#im just being confused and venting to the void

[sparklingrayn]

Thinking about diagnosis and such

Symptoms exist before a diagnosis, that is a fact.

Diagnosis is a bunch of symptoms strongly tied with each other? Its a way to put a lable on whats happening and how to treat it effectively.

Symptoms overlap and repeat across the criteria, it gets confusing...

Some people can't afford or too afraid to have some random person pick apart their way of being to be given a diagnosis.

Or some people believe they simply dont need a diagnosis.

I feel like i haven't suffered enough to get looked at. I'm....functional enough.

Point im getting at is tho, I found it helpful going into various mental health spaces online, finding out how other people cope and live their life and applied it to myself.

Finding vent blogs and just giving myself an understanding and perspective on things.

I wish i can give advice to everyone but I feel like my words will be empty.

We as humans have different needs unique to us. Problems and complexities that are many.

Patterns are easy to get swept up into and compare to yourself, invalidating your unique experience.

If it lessens your suffering, its okay to apply skills found by others even if you don't have the same diagnosis. If you feel better at the end of the day do what you need to do.

Not everyone fits in a cookie cutter model.

Mental health should be inclusive to everyone, no matter the lable or whatever. I hate seeing so much divide and stigmatism against certain disorders and people.

Im just one girl shouting out in the void. All i can do is be kind to everyone i meet and hope that small kindness makes and impact in their day

[mouseynest]

"pachew! pew pew!!!!"

a zilly zcreenzhot from iii, but i would like to talk about zomething a bit more perzonal

Just kind of rant-ish, but I feel like Cabby is REALLY misunderstood. She's one of the few characters in the show id thought people would really connect with/relate to, but most of what I see is slander or hate. I could see why people argue that she is a 'stalker' or 'creepy' but those are the same people who also really like fan. Fan and Cabby have some things in common that most people forget??? They both are deemed, 'smart', both know a lot about the contestants/the show, and were at one point hated by others because of it. Cabby was also in the right by trying to get Fan eliminated (he literally invaded her privacy and some people just ignore that????). Now, her teammates had some reason to vote for her. Expecting people to act just how they're written in file? Thinking you're friends with someone (test tube) when really they either don't like you or see you mutually? *cough* AUTISM *cough cough*.

(This next bit is kinda vent-ish so if you feel uncomfy reading that kind of stuff, you should prob click off now!!!)

Cabby has a problem that I and others face, that being unable to truly understand the closeness of friends. This is really brought up in her relationship with test tube, her looking up to her and really wanting to be her friend/ally, and test tube only seeing her as an enemy, or rarely, just a teammate. In episode ten when Cabby rejoins, She is very surprised at the others on the island cheering for her after winning. She obviously didn't realize they viewed her this way.

It's hard learning that your idol, your 'best friend', your role model only sees you as a friend, an acquaintance, a nobody, or even an enemy. It leaves this void, a hole, and you feel betrayed, stabbed in the back, and you're just mad at yourself that you didn't realize it. Usually, you feel this way until you find 'them' and your whole world revolves around them, and the cycle repeats. The best feeling in it is the little attention, the conversations even with said person.

Not trying to put the blame on anyone, so I'm not gonna say who, but recently I had a conversation with one of my idols, and I really see them as a friend!! I wanna support them as a friend!!! I wanna make gifts, show my admiration, and joke with them!!! but whenever I realize that they have other friends, or that they barely know me, I feel crushed!!! I feel that void, the hole in my chest from before. It aches, realizing that I have/had no chance of being friends with such a cool person!!

(this feels like im getting a fking BOULDER off my back just by saying this)

(it also felt really hard to write this because i was CONSTANTLY rephrasing everything, hoping it never sounded too complicated or obvious. There's also just lines here im just plainly confused with, but whats the point of caring about that now if no one's gonna see this [probably] )

( gh)

(Photo by @mentallystrider on Pinterest!!)

[clippy]

okay this is just gonna be a bunch of rambling so feel free to ignore this cuz it's mostly just me kinda venting and Processing feelings abt being objecto into the void

like okay. i am in a spot where i think i have a very complex relationship w my objecto-ness because of how it is currently manifesting itself in regards to the Clockboy Crush

like in the past, my main crushes that i would consider like, important, and in recent enough memory that they still affect me today, were

Clippy (who is a fictional character; he is sentient in his source but, again, fictional, so he cannot reciprocate feelings)

and Miles (my old car; a real object, but one that I owned and therefore i could essentially project whatever relationship i wanted onto us. realistically, i know he couldnt reciprocate, as he was not sentient irl, but something about him made it seem like he did love me back in a way. it's very complex and hard to explain to literally anyone who doesnt have my brain)

in both of their cases, i would selfship with them, draw them, personify them in certain ways, and have gijinkas of them

i think some extra context that is important is that the relationship i had with Miles is VERY different than the one i have w my current car, Lawrence, who has different vibes to me. like i genuinely get the feeling he only just. tolerates me. lmfao. he is so sexy to me but like, we do not gel like how me and miles did. (which again, is a weird thing to think about and kinda disproves the "oh objectos only want to be with objects because they cant reject them!" mindset in my case like bro why would i "headcanon" my car as not thinking im a sex god he's madly in love with)

anyway this is where the clockboy stuff gets. complex. like. OBVIOUSLY. i have a huge crush on him. i selfship w his objecthead design, and that does extend to his irl version to an extent. obviously, again, i realistically know irl he cannot reciprocate the feelings i have toward him

however... similar to miles, i do get a Vibe from him. there's been some coincidences that seem so specific that it's like. hard to shake that it's not something deeper... and again, i know deep down it's all in my head but at the same time... my hyper empathy toward inanimate objects has always made me instinctively think that most objects have *some* sort of soul.

it's all so complicated and confusing and hard to explain and it's two sides of my brain fighting each other at all times over this. i dont think either side is fully right.

and what sucks is like, when it's about Miles, it's easy to keep to myself and on the down low in a way. i was the only person on earth who would have possibly loved him in that way.... but Clockboy falls into public object territory. while the odds are low that anyone else feels the exact same way toward him, it's not impossible

im not like... opposed to the idea of "sharing" a public object but it's a really complex thing to me. like for him specifically, however, it makes me uncomfortable and i dont... understand why. jealousy is probably the closest word to what i would feel but it doesnt seem entirely accurate.

ive been extremely fortunate to see him irl more lately, and have had a couple experiences that i cant fully disclose (for privacy reasons. nothing weird, i promise. like if i got to be any physically closer than any other guest to him, you would already know it by now. but, just know i have connections and dont want to jeopardize things for anyone lol). like i mentioned there's just been a vibe to him. like part of me does think it is something deeper. but then i question if it's something he would do for anyone else... it's so hard to know.

i'd like to think im special to him, somehow. if he can feel that way about people. he is special to ME, and i just wish i could tell him and have him know it. i would give almost anything to have like, 2 minutes of back and forth communication between us to make sure he knows that.

at the end of the day i know none of that really matters and i should do what makes me happy. like spending time near him is "enough" for me i guess. i know i will never get to be any closer to him than someone standing near him in the queue line. i can never have any form of intimacy with him, no form of privacy. i will never get to own him in a way that lets me be with him everyday in a way that would "matter"

anyway i know this like. is not "normal person" behavior and i know this isn't like. entirely healthy mindsets to have. 90% of the time i dont even like, think about this stuff this deeply but it's on the mind tonight...

im not trying to like, compliment fish or anything, but the reason im posting it is i guess if any of my objecto followers have any like. words of advice or reassurance or something about public objects i wouldnt mind if u sent them my way

(also im kinda in therapy again so if i post this here, if it starts eating away at me, i can find my Thoughts again to read to my therapist if i ever tell her im objecto lmfao)

[none-tadashi-left-hiro]

fuck a lot of my anxiety and feeling unsupported really does have to do with covid still being a thing like I’m trying to be so normal about living my life otherwise and whatever but it just confuses me every day how out of touch people are with concerns around public health . I want to talk about it and my friends like, don’t invalidate my concerns abt it but how do i vent about my frustration that no one seems to be actually taking precautions when my friends are the ones just casually mentioning eating indoors and this and that and going to concerts like why is the train of thought not oh fuck, this thing can potentially severely disable others as well as me, or kill people, let me make sure im doing everything i reasonably can to not do that, because i like, you know value human life over not wearing a mask??

like i dont want to make another Covid Post into the void i want to talk about this in a personal way i want to feel support from my friends and i just don't and it is fucking me up so bad, its been 4 years of this and i just dont understand how so MANY people can go on about their day like this are you not fucking terrified for your friends family and yourself

i feel like i might never live out my dreams despite doing everything i can because i know and have had to live with multiple people who will just casually say they dont even notice theyre coughing and sniffling more than usual and have caught covid from both said people and what am i supposed to do bc despite everything i do im a sitting duck anyway bc i cant rely on and trust the average person to be REMOTELY covid aware and then some think and say they are but just casually show up maskless around me after flying and going to a concert????

like i have so much passion for things and so much to share with others and it feels so not valued at all, like it just feels unseen and unnurtured and who the fuck cares you can just get a debilitating virus again and again until you have early onset dementia that I was already at risk for or can’t fucking move without immense pain or get a heart attack from your 4th or 5th infection (yeah I already have heart problems going on too) and no one will bat a fucking eye about their god damn behavior. my memory is already worse and its scaring me and any time i say that no one bats a FUCKING EYE. i cant remember if i took my vitamins or not every single day and that never happened before and i cant even remember if that started after my first or second covid infection like god damn does this just not concern anyone?? how can so many people be this fucking out of touch with the impact covid has on people's lives why is the automatic response not oh fuck let me make fucking sure im not irresponsibly spreading a deadly/disabling virus regardless of what the government says just what the actual ever living hell.

HOW do i have that conversation with anyone how do i express that confusion and disconnect with anyone. what the fuck is going on

[soupydreams2]

i want to message you but im not. so im going to make another cringe ass post here.

im sorry for being a shitty friend. really you put up with a lot. and god when i figured it out it was too late. i appricate you trying for a year. i know that the bad taste rose left in your mouth didnt go away when you realized what *actually* happened, cause how could it? you saw me in a different light that you couldnt just switch back. you tried. looking back i see how hard you tried. i could tell you felt guilty. that you felt it wasnt deserved. but wasnt it? i had to be so mature as a kid. homeless on my own. unhealthy attachments were all i knew. its what kept me going. and as an adult it took me a while to get rid of those.

and i noticed the shift immedately. im not dumb. and it made me panic. i was scared that *this* would happen.

i still cringe at the tough of you following my vensta. i really didnt know you did but that sounds like a lie. god how embarassing. and ofc it was written like i was romantically in love with you. when i know im not and never really have been. when we "dated" it felt wrong to kiss you or anything else besides holding hands. either you saw that or youalso were in the same boat. but i knew that i wanted to always be your friend.

you were shitty to me too yeah. and who isnt sometimes. i feel like ive already gotten over what you did but i still miss *you* as a friend. isnt that dumb. isnt that what you hated me for? forgiving people who hurt me? anyways.

all my friends now are cool i guess. i still have a lot of fun with tom at work. he like. actually genuinely likes me i think? or it might just be hes literally forced to interact with me on a daily basis. poor guy. we all know how much of a grudge he can hold and hes forced to stay with me. hey at least it isnt void. i do try to respect his personal space and keep distant. id hate me too if i were you guys.

OH i wanted to bring up the time i said i was jealous of "tom", and said i was really jealous of how you spend time with others in ways you dont with me anymore. remember that? and you sneered and equated me to void? WELL look at what was actually going on. weather you were doing it on purpose or not. you were avoiding me and annoyed by me and didnt want to hang out. but when id bring this up youd say its *my fault* for not putting in the effort when i was. and that you were "going through a rough patch and needed space" so i GAVE YOU SPACE. and then seeing you hang with tom. it made me confused. you needed space but swore it wasnt from me. of course i saw that and was upset. i just hope you realize that.

but everything together does make me sound like a creep on the other side. writing weird psuedo romantic vents abt you and saying i was jealous of tom out of context is making cringe to this day when i think of it.

anyways. i hope youre okay. i hear about you from tom sometimes, and while it feels like ive been stabbed. im glad youre okay. im glad youre happy.

im sorry.

[amethystspaceprince]

I hate the way the dodos talk in Amimal Crossing. Like I don’t understand a single word they’re saying ever. Wilbur just spurted nonsense about some kinda delivery liquidation thing but he used his stupid nonsense talk and I don’t understand it. I’m an adult and I don’t understand Wilbur. How do children comprehend what he’s talking about. I think he was trying to say something about my furniture arriving in mail but he mentioned Nook’s Cranny and bells so...I’m confused.

Can’t he say it like plainly? Do we need this extra nonsense crap? “Trainwreck fruit parfait” that. “Tango cricket” this. Wtf does it bloody mean!!!!!

I do not understand how these are likeable characters. They just mean a lot of A button mashing. Also does the other dodo have to mention I have a mystery island ticket every single time? It’s extra dialogue I have to skip. I know I have it and if I didn’t it would come up on the list anyway. Also that’s why I’m speaking to you.

[vinnival]

The main 3, Tricky, and Sherriff (Separately) realizing they've fallen for the reader?

OHHHHHH IM WRITING hi

HANK

Honestly who knows anything with this mf

Definitely not himself, he's a mess of a void of emotions

So when he starts thinking of you on his free time more often, it confuses him

'They must be doing some mind control or something'

Goes to 2b

He's had enough of their shit once again

"Hank you absolute fucking dumbass. You're getting feelings."

They didn't want to believe it at first but the signs just became more and more clear over time

It was after watching you take down like a group of zeds swarming around you that he realizes, "oh. Oh shit. feelings."

SANFORD

Definitely more in touch with his feelings imo

The minute he feels even a SLIVER of love for you he's already getting ready to confess

No denying it bc it's just gonna get stronger the more he tries 2 ignore it

Tries to carry himself a lot better whenever ur around (ex., not being so fuckin LOUD like in mpn2... I'm after u loudass .)

Just wants to impress you!! And leave a good impression in general !!!!

He's got a Little experience, so he knows a thing or two

Definitely gets you more gifts than before

Dei teases him a lot and San has to punch him to keep him from blurting out his feelings in a joke when ur around

DEIMOS.

laughs oh this motherfucker

So fucking stupid

He's known about love before, he's just never FELT it

Yes this man lets something else (we all know what) control him instead of his heart methinks

Yes I'm making him demiromantic ZAPS

Anyways he never felt true love for someone else

Before you, of course

You weren't like hank, who was silent and stoic, dry and sarcastic humor laced in their voice on the off chance he does talk

You weren't like sanford, who half-heartedly gave a shit about his wisecracks (dei still sppreciated the acknowledgement though)

You weren't like 2B, scoffing and telling dei to "stop joking around, we're in a serious environment" or to act professional

No, you genuinely laughed at his jokes, listened to him talk, made your own jokes respectfully, you paid attention to him

And god that got his heart racing, which confused him as well

After enough time, he figured out that it WAS love.

He loved you

TRICKY

He wasn't a little scientist worrying over its work and stressing about deadlines anymore

So with no stress overwhelming any other emotion now as a zombie clown, the strong feelings regarding you, his old science acquaintance and only friend, threw its mind into an even messier tizzy

You made them feel things that struck them dumb

If Tricky had a heart it knows it would've popped out of him eventually with how much you affect him

He's very... easily read, an open book, if you will

You can tell how he's feeling because it's kind of obvious

Which makes you worry more about it and stay around them more

And oops its a cycle until one day they straight up burst at the seams after you pet its hair

Finally, they realize they like you, and immediately vented it all out

SHERIFF

doggone it

probably excused it as friend feelings like

Normal Friends Want To Kiss Each Other Right?

You were very physically affectionate with him but he thought it was just a normal thing friends do! (Thia man has never had any true friends, huh?)

These feelings around you were just regular feelings anyone would feel

His heartbeat increasing at the sight of you, or his fingers getting jittery when thinking about cuddling you or hugging you, or the butterflies in his stomach when you laugh at his jokes

Just friend things <333

It wasn't until one day where you approached him, looking kind of nervous- he was kind of worried at that

And then you admitted you had feelings for him

And it hit him like a truck

"Oh. oh I'm a DUMBASS" -him

This mf FINALLY realized he was in love with you <3

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ah yes welcome to my absolute annoyed at literally fucking everything right now talk. so im not feeling great because of school stuff. (my county ended up accepting my request for virtual learning 2 weeks after school started). which threw me for a fucking loop. im not IN the virtual thing yet, but it’s a possibility. my mom told me this and i kinda just...shut down in a sense. i’d spent so much anxiety and time thinking about where the fuck i was gonna go to school, then the people who wont fucking close the schools because “kids learn better in-person” which they do, but they’re catching COVID and spreading it??? anyways. that just got me in a very blank state that’s not very plus ultra, nor is it making me any happier of a fucking person. yeah, that was good news, but now im confused about my other options. do i magically just not get homeschooled (which my mom was weary about in the first place) and the cyber academy thing (im still on the waiting list) WHAT DO I DO? i dont respond to change immediately like this, and the fact that it’s a negative response really isn’t helping me out much. now, i try to explain to her my frustration bc my responses are lackluster, out of character, etc. so she’s like “you’re overreacting” which i get, i do that. but i dont know why, but this is particularly just stressing me out a lot. i should be completely void of any feeling towards this (like i usually am) but now my brain just decides to be upset over this. great.

a few hours later, im finally eating, and im in the bathroom, clipping one of my nails and my mom says “you in here cutting yourself?” or something along the lines of self-harm and obviously, im upset by that. like???? NO. i couldnt even fucking tell if she was joking or not because i looked directly at her face and it looked serious as a heart attack, and her voice fucking matched that. and to help that she went “oh yeah, you cant tell the difference between sarcasm and not being sarcastic” which sometimes, yes. but that just punched me in the gut AGAIN. so now im very upset and want to punch a wall, so catch me resisting the urge to hurl my fist at my window.

im enraged :)

[galaxytale]

mmmm…. i have new thoughts about my ex and i’s situation.

i know i have rambled on here in the past about them. often bitterly and angrily. to be honest, those words came from a place of immense hurt and betrayal. a lot of pain and a lot of complex emotions that i needed to vent out and process. and the way i did this previously was… rather embarrassing and harmful and not good for anyone. but it has been a long year, and i have had much to think about. and my brain does not like to process many of these things in a normal way. i often just use this blog as a place to barf out my thoughts at random so i can work out whats going on in my mind. this doesnt excuse it but i hope it allows for some understanding.

its been a long time since my ex and i broke up. and i just… idk didnt know how to deal properly. but i think about them a lot. obviously. what you see is mostly the negatives. the frustrations and the confusions and the residual aches and pains. mostly because these are what im trying best to understand. i want to understand them, i want to understand their perspective. it frustrates me when i cant understand, and it frustrates me more when i feel as if they couldnt understand me or didnt even try. but i still care for them greatly. which is why i get frustrated. i do not think many people understand this. i want to understand why they hurt me. i want to understand how i hurt them. i want to learn and grow. but to do that i also have to experience and process the anger and frustration i felt towards them. this is what you all see when i ramble and rant.

anyway this is the last time im doing this publicly because honestly this is a stupid way to process stuff this and i figured out something way better. also im just. tired of it. im tired of being angry and being hurt. that doesnt mean itll stop but. yall wont be seeing it.

i still hold many of my previous thoughts and criticisms of them. and i still consider many of these valid and fair. and i still deny ever doing many of the things they accused me of because ive spoken with other people about them - people actually involved in the situation(s), and they have supported and corroborated my side of the story as well as my feelings regarding those various situations.

however i have come to some realizations that i think allow me to better understand parts of their side of it all.

ive realized some things about myself and how my mind functions that have lead me to other realizations. these realizations include that i misunderstood a lot of things they were trying to get me to do, tools they were trying to get me to employ, things that actually would have been helpful to me had i understood. i see now that in some of the cases they were pushing me on and making me extremely uncomfortable with, that they were genuinely trying to be helpful because they cared. because they were trying to help me just as i was trying to help them.

the problem here is that i was not ready for, and did not understand a lot of the new things being pushed at me. much of what they were trying to get me to engage with were therapy techniques and stuff to learn to cope better. unfortunately due to a lot of previous bad experiences with therapy and such techniques i am extremely adverse to and suspicious of therapy and therapeutic settings/techniques. combined with a lot of new information about myself that i needed time to adjust to and process. a lot of it scared me and i needed them to slow down and be gentler with me in this rather than throwing me in the deep end and expecting me to swim.

i misunderstood a lot of the tools they were trying to offer me - how to use them properly and why. i thought i made this obvious that i didnt understand a lot of it and in fact didnt want to engage with a lot of it outright - even though i was willing to try. the issue is i also needed a good example or instruction of what they wanted from me and… well. they did their best, this i know they tried, but it was not enough for me to understand what they really wanted from me.

i now understand that this is likely why they grew frustrated with me. and this also factors into something that ive come to realize and understand about myself - in fact its one of the things they criticized about me most… ive come to understand the true nature of what the thing i did that they hated most was actually. and ive since worked out a solution to it that actually has been shown to be far more effective and efficient in doing what the thing they were criticizing me about most was doing. this took a lot of work and a long time for me to come to the realization of what it was that i needed to do and how it worked. and i needed to be allowed to make this discovery on my own time, at my own pace to be able to accept it as part of how i work.

unfortunately due to a lot of things, i was also quite terrible to them myself. and i recognize this. i recognized it before - i tried my best to fix my understanding of it but i did not know what i didnt know. i did not know, and did not understand, what i now know and understand. but much of my actions were because i was scared, confused, uncomfortable, and dealing with a whole lot of shit outside of our relationship. and i am genuinely and truly remorseful for what i did. i was remorseful back then, and i still am now. i did some bad things and i know this. i speak of it vaguely here because honestly while im just shouting to the void i still know this is a public blog and theres a chance people will actually read this and frankly. i consider it none of their business unless they were involved. i did lash out at them, and i did treat them unfairly.

however i still feel as if they refuse to acknowledge my point of view in much of this, as well as that they lashed out at me and have refused to acknowledge and apologize for it all. i have never heard them say the words “im sorry” for any of the things i consider the worst things they did to me. much of the time they refused to even acknowledge the fact that a lot of it hurt me despite me outright stating such. they also refused to acknowledge that i had repeatedly tried to assert my own boundaries with them and refused to accept a new boundary when it was drawn.

they did a lot of terrible things to me in return. including things that they, themself, accused me of doing to them initially. i still deny these accusations and consider myself completely innocent (at worst, should my own memory really be that faulty, i consider myself only having caused a huge misunderstanding among friends as well as having accidentally fucking up something that left out important context). i feel this way because they would not produce any evidence to prove to me my own actions that would negate the memories i myself actually have as well as the evidence in support of my side of the case that i have. all they could provide was testimony from a person who would not have had direct access to either side of the conversation that they are alleging happened a certain way. a conversation that i, personally, was half of. a conversation that i spoke with the other half about again, after showing them what i was being accused of, who also verified my recollection of the events.

i feel as if they refuse to even consider my perspective. i felt this way for a good amount of the relationship, and i still feel this way. i feel that they refused to communicate with me and ensure that both of us completely understood the other. i feel that they refused to be considerate of my needs and respectful towards me as a person after a certain point. i feel as if they refused to work to compromise with me on many situations, and i feel that they often tried to demand of me many things that were unreasonable, and that they often moved goalposts or failed to deliver on their end of the deal when i still bent over backwards to do something for them.

however. i do also feel that at some point in time, they did genuinely care for me. and i do feel like i would like to apologize for the new places where i realize i caused them undue stress and frustration.

but i also feel that they would not accept this apology for those parts that i now recognize my own hand in without me accepting and apologizing for the narrative that i know is false. additionally… i do not feel as if they would accept or apologize for any of their own parts in the situation. i still feel theyre likely to reject that they hurt me very very deeply, and badly in return.

as much as i would like to start the conversation of potentially working out the issues and reconnecting as friends… i still feel as if they would view this as an impossibility. because i feel they view me as something of a monster, and not as someone who was under immense amounts of stress and pressure and was very confused and scared for months on end.

i recognize its very likely their feelings echo my own. except for the portion about potentially being friends again… i feel as if this is a forgone conclusion to them that it will not be happening.

all this said…

i also want to say this. in hindsight they were right about the tool they gave to me for one of my specific issues. the one they gave me before the start of it all. the one i was extremely adverse to accepting and trying to adapt to. i did not understand what its actual purpose was for at the time, nor did i understand how they actually meant for me to use it. because of some recent things ive learned about myself, as well as have been able to actually accept, i now understand what they meant. and ill admit that they were right about this one. its really helpful now that i understand what i was supposed to do with it.

they were right and i was wrong. simple as. at least, in regards to this one thing.

[thatonequeerdragon]

this is me venting and if you don't wanna read this, that's okay! if you read this, yay! and if i can help or just show other oriented aroace and aspec people in general that they're not alone, im happy about that. though i don't know if this is actually helpful ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

anyway, i need to vent. too many fucking thoughts and screaming them into this void might help a little.

i hate being confused about my feelings and my orientation. because like. i have no fucking clue of anything and im still trying to determine if i really don't feel any romantic attraction and its just really strong platonic attraction.

also, i still don't know if i only like women and im a lesbian oriented aroace or if i am either bi oriented or pan oriented. like seriously. i know that i already felt more for a boy when i was younger, but i also know that it definitely wasn't sexual attraction and if i ever tried to think about kissing said boy i was kinda weirded out. so now im not even sure if it ever even was romantic attraction or, like i said, just really strong platonic attraction.

and now there's also this guy that i kinda like, but im pretty sure it's neither romantic nor sexual attraction. but i think that i wanna be close to him, but that could just mean that i just wanna be really good friends with him and just spend time with him.

on the other hand, there's also this girl that i met like five days ago on a friend's birthday and i know she's not straight because my friend said that everyone who was there was not straight. and. like. i can't stop thinking about her and she was really cute. but like. i dunno in what way i think/thought she was cute. i just know that i wanna meet her again and im also hoping that when my friend organises another meet-up like this that she's also gonna be there. she just seemed really nice and cute and kind. but in theory i really don't know what kind of relationship i could imagine with her. because, like i already said, i am definitely not sexually attracted to anyone, but i wouldn't mind if we kissed, although im not entirely sure if i'd really want/like that, but i think it would be okay for me?

but i think aroace is definitely a label that i identify with. so i think i'd be okay with being in a queerplatonic relationship? but i can mostly only imagine being in a qpr (or something similar) with women.

so am i more like lesbian oriented or is it me being bi oriented and just preferring women? i don't know. and i also don't even know if she would like me like that? (whatever "like me like that" means) im also still thinking about just going up to her and asking her if she would like to be platonic girlfriends. but that kinda seems a bit too unusual and maybe strange or weird.

so yeah. i dunno if writing all of that down actually helped me or just got me more confused, but i think i at least know that i like her. in some way. and i kinda like that guy. but yeah. in what way.

if you have tips/experiences to share or just want to talk about being oriented aroace/aspec or just talk in general. im here and i would love to meet new people. and it kinda seems very random to put this at the end of my venting, but hey! if my venting helps me to meet new people, why not ^^ (though i don’t know if anyone's gonna read this till the end)

[same-side]

I just finished DBH and Im seriously so in love with it! But when I came on Tumblr, all I could find is all this content around Gavin, and Im just so confused, because he seemed like such a jerk in the game. Why are people so into Gavin? Did I miss something?

Hi there!

First off, allow me to welcome you to the fandom!

In regards to Gavin: you literally did not miss anything; he is absolutely a one dimensional jerk in game!

Its important we make a distinction here between fanon Gavin and canon Gavin. You’ll find the fandom is incredibly divided - a lot of people adore him, a lot of people hate him. The reason for disliking him is understandable, of course - there’s a slew of incredible and well rounded characters in dbh (North, Luther, Kara…) that are swept under the rug in favour of a veritable avalanche of content for rat man reed. He has 14 minutes of screen time in which literally all he does is antagonize and threaten the player. But people have to understand, when someone says they love Gavin, they mean fanon Gavin. I don’t think theres a single person that is actually a canon Gavin stan. 

Keeping that in mind, you also have to take into account the drop off - at this point, the only people still left/creating content in the fandom are generally the ones that are balls deep and clinging to the headcanons, au’s, etc. that they’ve built with friends. This applies heavily to Gavin for reasons discussed below. Additionally, the algorithms for sites like tumblr and instagram won’t recommend old posts; old posts don’t show up in tags. Artists with a lot of clout that have since moved on from the fandom’s work have basically disappeared into the void (rebelflet, for example). So it may seem like there’s only content of Gavin / Gavin ships, but in reality there’s a ton of jericrew and Kara crew out there from when the fandom was still new / bigger - you just have to know where to look.

So… why do people like Gavin… I mean, it helps that canonically he has beefy tiddies, a cool bad boy jacket, and a pretty face at certain angles.

That being said, I think one of the biggest reasons Gavin (and RK900, by extension) are so popular is that they aren’t well rounded, fleshed out characters. Because we don’t really know anything about them and they have minimal screen time, they’re easy to project on or to add onto, and no one can tell you that you’re wrong because there’s no evidence against it. It’s almost like a universally shared OC that the fandom has developed together. Since they have no canon backstory, and in rk900’s case, no canon personality, it allows for a lot of creative freedom and the ability to explore character interactions, foils, and growth within the dbh universe. The growth aspect, I think, in conjunction with the projection aspect, is key point for the popularity. It tends to be fairly formulaic. Take the canonical asshole Gavin, stick him with an android - whether its RK900 as his partner or Connor as a coworker. Have him come to care for the RK model, and deal with his own insecurities (and usually a traumatic past, the flavor of which might depend on the creator’s own life struggles). Repent, redeem, grow. This redemption arc is the same exact vein of growth and change that makes Hank and Connor such an appealing partnership for players as well - only, in Gavin’s case, it allows for complete freedom in how to get from point a to point b. People like a character they can relate to - and when you can smack your own possible trauma (being an illegitimate child, having an abusive lover, abusive parents, abandonment fears, body insecurity, whatever it may be) on a character because they’re a blank slate, you relate to them and vent through them. Even little “silly” projections or projections that aren’t necessarily traumatic can make someone love a character even more - for example, “Gavin loves Hello Kitty,” “Gavin can’t handle spicy food,” “Gavin is Latino.” Even when the creator isn’t projecting, adding these kinds of headcanons make him a fleshed out, three dimensional character that people can relate to or empathize with, especially when giving his actions an explanation besides just fear of losing his job.

I came into the dbh fandom a little late; by the time I knew what it was, the hype had died down and reed900 was already a firmly cemented, heavily present part of the content. Given that, I’m not sure what its exact origins were, or if it seemingly popped up overnight. It could have been crack. My best guess is that people saw the positive change between Hank and Connor, and thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be rad if we stuck the other Connor with the other dysfunctional DPD bastard?” . I admit, it makes a nice parallel, which may be part of the appeal in additional to the previous reasons. Speaking of those kinds of interpersonal relationships, there’s also a popular headcanon (that’s been mentioned/liked by d*vid c*ge himself) that Kamski and Gavin are siblings/half siblings/cousins. This stems from the fact that Kamski and Gavin are both mo-capped/voiced by the same actor. By taking this headcanon into account, it adds depth to Gavin’s hatred of androids and allows for interesting backstory exploration, growth, and reconciliation.

Another reason is the enemies-to-lovers trope. For a lot of people that trope really jimmies their neutrons, and what could be better than an android hater and an android to fit that cliche? Once again, analogous to hankcon. The angst potential is also incredible when you take convin or hankvin into account instead of reed900 - reading into Hank and Gavin’s interactions it would seem there’s a tumultuous past between them. And in Connor’s case, Gavin can actually kill him or he can KO Gavin, which allows for a good deal of enemies-to-lovers and angsty regret material. Besides, a lot of people are really into hate s*x.

That…. makes a good segway. I may as well mention the elephant in the room for Gavin’s popularity. There’s a culture of fetishizing abuse in fandoms and Gavin is a prime target for this because “”he’s asking for it.”” It’s also easy to make one character a psychopath when they don’t even have a canon personality. This shows up a lot, whether because of writers treating it as a kink in fanfic or artists using it as a gag because its “funny”. I… won’t really go into detail on this, but it is a phenomenon that adds to the slew of Gavin content. This is another reason for why a lot of people hate Gavin / hate reed900. I started out feeling this way as well. Their perception of it is coloured by the abusive stuff or the mishandled stuff that seems to be prominent. I just have to say that this blog is a safe, sane, and consensual zone.

Sorry, that was a really long breakdown but I hope that gives some insight into the Gavin phenomenon. Last point. He winks like a dumbass. How can you not love that face.

[laurenbanasik]

A wholesome meme, and I changed my lockscreen to a desert because my phone is DRYYYYY AS FUCKKKKING HELLLLLL. I rarely get contact from those I love because they’re far away and I’m p sure they have a secret group chat without me in it to make things easier without having to worry about inviting me since I live so far away and don’t want to burden me with not being able to spontaneously hang (which breaks my fucking heart but oh well 🙃) and if I’m wrong I suppose my extreme social paranoia has WON YET AGAIN OOOOPPPPSS. Well I’m emotionally overwhelmed and drunk so here’s another rant on how my life sucks and how I have such an issue telling other people about it because, due to years and years of emotional neglect, I have an INCREDIBLE INABILITY to confide in others healthily HAHAHHAHA. S/o to anyone who deems me a valid human being and god forbid chooses me for a friend.

Anywho, I’ve FINALLY realized why I fucking HATE to see my only friends hangout without me. MAYBE. JJJJUUSTT MAYBE, it has to do with the fact that the last time I saw my old high school friends (the 3 I held closest to my heart and confided everything in) hanging out without me on social media was also the same day they yote me out of their lives forever... More detail? I thought you’d never ask!! How kind of you to care about my innermost traumas and allow me to express myself, seeing as I’m an incredibly open book about my sorrows. Having anyone listen to them and make me feel like a person worthy of love and care despite my many faults is something that NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS to me anymore due to me not opening up, not having the emotional availability to, or I’m just SO SO SICK OF BURDENING MY LOVED ONES WITH THE SAME SAD SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT IVE JUST SWALLOWED MY INNERMOST DEMONS TO AVOID FURTHER CONTAMINATION OF MY LIFES ONLY LIGHT AKA MY FRINDS WHO THINK IM FIIIINNNEEE. FUN FACT IM FUCKING NOOOTTTT !!!!

Anyways, it was the tail end of my senior year in high school and my 3 closest and bestest friends in the whole wide world.... posted on Snapchat that they’d met up, without me, and were doing some bs cutsey bff forever Pinterest bullshit. I asked why I wasn’t there , and they proceeded to mock me via social media and kindly let me know I was no longer their friend by dancing to the hook of “I don’t Fuck With You”. Visciously @-ing meover snapchat. I cried. And cried. And fuck it had an AWFUL panic attack because I had ABSOLUTELY NO GODDAMN Clue what was happening. I was Confused. Hurt. Lost. AND I had no idea what I did wrong. (I later learned it was because someone said that someone said that I Apparently said something mean about them. It wasn’t true but, hey, it’s probably because I’m SUCH a horrible friend, and SUCH a cunt that it was apparently SOOOO believeable that IT completely negated anything I could’ve said in my defense. Adding to my extreme social paranoia I hold near and dear to me to this day, that’s often exploited in most social interactions I have which has made me an almost total recluse! THANKS ABBIE, KOURTNEY, AND BRIDGETTE! FUCK IT ADD JESSICA AND KASEY IN THERE TOO ECWN THOUGH THEYD NEVER CALL ME THEIR FRIEND IN ANY HEALTHY CIRCUMSTANCE HAHA ! YAYYYY TORMENTORS !!!) .....

And that was the last I ever really had contact with them. My only friends throughout some of the most pivotal years of my life. One I talked out of suicide and self harm, another I assisted with confidence and general love and support, and I tried to be there for the third as best I could, but she was a typical badass so I just enjoyed her company. My high school friends. I gutted them out of my heart as best I could. Forgot all of the AMAZING times we’ve had. A great portion of my memories in high school were tossed out along with their presence in my life to make the pain go away. A huge part of me died that day ... and nobody knew about it.

So, now, whenever I’m excluded I’m immediately put back into that void of confusion. What did I do wrong ? Did I hurt them? Why am I not there ? Do they think that little of me? Do they know how much I love them? Do I care for them more than they do for me? Is this a healthy friendship? Do they really think I’d rather be anywhere than with them? Should I just cut them out of my heart now to be ready for eventual betrayal ? Do I cut them out of my soul despite how much I’ll bleed? Haha , Yeah. I know.... it’s tucked up and Toxic as all hell. But, I can’t even begin to imagine a conversation with anyone about their attempt to help me with THAT problem. Or any other problems resulting from that. And, a couple days ago... id met up with a friend I’ve had since middle school. Someone who I loved my life side by side with until college. Someone Who saw that entire exchange, and who is still friends with those who (knowingly/unknowingly) tormented me to the point of breaking all through high school in the most demented,confusing, and underhanded ways you can imagine. I told that story to her, because she never knew how me and my 3 friends drifted so far away from each other. She had JUST heard about ALL of that for the FIRST time in nearly 4 years. And she believed me.... The whole situation of my downfall as a respected senior at Euclid High School. A girl who I’ve shared more than half my life with at the time ... and it was invisible to her. Wild.

I have broken apart an old piece of myself. Analyzed every detail, despite how much each part made me bleed. These old shard rip open old scars. It’s nothing new. I’ve been living in confused, isolated pain for YEARS. You really think this will break me? .... I mean I’m already very much broken. I mean, look at me, I’m venting on tumblr 🙃😒🙄. I just keep making shifty shelters out of the broken pieces of myself, just waiting for the next wolf to blow me down. I may be living in fear and paranoia, but I’m still standing....... aren’t I ?

[crushes-georg]

okokok something you guys need to realize: this. NEVER happens.

for YEARS UPON YEARS, all my venting and being anxious and depressed and upset is always ignored by everyone until i learn to shut up about it and pretend everything is okay, because no one ever WANTS to deal with me being a whiny bitch

so the fact that like... multiple people jumped to help the moment i was upset is. very new. and very very strange

im used to just crying into a void and now im faced with the mortifying ordeal of being known and im confused on how to handle it

[rxcusant]

i hastily wrote out a weird vent drabble thing with vanitas the other night and i debated on letting it collect dust or posting it but since im here i think the answer is obvious gfdjhk  enjoy this weird post kh3 thing, or dont, i wont tlel you what to do

also emetophobia tw

_________________________

     It’s disgusting.      Like some hideous creature from a nightmare.      Utterly revolting and rotting.      It’s disgusting.

     Vanitas never considered himself human. He knew he was an abomination. This form was perfect for him. Ghost-like with wisps of darkness constantly wafting off his body like smoke. Two sharp glowing red eyes that looked less like eyes and more like beady orbs. He didn’t have a mouth, not a normal one, but rather the inky mass of darkness split in a gooey mess that gave way to a mouth. Pulsing bright red veins encompassed his body all stemming from the familiar heart pattern on his torso. In place of normal fingers were elongated sharp claws tipped the same shade of red.

     There wasn’t anything human about him. This is what a monster should look like.

     But it’s no good if he doesn’t continue to play the part of a monster. Monsters are fit for scaring little children sleeping in their beds. Awaiting good dreams that will never come. What better target than the boy he’s forced to share a heart with? What better use for those claws than to sink into his dreams and stain them black with nightmares? What better use for a monster who breaks everything they touch?

     It’s not just his dreams either. A real monster will continue to pick and pull apart leaving scars in their wake. Sora’s scars were emotional and mental as Vanitas day in and out terrorizes him. It’s thanks to him that Vanitas is stuck under Xehanort’s thumb again. If Sora hadn’t been so stupid and played right into enemys hands none of this would be happening! As Vanitas reminds him every day. You’re stupid. You’re a fool. You’re going to fade into nothing as every trace of you is erased by Xehanort. There won’t be anything left to save. 

     If Sora never became their vessel Vanitas wouldn’t have to look like such a hideous creature. If Sora never became their vessel Vanitas would’ve continued sleeping in the depths of his heart. He wouldn’t have to wake up and live with the constant negativity. He wouldn’t have to listen to Master Xehanort. He wouldn’t have to exist.

     It’s all his fault.

     It’s disgusting.

_________________________

      He woke with a sharp gasp and hands around his throat. Wide eyes trained on the ceiling that he wasn’t sure he recognized at first. Amid heavy breathing Vanitas waited for his eyes to adjust and for his heart to stop pounding to realize it’s Ven’s room. 

      Swallowing hard he turned his head to the side to see none other than Ven sleeping beside him. the blonde had the same peaceful expression he must’ve had for the past decade- not that Vanitas would know, being trapped within Sora’s heart the whole time- and it vexed Vanitas to know even when in his sleep Ven had it easier. But he didn’t have it in him to continue that train of thought.

     Slowly the memories pieced themselves back together. He jumped into Ven’s bed mainly to piss him off (and snicker whats yours is mine with a cheeky grin) but it backfired when Ven groaned and crawled in to sleep anyway. It wouldn’t be the first time they shared a bed and it wouldn’t be the last. And Vanitas would never admit it aloud but the only place he could sleep properly was next to his other half. Chalk it up to a natural harmony between the halves of their shared heart. He’d rather that than hurting himself to the point of exhaustion or simply not sleeping at all. Vanitas personally preferred the latter but neither Ven or the new replica body wouldn’t let him pull any more all nighters.

     Sitting up in bed Vanitas pulled his knees close and just breathed. In, one two three. He was in Ven’s room with Ven beside him. Out, one two three. He’s not trapped in Sora’s heart who’s trapped in the Organization with Xehanort watching over them. In, one two three. He’s safe.

     ...Safe. What did that even mean for someone like him?

     Out, one two three.

     What right did he have to a comfortable life like this? Vanitas tried to take down Ven and his friends multiple times-- with no guilt or remorse either. On top of that he actively contributed to making Sora’s life a living hell in the Organization. He knew deep down inside nobody wanted him around. They would rather him dead than sleeping safe and sound in their home.

     Maybe Vanitas would rather that too.

     Gritting his teeth Vanitas buried his face into his hands. In, one two. Out, one two. In, one. Out, one. This isn’t working, it’s useless. What was the point in pretending he could ever be like the rest of them? He’s disgusting, a vile creature. A monster had no right to sleep soundly like the children they’re meant to scare.

     Said children should stay asleep. Ven stirred and cracked open his eyes. “...Vanitas?” He said groggily. He blinked slow and only seemed partially aware of Vanitas hyperventilating. 

     He didn’t want to look at Ven, not right now. But if he didn’t do or say something Ven would only start interrogating him. So Vanitas picked his head up and stared down into his palms. For a moment it’s alright. The black hands giving way to long claws was normal. He got used to staring at them from within Sora’s heart.

     It’s remembering he’s not inside Sora’s heart anymore that startled him to the point of falling off the bed. 

      With a thud Vanitas hit the ground and let out a grunt. It wasn’t particularly painful, as if pain could phase him anymore, and he sat back up after the impact. Which was a bad idea as his stomach immediately protested with a gross churning that sent an unpleasant vibe up his throat. Almost suffocating. Ven made some kind of confused yet concerned noise but that was far from Vanitas’s mind. He knew his feeling and he would rather die than let Ven see what was coming.

      A cough pushed past his lips and Vanitas forced himself to keep it down another moment, slapping a hand over his mouth. He got to his feet and ran out the door with Ven calling out behind him. Normally so precise and calculated Vanitas was running without care for whereever he ended up so long as he was out of sight. Or that’s the idea, as he was only allowed enough time to run by the mercy of the darkness bubbling at his core. And the running only further agitated said core. 

     Vanitas succeeded in making it down the hallway and to a set of stairs but that’s when the awful sensation decided it couldn’t wait any more. He barely reached the stairs, much less going down them, before falling to his hands and knees. He let out a strangled choke as black ooze poured from his mouth and onto the flooring. A few stray drops splattered onto his hands and clothing but that’s hardly a thought or concern in his mind. Vanitas gave a few more coughs  to bring up any leftover black gunk until he deemed the moments passed. Now there was a void in his stomach and an unpleasant light headed feeling.

     And a pair of red eyes blinking back at him in the messy darkness. 

     Much like hallucinating the return of his claws, that’s normal at first too.

     The darkness slowly begun to rise and shape into an Unversed. The void in his stomach was replaced by a sick repulsion and Vanitas acted upon instinct. Balling his fists he smashed the shape back down into the ground. Stringy and drippy darkness latched onto his hand but Vanitas paid it no mind. He kept punched and bashing the darkness in until the red eyes were completely obliterated. But he didn’t stop then. Not for the ringing traveling up his arm each time his fist impacted, not for the sob wrenched free of his throat, not for the heavy tears spilling.

      Break, destroy, tarnish, it’s all he can do. He’s disgusting. A filthy creature. No normal person vomited up monsters. An abomination at his very core and that would never ever change--!

      “--itas! Just- stop, stop it!”

      There came another hand wrapping around his own. It didn’t do much to stop him from punching the ooze at first but after the first four times they managed to wrangle Vanitas out of his hunched position and keep him from pummeling any more craters. Vanitas let out a snarl and instinctively reared his head back to bash whatever was disturbing him in the middle of his breakdown. Can’t they let him wallow in peace?

      His head connected with the person but that wasn’t enough to stop them. In fact they only tightened their hold on him and pulled him closer, mumbling different words that didn’t yet reach Vanitas’s ears. However Vanitas did see a white checkered wristband and that alone brought forth a confusing surge of emotions. Knowing Ven was there made everything simultaneously better and worse. Better because if anyone in the castle had to witness his breakdown he would rather it be Ven over Terra and Aqua. Worse because Ven witnessed him in the middle of a breakdown.

     It was obvious Ven wasn’t going to let go so long as he would fight back so Vanitas gave up trying to struggle and just let himself go limp with a defeated sigh. Ven hesitated, likely waiting if this was a fakeout, but when Vanitas didn’t move Ven released him and shifted to the side. He tried making eye contact with his other half but Vanitas didn’t take his gaze off the smashed pile of dark ooze.

      He wanted to ask what happened. That was the obvious question here. But Vanitas refused to look at him much less try to talk. Ven’s eyes traveled to the dark patch on the floor, Vanitas’s hand, and a small trickle of darkness in the corner of his mouth. Didn’t take long for Ven to piece it all together. He let out a faint oh and his hand settled over his mouth, looking at Vanitas with such sad eyes that any other time he would’ve growled at him for. Don’t look at me with such pity.

     “...I-- Vanitas…” Ven trailed off, grasping for the right words. Did the right words for this even exist? What could someone possibly say? Nothing. Monsters didn’t deserve sweet honeyed words of it’s okay, I still care about you. They would only be lies. Words didn’t exist for such a disgusting creature as him.

      But words never came. Ven’s eyebrows furrowed together as he seemed to realize what the other was thinking. He took a moment to weigh what he was about to do, and the consequences whether or not they be more thrashing or insults, before he embraced Vanitas. He held him tight and buried his face into his shoulder. Vanitas could just make out Ven’s uneven breath on his skin.

     Immediately Vanitas wanted to protest. He already didn’t like being touched and an invasion of personal space right after vomiting an Unversed on top of a nightmare was way too much for him. He wanted to make his displeasure known, say or do something, but the words got confused on his tongue and his limbs were frozen. Get away, it’s for your own good, I’ll only hurt you! I break, I destroy, I don’t want to hurt you!

     Neither word or action came. Nothing but heavy tears. The last thing he ever wanted to do was cry in front of Ven but…

     But it’s okay this once since Ven can’t see. He already saw more than Vanitas ever wanted him too. This moment was for the two halves only, momentarily coming together in reassurance. Saying the right words without needing to vocalize them.

     I’ve got you.

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

[shadowmooncat]

Chapter 3: A Powerful Invitation.

*Starting in the last remnant of the Star clan lands, The team of Igar, Ellia, Lania, and Vira rest in their small stronghold. Since the land itself is sacred, no one can enter it, and due to this it is only them around. This is both a safe way to rest, as well as a costly danger. Little did they know that they would be cut off slowly by encroaching darkness.*

*Igar shivered a bit feeling uneasy and woke. The others were asleep in the small temple ruins. He slowly rose up and looked around. The area was dark around them and small bits of shadowy orbs floated around in the air. He blinked* Igar: wh-what is this?.. *carefully looking to them he nodded* Igar: concentrated darkness.. but this isnt normal.. and ive never felt this type of energy before.. is it a new gemstone?... no *he followed the darkness towards its sources outside and blinked. Around them the area was filled with complete darkness. Unable to even see beyond the temple. He growled* Igar: no this isnt normal... whoever it is is doing this... ???: target has risen.. the Devil Spores are not affecting him.. *Igar blinked and looked wide eyed seeing a figure appear from the dark forming together through the dark energy. He pulled back and readied his blades looking to him* Igar: W-what?! who are you? *the figure didnt speak instaead it rose its blade and swung down at him. He dodged the blade pulling back and slashed at the figures leg. The attack tore through its leg a bit but it quickly began healing easily. Igar blinked* Igar: what is.. gah! *he blocked the next swing with his blades but was sent flying into the temple crashing down on the girls. They soon woke up confused* Ellia: wh-what! Igar!? Vira: whats going on?! wha! what is that!! *she pointed to Ozowa who walked in and stared to them* Ozowa: their... awake?.. impossible.. *Reim shook her head and sprung up looking around* Reim: h-huh? hmm the atmosphere is dense with darkness... ive never seen.. *Lania yelled and shook her head* Lania: yahhh! what is that thing!? its a demon a giant dog demon! *Vira shook her head* Vira: dog demons dont have horns.. at least not the ones ive seen! *Igar looked to them* Igar: theres no time for that! move! *he rushed forward as a large blade from Ozowa slammed down and nearly crushed them but Igar held him back and was able to slide the blade across his own to the side. He then quickly stabbed three shurikens in his arm and pulled back. Ozowa brushed them out of his arm as they dropped and the group gathered ready to fight together.* *he looked to them and nodded* Ozowa: targets are only two.. the other two are unneeded. *Igar blinked*

Igar: whats it saying? only two?.. *Vira gasped suddenly looking as darkness began to engulf her* Vira: wh-what! those things... get it off hurry damn it! *she waved her blade trying to free herself as the darkness started to engulf her. Ellia made her way over to her but was knocked back by a ball of shadow that formed in front of her. The sudden explosion knocked her off her feet as she could only look as Vira faded* Ellia: no! Virrraaaa!! Igar: Virra! no! *Lania shivered and growled* Lania: y-you monster! now youll pay! *she rushed forward after Ozowa and rose her staff to strike him but was engulfed in the darkness and suddenly vanished* *Igar gasped as Ellia shook her head* Ellia: L-Lania!! no... you too! Igar: damn you! bring them back! *Ozowa's tone changed a bit* Ozowa: you do not command me star child. Now you will accept my masters will and enter the void. *Igar hissed* Igar: the hell I am! *he readied his weapon and rushed toward him. Ozowa rose his weapon as it glowed* Ozowa: foolishness. Target will be damaged but obtained. *as he moved to smash his blade down at him rays of light pierced his arm cutting straight through and caused him to pull it away as it burned slowly healing. He looked to Ellia who readied her attack again with her gemstone glowing as well. That one moment he took his eyes off of Igar though Igar rushed forward and stabbed his throat. Ozowa pulled back waving his sword as Igar pulled far back taking his sword out. the cut caused blood to gush from him but he healed just as quickly. Igar shook his head* Igar: thats.. too much.. he shouldnt be alive after that.. *Ellia looked as Ozowa healed completely* Ellia: his healing is strong.. even stronger than anything ive seen! *Igar closed his eyes* Igar: Its gotta fall.. if thats the case.. we need to constantly attack.. *Ozowa waved his blade sending a huge burst of red energy out at them. The two of them were caught off guard and knocked into the wall side by side* Igar: gah! Ellia: yah!.. *they stared looking as Ozowa started to spin his blade and glow red* Ozowa: damage will be severe but not life threatening.. *Igar looked to Ellia*

Igar: theres something about the way its moving that changed.. *Igar noticed the way Ozowa had to stay still as it charged its attack but before when it struck it seemed to be slower. He blinked suddenly as his eyes caught the energy forming around him. Red dark energy focused in his sword and seemed to be pulled from around his body* Igar: I dont know if this will work but... Ellia... when I strike aim at that point.. *she nodded* Ellia: alright. *Igar rushed forward as Ozowa started sending out waves of energy as well as charging his blade but Igar was able to push through them noticing the weakness and slashed straight across his chest jumping upward then pierced his sword deep in his chest next. Ozowa was affected by it but still spun his blade. Igar looked to Ellia* Igar: do it! *she yelled sending a huge beam of light from her gemstone at Ozowa. The attack smashed through his energy surprising him and focused on the cut in his chest. Surging through his body the light started to pulse into him. He roared and growled* Ozowa: t-too powerful! Damage is severe!....M...Master....gwaarrrrrghhh!!! *he was quickly decimated being torn to pieces and destroyed fading into darkness as his sword landed on the ground. Igar blinked* Igar: yes! we got it! *Ellia huffed kneeling down* Ellia: th-that thing was tough.. but what was it?.. ah the others! *Igar looked around* Igar: I dont see them.. and the darkness is still in the air.. what is...wait! its not over! *a womans voice laughed as she appeared from the shadow* ???: impressive! to take down that beast Ozowa is a feat in itself! But were beyond death. *Igar readied himself as Ellia looked to her* Igar: who are you! what do you want! *She shook her head* ???: walk into the void and see! My masters invitation to you has not gone away.. *suddenly forming from a pool of darkness Ozowa returned shocking both Igar and Ellia as he picked up his blade and stood beside her* Ellia: I-Igar!.. its back! Igar: he cant be! we destroyed it. *Ozowa looked to them* Ozowa: your attacks are meaningless against me. I do not exist in this world the way you see me. *Igar looked confused* Igar: wh-what does that mean? *the woman blinked and looked to the void then smiled nodding and looked to them* Avelldonna: oh! I see.. the master is impressed by your powers. He says you are worthy of us introducing our names to you. I am Avelldonna the right. I perfer Avel for short. *Ozowa stood calm and spoke* Ozowa: I am. Ozowa the left. *Igar blinked* Igar: you fight then introduce yourself? your pretty cocky. *she shook her head* Avel: We only follow our masters orders, and now his is to make sure you enter his realm. *she pointed her finger at Ellia and suddenly from it a green orb shot out at her. Ellia blinked and blocked it but her arm suddenly was seeded with a tiny plant. She blinked* Ellia: wh-what is this! *Avel grinned* Avel: my seed pod will turn you into something you hate.. but you can avoid that.. all you have to do is... *Ellia blinked* Ellia: seed pod?... oh I see.. *she glowed and sent light energy around her. Suddenly the seed pod screamed and burned away much to Avel's surprise* Avel: w-what! how did you.. *she shook her head* Ellia: attacks like that wont work on me. *Igar looked to her then back at them* Igar: we have no intention of being taken anywhere by force! bring back our friends and leave our world! *A voice spoke out* ????: Im afraid I cannot do that.. *suddenly the area turned fully back as light faded around them all. Igar gasped and suddenly felt hard to breathe kneeling down as Ellia gasped feeling chocked by the area's effect. Igar looked on and watched as a figure emerged from the void now. He blinked noticing it was only a shadow of a tall being coming from the void. Ozowa and Avel kneeled down as the figure stood in front of them* ???: you are both strong, I have need of you in my world. I can see even with you curdling on the ground, that you both are far more powerful than imagined. I would hate to do this but I need you both to sleep now. *Igar and Ellia suddenly gasped and started to lose air being engulfed in darkness from below them. Igar crawled over to Ellia who rose her hand out to him but she then suddenly passed out. He moved next to her with the last of his energy and closed his eyes passing out as well. With the two of them out and engulfed in shadow the figure spoke again* ???: take them in, their different from the other we have gathered.. put them in the dungeon for now.. forming them with the others so soon could make things hard for ANAMA to gather its energy from them all. *they nodded as the group were brought into the void and vanished* ======-=====-=======

*Meanwhile back to Blade and Elenel. They had made their way down the path heading toward the castle gates. Blade looked around seeing stars in both below and above the land. A vast endless starry land whirled around them seemingly pulling in light and venting darkness into some stars.* Blade: El.. this place is.. odd.. ive never seen a place like this.. its like a nightmare. *she nodded staying close to him as they walked carefully.* Blade: whatever it was that wants us here took us right in front of that big castle.. I can only imagine thats where this will all begin.. *they moved forward making their way toward the castle gates finally as the doors opened up in front. Blade blinked but readied himself nodding with Elenel who was prepared. As they entered quickly they looked around. Behind them the door faded way and they were in a room with glowing broken stones flowing with energy. the area was dark with a large creature inside a tube in the middle of the room absorbing the light and producing darkness from the tube. The area itself was vastly larger than what they could belive.* Blade: what.. IS this place.. it makes no sense at all.. *Elenel pointed to figures in the distance. Two figures seemed to look around in the middle part of the room. Blade nodded* Blade: theres someone here.. lets get some answers.. *Blade rushed up toward the figures down the path and tore off a piece of the wooden handrail forming a wooden sword. He rushed at the first figure he could see slashing down at them but his blade was cut in two from a real blade and a gun was pointed toward his face. He blinked and pulled back growling* Blade: who are you and why did you bring us here! *the figure turned out to be Hisao who kept his gun pointed to him but shook his head* Hisao: me?! I didnt do anything, who are you!? *Yuhiko moved beside him* Yuhiko: huh are they... not from here either?... *Elenel moved next to Blade and looked to them* Elenel: ...they.. are not.. them. *Blade looked to her* Blade: so.. what does that mean? their not our enemy? *Hisao nodded* Hisao: we arent an enemy.. we were brought here by some woman.. well we had no choice.. *Blade blinked* Blade: a woman? thats odd we were attacked and dragged into here by arms after some demon looking guy tried to kill us. *Ihgihasa appered from Yuhiko* Ihgi: a demon? how? *Blade yelped* Blade: gwa! what the hell is that!? *Elenel shook her head* Elenel: a spirit!.. *Yuhiko looked to Ihgi* Yuhiko: h-hey it might be best not to pop out of nowhere like that.. *she blinked and nodded* Ihgi: yes.. your right. My apologies.. *she faded away leaving Blade and Elenel more confused* Blade: well.. alright.. something tells me I dont want to know.. anyhow since your not the ones who brought us here then I guess were in this together.. *Hisao nodded* Hisao: yeah.. so it seems.. and it looks like we may not have a choice for now. *Blade nodded* Blade: your right um... *Hisao nodded greeting him* Hisao: my name is Hisao Nakama. *Yuhiko nodded* Yuhiko: I am Yuhiko Maru. *Blade smiled* Blade: Hisao, Yuhiko. Alright. I am Blade and this is Elenel. *the two of them looked at each other then nodded to them* Hisao: Blade.. Elenel.. hello. *Yuhiko nodded* Yuhiko: hello! *Blade smirked* Blade: well now that thats out of the way.. should we explore a bit? *Hisao looked around* Hisao: well.. since we all made it here.. I guess thats all we can do. *Yuhiko nodded and blinked as a path formed from darkness to the right* Yuhiko: l-look.. a pathway! kind of odd it happened now.. *Blade growled* Blade: humph.. their trying to lead us.. I dont like it. *Hisao nodded* Hisao: yes thats true.. but we dont have a choice in the matter. *Blade looked to Elenel who was already moving toward the path* Blade: h-hey! wait.. dont go off on your own! *she looked to him and waved* Blade: fine fine im going! *he followed after her as Hisao and Yuhiko decided to follow them* CHAPTER END