#im. having a very autistic moment rn

[rinja-espurr]

okay but what if i also. make a list of every pokemon that. can control or possess or affect the minds of others in some way <3 but specifically based on dex info and some bonus info <3

[toastsnaffler]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[queerstudiesnatural]

i feel like i just lost my one remaining irl friend. it's silly because she's still here and we didn't have a fight or anything but. we just ran into each other when i was coming home from work and she was going out on a date. she told me i looked like a zombie, i didn't even know she was dating. and not just dating some random guy, but she has a boyfriend. which made me realise that i haven't talked to her in a long time. we briefly saw each other once for a music thing two weeks ago, and then before that the last time we hung was a month and a half ago. and we used to always be together and i knew everything about her life and suddenly she's a stranger. it was like running into someone i was friends with in middle school except she's my best friend and a month ago we were still inseparable. and now she has a boyfriend, which was a slap in the face for so many reasons. first of all we're gonna see even less of each other now. second of all i know i haven't met the guy and i shouldn't judge him without knowing him, but i know he's 11 years older than her so already i'm not a fan. not sure i'm gonna wanna hang out with them together. it's gonna take some time for me to adjust to that. but mostly i was just so taken aback because she didn't tell me. she never told me she was seeing someone. which, given that she greeted me with "dude you look like a zombie 🥴", i get. apparently i look just as bad as i feel. i hadn't realised that. i mean i know i look bad, but i didn't think it was that noticeable to other people. i must be terrible company too, i know i speak slowly and i'm too tired to go out and i'm just no fun really.

i just feel so isolated. i don't have any friends. it just hit me. everyone around me is either pulling away from me, or i pulled away from them without realising, or they're going through their own crap and in no better shape than i am. my work friend is off work because she just lost her father. my mother is as depressed as i am. my best friends rn are my grandparents, they're the only people i still see/call regularly. and even then, my grandma just turned 80 this weekend and my grandpa is 81, and they're losing their health and they're scared and so am i. i have no one to lean on and i can't let anyone lean on me because i'll collapse.

[autism-corner]

love being bisexual 6=w=9

[not-5-rats]

Roommate is autistic, why? because I (autistic) said so

Also I have this image in my head, and really want to share it! So here have a silly little fic about besties with sensory issues (sorry if this isn't very good, it's like 11pm rn and I'm wacked-)

[approx 1,174 words]

Roomie hates fireworks, it's something Mitch and them had always agreed on. They're so loud and there no knowing when ones going to go off, literally the worst things in the world. Unfortunately there's not much you can do to avoid them, no matter where you go the noise will always follow you...

Roomie had gotten word from a friend that there was gonna be a firework display that night for some sort of celebration, they were annoyed because they had plans for that evening but they knew they couldn't go through with them if those fucking things were going off. So they were rather upset when they got home

They threw themself onto the couch as Mitch appeared in the living room. He cautiously made his way over to the couch

"Eh hey? You alright down there-?"

He tried to peek at their face to see I'd they were actually upset or just chilling in their own odd way...but there was no hope. He gave them a little prod, no reaction

"Heyy? What's up with you?"

"Hmmmm, fireworks :("

Mitch sat down on the floor, legs crossed, beside the couch. A hand perched on the edge just beside Roomies head

"Fireworks?"

"There's gonna be fireworks tonight...I can't go out anymore-"

Their words were muffled because of their face being pressed against the couch cushions, but it was clear they were upset by this. Roomie had been talking about their plans for weeks! They had been so excited, this was the biggest thing going for them right now! And now it wasn't happening

Mitch knew how excited they had been for it, he felt sorry for them, not only because they couldn't go through with their plans but because....fireworks! He sat there for a moment, silence taking over the room until he had a sudden idea

"Wait there, I will be right back!!!"

He ran off, Roomie looked up as he sped of the door...jeez he was fast. They sat up, pulling their knees up to their chest and resting their chin ontop of their knees. Mitch was audibly running around, collecting things from many rooms, they had no idea what he was doing but they stayed sat down, rocking slightly as they gazed around the room trying to think of what he had planned

Eventually Mitch came running back in, a huge bundle of stuff in his arms. Roomie tried to get a look at what he had but as soon as he came back he began to shuffle Roomie out of the living room and into their own room

"Come on, I have to set things up! Nope, no! Im not telling you! Its a surprise dummy, i cant tell you! Although you should probably get into pj's, like supeeeer comfy ones! No I'm not telling you why!!! Just do it!!!"

And...he's gone again. At this point Roomie was itching to know what that idiot had planned. They decided they would get changed, it would pass some time and comfy pj's would probably make them feel a bit better right now. So they got into their pajamas and sat on their bed before remembering they hadn't told their friends they wouldn't be attending their meet up. Luckily their friends were understanding and promised to meet up another time.

The sound of the door opening made them jump almost falling to the floor, then they realised it was just Mitch who had finally finished his suprise. By this point it was dark out and Roomie knew the fireworks would be starting soon so they hoped that wouldn't distrust whatever he had planned.

They went into the living room...that's when they saw it. The most amazing couch fort you could ever imagine stood infront of them. Roomie was honestly pretty suprised by it, no wonder it had taken Mitch so long this thing was fucking awesome!! Adding to the greatness of the suprise, the big light was off and the curtains closed, the entire room lit only by fairy lights that were strung around the fort. So there were no overwhelming lights to stress abt

"Well? What you waiting for go, get in!"

Mitch hurried then into the fort, inside there was a mass of pillows, teddies and blankets. It was one of the cosiest spaces ever known to mankind. It didn't take long for Roomie to get cosy, just as they thought this suprise couldn't get better they were handed a box. They asked what was in it

"Just open it!"

So they did, inside there was a pair of noise-cancelling headphones along with a small scented candle

"I meant to give you these later but I thought now was probably a better time"

They smiled...their friends were always supportive of them and their disability but this? Nobody had done something like this for them before. They felt tears prickling in their eyes but just as they went to thank him they smelt...burning?

"Mitch...is something burning?"

"What?...OH CRAP!"

He ran off into the kitchen, Roomie just sat staring at the blankets around them. It was really nice in here, not just because forts are super cool but because this was one of the sweetest things anybody had done for them...their autism made dealing with change really hard for them and sure people tried to be supportive but this? This was a whole other level of support

"Okay so y'know the pizzas we had in the freezer? Yeah ehm I may have tried to cook them...and I may have burned them"

Mitch came through the doorway, standing with his hands awards behind his back

"You wanna order in?"

Roomie just nodded, words abandoning them in the moment. They ordered the pizza and were waiting for it to arrive, Mitch had joined Roomie in the fort and the two sat happily. Neither of them really said anything, they were just enjoying the cosiness of the fort...but Roomie felt a need to express their gratitude

"...thanks Mitch, for all this...it really means alot and ehm.."

They tried to find the words but alas...they couldn't put their thoughts into words

"I'm sorry...I don't-"

They were cut off by a suprise hug being wrapped around them. They were a bit taken aback but they quickly relaxed into it. They wrapped their arms around their friend. He knew how they felt, he knew what they wanted to say...even if they couldn't quite say it.

It was in this moment that Roomie realised just how comfortable they were around Mitch, he was the first...well not person but ehm person-like-thing that really understood them, that knew how they felt. Their connection felt almost unreal, like something described only in fairytales.

Slowly Roomie felt themself drift off to sleep, the arms around them acting as a safety blanket so that even after the fireworks began they didn't feel upset. They could still hear the explosions going off, but with the headphones muffling them and the arms around them offering a constant comforting warmth...it didn't really bother them.

"...thank y-"

"shhhhhh, shoosh, after everything you've done for me, there's no need for that"

They couldn't help but chuckle, as they rolled their eyes

"fine...no thanks to you then"

With that they fell asleep

THATS IT, IM DONE

I'm not great at writing like comfort first so ehhhhh hope this is ok? Also alot of Roomies autistic traits in this are based off of my own experiences with autism so sorry if it sounds silly to you guys

[catgirlbussy]

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

l

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

[soapexclamationmark]

SPOILERS FOR ONE PIECE THROUGH EGGHEAD!!!

i love Nika so much, and honestly this might be my favotite characterization of a sun god! a god of hope and liberation, which was once crushed centuries ago, but as long as someone longs for him, as long as those under oppression pray and hope for liberation in their heart, joyboy will persist! this persistance through oppression is also cyclical like the sun, no matter how long the night is, the morning sun will *always* rise. i especially loved how this motif was introduced in wano, but with the introduction of the great imu, as well as learning more about the void century and how joyboy was erased from history, and the ancient war, im hoping we see a LOT more of this motif throughout the rest of the final saga, after all, LUFFY WILL BRING DAWN TO THE WORLD!!!! i especially love how luffy is represented as nika. the way his love brings hope everywhere it shines, the way he truly brings hope everywehre he goes, the way that he wont fucking stay down, he keeps rising like the sun in the morning. also i LOVE his heartbeat becoming the drums of liberation, thats such a wonderful motif. CAN I ALSO ALK ABOUT THE FORSHADOWING????obviously we have the references to joyboy in fishman island, and the reveal of the sun god nika well before we learn that luffy is him, but also the fact that all of raid on onigashima was at night? and that through the long night luffy literally brought dawn to wano! we also have water seven and ennies lobby, with most of water seven, arguably robins darkest moment, her darkest night, being all during the night, and ennies lobby, with luffy coming to save her, coming the next morning, him rising, fighting through all of ennies lobby to meet her and bring, both literally and metaphorically for robin, a new day. especially with a lot of very old foreshadowing (like buggy in orange town and jaya/skypiea foreshadowing the sunken continent, but thats so far beyond the scope of this post) its really hard to tell how much of this is intentional, but i feel like we have definitely seen the night and day motif in other places, i just cant remember them rn. anyway i think thats enough autistic rambling about one piece for now

[pey-up]

Tell me about your OCs!!!

YIPPEEEEEEEEE

youre all going to regret this.

This is gonna be long so RANT UNDER CUT-

Okokok so i have multiple stories but ill spare yall and just give you the main one (or ig the most fleshed out one?)

It follows a teen girl Elora, who's a silly gal and by silly i mean autistic and would bite someone if pressed. She reallyyy likes big words, like you know those hyperspesfic words that describe super specific moments or feelings? She loves those. Being super specific is her Jam. Anyways, she's friends with two kids Edgar (has bit someone and would bite again) and Paige (would never bite someone. Allows affectionate biting.)

Theyre not vampires theyre just weird/aff

Elora's mom is named Bellaire, she's a single mom who works one job, loves her kid and never stops, we love Belle. Where is eloras dad you may be asking!? Doesnt exist. Pokemon style. (I have never played pokemon but ive seen enough delia x jesse art to know). I kinda leave the second parent up for interpretation because its fun to see what ppl come up with :3 (kinda like mrs. Afton? Literally built out of headcanons and dreams) Bellaire is a health IT worker and she loves it! It's why she moved to Pennsylvania in the first place! She kinda moved around a bit as a kid from france to italy to north carolina so good for her for staying put :3

Uh- okay so one thing about my stories is i do not care if its realistic for a Korean woman in 1987 to be working IT. The world in my stories is nicer. Doesnt mean bad stuff doesnt exist! It just means im going to pretend it can happen because she deserves for it to happen >:[

Belle and Elora are real close since theyre kinda the only family each other have, El has a tricky time expressing emotions and affection, whereas Belle is reallt outwordly affectionate so some miscommunication happens there :( boy itd be a shame if Someone were to not make it to the end of the story and theyd be unable to communicate properly (<- its not written yet.. i will be killing at least someone off though...)

Edgar and El have that "never met one of my parents" swag, Edgar in the form of my dad sucks (im not projecting youre projecting. What.) And his momma died when he was real young. His mom and Bellaire were reallll... close.

They were gay.

But yknow, she died so Ed's dad took over and cut belle out of edgars life, so poor baby ed has zero support systemUntil he meets elora on a rainy day when hes much older, about 12 or 13 id say?

Paige is significantly less traumatized, but she has the "i need to be suuper happy and a support system for everyone else because they obviously have it worse than i do" disorder :(

THERE IS A PLOT TO THIS I SWEAR!!! SORRY ITS KINDA WORD VOMIT RN-

Its more put together when i write it i swear (two chapters r in my pinned post, ill write more when school starts and i get settled in my creative writing class again :3 gimmie a week or so hehe)

Heres some doodles i did of them! The placeholder title is currently Aberrant so its tagged under that (and then specific characters of their names, Elora Carpenter, Paige Madden, Edgar, etc)

Thanks very very much for the ask!!!!!

[natsmagi]

Saw them saying that your FemTsumugi is not so cool.

Well, I just wanna say, I LOVE YOUR FEMTSUMUGI! I mean, it looks just right, and somehow, the vibe is just so Tsumugi I can't stop loving it. Don't care about them! Do what you love!

I understand that all ES characters have different heights and weights but their body type are not very diverse. It is not a bad thing, since it is really hard to put lots of body types into 51 3D models. Also because of the standards and marketing.

But of course, that doesn't mean we can't have our hc. So, go! Let ourselves be free and have fun!

EWMSDJHDJF THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!💕💕💕💕💕 it makes me so happy that you like her!!! everyones free to have their own visions for how a character is to be depicted, to act like one variant is the end all be all is a little silly. and if u dont like my version ur more than welcome to create ur own! and if u DO like my version then thank you!!! hope i can make more art to your tastes in the future!!!❤️

but yea i get why this is something people are very passionate about, but know ppl not liking my art or the way i draw things doesnt bother me and i most CERTAINLY will not stop doing what i love 💪💪💪 at the end of the day i draw for myself after all main reason i might end up yapping alot whenever this stuff is brought to my attention is just bc im autistic and dont know when to shut up. Plus i wanna try making my points very clear hence the constant paragraph long responses (like im doing rn LOL) so i often end up over-speaking on an issue that doesnt warrant it but thats basically it. i can get a lil heated in the moment as im just in general a more angry person but that doesnt mean its anything super deep in my eyes so FRET NOT!!!

AND YES!! i think people having different hcs is what can make things fun and interesting!! so i really want people to bring their visions to life..... do it for u!

[k1rameki]

yippee its that time again, long hc post about dalia YAY ‼️‼️ i wouldve posted this last week but a bitch has been busy working on otha projects yo 🫡🫡 im hustling atm

also i am on an absolute ROLL with these rn because its fun to hc stuff for my favs (WHICH BTW IM ALSO WRITING UP MY HCS FOR ALDRYX SO STAY TUNED FOR THAT >:3)

@beans2cheese ik youre currently lookin forward to this >:3 thank you for being patient w me its much appreciated ^_^

first and foremost we gotta get the neurodivergency outta the way bc my autistic ass loves making all my favourite characters nd,, also shes got social anxiety and depression bc i have social anxiety and depression ion make the rules

also bigender she/him dalia bc im a she/him pronoun using bigender and i said so

ive spoken about my deaf dalia hc before (AND CROW HAS A SIMILAR HC WITH TABI THAT WE TALKED ABOUT TOGETHER ON DISCORD) but turning off her hearing aid whenever noise is too overwhelming or whenever she cant be bothered to deal with people's bs

CRAZY HIGH SPICE TOLERANCE. she and ayana are the kinda people who eat ghost peppers for fun and feel literally nothing at all

chronically late to every single outing with his friends. like tell him to get there in an hour and she will use that time to nap and get ready five minutes before shes supposed to be there

taller than ayana but not by much, boots on, dalia's 5'10/11, without em then he's 5'7

competitive as fuck and will rage at you for screwing her over in board games or video games, expect to hear a plethora of curse words in both english and spanish

generally speaking too dalia has an incredibly short temper (which im pretty sure is canon???) and literally anything can set him off

she and aldryx are sparring buddies you cannot convince me otherwise, hes the one teaching dalia all these nifty tricks and such ^_^ (also shes a kickboxing pro no questions asked)

once dalia tried b-boying to impress ayana and ended up in the hospital with a dislocated shoulder and a bruised ego

🔻: "babe????? are you okay 😭"

🎧: "psshh im fine the sigma grind never dies" (said dalia as she looked away cringing at herself for flopping that so hard)

and trust me, nobody was letting her live that down

has special nicknames for all her loved ones ^_^ they're either something really sweet and sentimental or incredibly fucking stupid

emoticon user!! over text dalia loves using those cute kaomojis (trust me thats not the energy she gives off around other people especially not her close friends)

has a lot of niche interests and will reference something that either nobody knows like AT all or that is something so embarrassingly unfunny that its painful to listen to

🎧: "damn this greedler fanart goes crazy"

📼: "the WHO NOW"

she has the WORST sense of humor ever. literally anything is making this mf laugh

when dalia and ayana first started dating she made an attempt to keep up this persona of just being incredibly suave and chillgoing but the moment aya kissed her for the first time dalia just fucking melted and turned into a complete dweeb right then and there (she looks back on it and is very embarrassed)

OH AND SPEAKING OF HER AND AYA,, café or shopping dates where they just get food and wander around town together not wanting the day to end, bonus if they stay out late and theres a light display going on outside (boy im boutta make ship hcs for them now hold awn im insane)

[l0rd-0f-c0ws]

I traced the strings back to YOU, the missfire creator, and now I have two things to say.

1) THIS SHIP IS SO WONDERFUL EUGHHGFDHGFGFG OH MYGOD 3RD EYE OPENED. Thank you so much for throwing this rarepair in my radar.

2) Do you have any missfire/cesium headcanons?? I'd LOVE to hear some :3c

I FINALLY HAVE GOTTEN MY BRAIN TO WORK ENOUGH TO ANSWER THIS HI HI HI HELLO :) I am in fact no the creator tho that would be @soupsy-daisy who wrote This fic!! I just got VERY autistic about the pairing and was the first person to suggest a name for them (I am the cesium person idr who came up with missfire rn but its also v cute :) )

as for headcanons here are some !!! (Under the cut for those who don't want to see my rambles :) )

Miss Pauling has (somewhat) learned all the languages the Mercs know! this was a job requirement as she had to make sure they weren't keeping secrets, but she does enjoy it. Pyro CAN speak they just don't like taking off their mask nor do they like shouting for people to be able to hear them (legit i have a friend who tried playing dnd in one of those and half the time he had to yell so i could hear him right next to me), so they use sign and writing stuff down to communicate a lot. She was the first person to be able to understand pyro using ASL and she was the one to encourage the team to learn.

Pyro has cronic pain (mecore) and often has flare ups after battles pretty often, and it makes it hard for them to move and shit because Their Legs are being Taken by the Demons. They tend to just try and power through despite feeling like their muscles are attacking them and refuse to tell medic because they feel like they'll just be dismissed as dramatic. While the other mercs have noticed something is up with Pyro when they get back to base most days, no one pushes them to hard on it since theyre always quick to deny any oddities in their behavior, but Ms. P knows because well... its her job to know. She did get them to go to medic and get pain meds to help, as well as laying down with them when its gets to be too much. she also got them a cane not long after to help them out as well as some cute stickers and stuff to decorate it with :)

Pauling hates loud noises if she doesn't feel she has any control over them (Mecore again). like a gunshot? eh half the time shes the one firing the gun, and if she isn't then soon she will be. But things like people suddenly shouting when she didn't expect it, thunder and fireworks, stuff like that will just really mess her up. Pyro is pretty neutral on loud noises like that (tho they LOVE thunder and storms in general) so typically they'll go find her and just sit down and enjoy the silence together away from that

its actually pyros love of storms that helps her enjoy them herself. I have to draw out my idea for this since its a very spesific gay little moment but she basically over their time together begins to associate rain with them and without realizing it starts to get just as excited about rain too :)

I can post some more hcs later but a lot of the ones I had to stop myself from posting are gonna be kinda mentioned in some fics im working on rn >:) Gonna finish chapter 2 of safe with me tonight hopefully so stay tuned for that!!

[moodymeangirl]

having realisations. the four people who have declared me dangerous/abusive when they've identified emotions in my voice

(including times of feeling love and excitement)

have begun to do so very soon after the first time i disagreed or disobeyed them in the friendship.

Person 1 called the way i was speaking to them unsafe when asked what their mixed signals meant (be lovingly normal in front of friends but mean on text). I was immediately blocked and they act like I don't exist in irl spaces. The message I sent was literally 'hey what's going on with all the mixed signals?'.

Person 2 called me 'fucking awful, arrogant, a monster, a predator, and affronting' the first time we hung out in a group after I'd declined to become her domme. The conversation she instigated to attack me involved asking if I agree with her that our group social worker is attractive, then casting aspersions of predatory sexual behaviour onto to me when I said yes. I am ace.

Person 3 was present with Person 2. I was trapped in back of Person 3 car on the way to visit Person 2's parents home, late at night. Person 2 lied about her words, and Person 3 claimed to have not heard it. Referencing that claim and 2's denials together they interrogated and insulted me, before leaving me sat in the gutter outside 2's home. I found out later they spent the next hour or so abusing me behind my back, watching me cry in the street from an upstairs window. They later both admitted like it was nothing that it was all made up, they did hear, and Person 2 said they were mad at me for different reasons and wanted to lash out. Both 2 and 3 have expressed to me since that they enjoyed it.

Person 4 (bestie of 15yrs) began a year long pattern of silent treatment, threatening to leave friendship, implying im hated by all my friends, saying im becoming my abusive father (i am not and i am a trans woman), demanding care, demanding access to my other friends and supports then excluding me from their social contact with my mates (telling my friends I preferred it this way) and routinely accusing me of speaking in an abusive tone ---- immediately after they realised I would not accept being spoken to cruelly/have my thoughts decided for me, the first time they tried it since moving into my flat. It was at the exact moment I first expressed a clear boundary of respect in 15 years, that I became an abusive, perverse, male dv committing quote 'autistic rapist or school shooter in waiting'. That day I wound up yelling IMNOTBAD and LISTENTOME at them, which was all the proof they needed to engage in a campaign of gaslighting, forced isolation from them and others, having one rule for me and another rule for anybody id introduced them to, manipulating my identity issues and autism in therapy so much so that the therapist joined in on punishing stimming and speaking up for myself with assertions that im lying about my emotions, deliberately triggering my cptsd, only talking to me when they wanted to come stay or when they needed to be helpe thru a crisis: generally choosing the cruellest possible option at every turn. All while I tried hard to be better in therapy, and desperately lapped up any glimmers of affection. any signal they loved like me they used to before they 'realised I was an abuser'.

Rn I am in a situation where they are telling my closest friends they are excited for the future and are actuvely planning international holiday to visit my other best friend, and that in order to heal i shouldnt be invited. The same days literally, they are emailing me saying they're suicidal and that im unsafe and abusive and not to come near them - knowing I have ptsd from being the only person supporting then through a secret mental health crisis before. When I freak out and have serious episode and am basically losing my mind begging their other friends (people they bullied and gaslit me into introducing them to) to give them support bc if I go near them they'll likely die from the trauma of being near me, this friend is actively assuring those alarmed friends that they're perfectly fine and quote 'normal'. I don't disbelieve that they're suicidal btw, I just think they're comfortable torturing my emotions in order to access my loyalty and support. I think they want my friends and queer community for themselves, so they're avoiding revealing their vulnerability thru their own shame and identity stress.

It's also worth noting im out to my friends as having DID and Person 4 also has DID but is not out. Despite their anti-autism, anti-did, and anti-trans bigotry towards me being lateral they are actively weaponising my other friends concern for my mental health and deploying the stigma of a disorder they secretly have against me socially.

And I haven't and won't breach their privacy. I won't ignore their pleas, and I have provided significant support through the last week of their ideation and my being shocked and heartbroken into the realisation that unless my boundaries are suddenly respected, in action not merely words, that the most important relationship of my life so far will be one that I choose to leave (once ik that they're okay in terms of immediate threat to life ofc). And tbh that's if they don't decide they've got my friends locked in and finally fulfil their frequent threat to leave the friendship themselves. which to be quite honest they already do, unless they need me or they can use me to get someone they want.

and ftr I've known Person 4 has alters who are psychopathic for years. Allah knows one of my lovelies in our system is sociopathic herself. but for the majority of a 15 year family level relationship they have never chosen to treat me with disrespect, with cruelty, or with ill intent. we never used to set boundaries with each other bc the moral boundaries each of our systems set internally stopped us from ever harming each other. neither of us would be alive if not for the other. it's not like either of us having cluster bs or tetrad things happening in the complexities of our psyches ever contributed to harm b4, so I won't accept that as an excuse now. I don't deserve any of this cruelty, this harm, or this organised torture and social abandonment. Person 4 railed against Persons 1, 2, 3 during those events and encouraged me to stand my ground at every turn.

I just know now, that the way they're treating me is completely unacceptable. that rebuilding trust after the fact is a very very long journey should they ever be in a mindset to admit their wrongdoings. and that the damage they've done to my other community supports and close friendships may itself require a long period of repair, labour, and effort restitching wounds I didn't make cause or know had occurred. my loved ones now love this person. I've confided on those who offered and found that if I express even the merest trickle of a problem with Person 4s treatment of me that they stop listening. I've been told twice now that people want to ask P4's consent before listening to me speak about my own life.

it doesn't escape me that the first big realisation I had regarding the wrongness of P4s behaviour this year was their blanket refusal without explanation to allow me equal power / footing with them in terms of choosing to hang out, talk, or interact. meanwhile they made me watch from afar as they demonstrated and gave (seemingly) perfect respect and equality to the people who are now refusing to hear my voice note unless they talk to P4 first. like my autonomy has become accepted as non existent to the point where unrelated conversations are being secretly dictated from afar by this person. to the point where, had they not hit me with the intense fear that were going to die/in the same breath as telling me that if I try to help them ill make it happen - I'd still have accepted it.

I feel trapped. I know I need to end this friendship. But I am afraid to lose my closest friends when I do. Even if they don't ditch me, I have already lost their trust. I have already lost my right to self determination in those communities and friendships to another human being entirely. And if they remain friends with P4, if P4 continues to behave like this, I don't think I'll get that back. Not until they're facing the same behaviour themselves.

but. I am having RealisationsTM. In all these cases a majority of other people have been baffled by and have not felt what happened was okay in the slightest. the majority of people ik closely are autistic, trans, and or have DID and nobody else other than a minority of 4 - not even the people manipulated by P4 - take any issue at my autistic speech, emotionality, or desire to set boundaries and be treated as an autonomous equal.

so my conclusion is that this minority of four (out of hundreds in community and 10s in terms of close friends) are people who - for whatever reason - wanted me to accept being harmed disrespected, or controlled by them. and I didn't and I don't, so they *surprise surprise* made their bad behaviour more intense every time I stood up for myself.

no doubt the vulnerabilities of my intersections in society assisted them in this, but in No Way did my intersections or my soul cause this.

I am glad to have been in therapy. I will continue to be in therapy and work on not being someone who yells as a reaction to being abused. I haven't yelled once since that first time w P4 and I never raised my voice with the others. I am a flawed person but I'm not an abusive person. These events are not my doing. I did not deserve to be treated this way. I deserved the love, trust, and care I gave these people - which they abused. I exist. We exist. We are real and our heart will heal from these betrayals. We are loved.

[happyendingsong]

https://www.tumblr.com/happyendingsong/711257565221322752/susansontag-the-year-was-2023-it-was-the-best

Op is a terf that consistently misgenders transgender people on her blog and handwrings about the dangers of transition. She refers to transmascs as mislead autistic and gnc lesbian girls and transfems as homosexual men. The post must have felt affirming in the moment, but I think it changes context with the information on how the op views transgender people, do you agree?

ah fecks sake :( ty for taking the time to give me a heads up, i appreciate it. looking through her blog now i see what you mean, i shouldve scoped a bit before rbing

i know op of the screenshot in that post is likely referring to being suspicious of terf blogs. but it's so scary and frustrating being in this climate rn where there's a set amount of Women's Rights (purposefully vague) you can care about in a row before setting off red flags for being part of a hate group. it's incredibly depressing that that's the state of things, and that terfs sowing their shit have allowed things to get this way

i completely understand the experience of having hackles raised at a post abt misogyny that's a little too vague or reads a bit off. i get it all the time too, having to read and reread a post a couple times and check op's tags and check their blog, etc. it's exhausting at best and just incredibly vile that terfs have infested the conversation to such a point that plenty of people are wary of engaging with any discussions abt feminism at all. incredibly disheartening all around.

and i know that that jumpiness in combing for red flags, esp for trans people, is a necessary reflex for keeping themselves and others safe. im cis so ofc i can only imagine how much more exhausting and disheartening it is trying to navigate these spaces while trans.

i'm very sad about how a lot of feminist discourse online feels like it's come to a halt or circled back to square one on a lot of basic shit because of this necessary hypervigilant doubling back where people have to be incredibly specific to not have their words twisted and reappropriated by bad faith takes and literal fucking hate groups. which unfortunately is pretty standard for any discussion on marginalisation on tumblr and other sites. but it really has killed a lot of important discussion on feminism and i really lament that, it's been on my mind for ages. it's really hard to make any kind of progress in the conversation when you can't just assume people can be normal about trans people for five fucking seconds. im sorry things are like this

[funnywormz]

just finished sonic prime s2! some quick thoughts below the cut before i go to bed (spoilers ahead!)

- i liked this season a lot! i think i preferred it to the last one tbh

- the characterisation of sonic and shadow was ON POINT!!!!! love how they're portraying shadow in this season, he so often gets flanderised and mistreated by writers that it's nice to see him depicted as a more nuanced character again. sonic is a charming little fellow as he was in the first season, in general this portrayal of him is one of my favs. and the dynamic between them is so good. sonadow was 12 year old me's first ship ever so my inner pre-teen is LIVING rn as you can probably imagine lol. even outside of that though they play off of each other very well and their interactions were a highlight of the season for me. also the moment where shadow was falling gave me SO MANY flashbacks lol, thankfully sonic caught him this time 🥺

- the animation was also at a very high standard as it was last season, sound design and music were great too. ik it's been said a million times before but i do rlly like how they animate sonic's ears perking up and flicking around like a real animal's ears, very very cute

- to expand on sonic's characterisation, i do think this is definitely one of my top portrayals of him in like....... anything. this sonic is very emotive and expressive and he obviously cares a lot about people, and yet he's not the most emotionally intelligent and often misses social cues because he's so tied up in his own thoughts and perceptions. he doesn't come across as rude or annoying or selfish though, he's just genuinely not the best at reading people or being able to think outside of his own perspective which, as an autistic person, i find very relatable. he's flawed in a very realistic way. i can sometimes find sonic a slightly grating or annoying character but this take on him is one i enjoy a lot, you can tell he means well and he wants to help and cares about things very deeply, which i appreciate a lot.

- i do hope that they're going to explore shadow's character more next season and i ESPECIALLY hope that they're going to play around more with the idea of him and nine being foils to each other. it seemed rlly clear that shadow's trust issues were meant to reflect/parallel nine's same issues and subsequent betrayal of sonic, it's an interesting touch to have them reflect each other and i rlly hope they revisit it.

- i rlly loved the black rose and rusty rose dynamic and interactions too and i also hope we see more of that next season. the roses should start a union

- now im gonna get onto the negative points sorry. ik ppl will hate me for this but i really don't like dread. he just feels like an unnecessary addition to the plot and whenever he shows up i just feel like "ugggh not this guy again". his design and character is cool in isolation and he has some great moments but overall im not a fan of how they used him this season

- i had the same problem with this season as the first which is that it felt like there were a lot of unnecessarily long repetitive fight scenes with very little plot. this is more of a subjective thing in terms of my personal tastes, but at times i found it pretty tiresome and would even start skipping the fight scenes lol. they just get pretty predictable and same-y and it feels like obvious padding to prevent the plot from advancing too fast and it just gets frustrating

- i would have liked for the characters to have had a bit more downtime to interact and stuff this season. it felt like a few of those endless fight scenes could've been replaced with some fun interactions but idk. ik it's a show for little kids so they want to keep their attention with Big Explosion so i don't blame anyone for doing it this way, but these are just my personal feelings on it

- in general it felt like the stakes were SO HIGH for the entire season that it stopped feeling exciting pretty fast. i think that interspersing the action with some down time would have made the action more meaningful. it kinda felt like after a while the stakes stopped meaning anything bc they just kept ramping up constantly

- that being said, the prismatic titan was SO COOL and i greatly enjoyed sonic's showdown with it, my inner 12 year old was going INSANE

- i think that dr deep came into his own as a character much more for me this season, he was rlly funny and a lot of the jokes landed with him pretty well

- chaos sonic was SO FUN it's a shame we didn't get to see more of them

tldr: it definitely has flaws but overall i had fun. excited for more rodents in the future........

[noxiatoxia]

Hi! So I have a few things I wanted to say/ask so hopefully this isn't too long or out of place or anything

Okay so first off, you always reblog and say such nice things about my art in the tags and I wanted to say I appreciate it so much, I never know what to say but like you're the backbone of the hikakao community so it feels like a seal of approval in a way haha. And your art is so amazing like, damn! I love it sm. Kaoru has been my fav character for nearly a decade so I love seeing that its not just me he has a grip on, and as an autistic person myself who loves princesses’ and specifically Cinderella… well your hc means a lot to me haha. Oh and your hanahaki fic??? I ugly cried. SO damn good like the characterizations… one of the best Hikakao fics I've read on god

So I kinda wanted to ask two things, first being if you had to choose for the other hosts to have a fav princess who would it be? Im personally very partial to Tamaki loving Belle, given the like french beauty and romanticism of it all, plus her giving herself up for the safety of a parent connection. I like the idea of him being kinda dumb and taking it as you need natural inner AND outer beauty, which he oh so obviously has in spades and that kind of nonsense. Idk I was just curious if you'd have an opinion on this as ive been giving it some thought lately. Especially on Hikaru, I think he would like a more down to earth princess that doesn't have too much frills or singing in the film, like Merida because it's the most adventurous one without character songs if you're just going off disney. But idk I feel like another princess would suit him better, I just can't think of one rn

Second was if you had any thoughts or analysis of how the maid the twins had when they were young impacted them and their development? And more importantly how it impacted them each differently? Like obviously her saying no one may ever be able to tell them apart fucked with their heads, but like idk. Ive been thinking about it. And what if they never met her, and she never said that? Would they of been less warped? I think they'd just meet someone else who they liked who couldn't tell them apart, who'd just say the same thing in a different way. But how key was her betrayal of trust during a high stakes robbery of their parent's estate to all this? Im just musing at this point lmao

Oh also less an ask but I personally hc Kaoru to dissociate and the like frequently, and how maybe them being in sync all the time in their mannerisms really helps him with his autopilot moments, and Hikaru is always ready and able to catch him up to speed on what's happening and what they just did, if its something he would care to know that is. And I hc Hikaru as bipolar, his depression just manifests really angerly instead of traditional sadness. But my point is I love the idea that they're just so used to the other that any mentally ill or neurodivergent behavior one of them does the others just like “Oh yeah Kaorus just like that. You know how it is. What do you mean you don't know anyone afraid of hairdryers? Like legit afraid? Yeah no thats just a thing. Hmm. Well you should get over it it's his fear not yours I dont see how it concerns you.” and like gets defensive if anyone tries to say it's weird lmao

Okay that was long oops I hope this wasn't out of place or weird or anything, I got excited talking about it haha. Hope all is going well!!

THIS IS SO FUCKING SWEET YES!!! I WAS DRAWING HIKAKAO RIGHT AS YOU SENT THIS ASK TOO BTW.... i was htinking like, should i post this... theres kissing..... but then i remember why it's so rewarding to do what I love <3 really and truly. I've met SO many incredibly kind, creative, and thoughtful people through hikakao it's insane. And tbh it makes me want to never stop posting about them even if it nets me hate every now and again LMAO it's just, stuff like this is irreplaceable to me. And I LOVE your art!!!!!! It's SO cute... the picture of Kaoru dressed as cinderella made me legit scream. I sent it to all my friends and showed it to my brother haha. The whole Kaoru/Cinderella headcanon is very personal to me as you can probably gather from my carriage posting. so whenever I see it I go nuts (in a good way. it not destructive).

I think it's very funny (in a good way) that you already had a special interest in princesses, esp Cinderella. For me, it's like...I can NOT look at anything Cinderella related normally anymore because I'm reminded of the carriage allegory, and yet we have Cinderella movie nights every thursday now because of me...I describe my relationship with Cinderella as "stockholm syndrome" because i legit didn't care about or really even know Cinderella before all this went down, but now she is my Worst Enemy but Best Friend and if anybody says Cinderella is mid I'm blowing up another hostage.

Also!!! Thank you so much about the fic!!! While looking back I feel like there are def things I could improve on, I do really like that fic. As somebody who's personally arospec, I have trouble writing the "feelings" of romance so I tried my best. I have other Hikakao adjacent stories I'm writing and I wanna post them here!!!

Okay, onto the questions...firstly, YES, Tamaki DOES seem like the type to love Belle. He may also enjoy Rapunzel and her whole being held captive her whole life because maybe he feels the same way with his own family situation. Haruhi strikes me as a little mermaid type, no real reason, I just get that vibe. Although Kyoya probably relates to the original fairytale of the little mermaid in some ways for sure. I actually HC Mori's favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast, so he's probably also really into Belle. As for Hani, I'm not sure...Giselle, maybe. He likes her whimsy.

Hikaru is interesting, because I feel like he's like Me in which he HATES Cinderella because he has to hear about it 24/7 but if ANYBODY said anything mean about cinderella he'd be like...you bitch...you take that BACK. Altho I have this headcanon that Hikaru's favorite princess is Alice from Alice in Wonderland (tho she really isn't a "princess") because he always liked that movie better. Kaoru would cry as a kid tho when Hikaru said he thought that movie was better so he pretended to like Cinderella more. But he doesn't. Merida tho...that's a very good choice, I can defff seeing Hikaru being a big Merida fan.

So, to the second question: it's very interesting! What stood out about that maid to Hikaru and Kaoru was the fact she was mean to them. being raised as rich and "better" than everyone else, all the maids HAD to be nice or they got fired pretty much, so to see a maid go against that status quo, to treat them honestly...that's why they liked her so much.

If anyone else had said "nobody will be able to tell you two apart", would it have hurt? sure. But it wouldn't be devastating, because they likely wouldn't care about that person's opinion. but they liked this maid, they looked up to her in a weird way. Having somebody you like and trust tell you something hurtful is way more harmful than if a stranger did it.

Now...would they be LESS twisted if it never happened? I doubt it. I mean, maybe they'd be LESS focused on looking identical, but they would still be rather cruel and mischievous, because that's how they were simply raised: they were raised being taught their actions have no consequences, because they're better than everyone else. Simple by being "Hitachiins", they had a pass to do all sorts of nasty shit to people because they were rich and powerful. Besides, canonically, their mom & dad were barely in their lives, and child neglect causes the children to act out to get attention, usually via things that would get them scolded. So, while they miiight not have been AS keen on matching had that maid never said what she did before leaving them forever, they would probably be just as mean and cruel.

To le third point: YES that is so good. Kaoru very much dissociates in my heart of hearts as well. He has days on end where he doesn't feel like he's in his own body, everything's sort of a blur, he can't remember things well...Hikaru's there for him in those moments at least.

I always saw Hikaru and Kaoru as ADHD/Autism solidarity. But bipolar is an interesting one, too. I could def see it.

Also the hairdryer thing FUCKING RELATABLE...I'd think Kaoru is "afraid" of hairdryers/thunder - just really fucking loud noises that are sudden and/or unceasing. They don't make him "cower" necessarily but like, he gets super jittery/irritated because he gets overwhelming anxiety from it. Hikaru as a kid probably didn't understand why his brother acted so strangely to certain sights/sounds/touches, and maybe at first teased him about it, but when it was clear these things actually DISTRESSED Kaoru he stopped and did everything he could to make him feel better. and if anybody makes fun of kaoru for it Hikaru beats the shit out of them.

This was super nice ;w; I love receiving long asks, asks about ouran and the twins especially. legit if you ever wanna talk about them u can send an ask or DM me you seem really nice!!

[evermeant]

carmy thoughts as I watch ep 2 (these will not be coherent I just don’t want to spam)

okay carmy so hot this episode ……

I forgot this was the inspector episode …. This episode absolutely famous

okay I need a shirt for the beef rn I’m gonna order one literally asap

Every moment. Of carmy and Richie banter extents my lifespan okay. Okay

sydney is soooooooo autistic I love her so dearly ….

YOU DROVE IN THIS MORNING!!!!!!!!!

I love how carmy is like. Stuck in this weird position of having this goofy little family run business that is held together by duct tape. He wants it to be a real business but he can’t move too fast and it’s just so real

c for carmy :(((

I love you fak….. I love you so much…….

something about Richie and Carmy both desperately trying to impress Mikey and do right by him. “he made everyone think they were his best friend” and. Yeah. Both of them feeling like they were Mikey’s. They have to do this.

“I graduated with a c” FAK I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU

I do really have a lot of feelings about Richie and Mikey’s relationship and how much of that we haven’t seen. Was Richie kept at arm’s length too? I dunno. I wonder if he felt like he was running things even when Mikey was around.

This is such a good Richie ep :(( the call with his daughter makes me want to sob literally every fucking time man. Just the way he softens and he’s trying so hard. He’s really trying :((

I dunno. Do you think Richie and carmy were always fighting for Mikey’s attention and after he’s gone are fighting to be the one to keep his legacy going. Idk idk idk idk!!!!!!!

whenever someone calls him carm. I want to explode. such a cute nickname. I want to call him chicken carm

The desperation in his voice when he tells his sister about how he almost burnt down the apartment. When he says it happens sometimes.

I KNOW TONS OF PEOPLE WHO CRY OUT OF NOWHERE IM FJFNFKFNGKG

carmy just admitting to all these extreme issues very casually over the phone to his sister is just so him… also why was he throwing up all the time someone please get this man in therapy

carmy willing to give up everything he has including his own personal health just to give people something. to make people happy. he will do anything for love and adoration

the fact that Richie sees the note. Throws it down. The feeling of rejection knowing that Mikey was thinking about carmy instead of him even though richie was the one that stayed. It’s fine!!! I’m fine!!!!!

carmy’s obsessive need to be perfect being what leads to the mistake. whatever!!!!! it’s fine!!!!!! I’m fine truly

did I mention he looks so good