#im struggling so hard with so many things. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rabidblasphemy · 6 months

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Im not what anyone needs. Im not who people want me to be and im so tired. I feel so sick and i am getting low again. I have my own feelings and not sure how to express and i dont want to exist.

#tired of feeling ill and tired of the way things are.#i want to be vulnerable bc i need to talk to a friend #i need to open up and talk but i will cry and idk how to get around that #it takes a lot of trust.#i cant even nap rn bc i gotta be in bed latest in 6 hrs #im struggling so hard with so many things.

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turtletoria · 1 month

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youre never gonna believe this. but i really liked the musical with the miserable middle aged man

#turtlearts #sweeney todd #sweeney todd revival #josh groban #aaron tveit #annaleigh ashford #brother u have no idea how much i was struggling to draw them. so so so hard #also these are quite old. like a couple months old #i was planning on coloring these but frankly i dont have the energy or the strength to do it oops #anyways u have no idea how many times ive watched bootlegs of this show its kinda nuts #for like 2 months straight i was watching nothing but sweeney todd all day and all night. like i was sleeping at 6 am consistently #it was kind of really bad. but IT WAS TOO GOOD IM SORRRYYYY #i memorized good chunks of the play and the songs RAAGGGHH #one good thing about this period is that i stopped watching youtube obsessively bc i was watching this stupid play obsessively instead <3

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nondelphic · 9 days

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romance writers: “okay but how do i make this kiss emotionally devastating... like, they kiss, but somehow both of them are crying about it??”

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kenobihater · 7 months

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of all the star wars movies, which of them do y'all 1) enjoy the most 2) consider the best quality and 3) think you've rewatched the most. add your answers in the reblogs or replies, i'm genuinely curious how much of an overlap there is within everyone's three answers. mine don't overlap at all! they're revenge of the sith, empire strikes back, and the force awakens :^)

#len speaks #star wars #revenge of the sith #empire strikes back #the force awakens #not tagging more films than that bc i cant b bothered. incoming tag ramble ahead bc i have sw brainrot rn and im making it everyones prob❤️#i rlly struggled 2 remember if id watched tfa or aotc more. i went w/ tfa bc it was formative to me as a teen and ive seen it probably 6ish #times? whereas aotc was the first sw movie i remember (specifically the scene of obiwan serving c*nt in the bar lmao) but i've only seen it #for sure 4.5 and maybe 5.5 times. the .5 is from when i got bored after obi-wan's scene ended and ran off to go play in the mud or smthn 😭#i'm sure tfa will eventually get surpassed in number of rewatches by aotc and rots bc i don't fw the direction of the ST but that's my #current ballpark estimate of my total number of rewatches #as an adult tho if i just wanna watch a star war i'll go with aotc bc it's fun and ends semihappily and i can turn my brain off for the #spinny lightsabers. it's great background noise or for if you're sick or whatever. rots on the other hand? i won't talk through that unless #i'm quoting it with my brother and i am LOCKED IN 100% entirely entranced by it all #i almost picked rogue one for the best quality answer but i think the character writing is weaker and the facial cgi is creepy. esb beats #it by a hair imho bc of that. the vader hallway scene goes hard tho!!!#also i'm not covering shows or games or books or anything else in this post - simply the films. might ask abt shows later but that might #also give me hives bc so many of the shows suck ass and i don't rlly want ppl extolling the virtues of t.bb in my notes 💀#and yes i do think one's enjoyment and one's opinion of quality are two things that often overlap. but sometimes you just like something #bad and that's awesome. like rots is the best of the prequels by a large margin and i adore the opening and characters and many of the #scenes but that doesn't mean it's the best star wars has to offer ykwim? it's my specialest most favoritest sw movie but that doesn't blind #me to the dialogue lmfaooo

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thebirdandhersong · 4 days

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I don't think I've ever been this reluctant to teach Sunday School in my life, and that's probably because a) I was so burned out by constant and frequent involvement in ministry from my previous church and I'm not over it, a year later, or b) I feel pressured into it. which is bizarre, because it's not like the pastor told me to volunteer. He just asked me three times, because he knew I had leadership experience in ministry, and said they needed people. which. How am I supposed to say no when you tell me there's a need.

#i really really dont want to be involved in children's ministry right now and clearly i am really bad at saying no even when im personally #exhausted in so many ways and in so many areas #it is really hard to shake that 'oh i will volunteer for the x thing you need volunteers for even though im struggling a bit and work mysel #to the bone because that's what i should do' mentality that had me burnt out in the first place #reluctant perhaps is not the best word. cranky. resentful even.#i am so happy to serve in other areas i am just so tired and i dont even know WHY i am so reluctant to teach sunday school

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skunkes · 11 months

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might sound weird to say as a person with a couple ocs who have Big Horrible Event(s) in their backstories or as a person who has like 3 ocs total bc he sucks at writing and as a person who hopes their ocs arent too Boring with [the thing im about to mention] but the thing about writing [characters] and [people] is that like.

any little thing a person experiences can take up their whole existence... its actually something "fun" to experience as i meet new ppl and do more things. My friend had something happen that she'll be talking about forever. I had several things happen last year that ill never stop talking about, some of which other ppl think werent that bad actually. In the same way I'll forever remember about the way my sister accidentally insulted me almost 10 years ago, it's really interesting and Fun to find and assign smaller things like that to characters...its really Real. some people's dealbreakers are other people's solvable problems etc etc

#(as well as the opposite: Big Event that maybe shocks everyone around em but they genuinely werent shaken by)#though this one is more common and leads to those ''ohh i didnt know that was normal oops'' moments #talkys #inspired by recent me and friend events #and also recent events where i told sum ppl more stuff about Thing and they responded as if it wasnt a big deal. but it was to me.#and also how i thought a part of al's childhood backstory was kind of maybe dumb and not realistically as impactful as id expect #but i saw someone on reddit almost word for word write that as their experience and how its shaped em as a person #and thats it like... the small things are boring and hard to keep track of sometimes #its not like you'll include every single little event your oc was shaped by in their bio #but idk. its like Fun to piece together for fun. to mold a human being #ykwim? wld be silly to tell everyone ''oh my oc struggles with self image due to many instances like... when their sister called em ugly''#or write it anywhere but it is fun to Know and have in your head. and its real !#just like if a friend told you about something that happened to em #long post #delete later #sorry i keep saying stupid obvious shit lately ive always been bad at oc making AND socializing so im learning everything late #but anyway yes. idk even as i keep making ocs that are ''similar'' its like. every person so different #people can react to anything in any way for any reason. i love people #this is why i struggle a bit with keeping ocs to archetypes i guess bc like. what is ooc for an oc. people contain contradictions all the #time. you can change yourself at any time.#ok nobody will read this far so ill go to the real insane rambling #part of this has been a part of my chats with talon while trying to get him to share more info #like. yeah ok you're 400+ years old the things that happened to you were such a comparatively small part of your life #but humans dont live as long and think about small things until they die. i dont think time would heal all wounds actually. not all of em #some thoughts just always come to gnaw at your brain. its ok to not be over things. i feel ill never be over some things #and also complainerism can be fun but thats something else entirely wee hee ^_^

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quinn-pop · 1 year

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mtdd week day 3 - caring (pt 2)

just another night (and it's ours)

part 1

#mtddweek2023 #dedede absolutely hurt his back leaning down for that kiss #yes it was hard to draw i really struggled with this one #i really love scenes like this though #kirbyposting #my art or something #meta knight #king dedede #metadede #quinn does comics #fun fact um ive redrawn pretty much every panel in this again and again i dont know why i struggled with the art on this one specifically #since i finished everything with time to spare ive been trying to clean things up a bit more but some panels are harder than others #art is hard #im still not happy with a lot of things but it is what it is #idk how obvious it is but when i was writing these scripts i was really wanting some soft meta moments #sometimes it’s nice to let the blorbos be happy and in love and admiring each other yknow #i have so many thoughts but not for today

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hella1975 · 1 year

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the closest ill ever get to being a pick me girl is the joy that fills me when the chefs at work so clearly favouritise me. like im there nicely cleaned up in my smart-casual uniform just a 20 year old waitress smiling my customer service smile and behind me spawns Scary Dog Privilege 10x in the form of several burly middle-aged chefs at least three of which have criminal records and would all stick a bread knife in someone for bothering me

#like it's really funny bc i worked HARD with back of house bc i knew my job would be significantly easier if they liked me #(it speeds your orders through. you can ask for things without being told to fuck off during a rush. they'll get you food on shift etc)#and also there's a stereotype especially in fancier places where floor staff look down on kitchen staff and i think that's shitty #so i was always going to be try with them and be nice but ALSO when i first started my job it was in a peak era so while these days #we're struggling a lot and have had to employ a lot of college kids that dont know what they're doing #when i joined it was all private school girls that would swan about the place very snootily. so the divide between front and back of hosue #was INTENSE when i joined. and there i was a little state school girlie and the chefs immediately recognised that #and took me under their wing. so even though the class angle doesnt exist so much anymore and theres majority state schoolers #im still very much in with the chefs in a way not many of the other floor staff are. and there's also the fact im not scared of them #like chefs ARE rude and a lot of them DONT like or even respect floor staff but i will GLADLY tell them to fuck off if i think it necessary #and that's a language they understand like ironically there's one chef that doesnt get on with ANY of the waitresses #(i talked about him on another post he's the soup one) but he likes me bc when he tried that rude dismissive act i told him to shove it #and now the other waitresses literally SEND ME TO TALK TO HIM when they have questions/want something bc they know he'll listen to me #and me and the head chef are besties and the one kp will talk OVER THE OTHER WAITRESSES' heads and completely blank them #so she can talk to me and it's all just really funny bc the kitchen staff LOVE me and that's not even me being arrogant #it's like a known thing at work that they love me and im just. a 20 year old 5'2 waitress with my little pearl necklace and blouse #and some tattooed ginger mohawked 6ft chef is there getting angry for me when i come in complaining about a table #or the kp that is literally on probation will give me a sticky toffee pudding and tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone LMAO #hella slaves to capitalism

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 days

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...

#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music #which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad #its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading #papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot #i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages #and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc #i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this #works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab #have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier #so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break #myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take #the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me #so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester #i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt #my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just #at the end of the line and it sucks #unrelated

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faaun · 1 month

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ok let's catch up quickly

#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth #(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian #like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told #him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive #fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research #(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux #to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him #my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept #insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them #and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating #apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they #keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading #this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY #JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT #NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn #this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore #i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt #himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure #even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin #right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love #her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her #its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking #kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD #i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society #feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO #WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best #its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good #one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much

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turtlespancake · 2 months

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me when i write a character who is prone to dooming themself and then they run off and doom themself. core traits are stubbornness and a willingness to disregard their own humanity gET BACK HERE IM NOT DONE WITH YOU

#rambling #surprisingly this is not about jakob.. im just really consistent about my favorite character archetypes 😭😭#WARNING THE NOTES ON THIS ARE REALLY LONG I STARTED RAMBLING #“ouhh i have a headache i'll just lie down and rotate my blorbos in no general direction for a while until it goes away” and then boom.#serious plot considerations. 2 questions answered 24million new questions raised. this is specifically Not what i asked for.#so now im sitting here STILL dizzy running mental calculations on how i can get this bitch out of peril without reworking everything #but they literally keep dying in every timeline 😭😭 every single plausible road leads to them running off and screwing themself over #“character who doesn't realize they want to live until it's way too late to look back” VS #“character who is forced to live and handle the things they never though they'd survive long enough to deal with” FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.#fucking hell i have never had this much trouble writing a character as i have with them #they genuinely do just run off and do shit without my permission and then i have to pace for an hour or two wondering #“ok they wOULD do that. but should they. do i feel like i can confidently write that.”#im like constantly in this tug of war trying to get them to CHILL #but also they are absolutely my favorite character from the entire project. but like. FUCK GET BACK HERE #is death the most satisfying end to this arc? is someone who was Set on dying then NOT dying the most satisfying end to the arc?#how many bridges can you burn until you irreparably set yourself aflame too?#would ghost or revival plotline work?? would it make sense with the worldbuilding??#do i just Like Them enough to want them to not die?? where do i draw the line between personal bias and a good arc?#is death not feeling as impactful as survival solely because i've been writing for so long that it's lost the initial impact?#and other such plot considerations...#im gonna have such an easy time writing another character though 😭😭 because THAT character's dynamic in the second act #is to stare at character 1 and be like “why are you like this. i mean i know Why but can you chill. please.” and like damn bro me too #actually wait no i think kaey.a is the hardest character i've ever written i take it back #had to worry about his 20million facades AND his Actual feelings AND canon compliance. shit is hard #i still havent finished the k/aeya fic i started back when the chasm first released which is uhh. two years ago. oops.#i think i struggle writing emotionally repressed liars i think thats what this is 😭😭 anyways.#(voice of guy who has been obsessed with nonlinear narratives and tragedies for several years):#“is it too much to kill this character in a nonlinear exploration game with tragic elements”#like bitch what are you talking about 😭😭 YOU'RE the target audience here figure it out #sorry the notes on this are just my writing journal now apparently

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bunnihearted · 3 months

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#even tho it was so hard for me. ofc when u can only communicate via the internet so much is lost i think... sm extra things u need to be #more secure kinda? like physical presence does a lot on its own #but yeah.. ok i actually wrote more but u can only have 30tags per post and safari on ur phone does not tell u when it's stopping so half o #what i wrote just disappeared ._. i cant rmbr what i said... and i mean this is just for myself to vent but grr im so annoyed #yeah just that he was sm more patient than i realized. i just was in the start of learning how to live w my avpd #i wasnt able to do a lot. even if i wanted to. he helped me sm to uncover things in myself to start that thing within me #i just desperately wish i had found him earlier and that i've been this far along in my anti avpd limitation abilities.... truly wish that #so im trying to accept it and just think bc i dont have a choice :') i've never wanted anyone like this and that just is how it is #i will always love him simply bc he is who he is #he's so so cool and amazing to me in so so many ways. and i always loved just how he talks and communicates bc it resonates w me #and there are simply sm details i just adore. but yeah... i probably shouldnt think abt that? i feel like.. it isnt my place to think abt i #but it is what it is but it hurts so incredibly much. will i ever be able to let go of him? the love i couldve experienced? the wonderful #person i couldve been with? will i be able to stop thinking abt all his great qualities and how much i wish he was mine? and all the things #wanna do and talk abt with him? he's just.. he just is .. i cant describe it. it feels like more than just earthly love...#maybe i sound insane or too intense or dramatic or smth but.. it feels so much larger than everything #so i struggle sm with letting go bc i want to touch him and i want to love him and i just want to be with him and experience everything w h #but that isnt my place. i know... why.. have i only ever felt like this w him... what do i do with this?? am i crazy? am i going insane? is #there smth wrong with me?#he is worthy of everything and he is so so wonderful but is there smth wrong w me for being so..#for having love that actually truly is all consuming? what is this... it's scary. esp when i cant unleash it. it's like a wild beast i have #to learn how to tame. and i want to be able to find mutual love too. but i cant force anything. will the universe grant me that?#i cant imagine myself ever being able of letting go of him but if that is what the universe has planned then..#ok im actually starting to sound intense and weird and idk O.O i think i think too much #.. it hurts that i wont get to do all of the things and talk abt all the things i wanna do w him. i'll never get to hug him...#if i could ask for only one thing it'd be one hug from him....#maybe is ound crazy but with all my disorders and feeling disconnected from the world.. and finding someone that makes me feel tethered #and safe and real.. and having to let go bc it just wasnt meant for me... why is the universe so cruel.#in the end i care abt him so much i just want him to be loved. i want him to finally feel loved.#someone else.. someone else without avpd can do that for him. i want him to be oh so so loved and .. yeah.. :(#i wish i couldve loved him as he deserves but .. its not my place. not my place... all i want is to hear his voice and live in his arms

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majorshatterandhare · 1 year

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Thinking to myself “man it’s a good thing there nine mechanisms to project my disabilities onto, wouldn’t want people to think I’m headcanoning them to have an unrealistic amount of issues.” When it’s like, I have all these issues! And some people have way more comorbidities than me!

#the mechanisms #i don’t only hc my disabilties onto them #like the LM/MC. someone i am close with has that. not me #but still i project *mostly* issues i have or similar #like i definitely dont have ocd but i have enough similaries in symptoms and my anxiety has previously manifested with ocd tendencies #as well as anxiety driven delusions. that it makes sense to just. like. tick it up a bit more for the hc #obviously research is done re conditions i dont have #but also the words are easier that way #it *hard* to explain my symptoms that overlap and muddle with other disorders so it doesnt make sense to do so for a hc #not when im describing it for my own purposes and not typically if i were to be discussing it w #it with someone else #anyway its ivy. i think that makes sense #part of me also wants to headcanon her to be a hoarder #because i struggle with that #but i think shes a good archivist and those seem to be mutually exclusive #unless she is hoarding non library/archive things i suppose #this isn’t just about ocd this is about many many things #my body doesnt work right and it does so in ways people just Never Talk About….#the point is that if i headcanoned one character to have all the same exact problems i do it would seem excessive #when its not its just my life #and again other people have way more comorbidies than me!#fun fact: all your body shit is connected to all your other body shit

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dockaspbrak · 2 months

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Jobs for someone not cut out for real life but who excels at mimicry

#idfk #im like good at saying the right thing but i feel like in my heart i know #im a failure #i am not good at anything really in any stunning way. im ugly im hard to talk to #im good at liking many niches of music. im good at roleplay. im good at having fun sometimes #idk. i was so chipper last week #i feel like a pagliacci stupid clown whose life is in crumbles around him #i cant keep talking to people and seeing the contempt in their eyes when i fumble my words #i have a stutter now like. howd that happen i didnt when i was a kid #but a couple years ago it started and its been. worse in the last few months #im so like. i feel like such a failure #likea fake person who had so many opportunities to make my life real #pinocchioesque maybe #ughhh #im just feeling sorry for myself sorry guys #im trying to draw here at 1 am bc. i kinda drew something kinda nice the other night but #every compliment ive ever gotten feels unearned and like. a social lie #like imposter syndrome but im an imbecile for real and also the lamest person ever #i cant make friends. i seem to be annoying in an unnameable way to everyone who has ever met me but no one will have the decency to tell me #why #i have been longing for the past a bit lately too. nothing in particular though? just like.... how i felt about the future when i was young #and full of hope #i had a horrible childhood. i didnt enjoy being there and my dad always seemed preoccupied with the fact i would grow up and not want to #be his friend anymore?#but in an adult now and he seems to never have time for me #and he didnt back then either idk #i guess im sensitive to that. and i struggle myself #if smthing is transitory its unreliable and therefore i should wait it out #haha learned behavior!!! autism!!!! but god i feel so lonely and stupid. im gonna #draw my teddy bear giving me a hug

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g0thsoojin · 2 months

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#im like very much having a crisis right now... i mean to most ppl it isnt that serious lmaoooo #but tbh i am a loser and tumblr is 80% of my life and most of my social life #all social interactions i get are on tumblr ._.#so i dont want to keep alienating myself on it because then im just ruining it for myself and removing the only place #and source of social interaction and attention :/#i personally can not for my life comprehend this because i really dont take other peoplës venting personally #but ever since i started using twitter and tumblr i have ruined so many connections .. by venting on my own account.....#and now.. when i lost and fucked it up with the love of my life... just bc i vented and he interpreted it from his pov..#and got hurt when i wrote things abt being lonely and unwanted WHILE talking to him everyday and having him call me beautiful and care abt m #... i understand why he got hurt and i understand his pov bc it looked like i pulled away and distanced myself and only complained and that #he didnt matter to me when in fact he was EVERYTHING to me and i lived off his attention #i hate that i ruined the best thing i could ever have just bc i have this pathological need to share my every thought #like shut the fuck up... i wish i wouldve shut the fuck up and instead gushed abt how much i liked him which was what i wanted to do #my avpd just made me feel stupid bc when i did he didnt interact with those posts and then i felt embarrassed #which like i know how fucking stupid avpd and bpd makes me and i hate it but i cant stop it #god i regret it so much like my dumb ass blog isnt worth losing him over... it just isnt #only an online connection.. makes it so hard to see bc he only saw my diary where i complain he didnt see everything else :(((#so he thought that he wasnt important to me and then slowly started to detach himself from me (understandably) god i wanna die #so yeah ive started to HATE my main account. bc it has ruined so much for me. plus lately ppl have started being mean #and i get it its the internet ppl suck but i AM so fkn sensitive. and i get sad and hurt really easily #and i feel anxious abt venting bc im scared of getting a mean ask after #like... i feel so fucking alone and idk what to do. all i want to do now is vent vent vent but ive started to feel like venting is bad #and harmful and only ruins my friendships and connections and makes ppl be mean to me #i honestly wish i wouldve stopped venting every thought looooong ago #and that i had a more normal blog and had a secret vent blog and that he didnt read all my miserable posts #bc then maybe.... he wouldve actually understood how much i fkn love him and hadnt looked in other places and now i lost him #bc i really dont blame him bc i know what he is struggling with and seeing me who he cares for so much say those things...#i get it 100% and thats why im so pissed with myself for just not stopping!!!! why cant i stop????? whats wrong with me #i just feel so lonely and like no ones listening but he was listening to me i just had to be brave and go to him #plus all my venting made him think that im like in severe emotional distress every second and that i was too fragile to talk to

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lemongogo · 10 months

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i need 2 stop drawing static stuff . white bg . front facing pose. <will do it again

#i looked thru my media tab 2day .horrific #WHERES THA PURPOSEEEE E #there doesnt have 2 be any . of coursies .#but thats smt i want to work on rly hard T_T 2024!!!!!!!!!#smth smth reflection but i am happy with what ive done in 2023 #definitely havent finished as many things as id hoped but thats okay.kind of touched on it w that one trgn comp a few months ago #but i tried 2 be more confident in areas i wasnt so sure abt before and it paid off in a way that im happy with T__T❤️#like despite all my gloom & burnout and artblock . i had a lot of fun . and im rly fortunate that ive been able to meet the nicest ppl #through it T__T #idk what jm talking abt anymore but j think . i am happy w the direction im headed in and i just need to work harder now on variability #and concept and composition. not rly sure where to start but i think compiling some of my favs in a single place #and studying them will help. :3.. AND NOT GIVING UP A SKETCH IF ITS FRUSTRATING ATM😭😭😭😭#some of them ..that one w meryl and vash . i ould not for the life of me figure out and i was like soo done w it #but then i was likeno OK just do it who cares . and then i found a workflow that worked and it WAS SOO MUCH FUNNN AND I STILL RLY LOVE HOW #IT TURNED OUTTT ..#and the one w knives . the beautiful universe one . i rmbr being so annoyed by a similar attempt that inwas lkke fuck it im just gna use the #biggest brush ever and play arnd with stuff bc its not gna see the light of day and fhen j agonized abt sharing it and everyone WAS SOOO #NICE TO ME !!&2&2 LIKEEE it was one of my earliest trgn pieces so kind of new 2 da scene and lkke . idk man it helped me enjoy my art from #an outside perspective after struggling w the doubt and its now one of my favorites ever too …#ORRR .. the vash and wolfwood one w the silly blue sky bg .. the textures were so mindless and fun #or the elendira . SOOO MANY FUN ELENDIRAS.. the perspective nail gun one is still a fav bc i shy away from perspective bc its hard as shit #but it worked out and i luv it tew .#sory anyways . very happy. and thankful^__^ ik when j post stuff like URRG MY ART!!!it mostly jst comes from .like GAAH want 2 push myself #harder bc i know itll be fun once i get 2 where im going T_T #anyways if u got 2 this point u r lkterally angel my angelll~ hamtaro pic #tys

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