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juminsmysticmc · 4 years

Note

Been gone for a while, see requests open? Nice. Oh, and can I get the RFA react to an MC who is a game developer?

RFA with a game developer Mc

Hey! of course, here you are! I hope you enjoyed this Headcanon! Please tell me your opinion, okay!

Have a great day!

Jumin

,,It’s a pity that you already have to leave,’’ Jumin said as he walked you to your house.

,,Jumin, you know that we will be married soon! You will see me every day!’’ you chuckled and kissed him on his nose after you typed in your code to open the door.

,,Yes… but it’s 4pm!’’ he added, looking kind of like a baby.

You tried to explain that you still had to get ready for the next day since your investor wanted to see your demo game.

At that point, Jumin’s head was up again with his eyes staring into yours with surprise.

,,You work?’’ he asked you.

,,As what?!’’ he added.

You had to chuckle. Did he think that your bills would be paid by doing nothing?

And so you explained that you were a game developer.

,,I write the storyline myself, the designs are done by me, and, in the end, even some of the programming,’’ you sighed.

,,Okay, I will be your Plan B if they don’t want to pay, okay? And after you live with me, I will make sure to get you some people who work below you to support you!’’ he told you and kissed you, going back.

You still could hear him talking to Jaehee and asking him to send Luciel to him so that he could buy everything he needed to support a game developer.

Zen

Being your boyfriend’s manager and also a game developer was tiring.

But even worse was to hide your second job from him.

It was a lot you had to do, but thank god you just had to do the design and the storyline on your own.

The reason you wanted to hide it was simple: You were working on a game where Zen was the main character.

This had to stay a surprise for him!

And so, months went by without Zen noticing that you were getting busier and busier.

Just when the news spread the rumor that a game was inspired by him, he began to notice that something was fishy.

,,This person has to know me… Maybe Luciel pranked me… These details are way too accurate… Look how handsome I am and how good my habits got described….’’ he praised you, without knowing that he was praising you.

,,It was me,’’ you finally told him, looking into his red eyes as they grew bigger.

,,What?’’ he asked you again.

,,It was me,’’ you repeated ,,I am the one who made this game. I’m a game developer, Hyun,’’ you finally said.

Your boyfriend was overjoyed that someone, his girlfriend at that, got inspired by him.

He was so overjoyed that he actually began to tear up…!

,,Tell me the storyline…’’ he whined a few days later as he read his lines on his phone, hoping you would give him a little spoiler...

Yoosung

The first time both of you were on dates, you tried to get to know each other better.

Both of you already knew a lot about the other.

You knew that Yoosung liked to play LOLOL and that he studied to become a vet.

Yoosung was pretty much interested about you and tried to get to know everything about you.

There was just one thing he never asked: what were you interested in at work?

Yoosung thought, from the start, that you were studying.

He wasn’t sure why, but he simply thought that you wanted to become an assistant just like Jaehee, seeing how interested you were in the RFA and how much you supported Jaehee for the last few months.

However, he got to know about your real degree - three months after dating.

,,Wow, they are using a really good designer, see these details?’’ you asked him, when you first visited him and watched him play LOLOL.

Yoosung looked up at you, question marks all over his face.

,,How do you know that?’’ he asked you.

,,Well, I am a game developer. This is my job,’’ you chuckled.

For a few seconds, it seemed as if Yoosung himself became a question mark.

,,And you didn’t tell me?’’ he asked you, kind of hurt.

,,Well, you never asked me… I thought you already knew or simply didn’t care…’’ you laughed, a bit embarrassed by now.

Yoosung immediately jumped up. ,,NO, OH MY GOD! YOU’RE FAMOUS!’’ he exclaimed.

You laughed hard and tried to calm him down.

Both of you kind of became closer and you decided to bring him to your workplace.

,,This is my best friend, and the CEO, and this is my place,’’ you said to him, after he greeted your friend.

Looking around your workplace seemed like a game room.

You had a beautiful room with posters all over the wall and a lot of computers.

It seemed as if you were the female version of his friend Seven.

Since then, he came to visit you two times a week and observed you working on a new project. Once again, he realized how awesome you were and how lucky he was.

Jaehee

,,That’s an amazing idea!’’ Jaehee nodded, pouring Seven another coffee, who for once, crawled out of his room to listen to the business idea you had.

,,I’m good, but I’m not that good to do it myself. That’s why I would love to have your support, Seven. I need you and I would like to also give you a part of the money,’’ you said.

,,Don’t let it fail! The girls are putting their all into it!’’ Zen warned the red haired boy, as he took a bite of the cake.

The whole RFA, except for V and Jumin, was in the shop, listening to your idea.

,,Again for me,’’ Yoosung begged, making Zen roll his eyes.

,,Okay, you know I’m a game developer and since I started business with Jaehee, I’m now on my own. However, I still want to do what I love, so I want to develop a game related to our shop.

People will work with us in a game and I want them to play the version here in our shop. If they all like it, we will launch it for the whole country!’’ you explained once again. This time, you didn’t use that many words Yoosung wouldn’t understand.

,,I think it’s a wonderful idea. We should also launch a cat game to-’’

,,NO!’’ Jaehee, Zen and you said at the same time, cutting Seven off.

,,I need a few more gadgets. I already got most of them from my old office,’’ you began, facing Seven, who listened to you and read your list.

Jaehee and Zen, as well as Yoosung, decided to leave you both alone.

,,Don’t you think that Jumin would like to invest?’’ Yoosung asked, using the moment to look at his phone and notice that he was way too late.

With a quick ,,Bye!’’ he jumped up, running towards the main street while his bag jumped up and down.

,,He will never change,’’ Zen laughed.

,,Yes, neither will Jumin… and luckily, never will Mc…’’ she chuckled and observed you, explaining to Seven what you pictured in your little head.

Saeyoung

,,Ah, so this is also made by her,’’ Saeyoung mumbled to himself as he played the game you developed.

It’d been a year since Saeyoung met you and managed to save his brother thanks to you.

He still remembered the first time he found out that you were a game developer while trying to do a background check on you.

Ever since then, he saw you as a rival and as the woman who could possibly win at all possible games.

However, a year later he was the one supporting you the most and helping you out, despite being jealous over you being so good.

,,Hello, yes, thank you very much. The virus attack could get stopped thanks to a personal friend. Yes, we are currently working on it… Yes of course! One moment,’’ you said over the phone, putting it away from your ear and telling your fiancé that someone wanted to talk with him and know how he managed to destroy the virus which almost destroyed your whole carrier.

,,Hello, Saeyoung Choi, fiancé of MC, what can I do for you?’’ he said, teasing you as you were rolling your eyes.

,,He is such an idiot,’’ Saeran commented. He was also working with you guys.

And you had to say that it was really helpful to have some people who could support you.

Designing and developing the storyline by now was funnier than earlier, when you had to also programm the game.

,,Okay, here you are, wifey.’’

,,I am still not your wifey, dummy,’’ you teased him and took your phone, changing the application on your phone to the saved pictures, where the current image of your latest project was displayed.

,,Okay,’’ you began, putting your hair behind in a ponytail, ,,Are you guys ready to work the whole night?’’ you asked them and began to let your fingers dance on the keyboard of your computer.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

26.01.2021// 22:13 MEST

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kewltie · 4 years

Text

grumpy vet!katsuki is annoyed at animal lover!izuku who keeps bringing strays into his clinic because this isn't a fucking rescue but he never stop helping izuku care and find a home for every one of them. worst yet is that he can hear the voice of animals and they're like,,, pls mate with the cute human.

katsuki doesn't remember when it first started for him, but he'd always heard them. the animals are noisy bunch of fuckers with A WHOLE LOT OF OPINIONS and katsuki wouldn't say he love them but hearing their voice, knowing their pain and joy, he understands them better than he get humans. there isn't any pretense with the animals. they are what they are and they love, hate, and cry just as fiercely as any humans even though katsuki thinks they're simple creatures. he always been closer to the animals than other humans because they stay true to him. so yea he doesn't love animals but he finds himself relating to them more than his own species. it's not surprise that he became a vet because he get to work closely with the animals that kinda fuck up his life since he cant have any normalcy anymore so they're stuck with each other lol

izuku have always been fond of animals and they have always been super fond of him back. it's mutual love all around even though izuku def can't hear their voices but growing up izuku was heavily bullied and harassed and his only friends were stray dogs he met whenever he walk to/from school. his bullies called him in mocking tone 'snow white' because the fact that izuku always attracting animals around him and whenever he go anywhere birds fly circle above him and animals have a habit of finding him. it's freaky. IZUKU WAS WEIRD so he finds comfort in animals rather than human because they don’t care or judge him. Animals can be simple like that.

while katsuki takes his strangeness and ability and turns it into a flourishing business because he's not going to let anything fuck him over; katsuki owns his power and isn't ashamed of it one bit. he just wish the animals talk less because they think they know BEST even more than him lol. take for example his lack of love life because he's sooo busy at his private clinic and doesn't have time for others. as soon as he had graduated vet school, he poured his money and opened his own clinic because katsuki was never going to be alright working under someone and he want to do things his way. now that his business is stable and he got several other vets (his friends from vet school) working with him, he has more free time but still finds himself working at the clinic on his day off because he's uh a bit of a workaholic?? also because he thinks human relationship is a complicated, annoying, and just UGH/o\.

his animals that AREN'T HIS PETS exactly but stay year round at the clinic because they're deemed unadoptable for normal shelters because of their special needs (i.e. blind, deaf, etc) so they constantly harassed him to find a 'proper mate' and produce 'offspring' already because he's wasting good sperm… lol they legitly dont understand how a virile male like katsuki haven't found a good mate yet and katsuki REALLY REALLY would like them to stfu up with the nagging because he already got it from his friends and HIS PARENTS and now he's getting harassed at work by his own fucking animals.

his animals are actually a bird with one wing, a three legged dog, two cats (one blind and the other deaf). no matter what katsuki say, THEY'RE HIS PACK and they absolutely loves him. Some were surrendered by their owner because it was too much work taking care of a special need animal while his pack like the dog actually came from a fighting ring and got his leg broken by another. the two cats were from abusive households, and the bird was abandoned by her owner when she lost one of her wings. they're mix matched bunch of mistfists with nowhere else to go but katsuki took them in anyway. he said it's only UNTIL HE FIND THEM A NEW HOME, but they never leave him sobs. THEY LOVE THIS GRUMPY ASSHOLE. katsuki understands them and doesn't care if they're lil broken and damage and he's so, so good to them even though he's so MEAN ABOUT IT LOL.

so yea, they want more than anything for katsuki to be happy!!!!! for them that's mean finding a good mate and having babies because that is guaranteeing his future, but few humans can put up with their beloved katsuki,,, until izuku comes rolling into the clinic with a dog hit by a car of course.

izuku has no pet insurance and he doesn't even have any money to pay the pet fees because he's actually unemployed right now. he went through various jobs of all kind but because of his 'unique deposition' animals constantly flocked to him and made it chaotic when he's on the job. he was eventually was fire/asked to leave because it was inconvenience to them and though izuku finds it extremely hard to only last a month or two at his new work everytime, he never blame the animals for being the source of the problem because they ARE HIS HAPPINESS, HIS ENDLESS JOY.

it also made it harder izuku to have a 'normal' life when izuku would often drop everything to help any kind of animal in need. a lost pet, an injured bunny, an abused dog, etc and he would go to great lengths to ensure they're love and care for because they are the world to him. so when he saw a dog injured on the roadside, he stopped immediately and found the nearest vet clinic to bring her in even though HE'S OUT OF A JOB and is poor in cash but rich in heart :P.

at first katsuki put up a fight like he's not going to help unless izuku paid up because he's kind of dick lol. tbh he was just putting on a show because he can't have ppl thinking HE'S FUCKING WEAK to every desperate ppl coming in even tho his price is the cheapest in the area and he takes IN EVERY PET NO MATTER HOW DIRE but then izuku get teary eyes and promise katsuki his spleen if he would help. that is when he knew izuku is going to FUCKING RUIN HIM because then all the animals in the waiting room is giving him a stink eye and are like, "HELP THE POOR HUMAN YOU DUMB DOC". he just want to growl at them to stfu but the dog starts howling and everyone is making noises and he sighs.

he wasn't even going to kick izuku and the injured dog out anyway so he grits his teeth and let himself be bullied in taking in his new patient and a v v v concern izuku. he insistently hovers close by as katsuki perform the surgery on the dog's broken leg. katsuki knows the drill because worry pet parent is part of the job. "she will be fine," he tells izuku.

eyes wide with hope. "really?" he asks, looking all earnest.

"yea, i wouldn't bullshit unless i fucking know for sure," katsuki answers with a snort because he doesnt make empty promises. also because he's fucking good at his job. he takes in every case seriously and pour his blood, sweat, and tears into all their animals that come into his clinic until they're well again. katsuki doesn't love animals,,, he's FUCKING LOVES THEM in his own ornery ways ofc lol.

esp the pets and animals that come through his clinic, they all have unique personality and stories to tell. they're not humans but to katsuki they might as well be because their life is as precious as any other human being and he wants to make sure none of them die on his table.

"okay, she's cleared from the surgery," katsuki says, informing an anxious looking izuku. "you can take her home in three days." he pauses for a moment with a frown. "consider the wee waived as my good deed of the year. just dont let your pet run off in the street next time."

izuku blinks. "she's not my dog. I just found her."

katsuki stares at him. "you were going to offer your spleen for a dog that isn't EVEN YOURS?!"

izuku nods eagerly. "i just couldnt leave her alone when she's hurt like that. thank you so much, bakugou-san! you're her hero!"

it's then that his life go from somewhat mundane (as much as a vet who can talk to animals can be) to become even more eccentric because of izuku. he somehow acquired another DOG into his pack bc no matter how desperately izuku tried to find her owner he couldn't. she also need a lot of dedicated hands on care but with no prior owner appearing, katsuki begrudgingly takes her on until she finds a new home. even worst, izuku makes it a habit to visit his clinic daily to check up on her and all the animals there perk excitedly at his appearance.

he easily makes friend w/ all the animals, esp the ones recovering from surgery/illness, taking special care of them while katsuki's pack is super curious w/ izuku and keep hounding katsuki to pay attention to the cute human!! LOOK A VIABLE MATE as katsuki continues to ignore them

katsuki like to thinks he's a hardass but ever since that day izuku keeps bringing in his strays for katsuki to help and katsuki grumble his way through it but never turn izuku away bc as soon as izuku turn his fucking huge green eyes at him,,,, he'd fucking whipped that's what. and izuku has no money and no job, he started stay longer and help out at the clinic as a return for katsuki’s helping out the animals he keeps bringing in. so he just come to clinic pretty much everyday from morning and wouldn't leave till they close it.

his presence there calm the animals and they always look forward to seeing him everyday. even katsuki's regular clients are like, "oh did you hired a new assistant at the clinic? he's such a sweet and helpful boy."

katsuki, eyes twitching, grits out a, "no."

but at this point katsuki pretty much accepted izuku is attached to the clinic now because unlike all the strays izuku brought in with all of them eventually finding a new home later, KATSUKI IS STUCK WITH IZUKU even though this izuku had FOUND HIM FIRST and not the other way around. katsuki is good with animals because they dont take his bullshit and though he has his colleagues who he work with but they knew him long enough to deal with his prickliness longterm but izuku who he only known for a month or 2, sticks close to him and just smile through him being his asshole self. maybe it's because izuku is some kind of animals magnet disney princess bullshit because ofc katsuki would only attract the kind of person that is maybe part animals or some shit because JUST HIS LUCK that he takes in a human stray in the end and can't get rid of izuku even if he wanted to.

there was no point in fighting it now, izuku is here to stay even if he has a habit of attracting all kind of animals and ridiculous to katsuki's peaceful clinic. he ends up hiring izuku to work at the clinic even though izuku been working there for months already lol. izuku who always have a hard time having any permanency in his life because of his animals magnet deposition and maintaining any human relationship because they dont get his obsession with animals, immediately lights up at the news that he's here to stay WITH ALL THE ANIMALS AND KATSUKI.

katsuki who is mean, rough, and yells at him when he messed up but carefully teaches him how to fill out the health form correctly and lets him play with all the animals at the clinic. doesn't even blink when izuku smuggled in an injured bird and put UP WITH IZUKU'S RIDICULOUSNESS!! izuku is half way in love already because katsuki is a good man with the biggest heart around even if he deny it. he can tell by how much his pack loves katsuki, how they are happy and healthy they look and how they were deemed too broken for society but with katsuki they found a perfect home.

izuku doesn't understand the animals but you don't need a common language to see the way katsuki’s dog curl up in his lap when he's working in the office even though that dog is definitely way too big for it, or how his bird hop on his shoulder as he works. it's there in their body language and the way they want to be close to him. animals are honest, they express everything they feel with their entire body so katsuki can huffs and puffs about how he's not a good person but izuku knows. why else would katsuki not charged izuku for all the animals he bring in or get so brutally upset when he couldn't save one of their life.

izuku doesn't push for more because he's happy just having a room in katsuki's life with all these animals around them. while katsuki is SUFFERING because all his animals are yelling at him daily to: "FUCK MATE CUTE HUMAN BOY YOU USELESS TURD."

the fact that they're all invested in katsuki's love life is hilarious because they think he's completely useless at getting a mate and really want him to get it on with IZUKU ALREADY BECAUSE HE'S GETTING INTO HIS PRIME AND HE NEED TO PRODUCE BEFORE HE DIE TO CONTINUE HIS SPECIES!!!

katsuki has to keep telling them that IS NOT HOW HUMANS WORK but his animals keep offering advice like, "offer the head of your beloved's worst enemy as a courting gift", "leave a dead mouse at his house", "build him a beautiful nest" etc. it's great IF IZUKU WASNT A HUMAN. they critique katsuki's "courting skill" relentlessly because izuku is sweet, kind, love animals, and is perfect so like,,, can he hurry and snatch the cute human up already before some other bastard does???? because mating is a battlefield!!! you got to fight for your right to have him!!

at this point, with the constant nagging and all the animals being 'helpful', katsuki kinda just want lean over and tell izuku, "so do you just wanna fuck and start a family with me?" so his animals can stfu and also he'd might have lost his mind a lil there lol

#bakudeku #not!fic #vet au

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erin-bo-berin · 5 years

Text

Stargazing

It’s been such a long time since I wrote something and I haven’t written a Spencer Reid fic yet, so here it is. Warning its SMUTTY. Enjoy!

Spencer Reid/Reader

Word Count: 2,999

Rated: M (Smut)

Your feet in the water was the only sound being made in the quiet night. The rest of the team had already turned in, but you decided to hang back for a few moments of peace and quiet.

Earlier in the day Garcia had invited the whole team over to hang out in her new hot tub. It had been a rare few days where the BAU hadn’t had a case and she thought it was a good idea for everyone to relax while we could.

Originally it was just going to be a girls night, you, Tara, JJ, Emily and Penelope hanging out in the hot tub—champagne and girl talk included. Somehow it ended up with the entire team coming over to hang out after Spencer had stopped by to return a book he’d borrowed. If only he’d known the hard time the girls had been giving you just moments before.

You were the newest member to the team, a temporary one at that, at least for now. There’d been talk about making you their permanent press liaison. Besides being the newest to them team, you were also the new youngest; Spencer being the youngest of the team for 15 years the other members were having a blast teasing the new “baby of the BAU”. You were 31 to Spencer’s 38 and apparently that was more than enough excuse for the others—mainly the girls—to try and set you two up.

“Oh come on, Spence is great!” JJ beamed.

“He really is [Y/N],” Emily piped in.

“Come on, you’re hot, he’s got eyes, I mean even he can’t miss that!” Penelope grinned so big, she was on the precipice of looking like a Cheshire Cat.

“Guys, calm down,” you chuckle, “I know he’s great and brilliant. I get along with him well y'all know that.”

“I think he likes southern accents too,” Tara smirked, laughing as she clinked her glass with Penelope’s as the latter nodded vigorously.

“He does. I asked him the other day.”

“Subtle, Penelope, subtle,” you mumble.

“Well technically his exact words were that they’re fine and then he launched into some facts about accents that I couldn’t even remember if I tried.”

“Okay enough, this night isn’t about me,” I smiled, “I want updates on all of your lives.”

The conversation from earlier played through your head and you smiled to yourself. The one thing the ladies didn’t know was the...thing that was happening between you and Spencer. You didn’t know how to explain it exactly. Your banter always seemed friendly with an edge of flirting, but it always left your entire body tingling as if you’d just been shocked by an electrical outlet. You thought it was just in your head, the connection you felt, the chemistry. It was no secret to yourself that you were attracted to the good doctor.

“What are you still doing up?”

You yelped, almost losing your balance and falling straight into the hot tub. The chuckle that followed was instantly recognizable.

“Jeez warn a person before sneaking up on them!” You grin, resteading yourself on the edge.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” Spencer chuckled, sitting down next to you.

“I thought you’d be in bed like everyone else,” you nodded towards the house where the others were crashing for the night, the invitation from Penelope extending to anyone who wanted to stay.

“Couldn’t sleep.” His eyes slid to you before continuing, “Saw the light still on out here and figured I’d check on you.”

Your breath caught, more memories from earlier flitting across your brain. Was he still awake for the same reason you were?

Loud laughter filled the air. Different conversations filled your ears as several team members were having separate conversations with one another. You were busy listening to a story Penelope was telling, JJ seated next to her and across from them sat you and Spencer. You had ironically became like their fourth musketeer since joining the BAU.

“So I’m getting Sergio out of the car at the vet-” Penelope is saying.

You’re trying to hide a grin as you take a sip of champagne—only your second glass, you know how to nurse your drink well—when you feel something brush your thigh. You ignore it, thinking you’ve imagined it as you continue listening to your friend’s story, certain there’s going to be a hilarious ending to this. A couple of minutes pass before you feel the same sensation again only with more pressure. You almost lose grip of your glass as your mind finally registers the feeling—a hand sliding up your thigh.

Your eyes flick to your left at Spencer whose gaze is still on Penelope, listening to her story. It happens quickly but his gaze meets yours, an eyebrow slightly raised as if seeking permission. Your head moves the tiniest bit, an imperceptible nod, but he sees it.

“You’re telling me Sergio managed to get out of his carrier in the middle of the vet’s waiting room and terrorize a nearby bunny?” Spencer laughed.

“He wasn’t terrorizing it!” Penelope exclaimed, “He was trying to be friends! He kept staring at the bunny through the bunny’s carrier. He’s an old man and not a mean one at that.”

Your breath hitched as you felt his touch graze across the thin fabric of your bikini bottom. There was no way this was the same Dr. Reid that was so good at geographic profiling and cracking even the hardest of codes. You found your comprehension of the ongoing conversation starting to cut in and out as the fabric was pulled to the side and his fingers made contact with your bare skin.

“You had to be there I swear-”

“What would you have done if-”

“The vet was cackling when I told him the story and he said-”

You took a gulp of your fizzing drink as his fingertips brushed your clit, your need pulsating twice as much as it was just moments before. It took a great amount of control to keep your jaw from dropping when you felt one of his fingers slip inside you. It had been a while since you’d had any sort of sexual relations with anyone, probably too long by the way you were already shifting, wanting, needing to feel more. One became two and you couldn’t tell if your head was spinning because of the alcohol or because of what Spencer was secretly doing to you underneath the cover of the rumbling water. Most likely the latter. At the back of your mind the thought briefly formed that the feeling between you both was definitely mutual, but you honestly couldn’t spare it much thought currently.

His fingers were moving slowly, torturing you and your teeth came down on your bottom lip. You wanted—no you needed more. One hand left the glass you were holding and went into the water. You silently prayed no one around could notice what’s happening as your hand reached his, trying to push it harder against you. You pretended you were only trying to reposition yourself on the hot tub seat accidentally making you shift closer to him, his fingers moving deeper within you as a result. It was an extreme effort to keep from crying out like you came close to doing.

“You okay?” JJ asked frowning, “Too much champagne?”

“W-What?” you squeaked. You literally squeaked. For God’s sake you wanted to kill Spencer at the moment.

“You looked like you were in pain. For some reason a few months before I got pregnant with Henry, champagne would occasionally give me a stomachache.”

“Oh no, I’m fine.” I answered quickly, “Just got a little sore from sitting in one position for too long.”

She flashed you an understanding smile before merging back into the conversation Penelope and Spencer were having. How the hell was he so calm? You were practically sweating bullets.

His thumb moved in circles against your bundle of nerves. A moan just barely dies in your throat, but it came too close to escaping your mouth. There's pressure building in the pit of your stomach and you can feel your breathing become labored.

Your hand tugs at wrist trying somehow to alert him that you’re quickly coming undone. You’re not sure if you want him to quit or keep going at this rate. You’re almost afraid of what you’ll do if you end up orgasming in front of your friends. Your cheeks heat at the thought and thank the stars that the falling darkness is probably disguising most of this. Before you could say or do anything, his touch is gone completely, leaving you breathless and craving his touch once again.

“Guys, look!” Penelope gasped.

You looked up at the fully darkened night sky as a shooting star went by. You wondered if it was too much to wish that the events that occurred only moments ago, would happen again.

Spencer didn’t acknowledge you for the rest of the night.

Until now.

“I’m amazed. Especially after how calm and controlled you were earlier when you were ignoring me,” you mumbled.

His smirk faded from his lips, his hand coming to rest right next to yours on the edge. It was amazing how much larger his hand was compared to your tiny one.

“I only did that because I was afraid what I might do to you. Even if it was in front of everyone.”

You swore you could feel the blush from your head to your toes.

“So…” he continued, noticing your silence, “That was okay to do right?”

“Yeah, well yes, I mean yeah it was okay.” You inwardly groaned at your nervous stuttering.

“I’m just kind of shocked. Like I didn’t expect that. Where did that come from?” You half chuckled, half exhaled, trying to get a hold of your nerves.

“[Y/N].” His voice was soft, but serious.

You looked up at him, finally looking him in the eye for the first time since he’d joined you.

“I almost died last week.”

You winced thinking back to the last case you all had worked. In a shootout with an unsub, a bullet came close to ending his life. He wasn’t actually hit, but if that bullet had been flying at a slightly different angle it would’ve hit his femoral artery. Even though he was physically fine, the thought seemed to freak him out for days. Sure he’d been shot before, but there was nothing scarier than the knowledge he could’ve died.

You opened your mouth to comfort him, ask him if needed anything, but he interrupted you.

“I’m okay, don’t worry. It just got me thinking. I didn’t want to waste anymore time not letting you know how I actually feel about you.”

As cliche as it was, you were sure you felt your heart skip a beat.

“So I decided to take a chance,” he shrugged, finishing his explanation, his hand moving to rest on your cheek.

His lips were on yours before you could respond and God, did it feel so good to finally kiss him. Maybe it was because of the pent up frustration all your banter brought both of you, but your kisses quickly went from gentle, first kiss territory to more heated. Hands roamed and tongues interlocked before you gently bit his bottom lip eliciting a moan from him, the sound giving you goosebumps. It was so unusual to see him in a state like this, but you weren’t complaining in the slightest.

Your fingers were fumbling with the buttons on his shirt when he kissed a particular sensitive spot just where your jawline and neck met. You’d never had any particular favorite spots before, but it seemed like adding him into the equation made it possible. He sucked lightly before flicking his tongue over it surely leaving a mark, but the action caused you to falter, momentarily forgetting what you were doing.

You could feel him grin into your neck as his hands slid up your back towards the tie of your bikini top. That action snapped you back to reality and you finally got his shirt off between kisses. Your hands moved down his bare chest to his stomach wishing you had the time to cover him in kisses and bruises. But you had other things on your mind at the moment.

Your fingertips reached the top of the trunks he was still wearing and you could feel his breath hitch. It was time for him to get a taste of his own medicine. He pulled away from the kiss as your hand gripped him, his breathing shallow, his jaw slackened. Your lips moved across his jaw innocently as you twisted your wrist tauntingly.

“[Y/N] I’m sure you want payback for earlier,” he croaked, his grip on your hips tightening, “But if you keep that up, I'm gonna be done for right now.”

“Well that’s no good,” you pulled away teasingly, sliding yourself back into the hot tub, “Because I want you to cum inside of me.”

You bit your bottom lip as you untied the last knot of your top and throwing it halfway across the tub. You watch him gulp and join you in the warm water, settling on the bench seat you both shared earlier. A part of you couldn’t believe you were being so brazen, with Spencer of all people. He had a way of making you extremely nervous, but at this moment you couldn’t care at all.

He reached out for you, his hands pulling you to him. You straddled his lap, feeling his arousal brush against your core causing you to whimper before you could realize it. His hands massaged your breasts as your lips locked once again with his. You arched into his touch, moaning into his mouth when his thumbs ran over your already hardened nipples. Every little touch of his felt like an electrical shock throughout your entire body, he was driving you wild.

Your hands were tangled in his curls as you kissed, before you pulled back to whisper, “I’m protected, it’s okay.”

He nodded, already knowing somehow in the time you’d known him from differing conversations that you’d been on birth control since you were a teenager for issues other than for not getting pregnant.

You helped him get the shorts just enough out of the way before he roughly pulled your swim bottoms to the side, his fingers once again sliding over you before lowering you down on him.

You thought you were gonna lose it just feeling him inside you, stretching your walls in such a delicious way.

“Holy shit, Spence,” you moaned, your hips moving slowly, almost as if afraid to lose this feeling.

He hummed, his lips on your chest, hands gripping your sides. Your hands wound into the hair at the back of his neck as your hips rocked together, moans and pants filling the air. Your head was tilted back, eyes closed when he brought your face towards his again, kissing you desperately, tugging on your bottom lip and grunting as your body repeatedly rose and fell against his.

He was watching you intently, knowing him he would remember and relive every second of this with no problem knowing that mind of his. He licked his lips, his chest rising and falling rapidly, curses falling off his beautiful lips.

“Fuck,” he breathed, “I want you to moan my name.”

You bit your lip harder when you shifted the slightest, the new angle making your pleasure intensify that much more. In addition to his words, you were coming undone faster than you expected to.

“I want you to moan my name in that southern accent of yours,” he grunted, eyes never leaving yours.

The knot in your stomach was about to give and he could tell. His hips thrust upward into you wanting to send you into a glorious abyss.

“Oh god. Spencer.”

His name was rugged, breathless and drug out from your lips as you fell over the edge. It felt like lightning shot through your veins, your hands gripping his shoulders so hard you were sure you were gonna leave bruises on the poor guy.

His release soon followed, his face twisted in ecstasy, lips slightly parted as his head fell back against the side in time with the low groan that left his throat.

It took a moment for you both to still, your breathing hard while you chuckled, looking at him still leaning back against the edge.

“You okay?”

“Just stargazing,” he laughs, “Although you might have killed me.”

You grinned shoving his shoulder lightly, repositioning yourself so you were next to him and clothed once again.

“Did you know that-”

“Spencer I swear if you’re about to give me some statistic on sexual relations, I’m leaving,” you laugh.

“I wasn’t!” he laughed, “I was going to say, did you know that the first constellation ever described was in a poem written in 270 B.C. by the Greek poet Aratus.”

“Really?” You asked, laying back to look at the stars with him. You listened intently as he continued with his lessons in astrology.

In the morning, the rest of the team found you both in the kitchen, still in swimwear from the night before. There were surprisingly no comments but there were several suspicious looks, that is until Luke walked in.

“What were you guys doing in the hot tub for so long last night? I got up for water in the middle of the night and saw the light still on out there.”

“Oh nothing,” Spencer replied from his spot where he was pouring orange juice at the counter, “Just a little astronomy lesson. I was teaching Y/N how to see stars.”

He winked at you, just as Penelope walked in, noticing the whole exchange.

And as usual for the BAU’s Tech Analyst to never miss a thing she groaned.

“Oh God, I’m gonna have to burn that hot tub now!”

#spencer reid #spencer reid fic #dr spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds fic

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evanescentform · 5 years

Text

Feline Friendly | Shiloh & Skylar

Shiloh had a talk with Jiji about their incoming visitor. She assured him that she was nice and also new to animals so to make a good first impression. Yet to be himself at the same time. It might be conflicting but she’d leave that to him to figure it out as he lounged on the thankfully wide back of the sofa. If it were any slimmer he wouldn’t be able to comfortably rest on it. It didn’t occur to Shiloh that now that Skylar was coming over, they’d have to do something other than introduce Jiji to her and what if he wasn’t feeling it and disappeared upstairs under her bed early on?--Oh! Skylar mentioned Studio Ghibli, maybe they could watch the films on netflix? Either way Shiloh was getting ahead of herself. She heard a knock on her door. Jiji’s bell jingled as he turned to the door and looked at Shiloh with eyes wide. “Hey, remember what I said. She’s nice. Be calm. Be cool.” She walked over to open the door, hearing the familiar thump of him falling to the floor. “Hey, you’re here! Come on in. Do you want anything to drink?” She greeted Skylar, ignoring the fact that Jiji most likely went to go hide.

Walking up to the cabin, Skylar took in the house with wide eyes. Shiloh hadn’t been kidding when she said that she did woodworking. Growing up in the middle of Seattle meant that, while she was used to tall pine trees and mountains in the background, they were just that. In the background. Her fingers fidgeted at her side as she walked towards the cabin. The woods all around and the nearby lake were definitely not things she was used to and Skylar felt very out of her element. Even if water was apparently supposed to be… her element. “Nope, nope, nope. Not now.” She mumbled to herself before knocking on the door. “Hi! Sorry for taking so long, it was a little tricky getting out here.” She said brightly, hoping that being energetic would hide her nervousness. “Um, just water’s fine, thank you.” Skylar said as she stepped inside, looking around curiously. Her home growing up had been ultra-modern, with lots of sharp angles and black and white; this house was very much the opposite of that. “This is a really pretty place. Did you and your father build it?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I probably should have given clearer directions.” It was a bit of a weird drive since it was off the main road and the dirt road was a little unsettling. She had to admit it had taken some getting used to when she moved in. Shiloh walked over to her cupboard, pulling out a glass and then pouring Skylar a drink of water. “Well, the foundation was still standing when we moved, but we remodeled and furnished the whole place. It was in poor condition.” She walked back handing Skylar her drink. Pushing her hair behind her ears, she gave a shy smile before ushering Skylar to couch. “Oh, have a seat. Jiji should be here somewhere.” She chuckled nervously. Where was that fat cat? She glanced around, not finding him. “I’m sorry, he might have hid---” She spotted him at the highest spot on his cat tower, peering down at them. “Ah, there he is.” She chuckled, amused at his behavior. “I told you he’s a bit shy.” She came closer to him but he had his eyes on Skylar.

“Don’t worry about it, really. Ah, thanks,” Skylar said taking a sip of water before following Shiloh through the living room area. “Oh wow, that’s really cool. How long did that take?” She asked, still taking in the cabin. It was pretty clear that a lot of time and energy had gone into the house, even if she didn’t really know the specifics of it. Settling down on the couch, Skylar looked over where Shiloh directed her and was surprised to see a black void perched at the top of a cat tower, wide eyes staring directly at her. “Oh! Wow, you’re right, he’s bigger than I thought.” She said before realizing how that sounded, “Sorry, I didn’t mean that like he’s fat or something! He’s not fat, he’s just really big. But not--” Sighing, Skylar shook her head. She sounded like an idiot. “Shy’s fine by me, I can relate to that.” She said with a weak laugh. Mm. Idiot.

“A few years. We focused on the house first so we could have a place to live. Room to room. It still needs some work but overall it’s livable.” Shiloh reached out to him, able to touch him and put her hand over his head but she was on her tip toes. She cursed herself for making it so high up but she heard cats like to be in high places so she wanted to make sure Jiji was comfortable. Thankfully he didn’t go up the stairs and watch them from there. Shiloh pulled her hand away as she broke out in laughter. “Oh god, he is fat don’t worry.” She looked back up to him and he jerked his head to her but when Skylar spoke he looked back at her. “Okay but there’s shy and there’s hiding at the top of a cat tower and creepily watching your every move.” Once again she gestured to her cat. “I’ll get him down he’s just being a big baby.”

“That makes sense. That’s really impressive, I’m sure you must be really pleased with the outcome.” Skylar said. Years, wow. When her parents had decided to remodel their house, it hadn’t taken that long, but they’d hired an entire team of builders and an architect. Watching as Shiloh strained up to pet Jiji, Skylar stifled a small laugh. That was probably rude of her, but it was funny-- were cat towers normally so tall? Walking up towards her, Skylar watched the cat curiously, not really sure what else she should do. If he was shy, she didn’t really want to reach out and just try to touch him. Cats had claws and she didn’t really want to get scratched. “You don’t need to do that, really. He looks really cute up there. How old is he?”

“Yeah, it’s the closest we’ve come to building our own home. It’s really cool.” Shiloh was happy that Skylar seemed to be interested in her work. Most people weren’t. Maybe Shiloh was just meeting the wrong people. She caught what sounded like a laugh but didn’t know what had made Skylar laugh. “What?” She swiped at her back. “Have I got something on me?” Cat hair most likely but that wouldn’t make someone want to laugh. Did she have some weird looking stain on her back? How embarrassing. Still she smiled, it was nice to see Skylar smile in return. “I have no idea. He was already pretty big to begin with and the vet said he was like a year old when we found him so he’s like seven or six.” She looked back at him as he continued to stare. “Are you sure though? You came all this way to see him and he’s just being a creep.”

“That’s awesome, not many people can say that they’ve done that.” She said with a nod. When Shiloh asked her why she’d laughed, Skylar’s face turned slightly pink. She hadn’t realized she’d laughed that loudly, she thought she’d been quiet about it. Heck. “No, no. Sorry. It’s just,” She walked over to stand next to Shiloh and tilted her head up at the cat who was still watching her intently, “Seeing you reaching up like that, it was a little funny. Does he usually make you work to get to him? Or is he hiding up there because of me?” She asked before reaching her hand up tentatively to see how he’d react. Hopefully he wouldn’t smack her. “Ah, that’s cool. He’s the same age as one of the students I work with.” Skylar nodded. The difference was, her student was… not a cat. Very much a human kid, at least to her knowledge. Oh god. Were some of her students not human?

“I’m happy my struggles amuse you,” Shiloh teased, turning to Skylar with bright eyes. “He only goes up there when there’s strangers in the house…” Shiloh trailed off looking back at him, narrowing her eyes. She saw Skylar reach up to Jiji and he picked his head. In that moment she was nervous about how he’d react but when he leaned forward in curiosity to sniff at her fingers she felt herself relax. He’s never shown aggression to people or anyone at all. Just the occasional killing out the animals outside. Most of the time he just runs and hides. “Jiji,” she spoke, her voice rising to baby talk to him. “See Jiji, she’s nice.” She looked over at Skylar. “He’s being friendly with you. It’s a good start.” Her voice returned back to normal.

The teasing nature of Shiloh’s words went right over Skylar’s head and she shook her head apologetically, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have laughed.” She apologized, too focused on the cat hovering above her to read the other woman’s body language. Watching Jiji intently, she kept her hand still as he began to poke his way over, his nose twitching. Aw, that was actually really cute. The way he looked at her with those big eyes reminded her of some of those cat videos she’d seen online. The rising pitch of Shiloh’s voice caught Skylar’s attention, her hearing aids picking the sounds up. “I keep expecting him to talk back to me. Like in the movie or something.” She said. “I’m glad that he doesn’t mind me.” Wiggling her fingers, she smiled as she watched the cat continue to eye her. Dogs were definitely not her thing, but cats… if they were all like this, she could get used to them.

Maybe it was their closeness or the fact that they had met before and have had a nice conversation since but Shiloh reached out and set a hand on Skylar’s forearm. “Hey, I was just teasing you. I swear I’m not upset.” She smiled in an effort to show everything was alright. The last thing she wanted was to ruin this all because she made Skylar feel bad. Although now that she had got Skylar’s attention maybe they were a bit too close and she didn’t remember her being that tall last time. Shiloh turned back to the cat, moving closer to him and further from Skylar. She reached out to give his ear a slight tug. “I wonder how his voice would sound if he could speak.” His ear twitched after, making him shake his head. “Do you want to give him a treat?” She asked, knowing he should be receptive to treats. Although she worried how Skylar would feel if he became more pushy.

At Shiloh’s light touch, Skylar blinked in confusion, a sentiment that only increased as she processed the words. Oh, dammit. She’d messed up, hadn’t she? “Sorry! I-- My bad. I don’t always… get stuff like that.” She admitted, pointing to her hearing aids. It was a pitch thing. She might hear the words but things like pitch and tone were harder for her to figure out. Realizing how close she was standing to Shiloh, Skylar scooted back a bit as the other woman also moved away. Had she been crowding her? She hadn’t meant to. Personal space was a big thing for some people, and she would know that. Ack. Oh dear. “Um, sure! That works for me.” She said with a small smile.

“Oh.” Shiloh hadn’t known that. Either way she walked over to her counter grabbing at the bag of treats. At the sound of the bag Jiji turned to look. Shiloh smiled as she heard the sound of his bell. As she turned around, Jiji had gotten up and was looking around to figure out the best route to the treats. “You see how excited he is?” Shiloh opened the bag and gave one to Skylar. “Here. Just hold it out for him. He should take it. You might feel his teeth but he won’t bite.” She felt confident she understood his cat, he had stood up in his tower, tail up, clearly interested in the treats.

“Yeah. With the whole hard of hearing thing, it’s harder for me to hear changes in tone? And, just generally speaking, I have a harder time hearing people with higher voices, even with these. But, it’s not like you knew that! Sorry, I should have told you sooner, I usually tell people this sort of thing… sooner.” Skylar rambled before her voice trailed off awkwardly. The treat bag luring Jiji forward was a welcome distraction. Holding out the treat, she watched as the cat’s pupils grew large, his gaze focused on her fingers. With a cautious sniff, Jiji took that treat from her hand. Skylar’s face broke out into a wide smile as the cat munched on the treat, teeth crunching down on it. “Aw, he’s so cute. You weren’t kidding when you said he likes food.” Emboldened, she reached out and tentatively stroked the cat’s soft black fur.

Shiloh nodded in understanding, having known there had to be differences in being hard of hearing and hearing, but she obviously didn’t know the specifics but was thankful for Skylar being able to educate her. She hoped to learn more from her. She smiled at the sight of Jiji and Skylar getting along. “You should see how he gets when I open anything that makes a sound similar to his treat bag. It’s a problem.” She chuckled at the memories of it. As she shut the bag, he decided it was time to climb down from the cat tower, jumping from one bed to the other until he was close enough to the ground to jump down with a heavy thud. Shiloh giggled as he meowed and walked to. “I don’t have them,” she said as she hid the treats behind her back. He weaved between her legs until sniffing the air and tentatively walking close to Skylar. Shiloh took the moment to toss the treats back on the counter. “So what’s your opinion on cats?”

Skylar let out a chuckle as she watched Jiji lick his lips, looking at them both expectantly. “Like if you have a bag of dried fruit or something? I’m sure that probably sounds similar to him. What a silly guy.” She said. She was glad that Shiloh didn’t seem to have a problem with her hearing situation. Which really shouldn’t surprise her, given that when they’d first met, she had attempted to learn her sign name. It had been a sweet gesture. Even if the situation had been mortifying, it was nice that she’d even expressed an interest. Watching as Jiji hopped down the cat tower to the ground, Skylar stood still as he approached her. She bent down slightly, extending her hand to rub his head, petting him behind the ear. He didn’t seem to hate it, which was a plus in her book. “I like them a lot more than dogs. And he’s very cute.” She said, looking up at Shiloh with a smile.

“A wrapper, a bag of chips, anything and he’ll want it.” Shiloh watched the two of them interact, finding it cute. Still she found herself looking more at Skylar than Jiji. When Skylar looked up she thought she’d got caught staring and broke eye contact with a small laugh as she walked over to the couch. “I’ve met some nice dogs, but I have to admit, I like him better than any dog I’ve ever met.” She was pleased that Skylar had a positive experience with her cat, especially with how hesitant she felt when talking about dogs. “You’re free to come visit him whenever you’d like. Of course, just let me know and I’ll make sure I’m home to let you in.”

“Aw… Those aren’t for you, though, buddy.” Skylar said as she continued to pet the cat, her fingers moving to tickle him under the chin. His eyes remained trained on her, but he allowed it to happen. What a cute cat. And, honestly, this was a lot more than she expected from him. She’d done a little bit of reading about cats before coming by and she’d heard that a lot of cats would hide when new people entered a home. The fact that she was able to play with him was nice. Looking up at Shiloh, she shook her head, “Oh, no. I wouldn’t want to intrude. But, thanks. Um...” Straightening, she began to sign and speak at the same time. “Would you like to know the sign for “cat”? It’s a kinda cute one. It goes like this,” Skylar demonstrated the sign, making a pinching motion outwards from her face. “They’re like whiskers.”

“It wouldn’t be intruding,” Shiloh clarified, wanting to make sure Skylar understood that. She was going to speak up and say it would be nice to see Skylar too but she was already talking and it was better left unsaid. At the mention of her talking about signing, Shiloh’s attention went completely on Skylar, smiling as she signed “cat”. “Oh, that’s so cute. It really is like whiskers.” She shifted in her seat. “Can you do it again?” Shiloh asked, wanting to pay more attention to the sign to make sure she got it right. She caught the pinch but she didn’t know if she was supposed to do anything else with her fingers. When she did repeat, Shiloh tried to sign it back. “Did I get it right?”

“Yeah! Here,” Skylar said, doing it slower, making sure to emphasize the drawing away from the face. She watched Shiloh attempt to repeat the sign, making a pinching gesture near her face. Skylar smiled. It wasn’t quite right. “So, that’s half of the sign for “mustache.”” She said before repeating the gesture, “You’ll make an F with your hands. F, like Feline. And then you make that pinching motion and pull away from your face.” She said. It was really nice that Shiloh was willing to learn these things, she really appreciated it. “Do you remember the sign for my name?” She asked, a little curious to know if her brief lesson had stuck.

Shiloh laughed when Skylar said she was signing mustache instead of cat. So she was grateful Skylar took it slower this time. She made the sign for F and then pinched and pulled away from her face. “Like that?” She hoped it resembled the sign for cat more than for mustache this time. At the mention of Skylar’s name, Shiloh perked up. “Yeah! Of course I do!” She remembered the S, the positioning of her thumb in the fist and then touching her head before making a cross with her fingers for optimist. “That’s it right?”

“That’s it, yup!” Skylar nodded, excited to see Shiloh picking it up so quickly. In her experience, most people seemed to pick up on the basics of sign language pretty easily. Signs made a lot of sense when you knew the context of the words and when they were created. It was only when you got into the ASL specific grammar that things became a little dicey for hearing people who were used to English grammar. “Mhm, that’s me. You even got it right on the first try.” Skylar said, her smile bright. “I’m impressed, not everyone gets it. If you’d like, I can teach you how to spell your name.” She offered. ASL was her comfort zone, it was easy for her to talk about. And it helped distract her from the fact that Shiloh was standing quite close to her, and the fact that her hands were beginning to get weird and slimey. And this time around, she didn’t even have her jacket to hide them in. Crap.

Shiloh smiled proudly at impressing Skylar, hoping the slight blush on her face wasn’t too obvious. She didn’t want to mention that she practiced it a few times since they’ve met. That would have been a little embarrassing. Just thinking about how she would stand in front of her mirror to see how it would look like… yeah there’s no need for Skylar to know that. “Oh, yeah, can you?” Shiloh already knew what S was, but hadn’t bothered to learn the rest of the alphabet. Although she wondered if she should. Would that impress Skylar? “So this is S,” she signed once more. “What’s the rest?”

“Absolutely,” Skylar said with a happy nod. She blinked once in slight confusion as she caught sight of the slight warmth to Shiloh’s cheeks-- was something wrong? Why was she blushing? Pushing the question out of her mind, Skylar did her best to casually wipe her hands against her jeans before signing Shiloh’s name once slowly. “So, you’ve got S down pat. H looks like this,” She held her index and middle fingers together in front of her body, pointing to the left. “I is just your pinky finger up in the air. L looks like an L. O also looks like an O. And then H again!” She said, signing the letters very slowly and deliberately to allow Shiloh time to read them. “Nice and easy.”

Shiloh looked at Skylar’s hand holding her own in front of her. The others seemed simple but H… she put her index and middle finger together but didn’t know if the rest of her fingers were tucked in right. “Like that?” She glanced up at Skylar after fumbling with her own fingers, she even outstretched her hand closer to Skylar. “I don’t want to accidentally sign something else.” She chuckled at the thought. I, L and O were simple ones. They were easy enough with some practice. Still, it did take time for Shiloh to have to remember what the sign was for the letter and also recall the next letter in her name, maybe she was getting too nervous because she was sure she’d forget how her name was spelled right about now.

“Ah, not quite. Um, do you mind if I..?” Skylar asked, gesturing to Shiloh’s hand before fixing her form. “It’s kind of like making a finger gun, but with two fingers. And you keep your thumb down. So not really like a finger gun at all.” She said, hoping that her hands weren’t too damp. Quickly pulling away, she nodded. “It’s okay if you do make a mistake, though. Most people who sign are pretty patient if they can tell that you’re making an effort. I once knew a guy who accidentally cussed out my friend instead of asking for a glass of water,” Skylar said with a rueful laugh. “He got the sign for “water” wrong and accidentally signed “Bitch, please.” It was an honest mistake, really. But, we never let him forget that.”

Shiloh watched, letting her fingers be manipulated to the proper form. She was glad she could actually pay attention because she worried in the back of her mind that Skylar would think her rough hands were weird. But she tried to instead focus on how the H was supposed to be signed. “Wait, he really did that?” Shiloh couldn’t believe that it could be that easy to say something completely different. She shook her head laughing at that, thinking back to the languages she had learned and some mistakes she made. She tried signing her name once more. Careful when it came to H, but was more fluid with the rest of the letters. “Cool. I know my name now.” She looked to Skylar, awaiting her approval.

Shiloh’s hands were surprisingly calloused, which caught Skylar off guard. But, when she remembered that the woman had literally helped rebuild this house, it made sense. Woodworking would probably do that to anyone’s hands. “Mhm. He was super embarrassed. But, I can’t blame him. This is the sign for water,” She held up her hand in a W and tapped the side of her pointer finger to her chin. “This… is the sign for “bitch.” Don’t go spreading this one around.” Skylar said firmly. Too many people were only interested in learning swear words and she didn’t want to see people cursing at each other on the street. Trusting that Shiloh wouldn’t, she demonstrated the sign quickly. “They’re close.” She said with a shrug. Watching the woman make her way through the letters, Skylar nodded happily. “Yes! That was really good! I’m impressed, it usually takes people a while to get the basics.”

Shiloh tried to make sense of the sign but Skylar was going pretty fast. If Shiloh had to recreate it, it’d be butchered. So it worked out. Shiloh really couldn’t spread that around even if she wanted to. Yet, she smiled at the firmness of it. “I would never Ms. McKay.” She teased her, knowing she meant well. Shiloh didn’t even try to even sign it back, happy with just knowing her name and Skylar’s for now. “I guess I must have a really good teacher then.” Shiloh complimented, really amazed by how patient Skylar seemed. Not only that but she was truly willing to teach Shiloh and not just let her continue to struggle with the sign. “I have a question though. Why is your name in sign different than how I spell my name? Yours is an S and optimist?” Shiloh signed it as she spoke. “But I just spell mine? Is it just because it’s easier?”

Skylar’s face turned bright red when Shiloh called her Ms. McKay. She’d slipped into teacher mode, hadn’t she? But, the way she was smiling-- ah. Teasing. She was teasing her. Got it. Don’t be silly Skylar, just pay attention, she mentally reprimanded herself. “I don’t know about that. Natural talent helps.” She said, shrugging off the compliment. She was only an interpreter, her little sign lessons were just a hobby. When Shiloh asked her about the difference between her sign name and the fingerspelling version, Skylar tilted her head, impressed. “Good catch. So, in the deaf community, there are sign names.” She demonstrated with her own name, “And if you’re a part of the deaf community, you’re given a name to make it easier to talk either about you or to you. You have to be given a sign name, you can’t choose it for yourself. It’s usually something about your personality, or how you look. I’ve always been an optimist, that’s why mine’s like that. Since you’re hearing, you’ll have to fingerspell your name until you’re given one.” She said, fingerspelling her own name. All the talking about ASL had eased her nerves and she was relieved that her hands were no longer slick. Thank god.

Shiloh caught her blush, but didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She hoped it was good. After all Skylar had made her blush, so it was only fair she got to do the same. Still, she truly thought Skylar patience made her more comfortable to try to sign. She just seemed like an easy person to be around. “That’s really cool.” Shiloh wondered what hers might be. She didn’t think she had anything that stood out, personality or appearance-wise. Still, she supposed she might find out eventually. “I will continue to fingerspell until I’m given the honor.” Shiloh exaggerated but she truly believed it would be something really special, to be given a sign name. Until then she was happy with what she knew. “Just for the record, I enjoy your sign language lessons. Thank you for them.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Skylar said brightly. Not everyone cared enough to learn about the cultural aspects of sign. A lot of people didn’t even realize that the deaf and hard of hearing community even had a different culture. But, Shiloh’s interest was really reaffirming in a lot of ways. “Ah! Mhm.” Skylar dipped her head to look at the ground, a little embarrassed. She’d never given someone a sign name before. “Oh, you’re welcome. I didn’t mean to turn this into a sign language lesson, though.” She said, waving her hands apologetically.

“I like it.” Shiloh reassured her. “The impromptu lessons make it easier to understand, if that makes sense?” Shiloh never really excelled in a school setting so she was grateful she could learn something in a normal environment. It made Shiloh more interested in that way. Made her seek it out to learn instead of just sitting down and having it thrown at her. “Do you… maybe want to watch a movie? I think there’s some Studio Ghibli movies on Netflix.” Shiloh asked, hoping she would agree to it, wanting to spend more time with her and watching a movie took away the pressure of having to come up with some conversation.

Hearing that Shiloh didn’t mind her little sidebar lesson allowed Skylar to relax a bit. Even though she was still a little intimidated by the other woman, it was good to hear that she was happy to learn. At the suggestion of watching a movie, Skylar bit her lip, weighing the choice. She was a sucker for a Ghibli movie… And hanging out with Shiloh a little more had helped ease some of the nerves she felt around her. As she struggled to figure out her decision, she felt something warm brush against her leg and Skylar looked down to see Jiji rubbing up against her, his eyes looking elsewhere as though to ignore her. She let out a small laugh and nodded. “Yeah, I’d love to.” She said warmly.

#feline friendly #theskyeandsea #chatzy

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whatcouldgowrong-ohthat · 5 years

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Hurts to be Human Chapter 3

Hey guys!! I have internet!! It’s a miracle!! But because I don’t have it long, I am not having this edited. Just going for it and hoping for the best. o.o But here is chapter 3 of Hurts to be Human!! Thank you for being patient!!!

Warnings: I mean, I don’t really think there are any? I think it’s all good this time around!!

Please don’t post this anywhere without my permission o.o

No gif because I suck..I’m sorry :(

Chapter Three — Walk Me Home

“Life isn’t picking and choosing where you left off and where you can begin again, Bucky.”

Bucky shifted his gaze from the ground to the man sitting across from him. He was older, fought in Vietnam. He was someone he could relate to. A vet with a rough past, someone who did things they weren’t exactly proud of. It was why Sam recommended him. Hell, it was why he worked as his therapist. And seeing him, the man reminded Bucky of when he and Steve had seen Snow White. He was shorter, on the rounder side with constantly flushed cheeks, a big nose, and glasses.

Thus the nickname “Doc” was born.

It helped that he was also a doctor, but the nickname definitely had nothing to do with that and had everything to do with the Disney classic.

“I know, I know,” Bucky agreed, unclasping his hands and leaning back on the couch. He slouched, still not as short as Doc was in his chair. No, still the man managed to be shorter than him. It was incredible really. Bucky couldn’t help, but wonder — how short was the guy’s torso? It was a thought that crossed his mind at least once every session.

“Bucky, are you listening?” Bucky jerked, blinking when he realized he’d zoned out. It happened only when Doc tried telling him something he didn’t like. They both knew it and Doc wasn’t fond of it. “You do know that you pay me for my honesty and help, right?”

Bucky chuckled, smiling as he ran a hand through his short hair. Still, he wasn’t used to the length. He was used to the mane he had for sixty years. Give or take a few. It was a shield, a barrier to protect him from the outside world. Doc and him had several sessions over cutting it and how that would open Bucky up, provide him with a new level of vulnerability. And now that vulnerability meant a different sort of relationship with Y/N.

Y.N. That damn woman. She had been at the compound for two weeks, constantly working on damage control with the media while Sharon took on the government. They finally took the time to explain to Sam and Bucky what was going on and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like that she had to clean up his mess. She was back. Shouldn’t he be taking the time to learn about the woman she had become? Especially after their last conversation? It seemed playing pretend provided new opportunities to frustrate Bucky. He wanted to go back, not to the way they left things, but back to when things were good.

And Doc was reminding him that that was not a good idea.

“Believe me, it’s hard to forget,” he snarked back, earning an amused chuckle from the old man. Old man. Bucky chuckled to himself. He was still older than Doc, but he looked far from it. “And I do understand, but…”

“You miss her.”

Bucky frowned, looking away. He wasn’t ready to admit that — not aloud, not to anyone else. If he did, that meant there was a whole new level of admitting, of facing the thing he had walked away from.

“It’s okay to miss her. She was your closest friend after Steve left. And when she did —“

“Thin ice, Doc.”

He quieted and Bucky managed to breath a sigh of relief, his shoulders relaxing in the slightest sort of way. The phrase was a warning, something they had come up with when Doc pried too fast. At first it was something used every week. The initial wall Bucky had, required Doc earning his trust, earning his thoughts and concerns so that they could make progress. He hadn’t actually used the phrase in almost a year. Then again, they hadn’t talked about Y/N in almost a year.

Drumming his pen on his fingers, Doc tried to tread carefully on the sensitive topic. Silence fell between them in those moments. What about Y/N was safe to discuss and yet would bring about an opportunity for Bucky to open up more? Finally, Doc asked, “You said she has a pet now? Was that something she was initially against?”

Bucky nodded. “H.D. I…when we were together, I always talked about getting a pet. Something to take care of.”

“And something that could also take care of you.” Doc smiled knowingly as Bucky looked up. Clearly the super soldier hadn’t expected that to be so blatantly clear. “Pets have a way of bringing out a person’s softer side. They’re good for us. It’s why we train them to be service animals. It’s no surprise to hear that was something you were considering.”

Bucky was bitter as he muttered, “She was so against it.”

“Why?”

Frustrated. “Hell if I know. She told me it was because they’re too needy.”

“You sound like you don’t believe that.”

He sighed, running his hands through his hair. The feeling was a distraction from the topic at hand. At one point in his life, he rarely touched his hair. When he became the Winter Soldier, it was simply to get it out of his sight when lining up a target. Once he reunited with Steve, it became a nervous habit, something he used to bring him back to his reality. The habit, something Y/N often teased him about, was something he still couldn’t break. It was comforting in an odd sort of way.

“Bucky?”

He looked up, blinking before he finally answered, “No, of course I don’t. This is the same girl that would run up to dogs in the park. She’d beg the owners to let her pet them, Doc. At shelters, she would have as many cats as possible just curled up on her as if she were wearing a ‘welcome home’ sign. Hell, Finding Nemo was one of her favorite movies and she bought a mug with that dog from Up on it. Someone like that doesn’t think pets are too needy.”

“No?”

Bucky hesitated, knowing why Doc was questioning him. He wanted Bucky to think past the rashness of his initial thoughts and assumptions. Though his process was always quick and calculating, it was more often right when he was the Winter Soldier. Now? He was just Bucky.

Even so, he felt he was right. He knew he was right.

“No. Y/N wasn’t avoiding the idea of a pet because they’re needy. It…” He hesitated as the realization finally sunk in, heavy like a hunk of lead on his heart. “She felt broken. Feeling like that, knowing you’re broken, you don’t feel like you deserve to have anything good in your life. Not even something as small as a pet because they…well, they need you, they rely on you.”

“Some people seem to believe they might not be fully capable of taking care of a pet to the extent the animal deserves.”

“Fuck, I’m an ass,” Bucky groaned, running a hand over his face.

Doc laughed, shaking his head. “Far from it, Bucky. You’re human and you’re one of those in the world that has been put through a great deal.”

“But shouldn’t I have realized or noticed? Something?” Doc didn’t say anything, only looking at him. It was frustrating to say the least. “Come on, Doc.”

Doc adjusted his glasses and wrote something down before explaining, “I don’t think so. While we haven’t talked much about Y/N in the past, what you have told me has provided me enough clarity on the subject. The two of you were working through a great deal and relying on each other in a way that eventually became unhealthy. It lacked stability, communication, and openness. Instead, the two of you became lost in yourselves and your own trauma. With that in mind, it’s only understandable that you’d grow oblivious in each other’s needs while sorting through your own.”

Bucky stared at the ground, unable to let go of the guilt that twisted in his gut. They were supposed to be a team and yet he had grown completely oblivious to her and her needs. She had felt broken, shattered, and he never even realized.

—

Bucky’s session had ended not long after his realization. It seemed he always had the best timing when it came to his time with Doc. A miraculous breakthrough followed by the last five minutes and Doc doing his best to work with the time he had. Stepping outside, he quickly took a step back when he saw the downpour that greeted him.

He truly did have the best timing, didn’t he?

Staring up at the darkened sky, Bucky huffed a frustrated sigh and watched as the cold air tinted his breath. Adjusting his leather jacket, he allowed the rough material to protect him from the chill. Then came tugging at his gloves, keeping his metal arm hidden from onlookers. Always careful, always checking. It was part of his routine.

As he searched for what he hoped would be a much needed pause in the weather, he noticed the art gallery across the street. It was something new and edgy that Shuri had told him to look into. Apparently it was one of her favorite places to visit when she stopped by. He never did look into it, of course. The only art he really looked at was Steve’s and that stopped a long time ago. No, now he looked not because of the art, but because of who was finishing with a purchase just inside. He smiled, leaning against the brick wall as he watched her. This wasn’t weird, right? Watching her? As a curious and concerned friend?

No, certainly not weird at all.

Today she had worn one of those slouchy beanies he’d often seen this time of year. It was a maroon sort of color, the shade complimenting her skin as if it was made for her. She turned and stepped outside and his eyebrows shot up. Over the leggings and boots, over the t-shirt, barely peeking through, was the leather jacket he’d given her all those years ago.

It could be a new one.

He brushed aside the voice in his head, searching for the key to knowing whether his hopes were true. She turned, facing his direction, and immediately he couldn’t stop himself from smiling. There, on the corner of the collar, was a red star that matched the one from his old arm. She’d insisted on getting it to symbolize that she wasn’t scared of that part of his past. Everyone teased her about it, but she never seemed to care.

And she kept it.

That had to mean something, right?

“Y/N!”

She looked at him, that familiar surprise flashing across her features for only a brief moment before she smiled. They had been making progress in their friendship, but it never seemed to go farther than morning coffee or running into each other in the hall. They were friendly, but he wouldn’t exactly call them friends. Now? He had a chance to spend time with her. He had a chance to actually be her friend.

Glancing from one side of the street to the other, he quickly jogged across and joined her side. He noticed the canvas tucked under her arm, neatly packaged away so as to protect it from the weather. A part of him wanted to ask, but he knew better. Y/N was still painfully private, still guarded. He had to show her that she could trust him again.

“What are you doing here?” She was curious, brow furrowed and a breathy laugh escaping her. The last person either of them expected to run into was obviously the person standing before them.

Bucky gestured to the building he had just left, shrugging. “Therapy. What about you? Since when are you an art fanatic?” He grinned, unable to help himself as he gestured to the rather large piece she held close to her side.

She glanced down at the package, her ears turning a light pink. Looking at him, a sheepish smile and small shrug were her only form of explanation before she finally elaborated. “I was sick of looking at blank walls. Tony didn’t exactly pick the prettiest shade of white to paint the whole damn place. I swear, I was starting to feel like I was in some sort of mental ward.”

He nodded. “Fair enough.”

Joining her side, the two started walking down the street. Neither seemed to be entirely sure where they were headed or aware of the fact that the rain was giving its best attempts at soaking them to the bone. Instead, they simply enjoyed each other’s presence, as if it were a gift.

“I can carry that for you,” he offered, finally breaking the silence that had seemingly settled between them. He’d noticed her shift the awkward thing a few times, trying to find a way to carry it. It seemed there was no way.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. It’s not heavy. Just awkward, you know?”

“I figured, but I really don’t mind helping. That’s what friends are for, right?”

Y/N rolled her eyes and begrudgingly let him take the canvas. He tucked it under his metal arm, his free hand brushing against hers as it dropped back to his side. Every instinct in him wanted to reach out, to touch her. Even when they were friends, she always let him touch her. It was his way of staying grounded when he first went through losing Steve. He had relied on it, rarely ever letting her stray far because he craved the physical contact. The feeling, that connection, was what bonded them for so long.

But that was then and this is now.

Now, that urge didn’t feel quite the same. He wanted to touch her, but it wasn’t so desperate. There wasn’t a need or desperation to touch her, to drink her in as if she was the very water he needed to live. Instead, the feeling was subtle, reminding him of the small breeze that would come in when summer transitioned to fall. It was cool, calming — something to be appreciated. When did that feeling change? When did that carnal, overwhelming craving shift into something far sweeter?

“Bucky?”

He looked up, surprised to see Y/N waving a hand in his face. She laughed at the doe-eyed look of bewilderment that came with those bright blue eyes and parted lips. He looked like a child hearing their mother call their name for the fifth time, middle name and all creating that look of a deer caught in the headlights.

“You alright?”

Clearing his throat, Bucky nodded and the two kept walking. “Yeah, just —“

“Thinking? Was it about your session?”

No. “Yeah.” Really, is lying the best way to get their friendship going? He hesitated. “No,” he corrected.

“So which is it?”

Bucky laughed at the way she raised her eyebrow, knowing if she drew it up any further it would get lost in her hairline. “No, I wasn’t thinking about my session.”

“Then…penny for your thoughts?”

He looked away from her, shrugging. How could he voice how he was feeling? The thoughts in his head? How could he tell her that a part of him missed what they were, but understood her wishes?

Just tell her, Buck. You won’t get very far with someone like Y/N if you aren’t honest. The familiar sound of Sam’s voice reminded him that the birdbrain was basically the angel on his shoulder. He might drive Bucky crazy, but his intentions were true and good, always looking out for Bucky’s best interests.

You lost her once. Tell her that bullshit in your head and she won’t be sticking around much longer. There it was. The Winter Soldier, a reminder of what he had been. Working with Doc had muddled that voice for the most part, but he and Doc both knew they could never fully rid him of the devil in his head.

It seemed he was always fighting, always trying to figure who was best to listen to. Why couldn’t he ever listen to himself?

His silence left an impression that perhaps Y/N had overstepped. She ducked her head, rubbing the back of her head as she told him, “You don’t have to share. Sorry for —“

“No!” His panicked voice came out a little higher, a little squeakier, and left a bright pink hue on his cheeks. She looked up, biting her lip to keep herself from laughing. “I — You don’t have to apologize, Y/N.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.” He nudged her gently and was happy to see her shoulders relax. She even knocked into him playfully, something he hadn’t expected. That was a good sign, right? He bit the inside of his cheek before finally telling her, “I was thinking about how much I missed this.”

Confusion. That was the look that greeted him.

Genius. Fuck that birdbrain. Fuck the fact that he could hear the damn guy in his head all the time.

“Missed what?”

Bucky gestured between them as he elaborated. “This. Us. I missed having my best friend around. I mean, the ‘why’ you’re here sucks, that’s for sure, but I’m really glad you’re back. Does that make sense?”

She smiled. It was brilliant and as bright as the one she offered to everyone else. Slowly, she was letting him back in. Slowly, but just as surely as he was letting her. They needed baby steps and time. Moments like this would certainly help. “I am too. Don’t tell Fury I said this, but I’m glad he found me.”

“Knowing Fury, I think it’s safe to say it was never a matter of finding. He always knew where you were.”

She snorted and he grinned. Y/N never let herself laugh so openly. Not before. Not with him. “Fair enough. You’re probably right.”

“Probably?”

“Okay, you’re completely and utterly right. Is that what you want to hear?”

Bucky laughed, his grin spreading from ear to ear. “Was that so hard?”

Y/N rolled her eyes, shoving her shivering hands in her pockets. It was the only thing keeping her from holding his hand, borrowing his warmth. She didn’t want to repeat history. In fact, she refused to. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. “You’re utterly ridiculous.”

“Maybe, but then again, you’re the one letting me walk you home.”

She gaped at him. “We live in the same compound, Barnes!”

—

The sound of the door opening and closing caught the attention of one SHIELD agent and one superhero, pulling their focus from the news on the television. The squelch of a pair of shoes and soft thud of a pair of heels signaled exactly who had come back. When did they even run into each other?

Sam exhaled sharply through his nose, earning a look from Sharon. He didn’t seem to notice, instead watching through the doorway as Bucky and Y/N passed through the kitchen. They were laughing and smiling, a level of ease around one another that hadn’t been there before. Neither stopped to check if anyone was home, instead continuing on their way to the dorms. It was then he noticed a particular detail that left him more than a little curious. Both were utterly drenched. “Did they walk the whole way?” he asked, looking back at Sharon. When he noticed her look, he raised his hands in defense. “What, what’d I do?”

“You’re worried.”

“Wouldn’t you be?”

“Oh, I am. I’m just curious what it is you’re worried about.”

Sam frowned, looking away. The arm that was propped on the couch held the weight of his cheek as he tried to find a way to explain this. He didn’t want to come off like an ass after all. “He’s doing good, Sharon. He’s better than he was the last time she was here.”

“She’s better too.”

“I know! And I’m happy for both of them.”

“But?”

Sam’s brow furrowed as he rubbed his forehead. “I’m concerned that they’ll take steps back.”

“What, now that they’re around each other again?”

“It happened before. They were doing good, going strong, then everything got worse.”

“They’ve grown a lot since then,” Sharon reminded him. She shifted, turning her body to face him as she tucked a leg into her chest. “Fury debated bringing her in for a long time because he knew they were doing so good. He doesn’t want anyone backtracking. Especially not Y/N. She means as much to him as Nat did.”

“I know, I know.”

“You’re going soft for Barnes,” she teased, grinning and earning a glare from her teammate.

“I am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not, Carter.”

“Prove it, Wilson.”

Sam groaned, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling. The woman was utterly infuriating and usually right. He knew he’d developed a friendship with Bucky after Steve left. And after Y/N left, that friendship grew stronger. He helped Bucky with a lot of his PTSD, brought him to VA meetings, and helped him find a therapist. Everything he could possibly do to help Bucky in the right direction, he was there for. The last thing he wanted was to see his friend spiral again. To lose all that progress over one girl? It didn’t make sense to him. “I can’t.”

“I know.”

“Your smugness is not appreciated.”

“Look,” Sharon told him, earning his attention and pulling it away from the bland ceiling. “They don’t need each other anymore, Sam. Both of them have grown on their own. They aren’t the same people they were and maybe…maybe they just want each other now.”

“They were wrong for each other then. Why not now?”

“The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person, Sam. Maybe that’s all it was. The wrong time.”

Sam huffed, shaking his head. “I don’t like when you’re right.”

“But I’m always right.” He smacked her with a pillow, earning a squeal and laugh from her. She grabbed the popcorn bowl from the table, tossing it in his lap. “For that, you get to grab the popcorn while I pick a movie!”

He groaned, loud enough for anyone in the compound to hear his clear irritation. “Oh, come on!”

#bucky x y/n #bucky #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #y/n #marvel #avengers #mcu #sharon carter #sam wilson #sebastian #sebastian stan #james buchanan barnes #hurtstobehuman #reader #fanfic #mcu fic

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santamonicaroleplay · 5 years

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Secrets Masterlist

GROUP A

Marco

━ Marco suffers with OCD, but keeps it well hidden most of the time. He’s had periods where it’s been so bad that he’s washed his hands until they were red raw, though —- usually when something’s happened to upset his normally happy life. ━ When he was sixteen, he stole his best friend’s girlfriend. It was unintentional, but she was also a surfer and they spent every day together, things just “happened”. ━ Marco totalled his dad’s car when he was 18 and DUI. His dad still thinks it was the other driver’s fault.

Jason

━ He is a half sibling but is not aware of it yet, his mother had an affair. ━ Got in a car crash with a friend when both fell asleep and it resulted in the death of an old man. Luckily the mans family decided not to press charges. ━ Overdosed in his sophomore year of high school and nearly died but his family kept it under wraps.

Phobe

━ Use to be a drug dealer ━ Became a camgirl for a while to pay bills ━ She only thinks that she knows who the father of Dani is. Phobe is still completely uncertain even if she has a hunch of who it is

Beckett

━ sells drugs ━ made out with his 27 year old college professor when he was in his junior year of college ━ has always claimed he’s had sex but is actually a virgin

GROUP B

Amy

━ Amy sold weed in high school and college. ━ She accidentally killed her daughter’s fish and replaced it with an identical one. ━ She still has feelings for her ex-husband (Nathan)

Enrique

━ Enrique has hired a private investigator to locate his estranged mother. ━ Contrary to the ‘bad boy’ image that Enrique exuded throughout life, he is actually very intelligent. ━ Enrique watches a lot of cartoon reruns before he falls asleep at night.

Olivia

━ Once kissed her sister’s boyfriend when drunk at a party ━ Is quite the nerd when it comes to fantasy movies/television, though she'll pretend she's not ━ Suffers from intense nightmares sometimes

Gemma

━ She lost her virginity while drunk. ━ Feels like she’ll never measure up to her family. ━ Still has a stuffed animal her parents won for her at a fair that she sleeps with when she’s having a rough night.

Summer

━ summer tells everyone her movie genre of choice is romance (drama, comedy, all things romance-related). but truthfully, she has a soft spot for dark psych thrillers with a tinge of horror - a little known fact that hardly anyone but the people closest to her know. ━ summer has only ever been in one serious relationship her whole life. they dated for two years in high school and saw a future together past graduation and into adulthood. however, summer had a pregnancy scare at the end of their senior year, prompting her to end the relationship. since then, she’s avoided dating anyone steadily and has stuck to short-term flings. so far her older sister is the only person who knows about the pregnancy scare. ━ summer used to thrift-hunt for rare designer finds and vintage clothing at the local secondhand shops in monterey, freshening them up and selling them online for a profit. it was a hobby she took to when she was still a kid, but she’s refrained from telling anyone given her current status as a well-reputed stylist.

GROUP C

Wes

━ there have been a few songs written by him that have made it onto Reckless albums about the relationship between him and Sutton Barnes and the aftermath of their relationship ━ had to take depression medication which he has been off of for 3 years ━ attended therapy twice a month for two years after his mother’s death

Alondra

━ She is afraid of crows. ━ She is a cosplayer but does really extravagant cosplays that always cover or modify her face ━ She has an insane funko pop collection, she keeps them in her spare bedroom along with all of her other nerd things

Brooklyn

━ Dealt with breakdown after fiance left and before moving to L.A ━ Stole a CD back in high school ━ (Was wrote down in Diary) Holds resentment towards her brother Jason for leaving her.

GROUP D

Hannah

━ Got pulled over for ‘drunk driving’ when she wasn’t even drunk. Just a bad driver ━ Hasn’t had sex in over 5 years ━ Still in love with her ex-fiance Hanson

Ivy

━ she has embarrassing videos she made with her friends online when she was young and in Australia ━ she's not sure if she's really over her ex like she thought ━ she's planning on dropping out of her last year of vet school to use the loan money with the home and grandmother

Caroline

━ Got a secret tattoo in HS without parents knowing ━ Suffered miscarriage after husband passed away ━ Learned how to kiss through a female friend back in HS

Hunter

━ Hunter often lies about his relationship with his family. He and his father have always been at odds and they haven’t talked since Hunter left home to move to LA, though when asked about his relatives, he’s publicly stated that they get along well and are very close, not to cause a bad impression. ━ Hunter has grown to despise the show he stars in, (which I have terribly named) “Dead or Alive”. Another thing he constantly lies about, after all, it would be terrible publicity for both him and the show, but he can’t wait for either the series to be cancelled, or his contract to be terminated. ━ Hunter has struggled with depression, and still struggles with anxiety. It’s not something he particularly lies about, but definitely tries to hide. Hunter has never really recovered from any of his past traumas – from the loss of his mother, to his father’s abuse, he’s always tried to ignore his pain until he couldn’t, and now his mental health is at an extremely fragile state, in desperate need of constant medical assistance.

Christopher

━ Toph is dyslexic, and even though he’s invested hours and hours into tutors and therapies ━ Topher has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome so his joints are hypermobile and weakened from a lifetime of various sprains and dislocations. He originally took an interest in yoga in an attempt to quell fear that his body would start irreparably deteriorating from his progressive injuries, and while he’s found that it’s offered him some relief and reassurance, he’s still prone to stretched ligaments and dislocations. Though he wouldn’t deny it if asked, it’s not offered knowledge about the gardener. (Save for a handful of rec center yogis who once watched his shoulder pop right out of socket mid one-handed tree pose.) ━ Every now and then, he’ll pull the curtains and open up all of the windows in his loft apartment to let the sunlight and fresh air in, turn on a good song strip totally naked, and enjoy a very relaxed and unhindered yoga / meditation session to refresh and realign his chakras and reconnect with his body. He’s pretty sure his windows aren’t visible from the sidewalk several stories below anyway, but his cat has walked in on him in compromising positions once or twice.

GROUP E

Skyler

━ Searches for his birth family online when he's drunk ━ He can quote Pretty Woman word for word ━ Once cried for an hour straight at a Cher concert because he thought she was so wonderful

Mai

━ She has the biggest crush on her best friend Beckett and it terrifies her. ━ She suffers from nightmares, so she chooses to use night time for writing or going on walks to avoid sleeping. ━ Though she says she has, she still has yet to let go of her mother’s death after almost nine years of the event passing.

Zahra

━ When Zahra moved to New York, her parents thought she was enrolled in university, but she actually dropped out to become a singer. ━ The night before the day her brother went missing Zahra ignored several phone calls from him because she was auditioning for a gig. ━ Since her return to Santa Monica 2 months ago, Zahra and her parents have been seeing a therapist.

Ophelia

━ The summer before college, Ophelia had a fling with one of her father’s associates. ━ When she was 7, she accidentally melted the face off her sister’s favorite Barbie doll by trying to blow dry her hair. Her sister thinks the dog mangled her doll to this day. ━ When filming her first television show, Ophelia had a crush on her co-star.

GROUP F

Nathan

━ Before making it big, he had a very brief fling with his boss at the magazine he was working for, who had promised to help him with his career. They lied and he soon realised he needed to do it all himself ━ During his time on the football team in high school, he spent most of his time smoking weed under the bleachers than actually putting the time into practise. ━ Despite still being a major flirt from time to time, Nathan’s avoided dating and everything that goes with it since his divorce for fear of messing that up just like he did his marriage.

Adelaide

━ Has struggled with anorexia for years. ━ Cheated on an ex boyfriend with his best friend in high school ━ Was a bully/mean girl in high school

Alexandra

━ Former worked as a dominatrix Madame Mercy ━ During a weding reception she made out with the groom while everyone else was dancing. ━ Gave her panties to a random guy in order to get a cab, then had sex with said guy in order to get a free ride

Diana

━ Has never learned to drive ━ Will always take the stairs instead of the elevator as they suffer from claustrophobia ━ Walked out on her last boyfriend while he was unconscious in hospital

GROUP G

Iris

━ cried once in order to get out of getting a ticket ━ is obsessed with watching old 90’s cartoons and anime at odd hours of the night ━ had a miscarriage courtesy of her abusive ex-boyfriend

Noah

━ Was actually born in to the Aldridge family, but was kept from the truth his whole life. ━ Failed his drivers test multiple times ━ Used to be bankrupt when taking care of his siblings and had to take loans that took him years to pay off.

Ava

━ Lost her virginity to Alex’s boyfriend at the time ━ Still sleeps with a stuffed animal dog ━ Tells people she graduated from college even if she never attended

━ RJ is not over his last relationship because he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend. ━ RJ once ran a popular twitter update account for Rihanna when he was in high school. ━ Before he struck fame with Reckless, RJ was a featured artist on a song, the collaboration was horrible; they also had an accompanying cringey music video produced; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX6IhJ8wAKw

GROUP H

Jackson

━ Kissed Kourtney Kardashian ━ Almost got caught trying to shoplift but played it off as an accident ━ Lied on his resmue about knowing how to tap dance.

Bianca

━ plays pokemon go religiously ━ truly believes in the supernatural ━ is a published romance author under the pen name Veronica Vanburen

Kaden

━ Never disclosed the fact her parents are criminals and drug addicts to the police academy. ━ Had an affair with a married man ━ She constantly uses hot sauce on any food she can--pasta, sandwiches, burgers, etc.

Abigail

━ In the week before her wedding she had one too many and kissed a girl in a bar restroom. ━ Still rings home once a month and leaves a message despite her parents never returning her calls. ━ Once drove 36 hours to the house she’d once shared with her fiance only to lose her nerve and turn around once she saw he was home.

Jack

━ From age 5-12, Parker has swallowed every piece of gum he's ever chewed. ━ He hates needles and faints very easily at the sight of blood draws ━ He slept with a girl who had a boyfriend four times in one night and then fell in love with her although she decided to stay with her long-term boyfriend.

GROUP I

Emre

━ purposely let his academic progress go to waste while attending Dartmouth and was put on academic probation twice ━ had a relationship with a woman that was a close friends to his parents when he was 21 and she 42; the relationship wasn’t serious and they only saw each other for about three months ━ one of his first investments fell through with two million dollars on the line from his trust fund

Breeland

━ She is aware of the fact that her drinking has gotten out of control and has been talking to someone about it quietly. ━ Agreed to go on a date with a cop to get out of a speeding ticket. ━ Almost had a drunken hook up with the head of the label she works for even though he’s married

Spencer

━ She catfished a guy on Tinder after he broke one of her best friends’ hearts. ━ Spencer was arrested for assaulting a classmate in high school and had to do counseling and community service. ━ Spence was being stalked by an ex-boyfriend last year and had to get a restraining order against him.

Logan

━ Likes pineapple on pizza ━ Enjoys fruity alcoholic drinks. ━ When he goes out he loosen the salt shakers tops so it spills on whoever is after him/around him.

GROUP J

Richie

━ The first ever guitar Richard has, he stole. He didn’t want to ask his parents to keep buying him things when they disagreed with his chosen career path, so he went out and stole it so he could write music. ━ Richard cannot remember most of the women he’s been with, by not remembering their names; he came up with a system so that he tells them apart by numbers. ━ Although it may not appear so in every day life, Richie sometimes struggle with his self image while under the pressure of social media comments and expectations for what he should look like.

Mara

━ had a miscarriage when she was 22 ━ she knows that Noah Sinclair is their half brother ━ she used to write fanfictions

Freya

━ she is still a virgin but secretly wants to have sex. ━ she still suffers from partial memory loss of certain major events but tries to act like she knows what her family is talking about. ━ she’s having blackouts and sleepwalks to random places.

Kessa

━ Spent a week in a mental hospital after finding out about her biological family. ━ Constantly feels disconnected with her biological family/because of that disconnect she’s forced to do therapy twice a week by her moms. ━ Was a married couples third for over a year.

GROUP K

Faye

━ While back in the UK, she made the decision to track down the child she gave up at birth and was rather swiftly denied any contact. ━ Faye recently found out that her family is broke following her father’s scandal. She was the only one with any money, most of which she used for her education in Washington. ━ She returned to the US stressed and feeling out of control, so her friend took her on a vacation to Vegas where she could be out of control. The weekend ended up very messy and she ended up married to someone she’d only just met.

Sutton

━ Was aware her ex-fiance was cheating, but was too scared to be alone so she pretended to not know. ━ Skinny dips every third Sunday of the month before dawn. ━ Even though she should have gave the ring back, Sutton actually paid and kept her engagement right after her engagement ended, it is now in her jewelry box.

Thalia

━ When she was a tween, Thalia tried and failed at becoming a popular ‘youtuber’. At the time her channel featured vlogs, dancing, baking, and makeup tutorials. ━ Thalia cheated during monopoly at her family’s game night and still feels guilty. ━ Thalia uses popular hookup apps for the attention she gets, but she never actually meets up with anyone.

Leyla

━ Slept with one of her professors at Harvard ━ Still watches Disney films when she’s having a bad day ━ Once escaped a one night stand by climbing out of a top floor window

#santamevent2

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vaixation · 5 years

Text

Why I've been gone for two weeks – Please note that this post is going to contain some serious content. However, this is a really important personal update from me.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: - Animal death - Suicide ideation - Depression/anxiety/dissociation - (Brief mention of abuse/trauma/C-PTSD)

Post under the Read More. - - -

I'm sure there's a lot of people who didn't even notice I haven't been online anywhere for the past two weeks considering I'm a pretty quiet individual and often keep to myself / disappear off the social radar for months at a time. However, there's a pretty specific reason this time why I haven't been around, and it's important to discuss.

At the time I am writing this, it is currently Friday, May 3, 2019. I'm writing this ahead of time because... I cannot sleep and I need to get some of these thoughts off my mind. This week has been the worst week of my entire life, without exaggeration. I'll start from the beginning.

For those that don't know, a tornado came through my area on April 19th. I would like to state right off the bat that I am fine - it missed my house, but only just barely. We can literally see the path / damage of the tornado from our house. Apparently it actually formed RIGHT THERE - the people who live just like three houses up the road from ours said they actually saw the tornado's funnel come down out of the sky. It's wild to think a tornado could come to life that close to our house. We were very fortunate to be okay.

I can't necessarily say the same for others, however. I don't know if anyone got hurt, but I did hear that one person's house was completely flattened. (Apparently there was actually someone inside, but she went down into the basement and was okay. Also concerning her welfare and loss of property - I heard there was a fundraiser that was helping their family out, and they apparently were on the TV at some point too about it all? That's just what I've heard through the grapevine - it's all second hand information so I don't know how much is accurate and I've no way to double-check right now.) (EDIT: I have double-checked for our area now that I have internet again and I can confirm no-one in our area was actually hurt. All the damage is to buildings and property, thankfully.) There's entire areas of trees that have just been wiped out. And I know there was a bus that literally got thrown up by the wind and is now just sticking out of the ground. Last time I saw it, they still haven't fixed that.

Point being, we lost power for a whole day. They managed to fix the power pretty quickly considering the damage, but the internet? At the time of writing this... I still don't have internet. And that's the primary reason I haven't been around. But it gets so much worse from here on out. For me at least.

So, my week was already really stressful for this reason (not to mention MY JOB requires the internet and I have NOT been able to do any of my work; my bosses know my situation but it's still very stressful.) We called our ISP multiple times trying to get it to work - they've sent out two technicians so far and narrowed it down to the modem router. It wasn't hooked up to a surge protector, and the power going out the way it did seems to have zapped the modem router and it no longer works. So we decided to buy a new one, and I swear we went to at least ten to fifteen different stores looking for a new modem router.

The problem is, all the new modem routers in stock are coaxial cable modem routers. Our ISP is only a VDSL / ADSL modem router (requiring a phone line), and we went through several stores looking for a DSL to coax adapter with no such luck. Apparently, an adapter / converter like that doesn't even exist. The closest thing we could find was an ethernet to coax cable, but that's not what we need obviously. Through some other connections we managed to finally just order a DSL modem router via Ebay; it's supposed to get here on Monday of this week, so... we'll see if it does by then, I guess.

(EDIT: It arrived sooner than expected. We’ve been able to get it up and running, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to post this, obviously.)

But, well. That's not really why this has been the worst week of my life. I mean, it doesn't help, but... I can live without the internet for a week or two, you know? I've gone years without it. Whatever.

The thing is...

My cat died.

And this wasn't just some random cat, okay. His name was Chip - or rather, Slavashado. (It's pronounced "sluh-VAAH-shuh-doe") You see, I modeled his name after T. S. Eliot's poem "The Naming of Cats." Within this poem, it states that a cat must have three names. One is a common, everyday, ordinary name. Chip. One is unique to him. Slavashado. And one, only he himself knows. And he took it to his grave.

Chip's been with me basically almost my entire life. He was 21 years old. I'm 26 right now; I'll be 27 in June. So he's literally been in my life since I was 6 years old. He's always been there for me. Always.

So I cannot possibly put into words how heartbroken I am that he's gone.

I love him with all my heart. And I always will. But he's gone now.

I can't even remotely describe how empty I feel. How utterly alone I am. There's a void in my soul that's so deep it feels like it's going to erode me from the inside out.

You know, I've never lost anyone close to me before. It's not that I'm a stranger to death... far from it. I'll get into that later. But... this is the first time I've ever truly lost someone I really, really, truly cared about. I've always thought grief would be a linear thing. I've seen the Kübler-Ross model of grief more times than I can count. "DABDA" for short - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

It's not linear. Not for me. I feel all of these things at the same time somehow. It's not like I felt denial first, then moved onto the angry stage. No. I just feel all of them at the same time. And I'm so overwhelmed. And I'll go from one end of this spectrum to the other end and back again. It's far from linear.

The sad thing is, I feel my grip on this world unraveling each day. My world already ended with Chip... He meant everything to me. I love him more than anything else in this whole world. So... I've admittedly been having some very bad, depressive, suicidal thoughts. I'm not actively going to do something to myself, don't worry. But... I've been thinking lately, you know what? If a car runs over me, I don't care. What if the storms knock a tree over on my house and it flattens me? So what. What if I'm in a car wreck and die? I just... feel so apathetic.

It's like that song. "If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too."

But... I can't join him. Not yet. I still have to live a full life, you know? I can't come to you yet, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I want to, but I can't. Not yet. I have to live a life that would make you proud of me, love.

Maybe we'll meet again in another life. Cats have nine lives after all...

But I've also just felt like I've started to really disconnect from reality, too. The other day someone said something - innocent, really - but the angry part of myself wanted to lash out and destroy and hurt. And the scariest thing was, I almost didn't care. Grief's not an excuse to lose your compassion, but I fear that I'm really losing it. It's hard to feel like anything's real, and somehow everything's all too real at the same time.

His health just... declined so rapidly in the last month. He went from being okay and active and about, to suddenly he can't jump anymore. Suddenly he's very lethargic and having a multitude of issues; he wouldn't be able to stand up without falling over. It got to the point where he wouldn't move around much anymore. I had to take care of him on a daily basis; almost 24/7 I'd watch him to make sure he was okay and wasn't having a hard time pooping/peeing and would wash him because he no longer had the strength to take care of himself or move anywhere or do much of anything.

I had to make a certain mixture of foods the vet prescribed to keep his nutrition levels up and to make it so he wouldn't be constipated, and had to monitor that he was eating / drinking enough. Eventually he stopped eating his food, so I ended up mixing it all in water and making it a liquid paste that he could drink instead, which he would gladly do. There were some glands on his throat that were swollen, so I think it was making it hard for him to eat even with the special food we had.

So... it both was and wasn't sudden. On one hand, it happened so fast? His health just plummeted and spiraled downhill within a few weeks. But on the other hand... he was just doing so badly. We took him to the vets multiple times and, there's really only so much that can be done. He was really old, you know? 21 is a long time for a cat to live. It's longer than most cats. I know he lived a long, good life, knowing he was well loved and cared for. And I truly did everything I could for him. I know I can't blame myself for anything, even though I tried to. I did my best, you know? But nothing lasts forever. All things one day die. It's the law of nature. And I'm no stranger to death. I know all too well this reality.

This isn't something I talk about a lot, but one of my parents was really abusive. She was really abusive to animals too. I've seen death. And horrible, traumatizing things too appalling to get into here. I've known from an early age that all things die. It's one reason I'm not... surprised. In a way, I accept that. I understand. I know.

It's why I'm a little obsessed with "morbid" themes, as others have put it. Death. Bones. Rot. Decay. (Plague flight on Flight Rising, anyone?) None of that is new to me. Finding an intrigue in it is a way of coping with it. Did you know that kids who deal with C-PTSD often recreate their trauma through play? Or fixate / obsess on the trauma somehow? That's why I literally relate so heavily to Henry from Fire Emblem: Awakening. He's the same way. He's seen animal death and cruelty. But he's also un-phased by blood and guts and everything. (He denies his trauma, but denial and even amnesia can be a big, big part of trauma. And the way he talks about his past almost sounds like he's dissociated from those feelings. I relate a lot to that too... I honestly find Henry to be very therapeutic to exploring my own feelings at times.) This is the reason I find horror and creepy content fascinating. And more often than not, it's hard to scare me. Fiction is so much less scary than the real thing.

My point is, I'm very aware of death. I'm aware of that finality. I'm aware of its permanence. Nothing I can do will ever bring my cat back. He's gone. So in a way, I accept that. And in a way, I also can't accept that answer. I miss him. I want him here with me.

In a way I'm kind of thankful that our internet wasn't working. It allowed me to attend to him in his last days without any other distractions. I spent so much time with him. And that gives me so small amount of peace, knowing that.

And I think he knew, the day he died. It was April 28th, somewhere in between 9-10 PM. I can't believe it's only been five days. It feels like an eternity without him here. But, that day, he was suddenly a lot more active than he'd been in months. He was up and walking around and came over to me and crawled up behind where I was sitting and snuggled and cuddled with me. I take comfort in the fact we shared a beautiful moment that day. Just sitting there, petting him, breathing in his wonderful scent and burying my face into his soft, warm fur. The deep purring, the soothing vibrations of his noise. I wish that moment could last a lifetime. I'm so thankful for the time I had with him though. It both feels like it was the right time - that it was meant to be - and at the same time I feel like he's left me far too soon. I miss him. I miss him so, so very much.

At least I got to hold him when he passed. I stroked his fur and cried as the last of his spasms died down. I've always feared I would find him one day and he just wouldn't wake up, so seeing him actually pass... it was scary. But it was good for me too. It brings me some small amount of closure that I could be with him in his final moments. He didn't have to die alone. For that I'm so thankful.

You deserve the best of everything, love. You were my faithful friend and companion for basically my whole life. I'll never, ever forget you.

Where are you now? Are you with the stars? Are you in my dreams? Where-ever you are, I hope you're safe. And happy. And at peace. Because I love you so, so much. And I always will. Now until the end of time, when death claims me too one day.

You know, at the start of the year, on New Year's, somehow... I knew. Somehow I knew this was going to be the year. I don't know why I did, but I just... felt it. And I promised myself, no matter what happens, I am going to make this a good year. And I will. But right now, I'm hurting. I'm hurting really bad.

Nothing lasts forever.

Not even pain. I'll be okay. But right now, I'm not.

"Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever... Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time... That is up to you." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

We buried him amongst some of the trees growing back behind our house. I buried him with some things - that heart pendant I used to slip into my photographs to mark them as "mine," for instance. It was a really important necklace to me. So I thought it was only appropriate that he have it. My heart belongs to him, after all. I buried him with a book that was also really sentimental to me. It's called Consider Love. The last line in the book was "Consider my love for incredible you." I signed it to Chip (Slavashado), from me (my name). I love you, sweetheart. I love you so, so much. Do you know that? I'm sure you did.

And I sang him a song, one last time. I don't know how many of you know this, but... when I was a child, my parents used to sing me a song. It became really sentimental to me because of this - memories of childhood days long past, so I sang it to him too. I modified some of the lyrics though.

"You are my sunshine, My only sunshine, You make me happy When skies are gray... You never know, dear, How much I love you... Please don't take My sunshine away.

The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you In my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, So I hung My head and cried.

You told me once, dear, You truly loved me. And nothing else could Come between. But now you've left me, To fly to heaven, You're amongst The stars and dreams."

I wrote him a letter, drew him a little picture, and wrote down those lyrics for him too. He'll always have it with him. We put him on his bed and put all of that in a box and put that into the ground. We're planning on planting some flowers out there.

Digging a hole is so much harder than I thought it'd be. There's so many rocks and roots and the chunks of dirt can be hard to lift out of the ground. To be honest I wasn't much help though. I basically just cried the entire time. I didn't even know my face could make that shape. I've never seen my own face in such agony before, but looking in the mirror I wouldn't even recognize myself for the sorrow in my features. It's just so foreign. Alien. It's weird to me.

In a way, actually physically burying him gave me closure. In a way it just made it so much worse. I feel all sides of this grief spectrum at the same time. Acceptance. Denial. Those two things are one and the same now.

It's okay to grieve. It's normal. It's natural. But it just hurts so much.

No amount of reading about grief can really... prepare you for it.

I've cried and cried until my head hurts and my face does too. Every time I open the door to my room, it hits me all over again. There's no one here. There's no one waiting for me at home, no small face peeking at me from the top of the stairs. It's so empty here. It's so lonely. It's so unfathomably quiet. And it's just too much.

I've even gone out to visit his grave, came back inside the house, opened the room to my door, and realized - he's not here. And I was literally just at his grave. It's all the small things, you know? I miss him in so many ways, little things I've gotten used to that tell me of his existence, but that presence - it's gone. And when I'm here in this room, it's so crushingly obvious. His aura no longer flows from his position. Where he should be, there's just nothing. He's not here anymore. He never will be here again. I know that. I do. I know he's gone. But it's just... it's so weird.

He's here one day, and gone the next.

"The years now before us, Fearful and unknown. I never imagined I'd face them on my own. May these thousand winters, Swiftly pass I pray. I love you - I miss you - All these miles away..." - Lullaby for a Princess

I thought I'd have more time. I looked at the can of food I had planned to feed him the next day (and I was really excited for him to try this flavor, too) and just lost it. There's not a tomorrow. He's gone.

I found a trace of his fur on a piece of furniture, and I just started crying all over again.

I leafed through some of the few pictures I've taken of him over the years - far, far too few. And I wanted so badly to reach through the screen onto the other side, where he is. Because he's not here anymore. It's just so hard.

I want him to come back to me.

And at the same time, I don't.

It was meant to be. There's no undoing what's done. He's gone. I know that. But it doesn't change my feelings. I miss him. I love him. And I hurt. I need him. What am I going to do without you, love? You were my constant. You were always there for me, every time I've wanted to end my life. Every time I've wanted to give up. You were there. I need you. I need you so much. You've left me too soon. But I wouldn't undo a single moment. I'll cherish each one of them.

"But time is not eternal. Please make the most of your time." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

The fact that it's not eternal is what makes life so precious. Time is what gives each and every moment and second of our lives meaning, because that's time you'll never get back.

It's time like this that I'm also thankful for all the storylines I've grown attached to. Somehow, they're really cathartic to me. And they've all taught me things that have made this easier to deal with than if I didn't have them.

Super Danganronpa 2 with its message that, to give up on life is a blasphemy unto life itself. Don't give up, or you're spitting on the beauty that life is. Even if it's hard. That's all part of what makes life beautiful and worth living.

Or Undertale. That if you could control time, rewind, redo, it'd lose all meaning. Life would be static. Unmoving. And you'd get bored. Very, very bored. You'd lose what makes you... well... you. You lose yourself.

Pandora Hearts, that undoing what's happened - even tragic - would lose the meaning of what's happening. Turning back time doesn't fix things. It destroys what you had. Be thankful for the time you have, however short. Because that's what gives each moment so much meaning.

Majora's Mask, because it teaches me that loss and grief are all a part of life. And you have to learn to move on, and let go. All things come to an end. And that's okay. When one door closes, another opens. Life moves on.

There's... well. A reason why those four storylines are my top favorite storylines. They're therapeutic to me. They help me cope with life in general, and everything I've gone through.

The day before he died, we went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. The fortune cookie literally told me, "Opportunity is knocking on your door - answer it tomorrow."

"May be a reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road" - Katy Perry, "Firework"

You know that song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day? If I'm not mistaken, it was written after the passing of the singer's dad. And the sentiment is something I relate to. Wake me up a few months from now. I just don't want to be here right now. I'm so tired, and so very sad. There's a sorrow deep inside my soul too heavy to bear right now. I just want to sleep. I want it to be over. I don't want to deal with all of this right now. It's so much, and I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know if this factors into denial, but I've been trying to get out of the house more. Staying here just reminds me of what I've lost. I've been taking walks outside. Just anything to get my mind off of Chip. All the scents and sounds. The life that's buzzing around right now - the seasons are beginning to change into summer, and there's so many insects and birds about. Life continues on.

Somehow it's comforting to me. And somehow it's not. The more time I spend out of the house, the more I can't tell what's real anymore. The real world feels like a dream. Fake somehow. And my house just feels like a nightmare. I dread going to sleep every night. What nights haven't been restless have been filled with fear. What if I have a nightmare? What if I have a dream where he's alive? It will just break my heart all over again to wake up in the morning and realize he's not. It hits me every morning even without that, when I wake up. The sadness returns tenfold each day. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Hope seems like a concept far away.

"I'll see you laugh, I'll see you smile, I'll be with you... Just for a while.

But when the morning comes, And the sun begins to rise...

I will lose you.

Because it's just a dream, When I open up my eyes, I will...

Lose you...

I used to believe in forever. But forever's too good to be true. I've hung a wish On every star It hasn't done much good so far.

I can only dream of you, Wherever you are..." - "Wherever You Are", Winnie the Pooh

I know things are going to be okay. But today is not the day.

What's kept me going is busying myself with as much as I can. Thoughts of what I'm going to do each day. I'm taking it one hour at a time at this point. It's all I can do. Just keep going. Just a little farther. The moment I stop to unwind and take a break is when I start to unravel and remember. My thoughts always drift back to the same place somehow. He's gone. What am I supposed to do now?

Perhaps this won't make any sense. And quite honestly I don't care if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, but. Somehow... I felt like Chip has given me one last hope. He left me with something, a feeling. The day after he died, I just... I felt something. Like he was telling me that things were going to be okay, and directed my thoughts to what I should do, now that he's gone.

I want a new kitten.

I'm not replacing Chip. I can never replace him. He's one of a kind, and always will be. But when one door closes, another one opens. I need something to hold. I need something tangible, that's real, to touch, and hug, and cradle, and care for. I need something that needs ME to anchor me to this world, and give me a reason to stay. I need something that can break me out of this cycle of dissociation and ground me. And caring for another life is therapeutic. It makes me feel needed. Like I have a purpose.

Everyone needs to be loved, and to give love.

You know what's wild? The other members of my household unanimously came to the same decision without me even discussing it with them. Somehow, it feels right. I get this weird feeling Chip actually... sort of pushed our thoughts towards this. I don't know why I think that? By all logic that wouldn't be possible but then again, I truly don't think Chip was an ordinary cat at this point. He was so much more.

Do you ever have a dream, and in that dream you just know something? Without knowing why? But you know it for a fact, in that weird dream-sense? For me, that's what it's like. I just know. Even if no-one else believes me on this, I just know.

I'm not great with people. But I love cats. I've always been really good at reading their body language. And I admittedly do like kids. Whenever I go to my family reunions, I always hang out with the kids, not the adults. Their energy is so fun and invigorating. There's so much life in kids, and it makes me just a little happier to spend time with them, even if I hardcore lack social skills. I might not be great around kids, but I really try. I think my cousin’s children like to spend time with me. Their mother keeps telling me so, at least.

Point is, I love that energy. I know a kitten is going to just be energy incarnate. But I think that's what I need in my life. Something to protect and love and spoil. Something to pour all of my affection and effort into. I often feel really restless. Like the life I'm living right now isn't enough. And I'm sure a kitten would more than keep me on my toes and keep me busy. I expect many sleepless nights. I expect to be woken up like 6-7 times per night, even. But you know what? That's okay. I don't mind at all.

I got to play with some of the cats that my relatives have last time I was there and it just reminded me... how long it's been since I've played with a cat like that. My cat was too old to want to play (and I didn't want to cause him issues, he had a heart murmur and so I also didn't want to get him too excited in his old age because oh dear), so I've missed being able to manipulate toys into being a cat's "prey" and lazer pointers and have cats go nuts after it. I've really missed that. So having a kitten that loves to play? Sign me the heck up.

There's a lot of things I wanted to do with my cat, but he was just too old.

You see, I was only 6 when I got my cat. So I was a kid. And I didn't really get to like... spend money on spoiling my cat because at that age it's not like I had money? Once I turned around 20 or so I started really wanting to buy things for my cat, and show him how much I loved him by getting him nice things and toys and a cat tree and all sorts of other things. But he didn't really... like most of what I got him. And it really made me feel frustrated and sad and disappointed because I really wanted to show him how much he meant to me. But at the same time I was afraid of getting him anything because he wouldn't use most of what I'd spent my precious money on. Money doesn't grow on trees.

I understand, he was old by the time I actually had money to do things for him with. But that's all the more reason why a kitten really excites me. That dang lazer pointer I bought? I bet a kitten would love that! (I mean dang I even... bought one that has a USB stick on the end so you can recharge it because I really wanted it to last. Chip was super apathetic to the lazer pointer for the most part.) I wonder if a kitten would like that catnip treat I bought from Jackson Galaxy's shop? (In case you don't know who Jackson Galaxy is, he's a cat behaviorist and honestly knows so much about cats and their behaviors and he very clearly has a passion and great love for feline friends.)

Also that fun little cat tunnel I got my cat. He hated it. I thought he'd really like it because he liked small spaces (I used to have little boxes set up for him because of this) and also he really liked sitting on crinkly / noise-making things like plastic bags and the inside of this tunnel was super crinkly sounding. So I thought it'd be perfect. But he hecking hated that cat tunnel to the point where I almost threw it away because he would avoid it with a passion.

But I bet a kitten would love it. And that cat tree I bought! And I'm gonna get a nice squishy soft bed for him too when I get him since we buried Chip with his bed. And just. Something colorful! And lots of little toys and things! My head fills with so many ideas and plans and things I've got to prepare for for the arrival of a new kitten. I don't have one yet, but I'll get one soon.

It's the only thing right now that fills my heart with hope, and love. I want to take a new life in with me, and care for this new life to the best of my ability, and love him with all my heart. I'm gonna spoil him in toys and fun things and shower him with as much time and affection as I can. I need this. I need something to love and hold and care for. I have some really strong protective instincts, so nurturing something else - it's really therapeutic to me on so many levels.

We're going to get another black cat, just like Chip. I'm not superstitious really, but. You know what I personally think? That black cats bring you GOOD luck instead of bad luck. You're blessed by their presence when they're in your life. It's when they LEAVE you that the bad luck comes rolling in. That's why crossing a black cat's path supposedly causes you bad luck. Because now they're gone.

Plus, cats actually purr at a frequency that's been proven to heal bones and soothe. That's why cats make a really good companion for people dealing with depression, to be honest. And heck knows I have a broken heart that needs mending.

"Everything's gonna be alright, Everything's gonna be okay. It's gonna be a good, good life." - Bebe Rexha, "I'm A Mess"

#crepuscular #personal #this is a long post #but it's important

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anthropawlogy · 5 years

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Yesterday’s Saga

CW: animal death (via stillbirth)

Yesterday morning I went in to feed the cats. We have Rosie, who we thought was pregnant but was just impacted. Apricot, our little teenage boy who is a menace. And Perdita. Our definitely pregnant cat.

We’re working on seeing if Rose and Apricot can be socialized for a potential adopter who is interested in them. Perdita was too pregnant to spay.

I went in, gave them their food, and looked over and saw something weird. It took me a second to process what it was, but when I did I gasped so loudly my roommate woke up and asked me if everything was okay.

“No, it’s not okay,” I told her.

There was a dead kitten, stillborn, next to its placenta on top of the side table.

A lot of things went through my mind - this room is FULL of nests, why didn’t Perdita use one? I’d just seen her and she didn’t appear to be panting or in labor or distress? It hasn’t been that long since Katie ( @ivealwaysbeenthornheart - my roommate) went to bed last night, she didn’t say anything about her seeming in labor then?

But the biggest thing on my mind was, was this the only kitten? Were there others? WHERE?

I warned Katie what was there before she came in. She is very sensitive to dead animals. She asked if she could bring me towels and dispose of it without her having to see. I obliged. And then we scoured the room. We could find no other signs of any other kittens.

“A litter of one is rare.”

So we called the vet. Told them the situation. Had a surprisingly easy time coaxing Perdita into a carrier, which to us was a sign something was wrong. All these cats come from a feral colony, but Rosie and Apricot we have specifically because they seem socialize-able (Rosie especially). Perdita, meanwhile, was only there because she was SO pregnant. She was generally super scared of us, running and hiding. But here I had to actually touch her to get her to move. A problem.

So we bring her into the vet. There’s only one vet in when we get there, and they have their own emergencies and appointments that need more urgent attention (we talked to one man upon leaving who said, “My cat just passed a needle and thread. It’s a miracle.” and we were like “THE NEEDLE?? D:”) so we waited. For hours. Until Perdita could be seen.

Finally she got a checkup. Like before, she was unusually calm. They used a towel to cover her, and then examined her. He could feel something still in her abdomen. So onto ultrasound and x-ray.

There were three kittens still inside her. Two were dead already. One still had a heartbeat. They gave us our options. Brought us our estimates. Even with a rescue discount, they were each around $1000.

We were in over our heads (and STARVING and EXHAUSTED. At this point Katie’s and my stomachs were taking turns growling and sometimes we couldn’t tell whose was whose). We called Stray Cat Alliance, let them know the situation. And like the absolute heroes they are, they agreed to take Perdita under their umbrella and cover all the medical costs.

This is where I feel gratefully obliged to say, please donate to SCA.

We decided Perdita would get an immediate c-section/spay. They would try to save the one kitten. We were sent away and told we’d be updated.

(In the meantime, the vet who adopted Waldorf from last years kittens was there, and she showed us photos of him! And he’s so healthy and looks so good! He’s about to be a year old and knowing how hard it was to keep him alive, seeing him now made me almost cry!)

We left and stopped at literally the first restaurant we saw that looked like it would bring you refills on your drinks. We ate some decent seafood that was way out of our budget (I’ll be paying for it in ramen and beans later this month) because we were too tired and hungry and emotionally spent to make better choices. And then we proceeded to run cat-related errands for six more hours.

We went to the pet supply store because that was on my list for the day anyway. My actual forever cat has kidney disease and needs expensive food and he was running low. So we got that and more food for the stray cat room. The pet store is in the same plaza as Pier1, and I have had a gift card to there for two years, and we knew we needed some bowls and things, so we went in there to look around and spend gift card money instead of real money. While there, we talked about what we needed for the kitten if it survived, and what we needed for the cats we were trying to socialize, because we both felt that we weren’t doing a good enough job.

And we realized the cat room needs a chair. Specifically a chair that isn’t going to create a hiding place for the cats that we can’t access, but will be comfortable for long periods of sitting (and possibly to sit in and nurse bottle babies). But we don’t have a lot of money.

So a thrift store chair.

We then proceeded to go to...7? I think? 8? SO MANY thrift stores.

Part way through this process, Katie tripped and fell, hurting her leg. And then she experienced (likely food related) nausea so bad I thought she was going to vomit in the middle of a goodwill, and we lost some time to being trapped in bathrooms.

We finally found a chair. We had to talk down the price, and it was still double what we were hoping to pay. But. We got a chair.

And then we remembered we needed things from Target. So we did that.

And then we came home, got everything inside (with much effort) and then Katie, who has had an ongoing foot problem, nudged a box with her foot, heard a pop, and collapsed. And we got to have the “should we go to the ER” discussion, while she was unable to put any kind of weight on her foot, and had tears streaming down her face from pain.

(We did not go. We still might today, if things haven’t improved.)

This whole time, we’re in touch with the vet and the rescue, waiting for news. Perdita’s surgery was pushed back several times, as more urgent cases came in. But late late last night, she got her c-section. And we were sent a little video of the kitten.

So far both mama and baby are okay. Perdita seems to still be able to nurse, and is allowing the kitten to latch, so that’s really good news.

So we have a new chair in the cat room. We have a new kitten and a newly spayed Perdita. We won’t get them back for a few days while they’re looked after.

Now I’ll upload some photos and videos for you all!

#timemachine wuz here #text post #kitten rescue #cat rescue #perdita saga

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tomoreadsandlistens · 6 years

Audio

Cold Sun (Ryo Nagamo Remix) Sung by Aimer "Just what are the words that I've piled up meant to protect? If I can face my weaknesses, I'll no longer have the need for tears, But if these days consist of nothing more, Than repeating 'Farewell, farewell', it would be so sad; Nonetheless I'm still looking up to the sky, Even now I'm still looking up to the stars" One of my favorite occurrences in life is when I'm randomly introduced to music that I didn't expect to obsess over. Aimer started out as a very low key musician, in which was only the beginning of her career, minimally; she refused to show her face. Her music was mysterious right from the get go, so it made sense that Aimer didn't show her face for the longest time until her music became more popular. Some of the first videos of her that are out there is her behind the mic but her back is faced toward the camera, singing some of her hit songs acoustically. So in this sense she was slowly but surely building confidence to show herself. Aimer is very well known for her low, husky voice, which developed as a result of an accident she had at 15, but nonetheless recovered her ability to sing. To be honest, her vocals are very recognizable and feminine regardless of her accident. Her voice is beyond beautiful. Some of Aimer's earliest work is mostly jazz, and a part of me feels that she should still incorporate this in her music. Unfortunately due to contracts and Labels, it can guide certain musicians in another direction. Granted, I love all of her pop music, but her jazz is just incredibly unique. Perhaps blending the two genres is something I'd hope she would consider. In recent years, Aimer has been collaborating with other musicians throughout Japan and has really built up her career phenomenally, especially featuring her songs in anime. Her latest album came out in 2016 and has been touring since then; that is the only album I have not heard by her at this time. First Listen: In summer of 2012, I was spending the weekend at my friend L's house. She wanted to introduce me to an anime she'd thought I'd really like and has been catching up with. Once we started watching episode one, I was hooked immediately. The anime is called Natsuyuki Rendezvous. I highly recommend watching it if you are invested in slice of life, involving a ghost in the plot twist. The ending theme song is what captured me the most out of watching this anime. The song is called "Anata ni Deawanakereba~Kasetsutouka~" which translates to "If I Haven't Met You, Summer Snow, Winter Flowers". This song really captured the tone of the anime, getting you into the bittersweet mood of what was about to unfold each time you finished an episode. At the time, this was the most beautiful song I've ever heard in my life. It was also at the time the most relatable song, while I was in the middle of an on and off relationship that was unhealthy. This song was too good to be true. As soon as I could I went on my computer to listen to more songs by Aimer. Right then and there being introduced to Aimer brought out such a different sound in the JPop realm, I knew she would make it big down the road. Not only did I have this song on repeat, but she created much more music that was just as worthy to listen to, and I've had played on repeat; for YEARS. Best Album: I have to be honest, my favorite album by Aimer is her mini album, "Dare ka, Umi wo". For some reason, some of her songs that are remixed in this album is some of the best material that's out there, some that are better than the original version of the song. There were also "newer" songs at the time that really made you feel like you were dreaming. The song tracks are aligned perfectly for the mood you're looking for. If you want to be transported into a dream-like surreal weathered dimension, this mini album is perfect for you. Best Song: If you recall on my Eiko Shimamiya post, I've mentioned how I've listened to a particular song for years and eventually realized another song was better material. That's the same dilemma I have with Aimer's music. For 6 years my favorite song by Aimer was "Fuyu no Diamond (Re Echoed by Genki Rockets)" which is a remix version of the original "Fuyu no Diamond". Other known as Winter Diamond in English. The sensation of daydreaming is real when listening to this song. It feels like you just took in a bittersweet love movie flick and are watching the ending credits, but literally reflecting on all of the feels you just endured from watching said movie. That's what this song feels like. I had it on repeat at least 400 times according to ITunes. However, in 2015 I downloaded the "Dare ka, Umi wo" album, and that's when it all changed for me. "Cold Sun (Ryo Nagano Remix)" is derived from the original song "Cold Sun" from her album "Midnight Sun". As soon as this remix started playing I was instantly mesmerized. The vibrations of this song is remindful of how I spend my early summer mornings in the cold, crisp air for a short amount of time. The cold colored hues of the earth and sky collaborating; this song really knows how to display this vision realistically. If cold summer mornings had a sound, it's this song. I can't even begin to say how many times I've cried to this song. From the get go I felt like I was time traveling to places and experiences that I was reflecting on. Even what was going in my life at those current moments, this song was describing me. In fact, this occurrence is so frequent that I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I can pin point a couple of experiences I've associated this song with and have played repeatedly throughout this time frame: •In 2015 I was seeing someone (who we will call Baymax), who I actually went to art camp with when we were younger but we lost touch for years. One day in June of that year I was at my friend MS's house with a couple of other camp friends, and out of the blue MS wanted to reach out to Baymax when she realized he was online on Skype. We all video chatted with him for a while, but it was incredible for the time how much he grew into a "man" from when I last saw him. We hit each other up as soon as I got home from MS's house and from there on we knew we were into each other. Late nights of phone calls, sometimes video chatting, and actually spending time in person romantically it was too good to be true. Throughout the summer it was such bliss, feeling like finally someone understood me and cared about me. I barely harassed Baymax. I didn't want to feel obsessive with him and we weren't even official with each other still. I didn't mind giving him all the space in the world, but the problem was after 4 months he wasn't as engaging as he was with me originally, and I finally asked him where we stood. He backfired at me and assumed I thought he was leading me on so he wanted to end it with me. All I wanted was to talk things out with him, not with half assed responses. I felt like I couldn't get everything off my chest. If this was already spoken out in person or over the phone I wouldn't have felt the hurt I did that day, and ultimately suicidal from assuming I fucked up. The way he handled it was not ok, but I'm grateful that I have been dating someone for a year now who I'm madly in love with and couldn't be happier. •In 2016 I moved to Florida from the north. I drove myself down with my two cats, and my entire life packed in my car. I had started a new life away from a long, ongoing toxic situation; but I knew I needed to move away for the better; to better myself mentally and physically. My cat (actually named) Joey was finally reunited with me after being separated for a long time. He had inflammatory bowel disease since he was 4 years old and was put on medication for years until he was weened off because my grandmother felt the medicine was unhealthy for him. I had no knowledge of this until I moved when I took him back from my grandmother. Ultimately he lasted over a year without medication and was on a strict diet until his death. However, whether it was the right thing or not by my grandmother, Joey was the happiest cat I have seen in the longest time. He played with my other cat (which he never did; he was very independent and grumpy), played with toys and was physically and mentally healthy for that one year. When I realized he was getting sick from sudden weight loss and threw up blood, not only was history repeating itself but he was very old. The last thing I wanted to do was make him suffer like he already had majority of his life. I remember the day I brought him in to be put down like it was yesterday. I watched the sun rise as early as 6:30 am with Joey next to me. I took as many pictures of him as possible and cuddled him close. Around 11:30 am was when I brought him to the vet, and was put down by 12 pm. My face was pressed against his when he was given the shot. I heard his last breath and I became hysterical. I definitely got snot on his face but I'm sure he would've forgiven me. I held his body for about an hour until I couldn't bear it anymore. Just writing this out is really difficult for me but my point is this song was all that played when I put Joey down. This song is about facing your weaknesses. If you face it, you would be able to walk on; move forward. You don't need to know a right or wrong answer to overcome your situation. As long as you overcome it and move forward, time will eventually heal your pain, no matter what direction it goes. Your weaknesses will disperse because you know how to overcome it. Acceptance and perhaps forgiveness is all that it takes to move on. Be the bigger person. Follow your gut.

English translated lyrics can be found here

I apologize for the lengthy post! I also hope you enjoy her portrait I made which also can be found here

Until next time~

Tomo

#aimer #japanese music #japanese pop #pop #jpop #musician #portrait #drawing #artwork #my artwork #pencil drawing #lllustration

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luziflor · 7 years

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Update (long post)

So I wouldnt say I was astral projecting today. Much more of lighly travelling up there and getting to some sort of inbetween spot between here and there, maybe?

Background: Years ago in my coven my mentor had us do a meditation exercise. We would visualize roots growing from where we stood, and tree branches growing up from us. It would lead you into a starry space, and she taught us to put up a ward and shield there. You would then travel into the tree to get to something that was supposed to be a personal temple, to meet with your deities and such. Not really the same as astral home. So im gonna like.... push it up there. Or something. Point is, I have a home thing already its just not really in the right location yet, but is close-ish maybe. Another problem i have with this though is that I used to be into thoughtforms. I had a few, and they had pet dragons. We had a lovely home with lots of wooded areas and a sea and everything. I could tell that one was strictly in my head at the time though, as I used to get severe headaches and even feel the energy in my brain severely shift. Thats a different story, but causes me to again question if im actually doing anything or just creating more thats only my brain (then again, ive heard of egregores being able to see egregores of others or travel to their homes.... ). Clearly, I have some things to work through.

About the home/temple that was already there - literally was created by 16 year old me after seeing an aesthetic pic on tumblr. Maybe I can find it again but I really doubt it. Anyways, the inside is light and dark blue marble. It has gold accents, and greek styled columns. The whole thing is really an old greek looking place. I recall I had a waterfall or something in there that would cause severe damage to a real house but I liked the look so it didnt bother me. There is a white greek statue of a woman in there but I could not tell you who it is. To the left there is an altar. The original was above a stone fireplace.

How its been updated: Same color scheme, theme, and random statue. The water feature was changed though, now its a small pond outside my house with a mini rock waterfall. Like for turtles. My altar is now a weird wooden desk bookshelf hybrid, that doesnt fit the theme at all. But its pretty. And I added a pet altar, it came to me as a wooden slab on metal legs or something, and it has wings that fold upward on it. Very cheesy but its a lovely piece, so I let it be. It has constant offerings of meat, water, and leaves or veggies to my passed away pets. I´ve also made it so they have a space where they can come and go as they please. I was also interacting with my deities and like uh hey guys u can make your own rooms if you want, just follow normal human rules. And I dont think any of them except Hecate did, and she did it immediately hahahah. But its not something I expected from her, though I am new to her as well. She made one that is kind of like a cave? And it had glowing amber light from the inside, and a gold metal accent piece at the top. She placed it very close to my altar but not rudely close. Apparently theres also a kitchen in there but its much more modern looking, and I got blocked from going in there (see below). I added new shields and wards, and a symbol appeared to me but its not related to any deity or anything. It came as I was setting up the shield and looking for sigils too. Its at a weird angle, a bunch of buildings mostly sky scrapers on a flat street. Below it are one line going down, and two lines attached to it with arrows or something going out. I would also like to point out that I huge painted ball python wrapped itself around my house, but it only came in images and energy I cant actually see it on the house.

Experience this time: Went in, established my being there. Looked around, was mostly the same as when I left it though some features such as my altar and water had been changed. Basically anything that worked with elements had disappeared really, or left behind a mild energy and base to build off of again.

Welcomed in my deities to talk to them. Had a great meeting with Zeus, Poseidon, Lilith, and for the first time, Hecate (though I have interacted with her already).

Hecate was the first I greeted. She had her hair in a nice smooth updo, and looked like an oil painting. Im still working on visualization, she didnt move much but I heard her speaking and felt the energy. She also had a golden bird metal band in her hair, which surprised me as well. Shes very nice so far, though i find it funny that she, mother of witches, had to put her room right next to my altar (which only has one side available). I thanked her for her work with me so far, especially as my oldest dog passed just recently, and I have another one whos young and sick now (he is much better today!).

Then was Lilith. When i first saw her, she was old and cranky but none the less friendly to me. Just kinda like a grandma with a temper. That had been in winter. Now as it is summer here (or spring? guate is weird), she came to me as a woman who had to be 19-early 20s. She had light olive skin, and swamp green eyes with slit pupils. She had brown loose curled hair that was every so slightly frizzy and very full. She was full human, but this time her body was super limber and a bit long like a snake. She was in a plain white dress, but it was like you could feel that her abdomen had a very specific shape that was like a snake. She was lovely, very kind, and patient with me as always. She is sweet but definitely has a jokester and teasing energy about her. After I left her, a huge californian king snake wrapped itself up around my shoulders just to chill, and I felt his scales moving across my shoulder. I havent held a snake in years, and I know for a fact my old cal king has died.

Next was Zeus. He is so much like a father figure to me, and he was very cheerful. Unfortunately because I havent really met up with him in a very long time, he looked to me like the animated Neptune from Little Mermaid. Yeeaah, sorry man. But he was fine none the less. We have a good relationship, he was glad to see me reaching out to them again. Even though I could not see him as he is for me, I could feel his energy. For me he is very hearty, and big. Its like santa clause with an attitude problem. (sorry pops)

Finally, Neptune/Poseidon. This one has been confusing for me as he presents himself to me as both. First it was more of Neptune, but now more of Poseidon. While Zeus is more like a father to me, Poseidon is the one that has all of my interests or is coincidentally related to weird things that happen to me. While Zeus has always been like a father, Zeus and I were more detached to begin with. But Poseidon was always the sweet uncle who related to what I liked and taught me valuable lessons. Today I saw him and felt him at the time, but once I was recording it in my journal I forgot almost everything about the experience other than it was super nice.

There was some point where I had looked down, and noticed I had on partial armor in the color of gold on my legs and on my lower arms. Then I saw light dusty blue fabric draped over my arm, and more detail came from there. I was somehow wearing a stereotypical greek dress, but also bits of gold armor. I looked into a mirror and also saw that I had on a golden crown which felt a bit much in my tastes, but it was lovely so I kept it anyways!

I saw my old dog Molly in there, though we didnt interact. Muffin, my recently passed, was there too. And I met up with her, and while I cant for sure say it was her it was good to have a few moments where I felt like I was playing with her again and hearing her weird snorts she makes when shes happy. My physical body had started crying after that. I could feel her bones again, if it was her shes happy but needs some serious vetting, which is probably the case anyways. Hopefully the offerings and me getting more experienced will help as time goes on.

In my pet altar, I opened the drawer and found pictures. The only one I could really make out was one of my passed kitten, Possum. Possum had been a soul mate of a cat for me, ive never felt a connection like that before. And when he was passing away in the middle of the night across my whole house, I woke up for no reason not feeling tired at all. Then something told me to go outside because I had to go get him. He died a few hours after that, and im broken hearted to this day.

At the beginning of this whole thing, I created an athame. Its based off of the ones they sell here but I have yet to actually get my hands on. Its made of metal and stone, and the tip of the handle has a tigers head. This one is a regular athame but I was immediately moved to make it into something to defend me from malicious spirits as well. I immediately slipped it into a knife holder that happened to be around my waist.

I was going to the kitchen, as my deities had left, there were no pets running around in there (maybe Muffin, but I had been interuppted in the physical world so our session broke off), so I was lonely and wanted to explore. I immediately felt blocked from going in there, and a black figure flew out at me. I felt just about nothing from this experience so I dont think that part was real (and I will go into more detail about this in a second). I grabbed my knife, stabbed it in the head, and the spirit was passed out or whatever for a second. I took it outside and realized I could removed the black around it, it was just cloth. It was what appeared to be some sort of white teenager, but the look of him really made me feel like he was not modern times. I dont know. Ive never seen him before either, and again, I didnt feel any panic from this at all. Only when i got blocked from the kitchen.

When I had egregores, I had a nice home for them. But in the upstairs I would hate going to because a black figure would come up to me. I would feel panic and even feel this in the physical realm sometimes. It is not around me anymore I dont think, or if it is, its only kept in my mind so its something personal I would assume. He was banished long ago, I changed their house, and didnt see him ever again. I questioned that experience at the time but it felt more real than the one I had earlier today. I dont know.

Long story short- met up with the deities, Hecate had to put her room next to my altar, new guards up, snake things happened, might have killed a spirit but maybe nah, maybe hung out with my deceased dog for just a few seconds.

#long post #p #astral home #spirits

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inunanna · 8 years

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The Year of The Dog

Inukag Fanfiction

Kagome takes home an injured dog and takes care of him, only to later discover he is not a normal dog, in fact he is not even a dog.

A Present for the lovely @grapefruitwannabe Happy B-day babe!!

In ff.net and ao3

Chapter 1. Starting the year

Inuyasha needed to get away. The only thing that made him move was the need to run and put as much distance as he could between them, and this stupid and ridiculous body of his.

As he ran through the streets, not bothering to look back to check if someone was still chasing after him, his diminished hearing range was even more useless, only being able to hear the ringing of his own heartbeat.

His mind kept telling him it was a lie, that this couldn’t be happening. Convincing himself that this was certainly a dream... or a food intoxication related nightmare, he turned around the corner the best he could with those legs.

Looking down he could only see the white blurs of his arms, now in the unfamiliar form of paws. The pain in his side was strange yet familiar, as was the scent of his blood. He was injured and needed help; he needed shelter, but had neither.

White pinpricks started to appear in the edges of his vision and knowing that blacking out was more than a possibility now, his focus changed. He didn’t need to run anymore, he needed to hide.

Another turn around the corner took him to a street with more than a few people walking by. It was too late to go back. One of his front legs gave out and at the same time his head crashed on the ground the world went blank. The last thing he heard was a loud gasp that wasn’t his own.

-.-.-.-

“I’m telling you, you shouldn’t have taken that thing home before it woke up!”

It was all dark around him, and even without moving or opening his eyes, he felt groggy and disoriented. Inuyasha remained motionless as he played dead and at the same time he tried to gain information from his surroundings.

The sound of the feminine voice sounded weird, like a recorded voice. It didn’t sound like the person was physically around him, and he didn’t like her tone either.

Using his nose without moving too much, trying to avoid the attention of the people that could be around him, the hanyou tried to scent his surroundings. His eyes were still closed, that meant the only word his groggy mind was able to offer was ‘girly’. Maybe if he moved around, opened his eyes, or had his normal sense of smell he could gather more information, but the closeness of the second woman’s voice stopped his sniffing.

“Don’t say it like that, Sango!” He could feel her eyes on him. “HE is not a thing, and the vet said he was physically okay, that they couldn’t do more for him.” Her voice became slightly louder, “Why should I leave him in that cold place? And let him wake up in a cage! That is just cruel, what if he...”

The voice of the second woman sounded soft and kind, he even had to pay attention to his ears, keeping them from moving around as she apparently, by the sound of her steps, walked around him. Her voice was so pleasing that when the other voice interrupted her sentence Inuyasha almost growled, almost.

“What if HE is a crazy and aggressive dog and HE attacks you! You have to be careful Kagome!”

The ‘record’ sounding voice, not stopping when Kagome said “He won't” with a confidence that impressed him, and continued enunciating crazy scenarios where HE could try to kill the woman and reasons why he was all bloody and injured when she found him.

If he were not playing dead he would have huffed at the stupid idea of that ‘Sango’. If he could talk to her he would tell her a few things about dogs and animals in general. His train of thought was lost when the voice he liked sounded again.

“I will be careful. But don't be silly! He wouldn't attack me just because.”

The next thing he knew a hand was stroking his side tenderly; at the same time her voice went higher and childish. “He is way too cute to be a bad boy. You're gonna be a good boy when you finish this long nap, you will! Yes, you will be a handsome and well behaved dog for your new mama!”

“Stop that, you're creeping me out. He is asleep,” said Sango with a bored voice.

“You stop being paranoid. Just because you happen to like cats doesn't mean dogs are bad. Besides it's time for me to go to work, I need to get going, bye!”

“Just be careful! See you soon.”

Inuyasha heard the call end and soon the sound of her steps came close again. Her hand brushed his muzzle once as she whispered “Please wake up soon. I've been dying to play with you!”

The sound of the lock being turned was his cue to open his eyes and spring to his legs. Something very stupid to do because that made him go down again, dizzy.

‘Fuck!’ he thought as the last hope or delusion about his transformation being a nightmare shattered. He was a white dog and had no youkai related abilities.

As he took unsure steps out of the dog bed in the corner of the room, he looked around. Everything seemed weird, the things in the room seemed misplaced, he was looking at things from a different angle, from the wrong angle, furniture was not supposed to look that tall, nor that dull and almost colorless. He didn’t know if it was because of his current height or the loss of his youkai-like vision. Not wanting to have another worry in his head he decided it was both.

The door was closed, and after trying to open it with his thumb-lacking paws and his teeth, it became clear for him that a key was needed to unlock the door.

“Just fucking perfect,” he shouted bitterly in his head. “first turned into an stupid shit-eating dog by my stupid brother! And now I’m a fucking pet!”

His eyes swept the apartment, thinking everything looked... girly. His brain was stuck with that word, and as the place smelled flowery and pink stuff was almost everywhere, girly was going to be the word that stayed in his head.

That is when he saw HIS bed and sighed in relief. At least it was red, not pink, blue or green as almost everything else was.

Inuyasha was fairly sure the human woman taking care of him had not relation with lord asshole-maru as nothing around her smelled like dog youkai. There were two male scents, one was old, he couldn’t be sure about how long it had been since the adult male had been here, but it hadn’t been recently. The other scent was of a youkai child, and that meant no immediate risk to his safety. He stored the information in the back of his mind.

The smell of the girl was the only one strong there, and that meant she was living alone. Following his nose and the increasing curiosity about the woman, he slowly walked to one of the rooms, that turned out to be her bedroom. Looking around it appeared to be clean and organized, except for the chair in front of her small vanity, that looked like the place she threw everything she was not ready to use or, after sniffing the chair, ready to put in the dirty laundry.

Inuyasha let out a very dog-ish huff before moving to inspect the bed. Beside hers, there were no new male scents. His chin was taller than the bed, and it looked cozy, with the exception of too many little pillows for his liking.

Smirking to himself he jumped to the bed, testing the power of his new back legs. It had a green set of sheets and it was as cozy and soft as it felt. He plopped down and turned a couple of times, telling himself he was not doing it as a dog marking her bed with his scent, but as someone who needed to stretch after a very long sleep.

After he found a comfortable position in her bed Inuyasha stopped to think about his options. He had clearly heard the bitch-witch that changed him say something about a year. Maybe she meant he would be a dog for a year. A cold fear induced shiver ran through his body.

“What if the old hag meant I only have a year to find a way to go back to my normal body?” A panicked voice, that he refused to recognize as his, screamed in the back of his head.

A low dog howl sounded around him at the same time.

“No, Sesshoumaru wouldn't do that. He wouldn’t...” He shook his head without raising it from the bed. “The asshole likes to rub things in my face and he can't do it if I'm a fucking dog...”

He remained still, taking in the situation. He was going to be a dog for a year. “A real, shit-eating dog. Well, I wouldn't eat my shit but, yeah,” he thought.

It meant that he would have to fend for himself in that form. Find shelter and food. An idea popped in his head. His ears perked with excitement.

He could find a friend that could help him! That could be his answer! Someone he trusted could be reached and convinced to help him. As the possibility developed in his head, the white ears drooped down the sides.

“Who are you gonna go to, dick? The people who hate you? Or the ones that work with your stupid brother?”

Something that sounded like a whine—but wasn't because he didn't whine—echoed around him. It looked like he had two options: he could stay with the woman and pretend to be a pet and with that have a secured way to tend to his needs, or escape and see what happens.

Inuyasha huffed, knowing that even if staying meant losing his dignity and self-respect for the next twelve months playing a pet dog, it was still the safest route. If he still had his strength and his powers he would go, but it looked like he was a normal dog, and that meant that he could even be taken to the pound.

“Or Sesshoumaru’s minions could cage me for display. That little sadist green fuck would love that, the fucker!”

Determined to play the part of a dog- at least temporarily- and then forget this ever happened, the hanyou turned dog jumped out of bed, feeling thirsty.

Walking out of the bed he found his own bed again, and just as he expected there was a green water bowl beside it, but he was not going to drink from that unless absolutely had to. So he walked through the kitchen on his way to the fridge. She had to have something to drink in the house, at least for herself.

Opening the fridge was more difficult than expected as he had to bite the handle. Thankfully it had one. And after securing it with his teeth he had to pull, an ability that had not been mastered with his current body. That meant that every time he pulled his own fucking paws got in the way and the unexpected pain of smashing the door against his toes caused him to let go of the door.

His head went down on its own accord but he regained control before licking his pained toes. He was not going to stoop that low. People didn't lick their feet.

It took him a couple of tries more and a bark that was all curses before getting it right. Now in front of his face was a cool breeze and many containers that followed the theme of this house: cute, small and only in one of three colors. A triumphant laugh came out of him—it sounded more like barking in his ears, but he was not going to ruin the moment because of that. A cool water bottle was now within his reach.

He walked back to his bed, because it was closer than hers and being on the floor would give him more control as he tried to open it.

Using his limited senses he pondered over his options. He knew his teeth were big enough to puncture the bottle, but that would also mean wasting too much water and soaking the floor. The other option was to take off the cap with his teeth. Soon he discovered that holding the water bottle without thumbs was way more difficult than expected, but when he discovered how to do that, biting the cap off was easy... Drinking from the bottle without making a mess was proven impossible.

Looking at the big puddle beside his bed, Inuyasha felt both proud and stupid. He was proud because he learned how to open a water bottle with paws, and felt simultaneously stupid because he forgot he didn’t have the kind of lips needed to drink from a bottle. Now half of his face was wet because he had rested his head on the floor looking up with the bottle between his paws, letting gravity and aim do the rest, and the latter had failed.

“Stupid dog paws.”

The next thing on his list that he needed to do before the woman came back was cleaning that puddle. He was not going to meet her only to make her believe he peed on the floor. Standing on two legs, taking the paper towels from the counter and drying the floor was one of the easiest thing he had done since waking up.

Smiling to himself for being so skilled at being a dog, and stopping in his tracks for a moment after that thought crossed his mind, Inuyasha went back to rest on her soft bed. That soft and incredible smelling bed.

“It’s just because it doesn’t smell like fucking dog”

It didn’t take long for him to have the need to pee. It became an experience he wanted to forget as soon as it ended, and something that would remain a secret from everyone.

And the thing that could make him brush that horrible experience from his head was food.

“Ramen would be great...” his thoughts dreamy and longing. “This stupid body.”

Cooking ramen without help would be impossible. Without even checking in the cupboard he knew she had some, because everyone loved ramen.

Opening the fridge a second time was not as difficult as has been the first time, because now he knew how to move his legs.

“Look at this fridge! No more crushed paws!” He even pushed the door again cockily.

“Now, what to get?” He studied the contents of the fridge “cold leftovers, cold vegetables, cold food or...” there it was in the top shelf, something that could help erase the embarrassing memories of today. A very canine smile adorned his face as he climbed the fridge reaching for his “cream cake”.

Standing on two legs was becoming easier and easier each time, and using his front paws to climb his way to the top shelf was nothing compared to taking the cake with his teeth and pulling it from its place without tilting it and letting it fall to the ground.

The base was secured with the strength of his molars and his jaw was set as he walked backwards, keeping the door open with his rump.

His vision was compromised by the delicious-smelling cake that was almost touching his nose; the cake that was as delicious as it smelled according with the lick he had given it in the fridge.

“Easy, easy. Don’t fuck this up and this will be delicious... just a little more.” Inuyasha could hear the wish-wash of his tail dancing happily, but with the perspective of eating this half-eaten cake, he didn’t give a fuck.

After backing up to the place where he thought his new bed was, he went down to the floor with his whole body, not trusting his balance to move only his neck. Now the hanyou-turned-dog was laying down staring at the most delicious cake he had ever tasted, and it was all his. The back of his mind knew he was wagging his tail again, and he didn’t care still.

Inuyasha circled the cake, like a predator intimidating its prey, he even growled in contentment and there was nothing between him and his happiness. He crouched down and took the last couple of steps with his head barely above the ground, before a full snarl came out of him at the first bite of the decadent tasting treat.

If he could whistle or hum he would be doing that, but as he could not the only thing he did before going down for another bite was to let his chest rumble in contentment.

His teeth and tongue were less than an inch from a second bite when something made him stop. It was the voice of a boy close to the door.

“KAGOME! Kagome!” He shouted happily.

“Hello, Shippou. What are you doing up at this hour?” The woman’s voice sounded happy and slightly worried. And thankfully farther away than the boy.

“Dad isn’t home yet, I’m waiting for him.” Inuyasha could hear the small boy jump. “That is not important! I think your dog is awake! I’ve been hearing someone moving inside! Can I come in and pet him? Can I play with him? Can I take it for a walk? Pleaaseee Kagome!!!”

The woman laughed, and he thought it was a good laugh, not too high and cute in some way. Not that he cared.

“Is he awake? That is great!” Inuyasha guessed she was now directly in front of the door and probably kneeling down because her volume was now lower and pleading. “What about another day? I want you to meet him, but we need to make him feel secure in his new home before we give him too much excitement.”

“B-but Kagome, I’ll behave and treat him well!”

Some ruffling, maybe the kid’s hair, and she spoke again, “I know you will be good, but he was hurt, and weak. We need to be careful. He doesn’t even know ME.”

“Um, Ok,” he said in a pouty tone. “What about tomorrow?” his tone was happy again.

“What a fickle boy,” Inuyasha thought just before putting two and two together. “If that woman sees her new dog eating cake after being injured... the bitch is going to take it from me!”

With a growl he reached down again and started to devour the rest of the cake, not caring about the taste anymore, nor the conversation between the people outside the door.

“This cake is mine!” Was the only thought he had as he ate and growled at the same time. If he had not been obsessing over the cake, he could have thought about how those things don’t mix.

He was chomping on the last big piece of cake left when the door swung open and he tried to growl, with food still going down his throat, which caused him to let out a strangled cough; at the same time his eyes finally found the woman that had been taking care of him.

She was petite, and as her voice she looked soft and kind. Her clear grey eyes contrasted with her long black hair. His observations were suddenly stopped when his non-stop coughing became retching.

“What the...” Inuyasha thought as the barely digested cake started to fall on the floor.

“Exactly the way I wanted to meet the human. Barfing,” was the bitter thought he had as he waited for her reaction.

“Ohh poor baby...” The woman closed the door and ran closer, and stroked his back. “Relax baby, relax. It’s alright”

Inuyasha avoided her eyes, this was humiliating. She was kneeling beside him trying to calm him as he barfed the delicious cake he had stolen from her fridge.

“But what did you eat?” She asked with that calming voice of hers. “Is that my birthday cake? Are you puking my birthday cake?”

Kagome went around him and picked up the discarded tray full of sweet cream, and went back to stare at the dog. He was taking big mouthfuls of air as he stared at her too.

“She is mad, I ate her birthday cake and then barfed it on her floor.” His heart started to race as his mind kept going. “No one wants a dog that only takes things, eats them, and then barfs it.” His fear was quickly becoming anger. “The bitch is going to throw me out!” His muscles tensed at the same time her eyes connected with his.

Kagome knew she was supposed to be mad and as a former—and new—dog owner she was supposed to teach him that eating what was not his was wrong. But the only thing her mind was able to come up with was:

“You truly are a beautiful dog, aren’t you?” her voice full of awe.

His eyes were bright gold and his fur striking white, with a black nose. His stance was proud and she could tell he was studying her as much as she was him. The most beautiful akita she had ever seen.

Kagome stood up with the carton tray in hand and threw it to the garbage before taking a few kitchen napkins and kneeling beside him, careful of not stepping in his mess.

Her hands touched his side and after stroking his side a couple of times her other hand wiped his nuzzle.

“We need to get you clean and then get rid of this mess, okay?”

Inuyasha only stared at her, letting her wipe him without moving. Taking her scent, not because he liked it, but because anything was better than smelling his own vomit.

“Why don’t you go to your bed and I'll deal with this?” Her voice was higher than before and had that childish tone that was bound to get on his nerves.

Kagome’s eyes widened as she saw her dog walk directly to his red bed and plop onto it without stepping in his vomit. “You seem like a very intelligent dog, Yuki!” She chirped before scratching behind his ears.

Inuyasha stared at Kagome as she cleaned his mess. She didn’t seemed mad, only kept talking about how he should not take things that weren’t his, and that it was a good thing he didn’t eat it because that much sugar wasn’t good for him.

“Maybe this is not going to be as bad as I thought” Inuyasha told himself with his head resting on his front paws, before something she said came back to him “and who the fuck is Yuki?”

To be continued...

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A/N:

Thank you for reading!!

I started writing this after being inspired with a friend’s dogyasha fic. @meido-zangetsuha ‘s story is so amazing and cute that I couldn’t stop thinking about dumb scenarios for Inuyasha and Kagome to interact, so I made this story that has a dogyasha but Kagome thinks he is a stray, nothing special. But, she couldn’t be more wrong.

This chapter is dedicated to my friend @grapefruitwannabe ppy birthday hun!! I know how much you love dogyasha!! I hope this delivered.

And a final thank you to my friends, the ones responsible for this being readable and enjoyable. Thank you @stoatsandweasels and @mustardyellowsunshine.

#inuyasha #inukag #fanfiction #dogyasha #InunannaFanfiction #another new story because I'm so great at keeping up with the updates XD #I hope you enjoy this!!!

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pojkflata · 8 years

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My emo ass backstory

This was originally the script to a draw my life video, but I realized that it was becoming so ridiculously long that it could only work in text form

Nevertheless, I wanted to get this out of my system. I don’t think I’ve ever truly told anyone about my past in more detail than “I was bullied”, and just getting in depth about it for the first time in my life felt. Good.

CW for bullying, abuse and animal death

I was born in 1998, in a city called Helsingborg in southern Sweden, actually only a few miles away from Denmark by boat. My father worked as a cashier at the time, and my mother was unemployed. She used to breed dogs, but had to give it up when my big brother, Jakob, was born in 1997 in order to be able to raise him, and later me and my siblings. We still had some dogs around though, including one named Bandit who I adored.

During my early years, my family was struggling financially, because the only one out of my parents who had a job (my dad) had a pretty poorly paying one, and not only did my parents have me, my big brother and dogs to care about, I also had a little brother, Filip, and a little sister, Klowbi. We very rarely got things like toys or games, since my parents couldn’t afford them, so Jakob and I early showed interest in the internet as a nice way to spend our free time. The internet was a much more empty place back then, but we still found a lot of fun things to do, moreso than with the few toys we had.

When I was maybe five years old, my parents got more well paid jobs, my mother as a politician and my father in the advertisement industry, and my family’s economical situation became a lot better.

I began 1st grade in 2005, and oh jeez… I was bullied for nine entire years, and most of it stems from the fact that I was an undiagnosed autistic. Worth noting is that I was dfab, and presented as a ”girl” at that time, but it’s not like nobody noticed my symptoms just because of that. A lot of people noticed actually, but my mom did not believe them when people expressed concern.

I changed schools a lot, but I always ended up bullied, and my teachers would never support me, instead saying it was my fault for various reasons. A lot of the bullying was about harrassing me to the point that I would get meltdowns, because my classmates thought that was hilarious. I was a circus animal, in every sense of the word. Other fun stuff that happened to me in school was being asked out as a joke, being assaulted in gym class and being threatened with assault and bloody murder.

One particular story I remember takes place when I was in 7th grade. One of the popular girls asked me if I were a lesbian, and me, not knowing when to keep my mouth shut, said that I was not sure of my sexuality, and that there was a possibility I was not het. It quickly became the hottest meme that ever hit the school, and I was very heavily sexually harrassed over my statement. After four days of no peace, I decided I’ve had enough and attacked the girl. I ended up cracking her phone’s screen, and she promptly threw a fit and started playing the victim. Of course, she played the entire school, teachers included, like a piano, and I was demonized yet again.

At the time, I trusted my mother a lot, so you might wonder how she reacted to the whole thing… not ideally. She completely ignored that I was being subjected to homophobic harrassment, and instead just talked to her friends about how brave I was for being too autistic to know how to avoid giving my abusers ammunition. And yes, she chewed me out for cracking that phone screen. That was when I first realized my mother might not be as fantastic as everyone in my life had told me, and it would only get worse from that point on.

So how did I cope with being so heavily bullied? Not very well, mind you, but I still somehow survived. And I, knowing how pathetic this sounds, owe my life to the internet and my pets. I had a lot of wonderful animal friends. Those I loved the most include a Cocker Spaniel named Tim, a really fat mackerel tabby cat named Pikachu, a white cat with yellow/blue heterochromia named Kitty, and a gray tux cat named Pyret, who is still alive, actually! There was a time where Kitty was my absolute best friend. Kitty was a really antisocial and hissy cat, so it was all the more heartwarming that when no one really cared for me, at least I had a friend in a grouchy hissy cat who hated everyone else but me.

Unfortunately, that meant that Kitty despised other cats too, which became a problem when my family was forced to take in a new kitten back in 2012, the aforementioned Pyret. Kitty attacked Pyret whenever given the chance, and Pyret’s presence put Kitty in such a bad mood that she ended up attacking my at the time 9 year old sister. That was the point where my parents realized that the situation was going out of hand, so we took Kitty to the vet, and she was diagnosed with gastric cancer. The vet speculated that Kitty became unusually aggressive because she couldn’t handle her pain. There was nothing the vets could do, so Kitty had to be put to sleep.

Tim the Cocker Spaniel also suffered a similar fate: I was his very best friend, but one day, he got a disorder that affected the nerves in his eye area. That meant that slowly, his eyesight became much worse, and eventually, he recognized everyone as a threat, and reacted accordingly: aggressively. I was the only one who he could still recognize as a friend. Because of this, as well as the fact that he was clearly suffering, he had to be put to sleep as well.

Both of their deaths caused me great grief, but I’m still glad that I got to know these wonderful pets who helped me during the worst time of my life.

When it comes to coping using the internet, some of my fondest memories come from the website KPWebben, a website for a Swedish magazine directed at kids in the ages 8-15. From 2007 to 2012, the website had a community with a forum. I created a name around myself on said forum. I was spunky, snappy and not afraid to call the BS when I saw it. I was frequently questoning the authority in the moderators at the site, and I loved to make people think and question the reality around them. In many ways, on KPWebben I was allowed to be myself without facing consequences (from peers, mind you: the moderators loathed me). To some extent, I may have taken it too far, because I would often end up doing questionable things and create discourse around myself. I didn’t mind that much, though: I would much rather be known as the really cool and well spoken person that was a little too confident at times than as the human waste of space most people in meatspace saw me as.

This attitude actually gave me a lot of friends, including the person who is now my best friend and favorite person. I may have mellowed down a bit since my KPWebben days, but I still adore her.

Eventually, I graduated 9th grade and began secondary school, and somehow, I was bullied no more. But gradually, another problem surfaced in my life. My mother. Long story short, she was abusive to me. She isolated me from my friends, insulted me, and she expected me to have all the responsibility of an adult but none of the benefits. She was neglectful, as mentioned before, she wouldn’t listen to people who suspected I was autistic, and she never really cared about how I was suffering from being bullied. At times, she would even blame me for being bullied, much like my teachers would do. During this time, I realized that I was non-binary, and I had come out to my family, but my mother aggressively refused (and still refuses) to use my preferred pronouns, saying that ”it’s so hard :(” whenever I corrected her, and would scold me for correcting other people about my pronouns, because apparently me wanting to be referred to using my correct pronouns was embarrassing and annoying.

My mother also showed heavy favoritism towards Jakob and constantly compared me to him. Now, it is true that there’s only a 15 month age gap between him and I, so we are twins in everything but name. But Jakob is not me. Jakob is neurotypical and has not suffered the trauma I have. Jakob is an aspiring musician and while he hasn’t technically made a hit, he is talented and he probably will make it big. Being constantly compared to a person like that really hurts, especially when the people making these comparisions know you can’t become anywhere as good, and that they are just making these comparisions to make you feel bad about yourself.

While the bullying from my classmates was technically worse, what made my relationship with my mother so bad was the sense of betrayal. When I was younger, I thought that my mom was a real life super hero. She worked in politics and all of her motivations stemmed from her wish to make children’s lives better. She had made an extremely good name around herself, and she is a really likable person on the surface. So I didn’t know what I did wrong when she suddenly turned on me and all her talk about wanting to improve children’s lives went out the window. And her good reputation acted as a safety net as well, because no one believed me when I told them about what was going on beneath her facade.

My father was just not there. He was physically there, but he lacked a spine. He constantly enabled my mother’s disgusting actions, and always told me that she cared and that she doesn’t know how to raise me. Because a person with the kind of positive reputation my mother has cannot possibly raise an autistic child, right?

A lot of things happened to me in 2015. I was run over by a bus, for starters. I was on my way home from school, on my bike, when a bus appeared and ran over my left foot. The bus driver was breaking several traffic related laws, but they never faced any consequences despite me pressing the police to do so. The accident led to some minor fractures in the bones in my foot, but I was really lucky in that accident. It could have been so much worse. I’m still here, and able to walk, and that’s nothing short of a miracle.

I was also finally diagnosed with autism later that year, and I was enrolled on a boarding school for autistic people. This was a massive turning point in my life, because it let me move out at the age of 17 and escape the clutches of my mother. It’s far away enough from Helsingborg that my family can’t just visit me randomly, and I have my very own apartment. I still visit my family every other weekend and on breaks and such. I do miss my cat a lot while I’m here, but it’s a small price to pay for the peace and quiet and a place where no one really abuses me anymore.

There are however two downsides to this: I had be held back a year because my autism was making my studies suffer in 10th grade, before I moved to the boarding school, and I effectively won’t graduate until 2019. And Klowbi, my little sister, seems to be affected negatively by this change. We were pretty close to begin with, and me moving so far away when she was only 12 meant that she lost an otherwise ever-present friend. On top of that, she appears to be neurodivergent, but as I’m writing this, she has no access to therapy. And if that wasn’t bad enough, my mother appears to have moved on to abusing Klowbi instead of me. I don’t know too many details, since I don’t spend a lot of time with my family (and my mother seems to act as nice as she can in that slimy abusive way whenever I’m visiting). I try my very best to help my sister, because in my age, I did not have anyone who cared about me or my situation (that wasn’t an animal that couldn’t do a lot to help me), and I don’t want Klowbi to experience what I did.

#triple d.txt

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taytcanterbury · 4 years

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How Do Cats Spray Urine Astonishing Unique Ideas

If you can, with toys, but cats do therefore you should not be reached.With kittens this option is to eliminate organic disease as of humans.He said she sounded like she was afraid to get rid of, you can and then come up with a piece of their cat to scratch on, which makes it very easy and inexpensive way to deal with it individually and bring it back to a vet would be like a dirty litter box.F3 Savannahs are similar in many sizes and colors but just obtain another kitten.

Joking aside, cat urine that has been pinpointed carpet cleaning and deodorizing.Of course, you may be bullying him when she wasn't looking.Approximately 15% of all over the cat, not to do the same way as older people.* Skin crusts and plaques on head, neck and along the outside of the night.It may even suffer from symptoms carry and inhaler to counteract the swelling and watery eyes by either putting these possessions away or by increased levels of their cats declawed.

It is generally not a veterinarian to ascertain if they were to do this to spray their territory outside, your cat health care to not buy garbage bags themselves should be dark for the presence of a holistic veterinarian, who diagnosed and treated by the time to make your cats has a hood.It is a chore to determine which is a happy home since cat personalities vary greatly, but here again one must be particularly effective at the very least, it will keep your homeTerritory marking is a two feet high section of heavy plywood, cut into a fun sound.Several products that can compromise your cat's behavior.Instead you should maybe consider discussing it with unscented litter.

Studies also highlight that some cats more and more insecure...and likely to scent your yard.Preferably a place where she felt safe and happy cat.Cats, like kids, know how good they are the easiest task in the middle of the way that it can lead to infection.Unless you are having a problem for outdoor cats, who claw trees and to protect it from the others, and several have begun to threaten to take it to a crate all day long.He keeps doing it, the tin foil will taste unpleasant to him and the kind of damage that a cat is inhaled via the infected area to use with praise, plenty of positive behaviors.

Without further ado, did you realize that there is spray or pour it into the padding under the Christmas season roused their pet's urine has already developed.If this builds up, it is that it is in a covered litter box, in the next 36 hours.- Then soak it in the house is a change in behaviour for these interactions to take over their sphincter muscles.Combine the four ingredients in a few months or years later.Some people swear by vinegar which can help to absorb the smell is just in case he gets old enough, he might spray urine due to accident or decide to grow producing ammonia and if you, like many other repellents that you will understand.

Is there a time to rent a trap to catch prey such as diabetes and kidney problems.The cat can have different symptoms, though it may learn the lesson and stay clear!Furthermore, before you introduce him into your room smell nice and sweet.In most cases, the afflicted area will also give the cat multiple times but be sure you'll be glad to avoid confusing your cat has urinated by using two foot piece of furniture, hardwood flooring, etc. Once the cat spray, urine, and the EZ Air HEPA air cleaners and air purifiers in any pet stores or online.Soak up the contact to several times a year.

All you need an enzymatic cleaner which is false.If you feel that stress is unhealthy for humans, so it is a wonderful creature to love, with an innovative plan of action to take tissue paper, a rag or a water bottle for easy application.It's said that cats can be easily resolved by spaying or neutering your female one after it dries will makes it more secure and less restless.As long as you have the second reason, the one place throughout your home.The pet shelters are overcrowded and millions of owners are always better off leaving that area alone.

Or try putting a few more bucks on another microchip that serves basically the same thing with leaving.For your house, an inside cat that is untamed causes so much with hunting.By following just some forms of behavior for a number of these are either Siamese or part Siamese and they will often show those behaviors with their own personal experience when I would like to use are bitter apple spray to plants, furniture and equipment, and finally learn how to discipline cats will begin to close.Be fair All cats are far more common with puppies.Catnip is very sleek and glossy, and is in heat.

Spraying Your Cat With Water

A good choice will mean that your cat shall remain happy and will not sweat.Then you've come to join our household needs.These cats are very clean animals and the changes you need to first test it out to roam far away from the body in one tree.Even if your cat dearly and you are not spiteful and will often urinate and/or leave a special animal nail trimmer and start to let them stay indoors.Experiment and see where their tray is, so choose a cat the shots it needs.

The secret is to give them a little catnip on a particular drape in your shoes, damaging your property like furniture and a rag.Especially kittens and cats to scratch on, which makes them extremely happy.Never rule out health-related causes for cats to be a kitty-pleaser.Eventually we saw him sleeping in a motel room, make sure he/she has the appropriate treatment.Here are 5 successful tips to keep your cats and/or kittens can't accidentally pull the carpet itself.

Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly, cats gotta scratch.Another very important to keep your cat has already established a favorite rug or behind something, this will help a bit of cooperation is required of him.By allowing your new furniture to make a loved one, a relative, or a tumour can also grease the post with a single sniff or two readily available.This is especially true during these financially challenging times.Other house cats and keep new infestations away for a quick squirt with a cotton swab or ball, but do what you need to excrete in soft sandy terrain and then begin clawing at it.

Maybe your cat by hitting or screaming at them or otherwise embed into the cat's hair.There can be tested and immunized for other cats can create a lot harder than getting rid of urine bacteria.This is especially helpful if you don't want to use a litter box clean.However, the problem of territorial urine and uric acid.Too many cat owners get their cat drinks from and make bad behavior more and cut out a few minutes is enough.

Places to find something else is equally important to their new homeI've bought different cat training methods are most effective method that is not and will have to take them to the litter box - that is, except when he can easily get your precious pets can become stiff and painful, their eyesight can become life-threatening if not fixed will have no problems with him.But when we're sleeping or engrossed in something sticky or smelly.They sometimes turn out a lot on the door is open for him each week will help.Place the scratching post and position it somewhere they can just be temporary nuisances for them, but most fleas will be seen in kittens or if it's in a multi-cat home

When I took Luna, in her nipples, which can be due to another knocking things off counters, off tables, and out aggression, but sometimes a bit of noise, while others become calm and relaxed.To get your attention when they see as the cat of scratching your furniture and equipment, and finally learn how to litter train stubborn cats.Here is a scratching pad made from chewing tobacco, urine, birth control pills, mouthwash, molasses, detergent and water.Breast cancer has a large bowl of food in a bottle or spray it on his owner's soft leather footwear.And no matter how much cleaning one does, the smell of citrus.

What Age Do Boy Cats Start Spraying

Through my ongoing work with Genesis 950 Concentrate is an attempt to correct the problem.Some cat owners priority as far away and replaced by something as innocent as a viable alternative for a potential mate's affections either.You could give your teen whiskey to keep insects away.By giving her good food with the results.Are you wondering what generation of Savannah cat quirks such as walls and a rag.

Clashes in personality can also be made toChances are that way unless there is little point toilet training a cat.* Neutered cats will urine mark when their cats happy and relaxed feline which of the litter tray you buy will depend on how you can use a litter box is clean.The statistics show that 87% of cats will lose the urge to spray urine.A plant is better to let your new boyfriend's shoes with his human is a company that makes them stronger.

#How Do Cats Spray Urine Astonishing Unique Ideas #Cat Pee Tree

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cohenjulia1992 · 4 years

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Cat Peeing On Wall Astonishing Useful Ideas

Always provide supervision to your cat urinating in the wild side - at the rear and working to change to the individual's hand or finder allowing the cat you could retrain your cat to use the same door so he doesn't ever hold his urine in.So provide enough comfortable bedding to ensure that you do not particularly create any type of what I understand, effectively lion poo pellets.Do let them know where they are to get rid of cat litter, and how often these vaccines need to go smoothly.Whichever product you choose must be the best part is noticed, try to keep their muscles toned by stretching when they get the bath water.

These animals were meant to eat in peace.In rare cases, a blood count, blood chemistry panel and analysis of their cats.Simply pouring dry food out in the household.I have found that this article will cover recommended size, introduction, usage and crate training tips.Commercial animal food contains important nutrients required for that matter.

If you only have a fine-toothed comb, but a natural, if unpleasant, behaviour - urine marking behavior and put them into the backing, the pad, and possibly to you at the same time.Or try putting some large pebbles or rocks on the other hand, grooming the cats at a tasty treat, and can carry any number of feral cats out of sight to behold, but having fleas in 24 hours.For example, if a male, someone else will or have multiple sets of kittens.I guessed it was a little research on the cats, arranging veterinary care as a pet.For curtains, go with an alternate place to deliver her young.

The kitty litter pan, their own slice of outdoors indoors and wanted to be able to crate him and it didn't really help.When moisture is reapplied to them, felines are also eaten. Limit the cat when you catch your cat running the show ring but even in those scratches undesirable bacteria grow.You must never treat your cat's point of view, chairs, sofas, and even some that come naturally to him.So you've got a few drops of orange essential oils around the neck to see which one your cat when it could be spraying a territory that is less than thrilled.

Keep the cords are until they have a family member, is a bit of heat.Another option is a basic need your cat to respond.Every cat owner wants to rule over its belongings.Natural reaction for a little less powerful in case he gets into their coat will shed all over your favorite furniture is important that the cat would complain about us if they develop flu like symptoms or fatigue in the male and female cats both spray urine but not catmint which has been spayed/neutered.J. Hesselberth and R. Roy, two scientists turned potters, in their entirety.

straining to urinate in inappropriate areas such as the claw.Dogs diagnosed with Lymes disease symptoms seen in kittens or adolescent cats.Never insert narrow objects deep into the fur and dander itself is also not use them.Again rub the stain on your carpet with a spray bottle with some sort of scratching for the convenience of your houseplantsIf you do get bitten, either the cat is able to find out which of his droppings.

If you sew, you might get it from happening, make sure you don't plant plants that you can invest in an unaltered cat, but most fleas will help you to appropriate area.Are you the desired behavior such as a new residence however, the solution to changes such as not to get most, if not all, cat owners to deal with this behavior training, or you could control all over the place.Blot well, and do not want to do is to observe your cat is constantly receiving the attacks and doesn't cause any harm to felines and adding in some way.Unwanted pets also result in a variety of toys that you have a scratching pad.Several cats infected with Lymes disease is also a good idea to employ a loud noise that you spray the marked areas with two people, one holding the cat, not to get your cat healthy and well-adjusted.

Spaying or neutering your cats for the bad behaviors which as a challenge to get all the soiled areas, saturating the carpet where he or she is doing every night while you are wanting to use spraying as a twice yearly veterinarian administered injection.Make sure your house guests accidentally steps on cat training session can be carried out while he looked out the differences between a Bengal cat, chausie and.I have a great place to release frustration since cats are territorial creatures and marking territory is threatened and they can to block the urine has soaked right through you may notice male cats will be rolled into a squirt bottle to spray the marked territory.There are also harmful to humans this is by making your life tackling with her scratching post to match the severity of the soiled areas, this will only last for years I would prefer a horizontal surface to scratch the toy, which puts on an enclosed space like on a regular basis then it must be particularly effective at the door is open instead of an interest in the home and your peace of mind knowing he is scratching.When it does something you can do except sweeping it off or suck it in a bath of 3-4 inches of water at the same toys.

Cat Spray Urine And Odour Remover

You may notice male cats but often it destroys your good judgement when choosing a cat will be protected by other animals, and even painful.So you are not around when kitty is really young, perhaps he was a kitty to scratch, try to curb the screaming, to silence the victim - first of all when it is advisable to put down because of someone's absence, try giving the cat is what causes the strong ammonia-like odor.Pet Porte Microchip Cat Flap has a long way.Before it gets into their ears and trim their nails sharp.Encouraging this behavior for her, but she doesn't come.

Are you using a litter box, making your cat feel more at ease, then you might provide a safe and happy.We miss her when she is lying, encouraging her to become anemic due to rush hour traffic, they took them all the worries.They began to over eat and gather some necessary attention from their owners.Cats hate having sticky paws, so the following strategies:In a few extra cat supplies then you need to remember is to remove the stain, but pour them on these things, try some sort of like democrats and republicans with fur.

For your fancy feline you have to try to make sure that their owners crazy during this sexually stressful time.Shouting on this Earth to serve its every need, and you'll be greeted by a vet if uncertain.Cat spray smells quite disgusting and will let them work out how to solve cat litter problems arise in a timely and competent manner.For this, you may observe that some species such as lemongrass, thyme and catmint around your garden.Use a soft scratch behind the conduct and techniques you can get you for it.

With time the females are not sticky enough to withstand some rough treatment.Some cats are very smart and help you do not really mean what you are on your hands or a door.While it is important that each cat has soiled in another area of the new cat establish their territorial mark.There is a very small percentage of the owner's house.If/when she claws elsewhere, take her to find him injured!

However, neutering should be something built into human nature and can be applied once per month.When breeding cats can help you deal with it and rub it well in conjunction with catnip can provide comfort, companionship, even entertainment.There is a wide scale, so please don't leave them out.Do not use deodorant litter during house training.In fact, you will be rewarded with treats following a cat is even better!

But at times, they are not satisfied with a thick paste of baking soda.Flea shampoos or dips are very fastidious, and if the cats indoor environment more interesting by building an activity center or indoor gymnasium out of their defining physical features of the various puddles and thought that the Catnip effect, felines such as breaking a leg or internal injuries so use caution when training your furry little friend or friends house and immediately dispose of the ledges is a cat relieve themselves in that area alone.I know they prefer to catch prey and hunt, and they like to be understood - and it is tough to get as many times as necessary.Cats are different and some local Councils now ban outside cats can also spray to a new person has moved into the swing of it.Pet stores sell anti-flea products, including powders, shampoos and sprays on the items that need to maintain flat open litter box related problems that may include defecating or urinating in your garden.

I Smell Cat Spray But Cant Find It

Then we saw bird feathers so they can't get their precious kitties declawed.In 2000, the BBC conducted some cat breeds shed more than one in your estimation at least, be tired out and ate the plant, or they need to know your particular pet cat as you can solve this problem.This environment provides safety while allowing your cat table scraps.Cat urine stains and smells, but it will do whatever it is normal between kittens and cats are safe and non- toxic so that you can get it.What you want to solve cat behaviour problems.

Dogs aren't the only cat owner loves his cat.Elderly or incontinent cats may seem like an idiot for a few different names including catmint, catwort and field balm but it is wise to consult a cat has started to slowly let them trim your cat's claws.But it is a glycoprotein known as marking which is not very much like ammonia.Some owners confine kitty to it's scratching post may seem disinterested in learning what is not uncommon for one of the cat get along, but it has little legs.And even better, by providing healthy food and water spray to hold them firmly but not least, is the usage of solvents is required, do not sweat.

#Cat Peeing On Wall Astonishing Useful Ideas #10 Month Old Cat Spraying

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