#if you killed my whole family and i was the soul survivor i would become worse than hamas

[nothingleftforme]

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HAMAS. YOURE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING MIND IF YOU THINK ANYTHING HAMAS HAS EVER DONE EVEN COMES CLOSE TO THE ATROCITIES THE STATE OF ISRAEL HAS COMMITTED AGAINST PALESTINIANS AND THE REST OF THE MIDDLE EAST FOR 75 YEARS. FUCK YOU.

[herelieskrisy]

We need more tlou3 ellie x reader

There are two tropes I’m an absolute bitch, whore, and slut for. Ellie x reader as mothers and ellie x reader after the events of the last of us part two!

My bored and lonely brain was thinking as usual and I realized we don’t have enough ellie x reader post-epilogue. Which is like… why? The amount of angst and eventual fluff that could be added is insane. Watching Ellie grapple with the gut-wrenching aftermath of grief and slowly finding her new purpose. Becoming her old self again and healing with a new lover along the way.

I started thinking of story ideas and settled on this one being my favorite. It might be crap or it might be genius, I dunno.

(just imagine how desperate and passionate the smut would be)

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!!!THIS IS JUST A SUMMARY NOT AN ACTUAL FIC!!!

౨ৎ Ellie’s spent months in Jackson trying to make amends with Dina and JJ. There are hard consequences she has to face, being that betrayal isn’t easily forgotten, and every single street corner and creaky saloon reminds her of Joel Miller. This town used to be a safe haven, a sanctuary where she was met with warm people and even warmer memories. Memories turn to bittersweet shackles that tug her back from being full, leaving an empty shell of what once was. She thought her new purpose was getting her family back, but that wasn’t enough. There’s no fairness to her finding comfort in the arms of a former lover she hurt so bad, left to rot just like all the other lives sacrificed in the name of her living. Talks of fireflies banding together to build communities and restore humanity leave Ellie curious as she’s reminded of the cross-country journey that brought her to this position in the first place. Jerry Anderson is dead thanks to her, so there’s no hope for a vaccine, but there might be a sliver of light for a second chance. Ellie yearns to be apart of something greater. A journey that could once again fill the void that is her soul. She’s taken enough from this barren Earth already, why not give back? Setting off for the fireflies, she’s met with a familiar face from her past, the murderer of Joel Miller.

Abby Anderson and Ellie Williams share two things in common. They have the same goals of building a larger group of survivors, and they’ve taken a liking to you.

You who became close friends with Abby soon after she found the fireflies on Catalina Island with a scrawny scar-faced boy accompanying her. She might be the most genuine person you’ve ever met, which makes it shameful when you start giggling a little too hard at a certain auburn-haired girl’s jokes. The same auburn-haired girl who’s constantly mentioned in Abby’s tales of the crazy immune chic who used to be set on killing her.

Ellie wasn’t looking to make friends on this mission. She wanted to seek the fireflies and support them in whatever greater goal they had in store. However, she feels this sweet tangy guilt when she finds herself admiring the way you laugh at her jokes. The way your lips quirk up in a grin that’s all too amused to be friendly. With Dina and JJ still hot on her mind, she insists that you’re nothing but a friend crush. But it’s been months and Dina still hasn’t taken her back, understandably so… Maybe it wouldn’t hurt for Ellie to seek comfort in another’s touch. Maybe the fear of not being good enough for her former family can be set aside. Just for now, while she’s knuckles deep in your cunt. She swears to herself it’s a fling and you’re nothing more than a placeholder. A placeholder who Ellie happens to hold very, very dear to her heart. We change people like seasons change color, and as seasons pass the old is replaced with something new. A fresh start might be what this crazy immune chic needs.

Stolen campfire kisses, deep late night conversations, and talks of the stars reignite a spark in the pits of Ellie’s core. If you light a match in front of a moth, it’ll chase it. And baby you’re a whole wildfire.

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I wouldn’t plan on this being an ellie x reader x abby love triangle, but after writing that summary out I’m realizing it has potential to be one. Love triangles are just a bit cliche to my liking and I’d want this to be super Ellie focused. Like from her pov and everything. It’s about her emotional rollercoaster and learning to love/be loved again.

Exploring Ellie’s dynamics with different people is so yummy and I feel like this wouldn’t just be a romance for Ellie x reader, but also an enemies to friends for Ellie x Abby.

Once again, I’m not a writer so I’ll probably never turn this into a series. If there ARE any writers out there who are interested in this idea and would wanna work together I’d be so down.

[kitkatopinions]

I got into this argument recently over the whole “V9 is pro-suicide” thing (it is) and, despite the fact this other person agreed that Ascension is an allegory for suicide, they kept on saying that when I looked at the story through that lens I was “taking it too literally because it’s a fairy tale”

Like… what’s the point in even reading a story if you’re NOT supposed to buy into what they’re trying to say with said story? Am I supposed to ignore all of the characters and the literal world of the story saying that “Ascension is actually a good thing that people should go through” and how Ascension throughout the entire volume is framed as death?

Or how, before Ruby ascends in the first place, she literally says “I don’t want to be me anymore” after being brutalized and then drinks a substance she believes will actively kill herself?

I was told over and over again that “because Ruby chose herself it’s anti-suicide,” but the entire reason she gets to CHOOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE is because she killed herself? The entire thing is a glorified way of saying “if you like yourself, you’ll become a better person for it because you’ll magically realize that you’re perfect the way you are” when that’s literally not true and not how it works?

I’m sorry this is going on for so long. I just wanted to see a different perspective. V9 has consistently fucked me up as a survivor of suicide and I just don’t understand how people can vehemently say that there’s nothing equating to suicide or pro-suicide messaging in this story when they literally admit constantly that suicide is present in the narrative.

I am really upset about whoever this other person is admitting that Ascension is an allegory for suicide but taking the stance of 'but we're not supposed to think about it because this is like a fairy tale.' Does that person not understand fairy tales? Most of them have lessons baked into them. Does that person not understand how media works? Most media has something under the surface, some sort of meaning or intended takeaway or even accidental biases on the part of the writers baked into them. You can watch even the most stupid just there for pure entertainment piece of media - You can watch Alvin and the Chipmunks 2007 and still come out of it understanding that in-between the CGI Chipmunks singing songs and the bad charmless acting of the guy who played Dave (my sis and I believe that role should've instead been played by Brendan Fraser,) you're supposed to get the take-away that kids should be allowed to be treated like kids and not used just for money-making and that found family is valuable and should be embraced and not pushed away out of fear of commitment. RWBY should tell us something, it should have messages and takeaways, especially because the very start of rwby presents us with the conflicting beliefs of Salem and Ozpin - Salem insisting that mankind's passion and strength will always wane and darkness will take over, with Ozpin countering that mankind's victory will be found in 'the simpler things she's long forgotten, things that require a smaller, more honest soul' while we see Ruby. The entire thing is full of (admittedly contradictory) morals and take-aways and meanings. Some of them are bad, some of them reflect the biases of the writers, or the bigotry that Miles Luna and Kerry Shawcross never deconstructed. It's not just there to be pretty lights, and it's actually imo wildly irresponsible for people to not try to analyze rwby.

"Yeah, Ascension is like suicide, but we're not meant to think about it" that person can fuck off. The trend of 'media isn't meant to be critically consumed or analyzed, it's just there for us to like and have fun' is the worst and it's destroying thoughtful media. I swear to God if the Lord of the Rings movies came out today people would be like "yeah I guess it's probably informed by Tolkien's time in war or whatever, but we're not supposed to think about it or take it seriously, it's just a make-believe story."

(I will be talking about Ruby's attempted suicide down below, please be advised and don't read if that sort of thing might be triggering to you.)

Also, on the note of "because Ruby chose herself in the end, it's anti-suicide' that really is just... Wildly wrong. Ruby chose to commit suicide. She thought that drinking the tea was going to essentially remove her from existence, erase all her memories, transform her body into something else, that she would not be 'Ruby Rose' at all and would instead be replaced by someone better. That is her hating herself, that is her wanting to die. Just because she thought something else would take her place doesn't mean she herself wasn't trying to commit suicide. Basically what the rwby writers wrote was the equivalent of a story where a girl pops pills in an attempt to kill herself, but is clinging to life, and while she's lying on her deathbed, her consciousness meets God and they give her the choice to either die or wake up, and she decides to wake up. Although this in and of itself would be incredibly dicey (irl people don't get to decide POST-ATTEMPT whether they really want to go through with it while getting the option to see their long dead mom and get assurance of her affection before they choose, and acting like that's the case is damaging especially to teens and kids,) the rwby writers make it worse! They make it worse by showing Ruby's closest friends including her older sister essentially sit around her bedside having smiling happy chats with each other and assuring each other that they'll be happy for Ruby if she DOES choose to die and that it's her choice and that it could be a good thing.

This is so damaging. And it's so damaging to show Ruby just coming out of it unscathed, smiling, having her role as a leader back and accepting it with happiness, having her struggles just waved away as if they hadn't happened. It's an allegory for a suicide where Ruby gets an 'are you sure about this' menu screen that people irl don't ever get, gets to see her mom and hear her mom say she loves her which people irl don't get, gets to talk to God and be told 'encouraging things' which is something people irl don't get, and gets to come out of it seemingly better than ever with no consequences which is something people irl don't get, and her friends and family don't have to grapple with what happened because they can just dismiss it as 'Ruby choosing to go to therapy' essentially somehow, and then the whole thing is just left in the past - while NEO COMMITS SUICIDE TOO AND IT'S TREATED LIKE A GOOD THING DESPITE THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE SHE'LL 'CHOOSE HERSELF.' Which just makes the allegory three hundred times more damaging if you ask me.

On top of how bad that is, we have the Paper Pleasers, we have an example of people that didn't come back as themselves, but as entirely new people. They killed themselves, and didn't 'chose themselves,' instead destroying their bodies and their memories, essentially wiping themselves from existence, and it was framed as an exclusively good thing that Jaune needed to recognize was just a part of letting people make their own choices - framed alongside not only the fact that Ruby herself had yet to choose to come back as herself but also the fact that Penny just chose to die in the last season after begging for death over and over and getting Jaune himself to help her commit suicide... That lesson is so much worse. The paper pleasers killing themselves was presented in the narrative of RWBY as a positive, good thing despite the fact that they did not come back as themselves. If what happened to Ruby is the equivalent of someone popping pills and miraculously surviving by meeting God and getting the choice to return, the Paper Pleasers are the equivalent to an entire village of people willingly drinking poison in an attempt to meet God because they believe they'll ascend and shed their mortal forms so they can no longer be damaged and may carry on their assigned duty and reason for living as perfect creatures, and... Where have I heard that before? And the rwby writers present it as a good thing they were right about! The rwby writers present suicide as not only a sometimes good choice that helps you grow, but a needed choice that you're worse off for not taking - and coupled with Penny, it's horrible.

People have this idea that because Ruby, Neo, and the Paper Pleasers believed that something would continue on living from the remnants of who they once were, it's not suicide, but... That's very much so the way I thought about suicide growing up as an evangelical Christian. When I struggled with thoughts of suicide in my early teen years, that’s how I thought of it, and realizing that my friends and family WOULD care and WOULDN'T be able to accept it and WOULDN'T think of it as a good thing was one of the things that helped me start to get better. If I had seen RWBY in those days, seeing volume nine and seeing them praise the suicide of the people pleasers while smilingly deciding they'd be happy if Ruby destroyed herself would've fucked me up, and as it is right now, it was still triggering and upsetting to me.

I'm so sorry that this season was hard for you as a survivor of suicide, and that people are being so willfully stubborn in their refusal to see how damaging it was. What the rwby writers may have been intending to make - a story about a suicidal girl realizing she is enough - is not what they actually put into their show. Instead, accidentally or otherwise, they glorified suicide in incredibly damaging ways, and the fans need to recognize that. They need to stop with their 'tree therapy' jokes and their 'drink the tea' cracks, and just accept that the writers got it wrong. Saying 'it's just a fairy tale so why would I think about it' is a ridiculously stupid cop-out. Like, if people aren't even thinking through anything in RWBY, then why are they even watching it? If people aren't engaging with it, aren't getting anything out of it, won't even try to think about the themes and morals and what's being communicated, then why watch it in the first place?

[titlemewickedwonderland]

Darkling [Rain x Phantom x Darkling (Oc)]

Summary: She was a newly summoned ghoul and she was struggling. As someone who came from the very pits of hell, nightmares and self-doubt was nothing but expected but she wasn't sure how she was going to be able to cope; until two of her new ghoul pack mates remind her how special she is.

Prompt: Hurt/Comfort dedicated to one of my special followers! I hope this makes you feel a little better and something you can return to reading anytime you need some extra comfort! @darklylucid

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Contrary to belief, Hell wasn't the lake of fire, filled with flames and with the hot stench of death. It was cold, soul-chilling cold and it was terrifying. Terrifying because you could trust nobody, nothing in the pits of hell was your friend and you always had to watch your back. Another contradiction when it comes to hell is well...when you're in hell, you can't die. Condemned souls and demons alike were immortal because well, they were already dead. Condemned souls eventually become demons in a sense after being with the realm of Hell for such a long time. No one died there because they were already dead. But most wished they would die because demons and ferals were brutal creatures. They could tear you limb from limb and you would feel everything but you would not die; even when you feel as if you are and pass out. You'll wake up whole again with maybe a new scar or two. It was brutal.

And she hated it. She wasn't new to Hell, not old enough to progress into sanity where you lose all the memory and humanity you had left like most of the souls and demons of the Pit. So it was worse off for her, she was deemed weak because she still held onto the thread of her humanity unlike those who had theirs turned off after centuries of dealing with the brutality and horror of the Pit.

That is not to say that she remained with memories of her life while alive, time did pluck them away little by little, but she knew that she had been loved by many people. She imagined that she had friends and family that missed her dearly but besides that; who she was, what her name was, what she loved to do...all of that was just a blurry mess. Not that she had much time to wonder about those things when the screams of the damned and demons alike invaded her cranium with their ungodly screeches bringing with it the iron grip of fear and need to run; run and survive another godforsaken day in the pits that never ended.

There was no redemption in Hell, only pain and suffering. So as she took on another day running from the pack of ferals chasing her with insatiable hunger in their eyes while they tracked the scent of her blood from the open wounds they had inflicted on her; she realized she was running straight through a red haze; like that of a red sand storm and her world went white...and then black.

When she came to, her entire body was aflame and her head swam as it pounded so hard she swore her skull would crack open and spill her brains out on the ground. In the haze of her pain, she heard voices around her and her instincts came to life. She moved weakly trying to find the ground beneath her feet but her body was weak and she stumbled. A pair of arms wrapped around her and her body slumped against the body belonging to it as her vision spiraled with black dots in her visions.

No, not black dots...masks. Her vision cleared little by little and she found herself staring up into the gleaming goggles of some kind of black mask belonging to a man who held her up on jelly legs. Words were being said; she couldn't make it out but she saw the fabric covering the person's mouth move so they must be saying something to her right? Were they not going to kill her or tear her apart? Why were they speaking to her?

"Rain bring her back to the dorms." a man's voice with an accent spoke up from somewhere in the room. "Let's get her cleaned up and settled in!"

She wouldn't have been able to call herself a survivor if she didn't at least try to struggle a bit when she listened to the words registering but the arms around her were firm and yet gentle as they held onto her squirming body; keeping her from herself herself.

"Hey, shh. It's okay, you're alright. You're safe honey!" the masked man - Rain, hushed her gently as he bent slightly to pick her up bridal style.

A blanket was draped around her by another figure before Rain carried her from the cold dark room and the bright lights of the hallway assaulted her sensitive vision. She whimpered and ducked her head feeling the pain behind her eyes from the light.

"Oh, I know sweetheart. It's okay, we'll get you taken care of!" another voice spoke up from beside her as a hand came into view to pull the blanket over her head a bit so that the light wouldn't bother her.

The sound of murmurs behind her faded as she began to get sleepy and she rested her head down against Rain's shoulder from the exhaustion of her summoning and the confusion of her appearance. She was almost fully asleep when the softness of a bed she laid on registered in her foggy brain and as the figures began to move away from the bed she felt the sudden urge to reach out and grab at them.

"N-no!" her words came out scratchy and filled with panic. "I don't...I won't want to be alone."

Rain hesitated before turning to look at his fellow packmates and then he unbuckled his helmet and set it down on the floor before he was crawling into bed beside her. The warmth of another living creature was a comfort she wasn't aware she had been craving until the solid weight of him rested on the bed beside her.

"Oh love no no need for the tears!" the same voice from earlier rushed out to say as a second figure knelt on the floor beside her. "Trust me, I know how it felt when I was first summoned. It's tough, but your safe. You'll be alright." a hand smoothed over her messy hair and she latched onto their wrist like a lifeline allowing the hot tears to fall as the feeling of overwhelming emotions rocked her life like a boat in an ocean.

The figure gently stroked her dirty face and wiped her tears away as Rain rested on the bed beside her letting out chittering sounds in hopes to soothe her. It was working, because before long...she fell asleep in the warmth of other living creatures; creatures that didn't want to kill her, and that was enough to let her exhaustion take hold and allow her to let go of her consciousness in favor of some proper sleep.

~

Hands were gripping her and voices were murmured somewhere in the darkness but when she opened her eyes she was met with two worried faces peering down at her. Her heart pounded heavy and painfully in her chest; her face must have reflected the terror she was relived when the figures crowded her in their warm embraces.

Rain and Phantom. They were safe. They were not trying to hurt her. She was at the Abbey back home in her bed. She was okay. But the terrors of her life in the pits haunted her every night for the past month that she resided topside and she was so sick of it. So tired of all the horrors that just never wanted to let go of her. She'd cried so many tears of pain and fear that she was surprised she hadn't cried herself a river to carry her away; not that they'd let her go anyway.

Ever since the day Papa had summoned her a month ago Rain and Phantom had been her rock to reality; the strength she clung to whenever she felt overwhelmed and overstimulated by the schedule that was placed in her lap. Swiss, Mountain, and Sodo- the other three within the group she's met a few days after her summoning had been worried about her and shared their kindness with her as they too tried to help her acclimate to the surface; remembering how awful it was in Hell. But it was Phantom and Rain who had been the ones who were often at her side.

Her terrors had gotten so bad that it was not a surprise that she ended up crawling into bed with one or both of them on the regular. Just like tonight, despite the safety she knew she had her terrors would not let her go and she clung to the only line she had - them.

"Hey, honey. It's okay, your okay!" Rain soothed like he did every time when she's wail and struggle as if fighting off demons only her mind could conjure up from her experiences in hell.

"That's that. You're not there anymore... you're here with us, you're safe." Phantom echoed as he stroked her hair as she clung to Rain's arm as he cradled her to his chest.

The room was dark - probably still night or early morning and she hated the fact she'd woken them up yet again knowing how tired they'd been between practice and caring for her unstable self.

"I'm sorry." she cried "I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up! I'm sorry I cause you guys to lose sleep! I'm sorry I'm so weak, I'm sorry-"

"Hey, none of that cupcake!" Phantom chided firmly as he cupped her face and wiped her tears away. "Rain and I don't give a fuck if we lose sleep. We just want to make sure you're okay! We'd never sleep again if it meant we could help you through this. You hear me cupcake?" Phantom's dark eyes searched hers and after a moment she nodded with hesitation.

"Never apologize for needing someone, sweetheart. You're our packmate now, you're our family. We'd do anything for you. You know that." Rain kissed her hair a few times and rocked her until her shaking ceased and her cries turned into sniffles.

"But I am weak, Rain. I can't let it go...I just-" she shuddered closing her eyes

"You're not alone." Rain murmured giving her a gentle squeeze. "You'll never be alone again. We'll get through this like we did all the other times. Trust me, we went through similar experiences when each of the others got summoned too. You think Phantom wasn't a handful when he was summoned?" he tried to lighten the mood and he was rewarded by a wet laugh as she desperately tried to wipe at the tears that didn't want to stop.

"Hey," Phantom shifted closer and studied her face. "Look at me, eyes on me. Hey, it's okay. You're safe. You're here with me and Rain in this moment, your safe okay?" when she nodded she was rewarded with a smile.

"I know I just...remembering that time..." her breath hitched and she clutched onto Rain's arm tighter as flashes of her nightmares resurfaced with her doubt.

"I know, but let's try getting you calmer okay? Let's try to get your breathing right. Will you breath with us?" he coaxed trying to distract her.

She nodded hesitantly.

"We know you can." Rain smiled nuzzling her head. "Breath in....and breath out." the feeling of his chest expanding as he took a breath coaxed her to match it as she inhaled shakily; never once letting go of Rain or ever taking her eyes from Phantom.

"Good, one more time. Breathe in...breathe out." Phantom echoed as he followed Rain's lead and matched his breathing to his packmates..

He smiled when she began to slowly calm down. "Good job baby. I need you to repeat after me okay?" she nodded again.

"I am safe. I am loved."

Her brows scrunched up a bit but her voice - hesitant and a bit shy repeated them but without much conviction.

"I am safe, I am loved."

Rain smiled slightly and shook his head as he took her hands and gave them a squeeze. "Gotta say it with more meaning honey. Got to say it like you mean it."

Phantom nodded along and repeated himself but put more infliction on it. "I. Am. Safe." he waited until she echoed his words; feeling a sense of pride when her voice came out less meek. "I. Am. Loved."

"I am loved." a small smile tugged at her lips despite how silly she now began to feel.

"Good job baby. I am so proud of you." Phantom matched her smile as he leaned over and planted little kisses all over her face until she was actually giggling and squirming in Rain's hold.

"We are so proud of you," Rain chipped in as he dug his fingers lightly into her sides until she was laughing and they laughed along. "So proud."

"You feel better now?"

The woman nodded wiping at her face and taking a deep breath. "Yeah.

"Good." Phantom crawled into bed and pulled her against his chest. Cradling her against him as he stroked her hair while Rain got settled against her back and wrapped his arms around her waist to hold her close.

Legs entangled together and tails curled around each other as the three settled back into bed. It was a silly notion to think that Darkling should have anything to fear anymore. Despite what she had gone through in the Pits; she no longer lived there. Papa had summoned her and given her a new purpose. Better yet, the best gift of all was a pack she would lean on and call her family instead of being alone and scared like she was before. She had nothing to fear living topside anymore and she may not believe it all the time as she still got used to her new lif. She knew for certain that even if she lost faith in herself; her boys never would.

"Love you guys." she mumbled nuzzling against Phantom and giving Rain's hand a squeeze.

"We love you too honey."

"Always cupcake."

[cutiesaur]

This is something I had to take off my chest as a Palestinian descent and fellow human.

I'm at a loss of words. I want to say so much yet the rage that my whole body and soul feels can't be properly expressed in words.

100 days. We have witnessed a GENOCIDE that has been BROADCASTED INTERNATIONALLY for more than 100 DAYS and people refuse to see what's in front of their noses.

Yes, it's rage inducing.

Yes, it's sickening.

Yes, it's unconfortable.

We are the lucky ones. We have the privilege of having a roof over our heads, food in our tables, clothes to dress, running water, potable water, electricity, medicine, OUR LOVED ONES.

Many people don't want to see, they don't want to accept that there is this level of cruelty of evil in the world, especially from people that call themselves' "God's chosen".

Would their God approve the massacre that is being commited in their name? Torturing and killing innocent people for a piece of land that was "promised to them"? How is it morally correct to say that this is something good?

Zionists mocking the refugees, soldiers killing civilians, Govenrments with all the power to stop this not stepping in...it hurts deeply.

We are doing our best as fellow humans and as regular everyday people: boycotting, striking, donating, keeping the voices of the people that can't speak and the sad reality is that few people listen.

Holocaust survivors are saying this is a genociede, wouldn't you listen to them, to the people that have survived that hell and recognize this is another genocide?

Sometimes I feel like this rage that I feel, this sadness comes from my ancestors and sometimes I feel like I'm not the one that has to say these things since I was born outside of Palestine to a family that ran away from war for the safety of their descendants and they were able to do so.

I have been told all my life by many that I'm not Palestinian, and that's right I wasn't born there but why can't I, a Palestinian descendant speak up and communicate all the pain that the stories that my grandparents, granduncles and granaunts told me growing up?

The only times I saw my grandmother cry where her speaking up on how all of her brothers had to flee via boat to escape military service and not know if they made it alive to another country and then all of the sisters and their mother had to sell all of their stuff and leave their homeland for an opportunity of living in peace.

How can I not be simpathetic when my granduncles told me about how they had to become the "men of the house hold" before turning 14 because their father disappeared and they never knew if he even made it alive?

How can I not speak up when my last grandaunt told me before dying that life had been rough but that they made it together as siblings and that she is proud of building their lives from the ground up after they had to leave everything behind?

How can I not feel empathy and sadness towards my family and what they went through as a result of war?

How can I not speak up about all of the stories that other people of the Palestinian community have told me about their parents and grandparents having to flee their country because of war?

How can I not speak uo about all the racism that they had to go through?

How can I not speak up about the pain that I feel every time I remember my grandparents, granduncles and grandaunts and how the situation they fled from keeps happening and is worsening?

How can I keep quiet when this is like loop that keeps happening?

How can not speak up when, in the past when the conflict of the Middle East came out and we as Palestinian descents spoke about the history and the atrocities out ancestors in the hands of Israel we were told that we were antisemitic?

We all saw this coming, we have always been vocal about this, we have always known something like this was bount to happen .

Alas, our concerns were never taken seriously.

Whenever I see pictures of the carnage that its happening over there I cry from impotence, from rage and from sadness.

So many lives lost, families destroyed, people clinging to any pinch of hope and it being crushed by the evilness in the world and still keep pushing forward.

How can this be such a well documented massacre and the deseased are still piling up at such a fast rate?

How can this be happening?

How can people be capable of such evil?

Of such indiference?

Of such cruelty?

Every time I see the people suffering in Gaza, I can't help to think why? Why is this happening? Why are human lives been taken like this?

Why just why?

My mom used to tell me that war is worse than hell, because you know that evil people go to hell but war takes everyone and its a sentiment that I carry so present.

I know that this rant isn't going to help in the grand scheme of things, not in a way that could save lives but I believe the first step into change is realizing that this is a very fucked up situation and that we have to keep raising our voices for the people that can't do it and for the people that can't speak anymore.

We have to keep up the boycotts, the protests, donating. I believe that there is strength in numbers.

I have faith that this will stop and justice will be served.

From the river to the see, Palestine will be free.

[alexa-crowe]

i have to laugh bc i saw someone say mystra "was done so dirty in bg3" like LMFAO the last mystra literally had wizards duking it out with each other to become her chosen or whatever and then it got so bad that eventually one of the mystra's was like "alright this sucks ass now nevermind". and then there was the time mystra possessed a mortal woman and had seven daughters as her with the woman's husband and that fucking killed the woman and the husband abandoned them bc he'd had no idea and then mystra saddled elminster with the youngest three. the wizard fights was how azuth became mystra's chosen and then mystra's daughters (who aren't aasimar like aylin, just very powerful wizards/sorcerers) are also her chosen, though i think two of them are dead now. and she ALSO put elminster through a bunch of bullshit tests and started like right after his whole family was murdered or whatever so like that man can have his cheese from my camp, i'll chew him out later. and like yeah all that was from the first mystra but one of the first things this new mystra has done is wreck gale so i don't think that speaks highly to her character nor is out of line with previous incarnations. she may be "neutral good" but only as it pertains to her portfolio, in my view - she is "good" for protecting magic and the chaos of some actions cancel out with the lawfulness of her stringent rules for the use of magic. AND even if she was basically dead for most of gale's life and they only met "face to face" thirteen years before the events of the game and started dating then, when gale was already an adult, i would still consider it grooming. he was raised in a society - especially in waterdeep bc it's a center of magic - that venerates "good" aligned gods because they're literally irrefutably real. gale was obviously taught to value the weave and hold great respect for mystra, he attended one of the most prestigious academies of magic, and he was mentored by elminster himself. he was in a unique position to be used by mystra as wizards before him had been used - notably elminster himself, but also literally azuth, the patron lesser deity of wizards. (and the letters elminster sends to gale in his origin and if he becomes a god speak to the guy holding so much guilt for being party to the abuse gale faced - that he should have done more to prevent gale's downfall, especially bc he is one of mystra's survivors.) and then azuth's last line in the series of books in bg3 about the gods is literally about forever yearning for mystra. so then gale wasn't even pulling the idea of getting more power out of his ass or anything, someone else was given power/allowed to obtain it to the point of becoming a god in service to mystra. he disobeyed mystra's boundaries for using magic/gaining power, yes, but in his origin when you talk to mystra and say "i just wanted to be worthy of you" or w/e she says that gale was already worthy and just lacked patience. so again he wasn't even told a solid no it may have been more of a "no right now" no. (i say maybe bc atp mystra might just be gaslighting gale, trying to pretend that she hadn't been 100% forever and ever denying him, i wouldn't put it past her.) of course what's taken into account for deciding godly alignment is going to be a bit different than for beings without a godly portfolio. like!!!!! mystra can be dead in my eyes and still have neutral good alignment as a goddess bc for her most of all it's fucking complicated, seeing as she is like... the lifeblood of the realms or whatever. anyways. to end this... long-winded rant. part of what make's gale's story and romance so compelling is that he's completely correct when he says that the gods don't truly care about mortals, that they just cower behind ao. they can't really care bc they forget what it's like to be mortal, they depend on having mortal souls. they are just dressed up devils, dealing in souls. no good is wholly "good." they all have the power to save lives, to change lives for the better, yet squalor remains. it's an imperfect universe. compelling!

[chidoroki]

182 Days of TPN - Day 75

Chapter 75: “Unyielding Reed”

EVERYONE SHUT UP, the best Emma is here! AAHH, words can’t describe how much I love her in this outfit. Hell, I have a separate tag dedicated to it. And all the lovely artists who create such beautiful fanart of GP Emma have my enteral gratitude, especially since the second season denied us of ALL THIS.

I love how impressed Sandy & Zack are of her shooting skills. It’s honestly kinda scary how good she already is despite only becoming familiar with guns a few days prior when she first left the shelter. (I know the target only shows one hit, but since there’s three “bangs” in the previous panel, can I assume she fired three shots and just hit the bullseye on each one? because that would be amazing.)

I actually really like Sonya in that darker jacket she has in the flashback. And I’m only realizing now that it’s Paula & Pepe who are the ones dodging Nous & Nouma’s attacks.. aahh what brave souls, getting that close to the enemy just to gather information. Another reason to love them.

Mmmm okay okay, for the longest time I was kinda salty (like the tiniest bit you can imagine) that Yuugo ends up firing that final shot against Leuvis because I thought it would’ve been so badass if that was Emma’s kill instead, but I’m reminded now that it was solely Leuvis (and not any of the other poachers like I mistakenly thought of) who was responsible for killing off Yuugo’s entire family, so yeah.. perfect case of revenge for our bunker dad. I’m more okay with it now.

Pfftt, I’m glad everyone can agree this demon is insane.

Killing off a whole family just so he could feel that hatred of the lone survivor.. this psycho resembles Itachi. No wonder I like him so much. (see! having Crispin voicing him would’ve been PERFECT). But yes honey, Leuvis is definitely trying to pull the same trick on you. At least he’s nice enough to give Palvus head scratches.

Gillian with her many patches and Pepe being a proud chef!

Violet slapping other people with affection as usual.

The whole “staying strangers” bit of this reminds me very much of Isabella & Yuugo and how they handled dealing with the children. With death being a common occurrence in this world, it’s ideal to stay detached from everyone, saving yourself from becoming emotionally invested so if/when the time comes where someone does die, their death wouldn’t break you emotionally as well.

“Tomorrow” huh? That’s wishful thinking.

The poachers must’ve heard Emma being so ambitious about a possible hunt tomorrow and said nah, how about today! RIGHT NOW!

Favorite panel/moment:

OH INDEED!

Self-imposed rule aside about not rambling on about extra pages because I MUST chat about this one! It is just so damn PRECIOUS how the girls take care of her and set her up with THE OUTFIT. And OF COURSE we got Sandy being a total sweetheart and gifting her the hair clips to help hide her missing ear. I really wish they all had more scenes with Emma throughout the story.. they’re just so adorable and it gives me many warm and fuzzy feelings about how quick they accepted her into their little GP family.

[pearblossommina]

ToG Read-A-Long, Heir of Fire, Day 5

29

YEAH SORSCHA GET IT HONEY

Aedion to Chaol: “I didn’t think that kind of honor still existed in Adarlan.”

FR!!!! Why on EARTH is he going through with it, except for the vague sense of duty, of honor. Going to Anielle is… I guess good for his family? but who cares?! His family should be proud of him for being a member of the king’s guard…. Like, is that not important to them?

(I know he promised but the situation is still so stupid to me) (your dad is so stupid Chaol) (and boring) (stop letting him control you)

Aedion is so cool, though

He’s the only SJM man not to have daddy issues

(Cause he has no dad)

(Hey good for you Aedion) (you’re quickly becoming my favorite boy)

30

So, who are the guys

And

Why do they wanna kill Ren

They belong to the king? But not in the same legion as Chaol, somehow?

I wanna solve this mystery but I feel like I’ve got nothing to go on

31 manon please I love you so much

32

Manon and Abraxos taking flight feels like the music swelling in a moment of triumph in a 90’s movie, It’s like Free Willy it’s like the Neverending Story, it’s everything it’s EVERYTHING.

33 ok so hear me out

Rowan should open a tattoo shop for pansexual fae

Ugh, I actually thought her heart was HEALING. Guess not. She’s back on her anguish. (Poor Celaena.)

34 back on her anguish big time,

I am actually still torn up about Nehemia too, so, I get it. But girl. You can be sad without making it everyone else’s problem. Be nice to my boy Emrys. He’s literally so loveable, how dare you make him feel bad.

Idk what Rowan even did? Except not be a good friend, I guess, but like, she’s in such a tender place it’s really HARD to be friendly to her. I think he’s doing alright being the aloof handsome magic teacher…. And I think he’s a pretty good teacher. She needs space before she’ll welcome anything close to what she had with Nehemia.

Anyway that scene rescuing Luca was cute

Build back the ability to have friends and get close to people

You got this, girl

I believe in you

35

Idk what’s wrong with me lol

But I DID like seeing her beat him up and him just taking it

Somehow when he started talking about his dead mate all I could think was… wait they’re not mates? I know, I know, it’s a different book than ACOTAR, but I just expected them to be mated to each other.

And then I was like, wait….

Because, based from her other work - when you are a faerie, the most important thing, the highest calling in life and the truest happiness you will ever know, is finding your mate. And if your mate dies, that’s probably so devastating…

Anyway, WHAT IF, what if, Aelin lost her mate too? What if her mate was Nehemia???

(Remember when she said it was like a piece of her soul was gone)

(like she had lost a “soul friend”)

What if, because she was mortal the whole time, she just never noticed that Nehemia was her mate. And now she’s coming into her abilities and at the same time experiencing the real anguish of knowing that Nehemia is dead.

I think it could be real interesting to watch them come together as survivors, who have gone through the loss of a mate, and they could like, grow closer and trauma bond over that. Not many people know how it feels. I feel like it would be kind of an interesting spin on the “fated mates” trope. Idk.

Wrapping up the first part of the book. I’m invested. Also, I’m gonna be on vacation for the next week, and I’ll take this book with me, but idk if I’ll be on here posting my daily reactions!

I will if I can make time for it, but no promises. My flight returns may 1st, when we will be reading the Assassin’s Blade!

[not-rude-ginger]

I love your work and I have so many questions, but I don't want to bother you. So-- I forget where precisely, but I saw you mention The Green War. What happened with The Green War? Was that something with the Orions? - A Curious Fan

I'm assuming you're the anon asking about the Andorian blog of mine a couple of days ago!

Putting the answer behind a read more for trigger reasons!

So the Green War was indeed about the Orions. My hc is that when the Andorians weren't quite at space travel levels but getting there (basically us right now) the Orions invaded Andoria and tried to enslave the whole planet.

Part of this is that Orions are particularly affected by Andorian telepathy, and when an Andorian is particularly afraid or distressed, they reach out for their clan for protection. However Orion brains are able to pick up on this in a way that triggers the pleasure sensors and they experience a high that is very addictive.

So even by Orion standards of war crimes they were especially violent to the Andorians because they were not prepared to resist the effects of Andorian telepathy. Protracted torture became a normal, every day occurrence

They slaughtered nearly a whole generation of Primaries (Andorians between 1st and 2nd puberty) and enslaved many Secondaries and children.

The Andorians were hopelessly outgunned by the Orion tech, but they were eventually able to get access to enough of the Orions own tech that they were able to fight back and drive them off the planet - though with huge losses. Then they cannibalised all the remaining tech to advance into space much faster and almost instantly met the Vulcans. Due to their recent experiences they were wary, made worse when they realised Vulcan blood is green like Orion blood, and the Vulcans were very dismissive of Andorian culture and practises, so it was almost inevitable that they would also end up in a war.

The Andorians are a paranoid and xenophobic people when we meet them in Enterprise, but in my hc they have a very good reason to be so. However, to avoid seeming weak or vulnerable, they don't broadcast their history with the Orions and it even becomes illegal to tell aliens about it. So the Andorians use very vague phrases when talking about the Orions and how they 'Do What They Do'. It's only when Shran is working on the Enterprise that humans and Vulcans start to grasp the truth.

Also, by the time of Enterprise, the Orion Government and Orion Syndicate are autonomous entities, and while the Government is really trying to keep away from Andorians because they find the effect Andorians have on their people abhorrent, the Syndicate is a much more violent and sadistic bunch and they have developed ritualised performances of Andorian torture. Anyone who survives the very particular torture is usually a battered soul who cannot communicate with the world or do anything but suffer, so if they are unbonded they are given a mercy death. But if they are bonded, they cannot be killed, otherwise their three mates will also die. So those survivors are kept as a kind of shameful secret in the Clan houses, tended to by the family but essentially waiting to die. Some bonded mates choose death over watching and feeling their mate's suffering so the effects of the Syndicate's actions are still deeply affecting to Andorians, which can leave countless orphans in their wake.

The Imperial Guard has explicit orders that if any ship encounters an Orion ship, they must destroy it, even if the Orions do nothing to provoke them. Just being Orion warrants a death sentence to the Andorians.

And ... yeah, that's all I got.

[jeysecretive]

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Russian versuon

SURVIVOR

(Part 2)

ONE DAY TO LATE

Short of breath.... My lungs are squeezing with unbearable pain... Why am I falling..? I have to grab on... My body feels like it's in a vise... There's something hot running down my face... I have to get out now... I don't want to die... I have to save myself... Stop it! Why is there nothing around?! It's empty. I need a way out, or it's all over.

Something grabbed my arm. Black eyes with yellow flashes, without pupils, stared at me. They burned into my soul, penetrating deeper and deeper. A wave of pain swept through my body, twisting my organs, tearing from the inside and destroying my mind. I wanted to scream, but it was as if I'd been rendered speechless.

"...-You won't save them, you're too weak.... Why do you need this...? Give yourself to us... We can do a better job than you.

All we need is your body Only together will we win! We must hurry, soon we will lose our ability to contact you... Make up your mind. To be a weakling who has fallen to the bottom, or a deity whose power can't be matched by anyone! Come on, think what it would be like to save everyone. And even raise the dead!

"No. No... NO!

"...Even if you refuse... We have a way that will make you change your mind. You want to protect your remaining friends, right? It would be a shame if they get hurt. But that's too cruel. To begin with. We need to take away your will~"

My body pierces by sharp, jagged spikes. Blackness oozed from them. Anger, pure, fierce, merciless and ready to destroy everything, poured through my veins. I couldn't stop it. Mute screams echoed through space. But there was no one to help...

"Give it back! Now!!!!"

"No way! You're tearing my connection to life! You-"

Everything around me blurred, covered in big red spots. I heard the sound of THAT explosion...

***

Waking up, clutching my head, barely breathing. It's become a habit. Every time I fall asleep, I have this nightmare... It feels like someone is trying to kill me by making me live the same dreams.... Every night. nonstop.

Shadow sat on the bed, his whole body shaking. He was really scared. Since she'd died, there had been no one to question him about what was tormenting him, no one to hand him a glass of water, no one to look him in the eye with care and concern. No one to comfort him or help him deal with his nightmares. No one could quell his anxiety.

She was gone... Bringing pain, bringing despair with her death... Causing those horrible dreams...

Rouge was the closest thing he had to a family member. Shadow hid it, but he was still very attached to his crew.

When Rouge was away on her adventures, he would sometimes lie awake at night, sitting at her side and looking up at the night sky. She became almost like a mother to Shadow. Taking care of him, watching his back when he was in danger, patiently listening to his nagging lectures, and protecting him.

Yes, guarded. In her presence, Shadow felt... Calmer? He remembered sitting near the porthole on the Ark station, with Maria breathing quietly, falling into a pleasant sleep.

***

"-There's something wrong with you."

"-Don't mind me."

"- Are you sick...?"

"- I want to leave. Now. For a long time.

"-I'll be waiting for you.

"-You won't try to talk me out of it?"

"-No. You need to rest. To be alone with yourself. I can see that. When this mission is over, I'll get you a vacation. Be sure to recuperate from time to time, it'll help you, I know it will. But now... We need to save them."

"-We will, we always do."

***

This happened two months ago.

The city was under attack. "The Steel Men (as the soldiers called them among themselves) promised to blow up the schools and universities, where thousands of children and teenagers, along with their teachers, were being held.

The head of the Steel Gang contacted GAN through an anonymous line, telling him to provide him with a ransom of seven Chaos Emeralds, and threatened to destroy all the educational institutions in the city to the ground.

While he set conditions and threatened to kill the children, the secret rescue team was ready to go.

Omega, Rouge, fourteen elite A* fighters, and Sonic's team consisting of Tales, Amy, Whisper, and the blue hero himself.

The rest of them were in the mass sweep and evacuation squad. It was necessary to defuse all the bombs in a few minutes, or the case promised to take a sad outcome.

Shadow was brought in to quickly accomplish this task.

Using Chaos Control, he moved the defusing teams from building to building. Sure, it pissed him off that he was working like a pizza deliveryman without the ability to kill all those subhumans on the spot, but he was doing his job for the lives of those trapped in the gray walls that seemed hopelessly mournful.

***

...There were six bombs to disarm in the basement of a small, half-destroyed school.

All the time the whole team was listening to the creaking, nasty vibrating voice of the "chief" of the "steel" soldiers who had taken over the buildings.

{I repeat for the last time, Colonel, I'm not going to take five stones, I demand all of them! Either they are sent to the Ambrenson Twelfth School, or I destroy all the scools this very second! I don't care about these people's lives. I expect you to do exactly as I say.}

The black ear free of the earpiece twitched. Shadow heard angry cries and cry in the distance, more like a pitiful, barely audible squeak.

- Rouge, I'll be right there.

- Wait, what's the matter?

- I think there's someone crying nearby.

Amy intervened.

- I'm going with Shadow!

Sonic and Rouge nodded silently, taking care of the bomb.

Cautiously creeping toward the office where the sounds were coming from, the black hedgehog peered inside.

In the corner, shivering and sobbing, sat about twelve children of about ten years old. Three soldiers towered over them, waving some kind of black sticks with bent ends.

One of them screamed exhaustedly, grabbing his arm.

In front of him sat, shaking with fear and choking on tears, a blonde-haired girl in a blue dress.

"-Ah, you little infestation! You mean you just bite me and all of it?! I'll kill you with one finger, you-"

He drew his gun.

Shadow's eyes went dark for a moment. There was a loud shot in his ears. No... It's happening again. Again!

Again he is locked in the capsule, again she looks at him with eyes in which you can see the pain...

Again he can't protect a small, fragile girl from a soldier with a heart of stone. The memory burned him as if it had just happened.

MARIA!!!

There was the sound of a gunshot.

But... Fortunately, it sounded only in his head.

Finger slowly, as if in slowmotion, began to pull the trigger.

"..."

A black whirlwind flashed. The soldiers didn't have time to notice anything.

A blow. A soldier's body thrown against the wall with incredible force. Another blow. And again. Crushing and furious, they rained down until all three soldiers fell to the floor, twitching in death spasms.

A bloody black hedgehog stood in the middle of the room, choking back tears and gulping for air. He rushed to the little girl.

"-You're okay?! Did he hurt you?"

Shadow frantically tried to hug her, but remembered in time and pulled back slightly.

She wasn't his Maria. She only resembled her in appearance. You can't let your emotions overwhelm you.

Suddenly his body was clutched tightly by pale, scratched hands.

"-T-th-thank you so much, Mr. Hedgehog..."

She cried with relief. Shadow was a little confused. But then he clung to the skinny, trembling body and hugged it tightly. He had been able to save her. He had made it in time.

"María..."

Amy run up to them. There was simply nothing she could do. Shadow, in a fit of rage and desperation, had disposed of the soldiers in a matter of minutes, and she had no choice but to stand in the doorway and watch her partner's actions.

"-Oh God... Poor..." -Amy whispered, gently stroking the girl's head. - "We have to get the bomb out soon, or else-"

The two remembered the mission only seconds later, when a harsh, cold voice came through the headphones. Listening to it, Shadow froze.

{That was the last straw, Colonel. I'm not going to listen to any more of this nonsense. Your half-hour is up, hand over the stones.

'-B-but I-'

You didn't fulfill your terms, sir. You will be blamed for what happened now. Say goodbye to those you promised to protect the most...}

Shadow's eyes went black again. As if in a blur, the hedgehog rose from his knees. The girl looked up at him with light blue, crying and fear-filled eyes. Shadow looked at Amy. There was horror in her gaze. The children couldn't be here anymore. But there was no way everyone would make it out of here in time.

"S-shadow, they're..."

Swiftly turning around, both of them ran to the basement. The place where the bombs were about to explode....

But they were too late.

***

There was a deafening explosion that shook the walls. Plaster and splinters fell from them. Small cracks ran across the floor. Despite that, the building held. It looked like Rouge had managed to defuse all the bombs.

Except or one.

Grabbing Amy's hand, black hedgehog teleported to the basement.

The hedgehog flew over to Sonic. He lay unmoving, covered in blood. Amy cried out hoarsely, tears streaming uncontrollably down her face. The one who had ignited the flame of love in her chest, the one who had united so many different but similar people, the one who had always saved the world from evil, was now lying in front of her.

The azure needles had faded, grayed and lost their unique colorfulness.

With a trembling hand she touched the bloody chest.

Her heart pushed weakly into her fingers.

"- He's breathing, he's alive!"

***

But Shadow didn't hear her. He was staring straight ahead of him. The only thought pounding in his head was, "It can't be, it can't be!"

Beneath the huge, gray clump lay her. There was no face to be seen. A burgundy stream slowly flowed down her arm.

Amy turned around sharply. Her eyes widened with horror. Just now she had almost lost her best friend. There was no way they were going to lose anyone else today...

***

Several cars with the GUN emblem on the side were parked outside dilapidated school. The soldiers were escorting the steel terrorists on their way to the most secure prison. The frightened but unharmed children were handed over to their parents.

"- Stop just standing there, help me free her! She's going to die!"

Summoning a pico-hammer, Amy stood beside the collapsed wall. Rouge's mangled body lay nearby, covered in rubble. Pulling her out from under the stone blocks was not easy. After the body was freed, about five doctors rushed to her. Amy sat next to her.

"- Rouge, please listen to me... You have fought enemies that many have never dreamed of. You've gone out on missions that were far more difficult and dangerous than this one. Are you really going to let yourself die like this? Please, hold on just a little longer..."

''- She's already dead... It's useless, Miss Amy...'' I'm sorry, but her heart can't be restarted. She died almost immediately after the explosion..."

The black hedgehog stood nearby, and stared icyly in front of him. Grief was building up in his chest in a cold, prickly lump, blood-gray spots floating in his eyes. After all, he hadn't made it...

Saving one life, he let another one die. The hedgehog had only himself to blame for everything that had happened.

The highest form of life. Ha! He's not worthy of that title. His partner, his best friend and the only one to whom he had opened his heart, was now lying there, covered in blood, mutilated and staring into the void with cold, half-closed eyes.

She would never come back. Because of him.

GUN soldiers lifted and carried the stretcher away, covering it with a black cloth.

Medics try to began Sonic to recover with triple the vigor. The doctors had great fears that he would not live to get to the base. But after a few quick surgeries, the danger receded a bit.

The military medic said he was not sure of the condition of the casualty, but there was little danger of death. It was feared that the blue hero had fallen into a deep coma.

Sonic's team, arriving half an hour later, followed the medical bus to the GUN base. Inside it, Shadow and Amy sat on the hard seats. The hedgehog was silently dropping tears as she clutched her fingers together, while Shadow stared at the floor in the seat next to her. She's dead... Hedgehog didn't want to believe it...

He couldn't!

[sgt-mark-smith]

Second fic for this fandom (I think). Manaaki’s spiritual journey, from the start of the series to the end, as through a prayer journal. Full spoilers; I’m gonna say this is an M fic.

Religious guilt, religious pearl-clutching, PTSD, survivor’s guilt, war is hell.

Tomorrow, I will have my very first sight of the city. My hands are trembling so that I can barely grip this pen. Am I afraid?

Set your angels about me, Lord God, and let me speedily finish my task. I miss my home and my father Prophet already.

//

A sign, like Gideon’s! I have found the place from which the scarf came. Grant me success.

//

Thank you, Lord, for the miracle of your kindly Samaritan! I have for a moment a place to lay my head while I continue my search.

From the shadow of death you have delivered me, by the hand of the kindly pākehā woman whom you set to nurse me. Thank you for protecting me; I go forward with renewed purpose.

//

O Lord, console me! Awa will not come home, for she is lost to wickedness. O my sister!

O my dear father Prophet, forgive me, if you can! I have not the strength to face you in my failure.

I have been much tried by pākehā today, but it will all be worth it. Even now you send your servant Beatrice to rescue my sister! Grant her the strength to overcome even dear Awa’s stubbornness.

//

How wonderful are your workings, Lord! Even as Awa turned Beatrice against me, it is yet through her that Awa sought me out.

But o my poor sister, to be so abused by the wicked men of this city! I am glad beyond measure that she wants to come home, but at what price, Lord?

I must hurry, for soon we shall finally be on our way home together. After she has collected her harlot’s wages, of course.

//

I am lost, unmoored, set adrift.

Would it not have been kinder to let me die of the sickness than to let me become a hunted hound?

Tomorrow, I go with Harry Smith to the darkest of earth’s hells, unless you wish to make plain some other path for me.

Speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth.

//

How long must I wait to hear your voice, o my God? Speak to me!

//

I have killed men today.

I who thought myself a man of peace, like my Prophet, have taken men’s lives so easily that I might have been made for it.

Lord, have mercy.

//

The army is sending me back to Auckland, with honors. For spilling men’s blood. I have distinguished myself as a destroyer, and for that I am rewarded?

Perhaps it is just as well that you are yet silent.

//

I am all wrong here; I hear myself speaking softly, catch myself walking on tiptoe, lest I accidentally shatter the peace of this house. My ears ring and my head aches even now.

I am staying in Harry’s room. How much more shall I steal from him, is it not enough that I am his murderer?

And yet I have nothing of my own. My home is lost to me forever.

And still you do not speak.

//

Did you send me Cissy Smith to cheer my heart? My whole soul grows lighter when she smiles.

//

Lord, I am afraid. Does the blood of the guilty man also cry out when he is slain? That man abused my sister.

O God! Am I not guilty of so much worse? Am I not a killer ten thousand times over?

Awa plays the harlot still, Heaven help her. She will be the ruin of us both.

No, that is not true. I will be my own ruin, for my sins arise to haunt me again. Murder, theft, deceit.

I do not deserve to hear you speak, and yet I need your answer. Look not upon my sins, Lord, but help me, for I am in trouble.

//

I do not deserve the endless kindness of this pākehā family. I want to run from it, and yet I need it so desperately.

Is this what your grace is to the wretched?

//

I have never spoken to any man of what I have done as a man of war, not before today. My mouth tastes like blood and ashes, and my head is like to split.

I know that you are mighty, but the weight of my sins is heavy. Can you purge me of them?

Will you remain silent?

//

O Lord forgive me! Of my many sins, I had at least kept myself from fornication before today.

//

I return to the field of blood tomorrow morning.

I know the Smiths are saddened that I am going, especially poor sweet Cissy, but I cannot stay. I am a man of blood, fit only for the company of other men of blood.

I have but one prayer: if you take away my life, grant me the final mercy of receiving me into your presence.

//

My hypocrisy knows no bounds, it seems.

One of our men killed a man of the other side, a man who was doing us no harm. Even now my anger at the senseless murder burns hot within me, yet have I not done exactly the same countless times?

Do I already forget my own evils? Do I pluck the mote from the eyes of my fellows while setting at naught the beam in my own?

//

We are in retreat from our long stalemate in Turkey. After so much time, so much death, so much suffering … and all for naught.

Receive our dead with mercy, Lord.

And yet … I did not know how much of my burden was bound up with that place. My first kill, the loss of my friend. Something in my soul is lighter now that we have left it behind.

It is not that the darkness of my many sins is lifted from my heart, for I still feel it. Rather, I own that the darkness is part of me, and must be, as long as I live upon the earth.

Reconcile the darkness in me, Lord, and make me, not innocent again, but whole. Amen.

//

I am unmoored again. Cissy tells me there is a child, that he is mine! I cannot quite believe it. Even in writing it makes no sense — I, Manaaki, got a woman with child.

She does not speak of it, but I know she must be cast out, made to bear the shame of my sin.

O Cissy, dear Cissy, forgive me! I knew that you loved me, and I was afraid, and fled from you rather than give you an answer.

The child even bears the name of his mother, as I and Awa do.

This, then, is my sign. You have commanded me, and I must obey. The sins of my father will not be mine too, if I have anything to say about it! Keep me, I pray, that I may return to my son and to the woman I have so wronged.

I will return to my prayers later, if I can, but for now I must stop and write to Cissy.

[wayward-pendragon]

Anime Recommendations!

Hi everyone, I hope y’all are safe and happy! With quarantine still in place (at least in my country), I’m gonna keep the random rec lists coming! I’ve been watching a lotttt of animes and rewatching favourites, so I thought I’d share some of my favourites of all time! A lot of them are pretty mainstream, but for my friends who aren’t really into anime, these will get you hooked! In no particular order, let’s get started!

1. Snow White with the Red Hair, 24 episodes 

This is hands down my favourite anime of all time. This shoujo anime make me feel so happy and it’s so wholesome, honestly such a feel good anime. Without spoiling too much, it’s about a herbalist named Shirayuki who ends up having to flee her home country and ends up meeting Prince Zen and goes to live in his country. The cast of characters in the anime is so good, there’s not a character to dislike. The genuine build up of friendship and eventual romance is just so sweet please watch. 

2. Demon slayer (26 episodes) 

One of the best anime I’ve watched this past year. This anime has amazing plot, awesome animation and a great cast of characters. This anime follows Tanjiro as he becomes a demon slayer after a demon killed his family. Tanjiro and his sister, Nezuko were the only survivors but Nezuko was turned in a demon and now Tanjiro is on a journey to change he back into a human. If you are into anime with amazing fight scenes, I highly recommend. 

3. Hunter x Hunter (148 episodes) 

I am currently watching this anime and it honestly made it onto my lists of favourite anime super quickly. The series starts with Gon and his quest to become a pro hunter and find his dad and goes on from there. With so many episodes and arcs, you can’t stop watching. The characters immediately hooked me on this show, Killua and Gon’s friendship is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen in anime, I literally want to adopt both of them. This anime is so heartwarming but also kinda dark and action packed. 

4. Haikyuu!! (73 episodes, on-going)

My favourite sports anime my god. Haikyuu follows a high school volleyball team as they try to make it to nationals. This series made me so much more emotional than I thought it would, but you get so involved with the team and characters and want them to succeed. All of the characters from all of the teams are also fantastic and hilarious. If you need a fun but exciting anime, please please please watch Haikyuu!!

5. Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (64 episodes)

Where to even begin. I would say this is one of the most popular anime and for good freaking reason. Without giving too much away, this anime follows brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric as they go on a quest to get their bodies back. Honestly this is one of my fav animes, if you like awesome fight scenes and really intriguing plot, you will love this anime. 

6. Yona of the Dawn (24 episodes) 

Another amazing anime but sadly, unfinished. I think this anime is best to watch w/o knowing very much. Just know that there is really good characters and character development and a very attractive love interest :))))

7. Soul eater (51 episodes) 

One of the first animes I ever watched and as I remember it’s hella awesome, if you like halloween then the whole atmosphere of this anime will intrigue you. The fight scenes in this are really fun and so are the characters. If you need a fun medium length anime, I would recommend this one!

8. Inuyasha (193 episodes)

This anime is worth all the hype in my opinion. The plot was great, the characters are fantastic and romance is so freaking cute I can’t. I’m also a sucker for asshole characters who are secretly really sweet. 

9. Fruits Basket (2019) (25 episodes (S1), S2 on-going)

This is the cutest anime. The whole cast characters is amazing and you get so attached so fast. The protagonist is so sweet and optimistic and I really just wanna protect her. I went into this knowing next nothing and I think that’s the best way to do it. The 2001 version is good too but 2019 has better animation and is closer to managa (and has more episodes!). 

10. My Hero Academia (88 episodes, on-going)

I love this anime with my whole heart. There is an adorable cast of characters and amazing fight scenes, I love this sm. It’s set in a world where like 95% of the population has ‘quirks’ which are basically super powers but not all of them are super powerful. Super heroes protect cities and the anime follows a high school where the students are training to become heroes. The main character is born without a quirk but through some crazy circumstances he ends up acquiring one. In my opinion this anime is worth the hype. 

11. Ouran Highschool Host Club (26 episodes)

This one is wild. Ouran Highschool Host club is so iconic and it’s hilarious, I laughed out loud watching this one so much. Honestly I went into this knowing nothing and I think its funnier that way. 

12. Yuri!!! On Ice (13 episodes)

THIS ANIME. The first sports anime w/ canon LGBTQ+ romance and its beautiful. I love the style, the skating, the music, the characters, just everything about it. This follows Yuri Katsuki, a professional figure skater from Japan and his skating career. After messing up a major championship, Yuri is lost and doesn’t know what to do w/ his career. After seeing a video of Yuri skate, his idol Victor, a skating legend, shows up to be his coach. Please watch this anime. 

13. Attack on Titan (62 episodes, on-going)

If you are looking for a badass action anime this is the one for you. Humanity has fallen to the mercy of giant man-eating titans, and the people that survived live within a walled city to keep the titans out. This anime is a little disturbing and violent but it is so badass. Also Levi, the most badass character ever, makes this entire anime worth watching. 

14. Ao Haru Ride (12 episodes)

Hands down my favourite romance anime. This anime is so freaking cute and it gave me so many fuzzy feelings. The animation is also super nice so that is always a plus. It follows Futaba and Kou who liked each other in middle school but were separated. They meet again in high school but they have both changed so much. If you want a romance anime I really recommend this one. 

15. Naruto (720 episodes)

This is a freaking classic and really long. Almost everyone and their mother has heard of this anime or watched some of it before. Basically it’s about ninjas and follows mainly Naruto Uzumaki who want to eventually be the leader of his village but his ninja skills need a lot of work. I honestly didn’t think I would love this anime as much as I did but its just so good. It is a very big commitment to finish though so be prepared. 

16. Your Lie in April (22 episodes)

Well this anime is literally beautiful. It is centered around 2 teens w/ major musical talent. It gets deep very fast but its also light hearted and wholesome. This anime made me cry like a baby so get your tissues ready. 

[edenmemes]

ghost of tsushima starters

❝ promise you’ll remain the good man i know. ❞   ❝ only fools have no fear of death. ❞   ❝ i am very much alive. but my patience is dying. ❞   ❝ i’ll make sure you are remembered. as a great warrior...a wise leader. ❞   ❝ the strength we need is all around us. ❞   ❝ the past cannot hurt you. ❞   ❝ this whole journey, and i never asked your name. ❞   ❝ fear drives you to be stronger. fight harder. ❞ ❝ sometimes...our only choice is to walk away from everything we know ❞ ❝ we do what we must. that is why you and i are both survivors. ❞ ❝ i can do good! i just...need practice. ❞ ❝ may your next life be more peaceful than this one. ❞ ❝ i knew it was too good to be true. ❞ ❝ i'll see what i can do. but if you’re lying to me... ❞ ❝ you’re too comfortable with that power. ❞ ❝ don’t ever try to kill me again. ❞ ❝ turn your back on a foe...and you will die with a sword stuck in it. ❞ ❝ youre not slipping away that easily. ❞ ❝ just stay closed. keep your sword sheathed. and let me do the talking. ❞ ❝ the things i saw still haunt my nightmares. ❞ ❝ i dont even know if you're real. ❞ ❝ victories don’t have to feel good. ❞   ❝ killing your own family...it’s harder than you could ever imagine. ❞   ❝ it’s safer for everyone if i just disappear. ❞   ❝ next time, leave some glory for the rest of us. ❞   ❝ peace doesn’t always come quietly. ❞   ❝ some people respond to kindness. others require a glimpse of steel. ❞ ❝ i am nothing if not honest. ❞ ❝ stop using people, and start thinking about how you can help them. ❞ ❝ you’ve had your vengeance. don’t stand in the way of mine. ❞ ❝ you don’t have to do it alone. ❞ ❝ not all words need to be spoken. ❞   ❝ there is time yet for revenge. i will savour their cries of pain when that time comes. ❞ ❝ i have learned to love the cool, damp dark. ❞ ❝ the last thing i saw was faces filled with hatred, rage... ❞ ❝ you didn’t think you'd get rid of me that easily, did you? ❞ ❝ we will celebrate when this is all over. ❞ ❝ what’s wrong with you? one moment we stand shoulder-to-shoulder, the next you’re ready to cross blades. ❞ ❝ a warrior learns from their mistakes, or they are buried by them. ❞ ❝ remember your training...and never leave my side. ❞ ❝ well...i guess this is goodbye. ❞ ❝ your visions will grow worse, driving you to madness and death. ❞ ❝ i can only pretend for so much longer. i’m not like these people and never will be. ❞ ❝ i loved you all my life, but i could never work up the courage to tell you. ❞ ❝ the proud do not last, and the mightiest of us perish like dust before the wind. ❞ ❝ you’re a vision of mercy. ❞ ❝ not bad, but only half-good. ❞ ❝ we make a good team, don’t we? ❞ ❝ an archer’s aim relies not on eyes...but on body, mind, and spirit. ❞ ❝ this is my fight. i don’t need your weapon. ❞ ❝ being right doesn’t always make things better. ❞ ❝ there is nothing easier than to prey upon the vanity of ambitious men. ❞ ❝ you weren’t looking so good. i let you rest. ❞ ❝ your intentions this time were...better than usual. ❞ ❝ what are you not telling me? ❞ ❝ trouble sticks to you like shit on rice. ❞ ❝ it’s strange being back after so many years...everywhere i look brings back memories. ❞ ❝ only a child expects perfection of their elders. ❞ ❝ when this is all over, what will you do? ❞ ❝ you are ruled by your emotion. ❞ ❝ is this how you want to be remembered? ❞ ❝ perhaps great men share all the aspects of their lessers, but more. great wisdom, but even greater cruelty. ❞ ❝ i cannot imagine the burden a leader like you must bear. ❞ ❝ our greatest enemies are the greatest teachers. ❞ ❝ death’s shadow embraces me. hand in hand we walk. ❞ ❝ breathe. you can’t fight if you hold your breath. ❞ ❝ i know you well enough by now, my friend. ❞ ❝ i can’t go back...to what i was. before this. ❞ ❝ i hope you one day forgive me for the choice i made. ❞ ❝ the wounds you dealt my spirit will never heal. ❞ ❝ why did you turn away from me? ❞ ❝ if you can keep moving forward, so can i. ❞ ❝ it’s a bad idea to sneak up on me. ❞ ❝ promise me something. don’t become like me. ❞ ❝ let me undo the damage i’ve done. ❞ ❝ ...and you want me to clean up your mess. ❞ ❝ the path ahead may take a lifetime, but i will walk it with you. always. ❞ ❝ whatever you believe i’ve become, i will always be your family. ❞ ❝ i wouldn’t be here without you. ❞ ❝ i’ll hunt you past the horizon if i must. ❞ ❝ can i count on you to do what needs to be done? ❞ ❝ that’s over now. you’re here. with me. ❞ ❝ i thought i’d lost you, i should’ve known you’d never give up. ❞ ❝ you can’t continue down this path. ❞ ❝ be careful. demons are everywhere and they fear nothing. ❞ ❝ corpses can’t answer questions. ❞ ❝ you deserve greater respect than this. ❞ ❝ it’s just like the stories my father told me. ❞ ❝ what you become tomorrow is your choice. ❞ ❝ just ask the last man who questioned my sincerity. you’ll find his head covered in flies out back. ❞ ❝ you shouldn’t have lied. i still would have helped you. ❞ ❝ we came this far. we’re not turning back now. ❞ ❝ how do we survive if we don’t trust each other? ❞ ❝ without my help, the fear and pain will overwhelm you. ❞ ❝ whatever happens, we don’t retreat. ❞ ❝ the stories are true. i’ve never seen anyone fight like you. ❞ ❝ see how the enemy fear you? you are a true warrior. ❞ ❝ you want to share a drink...with me? ❞ ❝ maybe you should’ve just ran away. like you always do. ❞ ❝ good people have nothing to fear from me. ❞ ❝ your promises are just like you. worthless. ❞ ❝ as you wish, since you asked so sweetly. ❞ ❝ i know better than to argue. ❞ ❝ i hope i can find quiet places like this one, untouched by war. ❞ ❝ we grew up together, but you threw it all away. ❞ ❝ it was so chaotic. i felt you grip my wrist and then nothing. ❞ ❝ desperation can bring out the demon in the best of men. ❞ ❝ i don’t want to leave without you, but...i can’t stay. i hope you understand. ❞ ❝ a grown man, and you still can barely sit still. ❞ ❝ and i heard you had no sense of humor! ❞ ❝ knowing and doing are different. ❞ ❝ trouble follows me everywhere. ❞ ❝ indulging violence weakens the warrior...like too much food or drink. ❞ ❝ i can always tell when you want to ask me something. out with it. ❞ ❝ i am proud to fight beside you. ❞ ❝ i didn’t nurse you back to health to watch you throw your life away. ❞ ❝ all i want...all i need is to start a new life. ❞ ❝ look twice and shoot once. ❞ ❝ i think they’re afraid of you. you can be...intimidating.. ❞ ❝ you don’t even try to hear me. it’s like talking to a stone. ❞ ❝ so you try to kill me? have you lost your mind? ❞ ❝ you’ve sacrificed everything. for revenge. ❞ ❝ we can’t let anger consume us. or blind us to our friends. ❞ ❝ there is only one way this ends. ❞ ❝ i gave you everything. and you threw it away. ❞ ❝ do not question my integrity again. ❞ ❝ your father would be proud. ❞ ❝ the worst one can do is take advantage of their own people. ❞ ❝ you follow trouble. you should ask yourself why.  ❞ ❝ some of my favourite memories happened at this place. ❞ ❝ i told you this was a bad idea! ❞ ❝ keep fighting. we need people like you. ❞ ❝ are you the one who finally kills me? ❞ ❝ a warrior’s most important weapon is themself. lose control, and you risk defeat. ❞ ❝ first, get some rest. this is killing you. ❞ ❝ see that? i told you. there’s always hope. ❞ ❝ i hope the skills i gained through hardship can be of use to the people here. ❞ ❝ you have skill...but you nearly died rushing into battle. ❞ ❝ in the midst of battle, true leaders must stay rooted, stand firm. ❞ ❝ every time i get in a mess like this, i’m as scared as the time before. ❞ ❝ don’t be the next to disappoint me. ❞ ❝ save what we can, but know that everything passes away. ❞ ❝ i hope you understand, this is just a job. ❞ ❝ that’s a sad way to look at the world. ❞ ❝ seeing you like that...i’m still shaken up. ❞ ❝ sit with me a moment. ❞ ❝ doubt and indecision have destroyed armies. ❞ ❝ it’s so painful to...see you weighed down by sadness. ❞ ❝ on the slim chance some good comes of this...lead the way. ❞ ❝ you fought well, but we’re finished. ❞ ❝ the warrior’s mind is quiet but alive, like rustling bamboo. ❞ ❝ i’ve trained with a blade since i could walk. ❞ ❝ the visions...they’re still happening. ❞ ❝ in our world, being intimidating isn’t a bad thing. ❞ ❝ you have a talent. it’s time you use it, for the sake of our land. ❞ ❝ i've tried to teach you all i know...but you act more like a poet than a warrior. ❞ ❝ your path leads to madness and death. ❞ ❝ that’s twice you saved my life. ❞ ❝ these people stay because they believe in you. ❞ ❝ i didn’t choose this life. it was my only option. ❞ ❝ you came at me like i was your mortal enemy. almost broke my arm! ❞ ❝ i could use your help...in the fight ahead. ❞ ❝ you can be a little rough, but you have a good heart. ❞ ❝ i don’t want to kill you, stop! ❞ ❝ what’s wrong? afraid i’ll get more famous than you? ❞ ❝ war brings out who we truly are. ❞ ❝ take care where you place your faith. ❞ ❝ you seem lost in thought. ❞ ❝ i was getting tired of waiting for you. ❞ ❝ without my wisdom, you will lose your soul to madness. ❞ ❝ peace is an unattainable dream...but a dream worth fighting for. ❞ ❝ i’ve killed a thousand men. every death was sweet. ❞ ❝ what is the point of prayer when we are doomed? ❞ ❝ you’re like your father in more ways than you know. ❞ ❝ if you want my respect, earn it. ❞ ❝ and how many wars have you fought? ❞ ❝ you’re quite the butcher with that sword. ❞ ❝ people who sow chaos must be punished. ❞ ❝ i can’t help but wonder if you enjoy the violence. ❞ ❝ i kill only to protect our people. i think about that every time i reach for my sword. ❞ ❝ i'm sorry if my lack of skill offends. ❞ ❝ it’s the first time in days i haven’t felt like i was about to die. ❞ ❝ you fought like an animal...or a demon! ❞ ❝ there’s nothing more painful to me than a perfect bow...ineptly used. ❞ ❝ victory is won by warriors, not weapons. ❞ ❝ i couldn’t leave you to die. ❞ ❝ i made my choices. even knowing what they’ve cost me, i’d make them again. ❞ ❝ when’s the last time you slept or ate? ❞ ❝ you don’t get to give up. this land needs you. ❞ ❝ oh you pretend we are different, but we fight for the same thing. ❞ ❝ there are still places of beauty to remind us of what truly matters. ❞ ❝ true mastery begins where individual ego ends. ❞ ❝ a warrior faces danger with courage and resolve. this is how they endure. ❞ ❝ those stories...they're not entirely true. ❞ ❝ even the youngest warrior needs a full belly and a rested sword-arm. ❞ ❝ bad men are good at hiding their true natures. ❞ ❝ there is nothing left for me here. my hope is lost. ❞ ❝ i did what i had to. for you. ❞ ❝ forgive my manners. i spent all my time alone. ❞ ❝ is that any way to greet a visitor? ❞ ❝ if you continue down this path...you’ll be no better than the enemy. ❞ ❝ i am grateful for the times we share...but, i always want more. ❞ ❝ you lived your life in a castle. it made you soft. ❞ ❝ i used to know what i fought for... ❞ ❝ face them as a warrior with honour. not a monster. ❞ ❝ i don’t take lives, but i am not a coward. ❞ ❝ i wonder if i’ve crossed a line. ❞ ❝ you can’t expect everyone to understand what you’re doing, or why. ❞ ❝ your methods were brutal...impulsive...without honour. ❞ ❝ there’s plenty to fear without worrying about folktales. ❞ ❝ i hope you’ll find peace again soon. ❞ ❝ you do what you need to survive. and yet you despise others for doing the same. ❞ ❝ is that your excuse? your reason to kill? ❞ ❝ we have to keep pushing. even if it costs us our lives. ❞ ❝ cowards without honour deserve no mercy. ❞ ❝ i’ll fight beside you until the end. ❞ ❝ whatever happens, your forgiveness won’t change who i am. ❞ ❝ why should we settle for scraps when we deserve to be legends? ❞ ❝ only cowards strike from the shadows. ❞ ❝ the proud do not endure. the greatest of us fall in the end. ❞ ❝ perhaps some good will come of this. ❞   ❝ you will see nothing but death to the end of your days. ❞ ❝ legacy is more than a name. ❞ ❝ im sorry. i know what it means to lose family. ❞ ❝ one day we'll escape the endless wheel of suffering. ❞ ❝ is that a 'thank you'? ❞ ❝ i know what it means to be hunted. ❞ ❝ you personify fury and regret. ❞ ❝ that's all right. i want to hear you dig your own grave. ❞ ❝ either way, we’ve got nothing to lose. ❞ ❝ i’ve done what i can. the rest is up to you. ❞ ❝ forgive me, but you look fatigued. have you endured much hardship? ❞    ❝ i hope you find true honour in your next life. ❞ ❝ you deserve nothing less than death. ❞ ❝ this is foolish. surrender, and you can live. ❞ ❝ i too have pride in family. and i know what it’s like to live in their shadow. ❞ ❝ you were gone so long, i knew you were in trouble. ❞ ❝ so many of us here owe you our lives. ❞ ❝ what's wrong? what did they do to you? ❞   ❝ you’re lucky to be alive. ❞ ❝ i know your language. your traditions. your beliefs. which village to tame and which to burn. ❞   ❝ i cannot lose you again. ❞   ❝ i don’t seek revenge. but i will fight for peace. ❞   ❝ we will meet again soon. until then...travel safely. ❞   ❝ this is war --- not a test. ❞ ❝ we can save our home together. it doesn’t have to be like this. ❞ ❝ fear is a weapon. don’t let them use it against you. ❞

[ghoulschooldropout]

Literally had no idea you had OCs I would have been sending asks this WHOLE TIME spill the beans about them please and thank you 👁👁

you're all getting big ol' cartoony bugs bunny smooches rn i swear<3

OK SO most of my OCs are created through my writing, so a lot of them I don't have drawings of (yet! I'm working on it) and all my fics are WIPs but i can give you a brief intro/over-view of the main OCs that occupy my brain...

(BEWARE: VERY LONG)

Nathaniel J. Pearce (Nate) - the "canon" Sole Survivor - he/him

MY MAIN MAN i have like 5 WIP fics currently going for him...(the pic above is from a comic I’ve been working on, I’m not sure when I’ll finish it tbh, I’m currently in the process of redrawing old pages bc the style was so outdated)

He is the middle sibling of 3: younger brother Adrian & older brother Ethan- they have their own stories going on for them too but I won't get into that

He grew up poor in a very bad family situation, let’s just say his dad was out of the picture & he never had a great paternal role model (other than his brother who was only 4 years older than him). his mother also struggled with addiction & depression and was eventually institutionalized at Parson’s Asylum. so through his teenage years he and Adrian lived with their grandmother (Ethan left and joined the army straight out of high school)

Music was his passion & life's ambition before the war: he plays guitar, trumpet, and piano (his favorite). he also loves to sing & he writes his own music (but NOT the lyrics bc he thinks he is bad with words/poetry)

He was going to college for robotics & computer programming but he dropped out to pursue a career as a musician; this is how he ended up working construction as his day job, and spending his nights entertaining at a club as part of a band in the pre-war combat zone (where he met Nora)

Then of course to be canon compliant he was drafted into the war (turns out he is great at it) which killed a little bit of his soul and fucked up one of his hands; afterwards he swore off violence & promised himself he would never take a life ever again for any reason (which causes him a lot of pain, self-hatred, & inner-conflict post-war as you can imagine)

Before the bombs dropped he was planning to go back to school to become a music teacher

He struggles with PTSD, alcohol abuse/dependency, and grief; basically he's a mess mentally but like who wouldn't be in his position tbh?

Personality-wise he’s a people pleaser and a peace-maker, he gets nervous easily and feels awkward often but he is really good at hiding it. most people think he is very easy-going and likeable with a winning smile (but really he just smiles and jokes/laughs a lot when he’s uncomfortable)

He would probably consider Piper to be his best friend, with Nick and Cait as close runner-ups, but he’s also extremely close to MacCready & Deacon (they sort of fill the bickering brother-shaped holes in his life)

Nick is his love-interest; slow-burn, lots of pining bc they both think the other isn’t interested (& they have Issues) so they don’t get their shit together until after Far Harbor (After the Institute’s destruction)

I don’t really have an over-arching story for him, I just love using Nate to write scenes & give life & detail to the Commonwealth/Fallout 4. So I’ve created a lot of side characters/OCs by giving names, faces, and personalities to the NPCs he meets (such as Minutemen, Triggermen, & Raiders)

this is a lot of information and it’s not even Everything about him! so feel free to ask more facts about him I would be happy to share!!!

I’ve posted a little bit of him HERE, HERE, & HERE (His face is inconsistent, I know, I haven’t got him “just right” yet)

Lenora Mission-Pearce (Nora or Lenny) - she/they

(sorry the only pic I have rn is a doodle I made with the vague idea of her in mind- I’m working on a character sheet!)

Lenora is my sole survivor in an alternate universe where Nate never comes back from Anchorage, so she is a widowed single mother raising Shaun on her own (+Codsworth ofc)

Since there’s no backup Kellogg is less inclined to shoot her when attempting to kidnap Shaun, so in the end they kidnap them Both

The Institute offer her a place to stay there with Shaun, which she accepts at first (feeling she has no choice)

Of course she’s very nosy and asks too many questions & gets on the nerves of the Director, she befriends some Gen 2 synths (they are more human than the Institute gives them credit for) and learns about the organic synth plan (they leave out they are using her son for it), and THEN she finds out that the director kidnapped the rest of the Vault 111 residents and is using them for FEV experimentation which is the last straw leading to a confrontation with the director

the fight goes Very Badly and she asks to leave which presents a problem for the Institute bc they can’t let her go (she knows too much) but they can’t kill her (she’s befriended too many scientists and they would mutiny if her termination ever got out) so they end up forcing her & Shaun back under freeze in Vault 111 (they got what they needed from Shaun, but might as well keep him safe under freeze in case they need him again)

SO eventually she gets released 60ish years later and she’s fucking PISSED and ready to start a war with the Institute but she also has to face the difficulties of raising an infant by herself in the wasteland

So overall it’s Lone Wolf and Cub sort of adventures, with her desire for revenge against the institute keeping her from settling down

BACKGROUND & PREWAR INFO - she grew up rich, her parents divorced when she was young, her dad is Boston’s District Attorney, she went to boarding school where she met and fell in love with Jennifer Lands, so eventually when Jenny moves to Boston with Nick she becomes roommates with Lenora (causing Lenora to want to leave her apartment often and get drunk, which is how she meets Nate), Nate becomes her best friend very quickly and she loves him a lot & marries him but she never considered herself “in love” with him like he was with her

POST-BOMBS, her best friends are Nick and Codsworth

her love interest is Hancock, it’s an enemies to friends to lovers dynamic, they clash and argue a lot but they come to respect each other, Hancock definitely falls first. eventually they rile each other up for fun because they like arguing with each other (and the sex is great)

personality wise Lenora is very straight-forward and blunt, she is competitive, prefers to get her way, and is extremely smart. she speaks her mind and isn’t afraid to make enemies by doing so. honest to a fault. she has a bit of a temper, but she has it very under control (she is a professional after all). she loves her son more than anything in this world and will destroy anything or anyone that threatens her and her baby

Lucinda Mission AKA "Cinder" (Cindy, Cici, Boss, Cinder) - ghoul - raider boss - she/her (pre-war) they/them (post-war) 

Lenora’s half-sibling (younger, father’s side)

They were a chemist before the war

They were on their way to Nora’s house to take Shaun to the park when the bombs dropped and they ended up ghoulified

By the time Nora finds them, Lucinda is the leader of a raider gang occupying the Ironworks by Finch Farm and goes by the name Cinder

They offer settlements in their “territory” protection from other gangs & defense from mutants in exchange for “taxes”

Eventually Cinder & Nora work together to create a unity/treaty between the settlements, minutemen, & raider gangs (but not without a lot of conflict and fights first)

Eventually they become the Nuka-World Overboss

They have an affinity for chems, fire, & demolition, and prefer to use the Shishkebob (flamesword) as weapon

Personality-wise they are a boss ass bitch and they know it, their sense of humor has been warped a bit over the centuries, they can be a hard-ass and even a bit cruel at times but they are a good person still at heart and command respect from their gang

No drawings of Cinder yet unfortunately :(

Amias - super mutant courier six - he/they

Amias’s story is a little muddy, especially to Amias himself who has a lot of memory problems already (getting shot in the head was no help there)

He was turned into a super mutant when he was twelve by his own mother who believed she was “saving” him - his memory of this is warped due to trauma so he thinks that someone was forcing her to do this

Since he was turned so young he is a bit smaller than most mutants, but also because of his age his body was able to adapt better and grow into his mutation than those that were turned as adults

He’s very smart, he has an affinity for computers and robots, and he loves to read and he writes poetry (his handwriting is not the best though)

After his mutation he is abandoned by his mother & “family” (the organization they were a part of) so for many years he wandered the west coast looking for them

Because of this he has wanderlust & gets restless being in one place for long

Eventually as he travelled people asked him to pass along messages & packages as he went and he found himself becoming a courier

He has forgotten most of what has happened in those years searching for his family and it bothers/haunts him, he remembers somethings in his dreams but they are startling & out of context and only serve to stress him out more wondering what part of him he is missing

During New Vegas he becomes close to Raul, Lily, and Arcade (and he never goes anywhere without Ed-e)

He develops a big crush on Arcade, but it is unrequited

He doesn’t like the NCR (and they don’t really like him either) and he hates the Legion, so after befriending Yes-man he fights for an independent (and mutant friendly) New Vegas - but he has no interest in running things so he leaves the Mojave afterwards

Eventually he hears rumors of the Memory Den and so he makes his way east, hopeful to recover his memory & the part of him he thinks is missing... (Where he can become a Companion and you can convince him whether or not the memories are important to his identity)

You can also see Amias HERE

Clyde T. Spade (Courier, Spade, or Clyde)- she/they/his (genderfluid)

I created Clyde by accident, they started out as just a courier I could juxtapose with drawings of Benny (because I find courier/Benny relationship vastly entertaining) but then I started giving her a personality

Spade & Benny’s relationship is volatile and defined by their attempts to kill each other, but they are also inexplicably attracted to each other which makes things weird and complicated

They end up taking over New Vegas together (after Spade has to chase Benny across half the damn Mojave and convince him they actually like the guy despite wanting to kill him sometimes)

I honestly don’t think I have much to say about him right now other than I love drawing a seductive little bastard giving Benny trouble

I don’t know, it’s like this:

you can also see Spade HERE & HERE

Sharps & Maverick (Troy Merritt & Brian Maverick/Z4-21, package deal)

these guys were my first ever fallout OCs, i think i first created them back in high school? I used to have a few drawings of them but they were on a flash drive that is unfortunately no longer with us (RIP)

Sharps & Maverick are business partners that run a caravan company out of the Commonwealth, at least that is what it is on the surface

Their company can be hired to provide protection (normal caravan guards, but also Advanced Protection), but they can also be hired as couriers & delivery across the Commonwealth

They don’t discriminate to whom they provide their services-- be it for the triggerman, gunners, raiders, settlers, the railroad, the brotherhood, etc.

They refuse to traffick people, but they do offer synths jobs on caravans so they can discretely leave the region

Sharps manages most of the business side, the money, the routes, etc.

Maverick doesn’t care much for the details of the business, he enjoys being hands on with the caravans and the people themselves, and he trains Deathclaws & Mutts to provide the company’s Advanced Protection services

The nature of their caravan is mostly hush-hush and underground, they do a lot of their transportation at night, so they’ve managed to go under the Institute’s radar for a long time until Maverick gets replaced by Z4-21

Sharps realizes something is wrong with Maverick pretty quickly, but he lacks the proof and conviction to do anything (but he does start filtering the information he tells Maverick)

This is where the Sole Survivor can come in, they can be introduced to their organization through the Railroad, the Brotherhood, or possibly the Minutemen (looking for an alliance to aid with supply lines)

(or I guess you can come with the Institute to try and destroy/take over the caravan company)

You can convince Sharps to hire you to investigate Maverick (it helps if you have Nick Valentine with you)

You can investigate Maverick’s bedroom & terminal, go to Maverick’s last known whereabouts before his noticeable personality change (according to Sharps), or you can tail Maverick to see/report if he does anything suspicious (you’ll probably have to do all three & make sure you get concrete evidence, Sharps takes a lot of convincing to betray/confront Maverick)

Of course you can confront “Maverick” directly and if you’re convincing enough he will confess to being a replacement, but he will tell you he means Sharps (and the company) no harm and doesn’t want to work for the Institute (it’s up to you to decide if he’s lying)

The ending and what happens to Maverick is really up to you

Depending on the outcome you choose, if you’re aligned with the minutemen but not charismatic enough for the local leader perk you can use Sharps’ caravan to establish supply lines between your settlements

If you got this far I am amazed, thank you so much for reading! If you have any questions about any of them, feel free to send me an ask or DM me! I’ll be posting character sheets eventually that will be much more palatable than this exhausting wall of text, so stay tuned! <3 <3 <3

[helliontherapscallion]

Bonding (Adrenaline Junkie Chapter 12)

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5     Part 6     Part 7     Part 8     Part 9     Part 10     Part 11     Part 13     Part 14     Part 15     Part 16     Part 17

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: nightmares, swearing, mentions of death/injury

Word count: 3,383

(A/N): it feels good to get back to this story

A week and a half went by in a flash. In that time, you and Arthur grew closer. You absolutely loved how he was so interested in innovation and engineering, you felt like he was the perfect choice for your apprentice. To pass the time, you would teach Arthur the basics of redstone working. You taught him everything from how to properly store it to the beginnings of using repeaters. Occasionally, Philza would join you two in lessons.

“Then, you just connect the repeaters together with redstone and set each for the desired times. Et voila! You have properly working timed pistons.”

Looking up from your demonstration, you stifle a chuckle at the two sitting in front of you. Arthur, the ever vigilant student, was frantically scribbling down notes into the journal you gave him, his face scrunched in concentration and his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. Your father, however, looked downright confused. The poor man was staring down helplessly at the two repeaters in front of him, the whole set up he had looked slightly flimsy in structure. Redstone dust messily formed a line between the iron contraptions with the occasional tiny break in the dust. Judging by the positioning of the repeaters themselves, they were in the right place but they were haphazardly placed. Sure the positioning of the two repeaters relative to each other would work, but it was just something that you wouldn’t do. You always hated clutter in your contraptions. The only true flaw in his build was the messy line of redstone. 

You walked over to the table your dad was working at and started to explain why the machine wasn’t working. “So your only mistake here is the cleanliness of your redstone. With it being this messy, there are plenty of potential breakages of the wiring,” you gently swept the redstone into a neat line with your hands and watched as the entire contraption glowed red. Pistons started moving in succession of each other in timed bursts. “One more thing, just a little nitpicky thing, the repeaters are set right, they’re just… messy?” You watched as Philza watched the movement of the pistons with a blank look before he looked up at you with a slightly annoyed look. 

“Other than that, the settings of the repeaters were set right!” You sheepishly grinned at him before realizing that he wasn’t going to be reassured by your weak reassurance. You looked over to Arthur, “Arthur buddy you wanna try?”

You watched as his eyes lit up in excitement as he looked up from you from over the brim of his journal. Without a word, he quickly got to work. You and Philza watched him as he continuously looked between his journal and his work.

“I didn’t know working with redstone was so hard. I just thought it was easy with how fast you invent things,” Philza said dejectedly. 

You reached over to pat him on the back, “it took me a while to figure it out. I remember four years ago when I started I was completely lost.”

You felt the vibration of his chuckle, “I remember when you almost crushed your wing in a piston. You were so lucky it only caught the ends of a few primary feathers.”

You chuckled bittersweetly, “not that it matters. I lost that wing a few months after that.”

You could practically hear his mind start churning, “but you made a new one, you can still fly.”

“It’s not the same Dad. I hate having to spend thirty minutes putting the sensors on my back. I can’t feel the air moving through my feathers anymore. It feels like a part of me is constantly missing and this hunk of useless metal doesn’t take that feeling away.”

He fell silent as he continued to watch Arthur work. You always felt bad whenever you dumped your trauma on him, he was always looking for ways for you to feel better. But there were just some things that couldn’t be fixed with reassurances and small gifts. He didn’t understand that and you didn’t have the heart to tell him that his kind and caring nature would never get you your wing back. It was gone forever and nothing can bring it back. 

You tried to not be bitter about it, it happened three years ago afterall, but you couldn’t help but feel a bitter taste on your tongue and a pang in your heart whenever someone mentions a time when you still had both wings. Whenever someone mentioned you having both wings, you could still remember the feeling of the air working itself through the nooks and crannies of the spaces between your feathers, the way that both wings would hang off your bed because they were too large (you never got to ask Philza about how he covered his wings), the way that they would both puff up behind you when you tried to intimidate your brothers during a snowball fight. You didn’t want those memories, they were of a better version of yourself. You didn’t want to be reminded of what could’ve been if you didn’t go deeper into that damned cave. 

“...Sorry, that was uncalled for.”

“Don’t apologize, I should’ve realized how you felt before bringing it up.”

“It’s not your fault, you didn’t know.”

You watched as his eyebrows furrowed and he looked at you with confusion, “why’re you just now-”

“(Y/n) I think I did it! Come look!”

Without a second glance at your dad, you hurried off to inspect Arthur’s contraption. It was perfectly set up; the redstone was in a neat line with no breakages, the repeaters were set perfectly and spaced evenly apart, and the pistons were successfully moving together in timed spurts. 

You grinned at Arthur, “well done! This is perfect, you’ll be moving onto making your own inventions in no time. I couldn't have asked for a better apprentice.”

Arthur basked in your praise and listened to your words like they were being sung to him by an angel. He was practically beaming with how proud he was of himself. If the redstone smeared on his cheeks could be activated by emotional response, it would be glowing a brilliant red. 

You reached out to wipe away the redstone from his cheek with your thumb, “why don’t you go clean up so we can grab some lunch. I bet you’re hungry.”

“I’m not hungry, I just wanna work with you more!” Arthur tried to convince you, but the rumbling of his stomach told you otherwise. You chuckled as the redstone slowly got camouflaged into his reddening puffed out cheeks. 

He looked away in embarrassment as he started to stalk up the stairs, “...I’ll go clean up.”

Alongside teaching Arthur the basics of what you know, you were working on a plan to somehow release the souls from the Warden’s captivity. You felt a sort of survivor’s guilt when you thought about how you returned to your family and Hugh did not. Your family could survive without you, but Hugh was Arthur’s only family. It was unfair that such a kind, loving boy had his only family ripped away from him at such a young age when he needed his brother most. The least you could do for Arthur was free his brother’s soul from it’s endless torment. 

You kept a journal that you would write out your plans in. The plans ranged from fighting the Warden with your very limited swordsmanship to blowing the entire cave to smithereens. No matter what plan you came up with, it would always result in you getting seriously wounded or dying for the last time. Most of the plans you came up with wouldn’t work anyways; the Warden was just too powerful. Asking Philza or Techno was out of the question, you didn’t want to risk their lives. That, and they would never let you go kill it. This was something you had to do on your own. 

The mere thought of facing the Warden stressed you out extremely, giving you more and more nightmares about the monster. 

The Warden somehow entered your house. You could hear it’s booming footsteps working its way through the hallways and stopping at each room. You could hear how it slaughtered your family brutally. You could hear their screams slowly becoming integrated into the horrid cacophony of the souls’ as their souls were absorbed into the Warden’s being. Finally, as the Warden reached your room, you could hear your family’s voices over the harsh screaming of the other souls.

“You promised me that you wouldn’t let it get me.” Arthur.

“I thought you’d always protect me.” Tommy.

“Why’d you let me die?” Wilbur.

“I’ve done so much for you and you just let me die.” Techno. 

“It should’ve been you.” Philza.

Just as the Warden’s clawed hand swung down towards your face, you bolted up from your bed and flattened yourself against the wall scanning your room for the Warden. There was not a single thing out of place in your room. You wiped away the tears that were streaming freely down your cheeks and grabbed your automatic crossbow you had leaning against your wall. Grasping it with an iron grip and your finger hovering over the trigger, you reluctantly left your room and made your way down the hallway. You opened Philza’s door and peered into his room. You could see his wings sprawled out behind him and his chest rising and falling gently. He was still alive. You closed the door quietly and made your way to Wilbur’s old room where Arthur was currently sleeping. Bracing yourself to find his corpse, you opened the door.  You only saw a mop of brilliant red hair poking out of the blankets. You couldn’t see movement, oh god was he even breathing? You rushed over to his bed and pulled back the covers. 

You could see his peaceful face looking back at you. Putting your hand under his nose, you held your breath as you waited for air to hit your hand. Finally after what seemed like forever, you felt a gentle burst of air hit your hand. You covered Arthur back up and stalked out of his room. Your family was alive. The Warden was still in that cave. It was just a dream. It was just a dream.

You glanced at the clock, it was about half past four in the morning. You’d have to wake up in about two hours, so you just made your way down to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of coffee. Not that you’d be able to go back to sleep after that nightmare anyways. Time moved infinitely around you as you became engrossed in your thoughts. You needed to make better plans to kill the Warden. You needed to be better. 

You didn’t notice when Arthur and Philza entered the kitchen. You were fully zoned out staring at the now cold cup of coffee in your hands, lost in thought. It wasn’t until you felt a hand on your shoulder that you snapped out of your trance. Recoiling violently and reaching for the crossbow you had propped up against the chair, you whipped around and pointed the weapon at the thing that touched you. Instead of the Warden standing there ready to devour you, you were met with a startled Philza stepping back with his hands in the air. Arthur was hiding behind him fearfully. 

Your eyes widened as you lowered the crossbow. You could feel your wing start to puff up and retract itself back in reflecting your horror as you hastily put the crossbow back onto the table. “I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t- I wouldn’t do that. Shit what time is it, I haven’t made breakfast yet. I’ll start. I'm sorry.”

You pushed passed them as you rushed over to the chest and pulled out the ingredients to make pancakes. Your shaky hands struggled slightly to pour the exact measurement of flour before someone stopped you. 

“(Y/n), I’ll make it.” It was your dad once again.

“No, I got it.”

“(Y/n), I’m not asking. Go sit down.”

You sighed as you started walking to the table. You could hear Arthur’s breath hitch in his throat when you grabbed the crossbow and stalked up to your room to hide it. You could feel guilt, shame, and horror rise up from deep within you from what you almost did. You couldn’t believe that you almost just shot them because of your stupid delusion. It would’ve been fatal too, your automatic crossbow never failed to kill. It was one of the many downsides to the weapons you invented, you had to live with the fact that people are getting killed because of your inventions. In a way, you indirectly killed many people per day. 

You walked down the stairs as slowly as you could so you could avoid having to face them. You couldn’t forget the look of pure fear on Arthur’s face as he hid behind Philza, you were the cause of that. You promised that you would protect him and he fully trusted you to do so. This morning you took that trust and destroyed it the second you reached for that crossbow.

When you reached the dining room, you sat down as far away from Arthur as possible. You could hear Philza pause his movements when he saw you enter the room before he started stirring again. He was probably trying to see if you came back with a stronger weapon so he could protect Arthur. You were a monster.

Soon enough breakfast was ready and a hefty plate of pancakes covered with maple syrup was placed in front of you. Breakfast went by quietly, the only sound coming from the clanking of silverware against plates. You didn’t eat much of your breakfast, you were too busy trying to think of a way to apologize to Arthur and Philza. In the middle of your thought process, you were interrupted by Arthur’s voice.

“(Y/n)?”

You jumped slightly and looked up at him, “yeah?”

“Can you look at my blueprint? I got an idea for something yesterday and I wanna see if you think it’d work.”

You looked at the young boy in slight confusion, “...Sure just finish your breakfast first.”

“I’m done, I’ll go grab it!”

Without giving you any warning, he jumped out of his chair and raced up the stairs.

“You gave us quite the scare this morning hun. What happened?”

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize, just tell me what happened.”

You sighed and ran a hand through your hair, “I just had a bad nightmare last night. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I just… came down here to wait a bit so I could make breakfast.”

“Nightmares are understandable, but why’d you have a crossbow?”

“I thought I needed something to protect the house if it came.”

“If the Warden came? I thought you didn’t get nightmares about it anymore.”

“Well, I still do, just a lot more frequently-”

Arthur burst through the door and ran over to you, slapping the paper on the table in front of you. You squinted at it, trying to decipher the messy handwriting. It was a layout of a secret door, which was popular in the world of redstoning. You didn’t have the heart to tell him that though, especially with how excited he was to show you what he made. So, you smiled at him.

“It looks good buddy, do ya wanna try to build it today? I can help you.”

“Yes! I’m gonna go get dressed so we can build it!”

He once again dashed up the stairs, leaving you and Philza alone in the kitchen. Philza chuckled, “he reminds me of Tommy when he was that age. Except… a little more mellow.” When you didn’t respond, he turned to look at you. “What’s wrong?”

You sighed, “he was so scared of me this morning. I promised to protect him and I almost ended up killing him.”

“...Ya know I almost stabbed you and your brothers multiple times when you guys were younger because you guys startled me right?”

You felt the corners of your mouth twitch, “of course I do, and you would always get us ice cream after.”

“Did you ever resent me for it?”

“No, you were just trying to def- oh, I see where you’re going with this.”

“Ever the keen one,” he chuckled. “Arthur’s more understanding than most kids his age, I bet he understands that you didn’t mean to do that. You just gotta make it up to him.”

“Alright, thank you Dad. I think I’m gonna go get dressed so Arthur doesn’t have to wait long. I think if I have him wait any longer he’s gonna explode.”

After you got dressed, you walked downstairs and grabbed the materials Arthur would need and a couple of extra supplies you might need. Walking outside, you were met with an excited Arthur. You two worked on his contraption all day. You knew exactly what he needed to do to fix any problems that arouse, but you only gave him little hints that would push him in the right direction. You wanted him to stop relying on you so much for the little things. Sure, you were always going to be there for him when he was stuck, but you wanted him to be more independent. 

Eventually, the sky took on hues of pinks and yellows as the sun started to disappear behind the treeline. “It’s getting late, Arthur. You made good progress today.”

He nodded as he walked alongside you back into the house as you led him to the couch. “Arthur?”

He looked at you, his brown eyes clouded with exhaustion and confusion. “I’m so proud of how fast you’ve improved. I have something for you.” You reached into your bag and pulled out a new pair of goggles and leather gloves.

“I know it’s not much, but-”

“I love it.” He whispered as he stared down at his presents in his hands. Without warning, he flung himself into your side as he tightly hugged your midsection. You froze before you wrapped your left wing around him in a feathery hug. Your hand reached up to stroke his hair as you chuckled. “It’s no problem kid, you deserve it.”

You two sat there for a bit before you patted his back, “dinner’s almost ready. Let’s go clean up so my dad doesn’t throw a fit. You have redstone and dirt all over you.”

After you two cleaned the dirt off from your faces and hands, you led Arthur down the stairs. You nudged his shoulder when you got to the end of the stairs, “race you to the kitchen!”

You broke off into a speed walk as Arthur started to sprint, laughing boisterously as the distance grew between you two quickly. Grinning, you shouted out, “oh no, I can’t go any faster! You’re gonna win!” 

You dramatically yelled out a stretched out “no” as he bolted into the kitchen and sat at the table. You sped walked into the kitchen and sat next to Arthur. “How’re you so fast? I couldn’t catch up to you if I tried.”

“Yeah, you’re a speed demon Arthur!” Philza agreed from the stove between laughs. He forgot how much missed having his kids race each other to the dinner table, having Arthur around the house was really refreshing for him. He was ecstatic that you were getting closer to Arthur, it meant that he was going to get another grandson soon. 

Dinner went by a lot smoother with laughter and banter being tossed around freely. Arthur would not take the goggles off and wore them proudly at the top of his head. Philza would cast knowing looks over to you when he was sure you were looking at him, which confused you, but you just brushed the feeling aside. You were happy sitting at the table eating with your little family; you couldn’t wait for your brothers and nephew to finally meet Arthur. They’d get along well with your apprentice. Until then, you have a mission to complete involving a certain monster. 

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[retrocontinuity]

Eat, for this is Her Body: Chainsaw Man and the Doxology of Cannibalism

"One day," Anthony Oliveira writes in "The Year in Apocalypses," [Jesus'] disciples approached their master while he was silent in prayer and made a request: 'Lord, teach us how to pray.'" From here, Jesus teaches them the Lord's Prayer, what the Catholic Church once called "the summary of the whole gospel":

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Denji is no one's disciple. When we first meet him, he is closer to how Oliveira describes Jesus himself, "homeless, gleaning for food in the field like a sparrow and relying on the kindness of strangers to put him up, . . . a man cheerfully resigned to powerlessness." And so, Denji doesn't need to be taught how to pray. He has always known. Every bone in his body at the opening of Chainsaw Man sings out the Lord's Prayer: "forgive me my debts", "deliver me from evil." And, of course, Denji is intimately familiar with the prayer's most pitiable, most powerful line. It's this line that he cries out to Makima when he rests, Pieta-like, in her arms at the end of the first chapter. It can only be this line, one that Denji might have written himself:

Give me, from this day forward, and for all the rest of my days, daily bread.

Bread runs throughout CSM like a mocking scent that you only fully identify in the last two chapters. It should have been a sign to all of us when the first meal Makima buys for Denji is not bread (but rather a hot dog and udon noodles). It isn't until Denji meets and enters Aki's home that he is seen making a hideously overladen slice of toast for himself, luxuriating in having all the toppings he was denied. The morning after she forces Denji to open the door to Power's death, Makima makes the very breakfast she once promised to serve Denji: eggs, coffee, salad, and sliced bread. But this is a meal that Denji never eats—maybe the only meal in the entire series that he, a survivor of the meanest starvation and poverty, ignores. There is only one other time we see this meal in CSM, and it is subtle, almost off camera, though no less meaningful: in Chapter 53, after Reze's death, as Denji sits down to breakfast once more with Power and Aki.

To revisit CSM's public safety arc is to see all the ways the plot connects itself to food and the act of eating, both appetizing and revolting, both profound and profane. Denji, eating gyoza at a bar for the first time. Denji being forced to swallow barf as he is kissed for the first time. The Fox Devil, who eats indiscriminately and on command, who refuses to return to Aki after being fed something disgusting. A fox that is hunted and transformed into stew. Denji eating sandwiches at Reze's cafe. Aki and Angel eating noodles. A woman sitting down to eat a hamburger for the first time, before she commits mass murder. She is worried she has lost her taste buds, yet she exclaims, "So delicious!" We know, later, that this woman is a liar, that no part of her is what she presents herself to be. Should we take this moment at its face value then? Was Santa Claus simply lucky enough to have preserved her sense of taste? Or was it her one last act of humanity, to recognize that it is not enough just to eat, that man does not live on bread alone, that there must be at least food that is also delicious, that inspires people to get up and dance—even if it means she has to lie about what she can experience?

Food is necessary for survival, and CSM is a story about survival. But CSM is also a story about glimpsing the after. After you know you can keep living, what next? After you are no longer starving, after you have been forced to kill a friend, after you have touched your first boob, after you have been betrayed, what next? After you are tired of eating toast with jam for breakfast, what do you eat next?

The version of the Lord's Prayer we tend to recite asks for "our daily bread." But this, most modern scholars believe, is a mistranslation. The Greek adjective as it appears in the Gospel of Matthew and Luke is "epiousios," which doesn't mean "daily" at all, but rather something too complicated etymologically for me to even begin to parse. The point is that what we ask for in the Lord's Prayer is not just bread for today, but bread for tomorrow. Both the physical bread and the spiritual bread. Bread on this kingdom of earth, and bread that is the kingdom of heaven. Bread to feed our bodies, and bread to feed our souls. The realm of the divine is full of these moments, isn't it? Of two things existing at once, in one.

Denji starts the series asking for daily bread, and ends the public safety arc with Nayuta, Makima's reincarnation, asking him for daily bread. Trash heap Denji, living with his not!dog Pochita, really was just asking for daily bread. A slice to eat for breakfast, maybe even with butter and jam. But he too learns that bread, physical bread, is not enough. Merely to subsist, to eat good food, is an empty life. And what he must give Nayuta is not just bread, as was given to him. Otherwise, he will be trapped in a cycle of creating more Makimas. Instead, he must give her a relationship, a family, a world that Makima was unable to create. He must give her, in Pochita's words, lots of hugs. He must give her, in the words of the Lord's Prayer, epiousios.

To be clear, I am not arguing that CSM is meant to be read through a Catholic lens, and I doubt Fujimoto had all of this in mind when he wrote it (though he must have thought something, given that he drew a very large print of Gustave Dore's "Satan descends upon Earth" in Makima's entranceway!). But there is something primal (primordial?) about the Lord's Prayer. If every reader can understand the horror that the Darkness Devil represents, so too we can understand the intimacy and comfort of the Lord's Prayer. It is, as Oliveira writes, "a simple peasant's mantra for detoxing anxiety." Jesus opens by addressing God as father—not king, not an all-mighty spiritual being, but rather "abba, which is rather closer to 'dad,' and not in the intercultural Greek of his adulthood, but the Aramaic of home and childhood." The Lord's Prayer asks for what we always want, the only thing any of us have ever wanted since leaving the womb as infants: for no bad things to happen, for there to be enough to eat.

Even if what we have to eat is another person.

At the center of the Christian liturgy is the Last Supper, and at the center of the Last Supper is a meal that functions as ritual, abomination, accusation, transubstantiation, paranoia, and an early example of cracking open a cold one with the bros. Here, Jesus shares bread and wine with his disciples and then, as if trying to invent r/creepypasta years before its time, informs them they are actually eating his flesh and blood. This image is so powerful and heretical that the Romans accused early Christians of being cannibals. And why shouldn't they? It's there in the text. "Take, eat. This is my body. This is my blood." Stripped of the grandeur of tradition and ritual, this is downright vampiric. And yet it goes on to become the cornerstone of the Christian faith.

Oliveira begs us to see the Last Supper as a family meal, one shared by Jesus and his found family. "All he is really saying is, 'I hope when you eat together, you remember me.'" It's a good reading, one that moves me to tears, and is the framework through which I see the events of chapter 80. Because Makima is not the first time that Denji "consumes" a friend, and I don't just mean him sucking Power's blood or taking Pochita into himself. When Aki died, he left half his fortune to Denji, who uses it to support himself and Power. They "pigged out on good food," he tells us. This is Aki's symbolic body, through which he provides Denji his daily bread. Eat ice cream and onigiri in remembrance of me.

But it is not how I see the events of chapter 96. Denji does not eat Makima in the context of a feast. He does not partake of her in a communal meal, as Jesus did, among his found family. He eats every bite of Makima alone. Jesus said before his death, "this is my blood, which is shed for many." Yet Denji says to Makima, I alone will absolve you alone of your sins. I alone will bear you alone.

Denji's Last Supper is a lonely remembrance. He is hoping that no one but him will remember her. He is hoping to wholly consume her, because he loves her. "We love as cannibals," French philosopher and activist Simone Weil wrote. "Beloved beings . . . provide us with comfort, energy, a simulant. They have the same effect on us as a good meal. . . . We love them, then, as food." In fact, Weil believed we cannot love any other way. As humans, we are forever doomed to want to eat the ones we love. In order to escape, we must both be devoured by God and then become food for our fellow human beings. As Alec Irwin writes of Weil's philosophy, "the devouring violence of God must be positively harnessed in order to dismantle the machinery of human cruelty."

If Weil is right and being devoured is transformation, a crucial part of salvation, then in eating Makima, Denji redeems her. He turns her into food to break the cycle of her cruelty. For Makima's power itself is consuming, cannibalistic. She "eats" humans in order to use her power, which remains mysterious like God moving across the face of the earth, leaving only broken corpses as a sign of its presence. So it must be Denji, not Chainsaw Man, who does the consuming. If Pochita had consumed her, as she had always prayed for, then it would simply be another act of violence being enacted. Instead, Denji gives her salvation by turning her into human food—his food.

To Denji, Aki was human, his family, his brother, his friend.  It is Makima he loves as a God and a woman. To him, she is Satan and God, his betrayer and his creator, his salvation and his friends' damnation. So he must take her, consume her, digest her, excrete her, reduce her to nothing, as she once consumed and excreted and reduced him. "I ate her to become one with her." He ate her to become her. There is no truer form of his love than for Denji to take Makima into himself. I use those words purposefully, because this is the rejection of classic cishet PIV penetration, that old hoary chestnut of men inside women. As Don Delillo famously outlines in White Noise, we talk about sex as if women are containers, rooms, elevator lobbies: "He entered me," "I want him inside me," "I took him into myself." Denji and Makima never have physical sex, but this is a consummation, a reversal of roles. We are given the only sex that Shounen Jump will allow us, with Denji taking Makima into himself. She enters him. She is inside him. He is—physically, emotionally, willingly—penetrated by her flesh. She is released inside of him, becoming part of him.

Because the divine is full of moments like this, isn't it? Of two things existing at once, in one. That is the kingdom and the power and the glory. For Makima now lives in that country inhabited by God, where loving and eating are one and the same. For that country is none other than Denji's body.

In conclusion:

Substitute Makima for "God", and the preceding statements are still rigorously accurate.

Further Reading:

Anthony Oliveira's ongoing podcast reading the Gospel of Mark (Patreon exclusive, but I highly recommend, even/especially if you are a heathen like me)

Hannibal (NBC)

Daniel Birnbaum and Anders Olsson, An Interview with Jacques Derrida on the Limits of Digestion

David Farrell Krell, "All You Can't Eat: Derrida's Course, "Rhetorique du Cannibalisme (1990-1991)." Research in Phenomenology, vol. 36, 2006, pp. 130–180. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24660636. 

Alec Irwin, “Devoured by God: Cannibalism, Mysticism, and Ethics in Simone Weil.” CrossCurrents, vol. 51, no. 2, 2001, pp. 257–272. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24460795.