strongand-calm

[yawnderu]

no bc i js saw ur “141 w an immortal reader” post and altho it was rlly silly, alternatively it could be so…sad

(this isn’t a req or anything, just me word vomitting) but like imagine the reader has to deal w someone in the task force dying (soap would obv fit here given mwiii) and the reader just has this like. realization that yeah, they’re in the military, and death is normal and everything, but despite one of their teammates dying, they’re still gonna have to go on.

until the end of time. until each one of their loved ones is dead.

SO YEAH IMMORTAL READER IS A VERY SILLY CONCEPT AND I LOVE IT BUT MY MIND IMMEDIATELY WENT TO THE MORE SAD SIDE KF IT 😭 IM SO SRY FOR SUBJECTING U TO THIS

(ily and all ur writing sm tho mwah)

Ahhh absolutely!! Immortal!Reader has a lot of material for angst, unfortunately :(((

Especially if her immortality isn't something that can be passed down to others, she'd have to deal with seeing everyone around her dying, becoming older and older each passing year without being able to do anything about it, that's how humans are.

She spent so long trying to stay alone and not warming up to anyone, only doing her job, yet the 141 knows that everything has cracks— how else does the sunlight get in? They broke down her walls more and more each year until she eventually accepts them in her heart, knowing these are highly trained and skilled men, and the chances of them dying on her are so small.

So small, but not 0. The second she sees Soap's body dropping to the floor, her heart almost stops. A blood curling scream leaves her lips as she rushes to him, not even caring about the bullets entering and leaving her body, nothing can stop her from getting to her best friend. Her Johnny.

She's heartbroken the moment she sees the blood pouring out of his head, knowing she's never getting him back. It's so easy for her walls to build again, guarding her from ever experiencing the same pain again and again. Would likely die of a heartbreak— just to come back to life seconds later, her pain just getting worse by the second.

If it wasn't for Simon having a talk with her, she would have left the 141 just to avoid seeing any of them die again. She's a lot more guarded, more quiet, doesn't laugh at Simon's jokes anymore and only attends team celebrations if she's practically forced to.

It's not fair. Not fair for her friends to die when she's stuck being here forever. The survivor's guilt would be absolutely awful, especially if any other 141 men die.

[innocencelives]

late night/early morning trauma episode-talking to myself diary TW

the liberating truth vs the indelible pain of knowing

ultra rough night. the day was fine, woke up painfully fatigued as always, tried to work on art and literally spent 3 hours messing w a project accomplishing not one thing-i actually reversed progress. noticed how anxious i was, hands shaking, heart beating, no reason at all.

ordered food after, even though i rlly rlly shouldnt bc im so fucking low on money this month but, as a friend once said, if thats the only way i can eat, i deserve food.

but it all spiraled the second i tried to go to sleep. did my routine-fix the sheets, close the curtains, close the window, 2 puffs of cbd, 2 hydroxizine pills, take all the night meds, cpap mask, then bra used as eye mask, then headphones playing jazz w my computer on my floor, phone charging w do not disturb on

immediately my mind went to trauma. recently ive tried to understand that my debilitating, life ruining sleep disorders might partially be bc of my cptsd, its not normal to be so terrified of sleeping. so i started to recount memories, feelings, thoughts in a stream of conciousness kind of way. saying every thought and feeling and memory the second they came to my brain, and led their way to next one.

an avalanche of childhood followed-all in the details. tiny things, random things, good or bad, feelings-good or bad. just allowing myself to jump from thing to thing with no pressure. i actually remember so much! i say before 9 i remember nothing, and thats sort of true, but it becomes unbelievably fragmented and scattered, ive struggled to compartmentalize or see any of it in a clear way. so much life, a whole life, an entire life. one that i avoid at all costs nowadays.

i saw it in many, many, random fleeting pieces-images, sometimes vague or blurry, bizarre specific feelings and moments. so much was so so normal, or at least innocuous. and other memories were like this dark, blurry underbelly peppered throughout-those “memories” if you can even call it that, are dream like.

they come in and out of focus, often with obscured pieces, missing heaps of context, sometimes the image or feeling felt like looking at a pile of puzzle pieces across a floor. the line between fact, feeling, and some kind of surreal dream state in those memories are quite permanently blurred. sometimes i had a word, and nothing else; a feeling, and nothing else; a few blurry polaroids with hardly any explanation. i didn’t force anything, i just let them come and go. i let myself become psychotic, innocent, furious, despondent, one after the other. i didnt contain myself, or filter myself, or lead myself any which way.

its not supremely abnormal to have a childhood that is almost entirely normal except for moments of intense, abrasive, shocking, perverse trauma. the mundane and the gruesome coalesce until neither really feel unique or special. its hard when i feel my body desperately trying to steer me away from some horrors. its also quite natural for a childs undeveloped mind to see disturbing experiences in a surreal lense. fairytales, nightmares, a child can dream fluidly so when they experience hell they try to contextualize it within a fantasy. its really hard to put into words. try to imagine someone took a memory of yours, removed tons of random bits of it, put it in a jar and furiously shook it up, dumped it all over the floor, took of your glasses and told you to recount it.

so many vacillating emotions… i feel such pain right now after this experience. my sexuality is so permanently disturbed. permanently tainted and built up in the image of my abuse. one moment i was proud to be a toy, the next i was heartbroken, the next i wanted to scream, the next i felt sexual attraction to my abuser. a whirlwind, a thought storm.

im understanding how i have this dissociative aspect with recalling my abuse. mostly i remember nothing, but sometimes im forced to remember everything. when i remember nothing i feel frustrated at this confusion and mystery, and when i remember everything i beg and plead to forget. the shock of my abuse destroys me. people have said to me, im remembering now, that sometimes ill tell them about an instance of abuse and then later ill say i dont remember anything. it comes out in the most bizarre ways-like cracks through a door, repairing itself as soon as i look. a song i wrote, a conversation i had, a feeling i relate to, an image glued in my brain with literally 0 context, a detail without anything around it.

theres parts of me that know. wow i feel so overwhelmed right now. god those images i started to face tonight. tiny tiny puzzle pieces i fit together-life ruining. i was thinking, why did i ever remember my abuse. why did i ever follow those breadcrumbs, sure i was broken before. but this, what was to come, seeing my life for the SVU episode it was, everything toppled and imploded. my whole life spiraled, everything fell apart, i lost any and all future i was walking towards

10 years ago. a decade, a whole decade. 10 years since my pretty little life broke into a million pieces. an angsty rebellious teenager, thats whatever. who cares. a teen dealing with sex abuse, then a homeless 18 year old, then a disabled mental patient, then a magnet for sexual trauma, then a homeless 22 year old, now a 26 year old-visibly, completely, totally disabled and rendered incapable of functioning normally. i really went from an angsty teen, to a pitiful cripple in a decade. a mental health cripple mostly-same dif.

the excruciating, stomach churning word on the tip of my tongue. the tip of my brain at all times. how, how can i wake up everyday knowing what happened to me? how can i forever be-a victim of incestous rape. those are the words. some of the words, glued to the insides of my brain, tattooed and etched and carved into my skin, indelible and perhaps fatal. im no longer liberated by that truth. or at least, right now im not. right now im punched in the guy by it. overwhelmed and screaming in pain from it. a truth. i dont have words. this life story sometimes feels avoidable, but it just wasnt. if i didnt understand it then, my life would have just collapsed at some other point.

this was my experience, this is my story, i wish with all my soul it could have turned out differently. i dont want to know anymore. i dont want this truth anymore. and here i am sitting with those words. a permanent mark, a permanent memory, an indelible scar, a life defining and life encompassing truth. and yet, and yet, not a death sentence. perhaps… not a terminal condition. perhaps, it is context, for all the places im sure to go. there is a future inside me. a future, a life, a beautiful beautiful life i can feel. im building it, im not broken. maybe i am broken, maybe i have lost a leg, but perhaps, i am a paralympian. perhaps, i am a paralympian.

[kmgkmg]

long ask incoming !!! (-⛺️)

“You’re the one that wanted us to date quietly and we broke up just as quietly. Now, let go of me quietly.”

“Yes, he misses you more than anything. But no, he knows that you don’t feel the same. So maybe, it’s time for him to follow your wishes and let go of you.”

its actually so over . im devastated, heartbroken, never eating sushi again (joke) (half joke i feel the devastation) (actually going crazy over these lines) this fic was so good 😭😭😭 the fact that ww wasnt over them but they were over him, the fact that they moved on but he didn’t, the fact that he only decided to move on was when he saw that they moved on????? wow . wow . i need a moment to think about this (head in hands) (will reread tonight for the full angst™️ experience) BUT THE MOODBOARDS??? theyre so good i especially love the one with wonwoo in it because the colors??? the way it all matches im in love w it

OKAY anyways!!! after reading the playlist breakdown i think that all the songs really fit the smau, but i feel like these songs fit the best or have the biggest impression for me (thoughts for first 5 only because im running out of words to describe it all but i love all of them) (not in any order)

1. sugarcoat (natty solo) - i <3 kiss of life and this solo is SOOOO good (this is actually the song that got me into the playlist so i think that this rlly fits the vibe aswell)

2. haunt me & stiff - i read the two lyric excerpts from the breakdown while listening to them and it was so??? it perfectly fit both yn and shua’s povs like my jaw dropped when it clicked in my head

3. not my job - I RECOGNIZED IT WHEN I READ THE SECOND CHAPTER I WAS LIKE “wait a damn??? minute????? am i reading this correctly????”

4. lemondrops - “one that definitely shows the dynamic between reader and joshua when they were close. the closeness that both of them miss.” MY YNSHIE 💔💔💔💔💔💔 this song makes perfect sense because that’s literally them??? its literally their song??? that specific closeness described in this song cannot/can rarely be replicated for anyone else and it probably hurt for the both of them before the events of back to us happened 🙁🙁🙁

5. back to us - VIBEEE VIBE complete vibe this song is so good!!!! i love that i found out about the two artists from this song & this playlist and i completely agree this song is the embodiment of joshua <33 i also rlly like how the title of this is also the title of the series so i can remember it easily

honorable mentions: gotta get back, lucky (the “lucky im in love with my best friend” incident 😭😭😭😭) and the entire playlist because i love it sm 🫶🫶🫶

i feel like i have to do another ask for the unused photos (😭😭😭) thank you sm if you read this and im REALLY really sorry again for another long ask 😭😭🫶🫶

-⛺️

reply under the cut hehee

i'm glad you liked the wonwoo piece!!! it definitely came to me after thinking about his elle man shoot and then elle released an interview and i was like :O it's fate!! idr when he said he enjoyed sushi...i think it was something with scoups and they were like, wonu is a sushi lover and i was like 😗 time to include that in a future fic...the future fic ended up being yes no maybe lol!

you pointing out the part that is like,

“Yes, he misses you more than anything. But no, he knows that you don’t feel the same. So maybe, it’s time for him to follow your wishes and let go of you.”

is sooooo wild to me because i almost didn't include it!!! my friend said it showed his emotions/inner monologue though so i kept it in!! because the title is from suzy's yes no maybe but i alr included him saying yes no maybe in the interview part so i didn't know if it was redundant to do it again!

and thank youuuuu!!! i don't often add idols in my moodboards but when i do find aes pics, and they match with other photos? the best feelingggggg. (still not over this doyoung mb i made 4ever ago)

YOUR TOP 5555555 AHHHHHH!!!!!

1...omg so glad i used sugarcoat as the second opening track then!! i knew natty since i got into twice in 2016 but an ex friend really stanned natty HARD since she was also thai, but like sugarcoat is TOO good!!!! seriously one of the best kpop releases of 2023 imo! 2...the lyrics of still KILL MEEEEEEE!!! they're so representative of joshua's emotions i cannot...also rini...i mean his lyrics always are so good! 3...KAJSFDKJN THAT LINE IS TEW GOOD!!! i almost used it as reader's line instead of joshua's but in all honesty...i blanked on how to incorporate it into their dialogue. 4..."that specific closeness described in this song cannot/can rarely be replicated for anyone else and it probably hurt for the both of them before the events of back to us happened 🙁🙁🙁" THIS THIS THISSSSS!!!!!!! they were each other's safety. each other's support. it really comes full circle during taking inventory/back to us since reader doesn't have to be alone during thunderstorms anymore. 5...I KNEW i wanted to include a jeremy passion song and when i listened through his discography, this one definitely stood out the most! i wanted the title to be vague but also hopeful, although the song lyrically has a different vibe, i'm v happy w selecting the song i did! also really happy i could introduce you to new artists through this playlist!!

if i had to pick my top 5 it would be...

1...back to us: it's the series' title for a reason 🤭 2...like i feel: xavier omär's music makes me feel things, i mean this was on loop when i was writing so many parts for the buildupppp 3...blur: the song's vibe is bright but also helped me flesh out the emotions joshua was experiencing!! 4...lemondrops: obviously i have to include the track that started it 5...still: similar to your reasoning, it just suits joshua and reader's dynamic so well

again, no need to apologize for long asks!!! i enjoy reading your messages sm 🫶💞

[sugared-violets]

ugh i'm stuck in this awful limbo where some small part of me is still hoping he'll come back and apologize for everything and love me again even as most of me genuinely wants to never see his face again

[mintgki]

ꜱᴜᴄᴋꜱ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴜᴄᴋ ʟᴏʟ

Summary: You’re on average a loser. A loser with 3 friends, no money, no bitches and nobody even rlly likes you. So what? Turn to therapy? Nah. You turn to start pretending to be a huge hacker on ROBLOX to scam people out of their in game items. Though, when you scammed someone out of their precious neon unicorn pet in Adopt Me, they start throwing a tantrum online. Who knew it would gain SO much attention?

————C29//“Big a*s feet”(+written)

= NARRATOR POV;

Passing possibly 3 red lights, Mingi was determined to get there early. What if you were there waiting? What if he could surprise you by being there first? It was pretty thrilling for him knowing he was about to meet his little online crush, even if he did now know exactly who she was.

After parking Mingi found himself relaxing in the lounge area and entertained himself by watching idiots trip and fall from their skates. Hasn’t heard a word from you and hasn’t even caught a glimpse of what could’ve been you. Sure, he was possibly 15 minutes early but he still hoped to have seen you a bit sooner. That thought stuck for 5 more minutes.

Then soon stayed for 15.

Then to 25.

Then to 30.

45 Minutes. It’s all about to close now.

What the hell. Did you just stand him up? Why?? What was the point of asking if you didn’t go at all?. Mingi kept overthinking it. His head hurt like hell, but even so, he didn’t wanna leave so soon yet without a word from you. Though he just couldn’t bring himself to send anything. He felt so bummed out and slightly heartbroken. With a sound of a buzz, he saw his phone lit up and to his dismay, it was you. He wanted to ignore you and block you so desperately but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He barely knows you, yet you have him so wrapped around your finger.

Who does that kind of thing? As far as he was aware, the date started when he sat down.

That touched his heartstrings a little bit, but he won’t admit that. Still, he chose to believe you and just sat and waited. Watching people leave felt draining, even after seeing how now the whole place was empty. It felt a bit awkward for him to still be inside but he wanted to at least hear out your explanation before he stormed out the building like a chaotic Karen.

Feeling drained of this annoying cat and mouse play, he lifts his head up to see a girl with a mask on starring directly at him. She leaned on the desk with her chin rested on her palm, then brought up her other hand to lightly wave towards me.

It felt a lot better now, knowing how much effort you put into all this for him. It was kinda cute watching you scurry away into the employee’s only door. After seeing you walk back out he noticed your difference in height. You were a lot taller than earlier? Confused, he looked down and noticed you in a pair of skates with another pair in your hand. You looked so adorable skating up to him for the first time.

= YOUR POV;

“Hi.” Was all you could get out with the way Mingi looked up at you from his seat made you a bit nervous but excited all at the same time.

“Hey. Cute uniform.” Mingi chuckled as he poked fun at your attire.

“Hahaha Lmao. So funny.” You laced with sarcasm.

“You say lmao in real life? Nerd” rolling his eyes as he makes fun of you.

you shove the pair of skates into his chest and toss him a pair of socks to the face.

“You ever skated before?”

“No not really.” His tone was definitely shaken.

“I’ll guide you through it. It shouldn’t be that hard”

It was.

It took Mingi around 40 minutes to get the hang of it with him falling and screaming multiple times. You found it utterly hilarious and even sometimes pushed him on purpose just to see a 6’0 man vulnerable. It was your cup of tea entirely.

After he got the hang of it, you guys settled on skating around together. You showed him some tricks, he fell trying to mirror them. He pushed you while you both we’re just gliding around, so for revenge you grabbed both of his hands and spun him around like a disco ball.

“STOP IM ABOUT TO THROW UP” Mingi shrieked in fear.

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PUSHED ME THEN??”

“YOU PUSHED ME FIRST?”

“SO WHAT?”

“MY WRISTS ARE GETTING SORE”

…

“DO YOU STILL WANNA KNOW MY NAME?”

It was silent for a few seconds, definitely weird timing since you we’re both spinning way too fast for both your standards.

“IT’S Y/N. WEIRD TIMING BUT I WANTED TO GET IT OUT THE WAY.” You we’re just yelling at this point.

“..WOULD YOU BE UPSET IF I TOLD YOU I ALREADY KNEW?” He yelled right in front of your face.

“MY FRIENDS KIND OF SNITCHED ON YOU IN OUR GROUPCHAT. SORRY.”

“YOUR FRIENDS KNOW ME??” You say with confusion written all over your face.

“NO. THEY KNOW MINA AND I GUESS SHE TOLD THEM”

You started to go wayy too fast. You both were definitely dizzy.

“WAIT SLOW DOWN.” You yelled at him, slightly panicking.

“I’M GONNA FALL” Mingi shrieked out as his body started to tilt.

“THEN FALL BACKWARDS. YOU’LL LITERALLY SMASH ME TO DEATH.”

You both end up falling together. Mingi was never really that great at following directions, so he fell on top of you.

“Ow.” Mingi groaned in pain

“Why are YOU saying ow? I basically broke your fall.”

“Sorry not sorry. You’re the one who started spinning us.” He rolled his eyes, obviously complaining.

“Thanks for the safe landing though.”

“Ew.”

“I didn’t mean it that way, you’re so dirty minded.”

“All I said was ew?” You deadpanned.

The date continued on for 20 more minutes. Neither of you wanted to leave but it was late. Mingi walked you to your car, lingering onto your presence a little longer. Both of you enjoyed your time together.

…

Previous | Masterlist | Next

[shangchiswife]

SAW THAT YOU NEEDED REQUESTS AND IM HERE

hello love ur stories first of all so <3 much love

LOVED THR AU WHERE IT WAS THE NWH VILLANS X READER AND THEY ALL SHARE AN APARTMENT

if it’s not too much to ask, may i request a nwh villains x fem!reader? (maybe more of an otto x reader but that’s up to you!) reader is a very motherly-like and doting character; always helping around and always acting like a sister/mother to some of them; very selfless and compassionate; drapes a blanket over those who fell asleep, sometimes brew coffee for otto when he’s staying up late, cooking breakfast, lunch, and sometimes maybe even dinner for them!!! surprising them with so much love because they honestly deserve it more than anybody,,, ty i love ur stories

i wrote this rlly fast so i'm rlly sorry if this isn't what you wanted i hope you enjoy <3

summary: you take care of all of the villains but you have a particular problem with otto

nwh villains x gn! reader otto octavius x reader

warnings: none

word count: 620

When the villains from other multiverses came out of nowhere, distraught and helpless, it was your time to shine.

While Peter was trying to find physical cures for their issues, you decided to help them mentally.

Each of the men had their own insecurities to tackle and weren't accustomed to love which was exactly what you were going to give them.

You helped every single one of them with the power of your love.

You would bring them blankets, hug them constantly, and cook them their favorite meals because you genuinely wanted to help them.

The only person that you had a problem helping out with was Otto Octavius.

Even with his inhibitor chip fixed, he was very cold and distant towards you, and you never quite understood why.

You were always kind and tried to show affection towards him by always smiling brightly at him and trying to make conversation, but he would always respond with unamused grunts.

You never tried to hug him because you didn't want him to be upset with you.

The other villains had looked at you sympathetically and told you that it wasn't your fault, and it was just that he was still heartbroken over the loss of his wife, Rosie.

When they told you, your jaw dropped.

You were so surprised and felt so horrible for him.

Otto sat on the couch one day with the rest of the people as they watched the movie Peter put on for them.

You went up over to him and sat next to him and Norman who immediately smiled at your arrival.

"Hi Y/N, we're just watching Star Wars," he smiled as you embraced him tightly making Otto shift uncomfortably from beside you.

"If you're going to be all lovey-dovey can you do it somewhere else," the older man rolled his eyes.

Bravely, you turned around and cocked your head to the side.

"Look Otto if you wanted one of my hugs too you could've just asked," you said as you practically tackled him with a warm hug.

Otto's brown eyes widened as the rest of the people in the room all stared at you with shock.

The last time he had been hugged was when he was with Rosie.

Tears pricked his eyes as he hugged you back.

He had always brushed you away because it hurt physically to be around you because your selflessness reminded him of Rosie.

But you weren't Rosie, you were Y/N.

When you felt his arms wrap around you tightly you were shocked and so happy.

"I'm so sorry Y/N for the way I treat you," he buried his face into your shoulder as he let out a sob.

You pet his hair and your heart cracked at his outburst.

"I swear I don't mean to. You are a wonderful person and I appreciate everything you do it's just that you remind me of someone," he croaked.

"You don't have to explain anything to me," you continued to comb through his hair in an attempt to comfort him.

"Thank you for being you, Y/N. I'm sure everyone can say that you are a gift and we all love and appreciate you," he took his head off of your shoulder so that he could lock eyes with you.

His beautiful brown eyes still had tears slipping from them.

From beside you, Norman put a hand on your shoulder and kissed your cheek.

Flint, Max, and Curt all came next to Otto to look at you and smile.

"We love you, Y/N," they said in unison as a smile broke across your face and you brought them all in a massive group hug.

"I love you too,"

[ratanslily]

Irreplaceable

pairing: bryce lahela x f!mc (Dr. Theia Valentine)

genre: angst but with happy ending.

about the fic: im just giving bryce's premium scene some closure ♡

inspo: this post by @ofpixelsandscribbles

a/n: I've never written for my mc before oof i hope i did her justice!! honestly this fic was so rushed (like all my fics lmao, i write on impulse, not meticulous planning and its a self indulgent fics so i dont rlly expect people to read because i kinds wrote it for my own sanity)

"We should do this much, much more often"

"Agreed."

Bryce looked around the on-call room. So much changed, the beds, the technology,  the lights... and maybe them. or maybe he was the one who changed.

Theia smiled and took his hand in his, beckoning him to accompany him back to the party. He slowly removed her hand away from his and took a step back. his face grew serious as he said,

"its.. probably not a good idea"

"why?"

"its just.. I don't know.. just go ahead, without me, I dont want to draw attention to us."

Theia could tell there was much more to Bryce's strange behaviour. Ever since they started their third year, she could see something was wrong with him, something was troubling him. but when they'd get intimate, all worries would go away and he'd get back to his normal self.

so what happened?

"so it's all a game to you, isn't it?"

"wh-what?"

"you don't need me.. you just want me to satisfy your needs"

"liste-"

"No, Dr. Lahela.  listen to me.", Theia raised her voice as her eyes started glistening with fresh tears.

"was it all a game to you? I thought we had something special.. something unique.. something homely.. when you dropped your fries just to kiss me..when you comforted within these same 4 walls, when we longed to feel each other when I was sick, when you walked me home after the funeral.. I guess I was a fool, I was just a distraction to you, wasn't it?"

she turned on her heels and made way to the door. Before her hands could even touch the handle, she felt Bryce's shaking hand on her shoulder.

"Theia.. please. please stay."

"what for?"

as much as she wanted to resist, she turned back to find Bryce on the verge of tears, with a face full of longing for her.

---

Bryce never hated anything more than the sight of Theia in pain. tonight, he made her cry.

He never meant to hurt her. but he always knew this day would come, especially since they started their third ywar of residency. He knew she and him would end up on different paths.

so why try? why grow close, just to fall apart? kiss, just to say goodbye? make memories, just to move on and forget them?

but he fell,  he fell hard for her. against his best wishes. he found himself caring more for her rather than himself. he found her tears as his own. maybe more painful than his own. when he found her alone on the floor, crying all by herself, he couldnt stop himself from comforting her, feeling the same hurt as she did. they grew closer faster than he imagined, but he loved every second of their relationship.

the day he saw Theia behind the glass walls, trying to reach for him, he aligned his hand on hers, with a glass wall between them. he needed her more than ever in that moment. that night, when he sat by her side, close but not close enough, he felt it.

he felt it surging thru his veins.

he felt love.

but he didnt admit it, for the fear of rejection.

he thought of himself as someone who was easily replaceable, someone who was just a second option to others, never the priority.

little did he know, all Theia wanted is, him by her side, no one else. She never thought of him as the second option, but as the only option.

---

Theia softened at the sight of him holding back his tears and silently cursed herself for being the reason behind his tears.

"im sorry for being so loud, but tell me one thing, Bryce. Do you even need me anymore?"

her words struck him right in the heart.

"if you dont have any answer, I'll go. I'll never bother you again.."

He looked right into her eyes, feeling more vulnerable than ever.

As the tears gently rolled down his cheek, he said,

"I need you, Theia. I need you by my side. I need you to be by my side at every moment of my day, not just at fancy rich parties, but by my side when i wake up to find you curled up in the sheets,  when I make coffee for us and you scoff at the amount of sugar i put in our latte, when there's something on my cheek during lunch and you offer to kiss it off. when i have trouble sleeping at nights and you offer to cuddle me until i feel safe. when i hate the movie you pick, and doze off with my head of your shoulder. I would always need you. But.. what if.. one day.. we don't need each other anymore?"

"what if one day.. say when you've completed your third year here and get a job in a place far away, away from me, away from us. what if there's no "us" anymore? what if you find someone better? what if one day, i end up badly heartbroken, if you ever do so? better keep my distance to lessen the pain, isnt it? Im replaceable, after all."

She couldn't believe the words he said, the feelings he was going through. She felt more horrible than ever for lashing out at him when he felt all of this.

She held his hand, and guided him to one of the beds.  they sat down together,  with her head on his shoulders. Tonight, roles were reversed, she was the one comforting him.

"I didn't know you felt all of this, and im sorry that I misjudged your behaviour."

she rubbed his arms, soothingly and continued,

"I dont know how to tell you this, but i can never go away from you, ever. for physically we may be apart but emotionally and mentally,  i find my home and my residence in your heart. I just-"

she took a deep breath.

"I just love you so much. I dont want you to drift apart from me. and from us. I maybe  a doctor and such sentimental stuff may sound crazy, coming outta my mouth but, I just want to make one thing clear."

she carefully removed her head from his shoulders and turned to look at him.

"Dr. Bryce Lahela, your name is engraved in my every heartbeat. Other people may try to change it, but I know they're gonna fail, as I don't love anyone else apart from you. Do i make this clear?"

Bryce's lips curled into his classic beautiful smile as he started to speak, but Theia cut him off.

"and you better not call yourself replaceable next time, or im gonna punch you so hard."

she playfully punched him, earning a hearty laugh from him.

"Now, now Valentine, would you give me the mic to talk?"

She nodded and he continued.

"I don't think I expected a love confession to be in the very room we hooked up, ans honestly its kind of iconic, though i expected a few roses and all that glam..."

".. but you're enough to make my heart leap with joy. No roses needed, no chocolates required."

he took a moment to choose his words,

"I may be good at giving prep talks and all that stuff, but wow, I suck at this. Its probably cause i never did this before.. so let me get to it.. I love you too, Theia."

Theia crashed her lips into his for a fulfilling kiss as they both shared tears of joy,  finally confessing their love after 2 years of pure longing and messing around.

"Whew, who thought these simple 4-5 words would be so hard to say?"

She simply nodded as she wrapped her hands around his for those precious moments of bliss and joy.

yes, the walls, the beds, the room and the infrastructure around them changed, but they were still the same 2 people as from before,  with the same love and feelings in their heart.

and no amount of change could ever change that.

[jojo-reader-hell]

hello !! may i request some cute ass secco shit 👉👈 like (chubby?) reader is just rlly down on her luck and not feeling good at all (i recently was shocked by an electric fence and am still recovering!) and he just,, snuggles w them and makes them happy :)? i LIVE for ur writing and i binged it all last night

bREH. I DIDNT READ THIS FULLY AND I REALIZED THAT YOU GOT SHOCKED AND IM LIKE WHAT????? DID U GO TO THE DOCTOR???? ARE YOU OK???? WHA WHA WHA WHA WHAAAAAA?!? IM FLATTERED BUT DUDE??????!??????!???? ARE YOU OK?????

It’s moments like these, when his pupils dilate and amethyst eyes soften into a deep indigo, that it almost feels like old times again.

“I have something for you.”

He crawls towards you. Even though he doesn’t seem to remember anything about you, something in his behavior towards you makes you hold out hope. Maybe the love of your life is still in there?

“Gimme.”

It’s his voice. That beautiful, gravelly voice that would wake you up in the middle of the night craving your love like water. Even though his sentences are stunted, a toddler’s vocabulary, his voice hasn’t changed a bit.

Maybe there is one part of him deep inside that your ex hadn’t managed to corrupt.

Your ex had already decided that evidently if you couldn’t be happy with him, you wouldn’t be happy with anyone. And it hurt all the worse because you loved him, stupid idiot that you were you still loved your ex unconditionally from the first moment you kissed him to the fifth time he broke up with you. Years of taking you back and dumping you violently only to knock on your door and take you back into the madness again, it was starting to take its toll on your mental health. Yet when he ignored you for months, a hell of a lot longer this time than ever before, combined with the things he’d told you about your weight and looks, you hated yourself for wishing he would chase after you and take it all back like he used to.

Eventually you did move on. It was hard. But you had no other choice left. You got tired of his litanies of lies. Your ex wasn’t going to change, not when the problems he had had been there since the beginning and stayed for nearly seven years. You moved on, heartbroken after he yet again told you about what he thought was wrong with you and why you needed to go. This time it was because you were too fat. No one would love a slob like you he said. Big words coming from a man with a PHD that still dyed his hair and did his makeup with dimestore product.

“Then I’m done with you, and this time I mean it!” You screamed at him. “I’m tired of never being good enough for a loser like you.”

Evidently he was a sore loser. Of course he was. It was him causing all this pain, you realized now that it never was you to begin with. He tried to take you back. Did his usual spiel of knocking on your door with flowers in his hands and a promise on his lips only to find himself speechless when your new boyfriend answered the door to tell him to back off. Your ex had a fragile mental state, a god complex that required constant feeding. This only made it worse, and your blatant ignorance of his obsessive behavior to win you back made him spiral out of control. The last straw had been when your new boyfriend proposed to you, taking a muscular knee on the pink sands of Spiaggia Rosa, a modest ring with a pink diamond in his large hands.

Your ex would have never done anything so extravagant.

“I… I made this for you…”

Your fiancé’s eyes were soft because you were holding out a small token to him. A folded paper ring, something you made from a scrap of lined paper you’d managed to fish out of the trash littering the prison your ex kept you in. You’d tried to reason with your ex, bargaining the release of your fiancé if he couldn’t let you go too. You were so proud of the way your lover fought back in the beginning. He scratched, clawed and bit like a rabid cat to protect you, until one day he came in crawling into the closet you were held hostage in, licking your ex’s shoes like a mongrel and honest to god growling at you like a beast. Whatever your ex did to him, be it give him a stupid new name to match his or something worse, you would never know. All you knew was that instead of holding you to his chest and murmuring about how much he loved you and would protect you until the day he died, he now threw sharp objects at you and bit at your skin hard enough to draw blood.

But sometimes, like now, he would come to you. Soft steps, gentle as a kitten walking on dainty paws, to accept what little trinket you gave to him. It was little things like this, folded paper, trying to remind him of the little gestures you did together as a couple. He was so dexterous with his hands, precise, wanted to be a visual artist or a film editor. Something he could do with his hands or his talent with precision. Whereas before your previous relationship would only spend time with you after pulling teeth, your fiance always came over to do something creative like this, teaching you to cook a new dish or to paint or to build, even teaching you new ways to show affection with your hands.

He taught you to make the paper rings before he proposed. Maybe to give you a hint? Excited when he saw the gleam in your eye as you successfully made a (rather wretched looking) paper ring during your date.

Now his eyes looked almost familiar. Pupils dilated, holding the paper ring in those familiar big hands.

“Pretty.” He told you, placing it on the finger where in another life you would have put a wedding band. “It’s pretty.”

You were so hopeful. He hummed, putting a battery back in a video camera and pointing it everywhere except at you.

He looked to you after a while, and you whispered his old name.

“Nuh-uh…” he grunted, then tapped his chest with his hands. “Secco...! Secco!”

Your heart sank. After all you tried, it seemed that he’d never drop that new persona your ex gave him. At the beginning you’d press it, keep reminding him that he was yours and you loved him, but when it just ended up in you being hurt physically and mentally, you stopped.

What can you do? What else can you say? Your life is this now: existing in this closet and being tortured in the worst possible of ways, and there’s nothing to make the one you love come back. He’s trapped in that facade.

The world is hopeless. The world is dark and there is no light to be found.

You want to let it swallow you whole, until you feel something wrap around you, a whimper in your ear of your name that you only heard when he wasn’t Secco.

“Please…” he murmured in your ear. “Secco… I’m Secco… Need to be Secco… For you. I love you. Need to… have to keep you safe…”

[wonderlustlucas]

four - hwang hyunjin

⇢ prompt They say good things come in fours. Who? Couldn’t tell you, but they especially do during Christmas. Maybe that’s just Saint Nick. ⇢ pairing hyunjin x female reader ⇢ word count 11.7k ⇢ genre fluff ⇢ warnings swearing. mentions of alcohol & s e x. teenagerz being teenagerz. insane amount of fluff & stupidity. kind of ends w a smutty cliffhanger. ⇢ summary After suppressing how you felt about Hyunjin back in high school, you thought you were done going back on your feelings. Turns out, a little time apart, the spirit of Christmas, and an accidental nap is the perfect cocktail for falling in love with your best friend.—friends to lovers!au ⇢ a/n hello & merry christmas! here is a gift for you all on this very merry day. also, thank you for 1,000 followers! that in itself is one of the best presents i could ask for. thank you for all your kindness & support on my blog & for following me in the first place! it truly means so much to me. i hope you enjoy reading! ♥︎

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Sorry! I just woke up

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Whats wrong fool

big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇[now] Did u rlly think 12 texts were gonna wake me up?🤦🏻‍♂️ godt damn u on some WACK shit

You roll your eyes in time with each consecutive text that Hyunjin sends, waiting for the lock screen of your phone to blacken after reading them. He’s about as useless as pedals on a wheelchair, you think, ignoring the texts and forcing the device into the snug back pocket of your jeans before transferring the last two excessively packed grocery bags into the trunk of your car with an exhausted huff. Christ, if the bagging lady put one more item in those bags, she would be the one to blame for six cans of soup rolling about the parking lot.

The license plate rattles when you slam the trunk lid closed before hurrying around to the driver’s side and anxiously hopping inside to start blasting the heat. It is obnoxiously chilly for the first of September. Well, not really. Your body is just beginning to get used to the ungodly wrath of summer’s sweltering heat leaving you in a constant state of sweat and nausea for the past three months. Not that you’re complaining, of course. You nearly did somersaults of joy when the morning news reported a temperature of sixty-one degrees with some wind gusts and welcomed the beginning signs of autumn with open arms.

You would never admit to Mom who told yo uon the way out to change out of a tank top or at least wear a jacket, but yes— you are, in fact, cold. But now you have godsent warmth blowing from the vents and the seat warmer on its highest setting beginning to thaw away the goosebumps painted on your skin. Giving your arms one last rub, you lean up enough to retrieve your phone and open the conversation with Hyunjin.

[2:37 PM] YN: please. smell my balls

[2:37 PM] YN: nothings wrong btw. i was GOING to ask if u wanted any specific snacks for tn buttttt someone didn’t answer

[2:37 PM] YN: and excuse u i called too. i may be an idiot but im not stupid

[2:38 PM] YN: ik u would never hear a text when ur having wet dreams of yeji

You stop there with a smug smirk when the three dots on his side appear, knowing you’ve hit his funny bone with this one.

[2:38 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Bruh

[2:38 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇 :I’ve literally never have had a wet dream ab Yeji pls stop

You cannot fight your shit-eating grin, thumbs circling over the keyboard in thought as he apparently deletes whatever other text he was going to send when the three dots disappear.

[2:38 PM] YN: mmhmmmm

[2:38 PM] YN: because last time you slept over you weren’t whimpering her name in ur sleep

[2:38 PM] YN: sureeeee

You decide to end your teasing there and continue once you’re home. It is starting to get late, after all, and Mom will begin to worry that the creepy employee always in aisle sixteen has abducted you. Plus, you’re cruel and like to watch Hyunjin suffer. Switching the ringer off, you throw your phone into the cupholder and drastically lower the heat and turn off the seat warmer. It’s starting to feel like a sauna in here, and not in a fun way. Can’t understand how anyone enjoys hanging out in a sauna to begin with anyway, but to each their own, you guess.

In the five-minute drive it takes until you are pulling into the driveway, Hyunjin calls three times. He is incredibly peeved at your lack of a response to his distressed texts and still wound up from your text about Yeji. As if! You’re already a clown not realizing his ever-growing affections for you, but to think he had a crush on Yeji? You’re the whole damn circus!

By the time he calls a fifth time, now sat up on his elbow in bed and strumming an annoyed beat of his fingers at his thigh because he really just wants to yell at you for being the most annoying person alive (and maybe to hear your voice, too), you have brought in the last of the bags and look to Mom who has started to put the groceries away and expects you to half-heartedly do the same.

“It’s Hyunjin. He’s having an existential crisis because I haven’t answered his texts,” you explain to her, unenthusiastically holding your phone as it vibrates against your palm. Half of you wants her to ask to finish putting everything away first just so you can torture him even longer. Alas, such extravagant wishes are denied, because when it comes to Hyunjin, your parents would undoubtedly throw you under the bus just to keep that boy happy. And so, just like any other time, Mom’s undying love for Hyunjin has her dismissing you from the kitchen with a hearty laugh.

“Jesus Christ! What?” You hiss, halfway up the stairs when you tap to answer his call on the last ring.

“Wow! Look who finally decided to answer!” Hyunjin shouts back, the swoosh of his sheets once he finally falls back against his pillow again rustling all too loudly through the phone. “I was driving,” you spit, marching into your bedroom and collapsing against your bed, the same rustle of your blankets sounding loudly into his ear. “There’s a thing called the speaker, ___. Ever heard of it?” He retorts, evidently shutting you up and he knows he won this round if your silence is anything to go by.

“Whatever,” you groan, using all your toe strength to kick the sneakers off your feet by their soles, “what was so important that you couldn’t wait and had to call me five billion times?”

“I had a question. And you hurt my feelings.” Well, shit. You can practically hear and see his pout through the phone and your heart positively swells in your chest at how undeniably, unjustifiably cute he is. You sigh.

“I’m sorry for making fun of you about Yeji. I’m going to do it again but next time I promise I won’t pull the wet dream card,” you apologize frankly; because, in all honesty, it would be worse to say you are not going to do it again when you most certainly will. Bullying Hyunjin is fun, what can you say?

Hyunjin heaves an exasperated breath from his lungs because he knows there is no point in arguing with quite possibly the most sarcastic human he knows and that’s the best form of an apology he’s going to get. Whatever. He’ll make sure to wipe his morning snot and droll on your shirt in the morning. “Anyway,” he grumbles, in the background you hear Kkami bark from a few rooms over, “I was going to ask if you wanted to come over my place instead? I know your parents probably want to see me and stuff but mine are out of town for the night so we can sleep in my bed until like three without Mom waking us up to force feed breakfast.” You roll your eyes. Of course your parents want to see him.

“Plus, Mom just put that grey comforter I know you really like on my bed so we can cuddle all night and watch stuff on YouTube,” he quickly adds as a convincing afterthought. He’s really got his sales pitch going on this one. Truth is, you have only slept in his bed with that stupidly soft blanket twice last winter break, but it’s still sweet that he remembers how much you loved it (aka how quickly you fell asleep and how grumpy you were being woken up because it’s just that darn cozy). Either way, you would never pass up an opportunity to snuggle up with Hyunjin in the comfort of his own bed with his citrusy, floral scent on the pillows luring you to sleep.

“My Mom is going to be heartbroken, Hyunjin,” you tease, “but who cares. You had me sold at sleeping until three. Do you still want me to bring the snacks I got?”

“Oh, thank God. I love your Mom’s cooking but I haven’t left bed all day and I really want to keep it that way. And yes, please. I’ve been eating dry cereal for the past two hours.”

“Hyunjin, have you brushed your teeth yet?”

“No. Didn’t you just hear me? I said I’ve been in bed all day. Eating cereal. When would I have brushed my teeth?”

“You’ve officially taken breakfast in bed to a whole new level, Jin. I’ll see you in a few hours. Oh, and please, you have no concept of personal space so make sure you brush your teeth before I come over.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Love ya, bye,” Hyunjin promptly hangs up, probably eager to get back to binging whatever drama he’s watching before you lecture him about his hygiene again. Not that it matters, anyway; chances are, it went in one ear and right out the other and you’re going to drag him out of bed later to brush his teeth.

Damn. You didn’t even get the chance to say love you back. Not that it matters.

It doesn’t, you quickly shut down the pesky thought that keeps you up at night and force it back into the storage part of your brain labeled ‘Deal with Later,’ because, really, you’ll have to think about that later. It’s not that you don’t want to think about it yet… you just don’t have the time to stop and really figure out what your feelings toward Hyunjin actually are. Yeah. That’s it.

And now isn’t the time, you tell yourself, scooting up the mattress in order to bury your face in the pillows to suffocate the pounding throb in your head. Hyunjin is nothing special.

Well, no. That’s a lie. Everything about Hyunjin is special. Anyone with eyes, ears, even a nose can sense that. You had quickly found out just how wonderful he is when you met him freshman year of high school. At the time, he was everyone’s sweetheart by the first day, but it just so happened his eyes were all on you.

He was obviously adorable, and every class you had together he always made a point to talk to you and returned your sarcasm with an impressive level of expertise. So, when it came to him asking you to the first homecoming, the answer was yes without a second thought. But during the last slow dance of the night, with his hands gently holding your waist, he at last listened to his conscience and revealed that as much as he liked you, he truly did not want to date in high school. Or right then, at least. And honestly, you were glad; Hyunjin was quite possibly your favorite person you had met thus far, and you would have rather kept him as a friend than commit to a relationship the second month of school and risk losing him later down the road.

And boy, keep him as a friend you did. As it turned out, Hyunjin grew to be your truest, best friend in high school. Sure, you each had your own friend groups, but the two of you were the iconic pair everybody knew. But strictly platonic, despite the rumors and wishes that went around for the next four years. You like to think that neither of you ever developed feelings past what everyone feels toward their best friend— an innocent, wholesome sort of love.

But when had things changed? Hormones, as always, were definitely a big part of it. Hyunjin was always a cutie, but it wasn’t until he grew into his own skin and developed a newfound confidence did you start to see him differently. Until everyone saw him differently. Neither of you missed the way people stared him down, pupils dilating every time he ran his fingers through the black tufts of his hair, hearts aching for some sort of interaction. Or when you started attending parties, groups of girls would fling themselves at him in a blundering disarray, most of which he would turn down with a gentle dismissal that flew over their heads, too drunk to actually care.

But then there were times his dick made the decision for him, desperation and deprivation weighing in on him and you’d watch with a tight jaw as he’d leave the room with the pretty girl of the night skipping after him. You never realized it was only on those nights did you wind up in the back seat of Han Jisung’s car.

But even after the physical attraction sizzled out over time, things were not the same. Hyunjin wasn’t your hidden little treasure anymore. All eyes were set on him and it took more than a glass of water to swallow your jealousy. But why? Why were you so resentful all of a sudden?

It’s hard to share Hwang Hyunjin, you decided. Once established that you were his main hoe and he was yours, it became a significant burden watching others try and get in between. Not that they did it with a malicious attempt to separate you, but it still hurt. You’re selfish, and you admit it— Hyunjin, quite frankly, is the love of your life. Romantic or not, nothing could change your feelings toward him. It goes beyond his unfathomable beauty and spunky personality. Everything about him from his nose to his hands, to his distaste for onions and the way his face scrunches up when he lets out that giggle of his and even to the way he prefers to sleep against the wall but will force you to when you’re over so he can “protect you in case there’s a monster” all mount into this big, giant section of your heart set aside for Hyunjin.

So despite your efforts to ignore the pang of jealousy each time he would find a potential someone or the joy whenever he’d find his way back because “they kept wanting to hang out in the morning even though I said I don’t wake up before noon,” this Hyunjin-shaped hole in your heart seems to only grow the longer you ignore it. Kind of like every medical condition out there: the longer you ignore it, the worse it gets. So, basically Hyunjin is your heart disease.

Yikes. Sounds a lot worse when you try putting it into words.

Well, he won’t be your heart defect for long if he keeps ruining those pearly whites of his by only brushing once just before bed, you chuckle to yourself, rolling to your side at the sudden lack of oxygen between your face and the pillow. There’s a fleeting moment without thought when you unconsciously reach for your phone to check for any notifications before the fattest revelation of them all falls from the ceiling and smacks you right upside the face.

Shit. Looks like you’ve gone right ahead and totally dissected each and every fiber of your feelings for Hyunjin.

Blinking up at the ceiling, the weight of your emotions isn’t as heavy as you expected them to be. Instead, it’s more of a breath of fresh air, as if you have finally accepted the way things fell instead of ignoring them. Your feelings for Hyunjin have always been there. It just took a little effort to get them out.

Nevertheless, it is going to be difficult hanging out with him in a few hours with your exposed emotions still needing to be processed. Especially when he will pull you to his side and keep you nestled there the entire night. Rubbing your temples, you realize it will take some serious self-control to put everything on the back burner and just enjoy the time spent with Hyunjin.

Sighing, you check the time on your phone again. 3:21 and a text from Hyunjin asking if you could bring green tea.

“Mom!” You yell, defeated. “You were right!”

You used to think Hyunjin lived far away. Truthfully, he’s only fifteen minutes away if you go ten over the speed limit. But the only way to get to his house entails driving through the chaos of the mall and town center, which adds an extra ten minutes sitting through traffic no matter the time of day.

Now, Hyunjin’s college campus is two hours away. Well, technically five from you, since you’re almost three hours away in the opposite direction. So you’re lucky if you get to see him once a month with how hectic school becomes and how difficult it is trying to plan to come home the same weekend. Fortunately, it has worked out this semester. And while you should spend this time with your families, they know how much you crave one another’s company as the weeks drag on. The twenty-two minutes it takes getting to each other’s homes is totally worth it.

You expect Hyunjin to tell you to use the key hidden underneath the resin meditating frog statue in the front garden to unlock the front door when you text him you have arrived, but to your utmost surprise, he’s there, awake, to open the door for you.

“Stinky!” You yell, dropping your things on the floor to burry yourself in his embrace, standing on your tippy toes to wrap your arms around his neck in order to really get the full experience of hugging your favorite giant. “Poopy!” He shouts in return, long arms winding tightly around your waist and even going so far as to lift you up a few inches. God. Hate when he does that.

“Why are you up? I thought I’d have to let myself in with you sleeping all your problems away,” you ask, smiling gratefully when he bends down to pick up your bag. “I realized Kkami hadn’t been out all day, so I came down to let him out and find actual food,” Hyunjin explains as he makes way into the kitchen, opening the back door to let said dog back inside. “Aw, poor thing,” you pout, squatting to scratch at Kkami’s neck when he zooms faster than the speed of light to you, “does that mean you brushed your teeth?”

“I did, actually,” Hyunjin snorts right back, scrunching his nose at you before turning away to open the fridge. Sitting on the floor with Kkami in your lap, you take the opportunity to finally get a good look at Hyunjin now that he’s distracted. And of course, he looks good. Really good. Last time you saw him he still was a brunette, a look he rocked during the spring and summer months. This is the first time you’ve seen the freshly dyed black hair in person. Even though he always looks handsome, something about Hyunjin with black hair completely changes his aura. Brings back memories of how badly you wanted him in high school. You shiver at the thought.

And, to top it all off, how he manages to stay in such disgustingly good shape despite his atrocious eating habits never ceases to amaze you. Like, come on. The boy eats worse than a raccoon seven days out of the week, lives off boba, works out maybe five times a month, dances in his free time and still keeps his body in tiptop shape. God, you hate him. His pediatrician probably hates him, too. You even go as far as to sniff the fries in your dining hall and you gain five pounds.

Even now, he looks unnecessarily regal in the baggy material of his sweatpants and flannel. And the warmth of his kitchen’s ambient lighting does nothing to suppress the heavy thumping of your heart. So casual is his dress, yet how immaculate he looks rummaging the cabinets for a snack.

“Are you hungry?” He asks, the familiar softness of his voice shaking you from your daze as he closes the refrigerator door after his unsuccessful search. Here’s the thing: you really aren’t hungry, but Hyunjin clearly is, so if you say no then all he will be thinking about is food until you decide that you are hungry. “Yeah,” is what you say, nudging Kkami off your crossed legs to stand, “I brought green tea and a few snacks, but we could order Chinese food or something. The place near Dunkin’ and the gas station makes bubble tea now, too.”

Hyunjin’s brows shoot up, flashing his boxy smile. “Is it good?”

“I mean, I’ve only had their pork dumplings and mango tea before, and it was pretty good. I don’t know about their noodles or anything, though,” you shrug, moving to stand beside him at the kitchen island. Distracted by Kkami trying to jump onto the sofa in the living room, you don’t look to Hyunjin until the poor dog is successful in doing so. Startled to find him already gazing down at you, your heart truly is not prepared for him to go right ahead and wrap his arms around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder. Totally not freaking out or trying to overthink his need to constantly cling, you justify his actions by quickly recalling the time he said, “My head is too godtdamn big for my godtdamn body.” More like his head is too heavy because instead of a brain it’s just a chunk of cement up there. He just needs to rest his head sometimes.

Yeah.

“Mm, I don’t know,” Hyunjin hums, swaying your body with his to an unheard tune. By now, any coherent thought has dissipated into thin air and all you can do is melt against him. “Why?” You manage.

“’Cus if we order anything that means I’ll have to get up and get it.”

“Oh my God, Hyunjin, really?” You laugh. Your hands naturally glide to where his are linked at your stomach, pressing to interlock your fingers overtop his. “If that’s the only reason for your uncertainty than I could always come get it, idiot.”

“No! It’s okay,” Hyunjin says, jumping back before you can even process it, “I’m not that hungry anyway.”

“Ohhh ‘kay,” you laugh breathlessly, whiplashed by the whole thing. Good thing you aren’t hungry, because when was the last time Hyunjin turned down food? Blinking at him precariously, he doesn’t seem to notice until one too many seconds of silence pass by.

“C’mon,” he demands excitedly, jumping back into reality, “my roommate told me to watch this anime called Soul Eater but I wanted to watch it with you.” Once again, before anything can even register past every single That Was Cute™ alarm ringing in your brain, Hyunjin is grabbing your bag and reaching for your hand, leading you out of the kitchen and upstairs.

You and Hyunjin binge aforementioned anime until he falls asleep first around 2 AM, only stopping to order food an hour in (he’s an indecisive man indeed), to get up to retrieve it, and to actually eat while catching up. For most of the night, you are able to forget the way his heartbeat against your back mirrored your own in the kitchen. But then, a little while after you fall asleep yourself, Hyunjin unconsciously shifts closer and you spend another hour blinking at his relaxed hand twitching against your abdomen, trying to keep the hurricane inside your heart at bay.

You can’t make it home October. Hyunjin texted you to let you know he was going to be the third weekend in, and you tried desperately to manage your time in order to make it work. But one group project in chem lead to another paper in psych and before you knew it, your roommate was listening to you sob over a boy and curse out your classes.

September left you emotionally wrecked, to be totally honest. You hate Hyunjin and you hate the way he makes you feel and you especially hate how realizing you have a crush on him makes you unsure if everything he does is his way of hinting he feels the same or if he’s always been this touchy and you are just now recognizing it. So, missing a month of seeing your favorite human being essentially means missing another day of trying to decipher which actions of his go in the Friend list, and which go in the Questionable list. And that, my friend, is unacceptable.

You absolutely cannot not go home this month. November is the calm before the storm (the storm being exams looming the second week of December), and while it would be beneficial maybe staying on campus to continue preparing, you tell yourself going home will be just as helpful. Mental breaks, and stuff. Totally not just to see Hyunjin.

Either way, Hyunjin asks you if you would join him on the seventeenth to go to his second cousin’s christening and you absolutely cannot say no when you know how bored Hyunjin gets at family events when they aren’t for him. And so, fast forward to the third Sunday of November and you are ready to pass out ten minutes after entering the church.

“I’m so happy for you two! I always knew you would last into college,” one of Hyunjin’s aunts exclaims, pinching your cheeks but the only pinch you feel is that of your heart.

Clearly she is misinformed, or just prone to jumping to conclusions but yet again, you can’t really blame her with how couple-y you and Hyunjin are. Past the single tunnel vision of your gaze, you watch her smile falter when Hyunjin goes rigid beside you and oh my God this is the most embarrassing moment of my life, his whole family thinks we’re dating and here we are still stuck in each other’s friendz—

“I’m glad you think so, imo,” Hyunjin suddenly picks up, sneaking an arm around to rest his hand on your hip, tugging you close, “I don’t know what I’ll do if she ever decides to leave me.”

It’s nice to think that he means it, to imagine that you are here not as a tag-along but to join him in a family ceremony because you are part of the family. The thought turns your blood to sugar and everything surrounding you falls apart; you listen to the rest of their conversation without processing it, the precise detailing in the marble pillars blurs into a mass of white, and you still feel his strong hold on the curve of your waist yet you are lost in the swam of possibilities.

How lovely it would be to live up to her assumption. To ‘last into college’ as a couple, not as best friends. To be able to call him yours even when you’re not together, to come home and kiss his lips, to sleep in his bed and it mean more than the laziness of blowing up the air mattress. At some point, he leads you into the third pew to sit beside his parents, and when you greet them with a hug all you can think about is them viewing you as more than their son’s friend.

God, you hate it.

You’re not as religious as Hyunjin and his family. But for the first time in years, you find yourself looking to the crucifix during the service and praying to whoever is up there to give you some strength and patience, because Lord do you need it.

Hyunjin is a funny guy.

Or so he thinks.

It’s not that he isn’t funny. It’s just— compared to your friends Minho or Changbin, he isn’t at the top of the list. When you think of Hyunjin, the first words that pop up are soft, loud, and dramatic.

It’s not that he isn’t funny. He’s just weird.

Insanely, ridiculously weird. For example, the time he called Jeongin a vitamin. Or the time he slapped half a bottle of sunscreen on his face. Or his random bouts of dancing at inappropriate moments. Just to name a few.

After the Baptism, Hyunjin acted like nothing happened. Didn’t even bring it up. Not even a joke. After the ceremony, you joined his family for a luncheon, which just involved the two of you being weird and making peculiar dancing videos on SnapChat with the swirly filter and complaining about school for a few hours until he drove you home. Obviously you stopped for food again on the way.

But that was it. Things went on as normal, and you returned to campus later that night and forced the whole experience to the back of your brain. It was officially grind season, and grind season meant studying for exams. No parties. No boys. And certainly no Hyunjin.

You both were home for winter break in the blink of an eye. And in normal Hyunjin style, he sort of vanished for the first week. Probably catching up on his strict sleeping schedule, you presumed, and accepted the fact that it was going to be a few days before you saw or even heard from him. The only anticipation you felt was wanting to give him his Christmas gift.

After what seems like an eternity away from Hyunjin, you get out of the shower on this fine Saturday before Christmas to find a slew of texts from him.

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Aloha mamacita

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: How do u feel about getting froyo tn

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: We can get fat and then u can sleepover aaaand

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: We can stare at the wall for a few hours

[5:52 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: And

[5:53 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: *cough*

[5:53 PM] big tiddy jinny🍯🧸🌟🖇: Exchange Jesus gifts

See? Weird. Who wants froyo when it’s thirty degrees out?

[5:53 PM] YN: “aloha mamacita”

[5:53 PM] YN: uHmmmMMM

[5:53 PM] YN: im down mr president

[5:54 PM] YN: why do u want ice cream in winter tho. don’t u want like

[5:54 PM] YN: hot chocolate or seomthing

Obviously not. Two hours later, Hyunjin arrives to pick you up for froyo despite all your efforts in convincing him maybe you could take the train to the city and watch a light show, or simply drive around and swoon over the rich people houses and their Christmas decorations. He didn’t budge. This leads you to your second question of the day: why is it that when you threw on sweats for the occasion you called yourself a hag, but upon entering Hyunjin���s car you make a mental note of how hot he looks when he’s wearing the same exact thing? You groan at the thought. It’s because it’s Hyunjin, of course.

“Bonjour, mademoiselle,” he greets, flicking your forehead once you settle into the seat of his Subaru WRX because he’s a hotshot and likes to flex that he can drive a manual. Not really— the car is absolute garbage by now, having been his Dad’s old car (his Dad likes to flex too, apparently). However, Hyunjin takes care of it enough for it to seem five years old instead of ten, and, either way, watching him work the stick shift is unexplainably hot.

You swat his hand away. “Drive, bitch,” you huff, twisting to buckle yourself in. Once he’s reversed out of your driveway, you glance back to find him fighting against a devilish smirk.

“So,” you start once he has navigated out of your neighborhood. His brow twitches up. “Are you taking Hawaiian and French at school? You’ve been throwing quite a lot of languages at me recently.” Hyunjin shoots you an unamused look. You return it with a wrinkle of your nose.

“Anyway,” he ignores your teasing, pausing to switch gears for whatever reason so he can make it through a yellow light, “how did your exams go?”

“Well, you know…” You trail off, looking to your window. It feels a lot later than eight o’clock. With it getting dark so early in the evening nowadays, it feels as if nighttime is always following you.

“You know… what?” Hyunjin interrupts your daze, concern laced in his voice. “They were fine. I passed everything, I’m just worried about my major,” you explain sadly, barely glancing at him before you are turning back to the window to stare at the moon. Must be nice being a moon. Just get to hang out in the sky watching everyone and being watched.

“I mean, if you want to switch, now’s the time. Better do it now before the second semester,” Hyunjin advises, wise as always. Not really, but he’s right. “What are you thinking of going into?”

Yikes. He’s going to kill you.

“Nursing,” you blurt.

“Oh my Lanta, ___, are you serious?” He groans, stopping at a convenient red light presenting the perfect opportunity for him to smack his forehead on the wheel. Dramatic. “How are you gonna manage that? You’ll practically be two years behind everyone else!”

“I know,” you sigh, throwing your head back on the headrest, “that’s the problem. Bio just isn’t doing it for me. I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life in a lab watching mitosis. I need something more rewarding, so theoretically nursing is a perfect start. I don’t know, though.”

“Why don’t you switch to interior design or something? We could get our own HGTV show, ___,” he says, but you don’t meet his gaze when he glances over because beneath his words, you can sense some serious hopefulness. Interior design would be cool, but you’ve never considered that as a career choice. You once helped your parents pick out everything when they redid a bathroom at home and that turned out great, but as a major?

“I don’t know, man. I’ll have to talk to my counselor about it, I guess,” you shrug, pulling the hood of your sweatshirt over your head and tightening the drawstrings until the material covers your eyes, “why can’t you audition to be a K-pop star or something? I could be your manager. Heck, even your makeup artist. I’ve done your makeup before, remember?”

Hyunjin laughs, loud, and the sound sinks deep into your heart and makes you feel warm all over. Stress? Gone.

For the next few minutes or so, the ride is comfortably quiet. At some point, he turns on the radio and Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” floods your brain and reminds you to look forward to exchanging Christmas gifts later. God, you hope he likes it. You really went out on the sentimental gifts this year.

Hood shielding your vision, you jump when his large hand suddenly comes to grab the top of your head, squeezing hard and you imagine he’s trying to press some hopefulness into your brain. “Hand on the penis stick, Hwang,” you bark, blindly reaching for his own head across the way and pulling his ear when you do so. Good Lord, you hope no one can see into the car because… what.

Hyunjin lets out a giggle this time, reaching to pull you into a headlock and even though he’s got your head shoved up against his sturdy chest and goes on to give you a noogie, you’re stuck being all high and loopy on the sound of his happiness. And hey, it’s nice to know you’re the cause of it.

“We’re literally parked, idiot. If you had your hood down you would’ve realized,” Hyunjin snickers, releasing you after watching you struggle for a few seconds. Jerking away from him, you swiftly pull back your hood. “Oh,” you laugh, reading the flashy Yogo Factory sign above the building in front of you, “you could’ve just told me instead of watching me bask in misery.”

Hyunjin suitably ignores your moaning and groaning by getting out of the car and standing in front of the car, illuminated by the headlights. Why? Why must he look so scrumptious in his black hoodie and grey sweatpants and four-year-old white Nike sneakers? He has no gosh darn right!

After fixing the mess he made of your hair, you at last join him outside the car, shooting him another glare and moving ahead of him to open the shop’s door without waiting for him. “From now on, we have to start texting each other what we’re wearing before we go out, ‘cus this looks a little ri-donk-ulous,” Hyunjin whispers in your ear as you make your way to the cup selection, trying to ignore all the stares you— no, he is getting along the way.

“What do you mean?” You ask, plucking two medium sized cups up before turning to look at him. Then you look down at yourself. Oh. Looks like you’re both wearing the hoodie from junior spirit week. “Nice.” Just Couple Things™!

Back to Hyunjin being weird— why did he drag you all the way out here just to get a cup of chocolate frozen yogurt and maybe half a scoop of peanut butter chips?

Meanwhile, he watches in absolute disgust as you blow through your own dessert. Vanilla yogurt with probably every topping offered because you physically cannot make a decision, especially when they have chunks of cookie dough up there.

“So,” Hyunjin starts, trying not to look you in the eye considering you look like a goblin shoveling globs of diabetes down your throat, “have you talked to Jisung recently?”

You choke on a Fruity Pebble at his inquiry, prompting him to reach across the table and slap your back a few times until your esophagus is cleared. “Ugh,” clearing your throat one last time, you take a few sips of water while shooting him a glare. Jisung? Really? “How dense are you?” You hiss unintentionally.

Hyunjin raises his hands in defense. “Just a question.”

Yeah, just a question. Dumbass. “I mean,” you laugh awkwardly, “not really. We have a streak on Snap and sometimes we’ll talk occasionally but I don’t text him every day or anything. How about you?”

He shrugs, concentrating instead on stirring his yogurt into a goopy mess. “Eh. We still use our group chat a lot but that’s it. He’s too busy making music in Malaysia.”

You chuckle at this, picking out the boba from your own cup and leaving the rest now that it has started to look like something sold at the Chum Bucket. “That sucks,” you offer, not the best at giving him consolidation, you opt for linking your feet around his own in some weird act of intimacy, “isn’t he coming home for the holidays, though? I’m sure you can all have a reunion soon.”

“Yeah, he is,” Hyunjin hums, suddenly too focused on trying to escape your trap under the table. Annoyed Hyunjin is cute. “Stoooop,” he whines, kicking at your shins before breaking into boisterous laughter at your relentlessness, “I will not hesitate to throw this cup at your face.”

“Yeah, right,” you scoff, “I’d like to see you try.”

At this, Hyunjin drops his stupidly long arms beneath the table and easily captures your foot by the ankle, pulling hard enough for you to slip down your side of the booth. “Hyunjin!” You shriek, panicking slightly at your sweaty hand’s insecure grip against the leather. You’re going to fall. You’re going to fall flat on your ass underneath a table at a frozen yogurt place because the boy you like pulled your foot too hard. Fantastic. Ignoring you, he starts to wiggle your shoe off your foot no matter how hard you try to squirm out of his relentless grip. “Stop trying to eat my toes in the middle of Yogo!”

Finally, he releases your foot, letting it fall limp against his thigh.

“God,” you huff, breathless as you squirm back up your seat, cheeks burning ferociously, “you are such an ass.”

Behind the playful smirk he fails to hide, something darker glints in Hyunjin’s eyes and it makes your heart skip a beat. Then, “We should go.” The suggestion makes the heat of your blush scorch even hotter down your neck and you instinctively turn away, only to find the customers on the other side of the shop watching you with just as perturbed looks. Fantastic, part two.

“Okie,” you squeak out, blinking after him in complete and total bewilderment as to what just happened when he gets up to throw his trash away. Whatever. Following after him, you too toss your cup out before quickly finding your hand engulfed by his larger one as he leads you back outside, the sudden sharpness of the cold air bringing tears to your eyes. You desperately want to ask him what that was about, or why he’s acting so sneaky, but you stay silent, too afraid your voice will come out shaky and vulnerable. Instead, you let him tug you into his side and try to keep up with him no matter how badly your knees threaten to buckle with each glance you sneak up at him.

It’s silent when you enter the car, watching warily as he reverses out of the parking spot and maneuvers through the lot. Your heart rate seemingly cannot slow itself down, adrenaline taking the place of oxygen the longer you stare at him, at the concentrated scrunch to his face, at the cute tip of his button nose and at the swell of his lips and you distantly wonder what would happen if you pulled him into a kiss at the next red light.

In the midst of your daydream Hyunjin clears his throat, bringing you back to reality and you realize with a startle that he has caught you. Jesus Christ! What has gotten into you? You mentally smack yourself upside the head, instantly turning away from his cocky little gaze and staring straight ahead in search of something else to focus on. “___,” he sing-songs, slow and sensual and entirely demolishing the walls you have built around yourself. It is at this red light you wish to simply open the door and run.

“Yes?” You manage, wincing at how small your voice sounds and while looking out his window instead of into his eyes, you notice him grip the steering wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white. The tension is insurmountable, weighing in heavily on your chest and you desperately wish to arrive home, even though that means having to survive the next twelve hours with him. Anything is better than the small confines of his car.

“What do you want to do when we get home?” He asks, cool as a cucumber. You pale. It is a dangerous question and you do not know if he realizes that. “Um,” you cough, scooting to sit up straight, “whatever you want.” You whisper the last part, genuinely petrified because you have absolutely no idea if your brain is twisting everything to make it seem like Hyunjin is flirting or if things are totally normal. No idea.

“Hm,” he offers, tilting his head in thought, “we shall see.”

Yeah. We shall.

The rest of the ride is quiet, comfortably or uncomfortably you cannot say because you are too busy trying to calm the Spongebob burning office scene occurring inside your own head, hopelessly telling yourself that everything is fine, Hyunjin’s fine, you’re fine. Just pretend like nothing happened, you tell yourself when Hyunjin pulls into his driveway with practiced ease. “Ugh,” he groans after retrieving your bag from the back seat, and you watch with a raised brow as he skips up to his porch, yelling, “I have to pee!”

“Begone with you, piss boy,” you tease, holding the screen door open for him as he struggles to unlock the storm door and pulling on one of his hoodie’s drawstrings just to annoy him. “Stop,” he growls, low and playful but nevertheless sending a swarm of butterflies to your tummy. You ignore him. Finally unlocking the door, Hyunjin shoves the keys into his pocket and seizes your wrist, yanking your arm down with enough force to nearly topple you into him. “Why are you being so annoying tonight?” He frowns at you, nose and brows scrunched in irritation and it is only because of his proximity do you finally soften up.

“Sorry,” you pout back, bringing your other hand up to boop his nose, “I just missed ya.”

“Ew,” he snorts, stepping past the threshold and kicking off his shoes. You follow suit, closing the door behind you and clicking the lock into place as Kkami comes sprinting over. “B-R-B,” Hyunjin announces, presumably bouncing away to the bathroom.

“Oh, boy,” you huff, squatting to pick up the fluffy little dog and hugging him close to your chest, “your dad is making my life very difficult.” Pressing a quick kiss to the top of his head, you put Kkami back down and grab your bag before heading upstairs, knowing Hyunjin is going to take his grand old time and probably take a shit while he’s at it. Plus, you’re impatient and dying to take your bra off.

Aside from what light his Gudetama nightlight offers, Hyunjin’s room is ultimately left dark. Here’s the thing: he used to have a lamp on his dresser, but then he took it with him to college and only brings it home for summer because he’s lazy and sleeps the majority of the time he’s home, anyway. Instead, he put up his little remote-controlled Christmas tree in addition to the lava lamp he has beside his bed. Perfect. For Hyunjin, at least.

Switching both of these on, their subtle glow offers just enough to keep you from banging your toe against something. It’s happened one too many times. Hyunjin’s room isn’t messy— he really isn’t a messy person to begin with, but he will reorganize the furniture in his room fifty times a year and you never know where the crooked leg to his bedside table will be to ambush your pinky toe.

Setting your bag onto his bed, you excitedly fumble past all your layers and unclasp your bra, maneuvering out of it with a delighted exhale just as Hyunjin begins his ascent up the stairs, steps creaking loudly under his heavy trudging. “I’m an idiot,” he grumbles, leaning against the doorframe to catch his breath.

You don’t bother to look at him, opting to quickly retort instead, “We been knew.”

“Ugh,” Hyunjin groans, exasperated, and you finally turn to him after successfully jamming aforementioned undergarment into your bag, “anyways. I don’t know why I didn’t just come up here, because I have to wash my face anyway and you do too and now we’re both going to have to share a sink.”

“Aw,” you coo, tone dripping with sarcasm as you pat his arm, “poor baby has to share the bathroom.”

“I’m actually going to strangle you,” he sighs, nevertheless following after you into the bathroom.

“Kinky.”

Hyunjin glares, unamused as he opens a drawer for his pink bow hairband and your striped pink and blue one that he bought for you, but keeps here for sleepovers. Yeah. He throws it to your face. “Sorry,” you offer, pulling the soft headband up to hold your hair back, “I’ll try to stop. I’m just so used to annoying you.”

“Clearly,” he scoffs, flashing his stupidly cute teasing smile and in your head, you imagine raising a white flag in surrender— he’s got you, he’s won, it’s over. Time to call it quits and head home. Evidently shut up (for now), you offer him a roll of your eyes before turning on the sink to wet your hands before pumping out some of his scrumptious watermelon face wash. Maybe if you scrub hard enough, you’ll manage to rinse away all the overwhelming thoughts of the night, too.

Barefaced Hyunjin is immaculate. Well, Hyunjin is immaculate twenty-four hours out of the day, but barefaced, freshly washed, hair messy, ready for bed Hyunjin is immaculate, and you are one of the few people lucky enough to see this eighth wonder of the world as often as you do.

Now, maybe it has something to do with the unexpected ambiance the light from his laptop, Christmas lights, and lava lamp have created together that makes him look so unfairly beautiful at this given moment. Or, you’re just insanely pussywhipped and looking for an excuse. You try not to think about it.

“Why are you so squirmy tonight?” He asks, frustrated enough to interrupt Kermit singing ‘Shawty I don’t mind’ playing from his laptop. “I’m not,” you defend, a weak argument indeed, given that you have just finished adjusting your position beside him for the umpteenth time.

“I mean, four female Ghostbusters? The feminists are taking over! I’m an ad—”

“___, you’ve touched my dick like four times. Don’t try and tell me you’re not squirmy. What’s wrong?” Hyunjin interrupts a second Vine, and even goes on to talk over ‘I have the power of God and anime on my side!’ like a lunatic. Oh Christ, you have? Surely you would have noticed. “Sorry,” you mumble, embarrassed as you bury your face into the curve of his pectoral and instinctively move your leg settled between his away, “I’m just hot, to be honest.” Technically, it is not a lie. Hyunjin’s family definitely keeps their thermostat at a higher temperature than yours and you always manage to sweat your ass off every time you come over. This time, however, you are certain it has more to do with the assault your heart is facing rather than your sweat glands.

At the sound of his tap against the spacebar to pause the video, you wordlessly and reluctantly sit up from your comfortable spot beside him in order to rid yourself of your heavy sweatshirt. Now, here lies the problem. Sweatshirt: off. Nipples: out. Realistically, Hyunjin has seen your boobs a number of times over the past few years, and even if he hadn’t, he probably wouldn’t even bat an eye. But right now, your heart is on the line, you’re embarrassed and you’re trying to play it extremely safe.

You toss the hoodie to the floor and nestle right back where you were anyway, slinging your right arm over his torso and ignoring his sharp intake of breath when you snuggle closer. “Better?” He asks, voice strained and it literally makes you nauseous. “Yep.”

He resumes the video. You had started early in the night watching Pom Poko, which unsurprisingly ended with the two of you crying at the bittersweet ending, then moved to TikTok compilations on YouTube to cheer up before moving on from them and onto the classic Vine compilations. You paid good attention for the most part, chuckling along with him to ‘What up, I’m Jared, I’m nineteen and I never fucking learned how to read,’ ‘Bruh chill, I don’t know why you in a big time rush,’ and all the other absolute comedic masterpieces. But after the fourth or fifth video of the same six second clips with an occasional rare one, you began to grow bored and decided to do what you do best: admire Hyunjin.

Sure, ‘Come get yo juice!’ followed by the loud smash of the oven made you smile, but you found the flashing lights casting shadows beneath Hyunjin’s eyes and lips much more fascinating. Of course, this is not the first time you have been held so close to him. But it is, however, all too easy to get lost in the sight of him and you’ve noticed recently that you are in desperate need of a map. Whether it’s due to your time away from him or simply an appreciation for untouched beauty you do not know.

Even now, your gaze flickers to his laptop once you hear ‘Get to Del Taco,’ but having already watched it five thousand times you tilt your head upward to catch Hyunjin’s silent giggle at ‘free-sha-voca-do.’ It’s a vicious cycle, really, going back and forth between wanting to simply enjoy the night and realizing enjoying the night lies totally in Hyunjin’s presence. And so, you continue to fall into this trap each time until you pay no mind to the videos at all, basking in the brilliance of Hyunjin’s joyous smile and the warmth his happiness makes you feel. It is this thought that slowly tugs you to sleep, a fight to keep your heavy eyelids open lost until finally, you give in to the comfort and allow yourself to drift off to the sound of ‘Step the fuck up, Kyle.’

You think you are dreaming.

You think.

“___,” the softness of Hyunjin’s voice at the crown of your head eases you from the clutches of sleep and you stretch your locked limbs before curling further into his side. “We didn’t open presents.” Even though you can’t see him, you can hear his pout, and you realize you must be awake to hear the disappointed words caught sluggishly between his lips so vividly. You hum, hesitant to open your eyes because you really want to go back to sleep. Just for a little while. And so, you ask, “What time is it?”

“Just past two,” he whispers.

You hum again, trying to formulate a sensible sentence in the parts of your brain still asleep, “We can… wake up at four. And open gifts. Okay?”

“Okay, weirdo,” Hyunjin chuckles to himself, sliding lower down the mattress after shutting his laptop.

You think you are dreaming.

You think.

You can’t remember ever falling asleep facing each other. But yet again, your brain is clouded beyond capability and now, you know for certain you are dreaming. Hyunjin never faces you.

Blinking slowly, it takes a few seconds for your eyes to adjust to the impenetrable darkness and you struggle to make out the features of Hyunjin’s face. You know you are dreaming, and so you tug him closer, throwing a leg over his thigh and an arm over his waist. Even in your sleep, you feel the sadness pricking at your heart, for even it knows this is only what dreams are made of. You like to make the best of it.

“You know I love you, Jinnie, right?” Your voice comes out funny, drawn out and mumbled like your tongue is numb and you fight the urge to feel for yourself.

“Of course I do. I love you too.” His reply surprises you. You thought he was asleep and, either way, hearing such fond words from him puts your heart at ease. He must be misunderstood.

“No. I mean like… I like you, love you. Like I want to kiss you… kiss you good morning and before bed love you. Send you hearts and take stupid couple pics and… go on dumb dates love you. You know?” Your words feel garbled and incomprehensible the longer you go on, trying to express how you feel when nothing is real proving to be increasingly difficult. God, if only you could do it when things are real.

You start to feel yourself slipping as he mutters a reply, mind in free fall and fuck, fuck, fuck, he’s whispering and you can’t hear him but you are too tired and helpless to wake yourself up to hear it. No, too lost in the next dream to go back. You can’t tell what is real and what isn’t. Christ, were you awake? You can’t tell. All you know is that you are warm, so, so warm and letting sleep take over you once more is the best answer to all your questions.

Hyunjin always says he hates waking people up. Because he’s normally the one needing to be awoken, whenever the roles are swapped he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

This time, however, he takes it upon himself to repeatedly smack your face with his pillow. Not a fun experience when it’s coming from someone who fails to recognize his own strength. “Jesus, fuck! Okay!” You hiss, the cloud of sleep abruptly ripped away from you with the slap of his pillow against your skin. Arms raised defensively in front of you, you catch his next swing and tear the pillow out of his grasp to shield yourself all before you have even opened your eyes. When you do so, with the blatant intention just to find where he is and hurl the pillow at him, you are met with the harsh light from his ceiling fan and have to squint past the stinging white light to see his shit-eating grin.

“Was that necessary?” You groan, undeniably annoyed and wanting to glare at him more but needing to rub the ache out of your eyes. “Yes,” is all he says, reaching for your bag and catapulting it to you. He is incredibly lucky you are quick enough to catch it before it thumps against your head. What has gotten into him? Did he eat an entire bag of Pixy Stix while you were asleep? You watch, still dazed from sleep and reeling from the whole pillow smacking attack, as he flings open his closet door and turns back around with two neatly wrapped boxes. You squint to make out the dancing Santa T-rex wrapping paper.

“Oh,” you chirp, understanding, and you unzip your bag to retrieve the large box taking up the majority of space, “thanks for waking me up. I’m surprised you remembered. Did you stay up?”

A rosy blush burns its way across his cheekbones. Odd. “I, um— yeah. No, actually,” he stutters, really odd, given he was bouncing off the walls not even thirty seconds ago, “I set an alarm. You made me sleepy.” Hyunjin sits beside you once you have scooted over, leaning against the wall and crossing his long ass legs. He keeps his eyes trained on the boxes in his hands. “Oh,” you hum, looking to your own gift and suddenly wishing for the mattress to swallow you up, “sorry. I haven’t gotten as much sleep as you on break so far.”

“I don’t think anyone ever has,” he jokes and you finally look to him, sharing a cheeky smile before he gets all shy again, tongue darting out to wet his lips, “um, Merry Christmas, ___.”

It’s a simple phrase, but it makes your heart swell. “Merry Christmas to you too, Hyunjin.” Leaning over, you wrap your arms around his shoulders in an awkward side hug, but still end up feeling all drunk and loopy on love when he eagerly returns the gesture, arms curling around you.

“Okay,” you huff, sitting back, “me first.” You dramatically hold your gift out to him, jittery and nervous all over. Buying for Hyunjin is always hard. He’s just so easy to please, but when you want to do more than just please him it’s a constant battle trying to decide how far out you are going to go for him each year.

You watch impatiently as he tears the wrapping paper open first, and then finally lifts the flaps of the box up. “Aw,” he whimpers, pulling out the quokka plushie and attached certificate, “you adopted a quokka for me?”

You grin when he hugs the soft stuffed animal to his chest, the weight on your shoulders partly lifted from his positive reaction. He reaches back into the box, brow scrunched in thought as he regards the framed picture. “The First Day…?” Hyunjin asks, perplexed as he reads the title above the constellation poster. You scoot closer, leaning over to look it over once more. “This was the constellation of stars on our first day of freshman year. The day we first met.”

“Oh,” Hyunjin sniffs, “that’s really awesome, ___. Thank you. This is coming with me to school.” At this, he hugs you again, probably to hide the tears you know are threatening to spill because Hyunjin is Baby and cries every year. “Anything for my favorite fake Aussie,” you smile, leaning your head on his shoulder as he reads through the quokka adoption letter.

“Okay! Your turn!” He exclaims, setting his gifts back into the box and passing you the smaller one of his. He catches your curious glance to the second one he keeps by his side. “We have to open this one together.”

“Christ, okay. Looks like I’m gonna be crying tonight, too,” you sigh sadly. “Ooh,” jumping ahead of yourself, you wiggle your eyebrows at the white box before you, “Hyunjin if you bought me a Fitbit… I swear to God. How many times have I said I am not working out with you?” However, once you finish tearing open the wrapping paper you find it is not, in fact, a Fitbit.

“It’s not a Fitbit, idiot,” Hyunjin scoffs a second too late, waiting for you to slip the lid off the box. “They’re bond touch bracelets.”

“Explain,” you murmur, enamored but confused at the two little house arrest looking bracelets.

“So basically, we each wear one,” Hyunjin starts, taking one of the bracelets out and a burst of color blooms across its small screen at the motion, “and if you touch it, mine vibrates and I ‘feel’ your touch.” As he explains, he buckles it around your wrist, twisting it so it lies correctly. You silently take the second one and help it on him, brain too caught up to actually say anything.

“Try it,” Hyunjin whispers, suppressing his excitement.

You gingerly bring a finger to the little screen, tapping it once, twice. Nothing happens. Frowning, you try again, tapping and holding, then a second time, and finally— a strip of pink light appears and the bracelet gently vibrates as you tap and hold a random pattern. In response, the bracelet on Hyunjin’s wrist lights up blue, buzzing in the same pattern.

“Oh, Hyunjin,” you sniffle, fighting back your own tears because you refuse to let yourself ugly cry in front of him, “this is amazing. Now I can annoy you year-round. Thank you so, so much. I love you so much.” He hums, pulling you close when you turn to give him a proper hug. To your utmost surprise, however, instead of letting go he curls one fist into your side and helps swing your legs over to straddle his lap. “Oh.”

“___,” Hyunjin sighs thoughtfully, fingers playing with the sleeves of your tee, “I love you, too.”

You nearly spit up your coffee. If you were drinking coffee. Instead, you’re left with a dry mouth and a slack jaw at his words. Huh?

Glancing to the constellation picture peeking out of his box, and then to the matching bracelets you both wear, you find your mind reeling trying to make sense of it all. Yeah, you say the forbidden L-word to each another all the time, but most certainly not with you on his on lap and his lips mere centimeters away. The answer is so obviously clear as day you have trouble believing it.

“Fuck,” you laugh all of a sudden, as soon as the realization hits you, “I wasn’t dreaming, was I?”

Hyunjin lets out a joyous giggle, hands linking behind your back. Unable to hide his smile any longer, he clarifies, “You were not, madam. We literally just finished talking about when we were going to open gifts and then I got ready to sleep. Two seconds later you dumped your heart out to me, but when I answered, you were asleep.”

“Bruh,” you wince, hiding your face with your hands, “I am so sorry you had to deal with that.”

“No, don’t be,” Hyunjin comforts, reaching to tug your hands away. Your gut does somersaults when he intertwines his fingers with yours. “I was actually, uh, planning on doing some sort of confession to you anyway, but then you went right ahead and did it for me. So thanks for that.”

“Wow,” you chuckle, trying to wrap your mind around it all, “does that mean you, ahem, perhaps like me too?”

“No, I just got us really couple-y long distance relationship bracelets, pulled you onto my lap, and kissed you because I just want to be friends.”

“You didn’t kiss m—”

The sly little fucker interrupts your retort by quickly dipping down to press a fat smooch to your lips, missing miserably and you don’t know if he did it on purpose but you quickly fix the problem, releasing his hands to cradle his jaw and tilt his head the right angle. Finally, finally you kiss him, breathing in the smell of him like some sort of aromatherapy and whimpering into his mouth when his tongue swipes against your own. It is like nothing you have ever experienced, the taste and feel of him making you tremble and igniting a burst of electricity through your veins. You could kiss him forever, you think, sucking on his plump bottom lip greedily until he finally pulls back, desperate for air or trying to reel himself in you can’t say.

“You have to open your other gift,” Hyunjin reminds, chest heaving, and your gaze follows his long fingers as they comb his hair away from his forehead. Automatically, as if kissing Hyunjin once grants you some kind of free pass to do the same, you brush a few stray strands away from his face before leaning back to admire him. “Stoooop. You can’t do that and not expect me to kiss you again. Open. Your. Gift.” Hyunjin whines, squishing your cheeks and turning your head away.

“Okay, don’t blame this on me,” you huff, reaching for the second box before jabbing a finger into his chest, “you, sir, need to stop being so beautiful for like, two seconds.”

He scoffs, helping you rip off the wrapping paper, “You’re the beautiful one here.”

“Ew,” you wrinkle your nose, most certainly not used to Hyunjin dishing out such compliments, “this is too Hallmark Christmas movie for me. Let me open my gift in peace, ugly.” This box, unlike the bracelets’, is simple cardboard and when you lift open the lid, a brown leather book looks back at you. “You remember Up?” He asks.

On the leather, it reads Our Adventure Book in mismatched colors. “Yeah,” you whisper, flipping open the cover to find two baby pictures glued on the paper, one of Hyunjin, and one of you. At the top, it’s labeled ‘Before Shit Went Down.’ You laugh.

On the next page, there are random photographs from middle school, and then finally each other’s eighth grade graduation portraits. Then, written at the top is ‘Here It Begins,’ followed by a selfie he randomly took with you a few weeks into school freshman year, and then some from homecoming. Silently flipping through the rest of the book, your tears flow freely now, touched beyond comparison at all the photographs and all the memories accompanying them. Some are from large events like prom, others from random moments you don’t even remember, but each and every one comes together to form a special mold fitting perfectly into that Hyunjin-shaped hole in your heart.

The last picture is from the christening last month. Of course, it isn’t one of the nicer photos his mom took of the two of you, but a SnapChat selfie with the flaming sunglasses filter. He’s mid-laugh and you’re pressing a kiss to his cheek. Funny thing is, you don’t even remember taking it.

The page next to it is blank, aside from what’s written at the top of the page. “Togetha Foreva,” you read aloud, voice choked up and God, you cannot fathom how gross you look right now. “What the fuck, man!” You sob, punching Hyunjin’s shoulder before wiping your nose and cheeks with the back of your hands. “I didn’t sign up for this cock and ball torture.”

Hyunjin laughs loudly at this, pulling you into a hug and giving you a few seconds to recover. “Hyunjin, this is like… seriously the best thing anyone has ever done for me, holy shit. God, you Pinterest son of a bitch, this is such a good idea,” you groan, flipping back through the pages and getting teary-eyed all over again, “I can’t express how much this means to me, Jinnie. Thank you, really.”

Flashing that toothy grin of his, Hyunjin tugs you to lie back down with him and tilts your head up to press a much more accurate kiss to your lips. “I meant what I said before, ___,” he murmurs, “I don’t know what to do without you, and I know we only get to see each other once a month but I can’t keep living as just friends. You’re so much more than that. And I hope all the pictures we add from now on will show this new chapter of our lives. If not, well, then I guess I’ll just burn the book.”

“Are you asking me to be Kkami’s official poop-picker-upper?”

“Yes. Wait— what? No!”

You break into a fit of laughter, only to be interrupted with him pinching your side and causing you to let out a yelp. “Hey!” You bark, jumping closer to him and away from his hand until, finally, you give in to your self-indulgence and go right on ahead in swinging a leg over his hips and pinning him beneath you.

“You ruined my serious love speech, ___,” Hyunjin pouts, face scrunched up at you.

“I’m sorry, baby, go on.”

You pause, blinking slowly at him. He blinks back, the silence in the air weighing in heavily as both of your two brain cells bounce around trying to figure out what did you just call him?

“Never mind,” Hyunjin says, voice a low rumble of thunder as he reaches for your hips and easily flips positions, “I think you’re on the same boat.”

You laugh, tilting your head back and eyeing him indignantly. Fuck, he looks unfairly delectable hovering above you.

“Okay, how many more times do I have to tell you I love you for you to formally ask me to be your girlfriend, stupid?” You scowl, bringing your hands to cradle his neck, thumbs brushing delicately against his jaw.

“Call me baby again and we’ll see about making that happen.”

You raise a brow, tugging his face closer by the chain of his necklace. “You’re lucky it’s Christmas, baby.”

[lovelymaybankk]

cant do anything - jj maybank

req: no

#1 angst: I can’t do anything right

w.c: 1.641

tw: mentions of abuse, death, swears, mentions of beer & drugs

a/n: i love jj sm. and im dying my hair pink tehe. also this ones in lowercase bc im lazy. this is rlly bad

it wasn’t odd for jj and y/n to sleepover anywhere but their own houses. they both dealt with their own fair share of shit, desperately doing anything to never be home. though they never talked about it, they knew they were both going through the same things. y/n would have bruises around her hips and ribs, while jj normally had them on his stomach or even around his spine. 

so currently, the two were laid out on the dock beside john b’s house. they were silent, jj sitting up first. its been atleast two weeks since jj had even seen his father. and even though he was a dick, no matter how hard he would try he still found love somewhere in his heart for the man. y/n glanced at him, wondering why he had gotten up. so she matched his sitting position, but instead faced the boy.

“what’s wrong?” y/n asked, legs crossing as her hands went to her knees. she looked peaceful, brushing hair behind her ear.

“i should go home.” jj sighed, not wanting to but he needed to see how his father was. honestly, he knew he shouldn’t go home. he should go as far away from home as possible. but something in him told him he needed to go home. there was a pit in his stomach that he couldn’t explain, using his hands to push himself up and off of the dock.

y/n’s eyebrows furrowed, again matching the boy and standing. “what?” she asked, looking at the taller as if he had two heads. jj shrugged, letting out a heavy sigh. he knew what y/n would say, ‘you’re crazy, hes insane!’ but jj turned on his heel, not responding to his best friend.

y/n trailed behind him, basically interrogating the boy, “i have a bad feeling.” jj finally responded, going inside the chateau. the girls head shook, letting a breath out she didn’t know she was holding. 

“you’re probably just hungry. you haven’t eaten recently,” y/n commented, grabbing the boys bicep to stop him. he shook out of her grip, opening the door to the empty room where they had been staying.

“jj,” y/n sighed, leaning against the door frame as she watched her best friend grab his bikes helmet. “you know what hes gonna do.” they had an unspoken rule, never bring up the others home life. the comment that she made made jj stop, looking at her with angry eyes. 

“you don’t know shit.” jj snarled, but she did. they both knew what was going to happen. he pushed past her, shoes clicking loudly on the wooden floorboards. 

john b entered the house from the deck, staying silent as he watched his two best friends seemingly argue. his arms crossed, tutting to himself as he left to leave them by themselves.

“yes, i do.” y/n argued, now getting angry. he had never wanted to go home, but now he did? “i know your dad.” she seethed, chasing jj as he left the house and walked to his bike.

“god, y/n. lay off. alright? i don’t have a good feeling. i’ll be back soon, holy shit.” jj snapped, putting on the helmet as he sat on the motorbike. y/n stopped a few feet away. 

“ok.” she huffed, watching him speed off. y/n rolled her eyes, turning and going to meet the rest of the group on the deck. “that boy is gonna kill himself.” she took a seat beside kie, arms crossing.

“what happened?” pope questioned, leaning back and crossing his arms. y/n shrugged, not even knowing to be honest. one minute they were fine, next minute y/n cared to much and jj got all prissy on her.

jj drove angrily to his house, not even knowing why it mattered. y/n had pissed him off, asking to many questions. he hates questions. especially from the girl who he loves. likes. he never accepted his feelings, face heating up at the thought of loving her. without knowing, he sped up, taking a sharp turn into his driveway and stopping. 

why had he come home? jj’s breath shortened, stopping the bike and getting off. his foot tapped against the dirt below him, tossing down the helmet. he slowly walked towards the house, entering quietly. “dad?” jj called out, trying to stay silent.

no answer. the next thing jj knew, he was walking into the living room. his breath stopped. his dad was on the couch, empty beer bottles discarded around him. normally, he would think he passed out. but his chest laid still, body looking almost pale. jj knew what happened. his heart felt like it stopped.

his dad. the piece of shit he grew up. his only guardian. was dead. on their couch. jj fell to the ground, knees shaking. he couldn’t breathe. everything felt numb.

it had been two weeks since the group had seen jj. over time, everybody just became more than nervous. so today, they finally decided to see him.

john b got out of the van first, his heart beating in his ears. he slammed on the door, not caring if jj’s dad heard him. “jj!” he screamed, hands turning red from how hard he was hitting the door.

y/n wasn’t far behind, putting her hand on john b’s shoulder. the other two followed them, hearing shuffling behind the door. the door swung open, revealing a definitely high jj. they all let out a breath, y/n pushing past john b and wrapping her arms around  the taller. he shrugged her off, looking at her with confusion.

“hey guyss,” jj slurred, almost falling over. he seemed thinner. had he been eating?

“oh jj,” kie let out a soft sob, doing what y/n had done and hugging him. but only, she wasn’t shrugged off. y/n felt a heartache, body seeming to shake. “where the fuck have you been?” kie pulled out of the hug, feeling the stares from her friends.

jj shrugged, opening his arms to show the messy house. “here.” he continued to slur, bloodshot eyes struggling to stay open.  “when i came homee..” he struggled with words, eyes tearing up at the though of the memory. “i had a baaaddddd feelin’.” the pogues could barely tell what he was saying. 

“and i was riht.” jj muttered, rubbing his eyes. “my dad died.” he said in a soft voice, and everybody stopped. the air went thick. of course, the drunk boy didn’t notice. he fell over onto the floor, john b quick to move and grab him.

hours later, jj woke up from his slumber. his head pounded, ears ringing. everything around him was fuzzy, he could just barely make out a figure infront of him. as his eyes refocused, he noticed the figure to be y/n. he sat up immediately, running his hands through his hair as he watched girl slumped over herself, head handing low as she seemed to be asleep.

as jj moved, y/n woke up quick. “holy shit,” she let out a heavy breath, hands shaking as she got up to hug him. jj leaned into the touch, staying silent as he listened to her breathing. “i thought you died.” y/n mumbled, concern growing for the boy. he didn’t seem to be high or drunk anymore.

“i’m sorry,” jj didn’t want to let his emotions get the best of him. but watching his dad get taken away two weeks ago, leaving him alone left him broken. he didn’t want to be fixed. he barely ate during those two weeks, drinking mainly vodka and beer, abusing the powers of weed and his juul. he wasn’t healthy, but again, he didn’t want to be fixed.

“i just- i was so worried.” y/n stayed in the hug, refusing to let go. she pulled away after a few minutes, sitting at where his feet were. “why didn’t you tell us?” she questioned softly, hand resting on where the boys calf was.

“i felt so weak.” jj admitted, his stomach churning. “i just- i couldn’t move. i couldn’t talk. i should’ve-” he finally broke down, the happy face that y/n remembered hadn’t been there for two weeks. tears quickly ran down his face, pooling at the chin before dropping onto his shirt and soaking it. “i can’t do anything right. if i wasn’t such a fuck up this wouldn’t have happened.” jj sobbed, hands covering his face as his knees pulled to his chest.

jj couldn’t breathe. his breath shortened, his heart seemed to speed up. y/n moved quickly, cooing softly at the boy as she pulled him into a hug. they stayed like that for a little, y/n comforting the boy as he let out all of his emotions until he felt empty. he stopped crying, rubbing his eyes.

“are you okay?” y/n asked, her hand going onto his knee. he stayed silent, and from that she knew her answer. “jj, im gonna be honest. i was worried sick. the moment you stormed out i was so confused, maybe even heartbroken.” she let out a soft, sad chuckle. jj pulled his head up, connecting their eyes. “you’ve always been there for me. you mean the world to me in ways i don’t think you fully understand. i have to say this now.” she wanted to distract the boy, because thats what she was best at, “i love you.” y/n looked in his eyes for any emotion, but she couldn’t tell what he was feeling.

jj grabbed her cheeks with his hands, pulling her close and closing the small gap between them. y/n was shocked, but soon leaned into the touch. 

jj’s mind was occupied, realizing. shit, i coulda been doin this longer?

[slaygentford]

Thoughts on Carl from Shameless? He's not one of my faves but I also find myself thinking about his character in s4 a lot and like. Imo I think s4 is where his character rlly hits the hardest like that last scene with him and frank on the waterfront and how he just wanted to get his shitty dad a new liver and his first heartbreak with bonnie adding real poignancy to his "arc" because she's never returned to the show. And also "why is the world so fucked up" just. S4 Carl.

this is probably my LEAST popular shameless take but come here i’ll tell you.  I fucking LOVE carl gallagher. he’s consistently been a fave and I'm like, @ me, fucking why? but I think it’s because 70% of white guys I knew growing up were carls (except instead of having the stint of racefaking Blackness these gringos were racefaking being members of the Latin Kings bc of where im from geographically), and in carl I recognized sometimes the softer side of those boys I knew, why I put up with them in the first place even though they were so, like, corny, which is what we called cultural appropriation back in the day before anyone told us that word. idk carl is close to my heart. brings back a lot of stuff. he’s both stupid and uneducated, and occasionally malicious, and extremely gullible, and it’s all very like. woof. s4 carl was peak carl because he just wanted to help his dad, and in wanting to help his dad all the shit he performed got stripped away, and he was a kid, and him shaving frank’s head was like. oh cool im heartbroken. im also close to s10 carl tho 1) because of when he says, baffled, I think I'm a democrat? and, 2) the whole thing about working at a fast food place is the best I'm gonna get. that was really like. rough

 the downside of carl is that he’s been like three different characters because no one on this show cares about continuity, but I think s4 carl and 10 carl are at least adjacent, and 1-3 and 5-6 carl are like.. also at least adjacent. it’s just that they’re not all adjacent to, like, each other. which is a real shame. but one of the most interesting things about carl, I think, is that he’s always trying, and not everyone on this show is always trying, because sometimes they’re coasting or going on benders or whatever. but from juvie to becoming a piglet carl’s always been trying to hit the roof of something, to get “there” and he doesn’t even know where there is. and that’s like, inherently interesting. someone who’s trying to attach themselves to absolutely anything, regardless of what it is, just to have an identity. it implies an intense feeling of lostness that’s hard to look at directly. 

if I personally were brought in to singlehandedly write s11 and finish the show I'd do something with ana (like fuck her name is anne her name’s ana name one Mexican girl named ANNE with a fucking e the fuck), something with carl getting some education, understanding a cop is the OPPOSITE of what he wants to be lmao, etc. finding an identity that he really can stick to, really gets.

[wincore]

IT GETS BETTER WHEN I QUIT (╥_╥) until then i’ll just try my best 2 survive

“are you daring me to ruin my life for 2d men” yes 100% that’s exactly what i am saying. U GETTING 2D MEN BRAINROT... >>>>> ill seriously be waiting for the day 😌😌 atsumu is incredibly irritating u will love him. im going to manifest hq tiktok edits showing up in ur fyp JDJWJSJJ

OMGG i never watched coffee&vanilla but now i know not to so thank u LOL i can’t handle watching cringey dramas!! IM SO EXCITED FOR S2 TOO!! i’m not even a horror fan generally but the storyline was so different and mysterious i was hooked!! should i read the manga?? :o how diff would u say it was from the netflix adaptation?

NOO ME TOO!! watching a whole series takes so much brain power and attention 😭😭 esp when starting something new, sometimes i just don’t have the energy to learn abt new characters/a new world

I LOVE THE PREVIEW IM SO SO EXCITED!! “she wins mostly dw” WHEW!! we cannot have jaehyun winning this we can agree on 😫. LMFAOO WHEN I SAW DONGMIN I WAS LIKE :oooo No way.... no way.. that would hurt so bad for me 🙄🙄 perfect man is ur soulmate and u wont even end up together... goodbye.. (ok jaehyun u r ok as well i guess)

YES I REREAD 19K HDJWJJD IT WAS A POST-FINALS TREAT & U ARE AN ACTUAL AUTHOR!!!! also now im rlly curious abt what runway-taeyong’s yn will be like?!? esp in comparison to runway yn!!! give me crumbs pls

“i cannot picture him pissed off apart from that summer fight </3” STOPPPQJDJ ME TOO??? i think e2l with mark is impossible truly... it just doesnt make sense

“i love this characterization of him!!” IM SO GLAD LOL I WASNT SURE ABT MY WORDING!! sicheng rlly is perfect for these kinds of roles & im PUMPED for ceo sicheng for this very reason 👀👀

U HAD ME AT THEME SONG SINCERITY IS SCARY WTFFF!! “i don’t think i’m cut out to write that” i respect ur decision BUT im sure u are capable!!!! when u feel ready i will b here waiting bc i am in luv with just the vaguest concept of this piece! “so him having strong personality traits makes me go 🤔🤔 that man is overreacting” LMFAOOO NOT EVEN JK I AGREE... its disorienting to see him written as intense/broody when most of the time he’s just kinda has one main mode which is 🙂

YESSS FIC WISE BC OF U!!! im in the same boat abt it not working irl, i think if i had beef with a man i would just never interact with them ever again.... no man is worth the time... we are not gonna beef it out we will just cease to know each other. BUT YES BOTH TROPES WORK BETTER IN FIC LMFAO i love the #pining #hurt/comfort #angsttofluff HSJWJSJ

YESS THATS WHY UR VAMP FIC WAS SO REFRESHING!! BC IT WAS DIFFERENT!! if we simply stop pretending bites r enjoyable i think we can begin 2 reverse the damage that media has done to vampire aus

omg that’s a lot of things to do!! PLS MAKE SURE TO GET ENOUGH REST & EAT WELL TOO!! take care of yourself 🤍🤍🤍

- tata

i just started watching jujutsu kaisen and i might just ruin my life for 2d men once again <3 i feel like i wil have a whirlwind obsessive phase like my 15 year old self again goodbye (also. pls. this atsumu character is appealing to me way too much for someone with god level standards for irl men. every time a 2d man is annoying i go 😍💍👰💒 loml) ALSO OK WTF HOW DID YOU PREDICT THAT I’VE BEEN GETTING A LOT OF HQ TIKTOKS IN MY FYP LATELY LIKE I SCROLLED THROUGH 8 CONSECUTIVE ONES 😭😭😭 TATA DID YOU HIJACK MY FYP

sdjgdjs i’ve only ever watched cringe dramas if the man is good looking (but like only clips in this case) or i need to make fun of it with my friends . i like to indulge in horror when i’m anxious bc it somehow makes it better like 😭 at least i have it better than THOSE guys lmfao <3 but also i don’t like heavy gore ahaha. 

some parts of the aib live action i liked WAY better especially bc the actors did so incredibly well portraying the characters (and the 7 of hearts game... bye i took so long coming to terms with it it’s WAY more emotional in the live) and i liked the first game (different in the manga) way more in the live. as for the manga i HATE the ending but also the manga introduces side characters and their stories and i really like that about it! the whole tunnel distance game was actually a side story in the manga and i kind of don’t like them centering the plot too much around arisu (but .. also.. it’s yamazaki kento... and i like that man too much for my dignity..) and also.... i don’t like how they left niragi and aguni’s status undisclosed like that??? like [LIGHT MANGA SPOILERS] they play a very key role in the manga so ?!?! i just hope s2 turns out well netflix i am begging u

ANDSDHSKDJDSL PLS I AM SO SORRY but dongmin is in love with another woman 😔 maybe in some other life. jaehyun is out there being a himbo though so choose carefully what you wish for 🤩 every time jaehyun wins i got mad at myself like no way pilsbury dough boy is winning against miss i know everything

SDHSJD so far lookbook-yn is way more confident and assertive than runway-yn but more in a.. himbo-like way LOL if that makes sense. runway-yn was kind of self conscious and fueled by passion and the need to stand out in their field of work but this yn is more comedic i think lol!! she’s kind of critical and clever in her own way but also she will confidently tell u the wrong directions to the nearest grocery store if u ask bc she thought she knew </3

SDFJGDSJ IT LITERALLY STARTED AS ME DAYDREAMING TO SINCERITY IS SCARY <3 i don’t even have a title yet 🤧 i feel like im favouring this bread man too much but it’s fun to characterize him so <33 i would love for him to be heartbroken and bitter for once 😌 “most of the time he’s just kinda has one main mode which is 🙂” that emoji TOOK ME OUT DSJKDHSD it’s literally him??

men r literally never worth the time </3 either be a lovable himbo or go away 😐 WAIT BC OF ME??? IM STILSLDSHDSKHKDSLJDS ily ❣🌼🌙

why would they make bites to be some sort of sensual thing like literally any other animal biting us for blood would be either horrifying (demon) or just annoying (mosquitoes)

you take care of yourself too!!!!!! hope your job loosens a bit on you and you excel in academics enough to not worry about it 😌 eat well sleep well ily ❤

[cozyteez]

Hii, do u have any tips for writing fics?? I’m so used to writing research reports, lab reports, and formal essays that creative writing has become something I really struggle with. I guess it’s having the freedom to write anything and not knowing how to make sure it’s not corny. I tried outlining a fic one time but it was so frustrating LOLOLOL. Anyways, I love your ateez fics. They are so cute and creative!!

hi !!!! im like rlly touched u asked me and i feel u actually that's why i started this blog; im a biomedical engineering major so as u can imagine i dont get to take much creativity with what i write because writing papers and reports and proposals are so formulaic and u gotta stick to the facts so that being said i actually tested out of all my college writing classes so all my writing knowledge is from ap english in hs lmao so take it w many grians of salt

the #1 thing i do when im feeling sort of unmotivated about a story or maybe like like dragging myself thru mud to write it is to just write the "fun" part first. to me the fun part is usually the climax or maybe the like the "wouldn't it be cute if..." moment that came to mind that inspired me to write a blurb in the first place! then usually once i sort of get the ball rolling on that my brain will help me out and keep the momentum going by thinking of maybe "oohh okay maybe this can happen next" or "oohh and what if this led up to it" or !! just stop there !! something ive learned from my mx writing blog which is like a year older than this one was that you don't owe anybody context especially for a blurb so maybe it really is just 3 sentences of a cute moment u thought of like its whatever ur the one writing it

now for longer fics im going to be honest jongho's first love is my first and only completed attempt at a multi stage coherent story. and that was fueled purely based on the fact that when i look at jongho he just gives off sort a really excited sort of innocence that i wanted to further explore and personify through the idea of him experiencing love for the first time but even then i really struggled w the last part because that's where my personal experience stopped and i had basically nothing to go off of because ive never been in love so i did have to kinda wait for ideas to come to me. for prince yunho i have posted 4 chapters but have all the way through chapter 15 drafted. and by drafted i mean it's like 3 sentences of the overall idea. again, the fic was inspired by the duality between yunho's on stage vs. off stage persona where if somebody was to watch an ateez performance for the first time they may find him very serious and maybe even intimidating but atiny would know that his off stage persona (the one he choses to create for us anyways) is very silly and happy-go-lucky and approachable, which is why prince yunho is seen as narameth's strong and stoic pride and joy but in reality he's sort of clumsy but means well. so i let that and his relationship w xenia who is an original character (OC) sort inspire stories or interactions that i force into a plot line. so for example i believe when i first started thinking abt a prince au for yunho i thought "wouldn't it be funny if the first scene started out painting him as this strong and serious man and then cut to him choking on food or something" and that sort of inspired the idea of him being nervous abt the speech and then xenia came out of that because he needed a complementary character imo since i knew he was gonna be kind of one dimensional and then his backstory with xenia inspired other ideas and then one day i was sad and wanted a hug so that inspired a piece of the plot line and so on. so basically: let an idea or even an aspect of somebody come to you and just write it down, let it inspire other ideas. and don't be afriad to completely start over. i wrote a whole chapter for prince yunho and deleted the whole thing because i hated where it was going and started back from scratch. sometimes you have to revisit things abt your characters and their relationships with others to get a new idea. there's a story in every person and every relationship you just have to find the clues

here's an example of what i mean by "write the good part first". this is typically what the very first draft of a blurb will look like for me

((( blah blah blah basically its raining and y/n is sad bc wooyoung broke her heart two weeks ago idk maybe go into it maybe not)))

y/n is all sad and feeling sorry for themselves on the couch theyre past crying but still feel pretty shitty plus it's storming and cold outside. great

there's a knock on their door ofc they have the cliche "who could that be moment" even tho they lowkey know. we literally all know

so yeah wooyoung's there soaked in rain eyes puffy y/n thinks he's been crying

-this would be the "fun part". i'll fix all that garbage up top later or maybe even change it completely idk yet-

"y/n? i - uh. hi"

he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while you crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to close the door and walk away for good

"hi? really wooyoung? is that the best you can do?"

(((wooyoung does smth idk)))

"well i just -"

"you just what? showed up here in the rain after you broke my heart and didn't even bother to tell me why? this isn't some romance movie, asshole. you can't just come here late at night and expect to find me all sad and willing to take you back because i'm not. so say what you're gonna say so i can get back to my life"

your face was red hot and you trying very hard, probably too hard, to fight back tears. ((( idk talk some more abt y/n's emotions then what wooyoung is doing)))

"look, i made a mistake i-"

"oh my god! why did i know you were gonna do this. i just knew as soon as i saw you-"

"will you let me get a fucking word in!?"

well that was new. in the entire time you'd known him he had never raised his voice at you like that, your shock causing you to immediately close your mouth and fold your arms back into yourself (((make y/n seem more scared))) noticing your reaction, he lowered his voice back down and instictively reached for you, heartbroken at the way you jerked away from his touch

"please y/n, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to raise my voice it's just that i need to tell you that i regret what i did i regret breaking up with you so fucking much and you don't have to take me back i just need you to know how much you meant, no, mean to me. i still love you, a lot. there's not a day, an hour, a minute, or a single second that goes by that i'm not thinking of you"

"then why?"

your voice was small and wavering, your tears now dangerously close to spilling down your cheeks

"why what?"

"why did you break up with me like that, just all of a sudden"

he pushed his hands into his pockets and looked away

"because that morning i woke up before you and when i looked at you asleep next to me, i saw myself spending the rest of my life with you and it scared the shit out of me"

"why did it scare you?"

"because i just figured you didn't feel the same. i was selfish and wanted to save myself heartbreak down the line and so i told you i didn't wanna be with you anymore, but that was a mistake because it turns out i can't function with out you, i can't breathe without you i can't live without you, y/n. i shouldn't have let you go"

tears were now freely flowing down your face (((okay brain no work anymore y/n kisses him duh and then ofc they make up wooyoung prob says smth cheesy and y/n is like ur lucky i love you or smth ahaha the end)))

tl;dr -> don't be afraid to get messy. creative writing is not nearly as structured as academic/scientific writing. write whatever u want first it can even be the middle of a huge fight scene or some dialogue u think is funny. if ur stuck read what you have or maybe just take a break and let an idea come to you. a story doesnt have to come together til the very end so it can be as messy and out of order as u want until u wanna post it. also i would always use the third person omniscient point of view for a longer story like a chaptered fic as a default and only change if it would impact the plot in a negative way. this is where the narrator knows what every character is thinking/feeling and im p sure a teacher in middle school told me it was the easiest to write and follow

[homestucky]

bluhhhh have any of u guys seen that post thats like 

author: *writes sympathetic villain*

reader: *sympathises with villain*

tumblr purity police: nooOoooo you caaant do thatttt 

or w/e and then the op rbs it saying 

btw this is about every villain character youve ever hated and judged people for liking

or something idk im paraphrasing but it rlly got my GOAT bcaus like if your argument was just like hey let people find villains enjoyable to read and interesting then id be like cool i guess. if it was just the first part of the post then id be like yeah fair point. but the addition to it like. i appreciate its not that deep but ... not every villain who people sympathise with was WRITTEN to be sympathetic. i get that they were being hyperbolic but like. 

ok im not gonna kick anyones door down for sympathisng a character or try to ruin their life or something but like. ur seriously implying that any time someone finds a character sympathetic, theyre right because that means the author must have written them to be sympathetic??? i dont want to be rude b ut there are plenty of people who sympathise with characters for the most backwards batshit reasons on here, despite the author almost explicitly begging them not to. 

tbh im not really sure what it is the ‘purity police’ in this context are doing exactly? just disagreeing with people? or harassing?? like ok yeah dont harass people, thats bad. but if theres a character who is very clearly motivated to do cruel things purely out of hatred, bigotry and a background of privilege, and you wilfully misinterpret any kind of depth or background theyre given i.e. getting ‘heartbroken’ or ‘saying a nice thing to someone once’ as ‘making them sympathetic’, then bend over backwards to explain why the character is the real victim and everyone on here is terrible for not seeing it, not affording any kind of generosity in their interpretation of other, actually victimised characters generally because they arent skinny white dudes or whatever, people are gonna respond and disagree with you, and take it as a reflection of your values! 

ok look uhh. this rant is fairly nonsensical bcaus i cant find all the right words and tbh im kind of stretchign the message of ops post to facilitate my rant because its something that bugs me but like. it really irritates me when people think that they have discovered the true objective meaning of the authorial intention based on some NONSENSE they want to believe. like at least just say u are following death of the author. dont just. see things when they arent there . tbh im not actually beefng w op, more just the fact that i bet a bunch of people w just like rlly bad opinions are reblogging it like hell yeah this post says im right!!

n idk if this applies to what op is saying but like, if youre saying ‘this character who kills a bunch of people is meant to be sympathetic as planned by the author’ and people disagree with u they might not be being purity police, they might just... be better at reading authorial intention than u are....

[violetrance]

Idk where this sudden burst of confidence came from but i am seeing people who were doubtful are now so sure of klance endgame. Yes Jeremy said something will happen but I am still doubtful and I could beat myself up for it but he could be talking about any one not just klance. Sorry but I have been in a fandom where people were so sure of this pairing becoming canon and it had so much evidence as well but it didnt happen. I was confused and heartbroken and Im scared to be diappointed again.

Lemme say this first, if Klance doesn’t become canon it’s not a big deal okay? I know a lot of ppl will be disappointed, but don’t let this rule over your life. And you can still ship them even if they aren’t canon, cuz tbh a lot of fanon has made this ship more enjoyable rather than canon :)

But on a side note, I’m going to summarize some really solid proof and evidence that Klance has a very good chance at becoming canon:

1. Jeremy emphasising that something might happen between two characters in terms of the LGBTQ rep in the show

(Let me also say that Keith and Lance will obvs not be the only LGBTQ rep in the show, but in terms of Jeremy’s wording they have a very good chance at being apart of this rep as a same sex couple)

- Lance will have an end game romance (his romance will bring him in a different place than where he first started in the series, they will be someone he needs instead of someone he wants, Jeremy also mentioning that eventually you’ll find that one person instead of kind of going all over the place) - In terms of this, when did we REALLY start to see Lance mature and branch off into his arc, s3 with Keith. Not to mention their last interaction was with Keith reassuring Lance about his position on the team, this obviously helped him bcuz look at him now

(- Also Lance needs someone who is self assured - Keith is off on his own arc too and he’s come across his mother. His mother is the main reason why Keith isn’t self assured and afraid of rejection. Him meeting her again will definitely help improve his character as a whole)

- Lance parallels Blaytz, the original Blue paladin, like to the point where it’s not even a coincidence (Blaytz was shown flirting with a male) - adding onto this, the amount of bi flag symbolism portrayed around Lance and even some of his moments with Keith isn’t coincidental, but very purposeful. Lance making similar expressions towards Keith as he has Allura?? Allura and Keith paralleling each other?? These are also not coincidences. Lauren’s art with Lance holding the LGBTQ sign a long with Shiro, someone he’s looked up to and will most likely be an aid to him through this? Just like Hunk was to Keith for his Galra reveal, and Allura was to Pidge during her Gender reveal (Shiro is most likely LGBTQ too, just like how Allura is a female in terms of gender, and Hunk is Samoan in terms of race) 

- That being said since Keith literally fits the characteristics of Lance’s end game and he is NOT straight, but also Lance will most likely fit into the LGBTQ category as well based on that evidence, they both have an extremely good possibility of being an end game couple 

- Since s1 Keith has shown interest in Lance, ever since their romantically coded bonding moment (that moment parallels Hunk and Shay who are romantically coded, and A LOT of their other moments parallel Lotura who are ALSO romantically coded, this is not a coincidence) - But like I’ve emphasised, their romance is slow burn, once they start something between each other it NEVER finishes because they are dragging it out to a certain point

- Jeremy’s smile every time someone mentions Klance? How hyped he always is for them? And now revealing that something will happen between two characters? It’s not a coincidence. But if Keith and Lance just end this all off as an amazing team and good friends, I wouldn’t even be complaining, but all of this just fits too well for that. Jeremy has also said they become better friends in the future, so that’s also important to note too

- Also Lauren mentioning that the characters need to stand on their own before getting involved in romance? That is literally the main purpose of Keith and Lance’s separate arcs right now. I have no doubt in my mind that the heart grows fonder with distance trope is in play right now

2. Lauren and Joaquim deflecting Klance

- These two emphasised that Klance was never supposed to be intentional, meanwhile they literally BLATANTLY parallel two romantically coded pairs and they have offered up a ship name called Laith that literally means LION, Lance being Keith’s stability? Is someone really going to try and tell me that this was “accidental?”

- Also, they deflect so much huge plot points in the show just for the purpose that nothing will be spoiled, they did this with Pidge being a boy, they did this with Allura not being paladin material, they did this when saying romance won’t be a huge focus in the show and then literally romantically coding Lotura in the next season…

- So the fact that they’re doing it with Klance is rlly not a coincidence. Ppl always pull out that card with them saying they can’t go back and make Keith and Lance in love cuz they’re ahead of the storyline. Ever thought that’s because they’re already in love and that’s how the storyline’s already written out? Ever thought that it’s cuz they can’t make them in love right off the bat since their relationship is slow burn? You know, cuz they’re not trying to cater to shippers. Nowhere in that interview did they flat out say Keith and Lance have no possiblity of falling in love or that they weren’t canon. Cuz they CAN’T. Also I wouldn’t even be surprised if that was deflecting too, considering they’ve said that Korrasami were only gal pals and look where they are now…

3. Them saving Shiro

- A theory has already been written about this and I was thinking about it for a long time too, but Keith and Lance will most likely be the ones to save Shiro from the astral plane or whatever virtual mindscape he’s in LOOL

- I’m not going to go too deep into this bcuz it’ll be hella long, but think about what could happen between them considering this is a STRONG possibility:

- They will definitely grow closer bcuz of this (considering Keith has been the only one Lance has gone to about his issues in the first place, love is about being vulnerable after all, which is literally what HE wrote in his guide to falling in love)

- Considering the show is not yet over, this will give them very good development in their relationship (the bedroom scene and bonding moment parallel each other, where they both started to see each other in a different light, but before anything could become of it they were cut off from each other) - Lance rejected Keith claiming that they bonded and grew closer bcuz he wasn’t fond of him in s1 and also his character was not at the point where it is now. Please imagine the Lance from right now being told about their bonding moment, he’d be so much more open to it. Keith leaving the team (coincidentally right after he grew closer to Lance too) bcuz he was afraid of rejection so he broke apart from them first, now he’s come across his mother and she will help him improve himself. Once he returns from this, he will let his family in more and Lance too trust me. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both of these plot points in which they could have gotten closer and fallen in love could be easily fixed by the seperate arcs that are occuring right now

- Lance and Keith’s storylines are so interwined as well like (don’t follow in his footsteps? How their lions parallel their actual characters in terms of each other? We literally see Keith through Lance’s eyes the first moment they meet and they are set up as a pair immediately. And there is SO much more)

They actually have proper development between the other for it to build into a relationship in the future. Jeremy saying that there’s prob gonna be an end game between two same sex characters further proves that. And if it doesn’t happen, again, it isn’t the end of the world, but after writing all of this, it just makes the most sense rn. 

[rbbtrd]

I Love Healing

i wrote this when i was tryin to vent but i have no idea how to fuckin vent so instead i. tried to write out healings entire bg lmao a lot of brain stuff was goin on so it might not b. the best piece of literature uve ever read

some misc facts and other htings might b missing bc (points at how fucked my brain was and also how fuckin VAST healings character is and how much development he has)

//warnin theres kinda crass and sensitive language or whatever and there will b mentions of diff kinds of abuse in his story and other not good things under cut so my bad but i wasnt in a good state of mind and tryin to tag n warn u abt it all is skjncfdvav plus this was a vent post for me originally anyways lmao

//another warning lmao under the cut is a Wall Of Text there is a LOT of stuff under cut like 6000+ words so like. warned ya my pals

healing is my favorite fuckin oc and p much. why i fuckin stay alive sknfsef he means so so much to me and has so much meaning to me and is very very very very very very very important to me i fucking Love healing okay i project a lot (i.e All Of Myself) onto healing so he is p much almost quite literally me and vice versa but also not rlly??? its weird and complicated lmao i Love this man tho no one will ever love him more than i do i will fuckin Fight you hes so improtant to me

he is 57 yrs old, his birthday is march 17 but also dec 5th (its complicated) but mostly march 17, his favorite color is red not only bc im projecting but his first loves fav color was also red, he is 5″7 ft tall, hes very silly and kooky and tries his best to become happy and heal and learn and atone for what hes done and expereinced, he LOVES the sea and the ocean and anything relating them like the sea/ocean is very very very important to him for multiple reasons, also loves rabbits and goats and has 2 pet goats (i like to call em his service animals lol)

healing was born to both pure blood tiefling parents, his mother was a servant/slave that belonged on a ship and his father basically just knocked her up, he never met or knew anything about his father other than that he was a tiefling and misc stuff his mom/other servants had told him. his dad is mordecai ahkrah and hes chaotic evil and genuinely a very fucking awful person, his mom is ariarei kallies and is just?? kinda a chatoic neutral, maybe more of a lawful evil, but she has a very bad selfish personality and nasty. she holds no maternal feelings for healing and only sees him as a nuisance and only takes care of him (taking care of him means. The Bare Minimum. i.e- makin sure hes just Not Dead) bc she has to and kinda forcced to. healing does not see ariarei as his mother, but “as the woman who birthed me / brought me into this world” and stuff like that and therefore holds no feelings towards her like a child would w their mother, over the years, healing considers the ocean/sea as his mother more than ariarei and is more emotionally connected to the sea

 healings mom actually never named him, he was nameless/had no name up until the age of 27-28. both his mom and the owners of the ship and whoever hired him always only ever called him “boy”, “child”, “it”, “thing”, “errand boy”, “chore boy”, and names like that bc he never had a name and no one bothered to give him one. both his mom and the owners/ppl who hired him treated him very very poorly and did abuse him frequently in many different ways and manners (lmao projects myself onto my oc) so he has a lot of feelings and experiences w lots of kinds of traumas and abuse

he most specifically received a lot of physical abuse especially from ppl and verbal abuse, some but not too much emotional abuse, and also a handful of sexual abuse. at the time, he thought it was fine and normal and did not realized he was being abused bc “this is just how life is” bc he had literally. never heard of or experienced anything else other than a shit life.

he didnt rlly think anything of the poor treatment or the abuse bc this was all he ever knew, he grew up this way, so he thought it was normal and thought everyone didnt feel anything and if they did OF COURSE theyd b negative feelings, bc thats all u (healing at the time) r capable of feeling. he doesnt get out of this mentality until hes around 18-22

he receives a handful of scars and marks from his time as a servant, he got his first scar when he was a literal Baby bc he was cryin out and his ma got mad and upset abt and scratched his face thus resulting in his lip scar. when he was like 5-7 he met this other servant kid who had The Very Opposite mindset he had and was v bright and optimistic and he dragged healing along when he played and he broke smth and healing took the cover not bc he wanted to save this kid but bc it would be less troublesome bc then the current owner would only have to punish 1 child and the other kid was well liked on the ship unlike healing so then the morale of the servants wouldnt be affected. the owner beat him up p bad but it Wasnt Enough so he smashed healings face into the wooden boards so hard it Broke The Board and also broke his right horn, this also gave his scarring above his brow and stuff up to the broken horn. another prominent scar he has that holds memory to him is the scar on his chest above his heart, where he got that from a case where he was sexually abused and his abuser threatened to tear out his heart if he kept bein a brat. he has NO SCARS on his tail tho, but thats literally bc up until he was w morgan, he was just Lucky in not havin his tail injured. from the time he met morgan and beyond, he then started to actively protect his tail from harm and from ppl touchin it bc morgan said he rlly liked his tail and how it looked and how cool it was and from then on hes liek Oh

he constantly worked when he was of age to and started w small things and worked up to doin manual labor and other things, he only stayed w his mom up until the age of 11-12, after that they were separately sold to different ships and never saw eaqch other again. from that point on, he was switched around a few different ships and buyers, but was otherwise was still  just treated as cargo and property like he had been the past few years. 

the ship he was on at the age of 17 was stopped and liberated by a man named morgan wake (also can be written as morgain), a  human sailor captain (some kind of good, leanin on neutral or chaotic) who specializes in trade, cargo, and just transportation, but also will sell his abilities to fight/go into war or battle and liberates slave ships on his free time lol morgan becomes a Very Very Very important person to healing and is ESSENTIAL to shaping healing into who he is now. healing slowly falls in love with morgan over the years, but never tells morgan abt these feelins bc 1) he doesnt kno what the FUCk hes feelin lmao this boy has only experienced negative emotions and feelings up until he met morgan and 2) he thinks morgan will think hes weird or wrong or gross or smth. healing had absolutealy NO PLACE and NO ONE to go to after he was liberated so morgan saw this and was like Hey. You Should Come Work Under Me For MY Ship. morgan is a BIG BIG BIG guy on justice and equality and stuff for ALL PEOPLE and EVERYONE so this is also a reason why he let healing onto his ship of mostly humans and half-elves and halflings and also this part abt morgan rubs off on healing so healing also becomes a big guy on justice and equality and stuff

the ship morgan owns is a Lil prejudiced againt tieflings so they arent jumpin for joy when morgan makes healing his first mate at the age of 19 bc theyre. Gently Racist over tieflings but morgan kicks their ass and makes healing his first mate and right hand man anyways. at this point, healing is still nameless bc morgan tells him “i cant give you a name, a name is really important, its your identity and what makes you YOU, its ur soul and ur dreams and ur hopes, its YOU, you hear a name and u think of that person etc etc etc” and rlly cheesy stuff like that pertaining to names so morgan is Vehemently against naming healing and instead calls him “buddy”, “pal”, “friend”, “best friend”,  “first mate”, “mate”, and other various nicknames made over the years. he was very adamant on having healing name himself and refused to call him by a name that someone else gave him bc healing told him abt his mom and how he said that his mom wasnt rlly a mother in the first place

morgan knows Everything abt healing and healing w him vice versa bc when they first met and healing was still in his Uhm Nothing Matters Ill Tell You Everything mindset, he told morgan the story abt all his scars and what has happened to him up until that point and what people have done to him. morgan is truly very genuinely heartbroken over this?? bc healing was just Born into this world of shit and awful things that he didnt deserve and also the fact that healing just spoke of his abuse so freely and casually as if it meant nothing and didnt matter and healings view on his own life and life in general due to how he has lived so far and morgan makes it his personal mission to help healing grow out of this and start to become more Alive and less :| and :/ abt life 

morgan becomes very important for and to healing bc like. he literally taught healing Emotions and how amazing and happy and good life can be. morgan taught healing how to Be Alive and Want To Be Alive and how to Feel. before when he was a servant, he was literally just a Shell and genuinely thought life was Supposed to just be inherently shitty and ur suposed to always expereince bad htings and ALWAYS feel ONLY bad negative emotions and feelings.he thought that if he died, it wouldnt matter AT ALL bc he would easily b replaced by another servant and his life had literally no meaning and he genuinely thought he would die before the age of 20 and he was Okay with that he thought it was fine he thought it was okay to not expect to live past 20-25 and etc etc etc. 

when he saved healing, morgain was already quite old-ish?? he was 30 yrs old when healing (at the time, age 17) met him. healnig didnt rlly start to fall in love until around age 19 just some time b4 morgan made him first mate. over the years that healing is on morgans ship, he becomes who he is bc of morgan and  he learns things abt himself and who he is and builds himself bc of morgan and he becomes who healing is in these very moments that he spends with morgan and rightly falls in love because of it bc morgan Saved Him from so many things. morgan took an empty husk and shell of a man that had Began as empty and put smth in it. he had breathed life into an empty bag and made music, he had taken a broken branch and carved a nice ass figure. morgan took something with nothing and gave him Everything.  healing has such a strong connection and attachment to morgan yall cant even begin to understsand it. Runs So Deep in healing, this lov and feeling and attachment he has to morgan

morgan also rlly rlly rlly Rlly likes and appreciates healing and actually also loves healing in the same way, but doesnt tell healing for the same reasons why healing wont tell morgan. they spend the next 10 yrs basically unknowingly pining over each other bc theyre too fuckin afraid to tell each other bc they think the other is gonna b homophobic and its Awful. but also like. sailors back in the day were Rlly Gay so healing and morgan have had their fair share of mutual masturbation and Very Gay Activities w each other bu they were never in the context of romance or in a relationship beyond like. Rlly Rlly Good Best Friends lmao like sex friends but better??

bc healing. was never fuckin educated lmao he doesnt kno how to read or write. over the years he spends with morgan, he BARELY understand the alphabet tbh. he can like,,,,,, understand certain words but he doesnt recognize those words as words they register kinda like symbols in his head. numbers r even WORSE for healing lmao. like he understands map terms north, east, west, south, map, longitude/latitude, etc etc but he recognizes the words as like pictures or symbols in his head that relate to object or meaning or smth, kinda how u see a lil pic of a tree and u recognize it as a tree, thats him w words. healing was morgans first mate and co-captain for 10 years, he often went with morgan to negotiations and business meetings and trades and etc etc etc healing is VERY good w his words bc of this and is actually rlly smart and intelligent and wise. he just cant read or write lol. he has a +0 intelligence on his sheet but a +3 wisdom

healing lives the next 10 yrs of his life after being liberated at the age of 17 to 27 w morgan and his ship and his crew and hes enjoying himself and livin it to the fullest and hes happy and its so good and all is well, but also keep in mind that healing, through out all of these 10 yrs, has STILL not have a name for himself yet. BUT morgan HAS given healing a seashell necklace as well as his ear piercings. he wears these items everyday and they hold like. a lot of emotional important and support for him

but then morgan dies LMAO morgan dies at the age of 40 when healing is 27 and he dies from both sickness from old age (bc sailors back then. died p early skdjfnwsndv) and also from an injury wound he had gotten when in battle earlier that month. morgans death strikes his crew very harshly but without a doubt everyone on the ship agreed that healing was the MOST hurt and affected and shaken from morgans death. morgans last words and also his will states that he wanted healing to become the new captain of the ship. healing doesnt rlly become the new captain bc hes too busy mourning over his death for the next yr.

morgan and healing NEVER tell each other abt their feelings for one another, so morgan dies with this regret of never saying anything and healing lives with the regret of never saying anything before he died. this plays into how healing chose his name

after his mourning and grieving period he starts to slowly collect himself and in this period of time, this is where he finally chooses his name. he thinks abt how morgan was never able to call him by a proper name despite how important names were to morgan, so as hes starting to heal from his death, he picks his own name for himself. he debated on choosing his name as love, bc he loved morgan but never told him despite the fact that morgan quite literally taught him how to love. but he decides on the name healing bc he also thought abt how morgan said how he wanted to help healing start to mend and heal from all the trauma and abuse hes been through and healing sort of just shoved love into that process of healing, therefore That Is His Name Now. his name is now like. an important memoir of morgan as well as like. His Name. his name now holds a very hefty important weight and meaning to him now.

when morgan dies, he makes a lot of vows to himself like how hell never love someone again and how he would keep up morgans work and how he would keep morgans policy of justice and equality and how he would never treat people the way he was treated as a servant and how he would never hurt someone on purpose. after morgans death, he starts to like. hoard items he thinks morgan would have liked and then eventually this just turns from “hoarding for morgan” to “depression coping hoarding” and he just hoards things he thinks has some use or worth of value (which is like. Everything lmao so he never throws stuff away)

the ship crew are not All That Happy that healing is their new captain, but they really did intensely respect and appreciated morgan both as a captain and an individual so they abide by his will and last words and let healing be captain despite the fact that they thought hed b bad at it. but Surprise Surprise healing is actually rlly rlly good at being a captain bc he spent 10 yrs by morgans side and he knows how to do everything rlly well and the crew r kind of surprised and apologize for sterotypin him and for being so prejudiced and not trustin him and etc etc etc and healing is happy for another long while bc now he has like?? a family?? this crew was now his family and he loved everyone on this ship and they loved him?? he was Rlly Good at what he did bc he took over morgans work of trade and also liberating ships and sellin his time to fight for ppl and he was super close to his crew and they grew closer over the yrs and they give him a seashell bracelet similar to how morgan gave him the necklace and earrings so now healing has like. a physical object to associate his emotional relationship and feelings and shit to like he did for morgan w the necklace and earrings

but ofc knowin me its time to Fuck Him Over Again lmao over the yrs while hes in his 30s hes gets like. Rlly Rlly Rlly well known for his deeds and his work and actions so he gets super popular and he has. A Lotta Sex and is Very Well Known for sex and also his dick lol and also sometimes got into. not so hot relationships. at current time right now, age of 57, healing has 5 children he isnt aware of bc he left the other person before they even Knew they were pregnant. he was rlly good with not letting his partner get pregnant but accidents happen lmao sometimes he let the fame and popularity get to his head so he was kind of a Cocky Narcissistic Dick sometimes 

a total of 5 times during his 30s he got himself into. very bad toxic abusive manipulative relationships. these 5 people were all very similar in what they did to healing and how they did it to him. in each of these 5 cases, both healing and his crew reacted the same. when u hang out w manipulative bad ppl, u kinda become manipulative and bad urself, and thats what happened w healing and his crew. these 5 ppl preyed on the fact that healing was emotionally very weak and vulnerable to romantic affection and intimacy and how he had a Rlly Rlly Big Fear of losing people he loved or cared about. they made him care abt them and threatened to leave him if he didnt do what they wanted, as well as abuse him in other different manners physically, emotionally (BIG TIME emotional abuse), verbally, and mentally. during the itme he was in these relationships w these ppl, healing was very much not like his usual self, hes a chatoic neutral but when w theswe ppl he was like?? lawful evil?? true evil?? he became Rlly Bad and did Rlly Bad things that, now in current day time he regrets deeply and feels.

when he was in these relationships, they made him break a lot of the vows he took when morgan died or else theyd do smth to him or to themself ot to his crew or smth like that and it haunts him to this very day abt how he could have done those things to those people despite the fact that the same was done to him and how he NEVER wanted to do that to other people. it dredges bad things up in his memories and in his heart and he has nightmares abt both his traumas and abuse as well as the traumas and abuse hes made others go through.  these people hurt him very deeply in his 30s and scarred him emotionally and mentally more intensely than the people that mistreated him when he was a servant

his 30s was a. Rollercoaster tbh. he went thru very intense and frequent highs and lows bc the time when he was with these people they were his Very Very Low Lows and when he wasnt with them and just doing his job w his crew and livin life he was very happy and his life took on a Very Good High. as he got a lil older at the age of 37 he was doing good and it was a high during his lifetime and that point and when he was 37 he was actually on his ship hunting down a bandit/pirate ship bc someone had bought his ships and effort to help them track down this ship

he has a lot of adventures in his 30s and goes thru so many things and and thru so many situations and so many people and encountered just. A Lot Of Stuff in General. hes experienced probs like. 2 lifetime of experiences and shit by the age of 37 lmao but he wouldnt trade any of these experiences, good or bad, for ANYTHING in the world

but sadly (bc i love makin his life so full of angst) as hes chasing this ship, a Rlly Big Storm comes by and fuckin. WRECKS his ship. absolutely obliterates it. it catches fire and tons of his crew members r jumpin off and panicking and the ship is falling apart and hes so AAAAAAAAAAAAA rn. in the future, the imagery of a sunken or turned up or just in general not normal 100% functioning ship is very unsettling to him and triggers this rlly bad memory. also Rlly Rlly Rlly BIG BIG fires unsettle him very badly and makes him Extremely Uncomfortable but it doesnt rlly trigger this bad memory as much as broken ships do

healing is knocked from the ship and passed out and when he awakes hes on the shore with the remains of wood from his ship along the shore and he is. absolutely broken. he lost his Whole Family in one night and yet he was the one who didnt die?? he assumes everyone on his crew ship died (even tho some survived but he has yet to encounter them) and he was the only one who survived and at the moment he HATED this fact. he hated that he was left to live and he reverts back to his mindset that he had when he was younger how his life didnt matter and etc etc etc

hes also??????????? SUPER upset and heartbroken that the sea was the one who did this to him. the ocean, to which he was born and raised on (he has never lived on land in the past 37 yrs of his life, hes been on land and stayed overnight at inns or smth and stuff but hes never Lived anywhere on land and thinks houses r Weird bc hes lived on a boats and ships for 37 yrs kjefnvslefv), the ocean to which he considered his real mother, the ocean that granted him so much freedom from so much of the things that hes experienced, the ocean to which he was so deeply emotionally connected to and how much the sea had meant to him. he knows he cannot control the sea and accepts that the sea had sunken his ship but that doesnt mean hes not going to still feel sad and shitty abt it lol 

he Basically has a meltdown at this shore and cursin at how he should have been the one to die in this wreck and passes out bc. exhaustion and etc lmao. and then in comes Love Interest #2, noel, a neutral good wood elf monk who, just like morgan, is a very free spirit and very kind and reminds healing just enough of morgan to make his heart start to feel something again

noel sees this tieflin dude passed out on the beach and is like. Oh. Thats Not Good. and he goes to help him out and brings him back to his campsite to patch him up and heal his wounds and take care of him and nurture him back to health a bit until healing wakes up.

healing is like HWHA and is like uhhhh thnks but i gotta Go Now bc Yet Again in this mnoment he vows a bunch of other shit like how hell live a life of solitude and never involve himself w others bc he thinks of himself as a harbinger of bad things and chaos and doom and misfortune follows him and how everyone he loves or tells them abt his life/story dies

but noel is too friendly and caring to just Let Him Go and hes just rlly interested in healing just as an individual and just also wants a companion to travel w bc hes just like a wandering monk who weaves in and out of woods and forests and villages and stuff

fast forward- after a Lot of effort and A Lot of time and A Lot of trust and such, healing slowly Very Very Slowly opens up to noel about himself and his life and what hes gone though and all of the sort of bad and good things hes experienced and grows closer to him and they fall in llove with each other and its both mutual and healing is like “wow??? being in love is so nice?? this is such a good feeling?? i love noel and he loves me back and we can kiss and hug and do stuff and both of us know we are doing this out of mutual romantic attraction??????????” and this is like. A Brand New Feeling for healing bc his relationship and love for morgan was 100% unrequited

noel basically becomes healings teacher tbh since noel is a monk he teaches healing the way of bein a monk most specifically the way of the 4 elements. noel is a master of the way of the 4 elements, but is best w earth and air, healing has such a strong attachment to the water and a close relation with fire so hes naturally like. rlly good w those 2 lmao he catches on real quick despite the fact that. only noel is teaching him and neither of them belong to a temple or have a temple to go to lmao

as time goes on both healing and noel are like. kinda famous monks that travel through the land and are well known bc healing was already previously well known as a rlly rlly cool famous captain and now he kinda dropped off the face of the earth for like 5 yrs but now hes back w noel and he looks a lil diff now bc hes older and his hairs a lil longer but ppl are aware that hes healing

its all good and healing is enjoying life real nice rn and hes happy once again and hes in love with noel and noel is in love with healing and its so good and healing is traveling again but also like. up until he was 37 yrs old he was like livin at sea on a ship. so when he goes along w noel when they travel through the woods on land its kinda Weird for him bc hes like. Never Been On Land For This Long lmao

from the moment he was stranded on that beach to right now in his current time, healing ALWAYS has smth of the sea/ocean w him ALWAYS it is a must and he has to have it for multiple reasons and most of the reasons are for like. safety reasons?? theyre like his safety items it calms him down and soothes him in multiple ways like emotionally and mentally. he ALWAYS has at LEAST 1 (one) bottle or flask or SOMETHING filled w sea water he always has some sea water on him, he also just. collects a MASSIVE amount of shells and sea glass and any other things u could find on the beach or sea he always has some of this stuff on him for comfort and stuff

like with all of the deep and intimate and important and emotional relationships in his life, noel gives healing smth that he can attach noel to emotionally and etc etrc etc. noel gives healing tattoos that are like monk tattoos and symbolize what he does best on his back i.e fire and water and also a few like. just fun lil casual tattoos to make healing and himself happy like a boat and anchor on his wrist and stuff and healing is like Oh Gee Hope Nothing Bad Happens

but smth bad does happen lol. after 10 literal yrs (healing is now 47) theyre in the woods camping out and etc etc etc and its like the dead of night and theyre sleepin in their tents and its good and all but then some bandits or smth just pass by their site and decide “hey. lets fuckin loot this place and fuck shit up” and they do and engage in combat w noel and healing and its just a series of unfortunate events and bad luck and timing and long story short these bandits do lethal and fatal damage to noel but healing manages to fend em off and they go running and now healing is kneeling over the dying body of his lover

noel literally dies in healings arms and this event triggers all of his previous mental state and mindset from before abt how hes a harbinger of bad things and how everyone he loves does and he only brings misfortune and hes liike “y do the ppl around me die???? y cant *I* be the one to die for once??? wtf????” and he feels so many emotions and is so ANGRY at himself bc This Just Keeps happening and the people he loves just keep Getting Hurt and he cries and buries noel and makes a grave and does a lot of sentimental stuff and mourns and just stays where he is in the woods for like. weeks until his supplies runs out and he finally leaves the area of the forest hes in with a heavy… Everything slkdfnvsdkfs fvhesfdnviksfd hes RLLY intensely emotionally and mentally fucked now

he makes the same kinds of vows as before again plus some but now its even STRONGER. he Will Not EVER fall in love ever again, he will never tell anyone ANYTHING abt him thats not surface level info, he takes up his old vows like never hurt ppl on purpose and never treating him the way he was treated and how he will upkeep his code of justice and equality, and how he will NEVER EVER have any deep relationships and friendships and he will keep them very surface level and how he will keep everyone at like an arms distance and a half from him

and so he mourns over his lost loved ones and is just a fuckin angsty emotionally shut and locked up traveling tiefling monk and hes alone and just. travels bc he feels like if he stays in one place too long he might bring misfortune to the ppl around him and he just. BASICALLY keeps this up for ANOTHER 10 yrs dsfkjvnsenfvedv je travels around EVERYWHERE and the first few years he tried his best to avoid rlly thick wooded areas and the sea but eventually he grew and healed a bit more and allowed himself to get on boats again and go thru forests and woods

healing chose his name bc he wanted to heal and grown and change and become a better person and try his best to just be as happy as he could be and to atone for what hes done and just. try to get thru life at this point. and make sure he leaves people better than when he meets them and to make sure everyone he encounters have AT LEAST a Not Bad impression of him. so thats basically what his goal is after noel dies and he just travels on his own and in solitude and he nevers takes along a companion and is jsut by himself and quite literally isolates himself all the time. he keeps the people he talks to at an arm and a halfs distance, he never lets them know anything below surface level info abt him, he like?? basically puts on a front and all but he is still genuinely friendly and likes to talk to ppl he just. doesnt want them to know any like Substantial Info abt him or kno him beyond surface level and stuff

after some time tho he meets a man named elias aka MAN OF THE HOUR aka my datefriends oc and he jsut?? will NOT leave healing alone he just WILL NOT go away and he basically just. is forcibly at healings side as they travel and healing just CANNOT get rid of him and elias is just with him and hes trying to pry thru healings massive amounts of layers and walls and barriers and etc etc etc and ofc he does this respectfully hes not like. forcing his way into healings life and forcing healing to tell him abt his life he just. wants to kno more abt him and is very genuinely attracted to this man in many many ways 

healing realizes he cant force elias to go away and is just like (shrugs) ok w/e guess i cant get rid of u and tries to keep his walls and his front up but he just finds himself getting rlly comfortable w elias?? he finds his presence soothing and stuff bc hes been alone for the past previous yrs and now he has a companion again and its a rlly nice feeling and they grow a lil closer bit by bit over time

more time passes on and eventually, in the middle of a mental break/meltdown, healing just. Spills Everything to elias like. All Of His Life from the moment he was born until this current faction in time where hes sobbing into elias’ arm about his whole life and he feels kind of better and its okay for a while and he just passes out in elias’ arms but then he wakes up and has a panic attack and is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I TOLD THIS MAN MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW OR HELL DIE I RLLY LIKE HIM THO I DONT WANT HIM TO DIE and he faces the facts that he 1) likes elias 2) is very internally and mentally fukt 3) is internally rlly fuckin secretive and tries to hide everythin abt himself and 4) is Dyin Real Bad for multiple reasons

elias tries to reassure healing and tries to tell him everything will be fine and he wont die and etc etc etc and stuff and from this point on forward healing and elias are much closer and continue to get closer until theyre basically in a relationship and its difficult tbh bc healing rlly wants to leave elias out of his fear but elias stays w him and its a long proccess and journey for healing to learn how to properly cope w all of the things hes felt and experienced and grow and heal and etc et ect

eventually fast forward in time, at the age of 57, healing is MARRIED to elias :’’) and they r in love and everything is okay and healing has and is continuing to learn how to accept what hes done and how to properly cope and deal w things and have less walls and barriers and be better and elias is one of his MOST important relationships to him, on par w morgan and noel, and its all good and happy and healing lives the rest of his life out w elias and dies happy and etc etc etc and its all just GREAT and also their shipname is heelies bc its funny lmao 

i left out a lotta details but fuckin. whatever lmao

anyways i love healing thnk u and good night