#im so sorry i struggled with figuring out the ending lol!!!

[devilmademewriteit]

Ultraviolence

pairing: raider!joel miller x fem!afab!reader

summary: thank god—a handsome stranger saves you from the grips of a pack of cruel, cruel men. unfortunately, said stranger, joel miller, is cut from the exact same cloth as the rest of them.

warnings: oh. boy. rough sex/smut (fem penetration, fingering, cum play if you squint) so 18+ only content; fem!afab!reader; raider!joel; canon typical violence; mentions of hair pulling/reader having long hair; light dacryphilia; age gap; pet names (baby, darlin’, sweetheart, girl); slapping, spanking, choking; !!!NONCON!!! (sexual violence/assault, coercion, allusions to more sexual abuse—Dead Dove, Do Not Eat y’all, protect yourselves).

word count: 4k+

no use of y/n in this fic

alright y’all!!! here is the non-con raider!joel fic!! stay tuned for the version coming out soon wherein Joel actually rescues the reader LOL join the taglist to be notified when I post it!!! y’all’s requests will quite legit be the death of me BUT this was fun to write so im not mad. this version is just purely depraved & Joel ‘Big Dick’ Miller is a mean mean man. wrote it pretty fast too so b nice 2 me.

love u all, sorry for searing your eyeballs:)

-em<3

—

The stucco prickles and tears at the flushed skin of your cheek, a reminder that it’ll be winter soon. The birds are sure of it, and most of them managed to get away before the frost stood a chance of nipping them.

You didn’t.

After a few years of non-stop struggle, losing everything but your own life, you figured there were worse ways to go. At least you would be… well—you, in the end.

In whatever shape this man and his leering group of accomplices left you in.

“Against the wall,” and his voice had been the crack of a whip, snapping by your ear as electricity shot up and down your spine, as the tingling realization that the chase was over—the jig, up—settled into your bones. “Spread your fuckin’ legs.”

There were more hounds around… waiting.

Always waiting.

They’d already gotten to your old, tattered clothes. The brisk air bites at your exposed skin, but at least the cold would account for the violent shivers wracking your limbs. Even as the beast pins you to the side of the decrepit house, forces himself between your knees, your primary preoccupation is to stifle your fear.

They’d get everything else on display—but they would never get to see that.

When the screaming starts, those confused grunts, huffs, and squelches of a blade carving into flesh, you mostly commend your own imagination:

“I did it. I’m in my happy place. This will be quick, then.”

But then a rough, unfamiliar hand grabs hold of your naked waist, flipping you around, slamming your spine against the frosty stucco.

This is real.

And you bear witness to his carnage.

He painted the side of the house into a mosaic of inter-mingling blood, splattered like a Pollock against the grass, the wrinkled clothes and the rugged face of your salvation.

His eyes rake over your still-trembling body before he wrenches a red-coated knife—never breaking eye-contact—from the throat of the man you’d been at the mercy of just a few seconds ago.

Blood gushes up from the fatal wound, and you both watch the cruel scene, mesmerized. The attacker’s eyes dull, all evil dissipating from that once-ferocious gaze. The rescuer’s big, wide hands flip him over, stripping him of his stained beige jacket. Then, he carelessly kicks the lifeless form face-down onto the yellowing grass.

“Put it on.”

You uncross your arms, snatching the coat from the stranger’s extended hands. It doesn’t bother you, its belonging to him.

He’s dead; you get his coat.

A fair exchange.

He keeps an eye on you as he sorts through the pickings: a few strips of dried meat here, a loaded gun there (two bullets in the clip—you watch as he checks), and a few good blades, stashed inside pockets, bags, and down shirt-fronts.

The man straightens up.

Tall.

“Get in front of me,” his low baritone strikes you, causing your knees to concede to a slight wobble. “You run, you die. Got it?”

Texan.

Slowly, you nod, and a firm grip circles your wrist, tearing you from the wall.

“Walk.”

Your heart hammers—near deafening in your ears—as the stranger stalks behind you, directing your trembling movements with brusque, snapped commands.

Finally, the scattered orangey-red leaves begin to multiply, the domestic remnants of a past civilization thinning. The neighborhood opens into a field; large oaks and slouching willows shiver under the weak glare of the afternoon sun.

There’s a house up there. It seems to be in alright shape (some things are built tougher than others) and it’s certainly a step up from a few of the more… unsavory places the outbreak had led you to.

Nearing it, you take not of how much it resembles a barn-house. Red, pentagonal roof, and a big, wide, brown front door.

Gingerly stepping a foot on the cracked wood of the porch, you turn to face your rescuer, uncertainty tying slippery knots in your tummy.

Because there’s clamour coming from inside. There’s people in there.

The momentary hesitation allows you to get a good look at your rescuer: he’s greying and dark—mixed, likely, or just disposed to a stubborn tan—and probably in his mid forties. Probably handsome, too, if it weren’t for the resident cruel scowl deepening his apathetic expression, or the violence dancing in his eyes.

A raise of his eyebrows.

“I tell you to stop?” He nods towards the looming house. “Move.”

But… you don’t.

“Are you gonna kill me?” and you’re downright shocked by the strength—the resignation—of your tone, the way the question comes out so matter-of-fact.

That sparse mustache crinkles in the corners, teasing into something wicked. “You want me to?”

“No.”

“So get movin’, then.”

That left little room for debate.

So, you turn, fingers and knees shaking with anxious anticipation. He cuts in front of you at the last minute, shoving the front door open with his knife at his side—for you or for something else, you’re not entirely certain.

He pulls you into the foyer by your forearm; to your great dismay, you’re faced with an entire group of middle-aged men. Killers—for sure—leering at you with that same starved, animalistic look your rescuer had fixed you with.

Then, he tosses the bag on the floor.

“Found ‘em by the school. Decent haul.”

Their eyes tilt to your shuddering frame, dwarfed by the jacket weighing down your shoulders. One of them looks strangely familiar, proud features reminding you of something else you were afraid of. “No shit, huh,” he commends, “Nice work, Joel.”

Joel.

As the shaggy-haired man speaks, his voice strikes familial resemblance, and it dawns on you. Your rescuer’s brother, or at the very least a cousin.

And what he says is a clearly marked taunt. That much is clear. Uttered with the kind of cruel camaraderie which collected on the tongues of men who committed acts of violence together.

Who hunted together.

And it’s obvious you’re not being rescued. Just… reclaimed. Redistributed.

Fuck.

Another voice joins the mix. “How much you think y’could get for her?”

Joel’s profile turns, harsh, brutal lines forming as he assesses you. “Depends,” and then—ohmothermary—he smirks.

“Gonna have to test her out first.”

A few snickers.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

You’re trapped with nowhere to go, once again surrounded by a gaggle of soulless monsters. Fear grips you, but thankfully, it’s muted, now, having been mostly expended during the harrowing events of the morning.

Just an hour ago, pressed to the side of an abandoned house, you’d allowed yourself to give up.

So, it feels easy—natural—settling back into that rhythm.

To submit to your inevitable, violent fate.

Joel’s voice cuts through the clamour of your racing thoughts. “Upstairs, the room with the open door. Go.”

Eyes glued to the floor, you put one foot in front of the other, your insides twisting and turning inside your core. Fuck, you can feel the pairs of eyes following you with every step you take. The stairs creak as your weight presses into them, squealing like wounded prey.

“N’ take that fuckin’ jacket off,” Joel calls after you, the echoes of his booming voice and the group’s degrading laughter chasing you all the way up into the room—the one with the open door.

And it’s nice, surprisingly. Dusty, admittedly, and clearly having belonged to someone else—a long, long time ago—but the bed is made, the window lets the light in, and the walls remind you of cinnamon.

No, this wouldn’t be the worst prison. Or the worst place to die. It’s a sure-fire step up from the gutter between two dilapidated houses.

You keep the jacket on, shivering under its weight. Even as you hear footsteps climbing the stairs, even as the more rational, civilized side of your mind urges you to accede to your (non)rescuer’s every command.

The conversation downstairs dies off just as Joel rounds the corner, appearing in the doorway—a giant. Though your stomach lurches, and though your legs feel like putty, you hold your ground.

“I’ll fight, you know,” you hiss, watching him seal off the entrance to the room behind him. His flannel has droplets of blood on the collar—reminders of your previous captor—would your other attacker have been a better option? Who’d be more merciful to your quivering body?

You charge your voice with every last modicum of strength at your disposal. “I’ll fight.”

He turns, smirking softly at your clenched fists. “S’good, sweetheart. I like a little fight.” He stalks towards you, swiping his thumb along the plushness of his bottom lip, his intimidating presence forcing your back to meet the flat hardness of the wall behind you.

So much for fighting.

There’s nothing living in his eyes as he says it—nothing save the roiling flames of hunger: “You see those guys downstairs?”

You glare up at him, trying not to notice the alluring hook of his nose, or the way your body works against you, responding to the earthy smell of him.

Then, you nod, wordlessly.

“Did you count ‘em?” He splays a hand beside your head, using one hand to pry your arms uncrossed.

Again, you nod. “How many?” He asks, his voice deceptively soft.

“Five.” Breathless.

“S’right, sweetheart. Ever had your lil’ holes stuffed by five guys at once?”

A swallow, and your voice cracks when you’re finally able to put it to use. “No.”

He pries your elbows to your sides, pulling the beige fabric open, revealing the torn remains of your underwear.

It’s almost a croon, feigned concern underpinning his low tone. “You wanna see what it’s like?” He drinks in the sight of your bare chest, almost groaning at the sight of your naked front.

It’s not cold anymore; no, suddenly you’re very hot.

“No, please, no.”

He slips the coat off of your shoulders, letting it fall in a heap to the ground. He assesses you once more: studying every square inch of your skin under his shadowed eyes.

“M’only gonna say this once, sweetheart.” All that fake-gentleness fades from his tone, replaced by the sadistic, authoritative timbre he’d first greeted you with. “I need you to be very careful.”

You’re frozen—all that fight, it drains out of you, captivated by the raider’s looming form, his mesmerizing speech.

“You’re alone, yeah?” A nod, which he acknowledges, trailing a hand up the length of your waist. “S’what I thought. N’ the way I found you today? That’s a best-case-scenario for a girl like you, out here on your own.”

He drags a finger up the centre of your breast, skilled fingertips just barely brushing the peaked nipple. You lean into his touch—the near imperceptible arch of your back doesn’t go unnoticed, and you kick yourself internally as the corners of his lips twitch up.

Still, the raider ignores your trembling.

“You’re mine, now,” he continues, egged on by your involuntary movement. “Means you’re gonna be a good girl n’ do as I say, n’ I’ll make sure I’m the only man who touches you.” His big hand drops to his heavy silver buckle, and the clearly defined, bulging lines underneath it have your heart clawing out of your chest. Joel senses your fear—and it only makes him harder. “I don’t like sharin’ what’s mine, y’know? But you try anything—you step outta line—I’ll throw you to my guys downstairs.”

His hand finds your throat, hunger and warning beating to the same rhythm in his gaze. “I have no problem watching.” He gives your larynx a squeeze, multitasking as he pulls the strap of his belt through the worn loops of his denim. “Understood?”

You have no words left, shaking from head to toe as the reality of the situation finally settles in.

As he works the intimidating weight of his cock out of his jeans.

A huff. Joel flips you over, impatient, pressing your scraped up cheek to the cinnamon-brown of the wall.

Déjà vù.

Your knees are separated by his own, and his weight flattens you. He wastes no time: lining himself up, his tip separates your folds. Resistance is futile—with one hand, he holds your thighs open—even as they try to press themselves closed, even as you whimper at the rough, male knuckles pressed to bruise on the insides of your legs.

Leaving his mark.

It’s not an option to simply take it. Joel forces you to participate in the sinful act: “I asked you a fuckin’ question,” he growls, gripping your chin indelicately. “You understand me, girl?”

A swallow and a flinch as you feel the head of his cock poke at your entrance. “Yes. Okay. Yes.”

“Yes, Joel,” he corrects. “Use my name. You’re mine now. Use my fuckin’ name.”

Tears prick the corners of your eyes at the promised savagery in his tone. Holding back a sob, you respond: “Yes, Joel.”

You watch his hand, large and capable, splaying out a mere inch away from the tip of your nose. “Good,” he commends. “Z’are the only fuckin’ words you know, from now on.”

His free hand slaps against your hip, yanking you down onto his hard length. Your hips buck up against his abdomen, responding to the pull of his fingertips, even as you cry out at the sting, the stretch. The raider tries to force himself between your walls—muttering a grunted “shit”—and thrusting up against your ass.

But you’re too tight, too tense, and your stubborn body refuses to open up for him. Finally listening to you.

“Relax,” he orders, surprisingly softly. He moves his hand from your hip to the apex of your thighs, rubbing rough circles against your clit. Fuck, how’d he find it so fast? You gasp at the feel of his fingertips against your most sensitive, touch-starved spot, hating yourself for the way his pressure makes you feel.

Because…

Because—fuck.

It feels… good. The man knows exactly what he’s doing—methodical in his ministrations, prepping you only enough to ensure his own eventual pleasure. “S’too tight, baby,” he breathes against your neck, “Need to loosen up for me, yeah?”

He’s not gentle. No part of it is gentle. Nonetheless, pleasure ripples through your centre and down your thighs as he effectively turns you on.

“Thaaaaaa’s right,” and his voice is mocking and taunting and degrading as he drags his digits away, grabbing and pulling at your breasts, instead. Feeling the involuntary release of your cunt, Joel finally pushes himself in, sheathing the long, thick length of his cock inside you.

“Need to show this pussy what it’s fuckin’ made for.”

A current of pain flutters up your cunt just as he fills it up to the brim. You can’t help it—your stoicism crumbles to dust—and a soft, scared, pained whimper tumbles from your lips.

And he groans at it, thrusting roughly, over and over again. And again. “Hurts, does it?”

His breath is hot against your ear, and despite the fear, the ancient instincts gripping your bones, telling you to run, run, run, fight, fight, fight—it’s… enticing.

Hot.

“It hurts.”

He laughs, low and dark, bringing his hands to circle your hips, steadying you as you stumble on your tip-toes.

“Cry about it.”

And he keeps on going, tearing you open. The way his girth touches every starved part of your insides leaves you wanting, even despite the sting of his fingernails biting into your hips, the tears and cuts stinging at your opening.

You hate yourself for it.

But you clench around him, stifling a pathetic moan.

God, no—I am not enjoying this.

He breathes another laugh. “Feelin’ full, baby? Tell me how good it feels, c’mon,” and your inhalations come in heaves as he pounds into you, delivering a harsh slap to the side of your hip, hard enough for your skin to ripple from the contact. “Do as I say.”

When you refuse to sate him, swallowing all of your little noises, Joel grips your throat, bringing your head slamming against his shoulder. Your back arches into a perfect crescent, spine contorting at his will. A gasped cry fans out against his salt-and-pepper jaw.

A sob—of fear, of frustration, of reluctant pleasure. “You’re evil.”

The grip on your throat tightens, and he looses another laugh, squeezing your skin, muscles, and tendons oh-so-tight.

You’d be wrecked, bruised—branded—come sunrise.

“Yeah?” He groans, cock slamming up into your very guts.

“M-mhmm—” and the saltwater tears start pouring, trailing glistening slopes down your cheeks in long, long lines. Distantly, you hear his answer—“Yeah, well, you’re wet”—as those silver droplets keep on falling. Where they come from, you aren’t certain; of course, the terror, the physical torture, and the frustration at your entrapment contribute to the mess under your eyes.

But that warmth… the unbridled desire radiating between your thighs… that wasn’t helping, either.

“Fuuuuck,” he groans, muttering another “S’it—s’right,” and releasing your throat to tilt your head up to face him. He drinks in his creation, the ruined sight of your tear-stricken face, and his cock swells between your beaten walls. “God, you look so fuckin’ pretty takin’ it from me—cryin’ like your lil’ pussy ain’t desperate for this.”

Joel smiles when you sob.

It goes on for a while. He doesn’t tire quickly, bringing you right up to the edge of reluctant ecstasy before you remind yourself of the hatred you owed the man fucking into you. You get used to the sound of his hips snapping against your skin, your cries mingling with his gravelly, low grunts. It’s a dirty, depraved symphony—orchestrated by the monster between your thighs.

You can’t help the moan that escapes your lips when he finally, finally brings his fingers back down between your legs. He grunts in approval, barely grazing the length of your folds, pressing his thumb into the delicate flesh of your thigh, instead. “Dirty lil’ girl—fuckin’ dyin’ to be an old man’s whore, z’that it?” and he doesn’t even touch you, focussed on his own pleasure, but the proximity alone is enough to have you wrecked.

And you just can’t help it: “J-joel—”

“Y’know,” he chuckles, slightly out of breath, slowing his strokes to address your wanton whine, “You’re gonna make such a good lil’ fuck-toy, baby, f’you keep makin’ those pretty lil’ noises for me.”

The reality of the situation comes barrelling down on you as he acknowledges—praises—your enjoyment of his torture.

This man… this man was cruel. He was hurting you, and enjoying it.

You struggle against him, a pathetic show of weakness. Joel holds you in place effortlessly, arching your back further, keeping your hips preened back to receive the harsh thrusts he delivers to your torn, ruined cunt. “Where you goin’?” He laughs at your pathetic attempt at resistance, grips tightening. “Thought we were havin’ fun, baby—don’t it feel good?”

And he quickens again, slamming into every needy spot inside you. His breaths grow shallow, as rough as his hands and the ferocity of this punishment.

“No,” you manage, fingernails digging into his forearm.

He tuts, the vocal click constricted with lust, and his hand travels the length of you, settling against that aching bud between your thighs. “Fuckin’ liar.”

He presses down, proving his point. Your entire body tenses as pleasure ripples through you—despite your best efforts, climax crests through your core, threatening to implode within you. Joel hums, smirking when he feels your legs parting even wider.

“S’mine now, alright? You’re mine now.” He crams every inch of his cock up inside you, pulling you flush against his chest. “S’okay to come for me—s’okay, baby, I want you to—s’fuckin’ right, let go for me, baby—” and his crooning takes you over the edge.

Christ, it feels so good.

You clench around him, high-pitched pleas and moans tumbling from your lips, his own pair dragging down the swoop of your ear. In that split second, Joel—the devil at your back—is your favourite thing in the world: your hero, your haven, your God. Fuck, you could just kiss him, marry him, fuck him over and over and over and over—

A hand clamps over your mouth during those brief, blissful moments; the man practically bounces you up and down the length of him, muffling the cries of pain and pleasure tearing from your sore throat against the rough skin of his palm. He groans inside your ear—a stammered, sinful “fuuuck”—and then he’s spilling his seed inside you, shoving it impossibly deep as those quick, harsh strokes stutter and slow.

You come to, waking up from your pleasure-drunk daze. Before you get the opportunity to wriggle away from him, the monster flips you over again, slamming your shoulders to the wall. With his forearm barring your chest, and despite your fear and ire—somehow, all you can think about is the fact that he’s not as out of breath as he really should be (given his age and, of course, what he’d just done to you).

Joel leaks out of you. His cum paints masterpieces down your legs.

He slides his free hand down the length of his cock, collecting the last bits of slick clinging to him and not dripping out of you. The intermingling juices are brought to the roundness of your breasts—the raider slathers your sore peaks with his own spend.

“Nobody’s gonna fuck with you—but that means you’re Joel’s girl. Hear me?” With your head bowed, you glare up at him through silver-lined spider lashes, shame beating at your cheeks. When you hum your acknowledging “uh-huh,” the stranger continues on, gripping your jaw to angle your gaze up: “Means you listen—you-you don’t fuckin’ try me—n’ you take everything I give you, every fuckin’ time. Understand?” He tucks his softening length back in his pants, dark eyes dancing with satisfaction as he leers at your destroyed form.

When you don’t respond, he brings the back of his punishing hand colliding with the side of your face.

Something between a squeal and a gasp tumbles from your lips; Joel catches it, placing the pad of his thumb to your bottom lip, pressing down. Your cheek stings from his harsh slap, delivered on top of the scrapes and wounds a different cruel man had left upon your skin.

“I don’t wanna hurt you, baby, but I will f’I have to,” and he’s earnest, commanding and pleading at once. “You gotta answer me.”

Slowly, you croak out a timid, “Yes,” and an “I understand,” followed by a final “Joel.”

Nodding, he straightens, the violence in his gaze fading just minutely. When he lets go, you stagger—the raider senses the instability of your knees, reflexively snaking a steadying arm around your waist.

You’re not sure where the impulse comes from. Perhaps it’s exhaustion, the aftermath of your orgasm, or maybe it’s just a sick, twisted desire to sink into something beyond your body—either way, you respond to Joel’s support by throwing your arms around his neck.

And he responds by lifting you, walking you over to the bed, and tossing you down on the sheets. Awakening into reality, you scamper back, grabbing and yanking at the surrounding bedding in a desperate attempt to cover yourself.

But Joel pays you no mind.

Having had his way, he’s through with you—for now. Nonchalantly, apathetically, he runs a hand through his hair, tracing heavy steps towards the door.

“Lock the door when I leave,” he instructs, but his tone is soft… possessive and commanding, yes, but… caring. “Don’t open it for anyone but me.”

He waits for your show of understanding, your near imperceptible nod.

Then, he sighs, yanking on the handle and giving you his final address over a pair of creaky, squeaky, rusted hinges. “Try to sleep, sweetheart—got a long night ahead of you.” Chuckling to himself, he leaves the sanctuary of the room.

All you can hear as your body grows heavy and warm, travelling somewhere far, far beyond this violent world are the echoes of male laughter down the hall, and a familiar, satisfied, gravelly voice:

“Not worth much, now. Might just fuckin’ keep her.”

And you slip away, dreaming of belt buckles, blood-stained collars, and the lung-squeezing heat of the setting Texan sun.

—

He used to call me DN

That stood for deadly nightshade

'Cause I was filled with poison

But blessed with beauty and rage

Jim told me that

He hit me and it felt like a kiss

Jim brought me back

Reminding me of when we were kids

With his ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

I can hear sirens, sirens

He hit me and it felt like a kiss

I can hear violins, violins

Give me all of that ultraviolence

He used to call me poison

Like I was poison ivy

I could've died right then

'Cause he was right beside me

Jim raised me up

He hurt me but it felt like true love

Jim taught me that

Loving him was never enough

With his ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

I can hear sirens, sirens

He hit me and it felt like a kiss

I can hear violins, violins

Give me all of that ultraviolence

We can go back to New York

Loving you was really hard

We could go back to Woodstock

Where they don't know who we are

Heaven is on earth

I would do anything for you, babe

Blessed is this union

Crying tears of gold, like lemonade

I love you the first time

I love you the last time

Yo soy la princesa, comprende mis white lines

'Cause I'm your jazz singer

And you're my cult leader

I love you forever

I love you forever

With his ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

Ultraviolence

I can hear sirens, sirens

He hit me and it felt like a kiss

I can hear violins, violins

Give me all of that ultraviolence

—

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TAGS WILL CONTINUE IN A REBLOG (there are simply too many of you & I don’t want this post to crash <3)

[satoruhour]

a/n: uururgghghh im starting to struggle to write i swear the next one will be a fluff one. pt.2 to this

warnings: long piece, sugar daddy!au, discussions of kinks including daddy kink, filming, cockwarming, creampies / breeding kink, public sex, exhibitionism, oral (f and m receiving), phone sex, fingering, cumshots, praise, somnophilia, handjobs, size kink, lingerie, let me know if i missed anything, n*sfw under the cut

✶ NANAMI

nanami is an interesting sugar daddy. he thinks it’s bc the opportunity came so randomly that he didn’t know what to do, so he’s new to this as you’re new to him, not expecting the man to show up when you had sent a drunk email to a craigslist listing

it was amusing seeing your email, but he could tell there was at least a bit of need for some monetary assistance when u sent it in because yes, you were drunk but also the type of honest drunk that reminded him of a certain friend… you literally spelt it all out for nanami in the email

and you explicitly remember sinking into your hands when you listened to your friend to go ahead with the meeting and nanami’s small amused smile, knowing way more things about you on your first meeting just from the message

you’re nanami’s first sugar baby, so tbh he doesnt know what to expect, but if he were to actually choose, he wouldnt want a sugar baby, like geto, who is too used to being indulged and spoiled. he needs gratitude or a thank you when he buys you things and he’s okay if youre picky, just not too bc then it’s like impossible to please you

he reluctantly asks gojo about it later on and he is so annoying while explaining to nanami about sugar babies and stuff, but gojo made some pretty good points, shoving a picture of his own sugar baby into nanami’s face with a laugh and then nanami immediately leaves LMFAO

i’d say nanami is pretty lenient though, just strict about what you spend money on sometimes. like if you’re buying a 2024 diary for you to journal, he’s just going to stare at you because he KNOWS you will not keep that journal up lol (sorry to the those who like to journal ahhdhfner)

or like buying those weird expensive snacks with new, experimental flavours only for it to taste like shit and nanami has to gulp down two glasses of water after eating a bbq flavoured chocolate bar

ok im aware this would work even if he wasn’t ur sugar daddy but just pretend

nanami learns the ins and outs for caring about a sugar baby pretty fast, wiring you an allowance everyday and bringing you to events occasionally, but more importantly figuring out your boundaries and how this relationship would go about

it started off purely transactional at first, but then he starts to imagine meeting up more with you, taking you places. it happens against his will for him bc he’s seen these types of relationships fall apart, and he hates opening up to ppl in the first place. but then one day you’re telling him youre meeting with someone from university and he gets so annoyed the next time you meet up

turns out you were hoping he’d do something about it, and he did

like gojo, he wants to be a good boyfriend as he is being your sugar daddy

although he’s very stoic, you know he cares for you when he does small things like buying you the right kinds of pads, paying silently for the dinner when he goes to the “toilet”, finding jobs with you because he doesnt mind if you want to earn ur own money, occasionally buying you little things he finds in high-end stores that are not clothes that reminds him of you.

he doesn’t mind the minor dent in his account after treating you, bc he knows you’re content with already needing money for university. the extra gifts are just a bonus and it warms your heart when he does all these small things

gives you money like semi-often!! he knows you dont spend it impulsively so he spreads out the times he gives you your allowance 

being his sugar baby is sooo classy like you have gotten so many tight black dresses for events that sometimes you cant find things to wear to the grocery store

goes ALL out for anniversaries always, buying you matching necklaces where he takes the other half, bouquets of flowers, that pair of earrings you were looking at the storefront

oh yea he’s always buying you bouquets, you have no idea where to put them

he’s better with larger, wearable gifts as opposed to gojo’s type of small trinket gift giving, but just like gojo he also loves getting you an initial necklace, but just for the sole purpose of showing that you belong to him. it’s cute, he finds himself staring at the N.K. on your neck every time you meet up 

nanami loves his suits, but he is TERRIBLE at dressing out of them. mismatched patterns, ugly ass shoes, please save him

he lets you drag him to buy some clothes for him but whatever he swears he just looks like a grandpa. maybe it’s bc of his light coloured hair

very good at giving pointers for your style tho, so he smiles when he sees you pick a dress bc he said so, a hand dipping down to your ass to squeeze briefly

loves when you visit him in the office whenever you have no classes for the day, a cute sundress on as you bring his lunch like a cute lil wife.

he values privacy a lot and doesnt like to open up at times, so it takes a while for him to properly let you in in his insecurities and doubts. it happens at first when you realise nanami doesnt call you the various pet names he does when around ppl he knows and you bring it up and it escalated into a whole argument

you were just so close to leaving to give him his space but then he starts slowly about having people leave him before and he doesnt want to mess this shit up again. he feels you deserve better, but you told him he is better

with that, u were able to deepen ur bond, but also it allowed nanami to allow a person in his life again, letting your things take over his bathroom space and living room

the first time he considers buying a ring is when you hang off his arm and interact kindly with his clients and fellow CEOs, ignoring the strange pull of his heart. it’s like you understand the importance of

these events, and even though through knowing you and how you didnt exactly favour crowded places, you still put yourself through it

you have to catch your breath later in the bathroom and nanami’s outside, worried as hell and you tell him youre fine, but he’s not having it so u roll your eyes and exit the bathroom, shocked to see his usually calm face turned into an expression of anxiety

he says that you both will leave immediately and you protest but all he does is shake his head and drive you back. needless to say you had so much more fun watching stupid romcoms and cuddling until youre waking up in the morning to something poking you in the back and there’s this adorable flush that overcomes nanami’s cheeks lol

n*sfw hc’s below

doesnt like to jerk off normally. if he does it’s usually morning wood or after seeing a beautiful woman but he just. doesnt get those desires and the need for release. that doesnt mean hes not good at sex or whatever. hes had his days during uni and stuff, but ever since he’s started work it’s been so busy he really has no time whatsoever

sex life with nanami is sweet yet unpredictable. youve always started out slow and sensual mainly because he doesnt want to hurt you or go too roughly but one day youre bringing up how to make ur sex life more exciting and he went “i couldve done this the whole time?”

you had the best night of your life that night jus sayin!!!!

we have established this thru the fandom but nanami is a pleasure dom when it comes to you, not quite like geto who likes watching you do the work. nanami has to give you the pleasure himself

he’s eaten you out more times than youve fucked and he’s really done it everywhere. he has done it under the table when youre on a call for your class. he’s done it at event bathrooms, he’s done it at night in the park. 

NOW. nanami is not big on public sex but then he sees you bend over during your picnic to catch the plastic bag and the wind blew up ur skirt and he saw ur cute little pussy under …. he couldnt resist it

likes the the possibility of getting caught, and it’s obvious you might because you r soooo wet every time he flicks at your clit

he only does it if he gets to eat you out, and if hes really needy, he’ll grant you a quickie but other than that he can hold himself back - plus you deserve better than to be bent over a bathroom sink

also loves breeding you, unprotected sex all da way. likes the way it seeps out of you and your shivers when you feel him fill you up. would get a vasectomy for you considering how much he looooves to cum deep in you

regarding the kinks you may have brought up to him it’s just hoping he’d be rougher, maybe even try some degradation, you even discussed he could use you when youre sleeping if he wanted to. other things include phone sex and the use of toys, but you mentioned that as long as you were both comfy there could always be a fun time

and bro loved it. u realise he’s only ever focused on praise on most days but when he’s stressed from work he always takes it out on you and you fuckin love it lol.

youve done it over the phone a few times but he thinks he prefers to do a video call better, but the first time he wanted to he didnt know how to switch the call from an audio to a video one and you had already came lmaoooo

you were giggling once nanami grumbled over the receiver, but you helped him easily just by talking bout how youd ride him or how youd suck his cock

10/10 that experience and being with you made him be more open to blowjobs more often, not that he didnt before! but hes always been putting you first that hes never thought much abt his own pleasure <3

warning for drabble: consensual somnophilia, no foreplay, mating press, nanami is a little rough, brief fingering and cunnilingus, clit stimulation, unprotected sex, creampie / breeding kink

nanami comes home to your sleeping figure, calm and even breaths leaving your person with a small smile on your face and all he can do is coo, running a hand up your thigh before preparing to carry you, not expecting that when you open your legs, he sees the centre of your pants harbouring a darker, wet spot, pussy lips pulled taunt from how tight your pants were.

and the man immediately chokes back a moan, remembering the conversation after he had used you to your limit on the kitchen counter, scratching on the smooth marble surface while your face was smushed up against the flat surface. with a little grin, you wished he let out his frustrations on you more, even when you were sleeping — and what better time now that his head was close to popping a vein with how incompetent his workers were?

a moan distracts nanami’s thoughts, and among the unintelligible noises you make, he can figure out how you’re probably dreaming, cock hardening once he hears that you w’nna be filled. that is enough reason for him to unbuckle his pants with a relieved sigh, the cold air on his length making him hiss as he peels his underwear off him, length hitting his torso from how hard he was.

“you don’t know what you do t’me, baby,” nanami mumbles, pumping his cock with slow strokes before swiping your pants to the side, lightheaded from just how wet you seem to be. he drags his cock along your folds, collecting your slick on his leaking tip that mixes with the pre-cum and he groans at how you seem to drip more just from that gesture, inching his fat cock into your pliant cunt without much trouble.

you’re so tight, sucking him in the moment he’s sheathed in you until he bottoms out and you’re whining louder now, still bordering on the line of consciousness and unconsciousness. you’re clenching around him so hard that he struggles to move, until he’s feeling you grasp his arm with fatigue in your eyes.

“use me, kento—” nanami grunts at those words, pulling out just to slam back into you and the slutty moan that leaves you cuts through your slumber because nanami’s deeper than he’s ever been in you. your eyes crack open at your boyfriend who’s currently fucking into you, hips moving at a speed faster usual and you cry out when his tip kisses your cervix just barely. 

“feel so fuckin’ good, just let me use you like a cocksleeve, alright?” nanami groans out, taking your legs and pressing them to your chest and the change in position makes you whine, hitting your spots so well now that you’re in a mating press. from here nanami is hypnotised with the way your juices collect on his length, the squelching noises of your sopping cunt only fuelling him on. “who’s making you feel this good, baby?”

there’s tears that linger at your waterline, struggling to even get out a coherent sentence when you’re babbling incomplete sentences and nanami smiles at the drool leaving the corners of your mouth. “you— you a-are— oh my god!”

“rub your clit for me, doll,” nanami whispers out, already feeling his orgasm approaching from how snug you were around him, and the feeling of your fingers massaging languid circles into your clit makes him grunt, and soon after that nanami cums with a loud moan, so vulnerable in that moment that his deep voice goes up a pitch as he releases in you, hot cum spilling into your womb.

you mewl from the feeling but you’re left empty when he removes his cock and dips down to latch his mouth onto your clit, shoving his fingers into your gaping hole to keep you filled. nanami sucks on your bundle of nerves until you cum with a cry of his name, toes curling on his shoulder as your slick drips down his hand. “messy, messy baby,” nanami grins, popping his fingers into his mouth before he spreads your pussy, seeing the mixture of your cum and his leak out, “let’s get you cleaned up, hm?”

✶ TOJI

toji is an all rounded sugar daddy!!! boyfriend.. not so much he is a man who values work and does it well but he gets engrossed in it too much

preferences for a sugar baby vary bc theres a lot of factors involved. it’s not just one thing that he feels will dictate if he likes you as a sugar baby or not but the one important thing he doesnt like is when you dont pull your weight? if that makes sense

like not knowing what you want in life is perfectly fine but if youre just sitting on your ass and expecting money to come in it’s irksome to him, especially when hes worked his ass off to get to where he is today

he also likes it if you have a smart, snarky mouth. it amuses him seeing you flip the finger at him or tell some worker in his company off for commenting on your skimpy outfit

you two met in university. when he was younger he used to work as a professor, but now bc hes the CEO of a big company, he’s only able to handle adjunct jobs

basically he helped you out of a shitty house and stress from not having enough money, that causes you not to do your best in classes and he’s so glad he took a chance on you because he’s never seen you so bright before in class. but he couldnt stay much after taking over a CEO position, so he left in the middle of your second year

pleasantly surprised when he gets an email one day thanking him for the stuff he did for you, offers u a job at his company and from then on he says how he’d like to take care of you despite you finishing school

it also starts out as transactional but one day youre asking to meet in his office to ask why youre getting special treatment and youre telling him it’s not necessary when youre working for him now. “nonsense. i want to take care of you.”

his feelings slipped on a late night when he was working overtime and you stayed up too in order to see toji. you wouldnt admit to yourself but you liked him too. a little more than your usual crush bc ohhh lord have you seen his physique

and he comes out to see you still working and comes to annoy you and just gives you a fat stack of money out of nowhere??? hes bad with words ok

he says i mean it and waits for you to make the first move, but you dont and hes leaning forward to give you a soft kiss. ppl were confused as to why the lights of an office were still on at 3am while you were making out needily on his desk and he pulls insane orgasm after orgasm from you that day

hes a doting man, softened by the years of ageing but he works too much. it’s all he ever knows when you’re on his office couch begging him to go home.

will usually buy in lunch bc hes lazy to get it but sometimes youll cook and bring it to him too.

loves to treat you randomly, but theyre always gifts that you’re confused about bc he hasnt bought a gift for a woman in years so the first time he gifts you an air fryer (not sure why i have an obsession w/ air fryers lately) youre like ???? wtf am i supposed to do with this

and he tells you it’s u have easy access to lunch or dinner without leaving your dorms and youre like “honey i graduated already???” and he’s like oh. oh yea

poor guy did this to himself bc hes so deep in work so he doesnt see you often. he probsbly got mixed up with the days where he would meet you in between meetings and he just was there to accompany you on ur study sesh. he liked watching you study, and it would take a while for him to admit he’s actually liked you way before he offered you a job

toji gets better with giving gifts i swear. and he does it, he lovesss to order things and make the delivery man walk up to your desk with a dior box full of clothing

but sometimes he wishes he could do something more meaningful. he likes to give you SIMPLE handmade gifts. sometimes he gets so frustrated bc his fingers r so big so theyre usually easy to complete things. they’re not like of milestones or memories or photos though, more of silly things like paper rings or a paper fortune teller.

writes. a lot, more than geto. he writes more than makes gifts, and his handwriting is so messy sometimes you dont know what hes saying, but he finds that words on paper is much easier for him than voicing it out (this makes me want to write this me thinks)

so you spend a whole afternoon trying to make out what he’s saying like a detective and when sleep catches up to you he can only smile at your deciphering questions like u were trying to solve a cipher and writes you almost got this line right lolol

looks really good in suits but needs to go shopping often bc sometimes he works out too hard and his shoulders grow again at this point he should continually donate his blazers to thrift stores

sometimes he gives them to you as a jacket of some sort and he tries not to twitch from how small u look in them. the attraction goes both ways, and he wants to cuddle you up and also fuck you silly in it

always wearing that tight shirt of his that never rlly fits him. kinda mediocre and repetitive fit — he’s not exactly interested in fashion

loves to treat you to things. loves to spoil you and see you wearing the things he bought for you, but theyre more casual clothes that he spoils you with. man likes one (1) dress and he’s hoping you wear that dress of the rest of your life lol

toji buys you lingerie just to rip it. i swear :/ youre like that was the last one on the rack!!!! and hes just “ill just commission the designer to make another” like you can do that

and he says im actually not sure. oh speaking of commissions he loves to pay for custom pieces or clothing for you. he knows what he wants for you, and he backs off if you dont like it but seeing something he envisioned on your beautiful body — he just loves it

i said at the start that toji’s not that much of a boyfriend but he tries a lot. you can see he’s trying his best to make time for you in between work but it just. doesnt happen unfortunately. he works on the weekends too so sometimes your dates are compromised

youve thought before if it were to return to it being a platonic arrangement but it hurts your heart to think of that after everything youve been through. but this has been a recurring thing that’s been happening, brought up frequently in arguments as well

it was when he had a business trip on the week of your anniversary that the nail finally hit and youre bringing it up again and he knew he couldnt escape it this time bc you were close to crying when usually you dont. does this shit mean nothing to you? did you offer to pay everything for me just to throw me to the side like you always do?

the moment you see he has nothing to say bc he knows it’s true, youre leaving to get some air and it’s the first time he really understands that he wants to keep you for life that he’s making arrangements to give everyone a raise so theyd work better. and then hes taking time off work for a week

he’s still waiting worriedly for you late at night and your friend just gives toji an unimpressed look and gives you to him, breath laced with alcohol and obvious tear stains on your cheeks and he wants to die bc he was the cause of that

he feels so guilty but for now he kisses your forehead and gets you into a clean set of clothes before laying beside you to hug you close to him. in the morning youre hungover and feel like shit and youre letting toji pat your back and giving you a warm cup of water until you’re going arent you supposed to be at work????? and your boyfriend sighs and brings you into his lap, apologising into your neck as he hugs you

toji admits he hasnt been the best and is willing to do whatever it takes for you to be convinced again and you just stay like that, exchanging slow kisses and a warm embrace, unaware that there’s already an idea of putting a ring on you in toji’s mind

n*sfw hc’s below

toji loves your pussy !!!! ohh my god after that whole situation youve had more opportunities now. he had eaten you out before in his office, fucked you there but was always threatened by time. not that he cared but hes had enough of clients backing out on him so you suggested he go into meetings earlier

it came to bite you back in the ass cause you end up being horny for him multiple times and youve only able to bribe him out of meetings successfully like three times

loves any part of your body on his cock. making out? give him a handjob. eating dinner? play footsies with him and use ur feet to massage his dick. in a meeting? BLOW HIM !!!!!

another one who loves to cum on your face, but sometimes he likes to cum on your chest and tits and when you grab his cock to smother the cum on you >>>>>

he was surprised the first time you crawled under his table a minute before his meeting started and he already knew what you had in mind. he was clearly excited, getting hard almost instantly and had to mask the redness on his face with a hand

toji coughs when you first unbuckle his pants and he’s listening in to a coworker pitch a business idea, trying to keep his composure when your mouth first encloses around his tip. and u have the gall to giggle omg? he cums so hard that time he realises hes the only one left in the zoom meeting after and the other made sure to teach you a lesson after, fucking you until everything on his desk ended up on the floor. he’d have to call the company contractor to cover up the scratch marks on the floor ehehe

obsessed with how much bigger he is compared to you, always towering over your person and he has to resist manhandling you when you place an innocent hand on his forearm and ask him a question

LOVES to send you dick pics. and his are the ones where he actually knows how to pose, like palming his bulge in sweatpants when hes home and youre not

takes a pic of his actual dick under the table at work and alludes to the time you gave him a bj 

his pictures are actually SO hot that youre immediately calling him up just to talk to him

you always end up getting off yourself too though, the raspy voice comin from your phone enough to make you cum

before, exchanging lewd messages and pics were a norm but now if he needs you he’s asking his driver to drive you back to his house STAT. bro needs to be in you asap

he once left an event where he was supposed to be presented with some award just bc you sent a very lovely pic of you in the dark green lingerie you bought on his black card

he fucked you so well that night you knocked out immediately and he had to clean you up, all lovestruck and soft

leans into the ‘daddy’ thing pretty okay, but hes okay if you dont use it either

agrees to be in suggestive tiktoks where they show off their man only to do something totally inappropriate so now that vid is kept in your priv collection bc it ended up being extended and became a vid of you holding your front camera up to your face with tongue lolled out and profanities leaving your mouth

he takes the phone later from you to film how his cock moves in and out of you yyuuuummm he loves it

like gojo, loves to video you because sometimes he goes on long business trips and he needs to have something to jerk off to

his favourite is when you’re on your back and he’s filming your pussy taking his fat cock, folds spreading so nicely while his cum from earlier forms a white ring around the base of his cock oh god he watches that over and over

also loves cumming in you but more of the thought of marking you compared to knocking you up

cockwarming aahhahsddj it’s one of his other favourite things to do, hiking your skirt and tears your pantyhose, sinking you down on his aching length and he just loves the wrap of your pussy around him. trust me he’s trying not to thrust up into you but youre breaking down easily and he hisses every time you shift just a little

warnings for drabble: cockwarming, daddy kink, semi-public sex (toji’s on a call and the person on the line hears), riding, clit stimulation, calls you ‘slut’, unprotected sex, creampie / breeding kink

“c’mon, tojiii, just for a while?” you pout, tugging on his arm with big doe eyes, smiling to yourself when he just sighs and mutters out a fine.

toji can’t help but smile either way, receiving the peck on your cheek with heated cheeks, but now he smiles wholeheartedly, his hard cock buried in you while you struggle not to move. there’s wireless buds in his ears, stuck in the middle of a meeting while your face is hidden in his neck, soft pants leaving your mouth.

you’re thankful the camera isn’t on at least, but you’re still at risk with the small sounds you make, trying to focus on anything but the pulsing large cock in you. you already regret asking for this when you knew he had a meeting coming up with the thought of making him crave for you. instead it happens the other way around, you begging him to move with your hips while he calmly puts his hands on them, rubbing circles into your back like it helped.

but you don’t care, not when you’re filled to the brim like this and you can’t move, so slowly you start to roll your hips, grinding onto his pelvis and you can hear toji exhale shakily, voice still firm as he agrees ro the budget the client proposed. his hand holds the back of your neck and pulls you from the embrace, setting his eyes on you with a warning but you only can shrug, lifting your hips before dropping down on his cock.

“angel…” he mutes the microphone, the man droning on about numbers and profits making his head spin when his pretty girl was deliberately ignoring his warnings, but he couldn’t blame you with how your hot, tight pussy felt around him. toji assumed his plea of that simple name he liked to call you was enough, but when he unmutes his mic, you’re pulling one side of his earbuds off, mouth close to his ears.

“please, daddy…” you mumble, still bouncing on his thick cock. by now you’ve been cockwarming him for an hour, cunt slick with juices that it drips down his balls and onto the office chair, the movement of your hips only highlighting the lewd, sopping sounds of your pussy. there’s no doubt the other man hears what’s going on but you only press on, the chair creaking below the both of you as you ride him. toji’s trying so hard not to groan himself, throat tight and uncomfortable.

“let him hear,” you whimper out, a hand reaching down to rub your clit and toji grunts at the thought of it, of you knowing you belong to him, “wan’ him to know how good my daddy makes me f-feel, mmf—”

and so he listens to you once you say that, wrapping both arms tightly around you before his hips also meet yours, your juices spurting and spilling all over from how wet you were. your moans get louder in his office while he bullies his thick cock into you, tip kissing your spots so deliciously that you can only manage one word pleas. you sink easily into him after a while before he takes the lead, fucking up into you with the sounds of his balls hitting the fat of your ass.

“my pussy’s so warm and tight. ya likin’ this huh? you little slut,” toji grins, loving how he can feel your nipples through your work attire and the stretch of your pussy on him and the shock on the other’s face. if anything, you both knew how much he wished the camera was on on toji’s side.

“y—yeah, love it s’much! gonna cum, toji—”

toji only hums, capturing your lips in a kiss and effectively swallowing your whimpers as he thrusts deeper into you, “pretty girl’s gonna cum?”

“y-yeah daddy…” he feels you nod and mumble, hands massaging your sides before he feels your pussy clench around him and you cum with trembling thighs and a lax jaw. the way you look and feel also has toji grunting out with stuttering hips and he shoots his load deep in you, sending you into a blissful, dazed state as he spills his white liquid deep down your cunt.

with a shiver, you’re catching your breath before feeling his cum spill out of you, blobs of white pooling at the hilt as you swipe a finger at it to pop it in your mouth, exchanging a grin with toji before he starts a pace again, call long forgotten and a transfer at the tip of his fingers to keep his loyal client’s mouth shut.

ty for the request muaahahahah @moonjella

[teethondafloor]

Bill Kaulitz x gn!reader ~ Taking off Bill's makeup after a show.

________.✮.________

Year : 2006

Summary --

You and Bill have been best friends for over three years now and are completely inseparable. You two are partners in crime, ready to mock and poke fun at each other any chance you get, and even more ready to comfort each other right after. Tonight, the band happens to have a gig in your hometown, where you and Bill first met. You attend the concert and text Bill after, thrilled by the band's electric performance, when Bill has other plans in mind...

Bill Kaulitz x gn!reader

Cute friends to lovers arc

Warnings --

basic fluff (touching, kissing, etc)

Note --

This took me way too long to write but IM SO EXCITED TO POST IT AA. this is my first tumblr fanfic (I'm sadly a wattpad user) so sorry if it's bad :D

________.✮.________

{{y/n}} : dude! That was awesom! You rocked!

{{BILL}} : I hope. My throat hurts lol. Where r u?

{{y/n}} : headin home. U?

{{BILL}} : WTF no! I want to c u b4 u leave!

{{y/n}} : cope. Where r u??

{{BILL}} : backstage dressing room. I can sneak you in!

{{y/n}} : I will get caught!

{{BILL}} : no! I am comin for u. Where r u?

{{y/n}} : at the exit doors :P.

{{BILL}} : STAY.

{{y/n}} : OK.

________.✮.________

Standing near the exit doors of the venue, I wait for Bill to emerge from his post-show hideaway as I look around the empty room, which just moments ago was overflowing with screaming fans. I gaze up at the dim lights above, now painting the room in a slight yellow wash which my eyes peer at weakly after standing in the dark for almost 3 hours. The air-con is blasted through the room, the cool air brushing up against my bare arms and slapping me in my face momentarily as it passes me and continues lingering around the room.

After spending some time taking in my surroundings, I snap out of my thoughts and feel the hair on my arms rise, reacting to the cool air circling the area. At the other side of the room near the stage, I hear a sudden rummaging sound coming from the corner, casted with a dark shadow. I squint my eyes a little, wondering if it's Bill that's making all the noise. From the loud clanks and banging sounds, I can tell that the person is struggling through their journey. Must be him, I smile to myself. I slide my hands into my front jean pockets, continuously glancing over to the security who are stood by the doors, surprised that they don't hear the ruckus. I look back at the noise, which now grows fainter as I hear soft footsteps tiptoeing into the concert venue.

As I hear this, I notice a tall, dark figure slowly emerging from the dark corner, the black fog lurking behind it. I smile and take my hands out of my pockets, knowing that its Bill from his giant spiky hair sprouting from his head, which is the first thing I see as he steps into the room. He takes a few light steps closer, just enough to keep himself hidden from the security guards scouring around the area. As he comes closer, his face is lit up by the soft lights above us, making the ends of his dark hair glow beneath the light, and revealing his wide smile as he sees me at last. He's so bad at sneaking around, I scoff gently.

Not wanting to be seen by the employees, Bill stays behind the stage and out of their sight. I look up and see as he nods to the ground beneath him, signalling me to walk over to him. My eyes widen and I look over to the security, trying to communicate to Bill that I can't just walk up to him without being stopped. A puzzled look washes over his face and he bites the inside of his cheek, thinking. I point at the watch that's tied to my wrist, knowing that the doors will soon close for the night and I will be kicked out of the building if we don't hurry. Bill looks down at the ground before turning back to me and nodding, determined to get me backstage with him. At once, He runs back into the black void behind him, leaving me alone in the room again. I inch forward a little, wanting to run after him, before I stop myself, trusting that he has a plan.

One of the security guards at the doors notices me when I shuffle forward and calls to me form afar. "Excuse me, we need you to leave right now." Shit, I think. I freeze up for a second as he calls to me, glancing over to the corner for any sign of Bill one last time. Agitated that he fled, I look down at the floor and back at the guard. "Yeah sorry, I thought I lost something." I lie as an excuse for my long stay. Just as I'm about to take my first step towards the exit, all of the lights in the room shut off by the click of a switch, the dark swallowing everything and everyone in the room. All of the sudden, I hear firm and heavy footsteps running towards me from the opposite side of the room. Before I can even put my other foot on the ground, the footsteps are cut off and I feel as someone grabs my hand and pulls me, running back with me latched onto them. As I feel their hand in mine, I instantly know it's Bill, his many bracelets which cover half of his forearm rubbing up against my wrist as we sprint ahead and disappear behind the stage. The security guard is left clueless when the lights shut off, and speaks to the black void, only getting the sound of his own echo in response "...did you find what you were looking for? Excuse me?..."

________.✮.________

With a tight grip on my hand, Bill leads me into a tight alleyway, between the back of the stage and the dressing room which he climbed through before. The space is shielded from any light and trashed with clutter from previous bands performing at the venue. We giggle as we stop before walking through it. "Hey" he says with a smile, huffing from laugher. I can tell he is facing me, even in the complete darkness that surrounds us. "Hey" I say, lightly breathless from the excitement. We both peer through the tight gap, trying to spot an obstacle to look out for from afar, however, the shade absorbs any object inside, turning them invisible. I hear Bill turn to me again, his breath on my forehead. "Follow me, come on!" He giggles as he lifts up our hands which are still in a warm clasp. "Go!" I whisper whilst still laughing, nudging him forward playfully. Bill starts taking long and cautious steps through the alleyway, hesitating a little when he hits any object beneath us. I follow his lead, being cautious myself. I run my hand across the wall as we walk to keep myself balanced. Halfway through the black tunnel, I hear as Bill kicks an object at his feet. Still walking, I bump into his back, causing me to flinch a little. "Dude. what is it?" I whisper to him. I hear Bill rummaging gently through the junk with his feet, clearing a path for us to walk through. He laughs "I don't know, it scared the shit out of me" We both try and hold in our laughter and continue through the gap.

As we reach the end of the alley, a streak of light peers through a crack in the wall, revealing some of the junk that is spread out on the ground around us: Magazines, cigarettes, a white laced bra....I turn my head to the back of Bill's as I speak. "What is this? your sex dungeon?" I say, smiling with sarcasm in my voice. I hear Bill scoff and smile. "If it is, it's definitely not mine." We both giggle quietly. At last, we reach the end and I step back as Bill lets go of my hand and starts messing with the crack in the wall, which to my surprise, turns out to be a secret doorway to the venue's dressing room. He pushes on the heavy object which blocks the doorway, sliding his fingers under it, trying to shuffle it to the side. Seeing him struggle, I step forward and push the object forward to help, successfully forcing it out of the way.

Before stepping into the dressing room, we take a minute to catch our breaths; I lean on the wall next to me, and look at Bill as he pants. We lock eyes and burst into quiet laughter, still a little breathless. "I need to see this stupid fucking room" I say, smiling. I step away from the wall and finally enter the dressing room. The overhead lights gleam, almost blinding me as I step in, forcing me to raise my hand and shield my eyes from them. I look around, never had been backstage of a concert venue before.

A faint smell of cheap makeup and pungent nail polish lingers in the room, the sharp chemical scent burning my nostrils as I inhale it. I admire the lit up mirrors lined up along the wall, covered in stickers left behind by other musicians however long ago. Bill's and his bandmates' belongings are spread across the room, creating a small pile of clothes and bags on a large bean bag, pushed into the corner of the room. "Where are the others?" I say, referring to his bandmates. I turn my head to look back at Bill who steps into the room with his head titled down, before looking around the room himself. "They're at some party right now." He slides his hands into his pockets.

"They went without you?" I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion, knowing Tom would not leave him out like this. "no no...I didn't want to go...I don't even know where it is, and I'm exhausted." He says as he stretches his arms out gently. "Dude!" I exclaim "We could've went there!" I punch him on the shoulder playfully, causing him to shoot his hands up to his face in defence. "You can go! I'm not going" He says with a judgemental look, teasing.

I hover around the room and view the splash of graffiti on one of the walls, seeing the signatures of hundreds of bands and musicians from the past, piled on top of each other into a barely legible scribble. "How did you even find the sex dungeon?" I'm still looking at the wall when he takes off his leather jacket and throws it at me without warning, as he says with a smile "I got bored waiting for Gustav to set up." a look of surprise bursts onto my face as I catch the jacket in my hands, which I then throw onto the pile with the rest of their junk, laughing.

"So, how do you like my dressing room?" He gestures his arms, showcasing the space and waits for my response. "You are really living the life here...I mean damn. "My eyes follow the walls, stopping to observe the space again. I raise my eyebrows. "You can't help but make it a shithole though." I say sarcastically, picking up a pair of boxer shorts I saw hanging from a chair next to me. He gasps and laughs, stepping towards me and snatching his boxers from my hands before throwing them onto the pile in the corner. I snicker when I see his red cheeks, blushing furiously from embarrassment as I infect him with my laughter. "Shut up! They're gonna hear us in here!" He whispers with a smile stretched wide across his face, still blushing. He walks over to me and gently grabs me by my shoulders, shaking me to stop me from laughing. As he holds me, I put my hand up to my mouth, covering it and muffling out the sounds of my giggles. I then push him away playfully, to which he steps back. "Stop touching everything, you're gonna break something." He whispers in a joking tone.

"Especially not your trunks." I huffed from laughter. Bill blinks slowly, visibly annoyed from my teasing. "I'm serious though, don't break anything because they'll make you pay for it." I notice how he avoids my eyes and tries to change the subject. "Oh come on...I'm not that clumsy. They should make you guys pay for trashing this room so bad." I smile. He looks down, smiling at my comment, his red cheeks growing fainter.

Bill walks over to the vanity across from us, cluttered with his makeup and endless hair products. He sits down, adjusts himself on the chair slightly and looks into the mirror, which reveals a tired face, caked in makeup and hairspray, looking back at him. I walk over to him and sit on the counter next to the mirror, kicking my feet which hang from the tall surface. I take a moment to look at him, as the vanity's warm lights glimmer in his eyes.

"The concert was unreal." I say, breaking the thin silence between us. "I'm glad you came back to play here. You're everything anyone talks about round here since you got so famous." I look over to him, rubbing my arm that is propping me up on the table. I feel a little bitter-sweet about Bill's fame. On one hand I am so proud of what him and the boys have accomplished, in like what...a year? It's insane. Though, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss just hanging out. Being able to sit for hours and do nothing together. They always have something to do now, with no time to sit in the moment. The guilt of this pools inside me. It makes me feel like a brick wall that's cutting him off on his path. My biggest fear however, is Bill not knowing how to break down this wall, quietly tolerating my burden instead. "Really? I noticed so many people from school there, I really didn't want to fuck up." He says, now looking up at me with his head resting on his palm. "I'm pretty sure I saw Leon all the way at the back, poor guy got pushed out of the crowd." We laugh.

"As much as I like traveling around and playing, this feels better. I can't explain it." He smiles as he begins to stumble over his words. "I don't know, it only feels right to perform here you know?" He looks to me.

"Nah I get you, and we're glad you did." I smile at him and my eyes are suddenly drawn to his eye makeup, now rubbing off on his cheeks after every blink. "What?" He says and quickly turns to the mirror, now seeing his smudged eyeshadow. His eyes widen in shock, seeing how messy he looks after a show. "Dude, you look insane." I burst out laughing, placing my hand over my mouth as I holler. "Shut up!" He groans, laughing with me "I'm too tired for this".

I control my laughter and wait a moment before nudging one of the chairs at the vanity with my leg, sliding it closer to Bill. I hop onto it, now directly facing him. "Come here." I say. He turns away from the mirror as I grab a dry cotton pad from a pack on his desk and drip some makeup remover onto it, watching it absorb the chemicals. He inches towards me, pushing his hair away from his face to help me, and closing his eyes slowly as the cotton pad touches his cheek, working away at his pale foundation. We sit in silence for a few seconds, enjoying each others company while I scrub at the cosmetics, washing away the excitement and fatigue of the long night that has soaked into it. "Did you really want to go to that party? We could still go if you're desperate." Bill says quietly, breaking the silence.

"Nah..." I whisper "I'd rather be here with you." when my hand grazes over his face, I feel a thin smile spread across his cheeks when he hears my words. He peers at me with his eyes half shut and backs away a little. "Look at you being all sappy..." he smiles.

"Shut up and give me your face." I say, taking a hold of his jaw and pulling his face closer to my reach. He lets out a short exhale, charmed by my boldness. I run the cotton pad across his face, quickly rubbing it over his lips playfully. He smiles again now with his teeth. "That was so on purpose..." He says with his eyes still sealed shut. "What?...no.." I say sarcastically.

After dirtying the cotton pad with his foundation, I grab a second one and move up to his shadowed eyes. "Keep your eyes closed...I need to sort all this out." I scoff, laughing as I poke fun at the mess painted on his eyes that has now somehow travelled up to his eyebrows. I take the pad and a wet wipe for good measure, massaging his eyelids. He swallows quietly "I've really missed you" he says out of nowhere. A little stunned, I continue cleaning him. "Me too." My tone suddenly shifts and you can hear a faint sadness in my voice. "I'm sorry I've been going away all the time, I would take you with us if I could..."

"Don't worry about it...I'm always back here if you need me anyway."

"Well I...don't want you only when I need you, I want you everywhere with me." I'm shocked by his sudden sentimentality, not really knowing how to respond since our usual way of showing love is by bullying each other until one caves in. "I know I know, that's not what I meant." I reassured him.

"I know, it's cool." he whispers "You know...sometimes I wish we wouldn't have to travel for so long, I've missed this." he pauses "Y/n...what if I stay?" He falls quiet, waiting for me to say something to fill in the silence. I look to him, a subtle face of worry crossing my face as I pull myself together. "Dude, stop." I say "Don't be stupid, this is...a crazy opportunity. Getting to travel around Europe and sing, that's nuts....don't let me hold you back...please."

"You're not "holding me back" y/n-"

I cut his sentence short "But what if I am? And you're just not realising it?...I don't want to be that." I blurt out.

"What?..." He opens his eyes, takes me by my wrists and holds me, preventing me from moving. His eyes glare at me. "No...don't do that. You're not in my way, do you understand?" His tone turns more agitated, worried that I'm giving myself a hard time because of his absence. A sudden silence falls between us like a transparent wall piling up and separating us, numbing me to his touch. This time, I'm not the wall. "Have you been worrying about this while I've been gone?" he looks to me hoping I'll say no, but already knowing the answer before the words leave his mouth. "Yeah...a little....a lot." I correct myself "You can't blame me though...I don't see you for weeks, sometimes even months. I know that's not your fault, but I'm allowed to be upset." I say, standing my ground.

"I know, it upsets me too." He lets go of my wrists and slides his hands down to mine, gently holding my hands with care. He smiles softly as he holds me, rubbing the top of my right hand with his thumbs, which makes both of us smile. We take time to comfort each other, acknowledging how hard the situation is for the both of us, yet we pull through. "Well you're here now." I sigh "You're stopping here for a while I heard, aren't you?"

"Yeah, we're taking a break here until we tour in the East." He says "And I'm glad I'm spending it with you." His eyes admire me as he speaks. I shift my hand a little, making him let go, and I return to his smeared eye makeup.

"So how's life without me at your hip?" He smiles as I exhale and roll my eyes, teasingly. "Better than ever." I say, with a sarcastic tone, making Bill gasp. "School's ok I guess, it's a teensy bit more bearable than last year at least." I take a short pause "...I won a writer's award two weeks ago..." I hold my breath as I wait for the buckets of Bill's compliments and praise to flood the room when he hears of my accomplishment. His eyes shoot open and his neck tilts forward in awe, his lips apart. "Are you kidding? That's amazing y/n! Why didn't you tell me??" He pushes me lightly on the shoulder.

"You expect way too much of me..." I shake my head and smile.

"I knew you would win! I told youuu..." he makes sure to rub the fact that he believed in me in my face before congratulating me "Well done, I'm really proud of you y/n..." He gazes into my eyes and gently places his hand on my knee. I observe his movements and quickly glance away, smiling. "Ok you can shut up now."

"Never. How can I when I'm being taken care of by a future author! Maybe I'll let you write my biography when you're as famous as me ;)" He teases, knowing I don't know how to handle compliments, yet he never fails to praise me anyway, just so I know. "Ok enough! Fine, I'm... proud of myself too I guess!"

"That's the spirit!" he taps my knee lightly, taking his hand away and resting it back onto the arm of his chair. I smile and shake my head, a little flustered from his admiration which, I hate to admit, I secretly love. "So how's tour so far? Are you eating well?" I ask with nurture in my voice as gratitude for his compliments. "Of course I am...you care way too much." He smiles.

"And you're right." I reply, playfully.

"I love that you care so much...even when you pretend you don't." His voice quietens.

"What does that mean?" I scrunch my eyebrows at his words.

"I don't know...you're just so...thoughtful. You always know what to do and say and-"

"Yeah right." I smile, a little overwhelemed by the flood of compliments. "Thanks though, I really do try my best."

"And that's enough for me." He whispers, his cheeks turning a faint pink. "You make me good...or feel like, at my core, I am good. I love it." without teasing or poking fun at him for once, I let him spill his emotions out onto the table where we both can see . I sit and listen, gently wiping his eyes with care. "It's so hard to leave you here, stuck in this village. It's so hard to not hear you laugh and sing and dance beside me... It's so hard not to love you for all thise things" I feel his tender fingertips brushing against my knee as he talks, slowing my pace. Before I can reply, his other hand shifts to my second knee and he holds it delicately. "Bill..." I whisper, with a little confusion but an unexpected sprinkle of excitement rushing through me. he bites his lip, pondering what to say next and trying hard not to stumble over his words. He opens his eyes and gazes directly into my mine, seeing all of me. He takes my hand. I feel butterflies nibbling on the walls of my stomach, their fluttering wings tickling me as they desperately want to flee and touch and love. In the moment, I don't know if it's wrong to feel so much love and desire for him, this ravenous craving that eats me from inside. I can only do what feels right, and so I let the butterflies feed.

He swallows gently "I want to care for you just like you do...I want to..." His hand raises to my face, holding me and caressing my cheek with his thumb in small circles. My hand laches onto his wrist gently, weak to his tender touch. The room falls silent, the only sound in the room coming from the lights above us, buzzing, humming on one note to our intimate moment. "Can I..." His voice fades out slightly and cracks from nervousness. "Can I kiss you?"

His words ring in my head, bouncing off of my ear drums and into my throat, leaving me speechless. I hold him for a while, our hands sharing each other's warmth through touch. I glance down at his lips that are slightly open, breathing in the little air between us; inhaling the glass wall that not moments ago parted us. With desire and lust, my eyes look back into his, and I nod gently. He takes a second to process this, before cupping my face in the palm of his hands and pulling me closer to him, until the wall turns to paper and our lips are inches away from each other. As I close my eyes, I feel his plush lips on mine, sharing our sweet taste. The butterflies in me settle when we collide, and the walls around us feel as though they are caving in, trapping us in each other's arms. As he holds me, I feel cared for. Safe. Warm.

He kisses me delicately and then again with more passion, before pulling away to let me breathe. As he leans back, his mouth curves into a sweet smile, his lips now stained with my light lipstick. I laugh as I notice his red tinted lips, stained with my evidence. I take his hand again, locking my pointer finger with his. "Looks like I'll have to clean you up again..."

"What a shame..." Bill whispers sarcastically, a wide smile pulling apart his rosy cheeks, now matching his lips.

________.✮.________

Tysm for readingg :)) <3 this was so much fun to write

I'm currently working on a 12 part Bill Kaulitz x fem!reader fic on wattpad and I've published the first part!

teethondafloor on wattpad

Zuźka

[maluceh]

hi would you ever post your drawing process? i’ve noticed you do research when it comes to stuff like finding references to age up characters properly, making the characters’ styles accurate for their time, etc.

sometimes you don’t realize how much goes into art besides the sketches, drawing, rendering, all that stuff, so the little things like that which make a big difference in the end is so cool to notice, you’re a really inspiring artist for me! your art style is incredible and i’d love to see what goes through your head before drawing something, if that’s alright with you ofc.

like what’s your inspiration? what shaped your art style? do you use references and how often bc sometimes i see some poses you draw and think ok there HAD to be a reference used for this bc it’s too good but i understand finding refs for what’s going on your head is difficult a lot of times so i just chalk it up to you being skilled enough to guess how the anatomy would work (so much praise for artists like that because??? insane talent! not to say using refs makes artists less skilled or anything 😭😭 hope it didn’t come off that way)

OK WOW THAT WAS A LOT IM SORRY!

oh where to begin…

I usually get ideas of what I want to do, but it’s not until I open the canvas that my hand just knows what to do I guess? There’s times when I can just paste what’s in my head on the canvas and times when I struggle more and I have to look for references/trace poses (which are usually me with really bad lightening around my room or yeah, pics from pinterest)

lol funny story, my one drawing of James, Lily and Harry dancing I recorded myself dancing and got screenshots of that to base the poses on…. I accidentally sent one to a person that was commissioning me at the time, most embarrasing moment of my life

ANYWHOO! In terms of clothes, I have a board for every character where I put like what I think their style entails. Cause I like it when they look like teenagers in the 70s

Here’s my process when i just vomit my idea on the canvas

there are some where I don’t have the patience or the project is too big (ex. the panels) and figuring out the anatomy would be too time consuming, so i trace the pose but i’ve been trying to do that less and less to make myself actually work and get better at anatomy

and what shaped my artstyle? wow that’s a hard question lol, idk

I think i’ve picked things from artists i’ve liked and just created a frankenstein of it, little by little and without realizing it.

not that my art looks ANYTHING like theirs, but these are some of the artists that have inspired me a lot through my art journey

hope i answered your question jsjsjs

[roxy-writes]

GIRLY DO MAFIA BAKUGOU AND KIRISHIMA X READ AND MAKE IT SMUTTY!!!!!! It's fine if you don't want to😅 BUT IF YOU CAN THAT WOULD BE GREATTTTT!!! LOVE YOU BESTIEEEEEEE 🥰

OK IM DOING IT. also i've lowkey been putting off my asks so if i haven't responded i'll get there soon lol <3 sorry

warnings: not proofread, smut, reader sits on bakugo's lap, reader uses she/her pronouns, reader has a pussy, extreme dubcon, biting, reader gets spanked, noncon creampies, reader cries, dead dove: do not eat

You sat tied to a chair in Katsuki Bakugo's office. You didn't know a lot about what was happening, just that he was a fairly well-known mafia boss and this was very very bad for you. He sat in a comfortable looking chair on the other side of his desk, his right hand man standing tall beside him. Kirishima Eijiro, who appeared way less threatening than his counterpart. But you figured he's probably just as bad as Bakugo, if not worse. You knew pretty much why you were here.

You were taking a walk somewhere, you can't remember where. The alleyway you saw was a nice shortcut, sure, but you probably should've just gone the long way. You didn't really expect to see someone being brutally murdered when you turned the corner, of course. As Bakugo turned to face you, the unknown body slumped to the ground at his feet. You sprinted away in the opposite direction, but you weren't fast enough, and that's how you ended up here.

"I was going to just kill you, but my partner here convinced me otherwise. How lucky you are. Well, I don't really know about that. You'll probably think you're better off dead once we're done with you." Bakugo says. You wonder what the fuck that might mean. "We obviously can't let you go though. You'll have to be of use to us in some other way." You're pretty sure you know what that means, based on Kirishima's hungry look. "Untie her," Bakugo commands, "not like she'll be able to escape." Kirishima moves to follow Bakugo's orders and only then do you notice his teeth. They're razor sharp, and they look dangerous. You figure things can't get any worse from here.

But of course they do. Bakugo makes you sit on his lap, the bump that you feel from under his nice dress pants rubbing against your thigh. He's changed since you first saw him, thank God, so there's no blood on him. You're frozen in place, his hands planted on your ass. There was no denying he was attractive, but this was not a situation you wanted to be in. "Kirishima, what do you say we get he used to how it's gonna be here?" Bakugo says, and fear rushes through your body. You're bent over the table in seconds, your dress being torn off your body. You want to struggle, but you know it won't do anything except anger him. He rips off your bra and panties, and your nipples harden at the cold. He beckons Kirishima over, and the red-haired man crouches down so he's face-to-face with your cunt. You're scared of those teeth being so close to your pussy, but Bakugo keeps you from being able to tilt your head to look at Kirishima. Kirishima's first long lick up your slit has you holding back a moan. "Make some noise, bitch." Bakugo spits, so you stop holding back as Kirishima sucks on your clit.

His tongue enters your hole, making you clench and keen. You're nearly forgetting about what's really happening and starting to focus only on how he's tongue-fucking you. Then his tongue's gone and his teeth are sinking into your thigh. You cry out in pain and squirm, which only seems to egg Kirishima on as he marks your thighs up. One of his big fingers slips inside of you and curls, pressing against your special spot. You cum with a cry as Kirishima licks up the blood dripping down your legs. Fuck, it aches. You hate to admit you're sort of turned on by it, but it still fucking hurts. Bakugo's already pressing his dick to your entrance and pushing in. You're still sensitive and you moan. He's bigger than you thought he would be, but he doesn't give you any time to adjust to the stretch as you expected. He immediately begins pounding into you. He shakes the desk with every thrust, and the edge of it digs into your hips.

Bakugo slams into your cervix. You make a noise of discomfort, and he raises his hand. He brings it down hard on your ass, the sting making tears form in your eyes. He does it again on your other asscheek, and you try not to make too loud of a noise in fear of what he'll do. You just whimper quietly as he fucks you. He's gonna cum soon, you can tell by how much he's twitching inside you. Oh shit, you think, he can't cum inside. You're not on birth control, oh shit, oh fuck, you think. He's definitely not wearing a condom. "No, fuck, don't cum inside, please!" you yell, but he just spanks you again. You feel hot ropes of cum coat your walls and tears stream down your face. You can almost feel him smirk. Kirishima shoots you a sympathetic look from where he was watching. You press your face into the desk and sob.

this is my 100th post lol

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

i could be wrong about this (i've been following this blog so long i wouldn't be surprised if im confused lol) but you changed/shifted denominations, right? im catholic, born catholic, but i struggle with what much of the church preaches/supports, and the catholic communities i grew up in are not a great place for queer people. so im looking at other affirming churches where i live, which are mostly united. they all seem great, but i find that im struggling with all the ways they aren't catholic. i find it uncomfortable that there isn't a priest (and find it uncomfortable that i find it uncomfortable), i miss the hymns from my old church, and receiving the eurcharist every sunday, and all the other little rituals i can recite on rote (which i like!). and then i suppose i feel strange for taking space in this church that isn't my own, just because it's more 'convenient', since i dont have much intention to abandon the parts of catholicism i want to keep (like mary and the saints). im not sure whether i should just suck it up and shift denominations entirely, or retain my (kind of shaky, ill admit i reject a fair amount of catholic teachings) catholic beliefs. and even then, im also not sure how to make myself more comfortable with attending a church without the rituals and mass im used to - even though i really really want to attend church again. sorry for blabbing on, but... any advice?

Hey there anon, so sorry for the very long delay; I hope you're doing all right. I was indeed born and raised Catholic, and still deeply love so much about Catholic tradition; I know how hard this decision is — whether to stay or go, whether to keep one foot in and one foot out, etc...

(Oh, one thing I want to mention right away is that you don't need to worry about "taking space" in a church you're not part of yet. Churches are meant to make room for visitors! There is plenty of room for you, and if a church makes you feel otherwise somehow, that's on them. Just bringing that up here because the rest of this long response goes in a different direction lol.)

Ultimately, you're the only one who can decide the right path for you. The good news is that you have as long as you need to figure it out! You might lean in one direction for a while and later realize you need to shift a bit; you don't have to do it all at once.

I can share a bit about my own journey to help you imagine a bit better what it even looks like to walk this path; your path may end up looking similar, or very different from mine. Putting the rest under a readmore because it's so long lol.

I was super devout Catholic all my life, into college. Then going into sophomore year of college I started figuring out I was queer — plus I was encountering more and more kinds of people than I'd ever met before, and questions about where they "fit" into Catholic doctrine and the like.

Sophomore year I started crushing on my then-roommate, now-wife, and exploring my gender a bit more, and I started getting extremely anxious each Sunday at Mass. I couldn't stop wondering what people in the pews with me would think, what they'd do if they knew. That spring semester and then into the fall, I started going to Mass less and less frequently and eventually not at all.

Meanwhile my roomie was going through similar issues with feeling way too alienated from her conservative church to keep attending. So together, we found an LGBT-affirming church near campus and walked there one Sunday. The relief we felt walking in there, seeing other queer people and couples; the warmth and welcome, the chance to hold hands in public for the first time; getting to share communion, which was a big warm loaf of bread, with folks who knew what we were and loved us in, not despite it...was like nothing I'd ever experienced.

We kept going there the rest of the school year. That summer, back in my hometown, I kept going to my childhood church for Catholic Mass. I really loved the affirming church we'd found, but like you I missed so many things that Catholic church has and they just don't: there's a higher sense of reverence at Mass; the singing resonates through my psyche; I weirdly feel Christ more strongly in the little wafer host than in that warm loaf, though the latter made me feel more spiritually connected to the humans around me...

I wanted both. I wanted to keep my relationship with my Saints. I wanted Mary and the rosary. I wanted the high reverence. And I wanted the warmth and connection I found at our new church. I wanted the laughter as children dunked their big chunk of loaf into the chalice, getting crumbs everywhere, even if it made my Catholic sensibilities cringe a little (I write about the "culture shock," getting more accustomed to those eucharistic differences here). I wanted to be surrounded with this much more diverse group of people.

So for years, even as I graduated undergrad and started my studies at a Presbyterian seminary, I've tightrope walked between Catholicism and Protestantism. I took every chance I got in my classes to write my papers (or a whole website) about queer-resonant Saints, or to bring up a book of the Bible that Catholics have but Protestants don't, or to teach classmates what it means that Catholics venerate but don't worship Mary. I went to a Presbyterian church most Sundays, but to Catholic Mass on holy days like Good Friday.

Keeping one foot in the Catholic Church — going to Mass a few times a year, cultivating my relationships with Saints privately, writing lots of poems about everything I was feeling (like this one and this one) — while spending most of my time and building up community within the PC(USA) was what worked for me for many years. Sometimes it would get frustrating; often when visiting a Catholic church I'd feel that anxiety wonder what would happen if someone there called me out for being queer. Often I'd feel alienated, lonely, wishing I could bring my whole self into one place if that makes sense; but I made it work.

Then things took a painful turn late last May — content warning for religious trauma & transphobia from a Catholic priest. I was visiting home, and that meant dropping by my childhood church for Mass. When the priest I've known almost my whole life, who gave me my first communion and Confirmed me, got halfway through his homily, it suddenly turned into transphobic condemnation. I felt like the floor had dropped out from under me. I decided to speak up; I interrupted Mass to assert that queer people are beloved by God; I was escorted out of my childhood church. It was really, really painful; it still really hurts.

I haven't visited a Catholic church since then. And it breaks my heart I'll never feel safe about going back to my childhood church again :'(

I bring up this traumatic moment not to scare you away from keeping some part of you in the Catholic Church — so many of us do remain partially or all the way in it despite its failures. Hopefully you'll never encounter something this overtly queerphobic. But I bring it up to say that if you stay in the Catholic Church, you probably will encounter things over the years — hopefully small, maybe big — that bring you pain. Little ways comments chip at your sense of worth and dignity; new documents from the Vatican that speak against queerness.

But honestly, you'll probably encounter a little hurt wherever you go. No church, no community at all, is perfect. People say and do thoughtless things. You'll probably experience less of that in an LGBT affirming church, but wherever you go, you'll need to gradually amass spiritual shields — connection to the divine, to other people, places you go for refuge.

I haven't returned to a Catholic church since that incident — but I have made relationships I wouldn't have made otherwise. Various people who attended my childhood church's grade school reached out to me to thank me for my courage; one of them even wrote an article about what I did and what she and her friends experienced as students there. Someone from my home state's branch of Dignity USA reached out to me.

I've sort of "officially" let myself sever that last thread connecting me to anything Roman Catholic, to the institution; but I hold on to the elements of Catholic tradition that bring me spiritual nourishment. They can pry Mary and the Saints from my cold dead hands (no actually! not even then!)

...So that's my personal journey up to the present day. (I also sum up my sort of situationship identifying as an agnostic Catholic Presbyterian in this post.) But others have different paths.

I know so many queer Catholics, ex-Catholics, not-sure-where-they-fit type folks...there are:

queer Catholics who stick with the Catholic Church completely;

or who occupy a sort of liminal in-between, sticking to the Catholic edges but still interacting with Catholic institutions.

I know others who completely left all things Catholic behind, not just the institutions but all Saints, songs, etc.

If you're interested in listening to / reading about a few other people's experiences, I've interviewed a few queer Catholics on my podcast:

there's Emma Cieslik, who archives all sorts of queer Catholic experiences in her own oral history project;

There's K Kriesel, whose life has taken them all around the Catholic center and many different peripheries;

There's Amy Neville, who studies art history and incorporates Catholicism into their queer art; and others too.

____

Sorry if all that was way more than you were looking for! But I hope exploring some of the journeys of others who've been in a similar place to you might help a bit.

A few other things I'll tack on:

If there are any Episcopal churches near you (that mention being LGBT friendly on their website), their vibe will be much closer to what you love from Catholicism than a UCC church is. Lutherans are also closer in vibe and often LGBT affirming.

It's possible there might be a (non-Roman) Catholic community near you that is LGBT-affirming — check out this post for more about liberal Catholics, Independent Catholics, and more.

The previously linked post also brings up organizations that aim to make the Catholic Church more LGBT-inclusive, like DignityUSA. You might find that one of those orgs has a branch near you where you can find support and commiseration.

Finally, you may also like looking through my #queer and Catholic tag, and also maybe my #lgbta patron saints tag.

Sending you love and wishing you peace, joy, and a sense of belonging. I know how hard this in-between time is, when you just don't know what to do or where to go — but God is with you on this journey. They will be with you wherever you go; in fact, the liminal spaces, the in-between not-quite-this-or-that people, are the places and people through which God most often acts <3

[rat-typewriter]

Yay!!! Someone's writing for Arven!!! Could you please write something, either Headcanons or a fanfic your choice, about Arven with a librarian s/o who helps him find information on Herba Mystica and the titan pokemon. So lots of study dates in the school library where she works that slowly turn into actual dates 👀

As someone working at a library rn, this one is pretty self indulgent lol but I hope you don't mind! Thanks so much, I hope you have a great day!! (I also lowkey wonder if you remember me since I've left asks here before...)

Omg omg hello fellow librarian!! I used to work in a library! Tysm for your request sunshine, and i hope you enjoy!! This is a little rushed so im sorry about that :,,)

Perfect to me - Arven x Student Librarian!Reader

Warnings: None

Proofread: like,,,, some of it is

Summary: Mabosstiff is doing a lot better - you're the first person Arven wants to tell

You tried to turn up your music for the seventh time - forgetting it was already at full volume. Your phone buzzed angrily, a notification popping up - trying to warn you of the damage you were doing to your ears. 

You were more-or-less all alone in the library; anyone who had come in this late was frantically studying at the desks, so you were free to shelve books and dance awkwardly. 

You skimmed the spines of the books and hummed quietly to yourself. The song reminded you of Arven - it felt like sunshine and long, green grasses with a warm breeze. You smiled at the thought of him; even his name gave you butterflies - you couldn’t quite believe you'd been dating three months. 

You first met when he was always asking for obscure books and journal articles - and without having to do too much detective-work you figured out that he was searching for the titan's herbs. You mentioned it one night - after a few weeks of him coming in almost every day - and he let you meet Mabostiff. You'd never seen such a sick Pokémon, but you found yourself with a certain respect for the somewhat-harsh boy who sat in front of you, stroking its nose gently. After then, you always stayed past the end of your shifts - scouring the shelves for any clues to help Arven and Mabostiff.

You found the section you were looking for and slid a book from your trolley onto the shelf. Straightening up, you were about to reach for the next book - but, through the shelf, you came face-to-face with Arven.

You leapt out of your skin, ripping your headphones out in the process.

Arven grinned and laughed; wide-eyed you scolded him.

"Oh my god, Arven." You said, as you rounded the shelf - moving to face him. "How long have you been there?"

"Not too long." He smiled - his smile was so contagious you found yourself struggling to maintain your annoyed expression.

"Well, don't scare me like that!" You replied, trying to suppress your giggle. Being around Arven made you go stupid (in the best way possible, of course). It was addictive - hell, he was addictive - you never failed to have fun, even when poring over fifty year-old books and digging through the dusty archives.

"Okay, okay - I'm sorry." He replied - not looking even the least bit sorry. 

"You should be." You said, folding your arms with mock disappointment. "Libraries are no places for fun."

"Of course, it won't happen again Miss L/N." He said - his tone's solemness matching your own.

For a moment you stared at each other seriously - before you both erupted into giggles. 

Yeah, you thought to yourself, I really like him.

Before you'd even caught your breath again, he grabbed your hand and tugged it.

"C'mon, there's something you gotta see." 

Had Arven been any other boy - you probably would have assumed that they were about to take you down some dark corridor and axe-murder you. But when you looked at him and he softly smiled back at you - you trusted him completely.

He led you out of the library and down the stairs - to one of the fire exit doors in a back corridor.

He held it open for you and you stepped outside into the dark car park. The cold March air ruffled your hair and you shivered; you heard Arven close the door and then stand beside you. In the dim light of the flickery fire-exit sign you could only just make out his features. He stood close to you - his arm brushing your own - but he didn’t seem to mind; neither did you. 

He grinned and pulled a Poké ball out of his pocket.

He didn’t mean?

“Arven?” you said, excitement rising in your voice. “He’s better?”

He grabbed your hand and nodded frantically, somehow smiling even wider than before. He tossed the ball, freeing Mabosstiff - who, for the first time whilst you’d known him, stood in front of you. Arven, who was still smiling wildly (and seemed unable to speak) looked between the two of you, his eyes suddenly full of tears

 You laughed, dropping to your knees and putting your hand out for the Pokémon to sniff. Mabostiff nosed your fingers and let out a low ruff.

"Hey, buddy." You said, quietly - finding yourself fighting back tears as well. "Good to see you up and about,"

Mabostiff nuzzled against your leg and you giggled - wiping your eyes. Arven, who was looking just as teary-eyed as you, crouched down, levelling with you and Mabosstiff.

"I can't believe you did it," You whispered, stroking the Pokémon's ears.

"Me neither." Arven said. The closeness of his voice surprised you a little. You turned to face him, finding that his face was only a few centimetres from your own. Fireworks were going off inside your brain as you stared at his dark eyes. 

He's gorgeous, you thought. I've never noticed how pretty he is. 

Your words caught in your throat and you found yourself unable to form a sensible reply. He held your gaze; his mouth slightly agape.

"Hey," You whispered, giggling slightly.

"Hi," He laughed back.

His smile was radiant, even in the darkness. You were so close you could practically feel the heat from his body. He glanced at your lips, so quickly you were almost convinced it didn't happen - but it was there.

He spoke slowly. "Can I, uh, ask you something?" 

You glanced at his lips.

"Sure,"

"Would you mind if - uh - could I-" He stammered, his growing more red by the second.

You laughed quietly and he did too - easing your nerves a bit. 

You met his big, dark eyes and knew you were too far gone. So, with only a moment's hesitation, you leant in.

Your heart felt as though it was going to rattle out of your chest, but the feeling of his lips against your own left you floating. His hand moved to your face and you steadied yourself against his knee.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god-

After a moment, you pulled apart - bumping noses as both laughed breathily. 

"Wow," You whispered.

"Yeah." He laughed.

You leant back, moving from your crouched position to sit on the concrete instead - your head slightly spinning. Mabosstiff looked between you, letting out a low ruff. Arven grinned, ruffling the fur on its head.

"Were you watching us?" He said, narrowing his eyes at the Pokémon. "Cheeky." 

You laughed and Arven turned to look at you. Your heart skipped a beat and your mind was empty.

He likes me. 

"So," You turned away, looking out into the darkness. "You like me?"

"Well, yeah." 

You turned back to face him, his expression barely visible in the dim light, but you could still see the redness that suddenly appeared.

"Well, uh - I mean, why wouldn't I like you?"

You snorted. "I could name a few reasons."

For a moment he was quiet, staring at you - clearly thinking hard.

"Nope." He said.

"What?"

"I can't name any."

You laughed and he nudged your shoulder.

"You're perfect to me."

You could feel the blood rushing into your face as you leaned into his side - tucking your head beneath his chin. You both sat quietly until Mabosstiff flopped down across both of your laps - Arven letting out an oof as it did so.

"You're heavy, buddy." He said to the dog. "Not a puppy anymore, eh?"

"They grow up so fast." You said, wiping a fake tear.

Arven mock-sniffled. "My baby is all grown up!" 

Suddenly, you blurted out his name. "Arven?"

He turned to you. "Yeah?"

"You're perfect to me too."

[demise-seems-dead]

*cracks my knuckles*

hello doctor who fandom. Im here to throw out my opinions in a vibey way, just to get it over with. I may literally never talk about doctor who on this acc ever again, but i figure i may as well lay out all my nuwho opinions right now for anyone who wants to vibe or to know who will hate my opinions so i can get a nord vpn sponsorship and hide my ip address.

so heres where im at.

9: my all time favourite, wrote well- if not a bit cheesy- and acted very well. Do i think anyone actually skips nine? Not really. Do i feel like defending him on my life from the evil tenners? Nope. I think hes the best, but its not like hes under-rated, people just like to make up conflicts for the fun of it. Its the internet, its what we do. Favourite episode is empty child or boom town.

10: hes fine! I liked him well enough. Good actor, great establishing episode, but i dont feel too strongly about him. Hes pretty neat but i think there wasnt a lot of creativity? Like fun monsters, but we didnt get a lot of the real timey wimey shit we get to see later that i think 10 could have acted very well. Favourite ep is 42. Sorry weeping angels, your like 3 or 4th tho!!!

11. i actually really like him. I think later season stuff was fantastic but there was a dip in my enjoyment around lets kill hitler. Found him to be a lot more dynamic than 10 or really 9 in his personality. Hard to characterise, which is great when your talking about basically a god. Favourite episode isssssssssssss the impossible astronaut? Maybe the lodger actually. I dont like james cordon, but i do like the concept.

12: beautiful wonderful old man. Admittedly, watching his season was a blur, right before i started falling off the who train for a bit, but i do know i fucking love him. Uh, i think i remember liking knock knock. Im due for a rewatch.

13: i promise im coming back to it. I fucking love jodie but the end of 12 is just when i started struggling to watch doctor who (dealt with heart issues and a car accident and just could not divide more attention to a tv show) but im coming in with optimism. I know a lot of people thing her season was shitty, i'll probably think the same, but by god im going to try and love it! Also shes hot /hj

14: skipping because i dont really have a lot to say????

15: oh boy. Im really trying to like it. I think its good tv! I like what its about. But i just dont think it feels like doctor who. I dont really care for talking about ai/media bad (even though the actual theme of that episode is racism that is still part of it, literally dont come for me lol i think the racism part of it is very well wrote) or economy failing/bad in my show about a time alien and their human friend against the world. Not that its bad, but its just not for me. So far ive liked boom or 73 yards the most.

and yeah, those are P much my thoughts. Feel free to debate with me. Dont argue- because thats stupid- but debating is fine! I'd love for somebody to show their passion and make me rethink. Most of this posts purpose is to encourage civil discussion.

[viktormaru]

Some new years rambling

I dont want to get too personal bcs this is the internet but still I want to get something out... for me at least! For posteriority, since I dont really keep journals or anything like that

But anyone who wants to read me ramble is welcome to read this as well, and well... happy new year you guys!

Its been a very long year for me personaly

I made a lot of big changes in my life: Took a big step by moving on my own for the first time, became almost completely independent financially, started my transition, saw my first concert, worked on keeping friendships even at a distance, grew close to someone i care a lot about... it has not been easy at all, hell its been a roller coaster of emotions and problems and I havent really solved them all and Im still struggling with a lot... but... im taking steps towards having a better life... or a REAL life, something I want to live or that I can be content with. its... well, its a big deal!

I remember when I was 18 and the year was turning, i was tipsy and alone at my mother's house hiding from the noise of fireworks and sobbing my eyes out because i thought i hit my deadline to "Fixing" myself and I didnt manage to do it but also didnt have the courage to end things. I felt pretty fucking lost back then, I thought life would always be this... this sludge of nothingness, and I felt a lot of guilt abt it too

But now here I am, struggling but making an effort, and aiming for something more despite how far behind I feel I am. I feel optimistic, hell, I feel like happiness is achievable. Its both scary and a huge relief.

IDK... I guess I'll keep doing my best, and I'll try to be kinder to myself regarding my flaws and my mistakes. I'll forgive myself more, and because of it I'll push myself more as well to be better, to do better, and aim for something good for me.

here's a few concrete wishes I have for my next year!!!

Get a driver's liscence: Now that my legal name is changed and my face is changing as well... doing anything regarding legal documents isnt as scary

Manage to work out for a year: hormones are giving me more confidence to look at myself. And now is the perfect time to try building muscle mass! Oh and be healthy i guess LOL

Figure out a better cleaning routine: My poor house has suffered so much under my carelessness and stress... im so sorry...

Get a bycicle: much needed means of transport in my city to be more independent

Work harder on portfolio and job seeking: again the legal documents thing made it very scary for me to do this... im a bit more confident now

Adopt a pet: this one will happen if I feel ive become responsible enough both with chores and money

thats all

Again, happy new year to anyone reading this, and for me... well... you know what you gotta do

[osarina]

hi carina !! havent been in ur inbox for a while, hru :)) i hope ur well >^< !!

i'm mainly here to ask if u have any writing tips/advice bc ur lit one of my fave bsd writers ever i adore all ur works sm and recently i've hated everything im writing ajkrnjekncvej SO IM WONDERING IF U HAVE ANY ADVICE CEJFCNJ (hopefully this isnt strange eabfihri)

you dont hafta answer this is u dont wanna btw !!! have a great day mwah <333

REDDDDDD MY SWEET LOVE BUG i've been doing okay!! work hasn't been as awful as i expected it to be, i rlly got lucky with my boss HAHAH - how are you doing?? you had exams right?? i hope they all went well!! sorry it took me so long to answer this one, but i wanted to actually be able to give u a good response so it had to wait until i had time i fear

IT'S NOT STRANGE, ur so sweet im giving u the softest forehead smooch. i'm sorry to hear you've been feeling that way about your writing though - i get it, trust me i do LOL, i go through days and weeks where i literally am revulsed by every word i put down in a doc. actually, i just went thru it like 2 days ago while writing the first chapter of civilian dazai so it's all fresh in the head LOL

honestly, i think the most important tip i have is really basic but u should never force yourself to write just for the sake of getting something out. like, i've done it before and whenever i do, i'm soooo unhappy with the results that it usually makes me go through a huge writing slump -> this happened with uu6 actually, i was so busy but i was trying to force the chapter out on time that i ended up rewriting it like 3 times because i hated it so much. finally i decided to move on to write some pmzai drabbles to clear my head & then came back to uu6 when i started feeling it again and behold, it came with ease. sometimes when i want to write but none of my wips are doing it for me, i'll literally conjure up a huge list of tropes and just read through it until one pops out to me LOL and then ill work on that

another i think basic piece of advice is reading. whether its fanfics, or novels, or whatever. whenever i have trouble liking what i write, i find something to read. reading is actually how i taught myself to write HAHAH my go tos are fantasy/scifi- tolkein, martin, herbert, rf kuang, i've been meaning to read sanderson but haven't had the time yet. honestly, in general, if i have free time and i'm not writing something, 9/10 i'm reading something.

i think plotting is also really important!! even for like one-shots, sometimes i get so lost in the writing that i lose focus of what the fic was originally supposed to be about and that frustrates me into deleting everything i've written. so something i do is i list out all of the scenes i want to see in a chapter or a one-shot before i start writing it so that i don't lose focus.

dialogue is a huge hurdle for me - sometimes i struggle to figure out whether or not my dialogue is realistic, so LOL sometimes i just sit there and speak it out loud, acting out a conversation with myself to see if it flows properly and then adjust accordingly. sometimes i do it for like descriptions/narration too if i think the narration isn't flowing or is too clunky. reading things out loud is a go-to way for me to figure out what's wrong with my writing.

and then lastly, this is more of a mental thing than anything else, but i've just slowly had to teach myself not to be too hard on myself. like i'll get so mad if something doesn't come out exactly how i envisioned it, and it used to genuinely make me so disappointed that i couldn't bring myself to write for days. so i've just slowly been working myself into a mentality telling myself that it doesn't have to be perfect to be great, yknow. and ten times out ten, you're seeing faults in your writing that no one else will take notice of.

so the whole tldr:

only write what you WANT to write, dont force urself to finish/write something

read when you can, whether its fanfic or novels or whatever u can get ur hands on

plot things out so you don't get lost

read things out loud that aren't making sense

work on not being so hard on yourself

[happypeaceperson]

The way I loved you

Mickey Altieri x Male Reader

I apologise to everyone who has sent me story requests 😭 I probably should of worked on one of those instead and i promise I'll do them soon but i noticed there is no Mickey x Male reader fics, so i had to take it upon myself to do him justice. I also really wanted to write something with Sidney in it lol.

This takes place during the final act, the beginning is the same as the movie but i changed the ending to cut it short because I was really tired writing this so if there is any mistakes than im sorry <3

You ran through the college campus trailing behind Sidney. You two had just been attacked by ghostface while being escorted away from the college to protect Sidney. You were still processing your friend, Hallies, death. She didn't deserve to die. You felt guilty for not staying close to her, instead you went with Sidney to try to de-mask the Ghostface that lay unconscious in the car they had crashed in. When you and Sidney reached the car you noticed he was gone. You turned to see him jump out behind Hallie, brutally stabbing her to death. 

That's when you two ran, as far as you could. Sidney held onto your arm, you didn't know where she was going. You didn't question it either, she had been through this before. You trusted that she knew what she was doing. She guided you to the college's theatre. You both ran down the aisles upon aisles of chairs, calling for any help. You stopped when you and Sidney reached the stage. 

"Sid, I need a break." you bent over, placing your hands on your knees. You struggled to catch your breath. Sidney looked at you, her hand on your back. She looked around. Suddenly you two heard a noise. You saw the mechanisms on the stage start to move, walls being lowered down, blocking your ways out through the back stage. 

Sidney ran towards one of the barriers. "Fuck" She yelled, banging on them. She looked back at you, before noticing something coming down from the roof. It looked like a star. You glanced up at it, seeing someone hanging from it. 

"Derek?" You questioned, squinting your eyes. Sidney ran over when the mechanism lowered. She placed a hand on his chest. 

She began to untie him, struggling to undo the many knots that had been tied to keep him in place. You went to help her until you noticed a figure moving closer to the stage. 

"Um Sidney?" You moved your hand to tap her shoulder. "Who's that?" You asked, pointing your hand forward. It took you both a second to realise it was Ghostface. 

Sidney slipped out a curse, picking up the speed of untying Derek from the play prop he was tied to. 

The Ghostface climbed up onto the stage. You backed up. "Oh I wouldn't do that if I were you. You really want to try free your boyfriend?" He said, looking at Sidney. He began to talk again, this time with no voice changer activated. "Don't you know history repeats itself?" you all turned to look at him. He sounded familiar. 

"No" you whispered. You realised who it was. It was Mickey, your boyfriend. You denied it at first, hoping it was someone who sounded similar. Mickey would never want to kill someone.

You watched as the Ghostface removed his mask. Your heart dropped. It really was Mickey. He placed the voice changer over his mouth. "Surprise Sidney." He reached his arm out, dropping the device. 

He began to remove his costume. "Since Derek here disappeared on my ass, I've been on my own all fucking night." you all stood there, still in shock. "Thanks alot partner." You couldn't take your eyes off Mickey. You couldn't believe you trusted him or even loved him. Sidney slowly turned towards Derek, backing away. You realised what he said. Partner? Was Derek working with him? 

"You mother fucker" Derek exclaimed. "Sid he's crazy, you know me better than that." 

"Oh come on Sid, I gotta have a partner. I couldn't have possibly done this alone." Mickey looked manic. You were becoming scared of him. You've never seen him like this. 

Sidney's eyes began to water. She let out a breath of disbelief, staring at Derek. Derek began to panic, begging Sidney for help." No no, Sid he's lying" He turned his head to face you. "Y/N you don't believe him right?" You finally took your attention off of Mickey. Turning to face Derek, you didn't say a word. 

You heard Mickey laugh, he held the knife to his head. He kept repeating "Boyfriend or Killer '' Obviously directed towards Sidney. Derek began shouting at Mickey, claiming he was going to kill him. You and Sidney jumped when a bang suddenly filled the theatre. You heard Sidney screaming as she covered her hand over Derek's chest. You saw blood begin to drip down Derek's torso. You could barely process what happened. 

Mickey held the gun towards Sidney. "You should really deal with your trust issues. I mean poor Derek, he was completely innocent." You grabbed onto Sidney, pulling her back from your manic boyfriend. Mickey's focus finally fell onto you. "Ah Y/N. What a pleasure to see you here." 

"What the fuck is wrong with you." you said, voice cracking. "This isn't you, it can't be." You couldn't get your mind around the fact you have been dating a serial killer. 

"Oh but baby it is." He held his arms out to his side, smirking. "The one and only." You shook your head. 

"You fucker" Sidney shouted out. Mickey pointed his gun towards her again. 

"Don't you get involved bitch, I'm not done with you." You put your arm in front of Sidney. "Baby, come over here." Mickey motioned for you to go beside to him. You looked at Sidney. "No, no. Don't look at her." He ordered. "Look at me. Come over. This is between me and Sid. You don't need to be involved" 

Your eyes began to water. You didn't know what he was capable of. He could easily shoot you or even stab you the second you stand by him. "I- '' was all you could get out. You felt a lump in your throat. 

"You'll be ok. Just stand by me and I won't have to hurt your pretty face." He said, gun still pointing at Sidney. You closed your eyes, letting out a small cry. You turned to Sidney, apologising before walking over to Mickey. "Smart boy. You were always the only one out of them all to have common sense. It's what I love about you the most." You stopped as you stood beside him, your back facing Sidney. 

"Now, Sidney. What am I going to do with you?" Mickey asked, grabbing your hand, placing a knife in it. Your heart skipped a beat. Was he going to tell you to kill Sidney? You couldn't. No way. He leaned in towards you. "If she tries to run you swipe at her ok babe?" He patted your back, walking towards Sidney. You turned around, you could barely see. Your vision blurred from the tears that lay in your eyes. 

"Y/N.. No" Sidney looked at you, shaking her head. "We're friends." 

"Don't talk to him." Mickey shoved the gun closer to her. "He's none of your business now." You heard footsteps coming from behind Sydney. "Ah, our special guest has arrived." Sidney turned to look at the door. Gale walked in. 

"Gale?" You and Sidney both questioned. Gale shook her head. Walking forward more to allow someone else to walk in. You didn't know who she was. 

"Mrs Loomis?" Sidney questioned. You recognised the last name. You remembered Sidney telling you about her past boyfriend who shared the same last name. You guessed they must have been related. 

"Hello Sidney." She said walking behind Gale, pointing a gun to her back. 

"Surprised?" Mickey asked, smiling like a maniac. 

Mrs Loomis looked over at you, noticing the knife in your hand. "Recruiting someone else without my permission Mickey?" She looked at him. "Have you even explained why we are doing this?" She questioned, giving him a disappointed look. 

"No not yet, I was going to-" Mrs Loomis cut Mickey off. 

"No. You know what the deal was, no one else gets involved and we both get what we wanted." Mrs Loomis gave him a stern look "This is your fault" She moved her gun towards you, opening fire. You felt pain in your shoulder, shouting in pain. Sidney jumped in fear, screaming your name. 

"NO" Mickey shouted, watching you fall to the ground. He aimed his gun towards Mrs Loomis. He shot too soon. The bullet instead hit Gale's stomach. She hunched over in pain, stumbling to the side and falling off the stage. Mickey growls in anger. "You fucking bitch." He went to shoot again before Sidney grabbed his arm, pushing it up. Instead Mrs Loomis shot at Mickey, hitting his chest. He roared in pain. His gun falling out of his hand. Sidney backed away in shock. 

"Oh Mickey, you sweet dumb boy." She walked over to him. You looked up, seeing him on the ground. His gun had fallen and glided across the floor. It lay in front of you. "Your plan was never going to work. Blaming all this on the movies? Really? Nobody was ever going to believe such bullshit." She stood over him, aiming her gun at his head. "I'm doing this to Avenge my son who was murdered by that bitch." She turned her head looking at Sidney. "It's the most understandable motive." 

You knew Mickey probably deserved to die. He killed your friends but something in you didn't want him gone. Maybe it was the love you had for him that still lingered in your mind,you weren't sure. You grabbed the gun from in front of you, aiming towards Mrs Loomis, firing. She howled in agony. Turning back from looking at Sidney to see the blood spilling over her blouse. The bullet hit her shoulder. Her gun fell from her hand. Her free hand reached at the wound. She looked at you. You could tell she was furious. She stormed over to you,kicking you in the face causing you to fall down. You heard Sidney shout your name. 

"Fucking teenagers" Mrs Loomis said,grabbing the gun you held and pointing it towards you. You heard a bang, causing you to close your eyes, crying out. You heard something fall. You opened your eyes to see Mrs Loomis laying on the floor, blood coming out of her head. You looked over at Mickey. He was holding the gun Mrs Loomis dropped. He laughed to himself. 

Sidney ran up to him grabbing his arm, pushing it up again. He shot. The bullet striking the roof. He groaned, trying to fight Sidney off him. Sidney easily overpowered him, thanks to the bullet wound left on Mickey's chest. She grabbed the gun from his hand. Pointing it towards him, ready to pull the trigger. 

"Sidney." You said through a hoarse voice. She turned to face you. She looked at you with sympathy. She couldn't kill the man you loved right in front of you. She lowered the gun. 

"Pussy" Mickey whispered through a pained voice. Sidney rolled her eyes, kicking him in the face. He fell to the ground, losing his consciousness. You released a deep breath. She ran towards you. 

She kneeled down in front of you,placing her hand on your shoulder. "How are you feeling?" She asked. 

"Could be better" You laughed, wincing in pain at doing so. You both heard movement behind Sidney. 

Gale popped up from where she fell. "I'm fine too, thanks for asking" Cotton suddenly ran in, with paramedics coming in behind him. 

You sat in the back of an ambulance, looking at the paramedics wheeling Mickey out of the theatre in a stretcher. You felt yourself start to cry. You still couldn't believe that Mickey would do this. Sidney sat beside you, she rubbed her hand over your back. The paramedics ushered you into the ambulance. You forgot you had been shot, the pain of Mickey's betrayal hurt more than any bullet wound. You sat on the stretcher. Sidney didn't leave your side. Your head fell onto her shoulder. You didn't know what was going to happen to Mickey. You hated him for what he did, but something in you hoped things would work out in his favour. You knew it was unlikely but you still had a sliver of hope. 

[clownery-and-fuckery]

For the wip ask game, Tech and 501st babysitters and the really long modern au title lol

OH I LOVE BOTH OF THESE FICS.

Tech and the 501st babysitters is a little fic I'm writing heavily based on this fantastic fic by KellyBelly!!!

In this fic, during a mission with the 501st (no one is dead, Echo still joined the Bad Batch) Tech is separated and placed with a group of regs, they fuck around, find out. The usual.

Tech is cursed, the only real explanation I have is Jedi magic, but its great!!!! So, the 501st have to watch him while Anakin and Ahsoka try figure out WHAT the hell happened and how to fix it.

Chaos ensues, they try to keep it a secret, Tech is absolutely adorable. They're all horrible babysitters(lovingly) and they have a great time!!! Here's a snippet!!!!:

"What are you doing?" Fives can't help but laugh as he watched.

"Rex said holding him would calm him down!" Tup all but whined, holding the sniffling baby to his chest as he rocked them.

Fives snorted into his hands as his poor little brother struggled to hold the kid properly.

"Maybe if you hold 'im right," Jesse chimed in unhelpfully, standing up and stretching his arms. "Alright, give 'im here—"

Jesse wrestled the baby from Tup's hands, and nestled him calmly in the crook of his arm. "You have to support the head," He explained. "And make sure he's comfy- see? Isn't that better?"

The baby finally calmed, sniffling and yawning as he settled. "There we go," Jesse cooed, nodding to Tup. "Take the goggles, before he gets too comfortable –"

Fives watched them take the goggles off, and Jesse smiled wide. "I'm a natural at this," He gloated, smug. "You losers dont know the first thing about—"

Something dropped, and Jesse jumped, losing his hold for a brief moment. The whole barracks sighed as the kid began to shriek again, completely startled.

Jesse winced. "Whoops?"

Babysitter 501st has my heart and soul. So does little baby Tech (he's only a tubie here)!!!!!!

And the long title is: "Distraction- It Wasn't Meant To Be a Full-time Job" which is QUITE the mouthful 😭 it's a three-chapter fic that focuses on Tup, Hardcase and Dogma!!!! And, coincidentally, Fives and Jesse, too!! They're cuties <3

The description is:

"In which Fives made a life changing decision while he mourned his twin, finding life in three kids he swore he wouldn't get attached to during shore leave.

Jesse called bullshit, and ended up dragged along for the ride."

And that'll be coming.... eventually. I'm in the process of it rn. I just love Tup, and I wanted to give him a little spot in the Modern!AU 😭

WOW this got so long. I'm so sorry!!!! But I hope this answered your question >:]

[misc-obeyme]

🍄 anon here

Im so embarrased lol forgot to turn off the word swapper sorry about that

Really enjoyed your answer

In the future, asking about heavy subjects, should I put tw before the question?

Solomon strikes me as very shady now, I used to adore him for saving Beel, but him knowing bunch of things like (spoiler) who NB is and not telling mc, really got me off and spiraling in sus

Thanks again and much love!

Welcome back, 🍄 anon!

No worries, I figured it was something like that and just inserted MC in my mind lol!

You don't have to put a tw at the start of your ask, but you can! If you don't, I might put one at the start of my answer, just because I like to give people as many chances as possible to skip something they're not comfortable with. I always tag the post too so if they have those tags blocked, it'll block it for them. So it's up to you!

Ahh well of course your opinion on Solomon is valid. Anyone who was following me when NB first came out will see how I also spiraled about him because it felt like he wasn't telling us everything. I really struggled with it because I already loved him so much that at that point it felt like I was betraying him by not believing in him.

And in the end, I decided it was too much agony over a fictional character for me to continue with that nonsense. So I decided to think of it as, if Solomon is keeping secrets from MC it's because he's trying to protect them. I've chosen to trust him. And while I will still sometimes spiral about his role in the whole plot, in the end I can't hold it against him.

All that being said, I don't necessarily think any of that would impact how he would act toward an MC who wasn't fully consenting when it comes to sexy times. Even if it turns out that Solomon has ulterior motives for keeping secrets from MC about NB's identity and such, he's pretty obviously in love with MC. And Solomon has been so lonely for so long, I don't think he'd do anything to jeopardize his relationship with MC. That's why he often follows up sweet things with "just kidding" - because he's afraid to lose MC, the only one he's been this close to in who knows how long.

But this is just my opinion lol. You're certainly free to interpret any character however you like! And I embrace all such views, even if they differ from mine! That's part of what makes things fun, you know?

[kienansidhe]

Saw your tags on a post and wanted to mention that trans women having their bulge be seen as gross also isn't an exceptional experience. It's definitely more visible because they face hyper visibility, but bigots treat all trans people that way.

If you need a one to one many NBs who have a penis will have their bulge treated the exact same as trans women. For a different but comparable experience, people who pack have it treated as gross as well and it's assumed to be a sexual thing. Same thing with people who've had phalloplasty.

I've also seen cis gay guys treated that way too. It's "gross" and assumed predatory. Because the cisheteropatriarchy punishes any deviance from traditional masculinity and femininity, queer bodies are as a whole demonized and policed. And that means a lot of bulges are treated as inherently sexual, threatening, and gross by mainstream society.

You kind of ended up doing the exact thing the post was warning against, where you assumed X doesn't happen to Y group of people, and only Z group of people experiences that. It's something that's easy to do but I hope you'll be able to expand your knowledge of the topic with this and also consider future things more broadly. There are definitely a few experiences one group will have different than another, but there's also a lot more overlap than people think. And there are very few experiences that literally only one group has, even if the exact way people experience it might differ some.

thank you for your thoughts! i inhabit a transmasc body that has chosen to only partially transition, and i struggle a lot with moral ocd, so on this site where there r a lot of loud ppl saying that trans women / transfems have it the worst of anyone, while other people say that different trans ppls struggles are different but not better or worse, while trolls and bullies muddy the conversation constantly, i really have trouble figuring out whats what.

i kinda default to deferring to trans womens voices because i dont know what its like to be transfem, but like, of course different transfems say different things and not all can be right at the same time, so its very confusing! im very afraid of erring on the side of dismissing transmisogyny, i guess? and theres so many ppl on this site who jump at the chance to call any statement transmisogynistic that i am maybe putting 'ofc trans women have it worse' disclaimers in too many places? (this is NOT trans womens fault, i see this from every demographic and often most viciously from other transmascs.) like. not gonna lie, im very scared of people on social media lol.

im sorry if ive made people feel invalidated by the way i talk abt this stuff, especially since i feel invalidated a lot when ppl call transmascs transmisogynistic for talking abt transandrophobia/transmisandry? maybe i need to just stop commenting and listen more until i can comment more confidently and with less fear. i dont know? im open to input!

[edit: heres the post and my tags that anon is referring to]

[definitelynotshouting]

I’ve been trying to grasp why I’ve been so in love with hunger au, and it wasn’t until looking up the lyrics to ‘ibuprofen’ to try and spoil the next chapter for myself (I am very good at making things up) that I figured out why.

Your World building is beautiful and I’m a massive sci-fi fan I thought that was why I was originally so invested, but I realized that the entire story (as of rn) can be read as a metaphor for a type of personality disorder?

This isn’t me saying that the story MUST be a metaphor, or even that you intentionally wrote it like that, but goddamn it does click some button in me like oh!!

Sometimes w personality disorders it feels like all you can do is hurt people. You’re carefully restricting your actions and expressions so you dont ever get too comfortable and hurt someone, but you inevitably fail and all you can do is feel bad because you were able to be yourself and meet some kind of internal satisfaction but the result is other people being hurt and you still aren’t happy cause that’s inherently a bad thing.

And then the logical conclusion is that you should never speak or hang out with people (or like. Live.) ever again because it’s not right to be hurting other people with your mere existence.

Idk if anyone else has mentioned this before but yeah that’s this for me lol. But!! Help exists!!! and Grian will get help too with his watcher tendencies after he realizes that his existence isn’t inherently detrimental and that there are solutions for his problems if he uses his big boy words and asks.

And no one will forgive him for what’s happened overnight, and those who forgive him will still have been hurt, and some of his relationships will be permanently altered because of the way he’s hurt them. But it’s not the end for him and it’s not the end for anyone else!!

Sorry this is so long! Idk if I should tag anything sensitive in case you decide to respond so Ima leave that to you— I’m a tumblr lurker I’ve been here for years but never commented on anything lol. Ty for the story, keep living laughing and loving (It’s what Grian would want apparently) and have a good one!

placing some obligatory tws here for those with post filtering: tw for discussions of mental health, personality disorders, and minor suicidal ideation (in the ask)

alright with that out of the way this is actually really validating for me to hear bc a lot of what you're seeing in this has been inserted very deliberately. While its not intended to fully be a metaphor for having a personality disorder, a lot of what's been depicted does draw on that, so im really glad this resonates with you!!

At its heart and core, hunger au is about the raw process of recovery, and how grueling but ultimately rewarding it is to commit to getting better. Showing this process through the fic is, i suppose, my way of holding the hand of everyone who is struggling with their own recovery and saying "i see you. i understand. you arent alone."

I cant overstate how humbled i am by everyone who has taken the time to tell me how theyve seen themselves in hunger au. And the fic is just getting started!!! The fact that people are resonating this hard with it at only 5 chapters in just blows me away. Its everything ive wanted for this fic. Thank you for taking the time to tell me this, because im truly so grateful that i am making an impact with it, no matter how small or personal.

[pharaohbean]

Hey, saw your Prsk Unit Shuffle AU and am very interested in seeing more.

In particular, I'm interested in hearing more about how the groups formed. It's always neat to see how these characters first meet and interact under different circumstances. And, as a little bonus, maybe what their "Untitled"/theme song is, because I feel like that's a very key part of a unit's identity that tends to be overlooked.

(Not sure if you're still interested in asks about this AU. If not, sorry for bugging you about it)

GASP HELLO I LOVE TALKING ABOUT MY UNIT SHUFFLE AU im so sorry this too forever to get u back on!! schoolwork is a pain and then i went SHOPPING (which takes forever :sob:)

okok so i haven't really thought about all the details of how they get together? so bear with me this is a rough draft lol

SSS: the idea at the core of this group is that its a family with different strengths coming together to make music. so tsukasa is the scriptwriter, saki is the lyricist, toya is the choreographer, and kanade is the composer! the group is headed by tsukasa, who's actually been putting on these shows for all of them since he was a kid. as he got older, he started taking stardom more seriously (leading into canon), but an incident in middle school ended up with the tenmas legally adopting toya, so that definitely shook things up for tsukasa (in a good way!). so i think that (+ l/n not reforming, which does happen in the SSS main story) allowed tsukasa and saki to consider banding their strengths together, since tsukasa loved putting on shows and saki loved seeing them, but she would also help put them on for toya (and later kanade, when she joins them not long after toya does). the two of them very quickly realize that they need more hands, and although recruiting kanade as composer is easy (bc 25ji never forms- dont ask why im still figuring that out lol) toya is a lot harder bc he's still active under BAD DOGS with akito. however, with akito picking up AWR around the same time (+ hatsune freaking miku appearing to toya), toya does join under their choreographer as for their untitled, their song is Wonderland and the Sheep's Song by Hachi, but I worked out their line distributions to this lovely KYO cover! you can see my color-coded lyrics for them here if you're interested :)

R/l: im gonna be 100% honest with you SSS and AWR are the only ones with any semblance of a plot rn LOL but here's the base idea around R/l: mizuki and rui both congregate on the kami school rooftop bc, yknow, loners (mizuki is never reached out to by kanamafu, so not 25ji on their part. tsukasa doesnt end up applying for phoenix so wxs doesn't have a chance of forming). at some point, i imagine they got talking about music, but never did anything concrete. but not long into the main story (probably the very start) an also joins them, her dream of surpassing rad weekend getting weaker as she struggles to find a partner (koha will be explained later) so she goes to hang with her friend on the rooftop. at some point, mizu and an both accidentally enter sekai, where they meet miku and len. those two tell them that there's still two others they need to find because they also made the sekai. mizu and an get.... maybe a little too excited over this. an takes this chance to invite her friend haruka over to kami (so she transfers) and join the group, but in their search for their fourth member they end up accidentally alienating rui (ironic). they fix that tho-- although HOW i dont know lol their untitled was one i went back and forth on (tbh only SSS and AWR i didnt lol), but i eventually decided on Untitled Hymn by shaito! their color-coded lyrics are here (i just realized you can barely tell where an is in lines but ehhh)

ATD: okay so. ATD is the group thats given the most gosh-darn trouble. ive revised their cast motivations like, TWICE now. but basically it goes like this: shizuku and mafuyu are both members of the archery club, with mafuyu trusting shizuku so much that her public mask slips a couple of times (against her will). shizuku's not dumb, but she doesn't say anything bc i think she understands that mafu has her secrets. after shizuku quits being an idol (on more of her own terms), she still wants to find a way to share the light she had before that seemed to reach mafu a few times. enter: accidental sekai trip! this trip both gives shizu the idea for an online group (which could sorta count as MMJ but i think the big distinction is they do more streamer/vtuber stuff and less purely idol stuff?? im still working on that) and lets her see mafu with her mask fully off. eventually, shizu drags nene into the business (nene never attends kami here, workin on that) bc shizu and mafu have no idea how streaming works and nene does, but nene likes hiding behind the camera but is still a part of the group bc who can say no to shizu? and hona joins at shizu's request bc they're both beautification members (and apparently hona+mafu are both honors students so i wonder if they have some overlap?? can you tell ive never attended public school lol) their untitled gave me SO MUCH TROUBLE. because ATD is supposed to be a weird mix of 25ji and mmj? but all of their songs get swiped by either R/l, AWR, or even SSS, so it was hard to find something that i thought could be specifically them. eventually, i finally decided on Common World Domination by PinocchioP! Their color-coded lyrics can be found here :)

MxC: oh boy this one's a doozy. so the idea here is like... there are underground music rings? which sounds wild but like if music is vaguely the lifeblood of this world i DONT CARE it can happen! i don't wanna make it life-threatening tho so its more like... you get blacklisted from everything. which for shiho--who got sucked into this world in an attempt to find bandmates--is VERY BAD. but shiho's given a little bit to find a band before their first performance, but with l/n definitely gone their separate ways (and she never wanted to involve them in the first place) she's kinda stuck. enter: airi and ena! both of them had been watching the music battles, unsatisfied with their current lives (airi having just quit idol/tv work, ena just frustrated over her art), but airi knows shiho thru miya, and when she heard about shiho's impending doom, she resolved herself to very quickly learn guitar and join her group, roping ena (who has a little bit of drum experience from akito and mom) into it as well. meanwhile, while all of this is going on, kohane (being the sweet soul she is) has been trailing shiho out of concern, but then is entirely horrified at the underground battles bc shes still pre-canon meek. but she really wants to help shiho, so she agrees to try and learn keyboard. after clearing the first battle, shiho and her group are safe--for now. they'll have to clear a lot more battles if they want to escape the underground their untitled is Hello Builder by UtsuP since i wanted them to have harsher rock songs than l/n (bordering on metal-ish)! color-coded lyrics here :)

AWR: funny story--all of the above units were made in the order listed! so i got to AWR and... i have ichika, minori, emu, and akito. and im like "NONE OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON". and then i went. "WAIT. THATS IT!" so here's how AWR goes: ichika still tries to reform l/n, but fails; minori is still trying to become an idol; and emu is still trying to revive the wonder stage. all three of them, all attending miya ofc, end up bonding over this and they start thinking. is there a way to satisfy all three of their dreams (band, idol, and show) at once? and at FIRST the answer is "no lol" so they go exploring. and somehow someway (workin on that) word finds out about this and some guy on vivid street dares akito to try and fix em into shape in a week. akito--being akito--accepts quite hotheadedly, then quickly realizes that maybe this wasnt a good idea?? because EVERYONE has a different music taste and its almost impossible to keep up with them all!!! but eventually they do figure it all out, and by the end none of them wanted to split apart or anything. AWR is i think the group that has the least amount of direction which might be on purpose. i think (again im rambling rn so) part of their story is figuring out what their direction is going to be! their untitled is Lip Sync by DECO*27, written as a part of holo*27 (hi no im not rlly into vtubers i just like their music) but i count it bc its written by a voca producer and this would not be the first time a non-vocaloid sung a unit song (cough cough mafumafu and tuyu). you CAN find my color-coded lyrics here.... but i did the translations. which means they're pretty much 98% google translated then bonked around to make sense. i dont know japanese please dont sue me

i hope you enjoy my indepth explanation!!! im always happy to talk about these guys :D