#is it any surprise every living being in venice wanted to bang it out with amadeo when he was wearing all of *that*?

[apoptoses]

Armand lived in Venice during the absolute sluttiest period for mens’ clothes and I gotta talk about it.

Anne constantly used Botticelli as a reference for clothes (who was at his peak in the 1470s/1480s) but Armand was in Florence when Savonarola died, which puts him in Venice the late 1490′s. Fashion was moving fast, there was a big moral panic over society falling apart and becoming too secular, and in Venice it was time to let your inner ho out.

The look: Short. Tight. Made of as many expensive scraps as possible.

Let’s get into it.

The words used to describe clothes in TVA have zero basis in reality but were probably chosen because the average reader can picture a tunic easier than they can suss out what a cioppa was. So for quick reference:

Shift: a shirt (made out of linen, unless you want Armand to be the stinkiest boy in Italy. Shirts needed to be white, which meant they were bleached with piss, and ammonia eats away silk. So he could not have worn a silk shirt unless it was never going to be washed and he was happy to run around with pit stains, which would have been horrible). Considered an underwear layer.

Doublet: the renaissance equivalent of your shirt. Wool or silk, either is fine.

Cioppa: a pleated ‘tunic’ worn over your doublet, always sleeveless. Wool or silk.

Gamurra: your coat. Wool or silk.

Hose: pants, always made of wool flannel

So most folks reading probably picture Armand in something like this, ala Botticelli’s time:

Long cioppa, down mid thigh or to the knee, puffy sleeved doublet, not too risque. But this is like 25 years out of date by Armand’s time, and when he goes shopping it’s with a bunch of teenage boys with Daddy’s credit card. Marius, with his ever present Botticelli hard on, might have had them wear this stuff sometimes but this is not what a fashionable boy at the time would go out and buy himself.

Now the dude on the right here:

This is the look.

Doublet? Tight

Cioppa? Short

Ass? Out.

The entire point of the style was to show off your snatched waist and manly thighs and boy did the Venetians do just that.

Also doublets by this period were basically scraps of fabric tied together to show as much shirt as possible. Which was scandalous because your shirt is your underwear, so running around like this was the renaissance equivalent of wearing a sheer shirt with your bright pink bra exposed.

As a little rich boy and Master’s favorite, Armand would have been able to afford the finest linen, so sheer it would have been nearly see-through. Which makes a helluva statement when your doublet was split down the front like this:

His hose would be bias cut wool flannel for maximum stretch and maximum ass sculpting. Until the later 15th century hose were just thigh high stockings, and your doublet had to be long enough to cover your underwear. Now that doublets were being worn cut off at the waist hose had to be joined like modern pants. But how did you keep your junk safely in the trunk?

Enter the pre-cursor to the codpiece, which I mentally refer to as The Dick Flap:

This was a little triangle of fabric, shaped to hold your goods. It tied to the waist at each upper corner. Hose were so tight you couldn’t wear underwear (!) so you just had to tie your flap tight and go about your day. Like the modern zipper, it made for easy access (do with that info what you will)

This was the first time in European history that men just ran around with their full crotch emphasized and on display, so having your doublet so short it just all hangs out was both sexy and shocking to people.

But how did these pants stay up, you wonder?

Your pants would be tied to the hem of your doublet. Which meant that every day, Armand had to have someone lace him into his super tight clothes. I personally headcanon that he and Riccardo helped each other get dressed every day while he was mortal but you can feel your own fantasy on that one.

Another fun trend during the period was having your family emblem or a symbol of your trade embroidered on the sleeve of your gamurra:

Which Marius would have taken full advantage of, and put his fleur de lis in pure gold thread on every gamurra Armand had.

Here’s some more fashion fit pics just for fun:

Fleur de lis branding on the gamurra and the hose? Marius would have been into it.

The tied on sleeves! The shift pulled out of every seam! The renaissance man ass everywhere!

A plump and juicy young man indeed.

Anyways I hope this was useful or inspirational, or at least makes your next reread of the Vampire Armand more fun. Because the clothing descriptions in there don’t even begin to touch the painted on fashion fantasy that was going on in 1490s Venice.

(also if anyone really, really wants to see details on what Armand would have seen when he put on his clothes, I’m making a 1490s fit with all historically correct methods right now and I can post some of that if there’s interest)

[myfandomrambles]

C-PTSD & BPD DOctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3c)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

11th Doctor:

The Eleventh Doctor is a character that is the perfect representation of instability. He oscillates from generally childish, a cold force of nature and a chaotic man broken from anger and grief. It’s a compelling characterization because it gives some unpredictability in a show that can be formulaic. This doctor also is driven by a fear of abandonment and lack of attachment, probably because everyone Ten came to care for left him or got left behind him, this is shown in the 0 to 100-way Eleven acts within relationships. He is very alien and doesn’t do much to try and blend in a normal sense but does to cover up why he does thing still aching for acceptance. 

Eleven has the common Doctor trait of just running so nothing can touch you and avoid staying still in a very extreme state for much of the run, up until he has no other choice. It's a large part of the character’s arc stopping long enough to make a difference. 

Lack a sense of internal identity/stable self-image and he uses the idea of The Doctor as a mask (TV: Eleventh Hour, TV: Victory of The Daleks, TV: The Wedding of River Song, TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship). The Doctor references this phenomenon “Look, three options. One, I let the Star Whale continue in unendurable agony for hundreds more years. Two, I kill everyone on this ship. Three, I murder a beautiful, innocent creature as painlessly as I can. And then I find a new name because I won't be The Doctor any more.”(TV: The Beast Below)

When introducing himself to Craige Eleven says;“ I'm The Doctor. Well, they call me The Doctor. I don't know why. I call me The Doctor, too. Still don't know why.” we know that there are reasons, like his promise that he chooses to use this title Eleven feels a disconnection from the word (TV: The Lodger) Being The Doctor is built on being that hero (TV: The God Complex)

The construction of the identity is remarked upon in TV: The Day of The Doctor, The Doctor itself is a construct they try and hold themselves to, the name is a “promise” a way they want to be. That promise was “Never cruel or cowardly. Never give up, never give in.” 

Connects his identity and emotions to inanimate objects like his Bow Tie, Fez, and Sonic (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Hungry Earth, TV: The Snowmen, TV: The Rings of Akhaten, & TV: Hide)

Eleven also changes his affect and personality around other for example River. Amy points this out saying “You're letting people call you sir. You never do that.” (TV: Time of Angels) 

The Doctor hates himself to a large degree even when talking himself up periodically. His self-concept often comes as a very powerful view of a god-like entity. This view is based on actual action and the way others see him, it can cause a huge dissonance and adds to his feelings of responsibility to everyone. (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang, TV: Day of the Moon, TV: The Wedding of River Song, TV: The Time of The Doctor & TV: The Day of The Doctor)

When Eleven, Amy and Rory get the psychic pollen in their brains The Doctor comments on the “dream Lord’; “No, no. No. Sorry, wasn't it obvious? The Dream Lord was me. Psychic pollen. It’s a mind parasite. It feeds on everything dark in you, gives it a voice, turns it against you. I'm nine hundred and seven. It had a lot to go on.” Amy is disturbed by this idea because the dream lord was both the villain of the dream and openly insulted Eleven like saying “If you had any more tawdry quirks you could open up a Tawdry Quirk Shop. The madcap vehicle, the cockamamie hair, the clothes designed by a first-year fashion student. I'm surprised you haven't got a little purple space dog just to ram home what an intergalactic wag you are. Where was I?” (TV: Amy’s Choice). 

In TV: A Good Man Goes to War Eleven explicitly states he does not believe he is a good man. Eleven literally says “Oh no, no, no, no, no. Give me someone I like.” referring to when the TARDIS offers a holo doctor as the voice interface. This shows he does not have a positive opinion of himself. 

In TV: The God Complex Eleven speaks the Minotaurs last words “An ancient creature, drenched in the blood of the innocent, drifting in space through an endless, shifting maze. For such a creature, death would be a gift. Then accept it, and sleep well. I wasn't talking about myself.” Eleven doesn’t seem to disagree, is caught off guard but seems to hit home. While Eleven doesn’t actively want to die and does try and live, but we can see that there are times when this does fail. He does view himself as broken down.  

 The Doctor’s rules are used as a kind of system of maintaining the idea of the ‘Doctor’ and a way of coping with the wrongs he has done, and a shorthand of communication (TV: The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood, &TV: Let’s Kill Hitler) These rules are also used in his own mind to try and give moral guidelines as part of this identity maintenance and to try and not hurt others. We see this in the comment Eleven makes “Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many.” (TV: A Good Man Goes to War)

The Doctor has a lot of guilt in his life, he is willing to let himself die for others, his imposed isolation and his rules all reflect this. (TV: Amy’s Choice, Minisode: Night and The Doctor, TV: A Good Man Goes To War, Prequel to Let's Kill Hitler, TV: Let’s Kill Hitler, TV: The Girl Who Waited, TV: The God Complex, & TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Name of The Doctor, TV: The Time of The Doctor, & TV: The Day of The Doctor) We see this really explicitly when he has the chance to find more time lords in TV: The Doctor's Wife and Amy reminds him what they thought he did to the others. 

Eleven says “I can explain. Tell them why I had to.” Amy then says “You want to be forgiven.” The Doctor then replies, “Don't we all?”. In that same story, Eleven says “Another Ood I failed to save.” when the Ood dies, referencing his history of letting Ood die in fights like in TV: The Satan Pit. 

After seeing the effect his story has had on those around him and the way it hurt people he cares about we see him delete himself from history out of guilt. (Home Video: The Inforarium, TV: Asylum of The Daleks and TV: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, & TV: The Nightmare in Silver).

Guilt often leads to him raining in his outward shows of strength to not invoke more guilt or memories of things like his believed use of the moment. However, it’s not always the case when Karlah-Jax triggers his trauma the guilt manifests in hurting others. The Doctor justifies his actions with a combination of trauma-based guilt and his moral system saying: “But they keep coming back, don't you see? Every time I negotiate, I try to understand. Well, not today. No. Today, I honour the victims first. His, the Master's, the Dalek's, all the people who died because of my mercy!” (TV: A Town Called Mercy) 

In TV: The Day of The Doctor we see how guilt is a huge diver of most of what they do throughout the show. Even to the point, the War Doctor wonders if without the guilt he would even become the same man that 10 and 11 are. However, it is important to note that using the moment isn’t the only guilt The Doctor carries. What he did to his companions is another one. Guilt and responsibility also drive a lot of the behaviour in TV: The Time of The Doctor. 

Eleven has extreme difficulties with handling his impulsive behaviours (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Vampires of Venice, TV: Vincent and The Doctor, TV: The Curse of The Black Spot, TV: The Lodger, TV: The Doctor's Wife, Minisode: Space/Time. TV:Asylum of The Daleks, TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship, TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: The Rings of Akhaten, TV: Hide, TV: Journey To The Centre of The TARDIS, TV: The Name of The Doctor, & TV: The Day of The Doctor) His mind and thoughts get so ahead of himself he’ll do dumb things like baiting the armed people in the white house to shoot at him (TV: The Impossible Astronaut).

The Doctor has obsessive thoughts and behaviors connected with the impulse control and preoccupation with trauma (TV: Vincent and the Doctor,TV: The Wedding of River Song, TV: Closing Time, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Rings of Akhaten, TV: journey to the center of the TARDIS & TV: The Time of The Doctor).

 Puts himself in deadly and dangerous situations. Often a combination of hero complex and a lack of regard for his own well being in dangerous moments. (TV: Victory of Daleks, TV: The Big Bang, TV: Let’s Kill Hitler, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: Hide, & TV: Journey To The Center of The TARDIS)

This behaviour can become almost suicidal in nature taunting and getting to close other enemies. In TV: Flesh and Stone he puts himself in more danger than necessary. One of his plans amounts to suicidal actions. We can see similar actions in TV: The Rings of Akhaten, TV: Nightmare in Silver and TV: Cold War where he is willing to kill everyone to save others. 

After seeing The Doctor die Amy, River and Rory discuss what the next thing they should do is. We get this dialogue: 

Rory: “We're not all going to arrange our own wake and invite ourselves. So, The Doctor, in the future, knowing he's going to die, recruits his younger self and all of us to, to what, exactly? Avenge him?” 

River: Uh-huh. Avenging's not his style. 

Amy: Save him. 

Rory: Yeah, that's not really his style either.” 

In this conversation, we see that they recognize that Eleven one doesn’t want his friends to act violently, and Rory also recognizes that The Doctor is willing to die for, whatever the astronaut was about. (TV: The Impossible Astronaut)

Has very strong and reactive emotional states. The emotional reactions are shown very visibly in his face, voice and actions. (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Victory of The Daleks, TV: The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, TV: The Beast Below, Minisode: Space/Time, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: A Good Man Goes To War, TV: Let’s Kill Hitler, TV: The God Complex, TV: Asylum of The Daleks, TV: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, & TV: Journey To The Center of The TARDIS ) We also often see extreme rapid cycling emotions and affect (TV: Amy’s Choice, TV: The Pandorica Opens, The Rebel Flesh / The Almost People, TV: Closing Time, TV: The Doctor's Wife, & TV: The Rings of Akhaten)

We see an example of this when Eleven is talking his effect going from slightly annoyed, excited and falls down to tired and then cold derision all in one paragraph length of speech “Home. Well, you two are. Off you pop and make babies. And you, Doctor Song, back to prison. And me? I'm late for a biplane lesson in 1911. Or it could be knitting. Knitting or biplanes. One or the other. What? A mysterious summons. You think I'm just going to go? Who sent those messages? I know you know. I can see it in your face. Don't play games with me. Don't ever, ever think you're capable of that.” (TV: The Impossible Astronaut)

In TV: The Doctor's Wife we see an expression of cold and extreme anger. He slips in an expression of cruelty in the way he talks to the people who live on House threatening them and telling them to run. Ith the TARDIS they kill the house with only callous anger and disregard. We see a similar show TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship when his anger at the lack of morality that Solomon shows and his treatment of the Silurians and Nefertiti he kills the man to save the others. He does this showing very little regret a combination of severe anger and his ability to shut down and dissociate from his emotions. 

Another act of his anger common out in an act of manipulative violence is the TV: The Bells of Saint John by using the Base station to threaten to bring down and scare people into action and ends up using it. 

An extreme example of how strongly his anger can run is seen when he learns of the actions of Kahler-Jex. He comes back angry at the lies and feeling deeply upset at the lies. It escalates with Jax telling The Doctor he doesn’t understand when The Doctor absolutely understand what position Jax was in. All of this peaks and when Kahler-Jex references The Doctor’s own trauma and actions in his history of not only the Time War but the other actions he’s had to take, along with the all the death he blames on his inactions as well. It pushes him to the edge of violence yelling and acting out physically. However, unlike other examples of The Doctor being willing to hurt others to protect something and/or someone he loves this time it’s out of a trigger to the past, he loses control of the anger he feels. 

Jax “You wouldn’t” 

The Doctor replies “I Genuinely don’t know.” 

This shows that being so disconnected to the emotions his trauma brings makes this scene confuse him. (TV: A Town Called Mercy)

After Amy is captured Eleven shuts down his emotions, a strong emptiness comes over him which is different from Rory who has a level of desperation and love for Amy. 

Rory says “Amy, can you hear me? We're coming for you. Wherever you are, we're coming, I swear.” 

The Doctor answers; “She can't hear you. I'm so sorry. It's one way.”  

Rory replies “She can always hear me, Doctor. Always. Wherever she is, and she always knows that I am coming for her. Do you understand me? Always.” 

(TV: The Day of The Moon)

The Emotional shutdown can even form a block in his empathy, much like rage he sometimes swings the other way trying to not feel, TV: The Snowmen, but being unable to manage these he often starts lashing out to others by trying to act on feelings. 

In TV: A Good Man Goes To War when Vastra points out he is seen as a weapon his emotions go from sadness to an episode of dissociation. We can see this as he loses the ability to register what the others are saying and has to be brought out of it. A similar event can be seen after an anger outburst and discussions truly close to his traumatic history his friends have with Kahler-Jax. Eleven goes almost blank facially and folds into himself emotional;y and physically. He isolates himself by stepping away and he completely loses the thread of the events around him. We see this when he says “Hmm? Yes. I don't know. Whatever Amy said.” It also melds with his wildly changing emotions as he flies into anger right after this. (TV: A Town Called Mercy). We also see dissociation in TV: The Girl Who Waited, The Time of Angels / Flesh and Stone & TV: The Snowmen)

We can see a physical manifestation in the way The Doctor physically acts as well. When he experiences dissociation and/or emotional shutdowns he curled into himself. (TV: The Day of The Moon, TV:The Girl Who Waited, TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: The Snowmen, & TV: Journey to The Center of The TARDIS ). 

We can see another physical manifestation of the disconnection he feels from himself and the dissociation he has with his table identity when he gets dressed without his own knowledge, Seen in this exchange

The Doctors: “No, you didn't, because I don't. Because this isn't the sort of thing I do any more. Next time you're in trouble, don't expect me to” 

(The Doctor is distracted by his reflection in a mirror.) 

Clara “What is it? What's wrong?” 

The Doctor: Sorry, it's just. Didn't know I'd put it on.  

(TV: The Snowmen)

Memory gaps are also seen in TV: Hide when he doesn’t even know what’s in the console room and TV: The Day of The Doctor as he has lost track of his own age and timeline [Not remembering the events with the moment doesn't count] Also seen in TV: The Lodger

His emotions and trauma can bring Eleven to the point of pretty dramatic outbursts. When the Daleks are seen for the first time by Eleven expresses an episode of range attacks the Dalek with a wrench (TV: Victory of The Daleks) Fear and Anger lead to a panic and rage episode including throwing things around and losing focus (TV: Flesh and Stone). We see these trauma, guilt and anger based breakdowns screaming and pushing others away, saying “Nobody talk to me. Nobody human has anything to say to me today!” (TV: The Beast Below). We see a physical breakdown again in TV: The God Complex and TV: The Angels Take Manhattan. 

A trauma-induced Panic Attack can be seen in TV: Asylum of the Daleks. He shows all the physical attributes and calls out for help a very uncharacteristic way of reacting showing a more heightened fear response. After this reminder of his trauma during the war, we see him struggle to return to the normal emotional level struggling to show compassion he normally has for human hurt by the Daleks reacting with rage at the Dalek shell that Oswin is trapped into. And panics again when she starts to move. 

In TV: Nightmare in Silver just seeing a Cyberman he goes into protect mode his easily triggered survival and protective manner. 

The Doctor is a show-off and is very dramatic to project the appearance he wants and hid a lot under it/ (TV: The Eleventh Hour, Minisode: Meanwhile in the TARDIS 2, TV: The Vampires of Venice, TV: The Big Bang, TV: The Doctor The Widow and The Wardrobe, TV: Day of The Moon, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: Let’s Kill Hitler, TV: A Christmas Carol, TV: The Wedding of River Song TV: The Asylum of The Daleks, TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV:The Snowmen, TV: The Bells of Saint John,TV: Journey to The Center of The TARDIS, & TV: The Day of The Doctor ). 

Often done to people he wants to like him like Amy, saying: “A forest in a bottle on a spaceship in a maze. Have I impressed you yet, Amy Pond?”(TV: Flesh and Stone) When Eleven finds himself in the oval office he goes on a rant, flaunt his intelligence and sits in the president's chair. Enjoying Putting on a show for his friends as well it works to refocus control and attention to him. (TV: The Impossible Astronaut)

In TV: A Good Man Goes To War we see a huge example of this. It is a combination of the way using confusion and manipulation is The Doctor's signature method of fighting enemies but it also is a way he enjoys getting positive and negative attention. 

Amy Pond is His favourite person and they both have a codependent relationship to a very high degree. Both being a defining part of the others life. Eleven while not really wanting a romantic relationship with Amy still experiences worry around Amy wanting to leave him some jealousy with Rory (TV: The Vampires of Venice) Is deeply protective over Amy even when he does bring in to dangerous situations (TV: The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, TV: Victory of The Daleks, TV: Vincent and The Doctor, & TV: The Pandorica Opens). Eleven struggles to attach healthy to others wanting this full 100% or 0% love (TV: The Eleventh Hour. TV: The God Complex, & TV: The Power of Three)

We this complete or zero attachment in action again in TV: The Snowmen with Clara. Going from a lockout of people in general to trying to make her come with him and feeling a deep connection in the matter of a day. Even when he doesn’t trust River Song yet he becomes jealous when she gives attention to others like saying “What? You two engaged or something?” when the father follows her around (TV: Flesh and Stone)

His extreme connection to his companions magnifies his own grief tenfold causing pretty deep reactions when losing his FP in the form of Amy. (TV: The Angels Take Manhattan & The Snowmen). His general problems with attachment magnify grief and loss in general, he struggles to form normal relationships and has deep abandonment issues that we see starting a few doctors back. This is further compounded by his long lifespan meaning he can see the way people are eventually going to lose them. In TV: The Power of Three he explains the way he knows loss is coming and tries to lose it, but when hitting this realization hard on he actually attempts to severe the bond before getting really hurt but that doesn’t work. He then pushes everyone again when the loss does it. (TV: The Snowmen). Clara points out that she is competing with a ghost in TV: The Rings of Akhaten, which while he rebuffs this she was actually right, one because he only picked her up based on a past loss but also because for a very long time the companions are competing with the ghost of past loss as it informs how protective and guilty The Doctor is with everyone. 

This struggle with grief can also be seen in TV: The Time of The Doctor when The Doctor as he sends Clara away to not deal with losing her even though that isn’t what she wants. 

Likes to be in control of everything to feel like he can manage a world that constantly throws pain and disorder. (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Vampires of Venice, TV: The Hungry Earth/Cold Earth, TV: The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Curse of the Black Spot, TV: The Crimson Horror, TV: Nightmare in Silver, TV: Cold War, & TV: The Name of The Doctor) 

Eleven takes control no matter who is around them, up to and including the president of the united states (TV: The Impossible Astronaut/Day of The Moon). There is also often the need to try and protect people, though this often bothers the people as it takes their choice from them. (TV: A Christmas Carol, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: The God Complex, TV: Asylum of The Daleks, & TV: Name of The Doctor). 

In Prose: Touched By an Angel Eleven comments that Rory is "disconcertingly full of surprises" when he alters the plans Eleven is trying to work through. In TV: The Snowmen we see another example of his control issues verbalized by Eleven when Clara attempts to lead him saying “No, I do the hand grabbing. That's my job. That's always me!”, a telling example of the way Clara not listening even more than normal throws him off balance. 

In TV: The Time of The Doctor The Doctor takes control of not just the battle but ends up essentially running the entire planet, based on a hero/god complex along with his warranted feeling of responsibility. In TV:Day of The Doctor we see this control and god complex in an extreme form as they feel a responsibility to save the entire universe, it’s also connected to guilt born from trauma The Doctor experienced throughout the time war even before the use of the moment, as the War Doctor feels the same responsibility/god complex. 

Eleven tries to control the entire situation of the adventures and the situations around those he loves. It’s not trying to really hurt them, and often works but he still wants to try and make everything work right. (TV: The God Complex, TV: Asylum of The Daleks, TV: The Crimson Horror)

 We see an example of this also TV: The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People in the way he doesn’t tell people what he’s doing so no one interferes with his plans, even willing to lie to people by omission and right out no telling Amy which doctor is made of Flesh and which is the Time Lord. Similar to this situation in TV: Journey to The Center of The TARDIS The Doctor manipulates the salvage crew withholding information, using intimidation and his superior understanding of the TARDIS to get what he wants so he can save Clara. The Doctor also lies to Clara here and scares her once he does lose that control, the lies and information he had been hiding for long can’t keep in under stress. 

Lacks any ability to trust almost anybody (TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, TV: The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People, & TV: Journey to The Center of The TARDIS). TV: The Impossible Astronaut gives us to rather good examples of this, the person he trusts number one is himself over anyone who has been with him over time. Also when talking to River he says “Trust you? Sure. But, first of all, Doctor Song, just one thing. Who are you? You're someone from my future. Getting that. But who? Okay. Why are you in prison? Who did you kill, hmm? Now, I love a bad girl, me, but trust you? Seriously.” a cruel statement of his trust issues, and acts as a way to push her away and keep at arm's length even when he does enjoy her company. 

The Doctor struggles to understand and communicate ideas and emotions. Forming new relationships are hard for him his ability for healthy attachments in non-existent. We see this with Rory a lot. Rory doesn’t quickly fall in line with The Doctors normal way of functioning. Eleven doesn't have a good ability to communicate their issues. This makes relationships pretty volatile with River, Amy and Clara even when they are what he loves most 

Experiences splitting mostly with River Goes back and forth being very flirty and then pushing River away (TV: Flesh and Stone, TV: A Good Man Goes to War, & TV: The Day of The Moon)

Eleven avoids talking about trauma trying to not remember or discuss it while it also clearly affects everything he does (TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: A Good Man Goes To War, TV: Day of The Doctor, TV: The Snowmen, TV: Hide TV: The Name of The Doctor, TV: The Day of The Doctor & The Time of The Doctor) Distraction used as a coping mechanism (TV: Amy’s Choice, TV: The hungry Earth) When he does talk about it he struggles to then stop (TV: The Rings of Akhaten, TV: The Day of The Doctor).

The Doctor isn’t in touch with his emotions (TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV: The Doctor The Widow and The Wardrobe, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: The Snowmen, & TV: The Bells of Saint John). In TV: A Good Man Goes To War he comments “Oh, look, I'm angry. That's new. I'm really not sure what's going to happen now.” However, The Doctor often shows anger to the point of outbursts of violence. This shows a profound disconnect from his own emotional state. 

Eleven like the previous incarnations is deeply lonely and feels like he is alone and disconnected (TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Doctor The Widow and The Wardrobe, TV: The Doctor's Wife, TV: Night Terrors TV: The Bells of Saint John) We see this in his trying to connect with the Krafayis “Well, no harm trying. Listen. Listen! I know you can understand me, even though I know you won't understand why you can understand me. I also know that no one's talked to you for a pretty long stretch, but please, listen. I also don't belong on this planet. I also am alone. If you trust me, I'm sure we can come to some kind of, you know, understanding. And then, and then, who knows?” (TV: Vincent and The Doctor) 

The most extreme example of this is of course seen in TV: The Snowmen where for what is implied to be years The Doctor isolates himself from almost everyone and stops trying to help others. 

The Doctor experiences hypervigilance and general hyperarousal symptoms about him always on edge and looking for danger. It also causes him trouble staying still and enjoying any calm (TV: Amy’s Choice, Minisode: Night and The Doctor, TV: The Hungry Earth / Cold Blood, TV: The Lodger, TV: The Impossible Astronaut, TV: Closing Time, TV: Asylum of The Daleks, TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship, TV: Closing Time TV: A Town Called Mercy, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Angels Take Manhattan, TV: The Bells of Saint John, TV: The Rings of Akhaten, & TV Nightmare in Silver)  

We see this in his conversation with Amy Saying; “Oh, lovely. You're a cheery one. Never mind dead, look at this place. Isn't it wrong?” Amy is confused by this “What's wrong?” Elven seems genuinely surprised that she doesn’t see what is happening the way he can “Come on, use your eyes. Notice everything. What's wrong with this picture?” (TV: The Beast Below) 

Even when in a calm environment like a museum The Doctor is on the lookout. When viewing Van Gogh art he stops to investigate danger having noticed it everywhere “Yes. And not a nice face at all. I know evil when I see it and I see it in that window.“ (TV: Vincent and The Doctor)

The Doctor deals with catastrophization (TV: The Beast Below, TV: Vincent and The Doctor, TV: The Curse of The Black Spot & Prequels: Prequel to The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe) The Doctor also struggles to view the world with an active hope more using it an idea to focus his thoughts, it takes extreme emotions to push through that, and not much to bring it all crashing down. (TV: The Doctor The Widow in the Wardrobe, Minisode: Meanwhile in The TARDIS, & TV: The Angels Take Manhattan)

Other people tend to understand and see his erratic behaviour. In TV: The Time of Angles. 

Father Octavian asked River “Doctor Song, I've lost good Clerics today. You trust this man? “ 

She replies “I absolutely trust him.” 

Octavian asks “ He's not some kind of madman, then?” 

All River does is repeat “ I absolutely trust him”. 

A comment on the very noticeable erratic behaviour and presentation of his feelings and dysregulation, his own friends who trust him can’t even pretend he isn’t like that. Clara makes a similar comment in TV: Nightmare in Silver.

Multiple times people who knows him warn against getting to the emotional breaking point. In TV: The Doctor's Wife  Amy says “Don't get emotional because that's when you make a mistake” In TV: Forest of The Dead River warns Ten against it when he generally has a slightly higher boiling point to Eleven to experience full emotional breakdowns. 

Rory finds The Doctor to be dangerous in his ability to be magnetic and the way his own recklessness plays of each other. (TV: The Vampires of Venice)

The Doctor’s interactions with Van Gogh is really interesting we see to a large instance I think he understands what he is going through but trying to use his own coping mechanisms on Van Gogh proves to not be very effective. He tries to make Van Gogh focus on the task at hand, ignore people calling him crazy don’t think about the pain. But of course, this doesn’t work for Van Gogh who has slightly different problems than The Doctor and can’t function on denial. 

We also see his difficulty with communication here talking about his or others feelings being a struggle. He does try and offer kindness with mentioning hope, and then lets Van Gogh he will be remembered kindly a truly kind act. Eleven is also distinctly less surprised than Amy that one kind day can not make someone not struggle with suicidal thoughts, something I think comes from both his knowledge of time travel but personal experience with mental illness. (TV: Vincent and The Doctor)

In TV: Hide we see Emma Grayling being able to read The Doctor because she is an empath, this ability makes her distrustful of The Doctor overall but also works with him because she can tell he does want to save people. Emma warns Clara about the fact the Doctor’s history has left him deeply damaged she says“Don't trust him. There's a sliver of ice in his heart.” 

Professor Alec Palmer also reads The Doctor in this same episode, he can tell the Doctor has seen traumatic events of war and death just like he as. They are similar people and they can see it in each other. 

Eleven has become so used to the chaos and violence that he cannot change and disconnect. Adventure and violence are the only way he knows how to function, also I sort of an addiction to chaos. (Minisode: Night and The Doctor, TV: The Lodger, TV: Amy’s Choice, TV: Dinosaurs On A Spaceship, TV: The Power of Three, & TV: A Town Called Mercy) 

We see The Doctor has a breakdown in being able to enjoy a normal life and things, even some of the less violent of the things in space like stars or general life (Minisode: Meanwhile in the TARDIS 2)

While The Doctor is addicted to violence he has a deep moral problem with the concept of war and hurting other creatures. The Doctor also tries to ensure that other people don’t have to live in the war as he did. It is hypocritical as The Doctor will cause harm for the greater good. However, opposition to war is as much a part of the identity as a moral concept. This hatred of war actually dates back to the early doctors and carried through till this point, now with the layers of trauma and having continuously broken the morals himself. (TV: The Beast Below, TV: The Hungry Earth / Cold Blood, TV: The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People, TV: Dinosaurs on A Spaceship, TV: A Town Called Mercy, & TV: Nightmare in Silver)

Other soldiers and actors of violence can always read this past in The Doctor (TV: Hide, TV: Nightmare in Silver, & TV: The Name of The Doctor). This is seen in TV: Cold War when the other soldiers can see that The Doctor understands the battle, River also comments on this in TV: Let’s kill Hitler as she was taught that he understood “all forms of war.'' He is confronted with the way he’s been acting as a violent force when he learns the Gamma forest uses the doctor as the war for a warrior (TV: A Good Man Goes to War). 

TV: The Day of The Doctor shows us this understanding of battles and violent politics, and how much this is splitting to his character as The War Doctor refuses to even call himself The Doctor. It shows how much he understands about war. This carries into TV: The Time of The Doctor where he can wage a hundred years of war and win. 

Insomnia: (TV: The Lodger, Minisode: Night and The Doctor, TV: The Bells of Saint John)

Disordered eating: (TV: The Eleventh Hour, TV: The Power of Three, TV: The Time of The Doctor)

Eleven is a character built on contradictions bu as highly magnetic as the other doctors. His arc is similar to 9s in being bittersweet, he dies with those he loves having saved people but is also sad because his last days were spent in war when that’s the last thing he wanted to do, they were also tainted by feelings of guilt for his part in what happened. He changes some over time in relation to loss but has less profound shifts than many other New Who doctors. 

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

Shout out to @3lianav for requesting/reminding me to get this section up

[high5nerd]

Alone Together---Chap. Twenty-one

Shit how the fuck did Pitch bang-diddly-bang in a goddamn air pocket. Logic, past self? Where it be?

When in doubt, sand tentacles.

....NOT HERE IN THIS CHAPTER. SORRY.

Thinking gets me places I don't prefer to trespass. Thinking is when you let your brain wander at it's own leisure, sometimes against your will or you allow it to happen. Thinking could be simple and by your command, like plotting how to destroy the Guardians like I once did, or thinking of something basic like how to get the girls home without shadow traveling into the wrong area. Other times, thinking could be worrying...and those worries turning into literal thoughts that made you question what you've been doing wrong and what you should do instead.

It's hard to explain this thoroughly, so I shall try my best. The following days after our little break at the quarry, my mind clicked back into the darkness that it once was buried in. Not permanently, no, of course not. Just visiting, so to speak. I wondered...because I've been away from my home, my real home, for so long. Were the nightmares doing their duty without my command? They were trained to do so when I wasn't around, but after that incident where they turned on me, such trainings could've been forgotten. I missed the darkness, the feeling of shadow-traveling and being away from total light. I've gotten so used to bright lights, I felt the yearning for darkness become stronger.

But how were Sadie and Alice supposed to understand that? They understood my duties as the Boogeyman, but I don't think they really grasped the concept that I put fear in children. Not just children, everyone. I made people realize their fear and cower at the thought. I am naturally a man of the dark. Alice nor Sadie has ever seen me in action, where I sneak into a child's room as they sleep soundly, taint their dreamsand with my own creation of their fear, and see them wake up spooked and shaking. It was amusing for me, pleasing. But for them? Alice would hate it. She's too good natured, she'd feel guilty that she couldn't stop it.

Not that there's anything wrong with her being good natured, but that blinded her at times when I needed her to see who I really was.

But nonetheless, the withdrawal of darkness and the lair I once revelled in started to physically make me fidgit. I couldn't sit still. Sadie noticed how I would avoid the brightest lights in the house and immediately turn them off when they were done using them. Alice even walked into a dark living room only to see a pair of eyes watching her, and to my own fault it scared her half to death. Though it makes me laugh to this day, she doesn't find it amusing one bit. She still thinks I was playing a trick on her despite numerous apologies.

Regardless of that scare, I didn't notice how Alice had growing curiosity. I must've let the fact that I wanted to go back to the lair slip through my mouth, because she came in one Friday night with determination on her face.

"Could you take me with you?"

I turned to her, confused at her question. "To where?"

"Your...um, the dark lair. Whatever you call it." she timidly looked away, crushing her fingers in her left hand.

That surprised me. Alice normally wasn't a very surprising person-no offense-but that question threw me off guard. I had mixed feelings about this. I felt both honored and concerned. Honored because she wanted to see my world like she has generously shown me hers, but concerned on how she would take it. Alice wasn't a very….dark person. You know, she's not a person that would become instantly at ease to the dark. When I was just starting to get to know her, she used to jump at every move I made in the shadows and always cautiously looked over her shoulder as if my nightmares would pop out and scare her at any second. But now that she's grown more accustomed to it by having me around...maybe she earned the right to see the lair.

I touched her cheek gently, looking into her eyes seriously, "Are you sure? It's not...a location you would find comfort in."

She shyly smiled in reply, "I'm comfortable with you around."

"What if the nightmares attack you?" I asked without thinking, and that made her eyes widen in fear.

"Will they?"

My hand glided down from her cheek to the back of her neck, pressing her forehead to mine, "Only if you're afraid."

"Then I won't be if you're there." she whispered, her hand touching my free one.

She sounded serious enough for me to allow her to trespass into the lair. Still, a feeling that we shouldn't leave crept into my mind, some sort of warning that what I was about to do was something regrettable. Maybe it was just my worries, one could never know. But keeping that thought in mind, I bidded her to close her eyes tightly and relax. She did just so, appearing as if she slept standing up. The shadows swallowed us quickly, and we were whipped through the shadows of the world towards the lair. Images flipped behind her and her hair flung back from her neck from the impact once we landed in the center of the lair.

She kept her eyes closed until she felt my hand slip away from hers, and immediately I saw the look of awe cross her chocolate brown orbs. I stepped a bit back from her a few paces, letting her get the full view of the place. As her eyes trailed over the many black cages that hung from the ceiling, I allowed myself to really soak in the darkness this place held. I felt like I was being wrapped in a blanket, cozy and snug. Safe...but not at home like I thought I would feel. My mind slipped back to Alice's home...why couldn't I just make up my mind? One minute I'm missing my beloved lair and now I yearn to go back to Alice's home. I was conflicted, found in a tough spot once more.

Still, I did in fact miss the comforting shade and the minimal dashes of light. The soft creaking of the cages above reminded me of the ticking of a grandfather clock, steady and in rhythm. Everything was clean and tidy, well, besides the few crumbling pillars here and there. Let's just call that decoration. Everything was at a cool temperature away from the blazing sun, it felt so nice resting one's back against the smooth surface of a stone wall to feel a chill lovingly run up one's spine, and not in the fearful way.

"It's like the ancient ruins of Italian churches…" her soft voice echoed throughout the lair as she walked around, staying within the area where she could see better but nonetheless getting a good look of the place.

I smirked at that as I freely shadow-traveled around, letting my voice bounce off the walls in response, "We're located under Venice, that's why. Fascinating, isn't it?"

"Yeah...what are the cages for?" she pointed to the lowest hanging one with the cage door still swinging open.

"Well, they originally housed things I used to capture in order to get the Guardians back, but...the last time I used them was holding the tooth fairy's helpers hostage."

Alice's wondrous smile fell at that, looking in the direction where my voice came. My eyes locked with hers, and I could see the disappointment in her dark orbs. "That's horrible."

"I never said it was a smart move, Alice. I was desperate...enough said." I made it clear it wasn't to be discussed again.

She made a low noise of discomfort as she glanced back at the cages, and then her eyes caught onto something else that drew out her breath. The look of wonder returned to her eyes as she quickly walked over to the bronze globe of the world, tiny lights flickering all over the many countries. She touched the surface, grimy and rough to the touch. Still, despite it being covered in a light layer of dust, it still shone in the minimal sunlight.

"What's this?" she asked, not jumping at my sudden appearance by her side.

I softly smiled as I watched her brush away the dust over the European continent, trying to get it to sparkle more along with the miniscule lights that clustered in certain areas. She looked up at me, a curious grin on her face.

"The lights represent a child that believes in the Guardians. Back when I was trying to destroy them, I wanted all of them gone."

"Then if they only represent the Guardian's believers, why don't you have one for yourself?"

Good question. An inquisitive one, she is. That was one of my favorite things about her, one of many to say the least.

Unable to directly look her in the eye, I responded lowly, "Because I knew I would have less than theirs...far less...close to none."

Her hand found mine, fingers lacing with my own in encouragement and comfort. She knew how to lift me up from thinking sourly like that, I give her full credit. "To be honest...I probably would, too. I don't blame you."

I softly chuckled at that, grinning at her. She cocked an eyebrow, "What?"

"I was just thinking...what it would be like if you lived here with me...you know, as my queen."

Alice laughed at that, releasing my hand, "Ooh, like a Queen of Darkness? That has a nice ring to it."

I smiled and gently held her shoulders, "Think about it, though. Just you and me, all I could ever want. I'd give you everything you've ever asked for, and the world could be your oyster. The nighttime would be our time, and your loyal subjects would take the form of fearlings and nightmares to do your bidding."

Alice lightly laughed at that, bowing her head a bit. I took her hand and twirled her around, allowing the nightmare sand to curl around her and form a dress of darkness, glittering in the dim light in tones of black and purple. Her eyes widened at the sudden magic, and touched it gently.

"You'd be my queen, the warrior of the night, leading my army into battle against the light-" I started to sing, wrapping her into an embrace as she laughed.

"And we'd dance among the stars, never letting go of each other, just us...just us lovers," she chimed in, much softer than my own voice.

She laughed as we danced around, and after a while I started to feel the eyes of the nightmares watching us. Surprisingly, Alice was very calm and collected around them. When they started to draw out closer to us, smelling their master along with the unknown smell of a stranger in their home, they didn't dare bite her or threaten her with a snarl. They instinctively knew she was mine, or as they would put it, my mate. Alice held her hand out towards one of them, and the nightmare actually licked her hand before nudging it's nose to her palm, a sign of approval of her presence in the lair. Most humans would be frozen with fear at the sight of them, but Alice shockingly took it quite well.

She was right, because as I treated her for dinner there in the lair with the cuisine of Italy I knew so well, she told me that since I was there, she had nothing to be afraid of.

She had that amount of total faith in me? Wow…

I guess...I guess right at that moment something told me that...I wanted to marry her.

Knowing Sadie would be alright at home for the night, Alice and I slept there in the lair. It felt nice returning to the master bedroom I had, the sheets still nice and cool and open for my return. Alice slept soundly once it hit midnight, as did I, but by two in the morning I started having trouble sleeping. That never happened before, at least, not in this way. A bad feeling kept telling me to wake up, that something wasn't right. Thinking someone was in the room besides us, I instantly woke up and surveyed the area. Nothing.

But I couldn't go back to sleep, I just laid there with my eyes open, staring at the rock ceiling. I couldn't shake this feeling of...intuition, for a lack of a better term. Something was just out of place...and I couldn't go to sleep without knowing everything was okay and it was just me worrying myself to death.

I looked over at Alice, her back turned to show off the love marks I gave her hours ago, sprinkled down the back of her neck and all over her back, like stars that make a constellation. She's here...so why would I be so concerned over something that probably doesn't exist? Sadie's safe at home, Alice is fast asleep...why would I be so conflicted right now?

My fingers touched her marks, gently as to not wake her. My mind travelled from wondering what I was awake for, to the thought of marrying her I had during dinner. It's been five years...wouldn't that be long enough? I guess some part of me wanted that to happen sooner than just four years. She mentioned her parents waited a year before getting married, yet I had to drag it out for five. If she was around in the past, with the Kozmotis Pitchiner I used to be, my parents would've been so furious at me for waiting this long. Probably after a couple of months they'd demand we get married.

She'd be beautiful on our wedding day, if we ever got married. It didn't matter if she wore the traditional wedding robes of the Golden Age or what is customary here. In the Golden Age, the bride would be decked out in color, jewels, and flowers. White was only worn during the births and christenings of infants and black at funerals. The future husband would wear his armor, along with the robes passed down from his generations before him…

If I married her, I would always wake up to see her lying there next to me, asleep and happy. If I married her, she'd carry our children, show me how to be a proper father that I've almost forgotten how to be over the centuries...she'd be the world's most wonderful mother and wife…

I licked the back of her shoulder, running my tongue from her love bruise up to the tip of her shoulder. Knowing that she was real...that she was right there and not just a fantasy in my mind...it calmed me down a bit.

She moaned in her sleep, making me grin. She turned over, slightly awake at the disruption.

"What was that for?" she groaned, curling her naked body close to mine.

"Dunno." I chuckled, kissing her forehead.

Her eyes were watching me, looking for something as she stared back. She was wide awake now, and leaned up when she asked, "Are you okay? You look troubled."

"I am."

"You want to talk about it?" Alice rested her head on my chest, her leg wrapping around my hip.

"...No, I think I'll be okay," I murmured, touching her hair, "something just...doesn't seem right."

"I'm getting that feeling, too." she whispered back, before falling asleep once more.

Intuition is a feeling one gets where we think something bad is going to happen, and then it does….

We should've listened to that.

[5hfanfiction]

Come Back, Be Here - Chapter 45

Closure is not really something someone necessarily wants to get, but it’s something they have to get in order to take one step forward and walk away from the past. Closure, along with answers, is something Camila has never really gotten when it comes to a lot of aspects of her life. She never really asked her parents why they kicked her out for being attracted to girls, she just left. She never really was able to say goodbye to her friends and colleagues in Venice, she just got on the plane and never looked back.

As she stands in the mirror, her slender fingers tracing over the ragged scars on her body, she decides then and there that she needs to get answers and some closure from one particular person who used to be in her life. The person who created most of the scars on her fragile body. 

She is supposed to be at the bar rehearsing for her set tomorrow. That’s what she told Lauren she would be doing when the green-eyed girl asked before she left for her own work. Truth is, she couldn’t tell Lauren what her real plans for the day are. She knows her wife would never let her do it. Camila didn’t want to lie to Lauren, but her wife isn’t the one that has to live with the memories… or the scars. 

Camila has had this planned for a week now. This exact date. She had to call up to the jail and see if she could be put on a visitation list. Turns out she didn’t even have to be put on one because he had already put her on it. She wasn’t surprised in the slightest. They dated for awhile and she knows that he knows what kind of person she is. She knows he knows that she has always been the type of person to demand answers, to demand reasons.

After throwing on a pair of blue jeans and a band tee, she grabs her car keys and drives to the local jail. When she walks in, she makes her way to the front desk and signs in. The woman at the front desk looks at her sympathetically and Camila guesses that most of the people who work at the jail know about what the inmates are in for. The brown eyed girl can see it in the blue eyes before her that the lady knows who she is and who she is here to see. The woman pities her, but her eyes are also asking the question that she has been asking herself for a week.

What the hell are you doing here?

She continues to ask herself that question as she is led down a dimly lit hallway and into a room on her right. When she enters, she sees a row of chairs that are sitting in front of glass windows. There are different cubicles and each one has a phone in it. She has seen places like this before on television and she knows that any minute, she will come face to face with Austin again.

All the cubicles are empty, it’s just her and the security guard. He gestures to the first cubicle and Camila wearily sits down in the chair and faces the glass in front of her. 

“I am going to signal for them to bring him in. If you need anything, I will be right outside the door.” The officer informs her and she just nods, signaling that she understands.

When the door to the room closes, she immediately wipes her sweaty palms on her blue jeans and tries to calm her breathing. Seconds later, a door behind the glass in front of her opens and she sees an orange jumpsuit come into view. She trails her eyes from the ground and up the orange jumpsuit until her eyes connect with Austin’s. 

It doesn’t surprise Camila in the slightest that he is sporting a haughty smirk while being escorted into the room. She feels her breathing start to become uneven as he sits down in front of her. She watches skeptically as the boy reaches over and takes the phone and places it to his ear. When he motions for her to pick up hers, she slowly reaches out and grabs it and places the cold phone to her ear.

“I knew you’d come, baby.” His voice sends chills up her spine. “Couldn’t stay away, huh?”

“I have questions. That’s why I’m here.” She whispers into the receiver.

“To be honest, I was disappointed to hear that you weren’t here for a conjugal visit. I miss fucking you.” He replies as he licks his lips, his eyes drifting down to stare at her breasts. 

“Why did you do it? What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much that you would beat me everyday?” Camila questions.

“It was just too easy. You were just too easy.” The boy chuckles. “I knew it when I first saw you. I knew the moment I first laid eyes on you that I could manipulate you.”

Camila clenches her fists under the table until her knuckles turn white.

“Then we dated and I figured out you were broken. You weren’t what I wanted after all.” He leans closer to the table and places his elbows on it. “But you were a good fuck and you never complained when I wanted to get a bit rough with you so I decided to keep you around.”

That was it for Camila. She stands up from her chair so fast that she sends it toppling over behind her. “I am a fucking human being Austin! I wasn’t someone you could just hit because you felt like it! I had feelings and I felt pain just like any other person!" 

"Then why did you stay, huh? You know you liked it Camila.” He replies calmly, the smirk still evident on his features.

“Because I couldn’t remember what real love felt like! We were good in the beginning. For the first couple of months it was normal. We were normal. We went to the movies and out to eat.” Camila runs her fingers through her hair in frustration. “But it was like after I told you I loved you, you changed. Why?”

“Because I knew I had you then. I knew you’d stay no matter what I did to you.” He answers without hesitation.

“I thought it was love, but I was wrong. Turns out I couldn’t remember what real love felt like. I couldn’t remember that real love was caring and beautiful and it didn’t hurt. I couldn’t remember that there was a woman out there that loved me with every fiber of her being and would never ever lay a finger on me.” The brunette feels her chest rising and falling rapidly, tears springing to her eyes.

“She doesn’t love you Camila! You are completely unlovable and so broken that no one can love you!” The boy stands up and starts banging on the glass in front of him. “She will eventually do to you what I did. Fuck you and beat you like I did. It’s just a matter of time!”

“Fuck you, Austin! Lauren is nothing like you!” The brunette spits on the glass between the two of them. “You are a worthless piece of shit and I hope that someone in here finds out what you did and makes you their bitch.”

Seconds later the door behind Austin opens and the security guard walks swiftly over to him and grabs him. He is roughly pulled out of the room and once he exits, she does the same. When she walks out, she ignores the worried glances that the officers and the lady at the front desk give her. She just walks straight to her car and gets in. She keeps driving and driving until she comes up on the familiar apartment. She walks up to the door and notices that there is still police tape across it. After ripping it off the door, she walks in. It is then that she sees that all of Austin’s belongings are still there.

Camila makes her way down the hallway and comes to a stop in front of the broken bathroom door. She pushes it open and lets out a sigh of relief when she sees that the floor has been cleaned of her blood. She slowly walks in and stands in front of the mirror. 

“Why did I let you do that to me?” She whispers quietly to herself as she places both of her palms on the tile counter. “How could I let anyone do that to me? Why couldn’t I see it? That it was all wrong. That every aspect of that relationship was toxic and wrong.” The brunette slams her fists down on the counter before angrily storming out of the room and into the boy’s bedroom. 

Anything that is in her sights, she grabs and chunks against the wall. Bottles of cologne crash against the wall as well as picture frames. She opens up the apartment window and throws every article of his clothing out of it. She sees a baseball bat in the corner of his room and she grabs it before making her way to the living room area. 

“I should’ve stopped him!” She yells as she collides the bat with the television screen. “I should’ve told someone! Anyone!” The bat collides with the picture frames on the walls and sends them all flying to the ground. Once she’s finished vandalizing the apartment with the bat, she grabs a knife from the kitchen and digs it into the sofa and recliner. She carves “pig” into both of them before chunking the knife across the room. She picks up the bat once again and heads into the bathroom where he beat her senseless. Once again, she looks at her reflection in the mirror. There are black streaks down her cheeks from her eye makeup. 

“I am not worthless.” She whispers as she brings the bat up. “I am not unlovable.” She says as she smashes the bat into the mirror. She closes her eyes tightly when glass explodes all around her. “I am not easy.” She takes another swing at the mirror. And then another. And then five more after that. When there is no piece of glass left in front of her, she drops the bat and places her palms on the counter to try and steady her breathing and stop her tears.

“You’re fucking perfect. That’s what you are.” When Camila hears a voice other than her own, she looks up from the counter and her eyes meet worried green ones. “You are beautiful, kind, talented, smart, sexy, and worthy of love.” Lauren steps forward slowly. “You are the most amazing person I have ever known.” The green eyed girl stops walking when she is standing in front of the girl. “You are the love of my life and the keeper of my heart. You are my wife and I love you more than anything in this world.” Lauren reaches up and wipes away the tears that are falling freely down Camila’s tanned cheeks. 

“Lo.” Camila whimpers and not seconds later Lauren scoops Camila up into her arms and walks them to the couch. She sits down on it, or what’s left of it, and sets Camila down on her lap. “I’m so sorry I went I needed closure and I know I shouldn’t have lied to you, but I knew you wouldn’t let me go if you knew.”

“Shh.” Lauren cooes when she notices Camila’s breathing starting to get even more unsteady. “I’m not mad, baby, I just wish you would’ve let me come with you.” The green-eyed girl rocks her wife back and forth in her arms in an attempt to try and calm her down.

“He said I was broken. That he only stayed with me because I was a good fuck. He said I was unlovable.” The younger girl hiccups as she relays to Lauren what Austin told her. Lauren feels her blood boil and it takes everything in her not to drive to the jail and kill the boy with her bare hands. 

“You aren’t broken and you are definitely not unlovable. I love you with every fiber of my being and I always will.” Lauren pulls Camila closer to her and places a lingering kiss to the back of her neck.

“I love you.” Camila whispers. 

“I love you, princess.” Lauren says before standing up with Camila still in her arms. She carries the girl to her car and places her in the front seat. She slides in the driver’s seat and sends a quick text to Dinah asking her to please come and get Camila’s car. Lauren reaches over and places her hand on her wife’s leg and it stays there as she drives them back to their apartment. Once they arrive, Lauren looks over and sees that Camila is sound asleep, her head resting on the window. 

Not having the heart to wake her up, the older Latina carries her wife up to their apartment and lays her on the bed. She quickly grabs the first aid kit and sits on the bed next to Camila. She noticed in Austin’s apartment that her hands were cut up from the glass. Once she digs out a few pieces of glass from each of her wife’s palms, she cleans the cuts and bandages both hands up. She places a kiss to both the bandages before gently laying her hands back on the bed. 

Lauren exits the room quietly and quickly pulls out her phone. She dials the number to the jail and calmly tells the lady at the front desk to never, under any circumstance, let Camila Cabello visit Austin Mahone again. The lady immediately apologizes for letting it happen in the first place and informs the worried wife that Camila will never be allowed to visit him again. Once Lauren gets that confirmation, she makes her way back into their bedroom. She grabs Camila’s phone and unlocks it. Once she makes sure that Camila’s location is shared with her indefinitely, she locks her phone back and sets it back on the nightstand. 

When Lauren got home this afternoon to find the apartment empty, she didn’t worry. However, when she went to the bar and found it empty as well, she worried. She immediately dialed Dinah and asked the Polynesian to check her phone and tell her Camila’s exact location. As she sped over to Austin’s apartment, she swore to herself that the next time she saw her wife that she would take her phone and immediately make sure that she would be able to access Camila’s location 24/7.

Once she strips her work clothes off, she climbs in bed next to her wife and drapes an arm over her waist so she can pull her closer. 

“You are the most important person in my life. You have been ever since the day I walked into that classroom in Venice and saw you reading my favorite book.” Lauren pauses long enough to lean in and place a kiss to the back of Camila’s head. “I knew I had to make you mine and I’m so thankful that you gave me a chance to. Because you, Camila Cabello, are the best thing that’s ever been mine.”

[kariekermath]

In my first post after our big Italian adventure, I promised to write about triggering while traveling. For those of you who have been waiting with bated breath for that post to drop, today’s your lucky day! Let’s dig in.

First, I want you to understand what a trigger is. To do that, I’m going to quote a book – my book, in fact, the one I co-authored with Dr. Lisa Campbell – if you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know what I’m talking about, click here for details.

Have you ever taken a bite of candy or smelled something familiar on a warm summer’s breeze that suddenly reminded you of a person, place or event from your childhood? Maybe it brought to mind your favorite teacher, a place you visited every August, or a game you used to play with the other kids on your block. Whatever it is that caused that surge of pleasant emotion and memory is called a “trigger.” Triggers can be things like sights, sounds, smells, and even thoughts, such as remembering anniversary dates. We respond to them with the same emotions that we felt for the original person, place, thing, or event.

Of course, triggers can also remind us of negative things, like traumatic events or someone who hurt us. These types of triggers can cause your PTSD symptoms to flare up in a flood of painful emotions and uncomfortable physiological experiences. To recover from PTSD, it’s essential to figure out what triggers you. Unfortunately, uncovering your triggers isn’t quite as easy as it sounds. Some of your PTSD triggers might be obvious, but others may be downright sneaky. (49)

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Much of the time, I trigger because of a memory. This might sound backwards. Instead of a physical thing triggering me, causing me to remember what happened, I think about what happened which can then trigger physiological symptoms. For example, if I recall the moment my child first told me about the crime or about my time on the stand during the trial, those memories then trigger an elevated heart rate, tightening in my chest, a pit in my stomach, or feeling shaky. This triggering can – but this is no longer inevitable – snowball into intrusive memories, a trigger-happy startle reflex, and hyper vigilance. The good news is that as I’ve become more adept at recognizing my triggers, I’ve also learned effective ways to shut them down before they escalate into full blown attacks that quickly gain the upper hand over my emotions, thoughts, and actions.

The first triggers on my Italian voyage brought on disruptions in sleep, which are the symptoms I struggle with the most and probably always will. I was prepared for them and was able to deal while vacationing, although they truly surged once we were safely back in our own beds. This, I was not expecting. If you want more details, check out my post To sleep or not to sleep?

The second triggering experience came as a total surprise and required me to expend a substantial amount of energy to avoid a massive explosion of symptoms. Normally, I love the type of event I was hoping to attend that night in Rome. I can only imagine it was a problem on our trip because I was already triggered by the increase in my sleep-related symptoms and – more importantly – because it also triggered my son.

In order to explain, I need to give you a little background info. Rome hosts a huge party on New Year’s Eve complete with midnight fireworks over the Colosseum. How fun is that? So, I structured our trip to spend Christmas in Venice and New Year’s in Rome.

That morning, we toured the Colosseum and walked all over the city, eating our first plates of carbonara – wistful sigh. As the afternoon progressed, road blocks were erected and we noticed a substantial uptick in the number of police officers on the streets. This is when I first started feeling a wee bit nervous about our evening plans. We were staying across the river in Trastevere and, despite the progress I’ve made in shedding my most disruptive safety habits, I was feeling like I needed an escape plan in case everything went bad while we were celebrating in the street with a million other people.

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Metro stops were being shuttered and busses rerouted. We took a taxi back to our apartment for a few hours of rest. The ride took forever because so many roads were closed. My unease-ometer clicked up another notch.

The evening began and we set out to find dinner in our neighborhood. As we walked away from our street, some teenagers set off firecrackers nearby. My startle response activated. I was determined that it wasn’t going to stop me. I love fireworks – and we were in Rome to see them over the Colosseum. We kept going.

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Everywhere was packed. Restaurants were sold out for the night – my bad, I definitely should have been prepared for that. So we kept walking, looking for a quick place to grab a bite to eat. Every time we turned a corner, there were more bangs and booms from new groups of kids. And they were loud, echoing off the buildings lining the narrow, cobblestone streets. I was no longer the only one struggling, Mr. C was right there with me, exhibiting visible signs of anxiety. The triggering was now a very big problem.

I managed to talk us both down long enough to find a take away pizza place and get us back to our room – about 20-30 minutes. While this may not sound like a big accomplishment, I can assure you that it was. Each time a firecracker exploded in our vicinity, my brain responded by urging me to run and hide. I know this sounds ridiculous. We were safe. We were not in any actual danger. I recognized that, even at the time. But here’s why that doesn’t matter – and why PTSD is so invasive and controlling – our brains told us that we were in danger. And when your brain initiates a full-blown fear response, it is impossible to ignore it.

It is excruciating to resist as your brain commands you to act.

The fact that we were able to keep going despite a nearly overwhelming urge to flee represented true progress. But by the time we were tucked in safely on the sofa of our apartment, pizza in hand, we were too exhausted to even contemplate going out again that night. Instead, we relaxed in our room and ventured onto the balcony at midnight, watching smaller firework displays over our neighbors’ rooftops. It wasn’t the evening I’d dreamed about for months, but that was ok. I had pushed back at my symptoms when they were most urgent. And I managed to keep my son calm at the same time. This was huge.

Next time I take a trip like this, I’ll be more prepared. Every time something unexpected triggers my symptoms, I file it away for later. As I continue to add to this list, there will be fewer possible options to take me by surprise. And the more times I practice healthy coping strategies – like talking us through a stressful New Year’s Eve walk through Trastevere – the easier they will become to implement when I need them most.

On a side note, the stress from New Year’s Eve didn’t stop us. The next morning, we got up and got right back out there. That afternoon, we took the metro four miles out of town and wandered the paths of Aqueduct Park – a true historical treasure and one of our trip highlights – alongside Roman families and a handful of tourists.

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All of today’s photos come from our days in Rome, a place we both want to return to… tomorrow if possible.

Thanks for reading!

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Work cited:

Campbell, Lisa, and Karie A. Kermath. Behavioral Activation for PTSD: A Workbook for Men. Althea Press, 2018.

Behavioral Activation for PTSD

Triggers 101: boom, bang, pizza In my first post after our big Italian adventure, I promised to write about triggering while traveling.

[mintmochilove-blog]

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? All the time.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? 3.

3. The person you would never want to meet? My parents’ exes.

4. What is your favorite word? Nonchalant.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? Wisteria?

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? Do I always look this rough? (yes)

7. What shirt are you wearing? Army green Abercrombie tee.

8. What do you label yourself as? ... A human? What is this question?

9. Bright room or dark room? Bright, but only if it’s naturally lit.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Reading on AO3.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? 14 was pretty good. I liked being younger than my celebrity/fantasy crushes.

12. Who told you they loved you last? My brother.

13. Your worst enemy? Myself.

14. What is your current desktop picture? Default Windows picture of sunrise over a rocky beach.

15. Do you like someone? Yes.

16. The last song you listened to? Lost Boy by Ruth B.

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? There’s nobody I particularly feel like blowing up at the moment.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Plenty of people.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? That’s a rather awkward scenario.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) Only God knows.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? Gonna guess I’d look like myself. And um... not gonna answer the second one. *wink*

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? No secret talent, but people tend to underestimate how much time I spend on the most random things.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Nothing off the top of my head.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. I’d settle for grilled cheese.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? I’d save it in my piggy bank.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Venice.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? Vermouth!

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Nothing really beats the Golden Rule.

29. What is your favorite expletive? I don’t swear.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? My diary.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Not gonna answer.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Is the question a matter of when or where? Korea has some hot guys, but that Japanese yukata is mmm.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Nobody.

34. What was your last dream about? No idea.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? What even is this question.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? No.

37. Have you ever built a snowman? Yes.

38. What is the color of your socks? White.

39. What type of music do you like? Soul or ballad.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? Sunrise.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate?

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) None.

43. Do you have any scars? Yes.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? Anything that pays enough for me to travel the world.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My appearance.

46. Are you reliable? Not really.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? What do you regret?

48. Do you hold grudges? God yes.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? Probably something out of the One Piece universe.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? Not gonna say.

51. Are you a good liar? I really can’t pretend to like someone/something, but otherwise sure.

52. How long could you go without talking? When I have nobody to talk to, I just start talking to myself. So, not that long.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? Best: Shoulder-length hair from fall 2017. Worst: Bangs.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? I made peanut butter cupcakes once. It was a disaster.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? Every American will claim they can do a British accent.

56. What do you like on your toast? Nutella.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? Kaitou Kid, Hakuba, and Gansey. Separately, in that order.

58. What would be you dream car? Tesla.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. I sing. The shower masks my inability to sing.

60. Do you believe in aliens? Yes.

61. Do you often read your horoscope? No.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? A.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons.

64. What do you think about babies? They’re cute, but dogs are cuter.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. I wonder how I’ll react to my answers when I look back on them in a few years.

[judithsears]

2017 - Great year.

I went to Cuba in April. I swam in turquoise waters for the first time and cried like a baby. Snorkeled in the ocean, danced and ate with the locals, squished giant cockroaches and lived in paradise for 8 glorious days.

I went to Italy in July with my mom. Visited Mestre, Venice, La Spezia, Portovenere, Cinque Terre, Florence and Rome. I ate pizza, pasta and drank prosecco. Swam in the Mediterranean sea with the fish, saw the sun set at the top of piazza di michelangelo, hiked the eastern coast between the towns or Corniglia and Vernazza. It was incredible. I spent one day alone, a complete stranger in a village. Anonymous, and alone, eating gelato at the top of a mountain, sweating in 42 degree heat, looking down onto a marina on the ocean.

I completed my second season of rowing.

I learned how to throw ceramics on the wheel and made several mugs and bowls.

Continued working on my body and my self.

Watched Third Eye Blind play Semi Charmed Kind of Life, live, outdoors, at sunset overlooking the water in upper New York.

My nephew was born in January. He is perfect. And I love him.

I tried desperately to expand my friend-base. It has proved very difficult between the weddings, babies, schedules, careers, money, etc...But I made some genuine connections with some really great people and feel pretty fortunate for it.

HIGH FIVE 2017.

What do I want to do in 2018? I was doing aquafit the other day, floating in the pool with one of the aforementioned friends, and we talked about what goals we have for the new year...

-TRAVEL AGAIN.

-Build and nurture friendships and put myself out there. Stop standing in my own way and hang out with people.

-ROW.

-See my ladies club - S.W.I.S. - come to fruition.

-FITNESS.

-Work on my hobbies in the evenings after work rather than just sit on my ass and be lazy. I’d like to do things that feel good, make me happy and allow a feeling of accomplishment at the end. (ie. sewing, painting, etc...)

-Make my GRL PWR show a reality.

-GET THEM ABS.

2016 A YEAR IN REVIEW

I’m welcoming in 2017 with open arms. I’ve turned 30 and am trying to figure out how to be happy and to better my life. Here are my goals for 2017:

*Travel. I want to go to Italy and go hiking in BC. (I DID IT. I FINALLY WENT TO ITALY.)

*Create less waste. Less packaging. Find a way to compost.

*Eat slower (like my dad) and enjoy my food (and wine) more. (FAIL)

*Take more pictures. (MEGA FAIL)

*Sew wearable clothes. (NO)

*Take a pottery course/workshop. (YES! SUCCESS!)

*Continue rowing. (YES. V GOOD.)

*Continue at my job and maybe grow into a new, higher position or role to gain experience. (KIND OF IMPOSSIBLE RIGHT NOW)

*Continue my quest for good health - physical and mental. Which means eating well, eating whole foods, less sugar, salt and fat and exercising regularly. (YES)

*Continue growing food on my balcony and using it in my cooking. (50/50)

*Travel. (CUBA)

*Travel. (ITALY)

*Travel. (SYRACUSE)

Lets see how I did at my 2016 list….

- Sew something new. Clothing. T-shirts. Dresses. Anything. (No. BUT I did pick up a pattern. I guess that doesn’t count though.)

- Be kind for pete’s sake! Drop the attitude. (No. Attitude is as fiery as ever.)

- Be more accepting of others and everyone’s little imperfections! ( I tried.)

- Complain less. Appreciate more. (Yes, I tried.)

- Work out more. It wasn’t until I hurt my knee that I realized there are other things you can do with your body that are (almost) as challenging and as rewarding as running. (I’ve completed Kayla Itsines full 24 week guide this year.)

- Get them abs. I want to see and earn my muscle tone and definition. (Photos to come soon.)

- Travel somewhere new. (I think the only place I really went this year was Syracuse, NY)

- Grow something new and edible. Grow more edible things! (My whole balcony was food this summer! Kale, kale and more kale. Tomatoes. Basil. Etc.)

- Drink more water. (Nay.)

- Cook new things and try new foods!!! I love food. (Yes. Success.)

- Love more. (Yes.)

- Beat this awful and miserable fear of flying. (Nay. I think it may have gotten worse actually. haha.)

2016. It’s coming to an end. Everyone is going on and on about how much it sucked. I thought it was alright.

I think the really defining piece of my year was moving into a new job. That all my hard work and time and emotional exhaustion paid off in one way or another and I am now supervising the program I started off in. I may not be teaching, but I’m happy.

I began rowing. I was on a team this summer with 7 other rowers and we learned and raced and drank together. It was amazing. Terrifying but amazing. Along with that, I started doing yoga at the boat house, overlooking the Ottawa river. Pretty amazing.

Went to Syracuse, NY for an amazing, incredible, spontaneous weekend to see Rob Thomas and Counting Crows at a beautiful, magical outdoor amphitheatre.

I turned 30. And my best friend and boyfriend orchestrated the more surprising surprise party, and it was so fun and memorable.

I donated my hair for the SECOND TIME! I love doing this. But somehow after turning 30, my hair is incredibly thin now and worrying me so it may not happen again! Hah.

I had an amazing time at the cottage this summer with my best friend. I visited the cottage I grew up at every summer, rode the boat I caught my first fish in, swam in the lake I learned to swim in and roasted marshmallows in the same spot I roasted marshmallows in when I was 5 years old. That weekend meant a lot to me.

So I think I did alright.

2015! A YEAR IN REVIEW

Its that time again!

we are, another new year. It feels a little lack luster right now, but at the same time - I don’t mind. I feel kind of, at peace, I suppose! Content. And I think that is okay! The New Year right now, doesn’t seem all that scary and it doesn’t need to be a BIG SHA-BANG! I feel peaceful and happy and I’m going to roll with it! Also to be noted - I have to say I really thought my new years kiss was so sweet and tender, and maybe thats why I feel this way! I’ll take it. Anyways - what can I knock off my list of things to do in 2015, what did I achieve?

THINGS TO DO IN 2015?

- Be kinder. Do things more selflessly. Do things for people without expectations of getting anything in return. (I’m going to say I was about 60/40 on this one. I think I definitely took strides, but its hard when you begin to feel used. We’ll work on this one.)

- Concentrate on what is RIGHT or what is GOING RIGHT. In life, in my job, career path, etc. (Yes - I think I did this to the best of my ability! Love my job, my home, my friends, etc.)

- Complain less. About everything/anything. (No - definitely need to work on this.)

- Eat clean, whole foods. Less salt, less sugar, less fat. Eat whole ingredients and whole foods. (YEA YEAAH)

- Love more, accept more. (hmmm I’d say.)

- Paint more. (Nay, Nay)

- Sew something wearable. Sew another quilt (#4) (Sewed two more quilts, need to up the game on the SS Fashion Line for 2016)

- Make the best out of any bad situations. (I’d say.)

- Fitness. Find some way to correct my knee problem and work on being the fittest I can be. (Knee is still fucked. Body is reasonably fit. Feeling pretty good!)

- Get on the supply list. (Nay Nay - I think my career path may take a slight sliiiight detour.)

What would I like to achieve in 2016!?

- Sew something new. Clothing. T-shirts. Dresses. Anything.

- Be kind for pete’s sake! Drop the attitude.

- Be more accepting of others and everyone’s little imperfections!

- Complain less. Appreciate more.

- Work out more. It wasn’t until I hurt my knee that I realized there are other things you can do with your body that are (almost) as challenging and as rewarding as running.

- Get them abs. I want to see and earn my muscle tone and definition.

- Travel somewhere new.

- Grow something new and edible. Grow more edible things!

- Drink more water.

- Cook new things and try new foods!!! I love food.

- Love more.

- Beat this awful and miserable fear of flying.

Well.. I’ll continue coasting for now on my wave. Work is good and could open up some doors to a career detour. Love is good. My man human is amazing and as sweet as sugar. I saw a few new places this past year. Met a few new people. Made a few new things. Close friends got closer. My family is amazing and they love me so much - and I am so grateful for that. Missing some old friends, gained a few new ones. And I’m not sure what else to say - so on that note! Peace out 2015, its been a pizza-slice.

2014 - well, well, well, we’ve come to an end.

Am I sad to see you go? No, not really. You gave me a lot of great opportunities a TON of new experiences. You’ve given me a lot of exceptional moments, good times, good friends and good memories. I’ve become a lot closer with some of my favourite people and shared a lot of cool memories. Could we improve for next year however? Of course.

So what did I accomplish from my MUST DO list of 2014?

WELL - lets see…

2014

-Get on the supply list (I’ve supply taught, but I’m not on the list JUST yet..)

-Cook more natural foods (YEA GIRL YEA)

-Read more books (#1 on the list, Wheat Belly) (I think I read 3, but that might be a record?)

-Continue running (and working on my self) (My knee is busted, so no… )

-Help people more - without the expectation of anything in return (Check.)

-Meet more people (Check)

-Play more music, write more music, play more shows (nope)

-Paint, quilt, sew - be more creative (painted and sewed another quilt)

-Love more, accept more, understand give & take more (Check.)

Not too bad. I feel like I’m in a good place. I’m content and believe I’m on a path of success. My job is good, and my co-workers are fun and keep me motivated. The kids I get to hang out with make me laugh and challenge me every day. I’m always learning how to plan better, how to be more patient, be more engaging and to listen and communicate. Kids are weird, but the hilarious stuff I hear them say always makes each day bareable when all I wanna do it be a lazy pile on the couch.

My best friends are amazing. My favourite human is amazing and he lifts me up and lets me depend on him for anything, and I know he’ll still accept me with open arms at the end of the day no matter what. Life is good and for now, I’ll just keep rolling along into the new year. I’m pretty interested to see what its going to hold for me.

THINGS TO DO IN 2015?

- Be kinder. Do things more selflessly. Do things for people without expectations of getting anything in return.

- Concentrate on what is RIGHT or what is GOING RIGHT. In life, in my job, career path, etc.

- Complain less. About everything/anything.

- Eat clean, whole foods. Less salt, less sugar, less fat. Eat whole ingredients and whole foods.

- Love more, accept more.

- Paint more.

- Sew something wearable. Sew another quilt (#4)

- Make the best out of any bad situations.

- Fitness. Find some way to correct my knee problem and work on being the fittest I can be.

- Get on the supply list.

2014

A YEAR IN REVIEW…

So what do I need to accomplish in 2014…

-Get on the supply list (I’ve supply taught, but I’m not on the list JUST yet..)

-Cook more natural foods (YEA GIRL YEA)

-Read more books (#1 on the list, Wheat Belly) (I think I read 3, but that might be a record?)

-Continue running (and working on my self) (My knee is busted, so no… )

-Help people more - without the expectation of anything in return (Check.)

-Meet more people (Check)

-Play more music, write more music, play more shows (nope)

-Paint, quilt, sew - be more creative (painted and sewed another quilt)

-Love more, accept more, understand give & take more (Check.)

2013

A YEAR IN REVIEW…

I’ve been working on my list of New Years Resolutions and things to accomplish in 2013.

Here goes…

*Get a job in my feild - or at the very least take a leap in the right direction. (CHECK. *pats self on back*)

*Paint more. (Does water colour count?)

*Run more. (Check.)

*Meet new people - whether through the internet, group meet-ups, through other friends or mentors, just meet people. (favourite new friends of 2013 awards coming soon.)

*Continue my clean eating quest. The more natural the better. (December has been rough on that front - but the rest of the year has been top notch)

*Buy less. Narrow down my possessions. (I am a notorious self proclaimed “thing-hater”. If I can do without it, I will find away to make due without it.)

*Run a half marathon - which may require me to buy new running shoes. (Didn’t happen… but I did go through 3 months of physiotherapy and therapy-ed my self back to running again)

*Volunteer at Ottawa School of Art - again. (CHECK.)

*Grow plants or vegetables. (Two live plants, thriving in my apartment presently. Tomatoes next?)

*Maintain my pledge to never work another Christmas in retail. (SUCCESS! I spent boxing day laying on my couch. Win win win!)

2012

A YEAR IN REVIEW…

Things to do in 2012…

*Tattoo (before Sept. 11th). (Didn’t happen.)

*Record that EP I’ve been meaning to record. (Didn’t happen.)

*Make a [shitty] music video. (Didn’t happen.)

*Sell some art work. (Check!)

*Finish my quilt. (Double check!)

*Paint more. (Check!)

*Find a shitty job to get me through the winter and then a sweet job for later. (Hmmm - well I didn’t work a lick last winter, but I managed to get an assistant manager position in a shitty shit shoe store selling over priced leather shoes to annoying Europeans.)

*Cook more diverse and delicious food. (Duh, check! Clean eating!)

*Drink more wine. (Check, obviously.)

*Visit Alex in Berlin. (Didn’t happen.)

*Be more spontaneous. (Check. Summer of YES happened.)

*Be a lady. (Hmm, Summer of YES may have gotten in the way of that.)

*Be more creative. (Somewhat check?)

*Design and sew a piece of wearable clothing. (Didn’t happen.)

So not so bad! It could of been worse. So what did I do this year?

*Got my second degree.

*Had my first solo art show and sold art work.

*Wrote A LOT of music. Basically an entire new catalog of songs.

*Moved out of my long time apartment on Somerset and made some big changes in my life.

*Started running, trained for a 10km, ran a 10km run.

*Moved from Somerset to High Street to Lisgar to Frank to Lisgar.

*Summer of YES.

*Endured the most difficult and traumatic ordeal I’ve ever experienced in my life to date. Which has effected me long term mentally and physically.

*Rode a motorcycle for the first time. Many times. Best time - to the top of Champlain Lookout in Gatineau