#is anyone following us actually a fan of DC? fuck if we know. our experience is limited

[mantisgodsdomain]

Batman fic is fun because it's one of the handful of fandoms where it's gone through so many reboots while retaining the same characters that basically any interpretation is canon-compliant. Even if you go totally off the rails to complete a totally new universe, there is no practical difference between that and what the actual comics do with reboots.

Fundamentally, Batman is already a universe made of a lot of people tackling the same characters from a multitude of different viewpoints, and from this position, fanfiction becomes less of a newer phenomenon and more of merely a continuation of the conversation between authors that was already occuring, an expansion from merely those being paid from their work to anyone with a passion for the franchise. In this TED Talk, we will-

[bigskydreaming]

Do you ever feel like you're pushing a boulder up a hill defending characters against the same whole-hearted misinformation that keeps getting repeated again & again as if it's canon? I tried 4 times in a chat thread where people kept insisting that Dick Grayson and even the Teen Titans were jerks to Jason Todd when he was Robin. I don't know how you do it. No matter what you say, it just keeps going. No canon is ever enough. Why are some fans so set on the idea that everyone ostracized Jason?

Ooof yeah, that’s a whole barrel of annoying. The big gripe for me, in both my major fandoms, is that so much of the misinformation comes paired with this contradictory insistence on how much people don’t give a fuck about canon.....even while willfully trying to reinvent canon to say what they want it to say, in order to back up their version of events or take on various characters!

Its like, if you don’t give a fuck about canon, THEN DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT CANON. Don’t TELL me you don’t give a fuck about canon, and then GO OFF on how canon does all these things that canon most definitely does not do, thereby casting MUCH MUCH doubt upon your claims of not giving a fuck about canon, and suggesting that in fact, you do give quite a bit of fucks about canon, actually.

Y’know?

fahsklfhalfhkafl

But honestly, I’m not the person to give advice on this front because oof, I make bad choices here. LOLOLOL, no but for real, I can’t really tell you how to just deal with this because I’m like, I do not have mastery of that skillset myself. I have however long since exhausted myself of any illusions about CHANGING the minds of people who are particularly insistent upon things that never happened informing their particular view of characters, because like.....the reality is, people who come into fandoms emotionally invested in views of characters that they derived from other fics or fanons, like......it doesn’t matter that those things aren’t canon, what matters is their emotional investment in this particular fandom is entirely bound up in those particular views no matter WHERE they originated from, and so most of them aren’t changing their minds any time soon because they don’t WANT another viewpoint, their original one is the reason they’re here and invested in the first place. 

BUT at the same time, everybody wants to feel validated in their viewpoints, so the more that viewpoint is challenged by people being like uh no, here’s a thing that says you’re wrong, look, its here, its clear, the facts say shhhhhh the marketing campaign for all the Hateorade you’ve drunk about this character is based entirely on The Sky Is Green If We Say It Is logic.....the more people are like, determined to prove they’re right, even if their own personal conviction ORIGINALLY was not dependent on canon whatsoever and it only retroactively started mattering to them not as a source point for how they view characters but like, rather, a data point for Here’s How I Can Still Win This Argument.

And here’s where being in a comics fandom gets really fucking annoying:

Because there are so damn many comics.

And like, a lot of people in comics fandoms don’t even read the comics, and say so - and I mean, this is fine? If you’re here for the characters you don’t need to be here for the comics, so if you don’t actually like comics, like don’t read the comics, just read fic. Its whatever. BUT the bigger issue in my experience is like.....people arguing about comics canon even when they haven’t read the comics, like....often project onto everyone they’re arguing with, like, their own stance on comics.

What I mean by that is a lot of the people arguing about comics canon even when they proudly haven’t read a comic in their life because there are so many where would they even start and also, eww, I’m not doing all that.....like....there’s this presumption evident in a lot of arguments that the same holds true for everyone else in comics fandoms.....that none of the rest of us have read all those comics either, because how could anyone? There’s so many of them!

Forgetting of course, that many of us come into these fandoms from entirely different trajectories. If you come into a comics fandom because of fanfics, or a cartoon adaptation, or the movies.....upon your first day in fandom, when you look at all the comics canon that’s out there, you’re like holy shit that’s a lot, nobody could ever read all that, I’m certainly not going to read all that, I’m going back to fics.

BUT for those of us who came into these fandoms from the direction of reading the comics......our perspective was entirely different, because it was never some singular monolithic VASTNESS of unread comics that nobody could ever tackle because where would we even begin. For those of us who were reading comics for years or most of our lives......its been a handful of issues a month, month after month, year after year, rather than all in one sitting.

So the point of conflict becomes the presumption from a lot of fans who AREN’T here because of the comics, that comic book canon is this untapped cornucopia of potential validation, Schrodinger’s Canon, it can be basically whatever they want it to be, because who’s to say it ISN’T? If they can’t read all of that, nobody can read all of that, so when you think about it, its entirely plausible that the thing they insist happened in canon actually DID happen in canon, SOMEWHERE in all of that.....because just because they don’t know where it is and can’t point to it as explicitly existing, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist either. Who’s to say, really?

Well. Umm. People who in fact actually HAVE read all or most of the RELEVANT comics. Like yeah nobody’s read every comic ever I bet, lolol, but for lifelong DC readers, canon ISN’T this vast uncharted territory that can potentially contain everything.....its actually quite charted, and there are people who absolutely do know what it does and does not contain.

And this I think is at the heart of the insistence on particular points of argument, like Jason was always perpetually mistreated and Dick and the Titans hated him on sight and that’s why the Knights of the Order of Protection for the Smol Jason Bean hate Dick, because he was a giant jerkface to a little kid who never did anything to him ever. Like it doesn’t matter how much we point out that no, this did not in fact happen and is untrue, COMPLETELY, like.....people who came into fandom because of fics about Jason in which the entire perspective upon his character is uniformly, with virtually no exception, that he was scapegoated by Dick from Day One and he and Dick will always be eternally at odds because of the remnants of what a jerk and failure of a brother Dick was to him at first.......like, I feel like there’s this conviction lying underneath all those arguments, no matter how much canon they’re presented with, that there still exists out there SOMEWHERE, some untapped treasure trove of panels proving what a buttface Dick was to his first little brother, validating everything they’ve ever believed and thought ever, because look all those depictions of Dick being a giant assbutt to Jason in fics had to come from SOMEWHERE after all, didn’t they?

Well, yeah. They did come from somewhere. They came from the writers who wrote those fics that way because they either just hated Dick’s character or they were working through their own sibling angst and projected certain dynamics onto the characters or someone told them this is what things were like in the comics and they didn’t know any different or just didn’t care or a hundred million other possible reasons for why they wrote them that way with none of those reasons being Cuz Canon Said So.....and then those particular depictions caught on and multiplied fruitfully like the offspring of rabbits doing it sans contraceptives.

Because its not like “perpetual black sheep of the family so unfairly hated, so misunderstood, especially by the family’s favored son, the golden boy” is a fan favorite trope on its own, regardless of whether or not the characters said trope is applied to actually FIT that trope.

So in the end, the painful irony was not only did canon have nothing to do with that trend, canon COULD do nothing about that trend, because the reasons people turned to it, despite how often canon gets brought into it....really had nothing to do with canon.

So tbh, my personal stance these days is the best defense to fic-borne and originating views of the characters and their dynamics is NOT canon, its....more fic. Fic that presents a counter-narrative to the ones that are so often the first thing people see when they enter fandom, and thus become engrained as Truth. So that there’s at least more variety out there, because where there’s variety, there’s varied points of view, and the more people internalize THAT, that there are variations to be found in how these characters relate to each other and their shared histories......the more people have to make a CHOICE about what variations they most want to adhere to, from among the OPTIONS they’re presented with, instead of just doubling down on the first thing that clicks for them, no opposition in sight.

And if these counter “Dick’s just the worst like what an uber asshole gonna give a five star rating for Sucking At Life to that guy” fics happen to be inspired largely by canon rather than fanon like....oh no, how strange and unknowable, that’s not the Process, we’re doing it wrong but hey whatever.

But does that mean its not still frustrating as hell to see people just parroting the Dick and the Titans were mean to Jason truism as fact, especially when you know damn well its not? Hell no. That’s annoying as fuck. But don’t worry so much about trying to change peoples’ minds, I say, and instead just find people who ARE open to canon or familiar with it, and just have a good rant. Its fun!

 Here, I’ll start:

UGH AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT THIS WHOLE “DICK WAS SUCH A JERK TO JASON AND THE TITANS ALL FOLLOWED HIS LEAD” CRAPOLA SUMMER SALES EVENT:

Where would that even have happened???

Like what really chuffs my chopped onions here is when people are so suuuuuuuure that the gatekeepers of comic book fandom are keeping the real juicy anti-Dick panels hidden every time they ask “Hey Siri show me proof Dick’s a jerkmonster to Jason”....because like...they’re just SO SURE these panels are out there and its like lololol but where would they even come from? 

Because everybody overlooks that in proper Dickens fashion, pre-Flashpoint Jason was a Tale of Two Jasons, the pre-Crisis adorable child of sunshine and whee, and the post-Crisis I have smoker’s lung at age twelve Jason......and these two Jasons can and do and are MEANT to co-exist within the same body! They’re the same Jason, in hindsight!

See, post-Crisis Jason only existed for like, less than TWO YEARS real world time, before A Death in the Family! People have this assumption that because of how rock-solid the post-Crisis origin for him is and how solidly that’s informed his characterization and stories moving forward, like.....there was this HUGE foundation for it back in the day that was built upon.....but no! We’re talking like, less than twenty four issues IN TOTAL. Post-Crisis Jason was a drop in the bucket compared to pre-Crisis Jason.

So why then, is post-Crisis Jason so much more firmly cemented in peoples’ minds than pre-Crisis Jason even though pre-Crisis Jason had way more material written about him?

Because for once in DC’s existence, they were SMART about a retcon. They didn’t TRY to pit post-Crisis Jason versus pre-Crisis Jason and make people pick between them. Post-Crisis Jason wasn’t an attempt at overwriting pre-Crisis Jason and making it so he never existed. Instead, what they did with their limited amount of time writing post-Crisis Jason was overwrite only two stories specifically: his actual pre-Crisis origin, and how he and Dick first met....and then they let everything else from pre-Crisis stay! It just got folded IN BETWEEN Jason’s new post-Crisis origin and everything that came after that, thanks to some handy non-linear storytelling and flashbacks.

So rather than Jason having two entirely separate storylines and directions, they still kept him at just one....and his post-Crisis origin and A Death in the Family became BOOKENDS surrounding not just the twenty issues in between those two stories......but ALSO surrounding ALL the pre-Crisis issues featuring Jason.....including the times he interacted with Dick and the Titans.

And that’s why there’s no untapped treasure trove of potentially vilifying issues showcasing Dick being such a can of Jerkola to Jason.......

Because post-Crisis only amounted to a grand total of like twenty something issues.....in which Jason interacted with Dick once and only once....the issue which ends with Dick giving Jason his blessing as Robin, his costume, and his phone number to call him if he ever has any problems with Bruce.

But simultaneously, because all those pre-Crisis issues still existed, were still relevant, were still in continuity (as evidenced by Jason himself when he came back as the Red Hood and fought Tim at Titans Tower, referencing how he was briefly a Titan himself.......aka those issues in which he teamed up with the Titans, which ONLY happened before his new origin)....we similarly know that it wasn’t like Dick and Jason never had any contact after their first post-Crisis encounter....we just never saw Jason use that phone number on the page AFTER that issue (because again, there was no time before he was killed off in the comics TO engineer another on the page meet-up, like both characters were busy in unrelated stories in the course of the mere year between that issue and ADITF). BUT by the power of retcon, we do know that Jason still must have used it at some point, or else Dick reached out to him again at some later point off the page......because Dick and Jason’s easy familiarity with each other pre-Crisis STILL EXISTED AS WELL. They had a sibling relationship post-Crisis because they had a sibling relationship pre-Crisis...AND IT WAS THE SAME RELATIONSHIP.

And this is Part Two of why no untapped treasure trove of Jerk Dick and Poor Jason panels exists......because other than that one post-Crisis issue, all their other interactions hail from the pre-Crisis era....where Dick adored Jason and so did the rest of the Titans.

Jason wasn’t resentful of the Titans or scared of them or nursing grudges, he thought getting to hang out with his big brother’s friends WAS THE COOLEST FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD and you could practically see him bouncing on the page the times it happened. He glowed when Dick would ruffle his hair playfully or compliment him, and the Titans’ collective energy towards Jason was very much OH OUR FRIEND’S BABY BRO IS THE MOST ADORABLE SMALL CHILD EVER AND WE WILL PROTECT HIM WITH OUR LIVES.

Like people WILLFULLY misconstrue this one issue where Jason teamed up with the Original Titans other than Dick for a mission against Cheshire, and claim like “oh see, this is the proof that the Titans were mean to Jason because of Dick, they kept giving him shit for not being Dick and hated him for replacing Dick....” which omg noooooooooooo, that is so odiously NOT what happened in that issue. First off, NOBODY blamed Jason for replacing Dick back then, because at the time those issues were written, he DIDN’T....this was when Dick had given Robin to Jason himself, when choosing to move on as Nightwing. And even RETROACTIVELY looking at this issue in light of the retcon where Dick was fired as Robin, this STILL changes nothing about Dick and Jason’s dynamic at this particular time or how the rest of the Titans would have viewed Jason as of this issue.....because that’s where the post-Crisis issue specifically writing Dick and Jason’s new introduction to each other on the page matters so much. As now the ultimate takeaway is even while not making Jason Robin himself, this issue STILL showed Dick giving Jason his blessing.....thus maintaining and stabilizing every pre-Crisis interaction between Jason and the Titans and ensuring that this whole “they resented him on Dick’s behalf” scenario wouldn’t throw any retroactive curveballs into how they were with Jason...because now there still was no need for anything on Dick’s behalf, as far as Jason was concerned, because Dick had given his A-Ok.

So that just flat out never happened, not originally, pre-Crisis, and not even in hindsight after the post-Crisis retcons were factored in, because the HOW of the post-Crisis retcons specifically factored in an avoidance of this potential tangle.

And in fact, what DID happen in the arc where Jason teamed up with the Titans without Dick, to go up against Cheshire.......is that Donna, who was in charge of the team at the time, kept trying to defer to Jason-as-Robin, because subconsciously she was insecure about her leadership at the time and having a Robin at her side was making her think of when Dick had been in that role, and simultaneously been their leader, and thus she was trying to lean into the familiar comforts of being able to turn to a Robin for direction.

And Jason CALLED HER OUT ON THIS. Politely. And cutely. No for real it was adorable. But like, he did it with poise and self-confidence and deliberation, and SHE HEARD HIM. She snapped out of it. Jason laid out exactly what she was doing and why and Donna was like oh shit, you’re right, I HAVE been doing that. And Jason was like, and that’s not fair to me. And Donna was like no, you’re absolutely right, that isn’t fair to you, I’m sorry. And Jason’s like, I can’t be the leader here, I don’t have the experience that Dick does. But you do, and you can be the leader. And Donna was like. You’re three for three kiddo, damn you’re good at this.

AND THEN THEY WENT AND KICKED BAD GUY ASS TOGETHER AND EVERYTHING WAS HUNKY-DORY BECAUSE THE POINT OF THAT ENTIRE PLOT WAS NOT “EVERYONE IS MEAN TO POOR JASON BECAUSE DICK MADE A CONSPIRACY OF MEANNESS” IT WAS “JASON’S A KICK-ASS LITTLE GO-GETTER WHO KNOWS HIS STRENGTHS AND HIS STRENGTH IS TELLING PEOPLE WHEN THEY’RE BEING DUMB AND THEY NEED TO STOP THAT.”

Okay, one caveat here. I must confess, its killing me....there is ONE Titan who was a jerk to Jason.

But uh....that Titan was Hank Hall aka Hawk. And he’s a jerk to everybody. Its kinda his superpower.

And he most certainly didn’t do it on Dick’s behalf, as Hank hates Dick and Dick hates Hank asfhilfhalfhalf. Seriously, they’re basically the hateship that ppl keep trying to make Dick and Jason into, only without the incest makes it spicy or whatever element, but like, if you’re not hung up on that and can ship people without them being related, oh no, oh woe, oh say it ain’t so, like, DickHank is the unsung hateship of dreaaaaaaaaaaams. They’re like:

Hank: As it is a day ending in y, I feel now is the perfect time to let you know, without prompting, that I hate your guts because people like you. And I hate people and everything they like, on account of people are the worst.

Dick: Well, you’re people, and you’re the worst, so that tracks.

Hank: So we’re agreed. I hate you. You hate me.....

Dick: Our hate is so in harmony.

Donna: What is even happening here and do I want to know.

Roy: In reverse order, no, probably not, and I’m not sure, but I THINK they’re getting hate married, and exchanging vows to hate each other in sickness and in health, forever and ever.

Wally: *skidding around corner* I CALL BEST MAN.

Donna: Its not a real wedding Wally.

Roy: Idk they seem pretty serious about it. Which means the best man position should be valid here, which means it should be me, because suck it West, only way you’ll ever be Dick’s best man is over my dead body.

Wally: Get ready to throw down then, Robin Hood, and just call me the Sheriff of Notachanceinhell, that best man position is MINE.

Garth: Whoa, hold up, I have an agreement IN WRITING from when we were THIRTEEN for Dick and I to be each other’s best men at our weddings, so I’m gonna need you both to stand down, I LITERALLY CALLED DIBS. Look. ITS IN WRITING.

Donna: Oh for fuck’s sake, you collective pluralization of buffoons, STOP TREATING THIS AS A REAL THING. ITS NOT A REAL THING.

Dick, eyes dead-locked on Hank: Oh this is real Donna. This is happening.

Hank, stepping forward, eyes equally locked: I have never been more serious about anything in my life. 

Lilith: Sure, you’ve only both saved the world but hey why should that matter. This is definitely the real shit.

Hank: Please. I only did that to prove I could do it better than Dick could. I hate the world.

Dick: Aww, and did you cry yourself to sleep when that flopped?

Hank: Wouldn’t know. It didn’t happen.

Donna: I swear by every god on Mt. Olympus, the first one of you to say I know you are but what am I is getting flung into orbit.

Anyway. I might have gotten distracted somewhere in there. What was your question again and did I answer it? I think I did....fahlkfhaklfhalhfa.

[ins0mnia-an0nym0us-au]

re: getting told i have borderline nazi-ideology

I very recently had an interesting experience that I wanted to share.

I use Discord, a communication program that’s main purpose is an instant messaging feature, you can create a server, which can have multiple “rooms” in it for different topics of conversation. It also has various other features, like voice chatting, video-calling, screen-sharing, etc. 

There are lots of uses for it but mainly I use it just to hang out with people. Recently, I started branching out and joining different ‘fandom’ discord servers. I first joined an Arrowverse server, then just a server for people who ship a certain couple on one of the tv shows. 

But then I binged all of Agents of Shield and I wanted to find somewhere to talk about it, make some friends. So I joined a server and it started off pretty great. Everyone was very kind. We all love Marvel and Agents of Shield. 

Here’s where it turns into an experience (SPOILERS FOR AGENTS OF SHIELD) -

In Agents of Shield and the Marvel Universe in general, there is an organization called Hydra, which was founded by Nazis. Agents of Shield deals with Hydra a lot and one of the main cast members turns out to be a member of Hydra hidden within Shield. The actor Brett Dalton seems like an absolute sweetheart, I’ve actually seen him in person at Dragon-Con a few times and he’s one of those actors that refuses to sit behind his table, he stands in front of it to talk to his fans, give hugs, handshakes, etc.

People were talking about how apparently because of him being a Hydra member in the show and saying things like ‘Hail Hydra’ with fans or maybe even randomly (I’m not sure the context of that - if someone asked him to say it with them or whatever), that people cancelled him and that’s why he only does Hallmark movies now. Which is something I find ridiculous for a few reasons. 

Brett Dalton is an actor. He is given a role and he plays it. If that is a good guy or bad guy, it doesn’t matter, he reads the lines and acts the part. The fact that people ask him to repeat lines or certain lines get more famous than others is not his fault. 

This brought into question why certain people would even have ‘Hail Hydra’ as a favorite line. Which was incredibly stupid of a question in my opinion. 

Hydra is an iconic enemy organization within the Marvel Universe

‘Hail Hydra’ is a quick and easy line to say vs longer quotes

It comes from many iconic scenes in the franchise itself - both within comics & the cinematic universe

Then they questioned why anyone would be a fan of Hydra at all when it’s a Nazi run organization - a fictional, Nazi run organization. I pointed that out and they scoffed at that and said it doesn’t matter. So instead I tried the following reasons -

Some people just love to root for the bad guy - no matter how bad

Favorite actors/actresses play the villains

It’s ‘edgey’ to root for the bad guys

In the end they didn’t buy any of that as good enough reasoning and said that deep down every person who was a fan of Hydra must secretly be a Nazi or Nazi sympathizer and that even if Brett Dalton was a nice guy, he shouldn’t go around saying ‘Hail Hydra’ because some Jewish people have stated it makes them uncomfortable. 

Listen, if something makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to say that it does and if it is a good enough reason then maybe that person will change what they are doing, hell, maybe everyone else will agree with you. But I find this entire thing incredibly stupid. If you watch anything from Marvel and expect not to run into something referencing Hydra then you are either naive or incredibly foolish. If Hydra triggers you, if Nazism triggers you, just stay away from Marvel.

“But we should make Marvel available for everyone!”

No, we can’t make everything available for everyone. That is literally impossible. Should some Marvel content have less Nazi references in it for those triggered by it? Sure, I’m sure there is something out there for them. 

But this isn’t even the end of this experience I had on this server. I thought we ended this conversation on good terms. But I’ll never know if they were secretly reporting me to the server owner or not. The next bit is when I was given a ‘warning’ not to open my mouth again on my beliefs or I would be kicked from the server. 

It started when I saw people just saying things like “America is such shit” and “Yeah, America is such garbage” - even the Americans were saying this. Now I’m a proud American but I understand that the media is very influential, so I tried to be diplomatic in my approach. I entered by saying something like - “America definitely has its problems, that’s for sure, but so does every country - still, look how far we’ve come!”

Responses were not kind to that. They were insistent on just pointing out all the flaws in America. From apparently rampant racism, a fascist regime, terrible public education.

I once again tried to approach diplomatically. I simply said that there is racism everywhere, I don’t think I touched the fascist regime comment, and I agreed on the terrible public education comment. Which spiraled into a talk about our public education system. We all pretty much agreed that our public education system is shit… which I still don’t understand how someone can want more government when the government fucks everything they already run up. 

I’m not sure how it went from that to talking about being able to choose who to serve at your business. It’s hard to remember exactly. I just remember the whole Christian Baker thing being brought up but it turns out we were talking about two separate cases. 

They were talking about a case where a baker was contacted by a lesbian couple and that baker released their information to a hate website, later they sued the baker and won. Which - yeah, that baker deserved to be milked for every last dime. 

But I was talking about a baker that was contacted by a gay couple to make a ‘gay cake’ - this baker said no because it was against his religion, and even told them that he doesn’t make Halloween or Anti-American cakes but he’d happily make them other desserts. But they still sued him and originally the gay couple won but it was taken to the Supreme Court and the baker won the suit. I think it’s a good thing the baker won that case. 

No one should be able to tell you who you should or should not serve. If a gay baker is contacted by a homophobic person and is asked to make an anti-LGBTQ+ cake, they should have every right to say “no, I will not.” in the same way a Christian baker should have every right not to make a ‘gay cake’ or a cake covered in penises or an anti-Christ cake. 

Do I think it’s dumb not to make a cake for someone just because it’s gay? Yes. Take the business. In the same way I think if a gay person turns down someone just for being straight it’s dumb. But that is their right. 

But apparently because this is how I believe, I have borderline Nazi ideology and was told that if I didn’t keep my mouth shut when they spout off about politics, I would be kicked from the server. The message I received was laughable at best. All about making a ‘safe-space’ for members of the fandom from all ages, genders and orientations. 

How impressionable young people are around (a few sentences ago it was children - which, there are no children in this server, teenagers, they are teenagers) and that it may influence their minds and opinions in the future - as if their spouting off about how much they hate America and all of their political opinions won’t? The hypocrites. 

Then came the point in the message where I was basically called a Nazi. Which… really? I’m autistic, non-binary, lesbian, with several disabilities. The Nazis would have put me in the front of the line to be executed. The gall these people have to think that I could ever agree with Nazis or Nazism. I’ve been to the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, DC. I’ve watched unfiltered footage from WWII of the Concentration Camps and what they did to people like me. It’s disturbing to me how ignorant these people are of what Nazism actually is but mostly it’s sad because of how intolerant they are of anything but their own point of view.

The final bit of the message was about how I had treated people flippantly despite how they expressed their discomfort. Again - the gall of these fucking people. Not one person ever fucking said they were uncomfortable when we were talking. I would have stopped talking about politics immediately if one person spoke up. They just kept talking, kept responding to my messages, but instead they went and tattled on me to the server owner. 

So, instead of staying in a server where I was told to just sit down and shut up, I messaged the owner back and told them exactly what I just told all of you. I also told them that they are exactly what is wrong with everyone today, why everyone is so divided and why no one talks to each other anymore. That going through life being unable to hear opposing opinions when they don’t do you any harm is a sad way to live. That it did make me sad that they had just assumed the worst in me because I did enjoy my time there, I even spent a solid month editing a photo as a Christmas gift to the server.

I apologized for making anyone uncomfortable but also told them that no one ever said anything. Then told them I won’t apologize for anything else and that I wouldn’t bother sticking around. Why would I? Everyone had been secretly talking about me it seems. No one had the same opinions as me and no one wanted to hear them. What was the point? So I just left the server. 

Being autistic makes it so hard to understand social queues in real life, doing so online is pretty much impossible unless you use emojis that have certain connotations linked to them. I generally have to take people at face value of what they are saying. If no one says that they are uncomfortable - I assume they aren’t. If no one tells me that I’m breaking a rule or doing something wrong, why would I assume differently? Mostly though it hurt me that they all just sat there and decided that I was pretty much a Nazi when I’d been nothing but nice to them. I thought we were becoming friends, some of us anyway. 

It just proves that once more, the crowd of ‘tolerance’ is the least tolerable. Now I have no Agents of Shield server and I miss my almost friends. 

[doubleshotofsomething]

Publicity Stunt

Part Four

[Part One<-- Find here]

Warnings: Swearing as usual. Trigger warnings??( just to prepare you, so be prepared). I think thats it?? 

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Summary: Reader is a fixer/Pr and longtime friend of Pepper. Post-endgame.

PS: Thank you guys for the support and feedback, your kind words are music to my ears(eyes bc i read them) and i cant explain how much it means to me. Thank you all so very much xxxxxxx

Scroll to the bottom for the next part

You stood on the tarmac as the Quinjet landed. Your personal assistant, Jonah, had arrived a few hours earlier and met the Avengers at the Senate hearing. You weren’t a fan of court procedures, any more than you were of politicians, so you sent Jonah – along with the lawyers you trusted – to the courthouse to ensure everything ran smoothly. Clint was a bit anxious when you told him your assistant was replacing you, Wanda refused to leave unless you were going with them, and Bucky spent the entire time asking about your male assistant.

“You planned this whole thing but you’re not showing up?” Clint argued, eyes flashing with betrayal.

Wanda agreed with him. “This is your thing! If anyone can convince people to do anything they don’t wanna, it’s you!”

“I’m not one for damselling—” Sam stopped pacing and took a breath- “but you’re turning me into one right about now.”

“This, Noah, person you were telling me about—” Bucky practically shoved the laptop in your face, a picture of your security’s supervisor stared back at you, “—he looks like a registered sex offender.”

You rolled your eyes, fixed the search, and pulled a picture of your assistant. You turned the laptop back to him and faced everyone else. “Jonah is a qualified attorney, and the team of attorneys that will be representing you are the best DC has to offer. You are in great hands.” You tried to reassure them, but your absence was clearly something that they weren’t okay with.

“Noah looks like Rumlow.” Bucky scowled, staring too closely at the screen. “He looks like Rumlow’s Hulk brother.”

“Looks like Drax’s long lost brother,” Sam added, peering over Bucky’s shoulder.

Clint joined in, clicking a few buttons and nodded. “He looks like he eats Senators for breakfast.”

“You work around Rumlow?” Bucky looked back at you, eyebrows furrowed. “Every single day, you spend time with this guy?”

“Jonah.” You corrected.

“He looks like a registered sex offender.”

“That’s not what sex offenders look like,” you scoffed, “you’d be surprised how many suits and ties are actual sex offenders.”

“Rumlow Noah is wearing a suit and tie.”

“Bucky, his name is Jonah,” you looked at him pointedly, “and it would do you justice if you remembered that. He’s a nice kid—”

“-registered sex offender—”

“—and he’s really good at what he does.” You glared at him for a moment longer before looking at everyone else, “I wouldn’t trust this part of the job on anyone else. He’s good. He’s great, and his team of attorneys are sharks. You—”

“Why do we need attorneys?” Clint asked, looking away from the laptop. “I thought this was a senate hearing.”

“While you’re at it, ask her about the security team of registered criminals she has on speed dial.” Bucky muttered, scrolling through more pictures of Jonah.

“What?” Wanda practically cried; eyes wide with panic.

“Oh, for fuck sake—” You inhaled deeply, “—the attorneys are for back up and the security is for the attorneys.”

Bucky, because he’s Bucky and his natural instinct is to make things difficult for you, scoffed. “It’s to get us out of there in case this is a trap.”

“A trap?!”

“Barnes!”

“Did you know Rumlow Noah had the third highest grade score in his class?”

It took far longer than expected, than necessary, to get them onto the Quinjet and to the hearing. Bucky was still attached to the laptop when he boarded, Clint was satisfied that you weren’t sending an intern with no experience, and Wanda was contemplating using her abilities on you. But, eventually, they departed for the city and left you with enough time to do your job, make a couple of phone calls and listen in on the senate hearings.

You weren’t a rookie, you had Jonah wear one of his bugged suits. This was the senate, after all, and you had to be ready for anything they could pull.

Jonah was a large man. His build caused controversy in the courtroom, juries thought him intimidating and witnesses found him unapproachable. His voice was far too deep, his face was far too intense, his looks were too menacing. His presence alone had scared witnesses into committing perjury, a few simple objections had caused him fines from contempt, juries ruled against his clients because of his daunting appearance.

Jonah was a very large man, but where others saw a beast, you saw brains. He was far younger than you, he had graduated from high school and law school far too early, and he was ready to make a difference. He could recite every word in the constitution, poke holes in the most ironclad of nondisclosure agreements, he could tell you all about each crime and how to elude being charged with it. The kid could get away with a Presidential assassination in broad daylight if he wanted to. But he looked like a Mafioso and appearance is everything in DC. So, when he lost a case – a case he should have won – you walked up to him and offered him a job.

Personal Assistant is what you both called his title, but he was much more than that. He was the reason you were good at your job.

“I’m guessing it all went well?” You raised an eyebrow at Jonah, the rest following suit.

Jonah simply shrugged, handing you a folder. ��That shouldn’t even be a question.”

“Shit hit the fan.” Clint sighed.

“I’m making a list.” Bucky grumbled, idling a few steps away as he continued with his face shoved against the laptop.

“He pissed everyone off!” Wanda glared at him, “how is that not supposed to be a question?”

“Jesus—” Jonah rolled his eyes, dark brown glaring down at Wanda. “—you really think that was supposed to end well? It’s a senate hearing, with a bunch of powerful that were in the room with, arguably, people that are far more powerful than them. Your abilities, your avenging, everything about you already pisses them off.”

“What was the point of all that then?” Sam questioned, staring at Jonah like a lion ready to pounce on its prey.

“To piss them off,” Bucky added, shoving the laptop at you. “This is Rumlow’s classmate. She’s married, graduated top of her class and lectures at an Ivy League law school.”

You took the laptop and closed it shut. “The point of all this was to prove to everyone that the whole case is biased, that the entire senate – along with the accords – was based on the simple fact that they are biased.” You said, handing the laptop to Jonah’s anticipating hands and walking back inside.

“If we could prove bias to the general public,” Jonah continued as they all followed, “we could dismantle the entire case against you.”

“Sounds like a sex offender thing to say,” Bucky grouched, earning a warning look from you.

You placed the laptop on the kitchen counter, telling Jarvis to seal off every entrance to anyone without residential clearance. The rebuilt Compound was larger, but with less floors, the design was a unique mixture of every Avenger’s taste, except it was more of an armoury than it was a home. Each room had a secret compartment of weapons, and an exit route that led to either the garage or the woods, and the security system seemed to be engineered to withstand a nuclear war.

You had already set up a seating arrangement for them, their absence helped in getting a couple of things done, and you waited as everyone took a seat.

“Everything, from here on out, is gonna be war.”  You looked at all of them, hating the next words that were about to leave your mouth. “The whole media stint where I had you kissing babies and walking dogs, helping the needy, all that was just for the cameras. All that was just the first phase of what’s to come next. We can’t win against the Accords, we can’t win against a hundred and seventeen nations. But the people can.”

“This was never about public image.” Wanda stated, bitterness coating her words.

You shook your head solemnly. “You pissed off a lot of powerful people. They don’t care about who you are or how good your intentions—”

“They care about controlling you.” Jonah interjected. “The accords are the perfect example of that, and that’s why I had to piss them off.”

“You didn’t have to do anything.” Bucky growled at him.

“The UN ordered you shot on sight,” Jonah fired back, glaring at him, “that’s illegal and the exact opposite of what they’re supposed to be doing—”

“—Jonah had to rile them up, I told him to do so. Senate hearings are televised and public record, we needed it to have the highest ratings possible.” You added, “because, now, the senate hearing is going to turn into an International court case, where your charges will be presented before you and the court. Testimonials and all that jazz, basically the same bullshit that the Accords doesn’t afford you—”

“—which is illegal and violates a shit load of rights.” Jonah interrupted.

“From that moment forth, we present our case to the world.” You completed, eyes lingering a bit on Wanda for a moment longer.

“We’re gonna lose and go back to the raft.” She said, too sure of herself for your liking.

“The people won’t let us.” Bruce chuckled softly, shaking his head at you. The wheels were turning in his head and the pieces were finally fitting together perfectly. “That’s why you spent so much time on our public image, why you started an uproar in a senate hearing.”

Sam’s shoulders dropped at the realisation, the picture finally becoming clearer. “You’re evil.”

“I’m efficient.” You corrected, “and I don’t like losing. I don’t like it when good people are wronged, and I really hate the government enough to defame it.”

“The economy is gonna suffer, international relations are gon—” Bruce started, but you were not having any of it.

You scoffed. “The accords are a pretty way of saying slavery, so I don’t care.”

“Uh—” Bucky raised his hand slowly, “—call me old fashioned, but I’m really confused here.”

“We’re going to lose to the UN,” Wanda said, turning to face him, arms folded and face twisted in spite. “But she’s going to start a civil war within all nations, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it because people love us, and she made them think the government is evil.”

“You’re evil.” Clint mimicked Sam’s words. “You’re worse than the government.”

“Someone has to be.” You acknowledged, unashamed and unbothered.

You knew what the job description was when you signed up, and you knew the kind of soulless monster you were going to have to be when Pepper called. You left DC behind, a town of vultures, to defend people that weren’t accustomed to those vultures. It wasn’t just DC’s most elite politicians you were going against; it was the entire country; it was the entire world – nations with resources to the disposal that you couldn’t even begin to fathom. First world countries, with the means to make you disappear without a trace, second world countries with the power to make your death seem natural, third world countries that had lost far too much to care about moral code.

To win, your only weapon was to start a world war.

To succeed, your only strategy was to make the people fight it for you.

You weren’t dumb enough to think you could win against world nations. But you were smart enough to know where to hit for fatal damage.

“We’re about to face the world and call their leaders a bunch of criminals,” You finally said. “Clint, I had Happy fetch your wife and kids, they’ll be here in a few hours. Scott will be here as well, with his kid. The compound is the safest place they could be, right now. Until this is all over. Until—”

“—until they’re no longer at risk of being held, by the government, indefinitely.” Jonah added for you, “because we’re not idiots to think they’re safe in their own country. They can and they will be used against you.”

“You’re saying our government would arrest minors for crimes they didn’t commit?” Rhodes, for the first time since he sat in the room, spoke – disbelief cloaking his face.

“I’m saying they arrested Wanda, Clint, Scott and Sam for not signing a contract.” Jonah, a man you trusted with your very life, fired back without missing a beat. “Because that’s what this—” he waved the accords in the air, “—this sad excuse of a law that will never stand, is. A contract. Not a law that has been enforced, not an amendment, and definitely not legal. So, yes, I do strongly believe that a government capable of forcing an Army experiment, which resulted in the Abomination – the same government that violated Bruce Banner’s constitutional right; by illegally searching all his belongings without a warrant – is capable of arresting minors for shit they didn’t do.”

“He can tell you all about the rights and laws that the existence of the raft violates,” you said, “but that’s gonna require a shit load of coffee and a lot of ‘I told you so’s’ from Ol’ man Rogers. And that’s not something we’re all ready for.”

Wanda sat up quickly, gaining everyone’s attention. “Wait,” she examined you, something finally clicking in her head. “Those rights apply to Americans and I’m Sokovian."

You shrugged. “I pulled some strings—”

“—made an argument that you couldn’t be eligible for death penalty for treason, in this country, if you weren’t a citizen—” Jonah added.

“—because then that’s gonna be a whole international dispute, and you would be handed over to your own country for the trial—” You nodded.

“—and, man, do we hate not having blood for blood.” Jonah sighed, shaking his head. “I could name a couple of states that want your pretty little neck attached to the adios syringe—"

“—and no country is a fan of those international disputes. So—,” you pushed the green file, you had placed on the table, towards her. “—you became a citizen the moment I walked onto the compound.”

“Which makes you eligible for the same protection as everyone in this room.”

“Pure evil.” Rhodes gaped at you, completely awed.

“We can’t stop the Accords from happening, but we can sure as hell change it. From this day forward, you guys must do everything I tell you, word for word. You’re a team, what you do and how you act will affect all of us. I know what I’m doing, and I need you to trust that; trust that I can, and I will, get you through all of this. You don’t have to trust me, but you can rest easy knowing that I don’t start wars I can’t win.

“I may be evil,” you breathed, straightening your posture and making sure to look every one of them in eye. “But I’m the kind of evil you need, right now.”

There was pregnant pause, an eerie silence encompassing the entire room. “’Til the end of the line.” Bucky voiced softly, his ocean blues capturing yours in a gentleness you’ve never known.

“We’ve come this far,” Bruce said, nodding in agreement to Bucky’s declaration.

Sam shook his head. “We’re so screwed,” he whispered to Clint.

*

Pepper didn’t know your plan.

The whole thing was going to be hard enough as it was. You had arranged the empty rooms into guest bedrooms, Jarvis was rather helpful in that department, you had him direct the Avengers’ loved ones to their designated rooms. You made a list of things for Jarvis to inform them of – the basics of the compound and the PG rated reason they were there – and made sure to stock the place with every single necessity you could think, that they would need.

She would disapprove of it.

Asgard was already on standby, in the unlikely case that the Compound was compromised. You had asked their current leader, Valkyrie, for the assistance and she was more than ready to help. The Avengers were dear to Thor’s heart, so taking in their loved ones for protection was something Asgardians were more than happy to do.

She would hate you for it.

Wakanda was on standby for extraction as well. In the event that the Avengers would need an escape route, Nakia – a woman that was very pleased to know about your plan – had promised to help in any way possible. She, too, was not a fan of politicians imposing their agendas under the false pretence of enforcing the law.

“Woah, woah, woah—” Bucky gripped onto your arm, pulling you into a slow jog then a stop, “—slow down there, doll.”

You were struggling to catch your breath as you pulled your arm out of his grasp, wiping your forehead free of sweat with the sleeve of your shirt. You fanned your face, trying to find something to lean against, someplace to sit, somewhere to breathe. Because, damn it all to hell, you couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t breathe and you couldn’t think, and it was freaking you out.

“Y/N…” Bucky called out, gripping both of your shoulders and turning you to face him, “Y/N, come on, look at me.”

It’s too hot. Dammit, why is it so hot?

You tried to push him away, worming your way out of his hold, but that only succeeded in him tightened his grip.

Let go.

Molars grinding, hands fisted, you ducked out of what felt like an ironclad grip and backed away from him. You just needed to think, that’s why you went for a late afternoon jog alone, to think. The compound was too crowded; too many voices for you to focus, too many smells, too many distractions. Your room was no better, it was big enough to be a master bedroom, but it felt small – why did it feel so small?

When did it get so dark?

You tried sitting outside, thinking that fresh air would do the trick. But Bruce and Clint and Jonah were outside, talking about something… you were close enough to hear, you think you even made a comment… What were they talking about?

“Come on, sweetheart, look at m—hey, hey, I need you to look at me.”

Go away!

You just needed to think. You rubbed your throat, continuing down your path – it was your path, right? – and tried to swallow down the dryness. You must have been jogging for a while, it was getting difficult for you to see or focus on where you were going. You tried blinking, alternating between rubbing your eyes and your throat, hating that you didn’t bring a water bottle with you.

What were you missing?

“Y/N—”

Why was he still here?

You just needed a second. You just needed to look at things clearly, for his sake, for their sake. Just a second. That’s all you needed.

Safehouses were sorted, because you could never be too safe. Black folders were ready, because you could never trust the other team to play clean. Everyone’s loved ones were accounted for. So, what were you missing?

Think about Morgan.

That annoying little twinge snapped at you, in you, spreading across the left side of your chest. You didn’t even like children, so that shouldn’t even be a thought. It shouldn’t have been a thought coated in Pepper’s voice.

This is exactly why, you thought, this is exactly why I don’t mix work with friendship.

You stopped walking when you could no longer see where you were going, reaching out to find the nearest tree. You couldn’t even hear your own footsteps as you did that, you couldn’t hear anything except the loud thrumming in your ears.

There was something in the distance, some sort of movement maybe – couldn’t be sure, you chose to pass it off as nature and focused on catching your breath. Your muscles felt tense, you blamed it on the jog – because you’re a walker, not a jogger. Your lungs were aching and each gasp for air seemed to not be enough, every deep breath you tried to take felt like it was twisting your chest.

You felt something crawl up your arm, an unwelcome heat that you recoiled away from, moving away from whatever it is. You mind shouted spider and you didn’t hesitate to speed walk away from the pest, but it wouldn’t stop clinging to you, pulling at you, dragging you back with its callous clutch.

You went to flick it away with your other hand, dread settling into the pit of your stomach. “Get off me,” you couldn’t recognise your own voice, drenched in trepidation as your hand tried to swat away at the thick-skinned creature.

Another one gripped at your hand, pressing it to your chest as you began to heave in an unadulterated panic. The iron grip on your arm moved to your back, unconcerned by the fight you were putting, and you were forced into something hard.

“Shhh,” Bucky soothed, wrapping an arm around your writhing figure whilst moving his other to stroke your head, “it’s okay, just breathe.”

This wasn’t you. This couldn’t be you. His shark, his girl, his little darling, his sweetheart couldn’t be the one that tried to fight him off. You couldn’t be this shivering wreck in his arms. No… it couldn’t be you.

But it was you. He could tell it was you just by the sound of your footsteps, so he followed the sound through the trees until he found you, taking a path he knew you’d never been on before.

His shark was shaking in his arms; he could pick you out in a dark room by your smell alone, and your disorientated steps struck an intrusive feeling in him, the kind he’d felt after the snow.

His girl, in the dark and alone, too scared to even let him hold her. This couldn’t be the woman he fell in love with, could it?

“Focus on my voice, I know it’s difficult, but—” he took a breath as he tightened his grip, “—you just need to breathe. Okay? Breathe with me, doll, in and out, slowly—”

He felt you tense, felt as your thrashing turned to uncoordinated twitching, felt as you tried to focus on what he was telling you to do. It took a while before you could mimic his breathing, he didn’t blame you – figured you were just realising what was happening, and even then, your breathing was off.

“That’s it,” he praised, “that’s my girl. You’re doing so good, darling, just keep focusing on my voice—”

You could barely make out his voice, the cloud in your head was too much, but the quick thuds that were drumming against your hand – each one strong as the other – pierced through the disarray. You moved away your hand, having been placed there from your attempt to push him away, and pressed your forehead against the area, forcing yourself to focus on at least that.

This wasn’t you. This didn’t happen to you. But here you were, in Bucky’s arms, hating yourself for letting this happen.

One sense at a time, your own voice rang in your head, that’s how you’ll get back control.

You shut your eyes, tapping your finger to beat of his heart, choosing to focus on your sense of touch first – not that it was a choice. Your first instinct was supposed to be listening, but your disarrayed mind ignored his voice, and went straight for the feel of his heart against your hand. The muscle beating against his chest, something you couldn’t hear, was the only thing you were capable of recognizing in that moment.

The thrumming managed to soothe away the ache in your chest and your feet, the feel of something soft and damp pressing against the crown of your head repeatedly managed to help cool you down, all that was left was for the slight stinging on your throat to disappear – but water could fix that.

You can’t do it all at once, Stark. You remember telling Tony, his panic attack had rendered him speechless, the first of the few that had. Divide and conquer, just like I taught you.

He had listened, focused on your instructions as you helped pull him out of the deep, then pretended he had it all under control – that he could have managed just fine without your interference. You laughed, accustomed to his humour, knowing it was only a defence mechanism, then told him about how it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. You told him that it was a normal thing, a reasonable reaction, to the horrors he had seen. You told him, insisted, that it wasn’t something to be embarrassed about because it happened to the best of us.

You didn’t think you’d have to tell yourself that.

Best of us, never included you.

You were the one that got people through them; helped them cope, taught them the little techniques that they benefited from.

You never thought you would have to use them on yourself.

Next Part

[atmilliways]

Stuck on the Outside Failing to Look In (Just Like in Real Life)

This @mtl-trick-or-treat​ fic is for @tanyonlee​, who asked for either a treat of “Very cute Skwistok!!” or a trick of “Skwisgaar and his gmiltf girlfriend XDDD.”

It’s your lucky Halloween dude, because I wrote BOTH. In five parts. I hope you like 8300+ word fics. 💩 

Here’s part one! (1412 words)

~

Excerpt from Skwisgaar Is Ams Dick by T. Wartooth, chapter four (“Skwisgaar Is Ams Slut”), pages 132-133:

Everyones knows that Skwisgaar will does just abouts anybodies. That ain’ts the halfs of it! Every times ol’ Toki starts talkings to a beautiesful girl, Skwisgaar rolls right ups and starts the whisperings horny nothings to her ear what’s like I’m not theres. Fucking rudes! Then he goes and screws thems. Sometimes they don’t even bothers to leaves the room! And it’s not evens like whats the ladies are really sluts. Some ofs them ams real nice, whats have hopes and dreams and real goods teeth and everything. Some even haves the boobs thats am all naturals, just like mothers makes ‘em, though nots veries often ‘cause most groupies gets them sized ups whats to catch our attention betters.

But anyways, the ladies ain’ts the sluts, Skwisgaar ams. The ladies only wants to sleeps with likes four, maybies five guys, because we ams super mega famous. Skwisgaar ams the ones who doesn’ts cares whos he puts the you-know-whats sausage into sides of as longs as he gets to does it! You barlies ever see his ass with the sames lady twice!! He ams physicallies uns-capable of even gettings that close to settling downs and I can proves it. Ins this chapter I wills...

~

“... In other news, Toki Wartooth seems to be on the Toki Warpath! He’s been arrested seventeen times in the last two months alone, and at last night’s Dethklok concert in Washington DC actually lept from the stage and started it all-out brawl. The incident ended up outing several ultra-conservative Senators and House Representatives as closet Dethklok fans, despite having made so much effort to distance themselves from the group in the past. Thanks to the staff at prominent DC hospitals that leaked copies of the intake forms to the press, they’ve got quite a bit of explaining to do to their constituents.

“And that’s the Dethklok Minute!”

~

Groupie Debriefing Transcript

ID: 174849464438

               [ x] Returning                [ x] Approved for return

On file:

    [ x] Pain waiver     [ x] STI screen upon arrival     [ x] STI screen prior to debriefing     [   ] Paternity waiver     [ x] Medical record of infertility due to                [   ] Hysterectomy                [   ] Tubal ligation                [ x] Menopause                [   ] Other: ________

Name: Beulah Rosenberg

Rating: GMILF

Debriefing Agent: 7982

7982: Please state for the record which members of Dethklok you interacted with on this visit.

ROSENBERG: Just Skwisgaar.

7982: Skwigelf?

ROSENBERG: Is there more than one Skwisgaar floating around here, dear?

7982: Just being thorough, ma’am.

ROSENBERG: Oh good. I don’t think he would like that, he’s a very sensitive boy you know. Being unique is very important to him.

7982: I’m aware, ma’am. And what was the purpose of your visit?

ROSENBERG: I don’t kiss and tell, dear.

7982: Um, okay. And you were with him from approximately 3:15pm yesterday to 8:45am this morning, is that correct?

ROSENBERG: That sounds about right. And we spent most of that time talking, for your information.

7982: Talking? With Lord Skwigelf? Instead of, uh... I mean, isn’t that a bit unusual? In your experience? Which... you’ve been on file here for several years now.

ROSENBERG: Eight years, nine next September. It is a bit of a change, but not necessarily a recent one. He’s been more introspective ever since... I’d say a little bit before his little band mate got kidnapped, but definitely more so after that.

7982: And I see from our records that he’s been requesting your presence more often since roughly that time. Was all that, uh, mostly taking as well?

ROSENBERG: Well... mostly.

7982: Grandma!

ROSENBERG: Oh for god’s sake, don’t be such a prude, Denis.

~

Therapy session transcript 5-625148-TW, excerpt:

TWINKLETITS: So what’s been on your mind lately, Toki? What’s going on in that noggin?

WARTOOTH: Nothings.

TWINKLETITS: Toki, Toki. You’ve got to be honest in this room, okay buddy? It’s been a big year. Lots of things going on. Lots of things that sooner or later you’re gonna have to face head-on one way or another, and wouldn’t it be nice to do that in a safe, supportive environment?

WARTOOTH: Not reallies.

TWINKLETITS: I know what’s been going on. You’ve been picking fights, breaking windows... you’re scaring people, Toki. All your friends are worried half to death about you.

WARTOOTH: [unintelligible]

TWINKLETITS: That’s a big load of bull pats. Why would they go through all that trouble to get you back if they didn’t care?

WARTOOTH: The bands—

TWINKLETITS: They found you. Do you think that was easy?

WARTOOTH: [unintelligible]

TWINKLETITS: Toki, have they talked to you at all about what it was like getting to you?

TWINKLETITS: Toki?

WARTOOTH: [unintelligible]

WARTOOTH: Noes.

TWINKLETITS: Well they told me. They didn’t have any idea what they were doing, but they went anyway, and followed any crazy idea they could pull out of their asses to do it. Pickles guessed they should look in the place where you played your very first gig as a member of Dethklok—

WARTOOTH: The Depths of Humanities? That shitshole?

TWINKLETITS: Exactly! And Skwisgaar—

WARTOOTH: I don’ts wants to talk about that asshole! Fucking bastards don’t gots no time for anything but sluts—

TWINKLETITS: Toki, no!

WARTOOTH: [unintelligible yelling, smashing furniture]

~

From: c.f.ofdenson@mordhaus.metal.dk

To: s.skwigelf@guitargod.metal.dk

CC: n.explosion@brutal.metal.dk, p.the.drummer@fuckoff.metal.dk, w.murderface@planetpiss.metal.dk

Subj: Consider this a band meeting

Skwisgaar, I don’t know why Dr. Twinkletits is still calling me, but can you think of any reason Toki might be angry with you?

Kind regards,

Charles F. Ofdenson

~

From: p.the.drummer@fuckoff.metal.dk

To: c.f.ofdenson@mordhaus.metal.dk, n.explosion@brutal.metal.dk, s.skwigelf@guitargod.metal.dk, w.murderface@planetpiss.metal.dk

Subj: Re: Consider this a band meeting

uSUal reason right? not giving hm sodas? back ne up her gays

8=====D doodily doodily dooo

~

From: p.the.drummer@fuckoff.metal.dk

To: c.f.ofdenson@mordhaus.metal.dk, n.explosion@brutal.metal.dk, s.skwigelf@guitargod.metal.dk, w.murderface@planetpiss.metal.dk

Subj: Re: Re: Consider this a band meeting

SOLOS!

8=====D doodily doodily dooo

~

From: n.explosion@brutal.metal.dk

To: c.f.ofdenson@mordhaus.metal.dk, p.the.drummer@fuckoff.metal.dk, s.skwigelf@guitargod.metal.dk, w.murderface@planetpiss.metal.dk

Subj: Re: Re: Re: Consider this a band meeting

No. He’s just still fucked up from being kidnapped.

Hey Charles, you ever going to fucking visit us man? Thought you were hamburger time again. Answer your phone when I text you. Dick.

~

From: w.murderface@planetpiss.metal.dk

To: c.f.ofdenson@mordhaus.metal.dk, n.explosion@brutal.metal.dk, p.the.drummer@fuckoff.metal.dk, s.skwigelf@guitargod.metal.dk

Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Consider this a band meeting

Hey fuckfaces,

You’re all wrong!!! Take it from me, a real lady’s man. He’s upset over some chick who went and broke his stupid heart!!! I’ll take some booze over to his room later, we’ll talk it out, problem solved. Nailed it. ;)

—WM

ps, What’s with the “kind regards” signoff, Charles? Pretty gay.

~

From: p.the.drummer@fuckoff.metal.dk

To: c.f.ofdenson@mordhaus.metal.dk, n.explosion@brutal.metal.dk, s.skwigelf@guitargod.metal.dk, w.murderface@planetpiss.metal.dk

Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Consider this a band meeting

ahahahahha mface thinks charlies pretty

cuz hes gay mface is gay THATS THE JOOKE

8=====D doodily doodily dooo

~

From: c.f.ofdenson@mordhaus.metal.dk

To: n.explosion@brutal.metal.dk, p.the.drummer@fuckoff.metal.dk, s.skwigelf@guitargod.metal.dk, w.murderface@planetpiss.metal.dk

Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Consider this a band meeting

OK, thank you for all your responses.

Pickles — That’s a good idea, it could be the lack of solos. I appreciate your input.

Nathan — Recent trauma is also a strong possible explanation as to why Toki has been acting out lately. Also, I am sending you a text right now. Please text back whenever convenient, and perhaps we can schedule an actual call.

William — I’m not sure alcohol is necessary in this situation, but otherwise I agree, Toki would probably benefit from having a friend to talk to right now.

If anyone could advise me as to why Skwisgaar is not replying to emails, that would be appreciated. Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Kind regards,

Charles F. Ofdenson

[wrench-wench]

Good fucking riddance, 2018

The Good:

Dad survived his bone marrow transplant

I went back to school and got ‘A’s in all of my classes

Spider-Verse

lilbit is still out there being wonderful

I finally got my ADHD confirmed, even if I had to pay ridiculous amounts of money to do so

????

That’s it.

The Bad:

     -    Literally Everything Else, but especially the following:

My grandma, the person I love most in the world, died

Everything leading up to her death, because it could have been prevented if our healthcare system was designed to actually, you know, heal people, instead of maximizing profit and minimizing liability.

Everything regarding my extended family during all of this. I get too angry to even talk about it coherently.

My dad’s dog died

My dog died, a month later.

Specifically I had to leave my dog in my baby brother’s care for a few weeks while I helped with my grandma after she first got sick & also helped a friend move. While I was gone my dog started going into heart failure, and I had to euthanize her the day after I got home, from, you know, trying to nurse my grandma back to health.

My boss announced he was retiring in April, and I spent about a month not knowing if the shop would be bought or just shut down. So, that’s why I decided to go back to school. Because I was terrified of becoming destitute, and also sick of the way my family just expected me to get another job to support them while they did nothing.

I’ve been too wrapped up in my own shit to be a decent friend to anyone.

My godfather is slowly dying of cancer, and it’s awful.

My older brother had a mental break down. The tentative diagnosis has him on the schizophrenia spectrum. He refused treatment.

I noticed something wasn’t right in early October, but shit really hit the fan later that month. The first time things got bad I went with my dad to see him, and my dad refused to call 911, and wouldn’t let me call either & ignored the advice & help of my friend who is a practicing psychiatrist. Dad proceeded to put my life in danger multiple times, including inviting big bro to come back to his place, which involved me driving the 5-6 hours home from DC with big bro in the back seat wondering if he was gonna snap and try to interfere with me driving and get us all killed. Btw, dad’s house is filled with guns.

Brilliant fucking idea, dad. Don’t bring the mentally unstable person screaming at you that you’re a part of the illuminati sent to control him to a hospital, with trained medical professionals. No, bring the person whom you repeatedly acknowledged was a threat to the safety of yourself and your daughter to the house filled with guns.

The second time big bro freaked out was right before Thanksgiving, and his roommates called us in to help. I put my foot down with my parents, and baby bro went up with me and had one of my friends meet us in DC and we dragged big bro’s ass to the hospital. Can I say, sitting for several hours in the little room in the emergency department alone with my big brother as he rambled constantly making menacing comments, was one of the more harrowing experiences of my life?

Oh, hey, this second time? It happened about a week after my grandma died. I had driven my mom down so that she could see the body before it was cremated. And had to pick out Nina’s urn, and write her obituary, and pay for it myself, because someone had to keep their shit together, and it wasn’t gonna be my mom. And the great thing is that during the first incident, my dad called my mom and guilted her into leaving grandma’s side, where she was nursing her and making sure she ate, saying that Nina wouldn’t die if mom left and that my big bro was more important at that time. Well guess what fucking happened. Mom left, Nina got pneumonia, and she died.

The bureaucrats in Fairfax county, Virginia, did not believe that big brother fit the requirements for involuntary commitment, so he was free to go after two days in the hospital.

Fast forward to December 23, after I made it through my final exams and earned my perfect fucking GPA even though I was a wreck, after Nina’s funeral in Florida (which was it’s own special shit show that I don’t have the energy to break down atm, but big bro's presence was just the tip of the iceberg), after I fled up to my best friend’s house in PA, I learn that big brother had flipped out again. He was traveling somewhere in NC, threatening to murder my dad, my siblings, and me, among other things. His friends, whom I had previously warned when shit first started going down, called 911 and got him involuntarily committed.

This morning they had a hearing where the state determined that big bro has to stay in the state run long-term mental health facility because the judge was concerned about the “multiple death threats, actions towards staff, and history of med noncompliance”, according to my dad, who was present at the hearing.

So, at least I’m ending 2018 with the knowledge that big brother should be in the hospital for a while, and I can probably safely return to North Carolina at some point and try to resume finishing my degree.

[calzonekestis]

@agent13: Jackie hasn’t been active in quite a while, but she’s always been kind to me and her blog has has A+ opinions and content. 

@ar-se-ne: IDEK how long I’ve been following Cristian, but he’s a really nice guy with whom I have similar interests. He’s also someone that I’ve kind of of been inspired by in some ways. I don’t want to get too personal information, but it involves introspection and self improvement and yeah. I’m proud of him. He should be proud of himself.

@chujo-hime: I remember like circa 2012-2013 I had a ~moment~ because the webmaster of FYBN followed me. Chujo always has quality content, and is someone I respect for being very genuine and respectful. If something’s drawn her ire or made her bitter, she has a reason for it, and can write a solid meta on why it’s bullshit. At the same time, she’s someone who I’ve looked to when I consider how to handle my own fandom disagreements. It’s not worth arguing with people on the internet, it’s never fun. So long as people enjoy what they enjoy? Stay in their lane and let others do the same? We can all get along~~~

@cimikat: Katie is another person who I don’t even remember following. I can’t really remember my tumblr experience before her, though? I can say without any hyperbole though that she’s probably the nicest person I’ve ever encountered on this website? Literally, I can’t think of a single time I’ve seen her be salty. Upset and disappointed, sure, but she doesn’t wallow in negativity the way some people do and have in the past. If she enjoys something, she’s enthusiastic about it. If she no longer enjoys it? You won’t see her b*tch about it. She’s just very upbeat.

@dazzledfirestar: Daz shares my love of certain villains (Sin and Crossbones) while fully recognizing they’re deplorable human beings. That’s just one of the more superficial reasons I respect her. She’s another person who’s also genuine, and whom by following I feel like I’ve actually learned a lot? And I actually like to learn. Ignorance isn’t always mean spirited, and in the past I’ll admit I’ve been an ignorant white boy. Not that I was prejudice, there was just a lot I was either blind to or unaware of.  I’ve learned a lot about Romani culture by following Daz. A lot of history, a lot about the struggles and persecution they still face to this day. I also learned lot about the LGBT community; which honestly was a big help when I was trying to figure out/accept my bisexuality.

@diaryofawriter: What do I even say about you? believe we met because we both RP’d in the same fandoms and enjoyed the same content. Comics, OUAT, Harry Potter, and Star Wars. She’s both listened to me flail or rant countless times, either feigning or expressing genuine interest… for that I’m truly appreciative. She’s also helped me when it comes to letting go of things that are no longer fun or enjoyable for me (OUAT) and focus on the things that do bring me joy. A role model in that sense. >.>

@diisnerd: Leah. Leah was someone I met though a mutual friend, and while they’re closer than I am with her… I let me just say I have so much fucking respect for Leah. She’s just a good, loyal, protective, and caring friend. We have a lot of the same interests, too. We don’t talk all that often about them, but when we do it’s always an enjoyable conversation.

@dreamimpcssiblethings: Kath. Jesus. You know how much you mean to me, I should hope. You’re one of my best friends. It’s not even that we like a lot of the same things (we do) but you’re just very hard not to like? You’re super intelligent, super passionate. Be it about fandom things, classic literature, or just life. If one good thing came out of the rise and fall of my OUAT fandom, it was meeting you. All the salt is worth it for knowing you~

@ilikethequiet: Ally was one of the first people I met in the OUAT fandom, via a mutual friend/aquiantence. She’s a wizard when it comes to making edits and graphics. She’s someone with whom I’ve been salty on many an occasion, and I lured her into the iZombie fandom with me when our favorite actors transitioned over to that show. She’s just a delight. She also somehow made an AU graphic for a trashy ~problematic~ hateship look classy? Real friends hunt down topless screencaps so they can make you smutty collages for your birthday.

@jjoelswatch: Sarah is one of the first people I can remember following on tumblr. She’s another person where I wouldn’t recognize my dash without her. I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but I really respect her. She’s just a good person, very down to Earth and very witty. We don’t talk that much, but it’s always very pleasant when we do? Sarah was the first one to reach out and respond when I came out as bi. I’m still not out to my family. When I posted that little confession, I didn’t know what to expect. I simultaneously cared and didn’t care how people responded. It was weird, because it was something I had tried to deny and rationalize for so long. It’s something that no one should even care about, but Sarah empathized and realized it was kind of a big deal for me? Her reassurance that I wasn’t alone, even in such a short and concise message meant a lot. She’s one of my favorite mutals tbh.

@kennyhoemega: Bethany is a Goth Goddess. I’m not just saying that because she demanded the best compliment. On a superficial level, she’s just really pretty?? Now that’s out of the way, let me tell you legitimate reasons why she’s one of my favorite people to follow. She’s got great taste in music, she loves Star Wars, dabbles in Marvel and Harry Potter. You see a theme here with people I follow. She just also tends to reblog really neat things unrelated to those? I’ve gotten into astrology because of her. It’s mostly her fault that I’ve started watching wrestling again, bc there’s nothing good on TV and her passion is contagious and the gifs she reblogs are wild. She also has the best tags out of anyone I follow, bar none. I don’t even know when I first followed her either, around 2012 or so, but I know that it was absolutely 100% Sarah’s fault. Thank you, Sarah. TBH the first time I remember interacting with Bethany was when I added a gif and sarcastic comment to one of her salty posts about people trying to woobify Brock Rumlow. The next day, I realized this was likely not the best way to make a first impression? Fortunately she assured me that she got it, and that we were cool. Which is a relief, because as I’ve told her (and IDK if she believes me) she’s probably one of the coolest people I follow? It’s come to light that neither of us are big talkers, so we don’t actually talk that much… but she’s really rad. IDK when it started but she’s consistently been in my tumblr crushes for ages. Lots of mutual reblogging, again, lots of respect. She’s witty and intelligent. That’s not butt-kissin’, I’ve seen her post about certain tests and looked them up out of curiosity and wow. Yeah. Bethany also has the longest compliment, so that should make her happy. There was something about my needing a nuclear bunker if she wasn’t on this list. She deserves it though, she’s another one of my faves.

@kittenspawn: Nichole is my unofficial big sister. I say that as someone who actually has a big sister. She messaged me in 2012 with questions about Bucky and Natasha, and from that point on she was screwed. She got me into Hellboy in turn, but I like to think I’ve thoroughly corrupted her and caused her to spend far too much money on certain things. Nichole is someone who I can go weeks without talking to, and yet we can fall right back into conversation as if we talked the night before. She’s been a terrible enabler over the years, but she’s also been there for me during some difficult times and when I’ve done very stupid and questionable things. I know she’ll say I’ve been there for her as well, but the scales are seriously tipped here. When I need advice, or when I need to talk to someone about something serious… she’s the person I go to. I can always count on her, and she’s pretty much family at this point.

@ohmygil: Gil. I think I found you through Davis? You’re just a very sensible person, and very rational about a lot of things. It’s refreshing to see that on the internet these days. You’re someone who I don’t think I’ve ever had a actual ‘discussion’ with, but I’m including you here because I really enjoy your presence on my dash. I stopped reading DC regularly with the New 52, and pretty much all my DC intake these days is absorbed through your blog. You also get points for liking Superman. Some people think he’s too powerful, or a big boy scout, and while I’ve never regularly collected his titles I am a fan.

@prof-anity: …You know, I was tempted to leave you off this list just to be a dick. Yours would be the longest entry, so I’m keeping it short because what is there to even say? How much needs to be said? Seven years ago you met a bitter teenage douchebag on a message board. You made the mistake of accepting his friendship when he reached out to you. You’ve stuck with me through highs and lows, man. It’s one of those relationships again, where we may not talk every day. We may not be up to date on the details and goings on in each other’s lives… but you said it yourself. Our friendship has been one of the best constants in the past seven years. A third of your life, btw. Isn’t that depressing? You are, truly, the best friend I have ever had. One day I’m going to meet you, hug you, and then insult you to your face. You’re truly a brother to me. I love you.

@readytocomply: Stef! Stef is a delight. Always pleasant, always fun. She’s also super creative? She makes great edits, great cosplays, and is just pretty damn great over all. Stef is another person who I try to model myself after when it comes to shipping things. Re: Multi-Shipping. Stef ships Steve and Bucky. I do not. Stef also ships Bucky and Natasha. Stef respects canon and appreciates Sharon Carter. All this may sound inane but I’m glad I didn’t meet Stef until I did, because 2013 Tim might have been a little asshole re his ships and missed out befriending a great person because of his own stubborness… that could cross into douchebaggery. Stef has quality content on her blog at all times. Sebastian Stan. Marvel. Star Wars. Mark Hamill.. Harry Potter. Tron. Just general film. Chicken nuggets. Stef is a quality person with a quality blog.

@rocktheholygrail: Dana is someone I met through the iZombie fandom, and she is another wizard. A gif wizard, who has too often indulged my requests or suggestions. She’s another person whose enthusiasm is contagious. I was able to convince her to watch the entirety of Prison Break (save the revival) in less than a month before it was taken off Netflix. I don’t think I ever apologized for that. Dana also is trash tho, bc like me, her favorite iZombie character is the trashiest. I say that tongue in cheek, at least the first part. It’s really been great though to have someone who recognize a character as both human and horrible, and who is capable of watching and enjoying them despite their being problematic. If this was another fandom, I’d expect to be judged or ostracized, but instead I’m enabled once again.

@swanmagic: Gia is another person who doesn’t post on tumblr much (at least her personal) these days, but I’m including her because she’s been one of my favorite RP partners for years and we still talk from time to time on twitter. She’s just a great writer, great person, great friend. She’s another person who has excellent (and varied) musical taste.

@thealbooty: I met Alberto through Davis. It’s another thing where I don’t remember the circumstances, there was just one day where suddenly Alberto was in my life. Alberto is just a good guy… and I just mean good. He’s pure. If Davis is Spongebob, I’m Squidward and Alberto is Patrick. Only not as dumb. We don’t talk as much these days which makes me sad, but I love him too. Back in the day the three of us used to have group Skype chats and watch movies together. There was one day when Davis couldn’t make it or wasn’t online, and he and I just watched Hellboy and chatted for a few hours. That’s when Alberto went from being a friend of a friend to my friend. I’m glad he’s my friend.

@thejazzdalek: Max is another person, like Gil, who I’ve never really had a discussion with? He’s followed me for ages though, both on tumblr and on twitter and I appreciate that. I don’t really know him that well after all this time, embarrassingly. He seems like a nice guy, though. Big into Doctor Who, OUAT, DC, Marvel, just sci-fi and fantasy in general.

@timelessmulder: Emily-Alice is someone who I’ve been mutuals with since like 2012 I think. I don’t even know if we’re in the same fandoms anymore, but we keep following each other regardless. Over the years we’ve discussed everything from OUAT to DC, and these days when we talk it’s mostly to pick apart The Flash. She’s someone who has been with me for ages though, and has seen things.

@uhohjonsnow: So Betty is one of the first friends I actually made on tumblr when I engaged in fandom? I was an obnoxious teenage white boy who thought he was straight and acted like it, and she tolerated me anyway. Again, she’s someone who was witness to a lot of nonsense. We really were dicks to each other, lmao. I adore her though, bc she really is sweet and laid back. We went for years without talking,not due to any falling out, but we just drifted apart. She actually took a year off tumblr and recently returned, and we reconnected. She also accidentally deleted her blog and started fresh, so um, go follow her!

@uminoko: We’ve been mutuals for like years, and she’s just a nice person? Again, that’s a pathetic compliment, but it is true. She’s also another individual who I feel I’ve learned from by following? Part of that has to due with her being a former civil rights lawyer, but beyond that she’s just yet another smarty pants who I don’t talk to that much. She also  messaged me privately when I came out, and made me laugh when I needed it. Also, she’s an actual Russian who is a fan of Black Widow and Winter Soldier.

@uncleclustersthirdbrain: Donnie. This might be a little weird, because Donnie and I only reconnected like two weeks ago after three years of not really talking to each other? Again, there’s no bad blood, and he deserves to be on here. I’ve actually known him for five years, we met through his girlfriend Morgan. Donnie’s another person who has seen things, re seen me at my worst. Most obnoxious, outspoken, salty, dickish… and so on. I’ve always sort of looked up to him, though? Back when 17 going on 18 year old Tim met him, there was a sort of ‘notice me sempai’ thing going on. He’s yet another person who is too cool for me. In spite of toolish tendencies, there were times when Donnie reached out to make sure I was okay when I was being dramatic and having anxiety attacks over damn comic books. It sounds ridiculous, and it was, but at the time comics were my escape and how I dealt with a lot of tough shit I was going through. I was invested. Heavily invested, to an unhealthy degree. He’s just a good person who cares about his friends, and people in general. He’s also a fucking brilliant writer, who just recently put out his first comic. So I’m going to use this as another excuse to pimp it for him. Not because he’s my friend, but because I’m a selfish bastard who wants to read more and wants you to give him money so he can make more. He makes no personal profit from it, all the money goes towards paying his artists and the production. I’ve pretty much walked away from buying monthly comics, but as I’ve told Donnie, this is one I would pull. The first issue of And The Hare had some of the best dialogue I’ve read in a comic in easily the last year. At least.

@xeleyan-tequila: I met Chelsea through the OUAT fandom, and like me she gave up on the show a long time ago. She’s another person I don’t really talk to that much these days, but she’s a lovely person with a lovely blog who posts a little bit of everything. There are personal details to our relationship I won’t get into bc it’s no one’s business, and though we’re still friendly we sort of fell out of touch. I enjoy following her though, and she’s a wonderful human being.

[flourish]

My life with comics

My best friend as a child has issues of Witchblade. Her parents bought it for her? Maybe. She has video games too, other things that I am allowed to engage with at other people’s houses but that I am not encouraged to bring home.

I love the sexy, powerful women in it. I don’t know that I want to be them, but I want to look at them forever. I don’t know how to get more issues. I know my mother wouldn’t approve.

I’m in high school. My best online friend is involved in scans_daily, and I’ve seen how much she loves superhero comics. I want to get into comics so I can talk with her about them.

There’s a comic shop about a quarter-mile from my house and I walk there in the Central Valley heat, ignoring the catcalls from the road. I’m used to it: in my suburb girls with long blonde hair don’t walk anywhere, and when they do they are fair game for any and all harassment. I’m still in the closet about being bi, still always femme, still painting my mouth with bright red lipstick. I don’t know any other way to be yet.

I get to the shop. It’s in a strip center that’s seen better days, and if you didn’t know it was still in business already, you might assume it was abandoned. I’ve been places like this to buy Magic cards before, got in and got out quickly, keeping my head down. I knew what happened when I played Magic with strange boys: they laughed at me, beat me hollow. After a few experiences like that I kept the cards not to play but just to look at the illustrations and imagine the worlds beyond them. I wanted to play, but I didn’t want to be humiliated.

No one speaks to me when I enter. I thumb through longboxes, feeling the eyes of the men behind the counter on me. I can feel the sweat drying on my back. I don’t want to ask questions. “Shopping for your boyfriend?” one of them finally ventures.

In retrospect, it was probably meant as a kindness.

At the time, I fled.

A few months later I’ve met a guy online. He’s into comics, so I gather up the courage to try again. This time when I go in to the same shop I can say “yes” when they ask whether I’m shopping for my boyfriend, but it’s not true. I have heard about Neil Gaiman’s 1602 and I want to get it weekly.

I go back over the course of months to pick up my one, singular comic. Once or twice someone tries to pick me up. Once the sales guy quizzes me on my knowledge, holding the issue hostage behind the counter as I struggle to explain that I don’t have a history with comics, that I just picked this one up because I like Neil Gaiman. He finally, grudgingly, gives it to me. “You should read—” he says, but then he catches himself: “it’s not out in trades and I don’t think we have all the issues.”

It doesn’t matter. I couldn’t afford to buy a long run of single issues anyway. My parents could, but I don’t have pocket money, and I’m supposed to be focusing on school, not getting a job. Or reading comics.

I like 1602, but I don’t get it. It’s so referential to characters I don’t know, storylines I can’t track. Every time I go into the shop, I feel more like an outsider. I’ve crossed the Rubicon. I am a regular, or anyway, a person who regularly comes in, even if I still don’t know anyone’s name. So why do I feel more left out than ever?

I end up at the same college as the guy I met online. He runs the comics library. Even after we break up, I’m welcome there. I finally feel like I can come in and flop down, pick up any comic I want, read it. I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to, and if I do talk to people, they are people I already know. I will not be quizzed.

The comics are in hardback books comprised of many single issues. I know they’re sent to a monastery to be bound together. (This is, though it seems fantastic, true.) I suppose that the monks are puzzled by the contents. My imagination doesn’t yet stretch to consider that some of the monks probably loved comics as boys, that they probably enjoy illicitly reading the issues as they bind them.

I can go back as far in comics history as I want to, here. There are first issues of all sorts of things. But I don’t. Every time I pick up something from the 80s or before, it’s too old, I don’t get it. When I try to pick things up in the middle, even the spots where people say “here’s where to start,” I feel that shivery misery of out-of-placeness. Maybe I’m not made for these. Maybe these are not made for me.

I read the full run of Ultimate Spider-Man, because I don’t have to know anything about what came before. I read V for Vendetta. I read Bone. I read Blankets. I read zines published by local artists. I don’t read any more superhero comics, after awhile. It’s not any individual person’s fault. It’s my fault, for not being more persistent. I shouldn’t have been put off by those actually-nice-guys who were just trying to be welcoming in an awkward way. After all, no one ever did anything really offensive. I should have listened more to my kind feminist boyfriend, to the scans_daily friend, even to my childhood best friend who somehow managed to get her hands on all sorts of pop culture that I wasn’t privy to. I shouldn’t have been daunted by canons that stretch back years before my birth. It’s me. I’m the one who’s at fault.

I watch people love superheroes from, it feels like, a long way away.

What if I loved superheroes?

I wax poetic about the new Spider-Man movie, about how much I hated the Tobey Maguire films because they weren’t really about a high school student. I scream with delight when the trailer comes on at SDCC, when I’m in Hall H and suddenly Peter Parker is in a high school comedy and Zendaya is flirting with him and it’s so great. Elizabeth is startled to find out that I care at all.

What if I was a fan of Spider-Man?

It’s not possible that I am a fan of Spider-Man. I know nothing about him. After all, I’ve only read Ultimate.

I feel confident at Comic-Con, going to the CBLDF party, walking around the floor. I know a lot about this stuff compared to most of the people here. I am a True Nerd.

I’m not a True Nerd. I only know a lot about comics compared to the Muggles.

The fact that I call them “Muggles” and not something else, something comics-specific, only illustrates that fact.

I read indie comics. My husband likes them more than me. I can’t compete with his expertise. I can’t compete with anyone’s expertise. So I begin to say, “I don’t read comics.” This is a lie.

I personally buy many of our comics, but they still feel like they belong to him.

I don’t look femme anymore, at least not high femme. I see myself in zines I buy at Printed Matter or at St. Mark’s Bookshop or online: people with long eyelashes and men’s haircuts. I don’t, somehow, connect these people with Witchblade, or with 1602. Their work is sold in bookstores. Their work is sold in Artists’ Alleys. They aren’t comics. Or they are, but they’re not that kind of comics.

They’re the kind of comics that I can read, not the kind of comics I can’t read.

I lift weights a lot. My favorite shirt reads THE SAVAGE SHE-HULK. I have never read a comic about She-Hulk.

I begin to think I might be non-binary, but I don’t care enough to insist on pronouns.

Maybe I do care enough. But I am set in my ways. People assume I’m straight, people assume I’m absolutely female. When I send up a test balloon about it, the reaction is stark: what the fuck. I don’t want to get into the argument.

I also don’t want to get into the argument about comics. I would rather not read superhero comics than have to defend my enjoyment of them, or have to fight my own instincts in order to enjoy them. So I don’t. I’ll study them and know all about them, intellectually, and I’ll watch the movie when it comes out but I won’t give my heart away.

This makes me a coward. I have recently come to recognize that I belong in Slytherin. I guess it comes with the territory.

I study fandoms for work. My closest colleague loves to read single issues, loves Marvel and DC. She follows a million superheroes, she writes criticism for fun in her off hours, she brings great insights. We do projects to look at superhero fandoms together and I know I’m resting in the fact that I can focus on just the parts I feel comfortable with and leave the rest to her. If I squint it’s almost like I’m just engaged in the fandom spaces I always have loved, the spaces that are familiar to me. The internet spaces where people write fanfic and make fanart. The spaces that are mostly female and enby.

On the internet nobody knows you’re a dog.

So why is it that I know so many women, so many women who are much more femme than me, so many women who are much more women than me, who embrace superhero comics?

Who identify as comics people, even if not superhero comics people?

Why can’t I seem to do it too, no matter how much I read?

I don’t normally self-disclose this way, for a lot of reasons. My work involves actively trying to ignore personal feelings about fandoms, checking and double checking against data to make sure that they’re being represented accurately and truthfully and honestly and fairly, and I think I do it pretty well. More to the point, I do it with a team, and we check each other.

Fansplaining involves criticism of fandom as well as celebration of it. A lot of times our experiences as hosts are beside the point. When Elizabeth said she thought we needed to do a big quadruple episode and address racism in Star Wars fandom, my stomach sank. Star Wars was my jam. I wept at the new movies. I owned a whole bookshelf of extended universe novels at one point. I didn’t want to look at how the fandom was flailing (and failing). But she was right. And my feelings were beside the point.

Still, it’s impossible to set aside everything you feel.

Are we really negative about comics on Fansplaining? I can’t tell. Or, I can: I combed through every time we’ve discussed them, and was satisfied that we weren’t. But then I got to the end and had another email from another listener saying that we were. I know from experience that perceptions are untrustworthy. My perceptions are untrustworthy. Relying on your gut means you get things wrong.

I resent that I feel obligated to write this post. I don’t want to talk about how easily intimidated I am. I don’t want to talk about my life as a teenager, when everything to do with gender felt momentous. And I don’t want to have my voice, as an upper middle class white person who isn’t usually visibly non-binary, be the voice that’s heard on this subject, when our interviewees on Fansplaining have surely been speaking from experiences of racism as well. But I guess I’m writing it anyway.

I don’t know how to unpick this knot. I don’t want to be unfair, but I don’t know how to be “neutral,” not in the podcast that Elizabeth and I manage to produce by the skin of our teeth around everything else in our lives. If it were my job I could do it. But I already have a job, and I do have to be neutral there, and I can’t do it any more than I already do.

There’s no answers here, but maybe there’s something useful.

[renaroo]

Wednesday Roundup

*long deep sigh*

Okay, I said last week I was going to cancel all Marvel subscriptions in response to the bullcrap that was revealed in Secret Empire. And I continue to firmly stand on not supporting Marvel on any decisions involving that catastrophe. But I must go back on my word. After discussing with friends and others about the best course of action, I am afraid that Marvel set things up -- what with the anti-diversity talks just a few weeks ago -- to make it seem as though any boycotts that would come about due to the Hydra revelations last week would be scapegoated to the titles that are doing the opposite. So I want to support titles that do just that -- titles like Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur -- so long as their book isn’t involved with the crossover and if their authors don’t seem to have much involvement either. 

... also I pre-ordered Deadpool Vol. 6 for a specific reason that I’ll get into in the review.

All that out of the way, let’s get into the comics this week~

DC’s Batman Beyond, Marvel’s Deadpool, DC’s Detective Comics, Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, DC’s Wonder Woman

DC’s Batman Beyond (2016- ) #7 Dan Jurgens, Bernard Chang, Marcello Maiolo

*long heralding sigh* We can’t leave well enough alone, can we, DC?

The continuity of Batman Beyond has somewhat been in the toilet from the start. Anything which got its start thanks to the awfulness that was Futures End was sort of doomed to that, especially since they were trying to make that the canon ending of the DCU proper, while at the same time drawing in elements from the animated series. 

This book, though, honestly gave me a lot of hope for what it was doing, which was to focus on the characters pretty specifically from the DCAU Batman Beyond cartoon and growing their stories and relationships rather than focusing on trying to put itself too immediately in the Earth Prime timeline. 

And those moments from this issue are great. We get more Max and Bruce interactions, which I love. We get some actual growth of Dana and Terry’s relationship. Curare is still one of my favorite villains. Matt’s increased role excites me.

And then we get this fucking page. 

I have a bad history with DC splash pages of “our family history” already (see any of my Batgirl (2009-2011) rants), but this one just goes straight for the throat. Sorry literally every woman in the Batfamily ever. I mean, usually at least Barbara gets a shoutout but not even that this time around. And then the worst offense is that Damian and Duke are both whitewashed. What the actual fuck.

This entire page is a disaster, especially since we are very obviously just using it to foreshadow that the leader of the League of Assassins has to do with Damian, because godforbid anyone but the biological child be treated special. 

Oh, sorry. Biological male child. Or else we’d see some plots with Helena Wayne, couldn’t have that. 

Oh, Batman Beyond. Why must you hurt me the way you do. I was enjoying you so much too. 

Marvel’s Deadpool (2015- ) Volume 6: Patience: Zero Gerry Duggan, Matted Lolli, Scott Koblish, Guru-eFX

So I’ve obviously made some exceptions to my Marvel rule and that is simply a case-by-case basis. There are stronger reasons for the other exception this week, Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, which I would honestly be devastated if it was taken down because of this monumental grossness that is Marvel right now because it’s the epitome of everything that’s not the Secret Empire catastrophe.

The other is Deadpool because I pre-ordered this volume months ago and because Deadpool is just a weird exception of a comic to begin with. At least as Deadpool is written under Gerry Duggan and how these particular issues especially are written.

So yes, while I would recommend all the issues in this trade to comic fans, the issue I really bought this volume for is for a very personal reason: #20 is the issue dealing with suicide and mental illness and... as someone who struggles on this road in my own life, in both point of views we have here, I am... very particular about how these issues are approached. I hate the way it was handled in Robin (1993-2009), despise the way it was portrayed in All-Star Superman, I just honestly don’t feel like I’ve ever read a story -- especially in comics -- that spoke to me and made me feel like I benefited from it the way the comics were obviously trying to make me feel. 

Deadpool goes the most realistic route I’ve ever seen this handled. It’s about “death is permanent, so let’s make sure there’s nothing else you want to do first” It’s about helping someone out, giving them other things to focus on in the moment, giving them more to experience, and then knowing when professional help is needed, when you’re beyond your means. 

And it’s hard. Deadpool says it best -- unkilling someone is way harder. And I’ve never felt an issue strike such a cord with me before. 

Of course, that’s only one of several issues collected, and we finally get the climax and our answers with Madcap. The entire storyline was rediculous, dramatic, frightening, and any range of emotions between. A great story overall even if anything involving Hydra -- especially Bob -- inherently sickens me at this point. 

If you’re on that level with me on the Hydra stuff, I would recommend buying #20 on its own and then #25 to finish up the Deadpool 2099 story which, for me, had a good conclusion to it. 

But yeah. This was a splurge purchase at least partially because... I have a feeling I won’t be picking up the next few trades of Deadpool flat out, honestly. Lots of Secret Empire this way comes. And I’m not happy about it. Hopefully I can pick up Vol. 8 or 9 and we can get back to Deadpool and Ellie and Preston and everything that makes me love this comic to begin with. 

DC’s Detective Comics (2016- ) #955 James Tynion IV, Marcio Takara, Marcello Maiolo

CASS HAS A GIRLFRIEND BALLERINA AND SHE APOLOGIZED AND ALL IS GOOD AND NOT AN ORPHAN ANYMORE BE STILL MY HEART

OKAY. So that’s out of my system. Last time (two weeks ago) I went into a full on rant about how there are things I Love about Tynion’s writing -- relationships, character building, the sense of family, understanding how to write Cass the way few writers other than her creators have truly gotten -- and things I Hate about Tynion’s writing -- an overall lack of build up for payoff, weak plots, a bit of a ‘break the status quo’ mentality despite a lack of building said status quo -- there are Things. And I can make entire essays about how I feel he needs to grow as a writer especially when it comes to writing mysteries which is what Detective Comics should be at its core. 

I’m putting that aside for now -- still there, I still have my issues with this arc -- but this issue is... It’s going to be a milestone. 

It’s going to be a milestone in bringing Cass’ character back into full form. And I loved every moment of it. The pacing was still.... ehhh. Could’ve probably benefited more from immediately starting with the flashback explaining Cass’ recovery and reintroducing our ballerina girlfriend, then launching into the present time uninterrupted. Maybe show Cass rescuing the others from their naked Hell, because as far as I can tell that just means we’re going to have another disorganized flashback in the next issue which isn’t making me excited because that should be the finale to all of this. 

Yatta yatta. Critical lenses are on, everyone, don’t worry. I’m still the Rena you know.

I just don’t care as much because those things I Love that I mentioned? They where here and they were with my favorite characters. And ALSO???? Tynion planted the seed of the ballerina and Cass living above the studio many issues ago??? And then actually gave us payoff for it??? What is this, a personal letter to me?

Nah, can’t be. No windows were broken in this issue.

I enjoyed myself is what I’m getting at. It’s amazing how I can be really irritated with Detective Comics and then all the sudden it drags me right back in with an issue that gets me just right. 

Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur (2015- ) #18 Amy Reeder, Brandon Montclare, Natacha Bustos, Tamra Bonvillain

So i’ve dropped some books in my personal Marvel ban, and I will be avoiding anything remotely related to Secret Empire like the plague, and I still encourage other people to do the same. But there are some books, some ideas, some diversity in the Marvel lineup that for me are simply just too important to throw out with the bathwater. 

Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur is 1000% a book I want to survive Marvel’s current tirefire. 

And since Marvel curiously made it clear that they were going to throw their diversity titles under the bus and blame them for any loss of sales this summer just before knowingly putting out a terribly controversial book, I can’t help but allow my suspicions to rise. 

Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur continues to be the best of the genre and the first book I recommend to kids -- which is something I do quite a lot. If you’ve been following my blog for a while you’ll know that I am very active in trying to get new, young readers into comics and have personally given out comics to kids in and out of the country. It’s something that is very important to me, having been raised with comics myself. 

So I am very happy to go back on my word for titles like Moon Girl and I’m so glad that a book so inviting and loving is around in the disaster that is the larger comic landscape for the Marvel Universe. 

DC’s Wonder Woman (2016- ) #21 Greg Rucka, Liam Sharp, Laura Martin

Considering how vocally I have been annoyed with the “B story” of this Wonder Woman run thus far, it’s a real relief to finally be able to say, as the storylines converge and we come sadly closer to the end of Rucka’s return to Wonder Woman, finally this slow burn has been worth it. And this moment I chose in particular -- Veronica Cale at long last taking Diana’s hand -- is so built up, is so necessary that it makes everything truly feel like it’s deservedly come full circle.

And Cale’s motivations in Rebirth fit so much better than they did in the Post-Crisis comics, it makes everything about this confrontation and this conclusion worthwhile.

Though there’s still a lot to be fixed in terms of Rucka’s more... tone deaf treatment of earlier racist tropes and so on that have proven to be basically completely unnecessary to this plot. That’s a pretty gross road to end up going down for no reason.

And finally we get to Ares. And maybe it’s the animal lover in me but I’m like “those poor Dobermen, hope they still have a home with Cale after the twin gods’ souls are released. 

... Look we all know I’m going to pick Detective Comics for my pick of the week this week because I’m a sheep and it hit everything I wanted from an issue of Detective Comics including giving us more Cass-Ballerina action and having a fanciful callout to Phantom of the Opera that made my heart soar. 

But I would, for this week, also like to provide a secondary pick for Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur for being not just a fantastic book (which it is) but continuing to provide a bright light at the end of a very, very long and dark tunnel that is the Marvel Universe. It is the Marvel of tomorrow if they could just stop with their bullshit. Which, because it’s Marvel, they probably won’t. 

But these are just my thoughts and opinions, I’d love to hear from all of you. What did you think of this week? Any good titles I’m not picking up? I’d love to hear from you

[jayfromriverside-blog]

Comics I read this week: 9/9-9/13

Hey all, here’s a smattering of some of the books I read this week. Some interesting issues out this week, but also some disappointments:

Saban’s Go Go Power Rangers #23

There were two driving forces behind my moral development as a child: Batman and the Power Rangers. It was more than a little disappointing to grow up and find out that you couldn’t just punch bad people and that solved things, but when Boom Studios started this Power Rangers comic, it reminded me of why I loved the Power Rangers in the first place.

I would definitely recommend this series to anyone who was a fan of the Rangers at any point, or who is looking for a good new Action book, but it comes with a caveat: This series is not easy to jump into, for 2 main reasons.

Though this is the better series, it’s not the first Power Rangers comic that Boom Studios currently has going, and unfortunately the first series goes further in depth on the larger Rangers Universe

The stories from each of the 2 Rangers books often reference or call back to elements from each other. This often means that keeping track of plot elements or continuity can get confusing between the 2 books if you’re not following along closely.

If you’re still interested in hopping into these comics, here would be the reading order I would suggest: start with this series (Go Go) for issues #1-20, as it covers the origins of the Rangers and their first year. Then start the mainline book, Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. After you’re all caught up there, you should be good to jump back into Go Go without any issues, and can even hop between series with toooooo much confusion. 

Into the actual meat of this week’s issue: while the mainline series is much more focused on a grander Sci-Fi narrative, this series has a lot of the “monster-of-the-week” feel of the show. That’s definitely on display in this issue, where action and monster bashing take center stage. But what this comic has over the show is character depth and long-term story telling. The characters in this comic feel fleshed out and are evolving like real people, and while it’s definitely still fun, it doesn’t skimp out on the drama either. 

If you’re looking for a fun throwback to childhood with a little more emotional oomph for your mature soul, definitely give this book a go.

Justice League Odyssey #13

I’m genuinely surprised every time a new edition of this book comes out, cause I’m half expecting it to be quietly cancelled every other week. But hey, I’m not gonna complain, cause as much as the changes in art have been less than great, I’m still excited to see the Justice League Z-Team struggle with cosmic cleanup duty out in the Ghost Sector.

For anyone who hasn’t read this book and doesn’t feel like starting from the beginning, you could get away with hopping on now. It would be safe to say that the first 12 issues were the first arc of this comic, and that #13 is setting the groundwork for the second big arc. With the destruction of the Source Wall way back in No Justice, the Ghost Sector has been left as almost a wild-West out in deep space. If you’re a fan of Dex-Starr, Jessica Cruz and some other cosmic outcast characters, I’d hop on now and see if this book is for you.

For anyone currently reading this book, some minor opinions and SPOILERS AHEAD:

So Jess stayed dead for way shorter than even I thought. But hey, revival at the hands of the Omega Radiation that killed her only to be imbued with Omega Beam shooting fists seems almost poetic. I’m interested to see what the new cast of outcasts has to bring to the table in terms of opposing Darkseid and assaulting the Ghost Sector, especially now that our original team has been almost entirely converted into NEW New Gods. But it’s a welcome evolution of Jessica’s character to see her taking charge and leading a team, and more Dex-Starr in my life is always appreciated. 

On a less story focused note, the art in this new ark is good so far, but man, fuck whoever did the flashback sequence with Cyborg. On a page with his face popping up at least 5 or 6 times head on, you couldn’t remember or decide if his cybernetic side was on the left or the right? It flip flops every panel so that it’s facing away from the reader. It’s overall a minor thing, but c’mon, it’s not hard to keep that straight.

The Flash #78

I’m just tired at this point. 

The Flash’s mythos being re-written to have such an emphasis on the forces is just... really boring. The force users are pretty one-note characters and though Barry’s musings on life and trying to outrun Death are interesting, the rest of the chapter and this story arc haven’t been nearly as much. The art isn’t bad, but it’s not enough to save this title. If you’re gonna stick around for the Flash ride, have fun, let me know when it gets interesting again.

Young Justice #8

I think I mentioned it last week, but similar to Justice League Odyssey and the Terrifics, I think it’s a great idea for writers to take some of the smaller teams in the DCU out of the greater narrative and put them (effectively) in their own worlds. Better yet, Brian Michael Bendis seems to be having a ton of fun taking this young team on a multiverse-exploring adventure. 

While his work with Alias and Daredevil are some of my favorite books, I think Bendis does his best work when writing younger heroes. He seems to understand how to write entertaining young characters while making them believable, and most importantly not making them grating. 

If you need anymore convincing to get this series, and you maybe don’t fully trust Bendis after the pretty terrible years he’s had of late, then John Timms’ art should swing you. Timms has managed to strike a great balance between cartoonish modeling and dynamic action paneling which is difficult enough, but he’s also been switching up his art styles as the team goes from world to world. The guy is on top of his game right now and it’s perfectly complimenting Bendis’ universe-hopping story.

I don’t want to spoil this issue too much, but the team find themselves on Earth-3, the home of the Crime Syndicate, and face off against evil versions of themselves. While this issue was wall-to-wall action from the start, it managed to have some good character moments peppered throughout, and it looks like it might the start of the next micro-arc. This book has been great so far and only looks like it’s going to get better.

Batman Universe #3

I feel like I can’t judge this book fairly. 

I love pop-art, I’m a sucker for a good Batman story, and lighthearted superhero stories are exactly what I need to breakup the self-serious tones of a lot of the other superhero books I read. This book by Bendis and Nick Derington hits every single one of those beats. 

If you’re looking for a self-serious Batman book you’re looking in the wrong place; but if you’re looking for a book where Batman jokes with Green Lantern about how much he likes dinosaurs before being transported through time, then you’ve got a lot of fun ahead of you.

On a side note, DC put a huge amount of faith in Bendis giving him this series, Action Comics, Superman, Naomi and Young Justice. Aside from the main Superman book, which has been horrendous in every sense of the word, he’s been writing some of the best stuff he’s done in years. Not quite on par with his Daredevil or Ultimate Spider-Man runs, but still some really great stuff.

Detective Comics #1011

Last we left the Caped Crusader, he and a bunch of his billionaire friends were stranded on an island, with Bruce teamed up with a pair of crotchety WWII fighter pilots and his rich friends held captive by Deadshot. Basically we’re in a “Deadliest Game” scenario with Batman and Deadshot hunting each other on a remote island. It’s kind of like all the parts of “Arrow” that people have told me are actually good. I don’t know, I haven’t watched that show, it looks like hot garbage. 

Anyway, this 2-issue story was always just a stop-gap while Mr. Freeze (or the writers) figured out how to use the new technology boost from Lex Luthor. While I always appreciate a visit from Deadshot, as he’s one of Batman’s more under appreciated villains in my opinion, this story was pretty paint by numbers. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t fun, just that it was always the stuff coming next that felt more compelling. 

Event Leviathan #4

This book has been pretty interesting so far, but seems to have the fanbase pretty divided. I’ve seen a lot of comments on the latest issue claiming that nothing has actually happened in this story so far, and that we’re just watching Bendis spin his gears in search of a story. Maybe I’m a sucker for a good noir, but I would say that this story has had its share of action at the start, but unlike a lot of comics, it’s a slow burn story. I’m not nervous yet, as Bendis has experience with noir and has shown he can do it well.

I’m not saying that this book doesn’t have its problems: the art, while objectively impressive, is hard to parse out the details in some of the darker scenes with all of the texture filters thrown over it. Similarly, though I have faith that Bendis has an idea where this story is going, the last issue didn’t really make a ton of sense (until a little later in this issue, but at the time it wasn’t wholly believable).

Batman #78

It seems that so many people have soured on Tom King at this point that I’m in the minority saying that I’m still enjoying his run on Batman. I’m not saying it hasn’t been without its faults, I was gutted just like everyone else when issue 50 came out and tore a chance at tangible change in the Bat-universe out from under us fans. But King’s writing and storytelling, though self-indulgent at times, has been largely good and in clear pursuit of a single goal: to tell the story of Batman being broken, like he’s never been broken before. 

As fans we need to remember that the man was handed the reins to 100 issues of Batman and said he was going to tell 1 story. Not an event that would inform the rest of his run, but 1 singular story told over 100 issues. It was a herculean task and it was always going to be a slow burn, but we’re in the endgame now with City of Bane in full swing and Batman just beginning to look up from the pit he’s fallen in. He’s been physically and emotionally broken, shamed himself in front of his family and been discredited amongst his peers, and ultimately forced out of his own city. So let’s see the way back.

Ok, so this wasn’t a bad issue, but it wasn’t the right issue. I’m a huge fan of how Tom King has written Bat/Cat, and when combined with Clay Manpi’s art and paneling this issue feels like I’m watching a classic James Bond movie. But while watching Bat/Cat reconcile their issues that originally tore them apart was long overdue and felt great, this was not the right time for this issue. 

After being left on the cliffhanger of Damion being captured and ALFRED POTENTIALLY KILLED, seeing Bat and Cat talking at an island retreat was just too far removed and casual. This has probably been the biggest issue I’ve personally had with King’s run: timing. But it seems like it’s all kicking off in the next few issues, so let’s see where this all finally ends.

[theconservativebrief]

For all the nostalgia they can inspire, school yearbooks are often full of things we’d rather forget: unflattering pictures, suggestions from people we may have liked more than they liked us urging to “keep in touch” or “have a good summer,” and awkward memories of who we once were.

Rarely do they serve as anything more than a sometimes bittersweet record of a very specific time in our lives. But in a major exception, the meaning of yearbooks and what young humans write in them, or rather used to write in them, is currently at the center of a national conversation with history-making repercussions, because of what Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and his longtime friend and former classmate Mark Judge wrote in corresponding 1983 senior yearbook messages.

Three women have brought allegations of sexual misconduct and assault against Kavanaugh, describing drunken acts they say Kavanagh committed in high school and college. Kavanaugh has flatly denied those allegations, including in a televised interview with Fox News in which he presented himself as a virginal square. Now, there’s a debate over what type of person Kavanaugh really was in high school and who he is today, and his yearbook entry has become an artifact that might help discern the truth from fiction.

Of particular interest is the phrase, “Judge, have you boofed yet?” which appears on Kavanaugh’s senior yearbook page and seemingly corresponds to the phrase, “Bart, have you boofed yet?” which appears on Judge’s page. Judge, as Slate explains, published Wasted: Tales of a Gen X Drunk, a 1997 memoir about his experience with alcoholism in high school that featured a character named “Bart O’Kavanaugh,” a reference to his real-life friend with the strikingly similar name.

Many have subsequently wondered what it means to “boof,” and the definition may now underpin the argument that a man who’s being considered for a seat on the Supreme Court might also be someone who has demeaned and assaulted women.

There’s certainly no shortage of entries for “boof” on Urban Dictionary, which frequently comes up in internet search results for anyone Googling the term. But the key to the etymological puzzle behind the word is knowing how it was used in the 1980s, when Kavanaugh and Judge included it in their yearbook entries. And most of the available evidence seems to point toward it being a slang term for anal sex.

One of the most concrete examples of it being used, though in a different context, is in the cult classic movie Teen Wolf. The movie was released in 1985, a couple years after Kavanaugh and Judge wrote their yearbook entries. In it, Scott (Michael J. Fox) has two love interests, the blonde dreamgirl Pamela Wells (Lorie Griffin) and the brunette girl next door, Lisa “Boof” Marconi (Susan Ursitti).

Who Scott chooses isn’t as telling as the shock felt by some viewers — there’s actually an old message board conversation about it — that the movie featured a character known as Boof.

To some who were familiar with the term at the time, boof was slang for anal sex, hence the shock over Teen Wolf’s Boof.

There’s also another, totally different instance of “boof” being used in the 1980s. In 1981, two years before Kavanaugh’s yearbook entry, a man named John Paul Bonser was born. Bonser would grow up to become a professional baseball pitcher for the Minnesota Twins, Boston Red Sox, and the Oakland A’s. If the name John Paul Bonser doesn’t ring a bell even to baseball fans, it’s because he legally changed his name to Boof Bonser in 2001.

Bonser has said that his mother gave him the nickname when he was a child, but never explained what it meant. “I don’t really want to know why, to be honest with you,” he told the New York Time in 2006. “I guess I had no reason to go up and ask her. I just left it at that.”

It’s very difficult to find established usage of “boof” in publications of the era, which is understandable given its risqué apparent definition and that it was slang. But in that message board conversation about Teen Wolf, a user who self-identified as being from the East Coast provided a corroborating account that “boof” grew out of “Bu-Fu (pronounced boo-foo), which was in turn short for butt fuck.”

There’s a similar account, posted in 2006, on this kayaking message board. In the kayaking world, “boof” is the name for a technique kayakers use when paddling toward a waterfall, and has nothing to do with sex of any kind. Kayaking aficionados who participated in the discussion were tickled to learn that the maneuver had another, very different meaning.

A recent community post on Daily Kos, written in response to news reports about Kavanaugh’s yearbook entry, affirms the anal sex definition. And earlier this week, John Lomax, an editor at Texas Monthly, noted that even though he is younger than Kavanaugh and from a different geographical region, the word also had “bufu” origins and a similar meaning when he was in school:

As a Jesuit school boy, albeit of a slightly later era, and far from DC, for us, “boofing” did not refer to anally ingesting drugs or alcohol. Back then it referred to anal sex exclusively, deriving from “buttfuck,” down to “bufu,” and finally “boof.”

— John Nova Lomax (@geronimolomax) September 25, 2018

The most sensible guess, then, is that when Kavanaugh and Judge each appeared to ask via their public yearbook entries if the other had “boofed yet,” they were two friends joking about whether they’d ever had anal sex.

Today, the slang version of the term has mutated slightly. It still involves one’s rear end, but it now appears to mean ingesting alcohol or drug through one’s butt. A simple search on Reddit, Quora, Urban Dictionary or Twitter confirms as much (and yields multiple tips and tricks for doing it, too).

Trying to talk about anal sex is like trying to talk about a lot of things involving the human body — just think of all the slang involving genitalia — in that it can be embarrassing. Coming up with a nickname like boof adds a layer of comedy and allows people to more comfortably incorporate a mention of it into casual conversation. But in Kavanaugh’s case, it’s actually quite serious.

Trying to read between the lines of someone’s senior yearbook page is a strange exercise. But it’s not unlike the way, in 2018, we write our own narratives on social media, or piece together stories about other people we follow on social media.

We regularly share things that we think define us — from a cause we’re volunteering for to a joke we find funny to a political argument we agree with to a picture we think we look attractive in. We may have a desired outcome in mind, but we can’t control what the people who see our updates think. The way outsiders interpret the way we present ourselves is completely up to them.

On one hand, it’s easy to compare Kavanaugh’s senior yearbook entry to a Twitter or Instagram feed and write it off as a kid being a kid. Kavanaugh undoubtedly put forth a specific persona in his yearbook, just like any modern teen would do today.

But on the other hand, Kavanaugh is now up for one of the most powerful positions in the United States and his senior yearbook entry, along with a wall calendar he maintained at the time, is one of the only concrete things we have to refer to when processing serious allegations of sexual assault that have been brought against him from that time. Like it or not, they paint a picture of what he was like a teen and a young man.

Christine Blasey Ford, who attended an all-girls high school while Kavanaugh attended Georgetown Prep, says that Kavanaugh pushed her down on the bed, covered her mouth to muffle her protests, and tried to remove her clothes. She says that Kavanaugh’s friend Mike Judge was in the room at the time.

Deborah Ramirez, the second woman to come forward with an allegation against Kavanaugh, says that in college, he thrust his penis into her face while laughing.

And Julie Swetnick, the third woman to come forward with allegations against Kavanaugh, says that she witnessed Kavanaugh and his friends take advantage of inebriated women at parties and that she was assaulted at one of these parties. (She did not directly say that Kavanaugh assaulted her.)

Kavanaugh has repeatedly denied all of the allegations made against him and presented a very chaste version of himself as a teenager:

“I was focused on academics and athletics, going to church every Sunday at Little Flower, working on my service projects, and friendship,” he said in his Fox News interview. “I did not have sexual intercourse or anything close to sexual intercourse in high school or for many years thereafter.”

And to be clear, one can still go to church, perform service projects, and not have sexual intercourse, yet still commit sexual harassment or assault. But the disconnect here is that when he was a teen, Kavanaugh presented himself in a very different way, in part through a yearbook entry that appears to be rife with jokes about heavy drinking (“100 kegs or bust” and “Beach Week Ralph Club”) and sex, including “Have you boofed yet?” among others (“The Devil’s Triangle” and “Renate Alumnius”).

None of these things confirm that Kavanaugh committed sexual assault, nor do they confirm that he isn’t the man that he says he is. It’s possible that they were empty brags and jokes.

But Kavanaugh hasn’t really provided a compelling reason to believe who he says he is. And regardless of what he actually meant by “Have you boofed yet?” it’s no wonder, in light of the allegations made against him, that many people searching for answers have questioned his intentions in using the term.

Original Source -> Brett Kavanaugh’s yearbook: the “boof” joke, explained

via The Conservative Brief