#it always feels so nice whenever i do things i just kinda. never imagined myself doing

[elegyofthemoon]

😊

[all-things-ghostly]

The Beast of the Blood Moon

Werebat! Alistair Crump x GN Reader

Warning! This fic probably isn’t going to be for everyone! Aside from the end, it’s a little dark - CW for somewhat graphic transformation (starts with the first ~~~ below the cut and ends at the second), Alistair having a bad time, animal death and consumption, blood, small reader injury.

~~~

Okay I was originally not gonna post this and just keep it to myself because I thought it was too niche but then I remembered what kinda people Alistair fans are and went through with it anyway LMAO

I apologize if it drags on or feels like a mouthful. I had used this as an opportunity to practice description-heavy fics instead of relying on dialogue so I don’t have as much experience with this. Please be nice to me lmao I’ve been kinda beating myself up during the writing process-

With Alistair’s death came an array of changes. In many ways, he hardly resembled the person he was when he was alive. His form had gone from decently built to thin and skeletal, grey skin pulled tightly over it without much muscle mass left. It was difficult for him to move how he used to, especially without the support of his cane, which is why he was almost always floating and rarely walking. The structure of his face was completely different - everything was all sunken, uncanny, and corpse-like. There was so much he could point out that he didn’t like about his new body, but we’d be here for too long.

Needless to say, he looked like a monster. He felt like a monster.

And after a while, he actually started to become one.

Alistair thought that death would be the end of it all, but he couldn’t be further from the truth. Throughout his first few years of ghosthood, Alistair only continued changing. The first thing he noticed was his teeth - they had initially begun to straighten themselves out a bit, which made Alistair happy, but that was only so that they could get bigger. Much bigger. And sharper. This had especially impacted his canines, which had grown long and pointed, so much that they barely even fit in his mouth anymore.

Then came the rapid claw growth. Whenever Alistair cut his nails, he would wake up the next morning to find them the exact same length they were before. He couldn’t do anything to stop it. Eventually, he just gave up and let them do their own thing, at which point they stopped growing at a certain length and instead became reinforced into strong, durable, sharp claws. To be honest, Alistair quite liked them. It was one of the few new changes he actually didn’t mind that much.

The worst thing, however, were the blood moons.

Full moons nourished Alistair. They gave him strength and power beyond imagination. Lunar eclipses, on the other hand, slowly became his downfall. The first one he experienced after his death made him feel nauseous with a slight toothache, and that was about the worst of it. But with each consecutive blood moon, the symptoms got worse. He got brain fog. White fur started growing on his chest and limbs. His cloak would painfully fuse to his back. Luckily it all went away in the morning, but the experiences left Alistair dreading the next blood moon.

The 13th eclipse was the peak of it all.

That was the night the spirit truly lost himself. The night he transformed into something far more horrific than he could have ever imagined. It absolutely terrified Alistair to have no control over his body like that.

Every time he transformed into that… thing, Alistair only started hating himself more. For years and years he tried to deal with it, but nothing could ever tame the beast within him.

Then, a century later… a new mortal moved in.

~~~ You glance outside the window and check on the position of the moon. It’s almost midnight, when the effect will fully set in. Behind you Alistair clutches his heart and leans against the wall. He looks to be in pain.

Alistair has never told you exactly what happens to him on lunar eclipses. He’s mentioned it to you before, especially in recent times as the eclipse drew closer, but he would always hide the exact details. It’s something he’s always been self conscious about and refuses to elaborate on. All you know is that whatever happens to the ghost is supposedly very dangerous, for you and for others.

You’re lost in quiet contemplation as you stare out the window, feeling sorrow for poor Alistair, when suddenly a loud crash and thud behind you tears you away from your thoughts. Turning around frightfully, you notice that Alistair has collapsed and is leaning propped up against the wall. His hat is crooked and he’s panting heavily like he’s in severe distress. You rush away from the window, getting down on the floor so you can be eye level to him.

“What’s going on? Are you alright?” You ask, putting a hand on his shoulder. The texture of his cloak beneath your hand catches your attention. Looking at it, you notice that it’s begun to change shape and feels more… organic than usual.

“Y/n, please, I told you that you need to leave,” Alistair pleads with you between grunts of pain. “I won’t be myself. I won’t remember who you are. There’s no way for me to guarantee that you will be safe, that I won’t hurt you. You cannot stay here, please.”

In a sudden and startling turn of events, Alistair cries out, gripping his head with his claws. Something is happening to him that makes you immediately pull your hand away from his shoulder and scurry back…

His cloak…

It’s starting to move on its own.

The way it moves reminds you of something from a horror movie, like bones snapping into impossible, grotesque positions. Accompanying the rigid movements of the cape is a sickening cracking noise that makes your stomach turn. Throughout it all, Alistair starts to scream, as the fabric is quite literally welding itself into his body and becoming a part of him.

“I said leave, Y/n!” He shouts once more, falling onto his hands and knees. Alistair’s form trembles violently, and with yet another cry, what was once his cape fully transforms into a massive set of bat wings with an impressive wingspan. The wings spread out wide in an intimidating spectacle while Alistair continues to struggle.

Hurried footsteps pound down the eastern hallway, and in comes one of the mansion’s ghostly servants, attracted by the noise. She takes a second to assess the situation and notices Alistair convulsing on the floor. Her face falls. Then she notices you.

“Oh! Er— come here, dear,” she urges, nervously scurrying over to you and gently grabbing your wrist. Her eyes are filled with deep fear and concern. “Let’s go. I know a safe place you can hide for the night.”

She tries guiding you away, but you resist. All you care about right now is Alistair. The poor man appears to be suffering immensely at the hands of his transformation. Right now, he’s currently attempting to push himself up off the ground, but he’s too weak and just falls over again with a little whine.

“Alistair…” you mumble.

Sensing your sympathy, the servant’s eyes soften into a gentle expression. “I know you’re worried about him, but he will be alright in the morning. Now come on, right this way, right this way…”

She starts to softly pull on your arm, leaving you no choice but to follow her and leave Alistair behind. The last thing you see is him keeling over before you get dragged out of the room and brought into one of the guest rooms down the hall.

Now, Alistair is left all alone in the foyer of the mansion. Aside from his wails, the house is completely silent, since all of the other inhabitants have hidden away for the night. There was no one to help him as he went through the next stage of the awful transformation. Unfortunately for him, the wings were only the beginning. He barely even got a minute of relief before he felt that dreadfully familiar burning sensation deep inside of his body.

Snap.

Snap.

Snap.

Bones began to break and expand at unnatural rates in order for his form to change. His spine grew longer and more jagged, making his frame tall and imposing. The bones in his legs snapped and reformed to become digitigrade like that of a wild beast. Additionally, Alistair’s arms and bony hands became larger in order to support a nasty set of vicious claws that could effortlessly tear into prey. Even his very skull began to warp and change into something more animalistic. It was awful. Alistair’s throat was starting to hurt from all the yelling and after a while the only sounds he could make were strained, guttural cries.

Not to mention the way his flesh had to grow to match his new skeletal structure. Though he maintained his lean shape, his arms and legs became more muscular, as well as his back muscles that helped propel those massive wings of his. Alistair could hardly describe what it felt like, but the way that his cells had to rapidly mutate beyond human capability was insufferable. Mostly, it felt like a hellish burning. But there was also a strange, stinging-aching feeling associated with his insides stretching out and body changing shape. For the last step in the body mutation, a pair of large bat ears sprouted from his head, and he gained the last few kinds of animalistic features he needed: paw pads on the bottoms of his feet, a proper bat muzzle, and even larger fangs, to name a few.

Finally, it was over. The hard part, anyway. His fur still needed to grow in but that was painless.

Alistair, completely exhausted, laid curled up on his side, trembling and whimpering pitifully. He struggled to catch his breath after everything that just happened and panted like a wounded animal. Scattered all around him were the remnants of his clothes that had burst at the seams during his transformation. Suddenly he was glad everybody left the room, otherwise they’d have… quite the view.

While he rested, his beautiful fur coat started to grow out, starting at his limbs and torso and continuing to spread from there. The fur was longest on his chest and crotch area (which worked in his favor, considering he had no clothes on that would otherwise cover things up) and it was surprisingly soft. It was almost funny how soft he was considering how the rest of him just seemed so monstrous.

For the first couple of minutes, Alistair did nothing but lay still and breathe. He was still very spent and needed a minute to adjust to his new form as a werebat. But it wouldn’t last for long. Because he knew that very shortly, the hunger would set in. Hunger so insatiable that he would do anything to feel warm blood and flesh beneath his fangs.

Just at that moment, his bat nose twitched when he caught the scent of something far in the distance. He sniffed the air a few times to get a better feel for it… some sort of large prey in the woods behind the mansion. His maw started foaming immediately, he just couldn’t help it… whatever was out there should surely be enough to sustain him for the night.

Alistair, with newfound vigor, starts to push himself up off the ground. At first, he feels very unsteady since he’s not adjusted to his body yet, but animal instinct quickly takes over and he rises to his feet. Standing at just over 7 feet tall, Alistair’s werebat form is an absolute menace. His animalistic mind has now been completely consumed by bloodthirstiness and the idea of his next meal. Assuming an aggressive position, Alistair puffs his chest out, spreads his wings, and flares his claws, just before releasing a screeching cry so shrill that it echoes throughout every hall of the mansion, shaking the very foundation it rests upon.

Immediately after he calls out, Alistair rears his head and charges at the mansion’s front door. It shatters effortlessly against his mighty form, and with that the giant bat escapes the mansion unharmed, flying into the night in search of his prey.

~~~

“Come on, come on…”

The beam of light coming from your flashlight sputters and flickers from what you assume is low battery, or perhaps old age. You give it a good few hard smacks. Now is hardly the time for it to malfunction.

The spirits of the mansion had kept you sequestered away in one of the guest rooms for about an hour, trying to defend you from Alistair. And, while you appreciated their concern, you were worried about him. From the room you were in you could hear his pained, miserable screams.

Which meant that you also heard the sound of him destroying the front door and fleeing.

Since all of the other spirits were hiding away in their own separate places, it was rather easy for you to sneak out unnoticed. All you took with you was a flashlight and a small dagger, just in case. Not that you could ever use it on Alistair. It just made you feel a little safer wandering into a dark, wooded area knowing that you had a weapon with you.

The flashlight beam finally stabled itself out after the last hit. You point it out into the tangled woods behind the mansion and try to find any evidence of Alistair. Considering he flew, it’s not like you could go off of animal tracks or anything, so it was proving to be a little difficult. But you were determined to find him.

Finally, you start to take some hesitant steps into the forest. The trees had grown long and twisted, some of them even being over a century old, which blocked out the moonlight and made it even more difficult to see. All you really had going for you lighting-wise was some crappy flashlight that was likely crusted over with battery acid. The forest also had that typical Louisiana humidity to it, even at night. You had to shoo off more mosquitos than you would have liked.

You walk for quite a bit of time, shining your flashlight over the ground and trees, before you find anything. The first sign you noticed were deer tracks on the dark soil. Not necessary anything related to bats, but you instinctively feel like you should follow them anyways. They seem to go on for a far, far distance, all in one direction, as if the creature was running from something…

Suddenly, you start to feel a bit paranoid.

You even began having second thoughts about turning back. Still, though, all you could think about was Alistair. He was somewhere all alone out here, stuck in a monstrous body he couldn’t control. Something could happen to him; what if he got shot?

You have to pull through, for him. So against everything telling you not to, you keep trekking through the woods.

At one point in the trail, there was a moment where the tracks suddenly stopped. Instead, there was a spot where dirt, leaves, and soil seemed to be scattered and kicked around, forming a large messy crater in the ground. Usually, you would’ve thought nothing of it, but for some reason it felt deeply off-putting.

After staring at it for a moment, you hesitantly decide to keep walking forwards. But it doesn’t get any better. Now, there is a large, long streak in the ground, as if something had been dragged through the dirt. You shine your flashlight over it, and notice something even worse splattered through the foliage…

Blood.

The sound of shifting leaves in front of you makes you jump out of your skin. You don’t dare look up.

The beam of your flashlight starts to waver from the way your hands begin to shake. More odd noises come from just a few yards away… snarfing, growling, noisy chewing. You already know what it is but you don’t want to look, you don’t want to look, you can’t look at it don’t look at it don’t look it at it—

Your flashlight sputters. Then flickers.

Then dies.

Oh, of course.

The flashing light seems to attract the attention of the beast in front of you. Without your only light source, it’s so dark that you can barely make out the silhouettes… and a pair of glowing yellow eyes bearing right into you.

Very, very slowly, you try to step away. The creature continues to stare unblinkingly at you as you move, keeping a large, clawed paw on the half-eaten deer carcass in front of it. Even as it lowers its head back down to take another huge bite, its eyes never leave you. You don’t know what to do. You can’t move.

You stand there very still for the next good few minutes. In that time the beast has managed to reduce the cervidae to nothing but a pile of bones. When it finishes eating and licks its maw, you hope that it will lose interest in you and walk away. But of course not. Instead, it stands up to its full height and starts creeping right over to you, the slits of its pupils so slim that you can hardly even see them.

For a moment, it steps into the moonlight, allowing you to see it clearly.

It’s Alistair, alright.

Looks like you found him after all.

Even as a werebat, something about its appearance makes you immediately recognize it to be him. Perhaps it’s the somewhat messy white fur that covers his body, fading into a grey color in a gradient manner towards his forearms and shins. Or it could be those giant dark grey wings that remind you so much of his cloak. His face, ears, hands and feet were a slightly lighter shade of grey than the wings, reminding you of his usual sickly skin tone… but most importantly, it might be those eyes of his. Those soul-piercing yellow eyes that could make the blood of even the bravest being run cold. You would recognize them anywhere.

You do your best to stay still as he approaches you. It might sound stupid, but you feel like running would only trigger him more. Alistair comes up to you, his massive figure towering over your shaking body, and you feel like this could be the end.

He leans down and gets so close to you that you can see the individual blood stains on his fur. But surprisingly, he doesn’t attack right away. Instead, his snout buries into your hair, and then your neck, sniffing around… he seems curious about you. Eventually he pulls back and grabs your wrist.

“Um, okay,” you stammer, scared absolutely shitless but following him as he drags you off to a small cave just nearby. It looks to almost be like… his den? The inside is decorated with various bones and skulls, as well as beautiful vines along the walls and some baskets full of fruit or other little snacks. Alistair pulls you over to a large pile of animal pelts towards the back of the cave and sets you down gently. Perhaps it’s his nest?

You’re feeling very confused. Especially when he plops down next to you and starts sniffing at your neck again and clothes again. Alistair’s face scrunches in confusion, as if he’s trying to place something, when suddenly he pauses and looks right into your eyes, his slit pupils dilating into a more gentle expression of recognition.

He remembers you.

It’s like a switch is flipped. Alistair’s large, strong arms pick you up and place you right into his lap, where he continues to examine you. Even if his brain is too fogged over to remember what you look like, he seems to recognize you by your scent alone. Which is honestly just really adorable.

He then carefully lifts you up so that you’re eye level and starts to rub his soft head along your face and neck. It reminds you of a cat rubbing itself along your legs to mark its scent on you, which is essentially the same thing he’s doing. It’s fascinating to see how differently he shows his affection in a more animalistic form - he may have a more feral, primitive mind now, but he still has his ways of showing that he loves you. After he deems you sufficiently marked, Alistair buries his soft little muzzle into the crook of your neck again…

…and then bites.

No, not like a cute little nibble or anything. He sinks his fangs right in and breaks the skin, just at the spot between your neck and shoulder. Considering how he showed no signs of hostility beforehand, you’re completely taken by surprise. In fact, you don’t even register the pain at first because you’re so shocked.

He holds his fangs there for about 10 seconds and then slowly lets go. Left just next to your shoulder is a massive, bleeding bite from his fangs. Your eyes are still widened in complete shock, but Alistair seems unphased. He was just acting on natural instinct.

See, the bite wasn’t meant to hurt you. He had actually carefully adjusted the force of it to where it would break the skin and engrave deeply but not cause any permanent damage to the nerves or flesh. Instead, he made it just deep enough to create a permanent scar on a visible area of your body. He was giving you a mating bite - a mark on you that would show everyone, both human and beast, that you were his.

Alistair’s long tongue gently laps at the wound to clean it. His saliva seems to be numbing it for you, lessening some of the stinging pain left behind (and, as a bonus, he gets a little snack out of the blood). The werebat seems to know that his fangs hurt and is now acting very tenderly towards you to make up for it. His tongue works diligently until the bite mark naturally clots and is ready to be properly treated later.

Once he’s finished, Alistair makes a low growling noise and leans back onto his nest with you on top of him. His large arms wrap tightly around your body and hold you so close that your face gets smothered in his long chest fur. Breathing him in, you notice that he has somewhat of a woodsy musk smell to him. It’s honestly quite pleasant. He starts to purr, a deep, rumbling purr that you can feel the vibrations of as you rest on top of his fluffy underbelly.

“Oh, well… I guess you’re actually a little bit cute,” you mumble at him, freeing an arm so you can scratch him underneath his ear. Alistair’s purring gets louder, and his eyes start to close in pure contentment. It’s… really, really adorable. Normally, Alistair would get pissed off if you tried babying him like this. But right now? Just like any other creature, he could never deny some good scritches.

The cute little (or rather, not so little) monster nudges up against you like he wants more. Who are you to deny him? You take both hands and start rubbing his soft face, even giving him a little kiss on the nose, which makes his big bat ears twitch. Now, under your touch, he’s no more intimidating than a lap dog.

Alistair especially loves it when you start to pet and scratch his fluffy belly. His purrs become so loud and deep that it reminds you of a dinosaur. His large bat body stretches out to expose himself as best as he can to you for more rubs, his leg kicking joyously when he receives them. He just feels so… relaxed.

He wasn’t used to that. Feeling relaxed. Not only in werebat form, but as regular old Alistair Crump, too. Normally he was much too shut in and reserved to let someone get close to him, nevertheless touch him. And as a werebat, Alistair was constantly under the stress of trying to control his violence and rampages. He has never once been able to just settle down and let someone pet him like this.

Perhaps that just means that you’re someone he feels safe around.

After a while, you notice him starting to yawn. The large bat looks very sleepy, having been relaxed by your gentle, comforting touch. Alistair makes another little purring sound and pulls you close once more. His warm tongue starts to sweetly lick at your lips, almost like he’s giving you his own little version of kisses to thank you for all of the affection you gave him.

Finally, he settles down and wraps his arms and wings against you, cuddling you as if you were his own little stuffed animal. You notice that as he drifts off to sleep, his eyes are gentle and dilated. It’s a sign of how calm he is. The calmest and tamest the beast has ever been.

Maybe, all this time, he only needed a gentle and understanding mate.

And who better to fit the part than you?

[stacywaters]

Just Pretend (BEOMGYU) CH3 - New Moon

We slow as we come up on a red light.

"So... where are we going?" I ask

"You'll see" He answers.

He makes a left turn. As we continue down the road, fewer and fewer cars are seen. Finally, he slows into a small parking lot with no cars in sight.

"We're here!" He announces.

This time, I open the door for myself and step out onto the asphalt, breathing in the chilling night air.

We begin walking through the park, treading slowly over gravel paths. Our steps synchronize at a steady pace, but my heart is still beating rapidly.

The moon's glow brightens his side profile, eyes gazing down at the path before us and a subtle smile painted on his face. I didn't think about how difficult it would be to spend all this time with him, him whom I don't know all that well. I didn't calculate the struggle of pretending to date him, but making sure he knows I'm pretending. In my head, I'm not pretending. Not at all.

"So, why this park?" I ask, "I mean- it's a very nice park! Really! Just... why this one?"

"My house is near here, so I come here a lot" he answers.

"Cool, cool"

He exhales deeply, "but, I guess it also means a lot to me because it's the only place I can be..." he pauses in thought, "myself"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's not like I'm not myself with others, like at school, but I'm not fully honest either" he elaborates, "I'm still trying to make people like me. Still trying to hold up the expectations on me"

I think about it for a second. Expectations, what expectations? Isn't he perfect?

So I ask, "What expectations are on you?"

He goes silent. Was that the wrong thing to ask? He sighs, "I don't know"

"I mean, what image do you have to hold up? You're already perfect. Everyone likes you"

"That image. The image of this perfect guy with perfect friends and perfect grades and... and," he stops, "and a perfect dad"

Wrong thing to say! I keep my eyes away from him.

I start, "sorry, I didn't know"

"No, it's okay, you wouldn't," he replies, "I just can't imagine anyone looking at me and thinking I'm perfect. I'm such a mess" he laughs.

"You seem perfect to me. Seriously, your hair is better than mine and I spend so long each morning styling it" I joke.

"I do have that," he chuckles.

"You absolutely don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable with it," I say, "but what did you mean when you were talking earlier? About your friends and your dad?"

"Oh," he pauses.

"It's okay if you don't-"

"No, it's fine. I uh-, my dad gets mad because my grades aren't the best, but it's not like I'm being lazy. I guess it doesn't help that I'm trying to pursue music, he never was one for art. Always thought it was a waste of money"

"I'm sorry. That's hard, he just doesn't understand where you're coming from" I reply. I wouldn't have expected that, I can't even believe he's okay with telling me all this!

"It's just... do you ever feel like people don't understand you? Like they don't even try?" He asks, looking at me. We make eye contact. And this time, I don't break it.

"Yes" I answer before looking away, "all the time. Whenever I talk to others at school, they never really let me in"

"Really?" He asks.

"Yeah. Everyone just kinda assumes that I don't want friends. But even when I try, they never really... get me."

"Exactly. My friends don't either" He says.

"What about Yeonjun? You seemed like you were great friends earlier"

"I mean, I enjoy talking to him. But I feel like... he has better friends than me"

"Aren't you all one friend group?" I question.

"We all hang out together at school" he says, "but... I feel like I don't quite fit in with them. Like if I keep my head down, they let me tag along. But I-, I try not to be too much myself because I don't know if they'd like me if they really knew me"

"Maybe I would" I said, though it came out more as a question.

He glanced at me in shock, before it settled in a smile.

"Maybe"

-------

As we reach my front door, I pause and turn to him. He stops on the steps to the deck.

"I had a good time" I say.

He looks down as his lips tilt up, "yeah, I'm really glad we did this"

"I know that we were just doing this as pretend," I whisper, "but I think this is the first time, in a long time, that I've really had fun with-, with a friend"

He looks into my eyes for the last time that night and says, "yeah, me too"

[solmints-messyocdiary]

Tw: Animal death, suicide mention, blood, gore, torture mention, violent ideas

[Mismatched excerpts ripped off from Finley's Journal. The dates have been scribbled away with a black pen.]

It feels weird writing on a journal. Like something a teenager might do instead of a grown ass man who works from 9 to 5.

But I needed to destress and let it out on some pages after talking with my mother on the phone. I hate hearing her shrill voice on the other side of the receiver. The only thing she can do is complain and complain and complain about the same thing over and over again. I don't want to see that man either... I hate him more than her.

I can't handle her and to think I have to go and visit them on Thanksgiving and Christmas I feel like I am going to lose my damn head.

At least I can let things out and still practice my writing if needed, so that's a plus. I haven't had much time to update my book, and that's making me a bit sad. Hopefully, I'll be able to write a bit.

Might treat myself and go the diner to get some choco pancakes and a milkshake. Those will surely cheer me up.

Really want pancakes and milkshakes...

-

The longer I stay on this damn job, the more I feel like I am going to lose myself. I've been spacing out every 5 minutes whenever someone talks to me. It's hard. (Hehe)

I had to stay 2 more hours overtime, no pay for my hard work the 3rd time this week. I had to wake up earlier, too. I arrived around 8 instead of 9 because the computers were acting up at my workplace and needed me, the IT guy, to fix them.

Not to mention, the printer too... If I have to fistfight the printer again, or hear any of my coworkers complain, particularly Brandon, I am going to strangle them. I am really going to snap!!!

I wish their heads would just explode into a bloody mess. Just Carrie them off with my mind powers whenever I feel annoyed of them. They surely deserve that, particularly Brandon and my boss. Fuck those two. The world would be better if they didn't exists. We don't need red flags walking around the office... only me! Haha!

-

I promised myself to do it again, but alas, old habits die hard as the saying goes.

Went to the beach for a dip and found a baby bird on the sand. Ants surrounding its small body and biting pieces away to bring it to their lair. Lucky for me, I always have my camera with me. Never the one to miss a chance.

I guess I should be sad but that's how nature is.

Cruel.

I wonder how others would react if they saw my ant-bitten corpse...

-

Finished rewatching Scream 2 and...

Damn... Why is Mickey kinda...?

Like... you know? If I was a girl I'd be into him and have his poster hanging over my bedroom wall haha.

Still angry at Scream 2 for killing Randy, tho. He was my favorite.

Rented Carrie, Slaughter High, Graduation, Prom Night, for tonight. Felt a bit nostalgic for some reason. Getting shoved in a locker every tuesday really does something to a guy. Going to have a nice movie night with myself while I think of my high school times.

Totally good for my mental stability, yup!

-

I wonder how my old high school friends have been doing...

Do they remember me with disdain? Are they happy with their life? More successful? Managed to marry a nice gal or guy and have many kids together? A stable job and nice suburban house?

...

Fuck them.

-

Death still scares me.

I thought that if I forced myself to witness the worst of the worst. Every torture imaginable, researching hours and hours and hours of how a body decays, how long does it take for it to rot, shrink, turn into dust.

Live footages of people getting decapitated, stabbed, run over, split in half, drowned, squashed to death, gutted, burned alive, choked, flayed.

I'd grow out of it.

It's not that hard to look for stuff like that as long as you know where to find it and you're patient.

Will I ever be able to look at their loved ones in their eyes. Admit that I saw the last moments of their brother, mother, a cousin? The light leaving their eyes?

I thought I've become numb enough to just stare attentively, not blinking for a second.

People I know will die one day. Complete strangers, lives of theirs I will never know, are dying as I write this.

And yet, I remain wide awake. Imagining how it'll feel for my body to reach nothingness. The maggots feasting on my insides, eating away little by little. Gourging themselves on the bile and flesh and pus from my organs till they become fat, squirmy little bugs. Eating, mating, dying, rinse and repeat over and over and over again.

My skin itches thinking of it. Like they have already managed to crawl deep inside.

Even a death as boring and not spectacular like an illness terrifies me.

-

How long do I have left? Have I wasted my life? Is it too late for me?

When will I die...

-

I miss my friends from high school... some of them I've forgotten their names...

I sometimes think about Chelsea. No, I am always thinking about her...

If I contact her... will she ever forgive me?

It's too late to cry over spilt milk.

-

Seems I've been thinking about death a lot lately.

I went to go see a movie to try and fend of the feelings of dread and paranoia that have been seeping in me.

Stale popcorn, overpriced and oversized. Check.

Watered down soda. Check.

Badly directed horror film? Check.

Annoying and talkative patrons? Double check.

The blood effects weren't as cool compared to others, but at least the lead was hot even if she couldn't act to save her life.

-

Why am I even trying?

-

I made a blog.

I post all the pictures I've taken from dead animals and roadkill.

-

I feel numb.

-

I haven't been feeling real as of late. I even dared touch one of the spilt out guts of a cat behind an alleyway. I wanted to feel something. See if I was still here. I pushed my fingers in, feeling the slimy and sticky organs. It burned and I janked my hand away.

It felt surreal.

I can't feel my hands or face at times. Like they weren't even there to begin with.

-

I think I might go to a therapist.

-

I want to die...

[battle-subway-ghost]

Intro.

Never been good at introducing myself. But, here we go.

I'm Paris. Or Ghost. Either one works. Ghost is a nickname, and has been an alias for a while now. I don't really care which one you want to call me. Anyways, I'm 24, and my pronouns are he/him.

I used to fight in the Battle Subway a lot. So if you remember a guy named "Ghost" from there, that's probably me. That's all over now though, I've been living in Galar for a while now. Still connected to my Unovan roots though. Imagine some braviary sound effects here, I don't fucking know.

If you think you recognize me, firstly no you don't. I keep my face private for a reason. Secondly, don't come up to me if you aren't looking to have a battle. Not gonna force you but I don't like talking to strangers outside of that.

So my horse accidentally posted a video of me getting attacked by my rival's Froslass. So my face is kinda out there now. Don't fucking harass me or shit like that, don't be a weirdo. (and no, this doesnt mean ill be posting more pictures of myself. Don't ask.)

Anyways. Enough about me, here's my team.

I've also got a battler in-training, and 3 rattata that I keep as pets. I might as well give 'em all a graphic here.

FAQ because people in real life keep asking me this:

Q: Cheri looks very pink. Is that normal? A: Yes, he does. It probably is.

Q: Is that a shiny alolan rattata? A: No. Bean is albino.

Q: What's wrong with Grungle? A: Nothing. He's a weird subspecies or hybrid, not sure which yet. Either way, he's REALLY FUCKING BLUE NOW, HOLY SHIT. He's safe though- it's not dangerous.

Dunno what else to say here. My main interests are battling, so if you have any questions about that, feel free to ask me. I'm not an actual EXPERT on it or anything, but it's whatever.

Hello! This is the OOC part of the introduction! I follow from @act11as, and ooc posts will be tagged as such, and will usually have the color green. I don't always do this, as it can be grating to look at after a while.

My rotomblr "hub" account is @battle-subway-aftershow!

Muse is an adult, mod is a minor. Don't be weird, or I'll screenshot your ask and make fun of you with my friends. Into the hall of shame with you.

(Weird: NSFW/Suggestive asks, fetish mining, etc. Do not fucking do these.)

Additionally: If your main is NSFW, please do not follow me. I will block you for my own comfort.

ALL TRIGGER WARNINGS WILL BE TAGGED AS "[word] tw"! This is to make it easier to blacklist things! if I ever miss something or you need me to tag something in specific, shoot me an ask or a dm! I'll try to remember.

Guidelines/Rules I guess?

*ALMOST ANY kind of Pokemon Irl blog can interact! Eeby deebies, sapient pokemon, evil teams, whatever! I cannot guarantee that Paris will be nice to you, (ESPECIALLY an evil team) or believe you.

*Self-Insert fallers, please do not interact. I personally cannot handle these kinds of blogs. Self-insert ocs are fine, but the idea of a real person on rotomblr being isekaid into Pokémon is not.

IN CHARACTER anon hate is perfectly fine! Be an asshole to Paris! Keep in mind that I won't always respond to these however, especially if they go too far in my eyes.

PARIS CAN AND WILL BE AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR! He doesn't know all the details, he can be wrong, he can flat out lie. Just something to keep in mind!

Extra:

Mystery Gifts are now open! And Preferred! Feel free to go crazy with this ^^

Pelipper Mail, un-mail, and Malice are always open! Feel free to torment this guy whenever you so please. (links go to the source posts for all 3 lol)

Musharna mail, (sending dreams) and Musharna malice (sending nightmares) are always on! Once again feel free to torment this guy.

Magic anons are usually off, unless I specifically specify otherwise!

Organizational tags:

#[nickname] the [pokemon] - Most posts about Paris' pokemon should be tagged like this.

#mind's eye - Usually ask games- these are not things Paris would actually say out loud, at least in the way the post says it, to a degree! Consider these semi-canon in nature. Feel free to press him outside of ask games, if you see something interesting though ^^

#Paris used Sleep Talk - a bit of a mixed bag, posts made by Paris either when he’s tired, falling asleep, or actually asleep. Usually angst but can be memes as well. Mixed bag like I said

#rival tag - Tag for posts mentioning/about Paris' rival, also known as @/subzeroiceshard

#mylah tag - Tag used for @/tinkatinktrain- Paris' friend.

#sprite tag - Tag used for @/thatfailedpokemontrainer- similar situation to the above.

#frosty tag - Tag used for @/frosty-sneasel!

#bluebird anon/bluebird tag - Tag used for @/blu3b1rdsss!

#beedrill tag - Tag used for @/a-nickits-den!

#shilo tag - Tag for @/shilo-sumac!

Previous arcs/Lore:

#A Frosty Reception / #A Frosty Reception 2.0 - Takeovers of one of Paris' childhood friends. done twice because I kept getting sick :(

#Gone Fishing Arc - Paris fucked off into the woods and almost never returned! Good look into his character. (warnings for pokemon attacks, injury, and frostbite)

#Kicked to Kanto - Smaller thing, what it says on the tin.

#Team Fauna - Inconsistently tagged, but should have the vital bits in the general area? (Check "Cult tw" if otherwise). Paris goes undercover in a cult to save his friends. This does not have consequences whatsoever (obviously, warning for cults.)

#Unraveling arc - Post Team Fauna- Something strange is going on with Paris' reality... It seems to be falling apart! Unraveling, even! (Warnings for horror, body horror, and unreality)

#Greyed Walls Event - The aftermath of Unraveling. Our Paris is missing, and a curious foxlike entity has gotten involved... (Askblog-style event- this is an AU of Paris, set in a post-apocalyptic world!) (Mild warning on top of the obvious apocalypse for horror and talks about injury + amputation!)

--

And finally, for music enjoyers- Here's his playlist! NOW ON YOUTUBE TOO BECAUSE FUCK SPOTIFY!

[qqueenofhades]

Feel free not to answer this because I feel like it’s a really heavy and rather personal and emotional thing, but you’re also one of the people whose opinion I respect the most and who I think would be able to offer a lot of help with this, and I think it might help some other people too, if it’s not too pretentious to say that. It’s definitely too pretentious, isn’t it.

For context, I’m a cis female lesbian, which is… both a good thing and also the stem of these problems.

First of all, queer people travel in packs, we all know that. It’s amazing, and somehow, most of my friends and I found each other even before any of us came out. It’s the unconscious gaydar, I guess. And more recently, a lot of my friends are coming out as different flavors of trans and nb, and in some ways, it feels like I’m the ONLY person who feels completely comfortable with their birth gender.

God it sounds really bad when I put it that way, and I know it kinda is. I barely know how to describe it, but in some ways, it feels like I’m almost the odd one left out, when most of my friends have that bonding experience and this new struggle they have to deal with, and I’m not able to help them out and be there for them in a way that I was when it was just sexuality in question (and believe me, that took me forever to figure out, and I imagine it’s much the same for gender). And. I dunno. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m one of the ONLY cis people in my friend group, and I feel almost guilty for that? Online there’s all the stuff about “oh it’s the cis people” and like, that’s me, I’m one of the people in question, and how some people act, it’s almost as though I’m not queer enough or something, like being lesbian isn’t enough to actually make me queer and that I have to be some flavor of trans as well. And I know that’s horrible to think, it’s an awful mindset to have, but it’s kinda how I feel. And to clarify, this is absolutely not my friend’s faults, they’re not saying or doing anything at all to imply what I’ve just said, it’s entirely my own fault and that of the internet.

Anyway, I’ll just leave that there for you, because I don’t have a resolution for it, that’s the problem.

My second problem is kinda similar. My two best friends are both enby aroace. One of them is a sex-repulsed ace, and we share a lot of same fandoms and things that we enjoy. They’re a S&B fan, for one, and a while back I sent them WDMTTPL because I figured they’d like it because it’s fantastically written and I love it so much. This is nothing personal to do with you, I’d like to clarify that. Anyway, they got to the first E rated scene and quit and refused to read the rest of it. That’s totally okay, that’s fine, they have every right not to enjoy the same stuff as me. Another thing we both like is Phantom of the Opera, have you seen that? There are two songs, one in the original and one in the (admittedly a shitshow with a good soundtrack) sequel, that yeah, they’re kinda about sex, but they’re still very nice songs. My friend calls the one in the sequel (the song being Beneath a Moonless Sky) as ALW’s E-rated sex fantasy song. It’s… not terribly explicit, in my opinion, but like I said, of course we have different opinions, and that’s okay. But they hate the song so much and whenever it comes up on a playlist or something that we’re listening to together, they always go and skip it. With that musical as a whole, Love Never Dies, it’s a shitshow like I said and it has horrible writing and I really just ignore all of the plot in favor of enjoying some of the few good songs in it. And because of how much they hate that song, which I think has fantastic music regardless of content, I almost feel guilty for liking it and for being a sex-positive person myself. It’s not like my friend saying “I don’t like this and so no one should like this” but in some ways it feels almost like that’s what they’re saying. It’s absolutely not their fault, but it feels like the same thing again. I feel guilty for being straight and not “queer” enough, I feel guilty for being a person who enjoys sex versus an aroace friend who really doesn’t, and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty about things I shouldn’t feel bad about.

The third one isn’t really along the same vein as the first one, but I think it’s one that does put me in the wrong and that I’m very conflicted about.

One of my friends is very openly poly and was ranting to us the other day about some thinly veiled homophobic (and specifically polyphobic) comments one of her professors made, and how for an essay in that class she’s writing about how poly marriage should be allowed and was asking for our opinions and stuff. Personally, I think it’s absolutely okay, I wouldn’t even be opposed to a poly relationship myself. However, eventually they got on the topic of the poly relationship of the variety where one person is married to two different people without those other two people being married together, but consensual between all three. And… something rubs me the wrong way about that. Something feels very inherently unequal and unfair about someone in a relationship with two other people without those people being together, ESPECIALLY if we’re talking marriage. And then I proceed to feel horrible about that, because who am I to judge what kind of love is okay, what kind of poly marriage should be allowed and what shouldn’t? Isn’t that just as bad as, say, telling a bi person in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender that they’re actually just straight? I still don’t feel like being in two seperate relationships at once can be fair or healthy, even if it IS consensual, but I feel horrible for almost gatekeeping something like that, and for getting into a heated debate with the friend in question about it. She also had a boyfriend at the time, and according to her, she said he’d be perfectly okay if she was to have a relationship with a different person beside him at the same time. And then I felt horribly petty, because they broke up like a week after my friend said all of that to the rest of us and that breakup may or may not have been related.

Anyway I have no good way of wrapping this up, I feel like it’s just been one big rant, and I know it’s very very personal and heavy, but you really are someone whose opinion I respect and would really appreciate hearing. You don’t have to answer this ask, because I know it’s a lot, but either way, thank you so much for taking the time to read this anyway.

Welp. Okay. First off, I am very honored that you trust me to talk about this to you, respect my opinion, and are interested in hearing my thoughts. For context, I am also a cis lesbian, and I suspect that I am somewhat-to-significantly older than you (10-15 years). So this is coming from a queer person in their thirties (not in their teens or twenties) and while I have plenty to say here, I'll start with this:

Basically, this ask is an encapsulation of everything that rubs me the wrong way about the online youth culture that has grown up on social media and calls itself "queer" and "progressive" while also uh, not being those things at all and often just being American Protestant evangelical purity culture. I hasten to stress that this is not your fault in any way, and nothing about what you have said is going to make me point a finger and go BAD QUEER PERSON! Instead, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for you and the guilt and stress that you're enduring and putting yourself through, when you really, really don't have to. I promise. Because if you just changed a few names and descriptions, you could be telling me how unhappy you feel in a religious fundamentalist cult! And that breaks my heart. Because:

You constantly feel guilty about whether you're "enough" for the overall authority/presumed "right way" to be a queer person, and constantly think that you have to do "more" to justify your inclusion;

You hang out with people and in shared social spaces that consciously or unconsciously reinforce the idea that you're "doing it wrong";

You worry constantly about whether being an ordinary human person with a sex drive makes you "unclean," "filthy," "evil," "lesser", etc etc;

You worry that you're in the wrong for expressing any opinion that might run against the prevailing wisdom, no matter what that opinion is or how you arrived at it;

You also worry that this is all "your fault" for not being good enough, and that if you continue to not be good enough, it will reflect on you as a personal sin and lead to your exclusion from the group, and that will be all your fault and nobody else's;

And on and on.

Anyway: as I said, this is flat-out conservative evangelical Protestantism with the names changed, and that's what makes me so averse to the so-called progressive purity/anti culture that has taken so much root in youth queer spaces. This isn't your fault or even that of your friends', it's just a result of what all of you have learned by osmosis and think is the only way to Be Acceptably Queer. And that is hogwash. It is total nonsense. It is absolutely not true. If you're hanging out in places or with people that are constantly feeding and reinforcing this message, whether implicitly or explicitly, then you DO need to find new places, healthier places, with maybe some older queer people who aren't as beholden to the niche culture of Performative Internet Wokeness as the younger terminally-online generation. Because it is a niche culture, it is very small, it is not at all representative of the lives and experiences of queer people all around the world, and you absolutely do not need to let it dictate your thoughts and behavior to the point of making you feel this way about yourself (or even at all). Because listen here:

I am holding your face in my hands, I am looking you in the eye, I am telling you from the bottom of my queer cis lesbian ace-spec old gay adult heart: I LOVE YOU, BABY GAY. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. AND AIN'T NOBODY, NOBODY AT ALL, GOT THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU OTHERWISE OR MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR BEING BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

Okay? Got it? I mean it. I am aggressively loving on you right now, in a healthy, boundaries-appropriate way, and telling you that IT IS OKAY. You are queer just the way you are. You're not a secret straight. You don't have to add an endless list of uber-specific micro-labels or nuances or explanations. You're you. You're queer. That's it, end of story, nobody can say otherwise. If people try to make you feel bad about it or shame you or imply that you're not enough, THAT IS THEIR FAULT and you can and should feel justified in calling them out on it. You don't need to torment yourself with guilt over having opinions, or liking sex, or ANY OF IT. Humans are humans! Humans (for the most part) like sex! Sex is a normal and natural and beautiful thing! Queer sex is beautiful! Het sex is beautiful! You can enjoy both or any or all of those things while also critiquing the sexified/commodified/heteronormative/repressive culture in which we exist! Our culture has been so messed up and fucked over (literally) when it comes to sex that once again, we've looped all the way back around to "I am a More Morally Pure Person if I Personally Reject Sex and This is a Totally Progressive Viewpoint" and like. As I said above, I am strongly ace-spec. I tend to enjoy reading about sex or having sexy headcanons more than I'm interested in actually pursuing it in the real world. But that doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, and I have zero objections to them doing what makes them happy.

So enjoy E-rated fic. Enjoy E-rated songs. Enjoy sex if you like sex, in fiction, real life, or wherever. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, BABY, OKAY? If you know that some of your friends don't like what you like, you don't have to share those things with them or rely solely on their approval/validation (and as I said, if you're hanging out in places or with people that only make you feel bad about who you are and what you like, it's time to re-evaluate that time and how it's spent). Go out in your community, meet older queer people, volunteer in queer spaces, do whatever you would like to make you feel more connected to the real-life community with a broader variety of perspectives. But also, you don't have to do these things to be considered queer. You don't have to Earn Your Place Via Hard Work (oh hello again, Protestant Ethic!) You just have to be you. That is enough.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[radfemsiren]

Hi! I really like your page so I hope you don’t mind if I bitch and moan to you real quick. I’m kind of tired of being put in the same situation every time I meet a guy. It’s always “Oh great! A new friend!” because I guess I’m a really naive person and I can never read the room. Ends up; they always want to date me and I have to end up rejecting them. #1: I’m a lesbian and #2: I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t wanna be in a relationship right now. It’s always this whole thing where I spiral back into self-hatred “Why do I have to like women? Why can’t I be attracted to him so I don’t have to hurt him?” that kinda thing. And then I feel even more guilty for worrying about my own emotions more than I worry about the guy I just rejected. Then afterwards if we stay friends….they always talk about how hard it is for guys in the dating pool, and how they’ll never find a partner. I just kinda feel like they’re indirectly talking to me every time they talk like that. Even though they never mention me….there’s always this pit in my stomach whenever the topic is brought up. I try to lift their spirits by telling them that it’s way too early for them to give up on dating, but they tell me that I wouldn’t know what it’s like for guys out there. Maybe I’m complaining about nothing? Maybe I should be happy that people actually want me when some guys don’t even get that? I feel like I don’t have a right to complain but I just feel more and more shitty the more I try to put myself out there and meet more friends. Accounts like yours are the only ones who have made me feel better about this whole situation. I just wanted to get that off my chest; and it’d be nice to know your opinion on it if you actually read this whole thing LOL!

Lol I did read the whole thing and I completely understand! I have this problem too which is why I've completely given up having any friendships with men. A lot of people accuse feminists of being bitter and only into women's rights because we "failed" to get male attention. This could not be further from the truth. I receive a lot of male attention and 90% of the time, its unwanted and just gives me a jumble of anxiety and irritation, and a negative thought pattern just like the one you described. So many women feel this, where its like "Ok, now how do I go about this problem? :/"

What I recommend is 2 things. First, understand that men have entitlement issues because of male socialization. Male socialization is basically society at large conceding to every whim and tantrum men throw in order to get their way, creating overgrown toddlers who feel like they deserve everything their sight touches. Understand that even the nicest of male friends have this issue to some degree, and you won't have these guilty feelings because you accept that they would never feel the same way about a girl they're not attracted to bothering them. Many men actually feel pride and excitement at the chance of turning a woman down, or at best, downright indifference. It's very rare to meet a guy that feels real guilt and shame if he's being put in the situation you're in. Because women are socialized to feel shame and guilt, even when they are not doing anything wrong.

Secondly, its important to understand that being "fuckzoned" is a million times worse than being "friendzoned." So many women every day get fuckzoned, which means only their body and potential for giving pleasure is seen as important. Meanwhile, friendzoning happens to men, which means their personality, laughter, thoughts and feelings are the priority. Which sounds better? Which problem sounds more humanizing? So when they feel bad, or keep complaining about their dating life to you (which is definitely directed at you, don't think you are imagining the hints, trust your gut) just remember that you are overhumanizing them, while they are underhumanizing you.

[koco-coko]

Well. It's 2024 for me, so I thought I'd post some thoughts here.

I'd been a part of the ikevamp fandom since Isaac's route released. I never really interacted with anyone (I didn't even have an account) but I would pop in occasionally. Well, I dropped ikevamp for a year (school) and when I came back to it, I told myself I was gonna be an active fandom member. I had gotten more confident in sharing my ideas online by then, so although scary, I kinda knew what I was getting into.

Didn't subtract the fact that it was scary. I mean, there's sooo many talented creators here and I'm just an anxiety ridden autistic girl who ships the most rarest of pairs! But I still felt welcome almost the very moment I made some posts. So, thanks for that, everybody. I don't think I've ever seen a fandom so encouraging about the very act of creation and self-indulgance and sheer enjoyment. It's kinda insane.

Now here's the part where I tag people:

@azulashengrottospiano I already left a comment, but thank you for being so welcoming. You were one of the very first people I interacted with and it really made me feel welcome here. And genuinely what you said in that reply earlier made me tear up a bit I'd never heard something that nice over the internet before :"")

@natimiles I did not expect to become friends (friends? Mutuals? Still trying to figure out how terms work) but you've always interacted with my posts and it's a joy to see your comments. And thanks for listening to my mad ramblings in messages... I tend to talk a lot when I like someone :)

@weirdwriter69 I don't know you too well but we've interacted a lot and I thought I'd say I enjoy when we do. You're comments and reblogs are always nice :) and so are your playlists! Don't worry, I'll tag you when the jean x vincent one comes along. Or if I make any others. Only if you want of course

@ikemendrew I just thought I'd tag you and say thanks for the encouragment on that one post and for liking a lot of my stuff. It means a lot :))

There's probably more I could say but I'm already nervous posting this, so just imagine I said all the other sappy things your thinking of.

So yeah I've been here less than a month but I already feel pretty welcomed in. Of course I'm still a nervous trainwreck whenever I comment on anybody's post (including the people Ive tagged lmao) but it's starting to get better :)

So uh, from Koco, happy new year!

[windy-trickster]

💭💭💭💭

Four random compliments you say.... Alright. BET. 1. You first Shen bc.... You're here :)! I know our conversations have kinda died down after awhile and I'm really sorry for that I just suck at talking to people sometimes. But you're a really good friend and I appreciate the fact you still decide to reach out to me sometimes and see what's up in my life. I love our little chats and getting to talk/plot about fantrolls as well. I especially enjoy our silly little chats involving Kyykel n Levy the most. Deffo my favorite ship between the two of us! So all and all: You're an amazing friend and thank you for not giving up on me. 2. @wormstuck Hiiiiii Orla <33333 Ik I've already gushed about you multiple times but you're also just an amazing friend. Seriously. I don't think I tell you that enough but you're honestly one of the few people I like- Feel super comfortable enough to like- Be myself? If that makes sense. You're very easy for me to talk to and we always have a fantastic flow of conversation whenever we chat. I love all of our ships together and a lot of your chars are just... Woah. Creative designs, interesting lore and interpersonal relationships. I love that I get to ship with you as well. All of our ships, even if I don't bring up a couple of them, hold a very very very very special place in my heart and I always think about them. I'm very glad to have you in my life and I hope I continue to. 3. @jaded-daydream Ik they're not around rn but they're my bestie so ofc I have to include them. Our first ever ship, Sundial, will always hold a special little place in my heart and I never imagined I'd become so close to someone that I'd call them my best friend. But w/DD it just seemed to happen so smoothly and so instantly. We almost religiously got on call every night and had the time of our lives together just chattin' n playin' stupid little games. I love all of their fantrolls and their goofy little art pieces too. I don't know what's happening w/them rn, but bestie if you see this in a future, please know I care about you so much. You're the best. 4. @knavestrolls Hello hi parental unit! o/ Yes that's my mapa there and I love them dearly. Very very very dearly. Davie had done so much for me and I wish I could do a whole world of stuff back for them. He's very sweet and dorky and kind and I don't think he gives himself enough credit for stuff like that. I also still think it's funny that we met bc I put Kyykel in for some little drawing thing he was doin' at the time. I love all of Davie's fantrolls and their stories and lore and etc etc. All n all I have nice person to talk to. Also thank you for adopting you're just as fucked up as I am to think that's a good idea! /pos

[da-birb-writes-sometimes]

(hi ^_^ i dont know if these are closed but i'd like to request a romantic matchup with the twst boys (no staff preferably). call me lee by the way! or 💥

im an introvert. mellow, light-hearted, down-to-earth and a bit assertive when i can be and i have tendencies to be passive-aggressive when provoked. i think i'd say i'm kinda stubborn as well and i don't like to cause trouble for myself for no good reason. i tend to be rational almost all the time since it helps me find common ground on things so it's easier to cater for ppl whilst trying to conclude together. i go with the flow most of the time and i'm quite unshaken to setbacks and try not to dwell on them. i also observant and catch onto small details and remember the small things abt ppl easily. i get along with most people really since i don't have strong feelings of hate for the people around me. im also naturally intelligent but the lack of motivation kinda throws me off (lazy bum). when im around people, i tend to be corny as hell with my jokes and they are almost always a hit or miss. im also sarcastic and offbeat in terms of my humor. people have told me im quite warm-hearted, loyal and considerate. a friend of mine also told me they felt like they could be themself in my presence. im also quite comical (in terms of my facial expressions). i give advice rather than comfort or just silent comfort.

as for hobbies i really love drawing and im into videogames (mostly horror games) and tv series/movies. honestly whatever catches my attention. i also want to play the guitar and garden soon.

i look for someone who i can spend time with.. i like to take things slow, so i guess something casual then turns serious. it takes a while to bare myself to other people so i think i need someone who wont go yapping off my personal problems to anyone else. also i have a hard time expressing how i feel so i tend to use more actions that words. id also like someone who can motivate me cuz im quite the lazy person. knowing that someone has my back is something i deeply appreciate. also someone honest please. other than that, the bare minimum wins. you love me, i love you. bonus if you match my energy or play along wither whatever gimmick i have in store.

i cant deal with people who cant alk things through. i also dont like people who tend to go out of their way to purposefully harm reps/relationships etc. holier-art-thou personalities are also a turn off. also know-it-alls who can actually never back up anything they say. and the usual.

i give quality time, parallel play and acts of services. i like to receive words of affirmation the most and any other one that i give.

typology: istp sp9w8 973 (or 953 im not sure) zodiac: aries sun, capricorn moon, aquarius rising, mercury pisces, venus taurus

im unlabeled with a masc preference. im monogamous. in relationships, i think i may be clingy but i prefer if we respect when we need a little space every now and then. im not too sure how id be in one overall. theres a first for everything

i'm 5'4, warm-toned brown skin and 4B curly black hair (in braids) with two moles on each side of my face. i also have dimples and on the chubbier side. severe case of resting bitch face that everyone seems to think im an unfriendly grump (im not im nice). people say my smile is akin to :3 i tend to present neutrally but more on the feminine side i suppose. i really love rings as well and wear them whenever.

i also love strangers to lovers trope or opposites attract (not necessarily stark opposites like sun and moon, but the way they think and act, you wouldn't think they would end up together but they do somehow.)

thank you!

Hi, Lee [you can also be 💥 anon if you want]! Seems like you’re the apple of someone’s eye!

Epel Felmier

How I would imagine you two meeting; You would have a meet-cute moment where you bump into each other while in the gardening section. “Ah, pardon me,” he would say and then noticed that you had a book on gardening. “I’d recommend this variety-” From there you would become friends and then a couple, it would be pretty seamless too. “Yer pretty sweet, ya know? I think we make a good pair.”

Even before you two even got together, you would bicker with each other playfully. Epel would just roll his eyes if you brought up the height difference. Only you get a free pass on that. In turn, he would also playfully tease you back.

Epel really appreciates that you’re down-to-earth and that you have a good head on your shoulders; that you’re loyal and considerate. But he also understands that you do struggle with motivation at times, and he’s there to cheer you on, to lift you up. “Darlin’, would you like some help there? It’s okay to fall off the horse, as long as you get back up.” But he doesn’t nag you about it.

He loves seeing your goofy side, and you can either have him cracking up so hard that he’s crying, or he gets sighs and shakes his head. He can match this energy though and send you some awful apple jokes. The victor is only declared when either you or him laughs.

He appreciates that you’re interested in wanting to start gardening, and can help you if you wanted him to; spending quality time covered in mud while planting seeds. Watching movies, and playing horror games are also common, and he won’t go easy on you either… he might be a tad of a sore loser… “You only beat me cuz you’re better at it,” it has no bite though. He also really likes your drawings and might replicate them in his apple carvings.

Epel keeps everything that you reveal to him confidential. You trusted him with that information, and he’ll take it with him to the grave. He’ll also talk things over with you, and take any advice that you give to heart.

He finds your dimples endearing and will tell you so. He holds a similar softness for your moles too. And the :3 smile, and he understands the RBF, so the :3 smile is even better when considering that.

“Hey, darlin’? You’re the only apple in my eye. Ugh, that was cheesy.”

I hope you enjoy your match-up, Lee! I also got the extra info you provided too and tried to add that in.

Epel would also learn how to braid, so if you wanted, he could braid your hair; but he wouldn't push it. He would also get you two matching rings, representing both of you they're apples. Hope you enjoy the Southern drawl!

[sansloii]

@soulsxng | send me a number

2. Drabbles

i love drabbles! i love them! i wish i still had the mental energy to shit those out whenever i wanted because it's always a nice little writing exercise to get a thought or a scene you can't get out of your head written down. even if you don't necessarily put it on tumblr, you can just... write it and save it somewhere to read again later ( if you don't absolutely hate your past writing, that is ).

similarly, i like reading drabbles from others too. i'm not going to say i read every single one that crosses my dash but like... i try to! sometimes i skim, read a second time to let it soak in, and then go "that was nice" before liking it and moving on. other times, i read it 6 times, like it, and appear in dms frothing at the mouth about it. it really depends on where my brain is at that day.

5. Dash commentary

again, this another "i wish i had the bandwidth for this" because i love dash commentary. it's always so silly and fun to participate in it and i can't say that i've ever had a bad experience with it. my dash doesn't move particularly fast either so now, i can usually keep up. however, being on the dash for too long is a bit draining so after maybe an hour or so, i kinda fizzle out and go off to do other things or watch youtube videos ehjfwsfs--

25. Your muse(s)

i feel like you sent this with the express purpose of getting me to gush about my muses and i will happily take the bait. they are my babies and i love them so very very much--mikah in particular, because i've had them the longest as far as the existence of this blog.

you cannot imagine the amount of times that i've thought that maybe mikah or the others are too edgy, maybe they're too rude, too mean, too unrealistic, or that i'm just... following some trend because i saw one morally questionable muse and fixated on that. maybe that's all correct. maybe it's not. i don't know.

however, i'm enjoying myself right now. i'm having fun and that is, by far, more important to me. mikah, penny, wynn, evan, dakota, and joseph are always in a constant state of development and i will add or take away things as i so choose. sometimes something i thought of 2017 for mikah isn't something i want to keep in 2023. sometimes an idea i had for dakota way back when doesn't really fit how i envision her now. both of those things are okay and it's okay for me to change those things if i feel like... it'll make me more comfortable and more secure in myself when it comes to writing my babies. i never want to be in a place where i don't feel like i can do my ocs justice, much less because i think i can't change anything about them. Better yet, because i've already said certain things about them that i look back on now and go "...no that's not right."

i guess what i'm trying to get at is... it's a process--a process i had to force myself to be okay with in some regard. mikah was not perfect when i made them and neither were the others...but that's fine. they're mine so i'm just gonna keep chucking them at the wall and seeing where they stick. if they just slide off and fall in some garbage fire, that's fine. i can just pick em back up and throw them again... with love

[xokohaneazusawa]

Warnings!! -> Spoilers for Kaiser's Backstory (Chapter 260), Loosely Translated from the leaks so not sure if it's 100% correct, mentions of bad parents and all types of abuse.<-

-> Imagine if Kaiser had a s/o who had gone through similar things to him when he was a kid. (Gonna have to call myself out on this one- love that for us) -> I feel like he'd prob be a lot nicer to that person before he even knew them super well if they had even mentioned having anything like his family, just because he knows how much it sucked and doesn't want anybody going through the same things as him -> But when you two actually started dating he always was kinda checking on you since the long term effects will always be there, and same for you checking on him -> Obviously you two didn't grow up in the exact same way, so there are still parts you'll most likely have to explain and talk about to each other, but he really does try to understand where your coming from -> Ass to everybody else except you. -> People have accidentally come across the two of you when Kaiser was being all nice and understanding and they legit thought that it wasn't actually Kaiser. -> Shit talking your dads (Or which every parent was the shitty one) together! -> If you were also talked badly from your parents you two do what my friends do and have a little like compliment circle (or really just back and forth) -> Therapy circles (again is it just my friends who do this??) where you two talk about stuff and most likely cry and little and just hold each other -> You both probably have something from your childhood that you held onto for this long and you both respect whatever it is, no matter how silly -> Probably switching a lot between who is little spoon or who is holding who, just really depends on what happened that day -> Most likely also having a decent relationship with Ness, again tractic backgrounds really bring people together out here, plus the fact your man is like his god (but that's besides the point) -> Overall though, he's much sweeter with you knowing that you had gone through something similar, of either having a alcoholic parent, parents leaving you, being just plain assholes with physiological abuse, physical abuse or anything along those lines, and he'll never judge you or do anything that your parents did, like for example, if you parents used to yell and fight all the time (like mine did <3) then whenever your around a sic where he might be upset with isagi or anything like that, he'll either wait until your not around, cover your ears, or have Ness take you somewhere else.

[taegularities]

Day 6

STUPID STUPID STUPID BOY

(seriously I love him so much they way he is little annoying but a fluff ball of suppressed emotions 🤧)

My favourite characters has to be yoongi and eun they are such Goldiess smooches for them 💋💋and yoongi's plaster 🙋🏻‍♀️ I wanna volenteer too lemme draw lot of cute yellow dick Minions.

I am just lovin it' they way you write how you put each and every character's perspective and analogue I didn't know I would love some details in ffs this much it was never that serious but the it's expression of radical optimism for me now

whenever you refers to oc's hair as "mane" I always imagine her hairs to start to glowing like Tinkerbell whenever she is at her confront or with jk like babe yeps that's right there some angle type a shit..... pet name is even more hypnotizing 🫠(I DON'T LIKE IT HOW YOU ARE MAKING me LIKE EVERYTHING THAT I DON'T LIKE) first stupid lover boy and now pet names I can't with you I hate you but I will always love you for this fluffiest brain wrecking agenda you have going on and now just to keep us in constant chokehold for

seriously though our boy needs a therepy I would say everyone needs in big letters THEREPY

Because this suspense is killing me (I DITCH MY FRIEND'S BASH JUST) to RUMBLE SHIT TO YOU FIRST BEFORE READING cmi-blue OFFFF feels like I love this sensitive side of him more kinda wanna see him crying more I'm mean he just gorgeous so why not 🤷🏻‍♀️

just aww moment for they way you make their whole confession thing in cmi-blurred I never thought I would enjoy so much someone's full on confession like yes babies talk it all out the satisfaction it's so hard to talk it out BUT THEY DID IT I'M SCREAMING THROWING UP ON THE SIDE

The whole time in my head jk in cmi-blurred was like @kookiechimm character's it's prefect fitting for that chapter through out the drive and confession time yeps that's tiny kook energy

FINALLY the boy is opening up I can finally killing myself but before that yes I will recreate those two paintings too lemme finish this whole thing and my toxic semester we are on journey to become the next beat up best Picasso baby 🫡 and I love you byeee take care and on my way to slap some people

- 🦴🔫

omg i know a few more days have passed butttt HAVE YOU READ ONNNN, HOW DID YOU LIKE IT LMAO and this is a fun review, too!!! 🥹 "a fluff ball of suppressed emotions" is sooo right :') i'm glad you love him as much as i do. and yoongi and eun, yesss, i adore them!! they'll become a bit more prominent soon, i think, but it's always nice when ppl praise eun especially, she's very important to me hehehe

i think i'm kind of a crazy optimist, so that fits well lol. it means a lot that you'd talk about my expressions like that.. i try my best, so it's always so cool when That Best is appreciated. oc issss an angel for real!! our very own tinkerbell.. i can't wait to show more sides of her bc she's all i wanna be. pet names are truly a hit or miss hahaha but i think they've become part of them and they can't go without them anymore 🥰

HE WILL CRY LOL he will cry a lot of times more, and so will oc 🤣 idk how far you've gotten, but there'll be plenty more tears ahead. thank you so so much for reading, enjoying and being so sweet about it 🥺 i will keep trying to wreck brains :D and looking forward to those paintings like are you kiddingggg!! ty and ilyyy <3

[kyrodo]

Honestly I kinda hate how random or nonsensical some of my thoughts while I'm alone are. I tend to think more clearly in the presence of other people because I become more self conscious about what I say and do, and in the event I'm wrong about something I get corrected immediately so it is nice to have that immediate feedback as well. So when I do long posts like this they are honest to a fault. Take the color post for example. Who other than me would actually give a f* what my logic is for my favorite colors? Pretty much no one. I still see blue orange black as an extremely satisfying solid color scheme to shape myself around identity wise but ultimately it is still a personal preference thing.

But I guess that's just one instance. My mind has an imagination when it comes to visualizing how I feel. When I feel dread, anger, sadness, love, or happiness or even any kind of physical sensation, I try to tie it down to images and words or even sounds and music. Love for example has a distinct sensation in the chest that is particularly tempting to describe with imagery like butterflies or more personal ideas like sweetness or boiling water. So I like to describe that feeling whenever I'm crushing on anyone for thoughtful reasons beyond just the natural urge to actually be able to express them to its subject.

In any case I sometimes feel the more I talk the worse things get for me and the more I start to lose whatever perceived audience I might have. Because what I say is too personal, or too direct, or too obscure, or things that are simply better left unspoken for one reason or another. For example I love the compliments I receive on my avatar. And who wouldn't really? The stars that glitter on my fur make it perfect for dance worlds and beyond that it is a cute avatar with some decent coloring that appeals to a lot of people. And I take pride in it even though I don't really get the same kind of attention a streamer or of literally anybody else had my avatar instead of me.

That is one thing I always pay attention to, my lack of attention. Even with one of the best looking avatars some people have seen by their own words, I didn't get much out of it beyond that. People still hardly ever like my videos or care, and nothing I do changes that. I get a like here and there once in a blue moon and that's it even if it looks really nice and sounds really nice. And that plays with my self esteem in ways that I would be better off not thinking about.

And that is the original reason I used to check my likes all the time. Why I used to practice drawing in the long forgotten past or make music. I wanted people to like and enjoy my work. I never got into art hardcore but my odds of doing so would've been better if there was enough support. And I never received it. So hobby after hobby ended up being discarded. Twitch too come to think of it.

A part of me wants to enjoy the glory of the limelight and a part of me wants to enjoy my privacy at the same time at certain times of day. It can be frustrating though how some of the best stuff I could show people never gets any attention no matter how good it is compared to some stuff other people post that always gets visibility. Even after my social journey on vrchat even, even after all the friends I've made on discord. My circle grows and I still end up invisible again and it's silly to care so much about that. But when I really think about it, such basic thoughts are ever present on any kind of social media. It's why people make memes. It's why people go through all this effort to be funny or meaningful in some way to get people to notice them. And the people who don't care about it have most likely grown to repress or hide it.

So maybe I do want "fans". Maybe I do want people that like my posts that actually put whatever work I have on display into consideration. But I try not to care because it always seems so impossibly hard to do so. My best posts usually get 0 views 0 likes besides my own views and it can sometimes be difficult not to think about it. Yet I know the kind of attention I want to have is not something I would be able to sustain for a prolonged period of time.

So I want my one-off posts that gain a lot of traction. Like the art I got from Hyrika. I wish I had maybe a few more posts like that where over time I just keep getting another like here and there and it's something pretty or something I'm proud of. And then maybe that'd be enough to scratch whatever itch that's causing me to doubt myself so much.

The past months since I met Choskey have hands down been the best experiences I've had for who knows how long now. It still amazes me how madly in love he is with me or how much I sexually excite him despite him being an ace, to the point he's questioning his own acehood. And I find that extremely hot in a way. And Red is growing a bit more adapted to Choskey always being there too. Choskey is extremely thirsty for me. xD In ways he didn't know he was capable of. I keep him constantly hard 24/7 just for existing. That is wild, and also very promising of a successful and happy relationship. It's hard not to be happy about that. And we're still instantly seen as a couple on vr like always except it's actually true this time. Should be old news but we haven't been on vr much for a good while. Mostly because Choskey's headset is dying and I'm experiencing problems with my headset too due to the cable. The way the linkbox precariously hangs down without anything to support it meant it was doomed to be this way since I got the headset without gluing it to the wall or a command strip like we started doing now. Would have prevented a lot of damage.

But finances have to recover before I can even think about getting a new one, and there's a backlog of other stuff we need.

[pepaldi]

Hello there! How have you been? Hope everything’s well.

Thanks for taking the time to both read and answer my huge asks, I’m really glad to see you’re okay with it

I have, like, three other things I wished to ask, but I want to go over your story first…

No need to apologize. Ah, College. Sometimes I wish I had had that experience. I do hope you are enjoying your time and learning a lot

Oh I am, thank you! I hope you get the chance to do something similar some day, it’s quite stressful, but it’s all worth it!

I think my experience was a bit like yours in the beginning. Maybe not the whole fantasy as you say but beginning. When Harold re entered my life I started reading about him a lot. Interviews and articles. As I got to "know" him I also felt that guilt. I do think that love was a rather mix of Harold/Egon to be honest.

It’s impressive how easy it is to transition from loving Egon to loving Harold, it’s almost automatic, and the more you read about him, the more you want to know, the cycle never ends! (funny, I use the same quotes when I say that I “know” him😁). And this guilt, in my opinion, is totally justifiable, I once thought: “Who do I think I am for even thinking that I know him? I don’t have the right to say that, I don’t have the right to love him this much, I never met him.” I don’t know if these were your thoughts too, but either way it makes me so happy to know that we went through similar things, it brings me a lot of comfort.

I think, this is just my thoughts but I do think Harold would smile at you and tell you it's ok. He would not hold it against you. The man knew what a charmer he was.

Wow, this is so nice to hear! And I believe you’re right, a man like him would never judge or belittle me for doing the only thing a person could do upon meeting him — falling in love (whether platonically or not), and getting painfully attached😅

And you would be absolutely right. He would accept you and help you if he was able to. He would support you in any way he could.

It’s so reassuring to hear this from someone other than myself! Thank you for this, really. Just yesterday (May 9) I had a presentation in class and the second I started to feel nervous, I imagined Harold sitting there, smiling, encouraging me. I like to think he would follow me wherever I’d go and always hold my hand whenever I’d feel overwhelmed, and this thought always makes me smile and feel better, it’s amazing. It’s kinda like that for you too, isn’t it?

So now I feel very simillar as you. Even though I can gush over him being or rather that he was handsome, charming and swoon over him it is a more platonic. Love and admiration for the way he was. His personality, the way he took things as they came, they way he mentored and supported those around him, his love for family, friends and fans, him treating everyone as equals, quick mind and well, the whole package that was Harold Ramis.

It's great that we can do both! We can gush and swoon over Egon (or any of his other roles from the 80s) and also see him as a comfort figure, someone that is like a mentor, a friend, a person that inspires us to be better, to face life and see things in a different light. I used to compare myself to him in a very negative way, thinking how we were so different and how he was so much better than I’d ever be, I wanted to be like him, the whole amazing package that he was, but I felt so inferior… The more I loved Harold, the more I hated myself. It took me a while (and some therapy) to change this mindset, but I think I’m in a better, healthier place now when it comes to Harold.

As for the effect on other areas of my life? Hmm. Well, I have "met" and talked to other fans. I am creating some photo stuff. Quality varies but Harold would be happy to be an inspiration to people. I have written some Egon FF. (Cringe.) Bought some stuff. Got my tattoos.

Oh absolutely he would! He knew he inspired people all over the world, there’s no doubt he would love your work! And hey, same! I’ve written some Egon stuff too, for myself, for fun, and there’s nothing cringe about it! We are creative beings, just like Harold was!

And I’ll be honest: I think it’s so cool and so amazing that you have those tattoos, I’m almost jealous 🤩

I have had moments when I wish I knew what he would say to me. Mostly positive .. although .. ... There was a time my hubby got tired of me pointing out Harold facts or connections all over. Poor guy but honestly my husband is the most supportive man and I am blessed to have him.

He always had something positive to say, didn’t he? For me, it’s my mom, she’s the one who listens to me ramble about Harold sometimes, she likes it, but I think she gets tired sometimes too… And I agree, from what you’ve posted about your husband, it sounds like he’s the best! You deserve this blessing, I’m happy for you (and still hoping I’ll find mine)

Not sure if that was what you meant with you question.

Yes, absolutely! I asked because I know that everything, no matter how great it seems, has a negative side, but as long as we find balance, we can endure the bad and enjoy the good. I’m both satisfied and thankful for your honest answers, once again, sharing with you and learning from you puts a smile on my face.

Before I ask even more questions, let me just say that if you ever want to ask me something, anything, I’ll be more than happy to answer (and I hope it doesn’t bother you that I’m still on anon, I’m not quite ready to leave anonimity yet, but I’ll get there). So, here goes:

I remember you once said you weren’t able to read Violet’s book all the way through the end, but that was like, a year ago, so I was wondering, did you finish reading it? Either way, I’d love to hear your thoughts about it!

I mentioned that I imagine Harold with me whenever I feel bad, anxious, overwhelmed, this is my way of feeling comforted by him. Your way, from what I’ve seen, is talking to him. Do you remember the first time you talked to him? If yes, was it spontaneous or was it planned?

And lastly, are there any songs that remind you of Harold?

Oof, guess that’s it, enough ramble for one day! Hope to hear from you again soon, thanks again for your attention, and for being the coolest Ramis girl! 💗

-🦊

Hello there! How have you been? Hope everything’s well.

Hey, hey.

Last few days could have been better but eh, life is what it is. Hope things are well with you.

Thanks for taking the time to both read and answer my huge asks, I’m really glad to see you’re okay with it

De nada. I am a pretty open person and I do enjoy your asks.

It’s impressive how easy it is to transition from loving Egon to loving Harold, it’s almost automatic, and the more you read about him, the more you want to know, the cycle never ends! (funny, I use the same quotes when I say that I “know” him😁). And this guilt, in my opinion, is totally justifiable, I once thought: “Who do I think I am for even thinking that I know him? I don’t have the right to say that, I don’t have the right to love him this much, I never met him.” I don’t know if these were your thoughts too, but either way it makes me so happy to know that we went through similar things, it brings me a lot of comfort.

While there are differences between them they are both endearing and easy to love. In a way we do know him. Through his own words, actions and the words of those who knew him for real. Of course his family and friends knew him better but we do know him. In a way. You have absolutely the right to love him. There are different kinds of love and Harold had so much of that in him for so many it is no wonder that so many love(d)s him back. Aww, glad it can bring you comfort.

(And you would be absolutely right. He would accept you and help you if he was able to. He would support you in any way he could.)

It’s so reassuring to hear this from someone other than myself! Thank you for this, really. Just yesterday (May 9) I had a presentation in class and the second I started to feel nervous, I imagined Harold sitting there, smiling, encouraging me. I like to think he would follow me wherever I’d go and always hold my hand whenever I’d feel overwhelmed, and this thought always makes me smile and feel better, it’s amazing. It’s kinda like that for you too, isn’t it?

Oh, that means you sent this around the 10th .. no, 11th possibly. Anyway, I appologize for the wait .. again. That is such a sweet story. Really sweet. Presentations in class, hated those. Yeah, I like to think he is around when I need to talk or vent a bit to him. Or when i have a dark moment while being alone.

It's great that we can do both! We can gush and swoon over Egon (or any of his other roles from the 80s) and also see him as a comfort figure, someone that is like a mentor, a friend, a person that inspires us to be better, to face life and see things in a different light. I used to compare myself to him in a very negative way, thinking how we were so different and how he was so much better than I’d ever be, I wanted to be like him, the whole amazing package that he was, but I felt so inferior… The more I loved Harold, the more I hated myself. It took me a while (and some therapy) to change this mindset, but I think I’m in a better, healthier place now when it comes to Harold.

Absolutely! I like to think of him as an invisible friend.

I think we all do that in some way. Compare ourselves to those we admire. I get wanting to be like him in some ways. I wish I was as smart and laid back as he was. The way he learned new things and skills so easily. Seems like it anyways. Though having said that it, like you experienced, can go the other way too. Harold was human and had flaws like us all. He would probably point out other people who you should admire instead. I mean, I do not know but maybe.

Oh absolutely he would! He knew he inspired people all over the world, there’s no doubt he would love your work! And hey, same! I’ve written some Egon stuff too, for myself, for fun, and there’s nothing cringe about it! We are creative beings, just like Harold was!

Oh, honey. (Hope you do not mind. Tend to call people that or Sweetie at times.) That .. Harold .. ah, he might enjoy the photos I do but the FF's. Hmm, well he did have a varped mind (humour) at times so maybe. Yes. Being creative is a wonderful thing.

And I’ll be honest: I think it’s so cool and so amazing that you have those tattoos, I’m almost jealous 🤩

One of them is like a little comfort piece. Eh, probably both. If you can stand the pain and have the money go for it! It can get addicitve though. Really addictive.

My hubby is indeed the best. Loves me and all my quirks. And I love him right back. I hope you find the one that is meant for you one day.

Yes, absolutely! I asked because I know that everything, no matter how great it seems, has a negative side, but as long as we find balance, we can endure the bad and enjoy the good. I’m both satisfied and thankful for your honest answers, once again, sharing with you and learning from you puts a smile on my face.

Very, very wise words there.

Aww, so sweet. I always enjoy putting a smile on a face.

Before I ask even more questions, let me just say that if you ever want to ask me something, anything, I’ll be more than happy to answer (and I hope it doesn’t bother you that I’m still on anon, I’m not quite ready to leave anonimity yet, but I’ll get there). So, here goes:

I remember you once said you weren’t able to read Violet’s book all the way through the end, but that was like, a year ago, so I was wondering, did you finish reading it? Either way, I’d love to hear your thoughts about it!

I do have one Q for you or two, depending on how you count.. If you could meet Harold during any part of his life when would you want to meet him? And why?

Violet's book. I still have not finished it. I still have other books I have never gotten around to cause I am too darn sensitive. I do love Violet sharing the stories and photos but the over thinker in me wants to know certain things that comes up when i have read snippets. None of my business but the brain eh, does not listen. And there are photos I wished she had share but might be reasons for that. I do feel, that the cat story could have been avoided. I did not need to know that one. And, though it might be hard I admit I would like to know more about his last four years.

I mentioned that I imagine Harold with me whenever I feel bad, anxious, overwhelmed, this is my way of feeling comforted by him. Your way, from what I’ve seen, is talking to him. Do you remember the first time you talked to him? If yes, was it spontaneous or was it planned?

Hmm, I do not remember but ... I think this was the first time I talked to him. You probably read it already.

And lastly, are there any songs that remind you of Harold?

I have .. ehm, not really. Songs that would be nice for a video yes but, hmm.. Oh, my memory suuucks. I mean there have been choruses but then the rest of the text do not add up.

Oof, guess that’s it, enough ramble for one day! Hope to hear from you again soon, thanks again for your attention, and for being the coolest Ramis girl! 💗

-🦊

Hehe, always a pleasure.

I hope this gets posted correctly cause something happened when I saved what I had answered so it wouldn't be lost and big part of it got messed up.

Best Always.

~Karin~

[wildernessuntothemselves]

rant part 2 (??)

"But if I was gonna shift biases it would be to Taehyun not yeonjun. I'm sad to say but i'm not a fan of what they're done to his face. It was too excessive to the point that whenever I see him I just notice his nose/eyes etc." - mort

Yeah... I agree that Yeonjun's face is looking a little too done, and it has been for a while. If you look at debut jun and then current jun, the difference is very obvious. It's just that with the latest adjustments he is looking like a drawing I would make. Not natural at all, sure. But it gives my brain the illusion (yes, i am conscious of it being a illusion) that he is the closest I can get of my imagination becoming reality, almost in a "dream come true" type of way if you want it to sound a little more poetic lol. That being said, If I had to choose, I would still go back to puma jun or blue hour jun.

"Also, another reference to anon, i'm a bit shocked that Yeonjun's the pick for the bias switch? I find that yeonjun stans and beomgyu stans are so different i never see people switching between them, soobin/taehyuns usually the popular 2nd pick 😂" - anon

So... that's how it works in my brain:

A bias to me is just the member I gravitate towards the most. No real attachment, cause I am very well aware that those are just interesting strangers. I could never see myself actually fomenting romantic delusions about an idol, or feeling betrayed because they did something unexpected. It's just the one that always catch my eyes, or the one with the humor that hits the most for me, or the one whose opinions i see myself agreeing with the most often, and sometimes that is purely based on talent (like a singing voice that makes me transcend). They kinda become my point of reference inside that group, like my personal pick of a center or face of the group. Simple like that.

In TXT I tend to gravitate mostly towards beomgyu because of pretty much all of those reasons together lol, but what pulled me in was that his persona (as we only know the parts of him he chose to display publicly, and not his personality as a whole) and what he let out of his world view felt very familiar to me, it automatically felt like something i already knew, like an echo of something i already heard. It took me a while to realize that this familiarity was identification, and with time the similarities between us are starting to make me a little unconfy. Seeing your own flaws in others can be a little jarring sometimes. Mix that little unconfy feeling to the not so welcomed shift in his looks throughout this past year, and suddenly i am second-guessing my choice of bias.

I don't think I would ever bias Taehyun cause everytime I see him smile the first thing that comes to my mind is my brother smiling lol. So I do have a soft spot for him, but in the most wholesome little brother type of way, not in a bias type of way. As for Soobin... something tells me that if we knew each other irl he would straight up despise me 💀 so, no. Oh, and the thing with yeonjun is not only about liking his looks, I genuinely admire his talents and his persona seems quite nice. In fact I could see yeonjun fitting in with any of my friend groups easily.

(you can clearly see that synthesis is not one of my strengths 💀💀 I am so sorry for making you read all this. not even i knew i had that many thoughts on the topic. I tend to sound like i care way more than i actually do 😭)

~♡anon

yeah i get it. i mean i like karina's looks because she looks CG but ofc it helps that their concept is ai so it fits.

yeah i definitely get your reason for picking a bias. i think a lot of non-delusional people are like that. i for sure have a crush on some of my biases (otherwise looks wouldn't be a factor) but i agree with your reasons and i have no delusions about getting to date them or feeling possessive over them. i would feel upset though if one of my biases turned out to be a bad person, not because i think i know them but because it's just shitty to love and support someone who turns out to be a bad person

what flaws do you see in gyu that make you uncomfortable? and why do you think soobin wouldn't like you? 😂

lmao it's okay i don't have a lot of people to do these rants with so it's nice to share