#in other news my work recently got the same kind of chair hes sitting on and they are SO comfy

[hashileio]

figuring this out a little more

also here’s ya man @lady-of-disdain :3c

[bluemari23]

lemon tart | choi seungcheol

summary: a new cafe for a much needed date brings out tons of giggles and plenty of kisses

pairing: choi seungcheol x reader

genre: soulmate, soulmate au, fluff, established relationship

warnings: none really, mentions of an awful supervisor,

word count: .8k

masterlist

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“Right this way please.” The hostess began walking to the right, leading you and your soulmate to the table reserved for you both. 

It was a long day coming, having had trouble trying to find the time between both of your jobs to have a much needed date. You worked at his company, but that still didn’t mean you always got to be with him. 

Seungcheol had been having a lot of practices and rehearsals recently at the stadium, making sure everything was perfect for the first concert of their world tour coming up. It would be the first tour since covid, and him and his entire group were beyond excited and ready to perform and see their fans again. 

When you get to the table, Seungcheol moves to your seat, pulling it out for you to sit in. 

“Why thank you, kind sir.” You grin up at him as he pushes your chair in, slightly tugging on your hair teasingly as he does so. 

“You are most welcome, my dear.” He goes along with your playful attitude, his own grin prominent against his cheeks as he does a posh sort of accent. He sat down and you both ordered your drinks, ignoring the weird look from the hostess at your playful attitudes. 

“Shua says they have really good lemonade here.” Cheol says offhandedly as you both read over the menu. Joshua had been to the small cafe before with his soulmate and recommended it to you because of your love of lemon. The cafe seemed to be known for their lemon treats and lemonade.

“We’ll have to try some then!” You exclaim, looking over all of the different lemon flavored treats. 

In the end, you ordered a plate of little lemon cakes and tarts to share and he ordered a sandwich plate to share.

While you waited for your food, you both sipped a little on your drinks. The lemonade was sweet and a little tart, the perfect drink for the little date you had together. 

“I think you should come on tour with us.” Cheol breaks the fun atmosphere with a serious suggestion. It had been on both of your minds lately that you should go on the world tour with them. 

Neither of you wanted to be away from each other for long, but all the company policy on soulmates states is that you need at least a couple days every couple weeks to bond and keep the soulbond healthy. It didn’t specify anything about being allowed on tour with them. 

“I don’t think I’ll be allowed to, Cheol.” You repeat the same thing every time this conversation comes up. You had pretty much given up on going with the boys. Your supervisor seemed to laugh every time you brought up the suggestion and refused to bring it up to any of his bosses. 

“Well, what if I said I talked to your division head personally? I know that jerk of a supervisor won’t do anything.” He was right, your supervisor thought it was hilarious that you had a soulmate, finding you incapable of anything and thought your soulbond was a huge joke. 

“I would ask you what he said?” Your voices pitches at the end of your sentence, confusion lingering in your tone as you raise an eyebrow at your soulmate.

You wait somewhat impatiently as your soulmate takes a sip of his lemonade, slowly breaking out into laughter as he catches the look of disbelief on your face at his teasing.

“Then, my lovely soulmate, I would tell you that we need to start packing suitcases for you.” Your eyes widen in shock, wondering how long your soulmate had kept this little surprise from you. 

Ignoring everything around you, you surge forward and capture Cheol’s lips with your own, catching your older soulmate off guard. He was swift in his reflexes though, catching you and holding cupping your cheek with one hand as the other goes to steady you against him. 

In your excitement you almost knock the lemonade out of his hand before he quickly placed it back on the table. 

“Wow baby. If this is how you react to going on tour, I wonder how many kisses I get when I tell you we get to go to your home city.” Cheol’s guess would have been wrong either way, because you both lost count to how many excited kisses you placed on his lips, his chin, his cheeks, and his nose. 

You hadn’t been to your home city in a couple of years, and it would be the first time for Seungcheol to go as your soulmate. You were beyond excited with your soulmate.

After pulling back and sitting back in your chair, your face was flushed and your lips were swollen. Not even the tartness of the lemon in your cake could make you lose the smile on your lips. 

[itsjustmyfantasyroom]

Over your head

It's been a while and most of this is personal to my life. Just needed to little Nick loving.

Warnings: None, just fluffy Nick.

WC: 736.

Enjoy x

You should have said no, but you couldn’t now, everything was in place and you knew it have to be like ripping a band aid off, but you were nervous. When Liv came to you and told you that SVU was going to be getting the funds to have an in-house forensic science lab and suggested that you go and get your degree so you could be the head of the lab, it took you nearly 3 days to decide. Life had not been kind recently and you were in your era of second guessing yourself with everything you had been through and what was still to come in your personal life. Your divorce was finally coming to the final stages of being settled and you had just got the kids in a routine as a single mom, and now you were nothing but crazy taking on a full-time degree study as well as working. It was lucky you lived with your mum and the kids went to the same school as Amanda's girls, so between her and Sonny, when you needed it, they said they had it all under control.

As you walked into the huge lecture hall, you found a seat as far up the back as possible and you sat down, sitting your bag on the seat next to you. You had a little giggle as your eyes scanned around the room at all these “Young kids” doing a course as heavy as this, thinking about everything you had seen after 12 years of SVU.

You were looking down at your phone to a message Amanda had messaged you about her plans with all the kids that afternoon after school when you heard a familiar voice and instantly all your worries melted away, your eyes slowly scanned up and surprisingly your eyes met and you blushed as he gave you quick wink and continued talking,

“Good morning, everyone, I’ am Nick Amaro your professor for the next 12 months. I’ am here to answer any questions you may have. All I ask is no phones during my class, unless an extreme emergency” Nick looked at you with a smirk and you giggled to yourself dropping you phone back into your bag.

If that is what you had to listen too for 1 hour every day for the next year, you would be glad to do it. Listening to Nick talking about all his lab skills and referring to his SVU days and cases he had worked on with you and how it led him to this path, made you feel warm and fuzzy. You hadn’t seen him since the night he told you he was moving to LA, your life was already a mess from the break up and he held you on floor as you sobbed at the fact that you were losing your best friend. You had kept in contact, he calling and facetiming the kids as often as he could but you never would have thought in a million years that he would be back in New York teaching.

You watched as all the other students filed out and then you stood up walking out of the aisle you  were sitting on and you walked down the stairs. Just as you were almost at the bottom, Nick walked from around his desk and made his way towards the stairs, stopping at the bottom step not stepping up. You stopped on the bottom step, looking down at Nick, not taking them off his as you sat your bag down on the chair next to you. It was like a magnet pulled you together, your arms going around his neck and his around you middle,

“I’ve missed you sweetheart” Nick kissed the cheek he could reach.

You lent back, your arms going from around his neck and your hands went straight to his beaded cheeks, his moving to your hips, the feel of his facial hair smooth on your hands,

“You have no idea how much I have missed you. How long are you back for?”

“At the moment 3 years” he squeezed your hips “But I’ am hoping I won’t need to leave again”

“Have something important to stay for Professor?” You grinned.

“Yes actually” he paused for a moment looking down at your lips and then looking back up at your eyes “I ‘am looking at her”

Tags: @beccabarba @ben-c-group-therapy @alwaysachorusgirl @jemmakates

[maremartinelli]

ALL FOR Y/N'S BROTHER

Ben Barnes X Actress!reader

Summary: Where Y/n and Ben do an interview to promote the new film they starred in together and fans ask questions about their professional and personal career.

Words: 1.3K+

Warnings: Mention of another actor, films, non-existent films, cuteness.

Author: It's worth mentioning that English is not my first language, so there may be silly and strange mistakes. I also warn you that the "movie" that Y/n and Ben debuted in the fanfic does not exist in real life. I ended up inventing a story on the spot and taking the title of one of my favorite songs.

MASTERLIST

"Hi, I'm Ben Barnes" The actor says while smiling at the camera in front of him.

He and Y/n were sitting on a high stool and behind them was a large poster of the movie they recently starred in together.

"And I Y/n Keynes Barnes" The woman says and smiles looking at her husband. "And we're here to talk a little about our newest film and answer some questions related to our career and individual lives" Y/n placing her hands on her lap.

"First of all, we tell you that 'My Kind of Woman' will be in cinemas from July 12th in all countries."

"Ben and I debuted in a romantic comedy set in the 1970s. In which, the character Ross takes Lexie out to make his ex jealous. However, along the way they end up losing themselves in their feelings" Y/n informs.

"I confess that it was very easy to fall in love with her" Ben says and pats his wife's hand twice.

"Of course, look at me!! I'm fantastic and on top of that your beautiful and wonderful wife" The woman throws a strand of hair back and Ben laughs.

"Okay. Let's answer some questions now" He says and Y/n smiles. "Our producers put together some questions that you asked on the director's Instagram" Ben looks at the camera and leans over to take the cell phone that the director was handing him.

"OK, let's go!!" Y/n adjusts herself in the chair and approaches Ben, so they can read together. "Want to read?"

"It can be one at a time"

"Okay. I'll start then." The actress adjusts herself in the chair. "Ben and Y/n, what was it like finding out that you two were going to act together in a romantic comedy after you were married?" The woman reads and then they turn to the camera. "I thought that was a cool question!! Well, at first it was only Ben who would participate in the film, I was involved with other productions, however, it ended up not working out. And as the vacancies for the protagonist were still open, I went and did the test. And detail, Ben didn't know anything. He only found out when I got home with the script in my hands." She laughs. "But talking about the performance itself, I think it was very realistic. It was all very natural"

"I was in shock when I found out it was her." Ben gestures with his hands and smiles. "But of course, happy too. It wasn't the first time we acted together as a romantic couple on movie screens. But the experience is always the same." He says and Y/n looks at him smiling. “How did Ben and Y/n meet?” Ben reads the next question. "We met through her brother when we were filming The Chronicles of Narnia."

Y/n nods.

"A lot of people think we met in The Punisher, but no, my brother did good to us much earlier." she says and Ben laughs. "The first time Ben and I saw each other was on the set of Prince Caspian. Skandar and the rest of the cast were in a more remote location in the city filming, and as I had just arrived from New York, I thought I would go out and see some the hometown.

When I got there, I came face to face with the love of my life" Y/n winks at the camera.

"Every day I thank Skandar for having me introduced to your sister" Ben says and Y/n.

"True, it's worth mentioning that Skandar made me get out of the car and walk for a long time just to introduce myself to Ben. Who was acting with him that day."

Ben Laughs.

"Well, was it worth the walk?"

"Absolutely" Y/n says laughing. "Next question. Ben and Y/n's age difference?"

"People like to know about our individualities as a couple"

Y/n laughs at her husband.

"Really."

"Well, Y/n and I have a 4 year age difference." Ben says and the woman agrees. “Did Y/n go to college?” The actor reads the question and looks at Y/n.

"To say I did it all is a strong word. But I started and kept going." She says and Ben laughs. "I was doing performing arts at N.Y.U and I was in my last period when I went to play my first role. Which coincidentally was the last Chronicles of Narnia film. And well...I never went back to college" Y/n says and smiles at the camera when he says he dropped out of college in the last period.

"I was so close to graduating." Ben gestures with his little fingers and squints as he approaches his wife.

Y/n Laugh.

"Yes yes, my career really took off after Narnia. But I still intend to return to finish it." Y/n nods her head in agreement and Ben straightens up in his chair.

"That's right, my wife" he says and then looks at her. "So cool to say that. My wife"

Y/n smiles.

"3 years and you still think it's too cool" she taps the man's cheek twice and he laughs. "Y/n is Skandar Keynes's sister? How old" The actress reads the question. "Yes, I'm this guy's sister and I didn't understand the age part, but it must be our difference. Well, I'm the oldest sister of the three of us. Ska and I have a 4 year difference and with Soumaya it's only 2"

Ben picks up his cell phone again and then reads the next and penultimate question.

"Ben, how was it recording the sex scenes in The Punisher. Since your romantic partner in the series wasn't Y/n" Ben returns the cell phone to his wife. "Well, firstly speaking in general. These scenes are never easy to record, regardless of the partner, you are more vulnerable and more exposed. But at the time, Y/n and I weren't together yet. Well, we were dating and hooking up. But nothing official yet, and when I read the script, I made a point of sharing it with her and telling her what I felt and everything."

"Although we know it's something professional, the discomfort is always present. Regardless of the side." She says more seriously. "And when we started dating, Ben and I made a agreement that if either of us has to do this type of scene, the other person doesn't watch it. Like, jump the scene" Y/n says and gestures with her hands at the end.

"Well, whether we like it or not, we're uncomfortable." Ben speaks.

"I think in The Punisher it was the only time, right?" Y/n asks and Ben looks at her in agreement. "I thank God I didn't get involved with that kind of scene. I would definitely have turned redder than a tomato, I was so embarrassed."

Ben smiles and looks at the floor, while fiddling with the ring.

"Yeah, but it's not like that when we're--"

"BEN, MY DEAR. How about reading the last question??" Y/n covers her husband's mouth and he laughs at the touch.

"Okay. "What was it like when Skandar found out he was your love match? I always hear rumors that he was a great promoter" Ben reads and then hands the cell phone to production. "I love it when they mention my brother-in-law"

"Sometimes I think Ben is married to Skandar" Y/n says indignantly and looks at her husband, while laughing. "Actually, when we go to my mother's house or visit Skandar he always clings to him. I don't think that's cool." The actress pretends to be jealous and crosses her arms.

"Confess it, your brother loves me more than you."

“Shut up” Y/n laughs as she slaps her husband on the shoulder. "He wasn't the one who accepted your marriage proposal"

"It's just that I never proposed to him." Ben laughs and watches his wife roll her eyes and hold back her laughter.

"Heavens, you suck!!" Y/n says and laughs. "But now to answer the question. Ben and I started dating when we started on The Punisher, and when I told that to Skandar. He almost freaked out. I remember when we finished recording The Chronicles of Narnia in 2010, I went back to New York to start a new project and Ben went to record The Picture of Dorian Gray, right?'

"Picture of Dorian Gray was before, I was leaving the country to record Love Without Measures" Ben corrects and Y/n snaps her fingers.

"That's true!! Well, everyone went their own way, but we still kept in touch and talked when we could. But seriously, Skandar was crazy when he said I was dating Ben." Y/n laughs.

"It was at a family lunch, right?" Ben looks at his wife and she agrees, laughing. "Y/n had taken me to London to her parents' house and Skandar was there, and look, the boy was really crazy."

"I think our first number 1 fan was him" Y/n says laughing.

"In fact"

Y/n laugh.

"We love you, King Edmund, The Just" The woman blows kisses to her brother while looking at the camera.

"We're done here, but we hope to see you in theaters to see our newest film. Once again, July 12th will be in theaters in all countries." Ben points to the camera.

The Keynes girl leans back in her chair and looks at the camera too.

"My Kind of Woman, don't forget!! I hope you like Ross and Lexie in this romantic comedy. Or rather, Ben and me" she winks with one eye.

"We're waiting for you" Ben blows a kiss to the camera and Y/n does the same.

Author: ok, I've never watched Chronicles of Narnia my whole life, and now I don't know because who I am passionate. Prince Caspian or King Edmund??

[ramblingsofafanatic]

It's time to let go

Summary: Bahryn Fest day 4! Kallus' Bo-rifle finds his way back to him.

Word Count: 1,367

Relationships: Alexsandr Kallus/Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios

Warnings: None.

Can also be read on AO3 here!

Fic under the cut:

"Zeb I-" Kallus starts as he re-enters their home, looking forward to a nice relaxing lunch with his bondmate after a laborious morning weeding his garden. He cuts himself off when he sees Zeb sitting at the table with everything laid out and ready to eat - they usually prepare the meals together when they're both home.

"Hey Kal" Zeb greats, smiling the way he does when he's about to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.

"What did you do?" Kallus asks. 

"Why can't I just do something nice for my husband without him thinking I have ulterior motives?" Zeb asks in return. 

"Start doing nice things just to be nice and I'll stop being suspicious" Kallus says as he eases himself down into the chair across from Zeb. It's not like Zeb never does anything nice for him, Kallus is a lucky man with a wonderful partner. But Zeb's nice things are usually small everyday things like making caf in the morning or getting the heating pad out for Kal's legs on cold rainy days. It's never this - making a meal alone and cleaning up the mess before they've eaten so Kallus can't try and do them after. He's even laid out a new tablecloth that he obviously bought recently because Kal has never seen it before, which means he's definitely done something. What he did remains to be seen.

"I promise I didn't do anything bad this time!" Zeb protests.

“But you did do something.” Kal points out as he serves out the food for the both of them. No use in letting the food go cold because Zeb did something Kal probably won’t be thrilled about.

“Well kind of, Ezra did most the work,” Zeb explains, which just raises more questions. Ezra was just recovered from wild space less than a month ago, they only got to see him in person a few days ago, what could he have possibly been up to in that time that has Zeb trying to apologize. Zeb gets up and goes into the next room before returning with an obviously bo-rifle shaped object wrapped in fabric.

“Zeb, I told you, I don’t want a new bo-rifle. I didn’t - I barely deserved the first one,” Kallus says, correcting himself halfway. This has been an ongoing argument between the two, and Kallus chooses his words carefully as he doesn’t want to get into a fight again. 

He knows that in everyone else's eyes, he got his first bo-rifle honourably, and he didn't question it at first either when he was still an imperial agent. But after everything he's learned since then… he doesn't feel like he ever deserved to touch it let alone wield it for so many years. The idea of getting a new one - one not received honourably in battle but one made for him - made him shudder. They're not even supposed to be used by anyone other than members of the Lasan High Honour Guard, which he most certainly is not. 

He knows Zeb really wants to be able to spar with them again, and Zeb has explained that Kallus already rightfully owned one previously so getting a new one wouldn’t be that big of a deal. He also knows that the people on Lira San dont have the same strict rules or customs surrounding Bo-Rifle’s as those on Lasan did, but it still feels wrong to him. He already fears he's overstepped by living with Zeb in a village of Lasan refugees here on Lira San, he doesn't want to overstep anymore than he already has. No. He refuses to use a new one.

"It's not a new one." Zeb says proudly.

"Zeb, that's even worse," Kallus is starting to panic now. The thought that this is someone's used weapon - that it being left this way meant they didn't die honourably in battle in order to perform the Booshan Keeraw. How was Zeb okay with this? He remembers how angry Zeb was to see he had one, how undeserving he thought Kallus was until Kallus told the real story when they were stranded on that ice moon. 

“What? Oh Kal no- I mean- look!” Zeb rushes when he realizes Kallus’ line of thought. He unwraps the bo-rifle and holds it out for Kallus to take. Kallus stares at it in shock for a second, before slowly reaching out and taking the bo-rifle, his bo-rifle, from Zeb. 

“This is…” Kallus starts but trails off as he gets a better look at it. It’s his, the one he lost when he got caught out as fulcrum and had to make a quick escape. He assumed he’d never see it again, especially after Ezra and Thrawn disappeared along with the Chimaera. 

“Your bo-rifle yea, Ezra brought it back with him and gave it to me when he came to visit, Thrawn had it in his office as some trophy, I had to clean it up of course, that’s why it took a couple days, it’s still a little banged up of course, but it’s yours.” Zeb explains, rambling a bit as he gets progressively more worried at Kallus’ lack of reaction. He was understandably nervous. He knew Kallus wasn’t too keen to have a bo-rifle again, but he’s hoping since this one is already his, it may be the compromise they’ve been looking for. He was shocked when Ezra handed it to him, he hadn’t expected the kid to lug around Kallus’ old weapon for that long - but he did.

“Bridger must really like you,” Kallus says finally.

“What?” Zeb asks, that was not what he was expecting. 

“It’s a weapon of your people’s culture Zeb, I don't see why he’d carry around the weapon of an imperial for that long, especially seeing as we weren’t that close. Plus he handed it to you, not me.” Kallus explains. 

“Ex-imperial.” Zeb says, the correction as much of a habit to him as Kallus still referring to himself as an imp. 

“Right, yea, ex-imperial. Point still stands” Kallus amends, and Zeb’s ears fold back as he thinks it over, he wants to argue Kal’s points so badly, but he can’t find any points to make. Damn him, it frustrates Zeb to no end when Kal is right - or at least when Zeb can’t articulate why he’s wrong.

“Relax, love, does it really matter how it got back here?” Kallus says as he starts inspecting the rifle in more detail, there’s some visible wear upon close inspection, but overall Zeb did a really good job in cleaning it up. Zeb’s ears pick back up as he realizes Kal isn’t mad. 

“No, I guess not, does this mean…” Zeb asks, trailing off as he watches the fluid movements of Kal changing the bo-rifle between the different configurations. Watching Kal be so confident with a weapon of his people was doing things for him and it’s much harder to ignore now that there’s no hatred of the man to focus on instead. 

“Yea, I’ll keep it. It’s time to let go” Kallus says softly. It would be hard to argue against keeping a bo-rifle Zeb has already made him agree was rightfully his while trying to get him a new one. And even though he knows that it may not have been brought back for him, it was brought back for Zeb and who is Kallus to deny him this. 

“So we can start sparring with them?” Zeb asks hopefully as he watches Kallus get up and move to place the bo-rifle next to where Zeb keeps his own by the front door. 

“Yeah, though I may be rusty with it. It took me longer to learn how to use a bo-rifle than any other weapon, and it’s been a long time since I’ve used one”” Kallus says as he returns to the table and they resume their lunch.

“We’ll see about that.” Zeb says, and later after they’ve finished eating and cleaning up the small mess in the kitchen, they do just that.

“Rusty my ass” Zeb says with a laugh, as Kallus offers a hand to help him back up. Kallus just laughs as well as they get into position for another round.

[runningfrom2am]

kinda famous - d.s.

summary: after mason's debut album charts in the top 100, she somehow got invited to the obx3 premiere. she went to make connections- but maybe not the exact kind she ends up leaving with.

this is a repost of the same fic from my otosimt series, just making some small changes :)

wc: 2.6k

tags/warnings: no warnings! just a meet-cute :), drew x musician!oc

requests (currently closed- feel free to send whatever but it will be a while before I get to them!)

nav/masterlists

series masterlist

Not a day went by this past year where Mason didn't consider herself incredibly lucky. Her debut album saw some medial success, landing her in the Spotify top one hundred with the help of a TikTok trend to some of the lyrics from her first single. She could hardly believe it was real, sometimes. What always helped, however, was having connections.

Her best friend, Este, was a makeup artist to the stars. She worked on movies like Avatar and even a few Marvel films, but most notably and most recently, she had been working with Madelyn Cline. They had taken a liking to each other, having been in touch about every event, shoot, and movie she had been working on in hopes of having her new friend style her look for the occasion. Luckily for Mason, Este was her number one fan - and hardly ever did she have a client who wasn't forced to sit through her album while she was blending out the makeup on their faces or curling their hair.

Madelyn, apparently, had loved it. In the words of her best friend, "She was just gushing over it! She requests your music every time she's in my chair. I swear." So, that is how Mason ended up at the OBX3 premiere, shaking hands with one of the most beautiful actresses of her generation while she complimented both her dress and her music.

"I am seriously such a big fan. Este put me on and I am literally obsessed," Madelyn smiled, dropping Mason's hand.

"Oh my god, you're such a sweetheart- stop." Mason laughed, waving her off.

She smiled and leaned in, resting her hand on Mason's shoulder as she whispered in her ear. "Between us, I can't confirm anything just yet, but I'm working on getting you a soundtrack offer for season four."

Mason gasped, her hands flying up to cover her mouth to hide her shock. "No, you're literally joking!"

The blonde smiled and shook her head, giggling and clapping her hands together excitedly. "We all listen to you on set- it's growing on the producers, I think."

"Oh my god- Obviously I am so down! Allegedly, of course," Mason smiled, winking at her.

"Yes, of course, allegedly," she laughed, matching Mason's wink. "I have to run, but we'll jump in for some photos together on the carpet, yeah?" Madelyn grinned, giving Mason a quick hug and brushing past her in the direction of the curtain where everyone lines up for photos.

Feeling absolutely giddy, Mason was quick to lift her dress and shuffle over to the makeup room, where Este was still working with some other clients doing some touch-ups. "Oh my god!" Mason smiled as she approached her chair, where Este was just wiping up. She cringed internally at the sound of her music playing over her desk speaker, hearing the way she swore that the man she wrote this song about was the love of her life, and she'd be a fool to let him go. It wasn't long after the release that she ended up having to, discovering he was cheating on her with a girl from their hometown.

"Mason! Hey girl! Did you get to talk to Mads?" Este asked, looking back at her over her shoulder.

"Yes! And I have some serious tea to tell you later. Well, not serious, but good! It's definitely tea," Mason explained vaguely, knowing she'll understand.

"Yay! Okay, we'll debrief after," Este nodded. "Did you talk to anyone else?"

Mason instantly shook her head as Este turned to face her. "God, no, I'm petrified." She didn't answer, holding her finger up in Mason's face and digging through her kit, and pulling out a brush.

"Look up," she said, pointing to the ceiling, and Mason obliged as she touched up the shadow under her eyes and brushed away some flaked mascara while she talked. "You need to. You've got to make some more connections- I can't carry you forever." She teased, placing the brush back in her belt when she was done. "They're a lovely cast, trust me."

Mason nodded a little, taking a deep breath. "I just like... don't know what to do. Do I just walk around and talk to people?"

"That's the beauty of it! You're already doing it. Just show that stunning face of yours to the cameras with this beautiful dress, smile, make small talk, and opportunity will fall into your lap. I know you- everyone will love you regardless." She mused, quickly adjusting the waistline of Mason's dress. "And report back to me, of course."

"You're not gonna come? I want some pictures with you. The world needs to see the artist behind this face," Mason grinned, gesturing to her face of makeup and wiggling her eyebrows.

"Yes, of course," Este giggled, smacking Mason's shoulder playfully. "I'll change and come find you."

Mason smiled and clapped her hands together, bouncing in her heels. "Let's go together! I think I have to because I'm basically your plus one."

"No, absolutely not," Este dismissed her quickly, closing up part of her kit and doing some quick organization. "You, my dearest Mason, need to prove your independence in the industry. Just because you put out your Lover Era album doesn't mean you can't stand proudly on your own after the breakup. Your energy will draw all the cute boys to you. I just know it." She joked at the end, but Mason knew she was serious about her sentiment.

Mason's breakup wasn't fresh anymore- she was right. It didn't hurt and keep her up all night over the heartache that she had assumed would never get better. She was thriving now, she felt like herself again. "That's not why I'm here and you know that," Mason giggled.

"Of course not... It just would be a nice bonus," Este shrugged. "Now shoo! You're distracting me. I'll see you in a few." She pushed Mason away, winking at her before returning to her cleanup duties.

Mason took a few breaths as she turned around, making a conscious effort to smile as she walked over to the curtain where the crew was organizing people and sending them out onto the carpet.

Luckily, she spotted the bar not far away and quickly made her way over to grab a quick glass of wine before she had to step out. She tried to sip on it casually, not wanting to draw attention to herself, but craving the buzz and freedom that comes with being a little tipsy around strangers.

"You're Mason Bell, right?" Someone approached her, and she quickly turned to the source of the voice.

"Yes, that's me," Mason smiled, securing her glass in one hand before holding out her hand to shake. The woman took it, smiling politely as she shook it.

"Lovely. We're ready for you whenever, just go check in with that lovely gentleman by the curtain and you're free to walk when you're ready," the woman smiled, quickly taking off to go deal with more crew business.

Mason leaned back against the bar, nursing her drink still and glancing in the direction of the dressing rooms and hoping Este would walk out in time to join her. She gave it another minute as she finished her drink, feeling adequately warmed by the alcohol in her system before approaching the curtain.

"Hey! Nice to meet you, I'm Mason Bell," she greeted the man with the clipboard and he nodded, giving her a thumbs up and holding the curtain back for her to step out. She took deep breaths and focused on smiling (and not tripping) as she took the few extra paces behind a wall before she'd be in view of the many cameras she could already see flashing at the cast and their friends standing already in their full view. She heard lots of voices as she walked up, but they somehow got a million times louder as she stepped into the lights.

This wasn't her first red carpet, but it was her first premiere. Besides the backdrop curtain, they had a variety of props from the show, including the Twinkie itself, making her giddy with excitement. She made a mental note to herself to not leave without a picture of her behind the wheel for her Instagram.

"Mason! Look over here!" She heard a dozen voices calling her name and she decided her best move was to smile and wave, stopping and placing one hand on her hip and just glancing across the whole crowd of cameramen and interviewers behind the small fence. She gave it a few moments to capture hopefully enough photos for their portfolios before an interviewer pulled her over to chat with them.

"Mason! So nice to meet you. You look absolutely stunning!" They grinned, shaking her hand and holding the mic up to her lips.

"Hello! And thank you so much! It's lovely to meet you too. What's your name?" Mason asked, smiling at them and giving a quick wave to the cameras still flashing in her face as they recorded her with one closer up.

"I'm Noah. I'm with Netflix just documenting everyone here tonight," He grinned. "So, we were all excited to hear you would be coming tonight! Are you a fan of the show?"

"Oh my god, I'm a huge fan," Mason gushed, looking around at the other people on the carpet. "I was just so lucky to be invited, I was ecstatic when I got the invitation from Madelyn. So nervous, though. So, so nervous."

"I can't imagine!" He chuckled, agreeing with her. "If it makes you feel any better, we've heard from a few members of the cast that they were looking forward to meeting you."

"That does actually help a lot, thank you," Mason giggled, a blush covering her cheeks. "You mind telling me who, though? I'd love to know who wants to talk to me and who I should probably not bother." She joked.

"Oh, nobody to avoid here. This is one of the nicest casts I've ever worked with," Noah assured her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "That being said, the boys seemed extra keen." He winked, making her laugh.

"Oh god, okay, I'll keep that in mind," Mason went along with it, looking around and seeing the rest of the cast goofing off a little ways away.

"So, I have to ask, Mason- keep in mind you don't have to answer if you don't want to, about your breakup, how are you doing? Your album is absolutely amazing, you told a beautiful story, but we've all heard about what happened afterward," He said, and Mason glanced down nervously, trying to maintain her smile as best she could.

"Yeah, totally. Uh- " She paused for a second. Her ex has never been in the public eye- they were high school sweethearts, which gave her album a sense of purity and authenticity that was almost rare in modern music. With that, however, comes a responsibility to keep him out of public scandal in the fallout of the album's success. "I am doing really well. I believe my ex is as well. Of course, he was always a huge inspiration for me, and he always supported me and my dreams, so I know he's still cheering me on, which is a nice feeling," Mason nodded, smiling as Noah dropped his arm from around her shoulders, patting her back.

"Well, you're stronger than I am because I would want him to be punching the air right now," Noah laughed.

"No! God, no, I'd never want that for him. I wish him all the success in the world, which just means something different for both of- " She tried to explain when she got bumped from behind and stumbled slightly forward. She let out a little squeak and tried to turn to look what happened when someone steadied her by her waist.

"Sorry, sweetheart. Didn't mean to knock you there," A man chuckled, making sure she was steady before letting her go. She was met with blue eyes that reflected the lights and the matching color of his suit just beautifully, and she quickly recognized him as Rafe- racking her brain for the actor's name. Drew- yes. That's it.

"No! No, you're fine—I was in the way," Mason said sheepishly, laughing it off and adjusting her dress again.

"Drew, Welcome back! While I've got you both here," Noah said, holding the microphone up to him as he nodded, leaning down a little in anticipation of the question. "Have you listened to Mason's album? We were just talking about it."

Drew nodded, smiling and locking eyes with Mason again briefly. "Yes, of course. It's both Maddie's favorites right now, they've always got it playing on set. If it wasn't so good I'd be sick of it." He chuckled.

"Aw—thank you!" Mason grinned. "Thanks for listening even if it's against your will." Her eyes connected again with Drew, and she felt herself blushing once more. He just had this aura about him that showed he was really listening and really cared about what she had to say. "Not to plug it here or anything, but we're almost at ten million streams on Spotify so I'm feeling really proud of it, it truly was a passion project for me. God, sorry I shouldn't be talking about that here..." She explained, looking back at the interviewer again, trailing off when she realized she was acting selfishly.

"No, don't apologize. You worked hard on it—you deserve to talk about it," Drew cut in before Noah could speak. "Everyone stream it—you won't regret it." He said, pointing to the camera.

"Yes, absolutely," Noah agreed. "We won't take up any more of your time, but I'll let you know we're all looking forward to your next album already." He smiled, giving Mason a quick hug.

"Thank you!" She waved as he and his crew were quick to move on to someone else. She took a deep breath, turning and jumping slightly when she saw Drew still standing there, looking down at her as she clasped her hand against her chest. "Oh, gosh. I didn't know you were still there," Mason giggled, quickly adjusting her hair.

"Sorry," Drew chuckled, holding his hand out to her. "We haven't properly met. I'm Drew. Or you might know me as Rafe, I guess."

She smiled, taking his hand and shaking it. "Mason. You might know me as the girl who got cheated on right after releasing an album about how amazing her relationship is."

This made him laugh, dropping his head back as he let go of her hand. "Hey, it's good to have a sense of humor about it, I guess." He said, locking eyes with her again. His charisma was truly captivating— it's rare to meet someone in the Hollywood scene who seemed to care about anyone other than themselves.

"I'm coping," Mason shrugged, laughing it off with him.

"Let's grab a few pictures together, then maybe a drink?" Drew suggested, guiding her back towards where the rest of the cast was taking photos with the beat-up van parked on the carpet. "I'll introduce you to everyone."

"Yeah! Yeah- thank you," Mason smiled, glancing over her shoulder and seeing Este stepping out. She quickly waved at Mason, giving her an excited look and a thumbs up, which she returned behind Drew's back.

No doubt the pictures of this moment will embarrass her tomorrow, but at least the debrief with Este in the Uber home will have a lot of good things to cover.

taglist: @bookishbabyyy@madelynie, @whore-4-drewstarkey, @slut4drudy, @winterrrnight, @totalswag, @sadfury@fullfledgedemo@rafemotherfuckingcameron, @urfaveluvr, @alimaythings, @chenslucy, @s-we-e-t-t-ea, @tahliac11, @saccharinesammie, @suzyheartsrafe, @maybankslover, @redhead1180, @lovelyxtommy, @thelomlisrafecameron, @realwifeofjackharlow

(sorry to tag everyone in this again!!)

[fuck-customers]

Got a new job recently, which I love.

Sometimes I'm more or less alone in my dept for a few hours to closing. For the most part, it isn't bad, just a little boring. But, last time... this dude came in, maybe 40 mins to close, needing help with printing/faxing. He came right to the threshold of my cubicle area and leaned on/in it. (There's just a little swingy half-door that we usually keep open because we're usually getting up/out to help people anyways.)

I didn't love it, but I know that's not exactly unallowed, and he was a bigger dude, breathing really heavy from the climb up the stairs, so I didn't want to tell him he couldn't do that if it was helping him.

So, I was helping him at my station with a lot of time-consuming stuff, and he's talking me up. At first he asked me my horoscope (should've been a clue, but I have one of those zodiacs people are scared of and he also reacted badly to it lol), then he asked me about the girl who had my position before me and got irritated when I couldn't tell him where she was working now/when she left/etc. (Not that I would've anyways.)

Anyways, I'm holding down the fort, even as he's offering to teach me how to play chess, trying to see if I like karaoke, what kind of food I like, movies, etc., he eventually asks if he can sit in the empty chair--and I still don't like it, but it's been like 20 mins, he's still clearly having trouble regaining himself, and I feel like a dick to say no when there's literally an empty seat right there, so I say sure, even though I don't really want to.

So, fortunately, the machine FINALLY finished a few minutes after that. He paid and tried to TIP ME, which infuriated me--still does--I even said, "No thank you, this isn't a Dairy Queen" and refused even when he got pushy about his stupid dollar.

So there's this awkward silence and finally he shoots his shot, trying to get me to leave early to go to dinner and karaoke and was a little belligerent about taking no for an answer, like he kept on asking, but fortunately our night custodian started his rounds before close and I think that helped get the guy out of there because he could see I wasn't all alone... He was also intermingling his probing Qs with me with racist comments, so I think the custodian being black shook him up a little. So eventually he left, and I think he tried to wait around in the foyer, but our security guard shooed him along.

ANYWAYS. It's been a long time since I've had a front-facing job like this, but I remember this happening a lot at my last one, too, with the same type of dude. Old enough to be my dad, racist, bad hygiene (he smelled really bad, but I wear a mask at work so it was cut down a little, I think) and really presumptuous. Conveniently ignoring my engagement ring (which I was fidgeting with the whooooole time because I was super nervous). The fact that he was asking about an old employee makes me think he knew he wasn't allowed to be in my space or really be asking to sit in the cubicle, either. Why are these types of dudes like this, ESPECIALLY in a workplace environment? Where do they get off? It's not worth wondering, but I can't help but wonder, you know?

(Oh and I pointed him out to my other coworkers who were on the clock in the other dept and I'm planning on letting my supervisor know the next time our shifts overlap.)

[dailylesliec]

[TRANSLATION] Leslie's Everything: Tell-All Interview

Upbringing

— First, please allow me to ask you about your upbringing. My family was a textbook example of a middle-class family in Hong Kong. My father was a famous tailor who made clothes for Marlon Brando, Alfred Hitchcock, and WD Hamilton among others, so he earned quite a lot of money for some time. Since my father had come from the Mainland quite recently, he was still distrustful towards Hong Kong in general, so he brought all the money he had earned back to Mainland China and saved it there. Unfortunately, in the Cultural Revolution, all his property was taken away.

— What was your father like? I don’t really recall much about my father because I never lived with my parents. They were busy with work and rented a place somewhere near Central, where they worked. All of us kids lived at our grandmother’s home.

— So would it be accurate to say that you were loved most by your grandmother growing up? Because my grandmother was already quite old, the person who took care of me was a nanny called “Luk Jeh” (lit: Sister Six)* . She was probably the person who understood me most when I was young. * T/N: “Jeh”, lit. sister, is a common term of endearment / politeness for an older woman you are friendly with in Chinese.

— What was “Luk Jeh” like? She’s the greatest woman I have ever had the fortune of knowing. She gave all her love without ever asking for anything in return. She treated everyone like that, but she was especially kind and loving towards me. Regrettably, I’ve never met any woman like her for the rest of my life.

— And her elderly years? After she got old, she lived alone in the house I bought her. She passed away in 1990 in her eighties.

— What’s your most vivid memory from your childhood? When I was six, my grandmother passed away. My grandmother already couldn’t move her feet a few years before her death, so she just sat on a chair the whole day. She would only return to her bed to sleep. When I arrived home that day, I found that she had passed away sitting on the chair. I still remember that scene like it was yesterday.

— What about your brothers and sisters? I was the youngest out of ten brothers and sisters. But two of my brothers (the third and ninth oldest) and one of my sisters (the fourth oldest) passed away when they were little, so there were really only seven of us. I have the same birthday as my deceased brother (the ninth oldest), so they all said that I was his reincarnation. However, even though I had a lot of siblings, the age gap between us was so big that we didn’t really play together. My father wasn’t the kind of man who liked having kids around and my mother was very busy, so I  wasn’t very happy as a kid. If you asked me to recall some happy memories from my childhood, I wouldn’t have anything in mind.

— What were you like as a child? I was a bit odd. I wasn’t that childish - I didn’t speak a lot and I was never noticed by the people around me. My family wasn’t especially large, but when we had guests they never noticed my existence. I’m not sure whether I was just born this way. I was very alone and never had anyone to confide in, so maybe that unknowingly shaped my personality.

— Didn’t you play with the kids next door? My parents were very strict. My parents banned me from playing the fun things that the neighbours’ kids liked to play, such as flying kites and milk caps. Back then, you could tell whether a family was sophisticated based on the games their children played. Perhaps my parents didn’t want people to think of us as unsophisticated and lower-class.

About his parents

— It seems like you don’t have many fond memories of your parents. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Our bond was just too weak. There was only one time where my father stayed at home for five days during Chinese New Year. On three of those days though, he was drunk and asleep. That’s my only memory of us living together, so I don’t really understand the familial bonds and love of a regular family. In fact, when I grew up, I was more like a friend to my parents rather than their child.

— When did your father pass away? 1989, the year I left the music industry. When my father passed away, I was touring for “Final Encounter”, so I couldn’t even see him for the last time. It really wasn’t meant to be for us.

— What memories do you have of your mother? In comparison to my father, my memories of my mother are more vivid. In 1988 my mother came to live with me and we lived together for half a year. But… how do I say it? I was used to living alone and my mother and I never had that close mother-son bond, so we couldn’t feel that kind of familial love for each other right away even though we moved in together. I kept trying to close the distance between us and connect with her emotionally, but in the end I could only give her money and material things, so my mother didn’t really seem happy.

*Interviewer’s Note: Leslie’s mother passed away on 18 Oct, 1998*

At that time my mother’s relationship with my father was worsening and she was quite emotionally unstable. Even though she loved my father dearly, he often ignored her. Anyone who was not my father couldn’t make her happy no matter what they did. Even though I tried really hard to cheer her up, I still couldn’t heal the wounds in her heart.

— But you still had a special kind of bond with your mother in contrast to your father, didn’t you? Yes. For example, I always thought it was my father who wanted me to study abroad in the UK. I only found out from my uncle after my mother’s death that she fought for me to go there. My uncle told me that my mother begged my father many times to let me go to the UK… So even though my education wasn’t perfect, the person who let me set up such a good foundation was still my mother.

— Did you think about your mother after she passed away? To be honest, I thought I would just move on after my mother died. But when she actually passed away, I started thinking about a lot of things. I didn’t recall my memories and experiences with my mother - rather, I realised the importance of my mother’s existence in of itself. My birth, the things that bring me joy, sadness… really all kinds of things… I got all of these from my mother when I thought more about it. That’s why I’m really grateful to her.

— Do you ever regret not doing more for your mother before she passed away? *brief silence* …Personally, I feel that I did my best to do everything I was able to do, so I don’t really regret anything. If you asked my mother, she would most certainly be satisfied with what I did too.

Maybe I'm a bit traditional. I’m a strong believer in things like destiny and fate. For my mother and I, we didn’t realise the importance of our existence to each other until a few years before her death. But when we both understood that, it was already too late. She wasn’t able to be my “Ultimate Partner”, but I guess it was just meant to be that way. We couldn’t change it. There was no way to.

First loves and life as a student

— Who was your first love? What was she like? It happened when I was thirteen. To be honest, I’m not even sure if that counts as my first love. She was a very fast runner and was always training. Good looking, slim and looked a bit haughty. I liked those girls when I was younger. Not long after we met though, I left for the UK and nothing really happened between us after that. Three years later I came back to Hong Kong and met her again. The two of us went to Macau together to have some fun and it was there that I had sex for the first time.

— You were sixteen when you lost your virginity? Wasn’t that quite young for your time? Hm, I guess so. But at that time we felt that we loved each other so we just naturally took that step.

— “At that time”? Does that mean you later found out you didn’t actually love each other? Put it this way. We slowly found out that we didn’t look at problems the same way or have the same worldview. Eventually, she got married to one of my classmates and they even had kids. We bumped into each other last year, but we just chatted for a bit before going our separate ways.

— Do you still think about her a lot? No, no. I think she lives overseas now. Either way, even if I saw her right here right now, I don’t really have any special feelings for her anymore.

— You must have been very popular with the girls when you were still in school. You mean me? *very blunt* Not at all. I didn’t even think about if girls would like me. Even though my friends and classmates really wanted to win the affection of girls, I didn’t really feel that way. I was just really invested in sports like netball and volleyball.

— Are you an introvert then? Maybe. At the very least, I’m definitely not an extrovert. *laughs*

Dream Job

— As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? I actually had two dreams. First, I wanted to be a doctor. But I inherited shaky hands, so that was out of the question. I also wanted to be a pilot, but I was scared, so that was out of the question too. *laughs* Even now when I’m on a plane and there’s turbulence, I get scared.

— And now? What’s your current dream job? I want to be an interior designer or some kind of art critic. I’m really interested in that kind of stuff. Also, I really really want to be a very talented pianist. The piano really is an amazing invention. If you’re stressed, you can just play the piano and all your worries go away.

I especially want to play the piano because I compose my own songs now. But I guess if I was actually able to play the piano, maybe I wouldn’t be able to compose songs freely! 

— It’s not too late to start learning how to play the piano! No, no. I couldn’t before, I can’t now, and I can’t in the future… my left and right hand aren’t the same. When I was 22, I had two tumours on the back of my left wrist and the bone of my left hand. I even had surgery done for it. Because of this, my left hand slowly became smaller and couldn’t exert much force. I did a lot of stuff to keep it balanced with my right hand and it looks mostly normal now, but my left hand is still quite weak.

Studying in the UK

— You went to study in the UK when you were only 13. Did you want that for yourself? Or was it just your parents’ wishes? Of course I wanted it for myself. I had good grades in primary school, but they slid straight down when I got to secondary school because I was terrible at maths. In secondary school, there was algebra and all kinds of weird stuff. The material suddenly became much more difficult. I was always a humanities type of guy. I excelled in subjects like literature and music, but I was horrible at science subjects and maths. I wasn’t good at theoretical and sciencey stuff. I heard that the maths was much easier overseas: Oh, so there’s a way out! That’s what I thought at the time. *laughs*

— And was the maths in the UK really easy? Yeah. Even I managed to get by. My best subject was English Literature. I was the best at it in my grade and even got a prize for it.

— And which writer did you specialise in studying? DH Lawrence and Shakespeare. I loved reading poems even when I was in Hong Kong and I even won prizes for reciting them in a few competitions. I’m the type of person who’s really good at distinguishing between what I’m good at and what I’m bad at.

— You mentioned earlier that you want to be an interior designer. But wouldn’t that be difficult if you’re not good at maths? Yeah. Honestly, I’m really interested in architecture and design, but if you actually let me design a home, it might all fall apart really quickly. So if I were to actually become an interior designer, I can only work on the decorations and arrangements. *laughs* Stuff like this piece of furniture should go here, that kind of furniture should go with this decoration… That’s about the extent of my capabilities. I’d get in trouble if I did anything else. *laughs again*

— I noticed that you didn’t study literature in university. Yeah. I majored in textile management. That was my father’s wish. As a father, it’s only natural for you to want your children to learn something related to your own career. Unfortunately, half of my father's body became paralysed because of his drinking habits before I could graduate. I was therefore suddenly told to come back to Hong Kong, so that ended in failure.

Becoming a singer and idol

— When you came back to Hong Kong you joined RTV (now ATV)’s singing contest. What was that like? ​I often sang at the place my friends worked at when I was in the UK. When I came back to Hong Kong, I found that English songs were quite popular so I wanted to see if I could break into the industry. To be honest, I was half goofing around. I never thought about becoming a singer.

— But you got second place and signed a contract with RTV… I did, but I didn't become popular instantly. From 1977 when I debuted until I released “Monica” in 1983, I was pretty much a nobody. During that time I sang English songs and wore jeans and sweatshirts, but the trend back then was for people to wear suits and sing seriously. I was young and had a baby face. Maybe I just didn’t fit the requirements for an idol of that time.

— Do you have any unforgettable memories from that time? Oh, I have a lot. I can think of one incident that was the most painful - no, miserable for me. One time, I was a performer at a concert where a lot of famous singers were performing. When it was my turn to go on stage, I threw my hat into the crowd. No one caught it - in fact, they tossed it back! That was so cruel. *laughs* There was a time when I had to go through stuff like that. Now I’m almost nostalgic for it, but I was pretty incensed about it back then.

— On the other hand, you started playing major roles quite early on in your acting career. Were you always interested in becoming an actor? I’ve always been interested in acting. I was lucky that as soon as I started out, I was already playing the main characters. If my memory serves me well, my first movie was released in 1979. It was a comedy with some… slightly sexual parts. But because I didn’t really have a choice in the roles I played, I took on all sorts of roles. I was young and wanted to earn some money, so I just acted in everything. Even though I can’t be proud of some of my parts, I don’t regret anything. That’s how people mature along with time.

— Are there any of your movies that you wouldn’t want to watch again? No, actually. But when I see some of my older films, I feel bad just thinking about my situation at the time. Back then, I never had over HKD$1000 in my bank account. I kept thinking, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a thousand dollars…”

— Didn’t you feel disheartened during those seven years of being a nobody? To be honest, I never found that period long. The reason I say this is because the entertainment industry at the time didn’t really have anyone who became a star the moment they debuted. It was practically common sense that it’d take ten or so years to become a star.

— So did you believe that one day you’d become a star too? Hmm, how do I say this? Even though I wasn’t totally sure that it would happen, I was always waiting for an opportunity to arrive. The stars at the time like Sam Hui, Roman Tam and George Lam influenced me heavily too. In Hong Kong though, it’s impossible to become famous or popular just by copying others. You can’t become a star without your own speciality or being unique.

— Were you influenced a lot by Japanese idols? A lot. I feel like I’m more influenced by Japanese singers than local ones. Hideki Saijo, Kenji Sawada, Mayumi Itsuwa… and especially Momoe Yamaguchi, all influenced me heavily. My version of her song, “The Wind Blows On” was certified gold. “Monica” did even better and was certified platinum. To me though, “The Wind Blows On” was more impactful. That’s why I put the gold record in my coffee shop as a decoration.

— From that moment onwards, you became an extremely popular idol. What was the life of an idol like? I was much busier back then than I am now. As someone who was both acting and singing, my work was mostly for my singing career. Also, the need to win awards was much stronger… like a “hungry artist”. Whatever opportunity arose, be it an advertisement or a performance overseas, I would take it. At the time I was just constantly in an emotionally taut state. An idol’s life isn’t as happy as people think it is. To satisfy the audience, you have to constantly be charming and handsome. For the audience, for your fans… I kept thinking like that and slowly lost my sense of self. It was like I wasn’t myself anymore.

About Mr Tong

— Do you think your personality is suitable for being a celebrity? I think so. I’m not really a fan of a fixed work schedule and job, but in this industry, the people around me all help me and I decide the rules for my own game. Of course, as an idol, sometimes your privacy gets violated which isn’t a pleasant feeling. But I’ve never liked jobs with rigorous schedules. As an artist, as long as you put out good work, you can create the rules. That was really attractive to me.

— Are you bothered by gossip? I’ve gotten much better at dealing with it. I think it’s because my fans don’t believe in all those unverified news articles springing up everywhere - rather, they believe in me and my integrity. People who believe in gossip won’t believe me no matter what I say.  So there’s really not much use in being bothered by gossip. In the end, people will believe what they want to believe.

— Even though you say that, it must make you uncomfortable. They have no right to say those things… Well, of course I’ll feel uncomfortable. When talking about my mother’s funeral a while ago, the press chose to put the spotlight on Mr Tong (Daffy) rather than my mother’s death. I thought that was really unfair and it showed no respect for the dead. Even though I’m an artist and it’s only normal for people to write about me, I can’t tolerate people writing all kinds of rubbish about my siblings and my friends. They shouldn’t be the target of the media’s abuse. I really want to protect them, and I feel that I have the ability to do so as well.

— To you, what’s Mr Tong’s position in your life? He’s my best friend. I can tell him everything. He’s like a little brother to me. We’ve known each other since we were young, my mother was his godmother [Interviewer’s Note: In China, apart from biological parents, people have the habit of getting godparents 乾爸媽 for their children’s future. People treat their godparents like their own relatives.] Especially after his family moved to the US… he was just like a member of our family.

I think I’ll be indebted to him for the rest of my life. Before I became famous, I urgently needed a good amount of money because of a certain incident. I think that was the toughest time of my life. He didn’t say anything and just found a way to get the amount of money. That was worth months of his income. I only heard through the grapevine later that he ate only the cheapest takeout for lunch every day afterwards because of how costly it was for him. He was the only friend who treated me so well in my hour of need. So I’ll always treat him like my lifelong friend. He’s not just one of my friends. To me, he’s a very special, very important friend.

— The media has been speculating a lot about your relationship with Mr Tong. What do you think about that? I really hate it. I’m okay with it, but he’s just a normal guy. Yet the reporters chase him all around Hong Kong and take all kinds of pictures. It even disrupts him from doing his job… I really feel ashamed about it.

It’s the same for my brothers and sisters. Don’t write all kinds of rubbish just because one of my siblings is getting divorced. I’m alright with the press writing whatever about me, but I really don’t want you all to write about my family and friends. That’s just not fair!

On dating and marriage

— Let’s talk more about you. People say that a big part of your charm is your mysteriousness… That’s because I don’t talk about my personal business in public and I rarely make news for the press. How meaningless would it be if I just exposed everything about myself? Of course, I’m not saying I shut myself in at home every day and hide from everyone. The reason why I opened up a coffee shop was so that I could create a place where I could meet my fans. As long as you bump into me, I’ll sign an autograph for you and we can even take pictures together. My door is always open.

However, I don’t want to publicise my home, my life, and my friends and family. I just want to keep my privacy. There’s always someone asking, “Don’t you want to get married?”! That’s my own personal business. I don’t think there’s a need for me to answer that question. ​ — But as your fans, it’s only natural for them to care. They’ll think, “Why can’t, or rather won’t, a guy as charming as Leslie get married?” Do you really want to know that badly? *laughs* To put it simply, I’ve never had any dreams about getting married. I don’t dare to believe in marriage. There’s a lot of divorcees in my family. My parents didn’t have a good relationship and I grew up seeing multiple of my siblings going through divorces. So I’m not really confident in the idea of marriage. I don’t have a good impression of it. So maybe I’ll never get married (asks the interviewer) Are you married? Do you have a good relationship with your husband? Have you considered getting a divorce? (asks very quickly)

However, although I may never get married, I still care a lot about my family. Ever since I was young I didn’t really have a relationship with my home and relatives, so now I really care about “home”. I only put things I like in my home - I want to create a space where it’s okay to relax.

Above: Leslie Cheung and Teresa Mo for All's Well, Ends Well (1992)

— Have you really never thought about getting married? I have! That was when I was still very young. I think at the time I was only 22. She was a little older than me and we considered the idea of marriage very seriously. But out of the blue, she suddenly started acting very oddly and it was like her wires were crossed. I didn’t really know why, and at the time I was still young; in short, it was a really difficult ending.

— So you never seriously considered getting married after that? I didn’t. It’s almost definitely because my standards are too high. I’m really strict towards myself and everyone else. A normal person might be satisfied with 70% perfection, but I’d only be satisfied at around 95%. So something that’s normally satisfactory becomes unsatisfactory in my eyes. Tong always tells me, “You’re a perfectionist. Even if it’s really great, you’re still not satisfied, so I really pity you.” But when I look at him, even if it’s something very small, he's really touched and happy, so sometimes I really envy that. But I still can’t lower my standards.

— Even towards women? Hmm, you could say that if I like someone, I’ll have a lot of expectations towards them, which ends up in disappointment. I’m scared of that kind of disappointment. Besides, I’m 42 now - I’m at the age cap for liking someone! Even if a 20-year-old girl was in love with me and I liked her too, considering my age and my own personal stance, I know we can’t end up together based on feelings alone. Problems regarding the future, our environment… there are just too many problems to consider. As you get older, apart from becoming more demanding, you also lose more of your passion and vigour, so it’s kind of difficult.

— Even though you say that,  there are definitely plenty of women who like you. I don’t know… at this age, you can’t just fall in love! For example, if a girl told me “I love you,” I’d have to think: “Huh. Why is that?” *laughs* Really! I get scared just considering things about the future. Because for two people to coexist together, apart from love, you have to understand each other in all aspects, such as your personality, way of thinking, lifestyle… Take me and my mother as an example. Even though we’re mother and son, living together suddenly after being apart for so many years and trying to understand each other was really difficult. Of course, it’d be best if we could love each other from the bottom of our hearts and fully understand each other…

— It seems like your emotional state is really important in making a decision like this. Of course. As long as your hearts and souls are connected, even making love isn’t important. Of course, I don’t want to deny its importance either! *laughs*

— May I ask who you love most right now? Talking about who I love most… probably myself. If you’re talking about people other than myself, I guess you could say that as long as I truly like them, it doesn’t matter whether they’re male or female.

— So you’re bisexual? I’m trying to say that if someone loves me and I love them back, their gender doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter how I say it, I won’t be able to find that kind of happiness anyways. If you’re okay with both men and women, your chances are doubled. What’s not to like? *laughs*

As a superstar

— In “Farewell My Concubine” and “Happy Together”, as well as your provocative dancing in red heels during your 97 concert… These are a series of explorations past your own gender. Are you trying to send a certain message? No, they don’t have any special correlation. I’m not trying to send any particular message either. In “Farewell My Concubine”, Director Chen Kaige told me I had been mostly playing handsome young men. I had a pretty stable image, so he wanted me to be able to play a cute woman too as an actor. As for “Happy Together”, it was because homosexuality was a hot topic back then, so I thought maybe it’d be interesting to play a gay man. 

​For my concert, it was because I needed a little excitement. That wasn’t my idea though - it was the designer in charge of costumes and arts. David Bowie’s feminine performance on stage had a huge impact, so he said it would be very meaningful to do it in Asia too.

Actually, our original intention was to do Beijing Opera. But the clothing and makeup would be quite a hassle, so we wanted to find something that could replace it. We thought of putting on red lipstick based on the theme of the song “Red”, but the Hung Hom Coliseum is huge. You wouldn’t be able to see the lipstick all the way up in the spectator’s stand, so I just wore red heels instead.

— Watching your concerts or films makes people feel you’re very self-absorbed*. Are you that way in real life as well? I do play a lot of narcissists in my films. For myself, how do I… *thinks for a rather long time* In my movies or concerts, I hope to show the audience the best me. But outside of work, I don’t even look at the mirror, and I don’t really care about my own appearance. At the very least, I’m not the type of person who likes hanging their own photos in their home or in the shop. * T/N: The word used in the original is 自我陶醉 (literally drunk by yourself). It does not necessarily have a negative connotation and is used to refer to when someone is very absorbed in what they are doing, and is enjoying it a lot. The term can also be translated as narcissistic depending on the context.

— But objectively you are quite handsome. What do you think when you see your reflection in the mirror? “Wow, he’s so handsome!” *laughs so hard he bends over* No, no, I’m just joking. You can’t really judge your own appearance objectively.

​Think about it, it’s just a face you’re used to seeing since birth.

For a long time, people who don’t know me well have said I’m “pampered”, “cool”, “efficient”... to be honest, that’s not even true. I just like saying whatever pops into my head, so people think I’m a stuck up guy. Chinese people generally beat around the bush and avoid directness to be polite. For a guy like me who just says everything directly, it’s easy to get into trouble. But I guess that has nothing to do with being self absorbed.

— People describe your charm in a lot of ways, like “cute”, “handsome”, and “sexy”... which word makes you the happiest? Coming from my fans, it doesn’t matter if the word is cute, handsome or sexy - I’ll be happy either way. But if it’s someone who knows me well, then I won’t be happy with any of those words. There’s nothing worth being happy about when you’re only praised for your looks.

— So what descriptor makes you the happiest? “Good fellow”, probably? Among all the words of praise, this one moves me most.

— Is Leslie Cheung the superstar actually you? Or is it a persona you've played as and released to be a marketable product? Oh, this is a difficult question. I don't really feel that I'm consciously playing a role, so I guess it should be me. There's no gap between me and "actor Leslie". *asks the interviewer* Don't you think that's my worth in a film? Also, I feel like the potential and talent needed to be a star are qualities that I possess.

Actually, people are just like kaleidoscopes. It's impossible to only show people one side of yourself. But whether it's fans or the media, they tend to only look at one side of us and make judgements based on what they look at, which creates all kinds of misconceptions. The fans tend to only like looking at the almost mythical parts of their favourite celebrities. The media also tends to make mountains out of molehills when they don't have the full picture. But the truth is, those are only variations in the pattern of the kaleidoscope.

— You could say that the job of a superstar is to sell variations in the kaleidoscope’s pattern, so it should be quite high-stress. What do you do when you feel that your stress has reached its limit? Yeah, so it’s actually really important to relax yourself. For me, I choose to go on holiday. I go somewhere no one knows me. Lately I’ve fallen in love with hot springs.

— You already have things that most people want. Positions, reputation, money, beauty, charm… If there’s something missing, what would you say it is? *thinks for a moment* Maybe education? Because I quit halfway in university. It would have been nice if I studied more during that time. If it’s possible I’d like to study all the way up to a doctorate. There’s too much that can only be learnt during your student days.

As an actor

— Do you like rewatching your own movies? Or do you not really watch them? Mm, I probably count as the type that doesn’t really watch them. Because when I watch my own films, I keep thinking things like “Oh, that’s not quite right”, or “If only I acted this way in this scene”... I mind a lot.

When I’m acting, I’m really immersed so I don’t have the time and energy to look at it objectively. After doing it all in one go and looking at it afterwards, my flaws are very obvious from a third person perspective. From a mental health perspective though, it’s not really good to dwell on regrets about something you can’t change.

— So far among all the roles you’ve acted in, are there any which you can say you interpreted flawlessly? *No hesitation* No. For all my films, if I rewatch them, I always think “I would do better if I did it now…”

— Your acting skills have clearly matured over your career, especially in romance scenes. Is this a result of gaining experience or because you consciously put in work on these scenes? Really? I got better at romance scenes? *laughs* If so, personal experience would certainly help, but it’s more that I slowly matured through constantly acting. Your acting skills are like a deposit book. If you keep putting in money, one day you’ll reap the rewards. When a melon is ripe, it falls off its stem… the time each person takes to get there is different, and of course some people never get there at all. It’s not just personal hard work, many other factors like whether you can meet a good director are all really important.

— Not just your romance scenes, there’s something unique in every way you move on the big screen. Even if it’s just your silhouette, people know for sure it’s you. Is the way you carry yourself something natural or is it a conscious effort? I never consciously thought about that. It just came about naturally. I don’t think there’s any particular “method” of acting, you’re not consciously doing this and that. I just do what I think is the most natural thing to do in that scene. In other words, I do what I think that character would do. I’m just recreating those movements.

Some actors have their best angles figured out and work out how they are best captured on camera. But I don’t really enjoy consciously acting like that. My expressions and movements are the best when I just act like myself. That’s the most natural.

However, when you keep reshooting a certain part, like the opening and ending of a certain shot, it’s easier for the editors if you do the same thing every time. But repeating the same movement over and over again really bores me, so I start trying out some different interpretations.

If the acting is very successful, the director is only human. They would also think that it’d be a waste to cut out that scene even if they have to change what they originally had in mind. What the audience sees is made up of all the best shots.

— Either way, there’ll still be a marked difference in the performance of a good actor and a bad actor. Well, of course. Talented actors or actors of a high calibre make you forget their acting. You feel like they’re just being themselves. That’s because they’re unique and not an imitation of someone else - that's why they’re convincing.

In comparison, those “average” or untalented actors are often unwilling to challenge themselves so while they don’t make huge mistakes, they also can’t make the audience feel the character fully. They make no attempt to be unique and instead subconsciously copy people around them.

— You’ve played many roles alongside several prominent leading ladies. As you continue to play these roles, your partners get younger and younger. It may not look like it but there’s actually an age gap between the two of you. Do you feel the age gap between you and your costars? Yeah, it’s like that now. *laughs* To be honest, lately with my costars it feels more like I’m teaching a student rather than acting with them. In fact when actually on set I become a teacher completely. *laughs* However, even though I feel the age gap between us, I have a baby face, so it also looks unnatural if I act alongside the actresses of my generation. I guess it can’t be helped.

On the movies he's starred in

— Which one of your starring roles was the hardest to play? *thinks for a moment* Ho Po-Wing in “Happy Together”. I was feeling unwell* during the shooting and I had to arrange all kinds of things for my upcoming concert which made me really nervous. Wong Kar-wai’s the type of director who doesn’t prepare a script and there were all kinds of problems. It was especially difficult to make Ho Po-Wing, whose personality is horrible, a charming character. I was really worried about that. * T/N: Leslie had amoebiasis during the filming in Argentina after eating contaminated food. ​ — You still pulled off the role successfully though. You were even nominated for the Hong Kong Film Award and Golden Horse Award for Best Actor. That was really unexpected. I didn’t really think I was the main character in “Happy Together” so I didn’t think I was qualified to be nominated.

— Do you think you were qualified for the award for your roles in “Days of Being Wild” and “Ashes of Time”? The panel decides who gets the awards. I can’t really judge whether I’m qualified to get a prize. If there’s any film of mine which I think should be qualified to win something, it would probably be “Farewell My Concubine”. It won the Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival. I was also really delighted to hear that it was a critical success in Japan.

— Was it easier to play Cheng Dieyi in Farewell My Concubine compared to Ho Po-Wing in Happy Together? Yeah. I liked Dieyi’s personality more too and we had more in common, especially his dedication and meticulousness towards art and love. I felt that really deeply. It was difficult to grasp the Beijing dialect and learn Beijing Opera though. But overall in all aspects, it’s an unforgettable film for me.

— “He’s a Woman, She’s a Man” is a film portraying the workings of the entertainment industry. Fans think that Koo Ka-ming (Sam) is actually a depiction of you… Not at all. I can’t write songs and I can’t play the piano either. *laughs* I guess we behave similarly when we’re single… Looking inward, if there are any similarities, maybe it’s in our living habits and worldview. We're more stubborn about that. As for some other aspects, some of those are just my own personality peeking through. Like the scene where I’m very scared and stuck in the elevator. Actually, that was just my real reaction when imagining the incident occurring to myself. Did it look real?

— I see. So that scene was just you. I always felt like that fear seemed too real. *laughs* Now that I’m talking with you though, I do feel that you share far too many similarities with Sam Koo. Hm, really? Okay, maybe a bit. *laughs* But to be honest, rather than Sam Koo being like me, Sam Koo is like the director Peter Chan. ​

Directors and Actors

— Speaking of Director Peter Chan, I wanted to ask you about the directors you've encountered. You worked together with Chen Kaige in "Farewell, My Concubine" and "Temptress Moon", so I suppose he's one of the directors who really appreciates your talent. He does like working with me. The script for "Temptress Moon" was written after I was chosen to play the lead role. A so-called "tailor-made" script for me.

— There are rumours that you were originally going to star in “The Emperor and the Assassin”. I was invited to, but my schedule didn’t allow for it. The shooting would take around a year but I had a world tour going on, so I couldn’t give him that much time. There’s also another reason. The main character of the film was a tall, strong, broad-backed guy in Chinese people’s imaginations… I’m too far away from that kind of image.

— The roles you play in Wong Kar-Wai’s films and Tsui Hark’s films are totally different. Is this because the two directors have different impressions of you? Maybe it’s because they’ve observed different parts of me. Besides, the content of their films is quite different. Wong Kar-Wai’s films are in a unique, perhaps “dispirited” or nihilistic world. Even though the time or location of his films varies, the world he’s trying to create is always the same.

Comparatively, Tsui Hark’s movies always have some kind of hidden philosophical or political thought. Even if the movie is very dark, there’s always hope and light somewhere. Do my roles reflect the differences in their films?

— It was quite shocking to see that you didn’t need guidance from the director (Jacob Cheung) on the set of “The Kid''. Instead, you mulled over and interpreted the role yourself. Is this the norm for you? Pretty much. Directors rarely adjust my acting. That’s why some people can’t stand it when they work with me for the first time. Generally, directors think that acting is something the director arranges for you.

But to be honest, once they start filming, they begin to recognise my acting and usually take my opinions and advice into account. Of course, people don’t think the same way, and my opinions may not be the same as the director all the time. But I’m dedicated to every role I play, and I always hope that I can make a good film. That’s definitely something I share in common with the director.

— In terms of acting skills, you don’t really need a director… How could I? It’s impossible to imagine not having a director. Think about it - no matter how good actors are, they’re always in first-person perspective. An expert looking at you from a third-person perspective and correcting your technical errors, which is the director, is absolutely necessary. Of course I might disagree with the director, but that’s a really important part of making a good movie.

I’m a really lucky actor in that I’ve worked with a lot of great directors. John Woo, Chen Kaige, Wong Kar-Wai, Peter Chan, Jacob Cheung… all of them are excellent directors. The fact that they think I’m a good actor makes me happier than anything else.

To be honest, how good a film is rests almost entirely in the director’s hands. The director is the lynchpin. A movie is a treasure chest and the director is the key. Whether you can unlock it and get the treasure depends totally on the director. That’s why my goal for now is to become a director.

About the future

— Have you already begun work on your directorial debut? I’m working on it. If all goes well, I should be able to start filming in the spring (1999). I haven’t really decided on the contents though.

— As a director, who would you consider picking to be the female lead? Karen Mok or Shu Qi. Karen is a really good performer and an actress with a bright future. Shu Qi isn’t just beautiful, she’s sexy too, so I think she’d be a good fit for a romance movie. They both have great potential.

— Your fans worry that you won’t act anymore once you begin your directorial career. How will you divide your time among directing, acting and singing? I think I’ll reduce my activities as a singer. I want to do music when I’m relaxed and not churn out albums regularly like I do now. Maybe just once or twice a year. I want to really feel the joy of making music and sing for the people who truly like my songs.

As for directing, I want to focus on only being a director at least for the first one or two times. Later, when I’m getting the hang of it, I’ll decide whether I want to continue being an actor. If it’s all smooth sailing, I could be an actor and a leading man like Robert Redford.

— That’s certainly comforting. As an actor, are there any roles or films you’re interested in outside of Hong Kong films? Jack Nicholson’s role in “As Good As It Gets”. It’s really easy to hate that character, but his character is actually really kind-hearted. I think it’d be interesting if I could play that kind of role.

— There’s another role in “As Good As It Gets” - the gay artist with a very special personality. What about that kind of role? *laughs* No way. I don’t want to play that kind of role. *laughs*

— So on the flip side, what kind of roles wouldn’t you be willing to play or be able to handle? The kind of roles that Jackie Chan plays. *laughs*

— There’s a rumour that you won’t act in comedies anymore. Is that true? No! I love the flow of comedies and I might act in one some other time. If I get used to being a director, I might even film one myself.

— Lastly, please tell me something about your first musical, “A Chinese Ghost Story”, which is scheduled for next year.  I’ve never done a musical before so I’m really curious about it too. Challenging myself to try a new thing really excites me. If it’s a success, I feel unprecedented joy. The reason why we chose “A Chinese Ghost Story” to be made into a musical is because of its visual effects. Musicals are a product of blending your hearing and sight. I hope the music and visual effects can complement each other and elevate the musical.

— Will there be a performance in Japan as said before? If possible, we’d like to do it. But unlike movies, there are no subtitles, so the language barrier might be a problem.

— Even if there’s a language barrier, we will still be able to enjoy the performance. Please make the Japanese performance a reality. I’m really happy to hear that. Whatever happens, I hope it’s a successful musical. I’ll try my best, please remember to come watch it then! * T/N: The “A Chinese Ghost Story” musical never happened due to investors’ uncertainties regarding the economic state of Hong Kong at the time, among other reasons. You can read an archived article about it here.

Leslie's past dream home

In the interview, Leslie spoke many times about “home”. Since his childhood, he dreamt of having a carefree, stable home. Leslie, who is interested in interior design, finally helped to design his own home and created his “dream home”! Unfortunately, once he moved, the media surrounded his home. Even tour buses stopped by, which led to the house being sold not long after him moving in…

I wish to have a place where I can’t be disrupted, and I can relax myself… saying this, he reveals part of his dreams and thoughts.

Personal Information

Helping you to understand more about Cheung Kwok-Wing

Place of Birth: Hong Kong

Blood Type: O

Nickname: 哥哥 (Gor Gor, lit. big brother)

Where the nickname came from: His costar in “A Chinese Ghost Story”, Joey Wong called him that. After a while, everyone around him started calling him Gor Gor

Favourite flower: Orchids, because they bloom for a long time.

Favourite food: Seafood, especially lobsters

Least favourite food: Mexican food *scrunches up his brows – it tastes terrible!*

Favourite colour: White, black and grey

Favourite car: Porsche Range Rover

Current car: An ink-green Range Rover

Traits when driving: Drives safely (He says that, but he’s actually a speeder)

Interests: Painting appreciation and watching films. Also interested in antiques

Biggest fear: Flying, especially in turbulence. A bit scared of heights and is also claustrophobic

Things he hates: Gossip including people who spread gossip and people who like gossip

Favourite book: “Dream of the Red Chamber” and books about interior design/decoration

Favourite author: Ba Jin (巴金)

Favourite movie: Gone with the Wind

Favourite actors: Daniel Day-Lewis, Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro

Favourite actresses: Audrey Hepburn, Vivien Leigh (says while laughing: they’re not trendy anymore!)

Favourite directors: Akira Kurosawa, Bernardo Bertolucci, Li Han-hsiang (a HK director active in the 50s-70s)

Favourite singers: Barbara Streisand, Elton John, Boyz II Men

Buying clothes: Buys them by himself. Usually buys underwear through mail order.  

Favourite brands: Jil Sander

Favourite animal: Dog

Pets: German Shepherd “Bingo” (Bingo is his third dog, he also had another shepherd dog in Canada)

Religion: None

Rules of living: Be patient, be genuine with your friends

When alone at home: Reads a book or watches TV

What he looks like asleep: Naked. It’s best to wear nothing when you’re sleeping!

How he sleeps: Usually on his back

Falling asleep: Quite easy. As long as he doesn’t have too much on his mind, he can fall asleep very quickly

Waking up: Decent. Might be an “early bird”.

Bad habits: Doesn’t really have any significant bad habits

Superstitious: A bit

When is he superstitious: Greeting people at home and paying respects to the Buddha in temples. That kind of thing.

Where he washes first when showering: His head

Favourite part of his face: Chin (the fortune teller said it was a chin which foretells making many good friends in his later years!)

Least favourite part of his face: Left eye. It usually has a double eyelid, but it becomes a triple eyelid when he’s tired

Favourite part of his body: Doesn’t have a favourite

Least favourite body part: Legs

Why it’s his least favourite body part: They are too short. It would have been nice if he was just a bit taller (By the way, he says his height is 175 cm)

Your personality: Ever-changing

An animal you’re most alike to: A wild monkey

Reason: Likes being carefree and spontaneous, doesn’t like feeling tied up

Happiest thing in his life: “Farewell My Concubine” winning the Palme d’Or

Saddest thing in his life: His parents passing away

If he was reincarnated, what would he want to be: A human

If he was reincarnated as an animal: A bird then

Would he rather be male or female: Male. Because in this world, men can be independent

If he was a woman: He wants to be a woman who is very rich or a very talented woman so he doesn’t have to be ordered around by men and can live an independent life

Interviewer/Writing: Shima Chitose Translation: Me (@dailylesliec on Twitter/Tumblr) Do not repost without credit. If you like this translation, consider following me or buying me a Ko-fi. Taken from the Leslie's Everything / Leslie 的所有 fanbook.

[fortheloveofblogging]

The best trip ever!!!

The planning was on for months. Vacation applied 6 months prior to the trip. This was the kind of dedication we had for this trip.

I was here in Gurgaon working for an MNC and my very good friends Sayantan and Rashi work as risk managers for a bank in Bangalore. This trip happened in May 2022 and had many reasons to happen. 1. We hadn't met in a long time. 2. My friends in Bangalore were tired of their tedious life. 3. It was Rashi's birthday (23rd May). 4. It was my wife's birthday too in the same week (27th May). 5. It would be "trippy" to celebrate two birthdays on this trip. 😂

We reached Bangalore early morning at 6 AM and the journey from the station to their house was more than 30 km. If you are in Bangalore this is the minimum travel distance to meet someone in the middle of the city. This is the reason I don't like Bangalore a lot. So we reached and Sayantan who was half asleep opened the door just because he thought that the maid has come. It is just like everywhere; people don't matter at all, but maids do. After a full afternoon of chit-chat, we left in the evening to get our rental car, which we planned to drive all the way to Munnar. We made all preparations for Rashi's birthday at midnight. We called some of her friends, we cooked, they drank and we played. At midnight it was "Happy Birthday Rashi" ❤️😇

Once all of the other friends left, we cleaned up the house and got all packed up for our trip. We left at 3:30 AM in the morning on the 23rd of May. I, Shalini, and Rashi were on the verge of sleeping since we didn't get rest in the last 24 hours. Sayantan on the other hand, the night owl and our only driver, was beaming with energy. I was sitting on the seat next to the driver, to give him company on this 12-hour drive. But I could not keep up with the expectations and started to nap at intervals. Bumps on the road or brakes on the highway were my push to wake up and act like I was not asleep. Our itinerary was planned in such a way that we would stay in Munnar, Aleppy, and Munroe Island over a span of 5 days. But no one knew that our plans will fail so desperately.

Anyways, the journey was tough and exciting at the same time. Sayantan had a hard time just before we were to reach our destination. We had coffee and Maggi at regular intervals during our journey. Finally, at 3PM, we reach Munnar's homestay which we booked for ourselves. It was a 2-floor cottage with one room each and it was huge and beautiful. Sayantan and Rashi took the top floor and we took the ground floor. We got freshened up and napped for a while and it was 7 PM quickly. Afraid that we won't be getting any food to eat in this remote area, we dressed up and rushed to the nearest market. Thankfully we got all the Maggi, coffee, and milk powder packets as our backup. Later we found a great place to eat named "FRIENDS Restaurant" where we ended up having dinner every day for the rest of the trip.

Today was a new day (24th May). The view from the property was amazing. Could, mountains, peace, and tranquility, all in one place. It was a romantic stay I must say. We had our breakfast and tea at the hotel itself and left for sightseeing. Today's destination was "Top Station". As the name suggests, it was a very high altitude point, and although it was just a 50 KM drive but took us 3 hours to reach since we had to stop at every picturesque location on the way. We found a beautiful location while returning from the Top station where we put up 4 chairs and simply enjoyed the view with some music and food. After experiencing a beautiful sunset, we got all ready to get back home and suddenly Rashi realized that she has misplaced her work spectacles which were very important. We stopped at each point on our way back to check the area but we were out of luck. The poor girl had to wear her power sunglasses for the rest of the trip.

The next morning (25th May) we were welcoming Rashi's recently married friend Sakshi and her husband Manish. Post breakfast we all left for an adventure ride at "Ripple Adventure Park". There we had to zipline from one end to another and cycle back to the first point. The feeling was really amazing since the river flowing under us was looking magnificent. Sayantan was scared as hell and it took a lot of convincing to get him to do it. But finally, we all came out of there very happy. Next, we left for the "Matupetty Dam". It was raining heavily so we took our time to reach there. The rain was continuous so we only managed to get a few pictures. We came home, had dinner, played some games, and went to bed. We loved Munnar so much that we canceled the entire itinerary and requested the owner for extending our stay by three more days. We still had hope but in the end, the owner agreed. Our lazy asses were very happy that night.

Today (26th May) we had a lazy start to the day. Manish and Sakshi had taken the car and went sightseeing while we were still trying to wake up. In the evening we went to a bridge nearby and sat on the stones to listen to the water flow. It was very soothing. It was raining heavily on the hills, hence the water level increased and we have to run from there. We left for a stroll, in our car of course, and caught glimpses of the waterfalls near to us. Post sunset we went to the market as we had to make some preps for Shalini's birthday tomorrow. Sayantan was busy buying masalas and we booked a very local cake at a local store in the market. I was not in favor to take it but we had no other choice. The last shop we visited was a bakery "Annapurni by Nimi's Recipies" and trust me it was simply amazing. I got another cake from there and I prepared a wishlist of the things I will take back from here.

Sayantan has already asked the homestay owners to arrange for a bonfire tonight on the occasion of a birthday celebration. We were given wood and kerosene oil for the same. Before midnight struck, I, Sayantan, and Manish put in all efforts to light up the bonfire meanwhile the girls were getting ready. The preparations were done, the cake was ready and so were the party poppers. It was great fun with all six of us. We partied, played dumb charades, and did a little dance as well. A very very happy birthday wifey!!! I wish to make your upcoming birthdays more special. And thanks to all of you guys for making it awesome.

Since the night was long, we still had to get up early today (27th May) as I had confirmed the jeep safari guy to be at our location at 11 AM. We left in a Thar for a 2-3 hour ride that covered 5 different locations in Munnar. Some of the locations were "Hanging bridge", "Ponmudi/Idukki Dam" and "Nadukani Para viewpoint". The locations were very good but the off-roading experience was something we would take back with us in our memories. After completing the safari, we were dropped back at the homestay. Manish and Sakshi had to leave in the evening for a different location so we quickly had lunch and dropped them at the bus stop in Munnar market. They are really great people. Today was our last night in Munnar so we left for the Madupetty Dam once again. We had to find a beautiful location for our pictures and we did find a very beautiful spot. Shalini really loved it. We had our full of pictures and drove back in the rain after sunset.

We checked out of the homestay (28th May) at the usual time of 10 AM since we wanted to avoid traffic. While coming to Munnar we spotted a place where we had to trek down from the road to the riverfront. The river was flowing in a very thin stream there. We kept close attention while returning and found that place. We took an hour's break and enjoyed the view there.

We had our lunch and dinner at roadside dhabas. Sayantan drove really well and we reached our home in Bengaluru after midnight. Everyone was super tired so we all crashed. We had our flight to Delhi today evening so Sayantan planned to prepare chicken for lunch.

This trip is very dear to me. I celebrated my wife's 30th birthday with some amazing people by my side. I wish we can have more such plans in the future. Leaving you all with the best picture of the trip. Until then Hasta-La-Vista baby.

[watchmegetobsessed]

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED - Part One (Harry Styles)

a/n: oh my god i am sooo thankful for the love the masterlist got with just so little info about the story! it means so much to me and i really hope i won’t disappoint you with this story! i was planning to post the first part on tuesday but i got excited bc of all the feedback and reactions and decided to start earlier, so here it is, part one of TLABL, a story im kind of proud of and very happy to share! please drop by my ask box or leave your thoughts on the story, i would love to hear everything from you guys!

pairing: CEO!Dad!Harry X Reader

warning: mentions of death, cheating and divorce

word count: 11.2k

SERIES MASTERPOST masterlist

“I hope you realize this holds nothing against you, we all love and appreciate you and your work, but we had to face some unexpected problems this past year.”

You sit in front of Claire, your boss completely dumbfounded, not even comprehending what she is saying completely. You came to work this morning absolutely oblivious that today is going to be your last day of work at the daycare you’ve been working at for over two years now.

“I’m sorry, but last time you let us in on the budget you didn’t bring up any complication that might have indicated someone could lose their job, so what possible problem could have come up so abruptly?” you ask with a shocked and nervous chuckle. Part of you kind of hopes this is just some stupid joke she is playing on you, but Claire is not one to make games out of such serious things. Letting out a tired sigh she pushes her reading glasses up to the top of her head into her carefully curled hair.

“Look, I’m really trying not to make a big deal out of it, but we had to make some cuts on the budget. The kitchen and gymnasium renovation was completely unplanned and it kicked us in the butt. We are making some changes about the groups this year and it was made that it can be solved with one less person on the team. I’m sorry it had to be you, but the decision had to be made.”

“But why me?” you press. “There are two people who have been working for a shorter period of time here, didn’t I earn your trust during my time here?”

“It’s not about that, Y/N,” Claire shakes her head.

“Then what is this about?”

“If you are so keen on knowing, we’ve… received a few… complaints.” Your eyebrows shoot up to your hairline, this is the first time you’re hearing about it.

“Complaints?”

“Yes. Some parents are not quite the fan of the kind of mentality you are using while teaching the kids.”

“What are you talking about?” you ask, feeling all the blood rushing out of your face. This is starting to get way too nasty. Claire pinches the bridge of her nose before leaning onto her desk, clasping her hands together.

“I know that you are quite the free spirit and want to teach the kids about openness and acceptance, but not everyone is as rainbow as you are. Some kids brought the word home about what kind of books you’ve been reading and we’ve gotten a few concerns about you basically promoting the LGBTQ community for the kids.”

“I’m not promoting, I’m trying to teach them to accept everyone just the way they are, how can that upset anyone?!”

“Well, it does. The committee had to make a decision on who we should let go and many agreed that it might be the safest decision to make it be… you.”

You’re about to faint. You are sure you are about to fall off this chair and just black out. How can someone get mad about you reading stories about acceptance and treating everyone equally? What kind of monster can see it as a bad thing? And now you are losing your job over such a stupid thing that you don’t even feel responsible for.

Though you’d love to stay and try to convince Claire to not let you go, you know the decision has been made and if you’re being honest, you don’t feel comfortable anymore working at a place where parents tell you off for teaching important values for their kids. Sadly, but you sign all paperwork about your immediate parting and you leave Claire’s office to pack your stuff.

“Miss Y/N! Miss Y/N!” Izzy, one of the sweetest girls in your group basically launches herself at you, smashing against your legs as she hugs you happily. “Do you want to see what I just painted?” She blinks up at you with her gorgeous green eyes and your heart breaks that you won’t get to see her again.

“Oh, Sweetie. I have to—you know what? Sure. Show me your painting,” you smile at her warmly. You can’t say no to her, not when this is the last time you get to see her.

As you’re cleaning out your locker in the break room, Heather walks in and stops in her tracks, seeing you with your gloomy face as you pack everything into a cardboard box.

“What the hell are you doing?” she questions right away. The two of you have known each other for years now, you did the same master’s programme and somehow ended up working here together, carrying on the friendship you’ve formed through your school years.

“I was… fired,” you sigh, wincing at the words.

“What?! Why?”

“Apparently, we are having some budget problems with all the renovations that was made recently and unbeknownst to me, some parents have been complaining about my openness with kids so I was the lucky one to part ways with.”

“That’s fucking bullshit! The kids adore you, how can someone complain about something like that?”

“Don’t know, ask them if you ever find out who they are,” you mumble under your breath as you shut the now empty locker closed. “I’m sorry we can’t carpool anymore,” you pout at her.

“No fucks given about that, what are you gonna do now?” she asks, seemingly very bummed at the news that you won’t be working at the same place now.

“I don’t know,” you shrug. “I guess I’ll have to find something new if I don’t want to end up on the streets,” you mumble.

“Oh girl, I’m so sorry,” Heather sighs pulling you into a hug. “Why don’t we go out for drinks on Friday? Everything is on me!”

“Don’t act like I’m already broke, makes me feel like a loser.”

“Sorry,” she scowls. “Just want to brighten you up a little. Meet me at seven at that Mexican place, how does that sound?”

“Stuffing my face with nachos and tequila? Sounds like the best plan I could wish for.”

You waste no time arriving home after your worst day at work. You jump right into the job ads, looking for basically anything that might help you out of this impossible situation. Sending your resume to as many places as possible, you get a few callbacks the next few days, but you only make it to one interview on Friday and that doesn’t go well either. The man who calls in for an open position at a private kindergarten turns out to be a total snob and he doesn’t find your free spirit too fitting with the profile of his institution so you get rejected at the end of the interview.

You head out to meet Heather feeling like shit. You’ve been unemployed for four days, but it’s already breaking your spirits.

“You know what? Clair is a bitch for giving in to the complaints,” Heather slams her fourth shot glass on the table with a grimace. “She should have defended you!”

“I’m sure she just didn’t want to get into any disagreement. Some of the parents donate great amounts to the school and Claire would never risk losing that money,” you sigh rolling your eyes.

“Okay, but she is being very… not inclusive,” she narrows her eyes. “Firing someone for teaching the kids openness? Bullshit.”

“I’m just sad I don’t get to see the kids anymore. They really grew close to my heart.”

“The little fuckers can be so damn cute, almost make me want to have one.” Heather sighs, downing another shot before pulling the nachos closer to her. You laugh at her vulgar reaction, she has always had quite a dirty mouth but somehow she controls herself well around the kids. “How has the job hunting been?”

“Horrible,” you growl in frustration. There are not many that offer a good paycheck and the few that does are these posh places that expect you to treat the kids like they are made out of gold which is ridiculous. That’s not how you raise a kid!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sure something will come up soon. Why don’t you look into nanny jobs, have you thought about that?”

“What do you mean?” you furrow your eyebrows, popping some chips into your mouth.

“A lot of people prefer having nannies for their little children, some even want them to move in. My brother’s ex-girlfriend was a live-in nanny for about two years and she earned a shit ton of money, because she didn’t have to pay rent and a good chunk of the food, because the parents just treated her like part of the family and bought groceries for five people instead of four.”

“I’m not sure I’m cut out for that kind of stuff.”

“What, earning money?” Heather scoffs.

“No, living with a stranger.”

“Most of the time the nanny gets like a separated place so it wouldn’t be that bad, but you know what’s good for you. It was just an idea,” she shrugs.

Soon enough you drop any work talk not wanting to ruin the mood. You enjoy some time away from the stress of job hunting and you’re just trying to have fun with your best friend. You start talking about nostalgic memories from college and end up looking up people you graduated with on social media, checking out what they’ve been up to in the past years.

“Alright, I’m gonna go to the restroom quickly, watch out for my drink,” you announce pushing your drink closer to Heather as you head towards the restrooms.

There’s a bit of a line so you stand behind two girls chatting about some cute guy they just met and leaning against the wall you close your eyes for a moment, feeling the drinks hitting you in the head. You’re not used to drinking, haven’t really had the time to get drunk too much lately and it’s saddening to think that now that you’re unemployed, you could black out every day, you wouldn’t have anywhere to show up in the morning.

Getting deep in your thoughts you almost don’t even notice that your phone is buzzing in your pocket. When you finally realize you pull it out of your back pocket and look down at the unknown number with a scowl. You quickly leave your spot in the line and rush out to hear something as you answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I hope I’m not calling at an inconvenient time, I’m Harry Styles and I’m looking to talk to Y/N Y/L/N?” you hear a thick British accent on the other end of the line.

“This is her.”

“Great. Sorry for the late call, I’m Isabelle’s father.”

“Isabelle?” you ask in confusion, the names not really clicking in your head thanks to the shots you’ve been taking.

“Isabelle Styles? Izzy?”

“Oh! Yes! Sorry, yeah. Mr. Styles, what can I help you with?” you ask, not sure why Izzy’s dad would be calling you.

“Well I just recently learned from my daughter that you’re not working at the daycare any longer?” “Uh, yeah. Unfortunately I was fired this Monday…” you awkwardly answer.

“I’m sorry about that. Izzy has been really sad about it, I wanted to ask if you’ve found a new job already?”

“Not yet, I’ve been looking but I haven’t had much luck yet,” you confess.

“In that case I have an offer to make,” he firmly continues and you perk up at his words. “I’ve been thinking about pulling Izzy out of daycare, but I didn’t want to do it until I found someone to take good care of her. You’ve been her absolute favorite and she’s been devastated since you’ve been gone. If you’re up for a job of this kind, I would like to offer you a spot as Izzy’s nanny.”

“Oh!” is all you react, completely not expecting this call.

“I know there are a lot to discuss, but if you’re interested, I would be more than happy to have a chat with you sometime this weekend? To go over the details and see if we can make it work.”

“I, uh… Um, yeah. We can meet, that sounds good. When would it be good for you?”

“How about tomorrow afternoon?”

“That can work.”

“Amazing!” he beams. “I’ll send you the address through text if that’s alright for you.”

“Yeah, of course. When should I be there?”

“Would three o’clock suit you?”

“Absolutely,” you nod, stunned at the turn of events.

“Great, thank you so much, and once again, sorry to bother you on your Friday evening. Looking forward to see you tomorrow!”

“Thank you, Mr. Styles, see you soon!”

You get back in line at the bathroom and then make your way back to the table where Heather gives you a puzzled look.

“Did you take a massive shit or something?” she jokes as you take your seat and stare back at her, still in shock.

“No, I had a very interesting call, actually.”

“With who?”

“Um, Izzy Styles’ dad just called and offered me a job as her nanny.”

Heather almost chokes on her drink, coughing at the news. You hand her a napkin as she dries her chin off from her cocktail.

“Harry Styles wants you to be the nanny of his daughter?” she gasps.

“You know Izzy’s dad?”

“Y/N, everyone knows him! He is the sexiest man to walk this planet and not to mention that he is like stupidly rich! Have you not seen him yet?”

“Not really,” you shrug. “Izzy was picked up by an old woman most of the times, I guess I never worked when her dad came for her.”

“That explains why you’re not squirming already,” she scoffs. “That man is like… crazy hot, I’m telling you. I bumped into him one morning when I guess he was dropping Izzy off, the way he said ‘Pardon me, Darling’ made my knees shake,” she tells you, faking an accent that’s nowhere near what Mr. Styles sounded like on the phone.

“Well, I guess I’ll see him for myself. I’m meeting him tomorrow to discuss details,” you shrug and Heather slams her hand on the table.

“Oh my God! You’re gonna work for Harry Fucking Styles! Get ready because your panties will be soaking wet all the time,” she laughs like a hyena.

“Heather, stop!” you shake your head laughing too.

Following Mr. Styles’ call you decide to cut the night shorter than you intended, not wanting to look absolutely wasted when you meet him. Arriving home to your small, one bedroom apartment you take a quick shower before climbing to bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to collect your thoughts. You told Heather you’re not willing to do the whole live-in nanny thing and Mr. Styles might not even want you to live with them, but now that the option is there, you realize it might not be the worst case scenario. Especially since you’re not really swimming in other job offers and you are in desperate need of anything at this point.

Despite having consumed quite some alcohol the previous night, you wake up at a reasonable hour in the morning, finding a text from Mr. Styles about the address you’d have to be going in the afternoon. You make a quick trip to the grocery store and do some chores before you start getting ready for the meeting. You opt for a simple black dress that reaches your knees and pair it with a little funkier, flower printed blazer to bring some color into the outfit.

Punching the address into the GPS you see that it’s taking you to the outer skirt of the city to the neighborhood that’s known to have some quite luxurious estates and you immediately think back to what Heather said about him being ridiculously rich. Driving down the streets in your old Volkswagen you couldn’t stand out more at a place where at least three cars park on the driveways and one of them is a Ferrari or a Porsche.

There’s a massive security gate under the address that’s your destination and it’s left open so you can pull up to the driveway easily. You park next to a fucking Tesla, finding it extremely funny to see your car next to it, but it is what it is. Walking up to the front door you ring the bell as you take a look at the house that can easily considered to be a mansion. Guessing from the outside there are at least about five bedrooms in it and you can only imagine what other luxurious units are squeezed into it.

Soon enough the front door opens and you find yourself staring back at a breathtakingly gorgeous man, wearing a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black suit pants, his chocolate curls falling to his forehead as his emerald eyes fall on you, a warm smile tugging on his lips.

Shit. Heather was fucking right, you think to yourself swallowing hard.

“Miss Y/L/N, it’s so nice to see you. I’m Harry, Izzy’s dad, come on in!” he invites you inside before a short handshake.

“Nice to meet you too, Mr. Styles.”

“Please, just call me Harry. I don’t like formalities at home,” he asks you as the two of you walk further inside until you arrive to what looks like a living room, but it’s actually the size of your apartment.

“Only if you call me Y/N,” you smile at him and he nods right away.

“Miss Y/N!” you hear a small voice call out and turning around you see Izzy running down the hallway until she throws herself against your legs.

“Oh, hello Sunshine!” you hum, squatting down so you can hug her.

“I missed you!” she pouts, rubbing her eyes.

“I missed you too,” you smile at her, caressing her soft cheeks before standing up. An older lady walks in, the one you’ve seen picking up Izzy. She approaches you with a friendly smile as she extends a hand towards you.

“Hi, I’m Ruth, it’s nice to meet you.” “Y/N, nice to meet you too.”

“Ruth, would you take Izzy outside while I talk to Miss—erm, Y/N here?” Harry requests. Ruth nods and taking Izzy’s hand she lures her outside to look for ladybugs in the backyard and that immediately catches her attention. The two of them leave through the sliding door, giving you and Harry privacy.

“Please, have a seat,” he gestures towards the sectional couch. “Would you like something to drink?”

“I’m good, thank you,” you smile at him as he sits in an armchair across you.

The interior of the house is quite cozy, kind of modern with a hint of vintage touches that make it less rigid, a pop of color showing at most corners so it’s not too monochrome. You quite like it.

“Y/N, I once again apologize for calling you at such an inappropriate hour, but I often work late and I wanted to get in touch with you as soon as possible upon hearing the news.”

“Don’t worry about it, I understand.”

“Isabelle mentioned it to me on Thursday that the other workers told her you no longer work at the daycare so I asked around a little yesterday and was informed that they let you go earlier in the week.”

“It was quite sudden for me as well,” you chuckle lightly, feeling a little anxious to talk about it.

“I know it’s not too appropriate, but I asked why they chose you to part ways with and I have to say it’s outraging that some parents are so ignorant and wayward. I’m really sorry this had to be the reason out of everything.”

“Thank you.” It actually feels nice that he thinks the same, this whole firing was ridiculous and you were losing hope in humanity, but Harry is now very much restoring it.

“Let me walk you through what the situation is here and what I was thinking about.” You nod and listen carefully. “I’m president of a record label and it consumes most of my time, I sometimes work sixty hours a week which I know is not ideal and healthy and I’m trying to change it, but it’s not an easy situation. I thought that putting Izzy into daycare was a good idea, but it’s been getting harder to work around her schedule as a single parent with so much work on my hands. Ruth is a family friend who has been helping tremendously with Izzy, but she is not getting any younger and she would like to retire fully and spend more time with her own grandkids. So I’ve been thinking about hiring a nanny for Izzy and try to make her days work around mine while I’m able to do that. She is going to start preschool in little over a year and I want to spend as much time with her as possible, but it’s not easy when the schedule depends on an institution. When she told me about your firing I had the thought that you might be interested in taking the spot as her nanny. She is obsessed with you, wouldn’t stop talking about what you do every day, and I might have also looked into your professional background. I like what I’ve seen and I’m very much into the way you’ve been dealing with the kids at the daycare. Openness is really important and I want Izzy to grow up in an environment that teaches her about being equal and supportive towards each other. I would be more than happy if you’d be the one taking care of Izzy while I’m not available.”

To say the east you’re stunned at how forward and open he was about the offer and his compliment about your professional background is quite flattering. You can tell he is doing an amazing job at raising Izzy as an open and accepting human, she was always one of the nicest and sweetest kids who always made sure to include all her peers in the games you played. And it’s obvious Harry is not just being a hypocrite, his tattooed arm, painted nails and ring clad fingers are not quite what you’d traditionally imagine a man like him wear, but he does it well and clearly doesn’t give a fuck what others might think about it.

Harry continues with how much he thought you’d be earning for the job and you almost choke on your own saliva. It’s almost three times as much as you’ve been earning at the daycare and you’d be able to save a good chunk every month which is quite amazing.

“I have to ask, were you thinking about a situation where I live with you or I’d have to be coming here every day?”

“Well, essentially it would be the easiest for everyone if you moved in. I have plenty of rooms you could choose from and you’d have access to everything else as well, of course, including the home gym, the pool, the sauna and the entertainment room. But I understand if you are not willing to make that commitment. If you choose to live here you wouldn’t be charged anything, naturally.”

This actually sounds like a dream, moving into this luxury mansion from your cramped little apartment and being able to save the money you’ve been paying on rent.

“And what would be the time management? If I moved in it would easily make me fall into a habit of always working, which is not quite ideal,” you point it out.

“Of course,” he nods. “I like to take care of her morning routine so you’d have to start around nine when I leave to the office. If we can make this deal working I’d like her to start taking some extra classes during the day, moving her activities earlier in the day so her afternoons would be free. She takes piano lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays, a swimming instructor comes here on Thursdays and she is taking French lessons every Tuesday and Friday. Everything takes place here, I would reschedule her activities to take place between nine and twelve. You wouldn’t have to worry about her during those times. You’d cover lunch time and then the afternoons. I try to get home between four and six and just work from home if it’s possible so I can be around her. You’d have to only help out whenever I can’t make it home in time I have urgent works that have to be done from home. We could have dinner time together and then her night time routine is my duty again. Ruth is willing to help me out on Saturdays and I spend Sundays with her strictly without any work distraction so you’d have the weekends off unless something comes up. In those cases I would check in with you beforehand and arrange it however it works best for you.”

You’re speechless for a moment. What he just shared doesn’t seem too bad, you might have to work a lot more, but being one on one with just one kid is much easier than dealing with fifteen of them at once. Not to mention that the money is still amazing compared to what you’d have to be doing.

“I’m gonna be honest with you, it’s an amazing offer. Izzy is such a sweet girl, I would be more than happy to take care of her.”

Harry smiles at you warmly, clearly proud of his daughter, as he should be.

“Can I ask for some time to think about it? It would be a huge commitment.” “Of course. Take your time and let me know whatever your decision is.”

“Thank you.”

Harry offers a quick tour in the house regardless, the kitchen is massive, they have a nice dining area with floor-to-ceiling windows looking out to the green slopes of the backyard that seems to be Izzy’s kingdom. She has a playhouse that could almost function as a real one, the pool is filled with floaties for her and she has her own playground further in the back with slides, monkey bars and a swing set. Your assumptions were almost right about the number of bedrooms. Beside Harry’s master and Izzy’s own room there’s one that’s been used by Ruth, one that’s for Harry’s mother and sister for whenever they are staying over and there are three additional rooms now serving as guest bedrooms, one of those would be turned into your room if you chose to move in. The gym seems better than the one you’ve been going whenever you felt like being a little active, the entertainment room has everything you could ever think about for a room this sort of and the sauna is already calling your name. Living and working here might actually feel like a vacation.

“Miss Y/N! Look what I found!” Izzy runs up to you when you and Harry step out to the backyard, holding her pointing finger up. A ladybug is wandering around her tiny finger, not even bothering with the amazed girl that’s inspecting it.

“Wow! How many dots do you see on it?” you ask and she knits her eyebrows together, counting the black dots.

“Five!”

“Yes, good job!” you ruffle her curls as she smiles up at you proudly. She really is an angel, you’ve grown to like her a lot and you would be lying if you said you didn’t get emotional over thinking about never seeing her again. Being able to take care of her and give her the best possible childhood would be such a dream and the chance to do that is right in front of you.

“I’ll be waiting for your call, Y/N,” Harry smiles at you walking you towards the front door.

“Harry, I don’t think you need to do that,” you speak up and see his face fall, he obviously took it the wrong way, thinking that you want to say no to his offer.

“Oh…”

“It’s not that,” you chuckle softly. “I would love to take the job. And if you’re still okay with that, I’d like to move in, it would make everything just so much easier.”

You watch as his expression changes from disappointed to hopeful as he cracks a smile nodding.

“Yeah, the offer is still there. When do you think you can start?”

“How soon do you want to pull Izzy out of daycare?”

“As soon as possible. If I have to I can go in on Monday and do all the paperwork. You could move in sometime during the week maybe?”

“I have to talk to my landlord about my lease, but I’m fine with moving in during the week,” you nod smiling and you can’t help but feel excited.

“That would be wonderful. Thank you so much. I’m looking forward to working with you.”

You discuss a few more details and then you head out, thinking about how the next time you’ll be coming here, you’ll be moving in.

“If this one doesn’t go to the donate box, I’m leaving right now.”

Heather holds up a pair of denim shorts, painted in the colors of the flag of the States. She holds it pinched between her index finger and thumb as if it was something nasty and disgusting

“You know I only bought that for that stupid frat party. I never wore that anywhere else, so you can put it into the donate box.”

“Thank God!” she groans and throws the shorts into said box.

It’s Sunday evening and your place looks like a warzone, boxes taking up the place everywhere as you’re packing your life up to officially move into the Styles mansion. You agreed with Harry to bring over a good chunk of your stuff on Monday and then settle in for real on Tuesday. He is pulling Izzy out of daycare first thing on Monday and you’d stay at home with her for the first time on Wednesday. It’s been a fast paced change, but you couldn’t care less. With the amount Harry is gonna pay you, you’ll be able to save up a good chunk every month, like you always wanted to.

As you finish putting your books away you reach the shelves that contain all your photo albums. Photography has been your passion for a long time. It started as a simple hobby sometime through your freshman year in high school, but in senior year, your photos filled the yearbook and you even did the design of it too. You’ve had a few gigs since then, some weddings and pregnancy shoots and you like to sell your photos individually as well. You wouldn’t have imagined how much a simple nature photo costs.

Flipping through the one on the top, you can’t help the bitter smile on your face as you see the photos from your brother’s 14th birthday three years ago. There are tons of family pictures with you, your brother Trevor and your parents, seemingly being all happy and joyful. Things were different back then and you didn’t see anything coming.

It’s past midnight by the time you more or less finish packing, you’ve filled three big boxes with things to donate so you have significantly less stuff to move to the Styles mansion in the morning. Heather spends the night, but leaves early in the morning since she needs to go to work. The moving van you rented out arrives a little after eleven and the two guys from the moving company helps you load it with about two thirds of your stuff. Harry is at work when you arrive and Izzy is still at the daycare, Ruth is the only one at home, she helps you out even though you tell her not to break a sweat over it.

“Let me help, makes me feel needed,” she chuckles sweetly when you try to get her to stop, but she insists on bringing in some smaller bags and boxes.

You’re still unpacking when Ruth arrives back with Izzy a little after four. You hear her little feet tapping against the floor as she runs down the hallway, bursting into your future room.

“Miss Y/N! You’re here!” she cheers, throwing herself into your arms as you sit on the floor, being the perfect level for the little girl.

“I am! How was your day, little Sunshine?”

“We finger painted and I made a painting for daddy, do you want to see it?”

“Of course!”

Izzy disappears to get her backpack from Ruth who is making her some snacks in the kitchen. She soon returns with her painting, presenting it to you proudly.

“Look! This is me and this is daddy!” she points at the two human-like figures, the only thing giving away who is who is that one of them is bigger than the other one. “And then this is mommy!” she then adds, pointing at a star in the upper corner of the painting and you freeze.

In the midst of everything, you didn’t even have the time to question why Harry is a single parent. To be honest your first guess would have been divorce, but Izzy’s painting is telling you something a lot more tragic.

“It’s beautiful,” you smile at her, trying to hide your surprise at the new information. “I’m sure he’ll love it.”

Ruth makes sure Izzy is busy while you finish up unpacking and when you’re about to be done, Harry arrives home. Approaching your room even though the door is open he knocks on the doorframe, catching your attention.

“Hello, just wanted to see how things are going. Do you need help with anything? I’m sorry I couldn’t be here to help with the boxes and all…”

“Hi! Oh don’t worry about that, I had plenty of help,” you shrug smiling. “Everything is going fine, thank you.”

“Great. I did all the paperwork today, tomorrow is going to be Izzy’s last day at daycare. You’re still up to start on Wednesday, right?”

“Yeah, of course. I only have a few things left at home so I’ll be all set by tomorrow.”

“Thank you so much,” he smiles warmly. “And thank you for being so quick about everything. It means a lot to me that I can spend more time with Izzy thanks to you. I really appreciate it.”

“I should be thanking you the opportunity. I wasn’t really drowning in the job offers,” you chuckle making him smile as well. “Please let me know if you want me to change anything, I have a plan I would like to go around with Izzy’s days, but of course, your word is the most important.”

“I trust you to take good care of her during the day. The only thing I want is to have her home when I get home. Ruth couldn’t always pick her up before and I really hated to do the extra trip and pick her up from daycare instead of coming straight home to be with her.”

“Understandable. I’ll make sure to plan accordingly,” you nod smiling.

“Y/N, I want you to feel home as much as possible. This is your place just as much as it is ours now. Izzy and I go grocery shopping every Sunday, it’s kind of a father-daughter thing we do every week. We keep a list on the fridge, feel free to add whatever you need and we’ll get it.”

You can’t help the smile that stretches across your lips, because this is such a sweet thing to do, when Harry could easily afford someone to do the work for him. Yet he still uses this time to be with his daughter.

“Yeah, sure, thank you!”

“I’ll get out of your hair now. Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“Oh, no, but thank you. I still have some things to take care of before tomorrow.”

“Alright,” he nods before walking out. He leaves you thinking hard about him. You wonder what really happened to Izzy’s mom and if he is dating someone right now. A man like him is basically a dream to any woman, you doubt he is having a hard time finding a partner, but you haven’t seen any sign of another woman around the house. Guess you’ll have to wait and figure it out yourself.

The apartment is awfully empty on your last night here. When you moved in about a year ago you didn’t think you’d be moving into a mansion from here. You spend the evening cleaning out a bit so you leave the place in good condition. Your landlord was terribly nice about your early leave, you could easily agree that you’d pay for the two more weeks that’s left from the month and that would be all, no extra costs for moving out before your lease was up.

You’re cleaning off the kitchen counter when your phone starts ringing, it’s a video call from your brother.

“Hey there! What’s up?” you ask, propping up the phone on top of the microwave while you move around, doing your thing. Trevor seems to be lying in bed, a black hoodie covering his upper body.

“Hello, just wanted to see how the moving has gone today.”

Despite the ten year age gap between you and Trevor, your relationship couldn’t be better. Probably because you were old enough to see what a blessing a sibling really is when he was born.

“Everything went smoothly. I only have a few stuff to bring over, that can fit into my car tomorrow, so it’s fine.”

“Cool. How is the dude? What was his name again?”

“Harry. Harry Styles.” You see him pull his laptop to his lap and probably searches up Harry’s name before his eyes widen at the screen.

“This dude is big! He is the president of HES Records, they run some of the most popular singers these days.”

“Yeah? I was sure he is a big name judging from his mansion,” you chuckle.

“Have you looked him up yet?”

“Not really.” “Want me to read what’s here about him?”

“Sure,” you hum, continuing to clean while you listen to Trevor.

“Alright. Apparently he is thirty-one, took over the record company when he was just twenty-five because his father wanted to retire early. The number of talents working under the label has doubled since he has taken over and many of his clients have won Grammy Awards. Impressive,” he hums, scrolling down on whatever site he has just found. “He is known to be a private person, the last time he made an appearance… Oh shit…” Trevor breathes out and you turn to your phone with furrowed eyebrows.

“What?”

“Wow, this shit is heavy. It says the last time he made a public appearance was in 2017, not long before his wife was killed in a car accident.”

You freeze, feeling your stomach drop to the floor, immediately thinking back at Izzy’s painting of her family. It very much makes sense why she said the star was her mother, it must be the way Harry explained to her what happened to her mother.

“It happened in 2018, she wasn’t in the fault, a drunk driver ignored the red light and ran into her car at a crossroad. This is terrible, oh God.”

“Poor Izzy, she probably doesn’t even know what really happened.”

“Must have been hard on him, there’s not much about him since then.”

“Can’t blame him for not wanting to be in the spotlight after losing his wife.”

“Yeah.”

Trevor shows you a few pictures of him from years ago, he has always been handsome, but your favorites are the few from the times when he had long hair. He looked so different, like a whole other person, but still, he rocked it perfectly.

Then you show Trevor around in the empty apartment before loving to the couch, turning all your attention to him.

“How have things been?” you ask with a sigh. Trevor purses his lips and shrugs.

“Other than the constant screaming matches on the phone and endless fights every time dad comes over for more of his stuff? Everything is rainbows and butterflies.”

“Is it really that bad?” you scowl.

“It’s like they never run out of stuff to throw at each other, but I feel like this much couldn’t happen even in their twenty-eight years together,” he scoffs making you chuckle.

“I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle of all that.”

“It’s like payback,” he hums and you give him a puzzled look. “You had it bad growing up for being the surprise baby, making them teen parents. Then I came at a reasonable time, they already knew the drill, but now that you’re out of the house I’m getting all the shit, having to deal with their divorce.”

“I’m really sorry, Trev,” you sigh, feeling guilty that he is all alone at home.

“It’s fine, I don’t blame you,” he shrugs. “But you could make it better if you asked your millionaire boss if I could hang out at his house sometimes.” He grins at you slyly and you roll your eyes. Of course he is already thinking about using you for his own good!

“I don’t want to push the boundaries just yet, but I’ll see what I can do.”

You talk a little more about school and what he’s been up to with his friends before ending the call. You take a shower and go to bed right away, feeling extremely worn out from all the packing you’ve done through the day.

The next day you pack the remainder of your stuff into your car and then your landlord comes over to do a checkup, though he fully trusts you took good care of the place.

“Again, thank you for your understanding, I didn’t plan to leave so early, but it just kinda came up,” you tell him, handing him over your keys.

“Don’t worry about it. I hope your new place will treat you right,” he smiles kindly at you.

You chat a little longer before you leave and head over to your new home. Once again, Ruth is the only one home and being the angel that she is, she helps you to carry your stuff up from the car before leaving to get Izzy from daycare. Since there’s not much left to unpack you finish quite fast, leaving you some extra time alone in the house. Walking around you try to learn your way around, still finding it a bit of a maze. You find Harry’s home office’s door open and after a bit of hesitation you step inside, just taking a look around. Yeah, it’s kind of a nosy thing to do, but you couldn’t help yourself.

His space is quite clear, he keeps his stuff neatly organized. Certificates and plaques are hung up on the wall, showing off his many successes in the business. There’s a huge bookcase near his desk and there you see some family photos… ones that include his late wife as well.

She was beautiful. There’s a picture of the three of them in the hospital from the day Izzy was born, Harry has an arm around his wife’s shoulders who is holding baby Izzy, both of them radiating happiness as they just become parents. Your heart breaks when you see the photo next to it, it’s just Harry and her in Paris, the Eiffel tower standing tall behind them as they are grinning widely at each other, foreheads touching. Harry has his arms wrapped around her slim figure while she is hugging his neck. They look so happy and in love, like they were always meant to be with each other. Knowing what tragedy hit them is just hard to process even for you, who never even met the woman.

You hear the front door open and Izzy is laughing at something, so you rush out before anyone could catch you snooping around.

“Hi Miss Y/N!” she chirps upon seeing you when you meet them in the living room.

“Izzy, you don’t have to call me Miss Y/N, Y/N is perfectly fine,” you smile at her, caressing her rosy cheeks.

“Okay. Ruth, can I please have some ice-cream?”

“I’m afraid we ran out of ice-cream, but I’ll put it on your grocery list,” Ruth tells her, a pout tugging on Izzy’s lips.

“How about this: I’m gonna make a delicious smoothie, that’s almost like melted ice-cream, would you like some?” you offer and her eyes brighten up immediately, nodding right away.

While Ruth puts away Izzy’s things they brought home from daycare, while the two of you move to the kitchen to make the smoothie together. You find some frozen berries in the freezer and pair them with bananas, putting them all into the blender with oatmilk, blending it all together.

“How is it?” you ask Izzy, who is sitting on top of the counter, tasting the pink smoothie that leaves a cute little mustache above her cherry lips.

“I like it!” she smiles, scrunching her nose.

“We can make it some other time then,” you smile, drinking up your portion.

Izzy is dancing around the kitchen, babbling about her last day at daycare while you clean the glasses and the blender when Harry arrives. He is wearing a baby blue suit with a crispy dress shirt underneath, looking fashionable but still business appropriate at the same time.

“Daddy!” Izzy launches towards her daddy, who catches her, throwing her into the air before holding her in his arms, joining you in the kitchen.

“Hey baby. How was your day?”

“Good, all my friends hugged me but I told them we would meet in the park.”

“That’s right, and I have the number of all your friends’ parents, we can have playdates with them whenever you want to,” he smiles before his eyes meet yours. “Hi Y/N, everything went well with the rest of your moving?”

“Yeah, I’m all set,” you smile back at him.

“That’s great. I have a few calls to make, but I’ll be done in thirty probably. Would you mind looking out for Izzy in the meanwhile?”

“Of course. She promised me to take me around her room, so we could do that, what do you say?” you ask the little girl who nods in excitement.

Harry disappears in his office and Izzy pulls you to her room, showing you just about every toy she owns. Her room is a typical girl’s room, the walls are painted a light pink color, her bedframe resembles a castle and she has a dollhouse as big as your previous bathroom. Harry clearly spoils her rotten, but what you noticed is that she is not one of those annoying bratty only children who can’t take no. She was clearly taught how to behave and always listen to the adults.

While Izzy is putting her stuffed animals away after introducing you to all of them, you spot a photo frame near her bed, decorated with macaroni. You remember when you all did that together at daycare and now you get to see the photo that ended up behind the glass.

It’s a photo of Izzy and her mother, she was just a baby and doing quick math in your head you realize it must have been not long before her accident, might even be the last picture taken of the two of them. Her mom is smiling at the camera while Izzy is sleeping in her arms peacefully. Izzy looked a lot like her when she was a baby, the bridge of her nose and her lips resembled her mother’s, though now she appears to take more after her dad with her chocolate curls and piercing green eyes.

“That’s my mommy,” she tells you when she sees you looking at the photo.

“It’s a nice picture,” you smile at her, trying your best to hide how heartbroken you feel even just looking at the photo.

“Daddy said she had to go up to the sky, but she is watching me from there,” she explains, clearly not entirely sure what it means, but you can tell she misses her. “Daddy said she is living between the stars now and that she loves me very much.” You need to fight your tears back at her words.

“I’m sure of that too,” you breathe out smiling at her.

“Izzy, do you want to help me make dinner?” Harry walks in smiling, though it disappears for a moment when he sees the two of you looking at the photo of his wife, but he is quick to control himself.

“Yes! What are we making?” she runs over to him, jumping up and down.

“Uh, chicken and veggies.”

You step away from the photo, pretending like nothing just happened. You’re dying to discuss it with Harry, hear him talk about it, but you won’t push him. If he wants to share it, he’ll come to you.

“Alright, come on then,” he smiles down at her. “Thank you for watching her, I’ll take over from here. Food will be ready in about an hour, Ruth is staying with us as well,” he informs you.

“Great, I’ll… I’ll be in my room,” you nod.

The first two weeks on the job brush past smoothly. It takes you some time to get used to your new home, but taking care of Izzy doesn’t feel like work, so you’re feeling amazing in your new job. You easily fall into a schedule with her.

The mornings are always Harry’s duty. He wakes her up around seven-thirty, makes her breakfast and dresses her for the day before he leaves around nine. Thanks to this habit of his, you’re able to sleep in until eight, leaving you plenty of time to get ready for your day with Izzy before Harry has to leave. Depending on the weather, the two of you then either take over the back yard or move to her room for some play time before her class of the day starts in the noon. Piano with Rosaline on Mondays and Wednesdays, French lesson with Lyon on Tuesdays and Fridays and then Izzy’s favorite on Thursdays, swimming class with Kitty.

Izzy loves to help in the kitchen so you usually make lunch together. Once her tummy is full she takes a nap before you sit down to learn something new every day. You’ve been teaching her the numbers and the alphabet, or some days you just talk about anything that interests her and learn at least two things she hasn’t know yet, all through games so she doesn’t even realize what you’re doing. You’re usually done by around three, leaving you time to take a visit to the park, if Harry is not planning to take her himself later that day.

You’re strictly home by four, unless it’s Tuesday when she has her dance class until five. Those days you drive her to her class, run some quick errands and pick her up. Harry usually uses his extra time in the office on these days, but he is always home by six to have dinner together with his daughter.

Once Harry is home you’re off duty, though you like to stay close, not just in case something comes up for Harry, but because you genuinely like spending time with Izzy and Harry, seeing them interacting.

Harry sometimes has to work on Saturdays as well, but just as he promised Ruth is always here to take over duty on those days, leaving you free for the whole weekend. It’s been working perfectly for you and those very few concerns you had about moving in dissolve quite fast as soon as you start working.

Though it’s been pretty clear to you before, you now one hundred percent sure that Harry is living for his daughter. She is always a priority, he doesn’t hesitate to decline any work calls he gets in the evenings if Izzy needs him, if she is a little fussy and wants her daddy’s attention or when they are in the middle of a game. He is clearly trying to keep a balance between his work and role as a father and from what you’ve seen, it seems like he is doing an amazing job in that. However you haven’t learned much else about him. He is all friendly towards you, but makes sure to keep it business casual, not quite keen on getting to know each other better as just friends, maybe.

A Friday afternoon you’re having a little tea party in the backyard with Izzy when Harry arrives home, but this time, he is not alone. Through the sliding door you spot him with a blonde guy who is talking very articulately as Harry is typing on his phone. The man looks about Harry’s age, but you can’t tell if he is a friend or a business partner, but if Harry brought him home, he is more likely to be a friend of his.

“Uncle Niall!” Izzy gasps when he spots the man through the glass and abandoning the tea party, she starts running towards the door. The man spots her and slides the door open grinning widely before she jumps into his arms.

“Little bugger! How are ya?” the man laughs, holding Izzy in a tight hug before leaning back to take a good look at her. You notice his thick Irish accent and it suits his appearance quite well. You head inside as well, in case Harry needs Izzy busy for a little longer, though he doesn’t mind having her around, kissing the top of her head before finishing up whatever he was doing on his phone, watching Niall and Izzy smiling.

“I’m having a tea party with Y/N, wanna join?” Izzy invites the man, who then looks at you for the first time, smiling widely.

“Hi, I’m Y/N, Izzy’s new nanny,” you introduce yourself, holding out a hand that he shakes, keeping Izzy in his other arm without a problem.

“Nice to meet ya, I’m Niall.”

“Y/N, Niall is an old friend of mine. He is joining us for dinner, hope you don’t mind,” Harry informs you and you find it funny how he is kind of asking for your approval when it’s his house.

“Not at all.”

“Harry has told me he hired a pair of new hands to help, but he didn’t mention it’s a stunning young woman!” Niall beams, making you blush right away.

“Ni, I would appreciate it if you didn’t try to pick up my daughter’s new nanny,” Harry warns him lightly, though there’s some firmness in his tone, not that it scares Niall in any way, he even winks at you.

“Oh come on, you can’t expect me not to flirt when you surround yourself with so many pretty women! First Ruth and now Y/N!”

You smile at him, something is telling you he wasn’t joking and he tried to flirt with Ruth as well. Harry just rolls his eyes at his friend, taking Izzy from him.

“Keep it in your pants, Niall,” Harry tells him and though it’s nothing vulgar, it catches Izzy’s attention.

“What should he keep in his pants?” she questions, making your and Harry’s eyes grow big right away. Luckily, Niall keeps his cool and takes care of the situation.

“My attitude, Sweetie. Your daddy is just jealous because I’m more handsome than he is,” he smirks at the little girl, successfully avoiding an awkward conversation about what it is that Niall should keep in his pants.

You smile at his reply, even though you are not that sure about the comparison he just made between himself and Harry.

“Izzy, do you want to continue the tea party?” you ask her and even though just a minute ago she was inviting Niall to join her, now she shakes her head no. “Alright, I’ll pack it up then.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. We’ll do it, right Izzy? She brought it all out, she is going to be the one packing it up,” Harry reminds her and she nods.

The two of them move outside to put her little tea set back into the basket she keeps it in, leaving you and Niall alone.

“So Y/N, how did you end up here?”

“I was working at Izzy’s daycare, but they sent me away not long ago. Then Harry contacted me and offered the job which was a lifesaver, truly.”

“That’s great! Well, not that you got fired, but that you ended up here. I know it means a lot for Harry that he can spend more time with Izzy, you’re making everything a lot easier for him.” Niall walks over into the kitchen and grabs a water for himself as he leans against the counter. “I can see that he is a lot more relaxed now already.”

“Really?” you ask, surprised.

“Yeah. I know he always used to stress about picking Izzy up, or forgetting something the daycare asked for. Now he can make it all work just how he wants to, that fits him a lot more. It hasn’t been easy on him since Maggie’s death.”

This is the first time you hear anyone talk about Harry’s wife and now you just learned her name. Maggie.

“Being a single parents is never easy,” you add with a soft smile, not wanting to interrogate Niall about Maggie. It’s Harry’s place to tell you about her, if he wants to, of course.

Soon enough Izzy and Harry take over the kitchen, Niall helping them this time and you leave them alone, taking some time for yourself in your room. Later you go out to check if there’s anything you could help with, Harry asks you to set the table as he finishes up the cooking.

“So, Y/N. Tell me a little bit about yourself!” Niall asks you over dinner.

“Um, what do you want to know?” you ask, feeling a little flustered to be in the spotlight.

“I don’t know, family, friends, hobbies?”

“Well, I have a younger brother, Trevor. He is seventeen and already taller than me.”

“Oh, that seems like a big age gap.”

“Ten years, to be exact,” you nod. “He was planned, I wasn’t,” you add with a soft chuckle. “But we have a great relationship, so it’s all good. We talk almost every day.”

“I’m sure you’ll get well along with Gemma then!” Niall beams, glancing at Harry.

“Gemma is my sister,” Harry explains. “Though she is not that much older than me.”

“But you can bond over being stuck with a younger brother who outgrew you,” Niall jokes making all three of you laugh.

All through dinner you realize how different Niall is from Harry, but in a good way. While Harry is more quiet and calm, Niall is kind of all over the place, buzzing and chatting every chance he got, but the two of them make a great pair, bringing what the other doesn’t have to the table.

After dinner you attempt to leave them again, but Niall makes you stay as they open a glass of wine. Harry puts on a movie for Izzy to keep her busy, giving the three of you a chance to sit out at the terrace from where you still can keep an eye on the little girl inside.

“Alright, Y/N. When are we going on our first date then?” Niall asks out of the blue, a cocky smile tugging on his lips.

“Niall, for fuck’s sake,” Harry breathes out as you let out an awkward chuckle.

“What? I think there’s some electricity going on between us.”

“I, uhh—I don’t…”

“Please don’t turn me down!” he sighs dramatically, making you smile.

“You’ve been great company, but I’m not sure we should go out,” you tell him. He huffs in disappointment, but it’s clear he didn’t take it to his heart.

“Is it because you’re taken? I didn’t even ask, are you dating anyone? You can’t be engaged, because I don’t see any rings,” he points out, nodding towards your naked fingers, however his words make you suck on your breath.

“I’m not engaged. Not anymore,” you admit and you watch their eyes go wide at the information.

“Wait, you’ve been engaged before?” Harry asks, clearly surprised, if not shocked.

“Yeah. For about four months,” you nod, running your tongue over your lips as you reach for your wine, taking a few large gulps.

“And what did the fucker do?” Niall bluntly questions, earning a look from Harry. “What? I’m just curious what twat it takes to lose a woman like her!”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about that,” Harry presses, but you shrug.

“It’s not a secret. We dated for about two years before he proposed. I said yes, started planning the wedding and everything, then found out that he had been cheating on me with his assistant for about a year. We broke up, simple as that. It’s in the past, happened a year ago.”

“That’s some next level asshole bullshit,” Niall shakes his head while Harry is just staring at you with an unreadable look before he turns his attention at his glass, still clearly deep in his thoughts and you wonder what he thinks of you now. Here is the loser who not only got cheated on, but lost her job, all of that just in one year.

Harry doesn’t react, and a moment later Izzy comes out because she is thirsty, so daddy duties call him away. Niall stays a little, but heads home soon as well.

“It was nice meeting you, Y/N. The date still stands though,” he smirks when he pulls back from the short hug he enveloped you in.

“Alright,” you chuckle, slowly getting used to his flirty act.

You was the wine glasses and head back to your room while Harry walks Niall out and then takes Izzy upstairs to give her a bath. You don’t cross paths until later when you leave your room, already in your pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt to grab some water for yourself and he walks out of Izzy’s room just then, probably done with putting her to sleep.

“I’m sorry if Niall made you uncomfortable, he didn’t mean to be rude or anything,” he apologizes as the two of you walk together.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” you chuckle softly. “It was kind of a boost to my ego, if I’m being honest.”

Harry huffs with a smile and stops at the kitchen island, his fingers tapping on his lips as you grab yourself a bottled water.

“I’m… I’m sorry about… about what you told us earlier.”

Closing the fridge you look at him, seeing that he is kind of hesitant, like he is not sure he should have spoken up, but you appreciate the thought.

“It’s alright. Just water under the bridge,” you shrug.

“I just feel bad you had to go through that.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” you chuckle softly. “It sucked, yeah. I really thought I would live happily ever after with Keith, but instead I got a lesson.”

“A lesson?”

“When we broke up I was obviously on the floor, both literal and theoretical way. I thought it was my fault, that I did something wrong and that’s why he did what he did. I even thought that I’m not worthy of being loved and being in love again. Took me time to realize that no matter what happened, I still deserve to be happy and to find someone to love and who can love me back.”

It appears that your words touch him deep, staring back at you, he just nods shortly, not replying to anything you just said. You’re not sure he is so silent because he doesn’t really understand what you just talked about or if it hit too close to home. Whatever it is, he keeps it to himself.

“Good night, Harry,” you smile at him before walking out of the kitchen and up into your room.

You’re lying in bed already when you hear him open his room’s door and then close it and suddenly he is all you can think about. The way his eyes sometimes pierce down on you, the way he taps his fingers against his lips when he is thinking hard or the proud smile that always plasters across his face whenever he is watching Izzy do basically anything. But you do see some pain in those beautiful green eyes of his and your desire to take just the smallest fracture of it away grows, even though he is not showing any sign that he is willing to share it with you.

The next morning, despite having the day off, you wake up quite early. You toss and turn, try to fall back asleep a little longer, but you just can’t. It’s a nice, warm morning and you decide to take advantage of the little balcony attached to your room. Wrapping yourself in your fluffy robe you grab the book you started reading a few days ago and sit out, enjoying the morning Sun that’s shining right at you on the balcony.

You don’t even realize for a while that you’re not the only early riser. When your eyes wander down to the big oak tree that’s near Izzy’s playground, you spot Harry doing what appears to be yoga on a green mattress, wearing nothing else, just a pair of black shorts. No shirt.

For a moment you think about going inside, feeling like you’re invading his privacy in a way, but you have the right to enjoy the morning Sun on your balcony, it’s not your fault he decided to have yoga at the exact same time. And it’s just hard not to look at his shirtless body stretching in all directions, twisting and turning as he goes through the motions, his tattooed body on full display.

It’s been clear since the moment you laid eyes on him for the first time that Harry is probably the most beautiful man you’ve ever met and that includes all your exes. Paired with his kind of mysterious charisma and the way he takes care of his daughter, he is the whole package, but you have been busy with Izzy to dwell too long on how attractive he really is. But right now, you are not working and he is very much shirtless in the backyard, teasing you with thoughts you definitely shouldn’t be thinking about when it comes to your boss.

A shaky breath leaves your mouth as you let yourself watch him just for a few more minutes before heading back inside, not wanting to get busted for being a stalker and also not wanting to see him in more positions and have even more unholy thoughts about him.

But what you don’t know is that just as you step inside, Harry catches your figure disappearing in your room, knowing well you saw him too.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

-

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[specialagentsergio]

rationalizations

rationalizations: a defense mechanism in which one makes up a false but reassuring explanation to explain their behavior and/or feelings to both themselves and others, thus avoiding the reality of why they are really acting or feeling as they do.

summary: You’re the psych evaluation for Spencer. You think he’s full of shit, so you refuse to sign his clearance form until he actually tells the truth.

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

category: angst (happy ending)

content warnings: spencer’s canonical trauma, flashbacks, mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation, swearing

a/n: i wrote this for @imagining-in-the-margins‘ enemies to lovers event. it’s not my favorite trope, but one of the prompts sparked inspiration for me. i also took a good amount of inspiration from meredith’s various therapy scenes in grey’s anatomy, so if some of it feels familiar, that’s why! i swear i intended to make this cute and funny, but, well… here we are lmao.

word count: 3.6k

masterlist

Spencer throws his bag onto his desk with a frustrated huff. It thumps loudly, startling JJ at her desk across from his. She gives him a sympathetic look regardless. “Still not cleared yet?”

“No!” Forgetting that it’s wheeled, he drops himself into his chair. It skids backwards and he has to scramble to grab something to keep from falling out of it.

“Careful there,” JJ says, trying valiantly to suppress a laugh. “That psychologist's got you really worked up, huh?”

“I don’t know what she wants from me!” he complains. “It’s been nearly a month! Hotch’s ex-wife was murdered by an unsub, but they cleared him. I was only shot in the neck.”

“I mean, that’s still kind of a big deal,” she says. “You could’ve died, from the gunshot, or from the nurse that tried to kill you afterwards.”

“Speaking of that nurse,” he starts, “Garcia is the one who shot him and she’s been a wreck over it. She insisted on going to the guy’s execution. But the therapist cleared her!”

“Penelope’s not in the field,” JJ points out.

He crosses his arms. “Still. This isn’t the first time I’ve been shot. That possibility is part of the job. It’s not like it came out of nowhere and I was completely unprepared for it.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Spence,” she says. “Just keep all of your appointments and I’m sure you’ll be cleared soon.”

He pulls a stack of papers on his desk towards him. Paperwork—one of the things he’s actually allowed to do. “I better be,” he mutters.

---

“And it was really scary, you know?” Spencer wipes at his eyes with a tissue. “Not knowing if I was going to live or die.”

“Mm-hmm.”

He takes a deep breath. “But… it’s over now. The preacher who shot me died in the same shootout. Owen McGregor, the leader of the corrupt deputies, died later that night, in another shootout. And Greg Baylor, the one who posed as a nurse and tried to kill me, was sentenced to death row and he’s gone now, too.”

His psychologist makes a note on the paper in front of her, but doesn’t say anything, so he continues.

“I… I feel better now, just letting that out.” He takes a new tissue and dries his nose. “I feel ready now. Ready to go back to work.”

She nods slowly, considering him. But she doesn’t even look towards her desk where the clearance form sits, frustrating him to no end. After five minutes of silence, he breaks.

“You can’t be serious.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I’ve been coming to these sessions for over a month, and I’m still not cleared to be in the field. I…” He musters up more tears and makes sure his voice wavers during his next words. “I just don’t know what you want? I’ve tried everything.”

“No, you haven’t,” she says plainly.

He blinks in surprise, sending some of the crocodile tears down his cheeks. “What?”

She crosses her legs. “You’re full of shit.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not being honest with me, and I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself either,” she says. “You’re a great actor. I can see how you’ve gotten clearances easily before. But that stops with me.”

Spencer stares at her. “I don’t understand.”

She moves her notebook to the side. “What happened in Texas isn’t the first time your life’s been in danger. Why do you think that is?”

“Wh—that’s part of my job,” he argues, fake crying long since forgotten.

“Not to the extent that you take it. I’ve read your file,” she says. “You take unnecessary risks with regularity.”

The tissues crumple in his hand as he clenches it. “I do not.”

“Let’s go back to the beginning.”

“The beginning of what?”

“Of your career.” Yet she doesn’t take out his file, or look at her notes. She speaks from memory. “2005. The BAU is assisting with a hostage situation. You go into the train, posing as someone who is there to remove a microchip from the unsub, but the first thing you do? You take off your bulletproof vest.”

“Okay, clearly you don’t understand what the situation was,” Spencer cuts in. “Ted Bryar was suffering from a psychotic break. He was somewhat unpredictable, and he told me to take off the vest.”

“And you just listened?”

“He—he had a gun, and was threatening both me and the other passengers with it!” he says. “What was I supposed to do, not listen?”

“Uh, yeah,” she replies. “You easily played into his delusions just a few minutes later to distract him. Why not do that to keep yourself safe?”

“I was twenty-four and was running on adrenaline,” he says defensively. “And it was my first time doing something like that. You can’t expect me to think of everything.”

“You’re right, I can’t,” she agrees. “So let’s jump forward a few years. How about the time you approached a teenager who was wielding an assault rifle with no protection, not even your own firearm?” she challenges.

“You mean Owen Savage? That was a unique situation,” he protests. “I knew I could talk him down.”

“No, you didn’t. You thought you had a good chance, but there’s no way to be one hundred percent sure of that. He was volatile, and on a killing spree,” she counters. “You didn’t know if you’d succeed--”

“I did!” He startles himself by unconsciously raising his voice, but he doesn’t apologize. “I did, because….”

“Because you related to him,” she fills in. “And that’s fine. Having empathy for an unsub doesn’t suggest something’s wrong in and of itself. But you still put yourself, and the rest of your team, in danger, didn’t you?”

He crosses his arms. “I got that lecture from Hotch when it happened, okay?”

“So then why’d you confront an unsub alone a few years later in Miami?” she asks. “You didn’t even tell anyone where you were going. You left your vest behind and just ran off.”

“I was having a head—wait, how do you even know that happened?” he questions. “It wasn’t in the report.”

“Well, first of all, you just confirmed it,” she points out, and he wants to kick himself. “Secondly, I can read between the lines.”

“I was having a headache,” he repeats. “I wasn’t thinking all that clearly. I just knew Julio’s life was in immediate danger, so I went to help him.”

“Uh-huh. More recently,” she says, brushing past his excuse, “You confronted your girlfriend’s stalker without your vest or gun.”

Spencer’s getting angry now. “I was trying to save Maeve. She asked me to leave them behind.”

“And you simply listened. Do you see the pattern I’m drawing here, Dr. Reid?” she asks. “These are just a few of the instances that stand out. Time and time again, you put yourself in unnecessary danger. So I’ll ask you again. Why do you think that is?”

Spencer looks over her—really looks over her, trying to understand what she’s getting at. “Are… are you suggesting that I’m suicidal?” he asks quietly.

She looks him straight in the eye. “You don’t act like someone who wants to be alive.”

It’s like she set off a bomb in his brain. Memories, and the feelings attached to them, emerge—Elle handcuffed to a seat, a teenager with a rifle, a blinding headache, Maeve and blood on the warehouse floor.

“Here’s what I see,” she says. “I see a man who’s been through so, so much. Your mother is mentally ill, your father left--”

His father is packing a suitcase. Spencer doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do or say, so he falls back on what he knows.

“Statistically, children who grow up in two-parent households attain three more years of higher education than children from single-parent households.”

It doesn’t help. “We’re not statistics, Spencer.”

“Your file says she’s staying at an institution, and with your father out of the picture, I can only assume you were the one who had her admitted--”

“Spencer, please don’t do this to me!” she cries as she’s escorted out of the house by Bennington Sanitarium’s transport staff.

“A few years into your work here at the FBI, you were kidnapped, tortured and drugged--”

He’s tired and cold and his whole body aches. Tobias—the real Tobias—looms over him with a syringe.

“Please. I don’t want it,” he pleads of his captor. “I don’t want it, please.”

The needle punctures his skin regardless.

“—you were held hostage by a cult leader--”

Emily sits across from him on the plane with a black eye. “What Cyrus did to me is not your fault.”

He pretends to agree.

“—you went through the death and reappearance of Agent Prentiss--”

He’s tried to make it clear to Jennifer that he wants to be left alone, but she won’t stop trying to talk about it with him, and he’s had enough.

“I came to your house for ten weeks in a row crying over losing a friend, and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth.”

“—and your girlfriend was shot in front of you.”

“Who’s Thomas Merton? Who is he?” Diane demands, gun pressed against Maeve’s head.

“He’s the one thing you can never take from us,” Maeve replies, and Spencer’s heart drops. Thomas Merton is Maeve’s way of saying goodbye—she’s giving up.

“Wait!” he cries out, but it’s too late.

“This is just some of the more traumatic stuff. And then there’s what happened last month, which is why you’re here. You present a face of not being bothered by all of this, because that’s what you’ve been doing all your life, but I think you are bothered. You really, really are. And you don’t want to admit to anyone just how much it all has affected you. Maybe you don’t even want yourself to know.” Her expression and tone of voice are certain.

Spencer can’t take it anymore. The whirlwind of emotions and memories is overwhelming.

“The number of times you’ve almost died is staggering--”

“Yeah, and sometimes I wish I had!” He glares at her, breathing heavily. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

But she doesn’t seem intimidated or alarmed at all. She leans back in her armchair. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

The response only serves to make him angrier. She questioned him relentlessly and made him admit something he swore in the dark hours of sleepless nights that he’d never think again, never voice, let alone admit to anyone. She forced it out of him, forced. She made him say it against his will.

So why does he feel a sense of relief?

“I…” Tears well up in his eyes—real ones this time. “I’m done,” he chokes out.

He pushes himself off of the couch and out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

---

He storms in Hotch’s office and demands to see a different psychologist. But she was one step ahead of him—a few hours before the appointment, she had emailed Hotch and told him that under no circumstances should Spencer be allowed to get a clearance from someone else.

“And you’re going to believe her?” he cries.

“She’s doing her job, Reid.”

“You barely know her! You’ve known me for a decade!”

“Yes, I have,” Hotch agrees. “And you’ve told me yourself that you’ve fooled psychologists and therapists before. So if this one is saying you’re not ready yet, I’m inclined to believe her.”

Spencer just stares at him, but as usual, Hotch doesn’t blink.

“Unbelievable,” Spencer eventually mutters.

“Take the rest of the day off,” Hotch replies, glancing down at fists Spencer hadn’t realized he was clenching.

“Fine.”

Too agitated to stand in the elevator, he takes the stairs. As he stomps down them, he swears he’ll never go back to her office, even if it means never going into the field again.

A week passes, then two, and he hasn’t seen the psychologist since. But he doesn’t feel any better—he actually feels worse. It’s like her words broke a dam in his mind, in his gut, and feelings of unease and uncertainty won’t pass. It keeps him up at night. Her words echo in his head. “You don’t act like someone who wants to be alive.”

Spencer’s had yet another sleepless night and is struggling not to doze off at his desk despite the coffee he’s drinking. He stands up with the intention of splashing some water from the bathroom sink on his face, but his feet take him somewhere else.

He stares at the nameplate on the door. He swore he’d never go back, yet he feels compelled to knock.

It only takes her a few moments to answer. “Dr. Reid. Can I help you?” she asks.

“I…” He sighs. “Are you busy?”

“No. Come on in.” She steps to the side, opening the door wider to let him pass. He sits down on the couch.

She waits patiently. She doesn’t rush him. She lets him speak first.

He wrings his hands in his lap, staring down at them. “Something you said is bothering me.”

“What was it?”

“About… living,” he admits quietly. “I… I think you might have been right.”

When he gets the courage to glance up at her, he finds a soft smile on her face. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Spencer hadn’t realized he was expecting judgment and disdain until it didn’t happen. His shoulders slump down in relief. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I think I would.”

---

“You’re still thinking about her, aren’t you?”

Spencer looks up from his paperwork, slightly out of it, to find Derek watching him. His coworker had, indeed, caught him thinking about her again. His psychologist. Well, former psychologist. After his second session back with her, she’d handed over a clearance form and a referral to a therapist outside the bureau to see long-term.

“And you better follow up with that,” she’d told him, the corner of her mouth turning up despite her serious tone of voice. “I’ll know if you don’t.”

He’d promised that he would, and had followed through. But despite the progress he was making with the new therapist, he was feeling a little disappointed that he didn’t get to see her anymore. He only saw her in passing, sometimes in the elevator or walking down the hallways of the building. They would exchange hellos, she would ask how he was doing, then give him a little wave as she left. Each time his heart would skip a beat, and he’d feel an urge to follow her to wherever she was going.

Yet he hadn’t quite realized why he seemed to be preoccupied with her until a dream he had a few weeks ago—a dream in which he found himself kissing her. Despite being alone in his bedroom, he’d woken up feeling embarrassed. He promised himself that he would put her out of his mind. Having a crush on his psychologist? It was ridiculous.

But then he saw her in the elevator a few days later and he couldn’t help but analyze her body language. It was open, and she twirled her hair around a finger while she looked at him to ask him how he was. A few other people entered the elevator on the next floor, but her attention remained on him. They were subtle signs, but signs that he recognized nonetheless—signs of attraction. And once he started seeing them, he couldn’t stop.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Spencer tells Derek, picking back up the pen he hadn’t noticed he dropped.

“You can’t pull that on me, kid,” he replies. “It’s your psychologist. You can’t stop thinking about her, can you?”

Spencer sighs. “So what if I can’t?”

“So go ask her out already!” Derek says like it’s obvious.

“You don’t think that’s just a little inappropriate?”

“You’re not seeing her as a client anymore, are you?” he points out. “Go for it, kid. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

Spencer takes the advice—as soon as Derek said it, he knew he was right. He would regret not taking a chance on her and the connection he felt. Sure, she’d helped him with therapy, but it went deeper than that. It feels like she knows him.

He leaves the bullpen ten minutes early that evening, hoping to catch her before she leaves for the day. On her doorstep, he feels just as nervous as he did on the day he admitted that she was right, but it’s a different kind of nervous. An excited nervous. He knocks on the door.

She’s surprised when she seems him. He watches as her pupils dilate, and it boosts his confidence. “Dr. Reid. Can I help you?”

“You can. I’d like to talk,” he says.

“Oh. Well, I guess I could do that,” she says. “I thought things were going well with the therapist I referred you to, though.”

He shakes his head. “No, I don’t mean I want an appointment.”

Her eyebrows come together in confusion. “Okay, then, what do you want?”

Spencer doesn’t hesitate. “I want to take you out to dinner.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I really like you, and I think we’re meant to be together,” he replies, voice softening a bit.

She pauses before answering. When she does, her voice is gentle. “Dr. Reid, sometimes a medical professional’s care can start to feel like affection over a period of time, but--”

“No one has ever listened to me like you do,” he interrupts.

“That’s my job,” she points out.

“I’ve seen therapists before, but none of them have been like you,” he counters. “You understand me.”

She sighs. “Well, I’m glad I was a good fit and was able to help you. But that doesn’t mean that I see you as anything more than a client.”

“You’re lying.”

“Excuse me?”

“You do feel something more for me,” he says firmly, but then backtracks a little. “Well, I know you’re attracted to me at least.”

She blinks and shakes her head slightly, take aback. “Dr. Reid, this is not appropriate--”

“Please call me Spencer,” he says, then jumps into his explanation. “See, when we’re attracted to someone, our bodies display involuntary signals, and I’ve seen you do some of them when you’re around me. Whenever we run into each other here, your body will turn a little towards me and you’ll play with your hair. Your attention is almost entirely focused on me. And, when you see me, your pupils dilate. They did it when you opened the door just a few minutes ago. Oh, and I’m attracted to you, by the way,” he adds as he realizes how one-sided he’s been. “I imagine my pupils probably dilate when I see you, too.”

Her mouth opens and closes a few times, like she wants to speak but doesn’t know what to say. She looks flustered, and he wonders if maybe he’s pushed it too far or said too much, but he can’t turn back now. “So, please, let me take you out,” he says quietly. “Just… just give it a chance.”

She bites her lip and looks at the ground. There’s a crease between her eyebrows, which he’s come to learn means she’s thinking. She speaks seriously when she looks back up. “If I go out with you, I can’t treat you anymore. If you ever need another evaluation or session, you’d have to get it from someone else.”

“I know,” he says. “I get along well with the therapist you referred me to, though. And having to get clearance from a different psychologist at the bureau is something I’m willing to give up in favor of getting to know you better.”

She considers him. “You’re serious about this,” she states.

It’s not a question, but he answers it anyways. “I am.”

She tilts her head to the side, eyes unfocusing as she ponders the situation. Eventually, she says, “Let me think about it.”

It’s not exactly the answer he was hoping for, but he’ll take it.

---

It’s only six PM, but Spencer is already exhausted. He unlocks his apartment door, fully intending to collapse onto his bed, but instead receives a pleasant surprise in the form of his girlfriend waiting for him on the couch. He can’t help but smile.

“Sweetie, what are you doing here?” he asks, then adds, “Not that I’m complaining.”

“Penelope told me it was a bit of a rough case,” she replies. “And I missed you.”

She holds out her arms and he takes the invitation, joining her on the couch and laying down between her legs, placing his head on her chest. “I missed you, too.”

Her next words are overly familiar. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Hey, we agreed to no therapy,” he says. “Something about I can’t be your client anymore?”

She huffs. “This isn’t therapy. This is being a good partner.”

Spencer smiles into the fabric of her shirt, snuggling in closer. “I know, I’m just teasing you. I don’t need to talk about the case,” he says, finally answering her original question. “I feel fine now that I’m here with you.”

She lets out a pleased hum and starts running her fingers through his hair. “I ordered take-out for dinner, by the way.”

“Where from?”

“You know where.”

A wide grin spreads across his face. She must have ordered take-out from the restaurant he took her to on their first date. He lifts his head to look her in the eye. “Aren’t you glad you said yes to me all those months ago?”

“Oh, I suppose,” she says with pretend annoyance, rolling her eyes.

Then she kisses him.

Spencer’s never been so happy to be alive.

---------------

tell me what you thought here!

please note that i DO NOT ENDORSE asking out your therapist/former therapist. this is fanfiction. thank you.

general taglist: @calm-and-doctor​ , @spencerreid9​

[blzzrdstryr]

Storge

Yandere!Childe x reader

CW: Yandere themes, swearing

Requested by anon, I am not going to post the ask, since it will spoil the fic

It’s snowing when you finally escape.

Snow and thin layers of ice like rustle under your bare feet as you run as fast as you can, uncaring of whatever injuries you’ll get in the process. Servants and guards scream and run after you too, eager to catch you before any of the news reaches Childe.

“Стой! Стой кому сказал!”, a lumping and balding middle aged man screams after you. You can’t understand the words yet recognize the desperation it was said with - this man can’t afford to fail, lest he loses his job. Too bad for him - you also can’t afford to fail, lest you lose your freedom and you are a better runner than him.

“Eat shit”, it escapes you, raw and hopeful and despairing at the same time - the freedom you yearned for months is here, you just need to push a little more, run a little faster. You don’t know to whom these words are addressed to - to the man behind you, Ajax you’re running away from or the world, that is so cold and unfair, constantly giving you a shorter end of the stick.

Fate proves itself a cruel mistress once again, as you trip on the ice, bones cracking upon the impact of your body against the ground.

“Вот тварь, побегать любит”, the man bends in half from the exhaustion and then comes closer to you, grabbing you from behind and yelling something to the couple of women catching up to you. You, of course, writhe and hiss in his hold, like some feral and disgruntled cat, scratching and biting their hands when the occasion rises. They mutter something unpleasant in Snezhnayan, yet don’t retaliate, afraid of what He will do once he learns of their slight.

You curse them and their entire bloodlines as they drag you back to the mansion.

He comes back from whatever bloody business he has the same day, when the Sun almost settles and dyes everything in purple-red hues. You look at this view from your room, seated in the comfy chair near the brightly lit fireplace and tightly bundled in the multiple layers of fur blankets. Your left leg is also covered - in bandages and herbal ointments, meant to soothe the pain.

You also got sick - maybe it’s because you bolted in nothing but your nightwear, or maybe because people who returned you back to your cell were dragging your unwilling body on the snow and at the end of your “journey” you were wetter than a recently used mop. Maids gave you some herbal tea for that too, and now you were nursing a warm cup, awaiting his arrival.

“I’ve heard that someone misbehaved again”, Childe enters the room, a manic and creepy smile plastered over his face. Seems that this “talk” will be as much of a test to your sanity as any other.

“Ajax”, you say in exasperation, more to yourself than to him - he rarely reacts to your sighs or glares, his overblown ego making him blind to your obvious discomfort.

“I’ve also heard that this someone got very very far. Almost naked. In the middle of the winter”, he continues, coming closer to you with each word: “I wonder who would be crazy enough to abandon this beautiful and majestic estate to return to their sad, miserable life”.

“At least I don’t have to see you in my sad, miserable life”, you quip and turn in your chair away from Ajax as much as you can. It’s hard to do with one injured leg.

“Oh, is it? Well, you don’t see anyone in your horrifically miserable life”, he quickly steps around, appearing in your vision again.

“Shut up”, you can sense what he’ll say next, already seeing red. Childe’s grin turns even wider. How does he always manage to do and say things to get under your skin?

“You have no friends to spend time with, you don’t even have any family. Whom will you return to? No one is waiting for you there”, and with this he leaves, shutting the door just in time to avoid the thrown cup of tea and you have to simmer in your own anger alone.

***

The boy appears on the next day, when Childe leaves for work. Ginger, pale and blue eyed, he doesn’t leave you even a shadow of doubt who his relative is. You plan on ignoring the boy just for this fact, yet the child proves himself just as stubborn as your captor.

He pesters the maids and other servants, who don’t rebuff him which proves your relation theory even further - who would be allowed to behave like that except you, Childe and his relative? When bothering staff proves itself fruitful, yet unsatisfying he turns his attention to you.

You sit on the sofa this time, your injured leg preventing you from escaping from that mini-Childe and the maid assigned to you pointedly ignores your pleading and threatening gazes. You have no choice, but endure.

***

Ajax’ little brother, Teucer as you learn turns out to be a way better person than you imagined him to be. It’s harsh to talk like that about a prepubescent child, but you can never be too sure or lax when it comes to Childe and his family.

He’s loud and stubborn in the way his older brother is, yet there’s no hidden malice or motive in his words, no mental game to test you with. As you already said it’s crazy to think about a little kid like this, like some manipulative and cunning bastard, yet you can’t. Living with Childe stripped you of it too - you can’t not just relax and trust everyone you meet, especially if they happen to have ginger hair and blue eyes.

You end up humoring Teucer as he tells you of his adventures with Tonya and Anton, and how he misses his big brother Ajax. A short, yet awkward pause ensues, as a boy casts his gaze down, sadness coming off of him in tangible waves and you do something unexpected.

You ruffle his hair and offer to play with him and he beams at that, his smile rivaling Sun with its brightness.

Servants bring a couple of board games - you can’t really move and participate in something more intensive, and the two of you spend several hours just playing.and enjoying yourselves. You get so engrossed by the game in fact that you miss the moment when someone else enters the room. You realize this once Teucer lifts his head and gasps, his eyes shining.

“Ajax! You are here!”, he squeals as he runs into Childe’s arms.

“Of course I am! Once I heard my dearest baby brother visited my house I dropped everything to come here”, Ajax effortlessly lifts the now laughing boy and spins him around, his eyes crinkling as he does so.

Teucer immediately shifts his attention from you to his brother, and while this is something very predictable, the hurt at this disregard is not. You never expected to get attached to a random kid just by spending a couple of hours with them, but here you are: watching your captor play with him and wishing that you could join too.

The boy leaves in the evening as Childe orders his men to take him back, yet before that Teucer runs up to you and hugs you too, thanking him for the time you spent with him and your heart flutters. Warmth the kind you never felt before washes over your soul, you feel complete.

You watch how he departs, your eyes trailing carriage until it turns into a tiny dot on the horizon and Childe watches you.

“If you behave I will invite Teucer more often”, he says on the next day. How can you decline such an offer?

[eloves-writes]

a failed attempt to hate you

(tristan dugray)

a/n: i can only apologise if this writing is terrible, i wrote most of this in the middle of the night hopped up on medication for my disgusting cold. i hope it makes sense. anywho thanks for reading, enjoy, mwah <3

screw mr medina for making you help tristan study. you knew he knew from rory your inherent disdain for him, and it wasn’t your fault he was falling behind therefore not your responsibility to help him (as you had told mr medina last tuesday, with no effect). it was now sunday morning and you held little hope he would actually show up this time; he had somehow managed to cancel on your little study date 6 times already and it had only been 5 days since you were handed this apparently mammoth task. honestly, you didn’t expect him to show up at all, especially not anytime before noon- for which reasons you had made the decision put on your usual lazy sunday morning reading in bed get-up, which included (but was not limited to) an oversized rock concert shirt rory’s friend lane had given you in an attempt to clear her closet of non-christian attire, nothing but underwear underneath since you wouldn’t plan on leaving the comfort of your bedsheets for many hours, and a loose silk scrunchie you accidentally stole from rory keeping your hair out of your eyes. 

your book of choice today was ‘harry potter and the goblet of fire’ , the most recently released chapter of the boy wizard’s adventures at hogwarts. the clock beside you read 9:15 as you comfied yourself for a morning of magic and adventure, which naturally was ended a mere 8 minutes later at 9:23 when the doorbell rang downstairs. you assumed your mother would answer it, but when it rang a second time you remembered your parents had both gone out to watch your sibling’s soccer match and you’d have to get it yourself.

it didn’t even cross your mind to put pants on, or that it may not be the postman at the door, until you opened it to see your very favourite chilton student whose eyes had hastily wandered to your bare legs. typical high school boy, you thought to yourself before your brain actually grasped the situation and kick started into action.

‘tristan. hi.’ you said with a slight shock in your voice.

‘erm, hi. i hope i’m not interrupting anything,’ he smirked, glancing down at your thighs again.

you rolled your eyes so aggressively you hoped mr medina could hear it from wherever he was spending his day, irritating boy-less and free to do whatever he wanted with his time.

‘you’re not,’ you quipped. ‘i just didn’t expect you to actually show up this time. and early may i add, i’m sure we said 11.’

‘we did, but i’ve got plans later so i thought i’d come by earlier and get this over with.’

‘how did you know i didn’t have plans? i might have been busy before 11.’

he pulled a face of amusement and you could swear you saw a hint of sarcasm shining through his eyes too. ‘right. are you done talking now or can i come in?’

‘you can come in, i guess,’ you sighed, closing the door behind him and showing him to the kitchen table. ‘wait here, i’ll go and get my books.’

‘grab some pants whilst you’re at it.’

‘stop talking,’ you called as you walked upstairs.

you came back downstairs a few minutes later fully-clothed and carrying your english notes to see that tristan had wandered from the chair you specifically remembered telling him to sit in, and was instead tracing a finger along the bookcase that stretched across the far wall of your living room. for a moment you just watched him nosey into your life; the framed certificates, the family photos, the 5 tapes of ‘beauty and the beast’ stacked atop of each other because it was your favourite film when you were 9 and practically every living relative had bought you a copy. beside those was a picture of you dressed as princess belle at disneyworld with chocolate ice cream smeared from cheek to cheek, a huge smile plastered between. tristan picked it up and turned to face you.

‘thoroughly adorable. seriously, you should go for this look more often.’

‘ha ha,’ you grimaced, snatching it off him and placing it back on the shelf. ‘are we studying or reminiscing on my past fashion choices?’ 

‘oo, someone’s in a good mood this morning huh,’ he teased. you pulled another face, once again silently cursing mr medina for completely ruining not just your day, but in fact your whole week. by god this boy got more irritating the more time you spent with him- it had only been 10 minutes, but it was 10 minutes longer than you ever previously had or ever wanted to.

 ‘can i get a drink before we start?’ he asked, redirecting the conversation and walking past you back into the kitchen. he began opening various cupboards, searching for a glass. ‘where’s the-’

‘why yes, tristan. you can have a drink,’ you snarked, opening the cupboard behind him with a dramatic flourish. he raised his eyebrows at you and reached forward to grab a glass, leaning over you as he did so. you caught a whiff of his cologne and almost forgot to dislike him for a moment.

‘there’s, um, soda in the ... fridge,’ you told him, voice unwillingly faltering as he looked down to meet your eyes. he had pretty eyes. pretty, blue, sparkling, stupid, annoying, asshole eyes. 

you found the thick tension sickening. you refused to be another girl at school who simply swooned over him when he walked past your locker. you didn't like him. you were here to teach him english. because he was dumb. and actually, his eyes weren’t that nice.

he grabbed a soda out of the fridge and you both sat down at the table and began reading through your analysis of ‘to kill a mockingbird’, adamantly pretending not to see him staring at you the whole time. 

why? he had had every popular and pretty girl in the whole of chilton, how was he ever so starved of female attention that he would look at you so admirably when you liked to make it clear you despised him? in fact, you enjoyed making a special effort to flip him off, or pull a face at him when he walked by, or kick his chair extra hard in spanish, or... oh shit. you had seen it from an outside point of view now, and it was glaringly obvious; maybe you did like him, just a little bit. shit. rory owed lorelai 10$ and a cheeseburger from luke’s, though you didn’t want to have to admit she was right when she’d said you were like a kindergarten boy pulling a girl’s ponytails because he thought she was pretty.

‘hey tristan,’ you started, breaking the comfortable silence between his questions and suddenly nervous to talk to him. stupid, it was still the exact same boy you’d been complaining about all week, nothing new. 

he looked up from your notes. ‘what’s up princess?’ 

that was definitely new.

‘don’t call me princess’ -he smirked irritatingly- ‘do you need to stay much longer? i mean, is there anything else you want help with?’

‘trying to get rid of me?’

‘no! no. i just thought that you’d only stay and pretend to listen to me for like, half an hour then vanish. it’s 11:30 and you’ve been through my whole binder.’

‘it is? time flies.’

‘tristan.’

‘i do care about my grades, you know. and you’re a good teacher, i might have a chance at an A.’

‘why didn't you show up the last 6 times we planned then?’

he put down his pen- your pen, actually. it had pink sparkles on the lid. ‘got to keep up my street cred.’

‘ha ha. funny,’ you replied as blankly as possible, pulling back a smile you could feel in your stomach. you made eye contact again and, like every other time since you’d sat down and started studying, you held each other’s gaze for longer than necessary. funny how realising you like someone makes you suddenly act like it.

‘i should get going then right,’ he said, picking his jacket from the back of his chair.

you felt weird, almost as if you didn't want him to leave after praying earlier he wouldn't show up. alas, your parents would be home soon and you would be willing to bet money that tristan would have some interesting jokes about your being home alone that would not slide with your dad.

‘yeah. i hope you get that A,’ you said, accidentally smiling as you walked him to the door.

tristan turned to lean on the frame of the now-open door and put on a face of mock surprise. ‘my, my, y/n. was that a kind comment and a smile? you’re spoiling me.’

‘shut up, i hope you fail.’

he smiled back. ‘you really mean that?’

‘i guess not.’

there was yet another beat of heavy silence.

‘see you monday.’

‘see you monday.’

you closed the front door as he walked down the drive, but noticed tristan’s car keys still sat on the kitchen table. a porsche, of course. you picked them up and reopened the door to his fist poised to knock. the two of you laughed awkwardly for a second.

‘i forgot my-’

‘you forgot your-’

another awkward laugh. jesus christ this was uncomfortable. you passed him the keys, and with absolutely no warning at all, your lips were suddenly met with his. they were soft and confident, and his free hand held your face as you tried to process the new situation. you quickly melted into the kiss, letting him take control until he pulled away and smiled that sparkly smile you didn't hate as much as you tried to.

‘didn't see that one coming,’ you said breathily, brushing some loose hairs off of your face.

‘i knew you didn’t hate me.’

‘ever the arrogant twat.’

‘hey, does this mean you’ll stop kicking my chair in spanish?’

‘absolutely not. in fact, i think i’ll kick it harder.’

‘as long as you let me do that again.’

tags: @leossmoonn for inspiring me to start writing again, @account123445 & @lmaoidekanymore6 for asking me to post tristan fics! (couldn’t figure out how to make the tags work but if you read this, you know ✨)

[waitineedaname]

8- gordon at Benry

“I can’t believe you told them you were my fiancé.”

“Huh? You didn’t say no, though.”

The moms of Joshua’s soccer team were an impenetrable clique. Gordon had no idea why, but for whatever fucking reason, they’d decided they hated him. Maybe he had brought the wrong snacks to practice, maybe they didn’t appreciate Joshua teaching all their sons swear words, maybe he cheered a little too loud at games. Whatever, he could deal with a little pettiness and false politeness from a bunch of housewives. He’d dealt with worse.

It was one of the first games of the season, and it was Gordon’s turn to bring drinks for the team. He was almost at the soccer field, hoping his pack of mini Gatorades would appease Joshua’s teammates, when he realized he was bringing an additional unknown variable: Benrey. The former security guard tagging along to all his outings had become such an expected occurrence at this point that he’d completely forgotten that Benrey had never gone to one of Joshua’s games before. He grimaced to himself as he pulled into the parking lot. Benrey had gotten a lot better about not doing blatant alien shit in public over time, but he was still a rogue element. Gordon could only hope he was in a chill enough mood to not make a scene on the soccer field.

Joshua had taken off running in the direction of his friends the moment the car parked, and Gordon and Benrey followed a distance behind, Gatorade packs in hand.

“Gordon, you made it!” One of the soccer moms waved at them as they walked over. “We were worried you might be late again.”

Gordon tried to turn gritted teeth into a smile. “Just because I was late one time, Katie, doesn’t mean I’m always going to be late.”

Katie gave him an equally fake smile and turned her gaze on Benrey, who was setting his pack of Gatorades down next to the cooler. “And who’s this? I don’t think we’ve met!”

“Hm?” Benrey glanced up at her, then reached out for a handshake, his hand still damp with condensation. “Yo. Benrey.”

“Katie,” She said, shaking his hand for as short a time as possible. She glanced between him and Gordon, trying to make some kind of connection between them. “Are you Joshua’s… uncle?”

“What?” Benrey squinted at her from under the rim of his baseball cap. “Nah, I’m Gordon’s fiancé.”

Gordon promptly choked on air.

Katie’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. “Oh!” She exclaimed. “I didn’t know Gordon was engaged!”

“Aw bro, you didn’t tell them?” Benrey turned his version of puppy dog eyes on Gordon, which was really just an intense stare since he’d never quite figured out how puppy eyes worked. Gordon thought he could see mischief behind the stare.

“Man, can you blame me? It happened pretty recently.” Gordon tried to convey ‘what the fuck are you doing?!’ without giving them away to Katie. Benrey just grinned and grabbed Gordon’s hand, doubling down.

“Well! I’m glad Joshua’s new stepdad could make it to one of his games!” Katie said, clasping her hands together.

“Yeah, I’m excited. Joshie’s gonna kick your kid’s ass, gonna make all the touchdowns.”

“Um.” Katie faltered, and it took all of Gordon’s strength not to snort. Never had he been so pleased by Benrey’s ability to throw anybody off their rhythm. “Well, our boys are on the same team, and it’s soccer, not f-”

“Huh? What? Sucker? What’re you calling me?”

“Okay! Well! We better go get our chairs set up!” Gordon yelled, dragging Benrey away before he could make it worse. Which led them to where they were now, sitting in lawn chairs on the side of the field, Gordon struggling not to completely break down into laughter. Benrey looked impossibly smug, slouched beside him.

“What was I supposed to say, man?” Gordon continued to protest. “I panicked! God, I’m so fucked. How am I supposed to explain that we aren’t engaged without sounding like a lunatic?”

“Just don’t? Easy.” Benrey shrugged.

“No, you don’t get it. She’s gonna be watching us like a hawk to see if we actually act like a couple.”

“Okay. Guess we gotta act like a couple now.” Benrey raised an eyebrow at him. “Unless you’re chicken? Baby chickenshit? Too afraid to act like he wants to smooch his best friend Benrey?”

“I’m not afraid, asshole.”

“Yeah? Prove it.”

Oh, a challenge, huh? Well, when he put it like that, there was no way Gordon could back down. Gordon leaned over and put his hand on Benrey’s shoulder. “You’re on,” He said, rubbing his thumb affectionately on the side of Benrey’s neck for good measure.

Pretending to flirt was way more fun than it should’ve been. It felt like second nature to lean in a little closer to talk than they would normally or to throw around obnoxious pet names to make each other laugh or to initiate extra physical affection. It felt so natural, in fact, that Gordon almost forgot why he was doing it as he got more distracted by Joshua’s game. Joshua’s team only needed one more point to win, and Joshua had control of the ball, and Benrey and Gordon were absolutely riveted. They were holding hands, but both of them weren’t even paying attention to that, far more concerned with being the loudest people cheering from the sidelines for Joshua’s success. When Joshua kicked as hard as he could and the soccer ball shot to the back of the goal, Gordon shouted “yes!” at the top of his lungs. Giddy with excitement, he turned, grabbed Benrey’s face, and planted a kiss directly on his mouth.

He hadn’t even realized what he’d done until he was already on the field, hugging and congratulating his son. Mortification shot through him like a spike. Oh shit. It was only a dumb competition, he definitely took it way too far, Benrey was never going to let him live this down-

Benrey’s head bonked heavily against his shoulder, an established form of affection Gordon had gotten used to over the past several months. Gordon leaned away from Joshua to give Benrey room to ruffle the kid’s hair and give him congrats of his own. If he hadn’t been so focused on the two of them, Gordon might have missed the sidelong look Benrey sent him and the slight smile that accompanied it.

Joshua was momentarily distracted by one of his friends running over and talking about something a mile a minute, which gave Benrey the chance to nudge Gordon in the side. “Hey,” He said. Gordon looked over at him just in time to receive a kiss on the cheek. Benrey grinned at Gordon’s dumbstruck expression, then scooped Joshua up onto his shoulders like nothing had happened. “Yo, Joshua! Your dad is gonna buy us ice cream!”

“Wh- I never said that!” Gordon protested, following them as Benrey and Joshua chanted ‘ice cream!’ over and over the whole way to the car. He laughed and shook his head. Well, at least he wouldn’t have to deal with the soccer mom clique on his own anymore.

[subwaysurf45]

Our Home to Heal (Ep.7)

Summary: working at the VA, you’ve found your place. helping people in the sobriety unit as well as cooking for the food bank, the VA had everything for you. Bucky Barnes has a not-so-good first impression but after dealing with a dark recent past he finds you to help him heal.

Episode: Seven 

Words: 3,407

Warning: Dr. Raynor hate train, funerals, slight nudity, emotionally neglecting parents

Our Home to Heal Series    II    Main Masterlist

Bucky sat still, hands in his lap and eyes forward. The suffocating room seemingly got stuffier. Dr. Raynor was sitting across from him, notebook open and on her lap. It was five minutes in and no one had said anything, the two just playing cat and mouse to see who talks first. 

She had got a new coffee table that sat between them, it was a grey slab that matched all the clothes she wore. The tree painting was still behind him, the chairs were the same but something felt different. It had nothing to do with the décor, the air, or even Raynor. As Bucky leaned back in his chair a smirk appeared, his arms crossed over his body. 

He had confidence. 

The kind of confidence that told him it was alright that he didn’t want to talk, he didn’t need to entertain what she was going to ask. It felt great, like he finally had some power and control, he could walk right out of the room if he wanted to, not caring about getting in trouble. 

“You seem…” Raynor was the first to talk, “...boastful.” 

Bucky squinted at her, confused with the diction choice. A small shake to his head before releasing his squinting gaze and looking out the window. “I never asked, how was the drive to the funeral?” Bucky asked, “you seemed to be rushing out of here and the weather was not in your favour.” 

Raynor shrugged, “I was late but then again, the ceremony didn’t start on time so I made it for the entire thing.” Though Bucky was looking at the window, Raynor was looking at him, “have you been to a funeral since the forties?” 

“I have, multiple,” Bucky slowly turned his gaze to Raynor, “they’re expensive.” 

“They are,” she chuckled, “who did you…” 

“Lose?” Bucky filled in her question, “Tony Stark, but I felt out of place when I was there, like his ghost was snarling at me because he didn’t want me with is friends.” Bucky cleared his throat, “we…we held a small ceremony for Natasha and Steve together, they aren’t buried beside one another but Sam and I thought they were such good friends they’d want to do it together…it’s also expensive.” 

“Did you say anything at Steve’s funeral?” she leaned in. 

“Actually, no,” Bucky pulled his lips in a thin line, “part of me wishes I did but the other part knew that at the moment I couldn’t think of nice things, just that he left me.” Bucky slowly nodded, “who did you lose?” 

“My uncle, he was a very funny guy but I’d only see him during the holidays and birthdays.” 

“Dad’s brother or mom’s brother?” 

“My dad’s, the two of them were inseparable growing up so my dad was a wreck during the ceremony,” she sighed and rubbed her chin, looking down at the blank paper. 

The silence crept back in and Bucky wasn’t mad at it, he looked back out of the window and saw a light dusting of snow come in. his finger drew on the arm of the couch absentmindedly, moving to his heartbeat as a way to keep him calm; something he picked up on you doing. 

“Anything you want to tell me?” Raynor asked, it was ten minutes into the session. 

Bucky frowned as he thought, “actually, I’ve been debating going to the VA.” 

Raynor’s eyes shot out of her head, with cough she leaned forward, “what?” 

“Yeah, I went to their holiday party a couple of days ago and really enjoyed myself, the people there are really nice and I had the lady who runs the amputee sessions come up and- it was a weird conversation, she thought I had broke in but… she was very nice and said she was there for me.” Bucky smiled at the memory, trying to suppress a giggle of delight. 

“You know how I feel about the VA, James,” Raynor shook her head and began writing things down, “it’s not real counselling, you’re friend doesn’t even-”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Bucky cut her off, “don’t talk about her, I’ve said multiple times we talk about her when I bring her up and only then, and secondly, she’s my girlfriend. If you are going to break my rules, at least do it right.” he eased his clenching jaw. 

“Fine,” she rolled her eyes, “no one is certified there, no one.” 

“Which is funny,” Bucky laughed, “it seems they take a very human approach of talking about issues, people like it because there are no framed degrees or big concepts no one knows, it’s casual and easy.” Bucky saw her face twist, “you really think I feel at ease right now?” 

She leaned back in her chair, realizing he was right. “So you’re going to go to two different counsels?” 

Bucky smirked, “do you read the fine print, Dr. Raynor?” Her eyes were going wide again, “because when you prescribed me those pills and kept prescribing them to me when I told you I didn’t like how it was affecting me, I was lost, had nothing to fill my time. So, I read over the contract that I signed, the pardon, you remember that?” 

“Yes,” she looked like she was about to explode. 

“The pardon states that I can go to the government and tell them I’ve found a substitute for your counselling, the VA fits all the boxes and is even an example in the contract.” Bucky crossed his arms, “put that on top of being a vet, I can leave your service whenever I want and make my way over.” 

“Why haven’t you then?” her right eye twitched. 

“Because when I first read it in the summer I brought up the VA a few times in our sessions, remember?” Raynor slowly nodded, “and whenever I did you made it seem like a terrible place, you scared me into staying here. You knew I was vulnerable and used it to your advantage.” Bucky swallowed a lump in his throat, he knew he couldn’t go back now, “you’re like a toxic girlfriend, y’know? You tell me no one is as good as you, I’d be nothing without you, I’ll come crawling back.” 

“I never said those things,” She squinted. 

“But did you have to?” Bucky looked out the window again. 

“What are you going to do now?” her hand rubbed her wrist, back and forth over a bracelet. 

“Send a letter to the government and the guy who wrote the pardon or whatever, it’s the early stages of my plan but it’s now in motion.” Bucky glanced at the clock, “our time isn’t up but I think it’s perfect for me to leave, have a nice day,” Bucky stood and put on his leather jacket, “and…” he stood by the threshold of the door, “try being nicer to your next client, actually listen to them.” 

“I did listen to you,” she stood up and crossed her arm defensively.

“Alright, you listened, but did you care?” and with that, he left. Walking out of the building and down to the streets, he didn’t need to ask but he was going to go to your apartment, Alpine was there. 

There was a jump in his step, he said hello to a few people walking by. A smile was on his face as he crossed the street and waved to cars to let them go ahead. A tune came from his lips, he didn’t know what it was but it was something he made up as he walked. Though his hands were in his pockets, he wasn’t wearing gloves. At any point, he could take his left hand out to wave or to scratch his stubble and the vibrainium would be on full display, but he didn’t care. 

You were currently in the bathtub, bubbles covering your entire body. A glass of wine sat on the ledge and a book that you were currently reading was beginning to wilt from the water damage, you had rested it on your stomach but didn’t realize how high the water level was, causing the bottom of the spine and the bottom of the pages to change colour. 

Soft music played in the background, random lo-fi playlist from youtube with a cute animation in the actual video. Mindlessly, your foot tapped along to the beat, it changed every so often but your tapping changed with it. 

Right as you finished a chapter there was a scratch at the door, you could hear both of the cats pawing at it. Eventually, they managed to open the door and come prancing in, thankful they had found you. Cleo was the first to stand up on her back legs and rest her front paws on the tub edge, looking in and seeing the popping bubbles. Cleo didn’t mind water too much, you didn’t bathe her but you’d catch her randomly sticking her paw into her water bowl. With your finger you scooped up some of the bubbles and brought them to Cleo’s nose, you laughed when you saw her sniffing and her inevitable sneeze that always followed smelling anything for too long. It scared Alpine for a second but as Cleo dropped down and got bored, Alpine jump up on the ledge. 

“That’s dangerous, Al,” you said as if you were scolding a child. 

Alpine walked along the edge of the tub but when she reached the wall she needed to turn around, but couldn’t. Cleo had done this before, back was she was a kitten. It was harsh but they needed to learn that bubbles and water weren’t solid, so Alpine had to fall in to understand so she wouldn’t do it again. 

Your hand was ready to catch her, you wouldn’t let her fall in and struggle, you’d catch her as she’s falling so only her legs would get wet. Sure enough, Alpine slipped and fell in, a quick meow came out as you caught her. There were bubbles on her tail and the fur on her legs were wet, but she’d shake it off. You grabbed a towel after placing Alpine on the bath mat outside of the tub, rubbing off the bubbles. After that Alpine walked over to Cleo, her tail was low and almost between her legs. 

“Don’t be embarrassed, Al, your sister did it as well,” you giggled and took a sip of your wine. 

Alpine flopped beside Cleo and the two of them began to work together on cleaning up Alpine’s legs and tail, at one point Alpine started cleaning Cleo and not herself. 

After drying yourself off you decided to use some expensive moisturizer you had in your drawer, slightly forgetting how you got a hold on it. Must have been a gift, but you didn’t have many friends who had that kind of money- Medea, she had re-gifted a gift from her aunt to you because he hated the smell of lavender and you wanted nice cream. Laughing to yourself as you put it on, the smell wasn’t that great. 

Before the door opened you could hear footsteps coming, they were Bucky’s. You could tell from the sound of the boots, the combat ones he wears in the snow. 

“Hey,” he called out as he walked through the door, untying his shoes and taking off his jacket. You walked out of your bedroom with your hair still tied up and a robe wrapped around your frame. “Hello, beautiful,” he said in a sing-song way, walking over to you. 

“Someone’s peppy,” you giggled as he pulled you in for a hug, kissing your neck a couple of times. 

“Just in a happy mood,” he sighed, “and I just want to tell you that I am in awe of you all the time, you’re so powerful and smart,” he began to sway, “you’re funny and caring, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, wrapped up with a bow.” 

“Bucky, you’re gonna make me cry,” you laughed. 

Cleo and Alpine ran out with a few meows, running in and out of Bucky’s legs, he laughed but didn’t let go to look down or move to pick them up. He was content with just holding you, swaying back and forth. 

“Don't cry,” he said. 

“How did Raynor go?” your hands ran up and down his spine. 

“Told her something,” he whispered, “and other things,” you giggled, “and we came to a conclusion of sorts, but you’ll see.” 

“Okay,” you said softly, letting Bucky sway while moving in a circle, “this is nice,” you whispered. 

“I love slow dancing with you, I really do.” he began to move, one hand moved to your hips while the other slid across your arm to hold it out. Your hand moved up to his shoulder and wrapped to his neck so you could get closer, his nose almost touching yours. 

With a smile and a deep breath, you rested your head against his chest, sliding your hand down to wrap around his torso, you kept your other hand out and in his. His chest began to rumble as he hummed a tune, he seemed to know it well, adding notes on the second time around and later adding words. You couldn’t help but laugh at the cats trying to join with their version of singing, long meows by their food bowl. 

“Kiss me once and kiss me twice, and kiss me once again…” he sang, “it’s been a long, long time…” you pulled your head away and followed the lyrics, kissing him three times. His hand tightened on your hip, pulling you closer. “I haven’t felt like this, my dear, since I can’t remember when…” he kissed your cheek, “it’s been a long, long time…” 

You couldn’t help but giggle, the attention on you made your face heat up. You tried to hide your face in his chest, the soft sweater you liked was so inviting but he pulled you back out with the hand that was around your waist, taking your chin between his fingers. After making sure you’d stay there he moved his hand back to your waist, still pulling you along. 

“You’ll never know how many dreams, I’ve dreamed about you…” his finger tapped your nose, “or just how empty they feel without you….” He was at a whisper now, “sing the next part with me.” 

“I don’t know the next part,” you both laughed. 

“Kiss me once…” he nodded, you picked up on it and laughed again, the quietness making everything feel larger than it really was. 

You swooned and began to sing with him, “so, kiss me once then kiss me twice, then kiss me once again...” you leaned up and captured his lips, “it’s been a long, long time...” you both said together. 

His voice was husky and low when he sang, trying to keep it quiet but also not whisper too quietly. Even though he stopped singing he kept swaying with you, his hand rubbed your waist and moved to the curve of your hips, feeling the robe you were wearing. 

“You’re so fuzzy, doll,” he smiled down at you, “I wanna be fuzzy,” his baby voice was coming out. 

You just laughed, “you can’t wear my robe,” you leaned in so your forehead touched his chest. 

“Why not?” his hands moved to the tie that sat on your middle, “I could just untie this and wrap it around me too.” 

“It’s too small,” you laughed and walked away, sitting on the couch and taking your glass of wine with you. “And I’m naked under here,” you added as you fell back onto the couch. 

“And you say it like it’s a bad thing?” Bucky walked over, slowly pulling off his sweater and leaving it on the floor, “oh, no,” he faked, “I’m cold…if only I had something fuzzy to wrap me up.” He stood there shirtless, smirking. 

“I’m telling you, Bucky, it isn’t going to fit all around you!” you laughed at his antics and those puppy dog eyes. 

Bucky stood at your feet with his hands on his hips, “can I untie your robe?” he asked plainly, “because right now, I want to.” 

“We are not having a quickie on the couch,” you shook your head.

“I agree, we aren’t.” Bucky kneeled beside you, “so can I untie it?” 

“If you tell me if everything went well with Raynor because I like it when you’re cute and clingy but sometimes it means you’ve had a bad session and I want you to talk about it if it’s bothering you,” you placed both hands on the tie, only letting one leave to grab your wine. 

“Seriously, it went well,” Bucky laughed and crawled up your legs, “I don’t know, even if you’re not there I can feel you’re presence and it makes me have a lot of confidence and I used that and I…I didn’t let her walk over me,” Bucky smiled, “I told her she was like a toxic relationship,” Bucky laughed.

“No you didn’t,” you gasped, “that’s what I said last night!” 

Bucky smirked, “if I’m being honest, I didn’t credit you and kinda made it seem like my idea.” 

“I don’t care about that,” you laughed, “I just never thought you’d say that, it’s funny, honestly.” 

“Good,” Bucky placed his finger on the tie, “can I?” 

“I’m wondering what you’re going to do,” you let both hands fall from it, giving him full access. 

“Only good things,” he whispered and pulled it so the bow came undone. 

His finger pulled the robe open so only your breasts were seen, he kept the bottom covered. With his chest exposed and yours now the same, he laid his body on yours, his head resting right before the swell of your breast and on your collarbone. Both hands were holding your sides, squeezing every so often. 

“You’re so warm,” you said without thinking. 

“It’s the serum, I run like a furnace,” Bucky said and nuzzled closer. 

“Hmm,” you nodded and took a sip of your wine before placing it back on the coaster. With his hair right in front of you, it didn’t take long before you started to play with it, running your nails on his scalp and feeling him shiver. You twisted a few short strands and tried to braid some together but it didn’t really work, but it must have felt good because Bucky had a lazy smile on his face. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled and pressed a kiss to your skin. 

“You love getting babied,” you shook your head. 

“It’s not getting ‘babied’, it’s feeling what gentle feels like, what security feels like,” he sighed, “I just…I love it when you do this, it makes me feel this sense of belonging, I can’t really describe it.” Bucky got a shy look and tried to hide his face in your chest. 

“I was joking, I don’t care what you call it,” You kissed the crown of his head, “you deserve all of it.”

“Did you get to feel gentleness as a kid?” Bucky didn’t look up, keeping his head where it was. 

“It was complicated,” you shrugged, “yes I did get my hair played with and held and all that but the issue was if it was real, with my mom I know there were definitely some times where she meant it but there were other times where she did it to console herself and that made it confusing.” as you talked you moved to the back of his neck and his spine. 

“What about your dad?” 

“Not at all,” you dropped your head back to look at the ceiling, “didn’t even fake it, didn’t even try.” 

“And you’re still the nicest human being I’ve ever met,” Bucky looked up at you, smiling side, “and the fact that you chose me and you stuck around means so much,” he leaned up and kissed you, “and right now, I vow, James Barnes, I will only ever be gentle.” 

“And I, Y/N L/N, will only ever be gentle, too.” you smiled and his head went back down to your chest, both cats jumped up on Bucky’s back and made do with lack of sleeping space. Alpine was curled around Bucky’s neck while Cleo went between both of your legs, both purring loudly at the family cuddles. 

“This is nice,” he sighed. 

“Kiss me once, then kiss me twice, and kiss me once again...” your finger ran through this hair, “it’s been a long, long time…” 

NEXT EPISODE 

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