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wigglepiggle · 1 year

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hi it's almost 2 am and I'm thinking of youtubers I liked when I was younger so I'm gonna yell about random encounters video game musicals now nobody asked but I don't care this is my house ah shit it devolved into ace attorney again please help those gay lawyers got me in a GRIP I CANNOT ESCAPE THEM

do y'all know random encounters. those video game theater people. those people were so so so close to making me a theater kid.

phoenix wright the musical fnaf the musical hell yes I even liked their 60 seconds musical despite the fact that i personally hate 60 seconds (it made me really paranoid of nuclear war I couldn't even hear a plane without crying after that when I was younger oops that's more of me being an idiot than the games fault though so I'm not blaming them)

they're awesome even if I don't like a lot of their musicals as much anymore I admire their dedication to making so many good props and going odcostumes and scripts for these games even if they're not like big production this is really impressive for like a group of. idk not a lot of people but they have guests on a lot so

and also a lot of their songs still slap I mean like. stranger things have happened my own little nightmare wright is wrong don't play this game fran bow paperboy they all sound good to this day hell out of all of these songs I only know one game ace attorney (well at the time I first heard them I didn't. but now I do) but I still knew what was happening in them kind of

I still have the lyrics to a lot of these stuck in my head after years especially that part in phoenix wright the musical where edgeworth just starts making a cool rhyme dissing phoenix even harder than he already was:

"forgive my lack of tact but wright knows little more than jack cause he's a wacky crackpot quack exactly that a backward hack in fact in spite of been said in light of Wrights quite empty head Mr Wright is wrong!" will live in my head forever. it has for like 4-5 years anyway it's gonna keep going strong

and also "mr wright please do desist! disrupting court! we get the gist! no need to constantly insist OBJECTION!!!!" has also been in my head for so long. you can probably tell what my favorite musical of theirs was/is now lmao after getting into ace attorney it's only getting stronger tbh

and for some reason I never cared about don't play this game when I heard this when I was younger???? whoever voices franziska in that song has an amazing voice oh my god I love this song so much it's great

I'm going to get my ace attorney friend to watch this now he needs to see it she knows it exists but they didn't see it yet. idk how but I've gotten them to watch 2 object shows I can do it /lh

I kinda hope they do a apollo justice one I think they said they were thinking about it but idk if they will. it's alright if they don't I love the phoenix wright one we have anyway

anyways bye I'm going to sleep soon hopefully I've been awake since 7:30 am

#unfortunately im too self conscious to do theater #i absolutely would if i coulf though it looks sick #cant speak about their new ones though havent seen em #maybe ill peak at the amanda the adventurer one bc i kind of know that game #random encounters #perry parle #probably will delete this later bc this post is like nothing but eh #yall get wiggle lore tonight (almost theater kid)

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employee052 · 11 days

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kinda vent under the cut? idk

(prefacing this by the fact that this is made at around midnight my time, so this is probably just my brain being a stinker rn)

i hate how i just dont have many thoughts for tsp rn

its still my main fandom, i love it dearly, but i cant think of any story or thing to do with it rn, and its making me sad

i wish i had a unique narrator design thats elegant and unique and brings something new to the table

i wish i had a cool sprawling au that tells its own story thats based in tsp

i wish i could have an au with an amazing story that brings something new while also staying the same, the balance of new and old

i want to find that spike in brainrot for the game again, i want to do something with it

but my mind rn is just...

blank.

idk, it might just be the late night voices speaking, but im just worried that im not really bringing anything new.

i want to make a cool new au that tells this cool story with lore drops n plot events and whatnot

but my aus are simple n light mostly, out of bounds/fourth wall is self indulgent "hey what if they were taken to the real world", control group is just me sticking to the base game while also still doing the real world schtick of fourth wall

and outside of that... nothing.

i want to tell a story, i want to explore their characters again, to tug at heartstrings and to have people feel

idk. maybe im just feeling self conscious over having fourth wall as an au

n thats not even getting to how ive been feeling self conscious over my designs recently, with tk, curator, and lynne their designs feel unique enough that i feel okay with. but with my narry? with virgil??? i feel like the swoop isnt enough anymore. i feel like i need to do more with it but idk what or where or why

because i love my narry design so far, but meanie voice in my heads telling me that its too simple, that theres a dozen other narrator designs like mine that are 10x more cooler and unique and original than mine, n i feel bad bc i felt this issue last year, and its one of those things that doesnt seem like its going to leave me any time soon.

idk. im rambling rn

ill probably delete this later idk.

ty for reading ig if anyone does. gonna go sleep this train of thought out.

#oz rambles #artswin #oz vent #delete later #vent #personal

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xsarcasticwriterx · 3 years

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Wonderwall-part 5

Summary: Steve get closer to you the more your pregnancy advances and tony tries to keep his distance as he come to realize his feeling

Pairing: Tony stark x reader x Bucky barnes, some stucky x reader

Warnings: swearing, alcohol , some minor angsty angst,

Notes: Ok i really like wonderwall right now so i'm going to update this more frequently (i say and watch i suddenly just hit a wall for this story)

Wonderwall masterlist

It had been a month since your ultrasound and tony had been so distant but steve had been very close with you and bucky. if bucky was away he was everywhere you were caring for your every move. Bucky appreciated it and loved seeing you and his best friend so close.

You currently were laying in bed with steve watching a movie. your head was on his stomach and he was playing with your hair. you two were eating chips and really only half watching it as yall kept joking around.

Bucky was on a mission so steve has been caring for you these past few days. “you feeling ok?” steve asked and you chuckled “for the tenth time yes i promise i'm ok” you said tilting your head looking up at him. he smiled down at you and booped your nose. you laughed and smiled “just checking you've been silent for a while” steve said going back to playing with your hair.

“I was just thinking how nice its been being with you” you said reaching up and stroking his cheek. he smiled softly down at you. he cleared his throat “uh y/n-” steve started to say but the bedroom door opened. “oh hey steve figured you'd be in here” bucky said walking in “hey babe” you said. bucky walked over and kissed your forehead and gave steve a side hug.

steve's head landed on bucky's chest as he kept messing with your hair. “heard you've been taking care of her these past few days” bucky said. “he's been a perfect gentleman” you said with a small giggle. bucky laughed and out his stuff down sliding next to steve. you laying on both of them your legs on steves lap and head on bucky's.

“Tony said he's planning a party to celebrate our return” bucky mentions. you turn your head at the mention of tony. He had been avoiding you recently. Anytime you came near him or tried to speak to him he ran off in the other direction or suddenly had things to do.

“tony spoke to you?” you asked. bucky knew how tony was avoiding you more so because he was also avoiding bucky. “nope he told nat and also told her to tell me something about him being too busy planning to do it himself. i don't know” bucky said with a shrug

“he still avoiding you two?” steve asked and you and buck replied with a simple nod. you were hurt by it, he had started this vow of silence to you since you had told him your past. you started to wonder if maybe he saw you were too broken. did he even want to be in the baby's life anymore? you sighed before shaking your head “lets go tony cant avoid me there” you said sitting up.

“sweetheart honey you can barely spend an hour without puking or getting nauseas at least” bucky said stroking your hair “ill be fine. were going no if ands or buts about it” you said huffing and standing up. you walked to your closest and steve turned to bucky “there's no point in trying to change her mind” steve said and they both chuckled. you found a dress and set it up on the door handle. “now what time is it at?” you asked with a small clap.

bucky gave a small laugh before speaking. He knew that he had no choice but him and steve would be on your tail the whole time making sure your ok. “9pm” bucky said. you gave a small nod looking at the clock which said 5pm in glowing letters. only 4 hours then tony has to speak to you.

at 8:00 you walked into the large bathroom attached to your room.stripping down you looked in the mirror touching your small stomach bump. you were close to the 2 month mark and your stomach was starting to prove that. you walked into the shower letting the warm water wash over you. you closed your eyes relishing in the warmth. you soon felt arms wrap around your waist, one human one metal. letting your head rest on bucky's chest he gave an approving groan before reaching for a bottle of soap and washing your hair. “how are you feeling today?” bucky asked massaging your scalp “mmm good steves been so much help and such a great friend when your away its nice” you said with a small smile.

Steve was almost always around you and bucky. Anything you needed he got you any help you needed he helped. whenever you got sick he kept your hair out of your face. he’d always help you wash up after. he cared for you when your emotions got too prominent and took control. he kept you still doing small exercises and even researched what you should do when you got self conscious of all the weight you were gaining. He slept in your bed holding you close on days bucky was gone and you couldn't sleep. He cared for you, more than you or bucky knew.

This isn't just for you though, he spent every moment not with you with bucky. they researched on the baby together things to do once their born how to be a good parent. They even tested how to make baby bottles even thought you had almost 7 months to go before the baby was born. you often walked into the room to find the two boys joking around, laughing. There was the one time you walked in on them slow dancing together to music from the 40′s. They said it was from the last dance they had gone to. You of course recorded it and kept it no matter how much they begged you to delete it. Steve cared for you two and would put his life on the line for you two even if it meant it'd be the end for him.

You stepped out of the shower and bucky followed after wrapping you in a towel. “steve is great isn't he” bucky said with a soft smile. “yea” you replied with a soft smile of your own but also a smirk. you looked at bucky's soft reaction to hearing your approval of steve. how his eyes glistened in happiness and a small smile stayed pressed on his face.

When bucky had first showed up at the compound the connection him and steve had lead you to believe they were together. One night you asked steve and he gave a small laugh before telling you otherwise. Not long after you started seeing bucky. You were honestly shocked nothing was going on between them and nothing had ever gone on. The chemistry they had was unbelievable and the sparks was as if someone was trying to start a fire.

Thou bucky had also thought you had a thing for bucky when he returned into steves life. The way you two smiled and laughed with one another. He saw it as a couple, he was never jealous just happy his best friend finally found someone. That was till you asked him out and he was confused. That lead to you telling him how you thought him and steve were together.

You slipped into your nice dark blue dress. you and bucky walked into the loud living room at 9:00 seeing everyone dancing and drinking. steve spotted you two immediately running over. “hey you two” he said with a large smile. “have you seen tony?” you asked. steve pointed to the bar where you saw tony drunkenly flirting with two girls. rolling your eyes you strolled on over leaving the two boys together.

“shes gonna beat his ass if she has two isn't she?” steve asked and bucky patted his shoulder “that's our girl” bucky said before walking into the group chatting with other, That remark ‘our girl’ caused steve to chug down the rest of his strong drink. He wanted more no needed more but he really didn't want to enter the warzone known at you and tony.

You grabbed tony's jacket shoving him against the bar. the girl ran off in fear and tony put his hands up in surrender. you slapped him across the face before grabbing his jacket again “listen here stark your not getting away anymore ok. not happening nope. now your going to tell me why your avoiding me or ill keep slapping you till you do” you said pulling him forward and slamming him against the bar again.

Steve had walked over to natasha stealing her drinking downing it too. “jesus what's up with you?” she asked seeing her tipsy friend. “thor you have any asgardian alcohol on you?” steve asked. thor nervously handed his friend a small shot of it. steve immediately downed it feeling the tingly sensation down his body “them” was all steve said “both of them” he said dropping his head onto the table. they immediately got it “so you finally admit it huh?” nat asked rubbin steves back steve lifted his head “you knew?” he asked. and thor laughed “of course we knew everyone did except tony,y/n, and bucky obviously” thor said. steve groaned and rubbed his face “what do i do?” he asked. nat patted his shoulder “tell them dumbass” and with that steve asked for another shot from thor.

You were still interrogating tony “I told you i cant say” he replied and was hit with another slap. at this point his face was numb. “Bucky will slaughter me if i do and ill never be able to see my baby” he said tears brimming his eyes. “tony just tell me i wont let that happen” you said releasing your grip on him. “i cant” he said. you slapped him once more. tears fell “tony” you huffed out. he looked at you before rolling his eyes shaking his head “i'm in love you” he said tears flooding out, and with that he walked off. you felt your whole body freeze. you sat on the couch in the corner.

bucky walked over sitting next to you “you get your answer?” he asked. you cleared your throat trying to act natural “uh no no he would say i dont know” you said with a shrug. bucky groaned kissing your temple before walking back to the people. about an hour later a drunk steve plopped next to you. “heeeeeey” he slurred. you laughed before replying “hi stevie” you said ruffling his hair. it had grown out a little sense he'd been so busy caring for you he never had the time to cut it but honestly you thought he looked nice with it a little longer. “your so prettyyyyyyyyy” he said falling into your lap. you laughed and smiled down at him “your pretty too” you replied. steve pouted and you were confused but also adored it, he looked like a sad puppy. “what wrong stevie?” you asked rubbing his torso

“I have an issue” he said squirming and groaning. “what is it?” you asked tilting your head “i am in love with your boyfriend” he said. you laughed a little leaving steve confused. “I know” you replied. “huh?” he asked sitting up. “well yea i mean i knew” you said with a shrug “is that it?” you asked and he shook his head “i love you too” he said his head falling back. “me?” you asked with a small smile. “yes youuuuuu i am in love with 2 of the most perfect people and they love each other” he said slurring. “wait” he said looking at you “your not mad.” he stated. you laughed “no stevie a little shocked you love me? sure but i knew you love bucky always have and its not like you can control who you love” you said with a shrug. “look tomorrow when your sober tell bucky just trust me. tell him. ill deal with him after” you replied. steve fell into your lap again.

once he was asleep you gave a small smile to him “i love you too stevie” you sai combing through his hair. bucky walked up to you “he asleep?” he asked. you nodded with a small smile. bucky lifted steve bridal style starting to walk to steve's room “where are you going?” you asked. bucky looked at you dumbfounded “to put him in his room” he said confused. “come on” you said entering you and bucky's room. bucky shrugged walking in, he layed steve down and he immediately curled into a pillow. “why here?” he asked. you gave a small shrug and smile “cause he has something to tell you tomorrow” you said leaving bucky confused. Of course you still had no clue on what to do about tonys confession but that was another problem for another day. maybe one where bucky wont slaughter tony for it.

Tag list

@vicmc624 @mylifeispainandiloveit @frostay

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makeyourdeanabi · 4 years

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Finale Reaction- 2 months later

In the wee hours after the Supernatural Finale, after tossing and turning in my bed, I got up and wrote this... this was before I was actually active on Tumblr and I never thought I would share this because I was too self conscious. I deleted it shortly after I wrote it because it brought me so much pain to relive it. I have since watched the Finale again and have come to terms with it and I felt it was a good time to share my thoughts. I hope that my words may bring other people comfort who feel the same way. Thanks for reading :)

Alisha

P.S. Sorry so long, I was feeling things and the words just kept coming and coming ___________________________________________

I don’t blog. Never in my life have I sat down to tell the world about my feelings in such a manner. I may contribute on message boards and social media comments, but I never thought anything was worth my time to spill my guts into the ether when I am near certain that not a soul will read them. But here I am. I have to write because if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head, I am going to go full on insane.

That ending was bad. It was a disservice to the 15 years of an incredible show that was not only genre bending it was cultural norms bending.

I could mention the various tropes that this ending (and the previous episodes) invoked, but I am not well versed in them and would never want to do anyone a disservice with a comparison that wasn’t apt.

The buildup up of each character arc and then the glaring lack of conclusion for said character arc was laughable.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement.

I am destroyed.

I am destroyed that the two men who have been with this franchise since day 1 wrote and directed an episode that they thought was the perfect ending. They thought this is what their devoted fandom wanted.

I am destroyed that the lead actors signed off on this script and went so far as to call it their favorite. I realize Jared was the only one calling it his favorite episode. Jensen admitted he had reservations about the episode and needed the wise words of creator Erik Kripke to accept it. I do have to say that taking the word of a man who left the show 10 seasons ago and hasn’t been involved in all the plot lines and inner workings since season 5 is probably not the best idea. I could be mistaken about the extent of Kripke’s involvement, but I am fairly certain that I am right in my assumptions.

Dean spent 15 years (probably more) of his life feeling unloved, unworthy, self-conscious and convinced that his life had but one purpose and that purpose would ultimately be the death of him, and he had made peace with that.

He is given a best friend, potential love interest, who helps him to see that he is more than that, so much more than that. He is selfless, he is caring, he is a lover, not a killer. His friend’s soulmate’s sacrifice is the catalyst for him believing that all these things are true. He even takes the step of admitting out loud that he knows he has changed. He knows that his life is worth living to the fullest and appreciating what he has every day and honoring those they have “lost along the way.”

To then kill him during a routine hunting trip in which the boys are up against a vampire nest they could take down in their sleep. What could possibly have been the purpose for that? To show that once they were no longer God’s little play toys their lives were expendable? WHY?

Dean, arguably the greatest hunter in the SPN universe, was taken out by a fucking rusty piece of rebar, and instead of trying to call for help and get the man to a hospital (not sure it would have helped) he has his final monologue, the one he has been due for the latter half all of Season 15. He died scared, in pain, and sad.

Dean goes to heaven, and its not the heaven we have been told of in the past where you are living in your memories. Its truly life after death and its wonderful. He meets Bobby again and told that various people in Dean’s and Bobby’s life are close by. His parents live down the road. His father, who was never confirmed to be but was most likely an abusive bastard, lives just down the road with his mother. Wonderful. (WTF?) He gets confirmation that Cas is out of the empty and he smiles, nothing more. He sees baby and goes for a drive, not to find Cas and thank him for his ultimate sacrifice, but to just drive. I like this part because we see a happy, content Dean, and we finally get to hear Kansas’s “Carry on Wayward Son” (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE LACK OF THE ROAD SO FAR AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE). I just wish Dean’s path to heaven had been a little easier on him.

Dean deserved better.

Castiel, the selfless angel who just wanted to find purpose in his life and ultimately found it in death. He dies never being told that he is loved, after countless times of professing his love to his found family. The angel who sacrificed himself to the Empty, a horrible place of unspeakable torture, to protect the man he loves. A man who, mere days later (in my mind anyway), arrives in heaven after being killed in a gruesome accident, rather than fulfilling his destiny that Cas fought so hard to protect. Some sacrifice. It turns out that Cas is saved by the Empty from Jack, but we don’t get to see his joyful reunion with Dean, the man he loves.

Cas deserved better.

Sam is left to live this life without his brother, and potentially the love of his life because the writers couldn’t be bothered to confirm Eileen’s re-existence after Chuck’s rapture. He has a family, and he grows old (mind you with REALLY bad makeup in a show that is known for their incredible makeup/special effects departments).

He seems to be happy, but you can tell something is missing. We come to see that he raised his son to be a hunter. He raised his son in a life that, at the outset of this show, he was desperate to get out of and live a normal life. Perhaps he no longer believes that anyone can live a normal life knowing what is out there. *EDIT* Looking back I don’t believe he raised his son to be a hunter, just gave him the tattoo in case.

He names his son Dean, because of course he does. He has a wife who we see from a distance and is never given the clarity if it is Eileen or not. He finally dies after what looks like a slow and painful illness and is sent to heaven.

In heaven he meets up with Dean. This was lovely. The two of them meeting again after so long, for Sam, that is. Dean only had to seemingly wait for a few hours.

Sam deserved better.

For a show that had the potential to go out on a historically significant high, this is disappointing, to say the least. The story had the potential to end with 2 brothers who have sacrificed so much and saved so many people, find a happy ending. Not only that but find a happy ending with a deaf partner and a gay angel. If that isn’t breaking barriers and bending norms, I don’t know what is. I really would like to know what prevented this from happening. Be it the CW from restricting them or maybe the absolute lack of originality from the writers, I am curious as to their reasoning. Maybe it was COVID. Maybe because they couldn’t have those two actors physically on set due to protocols, they didn’t want to shortchange them by having them appear otherwise: disembodied voice, phone call (DONT TOUCH ME) or even a flashback… hell STOCK FOOTAGE! I don’t know and I clearly can’t imagine the reason.

I realize that there is nothing that can be done about this episode now and that accepting it and moving on is really the only way forward. But the legacy this show has left, and its lasting impact on me and my life, cannot be ignored. I was looking forward to indulging in past episodes of this show for the rest of my life. It is going to be a long time before I can watch an episode without anger and resentment towards what I know to be their eventual end. That, to me, is unforgiveable.

I don’t expect anyone to actually read this because I do not have any followers. I have never blogged in my entire life and was only recently introduced to the online fandom, but I needed to write this. I needed to share the impact that this episode had on me. I do hope that it does reach those in the fandom that may have similar feelings and are able to use my words to help express how they are feeling. We can move on, and we will move on, but we need to do it together.

I know that there are people who, if they read this, would shake their head in disbelief that I became so emotionally invested in this show that watching a bad ending would take such a toll on my mental health.

To them I say, imagine this… The Pittsburgh Steelers (my favorite team, they can imagine their own) have an incredible season. A season where they saw a myriad of highs and lows. Veteran players making incredible comebacks, rookie players coming in to their own. Season ending injuries that lead to the next man stepping up and contributing in ways they weren’t sure possible. Now imagine they make it to the Superbowl and after 3 tough quarters, in which they played their best, getting better with each quarter, they lose it in the final minutes. All that blood, sweat, and tears for nothing. Now imagine that was their last season and the Pittsburgh Steelers are no longer an NFL team. They are done. No “we’ll get ‘em next season.” No “it’s just a game and there is always another one”. Just done. Their entire franchise, for a brief moment in time, reduced to those final minutes where they failed to win. Devastating. Of course, in the long run that is not what they will be remembered for. I mean, after all, they have won 6 Lombardi trophies, and no one is taking that away from them. But the sting will remain for a while. *EDIT* This was as close to prophecy as I will ever get, the Steelers did all of the above until the playoffs, but THANK GOD, there will be another season.

If I can’t make you understand with a sports metaphor than I will never make you understand.

I love this show and this loss is devastating. I do hope that it is remembered for more than their last-minute loss. I hope it is remembered for the joy and acceptance that their fandom felt with each episode, for the laugher on set and the gag reels. I hope it is remembered for the individual players who gave it their all. I know it will be, but for me personally, this sting is going to last for a while.

#Supernatural #spn #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #eileen leahy #series finale #season 15 episode 20 #damn you dabb #damn you singer #destiel #supernatural

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jooheongif · 6 years

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it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

#how did i..even end up writing so much im so sorry :-(#and sorry that this is all over the place !!#i hope i didn't go on too much of a tangent :(#ask #theory anon #Anonymous

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fangirlinginleatherboots · 7 years

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I'm not sure if you're awake right now but I wanna ask, can you describe some things your ocd causes(I don't know if that's a good word to use but it's all I can think of) you to do? I'm wanting to write a story involving a character with ocd, while I'm doing research I remembered (I might be wrong though so feel free to correct me) that I think you said somewhere before you had it and since you kind of inspire me to go after things I thought I ask. If it's too personal feel free to delete!

Also, ocd story anon, I read that trauma can be a cause of ocd, do you believe that your ocd could've come from your trauma?

This is a very very long response going into a few of my (and some alters) OCD traits and some reasoning behind them and the range of responses I have to various triggers. It actually helps me analyze my traits better when ppl ask stuff like this so I may have gone overboard as stuff kinda clicked in my brain but hopefully somewhere in here you will get your answer.

So, I’m going to start with the last question first. MY OCD was not caused by my trauma, however my traumas have completely shaped my compulsions and obsessions to a point where my OCD traits are almost inseparable from my PTSD. See, I’m autistic, and OCD is part of this co-morbidity package a lot of autistic people end up with, to a point where the co-morbid disorders are often not even diagnosed after the autism is because its that common. (They’ll diagnose separately if you need treatment for one of them. like the reason i have ADHD and OCD listed as dx’s is because the doctors count them separately on me bc i need medication for them, but they’re extremely common to the point of being expected with most ASD dxs)

Yes, I have OCD and have always had, but my trauma caused so much anxiety that the disorder reshaped itself around specific triggers. There are many layers to my OCD, it’s actually a strange sort of nonspecific looking presentation because of how many alters also have OCD, so it becomes difficult to tell who has which O and C thus there being a lot of inconsistency in whether or not a trigger affects me.

It’s also worth nothing that some doctor’s feel that I fit under the specific label of “scrupulosity” or rOCD (Religious OCD) because of how much of my stuff revolves around religion. I don’t always agree that it’s this because while my O and C are based on religious themes, I don’t believe in the concepts behind the things. I believe most of the religious stuff is just from religious trauma.

On one layer, I have a number obsession. There are certain numbers that are tolerable, a few that are “cursed,” and one that is “blessed” and one that is “perfect.” I will do anything to change things to match my blessed and perfect numbers. I will even fudge the truth a little (not a lie, often an exaggeration, by about one or two digits) to make something fit those numbers. To randomly come across a cursed number or even just a slightly intolerable one, makes me very anxious and can shape how i spend my day and how much time i spend with my better numbers. The way my trauma shaped this compulsion was that my numbers tie to religious stuff, since my traumatic environment was often religious, or trauma would be inflicted with religious reasons.

There is an alter that has a compulsion to say a prayer. When we have intrusive thoughts (which you super need to research if you’re writing OCD bc it is a KEY PART of the disorder but ill go into it later here), someone starts reciting the prayer. Sometimes I will as well just because it’s easier to go along with it. Not completing the prayer is not an option. I mean that with absolutely every intent. Not completing the prayer is NOT AN OPTION. It does elieviate some background anxiety, so whoever is dealing with that is being helped by the compulsion, but it is extremely frustrating and upsetting, especially since i am as non-religious as i can possibly manage to be. The prayer is also said whenever something is uneasy or something triggers specific flashbacks.

One of the most obviously noticeable and upsetting for all involved O and C is being “dirty.” There’s a VERY wide range of triggers here, from actually dirty/germy/unclean things, to unpleasant/intolerable sensory triggers, all the way to conceptual dirtiness like sin, virginity, and lying. This can affect me subtly sometimes, like how i compulsively tell the truth and over share so that i feel clean or how i cannot go to sleep after a fight if it has not been resolved. (”never go to bed angry” they said, well shit now i literally cant cool.) This can also hit me violently and to a point where I am a danger to myself. I worked at a movie theater for a summer some time ago and touched something that was a bad sensory feeling while cleaning a dirty theater. I then proceeded to scrub my hands in near-boiling water for almost fifteen minutes in the break room, broke down sobbing, and when I got home i sat under very very hot water in the shower until my skin was raw and red for days. It doesn’t often get to that point, but when it does, I’ve been held down for my own safety since I’ll literally rip my skin and bite myself to punish myself for being dirty. It is frequently bad enough that I will let myself do something “dirty” as a form of self harm since it seriously makes me miserable and sick. This stuff comes both from religious trauma and from just....crappy normal autism feelings and manifests as my most disabling OCD trait.

There are other things like closing drawers and straightening and arranging things that are done to feel that I am being “good” because of reprimands I received in the past that made me feel like I am “bad.” I am sometimes able to not act on these compulsions, though it takes conscious effort to choose not to. Whether or not this stems from trauma doesn’t really matter to me. I know that most of the fronting alters have these “little OCDs” be it through me or for their own reasons. Tia for instance has to keep things in the kitchen a certain way and Phoebe has to complete certain physical activities a certain way or else she gets upset or feels she did a very bad job/failed.Since I’m really just. going at this question lmao lets talk a little about intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are upsetting/disturbing/unacceptable thoughts you do not take pleasure in. For me, a few of them make me feel dirty, which triggers my compulsions very badly. Some relate to trauma, others don’t make sense. There are very common ones such as urges to kill or mutilate self or others, urges to do disastrous things (like causing a huge car accident), urges to do disgusting sexual acts (to self or others, often to unacceptable people like children, elders, and the undesired sex), urges to become a serial killer/rapist/shooter/etc, and other such painfully upsetting things such as those. These are often what fuel the obsessions in OCD and the compulsions are to make these thoughts stop or hurt less. Personally, I get a lot of sexual ones because of how poorly the topic was handled in my childhood. I get ones about elaborately slaughtering a specific abuser, about doing things that will kill me, about mutilating myself and mutilating pets (those are the ones that fuck me up the most i think), and about doing very destructive things that would harm a lot of people. I also get some about terrorism happening where I am, but that one is FOR SURE a trauma thing so maybe it could just be my PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts occur with a LOT of different disorders!!!!! It’s just OCD when you have compulsions to cope with them. Even then, it has to be a certain way for it to qualify.

I hope I was able to give you somewhere to start in terms of information. OCD is a very big disorder and is a major reason why I’m unable to function in a workplace environment. I didn’t go into the specifics of every compulsion, but if you have questions, I don’t mind talking about this stuff. It helps me process it to explain it to others and I end up healing a little through oversharing I think.

#bootsie's advice column #collective #bootsie's adventures #Anonymous

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jerusalism · 7 years

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Amital Stern interviewed by Geula Geurts

GG: In your lyric essay FOREIGN BODY EAR you write: “My presence as an actual foreign body in the city, not born or raised here, nor having ever managed to put down any roots.”

Being bilingual, do you sometimes feel not only foreign to Jerusalem, but foreign to yourself? How does this present itself in your writing? Do you express yourself better in English or in Hebrew creatively?

AS: When I moved to Israel at age seventeen, it was clear to me I wouldn’t be able to write creatively in Hebrew. But writing in English felt out of place too. It felt irrelevant, so I didn’t write at all. You can say this alienated me from my creative self for a while. Then later, after I took an acting class and wrote a monologue in Hebrew, I realized that was something I can do.

GG: Because your Hebrew speech was becoming controlled.

AS: Yes. Hebrew dialog became safer for me, so theatrical writing, and later screenwriting in Hebrew became safe and even natural at a certain point. I realized this is a form I can use in Hebrew. It allowed me to play with spoken Hebrew on paper.

GG: But your prose, your lyric nonfiction is written in English.

AS: I’m not sure if to call English my mother tongue, but it still is the strongest and most creative vehicle of my prosaic expression.

GG: Does your background in screenwriting influence your lyric nonfiction, your prose?

AS: At a certain point I felt that the strict set of rules of screenwriting was stifling my creative voice. Writing for film is something I will return to, but I did feel a deep need to break free from the rules of that form. I’m not sure what to call the genre of my prose, but it’s definitely hybrid animal. It combines many aspects: cultures, language, myth, academic nonfiction, memoir, fiction and even theater. I felt a strong desire to combine all these aspects of my life into my writing life. Actually, my “Mifletzet” series of lyric essays is driven by the idea to create a play about the female monster that is Jerusalem. I’m writing the essays to figure out what such a play will look like, whether it’s a play I could write and perform. This is one of the things driving me in the series.

GG: That’s exactly what you do in the end of the piece “I feel like vomiting the mother.” You force the reader to imagine this play with you. So perhaps it’s a new genre all together. We can call it meta-theatrical lyric essay!

AS: Ha! I guess it really is hard to define.

GG: Who are your mentors in these forms? Which writers inspire your own writing?

AS: When I started to combine different aspects into prosaic writing, I became interested in reading more hybrid forms. One writer I’m influenced by is Dodie Bellamy, a New Narrative writer from San Francisco. Also, experimental theater I was exposed to is very hybrid. I was always a child who read a lot, so when I was young, Modernists like James Joyce, T.S Eliot and Virginia Woolf spoke to me. Their writing is essentially hybrid, that’s what they’re doing. Lidia Yuknavitch, who created the space for the Mifletzet column, is a giant of the hybrid form, in her own writing and as a facilitator who helps writers allow themselves to experiment. I also grew up very religious, so I was often exposed to biblical literature, midrash, rabbinical commentary. There are so many levels of storytelling when it comes to Jewish literature. There is a lot of intertextuality, so through absorbing this at a young age, I learned to combine different forms of texts.

GG: That’s fascinating. I guess the Bible really is hybrid. There are parts of mythology, and sections with lists of laws.

AS: Yes, and even songs, and poetry. It’s wild.

GG: It’s an understatement to say that you are heavily obsessed with the notion of Jerusalem as a female character, a female monster. Do you think good writing needs to be driven by obsession? Is obsession itself monstrous? Is writing monstrous? In what way are you monstrous?

AS: Well, yes, in a sense I do feel like a monster. So often women are described as objects of both desire and disgust. These two opposing aspects are what make us monstrous. I want to know if this marriage between desire and disgust is possible to live with. As a woman, I’m trying to get to my own understanding of this. Of course I’m driven by obsession. I want to know everything about it, so my writing is drawing from research, personal experience, myth and imagination. It’s turning into a monster itself.

GG: You write about Jerusalem appearing in biblical mythology as a wife, virgin, widow and whore. You question whether the actual women living in Jerusalem become objects of these mythic projections. Do you write and research to find a certain answer, or are you driven by something beyond?

AS: I’m definitely driven by something more than a search for an academic answer. Perhaps I’m looking to purge myself from these myths through my writing. The myths themselves are monsters that claim the individual woman. I feel a deep need to write my own myth, to set myself, as a woman, free from the existing myths and see what else exists.

GG: You write: “MY LIFE HAD STOOD – A LOADED GUN: wrote Emily Dickinson. Maybe life holds so much possibility, still. Maybe my warm gun is this pen.” So, would you call yourself a literary activist?

AS: I think my writing started as subconscious “feminism.” I didn’t realize that what I was doing was feminist. It came about naturally. Lately, I try to push myself to be clearer about what I’m trying to say and express, instead of keeping my intentions vague. In my nature, I don’t like demonstrations, but there are a lot of issues that bother me. My writing is a way for me to discuss these issues with myself, and with the reader.

GG: I’ve noticed you have a small online presence. You don’t have a Facebook account. Could you say “hiding” is a part of your writing self, too?

AS: Not being on Facebook is a very conscious decision. I deleted my account two years ago. This is very much connected to my writing life, to create a vacuum for myself to write. I also started feeling physically ill about social media. It’s like an alternative world. I remembered my life before, and it was fine. I decided to leave the alternative world online, also as an experiment. I wondered if people would still know me, whether I’d still exist for them if I exited that realm. I know there’s a price that I pay, when it comes to keeping up with contacts and professional presence online. But I do think my writing, and my face to face relationships, are enriched by this choice.

GG: You’re working on your first novel now.

AS: Yes. I’d say it’s also a hybrid monster, but it has a dramatic structure, a narrative arc. There are a lot of different voices: supernatural, mystical. It’s an exciting and scary endeavor, and I feel strongly about writing it.

GG: I look forward to reading it! And of course hearing you read your work on February sixth.

AS: Thank you. So do I!

-----------------------------------

This interview was conducted in preparation for the Jerusalism event, Selfless Promotion, hosted at the Art Cube’s Artists’ Studios, on February 6th.

#jerusalism #author interview

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nancygduarteus · 7 years

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How Twitter Fuels Anxiety

In Ralph Waldo Emerson's famous essay on self-reliance, the 19th-century writer and naturalist sang the praises of spiritual isolation and the evils of distraction, bemoaning the forces that conspired to direct his attention to "emphatic trifles." He would not be cowed, he said, but would stand resolute in the face of such bad influences: "The power men possess to annoy me, I give them by a weak curiosity ... If we cannot at once rise to the sanctities of obedience and faith, let us at least resist our temptations."

Don't tell Ralph about Twitter.

I joined Twitter in 2009 at the urging of my husband, who works in technology. "What am I going to do, tell the internet what I ate for breakfast?" I asked him. Eight years later, I'm the one checking Twitter over my morning toast while he gets ready for work. Twitter has become the place where I get my news, where I check in on my friends, where I go to make jokes and read good essays. As a lifelong sufferer of anxiety, it is where I go to talk about what I’m feeling when I’m anxious, and maybe find some camaraderie. And as a lifelong sufferer of anxiety, using Twitter is also making my anxiety worse. The like-minded community I’ve built on Twitter has made confessing anxiety easier than ever, but the comparison Twitter enables has made the experience of anxiety worse. And when it comes to Twitter, you have to take the good with the bad.

Psychologists typically distinguish between two types of anxiety: trait anxiety, a persistent and lasting tendency to experience fear and worry; and state anxiety, a temporary response of fear to a threatening situation. Many forms of social media can agitate both trait and state anxiety, and perhaps none more so than Twitter, which reminds the perpetually anxious that we always have something to be anxious about and instills a sense of anxiety in even the most laid-back user. Twitter’s constant flow of new information and the fact that users tend to follow people who are more accomplished and successful than they are creates an especially potent cocktail of comparison for anxious people. "Twitter really inflames my professional anxiety," says Caitlin Cruz, a freelance journalist based in New York. "But it's also given me a lot of professional success." Cruz deleted the Twitter app from her phone a few weeks ago, which she says has made her life more bearable.

Twitter users have to contend with competing voices that yell at you as soon as you log on. You haven't written a best-selling novel yet? Here's a “30 Under 30” list of best-selling novelists! You're over 30? Here's an article about how you're a bad parent! You haven't had children yet? This bestselling author has three, and she's under 30! Twitter is a megaphone for achievements and a magnifying glass for insecurities, and when you start comparing your insecurities with another person's achievements, it's a recipe for anxiety.

"Generally speaking, the comparisons that we make on social media are more like to be 'upward' comparisons," says Azadeh Aalai, a professor of psychology at Montgomery College in Maryland. "We're comparing ourselves to the individuals who appear to be higher status and are achieving more" than we are, which can lead to feelings of envy, discontent, and anxiety. It's also not the whole story. When I was young, my mom used to warn me against "comparing my insides to other people's outsides." Using Twitter, I am constantly comparing my insides—my anxieties, fears, and insecurities—with other people's outward selves: their accomplishments, polished selfies, and edited articles. There will always be someone who’s doing better than I am in any aspect of my life. And because I, like many people, tend to follow people I admire or who are already famous, I am constantly aware of just how much better other people are. Twitter also gives me a quick and handy way to quantify my worth: this many likes, this many retweets. I'd like to think I'm more than the sum of my followers, but there are plenty of days when I don't feel that way.

Anxiety functions by constantly reminding you to pay attention to it. And so does Twitter. Twitter draws users back for more and more and more. Smartphones are designed to provide instant gratification, and many of Twitter's features depend on our biological fear of scarcity, says Pamela Rutledge, the director of the Media Psychology Research Center. The push notifications, the little number next to our mentions, the bar that tells us how many tweets have been sent since we last refreshed the page—all of these details are designed to keep users coming back, afraid that we might have missed something vital. "Social media doesn't really promote moderation," Aalai says (in what could perhaps be the understatement of the year).

The desire to know what is going on at every moment is quenched when met with the firehose of information that is Twitter. But my anxiety skyrockets when I’m met with the seemingly endless amount of bad news about tragic events going on around the world—ISIS bombings, systemic racism, refugees in crisis, the threat of war, political upheaval. Many Twitter users I surveyed cited feeling powerless in the face of overwhelming fear as one of the biggest causes of their anxiety. Even if it does offer the occasional practical solution—donating to the International Rescue Committee, calling a congressperson, sharing a GoFundMe—Twitter remains dominantly focused on the world's ills in a way that can decimate a person's sense of efficacy and replace it with profound despair.

If Twitter is full of bad news and anxiety-inducing fodder for comparison, why are we there in the first place? Some people, like the writer Lindy West, have left Twitter altogether due to harassment and trolling, while the New York Times columnist Bret Stephens just announced he would leave Twitter because it had become "pornified politics," although he isn't really leaving—"I'll keep my Twitter handle, and hopefully my followers," he wrote, and an editorial assistant will update the profile for him. But the rest of users are there, presumably, because they find some value amid the constant updates and jokes and hot takes. Twitter provides a sense of camaraderie.

Twitter provides a platform for neurotic people to share their fears. And for those of us who work from home or on the road, Twitter becomes an office space and the people we interact with become our coworkers. A recent Harvard University study found that "the act of disclosing information about oneself activates the same part of the brain that is associated with the sensation of pleasure"—the same pleasure center that is activated by food, money, and sex. Confessing my anxiety on social media, then, is an attempt not to feel so alone. Anxiety isolates the people who suffer from it, convincing them that they are the only ones who think in this distorted way. Bringing this kind of myopic thinking into the light and examining it can help combat it, and Twitter can actually be a useful place for doing just that. "You're anxious? Me, too!" is the kind of rallying cry that unites anxious people. But even as we find our tribe of fellow worriers, the question remains: What are we using Twitter for?

In no particular order, these are some of the reasons I use Twitter: to check the news, to procrastinate, to see what my friends are up to, to stave off boredom, to find an article I've been wanting to read, to seek out new voices to listen to, to make myself feel better by sharing what I've accomplished, to see what people are saying to me. In other words, Twitter mimics a lot of the everyday interactions I have—only without the benefit of being face-to-face. People with social anxiety can use Twitter to replicate those in-person interactions, but the anxiety can remain. Twitter users I spoke with often worried about how they were perceived online, and the need for external approval has been correlated with an increased sense of anxiety on social media. A person can find both solidarity and isolation on Twitter, which is part of the medium's magnetic pull—you never know how you're going to feel when you open it up.

Rutledge encourages Twitter users to think about why they're online. "If you're checking Twitter a hundred times a day, what are you avoiding doing?" she asks. "That's where you need cognitive override," or the ability to step out of the moment at hand and evaluate how realistic your feelings are given your use of this technology. "When we're anxious, we feel compelled to be continually scanning the environment," Rutledge says. "That's how we make ourselves feel safe." It's what our ancestors did to anticipate attacks from enemies or saber-toothed tigers, but the advantage now isn’t quite as clear. Assuming we live in a world that is connected enough that we won't completely miss important news, there isn’t a real need to be constantly scanning the feed, looking for threats.

The cycle of anxiety on Twitter use can be especially bad for women, non-binary and queer people, and people of color. "Vulnerable populations in face-to-face interactions are similarly going to be vulnerable in virtual interactions," says Aalai. These are often people who benefit greatly from Twitter because they can speak directly to the friendly audience who follows them, cutting out the potential for harassment they might receive in other places. But trolls follow, too: A 2014 Pew study shows that 25 percent of women ages 18–24 have been sexually harassed online (as opposed to 13 percent of young men), and 23 percent have been physically threatened. Fifty-one percent of African-American and 54 percent of Hispanic internet users had experienced some form of harassment online, as opposed to 34 percent of white internet users.

"You have to make a conscious decision about whether Twitter is still adding value," Rutledge says. The difficult part is that "value" is entirely subjective, and it's hard to make (good) decisions when our brain isn't working at full capacity. A recent study from the University of Chicago found that "the mere presence of one’s own smartphone reduces available cognitive capacity." And a recent New Republic article asked journalists whether they could live without Twitter. The answer was uniformly "no," although many people acknowledged that life without Twitter would be "better." It reminds me of the apostle Paul's words about sin in the letter to the Romans: "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."

In 1855, the poet Walt Whitman sent Ralph Waldo Emerson a copy of his newly published collection of poetry, Leaves of Grass. "I find it the most extraordinary piece of wit and wisdom that America has yet contributed," Emerson wrote to him. "I greet you at the beginning of a great career, which yet must have had a long foreground somewhere, for such a start." Emerson saw in Whitman’s moving poetry the long and careful career of devoted practice that had gone before.

Some years later, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said Leaves of Grass was one of the most influential books in his career, comparing its “efficiency” to great programming. It didn’t seem to strike Dorsey as ironic that Whitman took years to craft the efficiency of language that Dorsey praised. Dorsey called Whitman a “total entrepreneur,” looking, as many of us do, for the presence of his own values in the person he admired. And that is one of the reasons people are drawn to Twitter—it gives them access to the inner lives of people they would otherwise never interact with. But in so doing, they may also start to fear that they will never become the person they want to be—never be as smart or prolific or original or beautiful as the composite of people they follow. That gap is where anxiety thrives.

In the meantime, I'm itching to know what's going on in the world. Who knows what's happened since I started writing? Is there some new political scandal? Has someone tweeted something outrageous? How am I adding up to the people I follow? I know I could wait. I could go for a walk, or read a book, or take a bath. But I think I'll check. Just one more time.

from Health News And Updates https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2017/07/how-twitter-fuels-anxiety/534021/?utm_source=feed

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ionecoffman · 7 years

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How Twitter Fuels Anxiety

Don't tell Ralph about Twitter.

Article source here:The Atlantic

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virginia-werewoolf · 7 years

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hello!!!! so here is a life update for the first time in like a month

it is mid summer break rn and all of my vacations are out of the way finally. i say ‘finally’ because so far summer has felt a little less relaxed than id like it to be - my vacations were lovely but i am very much looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, showering in my own shower, and just seeing my best friends that are leaving oh so soon either up north or to the tippy tip of florida!!

seattle was every bit as enchanting as i dreamt it’d be and i fell under its spell the second i got out of that train - even at 2am after a 35 hour train ride and what i could only describe as a hell of a trip to the station. i always feel homesick on vacation but lemme tell you i couldve stay in that city forever.

this most recent trip to california was not as dreamy but quite sweet in its own way. it was a typical family trip - the kind i’ve been taking for years. our cousin bailed on taking us to six flags but we did get to explore downtown los angeles a lot - we went to the last bookstore, little damage (cute but so OBVIOUSLY GENTRIFICATION??? do not recommend going more than once. felt very guilty. bought from like 12 little food carts to make my conscious a little clearer and also just because they’re my favorite part of LA), and the broad where we got to see the infinity mirrored room!! we also went to the most adorable italian restaurant the day we spent at newport that i just fell in love with. our trip was a day shorter than expected so no luck with the broken relationship musuem - but my fingers are crossed for a trip to california with my reno-bound friends so hopefully we’ll catch it or the neon musuem in glendale then. but i am also just excited to see them more this summer now that i’m home for the summer for good. i’ve missed them - especially during this last trip to cali - and am so pumped to see them even if it’s just our regular trips to coffee or cute lil restaurants!!

bailey leaves first though so i’m throwin her a lil goin away party on the 31st. we’re goin to be pen pals when she’s in cali and i’m SO excited bc how frickin cute is that!!! just a lil something sweet to always be lookin forward to. plus it gives me a reason to buy cute stationery hehe who knew college would transform me into a studyblr girl????

i’ll need to get/make vincent and ni-ni cute going away gifts for their apt/dorms up there too but they’re not leavin til a bit later so i’ve got time. but i have MONEY NOW WHICH IS SO COOL. for so long my life has just been a cycle of having to pay my family back for everything thats been goin on lately. and now im free!!! and have the time to cook and read my books and everything i’ve been dreaming of for so long

on a bit of a negative note though i have been feeling so incredibly angry lately. ppl have rly treated me so badly lately and i’m so sick of it and i’m so sick of a lot of what i see online on snap and twitter and instagram that i just deleted instagram altogether and deleted basically everyone except my bffs off snap and am really contemplating deleting twitter soon too - its just hard bc like hello?? memes?? but i feel like so much of my self esteem has come from how my feed is lookin at that point in time and like how wild is that??? that is not the kind of life i want to live!!! also: my family doesnt ever want to take me out to drive ever. very annoying. i just want to learn already. ive had my permit for 7 months. but maybe now that things have simmered down things will get better. we’ll have to see.

but altogether i’m not really complaining. lifes alright right now. im enrolled in all my classes for fall semester. im sorta on the hunt for a new job but not too stressed about it. ill have to fill out some scholarship paperwork in the next few weeks but its not so bad considering. lifes alright.

#personal

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