#im not doxxing myself i don’t live there anymore

[tirednotflirting]

5sos going to some random outback likely off the interstate in some random mid-sized us town has broken me this is so funny wtf

[2goldensnitches]

ngl since october i've been feeling very uneasy in fandom, like lots of other users in the ones im familiar in are propalestine which is fine until they start throwing dogwhistles around and reposting obvious misinformation about i/p and dehumanizing jews/israelis/zionists as if that does anything to help palestinians (meanwhile when politicians like biden actually try to help they're either ignored or accused of bizarre conspiracy theories that don't make sense with even basic knowledge about the conflict)

i was guilty of sliding down the rabbit hole myself bc i wasn't thinking critically, like oh, this blogger started reblogging some suspicious stuff like the "river to the sea" stuff but if i don't support it i'm Evil and Hate Palestinians so i reblogged it like the Good Tumblr User i wanted to be. i've had reservations about how weirdly people talk about israel, but they say its progressive and moral, and i fell for their words. in hindsight, i really should've known better than to take them at their word, and now i don't really reblog much about the conflict anymore bc holy shit people really showed themselves to be utterly vile about this conflict and i don't trust a lot of people here anymore

then people i thought were trustworthy started getting really mask off. one semi popular fandom account i followed reblogged jvp as a reliable source, but i later learned from browsing jumblr posts that jvp is actually really antisemitic and basically autism speaks for jews. and in addition they also reblogged stuff about how israelis are all Evil and don't deserve any sympathy for 10/7, which is just cruel. i couldn't associate w/ them in good faith any more. other fandom accounts i used to follow started reblogging some really stomach churning (but concerningly popular) posts such as one about how hamas treated the hostages "so well" and another about houthis supposedly attacking ships for palestine's sake. this and looking beyond my usual fandom circles really opened my eyes to just how toxic and ass backwards this was becoming, and how this kind of vitriol is spilling over into the real world and hurting jews while doing nothing to help palestinians or muslims affected by the concurrent rise in islamophobia. it's so nervewracking. now whenever i see fandom blogs post propalestine stuff w/ "river to the sea" in big letters i feel very wary that they might be hiding more dangerous prejudices under the surface. even those who do try to be more aware about the surge in antisemitism still can't help but put down israelis, dabble in conspiracy theories, and/or condescend to jews or occasionally their allies

honestly kudos to you for staying strong in these times. you're a lot braver than me and you and the rest of jumblr deserve better than this horror show

Thank you for the ask. I would just like to say that i don’t care if people support palestine and i don’t give a shit about the israeli government—i just want them to be normal about israelis and jews and not treat an actual war like team sports and fandomise this. Ideally people should want peace instead of thinking about innocent people in terms of a team they can root for while watching a match on the telly. Unfortunately, while the insanity didn’t start on social media, the current nature of the internet facilitated a really shit union between “activism” and fandom where more people are concerned about fictional antisemitic goblins than they are with real flesh and blood people doxxing jews and forming actual lynch mobs. They sloganeer for actual terrorist groups while ignoring the lives of palestinians and yemenis and lebanese and syrians and iranians directly impacted by them. All we can do is sit tight and hope more people come to their senses at least; if they don’t, then we shouldn’t waste time lamenting them.

[corvidcas]

actually i did altonnatural (my hometown) in middle school i wrote an episode about a ghost from the local decimated civil war prison killing people with ghost tuberculosis for a school project :) we’re literally supposed to be one of the most haunted small towns in america because so many people died from the conditions in that prison and then we used the bricks to build a ton of houses and their foundations. and instead of an alton episode they went with st. louis, 30 minutes across the river, pretended it looks like fuckin gotham city and fought a shapeshifter. lame.

[alicentsgf]

i feel like with the rise of skywalker coming out soon i just want to talk about this now, before the moment passes.

i dont know how many of my current followers were around for or are aware of that weird couple of years where rey skywalker believers and rey solo 'truthers' were pitted against each other for some strange reason? but, to recap: my rey solo theories got thousands of notes overnight. my main one got reposted on facebook half a million times. peter mayhew put it on his personal page. i made a thousand fucking dollars in commission in one month! at one point i had over twice as many followers as i had posts. i had more attention than i had ever bargained for.

but i Loved making the theories so damn much so i kept writing them. i just didn't know how to deal with the negative reaction; i played it really chill at the time - internalising that 'dont let them see you bleed' mentality.

i didnt want them to know they hurt me for a long time but i've changed my mind - now i do.

in the years between TFA and TLJ i had a seemingly small but semi-dedicated hate following who used to gather on various sites and talk shit about me like they knew me... basically just say hurtful bullshit. i guess they maybe thought i would never see it but didnt seem to care either way whether i did or not. after all, they never censored my url or anything. it encouraged hate - since they named me specifically so often their followers/friends would follow their lead and come be awful in my inbox. my own followers would link me to it, and i know they were just trying to warn me or something but honestly i didnt want to be warned, i wanted to be ignorant.

i was only 17 when TFA came out and grown adults were suddenly publically shit talking me and encouraging their followers to tell me i was delusional and stupid and to shut up.

it made me so paranoid. i was essentially a child and only 3 months out of a serious depressive episode when it all started so i wasn't really emotionally equipped to deal with it. especially not at the volume at which it came.

i got threatened. i honestly thought they might dox me. i eventually deleted all my selfies and any overtly specific personal stuff but it was so hard to be sure i got it all especially since once something gets reblogged on here its out of your hands forever. so i lived in and out of this kinda paranoid state. i was out as Bi on here and not to my family and suddenly there was this group who hated me and threatening me who knew something so intimate about me. And Then (irony) people came after me saying i was faking being the age i was bc i had nothing proving it ? that was fun. i knew i couldn't prove myself without exposing myself and that lead to the worst panic attack i had over the whole thing.

So, about my theory and where it is now, because i still get asks: It no longer exists publically and hasnt for almost 2 years. I didn't so much delete it as Let it get taken down by the news site hosting it. its still on my computer somewhere but honestly i didn't and don't want the conversation started up again properly because i know what it came with. i got asked so many times to update the theory for TLJ but the fact that TLJ allowed me and my theory to be forgotten was kinda a relief. i did a podcast called 'The Fordcast' around the time i was feeling really awful and i used to find it so embarrassing to play back because you can just Hear in my voice how broken i was discussing the topic by that point - this was in the months before TLJ came out. its awful but on some level i think at the time i was glad TLJ was shit? it gave me a good reason to take a big step back from the fandom.

the Only thing that ever made any of the hate worth it was the support i had from other fans and the discussions i had with them on this blog. i used to constantly tag how much i Loved this little community who sent me nice, interesting asks and like Shit i meant it - that was the main reason i kept on posting for a long time. so thank you. thank you so much if you were one of those people.

most of the indviduals who participated in and encouraged the hate against me are still pretty prominent on tumblr (f not in the star wars fandom anymore) and im not about to start shit. it was over two years ago. i never have and never will name names.

i know they probably dont and never have given me a second thought, but they, at least in part, ruined something i loved for me. i dont know if they'll ever see this but i wish they would because i want them to realise i wasnt some faceless unfeeling theory generator, no matter how prolific my theories were. i was an 17/18 yr old kid who was very aware of the nasty shit they were saying about me and it had a very real impact on my life.

[angelichl]

how am i in the wrong? saying that people who use the label Larry make you uncomfortable is just so odd to me as you wrote fics under that relationship but then you get to criticise others for using that term? like i just don’t think it’s that serious? and the fandom isn’t bullies?? idk, i think you getting pressed and righting essay responses is lowkey over the top when all I’m saying is that it’s shitty to be like Larry makes me uncomfortable and imply that the fandom is bullies/toxic

Anonymous said: like this community has been so positive, I’ve got to share my art through it and make friends with similar efforts and getting labelled as bullies/toxic/people that make others uncomfortable is shit. im sorry if I pissed you off but like your tone comes across as criticising a fandom and telling them they’re not as chill/respectful as you because them shipping Larry is “extreme”. can’t always get tone from writing tho so im sorry if i misinterpretated what you said

Anonymous said: also never threatened to dox you? and if that did happen, I’m sorry because that’s super fucked

ok first of all I’m glad your fandom experience has been positive!!! that’s really great

moving on- you’re twisting my words up / still not getting what I’m trying to say. I’ll try to word it differently. this all started bc I reblogged a post where someone screenshotted their inbox, which showed it was full of variations of people asking “are you still a larrie?” in different ways and I related to that bc that’s what my inbox looks like. I’ve always ignored those messages or replied to them vaguely (which makes some people mad) because of what I’ve been trying to explain: I personally don’t want to use the “larrie” label for myself. I’m not judging other people who claim that label, I’m not criticizing them, this has nothing to do with them, it’s all about me lol. the label comes with a set of beliefs that I personally do not follow, beyond thinking HL were probably/definitely in love at least at one point in time. I’m trying to be a more casual fan, enjoy their music and the content they create without getting wrapped up in their personal lives. thus I feel like the term larrie does not suit me, and that’s a personal decision, we’re just talking about me here, I’m not judging anyone else. what i am ‘judging’ or being critical of is the bullying that some people (not everyone! there are many kind people out there and I think you are one of those kind people!!) engage in, that I want no part of. thus I have, for the past year or so, distanced myself from that part of the fandom when I used to be very invested in it. I get that this can sound preachy or like I’m on my high horse or whatever but i promise that’s not my intention, I’m just trying to explain myself, the only people I’m being critical of are the people who are legitimately mean. in my experience this fandom is toxic (despite the many many lovely people!) but like, so is every fandom so idk. taking a step back.

also I get that it’s a bit murky in a fandom for real life people instead of fictional characters, but I personally prefer to draw a line between fan fic and real life stuff. what I’m trying to say is that when I write fan fic, I’m ‘shipping’ two people together like one would do to fictional characters, not writing about how I believe reality truly is. in my mind there are very separate parts of the fandom — writing fic vs. theorizing about the intricate personal details of harry and louis’ real lives. I used to do that but I don’t anymore, I am a more casual/chill fan, I’ve set boundaries for myself etc and the fun thing is everyone gets to decide where they set their boundaries. I’m not judging other people, just explaining that I’ve set my boundaries in a different place which is why I don’t reblog certain text posts which is why I then have people in my inbox (not you) demanding I declare I’m not a larrie anymore.

idk what I’m even saying anymore, but I think it would be nice if our side of the fandom was more critical of itself. I’m not saying you personally are bullying anyone. I’m saying that I’ve seen a lot of rude to straight up mean/cruel replies to otherwise harmless asks. I’ve seen a lot of name calling and pressuring/coercing everyone to believe the exact same thing (i.e. this all or nothing mentality where if you don’t believe HL did x y and z then you must be a solo stan). idk

and lastly, since the beginning of 2020 I’ve had 3 separate people threaten to dox me which like.. idk might not seem like a big deal but it made me super anxious and paranoid at first and now I’m just annoyed. I’m not even a big blog. I’m just here to listen to music, get excited for tour, and maybe write fic. I feel like doing none of that when I get bombarded with all these messages saying “just admit that you’re ___ and that you hate ___” and when people threaten to use personal information against me. so yeah maybe i am criticizing this fandom, but I’m doing it because I’ve witnessed and experienced some very concerning behaviors and im trying to fix it so that I don’t have to leave

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

[voidhater-blog]

concerning void/null/data/diavolo/outsider

so if you didn’t know, I’ve made something similar about void ONCE BEFORE, because in general, they’re was gross and a known abuser. they’s generally came back yet again and has accused me of shit yet again and i told them there would consequences to their actions if they didn’t make a public apology so here we go again on this road..... especially in claims that are up on this page ( archived ). more to be added and feel free to expand on this if needed

this post is about tumblr user leemte ( leemtea ) / voidleviathan / @saintpretense​ / floaras / shvbon / vcoalesce / nbgiornos / twobased /goethartig / goddessfavor / @oholiness and others.

here are several other posts about this person: here, here, here, and the blog

tw for pedophilia accusations, sexually explicit talk from a minor, and death threats & suicide encouragement. 

YES THIS IS ME!!!! What do you expect, literally you have suicide baited your way into making your friends say ( noah in question, bunny in question ) saying they wanted to shoot me. their reasoning after i confronted them about it ( you never apologized hmm ). BUT LETS NOT FORGET THAT YOU WANTED US DEAD AS WELL.

remember how you said i wanted you to kill yourself without any proof but you turned around and said this in the same chat that you conveniently cropped out of your cute little chat!!! sorry that we wanted to stop being friends with you so you called us pedophiles and ERASED OUR MENTAL ILLNESSES YET AGAIN!!!

BUT REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID WE WANTED YOU TO KILL YOURSELF? WHERES THE PROOF I EVER SAID I WANTED YOU TO KILL YOURSELF?

but yeah okay!!! so lets talk about this conversation [ Part One & Part 2 ] in question, when i found out that void was saying i fetishized my own abuse and erased my status as a CSA Survivor and A Incest Survivor ( Note they’ve removed this from the callout post after I told them i was gonna out them for the disgusting being they are but :) ) which i admitted to on a public twitter.

( proof this exists via my original reblog of the post calling them out on it before they edited it, which the admitted to removing in the logs )

anyway i apologized to them for my lack of ‘civility’ for this whole thing as you can see in the logs, but here are some caps just incase yall need more.

anyway i can’t believe i have to snatch their wig yet again but heres some more shit of them lying about being poor. so first things first. lets talk about where they live and about how they are a habitual liar. so first off, they sent themselves doxxing anons, so that they could garner symapthy from myself and my significant others and tried to blame it on me. im the only person who knows they were @ leemte & leemte. i don’t know their address but they sent me this.

HMMM YOU PLAYED YOUR SELF BITCH!!! Heres the cap they showed me upclose and personal. so the discussion of where they live, they’re many times have said to the people they rp with that they live in a predominantly brown and poor community. nijmegen is not a predominantly brown and poor community, according to someone that lives around the way ( a mere train ride away at that ), said that it was and i quote ‘ white and rich ’

hmmm??? void what is the truth void??? what is the truth!!! you can find some testimonials from the black working person in question here.

in other news, in regards to that page they have up. here is peaches who they stayed with for 1 month, who is significant others with PERSON A ( who will now be refered to as person a, as they have said they didn’t want to be involved with void anymore or felt comfortable with void anymore, it’s taken them 6 months to speak out about void’s abuse and now void is PURPOSELY drawing them into this even though they know THIS ) Sibling’s ( Named Gem ) Girlfriend who they stayed with for a while ( they are Aegis of Man and Gem is sparrowhearted )

( links one / two / three for readability )

not only do i have recorded testimony of void throwing hissy fits (which i can give out if needed) but also the fact that void purposely did not shower or put on deodorant during their stay. so this SMELLY BALD PIMPLE FACED LITTLE RAT sexually pressed person a and disparaged them for coming out as masculine and would not use masculine pronouns for them. heres you yet again being shitty to trans boys you transphobic piece of trash

and lets not forget you being openly sexual at 16 with people who didn’t want to, there are multiple receipts buddy of shit like this where people would try to get you off their back about your disgusting rape fantasies but helen, wait theres more: here is you yet again admitting that youre a fucking liar

BIG TALK HERE: VOID IS A FUCKING LIAR.

remember these:

cause:

void accuses noah of giving no reciepts but yet they dont give any that are of realness, i didn’t even have void on skype anymore but their name still pops up as the display name as it does last time i talked to them. case in point:

im not friends with sage but their skype name still comes up this way ( IN GROUP CHATS )  and on mobile you’d be able to see the skype or live usename and ims one on one ( on the COMPUTER ) will still have an icon / show their profile picture even if yall aint friends no more, but void the reciepts you have have no username and no icon. STOP SAYING THAT PEOPLE CAN’T SHOW CREDIABLE PROOF IF YOU CAN’T! you literally cannot sit there and say that noah won’t give proof when you don’t give proof for all your claims. if you shell out some credible proof then i’ll apologize but other than that, we all know YOU’RE GROSS and there’s NO PROBABLE cause to believe you cause you’ve lied in the past. PLEASE DO NOT DICTACT R*PE SURVIVORS BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR FEFES HURT YOU SMELLY ASSHOLE.

they emotionally manipulated their friends into saying shit about us because they ACCUSED us of being pedophiles & pedophile apologists. me & dallas & hades, have called them out before hand!!! literally cause we outted them for being a gross rat, they accused us of being pedophiles & apologists & fetishizers but here we are again, more of  void having the same rhetoric, being scared of being called out and pulling the SAME STUNTS: thinking that we’re not going to retaliate against them. 

but nah it’s not happening against that. either way: their mom aint no acholoic, they stole that from the kids they hang around. they treat their mom like crap, they masturbate on calls and fake moan on calls cause they’re gross little shits. this shit has been recorded but unless yall want me to upload this shit, i’m not listening to it again. they’re a gross habitual liar, a fucking thief and a faker.

they pretended to be jewish, poc, poor, and otherwise just so they could have a minority card. ( x ) ( x ) ( x ).

these are all reciepts from people that they wanted to live with, who have sent them money have have purchased places with the intention of getting void into their country to live with them because void convinced them they were POOR & ABUSED. they talk about all this shit but literally as i’ve said in the first callout post, they intiate this shit -- they cry abuse when you don’t date them and they harass when you admit that you’re asexual and too old for them. proof via creepy ass tweets ( x ) ( x ) ( x )

either way, lets not forget their cute little paypal statement, which was said by that time they were still in america. they didn’t show their balance, but they showed they got 100 MORE dollars out of no where ( not from commissions mind you ) and they did nothing ( while in america ) but spend 30 dollars at a time on kinguin limited ( WHICH IS FOR STEAM KEYS AND SHIT, LMFAO  WHAT AN IDIOT. ). yall they are trying to play us!!!!

aaah this is funny because the formal charges are about you sexually pressuring someone that kept telling you NO NO NO. And getting 100S OF FUCKING DOLLARS ON CLAIMS OF BEING POOR.

but okay all of this shit is basically void calling themselves out again, like i aint even got time for it. this is my piece about me. theres more shit about you but its not my place to get into it, and you better be glade PERSON A doesn’t want to be bothered with you anymore or like i said, you’d BE FINISHED. ending point: bitch 6 months ago i left you with shreds of your nasty fucking blonde wig, and your naked mole rat looking ass COME BACK with this shit, but here i am again DESTROYING YOU. if you ever try this shit again believe me i just wont be dissecting your pitiful little post but i WILL be dropping that heavy shit nontheless.

anyway if you can take the time please report the page leemtea for slander / abuse / invasion of privacy.

[harliquinne]

Personal long post, suffering from BPD/Mood disorder/Anxiety/Depression/ADHD

What ever good vibe, positive assurance, high power or fuck if God exists and is paying attention to my life out of the many- Please grant me power, strength, and will. I can't live much longer with this heavy dripping tar in my chest. I can't live much longer wasting away in my bed. I can't handle this overdone feeling of guilt, sadness, and most of all the anxiety, much longer. I am struggling. I am low. I don't feel like living even though for so long I told myself I could never end my life just for the fact that it's a miracle I can even be here. But I cannot handle this god damn feeling, I cannot handle this fucking tar. I can't fucking deal with the pollution that has spread throughout my torso and head. On top of that, I'm a loser. I've always found the easy way out and made excuses and didn't care. School was a joke- I skipped, I dropped out then came back and made up my credits & graduated with a HS diploma at a school for those who have had bad experiences that held them back. I started smoking cigarettes & weed when I was 14. I'm 24 now. I smoke over half a pack a day. I chain smoke because it's therapeutic just to be able to take a deep breath in and out. Same with weed- all day every day. Never thought it was problem til recently when I ran out and don't have a cent to my name so I can't buy any(and would it I could instead of buying food when I'm starving). I scraped and scraped every piece for resin. I looked at the carpet for fallen scraps. I got all the kief I could manage out of grinders. I crushed the ASHES and smoked it, just in case I missed anything. Do you see the problem here? That's fucking nuts. I am so desperate. I scrounged 6 dollars in quarters just to buy a pack of cigarettes. Then I did it again when I ran out. I write in my journal til 5 am every night. I furiously write. I write pages and pages of self-destructive thoughts, self-hate, repeated lines, word games, things I do that people notice, things I do that I notice, the horrible horrible thoughts I have that Tumblr of all places would dox me and rip me to shreds. And the sad thing is, my enemy...this tar monster inside- it's me. It's just me. I'm going through so much(so much that I can take, there are stronger people who have it worse...I know). There are many times I just don't think I'm going to make it. I'm getting help but I just don't listen and I don't know why. I'm not trying to be this way. Borderline Personality Disorder. I was told that I am believed to be 'better' and 'fixed' in four months through intensive therapy. In truth, if I'd just exercise- apparently, I'd be okay. That may be true...but the problem is that I'm so fucking off the charts with all these overwhelming emotions that I can't fucking move to even brush my teeth or eat or shower. I left my boyfriend. Then he came after me. Then I came back to him. Then he said he needed time after he begged me back. Now this fuck doesn't know if he wants to be with me or if it's best. Now, to any other fine ass lady who don't take no shit(the real me under the globs of tar)- would say FUCK YOU I ALREADY LEFT YOU THE FUCK YOU BEG ME BACK FOR YOU FUCK! But I have this problem of a devastating psycho intense fear of being abandoned. So even though I left just a day before he pulled this shit, I'm back to pitifully wailing like I lost a child- begging him not to leave. The tables turned just like that. Even though I just left with a straight face and took all my shit, even the sheets off the bed. I took every last thing but a stray shoe on the floor and a note. I didn't cry. I didn't care. I was fed up. I was done and over it. I moved in somewhere else cuz I have a great best friend- I had no regret. And just like that, I'm back to being the little baby, fucked up and begging just like he just was. I cannot stand myself because my mental illness traps me. Anyone who doesn't have a mental illness pulls that shit- 'just calm down, just block him, forget him, relax, move on, you're better than that, you'll be alright., just DO it, you have to grow up, you just need this, you just need to meditate'. You either just have no fucking clue what it feels like or you are The Batman because that is some serious mental strength if you can just calm the fuck down when It feels like 10 trains of thought running full speed, dangerously close to one another (which is why from 8pm-5am, I'm writing like I'm about to get caught and killed). Or get up and go for a run and really get into it and sweat and work...this tar just...has me and I'm so stuck. I am immobilized. I am trapped in my mind. This isn't about me getting in a break up, promise. It's so much more than that. I cause my family grief. I always have and they love me so so so much, and I just constantly cause them pain. I'm so low and in mental anguish all of the time that they feel that they failed raising me and it's not their fault. I feel so much guilt for the craziness I have put my loved ones through because it never seems that I learn from mistakes. They try and they try, they spend so much money for me to make it and be successful, but I truly convince myself that I am a very lost cause. It's been over a decade. I have not progressed. I didn't go to college which typically isn't a big deal, but for those like me...I struggle at just keeping a part-time job. I cannot hide my expression and I don't lie but rarely...so everyone can feel the heaviness of my misery, which is obviously uncomfortable. Positive posts of- you're going to make it! You're loved! You're special! You are okay the way you are! - I hate them. It's such a nice thing to say, and it's not just meant for me so how dare I? But I never buy it and continue to rot in self-hate. The reason I post this, is because I hope people see this and learn something on mental illnesses and what it means to call someone crazy when they are suffering...they might not even be going through anything or ever had, this shit just happens to some of us. I'm just so angry. There is so much that I technically as a human being who has the ability to move, can do...it's not that I refuse to do it, I don't think it's laziness but it very well could be(?), I just don't have any will left in me. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not the things that used to and not new things. I just feel alone and like I don't belong anywhere...and I don't know what I should do. I'm very lost. I'm sorry there is no cut on this post. I'm on mobile and have no idea how to add it on the app. I just needed to write this. I need people to see it. I need people, anyone to be aware. My boyfriend and I could never talk about anxiety or depression because he said it was something people put on themselves and he has 'anxiety' all the time- which people like him, often mistake as the 'anxiety' you get while talking in front of class or getting grades back or going on a date for the first time- heads up for those who think like him...open your eyes and see that the little tingle in your heart and your clammy hands are not the same thing as crippling anxiety, I'm sorry- please help us, not down play us who suffer. I've been ranting for awhile at this point and I think I'm gonna stop now. Im just really struggling and can't stop writing. Im really low. Please anyone who sees this- mental illness is a real issue and needs to be focused on. It needs to be heavily addressed. There are so many people like me...some worse, some more stable...some people who truly can't take it and end their lives...some people who can't contain the monster inside and take it out on others, may that be verbal/physical abuse, school shootings, massacres, animal abuse... It's painful. It's deeply painful. Imagine losing someone you love...now imagine feeling a similar grief every day and you don't really know why...or if you're like me, imagine if you felt as if sludge/tar/muck/pollution dripped down your insides every day... I'm a very beautiful girl(I believe so), I can be talented, I can be fierce, I can be a queen, I can achieve anything I want, I can work out, I can party, I can socialize, I can love, I can be a shining star and most of all- I can be happy and I can make it through. However...I am being held down by this monster of goopy tar...I am deep inside myself, trapped. Watching myself chase all I love away from me...alone with this suffering. Bruh, if this ain't the longest, emo ass post I ever did see and it's written by me. I hope nobody gets mad because it's a long post but I needed to put this out there. I'm going down. So far down. Forgive me.