#in august i started going to a local youth group finally

[jayswing101]

.

[study-with-aura]

August 17, 2022

*scheduled post*

I most likely won't have time to post Wednesday because of my schedule, so I thought I would write a list of tips that I have learned during my time being homeschooled from 1st to now 8th grade. Not only have these things helped with keeping a positive outlook when the day or week gets difficult, but they have allowed me to be successful thus far in my schooling and in all of my extracurricular activities.

My Guide for Homeschooling Successfully:

Set a routine. Routines help to plan out the day and make sure that things that need to get done can get done. But be flexible. The routine doesn't have to be set in stone. Plan out when schooling will take place and schedule other activities around it.

Get dressed. One thing my mom instilled in my brother and me when we began homeschooling was that we could not attend school in our pajamas unless we were having a special pajama day. Because we school on certain holidays that public schools are out, we usually use those as pajama days. Getting dressed and ready for the day helps with putting me in a positive mindset and can be great for mental health!

Get involved. There's a crazy myth about homeschoolers that we're secluded away from the rest of the world because we don't attend a regular school. I can say that this myth is nearly 100% false. There are homeschool clubs in many areas. Our library even offers STEAM classes once a week for homeschoolers and a nearby nature center also has special classes geared specifically for homeschooled students. There are sports clubs one can get involved in at a local recreation center like the YMCA or maybe dance classes like I'm in. There are even scouting troops or church youth group gatherings. Socializing is important for all humans as we have a need for connection, and there are many ways to stay connected and build useful skills like leadership, teamwork, and cooperation.

Take on a hobby. Hobbies are great for anyone to have, and they can also help with learning. Who says learning has to be boring? One of my hobbies is video gaming. I've watched my brother play his video games since I was young, and I recently in the past couple of years started video gaming with him as well. While you might think, "what can one learn from a video game?", in truth, there's a lot that can be gained. For one, it helps with determination and perseverance. If I can't defeat a boss, I don't give up. I find out what I need to do by fighting it over and over again until I finally defeat it. I also learn strategy. Some games I play require logic and strategizing in order to succeed. This can help with thinking creatively. I recently started playing an MMORPG with my brother, and I joined his guild. The guild runs dungeons together and this requires group coordination and effort and the ability to work together respectfully as a team.

Set up a dedicated workspace. It's important to have a dedicated workspace for schooling. My brother and I have a study room that we solely use for our schoolwork. Some of our friends have spaces set up in their main living room or outside the kitchen. This dedicated workspace can help the brain know that it's time to focus. It's similar to how people say not to have the television or computer in the bedroom. The bedroom is meant for sleeping, and we want our brains to recognize that it's time for bed, not entertainment. Having a dedicated workspace also means that all the supplies should be located within reach instead of having to move around a lot to get anything that's needed. My brother and I each have our own desk on opposite sides of the room. My desk has my gel pens, highlighters, pencils, my binder that I put all my schoolwork in, coloring utensils like crayons and markers plus other art supplies in one of the drawers, scissors, glue sticks, and extra notebooks and composition books. We also have a central printer in the room which is great because I prefer to print off my work as I go instead of all at once.

Ask for help. My brother and I teach ourselves by following a curriculum, but sometimes I may not understand a concept no matter how many times I look over the examples or watch videos. Because my brother is four years older than me, he's a great resource to help explain things in a way that may make it easier for me to understand. But my parents always help too. If I have questions about a writing assignment or a presentation I have to put together, they're always there to reassure me and help walk me through the parts I can't figure out on my own. There's nothing wrong with reaching out for assistance when necessary, but I always try to solve the problem on my own first and never wait until the last minute. The moment I realize that something isn't working no matter what I try, I ask for help.

Take charge of your own education. The great thing about homeschooling is that even though I'm following a set curriculum, I have the option of diving into topics more deeply because I set my own pace with my learning. Right now, I'm reading an optional book for Modern History because I was curious to learn more about George Washington Carver's life after reading a short biography. The other great part about homeschooling is schooling in the field! Yes, that means field trips! We schedule trips to the local art and science museums as well as going to the local parks to immerse in nature. This allows me to apply what I'm learning to real life scenarios or to study certain topics through primary sources.

Take breaks. During the time I do my school work, I typically take about three to four breaks. My brother and I take an hour or so break to fix and eat lunch, and I like to also take a break after finishing any difficult lesson. Usually about halfway through my schoolwork, I will take a walking break. I like to go outside and walk for about 10 minutes before coming back in and finishing up my core schoolwork for the day. After I complete my main schoolwork, I'll take another short break before I start any of my supplemental learning such as Khan Academy, Duolingo, or my extra daily reading. Breaks allow for information that I learned during the previous study session to have time to process. I find that if I jump from one subject to the next without giving my brain time to process any new information, I can't recall it as well when it comes up again. This is another reason I like to meditate when I finish my main schoolwork. It allows my mind time to actively rest and re-center before going into my supplemental study sessions.

Set goals. Goalsetting is very important! I like to set goals by quarter, which for me is about 45 days of schooling. While I like to set overarching goals, it's also good to set a goal for each course. On top of academic goals, I have personal goals that my planner refers to as character/spiritual goals, and other goals that don't fit cleanly into either section. Character/spiritual goals can be things like meditating, taking on a leadership position in a group that one's involved in, or volunteering for so many hours a quarter or semester. For other goals, I put financial literacy goals, such as creating my first budget. This complements my computer course since I'm learning Excel this year. I also put goals about video gaming on there, so I spend less time on my video games of the weekend and more time with my family or taking on a new hobby. Make sure that the goals being set are SMART goals. This means that they are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based.

Have fun! I think it can be easy to get overwhelmed at times, but remember that homeschooling is whatever one makes it out to be. There's no one right way to homeschool. Find what works best and go for it.

Have a great year!

[santonosoy]

❝ CIERRO LOS OJOS Y EL ALMA PARA NO SER VULNERABLE ❞

huh, who’s ALEJANDRO SPEITZER? no, you’re mistaken, that’s actually SANTOS DEJESÚS. he is a TWENTY TWO year old HALFBLOOD wizard who is a BARTENDER / WADA STUDENT. he is a GRYFFINDOR alum and the child of OSCAR DANE AND MARISOL DEJESÚS. he is known for being CHOLERIC, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE, RESENTFUL, FOOLHARDY, and RECALCITRANT but also ARTISTIC, HARD WORKING, ALLURING, DAUNTLESS, and CLEVER, so that must be why he always reminds me of the song VULNERABLE BY JUANES and PAINT STAINED DENIM AND FRAYING BRUSHES, BEAT UP CONVERSE SNEAKERS, REHEARSAL SCHEDULES AND UNFINISHED SONGS CRAMMED INTO SKETCHBOOKS, BRUISED KNUCKLES AND BUSTED LIPS HIDDEN BY STAGE MAKEUP, ASH TRAY OVERFLOWING WITH CIGARETTE BUTTS, BAR COASTERS AND EMPTY BEER BOTTLES SCATTERED ON THE FLOOR, SCOWLS AND TOUGH TALK ALL TO HIDE YOUR BROKEN HEART, UNWRITTEN LETTERS ADDRESSED HOME WEIGHING HEAVY ON YOUR MIND, WANTING DESPERATELY TO BELONG SOMEWHERE / TO SOMEONE, BLOODY NOSES AND SKINNED KNEES PEAKING OUT THROUGH RIPPED JEANS. i hear he is aligned with THE DEATH EATERS, so be sure to keep an eye on him.

GENERAL

FULL NAME: Lorenzo Santos Dane DeJesús NICKNAME(S): He goes exclusively by Santos (second given name, not a middle name) AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: 22, 08/09/2007 OCCUPATION: Bartender (alternating nights at the Armati’s London Hotel and Leaky Cauldron), WADA student GENDER: Cis Man PRONOUNS: He/Him/His HOMETOWN: Ciudad de México, México CURRENT RESIDENCE: London, England ALMA MATTER: Hogwarts, Gryffindor BLOOD STATUS: Halfblood

BIOGRAPHY

DEATH TW. CHILD NEGLECT TW. DEPRESSION TW. ABANDONMENT TW. idk please be aware that this sad boy has some messed up dynamics in his life which are detailed. if i miss anything, please just send me a message and i’ll try to tag accordingly.

London was supposed to be just a quick stop. A single blip on a map of a poorly planned European tour during a break from university. Marisol did not have intentions to be there for more than two evenings, but sometimes plans changed. A staunch believer in destiny having a heavy hand in things, she supposed it was necessary to end up in London for a full week. If she’d had it her way, the detour would have been longer, but no matter its length it has resulted in perhaps the only precious thing she’d ever have in her short and tragic life. 

Santos doesn’t know a lot of details of that week in England. Unfortunately the woman who lived it wasn’t around to give him much, and his abuelita was even less forth giving with details. He would have asked Oscar when given a moment with him, but it hadn’t taken long for him to harden himself to the man that, in simplistic terms, was his father. The only thing he knows are from scattered notes in a journal. Marisol DeJesús and a group of fellow graduates from El Internado Mágico en CDMX had saved up every last penny to go backpacking across Europe. It was supposed to be a couple weeks visiting various countries, exploring diverse cities, and meeting up with pen pals from international magical schools. None of them had connections to London, or the English academy in the Scottish Highlands, but they figured it would be a good starting point before they headed eastward. A rest stop. Not even all the girls had gone to the pub that night, most complaining of exhaustion from the trip. But Marisol wanted a fun night. A few drinks in and she ended up in the arms of a stranger. Oscar. Her journal didn’t detail much more about him, aside from a otherworldly charm and his first name. A week long tumultuous romance and then she was meeting her disgruntled friends in Spain, unaware of the repercussions of her little sabbatical. It wouldn’t be until she was home in México a couple weeks later that she would get any idea of the mistake that was made. 

Among the trinkets and colorful souvenirs from her European getaway, Marisol had not expected one to end up being a child. 

Lorenzo Santos Dane DeJesús was born on an excruciatingly hot early August day. His muggle grandmother, Milagros, would never forget the moment she heard the first shrill of a baby’s cry. It signaled more than just the birth of her first grandchild. Like the cursed wail of a banshee, Santos’s first cries heralded a grim tragedy. As he swallowed his first breath of life, Marisol exhaled her final. It’s something she would always hold against him. It hadn’t mattered that it wasn’t his fault; Marisol was always a bit weak and frail, and complications had arisen throughout her pregnancy that meant a choice: either him or her. It was no question for her; the most important impact she could leave behind would be a son that she hoped could become something great and do something good for the world. She’d lived life, she couldn’t stop him from living his own. Milagros wouldn’t agree, and she would hold her pain and turmoil agains the boy for the few years she would house him. 

Milagros didn’t like brujerias. When she’d met Lorenzo DeJesús Álvarez, she was none the wiser to the magic that coursed in his blood. He was just a charismatic young man from Sinaloa who would sweep her off her feet over the course of three weeks. It appeared to be an ailment that passed down from DeJesús woman to DeJesús woman -- The ability to be so easily swooned by deceitful men. Lorenzo would not reveal his magical parentage until they had three children -- a toddler Marisol and her infant brothers -- and one began to display abilities inherited from his line. Instantly growing cold to her cursed spawns, she would only love them out of a necessity and crave the day they would be taken away from her and into the secret magical world which Lorenzo eventually abandoned the family for. She hadn’t planned on falling in love with Marisol and her quick wits and charm, but despite herself she loved her impish children, even with their maleficio. She hated the boarding schools which took them away from her for the majority of their youth, and she would come to hate the other parts of it that would take them away permanently. Like dueling accidents that ended her youngest son’s life, or the wholly magical family that her other son would marry into that just couldn’t accept he grew up without a magical parent. But more than anything, she could not accept the wailing magical infant she had been left with in the wake of Marisol’s untimely death. 

For six years Santos was looked after by Milagros, in the most simplistic of terms. She clothed him and she fed him, but she had not loved him, and she made her disapproval of him apparent. Growing up craving affection that was withheld from him, he was prone to bouts of depression and wildly aggressive tantrums. As his emotions grew more unstable, so did the magic he possessed. Catastrophic damage caused by a single wail, or even bodily harm resulting in the stomping of a foot, and Milagros was reaching her wit’s end. She could not love the creature that stole away her daughter’s life, and she could no longer tolerate the danger it posed. At six years old Santos was becoming a ticking bomb and there was only one way to solve the issue. Send him away, to the father who was unaware of him and his destructive existence. 

Going off the limited information that Marisol’s friends and her letters home from that fateful holiday had given her, Milagros used the last bit of funds she had saved to send the heathen across the Atlantic to the city that sealed his mother’s fate, and into the hands of the Ministry. It wasn’t long before the Oscar from the journals was located and brought in to take the boy. The memory of their first meeting is hazy, but Santos remembers scattered fragments. He remembers the atrium of the ministry, the dark stone of the floor. He remembers the tall man who he hoped resembled him but was a complete stranger. He remembers hugging his leg, seeking some kind of comfort, but he doesn’t remember receiving anything back. Soon enough he was being taken to a place that was supposed to be “home” but he would come to think of it as anything but. A home no, but a prison maybe. 

The transition was hard. Santos hated London -- the gray skies, the rain and fog. He missed the warmth of Mexico, running in the street with the local boys. He even missed the cold stare of Milagros. Sure she wasn’t that maternal towards him, but she had at least taken care of him like families do. The family he’d meet in London wasn’t much of a family at all. He had a handful of older half-siblings but none of them seemed to care much about his existence. Or maybe that’s what he thought. They would converse with him just fine, but then they would land on English and he would feel completely out of sorts. The most exciting moment was in realizing that one of his elder brothers was some sort of child star -- a talented musician brimming with charisma. He wanted to cleave into Manny, to be accepted by his far more interesting older brother. It was one thing he always wished he had; a sibling who could serve as a confidant, friend and role model. His hopes were quickly dashed. Where Milagros looked down on Santos for being half magical, his family in London had looked down on him for being half something else. Non magical. Muggle. Sangre sucia. He wasn’t a muggleborn but he might as well have been. His magical relatives in México had abandoned him before he was even born, and he was raised in a household that abhorred that part of him. What he had hoped would be a change of pace, a chance to be part of an actual family filled with love and adoration for each other, was quickly torn down. He wasn’t one of them, and no matter how hard he tried he could never be one of them. And the dream older brother he hoped Manny would be would remain just that, a fleeting dream. 

To add to his family woes, Santos had another giant hurdle to pass: He didn’t speak English. For a while he thought that maybe if he hadn’t attempted to learn any of the language then he would be sent back to México. If not back to Milagros, then maybe he could end up in some orphanage up until El Internado accepted him. He would have rather just been on his own, but things didn’t go as planned. The longer he was there, the more apparent it would be that London was his new home and if he wanted to find a place to fit in then he needed to make some changes. So he adapted. He learned the language, though not fast enough to attend Hogwarts at age eleven. He didn’t want to -- he still held onto some silly hope he could go anywhere but Hogwarts School, where Manny was a star and he would be the bastard half-brother coasting in his opaque shadow. Despite his protestations, he did end up at Hogwarts when he was twelve years old, a year behind. Refusing to take on his father’s name, Santos DeJesús ended up in Gryffindor and thought for a moment he would be able to get by without anyone knowing he was Manny Luna’s little brother. Of course that wouldn’t be. 

The wizarding world of London was small, smaller than those few blocks in Ciudad de México he had called home. People talked, word spread, and soon enough he was being compared to the media darling that came before him. Only Santos was nothing like Manny. He was ill-tempered, melancholic, easily pushed, and aggressive. By third year he’d gained a reputation for causing fights. There was hardly a skirmish that he wasn’t the center of. And he’d never smiled, a permanent scowl etched over his face. He wore bruises and scrapes like badges of honor. He fell behind in school work, trailing behind his peers academically. He didn’t care. He thought the more of a fuss he could make, the better. Maybe it was a cry for help, he doesn’t know. That’s how some professors saw it. In a desperate attempt to help keep the wild Gryffindor under control, they tried to push him in directions that would allow him to use his rage in a healthy way. He was a natural choice for Quidditch Beater, but he caused far more issues on the pitch than anything and sooner or later the team opted to drop him -- for everyone’s safety. Dueling club seemed a smart choice, but then nobody wanted to face the erratic boy even in practice duels. Sure he fumbled with his wand, but he was an ace with his fists. 

He was becoming more and more of a hopeless case, until one professor saw a better solution. Clearly the boy was crying out for attention -- maybe he needed a platform where he could be seen and heard. Drama seemed an odd choice, but something about it eventually clicked with Santos. A soliloquy from Hamlet was enough to capture the youth’s frantic mind. He had a weird knack for it, for reciting and acting. And he was a ball of emotions and rage that he didn’t know how to portray, but when monologues came to him with even an ounce of the turmoil rolling within him, he’d felt free and seen. When he’d been told about WADA, about the opportunities he could find studying there, he’d had a full one eighty. He studied hard, he pushed himself to do better in class, and soon enough he was graduating Hogwarts with the marks to gain entry to WADA and start working towards a future in theater. Much like his brother, he had a bit of musical talent but he wanted to be a revered thespian. He wanted to be something different than Manny. He wanted to be something better than Manny. 

Free from the stuffy dorms of Hogwarts, Santos decided to break away from the Danes as well. He left the second he could, took up a job busting tables at the Leaky Cauldron and was even given a room there since he’d had nowhere else to go and couldn’t yet afford anything on his own. He remains there, living in a single room with a bed, a dresser, and a beat up guitar he bought at a muggle pawn shop. The only piece of furniture he takes care of is an easel he keeps in a corner, a new unfinished landscape painting adorning it every week, the previous one piled up in a corner forgotten. He spends his days at WADA, studying and practicing and auditioning for every lead role he thinks he’s suitable for. His nights he alternates between bar tending at the Leaky Cauldron, another bar gig at a new swanky magical hotel, and courting someone new. Ever desperate for some kind of attention and affection, Santos seeks it in beautiful strangers he can charm into his bed. He’s noncommittal, but not because commitment scares him exactly. He realizes it’s easier to sleep around than find someone willing to stay. He’s still aggressive, prone to outbursts, and he feels so damaged and abandoned that he doubts anyone could love a reckless mess like him. Not for more than one night, anyway. It’s easy to pick up people when you’re a handsome bartender with a dark charm to you, and he wears the reputation proudly. 

It’s somewhat of a surprise that he had chosen to join the ranks of the Death Eaters. His pureblood relatives had looked down on him for being “less than them” of course. Why would he want to join a cause which exalted them and abhorred the part of him that wasn’t “magical enough”? In truth, it has nothing to do with what the Death Eaters stand for. Santos is so desperate to have a place to fit in, to be loved by his family -- by someone -- he was willing to support a cause that he doesn’t believe in. He’s more impressionable or easily manipulated than he wants to believe, and it was easy for him to be seduced by the power that being a Death Eater promised. As time as gone by, it does feel like the better choice. They’re the winning side right now, and he figures if he continues to help them succeed then it’s more than guaranteed he will be appreciated for his hard work. But as time goes by, and the murders pile up and the crimes go unpunished, Santos can feel a small part of him wanting out. He knows it isn’t the right path, but he’s not brave enough to walk away from it. Not when he’s already in their ranks, when he figures it will get harder and harder to turn away. For now he continues to do his part for the Death Eaters, carefully tiptoeing the line between loyalist and betrayer. If the opportunity presents itself, he hopes he’ll go running the other way, but he doubts he’s not sure if he’ll be able to walk away. 

TL;DR - santos is the halfblood son of oscar dane / manny’s half-brother who grew up in a muggle household in mexico with a muggle grandmother who hated him so much she eventually sent him away because she couldn’t handle his violent outbursts of magic or the fact he was the one that caused DEATH TW her daugther’s death END OF TW. he’s always struggled to find a place or a family to belong to and this is a chip on his shoulder he carries through his adulthood. a former gryffindor who just caused a lot of issues until he was introduced to theater. he know works as a bartender while attending WADA with dreams to become a renown thespian. Is in the DE but mostly because he just wants to belong somewhere and was convinced into believing that was the right path to go (more on that below in the wanted connections section!). desperate for some attention and affection, whether it is genuine or not. Is literally a big ol’ heaux due to it. will flirt with anyone out of some hope they’ll give him some temporary attention in return. Idk he’s just a sad complicated aggressive boy ahfeapfhe OH is an artist. paints and draws and all that jam. is also a bit musical, but doesn’t flaunt it bc he’s already got a musical relative he doesn’t wanna be compared to. is maybe a bit of a self insert in that respect ahfieahfpea don’t @ me. 

MISC

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Biromantic LANGUAGES: Spanish (primary), English (fluent) FAMILY: Oscar Dane (father), Marisol DeJesús (mother), Manny Luna (half-brother) PETS: None FACE CLAIM: Alejandro Speitzer ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Leo MBTI: TBD PINTEREST: ( x ) HOGWARTS YEARS: 2019-2025 (started a year late due to not being confidently fluent in english by eleven) 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

ONE NIGHT STANDS / PAST HOOKUPS - as detailed above, santos is just kind of lacking in the affection department and so he seeks it wherever he can. since he’s like a hottie or whatever, he knows he can easily get physical stuff and he kinda just... exploits that because he just wants some gd attention ok. since his final few years at hogwarts up to now he was definitely a massive manwhore so have at it. this is not a limited connection so hmu however many times you want lol STATUS: always open

UNCLE IROH TO HIS PRINCE ZUKO - ok so maybe my hopes is to pull off some prince zuko level redemption arc for this boy. it’s a tough climb, but one thing that every good prince zuko redemption arc needs is an uncle iroh. this is someone who believes in santos, genuinely cares about him, and wants to guide him to a path that would bring him peace and help him make healthy decisions. it doesn’t exactly have to mean joining the order, but it certainly means walking away from the DE and the toxic family dynamics he’s involved in. someone who can see that he is a good person beneath it all and who just wants to help him out of a sticky and bad situation. can be a peer or an older character, doesn’t need to be related to him. (could be combined with professor connection below) STATUS: taken by neville longbottom

PROFESSOR WHO HELPED HIM FIND HIS WAY - this is obviously limited to hogwarts professors / people who were hogwarts professors during the years listed above. this is the professor who saw santos’s destructive behavior and tried to work with him to channel it in a healthy way. they were the person who eventually introduced him to shakespeare (who i am convinced is a wix ok) and theater. they may have supported him becoming a better student so he could get into WADA and perhaps are still someone that supports his growth. perhaps the first person in their corner. (can be combined with the uncle iron connection above). STATUS: taken by neville longbottom

THE BAD INFLUENCE - MANIPULATION TW / TOXIC DYNAMIC TW (just to be on the safer side; this is a toxic connection for sure) in contrast to the previous connections, this is the person who has helped lead santos down the wrong path. they should be DE affiliated, and they should be someone who sees that part of santos that begs for attention and is desperate to belong somewhere and would have manipulated that very fragile part of him in order to get him to join the rankings of DE. he’s not a pureblood, and therefore perhaps not the most ideal person to be in the ranks, but they see the potential he has for exploitation. he could be a dispensable soldier for them, someone they genuinely don’t give a shit about but they can use him. this can be a peer or older DE member, and they can be family. END OF TW.  STATUS: open

FOUND FAMILY - i guess this would be something we work up towards, but this boy is kind of desperate for people who genuinely care about him and needs a healthy family dynamic. so if you wanna be part of the found family that can take him in, awesome :^) STATUS: open, may become limited

as always, feel free to message me if you have any inspiration for wanted connections ^^

[bug13underscore]

Transmasc Luke with nipple piercings you say? Tell me more 👀

what more would you like to know Anon? if there’s anything specific let me know!! 👀👀👀

just some of the ideas about the AU i guess (it started as being about trans Luke but then i got heavily distracted by other trains of thought so....enjoy!!! there’s a ton more under the cut)

any of the top-surgery stuff is from my vague memories of late night google searching and what I can recall from one of my IRL friends surgery, if any of this is wrong totally let me know!! i have not gone through top surgery myself, nor have i gotten nipple piercings lol

• Luke’s parents paid for him to get top surgery done, and it happened on his 17th birthday. Since they’re in about May-ish time, it’s about 3 months away from his 18th birthday and one year anniversary of this

• Despite having a piercing and tattoos of my own Im not totally sure that Reggie would’ve legally been able to sign for Luke to get the piercings but were just gonna pretend lol

• Luke playing as the bad-boy type for all of their high school increased because of the fact that everyone assumed he was a new kid, which he was more than fine with. Freshman-Reggie was definitely enamored with Freshman-Luke’s baby muscles in PE (then was very sad when he didn’t get Luke in his Sophmore gym)

• Luke’s nipple piercings are totally the ones with the little rainbow striped balls on the ends. This was 100% fueled by Reggie pointing out that Alex would be pissed upon finding out and Luke going “How can he be pissed if I’m hot and it’s gayer?”

• Luke and Carrie were definitely not friends in middle school, but after her fight on her first day he made his way into detention and slipped her an icepack for her fist. This led to them becoming a bad-kid duo (Alongside Bobby of course, Carrie didn’t just get this shit from nowhere.)

• Luke totally had one of those baby crushes on Bobby, although it was moreso wanting to be friends with him than anything romantic in this AU.

• After spending that detention with Carrie, Luke was totally dragged to the Wilson house and got to watch as Bobby dyed Carrie’s hair pink ~officially~ and when Bobby asked if Luke wanted a stripe of pink in his hair he agreed. (Although he was terrified at first though, ‘cause pink is for girls’ until Bobby was like “Nah man, pink is punk.”) (Yes I’m quoting Sacha’s instagram post, the kids totally right)

• After he got top surgery he totally anonymously donates his old binders to the local LGBT+ youth center. Not a soul knows about this, he can’t let people know he’s *good*

• Immediately after top surgery and being able to take the compression vest off he wears nothing but muscle tanks for the next 5 months, unless he can find a reason to be shirtless. This is especially tragic because his birthday is in August and so he’s only finally forced into real clothes in December after the 6th time he’s gotten sick.

• Luke and Carrie were totally joined by the other four earlier on in their senior year. Luke’s definitely not a “talk about my feelings” type of guy, so Carrie definitely has to push him to actually tell Alex and Reggie about him being trans “because you’re all so obviously, disgustingly in love that nothing you could do or say could ever change that, Luke.” Cut to him writing “My Name is Luke” in this AU rather than having a conversation and telling them. (Alex just hugs him and thanks him for telling them, for trusting them. Reggie’s just like “I thought we already knew this.” They call him a dork and drag him into the hug. If they happen to cry, nobody but the three of them knows about it.)

• Willie was extremely helpful as well. Willie is also totally trans masc in this AU, he/they Willie is the best shit. Willie is a lot more open about being trans than Luke is (Luke has since became more open) Reggie jokes that Willie is Luke’s “trans Obi-Wan”

• Part of me wants to say Luke picked his name because of Star Wars because I’m a geek but honestly he’d probably have picked the name because it was his grandfather’s name or something. He does let Reggie think he picked it because of Star Wars though

• Julie makes them all a bunch of friendship bracelets and when she gives him one with the trans flag colors he totally cries and is not at all subtle about it.

• Him and Julie are youngest-in-their-polycule groups and when the other tease them for being babies they jokingly threaten they’re gonna break up with them for each other.

[hogtown-socialist-alternative]

How Socialists Defeated Amazon’s Bid to Buy Seattle’s Elections

By Ty Moore -November 9, 2019

Jeff Bezos’s bid to buy Seattle City Council has backfired. Despite big business dropping unprecedented cash behind Amazon-backed candidates in all seven council races, Seattle voters rejected this attempt to flip the council to the right in all but two of the seven council races. In Seattle’s most-watched, most expensive, and most polarized council in decades, Socialist Alternative’s Kshama Sawant appears to have won a narrow victory.

(Watch the victory press conference here. )

After election night returns showed Sawant behind by 8 points, with 46% to Egan Orion’s 54%, the corporate media and big business sounded triumphalist. But 60% of late arriving ballots counted in the following days swung toward Kshama. By Friday evening’s count Sawant had crested 3.6% past Orion with a lead of 1,515 votes, with that number likely to rise a bit further in the days ahead.

Washington State’s mail-in ballot system allows voters to mail in their ballots up to three weeks before election day. Early voters tend to be older and wealthier, with later voters being disproportionately younger, working class, and renters – those more likely to vote socialist. This year the late ballot bump for Sawant was bigger than ever, a reflection of the huge 58% turnout in District 3. Even our critics in the local media were forced to credit Socialist Alternative’s record-breaking get-out-the-vote operation.

The high turnout also reflected the wave of outrage that swept Seattle in the final three weeks of the election following Amazon’s $1 million “money bomb” dropped on Seattle on October 14. This brought Amazon’s total contribution to the Seattle Chamber of Commerce PAC to $1.5 million, and corporate PAC spending as a whole to over $4.1 million – approaching five times the previous record!

National political figures weighed in against Amazon, followed by a wave of national media attention. The Wall Street Journal’s Editorial Board complained that “Bernie Sanders tweeted this week that Amazon’s spending in Seattle was ‘a perfect example of the out-of-control corporate greed we are going to end.’ Elizabeth Warren decried Amazon for ‘trying to tilt the Seattle City Council elections in their favor,’ adding that ‘I have a plan to get big money out of politics.’”

A Referendum on Corporate Power

Warning that Bezos’s $1.5 million gamble to defeat Sawant and other progressives may have backfired, Seattle Times columnist Danny Westneat said: “The election was playing out as a referendum on the performance of the City Council.” An Elway/Crosscut poll showed 67% of likely voters supporting “someone who wants to change” the Council’s direction. Westneat continued: “Now [the election] could well be a referendum on Amazon and corporate power” (10/23/19).

Of course, the Seattle Times is at the forefront of a relentless corporate propaganda offensive to blame Sawant and other so-called “left ideologues” for the failed “performance of the City Council” in addressing Seattle’s homelessness and affordability crisis, the top concern for voters. The paper endorsed Amazon-backed candidates in all seven council races, portraying them as “change” candidates.

In reality, Seattle’s housing crisis is part of the global failure of capitalism, which treats housing as a commodity to enrich billionaire speculators, rather than as a basic human right. Working people are right to be angry at the inaction of city, state, and federal authorities to address the crisis. But blame for this falls squarely on a political establishment that is complicit with corporate power, not on activists and political leaders like Kshama Sawant calling for universal rent control and taxing big business to massively expand quality public housing.

Amazon executives’ chosen opponent for Kshama was Egan Orion, a fully corporate candidate who posed as a “progressive” to win votes. Orion put posters up all over town saying he accepted no corporate PAC money despite the fact that he applied for corporate PAC money, interviewed with the PAC, and thanked them when he got their endorsement. He sent out mailers with lies about Kshama to every household.

Orion’s supporters tore down over 1,000 Kshama Sawant yard signs throughout the district, and in the final two weeks, they vandalized over 200 signs with spray-painted profanities. Crucial to overcoming the lies and attacks against our campaign was building widespread public awareness about this attempt to buy the election through thousands of conversations on the doors and at street corners by our members and volunteers.

Debate on Seattle’s Left

Once again, Seattle has shown that socialists and working people can take on the most powerful corporate titans and win. This victory should give confidence to movements everywhere, from the recent wave of mass anti-austerity and democracy protests spreading across the globe, to the youth climate strikes, labor battles, as well as other socialist election campaigns including Bernie Sanders’ inspiring fight for the presidency.

Yet it would be a major mistake to imagine that similar victories can be won through struggle and determination alone. The role of Marxist perspectives, program, and organization was essential in Seattle and will be vital to defeating the concentrated power of the capitalist class everywhere.

At the start of the election campaign, a de-facto alliance between big business, key labor leaders, and most liberal political figures had coalesced to try and defeat Sawant and block the election of Democratic Socialists of America candidate Shaun Scott in District 4. This anti-Sawant alliance came to life in the aftermath of the “Tax Amazon” campaign in 2018, which went down in defeat following aggressive bullying by Amazon, including threats to move jobs out of Seattle.

The broad coalition built around the Tax Amazon campaign, in which Sawant’s office and Socialist Alternative played a central role, initially won unanimous passage of the tax on the top 3% of Seattle corporations to pay for affordable housing and homeless services. However, facing intense pressure from big business and a well-funded repeal campaign, this coalition was shattered and city council repealed the tax in a 7-2 vote just one month later.

From left-liberal and pro-business voices alike, blame for the defeat was put on the “divisive” approach of Sawant and Socialist Alternative. Despite support from a number of unions, leaders of the Ironworkers and other trades angrily denounced the campaign as a “tax on jobs,” fearful that Amazon would follow through on their threats to cut back new construction in retaliation.

In the August 6 primary, with no endorsements from her fellow city councilmembers or other prominent Democratic Party politicians, with labor publicly divided, Sawant received just 37% in the primary election. “No incumbent in recent memory has survived a primary showing that low,” wrote Westneat in the Seattle Times (8/7/19). “[T]he days on the council for the crusader for rent control and taxes on big business could be numbered.”

The Fight for Unity Against Amazon

If Sawant and Socialist Alternative had adopted the approach of most liberal and labor leaders to try and avoid a direct confrontation with Amazon, it’s likely Jeff Bezos’ bullying strategy and attempt to buy the city council would have succeeded. There was nothing automatic about the widespread working-class distrust toward corporate power getting organized into a coherent fightback.

In fact, most elections across the U.S. don’t feature bold working-class challenges, given the corporate domination of the two-party system. Even in Seattle, where the local Democratic Party organizations have shifted leftward under the impact of Sanders and other left challengers, this hasn’t resulted in strong working class fighters running for city council in most races.

Socialist Alternative based our electoral strategy on confidence that, if offered a fighting lead, working class and young people in Seattle were capable of defeating Amazon and big business. Crucial to this strategy was the potential for working-class pressure from below to push progressive and labor leaders off the sidelines and into a united fight with us against Seattle’s corporate establishment. Socialist Alternative members provided the Marxist backbone of this strategy. Their energy, self-sacrifice, and political skills successfully built  perhaps the most powerful grassroots election campaign in Seattle history.  

Over 1,000 volunteers and SA members have helped us knock on over 225,000 doors and make 200,000 phone calls. 7,900 working people donated to the campaign, and with a median donation of $20 we raised $570,000, smashing all previous records for both the number of donors and total amount raised. We’ll be publishing a fuller report of this historic effort soon.

The dynamic unleashed after the primary election confirmed our strategy. Candidates backed by Amazon and big business moved on to the general election in all seven council races, facing off against more progressive candidates. With the looming threat of the Chamber of Commerce engineering a wholesale takeover of City Hall, our call for maximum unity against big business rapidly gained traction among grassroots activists, exerting pressure on bigger political players.

More endorsements for Sawant, as well as Shaun Scott, began rolling in from progressive leaders and groups who had sat on the sidelines in the primary. The scandalous effort of conservative labor leaders to win Egan Orion the Labor Council’s endorsement was defeated when over 300 union members signed an open letter in protest. By the final weeks, 21 unions had endorsed Sawant – a substantial majority of the union locals who endorsed in the District 3 race. A joint event promoting a Green New Deal for Seattle was organized with Sawant, Morales, and Scott speaking, an important display of programmatic left unity that was absent in the primary.

In a major defeat for the business-backed Democratic establishment who have long-dominated city  politics, local Democratic Party groups endorsed both Shaun Scott and Kshama Sawant in September (they had already endorsed Morales in the primary). Sawant is the first independent socialist ever endorsed by Seattle’s Democrats, and this endorsement was made despite her very public calls for left Democrats, labor, and social movements to join together to build a new party for working people. This victory, the product of an energetic grassroots effort, was linked to passing resolutions condemning corporate PAC spending  through four Democratic Party organizations.

All this laid the basis for our re-election campaign to become the central driving force behind a unified response when Amazon dropped their $1 million money bomb on October 14th. Alongside the Democratic Party groups, we organized a press conference two days later outside of Amazon headquarters, followed by rally called by Amazon workers a week later.

This broke the dam. A wave of national media coverage followed. In a high profile reversal, even Lorena Gonzalez and Teresa Mosqueda – the liberal city councilmembers who had publicly called for Sawant’s defeat in the primary – felt compelled to speak at the rally against Amazon and announce their endorsement of both Sawant and Scott. A wave of other progressive Democratic Party leaders followed suit.

The  naked attempt by Jeff Bezos to buy Seattle City council backfired, but only because it met a well-prepared united front strategy to mobilize working class anger into a unifying force, pushing even reluctant labor and liberal leaders into alliance with socialists to fight big business. The role of Socialist Alternative, with our clear analysis, strategy, and a politically self-confident membership, was absolutely vital to moving these wider forces into united action.

As the wave of socialist election campaigns across the country continues to expand, the rich lessons of how we defeated Jeff Bezos in his hometown can help serious socialist organizers develop winning strategies for working class struggle everywhere.

https://www.socialistalternative.org

[kuramirocket]

“In Lak’ech 

Tu eres mi otro yo/ You are my other me.

Si te hago daño a ti/ If I do harm to you,

Me hago daño a mi mismo/ I do harm to myself.

Si te amo y respeto/ If I love and respect you,

Me amo y respeto yo/ I love and respect myself.”

In the Tucson High Magnet School located in Arizona, high school students enrolled in Mexican American Studies (MAS) would start their day reciting this poem by Luis Valdez, signifying unity, oneness, and love. Their echoed words would fill their classrooms and celebrate their humanity with respect and empathy. But when the MAS program was banned and eliminated by Arizona lawmakers in 2010, it failed to silence students’ voices or deter their unity. Their passion and echoed chants caused an uproar across their communities in Arizona, and ultimately led to the rise of an Ethnic Studies movement nationwide.

The Mexican American Studies Program

Established in 1998, the Mexican American Studies (MAS) program was designed to motivate students and equip them with the tools to become agents of change within their communities. In a school district where Hispanic students made up the majority,  the MAS program was necessary to assist and guide students in reaching their full academic potential. Although it was not the first school to offer ethnic studies classes, Tucson Unified School District became the first to implement it at a district-wide level. 

And it worked. 

Over the next 13 years, the program flourished and more than 1,300 students had enrolled in these classrooms. The high school dropout rate for MAS students decreased significantly, at 2.5%, a notable contrast to the 56% drop out rates for Latino students, nationally, at that time. In addition, MAS students were found to academically improve, achieve high performing state tests, and enroll in college. 

“I had been in their classes for quite a while and when I was in their classes I was like ‘Woah! This is happening in public schools?’ Just to be in those classes, even the physical aspect and the feeling of coming into those rooms, the way they were decorated, the love from the teachers, the sense of belonging of the students was just like night and day from the rest of the school,”  states Anita Fernández, a scholar activist from Prescott College in Arizona and Director of XITO, the Xicanx Institute for Teaching and Organizing. 

In these classes, students learned about art, history, literature, government, and contemporary issues through the lens of the Mexican American experience in the U.S. 

They would participate in numerous activities, such as reading passages from Chicano authors, analyzing hip-hop/rap lyrics and connecting it to pop culture. They would write research papers about contemporary issues like poverty, school segregation, etc. 

“But I also had in the back of my mind, ‘they are going to come after you. There is no way this is going to fly…’” recalls Anita Fernández. 

HB2281 and SB1070

Sure enough, in 2008 the Mexican American Studies program became under scrutiny as a group of legislators began to openly attack the MAS program. Former state superintendent, Tom Horne, believed the Mexican American classes were meant to indoctrinate students and create hatred for other races by breeding ethnic solidarity. In 2010, with the new appointed Arizona Governor, HB2281 was signed and passed, banning the MAS program.

According to the bill, no school district or charter school in the state of Arizona, could include any programs or instructions containing the following:

1. Promotion of the overthrow of the United States government

2. Promotion of resentment toward a race or class of people 

3. Curricular design for pupils of a particular ethnic group

3. Ethnic solidarity advocacy instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals

If schools were not found compliant, the State of Arizona would withhold up to 10% of district funding, which would be restored once the schools were found compliant with the law. 

This bill was passed one month after the enactment of Arizona’s SB 1070; one of the strictest anti-immigrant laws in U.S. history. 

“[SB1070] was really, really scary and really dehumanizing as well for the families and the young people. Then, very shortly after, 2281 was signed into law which said, ‘your history and your culture are illegal. It is illegal to teach about that in this state…’ The law was really written to attack that specific program, even though it was state legislation,” explains Anita Fernández.

This was a dangerous time to be a person of color in Arizona. Not only were individuals racially profiled, stopped, and arrested, students were now restricted from learning certain subjects that taught them about agency, community involvement, and cultural pride. In fact, many books written by Mexican American authors were banned from the classrooms. Books like,  House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros, Bless Me Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya, Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire, and other nationally-awarded books were banned from the classrooms.

Movement and Countermovements

As a response to this bill, Tucson, Arizona became a state of resilience. Community organizing and student-led protests infiltrated Tucson, as students pushed back on the legislator’s decisions.

On April 26, 2011, nine students had chained themselves to chairs at one of the TUSD board meetings in an act of civil disobedience to protest the banning of Mexican American Studies. Holding microphones, they sat inside the TUSD boardroom and chanted,

“When Our education is under attack, what do we do?”

“Fight back!”

These students belonged to a group called United Non-Discriminatory Individuals Demanding Our Studies (UNIDOS), a grassroots, radical youth collective founded in January 2011 to defend ethnic studies, and the MAS program in particular. UNIDOS also organized walkouts through Tucson Magnet High School, hosted educational workshops, and community-wide events. 

But the protests didn’t just stop in Arizona. 

National media coverage of the protests reached California and Texas, where they started to take matters into their own hands. In Houston, Texas, a group of Chicano writers, poets, artists, and activists, including author and professor, Tony Diaz, came together and coined the term, Librotrafricantes, book smugglers. Soon after, a caravan formed and the book smugglers traveled from San Antonio to El Paso, then, Albuquerque, and finally Tucson, handing out copies of banned books to communities and local libraries. 

In Los Angeles, California, Jose Lara, a social studies teacher raised recommendations to incorporate their own Mexican American Studies classes within LA school districts, motivated by the protests in Arizona. With the help of his campaign, other districts in San Francisco, San Bernardino, San Diego, and Ventura county explored the inclusion of ethnic studies in their curriculum. Soon after, the Los Angeles school board approved the requirement and a few weeks later, the San Francisco School board ordered every school district to offer ethnic studies. 

Meanwhile, educators back in Arizona, like Anita Fernandez, took steps to defend the curriculum.

“When the program was banned, Curtis Acosta [one of the MAS teachers] said ,‘I’m not allowed to teach Chicano literature…I have to teach Chicano literature to these young people,’ recalls, Fernández. 

Sure enough, with the help of Anita, Curtis Acosta, and former MAS educators, they continued to carry out the legacy of the program through a Sunday school platform. 

“He said,  ‘I don’t know if the youth will show up,’ and 10 youth showed up to continue taking the classes. He and I partnered together and I said, ‘What if we could get Prescott College, (where I teach), to actually award college credit for the Sunday classes?’ So they did, and that was the launch of how we continued this work that is so critical and has been so successful, outside of Arizona, because it was illegal here. This is how we started to develop, XITO, in response to the banning of the program here.”

XITO, the Xicano Institute of Teaching and Organizing serves as an urban education consulting collective where they instruct teachers and school staff on how to develop an ethnic studies curriculum. The institute’s members travel the country hosting workshops and professional development training to help communities create ethnic studies programs for their specific school districts. With the use of a culturally responsive and rehumanizing pedagogy approach, XITO creates spaces for teachers and administrators to learn the tools to establish inclusive learning environments within their own classrooms.

“It is a rebuilding, a reimagining of what education spaces look like whose knowledge is centered in those spaces and legitimacy is given to RAZA, BIPOC folks by using these method.”

Currently, Anita Fernandez and other XITO members are working with the San Jose Unified School District to design their first ethnic studies curriculum while simultaneously training teachers for these courses.

Nationwide Uprising

After a seven-year long fight, Federal Judge A. Wallace Tashima, ruled that state law (HB2281)was unconstitutional and based on racial animus in August 2017.

Although the MAS program was replaced in 2013 with  a culturally-relevant curriculum, the Tucson district does not have any plan to reimplement MAS back into the curriculum. Still, the ethnic studies protests, organizing, and resilience led to the upbringing of a push for ethnic studies nationwide.

“The whole wave of ethnic studies that we are seeing right now…they were inspired by the program in Tucson. Even though the community here has been devoid of having that opportunity, what has grown in all these other places was influenced by the banning of the program here. It really highlighted the importance of ethnic studies,” affirms Fernández.

The growth of Ethnic Studies

Texas: Mission High School became one of the first public schools in the state to offer a Mexican American studies course after the Texas State Board of Education allowed schools to include ethnic-studies curriculum.

Seattle, Washington: A growing group of students and educators in the Puget Sound region spent their summer this year designing curriculum in science, math, English, history and other subjects that focus on the experiences of people of color. 

Oregon: In 2016, Governor Kate Brown signed an ethnic studies state-wide requirement legislation, making it the only state that now offers ethnic studies curriculum in K-12.

Albuquerque, New Mexico: Launched a new ethnic studies program for all 13 of its high schools in 2017 and offer courses with Hispanic-American, African-American, Native-American, and Asian-American content.

California: Governor Gavin Newsom recently signed AB540 requiring all California State Universities to offer courses in African American, Asian American, Latino/a American and Native American studies. Now, California is pushing to establish ethnic studies as a graduation requirement for all of California’s K-12 public-school students.

They tried to bury us, they didn’t know we were seeds

Although the growing movement of ethnic studies has spread like a wildfire, the fight for ethnic studies is not over. Recently, the Trump administration ordered  federal agencies to eliminate anti-racism training focused on critical race theory and white privilege, casting these ideas as un-American and encapsulating the same narrative that dismantled the MAS program.

The Mexican American Program in the Tucson School District gave the education world a small look into what could be a future education system that speaks to students of color and their experiences. But it also gave us a look into the unintended consequences and results when taking this powerful knowledge away from students, and why today, we need it more than ever.

As Cesar Chavez once said, “Once social change begins, it cannot be reversed. You cannot un-educate the person who has learned to read. You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride. You cannot oppress the people who are not afraid anymore.” 

[blackkudos]

Nipsey Hussle

Ermias Joseph Asghedom (August 15, 1985 – March 31, 2019), known professionally as Nipsey Hussle (often stylized as Nipsey Hu$$le), was an American rapper, activist, and entrepreneur. Emerging from the West Coast hip hop scene in the mid-2000s, Hussle independently released his first mixtape, Slauson Boy Volume 1, to moderate local success, which led to him being signed to Cinematic Music Group and Epic Records.

Hussle became known for his numerous mixtapes, including his Bullets Ain't Got No Name series, The Marathon, The Marathon Continues and Crenshaw, the last of which rapper Jay-Z bought 100 copies for $100 each. After much delay, his debut studio album Victory Lap was released in 2018 to critical acclaim and commercial success, and was nominated for the Best Rap Album at the 61st Grammy Awards in 2019. Two posthumous Grammy Awards for the songs "Racks in the Middle" and "Higher" was awarded to Hussle in the Best Rap Performance and Best Rap/Sung Performance categories, respectively, the next year at the 62nd Grammy Awards.

Also known for his entrepreneurship, Hussle inaugurated the Marathon Clothing store, which he founded along with partners Carless, the head of the agency, Karen Civil and his brother Samiel Asghedom in 2017, and started a co-working environment which he named "Vector 90". On March 31, 2019, Hussle was fatally shot outside his store Marathon Clothing in South Los Angeles. Eric Holder, a 29-year-old man who had confronted Hussle earlier in the day, was arrested and charged with murder on April 2, 2019.

Early life

Ermias Joseph Asghedom was born on August 15, 1985, in Crenshaw, Los Angeles, California, to Angelique Smith, an African-American woman, and Dawit Asghedom, an Eritrean immigrant. He was raised in the Crenshaw neighborhood of South Los Angeles with his brother Samuel and his sister Samantha. Asghedom attended Hamilton High School in the nearby Castle Heights neighborhood, but dropped out before graduating. At the age of 14, Asghedom left home and joined the local Rollin 60's Neighborhood Crips, a sub-group of the larger Crips gang primarily based in his home neighborhood of Crenshaw. His stage name, a play on the name of comedian Nipsey Russell, originated as a nickname given to Asghedom by a childhood friend. At the age of 19, Asghedom's father took both him and his brother Samuel on a trip to Eritrea, East Africa for three months in 2004. Asghedom credited the trip with inspiring him to become a community activist with an "entrepreneurial spirit".

Music career

2008–2010: Bullets Ain't Got No Name series

In December 2005, Hussle independently released his first mixtape, Slauson Boy Volume 1, to moderate local success. His debut project helped to build a small regional fanbase on the west coast, and eventually led to Hussle being signed to Cinematic Music Group and Epic Records. In 2008, Hussle released the first two installments in his Bullets Ain't Got No Name series of mixtapes, which helped to bring Hussle's music to a larger audience.

Nipsey's profile continued to grow into 2009, when he collaborated with Drake on the song "Killer", and also appeared, along with Snoop Dogg and Problem, on the song "Upside Down", from Snoop Dogg's 2009 album Malice n Wonderland. He also released the third instalment in Bullets Ain’t Got No Name, as well as his commercial debut single, "Hussle in the House". Despite the song, which samples Kris Kross' 1992 single Jump, being well received by critics, it failed to make any impact on the charts.

After Epic experienced financial issues in 2010, Nipsey opted not to renew his contract and left the label. Not long after going independent, Hussle appeared on the song "We Are the World 25 for Haiti", and was featured by XXL Magazine as one of its "Annual Freshman Top Ten", a selection of ten up-and-coming hip-hop artists to watch. XXL labeled him "Most Determined" of his class, and LA Weekly called him the "next big L.A. MC". Hussle was expected to release his debut album, South Central State of Mind, in October 2010. Prior to release, the album was supported by the single "Feelin' Myself" featuring Lloyd. While the production was set to be handled from J.R. Rotem, Scott Storch, Mr. Lee, Play-N-Skillz, Terrace Martin and 1500 or Nothin', the album was set to be featured with the guest appearances from Trey Songz, Jay Rock and Sean Kingston. Concurrently, he announced that he planned on releasing a mixtape with fellow rapper Jay Rock, titled Red and Blue Make Green. Following the release of a music video for "Feelin' Myself", the album was set for a December 21, 2010, release; however, both of these projects were eventually postponed indefinitely.

2010–2013: Leaving Epic Records and

The Marathon

series

After leaving Epic, Nipsey founded his own record label, All Money In. On December 21, 2010, he released his first All Money In Records mixtape, titled The Marathon, which featured guest appearances from Kokane and MGMT. On November 1, 2011, Hussle released a sequel titled The Marathon Continues, which featured L.A. rappers YG and Dom Kennedy. On April 17, 2012, Hussle released a collaborative album with fellow rapper Blanco, Raw. The album featured guest appearances from YG, Mistah FAB, Yukmouth, B-Legit, Kokane and Freeway.

In May 2012, Nipsey released a single titled Proud of That, marking his first collaboration with Florida rapper Rick Ross. Nipsey was subsequently featured on Ross' Maybach Music Group's song "Fountain of Youth", which appears on the label's second album Self Made Vol. 2. The music video was released on October 1, 2012. Rumours began to circulate that Nipsey would sign with MMG, and in December 2012, Hussle himself hinted at signing, however, he also said that he was still looking for the right label.

Hussle said that he would be releasing his third and final installment of The Marathon mixtape series with TM3: Victory Lap in 2013, after it was pushed back from its initial December 2012 release date. He also announced that he was planning on releasing a joint mixtape with a fellow West Coast rapper and frequent collaborator YG. Hussle performed at the 2013 Paid Dues festival on March 30, 2013 in California. After deciding against signing to a major label, due to a lack of creative freedom, he choose to make Victory Lap his debut album.

2013–2019: Crenshaw and Victory Lap

Beginning in 2013, he released various songs from his upcoming mixtape Crenshaw, including the 9th Wonder produced track "Face the World", and a The Futuristics and 1500 or Nothin' produced track "Blessings". On August 6, 2013, Hussle announced that Victory Lap would now be released as an album, rather than a mixtape. Prior to the release of Victory Lap, Nipsey announced on September 16, 2013, that he would be releasing a new mixtape, Crenshaw (hosted by DJ Drama), on October 8, 2013. On September 24, 2013, he revealed the track list for Crenshaw, which contained guest appearances from Rick Ross, Dom Kennedy, Slim Thug, James Fauntleroy II, Z-Ro, Skeme and Sade, among others. The production on the mixtape was handled by The Futuristics, 1500 or Nothin', 9th Wonder, Mike Free, Ralo and Jiggy Hendrix, among others. He also released the "Crenshaw" documentary that day in promotion of the mixtape. On October 3, 2013, he released another trailer for the mixtape, and attracted attention when he revealed 1,000 hard copies of the mixtape would be sold for $100 each. Jay Z personally bought 100 copies. He reportedly sold out all 1,000 copies in less than 24 hours, effectively making $100,000.

Upon the release of Crenshaw, Hussle said that Victory Lap would be released in 2014. On November 20, 2013, Hussle confirmed that Victory Lap would feature production from Ralo, 1500 or Nothin', The Futuristiks and DJ Mustard. He later confirmed more producers, including Don Cannon and DJ Khalil on the album. After the year went by with no new releases, Hussle released a new mixtape, Mailbox Money on New Year's Eve 2014, again releasing 1000 hard copies for $100 each.

Nipsey made a number of guest appearances throughout 2015 and 2016, working with Jadakiss, Trae Tha Truth and YG. In 2016, he released another mixtape, titled Famous Lies and Unpopular Truth. He commented on the 2016 US presidential election by releasing the single "FDT" ("Fuck Donald Trump") with YG; the song was written about Hussle's positive experiences with Mexican immigrants in the United States, whom Trump had criticized.

After numerous delays, Hussle's debut studio album, Victory Lap, was released on February 16, 2018, debuting at number 4 on the Billboard 200, selling 53,000 album equivalent units in its first week. The album was met with universal acclaim from critics, and numerous songs entered the Billboard Hot 100, including "Double Up", "Last Time I Checc'd" and "Dedication", marking Nipsey's debut on the chart as a lead artist. Victory Lap was also nominated for a Best Rap Album at the 61st Annual Grammy Awards in 2019, but lost out to Cardi B's Invasion of Privacy. Over 1 year after its release, the album reached a new peak of number on the Billboard 2000 in April 2019 after Hussle's murder on March 31. His single "Racks in the Middle" featuring Roddy Ricch and Hit-Boy also reached a new peak of number 44 on the Hot 100, following his death.

Business ventures

Hussle's nickname came from his entrepreneurial spirit. He shined shoes for $2.50 to pay for school clothes at age 11 with a goal of a hundred shoes a day. Hussle sold his mixtapes out of a car trunk at a neighborhood strip mall at the intersection of Slauson Avenue and Crenshaw Boulevard. After leaving Epic Records, he founded his own record label. Hussle experimented with unorthodox sales strategies by selling expensive copies of certain mixtapes even while the songs were distributed for free.

Hussle's Marathon branding inspired Steve Carless in 2013 when he founded Marathon Agency with business partners Karen Civil and Jorge Peniche. They designed the talent-based brand to attract a diverse set of clients in all stages of their careers. In October 2016, Carless, the head of the agency, told Billboard that Hussle had invested "like over six figures" in the Marathon Agency and described him as "kind of like our silent partner."

Hussle opened the Marathon Clothing store on June 17, 2017, which he founded along with partners Carless, Civil, and his brother Samiel Asghedom. Opening the store at this intersection in the Crenshaw commercial district was important to him because he wanted to invest and provide opportunities in his neighborhood of Hyde Park. The store is billed as a "smart store," which bridges the gap between culture and technology by giving customers access to exclusive music and other content created by rappers through an app created by software engineer Iddris Sandu. The year before his death, Hussle had bought the L-shaped small shopping center where his store was located. His partner was real estate investor David Gross, who is also a South Los Angeles native.

All Money In

Hussle created the record label All Money In after leaving Epic Records. He released his first major project, The Marathon, through the new label on December 21, 2010. He released subsequent projects under his label, including The Marathon Continues (2011), Crenshaw (2013), and Mailbox Money (2014). He also signed other artists, including J. Stone, Cobby Supreme, Cuzzy Capone, BH, Pacman Da Gunman, and Killa Twan.

Releases

The Marathon - Nipsey Hussle (2010)

The Marathon Continues - Nipsey Hussle (2011)

Crenshaw - Nipsey Hussle (2013)

Mailbox Money - Nipsey Hussle (2014)

25/8 No Breaks - J. Stone (2014)

Boyz N Tha Hood - BH (2015)

Slauson Boy 2 - Nipsey Hussle (2016)

Neighborhood Watch - J. Stone (2016)

Victory Lap - Nipsey Hussle (2018)

6 Days - J. Stone (2018)

No Guts No Glory - Pacman Da Gunman (2019)

The Definition of Loyalty - J. Stone (2019)

60TH ST - Pacman Da Gunman (2019)

Acting career

In 2007, Hussle played a small role in Bone Thugs-n-Harmony's semi-autobiographical film I Tried, which was directed by Rich Newey. In 2010, he starred in the film Caged Animal, alongside Ving Rhames, Gillie Da Kid and Robert Patrick. In 2015, Hussle was featured in a cameo "The Sexy Getting Ready Song" in the pilot episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, rapping two bars.

Community activism

Hussle wanted to focus on "giving solutions and inspiration" to young black men like him. He denounced gun violence through his music, influence and community work. He spoke openly about his experiences with gang culture.

He funded improvements to neighborhood schools and spent time with students, also participating on panels about growing up in the area and the influence of gang culture. Hussle started a co-working environment which he named Vector 90. From his own experience, he believed that the Crenshaw area as being under served and that young people would benefit from communal workspaces. He wanted youths to be able to take classes in science, technology and mathematics at the center. In March 2019, Hussle had contacted officials from the LAPD to arrange a meeting with him and Roc Nation about what they could do to help prevent gang violence in South Los Angeles. The meeting had been scheduled to take place on April 1.

Hussle was murdered on March 31. According to Los Angeles Police Commissioner Steve Soboroff, department officials will meet with Hussle's representatives at a future date on these issues, to continue the activist's work in his honor.

Personal life

Hussle and actress Lauren London began dating in 2013. They had a son together born in 2016. London has a child from a previous relationship with fellow rapper Lil Wayne, while Hussle had a daughter from a previous relationship. He remained very involved in South Los Angeles with his businesses, charitable activities, and the homes of family and friends. The locations for a magazine shoot were in the neighborhood.

Death

On March 31, 2019, Hussle was shot at least 10 times in the parking lot of his store, Marathon Clothing, in South Los Angeles at about 3:19 p.m. Gunshot wounds included a shot to his right chest, a shot that entered into his abdomen near his navel and severed his spine, a gunshot wound to the right side of his back that penetrated into his chest and struck his lung, and a gunshot wound to "the posterior top" of his scalp. Two others were wounded in the shooting. All three victims were transported to a hospital, where Hussle was pronounced dead at 3:55 p.m. He was 33 years old. Rapper GBO Gaston claimed to have killed Nipsey Hussle on an Instagram post before the suspected perpetrator was arrested. Police have identified 29-year-old Eric Ronald Holder Jr. as the suspect.

Investigators believe Eric Holder, the suspect, was known to the rapper and that the shooting was possibly motivated by a personal matter. On April 2, 2019, Holder was arrested by the Los Angeles Police Department and was being held in solitary confinement.

Hussle is buried at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Southern California. His brother, Samuel Asghedom was appointed the permanent administrator of Hussle's estate.

Memorials

Upon hearing the news of his death, numerous celebrities offered their condolences on social media. Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti also offered his condolences to Hussle's family.

Hussle's memorial service was held on April 11 at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, with tickets provided free of charge.

A letter from former president Barack Obama praised the rapper for his work in the community:

The 25.5-mile (41.0 km) funeral procession wound through the streets of South L.A. including Watts, where he spent some of his formative years. Mourners gathered at the Watts Towers along the route. The crowds lining the streets demonstrated the impact he had on this community.

Hussle's longtime friend and collaborator YG dedicated his performance at the 2019 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival to the memory of Nipsey Hussle.

Legacy

A petition was started to rename the intersection of Slauson Avenue and Crenshaw Boulevard near Hussle's store Marathon Clothing to "Nipsey Hussle Square". On the day of his funeral, the council announced it was set to be renamed Ermias "Nipsey Hussle" Asghedom Square to honor him and his contributions to the neighborhood.

There was a strong artistic response to Nipsey Hussle's death. Within a few months, over 50 murals dedicated to the rapper were painted in the City of Los Angeles. One mural is in an alley near the strip mall where he was killed. Hussle's store has remained closed since his death.

Puma released the Marathon Clothing collection in September 2019 with 100% of net proceeds to the Neighborhood ‘Nip’ Foundation. The AMB store opened in September 2019 on Crenshaw Boulevard. This is another clothing company founded by Hussle with Cobby Supreme who was one of his best friends and an artist.

The season 2 premiere of the CW series All American included a candlelight vigil at Hyde Park with a eulogy by the character Flip Williams (played by Lahmard Tate). Tattoo artist Keenan Chapman painted a mural just for the episode. The series included "Grinding All My Life" in its pilot, and series star Daniel Ezra was a fan. Characters from the series wore clothes from the Marathon store. Hussle had planned to appear in the season 1 finale but had "scheduling conflicts".

Inspired by the books that Hussle had mentioned in interviews, songs and motivational messages, local chapters of The Marathon Book Club have formed. The list includes self-help bestsellers, cult classics and little-known books by black authors. Michelle Obama included "Hussle and Motivate" on her 2020 workout playlist.

At the 2020 Grammy Awards DJ Khaled, Kirk Franklin, John Legend, Meek Mill, Roddy Ricch and YG gave tribute to Hussle in honor of his legacy.

Ava DuVernay may co-produce and direct a Nipsey Hussle documentary or Netflix series.

On March 6, 2020, thrash metal band Body Count released their seventh studio album titled Carnivore. The album features a song titled When I'm Gone which was written for Nipsey Hussle by the band's singer and fellow Los Angeles rapper Ice-T. The song features a spoken introductory part in which Ice-T says of Hussle, "the outcry of love and support after his death was incredible, but it inspired me to write this song." The song also features guest vocalist Amy Lee from the band Evanescence who is also credited by Ice-T as having co-written the song.

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

A Japanese member was forced to marry a Korean man she did not like. The divorce took five years.

August 13, 2013

Ms K.: Hello, I will now tell you about my experiences.

The first contact which led me to join the Unification Church was in July 1998 in the Kansai District (2) where I lived. I was approached and asked to answer a questionnaire titled ‘Youth Consciousness Survey.’ The people told me they were showing educational videos and they invited me to come, but I did not want to go. However, they said that they really wanted to just be friends with me, so I gave them my name and contact information. Following that, they called me several times. I was given directions to an apartment.

I later found out this was the Unification Church of Sun Myung Moon. Their beliefs interested me, and I felt I couldn’t refuse because my spiritual parents (the people who introduced me to the UC) kindly helped me. So I started going along to watch videos or listen to lectures on the Principles of the church.

In March 1999, I was invited to have my fortune read. I was told that my fortune was bad and I was forced to buy a seal for 150,000 yen and also to receive a genealogy (family tree) analysis. Then I was told that I would die at the age of 33 if I didn’t follow their way. I was forced to give all my savings to resolve the grudges of my ancestors. I donated 1.6 million yen, which was all my savings at that time. After that, I was told by my spiritual parents to go to the Church Youth Branch in Osaka to start my life in the Unification Church. A video center counselor in Osaka told me to go to Ivision, where I was forced to buy a necklace to improve my fortune. I refused many times saying that I had no money, but in the end I borrowed money and bought a necklace for 1,060,000 yen. After a one-day workshop, followed by a two-day workshop, new member training and practical training, I joined the training center in the youth branch house in November 1999.

My schedule was strictly managed since I was going to a workplace during the day and listening to lectures on the Divine Principle every night. Then I participated in a third workshop, and I got more and more deeply involved in the Unification Church.

▲ Sun Myung Moon and Hak Ja Han perform at the 400 million couples marriage.

In February 2000 the church held the 400 million couples Blessing at the Seoul Stadium in Korea. I was a participant. I first met my Jucheja (= subject partner = groom / husband) (3) at the Stadium. It was difficult for me to accept my subject partner, so I went to the church secretariat because I wanted to cancel being married to this man. However, they worked hard to convince me, and I eventually accepted the match.

After returning to the center in Japan, every day was filled with witnessing and Divine Principle lectures. My fatigue became chronic due to my double life of work and the demands of my faith. In that situation in June 2000, under pressure from my Abel and worn down by physical and mental exhaustion, I made a commitment to the church. After making that, I was put in charge of a witnessing team, made education training group leader, and responsible for micro (a mobile microbus fundraising team) (4), and meal duty. I lived there for about a year. In the meantime, I participated in a Cheongpyeong workshop and a 21-day workshop in Chiba. My faith gradually became stronger. During my religious life, there were a number of faxes and letters from my subject partner who wanted to start our couple life as soon as possible. Finally, in September 2001, my subject partner visited the church house where I was staying. He threatened to break our blessing if I did not move to Korea within that year. He asked me to quickly complete the marriage registration. He returned to Korea and made my seal and sent it twice, with a copy of his family register.

My subject partner had already experienced a Korea-Japan blessing once before, at the time of the Blessing of 360,000 couples. However the Japanese woman broke off the marriage. Following that I think he was somehow determined to keep ‘the Blessing’ with me. Since there was such a a strong request from my subject partner, and we were really registered as married, I removed myself from my own family register without my family’s consent. I did that because I had no time to explain or persuade my parents since I was in a hurry to go to Korea.

I arrived there on December 31, 2001. Because I am weak in my heart [not good at standing up for myself], I was instructed not to tell my parents when I had removed my name from my own family register. However, if I suddenly disappeared from Japan, my parents would be worried, so I was instructed to make sure a letter from me arrived the day I crossed over to Korea. In my letter I should not say that I was involved with the Unification Church, but that I was going to Korea to marry a Korean man I had met at work. In the end, I was too busy with my cooking duties until just before my departure for Korea, so I could not even write such a letter before I arrived in Korea.

On the flight to Korea, I thought I would never be able to return to Japan again since I was really becoming cut off from my parents and friends. I felt like Korea was the only place I could be. Many thoughts raced through my mind. I felt tears of sadness and feelings of anxiety and expectation for what the future held for my life.

After arriving in Korea I completed a Japanese Family workshop and lived in a church center. This had many Japanese members centered on the president of the Japanese Women’s Federation for World Peace and Unification (WFWPU). My duties there included preparing meals for the church, cleaning, studying Korean and witnessing by distributing leaflets that promoted the ‘Blessing’ (Unification Church mass marriage).

▲ Flyer distributed in Korea by Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church advertising the availability of Japanese wives.

Translation of the poster (Korean on the left and Japanese on the right):

True Marriage to a Japanese Woman

Nonprofit community service organization: Registration No. 1300

♥ Junior college or higher educational background ♥ Healthy body and mind ♥ For a young man who has stable employment (around 30 years old)

(Previously married men and women, now single, must be aged 60 or less)

Ideal spouse with a chaste sense of values.

We will match you up.

True Family Practice in conjunction with ◯◯ Committee

Consultation phone Counselor / Consultation Staff

Occasionally I met with my subject partner. He spoke a little Japanese, and we could only manage basic conversation. The president of the Japanese Women’s Federation (WFWP) always interpreted for us when we wanted to convey anything important. However, the greater conflict for me was that someday I would have to live with someone I didn’t like. That was worse than not being able to communicate well with my subject partner. If it could be possible I wanted to just continue living in the church center without starting couple life. I wondered if I lacked faith because I kept thinking in such a way from in my personal thoughts rather than from a perspective of faith. I made more effort in witnessing and prayer, and I repented for my feelings.

About a week after living in the church center in Korea, I received a call from the Youth Branch saying that my mother and sister, who had not yet received any letter from me, had visited the UC in Japan because they were not able to contact me and were worried about me. At the direction of the WFWP president, I phoned them and said I was in Korea and doing well.

In early February 2002, my father, sister, and an uncle in my family suddenly came with an interpreter to Korea to bring me home to Japan. At the direction of the WFWP president, I had sent a letter to my parents, but with my subject partner’s home address written on the letter. However, it would have been very difficult to find the exact location because I had not given the street number. The person who came as an interpreter was actually a pastor in a Korean Christian church. I heard that they had to ask an elder from a local Korean Christian church, whom he knew, in order to find me. Under instructions of the UC district leader and the WFWP president I was hiding in the president’s house. However, my father threatened that he would contact the police to file a search request, so I decided to meet him the next day. I insisted that, when I was ready, I would return to Japan on my own. At that time, from the attitude of my father and sister’s responses, I thought that there might be a pastor who was working against the Unification Church helping them. Our discussions were going nowhere. After more than two hours passed, my father asked me to have a meal together with them. At that moment, as I had been instructed by the church, I pushed my father away and caught a taxi as if I was running away.

In the taxi I could not stop crying. I had met my parents after years of church life in Japan. I had felt joy because my father, who had never traveled abroad, had gathered all his strength to come to Korea to search for me, but I also felt that my father looked rather thin and small. I knew he was doing his best to bring me home to Japan. I had conflicting emotions; I felt sorry for causing him to worry and I felt pain because I had to shake off such a father who cared so much. But [as I had been taught in the church] I desperately pushed myself not to be overwhelmed by those human feelings.

As part of our witnessing effort, Japanese members taught Japanese language lessons to Koreans twice a week. And at the same time, on a shift-basis, we were doing volunteer activities such as cleaning, lunch preparation, childcare, and supporting church projects.

In April, the district leader changed. Spiritual conditions, led by the WFWP president, such as late night prayer meetings, started every night from 11:00 pm to 2:00 am. This continued for a year until the district leader was again changed. Since I did not leave the center to start my couple life, I was specifically entrusted with cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, meal preparation, and childcare at the district leader’s house. I worked all day from morning to night, and I sometimes worked even all night. On top of that, there was a long prayer meeting until dawn every night, so I was chronically sleep deprived. However, I continued that life every day, repeating to myself that this is really a training of devotion so I would be better able to love my subject partner.

In the meantime, in order to maintain a connection with me, my sister communicated with me by e-mail through my subject partner, who was proficient in using computers. In mid-May my older sister came to visit me in Korea, this time she was the only one from my own family. She came with a pastor, but she did not show any feelings against the UC, and acted as if she was just worried about me as a sister. She also asked if my subject partner and I could temporarily return to Japan. After that, I received education for starting couple life so that I could start soon. However, I was unable to accept my subject partner. Under instructions from the WFWP president I was told that I had to overcome Satan and somehow start couple life. My subject partner and I participated in a 40-day workshop in Cheongpyeong.

▲ Workshop at Cheongpyeong

After that, I started couple life with him in August 2002. Even though I started living with my subject partner, I felt that our cultural differences and language barriers were huge. Communicating with my subject partner was difficult, and only simple everyday conversations were possible. For that reason I couldn’t understand what my subject partner was really thinking. Also, it was difficult for me to accept my subject partner even after starting our life together. Nevertheless, I kept reminding myself of how happy and grateful I should be to have a husband from the Adam country of Korea. Japanese church members should serve as slaves to their Korean husbands of the Adam country. And so I repented for my immature faith and made an effort to love my subject partner.

[The Unification Church teaches that Japan is the Eve nation to Korea as Adam. Rev Moon has said that Korea is shaped like a penis. He has also said that Japan, as a mother, should financially support Korea and make restitution for all the material things that were taken from Korea during the Japanese occupation of Korea which lasted until 1945.]

In September, I was given the opportunity to temporarily return to Japan for a week with my subject partner. In my sister’s e-mails, or by her appearance when she came to see me, it did not really seem like there was an anti-pastor (working against the UC) behind her efforts, so the Unification Church did not notice anything unusual. I returned to Japan thinking that it would be good to have my Japanese relatives meet my subject partner and come to understand him better. For a short time after our return home, my family treated my subject partner kindly, taking him out to nice meals and on shopping trips. However, when my father and sister were talking through an interpreter, or were asking details about the Divine Principle, it was as if they had been studying little by little to understand the Unification Church. Then I suspected that an anti-pastor might be working with them. However, rather than that thought, I had questions about the Divine Principle myself, and I was angry with myself for not being able to not answer their questions when I wanted to.

During that initial visit, they did not try to force me and my subject partner to stay, and let us go back to Korea. As I was leaving, it felt so good when my mother hugged me and cried, saying I can come back home anytime. When I had first left for Korea, I thought I would never be able to return again, but now I came to think that I could actually return to Japan at anytime. I even came to think that there was no difference between Sun Myung Moon’s mass wedding ceremony and an ordinary wedding ceremony. It had been a while since I felt the joy and warmth of my family, and I was caught between the thought of wanting to remain in Japan or returning to Korea.

After our return to Korea, my life with my subject partner, centered on church life, began again. To find answers to the questions I had from my father and my sister I even asked a Japanese church member. She said that the teachings of the Unification Church are not limited to the Divine Principle, but there are more detailed books such as Unification Theology [by Young-oon Kim and Unification Thought by Sang-Hun Lee], that are deep in their teachings. And she said that if I kept studying until I was convinced, I would again see how good the teachings of the Unification Church were. However, in Korea, because every book was written in Korean, it was difficult for me to study such books. Anyway I could not find enough time to do that due to my everyday training.

My subject partner was working in a factory and earning an average of 70,000 yen per month. However, he often quit his job and stayed at home or changed his job. Moreover, there were also transfers, so our life was difficult. All the time I tried to save money. I wanted to go to a dentist in Korea, but I couldn’t afford it. In September 2003, one year after I had last visited Japan, the church allowed me to return to Japan on my own to get dental treatment. However, just in case, they asked me to give my contact information to the nearest branch of the UC and to run away if anything happened.

On my return to Japan, I wanted to study more about the Unification Church. I started getting the dental treatment I needed. Several times I tried to phone the nearest UC without my family knowing, but I could never reach them. Meanwhile, my family asked me to meet with a pastor, saying they hoped I would understand what they had been studying. My father begged me with a very serious face saying it was his once-in-a-lifetime request.

I knew then that my father was sincere and serious when he said that. I agreed but said that I would only be willing to meet the pastor once I had attended the worship service of the local Unification Church. So I tried to call them again, but I still couldn’t get through. Finally I had no choice but to meet the pastor. In my mind I thought this would be a catastrophe, but I eventually agreed to meet the pastor by telling myself that I shouldn’t be a frog in a well, and that knowing about other religions would help me to see the Unification Church more objectively and to know the splendor of the Unification Church more deeply.

But in reality, it was the complete opposite. I came to know what was wrong with the Unification Church and I fell to the bottom of hell. I had quit my job, cut off all contact with my friends and my free will had been destroyed. I had believed that the work I had been doing was the truth, and I had put the rest of my life at risk in order to hold on to this precious truth, only to realize in the end that it was not genuine. I could not control my sorrow and resentment. The pastor told me that I can always leave the UC any time now. I decided to quit the Unification Church. Even after I decided to leave, I continued to read books and research until I could fully understand what had happened to me. I came to realize that I had been under mind control. As soon as I knew that the Unification Church was wrong, I decided to get a divorce because I could not sustain a false marriage even if it was deemed a ‘Blessed marriage’ in the doctrine of the Unification Church.

However, the divorce was not resolved quickly. First of all, at the end of December 2003, two months after my withdrawal from the Church, all my family members and the pastor went to the house of the parent’s of my husband, where he was living, to ask for a divorce. An elder of a Korean Christian Church also accompanied us and talked to them. They refused, so I couldn’t get divorced. My husband was shocked when I told him of my intention to divorce. He caused a scene and said he would commit suicide, and we had to call the police.

However, I was relieved to know that he was really living in his mother’s house. After returning home to Japan, I was introduced to a lawyer and tried to get my divorce through the courts. But in my situation I discovered that the longer the period of not living as a couple, the greater the probability of getting a divorce, so I decided not to go to trial immediately. Then there was a request by e-mail from my husband for me to pay 10 million yen to get the divorce. Of course I had no intention of paying, and I had no ability to pay such a sum. Also, after several e-mails going back and forth, I also sent him a Japanese divorce application form and requested that he accept the divorce application. He again refused. Meanwhile, the amount of alimony kept decreasing, so my father thought about my future and considered paying the alimony. However, I did not respond to the requests for money. I thought I should not set a bad precedent for subsequent UC victims who were trying to get divorced.

On January 17, 2006, two years after visiting Korea to request a divorce, my sister and I participated in the Japan-Korea Unification Church Problem Forum in Seoul, with our lawyer and the Korean pastor who had helped us before.

▲ Daegu

After the conference was over, I traveled to Daegu together with my lawyer and the Christian pastor. We again asked my husband and his parents to allow the divorce to proceed without alimony. They still would not accept. Then the pastor suggested going to a Korean lawyer to have a trial in Korea. But, although during UC divorce trials in Japan some courts ruled that marriages in the Unification Church were not valid, it seemed such a route would be more difficult in Korea because there was less consensus in Korea concerning the fraudulent nature of the Unification Church and their use of mind control [and sleep deprivation, etc.]. All my family members were depressed and anxious about how to go about having a trial in Korea and gaining the divorce.

In January 2008, five years after leaving the Church, just as I was considering the option of a trial in Japan, an e-mail came from my husband stating that he would agree to a divorce without alimony. My pastor and all six family members went to Korea. At the city hall, my husband and I went through divorce procedures and we got divorced.

My husband did not smile as he used to. We finished the divorce process perfunctorily. I said I was sorry to my husband and wished that he would find happiness in the future. It was not that either of us had faults. Both of us were really victims of Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church and our experiences only confirmed the heartlessness of the Unification Church. After that, due to our different nationalities, the Japanese court divorce procedures were not very smooth. I and my father had to go to the Korean Consulate several times. We were finally able to complete the divorce in June 2008. At that time, I felt relieved and reborn. I felt I was finally free and had truly left the Unification Church.

Ten years had passed since I joined the Unification Church. For the first five years I had immersed myself in the UC. Even after I left the church I spent another five years struggling with the after-effects of mind control and the divorce process. The fact that I was rescued from the Unification Church and that I am now able to live a free life like this, is all thanks to the help of my parents, my older sister, my pastor, lawyer, and those former members who gave me psychological support. And the elder who gave me tremendous support in the foreign land of Korea – I sincerely thank you all.

The divorce, especially, took a long time. This was partly because of the great language barrier. In my case, Elder Lee was an immense help. Elder Lee accompanied me every time I went to Daegu, even though he had problems with both his legs. When there was no progress in the divorce, he delivered the letters my father had written; he visited my husband’s parents many times to try to persuade them to accept the divorce. Elder Lee’s help was crucial. As seen in my case, if a Christian Church in Korea accurately understands the fraudulent nature of the Unification Church and serves as a bridge between Japan and Korea, I think there can be a considerable chance of a successful rescue. Also, Japanese UC members who are married to Korean men do not know what to do when a problem occurs in the Unification Church. If a Christian Church in Korea has an understanding of the Unification Church, it can be a great help. I hope that the Christian Church in Korea will accurately and deeply understand the illegality of the Unification Church and lend its strength to help further rescues. I am now studying in Korea, free from the Unification Church. Living in Korea this time is of my own choice and for my own benefit.

One day, while walking in Myeong-dong, Seoul, I accidentally met a woman who was the class leader at the UC training center. She was outside in the cold handing out leaflets that advertised a massage salon. She had been in Korea for 12 years, and she was giving out leaflets to see if that work would help her to support her family of three.

▲ Taiyaki pastry

Also, when I visited an island, I saw a UC woman baking and selling fish cakes and taiyaki pastries (5) from the back of a small truck. She was a woman in her late 40s, but in the 15 years since she had been married, she had been baking taiyaki and her face had been burned by the heat from that work. She did not wear any makeup. It was a cold winter, but she said she was working from morning to night. I felt sorry for her, and it felt as if it was my own problem. I wondered if I might have been living such a life if I had not quit the UC.

It is known that there are more than 6,000 Japanese wives who have been married to Korean men through the Unification Church mass weddings. Seeing them first-hand, it hurts me to know what difficult lives the Japanese wives have, and how they struggle in Korea. I feel anger towards the Unification Church which ruins people’s lives.

▲ Japanese UC members bow in apology for historical abuse to Koreans.

I was very surprised to hear about the incident of the Japanese UC wife, Miyuki Park, last year.(6) I don’t know what would have happened if I had continued living in Korea without leaving the Unification Church. When I think about what Miyuki Park did, I feel very sorry. We hope that she will be released from prison as soon as possible, so she can live a peaceful life with the help of her family and supporting volunteers.

When I was given this opportunity to tell my story, I had to revisit the events and emotions of those times. As I wrote these words I could not help but shed tears as powerful memories swept over me. After ten years, I thought that my time in the Unification Church was a thing of the past, but I was amazed to find that the wounds in my heart still remain to this day.

The Unification Church is a terrifying organization that controls minds with manipulative techniques and easily comes to dominate the minds and hearts of unsuspecting people. Absolute cooperation and solidarity between families is necessary in order to rescue as many victims of Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church as possible. In particular, in the case of Korea-Japan ‘blessings’, I think the key is the full support and cooperation of the Christian Churches in Korea. I hope that such a way will open quickly in the future. I thank you for reading this.

______________________________________________

Notes

1) A term describing a married couple of Korean male believer and Japanese female believer. 2) The Kansai District lies in the southern-central region of Japan’s main island, Honshū. 3) ‘Subject partner’ – in mass marriages, the term a bride uses to address her groom. Wives are called ‘object partners.’ 4) Micro – abbreviation for economic activities such as traveling by microbus to different areas to fundraise. Members sometimes lived in the microbuses for weeks at a time. 5) Taiyaki (鯛焼き, literally ‘baked sea bream’) is a Japanese fish-shaped cake. It imitates the shape of the 鯛, Tai (Japanese red seabream), which it is named after. The most common filling is red bean paste that is made from sweetened azuki beans. Other common fillings may be custard, chocolate, cheese, or sweet potato. Some shops even sell taiyaki with okonomiyaki, gyoza filling, or a sausage inside. In South Korea, Taiyaki are known as bungeo-ppang. Taiyaki are similar to imagawayaki, which are thick round cakes also filled with sweet azuki bean paste or custard. 6) A Japanese female UC member, Miyuki Park, murdered her abusive, alcoholic unemployed Korean husband and is currently serving time in jail.

______________________________________________

Why did a Japanese Moon church member kill her Korean husband?

日本人妻はなぜ韓国人夫を殺したのか? 統一教会「合同結婚式」の悲劇

Suicide of Japanese ‘Moon money mule’ in Uruguay. Mother of three children

Japanese member Ms. U married to a Korean man

Japanese woman recruited and sold to Korean farmer

Atsuko Kumon Hong “suicide / murder” 2013

6,500 Japanese women missing from Moon mass weddings

“Apology marriages” made by Japanese UC members to Korean men

A huge Moon Church scam in Japan is revealed

Moon personally extracted $500 MILLION from Japanese sisters in the fall of 1993. He demanded that 50,000 sisters attend HIS workshops on Cheju Island and each had to pay a fee of $10,000.

The Moon church of Japan used members for profit, not religious purposes

The Comfort Women Controversy

______________________________________________

여성신자U씨의 체험담

통일교　여성 피해자의 체험담 （K씨）

______________________________________________

日本人妻はなぜ韓国人夫を殺したのか?

韓国よ、私の姉を返せ！！

元早大総長が集団結婚を徹底批判 統一教会

韓国に渡った統一教会日本人女性信者の実態

山崎浩子 vs 林真理子   独占対談

愛が偽りに終わるとき – 山崎 浩子 (著)

「合同結婚式、６５００人の行方を捜して」被害者家族が訴え

統一教会女性信者が自殺した 「四千人」南米大移働の謎

統一教会に入信して殺されたわが兄

統一教会合同結婚式　日本人妻たちの「肉声」

統一教会の日本人花嫁数千人が韓国農民に宛われた 韓国農民にあてがわれた統一教会·合同結婚式日本人妻の「SEX地獄」

これが『統一教会』の秘部だ

[imuybemovoko]

My beliefs now

I set this blog up for a bunch of different purposes including conlangs/worldbuilding stuff, my writing, and my views on religion and maybe also politics. So far, mostly, I’ve ranted a lot about the beliefs I left behind. Now that I’ve let that particular sketchy brand of Christianity, now that I’ve discovered the ways it and my conservative family background were probably turning me into a fascist while I was still in all that, I figure I might as well try to hash out where I stand now. I’m around eleven months out from my deconversion, and a lot has already changed. I might try to attempt a before and after thing but there’s a lot to unpack about how I used to think and I’m not sure I’ve understood everything yet. I think I made the mistake of thinking that not very long before that repressed memory about “Sharon” and her Jonah display came crashing back in March. This is current to late July 2020 and may not include everything. 

So without any further ado, let’s talk background. First, some things I’ve already either mentioned or given more than enough evidence for. I used to be a Christian fundamentalist. (Clearly. I rant about it a lot.) I got into that because I was raised religious, then let myself fall right the fuck into what I’ll call “deep end lite” shortly before senior year in high school. Some local churches in my small town arranged a missions trip thing and the way I agreed to go along felt in the moment like surrendering to a voice that’s been speaking to me all along. In ...a way, it was. Just not the voice I thought. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want this god, at any point like ever, until that little part of me whispered that it would be easier to accept him. I have a megathread document that I’ve stored a lot of my “God stories” from my time as a Christian in. Unfortunately I didn’t remember many specific details of this experience to write down in there, but I did write a bit of a “life-story” thing that reminds me that, chronologically, that happened after a period of focused attempts by the church to indoctrinate me, some traumatic things my family did, social struggles, and feeling like an asshole because of things I’d done in the past. I remember having this growing sense over the previous year that I was approaching some kind of very dangerous breaking point, to the point where (trigger warning: mental instability, school shooter mention. Please either stop here or skip to where it says “in other words” in the next paragraph after this if that’s going to be an issue. It also keeps getting dark from there for a minute. Please, please tread with care if you need to. There is no shame at all if this becomes too much. Take care of yourself first and foremost.) 

when discussing how I came to accept the faith, I told some of my Christian friends that I felt like there was a scary chance of me becoming a school shooter. I think this may have been a post-hoc projection, but I can’t quite be sure of that. I was in a bad place for a bit there in high school. I had a wild temper and some sketchy intrusive thoughts.

In other words, it hit at a perfect moment of weakness. That’s how oppressive forms of spirituality function, it’s how hate groups function... it’s a massive shit cocktail and I found a pretty bad influence in the form of people who promote that whole “born again experience” thing in Christianity. I’d say I’m glad I missed out on being dragged into a fascist ideology this way, but uh... I’m no longer convinced I didn’t grow up around something like that. More later. 

From there I spiraled my way through my first attempts at college through the university’s chapter of the Chi Alpha campus ministry and, peripherally through that, Assemblies of God (holy shit those guys are wild), then through a local Baptist church (more peripherally) and Calvary Chapel (I was a worship guitarist here for like 18 months and helped with their youth ministry for almost as long) closer to home and a CRU chapter at my community college. With each passing year I slipped further and further into this weird shame-induced funk where I got like... addicted to Jesus and hated myself or something. It’s a bit hard to find words that don’t take multiple entire extra pages and I want to be concise, so I’ll simply call it “Jesus-flavored depression” for brevity and because that was enough of a genuinely bad time (and I’m still fucked up enough) that I might need some fairly serious therapy.

Near the end of 2018 I was reaching a breaking point, wondering why nothing ever seemed to change in my life from “sexual sin” (...which in my case literally consisted of being attracted to women and occasional self-pleasure, but they literally teach you to hate yourself for less than that in the spicier churches rip) to my direction in life to how trapped I felt by my family. I also started to have more questions about the violence in the Bible and some of the sketchier doctrines, and that was strongly reinforced by some of the things I saw in a creative writing class I took, including an atheist who shared a story of a profoundly negative experience involving being taught about hell at a very young age. All that led to the absolute disaster that was December 2018. It was my last semester at the community college I went to. Finals week was a fucking disaster, and the week before that too, and my grades were really good but at great cost. I won’t go into a ton of detail because 1. space concerns and 2. this time is still damn painful to discuss, but just know that I’m unconvinced I’d have survived that month without this song. (Yes, that’s Paramore. Shut up xD they’re still good.) I looped it for like three days straight and I think it was just enough to keep me going through what was the third time I had any suicidal kind of thoughts ever and by far the worst and longest period of it so far.

So the next several months (and I won’t go into a ton of detail about this, I intended this post more to describe my current position and I don’t wanna get too in the weeds with background) were a confusing period of questioning, starting with, of all things, my family dynamic. The spiral after the week before finals was ...considerably worsened by some comments my dad made, and between that and some experiences in the past that the creative writing class I took that fall reminded me of, I was exposed to a bit of a deeply toxic pattern. I might discuss that more deeply in another post, but for now suffice it to say that extensive youtube binges and some other research between about January and March told me the situation is probably adjacent to pathological narcissism in some way. I brought some of this up to the church I was attending at the time (a small town Calvary Chapel, if I haven’t mentioned that already) and their responses were ...inconsistent. Some people blamed me, some people said “oh dang your dad is abusive”, and some people took the “your parents are trying their best” tack. In retrospect I think that made me doubt if God’s messaging to these people could really be trusted. Then, in about April, the question of hell came up again. I was helping in the church’s budding youth ministry at the time and we had about four regular attendees between the ages of 12 and 18. There were about three weeks in a row when one of the other adults (I’ll call her Kelly for the purposes of not doxxing; also more on her later) talked at length about how unbelief leads to hell. I remembered that atheist from creative writing, made the connection to these four kids, and thought, “what the hell are we doing?” (Pun not intended but rather convenient.) I immediately backed down from my role in the youth ministry, citing other equally valid but less pressing reasons involving stress from the issues with my dad, and tried to go on with life. But the floodgates were open. 

In late May or early June, I was staring out a window one morning and suddenly a question crossed my mind unbidden: “Is God a narcissist?” I thought back to a relatively recent sermon by the associate pastor in which he explained that the purpose of the world was “for God’s glory”, to some apparent sudden flights of rage, and some other factors in the scriptures, and thought, “holy shit, I need to investigate this, because God is also very adjacent to narcissism.” It took a hot minute for the ball to really get rolling with that, but once it did... I came to a point by late June or early July where I delivered an ultimatum to God, something to the tune of “Ok, either show me how all these questions I have can be answered beyond a doubt or I’m done.” 

There was no answer. 

God was silent during this time, and the people in the church were shocked that I had the questions I did and either concerned or ...rather spicy. I joined an ex-Christian discord server to aid in a proper, thorough investigation. I aired my questions both there and on a Christian discord server. The Christian server was toxic as fuck and the ex-Christians started making a crazy amount of sense. I watched some videos from Cosmic Skeptic and TheraminTrees (most notably the latter’s deconversion story) for new perspectives and, by mid-August, had crashed out of the faith altogether.

So the last time I ever stepped into a church with the intent of attending service (I showed up after once in January of 2020 to kinda let them know and that went pretty badly lol) was about two weeks before I started college again in the fall. I burned all but one of my Bibles and a collection of gospel tracts I never did anything else with and stylized it like my limited understanding of what a satanic/pagan ritual looked like, complete with a chant in my conlang Aylaan for a more personal twist because of course, to feel edgy. (I did a lot of kind of weird shit to feel edgy; that’s one of two of them I’m sure I don’t regret.) And after that, things got ...ah, confusing?

Because of course when the linchpin of your understanding of the world gives way, everything becomes fucked for a hot minute. 

So the first thing that happened was a couple months of anxiety and confusion. I slowly started to deconstruct my inherited political views too. (More on that later.) Then I had this really beautiful interesting moment in late September where I walked past a tree on the way to a class and had a sudden realization that I didn’t have to force the tree into a Christian framework anymore, it was just a beautiful mass of green shit and cellulose. I could appreciate it in whatever way I felt was best. I damn near broke down crying in the bathroom before class, it hit me that hard. So that’s fun xD

Since then I’ve kinda gone through a bunch of funky phases with this, including a couple of months of fairly salty atheism. Along with that process, I started questioning my sexuality in December (more on that in another post in a minute lmao it’s a trip) and literally shredding my politics in the face of Trump being a crackhead in a dangerous position getting away with confirmed illegal shit, COVID-19 and the ...dehumanizing responses of corporations and their sponsored politicians, and then what I noticed about the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the fallout from that. (In a nutshell, holy FUCK there’s a huge problem and it’s messed up that people don’t see it.) At this point, I’m socially progressive and pretty left leaning. I don’t know what the hell to do about it or how either other than some of the tense discussions I’ve been having, but I’d like to work against racism and discrimination too. So that’s cool and a lot better than where I was... 

which... I regret deeply.

I don’t know exactly how to define my old political views, and they were marked by considerable cognitive dissonance. I’ll try to illustrate this as best I can but I don’t know what label I can use. Here goes. 

Cursed images aside, I think the best way to explain this is through some background, i.e. what my parents believe, because my beliefs were largely inherited. 

This might be majorly over-simplified and based on what I remember of my own pre-deconstruction views and what I hear them say lately. I’m doing my best, but take it with a grain of salt. Basically, it seems like they walk this weird line between constitutionalist and very authoritarian that I see a hell of a lot of in rural America. Kinda like the Republic party used to before they yeeted into Trump’s mindfuck wholeheartedly. They’re homophobic to a rather alarming degree (more on that in another post soon) and not ...overtly Christian-supremacist but you can tell that their ethics are dripping with it and they’re terrified of Islam and they’d like to legislate some aspects of Christian morality. They also support the second amendment, which is the one thing I still agree with them on that I’m aware of, but they take it to more of an extreme than I’m willing to. For further ...flavor, they also reject the premise that parts of our society are systemically racist (and maybe also the idea that such a thing is even possible because of course), subscribe to the “bootstrap theory” for everything they can think to apply it to, reject climate science, and have been extremely conspiratorial about COVID-19. Also they like making it out like everything is a Democrat conspiracy theory, compare the Democrats to Hitler and Stalin to a weird degree, have on at least one occasion called Fox Motherfucking News left-leaning, and think Alex Jones is wacky but sometimes raises valid points. 

So that’s, in a nutshell, a bit of a look at my past political views, except I think I was a bit more Christian-dominionist than them and I think I had moments of “...does this really make any sense?” for years before I crashed out of everything. The first domino was my Christianity, but once that fell, my entire approach to the world went some places. 

So ...yeah. Oof. I was sketchy as shit. Glad that’s changed. 

So uh... I’ve already mentioned a vague (read: as much detail as I feel confident providing) description of my political views now, but after all this bullshit let’s finally get to the other half of my titular current beliefs. This ...isn’t going to be easy to explain either, but I feel more confident going into more detail. Buckle up :^)

Alright. So except for a couple of months where I was like “there is no god reeee” half because I was sOmE hYpErInTeLlEcTuAl SkEpTiC and half because of trauma from the toxic flavor of Christianity I left and some shitty developments in both politics and my social circles (I’ll talk at some length about “Kelly” in a sec here I think), since leaving Christianity I’ve always been what I’ll call “hopeful agnostic” (I think I stole this term from Rhett and/or Link lol). In a nutshell, what that means to me is “there may or may not be a god, but I hope there is at least one and they’re nice, or like, at least some spiritual thing that has a good aspect that can help me”. I also dabble in shitty rituals where I burn dead plants and occasionally also hate literature like gospel tracts (and, that one time, a couple of bibles) and basically call on “anyone who is listening and gives a fuck, else the placebo effect” for whatever my goal is. Like... witchy-adjacent but I don’t think about it very much at this stage. I kind of enjoy it, and I think for one reason or another it can be good for my mental health, but I’m wary of any kind of commitment or even more serious experimentation, even as I hope to find something good, because ...trauma, and maybe even absent that a desire to not be wrong in a way that’s dangerous to anyone else again. So that’s fun :^)

So if you’ve made it this far through this weird bullshit, thanks, this story is kind of important to me xD and if you couldn’t, and you’re not reading this ending thingy because it got too dark or it pissed you off or something, that’s cool too and you’re beautiful and valid. Whoever you are, I hope you find whatever healing you need. :)

[animeniacss]

6 Years - Hoseok x Reader  - Chapter 17 - First Day of School

Synopsis: 6 years. That’s all it can take to take another look at someone and see that they have completely changed. You were once an eager 20-year-old, with your dreams all in view, and Jung Hoseok at your side to view them with you. However, after a break up the end of your junior year of college, everything seemed different. Now, you’re a recently divorced single mother of two, and your life is nowhere near what you thought it would be. However, after reuniting with Jung Hoseok, you may just be able to capture a little bit of that exciting youth you once knew so long ago.

Feat. BTS Members, Nayeon (TWICE), and Yuna (itzy) 

Genre: Romance, SingleMother!AU, Past Relationship, Drama, Some Depictions of Violence/Domestic Abuse

Length: approx. 4.6k words 

Chapter 17- First Day of School 

           Weong-Bin didn’t seem to bother you or Hoseok after that. He would come to your house, pick up the girls on the days he was supposed to, the both of you would offer a hug and a hello for the girl’s sake, but that was it. He wouldn’t try to swoon you over or make a request to stop seeing Hoseok. It just all came to a stop. In a way, it relieved you, but you were skeptical. Had he really given up, or was he planning something? Oh well, for now, you had more important things to worry about.

           Summer came and went faster than you had planned for it too, and it was mid-August. That meant Min Ja was starting school soon, and boy was she sure that nobody forgot it. She would beg whoever she could to take her school shopping for cute clothes, or backpacks, or school supplies, whatever she could think of just so someone could get her into the school section of the local shopping mall. Today, Taehyung was dragged into it and took Hyo Bin with him. This left you home to prepare an early dinner for them and Hoseok was happy to come and give your company when you had asked. He was sitting on the couch, humming a tune as he flipped through the channel, and while you stood in the kitchen and prepared.

           “They should be home pretty soon.” You pointed out. “I hope Taehyung didn’t go too crazy with the clothes for the girls.”

           “Well, depending on where they went shopping, we’ll just have to see.” Hoseok chuckled a bit. You nodded in agreement, turning back to the sizzling pot on the stove.

           As the two of you relaxed in silence for about another hour, you heard the door unlock. Looking over, you saw Taehyung walk in… kid-less.

           “…Tae…where are my girls?” you asked curiously, turning the stove off. Taehyung looked around.

           “What? Oh…right. I forgot; your girls are dead.” He saw both you and Hoseok, and the confused yet slightly worrying looks on your faces, despite how calm he was acting. “I would like to introduce to you, the most fashionable little ladies in all of South Korea.” He pushed the door open a little more, revealing Min Ja and Hyo Bin standing side by side. They were dressed head to toe in all Gucci apparel: shirts, pants, little coats, headbands, and shoes. Your eyes widened as you looked at the girls standing in what was obviously their attempt to copying Taehyung’s modeling poses. “Cho Min Ja and Cho Hyo Bin at your service.”

           “Oh my God…” Hoseok began to laugh as he walked to your side to get a better look at the girls.

           “How much did all of that even cost?!” You asked, looking at your brother. He grinned as he scooped Hyo Bin up.

           “The only things that are real Gucci are the headbands, the rest is all off-brand for kids, so it isn’t expensive at all.”

           “But still, Gucci headbands for a four and two-year-old?” you asked, walking towards him.

           “Mama, I’mma model~.” Hyo Bin cooed. Taehyung laughed a bit as you nodded.

           “I know you are, baby girl. But next time, Uncle Tae needs to buy you some practical clothes. Right? Can you say practical?”

           “Pracal.” She repeated, pointing to Taehyung. “Pracal.”

           “Okay, okay.” Taehyung laughed. “But you like them, right Min Ja?”

           “Yeah! I’m gonna look so cool in school!” She cheered happily. You sighed, setting Hyo Bin down.

           “Let’s get you both changed for now.” You said, leading Hyo Bin into the bedroom. “Dinner is almost ready. Hobi can you just turn on the stove and watch it again for me?”

           “Righty-O.” Hoseok cheered, offering a thumbs-up as he and Taehyung headed into the kitchen. You took your kids into their room, helping Hyo Bin put on some clothes while Min Ja grabbed some and dressed herself.

           “Mommy look, I’m better at dressing myself now.” Min Ja said.

           “That means you’re ready for kindergarten.” You said, smiling as you fixed Hyo Bin’s shirt. Min Ja watched you fold all of the Gucci stuff, and set it in a drawer.

           “Is kindergarten fun, Mommy?” she asked curiously.

           “Hm? Well, yeah.” You assured her. Min Ja walked over to you and rested herself into your side, head resting on your shoulder. A motherly arm wrapped around her, and you kissed her forehead. “I haven’t been to kindergarten in a while, but I remember that school as a whole was a lot of fun. You’re going to play games, and learn how to read and write, and how to do the math.”

           “I can do the math. One plus one is two. Five plus five is…uh…”

“Ten.” You said.

“Ten!” She shouted, grinning. “Plus, I can count to twenty all by myself. So, I don’t need to do that part.”

           “Heh, well, maybe you can learn other cool things too. Because there’s a lot more math than just counting to twenty.”

           “There is?!” She asked in amazement. “Oh no…” you smiled, patting her back as you stood up.

           “You’re going to be okay.” You assured. “Ready for dinner?”

           “Yeah.” She nodded, taking your hand. Hyo Bin took the other one as the three of you headed into the kitchen. Hoseok and Taehyung were setting the table, as the food seemed to be just about done. “Yummy!” She beamed, hurrying to her spot in the table with her sister following right behind. You took your seat as well, and the group began to eat. Min Ja happily spoke to Taehyung about this new and innovative idea of counting higher than twenty, something that was absolutely fascinating to her! He listened, amused at her excitement the entire time she chewed his ear off.

           “I can’t wait for kindergarten now!” She said eagerly.

           “You already couldn’t wait for it, Min Ja.” Taehyung pointed out.

           “I know, but now it’s even more!” The adults at the table let out an amused chuckle as they continued to eat.

--------------

           Mid-August finally arrived, and Min Ja was just as excited about the first day of school as she was for almost anything else – overly excited. After taking what felt like decades to pick out her perfect first-day outfit, she was struggling to fall asleep. She was sitting in bed all night, begging both you and Hobi to tell her stories about what school would be like, what she would do, really anything she could rattle off in her tiny mind. It took a lot of prodding and desperate pleas to get to fall asleep. The next morning, you managed to wake up before Min Ja, somehow. So, slipping out of bed to not disturb Hoseok, you tossed on some clothes for work and headed into the kitchen to prepare a nice breakfast for everyone. The apartment was silent, you could barely hear sounds of Hoseok making noise in his sleep from the bedroom. It was just enough noise that you were able to remain at ease as you heard the sound of eggs sizzling in your pan.

           As you continued to cook, you heard the sound of shifting coming from your bedroom, followed by a tired groan. Hoseok must be up. You thought to yourself. Shifting turned to shuffles on the floor, getting louder and clearer as they entered the living room, then the kitchen. You felt two arms sneak their way around your waist, and a chin plop itself down on your shoulder.

           “When did you wake up?” He asked curiously. “I didn’t feel you get out of bed.”

           “About ten minutes ago.” You said. “I thought I would get a head start on breakfast before Min Ja starts bouncing off the walls.” As you noticed the eggs were just about done, you turned off the stove and sighed. “Are you awake enough to set the table?” you asked curiously. Hoseok groaned, nuzzling his head farther into your neck, the sensation making shivers run up your spine. You giggled. “Aaaah, stop.” You begged, squirming away. Hoseok grinned sleepily. “I guess not.”

           “No, I am.” He said, rubbing his eyes.

           “Okay, then I’ll go wake up the girls.” You headed into the girl’s room, seeing both of them were still sound asleep. You decided to leave Hyo Bin for a bit longer, but you went to Min Ja’s side and shook her gently. “Min Ja~.” you cooed. “Time to wake up, and get ready for school.” At the very mention of the word, Min Ja’s eyes shot open, and she sat up in bed. You had to quickly shush her before she began shouting, telling her that Hyo Bin was still asleep. “Let’s put on your clothes and get your hair all done up.” Min Ja nodded, slipping out of bed and grabbing her clothes before racing into the bathroom.

           Once Min Ja was changed in her white button-up blouse and navy overall skirt, you brushed the knots out of her hair and let it lay in two low pigtails against her shoulders. She was beaming as she stared at herself in the mirror. She slipped on her socks and hurried to the front door, grabbing her backpack and tossing it on her back. Hoseok looked up from the table to see her eagerly spinning around.

           “Look, Mr. Hobi!” she squealed.

           “You look wonderful, Min Ja.” he said with a happy smile. “You must be so excited!”

           “I am!” She beamed. When she noticed he was setting the table, she hurried over. “Can I help you?” she asked curiously. Hoseok chuckled a bit. “I’m in kindergarten now! That means I’m almost an adult-like you and Mommy!”

           “That is true.” Hoseok laughed a bit. He handed her some of the napkins and eating utensils. “Can you just put these next to all the plates for me?”

           “Okay!” She said, practically skipping around the table to do so.

           You had woken Hyo Bin up once you knew Min Ja was ready to go. She was a bit fussy at first, but it died down once you rubbed her back and brought her out to see her sister and Hoseok, who were both setting the table.

           “Mommy! Mr. Hobi said the food is all done!” She cheered; her smile stretched so wide across her face you were worried it might be starting to hurt her cheeks. Setting Hyo Bin in her seat, the four of you gathered around the table and began to eat.

           Min Ja and Hyo Bin were busy eating, Hoseok asking Min Ja some questions about what she was most excited for and she answered, whether she had food in her mouth or not. You had to scold her for it a few times. Just as you were beginning to clean up, you heard a knock at the door. For a moment, you felt your body go rigid, dread wrapping you in its chilling embrace and trying to suffocate you. However, taking a deep breath, you got out of your chair and made your way to the door.

           “Min Ja, guess whose here?” You cooed, watching her glance up from the table. Opening the door, Weong-Bin was standing there, hands in his pockets. He had a day off today, so instead of wearing his usual business attire, he was in a tee shirt and a pair of jeans.

           “Hi, Daddy.” Min Ja said happily after swallowing her food. Weong-Bin glanced at you, and you simply motioned him inside. As he did so, he slipped off his shoes and glanced back to the table. Hoseok was at the sink, washing the dishes. He had looked up when he heard Min Ja call out to Weong-Bin, and didn’t do anything except offer a polite nod in greeting and turn back to start the dishes.

           “He stayed over?” Weong-Bin asked curiously.

           “Yes? You act like this is a new occurrence.” You replied as you shut the door. Weong-Bin walked towards the kitchen, kissing his girls hello and hurrying them to finish their food, since it was a bit of a journey, taking Hyo Bin to daycare, then Min Ja to school. When he turned to Hoseok, he saw that he was wiping his hands on a towel.

           “Good to see you.” He said simply, offering a hand. Hoseok glanced down at it, before simply taking his hand and shaking it. The minute their hands interlocked, Hoseok winced. Like a snake, Weong-Bin hands bound itself around Hoseok’s in a tight, vicelike grip. Hoseok tried not to act bothered, though it did sting. A small smirk formed on Weong-Bin face; he could easily tell he was putting enough pressure where Hoseok was uncomfortable. He pulled back, and Hoseok’s hand went immediately into his pants pocket.

           “You too.” He said. He glanced at the time. “I need to get dressed.” You watched him head into the bedroom and noticed faintly that he was shaking his hand in distress as he closed the bedroom door. Glancing back at Weong-Bin, you had noticed he had continued putting the leftover dishes into your sink. It was almost totally silent between the adults after that, the only conversation in the house occurring if one of the girls was involved in it.

           The walk out of the apartment building and down the street was better because of Min Ja was chatting everyone up. She just couldn’t stop talking, and some of the conversations were no longer about school. It was just whatever came to her mind, and Weong-Bin had her hand in his, so he was getting the brunt of it. You walked beside Hoseok, Hyo Bin in your arms.

           “Are you alright?” you asked Hoseok, and he looked in your direction. “You looked like you were in pain before.” He only offered a shrug.

           “I’m alright. Weong-Bin was trying to intimidate me again with a scary handshake.” A playful grin covered his face, and you sighed.

           “What an idiot.” You mumbled.

           “Mommy!” Min Ja shouted, making you looked over at her. “We’re at daycare! Miss Yun Yun said she wanted to see my new clothes for kindergarten!”

           “Okay, okay.” You said happily. The group of you made it inside the daycare, while the kind old woman was waiting for you.

           “Good morning, Miss Yun Yun!” Min Ja said happily. “Look, I’m all ready for kindergarten.”

           “I can see that~.” She said happily. “We’re going to miss you in daycare this year.”

           “Me too.” Min Ja said. “But Mr. Hobi said I cried all my sad tears out at graduation so I can’t cry anymore! I can only be happy. Then he made a funny bridge with his hands like this-.” She lifted her arms up over her head to make a bridge-like structure. “-and he told me to walk through it.”

           “You do that a lot, don’t you?” You whispered to Hoseok, who grinned, confident in his method to cheer people up. Min Ja continued talking with Yun Yun for a few moments before you told her it was time to go.

           “Bye, Miss Yun Yun!” She waved happily.

           “Goodbye, honey. Have a great first day.” You passed Hyo Bin off to Yun Yun with a kiss in her hair. She glanced down at Min Ja from where she was, and it didn’t take her long to realize Min Ja was not coming with her.

           “Ummy?” she reached out to her. “C’mon, Ummy.” Min Ja looked up at her and blinked.

           “Hyo Bin.” She said, putting her hands on her hips. “We talked about this last night…” you blinked, glancing down at your daughter as you heard speak. “I go to kindergarten now, not a daycare. There’s a big difference.”

           “U-ummyyyyyyyy.” She sniffled, eyes watering. Yun Yun smiled, rubbing the whimpering toddlers back to try and calm her down. You saw Hyo Bin look up at you as if you were going to be the one to make sure her big sister stayed in daycare with her. All you could do was walk over and kissed her hair gently, and she tried to hug you.

           “It’s okay.” You said softly, taking her back in your arms. “We’ll see Min Ja later okay? It’s time to go to school.” Hyo Bin didn’t look like she was going to be convinced any time soon, so you passed her back to Yun Yun. It was then she really began to cry. Glancing at Yun Yun, she only offered you a kind smile.

           “I’ll calm her down, we’ll be fine. You guys go, or she’ll be late.”

           “I’ll call later.” You assured. Despite Hyo Bin crying for her sister not to leave, you had to take her out of the daycare and towards the school. Min Ja took her Dad’s hand, and looked up at him.

           “Daddy, will Hyo Bin be okay?” She asked curiously. “I can go to school tomorrow so she stops crying.” Weong-Bin smiled, scooping her up in his arms.

           “That’s very sweet of you, honey, but you need to go to school. Hyo Bin will be just fine with all of her friends.” Min Ja still felt a bit guilty, but she did no. “Don’t worry, after school, you can tell Hyo Bin all about your day.”

           As you continued to walk to school, Min Ja was growing more and more nervous. The realization seemed to be set in that this wasn’t a daycare, this was something almost completely different. She wouldn’t say it, but she showed it. Every few minutes, she held another adult's hand. Each time she did, her grip would tighten and she would clutch their arm as well. Whenever someone asked her what was wrong, she would say that it was nothing.

           “Here we are.” You said, pointing to the elementary school building. It was flooding with children and their parents, taking pictures outside the school with friends and family, mothers crying into their husband’s chest as their young ones were progressing into their school careers. You had to admit, you were choking up just seeing the school building. “Aren’t you excited?”

           “Mhm… it’s so big.” She said.

           “It’s the same size as it was when we came to look at it over the summer.” Hoseok said, squatting down beside her. “It’s really cool. I wish I went to school here.” Min Ja looked at him.

           “I don’t wanna go in alone.”

           “Well we can walk you to the door.” Hoseok said Weong-Bin watched as Min Ja walked into Hoseok’s arms, hugging him tightly. “Awww, don’t be nervous….”

           “I’m not.” She said, but Hoseok could hear the trembling in her voice. Weong-Bin sighed, turning his back away and sticking his hands in his pockets. He didn’t want to watch his daughter bonding with Hoseok when he was standing right there. But at the same time, he didn’t want to cause a scene in front of an elementary school. He could hear Hoseok calming his daughter down, mentioning the bridge that they had done whenever Min ja got upset over the summer. It seemed to be working. When you saw her calming down, you motioned to Weong-Bin.

           “Want a picture of the three of us?” You asked him curiously. He sighed. “I’m only doing it because I want a bunch of different pictures, and you are her father.”

           “Yeah, of course, I do.” He said. You turned back to Hoseok, who was still holding Min Ja close to him as managed to calm her down.

           “Hobi, can you take a picture of the three of us? I want to get a bunch!” You smiled happily. Hoseok smiled, pulling out his phone.

           “Of course!” You led Min Ja to a space that was open enough to give you privacy. Hoseok smiled as he snapped some pictures. You took some with Min Ja and Weong-Bin, some with just you, some with just Weong-Bin, Min Ja by herself, and Hoseok even hopped into a few. All of the photos made Min Ja feel a lot better, and her mood only improved when she heard someone calling her name.

           “Min Ja!” She looked over and saw San-Ha, dressed in the same little uniform as her, charging towards her with full speed. Her eyes sparkled at the sight of her best friend.

           “SAN-HA!” She cheered, quickly hurrying up to her. The girls quickly embraced each other in a tight hug, and you couldn’t help but snap a few more pictures with the two girls. “Are you nervous too?”

           “Mhm, a little. But Mommy and Daddy said it would all be okay.” She assured. You had glanced up to see So-Hee, hand in hand with her husband, whom you had only seen at the recital once, but seemed like a good man. They approached you and it when then you noticed So-Hee’s cheeks were red.

           “How are you not crying?!” So-Hee asked when she approached you. “I haven’t stopped all morning.” You smiled a bit.

           “Oh well, maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet.” You motioned to the two little girls who had rushed up to Hobi. “I still have her in my sights.” You saw So-Hee’s husband laugh a bit at that.

           “I hate to see what’s she’s like once San-Ha goes inside.” He said. So-Hee took the moment to introduce the both of you, then she quickly noticed Weong-Bin make his way over and introduce himself to San-Ha’s father. So-Hee must have told her husband about you being divorced and seeing Hoseok, but he kept it just as cheery as he most likely would have had the both of you still been married. The fathers took a few moments to chat, leaving you and So-Hee alone as well.

           “How’s having the both of them around been?” she asked curiously.

           “Oh, it’s not that bad. Awkwardness is something I’ve had to kind of get used to at this point.” Shrugging, you glanced over at Hoseok, who was kneeling down between the girls and pointing to the building as they watched some of the older kids, mostly in fifth and sixth grade, heading into the school with high levels of confidence and familiarity. He was doing a good job of hyping the girls up. Suddenly, a warning bell rang through the courtyard.

           “Oh, it’s time to go to class!” Hobi said, smiling at the girls. You looked over at them and slowly made your way over to your daughter, kneeling down before her. “You’re going to have so much fun.”

           “Mr. Hobi is right. And we’ll be here to get you after school is over.”

           “You promise?” she asked.

           “Of course, we will.” You assured.  “Then we’ll go get Hyo Bin and get some ice cream so you can tell us all about your day!” Min Ja nodded, her eyes wandering back to the school. She and San-Ha both gave hugs to their parents, and you could hear So-Hee begin to blubber up some tears as she kissed her little girl. Both girls made sure they had their bags and their hair was still sitting the same way it was when they left the house.

           “Bye, Mommy!” Min Ja said happily, waving to you. San-Ha waved to her mother as well, the duo hurrying into the crowd of other young kindergarteners. Older kids were waiting around, the ones who were kind enough to assist little ones in finding their classrooms without a hassle. You watched Min Ja walk into the school, before an older girl stopped her and San-Ha, offering her assistance. It wasn’t long before the crowd of children overtook your vision, and Min Ja was nothing more than a little fish, swimming into her very first school. Once she was out of your sights, your throat closed up and your chest tightened. Quickly, you wiped your eyes, your shaky breath of air alerting both Weong-Bin and Hoseok.        

           “Oh, are you crying now too?” Hoseok frowned, wrapping his arm around you. You hugged him tightly, and he couldn’t help but smile. “Awww c’mon, I just had this talk with the girls, you can’t cry now too.” He cooed playfully. Weong-Bin walked up to, and you felt his hand on your shoulder. You wiped your eyes and looked over at him.

           “Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to drive you to work today? It’s just parked outside your apartments.” You let out a deep sigh. It didn’t sound like he was trying to be manipulative at this moment, he was probably just as emotional as you, seeing his first daughter start her very first day of school.

           “Uh, no, I’m okay.” You assured. “I actually am going to call Yun Yun on my way to the station and check on Hyo Bin. Thanks, though.” Weong-Bin let out a sigh, nodding. You turned to Hoseok. “You head to work, too. I’ll call you later.”

           “Okay. But promise you won’t cry.” He pouted, wiping away the few tears in your eyes.

           “I can’t promise that, now can I?” you teased, and Hoseok chuckled. “But I will let you know when I’m at work.” Hoseok nodded, and after fixing the bag on your shoulder, you kissed Hoseok goodbye, said your goodbye to Hoseok, and headed in the direction of the station.

           On the way, you saw So-Hee and her husband, So-Hee crying in her husband’s arms. She looked up when she saw your cheeks were a bit red as well.

           “See? I told you that you would cry.” She joked, smiling a bit. You couldn’t help but giggle.

           “If you want to join us for ice cream after school, you guys are more than welcome.” You offered. “I’m sure both girls will be at the hip from morning until afternoon.”

           “I’ll let you know.” So-Hee said. You nodded, waving her off as you continued off school grounds and back down the street to the station.

           Back on school grounds, as parents were finally starting to disperse, Weong-Bin and Hoseok walked to the entrance. You were already a faint blip in their view by then, leaving the two of them alone. Hoseok checked the time.

           “I need to go.” He said simply, putting his hands in his pockets. As he turned to leave, of course, he was stopped.

           “Hoseok.” When he heard Weong-Bin’s face, Hoseok couldn’t help but groan and make a face of annoyance. However, he turned back to Weong-Bin.

           “Yes?” he asked. Weong-Bin was silent for a moment, and Hoseok was waiting to see what he would say. It took a moment, and Hoseok was growing a bit impatient.

           “My girls really seem to like you.” He said simply.

           “I treat them as best as I can.” Hoseok said simply. “They’re good girls.”

           “I know that.” He said simply. After another moment of silence, he added something. “How often do you sleepover that house?”

           “That’s absolutely none of your business.” Hoseok stated simply. Weong-Bin scowled, and he crossed his arms. “I made myself clear when you try to assault me at my job. I won’t let you have any control over her anymore. You won’t be knowing anything about our relationship, no matter how much it kills you. And I know it will.” He scoffed. “Also, as a business, you might want to work on your handshake.” Weong-Bin glared at Hoseok’s attempt to be cunning and sarcastic, but Hoseok was proud of his diss, turning back around and heading down the street with a confident stride in his step.

           Weong-Bin watched him head down the street, and he knew that Hoseok was absolutely right. It was killing him. He didn’t know how often Hoseok was over, what kind of things the two of you were doing together? The idea alone of the two of you in bed together made him want to punch a hole in the nearest wall, but he had to keep himself composed. His eyes wandered up towards the school building, the faint sounds of school children entering their classrooms, and first day lessons quickly beginning. The images of Min Ja hugging to Hoseok when she was scared, asking Hoseok for advice, smiling, and laughing with Hoseok.

           Yeah. That needed to stop.

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[timeless-hollywood-classics]

Mae West (born Mary Jane West; August 17, 1893 – November 22, 1980) was an American actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian and sex symbol whose entertainment career spanned seven decades. She was known for her lighthearted, bawdy double entendres and breezy sexual independence, and often used a husky contralto voice. She was active in vaudeville and on stage in New York City before moving to Los Angeles to pursue a career in the film industry.

West was one of the most controversial movie stars of her day; she encountered many problems, especially censorship. She once quipped, "I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it." She bucked the system by making comedy out of conventional mores, and the Depression-era audience admired her for it. When her film career ended, she wrote books and plays, and continued to perform in Las Vegas and the United Kingdom, on radio and television, and recorded rock 'n roll albums. In 1999, the American Film Institute posthumously voted West the 15th greatest female screen legend of classic American cinema.

Mary Jane West was born on August 17, 1893, in Brooklyn (either Greenpoint or Bushwick, before New York City was consolidated in 1898). She was delivered at home by an aunt who was a midwife. She was the eldest surviving child of John Patrick West and Mathilde "Tillie" (later Matilda) Delker (originally Doelger; later Americanized to "Delker" or "Dilker"). Tillie and her five siblings emigrated with their parents, Jakob (1835–1902) and Christiana (1838–1901; née Brüning) Doelger from Bavaria in 1886. West's parents married on January 18, 1889, in Brooklyn, to the pleasure of the groom's parents and the displeasure of the bride's parents and raised their children as Protestants, although John West was of mixed Catholic–Protestant descent.

West's father was a prizefighter known as "Battlin' Jack West" who later worked as a "special policeman" and later had his own private investigations agency. Her mother was a former corset and fashion model. Her paternal grandmother, Mary Jane (née Copley), for whom she was named, was of Irish Catholic descent and West's paternal grandfather, John Edwin West, was of English–Scots descent and a ship's rigger.

Her eldest sibling, Katie, died in infancy. Her other siblings were Mildred Katherine West, later known as Beverly (December 8, 1898 – March 12, 1982), and John Edwin West II (sometimes inaccurately called "John Edwin West, Jr."; February 11, 1900 – October 12, 1964). During her childhood, West's family moved to various parts of Woodhaven, as well as the Williamsburg and Greenpoint neighborhoods of Brooklyn. In Woodhaven, at Neir's Social Hall (which opened in 1829 and is still extant), West supposedly first performed professionally.

West was five when she first entertained a crowd at a church social, and she started appearing in amateur shows at the age of seven. She often won prizes at local talent contests. She began performing professionally in vaudeville in the Hal Clarendon Stock Company in 1907 at the age of 14. West first performed under the stage name "Baby Mae", and tried various personas, including a male impersonator.

She used the alias "Jane Mast" early in her career. Her trademark walk was said to have been inspired or influenced by female impersonators Bert Savoy and Julian Eltinge, who were famous during the Pansy Craze. Her first appearance in a Broadway show was in a 1911 revue A La Broadway put on by her former dancing teacher, Ned Wayburn. The show folded after eight performances, but at age 18, West was singled out and discovered by The New York Times. The Times reviewer wrote that a "girl named Mae West, hitherto unknown, pleased by her grotesquerie and snappy way of singing and dancing". West next appeared in a show called Vera Violetta, whose cast featured Al Jolson. In 1912, she appeared in the opening performance of A Winsome Widow as a "baby vamp" named La Petite Daffy.

She was encouraged as a performer by her mother, who, according to West, always thought that anything Mae did was fantastic. Other family members were less encouraging, including an aunt and her paternal grandmother. They are all reported as having disapproved of her career and her choices. In 1918, after exiting several high-profile revues, West finally got her break in the Shubert Brothers revue Sometime, opposite Ed Wynn. Her character Mayme danced the shimmy and her photograph appeared on an edition of the sheet music for the popular number "Ev'rybody Shimmies Now".

Eventually, she began writing her own risqué plays using the pen name Jane Mast. Her first starring role on Broadway was in a 1926 play she entitled Sex, which she wrote, produced, and directed. Although conservative critics panned the show, ticket sales were strong. The production did not go over well with city officials, who had received complaints from some religious groups, and the theater was raided, with West arrested along with the cast. She was taken to the Jefferson Market Court House, (now Jefferson Market Library), where she was prosecuted on morals charges, and on April 19, 1927, was sentenced to 10 days for "corrupting the morals of youth". Though West could have paid a fine and been let off, she chose the jail sentence for the publicity it would garner. While incarcerated on Welfare Island (now known as Roosevelt Island), she dined with the warden and his wife; she told reporters that she had worn her silk panties while serving time, in lieu of the "burlap" the other girls had to wear. West got great mileage from this jail stint. She served eight days with two days off for "good behavior". Media attention surrounding the incident enhanced her career, by crowning her the darling "bad girl" who "had climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong".

Her next play, The Drag, dealt with homosexuality, and was what West called one of her "comedy-dramas of life". After a series of try-outs in Connecticut and New Jersey, West announced she would open the play in New York. However, The Drag never opened on Broadway due to efforts by the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice to ban any attempt by West to stage it. West explained, "The city fathers begged me not to bring the show to New York because they were not equipped to handle the commotion it would cause." West was an early supporter of the women's liberation movement, but said she was not a "burn your bra" type feminist. Since the 1920s, she was also an early supporter of gay rights, and publicly declared against police brutality that gay men experienced. She adopted a then "modern" psychological explanation that gay men were women's souls in men's bodies, and hitting a gay man was akin to hitting a woman. In her 1959 autobiography, Goodness Had Nothing to Do With It, West strongly objected to hypocrisy while, for surprising and unexplained reasons, also disparaging homosexuality: "In many ways homosexuality is a danger to the entire social system of Western civilization. Certainly a nation should be made aware of its presence — without moral mottoes — and its effects on children recruited to it in their innocence. I had no objection to it as a cult of jaded inverts... involved only with themselves. It was its secret, anti-social aspects I wanted to bring into the sun. As a private pressure group it could, and has, infected whole nations." This perspective, never elaborated upon by Mae West in other books or interviews seems inconsistent with the Mae West persona. In her 1975 book Sex, Health, and ESP, Mae West writes on page 43, "I believe that the world owes male and female homosexuals more understanding than we've given them. Live and let live is my philosophy on the subject, and I believe everybody has the right to do his or her own thing or somebody else's -- as long as they do it all in private!"

West continued to write plays, including The Wicked Age, Pleasure Man and The Constant Sinner. Her productions aroused controversy, which ensured that she stayed in the news, which also often resulted in packed houses at her performances. Her 1928 play, Diamond Lil, about a racy, easygoing, and ultimately very smart lady of the 1890s, became a Broadway hit and cemented West's image in the public's eye. This show had an enduring popularity and West successfully revived it many times throughout the course of her career. With Diamond Lil being a hit show, Hollywood naturally came courting.

In 1932, West was offered a contract by Paramount Pictures despite being close to 40. This was an unusually late age to begin a film career, especially for women, but she was not playing an ingénue. She nonetheless managed to keep her age ambiguous for some time. She made her film debut in Night After Night (1932) starring George Raft, who suggested West for the role. At first she did not like her small role in Night After Night, but was appeased when she was allowed to rewrite her scenes.[45] In West's first scene, a hat-check girl exclaims, "Goodness, what beautiful diamonds", and West replies, "Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie." Reflecting on the overall result of her rewritten scenes, Raft is said to have remarked, "She stole everything but the cameras."

She brought her Diamond Lil character, now renamed "Lady Lou", to the screen in She Done Him Wrong (1933). The film was one of Cary Grant's first major roles, which boosted his career. West claimed she spotted Grant at the studio and insisted that he be cast as the male lead. She claimed to have told a Paramount director, "If he can talk, I'll take him!". The film was a box office hit and earned an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture. The success of the film saved Paramount from bankruptcy, grossing over $2 million, the equivalent of $140 million today. Paramount recognizes that debt of gratitude today, with a building on the lot named after West.

Her next release, I'm No Angel (1933), teamed her with Grant again. I'm No Angel was also a box office hit and was the most successful of her entire film career. In the months that followed the release of this film, reference to West could be found almost anywhere, from the song lyrics of Cole Porter, to a Works Progress Administration (WPA) mural of San Francisco's newly built Coit Tower, to She Done Him Right, a Betty Boop cartoon, to "My Dress Hangs There", a painting by Mexican artist Frida Kahlo. Kahlo's husband, Diego Rivera, paid his own tribute: "West is the most wonderful machine for living I have ever known – unfortunately on the screen only." To F. Scott Fitzgerald, West was especially unique: "The only Hollywood actress with both an ironic edge and a comic spark." As Variety put it, "Mae West's films have made her the biggest conversation-provoker, free-space grabber, and all-around box office bet in the country. She's as hot an issue as Hitler."

By 1933, West was one of the largest box office draws in the United States and, by 1935, West was also the highest paid woman and the second-highest paid person in the United States (after William Randolph Hearst). Hearst invited West to San Simeon, California. "I could'a married him", West explained, "but I got no time for parties. I don't like those big crowds." On July 1, 1934, the censorship of the film Production Code began to be seriously and meticulously enforced, and West's scripts were heavily edited. She would intentionally place extremely risqué lines in her scripts, knowing they would be cut by the censors. She hoped they would then not object as much to her other less suggestive lines. Her next film was Belle of the Nineties (1934). The original title, It Ain't No Sin, was changed due to the censors' objections. Despite Paramount's early objections regarding costs, West insisted the studio to hire Duke Ellington and his orchestra to accompany her in the film's musical numbers. Their collaboration was a success; the classic "My Old Flame" (recorded by Duke Ellington) was introduced in this film. Her next film, Goin' to Town (1935), received mixed reviews, as censorship continued to take its toll in eroding West's best lines.

Her following effort, Klondike Annie (1936) dealt, as best it could given the heavy censorship, with religion and hypocrisy. Some critics called the film her magnum opus, but not everyone felt the same way. Press baron and film mogul William Randolph Hearst, ostensibly offended by an off-handed remark West made about his mistress, Marion Davies, sent a private memo to all his editors stating, "That Mae West picture Klondike Annie is a filthy picture... We should have editorials roasting that picture, Mae West, and Paramount... DO NOT ACCEPT ANY ADVERTISING OF THIS PICTURE." At one point, Hearst asked aloud, "Isn't it time Congress did something about the Mae West menace?" Paramount executives felt they had to tone down the West characterization or face further recrimination. This may be surprising by today's standards, as West's films contained no nudity, no profanity, and very little violence. Though raised in an era when women held second-place roles in society, West portrayed confident women who were not afraid to use their sexual wiles to get what they wanted. "I was the first liberated woman, you know. No guy was going to get the best of me. That's what I wrote all my scripts about."

Around the same time, West played opposite Randolph Scott in Go West, Young Man (1936). In this film, she adapted Lawrence Riley's Broadway hit Personal Appearance into a screenplay. Directed by Henry Hathaway, Go West, Young Man is considered one of West's weaker films of the era, due to the censor's cuts.

West next starred in Every Day's a Holiday (1937) for Paramount before their association came to an end. Again, due to censor cuts, the film performed below its goal. Censorship had made West's sexually suggestive brand of humor impossible for the studios to distribute. West, along with other stellar performers, was put on a list of actors called "Box Office Poison" by Harry Brandt on behalf of the Independent Theatre Owners Association. Others on the list were Greta Garbo, Joan Crawford, Marlene Dietrich, Fred Astaire, Dolores del Río, Katharine Hepburn and Kay Francis. The attack was published as a paid advertisement in The Hollywood Reporter, and was taken seriously by the fearful studio executives. The association argued that these stars' high salaries and extreme public popularity did not affect their ticket sales, thus hurt the exhibitors. This did not stop producer David O. Selznick, who next offered West the role of the sage madam, Belle Watling, the only woman ever to truly understand Rhett Butler, in Gone with the Wind, after Tallulah Bankhead turned him down. West also turned down the part, claiming that as it was, it was too small for an established star, and that she would need to rewrite her lines to suit her own persona. The role eventually went to Ona Munson.

In 1939, Universal Studios approached West to star in a film opposite W. C. Fields. The studio was eager to duplicate the success of Destry Rides Again starring Marlene Dietrich and James Stewart, with a comic vehicle starring West and Fields. Having left Paramount 18 months earlier and looking for a new film, West accepted the role of Flower Belle Lee in the film My Little Chickadee (1940). Despite the stars' intense mutual dislike, Fields's very real drinking problems and fights over the screenplay, My Little Chickadee was a box office hit, outgrossing Fields's previous film, You Can't Cheat an Honest Man (1939) and the later The Bank Dick (1940). Despite this, religious leaders condemned West as a negative role model, taking offense at lines such as "Between two evils, I like to pick the one I haven't tried before" and "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

West's next film was Columbia's The Heat's On (1943). She initially did not want to do the film, but after actor, director and friend Gregory Ratoff (producer Max Fabian in All About Eve) pleaded with her and claimed he would go bankrupt if she could not help, West relented as a personal favor. Censors by now, though, had curtailed the sexual burlesque of the West characterization. The studio had orders to raise the neck lines and clean up the double entendres. This was the only film for which West was virtually not allowed to write her own dialogue and, as a result, the film suffered.

Perhaps the most critical challenge facing West in her career was censorship of her dialogue. As on Broadway a decade before, by the mid-1930s, her risqué and ribald dialogue could no longer be allowed to pass. The Heat's On opened to poor reviews and weak performance at the box office. West was so distraught after the experience and by her years of struggling with the strict Hays censorship office, that she would not attempt another film role for the next quarter-century. Instead, West pursued a successful and record-breaking career in top nightclubs, Las Vegas, nationally in theater and on Broadway, where she was allowed, even welcomed, to be herself.

After appearing in The Heat's On in 1943, West returned to a very active career on stage and in swank clubs. Among her popular new stage performances was the title role in Catherine Was Great (1944) on Broadway, in which she penned a spoof on the story of Catherine the Great of Russia, surrounding herself with an "imperial guard" of tall, muscular young actors. The play was produced by theater and film impresario Mike Todd (Around The World in 80 Days) and ran for 191 performances and then went on tour.

When Mae West revived her 1928 play Diamond Lil, bringing it back to Broadway in 1949, The New York Times labeled her an "American Institution – as beloved and indestructible as Donald Duck. Like Chinatown, and Grant's Tomb, Mae West should be seen at least once." In the 1950s, West starred in her own Las Vegas stage show at the newly opened Sahara Hotel, singing while surrounded by bodybuilders. The show stood Las Vegas on its head. "Men come to see me, but I also give the women something to see: wall to wall men!" West explained. Jayne Mansfield met and later married one of West's muscle men, a former Mr. Universe, Mickey Hargitay.

When casting about for the role of Norma Desmond for the 1950 film Sunset Boulevard, Billy Wilder offered West the role. Still smarting from the censorship debacle of The Heat's On, and the constraints placed on her characterization, she declined. The theme of the Wilder film, she noted, was pure pathos, while her brand of comedy was always "about uplifting the audience". Mae West had a unique comic character that was timeless, in the same way Charlie Chaplin did. After Mary Pickford also declined the role, Gloria Swanson was cast.

In subsequent years, West was offered the role of Vera Simpson, opposite Marlon Brando, in the 1957 film adaptation of Pal Joey, which she turned down, with the role going to Rita Hayworth. In 1964, West was offered a leading role in Roustabout, starring Elvis Presley. She turned the role down, and Barbara Stanwyck was cast in her place. West was also approached for roles in Frederico Fellini's Juliet of the Spirits and Satyricon, but rejected both offers.

In 1958, West appeared at the live televised Academy Awards and performed the song "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with Rock Hudson, which brought a standing ovation. In 1959, she released an autobiography, Goodness Had Nothing to Do With It, which became a best seller and was reprinted with a new chapter in 1970. West guest-starred on television, including The Dean Martin Show in 1959 and The Red Skelton Show in 1960, to promote her autobiography, and a lengthy interview on Person to Person with Charles Collingwood, which was censored by CBS in 1959, and never aired. CBS executives felt members of the television audience were not ready to see a nude marble statue of West, which rested on her piano. In 1964, she made a guest appearance on the sitcom Mister Ed. Much later, in 1976, she was interviewed by Dick Cavett and sang two songs on his "Back Lot U.S.A." special on CBS.

West's recording career started in the early 1930s with releases of her film songs on shellac 78 rpm records. Most of her film songs were released as 78s, as well as sheet music. In 1955, she recorded her first album, The Fabulous Mae West. In 1965, she recorded two songs, "Am I Too Young" and "He's Good For Me", for a 45 rpm record released by Plaza Records. She recorded several tongue-in-cheek songs, including "Santa, Come Up to See Me", on the album Wild Christmas, which was released in 1966 and reissued as Mae in December in 1980. Demonstrating her willingness to keep in touch with the contemporary scene, in 1966 she recorded Way Out West, the first of her two rock-and-roll albums. The second, released in 1972 on MGM Records and titled Great Balls of Fire, covered songs by The Doors, among others, and had songs written for West by English songwriter-producer Ian Whitcomb.

After a 27-year absence from motion pictures, West appeared as Leticia Van Allen in Gore Vidal's Myra Breckinridge (1970) with Raquel Welch, Rex Reed, Farrah Fawcett, and Tom Selleck in a small part. The movie was intended to be deliberately campy sex change comedy, but had serious production problems, resulting in a botched film that was both a box-office and critical failure. Author Vidal, at great odds with inexperienced and self-styled "art film" director Michael Sarne, later called the film "an awful joke". Though Mae West was given star billing to attract ticket buyers, her scenes were truncated by the inexperienced film editor, and her songs were filmed as though they were merely side acts. Mae West's counterculture appeal (she was dubbed "the queen of camp"), included the young and hip, and by 1971, the student body of University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) voted Mae West "Woman of the Century" in honor of her relevance as a pioneering advocate of sexual frankness and courageous crusader against censorship.

In 1975, West released her book Sex, Health, and ESP (William Allen & Sons, publisher), and Pleasure Man (Dell publishers) based on her 1928 play of the same name. Her autobiography, Goodness Had Nothing to Do with It, was also updated and republished in the 1970s.

Mae West was a shrewd investor, produced her own stage acts, and invested her money in large tracts of land in Van Nuys, a thriving suburb of Los Angeles. With her considerable fortune, she could afford to do as she liked. In 1976, she appeared on Back Lot U.S.A. on CBS, where she was interviewed by Dick Cavett and sang "Frankie and Johnny" along with "After You've Gone." That same year, she began work on her final film, Sextette (1978). Adapted from a 1959 script written by West, the film's daily revisions and production disagreements hampered production from the beginning. Due to the near-endless last-minute script changes and tiring production schedule, West agreed to have her lines signaled to her through a speaker concealed in her hair piece. Despite the daily problems, West was, according to Sextette director Ken Hughes, determined to see the film through. At 84, her now-failing eyesight made navigating around the set difficult, but she made it through the filming, a tribute to her self-confidence, remarkable endurance, and stature as a self-created star 67 years after her Broadway debut in 1911 at the age of 18. Time magazine wrote an article on the indomitable star entitled "At 84, Mae West Is Still Mae West".

Upon its release, Sextette was not a critical or commercial success, but has a diverse cast. The cast included some of West's first co-stars such as George Raft (Night After Night, 1932), silver screen stars such as Walter Pidgeon and Tony Curtis, and more contemporary pop stars such as The Beatles' Ringo Starr and Alice Cooper, and television favorites such as Dom DeLuise and gossip queen Rona Barrett. It also included cameos of some of her musclemen from her 1950s Las Vegas show, such as the still remarkably fit Reg Lewis. Sextette also reunited Mae West with Edith Head, her costume designer from 1933 in She Done Him Wrong.

West was married on April 11, 1911 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to Frank Szatkus (1892–1966), whose stage name was Frank Wallace, a fellow vaudevillian whom she met in 1909. She was 17. She kept the marriage a secret, but a filing clerk discovered the marriage certificate in 1935 and alerted the press. The clerk also uncovered an affidavit in which she had declared herself married, made during the Sex trial in 1927.

In August 1913, she met Guido Deiro (1886–1950), an Italian-born vaudeville headliner and star of the piano-accordion. Her affair, and possible 1914 marriage to him, as alleged by Diero's son Guido Roberto Deiro in his 2019 book Mae West and The Count, went "very deep, hittin' on all the emotions". West later said, "Marriage is a great institution. I'm not ready for an institution yet."

In 1916, when she was a vaudeville actress, West had a relationship with James Timony (1884–1954), an attorney nine years her senior. Timony was also her manager. By the time that she was an established movie actress in the mid-1930s, they were no longer a couple. West and Timony remained extremely close, living in the same building, working together, and providing support for each other until Timony's death in 1954.

West remained close to her family throughout her life and was devastated by her mother's death in 1930. In 1930, she moved to Hollywood and into the penthouse at The Ravenswood apartment building where she lived until her death in 1980. Her sister, brother, and father followed her to Hollywood where she provided them with nearby homes, jobs, and sometimes financial support. Among her boyfriends was boxing champion William Jones, nicknamed Gorilla Jones (1906–1982). The management at her Ravenswood apartment building barred the African American boxer from entering the premises; West solved the problem by buying the building and lifting the ban.

She became romantically involved at age 61 with Chester Rybinski (1923–1999), one of the muscle men in her Las Vegas stage show – a wrestler, former Mr. California, and former merchant sailor. He was 30 years younger than she, and later changed his name to Paul Novak. He moved in with her, and their romance continued until her death in 1980 at age 87. Novak once commented, "I believe I was put on this Earth to take care of Mae West." West was a Presbyterian.

In August 1980, West tripped while getting out of bed. After the fall she was unable to speak and was taken to Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles, where tests revealed that she had suffered a stroke. She died on November 22, 1980, at the age of 87.

A private service was held at the church in Forest Lawn, Hollywood Hills, on November 25, 1980; (the church is a replica of Boston's Old North Church.) Bishop Andre Penachio, a friend, officiated at the entombment in the family mausoleum at Cypress Hills Abbey, Brooklyn, purchased in 1930 when her mother died. Her father and brother were also entombed there before her, and her younger sister, Beverly, was laid to rest in the last of the five crypts less than 18 months after West's death.

For her contribution to the film industry, Mae West has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame at 1560 Vine Street in Hollywood. For her contributions as a stage actor in the theater world, she has been inducted into the American Theater Hall of Fame. On June 25, 2019, The New York Times Magazine listed Mae West among hundreds of artists whose material was destroyed in the 2008 Universal fire.

[hutchhitched]

The Vintage Joshifer Series: End of Love—Chapter 18

End of Love by hutchhitched

A kazillion years ago, I started posting this story. I never intended for it to drag on this long in between updates, but life happens and so does writer’s block. I know there’s little readership in the Joshifer fandom anymore, but I needed to finish it. If you’re still around to read it, thank you. If you want to dive in, I’d appreciate it. You definitely don’t have to be a Joshifer fan to read it since Josh and Jen’s characters are historical actors and not versions of their modern selves. There are three more chapters after this one, all of which will be posted this month (fifty years after the events that take place in the final chapter).

 Historical events in this chapter include the following:

The Democratic National Convention took place in Chicago in August 1968. Bobby Kennedy’s assassination (see Chapter 16) threw the convention into chaos since there was no longer a clear front runner. LBJ’s vice president eventually won the nomination, but the real story was outside the convention in the streets where members of the New Left protested—including the Yippies, who nominated a pig for president (3:38). Riots broke out in the streets, and protestors, police, and journalists were all injured.

Not long after the DNC, there was a protest at the Miss America pageant in Atlantic City, NJ, led by those who were supporters of women’s liberation. The New York Radical Women (NYRW) and National Organization of Women (NOW), and members of consciousness raising groups all participated. Gloria Steinem, who helped found Ms. magazine and just recently toured the country promoting her new book, was one of the founders of NOW.

 Shout out to @xerxia31​ for drawing my attention to the quote, “The version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility.”

Chicago, Illinois, August 1968

 “Jen, are you working again today?” Amy shouted through the closed bedroom door. When there was no answer, she rapped loudly on the wood.

 Half asleep, Jennifer stretched and rubbed sleep from her eyes.  She rolled over and slipped her arm over Josh’s naked torso and yelled in a sleep-choked voice, “Yeah, I have to be there at noon.  Sleeping in.”

 “I’ll be home late tonight. Be careful.”

 “Thanks, Amy,” she replied and nestled her head into Josh’s shoulder.

 “Yeah, be careful,�� he grunted and shifted onto his side.  “Someone might try to take advantage of you or something.”

 “Mmm…  Good morning,” she breathed as he traced her collar bone with the tip of his tongue.

 “Good morning to you. Signs point to it being very, very good.”

 Jen spread her legs and sighed as he settled between them.  His mouth greeted her as if they’d been separated for months, even though they’d spent the majority of the night before high and trying new positions from the Kama Sutra he’d scored from one of his friends at work.

 “I’m not going to be able to walk today if you don’t stop that,” she teased in between sharp intakes of breath.  She twisted her fingers in his hair as she approached her climax and tugged hard.

 “Don’t gripe, doll,” he said as he tore his mouth from her.  “You know you love this.”

 Wrapping her arms around him, she tugged him against her and welcomed him inside.  His long strokes drove her over the edge quickly, and he plunged into her as she gripped and rippled around him.

 When they were finished, he tugged on a pair of bellbottoms with frayed denim hems and walked to the bathroom.  He returned a few minutes later, dropped a kiss on her forehead, and left with only a brief farewell tossed over his shoulder as he walked down the hall. Stunned, she sat up and stared after him, but he didn’t return.

 “Something’s still off,” she muttered before shrugging and dressing for work.

 She’d only been at her new job for a few weeks.  Once she’d decided to take Jack’s advice, things had moved quickly.  She interviewed and got the job within a few days, allowing her to leave her job at the Tribune and take a reporter position at the local NBC affiliate.  It had taken a bit to readjust to reporting news on camera instead of typing it, but she had no regrets.  Her boss at the TV station was a saint compared to Mr. Murrow, and she enjoyed the new relationships she’d developed with her co-workers, most of whom were incredibly good-looking and closer to her age.  The field was an entirely different world than the newsroom, and Josh seemed amused by her stories.

 “Not sure what’s wrong with him today,” she mused as she made her way to work to receive her assignment and camera operator for the day.

 “Jennifer,” her boss called from his office and motioned her inside.  “I want you on the DNC this week.  I know you usually work weekends, but Chicago doesn’t get the convention every year.  You’ve got today and tomorrow to prep, and then you’re on until Thursday.  I need you at the top of your game.  These things are notoriously dull, so you’ll need to create some interest through interviews.  Get people’s ideas.”

 “On the convention floor?”

 “No, you’re outside. I’ve got another team inside the convention itself,” he explained.  “I need you to report on the mood outside the event.”

 “Is anybody going to be hanging around outside?  If people can’t get in, why would they be there?”

 “I put in a call Daley’s office.  The good mayor seems to think there might be trouble.  Police are expecting some more radical groups to be in the streets.”

 “Radical groups,” she murmured.  She’d ask Josh what he’d heard when she got home.  He knew more than she did about who would be there.

 ****

 But Josh wasn’t at home when she got there. She stayed up late, studying and prepping for her assignment, but he didn’t come back.  His clothes still hung in her closet, so she knew he hadn’t bailed on her and would return eventually. Still, his absence grated on her, especially when he didn’t return the next day either.

 She woke early on Wednesday to featherlight kisses on her forehead. Josh settled onto her, pressing her into the mattress and winding his fingers in her hair.

 “I missed you,” he whispered and wiggled his crotch between her legs.

 Grouchy from lack of sleep and even more frustrated he’d been missing for the past two days without any sort of explanation, she snapped, “Where have you been, asshole?”

 She almost smacked him when he chuckled, but she forgave him quickly enough when he explained he’d been planning a demonstration for the day at the DNC. He kissed her softly, lovingly, and she relented. She closed her eyes, let him inside, and moaned when he moved inside her. His political pillow talk excited him more than anything else lately, and he eventually came with a long, guttural growl in her ear. He pulled out quickly and dropped his head between her legs. His mouth worked magic on her. When he kissed her afterwards, she tasted both of them in his mouth. She wasn’t sure why that turned her on so much, but it drove her to beg for another round before she left for her shift.

 ****

 Jen was met by a throng of protestors and twice as many police as she stationed herself outside the convention and attempted to interview as many people in the crowd as would talk to her. She wrangled a conversation with a woman named Katie, who proudly proclaimed herself a member of the Youth International Party.

 “Katie, can you tell us a little bit about why you’re protesting today?” Jen yelled into the microphone and turned it toward the other woman. She bumped into the other woman when someone jostled her, and she strained to hear the answer.

 Katie screamed at the top of her lungs, “Fuck the pigs! The Yippies are here to show how corrupt the police and government are. They support the military industrial complex, sending our boys to die in ’Nam while they wallow in filth in D.C. We’re here to nominate our own candidate, Pigasus the Immortal, because even a pig could run this country better than that asshole in the White House.”

 Jen’s eyes widened imperceptibly, but she schooled her features as best she could. No matter what her interviewees said, she needed to remain neutral and report the news. No matter how radical or extreme, no matter if she agreed with the sentiment or not, her job was to present the facts and share what was unfolding in Grant Park to the rest of the nation.

 As the crowd around her shouted, “Pigs are whores,” she marveled at the irony of nominating a pig for president while simultaneously slandering the police as whores. Tension crackled in the air, and she wondered briefly if Josh was actually somewhere in the crowd like he was supposed to be. Admittedly, while her political bent was less radical than his, she still agreed with a lot of his ideas. This, though, seemed more like it could burst into a riot immediately and not stay just a protest.

 Hours passed, and she kept interviewing, kept side-stepping potential problems, and kept doing her job. As darkness fell, the crowd’s energy ticked higher. Something was going to happen. She could feel it. Thousands of police and national guard and military surrounded the protestors, and all it would take was one spark for the area to erupt.

 Three minutes later it did. Someone threw a rock, the police retaliated, and a full-scale riot broke out in front of her. A Molotov cocktail whizzed over her head, and she motioned to her cameraman to start rolling. She had no idea if the station would pick up her report, but she wasn’t letting this opportunity go. This was a career-maker.

 “As you can see, violence has broken out at the protests outside the Democratic National Convention here in Chicago. It’s 11:00 pm, and city ordinance says that all public parks must be closed at this hour. That hasn’t fazed the protestors, mainly members of the Youth International Party and others of the New Left, who demand an end to American involvement in Vietnam and a rehauling of the federal government.

 “Chicago mayor, Richard Daley, has consistently declared that he will see law and order maintained, and he’s backed up that assertion with over 12,000 police, 5,000 national guard members, and 12,000 regular army troops, according to reports from the mayor’s office itself.

 “Earlier today, Yippies, members of the Youth International Party, nominated a pig for president as a statement about the state of the government. Tonight, the establishment is fighting back. Expect more—”

 Something struck her in the side of the head, and she saw stars. She focused enough to see her cameraman swivel the camera to capture the events, so she could gather herself.

 “Fuck,” she muttered under her breath, careful to keep her voice low in case her microphone was broadcasting. She pressed her fingers to her forehead and grunted at the pain. When she pulled her hand back, she was stunned to find it covered in blood.

 The crowd jostled her, and she realized she needed to get out of harm’s way. Her head hurt, and she swayed when she tried to take a step. Dizzy and confused, she staggered to her left. A few seconds later, she collapsed.

 ****

 “Wake up, Jennifer.”

 The voice was insistent and familiar, and she tried to listen. It hurt too much. Too tired to care, she slid back into darkness.

 “Jennifer Shrader Lawrence. Wake up!”

 “No. Ow. Sleep. Sleep now.”

 “Come on, doll. Wake up. Right now.”

 With a growl, she nudged into the hand cupping her jaw and opened her eyes. The light from a single lamp made her head explode, and she whimpered in pain. It took several seconds for her to focus. When she did, she sighed, “Josh.”

 “You know, you shouldn’t get a bottle thrown at your head. You’re too pretty to carry off a scar on your forehead.” His eyes were filled with concern and a hint of anger, but his lips curved into a gentle smile that made her want to kiss him.

 “Good thing I have bangs,” she joked quietly in an attempt to keep her head from swirling. “How’d we get back here? What time is it?”

 “A buddy of mine gave us a ride. I saw you get hit, and I managed to pick you up before you got trampled. Also, don’t black out in the middle of a riot. That’s just common knowledge.”

 She frowned. “I was working.”

 “You were,” he agreed before adding forcefully. “Now, you’re not. You take a bottle to the head and bleed all over yourself, you’re in no shape to be on TV. And it’s almost 4:00 am. You’ve been out for a while.”

 “I took you away from the protest.”

 Josh didn’t answer. Instead, he put a bag of ice on her forehead where the bottle had hit her right over her right temple. Indicating she should take it from him, he grabbed a bottle of aspirin off the bedside table, popped three into his hand, and put them on her tongue when she opened her mouth.

 “You’re going to be laid up for a few days. You should call your boss when it’s a reasonable hour. He can call in a replacement.”

 “Josh, I need to work.”

 “What you need to do,” he snapped, “is get well. I’m going to sleep. I have to be back out there tomorrow.”

 “You’re going back?” she yelped. “Why? So you can get hurt? There are thousands of police out there and the army and Daley doesn’t give a shit about any of you.”

 “Which is exactly why we’re protesting, Jennifer.”

 “Doesn’t make it smart.”

 “I never said I was smart.”

 Before she could say another word, he flipped off the light and headed to the living room.

 “Where are you going?” she demanded, her anger barely contained.

 “I’ll be on the couch tonight. Go to sleep.”

 “Jackass,” she muttered, but she wasn’t in any shape to drag him back to bed. Instead, she closed her eyes and drifted to sleep. When she woke up the next morning, he was gone.

 ****

“There you are. I thought you weren’t going to make it home before I left.”

 Josh stood in the hallway, his expression unreadable, and Jen zipped her suitcase closed. She rose and crossed to him, but he didn’t reach out for her or return her tentative smile. She really shouldn’t be leaving town when their relationship was on the rocks, but her boss insisted they needed her presence in Atlantic City, that her coverage of the riots not quite two weeks prior had shot her to superstardom—at least as much as a local news correspondent could be. She was the trusted face of news in Chicago and covering the Miss USA pageant would give her a softer side that would solidify her image of being able to report everything in the news cycle. She thought it was bullshit, but she wasn’t really in the position to argue.

 “This isn’t exactly the farewell I was hoping for when I asked you to make sure to say goodbye to me.”

 “You shouldn’t be going,” Josh grumbled, and anger flooded through her.

 “I don’t exactly have a choice, do I?” she snapped. “Not if I want to keep my job. Besides, it’s a beauty pageant. It’s not like I’m going to get hurt again. I’m not covering a riot.”

 “Jennifer, there are consciousness raising groups all over the country headed to Atlantic City. They’re planning all sorts of protests against this—this—this travesty that likens females to cattle. I can’t believe you’re willing to cover something that makes other women look like pieces of meat.”

 He threw up his hands, and she pursed her lips. “It’s my job.”

 “Get a new one, then. You’re supporting the establishment. I thought you were against all the shit—”

 “I’m a journalist, Josh. A journalist, not an activist. That’s your job.”

 He glared at her before whispering, “Maybe you’re not who I thought you were.”

 “The version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility,” she said, her voice frigid. “I’m leaving. I have a flight to catch.”

 He didn’t stop her when she grabbed her suitcase and stalked past him. She was down the stairs and into the cab before tears spilled over and wet her cheeks.

 ****

 Atlantic City proved to be a lot more than Jennifer expected, and it made her furious that Josh was right. Of course, she was always mad when Josh was right and she’d argued against him. He liked to gloat, and she had no desire to go back to Chicago and hear him snicker.

 Worse than that, she had an aching fear in her gut that she’d fly home, and he’d be gone. She didn’t know why, but she hadn’t been able to shake that he was planning to leave for months. It seemed only a matter of time. How could she tame Josh Hutcherson, activist and rebel and total playboy?

 Why hadn’t they managed to have a discussion about their relationship in the year they’d been living together? They’d never promised to be exclusive, never had the conversation, and Jen had a sinking feeling that he was just biding time until he went back to his former life—floating from place to place and woman to woman, following the fight for the causes he supported and relationships be damned. Andre and Jackson were his only close friends, and he hadn’t seen either of them in months either.

 Something wasn’t right, and she was terrified of eventually discovering what it was.

 She shook herself as her mind drifted to Josh for the hundredth time in fifteen minutes. The action behind her on the pier ramped up as the pre-pageant sessions dragged on. She’d interviewed dozens of protestors, asking them their views on the women’s movement and women’s liberation. Several members of the New York Radical Women were there leading the protests, and Jen thought she’d go insane if she heard the words “consciousness raising” again.

 Jen directed her attention to what she thought would provide the clearest portrayal of what the protestors were attempting to accomplish. She interviewed women carrying signs of females marked up as cuts of meat; she directed her crew to record the Freedom Trash Can as women threw in high heels and tweezers and bras and pantyhose; she heard the term bra burner and twirled to spot a fire until the woman she was interviewing explained that they’d decided not to set the trash can on fire because they feared the wooden boardwalk would go up in flames. Finally, she took copious notes during the pageant itself until protestors in the balcony unfurled a large banner and simultaneously set off a smoke bomb that drove everyone from the auditorium.

 In short, she realized later when she was back in her hotel room and reviewing her notes, she’d done everything she could possibly do to both keep her job and work against the establishment Josh seemed to want to insist she supported. If she was honest, her work that day was a giant middle finger to both her boss and her whatever-the-hell he was to her because Josh sure hadn’t promised her anything.

 She was fuming by the time she landed in Chicago the following evening, ready to return to her apartment and find him and his belongings missing. If she could stay mad until she found out for sure that he was gone, maybe she’d be able to survive the loss.

 When she walked in the door, she had a string of curse words waiting on the tip of her tongue to fall, to distract her from the pain she knew was coming.

 “Hey, doll.  I missed you.”

 Tears pricked her eyes, and she dropped her suitcase. She took three giant steps and threw herself into his arms. He tried to ask her what was wrong a million times, but she shut him up with her mouth every time.

 “Take me to bed,” she begged, and he obliged. She was well into her third orgasm before she believed he was really there. 

[uozlulu]

Going to stick these here for now in case I lose the file or need it to be easier to search or something.

Notes on the ES21 soulmate mark AU fic I was rambling about in this post. Just kind of organizing things so when it comes time to write it I can hopefully write it quickly. 

Some characters might not show up, others might get added to the list. Those missing so far are characters I either felt like I didn’t have confidence in writing or didn’t really remember since it’s been over 10 years since I finished the manga. Also trying to keep the cast of active characters on the small side even though a lot of characters will be there if only in general. All flashbacks/scenes/etc...will need proper fleshing out and so forth of course. These are all just my initial ideas, which are highly likely to evolve as I go as all my fics tend to do. 

Probably going to wait until I finish watching the anime before writing it. Kind of tried to be canon compliant but also didn’t want to spend oodles of time tracking down details, so just kind of setting the goal as having fun with the AU and letting it do what it wants to do

Headcanons: 

The World Bowl VI was Sunday, August 2, 2020. (It’s where the top football teams from around the world kick off the football season with a three week tournament started in 2015). The rehearsal is Friday, August 7, 2020. The wedding is Saturday August 8, 2020. Everyone goes home sometime Sunday, August 9, 2020. They have the ranch from Tuesday, August 4, 2020 – Monday, August 10, 2020.

High school football players form Japan, pro players from around the world, friends from school, friends from college are all invited along with their spouses, partners, significant others, and kids. Family members include Tetsuma’s mom who looks like him and their Seibu high school coach.

Sena –34 in December, played for Enma University from 2005 – 2009, been with the Seattle Superstars since 2009. Starting to contemplate retiring. The Seattle recruiter saw Sena’s tryout back in high school and tracked him down to beg him to sign with Seattle when Sena finally cashed in his NFL draft invitation from the Youth World Cup. Officially been in a long-distance relationship with Panther since 2010, but really they’ve kind of been a thing for longer than that.

Hiruma – 34 since February, plays for the San-Antonio Armadillos since 2006, likes to say he won’t retire until his age is his jersey number (55). Has been living with Mamori since 2006. They’re not married, but their daughter was born in 2017.

Kurita – 35 since July, played with the Tokyo Stallions, played from 2008 – 2016, works at the temple now.

Monta –34 on August 31, played for the San Antonio Armadillos from 2008 – 2013, having to retire after a career-ending injury at the start of the 2012 – 2013 season. Married Suzuna in 2008. They have a daughter born in 2010 and a son born in 2012. After retirement, he returned to Japan and he’s been coaching and teaching at Deimon ever since.

Juumonji –34 in October, Kuroki 34 on September 1, Togano 34 in October – all went on to have fairly normal jobs (banker, office worker, advertising). Kuroki is married with a kid or two, Juumonji is gay and has a partner who works the same bank and is his “roommate,” Togano is still single.

Yukimitsu – 34 since February, never played football again after high school, became a veterinarian.

Komusubi – 33 since January – never played football again after high school, became a personal trainer.

Ishimaru – 35 in October, never played football again after high school, went on to run in the Hakone Eikoden in university, has a normal job

Taki – 35 since April, played with the Orlando Divers 2004 – 2008 and then was traded to the Nashville Fighters where he’s been since 2008. Never married. Does he date anyone? Who knows. “My brother,” “my niece,” “my nephew.”

Musashi – 35 since Apirl, been playing the the Takekura Construction Babels since 2004, still working construction, personal life is pretty private, but does have a son who plays elementary school soccer.

Mamori 35 in November, ENL teacher to small children, still helps strategize football, been living with Hiruma since 2006 and had a daughter in 2017, living her best life

Suzuna 33 since March, married to Monta since 2008 with two kids, first of the group to get married, part-time matchmaker, has a decent success rate. Hiruma = You-nii, Juumonji = Monjii, Kuroki = Kurokki, Togano = Toga, Komusubi = Kamusubicchi, Yukimitsu = Yukki, Ishimaru = Tet-chan, Musashi = Musha-syan, Mamori = Mamo-nee, Kid = Kiddon,” Cereberus = Ceru, Sena has no nickname

Kid (Mushanokoji Shien) – 35 in November, comes from a noble line, at odds with parents over lifestyle choices and is now estranged, played with the Takekura Construction Babels from 2004 – 2005, played with the Tokyo Stallions from 2005 – 2010, played with the Houston Fishermen from 2010 – 2020. Started Sports Club with Tetsuma in 2012, which is a revitalization of the Boys and Girls Club concept. Hopes to keep working and growing the club in retirement. Been with Tetsuma since 2006. Wanted to enjoy being married so that’s why they waited until they were retired from pro ball.

Tetsuma – 35 since May, his mom looks just like him, played for the Tokyo Stallions from 2004 – 2008, played for the Dallas Titans from 2008 – 2020. Helps Kid run Sports Club, very good at organizing and budgeting.

Riku – turned 34 in April, played with Enma Fires from 2005 – 2009, played with the Yokohama Belugas from 2009 – 2015, still wears the team’s squid hat merch when it’s cold outside. Retired after a horrific injury which he still uses a cane for. Runs a pet bird store. Dated lots of people, still hasn’t settled for anyone.

Buffalo – 36 in October, got rid of the dreads soon after graduation in a bid to try and fit into Japanese society, now his hair is just long. Moved to the US in 2005 and ended up doing stuff like MMA, Ninja Warrior, and UFC. Has an American wife and three daughters (ages 12, 9, and 7).

Horide – no canon age, so let’s assume he’s roughly like late 50’s – early 60’s by 2020, still coaching football, but considering retirement, proud of all the kids who have ever been on his team. He’s pretty much in a parental position in the audience seating, and treated as one might treat a dad during such an event

Saba –mid-30’s, no real wiki info, became an office worker, has one child, didn’t play football after high school.

Aiuchi Hina – mid 30’s, not much wiki info, head cheerleader, Miss Seibu, probably married to an unnamed former teammate, and probably has at least one kid

Shin – 35 since July, played for Ojou Silver Knights 2004 – 2009, played for the New England Musketeers since 2009, has many Super Bowl wins, a true legend in both the US and Japan. Ignores tabloid rumors about him dating models and singers so he can enjoy some privacy with his partner, an indie rocker who preformed the half time show in 2013. They’ve been living together out in the middle of nowhere upstate New York since 2016 in a modest house that no one really would think celebrities owned. Has a condo near the Musketeers’ training facilities.

Sakuraba – 34 since March, played for the Ojou Silver Knights 2004 – 2009, played for the Seattle Superstars from 2009 – 2018, retired because he wanted to do something else with his life. Has gone on to play in a local band that’s had moderate success around the Pacific Northwest touring clubs, lounges, and bars. Keeps his private life very private.

Panther – probably 34 (no birthday given), likely graduated high school in 2005 like Sena, so probably met Sena the summer before sophomore year at high school, maybe has a summer birthday and was already 16 when they met. Nasa Aliens/Shuttles was a travel team he was in from 2001 – 2005, also played high school football with his local high school from 2001 – 2005, played with the San Antonio Armadillos since 2005, took business courses online and has a degree since he thought that might help him keep from falling into pitfalls other pro-athletes fall into with money and retirement. Didn’t have a cellphone when he met Sena, but they exchanged e-mail addresses. When Sena went to Notre Dame High School, they exchanged AIM handles and got to talk to each other more often since they were on the same time zone. Eventually exchanged numbers once Panther got a cellphone after graduating high school. Kind of were rocking the long distance relationship chic before it was an official relationship.

Jeremy – probably 34 or 35, the kid with the glasses, still close friends with Panther. Played at Stanford from 2004/2005 – 2006/2007, knows multiple languages for fun so he’s still not the best translator. Continued his degree while playing professionally because he promised. Played with the New England Musketeers since 2006/2007 and retired earlier in 2020. Has a son and daughter (ages 6 and 9). His wife is a teacher.

Homer – probably 34 or 35, the kid with the long hair, also still close friends with Panther and Jeremy, chose to go into the NFL draft upon graduating high school. Played for the Nashville Fighters from 2004/2005 – 2010/2011, and then got transferred to the Chicago Gangsters in 2010/2011 and retired in 2018 back to Houston where he helps run a charity that picks up the slack across Texas after disasters when FEMA can’t get its act together to help people. He’s currently trying to build the charity up so it can function in multiple states.

Big Brother Gonzales – probably 36 maybe about to turn 37, biggest guy from the travel team and probably the oldest member. Played with the University of Kentucky from 2002/2003 – 2006/2007, played for the Denver Pumas from 2006/2007 – 2010/2011 when he had a career ending injury. Had his kanji tattoo covered up and started collecting more tattoos. Has also gotten the correct kanji tattooed on him at some point.

Little Brother Gonzales – probably 32, never really got as big as his brother so he never played football after high school. Had a few tattoos including the dumb one from high school.

Vague Summary:

Sena/Panther soulmate fic in which Kid and Tetsuma’s wedding brings most the gang and more together. Kind of a choose to stick together thing? Idek. See where it goes. Think of it like a romcom movie maybe?

Soulmate Concept:

In this world, soulmates are considered near-extinct but they really aren’t. Lots of people have a wide variety of soulmates, it’s just that their soulmarks aren’t very obvious. For example, Mamori and Hiruma both have a splattering of freckles on their hands that are actually a continuation of each other’s pattern, but it’s too subtle and freckley to really realize what it truly means. Other people might have birthmarks that fit together or have moles placed in the exact same places or mirrored places, etc…However, there’s a subclass of soulmate marks for those who have a truly deep bond. Those marks have a more distinct look to them. Sena has what looks like roses cascading down his Soulmate marks tend to start developing upon meeting your soulmate and evolve as your relationship deepen, so Mamori and Hiruma upon meeting in first-year were probably like huh freckles, and by second year it’s like lots of freckles but who cares it’s just mysterious high school freckles.

Flashbacks:

Panther and Sena: 

2002 – Hanging out by the river bank after practice before Panther has to regroup with the others where they’re staying. Sena’s soulmate mark is on his right leg and  looks like cascading roses except more impressionist since the mark is still forming. Panther’s looks like chrysanthemums following a similar pattern on his right leg. At the time they think it’s kind of weird, but don’t over think it. Sena’s dad told him that most people develop one in high school and he has something like he and his best friend have stuff like that on their arms.

2002 – Sena asks Panther for his number after the cat incident, but Panther doesn’t have a cellphone yet. He does have e-mail and AIM, so they exchange e-mails because Sena doesn’t have AIM. By this point, their soulmate marks seem more like flowers than birthmarks, but they’re still underdeveloped.

2009/2010 – Panther and Sena meet up to celebrate New Years and Sena’s belated birthday since they’re finally both living in the states now (even if it’s an almost four hour plane ride apart), end up deciding that they’re dating. They have a good idea what they’re getting in though because they’ve been long distance friends with a fourteen hour time zone difference so at least now they can more feasibly see each other when they don’t have football commitments

Kid and Tetsuma

2006 – Kid, being the only son of a noble family was going through arranged marriage hell. Texted Tetsuma, “Save me,” both kind of half jokingly, half for serious. So Tetsuma shows up in nice clothing (because Kid’s always talking about how people get overly dressed up to come over to their estate) and kind of just showed up during a marriage prospect meeting, held Kid’s gaze a long moment, bowed on his knees to Kid’s parents like a good wedding prospect, and then promptly slung Kid over his shoulder, and rescued him. They’ve been together ever since. Honestly probably would have dated in high school but social pressure got in the way.

Venue:

It’s a large, sprawling ranch/inn in Wyoming. It’s large enough to accommodate everyone. There are horses to ride, a functioning farm, and a view of mountains in the distance. Everyone chipped in money to secure it not only because it was in a location the press wouldn’t bother all of them, but also because it sounded like a fun time no one could pass up. Kid and Tetsuma helped organize the whole thing so nobody would be priced out of coming especially if they had to fly from Japan or elsewhere to come.

Wedding:

The wedding is set up outdoors with everyone gathered around the altar so it’s les syour side and my side and more umbrella shaped. Kid and Tetsuma enter together, Tetsuma breaks off at a full run and Kid quick draws the bouquet, shoot it towards Tetsuma, who catches it and holds it through the whole ceremony. The ceremony is kind of a mix of typical American wedding stuff said by the ordained and then the vows are Shinto, though there is no sake. Kind of a mix of Kid and Tetsuma’s love of the wild west and their commitment to each other which follows more of a  love, respect, console, help, and protect than a love, honor, cherish, and obey.

Reception:

It’s in the great hall of the ranch/inn. Lots of wild west/ranch/cowboy chic happening. Variety of food, mix of American and Japanese traditions. Kid tells the flashback about Tetsuma rescuing him from an arranged marriage. Reception ends at sunset and they ride off into the sunset together, heading to a nearby campsite to kick off whatever their honeymoon will be.

[jenniferdiazisatransgirl]

10 Years

Hey guys,

So I’m presently at work doing a night shift and it is leaving me with a lot of time to think. Sat in a building full of antiques, where it is dead quiet. And of course we are in the last month of the decade. It is causing me to reflect and honestly, to think how much has changed, it is weird to even think. And to think where I am now, that’s quite weird too.

I started the decade, January 2010 still in my parental home, living with my homophobic and transphobic Mum. I was at college who were continuing the process of getting me out of my parental home. Something my school, Notre Dame Catholic High School started while coordinating with my local LGBT youth group and Connexions. It was a process that took awhile but the consensus from my school, college, GP, Connexions, counsellor and pretty much every other service involved was that I needed removing from my Mum’s house. I really couldn’t cope.

By June 2010, I was finally given a spot in supported housing. Moving didn’t go smoothly. I tried to sneak all my stuff out with £12 to my name while my Mum was at work. I had a lot of stuff and even with a friend helping I couldn’t get it all on a bus. I awkwardly rang my grandparents who had no idea what I was planning and they helped me move my stuff and get me set up with some essentials. I still owe my grandparents a lot for the support they gave me that first 2 years or so but I was so grateful. After that, me and my Mum wouldn’t speak to each other again until Christmas.

On the 24th October 2010, it was my 18th birthday and I got a phone call from Porterbrook Gender Identity Clinic. I had been on the waiting list since I was 15 thanks to a very understanding GP who went above and beyond to support me and although he was quite ignorant on trans issues, he did his best. That phone call was a fantastic birthday present though.

By Christmas 2010 me and my Mum were talking again. Our relationship was very strained but over the years, space has allowed us to have a relationship. The trans issue is kinda the elephant in the room which we don’t speak of but we at least sorta get along now.

For the next 2 years things wouldn’t go great and I would get more and more depressed and suicidal to the point where I was going to kill myself on my 20th birthday. I moved out of supported housing into a council house I was struggling to afford on a zero hour contract job and a pyramid scheme and payday loan companies took advantage of my vulnerable situation. At 19 I was too savvy with finances still and with no credit rating I had few options available to me. And meanwhile things at the GIC were so slow I thought I would never be happy and would never get to be myself. To make matters worse, I had no friends and only really went out for work which remember I had a 0 hour contract job at minimum wage. I pulled in £400 during a good month and my rent was £320 per month.

On the 22nd October 2012, 2 days before my 20th birthday (the day I was going to end it all), I got the news that saved my life. I was going to be put forward for hormones and by February 2013 I got my first prescription. With that came a massive boost in confidence and by May 2013 I joined a local LGBT youth group and began to make new friends. By September 2013 I started university training to become a maths teacher and things finally started to look up. I was busy everyday, I was having fun, I was increasing in confidence and things were finally starting to look up.

In Summer 2014 after a friend got kicked out of their parental home, I invited them to leave with me and agreed to split rent and bills. This turned out to be a mistake. The relationship turned sour and the living situation was so unbearable I was sleeping on a friends couch. She moved out in August 2015 but made sure to turn all my friends against me as they did it. All my confidence I’d built up, all the friends I made over that 2 years with the exception of 1 gone. It crushed me.

I stopped going to my local LGBT youth group and started to going to a group run by the Proud Trust in Manchester. I’d been on one of their residentials, had a few people I knew there and it was away from Sheffield where my life had been shattered. Between university and there, I gradually rebuilt my confidence and trust in people and made new friends.

In June 2016 I finally had my surgery and I was so happy, however I had some major post-surgery depression. This was when my asthma really started to play up too. 2 new friends moved in with me. And I adjusted to trying to figure out what my life should be after surgery. I’d tunnelled visioned to that goal for so long, once it came I realised I had no idea what I was doing after and I had put a lot of other issues on the back burner. I was overwhelmed to say the least.

By February 2017, my gender was legally changed and I was issued a new birth certificate. I also started this blog which has done wonders at helping increase my confidence and I thank you guys all immensely so thank you.

In August 2018, I dropped out of university having not even completed my second year after 5 years at university, lol and £45,000+ in student debt. It was a calculated decision and I had since September 2017 made my university aware I was planning on dropping out. University did it’s job, it got me where I wanted and needed to be. My career goals changed during university and a degree was no longer a necessity but the skills I learnt on my course were invaluable and I wouldn’t have the job and contacts have now without them.

Fast forward to December 2019; I’m a cover supervisor, tutor, exam invigilator, teaching assistant, event safety steward and car park steward. I where many hats in my jobs and honestly I have more than I listed I think. My finances aren’t perfect as I am still recovering from my years of being in debt, but they get better every year. I have a wonderful cat called Mr Gold. I have amazing friends. I’ve completed my transition goals. And I have so much further to go. I would like FFS one day, I still need some more hair removal, I want to go into pastoral care, it would be nice to have a job where I have contracted hours as I still do 0 hour contract jobs but over this last decade I have come so far from where I started out and I am so happy about that. If you told me in January 2010 this is where I would be by December 2019 I would be like, “No way. You are lying to me.”

I realise this is long but I just wanted to share and for anyone reading this who is back where I was in January 2010, I just want you to know it does get better. It may take a while but it does get better.

[freckliedan]

You actually support Bernie? I don’t mean to come across aggressive but I would just be surprised if that were the case, given how Bernie is. I mean like no offense but he's exhibited racist, sexist, & (low-key) homophobic tendencies. In terms of racism he has exhibited, in 2016 Sanders dismissed Democratic voters in the South (who happen to be overwhelmingly black) as not mattering while acting as though the Democratic voters in North and Midwest (who are predominately white) did matter. (1/3)

(context)

bud i literally actively avoid all national politics that do not have a direct impact on me and that i have no way of influencing/creating change about. i'm going to do my research on presidential candidates before the election obviously but i actively and intentionally have no fucking idea what is going on with the primary campaigning or whatever bc of how bad it is for my health.

i wish i didn't feel like i should justify that health comment but i do, and i also want to share to let others know that it's okay to like.. do what i do re: politics? anyways.

i'm neurodivergent, mentally ill, and am chronically ill as well; i'm a student in my last semester of college and i work while also PAYING to work what is essentially a second job (my practicum placement through school). i don't talk a lot about my practicum on this blog, but since january i have been running two local support groups for lgbtq+ teens, working to start a group for young adults who are over the age of 18, and i've also begun working with my college advisor to lend my knowledge to a group starting on campus. i've also been in the middle of almost every single local lgbtq+ youth event since january. part of the final push to start therapy was to do better by the kids, all of whom are traumatized in various ways. up until august i was for the most part the single adult actively engaging with the youth who attend, and numbers were reaching up to the mid twenties.

the point is if i force myself to pay constant attention to horrible political news that i have literally no way of impacting it results in my health tanking and me not being able to do the work i do right now in my community! which is a Lot and which i am literally going into debt to do!

it matters when it comes time for me to vote that i be informed, but right now it matters more that i not be informed. i just reblogged that post because i loathe billionares and appreciated the visual representations/explanations of what a billion is; it's an extremely difficult concept to grasp bc of how large a number that is and i've appreciated and rb'd posts that visually represent what a billion is before. this was a new one so i added it to my tag.

it's valid that you're so filled with anger at the world we live in; i'm filled with anger too, anger and grief. i'm not the person to direct your anger at, though, and even if i were the person you assumed me to be in your asks contacting me out of anger wouldn't've been constructive or helped your cause.

[radicalstorytelling]

BLOG POST: A Summer of Poetry

I have been a poet (whatever that means) for the past 2 years. However, I have also been an A-Level student, which means that finding time to write has sometimes required more creativity than doing the actual writing. That all charged at 3.20pm on the 13th of June when I finished my final exam and entered into the longest summer of my life. I was determined not to waste a second of it. That was 5 weeks ago. If you're a concerned friend wondering why you haven't seen me in a while, here is what I've been up to.

1. Writing Spoken Word for #DarwenGetsHangry

#DarwenGetsHangry is a campaign to end UK food poverty, led by a group of young people. You may have seen them on ITV News recently - they're doing very well! My brief was to sit down with some of the campaigners to chat about how food poverty has effected them and then write a spoken word piece, from their perspective, in response. Members of the campaign will perform the piece at the End Hunger UK national conference in October and then will create a poetry-video based upon the piece to use as a tool for campaigning and recruitment. 

This project has been both a challenge and a huge privilege. The sensitive nature of the stories I was helping communicate required me to work closely with the Darwen Gets Hangry campaigners, who blew me away with their bravery and trust. I feel real hope that soon the government will be forced to face up to the issue of UK food poverty, and it was an honour to feature in the history these extraordinary young people are making.

I'll be adding the #DarwenGetsHangry piece to my digital portfolio as soon as I have the go-ahead from the campaigners to do so! 

2. Judging an environment-themed youth poetry competition From one group of youth campaigners to another!

Although school has finished, the Cumbria branch of the School Strikes 4 Climate Movement continues, proving once and for all that we are, in fact, not just lazy skivers... (as the random elderly folk who encounter our protests seem to LOVE informing me). Excitingly, it's making a difference as well! Already this year South Lakeland District Council have declared a climate emergency as a direct response to our February meeting, local media are providing regular coverage, and only last week Lib Dem Cllr Dyan Jones contacted us to arrange a meeting.

Unsurprisingly, poetry has cemented itself at the core of the movement, proving Shelley's assertion that 'poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world'. Inspired in part by the new poet laureate's pledge to use poetry to combat climate change, the organisers at UKSCN Cumbria decided to launch a competition for all school-aged young people throughout Cumbria, with subcategories for each Key Stage. Originally, my role was just supposed to be curating a judging panel, although this somehow has evolved to me being on the panel myself, promoting at it protests, and even appearing on BBC Radio Cumbria!

Overall, the competition has received 365 entries, which isn't bad for a contest arranged by a handful of teenagers without a budget! Winning entries are still to be announced, as the other judges and I are taking our time reading through our allotted poems. With so many negative messages about the future circulating, it's good to know that we can still find hope in the next generation. In the same vein but not completely related - if you do fancy listening to some poetry about climate change, one of mine received international attention earlier this month when it ended up on Extinction Rebellion's digital newsletter! (what witchcraft...) I'm about halfway down, dressed as a penguin. 

3. Helping Organise a Literature Festival

Tidelines Literature Festival is a brand new family-orientated literature festival taking place in Grange over Sands on the 17th and 18th of August, for free. They've got special guests like Kate fox, Katie Hale and Tony Vino, as well as a storm slam, crafts, and open mic, a living library and plenty more. Originally I was only supposed to be hosting the poetry open mic (are we sensing a theme here?) but talking to the organisers, I confess, I may have gotten excited and volunteered to be the volunteer liason, as well as to put together a team of young poets-in-residence, help out with social media, help with promotion and perform an hour long show (more on that later) as well.  Not that I'm complaining. Helping out with this festival has been more fun than I can say, and it hasn't even happened yet! For more information please do check out the Tidelines eventsbrite page. 

4. Writing a full length show! 

By far my most ambitious project this summer has been writing my first full-length show 'Kidz Theez Dayz'. This has been A LOT of work, and I've loved every minute of it (except cutting it down at the end, damn time constrictions!). 'Kidz Theez Dayz' is a (hopefully) powerful and thought-provoking spoken word/theatre piece about what it means to be a political big-mouth teenager in the 21st century. The show deals with everything from school life, the environment, first loves, mental health, powerful friendships and parental pressure, and is very firmly routed in our current political landscape. Does that sound interesting enough? I hope so.  The whole process of planning, writing, editing, revising, designing sound, rehearsing and promoting has, and continues to be, a truly valuable learning curve and one which has allowed me to produce something I'm actually very proud of.

So far, I have 2 performances lined up, one at Tidelines Literature Festival in Grange, Lancashire on the 17th of August, followed the weekend afterwards by Greenbelt Festival in Boughton House, Northamptonshire. If you are interested in coming along but can't make either of those dates, I'll be announcing further performances on twitter, and after that... Fringe 2020?

5. Other things... 

Upon reflection, cramming every poetry-related event, competition or project that I've been a part of so far this summer into this one blog post could be a stretch, so please forgive me for cramming a few into this one section.

One of the greatest privileges I have is being able to go into schools and teach poetry and creative writing, as I did at a primary school in Morecambe last week as part of their 'Wonderfest'. I've also been working with another artist to create a 10-minute piece of street theatre around climate change, set post-apocalypse, that will debut at the Torchlight Carnival in September. Another friend has recruited me to help organise a showcase of talented young artists, in aid of Ovarian Cancer, which we are busy planning and which I will be hosting. I've also finally had the time to start this blog! Hello, by the way.