#im scared my meds arent working all the way

[teeniestjojokitten]

i always always always feel like im worse at bein grown up than everyone around me, like im bad at being big and then i remembr im literally chronically ill and mentally ill and why am i being so mean to myself but how do i reteach my brain that when the world tells you that if you cant keep pushing yourself then you arent good enough... gonna cry gonna have like a little tiny breakdown

[ghoulodont]

well im not sure exactly what was happening 2 months ago when i made that but i wanted to say as of recently im doing a lot better and im back on meds that work with tolerable side effects (my beloved & beloathed seroquel) and things are normal.

whats interesting to me is that thinking is easier in some ways but harder in others. it feels like theres an artificially imposed structure to my thoughts. they can no longer branch out organically. i have to stay in a box. and im worried thats going to make it harder to write but i havent really tried because im not inspired by anything. or maybe its going to make writing less interesting because for me part of the joy of writing is constructing something intricate. things arent intricate anymore they are just plain and easy to accept. which is good for paranoia but bad when youre intentionally weaving a web.

what im trying to say is that i think my writing has always been a product of psychotic thinking and im a little scared im going to lose it in favor of things like being able to have a job and being able to go outside without getting scared of people and all of that. i wrote beta lactam in may which was when this episode started. and i guess ive been medicated off and on since then but this feels like im finally stable and maybe a little like a door is closing

[girlburnsalive]

Mental health is so bad rn im questioning if it's ever been good. I was excited to graduate school and start the rest of my life but now I'm scared what will happen without that structure. I do need a break but I'm gonna get so sick of my parents if I spend all my time at home. I've lost all my passions and feelings so going to class is just a chore i force myself to do but without anything external forcing me to go outside and keep a regular sleep schedule especially in winter I'm scared I'll be on a downward spiral. But I know I need a break too if I just get a job straight away I'll get even more burnt out. I don't know what to do. I guess I've got to give myself some tasks to do, pick some new goal to work towards. If i don't care then any goal is as good as any other. Anxiety corrupts everything I do, everything becomes terrifying, it's like a fog around everything I can't escape. God I don't know. I actually want meds at this point, before I was too scared of being dependent on anything but now I don't feel like I have a choice, like I am actually unable of controlling my anxiety or being happy on my own. It's a waking nightmare to be completely honest and I can't think my way out of it because the thing that does the thinking is generating the nightmare. Grrrrrrrrrrrrargh. I do have to believe it's going to get better I know life moves like a wave and if I just keep going eventually something will change. But god I feel so defeated

Yeah idk I thought somehow that my anxiety would disappear like that it was a childhood phase I would grow out of once I did enough Cool Shit and i thought i had grown out of it but i was really just suppressing my feelings & covering it up with alcohol at social events lmao. All my life really I dreamed of a magical solution or some dramatic shift that would save me and make me happy and lovable and worthy. But ive moved across the continent twice and changed my gender and if those arent dramatic enough changes then nothing is. My last hope was moving out of my parents i thought. I dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I dont know. That getting to be on my own would fix me. But now I know it wont I tried having jobs and that was my lowest point. SO i dont think living on my own would be that much different. I want to do it anyway but I have no hope itll fix me. I'm facing the scary prospect that I'm gonna be the same person forever like I can't run away from how my brain works. Horrible actually. Yarghghghghghghghhghghghghgh

I want desperately to be someone else, someone whos attractive and confident and unbothered and doesnt have all these rigid neuroses. But i just feel like its impossible I keep being defeated when I try to become them. It's like I always return to this place of loneliness and alienation and numbness. I fucking hate it here but i'm its bitch it has a hold on me. What the hell do i do???? God

[junosartsthetic]

long rant ahead containing talk of disability, anxiety, suicidal ideation, depression, medication, therapy, family issues, and weight/food. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere and i dont have any rl friends to talk to so im throwing my problems onto yall. Apologies. Please do not think you have to read this or force yourself if you are uncomfortable. Ill probably delete later anyway. I just need to get all of my thoughts on the table in one place. 

Alright so I have a disorder called POTS, right? basically long story short my blood pressure gets all wack and causes a variety of symptoms. Now, these symptoms can come and go pretty quickly or linger for weeks or months at a time. But of course lately I’ve been feeling like shit almost every day and I hurt all the time and my body aches and head aches and its all in all just a not fun situation. Well, thats not the only shit on my list. Not only am i constantly lightheaded, dizzy, and super brain fogged all the time, but im 99% sure my anxiety meds are not working anymore. Ive been on them for a few years now and they have helped a lot but it seems like theyre not doing anything anymore. I have also been dealing with a lot of new stressors from work to school to my physical health and its also not helping my anxiety. So maybe thats why i feel like they’re not working but im not sure. of course, my depression is also kicking in because its turning winter and that means cold and dark and basically not good for my mental state. I also am on a bunch of meds on the moment to take care of different things i have so maybe the meds are interacting with each other. also, my weight and food intake have been all over the fucking place lately because these new meds im taking for my stomach issues. and now im hungry all the time but also feel sick because my heart burn is always flaring up and half the time i vomit up what i eat because of how bad it is. its just a whole mess honestly and if i seem off this is why. im trying to make appointments with my doctors to get myself better but its hard trying to work around my schedule at the moment. hopefully i get better and get past this current state im in but honestly im struggling. My grades arent the best at the moment and im also falling into the habit of sleeping way too much and staying in bed all day which is terrible for my POTS but also i cant help it because I feel like shit all the time. its just a cycle rn and i really really want to get out of it so bad. honestly i think i have bipolar depression instead of generalized depression because of the mood swings ive been having lately. it could also be med stuff or something im honestly not sure. a part of me wants to completely stop taking all of my meds to reset my body but obviously what would be terrible but also im at the point where i feel just awful all the time and want to feel better and not have all this shit wrong with me. im only 19 and yet i feel like im 90 with all of the issues i have. i cant do any of the things i want to do because i either feel too dizzy to do them or too depressed. and ive tried therapy but that didn’t help in the slightest, and in fact made it worse because she was a shit therapist, but i know people have said it helps for them but im too scared from that last experience. and i really dont have anybody to talk to about this because my family is understanding but not really supportive in the way that i need, nor do they listen when i voice my concerns. and my s/o is away in college and we dont talk much anymore. and i didnt stay in contact with any of my high school friends nor do i really have anyone in college because im too introverted to talk to anyone so i really just feel abandoned and alone at the moment. and it sucks. and ive resorted to pushing my problems on the internet in a selfish attempt to, idk. get sympathy? maybe magically get cured from my issues with words? i honestly dont know. i just dont really know what else to do at the moment. i feel trapped in my own body. and it sucks. and i dont want anyone to take this like im suicidal because im not. i was at one point but thats not what i want for myself now. I have pets to take care of. and lord knows my family wouldnt care about my reptiles if i wasnt here to take care of them. im just stuck in a rut. thats all. and i dont really know what to do about it. so long story short im hanging in there and tumblr is one of the few places i honestly get happiness from. so thank yall for being here because i appreciate it. but if i dont post often or spam or basically do anything thats out of the ordinary its because im trying to work through shit atm. so yeah. that’s about it.  

:)

[zelinkslullaby]

So. I think ill be putting in my two weeks notice tomorrow.

I feel bad because it'll *really* be screwing over the business, there will only be 4 people who do nights and they all also work afternoons...

But at the same time, the *reason* its getting so hard for me is because I feel like I'm being overworked. Because we're so short staffed.... and im... going to make them even more short staffed.

Like, I'd be willing to stay if I only worked like three days a week because I fully admit I'm pathetic and weak and can't work that much. 5 six hour days kill me (and they arent always 6 hours because sometimes we'll unexpectedly stay late cause the baker isn't done yet or it got really busy)

And I know my boss wouldn't do that he'd be like just quit then, cause having someone who rarely works isn't worth it to him even though it'd arguably be better than entirely losing another person.

My parents thankfully support it ;-; I just feel bad.... I feel guilty and ill miss my coworkers. And im scared of how my boss will respond

But goddamn today was really the last fucking straw.

My coworker irritated me and since I'm messing with my meds it *really* irritated me and I straight up walked out for a few minutes (which would've been entirely unacceptable if my boss had been there). And I had to make so. Many. FUCKING raspberry lime rickeys. The most annoying drink to make. This one customer KNEW it was the most complicated and irritating thing to make *and ordered four of them, proceeding to be amused that I wasn't happy about it.* and oh FUCK. YOU. Then two more customers order two :) and then two more :) and since we gotta fucking fresh squeeze them, I was doing that and my hand slipped off the handle and slammed into the counter because it takes so much goddamn effort to squeeze the fuckers.

I also had to make 2 sandwiches and we don't have a way to do it quickly. Theyre a fucking pain to make. And THEN when I was coming back from my break, I quickly started a pot of coffee cause we were almost out, and as soon as I got to the counter the customer thatd been happily chatting along with the other and my coworker said "ah, so *now* you're gonna help me" like excuse the fuck me??? Do you not see I was doing something? Oh no God forbid you had to wait TEN SECONDS.

Another coworker said he was just joking around but I dont care! I dont know you! That's just fucking rude!

And its only going to get busier as summer gets closer and covid restrictions are being lifted. So yeah. Im getting the fuck out. And ranting about how shit today was has helped reaffirm that for me. I dont need the stress. I dont even actually need a job. I'm sorry im making things worse for the bakery but 🤷‍♀️ maybe you should try not overworking your employees and actually hiring people.

[xsugarysweetsx]

Bam! Im gonna hit you with more various Honoka hcs.

⁃ So when Noka was a baby, neither her dad or Shirou knew what the hell to do with her wings.

⁃ Her first word was "Siro" which was exposed to be "Shirou"

⁃ She would fly around and their dad would make Shirou chase her down.

⁃ When Shirou and Noka were taken in by their uncle, he just slept and let her do whatever.

⁃ Their uncle, also known as Eraserhead, was a very kind guardian

⁃ He went to each of Shirou's ballet concerts, and did Noka's hair for picture day

⁃ If you looked through his search history it would be filled with "how to do a braid for beginners"

⁃ Aizawa bought Noka various art supplies and bought Shirou new shoes whenever they needed them

⁃ Didnt want them to become heroes

⁃ Cause he didnt want to see the two children he practically raised to be hurt

⁃ But because of their ties to All for One, the government forced both of them to become heros to "prove" that they had severed their bonds with All for One

⁃ Shirou's dream was to become a professional dancer and Noka's was to become a professional artist

⁃ And Aizawa was not happy that the two lights in his life were torn from their dreams

⁃ And so Shirou got accepted into the hero program, in class 1-A

⁃ He chose the hero name Shifter

⁃ Cause he could shift into any organic form

⁃ When he got 3rd place at the sports festival, Noka ran around her uncle's apartment screaming with joy

⁃ Noka is literally his biggest fan

⁃ Noka's first friend was a small purple haired boy name Hitoshi Shinsou

⁃ So naturally, she called him Toshi

⁃ And she refused to call him anything else all throughout middle and high school

⁃ Shinsou and Noka have sleepovers all the time and you can't tell me otherwise

⁃ When people would tell Shinsou that his quirk was villainous, Noka would always speak up cause she knew Shinsou wouldnt contradict them

⁃ Noka is always like that

⁃ Speaking up for others and herself. And her smart mouth tends to get her in trouble

⁃ Shinsou would fuss over Noka's wings. Like if they were dirty or a few feathers were out of place, Shinsou would sit her down and fix her wings.

⁃ "Toshi, your inner mom is showing"

⁃ "Its not my fault you cant take proper care of your wings"

⁃ When she told Shinsou about her acceptance into U.A's med course, he couldn't have been prouder

⁃ Noka is actually the one who encouraged Shinsou to train with her uncle.

⁃ But before that lets talk about Noka's time at U.A. so far

⁃ She was first introduced to class 1-A during the first combat training

⁃ Healed everyone who got very minor injuries

⁃ At the USJ attack, Shigiraki deteriorated part of Noka's hip. But her extremely enhanced natural healing abilities stopped the deterioration

⁃ So she has this big ass scar on the back side of her left hip

⁃ She wanted to absolutely murder Shigiraki for letting the Nomu loose on her uncle

⁃ But she doesnt have any damaging fire power

⁃ So she just tried to heal her uncle's wounds the best she could

⁃ Nearly gets herself killed many times with her smart assery

⁃ And gives everyone around her a heart attack in the process

⁃ During the sports festival, she helped RG heal all the students

⁃ Reprimanded Deku for overusing OfA

⁃ Oh yeah, she learned about AfO and OfA from her time with All for One

⁃ Is kind of like to Deku like Recovery Girl is to All Might

⁃ So fast foward to the internships

⁃ She interns with another oc of mine, Snow

⁃ Who is a healer but with incredible attack powers

⁃ Coincidentally, Noka was patrolling Hosu when the nomus hit

⁃ She recieved Deku's distress signal and ran to the scene

⁃ She didnt attack the hero killer, but ran to help Native and made sure he didnt bleed out

⁃ The hero killer didnt bat a single eye at her, deeming her not a threat

⁃ In the end, she didnt harm Stain so her hero guardian? didnt have to take any blame for her actions

⁃ Noka however did get nearly ripped in half by a nomu, so she had to stay in the hospital with Todo and Deku

⁃ So— Summer training arc

⁃ She just looked at her class and said "fuck this" and flew over the whole forest

⁃ She actually beat the wild wild pussycats back to the camp

⁃ She got to know Kota, telling him how she never wanted to become a hero

⁃ Kota may or may not have developed a kiddie crush on her 😳

⁃ But anyways, when everyone else saw her all nice and refreshed, needless to say they were upset

⁃ Some more than others

⁃ *remembers Bakugou nearly blowing off Noka's face because she cheated*

⁃ Aizawa just smirking at his niece cause shes so much like her mother

⁃ "DAMMIT TAKAHASHI. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE YOU CHEATER"

⁃ "They said to use our quirks. Its not my fault your quirk is too grounded"

⁃ "WHAT— YOU WANNA FIGHT—"

⁃ "No I wanna eat, goodbye—"

⁃ Focuses on her attack and the healing capabilities of her quirk

⁃ Let me set the scene

⁃ At the beginning of UA, our Noka could barely heal up a small cut

⁃ But now, she can close up major wound with little to no effort

⁃ P r o g r e s s people

⁃ N e ways

⁃ So when they do the haunted quirk thingy

⁃ Hairi and Noka are paired up, to their delight

⁃ But they aren't able to go into the forest before the attack happens

⁃ Apparently, the league came for Bakugou and Noka

⁃ Cause the "master" wanted his first nomu to return to him

⁃ But all Deku knew was "they are after Kacchan and the master's first Nomu"

⁃ Nobody knew who the first nomu was except for Noka

⁃ See, AfO took and gave Noka various quirks, eventually ending up with her current quirk(s)

⁃ Eventually, Noka is cornered by Dabi

⁃ His fire power vastly out matches hers

⁃ But she puts up one hell of a fight

⁃ And Kurogiri took her before she woke up and fought back even more

⁃ So everyone was panicking when they couldnt find Noka

⁃ Aizawa was panicking them most

⁃ His precious niece was missing, no, taken by the league

⁃ The students had never seen their teacher so frazzled

⁃ The thing that broke Aizawa more was the look on Shirou's face when he told him that his baby sister was missing

⁃ His precious baby sister

⁃ His whole world

⁃ Shirou didnt go out of his room for days

⁃ He was there when they were to save Bakugou and Noka

⁃ All Might fought AfO, and won

⁃ But there was no sign of Noka

⁃ Shirou nearly tackled Bakugou, demanding, no, more like pleading for him to tell him where she was

⁃ Bakugou merely said "She's gone, and I dont know where she went"

⁃ The whole class was in a panic

⁃ Where was Noka? Was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she in danger?

⁃ And the question that hung on everyone's mind the most was

⁃ Is she alive?

⁃ The emptiness of Noka's desk was deafening

⁃ Their smart ass classmate was nowhere to be found

⁃ And they all felt guilty

⁃ But none more than Bakugou

⁃ For he was the last to see her alive so to speak

⁃ And her last words to him were "Forget about me ya big oaf, you hear me? I don't want you sulking, or I'll personally beat your ass."

⁃ Forget about her? How could he do that?

⁃ Noka was the only person who didn't put up with his bullshit

⁃ From day one she put him in his place

⁃ And honestly shes the closest thing to a sister he has

⁃ During the hero license exam, all of class 1-A decided that Noka would be really upset if they all sulked and failed their exams

⁃ But the fact that only Todoroki and Bakugou failed would make her fall into hysterics

⁃ When class 1-A met the big three, Mirio told them that Noka was strong and stubborn to a fault, so they shouldnt worry about things that arent in their control

⁃ To which they asked how he knew her

⁃ Apparently Shirou, Amajiki, and Mirio have all been friends since elementary school

⁃ So Amajiki and Mirio had been there a lot for many crucial parts of Noka's childhood

⁃ When the work studies started, Deku went on patrol with Mirio and Shirou, AKA Lemillion and Shifter

⁃ Shirou couldnt help but feel so much guilt crushing him when Eri jumped out of Deku's arms

⁃ Cause Eri reminded him of his little sister

⁃ Speaking of little sister

⁃ For the last 2 months, Noka had been experimented on by Kai Chisaki

⁃ In the mean time trying to protect Eri and building a loving friendship with the young girl

⁃ But ive alreadly talked about this part

⁃ So skipping to when they save her

⁃ It was a total shock for them

⁃ To see this wingless, pale, frail, bandage wrapped girl

⁃ And even more so when she spoke

⁃ Not having that bite that their Noka had

⁃ But a softer, more broken voice replaced her normally boisterous and confident voice

⁃ In the big battle agains Chisaki, Noka got slammed against a wall

⁃ Which in normal circumstances would be fine, but with her body in such a week state it immediately cracked her ribs and spine

⁃ Ochako helped get her friend to the ambulance as quick as she could

⁃ Shirou saw a fluff of pale pink hair out of the corner of his eye

⁃ He immediately turned to run towards the medical stretcher, but was stopped

⁃ He kicked and screamed something along the lines of "THATS MY BABY SISTER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER"

⁃ In the most broken voice you would ever hear

⁃ In the hospital, after Sir. Nighteye had passed, Deku, Kirishima, Amajiki, Shirou, Ochako, Tsu and Aizawa were all waiting anxiously for Noka's surgery

⁃ When all of a sudden the door explodes open and the nurses and doctors are shoved out by an invisible force of heat

⁃ Noka was using her ability to set herself aflame and be healed in the ashes

⁃ But no one knew wtf was going on cause she learned the trick at the Hassaiki hideout

⁃ So p a n i k

⁃ But after the doctors confirmed her stablility, they all went back to school

⁃ The whole class bursted into tears when they told them about Noka

⁃ Jirou, Kaminari, Momo and Mina all being the most emotionally impacted

⁃ Bakugou was almost crying witb relief but he disnt show jt

⁃ They weren't allowed to see Noka for a whole month

⁃ Only family were allowed

⁃ She was hard at work recovering and going through therapy and they didnt want to disturb her

⁃ But when they (Kirishima, Deku, Ochako, and Tsu) did visit, they were shocked

⁃ There was this soft spoken, trembling, woman, and this was after a month of intense therapy

⁃ They hadnt event started physcial therapy yet, they wanted to get her tk the point she could be around others without going into a panic mode

⁃ Thus she needs the wheelchair

I have a bunch more random hcs but this is so long anyways. Im so sorry >_<

~Blurb~

It’s fine anon but seriously you gotta start posting!

[currentfandomkick]

Bio! Dad Strange Part 5

Some paris update again with more Rogue shenanigans. Heads up, this is more a ‘i decided everyone can be complex and get along somewhat so im altering character dynamics from cannon to my prefrence’

When Marinette and Max and Nino ended up in Chloe’s class the trio made a simple pack on sight—aviod her at all costs.

Why?

Max is fairly certain Marinette is some type of meta. Fairly. She’s still the only person on his level close to his age, so he isnt saying anything.

Nino doesnt share this suspicion, but she’s close with Sabrina, who’s dad keeps checking in on him and Marinette’s family way more than the other stidents at Dupont. Nino doesnt like this, and by proxy, Chloe is horrible.

Marinette thinks Chloe and Sabrina could out her and aviods them to prevent this.

Their teacher sees this and decides to ignore the mandate to keep Max and Marinette And Chloe and Sabrina as science partners in every situation by switching things up.

Max hates working with Chloe—she keeps foddling and talking about fashion when its chemistry class. Focus on the lesson you heathen

Marinette works well with Sabrina (both organized) but she is extremely uncomfortabke with this as Raincomprix starts asking her for help on cases out in the open. Woth science and she has to fake not knowing about them. He takes forever to catch on that her mom doesnt know, and would be pissed if she knew.

Raincomprix then uses his daughter as an inbetween for his and marinette’s joint ‘solve the coldcase’ game. Sabrina gets involved to practice english and science, and finds out she’s good at finding overlooked clues.

As you can guess, this leads to Sabrina and Chloe joining the group.

Marinette and chloe talk fashion sometimes, Chloe critics her color pallettes and stitches. Also her choice to use rogues as inspiration becuase “arent they bad guys?”

“Eh? I think theyre just bad at getting the help they need.”

“Didnt joker kill people?”

“That was mostly mr. J. Easy mistake.”

“...okay...”

This curbs a decent amount of Chloe’s bullyign early on. Chloe is not borderline meta in this, just fixated on fashion to an insane degree—she knows everything about all aspects of the industry but cant design from scratch. Her mom looks down on her for this.

Chloe is also how the group know of ‘adrikins’ who is her prince and will marry her someday or be her forever family, uncertain which.

Alix gets along well with chloe as she needs someone to be salty with when Kim is being an idiot and Marinette is too nice and it goes over Max’s head and Nino is... there is some doubt if he’s scared of Kim or just really respects him.

Sabrina and Max cannot be left alone under any circumstances though. They will try to outsmart each other. Sabrina via legal things, Max via facts and trivia. Marinette is used as their buffer, much to her frustration as she does have designing to do guys!

Kim is showing signs of a crush. Marinette has not noticed as has a secret identity to keep, rogue family to manage from another country, other people’s secret identites to keep (she blames Tim.) so many languages to learn and practice and to top it off, friends to keep from killing each other during school. She has a lot on her plate, ok?

So that summer was more rogue sheneigans and dodging heroes while being herself and forcing her Father to cook with her—mostly Great Uncle Wang’s recipes.

“I am being bossed around by a child. In my own kitchen.”

“You were the one that claimed me as yours. I demand compensation in bonding time.”

“Uh, Mr. Smith was it? My neice suggested a aimple soup seeing as you are a... novice.”

This lead to an oddity for the Science Rogues—Mr. Freeze, Scarecrow, Strange and Riddler—getting into cooking wars. Only the RKC knew how and Not one of them would spill, only looking at Marinette who was smiling as she said “my great uncle did that!”

This also left the four with less plotting to destroy gotham time. It worked out for the most part.

If she got bored (and she does) she visits Ivy and helps out in the greenhouse or her the wayne’s gardens. Rose now has her own plants sprawling about gotham (marinette dropped fast grow seeds) so she can escape the Greenhouse and move about Gotham without mama bear Ivy trying to take over the city while looking for her teen-appearing child.

Frost was busy with college and so was Ghoul, so she hung out more with Puzzles due to proximity. Puzzles got it in his head to prank Hero Stalker and Batman. Marinette tried to talk him out of it, she did.

It failed. And somehow it was a night with Batgirl and Nightwing/old Robin trying to help Batman with his grief over the last robin who died. The new robin had yet to be revealed, but she noticed hero stalker was more motivated lately. She knew she couldnt stop him—he’s a year older than her and probably rich. (And she’s not supposed to exist...)

So Puzzles pretends to be Riddler and lures them into an old tv set. They were not expecting it to be a hideout for a gang.

And if Marinette was in an old Harley Quinn outfit with a hammer her size to match, well... disguise?

Harley realized what was happening when she checked the groupchat and no one knew where they pair was until Rose was pestered for a bit to have her plants check.

They went into a drug den and the batfam was with them. Fuck.

Puzzles and her get out of there when the realize what’s up. Why? Guns and not being invulnerable.

Marinette is worried though and hides and may hit one of the armed men hard enough to fly across the room.

Puzzles stares at her. She flies to tackle him and grumbles about sunlight messing with her meds again.

Nightwing caught that, realizes who knock off harley is, and guns for the kids. Only there are more goons now and—shit. Where did the kids go?

Batfam took down the gang.

Harley is seen in her car a few blocks away with... are those kids? It trends on social media that Harley has a daughter who’s grounded for messing amwith gangs.

The Council meets to scold Marinette and try to get the story straight.

Dent snorts when he finds out they were just going to silly string the batfam and slime them on camera. The camera was busted in the fight though...

Hero stalker freaks out about the whole thing and tells the pair off. “You almost died!”

“He said my dad was dumb! It was a matter of honor!”

Hero stalker is Done with Puzzles and tries to talk sense into Marinette, who says its her job to keep him from dying, ok?

Hero Stalker/Tim is upset but kind of gets it from watching Batman. Sometimes your partner does dumb things and you have to keep them safe y going along with the dumb thing.

Riddler puts them in a puzzle maze for a week. Marinette figures it out and goes in and out of it to make it look like she’s still trapped.

Strange rolls his eyes as yes, this is his daughter. Yes, she is smarter than Riddler.

Ed Nygma the other hand is keeping Puzzles grounded for another week. He lets Marinette visit to check up on his and Riddler’s states since they share a body and all.

Harley is still lecturing Marinette and gets her to agree shell at least tell Rose when something is up from then on.

Rose puts a plant on marinette. I am not joking, she puts a vine on marinette’s arm to keep her safe and make her take her meds since “you cant fly otherwise nets. And put in your earplugs!”

At somepoint there may be a case of music master making an appearance, but idk if it should be marinette is immune due to earplugs or marinette gets dragged into being seen by the league AND rogues at once and they bith try to grab a very freaked out Marinette who flies back to france where Max is mid-panic since she needs someone to talk to and uh, she figures he knows most of it so, help. She needs logic and hers is shot at the moment.

Next time we get more of a quick fic on marinette’s training with Zsasz as a kid.

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[ihavenopersonalityuwu]

Wow so the day actually got worse somehow. We were behind all afternoon, all our shit turned red in the computers (which means we're not meeting deadlines so people think their meds are ready and they arent), and we ended the fucking day that way. In the red, with 60 scripts waiting to be filled the next morning. People kept getting mad at us bc there were constant problems that me and the cashier couldn't fix ourselves, one pharmacist who is shit at her job and one tech who was spread way too thin and doing way too much. He was covering bc we were gonna have no techs otherwise, thank god he was there though. The line of people wouldn't stop and there were problems with like all of their meds, so the ones who came earlier and we gave a time to come back were coming back to find their stuff not ready yet. I was freaking out, I can fill prescriptions now but I still don't really know what I'm doing, and my anxiety is so bad lately that I take forever to count and sometimes have to double count bc I'm scared I got it wrong, and it was just.. A really bad day. Kept getting really angry, which I was doing better with for awhile, but I just kept punching stuff here and there because I couldn't keep it under wraps. I would've started hitting my head or like breaking shit if I didn't do that, and I hate that feeling bc I make an idiot out of myself for it every time I lose control in front of people. I was just so done with the people, I couldn't make them happy no matter what I did and I had way too many act like dicks. The cashier wasn't doing what she should've been either, she's dual job coded for cashiering inside and outside the pharmacy so she has two supervisors, but she listened to the one who told her take an hour lunch and didn't even ask the pharmacy manager, even though she doesn't "have to" for a 12 hr shift like that person said, and in pharmacy we always take half hour lunches for a good reason. Also she had to take hers at a less than ideal time in order to space her shift correctly, then she takes what was definitely more than an hour so it fucked everything up so bad. I was really pissed and I couldn't hide it at all. Then she goes around cleaning everything when there's shit she should be doing, like you know, cashiering and sorting the prescription bags (we threw them up unsorted bc we were low on time, but that's not how it's supposed to be long term), and it was stressing me out because I'm doing the register when I'm supposed to be filling and none of the scripts are organized, so I don't know where anything is. Cleaning the windows was not that fucking important, but that's what she was doing the whole time. Then complained about the bags not being organized, which is what she should've been doing that whole time was sorting them! This is turning into a vent at this point but idc. Im just so done. And I have to do it all again tomorrow. But we have decent staffing, both in terms of numbers and people lol so it should be better. Thankfully we often have a tech and a pharmacist come an hour before opening to catch up on the previous days work, so we shouldn't start off in the red at the very least. And I come in an hour after opening so it shouldn't be too crazy when I come in.

[cloneslugs]

oh fuck u sent me multiple so demo/engie/medic/scout and also u can do the one i already sent

ty i love you

Demo

favorite thing about them

he’s super fun!!! but also really smart and caring and just an all around cool dude he’s like B) !

least favorite thing about them

this isnt about him personally lol but like official stuff(comics) lighten the fuck out of his skin and its like. dont

favorite line

i didnt even see this question when i first did this wtf but uh all his “i love you” esque lines are really excellent

brOTP

exclusing soldier lol!!! probably sniper or engie!!

OTP

soldier :’)

nOTP

besides scout & pyro & just like. looking at just the mercs no one really demo deserves love

random headcanon

he likes turtles a lot & just reptiles/amphibians in general just in a kinda neat/favorite animal type way nothing special, he gets around with engie and sniper and they all get drunk and they talk about cryptids, he has a super big heart he loves love, outside of the battlefield he’s pretty apprehensive and cautious moreso than lots of the others at least, he doesnt push himself to be it often just bc he doesnt like leaderly positions but he defo has one of the more valid voices of reason amongst all of them, he loves to help and just listen to people he’s always ready to offer you a drink and take a load off and just talk things out & he’s super chill and easy to talk to anyway, he comes off as really lazy but he can jump up and make do when he needs to

unpopular opinion

idk whats considered popular or not on here lol but like!! he’s not just stupid silly drunk man he’s actually got heart and is pretty intelligent & like probably one of the better off mercs if he wanted himself to be

song i associate with them (this is literally the worst question im so bad at this if i dont have lots n lots of searching time and also i forget all music ever)

cheap thrills - sia

favorite picture of them (sorry 4 bg edits im doing what i have on hand lol)

hes so fucking happy i love you!!!

Engie

favorite thing about them

he’s my fucking husband he makes my heart fucking soar!!! he’s a quiet little sweetheart and he’s just really smart and nice and has morals iusdahui

least favorite thing about them

fucking nothing you animals 

favorite line

all his fucking nerdy engineering lines are so fucking good ;____; he’s so smart and passionate god“i love engines! pinion shafts! flanges. mitigating shock loads. but most of all: i love winnin’!” “they won’t know what hit ‘em! though it’ll likely to be bullets. statistically speaking” theres more but im like ;___; just thinking about him ah

brOTP

medic babey!!!!!! i have a thing for shitty best friends that tire each other out (especially on one side) but love each other at the end of the day and are just ride or diepyro also but for completely different reasons :-)

OTP

spy is fucking excellent -.- dont @ me

nOTP

soldier lol (excluding pyro & scout)

random headcanon

i think all the mercs are autsitic but engie is one of my fucking fav ahhhhh, he and medic info dump for hours especially where their special interests overlap and it gets really boring if youre not one of them lol, he loves learning but he hated school so much ):, he has pretty bad anxiety but only under certain circumstance, he’s kinda jealous that spy gets to automatically be seen as a paternal figure bc of scout and he kinda wishes he could settle in like that but he also doesnt think he’d be very good at it for a very prolonged amount of time, he loves math!!!! he loves numbers a lot he associates it with lots of fun and colors and just !!!!! wow wow!!, he has really really really high empathy when it comes to machines and stuff, he loves dogs especially smaller ones, he really loves to fidget w/ tools and stuff bc he always has one on hand and theres lots you can do with some of them, he’s really lazy and has a hard time applying himself sometimes

unpopular opinion

the comics really brush him aside i need to see him more please for the love of god he’s just as interesting as anyone else also fat engie is the only valid engie & also soldier/engie is fucking forced and weird idk where it comes from except they wear hats lol & also people call engie short but if you dont make him 5′00 give or take 3 inches youre doing it wrong and i cant stand by it

song i associate with them

this is like. also a soldier song for me lol but Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - the decemberists

favorite picture of them

ms pauling and medic!! his buddies :) also i just love the shadowboxers art

his fly costume makes me so ;___; i love you little man

also i hate to default to beard engie but this is literally the sexiest man alive

Medic

favorite thing about them

i have a thing for shitty men with halfway decent hearts but are trying(sometimes) okay like okay he’s so chaotic and bad but ;___; i love you

least favorite thing about them

this mostly applies to his Meet the vid but he comes off as really apathetic and cruel? i think in everything else he comes off as a bit nicer if not absentminded and not too socially aware which is :)

favorite line

bro when he warns heavy about that gun in the comix? gay rights U__U also the like “you can take the brain out of the criminal and put it in a pumpkin, but you cant take the criminal out of the brain in the pumpkin” or whatever shit sir i love you

brOTP

engie baby!!!! i also really like spy & sniper bc im weak for shitty support relationships i think med just works really good w/ everyone really in some way

OTP

heavy baby!!!

nOTP

all of the mercs are fine (excluding the usual lol) but like cHeavymed people are freaks die

random headcanon

he has really poor eating & sleeping habits he almost relies on everyone else to keep him alive, he’s autistic & he’s jewish but not really practicing, he pulls & tugs on things when he’s stressed, he’s actually really smart medically he just doesn’t like showing it/messing w/ people (it makes some of the smarter mercs nervous lol), when he gets bored & has nothing to play with he digs for drama he loves to start unnecessary arguments that have no value whatssoever, he’s scared of dogs, he only trusts sniper & maybe heavy to handle his birds if he were to die, heavy & archimedes are like mega comfort objects(?) for him !!, he’s kinda really bad at showing he likes/cares for people, this goes especially hard on engie ):, he has a really big sweet tooth, he cant cook, he doesnt ever censor himself and can be pretty rude, he’s an open book and has no sense of integrity, he got super attached to heavy right off the bat for seemingly no reason and it was just super awkward lol, he gets distracted really easily and drops projects too often when he gets bored/forgets, his room is a mess he doesnt know how to do chores, he’s trans and hasnt done anything to medically transition but he handles everyone on team who is 

unpopular opinion

he’s not a fucking sociopath lol like he has a heart and cares he just has a hard time differentiating right from wrong and doesnt think things out i love you

song i associate with them

this is my emo music time i keep changing this but im gonna go It Was A Swift Not A Swallow - Crywank

favorite picture of them

i cant pick between these two he’s saving his fucking boyfriends life & also the 2nd he just looks so peaceful and :)

Scout

favorite thing about them

he’s a sweet boy!!! he just wants friends and he’s stuck with a bunch of middle aged men we have to love his endurance also he’s a little baby faced menace i love you

least favorite thing about them

in the canon i ignore lol.. too straight we cant have that

favorite line

all his lines talking about how the group of them are all best friends and stuff??? i love that

brOTP

sniper !!!! also spy also everyone

OTP

no one really lol pyro is like. the only one im comfy w/

nOTP

sniper lol if we’re talking popular things & all the rest of the mercs really

random headcanon

he’s a super sweet boy who loves everyone on the team, he warmed up the fastest out of all of them and became super attached!!, he really wants a base dog, he really likes to spend time with everyone and listen to them talk like he loves sitting with engie and having him explain nerdy engineering nonsense that he’ll never get but he tries to but its just fun seeing how excited the other person is!!!, he became super close to sniper right off the bat for some reason which is weird bc scout can talk forever and sniper doesn’t know how to hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes but they like hanging out even if it gets tiring, he lives off of sugary drinks medic keeps telling him to stop, he loves to hang out w/ spy and they get on each others nerves but really enjoy it at the end of the day, he has little to no sense of boundaries, he loves to give hugs!!, he really tries to engage with everyone’s interests like i said he just loves making/seeing other people happy, he loves being part of big groups it always just feels like a big family to him

unpopular opinion

he gay :)

song i associate with them

the calculation - regina spektor

favorite picture of them

trans rights!!!

Soldier

favorite thing about them

he is a sweetheart he is my big stupid husband and we both love raccoons =.=

least favorite thing about them

the patriotism……  we arent having that

favorite line

he’s literally so fucking funny especially all his things w/ merasmus and just. everything

brOTP

excluding demo uh !!! SPY!!!! :D

OTP

demo :)

nOTP

engie x.x

random headcanon

he’s super sweet !!! he loves his friends so much, he loves to show off his raccoons to everyone :), he bonds w/ sniper over wildlife(raccoons), everyone has a lot of patience w/ him bc he struggles to communicate things a lot and kinda needs his time to get points across, he’s actually really observant and it would be really good if he just didnt jump to wild conclusions based off of it all the time, he’s really conscious of his actions and how they affect others like he’s kinda violent impulsively but hes taken note of who is and isnt okay with it or who’s okay w/ him saying what in front of them, he’s really protective of his friends!!! he knows theyre capable but he loves looking out for them, he loves to drag them off on fitness expeditions/training but he tires out before a good number of them/gets bored, he wakes up the earlies he loves the mornings, he can cook but nobody knows it, like scout he loves to indulge in what other people like but he’s more handson he loves to screw in screws for engie or hand medic tools or read out loud to spy or heavy or show sniper things he catches/turn over rocks with him, he loves medics birds but doc wont let him touch them ):, he wants to get a base dog too, he has no volume or tone control, probably the best hugger, he’s kinda shy about personal things like himself in general or being trans & liking guys he’s actually pretty decent at keeping personal things to himself not that he wouldnt share it just feels weird, 

unpopular opinion

he’s not just like shouty mean stupid man,,, he’s actually really sweet 

song i associate with them

rejoice- AJJ 

favorite picture of them

i have worse naked honey pics but this is fucking it lads gay rights

[imfartooobsessedwithkpop]

What if things dont get better? Im a pussy, i hate pain i hate it, i want to die peacefully.

The first time i overdosed and was in hospital, it was so peaceful, i very almost died, no pain, passed out before the ambulance go to my house. It was bliss

So this time i thought itd be the same only this time it would work. I took more pills than last time and combined more meds so surely? But no, i was in so much pain, i rang the ambulance myself and then text my parents. It hurt so bad, i was shivering but sweating, litteral drips, nautious, thinking about it phycically makes my stomach hurt.

Im too scared to attempt again to be honest, i cant do anything i know will hurt becaise im 90% sure i wont carry it out. Carbon monoxide poisoning would be my best bet, i dont own a car and dont want to kill my family so i cant.

But im stuck like this forever, all my mental illnesses my trauma, pain, mood swings, effecting others with my actions will continue.

I dont want to live like that. College is over. From the age of 12 i dodnt expect to live past 14

Then 16

Then 18

But now im 18. I have no plan, no idea what im doing. I just exist. I had no back up plans, and didnt try all my life because i didnt expect to be here this long, what am i meant to do ill be stuck in a shitty job, which i wont be able to fucntion in right, severe memory loss, severe paranoia everytime im outside, what is the point in living? each attempt just left me with more guilt, it makes me think im just attention seeking, because if i really wanted to, i would yknow? But i cant, and i hate myself for it

Its gotten to the point where ive conviced myself i should do something crazy so the police will shoot me? Idk like rob a store and act fucking derranged, like it would be a quick death right? And i KNOW its so stupid. But what if i do get to that point?

I think some people just arent meant to be here, and thats okay. This is just the wrong universe for me

Why should i have to live with all the effects of what everyones done to me

I take jokes the wrong way and lash out at people because of my trauma, i cant eat, eat too much, i cut, but its never deeo enough, i take drugs but not enough for it to be an issue, its not like im doing heroin. Sever anger issues to the point i trash my room because that all i can do, im so sensitive and feel like people have to walk on eggsells around me, everything i do or say, the slightest movement, im doing wrong or annoying people. I need constant validation from everyone and thats exausting not only for me, but for all of my friends and family.

I hate myself so much and i dont know what to do.

Im exploding inside :(

[isekaisyouwithmyforearmlaser]

everyone i know feels like an aqquaintance and not anybody of severe importance. i feel very disconnected from everyone and i think its almost for the better as its either this or im extremely codependent. maybe its best that im by myself if i cannot be anything but overbearing borderline detrimental to others. im not tryign to say this from a ooohhh poor me stand point because i dont think that. objectively if im this negative and in this negative of a place it doesnt make sense to displace that negativity onto others as that isnt going to help. and these issues i have are ""too much"" to just simply talk to my family or my friends about because everytime i try to i get a door slammed in my face or a big ignore (which tbh is all fair like. how do you respond to this. you cant. this is nonsensical). and its not like every now and again i get a little sad :(. its a constant thing i wake up feeling. and im not myself on meds im just the snipped out little pieces people like and find bearable. maybe i dont want to be bearable or palatable if it means i just go numb. i cant bear the fact not even my own mother cares or my own father cares unless im pliable and medicated. and people who think they care who say they are your friends are so quick to turn, and i cant hold them accountable because they arent my blood. they ask me to be more open and so i am and then im just a burden. but it doesnt matter because i dont hold anyone accountable, even if sometimes its overkill, because when i try to get help it all comes back and punches me in the face. i need to go inward to heal rather than let it out on everyone around me. all my friends treat me like im a time bomb that will kill itself at one wrong word so theyre too scared to say anything to me. im too busy trying to help my mother and my whole family work through ttheir trauma to even think about asking them for help, and god knows they cant help me theyre all so fucked i mean theyre the source. the only time i told anyone i straight up wanted to kill myself she just ignored me but kissed my one my head later and i think that made so much more sense. you cant say anything but she was the only person i knew who genuinely cared and that scared me so much because i knew she wouldnt love me the same way i loved her and so i left. and that was the only ounce of comfort ive found in my life. im being so genuine. i dont care about anyone currently and i cant bring myself to anymore. vincent van gogh was so right. there is no end to human suffering . anyways wheni ge tinto the beta for ovw 2 i will be like wow!!!! winton!!!

[nightseeye]

Warning! Bigass vent below the cut. Check the tags for warnings

Good grief i just. Whew. I feel like shit, honestly. Idk if im depressed or if its just the adhd or BOTH but like. Wow. Last few weeks have been ROUGH

Havent rlly been going to class (i want to but its so hard to move, get dressed and out of bed. Last week i didnt go to any classes at all bc i couldnt find my deodorant("find" meaning my deodorant not being in the normal spot, despite me knowing almost exactly where it was). And im ngl i feel really pathetic about that? Like. Who even lets that stop them. Literally who just. Sits there. Knowing where it is. But not doing anything about it??? Horrid. Not only that but ive been lying to my ma about it and i feel. Really bad. But not bad enough to keep from doing it, the imagined dissapointment is worse)

Barely eating at times (even on days i don't take my meds, and honestly im scared as shit to find myself walking down that road, even if its incidental. I want to like food (i miss liking food all the time, i want to eat) but sometimes its so hard to eat nowadays, when the easiest thing i can get myself to eat is rice and saltines. Like. Other foods are good but they arent Easy. And now that ive run outta rice, well. Ive been going to bed hungry rather often, and i dont even do anything about it. Be so much easier if i did. Shoulda coulda woulda)

Ive been trying to keep up something of a normal sleeping schedule, but i only slept 2½ hours this morning and honestly? I feel. Better for it. Im tired but like. Im doing stuff? What the Fuck. Not sure that this is how stuff should work. Being tired but more awake for that tiredness. Its probably the mania talking

Maybe i should try turning nocturnal or smthn, idk. Say "fuck you" to normal sleeping hours or whatever. Id probably get all sorts of fucked up from the lack of sunlight if i do that tho, haha.

And thats not even mentioning my on its way to fuck town spine, or literally everytging else thats happening in the world! What the fuck! What the fuck!!!!! Bro it really feels like im trying so hard, while not trying to do anything at all, and it sucks. This shits fucked and i hate it

/sigh

I need to reach out for help.

I mean, Imma do it, but damn sometimes that shit is just hard. Hard to ask, hard to remember to ask, hard to feel like i should.

That im allowed, that this isnt some ~trivial~ thing and people will support me.

But I'll do it. Thank fuck im slowly getting better at it, but it doesnt mean that shit still ain't hard

[toutorii]

Various Honoka HCS

Cause Im self indulgent 😌

⁃ So when Noka was a baby, neither her dad, Shirou or Daiki knew what the hell to do with her wings.

⁃ Her first word was "Daiai" which was exposed to be "Daiki"

⁃ Daiki would call Noka "baby bird" and mo one will tell me otherwise

⁃ He also called Shirou "buddy"

⁃ She would fly around and their dad would make Shirou chase her down. Cause by this point, Daiki had already “joined” AfO.

⁃ When Shirou and Noka were taken in by their uncle, he just slept and let her do whatever.

⁃ Their uncle, also known as Eraserhead, was a very kind guardian

⁃ He went to each of Shirou's ballet concerts, and did Noka's hair for picture day

⁃ If you looked through his search history it would be filled with "how to do a braid for beginners"

⁃ Aizawa bought Noka various art supplies and bought Shirou new shoes whenever they needed them

⁃ He also worried for his nephew, who went missing right before Noka and Shirou ended up in his custody

⁃ Didnt want Noka or Shirou to become heroes

⁃ Cause he didnt want to see the two children he practically raised to be hurt

⁃ But because of their ties to All for One, the government forced both of them to become heros to "prove" that they had severed their bonds with All for One

⁃ Shirou's dream was to become a professional dancer and Noka's was to become a professional artist

⁃ And Aizawa was not happy that the two lights in his life were torn from their dreams

⁃ And so Shirou got accepted into the hero program, in class 1-A

⁃ He chose the hero name Shifter

⁃ Cause he could shift into any organic form

⁃ When he got 3rd place at the sports festival, Noka ran around her uncle's apartment screaming with joy

⁃ Noka is literally his biggest fan

⁃ Noka's first friend was a small purple haired boy name Hitoshi Shinsou

⁃ So naturally, she called him Toshi

⁃ And she refused to call him anything else all throughout middle and high school

⁃ Shinsou and Noka have sleepovers all the time and you can't tell me otherwise

⁃ When people would tell Shinsou that his quirk was villainous, Noka would always speak up cause she knew Shinsou wouldnt contradict them

⁃ Noka is always like that

⁃ Speaking up for others and herself. And her smart mouth tends to get her in trouble

⁃ Shinsou would fuss over Noka's wings. Like if they were dirty or a few feathers were out of place, Shinsou would sit her down and fix her wings.

⁃ "Toshi, your inner mom is showing"

⁃ "Its not my fault you cant take proper care of your wings"

⁃ When she told Shinsou about her acceptance into U.A's med course, he couldn't have been prouder

⁃ Noka is actually the one who encouraged Shinsou to train with her uncle.

⁃ But before that lets talk about Noka's time at U.A. so far

⁃ She was first introduced to class 1-A during the first combat training

⁃ Healed everyone who got very minor injuries

⁃ At the USJ attack, Shigiraki deteriorated part of Noka's hip. But her extremely enhanced natural healing abilities stopped the deterioration

⁃ So she has this big ass scar on the back side of her left hip

⁃ She wanted to absolutely murder Shigiraki for letting the Nomu loose on her uncle

⁃ But she doesnt have any damaging fire power

⁃ So she just tried to heal her uncle's wounds the best she could

⁃ Nearly gets herself killed many times with her smart assery

⁃ And gives everyone around her a heart attack in the process

⁃ During the sports festival, she helped RG heal all the students

⁃ Reprimanded Deku for overusing OfA

⁃ Oh yeah, she learned about AfO and OfA from her time with All for One (A/N: please dont kill me im trying to not make her too op 😭😭)

⁃ Is kind of like to Deku like Recovery Girl is to All Might

⁃ So fast foward to the internships

⁃ She interns with another oc of mine, Snow

⁃ Who is a healer but with incredible attack powers

⁃ Coincidentally, Noka was patrolling Hosu when the nomus hit

⁃ She recieved Deku's distress signal and ran to the scene

⁃ She didnt attack the hero killer, but ran to help Native and made sure he didnt bleed out

⁃ The hero killer didnt bat a single eye at her, deeming her not a threat

⁃ In the end, she didnt harm Stain so her hero guardian? didnt have to take any blame for her actions

⁃ Noka however did get nearly ripped in half by a nomu, so she had to stay in the hospital with Todo and Deku

⁃ So— Summer training arc

⁃ She just looked at her class and said "fuck this" and flew over the whole forest

⁃ She actually beat the wild wild pussycats back to the camp

⁃ She got to know Kota, telling him how she never wanted to become a hero

⁃ Kota may or may not have developed a kiddie crush on her 😳

⁃ But anyways, when everyone else saw her all nice and refreshed, needless to say they were upset

⁃ Some more than others

⁃ *remembers Bakugou nearly blowing off Noka's face because she cheated*

⁃ Aizawa just smirking at his niece cause shes so much like her mother

⁃ "DAMMIT TAKAHASHI. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE YOU CHEATER"

⁃ "They said to use our quirks. Its not my fault your quirk is too grounded"

⁃ "WHAT— YOU WANNA FIGHT—"

⁃ "No I wanna eat, goodbye—"

⁃ Focuses on her attack and the healing capabilities of her quirk

⁃ Let me set the scene

⁃ At the beginning of UA, our Noka could barely heal up a small cut

⁃ But now, she can close up major wound with little to no effort

⁃ P r o g r e s s people

⁃ N e ways

⁃ So when they do the haunted quirk thingy

⁃ Hairi and Noka are paired up, to their delight

⁃ But they aren't able to go into the forest before the attack happens

⁃ Apparently, the league came for Bakugou and Noka

⁃ Cause the "master" wanted his first nomu to return to him

⁃ But all Deku knew was "they are after Kacchan and the master's first Nomu"

⁃ Nobody knew who the first nomu was except for Noka

⁃ See, AfO took and gave Noka various quirks, eventually ending up with her current quirk(s)

⁃ He did this to Shirou and Daiki as well

⁃ But Shirou's body wasnt able to handle as many quirks, so AfO discarded him

⁃ Daiki was not aware that Noka was a target, Shigiraki knew he would object and purposely left him out of the loop

⁃ Eventually, Noka is cornered by Dabi

⁃ His fire power vastly out matches hers

⁃ But she puts up one hell of a fight

⁃ And Kurogiri took her before she woke up and fought back even more

⁃ So everyone was panicking when they couldnt find Noka

⁃ Aizawa was panicking them most

⁃ His precious niece was missing, no, taken by the league

⁃ The students had never seen their teacher so frazzled

⁃ The thing that broke Aizawa more was the look on Shirou's face when he told him that his baby sister was missing

⁃ His precious baby sister

⁃ His whole world

⁃ Shirou didnt go out of his room for days

⁃ He was there when they were to save Bakugou and Noka

⁃ All Might fought AfO, and won

⁃ But there was no sign of Noka

⁃ Shirou nearly tackled Bakugou, demanding, no, more like pleading for him to tell him where she was

⁃ Bakugou merely said "She's gone, and I dont know where she went"

⁃ The whole class was in a panic

⁃ Where was Noka? Was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she in danger?

⁃ And the question that hung on everyone's mind the most was

⁃ Is she alive?

⁃ The emptiness of Noka's desk was deafening

⁃ Their smart ass classmate was nowhere to be found

⁃ And they all felt guilty

⁃ But none more than Bakugou

⁃ For he was the last to see her alive so to speak

⁃ And her last words to him were "Forget about me ya big oaf, you hear me? I don't want you sulking, or I'll personally beat your ass."

⁃ Forget about her? How could he do that?

⁃ Noka was the only person who didn't put up with his bullshit

⁃ From day one she put him in his place

⁃ And honestly shes the closest thing to a sister he has

⁃ During the hero license exam, all of class 1-A decided that Noka would be really upset if they all sulked and failed their exams

⁃ But the fact that only Todoroki and Bakugou failed would make her fall into hysterics

⁃ When class 1-A met the big three, Mirio told them that Noka was strong and stubborn to a fault, so they shouldnt worry about things that arent in their control

⁃ To which they asked how he knew her

⁃ Apparently Shirou, Amajiki, and Mirio have all been friends since elementary school

⁃ So Amajiki and Mirio had been there a lot for many crucial parts of Noka's childhood

⁃ When the work studies started, Deku went on patrol with Mirio and Shirou, AKA Lemillion and Shifter

⁃ Shirou couldnt help but feel so much guilt crushing him when Eri jumped out of Deku's arms

⁃ Cause Eri reminded him of his little sister

⁃ Speaking of little sister

⁃ She refused to return to the league, so Shigiraki sold her to giran, who then took her to Overhaul

⁃ For the last 2 months, Noka had been experimented on by Kai Chisaki

⁃ In the mean time trying to protect Eri and building a loving friendship with the young girl

⁃ Ill talk about this another time

⁃ So skipping to when they save her

⁃ It was a total shock for them

⁃ To see this wingless, pale, frail, bandage wrapped girl

⁃ And even more so when she spoke

⁃ Not having that bite that their Noka had

⁃ But a softer, more broken voice replaced her normally boisterous and confident voice

⁃ In the big battle agains Chisaki, Noka got slammed against a wall

⁃ Which in normal circumstances would be fine, but with her body in such a week state it immediately cracked her ribs and spine

⁃ Ochako helped get her friend to the ambulance as quick as she could

⁃ Shirou saw a fluff of pale pink hair out of the corner of his eye

⁃ He immediately turned to run towards the medical stretcher, but was stopped

⁃ He kicked and screamed something along the lines of "THATS MY BABY SISTER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER"

⁃ In the most broken voice you would ever hear

⁃ In the hospital, after Sir. Nighteye had passed, Deku, Kirishima, Amajiki, Shirou, Ochako, Tsu and Aizawa were all waiting anxiously for Noka's surgery

⁃ When all of a sudden the door explodes open and the nurses and doctors are shoved out by an invisible force of heat

⁃ Noka was using her ability to set herself aflame and be healed in the ashes

⁃ But no one knew wtf was going on cause she learned the trick at the Hassaiki hideout

⁃ So p a n i k

⁃ But after the doctors confirmed her stablility, they all went back to school

⁃ The whole class bursted into tears when they told them about Noka

⁃ Jirou, Kaminari, Momo and Mina all being the most emotionally impacted

⁃ Bakugou was almost crying witb relief but he disnt show jt

⁃ They weren't allowed to see Noka for a whole month

⁃ Only family were allowed

⁃ She was hard at work recovering and going through therapy and they didnt want to disturb her

⁃ But when they (Kirishima, Deku, Ochako, and Tsu) did visit, they were shocked

⁃ There was this soft spoken, trembling, woman, and this was after a month of intense therapy

⁃ They hadnt event started physcial therapy yet, they wanted to get her tk the point she could be around others without going into a panic mode

⁃ But what really shocked them was how her wings hadnt grown back.

⁃ They were then told that they would never grow back, since the bone in them were completely ripped out.

⁃ Thus she needs a wheelchair while she recovers

⁃ Daiki sometimes visits her during the night

⁃ He apologizes to her over and over again for not being there when she was taken

⁃ But also to apologize for abandoning her and Shirou

⁃ She just cupped his wet cheek and said

⁃ "Daiki, I know you had a damn good reason to do what you did. Also you're my big brother. I dont care if you work for All for One, youre still my brother. And you'll always have a home with us. Shouta Shirou and I will welcome you back with open arms."

⁃ Needless to say Daiki just bursted into more tears

⁃ Anyways—

⁃ By the time the school festival comes around, Noka still needs a wheelchair, and isnt the strongest mentally, but she has made tremendous progress.

⁃ After the 1-A concert, Eri sat on Noka's lap the whole time. Except during the beauty pageant, in which Deku held Eri, and Mirio held Noka (cause shes a smol baby)

⁃ Noka was in charge of tesching Eri the basics while she recovered, since the young girl felt most comfortable with her

⁃ When the dual training session came around, Noka still couldnt do much moving around without draining her energy quickly. So she stuck with enhancing her quirk while she built up her physical strength.

⁃ Meaning she healed any and all injuries after the matches were concluded

⁃ Monoma made the mistake of saying something about her not making any progress, and Bakugou was t h i s close to murdering him 😌

⁃ Ever since Noka got back from the hospital, Bakugou has been v e r y protective of his honourary sister—

⁃ But Kendou smacked the blonde before Bakugou could do anything

⁃ Shinsou would totally go like "Noka are you okay? Are you sure you should be out here? How are you feeling? Do you feel sick?"

⁃ Cause Shinsou is a mom

Anyways I have a bunch more hcs but i dont wanna completely bore you. But I was thinking of doing this for Daiki Shirou and Noka as children. Or maybe for Phoebe 😳😳😳　

Comment or send an ask if i should

[starvedfortime]

for people who are asking me for tips and tricks for apex, I have a few that I've learned along the way of my one year almost two year process of playing Apex

use shield cells before syringes

don't be afraid to use ammo (if you have lots of it)

if your teammate is down and you're in a team fight, do not worry about them, you can pick them up later! (unless you're lifeline)

the same goes if they go down all the way, grab their banner later

grab lots and lots of shield cells compared to syringes (I usually do two shield batteries 8 shield cells four syringes two med kits, although some people like to go almost all shield batteries and shield cells)

if it's first and second-round, it's okay to stay in the ring to loot boxes, it won't damage you as much as third or fourth or so on and so on(I used to be really scared of the ring)

if you're getting shot, slide and zig zag a lot and take cover (even if it's a small rock)

if you have an auto gun don't go for purple scopes!!!(unless its digital threat or you wanna use single fire)

r301 and flatline have both auto and single fire without hop up

play around with the guns in the firing range!! see what setup fits your playing style or tactic that you're going for, for that match. (not that it matters anymore in season 6)

me personally I like to go for either r-301/prowler, r-99/prowler, flatline/prowler, double prowler/r-99/r-301, prowler/hemlok. i could go on but if you can't tell already my favorite gun is the prowler(this was before season six)

go in the firing range and learn how each gun recoil works (example: r99 while aiming recoils up and to the right, so aim down and left)

don't loot in one area for most of the round, hop through different areas

if you're looting a box, just skim through it for what you need (syringes, add-ons like mags or stocks, ammo) unless you know for sure no one is around

don't play one character for too long, youll be stranded if you have no back up

once you get comfortable and know the basics of one character, try to practice another (Im comfortable playing Wattson, Loba, Octane Lifeline and kind of bloodhound, so now I am practicing Mirage)

you may not think of it, but choose skins that blend in with the map. like beige or green or white. or even black! (just an option tho)

there's no such thing as over using your abilities, unless it gives out your position.*cough* gibby *cough* bangalore *cough*

so don't be afraid to use bloodhounds scanner a lot. or lobas jumpdrive or wraiths phasing or mirage decoy or octane stim...you get the point

for the love of God if you are playing lifeline, heal your teammates!!! don't let your teammate revive your other teammate. you do it, thats kind of why lifeline was made

speaking of lifeline, if you see her reviving someone, shoot her, not the person who is getting revived. (you can easily kill them because they will have low health when they are up)

when you're up against an enemy, and you have to reload, DON'T

sounds kind of weird saying it, but if you have another auto gun switch guns. you really don't want to be caught while reloading when you can easily just switch to another gun.

try getting guns that arent the same as your teamamtes that way you dont run out of ammo.

just suggesting

if your style is more campy, try getting an auto paired with a sniper or if you still want double auto, get an auto of your choice and then either a flat line or r301 with purple scope (as i said above, you can switch from single to auto with those two)

every ammo type has different effects. better understanding of what I mean; this video explains it (very old, so not sure if its still the accurate)

if someones being toxic, mute them. some people say it doesnt bother them but it can still ruin the whole mood. you want to be excited and happy to play not angry or upset.

imma be a basic bitch here, but be positive. i sound so cliche saying it, but when im positive or have teammates hyping me up i do SO much better

ping loot for your teamates, know what they have. that way when you get in a fight theyll be just as prepared. its not fun when you or another teamate gets down because one person has white shields while someone has purple

if you don't use grenades that much or feel like you should be using more grenades and you play on ps4, set your settings to grenadier (im sure its the same for xbox but im not sure)

dont. ever. grab. a Mozambique. unless you're like some god or whatever just dont. as of now, Mozambique is THE worst gun ever. if you have no other choice grab it but if you find aNYthing else, switch it. heck, a p2020 is better

please dont destroy lobas black market unless everyone has gotten something. I've had so many people hit my black market and i haven't even grabbed anything nor has my other teammate. let the lobas destroy it.

tips for certain gear

give gibby and lifelines the golden backpack, they can revive faster and better with it

if there is a lifeline, give her the golden knockdown she can help revive downed teamates

the golden helmet shortens the cooldown on lengends tactical

prioritize giving wattson and caustic the golden helmet, more traps the better

prioritize giving the golden helmet to bloodhound, rev, crypto, gibby, rampart and lifeline if you wanna push

giving the golden helmet to characters like loba, path, wraith, bangalore, octane, and mirage are more for escaping

using finishers gets all your shields back

tips for each legends (from my experience)

wattson:

place fences behind doors if you are in a building

if you find an accelerator, use it right away unless you already have your ultimate

she will get full ultimate with an accelerator

if you start to get in the fight, immediately put down your ultimate

make sure you have backup accelerators(alteast two or more)

place your fences in zigzags if you are camping

if you do that the enemies have no choice but to walk through or go away (unless you don't have your ultimate down, then they can just throw grenades and destroy them)

grenades and any incoming artillery will be destroyed if you have your ultimate down

no matter what kind of building you're in, always put down fences

if you're playing her or have her on your team and you get hurt and have no shields and barely any health, make sure the ultimate is down and heal yourself first before using shields

healing yourself first is more efficient than using shields first since her ultimate heals shields, you can hit two birds with one stone (unless you have a phoenix kit)

have the habit of placing fences down fast, it does not matter if its precise

if youve just put down fences and decide to go somewhere else, you can pick them up so you don't have to wait for them to come back

place fences at the end of the portal, like caustic↓

lifeline:

if you're the only one low on health, do not use your drone, use syringes

I see a lot of lifeline players do this but they never put down D.O.C and i don't understand why

always put down your drone if your team is low on health or in a fight or reviving, if you're just looting and running around, don't put it down you never know when somethings gonna happen

you can use lifelines ultimate to trick people (the care package has a beam and when it opens it goes away so you can tell if someone is nearby if you see the care package light go away)

you can use the care package as a way of cover from bullets

open up the blue bins!!!!!!

loba:

you can use her jump drive to get into windows and tight spots

you can't run while doing jump drive though

her ultimate has a long range so go to places like the cities or the cage to get the most out of her ultimate

there's really no point if you put it in a small tiny place where you can easily loot everything within like 30 seconds

like lifeline she can use her ultimate as a way to block bullets, but it can be destroyed

use accelerators

octane:

I know his whole point is being fast but do not go so far ahead of your team(you can easily run into it an enemy squad or have your teammates left behind)

you don't need as many syringes as you would with any other character, he can heal but very slowly.

if you don't have a wattson or a caustic you can place the jump pad in front of the door and they can't get it in

unlike caustic or wattson, his jump pad never goes away so you can make as many jump pads as you want

if you are octane or have an octane on your team and you're down, you can use the jump pad to get away

caustic:

placing his traps next to the doors is perfectly fine but it's best to place them right in front of the door(like right where the door and wall meet)

just like wattson, he can pick up his traps

if you're playing with a wraith, always put down a trap at the end of her portal (that way if enemies follow you, they'll get gassed)

if you're camping in a building and enemies are trying to get in but they know you have the gas traps laying down, you can shoot them to release the gas

at the bottom of his traps there's a little green light that you can shoot that will destroy them (you don't have to hit exactly there but make sure you hit the bottom) you can only do this to enemy caustics

bloodhound:

if you hear any sort of noise, no matter how loud it is, and you know its not your teammates, use your scan

you can see footsteps but your teammates can't, ping them but dont spam

you have to time the ultimate right or else you'll just get shot down

using the ult has an animation, so enemies can shoot you during that moment

you can scan and see who the real mirage is by seeing if they have a triangle in the middle of their chest. the fake ones won't have it

gibraltar:

if you don't have a lifeline throw down your dome and it will revive teammates faster(along with shields and heals)

i honestly dont ever play gibby, like at all. along with bangalore.

banagalore:

she kinda useless

i love her but, my god

shes so boring 😭 i feel so bad

not much to her really

she can run fast when she gets shot

she REALLY needs a change or huge buff

wraith:

she really good if shes paired with a wattson or caustic or revenant

use her portal to get away from the zone or to bait enemies into the zone

if you ever hear her voice warning you, immediately warn your teamates

pathfinder:

use his zipline to get out of situations

get up on higher ground with his grapple or zipline

use the map beacons to see where your next ring is, that way you can see where you can loot before the ring closes in

you can grapple enemies, ziplines and cryptos drone

mirage:

the next best person to revive someone is mirage, he goes invisible when respawning and reviving teammates

send a decoy and go the other way

use decoys to see where the enemies are if you don't have a bloodhound or a crypto

crypto:

don't stay in drone mode for too long that's when you're the most vulnerable

don't take forever trying to scope out the area that your team is in

just see what's around you and logout of your drone

the best way to use his drone (in my opinion) is to scout the area and then go up high and look down in a birdseye view so you can see almost everything around you

his drone EMP can remove 50 shields, traps, and slow down enemies

if you're going to use your drone, stand in a corner or behind something so you don't get caught

revenant:

take advantage of his wall climb and get on higher ground

don't throw his tactical right at the person. if they are running throw it in front or behind them

use his tactical as traps, meaning; if there's only two doors throw one at each door

put his totem somewhere safe, enemies can shoot at it

that's all I really have on the legends. I'm starting to play different characters other than lifeline, wattson, loba, octane and bloodhound. if you have any more tips for each legend go ahead and tell me and ill add it here

[unicornninjabitch]

You: no one asked for another one of these

Me: yeah i know sorry i just have a lot of emotions and shit lately

(Haha thats a lie all i feel lately is annoyed and pain)

Anyway yes I’m going to complain more about life cause i have some emotions i need to get out and shit. Okay I’m very much a night owl, I have been my whole life, I work better t night and just love the night sky and shit. However 8th grade I was really, super, hella depressed cause of family stuff and school and being totally alone and you know the depression (thanks genes!), so I’d be absolutely TERRIFIED to be left alone with my thoughts. I’d stay up all night on youtube or some cringey website or on tumblr just so I didn’t have to lay in bed and think. Also very closeted, very depressed baby Alex had no idea wtf a healthy coping mechanism was, so I cut and it was bad like an every night thing cause after I did I was suddenly really tired and could almost sleep instantly once it hit like 2-3 am. Anyway I fucked my sleeping schedule up at a very young age, so that habit never left and the earliest I go to bed anymore is 12-12:30, whatever im used to it, not good for me but whatever. Then summer started and I didn’t sleep till like 1am-2am so I chalked it up to “it’s summer whatever”, but then it was 2 am-3am and I thought that was a one time thing, but nope. Now (as in the past week/week and a half ish) I’m lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep and even then I’m up at like 9 am. As you can imagine this has lead to a good amount of problems, but first one additional thing. Now it’s just me and my mom at our house, but because of hour cuts and paying for school and catching up on bills and other shit we don’t really have a ton of money which means we don’t have a ton of food which means what we have we have to make last. With that being said back track to me getting 2-3 hours of sleep, now my body’s tired and I’m exhausted I just wont go to fucking sleep, but I’m hungry as hell. We didn’t have cereal and milk for awhile, so that left me with pasta like I said I’m exhausted so pasta involves cooking, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d be too tired half way through the water boiling to finish let alone eat anything. Also cause we don’t have a ton of money I’d get 2 free meals a day in school so I wouldn’t go a whole day (or week) without eating real food (i mean it was gross government food but it got the job done), but in summer I didn’t get that so I just havent eaten really all summer like i could probably count on my hands how many actual meals ive eaten all summer. So the not eating mixed with the not sleepings fucking awful as you can imagine.I had a headache so bad I had to close my curtains put on sunglasses cover my head with a blanket and put my ice on my head in an attempt to help ease the pain, but WAIT THERES MORE. Every bone in my body constantly feels like it needs to crack and im just constantly really achey (idk if that has to do anything but it hurts like hell) Ive tried stretching and resting but it doesnt help, BUT THERES EVEN MORE!! The not eating!! I can feel my stomach being totally empty besides some water and that shit fucking hurts (idk how baby Alex did that shit) AND A FINAL THING your boy was born with god awful child bearing parts and guess what came up?! That’s right devil week so i feel like someones just stabbing me with a pitchfork while also trying to eject food thats not there. Therefore the past few nights Ive basically been clutching my stomach and head, the heating pad isnt helping, and pain killers arent helping much.

At this point youre probably like “dude just some nyquil” which yeah youre right i should but we didnt have extra money this week to buy any and we dont have any so thats why i didnt do that. Also like I said before I /am/ tired, im really fucking tired and i dont really have thoughts its more like fast and loud static and like energy i have to get out or i get uncomfortable, so the past few nights (last night was really bad) Im up clutching and rocking and snapping and tapping my feet just trying to get rid of that energy. It comes a little bit in the day i was talking to a friend and typing so fucking fast while also thinking about some oc idea and then BAM no energy at fucking all like i had to lay down. This also leads into ive been trying to read out loud to myself so i can try to get my voice lower cause my voice bothers the hell out of me, but i cant focus for longer than like 5 minutes cause of loud static and extra energy and being tired and my eyes being tired so its really frustrating.

The thing is i go to a psychiatrist for my meds and what she told me (idk if this is true everywhere or just how she is) that i had like textbook bipolar but becaue at the time i was ike 14/15 they didnt want to diagnose it cause i was still young. Bipolar runs in my family, just like depression and anxiety, so i wasnt super suprised by that and as i got older i got less scared (theres nothing scary about people with bipolar btw i just didnt know what to expect or think cause of how i saw it in like movies and stuff) i thought maybe i wasnt and i just had highs and lows like everyone else, but looking back i can see that the highs and lows were really extreme and like i said before i was super suicidal last year and just kinda gave up and earlier this summer it took a lot of energy to do anything, but this isnt like doing reckless things kinda high like it normally is and it fucking suck ass guys. On top of that my ever so supporting lately mother was like “look up manic episodes” so i told her i know what it is but she just pushed to look it up so i did and of course i made a joke about increased sexual activity (which my virgin is not) and looked like yes i know. (side note dw too much im going to the doctors tomorrow and im gonna see what i can do about my meds and stuff).

So yeah sorry for another shitty life update (not including tons of dysphoria, isolation, and more self hate but whatevs)