#im so tired of this fucking disorder lol

[tianshiisdead]

Forget school actually please send hate to distract me from no money I'm so hungry o(-( dunno how much longer I can go with the 1 food item per day money saving scheme to attempt to afford rent

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[bashirenthusiast]

.

[petite-gloom]

at such a personal breaking point recently im wondering if its worth trying to swap my sleep clinic referral from oxford to london. the clinic in london is a lot bigger and ig im wondering if the waiting times would be shorter. i dont know if thats even really a thing (swapping) but my oxford appointment has already been pushed back twice and it leaves me with so little hope every day lol. whats stopping them from just completely resetting the 16 month wait time a week from the appointment

my general quality of life and overall health is at an all time low. i spend all night awake and restless, hallucinating. spend all day too drowsy to do more than one measly task. barely leave the house and when i do i almost always have to try and stop somewhere to take a discrete nap. i dont trust my body or my brain or my perception. idk what im supposed to do but i fr can’t live like this and its so wild how they just abandon you in the abyss until the specialists have time to see you. the side effects of long term disordered sleep/deprivation are eating me alive and frankly im too tired to fight. like i dont know how to talk about any of it im just so beyond fucked and any hope of help is still so far away

[endcrman]

Allostasis

(Chapter 2)

As a general rule of thumb, Grian doesn’t do public servers for a multitude of reasons. This one hadn’t even made it onto the list.

TW for implied sexual assault, PTSD symptoms, Self-Neglect, and minor Disordered Eating

Read the whole fic here.

-

Grian woke to more messages. Some from hermits, but he didn't bother looking at those too closely, too preoccupied with the hours-old notification in the universal chat.

samgladiator: griannnnnnn

samgladiator: i know you havent blocked me grian cmon

samgladiator: are you mad about the redstone thingy? i was just goofing and gaffing you know what im like lol

Grian laid his head back against his pillow, eyes closed as he tried to figure out how to respond. His eye hurt. He didn't want to get out of bed. He didn't want to build, he didn't want to fish, he didn't want to work on anything right now. He was tired.

His comm buzzed again.

GoodTimeWithScar: hey grain, how are you doing after yesterday?

Grian: bit tired, but just fine! thanks for checking in

He was tapping out a lie before he could even think about it, not wanting to worry Scar. He had enough to concern himself with even before Grian was involved, he didn't have to add any more stressors to his plate.

Scar said something else, but Grian had closed his messages already, opening Sam's again, staring at them. What was he even supposed to say to that? Call him out on his bullshit? Laugh along with his shitty excuse of a joke? A voice in the back of his head was telling Grian to block him, but that would just make Sam mad, he reasoned.

Grian: what do you want sam

He regretted the message the instant he sent it, flinching as he turned off his comm again. Why was he so stupid? Why couldn't he leave well enough alone?

Grian turned over on his side, pulling a pillow over his head with a groan as the communicator buzzed. If only he hadn't just woken up, then he could fall asleep again and ignore all of this for even longer. 

Of course, Grian had no such luck. Instead he laid there, staring at the blank wall in front of him.

His comm buzzed yet again and Grian let out a bitter laugh, he could almost imagine Sam staring in anticipation at his own comm, waiting for Grian to get back to him after all this time. It was kind of pathetic, if that was what he was doing. How lonely was he?

And yet, Grian was reaching over to read his messages anyways.

samgladiator: i'm sorry.

samgladiator: like for real. no jokes. i know we were really messed up as kids and ive been working on it i promise. i guess i saw you and it just felt like we were kids again. fucked up but still in it together. i didnt mean it

He was still trying to process the words when another message came through, automatically populating the chat.

samgladiator: you can keep ignoring me if you want, i get it :( but if youre ever willing, i wanna make it up to you. text me whenever

He was going to throw up. There were a few panicked moments as he dug through his chests, silently pleading to anyone listening that he actually had a bucket up in his base, not just lost in his chest monster down below. His wishes were answered luckily, however unneeded, as he curled over the metal bucket on the floor, retching and dry heaving. His stomach was already empty, bile burning his throat, but that wasn't enough to curb the ill piercing it's way through his entire being.

Grian wasn't sure how long he sat there, bucket in his lap as his body tried to evacuate his stomach's non-existent contents. He was trembling when he finally managed to stop gagging, the bucket empty aside from a couple stray tears that had made their way down his cheeks. He was so tired again.

Shakily, he set the bucket down on the ground, easily accessible just in case. The sound of metal meeting the wooden floor was so, so loud in his ears, echoing around his base, making him flinch. Grian took a deep breath, carefully getting up on two wobbly legs before rolling into bed again. He should eat. 

He didn't get up, falling asleep again.

-

I'm sorry. Sam might as well have written those words on the inside of Grian's eyelids, as often as he was stuck thinking about them. Sam didn't apologize, that was part of what made him so insufferable to begin with, always convinced that he was in the right. So what the hell was this?

Grian wasn't sure how long it had been since he received those last messages from Sam, not really bothering with the passage of time. He'd spent most of said time thinking, turning over what had happened and what Sam had said in his head, picking at pieces of food he had laying around the base, and making up excuses to not have to see any other hermits.

He knew he was in a sorry state, and he knew he had to pull himself together before anybody saw him. Unfortunately, the universe seemed to have other plans.

“Grian!” Joel's voice was loud, Grian almost didn't recognize it as his own name, directed towards him. He pulled a pillow over his head, squeezing his eyes shut. Maybe if he ignored him, he'd go away.

That was too much to hope for though. Why would Joel ever go away when he could cause problems instead?

“Grian! It's Sunday!” His voice was getting closer, and all Grian could think to do was hold the pillow even tighter over his head. “It's Sunday and you're not at the permit office! Get your butt out here! Or else I'll come in, and drag you out of your birdhouse by your scrawny little ankles, I swear to-'' Joel's voice peaked in both volume and proximity the same time it petered off into uncertainty. Then, it was quieter again. “Grian?”

Grian just groaned in response, holding the pillow even tighter over his head, maybe he could suffocate in it. Then he would respawn, Joel would laugh it off, call him some names for being stupid enough to do something like that, and everything would go back to normal instead of whatever else was about to happen, whatever lecture he was about to receive.

No such luck. Instead he felt a touch on his forearm, something he instinctively rolled away from which left him looking up at the other, wide eyes meeting even wider. He opened his mouth to say something, but couldn’t force anything to come out. He noticed too late to stop just how tightly he was clutching the pillow to his chest, he must look like a mess.

Joel slowly withdrew his hand, and judging by how his brows furrowed and ears flattened against the top of his head the mess part was definitely true. Without wasting another moment, Joel schooled his expression into something more neutral— as if his tail flicking back and forth didn’t give him away— and sat bodily onto the foot of Grian’s bed, bouncing on the mattress.

“You seem busy, the permit office can wait,” he said with a shrug, not looking directly at Grian. He sat cross-legged, pulling his tail into his lap to brush the fur into place, pulling out a leaf and dropping it on the floor without even checking if Grian would care. His wings itched at the reminder of what could be. “Impulse’s wall is starting to get some graffiti on it, have you had a chance to see? Gem’s got a real good tag up there, I think you’d like it.”

Grian was silent, pulling his legs up just a bit so they weren’t in Joel’s way and shifting onto his back to look up at the ceiling instead of the tanuki in front of him. He couldn’t tell if this was better or worse than if the other had just confronted him about what was going on.

“I’ve actually been thinking about what I want to put on it,” Joel continued after a moment, as if the other actually had responded. Grian’s muscles ached from the sudden movements after what felt like days of disuse, leading to him stretching his legs out again, around Joel this time, but he didn’t seem to mind. “I need to put something up over by my base, I couldn’t stand it if it didn’t match my build, even if it was undeniably fantastic.”

He just kept talking, filling the empty air with his voice. Grian wouldn’t admit it, but it was sort of soothing, having somebody else around instead of just jumping from thought to thought, getting lost in them and feeling worse and worse.

It did start feeling awkward after a little, having Joel sit while he laid in bed, so Grian forced himself to sit up even as his muscles protested, at least a little, leaning back against the headboard of his bed.

“Thought you might have fallen asleep or something,” Joel joked once Grian had settled, making him look away in embarrassment. “I wouldn’t have blamed you, you look blummin’ tired, huge bags under your eyes. Something bothering you?” He asked, as if the answer wasn’t obvious. Grian only shrugged, not trusting his voice after so long, thankfully Joel didn’t push for an answer beyond that, coming to the same conclusion. “Stupid question, sorry. New question, when’s the last time you got out of bed?”

Grian must have made a face at that, because Joel laughed before managing to catch himself, snapping his mouth shut, which pulled the quietest huff of laughter out of Grian in turn. Just that by itself made his throat hurt a bit.

“Don’t laugh at me, I’m trying to be a good friend here.” Joel’s tone was light, and his smile made it clear he considered the small noise a success. “Hey, bed boy, let’s get you up and clean, how’s that sound? You go shower, and I’ll make you some real food.”

He wanted to protest, but his throat felt all closed up, and his traitor of a stomach growled at the thought of something other than stale bread for the first time in forever. Instead he pouted, petulant, and held his hands out.

“Yes!” Joel pumped his fist, making Grian roll his eyes. This was so stupid. “Sorry, come on, let’s get you moving again.” He slid off the bed first, taking Grian’s hands and helping him stand up. He almost fell at first, leaning far too much of his weight onto Joel, his legs wanting to do nothing but lay down again. “Careful, can you stand by yourself?”

It took a couple hundred ticks for him to stop swaying, and a couple more for him to finally stand on his own, wings spread just a bit to help him keep balance. He took a deep breath, trying to think of anything but said wings.

“Good job, you’re doing great,” Joel murmured, and it didn’t sound mocking at all, but Grian couldn’t help himself from ruining everything good that happened to him.

“I’m not a child,” he croaked out, voice rough from disuse, it almost didn’t sound like him.

Joel must have thought the same, because he looked shocked, though he quickly gathered himself again. “I know you’re not,” he scolded gently, too kind, “but you look like you’ve been through hell and back, and I want to make this as easy for you as possible."

And now he felt bad, guilty, for ever considering anything different than that. “Sorry,” he managed, even quieter, but Joel shook his head.

“Go get cleaned up, alright? I’ll make some food for you.” He brushed Grian’s hair out of his eyes, brows furrowing again, and he only pulled away when Grian nodded, throat hurting too much to say anything else at the moment.

He didn’t think Joel was going to find anything to make in his base right now, having neglected to actually fill many of the chests, Grian was lucky to have had enough bread to last him as long as it had. Regardless, he made his way to the tiny shower he’d managed to cram into the base, cranking the water heat up as high as it could for now and carefully pulling his t-shirt he’d been wearing for void knows how long off over his wings. He crinkled his nose, imagining the smell he’d become blind to and immediately feeling grateful that Joel hadn’t said anything about it.

Grian kicked off his pants without much fanfare and immediately dove into the shower, melting under the hot water. Now that he was made aware of it, he could feel the layer of grime that was surely there covering his skin, burning water finally melting it away. He carefully sat on the floor of the shower, barely managing to fit in the small space, especially with his wings. He took a deep breath, resting his head on the wall behind him, and just soaked it up like a fish left out of the river for too long, he chuckled softly to himself at the comparison.

He must have dozed off or something, because he jolted awake at the sharp knock on the door, and Joel's voice coming from just outside of it. “You alright in there Grian? Food’s almost done!”

“Y-yeah!” He called back before even thinking about it, regretting it immediately, voice scratchy. His throat hurt, but he didn't have time to worry about that, fumbling for the shampoo among the other bottles in the shower with him.

He definitely spent too much time just sitting under the water, so he tried to properly clean himself up as quickly as possible, so Joel wouldn't be left waiting. It wasn't long before he was out again, towel around his waist, hair and feathers dripping as he peeked out the door into the rest of the base.

“Joel?” He tried not to speak too loudly, not wanting to irritate his throat more, but he needed the other's attention. It seemed the other wasn't wandering far though, with how quickly he reappeared. “Can you-” He coughed. “Can you bring me clean clothes?”

Joel brightened up the more he spoke, nodding quickly as his tail swished behind him. “Of course! Be right back!” And he was off again.

He was back just as quick, and Grian didn't have the energy to ask him how he managed to find everything so easily, and whether or not his closet was left in decent state. Instead he closed the bathroom door again, pulling on clean clothes and already feeling a bit better. The sweater topped that feeling off, covering him like a security blanket. He shook the water out of his hair and wings before padding out into the main room again, catching a whiff of something that smelled amazing.

“Hey,” Grian's gaze fell on Joel, who was setting up a place for him to sit. “Your hair's a mess still.”

He blushed, shrugging his shoulders. He sat down before Joel even suggested he did, feeling tired.

“I can brush it for you,” he offered, setting down a grilled salmon in front of Grian, whose mouth was watering already. “I've done it for Lizzie before, I promise not to pull.”

“Did you catch this?” Grian asked instead, forcing himself to slow down before he ate the whole thing immediately.

“Borrowed one of your poles, figured you wouldn't mind too much,” Joel explained, setting a steaming mug down in front of him too.

He hummed softly in response, forcing himself to slow down after a couple bites and taking a sip of the tea Joel had made him. Far too sweet.

“I added some extra honey,” either Joel was reading his mind, or he'd made a face without realizing. “Your throat sounded pretty rough, it'll be good for you.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, truly meaning it, whether it sounded that way or not. Joel was pretty quiet while he finished eating, puttering around the small base, occupying himself. Eventually he finished, pushing the plate away for later, and he heard Joel coming up behind him.

“I found your brush, mind if I take care of your hair?”

Grian sighed, a little smile creeping onto his face. “I guess, you promised not to pull though,” he reminded the other, head tilting back a bit.

“And I meant it!” Joel sounded offended, though he snickered after a second. “It'll help, you'll feel more like a person,” he murmured, and Grian felt him starting to work his fingers through his hair.

“You've been helping a lot already,” Grian admitted softly, relaxing easily into the touch. How long was his hair now? It couldn't be too much longer than he usually kept it.

“Glad to hear,” for once Joel didn't sound smug or full of himself, just genuinely glad. “How long have you been out of it?” The brush started working it's way through his hair.

“Dunno,” Grian mumbled, taking a deep breath. “Since… Since I last went off server,” he felt himself tense a little at the reminder, wings twitching.

“With Scar and Mumbo?” Joel kept his tone even, non-judgemental for once. “They mentioned your eye, was that what happened?”

A hand suddenly flew up to his eye, gently touching the skin near it. “P-part of it. Is it still there?” He'd been avoiding looking in the mirror since.

“Barely,” Joel assured him, and the motion of the brush through his hair started relaxing him again. “I only noticed because I knew to look for it. You said part, what else happened?”

He felt like his throat was closing up, eyes watering a little. “My- my wings,” he managed out, taking a deep breath. “Something happened.”

“Something,” Joel repeated, hands never stopping. “Are they alright? Nothing broken at least? They don't look broken.”

“N-nothing broken,” Grian confirmed, feeling them tremble, just a little. “Don't really wanna-”

“That's fine,” Joel murmured, and it was quiet for a moment. “With me? Or with anyone?”

He didn't know how to answer that, opening his mouth to begin speaking, only to close it when he couldn't think of anything. No, not Joel specifically, but he wasn't sure who, if he would anyone.

“I usually braid Lizzie's hair when I'm done,” Joel said nonchalantly, the brush regretfully leaving Grian's head, “but yours is pretty short. We could try a little ponytail if you want, I think it'd be fun.”

Grian shook his head, reaching for the mug of tea again. Knowing Joel, he'd gather up all the hair in front of his head, pull it all together right on his forehead… Though maybe not today specifically.

There was silence for a bit, comfortable, until Joel decided to speak again. “Would you tell Mumbo?”

Grian froze. Would he? He could. Mumbo knew the kind of stuff he went through when he was young, even if just vaguely. He was scared though, there was always the chance, no matter how small, that Mumbo would scold him when he found out just how deep that rabbit hole went.

“Careful, you'll shatter that,” Joel warned him, moving to take the mug from his white-knuckled hands, setting it down on the table again. Grian hadn't even noticed how tightly he'd been holding onto it. “Not Mumbo then, what about Scar?”

Scar. Scar didn't know any of it. At least, he knew less than Mumbo, he'd have less context clues to put it all together, he'd be reliant on the details Grian told him, and only those.

“... Maybe, I don't know,” he answered honestly, tracing the grain in the table with his finger.

“Maybe is better than no, or trying to shatter a cup of boiling tea all over yourself,” Joel was being dramatic, it wasn't even steaming anymore. “Why don't you take a nap? I'll get him over here in the meantime, I think he'll help, even if you don't tell him.”

Grian hadn't even realized how tired he was again, the thought of a nap sounding much more pleasing to him than it usually would. He didn't even think to argue, nodding as he carefully got up from the table, a yawn escaping him.

“Careful now,” Joel warned, helping him to bed. Grian would have taken offense at that were he not so exhausted, and the second he was laying down again he was out like a light.

[bunnihearted]

☁️🐇💭

i dont know it all makes me feel so not human, like im missing out on a big human experience. everyone around me has a partner or have had one/multiple. even my old friend a, who i recently messaged a bit with.. even he has a bf. an all of my old friends have currently a partner, and my old classmates have partners and i dont know i just really wonder whats so wrong with my and why im not allowed to be a part of humanity. i know im extremely ugly and have an unappeaking body and on top of that an atrocious personality but like....... so do other ppl. a few of my old friends are bullies and theyre ugly as i am but they're still married and live with their boyfriends... what is so incredibly different with me, why dont i get go partake in humanity???? im like 35 fkn yrs old and never. never. i lack smth so major about being a humanbeing. recently i read a romance book abt two ppl in their 30s who were virgins and fell in love, but like even they had experienced kissing. which i havent. not even a peck. ive never been flirted with never been asked on a date never ever. and i also feel like im quickly getting older and it gets more and more embarrassing bc society ARE judgemental. am i gonna date someone for the first time when im 33yrs old and be like yeah sorry im 33 but ive never even kissed bro im terrible and useless with all of that. no fucking adult is gonna wanna "teach" or have patience with a 33yr old partner who dont know anything about any of that like be for real. i cant hide it either bc they will tell when i dont even know how to kiss. this is if i even ever get to be in a romantic/sexual situation lol.

and like no it isnt normal. most ppl, like the fucking majority, like at least 8/10 ppl have had SOME sexual experience, even if its just kissing. i have zero. like i dont even have experience in flirting. "its ok its normal" no it isnt, its fucking sad and pathetic and humiliating and sets me apart from the rest of humanity, the rest of the world. im 25 and it means im undesirable and unwanted. "u dont have to be in a relationship to be whole" but i WANT to. i used to just want friends, i was fine for somany years with being alone and just wishing to meet friends. but not anymore, it doesnt do anything for me anymore. if anything it only emphasizes my loneliness, bc my so called friends will spend a couple of hours hanging out with me, then they will go home to their partner, they person they have chosen and been chosen by, and i will go home to an empty apartment and be all alone. i dont really care for friendships anymore, i used to see it as a soothing balm to the wound, maybe not the proper treatment for it, but at least it could work as a bandaid. but now it just reminds me of how fucking unwanted i am. sure they might want to have some sort of semi closeness with me, but a mere friendship doesnt allow the closeness and intimacy i need and want. i will never be number 1, the first priority, the one and only, the one they'd do anything for, the one they wanna know better than everyone else, the one they want to spend alltheir time with, the one they're crazy about, to just a friend. it only reminds me that im never good enough or special or important enough to be chosen.

so i just dont care for friendships, they make me hollow and empty and make me feel lonely. because i wanna be so so close to someone. where we almost blend together. you dont do that with friends. u dont have sex and let eo see eachother completely naked - metaphorically - and vulnerable. u dont stay completely loyal and prioritize your friends. i want one person to pour everything into, share everything with. im tired and i dont care about spreading some shards, some splinters of me around widespread. and with how my brain works, how fucking disordered it is, i dont even have the energy to entertain and maintain several different friendships, none of them as deep and profound as i crave. i dont have that in me. i need one person to give it all to. i dont have the energy for more than that, it just doesnt work for me. i dont know. i used to think i wanted friends, and maybe i will get to a place again where i will be able to. maybe. idk anything. but really i cant see how i'd be able to have the energy to give a little bit of me to multiple people. that only makes me feel empty and lonely. i want smth with one person withno barriers between us. idc for anything else anymore i just dont. and thats why i feel so fucking lonely because im dying of thirst and everything that isnt what i want feels like nothing but drops of acid making me slowly fkn die lol

[afterhours-system]

omg transbipolar tips please? (if that's ok ofc!) if u do ty sooooo much (and no worries if not! ty anyway 4 being on tumblr :3)

hiii hello :33 heres some transbipolar tips from a cisBP II guything :D

general tips!!

track 👏 your👏 mood 👏!! i'd suggest one mood tracker for the moods/emotions you're actually experiencing (to track progress for example) (i use Daylio, it's great!) & one for the moods/episodes you want to experience! for BP specific moods (mainly depression/mania) i use Bipolar UK!

exaggerate your regular daily moods! if you've been in a good mood all day but suddenly feel a bit down play it up! i've gone from cruising in a very high mood (perhaps even bordering on hypomanic) to absolutely crashing for days because of one bad mood swing :P

hypomania & mania tips!!! (note: ive yet to experience a 100% manic episode, so i dont have as much personal experience there!)

hypomania: hypomania is characterized, for me, by very very high energy, high productivity (but never finishing anything), lots of inspiration & creative drive and feeling wayyy more social than usual!

also, completely losing track of my finances, needing less sleep (like. 2-3hrs & i feel well rested where i usually need 8-9,,), less need for food, almost no actual feelings of hunger (once in a month long ep i only ate One Piece Of Bread per day with the occasional (once a week max) pizza & was "fine") & being more open to drinking (and/or considering trying to get my hands on 'harder' stuff like psychedelics) where i usually straight up dont like alcohol!

i'd recommend going off of what's alr there for you; so if you notice you've been in a pretty good mood recently, say that's a hypomanic episode now! go out a lot (clubbing if you want to/can!), make efforts to meet new ppl & make friends, be very motivated & high energy and do everything (and i mean everything!) in excess (talk fast af & never stop talking, be restless and pace around, constanty occupy yourself w/ smth bcs otherwise you'll be understimulated af)

for mania: crank up everything about hypomania by about 300%. it's like there's a million bees inside your bones, you feel restless cant be still do a thousand things in a day, lose all sense of responsibility & become extremely reckless, either due to your extremely elevated mood or because of delusions or other psychotic symptoms.

oh yeah, psychosis! in a mixed ep i spent a day convinced i had somehow accidentally ingested alcohol (i hadnt)! intrusive thoughts, extreme anxiety around it, physical, olfactory & taste-based hallucinations around it, the whole package.

other BP based psychosis ive experienced: visual hallucinations (insects & spiders for me), jumbled & rapid thoughts (it felt different to adhd fast thoughts it was so weird lol)

see this article (link) for other psychotic symptoms during manic (or depressive!) episodes in pwBP!

i'd probably recommend "picking a theme" for delusions & halluciantions & the like, to make it easier to focus on them? tho i havent experienced psychosis enough to know if i have a 'theme' :P

depressive episodes!!

my least favorite (also, i feel like more things are known abt depression) (ALSO- i have seasonal affective disorder too which influences my BP episodes)

depressive episodes mean extreme lethargy for me. im tired 24/7 no matter how much sleep i get (& i'll be getting way more than usual. 10-12 hrs on average with the occasional 13 hrs 🥶).

very little movement. physical, mental, emotional, metaphyical. i often get stuck in bed, if not physically then mentally. spending my day anywhere but in my bed will feel weird & wrong. i will feel pretty numb/wont have access to my emotions anymore & often compltely stop thinking abt & processing my day-to-day life

^ this usually results in strong amnesia around depressive episodes but that might be a plural thing so. take it w a grain of salt lol

depressive episodes also make me self isolate as fuck. im talking forgoing my physical needs if theres a Chance i'll run into my roommate.

oh, yeah, also i just stop taking care of my basic physical as well as i do when balanced. i need to be starving to be able to get up & eat smth, & god forbid i want to actually cook smth rather than eating frozen pizza or eating out/ordering in

i also usually stop doing anything more creative than daydreaming (hashtag immersive daydreaming gang/silly) but even those are less immersive and less frequent. i'll be artblocked 24/7, have no inspiration or motivation and probably wont even miss drawing :P

& thats it! i hope you can find smth usefull in my rambling :3c /gen

and good luck & have fun with your transition!! you have my full support :D /gen

[cycle-hit]

kotoko being a drop out/"on break" will never not be important to me. she says its just because theres "something she wanted to do" but i know its deeper than that girl. you dont go on break or drop out just because you abruptly decided you need to hunt down criminals with no deeper reason. did you grow tired of what you were being taught kotoko. did you realise that none of it would actually help the cause youre fighting for and become frustrated. did you realise what youre being taught actually just perpetuates the unfairness of the system.

like. i make fun of kotoko by saying "she'd probably beat the shit out of you if you said acab" but kotoko. WASNT trying to become a cop. she went to law school for at least two years instead of a police academy. its not like she wouldve been afraid of the direct confrontation that comes with policework either. she knew the justice system sucked shit and desperately wanted to change the world's beliefs, enough to the point she deliberately chose to go into law instead of becoming a part of the corrupted police force.

kotoko PLEASE just tell us your childhood trauma. PLEASE. I WANT TO KNOW WHY OUTSIDE OF MILGRAM YOU ONLY HUNTED CRIMINALS WHO ENDANGERED WOMEN OR CHILDREN. I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU KNEW ENOUGH TO NOT GO INTO THE DOGSHIT POLICE SYSTEM WHEN YOUR BLACK AND WHITE BELIEFS AND BEHAVIOUR IN T2 COULDVE EASILY LED YOU TO THAT. WHAT DROVE YOU TO THE BOILING POINT OF "TAKING A BREAK" FROM EDUCATION.

"umm shes a cop in t2" yes but also no. she is very much meant to be reminiscent of a cop but we made her into that. she was desperate to see milgram (and in proxy, es) as being the ultimate determination of "right and wrong" or "good and evil" because she wanted to be told that what she did was right. so she could have a reason to keep going. and then that same system, us, essentially told her "yeah you were correct in beating up that guy bc he was evil" with our t1 innocent verdict with no further thought put into it. and then we went "yeah we judged these four prisoners as guilty" or. "evil" in the standards kotoko gave. and two of those prisoners were two people who kotoko questioned if they really belonged in milgram (mahiru and mikoto) and then. A CHILD.

we told her that a woman, a child, and a guy with a disorder were "evil". like. damn imagine trusting so fully in the narrative and then having it hit you in the face with a complete "yeah you know the "weak" you wanted to protect? these people fit all those criterias. but we judged them evil and also that it was cool to beat the shit out of that guy because the vast majority of innocent voters in trial 1 affirmed the absolute worst parts of her eagerness to fight crime. so yeah what we're saying is go beat the shit out of the people you once strived to protect. lol. lmao." like. damn. fuck.

and not es. btw. es didnt say that. es tells us multiple times that they didnt want this. the fuckign voices dude!! kotoko can literally HEAR why people thought she was innocent and the vast majority played fully into her "i want to be told i was right so i don't have to think about it anymore- think about myself anymore." in the absolute worst ways possible. kotoko wasnt a "cop" pre-milgram or in trial 1 as much as she is in trial 2 because that wasnt who she was. we made her into that.

anyways. srry. im terminally diseased about kotoko

[weebsinstash]

the overturning of Roe v Wade happened and pregnancy felt disgusting and a physical threat to be defeated

I felt that. I an asexual person with zero intention of getting married or having a baby but seeing Roe v Wade, I just... feel the need to have my tubes tied? Which should not even be a thing I consider since I have no plans to have sex. Those radical religious/misogynisitc views that are popping up nowadays just make me feel very disgusted at things that are... Really not horrible. Nothing wrong about being a housewife, or getting pregnant, but the way those incels with a mic talk about women in their podcasts just create very unhealthy relationships between women and "womanhood"/traditionally feminine things.

What's so fucked up is like the exact same people saying shit like "oh these gross LGBTQRSTUV alphabet mafia freaks are trying to groom and molest our kids! How dare they try to say kids need to learn about safe sex and periods and not to send nudes or address sex in any way other than abstinence!" will then turn around say "wow, asexuals? How UNNATURAL. You aren't PROCREATING like GOD INTENDED. You're ALSO somehow grooming our kids" and it's just like. Fuck. Leave people alone about their fucking sexuality and gender presentation.

And then sometimes I try to discuss this with my mom because like we discuss politics a lot and she's, you know, a woman and has raised me and ill seek her perspective as my mom and a woman and an adult, and sometimes she'll just be "oh don't read all that, youre getting upset over trolls, people are just stupid" ok well these stupid people can VOTE and sometimes these stupid people ARE the ones we're voting for!!! Like! I'm so tired of seeing bullshit like Americans saying "haha good on Country XYZ for making it legal to beat those t slurs in public, this is just MODERN WESTERN PROPAGANDA" and I want to scream shit like "India has recognized trans people for over 3000 years you fucking bigoted moron"

Like!!! Ugh!! Should I be furious or sad!!! (Putting the rest under a rm because this gets a little long and I also discuss abortion/miscarriage)

Fucking idiots saying shit like "oh just use birth control there's like 30 kinds" and guess what motherfucker literally the only 100% effective ones involve SURGERY. Even my OWN MOTHER got pregnant on a diaphragm. Fuck you! Fuck you! You think abortions are being used as birth control? I know at least two people who've had them and they can be ABSOLUTELY EXCRUCIATING, I am talking SCREAMING TO STOP THE PROCEDURE KINDS OF PAIN. "Oh women just want to avoid accountability" bitch some of them don't want to DIE, some of them can't raise a disabled child, some of them have diseases and conditions that can't be passed on

I... may have had some risky sex a while back with, minor precautions, ok I'll be the dumb irresponsible slut and say the pull out method was used, and while nothing came of that, obviously, literally my game plan after it happened and post nut clarity hit was "ok well I know if I need an abortion there are people who literally terrorize you outside the clinics so maybe I'll just kill myself". And you know what, I wasn't even intending to do that kind of thing, the unsafe sex, it was just, you know, happened fast and in the heat of the moment, and it happened briefly. Even I, as someone who has never wanted children and FEARED motherhood all my life, made that kind of mistake. And I spent the following three weeks in absolute TERROR waiting for my period, thinking of all the people who would happily force me to carry a child that would no doubt inherit my physical disability, my genetic disorders, and wouldn't be wanted by me or the father (and im not saying that as anything against him we are both very anti kid lol)

It's so upsetting because like, people have different opinions, and in some cases can you really say if an opinion is right or wrong? But so often do I see things that are inhumane, grotesque even. I was reading a story of a woman who was forced to carry a malformed fetus to a full pregnancy where it passed that same day. Here you have a woman who was forced to deliver what was essentially a corpse, the trauma that must have caused her, not just in mind but also in body. 9 months, 9 months of knowing it was being born just to die. And. People were legitimately replying "better that than to be ripped limb from limb inside the womb" that's a specific form of third trimester abortion which wasn't even what she was asking for you fucking idiot. "Better for the baby to know its mother's touch" it literally didn't have a properly formed brain and we don't even know if it could have even SENSED anything besides agony. "I would have wanted to hold my baby before it passed" you would have let a fetus which had abnormalities discovered in the first trimester to fully develop into a child so it could die in horrible pain just for your moral closure?

I read a comment just a few days ago that was legitimately one of the most disgusting things I had ever read and dear God I hope this person was lying but they said "I know a catholic woman who was pregnant and found out her baby would be born terminal and die shortly after birth. She carried it the full pregnancy so she could baptize it" THAT'S ABHORRENT. For you non religious folk, which I am too but I have some secondhand knowledge, the point of baptism is the idea that we are all born into sin and must be like cleansed to be children of God or something like that. And to be blunt I consider this woman an absolute monster and I replied as such.

"She let a newborn baby suffer in agony just so she could dip it in her magic fairy water? And she thinks she's the GOOD GUY?"

It's just. Ugh. I don't even know. I use culture and country as an excuse for religious freedom and sexual and gender expression (ie. Banning trans people from being visible is prejudiced to Indians, Native Americans, Samoans, Judaism, etc) but then people turn around and say "but it's my culture or religion to be homophobic/not allow abortion" and then I just want to say "well you're just an idiot who can't think for themselves then and you need to get with the fucking times :)" like obviously I am not perfect but I believe basic human rights transcends borders and beliefs. Like for example, similar but different, Malaysia is about to literally hang a man just for having a kilo of weed and people are happily saying "don't do the crime if you can't do the time" and its like do you understand it's inherently problematic to just say "their country, their rules" right. Like some places use that as an excuse to keep forms of slavery. Like to circle the argument back around states rights was an argument to try and keep slavery and now states rights is being used as an argument to criminalize abortion?

Like I try not to bring the vibe here down too often but these conversations are important. We as human beings should be helping and protecting each other and I feel a legitimate fear of society approaching some sort of social collapse or civil war. Like even if you're opposed to abortion you should actually still be voting in favor of keeping abortion because, if abortion is outlawed on moral and religious grounds, it will start the ball rolling for banning other medical procedures out of opinion and not fact. You know we already let the insurance companies do that right? Tell people their life savinf treatment isn't covered because they don't deem it medically necessary even though insurance agents arent doctors? Even on my main blog I boosted a post about a person with severe endometriosis who is being denied a hysterectomy because of their weight by the NHS but a private clinic will save them for a price, and meanwhile the endo is impacting organs outside their reproductive system

It's just. God. I'm sorry I guess I went all over the place in this post but everything is so scary now. Transphobia is on the rise, homophobia, racism, gun violence, they keep finding horrible child labor shit like 15 year olds cleaning slaughterhouses, even in my current blue state, red senators are arguing we should let young teens do construction, they're changing legislation on healthcare, on the internet, on student loans, inflation is HUGE NOW, rent is skyrocketing, homelessness is rising, just

It can be hard to keep your head up you know? I try not to be a doom and gloomer but there's legitimately scary shit happening? Like I didn't even touch on climate change and how all of these issues are going to intersect and snowball until our entire species is fucked. I know what I'm voting in 2024 but, it doesn't make anything less terrifying. If we weren't protected before, if we still really aren't now, can we really trust it to happen in the future?

[hcdidterms]

Hello! Please do not take this negatively. I only mean it out of concern.

I do not think it is a good idea to have program flags. It can be dangerous. It can go to the wrong audience and people who are not programmed may start believing they are, ultimately leading to there being less available therapists for us survivors. All in all I just believe it can be a very bad idea.

Flags mean representation. Pride flags are good to showcase identity, flags for disorders are beneficial because it increases awareness, but I do not think flags for programs are a good idea.

I just think it is dangerous.

I understand why you could be making it. You state on your pinned message that you’re doing it for a sense of normalcy. But programs should not really be normalised. It is an awful thing that has happened. Coping with it can be done by so many other ways.

I understand if you may dismiss this but please understand the concern.

Thank you.

Disclaimer, someone else got to this before I could(probably Dani, now that I think about it) and answered it in a very,,,, completely and utterly rude way

We completely understand your concern, even the jackass (/aff) who wrote the reply

I am frankly too tired to write this out nicer(because I do agree with his opinions, but not her execution), so you're stuck with their version

Please try to look past all the sarcasm and mocking, I will be happy to try to elaborate on anything you're confused about

Okay, this is stupid.

how is making a *flag* gonna make people think they're programmed??? "Oh pretty colours lol I like them might as well be a ramcoa survivor"? That's hella dumb.

If someone sees our flags and does fucking research and comes to the conclusion that they're Programmed that's fucking great(well, not great as in- yk what I'm trying to say)

I swear to god you people have a HORRIBLE gatekeeping problem.

Also you think there won't be professionals left for you???? Are you kidding me

Ah yes, 13 yr old joe from down the road is gonna take away all the *hard to get to and expensive* therapist. You fucking rectangular spoon

Now on to the stupider part

I can't even understand all the backbending logic you wrote out

Fucking gonna ignore parts of it because Im so annoyed I can't think, but what is your problem

Also you COMPLETELY misunderstood our pinned

I don't want to "normalize" being programmed

I want to FEEL NORMAL.

I want to BELONG.

That's what a sense of normalcy means.

"it's an awful thing" yea no fucking shit Sherlock

ALSO don't yiu fucking dare try to police the way we cope.

Tldr: this is stupid and gatekeep-y and fuck off. Don't like it? Block. We aren't doing anything wrong you goddamn empty paper roll. All your concerns are just???? What planet are you living on

-?

[magnoliamyrrh]

im so tired. its said we eat around 50 plastic bags a fucking year, the water and food we eat is filled with whatever the fuck so much that its basically unavoidable, the things we wear and use are also made up of a whole bunch of shit

ive quit smoking again bc my body can no longer handle it. but honestly im so mad beyond that. im so mad for everyone. im so mad at the state of the world. im so mad that ive got a genetic disorder which means my body cant handle any of this shit even moreso than regular ppl, and a lovingly fucked up system from years of trauma on top of that too. ill quit smoking but even if i never smoked w everything my body cant handle this lol. people in general are sensitive and physically i am even moreso. the more science i learn the more horrified i become. its so fucked dude its so fucked. everything in the world is so fucked right now. i wish the industrial revolution never fucking happened, it rose the level of bullshit so much higher

[moonglittering]

☠ What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?/ ☢ What fads/trends are you so over? / ❧ Have you ever been jealous of anyone?

✨ @countlessrealities. meme. still accepting!

☠ What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?

the quickest way to catch a block fade from me is to never ever be around, come reblog your promo, beg other people to reblog your promo, and then dip. what kind of shit is what....... we have all had that one mutual too because so many people do this shit. that one mutual who you never see, that mf is a ghost and then on a random thursday evening they reblog their own promo like support my brand!!! then u never hear from them and its like.... if you dont fuck off . . . . . . .

☢ What fads/trends are you so over?

U DONT OWE ANYONE ANYTHING!!!!!

yes you do. you, in fact, owe your partners. something. even a crumb. im tired of this self-obsessed, entitled, smarmy ass attitude i see in psas where its like I DONT HAVE TO REPLY TO ANYONE OR TALK TO ANYONE EVER BECAUSE THIS IS MY SAFE SPACE. no one gives a flying fuck about your safe space. and no one has to give a fuck about it. you're in the wild, wild west of the internet. in a hobby oriented community. i want to know if you can ball out and write. you owe your partners your time and your creative energy because if you feel otherwise, why are you here? you could just go to ao3 and write a fanfic since you don't wanna do the Social part of Social Media.

and that's a big ass statement coming from me because i have a personality disorder that makes me an anti-social, mean piece of shit by nature i shouldnt have to be sayin this. glkjfdslgkfd. what the ll!!!

and im not dunking on people that are slow. im slow sometimes like shit some of us are chronically ill. i mean the I Owe No One A Single Thing crowd. this is for you. stop being a narcissistic moron.

you're legit not that important. you never will be.

lemme expand on this by saying: if ur partners arent giving u anything, then yeah.... ... u dont owe their lazy ass anything actually. lol.

IM ANXIOUS!

cool! all of us are. no one cares.

❧ Have you ever been jealous of anyone?

im the prettiest and coolest person on earth. no.

[shadowbannedthehedgehog]

ik ppl are well meaning n honestly yh ik it's tiring n impossible to like try n be educated n aware enough abt everything so as not to unintentionally harm someone while trying to be nice even moreso for the older generation myb n thts understandable but like truly the whole work situation n her constant questioning n comments i feel like hmmm i wldnt say triggered my ed but also like triggered my ed or at least my awareness of it n just like eek! disordered eating habits are fine ed thoughts are not n i cnt stop thinking abt it bc like i actually did for a while bc i thought like context clues the subject wld be dropped but then fri happened lol n im once again hoping ok myb fri was enough to drop it now but what if it wasn't n it's all making me so anxious n hyper aware which is like worse bc my stupid monkey brain plus anxiety will fuck shit up accidentally on purpose to an extent whereas when it's just disordered habits it's like not a problem n im in control sigh honestly sucks bc in every other aspect my mental health has actually been pretty much stable dare i even say bettwr than usual n this is the one part tht was pretty stable b4 n now it's not alskfjfjf im just like can i last 1 more month without fucking things up n hving to admit or be accused of smth i dont want to admit lolz like why is life so difficult like otherwise everything else abt the working situation is honestly personally for me better than i wldve imagined being abke to handle given the horrors sigh

[doomsdayradio]

honestly who comes on a positivity post like that💀 like so cool and completely valid you dont view your disorders as a positive thing at all but for me personally and a lot of other people we find some level of appreciation for what our brain did to help us survive even if it does in fact fucking suck sometimes lmao also that post wasnt even about wether or not its right to find pride in your disorders it was literally just me shouting out to disorders that arent commonly recognized as disabilities and honestly for the cluster a and c disorders that arent recognized at all in general i dont even disagree that maybe the phrase pride month is a little eh in that context but why are you focusing in on that one part on a positivty post. literally just make your own post. like gen. ill support you💀💀💀

idk maybe im just tired but that pissed me off its so fucking easy to just scroll dude lol

[gxxdnxises]

i hate being alone. i feel the moon pulling the tears from my eyes and there’s nothing i can do. it feels like i’m sinking into the floor and being pulled up at the same time. i choose to fill my time with friends, i haven’t been in solitude for months. i don’t enjoy being alone with my thoughts.

it’s nothing too jarring, it’s just hard. i tell my therapist i have no suicidal thoughts but the moment i am by myself i can’t help it. i really do not want to be depressed. there was a point of my life where i almost didn’t mind it but i’m tired of having to peel myself off the floor every time.

i think about lying face down in the ocean or falling over the edge of a bridge. i really don’t want to die i just want everything to be okay. i think of the tv static noise, but it’s not always too loud. sometimes it’s like white noise and others it’s like a blender. or it’s so quiet like a mosquito that won’t stop flying by your ear.

i used to always be alone every day. i was incredibly depressed and very unwell. i have ptsd, anxiety, adhd, and major depressive disorder; which i’m not sure if that’s any different from the normal depression but it sounds worse lol. i moved schools and made from friends which helped. i would always have company every second i could. my parents didn’t deny me because they saw how different i was when people where around. then i went to college and i didn’t have to be anymore. i am 20 and i have spent less than 5 nights alone since 2024 started. i am addicted to company. it makes it so hard when its just me.

and my girlfriend decided not to come over tonight which sucks. i’m not mad, just sad. i’m always a little sad concerning that topic though. she says she likes me but she doesn’t want me and i can tell. there’s a difference when you want someone around or want to be close to them. it’s like i’m her friend that she can kiss. and it’s hard because i enjoy our time, and i love our dates. but i still feel unwanted. we’ve been together for about 3 months and it all feels uneasy. i don’t want to base our relationship around sex but is it odd that she’s only touched me once? she’s never initiated either. i don’t try anything sexual unless she moves my hands; as i don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. she knows i would do anything whenever she asks, but i only stated it once- not like nonstop how men do when they want to ruck. idk im not pushing or even asking her for sex but i still want to feel wanted. i want her to want to fuck me. and i don’t want to bring it up bc i don’t want her to feel like i need sex for us to be okay. i feel selfish but i don’t want to mess this up if i’m just being a baby about it.

two separate issues but they’re both on my head. ugh

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

no tws as far as i know? maybe ‘shitty mental health services’ or something lol

so i live in ireland, right? and in ireland, the mental health services (especially the fucking CAMHS) are just. so fucking bad. like its almost comedic were it not so fucking upsetting and stressful

i am autistic (i have a diagnosed sensory processing disorder and ocd). i only got diagnosed with autism in the last 3-4 years (i am currently in my late teens). however, i fit most of (and all, for the npd) criteria for cptsd, npd, arfid, adhd, atypical depression and some sort of dissociative disorder. i am the host of a (now fused) system. but everything is chalked up to Just The Autism.

now i, again, having *undiagnosed npd* (+ everyting else) am not a particularly big fan of this. with the npd, i fit ALL of the criteria. but i am also terrible at explaining myself and my perception of myself and what/who i am change so i can never accurately describe myself. the only way id easily, *clearly* be able to convey any of this to my therapist would be to somehow give her access to my psyche like. directly. have her experience everything i do personally. but alas. that is not possible.

im mainly just here to complain because this is exhausting. ive been on a waiting list for OT for 3+ years and we FINALLY got some sort of response from them this year so hopefully ill get that and be able to get some sorta diagnosis somewhere (i doubt it but yk. gotta hope)

i am just. so tired

Hi anon,

It sounds like not only are you in a place with poor mental health services, but you also struggle with multiple severe mental illnesses that require a seasoned professional to address. On top of this, it sounds like you have difficulty expressing how you experience yourself, which could further complicate seeking proper mental health care. It's definitely a frustrating situation to be stuck in so please know that your exhaustion is understandable. Your experience highlights a sociological and systemic issue in our culture.

I wish you the best of luck in seeking diagnoses. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun