#in some parts of the country i could buy an /entire fucking house/ for the same price i paid for a studio flat here

[ham1lton]

WET DREAMZ.

pairings: sebastian vettel x reader. lewis hamilton x reader. jenson button x reader. nico rosberg x reader. fernando alonso x reader.

summary: when you move next door to a hot single dad, you take it upon yourself to seduce him. too bad for you that he uncovers your plan. you’re not exactly subtle.

warnings: sexual content. like most of this is straight up smut. mdni. explicit mentions of f!reader’s body parts. charles cameo in nico’s! implied cheating in fernando’s.

author’s note: i woke up in a fugue and wrote this as i ignored all of my adult responsibilities. show it some love <3 also no beta. we die like men.

— taglist | tip jar | feedback and requests | masterlist | ♡

SEBASTIAN VETTEL ✿

when your company allowed you to work remotely, you moved into a smaller village on the outskirts of germany. your family and friends weren’t too happy with your decision to move but with the current economic state of your country at the moment, it was great for your bank account.

your house was a modest affair, with three bedrooms but a gorgeous kitchen that gave you direct visual access into your neighbour’s backyard. the same neighbour who knocked on your door when you first moved in, with a jar of honey and some eggs as a housewarming gift. he was covered with a light sheen of sweat that would have seemed disgusting on anyone else. he introduced himself in german and switched to lightly accented english when he saw your confusion.

he’d sometimes pass you when he was walking his dog, or cycling to the farmer’s market. he’d make his kids wave hello as he’d pick them up and drop them off at their mother’s. he’d take your cakes when you’d exhausted your baking hobbies and would burst if you’d have another slice. he’d grin and smile bashfully when you told him you’d made one just the way he’d liked it.

as you watch him, he turns around and waves at you. a big grin splitting his face as you wave back. you’re so fucked. you spent an hour on facetime last night with your best friends as you went through the pros and cons of fucking your hot neighbour.

the cons outweighed the pros mostly, if it went badly you could lose access to the free gifts he’d bring by occasionally or his help when he would have a look at your car when it started spluttering when you needed to buy groceries. it would be weird too. aren’t adults supposed to be on good terms with their neighbours?

it didn’t stop you from you asking him if you could wait out the storm in his house instead of yours as all the lights had gone out and when he kissed you, you were shocked. you hadn’t needed to come up with a plan to seduce him into wanting you, because he already did.

he had you spread over his lap, his ring finger and his middle finger already in your centre. the sounds of your arousal filling the room as you fucked yourself against his digits. he smiled into the crook of your neck before kissing it.

“i knew you were this desperate for it,” he hums, his german accent thicker as he pressed his thumb lightly against your clit. he’s teasing you, and normally you’d be okay with it. playing this mutual game of cat and mouse but not when you’re this desperate to get off. “it’s okay. because i was desperate for it too.”

your eyes roll back as you reach your peak.

LEWIS HAMILTON ᯽

after your promotion, you decide to treat yourself to a summer home in monaco. it’s a flat in an expensive complex, with a pool, a gym and even a spa. you’d spend many days relaxing and enjoying the amenities or shopping with the bonus money that your boss had bestowed upon you for sealing a contract with one of the biggest businesses in your country. this was your time to relax.

yet, you couldn’t relax. as you finished your daily workout - yes you now had the time - you saw the hottest man in your entire life walk past you in a loose gym set. embarrassingly, you were filling up your water bottle which overflowed and covered you with the excess. thank god he didn’t see.

you hadn’t been much of a femme fatale, you were more of a business woman in your head. your sister told you that there wasn’t much difference between the two, just that the femme fatale chose a different line of business. it was that comment that encouraged you to start your plan of seduction.

it wasn’t working, even when you wore your best gym outfit, the one that made your ass look incredible, or when you attempted to bump into him at the complex’s coffee shop in the cute two piece that exposed your best assets. it seemed like he disappeared.

until he knocked at your door at the middle of the day, you opened it to see him dressed in a suit. for a selfish second, your thoughts drifted to him wearing this for you.

“do you mind watching my dog? roscoe is in a mood today and my usual dogsitter is busy. i have a meeting that is impossible for me to get out of. you’ll be doing me a big favour.” oh. he was british.

you smile at him, as graciously as you can. thanking god that you had just come back from brunch with the girls, so your hair and makeup were still done. you told him all about how much you love dogs and you wouldn’t mind at all watching his fur baby! you were a lovely neighbour after all.

he repaid the favour later anyways, on his knees and in between your legs. he pulls down your underwear, you had shaved in anxious preparation for this moment, your arousal leaving a stain against the fabric. he pressed his thumb against your folds before licking a stripe between them. his tongue flicking against you, as you pressed down harder on his face.

your moans were loud and unapologetic. you had a gorgeous man between your thighs, eating you out like this was his calling. he grinned at you, his face drenched in your juices. you groaned and put your hands on his braids.

now this was a holiday.

JENSON BUTTON ☆

moving to the big city was supposed to be a shock, but you took to it gracefully like a duck to water. london wasn’t the nicest to everyone but it took a liking to you. you bought a house with your best friend in a family neighbourhood with low crime rates and a high chance of getting more money when you’d both inevitably sell it in the future.

it was walkable which you loved. you could walk less then ten minutes to go shopping. you had come back with a few shopping bags when you accidentally bumped into your neighbour who was coming back from picking up his daughters. he laughs at the action as he apologises and gives a hand out for you to shake.

“i’m jenson. sorry about that, these two usually have me run off my feet!” he points at his two daughters who have already ran insider the house. “it’s like they’re my parents.”

after shaking your hand, he takes his cap off and runs a hand through his slightly greying hair. he’s wearing a pair of shorts with a loose t-shirt. it is almost summertime but the weather in london had a mind of its own. sunny one day, rainy the next and freezing for both. but jenson didn’t seem to mind the cold.

you introduce yourself and he listens intently until you realise that you have to go. there is frozen food in the bags and jenson’s daughters are calling for their post-school snack. but after that meeting, you always time your post shopping trip for when jenson comes back with the girls. your roommate/best friend doesn’t protest when you insist on the shopping being your chore but she does give you a sideways glance when she sees you chatting with jenson again on the step.

one night, you’ve come back from a date. it went awfully as per usual, although london seemed to love you and want you, the men didn’t seem to. you’re home late, when you rummage in your purse and swear loudly. you brought the wrong purse! you could call your roommate but she sleeps like the dead and probably wouldn’t answer. you’re thinking of breaking through the window when a voice calls at you.

“y/n?” jenson grins at you. “are you alright?”

after a moment, and a few minutes of arguing that you’re fine to sleep in the bushes, you’re inside jenson’s home. dressed in a pair of his old clothes. he hands you a cup of tea and puts down a packet of biscuits next to it.

“so, are you going to tell me why i caught you dressed to the nines and attempting to break through a window?” he’s trying to sound stern but he’s smiling as he says it.

“bad date,” you start and smile ruefully, taking a sip of tea. “forgot my keys and well, at least you caught me before i did any damage.”

he laughs. you laugh too but not before realising that there are probably kids sleeping in the house. you bring this up to jenson who waves off your concern.

“the girls are at their mum’s. it’s just us. don’t worry. you can be as loud as you’d like.”

you end up being very loud as you lay on his very comfortable bed. he’s tapping himself again the hood of your clit as you squirm breathless from the earlier orgasm he gave you. he smiles at you, leaning up to kiss you as he slides in, swallowing your gasps as he kisses you firmer.

“you know how long i’ve dreamt of having you like this?” he asks. you shake your head, moaning again as he fucks you harder. “since the first day you bumped into me, in that little fucking skirt. dreamt of bending you over and having you like this. anyway you’d let me. would you?”

you nod, voice locked in your throat as he mouths at your tits. he smiles at your willingness.

“good. we have the entire weekend to ourselves. let’s see how many times i can get you to cum. hmm?” you squeeze yourself around him as you have your first orgasm. your cunt spasming as he gently pulls out. he lets you rest against him for a moment, taking a deep breath as he runs a hand down your back.

“now that’s number one. keep count for me darling, okay?”

NICO ROSBERG 𑁍

you weren’t a yacht person. when your university friend had begged you to come home with her for the holidays, you hadn’t expected the family party to be held on a yacht. this was out of your tax bracket.

it seemed like everyone in monaco was right. the casual displays of wealth and decadence made you sick at times. thinking about how the money that went to buying that birkin bag could have made a change in someone’s life. then you think about how you’re wearing a custom gown on a friend’s yacht and realise that you’re now part of the problem.

a bonus about being in monaco, was that the men were gorgeous. your friend’s older brother charles was handsome with dimples and a gorgeous accent. if he hadn’t been in a relationship with a supermodel, you would have been all over that. thankfully, there was more eye candy in the city. your friend’s father had a business partner that was in their house more often then not.

he was blond, blunt and pretty in all the ways an older man could be. when he looked at you, you felt like the world could burn at your feet. he had also been on the yacht at the same time as you. drinking champagne, mingling with family and investors as you ate canapés and watched the sky.

“is it boring you?” he asks, as you turn around. he was dressed in a loose linen shirt, light coloured trousers with his shirt open just enough to see the smooth skin underneath. “can’t believe she brought you to a work event.”

“it’s fine. there are worse places to be.” you respond. you take a sip of champagne and you both ignore the fact he watches the sip go down. he takes note of the way that you’re still looking in the direction of charles and his girlfriend, the two still wrapped around each other.

“you’ve fallen for the charles charm?” he says, smiling as he sits across from you. he puts his ankles up on the table like he owns it, which he probably does. you can tell a lot from a person’s body language, and his is telling you that he’s used to getting what he wants. “it’s a shame. another pretty girl lost in his eyes. want another drink?”

“pretty girl?”

he nods, blue eyes darkening as he looks at you over the rim of his drink.

“would you want me to show you how pretty i think you are?”

so that’s how you find yourself bent over the sink in the bathroom at a yacht party, your pretty dress bunched up at the waist as he presses his fingers inside you. scissoring them to stretch you wider.

“is this what you imagined he’d do to you?” he asks, voice curious. “that he’d go down on you in one of the bedrooms? he’d let you go down on him? that he’d split you open with his cock as we all walked around upstairs?”

you sob as he talks you through it, mascara running down your cheeks. how are you going to explain to your best friend that you fucked her dear precious uncle nico while talking about her brother. he grinds his palm against your clit as he stands up and gags your mouth with his fingers.

“can’t be too loud honey, don’t want them to hear you.”

FERNANDO ALONSO ꩜

spain was a big adventure for you and your boyfriend. the two of you made the decision to move for a few months to his grandfather’s home to help redesign the place. it was slightly run down but nothing that you couldn’t fix. the goal was to rebuild it in order to sell it off.

however, you hadn’t foreseen that this would effectively destroy what relationship you had with your boyfriend. he insisted on not signing the place under your name despite you also funnelling funds into the rebuilding of the house. after another argument, you decide to take a break. wearing a bikini, and armed with nothing besides water, sunscreen and a good book, you make your way into the backyard. sunning yourself to at least gain something from all the money you’ve put in, even if its just a tan and a relaxing afternoon.

“you’re the new neighbour?” a voice calls out, as he leans against the fence that separates your property. you knew the next door neighbour had kids, you could hear them playing occasionally in the summer sun as you painted. you didn’t know they had a hot dad. that’s new information. he smiles at you. “it’s been a while since there has been a young person. the old man who lived here has been here since before i was even born. you’re his kid?”

“no,” you laugh. “he’s my boyfriend’s grandfather. i’m just here as a cash cow apparently.”

your voice turns a little bitter but why wouldn’t you be? you have put in the same amount of time and effort as he has onto this place and now you’re not getting anything back. court is an option but it’ll drain even more of your bank account.

“why is that?” he asks, head tilted as he looks at you.

you end up spilling everything to him. about the house, the money, the contract that has your name redacted. in return, he tells you that his name is fernando and the kids you always hear playing in his back garden aren’t his but rather his nieces and nephews. it’s nice listening to him speak, with the heavy spanish lilt to his accent. he is the first person in a while who has just listened to your grievances so when he asks you inside for a drink, you don’t hesitate. grabbing your wraparound skirt, you follow him inside.

less then ten minutes later, you’re on his lap, as he presses his mouth against your tits. enveloping one nipple in his mouth while his fingers move to play with your other one. you grind down harder against him, feeling your clit brush against the hard muscle of his thigh. your bottoms are soaked with your arousal as you lean closer and bite his shoulder to stay quiet. he leans away from you for a moment, as your eyes widen worried that you’ve done something wrong.

“don’t be quiet hermosa, let him hear it,” he grins up at you then leans in for a kiss. “isn’t that most of the fun?”

author’s note: sorry y’all idk what came over me.

[unenomainen]

I think i am going to move to a smaller, less expensive city at some point For Real

[nekropsii]

People in the Cronus v. Vriska debate will also completely ignore that Cronus. Really wants to kill people. He just says that. No obfuscation included.

He doesn’t even have any excuse for it. Vriska killing people makes sense because she grew up on Alternia and had to feed her Lusus. Cronus just wants to kill people because he wants to do murder-eugenics and is really fucking mad murder-eugenics isn’t legal and does in fact have social consequences. Cronus just wants to kill disabled people for being disabled and not get in trouble for it. He explicitly says he wishes culling “meant what it should have” on Beforus.

Vriska was born and raised on Alternia, and that’s not her fault. It is, in fact, an entirely new level of fucking deranged to want Alternian laws to be real. Growing up in a system where killing people deemed below you is okay is different from wishing you lived in a system where killing people deemed below you is okay, because growing up there inherently means that that is already normal to you, while wishing that was the case inherently means it is not normal to you, you just want more harm to befall specific out groups (the lower class, the disabled, etc.) and to hurt more people in more violent ways.

People also love to casually ignore that Cronus is a grown adult. Like, sure, he’s 19, and 19 years old is pretty young in the grand scheme of things, but he is still a grown ass man who knows better. Him knowing better and simply not caring is literally a major part of his character. He is a grown ass man who can make his own legal decisions and live on his own. He can pay taxes. He could buy a house. He could invest in the stock market. In some countries, he can legally drink. He can drive. He can drink and drive. He can go die in the military. He’s grown. He’s a grown ass man. Vriska is 13. That is a child. Like, a CHILD child. Vriska is a middle school child. This is the difference between a middle schooler and a college student. Think of how mentally developed you were at 13. You weren’t even done with puberty yet. You’re not even done growing at that age. Cronus can fucking vote. He can go to adult prison. If you spotted a kid Vriska’s age out roaming the street with no guardian in sight, you’d probably be worried.

A major part of Cronus’s character is that he is a terrible person by choice, willingly, knowingly, and does not care. He is making a decision. Him being shitty and awful is a conscious choice he is making. He knows he is hurting people, and he knows what he is doing is terrible, and he does not care. Cronus knows that trying to bang children 6 years his junior is bad. He doesn’t care. He knows he is abusing Mituna, he calls it abuse, and he knows abuse is bad. He doesn’t care. He knows sex crimes are bad. He doesn’t care. He’s too entitled to care about anyone but himself and his own gratification.

Vriska is a 13 year old anti-hero who literally gets groomed and is shown to only be Like That because she is extremely traumatized and her experience of living on Alternia has made it so her guard is up 24/7. She literally cannot put the metaphorical swords down. She thinks it’s the only thing keeping her alive.

Cronus does not have an excuse.

That is, like… The Point.

The point is that he sucks and is irredeemable. He doesn’t have a single quality that makes standing around him worthwhile. He’s a relentless, unapologetic abuser. He just doesn’t care. He’s the most entitled man to ever live. He sees people as punching bags and sex toys, and any time this notion is rejected or faces even the slightest pushback, he freaks the fuck out about it.

And the point with Vriska is that she is complicated, and a child. A really, really traumatized, really, really scared child.

I don’t know, I think there’s a party here that is objectively worse.

… And - hear me out! - I think… I think it’s the adult sex predator… And not the child.

[sant-riley]

Okay yk what idc I got alot of thoughts of Puerto rican! Reader with the boys, I am not sorry, I need to get this out of my system. so I'm giving her the codename of Teddy :) sorry if that ruins the immersion!

General hcs/thoughts I have with the boys from mw2:

Ghost could destroy an entire pernil by himself. He actively looks forward to it every single Thanksgiving despite him literally not being American and thus doesn't celebrate it. "L.T, don't tell me you're going over to her house just for some pork." "Why yes Johnny, I am." He is not sharing with a single soul, he will break someone's fingers. (Teddy makes him his own at this point so the others can have a try)

Soap fucking chugs Coquito like it's nothing, bc technically it isn't compared to the stuff he has back home. At first he was apprehensive but now he usually goes home with a bottle. He will share but if he sees someone wasting it he will be pissed. It is hard as fuck to come by in Scotland if not the base.

Price very much enjoys the cleaning playist Teddy has, she told him how growing up that that was how her mom told her it was time to get her ass up and do chores. He finds himself playing it early in the morning while he does documents to wake himself up.

Everyone's favorite song round let's go

Soap's favorite - Suavemente

Ghost's favorite - Anhelo (totally not bc he danced with her to this one)

Price's favorite - Danza Kuduro

Gaz's favorite - La Vaca

Alejandro being surprised when he sees a short Hispanic woman with two big ass European men. "Tu con estos dos? de donde eres chiquita?"

Soap fucking pushes himself in and answers for her, a smug little smile from all the little Spanish he picked up. Ghost just rolls his eyes and tries to not groan. Soap being a showoff.

The solidarity between the Vaqueros and Teddy 🤝 different countries but there's alot to have in common.

Teddy cursing in Spanish at the top of her lungs and Alejandra and Rudy snorting. "You kiss your grandmother with that mouth?"

The boys have in fact danced with her when she's feeling homesick, each one. Soap and Gaz don't mind doing it in public where as Ghost and Price rather do it in their rooms/her room. Ghost and Price will say its good exercise but we all know the truth.

When fresh food is available, they'll ask her to make the food she eats off duty. It's different combinations of rice and beans, along with meat always.

Everyone fucking devours tostones btw. Literally they have to buy so many plantains to make sure everyone has their fill or there will in fact be a fight.

SHE MAKES THEM HELP MAKE PASTELES!! It's a whole assembly line. Christmas is a war zone in of itself trying to make the shits.

Ghost drinks Cafe bustelo straight out the machine. No one else can stand the stuff bc it's too strong.

When sofrito has to be made, everyone makes Soap cut the onions lmfao, the worst part of the entire process.

Everyone starts to saying spanglish around base, Gaz switching from English to accented Spanish is a interesting sight 😭 Teddy mocks him as if she isn't to blame.

THE WAY GHOST SAYS NUEVO IN RESPONSE TO LEAVING ALEJANDRO AND HE GETS FLAMED FOR IT BC THATS NOT HOW YOU SAY OF COURSE.

"Really? Nuevo? Do you know what that means?" "Oh for fucks sakes."

Okay I'm tired and my fingers hurt from typing all of this lol I'll add more probably at some point!

If you'd like to be tagged in future works, please comment under my rules that are pinned to my blog!

[xsweetcatastrophe]

You Broke Me First

Part 26

18+ minors DNI

Author's note: I'm messing with his filming schedule. I know it's not accurate, I know there's years before these projects, I know there's stuff in between projects... but not in my world. so as john mulaney once said: get outta here with your facts.

Also, i'm aware this is short, this was originally going to be longer but I'm splitting it up.

xo

"I can't believe you don't like the ginger," Cillian said, taking his chopsticks and plucking the ginger off of Zoe's take-out container.

They were back at her apartment, changed into comfy clothes with sushi on the coffee table. The TV was on, serving just as background noise. Cillian and Zoe continued to talk about the new house, new furniture, estimated moving dates for Cillian and how ridiculous the home buying process is. Scout was sitting next to Zoe's legs, staring intently, hoping she would drop some food for him.

"I just can't wait for it to all be done, ya know? I hate living in between places and out of boxes... I just want to feel settled," Cillian said,after taking a sip of his wine.

"Hey! I'm offended," Zoe shot back. "My place isn't that bad."

Cillian put his hand on her knee and squeezed. "That's not what I mean and you know it, I'll live anywhere as long as you're there," He replied, giving her a kiss.

"Yea, yea, yea." Zoe said, taking another bite of her sushi. "What's on the agenda for tomorrow?"

Cillian sighed and sat back against the couch cushions. He took out his phone and pulled up his calendar. "A whole bunch of shit. I have to to finalize when I'm flying out to film season 6 of Peaky, I have some fittings tomorrow for it, but we fly out... I don't know.. I don't want to think about it," Cillian said, rubbing his face with his hand.

"Me neither," Zoe said, quietly.

They both were aware these shoots last anywhere from 2-3 months. They both were also aware he would be filming this in another country, while Zoe would be here. They both wanted to ignore it, maybe in hopes the problem would go away, somehow.

Another thing Zoe was ignoring, was how fast this entire "relationship" was going. She feels like it was just yesterday she was arguing with him in a bar over spiked seltzers, and now they survived a PR relationship and possibly moving in together? He never officially "asked" her to be his girlfriend. God, do people even do that anymore? It's been so long since Zoe was in a real relationship. Maybe because they're older? Is this how fast everyone moves when they're in their 30's?

"Then let's not think about it," Cillian said, leaning forward and putting his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him.He kissed the top of her head as she sighed against him. Zoe leaned awkwardly against him, while her mind continue to race.

Fuck it, she thought. He has to leave, I'm not going to waste the couple days left I have with him dwelling on the days he won't be here.

Zoe spun her head and caught Cillian's lips by surprise. He was even more surprised when she deepened the kiss, taking her leg and swinging it over him, now straddling him.

"Woah," Cillian said, and Zoe cut him off with another kiss before he could say anything else, holding his face in her hands and grinding down her hips into his.

His hands flew to her hips, keeping her pressed tight against him, rocking her back and forth. They pulled away, Cillian panting. "I'm not sure what just happened but.. I like it," He said, hands still guiding her hips.

"Then stop talking," Zoe whispered, going in for another kiss.

Cillian stopped her with his hand on her jaw, staring at her intently. The blues in his eyes were gone, eyes dilated, staring her down intensely.

"What am I gonna do with you?" He said just above a whisper, his thumb trailing over her lips.

"I can think of a couple things," Zoe said, taking it upon herself to take his thumb in her mouth and sucking.

Cillian sucked in his breath, feeling her suck his tongue without breaking eye contact.

Zoe released his thumb with a pop, and raised her arms and hoped Cillian would take the hint. He did; he grabbed the hem of her baggy band t-shirt she wore and lifted it up over her head, throwing it to the side, leaving her in just her panties. Cillian immediately raised his knees so she would slide forward into his lap, grabbing her breasts and starting to kiss them while massaging them. Zoe arched her back into him, leaning her head back and beginning to grind her hips against him again searching for any sort of friction for the aching between her legs.

A moan escaped her mouth as he pinched her one nipple and sucked the other.

"That's it, let me hear you," Cillian mumbled against her, refusing to leave his spot on her chest. He was rock hard, and she was rubbing herself against him with just the right amount of pressure.

Cillian finally kissed up her chest, neck, jaw, finally landing back on her lips, hand flying to her hair to keep her in place while he kissed her.

"Too many clothes," She mumbled against him, shimmying herself out of his grip and off his lap to pull at the waistband of his sweatpants. After bringing them down along with his boxers to his ankles, she kneeled in front of him while remained sat on the couch.

"No," Cillian said, grabbing her elbow and pulling her into his lap. "I want to be inside you now."

Zoe smiled, standing up and resuming her position on the couch hovering on top of him. She stood up on her knees while she lined him up as he pulled her panties to the side. She slowly sunk down on him, sounds of each of them sucking in their breath filled the room along with breathy moans. Once the back of her thighs met his lap, signaling he was fully inside of her, she released a breath she didn't know she was holding. Cillian's hands found her hips, squeezing them but not moving them; he was letting her control when she began to move.

she began rocking back and forth slowly, feeling every ridge of his cock inside her. She had her hands braced on his shoulders for support as she moved her hips faster.

"So good," She moaned.

"You feel amazing," Cillian said, hands moving from her hips to her ass, supporting her rocking on his dick.

She began to move up and down, bouncing on him with his hands back on her hips guiding her.

Cillian now began to thrust up into her, meeting her as she came down on him. A loud moan escaped from Zoe, squeezing her eyes shut and biting her lip.

"That's it baby, take what you need," Cillian growled, squeezing her hips harder and thrusting harder into her. "Fuck, I can feel you squeezing around me, you like it when I talk to you like this?"

"Yes," Zoe moaned back. She was already so close to coming undone. "Please don't stop"

"I'm not gonna stop until I feel you cum around me," Cillian responded.

"You make me cum so fast," Zoe moaned, "I'm already close."

Cillian leaned back onto the couch, watching her. "You look so pretty riding me. I love watching you like this, God you're fucking perfect, you're perfect for me."

Zoe looked down to meet his gaze. Something about him staring up at her in awe, lips swollen from kissing, eyes dilated and mouth slightly parted, only turned on Zoe more.

"Fuck," Zoe moaned, bouncing faster on him. Her legs were on fire, but she didn't care. She was chasing her high, a high that Cillian could only make her see so quickly. No man has ever made her come undone as fast as he did, she was completely at his mercy.

Cillian sat back up again, "I need you to cum, Zoe," He said, kissing her. "I'm close, I need you to cum first"

"I'm so close, Cill, So close," Zoe moaned into his mouth. Cillian took his hand from her hip and trailed it down to her clit, rubbing small circles.

"Fuck!" Zoe yelled, reaching her orgasm and feeling the world crash around her.

"That's it, good girl," Cillian responded. She became limp in his lap, but he was quick to flip her over and lay her on her back on the couch, now on top of her. He continued to fuck her, now chasing his high.

"Fuck... fuck" He said, squeezing his eyes shut and finally stilling in her.

Zoe was still trying to catch her breath when Cillian lifted his head from the crook of her neck. They were covered in sweat, hair plastered to their foreheads, out of breath and tired. He leaned his forehead against hers, and sighed. Zoe took his cheek in his hand and rubbed small circles on his cheek with her thumb.

"I can't get enough of you," Cillian whispered. "You're so beautiful baby."

Zoe smiled. She didn't want this moment to end. She felt wanted, she felt desired. She felt.... loved.

"I....," She began, testing the waters. All or nothing, she thought.

Suddenly, a whine interrupted her and they both looked up to the cause of the noise.

Scout, in the corner of the room, was staring at them, probably wondering if it was now safe to come back to the couch.

"Scout, forget everything you just saw," Cillian said, sitting up and grabbing his sweatpants. Scout jumped up and darted to the front door, looking back at Cillian.

"I should take him out, come on lets go boy," He said, grabbing a hoodie and pending down to plant a kiss on Zoe's lips. "I'll meet you in bed, yeah?" He said, walking towards the door and grabbing Scout's leash. He quickly left, shutting the door behind him.

Zoe was left on the couch, partly naked, exhausted, and sweaty. She should get up and shower, she should get to bed, she should throw out the take-out containers left on the coffee table.

But she didn't.

Instead, she whispered out loud, soft enough so only she could hear:

"I love you."

tags: @lau219 @borntodiemp3 @cillianmurphyvevo @shopgirl6us

[koinotame]

speaking of that horror protag hero au fic... it will forever remain in my brain. if i was better at writing and at not leaving everything i do a wip i’d absolutely make a p2 of that. and also of everything else you've ever made with her but anyways

ps could i be 🌌 anon ? maybe ?

the hero au fic with her my beloved.... definitely one of the fics i want to go back and edit and post. idk about a part two but i wouldn't mind writing more for the au in general 👁️

i like the way i ended it but in terms of what happened afterwards she probably took you to her house to patch you up. she probably lives uncomfortable close to your home (this is not a coincidence). from there she could've pretended some actual villain came in and killed the heroes instead of her and tried to frame it as you being innocent or wrongly accused, or just owned up to the murders and gone on the run with you. she's not one of the top heroes of the country for nothing though so you wind up keeping her because she is useful despite *gestures* everything about her

and just for you. here's a scrapped & unfinished draft scene i have saved for the original fic (unedited), starting roughly where you get [attacked] by the two heroes looking to arrest you:

"any last words?"

and even though you can’t hear anything properly over the sound in your ears, you gather just enough strength to prop yourself up on your arms shakily and spit onto the guy’s shoes.

you think you hear a scoff before someone (the other guy, maybe) kicks your stomach.

it’s not just your senses that’re starting to slip at this point; your consciousness is close to joining.

there’s some commotion coming from the entry to the alley, you think, but it’s impossible to see anything, let alone focus on it. you slip into sleep quickly.

it’s bright when you open your eyes.

well, bright for someone who was just asleep. it’s not actually too bright, just a decently lit room during the early evening just before sunset.

the second thing you notice is that your whole body fucking hurts. the back of your head pulsates painfully, especially when you move your head, and your stomach feels incredibly sore. other than that, though, you’re feeling much too comfortable to be in a prison cell.

a quick look around the room confirms your thoughts. yeah, whatever this place is, it’s not a prison cell. you don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

the decor reminds you of something you’ve might’ve chosen when you were younger. it makes you strangely nostalgic, and it makes you want to go back to sleep and pretend this is just some weird, bad dream and that everything will be okay again when you wake up.

unfortunately, your splitting headache prevents you from doing that.

the door opening gives you a sense of deja vu.

her gasps are always so dainty, as if they’re practiced to perfect to seem cute and ladylike. this one, though, feels more genuine, as if seeing you awake is genuinely good news to her.

she doesn’t close the door this time, instead closing the distance to you and helping you sit up.

"how many fingers am I holding up?" she wastes no time in shoving a hand in your face, only retracting it when you cringe and try to push your head away.

"four," you answer anyway, voice croaky. she seems visibly relieved, offering you a glass of water and a pill.

"ibuprofen," she says quickly when you look at it skeptically. "but I can get you a new, unopened one if that would make you feel better…?"

you take it anyway. to her credit, it tastes exactly like the type you usually buy. you have no clue if this is coincidence or not, given that you seem to be in her private bedroom, and you frankly don’t want to know.

she watches you intensely as you drink the entire glass, then sits down on the floor and leans against the bed, leaving only her folded arms and head on it.

you’re pretty sure she takes a big sniff after practically burying her head into your lap.

her hand reaches up to yours and intertwines them soon enough. she lets out a content sigh, eyes still staring intently at you.

"[name]," your name leaves her lips like a content sigh. you immediately stiffen. "who did this to you?"

"how do you know my name."

she giggles, the noise sounding much more sinister this time around. "you’re so cute… I’d always wanted to be your hero, to be the one you’d depend on. but…." a lovesick smile spreads on her face as alarm bells ring in your head. "then you became a vigilante."

her thumb rubs circles into your hand.

"seeing you kick around creeps made me realise I wanted you to kick me around. it almost made me jealous, seeing you hurt everyone else but me."

[necer0s]

More personal shit under the cut

I’m so fucking pissed right now. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that at least part of my vacation should be spent relaxing, right? At minimum, one full day should have been free. But because my family has delusions of living out some city-person-ass farmer fantasy, instead I spend the entire week driving up the country for eight hours, boiling down maple sap into syrup, fixing up a shitty chicken coop, hauling heavy shit around, tossing cover crop into muddy fields during pouring rain, doing dishes that no one else can seem to be assed to do, and then drive eight more hours back home just in time to go back to my actual job. And on top of all that, I’m supposed to pretend like I’m excited for the most shitty half-assed birthday party imaginable where I get handed book 3 of a series that I’ve never heard of in my life. I am literally going to burn that book. No joke, I am going to put it with all the brush in my backyard that I could have been getting rid of if I didn’t have to put up with my family’s bullshit, And I am going to burn it. I have never burned a book before in my life and normally I would find the concept appalling, but right now it sounds like the only reasonable form of catharsis available to me. Because I can’t scream at them, I can’t shout at them, because then I’m the one who’s overreacting! I’m already the one who “didn’t get my nap today” and obviously that’s the only reason why I’m so cranky, it’s not at all because I’m in actual physical pain from lugging around too-heavy bags of seed or because the one thing I actually wanted to do with my family (play a single fucking game of Illimat) never happened. No. Obviously I’m cranky because I didn’t get my nap. As though I didn’t try, because I know better than any of these assholes just how screwed over I’m going to be when I have to adjust back from days to the night shift. As if I’m not the one who was told the wrong days to take off so that I spent ten days working in a row for no reason, and now I’m getting screwed on the other end as well. It’s infuriating. And all of it, all of it, has to stay inside or only come out in tiny little joking complaints. Because anything else would be too much and would become a whole thing where everyone else gets to tell me that they’ve had it worse, actually, and really they worked much harder than I did, and blah blah blah blah blah. As if I weren’t the only one who doesn’t actually give a shit about this nonsense farm vacation house. I’d be perfectly content taking my every vacation from here till forever as a staycation, but no. The family wants to raise and slaughter chickens, and make their own maple syrup, and have a tiny orchard of fruit trees, even if all of those cost more in supplies alone— not even the time and labor— than would be spent on just buying those products at a grocery store. And so here I am. Lying in bed, waiting to go home so I can go back to work with barely a day of rest, stewing and venting on the internet because nowhere else is available. Fuck. Fuck this, fuck them, fuck it all.

[callunavulgari]

Year In Life | 2023

Or that annual New Year’s meme where I talk about what the year was like to live through. 2023 features: a wedding (!!!), four (??) different trips (including the ridiculous two week long honeymoon in the PNW), and the death of a loved one.

1. What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before? Took a trip to DC to see Joe Hisaishi live! Saw the natural history museum! Visited the PNW and saw: Mt Rainier, the redwoods, the most northwestern point of the US, Seattle, the Hoh rainforest including the Hall of Mosses, Lake Crescent, Forks, Crater Lake, Portland, the remnants of wildfires, a little place called Wild Pear with the best butternut squash soup I've had in my entire life, another little place that I can't remember the name of but had a sherpa stew that will warm my soul until death, and San Francisco! Saw the ghoul boys for Ghost Files Live! Went back to Vegas and saw U2 in the sphere! Planned a wedding! Had a bachelorette weekend! Oh, and yeah, GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? My resolution for 2023 was to be HAPPY. And you know what? I fucking was. Other than the INTENSE anxiety of planning the wedding, 2023 treated me gently. My wedding day was singlehandedly the most blissful day of my entire life. I thought it was going to be a shit show, but goddamn if it wasn't perfect. So YES, I kept my new years resolution. And yes, I will make more for next year.

Resolutions for 2024 - Be happy and healthy. Eat good food. Doordash less, cook more. Exercise. Go on daily walks, even if they're short. Get dressed (almost) every day. Brush your teeth. Write 50k of sad ghost girl (or another original idea). Attend a pottery class. Also, cough, buy a house?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I don't think so? A couple facebook friends. One of my bridesmaids is due next year though.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandmother passed this year on the last day of our honeymoon. I got the news on a beach in San Francisco. My dad texted me a time of death. I was fine emotionally for the most part at first, she's had dementia for seven years and I'd said my goodbyes the last time that we visited. I was fine. FINE. And then Nick, thirteen days my husband, twelve years my partner, tentatively asked if I wanted to buy some flowers and toss them in the bay.

I cried. Not hard. But it broke something loose, something that saw the beauty of that place- waves lapping against the shores, the golden gate bridge looming in the distance, two little boys making sandcastles while a guy with a saxophone played for tourists closer to the street. I wanted to scream. As loudly as I could. Just to see if it would make a difference. I didn't. I wept quietly, shielded by my sunglasses, Nick holding my hand next to me and stared out at a bay that she'd never seen before, that she never would.

And then I shook my shoulders out and we went to go meet up for the sunset sail on the bay, which I'd booked since it was our last night. Something special. I didn't want to miss it, not on our last night. It was pretty, but bitterly cold because fog moved in when we neared Alcatraz and just wouldn't quit. The sunset was lovely. I was queasy from the rocking of the sailboat. I couldn't stop thinking about her.

I didn't cry again, not at the funeral, not at the small celebration of life afterwards. It hurts in a different way, I think, mourning the death of someone who has been lost to you for so many years while their body lingers on. I looked back at old facebook posts from when she was still her, when she wrote letters on my wall because she didn't understand how messenger worked. She was the third of four sisters, all gone before her. She used to have so many friends and so few people showed to the funeral. It would have made her sad to see, I think.

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? No countries. We nearly booked our honeymoon to Portugal, but turns out weddings are expensive and I managed to do two weeks in the PNW for half the cost. I will say though that I have wanted to visit the west coast for years, so I am incredibly glad that we went. My favorite of all of the places that we went is a tie between Mt Rainier and Crater Lake. One- the pull of a mountain is legit. I grew up with the Appalachians, but goddamn, it doesn't prepare you for the sight of something Like Mt Rainier. Two- nobody effing told me that Crater Lake was THAT blue. The water, brilliant blue. The sky, brilliant blue. The air, crisp. The rest of it, PACKED with chipmunks. It was amazing. The whole trip was, but damn.

Some highlights-

6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023? My answer to this last year was a husband. And like, CHECKMARK there. For 2024, and I know that this is dreaming big, but we are going to try - TRY - to buy a house this year. We will have to see how that goes.

7. What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 26th 2023. ❤️ 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I married my best friend. And I also survived the wedding planning process, christ. I mean don't get me wrong, the day was great, it was beautiful, wouldn't change it for the world. But sometimes I think that I should have saved myself the stress and eloped somewhere.

9. What was your biggest failure? Eh, I mean I didn't lose the weight that I wanted for the wedding, but I'm not going to hold that against me. I bought a dress that I felt pretty in with the size I was at rather than the one I wanted to be and I do not regret that. I did a lot of weightlifting and I'm strong enough to do squats with Nick on my back, so that's progress enough for now. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? We got covid again coming back from our honeymoon, which was less than ideal. Mask up in the giant metal tubes, friends.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I'm honestly blanking on this right now. We bought a ton of stuff for the wedding, so... that? I got some neat stuff at farmers markets. I treated myself to good headphones and a proper stand for my computer. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Honestly? Nick's mom. We had a falling out years and years ago and while we've had a steady truce going since about 2016-2017 or so, I always feel like we're on thin ice. She's a bit of a narcissist, she holds grudges, and honestly, I'm pretty sure that she'd despise anyone that Nick or his brother ended up with. She does not like other women.

But. She behaved herself for the wedding. There were a couple small things- she almost made our bartenders cry because they mixed up our drink packages (they fixed it, it wasn't a big deal, we had NA drinks leftover from the rehearsal the night before and they went to get more) and her dress was a pale enough pink that it showed up in all of the pictures as white, but you know what? It's a win. She seemed genuinely happy during the wedding. She didn't start shit or make a fool of herself. It was just nice.

Who knows what the future has in store on this front, but for now? I'm taking it as a win and moving on. 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? So, my mother, stepfather, and both of my brothers didn't show up to the wedding. It... wasn't exactly unexpected and when it comes down to it both my sister and I were relieved that my mom wasn't there. If she had been I guarantee the day wouldn't have gone as smoothly as it did.

But I was upset that my brothers couldn't be there. They had legitimate reasons, but it still hurt. So not appalled so much, but definitely sad.

14. Where did most of your money go? Ha. Ha ha ha. Weddings are fucking expensive. We set a budget that would have been completely and totally reasonable if we'd had the wedding prior to 2020. And then we got to actually do the research and realized that our budget was laughably impossible. We had help from Nick's mom and his grandparents, but goddamn, every time I think of how much money was sunk into one day I want to vomit. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The WEDDING. The HONEYMOON. Mt Rainier! Crater Lake! The redwoods! And then, y'know, on a smaller scale: seeing Joe Hisaishi in concert, seeing the Beatles show in Vegas again, getting to do a spooky little autumn drive to see the ghoul boys live. Books. I got a whimsical little tattoo with a flying whale and a castle in the sky.

16. What song will always remind you of 2023? Stand By Me. Paradise Valley. Hello Stranger. Glasgow Love Theme. The Spiritfarer soundtrack. A million Miley Cyrus (?) songs. Eat Your Young. Green Green Grass.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Happier. So much happier. ii. thinner or fatter? Same size, I think? More muscle, but the scale is the same. iii. richer or poorer? Uh, probably either poorer or around the same. We've recovered a bit from the wedding, but it's been rough. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I genuinely do wish that I'd taken better care of myself. My blood pressure has been up, I've been having more heart palpitations, more brain fog, more headaches. And I mean, I did weight lifting, great. But I do genuinely need to eat better. I need to lose weight not because I hate how I look, but because I have sleep apnea and can't tolerate the CPAP, which means that if I don't lose weight or get my tonsils removed my blood pressure will continue to spike until I die. So. Weight loss IS a legitimate goal this year, because it is necessary.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being an anxious mess about the wedding? I mean that's easy to say now that it's in the rearview, but the ABSURD spikes of adrenaline that I would get just from thinking about the day could NOT have been healthy.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? For Christmas Eve, we honestly just kind of lounged around. We watched a movie. Made the most mouthwatering slow-cooked beef tenderloin that I splurged on from the local butcher. Opened our one present and proceeded to not read them OR make hot chocolate.

For Christmas Day, we opened our gifts, opened the cat's gifts, then went and had Christmas at Nick's aunt's house. Other than his cousin getting engaged to someone that the entire family hates, it went well. 21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? We spent it inside. I made a pasta bake while Nick made the pirozki. Unfortunately, I didn't take enough lactaid to counteract the sheer amount of cheese in the pasta so I spent the hours leading up to midnight feeling NOT well, and then we drank sparkling water out of some fancy glasses instead of the wine I bought. 22. Did you fall in love in 2023? Okay, so it sounds trite, but yes? I mean, obviously I've been in love with him since 2012. But I don't know. It's different? I feel more at peace with it. Yes, I love him, but he picked me. We picked each other forever and then swore it in front of all of our favorite people. I didn't expect it to feel much different, and I mean, it's still mostly the same. We sleep in the same bed, we eat the same food, we love the same cats, we kiss each other, we make stupid fart jokes. But it's different. At least a little bit. 23. Best month for you this year? End of August/early September was amazing, mostly because of the trip (and the wedding). <This was my answer last year and the year before, but it still holds true, for obvious reasons.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2022? All right, so, favorites in (mostly) chronological order: Owl House season 3, Lockwood and Co, The Last of Us, Russian Doll season 2, Shadow and Bone season 2, Extraordinary Attorney Woo, Vox Machina season 2, The Diplomat, Queer Eye, Wheel of Time season 2, Interview with the Vampire, Fionna and Cake, The Fall of the House of Usher, Scavengers Reign, Loki season 2, Castlevania: Noctourne, Yu Yu Hakusho live action, One Piece live action, Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

Of those, over all my favorite was Loki, hands down. The ENDING was just some of the best cinema I've seen at Marvel in YEARS. The score! UGH, it was perfection. Owl House season 3 was a close second.

Of just 2023, though? Probably Fionna and Cake. We honestly loved it so much. I think I ended up liking it more than I ever did Adventure Time.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No hate! Well, at least no one that I know. At this point every active politician could get struck down by lightning and I would mourn very few of them.

26. What was the best book you read? Ugh, there were so many bangers this year. Honestly probably a tie between Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and Tress and the Emerald Sea.

Honorable mentions: Starling House, A Power Unbound, A Day of Fallen Night, and Thistlefoot.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hozier's new album has been a big part of my top 50. Oh, Epic the Musical has been an effing joy!

28. What did you want and got? A husband? Yeah, I'm gonna go with that. A husband. It's still weird to say.

29. What did you want but didn’t get? Ummmmmmmm, it's hard to say a honeymoon in Portugal because I am over the moon and not unappreciative of what we did do. But. I do REALLY wish that I'd gotten to see Portugal.

And on a more somber note, before we realized that my grandma was getting too bad to attend the wedding, I'd planned a dance with her. She always used to sing My Heart Will Go On to me when I was little, and I just, really wanted to have that. Instead, I played it for her the day that I said my goodbyes and showed her a picture of my dress. It was hard, but it was enough.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I rewatched Lord of the Rings approximately a million times this year. Honestly most of the movies I DID watch were rewatches in some way or another. I loved Across the Spiderverse, the new Persuasion movie, and Nimona. Oh, and I watched Suzume in April and the Boy and the Heron for my birthday. All of those were amazing. Absolute top favorite was probably Suzume. Nimona is VERY close though. Same with Across the Spiderverse.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 34 this year! Which is great because I've had this whole weird thing where I was convinced that I would die at 33 since I was around 7 years old, so turning 34 was very nice. I did splurge a bit this year. We went to the Yuletide Village on Friday, which is basically the grounds for the Renaissance Festival done up in Christmas lights. I got to see Krampus! And Mari Lwyd! And drink hot cocoa! And buy a REALLY cool coat.

And then as if all that wasn't enough, on my actual birthday we booked a room at the bed and breakfast that our wedding was held at because they're selling it soon. We had good cheese and wine, got to revisit the pine chapel and dance all alone to our first dance song, then had dinner and walked around a lit up Granville. And then went back to our room at the B&B and did CENSORED things in my wedding dress (look, we were too tired that night and I had a fractured foot, it was a crazy day - leave me alone) and Nick surprised me with a birthday cake from the baker that we got our wedding cake from. It was nice. The breakfast the next morning was amazing.

And then we went to see The Boy and the Heron and had a relaxing Sunday. So you know, not a big deal at all. Definitely a far cry from last year where I, oh yes, covered for a coworker and then had to go to a company party at a restaurant that I hate.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Hm. Still Mal. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023? Hahaha, my hybrid job turned into a completely remote job. Which is great in theory, but means that I spent most of 2023 in my pajamas without a bra. When I WASN'T in my pajamas, I tended towards jeans and t-shirts/sweaters. One of our friends got married in July though and I got to wear the COOLEST dress. 34. What kept you sane? Nick, usually. Rigby has been a huge help too. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It was a good year for Hozier, imo. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? I have had “fuck Donald Trump” as the answer to this question since 2015. And for the first time in half a decade… it’s not him. It’s all the problems he left behind. So I guess it is still at least a LITTLE bit “FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 20156789 2023″

Actual answer to this question though - Gaza. Ukraine. And to a lesser extent- all of the bullshit corporate stooges trying to use AI to replace real workers. Also getting legitimately nervous about next year. Though Ohio DID turn out and voted to: not let the republicans fuck with majority rules, protect abortion rights, and legalized recreational marijuana. So, small wins, I guess.

37. Who did you miss? Mal. My brothers. My grandma. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I met this REALLY cool chick at the place I get my hair done. We bonded over her playing Zelda lofi in the hairwashing room and geeked out over Tears of the Kingdom. She's so freaking cool and I want to be her friend.

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: Other than her... I don't think I made any?

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year: Technically from January 1st 2023 because I'm 90% sure that it was taken after midnight. We went to an INSANE warehouse party to ring in the New Year last year and were out much later than I wanted to be.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year From December 15th - which is apparently just the day that I get my hair done now. Since the wedding is over I finally committed to coloring my hair for the first time since 2020. It was long overdue and am excited to cut it short in the spring, but I actually think this is the first haircut where I miss the long hair?

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Oh my GOD, that sherpa stew. We obviously had a lot of good food on our trip. Piroshky Piroshky was my favorite highlight from Pike's Place and then there was a restaurant in Salem, Oregon that had the BEST butternut squash soup and pulled pork that I have ever had. It was amazing. I would go back to Oregon for this soup alone.

But that sherpa stew. It cups my heart in its soupy little fist.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? Honestly, there were a lot of great moments this year. Obviously the wedding was the highlight, but the rest of it was pretty great too. The night of the Joe Hisaishi concert it stormed as the concert was finishing and since the venue was mostly outdoors, everyone got soaked. It was magical. The honeymoon highlights - the breathtaking awe of Mt Rainier, the beauty of the golden rays of the setting sun in the Hall of Mosses, the SIZE and GRANDNESS of Crater Lake. The drive up to Michigan to see Ghost Files live, how the drive there was this perfect little time capsule of autumn in the midwest, stormclouds on the horizon and corn fields all around us. The day after, when we stopped into Ann Arbor to visit the cherry store that's only in Michigan, how I found the BEST possible boots at a little store. How we found another amazing little independent book store just down the street. The way Nick's mom looked after the Cirque du Soleil Beatles show, where she turned to me and said that it was her best birthday ever. Dancing alone in the pavilion where we had our reception, crooning the song to each other in the dark while the lights from the pine chapel twinkled warmly at us from 20 feet away, beckoning.

And the wedding. Obviously the wedding.

The night before, where we had a private little ceremony at the stroke of midnight, there in the dark, nightsong all around us. Just us, our officiant, his brother, and my sister and her husband. My hair was damp and frizzy from the heat, from the helter skelter of the rehearsal earlier. He was in a t-shirt and slacks that were almost highwaters. But we read our vows to each other, sealed it with a kiss.

August 26th, 12:02am. A secret, just for us. Our siblings sworn to secrecy.

And then the next day, the note that was slipped under our door from our dear friend who officiated the wedding (both public and private), written on a torn bit of notebook paper: "May today be the first chaotic day of joy in a shared life full of chaotic joy." The breakfast: dutch baby with caramelized apples, sausage links, orange juice, earl grey. Watching Annie put together bouquets at the coffee table next to the kitchen. Going to work, putting tables together. Called back to the house, hair and makeup. Granola bars one and two. My girls singing Chapel of Love to me in the bridal suite, the swell of emotion in my heart - these are my people, they love me, they're so happy. First look, Nick's eyes, his smile. So familiar, that first almost wary glint, scared to look, scared he'll mess it up in front of the photographers, the way he smiled when he saw me, wide and real, almost a laugh, then the way it curled, lopsided, a bashful tilt to his mouth as he said my name. A hug. A moment of peace before the storm. A preying mantis on the porch railing, bumblebees buzzing around my skirt. Will I remember them in twenty years? In thirty?

Fast, fast, everything goes so fast afterwards. Separate. First look with dad, with girls, line up for the walk down the aisle, careful of the puddle. Listen for One Summers Day - they didn't get the song right and are playing the orchestral version instead of the piano. Instead of soft and sweet, there's brass in the pines, french horns ushering us to our spots. Wait wait, start walking - wedding party first. My dad is nervous next to me, he keeps fidgeting. Girls and groomsmen gone, glasgow love theme starts. I'm practically dragging my dad down the aisle. Annie warned me that everyone would stand, but it still catches me by surprise. Look up, bouquet tilted just so, don't trip on the roots. I don't even look at our guests, I don't check to see if my side looks lopsided without my family there, my eyes are on him, on Annie. My heart - I feel.

Ceremony goes fast. Seth reads Pablo Neruda. Tanya reads Neil Gaiman. My eyes are wet, I blink the tears back. Handfasting cords tied loosely, begin to get anxious about how I'm going to put the ring on with my hand tied, but Annie's already removing them. I put the ring on the wrong hand, a hot flash of shame gone in seconds, kiss kiss kiss- time for bubbles, walk.

Pictures. So many pictures. Go to bustle dress, granola bar 3. I choke on it. Back to the reception, big entrance. Too queasy to eat much, I picked at the bread, at the salad, at the chicken. Drank a ginger ale, left my martini untouched. Cake cutting, burst of sugar on the tongue, still queasy. Dancing soon - will I get it wrong? First dance- spun me a little too hard, but we laughed. I didn't feel the eyes on us. I fixed his glasses when they slipped down his nose, everyone laughed. Father-daughter dance, was it a mistake? Should have practiced, should have figured out how dads and daughters dance. Swayed. He kept me talking. Kept my mind off my nerves. Looking back on the wedding footage, everyone was crying. Mother-son dance, more tears. The sheer emotional whiplash of going from Baby Mine to Click Click Boom - but it's what his mom wanted, wanted to have the wedding party do the bernie. Cringy, but fine, we'll do it.

Group selfie on the dance floor, first couples dance dedicated to his grandparents - their anniversary was two days previous, so I found out what their song was and had the DJ play it for them. His grandpa cried. His grandma cried. I cried. The photographer cried. Next slow song, it's the song one of our groomsmen got married to - his wife already left, more tears because he's alone at the head table. Pulled away, golden hour photos. A dream. Beautiful. So queasy. Go back to the house to pee, almost vomit into the toilet, nearly black out. More photos. A moment of peace in the pines - they rickrolled everyone without me.

Dancing, how did I dance so much? Photographers leave. They're playing all my favorites now that we're back, too much dancing, need to sit down. Forgot about the bouquet toss, need to do it while I have the energy. So many people have left - make it gender neutral, get people up there. Whoever wants a bouquet. My best friend catches the bouquet. I hurl myself at her and almost take us to the ground. More dancing - where is Nick? Smoking cigars with his brother. More dancing. Someone gives me a martini, but I can only drink a few sips. So tired, my foot hurts, but another two hours to go.

We sing - Bohemian Rhapsody, Take On Me, The Time of My Life. Should we be embarrassed? Too happy. Sit, talk, make the rounds. More dancing.

Winding down. It's time, last two dances. Piano Man, the DJ makes everyone get in a ring around us, it's embarrassing, but god I'm so happy. Last dance, just us. Paradise Valley, crooning quietly to each other in the dark. Tears on my cheeks. On his. A kiss, no one can see, this one is just us.

Goodbyes, see you laters, can't find my phone, someone took it, need to find the phone, need to sit, need to get out of this stupid dress, my foot hurts. Bridesmaids taking charge, have things torn down and presentable in thirty minutes flat. More goodbyes, limp across the field with a groomsmen, still can't find my phone. Find my phone, take off the jewelry, get close to crying. Someone helps me upstairs? Or maybe I did it myself. Realize I can't get the dress off on my own. Think about crying. Foot hurts, why does it hurt so much? Officiant finds me, helps me take off my shoes. Unbuttons my dress for me, leaves it half on so she can figure out what's wrong with my foot. Oh, almost go into shock, oh, it's fractured. Go to the doctor? Honeymoon is in two days. She massages my aching shoulders, my feet. It's embarrassing, but she's an OT, she doesn't want me in pain.

Nick finds us, tired and drooping, but happy. Annie leaves. Sleep now? Yes, sleep. Hurting and more exhausted than we've ever been, but fuck, so happy. Such a good day. We did good.

44. What are you excited for next year? I am incredibly excited to no longer be planning a wedding. May buy a house. May go on a vacation. May quit my job. We'll see.

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023: My valuable life lesson in the year of 2020 was: Life sucks. Keep your head on straight. Mourn your dead and love your living like you’ll never see them again. Live life like you could die tomorrow. And don’t take the little things for granted.

And you know what, I’m going to keep that. I think it’s a good reminder.

46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: puff out your chest, take a deep breath you're gonna be okay if it's loud in your mind, just take your time you're gonna be okay - You're Gonna Be Okay, Ashh Blackwood

2018 me apparently quoted Singing in the Rain. 2019 quoted something sad and pretentious. 2020 me quoted This Year, because she was a dramatic bitch and hurting. 2021 me quoted an assurance that I wasn’t broken. 2022 me was tired and sad and just wanted to feel human again.

2023 me was a weird mess of anxiety, but mostly happy. The anxiety was a bitch, will always be a bitch. But this song kept me going.

[byunbaekhyunie]

i too had a weird feeling about this from the start. with beauty/fashion endorsements they want you to buy their product and that's that. but a bank? you and your money or lack thereof is the product. he shouldn't have agreed to the fanmeeting. :/

I know what you mean but it’s never just abt the product. any kind of endorsements picked by the agency reflects directly onto the artist because by definition, they become the face for said product/service

since it was just fashion month, I’ve been grumbling abt how absurd it is that only jongin and sehun are ambassadors for fashion houses out of the 8 of them when they are the top grossing group in the country, I mean Hugo Boss is not the worse junmyeon could do . But it’s definitely not the best. they should all have strong relationships with big brands by now. it’s a basic part of marketing and raising their public profile, and it really boggles my brain that #1 rapacious company in industry SM entertainment hasn’t made any moves to build up exo’s desirability since 2016 or smth

but to get back to how endorsements of any kind impact their image. the Scarlett deal for example, I was surprised not to see more ppl talk abt it, and btw the shinee situation that just happens makes it even funnier cause SM is so quick to virtue signal by having half baked apologies for key and taemin’s colorist remarks pumped out within a day ; but they’ll have the exos become ambassadors for a beauty brand that sells skin whitening products which ? perpetuates colorism and is just as harmful. good job on that one, truly

and for this allobank bullshit….. of course baekhyun is not involved in the event organisation, but obviously fans are getting upset and ultimately it reflects bad onto him because he’s part of the thing, he agreed to it. this is why you don’t just take up any offer and are supposed to have ppl in your agency who do their do diligence but god knows that does exist over at assSMell entertainment. I’ve already said this but baekhyun should’ve had the sense to decline this entire partnership himself :/

it’s so obvious anyway that the second he got back, all these assholes jumped at the first opportunity to make some quick bucks off of the boys. I mean two Indonesian brands and a Filipino one, the fancons and concerts in south east asia… they’re so fucking transparent like you’re telling me that getting individual brand deals with luxury brands isn’t in line with the company’s amo but having pcy become the face of a random Filipino clothing brand is? right. ok. literally SM treats exo like the lesser group in the entire company when they’re the ones generating all their profit. it enrages me. to no end.

[peacht44]

literally screaming for him to wake up and see me and appreciate me for everything I’ve done for us since coming back home to him after the break(up) because he is losing me, I’m getting tired of fighting. And still he is apathetic at best.

Currently in financial ruin for this “man” ama.

Idc if this isn’t want tumblr is for- I literally have lost my entire family due to my decision to come home and try to make it work with him again after what he did to me, they don’t respect me and are keeping their distance. So I have no family of my own blood (just my little fam who adopted me as their own for giving their dad another chance) and exactly 1 friend who lives on the other side of the country. I have no one and nothing currently (other than a sick ass LDR stash necklace dupe on the way 🙌🏻) so forgive my old ass for being a MySpace kid who hated fb and went offline during the tumblr era, I’m just gonna rant here when I need because NOBODY knows me here.

It’s been 8 years since I attempted last, but each and every day lead me further down that path again and my depression sinks deeper and deeper and gets darker and more unholy by the day 😪 I’m too sunny and too bubbly to feel this way god I hate feeling this way. It would be so easy too and then 🤫 all quiet, no more pain physical or metaphysical or even emotional god that would be a dream. I can’t even buy my dad a Father’s Day or birthday gift (both back to back this month) because I threw my whole paycheck on the house we share that he’s refused to pay for (or even work for like physically Have a job for) in almost 2 years.

Where tf did my self respect go?? Why can’t I be the baddie I try to uplift other women to be when they’re down? Why am such a pushover who let’s him get away with murder??

My whole life is falling apart and all I can think is that no one is coming to save me this time. All I have is me and my own back, and even I hate me. I wish so badly I could be someone else, literally ANYONE else, and so I wish even harder for the silence. That eerie quiet to be only pierced by occasional muffled wails that I let out behind my hand clamped over my mouth through gritted teeth with the vent turned as high as it can go where no one can hear me slowly lose every single part of me that made me human, or even just me.

Maybe a nice grippy sock vacation WOULD be just the ticket to getting my mental back on track. At least it would be quieter there, in my head and in my bubble. For now my only comfort are racing nightmare anxious thoughts that play on a loop every minute or every hour of every day, I can’t seem to quieter them or stop a panic attack anymore. I don’t even know how to breathe on my own any more. I am 36 and no better off than living on my own for the first time at 16 again, and all I want to do is d*e, sometimes. Or kill the pathological people pleaser I give all of my energy to being. It’s time to go scorched earth on this Mf but it still won’t make him see me, or love me; or appreciate me for being a GD DISABLED WOMAN HE HAS LET FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIM FOR 2 YEARS NOW. It’s gaslight gate-keep and hypocrisy 24/7 on my life so maybe it’s time to girlboss my way tf out of it and ghost every living soul I know, pack up my fur babies and flee this hell hole I’ve let my life become again. This Mf couldn’t even bother TO DO A THING for my birthday this year but cry about how he couldn’t afford a gift for me. Not try to earn some cash to even go on a date, just whine about not having the funds and then having the audacity to pass out on me early and let me agonize over every single thing I’ve fucked up in my life lately by diving deep down a cold lane with him again.

Nothing feels real anymore. I don’t even feel like a person. I’m so numb yet so soft and emotional and unstably sad all of the time but all I do is avoid it. Sitting in this pain might kill me, I can’t risk that.

[eliospeachie]

10 Peachy Years pt.1

⚠️DISCLAIMER⚠️

This story is heavily inspired by the book/movie called "Call Me By Your Name", I do not own the story, the character Elio, Samuel, or Anella. This story is a work of inspiration, using the script as inspiration.

Part 2 is linked below

2k words

He didn’t plan to leave the country last second, no one really did. But, there Vante was, sitting in an airport with his face covered up with sunglasses, a beanie, face mask, and even a hoodie on for extra measure. He didn’t want anyone to see him, he didn’t need to be seen like this, not after what had happened. He was just lucky to be alive and to be able to get a place to stay last second.

With the summer around, a lot of people were more than willing to rent out their homes or anything at a good price. Vante didn’t want a hotel or a home, he didn’t trust himself to be alone. He didn’t think it’d be smart to do. So, he rented out a room he had seen an ad for online, one that was in a huge home not too far away from town with an orchard of peach trees in the backyard that belonged to a daily of three.

He had bought the plane tickets and the room for the whole summer an hour before he boarded the flight with nothing more than a duffel bag as his carry on shoved with last second clothes and an ipod as a carry on item. When you’re wanting to leave behind your entire life, you don’t really want to pack that much. And when you’re filthy fucking rich, you can just buy what you need when you get there.

The plane had landed early in the morning, taking some time to change out of his clothes into something more comfortable. Even though no one would suspect Vante of being there, he still kept on his face mask, though he changed his hoodie and sweatpants for a pair of shorts and flannel he bought at the airport.

He got a taxi to go to the house he would now be residing in, his eyes watching everything pass them by, a smile never leaving his lips. He was more than excited, it wasn’t every day you get a chance to live a new life and it also wasn’t every day that your new life would be in Italy. Call it ironic, but the brunette found himself to be more than lucky.

He arrived at the house not too long after the taxi had picked him up, admiring the beautiful stone as they pulled into the gravel sidewalk, an older man and woman stepping out of the house just as Vante stepped out, large smiles on both of their faces. They didn’t seem too old, maybe old enough to be his parents actually.

“Hello!” The woman cooed, stepping over to Vante and held onto his hands, placing kisses to his cheeks. “Oh darling, welcome! I’m Anella and this is my husband Samuel!”

“Hi, it’s nice to be able to meet you both.” He smiled at the greetings from Anella, turning to Samuel to shake his hand, a small feeling of nervousness in his stomach. “I know you guys have my name and all but..can you just call me V for a while? I prefer that right now.” That, and not everyone in Italy was named Vante. He didn’t want to risk hearing a fan saying his name and sounding the alarms.

Both parents didn’t mind, simply agreeing and went into small talk about the flight and drive to the home, already asking how V liked Italy even though he had only been there for an hour at most.

“Ah, Elio can help you with those bags! Here, let me call for him.” Samuel went to the front door yelling the name he spoke of only to get no response.

“Samuel, he left earlier, remember?”

“It’s alright, I can get it myself. It’s not heavy anyways.” V chuckled softly, throwing the bag over his shoulder, using a hand to brush back his dark locks. “Is Elio your son?”

“Yes, he is!” Anella smiled at the mention of her son, sighing softly as she led both V and her husband inside, V already entranced with the home and took in what details he could on the way in. “He should be home in time for lunch. Hopefully you two can become friends.”

“Oh, I hope so too.” V chuckled softly, though knowing that might not be true. V wasn’t the best with kids so he was pretty sure that he would have a hard time making friends with the boy. But he couldn’t say that to their faces. Not when he hadn’t even met the boy just yet. “Your room will be up the stairs, the last door to your left. We put some spare clothes in the closet for you to wear when you would like to.”

Elio nodded and gave a gentle thank you before he went to the room that would now be his room for the next three months. It wasn’t that big but it wasn’t small either, just big enough for a desk, bed, and the big dresser with the clothes as promised. He went to the door that was next to the dresser to find a bathroom and then another door. Out of curiosity, he opened the second door to show another bedroom. However, this one looked lived in. There were posters on the walls, books sprawled here and there. It was probably the son’s room.

V took a much needed shower but put on the clothes he had gotten at the airport, sighing to himself as he rubbed his face and went to the window, opening it up. It was nice, the air, the crispness of it. It probably smelled that much fresher with all of the trees near them.

Soon, it was lunch. The three sat at a table outside underneath string lights that weren’t lit up just yet, it probably usually was for dinner and for events. The idea sounded cute, hopefully he would be able to see it tonight.

“Where is that boy?” Anella sighed, taking some juice to pour into her cup.

“Patience, my love. Perhaps he got too caught up. Maybe he’s on his way home now or-”

“Sono qui, sono qui! Scusa, sono così in ritardo, non volevo..” A boy suddenly ran in, one who looked about V’s age. He had a head full of curly hair that had been in a shorter cut, freckles spreading across his nose and cheeks, thick eyebrows, and piercing blue eyes. He was..handsome. The boy turned to V, a small smile on his lips as he nodded his head as a little greeting, sitting down in the chair next to him, though a bit farther, shaking his hand. “Elio. Nice to meet you.”

“V.”

The lunch went on smoothly, V mainly sitting in silence as he ate except for answering small talk questions and complimenting the food as he ate. He couldn’t help but steal a few glances at Elio every so often while sharing barely any words with him. Lunch was done fairly quickly, Elio excusing himself to go back to seeing his friends, saying he’d be back for dinner.

And that’s how it went on for the next few weeks. The two boys barely exchanged words together, him mainly staying in his room, out with his friends, or somewhere that V wasn’t. But, one day he got lucky, going into the kitchen where Anella was peeling some peaches, Elio occasionally stealing a piece of the fruit, him and his mother giggling as V walked down, smiling at the two. It was cute to see a family together.

“Oh, V! Buongiorno! Come hai dormito?”

V stood there in the doorway for a second, trying to figure out what the woman meant as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his shorts, his mouth open as his brain tried to search for an answer. “Uh..”

Elio laughed a little, taking another piece of fruit from the bowl. “She asked you how you slept.”

“Oh-” V chuckled with the other two, shaking his head a little in embarrassment. “Yeah, yeah I slept pretty good. The bed actually seems to get more comfortable each night.”

Anella nodded, lightly smacking Elio’s hand when he tried to steal yet another piece, muttering something to him before turning back to glance at V, placing the mango peels onto a napkin on the side. “Were you wanting something to eat? Perhaps some juice?”

“No thank you, Mrs. Perlman. I was actually wondering if you knew where a good cafe close by would be? I want to go into town so I can maybe grab a thing or two from the shops and thought it would be nice to stop by at one.”

“I can show you one.” Elio pitched, catching both Anella and V by surprise, mainly because he didn’t expect the other to volunteer. “I can show you around the town as well. And I’m sure I can help you be your translator.” He took himself off the counter he was leaning on and walked past V, lightly patting his arm as he did. “Come on, we can use the bikes.”

So, the two took the two bikes as Elio said and rode into town. It didn’t take long, five minutes or so? The ride was quiet between the two as they went in, stopping at the cafe Elio had mentioned. He, of course, ordered for the both of them, getting them some blueberry muffins as well since they both didn’t have breakfast.

“Are you from around here?” V asked, looking up at the other sitting across from him while taking a bite of the muffin on his plate.

Elio shook his head, reaching into his pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes, placing one between his lips. “No,” he answered simply. “We used to come here during the summer. And Christmas and a uh..another holiday. But dad grew too attached to here so now we live here.”

“Christmas?” V chuckled, his eyes on the pack of cigarettes. It hadn’t been too long since he last smoked, he was trying to quit, having a cup of coffee every time he wanted one. It was kind of working, only if the coffee was black. When Elio held the pack out to him, as if asking if he wanted one, it took everything in V to shake his head with a polite no, turning his eyes towards the muffin instead.

Elio hummed, taking the lighter and lit the stick between his lips. “And Easter too. We are Jewish, English, American, Italian, French... somewhat atypical.” He laughed a little, taking a puff of the cigarette and moved it away to blow the smoke away from him.

V hummed, nodding his head a little. “I see. What do you and your family do here?”

“Mm, wait for summer to end.” Both boys shared a laugh at that, V shaking his head.

“No no, seriously. What do you do at least? Besides the waiting and hanging out with your friends all of the time?”

Elio sighed a little, his smile staying on his lips, placing the stick back between his lips as he spoke once more. “Transcribe music. Read books. Swim at the river. Go out at night.”

V nodded, tilting his head as he took a moment to look the man over. He could see that, Elio at his desk with headphones over his ears and scribbling on a piece of paper what notes he heard or laying in his bed with a book in his hands. It didn’t sound that surprising.

“Let me ask you something,” Elio chimed, making V snap out of his little daydreams of the other. “Why did you choose to come to Italy if you can’t even speak Italian?”

V couldn’t hide his little laugh of embarrassment, looking off to the side and leaned back in his seat, starting to pick at his nails. It was a little habit he had grown to do it the past few weeks, picking at his hangnails. “I needed somewhere to go last second. I wanted a bit of a summer getaway and uh..what better place than Italy?” Both of them shared a laugh once again, V taking the last bit of his muffin. “I do want to be here for a while though so I might as well learn, right?”

“Maybe I can teach you?”

[missspringthyme]

February 24th, 2024

Spent most of today either doing my taxes or playing sims. It took me awhile to hunt down the w2 for the internship I did last summer, but in the end it's worth it for the refund babey!

Last year my taxes were a nightmare. I somehow made enough that I actually had to pay taxes (it was like $20 or something but that still stung) and I also found out that somehow the name linked to my social security number was straight up wrong for my entire life and no one caught it until I was 21 and the IRS fucking rejected my tax filing. Insanity. I remember having the most infuriating phone call of my life where the woman on the other end didn't seem to believe me when I was telling her that Singapore is a city state so it's both the city and the country. She just kept saying "you can't just tell me the country ma'am, I need to know the city you were born in". It also meant that I filed my taxes late because I had to physically go to an office in the US and change my name. Awful awful awful.

Anyway the refund I'm getting this year is enough that if I play my cards right, I might actually be able to have money in my account at the end of the month! Crazy! I'm very happy. A part of my refund is some tax credit I'm getting that's h3lping me offset my Roth Ira contributions, which is crazy because I contributed more last year ($25 a month babey!). I wish the US was a normal country that just calculated the bill for you.

Another thing I did today was buy a Bluetooth computer mouse with the last remaining day of my prime trial. I have one in the US, but it vanished somewhere in my dad's house. Additionally having one that doesn't run on batteries would be more convenient for me. I need a wireless mouse because my laptop only has one USB port which is spoken for by my external hard drive when I'm doing anything with MATLAB. my supervisor told me to bring a mouse next time which would be no big deal if I had a 2nd USB port. What's funny is when I was looking at laptops for my undergrad they all talked about how it was important to have the right ports. I took that seriously and got a laptop with the appropriate variety and number of ports, only to use 1 USB. So when my laptop starting wigging out 6(!!) days before i left for my masters, I got the first laptop I could find with decent ram at a decent price. Secure in the knowledge that everything is done through online file sharing and clouds. One USB port would be enough. Now look at me, 20 euros poorer because I had to buy a wireless mouse. I like them better than wired ones anyway.

For kitchen tales, I had a nice little moment with German American this morning where she kinda got the zoomies and was giving lots of younger sibling energy. I like this side of her, and I'm trying to get it out of her more often. Eventually, I'll plan something with her 1 on 1. When I finally finished my taxes and emerged for dinner, the Australians, Finnish roommate, and Spanish neighbor were all watching Austin Powers so I sat and watched the last 3rd of the movie. I got asked if hooters is actually "like that". Somethings been up with authentic Australian but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm worried that maybe last night we teased him a little too much about maybe getting a free tattoo at the event our building was putting on. I meant to apologize to him today but I never saw him alone. Tomorrow is dnd, and I need to tell him if he wants to add in a class of warlock he'll have to earn it through roleplay, so maybe I can work it in then. Speaking of, tomorrow will be my first time with battlemaps. Wish me luck!

[200daystoanything]

The Imminent End

November 14th, 2023

Day 1 of the Journey to the Beginning or End of Anything at All

(I write this blog five days later)

I needed a kick in my ass, something to motivate me to do what I needed to do. Our family's mission has been bottlenecking to these moments right now, where I just had to put the pieces in place, so we could go and finally relax for the next 6 months. It had been two weeks of saying we would be gone from my mom's property in 2-3 days. I was done, my husband Banjo was done, our 10-year-old son Jethro was missing contact with other kids, our 15-month-old Jazzlyn was doing just fine, my mom AKA Yaya, was enjoying our company more than I realized. We had been saying how grateful we were for her putting up with our 40-foot school bus in her driveway and our personal belongings taking up space in every single nook and cranny of her house and property. But when we left, when we finally left (the 17th), she was obviously stricken with sadness at how a part of her heart would be taken with us when we took our little family of four south for the winter.

Banjo's mom, a beautiful, powerful, magical woman, the matriarch of our family and traveling caravan of do-gooders, passed away during her second open heart surgery on December 27th, 2023. She was 57 years old. It broke our hearts and we are still mending every day from the void she left.

I know, I know, there is a lot of broken hearts right now, isn't there? Yes, the beginning of this journey is certainly a painful one, as are the beginnings or ends of most things in this life.

So, you know what we are dealing with at this point. Where we are coming from. We acquired most of Mumzee's belongings when she passed and we had been trying to transmute - a fancy word Mumzee liked to use a lot - the feeling of being overburdened by things, to the feeling of gratitude for the opportunity to organize, bundle and disperse these beautiful things that she and we, had spent our entire lives collecting.

Trying hasn't been good enough... we want to change the world. We already have, as we cannot help but to exist and change the world around us, but we need to make big change and quickly.

So, there I was, staring at the piles and piles of things we decided we wanted to work on for the winter, to relax and finally enjoy ourselves. I need something to motivate me to do this thing I've been doing for nearly a year... and there it came. A message on messenger from a dear friend.

"Yo. WW3 is imminent now. We need to have a plan in place for nuclear fallout."

This message was the beginning of a series of thoughts being thrown back and forth, as my emotions got progressively more intense.

I have spent my entire life, feeling it in my bones, seeing the end of times in dreams monthly, that I might in fact, witness a catastrophic end to mankind in my lifetime. I have also spent my entire life wanting to make great change, remove mass amounts of carbon dioxide from the air, encourage recycling habits in corporate locations, clean trash from oceans and save wildlife from dying by manmade materials, etc.

This wasn't a shock. I'd heard people speaking about this, slipping through the cracks of FB algorithms and in conversations about politics and the levity of the decisions being made in the warzones. But there I was, looking at our escape vehicle, our home, and I was in shambles. I was shaking with anxiety and going back and forth trying not to lose my damn mind. This wasn't the first time I had found myself, with my OCD tendencies, displaying this type of behavior over the last 10 months. I reacted like this for about an hour.

"I need to bring at least a bow and some arrows." "Where is that excess supply of first aid body wraps?" "I need to buy my family a supply of food in case the country start rationing their food." "I don't even know how to sail..."

"I need to calm the fuck down or I am going to hurt myself." "But what if nothing happens and the threat of a world war is just that? Like it has been for years. A threat. Talk. Fear." "Where is my brain going? I have always believed that I manifest my reality, so if I carry on like this, will my thoughts spill to the next person and so forth, and my fears actually create a war?!

Okay, so if my thoughts create my reality, I can create any future I want... I am reminded of my 200 day blog. Every day was a coin toss. I die soon, or I live out my life. Doing that blog really caused me to take action.

What if..."

Well, obviously today is Day 1. In my previous blog I think I had planning to start a few days later, I don't quite recall. Why would I start this on any other day, but the day I received the news? A radiant beam of information appeared before me and I had the opportunity to believe it or to not, and to live my life as such.

Time to reel the family into this.

[borderlinegamer]

Fri, Sep 15

Our car is leaking oil. I don't know what exactly is wrong or how much it's gonna cost to fix but I'm exhausted. Things keep going wrong, why?

My dad has been a mechanic my entire life. When I was 16 I got my first car. It had stipulations. It was a totaled out 2001 or 2002 Volkswagen beetle in the color black. It was the car I wanted. It cost them $800 but the entire front end was missing except the engine. The stipulation was that I get a job, quit color guard and pay for all the parts and that I rebuild it with my dad. I'm positive my dad took some of my part money and used it for other things but it took an entire year to get the car built as he refused to do anything to it in the winter or put it in the garage to rebuild. It didn't have airbags or working seatbelts but it was finally built and drivable. It was only drivable for 6 months. It broke down a winter morning on my way to school. My dad refused to fix it and I had to buy another car which was a 1998 honda accord. I loved the honda so much. When my dad was getting siding on the garage the leader of the team doing it offered him a discount and some cash for the bug sitting in the backyard. My dad fixed the bug and took the deal without telling me. He pocketed the cash and didn't give me a fucking dime.

Fast forward to now and a few cars later my husbands car shit out on us. The transmission blew. We had 3k in savings and wanted to spend around $2500 for something old but reliable. We asked my dad to go with us to check it out in hopes he could spot something shady. My mistake was not realizing he's not at all reliable at the moment due to the divorce. He let us buy an absolute junker for $2400. First it was the exhaust, then spark plugs. We thought the nightmare was over and drove it 30 min to an odesza concert and the stupid light came on again. And now it's pouring oil in my driveway. We have maybe 1500 in savings. We are in about 3k on this car. My husband's not rich but wealthy has a million dollars in retirement and has bought the other siblings houses parents won't help us. My theory is because my husband didnt finish school when covid hit. The best they offered was an older Kia soul so his dad could make a business deal with the guy selling it. Not reliable at all with high mileage. These are the same people that were okay with paying a contractor AND his apprentice $300/hr to remodel their kitchen. The same people who brag to us about their millionaire friends paying for their entire wine country vacation while they griped about us asking for help.

I'm so tired. I didn't ask to be here. I especially didn't ask to be born into mentally ill ridden generational poverty.

*manifestation*

I will have money. I will have money to give us a better home and means of transportation. I'll have enough money so we can go on at least one vacation a year or to reduce my breasts to a comfortable size. We will have money and we won't have to watch your rich parents dog for only $200 when they were spending upwards of 1k a week to put her in a doggy hotel. We won't have to watch them not help us and also have my narc dad telling us it's our fault because we didn't wash his flea dog.

I want fucking change.

Edit: just got done cleaning out my car to get ready to sell. I drive a nicer 2012 civic but u haven't driven a long distance in about a year due to my ptsd so I figured we could sell it and get a nicer car for both of us to drive that's reliable. I had lent my dad my car a few months ago when his was badly damaged in a wreck. I found this present from him borrowing my car while I was cleaning it. I never noticed before because I don't really look up in my car.

My therapist asked me why I haven't cut ties, and I ask myself that every day. I don't know whether I want to die or him to die. Jesus fucking christ.

[lexiawrittings]

The Compromise VII

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

PAIRING.

Dark!CEO!Steve Rogers x Reader.

SUMMARY.

Love. What is love?

Maybe a lie by omission to protect someone we care about? Or, the celebration of a wedding, reuniting two people together for life? Perhaps, an emotion that bothers you deep down by seeing someone disappear behind the fakness of their smile?

Love is complex. And it can be manipulated into a fucking nightmare by the worst man on Earth.

A/N.

Political Relationship/Marriage? AU. Dark AU.

This is DARK. ANGST. Sorry for the end...😅

Here it is, the seventh (woah 🤯) part of The Compromise Series. I still love writing this story! Even though I write it very slow... A little surprise at the end. I already know what my next long series will be about...As always, thank you very much for reading! Don’t hesitate to leave your thoughts, comments, and feedback.

P.S: Gifs aren’t mine, credits to the owners and makers.

A lots of Love! Lex!xx 💕💕

WORDS.3642ish.

Steve Rogers was a happy man. Christ, the man didn't touch the ground. He had everything he desired. He was about to merge his company with one of the richest of the country making him the head of the largest technology and research industry. And, with his already competent communication, entertainment and renewable energy department, Steve Rogers would become the most powerful man in the country maybe the world. Having the responsibility of bringing, creating, and selling everything from the newest high-tech computer to electric cars while owning one of the biggest entertainment conglomerate corporations. Nothing could stop him. No one could say no to him anymore. Steve would be now considered one of the living Devil of New York City. Powerful, wealthy, and affluent. Joining the likes of Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, and also the late John D. Rockefeller. Intelligent. Philanthropist. Fiendish.   Yes, Steve Rogers had everything he desired and wanted. And now, all was well. Almost. Steve knew he had to make some concessions to gain in this political and business game. Even when he didn't like the outcome, he had to play the part. And by agreeing to make you his wife, the blond-man thought that it was the small price to pay.   Lying to you about his feelings with pretty words, manipulating you by moving your furniture out of your apartment, chasing you down to your hometown and forcing your hand by meeting your parents were actions that he was willing to do. He was ready to anything for you to sign, quickly. Gaslighting you with love wasn't an issue for him. Steve didn't believe in love but he knew you would. And, blending these petty feelings with some kernel of truth will do the trick. However, things weren't right. Since you came back from your parent's house and disappeared for the entire afternoon and a good portion of the night, you came back, changed. Different. The CEO of the most important company in the United State didn't know if it was a good or a bad thing.

" I can't wait for you to see my dress. My mom cried yesterday and today when she saw me. You should have seen her face, pure happiness. It makes me so happy to see her happy. She's so emotional, I don't know if it's a wedding or being here in the big city. She's not used to the noise, people, and, let's be honest, the filth. My dad is quieter. But I know he's coming around to the idea of the wedding. He's a good man. I can't wait for him to see me in this magnificent dress. Oh, Steve, I hope the cost won't be a problem for you. Let me remind you that you were the one who told me to buy anything I want. Besides,…"

You were a constant chatterbox. Positive, making light of everything about the wedding, the living arrangement, your resignation from the company. Gone was the woman who put out a fight even weak for defending what she believed in. There was no more questioning but only agreeing with anything Steve said. Like his word was law and you obeyed them like a good wife. Seating on the barstool at the kitchen counter, the blond-man watched you cleaning the dishes of your last dinner together. In two days, you will be a married couple, then Steve would go to Oslo and when he came back Tony would officially step out of his company to let the merging begin. Nothing would be the same. But it was already, not the same. Watching you, talking without listening, the blond-man focused his eyes on your frame. Harsh lines had begun to appear under your eyes since you came back, and he had also remarked your considerate weight loss. Having been brought up in the high society of the Upper East Side, Steve knew women could lose weight during a stressful time like their weddings but even though he hated to admit this to himself, deep down, Steve Rogers knew you. A wedding, even a small one, to someone who was a persistent ass to you wouldn't make you positively happy all the damn time. Maybe angry, resentful, or even sad.

" You wouldn't believe it. She had the same dress! " You exclaimed looking at him above your shoulders, eyes wide with mirth and surprise illuminating the  tired lines of your face. You turned your head away to rinse the last bowl. " Don't worry, they both keeping it. I think…" " Y/N. " Steve interrupted you, putting his hands on the cold marble table in front of him. " What? " You turned your body to lean against the sink, a small smile appeared on your lips. " I don't want you to go to your parent's hotel tomorrow. " The blond-man ordered you, frowning his deep blue eyes , looking closely at your face. " Why? " You inquired, puzzled by his demand, shaking your head slightly. " My mom had organized something special for me and her. She told me she wanted me there. Besides, you have your stag night tomorrow too. " You recalled, confused. " I know. " He answered simply crossing his fingers together on the table. " And I plan to enjoy myself as my last night of single man. But we both know that if I wanted to have sex with another woman now, during, or after the wedding I would. "

Biting your lower lips, Steve watched you drop your eyes to the kitchen floor, your hands started to shake next to you. You balled them into fists before crossing your arms on your chest.  

" What I don't want to, his you going to your mom…thing. " He continued calmly his eyes were bright under the halo of the light of the room. " You would stay and sleep here while I will probably fuck a stripper. The next morning I will send a car to drive you to the ceremony and in an hour we will be married. " Steve explained, leaning his upper body above the counter, looking at you, your head still turned to the floor. " Is it clear? "

Waiting. Steve hold his breath waiting. It took less than a minute for you. But, for the man, it seems like forever.

" Alright. " You glanced up a small smile on your face. " I will tell mum tomorrow and I will stay in the night before the wedding. " You turned on your heels turning your back to him and started to arrange some pieces of utensils that were still wet on the racks.

There weren't many things that could shock Steve Rogers. He wasn't shocked to learn about Buck and Sam's sexual and dark experience with women. He wasn't shocked when he found out how his father treated his mother after she cheat on him. But right now he was stunned. With quick and graceful movement, Steve stood up from his chair and walked around the counter to stand behind you. His hand on your forearms, he forced you to face him, letting the plate you were holding shatter inside the sink. Startled you let out a small cry before raising your sight to meet his blue one.

" What's wrong with you. " Steve breathed out his face  inches away from yours. He raised his hands to take hold of your face inside large fingers. His gaze searching yours, his confusion was quickly turning into irritation. " W-What do you mean? " You replied, puzzled but with a faint smile on your lips, forcing your fears and demons away. " Where is the girl who would fight me or even try to coerce me to spend time with her mother? Where is your anger, Y/N? " Steve frowned, tilting his head back, forcing you to look him in the eyes. " I-I don't know what you mean. " You replied in a small and quiet voice, shaking your head slightly showing your confusion and trying really hard to not remembered. You blinked several time to held back your tears. No, later. " Don't lie to me. " The blond-man hissed, his voice low. " I-I stopped the pill. " You answered quickly, licking your lips, watching him , his grasps becoming loose on your cheeks. " Maybe that’s why my hormones are in…" " Wait what? " Steve took a step back, his arms dropping down. Anger became puzzlement. " You stopped it? " He asked scowling. " Yes. " You nodded your head, your fingers playing with your bracelet at your wrist. " When we came back from my parents, I finished the last pack and didn't go to the drugstore to buy a new one. " You confirmed, raising your shoulders slightly, waiting expectantly for his reaction a small smile on your lips.

Taking another step back , Steve turned around to face the bay windows. The light of New York's highest building blinked back at him. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Steve closed his eyes hard. For once, his mind was empty and not thanks to sex.

" And you didn't think of telling me this. " He whispered under his breath, biting his lower lip. " No, but that's what you wanted. " You said bemuse, looking at his tense back.   " Right? " " No. " Steve sighed opening his eyes and thrusting his hands through his hair.   " That was never what I wanted. " He murmured before leaving the open area of the kitchen and started to climb the staircase of the penthouse.

°°°

Increasing the pression of the water to the maximum you walked back inside the large shower , pushing your back against the icy marble wall of the lavish cabin. Naked, you started to slowly drop to the floor, trembling slightly and waiting for the temperature of the room to heat up. Biting your lower lip, you glanced at the door, assuring yourself that it was closed shut through the fogginess that started to creep up on the glass and your teary eyes. Facing forward, and fully seated, you raised your legs, to hug your knees to your chest, crying quietly against your skin. It has been your routine for the past week and a half. Your only reprieve from the madness of your life. You sniffed putting your chin on your knees hugging your legs tighter. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think abo-…

" His or mine. What's the difference? " The bang of the door. The blinding light. No!

Closing your eyes, you started to rock your body, trying to calm your bursting emotions. Shame and deep sadness weigh heavy on your stomach. You let your tears fall on your cheeks, secretly hiding one of your profound secrets behind a close door, the shower stall rinsing away the evidence.

°°°

Steve felt the bed tipped beneath him as you lied down. The blond man turned his back to you facing the large bay windows as you made yourself comfortable under the cold sheets. Lights from the city that never sleeps were pouring inside the room casting dark shadows on the bare walls. Sighing deeply, Steve didn't know what to do with what he felt for the woman next to him. He never felt so torn and confused by all these emotions. He despised that. All his life, he tried to ignore them or avoided any situations that might make him feel that way. But you were tearing apart every resolution, decision, and rule he had made for himself. Sighing deeply, Steve turned around, troubled by the lights of the others Manhattan's skyscrapers to face the wall. Only to meet your gaze watching him, expectantly. Everything, since you came back from your hometown, had changed. You looked the same but you weren't you anymore. And Steve's observation was confirmed once again as you reached for him across the bed, a small smile curving on your lips, your eyes twinkled with the light coming from the windows. Your hand landed on his white shirt. Your fingers started to gently stroke his tone chest above the soft fabric. Steve rolled his eyes, trying not to react to your touch. But his body wasn't align with his mind as his cock started to get hard inside his boxer brief. For Christ's Sake! Taking your wrist in a swift motion of his fingers, he pushed your hand aside, shaking his head.

" Not tonight. " The blond - man closed his eyes breathing deeply and moved to lie on his back. His voice echoed inside the darkroom casting a cold atmosphere between you. " Tell me what I need to do. " Your voice sounded small to his ears, feeble and uncertain.

Steve turned his head to the side to look at you. You bite your lower lips waiting for his order. Your desire to please him was the only emotion that could suppress any distress and hurt you were feeling. Sex with Steve Rogers could make your mind empty of any thought. How ironic.

" I want my old Y/N back. " " To fuck me when I cry?  " You stated smirking and casting your eyes down on your hands resting on the mattress. " There she is. " Steve faintly smiled before resting his head down on his pillow, closing his eyes.  

You turned your back to him, crossing your arms on your chest, feeling hopeless.

" Goodnight Steve. "

°°°

Your dress was heavy and a little bit loose on the back. You caught your mom several times looking at the little space, frowning. She already tried to coerce you to eat during the dinner but you couldn't eat anything. All your energy since the start of the day was focused on avoiding that man. You wouldn't be able to contain your emotion if your eyes meet his cold ones. Especially the day of your wedding.

" Everything was lovely, Y/N. " Pepper, Tony's wife, smiled at you sipping her glass of champagne. " The ceremony, your dress, this venue. " She sighed looking around her at the priceless and numerous painting display on the walls of the room. " I can't believe you succeeded to snatch a date at The Frick and on short notice. " She beamed, visibly impressed. " I had a lot of luck. " You smiles tightly, feeling your limbs growing heavy with exhaustion.

The day had been long. Between avoiding someone, trying to calm yourself and your parents while monitoring that everything goes smoothly, the ceremony, the photos, the food…

" She's so modest. " An arm slowly encircle you from behind, gently pushing your body against a firm chest.  

And Steve.

" But before accepting to be my lovely wife, Y/N was my very competent assistant. She knows all the important people of New York. " The blond-man continued pushing his head above yours, his fingers stroking gently your stomach.

You smiled tilting your face to look at him adoringly. Pepper's smile grew on her face as Steve put asoft kiss on your lips. Giving you privacy, the blond woman walked back toward the tables where people were installed. Some were strolling around looking at the painting, others were still eating, seating at the tables expensively decorated for the occasion. A few were watching you. The happy couple who a couple hours ago, said I do's. Pushing your lips firmly against his own, you tried to deepen the kiss however he moved his face away nuzzling your nose with his before leaning his face up. You felt the coldness creeping inside your core as Steve's looked away to meet the gaze of the new person coming your way. Even though an unspoken agreement passed between you to act "crazy in love" when people were around you, the weird, cold and odd tension that crept between you since the night you told him about your pill didn't pass. No, it increased changing your already strange relationship into a co-existing partnership.

" Kent! " Steve nodded at the man stopping in front of you, he shook the hand of the tall, dark-haired whose amused blue eyes was turned towards you. You smiled at him despite your true desire to hide far away from here. " Rogers. " The man nodded smiling at you. 

Something was off with him. Something with his eyes bugged you and made you feel at ease.

" How an ugly face like you, made this woman accept to spend the rest of her life with you? " He inquired, dubious, frowning slightly. " With love. " Steve shrugged, he slightly and slowly put his body in front of yours, eyeing the man with irritation. " When did you arrive? " " A few minutes ago, I'm standing in for my father. " The dark-haired man explained, pushing his hands inside the pockets of his smart suit. " Daddy dearest sends his apology but being a Duke is more important than attending a small reception in the capital of the world. " He slowly smiled. " You're a Duke? " You asked dubious,  curiosity picking your interest. " I'm Clark. " Was his only answer tilting his head to the side to look at you behind Steve's imposing frame. " And you must be the lovely bride that my dear best friend hide from his own friend group. " " Y/N. " You smile faintly, still feeling uncomfortable by his gaze.

You were not surprised by his presence. You didn't knew half of the people that were invited to your wedding. Steve Sr's assistant had handled the invitation for the Rogers family. And as you promised yourself to stay away from this man, you found yourself in this peculiar position to smile and act in front of people who were so rich and elegant that their last names were plastered on the oldest and most important buildings on the East Coast. But a Duke's son? Steve tilted his body to the side almost hiding you from the sight of Clark who only laugh in front of his friend behavior.

" Come on, now, Steve. You used to share. " " Not. My. Wife. " The blond-man enunciated through gritted teeth.  

You felt warmth blossom inside your heart. Wife. You were his wife now. Not his assistant, not just someone with who he spent his nights. But his wife. Clark laughed once again. The sound boomed inside the room making several heads turn your way.

" Marriage does change a man, after all. " The dark-haired man chuckled, his blue eyes were illuminated with the soft warm spots of the room, delight and amuse. " Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to make a toast. " A loud grave voice announced above the many conversations.

Your back grew rigid and your bones chilled with fear.

" See you in Oslo, Rogers. " Clark said to his friend but winked at you before stepping back toward the tables.

You turned your face toward the man whose only presence repulse you only to meet the same shade of blue eyesight that winked at you a couple of seconds ago. Is it possible?

" S-Steve…? " You started to whisper only to be stop as your husband's fingers grasped your waist strongly.

A warning.

Your smile grew on your face as you tried not to flinch under the pain and the memories.

" Not now. Not here. " Steve murmured inside your ear, his sight turned toward his father standing, micro in hand before he put a soft kiss on your temple. " I would like to say a few words. " Steven Sr announced to the crowd, looking at everyone.

When his eyes landed on you, a small smile appeared at the corner of his lips before he turned his eyes away . You raised your hand to hug Steve close to your side, burying your cheek against his firm chest. Steve started to caress your as he feel you tremble beneath him. Frowning he looked down to watch you close your eyes briefly before setting them on his father who started his speech. A smile was painted on your face but in your eyes, Steve could see the despair and anguish.

"… was a special occasion. But unfortunately, the health of my wife prevented her to come and join us today. "

At the mention of his mom, Steve's eyes met his father's stare, cold like ice.

" However, as parents of our successful son, we are pleased to see him happy." The patriarch continued, a small smile tugging his lips. " Today, he chose to marry the woman he love, making me and my wife proud. " He nodded then turned his cold eyes toward you. " Y/N, " his smile grew on his lips, his voice softer. " We are also happy that from today you joined our family assuring the Rogers name a bright and long future ahead. " He added tilting his head towards you.

A tight lip smile appeared on your mouth while you pressed your body against Steve.

" Our ancestor came in power when this country was only land, savages, and gold. " Steven went on, his gaze traveling on every face in the room. " We made this country, we took control, rein in and develop this country. The Rogers family comes to power from nothing and through, coal, mines, gold, train, the newspaper then television, production, technological development, and resources, we made the United States of America. We are the United Stated of America. " He smiled with conviction, purpose, and determination before raising his glass. " So everyone, please, join me and raise your glass to the couple who  promise themselves to each other today. To our family, the Rogers, powerful in the past, present, and future. To America, who have always been great and strong. " He finished off, branding his glass of brandy above his head, content and all smile.

You saw Steve's father animated with passion and devotion for his words. Light brightening his eyes, his face flush with vigor and enthusiasm, pleased by the applause of his public. Steve and you joined him raising your glasses of champagne. But before you could take a sip as everyone else, you saw the expression on Steve Sr face.  The old man hadn't finished ruining your life. 

" And of course, congratulations to the couple. " The patriarch added, his voice still loud even though the clap of your guests died down. " To the new addition to our family! Make us proud with son! " He cried out before tipping down the content of his glass in his mouth, tipping his head back.

Fuck!

°°°

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[hardestgrove]

How about some mungrove hcs?

Billy learns the drums with Eddie's encouragement and Eddie uses his connections in the Indiana music scene to help Billy put together a drum set he can afford and figuring out where to keep it since you know Billy trying to practice at home wouldn't go well lol

At some point they end up getting matching tattoos. Don't ask me of what or where right now I'm coming up blank but it's either 2 complimentary designs or the same design.

Billy loves to lay on top of Eddie with his head on his chest.

They have both the best and worst road trip energy. It's practically a blood bath when they're locked in a car together for too long but also they could literally spend months fucking around driving across the country and enjoy every second. The threats of violence is just how they communicate lol the mental breakdowns over tourist traps is just part of the fun.

Eddie has big honkin' ADHD and maybe some Dyslexia since it feels like those are buy one get one free. Billy is actually pretty good at school so he helps Eddie out which was a contributing factor in him finally graduating. Billy will crack jokes about how fucking incompetent he is but it's entirely out of love and Eddie shoots jokes right back about Billy's "freaky robot capacity to like, Do Shit".

Billy isn't always the best at expressing himself-- especially in ways that make him vulnerable like love and affection-- in words or in actions traditionally associated with it (like flowers or hug for someone you care for). His solution to that is to take care of Eddie on a practical level. Eddie is an ADHD mess-- his place is a mess, his affairs are a mess, his finances are a mess, he's always forgetting shit even when it's important. So Billy takes over. He makes sure the place is reasonably clean, that there's actually decent food in the house, that Eddie doesn't forget what he was supposed to do, looks after the money etc. It's his way of saying "I love you" without saying it. Because he's Billy Fucking Hargrove and it takes 2 seconds to realize the only reason he'd do this kinda bullshit without getting paid is because he loves them.

Billy sleeps in the nude and Eddie usually starts in sleep pants and ends up in some state of pantlessness because how is he supposed to just go to sleep with Billy just naked there???? What I'm getting at here is that sometimes Eddie falls asleep pants on dick out because that's just objectively hilarious and it makes me laugh.

Eddie has the Midwest superpower of being able to wear shorts in the winter like it's nothing which works out since Billy hogs all the warm shit in the winter. Billy hates the winter so much. Eddie lets him steal his thermals and sweaters and jackets and shit. He likes seeing Billy in his clothes but he also just you know, likes Billy not shivering to death.

They read things like Heavy Metal, Kerrang and other various music and more edgy/avant garde publications together and discuss them intensely. It's deadass an Eng Lit 400 course in here.

Spinal Tap. That is all.

Eddie cannot keep his fucking hands off Billy. He's so in love and has such dog shit impulse control he's can't not touch and hold and pet etc etc. He's figured out tho ways to do things that are "socially acceptable" so it looks like they're Good Bros and he's just an affectionate dudes and not like they're boyfriends. Cuz it's Indiana in the 80s and Neil exists. Alone tho he just goes absolutely off the chain with the touch, sometimes to the point it annoys Billy cause he's trying to do shit or just not in the mood but Eddie just genuinely struggles. He feels a LOT and he had to express it or he'll crawl his skin off (yes this is another ADHD thing)

Eddie is #Obsessed with Billy in that like "okay my guy is coming in here in a second and if you fuckers don't clap for him I'm gonna blow up the building" kinda way. Like he just loves him a LOT and he can't fucking shut up about how Neat he thinks Billy is. And he's making it your fucking problem. Billy has no idea how to handle this kinda love and hype it's very cute.

Eddie is probably the best at sensing Billy's mood and its subtle changes even when Billy is masking hard. He's much better than Billy at social niceties and shit despite his whole anti-conformity thing and he uses that to help get Billy out of situations he knows Billy doesn't want to be in but doesn't want to out himself as say, distraught. Eddie overall is very protective of Billy's emotions and works hard to give him a safe space to feel, express and unload them.

Of course they move to California to pursue careers in music and Billy takes the reigns of teaching Eddie how true civilization works. Getting Eddie to the beach is always a fight but Billy pretty much always wins because he can dead lift Eddie into the fucking car sooooo. Eddie bitches a LOT about California (personally I think he'd prefer the East Coast, it seems more his vibe you know?) but he loves how much better and lighter Billy is there so like, he'll muscle through the heat lol

Billy moving back to California is a popular concept and in this context it makes sense since LA is a solid choice to pick if you're aiming to start a music career I can also see them moving to Seattle and ending up somewhat mixed in to the forming Grunge scene of the late 80s-early 90s. IMO Grunge is a genre both of them would like for various reasons both musical and sociopolitical and I can see it being one of the few genres Eddie would at least somewhat branch off into playing/experimenting with/incorporating into his own music. Plus the Pacific Northwest feels like a happy medium between the two of them in terms of what they'd like out of a place to live.

Billy is truly cringey unhinged down bad for Eddie and quietly loses his mind a lot over the lovestruck shit Eddie does. Like Eddie gets all affectionate and peppers him with "I love you"s and Billy goes insane over it. He loves the attention, the affection and the praise and he's also just desperate for it after years without. He feels like the fucking king of the world when Eddie gives him that big fond smile of his. Billy loves to kiss him when he's smiling and feel Eddie laugh against him.