#im just relieved its done and i got it out of my system

[souryoong]

all mine | pjm (18+)

pairing: ex boyfriend!jimin x reader

word count: 2,356

genre: smut!! (18+ readers only)

summary: your new boyfriend can't make you finish, but your ex boyfriend sure can.

warnings: written sex, porn with a plot, protected sex, fingering, multiple orgasms (duh), lots of g spot stimulation lol, somewhat rough sex maybe if you squint, making out, tongue kissing, blonde streaks jimin, jimin is tatted, jimin's chain necklace is dangling in her face, jimin knows her body (!!!).

*please do yourself a favor & listen to that song before or after you read this*

click here to be added to my taglist!

authors note: sooooo um hi! long time no see. I feel like this is my longest streak with no new content (almost 2 months!! wtf) and I can say...I have no excuses lol. life just happens. im an adult its okay.

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“Pick up, please pick up.” You crossed your fingers as your phone was dialing your ex, Park Jimin once again to come over for sex.

You both ended your relationship on good terms, Jimin always had a busy schedule and was sometimes overseas for most of the year. Both of you agreed it was for the best to separate.

However, that didn’t stop either of you from still getting together every so often to fuck.

You were seeing someone new, nothing serious, and neither of you were exclusive.

There was nothing really wrong with the guy, just one thing — he could never make you cum.

You even went as far as faking it, multiple times because in the moment, it just to be done. He never seemed to notice. Then, when Jimin was free, he would quite literally fuck your brains out. It was a good system you had worked out.

When you told Jimin how your new man couldn’t make you finish, it gave him a huge ego boost — as if he needed it. He knew he was good in bed. The way you would writhe underneath him from just his tongue, or the way he would have you almost crying in pleasure.

Now, your new boyfriend was out of town, giving the perfect opportunity for Jimin to come over for the night.

“Hello?” Jimin’s voice finally spoke through the phone, and you felt relieved.

“Hey, Jimin.” You spoke in the sweetest voice you could. “Are you busy tonight?” You twirled a strand of your hair around your finger.

“Ah.” Jimin answered, you could practically hear him smiling. “I think I already know why you’re calling me.”

You blushed to yourself. “Fuck, Jimin. Okay. I need dick, that is why I’m calling you.”

“Where’s your new man?” He cheekily asked you.

“I mean as in good dick.” You spat back to him. “He’s out of town this week, and you know that man can’t make me cum.”

Jimin chuckled. “I know, but I love hearing you say that.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You teased him. “You coming over or not? I’m wearing some new panties I want to show you. Hmm. Or maybe none at all.”

“Fuck.” Jimin swore, frustrated. “You know I can’t say no. I’ll be there in 30 minutes.”

You smirked to yourself. “I’ll be waiting. Bye.”

You changed into a matching baby pink lacy bralette and panty set, the color happened to have always been Jimin’s favorite on you. You quickly threw your fluffy white robe over it and waited for him on the couch in your apartment.

Right on time, there was a knock on the door, and you got up to open it.

Jimin flashed you a smile before walking in, taking his sunglasses off. He looked so incredible he nearly took your breath away. He shut the door behind himself, locking it. Instantly his lips were on yours.

“Jimin.” You breathed out in between kisses. You draped your arms over his shoulders and around his neck, letting him take control.

He hummed in response, deepening the kiss as you felt him slide his tongue into your mouth, making you moan in response.

He pulled away, kissing down your neck and to your bare chest that wasn’t covered with the robe.

“Fuck, Jimin.” You whined, leaning your head back, tangling your fingers in his blonde streaked hair. “I missed you.”

“Me too.” His teeth scraped against your skin, making you jump. “Let’s go to your bedroom.”

Once you were in your bedroom, Jimin stripped himself of his hoodie and t shirt. He got to work unbuttoning his jeans as you untied your robe, letting it fall onto the floor below.

“Oh, fuck.” Jimin nearly moaned at the sight of you, especially in his favorite color.

“Mhm.” You smirked. “Wore it just for you.”

Jimin dropped to his knees in front of you, hands all over your thighs, and kissing your stomach, waist, and hips.

You chuckled lightly. “Jimin, that tickles.”

He hummed, grabbing one of your thighs firmly with one hand, and landing a smack to your ass with the other. The sudden contact made you gasp.

“Jimin!”

He stood up, smirking as his fingers graced the lacy material of your lacy bra. “Baby as much as I love how you wore this for me, I’d like it better if it was on the floor.”

Now sitting on the bed with your knees apart, you reached behind your back and unhooking it. Jimin reached and pulled the article of clothing off you, throwing it to the floor.

He tilted your chin up to kiss you again, the kiss being so forceful you almost couldn’t catch your breath.

Jimin pulled away and you nearly gasped for air. His hot breath was on your neck.

“God, look at you, I can’t get enough of you.”

He left open-mouthed kisses on your chest and you softly moaned; knowing where it was leading.

Except, you nearly cried out when his warm mouth was around your left nipple, his tongue swirling around it just how you liked it.

You couldn’t help how you tugged on his hair; your body so sensitive from not being touched like this in so long.

Jimin lifted his head up, smirking at how worked up you were. “What, your man doesn’t do this?” He lightly pinched your right nipple, making you let out a whine.

You leaned your head back, biting your lip. Nobody could get you worked up quite like Jimin could.

“Jimin, I need you to fuck me. Please.”

You pressed your thighs together, aching for his touch. Jimin noticed right away.

He moved his mouth from your left nipple over to your right, giving it equal attention. Your moan came out almost a sob.

“Jimin!”

You leaned back to lay down against your bed sheets, Jimin shifted to now hover over you, his mouth going straight back to your nipple.

“So worked up for me, I could probably make you cum from just this.” He kissed the skin below your right breast, nibbling lightly.

And he wasn’t wrong, he probably could.

“Jimin…” You were practically writhing underneath him.

He sat up slightly, taking in the sight of your body underneath him. He loved seeing you like this, so needy and worked up just for him.

Jimin brushed over your still clothed entrance over your panties with his fingers, making you suppress a moan by biting your lip. You could imagine how wet you were, and probably soaking through your panties.

“Just for me.” Jimin smirked. “Cute.”

He hooked his fingers around either side of your panties, and you lifted your hips for him to pull them off.

Once he did, he threw them to the side somewhere onto the floor.

Jimin moved so now he was in different position, like he was somewhat sitting next to you.

Noticing how his jeans were pulled down slightly and unbuttoned, his length was straining against his boxers. Your mouth practically was salivating.

“Fuck, Jimin.” You swore. “Your cock.” It almost seemed bigger since the last time, but it’s only been a couple weeks.

He didn’t say anything, just hummed. You shifted your upper body, Jimin guided you to open your legs more than they already were. You didn’t even have to wonder if you were wet, it had felt like you’ve been nearly gushing all night long.

You gasped at the contact of his fingers to your soaked entrance. Jimin swore under his breath.

“Fuck. You’re soaked. My fingers will slip right in.”

You let out a rather loud moan when he pushed his middle and ring finger inside of you, pressing against your walls. You almost forgot you had neighbors that could probably hear all of this.

Jimin’s lips crashed against yours as he started finger fucking you with earnest. You cried out against his mouth as he hit your g spot repeatedly. You felt your thighs starting to shake, and your stomach starting to tighten.

Jimin started watching his fingers go in and out of you, as you were practically clutching onto him.

“Jimin. Jimin.” You sounded so desperate saying his name repeatedly.

“Gonna cum for me?” His face was close to yours before he kissed you again.

You bit down on your lip, letting out a moan. “Mmm. Yes. Yes.” You tried to nod.

You felt yourself becoming more wet, then hearing the squelching sound of Jimin’s fingers moving in and out of you.

“Fuck, look at you, clenching my fingers like that.” Jimin moaned.

You were shaking, clutching onto him so hard that you felt like you should be apologizing, but he was pressing so hard against your inner walls that you were about to lose it.

“Jimin. Jimin.” You kept saying his name.

“Mhm. Say my name.” He kissed you, but you couldn’t even kiss him back, your orgasm hit you the hardest it has in a while.

“Jimin. Fuck. Don’t stop.” You squeezed your eyes shut, feeling like your whole body was shaking.

“Let it go, I got you.” He buried his face in your neck as you let out a rather loud moan.

You were panting like you just ran 5 miles, not even opening your eyes. The muscles in your thighs felt on fire.

“Jimin, what the fuck?” You managed to breathe out.

“Baby, this is nothing new.” Jimin chuckled. “I think you’ve just been neglected.”

You heard him slide off the bed, and heard his jeans getting taken off and thrown onto the floor.

“Open your eyes, I want you to look at me.”

You swallowed thickly and opened your eyes to see Jimin turned away from you, still in his underwear. You noticed his tattoo of the moon phases down his back, probably your favorite tattoo of his.

“Do you still have those condoms?” Jimin asked you.

Since you and Jimin had been getting together rather frequently, you had stashed a box of condoms at the very bottom of one of your drawers in your dresser. The both of you agreed it was probably a good idea to use condoms since you weren’t a couple anymore.

“Yeah. At the bottom of the drawer like always.” You answered, watching him walk over to the drawer, open it, reach in and grab a foil packet.

“You’re running out.” Jimin joked, smiling as he pulled down his black underwear, revealing his thick cock.

You bit down on your bottom lip as you watched him open the packet and roll the condom on over the tip. “Yeah, I uh guess I’d better get more.”

Jimin climbed on top of the bed, hovering over you. He adjusted some pillows so you would be comfortable.

His necklace was dangling as he was aligning himself with your entrance, teasing you by tapping the tip against your clit, making you whine from the sensitivity still.

“I forgot how pretty you looked underneath me.” Jimin spoke, but before you could respond in any way, you felt him push himself into you, the stretch of his girth feeling divine.

You couldn’t even form words, you just let out a whine. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

You felt like you could cum almost instantly at his first few thrusts, it had been so long and right now they were feeling better than ever.

“Mhm.” Jimin licked his lips, leaning down to kiss you.

He pushed your legs further apart, holding them behind your knees. Jimin’s pace changed, and he started thrusting into you slower, but hitting deeper.

You felt him nudge your sweet spot inside of you, making you cry out in pleasure.

“Fuck. Right there!”

He was hitting the spot repeatedly, making you squeeze your eyes shut, your hands grabbing onto him.

“God you’re so fucking wet.” Jimin swore, burying his face in your neck, starting to fuck you harder.

You could feel and hear your bed frame hitting the wall at the force, and Jimin’s hot breath panting onto your neck.

“Jimin, my neighbors.” You slightly laughed, fingers combing through his blonde streaked locks.

His pace faltered as he got up, now hovering over you, his chain necklace dangling. “I don’t care.” Jimin kissed you softly, then you pulled him closer for more, his tongue gliding against yours.

Your jaw mouth fell open at one thrust, and he smirked, knowing you were close.

“Jimin.” Your voice came out needier than you wanted it to. “Fuck I’m so close.”

“I can tell.” Jimin panted. “Fuck, you’re clenching me so good.”

He shifted your body to the side, putting one of your legs over his shoulder.

You couldn’t help but whine at the change of position, hands moving to grip your bed sheets.

“Fuck, Jimin.” You let out a moan when his fingers started to rub your clit simultaneously as he was fucking you. “More.”

You weren’t sure what you were asking for more of, you were torn between fighting off your orgasm to last a little while longer, or to just give into it.

“More?” Jimin seemed taken aback, your cunt still so wet you could hear it. “I’ll give you more.”

His knee pushed your other leg to the side, and he thrusted into you harder than before. Your orgasm hit you practically seconds later, and you could have sworn you blacked out for a moment.

Jimin’s pace barely faltered as he fucked you through your orgasm. Your walls clenching him tightly, and he grabbed a hold of your legs because you were shaking.

He continued fucking into you until his orgasm hit him, and he almost fell on top of you.

Your bodies right up against each other, and you kept repeating his name; it was all that you could say.

“Yes, I’m right here.” Jimin spoke, kissing you softly along your jaw.

“That was. That was.” You couldn’t even say it. “Fuck.” You slightly laughed at your current state.

“Amazing?” Jimin laughed, trying to finish your thoughts.

“Mhm.” You nodded, combing your fingers through Jimin’s hair.

“So, you know he won’t be back for like 3 days or something like that.” You spoke. “We can do this again.”

Jimin smirked, knowing fully well that you would be.

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taglist: @dearlyjoonie @thepurpleghost

[zoroshark]

Hey! This is Zoro coming with an update about my health as quite a few things have happened the past couple of months. As some may know, I've been dealing with chronic pain and illness since February of last year as mentioned in this post here.

A quick summary of it was that I have been dealing with constant bladder and stomach problems suddenly that were disrupting day to day life as they were painful and constant. Despite the multiple hospital visits, nothing was really done and at the time I could only wait to see certain specialists (which required a lot of money to see). Recently however, I finally got an answer to what was causing me pain in one part of my stomach! The culprit was my gallbladder and it has been removed!

The rest of the post will be caught off so for those who want to read in more detail, but one issue has been solved (at least i hope so)!

I also want to note here and thank everyone who's been supportive of me during this rough patch in my life. I also want to thank those who sent money for the GoFundMe! However, due to a few circumstances which will also be explained in the read more section, I will be refunding it all to those who donated.

TLDR version of my reason is that I was advise to do so for the eligibility medical/financial benefits I've been looking into. The refunds should be sent in about a week, so keep and eye out!

TW for Medical related subjects such as surgery.

For what was causing me pain in my stomach, or at least one of the reasons:

Turns out I had gallstones that somehow CT scans and ultrasounds didn't pick up last year, despite the pain and discomfort I was in from them. It got to the point where the pain was so unbearable, I was crying for about 2-3 hours before going to the ER. They found one stone had thicken walls through the ultrasounds and my gallbladder was infected from these stones.

Because of the findings, I underwent surgery to completely remove it during my stay in the hospital. I am now close to two weeks post-op and so far it has relieved most, if not all, of the constant pain I've been in my upper right. While I still have issues elsewhere in my body, it feels nice to have one issue solved. I just hope I don't need another trip to the ER anytime soon.

As for the detailed explanation for refunding the GoFundMe donations:

A few months back I after the go found me, I was accepted in a financial assistance program that made doctor's visits way cheaper. From close to hundreds of dollars to 3 dollars, that was way more an affordable price range for me. Despite that, i kept the donations on hold just in cause anything changed or something wasn't covered by the program until now.

Along with that, I've been applying for disability as I am considered disabled by my psychiatrist due to my mental health. After talking to a few folks who knew about the system, they mentioned that the money from the fundraiser could harm the process in gaining these benefits. Their recommended course of action was to refund the money as a precaution, so I'm following their advice. After the refunds have gone through, I will be closing the fundraiser.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, I want to give a massive thank you everyone in general who have supported me through all this. Its been difficult, especially since I had to accommodate to the pain and changes in my body. There has been MANY ups and for sure downs, but I'm still holding on!

Thank you for reading on this update, and expect to see me slowly become active again on here! I'm still in my Zonai phase so expect more content revolving around that, along with possible Zora content. Original works not involving fandoms will also (hopefully) be posted too!

Im also thinking of opening commissions in the future! I'll need to ask about that first due to what I mentioned above, but as far as I'm aware, I should be okay to do so (but don't quote me on it). So keep an eye out!

[summercurial]

extremely long emotional bullshit under the cut. woops

i used to get really bent out of shape about how i have depression but im not like....nothing *happened* to me! i mean, my childhood wasnt amazing or anything, i was lonely and angry, but its not like i was like...traumatized, yknow? and that felt like it made it worse, like i didnt have...an excuse? idk. like it was just me sucking in some sort of inherent way, that because id never been broken i couldnt be "healed", yknow? i could be...improved, but thats a different act! fixing a broken feature and adding a new one are fundamentally different acts

anyway i mostly got over that by 1) acknowledging that even tho my parents were by no means abusive, their specific neuroticism scarred me in ways that are like, real and significant (when i noticed myself flinching when i heard yelled voices from another room, when i realized that i grew up with this terror of my mom exploding because even though 95% of the time she was way nicer than most moms, her outbursts were totally random so i couldnt predict them so i was always scared of them, i felt...relieved! like...oh, something i can point to, some cause!) and 2) recognizing that i probably have genetic/natal/developmental predispositions to depression and anxiety, it doesnt need to be "caused" by anything thats psychoanalytic bullshit, my brain can jsut be...built wrong, and probably is, and thats probably the truth and i sort of have to deal with that. anyway

so my point is that i got over the need to have a cause for depression and stuff but my recent uh...development? acknowledgement? of my weird sex leanings, i mean i was always a sub but it wasnt really real til the past couple years yknow? and the stuff i used to watch/read was like, idk less real? less grounded? yknow, silly abstract fantasy dungeon stuff. cuz i hadnt done much stuff irl, yknow. anyway so now i have this urge to have a cause for that. especially cuz im reading serious weakness, and its like...everybodys got all these causes yknow, its part of a coherent character, you ask "why are they this way" but like why am i this way, idk! im... i mean i guess these days i have some cause to point to. the consent violation, and the longer list of boundary violation. but idk, thats a bummer of a reason cuz i sort of did that to myself. i mean like it wasnt my fault, or whatever, theres a moral responsibility, to not hurt people, but i did yknow. i got myself into stupid risky situations, repeatedly, and then the result of getting yourself into stupid risky situations, as a person who has trouble saying no when something unpleasant is done to you, happened.

so idk, i have Trauma or whatever now, but its trauma i indirectly caused, so like. that sucks

fuck writing this post made me really emotional. or like, i dont really feel emotional but i can feel myself tearing up. man i gotta finish serious weakness, get this out of my system. i dont go to therapy anymore. so. i guess thats why im posting this

ANYWAY uh. i think thats part of why i like "pain sluts are natures candy" so much, the idea of being valued for being the weird messed up thing i sort of turned myself into

[hi-chae]

The Sorority Logs - #1 The Beginning

hello! we're the sorority! you may know me from @the-sorority-system and our syscourse posts but here is our more casual blog.

the details of this log will be our diagnosis journey, our thoughts on how therapy is going, and more. we need a healthy way to put these thoughts out. whether or not we're a disordered system will be determined in the future and will be in the contents of this log but we find this log to be important anyways. If I am disordered, cool, this will be a great way to detail our journey. If I'm not, this will help questioning systems figure certain things out.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE FROM THE STATE I AM IN WITHIN THE U.S. DO NOT see this log as a checklist of everything you need to do to get referrals / diagnosed. This is all within my personal experience and yours will be different. There is also a general content warning for doubting your system. is disclaimer will be put on the beginning of all of my posts.

The journey will be long... let's start

it all starts in... god i don't even know where the proper start is. was it in summer of 2022, where i had a mental breakdown so bad that lutz came in and took care of me? was it in summer of 2021, where i discovered the endogenic community and finally felt heard? only for that to be ripped from me in that same winter? or was it sometime in middle school, where i was "faking" DID because i thought it was cool but my members were never anime characters and i felt something physically change when i was them?

the answer is: i dont know. maybe it started in childhood when i made up a best friend named rachel or maybe it was far from that. i dont know. and im scared to know but also im excited to find out.

i live in an area where information about DID isnt exactly up to date. according to more experiences systems, not a lot of therapists know how to recognize it. and not a lot of therapists in general specialize in DID.

but im getting tested anyways. and im incredibly lucky to do so. because i got a referral to get a psych eval and im getting follow up tests in March. that should be exciting right? it is but... i dont want to be told my problems arent serious and they arent what i think they are and that the way i view myself is wrong. i feel like a lot of our identity focuses on how our brain works and its... terrible. i wish i could accept everything i was told i am but theres something deep inside of me who knows what i or we are.

no more thoughts. lets get some dates down.

end of November

i get my psych eval done. i dissociate the whole time while he asks me and my mom questions about my mental health. i think he notices this because he wants testing done on my dissociation. i feel relieved but also terrified. mostly because of my insurance.

DEC 13TH, 2022

in therapy, a protected little comes out with our permission. she cries and cries and babbles baby talk. our therapist can see our hurt and wants her to know she's doing a good job. but something feels... off. he refers to them as our core and talks about how she's actually a big kid who isn't who she actually is. she knows this isn't true. she cries anyways. she trusts him. thats a relief. but something still feels wrong. she continues therapy groups, still sensitive, still small, until we leave for the night, where one of us forces her to go back (she did a really good job). we process whats happened. it feels wrong, feels gross. we cant put a finger on it other than that we feel invalidated somehow. to some people we went to about how we werent who we thought we were. they comfort and reassure us. our biggest worry was that he didnt believe us but if he didnt believe us, he wouldnt have brought out that little. his information is just a little outdated, go figure. they suggest we go to him the next day to ask him to do more modern techniques

DEC 14tth, 2022

we ask him to go for more modern techniques and he said we would talk about it in our next session. we straight up ask him if he thinks we have a dissociation disorder and he says he doesnt think i do. he thinks i have very separated "protective parts of myself". it sends me into a panic. i ask a few people if they know if most therapists know how to recognize DID, because something felt off again. not a lot do, the more experienced system says. they press more and analyze that it seems like he knows he's out of his area of expertise and that his info is just really outdated due to the fact that DID used to be seen as MPD and there was a time where MPD was seen as "needing the inner child to be healed" (it also wasnt considered a dissociative disorder). that somewhat reassures me. what reassures me the most is hearing how if hes accepting of the idea to talk about it next session, he's willing and encouraging of it. if he avoids the topic, he's likely doubtful. more than anything, i want my experiences to be believed. im glad he believes me. and im glad i can believe that he believes me.

that leaves me with today, awaiting the next session. if im honest, im scared but hopeful. logically, i know i wont be invalidated in my feelings. his heart is in the right place and he wants to help and understand and believe in me. im nervous and he can sense that but i know whatever im going through, he's willing to put in the effort to see who the sorority system is.

[lettersformiah]

9:37am, 7 jul

hey bubs. only two days of placement! lets go. in my head its friday but its not and im so sad about it. i was late again hehehe i always am though bc i have no sense of urgency bc its fucking school. only late by like a halfa (or technically an hour if you count acg) but yeah i woke up and was like non and then woke up at like 8:15? but yeah. got the 9:25 bus and the worker people who do the stop and go signs had to stop them so i could cross the road hehehe. they were very very nice. the construction, i learnt, is on a power line. dont know what happened there but hopefully it gets fixed soon. had glimpse of us stuck in ym head this morning so ive just been listening to it on repeat. i keep having to sign in at the office so mrs copley doesnt come for me about being truant hehe but how many times can i go there in a week and press the silly buttons about missing my bus or family or sleeping in. its literally a game to me to just fucking press whatever button i see first. getting out of french next period! or at least half of it because im gonna hang out with hannah. none of my friends know im here but theyve also stopped texting me asking where i am so im glad they are just like eh she will get here when she gets here. i dont know what to say to hannah. what do i talk about. i feel like i cant be as open with her as id liek and i know thats so detrimental but like,, ive never been good at being 100% honest with my counselors and stuff so! idk. maybe i just talk about internals and your parents and you obvs and then?? idk job stuff and my dad? and my sister. i dont know i guess i have a lot to say just as an update to my life. also! sorry for falling asleep last night bubba, i know you werent home and its a bit of a mb. its very very sweet of you to stay on call though bubba. makes me so happy :*] even tho rn joji is making me so sad bro like. :'[ oh! geo is actually due first week term 2 ^^ im happy about that bc then i can do it while i wait around for u to be done with uni. but yeah! the reliever :l told me that she wants as much as she can get from us tomorrow but to have all of it done over the holidays. which is nice for me bc then i can do the excellence stuff and get everything done. im so glad. i love mrs haggart sm hehehe shes a banging teacher fr and i hope i get her next year. bio will um be something. maybe he will say just to get it done by tomorrow which i can do all of it tn. and i can write my english! im so fucking happy with it. like smh and my writing isnt amazing by any means, but i found a nice system and sparknotes is like helping me so much so i owe my grade to them for deadass just giving me quotes and themes. i love the internet bro. imagine if i had to do it all from my own fucking brain. id be so pressed. but yeah! i dont know what the last two texts are gonna be but ill just search around sparknotes for some stuff and just randomly search novels ive read in my life. maybe i will actually do the maze runner, surely its on there yk? my nose is all sniffly bubba >:( the outside is pretty chilly and geo is warm as. the temperature difference being a bitch to my poor poor nose. so dog hehe but yeah! idk bubba. i love you! geo will be over in a second so this was just a teeny update on my morning and all that. i love you sm and thank u for everything. mwahmwhamwahwmah

talk soon

-mads<3

[iusedtobeapieceofconsciousness]

i think about Baltic a little too much to pretend i have no heart

A Tumblr account and a year of nothing but forced therapy later and im still alive somehow. A lot has happened, maybe people caught you up. Anyways, i was going to write about how im oh so fucked up or how im doing so much better or some shit, but im not, because its not really true. i miss some things. the junction feels like a ghost town, a foreign town without you being there to guide me around. and when i think of north york i get sick thinking of just what everything up there meant. I’m sorry about NYU, i know i was holding you back from New York, and i thought at least now you can go. i know im not supposed to know about that but i hope your other options work. i hope your parents are better and the next job you get is better than your last and that your world is healing, you deserve rest and a place to be safe. i hope youre not smoking too much and that youre sticking to just weed. Fuck you for that by the way, your sobriety meant a lot to me because it meant a lot to you, you couldve told me when you broke it instead of telling me when you wanted to use it to shock me. Maybe youll be relieved to know that im still smoking a lot, still fucking dumb, and still always late, you didnt miss out on much. i have some new friends and some have stayed, i have a girlfriend and she treats me really well, so you dont have to worry about me being dead yet. I hope youre ok, and i do genuinely care for you, i hope whoever you meet treats you well and loves you in all the right ways. Summer and the months after were filled with depression-fueled introspection and a lot of acid, so my thinking process is a little different but im not in psychosis yet. I hope your scars fade and your mind heals and your trauma is easier to manage and the doors of your life open and light pours into your windows whenever its needed and the tea you drink is always the right temperature and the work you put in fruitions into something beautiful and those little fish pastries stay available at the market and i hope you find someone who can make a deadline on time for God’s sake. I hope you and your mother can become friends, or i hope she fucking dies depending on your opinion on her at the moment. Maybe i cant talk about your mom anymore, i know she hates me, im sorry. im finally getting my adhd analysis, and im going in like 8 hours to get it done. my situation with my parents has become a very long story, but things with my dad got a lot worse before theyre now getting better.

You don’t have to be worried about me, i know ill fuck this situation up with my friends and girl and support system and ill kill myself in a few years and youll never have to hear about me again.

god i love your area, your world. i hope the traffic at dundas and keele never gets any better and the thrift thus always has new finds and that the woman there always recognizes you when you walk in, i hope theres always seemingly a million buses going to the station and only 2 going away when you need it, i hope kids keep climbing the fence to get to the train tracks at the park on vine because they get to live a little and i hope the vesuvios gets bought and reopened and that the outside of your house has gotten much safer when its late, I hope you love your cd player still and you take good care of that special version of Blonde. I miss that area, but i know its yours, and i respect that. Im sorry for walking into your world and then fucking it up. There are a lot of things that are wrong with me, and a lot of things about myself that i think i have made better. In a perfect world id be able to help you in life without you ever talking to me again, because i feel bad for all the fuck ups, but i know thats literally impossible. And im genuinely proud of you for staying alive, if im even allowed to tell you that. I hope someday your name is under a movie i just watched, or i hope i never hear of it again, whatever makes you happy. I lie, id like to be reminded and know of your existence as time passes. I hope you find peace, therapy, and closure, and a good set of friends. I know theyre out there, and i know youll find them. I hope you continue and succeed in your plans of getting the hell out of the city, that plan works for you solo or together, i know it means more to you than it did to me. and im sorry i couldn't be everything, and im more sorry for becoming worse than just not enough. every emotion i felt for you i felt it very intensely, wanting to fall on the floor and crumble into a ball of overwhelming emotion and angst and yearning to understand what anything i was feeling actually meant, and i think thats a reflection of who you are. youre a wildfire, caged in the confines of your mind. If anyone could bend the universe to their will, its you. Youre so very strong Leticija. I hope the universe brings good things and good people into your life and that you find peace in whatever you do. You’re so much better than all the shit you’re going through. I was going to end this with some niche connection to fireball and night fiend so it could sound nice and make me cry, but im really fucking bad at it and cant think of one, so you have this. I truly hope youre ok, you were always right when you said life sucks and I hope Cat and Big Cat are doing well too. I still count trees while saying tree out loud like our competition, and i still think what you’d think of the books i read. You continued living, and im very glad you did. You’re an enigma, please never stop being you. 

[timmicita]

i cant believe i spent 3 months of my life on this… here it is, the most self indulgent thing i will ever make

[gale-gentlepenguin]

ML Fic: Soulmate Survey Part 33

Sorry this got delayed for longer than expected. I had a lot of things hit me like a truck (and distractions). Hopefully you all enjoy this. Please comment your thoughts on the chapter. And if you really liked it, Reblog it. Thats the best way to get others to see it.

(Master Post)

_______________________________________________________________________

Nathalie cautiously walked into the school, careful to not stand out. She needed to be quick and quiet, she didn’t know how many akuma were lurking in the building. Hawkmoth has akumatized a good chunk of the student body at this school, so expecting at least a dozen within such a short time frame wouldn’t be out of the question. She was relieved that the akuma alert hasn't gone off, which means no one has caught on yet.

The assistant moved down the hall, stopping once she noticed two akuma heading down the hall. One she recognized as the akuma dark owl, and the other as Lady wifi. Both akuma wearing masks that covered their faces. It was clearly the handiwork of Masquerade. She quickly moved into the nearest room to hide.

“That was close.” Nathalie whispered.

“What was?” a voice from behind her called out. Causing the on edge assistant to jump.

She looked to see it was not an akuma, but an adult with a perplexed expression.

“Nothing, what room is this?”

“This is the nurse’s office, I’m Nurse Angela. How can I help you?”

Nathalie took a sigh of relief. Seems that the nurse hasn’t noticed the akumatized individuals in the hall. Which means that no one has figured out there are akuma active.

“I am fine, I simply stepped into the wrong room.” Nathalie eased herself. “Could you tell me which way Ms. Bustier’s classroom is?”

“Oh its down the hall, make a left and it’s the last classroom on the...”

“Nurse! My ice pack melted!”

The nurse took a calming sigh.

“One moment ma’am. I have a student in here.”

Angela quickly moved to fetch more ice for her patient to help her out.

“Chloé?” Nathalie spoke aloud, recognizing the voice.

Nathalie moved into the room and took notice of the mayor’s daughter watch the nurse impatiently as she waited for a fresh icepack.

“Wait, your Gabriel Agreste’s assistant. Natasha.”

“Nathalie.” The assistant corrected, clearly annoyed.

“Why are you here? Does Adrien have some photoshoot or something?”

“Or something.  Now why are you in here?”

The question struck a nerve with the blonde, causing her annoyance to turn into anger.

“Better question, how could you allow Adrien to date that loser!?”

Nathalie blinked.

“Excuse me?”

“She is going to bring down the Gabriel brand. That nobody has no right to be dating Adrien. Does his father know about this?”

Nathalie felt a twinge of annoyance. But kept it in. She remembered the akuma that were out in the hallway. She would hate to have them run in here just from the commotion.

“I think you should keep it down. This is not an issue that concerns you.”

“Doesn’t concern me?! I am Adrien’s childhood friend. You bet your poor dye job it concerns me!”

“I must insist you be quiet.” Nathalie repeats. “This is not the time or the place for such meaningless complaints.”

“Like I am going to listen to Gabriel Agreste’s rebound chick.”

That caused Nathalie to snap.

“Listen here you spoiled brat! There are akuma running the halls and I am trying to find Adrien to get him out of here before things get worse. If you don’t shut your mouth in the next two seconds. I will throw you out there and let them tear you apart!”

Chloé felt her eyes go wide at the out of nowhere outburst. It took her a second to process what just happened. Did she really get told off by this nobody?

“You can’t just…”

Nathalie suddenly fell to the floor. She barely used her hands to catch herself.

“S***, not now.” She mumbled over gasping breathes. Her body was failing on her again. She did not need this of all times. She felt her consciousness fade.

The nurse turned around once she heard the sudden thud.

“Oh dear.”

She rushed to the collapsed woman’s side and helped her up.

“Chloé. Help me get her onto the bed.”

“You want me to…”

“This is not the time for questions! Help me get her on the bed now!” Angela commanded.

Chloé’s protests were snuffed out by the nurse and she moved to help get the woman on the bed.

The nurse quickly checked her for a pulse. Thankfully she had one.

“Okay, she has a pulse. She is breathing, but her body just collapsed. A fainting spell?”

Angela started checking the assistant to make sure there was nothing else wrong.

Chloé watched as the nurse examined Nathalie. Her previous anger fading as she sees the woman that just snapped at her just drop.

“Okay… seems that it is over exhaustion. It’s not uncommon in people who work long hours with demanding jobs. But I have never seen a case like this. I can’t put my finger on it, but there might be another medical issue involved in this. When she wakes up, she should get checked into a hospital for a deeper dive into whatever she has.” Angela explained.

“So… she will be alright?”

“Well she is exhausted. She will need to rest for a bit.”

“Well at least she didn’t die. I can still be mad at her for yelling at me because there is an akuma and junk here.”

“Well you shouldn’t hold a… did you just say there is an akuma?”

“That’s what she was yelling at me about before. Weren’t you listening?”

Angela felt herself go pale.

“Oh that is not good at all. We need to alert the authorities.”

Chloé picked up her phone and started texting.

“Don’t you think you should use that to call the cops.”

“Im texting my dad. He will have the cops here faster.”

Angela remembered that the annoying spoiled blonde in front of her was the mayor’s daughter and for the first time, was happy that the girl was here.

_______________________________________________________________________

For what is a teen, but a pile of hormones and insecurities.

Masquerade delighted as she watched her classmates stare at her. They all were trying so hard to be strong, but she could feel their emotions, they were afraid. She knew that taking the most emotionally secure one in the group would rattle them..

She noticed the teens rushing to their pockets to get their phones.

Masquerade touched the cellphone charm on her bracelet and all of the phones started showing they had no signal.

“Nice try, but no calling for help.” Masquerade commented.

Even the chill Nino couldn’t maintain a steady calm in front of her with that little display. She now removed any chance of calling for help or setting off that akuma alert system. Did she have access to other powers? What kind of monster did Hawkmoth turn her into?

“I’ll save you for last Nino. I want you to watch closely.” She flipped her hair, taunting the cap wearing teen.

The masked theme akuma smiled as she moved her hand, as if deciding on who would turn next.

“Now we know who will be last, but who will be next?” Masquerade asked, watching as her bracelet was glowing. The class was a gold mine of akumas. It was not a matter of how, it was a matter of which one.

“You don’t have to do this Lila.” A soft higher pitched voice pleaded.

The class turned their attention the short haired blond with a fondness for pink.

“Rose…” Juleka spoke up in worry.

Masquerade focused her attention on Rose.

“Oh? And why is that?”

“We know you are hurting. We know that you lied to us and did some nasty things… but that doesn’t have to define you!”

Masquerade found herself a bit surprised at the statement.

“If you are willing to stop all of this, we can help you. We can work through all of the things you’ve done. If we can throw a party for Chloé, we can certainly give you another chance.”

Rose stuck out her hand, a soft smile on her face.

Masquerade took a moment to process before speaking.

“Wow… I had no idea you felt this way.”

Rose walked forward.

“See Lila, we can all get along if…”

“You’re so incredibly depressing.”

Rose stopped.

Masquerade’s mouth contorted to a twisted glee. Her charm bracelet glowing brightly as she held her hand up to Rose.

“You always force a smile even when things are downright miserable. You’re terrified of being sad, so you paint this image of a fantasy land filled with stuffed animals and storybook characters. You realize all of the awful things around you yet you simply push it back, push it away as if it can’t harm you if you don’t acknowledge it. You can’t even acknowledge the emotional problems and insecurities of the people you care about because you know you can’t help them even if you did address them, so you give them some encouraging saccharine speech about pushing through, because that’s all you can really do. I have never seen anyone so deep in denial. One day you will wake up and realize that all of that delusional thinking will have pushed everyone away from you as you sit in plushy made prison of your own design.”

Rose felt her lip quiver.

“N-No. That isn’t true. I can …” Rose stumbled over her words.

But before she could say anymore, a mask flung onto her face and Rose shifted into Princess Fragrance, the green skinned perfume super villainess.

“Rose! No!” Juleka cried out.

Masquerade grinned as a perfume bottle charm now adorned her bracelet.

Juleka tried to get the mask off of Rose, but the newly made akuma pushed her aside and jumped to her master’s side.

“Oh, poor Juleka. Don’t worry. I’ll have you join her.”

Masquerade pointed her hand at Juleka.

“Oh wow, social anxiety and a fear of being forgotten. How original. Is that why you dye your hair purple and wear those gaudy clothes? You want to stand out so that you don’t get dismissed like the wallflower you are? Your bad luck with photos really puts a damper on your dreams of modeling. But that’s probably for the best, considering you are constantly overwhelmed. You don’t have the guts to do anything you want, so you just do your best to keep quiet and pray people will still notice and care about you.”

Juleka felt her anger shift to sorrow as she tried to speak up, but sure enough. Masquerade sends another mask out and it makes contact with Juleka.

The purple haired teen shifts into the image replicating akuma, Reflekta. Who after changing moved next to Princess Fragrance. A compact mirror charm appears on Masquerade’s bracelet.

The class couldn’t help but feel the despair in the room. The large drummer tried to keep his small girlfriend behind him as a means to protect her, but unfortunately, Masquerade noticed.

“Oh Ivan, sweet misunderstood Ivan.” Masquerade taunted. “You really think I don’t see what you are trying to do.”

Ivan kept his eyes focused.

“You aren’t turning me into one of your monsters. You already turned my bandmates into them, you aren’t turning me!”

The akuma laughed.

“Monster? I don’t need to turn you into an akuma to do that. The rest of the world already sees you as one.”

Ivan felt a pang in his heart.

“No… no they don’t.”

“Even your own girlfriend is scared of you. You’re a big brute that is loud and bumbling. Ever since your growth spurt, you could see everyone look at you differently, like you were some kind of large freak. But what’s worse is that you’re afraid that everyone else is right. That you a large rage filled monster, undeserving of love.”

“Don’t listen to her. She is lying to you.” Myléne pleaded as she tried to pull her boyfriend out of the quicksand trap of emotion that the akuma was setting up.

“I am not a monster.” Ivan spoke, more to himself than to masquerade.

The akuma capitalized on that moment of weakness and a mask made its way to Ivan, transforming him into his stone giant akuma form, Stoneheart.

Myléne looked in horror of her akumatized boyfriend and took a few steps back. Her fear of remembering this form taking hold.

“Oh, that works too.”

Masquerade flings a mask at Myléne, transforming her into her more monstrous akuma form, Horrificator.

“I was planning on playing on her fears about how she is afraid to face the real world and her insecurities about losing Ivan, but that worked better.”

The two new akuma mindlessly made their way to Masquerade’s side. A piece of paper and a button charm appeared on Masquerade’s bracelet.

The joy the akuma attained from watching her classmates squirm was unnerving. And it was only going to continue.

_______________________________________________________________________

“So, you are certain you left it there Kagami?” a woman with a cane asked sternly.

“Yes mother, I remember I left my text book in the locker room during fencing practice. I was studying between breaks.” Kagami answered. She felt a bit ashamed she had misplaced her book. But was relieved her mother was fine with giving her a ride there to get it. Even if it meant she was late to her lessons.

“This is not an excuse to see anyone, is it?” Her mother questioned.

“No mother, I will be in and out quickly.”

“Very well. I need to make a quick stop at the bank. So be sure to be outside waiting when I come back.”

“Yes mother.”

Kagami got out of the car and the car drove off.

“Well, I could stop by to say hello to my friends if I am quick with getting my book.” Kagami smiled a bit as she was about to make her way into Collège Françoise Dupont.

But before she did, she heard the sound of a bike approaching, she turned to see the cyclist stop short of her.

“Made it.” He said with relief as he took off his helmet to reveal familiar blue dyed hair.

“Luka?”

The cyclist looked and noticed his new fencer friend.

“Kagami? What brings you here? I thought you didn’t go to this school.”

“I don’t, I come here for fencing practice, I left a textbook here and was planning on retrieving it. You don’t go to this school either. So what brings you here?”

“My little sis grabbed the wrong lunch bag, then texted something about an akuma being in the school. I wasn't able to reach her after that. I plan on getting her out and letting the heroes handle the akuma.”

Kagami blinked.

“There is an akuma?”

“Apparently.”

The fencer smiled.

“Alright, let’s get in and try to evacuate everyone. Then I can grab my book.”

Luka looked at the determined girl and smiled. He didn’t even say he would help her. But he knew he would.

“So, what’s the plan?”

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Adrien stared down the Volpina duplicate. He was not going to let it pass him and get to Marinette. He realizes that if he had been the one to run off, he would have been able to transform quick. If this didn’t work out, Ladybug might have to take on Lila solo, and that was something he was worried about. If Ladybug is on her own and she gets overwhelmed, who would be able to protect Paris? He needed to figure a way to give this Faux Fox the slip and fast.

“It would have been better if I snagged both of you, but master will be more than happy with your capture.” The sentimonster smiled as it moved to grab him.

The blond jumped back, but the difference in speed was far too great for him to overcome. And he was quickly pinned against a wall. The sentimonster shifted forms, looking similar to the owl akuma that Adrien was familiar with.

“What the…”

“I am not bound to one form. I can shift my form and access to any akuma’s power set that my master has under her control.”

Adrien realized he was far outmatched. If it came to it, he would need to transform. He wished there was some way out of this mess.

But as if the heavens above heard him, a yo-yo wrapped around the waist of the buff owl.

“What the ...”

The sudden pull from the yo-yo made the sentimonster lose it’s grip on Adrien and get flung to the other wall, dazing it.

“Looks like I made it just in time.” A spotted heroine stated with confidence.

“Ladybug!” Adrien called out in relief.

Ladybug rushed to his side.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m a lot better now.”

Ladybug helped the teen up from the ground.

“Lets’ get you somewhere safe first, handsome boy.”

The blond felt his cheeks turn red at the comment.

The sentimonster managed to get back up, it shifted forms, to a smaller form. One that made ladybug experience a chill go down her spine as she saw the roller blades and familiar helmet.

“Timebreaker… We need to hurry!”

Ladybug started rushing with the teen. With the speed of the akuma, she knew Adrien wouldn’t be fast enough to avoid it on his own. So, she quickly picked him up in her arms as they fled.

“Timebreaker? But isn’t that what Alix turned into when she was akumatized.” Adrien inquired as Ladybug ran down the hallway.

“It means that things are getting a lot more dangerous.” Ladybug answered.  She knew that timebreaker appearing could only mean that Lila has made her way to the classroom, and this was going to be one of the toughest akuma battles yet. She needed to get Adrien to safety and then make her way to the classroom, hopefully save her classmates before they were all turned into her masked servants.

She made a quick movement into the bathroom. Standing at the door, prepared to fight the akuma if it noticed their quick duck into the washroom.

Ladybug listened closely as she heard the sound of skates roll up to the door. Her eyes went wide as she realized the it figured it out.

“You really think you can hide from me!”

The Timebreaker imposter kicked in the door ready to attack, only to see no one was in the room.

“Like I said….”

“You!” Kicked the first stall door open.

“CANT!” The second stall was kicked open.

“HIDE!”  The last one was open, and all of them were empty.

The sentimonster growled in frustration.

“Seems I was mistaken.” The sentimonster grumbles, skating off to find the two.

As the door closes, Ladybug and Adrien sigh in relief. They had taken to hiding over the small statured sentimonster’s line of sight. Ladybug;s yo-yo making for a secure web to hold them up.

Ladybug undid the secure snare and lowered them both to the floor.

“Thanks for the save Ladybug.” The blond smiled. His face a bit red being so close to Ladybug.

‘Easy there Adrien! Remember who you are dating now!’ He mentally told himself.

“N-no problem.” Ladybug smiled sweetly. “Now, you stay hidden and I will take care of this crazy shapeshifter.

“Wait Ladybug!”

Ladybug paused.

“Yes? Is there something…”

“My girlfriend is out there. Well I mean… dating since we didn’t officially say girlfriend and… Look She is out there and that akuma thing is also after her.”

Ladybug’s eyes went wide at that statement.

He called me his girlfriend! Inner marinette screamed. Inside her head, but Ladybug kept her face from showing it. Though a small smile was growing despite herself.

“So the akuma is targeting someone else? Why wasn’t she with you?”

“She went to get help, I was trying to hold off the akuma so she could escape. The akuma was more focused on me thankfully, and you showed up just in time.”

“Oh? And who is the Lucky girl?” Ladybug questioned, a bit bubbly but doing her best to hide it.

“Her name is Marinette, she is around your height and she has these cute …”

“No need for more description, I know her. Well, she is a cute one. Aren’t you lucky?” Ladybug teased a bit.

“I really am.” He smiled sweetly. He remembers that Ladybug did pick Marinette to be a temporary hero, so she should know who she is. Though he isn’t supposed to know that.

Ladybug put a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure your ‘girlfriend’ is safe. I’ll also be sure to tell her you were worried as well. She will be happy to hear that.”

Adrien felt himself in a bit of a bizarre situation, was ladybug helping him by being a wingwoman for him? He couldn’t help but find it a mix of ironic and funny.

Ladybug rushed out of the bathroom, realizing that chat noir was rubbing off on her a bit, teasing Adrien like that.

“He called me his girlfriend.” She smiled as she thought this to herself. Though she knew the task at hand was important and would dwell on this happiness much later.

Adrien watched as she ran off, feeling a bit flustered.

“Really needed to let her know you were off the market now.” A voice from his pocket teased.

“I panicked.” Adrien felt his face flush.

“Seemed Ladybug was happy for you. That’s good.” The cat kwami popped out of his pocket. Hiding the fact, he knew a lot more than he let on.

“We do have more important things to worry about. We have an akuma and sentimonster to stop. “

Adrien punched his fist out.

“Plagg. Claws out!”

_____________________________________________________________________________

Masquerade laughed, loving how she was turning everything back on her classmates.

When something smacked into her head.

“Ugh!” She grunted as she grabbed the metal object that flung into her.

“What the hell?!” Masquerade’s eyes focused to see it was Max’s ai companion, Markov that head-butted her.

“Your actions have far exceeded what is acceptable.” The robot responded.

“Markov get away from her. She will akumatize you!” Max called out in worry.

“Akumatize the toaster? How could I akumatize…” Masquerade muttered until she noticed her bracelet glowing.

“Oh, you have got to be f***ing kidding me. You akumatized a sentient rice cooker but not Marinette?! The f*** hawkmoth!?”

“I will have you know that I am an advanced artificial intelligence.”

“And you despise that.” Masquerade points out.

“Quite the contrary, I find my intellect exhilarating.”

“But you already calculated it, the two logical conclusions. That you will either become obsolete and be tossed out for a newer model, or you will advance and grow until you outlive Max.”

Markov paused. He could not come up with a response. The robot felt stumped byt the statement.

“Too easy.”

“Markov!’ Max cried out as a mask landed over his visual face plate. Shifting him into his angry red coated akuma form, Robostus.

Max moved to get to his robot. But Kim held him back.

“It’s too late man.”

Max growled at the akuma.

“Damn it Lila, why are you doing this? You must know that Ladybug and Chat noir will arrive ready to stop you. The chances of you beating them are 0%.”

Masquerade lifted her hand as her bracelet began glowing again.

“Oh. smarty pants Max, the one with all the formulas and the data. You have to be the smartest one in the room or else you have nothing.”

“I know what you are trying to do. It won’t work.”

“Out of everyone here, you have the biggest inferiority complex. Your need to be the best at what your ‘good’ at. Robotics, video games, data analysis, and of course, calculations. You need to show to everyone how smart and skilled you are, because the moment you don’t, they realize there is no personality underneath.”

Max tried to focus on not letting the words get to him, but Masquerade knew exactly what to say to cut him down.

“Go on Max, tell them how to ‘Beat’ my power. Or do you not know?”

Max felt his lip quiver, he couldn’t stay strong. He didn’t know how to beat it. He could feel the horror of not knowing slip into his mind. She had nailed his insecurities like an expert marksman.

“I thought so.”

A mask flew and smacked onto Max’s face. He dropped to the floor only to get up in a black and green spandex suit, His akumatized form, The Gamer.

A game controller charm appeared on her bracelet.

A sudden squeak caught her attention.

Masquerade turned her head to see an orange haired girl trying to sneak away.

“Sabrina, I had forgotten you were here. Just like everyone else usually does.”

Masquerade was about to really lay into her, but a book out of nowhere smacked her in the face.

It was the athletic dare maker himself, Kim.

“I am done sitting around and letting you turn everyone into masked zombies.” Kim exclaimed.

Nino felt himself zone back in as Kim called it out. Now was not the time to lose his head. He needed to focus. Masquerade didn’t mention Adrien, so maybe his best bro was still out there. Maybe they can get to the heroes and have them fix this. But first, he needed to escape.

“Kim’s right. We won’t let you turn anyone else anymore. Sabrina get help!” Nino exclaimed.

“Like she is going to… HEY!”

A waste basket covered the villainess as she stumbled back, with the basket stuck to her head. While she had been too busy gloating, she had failed to notice the tomato haired artist sneak behind her and the mindless akuma line up. He had slammed it on as hard as he could to ensure it was difficult to remove.

“Let’s Go!” Nino announced as the rest of the class rushed to the door. Time breaker being the only one actively ordered prepared to stop them.

“Don’t let her touch you.” Sabrina spoke as they tried to figure.

Kim grabbed a chair and used it like a make shift battering ram in order to keep Timebreaker at a distance, but the akuma reacted quickly by pulling the chair away and kicking the teen in the gut with her roller blade. Sending him flying back into the other teens.

“Ugh! That really was gross!” Masquerade retched as she pulled the waste bucket off her head.

“Well, I hope you enjoyed your little escape attempt. Because you won’t get another chance.”

Masquerade pointed at Kim.

“Since you started this little thing. I will change you next.”

Kim looked at the Akuma with a smile.

“Good luck with that. You don’t have anything that could make me feel gloomy.”

Masquerade’s bracelet started glowing again. She was clearly ready to speak, but stopped herself.

“… Wait.. THAT’s your biggest insecurity?”

“I don’t have an insecurity.”

“You are afraid everyone will realize you’re not smart.”

“What? No, I am not. I am plenty smart. I watch the Alternate Truth all the time.”

“Everyone already knows you’re an idiot.”

Kim looked at the akuma with shock.

“That’s not true! People do think I’m smart. Chloé has called me ‘Genius’ multiple times.”

Masquerade didn’t know how to respond to this.

“I… do you not know what sarcasm is?”

“Of course, I do.” Kim lied.

“Just … just wear the mask you moron.”

Masquerade sends a mask to attach to Kim.

The swimmer did his best to resist but felt himself succumb to the mask and become the dark winged akuma, Dark Cupid. He joined the rest of the akuma in the lineup, and a bow and arrow charm appeared on Masquerade’s charm bracelet.

“I actually feel dumber because of those last few minutes. Okay next one.”

Masquerade points at the Artist.

“Let’s bring the mood back with you Nathaniel, what is your biggest insecurity?”

“Listen Lila, there is still a chance to stop what you’re doing.”

“You’re afraid of opening yourself up to others. That’s the reason you didn’t want to join Soulmate searcher despite Marc’s insistence. You were afraid of putting out all that information on yourself and seeing that you and Marc aren’t meant for each other. You can only express yourself with art. And you know that it’s only a matter of time before he realizes your issues and leaves.”

Nathaniel wanted to dispute the statement, but felt his words die in his mouth.

“Such a pity Nathaniel, I’ll make sure to go after him once we are done here.”

“No! Don’t you…”

Nathaniel tried to say more, but a mask latching onto his face interrupted him.

The artist transformed into his heroic yet villainess akuma form, Evillustrator. Just like the others, the recent akuma joined the line.

A tablet pen charm appeared on Masquerade’s bracelet.

“And next up is Sabrina. I was interrupted earlier. But don’t worry. I have everything I need to get you.”

Sabrina tried to put on a brave face and covering her ears.

“Oh, you think It won’t work if you cant hear me.”

Masquerade’s bracelet glows.

“You don’t get it Sabrina, I am not just saying mean words, I am reading your greatest insecurities. And I am projecting them out.”

Sabrina could hear Masquerade’s words, as if they were in her mind. She couldn’t escape them. Her hands dropped.

“Very good. You learned how futile it is. It’s rare that you have someone’s attention like this. You always never stood out much, but you never minded that, your biggest insecurity is that no one will want to spend time with you. That’s why even with Chloé being mean and nasty, you like the fact that someone is willing to talk to you. You would accept humiliation and embarrassment over being alone. It’s truly pathetic.”

Sabrina felt tear stream down her face.

“Sabrina don’t let her get to you…”

“Im sorry. I don’t want to be alone.”

The mask flew onto Sabrina’s face. But something happened. She wasn’t changing right away.

“What’s this?” Masquerade commented.

“It seems you have more than one akumatizable form? Alya had something similar, but I was ‘missing something’ to access the other one so I didn’t bother with that. But this is different.”

Masquerade felt a malicious glee take hold.

“Why not give you both.”

Nino watched as the masked Sabrina shifted into a costume that looked familiar to him. The power stealing Miracular.

But suddenly, she vanished from his sight. Only to then appear with the other akuma.

“Invisibility and power stealing. Sabrina you maybe my favorite servant yet.” Masquerade exclaimed. Two charms appeared on Masquerade’s bracelet, vanishing cream and a tonfa.

Nino took a look at the line up of akuma.

“Dude… this is so not cool.”

Masquerade started to walk towards the DJ with a confident stride, stopping short, looking down at him. An aura of malice emanating from her presence.

“Don’t worry Nino. You’ll be joining them.”

_______________________________________________________________________

(End of Chapter)

So all the pieces are coming together. Will Nathalie be okay in a school filled with akuma? Will Ladybug and Chat noir be able to fight the army of akumatized classmates that Masquerade has been building? Will Kagami be able to get her text book. Will Kim learn that everyone loves him because he is a himbo? Find out by staying tuned. 

Thanks for reading and be sure to comment if you want to see the next part. I am an author and live off validation.

[iwaisuke]

confessions; but not remembering it

ft. kita shinsuke, sakusa kiyoomi x sick fem!reader

genre: fluff

masterlist

a/n: this has been sitting in my drafts for a while and then i rushed bc i was getting tired 🙃 also. sakusa's is a little ooc. sorry ab that

-» ˚⸙͎۪۫⋆

» the clean yet musty smell of rain filled the gym as the boys practiced. it was a surprisingly humid and rainy spring day today here in the country side of hyogo

» "achoo" you had been sneezing and coughing all day. you also had a terrible headache but took some medicine to see if it would help. the spring allergies really getting to you

» you didnt reay have the time to be worrying about yourself. As a 2nd year manager of the inarizaki team, (recommend by suna) and the boys working so hard practicing for nationals there was no way you'd let this little cold get in the way. you had to work just as hard as everyone else!

» "hold on, im about to hang up your jerseys to dry"

» "i got you guys some fresh towels!"

» "i can run and grab that coach. im headed that way anyways"

» the coach called for a short break to rest up for a bit. everyone was sore and exhausted from practicing every day. "here. i filled your water bottles up!" handing them to all the boys. "y/n you're all wet" akagi sounded concerned.

» "hm? oh its alright. I'll dry off in a minute. i took the shortcut to the drinking fountain to refill your waterbottles instead of taking the long way" you nonchalantly said. "so you ran through the rain like an idiot?" suna threw a clean towel over your damp hair and ruffled it. "suna!! stop!! you're gonna ruin my hair"

» "like i said. its alright" you reassured the boys.

» kita, on the other hand had noticed your fatigue. although he wasnt as perceptive on peoples feeling and thoughts as well as others, he could easily pick up signs like yours. he admired you dearly for how hard you always work for the team. how you willingly did anything to make them smile. how you always put others first before yours. needless to say, he had a bit of a crush on you.

» "l/n san. i think you should take a break too. there's no need for you to be running around for us while we're resting" kita assured you. "i still have a few things left on my list to do.. but afterwards I'll take a break!" kita let out a sigh. you were stubborn sometimes and kita knew you were the kind of person to not stop until you're finished.

» "I'll be right back. i gotta grab the laundry"

» making an excuse to leave, your heart was beating fast. you knew kita's words were the kind he'd say to anyone, but it made your heart feel fuzzy when he'd look out for you.

» the stone cold captain who you thought he was, actually was so kind. he was just a little awkward like you, and a little blunt with what he said sometimes. but you learned the great qualities he carries and how much he actually cares about others well being. he was a hard worker and you couldnt help but absentmindedly fall for the captain.

» running up the stairs to the second floor of the gym, you felt a shift in your step. head becoming dizzier than it was just 5 minutes ago. legs trembling, you started falling before feeling a presence behind.

» kita's arm wrapped around your waist, supporting you in efforts to not letting you fall over. "i told you to rest l/n san" kita said sternly. "you wont benefit anyone if you keep overworking like this."

» you knew kita was right, but you really didnt want to rest knowing you'll be letting the team down by not working hard.

» "i promise I'll rest as soon as im done with this one thing" pleading with kita. he let out a sigh, knowing you really wouldnt until you did finish so he allowed you to do so.

» finishing grabbing all of the dry jerseys and bringing them downstairs to pass out to everyone, you didnt really notice atsumu and osamu spiking volleyballs at each other until aran yelled

» "y/n! watch out!" honestly, you were too tired to move out of the way so you figured, it do be like that sometimes, and allowed the ball to hit you.

» or... so you had planned the ball to hit you.

» kita stood in front, blocking the impact of the spike that you had prepared yourself for. there was agitation in kita's eyes. more than you usually noticed when then twins were miss behaving. concern washing over, he looked you straight in the eyes

» "... is there something wrong kita san?" lifting up his hand to your forehead, he let out a sigh. "why didnt you tell me earlier you had a fever", then walking over to the coach meanwhile atsumu and osamu come over to apologise for being reckless.

» "get your stuff. we're going home" kita said bluntly.

» "huh? but practice is-"

» "please l/n san. for me"

» kita would only take yes for an answer this time. no if's ands or buts. so here you were, walking home with kita. only the sound of raindrops hitting your shared umbrella being heard.

» muscles starting to ache a little more and your legs becoming more tired than they were when you left the gym, you began to walk a little slower every step

» "get on my back l/n" "its ok kita san, i can walk. its already enough that you're walking me home" "i didnt ask if you wanted to. im telling you to"

» you couldnt tell if it was the fever that made your face warmer or if it was kita's words. nonetheless, you got on kita's back. he was a lot stronger than he looked and you couldnt help but stifen at being so close to your own crush like this.

» "relax. I'll make sure you get home." he reassured. you leaned into his back, warmth seeping in, your eyes began to feel heavy.

» "kita san" "yes?" "thank you for always watching out for me"

» a comfortable silence was met as the sound of rain filled your ears.

» "kita san" "hm?" "did you know..." your voice softened "i like you a lot kita san"

» did he hear you correctly? if he wasnt paying attention he wouldve missed what you had said, being drowed out through the pitter patter of water. now his heart thumping louder than ever before.

» "l/n san-" he was about to go on but was met with the gentle rise and fall of your chest and the soft snores of you on his back, knocked out from exertion. kita let out a light chuckle, finally relieved you were resting.

» you had missed the next day of school, but when you came back the whole volleyball team bombarded you with love.

» "WE'RE A FAILURE TO NOT NOTICE YOU FEELING SICK" atsumu cried. "how could we let our one and only precious manager get ill for taking care of us" akagi, clearly dissapointed in himself. "please let us know when we can take care of you too y/n" aran said.

» "its no big deal. really!" waving your hands in defense. "it was just a small cold. but i do have a question though"

» all the boys gathered around to hear what you had to say

» "how did i get home?? i really dont remember what happened after i almost got hit by atsumu"

» it shocked the guys honestly. you genuinely didnt remember a single thing due to your fever. "wait? you don't remember kita taking you home?" suna replied, your face becoming red. "k-kita san took me home-?" "yah. he left in the middle of practice to do so" osamu added.

» immediately, you got up to find the captain that apparently took you home the other day. he was in the storage closet cleaning and grabbing the equipment for todays practice.

» "kita san" "oh. l/n. glad you're feeling better" his smile brightened the musty closet. "about that, im sorry for troubling you and having you take me home the other day. i honestly dont remember what happened after i almost got hit by atsumu. my mind was really fuzzy that day, but im truly thankful for you going out of your way for me. it really means a lot"

» kita was dumbfounded. you really dont remember? "no need to apologize l/n. it was my responsibility as a captain. and afterall, what good would i be if i couldnt even take care of the person who means the most to me"

» your heart raced. 'person who means the most to me' ? cheeks blushing a rosy pink, you were internally thanking the musty store room from being dim.

» with arms full of equipment, kita walked by you and stopped.

» "by the way l/n san. did you know?"

» ears perking up at the vague yet familiar line

» "i like you a lot too l/n san"

» now we all know sakusa HATES germs and for the past week and a half, he's been telling you to keep up with washing your hands, wearing a mask at all times even when you eat omi it doesnt work like that. pls especially since you are prone to getting sick easily no matter how hygenic you are. your immune system just hated you. PERIODT

» you remembered sakusa scolding you for running out of hand sanitizer and then the next day you were out of commission. bed ridden with laryngitis, cough, slight fever, the whole works. it was like your body was making fun of you or something

» you texted komori, asking him to take notes in class for you and relay homework information while you were at home resting up. but there was one request you had and made komori PROMISE.

» DO NOT TELL SAKUSA YOU GOT SICK

» "he's probably gonna notice your absence y/n. he'll find out about it either way"

» "well if you dont tell him then he wont know. its not like he even cares about where i am like that"

» "thats what you might think. but i know he's gonna say something i can garuntee it"

» the next day at school, sakusa did notice your presence missing. it was quieter not having a 3rd person in the group of friends. not having you around to talk to him when komori was gone.

» pulling out his phone to text you, he asked where you were that day.

» "on a family trip :D !!! forgot to tell you, but I'll tell you all about it when i come back!" you wrote, attaching an old selfie of a different trip you went on to make it more believable.

» you had hoped this silly cold would get better in a day, but soon that day turned into 2 and then 3 and then 4... you pretty much missed the whole week of school at that point

» Friday rolled around and komori was on his phone all day. sakusa noticed his cousin fidget in his chair more than usual and it irked him to see him like that

» "what's with you today?" one eye raised, sakusa finally asked. "uhhh nothing really" komori wasnt very good at keeping secrets lets just start off with that, but he was trying his best.

» "well clearly somethings wrong. you're fidgeting." "well haven't you noticed somethings been different all week?" komori hinted

» sakusa sat there in thought. nothing's been different? he ate the same breakfast he usually does every morning. all his studies have been well. there were no tests this week so there was no reason to be anxious like komori was and even if there was, he would've done well anyways.

» "just tell me what it is." sakusa was starting to get annoyed. "y/n..." komori started. "y/n?" "do you know where she's been this week?"

» did you not tell komori about your family trip? you usually told komori everything, but then again you didn't tell him either until he asked you about it.

» "she said shes on a trip?" he nonchalantly said. komori's eyes started watering. "A TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL THATS WHAT IT IS" he blurted out. komori didnt mean to let it slip , he was just so worried about your well being.

» "hospital?? what are you talking about. did she get injured on her trip?" "no omi. shes been sick all week and her mom just texted me saying she went to the hospital today because shes had a fever for 3 days straight. there is no family trip"

» sakusa's heart shattered. you were sick and didnt even tell him?

» before both he and komori knew it, his legs were running faster to get to the hospital than he had ever imagined he could ever run.

» and there you were. fast asleep in a bed with an IV drip. your face flushed, forehead sweaty and shallow breaths escaping your chapped lips. you were a hot mess but sakusa didnt care. stepping to your bedside to greet your mother she explained to him that she had to go to work and asked if he could watch over you until she gets back.

» sakusa said yes without even hearing the whole thing. his heart and mind saying yes to whatever it took to get you to feel better.

» gosh how he hated hospitals, but what he hated even more was the fact that you were in the hospital and he didnt even know.

» the doctor came in for their evening round and ensured sakusa that you were indeed getting better! your fever had broken not too long ago and your body was working extra hard to heal itself up!

» "is there anything i can do to help?" sakusa asked. he felt helpless in this situation just watching your face distort in uncomfort every now and then, and coughing your lungs out.

» patting sakusa's shoulder, the doctor told him that just being here for you is enough. "you gotta be a strong boyfriend for her alright son? she'll be able to go home tomorrow first thing in the morning if her fever doesnt come back"

» sakusa slumped in his chair at your bedside, the doctors words ringing through his head. 'boyfriend huh?' he thought to himself. "if i was her boyfriend..." he whispered to himself, "i would be a failure for not even knowing my girl was sick..."

» to kiyoomi, you were beautiful. even now in this sad state you were in. deep down he locked these growing feelings he had for you inside of him because he always felt like you were a better match with someone else and after this stunt you pulled of lying to him about going on a family trip, it only made him feel worse.

» it was now night time and you finally began to stir in your sleep, the fever finally gone. sakusa reached out to move some hair that was stuck to your face, fingers tracing the outline of your jaw. your eyes slowly opened and met with his dark orbs.

» "y/n?" "saku- wait this is just a dream. omi wouldn't be here. he hates hospitals" you let out a forced laugh and then a sigh through your sore throat.

» you reached out to sakusa's hands that were resting on the side of your bed. "omi would never let me hold his hand because he'd say im passing germs to him so hopefully dream omi wont be the same" you were aimlessly talking to yourself, not even realizing that this really wasnt a dream.

» he squeezed your hand in return. hoping that you wouldnt let go any time soon. a funny smile appeared on your face just at the thought of him. "even if you're stupid for not realizing how much i like you... i cant wait to see you again omi" you whispered before falling asleep again.

» sakusa didnt know what to do. he sat there frozen in his chair. it was his first time hearing you call him omi. heck. you literally just confessed to the boy. his brain was running wild. groaning in distress he let go of your hand to step out for a breath of fresh air now that you were back asleep.

» it was 5am and your mother came back to the hospital and thanked sakusa for staying by your side. He left in a hurry to make sure you didnt see him there.

» Monday rolled around and sakusa was waiting outside of the school gates for you. he had planned on asking you about your "trip"

» "good morning sakusa!!" your bright and cheery voice rang through his ears. honestly he was trembling inside. the memory of you confessing to him still fresh in his mind.

» "how was your trip?" you stopped dead in your tracks. "haha... it was good !! sorry i forgot to get you a souvenir" you were trying to play it cool but sakusa could tell you were forcing yourself. "i wouldnt want a souvenir from where you came from so its fine" sakusa's words threw you off. "i - im not sure im understanding what you're saying sakusa?"

» you felt a tug on your hand. "dont you mean omi?" his voice husky as he whispered into your ear. cheeks flushed, your brain felt like it short circuted. you've always tried your hardest to not let it slip that you want to call him omi since he hated when people called him that.

» sakusa smirked at your cute reaction he got out of you. letting go of your hand he began to walk into the school leaving you at the gate dumbfounded. "and by the way. you're just as stupid for not realizing how long ive liked you too"

-» ˚⸙͎۪۫⋆

thank you for your order! enjoy~!

[shurisneakers]

shut in [9]

Summary: When your high profile mission goes terribly wrong, you’re forced to hide in a safehouse with a man you’ve never met before. With seemingly nowhere else to go, you’re forced to work together to figure out who is trying to have you assassinated before it’s too late. (Sam Wilson x Reader, Hitman AU)

Warnings: cursing, anxiety, ptsd, shooting

Word count: 2.8k

A/N: ok ok ok ok sam deserves the world and im mad that he’s not getting it

i also appreciate feedback so if you would like to, please consider dropping me an ask or comment ly guys!!

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Shut In Masterlist

He was gone.

10:00am

Time had begun to slip past you. Days where you were forced to wake up at 4am were just a dreary memory you didn’t want to revisit. The rough shoves in the morning to have you awake enough to be in training by 4:30am only fell into the category of things you had forgotten over the time you had stayed here.

Maybe sleep wasn’t a luxury you weren’t allowed to afford.

10:30am

By the time you step into the kitchen, the loose structure of the day you had ahead of you was forming. Maybe if you revisited the small makeshift shooting range you had set up for Sam and you to practice. A couple of old soup cans, a flat boulder for them to sit on and you were good to go. He had allowed you to use his giant board for knife throwing too, laughed when you asked for permission before saying it was for the both of you. 

You made a sandwich for yourself, forcing it down your throat with water. Bread was starting to feel like cardboard and the jam just tasted like nothing. Peanut butter was even worse.

Losing appetite wasn’t an option, even though it had eroded a while ago. The best option was to just scarf it down with water. 

11:00am

Sam isn’t in the house, you had deduced. A morning run or maybe just some fresh air.

You checked for the notes he sometimes left for you when he went out. Something along the lines of when he’d be back, or why he’d left, or where you could find him. 

You looked on top of the fridge where he generally left them; someplace he knew you’d see. You didn’t find one.

You shrugged it off. 

Something felt wrong about the arrangement of the kitchen but you couldn’t place a finger on what it was. All the chairs were in its place, trash appropriately in the bin, no bowls were left from soup day in the sink to wash. 

The origami swan you had made still rested next to his paper airplane. Nothing seemed wrong or out of place. 

You pushed yourself to shake off the nerves, to get dressed instead. The shooting range was waiting for you.

12:45pm

When you shoot for thirty and get all thirty, it tends to get a little boring. Not that you were complaining; if even one was off you’d spend the whole day trying to make up for it.

Violent hobbies weren’t ideal. They weren’t even hobbies per se. Just skills you needed to keep sharp if you wanted to survive.

You even shot at the targets that you had hung up on the trees. Dangerous and completely Sam’s idea. Said the wind made them act like moving targets. Nevermind the possibility of a ricochet.

The target board was empty too. Admittedly, knife throwing was a little harder  to get used than shooting to but it still only took a few tries before you were hitting bullseye over and over again.

There just wasn’t anything to do. And you realised it had been this way for a while but you never noticed due to his lively chatter or how competitive it got with stupid games you were making up as you went. 

1:00pm

You learned against the counter as you ate, eyeing the room, trying to figure out what you had misplaced. The air was cold, even more so after the shower, so you threw on an extra t-shirt to aid you.

You made a noise of disapproval when you couldn’t find what was wrong. A quick wash of your hands before you made your way to the TV, fully intending to doze off while watching Megamind for the fourth time. 

You passed by the mini fridge on the way, noting how you needed to restock the ice cubes when you suddenly stopped in your path.

Your eyes peeled back to the small paper bowl Sam had crafted expertly that was still somehow managing to stick together. But that was what was wrong.

The keys were missing.

The fucking car keys and the pocket change you had taken from Pierce’s house were no longer there. 

Your body moved on autopilot, dragging you towards the front door. You yanked it open, door creaking under the pressure you applied on it.

Your heart sank. 

The car was gone.

1:20pm

You had all the possibilities listed out in front of you with the rest scratched out after you had rationalised it.

Someone had come in and taken the car, which wasn’t likely. 

Sam had stepped out but hadn’t mentioned it to you. If he did, why would he need the car?

Someone had abducted Sam, which was absurd on paper but still left a twinge of uncertainty because you couldn’t definitively rule it out. 

He had just left. Decided he was done and left. 

You stared at the last option. 

“Fuck,” you cursed.

You could feel his muscle shift as he looked at you. 

“What’s wrong?” 

You opened your mouth but shut it again. How do you explain it to him without sounding utterly ridiculous?

You wondered if it was that conversation. 

He wouldn’t leave after you told him, would he?

You hesitated before shaking your head.

He’d come back. He would.

1:45pm 

You had added a few more possibilities to the list but discarded it almost immediately.

You now found a place in front of the TV, watching but not registering what was said. Your fingers kept itself busy by playing with the hem of your shirt. You had thrown another one on since his jacket was missing with the rest of him. It had gotten colder.

The woman droned on about how much her husband loved the recipe she was making. It was Sam’s favourite segment, not because it was particularly fantastic or anything, but because it gave him forty five minutes of free content to trash talk.

Your eyes kept glancing up at the clock. Was it broken or was time much slower than you initially thought?

You almost felt like you were in a cognitive dysfunction; you couldn’t do anything other than while away time till you figured out what had gone wrong. 

2:00pm

If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t have heard the soft crunch of twigs. The whirring of the wheels as it turned gently only made you sit up straight, hands on the gun that rested on the couch beside you.

It came to a stop. The gun was fully in your grip now, TV turned off to determine what the noises were.

It was the most agonisingly slow minute you spent listening as the car opened and shut, muffled by the distance. You were near the door, using the adjoining wall as a hideaway. 

The doorknob shook as someone tried to push their way in. 

“Sam?” you called out cautiously against your better judgement, mentally cringing. 

It took a second for his reply to return. 

“Hey, sweetheart. Let me in, will you? Stupid door’s not opening.”

Of course it wouldn’t. It was fingerprint activated.

Relief flooded your system, letting yourself hold the gun with only one hand as you hastily made your way to open the door.

However, you paused. As much as you wanted to fling the door open blindly, you waited, hand on the knob.

“Is someone out there with you?”

“What?” he sounded confused. “No, it’s just me.”

You opened the door slightly, peeking out through the sliver of open space. 

Sure enough, it was only him. The car was returned to the same spot that it was.

“Where were you?” You yanked the door open. You sounded way more aggressive than you planned to, you were sure. It didn’t matter though.

“Went to the store,” he said nonchalantly, stepping inside, and dropping the keys back where they were.

“What?” 

He was so relaxed about it, like it was nothing. It only irked you further than you already were.

“Drove the car till the highway, walked into town and went to the store.” He set the bag down. “What’d you do all day?”

“You went to the town,” you emphasised. “To the fucking store.”

“Yeah, I figured you would be up by the time I came back.”

“You were gone for hours.” You crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to yell. You could talk it out calmly. You didn’t have to snap

You hoped he had a good reason. You sincerely hoped, for his well being and security, that he risked his life to go to public space.

“We’re way further out than you think. Nearest dollar store’s almost the next fuckin’ state if you’re walking. Had to ditch the car because it’s a little too flashy, even for me.” He lifted up the bag next to him. “Got us some ramen. And juice. That’s all we had cash for anyway.”

You stare at him, mouth slightly agape. 

“You could have been seen, Sam,” your tone was corrosive, the next best you could do instead of yelling. “For all we know, you could have been followed.”

“No one followed me. I made sure.”

That did nothing to alleviate the anxiety that was crawling into your head. 

“You’re ridiculous,” you muttered. “Fucking ridiculous.”

“Where are you going?” You ignored him, turning on your heel and walking to the bedroom. You didn’t care if it was his day that day. He could rot in the kitchen with his stupid ramen for all you cared.

You cursed as you slammed the door behind you, launching yourself onto the bed. 

There was no denying you were relieved that he was still alive and here. But fuck him. Fucking dickhead. 

Fucking juice.

You spent the next couple of hours feeling absolutely embarrassed for yourself. Why did you spend hours worrying if he was safe when he was out there, gallivanting in public for some stupid noodles?

Both of you could have been absolutely fucked if he wasn’t careful. He may have just jeopardised your entire set up.

But deep down, no matter how much it was annoying to acknowledge, you knew he wouldn’t have. He was smart, strategic. 

Why would he do something like this?

How much you were worried scared you. There was no time where it had occurred that maybe you were in danger too. Every possibility you came up with only pushed the thought of him possibly in trouble further into your head. 

But the more you spend time overthinking, the more you realised that him being in danger wasn’t the entire cause of your worry. 

What if he didn’t come back? Why’d he come back? 

He had the means to leave, the will to and clearly was able to go undetected for a while. He didn’t need to return, but he did. 

And for what; to give you some food he bought from the dollar store. 

He seemed excited about it too, before you had closed the door on his face and decided to spend the next few hours self-destructing.

Fucking ramen.

Maybe if you could just lie there until you decomposed, then you wouldn’t have to have a conversation with him about this. That’s what you would have done a couple of months ago. 

But now the idea of communicating had been implanted and implemented several times before. It didn’t feel right to push it away, not when you’d come so far. A chance to heal.

You groaned, shoving a pillow onto your face before getting up grumpily. 

Fuck this man and his stupid, healthy methods of coping. 

___

You opened the door slowly, creeping into the hallway to assess what he was doing. It had been a few hours of silence in the house. He had given you space, not come knocking on the door to explain himself. 

You took note of the kitchen. The table had been laid with two bowls of noodles covered with a plate along with a glass each of juice. It was domestic. Cute.

He was watching Die Hard but the volume was turned down low. If he was anything like you, he wouldn’t have been paying too much attention.

You cleared your throat awkwardly to grab his attention.

His neck craned to look at you, surprise flashing across his face for a second before he leapt up, turning off the TV in an instant.

“Y/N,” he stated as normally as he could.

“Samuel,” your tone was steady. 

He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Wasn’t sure if you were gonna show up.” 

“Neither was I.” You looked at the table, gesturing towards it with your shoulder. “Watchu got there, Gordon Ramsey?”

Because screw him, but the longer you stood there staring at the bowl, you were starting to understand the lengths he went to to get something other than bread, peanut butter and soup. As much as the prospect of being petty thrilled you, you had survived on nothing but them for the past few weeks.

“Got a few packs of ramen and a gallon of juice from the store. Thought you- we deserve somethin’ nice.” You noticed his quick coverup but didn’t acknowledge it. “It’s not Michelin star worthy, but it’ll do.”

You nodded, avoiding looking at him.

“I-”

“Hey-”

Both of you started at the same time, only to be cut off by the other. You mentioned for him to continue.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I should have told you before I left,” You didn’t expect the sincerity that exuded from every word he let out and you found yourself unable to look away. “I’m not used to people worrying about where I go... but things are different now. I won’t do it again.”

You weren’t used to the feeling of lightness that accompanied an apology. Relief. 

“Thank you,” you said breathily. His face noticeably brightened. “But why’d you come back?”

His small smile left as soon as it came, as his face fell into a frown. “What?”

“You could have just left. You had the car, the-” you stopped yourself from listing out reasons why he should have. “Why’d you come back?”

He looked completely confused. 

“Because I wanted to,” he voiced. “Leaving you behind was never an option. I wouldn’t-”

He trailed off, eyes never leaving yours. 

“You’re stuck with me,” he urged softly. “We’re a team.”

You lingered on him longer than you wanted to admit. He wasn’t lying, you had realised. 

“Care to join me for dinner?” he asked, extending a hand to you.

You rolled your eyes but took it, feeling the heat creep up your neck. He smirked at you and fuck, he was frustratingly cute. 

You understood. You totally understood when you nearly died at the first bite you took, vowing to never take food like this for granted again. It may have been the absolute bare minimum; just the seasoning and noodles he had cooked in the microwave, but it was the best goddamn meal you ever had.

“Good, right?” He looked about as content as he could be. 

“Best fuckin’ day of my life.”

He kidded around some more. You choked out a laugh at some, wholly ignored the others to which he took complete offence. You saw it as a way to humble him.

This was the normalcy you had crushed your craving for so long ago, accepting that it wouldn’t ever happen. A normal dinner with someone who made you smile, no impending doom lurking around the corner and maybe a shot at a glimmer of something happy. 

It was strange that you found it with another hitman in a safe house, hiding from authorities and who knows what else, with food worth a couple of cents. You wouldn’t want it any other way.

Yet there were things that had to be discussed. Conversations that needed to happen.

“Sam, we need to talk about it.” You didn’t have to explain, he knew what you were talking about.

“What’s wrong?” 

“I need to tell you something and I need you to hear me out before saying anything,” you pulled away from him, shuddering at the sudden cold that enveloped you. 

“I’m listening.”

“We do,” he agreed, and you could feel the atmosphere in the room begin to shift. “But we don’t have to do it now.”

He reached across from where he was sitting, hesitantly interlacing your fingers. The sense of fluster you experienced wasn’t healthy, you decided.

You just ducked your head, fighting against the damn smile that was trying to make its way onto your face. You didn’t pull away.

“Okay.”

Next part

[silkylious]

Limbo (Bakugo Katsuki x Fem!Reader)

Pairing: bakugo katsuki x female reader warnings: heavy angst, eventual tiny bit of fluff at the end

omf this request is so nice i feel so bad that my writing is literally garbage in this, but thank you sm for requesting this!! <3 and im so sorry if i didn’t do your request justice (i legit hate my writing here :’))

To say the state of your relationship was unbearable would be the euphemism of the century.

Your thoughts often ran amuck, always hopelessly crawling back to that one despaired curiosity; wondering if he shared the same sentiment about your wishy-washy “friends” status as you did. He probably didn’t. That’s the seemingly unshakable brick wall that would inevitably dead-end your lovesick daydreams, each and every time. Though when his roughed-up hands linger on your skin a millisecond too long, when his steeled stare melts, hard rubies morphing into blazing lava pits, threatening to mar your very heart and soul with their scorching intensity –you’re not exactly certain you’d mind that– that’s when a flicker of something ignites within you. Hope, longing, doubt. Whatever it is, it terrifies you. Because you’re agonizingly aware of what that entails. He’s got you hook, line and sinker, but torturously he refuses to do anything with that. Almost like pulling someone in for a hug then abruptly and without explanation stopping midway, he keeps you at arm’s length. Not too far, not too close. And how that cycle destroyed you.

Katsuki was the type to jump into action and ask questions later. Except a lot of the times when these questions pertain to his own emotions, he didn’t even try to answer them, opting to shove them to the corners of his psyche, collecting dust, steadily accumulating until they become too much to ignore and he (sometimes quite literally) explodes. It’s a vicious loop that he could never break away from, he’d even come to find a sordid comfort in it. His coping mechanism was by no means healthy, far from it, but he’d grown familiar to the toxicity.

Katsuki couldn’t make heads nor tails of his feelings for you. Whenever he impulsively threw himself into the lion’s den that was your affection, caught in the moment, in the glimmer of genuine adoration in your eyes, he never came back the same. A piece of his heart would irreversibly split off and reside in the palm of your hand, he was scared that nothing would be left of it, that he wouldn’t be able to regain his bearings until it was too late. You so effortlessly juggled with his feelings, all with a single smile, it scared him that you had so much power over the fluttery sensation in his chest and yet, in the moment, it felt good. It felt so good to indulge in whatever fucky feeling was messing with his head, to let you hold him in the depths of obscurity with all prying eyes shut and what little words exchanged hushed. It felt so alleviating to feel skin on his own (for once not in battle), gentle, comforting but not coddling. It was unspoken between you that you were both more than friends. You knew it, he knew it. Neither of you ever mentioned it. What neither of you knew, however, was how far the other’s feelings ran.

But as high as your silent love made him feel, he crashed back down into the concrete when he was left to his own devices. Without your intoxicating scent, distracting touches fogging his rationality, Katsuki had all the time in the world to overthink. And overthink he did. His pride picked apart the delicate flowering in his heart, ripping it petal by petal until nothing was left but a garden of beautifully withered leaves, a condemnation to what he considered a weakness.

Katsuki was a taker by every sense of the word. Basking in your wispy adoration, only to brush you aside in favor of focusing on academics once he’d had his fill of your love. It was sickening.

Maybe it was the fact that you hadn’t outright confessed to him, maybe that’s what soothed the overbearing guilt that crawled up his throat whenever he saw that dejected face of yours, the one you made because of him. If your feelings for him ran deep, surely you would have said something by now, at least that’s what he thought. Or more precisely, that’s the excuse his mind conjured up in hopes of easing his conscious, trying to convince himself that self that yes, he was hurting you, but at least he wasn’t hurting you that bad. He was infinitely aware that this doesn’t put him in any sort of moral high ground, nor does it justify his actions, but, again, it was a last-ditch effort to relieve his anguish if just by a little bit, even if he knew that excuse was bullshit.    

Surely he knew, there’s no way in hell someone as hawk-eyed as him didn’t notice the tyranny he held over the porcelain pitter-pattering of your heart, didn’t notice the fleeting, love-filled glances you sent his way. This was getting ridiculous, you were starting to believe he was taking some twisted sense of pleasure from your heartache, but he wouldn’t do that, right? He didn’t derive some sick kick out of having you indefinitely under his thumb, at his beck and call… right? A few months ago, you would have answered those uncertainties with a resounding “No!” defending his cruel behavior till the bitter end. But now…

Now you weren’t so sure.

And yet you still found yourself in his dorm, on his bed. It was supposed to be another study gathering, but one thing was glaringly missing. Y’know… the gathering. Kirishima was out training and he hadn’t bothered to invite the rest of his brain-dead, self-proclaimed squad. And that’s how you found yourself alone. With your best friend and secret crush. Just dandy.

Your hands were restless. Pulling at the seams of his blanket, cracking your own fingers, picking up your pencil for a brief moment of concentration, answering one or two questions only to drop it back on the mattress again and fidget some more. Katsuki wasn’t fucking blind, and your unease was ticking him off. Though he surprisingly hadn’t said a thing about it just yet, he was clearly nearing his wit’s end. His silence didn’t prevail for much longer, the meek sigh and not so subtle glance you chanced his way being his tipping point.

“What.” It came out as a statement, a demand rather than a question. What was he demanding? He hadn’t thought of that yet, his temperamental limbs already taking the wheel and pressing on the gas without a destination in mind, just being short fused for the sake of it. Was it even his place to be making demands in this situation? Katsuki knew the answer to this one like the back of his hand, a solid no.

“What…?” You really had no idea what Bakugo was expecting with a question like that. He still had the audacity to roll his eyes.

“The hell’s got you so jumpy?”

“It’s nothing…” It was a lot more than nothing, that’s for sure.

“Don’t lie to me, (name). What the fuck is up with you?” Ah, there it is again. That look. His words were as cut-throat as ever, and his mouth was still pulled into that seemingly permanent scowl. But his eyes conveyed something that was whole worlds asunder from his harsh tone. Golden brows furrowed as they usually were, though unusually upturned just the slightest bit. You despised that look. It ensured that you’ll forever be caught in his grasp, forever there for him when he never spared you the time of day.

Your lungs constricted by a force of gorgeously wretched agony. Katsuki wasn’t fair when he bared his soul to you like this, it filled you with such fervent euphoria that torrefied its way through your being, singeing your veins with luminous infatuation. And it hurt. Because you knew he’d cage himself right up as soon as the moment of vulnerability perished.

A crystalline sheen permeated your vision. This wasn’t going to end well.  

“I said it’s nothing,” Your voice raised. You hadn’t meant for the words to be as frosty as they came out, but it seemed like your subconscious was utterly done with the tedium of heartbreak he keeps putting you through.

“What is fucking wrong with you? I was literally just asking why you were being so goddamn obnoxious today and then you go and make a big fuckin’ deal out of nothing!”

“Well, maybe I’m just fucking tired of giving you everything I have and getting nothing in return, Katsuki!”

Your chest rose and fell with each scalding breath that entered your lungs. The blood through your veins was pumping. Never had you been confrontational, and your sudden outburst wasn’t exactly welcome to your system. You wanted to vomit. This was not how you wanted things to turn out, you absolutely needed to leave, distance yourself from the emotional strain he was inflicting on you.  

Without taking notice of the panicked glint in the cherry red of his irises, you bolted out of the suddenly claustrophobic room, leaving Katsuki to stare at his agape door before flickering his unfocused attention to your supplies still laying on his bed.

Katsuki erupted time and time again, with you being as patient as a receiving end could ever be. It’s specifically because of your godly patience that he never considered what he would do once you erupted.

With your back sliding down your dorm room door, and little friction stopping your descent, you wondered and maybe even wished he’d call after you, come banging on your door with bristling apologies on the tip of his tongue. However, the jarring reality was very clear to you. You’d decided on that day, with your head buried in your tear-stained pillow, that these were the last tears you’d ever shed on him, that you were going to put him through the same wringing hell he’d put you through.

You were going to ignore Bakugo Katsuki’s existence just like he’d periodically ignored yours.

The following week had been bleak at best and excruciatingly bitter at its worst for the both of you. It was so strange having to adjust to the absence of the other, even if your company more often than not had been a quiet one, it was company nevertheless. The most grueling part though, was your shared friend group. They’d noticed that something was obviously awry, but since neither of you said a thing about it, they decided it would be best if they didn’t either. The awkward dead silences during lunch were still purgatory to behold. But after a few more slow paced days, the sun seemed to shine bright again. For you, that is.

You didn’t realize how much of your schedule revolved around Bakugo until he was completely out of it. How much time you spent with him, dreading him, thinking about him… him, him, him. He’d consumed your thoughts from the first sparks of dawn till the hallows of dusk. You had so much free time now that he was out of the picture, it was crazy. The more time you spent on yourself, on your hobbies, getting to know other classmates outside of your immediate friend circle, the duller the ache in your chest. Until it was but a static buzz. Yet you couldn’t deny that, with time, your fury had mellowed out, leaving behind a cold loneliness you couldn’t elude whenever your aimless stare landed on him, almost like it was drawn to him by muscle memory.

He was the exact opposite.

You’d think the throbbing within him whenever you finally gazed his way then instantaneously looked in the opposite direction would knock come modicum of sense into his stubborn head. But nope. And seeing you thrive without him only cemented what he already knew. He really was no good for you. So much so that it barely took anytime for you to readjust to the lack of him in your life, and not only did you adjust, you were the best he’s ever seen you both mentally and academically. In the first week of you ditching him completely, his bruised ego kept him for reaching out to you, but now, seeing that elated grin on your face –the one that had been gradually dwindling over the past few months– he didn’t want to take your newfound happiness away, he’d figured he’d done you more than enough harm already.

Heart heavy with reluctance, Katsuki made the decision to give up on your relationship. Deciding to wordlessly cheer you on from the sidelines and watch you bloom, flourishing into the person he robbed you of being for a chunk of your life, though whenever your spring hit, it would be without him. Until some day in the future where his pride wasn’t as suffocating, where he could genuinely, wholeheartedly repent his grievances and only hope for your forgiveness.

Kirishima never took Bakugo for a quitter, hell would freeze over before he even thought such a thing. So this was certainly a shock. What was even more shocking ­– and overwhelmingly concerning– was the fact that Katsuki had willingly, on his own accord confided in him, and he’d, in his own roundabout way, taken accountability for being a gigantic douche to you. As much as the redhead respected his friend’s decision to stay clear of you, he couldn’t help but wish you’d just talk to one another for once. Kirishima really was a saint, having to listen to two idiots ramble about how much they miss the other.

“Listen, man. I know you feel bad and all that, but maybe you should just talk to her? I’m sure she’d like some closure on this just as you do, even if that doesn’t mean things will go back to the way they were.” Eijirou tried to reason, praying to whatever higher being out there that Katsuki would just get the fuck over himself and communicate with you.

“Fuck no. That’s not fucking happening, shitty hair,” Kirishima rolled his eyes at the oh so affectionate nickname, thoroughly done with his best friend’s melodrama. Welp, I guess there’s only one thing left to try. He heaved internally, mentally and physically preparing himself for Bakugo’s tantrum.

“Well, you know that if you won’t talk to her, others will, right? I heard some guys saying they’re gonna ask her ou–”

“Shut the fuck up! I don’t give a rat’s ass who asks her out!” He definitely did. Eijirou hid his smile. Checkmate.

“Whatever you say, dude.”

Later that day, three distinctly powerful knocks woke you up. Needless to say, you didn’t think that night would end up with you and Katsuki staring each other down, seated on your bed at one in the morning. Words got stuck in his throat, so he just… noiselessly watched your face, as if trying to telepathically ram his constipated emotions into you, in hopes that you’d make sense of them. Obviously, that didn’t work.

“Did you come banging on my door at one in the morning just to stare at me, Bakugo? I mean I know I’m pretty but still–”

“Shuddup.” Not really the best thing to say to you after weeks of radio silence. You were about to make another salty remark, but he opened his mouth first.

“I fucked up,” The fact that he was acknowledging he was at fault was… something. But that wasn’t nearly enough to pay off the debt off turmoil he’d caused you.

“No shit.” You replied without missing a beat. The ice that tinged your words caught him off guard, but he really shouldn’t have been surprised. He sighed, knowing he’d have to strip himself of everything, including his pride (especially his pride) down to his very core, to have a go at a second chance.

And so, he did.

He poured his everything out for you to observe, without an ego film distorting his words. Syllables reeked of muted agony, he really had rid himself of anything and everything that wasn’t his deepest soul. He finally offered you himself just as you had done countless times before. Katsuki swore that his heart would –and always has been– explicitly yours, he’d roar that fact at the constellations above if you so wished him to. And while it would take a while to heal from coruscating blisters he’d inflicted, you were more than content mending and welting your heart with his.  

[duxhess-kryzewan]

obi wan gets caught in a lie? can be as heavy/light as you want

A/n: hello!! im so sorry for the sudden disappearanc, but im back and will hopefully be posting regularly again!! (also, i didnt quite know how to write a scenario with him lying to satine, so hopefully this stays as true to the characters as possible)

- White Lies - 

Satine had spent a large portion of her youth biting her nails.

She knew it was a nasty habit. Aside from it being unsanitary, it was beyond improper for a lady - especially one of nobility - to do so. It was only during her time on the run with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan that she managed to stop. Partly because she was so distracted by her concern for her people, and partly because trekking through the wilderness of various planets tended to get her hands dirty.

Yet here she stood, in the middle of her Coruscant apartment, chewing absentmindedly on her nails, not caring in the slightest that years of work to break the habit had all been for nothing.

She had been on the planet for two days now, both of them consumed with Senate proposals and a barrage of questions for the neutral systems, most of which were nothing more than ploys to side with the republic. Even in the face of aggressive senators though, Satine had held her ground. While she may be a pacifist, she was still a Mandalorian, and a Mandalorian never backed down from a fight. She was no exception. There wasn't much that shook her these days.

Except, perhaps, the absence of Obi-Wan.

He had promised her he'd be there before the sun set, but the city had been shrouded in darkness for hours now and he was no where to be found. She only commed him twice - not wanting to come off as overbearing - but it was beyond unusual for him not to follow through with his word.

So she commed Padme, the only person who wouldn't question her, and asked if she had seen or heard from him.

"I haven't," The younger woman said, "Anakin hasn't came home yet for me to ask him. If I hear from either of them I'll be sure to let you know."

"Thank you." Satine said before ending the transmission.

So she paced, chewing on her nails and trying her best not to think of the worst possible scenario. He was a Jedi, she rationalized, even if something did happen he was more than capable of taking care of himself.

It didn't help ease her mind.

So when the familiar beeping of a keypad and sound of her door opening sounded through the apartment she couldn't have been more relieved.

She rushed to meet him, barely giving him enough time to shut the door before she threw her arms around his shoulders.

He cradled her against him in response, his hands winding around her tiny frame. She didn't need to be in tune with the force to feel the exhaustion radiating off of him. Yes, something had certainly happened, and it had drained him.

"Are you alright?" Satine asks, pulling away just enough to scan her eyes over him, searching for any kind of wound or otherwise out of place detail.

"I'm fine," He says, reaching out and tucking a bit of stray hair behind her ear, "It's been a challenging day. The council was relentlessly questioning Anakin and I about the events of our most recent mission and then I got tied up with him at Padme's."

Her blood suddenly runs cold, her body all but frozen in his grasp and it took her a moment to truly process what he had just told her.

She pulls away from his grasp and takes a step back, "You weren't at Padme's."

Obi-Wan pauses, mouth slightly agape, a mouthful of words he was planning on saying frozen on the tip of his tongue. If she looked hard enough she's sure she could see them dancing around, begging to be spoken out into the world.

"I commed over there Obi-Wan," She says, "You weren't at Padme's."

He already knew that, of course. His eyes always betrayed him. Not that he was keeping up the charade; he knew he had been caught. There was no point in pretending now.  

"You lied to me," Satine says, not bothering to hide the hurt and confusion in her voice, "Why would you..."

She trails off, unable to bring herself to finish the question. Obi-Wan didn't lie to her. Not ever. Faking his death aside, he had never been anything less than honest with her.

"Satine I..." He too is at a loss for words, eyes wide and full of something unfamiliar. Fear, perhaps? Worry about what the consequences of his falsehood? It makes her feel sick either way.

"Where were you?"

"Please Satine, I promise you, it wasn't anything you need worry about. You know that I would never-" He paused, suddenly unable to finish his statement.

Cheat on her? Yes, she was fairly confident that would never happen. Even in light of his lie she knows without a doubt that was a line that would never be crossed.

"No, you wouldn't." She grants, "But I also thought you would never lie to me. I thought we were honest with one another despite the consequences."

His eyes fill with sadness; a mirage of guilt that she's never seen before and if her heart wasn't already hurting she's sure it would have broken for him all the more.

"I- of course. You're right. I should have never..." He sucks in a shaky breath, "There was an incident. Two really. Bail Organa and Lothals senator were attacked by separatist assassins. They were working on your neutral systems proposal when it happened. It's suspected they wanted to sabotage your place with the Senate. I didn't want to worry you. That's all, I swear it."

Dizziness washes over her. Of course she was always at risk for an attack on her and her beliefs, and of course Obi-Wan tries to shelter her from the horrors of the galaxy despite the fact that she's keenly aware of the atrocities transpiring around her.

"Obi-Wan.."

"That's all it was Satine, I swear. I didn't want to upset you with the news."

"All the same, you lied to me. And you made it look easy Obi-Wan, like it was nothing to you."

He closes his eyes, her words hitting him like a slap in the face and its almost too much for her to bare. As if her words physically stunned him.

"I have to be a good liar, you know that. I lie to the council every time they question the nature of our relationship. I lie to them, but not to you." His voice was steady, more assured than it had been before.

"But you just did."

She wants to stop; wants so badly to calm down and forget about this, but she can't bring herself to do it. Not when it felt like her trust had been violated. There were too many people in her life - valued friends and allies - who had deceived her in the past. Her trust had began wavering amongst the people who crossed her path, but never in Obi-Wan.

He can't look at her and it both breaks her heart and infuriates her more.

"You're right," He says, "And I'm sorry. You've always had that confidence in me and I broke that trust."

"You've never lied to me before," She says, "And it matters that you did it so well, how can I-" She swallows the sudden threat of a sob, "How can I know that this was the only time?"

The words come clawing their way out of her mouth and it stung more than she could have imagined. And maybe she was being unfair; maybe he hadn't thought about how much weight such a simple lie would carry, but it hurt her in places she didn't recognize.

"You know me Satine, you know I would never lie to you about something that really mattered."​ He counters, voice laced with a twinge of frustration.

Her eyes narrow, "And what matters and what doesn't?"

They hadn't fought in months; never fought like this at all. It wasn't unusual for a snide comment to be thrown out here or there, and they certain had their fair share of disagreements, but this? This was something entirely new and she didn't know what to do with it.

"I don't know what you want me to say other than I'm sorry."

She felt dizzy. Trust was something that she valued more than anything. Obi-Wan was the last person she ever thought would betray that. Regardless of the severity of his lie, it stung more than she could have imagined.

She grabs her cloak without a second thought.

"I'm going," She states, "I need to get out for a bit."

He suddenly looks panicked, and for a moment she actually reconsiders leaving, but she knows ultimately its better for her to go calm herself down before she truly said something she didn't mean.  

​"Satine, please."

She sighs, "I'm coming back, Obi-Wan. I need to go clear my head."

"Where are you going?"

"Padme's. Back to Mandalore early perhaps."

His eyes grow sadder when she mentions the latter, "Satine…"

She's out the door before he can finish his protest.

---

The streets of Coruscant were becoming more and more familiar to her with every visit, though she would hesitate to really claim she knew her way around anywhere aside from the heart of the city. Regardless of that fact, she wandered the streets without much care.

Instinctively she wrapped her arms around herself, pressing tightly against her rib cage. It felt like her bones were about to crack open, her heart having experienced too many emotions in such a short period of time. From worry to hurt to anger. It was all too much.

She had been deceived and lied too more times than she could count. But Obi-Wan, her shining Jedi Knight, never had. Not until now.

She stops abruptly, her thoughts suddenly hitting her full force once more with his lie. It hurts her. Frightens her, even, the way her anger had crept into her mind and overtook all rational thinking.

Why would he lie to her? Why would he do the one thing he knew would break her heart more than anything else?

Because he protects you from what he thinks you shouldn't have to see.

Satine frowns, trying to shove the thought out of her mind. But it was useless. She knew it was the truth, that he had always done his best to shield her from dangers and horrors alike. In his mind, she had seen enough wicked things in her youth and endured more attempts on her life than she should have had too. Obi-Wan had always been trying, whether she realized it or not, to keep her from baring more weight.

But the question lingers in the back of her mind; had he lied to her before?

You know he hasn't, She thinks, The look in his eyes when you even suggested it was all the proof you needed.

Another ache soars through her chest. She trusted him. And when she really digs deep down in herself, she knows that she still does. Obi-Wan Kenobi is still the person she trusts most.

So why didn't the pain in her chest fade? She wasn't angry anymore, not really. The cool night air and desolate streets provided release from whatever vexations and grief burrowed within her, and yet something dismal still gnawed at her.

Then the realization hit her.

Obi-Wans absence was the source of her heartache.

She had fled, a momentary lapse in judgement in an effort to calm down, and left him standing in the wreckage of their little time together. They would have to part ways in two days time, and she had effectively cut that even shorter.

She turns around without a second thought.

--

When she steps through the door she finds him in the same spot she left him in, perched on the floor with his eyes closed, legs crossed in the all too familiar pose of meditation. It didn't surprise her. He often did so to sort out his feelings.

The sound of the door didn't cause him to move, nor did the sound of her footsteps coming towards him. He only opened his eyes when she crouched down onto the floor and all but threw herself against him.

He instinctively envelopes her in a hug, cradling her in his arms as they sat on the floor.

"I'm sorry," Satine says, nuzzling her nose against the side of his head, "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," He murmurs, "I should have just told you from the start. I'm sorry to have deceived you."

She feels guilty all over again. Obi-Wan carried often carried the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders. The last thing she wanted was to add to that.

"No, I-" She drops her cheek against the top of his head and tightens her hold on him, "I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. It was unfair of me. I shouldn't have gotten upset and I certainly shouldn't have walked out. It was wrong on my part."

She often wonders what life would be like if they weren't so tied to their duties. If she weren't born a duchess and he not born a Jedi. If they were simply Ben and Satine, a couple tucked away in a quiet corner of the Galaxy. Would they have fights like this? Or would they bicker over mundane things? Certainly their quarrels would never be as a result of governing bodies or separatists attacks. It would be nice, she thinks, to be so carefree when they were together.

"I've never lied to you before." He tells her, gripping her hand in his own.

"I know you haven't."

"I won't do it again."

"I know."

"Do you forgive me?"

She pulls away from him, worming her way out from his arms enough to look him in the eyes.

"There's nothing to forgive my dear."

Her hands come up to cradle his face, thumbs brushing over his auburn stubble.

"I need you to say it," He tells her, covering her hand with one of his own, "For my own peace of mind."

She smiles softly, "I forgive you."

Wouldn’t she always?

[dear-systems]

TW/ CSA, COCSA, SA, abuse, possible internalized Something Bad But I Dont Know What, general panic, idiocy, and self doubt akdj

Hiiiii,,, can I ask some for advice/opinions/guidance for me possibly being a system? It’s a very scary thought, I don’t think I wanna be a system, not really. It’s all confusing, it’s all a lot, and idk what to do. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, sure, but like, I remember some things! I remember enough! What could’ve happened to me? I lived close to a predator that’s true, but I never slept over more than a couple nights, and I can’t remember anything they could’ve done to me, they never showed any signs. I grew up in a home, though, with a sibling of mine, and theyre… a complicated at best story. They were def preyed upon, and they also sexually assaulted me. I have blurry memories from when I was little of them playing “”games”” with me that make me wanna throw up, but they never really crossed the line into the assault like that one time. I repressed that one time soo much anyway, because I was so ashamed and horrified. It happened when I was 11. Could you even develop a dissociative disorder at age 11? And how would I remember ish and acknowledge that trauma without even KNOWING about others??? And that’s not considering the idea that I might not be traumagenic, which somehow is scarier?? It makes me mad at the world, cause I feel like I’d be even MORE hated and called fake and believe it myself. And also, that there wasn’t a reason. That I’d be going through this pain for no reason other than brain go brr, not brain go cope. Am I making sense?? I’m sorry if not, and I’m sorry if I have said/will say something offensive. I don’t wanna downplay their experiences, but also I don’t know a lot and I just. Aghh, yknow? I haven’t done too much research, cause I’m lazy and I’m scared akdhsjhfj, and most of the time I just ignore this. Until it just hits me for a couple weeks or days that this isnt normal, is it? I don’t think I really hear voices, my body is never out of my control. I always want whatever it’s doing. If I hear anything, its just in my head, and in MY voice, and it could be just like,,,, not alters yknow? Just me thoughts. I’m genderfluid, of that I am certain, I was only ever a solid gender when I didn’t feel like me. Even if there’s other people in here with me, I’m genderfluid, and none of them have ever shown interest in anyone in a romo/smexy way, just as I have. So idk what’s that about??? Different genders but same orientation? Idk. Phibi isn’t a human, and it doesn’t like calling itself by human terms, so though it too doesn’t feel attraction, technically it isn’t aroace like the rest of us. Or me. Idk man I’m confused. I have such terrible memory. That’s the worst part. One time I forgot how old I was lmao. Everything is a blur, but none of it is completely a blackout. If it ever feels empty, all I have to do is try real hard to get SOMETHING, and eventually I will, so. Eh. But it’s all so, so blurry. I can recall things I did, but it isn’t like… attached? It’s strange. It takes me a moment, like getting a file in a computer and it lagging, and it just seems so distant. Sometimes tho, it isn’t, and sometimes it is. It’s all inconsistent. That’s what really gets to me, I think. It’s hard to make out, and I suck at handling things that are hard to make out. Usually I thought I either repressed things or got over them quickly or something when I get triggered (I have PTSD oof) but today with the whole who-are-i thing when I got triggered, I was very panicky at first as usual. I was not having a good time akdjdjj, as per usual. Then I kinda became numb, dissociated, and then came to… feeling surprisingly ok? I didn’t feel like Me, of course. This is confusing. I felt like someone else. I STILL do! I feel like that person! I feel like the one that panicked is another, it’s weird to refer to us like this, I’m sorry. It’s so confusing. So that doesn’t bode well for my “oh I’m perfectly fine and a singlet” case. I still feel the closest to them, though. Everyone else is more separate. This doesn’t make sense ahdhskfj. I feel like I’m faking it. I feel like I can’t possibly be plural. (1/2)

I remember as a child feeling so sad and helpless, that I would relish in my own mind, if that makes sense. I liked the fact it was Mine, and no one could take that from me. No one could know what was inside it, not really, not unless they were a mind reader, which I chose to believe for my sanity didn’t exist akdjsj. I had full control over it. If I wanted there to be a palace with me as the sole ruling prince with a pink gown and infinite cake and toys in there, I could. If I wanted to go “home”, even when physically and logically I was there, I could. Im scared that being plural will take that from me. On one hand, it’s kinda nice. I remember Phibi once took themselves to school for me, planned to go through the whole day if a switch hadn’t happened, if I’m allowed to even use those words akfjakd. I was relieved at not having to go to school. But also. This is scary, this is strange, this is invasive, and it’s giving me far too much of an identity crisis. I just. Uh help?? Somehow?? In any way?? That would be nice tho obvs you don’t haVe to akdjskjd (2/2)

You're definitely not alone, anon, and it certainly sounds like you're a system. It is hard, to adjust, but you'll get there in time.

May I recommend having things that are exclusively yours? A blog, a spot in your innerworld if you have one, a playlist, etc. Something that is just yours.

[uth0ttm]

Ok slight tw ig for this if ur squeemish or however tf u spell it or like

Get easily dysphoric, but as an AFAB trans boy i get 2 talk abt periods so fuck you

But anyways

What the fuck is up with my body yk. Like ik periods are natural n shit for anyone w a uterus

BUT JESUS FUCK MAN

Like.. periods never hurt when I had 2 use pads. Like I only ever got 2 cramps when i used pads from when i was almost 10 (like i was 9 years and 8 months when i started i was really early 2 the puberty chain ew) to when i was 15

That's 6 years, and in those 6 years of however many periods, including the time i got 2 periods in one month, you get in 12 months a year (should obviously be 12 but yk I'm being dramatic for the same of myself here) I only had 2 periods where I cramps, and that's not even an understatement or a flex, it just never happened for me. But as soon as I started using things like tampons, and even my recently purchased Diva Cup, I have gotten cramps almost EVERY single period since i started using tampons at 16, so that's almost 2 years now (since I'm 17 and going to be 18 soon) since I've had nonstop cramps and i hate it, and no matter what i do to try and help relieve them like putting a cat on me, a warm beanbag, a hot water bottle covered in a towel, Tylenol or other OTC pain meds, and whatever the fuck else u can possibly do 2 relieve the pain of cramps, it doesn't fucking work

And while this makes it a little funny, it doesn't help that a couple days ago in Bio 30 we learned that your eggs in your ovaries apparently break out of your ovaries to get into your fallopian tubes, it not smooth cruising, it's fucking oW-

And it doesn't help that my bio teacher was just like "yeah its like they're breaking out with little swords so ur ovaries have scars lmao" at us so now all i can imagine when my cramps start up is these eggs in my fucking ovaries breaking out with those stupid plastic coloured drink swords they use as toothpicks for olives in bars and shit and it's just

eEBAJSVJXHESJHSJSGWKHSKWHEKSGEIRGR

I WANT 2 GO SO FUCKING FERAL BECAUSE IM IN SO MUCH PAIN BUT FOR THE LEGAL REASONS THAT SOME DUMB COORPORATE MAN SET I CANT JUST RIP RANDOM SHIT APART IN PUBLIC WITHOUT BEING LOCKED UP IN SUSPICION THAT I TOOK SOME HARDCORE DRUGS

I fucking hate having 2 live with a uterus. Like I'm fucking fine having a vagina and shit, I don't have bottom dysphoria, but i fucking hate the fact that because I haven't gone and put a baby inside of me and gave birth, which is a huge fear of mine that that shit could happen, that I have to suffer because I'm not a stupid baby making menace

Fuck that expectation just because I have a uterus, it can get absolutely fucked because I don't fucking want it, just gtfo you dumb whore of an organ. If I'm ever gonna start a family that has real human kids as the children, which I doubt bc children are icky, then I'm going to adopt bc fuck having a kid when theres so many kids in the system who need a home

N e ways, I'm done my stupid little rant bc I'm not in pain anymore and I'm really hungry so I'm gonna go eat smth while being really pissed off-

[dokoni-mo]

Far Away, Together || Darth Vader x Reader (Chapter 7)

(A/N: this was origninally supposed to go up tomorrow, but it was another one of those cases where i was writing at night and this bad boy basically completed itself. Im very proud of this chapter and I hope yall like it just as much as I do!! It was really fun imagining all of the things and writing them down :))) as always, feel free to ask to be added to the taglist :)) and feel free to send me any asks of anything you wanna say/know. All previous chapters have been liked below :)) )

(P.S: i got kinda misty-eyed while writing this so be warned)

Chapter One: [x]

Chapter Two: [x]

Chapter Three: [x] 

Chapter Four: [x]

Chapter Five: [x]

Chapter Five and a Half: [x]

Chapter Six: [x]

WARNINGS: canon typical voilence, usage of weapons, cursing, mentions of being in the hospital, some angst, mentions of death, otherwise none!!

Key: (F/N) = first name, (L/N) = last name. 

Word Count: ~7900

~~~

The force that surrounded the room had told him that something here was undeniably wrong. It frustrated him that he couldn’t yet piece it together, and frustrated him further that the force wouldn’t tell him the answer. 

The look in your eyes when he accepted the king’s offer only fueled his sense of self-doubt and second-guessing. Even if you didn’t know it, your eyes told him that you had felt a sense of unease in the room as well, but weren’t able to pick up on it's source. Perhaps it was just your nerves. Perhaps it was just the nerves that he had left. 

Watching you be whisked away by those guards was one of the hardest sights he had to bear, but he had no idea as to why. He had wanted very desperately for you to stay by his side during that meeting, but the sense of your boredom was plaguing his mind, distracting him. He hated that he had put you in such a situation, and thought that it might be nice for you to be entertained for a short while. 

But, the force told a much different story. 

He pretended that the last glance you gave him over his shoulder didn’t shake him to his core and made his fists ball. His thoughts of worry were consuming him whole. He would never admit it to anyone, let alone himself, but deep down inside of him, he was scared. Scared that look was the last one he would ever get from you. Scared that look you gave him was the last time he would ever be able to see the life in your eyes. His fists were shaking in the sheer amount of strength he gripped them with. Self-loathing and worry filled his mind. 

He had lost so many in his life. 

Yet, for some odd reason that he could not place… 

He did not want to lose you too. 

In fact, deep, deep down inside of him… 

He knew that losing you would finally destroy him. 

It would shatter any semblance of humanity he had within him. 

Despite feeling this so strongly, he still had no idea why. 

You were just a mechanic from Endor… 

Why did he feel the need to see you every day? To speak to you every day? To keep you by his side? To protect you? 

He couldn’t begin to know. 

Once you were ushered out of the room and the doors closed behind you, the only noise that filled the space was the sound of his respirator, working to a T just like it always did. Almost too quickly, he reached out with the force, searching for the feeling of you. 

Sure enough, you were still there. Still alive and unharmed. Big shocker, since you had literally just left, but… 

He was… relieved. 

“Now, my Lord,” the King spoke, that idiotic smirk plasterd on his face, “where were we?” 

“We were discussing the terms of agreement to join the Empire.” Lord Vader spoke flatly, his mind still somewhere else. 

“Ah! Yes, of course!” the king responded. His voice was cheery. 

Too cheery. 

It was disgusting. Revolting. Yet Lord Vader had to push on, by order of his master.

Lord Vader sensed more guards enter the room without even having to turn his head. The muscles of his shoulders tensed as he felt their presence, causing his adrenaline to stir. 

Something was definitely off. But, he decided to ignore it. Surely they wouldn’t try anything. These creatures didn’t seem that idiotic as to try and go toe-to-toe with him. Yet still… his mind seemed to wander again and again to the thought of you. The thought of you somehow being in some sort of danger. Trying his best to attend to the matter at hand, he told himself that you were in good hands with the guards. But, why did it feel like a lie? Why did it feel wrong? He decided to explain these questions with only his nerves acting up, and nothing more. 

“So what exactly will be the, erm… benefits that my planet receives from the Empire, my Lord?” The king asked. Lord Vader barely even realized that he had said anything. 

“Your planet will become a base of empirical troops. They will replace your guards and police systems if you wish. Otherwise, they will be serving there strictly for the Empire. You will also be financially compensated for all the resources you give the Empire.” 

Maker, did Lord Vader hate conversing with potential allies like this. 

“Splendid!” the king exclaimed, clapping his clammy, wrinkled hands together. If Lord Vader hadn’t been wearing a mask, he would have rolled his eyes. 

The king then started to babble on and on about how he was so pleased with Lord Vader’s visit to his planet and how honored he was to be joining the Empire and blah blah blah blah blah. A wash of anger overcame Lord Vader as he was forced to listen to the old man blubber on and on and on. This is the part that he especially hated when mingling with potential Empire recruits. They always felt the need to suck up to him and to the Empire. Lord Vader wished that they would just cut to the chase and tell him how they really felt. 

Just like you did. All the time. 

Zoning out from the king’s still-ongoing rambles, Lord Vader’s mind began to drift again. His sense of worry was overtaking him once more, swallowing him whole. If he were not in that infernal, hellish suit that kept him alive, everyone would be able to see clear as day that he was not okay; that he was worried sick, that he was scared. However, the hard shell of his exterior, coupled with his large frame and tough aura made everyone think that there was no human within those layers of buttons, leather, and metal. There was no one capable of emotion or feeling within the depths of steel that covered the thing within. Granted, he was to appear this way to everyone by order of his master, and Lord Vader did obey his master’s command. However, deep down inside of him, for a very long amount of time, he hoped that someone could look at him and see a person, and not just the Empire’s most feared weapon. 

You had done that. 

And fuck was he worried about you. 

He couldn’t bear it any longer. He had to know that you were okay. That you were safe. 

Droning out the king’s still ongoing blubbering, Lord Vader focused all his attention on manipulating and bending the force around him. Focusing on your life force, he felt his shoulders tense as every fluid in his metal-clad body that was still left run cold. 

Your life force had diminished significantly. And, you were fading still.

His breathing hitched in his respirator. His fists were shaking in a flurry of passionate emotion.

No. 

No. 

No.

He would not allow this. 

Not caring at all about what the king had to say, Lord Vader cut him off mid-speech. 

“I wish for my mechanic to return to me at once.”

The king looked at Lord Vader like the sith had grown a second head as his majesty was silenced. The king swallowed thickly as he leaned his body to the other end of his hair, his hand wrapping around his chin as he rubbed it gingerly. 

There was no mistaking the emotion that glossed over his blue eyes. Lord Vader had seen it countless times before. 

Fear. 

Lord Vader’s anger was reaching a boiling point. 

“M-My Lord! But she has only just left! Surely you could allow her more time to-” the king tried to reason, only to be cut off again.

“I want her here now. Do not make me ask again.” 

No one made even the slightest movement after Lord Vader spoke. The air was silent except for the mechanical breathing coming from Lord Vader’s person. The aura that emanated from the room was crisp, full of anticipation. If one were to listen hard enough, one would potentially be able to hear the sweat dripping down the guard’s foreheads as they gripped their blasters tighter. A thick, yet undetectable to the untrained scent filled the air. Lord Vader knew the scent all too well. He had smelled it so often throughout the years. There was no mistaking it. 

Fear. 

Lord Vader’s anger filled every atom within his person. 

The king was the one to break the tension, clearing his throat. 

His tone was much lower than normal. Serious. 

“I’m… I’m afraid I can not do that-” 

Everything that happened next was so fast that everyone present had barely had any time to process it. Faster than lightning, Lord Vader had risen from his seated position, his chair launching back faster than a speeding blaster shot. Sensing the rage coming off of him, the guards in the room pointed their blasters at the sith lord and fired, the blue streaks of light illuminating the room in quick, pulsive flashes. Using the force to deflect away the bolts, Lord Vader took his saber off of his belt, igniting it in his grip.

Lord Vader deflected the bolts off of his lightsaber that continued to barrage him, sending them off in wild directions, striking a few guards and making them drop dead to the floor. White-hot, passionate rage burning inside him, Lord Vader swung his saber faster and stronger than he ever had before, the muscles in his arms rippling beneath his suit. A few other guards were caught in this flurry of anger and the brilliant crimson to match, their pieces now scattered on the floor. 

Sensing one last guard left alive, Lord Vader hurled his saber to the other side of the room, cutting the guard clean in half as well as a few decorations in its path. Watching the guard’s body fall dead to the ground, he sensed one last man trying to escape his fury. 

The king. 

His saber returning to his right hand, Lord Vader reached out his left hand to the king who was halfway out the door, beckoning the force to do the same. Bending to Lord Vader’s will, the force wrapped an invisible, large, strong hand around the king’s throat, immediately making him gasp for air. Feeling his feet leave the ground, the king was quickly and violently pulled by the force into Lord Vader’s grasp, his robotic hand wrapping tightly around his majesty’s royal throat. Darth Vader loomed oh so ominously above the king as he was held tightly in his grasp, the dark lord’s saber humming forebodingly in his other hand. The king was gasping and choking for air at this point, his eyes wide and filled to the brim with fear.

The king had thought he was staring death right in the face. 

And, he was. 

Desperately trying to get away, the king tried fruitlessly to kick at the sith, the soles of his boots leaving skids on the metal that adorned the dark lord’s body. Lord Vader didn’t care in the slightest. The only reason why he didn’t immediately kill that old man because only he knew the answer to what Lord Vader did care to know. 

The only thing that pumped through Lord Vader’s body at this point was burning, boiling, white-hot fury as he spoke to the king in his choke-hold, his voice oh so much more deep and constricting. 

“Where is she?” 

~~~

When you finally came-to, you instantly realized three things. 

One: your wrists were tied together, and there was a chain around your ankle.

Opening your eyes and feeling your body again, you had barely been able to feel these restraints at first. But as you began to stir, they became far more apparent. Grogginess lacing your mind, you were confused at first on why you weren’t able to rub your eyes. Looking down at your hands, you finally noticed the pair of metal restraints that were bound around your wrists, making you unable to move your hands freely. You were terribly puzzled at first, but quickly remembered that the guards had assaulted you, locking you in this room. Trying to move your feet, you felt a pull at your right ankle as you shifted and twisted. Looking down, you noticed a similar restraint to the one on your wrist keeping you chained to the floor, the chain only about one and a half foot long. 

Two: there was a pounding in your head. 

You were less challenged by coming up with an explanation to this one. Remembering the events prior to you blacking out, you figured that your pounding head was from when the guard struck you with the butt of his rifle. The aching feeling was in the same spot. Honing in on the sensation a moment longer, you noticed that it felt as if something was caked onto that side of your head. Your lips tightened into a line as you deduced what it was. 

Blood. 

Great. 

Three: you weren’t alone in that room anymore. 

Focusing your eyes to train on what was in front of your vision, you noticed three pairs of feet standing about five feet away from you, all adorned with pairs of boots. Recognizing them as no where near empirical standards, your brow furrowed. The symbol of the rebellion you saw… 

These were rebels. 

Not wanting to lie down on the cold ground any longer, you shifted your body so that you could roll onto your butt, and eventually sit on your knees. Your body sore from lying on that cold, hard ground for an unknown amount of time, you shot a glare upwards, hoping that it landed upon your rebel captors. 

Sure enough, it did, and you were greeted with two familiar faces, and one unknown one. The two you recognized were the guards who had brought you to this room. The one you didn’t know was smirking devilishly down at you, her hands on her hips as she looked at you like you were living filth. You were almost offended, but you remembered who exactly you worked for. You supposed that made her opinion more justifiable, since she was indeed a rebel. However, this did not stop you from glaring daggers right into her eyes, your lips in a slight scowl. 

“Well, look who finally decided to join the party!” the rebel woman said, crossing her arms over her chest. She was a bit of a more mature woman (about early to mid thirties), and had the medals on her coat to match her experience. You had no idea what rank she was. It was almost impossible to tell with rebel uniforms, since, well, they didn’t really have uniforms. You envied them for that. 

“It's not like I wanted to be here in the first place…” you mumbled out, your gaze dropping to the floor for a moment. 

Your quip must have angered the female rebel. She spoke through her teeth as she responded to you, her brow furrowing in frustration. 

“What did you say to me, empirical scum?” 

It was your turn to make your brow furrow, your wrists straining against the restraints. 

“What does it matter to you?! Let me go!” you bellowed, although you were almost certain that your demands were not going to be met. 

Your confirmation came seconds later after the woman let out a laugh. 

“No way, missy! We are nowhere near done with you yet.” 

You sighed quickly to yourself at this, your brow still furrowed in anger and frustration. 

“I don’t know how many times you’ve heard this before, but I won't tell you anything.” you retorted back, a smirk tugging at your lips at your not-so-subtle teasing. Although you didn’t exactly classify yourself as loyal to the Empire, you were still no fool as to get you on it's bad side. Furthermore, it was moreso him you were loyal to… 

Him. 

Lord Vader. 

The thought of his name made your mind start to spiral. Did he know you were there? Where was he? Would he come for you? Would he even bother to even ask where you were? Would he care if you were captured by this lady and held as a prisoner for the rest of your years? The times you remembered sharing with him on that damned planet said yes… But you were still worried nonetheless. Still scared. Perhaps it was just you being scared of being taken prisoner, but your mind started to feel with fears and doubts the longer you sat there on the floor. Unable to hide your worry, your eyes kept darting to and from the door, hoping to see a familiar sith-lord standing in it's frame. 

Noticing your wandering eyes, the rebel woman reached out and gripped the back of your hair, forcing you to look up at her as you winced. 

“What’s the matter?” she asked, her voice feigning concern, “Hoping that monster will come and save you? Don’t be fucking ridiculous.” The woman spat at you, violently letting go of your hair as she re-crossed her arms. 

“He’s… y-you’ll never get away with this.” you panted out, your voice stammering. Your mind still racing, you could barely hide any of your fear. 

The rebel woman tsked as she rolled her eyes. 

“Psh. Please. We’ve already got half the job done. We got Vader alone with our finest, and there’s no way he could take them all on at once-” 

You breathed out a laugh before she could finish. 

“Maker, you really are that dumb…” 

Scowling down at you, the woman cleared her throat as she continued. 

“We didn’t expect Vader to bring someone like you along with him. We expected some pilot or officer that we could just kill off. That was the original plan for you, missy…” 

You kept your gaze trained straight in front of you as the woman started to pace around you. 

“And by all accounts, it still is. Unless, you give us what we want.” 

You pursed your lips before speaking, “Which is?” 

“Information,” the woman hissed, leaning down to get in your ear, “We know who you are, (F/N) (L/N). You’re his mechanic. You know things.” 

You let out a scoff, “Look, as you said, I’m just a mechanic, lady. It’s not like I’m going to know valuable secrets to the Empire. You’re embarrassing yourself.” 

The woman looked up at the guards and nodded to them at your answer. Quickly, the same guard who had knocked you unconscious moved his arms, revealing to you a long, silver stick with a ring of electricity around one end, filing the room with it's sound. You licked your lips at the sight of this, your eyes darting to the door again. 

Please… don’t leave me behind, you thought to yourself as sweat started to form on your brow. 

“Does that jog your memory, mechanic?” the woman hissed. 

“No, not really. Because I don’t know-” 

You were cut off by your own loud groan of pain as the guard pressed the electrical end of the stick to your shoulder, sending volts of electricity through your veins and nerves. It was agony. You now understood why stormtroopers who patrolled the prison blocks said they still heard the screams at night. 

Removing the stick from your shoulder, you let your head dangle down as you closed your eyes, your brow still furrowed. You refused to show these people just how terrified you were. 

“How about now? How about you try telling us the plans for that super-weapon we’ve been hearing rumors about, hm?” the rebel woman asked, staring down at you with unforgiving eyes.

“I already told you no.” you hissed back at her. Passionate rage flooding through you, you glared back up at the woman, daggers in your eyes as you spoke with your teeth bared. How dare they do this to you. How dare they chain you up like some animal. How dare they knock you out then shock you. How dare they speak to you in such a way. 

But, most of all… 

How dare they trick you into leaving his side. 

Your voice cracked as your words flew from your lips, your eyes threading to spill over in tears of frustration. 

You were done. 

You didn’t realize how crazy you were going from your worrisome thoughts and anxieties of no one coming to save you as the words spewed from your mouth with absolutely no filter. 

“Is this how you expect to get anything out of anyone? Shock me to death?! Yeah, sure, that’ll make ANYONE wanna talk. Look, I’m not lying to you. I really don’t know any fucking secrets that the Empire has. I just fucking work there. You really think that all of this is gonna work? Think again, bitch. You put all your “finest” in that room with Lord Vader to DIE. They’re all going to DIE. And for what? For you to die too? To bully around some mechanic for a few minutes? You’re rebels, right? Is this really the example you wanna set? Chaining up some fucking mechanic who’s just here on this NOWHERE planet as a representative? GROW THE FUCK UP! All of you are so stupid- DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?! LORD VADER WILL COME HERE ANY MINUTE NOW AND KILL YOU ALL. HE WILL, I KNOW HE WILL. H-HE’S GOING TO COME FOR ME! I KNOW HE WILL! I-” 

You didn’t even feel the hot tears running down your furiously contorted face as you screamed at the woman. You didn’t even realize how crazy you must have sounded. You didn’t even realize that they were telling you to shut up until you felt the electricity shoot though your veins again, making you yelp in agony. 

You didn’t even realize you were blacked out again until you hit the floor. 

~~~

As much as Lord Vader detested the king of that damn planet, he did have to give him credit for his resilience. 

No matter how much the dark lord demanded that the king fork over the information of your whereabouts, he wouldn’t do it. In fact, he didn’t really say anything. Lord Vader would choke the king in his grasp until his majesty was almost dead. Then, releasing the force around the king, Lord Vader would allow his majesty to drop to the floor for a brief moment to cough and choke at the dark lord’s feet, the king’s old, wrinkled hand clutching his throat. Once Lord Vader decided that he took in enough air, the sith would lift up the king and choke him once more. This continued on for a large amount of time. Lord Vader only grew more and more violent with each new choke hold. Every succeeding choke would be more tight and constricting than the last, and each succeeding throw to the ground would be rougher and rougher than the last. 

Throwing the king to the ground for what felt like the millionth time, Lord Vader was unable to hide his anger as he spoke, his voice as deep and menacing as the devil’s. 

“Your suffering could end very quickly, your majesty,” the dark lord rumbled, his grip upon his ignited saber growing tighter and tighter, “If you tell me the information I wish to know.” 

The king was coughing and wheezing at Lord Vader’s feet, his hand trying to massage his aching throat. His majesty could barely keep himself up upon his hand and knees as he looked up at the sith lord, his body weak and desperate for air. The king’s face was significantly reddened and his eyes were full of tears as he gazed upon the sith. 

He felt as if he were looking at the devil himself. 

“N…” the King began to rasp out, his throat dry and aching with the fury of the sith, “Over… my dead… body..!” 

Lord Vader tilted his head to the side inquisitively at this. The sith could definitely see that this cretin was willing to die for his worthless cause. 

Pitiful. 

Disgusting. 

Repulsive. 

It only added flame to the fire of Lord Vader’s fury. 

How dare this thing keep him from you. 

Lord Vader would not allow it. 

“Fortuneatly, your majesty…” Lord Vader began to say.

A bright flash of crimson filled the king’s gaze, followed by an excruciating pain. The king tried to scream, but his throat was so hoarse and broken that all that left it was a loud, strong rasp as he fell to the floor, rolling on his back to present himself to the heavens above, begging his maker above to save him. 

But no one came. 

Not even the maker himself would dare to oppose Lord Vader in that moment. 

After a moment of the king groaning in pain, Lord Vader finished his sentence. 

“You do not need all of your limbs to survive.” 

Opening his eyes and looking to the floor, the king confirmed his suspicions. There lied the king’s severed hand, cut off right in the middle of his forearm. 

It was horrific. 

But he had to endure. 

“I...I am-” the king stammered out, interrupted by his own coughs, “I am the king of this planet. I am king Chad Lothario Junichiro The Fifth. I will not be slighted by these attempts to-” 

The king was cut off again, but this time by another brilliant flash of crimson. With another twirl of his saber, Lord Vader severed the rest of his majesty’s arm, just below the dip of his shoulder. This earned another rasp of pain from the king, his face contorting as he saw the pieces of his arm littering the floor.

“Does that change your mind?” Lord Vader asked, feigning a sense of calm in his tone, masking out the boiling amount of rage that pounded through his body, making the sith lord see red. 

The king panted and gasped for a long moment before wheezing out his answer. 

“I… Y-Yes… just… no more, please…” 

Lord Vader felt a twang of satisfaction course through him, interrupting the currents of fury that crashed inside him. Deigniting his saber, he continued to bore his gaze down upon the king, unfazed by the pain he was in. 

He deserved it. 

He put you in harms way. 

Lord Vader would not allow it. 

“Good.” Lord Vader rumbled out with feigned pleasure, “Now speak. If you tell the truth, I will contemplate allowing you to keep the rest of your limbs.” 

The king nodded his head at a feverish pace, swallowing his saliva before speaking.

“I-I had my guards take her down the hallway… the last room at the end…” 

Lord Vader looked at the king for a long while. He could not sense any form of deceit coming from the king, so he trusted his intuition that the creature must be telling the truth. The dark’s lords fists balled once more as he thought of you in that room. Reaching out with the force, he honed in on your life force again. You were still alive, but not in good shape. Lord Vader’s breathing hitched as he pictured what could possibly be happening to you. 

You were alone. 

Scared. 

Helpless.

In pain. 

Everything Lord Vader wanted to shield you from. 

He was failing to do so. 

Lord Vader would not fail. 

Clipping his saber back onto his belt, the sith lord quickly turned on his heel and began to exit the room, his cape fluttering behind him from the speed. Reaching out with the force, Lord Vader hurled the doors open, startling the stormtroopers that were waiting outside. Poor boys. 

Reaching out once more with the force, Lord Vader manipulated it to latch an invisible hand upon the king’s ankle, the dark lord dragging his majesty behind him as he marched. 

Rumbling out a quick follow me, Lord Vader commanded the group of stromtroopers to follow beind him. Obeying his order, the men in white marched behind the sith, their blasters clutched tightly in their gloves. A few of them began to whisper amongst themselves, their blasters and helmets motioning to Lord Vader and the man he was dragging behind him. Ordinarily, the dark lord would have warned them off the consequences of not maintaining proper contact. 

But in that moment, he couldn’t care in the slightest. 

The only thing in the galaxy that Lord Vader cared about… 

The only thing in the universe that Lord Vader wished to pursue…

Was to get you safe. 

To return your small, fragile body to his side. To take you away from this awful place. To make sure you were safe. To take you back to his Star Destroyer. To return you to your station where you would never be harmed again. Where he could see you every day. Where he could speak to you every day. Where he could constantly know that you were safe. Where he could see you smile. Where he could hear you laugh. Where he could hold you in his arms without prying eyes… 

How he longed to deliver you to this fate. 

Looking at the door that obscured the sight of you from him, he was filled with an unprecedented, uncanny, unfathomable amount of rage, anger, and hate.

How dare they keep you from him. 

They would be destroyed, just like every person who tried to stop him. 

~~~

You didn’t stay blacked out for very long before you awoke again, the pain in your shoulder still throbbing. 

You slowly began to sit back up again as you heard the rebel woman’s voice again, causing you to frown. 

“Done with your nap, scum?” 

You scoffed, “Yes. Very refreshing.” 

The woman scowled and crossed her arms again, meeting your gaze as she looked down upon you. 

“Shut up. Now, are you gonna talk? Or do we have to encourage you some more?” 

You sighed, your brow furrowing, “I already told you, lady, I don’t-”

“LIAR.” the woman bellowed, cutting you off. She nodded to the guard with the shocker stick again, “Give her some more motivation.” 

You bit your lip and closed your eyes as you saw him draw closer, not wanting to give the rebels any satisfaction of seeing the fear on your face again. You felt your shoulders tense and your wrists strain against the bindings as you heard the shocker ignite. 

Was this it? 

Is this the final curtain? Your finishing bow. 

You didn’t know.

You didn’t want it to be. It was funny for you to admit it now, but there was still so much you wanted to do. You had never thought that you would think such a thing after joining the Empire, but so much had changed. You were happy. You were excited to greet each day. You were thrilled to fix things. You were overjoyed to repair broken TIE Advanced x1s. You were over the moon that you put on your uniform each day. Such a stark contrast to what life had been like before. 

He had changed that. 

You were oh so happy when it was you and him. You were finally able to truly connect with another soul. You were finally able to admit your deepest and darkest regrets and tell your oldest stories. You were finally able to converse with another human. You were finally happy. You were finally able to smile. You were finally able to laugh. 

All because of him. 

And now… you were scared. 

You were oh so frightened that you would never be able to experience anything with him ever gain. That you would never speak to him again. That you would never look at him again. That you would never be able to laugh with him again. That you would never be able to share a dance with him again. That you would never be able to tell stories with him again. 

That you would never be able to tell him… 

You felt a lump in your throat as the guard’s boots stomped closer to you, making you tighten your lips into a line. 

Your mind filled with images of him and nothing but him. 

Vader… you thought to yourself. 

You could feel the electricity emanating off of the stick. 

I hope… 

You think of me… 

When you fly again. 

I’ll be one of the stars. 

Please… 

Wave hi if you see me. 

A hot tear ran down your cheek, dampening the surface. 

I’m sure you’ll know which one I am. 

Bracing for impact, you tensed your shoulders as you squinted your eyes shut. 

Instead of being greeted with the sound of electricity being forced into your body, you were greeted by a much more startling one; one that made you shoot your eyes open and whip your head up to look at the door. 

Or, what used to be the door. It was now in wadded clumps on the floor. 

In the door’s place was a large plume of smoke. The smoke was quickly illuminated with thin streams of red. 

Blaster bolts. 

Were you dreaming?

The bolts scattered themselves across the room, ending their path in the walls around it. A few lucky bolts met their end in the chests of the two guards that had locked you in that room, making them drop dead to the floor. 

If they hadn’t taken you against your will, you would have been horrified. 

As the smoke settled, you were able to make out what was behind it. 

A quite large battalion of stromtroopers, their blasters aimed and hot from their recent barrage. 

And in the middle of them all, looming oh so much taller than the rest. 

Lord Vader. 

Your savior. 

You felt your heart swell with every emotion known to man as your eyes widened. 

You flexed your muscles as you began the motion to call to him and run to his side, forgetting you were chained to the floor. Thinking it over a moment longer, you decided to stay put. The symbol of the rebellion was now plastered so that Lord Vader could see it. 

You thought it best to let him deal with them on his own. At least for now. 

Somehow, the rebel woman had survived the onterouge of blaster bolts with only a hit to her shoulder, her hand now clutching the wound as she extended her free one to Lord Vader, a pistol within her grip and finger laced around the trigger. She glared right into Lord Vader’s mask as she tried to put on a brave face, but the panting in her breath revealed her true emotions. 

It was her who broke the tension. 

“Give me…” she said in between pants, “one good reason… as to not pull the trigger.” 

Lord Vader tilted his head to the side at this, saying nothing. He must have been amused. 

“I believe I have someone of importance to you, rebel.” Lord Vader eventually said, the sound of his voice like music to your ears. You could almost cry. You were so relieved that you were able to hear it again. 

The woman raised a brow in confusion. As if it were on cue, a stormtrooper with something in his grip stepped forward. Without any sense of care, he threw the object in his grasp down at the floor to the woman’s feet. Following it's path, your eyes widened as you were able to process what exactly it was. 

A severed hand, along with about half a forearm. 

Looking back up at the woman, you noticed how her glare had fallen off of her face, one of fear replacing it as her brown eyes widened. 

“Th… that’s…” 

“His majesty’s hand.” Lord Vader finished for the rebel woman, his voice flat. “If you wish for the rest of him to return to you, I suggest you return my mechanic to me at once. I assure you that your king is still alive.” 

The woman’s face contorted into a glare again, her pistol still pointed at the dark lord. 

“How do I know this isn’t a trick? How do I know?” 

Lord Vader paused a moment before speaking again. 

“You don’t.” 

The woman’s lips pursed as she contimplarted the deal, her pistol now shaking in her grasp. The tension in that room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It was almost suffocating. You could barely breathe. 

After a long pause, the woman lowered her blaster as she spoke.

“Okay… I accept.” 

Lord Vader tilted his head again at this. 

“Good. Now, give her back to me. Now.” 

The woman’s face contorting into a scowl and your cheeks staining pink, she kept her eyes on Lord Vader as long as possible as she knelt down to you, breaking you out of your bonds. Instantly, a pair of stormtroopers stepped forward and helped you to your feet, your body weak from the shocks. Wrapping your arms around the men’s shoulders, you looked to Lord Vader as they helped you limp over to their side. Flashing him a warm smile of thank you, I knew you would come, you noticed as his gaze followed you until he saw that you were right next to him again. 

Where you should always be. 

“Now, give me back Jun- I-I mean- give me back his majesty…” the woman demanded, pointing her blaster back to the dark lord. 

After a momentary pause of gazing at you, Lord Vader turned to another trooper, giving the nod of approval. The trooper nodding back, he signaled his other troops the okay. Within moments, a pair of other troopers drug in a barely conscious king into the room by his collar, throwing him down to the woman’s feet. Instantly, she knelt down and cradled the king in her arms, mumbling to him how she was sorry and such. 

“We are done here now, rebel.” Lord Vader spoke after a moment, forcing the reunion to a halt. Turning on his heel, Lord Vader walked close to the two stormtroopers who were helping you to stand as he exited the room. 

He did so, however, not before giving his troops one last command. 

“Kill them.” 

The sound of the barrage of blaster bullets that filled the room behind you was oddly comforting. 

~~~

His return to the Super Star Destroyer was not at all what he had imagined it to be. Nor was it what he wanted it to be. 

The shock stick that those filthy rebels used on you must have been extra strength. It was taking you a much longer time to recover as compared to other shock victims. You were barely able to stand on your own without wobbling and getting off balance. This was all not to mention the deep gash that had carved itself into your forehead. 

Lord Vader made the executive decision for you to spend at least two nights in the medical bay.

I just need to sleep it off, you had tried to protest, I’m fine. 

He would not have it. 

It was odd to see Lord Vader inside of the normal medical bay used for troopers and officers. Of course, he had his own medical bay that he would waltz in to and out of as he pleased. This was mostly due to the sheer complexity and amount of medical procedures that he needed to maintain homeostasis with his suit.

It was also due to him keeping his pride in tact by only letting as few people as possible know he was even capable of being injured. 

So, it was no shock that the nurse Lord Vader talked to was practically shaking in her boots. 

“I wish to see Miss (F/N) (L/N).” he said flatly to the nurse, paying no mind to how close she looked to shitting a brick right then and right there for everyone to see. 

“Y...Y-Yes, my Lord. R-Right this way…” she stammered out, gulping silently as she led the Dark Lord down the halls of the medical bay. She only stopped her scurrying once she led him to a door marked (L/N), (F/N). Pleased with her, Lord Vader dismissed her to carry on with her work, to which she practically ran back to her station. If he were anyone else in the galaxy, Lord Vader would have been offended. 

Reaching out his large hand to the panel adjacent to the doorframe, he pressed the glowing white button in the center. The door to your room then slid into the wall that encompassed it, allowing him in.

The sound of his respirator was much louder inside of the tiny room, the noise able to echo off the walls much faster. The room was very plain, with only the necessary equipment inside of it. The only other noise that emanated in the room was the occasional beep of the machine that was hooked up to you, signalling that you, indeed, still had a heartbeat. 

Lord Vader had hoped to converse with you upon his arrival. He was almost saddened to find out that he couldn’t. You were currently asleep upon the small bed in the center of the room, your lips parted slightly and your eyes closed. There was a bachata patch secured around the spot on your head where the gash had lain itself, as well as one on your shoulder where the shock stick had been pressed into you. Additionally, there were a plethora of sensors strapped to the flesh that ran up and down your arms. 

Lord Vader wanted to wake you. He wanted to coax you out of your sleep so that he could see your eyes, so that he could hear you talk. But, he knew better. He was to let you rest if you were to return to proper health. 

Yet, he was… disheartened. A phantom pain clenched his heart for a brief moment. 

Overtaken by the feeling, Lord Vader stepped closer to your bedside, his mask pointed right at your face as he watched you in your sleep. You looked so peaceful. He was grateful you had finally been able to rest. Reaching out his leather-bound hand, Lord Vader brushed a lock of hair out of your face as gently as he could, careful with the amount of force he used. Continuing the motion, the dark lord brushed the back of his mid-finger knuckles against the surface of your cheek, taking his time with trailing them down the surface. 

Maker above… 

You were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

But yet… 

Seeing you there in that cold, hard bed, with all the patches and wires coming off of your frame.... Hearing the beep of the machine behind him signal your heartbeat… Feeling how small your life force had been… 

It allowed an old friend to visit Lord Vader. 

Regret. 

If only he hadn’t brought you to that planet, none of this would’ve happened. Sure, you would be by yourself for a few days, but you would still be healthy. You would still be able to work. You would still be able to talk to him. You would still be able to smile. But no. He made you go on this trip. He made you attend those meetings and gatherings. He was the one who allowed you to slip into the hands of those rebels. 

Clenching his fist, another friend came to visit Lord Vader. 

Self-loathing. 

What in the galaxy was he thinking? He should have never taken you to that planet. All he wanted to do was to bring you someplace just as beautiful as you were. He wanted to see the look in your eyes and your smile as you got to see green for the first time in who-knows-how-long.

That’s all he wanted.

But not at all what he got. 

Lord Vader was speechless. He wanted to say something to your sleeping form, but couldn’t even begin to formulate the words of what he wanted to say. There were so many things he wanted to say to you, but every attempt he made to string them together seemed more idiotic than the last. So many feelings were bubbling inside of the sith lord, many of which he coudln’t describe. 

He didn’t know how to tell you about any of them. 

Yet… 

Watching your chest rise and fall… 

Watching your eyelashes flutter in your sleep… 

Watching your fingertips twitch…

He knew one thing. 

And oh how it pained him. 

He knew what he must do… 

To keep you safe. 

~~~

The nurses had said that you were asleep for about 18 hours when you finally woke up.

You were surprised, you didn’t think that it was possible to sleep that long of a time. Yet, there you were, doing the impossible. If it were under different circumstances, you would have almost been impressed. 

The nurses had removed the sensors from your arms as you sat up that afternoon, allowing you to move more freely as you ate the meal they gave you. Of course, it was rations. But, after being on that damned planet for so long and eating their food, rations had suddenly seemed to be the finest cuisine in the galaxy. 

You were watching a holovid of a news briefing when a knock came to your door, your cheeks puffed from your freshly taken bite. Hearing the door woosh open, you quickly chewed and swallowed the food so that you could talk to whoever had just entered without being rude. 

To say the absolute least, you were surprised to see a familiar face standing before you, datapad in hand just like before. 

The officer who gave you the assignment of Lord Vader’s mechanic. 

Was he a messenger for Lord Vader now? You were puzzled. 

“I am glad to see that you are finally awake, Miss (L/N).” the officer spoke, his eyes darting between you and the datapad. 

“Thank you, sir…” you mumbled back out in response. 

You paused a moment in contemplation before you continued on. 

“Sir,” you said, “If you don’t mind… could you please tell Lord Vader of my condition? I will be able to return to my station very soon, and-” 

“I’m afraid that will not be necessary, Miss (L/N).” the officer said, cutting you off. 

Your brow furrowed in confusion. 

“What? Sir, I… I don’t understand.” 

The old officer poked his datapad a few times before folding his hands behind his back, speaking out his response to you. 

You had thought that you were dreaming or hallucinating at the officer’s explanation. Your blood was cold, and your heart had felt like it stopped beating. 

It had to be a lie. 

“I’m afraid your time serving as Lord Vader’s mechanic is over, Miss (L/N). He has reassigned you. He has stated that you have completed your work on his TIE, and is no longer in need of your service. You are to return to Endor to your original station the day after tomorrow. I must say that I am impressed, Miss (L/N). I have never heard of someone completing such a task in such a short amount of time. I am certain that Endor will be quite pleased to have you return. You will be granted a small amount of severance for your time here, and will be respected immensely upon your arrival to Endor. I am certain your life there will be far better than the one you have experienced here on the Super Star Destroyer.” 

~~~

TAGS: @spaghetti-666 , @soullesstaco , @arsonistvoyager , @robin-obsessed , @glitter-rian , @captainrexstan , @easterncryptid , @deviatedwinter , @roseangel013bf , @danicalifxrnia , @dartheldur , @finest-trashbag , @yeah-boiiiiiiiiiii , @elongatedmusk-rat​ , @shads121 , @muffinbeliever , @sakuramadae​ , @padme-parker , @khapikat222  , @the-official-memester , @rens-angel , @obiwankenobiness , @yvette1703 , @breakfastpizzagalaxy , @missmannequin​ , @clearnostolgia​ , @scarletsinsandsnowwithetragedies​ 

[leaflingsystem]

Also, I wanted to just state what life personally is like for me living with DID.

its not as fun as people on tik tok make it seem. I dont know when im not fronting. I dont know who is when I'm not. I dont know my alters names or what their "system roles" are.

I dont remember whether we made a post in this or not, but im redoing this with the same metaphor if we have. its a nice metaphor i think.

sometimes im there, sometimes im not. sometimes its like.... its like you're on a road trip. in a tight car with people who you know nothing about but feel like you have known your entire life.

its hard to talk to them. Sometimes the radio is on and you dont talk. sometimes the radio loses signal and the car grows noisy. but its white noise; indistinguishable from each individual that sits amongst you. Everyone sounds like you but at the same time they dont. its like listening to a song thats just barely familiar but youve never heard before. with everything thats said its like you can almost, just barely, hear what's being said. its intelligible at best but you just *know* whats being said. its like a mutual understanding between you and yourself.

when the road gets bumpy, and your head grows heavy, you try not to fall asleep while driving. The signs grow blurry. Your eyes start closing. Its getting hard to look on ahead. The voices grow loud again. so loud that it drowns out the noises of the tires on gravel. The engine becomes muffles. and everything just stops. And just as suddenly as it all happens, you're in the passenger seat.

did you fall asleep at the wheel? did you crash while you were out? are you okay now?

you try to speak but you cant hear your own voice over the radio. you try to look around but its like you cant yake your eyes off the road. you're not the one driving, your hands arent the ones on the wheel, so how is the car still going??

you cant move. you cant move at all and it hurts so bad but at the same time its entirely painless. its like an internal pressure being applied to the outside of your skin. your head hurts just trying ti wrap itself around the situation. you try to tlak you try to move but you really just cant. the car is driving smoothly. the bumps in the road are gone. you feel scared and relieved at the same time; terrified that you have no control but glad that you weren't the one to navigate through the rocky terrain.

the minutes tick. the hours stall on by. you wonder if you're suck in the passenger seat now. While you now trust the person driving, you wonder if you can see them. you wonder if they exist. you wonder.

wondering is existential.

suddenly you're panicking again.

it was all okay. what happened. you trusted the person who took your place but suddenly you want to turn in them. did you invite them into your car or were they there already?? youve forgotten everything that lead up to you being on that rocky road from before. you've forgotten how you got out of the driver's seat to begin with. you wrack your brain trying to remember. you want to rip your head open to remember. did you miss any exits while you were out? when was the last time you ate? how many days has it been since you did anything?? have you even left the care since then?? is the car okay?? you want to just turn your head, turn around and look at your surroundings but you cant. you cant move you can hardly even breathe.

before you know it you're back in the drivers seat. youre in a full fledged panic because you dont remember. at this point you dont even remember panicking. did you ever even leave the drivers seat?? did anything prior even happen at all?? how much did you imagine and how much is real?? what even just happened??

its like an out of body experience. its like being there and being gone at the same time. its dissociation after depersonalization. you question who you are if you dont remember what you've done. its snapping back into reality without knowing you spaced out to begin with.

Dissociation is dangerous. Unfortunately, I've gotten into a lot of shit via dissociation. ive crashed my car before and not even known i was driving. ive ran red lights. ive cut people off. ive lost all sense of direction before. i just completely dissociate and i dont remember. its always sporadically. i never have control over it. ive turned to certain drugs in hopes it will help me focus. anything to just stop dissociating. anything at all. im scared one day this dissociation followed by near entire amnesia will cure itself

that type of mental stability is not one id wish on anyone. i dont know why you all want it so bad