#im trying to remind myself that writing can be chill

[valentine-writes]

Spot nation is here humbly requesting again u-u One of your recent works breifly touched on The Spot getting protective over an upset reader. Would love to read your take on expanding that concept. :^] Make it as lighthearted or serious as you like! Maybe the reader has to tell him to chill out instead. Like, we love you queen but take it easy. No worries if this isn't smthn you want to do! Loving your writing in general! Take care :>

:(

「 tws + notes: POSSIBLE FLASH WARNING FOR THE GIF BELOW THE CUT?? (jus to be safe!! idk if this is needed or not-), no tws, unedited, super silly moment from me im not in a slash srs mood 」

「 gn!reader, can be platonic or romantic <3 」

↳ ft. johnathan ohnn/the spot

author's note: AUWWHJWAB HELLO!!! u are so so polite omg thank u so much ! ^_^ i luv tha enthusiasm i've been seein from spot nation tbh!!! o((>ω< ))o i'd be happy to expand on that hc! im gon make it a little teeny tiny bit more lighthearted becuz i luv myself some silly hcs but here we go!! super duper soz if itz a bit short anon </3

▸ i think i like writing the spot as a silly lil dude who is jus tryin so so hard. but also he did work for Fucked Up Evil and Co. (alchemax is just brimming w/ all sorts of brilliant minds with horrifying ideas in the name of science. kingpin ran this shit and would not have it any other way) like he's not beyond being an absolute menace he just didn't have the means for it at the beginning of the movie. so we're gonna keep it lighthearted and silly but,,,

we're gonna keep this in mind too, yeah?

▸ you're incredibly dear to him. he's become a little more protective than he usually would be (can't have you being taken away from him! not after literally everyone else in life life ditched–) and it's just the littlest bit unhealthy.

he really does mean well! you just find yourself reminding him to dial it down a bit.

▸ especially after he's gotten a hang of using his powers?... he's got the means to keep you from harm. he may still be insecure about his appearance, but those thoughts can be (temporarily) satiated when he knows what he can do.

the power at the multiverse, in the palm of his hand

i mean. you can't expect him to not want to defend you with it.

▸ you remind him, time and time again that he really doesn't need to check up on you that frequently. in spite of this, he can't help peeking into a portal, just to check on you here and there.

"i swear to you, i'll be fine." you tell him, time and time again- and he trusts you, he really does. but it doesn't hurt to be absolutely, positively, 100% certain, right?

▸ on the days you're upset because of a particularly bad day (not specifically conflict with people, just little things or internal issues, etc, etc... the Horrors,,,,) he offers the support he knows that he'd want.

if you're a person who's obvious with their emotions, he's pretty okay with picking up the cues you're not doing fine. will start up a conversation and then awkwardly ask if you're doing okay.

it's a little more tricky if you're subtle. overtime, he learns what to look for- little signs that indicate you're not doing well- and ensures that he's straightforward in asking about how you're feeling.

and sometimes, he able to sense that something is off. there's a tension in the air neither of you want to talk about, a feeling in his bones that he can't quite shake. he dislikes this the most. mainly because it's easy to attribute this feeling to overthinking. he'll check up on how you're feeling anyways. even if it takes a while to muster the courage.

without fail, he feels his heart break a bit when you look up at him with the saddest expression he's seen on your face. your frown is almost painful to see :(

he's got a very formulaic strategy in his mind that he uses to help you deal with bad days

something like this mefinks,,,

[ step a: he starts by asking what's going on with you... ask how you're feeling and all that. if your mood is negative, he'll try to ask why and if you wanna talk about it ]

if you choose to take up the offer, go to step b. if you refuse, go to step c.

[ step b: listen! provide support, be attentive. he'll let you rant, scream about it (ok maybe not too loud though, but,, y'know. if it helps, it helps), cry- anything. if you do cry, go to step d ]

[ step c: distract!! distract, distract, distract. you got a favourite comfort show or movie? he tells you: hey, you haven't watched it in a while (even if you have), why don't we put it on? your favorite video game? he'll play with you! talk about your favorite things or talk about nothing while you grab a snack or drink. he knows avoiding stuff isn't gonna work for long term problems, but he's more than willing to cheer you up ]

[ step d: SILENTPANICSILENTPANIC... internally he's just kinda freaking out because it's hard to see you cry. he's not awful with comfort- just a little stiff, y'know? much better with distractions. but in the event of you crying: he'll rub your back, wrap his arms around you. or give you space (depending on what you need) probably goes "hey, no, no no- it's okay, it's okay-" while attempting to soothe you. gives you time to cry it out while he babbles reassurances under his breath. ]

he really does try his best (´꒳｀。)

▸ if you're beefing with someone and it's making you upset, he'll listen to you complain about them. out here nodding and agreeing with you like he was there to witness. again, he's got your back!!

(this part partially inspired by @//spdrslayr 's posts!!) in interest of cheering you up,,, you two make fun of the person.

if you're someone to openly bitch about someone and aren't afraid of getting a little mean behind someone's back,, he's making fun of them too.

of course, if you're like "noo,, but like,,, that's mean-" he's quick to remind you what they did. like they had the audacity, there's no need to be sorry.

if you're consumed by harrowing guilt anytime you're remotely rude (even behind someone's back) he'll tone the jokes down. just a little. he can be VERY a little out of pocket.

likes watching you try not to lose it, stifling laughter, as you share a moment over mutual hatred for said person

"hey– that wasn't.. that wasn't funny–" you're snicker, doing very little to hide the obvious smile on your face. he loves seeing your face brighten, the frown on it now replaced with a grin you just can't hold back

he's gonna crack jokes about them randomly too in your conversations. he's good at holding a grudge yeah,,, but at least in this case he's funny abt it. it's lowkey starting to sound like he was wronged instead of you.

▸ if someone hurts you? that's a whole other story. (hehe. whole- my bad.)

being inconsiderate, rude, and mean to you is one thing, but bringing physical harm to you?

he can't stand the idea that someone would want to harm you. it doesn't matter what happened in the events leading to it. he knows you didn't deserve it. he knows it. the minute he sees the tears stinging in your eyes,, the bruising on your body– the blood–

someone's going to have to answer for it.

(but im not talking abt him tryin to rock someone's shit becuz that would be 10x longer blehhhh :p)

[otrtbs]

hi nat!! hope ur well <3

sending you

76. how do you deal with writing pressure, internal or external?

aaaand

43. is there a trope or idea you’d really like to write but havnet yet?

hiiihihihihi reg!! i hope you're doing well too my friend!! <33

76. how do you deal with writing pressure, internal or external? for internal pressure, i just use my favorite phrases of all time which are "it's not that deep" coupled with "fuck it, we ball." bc it is not ever, never, that deep. truthfully, when i find myself stressing out, i remind myself that this is hobby of mine that i'm doing for fun to escape the stress of the rest of my life and it puts things into perspective. like, it doesn't have to be good or a masterpiece or updated in a rigid timely schedule,, it just has to be fun. and then i chill out hahaha external writing pressure i just have to take a step back sometimes and remind myself that im not a creative writer (like ahb! was my first foray into fiction writing ever) so im learning and practicing all the time and testing things out and exploring. when it comes to academic writing?? like art historical/visual /comparative analysis ?? i'm very confident in my ability to produce writing of good quality (but that's something i stress over and pick apart and spend hours and weeks of my life editing and re-editing). i don't do that for fanfic bc 1. i don't have the time and 2. editing is not fun for me and im trying to have fun 😭😭 so when ppl talk about my fanfiction yeah it's gonna be a little rough, but it was fun and i'm still exploring and learning so who cares?? and when people put pressure on me to update sooner or take a fic in a different direction i just ignore them lmfaoo 😭

43. is there a trope or idea you’d really like to write but have't yet? infidelity but i'm about to fix that!! 😈 also i want to write a coffee shop au so badly bc they're my favorite to read about and i truly believe that there can never be too many of them

q's from this ask game!

[tonberry-yoda]

AAAA I HOPE IM NOT TOO LATE HELLO- I’ve requested some stuff from you anonymously for a while and you’re one of my inspirations for branching out starting on tumblr so thank you! Your writing brings me a lot of serotonin in tough times so I appreciate you very much! (Also now having the guts to not ask on anon for the first time too)

I’d like a romantic JJBA Part 3 matchup please! (Crusaders only if possible)

No preference on name

Sexuality: Pansexual

Personality: Im very curious and kind, i’m kind of shy at first when meeting someone new but when I get to know the person more and feel comfortable I can become very fun and energetic! According to my friends (and parents included..) I have a psychopathic laugh thats contagious LMAO (I think its cool) A lot of times. A lot of times I can be very hard on myself and give up easily, but when reminded of my strengths (especially by someone I deeply care for) my confidence and motivation sky rockets sometimes lmao. I have a huge witch aesthetic going on right now, so things like tarot, palm readings, crystal pendulams and jaring herbs and stuff are very fun and pleasing to me! Some fun facts: Im always cold (hence why I dress cozy all the time) when im holding something while trying to sleep (like a pillow) i’ll doze off instantly! And my favorite colors are orange, green, burgundy and black!

Hobbies include!: Studying tarot! (I give fortune readings to family members and to myself) Videogames, teaching myself how to knit, taking care of my cat Ivy, and also studying plants to one day have a nice garden 🪴 I also love listening to music, I actually like all kinds of music and I like to spread out and listen to different things, however Phonk, Pop and Rock are my top 3 favs. When im just chilling and vibing in my room i’ll put on Lo-fi or calming/serene meditation music.

The way I present myself is relatively simple, I love long and baggy clothes, hoodies, sweaters, turtle necks, just a LOT of comfy and cozy vibes. I dont like wearing short skirts but I LOVE wearing long dresses to just flow around in. However one day I’d really really like to wear a fancy sparkly suit 🥹 As for color schemes, def on the darker tone! But every now and then i’ll rock something bright!

What i’d what in the relationship is mainly just someone being there and present for me, its not about being alone but just more of just KNOWING someone is there for me physically or not. Kind gestures that are even super small to most will literally make me melt. I also LOVE being able to take care of my partner, making them dinner/coffee/tea, you name it. If they got hurt? Im patching them up, nightmare? Im comforting them the moment they wake up. Getting them water, a coat, you name it. I also love giving gifts that I made, i’d also spoil them rotten with store bought gifts but they can expect a LOT of handmade crafts and DIYs LOL

I hope this is enough and again, thank you so so much for taking the time out of your day to read this! Sorry if it was really long 💀

OH MY GOODNESS YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MEANS TO ME!! everyone has been so kind about my writing i cant believe there was a time where i didnt share my fics. bonkers. but seriously, thank you so much for the kind words!! you are so sweet and it is so nice to see you off of anon! :) i have the PERFECT character for you!! i really hope you'll agree!

the character I chose for you is...

AVDOL!!!

like tarot reading?!??! SAY NO MORE

this man's life is literally tarot

you do readings for him and he does reading for you

he also will teach you new stuff too

this man will boost your confidence

like he will always remind you how amazing and beautiful you are

ALWAYS COLD YOU SAY?!??!???! this man has got you 100% expect warm hugs and just warmth whenever you're by his side :)

uh oh i guess you got to hold him now when you sleep so you can have some amazing sleep... that's too bad 👀👀👀

please knit him things he will love you forever and ever

your cat loves him

like will not stop sitting on his lap whenever he is over lmaooo

will help you plan for your future garden

will hang out with you and just listen to music in peace while you plan or while he helps you learn some more fortune teller tricks

thinks you look BEAUTIFUL in dresses and skirts frrrr like it is his favorite style. will 100% buy you some skirts and dresses from egypt

he will buy you that sparkly suit because you would rock it

he will also get himself a sparkly suit so you match

he is always there for you, whether his arm is around you or you know that he is always supporting you

he will blush when you bring him nice things or do nice acts for him

he appreciates it, but tells you that you dont need to do all that for him, but you do it anyway lol

spoil him rotten and he will be a blushy baby boy about it

~~~~~

matchup rules --- pinned post

@tonberry-yoda

[shhhhhiminsidesaitamascloset]

Top 5 Reasons I Like Saitama

This list isnt from a general fan view but as far as me having a crush on him (i guess???). It was hard to write out but here's a top 5 of reasons I like Saitama.

1. Hes a pretty chill character. He gives off a friendly, almost carefree personality. He is pretty indifferent about life in canon, though he does have instances where hes genuinely nice. He does care about the other heros in the heroes association especially trying to give them credit when a heckler tried to discredit the other heroes who fought Deep Sea King. Pretty noble. I can vibe with him as a friend and he is pretty much that one guy you could be friends with and chill with.

2. Hes crazy strong. Almost god-like strength. The fact he is makes him aware and almost aware in a existential way. With great power does truly come w with great responsibility. And less formidable foes to fight on a daily basis. Well, if he was ever my f/o officially he could always carry me, at least. I'll never feel too heavy for him. Dude can benchpress buildings. He could definitely carry me if i was 212 lbs!

3. He can cook. While he was keeping up his training regimen, he learned how to cook. And good! He prefers mostly vegetable dishes. Though, I'm sure any veggie dish he makes is delicious! I'm genuinely surprised he doesnt eat alot of meat. You'd think he'd try to eat more protein to keep up his strength. Maybe he's taking the popeye route?

4. Ripped! Its not the best quality and i'm all for personality first. But the fact that he's ripped does make it a plus! Hard training similar to what he does does reap the rewards of a fit body. Some say its ideal. Some say his body is peak perfection. At least it compensates for the lack of hair. (And i mean this in the most respectful way possible.) I respect but at some point i gotta look away and remind myself im celibate for a reason.

5. He's a video gamer and is into reading manga. I, personally, am not a gamer (not by choice) but i have dated men in the past who were gamers. I dont know why this appeals to me, but its heart-warming to think that i could play games with him on his off days. Or just watch him play for hours on an interesting RPG with a good plot. Even as a friend i dont mind just sitting there watching him play for hours. I think its kinda cool. We might even like the same games.

That's all i got. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. And drink water!✩

[loving-and-dreaming]

Sports🥇 ships. Send information about yourself (please include if you want it to be romantic/platonic, male/female, and what fandom)

omg hi hi !!

this is such a fun celebration,, congrats !!

i want a romantic ship,, im bi with a male lean + so either or !! (harry potter fandom,, marauders or golden era idm!!)

as u can tell im syd,, im like 5'5 + im just a silly little neurodivergent guy really??

i like southpark and horror and idk really a lot of things!! i write and draw a lot,, specifically character art/design is my go to !!

idrk how to explain myself?? im pretty chill i have sarcastic humor,, im like a 12 year old i still laugh at every penis joke EVER

i was born on the aquarius/pisces cusp n i act as such!! im infp,, super shy off the internet and i have trouble making friends. + v anxious little guy but i love people !!

super into animals i have my own cat n dog,, plus other pets that live with me but arent mine !!

i hope this is what u were looking for im a bit silly ?? ty congrats AGAIN !! <33

So I ship you with Sirius black!! And here is why! One he would LOVE how short you are! Literally would tease you about it all the time! Sirius might be the player and good with people but I think this would be good for you, you two would balance each other out. He would make you want to try new things and you would remind him it’s okay to just take a break. You bet your ass this dude would turn into his doggo form just to cuddle with you. I just feel like the two of you would balance each other out and bring the best out in each other ❤️

[foggysirens]

Hey, about your imposter syndrome post.

As I see it, it really doesn’t matter how bad you think you are on fandom spaces, there are no consequences for being a good or bad fic writer. Just do your thing and best case scenario people will like what you wrote, worst case, people will not. Literally doesn’t matter at all, people (including you) are just having fun, if it’s not fun anymore, and it’s causing you stress, maybe looking into other hobbies can be a healthy alternative, but there is no reason why it should not be fun.

Save the imposter syndrome to your workplace or college where it can be weaponized by your mediocre male peers as the capitalist God intended lmao

hey anon!

i absolutely agree with you! fandom is something that should absolutely be fun! writing fanfiction is something that, if it’s a hobby you partake in, should be fun! i’m well aware that in the scheme of things that this is all just for fun, that fandom is for fun and fanfic isn’t all that serious. and as i said in the tags of my original post- fandom is fun for me. i get great enjoyment from blogging about my silly little shows and talking about the characters i love. but sometimes, and i think some fellow creators here will agree with me, as much as you love and enjoy doing something, putting things out there for others to see can make you feel a little anxious. can make you feel like an imposter when you see so many great works of art and fic out there- or when you see big fandom discussions and discourse that aren’t all that fun. i don’t think that means i should quit, or stop or find a new hobby- and that’s on me if my original post i made it sound that bad, like i haven’t been feeling awesome but, as i said, im still enjoying fandom. because i do agree that sometimes taking a break from fandom is for the best. it’s all for fun and yes, untimely fandom and fanfic is something you should do for yourself first.

my biggest issue is that i let my anxiety and insecurities get the best of me sometimes. even with things that are just for fun, because writing is something i care about and i get in my head. it’s my favourite hobby and sometimes when you care about something, no matter if there are any consequences or not for writing anything good like with fanfiction as you said, you’ll get nervous or anxious, because you’re still sharing something you made. worked on and put time into. and it’s easy to sometimes compare yourself to others, even in a more easy-going, fandom space, and feel a bit down on yourself. we are our own worst critics sometimes.

but thank you anon really, i didn’t mean to go off on a rant because i really do agree with you- i do. it’s good sometimes to remind ourselves to not take ourselves so seriously, especially with fandom when you can get caught up in things so easily, but it’s also a mindset that you have to grow into. work at. to just chuck your anxiety and insecurities out the door, even when logically you know they’re silly, but sometimes it’s not that easy. and that’s just brains for you. i wish i could just say fuck it like you suggested, and i hope one day i will. for now, i will, as i said, work on it and just try to remind myself to take it easy and chill.

and honestly? id rather my imposter syndrome be towards my writing ability and fics, cause ill be damned if i ever let some mediocre man make me feel that way lol

[ssreeder]

SREEDY !!!!?!???? I SWEAR I WAS JUST ASKING MYSELF WHAT IF YOU POSTED NEW CHAPTER AND I JUST WASN'T NOTIFIED AND AT THQT SAME MOMENT I GET GHE FUCKIN NOTIFICATION ?!!!??!! I'm would be lying if I said that i didn't scream a little

okay so about the chapter!!!!!! it was really sweet to see sokka and zuko just talk and be buddies and be worried about each other and zuko is again an actual person?!!?!! fuck yeah

loved the fights they were greatly written!!!! i usualy don't understand written fights but I'm this i could picture each movement in my mind so kudos to that, you really have a way with words.

im gonna admit it, fuck jet, i was trying to be the better person and give him a few chances but he's just not taking any of them. it was really fun reading zuko give him what he deserves even though (and I'm gonna be honest here) i started giggling and kicking my feet when zuko got protective, like, yes zuko, go defend your boyfriend!!!!

and shen, oh shen, i actually love him, teasing sokka and zuko all the time and just being real, no talking shit!! you wanna know if your son is in love with zuko? idk but they DO act like a couple...

ughhh this chapter felt so good, I'm not gonna promise anything but I'll try to draw some fanart for this fanfic bc some scenes really inspired me!!

oh, almost forgot, FUCK YEAAAAAHAA GAY BATO!!!! love him for that, I'm gonna take a guess and at some point in the history he's gonna talk to sokka about the whole liking men think and relive some of sokka's anxieties

I'm starting to feel like a broken CD but amazing chapter, loved everything about it and really excited for the angst in the next chapter!!!! thanks for this masterpiece of a fanfic!!

I knew you wanted a chapter so I posted it just at the right time ;) <3!!

Ugh I know Zuko is being an actually person again which means it’s about time we do something about that.:. haha jk, kind of. :D

thankyouthankyouthankyou

I always use references when writing fight scenes and I try to write them slow so I can make them legible because I too get lost when I read some fight scenes so I appreciate you saying that because I give them a lot of effort.

Zuko has been so chill it’s good for him to remind people he is dangerous haha, especially to protect Sokka.

FFFFFAN ART???! don’t tease me I will cry if you do that. I am obsessed with fan art it’s my kryptonite.

YOURE THE BEST DONT WORRY WE GET LOTS OF BATO CONTENT NEXT CHAPTER YIIIPPPWOEEEEEE

!!!!

[hermespie]

ehehe i wanna send in a silly matchup req for your valentines event!!! could you give me a genshin impact boy pleeeaaase? :)

my pronouns are she/her and im a silly little enfp.

personality wise im a huge extrovert who loves making friends everywhere I go.. lol people tell me that I could befriend a tree if i wanted. im always drawn to introverted people because i hate seeing someone quiet and lonely lol. i also tend to be a bit of a goof. i like making people laugh. i get really invested and interested in other people's interests and i pick up a bunch of different things to be able to bond with people i meet.

im very much a talker, i can talk people's heads off if it's about something im interested in. I'm basically very energetic at all times. I can never take things seriously and most of the time i really need someone to reel me back in and tell me if i need to be serious or not.

despite all thattt, under certain extreme conditions, my social battery can run dangerously low, and sometimes i need to sit in silence to chill out for a bit. im also the type of person to speak up for others but never myself lol. im a little bit of a pushover in that regard.

my hobbies, i love singing and music and dance with my entire soul. poetry is also something that i love reading, as well as photography. i do a little doodling on the side too!!!! i love writing and history and sometimes i even enjoy a little math.

but..thats all I can think offfff! have funnnn with this oneeee hehehe >:)

HIII omg I'm so excited to see another fellow ENFP! It's like looking myself in the mirror while reading your description ( nah cuz fr)

Thank you for participating in my Valentines Day event and taking your time to write this! Let's see what we can deal with here <33

#GENSHIN IMPACT MATCHUP

I match you up with......

SHIKANOIN HEIZOU

Credit: Official art

I took a long time thinking about it, and this is the result I had!

Heizou is not an easy person to easily get along with, so I could see that your first encounter with him would be quite awkward at some point. I could see him purposely avoiding you when you're in your extreme extrovert mood as you keep on finding ways to bother him.

But I think after days after days 'trying' to avoid you, instead of completely neglecting you and mind his own business, he starts to find out interesting parts about you and got to know you better.

Like how you suddenly drain out of energy and just sits down below a tree and mind your own business. It's really interesting for Heizou to see you out of your extrovert mood. And we all know Heizou loves random mysteries he discovered.

Having a relationship with Heizou would actually be very entertaining. The two of you would have an absolute fun with each other joking around and pranking people. Probably something like run up to a random person and yell "tag, you're it!" and create confusion.

Something also tells me that Heizou's love language is quality time. He likes to look at you when you're both just doing nothing and stares at your eyes. He also likes to hear your rambles as if it was an opportunity for him to get to know you better, kinda similar like getting clues for a detective case or some sort.

Heizou is a person that is fun, but doesn't lack intelligence. So you don't have to worry if you can't read the room sometimes, cause Heizou would remind you about it respectfully. He is quite reliable on serious times, so it's fine to be yourself around him.

For him, you're his endless mystery and he just loves to spend time with you, no matter if its just a normal night having dinner with you or a grand event. And I think the two of you could actually get along pretty well!

Thank you for reading till this far! I hope you enjoyed it <33 likes and reblogs are appreciated!

[altruistic-meme]

12,13,14???

!!! hi beloved

12. What’s your perfect environment to create/write? aaahhhh the ideal enviornment is just chilling by myself, quiet aside from some music (generally picked for the mood of what im writing), with a drink and maybe a snack nearby! it used to always been in my room, sitting in the corner of my bed surrounded by pillows, and this is still a position i often end up in when writing, but since moving out i've been finding myself writing on my couch more and more often! idk if it's just an attempt to remind myself not to become a clam and to make sure i spend time anywhere but my room but!! my couch is comfy and i can put the music on my tv so :3 i almost never write if anyone else is with me, and i don't think i've ever actually written anything more than quick thoughts or ideas for stories when in public (tho i kind of want to try going to like, a cafe and chilling there and writing)

13. Do you take pride in your writing, or does it embarrass you? Why? ha, both! it depends a lot on the situation and what writing we're talking about and who with. in general, i am extremely proud of my writing! i've been doing it for over 10 years, i think i deserve a little pride ya know? i've worked hard to get better at it, and even looking back at older stuff, i'm proud of that too because it was part of the journey! but i do sometimes get embarrassed when talking about it with people when i'm not sure how they feel about fanfiction. because i'll mention that i write, and they'll start asking questions and i won't know how to respond! because in their eyes, what i do isn't ""real"" writing, so im embarrassed to say that i write fanfics bc i don't know if they'll look down on me for it.

14. Do you compare yourself to other writers? In a positive or negative way? almost always positively! i know that the way i write will never be the same as the way others write, and i try and focus on that. but i love writing something, and then looking back at something i read and realizing how i mirrored someone else on accident. or doing it on purpose! i've talked about it before, but the way (wit)jitp is written is very intentionally like another fanfic i had read before. so of course i compare them in my mind, because i think that author was absolutely brilliant!! and while it wasn't my idea, i think that i do it justice nonetheless. and even comparing that story to what i had written before i read it, it's interesting seeing how different my writing was to theirs!

[t-lostinworlds]

Hey👋🏼

I just saw your recent answered ask and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one freaking out about not doing anything with my life and just wasting my time. But at the sametime I know am not the only one but it feels like it because all my batchmates just graduated here and back in ph (am also from the first batch of kto12. fck that curriculum honestly) I honestly feel bad because I only work as a barista but my batchmates graduated as engineers, finished med school and other high achieving courses and here I am haven’t even started my higher education. And it is also hard to explain to everyone around me because my white friends thinks that there is more life than a degree but in ph a degree is a huge achievement. Idk, im in a limbo for so long now and there is no one who understands my inner struggles and it is keeping me down all the time. The older generation thinks we are slacking off but in reality, the contributing factors in our generation are different from their’s and just a little understanding from them will be a huge help😪

hi! okay, first off, you sent this like...3 days ago so i am so sorry for the late response. just been in my groove with writing lately so i'm just been in a hole lmao. anyways!

but yeah i feel you. i am kinda in the same position as you with schooling, but it's more financial than anything else. and with regards to my job rn, it's a different path to what i am going to take eventually. and yeah that too. it is very very very different for someone from a first world country to say that a degree/advanced diploma is not everything, compared to people living in a third world country, on top of very heavy corruption and just as bad education system. not to mention, when you strive to go abroad or to start anything and a degree is a requirement to most things it's just...yeah. there are certain exceptions of course bc not everything in life is black and white. but yeah, everyone has privileges all in different forms and sometimes that privilege is as simple as being born in a certain country.

and it really does not help when everyone around you are getting to these "milestones" like, i have schoolmates who are now parents, married, some are still in school, some have graduated, some are working etc. i guess i am lucky that my parents aren't pressuring me as much since they do understand our situation. and i've been helping here as much as i can. but other relatives tho? yeah, i'd rather not think about it.

i guess i've just been trying to be thankful for where i am today. i kinda had a moment where i thought, one day in the future, i am going to look back at this point in life and miss it you know? like, i will miss just chilling & working from home, being in the same roof with my family + my dogs. so i'm just trying to be thankful for what i have right now. because in the future, when things will inevitably change, (when i start school again, hopefully) i will have to move away, so i won't get to see my parents and siblings every day, i won't get to spend time with dogs as much. so while i'm still here, i'm just going to cherish these moments before the time comes that i will start missing it.

idk i even made an ounce of sense with this. but overall, just take it day by day and always remember that life is not a race. every thing happens at it's own pace, you'll get there when it's time for you to get there. that what i keep reminding myself anyway.

[piecksie]

This has been the most exhausting, toxic and mentally draining relationship i had. I shouldnt have expected things to work out because it was wrong from the beginning. I was so desperate i was so into it, It's like im inside a fun house with all the things ive longed for inside. She was convincing, she was everything i wanted in one person. All the words coming out of her mouth were like my favorite music to my ears. Everything felt so right, it felt so good. Her touches was like magic. It was gentle and rough at the same time. It was addicting. It didnt crossed my mind that what we were doing was wrong. Even if it did i didnt care. I felt so lost in it. I still feel lost in it. As i am writing this i remember every word she said the last time we were together; She wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, she never loved anyone like this. If she was to choose someone it would be me. As someone who has never been the first choice hearing that melted my heart. It validated my existence. It gave me a small spark of hope that maybe when the time is right we can try again. Because i could never imagine myself with anyone else. I was enclosed in her world and i never want to get out. She's like a drug i was addicted to, now im not getting any of her feels like im in a withdrawal phase. Im craving it, im losing my mind without her. She was all i know, she was the one i was building a future with. Everything she told me was all i know and was all i wanted to believe in. Now im realizing from the beginning it was all lies, she was a poison that tasted like my favorite food. I couldnt stop and didnt know it was slowly killing me. I am now breathing new air, i am out of the "fun" house. The show's over, and she was nowhere to be found. I was thrown under a moving bus. I was dragged to filth. Her mask is removed and she was this disgusting monster who was eating my insides. It gives me chills just being reminded by her. Every corner of this house has her presence in it. My bed, my couch, my bathroom even the curtains on the walls has her stains. Whenever i think about how i will be seeing her i get goosebumps all over. I get scared, i get reminded of all the moments i laughed and all the conversation was playing on repeat. Her voice was like a trigger warning. Her smell haunts me. She has stained my soul, she has marked my life. Not just my body but my soul. She became my all, she was with me for two short months but she will be haunting my life for god knows how long. She was the best worst experience of my life. She killed something in me. She snapped the joy inside me. Now i find it hard to ever trust anyone...She has killed the last remaining trustworthy part of me. She drove me to sin. She made me become the kind of person i hated the most. I dont know if ill ever get my old self back. I dont know if Ill ever learn to trust again. I don't know if i'll ever get over her. To be honest if she comes back im not sure i could even reject her. All i know is being with her was like self harming. Being with her was the suicide attempt i never intended to do.

[cats-thoughts]

Okay see I WANT mac n cheese. But I am not at a great level of emotional strength rn so if I do I AM going to cry when I put the cheese in Cassie and I used to fight over who got to add the cheese, it was one of the few things we'd fight over

LMAO one time Froglord tried to add in the cheese and I literally snatched it from his hands it was SO rude, every neuron in my brain activated at once like MY CHEESE MY JOB I ADD THE CHEESE POWDER

oh my gosh that reminds me of the biscuit incident. I like to think im generally chill but I have personal Traditions and if u disrupt them I will be UPSET which is unfair to my friends but. Im working on it. Anyways we used to make biscuits sunday mornings (Cassie, me, and our grandma) and our grandma would split the extra dough between us. So I was making biscuits with froglord, and split the dough with them,,, and they put in in the oven with the rest of the biscuits. LIKE. NO. THATS NOT WHAT YOU DO. YOU PLAY WITH THE DOUGH AND EAT IT RAW LIKE A MAN SALMONELLA DOESNT EXIST WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG AND STUPID AND HAVING FUN. i didnt say anything (unfair for Froglord, I know, he cant know something bugs me unless I tell him, Im working on it- which i keep saying but its true I am working on it) but i remember it bugged me for the rest of the day.

Cassie and I used to play the silent game of wills where you try to keep your bit of dough for longer, until the other person gives up and eats it, at which point you win and get to smugly eat your dough and wordlessly rub it in their face that I HAVE DOUGH AND YOU DONT NERDD

OH MY GOSH one time she trapped me under a table after school and forced me to learn how to write my name in cursive, I think it was like first or second grade? The Mother had instituted a very strict "you can only eat a snack up to 30 minutes after getting home, otherwise you have to wait until dinner" and ya boi was HUNGRY so anyways I know how to write my deadname in cursive. Thanks cassie very helpful now svhgVhgvhgdav anyways its fine my deadname includes C a and t so I can cobble together my name from that but like. thats so funny.

WE USED TO CONSPIRE AGAINST HER TO GET EXTRA SWEET SNACKS! The Mother had like, a rule on the whiteboard in the kitchen that we could only have 2 sweet snacks in a week, and then we had to eat like, fruits and other healthy things. Fair enough. Cassie and I LOVED sugar though so we would like, take an extra popsicle as a snack and agree not to tell The Mother. It was our little secret. I'd always hear when she was coming down the stairs first so Cassie and I could finish the popsicles/hide the evidence before she got to us

this is now just a post of fond memories btw

We'd have sleepovers in Cassie's room, cause it was bigger, and we'd set up pillow forts with sheets for roofs and walls, and it'd be like, a tent, and we'd watch a movie together (usually monty python search for the holy grail, we loved that movie, i still do) and we'd make this whole plan to sneak to the kitchen at midnight and get snacks. Even planned to sleep in shifts and everything. Except we never did because Cassie wouldnt wake up for her shifts or the snacks and I was too afraid to go alone and besides what even is the point of getting snacks if you cant do it with a buddy?

oh but she was SO MUCH BETTER at waking up in the mornings!! My dad is great at waking people up in a less jarring way, but I still hated mornings. Cassie would get up at like 5 am to play minecraft or poptropica on the computer though, and I'd usually drag myself up a bit later to watch. Hated mornings, loved videogames.

oh god The Mother was terrible at waking me up, she would Blast Shitty Country Rap at 100 volume (not kidding she had it on the tv at 100% volume) and clap really louding shouting "WAKE UP WAKE UP GET UP" and would get very mad when you weren't on your feet in 10 seconds i HATED it, im rlly sensitive to loud noises. If Cassie was still around she'd probably get really mad at her for it. But she never woke me up until Cas was gone and she deemed it her weekend Job to wake me up at 8 am Every. Time. I was getting like 2 hours of sleep on weekends cause I'd stay up until Way Too Early playing minecraft- there was this one server I loved, MCC? MMC? MCM? It was something like that, and i made a bunch of cool friends there. Hope they're doing well! They were like, the highlight of my time in Oklahoma. Sometimes my mom would catch me awake past bedtime playing and she'd get PISSED and take the laptop and demand I apologize but I. Wouldn't? I'd just lay down and face the wall (and cry cause I was terrible in the face of getting in trouble but she didn't know that) and eventually she'd leave me alone and I'd get the computer back the next day.

Right, this is for fond memories, hm

Oh! Cassie and I would play Do Not Laugh on Minecraft while she was at the hospital! We shared a laptop, so we'd trade off looking away until the joke was set up and then watch over the other's shoulder. I became pretty obsessed with mcyt at the time as an escape (I was Very Much a Skydoesminecraft fan, back then, as well as Aphmau later on. Oh, and Stampy! Loved Stampy, and Dan! and prestonplayz, back when he did parkour and fighting and such. does anyone else feel like they're watching an ad when they watch him now? Idk, i hope hes having fun though. Gosh, there are so many im just remembering now. Cassie found her favorite song, Paradise by Coldplay, because I showed her Sky's song. New world? I dont remember, it was a parody of that song though.) Anyways she was better at building by a LONG SHOT (she built an epic rustic mansion with like, brick gradients and everything, which was pretty epic for lil 9 year old me to see) but I almost always won the Do Not Laughs. Half the time our jokes were singing songs and throwing out items that were similar. I did have a GENIUS joke though, where I set up a little room underground and put a laptop on the desk and a mini slime in a chair and in the most "6 year old with a cold" voice possible went "I AM THE EVIL DR SLIME, AND I AM GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!" -mom voice- "honey!! dinner time!!" "Wh- MOm! I'm Busy!" "Dont give me that tone, mister, get in here right now!" "Yes mom..." that one was such a hit Cassie called over our Dad and I reenacted it for him

WE USED TO RIDE OUR BIKES DOWN THE PARKING GARAGE I came up with the genius idea of taking the elevator up (it was always midnight, dw, no one was there except the one time people were and got on the elevator with us. that was funny) and we'd SPEED down it was so much fun

SHJGSHJ CASSIE GOT THE DOGS TO PULL HER AROUND IN A WHEELCHAIR IT WAS HILARIOUS Jax loved it, he was such a sweet dog and he loved showing off his strength. Roxy just wanted to beat Jax, I think LMAO

man I miss her. I'm gonna go make mac n cheese now

sorry this is so long I just needed somewhere to dump a buncha memories, you know? hope they were entertaining!

[snorlaxlovesme]

ACK okay im just gonna say something. im gonna only allow myself 30 minutes to talk about it and then i’m gonna go back to being chill or whatever for forever or until i get a therapist

suicide tw, this post is about a person committing suicide and my feelings on it so don’t look if that make you feel a certain type of way

i had a friend in college freshman year. we because FAST friends, BEST friends, like immediately and it was awesome. i had a bunch of good memories of doing dumb shit with her freshman year and it felt like we would be friends for life.

sophomore year our friendship got ugly. my jealousy of her money and her rude jokes at my expense caused a lot of tension. the end of first semester we had a GIANT fight. it was about nothing but underneath it was about all of that bubbling tension. friendship ended.

that year my depression kicked in HIGH gear. i almost flunked out of school. i don’t know how she was doing. we didn’t speak.

we continued to not speak except in public cordial settings.

senior year she tried to kill herself. she found out she had BPD and it explained a LOT of her problems but the knowing didn’t solve anything and she almost died. she was a very candid person, so if ppl asked her about her attempt she was happy (bad wording, but you know) to talk about it and raise awareness. she was a storyteller at heart, so she was open to tell the story.

we were not friends then. so i never asked. i read about it on facebook. i read a lot of her novel-length statuses and learned things about her i could have learned in person.

after college we liked each other’s statuses occassionally. i never saw her after that photo we took on graduation day. 

me and my friends spent a lot time talking shit about her amongst ourselves bc everyone was on My side about that BIG FIGHT we had. i forgot a lot of our good memories bc i spent so much time reminding myself to dislike her. ADHD is good at wiping brains, so my brain got pretty thoroughly wiped. all the inside jokes, all the movies nights and sitting on my bed laughing and dinner in the cafeteria and walks to Dollar General and rants about our personal lives were gone. 

long after college i find a notebook with a letter addressed to her that i don’t remember writing. i told her how i agree, i think that our fighting was stupid and i miss her too. i want to know how she’s doing. i want to learn equestrian terms from her again and have tell me things about coding. i want to be friends again. 

i wish. i WISH i could remember writing this letter in this notebook. i wish i could remember the letter she must have sent me to get me to respond. but i told my memory to wipe itself and it did jut that. all i can parse together is that she must have sent me a letter saying that she missed me, saying she wanted to give us another try, in my school mailbox. and in this old notebook is the letter i never sent.

i don’t know if it was out of bitterness. i don’t know if my ADHD and depression just stopped me from physically being able to tear out these three pieces of paper and address them to her. i don’t know if i just forgot about it and never thought about it again.

about two months after i found that letter i never sent, she killed herself. i was called on a Sunday morning and told by my college roommate, and we both spent the rest of the conversation in mild shock trying to figure out if it was true, how she did it, how her family was taking it. the conversation was weirdly sterile and emotionless. like i was finding out that someone i once knew broke their leg, and it was interesting enough to have a brief conversation about but not enough to say much more on.

but i was silent for the next two days.

i went to the funeral. it was a weird. we were all there and crying at the appropriately sad and emotional parts, but after the funeral me and my roommate talked about her boy problems and how good the food was. i know coping sometimes involves avoiding talking about the Bad Thing, but now the funeral has ended, the perfect time to talk about her, and it feels like we missed that opportunity.

i have this weird thing that sometimes feels like anti-anxiety. while an anxious person walks into a room and assumes every person hates them, i assume everyone either loves me or doesn’t think of me at all. 

since we were no longer friends, i just assumed my former-friend never thought of me at all.

but i thought of her, didn’t i? i’ve never been in a relationship, so i’ve never truly broken up with someone, but if i had to guess, the heartbreak i felt when we stopped being friends is how it would feel. it ate at me for months after stopped talking, it made every interaction we had awkward because i longed for the fun times we had, but i hated her, but i wished she would talk to me, but i didn’t even want to look at her. if people asked me what the significant Plot Points in my life were, our sophomore year fallout would always make the list.

the odds that she thought about me sometimes? probably pretty high. she thought about me enough to send me a letter to try and fix whatever he had. she missed me like i missed her, even though i spent years trying to push down that truth. she sent me that letter and i never even RESPONDED. 

i don’t know what i’m saying. because i’m not trying to say i caused her death because she had a lot of problems and being bi-polar helped none of them, i’m sure. but i know that whatever we had, whatever we lost, whatever i refused to give back caused her unhappiness. 

and now she’s dead. she waited only a few days after her 27th birthday.

i don’t know how i feel. about any of it. i spent SO LONG after our friendship dissolved genuinely trying to forget that she existed so it wouldn’t hurt so much that all that love between us was gone. now the hole in my heart where she was is so much BIGGER because she killed herself. and i have no one to talk about it with. everyone became Team SHE SUCKS so now talking about the good times we had feels. hypocritical i guess. i can’t talk about how sad this all makes me. how i’m mad at her for doing this. how i wish i never found that never-sent letter. i wouldn’t have remembered that she tried to repair us that and that i denied her the chance. i wouldn’t think about how much it must have hurt to wait for a response that never came.

i want her to be alive so i can tell her i’m sorry for that. that i’m sorry for the jealousy and for not recognizing HER feelings until it was too late. i want to talk about horses with her again. i can’t look at horses now without thinking of her. i can’t hear a new song or watch a new movie or see something beautiful without thinking that she can’t experience these things now. that her experience of life ended a year ago today.

i don’t know. i don’t know how to end this. if i could i’d take back all the memories of her that i wiped away. i wish i at least had those.

[sunbrights]

fic: feldspar

fandom: the magicians characters/pairings: queliot babey rating: t

fuckin' around with inktober again this year! this is for day 1, "crystal."

-

The morning Eliot left Indiana, he stole an heirloom crystal wine glass from his mother’s china cabinet.

read on AO3

[hanaasbananas]

What a great time to be reminded of why I absolutely loathe myself lmao