#im actually pretty upset about that
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so it's either crammed under one of the seats in my car, it fell out in the parking lot when I dropped them off (never getting it back lol) or one of them decided to take it home and pretend to not have it as a prank and tbh I would lose a lot of trust and respect for them because what the fuck
#im actually pretty upset about that#this day is so fucking cursed. i had fun like every moment but ive been getting tormented at every turn and this is bithering me the most#like all those awkward and shitty interactions i had were short lived. if that jacket is gone im not getting it back and its like a double#family hand me down and besides that it was just a great jacket#please let tomorrow be somewhat normal and chill i need to recover <3
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I'm thinking about telling my parents that I'm changing my name today.... wish me luck ig
#just blahs#my moms been out of town for the last little while so im just waiting til she gets home#probably a little bit after that so she can unpack everything too#but anyways#im pretty sure my parents will be mostly chill about it . the only question is will they decide to use aether or try to talk me out of it#who knows#but like . i do know that nothing bad is like . *actually* gonna happen . like i know they probably wont get like . upset w me#idk but im nervous even though i know itll be alright#i hate coming out#nonbinary#agender#genderqueer#pangender
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trying not to defend a fictional character cuz someone said theyre actually irredeemably evil and deserve to die challenge: impossible
#like i have no reason to get this upset but! i think if you give a FICTIONAL character so little grace for change-#you must not give real ppl much grace either because real human failings have real world consequences so its harder to forgive yes?#ANYWAY#like im actually really loving and chill but girl youre talking about my little meow meow and you say he needs to die?#izzy hands#and the thing is that eds done some pretty bad stuff too.eh but you like him right so whats the difference here babe?#also i love all the characters so its not like im the type attacking other ppls favs. so that makes it feel unbalanced#same thing happened with#kylo ren#so im used to it but that doesnt mean that it doesnt annoy me after the 100th post saying it. i get it you hate the villain very unique of
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the forest looks like heaven today i woke up feeling the heaviest weight at the top of my heart
#yesterday on the study they said they were dating two others and it was going well and i cant imagine fucking you but#you have great tits. they got upset at me not inviting them to a party. my research partner told me to write a 1000 word essay on why they#should come. they spoke about how much they wanted theiir ex and they wouldnt tell me much about who theyre dating bc#they thought i still had feelings for them which. god. theyre right but the assumption is so arrogant#the streams r rly beautiful im walking to a date and shes gorgeous and some of my friends know her but i look#exactly like ive slept on my friends floor for the past few days so . aaa anyway#god after that whole call i just felt so deflated like i felt over it but now its all . back. like seeing them being happy w smn else#inflicts active misery upon me which means ii think im becoming a worse person bc of them. i called my friend and i just . idk i walked home#i kept wanting to weep but . woah the sun is so pretty#there are petals and dandelion seeds floating in the air#med school students walking to their lectures#she does biochem btw. the person im meeting now#there are two butterflies dancing together. i cant make this shit up the past few days have looked like actual heaven#ive spent them being on survival mode and not even bc of my studies like ok focus on log functions while the person kn the screen#tells u abt how if her ex were to call shed fold immediately and the new girl is a singer and its going well and maybe ill tell you#more abt it in a few months. SO YOU KNOW IT HURTS ! SO WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME YOUD MAKE OUT W ME AT THE CLUB WHY WOULD U FALL ASLEEP NEXT TO#ME WITHOUT CLOTHES ON ! WHY WOULD YOU CARESS YOUR OWN SKIN LOOKING AT ME IN THE MIRROR !!!!#anyway im like . sane.#i just . felt like it was over#i realised i kept seeing ppl who i thought were more attractive etc etc than her bc i needed to prove to myself#that im attractive enough to be liked or that i can be liked at all and a part of me wanted to prove it to them too#its just a horrible mindset to have and yh not only do they not care but they also bring out the worst in me actively like . I DONT KNOW#BUT THEN WHO ELSE KNOWS THAT THE GOLDEN HOURS IN TEHRAN ARE PINK AND LILAC WHO GOES TO TECHNO RAVES AT THE BASE OF DAMAVAND#WHO CAN PIN YOU AGAINST A WALL LIKE THEM !!!#anyway#standing up it just feels so#exhausting#like this the most exhausted ive felt from all this ever
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there's a lot of things people blame for why fandoms feel like ghost towns these days, but no one's really talked about the way discord's contributing to it
#its like#people are trying to force fit discord's chatrooms into forum boards#except discord is just. really really *really* poorly setup for that#and theres no way to archive or share it so everything said in it is easily lost despite personal export or community pins or search option#and like#vaguely hearing about the way some people are unsatisfied with them/feeling unfufilled in the response to them#a lot of people would be better off posting those things to places like tumblr#where there isnt a time limit on when people see or respond to them#part of what's scary/frustrating on tumblr rn is some fandoms arent good about reblogging to posts or tag rambling#like with bad buddy a large part of the fun was the enthusiastic and in depth tag rambles and the way responses built on each other#vs something like kinnporsche which feels much more like-oriented#like? its not like theres any one way to fandom#and there's nothing actually wrong with likes or quiet reblogs#but vaguely hearing about the way some people were/are really upset with some servers im just kinda like#idk#feels a bit like people trying to force a square thru a circle or that they're looking in the wrong spaces for what they want#.......this is not a complaint for my space ajkds i think i've carved out a pretty happy space for myself!#im just checking the reblog graphs of some old vs new stuff and thinking about a convo other cookie and i were having over the weekend#i have a lot of friends around and i love everyone who's happy to ramble with me#but i do feel a slight case of DM burnout rn where mostly people reach out to me via DMs instead of reblogs#which is a very different dynamic#its like. hmmm words#i love DMs but the pressure of responding to a lot of individual messages#vs something like reblogs which is more open forum for everyone and feels more communal#if that makes sense?#the difference between visiting one person at home vs casually hanging out with a group at a cafe#and the lovely thing about tumblr specifically is that i can set down a reblog chain for several days if i need#before returning to it later when i have more time/energy#its got Longevity that discord lacks u know#........okay enough tag musings from me ajkfhjdgfhj BYE
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following up from My Body Is Being Concerning, today i learned that i am in fact capable of experiencing a panic attack so severe that i faint
#sorry for talking about this im just. Processing. bc wtf was that#but also when u think about it... pretty metal right#i know this sounds very sucky but like. there are other good things happening in my life so it kinda offsets This#im upset and a bit shaken that this happened as an Isolated Incident#but like. im drawing lots right now! and feeling good about that. so it's okay. but wtf#maybe will delete this later? my brain still feels fuzzy#hopefully the last post of this genre for a while i dont like the vibe it's been bringing to ladynoir brainrot blog#i think it's weird because there's like a LOT of pressure im experiencing in most parts of my life rn which clearly seem to be taking a toll#but the one thing im actually consciously spending time on (art and writing) has been going well. so i feel like. i at least have This#idk why i feel like this is necessary to post#i guess it just helps to know that y'all know that there r weird things afoot behind the url because it feels less like i have to be alone#with it#♡alizeh talks♡#vent#panic attack mention
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People when fucked up media is actually Fucked Up and not just "haha silly little gremlin makes SEX JOKE?!?!🤯 so DEVIOUS..."
#mercy talks#this is about many things tbh#LIKE. idk it just makes me mad when ppl say they like darker or more depressing media and turn their nose up when its a character actually#being a bad person and doing bad things . like yeah thats what you came here for what did you expect#of course im not asking people to subject themselves to possibly upsetting/triggering media because its “”better“” or wtv#nor am i trying to police ppl for what they like#but idk.. just dont be surprised to find Fucked Up Thing in the Fucked Up Thing Store#its hard to verbalize myself but i hope u get it . i dont want tgis to sound like a braindead take Although I wouldn't be posting it if#i thought it did#some art is not meant to be pretty. some art isnt even meant to be art at all#because sometimes these things are not artistic or beautiful in any way#anyway mercy out!!
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l'eclisse (1962) / dir. michelangelo antonioni
#GRAAAAAHHHHJ#im actually really REALLY upset about how amazing every single project alain takes up ends up being fucking amazing#my initial infatuation with him was never justified because he isn't JUST a pretty face#he knows what he's fucking doing!!!!! and he's talented as shit on top of it!!!!!!!!#like none of his stuff ive seen so far have been generic or bad or boring#this one was straight up experimental!!!!!!! and it wasn't even amazingly popular or anything in its time#like sure he's a fucking european cinema star in a very revolutionary time for european film#ofc he's bound to take up something experimental eventually#but when i say that EVERYTHING he's been in hasn't been a caricature of a single project im being so for real#im upset. im elated. im.#side note but i can tell he takes direction really well lol
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JUST REMEMBERED THE FIRST TIME I EVER GOT DUMPED. CRYING…
#i was actually crying at the time but in retrospect possibly one of the funniest things thats ever happened to me#they were breaking up with me and i started crying and they were like (judgementally) are you CRYING?#i was like yes??? youre breaking up with me?#like i wasnt devastated or anything it did not feel like the end of the world but i was getting dumped and i was upset abt it so i was#crying. i thought this was very normal of me but apparently they did not agree#and then a few days later i was like hey are you doing ok. like i know were not together anymore but you were having a hard time and im#worried about you. and instead of being like ‘yeah im fine thanks for asking’ or ‘i dont think i can do just friends sorry’ they just#blocked me on everything and i never heard from them ever again <3#WAIT AND THEY DIDNT EVEN DUMP ME PROPERLY. THEY SAID WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK#pretty funny tbh#mine
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assigning a character the highest honour like *adds go home by julien baker to their playlist*
#and by honour i mean pointing at them like TRAUMATISED! TRAUMATISED! TRAUMATISED!#like yeah relating to this song is a red flag actually. yeah it's one of the most personal songs in the world to me#and i actively am not allowed to listen to it some days bc it makes me significantly worse#even if im in a GOOD mood because of the layers upon layers of emotions ive associated with it#yeah i literally wont even blorbo post to this song even if it's accurate to a character because it's so personal#so they have to be REALLY FUCKING SPECIAL AND FUCKED IN THE HEAD to get this honour. enter touya#i made him a playlist im going crazy like yeah actually of course i was always gonna be weird about him#like he's got fire themes. he's got body horror. he just wanted to be good. he's ethel cain coded. he's georgia coded#he's got mommy AND daddy AND sibling issues. he's the only other character ive let even come close to mary on a cross#he's a waiting room girlie. he's an archer girlie. im tearing my hair the fuck out of my scalp#why does the first character ive latched onto this hard since CHUUYA have to be from mha of all things#like that's embarassing for me im embarassed to be here. and yet#touya todoroki#the thing that makes me sick about touya is yes the abuse he went through via his quirk and his dad etc etc#but also bc sekota peak happened when he was 13 right? and he's 24 now? that's 11 years unaccounted for#like ik it's confirmed his burns put him in a coma for 3 years and all for one and the dr guy just stapled his stubborn self together#which is something else i will YELL MY HEAD OFF ABOUT WHAT THE FUCKKKKK HE WAS A CHILD STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT#but im pretty sure it's confirmed that after 3 years he goes off again on his own? which still leaves him as a teenager?#like he straight up burns himself alive at 13 wakes up at 16 and reappears at 24 with dyed hair and piercings and a bad attitude#and im not supposed to wonder? or get upset? like i absolutely am leaning into the 'he was on the streets' angle bc i hate myself#and that's devastating and also what alternative is there logically like he has NOTHING#no home no money no name that he can feasibly use not even an appearance that will warrant anything but more cruelty#so youve got this child on the streets with injuries that absolutely cause insane amounts of pain daily he's literally STAPLED together#and he's completely alone and the only thing getting him through is this growing hatred and rage#like id set all my plans around killing the guy that put me there too actually just to fucking get me out of bed in the morning#I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. WHERE WAS HE FOR THE PAST DECADE. HORIKOSHI PLEASE#I WANNA GO HOME IM SICK THERES MORE WHISKEY THAN BLOOD IN MY VEINS MORE TAR THAN AIR IN MY LUNGS#PIERCE MY SKIN NEEDLES TO WORN OUT RAGS THE FOLDS IN MY ARMS THE SICKENING BLACK AND I HAVENT BEEN TAKING MY MEDS#I KNOW MY BODY IS JUST DIRTY CLOTHES IM TIRED OF WASHING MY HANDS GOD I WANT TO GO HOME
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i uh. scratched my car pretty bad lol
#liveblogging life#the parking lot for my new apartment has a VERY narrow entrance#and uh turning into it is a little tricky???? idk why since i managed it fine so far#but today i think i turned a LITTLE too closely and ended sliding along the pole right by the entrance#and now i've got these long scratches down my back right door whoops#like. they're pretty noticable.#no damage and i didn't dent anything i think???#so im like. well i wasn't planning to resell the car anyway so i honestly dont really care that much#but on the other hand it's kind of embarrassing to have evidence of my shitty driving on display like that lol#and my dad's going to be soooo upset about it way more than i am lmao#i dont really want to spend a ton of money getting it fixed but they're definitely deep enough they'll need a repaint#i ordered some paint touch up & maybe i can just like... sort of help it so it's not quick immediately obvious???#idk man it's a bummer but im also kind of like /shrug about it too you know? im more surprised it took me this long to ding it lmao#actually i think i might have dented my car a lil bit bc the bottom right panel is like. slightly loose now#idk idk i dont really have the money to spare to get it fixed if it's going to be expensive so im kind of handwaving it right now tbh
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#ok i will say smth abt it bc im a little pissed hehe#and verito is not answering my texts so now u all have to hear it#im not self absorbed enough to believe i know what's best for phoebe or if she planned it or not or whatever#the way she announced it seems she's pretty excited so good for her#but honestly some of the takes i've seen on here...#people in their middle/late 20s calling this 19 year old girl an idiot#saying that she must not know the difference between her vagina and her urethra#that louis must be soo disappointed and that he didn't pay and expensive school for her to get pregnant (????????)#do u guys hear yourselves what the actual fuck#ofc teen pregnancy is an issue worldwide but is this really the hill you're gonna die on?? that it's all the girl's fault bc she's stupid??#u sound like a 50 yo congressman wtf is the actual matter with you#people i've seen joking about how long until her bf leaves her...#i literally encourage u to seek help it is not normal to lack empathy in this way and to be so cruel to a person who has#literally done nothing to you#also louis can pay for whatever school he likes he still doesn't have the right to decide over his little sister's body?? do u guys#hear yourselves be so real with me rn#also how do u even know he's upset??#tfw some of u think u know louis.. it's insane#i literally am in shock at some of the things i had to read today#i really hope you are not in any field where people come to you for help#especially girls especially young girls#you guys are insane lmao#that's all <33#shut up laura
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i can't find the motivation to keep going guys!! i think i lost it a while ago but i didn't notice lol i think it probably slipped that time i lost my wallet? idk
#*insert gif of John Travolta in Pulp Fiction*#sitting in my desk looking at my past and my potential future wishing i didn't have to live any part of the 💫human experience💫#can i pretty please quit? 👉🏻👈🏻#can i get a good fking reason for why everything is so hard?#and at the end of this existential crisis i still have to do the work#and keep going as if i wasn't literally dying inside which every decision im forced to make#my sociology professor talked a lot about “liberty to choose”#and i was like???#i can't choose shit my guy#we don't have the power to choose#the moment we're born we're placed in our respective boxes of expectations and obligations#plus the fact that all these studies on society and culture is based in “ideal types” almost a utopia of how society actually works#and im like🧍🏻♀️#how can i sit and read about all this and regurgitate it in an exam#do a presentation with a smile about how 💫with the power of love and a sense of community we can help those in need💫#im honestly so tired of pretending#AND I DON'T EVEN DO A GOOD JOB PRETENDING#im very obviously upset lmao#idk im sad#and tired#so so so tired#i wanna go to sleep#read a fic#listen to some music#and pretend my vote counts for fking something#when it clearly doesn't
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Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post
Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight
#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine#and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out”#so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao#am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now#I'm just questioning something about someone#sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot#even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay.#because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before.#but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in#i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong-#-again and if i need to hear another drama again#it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much#maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it?#i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess?#i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now#i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now)#i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something#i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore#okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight#mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red#alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages#(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)
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ffxiv garlemald discourse is so funny because people will go "ugh people just cant stand it when things aren't black and white" and then you look at how the empire are portrayed in stormblood and shadowbringers and its like hm. that seems like a pretty intense and accurate display of violent imperialism to me! Wow I wonder why people in this day and age may find it hard to feel sympathy for them or even hate them on principal. god its such a mystery.
the games like 50/50 to me on how it tackles these themes because I actually like the garlemald arc in EW, I think it has a lot of horrific and powerful scenes depicting how self destructive fascist propaganda and beliefs are, but I also think it doesn't go far enough on some fronts. the garleans' xenophobia is most notably and obstacle to getting them to accept the contingent's help, which is what they're there to do,
but there's never an admission of harm from any garleans on the uuuuuuuuh massive amount of war crimes the nations around them are still suffering from they're just kind of like "we misjudged you...but you actually wanted to help us all along" like yeah thats great now can we get you all some deprogramming because you keep talking about returning to your prime and glory days and I think we need to unpack some stuff you really SHOULDNT return to. im not even really talking about EW proper but the patches where things are a bit more chilled out and people are recovering.
It feels like they wanted to have their critique of imperialism and also have things end with the beauty of human connection and reaching out and these things just don't mesh well because hey a lot of your modern day audience is not gonna like having to treat people yelling xenophobic things at the cast and your character with kid gloves after you showed them hours and hours of the awful things these people's beliefs have done. especially in the present day hoo boy.
#im kind of torn between 'no characters dont need to be 'punished' to be redeemed but also the characters just being so lenient with the#colonizers after we see far too many people being lenient if not supportive of the colonizers irl. well. it really blows afslkjfalkf and#yeah you can argue if they'd gone through with the garlemald expansion they would've had more time to go into this but the fact is that its#absent from what they did do and I especially think the patches when we go to garlemald and the EW role quests going 'hey maybe the#provinces can help us rebuild' as if they'd have any goddamn right to ask that just make me feel like they didnt stick the landing#seeing all the characters who have suffering time and time again bc of the garleans or seen the results of their actions having to clamp#their mouths shut every time someone said something xenophobic in EW isnt satisfying and it leaves so much unsaid!#also some people feel like the narrative didnt blame emet enough but ngl I think thats reductive even with his micromanaging scheming littl#ass and the intention of garlemald turning out a shitshow that doesnt make anyone else less complicit. most governments like this exaggerat#and lie and spread propaganda but I dont think most people here excuse the actions of a bigot because 'they were raised that way'#this is also my issue with gaius' writing. hes primarily upset that ascians were behind what he thought was his good old fashioned natural#conquering ideology :( and doesnt it suck so much he killed people for it. like yeah he seems pretty aware what he did was wrong but his#ideology remains bizarrely intact and unchallenged by the characters around him. no dude it wasnt just the ascians the system is a lot more#complex than that by this point aaaaaugh#final fantasy xiv#ffxiv#siren says#I hope people are nice to me about this I dont think I said anything particularly controversial to the Tumblr crowd (twt maybe but fuck em)#ig my main point with this post is that the game isnt perfect at writing this and also that look. I actually liked the main arc in EW and I#like quite a few garlean characters but I completely understand why others didnt like it or any garleans esp if they have their own persona#experiences with colonialism and I dont get to tell them they're invalid for that. too many people get judgmental about this understandably#upsetting topic and you just gotta accept that this is a big line for many people
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Mmm Jeanne
#servants cant learn new stuff (i'll talk about jalter in a second) therefore#jeanne shouldnt know how to read or write#we actually Dont get a confirmation that she can do those things in summer 3. because the book that jalter thought jeanne wrote#was actually Her own book#jeanne works with marie. maybe she comes up with the ideas and does rough drawings that marie would be Delighted to bring to life#marie reads to jeanne is my image#jalter taught herself how to read and write and i think that was possible because of the unstability of her existence#if you try to teach jeanne how to read and write it will stick for a second but if like idk 15-20 min pass she would likely find herself#unable to read again and her writting to be suboptimal#she can sign her own name ofc thats historical#she can recite the bible from memory iirc#i love jalter's ability to be her own person even if it comes with the fact that she is very much. an ephemeral dream#like her FCKING SKILL IS CALLED.#WHY MUST YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS FGO#anyway. now jeanne again but physical#oughhh thank u for the support in the tags when i said jeanne should have self image issues because she looked different in life#i hadnt fully talked bout it i just went with hair but yeah. i need to check again because im pretty sure her body wasnt Suuuper different#but i just gotta confirm#but im just so i love the idea of her just not liking the way she manifested abd not knowing Why she manifested like that#when there are Countless depictions of her with her short brown hair#sieg looks to the side whistling (its not his fault but he knows the pseudo servant part#and its probably a mix of . fate apocrypha's manifestation and of how some people imagined jeanne looked like#but it still upsets her#not that she'd ever complain to people#you can probably get it out of her tho#unrelated and only to those who reached this far: im thinking of a singularity set in 15th century orleans in the Middle of the hundred year#war. but the difference aint “oh jeanne d'arc came back to life evil” rather than “there seems to be a battle here where it shouldnt and oh#my god is that jeanne- oh god jeanne d'arc fucking died--#and chaldeas has to try and fix the war without living breathing jeanne d'arc#actually thats not the middle of the 100yearwar but yknow what i mean. also haha jk unless...
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