#im scared of being homeless and completely alone

[fairycosmos]

i don’t understand how people hold down jobs i don’t understand how people develop long term relationships and friendships i don’t understand how people casually cope with cruelty i don’t understand how people pursue their passions i don’t understand how people can afford anything

[schiavonaintherye]

Oliver! (1968) Live (re) watch!

i have already seen oliver!, but not in ages, so i decided to watch it again, enjoy

very long post warning

fuckin hell these opening credits are LONG

i love the fact instrumentals of songs in the movie are playing

i have chocolate popcorn, apple lucozade and oliver! on, life is good

yes i know mark lester is oliver ive seen this like 20 times can i watch the film now

OH ABOUT FUCKING TIME

god is love

IS IT WORTH THE WAITING FOR IF WE LIVE TILL 84 ALL WE EVER GET IS GRUELL

i forgot how much of a banger food glorious food is

LOOK AT BABY MARK LESTER 🥺🥺🥺

ads in middle of movie be like

its harry secombe!

AMENNNN

oliver gets bullied the movie

look at this poor kid

MOREE????????

oh yes oliver i love this song

O L I V E R

poor kid

without any bannister yikes

the one who named him........O-L-IV-ERRR

oh were outside now

olivers just been kicked out oh shit

but on the plus side he has a cute ass hat on

BOY FOR SAY AL

look at oliver 🥺 he deserves better

SOWERBERRY MORE LIKE SHITTERBERRY

theres a severe lack of thats your funeral and i shall scream

noah claypole more like noah clayprick

“perhaps... if i had a tall hat?” BABEY

HES GOT HIS TALL HAT ON YES OLIVER

oliver said dab on them haters from your old gaff youre a funeral advisor now and theyre still homeless

DONT INSULT HIS MUM FUCK YOU NOAH

YES OLIVER KILL HIM

yes stuff the nine year old in a coffin and sit on it well done

"OLIVAH ??" "Yes im here: ((("

ITS MEAT!

oliver deserves better man 

im gonna cry and were like 25 minutes in.

ik its not mark singing but whoever it is CAN SING WTF

i want to give him a hug

OH SHIT HES RUNNING AWAY

hes in the lettuce

LONDON YOU MADE IT !

yes oliver trains exist

DODGER!!!

whach you starin at aint ya ever seen a toff

the beak

look at lil jack wild

me more hintimate friends

cockney accent™️

the artful dodga

CONSIDERR YOURSSELF AT HOEME COSNIDER YOURSWLF OEN OF THE FAMILY !!!!!!!!!!

im sorry i love this song

look this scene is awesome, but it would be COMPLETE with charley oh wait he was demoted to extra and everything interesting abt him was given to dodger

he should have gotten the nobody tries to be ladeeda or uppity bit I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

this cast is BIG

okay i am a Charger Enthusiast but do we all agree there is something oddly homosexual about oliver and dodger in this song

note how dodger is scared of the police FORESHADOWING

ive taken to this SO STRONGITSCLEARWEREGOINGTOGETALONG

how many extras is this ???? yall better be gettin paid

its dodga comin up

this set is sraight out of the book i love it

CHARLEY MATE IM SORRY THEY MADE YOU AN EXTRA 

“oh not again” does dodger just always show up with random workhouse kids 

ah yes fagin the character whos still a negative jewish stereotype

more and more big cast

THESE SAUSAGES ARE MOULDY! (am i going to freak out whenever charley does anything because i love him? yes)

stfu drink your gin

is this a laundry?? no fam 

THE BEST FUCKING SONG IN THIS MUSICAL

IN THIS LIFE ONE THING COUNTS

sorry if i dont add to this until pick a pocket or two is done bc its a straight banger

this song is EVERYTHING 

hard at work lol ok

did he make those himself??? no

couple a wipes

EMBROIDERED THEM??? no

petition for all oliver twist adaptations to refer to charley as master bates like the book and for him to have actual lines and not have his actor switched at least three times

i dont even now who charley is at this point because his actor is switched many a time im just gonna say purple blazer kid is charley

anyway charley bates supremacy

whos bill sikes??? NO

fuck bill all my homies hate bill

rum tum tum is a banger

go bed now

take your hat off in bed dodger

movie fagin has rights

fagin leaving where will he go

BET IS THAT YOU

FUCK OFF BILL NO ONE LIKES YOU 

NANCY NANCY HES HERE !!!!!! bet deserves everything and more ily 💖

NANCYYYY!!!!!!

its a fine life more like its a banger

wheres all of bets lines gone

bet 🤝 charley (being demoted to extras)

its not funny anyore bet.. bet girl please sing youre the best fucking thing about this song

such a happy song about domestic abuse

THERE SHE IS THATS MY GIRL BET I FUCKING LOVE YOU

bullsye rights!

i hate how this movie made fagin more symathetic but he’s still a “greedy jew” stereotype

oliver?????

at this moment fagin knew he fucked up

nancy you deserve better than bill

oh hi dodger forgot you existed

and the rest of you except oliver

ah yes charley “sausages” bates i missed you

THESE FUCKING KIDS THEY ALL LOVE BET AND NANCY MY HEART

im a regular gent i am. no dodger you arent

why is “permit me to assist you across the road” so fucking funny

pov dodgers back on his bullshit so you have to pretend to be a horse and cart for him

not “sir artful” 😭😭😭

anyfink for youu

WHAT FISTICUFFS???!!!

i feel sorry for the child extras man theyve prob had to film this scene like ten times

THESE KIDS CAN SING

 the boys dancing with eachother is too fucking wholesome i love this

again, movie fagin rights

weed riissk lifee and limmbb

you promised we could go see the angin!!!!!

ats on boys time were off

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG

HOW COULD WE LET HOW COULD WE FORGET OUR DEAR OLD FAGIN WORRY!!

mate that aint single file did you not hear him

am i the only one who can hear london bridge is falling down in the back??

our pockets hold a watch of gold that chimes upon the hour!!! a wallet fat an old mans hat!!! the jewels from the tower!!!

WE KNOW THE NOSEY POLICEMEENNNN

dodger and charley (i am SURE charley is purple blazer kid even if havent seen this film in ages) are GETTING INTO THIS

oliver 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

movie fagin rights pt 27238227

DODGER OLIVER COME ON!!!!!!!!! alright dude chill

ARE YALL SEEING THIS SHIT, I WAS RIGHT, I TOLD YOU THAT THE LAD IN THE PURPLE BLAZER WHO SINGS “a wallet fat an old mans hat” WAS CHARLEY BATES AND GUESS WHAT HE FUCKING IS. I WAS RIGHT, PURPLE BLAZER KID IS CHARLEY YOU CAN LEAVE NOW

no dont were only an hour in

three kids on the back of the omnibus what will they do

dodger and charley said be gay do crimes

ah shit now look what youve gotten us into dodger

IT WASNT EVEN OLIVER IT WAS CHARLEY AND DODGER GO AFTER THEM

are dodger and charley straight up framing oliver for a crime they commited while also helping him escape

yes they are why are we surprised 

i hate to break it to you dodger but hiding oliver in a meat sack doesnt work

OLIVERS ON THE ROOF????

charley and dodger got oliver into this mess and they are not going to get him out

WHY DIDNT YOU LOOK AFTER HIM????? right calm down fagin

how could i help it :((((

no bill!

stan nancy

“two other boys stole it” no shit

BROWNLOW !

run bitch run

right intermission time now

AND WE’RE BACK!

entr acte

who will buyyy

strawberry girl is carrying this

oliver owns my heart pt 278983728938728

this is a banger wtf

okay its done now right

right?????

UHH BILL???? DODGER???? BITCH WHY TF ARE YOU HERE

have bill fagin nancy and the boys been stalking oliver???

NO SHE WONT FAGIN!

shit.

fuck bill

this scene is far more sadder when you think of how the boys have just seen the only woman they see as a mother figure been hit to the flo or, im not crying, you are

as long as he needs me :(

FUCK YOU BILL

rose maylie is that you?!

look at lil oliver!!

BILL FUCK OFF

i hate bill

“look at his togs! he’s got books too!” charley and dodger are my emotional support kids

anyway have i mentioned i hate bill, bc i hate bill.

I REALLY REALLY HATE BILL

even fagin aka the guy whos keeping these kids as pickpockets has more morals than bill

WE STAY CALM!!

no bill i havent heard a dying chicken

act one was just childish antics now we have THIS

fuck bill

YOURE TELLING ME THE BOYS WATCHED THAT????

jack wild is a banging actor. he genuinely looks terrified 🥺 

this film.. 

a mans got a heart hasnt he?? yes you do!!!

a full song dedicated to movie fagin rights?? did i ghostwrite this?? probably

banger

ithinkidbetterthinkitoutagain!

villains theives and nine year olds

MR BUMBLE?????!!!!!!!!!!

fuck bill pt72898376728909878199

bill youre traumatising him

cmon nance do something!!

also completely forgot abt this but uh does monks exist in this i forgot bc we have had no mentions of him yet

nancy tell him who bill is!!!

bullseye deserves better

uhm what is going on

bill sikes more like bill yikes

oliver what are you doing

BILL TERRIFIES ME

FUCK

omg oom pah pah????

leave oliver alone bill hes like nine

oh banger

OOM PAH PAH THATS HOW IT GOES!!!!!!!!!

just asking are nancy and bet lesbians bc they look it

COULD IT BE OOM PAH PAHHHHHH

god i love this song

IT SHOOOOOWSSSSSS

its the same oom pah pah

“She was from the country but now shes up a gumtree she let a fella feed her then lead her a long” foreshadowiinnggg

OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH!

nancy is so fucking smart

getting the whole pub singing and dancing to smuggle out oliver? clever

fuck

bill.. no.. bill.. bill????

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKC

BILL GET OFF HER

NANCY NO

HE STRAIGHT UP COMMIT MURDER AGAINST THE NICEST CHARACTER

BROWNLOW DO YOU NOT HEAR NOTHING

nancy deserved a better death than to be killed by bill fuck bill

EVEN BULLSEYE HATES YOU BILL

ARE THEY ACCUSING BULLSEYE OF MURDER

FUCK YOU BILL

movie fagin rights + fuck bill combo?

youre telling me fagin had an ESCAPE ROUTE??? AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HOUSE THING??? THE WHOLE TIME???

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD

BILL

fuck, well. #

“WHAT DO I DO!?” “LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME, DODGE ABOUT”

ten quid says dodgers been caught

oh no all fagins shit is gone

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD PT 2

FUCK YOU BILL

GOD I HATE HIM

OLIVER MATE ARE YOU OK

never have i been so happy to see a character die

rest in shit bill

hi dodger thought you got caught n went to australia 

god, this film is so fucking good.

reviewing the situation 2.0 goes hard

MOVIE. FAGIN. RIGHTS!

FAGIN YOU CAN BE A GOOD MAN YOU KNOW YOU CAN

DODGER??????????

IM TOTALLY NOT CRYING RN

FAGIN NO DONT TAKE IT

FUCKING PLOTTWIST

IT MADE IT LOOK LIKE FAGIN WAS GONNA GIVE THE WALLET BACK TO DODGER BUT NO

once the villain you’re the villain to the end

i completely forgot abt this scene since i’ve been reading the oliver twist book and in that dodger gets arrested and fagin gets hanged but here they get away?

god this is bittersweet

I THINK WE’D OUGHT TO THINK IT OUT AGAIN!!!!!

thats where the film should have ended, i get olivers the main character but it ending on dodger and fagin walking out into the sunset is such a pleasing ending man

oliver gets his happy ending abt time

YES CONSIDER YOURSELF AND BE BACK SOON (THE BIGGEST BANGERS IN THE FILM) CREDITS SONGS!!

well.. that was a journey and half

[vaskebjoern]

okay. okay. maybe I’ll vent here. maybe this is a good place to vent. I don’t know.

i have not. properly tried to express my emotions in a while. i don’t know how to anymore. genuinely. Every time I try I feel like I’m doing it wrong, and i hear the words I’m saying, or the thoughts I’m thinking and none of it is /right/. It doesn’t properly describe it. Or maybe it just feels like nobody ever really listens? Or that they listen, but they don’t understand, and i don’t know how else to describe it? It’s like no words carry any meaning anymore.

Or maybe it’s just that the words of comfort offered to me never do anything to ease my mind? 

I spend so so so much time in my head, and i don’t know how to get out. It feels like there's a poison in there leaking into the rest of my being, and my core, and my life. Keeping me from ACTUALLY being myself. These thoughts of who I am, and what I am, and what i should say, are so completely ingrained into my bones, I feel like I’m always just a puppet trying my best to put on a show, and I always feel like I’m sort of... faking it... 

Nothing about being a person ever feels like it comes naturally to me.

And it’s not even!!! that i don’t see people. or that i don’t have friends. I mean ok ok ok i have no family left in my life. That’s something i should maybe deal with, but how? and why? and uhm, hello, i don’t fucking WANT to? Have i not dealt with it enough? Why do i have to poke at those bruises if i want to feel better? Cant i just let them heal in peace? At least they’re not open and bleeding WOUNDS anymore. Isn’t that enough? I don’t want to think about it, or talk about, or even recognize it as a part of me anymore. I literally just want nothing to fucking do with it. I am so so sick of it, and what it’s done to me, and how unfair it is, and how it will affect my entire life, how it’s made me into this, into what i am now, and how there was nothing i could’ve ever done about that. 

I think i can pinpoint the exact moment it really broke down for me and i started to feel like this. Numb, and apathetic, and like everything is a performance, like im floating underwater and the world is up there above, blurry, and the sounds vague.  I feel like a ghost, i feel hollow, i feel like i have nothing left to fucking give, and it breaks my heart because i want to give the world so so much. And i feel like it’s the only way i’ll ever be loved, is if i give enough of myself away so that somebody notices. Whether what i give is art, or me being funny, or pretty, or smart, or witty, or charming or talented, but i don’t usually feel like i’m any of those. There are moments. But they’re always just moments. And in the end, I don’t have anything to give, that’s not already been given before, by somebody else, by somebody who could do it better. Nothing i do matters. Nothing i think matters, nothing i say matters.

And now that sounds awfully nihilistic, but hey, what if that’s a good thing! Nothing matters! Cool! I can do whatever i want!

But then why am i laying in bed for 6 hours, forcing myself to sleep, because i can’t stand being awake? Is this what i want? Is this all that i can give, since i’m not good enough to give anything else? Since i’m too SCARED to give anything else?

And yeah okay, the exact moment this happened. Right. This is a happy story. CW: Self harm, sexual assault, and suicidal thoughts

 I was living alone in my apartment, and i think i was 19. I was having a bad episode of whatever sort... I don’t know what it was, if it was an anxiety attack, or... Whatever it was, i had them a lot back then. And i’d cut into my arm, and there was blood on the walls, and i was crying and shaking, and i didn’t know who to talk to. I had already used my few friends far too much, and i knew they were tired of me, and my relationships felt fragile and precious, and i didn’t want to be a bother yet again. I had been assigned a mentor then, from the school i’d been going to, ever since they put me on sick leave from my actual education, an education i was only even taking to begin with so that i could have enough money to live, not that i wanted it or needed it. 

And this mentor always told me that i could call him anytime. He knew i was suicidal, and that i hurt myself, and that i was struggling with life, and he promised again and again that he’d be there for me should i ever needed him. So i called him!

And he didn’t pick up. 

And i called him again. And again. And he didn’t pick up.

Eventually i just... I was so tired that i fell asleep in bed, wounds still on my arms, blood still on the walls. So i woke up the next day like nothing happened, and cleaned it all. And he called me and said sorry, and gave some excuse i don’t even remember, and i said it was fine, and hung up. And i never trusted him again.

And that was three years ago... And i think it was just too much for me. It feels like i was in so much pain then, that i couldn’t handle it anymore, and everything in my just SHUT DOWN and i went on full auto-pilot mode. And i was just numb and broken. And then not long after, my neighbor at the time tried to sexually assault me.

I never really dealt with any of it. I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water.

So last year i was kicked out of the house i was living in, and i didn’t have anywhere to go, so i ended up somewhere called the “street team” and they introduced me to the place i’ve been living ever since, a homeless shelter for women. And in so so many ways it’s given me my life back, and i think that’s maybe where all this massive flood of overthinking is even coming from to begin with. Because i’m back on my feet for the most part, and i’ve been allowed to become a person again, and exit panic mode but now i don’t know how to. I don’t remember how to be a person. I still feel like such a hollow shell. 

And i am surrounded by love, but my mind still feels like poison. And i relapse. And i don’t know how to ask for help. And i self destruct, and i don’t know how to ask for help. And what i want the most in the world is love, but i don’t know how to ask for love. I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I am constantly afraid of being hurt, and then i hurt myself, and i isolate myself, and my head is foggy and cloudy, and i stare at myself in the mirror, and i feel entirely detached. 

And i don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry, this is so long. And it makes no sense. But i didn’t know who to talk to. Or how to talk. I’m trying my best, but i feel so lost and scared. Sometimes i’m afraid life wasn’t meant for me. But i sometimes it’s like i catch glimpses of myself, and i have moments where i feel like myself, like truly happy, and there and PRESENT, and with my feet on the ground, and comfort in my mind, and love in my heart, but it’s always so fleeting and i never know how to get it back once it’s gone. I don’t know how to be her all the time, but i really really wish i could. I just wanna be me, and i don’t know why that is so so hard. I’m tired. I’m sorry. I could keep venting about this forever i think, but it’s probably just for the best that i stop this flood here, because i’m going in circles, i’m saying the same things, and none of it matters anyway

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #309

“show me how to lie - you’re getting better all the time  /  and turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach.”

Have you ever played Jackbox Games? If so, which ones of their party games are your favorites? No, but I looooove watching Mark and The Boys play them on charity streams. They can make up the funniest shit. I can't recall the name of the specific one I'm thinking of... but I enjoy watching most of them. I do think one or two are boring, though. Do you have artistic friends? If so, have you got their artwork displayed? I have some very talented friends, but I don't have anything of theirs displayed somewhere. Have you ever considered pole dancing? Why/why not? No. It takes an incredible amount of strength, plus confidence I don't have. That and I'm just not into it. What's the last thing you fixed yourself? Uhhhhhhh bitch I couldn't tell ya. Are there any CDs you've held onto for sentimental reasons? No. Did you read the Barbie magazines with comics made with the actual dolls? "I didn’t know that was a real thing." <<<< Me either. What's the last thing you knitted? I've never knitted before. Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') She was the first person who joined my RP mob back in the Animal Planet forum days. Why do you take surveys? Be honest. Boredom, distraction, and sometimes I just wanna ramble about whatever. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? Our mailbox is by the side of the road at the end of our driveway. Your doorbell rings out of the blue. What's your reaction? Let Mom answer it. I don't answer the door ever if I don't expect someone or can peek outside and don't recognize them. Are all the lamps in your home LED or other energy saving lights? I don't know. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing. I can't write very long at all before my carpal tunnel flares up. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life...If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now? I'd be dead, that simple. Have you ever taken a course on CPR? No. What makes you laugh most effortlessly? You can guess it pretty easily. What makes you cry most effortlessly? I make it a rule that I "can't" listen to "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White because there hasn't been even ONE occasion where it hasn't made me cry, even when I was stupid enough to binge it because it's just a good song. I've broken that "rule" before because I do just genuinely enjoy the song, but I know the pain truly isn't worth it, so I haven't heard it in a decently long time. What is the best smell in the whole world? Cinnamon rolls, probably. My body wash is currently that kind of smell, and Jesus Christ it's the best part of showering. Do you wear a watch? No. Can you tell time from an analog clock? Yes. What a time it'll be when kids can't anymore... Is there a number or a combination of numbers that feels important to you? Only dates, but not numbers themselves. What is the most socially awkward thing you've done? *gestures at my life as a whole* Is your computer decorated in any way? No. If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it? No. No. I don't want to relive my high school experience; it would be too painful for me to willingly walk into. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I would say "the breakup," but technically it was letting him basically own me and my every neuron of joy. Not by his will of course, but my own. I was stupid and just... handed those rights over without really realizing it. I can harp forever and ever and EVER about the importance of making sure you own yourself and your emotions. Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Blah blah blah, I don't get an income, you know this. Whenever I do, I 100% plan on donating to every charity stream Mark ever hosts again, as well as some other people's. I'd love to donate to a lot of places. Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes, because society has made it too instilled in me that it's just like... this ultimate validation of "forever" with your partner, even though I know you can be just as or even far more invested in your relationship without marriage. The only *true* benefit of marriage imo is for legal and financial reasons, but yeah, I still want it. Like I said, it's too deeply embedded in that brain of mine that it's a relationship goal. Why do you live the way you do? I'm not even living the way I want to, so... Have you ever abused an animal? No, and I say "fuck you" with every ounce of sincerity and loathing if you have. Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. We share this earth and grew from the same roots, so what *really* makes us better? We might be smarter (generally) and more developed as the apex predator, but that does not equate to being more important than, say, even a gnat. That creature has the exact same level of rights to be here as the human species does. I could go on and on and on about this topic. How close was the last person close to you who has died? Not extremely, but she was still important to and loved by me. Grandma and I were very, very different and butted heads more than once, but her love was unconditional, and she showed boundless kindness to others. She showed a courage I see as unmatched in the face of death. I truly, deeply, in the very core of my heart hope she is at peace and experiencing all joys she ever wished for. How does death in general make you feel? Well, it depends on how I'm looking at it. I fully accept it is an inevitable phase in simply existing that none of us will ever evade, so it's not exactly terrifying to me, though of course I don't want it anytime soon. If I'm thinking about people I love dying, I definitely get sad about it and scared of that possibly eternal separation. Is there a person you absolutely loathe? If so, why do you loathe them? Not that I know personally, no. Has anyone ever told you that you're rude? If so, what caused it? No; I think I'm very mannerly, honestly. Have you ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen therapists since I started middle school. I advocate for everyone to have one, honestly, whether you have a mental illness or not. Have you ever been homeless? In technical terms, yes, but a friend let me stay with her until Mom and I settled into a new place. Have you ever been completely broke? That's the actual story of my life. Well, not me personally considering I've never had to take care of myself financially, but my mom struggles very, very badly with this, and mind you, she's frugal. Just disgustingly underpaid when she worked, and her current status with disability isn't exactly incredibly generous. I live under her roof, so. Have you ever had a steady job? No. Have you ever needed a loan? If so, what for? Have you paid it back? Yes, for school, and no. I do NOT want to know how in debt I am with schools. Have you ever wanted to go to space? Not seriously, no. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen or heard? I am 99.99% sure mine and Jason's old roommates were having some ~kinky~ sex once while I was alone on the couch against their bedroom. Preeeetty sure the girl was making meowing sounds. They were furries (who I want to emphasize have zero judgment from me; I actually think they're very brave and creative), so that was... something I definitely wasn't used to hearing, haha. What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Probably when Mark N O T I C E D me on Tumblr by reblogging a gif I made of him and his pupper, and I LITERALLY struggled to sleep for three days lmfaoooo. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhhh a pretty decent amount, I'd say. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? Crows, sparrows, cardinals and bluejays if you're lucky, robins... pretty basic stuff like that. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Octopi are absolutely fascinating with their intelligence. How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Take a nap. That usually works. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Yeah, I love that shit and really wish I could do it more. Bring my camera, too. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some animes. Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? No. I actually quite like them, though. Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? My dad lent me his Shinedown CD once clearly without thinking I could just look up the album online, haha... He's an old clueless man, leave 'im be. But anyway, of course I listened to it for him and I enjoyed it; I especially loved "The Human Radio," "Kill Your Conscience" and "Pyro." Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? Mine has changed a few times, but I haven't had "a bunch." As for the second question, not to my recollection. Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? The lock screen is a pastel-styled list of mental health reminders: "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough." My home screen has been some adorable meerkat pups for a while, which I didn't take. What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Ummmm maybe plaid? No. Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? The only situation I could think of would be a sex shop. That'd be so fuckin uncomfortable. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I'm heavily biased towards Cloak, haha. I just support anything and everything Mark takes part it, and it's his and jacksepticeye's business. I have one shirt and it's genuinely great quality and reall comfy. I wouldn't call its products expensive, but they're not cheap, either. What person do you text the most? My mom or Sara, depending on the day. Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? No. Not pictures I have anymore, at least. Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Omg I would never. I hate the flavor of any sort of pumpkin food. Does your car have a name? I don't have my own car, but Mom jokingly calls hers "Olivia." Who was the last person you made plans with? One of my sister's in-laws that's actually the mother of one of my closest friends contacted me to plan some family pictures. What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? I can't think of anything recent. How do you feel about your hair right now? It needs to be trimmed and dyed. How fast have you driven a car? I think accidentally leaning towards 80 on a highway. When you're hanging out with friends + you become bored, do you just leave or endure the boredom? Given I can't leave without a car, I deal with it. What did you last plug into your computer? What were you doing with this? The charger for obvious reasons. What color(s) have you dyed your hair? Red, purple, black, then red, purple, and lighter brown highlights. I really wish I could dye it more and actually have the color stick... Was your first kiss perfect? It was to me. What song did you hear last? I have "Over The Mountain" by Ozzy on now. (: Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you ever walked into the guys' bathroom? HA, once during a teacher work day (my mom was an assistant) at my elementary school. My sisters and friends went in there to be little "rebels." I remember being mega confused with urinals, haha. Then as a teen and adult, I've been in the dance studio's boy's restroom as well as a church's to help Mom clean. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My therapist. Are you shy? I am VERY shy. Are you talkative? Generally, no, but when I'm in a very good mood, I tend to be. Has your most recent ex ever seen you cry? Oh jeez, she saw me wail once. When was the last time you were called "cute"? I'm not sure. Would you rather be called "hot", "cute" or "beautiful"? "Beautiful." Do you have a little sister? Yep. Definitely not "little" anymore, though. About to have her Master's in social work... How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed? Given our childhood, we've fought a lot, but mostly just as kids over very, very stupid things. As adults, we've had a serious argument once or twice and then just some very minor disagreements sprinkled in there. Do you know anyone who's been arrested? Oh yes. What're you planning on doing after this? Another survey. What time did you go to sleep last night? Damn, it wasn't even 8:00. I was EXHAUSTED and actually slept decently for once in my life. Do you like waking up to good morning texts in the morning? I mean, I'd think most people would. It's a sweet, easy way of someone showing they care and think about you. Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person? Yeah. What was the last thing that made you happy? We had syrup to add to my breakfast, haha. I don't know if these are a thing everywhere, but I looove what we just call "pancakes on a stick," which is like a corndog, but with sausage and pancake batter. Dipping it in syrup is amaaaaaaziiiiiiing. Do you like the smell of rain? I don't love it, but it's refreshing sometimes. It's mostly just associated with a bittersweet memory, so it can be triggering to smell. I know, that sounds immensely stupid. What was the last thing you took a picture of? A very, very relatable meme to show Sara, haha. She doesn't have a Facebook, so that'll do. When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? I always get a Coke. What’s the nickname of your home state? Tar Heel State, from discovering tar in the since aptly-named Tar River. Have you ever thought about your wedding? I mean duh. What’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid, ugh. Especially right after a summer afternoon thunderstorm. It's unbearable. You can't fucking breathe outside, and you set one foot out of the door and it's soaked. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? The time Misty visited last month and we were taking family pictures. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? I wouldn't pay for either or even willingly go to one or the other, but if I had to go for whatever reason, Carrie. She has a beautiful voice as well as a good handful of songs I actually like. I'm not a Taylor fan; there are only like, two old songs by her I enjoy. When someone screws you over, do you get back with revenge? No. I may not be the best at adulting, but damn, I'm not that bad. Name something negative that you hate about yourself? I overthink like a motherfucker. About everything. Is there a dead end road near where you live? I live on one. Huh, that's actually been the case three times... wow. Four if you count the apartment. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot (celebrities)? I don't care. I don't even pay attention to the news, other than Covid updates. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No. Name something positive you love about yourself: I care a lot about people. Can you smell anything right now? No, besides however my house naturally smells that I'm numb to. Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No. How does alcohol affect you? I flush in my face very obviously, and I become more outgoing and talkative. Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I've never tried it, but I very much doubt I'd enjoy it. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. What colour is your toothpaste? Blue and white. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever inhaled helium? Once, I believe. Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? Yeah, I think he's pretty funny and a talented actor. What was the last fruit you ate? An apple. A candied apple for Valentine's Day, but still an apple, haha. Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? With Sara's family, yeah. It was fine. Have you watched a movie this week? I haven't watched a movie in many months. Have you set an alarm today? Yeah, just to ensure I was up for group therapy today. Have you asked someone for advice today? No. What was the last website you were on, other than this one? YouTube. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but it'd be cool. Well, thinking about the humidity... Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? No; I haven't watched television in a long time. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. The last time you got dressed up, where did you go? I got my makeup done and put on a dress for a Halloween "witch" shoot with my friend and some other people. The pictures pretty much don't exist because they're blurry as shit and way too dark because we left too late. I don't know why we even left the house to do it by the time everyone figured their shit out. I was really disappointed because I thought Summer made me look really, really pretty. ;_; Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't know if he really meant it. He might have just wanted me off his back, but I kinda feel now that he meant it, at least regarding how it happened. Are you proud of who you are? Only in the sense that I think I have a good heart. Otherwise, no. I've accomplished so little. Have you ever been to Costco? We don't have those here, so no. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, thank Christ. Only in middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. How many sets of keys do you have for your house? One. Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? Our landlord/family friend has one. Then obviously my sisters do, too. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Oh hell no. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? Yes, two for each of my photography "styles." I don't post a lot myself, but I react to stuff. When was the last time you high-fived someone? I believe the last time I was at my sister's and my nephew caught a Pokemon on his first throw in Pokemon GO. He and his sister LOVE that game; that's the first thing they ask to do when I come over, haha. Their dad doesn't like it because it's "evil" (which he finds most things, really...), and it's something I could roll my eyes into the back of my head about, but I still have to respect his parenting and ask if they can play it first. He let's 'em, just not long. He also took away the Pikachu plushy I gave Aubree because it's her favorite one. :^) Guess who doesn't fuckin like him lmao. Do you like writing? How often do you write? I love writing! I don't do it very much nowadays except through surveys, though. RP is kinda on pause, so surveys is really how I just get stuff out, even if it isn't creative. Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? Artwork and family photos, yes. What's your favourite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that loves her some Domino's. How many times have you been to the beach? Quite a few times. We live only like two hours away, and considering Myrtle Beach is a common dance competition location, we've been a couple handfuls of instances. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. No. After we moved out of my childhood house though that we actually owned, the fucking idiots who were moving in completely roasted it to pitch by setting boxes on the goddamn stove and accidentally turning it on. The house had to be entirely rebuilt. My parents were livid considering it was THEIR house. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No. What was the best school project you remember doing? I actually really enjoyed the huge essay I did on toxic masculinity the last time I tried college. I've always been very firm about letting men be humans and not emotionless robots, but I learned a lot more while researching and writing. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus is #1. I've beaten it at least 30 times, maybe even 40+; it's been too long since I've seen the save files. It's a relatively short game (you can beat it in less than like, four hours if you know what you're doing) and just very relaxing yet simultaneously absolutely epic to me. God, I want a PS4 to play the remaster, like beyond words. It looks incredible, and I want to try to get white Agro. Have you ever petted a cow, a sheep, or a pig? A pig, yes. I love pigs.

[fanficshiddles]

Raindrops, One shot

Thank you for the prompt. I hope you like it! Honestly my poor heart hurt so much writing this. I changed it very slightly, hope that’s alright.

toshisurtsdottir submitted:

Imagine Loki faked his death in Infinity war. Oc, his girlfriend, has witnessed his horrible death and after Thanos left, she took his cape to have something to remember him. Years later, the avengers beat Thanos in endgame etc. Years Pass by (Maybe even centuries if oc is a goddess) and One day oc finds a homeless Black cat on the streets. She takes it in and takes care of it. Its Loki, trying to See if his old love still remembers him and would be happy to See him again. One day, something is different. Oc has been crying all day and cuddling up in an old, dirty blanket with holes in it. Under further inspection, Loki realises that this is his cape from when He was “murdered” by Thanos. When oc goes to bed to sleep, she takes his cape with her, wrapping herself in it. Loki takes the opportunity and shifts back into his old self. He gets into the bed and gently wraps her arms around her “im here. Its okay. Im sorry.”

 Naomi had her hood up and was trying to shield her face from the rain as it battered down against her.

The rain always reminded her of Loki…

How they would always go out and dance in the heavy rain, laughing so carefree. Kissing one another while they got soaked. It was refreshing and made you feel so alive. There was nothing like it.

But now, she hated it.

She held back the tears that stung at her eyes while she tried not to think about it. About when she saw her love, Loki, being choked to death by the purple grape bastard.

Even though part of her hoped that Loki was still alive in an alternative Universe, after The Avengers had went back in time to stop Thanos. But in this reality, he wasn’t here with her. And it completely broke her heart.

It had been eight years since that godawful day.

While most people had moved on with their lives, Naomi couldn’t. Loki had truly been the love of her life. They understood one another like no one else could. He was her heart, and now he was gone. And he still was.

She was rushing down the street, she almost passed by the faint meow from down an alleyway. But for some reason, her feet stopped moving and she turned to look.

In the distance she could just make out a black cat, hiding between two bins. His green eyes shining, even in the horrible, dull weather.

No one else stopped, they carried on by. Their day too busy to stop or even care about the cat that was clearly alone and afraid.

Naomi went down the alley towards the cat. She expected the poor thing to run, but instead he walked out towards her and started purring as he brushed against her legs.

She crouched down and patted him. Even wet, his fur was soft.

‘Are you lost?’ She asked softly.

The cat looked up at her, as if understanding her. He meowed and headbutted her hand, wanting more attention.

‘I can’t leave you out here. There’s going to be a thunderstorm soon… Come on, you can come home with me.’ She scooped up the cat and managed to get him under her jacket for some shelter.

The cat happily snuggled up in her arms while she continued on home. It wasn’t far, and when she got inside, she was relieved that she had remembered to turn the heating right up before she went out.

She put the cat down in the kitchen and got some chicken from the fridge for him.

‘I will need to go shopping tomorrow to get supplies for you. I don’t really have anything for a cat.’ She said sheepishly while the cat ate the chicken.

She crouched down and rubbed his head, smiling when he started purring again.

Naomi made a make-shift litter tray with newspaper on the bottom, and just hoped he would use it if needed.

She then spent the evening brushing his fur, and he seemed to enjoy it because he never stopped purring the whole time. He even rolled over onto his back to let her brush his tummy, which was rare for cats.

It was still bucketing down outside, it hadn’t rained this hard and for this length of time in a while. And it just kept making Naomi think of Loki more and more. She wasn’t sure why, but having the cat here too was making her think of him more. It was the eyes, and his fur was jet black just like Loki’s hair.

While she was petting the cat, a tear rolled down her cheek. The cat looked at her and head bumped her cheek, making her smile a little.

She went to her bedroom and returned not long later in her nightie and she had a faded green cape with her. When she sat down again to watch more TV, the cat jumped up on the sofa and slowly crept towards her, curiously looking at the garment in her hands.

The cat sniffed at the cape and looked right into Naomi’s eyes, then let out a soft meow. She broke down again, crying buckets of tears while she held the cape close to her face.

‘Sorry, kitty… If you want to live with me, you’ll have to get used to me being all emotional I’m afraid.’ She sniffled and wiped her eyes.

The cat just looked at her, with a look she couldn’t really place. But she gave him a scratch under the chin then decided to go to bed. She took the cape with her, the cat followed behind but sat in the doorway to her bedroom. Just watching her for a moment.

Naomi looked over at the balcony in her bedroom. She wasn’t sure why, but she decided to go out into the rain. Hoping she would perhaps feel close to Loki again. She was really hurting tonight.

Wrapping his cape around her, she stepped out onto the balcony and let the raindrops hit her. She looked up at the sky and closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of the rain splashing upon her face.

It had been so long since she last enjoyed the rain… not since he...

More tears escaped from her eyes and slid down her face, along with the rain. But then suddenly, she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her body. And a firm, yet warm body gently pressed against her back.

A warm breath upon her neck tickled her skin. ‘I’m here… It’s ok. I’m so sorry, my sweet dove.’

Naomi couldn’t believe it. Her heart was thumping against her chest as more tears fell from her face. She held her breath, scared in-case it was a dream. But the body against her felt so real…

She turned around in the arms, but didn’t open her eyes. Too scared to do so.

‘It’s me, Naomi. Open your eyes, my sweetling.’ The voice said softly as warm hands cupped her face.

She opened her eyes and let out a sob as she covered her mouth. It was him. It was really him.

‘Loki.’ She choked out and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly.

Loki started crying with her. He held her so tight while the rain continued to soak them. Lightning lit up the sky and thunder shook the buildings. But neither of them cared.

They were back where they belonged. In one another’s arms.

And they were never letting each other go again.

[littlebitoffanfic]

Home

Fandom: Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends Characters: Wilt, Mr Herriman Relationship: wilt/reader Request: Hey! If you can be bothered another Wilt fic would be amazing! Anything kinda angsty, your choice anything is good!(no cheating though) if you don’t want to it’s totally fine! Hey same person with the wilt request, it’d be great If you made the reader some type of imaginary friend as well You stood outside the large doors, the rain falling off the roof and hitting your head. It didn’t really matter, since you were soaked anyway. You didn’t know what else to do or where to go. Having been abandoned, you struggled to get your baring’s again and when you did, the only place you thought to go was here. Fosters Home For Imaginary Friends. You had heard about it before, but never truly thought you would end up here yourself. You thought your child loved you. you had seen her grow older and helped her every step of the way. But then she didn’t want you, her parents didn’t want you. they started treating you very badly and more like a slave than a friend until they grew bored and you were tossed to the curb like trash. You would have cried, but you must have been out of tears by now. Your distressed appearance clearly showed the inner turmoil you were going through at the moment. Taking a deep breath, you reached out and rung the doorbell. There was a silence about the house that you found eerie and chilling. Until you head footsteps from inside. well, more like hops. As the door opened, a very peculiar sight met your eyes. A rabbit, the size of a man, and dressed in a smart yellow vest and black suit jacket. “I say, are you lost?” He asked you, his own shock visible. “um, I don’t know.” You said, your voice shaking a little from the cold. “Well, perhaps you would like to come in?” He offered you, and you were quite baffled by the strangeness of the situation that you couldn’t argue. You nodded and followed him into the massive house. He guided you into a side room that had a roaring fire. You fought every urge to run to it and warm your freezing hands. “are you homeless?” The rabbit suddenly asked, making you jump and look at him with wide eyes. “I hate to be upfront, but very rarely do friends turn up at our door without their owners to drop them off.” “I-um, I hadn’t thought about it that way. I was left at the side of the road over a month ago. So yeah, I suppose I am.” You admitted, that familiar sadness flooding through your body. “Well, there is always a bed avalible here. I am afraid the majority of our house are away this weekend, a spur camping trip. But perhaps it would allow you some time to settle before they come back.” The rabbit spoke more to himself than to you. “So im the only one here?” You ask, suddenly feeling very small in the large house. “No, theres myself, master Wilt and miss Coco.” He told you. “I shall go arrange your accommodation.” With that he turned on his heel and hoped out of the room. You would have laughed if you hadn’t have been so cold. But it did give you the opportunity to walk to the fire and sit down in front of it. You held out your hands, warming them. He was probably right. It was a good thing you had came when you did. You couldn’t imagine walking into a place like this and not feeling intimidated by a whole load of friends. Especially because you didn’t really know much about it all. Your family had kept a lot from you and never really allowed you to venture outside, so a lot of the world was new to you. you mulled over your thoughts when you heard a knock on the door that made you jump. “Sorry, sorry.” A new figure entered the room, and if you had been surprised by the rabbit, you were awestruck by this. he was at least ten feet tall, red, with a small body but long limps. His let arm was missing, leaving a stitch stump behind. The number 1 was printed on his chest. His eyes stuck at the top of his head, reminding you slightly of a insect. One of the eyes appeared to be broken in some way, the pupil lying to the bottom of the eye and moving as he entered the room. But he had a very warming smile. In his right arm, he held some towel. “Sorry, but Mr Herriman said you needed some towels.” He walked closer, holding out the towels as if to demonstrate he was telling the truth. “who?” You asked, completely confused. “Mr Herriman, the rabbit.” He told you, but seemed to doubt himself. “Ohh.” You nodded, showing you did understand but you just didn’t know his name. you got to your feet and he handed you the towels. “you’re freezing.” The grin dropped off his face as his fingers brushed against yours. “Do you want some blankets? A hot water bottle? I can go get-“ “No, no, im fine. Really.” You couldn’t help but laugh at his concern for you, because no one had ever really shown this much care for you before. You placed the spare towels down but kept one and used it to dry your face and attempt your hair. “Im Wilt, sorry, I should have said when I came in.” He suddenly blurted out, as if he had just made a massive mistake. “[y/n].” you smiled, and he repeated your name in the most endearing way. “Can I ask you something?” “Anything.” He said, a little too quickly but it made you laugh nonetheless. “What do the others look like?” You asked. “Ive never seen other imaginary friends before.” “Never?” he asked, apparently really shocked by this revelation. You shook your head. “Well, their kind of all different.” “How different?” You asked, curious. “Well, some are really tall-“ “Like you?” you chimed in. Wilt smiled, seeming to think it as a compliment. “yeah, like me. And some are shorter and smaller. Some are blue, and yellow, and green, well any colour really.” He spoke about the others with a tone of endearment which made you smile a little. He seemed to be a genuinely nice and caring person. “how many are there?” You asked as you knelt back down by the fire. “I-I don’t know. Sorry.” He joins you, seeming to sense you didn’t want to be alone. “The numbers change all the time with fosters and adoptions.” “Do, do you have to go up for adoption straight away?” You ask, looking away from him and into the fire. “What do you mean?” He leaned forward, trying to look at you properly. “Well, my family weren’t very kind to me towards the end. Im scared it will happen again.” You couldn’t stop the tears from flooding your eyes as you stared at the fire, the memories filling you with sadness and fear. “please don’t cry. We’ll keep you safe here.” He reached out to you, wrapping his long arm around your shoulder. You couldn’t help yourself as you turned and cuddled into his side, crying on his shoulder. He used the stump arm to gently pat your damp hair, soothing you. he didn’t seem fazed by your breakdown, nor did he mind you turning to him. Instead, he just held you. He kept you safe that night, introducing you to Coco and making sure you were okay. He would speak to madame Foster when she returned, and found out that because you weren’t signed off, you would have to wait a while before you could go on to another home because of legal reasons. He would gradually introduce you to the others in the house, sensing your fears of being overwhelmed. And as your friendship grew with each day, so did his feelings for you. Little did he know that he had found a constant companion, someone to truly connect to and be happy with. And you had found your own in him. Because you were home.

[aromanticasterisms]

[Takes place after this!]

Deep in Mahogany’s forest of trees was a special pine tree. Nothing was particularly different about it other than it being the home of Cardmaster, a very magically powerful card holder, who was technically homeless. Some had offered them a home, but they refused. They liked sleeping under the open sky, under the stars.

They lay there, staring up at the glittering stars above, joined by their very best friend Marie.

It had been a couple of weeks since their last quest for the First Card, where they received the very rare, but ultimately very disappointing, 55th card. The dust had settled since that time, but Cardmaster could still tell Marie was a bit upset.

She was anytime Cardmaster mentioned the First Card. That would lead them to becoming a god, after all, and Marie was not particularly fond of gods.

Not that they knew why. They had a vague idea, as she had mentioned having bad experiences in the past. But she was obviously uncomfortable in the presence of gods, or even at the mention of them in general, so Cardmaster had never pried.  But with the possibility of Cardmaster’s godhood looming closer and closer, it felt like perhaps it would be better to talk about it sooner rather than later.

They shuffled their cards absently as they stared at the sky above, trying to formulate a good way to broach the subject.

“You’re shuffling your cards again,” Marie broke the silence before they did. “What’s up?”

“Marie, you know I’m not good at…talking about serious stuff. And I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“What is it?”

“Why do you hate gods so much?”

Marie was quiet for a long time. Finally, she sat up from her place in the tree. Cardmaster followed suit, watching her curiously.

“I…wasn’t always with Madame Red,” she said at last, her back to them. “I served a different god for a long time. They were…very old and very tired. When I arrived at their estate, I could feel the sadness that had soaked into the woodwork. I could feel the weariness in the air. And I decided that wouldn’t do at all. I would use my powers to make the dishes dance, to make the silverware speak, to fill every moment with joy. I got them to smile, and then laugh, and they were happy. I did that for…years. I was happy there, making them happy.

“One day they brought in another doll. She was…she was beautiful. She was living porcelain,  with golden hair. And she…” Marie’s voice broke. “…she could dance.”

Marie curled in on herself, bringing her knees up to her chest and hugging her arms around them.

“What good was I? All I could do was make silly voices and make things move around. She could perform.” She shook her head. “They stopped requesting I come to them. They stopped speaking to me. I was devastated and desperate. I got up on the empty stage, in the darkened dancehall, and I tried to do what she did, to dance. I tried and I tried and I…” she gingerly pressed a hand against her right leg.

“I broke,” she said quietly.

“And then I was useless. What good is a broken doll? I tried to hide it, but they found out. And they…they threw me away. Like garbage. Like I was nothing to them. I lay there with all the other trash for who knows how long, just wondering what I did wrong, until Madame Red found me.”

A long silence stretched between them. Marie sighed and turned around to face Cardmaster.

“So that’s why, Cardmaster. That’s why I’m terrified of you finding the First Card. It’s stupid and it’s selfish, but…I’m scared that when you’re a god, you won’t want to be around me anymore. You’ll find someone else, someone who’s better than me.”

Silence. Cardmaster’s eyes shifted away from her. Both of them sat silent and still. Before Marie could break the silence, Cardmaster lifted up their hand, indicating for her to wait a moment before speaking. They needed a second, a second to process the fears and troubles she had revealed to them. They struggled with how to respond to what their best friend had just said.

“I don’t know what to say,” they started. “I understand where you’re coming from because I was in your place once.”

Marie looked up at them in surprise, listening intently.

“I have feared the gods before and constantly fear the thought of being abandoned. But in order for me to face those fears, I want to become what I feared. You see, if I can become a god, I will no longer be alone! My plan was to become a god and no longer fear great power, and at the same time, have friends to rely on.

“I see your fears completely and I as your friend will not let them come true. Your fears are neither selfish nor stupid, they are reasonable.”

Marie stared at them for a moment before smiling. “If I could, I would be crying right now.”

“That won’t do! Come over here.”

She made her way over to them and hugged them tightly.

“Thank you for understanding. I’m sorry for being emo all of a sudden.”

“It’s okay! I asked, after all. And…I’m glad I asked now instead of when I actually became a god!”

“Me too,” Marie laughed. “I should probably get going. Madame Red will be upset if I’m gone too long. But, next time I see you we’re definitely going after that card!”

Cardmaster grinned. “I can’t wait!”

Marie beamed, and went over to pick up the teleportation orb. She held it in her hands for a moment, before turning to Cardmaster.

“I hope you know you’re the best friend I could ever ask for. And that you’re going to be the coolest god ever, and I can’t wait to help you get there.”

Cardmaster’s throat tightened and tears welled up in their eyes. “Thank you, Marie. You’re a wonderful friend and I’m lucky to have you.”

She nodded, her eyes shining in the light of the activating teleportation orb. The light swelled, and she disappeared, leaving Cardmaster sitting in the branches of their pine tree.

They smiled to themselves. How lucky indeed.

[restlessmaknae]

Walking on thin ice // I. (Im)possible

Baleful powers and icy hearts collide and no one knows what would come out of it. A girl who doesn’t want to be seen and a boy who desperately wants to be seen.

❄ Pairing: Jack Frost!Yoongi (BTS) x Elsa!Joohyun (Red Velvet’s Irene)

❄ Supporting roles: Joonmyun (EXO) as Santa; Kibum (SHINee) as Easter Bunny; Hayoung (APink) as Tooth Fairy; Mark (GOT7) as Sandman; Yerim (Red Velvet) as Anna; Myungjun (ASTRO) as Daylight

❄ Basics’ post: setting & long summary & cast

❄ Genre: angst, drama, fluff, fantasy

❄ Chapters: I. ❄ II.  ❄ III. ❄ IV. ❄ V. ❄ VI. ❄ VII.

Look what you did to her! You can’t do anything but to hurt people. You are a monster.

Said the loud, intriguing voice in Bae Joohyun’s head and even though she tried her best, she couldn’t shake off that unwanted feeling that was slowly engulfing her. It was like she was listening to her thoughts through an earphone without being able to hit the ‘stop’ button. The words were haunting her, whispering into her ears wherever she went. She couldn’t get rid of them, the voice got louder and louder as time went by.

What have I done? She gulped as she rose from her seat beside the bed and shifted her gaze to the pale, tiny body in the giant hospital bed. The young girl’s eyes were closed, looking like a baby as she was sleeping safe and safe. Her breaths were steady and uninterrupted. The sight of her little sister unharmed made her relaxed for a few minutes. Yerim is okay. For now.

She looked at Yerim for the last time, her eyes going over every single detail of the girl’s growing body. The long, chestnut brown curls of her hair, the usually blushing red cheekbones that were paler than ever, the little freckles on her nose and the bracelet around her wrist which represented their strong family bond. Only two little letters were written on the material; A and E. Anna and Elsa – their childhood nicknames.

She looked at her own bracelet and made an attempt to take it off. She didn’t want Yerim to be connected to her in any way anymore. How could she hurt her little sister? She had no idea how to control herself when was panicked or even slightly anxious and it was only a matter of time someone would get hurt. Joohyun would never ever hurt anyone on purpose, especially not her beloved little sister. She couldn’t risk another outburst. She had to leave her behind. She had to protect her and only by being away from her, could she make sure that she was safe.

First, it seemed that Joohyun wouldn’t be able to get rid of that oh so familiar bracelet that she hadn’t taken off ever since they got the pair of jewellery from their parents. However, as she strained harder, she managed to succeed in a matter of seconds. Then, she put it on the bedside table with trembling hands, still trying to cling onto for a few seconds. But as Yerim suddenly snored louder, she knew she had to go.

She can’t see me. She sighed heavily as the thought nestled into her mind. She glanced at Yerim’s sleeping figure one more time and hurried out of the room as quickly as she could. She didn’t want to imagine Yerim’s heartbroken expression when she finds out that her sister was no longer there with her. Yet, Joohyun tried to reassure herself that it would be the best for both of them if she left.

You are dangerous. You can’t be around people. You need to hide. These words wormed their ways into her thoughts more and more frequently; she wasn’t able to escape from the sneaky voice in her head. It was stronger, louder and more malicious than ever.

Small wonder she trembled like a leaf as she left the hospital, hoping that she would never need to come back. She hated hospitals and everything that was related to hospitals – the horrible smell, the blinding white walls, the lip nibbling of the patients and the unpleasant memories that chained her to the place.

She was wandering around for minutes, not knowing where to go to find solace. How could she find a shelter when she was her own enemy? When she was a ticking time bomb that could explode any minute? How could she remain calm and composed? How, how, how?

In the end, she decided to sit down on an abandoned bench near the Han River. Luckily, nobody was around, she was completely alone for the time being.

Joohyun sighed with relief and watched the crystal-clear water in its usual peace and tranquillity. Gosh, how much she wanted to have her old life back! She wasn’t the happiest person on Earth but she was fond of her ordinary life as a twenty-one-year-old college student. Now, everything was falling apart. Her life changed in a blink of an eye and the glass bead of her old self fell to the ground and scattered into tiny pieces. What was she supposed to do? Was she even able to fix anything? Or should she merely start a new life and accept her destiny? Be ready that worse was still yet to come?

She was so lost in thought that she could barely notice that someone sat down on the bench beside her. She didn’t look sideways but hoped that the stranger would leave soon. She was craving some time alone because she was terrified that she would hurt more people after her own sister. Yerim was in the hospital because she couldn’t control her power and it was the cruellest way to pay a price for having such an ominous ability. Freezing things was supposed to be fun, most people would think this way. However, unleashing powers by accident and striking your little sister in the heart is not fun at all. Joohyun almost died of shame and regret when Yerim collapsed in front of her. Her feelings were totally out of control and the more she was afraid to hurt her, the more pain she had caused.

Suddenly, the stranger got to his feet and Joohyun drew another sigh. Although she thought that he would leave, he started walking back and forth, right in front of her. She noticed that the young man wasn’t wearing shoes and had light clothes despite the chilly weather of an afternoon in November.

“I give up. She can’t see me.” He muttered in a low, manly tone which surprised Joohyun because she imagined a much more gentle and youthful voice to the odd-looking boy. He looked like an innocent teenager with his pale skin, blonde hair and shabby clothes but sounded like a grandpa. Was he dressed up as a character from an anime? Was he going to a roleplay?

Joohyun looked up from her intertwined hands, furrowing her eyebrows in question. She didn’t know if she should speak up or not but there’s no way the boy was talking about anyone else considering that they were the only two people around.

“Are you talking about me?” She inquired indignantly, tilting her head in contemplation.

To her surprise, her question almost scared the hell out of the boy. He visibly bounced a little as he realised that she was talking to him. He seemed to search for the right words to say as he hesitated for some seconds. Though those seconds were more than enough for her to check him out.

He was indeed a young guy, probably around the juvenile age of twenty yet there was something really peculiar about him. At first, Joohyun couldn’t pinpoint what it was, yet she almost facepalmed when she realized the most interesting feature about him. Apart from his bare feet, the most striking thing about this guy was his icy, ocean blue eyes. They were so cold and lifeless, stern like winter itself and deep like the Pacific Ocean. His eyes looked old like they kept hundreds of years of horror and wisdom in them. It was scary. Plus, why was everyone so fond of dying their hair almost-white-blonde these days?

“Look…” The boy started awkwardly as he ran a hand through his messy hair. There was an undoubtedly embarrassing pause after his sudden exclamation. “Me and my friend, Tooth−“ He continued quickly but bit his lower lip as said Tooth’s name out loud.

Joohyun gave him a frowning look, not sure who the hell was he and what on Earth he might have wanted from her. She was certain she had never ever seen anyone like him before. She would have remembered such an odd figure. He was already suspicious looking like a homeless kid, he didn’t have to mention a friend whose name was Tooth to make her regret her choice of striking a conversation with him.

Though the continuation was more than enough for her to make her move.

“So Hayoung and I saw what had happened.” The white-haired guy confessed absent-mindedly, shrugging like he was talking about his grocery list, not the fact that he and another person had seen what Joohyun could do with her unwanted power.

Bang. Saying that she was shocked would have been an understatement. She was thrilled, her heart almost missed a beat. But as soon as she got back to her senses, she jolted up and started running away from the boy as fast as she could. If he was going to hurt her, she could still use her power to stop him. Even though she didn’t exactly know how to control it, the guy probably didn’t know about this little detail.

“Please, let me explain it!” The boy shouted after her as he tried to catch up with her. Unbeknownst to her, he was much faster and appeared exactly in front of the terrified girl a second later. He looked like he was trying to plead but Joohyun had no time for solidarity, nor silly questioning. She needed to get away from him as soon as possible. If he knew something, she was up for no good.

That’s why she turned around right away and started walking in the opposite direction. Nevertheless, the boy was pretty fast, so he was by her side by the next second.

“I didn’t do it on purpose, okay?” She exclaimed furiously, furrowing her eyebrows in a not-so-subtle way. She was already on the edge due to the events a day before, so he wanted nothing else but to hide away from the world and herself. Yet, it seemed that if the accident wasn’t already enough, she also had to deal with a clingy stranger. “You can report it but I’m not going to jail.” She stated fervently, her voice shaking a bit.

The boy looked puzzled for a moment but still maintained the eye-contact, looking like the type who would examine her by looking fiercely into her eyes.

“No, you don’t get it. I’m just trying to help.” He raised his arms defensively, making an attempt to clear the tension in the air. The fierce sparks in his eyes proved that he was speaking the truth yet she couldn’t believe any stranger who witnessed what she was capable of. She knew the situation too well. I’m just trying to help. Sure. But was he even able to help her? Was there anyone out there who could help her?

“Oh yeah, sure.” Joohyun snorted way too mockingly. “By taking me to a mental institute or something like that? Or using me as a weapon for the government? No, thanks!” She grumbled angrily, rolling her eyes at the boy’s intentions.

She already felt the anger boiling up inside her and her heart rushing dull. As she noticed the frustration rushing through her body and uncomfortable chills running down her spine, she stiffly put her hands into her pocket. She didn’t want to strike the boy in the heart, even though he was kind of getting on her nerves. She wouldn’t be able to live with more blood on her hands.

“No, you really don’t−“

“I’m warning you!” She immediately cut him off because there was no use of listening to a weird stranger’s misinterpretation. Maybe that white-haired, icy eyed guy was crazier than ever. “Go away or I’ll use my power to make you!” She blurted out without giving much thought, yet she tried her best to sound as confident as possible.

However, the anime-like guy didn’t seem to take the threat too seriously. He raised one of his eyebrows in question and stated out of the blue:

“You can’t even control it!” He scoffed like he was belittling her power. Joohyun was taken aback by his behaviour. Who was he to talk so casually about something so mysterious and inexplicable? Who was he to know about such things? Was he a specialist in supernatural powers? Was he even aware of the seriousness of the whole situation? Or did he think that it was fun because it was only a game for him? If he attempted to piss her off, he definitely succeeded.

“What makes you think that? Are you a stalker or something?” She grunted at him, trying to scare him away. What if he was just toying with her to see if she was responding the way he wanted?

“Do you really want to know?” He snapped back, nervously massaging his temples. Oh Lord! No, obviously not, that’s why I asked! She glared at him, edgily gritting her teeth. What on Earth could he want from her?

“What? You know what? No, I don’t want to know. Just get lost for God’s sake!” She cried out in horror and was about to break down in front of that weirdo. After all, she was just a twenty-one-year-old girl who had previously discovered that she could freeze things and create icicles and snowflakes with her bare hands. Unfortunately, she couldn’t figure out how to use her powers safely. For starters, she hurt some innocent pedestrians who slipped on the frozen puddles which she had created when she was trying out her unknown abilities. After that, she hurt her own sister because she wasn’t able to control the explosions. It was too much for her at once. It hadn’t been even a week or so that she found out about her ability and she had already caused so much pain.

On top of that, there was that anime-like guy with his constant questioning who was slowly driving her crazy. Half of what he had said didn’t make any sense. Or at least, not to her and she was too tired to make an attempt to understand what he was trying to do with her.

“My name is Min Yoongi but most people know me as Jack Frost.” He announced flatly, looking incredibly bored like he had said the exact same introduction for the hundredth times already. He even yawned in annoyance!

Joohyun couldn’t have been more dumbfounded. Did he really expect to know any Min Yoongi? Let alone a so-called Jack Frost? Was he really going to a MondoCon as she assumed? Was Jack Frost an anime character?

“Well, it does ring a bell but I’m not sure. Are you a famous therapist?” Joohyun guessed with a shrug of her shoulder. That Yoongi guy was more than hurt by her response. He gasped like he was some world famous superstar that she hadn’t heard of. Oh please, she had enough drama to deal with lately, she didn’t need to deal with people like him.

“No.” He shook his head after he got over his sulking. “I’m a Guardian.”

“A what?” She yelped, trying hard not to laugh out loud. Yeah, sure, that boy was a guardian. But a guardian of what? The British Queen? And what was that supposed to do with his offer to help her?

“A Guardian.” He repeated impatiently, pronouncing the world slowly and clearly like he assumed that she was merely too stupid to know the meaning of the word. She rolled her eyes in response. “Along with Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Sandman and Santa Claus. I believe I don’t have to introduce them but I’m the Guardian of Fun and I’m capable of manipulating ice and snow.” He added with a mischievous smile and Joohyun had to realize that this was the first time she saw him smiling. She couldn’t deny there was something far too attractive about the small curves of his lips but when she noticed she was staring at him, she shifted her gaze to the ground instead.

“So… you’re like me?” She whispered coyly instead of making a total idiot out of herself for gazing at him. There was an uncomfortable pause after her sudden question and when that Jack guy finally spoke, his voice came out hoarse.

“Well, we’re still not sure what are you and why do you have the ability to freeze things…” He suddenly stopped, probably not sure what to say but then, he cleared his throat and continued. “But yeah, we’re quite the same. Except that I’m more than 300 years old and exactly know how to control my power.”

Joohyun nearly fainted after the jaw-dropping confession. She had to close her eyes for a second to straighten her thoughts. It was too much for her. It was all too much. She wanted to reassure herself that all he said was a big, fat lie. There was not even a bloody person on Earth who could have been more than 300 years old! It was just too surreal and unbelievable. On the other hand, everything seemed to be possible after she had realised that she was able to freeze things and create snow. That seemed impossible a week before but now she had to come to terms with her newfound power and all its downhills.

“Prove it!” Joohyun spoke up abruptly, wanting to see for herself if he said the truth or lied the whole dawn time. “Show me what you can do!”

The Guardian didn’t seem to mind her request yet he carefully looked left and right before he reached his hand out and pointed at a puddle which slowly froze. If it wasn’t enough of an evidence, he walked one step closer and created tiny snowflakes above Joohyun’s head. She stared at him open-mouthed, not knowing what would be appropriate to say in such a situation. She was ready to confront him if he was bluffing but she wasn’t ready to face him if he told the truth for real.

“O-okay…” She murmured embarrassedly while looking into the boy’s eyes which were full of mischievous playfulness. He enjoyed it, she realised. He was capable of such an ominous thing and he was smiling! How could he to do that? To know that he can hurt others with his power? Still, he remained totally calm and reassuring. His eyes had these bright sparks which looked like little shooting stars hovering on the sky.

“Well, I know it’s a little too much but I’m really trying to help. Once, I was in your shoes and I know it’s not easy.” That Jack guy explained suddenly much more patient than ever, however Joohyun suddenly felt cornered. It was all too much at once. It was all too sudden.

“I don’t need help, guide whatsoever Frost−“ She said ironically, it was her way to defend her. She started building defensive walls around herself, so that no one would get in. After what had happened to Yerim, she knew she shouldn’t get close to anyone. She wanted to persuade herself that she didn’t need help but obviously she did. She was just too afraid and headstrong to admit it.

“Excuse me!” The boy looked puzzled after her sudden change of mind but at the same time he seemed more worked up because of his new nickname. Joohyun knew that she was probably too much but she was more than devastated by the fear that she could hurt him. She didn’t in the least intend to do so even though he was confusing her more than ever. But she really didn’t know how to deal with her power and that’s why she tried to push him away.

“I’m serious. Get lost!” She tried to dismiss him while she ruffled her hair in frustration but immediately put her hands back into her pocket. She was almost pleading because she didn’t want to take more shame and pain.

“You really want to learn the hard way?” The Jack guy looked at her, making his doubt clear. A half-knowing, half-confused look came into his eyes while his voice was full of clumsy fondness.

“You really don’t get it?” Joohyun yelled agitatedly, her voice slightly shaking. She couldn’t hold herself back, not anymore. Everything that happened to her in the previous weeks was weighing down on her and she wanted to shake off those painful memories so badly.

“I’m dangerous, I can hurt you. Well, I don’t want to but I still can. Look what happened to my sister! I didn’t want to hurt her but I freaked out and that thing just came out of my hands and it stroke her in the heart. And now she’s in the emergency room and doctors are still trying to save her life…” She freaked out, her whole body trembling with great fear. The sudden outburst wasn’t intended but under the pressure of the boy’s demanding gaze, she couldn’t help herself. She needed to let it out.

When your biggest enemy is your own mind, it’s hard to fight it. She also wanted to tell those voices in her head to shut up but they wouldn’t listen. So, she wanted to push him away before things get even more out of control.

“I appreciate your effort but it’s for your own sake. Believe me, you don’t want to be by my side.” Joohyun shook her head decisively but Jack looked persistent. He seemed more than confident, hands still tugged into his pockets, looking straight into her eyes.

“It’s up to me whether I would like to be by your side or not.” He declared stiffly and dropped a sigh in insecurity. Joohyun assumed that she scared him enough yet he didn’t show any sign of fear. He didn’t even budge.

The more she stared at him, the more her heart started to thump. She felt the blood running through her veins, the voices in her head screaming even louder and more furiously. Her hands began to shake. She couldn’t take it anymore; the fear overcame her confidence and before she could realise what she was doing, she defensively held her hands up in front of her face and felt the usual energy which came when creating something icy. Oh no!

She shifted her attention to the boy who was holding an icicle in his hands, eyes widened in both surprise and relief. Joohyun brought her hands to her mouth, not sure what to say or do. However, Jack Frost seemed perfectly calm and unharmed, thus he was the first to break the silence.

“You see, I can take care of myself.” He admitted with a smug grin, throwing away the already melting icicle. When their eyes met, his gaze wasn’t resentful, not even a little but her heart wasn’t at peace. Even though she didn’t hurt him this time, she could still have. “Come on! I’ll take you somewhere and teach you how to control your power.” He offered matter-of-factly but he didn’t even show sympathy or care. He was just a boy who tried to help but not even in the least intended to get emotionally closer to her. Well, that’s good for me, right? No emotions, no doubts.

Jack Frost reached his hand out to her and she only hesitated for a moment before she took it. When you think that you’re a monster, you feel that there’s no one whom you can trust. Not even yourself. So how you can trust someone who’s just as distant and cold-hearted as you are?

The answer is pretty easy: you can’t. But you still have to.

[loveunt0ld]

11:11 • bjy

genre: song au, angst/fluff

summary: lingering around the coffee shop brought you back 5 steps from where you were.

requested: no

- listen to 11:11 by taeyeon

It’s 11:11

When there’s not much time left to the day

When we used to make wishes and laugh

Everything reminds me of you

it was currently 11:11pm and New Year’s Eve night and here you are, at the same place where your heart was handed back to you in two pieces instead of being at home, where you could be with your family. how could you keep on doing this to yourself? he said he didn’t love you, but why was it so hard to believe him? you ponder over why you couldn’t accept that this was the end of you both. you keep coming back to where you were last happiest. it was here, at this stupid coffee shop where he was last with you. how miss his voice, his touch, his sweet laughter, his small face with its defined facial features. you just missed him. jinyoung left you almost a year ago because through out the time you’d spent together, his heart was never fully yours. it’s been so long, you’ve learned to not cry when someone mentions his name or asks you how he’s doing. to tell you the truth, you aren’t sure of how he’s doing either. he broke all contact with you the moment he left. you just wanted him to hug you, and tell you that you’d be alright.

you think back to when you first started dating him .. how simple times used to be. he wasn’t like everyone else. he cared so much more than you thought. you missed him telling you that he’ll be the first one there if you ever needed him. you missed the forehead kisses he’d give you when it just wasn’t your day, and how he’d pat your head telling you that you’ll be just fine because he’s by your side. you even missed hearing him talk about how he would want to be an idol, despite the fact that the idea always scared you. jinyoung was never one to open up much when your first met him. which is why it still shocks you at how emotionally caring this boy is, and how much he would worry over you or himself. you looked out the window hoping that in some alternative world, he missed you in this way too.

The wind is as cold as the edge of your heart

When I open the window, you blow in

When this time passes

Will this break up be over?

Will I forget you?

you decided it was time to leave before the cafe reeked of your despair. there was only an hour left before the new year after all, so it was best to go home before the city became hectic. the moment you left, the cold air hit your face & you wanted to run back in, but decided it was better to head home. this was the calmest thing you had ever done even though the city was still so alive. people were out with their families, couples had been enjoying their moments together. even those who were homeless had found some way to make the most of this; why couldn’t this be you? why was jinyoung all you could ever think about? he left for a reason y/n, get it through your head. all these thoughts had kept you so occupied that you didn’t notice the tall figure you ran into. you mumbled a sorry before looking up. the chances of finding him here in the city. there was jinyoung right in front of you. just like you had wanted him to be. but why does this feel so wrong?

your eyes widened before completely noticing he was giving the same look. and then he spoke "y/n?" your heart melted at hearing your name again. you’re not supposed to feel this way over him. you contemplated on whether to even answer him, you’re afraid that you would let everything go & finally blame him for causing you so much grief. you tried so hard to walk away from him, but it’s been a year. getting over it, you decided you’d talk to him. "hi jinyoung, how are you these days?” you asked looking at anywhere but his eyes. his eyes were also so pretty and lively; now they seem heavy and tired. "im doing okay" was all he could say. mustering up the courage to look at him, you saw he was alone. you wondered where the girl he left you for was; she was no where in sight. she was pretty and it always left you wondering why she was better. why she let him cause you so much pain. did she know about you? she had to.

Everything finds its place and leaves

You took all of me and left

But like the two hands of the clock in my heart

I keep lingering in the same place

"y/n? how have you been?" terrible since you left was all you could think. "ive been better" you lied to him; he was only asking to be nice after all. "no you haven’t because neither have i" he said while grabbing your hand, causing you to look up at him. you wish you could’ve retracted your hand away from him, but god did this feel nice. "jinyoung .. please" you felt your eyes tearing and the ground suddenly looked so much better. "y/n, i miss you so much. i know i left, but that was biggest mistake ever. i was fine for a while, you know? but then, jihoon (FYI: this was before becoming an idol but he knows jihoon through you and all 3 of you were best friends) told me how you had been acting, and it started to scare me. he told me you stopped eating? and that you would never go out anymore. my heart broke knowing I hurt you that much. but im not back here out of pity. im here because i need you back, whether you’ll have me is up to you." you tears began flowing the moment he said he missed you. your rock, the love of your life, your first love had said he missed you. he lifted your head up, he never like it when you cried. "y/n? please don’t cry" he said as he wiped your tears. he carressed your cheek but you wanted nothing more than to scream at him. you missed him but you were so angry at him for coming back like this. "jinyoung? do you understand the situation you put me in? i know that i am not over you but do you know how messed up it is? for you to come back like this? im so angry that you even left me in the first place. but how were we to know that we’d end up in front of each other after a year of being apart?" you checked the clock, 11:40. 20 minutes till the new year and you won’t be home to celebrate but fighting with jinyoung in the middle of the street.

"y/n, im so sorry. i know i messed up but i was a mess without you. she never made me feel like you do. i couldn’t even say i loved her. when I was with her, i thought of you. of all things, you" he said, his voice full of regret, the regret of leaving you after being with you for so long. your heart still longed for him, you still loved him. it was always going to be him, no matter what. "jinyoung, be honest with me, do you still love me?" you questioned him, almost scared of what he would say. "y/n, i don’t think i ever stopped. all this waiting by our coffee shop finally brought you back to me and it’s all I ever wanted." jinyoung said as you looked into his eyes. you saw the love that you had been missing. you heart was swelling back to life. forgiving was always your weakness, especially when it came to jinyoung. he took your hand again, "y/n, can i ask you the same thing?" you knew your answer. saying it would only confirm that you still loved him but, actions speak louder than words. all of a sudden you heard numbers being chanted around you, "10, 9, 8," had the time gone by so quickly? it looks like you’ll ring in the new year with him by your side again. "7, 6, 5" you are devising a plan in the 7 seconds you have left. "4, 3, 2" "y/n?" jinyoung called your name confused as to why you weren’t answering him. "1!" you wrapped your arms around his neck and got on your tip-toes to press your lips against his. his lips, how sweet and soft they are. you missed each other, the kiss only reassured you guys of that. you pulled away from each other, "jinyoung? i always loved you. even when you left, you were all I wanted. i wanted you back and now i have you." he hugged you as tight as he could. lingering around the coffee shop really brought him back to you with the missing pieces of you he took.

- a/n: ahh!! another jinyoung scenario is back because I can’t stay away oops!!

- also did y’all see his v live OH MY GOD HES SO CUTE AND ADORABLE WHEN HES FRUSTRATED I LOVE HIM BUT @ SWING FIX THE WIFI BAEBY JUST WANTS TO DO A LIVE A ND WHAT BAEBY WANTS BAEBY GETS SORRY I DONT MAKE THE RULES I JUST ENFORCE THEM 💖💞💝💕💗💓💘

[jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets]

Clans: Chapter 1

Relationships: Mckirk

Characters: Jim Kirk, Leonard “bones” Mccoy, Sulu, Uhora, Spock, Christopher Pike, maybe more.

warning: there will be smut.

A/N: so this is my newest fic, and im super excited about it! Its sort of a mix of lore from Supernatural, cuz i love that show, crossed with the Star Trek characters. Basically Jim goes out on a hunting trip and gets himself into more then he can handle all too quickly. its going to be so much fun! So if you want give it a read and let me know what you think!! i would also love to give a super huge thank-you to @medicatemedrmccoy since this story was inspired by her and her amazing writing! BTW if y’all havent read her new “Bite Me” fic, you should, cuz y’all are missing out! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter one:

    Central Park. Dark, quiet, secluded, it was Jim's favourite place to hunt. At night he would lay in wait, taking cover in the even darker shadows of the trees, the thick coverage of the bushes, and stalk his pray in the night.     This night started no different then any other. As Jim silently glided across the damp grass, not a sound under his feet, he followed a young couple thorough the park. They couldn’t have been any older then twenty-five, the dark haired girl clinging tightly to her blond boyfriend as they laughed their way down the trail. Then Jim saw him, the haggard drunk stumbling through the park, emerging from the trees across from him.

    The man stumbled across the grass, cutting in front of the couple who had narrowly escaped an early death that night as Jim set his sights on a new prize. The young couple sidestepped the drunk and hurried out of the park, no longer in sight, but Jim's eyes remained on the plump man now so close to him. “Drunk,” he thought to himself, “always did taste sweeter.”

    He scanned the area with one quick glance, making sure it was just him and his prey left in the park, and slowly began emerging from his hiding place in the bushes. He could smell the man, he could smell the sickly sweet dripping off of him from the booze, and he couldn’t wait to get that taste in his mouth, it was all he could focus on. Then his moment came, the man turned his back to Jim, completely unsuspecting as Jim hunched readying to strike.     Before he could lunge and take what he so desperately wanted he was wrapped in several pairs of arms and a mask thrown over his face. He didn’t panic and calmly tried to remove himself from the arms encircling him, but found that for the first time in his existence his strength was useless, as every time he tried to move their hold tightened and his strength was failing him. Now he was beginning to panic, what creature had strength measurable to his, able to keep him easily at bay? Nothing he had ever encountered before.

    With no thoughts on what to do, he was dragged backwards and out of the park and roughly thrown into a car. They drove for what Jim felt was ages while they held him down with ease in the back seat, still masked. When they finally stopped and pulled him from the car he could smell the water, he could smell the rusting decay of old boats, the metallic tang of gutted fish, and before he knew what was happening he was thrown into a boat and being taken away from land.     Eventually they stopped, the boat docked, and Jim was once again being manhandled. He heard doors creaking open and when they passed through them Jim's senses went off the charts. Every smell was new, every corner they turned seemed to provide a new scent, and he was finding it extremely difficult to manage to even walk straight. But amongst all the smells that this place was holding around him, there was one scent in particular that Jim found himself completely attaching to. This one scent that he wanted more of, and more, it was almost addicting. In the back of his mind he registered another set of doors opening and he was pushed through, then forced to the ground and made to sit on his knees. The addicting scent had left Jim's nose, leaving him slightly impatient for more.

    His mask was finally ripped from his face and Jim found himself surrounded by men, ordinary men as far as he could tell, but their smell. It was something Jim had never come across, something that had him both confused and scared, and the strength they held was enough to drop his stomach to his knees. No man had ever been able to restrain him at all, let alone as easily as these ones had.

    The panic was starting to grow wild in his chest as he turned his head in all directions at the men surrounding him. While he found himself unmasked and unbound he took his chance to lunge at the closest man to him, letting out a gut wrenching snarl as he did, only to be effortlessly pushed back to his knees.

    “Wait here,” the gravelly voice of the man before him spoke, “our Lordship wishes to speak with you.”

    “Lordship…” he whispered to himself, then watched the man leave.

    Jim remained on his knees in the room, still surrounded by the odd smelling men. He wanted so bad to just bolt, use his speed and book it out of this place, but the strength in these men was something he found himself not wanting to mess with. If what he had seen already was as effortless as it seemed, he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out what they were capable of if they actually tried.     Finally the double doors opened again and Jim turned slightly back to see who was coming in this time. It was a tall man, dark hair, slightly tanned skin. He entered the room flanked by two more guys, one the man from before, and the second someone new. Jim noticed that he was wearing clothes that seemed a little old fashioned for modern day New York. Compared to Jim's ripped blue jeans and worn leather jacket, this guy’s dark suit pants and black puffed out top and tie made Jim look like he was homeless.     The very dapper man sauntered past Jim and sat in front of him in the chair that had been placed there by one of the men. Jim wanted to rip him open, he wanted to rip every person in this place open, no one ever dared touch him and this had already gone too far. He shifted, getting closer to the man with a snarl, but when he inhaled every muscle in Jim's body froze. That smell, it was the exact smell in the hallway that had Jim's senses in all kinds of trouble. It must be this man, he was the one who smelled so intoxicating to Jim, so much so that he had to hold his breath while in the mans presence.

    The man tilted his head at Jim's now frozen form, giving him a quick once over before crossing his legs and saying, “My men tell me you're having a hard time sitting still.”

    Jim quickly regained his composure and brought back his spiteful manor, though still held his breath, as he spat back, “Hard to comply when you’ve been kidnapped and held against your will.”

    “Don’t worry,” the man folded his hands in his lap, “we will set you free, I just wanted to talk.”

    Jim said nothing, just stared at the man, hard and cold before the man spoke again. “You’re a vampire, correct?”

    Jim merely flashed his fangs, wishing that he could sink his teeth into someone right now.

    The man chuckled, “Good, and in that case I have a request to ask of you.”

    “First you can tell me what you are!” Jim took one long smell of the room, the mans scent still taking hold of him as he wavered on his knees, trying to gather himself, “You can’t be human, you don’t smell human, in fact… I’ve never smelled anything like you before.”

    The man simply smiled, a dashing and effortless smile that had an almost instant effect on Jim. First his scent and now this. He then leaned forwards slightly and whispered, “We are werewolves.”

    “You’re… wolves?” Jim all but whispered, “That’s impossible, wolves have been extinct for centuries!”     “And yet here I sit,” he sat back with a smirk.     “Then why, all this time, have I been told otherwise?!”     The man took a breath before answering, ignoring Jim's seething glare, “Because as far as you or any other supernatural being is concerned we are extinct, wiped out. But on the contrary, we just made it seem that way. We have been here, on this island, thriving for centuries unnoticed by any other family or clan. It was the best way to keep our family safe after our quarrels with the shifters in the 1800’s”

    “So you’ve been here all these years and never left the island?” the man nodded and Jim scoffed, “Well that explains your dumb ass clothes.”

    One of the men to Jim's left took a step towards him and Jim immediately went on the defense, ready to attack. But the man merely held up a hand and the wolf backed off immediately.     The man looked back to Jim as he continued, “I personally have never left the island, but some of the other werewolves have. The only time we leave the island is to obtain food and nothing more, that is until last week when our cover became compromised.”

    “How?”

    The man ignored Jim yet again, leaning fully back in his chair and resting a hand on his chin, “Go now, return to your clan and tell your blood father I wish to speak with him, tomorrow night. My men will leave you unmasked this time so you will know your way back to my house. Inform him that this is a civil meeting, I only wish to discuss some matters that have recently arisen and see if we can come to an arrangement that will suit both of our families.”     “What matters?” Jim looked around the room confused, “What are you talking about?!     The man waved his hand at the wolves again and this time two came to grab each of Jim's arms, hoisting him off the ground and to his feet. The man spoke to the two men now holding Jim, “Take him back to the docks and let him go, and hopefully,” he shifted his eyes to make contact with Jim’s, “I will see you tomorrow.”

    Before Jim could say anything else he was being dragged, yet again, through the hallways of the house. He didn’t even bother to struggle this time, it was clearly useless. Instead he thought about everything that had happened to him that night. Wolves, actual wolves had kidnapped him, creatures he had been told, since his turning, were extinct. As far as Jim knew his family was the only supernatural clan in New York, and this opened up a whole new playing field, one in which he wasn’t sure where he stood and that scared him. For the first time in his vampire life he was actually scared.

    Quicker then his first time around Jim found himself at the docks. The wolves stopped their boat and tied off, two of them stepping onto the docks then turning back to Jim. “You’re free to go,” one of them said, and faster then they could blink an eye Jim was gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: ok, so just a short little intro...what does everyone think? more action to come i promise lol and if anyone wants to be tagged for future updates just let me know :)

Tags: @bi-e-ne

and @medicatemedrmccoy i already tagged you at the top of this one, but i didn’t know if you wanted to be tagged for the rest, so if not just let me know ;P

[the-next-miss-american-trash]

Junior year of highschool, i remember seeing the top 50 of our school be introduced during the graduation ceremony. I saw my friends go up there, and i was suddenly hit with the grievance that i should have been up there. I would have been up there. With my friends, feeling some sort of pride. But depression killed me academically. So much so that i cried, and my mom thought it was out of fear that i wouldn't graduate.

Come my graduation, and as I'm sitting through the ceremony, through pictures, i felt absolutely empty. There was nothing special about it. It wasn't a celebration of me completing school and starting a new chapter of my future. I was hollow and empty. And eventually i swiftly made up my credits in summer school and got the stupid dingy diploma.

But i was angry with the education system and i was angry at myself. Disappointed in myself. Sad for myself. I couldn't fathom a college education, if i was still in a depressive funk, and would/could fail myself immediately because of my bad habits i formed. I lied, said I'd have a gap year then go. Then two years. Then my older sister semi-convinced, mostly enforced i go and enlisted me- because I'm a person who won't do anything until forced to do it.

I tried for two weeks. It felt good at first, and then i missed my first assignment. And then, i missed a class. And then outside stuff made me break down, and i missed more classes and more assignments. When i finally got encouraged by my sister again to try, i returned to a class to find that i was cut from it. The teacher was brutal and she meant it. This killed me. Eventually, i dropped my drama class as well. And i completely avoided anything dealing with school.

Then the problem with jobs. I couldn't dream of a career that was actually sustainable. I couldn't see a future for so long, just things i wished for. I couldn't get into tv, i wasted 1k on a stupid entrance fee, only to find out we couldn't do the follow up stages that would have me travel even farther, as a fucking kid of course i was stupid. Theater was frowned upon by my parents, you know, the kind of frowned upon where they were like "we support you, but is that really going to make you money? We really want you to follow your dreams, but our circumstances are leading us to homelessness and-" yadda yadda that's another story, but it's what my mind got stuck with. And all this experience i got in high school from devoting my passion to the arts doesn't really qualify me for anything "normal". At least, i never felt qualified.

When i was 15 i did a summer job. Just one summer. I was mentally well at the time. I did janitorial service, and did okay. Hated waking up early. Terrified me when the woman in charge of me began sending me to do stuff on my own, trying to get me to build initiative. I managed decently well. Being the baby of the group of volunteers. Then the summer was over. I don't remember anything about financial handlings, or realize that i should have kept records of me actually working. So unfortunately, i can't actually use it as reference or proof that i have experience working.

But anyways, i remember hating waking up early so much, the anxiety that i felt every. single. morning. doing my runs. That it instilled a fear of working in me. A fear of responsibility. Then come a few summers later, i try the program again. They had an option to look for jobs in theaters, only to tell me they meant to get rid of that ages ago. So i said just put me in butt fucking whatever. I get an interview for some desk secretary call answering person job- i don't know what the fuck it was- but the moment i learned that i would have to answer phones calls, and that i lied about some skills i had that invariably led me to landing the job and scheduling the Monday i was supposed to come in, i freaked out. Panicked, i pulled the same trick as always and just ghosted. Never showed for the job. Avoided any calls. And said i was no longer interested in the program. My social anxiety was peak at this time.

AND THEN, sprinkled about through the years i volunteered as a cabin leader for science camp (i think a total of four times?), and my friend started working there. They mentioned i work there too, and the idea actually appealed to me. I legitimately saw myself working there, I'm playful with children, i love nature, I'd be working with my friend so i wouldn't be alone. Did the interview, went really well, sometime after they sent a confirmation email! They just needed me to confirm when I'd like to start.

And then all my insecurities came crashing down on me.

I remembered that the only reason I wanted to be cabin leader was to go back to science camp and experience that magical feeling i had as a child when i looked up into the stars, when we'd sit around a candle in the dark, when we danced and sang and the wonderful food and games. I wanted to be the child. I remember my first group of girls were great, but then i remembered the anxiety of not knowing where to go sometimes, or the time i couldn't get a group of collective kids to calm down and i felt anger and a loss of control instead of patience. I remembered, in my final time being there and being in charge of boys- thinking i could handle it- that on the first night i couldn't get them to sleep so i slumped at my bed and dissociated until a guy showed up and they were quiet in an instance. And then later on when i was getting fed up because they wouldn't line up to go out for breakfast, i realized my screaming at the boys made one of them cry, and that i was doing this all wrong. I quickly switched it up to a softer tone, a more cooperative one, and they calmed down.

I came to understand that while I'm a playful person, and an understanding one when it comes to kids, i am by no means able to take care of them. So what would happen if i let my anger and impatience get the better of me? I don't want to scare the kids, or give them a bad experience.

And i also came to understand that i can't say no. When my friend reassured me that'd it'd be okay to decline- this one night we hung out at another friend's house- but i should at least respond to them, because i had gotten several emails by then asking for confirmation. And as i stared at that laptop screen, overwhelmed with the desire to want to be better, to take on responsibility, but overpowered by the fear of it, of not being good enough, of saying no, i broke down in tears.

My friends had never seen me break down before, so i think they were justifiably worried and scared, because i couldn't speak, i couldn't move, couldn't type, couldn't stop crying. We just left afterwards i think. And i think sometime after, i just answered as generically as i could and declined.

And since then, I've become terrified of doing the same damn thing. Because while my mental health has improved slightly, I'm still no better. In fact, I'm even worse when it comes to that stuff. I'm terrified of starting commissions because I'm terrified of what i don't know how to do. I'm terrified of getting retail or food jobs because of social anxiety. Im terrified of jobs with less social contact because I'm scared of having to only rely on myself and not seeking out help. My self esteem for even applying is below 0. I've lost my ability to even be a reliable person, the one thing i had going for me that i didn't want to be. I don't want to get a job because I'm the only person available to actually babysit my nephews, but i don't even want to do it anymore! And if i don't, my parents will have to, taking them away from looking around for places to live because we might have to leave again for the 3rd time in a row in the past five years! Because both my sister and her husband work, so they need someone. and then because we can't afford rent, we can't afford a house, my dad lost his job, I'm not working, my mom can't work, my little sister works food,my brother needs stuff for highschool, I'm fucking losing my mind being dead weight!

And STILL. Despite ALLLLL this. Despite ALL the motivational talks, the teary eyed talks, the serious talks. Nothing. Motivates me to work. To do school. To do something. Well, maybe only one, and i ruined that chance. To go see my boyfriend. The one good thing to happen to me. That i want nothing more than to get better for. And here am I am, still not doing anything.

I gave up years ago. How am I supposed to take back my life now.

[dissirnulo-blog]

Hello! I just stumbled on this blog by complete accident, and it's interesting to read your posts about akechi! I'm sorry if this actually comes of rude or ignorant or whatever, but i'm genuinely curious about life in orphanages in japan. Your akechi seems to be awfully not fond of it, and i guess the same with go with canon akechi actually. What are you thoughts?

OH MY GOSH? im really flattered that you found them interesting, and im more flattered that you actually want to hear my thoughts on such a delicate subject. youre not being rude or anything!!

i very well cant give proper opinions on a subject without laying down the facts first, though, and surprisingly, other than passing mentions and links to an article or two, no one really talked about just how awful the system is in japan, and in turn how it affected goro, so let me talk about the system while adding in my own commentary

WARNING: WERE GOING TO SPOILER TOWN HERE.

spoilers and very, very, very, VERY heavy text under the cut. im so sorry mobile users

these are all articles i have bookmarked lolol i suggest yall read them but tldrs aint that bad too

What’s it like to be raised in a Japanese orphanage?

many kids that wind up in orphanages were neglected by their parents or suffered some kind of abuse from their parents. its also not uncommon for parents to leave their kids there simply because theyre too overwhelmed by the job

but even then, some (read: a whole fucking lot) of these parents refuse to let their children be adopted bc of a social stigma involving it. they cant support/cant take care/dont give a fuck for their children but theyre too scared of the shame that comes from getting their kids adopted to let them live in a family that can care for and love them. think about that for a minute.

these kids are sometimes called throw away children by society. goro is a throw away child, you can say.

the kids tend to form a hierarchical society where the oldest or the biggest kid orders all the other kids around. refuse to listen to them, and you get beat up. abuse and bullying is rampant because of this

a child leaves their orphanage at around 15 to 18. once they leave, any kind of support from the government is cut off. gone. nada. youre on your goddamn own. 

japan is a country thats held together by connections. you get a job if you have a good network to back up your credibility. basically, without any kind of networks, youre already ruined before you even got outside of that goddamn orphanage you live in

to add: its not uncommon to hear about orphans released from orphanages becoming homeless or unemployed, and without a support network, more often than not they also suffer from mental illnesses such as depression. or theyre also manipulated into committing murder. you know.

im gonna throw my assumption out here that goro most likely was released from whatever orphanage he was in when he was 15. not too long after, he had awaken to his persona, and thats when he approached shido. probably. if that were the case, then it would align with when the mental shutdown cases started: two years before the main game. goro died at 17 years old.

with these facts, we can assume that HE WAS LITERALLY A HOMELESS KID WHEN HE WENT TO SHIDO, AND HE WAS BARELY LEGAL WHEN HE DIED, YOU FUCKING MONKEYS

“When I was growing up in orphanages I sensed the staff was fulfilling their responsibilities but I didn’t feel protected or loved. When I had to leave the orphanage I was all alone. I had no one to turn to.” — Sayuri Watai, 27, founder of a support organization run by and for ‘graduates’ of childhood welfare facilities.

Japan: Children in Institutions Denied Family Life

basically, the foster care system and the alternative care system (aka orphanages) in japan are a fucking trainwreck, but thats the whole point of this post, so its not that surprising.

orphanages are just really fucking bad, theres not enough space, bad facilities, abuses from both staff and fellow children, that kind of shit

its also mentioned here how those who leave the orphanages have no support to help them ease back into society and again brings up the importance of having connections in japan

adoption is rare. by 2011, only 303 kids (out of like, roughly, 30,000) were formally adopted out of the alternative care system. more on Why later

childrens’ best interests are often set aside in favour of letting the parents or family, who put them there in the first place, decide what happens to the kid, which basically means if the parents/family of the kid doesnt want the kid to get adopted, then no, the kid wont be adopted.

basically, the system favours the stupid adults’ opinions over the kids’ wellbeing. as quoted from one of the careworkers mentioned in the article, “In Japan, the interest of the parents is seen as more important than the interests of the child.”

“The Convention on the Rights of the Child states that for the full development of a child’s personality, they ‘should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding.’” 

hey so guess which persona 5 character never grew up in a family and ended up screwed up in the personality department and got so lost and confused with what he really wanted so he desperately clung to the flimsy fame he had and the idea of revenge and fake praises from a certain shido masayoshi? yeah i thought so

japan likes to cram all these kids into orphanages that, even though there are caretakers who do want to take very good care of these sad kids, there isnt enough staff to deal with them, and thats when what looks like neglect from the staffs part arises

the article lists testimonies from children and adults who are and were from these institutions. one of them, a one sentence testimony, stood out to me in particular: “I don’t have any dreams for the future.” it sounded so jaded and tired to me, and it makes me think of the last time we saw goro in the game. that really tired smile really hit it home for me. goro had goals, but what about dreams?

lets speak in hypotheticals: if goro managed to inflict his revenge on shido, and he won, what comes after? what will he do? he spoke in the ship about being heralded as the hero who took down shido, sure, but do yalls really think, after everything, he actually plans to get out of that goddamn mess alive? goro made it his life mission to ruin shido. nothing matters but that, not even himself. after all is said and done, it doesnt seem very plausible for goro to keep on wanting to live. theres nothing to live for, after that

Witness: Lack of Support in Japanese Orphanages

“Masashi cared about his appearance – he wore fashionable [ … ] clothes and had styled his hair – but a sense of isolation clung to him.” that sounds familiar but maybe thats just me

studies show that children younger than 3 who grow up in orphanages have the risk of delayed mental, emotional, and even physical development because of the lack of bonds with a proper adult or family. orphanages are also a really poor environment for older children, who most likely already experienced abuse in the hands of their families or severe trauma after losing their parents. either way, orphanages are just a really bad idea for children

the first two articles have mentioned this, and now this article mentions this again: kids who grow up in orphanages are often poorly equipped for the real world because of the lack of support after their release, and yeah yall know how they end up homeless and jobless bc of it

as continuation, sometimes, education for these kids are so poor that they get out of the system barely able to read or solve simple math problems. 

children get subsidies now (bc back then they didnt wtf). its around 55,000 yen, or 550 usd. they cant even get a drivers license with it, which also happens to be really good extra points for when applying for a job. another opportunity lost for them

Adoption in Japan Part 1: Why are there so many kids in orphanages?

this article focuses more on why adoption is so rare in japan and also reinstates some things that have been mentioned earlier, namely, childrens’ well being getting set aside in favour of what shitty parents have to say

majority of kids in orphanages have living parents who retain legal custody but are not raising them. because of this, they are not allowed to be adopted, even if the parents dont come back for them

for some reason, japan is really insistent on giving the parents full control on their kids life even though they already abandoned them. this idea is so strictly followed that even a baby found in trash cans or some shit are usually ruled by court as not allowed to be adopted in case the biological parents come looking for them. i know. its full of bullshit.

with that and the stigma of a family letting their kid adopted, it makes me think that maybe its why goro ended up stuck in orphanages and never lasted in foster homes. because despite being a good kid (which i actually think he was), he was never adopted bc his mothers family refused to let him be adopted. its really messed up

apparently, people think orphanages are “the right place for nobody’s children to be raised.” add in the “throwaway children” nickname from one of the earlier articles, i get where goros coming from with his whole “unwanted, cursed child” mentality, and why hes so desperate for anyones attention. spend your entire childhood having the idea that youre a throwaway child, that youre a nobody’s child, that your mother killed herself because youre unwanted planted in your vulnerable mind, and then taste praise for the first time despite it coming from the one person you want to ruin the most, no wonder goro was intoxicated by it.

while there are orphanages with staffs that try their best, sexual and physical abuse are still prevalent, mostly in private orphanages. though they are supposedly monitored by the government, those sent to inspect these private orphanages have little to no training for the job. most of the time, the inspector only comes for tea, then they fucking leave, and the abuses and badly maintained facilities continue to prevail

the article brings up again how children are badly prepared for the real world and are doomed to a life of hardship when they leave. it never stops

in japan, only middle school is compulsory, but most jobs require that you should be at least a high school graduate. only 10% (or lower) of kids from orphanages get to attend high school, because 1) getting into high school is like a super big deal and hard, maybe like getting into college, and normally, middle schoolers attend cram schools to prepare for their entrance tests, 2) these orphans cannot afford cram schools, 3) the government refuses to fund cram schools for these kids bc its also acknowledging that their public education fucking sucks and cant afford to get anyone into a high school

imagine goro burning his fucking eyebrows to be able to get into high school. although, truthfully, i wouldnt be surprised if shido had something to do with goro being able to get into high school, if we still go along with “goro approached shido at 15″ thing. but i stand with the whole “goro is actually smart and intelligent despite being a wack detective” thing bc lets be real, that shit he pulled in saes palace is fucking nuts. you cant deny the kids a genius in his own right

Adoption in Japan Part 2: Attitudes to Adoption

adult adoptions, the kind thats done by adults (duh) for convenience or inheritance etc etc, is a frequent thing in japan, but child adoption, the kind that we all are more familiar with, is apparently kind of a wack concept in japan. its entirely new to them. in fact they only legalised that shit in 1989

koseki likes to make everything complicated. its so fucking hard to describe, but its like a family tree of sorts, except when you (the mother) have a kid out of wedlock, youre not allowed to register your kid to your family tree for some fucking reason; you have to start your own family tree with just you and your kid. if you give up your kid for adoption and they got adopted, their name doesnt get removed from your family tree for some fucking reason, but the fact that they were adopted is noted in your family tree. and this starts the discrimination and stigma that comes from getting your kid adopted, and it makes parents who leave their child to orphanages unwilling to get their kids adopted. its also the source of stigma surrounding single mothers and children born out of wedlock. (hey guys guess whos both a kid born out of wedlock AND an orphan?????) NOTE: this is how i understand the concept of koseki so far, and i may not be 100% right bc that shit confuses the fuck out of me. idk. japan why

so yall know how obsessed goro is with being perfect—perfect grades, perfect public image, perfect everything? as it turns out, theres this stupid idea in japan thats widely accepted that “everything from your taste in food to the language you speak is biologically pre-determined” now that makes a shit ton of sense, considering the kind of person shido is. that fucking asshole. holy fuck.

Japan’s Forgotten Children

it says here that about 4,000 children were formally adopted out of the system, as opposed to an earlier article that says 303. i dont know which one is true.

this entire paragraph:

“Last month, a Chukyo Television director who was documenting this problem, asked a high government official why Japan had such a system, as opposed to promoting adoption and foster care like other developed nations. The man, whom I respect for his honesty, basically said that after the war there were many children without parents. At that time, many orphanages were built. So, that became Japan’s system to this day. Let me translate that for you…There are many jobs involved in this system. Plus, we don’t like change.”

orphanages run by the government receive funding based on how much kids they have, so more kids = more money, and that basically is also one of the reasons why no ones making an effort to get these kids out of the system. the kids are their means of getting free fucking money.

the government isnt trying to remedy this problem bc it doesnt want change, at least according to this guy named yamanta tokuji. hes an ex-child welfare worker who wants change, to put it simply.

he also says that living in orphanages for years damages a childs well being and behaviour. some who end up in family environments can develop reactive attachment disorder in which they regress to behaving like a baby.

the government wont tackle the issue “because it doesn’t want to know the truth and thus be forced to change.” yamantas opinion again

look, before anything else, i dont condone what goros done. shits fucked up, kids killed a whole lotta ppl, and he didnt fucking hesitate to pull the damn trigger on akira, but since this is fiction, context is important. if youre one of those people who simply dismissed goros character and went “eh. hes fucking evil with daddy issues” im just….. :(, bc you fucking missed the entire point of his character. its important to note hes the only teenage antagonist in a game where the adults are the Bad Guys™. i dont remember where i read this, but i (sorta) quote: hes a warning of what couldve happened to the phantom thieves, without morgana, without the support system that they had, without the positive influences that made them decide to do what they did. even yusuke acknowledges this, once they come back from shidos palace after Hell™ happened (i would have put a link to a photo, but where the fuck do i even find a pic of it).

i think that people seem to misunderstand goros character simply because of really fucking bad writing atlus COME THE FUCK ON they forget that theyre playing a game based on japan, where culture and society are very different from theirs, and in turn they dont understand the context behind goros backstory and how japans society views orphans and illegitimate children can really fuck with a kid, and okay, just because youre either of the two doesnt mean youll resort to murder, but 1) this is a modern fantasy game, where cats can become buses and fake gods can force a lonely kid who happens to be a wild card into the depths of hell, come on, 2) goro wasnt even the one who came up with the murders, it was shido. he fucking bragged about it in his boss fight you fucking monkeys!!!! i forgot to mention this, but shido also threatens goro if he ever so much expresses doubt

its also because of bad writing. its mostly because of bad writing. god. goro deserves better than this

goro was a vulnerable kid with powers, and that made him a perfect puppet for shido. imagine if he had known about changing hearts sooner, because no one ever told him about it. imagine if he was able to bring his wild card ability to its full potential, and dont even get me started with the fact that he was a wild card user. this post about wild cards and goro really makes you think, but that isnt the point of this post, so

anyway its 2 am im tired Good Night Have A Swell Night Sir

[ashavant]

The American University System: Oppressing the non-elite.

So let me get this straight...in the 70's there was a community outcry to lower the amount of tax money that got put towards college tuition for future generations? American tax payers used to cover over 70% of college costs, allowing the young students straight out of highschool the ability to work a minimum wage summer job to literally pay their entire tuition. Those with part time jobs while in school were not very common. This allowed for an ability to succeed without the unnecessary baggage of financial stress and lack of sleep at 18 years old while taking 14+ credits, which for those of you who dont know is a true 40-60 hour work week alone. All of this hard work and achievement paved the way for these kids to enter adulthood as educated, debt free, and with the world at their fingertips. Not to mention, they had the incredible privilege of not having to become a self sufficient adult in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the depression...

Compare that romantic reality to our drastically different reality today. I will use my experiences as an example for this, while probably on the extreme spectrum of experiences, they are valid and carry merit nonetheless. I was always told as a child, "you have to go to college, its not an option" Yet, when i graduated highschool, my parents grew quiet. I grew up in a 5 person household in Orange County, CA (one of the most expensive places to live in the country) in a family who made roughly $40k a year, give or take (thats poverty folx). My step-father was an electrical contractor so income was often spuratic. Anyway, needless to say they had not one penny saved for my college tuition. My parents failed to put a single penny aside for anything regarding my well-being honestly. With no car, no money, no job, and no idea when or how I could recieve a college education, I was kicked out of my parents at 17 years old with nowhere to go. I couch surfed and was able to get a couple jobs, one at a crafts store and one at a sandwhich shop. After 2 long years of working my way out of homelessness, all I wanted was to start college! So, at age 19 I applied for financial aid. However, I was told because I was under 25 I needed my parents tax information. Well, my parents never filed on time and were incredible dodgy with communication. So, after months of going back and forth I ended up paying out of pocket for a full time coarse load at a community college. I was able to work my jobs and pay this, but with nothing left over for rent or food. I ended up getting kicked out of my place, had to apply for foodstamps, and had to start over from square one. Little did I know I would have to wait 5 years before I could finally give college another shot.

I had almost given up the idea of higher education. I was making good money in the food industry at this point and had a nice company car and a great home with an awesome roommate. But then, I met a boy. We traveled the country for three months with his bluegrass band and saw 32 states. Afterwards, we again found ourselves broke and homeless. We hunkered down, worked 80+ hour weeks, saved up, and moved to Portland Oregon, "where young people go to retire". Little did we know, retire would be the LAST thing we did when we got there. Cost of living was rising in Portland, but still nothing compared to Orange County, CA. We got good food jobs and nested for about a year. My boyfriend (we will call him N) got great grades in highschool and high test scores in his exit exams, so in 2014 he chose to get back into school as a Music Composition Major at age 26. His journey is a whole other terrible story. I wanted to return to school so badly, but knew I had to wait until I was old enough to not warrant my parents tax info. Finally, at age 24 I filed my FAFSA and went to a career counselor. I was directed in the career of Civil Engineering. Having no prior knowledge of this career or topic, I dove in blindly headfirst. I chose a community college due to the fact that I barely finished highschool and did not take ant exit exams. To my surprise, I did very well in my college settings. After one year I was able to transfer to a university! Me! I WAS GOING TO A UNIVERSITY! I could not believe it, and was soo excited. I had no clue how hard this would be, not the work, but just surviving through it. I should mention here that I have a mild dissability. I have endometriosis which is a chronic illness linked to hormones, ovarian cysts, and all that jazz which can result in disabling pain and in my case an emergency surgery from time to time. I also suffer from a mild form of PTSD. So, with those alone handling high stress loads can be very hard on my mental and physical well being.

Ok, so I was a 24 year old first generation college student (first person in my family to go to college) disabled lower class person wanting a higher education. Seems logical right? Well, once I got accepted to the university, I chose to change my major to Architecture, I had taken an intro class for general ed and fell inlove. My beginning of my first year was great! Lots of lectures and reading. Aside from my tuition multiplying literally 3x from my community college tuition which did not affect my financial aid disbursement, I was fairly stress free. Now keep in mind, my partner and I are both working 20-30 hour weeks to make ends meet while taking 12-14 credits. Its basically having 2 full time jobs. Anyway, the last term of my first year came around-my first studio class. I was so excited! Time to actually do architecture! I got the syllabus and was told was supplies were needed to be successful in the class. I was also told that doing all of the requirements for the assignment would result in a C grade, if any grade above that was desired extra work had to be put in. I thought, no biggie, bring it on. The next thing she said was, "absolutely no sleeping in the studio!" Thats when I had a feeling I was gonna be in trouble. After class I went to the art store got my supplies. I almost started crying as they read my total to me: "$682.80, please." And that was with my student discount and not including all of the future supplies I would need just for that term, which I will tell you now after all the drawings and models ended up being about $2,000. That is a whole lot. These studio classes also require many all-nighters just to have enough time to complete the assignments. Many times, due to having to work outside of school I could not complete my assignments or had to do them with less craft and care than I would like just to turn it in. This year, I recieved less in financial aid, my rent has gone up significantly, tuition went up, and there are new grade requirements: if you get anything less than a B-, youre immediately dropped from the school of Architecture. So, not completing assignments isnt an option anymore. This last term costed my much less money, but once I told my instructor I was out of money, his response was, "well, this is Architecture school." What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!? A roll of Velum (drafting design paper) costs $50-$70 pencils are $2 a piece, models cost like $100 each, the list of tools go on and on. I am already paying $10k a year for tuition, ensuring at the very least $70k of debt including my masters degree which you need to get your Architecture license. And at least $100k with the $500 a month I need to borrow a month for rent. I should not need to add thousands more of that for supplies my school should be providing. And this insane pressure of pulling all nighters to get done the amount of assignments it would take us to do in a whole week last term in 2 days!

The moral of this very long story is that college is not meant for those of us trying to climb the life ladder. Its meant for the already elite. Its meant for kids right out of highschool with parents who make enough money to pay their tuition, their rent, their whole lives! Meant for kids who travel to Europe for the summer instead of working 60 hours a week to make up for the money lost during school cuz you physically cannot work more than 25 hours. Its meant for kids who can call their mommies and complain about how mean their teacher is, not for those of us who cry every night about being afraid of ending up back on the streets in the snap of a finger. Its meant for kids who can work and think about school all day every day, not those of us preoccupied with being able to pay all of our bills and being able to afford food and health insurance.

HOWEVER, even if you are like me, worse, or better, YOU CAN DO IT! I have a damn 3.7 GPA. I may only get 3 hours of sleep a lot, cry almost weekly, probably have lost years of my life due to stress, and feel scared for my health, but shit IM FUCKING DOOOOIN IT! Even though our government, or school presidents, and pretty much everyone in power disagrees, you are so worth it and you are so capable of success no matter how much harder you have to work than everyone else. Because we have to work so much harder now, we will get to party that much harder when we make it. I WILL GRADUATE IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL SUCCEED IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD CUZ I AM A BADASS AND CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PRIVELEDGED FUCKS CAN DO, JUST BETTER!

[roxxdafoxx]

Why I stopped celebrating the holidays...

for me holidays were always a disappointment the decision to not celebrate the holidays can save you money and  your sanity its definitely a “rich mans holiday” my grandmother always made it a point to make sure i felt valued she always got me a gift and a birthday cake My great grandmother an I shared the same birth date and having a birthday with my great grandmother was the best now with the exception of a few cousins and my children now that my entire family is dead and after spending every holiday in the hospital ive had a lot of time spent in isolation to learn and get to know myself and God on a more intimate and deeper level not being with family always being depressed during the holidays made me realize why am i allowing these holidays cause me anxiety get me all upset about being able to afford gifts for everyone especially when u have a big heart and the desire to give to everyone id give to almost everyone in the entire world if i could but feeling that way during holidays never sat right with me it would ruin my mood my self esteem/self worth i would feel i had no value like i was never good enough no matter hat i did or gave would never be good enough i would find myself damn near balled up in a corner crying on a day that was supposed to be happy my birthday being so close to christmas put my birthday in the my mind in the  “you dont matter box” lol im sure most can relate if their birthday is during that time when most people are getting ready for the holidays while everyone else gets both a birthday present and a christmas present for christmas babies your lucky if you even get a gift in general trying to throw a party around that time is equally as difficult people are just too busy the holiday its supposed to be about Jesus and his birth and birthday although its not even the day he was born a lot of people aint even really thinking about Jesus at all some celebrate christmas and dont even believe in God its just tradition for them and a reason to celebrate and get gifts and its origins have nothing to do with God!!! The origin of Christmas is completely opposite of what most think theyre celebrating and most are in denial that they continue to celebrate a lie with a dark origin they say halloween is a devils holiday but Christmas is too!! the reason the birth of Jesus is not listed in the bible is because God never planned or commanded us to celebrate his birth because he doesnt have a birthdate he has always existed the bible even calls it foolishness (Jer 10) this is the reason people cant wait for the holiday cram to be over with because theyre busy trying to please everyone except God being selflessly selfish and putting themselves into debt is that really the correct way to show people that you care?  When u travel a bit when u go through some things when u see people struggle just to have a roof over their head are homeless or living in a shelter or if you think of people in other countries who are just grateful for a pair of old worn out shoes you realize how vain the holidays really are the bible even calls it “vanity” when you look at all the beautiful decorations all the money spent on trees and lights etc u start to see it for what it really is its all “vanity” please believe im not being judgemental i celebrated this holiday before i somewhat celebrated it even tho i was in the hospital i mean you really cant avoid the celebration because the majority is celebrating and it will trickle its way on down to you in one way or another for instance i no longer celebrate and this is my first year deciding not to the nurses bought me gifts along with a santa claus hat that ive been wearing because i love hats its warm im into costumes and fashion but even fashion can be considered vanity we have put ourselves in a place and position that we forgot where we came from and what our ancestors went through.. I loved planning birthdays and surprises for friends, but when it came to me, the favor was never returned. That's when I realized that planning my own birthday or holidays or others birthdays that it was too much pressure trying to please others. it still makes you feel inadequate and terrible. nobody cares  Let's be real Everyone is already in debt. Your birthday just became another errand on their daily to-do list. If you invite a lot of people they dont show up or might not bring anything some folks just really are there for the food and a party could care less about you but its just something to do it could mean you have false friendships/relationships in general and you're just there hoping for gifts even fake friends buy gifts too u just never know .... the dark origins is really what made me give up on holidays valentines day is supposed to be about love but i never felt more unloved than on that day halloween aka “the devils day” you get more gifts of candy from strangers than any other holiday ironically and its like the  day where being scared is supposed to be fun the bible clearly states fear is not of God a lot of people like that stuff and like the feeling of being afraid until its a real situation then its not so fun.. i can barely watch horror films i honestly dont know how people come up with these crazy scary movies how do they film them write them and play these characters i mean acting is most def a talent...If you’ve never researched where our Christmas traditions come from, if interested in the truth look into it. I started to share them here, but it would take me FOR.EV.ER. to go through all of the names, dates, traditions, etc. But look into where Dec. 25th came from.  the Yule log, the Christmas tree and its ornaments and lights, holly, mistletoe, wreaths, the Christmas ham… look up Winter Solstice and Saturnalia. If you are really interested in knowing where your traditions come from and what they mean… do some studying.Suffice it to say, what we are doing when we partake of the traditions of Christmas is nothing more than imitating the pagan’s worship of the sun god. And i no longer can stand to have any part of spitting in the face of God. (Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but this is how it makes me feel.)For a long time I tried to rationalize that it was okay to continue enjoying the festivities. After all, we weren’t doing it to worship a sun god, we were honoring the birth of Christ! Right? Well, after much prayer and studying God’s word, one day the Lord revealed this analogy to me.Let’s just say that your spouse has cheated on you. After all, the Lord does call his people an “adulterous bride” after they went chasing pagan gods.Let’s say that your cheating spouse has come back to you, and asked your forgiveness. All has been made right again.Now, let’s say it’s your birthday. And your spouse wants to honor you on this day. (Although, in an appropriate analogy the celebration wouldn’t even be on your actual birthday!its on the other womans/guys birthday)But instead of giving you gifts that you have clearly expressed a desire for, your spouse gives you things that his lover enjoyed! He made his/her favorite foods, wanted to enjoy his/her favorite activities with you, lavished you with things that would have delighted him/her! Now, would this honor you? Would you feel loved and esteemed in this situation? Of course not!!! You’d be Livid!!! Is this not what we do to Christ, when we say that we are honoring Him by means of pagan traditions!? Being me,.. I wanted to find something in Scripture to solidify my convictions. Would God see the intentions of my heart, and understand that I’m just trying to please Him? Or would He be angry as I know I would be in that situation?...YHWH brought me to Exodus 32, the story of the Golden Calf. Remember that one? Moses had gone up onto the mountain to speak with God (and bring down the 10 commandments), but he took so long in coming that the people began to wonder what had happened to him. They asked Aaron to make a golden calf for them to worship, and he did so. But I thought this was fascinating, in verse 5 of that same chapter Scripture says, “And when Aaron saw it (the golden calf), he built an altar before it; and Aaron made proclamation, and said, Tomorrow is a feast to the LORD.”Do you see what he was doing? The people had fallen back into pagan practices, and were worshiping an idol, yet saying it was to honor God!!  The next verse goes on to say,“And they rose up early on the morrow, and offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and to drink, and rose up to play.”Wow. Sounds like they were having a very fun celebration, huh?! Did the Lord look at the rejoicing of their hearts and feel honored? Let’s find out…In verses 7-9, YHWH speaks to Moses and tells him what the people are doing. He says that they have “corrupted themselves”, and “turned aside quickly out of the way which I commanded them”.Then in verse 10, YHWH says, “Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them…”.He was SO ANGRY! He was ready to destroy them all! Evidently, He was not pleased at the way they were trying to honor Him… mixing worship with pagan traditions. Mixing the holy with the unholy. water oil Vinegar type mix Just. Like. Christmas.....As I continued to study, I also came to 1 Samuel 15…This is where King Saul went out to destroy the Amalekites. But the Lord specifically told him (through Samuel) that he was to “utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.” (verse 3)But if you read on, you’ll find in verse 21 that they did not do as the Lord had commanded, and had in fact brought back with them the best of the sheep and oxen instead of killing them. Of course, when Samuel confronts him about it, Saul rationalizes that they did it “to sacrifice unto the LORD”.Here again, man is disobeying the Lord’s commands, yet saying he is doing so to try to please God. What does the Lord say? Verse 22-23, “And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to “OBEY” is better than sacrifice”!!!, .For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.”God didn’t want the sacrifices. He wanted obedience!!!.Here’s another in Deuteronomy 12:29-31; He is speaking to the Israelites before they go into the promised land,“When Yahweh your Elohim cuts off from before you the nations which you go to dispossess, and you displace them and dwell in their land, take heed to yourself that you are not ensnared to follow them, after they are destroyed from before you, and that you do not inquire after their gods, saying, `How did these nations serve their gods? I also will do likewise.’You shall not worship Yahweh your Elohim in that way; for every abomination to Yahweh which He hates they have done to their gods…”We are specifically told NOT to worship God with the ways of the pagans!! Jesus himself said in Matthew 15:7-9, “Ye hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.”I don’t want to worship in vain, forsaking the commandments of God and clinging to the traditions of men. (also in Matt. 15:3)I don’t want to have anything to do with the unholy.Ephesians 5:11, “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.”In fact, the recurring theme all throughout Scripture is for God’s people to NOT follow the way of the pagans (in other words, go along with what the rest of the unbelieving world does), but to be set apart as holy, and to honor YHWH by obeying His commandments!If we profess to worship the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, then we cannot ignore the very character of God as repeated to us throughout Scripture. He is a loving God, yes, but He is also a jealous God. He will not share His people with idols.“For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 34:14 But let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Christmas traditions don’t really have pagan roots. Let’s just pretend that’s a bunch of baloney.Even still, nowhere in Scripture is it commanded to remember the birth of Christ. In fact, what we are commanded to celebrate are the Biblical Feasts of the Lord (given in Lev. 23), including Passover in remembrance of Christ’s death. Yet, far too many Christians have never even heard of the seven Feasts of the Lord, or they think they are “Jewish” celebrations. Scripture doesn’t call these holy days (not holidays) “Jewish feasts”, but the LORD’s Feasts. And everyone who calls himself a child of Elohim is to keep them. Forever.And so, we have chosen to give the Lord the gifts He has specifically requested, and honor Him through celebrating and remembering the Feasts of the lord.Loved ones, I know that Christmas is a special time of year, and that people get very caught up in its traditions and festivities. But our hearts yearn to honor the Lord… above all else. And this is something that i feel is non-negotiable.So, im  saying “No”: to the holiday rush, and fighting over the latest toys for my kids, and inflatable yard decorations, and the lies of a bearded man who claims to have the powers of God (all seeing, all knowing, all present), and the Great Big Toys “R” Us Book, and “Yuletide” carols, and guilt induced credit card spending, and drunken company Christmas parties, and everything else that the world gets so wrapped up in during this time of year.For me, it really only comes down to one thing:“If you love me, keep my commandments.” John 14:15 And I think I’ve laid out pretty clearly what i believe the Lord expects from us.  one holiday i like which is the 4th of july because it summer and there’s fireworks in the sky and bbq but what is the true origin of 4th of july? i wish we didn’t have to have wars i wish people could just live and let live without hurting anyone why steal why not just learn from each other share a world without greed would be beautiful but also when u have nothing really left and after you have gotten rid of all the fake people in your life u find no real reason to celebrate if you have no one to celebrate with with my family all passing away the money has been short after being  locked up in an institution it puts a damper on things i feel like these holidays are made up just to make the rich get rich yes we all want to have fun and have a good time but id rather celebrate with the right people for the right reason without any ulterior motives that battle against principalities ans spiritual wickedness against rulers of darkness evil spirits in high places the fowl of the air id much rather sell things to people who do celebrate these holidays because at least it can help with bills instead of be a hindrance and burden in my life i’m not judging anyone who celebrates holidays i use to celebrate them too i’m just sharing why i have chosen not to  honestly i celebrate everyday i buy gifts throughout the year why celebrate when the government wants us to? so they can capitalize on the citizens have us participate in their hellenistic rituals that we aren’t even  made aware of until we do the homework and learn about them for ourselves these traditions were forced on us we weren’t given a choice and to think we were told that by celebrating these days we are honoring God and all along we arent we are honoring other gods celebrating holidays that have origins of other gods and not the true God the bible doesn’t encourage us to entertain these practices why even celebrate anything that has the potential to be a set  up for disappointment by not celebrating it eliminates any expectation of having a day that you really only see in the movies on the hallmark channel i’ve also noticed people dread and just cant wait for it to be over like a funeral and its supposed to be a joyful prosperous time its even programmed to be called the most wonderful time of the year i tell ya satan is a sly trickster i chose life and freedom from the imprisonment that i feel when it comes to the holidays so while everyone else is celebrating i decided to be happy and enjoy myself in my own company with God the real comforter snuggled up to him in worship and gratefulness as an introvert id rather spend the days away from all of that i enjoy being an introvert i enjoy being in my own company creating with the creator holding me down and uplifting me and perhaps the holidays have turned me into  a “scroogey your highness grinch” because i view things differently now but with that comes the freedom of me not having to do what everyone else is doing setting myself apart from the masses (mass level of destruction lol insider) i’m living my life by my rules by my preferences and spending time with God my best friend God never asked for anything but for us to live right and be holy because he is holy this is something to be celebrated always everyday everyday is our unbirthday one day out of the year is a day we were born on and we shouldn’t feel pressured or disappointed because someone didn’t get us a gift or acknowledge the fact that we are here another year and alive if anything we should spend our birthday alone with God because for sure its facts that you’ll feel value and loved in the arms of God i feel we should do something special for ourselves no one will ever love us like God can no one will ever love us like the self love we give ourselves truth be told people will always fail u people will not always be there for you people die there are no guarantees in life except the existence of God and his everlasting word anything else is temporary everything we see will one day no longer be  so i make it a point not to depend on external happiness internal happiness is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves  always do you stay true to yourself get rid of old habits that dont benefit your soul and be happy do what makes you happy there’s always room to learn more and to improve in certain areas in your life in all areas a friend once told me and it will forever stick with me and that is we aren’t perfect we are not all knowing we are forever learning and correcting things we are all a work in progress give to others keep yourself in alignment with the word of God by giving to others its like youre giving to God and it will be given back to you within the same measure you gave with so just be a happy cheerful giver give from you’re entire heart good things will happen just dont give and expect something back giving to receive doesn’t work like that...another thing  don’t wait for their birthday or a man made holiday to do things for people some might not even live to see another birthday this kinda follows the saying don’t wait till i’m dead to buy me flowers or wait till im gone to finally miss me invite someone to dinner just because why wait until thanksgiving to feast and be thankful around your loved ones thanksgiving a day where we are actually celebrating stealing the land from the people who were already here thats like allowing someone to move in with you you teach them how to grow food and make a living for themselves and then they rob you and kick you out of your own home and force you to pay them to live in the street and first and foremost last but most assuredley not least never allow the holidays to validate you your value doesnt depend on gifts u get or didnt get or the people around you i like small numbers i think God prefers small numbers too because quality is and always will be better than quantity id rather have 1 real friend than a thousand fake friends even if my only friend is myself i remember in elementary school they would give out secret candies on valentines day some student s would recieve like 30 gifts because either they were that much admired and popular or they bought themselves gifts and made it look like someone else did it for them to make themselves appear to be better but i wonder if fake love makes them feel better its kinda like today how they buy followers do me a favor be happy keep the fake stuff to the side seek to be happy internally so nothing or no one can take that from u people and material things are all external things theyre all temporary the things money cant buy the things we cant see are the more permanent things our bodies are also temporary but these souls of ours are gonna be with us a lot longer so make sure you take good care of it and of you real love is internal and eternal and its the best gift we can give to ourselves signed #EternallyYours #EternalLove

[bearfriends]

1.17.19

i think im never gonna go home again.

see if it's possible to, at least. im staying with rafa for two more days, and on the last day we're gonna go to this homeless youth housing orientation thing... they let you live in a two-bedroom with another person for up to 21 months. I meet the little qualifications they have- be poor, homeless, under 22.... it almost sounds too good to be true tbh- it's completely free housing, super easy to apply? there has to be some catch

and i know Sammy can really, really easily be taken for my therapy cat. in a heartbeat. but that wouldn't change anything if the apartments that it's hosted in dont allow any animals at all....... so hm.

we'll see.

if I were to get housing by some miraculous chance, that would be.... a miracle.

I feel so unworthy of miracles, I've never felt the audacity to ask for one. signs could maybe count as miracles that I've prayed for. Sammy is a miracle that was given to me, his name is Samuel - "heard by God." I don't believe in Christianity persay or anything, but I do think that in all my yearning and crying and wishing, the universe truly answered my prayers by sending me him. he came up to me and we were in love and weve stayed that way. he's perfect in every way, heaven sent. my mom isnt even fighting him anymore, just sticking with not wanting him around her "allergies".

but now im asking for another, grander one. the amount of absolute shameless impudence that takes ,,,,,,

rafas family is offering to help me pay for groceries and even a phone. they mostly don't want me to move in and force it to have me and Rafa get back together into a rushed and unsure relationship. we deserve an unpressured, honest try if we were to do it again.

so that's why the idea of Saturday is scaring me. never being able to see him even on my street... I already can't sleep without him. I was just starting to be able to sleep cause of Sammy, but I'm unravelled. my mind is in shambles and I will kill myself if I have to live there. I don't want to even spend the night there again. I don't wanna be alone.

i don't wanna be alone.

[tumblunni]

Mannnnn I just cannot get over how many great well-developed relationships there are within the Rune Factory 4 cast! Its just great how much all the different love interests interact with each other outside of their romance route, and how all the non-romanceable characters are still an equally big presence by being family/mentors/employers/best friends/etc to the love interests and to each other and everyone has a job role in the town and they have so many great interactions and just GAHHHH its so great!! Its like one big family made of families made of families then you marry into the family and the family and also the family perhaps. THEN YOU HAVE A CUTE CHILD. aaaaaa

Anyway.. umm.. lol... Yeah THIS IS BUNNI JUST FLAILING AT HOW GREAT THE GAME IS

ALL THE FAMS:

Ventuswill the mentor lady best friend/team mum/LITERALLY THE GOD OF THIS COUNTRY AND A GIANT DRAGON man i just cry forever for her aaaa Everybody’s own unique love for her, and how she kinda unites us all as a family aaaa The butler family coworker trio who met each other because of her! I really like to see it as clorica and vishnal having a brother sister relationship, they dont get any particular big scenes together but they just seem to be such cute friends who never have any of the rivalry you’d expect when theyre both competing as volkanon’s students. VOLKANON IS LIKE YOUR GRANDPA AND HE IS THE BEST CHARACTER The whole restaurant fam! You get to see it expand as the story goes on! And aaaa its just so heartwarming that porcoline adopts all these random homeless people and aaaa!!! DYLAS LEARNED TO COOK. THEY ALL LOVE THEIR STUPID TWIRLY GOOFBALL DAD. And its so nice that these very different personalities end up coming together and being like siblings when they probably wouldnt have befriended each other if not for this random stroke of chance. Its just so cute seeing margaret looking out for her new brothers, and dylas being so polite and formal to arthur, and arthur just being all ‘haha i dont know anything about having a loving family what a rare novelty’ *constantly crying inside* And they bicker sometimes and when they team up theyre a super powerful force, and theyre all like the parents to porcoline’s childishness and aaaaa super talented restaurant fam, super colourful quartet of hugs aaaa THEY ARE MY FAVOURITE OKAY And Forte + Kiel adorable siblings with the unique plot and semi tragic aspect of living alone together at a young age and each trying to take the place of their deceased parents and protect each other And then Bado is like their weird adoptive uncle who’s lived next door since back when their parents were alive, and promised to keep them safe. but he’s kind of a wreck of a man who’s perpetually messing up his silly get rich quick schemes but DEEP AT HEART HE CAAAAARES! but still he is kind of a mess and would probably turn up drunk on their couch half the time. i love him he reminds me of sirius black if he ate del boy from Only Fools And Horses to absorb his strength And then there’s Illuminata who’s like Bado’s evil twin kinda?? They should have more interactions, theyre the bad influence grownups duo XD And I just love the underrated relationship between her and her ‘sidekick’ amber, and how she’s kinda like a big sister who doesnt wanna be called one. I totally only have you here to serve my nefarious purposes! Umm, I mean, my purposes of justice!! And then she’s often playing the cool big sis to all the various female characters in the town, even though at the same time she’s also part of the ‘adults who need a mom friend’ group XD I think margaret and forte actually win the crowd of the true mom friends even though theyre not the oldest (I also like that they have an unlikelu friendship together, though i wish if margaret is allowed to have a canonical gay crush then why isnt she allowed to be a gay marriage option...) And then Lin Fa and Xiao Mei kinda dont stand out as much cos theyre more of a very normal mother and daughter, beyond Lin Fa just being this spacey super nice but super clumsy person. She’s not quite the funny parent-child like porco and co, but she’s funny in her own way cos of how cheerful and positive she is about all her failures. Xiao Mei got all the common sense! Its also nice and cute how Xiao Mei is physically clumsy but super competant and mature, while her mum is perfectly elegant yet completely scatterbrained. And they’re both totally huggable, Xiao Mei dont be jealous that everyone has crushes on your mum! I feel so bad when she’s all ‘i’ll never succeed cos i cant be cute in the same way as her’, as if there’s only one definition of feminine beauty or whatever. CAN YOU NOT SEE YOUR MUM HAS FLAWS TOO. you are powerful togetherrrrrr! i am just so envious seeing these characters with supportive mums that’re like their best friend and they can talk about everything together ^_^ And then there’s the doctor family with the super lovey dovey married couple of funnyness and mushy mush, and they adopt some orphans too~! EVERYONE ADOPTS EVERYBODY: THE GAME. I love seeing the cold and distant Dolce warm up to them and regain her faith that she wont be hurt if she loves someone again. Also Pico is very cute and hilarious! Even if again I get very annoyed at this game having so much queerbaiting, lol. I kinda laughed at the wiki saying dolce and pico were ‘like sister’, i mean seriously?? Pico is like your typical ‘looks like a child but is really 100′ love interest and dolce is the poor harem show protagonist who never asked for this XD I do like though that even if it seems dolce very much doesnt requite pico’s feelings, theyre still best friends either way. Pico’s super comedic flirting attempts seem to come off like she’s completely aware that dolce doesnt love her back, and she just wants to make some humour out of the situation to let dolce know she still cares about her even if they’re never gonna date. Its nice, we dont often see relationships like that in fiction, a childhood friend who confess a crush, gets turned down, and it actually ends positively and they remain friends. Its just a shame it had to be like... one of the few openly LGBTQ characters in the game, and nobody is ever allowed to date anybody or have a happy ending or be a romance route or even mention the word gay, even as theyre constantly being incredibly vocal about how its canon these characters have crushes on each other. gahhhhh. I mean we literally have doug and dylas proposing to each other and confessing their love but LOL HA its just a ~wacky misunderstanding~ but btw lets just rub it in that they are VERY MUCH intended to be seen as gay by the audience but theyre not ~really~ gay even when we say they are and GAHHH okay sorry im getting offtopic now :P Anyway its really sad that Pico is stuck as the same unchanging ghost child while her best friend grows up and marries someone else. And man, she had to spend all those years guarding monster form dolce until someone was able to free her, and we dont even know how pico died so her life could have even more tragedy in it. After all that I guess its a relief that she can be this comic relief jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold manzai duo partner to dolce and also like the freeloading friend on her metahphorical ghost couch. And its nice how much the doctor couple completely accept ‘dolce’s friend’ and are some of the few people who never remotely worry about her haunting the town. And then AAAAA there’s the four guardians themselves who’re like a family cos they were all people who were like family to ventuswill in different time periods, and then met each other for the first time when they were purified from their monster forms and bonded over how much they all love the same friend. And theyre such a badass quartet of cool monsterfolks!! And I like that they have lil relationships inside the quartet, like how dolce and amber are polar opposite sunshine and grumpiness but dolce secretly likes her a lot more than she lets on, and how leon likes to tease dylas but also kinda be his wingman. And I like how leon takes this role to a lot of the other batchelors too, he’s this totally shameless frat boy big brother figure XD “HEY PROTAGONIST DO YOU WANNA HEAR ABOUT DOUG’S SEX LIFE” And then aaaa doug and granny blossom AAAAAA granny blossom is probably the character who gets the least scenes, backstory, and general focus, but I still love her a lot. And they have a good dynamic together! I like that it starts off seeming like just a completely normal grandma granson relationship, but then you learn later that he’s adopted, and that he actually began as a spy for the evil empire who realized the error of his ways after infiltrating the town and finding so much love inside it. And then he’s just so scared cos blossom’s illness might bring her to an early grave, and he’s always being disobedient and rebellious because he wants to do anything to protect her even if she tells him not to put himself at risk and AAAAAA

why are there so many amazing fams and theres even so many small hints of characters who maybe only interact once or twice and then there’s room to headcanon even more fams and AAAAAA and the protagonist’s place in the complex web of fams is up to you to decide!! ITS LIKE EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED IN A GAME

oh and randomly I liked that xiao mei’s father isnt a major character in the game, but there’s not any tragic reason or anything. he’s just a travelling merchant and lin fa is very accepting of her husband being gone off on trips for long periods of time, she has every confidence he will never stray away from her and she supports him pursuing his travelling dreams! and also it was funny how his one brief appearance has him with the generic traveller 3d model, to point out how much he isnt a main character compared to his wife XD and it was just really cute how happy everyone was when he visited, and how the player accidentally helps improve their family business! and aaa the backstory story about arthur’s mother is SO DAMN SAD, and dolce’s biological parents who she left behind when she sacrificed her life, and just AAAAA even the tiny one-line-only minor fams are such quality fams FAMS GAME REVENGE OF THE FAMS