#if you watched just this episode in isolation not only would you not realise that ethan liked alicia

[riverstardis]

thirty years:

charlie inviting duffy round for dinner and wine👀

ethan and lily watching cal and alicia together and lily’s like “just when i was starting to think she wasn’t quite as dumb as she looks” and ethan goes “you’re not jealous are you?” and she’s like “no, just full of pity. some women are beyond help.”💀

iain and jez come over and say how alicia and cal must be official now then and lily’s like “it’s like watching a baby antelope at the watering hole” HELPSJDKFJJ

ohhh this is the scene! iain says a few of the lads are going out for a drink later and invites lily and she says sure and when iain’s gone ethan goes “well, someone’s going home with a hunky paramedic” BI ETHAN BI ETHAN BI ETHAN🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 bc describing your male colleague as “hunky” is a very heterosexual thing for a man to do /s lily goes “ha, please” and he goes “don’t forget the five year plan lily! tick tock!” I MISS THEIR FRIENDSHIP SO MUCH😫😫

yknow if ethan’s gonna go travelling with bodhi i’m gonna choose to believe he’s going to go visit lily in hong kong. i should write a fic. i have actually been to hong kong myself but i was like 4 so i don’t remember what the city was like or anything.

lmaoo alicia comes over and ethan’s like “i think lily needs our help” “oh?” “yeah, trying to find a man.” lily goes “no i don’t” and ethan mouths “she does” to alicia behind lily’s back sjskdkfkg

why did ethan just fully take on a gay best friend role in that scene😭😭 this made me wonder if this ep had the same writer as handcuffs (rashan date ep) but no it doesn’t so there are TWO writers (at least) who were absolutely determined to make ethan queer! i thank them for their service!

also why is matchmaking ethan and alicia’s thing sjdkdjfj like them teaming up in s33 to get rash and gem back together, and, like here, they weren’t actually together themselves then either! (though they ended up getting back together at the same time, leading to them overhearing rash and gem having sex sjsjjfkfk)

lmaoo why is elle going “karen please don’t do this! karen!” while her patient runs away while making no actual effort to stop her😭

sjdkfkfk now alicia’s trying to help lily find a man, asking her what her type is and lily isn’t telling her so she looks around and suggests dylan “consultant? very eligible?” and lily goes “i once considered dr keogh but he still has that dog and mental health issues can be genetic, plus he lives on a barge” alicia’s face while she’s listening to that SKDKFKKF can you imagine dylan and lily though they would not work at all😭 too different flavours of autism

alicia’s begging for something to work with and lily’s like “someone like ric griffin” and alicia’s like “isn’t he acting ceo now??” and lily goes “exactly” wkdkfkkfkf

duffy’s son threatening charlie shdjfjjfj

poor tanya😢

ah sebastian’s dad. he’s locuming there so he can check up on him?

aw seb tries to stand up for his patient but his dad just shoots him down, and dylan also tries but mr grayling asks his name and then goes “ah yes, i know the name. curious business with the number 4?”

sjskfkfk alicia and lily were watching and alicia looks horrified and goes “what a—“ and lily goes “him.” saying he’s her type😭😭

lmaoo alicia introduces herself and lily to mr grayling and leaves lily to speak to him and goes to stand the other side of the nurses station and like motions for her to check his hand for a wedding ring and stuff SKDKKFKF

LMAO alicia goes up to mr grayling and fully just asks him if he wants to take lily out on a date😭😭 he’s like “extraordinary. you can tell dr chao to meet me here at 7 o’clock sharp”

lily’s like “i cannot believe you just did that! what am i gonna wear?” sjsjfjfkfk

aww duffy’s granddaughter is born

charlie and duffy talking about how they’ve had 30 years of friendship and duffy’s like “it wasn’t just friendship though was it?”👀👀

aww lily all dressed up for her date! sebastian’s like “seriously, dad? she’s my age!”😭😭

lily talking to ethan and alicia while seb’s standing up to his dad. and she tells iain she can’t make drinks anymore. aw ethan’s like “have fun!”

oh are charlie and duffy about to kiss?

yup now they’re snogging in a store cupboard

[angelpassing-by]

SOMETHING BAD GOING ON LATELY

Characters: Zhongli, Diluc. Genre: angst, comfort. Your boyfriend realises over time you're in a bad mental space and comforts you after you open up. Modern AU. Tw: self harm, not graphic mention of injuries and self harm scars, depression episodes. A/N: English is not my first language. A bit rambly and incoherent, I'm afraid-

ZHONGLI ִ  ֗- - - - - - - - ꔫ - - - - - - - - ִ  ۫ 

You hadn't really been feeling yourself lately. Things happened around you as if they were filtered by a distorted glass. Words had a static sound behind them, and even silence felt somehow too heavy.

You laid still most of the time, waiting for the time to pass by, one, two, five hours and counting. Without the soft humming of your partner the air on the appartment felt constricting. The couch wasn't even that comfortable, but you didn't have the energy to get up.

it took some time for the ex-archon to pick up on your behaviour, all in all, as an inmortal being, he was used to stillness. Plus, it definetly didn't help that you weren't normally very energetic either.

"Honey, are you feeling fine?"

That had been a particularly difficult day as you were forced out of your home by your friends. They laughed and joked and you felt so, so out of place through the entire time. You couldn't help but feel inadequate. You weren't as funny as them, or as pretty, or smart or kind. You just couldn't figure out how to reach to them, and in your poor state of mind, everything you could think about was how little you gave to them.

"Yes, just kind of tired, don't worry." You lied, slowly getting up and heading to the kitchen for a glass of water.

"Are you sure, you have been a bit down lately." He trailed behind you but his words seemed to vanish on thin air, or maybe be swallowed by too-thick air.

You couldn't be bothered to respond, why would you? Things changed around you, you could do nothing. Words were spoken, but life just continued after all, long and miserable. And you, you were just watching from the sidelines.

"Do you want to go somewhere? Or maybe just order takeout and watch something." Your boyfriend was getting anxious, he knew nothing about human beings.

Maybe you were sick.

"I'm fine. I'll go to bed early though so don't bother." You talked drily, where were the endearing nicknames or the shy smiles? Zhongli couldn't help but wonder.

You went to bed early without saying goodnight and were still fast asleep when he got up for work. Well, actually, you had prentended to be sleeping, feeling the sweet goodnight kiss on your temple and the squeeze on your hand when he left.

You felt like a terrible partner, avoiding your significant other. In truth, you were scared, what if he dind't seem real? What if he suddenly had the realisation that you were nothing but a bystander in everyone's life?

That night, the scene repeated, but instead of confronting you, Zhongli simply asked in a gentle manner "Can I hug you, my dear?"

That caught you by surprise and you absentmidedly nodded, still convinced that he wouldn't dare to touch you. But he did, wrapping you in big, warm arms and securing you to his chest, the fabric of his expensive suit rubbing against your cheek.

In that precise moment, time froze, the glass cage that had been keeping you isolated for weeks shattering. The thrumming of his heart against your ear, clearer than any sound you'd heard as of lately. His hands on your back felt so real, so genuine. You dind't even noticed that you were talking, softly wispering as he rubbed your back in circular motions.

"You're real."

DILUC ִ  ֗ - - - - - - - - ꔫ - - - - - - - - ִ  ۫ 

That was one of the only times when you could actually feel like yourself. When the pressure on your chest was lifted and the stream of tears clouded that little skeptical voice inside your mind.

"Are you even real?"

"Do you exists if no one looks at you?"

"Everything would be fine if you were gone."

The steady pulse hammering your head as the heavy droplets of crimson slide across your marred skin somehow gave you peace. And you felt horrible for it. Horrible for relapsing and falling again for old vices. Horrible for lying to your boyfriend. Horrible because everything was fine, yet you still felt distant from it all.

The tender scars across your arms itched as you tugged on your long sleeves, always paranoid that they would to slip down, just enough to reveal a trail of swollen skin and distorted lines. The anxiety making you space out from whatever your boyfriend was talking at that moment. Truthfully, you had no energy left to hear some story about drunkards or the mysterious Dark Night.

" - and of course, Charles just had to do it, you know?" Diluc, immersed in his monologue as he was, had unconsciously approached you, a shoulder brushing against you own.

You made an uncomfortable noise when he pulled you closer but aside from a hurt look, he let it slide and proceed to ask about your day. Pretty uneventful, you still managed to pull a believable performance sprinkling some exaggerations and white lies into your tale.

From that day on the exchange repeated a handful of times and finally you felt something change in the air between you two. Diluc became careful when approaching you, choosing to keep his distance, and colder, quite literally. You had grown, over the time you both had been together, accustomed to the heat that he naturally radiated due to his vision but now, with your body hidden under layers and layers of protective fabric, the temperature was unbearable. That coldness had seeped into the atmosphere at your home. With Diluc unable to use his love language in fear that it would make you uncomfortable, the tension built up.

"Did I do anything?" That was the last thing you were expecting that day.

You had slipped into bed quickly after a small dinner and Diluc had promptly followed you to the master bedroom, sitting out of arm reach at the edge of the mattress.

"No!" You voice came louder than you had expected it. "No" You repeated yourself quietly.

"Then why this? Did someone do something to you?" He finally looked at you, deeply into your eyes with a scared expression.

"No, it's got nothing to do with you or anybody else. It's just... too hot."

He smiled awkwardly and tried to joke it off "Am I really that hot that you can't stand being around me?"

But you didn't laugh and his serious face and deep frown reappeared. "Maybe if you didn't wear so many layers -"

"No"

"Why?"

And then it happened, it never occurred to you he would ask why. Why? And then you told him. The words pouring out of your mouth without any cohesion or structure. You told him about that part of yourself, the one that didn’t let you live in peace. You told him about that not feeling real that you carried around, about the cuts and how you didn't know how to stop, how to make the urge go away. You rambled until your throat felt sore and your head began pulsating with the familiar thrumming of an imminent headache.

"I know you are not fine, " he paused and moved closer to you "and I doubt there's anything really I can do. But I want - no - I need to help you. I can't stand to see you in pain, I love you too much and you love yourself too little. So please, tell me, what can I do?" His face pleading for something, anything.

Deep red eyes searched for yours before you hesitantly asked, "Can I hold your hand?"

[c1oud999]

hi

i just wanted to come on here and talk about my experience with spirituality. warning: longggg post ahead.

basically ive been in the spiritual community for YEARS now. ive had existential crisis since the age of 11 and ive gone through many phases of many different spiritual trends. from law of attraction, to witchcraft, to religious devotion, to law of assumption and now finally non dualism. i read books, meditated for hours and hours, talked to spiritual ppl from all walks of life and watched all the episodes of ganga upanishad (a show i still highly recommend, you can watch on youtube). all this childhood trauma and mental illness made me crave for sweet relief. but nothing really made sense until law of assumption. i thought that that would be it yk. i thought i was done searching but i think that was when i was searching for things the most. i do know i have it in my 4d, when will i see it? i thought i would get all my desires but did not meet success. and then the non dualism trend began and i hopped onto it like pretty much everyone else. i was bewildered at the stuff teachers kept saying. what do you mean everything's an illusion? there's no way that's true. my very real surroundings are causing me VERY real pain and suffering. oh no no there must be a deeper meaning behind all this. and so i read all the books in 4dbarbies drive, but nothing clicked. yes it made sense intellectually, but i didnt want to believe it bc where is the materialisation satisfaction here? also i felt none of the euphoria that was supposed to come with self realisation. which means i must not be a realised being. and then i cried and cried and cried, isolated myself, literally stopped going to school and just lay in bed all day. but ofc, i continued to read the tumblr posts like i had been doing for the past several years. and yesterday i read 4dkelly's post about giving up. it made sense. by the time i had finished reading the post i had truly given up on everything. on wanting, hoping, fearing, striving etc etc. i was SO tired. so i gave up. fell asleep. i woke up really late as usual and missed the school bus. i ate breakfast in silence, switched the tv on and lied down on the couch like always. and like always out of compulsion and force of habit i reached for my phone and looked up non dualism on twitter. and then i came across a tweet that said a simple sentence only- "nothing is ever actually happening." woah. that kinda drove me to the edge of the cliff i desperately wanted to jump off. i turned on some dnb background music and turned the shower on. i stood under the boiling hot water like some dramatic bitch and started piecing together the "puzzle". it all made so much sense now. i got out of the shower and left the house for the first time in months with a cute outfit and makeup on and everything. i went to the mall, bought candles, stickers, eye masks, coffee, and a doughnut with absolutely no social anxiety at all. i sat by window, read some poetry on my e-reader, cried, peered down at the floor below me and cried some more at the sight of little kids sitting on santa's lap and taking pictures and marveled at all the christmas decorations around me. it was insane. i decided i was going to be neutral towards everything but im in love. maddeningly so. in love with this dream that i thought did not love me back. but love is all there is. I AM ALL THERE IS. and i need you to take this literally. there is nothing happening. there is nothing here except you. nothing to fear, nothing to desire. ik a lot of people are going to dismiss this post because it's not a "materialisation success story" but i honestly dont think i can ever want anything physically bc in all its true essence, what is there to materialise? i am already whole and complete. i am lying on this cold hard floor, but i have never felt warmer. also ik there may be a lot of things ive written you might not agree with but again, this is NOT REAL. I AM. i hope this post helps you.

thank you to all the blogs ive come across and all the pointers they have shared: @se1f @realisophie @itgomyway @4dkellysworld @4dbarbie-backup @infiniteko @iamthat-iam and many more i cannot thank enough.

lots and lots of love (more than you can ever imagine), and good luck.

[theflyindutchwoman]

Hey! How are you holding up? Just finished the episode and I haven't really recovered. I am sad, I am frustrated, I don't really know what's happening? I thought they were mature and Tim is so dumb right now, I can't even.

And Lucy? I can't even start to imagine what she's going through. She has been so badass for the 5 seasons and this season she just gets fail after fail and loss after loss and doesn't even get a good job storyline.

So sorry I didn't reply sooner but I first wanted to take a little step back in order to fully digest the episode. As much as the waiting is killing me, I actually appreciate the hiatus for that. I imagine your feelings may have changed a bit as well since then… or that was the impression I got from our different conversations here and there. How are you feeling now? A bit better or still frustrated?

I'm going to start with Lucy. I was rewatching the beginning of season 5 and this is hitting even harder now. Not because of the pining era. But because the narrative was already showing her isolation back then. I couldn't quite put my finger on why her storyline in season 6 felt so familiar but now I get it. This is merely the continuation.

As we all noticed, the scene of Tim breaking up with her had a very similar vibe to the one at the end of 5.02. But think back of when she went to Nyla for advice about going to UC school, when she was trying to confide to Aaron who was too caught up in his own drama to hear her… or when she spent hours locked in a freezer because no one realised she was missing - besides Tim, that is. And then, there was the whole Rosalind thing where Lucy had to push through her own trauma to help Chris deal with his and help Bailey stay calm. But no one ever took the time to ask her how she was doing with all of this (on screen). They all had good reasons, by the way, this isn't me trying to paint them as the bad guys. But this still has an eerie similarity to what is happening right now. Only there has been no payoff for any of this. Yet. It didn't seem to go anywhere. Until now. Same with her career : she nailed UC Academy, something that was supposed to help her standout come promotion time… She helped the FBI on a raid, she was asked to be the acting Watch Commander, she was told that the whole station had her back… And yet, none of this paid off either. Yet. So this is a great opportunity to finally connect all the dots that have been dropped for the past two seasons and give Lucy the amazing arc she deserves. I sincerely hope this will be the case.

As for Tim… Look, the reason why I didn't want a breakup (besides the fact that I dislike this trope so much), is that I was afraid that it would cheapen the whole "worth the effort / worth the risk" speech. You can't say that and leave at the first difficulty without downplaying the whole story. So I'm glad that the writers were able to find a way to circumvent that issue by showing Tim completely unravelling. Because this isn't about him thinking Lucy is not worth the effort or the risk… This is about him thinking HE is not worthy of her. And that changes everything. For me, at least. I still get the frustration. I still wish this storyline would have been done with them sticking together and trying to work through it. But I can understand his perspective, why he thought this would be better for her. And I can see how that could make them stronger in the end. So, just like with Lucy, I hope Tim's arc will be treated properly and carefully. I need to see the payoff, the progress… I need to see them heal. Separately and then, together. It's always hard to see where a story is going when it is still unfolding… But for now, I choose to remain optimistic and hopeful. Does that help you even a tiny bit?

[delyth88]

Loki - season 2, episode 6 series finale -immediate reaction

Okay, so this time I’m gonna have to split this into two posts.  This one is my reaction after just watching the finale, but this time it’s going to be mostly my emotional response, and the more considered post with images will have to wait till later.  I don’t have the heart for it right now.

So yeah, spoilers ahead.

Well that tore out my heart and stamped on it!

I mean it was an utterly perfect story for a character like Loki, but I’m still devastated. I love it. And I hate it.

I love it on a story level.  The whole season was beautifully done! Loki developed so much over the six episodes, and really won my heart back. I fell in love with the gang from the TVA, particularly OB and Mobius, and I warmed to Sylvie and just wanted her to be able to live the quiet life she’s wanted for so long.

I loved that they really went into the depth I had assumed I’d only get in a fic about the different attempts Loki made to fix things by going back in time. They didn’t just gloss over things, they really showed him trying.  I was shocked when after he asked OB how long it would take him to learn everything, he went and spent CENTURIES doing it!  My stomach dropped.  Because can you imagine what that means for someone?  Even someone as long lived as Loki?  What that has to do to your mind? And that should have been the first clue things weren’t going to turn up roses.

Then he finally succeeds! But they don’t show it to us like we’re experiencing that moment, but more as though we’re an observer, rushing through it because it’s yet another repeat. And for one brief moment Loki is happy because he thinks they’ve done it. But no, it turns out to have been an impossible task!

And then he finds out that HWR basically gave him his newfound powers, and that he still had a lot to learn, and then we see THAT HE ALREADY HAD LEARNED! The way they kept dropping the sense of time on us, that sense of dread and urgency. And inevitability. *shivers*

How he tries, and tries, and tries to convince Sylvie, but can’t get through to her, and how he has to contemplate whether he’s the sort of man who could kill her. I loved how he visited Mobius to ask for his advice. My god. What a horrible conversation to have to have.  But what trust he places in Mobius! 

And I loved how he kept refusing to take the easy path. How he decided he couldn’t kill Sylvie, and how he realised there was another way. But OMG at what price!? I can’t….

But I hated how much this hurt Loki, what this took from him.  When the gold from the rock trickles upwards to create a mockery of a throne, which is more a prison… just…. 😭 The look on his face once he knows what he has to do. He had to make the impossible choice, and he chose the impossible.

I love that it kept the tone of tragedy that has haunted Loki all through the MCU.  I love how they were true to his character in that way, but AT THE SAME TIME allowed him to retain his new sense of self, all that growth we’ve shared through this series but also the change that he’s experienced while he’s been isolated during centuries trying to find a way to defeat HWR and keep the people on the branched timelines safe. His desperate act to do the right thing.  And finally it is the right thing in the eyes of the universe and the audience, and yet he still loses. My heart just can’t bear it!

It’s perfect and it hurts.

Tagging @woodelf68 @pinkpondofasgard @projectprotectloki @scintillatingshortgirl19 @juliabohemian @galaxythreads @makerofrunevests @ladyofthestayingpower @thelightofthingshopedfor @sparklegemstone @iamanartichoke

[nanomooselet]

Episode Nine: Millions Knives

Knives is firmly among my favourite characters. Adore him, fascinated by him, need to hit him over the head with a baseball bat.

The thing about Knives is that he lies constantly. I think he's so used to lying that he's come to believe himself truthful and sincere. To be fair to him, his emotions are very sincerely felt - I think they rattle his teeth, actually - but I don't think he understands them, even in hindsight. I don't think he understands the emotions or responses of others, either. They make no intuitive sense to him. So he rationalises reactions he doesn't expect as weakness, error or corruption to avoid admitting to himself where the problem might lie, and considers them only on those terms. Which must be terribly, terribly isolating, and it means he also lies to himself.

I suppose it's not a secret that I see a lot of myself in Vash - the guilt, the distance, the way he exaggerates his reactions around others - but there's a little bit of Knives there too. Enough that I feel sympathy. But I also recognise parts of him that aren't in me at all; they were a sickness I didn't realise I had, or the voices of people I wish had known better.

So my feelings about him are complicated, to put it mildly. I remember after watching the finale I had simultaneous urges to wrap him in a blanket and beat him to death with a tire iron, and that hasn't really changed. It's a difficult state of mind.

He's a great character.

Such a sweet, sad scene from a character we saw being so vicious. The notes begin slow, faltering - loneliness, hesitation. Perhaps even regret? And then Vash enters in his memory and adds his voice, and while it's still a little awkward, the notes themselves seem to smile along with him. Knives has learned over time to play the song himself, but it's still incomplete without Vash. The room is ridiculously huge, which makes Knives in the centre even tinier and lonelier than he'd otherwise be; the distance of the long-shot also conceals that he sits just a little further to the right than he needs to, so the realisation is slow. There's a lot of empty space. It looks like the room is unfurnished besides the piano and bench, with some random debris scattered around. How long has he been staying here? How long has he sat on that bench, trying to fill all that emptiness? Around him, beneath him, humans do human things and he is indifferent. He permits it only because soon none of it will matter.

I have to wonder what it is that Conrad got for Knives that made Knives look so pleased. Can't help but consider it ominous.

Also, Luida wasn't the only member of the SEEDs crew to pass on a haircut.

They have very similar clothes, too. That must have been an interesting shopping trip.

I spent literal hours combing through all my references trying to figure out if that was SEEDs Ship Five the city was built in, and I don't think so - Ship Five had human passengers and July was built in a Plant carrier. (So much for "I made sure the Plant ships would survive.") So at least we're spared the twist of the knife (sigh) it would have been to know somewhere in among all these withered Plants might be the twins' birth mother or the one who greeted them with Rem - but Jesus V. Saverem Christ, that doesn't make it better.

Knives, y'know - I do get why you killed those men. I really do. Humans are not innocent of this horror. Humans are not angels. Humans are survivors. We're also unfortunately greedy, short-sighted and brutally indifferent to those we don't perceive as part of the ingroup, especially when desperate. Even if you're willing to overlook this callous, casual abuse of living beings - and I wouldn't be - this is a recklessly unsustainable approach. Almost like a decision one might make in panic out of misfiring instinctive urge to seek safety? Not that I'm implying anything about your decisions.

And so when he sees Vash Knives immediately blames all of humanity when Knives bears at least a portion of the blame himself. There would always be casualties in such wide-scale destruction, even among those he intended to spare. Nor did he seem to do anything to protect the Plants aboard the crashed ship (likely because it would require relying on more humans), though it's obvious they would be vulnerable. But there's no way he can take responsibility for the deaths of his own kind on top of everything else he's done... though truly we're also our own worst advocates.

I'm sure they were happy to be useful.

Maybe Knives should have thanked the technician who said that to him before his death, because what he said made Knives so very angry. Anger, for Knives, is strength, and strength is certainty. A frightened little boy is sorry that he killed his mother and drove his brother away. A frightened little boy couldn't do this. Vash is frightened, of course. Clinging to Rem's skirts, a coward still, years later. Totally lacking conviction. But Knives thought of this. He knows how to work with that too.

Interesting that when Vash felt unworthy of the people of Home, he took off the coat they gave him to give it back. Knives, though, he snatches the gift he gave Vash straight out of his hands. If he's learned to play a duet alone he doesn't need Vash to do this either. He doesn't need Vash. It'd just be nice! You know. Not to have to rely on himself all the time!

His stupid little face and its utter bafflement. Where is this coming from? Vash isn't like this! I don’t remember it being like this! What could possibly have changed?

Knives intended to keep his calm throughout this confrontation. You can watch him visibly gather himself when he notices Vash enter; take a deep breath, push his hood back - it's why he went from kneeling to standing. It's like he can't be vulnerable, or even ask for comfort, but I swear if he'd just asked Vash for a hug instead of stabbing people the series would have ended there. Instead he tips further and further over the edge, refusing to reach out for help on terms other than the ones in his head, which he refuses to explain. And the moment a variable he can't control enters the situation, his first and only reaction is to violently remove it.

(Poor Luida must have no idea what the hell is going on. Although I bet this reunion explained a lot with hindsight.)

Why do you point that gun at me? Even though I saved you?

That's really the question Knives needs to consider the answer to himself, and he's not going to. Instead he imposes a time limit (and I'm starting to think when it ran out, that was when the Eye of Michael got into gear, so it's been around for approx. forty-five years) and runs off to cry in his piano room as though Vash is the one who needs a time-out.

Well.

He does, at that.

There's so much hope in what follows. Compared to Knives's vast hollow space, Vash's little room is so full of warmth and acceptance. He has people who love him and even a solution to the ongoing crisis, albeit an imperfect one - but he has something, he's not just flailing around until the day he catches one too many bullets. He has a goal in healing the Plants and helping people, and he has people who support him in it. And sure, he faces scepticism. Not to mention the parameters he's put on himself (I'll never kill, ever again... I'll figure out a way to save everyone. The humans, Plants... and Nai) which are Dark Souls times Atlus superboss impossible. But even Brad, who once called him a monster, thinks he's in with a chance.

I truly wish I found that more comforting than I did.

[bipitybopitydoo]

How Ravi Panikkar from 9-1-1 is autistic coded

im actually autistic btw and also dont like, dont read <3

lack of talking - in most episodes he goes a while without talking, just reacting with his face. (could be cause he’s not a main but shh) he tends to use a lot more non-verbal communication (gestures, faces etc) than he does verbal

fidgets/distracted easily - the gurney, 6x14 he fidgets a lot, and most episodes he’s just mindlessly fidgeting. from the jaw movement, the arm touches, tapping on the bags, he’s rarely still. he also tends to get distracted easily

eye contact - he doesn’t make a lot of eye contact and when he does it looks forced, plus it’s quick and it’s fleeting. doesn’t last long. especially if the topic is deep, he won’t make it at all

struggles with morals - the pier. autistic individuals feel their morals a lot more intense and it can be hard to distance from that. hence why the pier got to him so badly, because it fucked with his morals for life and firefighting and he didn’t know how to separate them

rough social skills - you can tell he feels that struggle to fit in, he would (still does at times) gets excited when one of the 118 actually talks to him, says the wrong things at the wrong times, alone a lot, potentially no friends outside of work (treasure hunt)

saying the wrong things at the wrong times/that come across as rude - “i did say that was a bad idea” - “that’s kind of basic” - the comment about the mirror in 5x5 - inappropriate comments about his buildings (ewew) - “i don’t expect much” - “i don’t really know these people”

“that’s kind of basic” followed by buck/eddies reaction “what he really means” - it insinuates they’ve had to do this before, jump in and clarify what ravi means because too him the comment made perfect sense, even when rude (you can also see he doesn’t understand why it’s wrong)

anxiety - he’s a very anxious character, esp in s5 but even then in s6, his confidence is a mask to hide that anxiety he’s feeling, you can see it in his eyes. he does a lot of second guessing and overthinking - anxiety is commonly seen with asd

alone/self isolation - he does a lot of things alone. the treasure hunt, on shift he’s alone a lot, just seems to really be fine just to be with himself. he also isolates himself when times get hard (buck in 5x5, the pier incident)

intelligence - he thinks outside the box, coming up with different smarter ways. getting coffee with a mobile order, finding the treasure first, realising they need co2 etc. he’s always thinking and figuring out things first - knowing random facts (phantosmia comment)

watching faces - he’s constantly looking at how the others are reacting so he knows what the appropriate response would be - when they’re inside the restaurant he’s the last to react to the guy screaming up; he’s watching buck’s face and seeing how he reacts first

following instructions - if there’s more than two steps it’s harder for him to do it and especially right, this is very clear in 5x5 like with the gurney, with the retirement fire. he preformed better when it was just one step at a time (ravi your with hen, ravi go get him etc)

stating the obvious - the whole drain pipes are only three inches so a person can’t be in it, it’s common sense yet he stated it because to him it feels like the right information to add - he does it a few other times as well, stating things people already know

[series-thoughts]

Defending Junior Wheeler because I can.

So first of all, I'm not excusing his problematic behaviours, how he treated Jake, etc. That was wrong. I'm merely giving my viewpoint on what Junior was going through and how that affected him.

Even just looking back at the dinner scene in episode one, you can start to see why Junior is upset at Jake, even if it isn't his fault and should be directed at Logan. Logan defending and encouraging Jake about how him being gay is a non issue and asking him about his sculpture is one of the many things he did to hurt Junior. Even if he may not have realised that part. Junior watched that encouragement from his father knowing full well that if it was him, his father wouldn't have approved and would have actively been mad at him for it.

Speaking from experience, witnessing that kind of difference in treatment between you and another family member and knowing how it would not be okay if it was the other way round, it really fucking hurts. Junior was feeling so incredibly pressured and alone due to this. Not to mention how isolated he felt would have only gotten worse when Jake came to live with them, and he lost Bree. Over time, witnessing that difference in treatment just makes someone feel so damn worthless and in a way that they don't know how to explain this to someone without feeling that they are a disappointment or being ungrateful.

As Junior said in episode 8, he was mainly afraid and didn't know how to deal with that or communicate how he felt to others because of it. He didn't hate Jake. He hated the difference in their treatment. When Lexy bullied Jake, he tried to speak up about it to Lexy and she would get mad at him or ridicule him for communicating his feelings which he clearly struggled to do anyway. He was genuinely bothered by what Lexy did at the party and confronted her, asking her to apologise to Jake. That wasn't something he was told to do. He did it himself. Unlike Lexy at that time, who even after being asked was still very reluctant and continued to treat Jake badly. I just felt the need to point that out since I noticed that a lot of people who criticise Junior seem to love Lexy despite her past actions.

[sarcastic-sketches]

Intervention AU

Roll out the carpet, it's another one lads and buckle up because this ones long. I've had several mini AUs that I've kind of just compiled all into one but I just really want to explore a narrative where Anakin gets a chance to sort his shit out and work towards fixing his issues. Because man do I love untangling characters inner conflict and having them get help so that they can overcome their own hurdles. An Intervention AU, if you will, before he truly flips his lid.

First, the concept that Anakin Skywalker is not entirely human - he's half Force - is fascinating. Because yeah, with the confirmation that he is the Chosen One, plus the Mortis Arc, it seems obvious that the Force made him. It borrowed a likeness from Shmi and then filled in the gaps (so he's technically a clone of his mother with some Force poked mutations here and there - I’ve read fics along those lines and they are top tier imho). But the Force is well, a cosmic power and can't really integrate into a human body all too well. The human half just wants to belong and be loved and to love. The Force half does not know how to express such messy human emotions in a way that doesn't resemble a flood.

But a flood can be managed when it's diverted into many rivers and streams, rather than being solely focused through only a few. To be clear, this is not a ‘attachments are fine actually’ take, this is a ‘get more friends so you loosen your grip on the ones you currently have’ angle. He learns to let go of the few people he loves because he has so many other people in his life to turn to. He will never be truly alone or abandoned, which is his fear ultimately, and they in turn help him realise that the only person who can convince him that he is enough is himself. Basically, dear god get it through Anakin's thick skull that the Jedi are communally raised so they spread their affections over multiple people and yes that is allowed. He’s just more used to a nuclear family model because thats all he had growing up. Him and his mother.

Love doesn't just have to be romantic and having a wider support network would also mean that Palpatine can no longer keep Anakin isolated. His grip on the Chosen One lessens as he finds other people to trust and confide in. It would also mean more eyes and ears to notice when he suddenly has a 180 in attitude after speaking with the Chancellor.

Also him being half-force I want to play with the idea that 'let your feelings pass through you’ doesn’t really work when he feels so much. All amplified by his Force connection. He can’t just let them go, so he has to work on the source of those feeling of inadequecy and ‘never having enough’ to make sure they don’t spawn in the first place.

This all started after watching TCW Clovis Arc 2.0 where Anakin’s possessiveness goes up from like a 5 to a 10 in one episode and I couldn’t help but think that it was a bit extreme from what we knew of his character up to that point in TCW and from the films. Or it's highlighting how badly Anakin is starting to lose that battle with himself. But Padme saying “I don’t know who's in there any more” had me going ‘right, time to use this as a wake up call’.

The Clovis Incident happens earlier in this AU (just after The Wrong Jedi - let me save Fives hot damn). Padme, actually seeing Anakin's rage first hand, notices how abrupt and strong the change is and makes some observations. Since the last time he entered Beserk Mode TM was also in response to someone he loved being harmed, she reasons that's the linking factor. I imagine her logic basically going; ok, so he goes afk due to anger/stress, he got angry because Clovis was too close to me, he’s stressed that he’ll lose me as I’m all he has now… He needs more people in his life! A+ logic there Padme. Because at this point? She kind of is all he has, besides Palpatine (which is the problem in of itself) - Ahsoka left, his trust in Obi-Wan is damaged (Hardeen arc), and Rex is his Captain so theres a power issue there.

Thats a lot of emotional energy for one relationship. She can also lay down the facts that the issue wasn't necessarily punching Clovis in the face (lmao he deserved that) but that Anakin didn't listen to her. THATS my main beef here honestly, Padme was far too passive by the end of that arc and I ain't about that. So she absolutely spells that out for him because she knows damn well his idea of expressing he cares is fucked from growing up in slavery and then being handed over to a bunch of monks (-Deep inhale- boi) but he needs to understand that isn’t how it’s done.

So she pushes him to actually speak with other people and maybe connect more with his fellow Jedi. Since he sees them more often anyway. They all seem very nice to her when she has spoken with them, she’s sure it’s just a misunderstanding between them all for how he feels.

This allows Anakin to really dig into what the Order considers attachment (it’s not having relationships that’s the problem, it’s possessive love - based on the concept that such ‘attachments’ prevent people from passing on into the afterlife). This misunderstanding has 100% come from his background because slaves were not allowed to have anything, except the bonds they made between themselves. Anakin views his relationships as things he owns, things he must protect and cherish before they are taken from him, because that’s all he was ever ‘allowed’ to have. He eventually gets to realise that the Order dissuades Jedi from having spouses/romantic partners because potentially having them in a position where they must carry out their duty over the safety of their spouse/partner is just cruel. They understand that facing such a dilemma would break a person and it is simply kinder to just avoid the possibility altogether. ‘It’s a peaceful life’.

Cue Anakin arguing that he would feel just the same having to let a platonic relationship go too which sparks off another 2 hour debate...

Anakin gradually reaching out to other Jedi more and more, starting off with who he thinks would be the easier ones, like Plo Koon, Kit Fisto, Aayla, even Yoda oddly enough (Troll asks him to break him out of the med bay later in TCW and Anakin was instantly on board with such a thing. That’s hysterical). I think he’d eventually try with Luminara too, given the whole debacle of the Wrong Jedi involved their padawans, but that takes a bit of time. And, wouldn’t ya know, he realises that they don’t resent him, they’re not even remotely afraid of him or trying to suppress his abilities, and they’re perfectly happy to talk to him even when off the battlefield etc (Palpatines words are already starting to hold less water now that Anakins starting to get his own proof - I could go on about my ADHD headcanons but that’s a given I feel at this point). He starts to trust them. Not just trust that’s given to Jedi as default, to an ideal, but personal trust.

They start to swap battle tactics, ask each other for advice on certain scenarios or get second opinions. Then they start swapping stories about their troops and these idiots have been waiting for the opportunity to gush about how their Legions are the best. The ship nose art is a particular point of pride (That Plo wins btw). Pride is unbecoming of a Jedi but they’re proud OF their troops so it doesn’t count.

Given how much more often they all now talk to each other, they are able to slowly open Anakin's eyes to the fact that Palpatine is suspect af. 

Aayla: he asked to meet you, alone, when you were how old? Anakin: about eleven, or twelve maybe? After I had settled into the Temple for a couple of years. Plo: and he took you where? Anakin: to the lower levels, he showed me a bar- Kit: [holding a hand up] I'm going to stop you there Aayla: [patting Anakin's shoulder] My guy, that's not normal. Plo: Nor is it appropriate Anakin: oh... I'm sure he didn't mean anything bad by it? He just wanted to show the good he can do when his hands are tied by the Senate Plo: The Senate he governs... Aayla: You were twelve.

They tell him to tell Obi-Wan.

It's a bit more of an up hill battle because Anakin's trust in Obi-Wan is still a little frazzled (never let it be said he's not a hypocrite about keeping certain truths) but he grudingly relays some of the conversations he's had with the Chancellor to him because of the comments the others have made. To his surprise, Obi-Wan looks distraught when he realises what Palpatine has been insinuating and he vows to never let him be alone with that man ever again. Obi-Wan always strived to allow Anakin to make his own choices once he became a knight, but this stems from decisions when he was a minor. Anakin thinks everyone is being very dramatic about this - pot meet kettle - and doesn't know what the harm is. This just makes people worry more - they are suddenly all keenly aware of what the Chancellor has been trying to do, even if Anakin hasn’t clocked it himself yet. But he is secretly (or not so secretly when you broadcast your emotions in the Force like a fog horn) pleased by Obi-Wans reaction. See? He does care. He’s just a little reserved about showing it because surprise, he’s also a little insecure Anakin, go fucking figure.  

He does also allow himself to bond more with his troops and they all have a meeting where he lays down some ground rules:. 

All of this just so he can relax with his men and actually be their friend when they're not suffering on the frontlines together. The clones are surprised but ecstatic about this development and waste no time at all bragging about how they have the best Jedi in the GAR. Wolffe, Monnk, and Bly have some things to say about this. Cody wisely keeps his mouth shut.

1) Off of the battlefield they are all equal, no ranks apply (besides medics, thank you Kix) and if anyone is uncomfy with that they can leave (nobody does) 2) He leads them all with the best of intentions but following Umbara he doesn't want any of them to feel like they can't call him out for being a twat (Rex does it just fine and he's still his SIC) 3) If anyone has any concerns or questions he wants them to feel safe enough to speak up about it, either tell him or Rex if it’s a vode issue specifically.

Given this turn of events when comes the time for Fives to seek out Rex and his General they hear him out and Anakin stops the blaster bolt Fox fires from hitting Fives. He’s stunned that one of his men would try to attack the Chancellor but he knows there has to be a reason, he wants to know why damnit. Also heeey has Fives been drugged?

They all get the low down on the chips and Anakin is now fuming. Bit too close to slave-chips. He's pleasantly surprised to find that Shaak Ti is also upset by what she has learned and with his prompting (and Fives looking utterly traumatised) shoves back at the Kaminoans hard. 

They find the list of Orders. It's not pretty. 

Anakin has his breakdown way earlier than Sheev intended and far out of his reach. Instead he is comforted by Shaak Ti (who quite frankly was probably counting the days until Skywalker crumpled) and a bunch of Clones who are similarly suffering from this discovery. Watching a Jedi break probably has most of them reshuffling a few pre-conceptions they had.

Anakin doesn't get sent to spy on the Chancellor and when he tries to buy Anakin's favour back by giving him a seat on the Council, Anakin refuses it and immediately dobs him in with the Jedi Masters. This time, they cotton on to Palpatine's intentions with Anakin and have him accompany Ahsoka on Mandalore. Far, far away. He doesn’t fight the decision, in fact he is rather relieved to be out of the man's reach. Plus, he now gets to fight alongside Ahsoka again so win-win.

Speaking of Ahsoka, even though she left the Order, Padme argues that this doesn't mean that she and Anakin can't still talk to each other. So he calls her and reminds her that he's there for her. Doesn't try to make her come back - though he makes it clear he would be very happy to take her back if she did choose to - and even though she said she wanted to go at it alone, she shouldn't forget that she does still have people she can turn to if things get lonely or hard. He had to be reminded of this so now he’s reminding her.

Just let this man truly understand the risks of what loving people as a Jedi means, learn how to do so in a way thats healthy for everyone involved, and allow himself to be extremely over the top about it much to everyone's surprise.

Ahsoka: I'll think about it Anakin: Sure thing. Anything. Anytime. Ahsoka: ... it is nice to hear from you though Anakin: !!

Ft. Padme being incredibly pleased with herself in the background.

[denimbex1986]

'The second of Doctor Who’s 60th anniversary specials has arrived, delivered in almost total secrecy that did a lot to stoke fan speculation and theories. Not only were shots from this episode conspicuously few and far-between in the promotional material, no advance copies were made available to the press, which is why you might be reading this slightly later than normal.

Honestly, I’m still not sure what all the fuss was about. The need for secrecy, I mean. The fandom was absolutely stoked, of course, theorising and piecing together the words-not-spoken to create the expectation of a multi-Doctor, madcap romp befitting a 60th Anniversary Special. Get out of here, “The Day of the Doctor!” Fie on your lack of CGI Eccleston! This is clearly set aboard the Memory-TARDIS!

That… was not a thing that happened tonight. But before we get to that, it’s only right and proper to talk about the things this episode actually did accomplish, and there are quite a few of them.

Far from being a romp of multiple Doctors, companions, villains or anything else, this story was as close to a two-hander as we’ve had in a good long while. Perhaps Scott Handcock (welcome!) is already showing his Big Finish pedigree, since he served as script editor there for many years, but despite the truly lavish sets (and… well we’ll get to the VFX) this is very much a tale exploring how the Doctor and Donna relate to one another, in isolation, during their post ‘Doctor-Donna’ entanglement.

Let’s rewind a bit. The Isaac Newton pre-title sequence is cute, lifted slightly by the fact they change history and then keep saying “mavity” for the rest of the episode. (It’ll throw off every “Where to start with Doctor Who” video if that quirk sticks for the next 60 years.) Next, the Doctor and Donna arrive – well, smash themselves into – something that’s probably a spaceship, and an entity is clearly watching them while an emotionless, computerised voice says… “Fenslaw.” Fenslore? Trenzalore? Coleslaw? I dunno.

The TARDIS is gone, perhaps removed by the reactivation of its Hostile Activation Displacement System. (I could rant at length about the wisdom of this ‘feature’ even existing, but we’re on a ticking clock here. What is Den of Geek without its Doctor Who review?)

Whenever the voice speaks, the physical layout of the ship shifts. Panels turn, lights flicker, and it’s all a bit Event Horizon. This isn’t stopping the Doctor and Donna from summoning a tuk-tuk and heading down the Very Long Corridor, though, passing a Very Old Robot as they do until they get to the control room (for a life-form with a bum) and confirming that they are indeed on a spaceship. Not a starship, though, for there’s an astonishing lack of stars…

So. The tone of this episode, if we’re replaying the Tennant/Tate hits, is “Midnight”. It’s the unknowable, inscrutable aliens who function on blue-and-orange morality, and just like “Midnight”, they’re copycats. Unlike that episode, the fact that they can and will communicate, if only to predate and hasten their own agenda, somewhat robs them of their scary-factor.

This isn’t to suggest that there aren’t genuine chills to be had when we, gentle viewers, first realise that the Doctor and Donna aren’t really talking to one another as they start to fix the ship. But by the third-such encounter the conceit is starting to wear thin. You can only riff on “But only I would know, except then only YOU would know…” for so long.

The lengthy middle act is made up of a lot of this banter, and it’s a little too often that the imposters are revealed by weird, uncanny CGI arms or other distorted body parts, gangling, dangling and twisting in unnatural ways, rather than being found out through intellect. Sometimes the resultant transmogrification works, and sometimes (like when the fake-Doctor twists under his own torso and starts scuttling along like Zoidberg) there are chase scenes that harken back to “The Lazarus Experiment”, which was even in its time derided for being a bit visually crap. Giant tangled messes of Doctor/Donna parts with inflated features and Brobdingnagian grasping hands don’t help.

“Midnight” might have been right never to show us the monsters.

Lore-hounds will likely have sat bolt-upright and then been a bit saddened when Tennant’s usage of salt suggests that maybe, maybe this pair of nameless aliens are Vampires, the long-past enemy of the Time Lords, but this is not to be. And having discovered that the ship’s captain activated a very slow self-destruct (at the hands of the Very Old Robot) and with the nameless aliens inexorably as clued-in as our actual heroes, the race is on as to whether the teams will commandeer the ship, or destroy it and prevent the copycats’ threat from ever reaching our universe.

What really works in these final moments is the terror that the Doctor really did take the wrong Donna into the TARDIS before the ship exploded. Just for a moment, that feels like a sickening possibility. It’s also really undercut when we learn that he noticed a tiny, Sherlockian detail about Donna’s wrists that viewers would have been oblivious to, but then, that’s the Doctor for you. At least he didn’t lick her.

The TARDIS makes it back to Earth where – surprise AND delight! – we’re greeted by Bernard Cribbins, reprising his performance as Wilfred Mott in the one episode of this trilogy nobody predicted he’d show up in. It’s lovely to see him again, even if his role is a little expositional, and that’s us for this week.

I think the perception of this episode will change over time, once it’s divorced from hype and marketing and nestled in a long iPlayer/Disney+ list to be enjoyed in its turn. It is absolutely fine. There are some janky VFX (still Doctor Who, then) contrasting some glorious set design. Murray Gold’s score is stellar as always.

That said, I suspect the aggressive secrecy and resulting hype, which never quite got paid off, might salt the discourse – for this weekend, at least. But it’s understandable in hindsight! How can you show footage from a story that’s pretty much just two Doctors and two Donnas without spoiling the entire premise?

Even so, perhaps this particular outing might have been better served parked for Ncuti Gatwa and Millie Gibson, who could still have had genuine reason to distrust each other, trying to take the measure of their new travelling companion, rather than 15-years-long friends trying to catch one another out via trivia.

Viewed through the lens of a 60th Anniversary Special treated with over-the-top secrecy, this doesn’t quite work. It’s also too disconnected to form the middle act as a trilogy of ‘movies’, which is how Disney+ seems to be classifying them, if this is how we’re meant to be thinking of the Fourteenth Doctor’s arc. As a standalone story, I enjoyed it more, though it’s not likely to catapult itself into my top 10 thanks to a few too many variants on the central copycat dilemma...'

[hoobins]

O O F

Ok so I finally have some time to actually make the post I’ve been trying to make I had to make the impulse choice of coming back in the middle of the exams because I have no self control what so ever 

Strap in, it’s going to be a long-sh ride post

So yeah I am back here :D not even because of the twitter mess (but can’t lie that I am there as well), hi hi and hello kiddos So, where have I been?

As some of you may know I had a major burnout, meltdown and depressive episode, I literally shutted down for years because I couldn’t do anything, my drawings were terrible, my mind was worse, I was falling into downwards spirals, thankfully I didn’t do anything bad, but I was scared and worst of all I tought that the best way to deal with it was to isolate myself. 

And it helped, sorta, but not really, I wasn’t even talking to irl friends, barrely spoke to familiar faces, friendly people becuase I had this (and still am sorting this idea out) that I had to deal with all my problems alone, that I couldn’t rely on even talking to people about the stuff I was dealing with, because, well, bad habit I had most of my life. I was always pretty dumb when it came to that... Am trying to do better

In that time I didn’t drew, didn’t create anything at all, was scared to even take a pen and try and make a silly little doodle, too afraid I was going to go back and ... be happy? The brain is wierd when it comes to this.

This changed around a year ago, when I maneged to get out of the house, am now living in a new place away from my family, that, while aren’t bad people, they are pretty toxic to me, we are just too different in principle, I still talk to them and go visit on vacations, but even they know that my mental health is better when I am away, and that’s coming from parents that would NEVER admit that out loud (mother in special) I am still mostly closed off to them, but the space helped me, and I slowly was trying to take a step at the time, still afraid to hold a pencil and do what really makes me the happiest, still, I was at least trying to see stuff, trying to watch things I like, trying to dare a little more, but I was too closed off to those around me, never knowing what to do, say, interact, awkward but hey, I was never around people like me in real life, literally didn’t knew anyone.

Slowly but surely I was going to thing, having my fun again, working on AUs of fandoms, making ocs for said fandom, still too scared to drawing, but that was the first drop, still too scared to come back, too scared of making it official.

It was a small ride on that, maybe half a year, when things really happened was because of one small morbid thing that made me realise that I wanted to draw, and I took the step to that, scared but at that point, I had nothing to loose anymore, I was taking more risks with it, at the time I was talkig to a friend that also gave me the advice to be a little more reckless.

And so I did, and was a rush for me, to come back to everything, to remember the joy, I was overhelmed and then I kept going and well

I am here now, making stuff, and will post stuff right after too, because I missed this, I missed here and I missed being a part of me, even if it hurts again, is what I know I love to do, and to know that people still remember me and open their arms to welcome me back I just ... It’s unbelievable to me on a certain way, I can’t even begin to describe the joy that is to see you all and to be here again.

I hope things go well, I hope things go better, and I hope that I don’t leave this time, even if I am sad, angry, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, and every other emotion that comes with it.

Thank you all for everything and I can only hope I will do the same to you guys

[kierreras]

I just rewatched season 2 and it’s crazy because on first watch I remember thinking belly is actually pursuing Jeremiah but on second watch I have a totally different opinion. From episode 3 onwards he was essentially putting himself out there 100% always trying to speak to her and would make moves to show his intention. he was hesitant to start something but was also doing everything possible to send the message he wanted to start something at the same time. Super weird. He kept saying all season he didn’t want to get hurt but he still chose all season to interrupt or come between belly and Conrad up until the finale after belly and him had kissed, if it wasn’t for his interruptions all season there were some moments where belly and Conrad would have for sure figured things out etc the party store. I know he was vulnerable in the finale and was trying to make the right call for everyone but there is a big part of me that feels like he was doing it for his benefit. I really want to like jeremiah but he reminds me so much of Dawson from Dawson creek, the best friend that doesn’t allow them to be together and makes them feel guilty for loving each other, the certain smugness/ entitlement he has.

hey, sorry for the late reply! yeah, i think it was an intentional choice of jenny, but also jeremiah being present in many significant bellyconrad moments is a pattern. i can't say if it's intentional on his end, but it's a fact. starting from season one jeremiah is always an obstacle — the fireworks scene, the end of season one when conrad asks belly to deb ball, thanksgiving, not getting together for the couple of months. as for other thing, i think that jere's conflicting actions are an outcome of the inconsistent writing for this show. for example, jeremiah literally turned belly and then hours later he went "you don't have to hurt yourself to get my attention" (which is like the cringiest line ever). the inconsistency is showing with jere's character a lot, but also it can be blamed on unreliable narration cause when jere acted kind of noble (skye's dare for belly to kiss jeremiah, saying that all he ever wanted was for conrad and belly to be happy) are shown from his point of view or from no one's cause belly is not present in those scenes. so maybe it's a part of that unreliable narration story. but i understand what you're referring to, those scenes are conflicting for me as well. and as for finale, i will stand by my previous take and say that jeremiah acting decent in the finale was his way of doing a potential damage control. he's not stupid, he realised that no matter what happens he's going to either lose belly or lose his brother, so he tries to lessen the damage. at the end of the day, i believe that he does love both conrad and belly, he's not a villain. also, i think that belly and conrad are not good for each other right now, even if jeremiah was completely out of the picture and they were able to make up and talk things out, they would eventually hurt each other because of the mental state they were both in. i don't think that belly should be in relationship in the end of season two, the same goes for jeremiah and conrad. they all are traumatised and they all are grieving, so for conrad to actually be the only one who can properly deal with his grief by isolating himself is kind of a win.

[walkingstackofbooks]

SNW 2x04 Among the Lotus Eaters thought-stream

[7 July '23]

You know it's gonna be good when the entire crew are featured in the recap! :D

I love to pieces that Pike is Always Cooking!

"Unless it's a red alert, I'm incommunicado for the next half hour." Allowing so little time, that's being pretty savvy

"Maybe we should pull it back a little." "Your timing is perfect." Yeah, Pike, so you think she really wants to be broken up with /just after she doesn't get a promotion?? Ouch

Erica nodding at "This is an undercover recon mission" - I can just imagine her saying groovy idk why XD

"Oh. You did that thing you do." Yep, Una sees through him straight away

I looove how excited Erica is

Oh nooo! You can't bench her! That's so unfair! She's got the hat and everything!

"I'm fine. Doctors love being tasked for a mission because of their combat skills." Oh, M'Benga.

Oooh that ringing is horrible

La'an, noo, it's not just a headache, you know better than to hide something that's wrong! There's only three of you!S

urely having a way to beam back to the shuttle would be worth the risk?

"We know you come from Starfleet." WELP this isn't going to be easy to get out of then!

"It's High Lord Zacarias.... I'm a long way from yeoman." Gosh I already love this guy as a villain but boy why do I feel this is going to be a tough episode?

"Haven't you noticed how hard it is to think?" Aghhhhh

"Reason doesn't exist here. You'll learn that." Wow.

Yes, we're back on the bridge - will Erica get to save the day after all?! (Moretegas, moretegas, moretegas)

"As long as it stays isolated to Uhura, we should be able to manage it." "Bridge to sickbay" Yeah, no, it's not gonna be that easy, Christine. Aaaand I'm terrified for what happens when the radiation gets to you.

Some random person is really risking themselves to say "Wait" to the guard? That's lovely.

This is a terrifying setup. Perfect for a tyrant to take control.

"You are guided by your emotions. They are your truth. I find them convincing." :3

"What is this place?" Oh no! Oh no! You can't forget the Enterprise!

"I believe the answer is here, but I cannot read this." fuuuuu-

Ohh is Erica gonna find her log from the start??

M'Benga is wild good even without serum, what!

"I'm Erica Ortegas. I fly the ship." Powerful

You'd have thought someone would have thought to get the computer to keep sending out reminders earlier?

Oh no! Pike could kill Zac and he wouldn't even know until after who he killed!

...Or suddenly his memory will come back and he'll freeze as he realises what he's doing?

That's all stuff Erica's done hundreds of times?? Who even is she? Majestic. We stan

"It figures you'd start a revolution." *manic laughter*

Oh jeez, Pike is gonna be so upset with himself after this

Why would Zac taunt Pike so much if he doesn't want to die?

"I don't blame Spock. He's still got a lot to learn." HAH

"Your logic... Feels sound to me." that switch in logic v feeling <3 <3

"There are only a handful of people in the galaxy who get what it is to be a Starfleet Captain." I get that, but that's not really a basis for a whole relationship...

Pike in this really has felt emotionally like the Pike in the pilot episode, when he talks to Boyce, idk? (Mind, I haven't watched that in a good while so might be off)

[tapedecking]

MIXTAPE #1 (25/07/22)

The Universal - Blur

Album: The Great Escape

Year: 1995

Track: Single (Post-Release: 1995)

The song everyone in the UK probably only associates with the British Gas adverts. The Great Escape was one of two albums I listened to on the 24 hour flight to Australia - I would have listened to more, but without something to look at besides the darkened inside of a cabin, I think I would have descended into madness. It seemed like a natural going-on-holiday album, and like most Blur albums, it’s consistently pleasant and harmless, but this track stands head and shoulders above the rest of the album to me - it’s so carefree and positive and to me, it is a perfect holiday track.

-

We Go On - The Avalanches

Album: The Great Escape

Year: 2020

Track: Single (Post-Release: 2021)

We Will Always Love You was the second album I listened to en route to Australia, because hey! It’s The Avalanches, one of the most notable Australian musical acts outside of Men at Work! It was a great album, and very fun thanks to its eclectic range of guest stars. For example, this track - the track that was most stuck in my head after the flight - features California disco artist Cola Boyy, as well as Mick Jones, guitarist for The Clash. After arriving in Australia, I also managed to come across a limited edition electric blue coloured vinyl release in the clearance section of a JB Hi-Fi - I would have picked it up, but I didn’t believe it would survive the journey home.

-

Nightclubbing - Iggy Pop

Album: The Idiot

Year: 1977

Track: Album Track

Jet-lagged and not yet adjusted to Australian time zones, I listened to this album whilst doing a 1000-piece jigsaw at 5am when I couldn’t sleep one night. Seeing as I had already listened to the other 1977 album released by Iggy Pop and produced by David Bowie - Lust For Life, I figured I’d complete the set. This track was the standout, but I had heard it before, in the Westworld episode “Genre”. In the episode, Aaron Paul’s character, Caleb, takes the titular genre drug and begins seeing life through the lense of various - get this - film genres. One such film lens features Nightclubbing as a soundtrack, in reference to the film Trainspotting. Like much of Westworld, the genre drug was a fascinating idea that was completely half-arsed and pissed away by the consistently disappointing series.

-

Strange Overtones - David Byrne & Brian Eno

Album: Everything That Happens Will Happen Today

Year: 2008

Track: Single (Pre-Release: 2008)

I love finding works - albums, singles, compilation contributions, whatever - from popular artists I like, that are a bit lesser known. When it comes to David Byrne, everyone knows Talking Heads, especially ‘77 and Remain In Light, but less people know about this 2008 collaboration with Brian Eno. After finding the album flicking through Spotify (and being drawn in by its simple yet striking cover featuring an isometric red house), I listened to this album whilst isolating with my girlfriend in her basement. We had both tested positive for covid a few days prior, and so she was forced to work via zoom, which in turn meant that I was forced to sit quietly in the corner until she was done! This track was the stand out of the album, and I feel proves my music taste to be based, to anyone out there still unsure.

-

Perfect Day - Harry Nilsson

Album: Knnillssonn

Year: 1977

Track: B-Side to “Who Done It?” (Release Unsure: 1977)

[BETTER CALL SAUL SEASON SIX SPOILERS AHEAD]

I didn’t watch Breaking Bad as it aired, the unrelenting hype and worship ruined the idea for me. I caught up with the show years later, in 2020, before following by watching through Better Call Saul - the fifth season had just concluded airing. Despite the acclaim, both shows to me were good, not great. Interesting and watchable, but nothing extraordinary. So when I realised that the sixth season had began airing (three episodes in), I figured I’d watch along. I caught up on the episodes I had missed, and after Nacho’s death, I was hooked. Something had finally clicked with me - the pacing was better, the stakes were real, and for once I was actually uncertain and interested to find out as to where the show would go next. The wait between episodes, even when only a week, feels like decades, and I spend the time inbetween so unbelievably excited for the next installment, and when I can finally watch it, it feels like an event - the lights have to be off, everything else has to be quiet, all my focus goes into the show. It’s silly, I know it is, but it’s nice to have something I can enjoy so much. The most recent episode as of writing, “Fun and Games”, began with such a compelling, heartbreaking and haunting sequence: Jimmy and Kim going through their day, pretending like everything that had happened the night before - Howard’s tragic death, everything with Lalo and Mike - had never happened. And it was all set to a cover of this song - this beautiful, unashamedly sweet song.

-

Suzy - Caravan Palace

Album: Caravan Palace

Year: 2008

Track: Single (Post-Release: 2009)

After an early wake-up and an hour-long bus ride, my girlfriend and I managed to make it to Luna Park, an amusement park she was eager to show me around, and I was eager to be shown around. Before that, however, we had to wait in line to get our wristbands, alongside a million snot-nosed rugrats. Luckily for us, arguably, Luna Park had entertainers at the ready to keep the brats occupied, and deployed what could only be described as a troupe of homosexual slendermen. Dressed in colourful morph suits and clashing waistcoats, the faceless freaks began dancing and waving and soliciting high-fives, all set to this fittingly kooky but undeniably fun electro swing number. As an aside, I think this track would make a great backdrop for a fight scene in a superhero show.

-

The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song [Extended Version] - The Flaming Lips

Album: At War With The Mystics

Year: 2006

Track: Bonus Track

Back in November, my girlfriend and I went rummaging through a secondhand record and CD shop in Greenwich, and I managed to pick up, for 25p, the special edition of this album, featuring a bonus disk with dozens of bonus tracks, radio sessions and music videos. Unfortunately, this bonus disk was in a DVD-audio format, and I have yet to find anything in my house that will play it… But interestingly (if you're a nerd like myself), the first disk, the CD containing the actual album, features this extended mix of the song in place of the original version, and the extended mix was merely an iTunes-exclusive bonus track. This track recently reentered my thoughts when my girlfriend added it to our picnic playlist. We had put one together as something to do whilst isolating, as going for walks to the park together was one of the few things we could do.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Every time I watch old Holby eps, which I’ve been doing a lot recently because my mom wanted to watch the whole Gaskell storyline, I miss the old theme music even more.

I still can’t fucking believe they didn’t even use the original theme for the finale, but then I guess that goes to show how much Holby disregarded its own history by the end. :(

Edit: Anyway, Sacha predicting the entire outcome of the Gaskell SL, basically - “Gaskell is potentially dealing in a fantasy off the back of a miracle.”

Edit 2: Also, I don’t think I’ve mentioned it recently, but I LOVE the way John’s body language is so reminiscent of Henrik’s. Still markedly different, but yet you can really see similarities too. I’m sure it was deliberate on Paul McGann’s part and I love it.

Also also, a line from John about picking candidates for the trial - “Emotion can play no part in the selection process.” That’s very early!Henrik.

Edit 3: Ooh. Ollie mixing up pronouns regarding a patient - “He’s... she’s waiting on an abdominal CT?”. Of course, Henrik goes on to do the same thing 10 episodes later right before his meltdown: “Right, he’s nearly... she’s... forgive me.” (And Ollie laughs at him for the mixup!)

Ollie also saying “here endeth the lesson” - I can’t recall the exact scene but I know Henrik’s said that before.

Just thought those little things were interesting.

Edit 4: I think this episode was one of the last times Fletch was worth watching - the subplot with Raf’s record collection is actually really emotional. Raf was Fletch’s soulmate and I’ll never stop believing that, sorry not sorry.

Edit 5: Not to be sappy but the kid patients on this show always get to me.

Edit 6: I’d forgotten they did actually did give an explanation for why Henrik wasn’t in the first few episodes of this series - he was pretty much isolating himself in his office and avoiding as much social contact as possible. (From John - “Hanssen’s locked himself away. I’m the next best thing, right?”)

Edit 7: Really interesting dialogue from John about removing a patient as a trial candidate because the risk would be too great. “[The patient’s father] will blame himself for making the wrong call. Believe me, it’s better the decision is taken away from him. Give him someone else to blame.”

Edit 8: The thing about alternating between watching early Henrik episodes (as I am in my personal Henrik and Sahira rewatch) and Gaskell episodes (which I’m watching with my mom) is that it REALLY makes you realise how similar Henrik and John actually are. The whole “I am you and you are me” didn’t come from nothing. John’s simply willing to take disregard for morality to a greater level than Henrik is.

Edit 9: Fletch REALLY should have left in early series 20, shouldn’t he? It was just the most natural point to bring Fletch’s time on the show to a close. He shouldn’t have stayed an additional 4 years and still been there when Holby ended.

Edit 10: I’d forgotten Jac and Essie shared all these scenes together.

Edit 11: Roxanna really had basically no personality but at least she was hot. (Seriously, if only she’d had things to do other than be a plot device for men. Hermione Gulliford was perfectly capable of playing an actual character, we saw that when Roxanna showed glimmers of personality.)

Edit 12: If I had a nickel for every time Donna treated a lesbian couple but Donna’s own bisexuality wasn’t mentioned, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that Holby did it twice.

Edit: Guess who said it: “Didn’t I make it clear that emotion has no place in this room?” Gaskell, or early Henrik?

(It was Gaskell but it could SO easily have been early Henrik.)

[dearest-yeosang]

TW Sensitive topics, please proceed with caution.

It’s been 2 years since I completely severed my relationship with my mother.. I reported my abuser (her husband/my step parent) and she chose him time and time again.. even when I moved out at 17, having no clue how to handle the situation through my therapist’s encouragement I tried building a relationship with her.. I put in the work time and time again, as her kid.. I protected her as a child and felt abandoned on so many occasions but i kept trying for us to have a relationship.. all I ever wanted was to be loved by my mother.. but I realized that it was all for not, she wouldn’t have a relationship with me unless I had a relationship with her husband.. at the cost of my mental health and dignity.. she loves to pretend her reality is the truth, but it’s all made of lies it’s just a house of cards at this point.. there was a point where I would go running to her because I didn’t feel like a normal person, it took a few years to realise that the reason I was not “normal” had something to do with her as well.. she refuses to see the harm she’s done, she refuses to acknowledge the harm her husband caused me and my sister.. I knew in order to completely rid myself of this poltergeist I had to take drastic steps! I fucking reported that fucker, it took me 5 years to conjure up the courage! I held a fucking plushie while recounting the assault.. I was 17 all over again!! I had to do it for her, my 17 year old self, she fucking deserved better.. when mother and her husband finally were notified of the police report she contacted my sister and my fiancé rather than talking to me.. when my fiancé stood up for me saying he’s going to support me in this she hung up on him. That should tell you what she truly believes in.. she’s tried to portray me as someone who makes up abuse allegations as a form of attention seeking.. yes mother I do this for attention, yes when I ended up having a mental episode and you showed up to the emergency room with your husband I clung to you as a child telling begging you through tears to not let him near me.. yes all of this for attention and I was performing /s. I only wanted to put this out into the void because Mother’s Day is coming up, and my mother only has one daughter now. My detective told me that my case will not be proceeding as it is a historical crime and we all know the statistics here, in NZ there’s only 7% chance of prison sentence and 42% in court action. I knew it would lead to nothing but I did it so I could let them know I was not going to take this to my grave, I needed them to feel the anxiety I have felt, the “betrayal” I felt. I wanted to watch them burn..

But in saying all this, I am getting tired of myself stuck in a self destructive loop. I am “normal” for a few weeks/months and then I go back to my old ways. I hate that my partner has to support me so much, I hate that I am so socially isolated because I’d rather rot in bed than go see my girls. I hate that I am not financially responsible or stable. I hate that I’m a college dropout. And more recently I hate the sound of my voice because I keep making excuses for my shitty patterns of self destruction. Even my inner monologue has been pissing me off. I am so fucking tired, but I cannot bring myself to self destruct. I am safe. I am safe. I remind myself that if I fail in my attempt that I might maim myself and be an even bigger burden on my loved ones, I remind myself that I do not want my loved ones to grieve and blame themselves for not doing everything to keep my alive, and I remind myself that my baby cats will be so confused because where is mom?

I type this without a single emotion, but as I type the last few sentences I tear up. I know this sounds like a pity party and it is maybe. But I am tired. I am so so tired.