#incorrect epic the musical quotes

[koko-blueturtle]

Hera, just looking up from the file: he didn’t do anything particularly bad in my book… but what did he do that’s even good?

Athena: he… is smart

Hera: unlike a certain husband of mine- I MEAN eh what else

Athena, running out of reasons: he can… talk… good.

Hera: aaannddd..?

Athena: he’s.. nice?

Hera: ok now you’re not even trying.

Athena: oh! He has only one kid because-

Hera: HE NEVER CHEATED??? LET HIM GO QUICK BEFORE HE CHANGES HIS MIND-

I know its obvious, but I love how Apollo and Hephaestus literally seemed like they were pulled out of nowhere and handed a binder of everything Odysseus did up to that point and had to come up with a reason to hate him on the spot.

At least Hephaestus sounded like he gave a bit of effort, skimmed the info and provided a fair argument with what he had.

Apollo was like the kid who started working on his homework while the teacher's collecting papers. Like "Huh? Wha? Odysseus? Oh uh" *flips files to a random page* "Pfpfpfprllflfrrr i dunno, he did something to some sirens and uhhh, they sing and i like singing sooooo...yea not cool"

Athena: But they tried to kill hi-

Apollo, already turning away and pressing the golden button: Yeyeyeyeyeyeaa he's aight he's aight release him or whatever can i go now-

[roseofithaca]

Penelope: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, I LOVE YOU, OKAY?!

Odysseus: The words are nice but the tone is scary!

[maybe-ody]

Poseidon: Having two partners is both amazing and complicated. But all our problems are solved with communication.

Penelope: It's my turn to cuddle Ody.

Poseidon: FIVE MORE MINUTES DAMMIT!

[mymotherwasateapot]

Hades can't catch a break.

First Odysseus sends him 600 and then shortly after, another 108.

I'm just imagining bro down in the underworld like:

"omg can you stoP it Odysseus, i literally jUst tidied up after the last bunch you sent rushing in!"

credit: art by @joanacchi on tiktok, comment by @o3o_lapd_o3o on tiktok (on tumblr as @o3o-lapd-o3o)

[thebat-musicman]

Odysseus: *lying, traveling, stealing, etc*

Hermes, the god of all those things: YOURE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

[thetiredprometheus]

Odysseus: I am no longer the man you fell in love with- hold up

Penelope: What's wrong my love?

Odysseus: wait here, I need to go back to the underworld and beat up a certain prophet, I'll be home for dinner

[zagreusapollyon]

Hades: Poseidon, please stop killing people, I still haven't even finished cleaning up you guy's mess after the Trojan war!

Poseidon: tempting offer

Poseidon: no. *leaves*

Hades: *sighs*

Hades: well, at least it can't get any worse than this.

A voice from the horizon:

"TO THE THUNDERBRINGER~"

Hades:

Hades: oh fuCK YOU-

[little-cereal-draws]

Odysseus: this is the worst day of my life

Athena, trying to comfort him: the worst day of your life SO FAR

Odysseus:

Odysseus: thanks

[firinnie]

Ok, but imagine Odysseus, who is miraculously on Olympus.

Odysseus: Sooo since no one of you knew me... what was your problem with me?

Apollo: Remember those sirens who wanted to kill you so you killed them? They were my favorite band man!

Hephaestus: Did you really sacrifice your crew who wanted to leave you on the island to die? What a waste...

Aphrodite: You really go to the war I started and your mom died in the process? How dare you? Have you ever heard of love?

Ares: Oh ok, ok. You would rather use your brain than get killed by a monster no one has ever defeated? Coward!

Hera: Honestly? I just haven't played Just Dance in a while, you get it honey?

Zeus: :)

Odysseus: ...

Odysseus: Athena, I want to go home.

[gotstabbedbyapen]

APPARENTLY Apollo would have been addressed more in the earlier Epic drafts (he didn't get more lines but he is honored in a song)

If the Ismarus raiding arc was kept, I wonder if this would be the beef Apollo would have with Odysseus in God Games. But then his priest (Maron) already forgave Odysseus so there's no point for Apollo to be mad anymore.

Anyways, I can see Apollo fighting with Jorge about the removal of this song.

Apollo: Keep that song. Keep it!

Jorge: But it'll make the musical too long!

Apollo: I don't care, you have to keep it! It has my name in it!

Jorge: No, I'm not keeping it!

Apollo: >:( *gives Jorge music block for a month*

[shadebloopnik]

Penelope: Would I fall in love with you again? Hmmm, well. Can you also move our marriage bed over there? Hmmm? What? I thought we were pretending to be stupid by asking the most idiotic questions.

[roseofithaca]

Poseidon: How will you sleep at night?

Odysseus: Next to my wife.

Poseidon: And do you think she'll be proud of you torturing a god?!

Odysseus: Dude, she's from Sparta. Me telling her this is gonna be like foreplay for her.

[maybe-ody]

Poseidon: *crying in the shower* Ruthless is mercy…upon ourselves…

[otherthingys]

I need the EPIC animators to make a quick series starting with Poseidon taunting Odysseus with the fact that he can’t kill a god, and Odysseus saying he knows.

Then there being flashbacks of his time on Calypso’s island and it’s just scenes of her trying to have a good time with him but every time she turns away Odysseus tries to pull off some Tom and Jerry style trap to kill her but they all fail.

I need this.

[mer-acle]

Reality TV girls night on Olympus:

Artemis: Can we not watch a straight dating show for once?

Athena: Can we not watch a dating show for once?

Aphrodite: :(

Hestia: Girls, find something that you all like.

Athena: ...Dating but with stupid games in between is fine.

*they find a show to watch*

Hera: I swear if this fucker cheats on her I will flip the table.

Demeter: Oh gods they have children the poor babies :(

*The couple fails spectacularly at a stupid game and scream at each other*

Athena: That was so dumb I am so close to a war crime.

Aphrodite, crying: You are always close to a war crime!

Hestia: What's wrong, honey?

Aphrodite: They're terrible to each other! I want them to be healthy and in love!

Artemis: Like I'm saying, fucking men.

Hera, downing another glass of wine: You are so right.

Athena: To be fair, they are both absolutely useless.

Artemis: APOLLO I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU!

*The door tumbles open and Apollo and Ares tumble in.*

Apollo: You never invite me for this stuff! I love Reality TV!

Ares: APHRODITE WHY ARE YOU CRYING, WHO HURT MY LOVE?

*Aphrodite points at the couple on screen*

*Ares smashes the screen*

Athena, massaging the bridge of her nose: Every fucking time.

[tostealtimefromthefates]

Odysseus: Love, if I died, would you get married again?

Penelope: That's a stupid question, I wouldn't let you die.

Odysseus: But what if it was out of your control, like I was run over by a chariot or fell ill or something?

Penelope: I would march down into the Fields of Punishment and drag you back out.

Odysseus: What if I was at peace in the afterlife, and didn't want to come back?

Penelope: I don't care what you want, you think I'm living without you? Are you crazy?

Odysseus: Awwwww. Wait, why did you just assume I'd end up in the Fields of Punishment?

Penelope: Have you met yourself? You're a heinous bastard and that's why I love you.