#im gonna dissociate for a little while

[thirstyvampyr]

see i usually thrive on troubleshooting bullshit like this but today? nah

[byanyan]

writes one tiny thing and fucks back off

[intertexts]

hiiii guys.btw.

[dishsaop]

i like the Hunger Games a lot but im always gonna be a little bitter it took off when her Underland Chronicles never did. those books were so good and so fucked up. snippets of spoilers for a 20 year old book series for middle schoolers ahead:

cockroaches the size of horses who talk and are actually super chill and great babysitters for human toddlers. these books are the only reason i dont have nightmares about cockroaches anymore

cannibalism happens a lot. at one point a rat the size of a bison says "man go ahead and eat your dead friend, we wont judge" to a spider, who then proceeds to eat her dead friend. everyone but the rat judges.

another rat, who is still relatively a baby, is found later eating his babysitter's liver in an attempt to hide the body.

dude, pandoras death was so fucked up. "wow an island! im starving im gonna have a snack. brb guys" flies a little bit over, is immediately devoured in seconds by bugs and her skeleton crashes into the jungle below

plague book! humans try to commit genocide and blame it on bugs

hey. hey eleven year old. kill this tiny baby screaming for his mother. he sounds just like your baby sister you think just died horribly. kill this baby with a sword. you didnt? you didnt kill a sobbing baby who watched his mother die? we're putting you on trial for treason and will execute you

baby rat gone insane, now 15' tall and leading an army, ripping the head off of his friend/gaslighter, immediately heartbreakingly asking where she went, and then finding the head and accusing a twelve year old boy of doing it

dude gregor is eleven and in the first book willingly leaps off a cliff to his death (despite it being his worst fear) in the hopes itll stop his two year old sister boots from being graphically torn apart and eaten, like he has seen happen to others

thalia's death. they dont just kill unnamed children (they do absolutely kill a lot of unnamed babies onscreen) they also kill beloved named children

"the fireflies had to gnaw ares' claw off of his corpse bc you wouldnt let go of your friends claw. its been almost three weeks and the viscera has dried and glued it to your grip. we cant get it off without breaking your finger. you gotta let go of your friends corpse, twelve year old boy"

twitchtip.

forcing the twelve year old into a prophesied battle where he will die, and making him dissociate so hard for months he blankly allows others to make him cause/be complicit in war crimes

HAHA HEY THE SAPIENT, INTELLIGENT MICE DYING BY THE HUNDREDS SUFFOCATING ON POISON GAS WHILE A TODDLER SINGS A NURSERY SONG ABOUT THE MICE DYING.

the six year old boy losing literally everyone hes ever known and cared for over and over again

just so much violent gore and death for middle schoolers, man. i love it.

hey that was objectively a good and well done ending. and i also loved it. but "hey gregor my husband was in the war. he had ptsd that will never go away just like you" hey hes twelve :( someone help him

prim's death in the hunger games has nothing on the shit collins pulled in the underland chronicles this is like a tiny chunk please read them

[kitashousewife]

in its place

an: i'm back with a full piece! this is based on alonica by LANY. this is probably my new favorite song and it is SO powerful. i recommend listening to it!

pairings: timeskip!atsumu x fem!reader

warnings: angst! stress! dissociation! angst to comfort, mentions of eating and drinking, established relationship

-

the weeks have dragged on lately, days seeming almost excruciatingly long no matter how many breaks are taken. the end of the summer has decided to go out like a lion.

schedule changes, and last-minute plans that grab the entire structure of the day with a greedy fist. long days, longer nights, and limited sleep.

needless to say, atsumu is suffering.

little by little, you've noticed atsumu become almost a shell of himself. it started off subtly, with small moments of him losing attention or ending the conversation quicker. short chats turned into silence after a couple weeks.

about three weeks ago, atsumu began losing interest in everything. typically one for sharing every detail of his day with you, gushing about his incredible practices or a new PR while lifting with the team, he was nothing if not excited. lately though, despite your best efforts, you can't get more than a few words out of him.

his smiles are small, his eyes are tired. atsumu's laugh travels through the house in both volume and joy, boisterous and contagious and full love life. now though, it's hollow.

numb, is how he put it the other night.

after a long day for the both of you, atsumu sat on the couch with your head on his shoulder. he didn't say much, only asking about your day and nodding along for the duration of your story. when he didn't react to some rather juicy gossip from work, you sat up. he jumped slightly at your abruptness, but said nothing.

"atsumu, im worried about you."

his ears rang from the silence. he opened his mouth to speak, but shut it quickly.

"do you want to talk about it?" you hold his hand and look at him. he nods.

"i don't feel like myself," he whispers. "im overwhelmed, i'm over it. everything. im gettin' sick of volleyball, i'm tired of coach and his shit advice," he sighs.

"i just don't know what to do."

that night, the two of you planned a trip. once the weekend came, the two of you would drive a couple hours down the coast, stay in a hotel, and spend the weekend relaxing and recovering.

when the weekend finally came, you could feel the relief washing over atsumu. he was smiling wider, he was speaking louder, and he couldn't stop asking when it was time to leave. when he began driving, he tossed his phone into your lap.

"pick somethin' sweetheart, we've got a long road ahead."

the drive went by rather quickly, and lots of stories were exchanged between the two of you. atsumu shared a story from his youth, when his mom got time off work and took him and osamu to the coast for the weekend. he was cracking up, grinning ear to ear, and you were doing anything you could to keep him going.

you arrived to your hotel around sunset, and atsumu rushed to check the two of you in to give you guys enough time to catch it on the sand. the two of you rushed down, laid a blanket down and sat down just in time for the sun to kiss the waves.

"just in time," you sigh, and he kisses your forehead.

"thanks to me, ya couldn't find the entrance to the hotel. i'm never gonna forget that," he smirks.

"how could you? you bring it up every few minutes," you nudge his side and he snorts.

the sun sets in silence, waves crashing with a hum as twilight takes over the sky.

atsumu feels restless. half of him wishes he would've stayed home, anxious about the work he's leaving behind. the other half of him is ecstatic to be away from it all.

the worry and the thoughts bubble up, slowly until they begin to sit at the top of his stomach. he's settling in, but with each passing moment he feels soaked with emotion and a yearning he can't explain.

his eyes look up at the sky and widen in amazement. the tranquility, the stillness, and the calming feeling become too much for him.

the stars glow against the purple sky, almost too bright to be real. the sand under his palms is cool and grounding, and his throat tightens.

he blinks once, twice, three times. slowly, then all at once, atsumu begins to sob as every emotion shatters the dam in his chest, flowing out mightily with their release.

you wrap your arms around his torso as he shakes, chest bouncing as the tears roll down his face, angelic as they sparkle in the moonlight. after a few minutes, he calms down, sniffling as he catches his breath.

"sorry," he sniffs, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands.

"never apologize for crying, 'tsum. you are safe with me," you rub his back.

"i don't know the last time i cried like that," he looks out towards the water again. "everything is just so beautiful, i can't explain it but i just feel so relieved,"

you nod. he pulls you closer.

"even though were a few hours away, i feel at home with ya here. i feel full again,"

he pulls you in for a kiss, deep and special as the world freezes around the two of you. the type of kiss that feels like jumping into a pool, losing your breath, and taking a deep breath of air all at the same time.

"i love you," he sniffles again, cheeks wet with tears and eyes crinkling from a smile.

the two of you stay out well past dark, splashing in the water like children and dancing in the moonlight without any music at all. the two of you run in the sand that feels almost never-ending, filling both of your souls with relief and grounding each other in love and support.

atsumu falls asleep quickly that night, mind clear for the first time in weeks. he holds you close and rests with a smile.

[casually-slips-into-coma]

spoilers for iwtv s2e4

my thoughts after a rewatch:

i know claudia hates the baby loves window play but she ate up that little song

the lulu role really is so humiliating :(

louis’ expressions whenever he watches these plays always kills me lmao he hates theater kids

louis and armand talking over each other to daniel

armands theater notes lol

claudia no eyebrow big eyeliner look is kinda cunty ngl

im a fan of sam the irish vampire

making claudia be lulu all the time oooh armand i hate u so bad

almost threw up watching louis and armand give different answers to the companion question IN FRONT OF THE COVEN that shit was so embarrassing

i wouldve kms if i was armand

vamp catfight

armand stuck in this situationship dont worry king we’ve all been there😔

literally telling each other i love you and still having the what are we conversation

“do you notice how hot the room gets when you two talk about the secret” plsssss

louis only able to use the fire gift when hes angry👀👀 gee i wonder if thats gonna come back👀👀👀👀👀

louis going🤨🤨 to the schizophrenia question like it came out of nowhere

armands face while louis talked about dreamstat why not just shoot me in the head

loving these dutch angles whenever daniel dissociates and gets an armand memory

santiago looks so good in the gold suit? robe thing??

claudia santiago friendship is killing me santiago i know what u are

claudia killing the guy singing baby lu

i like that you can tell claudias french has gotten better. nice small detail

i love scenes of louis and claudia just talking about non vampire things

santiago mimicking louis was pretty cool

buffoon sighting!!!

whole dinner scene bangs

the guy saying theres smth “fragile” about armand in the photo louis took and louis saying “no he’s anything but” and then the guy saying “you’ve captured the soul he hides” 🤌🤌

louis would never survive a 4 hour art school critique

daniel telling a girl he’d only do her if she had a paper bag over her head??????

claudeline truthers how are we feeling

context for the eating paper clip in the trailer

romeo!!

armand is so down bad its sick

madeline tailoring a yellow dress for claudia😟😟

the whole claudeline interaction was great

amadeo☹️🔫

MARIUS KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!!

the way armand talks about marius

MARIUS KILL YOURSELF x2!!!!!!

“no one has painted me in 400 years” fuck

madeline period blood moment. theres so much here about femininity and maturing might make a separate post about this scene

armand pinning claudia against a wall armand i hate you so bad

we already know that armand is powerful but seeing him choke and manhandle santiago really solidified that i think

picked another one over me!!

delainey is ACTINGGGGG

louis not believing claudia about armand ooooh louis i hate you so bad

love makes you stupid clock it

louis still referring to claudia as his daughter in his head (thru dreamstat)

louis just actively talking to himself girl do that in your head

park bench moment <3

“wanker” i giggled sorry

that suit is his favorite on him :(

“im a little wet” and armand instantly pulling out an umbrella, armand lighting his cigarette, armand calling him maitre

louis calling him arun and armand calling him maitre and then louis throwing away the lighter this fucking scene is cinematic art

the other coven members calling santiago maitre

i kinda like that daniel can hear them arguing from another room. i feel like its a very human experience? really domestic? even given the circumstances

armands eyes were never brown!!!

san francisco flashback episode might kill me im not kidding

insane way to end the episode

ok this was much longer than i thought it would be but this episode has a lot in it. each episode gets better and better and this is definitely my favorite of the season so far.

i am LOVING louis and armands relationship and also both of their story arcs and characterizations. their dynamic is kind of the opposite of what i, and i think a lot of other people, expected but it still makes total sense and im enjoying it a lot

god i love this show

[angellurgy]

im gonna try not to vent nearly as much in case i go soon, but id like to put down some thoughts so.

i dont feel like im anything at this point. everything people see me as is wrong in some way (or many). even my anxious attitude irl is only cause im in the worst situation ever, its not who i am, i used to be and still want to be social and outgoing and doing shit all the time. the way i act irl is barely me its just a depressed exhaustion or stimming dog excited to hang out with someone, the way i act online isnt fully me either because i have to change my words a little or else ill be alone, and im not given the space to have interests i can post. i was never really allowed to have 'interests' as a kid, so now i just have little things as dissociation tools, and i cant get into any hobbies bc im depressed and need help. but i want to have interests so bad and used to, and i still have some smaller ones, but its like impossible when im homeless (and whenever i become not homeless bc i need to take a mental break), but i used to be into things. i feel like all i have become is just an idea, which in practice is nothing.

what is left of me yk? i feel like im nothing. im not connected to my body, its not 'me' its not how 'i' look and never has been. ive never rlly been fat in my head and dreams, just chubby, like when i was 230 last summer that was my most 'me' look. but i look in the mirror now and i dont see myself i see something ive had to carry with me this whole time while owning it with a straight face. i still try to make myself hot n ik it is decently hot but still. not a big fan. i feel like, a soul swirling in the brainspace but what i pilot is something seperate of me, even though it is 'my' body and i feel everything it feels, it feels wrong. this sucks and idk why im talking about it here, i have nothing else to rlly do about it tho so. yeah

[cheesecake-the-chicken]

anyways so about that singlet thing ^^’ (tw for dissociation and syscourse/system origins under the cut)

i’ve been doing some research into it and i’m pretty sure i’m median. we think we used to be a singlet until a really recent period of heavy dissociation, when the original self fractured and became us. im still kind of the “core” of the original self, but the others are the parts of him that branched off.

at first we thought i had synthesized/imagined them or that i was pretending, but things have kinda stayed this way for a while lol. i have really bad dissociative amnesia as of late so i cant honestly tell you how long it’s been like this or if there have been many signs leading up to it, but what i do know is that there’s been a distinct “we” that was separate from “i”.

according to the terms commonly used here (and i could VERY easily be mistaken!), we are probably “mixed origin”? it’s hard to say but the fracturing is a very recent development, caused by heavy dissociation due to Reasons

i’m not gonna lie i used to err on the side of caution when it came to endogenic systems, i didn’t want to assume anything as a (then?) singlet because it wasn’t and tbh still isn’t my place. but this has definitely opened my eyes and made me realize that i could very easily be seen as faking, even though i’m (most likely) not.

i’m still hesitant to call myself a system because i REALLY don’t want to if it isn’t my place to, and we only know so much about ourselves so far. we originally thought we were just aspects of the same person that got emphasized, but we understand it better that we are fragments of the consciousness of the same person. we don’t have osdd i believe, but we do have c-ptsd and the theory of secondary structural dissociation really fits us.

therefore, i think i’m going to change my dni to include anyone who’s sysmed or tries to fakeclaim others. it’s my understanding that very few people on this website are psychologists/psychologists/neuroscientists/doctors, and nobody’s experience is universal. so little is understood about plurality and the brain in general, and i don’t want to be mutuals with anyone who feels it’s their place to police other peoples’ experiences

i probably cant answer any personal questions about it right now in my/our best interest, but just know that i’m getting the help i need! i’m just hoping to find maybe anyone else who has similar experiences or is also median. i may post/rb about it more in the future

love you guys! sorry for the ooc kinda post

[anti-endo-safe-space]

Where do i begin.. i guess im just gonna rant really. I only fairly recently (as a month or so ago) became anti endo. And to say that takes a lot, really. I used to be a diehard supporter, that nobody should be silenced, but it didnt help that my first introduction to systems was, unfortunately, a pro endo server that basically indoctrinated me. "Dont ask too many questions or else your a sysmed". God i hate the word sysmed now because of realizing how stupid of a term it is. Like??? Your for real gonna get mad at people with the actual disorder telling you your not having the disorder???? Yk, the people who are actually diagnosed???? Your gonna play make believe???

A lot of excuses endos make is that the brain is so complex that it cant possibly be just because of trauma, but. Its literally been proven multiple times its from trauma or another source of dissociated identity (ex, bpd and did being comorbid as we have it, along with trauma). We even had a friend who literally decided to go to school for psychology, WHILE THEY WERE PRO ENDO. like im sorry but your gonna sorely be disappointed that the disorder is in fact a disorder!

Endogenics made my own system discovery and journey ten times harder because of their reluctance to answer questions in a clear way, and now our system feels.. flipped on its head, almost. Nobody talks about when your a system an your headmates have opposing views of endogenics. It fucking sucks. It fucking sucks that endogenics were stemmed from an over 20 year old anti did campaign. It sucks it stemmed from ableism. It all fucking sucks.

Ive lost friends from my realization, ive lost mutuals, ive lost people i held no malice towards, and i was more than willing to let them have their opinion that opposed mine. I dont care. But it hurts that the did community in general has become so hostile. We cant even have spaces where we can speak of our disorder without being fakeclaimed or infiltrated by people who dont even have our disorder. Its frustrating that so many endogenics try an separate the disorder part and make them seem totally separate to themselves, or outright erase our experiences. An its so fucking frustrating.

I want to be good for our system. I want to better ourselves for all of us. But endogenics really love bringing out the little hater in me now that i see the truth (and lies) that people say they have good faith towards. Is it really good faith when your making a fucking joke out of our trauma disorder??? No, jamie, you cant just magically spawn anime boy 420 in your head an say hes a totally separate person. Your brain is still in your skull, not split off an on the sidewalk next to you.

I dunno. This may be coherent, it may not, idk. Im tired though. Im tired of being in such a hostile community that doesnt know how to treat people with DID anymore NORMALLY. i may not have control on the outer world around me, but i can sure as hell try and help my inner community, the did community, to make it safer from misinformation. Its just hard.

!!!

[risingscorchingsuns]

hey guys! my posting/writing/general activity is probably going to get a little slower for a bit. i’ll still be here, but im going through a tough time right now. its been a frankly pretty awful week and im getting the feeling its gonna be rough for at least a solid minute. longer explanation below if you’d like it, but tw for mentions of trauma and abuse.

So ive mentioned it before, but i have complex PTSD. my parents split when i was very young, and my stepmom moved in with my dad almost immediately afterwards. when i try and remember it too much my brain gets foggy, but to put it simply, she was horrifically abusive to me and my younger siblings. she resented us for being born, as living reminders that my mother got to my father first. for over a decade she was the sole adult influence in my life, and from the age of eleven she manipulated me to believe she was the only person in the world i could trust. she bullied me for my neurodivergence, my appearance, my interests, anything she could get to lord over me. i had no escape for most of my formative years, because she cut me off and isolated me from any form of support I could possibly have, from trying to force me to change schools to convincing me my own father gave up on me. I only cut her off permanently last year.

Summers are really, really hard for me. When she and my dad moved across the country, I had to spend summers in Texas with her, and her alone. I had nobody. In a state far away from everyone who loved me, where she had full control and access to any form of communication. She’d regularly go through my messages I sent to friends, partners, even my mother to make sure I wasn’t “making up lies about her”. I was trapped, and completely, utterly isolated. Every day was about survival, and every day was about just making it to that night, through that hour, through that minute. Every single minute I lived in anticipation of the next, walking on eggshells to appease her impossible standards. When the weather starts to get warmer, my brain starts to anticipate going back there. I shut down, and go into survival mode. I have a tendency to isolate, though it’s something I’m working on.

The weather is starting to warm up where I live. I’m starting to get nightmares again, and I wake up feeling heavy. I’m stressed out all the time, and I constantly feel either hypervigilant to the point of paralysis, or completely dissociated. I know I’m in for a rough patch until my brain realizes I dont have to go back, and settles down my trauma responses. But it may be a while before that happens. I only ask to please be patient with me for a little while. I’m really sorry.

It’s hard for me to admit I’m not doing well. I might take this down if I find myself overthinking it. I will have good days, I always do. But for now, I’m in a bit of a dark place, and I deeply apologize for the resulting change in my interactions. I love you all deeply, and I want you to know I’m safe- I have a support system, and I dont ever have to see her again. I’m in a better place than I used to be, and I’m stronger every year. But the weather is starting to warm up, and I’m starting to shut down.

Please be well. I’ll respond to things as best I can, and I’ll still be around when I’m able.

Leon 🪲

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

(apologies for the long backstory, i swear theres a question in here) ive always struggled with poor mental health including severe anxiety and an eating disorder, which has translated into some strong mental blocks when it comes to sex and intimacy. i like sex and i consider myself someone with a pretty high libido but it is just so difficult for me to be comfortable with another person, especially when bodies are involved. when i was in my late teens/early twenties i would just try to push through those feelings which resulted in some really really bad experiences. i made the decision to back off from sex and relationships to avoid some of that dysfunction, but while it might have been a smart idea to take a break, its now been 6+ years and it feels time to try again. ive worked through a lot of things and am in an overall better mental state, but i also know that its still gonna be very hard for me! admittedly, the idea of being intimate/vulnerable with another person, or just the idea of someone looking at me for too long, still makes me want to seize up. so, which actually brings me to my question, do you have advice/tips on communicating with partners that sex and body stuff is still hard and I might need to take it easy? when i was younger, i had no idea how to communicate what i was dealing with, and i at least have the words now, but i feel just so out of practice and like i dont even know where to start. how do i explain that i run the risk of freezing or panicking or dissociating even with a good partner? im a little scared im just going to continue avoiding that conversation, and thus continue to avoid sex and dating even though it's something i genuinely want to do. any advice would be very very appreciated!

hey anon,

I have great news: you actually just did the dang thing. like, you explained the situation very well to me! you clearly know how to do it! if/when you reach a point when you've got someone you like and want to get sexually intimate with, you can literally just tell them the same things you told me. "hey, I've taken a long break from sex for my own reasons and I'm excited to get back into it with you but also a little nervous. here are some things I'm worried may happen during sex; can we talk about them and what we should do if the situation arises?"

you've already done 99% of the work right here babe you just need to like. actually say that to a potential sexual partner and you're good.

[oscill4te]

. long ass post

Okay.... wail. according to ERS nijenhuis (a psychologist notable for his research in dissociative disorders), there were a few french psychologists in the 19th century who were the first to really take note of not only psychological dissociation, but also the somatic (BODILY) effects of dissociation!!! There are negative (the taking away of) and positive (the adding of) somatic effects. Lets go into the negative first.

In particular, Janet Pierre noted that some patients would experience a loss of normal bodily functions. This was all referred to as mental stigmata!!! Negative dissociative symptoms- the taking away something, such as senses or movement. Some examples include: loss of bodily senses like sight (visual anesthesia), touch (tactile anesthesia) inability to feel pain (analgesia), a loss of motor movements (kinesthetic anesthesia), ect. (Pg 15)

then theres mental accidents, which are the positive dissociative somatic symptoms, the -adding- of sensations, or other phenomena. Generally what ppl referred to as "hysteria" back then. Some of these include: Fixed ideas based on trauma that are not in tangent with reality with a high emotional charge, feeling somatic pain of things that happened years ago (pain urinating when there is no medical cause for example, very common in survivors), dysethesia (intrusive sensations that are not painful such as feeling a brush-like sensation on your skin that corresponds with a past lived event), ect..... (pg 17)

Nijenhuis and other researchers have taken these ideas from french psychologists and created the SDQ-20, a diagnostic test that tries to assess whether patients with dissociative disorders and trauma experienced the above phenomena in any significant manner. Turns out there was a high correlation of somatic dissociative symptoms in patients with diagnosed dissociative disorders (no surprise there).

Soooo many implications but can I really explain it all?!? No. Lol. :^) many ppl try to imply that dissociative disorders are not real and just misdiagnosed Bipolar Mood Disorder (or even BPD, different from BMD, but here I am gonna just focus on BMD since that is what the book discusses.)... this is all courtesy of a lovely little asshole name Merksey (i feel animated rn srry)(pg.82)

In these tests we are seeing that those with BMD do not score as high on the SDQ-20 for the -somatic- dissociative symptoms nor psychological dissociative symptoms. While people with dissociative disorders -did- score very high for both psychological and somatic symptoms of dissociation. (Pg. 75 & 76)

Omg theres soooo much more to say. still reading the book but im excited to see how nijenhuis refutes the claim that Merksey made abt did and osdd just being misdiagnosed BMD.

Its taking me months to chug thru this book but its slowly absorbing. Like a sponge. I take in information very slowly. Mostly due to issues with concentrating. Lol.... shyly gonna press post.

Im bored >_< this is the book btw

[puppyparkmoving]

☢5: Meet-cute - a (late) safeshiptember fic☢

Characters: Brandy and Benny Word count: 860 Description: ough uhm? They knew each other their whole lives but she was in a constant state of dissociation so this is the first time she really interaxted back with him. I'm projecting. It has no dialogue its really muddled and messy as its the internal perspective of someone wirh ptsd processing something. Im also not putting this one thru grammar checks so if it sucks it sucks. Warnings: Domestic abuse is alluded to, brief non detailed murder description

It had been months since Brandy had faked her death and high tailed it out of the way of the Bootriders. Bingo was a joke of a leader. Old fashioned and small minded. He didn't give a shit what happened. He cared about himself. Just like her miserable disgusting father. She wasn't safe or comfortable in the outskirts of the old abandoned strip. But it was the closest shes ever been to happiness. She wasn't weak. He made sure of that long ago. So the occassional fiend or overly curious individual would either leave right away or join the pile of bodies across the way from her "home". Shed been in contact with the folks at Camp Mcarran. Did most of her trading with them. A cute little butch asked her if she'd be interested in joining. But she didn't care to make fighting her living. Every day had been a bloody fucking war for her whole life. Theoretically. She was friends with some folks in Freeside and Westside. Some of the select few living in the outskirts near her too. They were like neighbors. Kind of. There was the semblance of normalcy in her life at last.

So when Benny Gecko showed up in his bloodied up gecko-skin vest she was understandably defensive. Any familiar face was a nightmare to her. Shed thought they'd seen through her fake corpse she set up and the suicide note. Come to take her back to the Bootriders. To her dad. But he was quick to diffuse it with his silver tongue and rare sincerity. He meant her no harm. He apparently came with great news. So she invited him in for some coffee. Her place was a little flashy from months of looting and gathering. Almost like shed lived there her whole life. But she was really just hoarding because abuse had taught her nothing is useless. She saw herself in the items tossed out in the trash. And somehow the little hoarder's house was quaint and cozy. Something her neighbors and friends would tell her often.

She was bringing him a cup of coffee and apologizing for not remembering him well. It wasn't her fault but she couldn't remember most of her life. Like she was in a haze. Until she left. She was sure he was nice but she didn't want to go back and was politely urging him to have his coffee and leave. He was just a connection to her past. But he told her she didn't have to come back. That there was no gang to come back to. No dad to worry about. He'd killed him. With a knife in his sleep. So he didn't have time to reflect. Said he didnt deserve it. He was gone. Apologized he didn't know it was happening until she left. That she was in so much misery until it was too late. But he'd been admiring her for a long time even though she didnt let anyone close. So he knew the corpse wasn't hers. Didn't have those "round rosy cheeks" as he put it. So he killed him. And Bingo. He was in charge now. Didn't matter how much blood was on his hands cause he said they got an offer. And they were gonna start over somewhere new. And she could come with him if she wanted. Never be scared or alone again. He was there now. He'd take care of her. He promised.

She had dropped a cup somewhere in his ramblings while she was speechless. It had reminded her of her father anyways. Old in a bad and tacky way. She didn't ask him anything about what happened or how he did it. She didn't ask about the offer to move to the fancy strip. She asked him to stay the night with her. Not to get any ideas but she wanted company and one last night in her home before she decided if shed leave. He accepted and sent word to his friend Swank he'd be by in the morning. By the time he'd come back shed swept up the broken cup and put it in the trash. Turned on some music. Seemed bright and the first real smile shed had in front of him plastered on her face. Invited him into her bedroom and laid with him the whole evening. Talking and getting to know each other. Something shed never done with anyone her whole life. He was the first. She teased him for the few things she remembered about him growing up. And he didn't treat her poor for not remembering much. Teased him about her admiring her so long. Teased him for how silly he was gonna look in a fancy suit.

When night fell she cried a little. Then a lot. Then a little. He didn't push her or pry. He just soothed her with his honeyed words. She leaned into him and he pulled the covers over them. Held her tight and rocked her till she fell asleep. And she stayed asleep peacefully for the first time as well. Knowing he was there. Knowing she was safe with him.

[anti-endo-haven]

not exactly sure how to trigger tag this so tldr: venting about an ex friend who fakeclaimed me and a therapist i used to have who didnt really help me and kinda did the opposite (probably not on purpose, but it still kinds fucked some things up for me)

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thinking about the times ive talked about the possibility of having did with an old online friend of mine (who was a singlet) and they never believed me. i did so much research and trying to open up about it but when they told me i should stop it felt like everything i knew had fallen apart and was different

back then i remember before i told him about it i actually had known about some alters i had, they had actual names and personalities and even innerworld features. i remember one of them was a little kid with blonde hair and a pink dress and a black cat hat (exactly like a hat i used to have irl) i havent seen her around anywhere in a couple years sadly, since my friend told me i was faking. i wish she was around longer because she seemed really sweet. i think she went dormant bc of the stress our friend had put us through

i remember i had what i assume was a full switch to her which is why i wanted to talk to someone about it but the online friend i had at the time would constantly fakeclaim me and say things like "you cant be a system if youre under the age of 20" (even though... systems usually develop before the age of 10) and "youre faking because your typing is weird" (this alter was a little, a fucking child, so of course her grammar wasnt gonna be perfect) i literally remember switching to her as me and this person were talking and they still thought i was faking because "you just learned about this disorder and now youre acting like you have it" (maybe because.. ive had it for so long that when i finally found the words that have helped me describe it im trying to embrace it and learn to heal. maybe because for most of my childhood i felt like something deep inside me was wrong and broken and when i found out about did things suddenly started clicking for me)

even my therapist at the time didnt even try to figure out why i thought i had such a serious disorder, she just immediately dismissed it when i brought it up with her. i find it a bit funny though because before i brought up did with her she had told me i probably have *some kind* of dissociative disorder (she never specified) and she even gave me meds for it (which honestly made it worse, i can only remember like one thing from that time period and it was someone telling me "my energy felt off") while i dont think a therapist should always immediately agree with their patient when it comes to trying to diagnose something i think they should try to help them figure out if what theyre suspecting is truly what they are dealing with or if its something else, ykwim?

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im so sorry for this being so long :( i didnt mean for it to be but it still ended up being a whole essay .. anyway this is my first time posting to this blog so hi !

id like to claim an anon tag, would 🌌🕹️ or tsc/the stardust crusaders be okay?

That ex-friend is wild… You can absolutely be a system under the age of 20, I’ve seen 14 year olds get an official diagnosis and be able to get some help/support for it. Not a lot of people might know about it until they’re older especially in therapy because they have to cross bases and make sure it isn’t something else. And even if someone does months/years of research, they might not fully know or be questioning for a while.

Some people also accept it faster than others. That doesn’t make them fake either. For us, we had started questioning when we were around 19, doing research and everything to help out and going to different sources, we’re now 20 and a little bit past the “I’m fake” self-doubt (imposter syndrome) and doing what we can to function.

Your therapist should have absolutely made sure to cross bases. I’m not saying that in like a bad way. But the medication pushing just… isn’t it. That seems really strange to me to just agree, not ask questions on why, and just give medication out like that…

But you guys aren’t fake, that friend is gone, hopefully that therapist, too. I hope you all are doing better!

And, yep! You can claim all of those!

[the-marcos-family-sucks-ass]

Hi....If you don't mind, can I ask, what are your top 10 (or top 7) favorite media (can be books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series)? Why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before......Thanks....

of course 👍👍 i have not answered this question before . here u are :

1. Mob Psycho 100 - i genuinely think this anime has completely changed the way i view life, other people and also myself forever, and also has made me feel more comfortable in confronting and talking more with people. its also really cute uniquely-animated show with silly funny characters. #reigen4life

2. Mystery To Iunakare (Don't Call It Mystery) - while i think this jdrama/manga is fairly unknown internationally, in japan its quite popular. Even with the lack of international love, i am obssessed with it, because i like how its homoerotic as hell, the little mysteries, how it portrays did (dissociative identity disorder; this disorder is extremely stigmatized so its nice to have a character that is a somewhat realistic portrayal of it), sympathy for abuse victims and that they're completely justified in killing their abusers, silly guys befriending random criminals on ths street, etc. It's a fun show that has an aura of tragedy surrounding it, and i love comedy and tragedy!!!!!!

3. Move To Heaven (kdrama) - every episode, i cried, straight up bawling my eyes out at how this show chooses to portray the dead through their belongings. the cinematography is so breathtakingly beautiful and makes me feel so calm and peaceful even though ik im gonna be crying in the next few minutes.

my favorite episode is episode 9, where i relate to kang seong-min/matthew green, being treated as a foreigner in your own home country hit hard. the loneliness and the frustration of people treating you differently because they see you as an alien that doesn't know where it is and doesn't understand anything. it hits even harder the more times i rewatch it.

it also has my 3 faves things in a show: autism, queerness and tragedy!!

4. D.P (deserter pursuit; kdrama) - this show is such a good critique of the military and toxic masculinity. i haven't finished season 2, but it's still at the top of my list because of how much emotions it made me feel, anger sadness disgust etc. like !!!!!!! i hold so deeply in my heart the nuances of trauma. queerness. tragedy. the way mandatory rotc brings so many people to their lowest point in life while the military does nothing to help them. victims of abuse never being able to get their voices heard or make an impact despite sacrificing their own life in order to make a change.

idk, its just a really cute and silly show ^-^

5. I Told Sunset About You (tv series) - in every episode i cried as well, sobbing screaming running around the walls WAILING. i like how it portrays the struggle of being a poor bisexual asian person who has just recently found out they're queer.

i love the whole "self hatred and unwillingness to accept your identity, causing you to hurt others in the process" thing, because it makes teh a more nuanced character to me, that he's not perfect or flawless and that he's a person that does not know how to react to finding out he's queer, having to constantly feel pressured to be better than his older brother, feeling pressured to repress his identity, etc. etc.

(i don't know if i can say the same for the second addition, "i promised you the moon", though, that one was mostly just fine, not as good as the original, but fine.)

6. The Untamed/Mo Dao Zu Shi (cdrama vers.) - i feel like you already know the answer as to why i like this one alot. its tragic, its queer, its convuluted, it has so many dead characters, etc. everything i love to see in media all put together!! wen ning my son 🫶🫶🫶

7. Everything Everywhere All At Once (movie) - this movie made me kind of understand me and my foster grandmother's relationship more, and has really influenced me to work on communicating with her better, and that i can do silly shit that makes me happy all i want. Forever. seriously made me want to continue living on despite my own country not being able to accept my queer existence.

8. Call Me Chihiro/Chihiro-san (movie) - one thing i love about call me chihiro is its calm chaoticness, how the protag just seems to go with the flow of life. i think the relationships chihiro forms with the people in the town are so beautiful and personal ,, it feels so peaceful and happy despite all the bad things that happen in it, like there's this hopefulness and composed even under pressure type of vibe to it that made me tie it close to my heart

9. Saving Face (movie) - this movie is pretty much SUPER ICONIC in like, the world of asian lesbian films, and for a pretty good reason too,, i feel like it emulates so much of the average lesbian experience with having an Asian family. the casual racism from the mother, the lesbophobia, the matchmaking, the constant peer pressuring into getting a boyfriend, etc etc. i cannot think of one scene in this movie where it didn't directly remind me of lesbian tomfoolery that happened in my life.

it's also just a really cute movie about acceptance and has a good ending (which is rare for lesbian films)

10. Marry My Dead Body (movie) - the concept of this movie is unusual but the execution is so good i can't even. like it made me cry 3 seperate times. while not obssessed with this movie that much, so i can't talk too much of it but its cute!!!!! i thought i was going to get the ick bc of the homophobic main character but he started to grow on me the more he changed his views when he got accidentally ghost married to a guy. and also how they got each others backs all the time and won't hesitate to sacrifice themselves to protect the other is so real. #lintzuchingfan4life

[system-of-a-feather]

Dude yesterday was mean and I'm gonna vent for my maybe IFS maybe fused-blurred unidentified little that is genuinely okay now but pouty that yesterday was mean >:[

Cause not only did youtube randomly terminate my music account that I was actually paying for rather than pirating for the past like 6-8 months cause we moved from spotify cause spotify sucked and didnt have our music >:[ Like we really did nothign with that account except music specifically to keep the algorithm suggesting and finding music we liked and not being confused by anything else so we literally didnt do anything >:[

And like we're autistic so on that level alone music is important and necessary for self regulation when we get sensory overload (which can be pretty frequent) but we ALSO had a lot of "little T" trauma around Apple deleting our music without warning and without us knowing when we went to school in middle/high school which - at the time also served as a trauma grounding / dissociation-giving / safe space and we'd have full meltdowns and panic attacks over our music randomly disappearing so it WASNT FUN to have this happen when we've been being good because it brought up unhappy feelings >:[ And I know things happen and it doesn't always have a reason but it still sucks cause we absolutely did nothing wrong >:[

But ALSO our parents were planning on having early Turkey Day (fuck thanksgiving; we use this day to honor the sacrifice and service that poultry will do to supporting mankind as growing food demand increases) and it was all good and everything, we were planning our meals to align to make us pleasantly hungry at the time that we were supposed to eat but our mom's oven for NO reason just stopped working on the exact day she would actually use it and so there was an hour or so of trying to figure out what to do but by the time we were anywhere close to them figuring out a plan it was almost the time we planned to eat and so we were hungry and without food and already lately having OCD flare ups so we were being easily set off my body contamination stuff that walks the line of ED territory and had already been snacking and >:[

We couldn't eat more otherwise we'd be haunted by OCD intrusive thoughts about body contamination at dinner, but we were also starving and we have food-insecurity trauma so waiting while hungry would make us dysregulated too and it just SUCKED but we called the shot like an adult and asked if we could postpone it a day so we could eat and not be grumpy and have the day stink and we did so we ate and its all good and fine but >:[

Yesterday sucked >:[ We managed and we didn't have a breakdown but it REALLY wasn't a nice day and we had to use all of our brain's coping skills to keep it an okay day >:[

But you know, youtube gave us our account back quickly and I'm still mad at them so I'm pouty-child-like refusing to reinstate my subscription until I Get Over it, but its back and thats good and Loki Season 2's second half soundtrack was released which is GOOD GOOD GOOD so >:[

Im angy but >:[ Im genuinely alright Im just angy >:[