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menlove · 2 months

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[image id: an ask from @harbingerofskulls that reads: "im gonna b real i only knew the jerking off i would love to hear you elaborate more if you want to go on the whole situation" /end id]

answering here so i can save as a draft without risking the ask disappearing bc tumblr's been doing that lately but

oh god </3 for everyone else- it's talking about this post. sooo i'm gonna go through each one bc i've been feeling insane for several weeks. i'll do my best to cite my sources lmao

i don't know (johnny johnny)

this is referring to this unreleased VERY early beatles track from 1960. the audio quality is absolute shit & as such unfortunately people love to put words to it that don't make much sense in either direction (i.e a lot of mclennon fans want to hear "you're in love with me" and a lot of people that hate mclennon will just make up the weirdest lyrics that make 0 sense so it's Not Gay). some of the lyrics that ARE clear make it obvious this song is about the two of them running away together- at one point i'm fairly certain paul says "how am i gonna tell my father that we're leaving town?" probably referring to them leaving to hamburg. which would be fine but some of the other lyrics areeeee..... very..... Hm. like multiple times paul refers to john as "my boy" and there's bits of them talking about not knowing what to tell their friends & wanting to just run off together alone. if i were the other members of the band having to record this i would have killed them with hammers <3 also the entire end is just paul going "oh johnny" like 1 million times. okay. sure. also since the lyrics ARE so garbled i mean i guess people could be right about it saying "how am i gonna tell my father you're in love with me" but i just don't hear it. still, a very gay song about running off together and getting away from everything and everyone, complete with moaning the other's name </3

2. paris

this one is a huge part of McLennon Fandom Lore lmao but for good reason. not citing sources on all this bc it's one of those that's just Fact & can be found in like any beatles biography or thebeatlesbible.com (my savior) but. for john's 21st birthday, he got 100 pounds from a rich relative. instead of taking his girlfriend or any of his other friends, he decided to use the money to take paul to spain. but they stopped in paris on the way and just decided to stay there. which i mean like. taking your best friend over your girlfriend to the city of love is a little weird but it's not THAT weird. it's everything else that makes people want to chew glass about it. including some of the other things on this list. like this audio of john just goofing around singing about paris and paul, with such hits as "my cheri, my pau pau my pau paul." which is :| okay best friend. and paul has this picture hung up in his house that he took of john sleeping in paris. okay. sure. why not. (although ig there's some doubt about if the photo is from paris? either way it's a picture paul took and has framed in his house which is incriminating enough my man). also NOT in the original post but may pang, a woman john had a brief affair with in the 70s, wrote a book called loving john. in it, there's this quote:

After a late lunch, Linda launched into a long paean to the joys of living in England. When she was finished, she turned to John and said, “Don’t you miss England?”

“Frankly,” John replied, “I miss Paris.”

okay! also in an interview once he said:

The thing was all the kissing and the holding that was going on in Paris. And it was so romantic, just to be there and see them, even though I was twenty-one and sort of not romantic. But I really loved it, the way the people would just stand under a tree kissing; and they weren’t mauling at each other, they were just kissing.

(interview with david scheff for playboy in september 1980)

3. if i fell

this one i already made an insane post on that started my spiral into posting about the beatles publicly </3 but, essentially, the song "if i fell" by john is..... well it's most likely about paul. he said it wasn't about his wife but that it was auto-biographical and he never really had any public affairs that weren't flings, certainly not a lover. but most damning is he wrote the complete lyrics for the first time on a valentine's day card addressed "to paul with love" with some hearts and arrows pointing to where the lyrics were written. absolutely insane. made me insane.

4. oh! darling

rawest paul song of all time if i do say so myself lmao. but it's just.... Highly Suspicious, that's what it is. a Lot of beatles fans/historians will admit this song is most likely about john but they won't admit that it's fucking romantic if it is. like.

like that is so blatantly romantic idk what to say other than that. also, in the official recording on abbey road, there's Several points where paul says "darling" that sound more like he's saying "johnny" which is what he called him. people brush it off by saying it's his accent, but there's a very clear difference between when he's saying "darling" and when he's saying "johnny". i mean the Lore behind this is that it was written right when things were splitting up between them (& the rest of the band) so it makes sense and it's why most people are willing to accept it's about john. it's just insane to me that they'll accept it's about john without considering the implications of that.

5. the real life demo

this one made me want to light myself on fire i won't lie to you. but here it is! john had a song called "real love" and this is a very early demo of it. but instead of the lyrics that came to actually be in the song (which are thought to be about yoko but let's not get into the fact that it was on a tape labeled "for paul" but whatever), it includes john fucking crying as he sings saying:

"was i just dreaming or was it only yesterday? i used to hold you in my arms. and now a baby and another on the way... la la la la farm..."

which can quite literally be about no one else but paul, as this demo was recorded when he'd just had two children with his wife linda and linda was pregnant with their third child. they'd moved to a farm in scotland. hearing this audio clip did genuinely make me want to lie down in the dirt for a week. also "i used to hold you in my arms" just... yeah. god. when people think it was unrequited idk what to say, really.

6. If Paul Were A Woman-

shoving these two together but. in april of 85, paul said in an interview about john and yoko's relationship:

"I mean, I couldn’t stand in the way of someone who’d fallen in love. You can’t say, 'Who’s this?' You can’t really do that. If I was a girl, maybe I could go out and…"

okay bestie <3 and what would make your relationship different if you were a woman? interesting! and yoko had something similar to say. in this audio, she says:

"I’m sure that if he had been a woman or something, he would have been a great threat – because there’s something definitely very strong between John and Paul."

just reminds me of being a kid and telling my best friends "if i were a boy i'd date you" lol. incredible. does anyone here know about bisexuality.

7. stuart!

not much to say here except that john had a best friend, stu sutcliffe, who died young & before that had been the bassist in the band. paul fucking hated him sooo much oh he SEETHED. a lot has been written on that relationship but it was.... very interesting to say the least. it could have just been about the band, or just jealousy over john's friendship, but take that with a lot of john biographers suspecting john had feelings/even a sexual relationship with stuart and it paints a very Interesting picture to say the least

8. john's bisexuality

here's a compilation of quotes about it, but john was more than likely bisexual. which has nothing to do w paul, really, but more to do against people that like to claim they were both Heterosexual Men. although an interesting quote in this compilation is him saying he's "had paul" lmfao

9. paul's post-beatles work

there's just.... there is so so so much here i don't even know where to begin. @ringompreg has a good compilation of paul songs here. a lot of them do take a bit of Lore but like..... it comes down to the fact that both him and john have/had admitted many times to using their lyrics during The Breakup Years to talk to/reference each other and sooooo many of these lyrics are insanely blatant. the two i mentioned were tug of war and let me roll it, both of which are acknowledged to be about john by most people WITH NO ONE BOTHERING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT which..... tug of war has this:

we could stand on top of the mountain with our flag unfurled? dancing to a beat played on a different drum? this is what gaylors think gaylor conspiracy is but paul mccartney is really out here saying this shit.

and let me roll it is so fucking blatantly romantic but every reviewer is like haha! what a cool song that's "making fun" of john and clearly in his style! like are straight people stupid genuinely. anyway:

bonus to that but about JOHN'S solo work :)))))) he wrote a song called "watching the wheels" and when you consider he very much responded to MANY of paul's solo stuff it's :)

which as a response to let me roll it would just be... so devestating but it may be a stretch idk if i'm onto anything there it's just worth Mentioning

and there's a lot of others, a lot of them in that post up there. like far too many where paul mentions falling in love with a friend like Alright.

10. paul's first lsd trip with john/"i know" "i know"

this one is less blatantly romantic but it is just insane. here's an article. and a quote from george martin about it. the first time paul tripped on acid w john was bc john accidentally took some and he took him home & then took acid w him bc he didn't want john to be alone on the trip :( but, notably:

"And we looked into each other’s eyes, the eye contact thing we used to do, which is fairly mind-boggling. You dissolve into each other. But that’s what we did, round about that time, that’s what we did a lot," the singer recalled, "And it was amazing. You’re looking into each other’s eyes and you would want to look away, but you wouldn’t, and you could see yourself in the other person. It was a very freaky experience and I was totally blown away."

he also apparently saw john as the, and i quote, "emperor of eternity" during this trip??????? okay

SOMEWHERE i can't find it rn and i'm getting lazy but somewhere they (i think paul?) talk about the fact that they used to just stare into each other's eyes and then say "i know" "i know" which. considering john's song "i know (i know)" makes me crazy

11. in my life/i will

these are really just some devastating songs with lyrics that make you really raise your eyebrows. for in my life, written by john, it's just an incredibly romantic & sweet song that is again, not about his wife. given that the lennon estate is still out here posting pictures of paul to those lyrics i have to say it's a liiiiittle suspicious. and i will is...... it's one that paul insists is not about his girlfriend at the time, jane asher. and when you look at the lyrics vs how him and john met.... like. the song goes:

and the story of how they met was that paul saw john repeatedly before they ever met, when he didn't know who john was other than that he thought he looked cool & admired his sideburns (lmfao). and when they did finally meet, it was when john was singing at a garden fete (party) and paul was in the crowd just Mesmerized. so. well. you can see.... you can see how fitting that is. makes me crazy makes me want to chew glass actually

12. "we were each other's intimates" and other insane quotes

"we were each other's intimates" is a paul quote about john which is just insane but that's not even the tip of the iceberg. here's a ton of quote compilations.

13. "literally everything else"/honorable mentions

some honorable mentions go out to: john going on stage w elton john & playing i saw her standing there and introducing it as "a song by an estranged fiance of mine" okay! the "just like starting over" demos. okay! which isn't even to MENTION the fact that paul locked himself away in the studio listening to "just like starting over" on repeat for DAYS after john died like???? john saying repeatedly that he considered paul & yoko to be his two major partners in life including in an interview the literal day he died. a whole ass rpf movie where they kiss & talk like they're ex-lovers and dance in central park (two of us) made by the same dude that made the let it be movie like. he knew them personally? he worked with them closely? and the only thing paul had to say about it was just essentially that it was what he wished would've happened like???????? i can't find a super reliable source for this so take it w a grain of salt, but apparently paul referred to mclennon fanfiction as "beautiful stories" and doesn't mind them being written. paul also had a cat that had kittens & he named two of the kittens pyramus and thisbe after fictional lovers he and john played and he gave pyramus (the character paul played) to john :|

and literally so much else like all of this and it's not even all of it. it's not even close to all of it. i didn't even get to talk about the way in "get back" the documentary, paul started talking about john leaving the band for yoko and how john would choose her over them and then he got teary eyed, started choke laughing, and then started singing "build me up buttercup" before looking at the cameras and stopping. what the FUCK was that about! IT'S NOT EVEN GETTING INTO THE SONG "TWO OF US" THAT'S SO OBVIOUSLY ABOUT JOHN THAT IT HURTS. it's. it's not even scratching the surface. they were just genuinely insane about each other.

#mclennon #this is long but it had to be to expand on every reference i made in that post FJADJFASDF

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damagedcoda6669 · 22 days

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just wanted to let you know real quick that the person sending people your deadname + stuff about that one stealthygeek person has spread to tumblr, i literally just got an anonymous ask in my inbox with it. all i did was sigh in deep deep exasperation and delete it. why can't people leave you alone

i rlly appreciate ppl letting me know abt this!!! but in all honesty theres nothing i can do, and i already know. when i said not 2 send me birdie drama related asks, it includes thingz like this, becuz this is an attempt at a continuation of birdie drama by the ppl perpetrating this. i wouldnt like 2 be alerted abt this becuz its genuinely out of my control and i honestly dont intend 2 spread awareness abt this going forward. these ppl thrive off of attention and it wont do any good. block n ignore. this is the last time im talking abt it publicly. in the kindest way possible, these kind of reminders only serve 2 make me paranoid and anxious and dysphoric. ive gotten another ask sending me a sc of one of these asks with my deadname uncensored that i saw a few mins ago, and ik it will have a severe effect on my mental state. PLEASE PLEASE be mindful of my mental state with the thingz that u say 2 me, becuz i will see all of it. plz only tell me abt these things if ur 100% sure i can do smth 2 stop it, ive been scared 2 check my notifs all day becuz of the possibility of smth dumb like this happening while i was away (which isnt ur fault) i know u have good intentions but plz be aware of my mental state and how these things effect me. im in a bad mental state already and i have no therapist/psychiatrist/doctor 2 go 2 if i go off the deep end, and im currently unmedicated and not in the mental health system due 2 circumstances out of my control /nm /gen

theres nothing i can do abt my deadname being spread around, i was doxxed when i was 12 and im still being lolcowed on kiwifarms 2 this day. its public information and theres nothing i can do. the only course of action is 2 ignore. nothing theyre doing is illegal (4 the most part lol) so theres no action 2 take except 4 withdrawing attention /gen

edit: i rlly hope i didnt come across as aggressive in this post at all, i genuinely mean no harm towards the ppl telling me abt this and im not mad at u guys!!! im very thankful 4 the concern, but theres genuinely nothing i can do in this situation and the only outcome of this is a broken mental state 4 me. i feel icky being negative again but i just want my boundaries 2 be known!!! so srry :(

#jack.txt #birdie #damagedcoda6669 #vent #rant #vent post #tw vent

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punchratt · 3 months

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Im thinking about posting about The Arcana, I’ve been a big fan ever since it came out and the genuine passion I feel for these characters is honestly intense. When I say I’ve written so much about this game just for myself alone I mean I have gigabytes worth of content (or rather, had, most of it’s been lost unfortunately :\). 99% of its Nadia related not even gonna lie lol-

Idk though, I’m still kinda apprehensive because I like having this one little thing to myself. I mean, I definitely don’t feel pressured to write about the other stuff I put on this blog. I do all this for me, everything I post is for me and me alone. I just genuinely love enthusing about all these games I hold so dear, i love sharing my thoughts about them with other people, I love analyzing these characters publicly and getting the chance to start a dialogue. I don’t know why it’s so different for me when it comes to this game in particular.

I’m kinda coming around to the idea of sharing what I feel though. Giving it the good ol’ Red Dead, Balders Gate, Portal treatment and writing some lengthy posts about it. I’m certainly not short on ideas lol-

I think I just needed to word vomit a little bit, I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I’m not committing to anything really, just testing the waters. Seeing if anyone would be interested. Anyways, thanks for reading if you did, I do love myself a good ramble before dinner :)

#rattrambles #the arcana #the arcana game

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good-beanswrites · 5 months

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sorryf im being mentally ill about hallucination event right now SO in the LCSyS au, would there be something like it :o? Like after all of it's over or something, how crazy would it be if Jackalope tried to get them all together just to do one last concert?

Never apologize for being mentally ill about Milgram content 😌👍 We are all in it together 😔👍I'm combining this answer with a reply to @kikithedeceiver (and spiraling out of control from both)

I've had a lot of ideas about the project being public in LCSyS, but was holding off including it for few reasons – the audience’s voices would conflict with Es as their own character. Knowing the public was watching would change the way the prisoners acted (even if they thought they were acting natural). It’s a long time that the families would have to deal with the public knowing about their loved one’s almost-crime. I also like the idea of this au ending with the prisoners returning to very normal lives.

Buuuuut it is such a fun idea, and popularity seems an essential part of an actors au. So, I’m not naming this as canon, but here’s a pitch if you liked that idea and wanted to run with it :3

The team doesn’t tell the participants that they’ve been recording/collecting certain material to release. If a translation is left out by accident, the prisoners just assume it’s for a foreign team member – they have no idea how close/far Milgram reaches.

The third trial begins. The prisoners are inside the prison, and on the final stretch of the trials. On the outside, Jackalope contacts families for signatures to release the material publicly. The team thought about censoring names and things, but seeing current fans’ investigation skills, they knew it was a matter of time before they put pieces together anyway. This may be super illegal but for the sake of the story I’ll say that family consent is enough lmao.

Some of them are easy to convince to sign off on everything, since it can raise awareness for their loved one’s struggles. Muu’s family takes the longest, as it would risk ruining their reputation. (They’re only swayed because it truly is a great opportunity to show off Muu’s talents for those modeling scouts, and she didn’t actually kill anyone in the end.) Kazui’s family refuses to release his info, but Hinako uses sway with her marital status to sign off instead (I pictured things happening fast enough where she hasn’t gotten an official divorce yet). Hinako still struggles with what he did, but she thinks he’s doing something incredibly brave now. I’m not 100% sure what’s going through Amane’s father’s mind, but if the murder really was in line with the cult’s beliefs, maybe he believes that Amane will be be a shining representation of their religion. He wants to show her off as their little golden child.

The experiment is published in its current form: music videos, voice dramas, timeline conversations, interrogation questions, etc. It’s brought to more than just science/psychology circles, though. Jackalope has no shame in marketing it as entertainment, hence the stockholders mentioned. He assures the sociologists that this will be a major breakthrough for them. He tells music labels he's got the new hit thing for them. He leans into the excitement of releases and merchandise in the hopes of gaining attention for the experiment. Needless to say, it works. Even though the audience has no sway over Es’ decisions, they are encouraged to make decisions for themselves on what they would judge each prisoner. There’s the same types of theory/analysis/discourse posts passed around.

When the trials end, the prisoners are released into the world to find they’re famous. Instead of trudging back to their lives feeling that society hates them, they find tons of adoring fans telling them how much they understand and forgive them. Even if their final verdict was guilty, they have hundreds of voices assuring them that they are loved. That they are not alone. This attention really helps Haruka, Amane, (and maybe Es) who don’t have a good home to go back to. Not only can they reenter society, they are welcomed with open arms. They are looked after and showered in love. Some of the adults realize they want to use this popularity to lead the charge of social change. They create/support projects meant to help people who are facing their struggles.

And of course, there’s the other type of fame as well. Yuno loves answering fanmail and turning her karaoke hobby into a music career. Kazui goes from a life of feeling rejected and disgusting to scrolling through comments upon comments of men oogling him. Mahiru gets offers from fashion magazines and blogs to write up sections about self-love. Amane gets to live out her dream of being a performer, hinted at in her first two mvs. Fuuta is flustered by all the positive attention his appearance/voice is getting. Mikoto… well, I just wish him luck when he opens tiktok…

Which brings us to the live event! The prisoners have tried to keep in touch while adjusting to their new lives as almost-murderers-turned-idols. They’re amazed at how well-recieved the trial songs were. Those were some of their most personal, shameful secrets, and people relate to them? People love singing them?? People want a concert featuring them??? Jackalope encourages them to get together for one last encore. Some are thrilled with the opportunity, others are still nervous about the whole thing. Some think it’s in poor taste, that Jackalope is milking them for entertainment. But with a bit of conversing amongst themselves, they realize they all want a chance to sing like that again, and see each other in one place again. (It’s ironic because in my head Mahiru is the one to convince everyone to come ;--;)

It’s strange putting on the uniforms again. Es is unsure about putting on their guard’s cloak. But the minute they stop onstage, they’re met with wild applause. They can sing their fears and dreams to a huge crowd and see in real time how it’s reaching others. They hear the cheers after each song. They hear that it’s streamed all over the world. All of them have an absolute blast, and pour their heart and soul into their performances.

#milgram #lights camera sing your sins #thank you both for the comments!#its not the direction i want for the fic but its SUCH a fun direction 😭#as you can see from the annoyingly long post ive already had a lot of ideas for it asdfsdf #so many of the prisoners struggle with lack of love/attention -- so introducing them to the current fans who with shower them in adoration #always makes me happy to think about #those who feel undesirable see their faces on merch and people who try to mimic them #those who feel unlovable hear their name chanted when they enter the room #and mug i know that technically they could have a concert without everything being public but i tried to keep it accurate to the real event #and yes -- fuuta does put on an eyepatch on a whim halfway through 😂

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pineappleparfaitie · 15 days

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Regarding recent events

Alright im in a better mental state so i want to clear some things up

1. My "callout" posts ir whatever the fuck had sfw vore community tags on it I never should have put on there . Im genuinely sorry to everyone ive hurt with that decision for causing anything triggering or anything along those lines. I was 100% in the wrong and i may have even caused some people to do bad stuff to themselves. I am sorry.I am so sorry.

2.I am in contact with someone trying to clear this up, i saw this person make a post trying to prove i sentthrm BOMB threats. I want a vide recording of this proof sent to me as this is a) a lie on the part of their friend b) i have hd to provide video evidence so i believe it's only fair. If this person is reading this I want your friend to record them doing that as i feel its the best way for us to see the truth.

3.I am most likely leaving the community due to this. Never in my 16 and a half years that I have walked this planet have i been called a neo-n@zi, have i been called a straight up nazi, have i bee called scum and have i had someone so publicly wish harm upon me. I have been threw hell in the last 12+ hours ,i havent slept, my heart aches and I am unable to breath normally.My menstrual cycle wil probably be late due to stress alone even though i should have gotten it a few days ago.

I have RUINED,TAINTED and DESTROYEE discourse around this topic in the community and im so sorry.Im sorry people will wat to speak up on this and fewr theyll be a moron like me.Im sorry people will look at me and never want to bring this issue up because they dont want to end up like me-pathetic and unable to talk without bring so confusing people cant even understand what Im saying.So bad at emphasazing a point I have peple thinking im a nazi or even nazj SYMPATHISER God forbid.

Im sorry to anyone and everyone ive hurt , to anyone and everyone who saw my posts and felt hurt because they had every right to be.

Im so sorry.Im sorry.

This mext bit is directed at this individual.

Read if you wish but if I see or hear people sending threats to this person,sending insults,sending death threats or anything under thr Sun along those lines you are DIRT to me.

. Im sorry. I have tried apologising where I went wrong. I apologised to you when we cut ties and I reiterated stuff wasnt your fault. You have called me names,misgendered me ,claimed it wasnt a gendered term and later said you thought jt said she/her in my bio when it wasone of the first things on my blog.But i can forgive that. It makes me salty but its a simple mistake .

However

Im sorry. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am sorry you think id even IMAGINE makin bomb threats to you, had you told me to the extent these people were going I would have tried tracking them down myself. I thought all they did was call you a Zio which I dont even believe you to be. Im sorry if you ever felt belittled ,hurt ect and weather or not anything comes to light You have the right to FEEL hurt. To FEEL that i wronged you in every way. No one should insult your feelings over this tyoe of stuff. But all I ask is a GRAIN, not even an ounce, a GRAIN of sympathy after being told to get hit by a train ,then publicly being called a nazi with no proof. The things you listed by definition wouldnt make me a nzi. You have misinterpreted and misunderstood my words and I am SORRY I couldnt be more understanble and word myself better.it was MY FAULT. not you It was ME But I have never insulted you ,called you what you have called me, called you a bitch ,said you were yapping whe you wanted to disprove anything, gave you desth threats. I am angry amd I am devestated but I will never even call you a zionist. The only issue I ever had after we cut dtuff off was you calling me a neo nazi publicly via vauge post. You could have hated my GUTS and it wouldn't have bothered me cause you have the right to feel hurt

Please. Send me video evidence. Because you andyour friend are making me out to be a antisemitic nazi monster who sends bomb and starvation threats to random 16 year old online. Im the same age as you. I am leaving a community i adored because of this if not 100% then considering I hope you can be happy when or if im gone.Maybe it would bring you closure cause you said everyone agrees im wrong. I may have misread your words here - but I believe you said it would be better if i left. The post isfone now tough.

Im not claiming you did i may have misremembered. But if so I hope you can finnaly get closure and be happy when im gone.

I hope you can finnaly be happy .All i ask is ehen I leave to not do this to anyone else. You have destroyedme from the inside out.

Im sorry I wasnt better , im sorry i made you feel like shit, im sorry me not thinking may have or HAS caused you mental or even physical pain.

Im sorry. Im not asking for forgiveness, because no one decides that but you. Amd you habe every right to not even think about it

I want you to know Im sorry

-Pine

#pine txt #the s situation

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khalixvitae · 7 months

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I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEBODY CONVEY IDIA'S CHARACTER AS WELL AS YOU DID OMG I JUST READ WHEN YOU SAID IDIA ISNT AN INCEL so many people misinterpret his character as just being shy but that just sets him up as a stereotypical introvert. It's not that he's SHY it's that he physically doesn't know hoe to deal with people and instead of trying to learn he just assumes there is no point so he perpetuates his own loneliness. IM SO GLAD IVE FOUND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HIM LIKE I DO AAAAAHHHH

Aghhhhh hello anon! Im glad you enjoyed my silly little post, that’s so sweet of you! Yea I feel like there’s so much going on with Idia (frankly with both of the Shroud brothers and their whole deal) that gets kinda bogged down by tropey perceptions. Like yes Idia is introverted and mostly opposed to interacting with people, but there are a lot of layers there. He’s agoraphobic, under-socialized, and painfully anxious. he’s scarily smart and prefers to scheme behind the scenes until he’s positive whatever he’s cooking up is fool proof (which I don’t think is an inherently bad trait) because things are easier and require less effort when there’s a script. freeballing social interactions with people and a broader environment you have no interest in connecting with is both taxing and in no way gratifying (in Idia’s mind, and in most cases). Its inefficient, which I also think is a good way of summarizing his attitudes towards social interaction.

He considers it pointless for everyone involved since he’s just going to disappear one day. Not to mention his upbringing and that hot mess of socialization, I think anybody would be fucked up from that. Plus his whole complex about his appearance and the fact that it’s not exactly been pleasant to just exist publicly. With all these factors in mind It’s important to remember that he’s the one who has decided he MUST be alone and that his fate is predetermined. In the name of efficiency/practicality and his sanity (while ironically undermining both) he just gives up before he’s even started. The world doesn’t end for the people around him, but he’s miserable and would be regardless. I mean he outright says so in book 6. The worst part is that he’s really self aware about it - he just doesn’t think he can change his circumstances or himself. I think the rest of his character really relies on that point. Honestly that’s what makes him so tragic and why I think his overblot is so interesting. It calls into question this focus on efficiency because it’s really just a bluff- as smart and rational as he wants to be, he’s quick tempered and honestly very emotional. We actually get to see just how far he can go with this almost martyr like philosophy because it hinges on his low self worth, but once someone he loves is brought into the equation, he completely jumps the gun. He may not see himself as worth saving, but for the one person he cares about/who understands him??? Who he believes he failed? Rationale goes out the window.

Anyways sorry for the little tangent there, I just think he’s so interesting and the incel trope really downplays the nuance there. He’s so smart but so emotionally driven despite being emotionally stunted and tbh I think that’s his downfall.

#I think he’s awful and wonderful #twst #idia post （ ; ; ）<3 #asks !!#idia shroud #tumblr won’t let me divide this on mobile help sorry alskdjdj

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a-dragons-journal · 4 months

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i know this is irrational, but i don't know how to get past it.

im fairly sure im a certain kintype. its something ive felt since i was little + its just right.

but for some reason every time i look for others with that specific kintype, the content is so... unrelatable. or its a specific stereotyped aesthetic (example: think vampirekin and the gothic aesthetic). which then makes me question myself. what if im not that kintype? because if i was, shouldnt there be someone else like me?

AAAAAAAAARGH sorry

Unfortunately, I don't know how to get past that one either, other than "just be stubborn and Just Do It(TM)", which probably isn't helpful. If it helps, I know this is a thing many, many people run into - dragons who are furred or feathered or aren't carnivores, angels who don't fit the eight million aesthetic boards of light and feathers and pastel colors, etc, etc. You may not have found someone who shares your exact kintype species/"species" yet, but you are not alone in looking at the broader subculture of your kintype and going "wow not even a little bit right for me".

I suppose I'd probably recommend posting about your experiences - whether you want to directly mention the contrast to many common things is up to you, but the best way to find people who share your experiences is to post about them publicly and see who pops up. You might be surprised - they might well be out there, and just be doing the exact thing you are, staring at the tags and feeling completely alone and lost.

#asked and answered #anonymous #otherkin #rani talks

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vorpalfae · 8 months

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ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞🥺😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

#kh

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l4m3nt · 1 year

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k so im writing an RTC fanfic that is a Famous AU and I need to spread how I view all the characters in this AU

General stuff -they're all in their late 20s/early 30s -the accident did happen, but there was no musical stuff and they didn't die. they just had bad injuries -the choir has mostly split off. -Ships: Blackrose, Spacedolls, Passionfruit, frenchspace, spacerap, frenchspacerap, Mischa x Talia -Ricky and Penny are married, Ocean and Constance are married and have a son, Mischa and Talia are engaged, and Noel is just fucking alone at the start of the story -Ocean travels a lot but lives with Constance in Uranium -Ricky and Penny live in Ricky's childhood home -Noel lives in his childhood home -Mischa and Talia have a house in Canada and in Ukraine Ocean -Politician -She campaigns for anti-discrimination and environmental stuff often -She is publicly proud about her relationship with Constance -lost contact with most of the choir -sometimes talks to Penny but it's not as easy as it used to be Constance -Baker -She is passively famous and is absolutely fine with just that -hates how people try and publicize her relationship with Ocean, but understands that happens sometimes -consistently talks to Penny, but they aren't necessarily friends Ricky -Sci-Fi author -couple of bestsellers, including his debut novel 'The Space-Age Bachelor Man' -finds speculation about his relationship status funny, but if you asked he would tell you he is happy in his marriage to Penny -tries to talk to Noel sometimes, but only got a response once. It was for an invitation to see the preview of the film based on one of Ricky's books. Noel declined. Penny/Jane -Painter -one of her most acclaimed works is a painting of her and Ricky together. She has one she never finished with all the choir is together. She started it after the accident, but stopped working on it as they all drifted apart. -very happy with Ricky and content to be where she is in life -talks to Constance and consistently eats at Blackwood Cafe. Constance says she doesn't have to pay, but she does. Mischa -Rapper/Singer:has a solo career but also has a duo with Talia -He has a song about his feelings for Noel, Ricky and Talia called 'This Big Heart of Mine' but everyone always assumes it's ONLY about Talia -Loves Talia very much but is also still hung up on his old crushed on Ricky and Noel. He and Talia aren't married yet because they both realized that they don't quite care about the title of their relationship, just that they're togther. -Hasn't spoken to the choir in years but is back in Uranium to do so

Talia -Singer:solo career as well as duo with Mischa -always had a passion for singing but Mischa was the one to encourage it -Loves Mischa and supports his endeavor of trying to win the hearts of Ricky and Noel -never actually knew the choir but thinks they sound nice based on what Mischa says Noel -Poet -most popular works is a poetry collection about the accident and how it felt to see all the choir members drift away after it titled 'Typhoon Mind' -loved Mischa and maybe Ricky, but never did anything about it. Now he beds random men every night. -hasn't spoken to the choir in years and doesn't really want to

and that's it i'll probably post it on ao3 when i finish writing the first couple of chapters

#ocean oconnell rosenberg #constance blackwood #ricky potts #penny lamb #jane doe rtc #mischa bachinski #talia bolinska #ocean x constance #ricky x penny #spacedolls #mischa x talia #mischa x noel #mischa x ricky #ricky x noel #ride the cyclone #starrypoet #spacerap

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electrificata · 1 year

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so then what's the leather and wet stone of omegaverse fanfic descriptions?

here's the thing. i read omegaverse fanfic for a pretty short, isolated period of my life. it was during the second half of early, severe lockdown, and that whole thing is kind of a blur to me. i simply dont remember much of it.

BUT. unfortunately. its very funny to make posts about omegaverse. so i do that sometimes. and this wine one had legs because, again, funny thing to post about. and people see that and they think. here is an omegaverse reader. an omegaverse poster, even. let me ask them questions about it. lets play in this space. and unfortunately im sitting here with nothing to give them. i cannot play in the space. i have said this publicly before! but such is the nature of the tumblr dashboard that you can say something several times, and even a follower will never see, let ALONE a non-follower.

so this is a grave i have dug for myself. i often field asks that address me as a sort of un ambassador of omegaverse fanfic. the delegate from the proud nation of slickknot. but i am not a un ambassador i am an american dingus who did a semester abroad in slickknot in my sophomore year of college ten years ago.

#hajnal this is not directed at you but i am using you to make a pr statement. i am so sorry

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fusionreactor · 4 months

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thoughts:::::..... im still thinking abt easing off this site .. this time for personal reasons as well... i feel like i dont give myself enough time to be alone with my thoughts and it keeps me from seeing the big picture......among other things.

i think i will post the link to my discord publicly tomorrow. bc im about to go to bed but i wanna welcome everybody who joins !

and if any of u don't want to follow me to another site... thank u for sharing this time with me!

im not leaving right away but i just wanted to say that lol <3

#logbook

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wheeliefarts · 9 months

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hi guys, my names tyler and i’m new to being open about my fart fetish, i mostly closeted myself for fear of disgust and judgement. which i’m sure a lot of you understand.

I will be sharing stories from when my ex used to rip ass in front of me. This is the introduction post.

i remember when i told my ex about my fetish for farts for the first time. it was when he farted in front of me for the first time ever, actually.

for context, i am in a wheelchair and have cerebral palsy.

i remember we came back from his parents place from having dinner with them. i was on his computer changing his password for him on some streaming service. i had told him in the past while knowing him it’s okay to fart in front of me, i wont judge as i am a gassy person myself. he kept that in the back of his mind for what im about to tell you.

as i finished changing the password for him, he came up behind the chair i was sitting in, towering over me, as he leans to kiss my head to thank me, he rips the loudest, semi-long fart and begins to laugh hysterically. at that moment, i feel my dick starting to get aroused so i quickly adjust myself when he’s still laughing, almost in tears from laughing so hard.

surprisingly, it didn’t smell at all. we laugh together, then after a few minutes i told him i needed to tell him something, but im really scared to. he then transfers me onto the couch with him and reassures me that i can tell him anything without judgement. i then took a deep breath and confessed about my fetish, almost like im rushing to get it out, saying it really fast. he holds my hands and asks me to slow down, so that is when i told him, “i have a fetish for guys farting and i’m just really scared for being judged. you’re the first person i’ve confessed this in real life to.” he then hugged me and began to ask me questions.

“what is it about farts you like?”

i then told him how it’s mainly the sound for me, as i wasn’t comfortable with smelling or face-sitting, don’t know if i still am or not yet.

he asked me to give scenarios and situation examples, so i pointed out what he just did a few minutes prior was very hot and arousing to me, him leaning his butt to one side when sitting, feeling him fart as i sit in his lap, farting in the car while driving, him trying to get my attention to hear him fart, holding in farts for when we’re alone in public, that kind of thing.

he then hugged me and smiled and thanked me again for expressing myself and reassured me that he doesn’t judge me at all. as i begin to let go from the sweet embrace, he holds me tighter and says, “ready?” he says quickly before letting out a muffled fart on the couch and then gives me a kiss and wink before the smell hits and we both laugh in disbelief (lolol)

i then became aroused and we had sex.

in the course of our relationship he would do the following:

- would fart openly when he had to and would blame it on me, even when his best friends would be over, jokingly blaming them as well. especially when gaming online, with his buddies.

- would cuddle me and fart every morning to make sure i felt it and heard it. sometimes it would lead to humping and farting also.

- would publicly fart in isles when it would just be the two of us and jokingly blame it on me.

- would fart in the car, often when entering and exiting.

- sometimes he would jokingly fart in my face, laugh and then feel bad and kiss me and apologize.

like i previously stated, it’s mainly the sound for me that arouses me, but now that i’ve been reading a lot of other posts and seeing a lot of more fetish content on other socials, it’s got me curious and open to the idea of fart-sniffing / face-sitting. it’s still a lingering feeling of curiosity though. but i would be open to at least trying it one day, i think.

i miss him and his farts to be honest, but i know ill find someone just the same, maybe even gassier than him.

so this concludes the time i first opened up to my ex about my fart fetish. :)

More to share in the future. :)

#eproctophilia #malesfarting #menfarting #WHEELIEFARTS #gay farts #gay fart stories #gassymen #gassyguys #fart story

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luckyladylily · 11 months

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honestly im with you here. i think that mangaka is just clearly working things out and isn't making any sweeping generalizations about trans people, just talking about their own experience in language that some people might not agree with (personally I just read the afterword and it looks fine to me), and it feels a bit harsh to bash on them when they're just trying to navigate these hard confusing feelings

I mean this isn't really a discussion in the real world, this is one of the most Tumblr things I've ever seen. Demily is a trans woman who got to transition young and in one of the most supportive countries in the world and has had a near perfect transition and grew up on Tumblr learning about trans issues and the correct way to speak about them. Of course she doesn't understand what many trans people have gone through. I mean, she responded by saying something about "having the guts to go through with it", as if transitioning is merely a matter of personal courage. The fact that she can even say that shows an astounding level of ignorance of the trans community outside of her own experience. She is essentially accusing this guy of transphobia but wow, maybe look in the mirror.

And yeah, the part she posted as an example of what she had a problem with absolutely isn't a problem, which you think it would be if she is trying to highlight what she considers bad behavior? You would think that she would highlight a particularly egregious part, but... no, not at all. they even specify in that part how it is their own experience using words like "my", "me", "I", "myself" and such. It is really hard to see sweeping generalizations in statements where the author so consistently and repeatedly refers to themselves.

But even if they were like she said, that's how a lot of pre transition people think. Like I said, they have not sorted it all out yet. Are we really in the business of insulting people trying to work towards a better understanding of their own pain because their words were not politically correct enough in expressing that pain? Is that what is important here?

Honestly I think she read it, it made her feel shitty and dysphoric and she lashed out and said something ignorant. She saw something that made her feel bad or angry and she assumed then that the thing was bad. It's an easy mistake to make, it was just a particularly unfortunate case.

Now the other thing that someone else, not demily, responded to that was that this kind of questioning should not be done publicly because it might make others feel bad. *That* is an astoundingly ignorant and transphobic thing to say. This is the kind of shit that gets you kicked out of real world trans groups and the only reason it flies here is because trans tumblr is extremely warped.

On the individual level, how are people supposed to get help if they always bottle up these feelings? People will say seek help in private, but that alone betrays an incredible level of ignorance and advantage that they think help is so easily found. No to mention, how are these people supposed to know that what they are saying is wrong if they don't understand and have the issue sorted out in their head? It's putting the cart before the horse in an incredibly stupid and obvious way. It is a special kind of trans issue ignorance, where young people who have had so many resources and advantages when it comes to knowledge simply cannot fathom that others didn't have those advantages, and it is rampant among young tumblr trans people. It is victim blaming, condemning the trans victim of a society or environment that censors trans related information for not knowing that information. It is ignorant and transphobic to hold trans people to an impossible standard when talking about their own feelings.

Second, the real argument they make here is that this stuff existing in public is a disinformation hazard for trans people. As if a single drop of the voice of a trans person talking about their own pain could ever make a difference in the ocean of anti trans everything drowning our society. It's insignificant at worst in the face of everything else in society, and this is what we as a trans community are here for! To educate, spread the information, make sure others can see what is real past all the propaganda. Adding a drop to the ocean wont matter, and I still don't concede that people expressing their pain in this way are doing so.

I'm not even going to entertain the statement that it is disrespectful to trans women who have already transitioned. That's just nonsense.

Finally, on the community level, there is a ton of value in these feelings put out there uncensored, less than ideal language intact, is because there are many other trans people right now who feel the same way but think they are the only one. They don't identify with the common stated trans experience of "I always knew" or "I felt something was wrong since I was a child". Trans experiences differ wildly and censoring one of the types of trans experiences because we find the language unpleasant is inexcusable.

Not to mention the historical value of having this kind of trans experience laid out so plainly and in such an enduring form.

The whole thing is just extremely online nonsense and highlights how ignorant a trans person can be of trans issues outside of their own frame of reference.

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scaryarcade · 1 year

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your syscourse post is 100% true, even as a professionally recognized DID + traumagenic + etc system. there is unbelievable pressure to label your experiences in the context of trauma. and while that is helpful in some ways… oh my god is it stressful. i rarely hang around in DID/OSDD/traumagenic spaces because of this. (I stay in mixed plural spaces & specific-trauma-type spaces now.) as much as I do not relate to endogenics on a lot of stuff, they taught me an approach to systemhood that has been much more sustainable long term. my parts are not a puzzle for me to solve.

i do really appreciate that post because it’s something i’ve been thinking for a long time. especially when “endo-neutral” people say that they believe endos are experiencing something, “just something fundamentally different” and emphasize how separate our communities should be. any individual can choose where they want to exist, but learning from folks all over the plural spectrum has been very enriching to me personally.

i really love the sentence "my parts are not a puzzle for me to solve" that is such an elegant and concise way to put it. i rly relate to that.

im in a similar boat--i see endogenic plurals describe a lot of experiences that i do not relate to, but the very earliest vocabulary i ever had to describe my own experiences was terminology i saw in endogenic spaces. it didnt quite fit what was really happening but it allowed me to explore my experiences safely at my own pace. when i got a little older i felt pressured to decry the "misinformation" i had been exposed to and lament having been "misled" or whatever. but thats not really what happened and i wish i hadnt spent so much time feelign so much disdain for my younger self abt it. and im grateful to those plurals/systems for talking publicly about their experiences bc it made me feel less alone for maybe the first time ever.

and yeah im with you 100% like of course people are, and should be, free to choose where they find community but i dont understand the assertion of "we're fundamentally too different from each other to share spaces". it's not based on any objective fact and is really inconsiderate towards people on either "side" who feel differently.

i didnt expand on this in my post so i will say re: the pressure to label experiences in the context of trauma, i definitely think it's an issue far beyond the scope of Syscourse Topics--i think people with DID (and in general, traumatized people with complex dissociation) are used to having their experiences delegitimized and dismissed by everybody around them, medical professionals included. so i understand the like...instinct. to be like. "this really is happening, here is the tangible concrete evidence of it, here's all the scientifically validated boxes it checks, if i just prove myself enough they will see how real it is". but in communities this becomes a standard to hold people to & a tool to punish people who fall short of the mark in whatever way. so like it's a much bigger issue but also i think a lot of anti-endo sentiment is just a manifestation of this fear.

anyway this got very rambly and long but thank you for sharing ur thoughts im rly glad to hear the post resonated with u!

#abyssposting #asks

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