#in the early process of figuring out who draws what; we saw which art of previous deck versions is going to be reprinted

[eldesperadont]

just saw the issues with the wrestling tarot deck - im a contributing artist and didnt know about any of that till now, i hope all of it gets sorted out :/

[effen-draws]

HUGEEEEE fan of your de!swap fic! Just finished reading chapter 5 and WOW what a chapter. I'm soooo glad to see that suzerainty popped up, the original scene with that game is my favorite scene, and I'm overjoyed to see that it carried over to your fic!!

Curious question, what was your motivation behind choosing what skills Kim has? I love all the skills you created for the fic, and I'd like to know your thought process behind it

Thank you so much!!! I’m super glad that you liked the chapter! The Suzerainty scene was hella fun to write:-D And I’m very happy that you like the skills as well! 

But, yes, the skills. Oh man, anon, the skills. You have opened up a can of worms here. You’ve given me an opportunity to rant here, anon. So I really hope you’re ready for a long post because I have plenty of thoughts, my friend. 

But before we actually get into any of my skill related thought processes and ideas I’d like to preface this post with 2 things!

Many of the skills (and generally the early parts of the fic) are inspired by a hodgepodge of many different people’s headcanons and art here on tumblr! Which, because I’m one of god’s favourite clowns with a terrible short term memory, I have no idea what came from  where! I looked at and read a lot of the things that later inspired me before I ever thought of writing the fic at all. And I never thought about writing any of my sources of inspiration down before I had already finished the draft of chapter 1! Which I kinda feel terrible about! The readers with a better memory than I might remember that I wrote in the first chapter that if anyone saw anything that looked familiar they should tell me so I could give proper credit. (Which I still implore any keen eyed reader to do!) So yeah, this is just to say; I’m not a genius who came up with all of this on my own and I was inspired by many cool people so don’t give me too much credit!

BUT! If anyone ever wants to write or draw anything using the skillset I’ve made for my version of swap!Kim, then you are so very welcome! So don’t sweat it if you want to reuse a name, concept, or the entire set! I’d just be happy to have inspired you:-]

Anyways sorry for the preamble. I just needed to get that said before I go down my rabbit hole:-)

So, let’s get to it! (For real this time I promise, anon) Here are a few of my general thoughts about my Kim skillset and some individual insight into more of the “interesting” skills! 

There were a few things I considered when making the skills. For one I needed to figure out what skills were needed because of narrative necessity and what were needed for characterisation. For an example HANDS ON is almost only a “Kim is physically interacting with his surroundings and I need to describe that” skill while TORQUE DORK, on the other hand, is a fluff skill that’s there because of Kim’s interests in machinery. Besides their personalities the skills also need to serve a role in telling a story, y’know? Whether that be description or character. That’s also one of the reasons that Kim only has 16 skills instead of Harry’s 24. A fic is a different medium than a game so it’s not necessary to have quite so many skills. But, if you want my non-boring justification for that, I also just think that Kim is far less scattered brained than Harry! The man is simply more together even when he’s falling apart so he therefore has a few more “multi purpose skills”:-]

Speaking about Harry, I felt like it would be important that Kim’s skills felt unique to him even if some of them started out as reskins of Harry’s (I mean, how do you make a skill responsible for logic without giving it similarities to Harry’s LOGIC skill??). Not that they needed to stand out completely but rather I didn’t want to feel like I was applying Harry’s voices to Kim’s head. Which also means that Kim’s skills just can’t do the same things that Harry’s can! For one they aren’t as psychically inclined even if they can take guesses and read people in similar ways (which they’re partially that good at because of narrative necessity, but hey man, don’t look at me I’m just trying to tell a good story here!)

One thing which I also really wanted to stress with the skills too is that many of them have “rivalries” or “alliances” with one another. Some of them are complete opposites (EYES vs. OUTSIDER) while others will almost always back each other up (POISE & COMMAND). This animosity is there because; one, Kim is constantly trying to keep himself in check and is very harsh on himself so therefore no skill can ever “win” for long. Two; I’m a BIG fan of the thought of “Kim’s centrism is killing him”. So therefore every skill is almost always pulling him in different directions and opposing each other while Kim is trying to thread the needle of just existing. And because there’s this constant infighting Kim’s mind becomes a very hostile place to be. One last general consideration before I get into some individual skills! I really love how having a high level skill in DE also has its downsides! They have blindspots! They have one track thoughts and motivations! And it’s dangerous to only listen to one of them! So I attempted to show that with Kim’s high level skills like VOLTA DO MAR and POISE in the fic:-]

Anyways: individual skill thoughts! I don’t have something to say about all of them but I'll quickly go through my thoughts on some of the more interesting ones in order. (Also I’m so sorry for rambling so long, anon. Here's the part of the post I think you're interested in.)

Starting off with PUZZLEBOX and NOTEKEEPER! If I’m honest I think these two are inseparable; Note provides information and Puz connects the dots. They’re quite obviously Kim’s deductive and note taking powerhouses. Note does however also have a purpose as a narrative device since it’s the one that recalls past information (that Kim can remember). They’re a little like a narrator in that sense. Anyways I don’t have many thoughts about these two but I think they’re kinda cute in how “dumb” they can be despite being intellect skills:-]

FANTASME is not a skill that gets a lot of the limelight but they do have a good amount to say even though they’re a low level skill. They’re kind of a CONCEPTUALISATION and INLAND EMPIRE mix I guess. They’re focused on Kim’s “nerd” things (that isn’t machinery or paperwork) and escapism. They know about art but they don’t really “get it” as Harry can. They’re also the driving force behind Kim’s existential dread as you have seen in chapter 4.

BLEEDING HEART is what I labelled as the “feelings” skill, and they were kind of an EMPATHY clone in the early concepts before I really figured them out. Because all they really want for Kim is for him to feel. Their second priority is making sure that Kim feels for the people around him as well. To Bleed it doesn’t really matter what emotions Kim is feeling as long as they are being felt and that he isn’t hurting or “burdening” anyone. They’re sad, suppressed, and visceral. Another thing about them is that similarly to how ESPRIT DE CORPS is the “gateway skill” that Harry uses to read Kim, BLEEDING HEART is the “gateway skill” Kim uses to read Harry in the fic. This is mostly because I don’t think Harry can be understood through the lens of the RCM like Kim can in the game.

EYES is interesting to me. Because they aren’t the RCM but rather swap!Kim’s understanding of the RCM personified. Which both means they’re brutally honest about how the police sucks but that they also cannot let go of duty and loyalty for the life of them. They are aptly named after Eyes; Kim’s last main connection to the RCM and its office culture. Which is very cool but also not my original idea! And because of the reasons mentioned prior I really don’t remember who came up with that stroke of genius but I would honestly like to thank them personally. (If I ever get my hands on the post I saw it in I’ll link it here)

I love the idea of OUTSIDER. Kim having a skill that’s specifically manifested because of how alienated he feels is so interesting to me! That how much the world has failed him is ingrained in him just speaks volumes, y’know. Outs don’t have too much of a narrative purpose compared to other skills but I do love them regardless. They aren’t completely my original idea either, but unlike EYES, I have no idea where I got this one from. (Again, if I find the source I’ll put in a link, but for now my cursed memory can produce nothing.)

JOIE DE VIVRE is the most fun little guy in Kim’s mind to me. They are what makes life fun (as their name suggests) and they ultimately represent indulgence. They are essentially good to listen to occasionally but not constantly. Because Joie is all about base desires which they want fulfilled now. “Hey! Smoke that cigarette now! Hey! Fuck that guy now! Hey! Avoid your responsibilities now!” And if they don’t get that they will immediately trash talk whoever shut them down. And, to say the least, they are constantly being repressed by the other skills. Kim can’t get rid of them but, oh man, does he wish he could.

VOLTA DO MAR is my swap!Kim’s signature skill. And it shows: they are used to being in control. They are all about keeping Kim going and they generally serve a similar role like VOLITION does in terms of keeping Kim sane. But they are really nothing like VOLITION. They’re mean. They’re efficient. They’re a completionist and simultaneously a survivor. They will shut down anything they deem unnecessary while also dealing with any odd situation which Kim simply needs to roll with. Volt ultimately thinks they know best and is thusly kind of a dick. 

NERVE is a kind of “physical skill all in one” with the added on flavour of repressed anger. NERVE’s name then, of course, both comes from the biological nerve and because of the “that struck a nerve” saying. They just want Kim to follow his gut and retaliate for once. They’re the physicality of anger and instinct. Which has pros and cons… 

POISE is an interesting little fella to me. They’re kind of like a teen who’s obsessed with being cool and keeping up face and facade in my eyes:-) And since they’re also such a high level skill they get to talk a lot, and with their focus being reputation a large part of that talk is about how embarrassed Kim should be. They’re a personification of self consciousness and intrusive anxiety riddled thoughts and yet they’re also one of Kim’s most useful skills, both in regards to reading others and not being read himself. They’re sort of a necessary evil in that sense.

Oh man. That was a ramble. And I didn’t even talk about every skill. Well, I’m all tuckered out now but thank you so much for the ask, anon! I kinda took it as an excuse to just talk for once so I hope that alright:-] 

I don’t know how many people (if any) will find this interesting so, to the people who got this far, I’ll tell you my swap!Kim’s 5 highest level skills as a token of my appreciation for reading:-) Number one is of course VOLTA DO MAR, followed by POISE, BLEEDING HEART, NOTEKEEPER, and then lastly COMMAND. Extra fun fact; EYES and OUTSIDER are always the exact same level and this makes them furious.

Anyways, thank you again for reading my fic and this long ass answer to an otherwise simple ask! I hope you have a great rest of your day:-]

[strangewiggles]

pathologic furry designs because im a nerd

(aglaya, rubin, and lara, *ft artemy)

i usually dont post uncolored drawings/doodles but i plan on making a few of these

HUGE thanks to my buddies for help/input on these..both are huge brained and awesome at art follow them now

heres the thought process (spoiler free, mostly based on patho 2)

me and my buddies were in a call for all of these and we had a very intellectual conversation about all of them. when looking for furry designs i usually think of personality, mannerisms, and likeness.

Aglaya, Shoebill

both of the friends i asked havent played the game past day 5 (one of them is on day 2) so i asked “what animal would she be” with just a picture of her model. i was interested to see what 2 people who’ve only seen her once (in the intro) would think of her purely on vibes and brief dialogue. the first suggestion was “some kinda bird” and that seemed to stick.

a bit tall, a bit intimidating. so we threw out Herons, Ostriches, Peacocks…

Shoebill seemed to fit. I wanted a bird that was either grey or black, some kinda desaturated color but also one that was tall and a bit scary. Shoebills are definitely considered pretty scary. theyre also super tall and i remember saying in the call "these things are huge if i saw them flying i would cry." when it comes to shoebills, i imagine them towering over most other animals, especially with that neck and beak! they're also ambush predators i believe. shoebills fit Aglaya's first impressions perfectly.

i almost made her a Dalmatian... im glad i didnt...

Rubin, Skinny Pig

I wasn't even going to initially draw Rubin here... it started by me asking "who'd be a naked mole rat?" and the immediate answer was "Rubin..." which made me remember that he was bald LMAO. I figured that fit a little, and the original drawing was him as a naked mole rat. a few things werent quite right though.

first, digging. i cant imagine Rubin as an animal who's entire thing is digging around and being dirty, he's a doctor and, other than blood, i can't imagine he'd wanna be dirty...

second, social groups. as far as i know, naked mole rats are very social within their own circles? just from the early game (as early as the first 3 days?) he's pretty antisocial and seems to have a distaste for the Kin, even if influenced by grief(the emotion not the person). he even seems reluctant to be close to close friends.

and, of course, moles have to be saved for someone else... we'll get there. WINK

..i dont remember how Skinny Pigs came up, i think i was just googling them and thought they were funny since i have a friend who owns some.. i did a bit of googlin and asking my buddy in the call about skinny pig mannerisms.. theyre pretty...territorial? at least males to other males, theyre pretty aggressive as far as i know. this definitely fit Rubin. the OTHER reason for any kind of guinea pig was considered was because of the concept of "test guinea pigs" and not in a literal sense, but just the concept, because of Rubin's connection to Isidor. i will say i felt like the smartest person on earth when i thought of that.

also the cute ears absolutely influenced the decision.

Lara, Generic Ass Wolf

Lara was genuinely so difficult... unlike the other two, there were literally no suggestions being thrown out. my description was something like "maybe something small, cute, short tempered, but social?" and, for some reason, that was a tall order. my first guess was a mouse, but that wasnt perfect... we thought we'd have to turn to bugs and fish, though a lot of bugs and fish are hard to find personalities for.. at a surface level at least. we decided to save bugs and fish for other people...

and then, the suggestion of "wolf" came up, albeit reluctantly. when it comes to furry-fying characters, wolves and dogs are definitely...up there, in terms of "most used/obvious".. but really, think about it.

Believe it or not, wolves can be a little anxious, if not in a way that presents itself as anger/defense. this is also how i described Lara, "anxious in a way that presents as anger." also, wolves, while sometimes being a little solitary, are commonly in packs. which is...Lara's, like, Whole Thing. a house for the living etc etc..

I don't think i need to explain wolves too much either way. theyre The Furry Animal. whatever you know about wolves is probably true for Lara. it seems low-effort but trust me this decision took forever LMAO

and i mean...look at her. she looks like a wolf

*Artemy here is a bull because... yeah. that's the most obvious one. as #1 artemy fan i couldn't in good conscious make him anything other than a bull even if it's low effort idgaf... ill look at types of bulls for him later.

hope you liked my rambles..

[eorziapple]

(@driftward) Hey, actually, can we get a general character sheet for Apple and Pip? Like where they're from, what their parents were like, their primary job, why they adventure, maybe some special skills they have, current friends/close friends/more <3, where they live now, that sort of thing?

Lets do this!

Name: Apple Silverberg

Parents: Leon Silverberg (deceased), Lucrezia Formante, Jermaine Archembault (stepfather). Leon was a rebellious figure amongst the Sharlayans and a master Arcanist. A student of Louisoux and companion of the current scions, he was drawn to the study of history and cultures, spending much of his early adult life at the Sharlayan Colony in Eorzea, the continent being a prime location for his studies in the conflicts surrounding the war of the Magi. Lucrezia, on the other hand came from a rather poor background, and had made a name for herself as a fencer after stealing a blade from a Ishgardian merchant vessel and being caught in the process by the blade's owner, who took pity on the child and began teaching her bladework whenever her position saw her docked at the wild port town. Those skills saw her soon apprenticed on a pirate vessel within the Kraken's Arms colors. Her parents converged in a moment of fate when Lucrezia's ship was drawn into a conflict with Leviathan, which had been reported to be attacking vessels along the main shipping route to northern La Nosca. Losing much of her crew, and the ship's captain, Lucretzia rallied the survivors, rigging the ship to ram the worleater in a successful maneuver now known as the Sahagin's Folly. The two met in the wreckage of thier scuttled ships, Leon's research vessel having been sliced in twain a few hours before Lecrezia's ship arrived. They managed to ride some floatsam to a nearby island where they survived for three weeks before flagging a rescue vessel. Lucrezia discovering she was with child soon after, and Leon putting aside his grand designs to help raise their child. They doted on Apple, sparing no expense (Limsa's bounties on Primal Slayers were exceptionally high at the time) to see she had the best education they could provide.

Hometown: Limsa Lominsa primarily, but early schooling at the Sharlayan colony

Primary job: Researcher/Adventurer. Apple works for Gage acquitions in both the Gageverse and the WoLverse, the two mainly differ in the time Adventuring/Researching time split.

Reason for Adventuring: Apple's father was killed in Bahamat's rampage in Carteneau, taking the role of the original Warrior of Light. Apple was devastated, and frustrated by her lack of direction and promise. Not taking well to her mother's physical training as a child, the couple had ensured she would be well educated, but the young girl abandoned her higher education to join the arcanists guild, hoping to follow in her father's footsteps. Unfortunately, her innate Aether reserves were insufficient to advance past the summoning of a simple carbuncle, and she feared her lack of power would not allow her to make an impact on the world, at least not one as wide reaching as her parents. She took to her father's notes concerning the war of the magi, and in doing so came upon a rather interesting discovery in his diversions to Allag, and a type of militarized magical force that used enchantments to draw in and channel aether into some sort of crystal, using its power to reign destruction. Setting out to the field to track down what she could, Apple inadvertently came across a Mi'quote researcher named Y'shtola, setting her on a rather fated path...

Special Skills: Apple is an accomplished scholar in her own right, and one of the more knowledgeable historians, especially after awaking to her echo, which helps her piece out the histories of ancient civilizations she studies. She is a practitioner of the lost art of summoning, having studied ther creation of enchanted garments and especially the summoning horns, she can make up for her lack of aether by drawing it in from around her, making her a formidable magic wielder specializing in aetheric -control-. In addition she's become something on an aetheric artificer, reverse engineering ancient aetheric devises and even creating altogether new ones, which is her primary role as a researcher for Gage Acquisitions. In addition, she's classically trained on the harp and piano.

Current friends: All the Scions knew her father, and though many are around the same age as she is, her lack of experience and their connection to him see them taking the roles of older siblings to her at times, if not fatherly and motherly towards her themselves. This of course isn't the case with the twins, which, despite having the better part of a decade on them, have more of a peer-like friendship with her. Of course, all of her coworkers at Gage Acquisitions have earned her fondness, though she can be a little shy around so many people. She especially is good friends with the researching department, Zoissette, Rhysswyn, C'orette (though goodness she's a bit forward and out there!) and Aeryn. She has a particular fondness for Dark Autumn, who tends to be the responsible big sister of the organization in general, and taught her a bit about bardic magics. Of course, she likes her boss, Erick, but it feels weird for her to think of him as a friend and not a boss.

Current Apple facts: Apple lives on her house boat, which she currently moved from La Nosca to docking near Sharlayan while she studies there. She spends more time in her office at Gage acquisitions, though, sleeping at the facility herself in her office or several little reading nooks she ferrets away in the research lab. She recently became and Archon, her thesis being primarily on Allag magical theory and the art of summoning.

@autumnslance @biot08 @erickgage for the mention

Pip will come later in a reblog!

[blueiskewl]

A 160-Year-Old Cézanne Painting Hid a Secret

Cincinnati Art Museum's chief conservator Serena Urry was conducting a routine inspection of the institution's prized Paul Cézanne painting "Still Life with Bread and Eggs" when she noticed something "odd."

For an artwork dating back to 1865, the appearance of small cracks was no surprise. But they were concentrated in two specific areas, rather than distributed evenly across the canvas. What's more, they revealed tiny flashes of white that stood out in contrast to the brooding palette of the French painter's so-called "dark" period.

"I thought there might be something underneath that we should look at," Urry said in a video interview.

The conservator asked a local medical company to bring a portable X-ray machine to the museum, where a technician scanned the 2.5-foot-wide oil painting in several parts. As Urry stitched the series of images together digitally using Photoshop, she saw "blotches of white" that indicated the presence of more white lead pigment.

"I was trying to figure out what the heck they were... then I just turned it (90 degrees)," she recalled. "I was all alone but I think I said 'wow' out loud." When the scan was rotated vertically, an image of a man emerged, his eyes, hairline and shoulders appearing as dark patches. Given the figure's body position, Urry and her museum colleagues believe it to be Cézanne himself.

"I think everyone's opinion is that it's a self-portrait ... He's posed in the way a self-portrait would be: in other words, he's looking at us, but his body is turned.

"If it were a portrait of someone other than himself, it would probably be full frontal," she added.

Should that be the case, it would be among the earliest recorded depictions of the painter, who was in his mid-20s when the still life was completed. Cézanne is known to have produced more than two dozen self-portraits, though almost all of them were completed after the 1860s and were largely executed in pencil.

"We are at the outset of the process of discovering as much as we can about the portrait," said Peter Jonathan Bell, the museum's curator of European paintings, sculpture and drawings, over email. "This will include collaborating with Cézanne experts around the world to identify the sitter, and undertaking further imaging and technical analysis to help us understand what the portrait would have looked like and how it was made.

"Stitched together, this information may add to our understanding of a formative moment in the early career of this great artist."

Unanswered questions

Part of the Cincinnati Art Museum's collection since 1955, "Still Life with Bread and Eggs" was painted in a realist style — inspired by the Spanish and Flemish Baroque periods — that Cézanne deployed early in his career. He later developed a more colorful aesthetic under the guidance of Impressionist painter Camille Pissarro, before spearheading the more structured style of the post-Impressionist movement.

In the mid-1860s, Cézanne was developing a new coarse painting technique, often using a palette knife to apply color. But whether his hidden portrait was an experiment gone wrong, or whether he simply reused an old canvas to save money, remains a matter of speculation.

Another possibility, Urry ventured, is that the painter suddenly felt inspired and "needed a canvas" — a theory supported by the fact that he appears not to have removed much paint before starting work.

"It's pretty clear that he didn't scrape it down," Urry explained.

Many other questions remain, including the colors Cézanne used and how complete his original portrait was. Museum experts hope to analyze the painting using advanced scanning processes like multispectral imaging, which might reveal the underlying brushwork by assessing textures invisible to the human eye. X-ray fluorescence spectroscopy, meanwhile, could reveal which chemical elements are present and, thus, what colored pigments were used by the artist.

"We're hoping to reach out to colleagues in the conservation and curatorial worlds to see if we can get access to other equipment," said Urry.

For now, however, the museum is looking forward to putting "Still Life with Bread and Eggs" back on display. Since making the discovery in May, Urry has cleaned the painting and thinned the varnish on its surface. It returns to public view, alongside an image of the X-ray, from Dec. 20.

Further scans and analysis could entail transporting the artwork to another institution, presenting logistical challenges and meaning visitors to the museum might miss out on a chance to see one of only two — or arguably, now, three — Cézannes in its collection. "You can't just pop it in your car and drive it to Chicago," Urry said.

"The portrait has been there since he painted it, and it's been there since (we acquired it in) 1955," she added, "so there's no rush."

By Oscar Holland.

[babytaes]

afterglow

➳  summary:  You, too, lived in a colorless world, trying to connect with it. How long would you have to wait for that one to brighten it up and let you see the real world?

❥  pairing: wonwoo x female reader

❥ genre: angst, fluff, kinda soulmate au.....?

❥ word count: 7k (sorry, mans is my bias and I had to ;)

❥ warning: mentions of death.

➳ part of the song series

↳  Imagine a world like that,

We go like up 'til I'm 'sleep on your chest

Love how my face fits so good in your neck

You had a twin brother who was everything to you. Everything was always you two, from the endless amounts of laughter to the sneaky efforts to take Christmas cookies early in the morning.

With him, everything seems to be so colorful; in your lifetime, everyone was given a companion who may be a friend, sibling, or lover. It was simply something that you treasured. As a result, the alternatives were numerous.

You had no idea how much his life meant to you. He was your second half, and now you'd been split in half, with one gone and the other remaining.

Months passed, and your relationship with him became increasingly dimmer and dimmer. The brilliant hues faded in and out, with black and white patches becoming more prominent.

That awful day, unfortunately, was the last time you saw color. His light had faded from the world, and all that was left was black and white.

With him gone, your entire life seemed pointless, even your day-to-day existence. No splash of color to brighten things up.

“Y/N, I'll never forget you, big sister. Thank you for the enjoyable and considerate memories, and don't let this stunt your growth, please do that for me. As the beeper went off, he began to cough incessantly.

“Helpppp anyone.” As your parents draw you back into their arms, you hear many doctors rush into the room.

There was nothing they could do; his hue had vanished from this world. When you opened your tear-streaked eyes and examined your hands, you noticed that the formerly vivid cream palms had turned gray.

As if all colors were abruptly bleached out of the world, revealing a universe of whiteness—the rainbow, flowers, trees, and art, everything freshly bleached and pearled. The last vestige of color had vanished from your life, and you had been broken since then, heartbroken over the loss of your dearest friend.

“Y/n, hey you're good, we could use your help.” As you glanced to the side, you noticed that one of your employees had just spilled some water from the mop bucket.

As you approach their side, you assist them in mopping up the mess while sweeping aimlessly across the floor, making sure to get every spot. Due to your new life of no color it reflected on your life emotionally.

As the days passed, you became increasingly depressed and unmotivated. There wasn't a single day when you didn't feel mopey or lonely. It wasn't like anyone could help me; it was just the challenge of living a life without color.

Although you sincerely desired to overcome this phase of your life and simply find the right person to fill that void, life did not work in your favor at the time. Everyone around you seemed to be looking for or had already found their "person."

All you wanted was to find the person who could restore your hope and love, which had been taken away when your brother died. Your parents did everything they could to assist you, including setting you up on strange and ineffective dates that just added to your unhappiness.

Nobody could replace that color that your brother provided for you, or maybe someone could? 

"I'm off," you remarked as you pulled off your apron and clocked out in the back. As you stepped out the door, you heard a flurry of goodbyes before closing it behind you.

The world never shifted when the clock struck five.

As you strolled down the crowded streets, the sky before and above you remained grey, never letting up that cloak of shade. A melodious music gradually pours into your ears as you go down the bustling sidewalk.

You follow the dazzling yet tranquil sound of the guitar aimlessly as you imagine music notes flying through the fall air. You cautiously open your tired eyes and spot the crowd to figure out where these tunes are coming from.

Looking up, you spotted a swarm encircling a male, but you couldn't tell who it was. However, it was the music that drew you in; you'd heard that melody before. Even if you weren't musically inclined, you could hear that tune anywhere.

It was his, the one he wrote for you.

--

You dashed outside to see your brother strumming a tune on the grass with his guitar. Your brother possessed a talent for music. It is a condition that many people are born with, and you were fortunate that your brother was one of them.

He didn't go a day without making up or humming something he'd learned. It was frustrating to hear it every day, but it was still lovely to witness his enthusiasm for it.

“Hey, what are you cooking up this time?”  As he began to strum the guitar, he turned around and grinned at you. You couldn't understand what he was mumbling, but it sounded lovely as his fingers casually slid across the strings.

“I don't have the lyrics yet, but I'm sure they'll come. You laughed and nudged his shoulder.

“Just don’t go play at 3 in the morning. Okay?”

“It's not my fault that's typically when the inspiration comes,” he grumbled as he rolled his eyes.

As you raced away from him, you swiftly took his guitar, saying, "Well, I guess that inspiration will have to wait." He leapt from his seat and dashed towards you, yelling your name.

You had no idea that would be his final song; you regret not listening to the finished product; you never knew if he finished it. However, when you got closer to the enticing sound, you observed a young man strumming a guitar, and your ears perked up.

A slender man with long fingers and a quirky side smile, perhaps a musician, delicately touched a golden acoustic guitar, playing her ever so elegantly. You stand there, enthralled by the song, as his hands strum and tug the steel strings of the guitar. You take a cautious step closer to him in order to get a better look.

Allowing the music to take control of your body, you take a deep breath and allow an ounce of hope to creep in. From miles away, the formerly lovely and alive girl could be seen racing to you as you opened your arms to her.

You tried desperately to reach her before she vanished into thin air. The glint had disappeared. As you slowly open your eyes, you notice the man stop playing and gazes up at the audience.

As a smile crept across your face, the edges of your lips began to curl up. You'd forgotten what a smile looked like; you hadn't seen one in a long time, and it just felt natural. Even though he was gone, you could sense his presence. As you began to back away from the mob, tears began to flow freely from your eyes.

As you faded from his view and moved away from the crowd, the boy cast a peek at you. You swear you saw a glimpse of color rushing through your orbs, even if it was just for a split second. You couldn't tell if this was a joke or a new experience for you because you were more terrified than excited.

Could you trust that vision? Would they leave your life like he once did or would they stay? (IT)

Although you wanted to stay and figure it out you had somewhere to be and you didn’t want anyone to waste that special time.

(1 hour later)

Opening the rusted gate and looking at the wrought iron fences sends shivers down your spine as you are whisked back to that tragic day.

--

As you headed towards the pit, a crack formed in your heart. As they lowered his casket into the black abyss, the steady steps of feet carried it there. Countless shadowy figures form a procession, speaking in unison to pay their respects to the one you cherish. Your inner essence is corrupted by despair, and your heart bleeds like a river inside. Nothing could ever make you feel better.

As they began to fill the hole with dirt, tears welled up in your eyes, prompting you to lower your head. He didn't want you to be sad; he knew his time was coming to an end, yet he felt so safe in his final days.

He wasn't going to abandon you; he'd promised you that he'd left you something to aid you along the path. Even if that were the case, you never discovered it after four years. You rummaged through his room and tore it apart.

You quickly recognized that he was either joking or that the drug had taken effect in his brain and he was talking gibberish. In any case, you made a pledge to visit his grave every day from that day forward to keep him company and to keep yourself sane.

---

Clutching onto your bag, the leaves crunched beneath your feet as you peered about. You see specks of people strewn throughout the cemetery as you hear some speak in low whispers. It didn't take you long to find his gravestone.

You noticed the dead flowers drooping over as you took them out of their vase beside the tomb. Replacing them always brought joy to your heart as the sight of a fresh bouquet of flowers brightened the somber ambiance, which contrasted with the mold-infested tomb.

Taking out your cleaning supplies and speaker, you start working on his tomb while listening to his favorite music. As you hummed along with the song, your soft-bristle brush softly scrubbed the headstone in an orbital motion from bottom to top, carefully avoiding the fissures.

As you finished the soap, you began to rinse the stone as dirt and debris began to fall off the tomb. Although you couldn't determine if everything was off, you could plainly see the phrases and symbols, which was a good hint to stop cleaning everything off.

You wanted to do more for him and not leave any dirt on the surface. But because everything was gray, you couldn't tell, which made you sulk as you put down your brush. As you check the clock on your phone, you exhale a sigh of relief.

7:23p.m

Looking around, you noticed the stragglers had dispersed, leaving you alone as you gazed up at the sky.

“I hope the sunset looks beautiful today, I do miss it.”

The late evening sunset was the one thing you missed more than your brother; you had always admired how everything just flowed and fit together in the evening sky. It's almost as if someone began painting and simply let their hand float through the air.

As you turned to face his tomb, another smile appeared on your face, prompting you to go into your bag for something. As you placed down a cup for you and him, you chuckled at the bottle revealed beneath the sky.

“Lucas, here's to another day. It's been difficult in recent years, but today was a good day. I sensed your presence through the music of some random person; it was strange, but I'm glad I was there to see it. So thank you,” you say, raising your shot glass in the air and taking a sip.

As you heard a voice, you wiped a stray tear from your face.

“I'm sorry for bothering you.”

“Shit, what the hell,” you cursed the dark figure, startled and terrified. Who is there? As you squint your eyes at him, a male emerges from the shadows.

It's him.

----

You cough as you stand up and face the nameless man, he extends his hand as his glasses slide down his narrow nose, “Hi I’m Wonwoo.”

You take his hand in yours and shake it slowly, his grip firm until you let go.

“Hi..wonwoo? “I'm Y/n.” As the boy grinned at you, your voice was barely audible.

He takes a careful step alongside you and sits down close to your brother's grave, placing a case beside him. As you enlarged your eyes and sat down next to him, still observing him, the atmosphere felt reassuring but strange.

“I apologize for startling you; I didn't know that you were there. I’m not sure if your brother mentioned me but I was his friend, we used to write songs together.” As he turned to face you, you noticed the tall man attempting to cross his legs.

You shook your head as you began to gather your belongings, unsure of who this man was. For all you knew, he may be lying to you, so you needed to get out of there as soon as possible. You rose up and began walking away after securing the zipper on your backpack.

“Wait, you don’t have to leave. I can come back another time. I am truly sorry if I interrupted anything."

“No, it's fine,” you say with a shake of your head and outstretched hands.

“Are you sure?”

You walk away again, nodding your head as you hear his voice and a familiar tune.

You came to a halt in your tracks as you slowly turned around to face the boy after hearing a faint melody. As your ears perked up, you heard a low voice.

‘I stand still before you before me. I’m okay, not okay..” The lyrics faded out as you started to find your bearings again as you made your way out of the cemetery. As you stepped toward the road, you strapped your bag on, making sure you had everything you needed.

A girl out on a walk is something you can see every day, yet you were unique. You walked as if you and the road had reached an agreement, as if the concrete was more than eager to support your feet.

The road understood you.

*Ping*

The light of your phone lit up as you clicked on the message.

Mom: Hey sweetie, I dropped off some food at your apartment and did some tidying up. Get home safety. 

You: Thanks mom.

Her message brought back memories of days when you and her would cook together and simply bond over the end result. You missed it. Because you live in different places, you don't get to see your parents very frequently, yet they always made time for you.

I wish you could do the same; home is just too much for you to stomach, and you'd rather avoid it.

You reach the corner street after a few more steps, ready to begin your one-mile trek home. As you look back after exhaling a sigh, you hear rumbling on your feet. An automobile approached you, its bright headlights blazing directly at you.

You shifted to the side, squinting your eyes at the sight, and wonwoo greeted you again before you realized it. He grinned at you with his dazzling whites as he bent his head down.

what is with this guy?

Hey, hop in, I'll give you a ride. It's becoming late, and I don't want you walking through here.”  As you took a step back, wary of the stranger, he moved his hand closer to you.

“Um.. No-no I’m okay. However, thank you.” As you heard his engine trailing behind you, you began to walk faster. He followed you for a few seconds longer before you came to a complete halt and stared at him.

Through the windshield, you could see him smirk as he waved his hand to you.

“It'll be a lot faster, and if you're worried I'll kidnap you or anything, don't fret. I'm allergic to cats, and I'm a cat person myself. As a result, I assure you that I will not harm you. I just wanted to help a friend.” You moved over to his car, smiled a little, and hopped in, securing yourself with your seatbelt.

“If you do anything I have some bleach and I’m not afraid to use it,” he chuckled at you as he started the car and proceeded to exit the cemetery.

“You’re funny.”

As you gave wonwoo your address he proceeded to drive out of the rural neighborhood as you put your head on the window. You didn't realize it at the time, but you could feel his penetrating glances.

The car was quiet as the low sounds of music vibrated through the car. When you weren't driving, car journeys were the best since they enabled your mind to fantasize and paint over the enormous landscape you were seeing. That haven you built in your imagination calms you and makes you feel protected. The place where you may get away from reality.

As soon as your eyes close for the night, you hear him humming a familiar tune. Rather than remaining silent, you begin a conversation with him, inquiring as to how he learned the song.

“So how did you meet Lucas?” As he laughed, he cast a peek at you.

“Well, I met him at a college party a long time ago and discovered he makes music, so we used to meet up at a friend's studio and just create.” You lightly chuckled as a tear fell down your face as you nodded your head.

It was good to hear other people talk about your other half; it was almost as if he was there with you right now.

You were worried when he gave you brief glances since his eyes were off the road, but as he spoke, you felt protected because he spoke highly of your brother.

“Well, I'm not sure if he mentioned you, but the last song we were working on was one he wrote for you, and he said it was a gift.” As you turned to face him after hearing that final statement, your eyes widened.

“He—he said those exact words, a gift?”

As he rounded the corner and approached your apartment complex building, he shook his head. You could see his shoulder resting on the window sill as he put the car in park.

You hesitantly walk out of the car, stuttering as you gather your belongings, and turn to face him.

“Thank you for the ride; did Lucas mention anything else about the song?” “He wasn't quite finished with it, but he did give me and my other friend some crucial stuff to get it done,” he said as you pressed your face closer to the window.

Your heart began to race as you realized that things were beginning to turn around for you; perhaps this wonwoo boy was destined to be in your life. Lucas' way of demonstrating that he took great care of you.

“Would you like to work on it together sometime?”

Inside, it felt as if the creatures were finally waking up from their rehabilitation and making their way into the real world. Even if it took a while, this new form of relief made you feel alive again. You were adamant about working more to reclaim your color.

In some way, wonwoo was the key to it all. 

“Yes, a hundred times yes,” you answered, smiling like a kid in a candy store as you handed him your phone. “Just let me know when you're free.”

Wonwoo returned your phone to you, which you joyfully accepted and placed in your pocket. As you walked to your door, you waved your hand at him and cried out to him one final time.

“Thank you”

“For what?” As you entered the flat and locked the door behind you, you waved your hand at him. You let out a sigh and shake your head as you slid down to the floor.

“What a day” 

---

(4 weeks later)

It seemed like you and wonwoo had entered a very unique connection in the last few weeks. He made every effort not to cross any boundaries, both physically and emotionally. Regardless of the fact that you were his closest friend's sister, he was always respectful to you.

Even if that is what he sees from his perspective, you felt more alive when you were with him. Although you could still see gray and couldn't bask in all of his glory, it gave you hope that one day, whenever that time came, you'd be able to see him and everything else.

That was something you lacked previously: hope. Everyone around you including your parents could see a significant change in your life.

--

“Hey, honey, how's it going at work?” Before taking your purse, your mother kissed your cheek and opened the door for you.

As you met her at your old house, a smile emerged on your face. It was your first visit home in a while, and seeing you there brought joy to their hearts, despite the difficult years you've had.

“Everything has been going well, and I just wanted to drop by and see how you're doing. I miss seeing you and dad.”

“Is that my beautiful daughter, am I seeing things right?” your father exclaimed as he emerged from the back. As a tear trickled down your cheek, you watched as he raced over to you and hugged you.

As he stared at your face and admired it, the hue in front of you remained gray.

“Such lovely brown eyes,"  It pained your soul that you couldn't remember what they looked like since gray dulled everything and made you forget.

“Thank you, dad, but instead of fawning me, let's play some games. Just because life is bleak doesn't mean I can't be your ass at Monopoly.”

Your mother, gasping at your remark, watched from the back, her eyes welling up with tears as she marveled at a sight she hadn't seen in a long time.

“Moooom, don't start sobbing or dad will start crying,” you said as you turned around.

She comes over to your side and wraps you and your father in a hug, sandwiching you between them. It felt good because you were missing these times with your folks. You couldn't stay at home when your brother died; you had to leave and get away. Everything was just too much for you as things started to remind you of him.

You couldn’t take it anymore.

“I'm really proud of you for coming here and having the confidence to do so. I understand how difficult it must be for you, but thank you.” Through the loud sniffles between you all, you started to feel warm as you wiped your tears.

“All right, no more crying; let's get down to business.” You dashed over to the couch and snatched up Monopoly from the board game box, motioning for them to join you. They chuckled as you began to pull everything out as they made their way over.

As loud yells and laughter echoed out throughout the home, the night was fresh and enjoyable. There were times when you were terrified you'd lose, but you couldn't let your champion status lapse.

Your mother said, "Noo, you're cheating."

“No, I'm not; there's a house there, and you need to pay up or I'll put you in jail.” Between the two, your father snickers and keeps his mouth shut. He was well aware of the rules.

“All right, but that wasn't there before.”

With a chuckle, you shook your head and held out your hand, saying, "excuses excuses."

As you turned off your alarm, it rang at 8:00 p.m. You wouldn't have realized the difference between night and day if it hadn't been for alarm clocks. You jumped up in triumph after placing one more piece on the board.

“And that's why I remain Monopoly's ruler.”

You witnessed your parents give up as they lifted their hands in surrender. They both remark, "Fine, you win," as they begin to clean up the mess. Taking the stray cups and bowls from the tables you set them in the sink as you turned to watch your parents.

It's been a long time since you've been back here, and you've certainly missed the atmosphere. Lucas wouldn't want me to miss out on this opportunity.

“Why don't I come on weekends and bring back board game nights?” As your parents turned back, you uttered, "Next time, I'll bring a friend."

“Oh, it would be wonderful; the more the better.”

As you walked back over to them, you hugged them as they kissed your head.

“You go, we'll take care of this; the drive back is long,” your father remarked as he took your bag and handed it to you.

“Thank you guys, and I love you and the night we just had.” As you approached the door, you waved goodbye before closing it.

“No thank you, love,” your mother said as she and your father watched you leave the home and get into your car.

After one last look at the house, you back out of the driveway and go down the street, looking forward to the day ahead.

Studio day!

--

You yawn as your body startles you up after taking a deep breath of fresh air. As you slowly open your eyes and look out the window, you breathe a sigh of relief. Something felt different. The chirping of the birds outside made you feel cheerful, not sad.

As your vision remained a little lighter, you began to blink your eyes faster. It wasn't your typical gray morning, and you thought it was growing lighter. The gray was gradually dissipating. You grinned as you considered your color returning.

What prompted this?

It didn't matter because today was dedicated to finishing your song; you, wonwoo, and his friend Mingyu had completed all but the title. You stretch one more time before heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

When you get to the mirror, you take a look at yourself. The person in front of you had radically transformed; she had forgotten about her flaws and insecurities, and her heart now held more love. This woman didn't pick apart everything that was wrong with her; instead, she supported herself.

She was unrecognizable, and the old girl in the mirror was finally slipping away. You began to smile more frequently and laugh a little more, and the air around you became warmer rather than frigid. Someone's love had seeped into her heart and begun to unfreeze its hardness.

And that person was wonwoo, which you didn't realize until you looked in the mirror. If you've observed it, chances are that others have as well. And you were grateful for his help in getting you out of that gloomy situation. You were able to regain your trust and begin letting people in again, which made you pleased.

Lucas would be incredibly proud of you, and you didn't want to disappoint him again. You intended to honor his memory and keep him alive in your heart, rather than allowing the past to plague you and prevent you from living your life.

He would have wanted that. 

As you stepped inside, you turned on the shower and stripped off your clothing. You had to find a method to repay wonwoo for his compassion. You would not have gotten this far without him and his musical gift, and you were grateful for him.

"I could take him to our place," you offer as you turn off the water and grab a towel from the shower.

“Yeah he would like that.”

----

Work seemed to fly by as your mind raced at a hundred miles per hour. You had everything planned out and had recruited the support of your parents to help you set up.

Your manager tapped your shoulder and asked, "Hey y/n, you okay?" As you dropped the pencil, you flinched.

“Oh sorry, just spacing out.” He shook his head as he spoke out, “For the rest of your shift you can take off if you want, we’re going to close earlier than usual. If you're leaving, clean out the coffee machine and be on your way.”

You enlarged your eyes as your jaw dropped, and you raced into his arms, squeezing him tightly. Your boss chuckled awkwardly as he gently pushed you away from him. For some reason, everything seemed to be working in your favor today. As you rush to get ready, you begin working on the machine, your smile never leaving your face.

You sped to the back room, clocking out and placing your apron into your locker, as you were done in no time. As you walked to the front, you waved goodbye to your manager before heading to your car in the parking area.

“What's the matter with her? That's the first time I've ever seen her that happy. Hmm”

And with that you were on your way to your parents house as you sent a quick text to wonwoo. As you grinned as you placed your phone in the dash holder, you came to a stop light.

You: Hey cancel today's session, I have a place to go to. It may also provide us with better title recommendations. You down??

Wonwoo:) Yes, that sounds excellent; the studio can become claustrophobic. Send me the address and a time frame for my arrival.

You: *address name*. Bring your guitar and meet there in 2 hours.

Wonwoo:) Oh okay. Can’t wait to see you there!

(read 5:45 p.m.)

Even though you weren’t nervous you wanted everything to be special, wonwoo deserved it for all that he has done for you in the past weeks.

You let yourself go as you blast songs down the road, pressing play on your playlist. You didn't notice it at first, but the color was gently sneaking in as you drove around. As creams and beige colors drifted in and out, the outsides of your eyes began to lift.

As you turned off the headlights and opened the door, it didn't take long for you to arrive at your destination. You smiled as you got your belongings from the car and made your way up the hill, finding your parents already set up.

You drop your belongings on the blanket and walk up to hug them, saying, "Hey guys." As they begin to chat with you, they embrace you in a friendly hug.

“So we set up all of the essential elements, such as lighting, a seating area, and refreshments in the cooler and basket.” As she began to indicate the various components, your mother explained. As she brought you around the hill to the tree, she took your hand in hers.

“You remember when you and Lucas did this?” You laugh as you remember that day as you place your palm on the antique carving.

-- “Noo I'd like to go first; you always go first.” You sighed as Lucas took up the knife and began carving his name into the tree.

“You better not cry and tell mom,” he remarked, turning to face you and seeing your glum demeanor. As you passed past him, you stood up straighter, rolling your eyes at him and snatching the knife from his grip.

“I'm not a baby like you,” you say. As he huffed and hurried toward mom, you heard him scoff.

“Mommmm y/n referring to me as a baby. And I'm not one of them. You stood there watching as he stomped his foot and landed on Mom's lap. Your father chuckles, rubbing his back and shaking his head at his wife.

As you return to the blanket, you cross your arms and say, "Well, then, quit acting like one."

That erupted in an outburst as he started to whine on mommy lap.

He did, in fact, act like a baby. Wiping a tear from your eyes as you chuckle, you hold your mother closer as you kiss her on the forehead.

“Hey we have an hour left before wonwoo get here, I'm going to head to the house to clean up. If he arrives early, keep him entertained.” As she watches you descend the hill, your mother shakes her head.

As you pull out of the parking lot, you put your foot down on the accelerator and drive over to your parents' house.

(45 minutes later)

Wonwoo approaches the destination, looking out the windshield as he spots some lights on the hill. As he steps out of the automobile, he notices two people moving around. He smiles as he collects his guitar from the rear and walks up the hill, noting the serene atmosphere.

“Those should go over by the tree and make sure they don't fall.” Wonwoo enters the place, his eyes widening. Fluorescent bulbs fanned out along the tops of the trees, each with a different picture on it, surrounding him.

As he looks down, he notices a blanket with a speaker playing music and the champagne.

Your parents finally turn around, gasping, when your mother rushes over to welcome him, saying, "Forgive us, we didn't hear anything, you must be wonwoo." That's y/n father over there, and I'm y/n mother.” As she introduces you to your father, she smiles and gives you a motherly look.

On this magnificent evening, only a few minutes had passed when you approached the hill once more. You take a brief glance in the mirror before applying some Chapstick. Rubbing it in you open the door as you look up on the hill, you hear conversations as you panic up the hill.

“So this is y/n, she was quite the messy twin when she was a baby-”

“What are you doing, Mom?” You walk over to her, ashamed, and place yourself between you and wonwoo, speaking quietly to her.

“I said to entertain him not embarrass me.”

“Oh, you're overthinking things; did you know he's friends with Lucas?” You chuckle as you grab your father and mother and begin bickering as you force them out of the location. As they descend the slope, they wave goodbye to you and wonwoo.

Taking one look at him, you notice his amusing state; he was cheesing so hard that his rosy cheeks were visible.

“Sorry about them.”

“It's fine; all parents do it.” They simply adore you.” You cross your legs and shake your head as you sit on the blanket, passing him a wine cup.

“To another wonderful day and a wonderful friendship.” Wonwoo takes out the champagne from the cooler as he opens it and sprays the excess in front of you.

“Ahh, you're spilling it” As you giggle at his action, the extra juice pours on your face. You reach for a napkin to wipe the wetness off your face as he takes one in front of you.

“Here, let me take care of it.” He leans in closer as he wipes the liquid from your face before resuming his seat. As your stomach begins to become a #1 gymnast, that simple action sends you spiraling.

“Th-thanks”

He smiles as he pours you a drink for both of you, and as he does so, you grab his guitar box and pry it open, admiring the golden beauty inside. Picking it up, you begin strumming a few chords of the nameless song while moving your head to the beat.

“Wow, you're actually pretty good.”

“I did have a good teacher, Lucas taught me a few things, but I only recall a few chords, so it may become irritating after a while.”

Wonwoo hands you the glass as you take it in your hand, and as you take a sip of the bubbly drink, you hand him the guitar.

As you take another sip, your spirits lift as you stare out at the scenery in front of you. You hear wonwoo begin to play the tune while you stare off towards the colorless world.

“Ruinous imagination consumes me. Makes me dream sweeter dreams, I close my eyes but thoughts of you. Bring noisy night, to you & me, real and dreamy.” 

You sway back and forth as his voice soothes your body, his palm brushing over the guitar while his eyelids close, taking in the lyrics.

As you look up at him, you say, "Thank you." It's unavoidable, but tears stream down your face with no attempt to wipe them away.

“Th-thank you foreverythingyouhave-“ you say quickly and brokenly.

“Hey hey, calm down, I can't understand what you're saying,” he says as he scoots over to you and pats your shoulder. You both laugh as you start over, this time with more poise.

“I wanted to express my gratitude to you for genuinely improving my life. You probably don't know, but my relationship with Lucas was incredible; we were never apart, and when he passed, I couldn't live without him. I've struck rock bottom a few times and done some unfathomable things that I'm ashamed of, and I'm sincerely grateful that I've survived another day.”

Wonwoo drew you into a hug and caressed your back as he ceased patting your shoulder. As you sob into his shoulder, the tears begin to flow again.

“Sorry for interrupting, but it seemed like you needed one,” he says as you continue, releasing leave of you.

“To put it simply, you have brought me so much joy and optimism that I am overwhelmed. It's not the same without Lucas, but I'm grateful you entered my life at this point. So thank you; I don't know how to express my gratitude.”

You come to a halt as he looks at you through his round spectacles, and as you become concerned, you begin to look down.

“Sorry if I just spewed all that out.”

“No, it's fine.” I truly appreciate it, and I'm glad I was able to restore a sense of hope in your life. I may not be Lucas, but I will do my best to pay tribute to his memory.

You smile as you feel a wave of self-assurance and an overpowering sensation of bravery wash over you.

When you bring wonwoo closer to you and kiss him on the lips, everything inside of you turns on, and your body begins to feel alive again, exactly like it did before.

“I'm sorry I should have asked you first-“ You release him and lean back as you watch him.

He silenced your words with his lips as his hands wrapped around your neck.

Everything comes rushing back to you in an instant, like a blanket being pulled off of you. As you open your eyes again, you let go of each other. The difference this time is that you can see him.

As he smiled at you, you could see his cheeks flush with scarlet. You can see his silver rings around his slender fingers as his hands slip away from your neck.

You slowly turn around to face the sinking light on the horizon. As if a million scarlet petals have ignited, the sunset blooms on the horizon.

You expected the tears to flow this time as you stood up and walked closer to the cliff's edge. As you stared at the gorgeous view in front of you, you undoubtedly looked a mess.

You collapse to your knees and exclaim, "I can see it!"

Wonwoo approaches you slowly, bending down with you and holding you in his arms.

“See what?”

As you held him again, your snot-filled tear-streaked face turned to his.

“The color has returned, and I can see it now.” As he gasps, he pulls you back.

“Wait, are you serious, what color shirt am I wearing?” 

“IT'S GREEN, YOUR SHIRT IS GREEN!!” Wonwoo scoops you up and spins you again in an instant. You lay another kiss on his lips as you chuckle into his lips, unsure of what to do.

The clouds floated into my life, not to bring rain or storms, but to add color to the sunset sky.

He picks up the polaroid camera off the ground and takes a candid shot of you. After he pecked your cheek once more, he smiled as he wanted to remember this special day.

You send wonwoo off to find a knife from the basket as the photo develops. You observe him as he runs around the area like a child, and you smile as the photo develops.

You've probably seen images where the background is blurred and the only thing in focus is the subject of the photograph. That was us. Every other detail became hazy as I concentrated on every facet of him.

You didn't realize how fortunate you were until now; he was the special someone you had wished for eons ago.

Everything felt even better when your color returned, and you knew deep down that everything was going to be well.

It was all because of wonwoo.

Your brother left you a gift, the lovely gift of music, which was seen via wonwoo.

Yes, your brother had been your best friend, and yes, he had left you. But, as you found a great friend, the life he presumably wanted for you had only just begun.

You hoped that with him, you would be able to treasure the love you had just as much as you did while you were together.

“Hey, wonwoo, I have a song title, also follow me.”

As he began heading toward you, he turned around and looked at you. You've both arrived at the same tree that was planted many years ago.

He gives you the knife as you start placing your name under your past self. As he watches you cry, Wonwoo does the same.

*Forever, Y/n, Wonwoo, and Lucas*

As he finishes up, you grab his hand and stroll back to the blanket setup. He takes a seat beside you and wraps his arm over your body.

“So, what are your thoughts?” 

“Bittersweet, that's the title,” you said as you turned to face him.

“I love it,” he says as he pulls you closer to him with a nod of his head.

And with that, your brother's memory was carefully preserved, shared, and intended for all to hear.

“Lucas, I'll never forget you.”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

➳ Navigate to the Maze

[mk-wizard]

Fan Theories: Aunt May (Sam Raimi version) Figured Out That Peter Is Spider-Man

Hello, everyone.

And yes, I don’t just do Transformers theories. I delve into all theories about things that interest me. And today, I want to concentrate on a theory on one of the most iconic comic book mother figures May Parker who is more famously known as “Aunt May” who is Peter Parker / Spider-Man’s aunt and adoptive mother. Specifically, my favourite movie incarnation of her which is the one from the Sam Raimi films.

So the theory involving her is whether Aunt May ever figured out that Peter Parker is Spider-Man or not? Well, I think she absolutely did and I have evidence. Note that if you have not seen the Sam Raimi Spider-Man films, there will be tons of spoilers ahead.

We start at the first movie where I think she just merely had a hunch, but no solid evidence. You must recall that in these films, Spider-Man’s webs are organic meaning they come directly out of his body from his wrists not from any mechanized web shooters so we can rule out her ever finding any web cartridges or the shooters by accident in his room. However, it is not uncommon for moms (or mother figures) to feel the urge to spruce up their kid’s room a little. I speak from experience from my own mother and being one myself as sometimes, we need to vaccuum or pick up that lone sock or underwear our child always seems to forget in their room. Hey, the rules of boundaries only 70% applies to us moms, but I digress... before he donned the suit and was coming up with ideas for the one he would only wear for the wrestling match, she might have come across some of his concept art.

If she saw the drawing of the iconic blue and red suit, and then one day saw a guy swinging around New York donning it, she would most likely put two and two together that Peter had a connection to Spider-Man at least. Also, even if she didn’t, May was already suspicious of Peter since even back in the early stages of adjusting to his powers and before the death of Uncle Ben, she noticed that Peter was being strange. It is also possible that she may have caught a glimpse of Peter’s wrestling attire. Keep in mind that he wasn’t a vigilante yet and didn’t have the same sense of urgency to hide the suit from her . I’m sure he still tried to hide it because she would not approve of him wrestling, but not with the same amount of effort he did his Spider-Man suit. If you recall, he kept that one under lock and key or with him at all times.

In other words, she might have seen the wrestling attire and/or the drawings and became suspicious that Peter had a connection to Spider-Man, but that is as far as things go for now.

The second film is where I am 95% sure she has figured out her nephew IS Spider-Man and I can even pinpoint the two moments that served as evidence to the viewers as well as her.

During the famous scene where Dr. Octopus robs the bank, Peter runs away abandoning Aunt May which she herself vocally expresses her despair at his coldness meaning this is out of character for him, then the very next moment, Spider-Man comes in to save her being at the right place and right time. The entire heist leads to the events of Dr. Octopus taking May hostage and duking it out with Spider-Man. During all of this, May heard Spider-Man talking quite a few times. I am absolutely sure she recognized Peter’s voice or at least began to process that Spider-Man’s voice sounded like his when she was safe and calm. After all, she raised him so she of all people would recognize his voice better than anyone else.

I think the moment where she absolutely pieced everything together was when Peter confessed what really happened the night Ben Parker died and confessed that he was really as the wrestling match instead of the library. Aside from being very shocked that he kept this from her, I think something else hit her... the detail about him winning the match, not getting paid and then allowing the manager to get robbed and let the thief get away; this detail tells everything. How would a small fry like Peter have any chance at winning a wrestling match where even the amateurs are pumped? And yet, he did meaning Peter is indeed strong enough to take on a wrestler and there is only one person in New York who can do that; Spider-Man. Moreover, Peter revealed that he let the thief get away and this same thief wound up murdering Ben; this is a personal detail which would also serve as a motive for why Spider-Man came to be. When you put that all together as well as her remembering the drawings and the proto-suit, she figured out that her nephew is Spider-Man.

I am convinced that she figured it out because of how she acted after. Instead of acting hurt and angry, she acted shocked and looked like she was processing everything. I think that she was more shocked that he was Spider-Man than anything else, but didn’t know how to react to it hence why she just left the room. It also explains why she is so warm to him the next time she sees him. She has taken the facts in and now understand Spider-Man’s (Peter’s) motive for being a hero. May is unable to be mad at him because she knows he is serving a penance on his own time and is done a lot of good since then. Also, May is just a good person like that. She wouldn’t blame Peter for Ben’s death. If anything, she has become more compassionate to him than ever about always trying to do everything and seems to emphasize more than ever that he cannot do everything nor should he keep trying to. There is also the fact that since that moment, she has been giving him very wise monologues that are deep, but also very strange to say to an average Joe. May’s famous “I believe there’s a hero in all of us” speech was really her way of trying to subtly tell Peter to get back on the horse and be Spider-Man again because he made a difference in New York.

With all of this said and done, it raises the question; why didn’t May outright admit to Peter that she knew his secret? Well, number one, I think she knows Peter would just deny it so she didn’t want to waste her time. Also, May isn’t stupid. She has seen the threats Spider-Man faces and knows that if she goes around saying it openly, who knows who else could be listening? Also, she has the sense and respect to accept that this is not her secret to go around telling not even to the secret keeper in this case Peter. It is like finding out your kid is gay; it doesn’t change anything and you still love them regardless, but that doesn’t mean you should go around saying it. This is their personal detail and a good parent doesn’t go around airing out their kid’s laundry. It’s disrespectful and a huge breach of trust. Like I said, the rules of boundaries only apply to moms by 70%, but the thing about not going around telling your kid’s secrets or confronting them about them before they tell them to you still applies unless it is an emergency.

Anyway, this is just what I think and I want to know what you all think. Do you agree that this version of Aunt May found out that Peter is Spider-Man and just isn’t telling?

Let me know and thanks for reading.

[lokiondisneyplus]

Loki is the latest Marvel Studios TV series in the long-running franchise and it’s currently ongoing with five episodes so far available to stream on Disney+ Hotstar Malaysia. For previous breakdowns of Loki episodes, check out Episode 1 here, Episode 2 here, Episode 3 here, Episode 4 here and Episode 5 here.

If you want a non-spoiler guide to Loki, you can head on over here.

Courtesy of Disney+ Hotstar Malaysia, we were lucky enough to be the only Malaysian media to participate in a roundtable interview with Loki Costume Designer Christine Wada and Loki Production Designer Kasra Farahani.

This interview with Loki Production Designer Kasra Farahani has been edited for clarity.

Keep in mind that we’ll be discussing some elements from all five episodes of Loki so far, so there will be spoilers below:

Q: You’ve previously worked on Black Panther and other MCU movies. How different was the experience of working on a TV set instead of a movie’s? Were there limitations?

Yes, I’ve worked on several Marvel projects. For me, this is the most fun one, maybe because I’m in a different position than I was on the other ones. But also, just because this project is unique in a couple of ways.

Number one; it’s literally in its own timeline from the rest of the MCU. It’s separate from the stories we’ve all enjoyed and seen in the MCU so far. The other thing that this one has that’s really great is the amount of visual and narrative variety. We have this kind of base in the TVA that we spend a lot of time in but also we have all these exciting different places in the world that the story takes us to. These were great worlds to design and to imagine.

In our case, there was no difference. The thing about the Marvel series is that it’s pretty much like Marvel movies; in terms of their creative ambition, in terms of the way they’re scheduled, the fact that we have one director.

There was not much about it (Loki) that resembled an episodic project, except for the fact that it was six hours of content that we were trying to make, so it’s a very long project.

In terms of resources, I didn’t ever feel that we were unduly stretched. Always, when you get a creative brief like this, there’s always a period at the beginning of every project where you’re reconciling the creative brief and the resources that you have. That has been the case for every project that I’ve ever worked on regardless of the size. There’s this beginning phase where that’s the case and oftentimes, it’s in that process where you come up with some very great creative solutions that are a direct result of some of the limitations, actually.

Yeah, I wouldn’t say that we had some extraordinary limitations in this case (for Loki), but that’s generally true for all projects, in my experience.

Q: What were you inspired by when making designing the sets of the TVA with its retro-futuristic and anachronistic aesthetics?

In the source material, the TVA had a lot of different things going on, but one of the strong themes also was this armada of desks, which is kind of typical of a post-war era bureaucracy look. There was a grain of that in the source material but a lot of it also came from the show’s creator and writer, Michael Waldron, who described in the original document I read before interviewing for this job.

He described the TVA as a kind of mix of Mad Men meets Blade Runner. Part of these two strong visual references for us. On top of that, me and director Kate Herron, even before we met and spoken to each other, were inspired by Terry Gilliam’s Brazil also as a strong influence because of the anachronisms that that story had and also because of the clear presence of this strong monolithic bureaucracy, which is something that we have in the TVA also.

For the TVA, we were looking a lot at wanting to create a world that had a paradoxical feeling, being an imposing monolithic architectural space that has brutalist elements in them and had almost Soviet modernist elements to them. The colour palette and the materials and the whimsical patterning were much more like American style modernism.

The result was hopefully when you’re in an environment like this, you don’t know whether to feel terrified or invited. Hopefully, it creates that feeling in both the characters and the audience; this kind of cognitive dissonance in not knowing whether they can trust the TVA or not. That’s the narrative objective.

The writers came up with these ideas and the idea with that was to kind of create the bubble gum wrapper in the Renaissance era (Loki Episode 2) and the futuristic shovel in the early 20th-century farm field (Loki Episode 1). These ideas were placed there to create a trail of clues for the TVA to follow before they have clarity on Sylvie’s identity. But for the anachronisms generally, that was something we tried to do throughout the TVA to have all kinds of strange things from different timelines and different worlds popping up in terms of props, like the Infinity Stones in the mail cart and stuff like that.

Q: What was it like working with Tom Hiddleston, who is a producer on Loki?

It was very exciting to have this opportunity to take the character and his storyline in a different direction. It became all the more exciting when I read the scripts and I saw the type of journey they were going to take the character on.

Tom is a professor of Loki, basically. After all, ten years or so of playing the character; he knows it better than anybody and he has an in-depth understanding of the character and his backstory; the character’s family relationships and he was really helpful in giving a little talk to all the department heads about the background of his character, which was very informative.

Q: Recently, Loki series director Kate Herron said that 90 percent of production sets were physical. Does this include the world of The Void, and can you tell us more about how you brought it to life?

That’s true. That was what was unique about this show, because of my own design approach, and my goal in creating this large monolithic brutalist environment, I felt strongly that the sets needed to be built kinda wholly and that they needed to have the ceilings in-tact. This was also supported by Loki cinematographer Autumn, in that the way of her own style of photography is very wide and low-angled photography, which is why for both of our creative goals, it made a lot of sense to build these sets like completed and 360-degree environments.

For the TVA, that was almost always the case, with the exception of when you saw outside a window. With the Void (in Loki Episode 5), a lot of that was built practically as well. What I can tell you is that we build a large piece of this landscape on a soundstage, which was about 150 feet by 200 feet of undulating wilderness terrain. In that, we would bring in these different scenery elements on different days to make it feel like different places within the Void.

For example, one day there was the bus stop terrain where we meet Loki. One day it was the giant head. One day it was the drive-in movie theatre where we find Sylvie. All of these things were brought in and we shot there over the course of seven days. The terrain was designed in such a way that depending on what angle you shot, it felt like a very different place. Backgrounds were put in during post-production in visual effects. The Loki palace, where the Loki variants kind of hang out, the bowling alley, all of that was also a 360-degree built set as well.

Q: What was the most challenging set of the entire Loki series that you had to work on?

We had a lot of very ambitious sets but I think the city of Sharoo at the end of Loki Episode 3: Lamentis was a very technical set. The goal was to create this virtual one-in, that appears as a single shot. This was a very involved and elaborate process of choreography, basically.

All the different departments were involved to make this happen because as we watch the sequence, we see tons of actors running around, there are explosions happening, the camera’s panning up to see the planet above crumbling and asteroids pelting the surface.

There was a lot of planning that went through at the very beginning. We brought the paper models of this to Autumn, our cinematographer and creative director, to use to plan some of their shots. One day, we had some more information that fed back to the art department where we developed more involved and elaborate drawings and models which again, fed back to them. In this way, we had kind of an iterative conversation to arrive at what the design was.

So, as we start to build the set, many of the department heads came to visit and check the progress. We rehearsed what the shot was going to be, so we could exactly fine-tune the set to meet the needs of this shot and see where the edits needed to be. In order to do this, we needed to adjust the exact width of the roads or move a piece of scenery here and then figure out exactly, okay, there’s going to be an explosion coming out of the ground here and another explosion coming out of the building here and this is when the camera looks up to the sky and sees the planet explode. This is where the window breaks and this is where the guy jumps out and grabs him and there’s a fight.

There are many, many people involved; Monique Garderton, our stunt coordinator, Kate Herron, the director, and also the special effects team, and of course, visual effects, deeply involved, and Richard Graves, who is kind of our AD (Assistant Director), the circus leader of all of it, organizing everybody to kind of work on this thing altogether. It’s the sort of thing that involves so many different departments that it can only really be discovered when working in a big group together.

I would say that was maybe the most challenging technically because there were so many logistical parameters and so many moving parts.

Q: What are your thoughts on diversity in the production of the creative industry?

I think that it is critically important. As somebody who is myself an immigrant, I was born in Iran and my family moved here when I was quite young. I’m super happy to see the direction that the industry is going in. I think Marvel has been particularly excellent in providing leadership in this way and I honestly have to give a lot of credit to Kate Herron, our director.

Almost more than any other project I’ve been on, she prioritised inclusivity and diversity. I mean, lots of people, don’t get me wrong, it’s on every project and on everyone’s mind, but I think Kate went above and beyond because it’s so fundamental to her worldview and she’s such a sensitive soul in this way. One of the many ways in that it was such a joy to work with Kate and I’m very proud of the many different ethnicities we’re representing, and how many women we’ve had. In our art department, we had close to fifty men and women.

It’s important and leads to better creative results that are more fully realized and more representative of what the fans really want.

[shinjaeha]

itsay ep 3 (thoughts + spoilers)

itsay ep 3 fucking obliterated me so here i am with some more thoughts on this episode (drama) in general. this is just me being an incoherent mess bc my mind is basically just one long !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! after having watched this (once raw and again subbed). this isn’t an analysis, it’s literally me just gushing over the ep as i watch it bc boy oh BOY.

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT EVERYTHING HITTING DIFFERENT AFTER THE BOAT SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if i thought the tension in the boat knocked the breath out of me, this whole ep was that x10000.

they really started us off with a bang having continued straight off from last ep with teh smelling oh-aew’s hair, huh?? teh rubbing his face with the coconut paralleled with oh-aew smelling his coconut scented shampoo?? excuse me as i cry into my hands.

teh wasn’t willing to wake up early for tarn when she wanted to draw early in the morning, but when he sees that oh-aew wants to wake up early to study, HE’S the one that makes sure that oh-aew wakes up (and he stays up to keep oh-aew company, even if it’s just over the phone). then again when they’re at the resort...love that tarn realises that too. boy ain’t subtle. also, how is it even possible that they can have that much tension just speaking over the phone?? they’re not even in the same room and the tension between the two of them is so thick i can barely breathe.

the “let me know when you’re home”!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOYFRIEND BEHAVIOUR. as soon as oh-aew asked teh why he always asked tarn that, i KNEW they were gonna put that in there for him and oh-aew and i’m glad i wasn’t disappointed :))) the look on oh-aew’s face when he saw the text!!!!!!!!!!! the way he stopped in his tracks!!!!!!!!!

i already had a feeling that oh-aew was going to be the first one to properly realise and accept his feelings for teh based on the teasers (makes sense since he already knows he likes boys...he’s more sure of his sexuality, which would of course make it easier for him to accept based on that). seeing the way he used the ‘if you get close to him and he doesn’t move away it means he likes you’ theory that teh initially told him to try on bas with teh too was really cute. and the jealousy over tarn. i LOVED that we got to see a more petty side to him when he announced he was going to room with bas partly bc of how lowkey jealous/mad he was about teh and tarn talking over the phone. it left teh so unsettled and confused (the piano music was PERFECT in that scene), and is 510% something teh would have done too (based on the previous two eps). they really are a perfect match huh. but poor bas being caught in the middle of the two of them ;;;

i liked that a lot of this ep was from oh-aew’s perspective. i feel like we got mostly teh’s pov in the first two eps, so it was really nice to see things from oh-aew’s pov too. gave us all more insight into his personality and he’s honestly SO MUCH more flirty than i thought he was going to be omg. the potato chip scene where he just crawled over to teh and ate that potato chip all the while staring straight at teh, then lying on his lap?????????? teh was (understandably) flustered after that AND SO WAS I. i was not expecting that whatsoever. i was also really impressed with how honest oh-aew was about his feelings. i love that he’s stayed true to their previous heart to heart in the boat scene last ep where he basically told teh that he wanted transparency between the two of them. he’s sticking to that, and i admire him so much for being able to be that vulnerable and true to himself. i thought there might have been more confusion with bas, but it looks like as soon as he realised his feelings might have faded/that he was feeling things for teh now, he just went with it. i know in my last text post i said that oh-aew is usually the more cautious/pragmatic of the two, but i feel like when it comes to his feelings, he seems to be really in tune with who and what he wants (more so than teh). this of course makes sense bc he’s likely had more time to come to terms with his sexuality...which is what teh’s figuring out for himself now. on top of that, oh-aew’s feelings for teh are a lot stronger than the ones he has for bas. and since he’s also more certain that teh likes him back, he’s so much bolder in how he approaches teh. and teh, to his credit, returns that honesty too when oh-aew basically pushes him into acknowledging that there’s ~something between them (hammock scene). i was kind of expecting him to push away from that/deny it, but he didn’t. he’s obviously just a lot more confused with his feelings and still needs some time to understand them and process them fully. on a related note, hammock scene was so loaded and SO well acted by the both of them. the fact that they can move from playful in one scene too achingly intense in another always throws me for a loop.

another thing i really love about the two of them is how they push one another to be better. it’s that rivalry that makes their bond even stronger, but it’s also something that worries me for future eps ngl...

but i honestly feel SO BAD for bas...clearly, he likes oh-aew, and although oh-aew was initially confused with the two of them, he’s definitely more convinced when it comes to his feelings for teh. but when bas essentially asked oh-aew out, and oh-aew said let’s invite the rest of they guys?? he looked so sad and my heart kind of broke a little. it’s like watching the poor second lead in a kdrama. and tarn too :( i really hope that when teh accepts his feelings for oh-aew, he doesn’t keep her hanging on the way that most BLs tend to do. she deserves so much better than that. my heart really hurts for the both of them, but at the same time teh and oh-aew are just magnets being pulled together at this point. they can’t stay away from each other.

the scene where teh rubs the smell of oh-aew’s coconut scented pen (from what he’s written) all over his face bc he’s at his limit and can’t stand all those pent up feelings anymore, only to race out to their special meeting place on the beach????? the moment he sees that oh-aew’s there too and he chases after him entranced (and the smile on oh-aew’s face)????? the way the instrumental ost just swells the moment they see each other????? the way they tease and dance around another yet again?????  PURE ART. A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE. THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DRAMA I HAVE EVER SEEN. this whole sequence has to be my fave scene in this ep. god, that part where the camera closes in on them and they’re face to face before oh-aew steps away again had my heart trying to flutter its way out of my CHEST. THEY HAVEN’T EVEN KISSED IN THE SERIES YET AND THEY CAN REDUCE ME TO THIS. honestly, their power is something else. the fact that they can stir so many emotions in all of us just by the way they glance at one another, by the way they dart around one another barely touching...there are dramas/movies with multiple kiss/love scenes that can’t even create that tension and longing. it’s the kind of chemistry that burns you inside out. it’s so palpable.

the thigh massage scene had me CAPTIVATED (like all their scenes tbh) and then teh’s mum came to wake me (and the both of them) up haha. but for real, there’s just something so tentative about what’s happening. these feelings are new to them, and they’re easing their way into it. always toeing the line, but not overstepping it yet. it’s primal. they keep letting those feelings build up more and more and more. and you can always feel the way it’s leading to something else. and of course it leads into the next scene where teh’s tutoring oh-aew again but the atmosphere is so incredibly heavy, so tight, that they can’t contain it anymore (i mean, the fact that they contained it for so long when they’re teenage boys with feelings for one another is already astounding enough to me). teh tries so hard, but then the back scratch happens and...THIS ICONIC SCENE...i thought they were going to kiss then (before oh-aew turned around), but then we got something else entirely and the intimacy of it all. just wow. literally not a single kiss and it was one of the most sensual scenes i have ever seen in a BL. it’s just the way they get so caught up in one another. THE YEARNING OF IT ALL. this whole ep was just pure anticipation, and i have never ever wanted two characters to kiss more than i do these two. it’s the build up that gets me (idk if this can be considered slow build since there’s only been like three eps but it sure as hell feels like it!!!!!!!!!). then teh pulls away and it’s like a smack in the gut...but at the same time, i get it. he’s not ready yet. there’s so much for him to take in and he’s not there yet (not the way oh-aew is), and just like oh-aew, it keeps us all hanging on, so close but not quite there yet.

so much of this felt like this cat and mouse game between the both of them where one of them would advance, then retract...it makes the tension between the two of them even MORE overwhelming bc you keep anticipating something, and you get fleeting moments of it, but then it’s over by the time you blink. they keep toying with one another, but not crossing the line YET bc they know that that’ll change everything the moment they do. it’s such a testament to the writing AND the acting bc it’s the chemistry that bkpp have with one another that creates all of that push and pull dynamic, that yearning and desire. having to wait a whole week again is just devastating...i think next ep seems like it might be the climax?? i’m pretty sure it’ll be the ep where teh accepts his feelings (or at least won’t be able to hold himself back physically anymore), where all the build up finally properly erupts, but at the same time, i just know that the angst is going to start piling up and idk how to feel other than terrified bc i’m way too invested now tbh.

anyway, this drama is absolutely magnificent, and all i want to do is rave about how damn good it is. so high quality. it feels so fresh, like they’re reinvented the tried and true coming of age tale in a way, and we’re all just along for the ride. it transcends the typical thai BL story (and i now understand why they were hesitant to label this as BL when it really feels like it encompasses so much more than the usual BL tropes and story). one of my fave dramas of the year by far (BL or otherwise). it’s just a class apart from any drama i’ve watched before and ticks every single box for me. stunning in every way. down to every detail and every feeling and emotion. it’s so raw and real and i can’t praise what nadao and the team have done with this enough (and we still have 2 more eps to go!!). there’s just so much meaning in every little thing, and in all those little things you can see the time and care it’s taken them to make this.

[ais-n]

hello!! i just spent the past month or so reading all the icos books, scrolling through your account, and reading the notes you posted about the sequel on patreon. i’m absolutely amazed by this series and these characters, i don’t have words for how good of a time i had delving into this story. i started off loving hsin immediately and although it took me some time to warm up to boyd, he ended up being one of my absolute favorite characters that i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. i really think boyd and hsin and their story, along with the stories of all the other amazing characters associated with them, will stick with me for a long time. anyway sorry for the long message, but i just wanted to express my gratitude for these books—they helped me out a lot mentally after everything post-2020 haha. i did have a sort of question though!! how did boyd deal with the loss of one of his eyes? did he train with hsin to help adapt? how did he deal with the insecurities and frustrations that came with that loss?

Just in case - **ICOS SPOILERS / FADE SPOILERS** :)

Hi! Aww that's awesome! I'm so happy you enjoyed the series :) And that you were able to find all the content on it right away too. It's also really cool how things shifted for you over the course of the series - because that means it did its job with showing character progression :) I mean, not that it matters if people end up liking all the characters or not - but if you start feeling one way and end another, that's awesome because it means there was character development that resonated with you in anyone and that's one of my favorite things when I'M reading a book, so it's one of my favorite things for if anyone ever reads anything I'm involved in writing. So that made me really happy to hear, thank you <3

I'm gonna put my answer behind a cut just in case for spoilers :) Hopefully this thing doesn't disallow you from clicking the Read More link which once in awhile tumblr does.

Spoilers behind cut :D

Regarding his eye, it was obviously in many ways pretty life-changing for him. Even though Boyd and Hsin by that point were much better about communicating, and Boyd would want to lean on Hsin whenever needed, although I haven't written out anything from those time periods (so it may change when/if I actually do, as sometimes the characters do things I'm not expecting) -- I have a feeling Boyd tried to kind of hide as much of the downside as he could from Hsin. Not because he didn't trust Hsin - he did, unequivocally - but rather because Hsin had seemed so regretful and seemed to have guilt/worry when Boyd first woke up and learned he lost his eye. He didn't want Hsin blaming himself for it, and if Hsin saw it upsetting him too much he would have probably worried about how Hsin felt.

It did take him time to figure out some things - his depth perception was fucked, and he couldn't fight quite the way he initially had learned because of that, along with other things. He would have let Hsin see him relearning things when necessary because that's inevitable, but he would have tried to play off anything much deeper if possible. He would have wanted to see if he could handle things on his own first (in typical Boyd style) just so he could spare Hsin extra stress. He felt like Hsin had already lost so much; it didn't feel fair to pile anything further on him.

So Hsin would have helped with some stuff when needed, and obviously I'm sure they talked about things as needed too. It's not like the topic was taboo or Boyd was super sensitive to it. As much as it sucked, it was also just a thing he had to accept. So in some ways, he kind of just rolled with it the way he'd had to learn to roll with so much else in his life.

Where it really was most frustrating and upsetting for him was the way it affected his ability to work. Even though he felt and was fully capable of many things, certain jobs just would not hire someone with one eye, period. Their rules didn't allow it, or they just chose not to, or so on. Because they had to stay on the downlow, he already had limited options in the first place, and that made it worse. Then on top of that, having an eyepatch made him more memorable. Once he eventually got his glass eye, it helped a bit with that, but he'd always had an unusual eye color so without contacts and different hair color and all that, if someone were looking for him they could still potentially track him down. Hsin was also incredibly memorable so it was a worry for him as well. Especially when you put those two together.

I don't think we ever talked about it but in my personal opinion, I would guess that they probably talked about their plans for the different cities/countries they were in, whether one or both of them would stand out more, what sorts of income they could get, what sorts of things they could do, what sort of places they could live incognito, and so on.

I have always had in my mind that there was a period of time especially early on when Boyd was still healing and getting used to things, where he (as usual) tried to push himself a little too far a little too fast but Hsin stopped him because he knew how Boyd is and he knew if he was firm, Boyd would actually listen.

So for a time, Hsin was the main person going out to do things, get money, etc. There were hours Boyd would be alone wherever they were staying, and during that time all those doubts and frustrations and anger and insecurity and fear would come in. For awhile, I think he probably even drank when he was alone. Never to an addictive level or anything; just the actions of a man who felt depressed.

I'm sure some of his demons leapt on that--telling him shit like he wasn't ever going to have more worth than he did when he was used by Cyclone, or the Agency - shit like, maybe you're never going to be anything more than a valentine/whore for money in the future anyway. If people won't see you as anything other than the parts of you, and now the parts of you that are missing more than the parts that are there, maybe it's useless to think there's anything more of value in your life. That sort of negative thought process that you know isn't true but still buries its tendrils deep inside and twists.

The thing is, Boyd never really had much to call his own his whole life that people didn't attribute to others around him - one of the only things he had was his art. And losing an eye didn't make it impossible to do art, but in that beginning stage, it just felt extra awful to have lost something so integral to the one thing he had that was his alone, that hadn't been used and abused and destroyed by other powers in his life - it felt like maybe that just went to show he didn't have value other than what others assigned to him. Which is how the valentine stuff probably came to mind - through a bit of depression and also practicality, because he knew he could make money doing that if they needed it, even though it was the absolute last thing in his life he would ever want to do. But then the guilt would come in about not being able to do enough on his own, not pulling his weight, etc etc, and then the fear associated with all of these topics, and that's how the depression would have slid in and spiraled him down.

I always imagined that Hsin recognized how depressed Boyd was, even though Boyd tried to hide it, and eventually they would have had some sort of conversation about it all.

In my mind, somehow through that and any following conversations or actions or etc, Hsin was able to remind Boyd of all the things he could do still, rather than focusing on the things he couldn't. He would have reminded him that it was bullshit to think he had no value, and as for getting denied different jobs, it didn't matter - they were in this together, they'd figure it out together. He would have been able to remind Boyd to stop taking all the shit on himself and share the burden. And that Hsin didn't give a shit about any of that stuff - Hsin saw Boyd for who he was, and he loved him for that, and nothing would ever change that. Boyd would have probably told Hsin at that point he was afraid of Hsin blaming himself when it never had been his blame to begin with, and he never wanted to hurt Hsin, and etc. I imagine he told him that, but am not sure.

Either way, it would have reignited Boyd's stubborn streak and determination, and he would have been reminded of how much they could do together as a team. And how much they loved each other. And fuck the world, who cared what other people thought? He could do whatever the hell he wanted. He'd figure it out. He always had.

From then, he would have started working on things again - figuring out ways to fight that relied more on touch so his blind spot and depth perception were less of an issue (Hsin would have helped a lot with this), and he would have started painting and drawing again. It went from his offtime from Hsin being something dark and depressing to something largely productive. Obviously everyone still has bad days, but at least he was generally on the up. And they did eventually figure out jobs he could work too, or things he could do, so he wasn't just spending all his time alone when Hsin wasn't around. And so Hsin didn't have to have any pressure on him to do things alone.

I don't remember if I ever answered this question before and if I did, it's possible my answer was a little different. I often think about parts we didn't write down and I feel like I have an idea of how it would go, but until I actually write something down I never know for sure. We never planned for Afterimage, for example - but when we went to write past Evenfall, it became clear that was a thing that was going to happen, and so it did, and then things from that affected other things into Interludes, Fade, 1/27, etc.

So it's possible if ever any of these time periods are written down that maybe my view of what I think would happen ends up being completely incorrect or off. But right now, generally speaking, I imagine it went something like this.

Sorry for the long rambly reply!

[meditationwang]

Once a portrait of the Queen of England, the "Queen Use" portrait painter of Time Magazine exhibited in Shanghai

Original title: Once a portrait of the Queen of England, the "Queen Use" portrait painter of Time Magazine exhibited in Shanghai

The Italian painter Pietro Anigoni (1910-1988) was a realist master of the 20th century, and an "all-rounder" who combined classical and modern painting techniques. He is the "Queen" portrait painter of "Time", and his portrait works for Queen Elizabeth II are well received by the British public.

The new exhibition "Gazing-Realist Painter: Pietro Anigoni Exhibition" opened yesterday at the Shanghai Jiushi Art Museum features more than 50 sets of works, ranging from the ancient oily Tempera to the popular oil paint, Watercolor, then to sketches and sketches with personal characteristics, presents his comprehensive artistic career. The Paper has learned that this exhibition is also the second solo exhibition of a Western artist that Shanghai Jiushi Art Museum has ushered in after the Edward Munch exhibition last year.

Pietro Anigoni

Pietro Anigoni (1910-1988) is a famous Italian portrait painter. As a child, he moved with his family from Milan, Italy to Florence, and later received traditional art education and influence in Florence.

The exhibition hall, the cover of "Time" drawn by Anigoni

Pietro Anigoni

In 1927, the 17-year-old Pietro was admitted to the Florence Academy of Fine Arts, following the painter Felice Carina, the sculptor Giuseppe Griducciossi, the printmaker Celestino Celestini, etc. Study artistic creation. He inherited the fine traditions of the Florentine school since the Renaissance, used traditional techniques to express his familiar life, painted what he saw, painted what he loved, and did not follow the art wave of the early 20th century. The shape of his works is accurate, delicate and elegant, allowing him to work with ease in traditional and ancient painting techniques and creations. In 1932, the 22-year-old Pietro Anigoni held his first solo exhibition; in 1936, Anigoni received his first important mural project-the Convent of San Marco in the Medici. Since then, religious paintings, portraits and prints have become the main themes of his paintings

Anigoni "Self-Portrait"

Pen sketch of Anigoni's Self-Portrait

Around the age of 40, he began to travel to Britain, America, Asia and Africa to engage in artistic creation. During the period, he painted portraits for many celebrities in the West; and after exhibiting his works at the Royal Academy of Art, Anigoni became famous in the UK, and after 1954 he was given the opportunity to paint a portrait of the young Queen Elizabeth II , And the final product has become a world-famous portrait painting, widely loved by the British and even the world. The curator Ma truly said, “In the 20th century, the most famous were Dali, Picasso, etc., and then Andy Warhol, etc.. And Anigoni was considered an outdated figure because he was in In the era of artistic innovation, he used the Renaissance way to create. But at the same time, he still combined many modern and contemporary elements in his paintings, and many of the elements and scenes in his pens are also modern. He can adhere to this realism spirit. There are not many artists at the same level.

Anigoni in front of the newly completed "Statue of Queen Elizabeth II"

Today, Anigoni’s works can be seen in world-class art venues such as the Louvre in France and the Vatican Museums. He has also left many murals in churches and buildings in his hometown of Florence, and Florence is named after him. A square was opened to commemorate this outstanding artist. The "all-rounder" of realist painting The Paper learned that the exhibition "Gazing-Realist Pietro Anigoni Exhibition" hosted by the Shanghai Jiushi Art Museum exhibited 53 groups of works and documents of the Italian realist painter with 5 thematic clues The material presents his creative career.

exhibition site

exhibition site

Anigoni left a large number of outstanding paintings in his creative career. Nothing is more accomplished than portrait works. With the development of image technology, the recording function of portrait works has been gradually replaced, but the expression of spiritual connotation has become increasingly rich, rich in layers and intriguing, and Anigoni's portrait works fully reflect these characteristics. The exhibition displays a large number of portraits of different themes drawn by Anigoni, including celebrity portraits and portraits of ordinary people. At the same time, his self-portrait works will also be presented at the beginning of the exhibition, and the creation time will also span from youth to old age. A self-examined work can feel the changes in his psychology and spirituality at various stages.

Anigoni, "Portrait of a Lady with a Pearl Necklace", 1958, oil on canvas

In the exhibition, the portrait work "Lady with a Pearl Necklace" is his very famous masterpiece. The facial expressions of the characters in the picture are soft and natural, and the details of the surrounding environment are rich and harmonious. It is worth mentioning that among his portrait works, the most famous is the official portrait painted for Queen Elizabeth II in 1955 (currently in the collection of the British royal family). This work that stood out from many participants was not only deeply loved by the Queen herself, but also conquered the critical British people. The portrait was printed as a stamp for international distribution, and won the first name in the top ten most popular portraits of queens held in the United Kingdom in 2006 on the 80th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II. This exhibition exhibited his draft portrait of Queen Elizabeth of England. The simple outline of the lines made the queen's charm and temperament emerge.

Left: "Portrait of Queen Elizabeth" Right: "Sketch of Portrait of Queen Elizabeth", works on paper 1956, works on the right in this exhibition

"Portrait of Queen Elizabeth"

Exhibition site, draft portrait of Queen Elizabeth of the United Kingdom

At the exhibition hall, the exhibition board presents the portrait and stamps issued by Anigoni for Elizabeth II

In addition, the ancient and complicated oily Tempera painting technique is also one of the most outstanding parts of Anigoni's works. In the late 1920s and early 1930s, Anigoni studied oil-based Tempera techniques under the tutelage of Russian painter Nikolai Rockef. This technique can withstand the test of time and still maintain the original brilliance and characteristics of the original colors. Before the oil painting technique was widely used, it has been the most favorite creative technique of European painters. In the exhibition hall, the works "Self-Portrait", "The Hermit's Gathering-Anacoletti in the Desert" and "The Hermit in the Desert" were drawn by Anigoni with oily Tempera, with interlaced lines and brushstrokes and colors. The changes in light and shade all show his solid painting skills and superb creative techniques.

Anigoni "The Hermit's Gathering-Anacoletti in the Desert", 1947, Oily Tempera

Anigoni, "The Hermit in the Desert", 1947, oily tempera

In addition, there are many portraits and human sketches drawn by Anigoni in different periods in the exhibition hall, all showing Anigoni's solid modeling ability and realism skills, light, accurate, delicate, elegant and precise beauty. , In line with his oil paintings.

Exhibition site, Anigoni manuscript, portrait manuscript on the front and human foot manuscript on the back

Anigoni "Indian Sketch", Ink and Light Color, 1957

In Anigoni's sketches, he also used Chinese ink as the medium to draw many sketches such as "Indian Sketch", "Evening" and "Field". Ink and wash have also been used with ease in his brushwork, embodying his "all-round talent" exquisite skill in painting. Traditional painting in the present Regarding the meaning of insisting on traditional painting, Ma Zhenzhen said, “Many Italian critics feel that although Anigoni insists on an old creative concept, to a certain extent, his old style has affected a lot. Criticize contemporary contemporary artists. For example, Anigoni and Chirico are good friends, and Chirico is more famous for his'metaphysical' paintings. But Chirico was also influenced by Anigo in the creative process. Ni’s influence once returned to the creation of realism."

Anigoni "Portrait of Umberto Gunadano", oil on wood

Anigoni "Yolai", date unknown, wood board mixed material

"Anigoni is more of a person who inherited the past and the future, and inherited the Florentine school of painting, and the portrait painting that influenced a group of people at that time. The era in which he lived has already appeared in the media, including weekly magazines, magazines, etc. At that time, "Times" often hired him to paint portraits of big figures, in order to influence society from the perspective of illustrations in the periodical." Ma Zhenzhen said. "Can these traditional art works created with different painting materials give us some different information in the current context?"

Exhibition site The cover of Time magazine drawn by Anigoni

Realism shows great vitality and influence with its most "ordinary" beauty, "pure" emotion and "real" depiction. In the exhibition hall, the audience can feel the charm and extensive influence of realistic painting through these works. This exhibition is also the second solo exhibition of a Western artist that Shanghai Jiushi Art Museum has ushered in since last year's Edward Munch exhibition. The curator stated, “Western masters’ exhibitions are the most attractive to the audience. However, considering the positioning of Jiushi Art Museum, we still hope that through different exhibitions on traditional art, we can pass on the art to the audience in a popular way. Knowledge. Compared with the previous Munch exhibition at Jiushi Art Museum and the Monet exhibition where Jiushi participated in the cooperation, Anigoni appears to have some starry bleakness, but he also left a strong one in the art world in a special way. The artist of the pen. Its special way is to respect the tradition, to continue the tradition, and to further expand and promote the tradition." The exhibition will be on until May 23.

[anystalker707]

YOU

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader Genre: Angst / fluff TW: Stockholm syndrome, kidnapping Summary: [Inspired by the Netflix series YOU] Gerard kidnaps (y/n) after noticing his feelings aren’t returned.

"I know, Ray, but what the fuck can I do if I don't love Gerard back?" I release a frustrated sigh as furrowing my eyebrows to show it better how desperate I am about the subject. My eyes travel to the empty cup of coffee resting in front of me; I start playing with the small spoon next to it in an attempt of keeping a part of my mind too busy to freak out. "I know much he tries to show it or get me to love him back, but it just..." At the lack of the answer I look for, I wrinkle my nose. "doesn't tick off, y'know? I like him so much, but he isn't the one." And it kind of leaves me guilty knowing so, but I can literally do nothing about it. Pressing my lips together, I look at Ray without expecting an specific reaction, just showing him I really got no clue about what to do.

At first, there's no response coming from Ray, but he exhales tiredly a few seconds later, raising a hand to rub his forehead - I don't judge, we've been in this for long enough to Gerard confess to me in five different ways with a considerable amount of time between each confession. "It's just..." He chews on his bottom lip, seeming to be in a constant argument with his own mind as his eyes dart around the cafe, like if the answer for all of our problems would be in a random detail or a word coming from the other costumers while they talk. "He seems too in love, y'know? He doesn't even seem to be anywhere near accepting you don't love him back and it worries me. The higher you fly, the worst is the fall." Desperation shows itself across his features too, mixed with a kind of worry that's shared between both of us.

We know Gerard is a good guy. Both of us consider and like him a lot, as a friend, so it's difficult seeing him in such state. I don't even know how to act when he confesses to me and I need to do something that isn't too harsh, but doesn't give him any hint that I'm interested in him too. I'm constantly worried I'll do something wrong that ends up in him hating me or falling in depression or something. It's the dilemma the guys and I are facing now - Ray is mainly trying to trace a plan while Frank and I observe Gerard; analyzing the previous confessions, observing how he acts now and trying to predict the next one.

"I don't know how," Ray catches my attention once again, raising his eyebrows and locking a strong eye contact to show confidence. "but we're going to sort this out, okay?"

I'm even kind of relieved when walking back home after Ray and I said our goodbyes, but it felt like a brick was placed over my chest when I saw Gerard waiting for me, sitting on the sidewalk in front of my house. He notices me approaching when I'm about two houses away, so he promptly stands up and watches me expectantly, until I'm finally standing a foot away from him.

"Hi, (n/n)." Gerard says with a sweet smile, tilting his head as he gazes at me. "I was wondering if you didn't want to come over to mine?"

Oh, no... "Gerard..." I say in a hopeless tone, forcing a smile.

"Please!" His eyes widen in desperation, like if his life depended on me accepting to go over to his place. "It's going to be nice. I just want to talk with you. I promise I won't do anything you don't want me to, hm?" He furrows his eyebrows as looking at me through his eyelashes. Impossible to refuse.

.

Slowly, I come back to consciousness. Whatever, it's Sunday, so I don't need to be up so early, right? Shifting on my place, I shift closer to the wall to notice it's... different. The texture, it's like glass. Curious, I open my eyes, blinking them until I'm able to see clearly. And it's really glass I've got my forehead against. Wait, where the fuck am I?

The panic makes me sit up immediately to analyze my surroundings. This place... it's not familiar at all. It looks like a normal wide, dark bedroom and what catches my attention is a shelf - in which a lot of books and animation figures rest. My eyes avert to analyze the glass matter and I realize I'm inside what seems to be a glass chamber - inside it, there's a desk with some books over it, holes so I can breathe, the mattress I'm over and it's connected to a wall with a door on it. There's also a small compartment with doors on both sides, probably so things can be passed from a side to another. It creeps me out the way my shoes and jacket are carefully placed aside; like if someone wanted me to feel comfortable.

My analysis isn't able to go further since a voice startles me. "I see you're done checking the place." And, on a spot next to the dresser, Gerard leans against the wall with arms crossed over his chest and a calm smile over his face.

"G-Gerard?" I stutter, not understanding what's happening. Why am I inside this place? Did he lock me in here? No, he wouldn't. While questions continue to flood my mind, I slowly stand up with trembling legs until I'm against the chamber's door - which's locked - then place my hand against it, with my eyes fixed on Gerard. Blurry spots form themselves around my hand and on the place my breathe reaches. "Why am I here?" I ask weakly.

Silence is all I have until the male moves, stopping once he's in front of me. His extremely calm expression is confusing, not to mention how it looks... relieved or happy, I guess. "(N/n)..." Gerard blinks a couple of times in an almost disappointed manner. "I've already told you about it so many times... How can you still not comprehend it?" Even with me expressing how confused I am, his expression doesn't change much, only gaining a pitying touch. "I love you!" He demonstrates a confidence that gets me admired. "If I don't have you," Gerard's eyebrows furrow in a worried tone as he observes his own finger tracing my hand from the other side of the extremely thick glass. "someone else will," The fact sounds like if it's the worst thing in the world. "and only I can love you the way you deserve." His hazel eyes flicker over mine, somewhere between expectant and... dazed?

"Gee." The word is barely heard from above my breathe, disappearing in the quietness of the room - a complete opposite to my head, where loud, loud thoughts try to be processed, trying to answer all the questions that began to flood my mind in the moment I woke up. Gerard's smile getting wider right before he starts to speak again is what snaps me out of it. Nothing, and I repeat, nothing is able to stop the yells that come from my mouth, yells for help while the male explains something about making the cage comfortable to me in a way he even gave up on the his bathroom and some books for me. "Help!" The yell even hurts my throat as I release it through one of the holes on the glass, even slamming my hands against the surface a few times.

"No one will be able to hear you!" Gerard chuckles, watching me with entertainment and an adore that I refuse to accept. "The basement is made in a way who's up there" He points to above us. "can hear nothing from here and vice versa. I thought very well about this." About what? And, as if reading my thoughts, he answers: "About where to keep you, sugar!" He says it in an obvious tone. "I knew you'd ask for help because you won't understand it at first, of course, and I was right." His eyebrows raise lightly, demonstrating certain pride. "It took a lot of work to do that." He knocks against the glass. "Thankfully Mikey isn't home most of the time, neither does he come down here. You're all mine, sugar..." Gerard's voice gains a dark tone that scares me; his pupils dilating as they flicker over me.

My brain seems to have forgotten how to react properly to things since all I do is to stand there, looking at Gerard with tears pouring down my face nonstop. Impossible, impossible, impossible! Gerard can't have done that, he can't...

"(N/n)? Sugar?" Gerard called after what seemed like hours of me firstly trying to find a way to escape and exploring the bathroom - to find out there's nothing to help me either - then leaning against the wall and sobbing almost until my head hurt. He stands there outside the glass, pulling a Starbucks cup along with a paper bag to inside the compartment. "I brought you coffee and some of your favorite food." Honestly, I don't find any will inside me or secure enough to answer him, even more in a way I don't demonstrate to be weaker than I already show to be. He patiently waits for the reply that never comes.

"You need to eat, dear." The sweetness and care laced on his voice make my stomach churn - how can someone sound like this while doing something so cruel? "We don't want you all weak in there, hm?" By the corner of my eyes, I'm able to see the sickening smile. It takes about a couple of minutes until he finally moves, walking to his bed to sit by its edge, pulling a phone from over the mattress - the phone seems to be mine. "Also, don't worry about your friends being worried and all, because I already let them all know you needed to leave in a hurry because of unexpected family matters." As Gerard speaks, his eyes never leave the screen while his fingers work on pressing on it. "I'm liking and saving these band pictures for you because I know you like them so much, I'm also posting some little things like you do, so don't worry."

And why the fuck would I worry about that in a moment like this? What happens in his mind...?

And it's like this for a long time, around three nights, in which I watched Gerard's usual routine - he stays in his bedroom for most of the day, reading or drawing; he leaves before lunch and just comes back at night, after he probably solved all of his matters outside and spent some time with Mikey; sometimes he watches a movie before going to sleep or continues working on his art and the TV is on most of the time he's here, playing some popular channel or series in the background. The latter is honestly a good advantage since there isn't much to do in the cage. During the day, Gerard brings me things to eat - I also found clean clothes over the desk in one of the mornings - and is always trying to start a conversation with me.

Through the time, I concluded that if I want something to change, it being to get out of here or just the slightest improvement in my conditions, I inevitably need to talk to him. Something I learnt is that either I'm nice to him or there's no food. So, I've got to at least pretend to agree with him or something similar until he frees me. That leaded me to the current situation.

"Two movies." Gerard says, not even finished writing down the three games I mentioned some seconds I ago. He sits next to me by the other side of the glass with a small notebook and pencil in hands as I have my usual place on the mattress, having my back against the glass.

It gets me thinking for a moment, trying to decide something between what I like and what he likes, considering if I've got some kind of knowledge about the movies in case he wants to talk about it. "Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back and The Nightmare Before Christmas." And my answer seems to please him considering how he smiles, writing the names down with a nod.

"And finally," Pausing, his eyes travel over the sheet of paper briefly, probably checking something. "a series."

"Doctor Who."

Gerard is about to write down my immediate answer when he stops and looks at me with narrowed eyes. "Classic or current?"

"Classic." I answer confidently with a smile, making another one show across his lips as he writes down the answer. Of course he'd be pleased by it, I'm frequently seeing images of the Doctor, Sarah Jane and K-9 playing on his TV's screen, not to mention the books he's got on his shelf.

While Gerard reads what he's written in the past minutes - what's basically answers I gave him about my tastes in entertainment, from ten items to one per topic - I lean my head against the glass, observing him. Y'know, he looks kind of... cute like this. Some strands of hair are tucked behind his ears so they don't fall on his face; their dark tone contrast to how pale his skin is. The black shirt and Star Wars themed pajama pants give him a certain childish air that's increased whenever he cheers in excitement because of one of my responses. And he's not like the other kidnappers, y'know? The ones you see in movies or read about in the news. He's caring, cute. He actually cares if I'm eating properly, if I'm comfortable and if I'm not bored. I... I appreciate that.

My stare seems to be felt by Gerard and he looks up, his hazel eyes meeting mine with the same adore from days ago. His features soften when I raise a hand, resting it over the glass - he places his hand over mine then leans his head against the glass too, never breaking the eye contact. The moment is just comfortable, in a way I think I'm finally, for once, feeling okay while trapped inside the cage.

The following days aren't much different, apart from the fact I start really talking with Gerard. Like, normal conversations and friendly hanging outs, y'know? Sometimes he sets, still outside the glass, some pillows on the floor then sits on them with his blanket while we watch a movie of my choice and eat popcorn. We also continued playing small games like hangman or stop and, when he's out, I'm mostly distracted with a comic or book he gives me as music plays in the background. My favorite moments are when we're next to each other, still separated by that stupid glass, and talking about trivial things, like his day.

Sometimes I get to the point I forget my friends outside there, even if I like them a lot, and decide to let myself get lost in his hazel eyes. I think I never had noticed how beautiful he is until now. His skin seems to be so fucking soft and... I wish I could touch him. Hug him. It angers me how this stupid glass is set between us.

Thankfully, one morning, I'm awoken by the sound accidentally made once Gerard exchanged my used clothes for new ones, setting over the desk as usual. He stops himself from taking a step to outside the cage once hearing me calling his name quietly, in nothing above a whisper. It startles him and he turns around, smiling as walking backwards and pulling the door with him.

Wait, he's leaving? "No!" I call, fighting against the sleep that remains taking half of my consciousness, and sit up with an arm stretched towards him while the other gives me support to stay in the position. That makes him stop. "Please," I say hoarsely. "I-I need to touch you..." To show my need better, I move my fingers lightly. A confused glare is earned by me; looking around, Gerard throws my used clothes on a chair with his ones already covering it then leaves the glass door slightly open before moving towards me carefully.

"What's wrong, sugar?" His voice is all sweet and soft as he grabs my hand crouching down beside me. Ignoring that, I throw my arms around him to bring the male for a hug, which he thankfully returns - I melt in his arms as soon as he does that. So long. So fucking long since the last time I touched or was touched by anyone. Being involved by his arms is the best thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. Gerard is warm, he makes me feel better and... butterflies fly around my stomach. His smell fills my lungs like some sort of toxic substance, making the thoughts about him - that already fill my head permanently for a time now - go wild as I try to enjoy every single detail of the hug.

"Gerard..." And I can't even control how the words leave my mouth. "I love you, Gerard." I needed to say these words, I needed to. To let him know how much I appreciate everything he did, to express the way I need him like I need oxygen, how I need his touch. "I need you, Gerard." I say quietly, against the side of his face as I rub mine against it. My hands clutch around his shirt in case he leaves. But he won't, right? Well, I hope he doesn't. "You, you. I love you."

His chest vibrates due to the chuckle he releases, giving me a good sensation. One of his hands run up and down my side in an affectionate manner and he plays with my hair using the free one, clutching me close. Gerard's actions get me soft, melting in his arms. "I love you too, sugar. I've told you about it uncountable times." His lips speak against the side of my face, causing an amazing sensation as they move against it. "Only I am able to give you the love you deserve. You deserve the best." There's a soft kiss pressed to my cheek before he pulls away lightly - causing my grasp on his shirt to tighten - so he's able to lock our eyes in an intense gaze. "You deserve someone who knows you properly." And, finally, his lips meet mine in the best kiss I've ever experienced. It's so sweet and natural. Like if I'm in eternal thirst and it's the so much wanted water. "I love you too, (n/n)." The words are lost between another kiss we share.

[abysscontemporary]

The Dais Of Our Knives

Years ago At Sotheby’s

I ran into a journalist I knew from the art scene.

They told me they’d been away For six months Traveling.

We continued chatting.

As if they’d never been away.

In March 2020, I stopped by Team Gallery to see its Petra Cortright and Will Sheldon solo exhibitions. The adventure was extraordinary.

Cortright is typically known for her paintings, which initially look handmade but then reveal themselves to have been composed electronically and fabricated on a substrate. The synergy between the two is often pleasantly confounding, and the dichotomy between the tactility and the hands-off technique is perplexingly rewarding.

At Team, Cortright fabricated each layer of a digital composition that she had printed on a one-fold tabloid.  The layers were suspended from a procession of dowels, installed just below the ceiling. In doing so, she physicalized the display of layers that one might see on the computer screen of a 2D designer if such a designer were to isolate each layer on, respectively, a sequence of dedicated pages.

(Think of how Damian Ortega’s mobile of the principal components of an automobile was presented at the 2003 Venice Biennale.  Here, however, Cortright presents large-scale facsimiles of every single component of her two-dimensional work.)

Some layers were pure abstractions, and other depicted landscapes.  The irregularity of the shapes brought them into such sharp relief that they were rendered into still life objects.  Again, in an inventive way, Cortright found a way to bewilder and delight a gallery audience.

Will Sheldon’s paintings depicted scenes of either fantasies or highly embellished realities. The artist’s gift for conflating the two prompted me to alternately take in the entire exhibition all at once and lean forward to investigate and marvel at each work’s details.

It would be simple to categorize Sheldon’s paintings as being purely Gothic because so much about them is about observations of the present and visualizations of life in the future.  In the same way that one might recount about how during the course of a day they’d had a certain dream, promenaded through several neighborhoods within a town or a city, and contemplated a spectacular and speculative environment, Sheldon brings such narrative-like non-narratives to each of his canvases.  Some of the spider webs, if looked upon closely, are sparkling.  The scenes of the city (that arise behind the threshold of the dark forest that the viewer seems to be immersed within) exist in states of innocence – the kinds that one is unlikely to be cynical about.

As a painter, Sheldon has a remarkable touch.  His craft skills can be admired, and what they deliver are sublime, modern-day, transgressive, pictorial enchantments.

Also in March 2020, I visited Foxy Production to see its solo exhibition of paintings by Srijon Chowdhury.  Uncannily, many of this artist’s works feature an extraordinary surprise - a supernatural glow that emanates from the canvas as if it were both natural and fantastic (i.e., a specimen of fantasy).  Chowdhury’s works appear to be simply about flowers, figures in nature, and intimate family scenes.  However, through his subjects, his works are pulsating vessels – vehicles for vital forces.  In this, he shares one of two things in common with Mark Rothko; the other is that Chowdhury is based in Portland, Oregon, the city where Rothko lived after emigrating from Russia.

Chowdhury’s grand tableau, “Pale Rider,” is a commanding work that was presented on the feature wall of the gallery.  Measuring 7 feet high by 16 feet across, this painting has the power of a major work of medieval stained glass.  “Pale Rider” depicts a nude equestrienne, riding a galloping horse through a free-form landscape of colorful flowers behind the plane of a fence of green ironwork, formed by words and geometric, abstract shapes.  Here, the lady’s the one with the long mane.  As a guiding force upon this equine creation-in-motion, she is riding in a streamlined, recumbent manner and holding a scythe in her left hand, beyond the plane of the horse.  “Pale Rider” is other-worldly.  The artist’s attention to detail makes it worthwhile to look at the painting up-close. Threads flow through and around the fence, and the lushness of the greenery in the background conjures up the most exalted of spring and summer days.

In August 2020, I returned to Foxy Production to see “Sex and love with a psychologist,” its solo exhibition of paintings by Sojourner Truth Parsons.  It was like a blast from the early 1980’s, as seen through a lens of present-day thinking.  Modern and graphic – as in what it is that a graphic artist produces – Parsons’ paintings depict portraits in high relief of studio interiors, and stylized cityscapes.  They evoke the downtown Manhattan scene that had been brought to life by “The SoHo Weekly News” and the pre-Conde Nast “Details” Magazine.  They don’t directly reference the decade, but the feeling is there. What makes them so engaging is how Parsons appears to have assumed that what was once transgressive in that half-decade is now conceptually and practically settled culture.  The result is a very present symphony of beautiful technique and lively but simple colors:  powder pink, black, and sky or powder blue.

Parsons’ approach to depicting studies and finished works, as installed on the walls of art studios, is fascinating.  The representations of strips of artist’s tape and the works they support upon the walls where they’re displayed are endearing.  The shapes are subtly but distinctively choreographed, and the process of decoding what these forms are about is very rewarding.  The presence of the unseen individuals who live, work, and/or play in these environments is palpable.  A viewer is never alone while engaging with Parsons’ work.  Parsons’ works are rich in spirit and modernistically atmospheric.

In November 2020, I visited Hesse Flatow to see “Sincerely,” Aglaé Bassens’ solo exhibition of paintings.  As a follow-up to her 2018 solo exhibition, “You Can See Better From Here,” at Crush Curatorial, it was a pleasure to see this artist move upwards and laterally, as her vision and technique has ascended, and her range of exploration of subject matter and technique has expanded in unexpected and intriguing dimensions.

What Bassens captures are moments:  a burning cigarette butt, on a black surface in an ostensibly nocturnal interior; a car passenger’s view of an iced-over windshield and a dashboard on a winter day; a chaise longue and a matching chair (designed for poolside lounging), stretched out on grassy meadow, bordered by a forest, on an overcast summer afternoon.  Each of her works is clearly a representation, and each is unmistakenly a painting.

Without knowing the title of the burning cigarette painting, one could marvel at its details for at least an hour.  The wrinkled cigarette paper, the slightly crushed filter, the white-hot butt end, and the casually rising smoke are spectacles in themselves.  The black surface upon which the cigarette rests is implicitly a table – a plinth upon which this common object is, for an instance, ennobled; it could never be anything as profane as a floor.

To see the car interior painting and the chaises longues tableau is to sense the seasons the subjects inhabit and to witness how with an economy of expression and the power of suggestion Bassens’ paint strokes bring these scenes to life and invigorate a viewer’s awareness of her actions and the works’ properties.

The body of work exhibited here hangs upon an invisible thread.  Bassens’ paintings are portraits of the intangible.  To encounter her interpretation of a collapsed, wind-blown beach umbrella and her partial view of a pair of blue garden chairs, outside on a rainy night is to experience the creation and manipulation of her subjects by humankind and the forces of nature that bring them to entropy.  To witness Bassens’ mastery of her medium is to recognize the difference that paintings make as meaningful presences themselves.

In February 2021, I made a special trip to Marinaro Gallery to see “A Shift In the House,” a solo exhibition of paintings and works on paper by Lindsay Burke.  In 2017, Burke’s dynamic paintings were stand-outs at Hunter College’s second-year, MFA group exhibition, and the provocative, semi-figurative, semi-abstract paintings she’d produced for her 2018 debut at Marinaro were subversively seductive and sophisticated.  Burke’s most recent exhibition marked a turning point for the artist and, for art audiences, it represented a major highlight of the season.

Burke’s paintings revolved around the sleight of mind, eye, and hand in the conception, production, and reception of visual and physical creations.  Homes, details of fixtures and studio implements, and landscapes are depicted amidst levels of abstractions that alternately draw the viewer towards the recognition of overall patterns and minute and discrete details.

Close examinations reveal brush strokes that resemble the kind that are made as test markings – what an artist daubs on an errant surface before making a commitment onto an actual work-in-progress.  However, the marks that Burke makes are decisive.  They are closely rendered, and they are what altogether becomes each overall work, a marvel that is astonishingly self-referential.  They can remind a viewer of many things, but they are unique and exceptional unto themselves.

To compare Burke’s paintings to those of the modern pointillists would be reasonable but off-target.  More aptly, one might compare the paintings from “A Shift In the House” to those of Jasper Johns; taken individually and altogether, they can enchant and impress in their entirety, and from up-close, they can truly engage the eye and the mind.

In February 2021, I visited Microscope Gallery and saw “Transmutations,” a remarkable exhibition of works of sculpture by Yasue Maetake.  In its expansive location in Bushwick, Microscope succeeded in creating a grand tour of phenomena of great intrigue – highly unified works, composed of materials that existed on the surface of the mind (i.e., the recognizable) and those that existed in the deepest and most faraway galaxies of the imagination – the poetic and the unknowable.

They conjured up memories of photographs of expressionistic figurative works, produced in the mid- to late-1950’s – manifestations – as the writer of a Museum of Modern Art catalogue noted – of post-war anguish.  Maetake’s works, though, are elegant and poised.  Individually and collectively, they are almost baroque.  More certainly, they are dynamic.

Upon learning that portions of many of the works are composed of camel’s bones, I thought of Nancy Graves’ large representations of camels in motion, and the contemporary character of Maetake’s oeuvre clicked, establishing itself into place with the great shift that occurred in art in 1970 and propelled wave after wave of innovative concepts and practices in each intervening decade.  This body of work resides in the classical – owing to its profoundly pre-visualized and masterfully realized orderly character – and within the exuberantly enchanted space of the kinds of sculpture that could be made only today.

The harmony and the dissonance of each of Maetake’s works exist like movements in a symphony.  Their constituent elements are too fine to be called “components,” and they often draw in the viewer without ever really calling attention to themselves.  Her works are unique and exceptional, and they appear to be exotic, yet relatable and familiar.  To encounter Maetake’s work in this half-kunst-kabinett and half-lair was an extraordinary and memorable experience.

In March 2021, I visited Kravets/Wehby Gallery to see Allison Zuckerman’s solo exhibition, “Gone Wild.” Consisting of wall-mounted tableaux and free-standing works of sculpture, a high-spirited galaxy of new and captivating creations was on view in the same space where Zuckerman had made her sensational debut only four years beforehand.  In this new chapter of her ever-advancing journey, Zuckerman has pivoted from a variety of points and moved towards a greater sense of attention towards form and material.

The subject matter is still certainly there.  Her super-metamorphosed, female figures of the fine arts reign on each planet of a painting, and they appear to be syntactically oriented further out on the ends of the branches of the greater dimensions where she’s been venturing.  One of the most interesting exploratory movements observed here was the way Zuckerman intertwined “actual” painting with “virtual” painting in creating impressions that exceed each individually, and, in doing so, she enters the realm of orchestrating spectacle.  Stated in a more oblique way, Zuckerman is sparking the imagination, as directors do in cinema and expanded, live theater.

Alfred Hitchcock and Jean-Pierre Melville, for example, were adept at integrating visual sleights of hand into their films.  Although they deliberately showed the seams of montages in certain key scenes in their movies, they inexplicably created impressions that were undeniably effective even though they were more plausible than they should have been.  In Hitchcock’s “Marnie,” the scene in which Marnie appears to be in danger while riding atop her frightened, runaway horse, the tension is oddly palpable; the mechanics of the editing of the images are unexpectedly visible, but Hitchcock succeeds in generating the suspense that’s necessary for heightening the viewer’s engagement in the story and carrying the viewer forward through the journey of the balance of the film.  In Melville’s “Le Samouraï,” a nightclub owner is confronted in his office by hitman Jef Costello and is then seen pulling out his handgun first; however, in the successive montage, it is Costello who gets off the fatal shot that kills his intended target.  The sequence is startling, and it jars the logic of the viewer; nevertheless, the viewer comes to not only accept the results but embrace them, as Melville chose to confound the viewer by not making the sights and sounds of the showdown conspicuous or obvious.  The shock of Costello’s success and the miracle of his survival sharply impress the audience despite the visual and auditory discrepancies to which they have been presented with great suddenness.

In Cyril Teste’s stage adaptation of John Cassavetes’s film, “Opening Night,” presented at the French Institute / Alliance Française’s Florence Gould Hall in 2019, live acting is happening at the same time on the stage as video projections, many of which are sourced by the livestreaming video camera that is operated by a cameraperson who can be plainly seen by the audience but not acknowledged at all by the play’s characters.  The left wing of the theater-within-the-theater of the play-within-the play is only partially visible to the audience, but the scenes there are entirely seen and heard through the technology that’s at-hand. Likewise, scenes taking place entirely behind the stage set are interpretively presented for the audience; the action and dialogue there are heard, as they may be customarily received in certain film scenes, such as those that are spasmodically illuminated by flashlights in pitch black conditions (e.g., “Le Beau Serge,” “The Blair Witch Project”).  Alternately, scenes are also taking place at the center of the stage; they depict the actors playing characters in the play-within-the play and themselves, living out the challenges of their own lives as real people. The shifts from one mode to the next allow for the audience to interpret what’s happening and where.  Despite it all, the performances of the actors – notably Isabelle Adjani, as Myrtle Gordon, and Frédéric Pierrot, as Maurice – brilliantly carry the audience through the play’s emotional roller coaster ride with both traditional, live stagecraft (e.g., classical vocal delivery, effective physical presence) and the enhancements that Teste’s filmic interventions convey.

In reconciling the many techniques that Zuckerman brings to a viewer, the evidence of the means and materials in the production of her works may be readily gathered and assessed, but, inexplicably, they deliver a variety of unexpected and often wondrous sensations.  Each work delivers at one point or another in the viewing process a big payoff or a fireworks-show sequence of bursts of discoveries and unforeseen emotional responses.

This goes beyond the kind of examination that one might have while viewing the paintings of Giorgio Morandi or Diego Velázquez or the photographs of August Sander, as up-close and far-off perspectives of their works concern materials that are uniform throughout.  The experience of regarding what was presented at “Gone Wild” was about transcending the employment of both paints and digital substrates and arriving at the harmonies that have been enchantingly realized by the artist’s generation of a succession of spectacles in at a time and place where one may be anticipating something reasonable.

In late July 2021, I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to see “Alice Neel:  People Come First.”  After viewing all of the works in the show, I circled back to its “beginning,” and, from the center of each gallery space, I saw patterns of the abstract backgrounds of Neel’s portrait works, more or less lining the room.  It was something that one can only sense spatially within an actual exhibition space.

I’ve often spoken about how a painting exhibition is more than a collection of images, rendered on canvas, framed or unframed.  It’s the deployment of the works within a physical space that an exhibitor is presenting to an audience – and, by “presenting,” I mean gifting, treating, and delivering something special.

I’d been away from the Met for two years.

In seeing this Neel retrospective, it was as if I’d never been away at all.

Team Gallery “Petra Cortwrigth:  borderline auroroa borealist” 5 March - 2 May 2020 “Will Sheldon:  Trouble After Dark” 5 March - 6 June 2021

Foxy Production “Srijon Chowdhury” 5 March - 31 May 2020 “Sojourner Truth Parsons:  Sex and Love With a Psychologist” 9 July - 22 August 2020

Hesse Flatow “Aglaé Bassens:  Sincerely,” 22 October - 21 November 2020

Marinaro Gallery “Lindsay Burke:  A Shift In the House” 28 January - 28 February 2021

Microscope Gallery “Yasue Maetake:  Transmutations” 29 January - 19 March 2021

Kravets | Wehby Gallery “Allison Zuckerman:  Gone Wild” 27 February - 2 April 2021

The Metropolitan Museum of Art “Alice Neel:  People Come First” 22 March - 1 August 2021

Barry N. Neuman

New York August 2021

[twiststreet]

Congrats on catching up on One Piece. I've only ever read the early stuff but did you ever find it hard to understand what was going on visually? Like the perspectives being used or the framing of action. I was impressed something so (in a way) experiment was so immensely popular. 2) Did you ever get into 2000 AD? I read some Judge Dredd after the Burnin In Hell podcast and was so very delighted. That idea of competent genre comics.

On 1, yeaaaah, but. Yeah with a “but”:  But the thing that has a huge appeal for me with Shonen Jump manga in particular is it’s not quite the product of an art-first approach, like with a European album or some insanely-colored modern DC comic.  They’re producing 18 pages a week, in a highly competitive environment (reader surveys which are going to probably over-represent the interests of younger, story-facing readers).  So you’re looking at art (and artistic shortcuts which have evolved) that is just not fussed-over or where story and character are placed at the premium.   Which isn’t to say it’s simpler, necessarily, though!  Like, if you watch one of those Urasawa documentaries about manga, the artists in those things are hauling ass... but while often still achieving as high or a higher quality than what you see from slower American creators.   It’s just the product of a different mindset.

But whatever it is, for me the result is a less intense ask on a reader-side because I find overly-fussy pages kind of distancing-- particularly the kind of intense lighting effects you see in modern comics.   So there are sometimes panels I don’t love or don’t get, but it’s ... evidence of an underlying thing that I dig, I guess is how I put it...?  It’s the difference between art meant for a collector’s wall and art meant for readers...?  (Like, American comics just look different after you learn how important original art sales are, though that’s changed with digital but).

But yeah, One Piece in particular has panels that are “confusing” on the action side, but that’s part of the larger appeal, that ... there’s 1000+ chapters.  He’s hauling ass.  You can stop and gawk over a single page (and my phone and iPad galleries are filled with manga pages now that I can screenshot), but there’s 20,000 more of those pages ahead of you, so you better move it.  I have to keep moving and caring about the characters because the weight of comics makes impossible letting my mind drift while staring at how a guy cross-hatched an arm muscle just so.  Like, Dragonball, every fight is in a mountainous desert-- Goku is constantly trying to go to a Georgia O’Keefe exhibition he read about in the New Yorker, and being derailed by fights, I don’t know.  Because it’s not meant for a museum-- it was meant for kids.   

The other thing, I think manga is often trying to communicate how moments feel subjectively and with a more subjective storytelling “camera” than American comics which are constantly trying to depict, you know, the reality of the unreal.  The Alex Ross shit, or ... I’m not a Neal Adams fan and as years go on, I don’t see his influence as having been a positive one, in particular.  With manga, a confusing panel might be part of a larger storytelling tradition that I’m only half-aware of, where the confusion is intentional because ... the creator’s trying to communicate a confusing moment in a battle, or velocity, or a blur of figures shapes to communicate impact more than reality.  (Like in animation, for the parts where charactes move super-fast, the old-school animators would draw their characters with a 100 arms and legs on the screen in certain frames-- because at animation speeds, the audience viewer doesn’t process the visual from a what’s possible standpoint, just how it feels... And manga reads faster than comics, so...).  

You see that with Chainsaw Man more than with One Piece.  Chainsaw Man’s action scenes have panels that are crystal clear about who’s doing what to who and then other panels that are more in Chainsaw Man-mode that like... you get it without having to “understand” it.  Whereas... there are American comic dudes who learned to draw by hitting pause on weightlifting videos.  It’s a different philosophy... 

2) I didn’t like some of the early stuff I saw (Judge Child, Cursed Earth) but I liked Block Mania and Apocalypse War but I have a hard time with the sense of humor and I don’t love some of the later artists enough to have gone past that.  Dredd’s had super-legit artists like McMahon (!) and Ezquerra and I guess Brian Bollard (that was maybe his peak, Dredd-- I’m not super-into Camelot 3000 and not into Killing Joke at all, especially post him butchering the recoloring-- I liked his cover of Wonder Woman holding a plate of french fries for Bill Loeb, but).  But I’m not a Steve Dillon fan or I don’t know who all else, a lot of the later 2000AD artists leave me cold (but I mean... as compared to Dave Gibbons, on science fiction comics, so-- that’s a big ask to begin with)...

 But the bigger problem is with the sense of humor.  So like the “bog-standard” Dredd, I’m not so into because it’s like... “We’re here in a building named after Emily Watson fighting a guy who likes Nintendo too much” or whatever.  I guess.  Okay.  I l liked when actors would have their names spelled wrong in Mad Magazine when I was a kid, but that joke didn’t stay funny; Dredd’s three jokes aren’t that much funnier than that to me.  The British think only they understand irony, but then their comedy people ended up being TERF-y weirdos or whatever the hell is going on right now with John Cleese (kinda sad!), and it’s like, sometimes it gets  a person to wondering whether maybe letting those people have comedy after we won in 1812 was a mistake.  But new Alan Partridge by the end of the month, so ... it’s hard to remember the silver linings but they’re out there... 

The 2000AD I liked more was Invasion!, but mostly just the early chapters of that.  Early 2000AD has this super-legit crew of artists, but then the next generation of artists are more stylists and weirder (which is fine when it’s, like, Brett Ewins or Kevin O’Neal or whoever, but), still some solid dudes, but then... I just think you see a decline in the art, as time goes on...?  But maybe that’s me being ignorant, I dunno...  

But I think I’m the only comic hyper-nerd around my age that isn’t into that stuff.  Graeme and Jeff at Wait What have been doing a sister podcast about Dredd and like... I know it gets better after ... America?  One of those?  But... I hate painted art and a lot of that ends up in there and like aesthetically, it’s just more and more not my thing as time goes on...  Anyways, that wraps up my lunch break...

[sparklydreamies]

Stray Kids 8 Part Series ~ (3) Seo Changbin: He Laughed

Group: Stray Kids

Member: Seo Changbin

Genre: Light angst +hurt/comfort

Word Count: 4,000+

Summary: Don’t give power to merciless people behind a screen. 

Stray Kids 8 Part Series MASTERLIST

A/N: Hi guys!! Sorry it took me so long to post again, but I’m back, and hopefully I will be able to write more frequently! This story is centered around the changes in Changbin’s appearance and confidence from debut to now. I always feel bad writing members in pain, but this is the story I came up with lol,, I guess the moral of this story is that idols are people who have valid emotions and feelings, and we as fans don’t have the right to dismiss them and treat them like dolls. So on that note, thank you all for reading!!<33

All throughout his childhood, Seo Changbin had always been skinny. There was never much of a reason for his naturally slim stature other than genetics and a fast metabolism. It always seemed as though throughout his youth, he had never experienced the usual figure changes that a lot of his friends had gone through, whether it was the gain of muscle or fat. 

No matter how much food he ate, it never seemed to show on his body. There wasn’t a single part of his body that had excess fat covering the very visible bones. He could never grab a hold of any extra flesh on his body like some of his friends could.

As a teenager, he was always told that it was because he was a “growing boy”, and that he needed a lot of calories in order to grow big and strong. It wasn’t until he was in his early twenties that his stature began to change. He slowly became more muscular, thanks to his countless hours in the gym. Not only that, but he began to notice the faint gain of fat whenever he ate a lot without burning the calories. 

In a way, Changbin had always felt like he was blessed to be naturally slim. It was especially appreciated for someone in his line of work. Even after it became easier for him to gain fat, the company had never considered him “too heavy” for an idol. Muscle mass was a different story, however as time progressed, Changbin was able to build the perfect amount of muscle to satisfy the company as well as his fans. 

In short, Changbin had always liked his body. 

“Time’s up!” Doni called. “Put your markers down.”

Changbin didn’t put his marker down. Giggling like a small child, he avoided the attempts Jisung made at stealing the black marker from his hand, only stopping when the show host called him out on it. 

“Changbin’s naughty, he keeps cheating!” Coni laughed. 

This was what Changbin loved doing. Making a fool out of himself during variety shows, cheating during games with his members, and overall acting like a child whenever he could. 

“We should stop the show right here, Changbin ruined it for everyone.” Doni joked, and Changbin felt Jisung collapse on his back in a fit of laughter, nearly knocking them both off their stools and onto the ground. 

“Okay, let’s start with Felix! Show us your drawing,” Doni called, and Felix flipped the notebook he was holding in his hands around. 

The point of this segment was for the members to draw a portrait of how they perceive another member. 

The entire group as well as Doni, Coni, and a few of the staff members had burst out in laughter at the drawing Felix made of Jeongin. 

“Felix, you forgot eyebrows!” Jeongin whined from his spot. Changbin didn’t even notice the missing eyebrows; he was more focused on the teeth that were twice the size that they should have been. 

The segment continued on like that, and Changbin felt a swell of pride when the whole group laughed at his drawing of Minho, which looked so scrappy that a five year old could do better. Changbin was having fun.

It wasn’t until it was Jisung’s turn to share his drawing that his mood took a shift. 

“And this is my drawing of my lovely Changbinnie-hyung” Jisung giggled from his spot behind his muse. 

Changbin took in the piece of art before him. The hair was scraggly, the eyes were small, and the chin looked more like a “V” than a chin. 

Changbin laughed at the representation of himself. 

“Oh the chin! The chin!” Coni laughed as he made the shape of a “V” with his hands to mock the drawing. Changbin laughed. 

“That is the most accurate drawing so far!” Doni commented as he forcefully took Changbin’s face and traced the edges of his chin with his fingers. “Wow, Han is an artist!” Doni cracked as he high-fived Jisung. Changbin laughed. 

“He captured Changbin’s face so cleverly!” Coni praised, sitting back down on his stool. Changbin faked annoyance at the hosts and at his band mate. And then, he laughed once again. 

His brothers were practically howling at the scene, their voices creating a cacophony of sound ringing in Changbin’s ears. He was happy. He was laughing. So why did it feel as though his stomach was falling through the floor?

For the first time that day, Changbin had to forcefully plaster a smile on his face. He felt the bubbling feeling of embarrassment in his chest for the rest of the filming. 

A little while back, Han Jisung had been given a nickname by his fans. Less than a nickname, it was more of a cute comparison. His cheeks had always been unusually large and soft. Whenever he would eat, he would store food inside of them, making them more accentuated than they were before. It was because of this that fans had begun calling Jisung a squirrel. 

Jisung liked the connection. Contrary to how he presents himself, he had often struggled with accepting and liking his cheeks. He didn’t like the way they made him look younger and more boyish. He wanted to be perceived in a more mature and manly way. 

That was why when fans began to compliment and praise his chubby cheeks, it helped him become more confident in his face. 

Changbin had seen the improvement of Jisung’s spirit. Praise for Jisung’s cheeks from fans had helped him improve his self image a lot, and for that, Changbin’s love for his fans had only grown.

He only wished that he could experience the same reactions to his insecurities. 

Changbin wouldn’t consider himself jealous of Jisung’s full cheeks and round face. It was stupid to compare oneself to another person based off of superficial things like looks, however it didn’t stop Changbin from appreciating the younger boy’s unique features. 

The show aired on it’s planned date with no faults. Changbin watched the program on television, and was fairly proud of the results of the editing process. He had hoped that STAYs would enjoy the hour-long show.

After a few hours, Changbin opened Twitter so that he could get a sense of how his fans appreciated the show. Skimming through fans’ tweets, he noticed a few that stood out to him. 

Most of the comments were about Felix and Jisung’s aegyo, or Hyunjin’s random dance challenge. The deeper he scrolled, the more tweets he found about him. 

Normally, having a lot of tweets aimed at him would be an honour to Changbin. It usually meant that he was charismatic and funny enough to gain fans’ attention. That was why he didn’t understand the embarrassing feeling that came along with the jokes about his face structure. 

That’s all that they were. Jokes. People liked to joke about his chin, so why should he worry? Why did he feel shameful? 

Changbin’s stomach continued to drop with every comment he read about his face. Every time he saw that drawing of him, it was like another pin stabbing his chest. 

That night at dinner, everyone was talking about the show. The members were talking about the comments that they received, the fans reactions, and how they thought it was a really successful show. 

At one point during the meal, Jisung had shoved Changbin in the shoulder and laughed about the drawing that he made and how funny the fans thought it was. Changbin laughed. 

Changbin had always been able to hide his feelings well. Especially as an idol, hiding hardships is mandatory. Changbin was good at laughing. It was a sure fire way to make everybody think that you’re happy, when on the inside, it feels like you’ve swallowed a thousand bees. 

So that night, he laughed. He subjected himself to be the clown, even though it hurt him. Nobody needed to know about how he let his tears fall onto his pillow while they all slept. 

Changbin had thought about how he was working so hard to remain slim and skinny, and how if he were to gain just a little more weight, he could possibly make himself softer and cuter, like his brother Jisung. 

He figured that it was worth a try. Sure he might have to fight the company tooth and nail to gain the weight that he wants, but it was worth it. It was worth it to change how he looked. It was worth it to satisfy his fans. 

For the next few weeks, Changbin had let himself gain weight. He ate more and stopped trying so hard to burn it all off. He still worked out enough to remain healthy, and he was still trying to gain muscle, but whenever he stepped on the scale and saw that he was a pound or two heavier than he had previously been, he felt his heart swell. 

It was an odd thing to want to gain weight. Most idols would kill to be as skinny as Changbin had been, yet here Changbin was, trying to gain weight for the purpose of chubbier cheeks and softer edges. 

Eventually, it began to work. Changbin began to wake up in the morning to see that his face was rounder, fuller, and cuter than it had been before. The whole thing made him elated. 

It had gotten to the point where he was satisfied with his outer appearance. His chin was much less prominent. A less prominent chin meant that there was less for people to make their jokes out of. 

“Hannie, stop!” Chan shrieked just as Jisung smeared a fat glob of vanilla frosting on his cheek. 

All of the members were crowded in their living room, celebrating Bang Chan’s birthday with their fans. The energy level in the room was ecstatic. Some members were getting cake violently rubbed into their skin while others were trying to read comments and make the VLive as normal as possible. 

Changbin was in the middle of answering a question when he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind where he was sitting on the ground in front of the coffee table. Before he thought better of it, his head was turning and he was met with a face full of frosting from Minho. 

“Hey! Minho, get back here!” Changbin screamed, getting up to chase the nuisance around the room. 

Laughter filled the room and lit up Changbin’s heart. He thought that nothing could destroy his mood.

It wasn’t until the next day that Changbin had checked Twitter again. 

He scrolled through a lot of happy birthday wishes for Chan, which made him smile. He read a few of the messages, and saved the ones that he wanted to show to Chan. 

And then, he got to some posts about the live. Most of them were sweet and nice, there were some clips of various parts of the live including the moment that Changbin got his face full of cake. As he scrolled for longer and longer, he got to some comments that were less light-hearted. 

They didn’t like the weight he gained. Of course he noticed the comments from fans who had thought he looked healthier and happier, but no matter how many positive comments he saw, the posts from people calling him fat and saying that he was “letting himself go” were far stronger. The people calling him a pig and a fatass and ugly were too loud. 

Changbin didn’t understand. After everything he did to satisfy the fans, they still made negative comments about him. He once was too skinny, now he is too fat.

He knew that he shouldn’t listen to people who didn’t show their faces, yet to know that people were confidently calling him degrading names stung him deeply. He felt a hopeless feeling bloom inside of him, and it drove him mad. 

Changbin felt the first tear slip down the side of his face as the feeling of his chest collapsing took him over. His phone was thrown across his bedroom, the sound of a screen shattering as it hit the floor being the only identifiable noise in the room. 

He wanted to scream. There was no pleasing them. He hated himself. He hated the way that he looked. He hated himself when he was skinny, and he was beginning to hate himself now that he gained weight. But mostly, he hated the way that he was reacting.

This was the job, wasn’t it? None of this should be surprising to him. He had known about the malicious comments aimed at the other members for various reasons, so why was this so frustrating for him? 

Changbin fisted his hair to ground himself. He tried to count his breaths in his head, but all he heard was the comments ringing around in his ears. 

...He got fat...

...Has he stopped working out?...

Fucking breathe.

...He’s turning into a pig...

...Changbin’s face is so fat...

Letting out his first scream of frustration, Changbin shot up from his bed. If the fans wanted him to be skinnier, then fine. He would get skinnier. 

This was for the good of his career. Nobody liked an ugly idol, and if he is more attractive with a slim stature and a pointy chin, then he would work to achieve it. If he gained the weight, surely he could lose it again. 

The room was small, and it felt like it was getting smaller. 

Wiping the tears from his eyes, he threw open his bedroom door. Changbin grabbed his running shoes from the rack by the entrance, slipped them on, and took off from the dorm that felt like it was suffocating him. 

The night air was refreshing against Changbin’s burning skin as he sprinted down the street. Ten o’clock at night couldn’t be considered too late to go for a run, especially when the moon was shining so beautifully in the otherwise pitch-black sky. 

Changbin didn’t know where he was going, but he didn’t care. His lungs and legs were burning with the unexpected extortion. The sweatpants and t-shirt he was wearing didn’t make for good running clothes, but that didn’t matter to him. 

For a minute, he felt okay. He could even say that he felt good. For a minute, he had forgotten all about the fans and their vendetta against his happiness.

The wind had dried the tears off of his cheeks, and he just became another faceless person in the dark. Changbin didn’t think of himself as an idol, but rather a person who’s tight chest was slowly beginning to take in enough oxygen for his head to stop pounding. 

He didn’t know how long he ran for that night. His mind had cleared completely of thoughts, and he wore himself out. He didn’t even notice the warning signs of exhaustion before he was throwing up in a patch of shrubs. 

Slowly coming back to reality, Changbin realized he needed to get home. He wasn’t too far from the dorms, so once he gathered some strength back, he began walking. 

It was hard to tell how long it took him before he was trudging up the stairs and letting himself through the front door. He tried to be as quiet as possible.

The clock on the stove read 12:24. Changbin knew that if any of the members had realized he was gone, that he would be in a world of trouble. 

He took his running shoes off at the door and made his way to his and Felix’s room, expecting to see the younger boy playing video games or getting ready for bed. What he was not expecting was to see Felix sitting on Changbin’s own bed, frowning at the phone in his hands. 

Felix’s eyes darted up like a meerkat, relief flooding his features when Changbin entered the room.

“Where the fuck have you been!” Felix sighed, jumping up from the bed to pull the older boy into a hug, “I came out of the shower to see you were gone, you weren’t answering your damn phone, I was fucking worried you asshole!” 

Changbin repressed a smile as he pushed Felix away. “I’m fine, don’t worry.” 

Felix scanned Changbin, his eyes narrowing into suspicious slits. “Did you go for a run?” 

“Yeah,” Changbin answered.

“In... your sweats?” Felix fingered at the pockets of Changbin’s sweatpants, and the older boy swatted his fingers away. 

Changbin nodded and flopped down onto his bed. 

“Why didn’t you take your phone with you? I’ve been trying to call you,” Felix ran a hand through his hair, “Fucking hell,” he sighed. 

“I don’t know, Lixie.” As soon as Changbin’s head hit the pillows beneath him, he felt the exhaustion from his midnight run catch up to him. “You should watch your language, by the way.” he mumbled, cracking a small grin. 

“Changbin, seriously,” Felix climbed up beside him, “You’re fucking lucky! I was two seconds away from telling Chan, I swear to god.” 

Changbin looked up and saw the lines of genuine concern stretch across the boy’s face.

Felix had always been a caring person. He was always dependable, and he was really a true friend. It didn’t matter if Changbin was older, because he knew that Felix would always be there to protect him. 

Wordlessly, Changbin grabbed Felix by the arm and pulled him to lay down beside him. A fond smile graced his face. 

“Thank you for worrying,” Changbin whispered, “but I’m fine.”

Felix sighed. There was a beat of silence where Felix closed his eyes, and Changbin had started to think he fell asleep. But then, “Are you okay?” 

Changbin was stunned and confused for a second. “Yeah... why?” 

“You don’t usually go for runs. Especially not late at night.” Felix whispered. 

Changbin snaked an arm around Felix’s torso. “I was just having a bad day.” 

Felix was fidgeting slightly. It looked like he was fighting some sort of internal battle about whether or not he should say what he wanted to say. 

Changbin smiled at the nervousness. “What?” he encouraged. 

Felix’s gaze caught Changbin’s eyes. “Was it the comments? About your weight gain?” he asked in a small voice. 

Silence. There was no sound coming from anywhere in the dorm as Changbin processed the question. The smile that rested on his face immediately slipped away. 

“I... I saw them on Twitter, and they pissed me off, so...” Felix trailed off, lowering his gaze, “I mean you haven’t even gained that much...”

“I gained the weight on purpose,” Changbin said when he zoned back in on Felix.

“Oh...” Felix’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Why? I mean, not that you don’t look good, but like... Why did you want to gain weight?” 

Changbin thought about why he wanted to gain weight. He thought about Jisung’s drawing, the “V” face comments, the constant embarrassment around his appearance, and his own insecurities. 

“It’s stupid.” Changbin dismissed, but of course, Felix kept digging. 

“It’s not stupid. It’s just me, you can tell me.” he eased. 

Changbin sighed. “You know... how people had been making jokes about my face? And my chin?” 

Felix nodded, confusion showing again. 

“I hated those comments.” he whispered. “I just got so insecure about my looks after people began to make those jokes, and I just... wanted to fix them.”

When Changbin looked at Felix, he saw that the confusion was still etched onto his features. “But...” Felix started, “you always laugh at those jokes.” 

Changbin felt like shit for unloading this onto Felix, yet he continued to explain. “I’m good at laughing.” 

The boys sat in silence for another minute. Felix seemed to be mulling over what he had been told, and Changbin watched the look of confusion melt into one of realization, and then sadness. 

“I’m so sorry,” Felix breathed, “I... I didn’t know you felt like that. I would have never made those jokes.”

Changbin felt his heart crack. Felix almost sounded heartbroken, and it killed Changbin inside. 

“But hyung...” Felix said, “you know that you don’t have to fix anything, right? You’re perfect. Don’t let them get to you.” 

Teardrops were threatening to fall from Changbin’s eyes for the second time that night, except instead of being born out of pain, these tears were brought on by the overwhelming feeling of being loved. 

“Okay...” was all Changbin could muster the strength to whisper. He didn’t trust his voice, so instead, he leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on his best friend’s forehead. 

“You know what, hyung?” 

Changbin hummed.

“I have dealt with so much hate because of so many things,” Felix sniffled away his own tears, “first they were upset because I wasn’t fluent in Korean, then they didn’t like my freckles, then it was my voice, and I thought that there was just no winning with them.” Felix closed his eyes. 

Changbin didn’t even think about that. If any member was no stranger to criticism from online fans, it would be Felix. 

The thought was crazy to Changbin. Why would anybody go out of their way to hurt somebody as sweet and perfect as Felix? The thought of somebody actually hating Felix for his mess of pretty freckles still amazed Changbin. 

“But you know what I realized?” Felix continued, snapping Changbin out of his own thoughts, “It’s not my job to please everyone.” 

“What do you mean, Lixie?” Changbin asked. 

Felix opened his eyes again, “Like... I’m doing music for me, right? If people don’t like the way that I look or who I am, then that’s their problem, not mine. Get it?” 

Changbin was amazed. 

“How are you so young and yet more wise than half of the industry?” Changbin saw the light in Felix’s eyes, and it made him smile, too.

“I mean it still hurts sometimes, but... less now.”

Changbin agreed. He couldn’t see how reading vicious comments like that could ever end up getting easier. 

“But now that I know you get comments and stuff that hurt you too, maybe we could... help each other. When it hurts a lot, you know?” 

“Like you mean... I come to you when it hurts, and you come to me?” Changbin asked. It made him feel special to know that Felix trusted him enough to want to go to him for comfort. It made him feel like he wasn’t the only one that got happiness out of their relationship. 

“Yeah, something like that,” he answered. 

Changbin’s smile returned full force. 

Felix was like sunshine, Changbin thought. This issue that seemed so horrible and painful to Changbin, now seems less than half as terrible since Felix was there for him. Since now, Felix was there to comfort him. 

He didn’t care if it made him weak or less of a man, because he didn’t feel like he had to be strong when he was with Felix. Felix had always been comfortable in his emotions, and Changbin admired that about him. 

“If you’re happy with the way that you look right now, you should keep it this way,” Felix encouraged him, “because for the record, I think you look better like this. You look happier.” 

“I am happier,” Changbin whispered. 

Shortly after that, the two boys fell asleep in Changbin’s bed, happy to have the support of their best friend. 

Although it was hard at first, Changbin slowly became more confident in himself and his appearance to not care about how other people wanted him to look. Even when he slipped up, Felix always caught him with a hug, a smile, and a shoulder for him to rest his head. 

For a while, Changbin had to fake his happiness during videos and variety shows. No matter how much he repressed it, the worry of how his fans would react to his appearance was always dangling in the back of his mind like an itch that he couldn’t scratch. 

But it got better. Changbin found himself worrying less and less about what his fans thought, and more about what he thought. Over time, he didn’t have to fake his happiness. The fans had even noticed how Changbin’s growing confidence affected him.

And perhaps best of all, eventually began to laugh again. It wasn’t a fake laugh, or a laugh to cover his shame. It was a real laugh that honestly held his real happiness. And unlike how he laughed before, this laugh was the product of his self confidence and strength. No laugh could ever be brighter or fuller than his. 

[esabri]

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