#im also really hoping ill have the time/energy to be active on here when the bear s2 comes out

[divine17]

soooo... what if i told you guys i'll be posting a 4k+ word joel miller nsfw alphabet sometime soon...

[hongtiddiez]

last twilight e3 thoughts feelings etc

so in the past ive watched the episodes and digested them and come back and rewatched to put together my thoughts but im kinda crunched for time today and have a mountain of work to do sooo i'm just gonna do this in one sitting and i'm so sorry if it's not as good or as coherent as what i usually deliver aaa. it's also going to be a bit longer than normal probably but i'll try to cut down on stuff that seems unnecessary or maybe just too obvious to comment on.

OH ITS STILL REALLY LONG EVEN WITH EDITING I'M SO SORRY.

oh them being playful with each other is everything to me. oh my god and Mhok learned, he listened to Porjai and he learned to organize and clean and do things with Day as an active participant so he knows where everything is and is taking control of his own life. oh we're only 3 minutes in and i'm emotional, okay.

i do love that we get to see the way Day has isolated himself and that while his family haven't helped there's also a large part of it that is his doing. ive said it before but when you're newly disabled it can be so so easy to isolate yourself. hell, i've been diagnosed for almost 10 years and i still do it from time to time as my condition worsens because it's hard. there are so many questions you have to answer, there's the anxiety of not knowing if people are going to be accommodating to your needs, and sometimes it takes twice or even three times the energy it used to take before because every action is a little harder now. it can be terrifying to put yourself out there again and you will lose friends in the process. there will be people that don't understand, that find you to be an inconvenience, that won't make accommodations for you, and it will hurt every time but saying goodbye to those people is always ultimately for the better - but it doesn't make it hurt less. as much as i'd love the realism of it, i hope we don't have to see Day go through that.

Day's story about his friend is interesting, too. he says he doesn't want to be pitied by his friends but the thing is. they just did that, they accommodated their friend, and from the sound of it they did it without judgement. so why couldn't it be the same for him? it just shows more of his anxiety and his fear.

"i felt like my life was worthless. all i saw in people's eyes was insult."

screaming. crying. throwing up. i don't need to say anything about this but i thought you all should know it made me ill.

"once i'm ready you'll be the first to get my invitation card." Porjai and Mhok's friendship means so so fucking much to me.

here's the thing, my best friend and i dated in high school, we were 16 and fucking stupid and toxic and our home lives were shit and we took it out on each other and we made each other fucking miserable by the end of things. we didn't talk again for over five years. it took time to come back together, to heal and accept our own faults in what went wrong. we stumbled here and there as we came back together but now? almost 10 years later i don't know what i'd do without him. that's my platonic soulmate, that's the one person besides my husband i can share anything with. fuck, he knows more about my life than my husband does because he was there to see me at my worst, at the scariest point in my life where i almost wasn't around anymore to see tomorrow. that kind of friendship is so fucking special, i cannot even properly put it into words, and for Mhok to keep that? to have that with Porjai? i'm so fucking glad he has that. i'm so glad he got to keep his platonic soulmate.

small aside, i love that Mhok consistently announces himself to Day. it's a little action but it's so considerate. he's honestly doing such an incredible job.

Day puts his sunglasses on like armor; like they can shield him from the judging stares or looks of pity he can't see. maybe someday he won't need them, not because his heart has hardened to take the blows, but maybe because he knows Mhok is by his side. because remember - it's the way they look at us.

"i heard you wanted to take time off and focus on badminton" Night i'm going to drown you in your own toilet. this is just furthering my thoughts from episode 2 that Night is ashamed of his brother and his condition, or perhaps that the family is trying to hide his condition for some fucking stupid reason.

the bravery it took Day to come here and admit whats happening to his is huge, but i'm also in love with the admissions admin saying sure, you can have time off, but you're not allowed to quit. you're not allowed to give up on yourself.

"we must live with hope, Day" and that's it. you have to. you just have to. every day is going to be so hard and so much, you'll have good and bad days, but at least in all those days you'll have hope. and maybe someday that hope won't be for new eyes. maybe that hope will turn into acceptance, into determination, into pride at what you've accomplished in spite of it all. in my opinion, hope is an amazing fuel but it's not sustainable, it's just a vehicle to get you to where you need to be.

Mhok asking a blind man for a tour, oh fuck fuck fuckfuckufkcufk-- Mhok essentially saying show me your world exactly as you remember it, let me in. see how things have changed and how they've remained the same and do it with me by your side.

THE WAY MHOK SHIELDS HIM AT THE LIBRARY. DAY DOESN'T NEED TO WEAR HIS SUNGLASSES LIKE ARMOR BECAUSE MHOK IS BY HIS SIDE AS HIS SHIELD. chewing my own arm off brb.

"and you also have me. nothing to be afraid of" because i will always shield you, i will always protect you, i will stand by your side AAAA--

on part 3/4 now, i promise i'll shut the fuck up soon. if you've read this far pls take this as a smooch checkpoint, i'm giving you a little forehead smooch. have you had any water today? taken your meds? relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw.

ok back to it - Mhok continuously having Day make his own selections in these various machines. Day's fate is in his hands, he can do these things himself, but Mhok will be there with him the whole way.

"my eyes don't work well but my legs do just fine." this is such a massive leap from the man that wouldn't even leave his bedroom, from the man that was suffocating in his environment. Day is no longer a dying man, a shambling corpse. he is an active participant in his own life again.

"stay close to me, that's all i need" bitch i'm gonna throw up, you can't just hit me with that after that's all i've been saying this whole time what the fuck.

OH FUCK ME. okay. alright. hang on. so when they enter the shop Mhok describes it to Day, explains where the jeans are, where the shirts are, asks him what to do and what he wants to take a look at. this is a direct antithesis of Night in episode 1 asking where Day was going to wait for him, where he could leave him so he could get his shit done. Day isn't being asked to wait, to just sit idle while life passes him by, he's being asked what he wants to do, where he wants to go, what he wants to see. FUUUUUCK. and knowing Mhok is doing this because Day expressed that he liked dressing nicely? how the fuck am i supposed to just go to my job like a normal person after this episode.

wow the shirt buttoning scene just made me so mentally ill. right now, Mhok is doing his job. he's helping Day get dressed. but someday? someday this could be Mhok dressing Day not because he needs him to help but simply because Mhok likes doing to for Day. there's the sensuality of caring for your partner, of running your hands over the planes of their shoulders, of skimming your fingers down their chest to pluck every button. it's an exploration and a declaration of love. if we get this again in a future scene and it's something like that please remember me fondly because i will perish.

at the bookstore Mhok recognizing Day doesn't want to wait, but Day has become so accustomed to the other people in his life telling him what to do that he falls back into that behavior - but Mhok doesn't let him. he prioritizes Day's needs and desires, even if it's something as little as finding a book, without being asked.

THE LAST PAGE IS MISSING.

(because one can't see his future and the other can't see in the future, but also because they'll make their own ending, they'll face that when they get there, but they'll do it together -- what if i lost my shit completely of it?)

when Mhok leaves Day to get him a drink the camera is focused on Day and the clear warring emotions on his face but if you look in the background Mhok hesitates, he stops and turns a few times to look at day. he's reluctant to leave him and worried. Mhok worries so much but it's always so understated or in the background, covered by the emotions of others he values above himself. (or overlooked because of 'what type of person he is')

while its anxiety inducing i do enjoy this regression of behavior because adapting to a new life is hard. you will regress, you will stumble, you will fall into old habits or sometimes old fears will return. its what you do after that that is important. the one thing i hope doesn't happen is i hope this doesn't cause a rift with Porjai. i think Mhok needs her right now, maybe not forever, but definitely right now.

HE PUT ON THE FUCKING SHIRT. THE FUCKING SHIRT DAY COULD SEE FROM MARS. OH MY GOD. i know this doesn't need to be commented on, i know it's obvious, but FUUUUCK.

Day's mom trying to weaponize Mhok's past and Mhok taking the ammunition from her hands and telling Day himself. the acceptance of the past and the determination to move on and grow from it. Day's refusal to let the past repeat itself with a new caretaker. whoo boy.

and again Day wants to see Mhok, because even bruised and battered Mhok is worth seeing.

if the last episode ends with "sweet dreams/good night" i will be burying myself alive, thanks.

THE PINK SHIRT RUINING HIS BAD BOY IMAGE BECAUSE IT IS BEING RUINED. HE'S MOVING ON, HE'S GROWING, HE'S BECOMING A NEW PERSON. FUCK OFF.

i'm so so sorry this was so long, every episode makes me feel more and more things and makes me analyze shit more and more.

tagging @benkaaoi and @callipigio as requested (if you want to be added to my last twilight meta tag list just let me know!)

[natsmagi]

hello c:

Since you’re like, the only switch based account I actively follow, and I lowkey want to get to know the unit better since they’re slowly growing on me thanks to lantern on eng, do you have any switch stories/translations that could help me get to know them better? Unit events, character side stories etc! I hope this isnt too demanding of a request,,, thank you in advance !!

HII its no problem at all!! ideally u'd wanna read all the stories to get the fullest grasp, but ill let u know which ones i find to be most important aswell as some personal favs!

TO GET IT OUT OF THE WAY FIRST, here is a chronological order of all the switch stories along with their wiki link if u wanna read them in order of events! (note that some do not have wiki TL's (primarily some !! stories), and ull have to find them either on twitter or tumblr)

!-era

Element

Easter Night

Haunted Dollhouse

Sunshower Festa

Pleiades Night

Brilliant Star Air Force

Magical Halloween

Blood Banquet

Fortune Banquet

Wonder Game

!!-era (in order of release)

King of Thieves

Next Door

Magic Lantern

SHINSEKAI

Tri-Lights

Cruise

the stories i think are MOST crucial to read are Element, Pleiades Night and Wonder Game, these stories consist of their more critical story beats, BUT! i do HIGHLY recommend reading at least some other stories aswell before reading wonder game, as i feel the story hits harder when you have a clearer grasp on the characters and their relationships. but the choice is yours!

some personal favs are Sunshower Festa and Blood Banquet. theyre fun silly stories that feature the members relationships with the members of 2wink, undead, and shu! sora is also at center of these! i also really enjoy Haunted Dollhouse, which features valkyrie!

for character side stories, here are some that i enjoy!

Everyone Has Their Secrets (Tsumugi Idol Story featuring Kaoru) (THIS ONE IS SO FUNNY PELASE READ IT ITS JUST ONE CHAPTER)

Meikyoushisui (Natsume Gacha Story, very silly and fun)

Class Live (2A Event Story, very cute. has insane tsumugi cameo too. got tha yaoibait)

Date Plan (i fucking love date plan.)

i havent had alot of time nor energy to read that many stories outside of the main switch ones, so im sure there are more treasures that im just unaware of, so feel free to explore them yourself!

UMM THATS ALL I CAN THINK OF ATM!! again i do highly recommend reading as many stories as possible, but if you cant do that i hope i at least offered a good enough starting ground!! and feel free to read anything that catches your eye!! create your own fun little reading experience!! spread the switch love!!

*I FORGOT NEXT DOOR OOPS. ILL UPDATE THIS IF I REMEMBER OTHER STORIES TOO ALONG THE WAY

[lunachats]

finally making real strides on Not being financially dependent on my parents by doing a little bit of work every day and. and geez! it really does feel like im having to employ every trick in the book here to maintain a steady work pace. like im using everything ive learned about my mind and body over the past most-of-a-decade. all in the service of getting an admittedly very small amount of work done on a daily basis.

like, i gotta make sure to do a lil exercise. to stave off the sadness. oh and of course i have to eat well. gotta get the right balance of carbs and protein to maintain my energy and avoid sugar crashes. and i gotta also eat an actual healthyish meal once a day or so, cause too much frozen or fast food has physical & mental health impacts i cant really afford. daily meditation is important. reduced anxiety and increased focus are indispensible for this project! it has to be the right type of meditation tho. if i focus too hard i start to get lil panic attacks, or whatever you wanna call it when anxiety prevents me from functioning. oh and there's also the Void. very different from sadness and anxiety. still kinda learning to manage that one. but i think i have to feed it enriching activities to keep the dread of meaninglessness away. origami, playing catch with myself, browsing the indie web. this one's more complicated than the others, but i think i'm getting a foothold on it at least. then there's the whole system of miscellaneous tricks and coping mechanisms that feels vaguely like an additional resource management mechanic of its own. got friends on discord that can cheer me up, if they're online and emotionally present at the right time. got tulpas i can talk to and imaginary places i can visit. i can make art, too, when i have time and motivation. in leiu of other grounding strategies i can always eat a carrot, or leave the house, or neutrally observe my surroundings. out of all of these, i dont always remember which tool to use, and they dont always work the way im hoping, but there's options. and if i get one or two things wrong and reach for the right tool at the wrong time, oopsie doopsie! that's a whole half-day of productivity down the drain... i guess this is just logically what unmedicated adhd and mental illness feels like from the inside. but meds aren't really an option right now, so i guess im just gonna keep doing all of this stuff and hope that maybe in 6-10 months, when all of these habits have started to crystallize, when im thusly more in shape and my house is cleaner and ive got savings in the bank and jhana at my fingertips and an arsenal of additional time-saving kitchen utilities... well, perhaps then managing my wellness so that i can work for a living won't feel like some kinda cross between a tightrope walk and a high-stakes rts game...

[fukashiin]

rating my mutuals!

i dont have too many but it'd still be fun to rate you guys as a small bday gift from me in return for the interactions and moments I've made with you up until now <33 (if you arent here then i was too shy to mention you but i love your works tremendously!!)

@jeidoleech ⤷ KHOI !

1000/10

my first ever twst mutual on tumblr actually. you dont understand i squealed like SQUEALED when you followed me back and tagged me in your mutuals list?? i was over the moon <33 your writing style is adorable and it really butters my biscuits AND I WAS OBSESSED WITH YOUR BABY BLUE THEME WHEN I FIRST FOLLOWED YOU GOODBYE. so thank you?? for following me like?? SO much??? you were apart of the reasons why i wanted to continue writing for this fandom <3333 i cant keep up with you altering between jade and Floyd im gnna be completely honest OKAY.

@mifyu ⤷ MIFFY !

youre adorable/10

some of the sweetest people I've ever met hello??? and your themes just??? top it off???? i was super shy to ask if you wanted to become mutuals but ohmygod i wasnt expecting you to be the ballsy one. thank you for becoming mutuals with me your works are just the prettiest and im looking forward to more!! i bet if we had a competition to see who could say 'ily more' you'd win by a mile.

@iuuru ⤷ MILLIE

我愛你你你你/10

HELLO IM SO GLAD I REACHEDJ OUT TO YOU WHAT. you match my energy so well and i love that abt you??? MY CHINESE SPEAKIMG COMPANION???? the moment i clicked on your blog i just KNWEW i had to become your moot you just seemed so fun and lovable AND YOU ARE. i was able to improve my chi vocab by a little bit because of you and im genuinely so grateful?? MY FAV LEONA KISSER YOUR WORKS AND IMAGINATION IS LITERALLY IMPECCABLE ILYSM I HOPE TO SPEAK IN CHI WITH YOU SM MORE AND CRASH THE TAG LIMIT BY FAWNING OVER YOUR WORKS

@tinyletterz ⤷ REMY !

stop being so gorgeous???/10

i could use up all the synonyms for beautiful in all the languages i know and it still wouldn't be enough. your works are the prettiest???hello??? whyre they so soft and fuzzy??? u deserve all the cupcakes and cats in the world ill literally take you to the cat island. youre personality is so lovely i literally go through the whole water cycle whenever you answer my ask??? so thank you for being my mutual<33 ALSO WHAT SHOULD WE NAME OUR CAT CAFE??

newer mutuals who i'd love to know better!

your guys' personalities are amazingf and itms such an honour to be your mutual KISSES

@siphoklansan ⤷ SIPHOK !

YOUREAMAZINGATARTSTOP/10

your works. your animations. who allowed you to be that talented??? ill always remember the time you said i was lively and fun even before we became mutuals! that made my day!! youre literally some of the nicest people ive met on this app so never give up on your passion for art IM LITERKALLY GOBBLING THEJM ALL UP <3

@twistedchatterbox ⤷ NOIR !

9038839/10

i cnat believe your first interaction with me was digging up my thirst post for idia STOP. IM A CHANGED PERSON. but ohmygod youre so good at art too?? can you stop being so talented with both writing AND drawing???? but regardless im so happy to be your mutual you seem so hardworking with every work you post and i appreciate that sm?? AND I LOVE YOUR OC. SHES BEAUTIFUL;

@cupids-chamber ⤷ CUPID !

i relate to you an eerie amount/10

i couldve sworn i started hyperventilating the moment i saw you follow me????? you may not think that your crack fics are funny BUT THEY REALLY ARE??? at the same time your normal ones make me SQUEAL AND KICK MY FEET IN THE AIR IM SO TEMPTED TO GET RUN OVER BY AN ACTIVE SPEEDING BUS. and congrats on 4.35k!! i hope we interact a lot more <33

⤷ FOLLOWERS !

♾/10

FROM DECEMBER UNTIL NOW IM SO SO GRATEFUL FOR THE NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS I CURRENTLY JHAVE??? YOU GUYS READ MY WORKS AND LIKED/REBLOGGED AND ITS LITERALLY SO MUCH MORE I COULD EVER ASK FOR??????? SO I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT YOURE ALL SUPER IMPORTANT AND DEAR TO ME I LOVE YOU ALL SMM<333

[lostacelonnie]

Truly. School festival? Wild i dont think ive ever been to one of those. Not sure mine ever had them but im glad you had so much fun! Its not completely finished yet i get that done next week but its very cool i love it. I have like. 12 piercings now with still more i want. They were a slippery slope from getting two to all the ones i have & want but i hope you're able to get some in the future. I think i like my eyebrow & lip piercings best. Thats a wild difference damn. Its been sunny mostly cool days right now but we keep going from warmer days to rain/snow warnings here. Oh hell yeah congrats! Strange but positive is the best combination to have honestly. Id also love to check out carnivale if that still happens in italy or mardi gras over here down in louisiana if i had time. Just love the idea of big celebration with cool stuff. Oh sparkle is quantum support with action advance & crit damage (?) boost. She's real good for seele or many teams really. I got archeron! Just need to get her light cone but damn was she cool in the 2.1 story. Not gonna spoil if you havent played through yet. Congrats on your archeron pulls! I think i might save for topaz now & get adventurine later? I do like how he plays but ill grab him later i don't think i have use for him yet. Swarm is so annoying i gave up on it for now terrible fuckin enemies. Mood what set are you usin on archeron? I love her talent too just. Insta enemy kill what a time saver. Really did give her a great & interesting kit. Hm ill have to continue & see how complex she is. Been busy with other games & like. Cosmodyssey & the bartender event in star rail. Oh thats fun i love it keep doin that. Ohh congrats on the writing energy!

yeah school festivals are also pretty rare over here but [thanks to a complete coincidence, i didnt even Know we had those] i ended up in a school that actually organizes one JSDKFJG. would tell you what it is but i feel doxxing my school on tumblr.com is not a terribly good idea. AND HEY THATS AWESOME!!! also yeah i heard it Really Is Like That with piercings shdjfg all my friends said so at least. tbh the only reason i dont have any yet is bc when i was the age when everyone gets their first one [around 8-9 among my peers] i was very physically active and didnt wanna deal with the whole healing process while trying to not get the shit beaten out of me in aikido. so thanks!!! i REAAALLLY wanna get snake bites theyre So cool. AND FOR REAL LIKE???? can the weather Please decide what it wants to do with its life. it was literally raining the whole day today and yesterday i cannot keep dealing with this. esp since today was my first day back to school after the easter break so waiting for my bus was just. miserable. And my classbestie didnt come to school today so i guess i cant have nice things. Oh Well. and for real for real im actually so glad my school doesnt seem to have a single normal person in it because everything is just so much more. chill. and the gossip is Insane i tell you. ever since this year i befriended a bunch of cool alt girls my life had been so much more interesting because they know like everything about everyone. and oh good luck with all that!! i totally agree, tho i definitely have to be mentally prepared for such occasions. Due To The Autism. but yeah theyre SO fun. and oh that sounds like. a very good kit actually. might get her in the future but ahh i still cant quite decide who im gonna pull for next..... only time can tell i suppose. CONGRATS ON GETTING MEI #3!!!!! i maxed out her talents already [thank god for how little time that calyx takes] so i just need to get relics for her now. Auugghhhg. but i decided im just gonna wait for the triple drop event to save myself some sanity and am currently focusing on ruan mei's talents rn since i run her with acheron <- guy who has no welt and his pela is lvl 50 not built. ah thats understandable!!! i was initially Completely uninterested in aventurine but used his trial as a march replacement in my clara team and it all fits together so nicely. speaking of which i literally got clara TWICE yesterday, one pull apart, without pity on standard. the universe loves me i guess. so shes e4 now. FOR FUCKING REAL but at least using acheron in sim uni lets one skip the non boss battles so thats a massive timesaver and also makes dealing with the swarm a lot less problematic. since you only have to deal with the big guy at the end and not trouble yourself with the occasional encounter on the way. seriously tho acheron is so cracked in sim uni. she let me get the achievement for finishing every battle with all allies at 100% hp. im currently using band of sizzling thunder + inert salsotto [LOL] on her!!! as i said. scuffed but does the job for now. but im gonna get her pioneer diver of dead waters + izumo gensei and takama divine realm since i heard thats whats best on her. and yeah her kit is super fun!! and have fun with that!! honestly fair, tho im just stuck in my holy trinity of hi3 - hsr - noita. also i love the bartender event a lot both story and gameplay wise. very very cool. and thankies!!!!!!!

[fraener]

1/23/24

christmas came and went. i made a quiche with broccoli and bacon and shallots and h and i made latkes and sausages to go with. i got covid for the first time over break, two days after christmas, essentially unvaccinated since i hadn't gotten this year's shot yet. i was very sick for about 2 weeks and have been coughing since then. luckily im back to my usual level of fatigue. school started quietly and strangely, the days before my night classes erased by my anxiety about needing to conserve energy for school. im riding to the pellar's with a new person who i've decided i like. i have a classmate i want to get to know better. im feeling overwhelmed in so many ways recently and im having such a hard time concentrating and motivating. ive been cooking so much, made sukiyaki and so much miso soup and rice balls. somehow the short grain rice doesnt hurt as much as any other rice, i get a stomach ache from eating gluten free bread and stuff but not from eating japanese short grain rice. the main gallery on campus is already booked through the end of the year so if i want my stuff in there i have to apply and have my work juried by other students and then they decide if i get to be in the group show or not which is pissing me off to no end. im so tired of other people deciding what i deserve/what my worth is when it comes to art. the weather has been very cold, then very dark and wet, and now today there is a weak light shining on everything and the air is warm. i want to go to an east facing beach or somewhere else beautiful like that. im doing ceramics again but i feel divided and distracted from my work in there, disconnected from the clay. im also working in the metals studio on a little copper hoya retusa charm. i switched my work hours to just wednesdays for now, i hope it helps a little. still nothing has gone through the kiln! i think thats part of why i feel a bit stuck. i wish it was easy to let go and let things evolve the way they naturally need to. thinking a lot about my relationship to g this month, i think ill be lonely if we grow apart but i also dont think we should be physically involved anymore, even if that makes me a little lonely. i dont like that things are already so bad with his wife and will only get worse if we continue. its just not really worth it and its not really worth the way h treats me about it. the war goes on, people get sick, i sit in front of the heater in the dark.

ive been thinking a lot about shame the last couple of days. i think this town and the people here have taught me a lot about shame again, and the pandemic has taught me a lot about shame, and being more sexually active has taught me a lot about shame. ive had a mounting sensation of social anxiety that has crawled its way back like it was with me before the pandemic. i feel like ive been taught to be ashamed of myself over and over...like i somehow forget and then each new chapter of my life i walk in shamelessly and someone teaches me that i should be ashamed again. its weird to be taught that by a town full of people who know my name but dont know me personally, and weird to be taught that by the people who do know me personally. its shameful to make something for fun and play, but its good to do something new and everyone is just playing, but you can only be taken seriously if what youre doing is serious under its coat of play. everything has to be right and digestible and good. every interaction i have ive got to make sure i dont say something blunt or personal or unpleasant to think about, but mentioning the weather is boring. if i express dislike for the artistic and social hierarchy of the town it eventually trickles back to the people at the top and another round of stares and whispers surrounds me when i go out. im afraid to connect with the people i have met, im afraid to try and get to know anyone better. often when i try im shot down anyways. no one takes me seriously enough to want to make anything with me because i dont already know exactly what im doing. i cant believe i was ever part of a popular group...i think everyone in town hated them. i feel like it was damaging to my reputation. i dont want to just slink around in corners where no one will see me. i dont want to sit around and try to get the attention of people who have already decided im not worth their time without ever having spoken with me either. im so tired of my shame! im tired of being ashamed of myself. shame was erased for so many people by the pandemic but now we're all pretending like it didn't happen and no one is allowed to put their foot in their mouth anymore and no one is allowed to be honest and no one is allowed to see their fellow community members as accessible equals anymore. and wearing a mask out is shameful and obnoxious and cringy. somehow its considered really embarrassing to talk to people in this town while youre out even if you know them. no matter what theyre up to its a weird intrusion of their privacy because they didnt specifically approach you though some distant means of communication and ask you if you wanted to have an awkward and unfulfilling social interaction. everything is stiff and opaque again. but in the end it requires other people to meet you on the other end if youve given everything you have to connect with them. very little privacy or peace in my life currently and at the same time an enormous sensation of being overlooked or looked down on by everyone in town. people know who i am and are talking about me but it doesnt feel like theyve got anything good to say or anything to say to me at all. lots to think about and work against here.

[nuclearnerves]

INCOMING VAMPIRE AU THOUGHTS

Don't mind me I'm finally getting the ideas I had on this shit out so I can actually go forward with developing it as an AU. It's my usual mixup of fps protags, Gordon Guy and John, but I'm starting with Gordon as the Vampire and Guy as the Vampire Hunter.

absolute beast of a wall of text under the cut

What If Being A Vampire Literally Sucks All The Time Forever like chronic pain sucks. like THAT level of sucks. Like Here's what I was thinking of. Being a vampire isn't just "being alive forever but you need to drink human blood" It's like Oh man I have some lore you look at vampires and their main thing is that they're blood suckers right so lets start with a corpse dead body. cadaver. no longer with us. just some rotting meat. The brain needs oxygen as fuel. The blood supplies the oxygen through blood. The blood is pumped through the heart. The blood is made by your bone marrow. You die. Your heart stops beating Blood stops pumping Brain no longer has oxygen to think marrow stops making blood thats standard! Now, becoming undead, as a vampire, is a little more complicated. The long and short of it is: your body is FIGHTING ACTIVELY to be alive against all odds and wins every time (immortality), but it hurts the whole way

I have the gist of it. It's like. Your heart stops. By all means, you should be dead. but the magic kicks in, and you're still thinking. Your brain is still sending signals to your muscles to move. But using what oxygen to move? whats burning in you? You don't know but you know it's just enough to get to your next meal. So you ferociously eat something, and then find you can't swallow. You can't make saliva. You barely have the energy to chew, and once you DO get something in your stomach, it immediately comes back up. Why can't you feel your pulse? What's going on? You're out of options so you figure you might as well just lie down and die. You're too tired to keep going anyway. So you do, you lie down, and you close your eyes, and you quietly hope that death is as peaceful as sleep. You realize you've actually been moving around without breathing, which makes sense because you can barely flex your diaphragm for more than a shaky wheeze. How are you thinking with such little oxygen? But as you fade from consciousness, you can feel something in you, and it's so upset, it's crying, it's filled with grief, and you instantly can tell it's your skeleton. It's your bones. You're distraught down to your marrow. You're dying. You're dying! Your heart stopped and you have no more blood! You need blood! You need blood to move! To breathe! To think! You try to breath deep again for the voices in your bones, trying to comfort them, to sooth them with the repetitive motion in your lungs, trying to fill yourself with anything but grief, but they keep wailing. We make the blood, our creation, our child, what we put all of our work into is gone! gone! gone! We need it back! Anything! All of it! Find it! Bring it back to us! We're hungry! WE'RE HUNGRY!

and once you find yourself too exhausted to listen, to think, how badly you wish just to die already to cease hearing this wailing, you find your body moving without you. And it's hungry and it's searching and it's crawling on all fours and it misses its beautiful red life that made it feel so full before and it needs it back, and the next thing you know you're desperately grabbing anything with blood in it and shoving it in your mouth in a desperate attempt to sooth this cry for life, you don't want to die, you don't want to die, you worked so hard to keep up this body and craft it and LIVE with it and you're not going to go, and even when you try, even when you try to lay down and die, your body refuses, it takes the reigns, and it keeps up the work itself with or without your help. And it's not until your stomach is full and your teeth are stained and you feel a pulsating burning in your bones that you snap back awake, completely conscious, just fine. You're lucid, you don't feel any more pain. Everything around you is dead and drained and messy and your heart still isn't beating. but you can breathe now and holy shit you guess you literally need to kill to survive and the less you eat and the more you starve yourself the worse it gets when your body finally decides to take recourse.

my idea was like. "the vampires curse is actually stored in the bones, thats why the teeth get so sharp and also theres a connection between blood and bones with the creation via bone marrow" its literally like i was sitting there thinking "no no no, whats it like to be a vampire. what neurosis would you develop. How would you panic? What are common mistakes beginner vampires make" which, by the way, gordon is a beginner vampire

so now you gotta factor, what blood lasts for how long? how long can you go between meals? not only that, but what creatures satisfy the urge? How long can you go avoiding human blood? Does it work like drugs where you develop a resistance to the high, or is it like food where it will keep you moving until you eat again? How the fuck are you gonna get your hands on blood? Can you just eat raw meat? Does that count? and thats where im at lol

OKAY now. now thoughts on beginning scenes of vampire au

So my idea was this Doomguy is a vampire hunter independent and one of his buds says that some freak scared and almost attacked his daughter when she got too close to his old abandoned laboratory up the hill and hes like “he might be… you know… a problem. if you needed a lead” and guys like yeah i fuckin hate the undead ill kill this dude so he busts into old lab space and sees so many dead animals its actually mostly Bones and pelt that hes seeing piles of feathers etc so hes like yeah this is all telltale signs of vampire uhhh hes introduced to gordon SOMEHOW im not totally sure of the details but the working idea i have is guy falls into a trap gordon devised that restrains him suspended in wire or something and gordon like. limps/stumbles into the room and this dude looks haggard he’s breathing heavy, his cheeks are hollow, he’s bug-eyed and shaking while looking at this massive wall of meat in his trap and he bares a bunch of hideous teeth and grits them and looks like hes really struggling with somethin... Like if these dudes don't know each other then Gordon might give in and try to drain Guy, and Guy would absolutely do anything in his power to turn this new vampire into ash, im thinking the inclusion if g-man as a coven leader can fix both issues.

i like the idea of guy falling into gordons trap and gordon thinking about what to do with him before gman shows up and whisks gordon away for a “meeting” while complimenting him on his good work catching the most feared vampire hunter in the country and gman just leaving guy suspended in wires that he has to fight his way out of. Instant situation defuser.

Guy ends up needing to take care of other monsters before going back to Gordon, and he DOES plan to go back to gordon, because no vampire is a good one, especially not one associated with the fucking head of a coven, but next time he sees Gordon, Gordon helps him out of a scrape by attacking and draining a combine who was going to take Guy out or something and escaping before Guy can catch him, or otherwise seeing Gordon do something good with his insane undead powers and like, the third time he meets up with him is when they can actually talk, and Gordons fuckin SO haggard, he’s not even fighting back and he’s even going as far as to say “just make sure theres nothing of me left when you’re done, I don’t want anyone else getting hurt”

Side Note: Guy has a bunch of scarring on his body from dealing with vampires, cops, ghosts, werewolves, anything violent that kills people. I'm playing with the inkling of an idea that he has Divine Blood in him, so that any time something undead bites him or tries to drink his blood, it burns. We'll see.

Side Note 2: now i really like the idea of the combine actually being an organized faction of vampire hunters that are WICKED crooked and exploit people for all their worth in exchange for their “safety” when they kill a vampire They’re essentially loansharks and Guy fucking hates them and hates the name theyve given to vampire hunting

Side Note 3: You've probably noticed that I haven't said anything about John yet! He's in this too. His species is a surprise but I need to get to him later I have an idea for where he came from (Cortana too)

I still need a good reason for Guy to not instantly kill this vampire, if not it's just gonna be "Gordon Freeman escapes the countrys best vampire hunter like a seventh time" every time they meet and they end up being rivals. And it gives Guy enough time to look past the whole "undead monster" thing and start looking at the "Oh this dude figured out how to fight his ridiculous craving for blood in a way more humane than most and is actually staying out of peoples way and keeping to himself. Guess he's not that big of a threat but I still need to keep an eye on him in case he loses it. Turns out he's got a family (Probably Alyx, Eli, Issac and Barney) who's been lookin for him and cares about him as well, don't wanna hurt them". I like the idea of them ending up needing to team up to take out undead together.

And that's what I got so far!!!

[rnisa]

Could i get a death note mach up plz? I feel weird describing myself ngl XD

Im 5'0 (152cm) and i have shoulder length brown hair and eyes. I also have glasses. I love to read, draw, and ice skate. I think i can be quite a shut in, not really going outside much. But i do love to spend time with friends when their not busy. I think i can be kinda touchy when im around people i love (lots of random hugs, kisses on the cheek, and hair ruffling for my little brothers lol) i can be blunt sometimes. I never mean to be rude, but sometimes i dont think before i talk. Besides that, i often always put others first and can be very protective of them (i almost fist fought someone cause they pulled a knife to my dad. Iv never even punched anyone/thing but i was ready to throw down XD which is super dumb) i also do it with emotional issues, which i admit can be very draining. Im not the smartest person if u couldnt tell XD sometimes it takes me a minute to respond cause i cant focus, or sometimes ill just be really dumb, like when i thought new zealand was in the US for wayy to long. Apart from personality, i mainly like to dress punk or emo with ripped jeans, boots, lots of red and black. Or the complete oppisite and wear yellow sun dresses ang do a full cottagecore look, my style changes weekly pretty much.

Srry that was so long, i also ramble a lot XD

Of course you can, gorgeous! And thank you for being my first-ever Death Note matchup!!! Don't worry about describing yourself; it's definitely an interesting thing to do, though sometimes difficult. And no need to apologize for the length - the more you give me, the better! If all you gave me was "Hey I'm a cancer and I have brown hair," that wouldn't do me much good x,D So please, ramblings are always welcome <3 You didn't mention your sexuality so I cannot take that into account, I am purely going based off of personality and character alone. Hope that's okay! I got your message while I was at work, and I thought about it (instead of, y'know. Doing work) and I would match you up with...

Mello

While I don't have the greatest grasp on his character, I believe you two could be a good (and bad) fit for a few reasons. Mello wouldn't necessarily mind you being a "shut in", though he leads a semi-active lifestyle, as long as you'd be willing to do something with him here and there, you're okay. Doesn't have to be anything crazy - outings with just the two of you would be fine. Going for a motorcycle ride, a relaxing hike, or at a theme park once a month would be enough to keep him content. I do think he would want a more outdoorsy partner, but at the end of the day, he feels safer knowing you're home where the chances of you getting hurt are small. So it's not a deal-breaker if you'd rather be at home, just don't prevent him from going out when he wants to pop open a cold one with the boys, and you're fine.

I picture Mello as being very physically affectionate, so your advances would be welcomed. He enjoys showing you off and he loves coddling you, loves it when you cling to him or hold his hand/arm in public.

The main reason I think you two would be a good match, though, is how feisty you seem to be. If I'm reading into it correctly, it sounds like you're very passionate about your feelings, and you may be pretty emotional - which strikes me very similarly to Mello. Not to say people need to be identical to be a match, but I think when two people with that sort of energy come together it can be a beautiful thing. You're each others' ride or die, when you're on the same page everything is amazing and you feel on top of the world...but when you disagree, your fights are explosive. You might give each other the silent treatment. You might be petty and hold onto grudges, rather than talk it out in the first place. You both might joke about being a little toxic and crazy, though you are mostly only crazy for each other... In some ways, you may enable each other with your respective "bad" behaviors, but good things can come from it, too. At the end of the day, both of you know that he has your back, and you have his. And nobody is a better hype-person than he is for you, and you are for him. However, it would be nice if, at times, you are able to be the more "logical" person to help keep him grounded.

Sometimes he might tease you a little too much when you "say something dumb" ((A/N: You're not dumb. It took me two years to understand what 'irony' was.)) and your feelings may get hurt. But if you're able to communicate this with him, Mello will apologize and feel bad.

I don't think fashion/style is important to him (for a partner - Mello definitely loves fashion for himself) but from the description of how you dress, I think Mello would find it very attractive. I can see him liking the whole e-girl / e-boy aesthetic. Maybe it's just me but I feel like Mello is a simp. Like he has the capacity to be a simp for his partner... Maybe I'm just projecting but I also think he's into the whole bimbo / himbo thing, in a partner. But maybe that's just me speaking, as I love bimbos and himbos.

Thank you for messaging me, this was fun! I'm sorry if it wasn't a character you wanted - it's just what I think, and nothing here is at all factual! Secondary Matchups: Misa Amane, Touta Matsuda. I won't give an explanation for these here, but if you are interested to hear why for these two, just send another ask and say "Hey! I'm this anon [post link to this ask] can you explain why Misa and/or Matsuda?" and I would be more than happy to write them up for you ^.^ They just wouldn't be as long/detailed as I found Mello the most fitting.

[weabooweedwitch]

I really hope your pain lessens soon. What you’re going through is very difficult and you have every right to cry, feel angry, and resent the world. Soon this period of feelings will simmer away like a dying flame. It’ll take strength to embrace the world and all of its dark sides, but from what I can tell you’re a very strong person who’s more than capable of it. You are a person with many faucets and great creative energy. I truly appreciate everything you bring to this world, your dedication to art inspires me. Please stay safe<3

Oh gosh and here i thought I was done crying for the night ;u; I feel really shitty for uh well Having A Public Episode, kinda thought i was over having public mental crises on tumblr but, I guess, I dunno how to phrase this without sounding conceited, 'I guess most of you can tell I'm going through a lot of shit right now and hopefully will be mostly okay with the fact I brought up an extremely upsetting subject' but also I just. Feel really bad for making anyone really worried. I wonder if I should delete the posts and asks but also I feel like the conversation around it is important? Does thst make sense. I'm way too obsessed with how you guys probably see me after this, honestly, becuase it isn't like this is the first time I've needed some sort of help. I still feel bad for needing money when I was homeless. People gave money for Allister to get his surgery. And I internalize a lot of guilt whenever I need help and I guess that's part of the trauma i need to work through, somehow.

Anyways it also makes me really happy for you to bring to bring up like my creative hobbies and stuff too. I've been meaning to get back into my writing but I've also been wanting to pick up like, craft skills? Like my work was selling this little activity kits and I bought one for soap making and one for embroidering because I thought they would be fun to learn. And that's kind of something I feel like I should be trying to be pursuing more in my free time is how much I like to make art and create thing and I've kind of. Fallen into a hole a little bit. And I'm honestly starting to wonder if its because I'm forming a really horrible relationship with weed. I basically smoke before any pleasurable activity so I enjoy it more and sometimes I just sit and get so fucked up I wind up getting distracted and doing something else or I like, have to sleep, or, I spend too much time and have to go to work the next day or bed or whatever. And sometimes I say "oh ill smoke or drink before I write so im more inspired and like, yeah, it can help, but its gotten to the point where I refuse to try without and that's obviously. Not normal. I obviously inherited my father's addiction genes 💀💀💀

Wait i somehow circled back to being negative! Key points are im trying to do more things i enjoy even though I've been doing not so great mentally and I do enjoy creating things and sharing things and I hope to do some of that more in the future. Maybe I'll buy some paints and some small canvasses. I liked to paint when I was in the hospital because I didn't own any paints or materials to do so at home so it was fun to experiment and for some reason its like, a fond experience for me despite rhe fact I was in the big house

Oh god did I ever show you the time I like. Deadass painted Prospit and. What was rhe blue place. Either way that fucking dates me so hard. My cringe paintings from my fail childhood 🤣

[animeheadspace]

hope I ain’t to late- if so then feel free to ignore this!

for the matchup:) I’d like a Tokyo rev char.

- my personality is pretty chaotic, I’m a huge ambivert and socially awkward- mostly with new people or just random,though sometimes around family members N friends,rarely. When I’m feeling talkative I’m a huge chatter, pray that I’m not talking about a anime or manga I read,because honey, ill go on for hours. Other times when I’m feeling quiet, I just sit and do my own thing. with friends I can be so extra and dramatic,some times well all the time I crack flirty jokes and VERY flirty nicknames,mainly to get my friends to laugh! I like seeing people in good moods,negative ones just like bummer. Leading into Ive been told i can’t read between the lines or I’m oblivious- which leads to a lot of my friendships ending. I’m also pretty like quick to change things, my mind just races everywhere. I can get pretty angry,depending on what it is. I can handle it the right way, walk away,not speak on it and be nice. But if it bothers me, I’m a whole bomb,I will explode on someone and not hold back, which is more of than often what I do,but I know when something aint worth it. Though I do a lot of extra stuff, I’m shy- I can’t even talk to a cashier without stuttering Or just wanting someone to help. (like they ask me ‘speak up’ I CANT JUST GIVE ME MY STUFF’). But mostly I’m called weird, which is because of my view points on things, more about someones style, or what people like in relationships. laziness is me, i will cry if I have to get up and do anythin… I will procrastinate to the max. I’m also very understanding and supportive, I try to be the best help and listen, I hate judgmental people, I feel like everyone should be able to speak there mind and feel comfy. Which I expect back for me :).

my likes/dislikes - I like food- more sweet foods! indie/alt music, editing n writing! Chatting with close friends, oversized clothes, and monsters (the energy drink.) anime n manga, deep talks about personal issues (I just like to get it out,with someone I trust ofc)

now some things I dislike, BUGS. I hate them to the max, I will scream,run. Any type of bug,even a ladybug,I’m gone, really loud noises (like yknow them cars with loud engines? Or like a sink disposal , those sounds bother me.), hot weather, bullying, people who think they can talk to someone however, and lastly people who eat,with,there,mouth,open. LIKE CLOSE UR MOUTH JESUS. my love language is Quality time. I’m not really big on like touching n stuff, I wouldn’t mind it,yknow if the other person is into it, but certain times, I just cringe at it. Hand holding and stuff cool,but cuddling i cannot do unless Im tired. I will give 10 minutes to cuddle before I need to move around. I JuSt nEed Movement and I’d be too awkward. But like I said, if the person wants it, I’ll try. (If i like em enough JDJDJDJJD)

pass time activities, learning piano, I’m trynna practice my writing alot more! Tho mainly watching YT.

My appearance! I’m around 5’2-5’3, it think more to 5’3 though, I’m very close In height to someone 5’4,but there is a pretty noticeable difference. I have medium length black hair, in the front, my hair is orange/darker brown from the top (FROM A FAILED HAIR DYE ATTEMPT) they call me splotch bc it literally is. Splotch on my head fading to black👁👄👁. I have dark brown eyes! I have a kinda chubby face, chubby cheeks :> my body is curvy, with chubbiness ( insecure go brr-) which I like to hide in oversized clothes. Thick thighs save lives 🦵🏻🦵🏻

my pronouns are she/they!

I hope this is good,make sure to drink water bub!!!

hi! you aren’t too late, so dw about that…thank u for participating <3

ah, so you get the king of them all, sano manjiro. you included so much here and all the arrows point to mikey!! yall definitely met in a dorayaki shop. he was in front of you in line, attempting to buy his share with the change he had in his hand, but it was obvious that he didn’t have enough. you walked forward, a little bit embarrassed, and paid for the rest of mikey’s dorayaki with what extra you had on you - you share the love of dorayaki and what kind of person would you be to deprive another of sweet food? and mikey was shocked. he was so unused to people doing nice things for him, caring for him, that he asked if you wanted to share his dorayaki with him after leaving the cashier. you shook your head, pointing to your own dorayaki in your hand, but before you knew it, mikey had already shoved half in your mouth, awaiting your reaction. your mouth closed around the sweet cake and your eyes gleamed, despite your previous attempts at telling him you didn’t want it. mikey laughed a bit, and decided that he was never going to let you out of his sight.

obviously, you share his love with sweet food and snacks. his favorite activity to do with you is to go food hopping throughout tokyo, trying out new stuff with his hand in yours. mikey absolutely loves it when you fill up your conversation with whatever you’re obsessed with at the time - as someone who is canonically an introvert, mikey enjoys it when someone can talk to him casually in not an overbearing way. you always try to put a smile on mikeys face, especially after knowing about what happened to his family, and mikey couldnt be more appreciative of your kindness. he loves your weirdness, and never ever puts you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable. mans is literally leader of toman, a feared fighter known throughout tokyo and then he eventually becomes leader of bonten?? yeah, no one is touching a single hair on your head without his permission. he likes your hair too - he thinks that it definitely fits your personality!! he couldn’t care less about your chubbiness, instead choosing to see the real you through your passions of writing and playing the piano.

i think mikey is just as scared of bugs as you are though (cue draken coming in and rescuing the both of you). and i also think that mikey’s bluntness is just something you’d have to get used to, but you know that mikey would never intentionally hurt you. when whatever happened to emma and draken, you know happened, you became the sole tether he had to love, and you made sure to shower him with it every single day, telling him that he was enough. you even worked with takemitchy too to ensure that mikey could get the help he needed. yeah, he may have still formed bonten and consequently was paranoid about keeping you safe, but at least he wasn’t easily influenced by kisaki’s manipulation tactics - you help save hinata. mikey is complicated, but you’re there for him, and he knows you’re there for him too, which leads me to believe that everything will turn out perfect for the two of you.

hope you liked it!! also btw, im obsessed with your blog imma be participating some time soon 💕💕

[thespianbooks]

A Court of Nightmares and Starlight //Chapter 4//

(Chapter one) (Chapter two) (Chapter three) (Chapter four) (Chapter five) (Chapter six) (Chapter seven) (Chapter eight) (Chapter nine) (Chapter ten)

(tags: @thron3ofbooks, @df3ndyr, @judexcardanxgreenbriar, @art-e-mis, @herondamnn, @the-third-me, @im-still-trying-here, @emikadreams) 

Starfall was quickly approaching and the whole estate was buzzing with activity and preparations for our upcoming party. After witnessing and observing her first Starfall, Elain fell in love with the holiday. Since moving into the estate and coming up with the idea that we hold the festivities here, she took over planning for the event and made every year a grand celebration. In the years prior, it was always Mor and I that arranged some kind of gathering for the Inner Circle and my sisters at the House of Wind, along with the people of Velaris. Admittingly, I was never any good at it—not that I was obligated to, as Rhys pointed out every year. He made sure to remind me that while I was indeed his wife, as High Lady I was under no obligation to plan extravagant and elaborate parties for our court. I wasn’t the prized and pretty Lady that Ianthe and Tamlin previously tried to make me into. Despite this, I grew to actually enjoy planning some of the details of the celebration with Elain every year. Most of the work was orchestrated and run by her; now Mor and I only gladly assisted her.

With Starfall also being my favorite fae holiday, I couldn’t help feeling a little sentimental every year. My first ever had followed the months I was finally beginning to heal from the events of Under the Mountain; it was also the day I realized I was in love with Rhys. It was like an anniversary of sorts, and I knew the same was true for him. To Rhysand, it was the first he was able to celebrate in nearly fifty years with his friends—his family; when he also started to heal. That night, and every night we celebrated Starfall in the last several years, we danced together until all of our other companions cleared out for the evening. The spirits always seemed to join us as they glittered across the night sky and into early dawn. The beauty of it always inspired me to paint, and over the decade I painted a series of portraits and landscapes depicting whatever Starfall memory resurfaced. Some of them were of the sky itself glittering with the spirits; some were of our silhouettes dancing on the balcony with the landscape behind us, and some were of Rhys’s handsome face with the star spirit that had splattered on it. I often dreamt of the way we laughed that night; how I smiled for the first time in months and the look of awe in his face.

Starfall was undoubtedly our holiday.

This year, however, might be the first I probably wouldn’t get to enjoy myself. Although the symptoms of my illness were now gone, I couldn’t shake this lingering fatigue. I was beginning to worry it would hinder my ability to stay up and dance with Rhys. I held onto that tradition throughout the year, because it was the one day and night, we spent together without having to worry about our responsibilities as High Lord and Lady. This near-crippling fatigue was threatening my one peaceful day of the year.

Lately I was often drained of energy, and in the last week I took regular naps in order to make it to dinnertime. On most nights, I would be thoroughly depleted of any strength, and I knew everyone was beginning to take notice. After falling asleep halfway through our meal and Rhys having to gently wake me up, Cassian tried to cancel our usual morning training sessions—which I refused. Just because I was exhausted didn’t mean I couldn’t keep up with my regular strength training routine. I also noticed that since their return from the mountains, he and Azriel seemed to linger in whatever common room I was in; as if they were keeping a watchful eye on me, even with Rhys glued to my side. True to his word, Rhys reeled in his primal male-bonded instincts after his return. Our mating frenzy ebbed out a couple of days after, and once we integrated ourselves back into our everyday routine, he was definitely more at ease. However, after noticing how spent I was at the end of the day, I could tell a fraction of it returned—as much as he tried to suppress it.

Mor and Amren mostly teased me when I dozed off during the day; the former more often than the latter, and Elain just pushed a slew of different herbal teas at me throughout the day and promised it would help keep me awake. Even Nesta, who rarely left neither her living quarters nor the library, seemed to worry about me and visited me at random intervals throughout the day; sometimes delivering a cup of tea on Elain’s behalf. Though she mostly just took a quick survey of my form and left.

After a few days of this, I became determined not to cause any of them more concern and now did my best to hide my fatigue as much as possible. I forced myself not to take anymore naps, gulped down multiple cups of Elain’s tea, and perked myself up for dinner. Luckily, the nightmares that had recurred for a short time no longer plagued me at night; a small mercy when I was weary and needed the night to re-energize. I knew it all had to do with my previous illness, and I would not allow it to rule over me—especially with Starfall only a day away. At breakfast this morning I demanded Cassian and I resume our normal training session after he tried insisting again that we cancel. In spite of Rhys agreeing with me, I noticed Cassian swear under his breath before reluctantly agreeing as well.

I chose to ignore it at that moment, and the duration of our meal resumed without issue. After the conversation switched from resuming my training, we all began discussing our anticipation for Starfall. Mor theorized that there might be more spirits this year than there had been in several decades, claiming her power of truth revealed it to her in a dream. In true Inner Circle fashion, they all placed their bets on the validity of her claims. Even I placed a bet, hoping in Mor’s favor that there would be a grand star fall unlike any I ever dreamed. In the last ten years, the spirits numbers continued to dwindle, and every year I hoped it would change. After finishing our meals and excusing ourselves from the table, I walked back to our bedroom with Rhys to change into my training leathers.

“Don’t think I’m trying to stop you,” Rhys started once we were inside, “but I feel compelled to ask if it's possible for you to take it easy during your training today?”

I glanced at him, “Why would I do that?” I asked.

He gave me a knowing look, and I rolled my eyes, “Rhys, I’m fine in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh I’ve noticed alright, noticed how much you try to hide your exhaustion. Did you forget about our lovely bond, Feyre darling?” he asked as he grinned smugly and I tossed my top at him as I pulled it off, grabbing my training tunic to pull over my head.

“Whatever smartass. I’m fine, I’m just tired from all the party planning with Elain and Mor. Being a High Lady and supervising everything is just exhausting,” I lamented with a dramatic sigh.

He chuckled and folded my blouse, setting it on the bed before leaning against the door frame as he watched me change. “If you’re sure,” he conceded. “Try not to give Cassian a hard time for going easy on you, because you know he will.”

“I can handle Cassian. It's about time I vent some of my frustration on you overprotective Illyrian males,” I said with a grin as I finished dressing.

His smug grin was his only response as I gave him a quick peck on the cheek before leaving the room and down the hall that led to the training pit. Cassian was already waiting for me, arms crossed over his broad chest and I noticed Azriel standing in the distance. While he seemed to be observing Elain as she clipped fresh flowers in the greenhouse, I knew he was actually taking it upon himself to keep a close eye on two of the Archeron sisters.

“Well since you’ve been so damn sleepy lately, we’re going back to the basics today,” he grinned and held his palms up, motioning me forward.

“I have not,” I insisted before raising a brow, “basic punching forms? Really?”

“Look, I’m not going to keep battling with a pre…pretty sick female,” he corrected himself, eyes narrowing in a cringe at his own choice of words.

I stared at him blankly, moving my hands to my hips, “Wanna tell me what’s going on?” I demanded.

He shrugged simply, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“‘Pretty sick female’?” I posed

He shrugged again, “I stuttered.” He held his hands up, motioning me to advance.

I rolled my eyes and began landing blows into his palm, keeping a steady pace for a few minutes before I felt that glimmer at my core. I stopped, blinking as it sparkled in my abdomen for a few seconds and suddenly stopped. I hadn’t felt it in almost a week, and thought it finally faded away along with my other symptoms. It felt...stronger this time, as if it were a gut-shattering feeling trying to warn me of something.

I shrugged it away and re-positioned my fists and stance, looking to Cassian, who was frowning at my hesitation. “What was that?” He asked.

“Nothing,” I promised.

“Feyre, I-”

“It was nothing, Cassian.” I snapped, motioning for him to let me resume.

His frown deepened before he slowly raised his hands, palms facing in my direction. I landed a couple more blows before the world around me suddenly spun. I didn’t have time to reorient myself, everything twisting away from me and I only knew that I lost my footing when a pair of strong arms caught me.

Spinning, spinning, spinning.

I heard voices calling out my name, but couldn’t register who they belonged to as a high-pitched whine resounded loudly in my ears—drowning out everything and everyone, my world still whirling in circles. I closed my eyes, willing everything to settle for a minute. I briefly heard Rhys’s voice, but couldn’t discern his words as I opened my eyes again. I was able to see his face for a few seconds before darkness edged in around my vision; taking over completely a second later.

X

I blinked slowly, everything blurry as I regained consciousness. It took me a second longer to register my surroundings, realizing I was laying on my bed and I could hear Rhys’s voice outside the bedroom door—giving orders. I sighed, realizing what happened out in the training pit and slowly sat up; afraid of the dizziness returning. I paused as my stomach churned and I groaned, fighting the oncoming queasiness.

Rhys, sensing I was awake, walked into the room and straight to my side, “I called Madja, she’s on her way,” he said, brushing the hair from my face.

I swallowed with a cringe, “You didn’t have to do that,” I argued weakly, resting a hand over my stomach in an attempt to settle it.

“You fainted Feyre. You’ve been tired, no—exhausted, all week. Before that, you were sick. Something’s not right,” he reasoned desperately, kneeling beside me and placing a hand over mine.

I was about to argue again, but I felt that oh-so-familiar flicker in the pit of my stomach. It fluttered wildly between us, like a heartbeat—my heartbeat, pounding beneath his touch and through our bond. I let out a shuddering breath, my stomach roiling violently in protest and I cringed, trying not to let it overwhelm me.

Alarmed, Rhys straightened, but before he could say anything, I was up and rushing for the bathing room with him on my heels. He pulled my hair back in time as I vomited into the toilet, sobbing a bit between each heave. He rubbed gentle circles on my back as I wretched. When my stomach finally settled and the wave of nausea ebbed, he flushed the toilet for me as I caught my breath and leaned back against his chest. He held me like that for a minute as I sniffed and regained my strength, rubbing my arms lightly.

“Better?” he asked quietly.

I nodded and sighed deeply, slowly sitting upright with his help, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

He cupped my chin lightly, his eyes meeting mine, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Feyre. It's not your fault you're sick,” he said before standing and helping me to my feet.

He kept a hand on the small of my back as we walked back into the room and I frowned. It made no sense why my symptoms returned so abruptly. “I really thought I was fine. I mean, I felt a lot better,” I tried to explain as I sat on the bed. 

Rhys turned his wrist over, summoning a damp washcloth from whatever magic storage he usually summoned from, and motioned me to lie down. “Just relax for now. Madja will be here shortly and she’ll examine you,” he said.

I sighed in resignation, laying back and moaning in relief as he pressed the washcloth on my forehead. I smiled in gratitude and he returned it with a solemn nod. I gripped his free hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“Don’t look so grim,” I said. “I’m just sick, nothing more.”

He nodded again, forcing a smile to his own lips that didn’t reach his eyes, and I knew he was in full mother hen protective mode. I could see his tense shoulders, truly ill at ease over my health. He would probably remain that way for the duration of whatever illness was plaguing me, just like he always did when I was on my cycle.

I paused as the thought suddenly occurred to me. I made sure my shield of adamant was still up, knowing how vulnerable it was lately, and checked over my mental calendar.

I was late. Very late.

As a human, as a high fae, I was never late for my cycle. I remembered briefly panicking when I realized I hadn’t gotten one after being made, before learning and actually suffering through my first. In educating me about what a fae cycle entailed, Madja also taught me how to discern between the symptoms of my cycle...and early pregnancy. Nausea, fatigue...and a missed cycle. I quickly ran through my memories of the last few weeks; while I had experienced a certain level of fatigue during my cycles, they were never to this extreme. The nausea spells I equated to my nightmares or whatever mysterious illness I thought I had, but now after just realizing how late I actually was…

Was I finally pregnant?

Since his return, Rhys still pointed out that my scent remained off. At first, we both wrote it off as part of my illness, but it was all starting to make sense. If I was pregnant, if our child was actually growing inside of me, it would explain why my scent was different. I tried not to react as I met Rhys’s concerned gaze and squeezed his hand again, willing my galloping heart not to give me away.

“Who were you talking to outside?” I asked, motioning outside our door.

“Cassian and Mor. They, and Azriel, saw you go down and Cassian caught you before sending Mor to call for me,” he explained, moving the cloth to my cheek. “They’re all worried about you.”

“You should let them know I’m okay when Madja gets here,” I suggested, genuinely wanting him to reassure the others and their concerns over my well-being.

“I’m not leaving your side, Feyre,” he said firmly.

“I’m not a child Rhys. I don’t need the High Lord standing idly by as the healer examines me,” I argued.

His overprotective behavior also made sense now. We were mates, of course his primal instincts would make him aware of my pregnancy before he was. If I was pregnant; I needed to confirm it with Madja before I revealed my suspicions. If I told him that I might be pregnant, he would be prematurely ecstatic. We both had ten long years of yearning for our first-born child, and if I was somehow wrong about this, if I raised both of our hopes up only to be told I wasn’t actually pregnant...I wouldn’t be able to bear the disappointment.

I felt his reluctance and he forced a smirk as he brought my hand up to his lips, “As my High Lady commands,” he said quietly, and I could hear the silent ache behind his words.

I moved my hand to cup his cheek, “You know I’ll be in great hands when she gets here. Let everyone know I’m feeling a little better, and when Madja finishes examining me then I’ll fill you in. It won’t be anything serious,” I promised.

I was either sick with some ridiculous faerie ailment, or pregnant. I hoped to the Mother it was the latter as we heard a delicate knock on our bedroom door. Rhys was immediately up and went to answer the door; I sat up as he led her inside.

“Hello again my lady,” the older female greeted, her dark eyes sparkling lightly as she set her healer’s bag aside.

I returned her friendly greeting with a smile and looked over at Rhys, his hands stuffed in his pockets as he hesitated in the doorway. He gave me a once-over and met Madja’s gaze as she waited for one of us to give her an order. I cleared my throat and Rhys looked at me again, I brushed his dark shields lightly and he let them down for me.

I’ll be alright. Let the others know that everything’s fine and that I’m being seen now.

I saw him hesitate for a fraction of a second before he nodded. “I’ll be in the sitting room,” he said, almost a warning before he finally left the room.

“What seems to be the problem dear?” Madja asked, as I sighed deeply. “The High Lord informed me that you collapsed, and you’ve been rather ill. Would you care to elaborate?”

“I uh, actually,” I fumbled over my words, unsure of how to even say them now. The healer was patient as she took my wrist gently to check my pulse; her usual first step in her examinations that allowed me a moment to gather my bearings.

“I’m late for my cycle,” I managed. “A few weeks ago, these awful nausea spells started and lasted a few days, and I’ve been so exhausted. Exhausted isn’t even the right word for it; I have no energy. This week was the worst of it, and then today…” I trailed off before glancing down at my stomach briefly, “I realized I’m a week late.”

The older female nodded, her dark wrinkled fingers releasing their gentle hold on my wrist and motioned me to lay down, “Have you experienced any sensitivity, or swelling, in your breasts? Unusually frequent trips to the bathing room?” she asked, her hands moving to my blouse before meeting my gaze for permission to further her examination.

I nodded as I thought it over, her delicate hands rolling my tunic up to expose my abdomen. I blushed as I recalled Rhys’s recent comments about my breasts. He often admired them, but after our reunion last week he happily noted that they seemed more...endowed than he remembered.

“I think my breasts are a little swollen, but they haven’t been sensitive,” I admitted. Her hands now palpated my abdomen gently and I gasped as I felt that glimmer return. She must have noticed it as well because her hands immediately halted.

“A-Also that, I’ve felt that a few times now, and right before I fainted it was strong. Stronger than I’ve ever felt it before, and the next thing I knew the world was spinning,” I explained with a frown.

The female’s dark features seemed to brighten as she grinned and took my hand again, moving it to rest on my abdomen, “My lady, that feeling is your youngling. I don’t need to finish my examination to confirm that you are indeed pregnant.”

I gaped at her, glancing at my hand on my stomach, “W-What do you mean...?” I choked.

She chuckled lightly and placed her hand over mine, “You and the High Lord have a powerful mating bond. These bonds are rare today, but one as strong as yours allows you to have a keen sense for one another. Back in our primitive history, there were no tests or examinations to confirm a pregnancy. If a mated female was pregnant, once her youngling developed enough in the womb, her bond would alarm her and her mate that they had been successful in producing offspring. Over the centuries, this innate ability dampened to a dull and gentle glimmer,” she smiled as she explained. “It is rare even now, but in the case of a powerfully mated High Lord and High Lady, it is there. Congratulations, you are pregnant.”

I exhaled a long breath without realizing I had been holding it in throughout her speech. My eyes burned as I looked at my stomach again, my fingers brushing my skin lightly as I felt the flutter pulse through me again. After a decade of trying; of being disappointed year after year and both of us dreaming and longing for the first-born son the Bone Carver showed me all those years ago, the moment was finally here. After ten years of loving Rhysand, of almost losing him forever, I had a piece of him with me.

His child, our child, was growing inside me. The beautiful little boy who looked like an exact replica of his father; who I saw in my dreams and longed to cradle in my arms would finally arrive. My heart fluttered at the thought of Rhys holding this child, of his warm smile and loving eyes. I couldn’t help but sob at the idea of it all, my mind immediately scrambling for ideas on how I would reveal the news to him. I wanted nothing more than to surprise him, and I was glad I had convinced him to step out while Madja examined me. The effect would have been lost had he been hovering over me as the healer worked.

No, I would deliver the news the same way I had gifted him the vision of our son on that Winter Solstice we decided to start a family. This time however, I would finally get to announce the arrival of our son on Starfall.

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!! 

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated. 

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you 

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not. 

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are. 

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair. 

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win. 

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control. 

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel 

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

[fairycosmos]

And yeah they basically told me to F off. They said I could take some time off and go ‘fix my problem’ and come back next year. And I’m like wtf. And then I had a breakdown in the mental health service lol. Like I honestly just wanna do my assignments and be done but I have zero motivation bc of this f ing depression... do you have any tips to get motivated and just do it? I can’t even focus and I’d really appreciate your support even though I’m sorry for putting this on you and bothering you

hey, so sorry for the late response but damn dude that's honestly so fuckin crazy. especially since they've BEEN aware of your mental health problems the whole time, AND the uni counselor was vouching on your behalf......the fact that they would just dismiss your struggles is fucking unbelievable :( im so sorry you have to deal with it. you literally have every right to be upset, but i hope you're able to work through it in your own way. i don't blame you at all for using the day to just cry, sometimes it's completely necessary. love, you probably need some water and a light distraction, when possible. even just for five minutes. anyway i also really struggle with getting and staying motivated, even for small tasks like washing my face. when you're depressed, everything feels like a massive effort, everything takes so much energy. so try not to fall into the trap of hating yourself for not being able to seamlessly handle everything - it's not your fault. you're trying, and that is more than enough. i havent really found an all encompassing solution for it myself, but here are some small things ive been trying to remember lately to force myself into action:

1. a job half done is better than nothing. washing a few dishes, writing an outline for your assignment, stretching for 5 minutes - they all have their own benefits. breaking tasks down into comfortable chunks is ok. you don't have to go into it with the mindset that you will get a perfect, complete result. you just have to make a start.

2. don't listen to your mind when it's tired. ive been trying to ignore mine when i first wake up because it starts trying to talk me out of doing shit. this might sound stupid but ive been learning that i don't have to be happy to be active. i can be sad while studying, cleaning, practicing, working. i can be down and still get out of bed.

3. count to three and then just begin. sometimes there is literally no other way.

4. recognize that the stress and the anticipation of procrastinating is usually way more exhausting, especially for your mental health, than actually attempting the task at hand.

5. take breaks. make sure you're hydrated, practice deep breathing. yes, it will feel a bit stupid. but yes, it's important. you don't have to work relentlessly, you don't have to overwhelm yourself.

6. don't be afraid to ask your friends for help, with the assignment, and with everything else.

i guess that's all that comes to mind for me right now, but i really hope you start to feel better soon. im glad you're in touch with the uni counselor and maybe if you both keep fighting your case, eventually they will listen to you. until then, i would seriously urge you to just focus on taking it one day at a time. is that's too much, one hour at a time. examine what you need in this moment, and try to put your energy into what you can control as opposed to whats out of your hands. uni is a fucking bitch to deal with and so is mental illness, but you are not facing it alone, and where you're at right now is not where you'll always be. low moods, while strong, are never as permanent as they feel. you definitely have all of my support and i'll be here if you need someone. i can seriously understand where you're coming from n i think a lot of ppl do. anyway please take care, sending a lot of love 💌

[friendshipcampaign]

Session Recap 6/30/19: Stormcrows and Swords

When the party all awoke that morning, there were messages waiting for them from the Gatekeepers in the Infinite Library. 

Kriv, who had asked about the Three of Eyes and the DPL, received a message from Hubris that read:

theyre a nasty piece of work. most demon cultists are seeking power or influence, even if theyve decided the best way to accomplish that is bloody destruction. but the three of eyes seek nothing less than the total domination of the abyss over the prime material plane and everything it touches. they dont worship one of the lords. they worship the abyss itself. weve always been able to stop them because theyre inherently unstable semicolon the most revered members are those so fluent in abyssal that they have experienced the third dark letter, enabling them to hear the whispers of the abyss unfiltered. But no mortal mind or body can withstand that for long, so theyre more likely to go out in a blaze of demonic glory than to hatch any real longterm plans. lucky for us exclamation point. keep your eyes open. 

heard from a and p that youre in veritas. the cult is most likely trying to take advantage of the instability from the breach to open a new portal. theyd need some powerful demons for that, or an alkilith that hastens the formation of abyssal breaches. well be watching for problems in the area, but theres enough residual abyssal energy that its hard to get a clear picture. re the goddess, ill do some digging. im familiar with the symbolism but not whether the deity has been identified. 

re the dpl. weve met them. they like alembic. they dont like me at all exclamation point. better to avoid them unless theres an emergency. 

best, hubris

Erwyn had asked Alembic and Palava about their experiences in Veritas the months prior and also received a message back, reading:

dear erwyn, 

we are always happy to help how we can. the breach in veritas was to an uncatalogued layer of the abyss. so, on the one hand, we can only tell you what we saw, but on the other hand what we saw is as much as anyone knows.

the creature that came through was vast and amorphous, not really an ooze but something like a huge, growing slab of purplish muscle. it gave off a poison that made anyone exposed to it laugh uncontrollably. if theres any of that still around remember that it is a poison, not a magical effect, so be smarter than me and invest in a mask. 

the weird thing about this creature, and the one that makes it particularly dangerous to the prime material plane, is that it could grow more demons. At first we thought there were reinforcements coming through the portal, but they kept showing up even after alembic closed the breach, and then we found some that were halfformed, embedded in strange growths in its body. those new demons always grew in circles around a clear pod where it held some person or animal it had trapped, and it seemed to be using its captives as some kind of inspiration. the demons it grew from them were a similar size and shape. its possible it needed living captives. when we broke the clear pods the people inside were all right as long as there was healing on hand, so we saved a dozen or so humanoids and a dog. 

now, we did our level best to wipe it out for good. couldnt see hide nor hair of it when we were done, and the demonology prevention league was planning on keeping watch on the area in case it found a way to come back. at this point were most concerned about some cultist locating the layer and summoning themselves an endless supply of demons so were all trying to keep the details under wraps. i wouldnt be unduly worried, but do keep your eyes out and let us know if you find anything stranger than expected. 

be careful and stay in touch, 

alembic and palava

And finally, Ditto, who had asked a more complex question, received back:

i will look exclamation point. nothing that is immediately accessible but thats what research is for exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point. 

cheerio, 

hubris

To start out their investigations for the day, the group followed Tiktik to the place they had seen the demon disappear inside the previous night. The building was on Needle Row, where the tailors’ and cloth merchants’ shops were, but was itself a boarded-up warehouse. There was a shop next to it, however, which the group decided to check out to see if they could notice anything odd. They entered on the pretense that Amaranth needed her coat repaired a bit and Voski suggested checking out the “finer” wares along the walls -- though it took Erwyn a second to catch on to her actual meaning and she had to steer him gently inside. 

The tailor who owned the place was a half-orc with two assistants, a halfling and a goblin. He became very engaged talking to Amaranth about her coat repair. Voski also took the opportunity to scout out some nice prints, for inspiration. With the tailor occupied, Erwyn approached the wall nearest the warehouse on the other side and cast Detect Magic -- but it set off one of his Wild Magic surges, causing a swarm of dusky blue butterflies with silver eyes to manifest inside the store.

The goblin assistant muttered under her breath and Kriv apologized, recognizing the word for “adventurer.”

Some of the party and the shop workers both attempted to shoo the butterflies out the door. After a minute though, they all vanished. While Erwyn was mortified, he stayed silent, hoping to still glean some information from his spell. He managed to detect both faint Abjuration and Divination spells from the other side of the wall, as well as a magical effect on one of the tailor’s needles. 

Once she noted Erwyn had finished his investigation, Amaranth swiftly told the tailor they were late for a thing and had to run, taking her coat with her. The party all shuffled outside and Erwyn explained what he had noticed.

The party next headed to the address Amaranth had been given by the orc woman she’d spoken to at the bar the night before, hoping to get a glimpse of the Obsidian Shard drop point. It seemed to be a laundry, which was in line with the instructions Amaranth had been given about dropping off something needing mending to contact them. She also noted a beggar’s mark that signified the place as off-limits for thieves, and an unfamiliar narrow diamond shape drawn in black. Unable to spot any unusual activity in the area at this time, the party moved along.

As they headed towards the office of the private investigator Squall had hired previously, it became clear they were entering the poorer part of town. The building itself was very run-down, with a big sign out front that read “Eckjeth Investigations” and an oil lamp visible inside. Eckjeth poked her head out to greet them. She was a half-elf with pointy face and twitchy ears, whose hair was braided in a faux-elven style that had clearly been done about three days ago. She let them inside and revealed an office with cases of showy books covered in dust, and boxes packed full of tinctures that were shoved to the sides in an attempt to make them less obvious.

She invited the party to sit, but most of them refrained. Amaranth pulled a chair over and turned it around, sitting on it backwards. Ditto sat on the desk. Before getting into the conversation, Eckjeth poured herself a drink and added one of the tinctures to it, looking genuinely relieved as she did so. She asked what they were here for and seemed annoyed when they said they were looking for Quest, snapping that missing persons cases were a lesson in futility in Veritas right now. She admitted that when she’d gone to the Stormcrows they couldn’t confirm that Quest was dead, since Eckjeth didn’t know her personally, but it seemed clear that this was her assumption. 

Interestingly, the case seemed to be less on Eckjeth’s mind than other things. She looked to be extremely stressed and tired. When the group asked about this she admitted her desire to get out of the city, since it seemed like there was nothing the common people of the city could do about the Abyssal influences lingering since the incursion. Voski then asked her about the tincture she’d put in her drink and Eckjeth stiffened -- it seemed she had a sort of love-hate relationship with the things.

Eckjeth told the group that the tinctures had been brought to the city by a wealthy philanthropist named Karin Mordechai, who would come to the city sometimes and do spontaneous demonstrations, professing their virtues and how they could keep the public safe from the effects of the breach. Eckjeth said she was based somewhere east of Veritas, so while she rented a place in the city during her visits she wasn’t around often, and would sometimes teleport in thanks to a wizard in her employ. Apparently Karin was also planning on attending the upcoming Guildhall Gala, though she had managed to receive special dispensation privileges from the guilds so that people selling the tinctures didn’t need memberships to operate.

When asked what the tinctures were made out of, Eckjeth informed the party they were made outside of the city, since Veritas was too “unstable,” out of materials straight from the elemental planes. Kriv asked if she had been feeling alright and if he could cast a spell to check up on her and she agreed. When he cast Detect Poison and Disease, he picked up on something similar to what he’d detected on Clarity the other night. Eckjeth tried to pitch the tinctures to them and Erwyn tentatively bought one of them, hoping to investigate it later. Eckjeth also gave the party her investigation notes, which started out more organized and grew increasingly more scrawled. 

The detective also let them know about a member of the lamplighter’s guild, Deveron Wick, who had been at the guildhouse the night of Quest’s disappearance and said he had seen her briefly, but had offered no additional information. Additionally, she shared her notes on the outfit Quest had last worn as well as the blades she’d had on her -- a sort of “rescue” enchanted sword that was anxious around others, called Stív, and two fae daggers, one affiliated with fire and the other with ice, that could be used to find each other. Kriv offered Eckjeth a few gold as a tip for the information, subtly using Lay on Hands to heal a bit her as he handed them over.

Deciding to talk to the Stormcrows next, the party headed to the temporary temple to the Raven Queen set up near the exclusion zone. When they arrived, one of the raven-masked clerics was talking to a member of the city watch outside, saying they hadn’t been expecting difficulties today. An acolyte greeted them inside, but Erwyn and Voski both noted a lock on the door leading to the morgue that had apparently been blasted open, and what seemed to be signs of some kind of magical altercation.

When Voski inquired about what had happened, the acolyte explained that there had been an incident -- though they assured the group it hadn’t involved necromancy. They quickly switched subjects to ask the group what they were here for, and Amaranth asked if they could confirm whether or not Quest was still alive. When she said she was asking as a friend, the acolyte lead them to a back chamber. Sitting inside was a kenku with magpie plumage, who also wore a leather raven mask and a small, black leather crown. Her mask reached over her beak and seemed to have buckles that could close it shut. The acolyte introduced her as Susurrus, the Crowned Crow.

After Amaranth described Quest, the crowned cleric lit a bowl of incense in front of her and breathed in the smoke before raising her head, waiting for a moment, extremely still. She then lowered it and turned to the acolyte who had brought them in, signing a message. The acolyte informed the party that she said no one of Quest’s description had passed through the Astral Plane yet. They clarified that this wasn’t a sure sign she was among the living, but still meant it was likely.

As they left the chamber, Ditto asked more about what had happened in the morgue. The acolyte, apparently too unnerved by the events to remain secretive a second time, answered her in a hushed whisper. They said a group of individuals had used Feign Death to disguise themselves as corpses to get into the morgue, then escaped with three bodies that the clerics had been told to keep safe using Gentle Repose so that the Watch could return to cast Speak With Dead and complete an interrogation. The watch and DPL were apparently both very upset about the situation.

“I hope you find your friend,” the acolyte told them in parting.

“Thank you. I hope you find your bodies!” Ditto replied.

Noting that the argument outside had increased in fervor, Ditto tucked herself behind Voski and started trying to cast a spell under her breath. Voski nudged her before she could finish and slightly shook her head, causing her to cease the casting. As the group started to head away there was further commotion as several DPL agents arrived on the scene. The party high-tailed it away.

As they passed the Obsidian Shard drop point again, Voski cast a Locate Object to see if there were any Three of Eyes pendants in the building. While there, Voski and Amaranth both noted a little spider-like construct scurrying along the street with a scroll held in a sling. When it was pointed out to the others, Erwyn wanted to follow it, but some of the others were hesitant. Voski suggested Tiktik trail it instead. Ditto was hesitant to ask them to follow a potentially dangerous stranger again so soon, but the familiar was willing and went after it. As Tiktik headed off, Ditto also tried casting Detect Thoughts to see if the spider-construct had any. It didn’t.

The party then headed to the home of Winstanus Albach, the customer who’d last bought a sword from Quest. Outside, a flying sword was attempting to cut the grass on the lawn -- though it was only broadly successful. Voski waved at it and it paused to wave back. When they knocked on the door, a number of interesting bumps and clattering noises followed from inside. Then an elderly human man with a huge mustache answered the door, holding a number of leashes which each had a flying sword at the end, and scolded several of the more active ones by name for being rude to company.

When the party explained they were here to speak with him, Winstanus invited them all in, explaining he would put the swords in his “gladiary” -- a word he devised by combining the Celestial “Gladius” and the Common “aviary” -- for their safety. He then lead them to a nice sitting room, which was finely furnished but clearly had many sewn- and patched-up gashes. He offered them all biscuits on plates with little paintings of swords on them, and seemed sad to hear that Quest was still missing. Apparently he was a go-to for her when she had flying swords with slight behavioral issues, as he was an avid collector and didn’t mind their quirks. He was doubly concerned for her well-being because he also had arrangements with her to help find his swords good homes when he passed on.

The last sword he had purchased from her was from the Faewilds -- a long, leaf-shaped mithril one with vine patterns on the blade and metal and crystal flowers on the hilt that struggled a little on its leash as he fetched it. Apparently it had once been a part of an entire flock, but the swords were let go and Quest, who specialized in fae artifacts, had found it running feral. He also said it emitted faint sunlight at all times, and he hadn’t yet thought of a proper name for it. Erwyn asked if he could handle the sword, curious, and Winstanus warned him to watch his fingers, though also noted that as he was an elf the fae blade might receive him a little more kindly. Erwyn carefully examined the sword and noted a Sylvan inscription on it that read, “I and my sisters guard the third court.”

Ditto asked Winstanus if anyone had bothered him recently looking for information on swords. He said a blacksmith named Filigree Black had stopped by before the Abyssal incursion happened, interested in learning about historical smithing techniques, but that was all. In the meantime, Amaranth tried petting a little geriatric dagger floating near her, but accidentally bonked it into the table. It scurried fearfully behind Winstanus. She apologetically held out one of her own daggers for it to investigate.

Winstanus then told the group about the Veritas Amateur Historians Society, which he was a member of, though he mentioned it hadn’t had regular meetings for a while. He gave them the name of the organizer, a dragonborn named Lomik Turnuroth, who was the head of staff at the Zisisvoyni mansion uptown. He also mentioned that both Squall and Eckjeth had stopped by to speak with him about Quest, as well as some of the Watch, though their investigation had seemed half-hearted.

Towards the end of their visit, Amaranth told Winstanus that she’d bought her own sword from Quest, and he congratulated her on the purchase. He delightedly talked swords with her for a bit, and the shy dagger from earlier finally grew interested in her and wandered over, now less afraid.