#it doesn’t matter and it never will on any level that is important to our lives and futures

[romanoffsdarling]

Later Never Comes

Pairing: CEO!Silver-Fox!Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader

Summary: Your love for her knew no bounds, but there’s only so long you can hold on— only so many empty promises you can stand— before you finally have to let go. Before you finally realize that later may never become real.

Word Count: 4,779

Warnings: G!P Wanda, legal age gap, brief oral (R receiving), dirty (and slightly possessive) talk, mommy kink, slightly rough sex, neglect, and angst (with a bittersweet ending). 18+, Minors DNI.

Author’s Note: I know I promised a second part to Summertime Sadness and Time To Say (Goodbye), but I couldn’t get this idea out of my head. I hope you can forgive me!

Great love always ends in tragedy.

That’s the saying, right? A stupid one if you had anything to say about it. What’s so great about love if it only ends in heartbreak? If you don’t end up with the person that makes your entire being thrum? If everything that had once been so colorful is suddenly black-and-white due to their absence?

Is the love great due to the story? To the emotions, the events, that occur throughout its long winded saga? Or is it great because it was doomed from the start? Because, even though it’d end one way, two people were still willing to fight the odds, to fight fate, even if they’d never end up winning.

You’re not sure, nor do you care, because there’s no way a love of that kind could be anything except terrible— except bone-chillingly agonizing in the way you’d have to figure out how to move on without it. Figure out how to be without the person that made everything make sense, that made you feel like the person you were always meant to be.

Even if it’s been years since you’ve seen her, years since you’ve felt her lips against yours, an elegantly lithe body pressed to your own, and the sweet scent of sandalwood and lavender mixed perfectly in your nose, you haven’t been able to figure that out. Haven’t been able to get her out of your system, no matter how much you may try.

How could you? When you’ve loved, and been loved by, Wanda Maximoff?

[Past]

“I’m just saying she’s been interested to meet you since she saw our group picture from Fiji.” Your best friend, Agatha, relayed, jovially leading you towards the small, yet upscale, café that Wanda Maximoff— CEO of Scarlet Entertainment— agreed to meet you. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, sweetie. Especially one that came about due to my own propensity to lose bets with that witch.”

Your brow furrows. “I’m just not sure what exactly this meeting is supposed to be about. I just graduated college, I barely have any experience under my belt.”

“But you have me as a mentor,” she rebukes, a small smirk on her lips. “And that’s all that you need to get into Wanda’s head.”

“Ah, yes.” You roll your eyes, amusement welling within your chest. “How could I forget about your age-old rivalry?”

“Don’t phrase it like that. Makes me sound old.” Agatha bumps her shoulder against yours, eyes narrowed.

“And mentor doesn’t?”

“Nope.” She pops the ‘p’. “That makes me sound wise.”

“And what does wisdom come from again?”

You’re just able to dodge the swat directed at your arm, a bright smile tugging your lips upward, as you finally enter the quaint café— the aromatic smell of coffee, a hint of cinnamon, and something slightly citrusy, hits you all at once. A combination that shouldn’t have worked as well it did.

Once you placed your order— a simple coffee with your usual additions— you turned back to Agatha with an expectant expression. “Anything I should know about this meetings, Ags?”

She shakes her head, tendrils of brown hair escaping the haphazard bun she had thrown them in. “You’re here.” Agatha hands you the drink the barista had just put beside you, a wane smile on her lips. “That’s the important part to achieve for any date.”

Your steps stutter, nearly causing you to trip into a nearby table. “W-What?” Widened eyes meet Agatha’s unaffected one, a certain level of calmness that you found irritating. “What do you mean date? I thought this was a meeting?”

Agatha waves her hand. “Lunch meeting, lunch date. Means the same thing in the end.” She shoulders her purse, clearly not planning on staying any longer than she has to. “You’ll be fine, Y/N. You’re a catch. Maximoff would have to be a bigger idiot than I think she already is if she lets you go.”

Before you’re able to respond, Agatha places a chaste kiss to your cheek, offers one last cheeky wink, and saunters her way out of the café, leaving you completely alone. You’re honestly tempted to just abandon ship and get out of dodge— you weren’t good on dates, let alone blind dates. Something your best friend is well aware of, and would definitely be getting in an earful about this later.

However, before you’re able to make a concrete decision on your exit strategy, a husky voice speaks up from behind you.

“Are you Y/N?”

The most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen stood in front of you when you turned around: long auburn hair, speckled with the beginning signs of gray, paired perfectly with the sharp emerald green of her gaze. An elegantly lithe body, encased in a form-fitting suit, tailored made to enhance every perfect curve, relaxed in a way that almost seemed arrogant— if it was for the confidence that exudes from her very being.

“Yes.” Your brain finally catches up with you, remembering the question she had asked. “Y/N.” You hold out your hand for her to shake. “Y/N L/N, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

A small smile catches full lips, a slender hand grasping your own in a firm shake. “Wanda Maximoff.” Green eyes trail down your body. “And, trust me, the pleasure is all mine.”

The months that followed the blind date went by in a blur. You could honestly say that you’ve never met anyone else like Wanda Maximoff— a woman that personified ice and fire. Watching her work— whether it be as you’re lounged on her large leather sectional, laptop balanced on her lap as slender fingers gently stroke your back, or she’s pacing back and forth with her phone pressed to her ear; voice dripping with barely concealed annoyance, underlined by a calm collectiveness that never failed to make you swoon— was an art form in itself, but being able to see the woman that appeared at the end of the day?

Where an icy facade of professionalism melts into warm smile and gentle eyes. Sharp words being replaced by sweet nothings and gentle humming.

In Wanda’s arms you’ve found a place you never even knew you were missing— home. You had a couple relationships in the past, but none of them made you feel the way Wanda does; all paling in comparison to the beautiful Sokovian.

The one thing you hadn’t expected upon beginning to date the older woman was how insatiable she was— not that you were complaining— but Wanda needed to have you as often as she could. Taking you the bedroom of your apartment, the various rooms in her penthouse, in her office within Scarlet Entertainment, hell even in the back of a limo on the way to an event. Wanda needed to have you and you needed to have her right back.

Another little thing you’ve learned about her? Or, you should say, not so little? The Sokovian sported an extra appendage that had quickly become your new best friend— not that you were going to tell Agatha that— who seemed to want you as much as Wanda did.

Which is how you found yourself where you are now— on your back, thighs clamped around Wanda’s head, as she thoroughly ate you out on the couch of her office.

“Yes.” You arch sharply, a sob being torn from your throat as Wanda’s tongue plunges even deeper into you. Your girlfriend hums happily at the sound, the vibrations sending a shockwave across your clit, and another wave of wetness gushes out of you— something that Wanda is all too happy to lap up. She had told you on more than one occasion, after she spent hours upon hours between your thighs, that you beat out even the finest of wines to her. “Please. I need you.”

With clear reluctance to leave, Wanda pulls back and easily settles on top of you. Lips and chin shining lewdly in the dim lighting of her office, darkened emerald eyes sparkling even brighter.

“You taste great, detka.” She lowers her head, offering her tongue for you to suck on. Giving you a taste of yourself, mixed intoxicatingly with her own natural one. “Could spend hours eating up your perfect pussy, but that’s not what you want, huh?” She jerks her hips, rubbing her cock against your wetness. “You want mommy to be inside you, right? Want her to stretch you out and make you scream?” Another roll of her hips causes you to arch, a breathless gasp leaving you, but Wanda doesn’t relent. “Answer me, detka. Be my good girl and I’ll give you what you crave. What do you want mommy to do?”

“Fuck me.” The cry is practically wrenched from your chest, a deep felt plea for her to just plunge into you and ruin you for anyone else. Not that she hasn’t been able to accomplish that already. “I want you to slam your cock into my pussy and make me yours, mommy. I want your cock to make my pussy its own, to shape me in its image.”

A deep, almost rumbling, snarl erupts from Wanda in response, her hips snapping forward and you’re finally filled; stretched out so fucking perfectly, an obscene slurp echoed across the room the moment Wanda’s hips met your own. She hadn’t made you cum with her mouth, but you had been so close, she had given you a mini orgasm just by entering— a feat that brings a smug smile to Wanda’s lips.

“You feel that, detka.” She takes your hand and brings it down to the slight bulge in your lower abdomen. “That’s my cock ruining you for anyone else. No one will ever be able to fill you the way I do, make you scream yourself hoarse.” Wanda snaps her hips forward after a shallow pull-back, giving out a satisfied hum at the feeling of your slick walls pressed around her. “Your pussy belongs to me, your pleasure belongs to me, and you belong to me.”

Wanda lowers her head, lips pressed firmly to your own, giving you even more of a taste of yourself than before, as her tongue practically fucks your mouth while her cock fucks your pussy. When she detaches her lips from yours, only a thin trail of saliva is left, before she’s far enough away for it to snap.

The sound of flesh slapping against flesh permeates the air, an occasional grunt or moan intercepting it, and you’d be concerned about the noise level if Wanda hadn’t sent Peter, her assistant, home early— having planned to have you like this from the very moment she had invited you over.

“Just like that, mommy. Keep fucking me like that,” you babble, drunk on pleasure as Wanda kept driving her hips forward, one slender finger roughly rubbing your clit in time with each thrust. It’s of no surprise that you find your release quickly after, gushing over Wanda’s cock.

The tight contractions around her cock— as your second orgasm was much more powerful than your first— causes Wanda to groan, hips stuttering in their brutal pace. It’s clear that she was close, sweat slicked brow, causing strands of silver hair to cling to fair skin, but she obviously wanted you to come one last time— to be tossed over the edge with her.

With a shake breath, Wanda roughly brings you to the brink of your third orgasm, not even giving you time to fully get through the second. “One more, detka. You’ve got one more in you for mommy.” She dips her head, lips tenderly brushing across your forehead. “And when you come around mommy’s cock, I’m gonna fill you up like the good girl you are. Would you like that?”

You nod, practically whining. “Yes. Please.”

The older woman snarls once more, clearly affected by the look on your face, and, before you’re even aware of it, you’re crashing over the edge again— a cry of Wanda’s name passing over your lips as you spasm around her. Barely being able to catch Wanda’s own groan in response: “Yes.”

Jets of her cum paint your inner walls white, warming you up. It’s a feeling you don’t think you’ll ever get used to— or want to get used to, if you’re being honest.

Once she’s spent, Wanda gently lowers herself onto your still slightly spasming body, lips pressed softly against your cheek. “You did so good. So perfect for me. My beautiful girl.”

You happily nuzzle into Wanda’s neck, eyes drooping out of contented exhaustion. “I love you.”

You’re too out of it to feel Wanda stiffen in surprise, or to really understand what you had just whispered, but you are aware of Wanda’s arms tightening around you, her lips pressing more firmly against your skin, as she cuddles you closer to her.

And, as you begin to drift off completely, happy in Wanda’s arms, you faintly feel Wanda exhale across the shell of your ear, a shaky breath, uncharacteristic for the older woman, before her soft voice breaks through the silence: “I love you too. More than I ever thought I’d love anyone.”

[A Few Months Later…]

“How many do you want?”

It’s asked softly, one of Wanda’s hand gently running up-and-down your back in a soothing motion. Her lips pressed against the crown of your head, your face nuzzled against the crook of her neck, a place you don’t feel like leaving anytime soon.

“How many what?” You snuggle closer, delighted in the way her arms tighten instinctively. “I want a lot of things, Wands.”

Wanda huffs out a light chuckle. “Children, Y/N. How many children do you want?”

You stiffen in surprise at the question— Wanda hadn’t made it a secret that she didn’t plan on having kids. That she didn’t think she’d make a good mother due to her childhood and her busy lifestyle, but you also know that your girlfriend wouldn’t ask something unless she’s serious about the answer. Something you’ve figured out after all these months together. Regrettably, you pull your face away from the warm nest it had made so you’re able to look at her, and Wanda met your eyes calmly, sharp green softened in a way that’s only ever meant for you.

“What’s this about, Wanda?” You roll your lips, trying to process your next words carefully. “I thought you didn’t want kids?”

Emerald eyes flash warmly. “I didn’t want a lot of things, Y/N.” She easily tugs you back into her arms, lips pressed to your forehead. “But that was all before I met you.”

Touched by her words— and the clear sincerity within them— you decide to just bite the bullet, there wasn’t a point in delaying your answer. Especially if Wanda expected it.

“Two.” A gentle kiss is placed to her collarbone. “I want two boys. Twins.”

She breathes out another chuckle. “Twins, huh?” Maneuvering you both, you’re suddenly pressed against the mattress, Wanda hovering over you, smile still in place, with a familiar hardness nestled between your thighs. “That seems like something we’d have to get just right, correct?”

Even though it’s posed as question, you can tell that Wanda meant it rhetorically. That she already knew the answered you’d both settle on— an answer you always agreed upon.

Wiggling your hips, grinning mischievously at the sharp gasp that leaves Wanda’s lips at the added pressure, you throw your arms loosely around her neck.

“Yes.” You pull her closer, lips millimeters from her own. “I think it’s something we’re going to have practice quite a bit.”

Not needing any more prompting Wanda descends onto you with a ravenous hunger. One that you’re all too happy to match.

You can’t wait to experience your future if this is what’ll be waiting for you there.

The phone is cold against your overheated flesh— a concoction of anger and disappointment courses through you like lava.

“Wanda—” You pinch the bridge of your nose to stem the tide of anger. “This is the eighth time this week alone. What the hell am I supposed to tell the caterers? Again.”

A soft sigh resounds through the speaker. “Just tell them that I won’t be able to make it, Y/N.” The response, in a clearly distracted tone, does little to ease your growing ire. “I know you’ll be able to handle it.”

“I don’t want to handle it, Wanda. This is our wedding, I’d like for you to also have a say in it.” From the time on the clock, you didn’t have much time left to leave the penthouse. Not if you wanted to get to the appointment on time. “I’ve been planning this entire thing by myself, I want your help. I want to hear your opinions. I want you.”

To care goes without words, but you’re certain it rings out just the same. You had been so happy when Wanda had suddenly proposed, seemingly out of the blue. Though wasn’t that the point? Taking you to a rooftop restaurant, which she had rented out, and offered you the rare chance of getting to taste her impeccable cooking; all dishes she had learned from her mother back in Sokovia. It had been a night you’d forever cherish, memories forever ingrained in your heart: the way the stars made the green in Wanda’s eyes sparkle more, the subtle wind allowing you to be surrounded by her comforting scent, the bright smile she had given you when she dropped down to one knee, and the happy laugh that had escaped her when you said yes. It had been a fairytale, everything you had ever wanted.

Until you realized your Disney fairytale was beginning to turn into Brothers Grimm.

“You have me, Y/N.” Wanda lets out another sigh. “Look, I can’t keep talking the investors for the meeting just arrived and I need to get prepared. I promise that I’ll go over everything you discuss later, okay? I love you.”

“Wanda—”

You’re only met with the sound of the dial tone, barely getting the chance to reply before being hung up on, and the familiar aching sense of silence that follows— a hollow sound that distantly reminded you of what your heart has become.

It hadn’t always been like this. The penthouse, upon your first visit, had been cold, lifeless in a way that seemed almost inhuman, but slowly it had livened up— been filled with a sense of warmth and peace. Of love. It had been a place you could go to when you just needed an escape from the rest of the world, when you needed to be surrounded by things that remind you of the woman you love.

Now it’s suffocating in a way that you never wished for it to be.

You’re aware that Wanda is a busy woman— had been aware of it before your first date occurred— but she had always at least tried to be there. Always left you feeling like you were at least on the list of things that mattered, you didn’t necessarily need to be at the direct top; not when she had so many things to content with already. But, you’ve felt like nothing more than an afterthought lately.

Gentle kisses in the morning turned to brief parting words as she made her way quickly out the door.

Soft smiles, and inside jokes, turned to barely there quirks of full lips, and stretched out silences.

The warmth of her hold, the safety you felt from her touch, turned to an icy chill as she left you to the cold air— you don’t even remember when the last time was that you had been together properly. Since you had woken up in her arms.

You didn’t need a lot, you didn’t need all of her time, but you wanted to feel like you still mattered— that everything you have isn’t just another thing Wanda had marked off on her checklist of things to do before she turns 55.

Checking the time, a small curse leaves your lips once you realize that you’re going to be late, and, with one final glance towards the empty penthouse, you make your way out the door— hoping that the growing chill you feel isn’t indicative of a love grown cold.

Silence had become your greatest friend in the weeks that followed. The one thing that you’ve grown to count on as Wanda’s schedule only seemed to get busier and busier— hell, your relationship with her personal assistant had grown to the point that he’s been calling you by your first name now. Instead of the usually nervous ma’am or Ms. L/N.

Wedding appointments had come and gone, all of them spent alone, with Wanda barely perusing the choices that had been made before crashing out of sheer exhaustion. Conversation had grown stilted due to her own growing ire at you consistent worry— although she labeled it as nagging. That she’s been running her business for over thirty years, and she’s been doing fine.

Even now, on New Years Eve, as the clock moved ever closer to midnight, you were completely alone— expansive shadows, that seemed darker somehow, stretched out towards you like ghastly fingers, trying to tear whatever semblance of comfort you’ve found away. You’re not sure what you had been expecting, not even sure if you’d truly believed that Wanda would show herself, but you can’t lie and say that you hadn’t hoped.

Hoped that today, of all days, would be different. That you wouldn’t feel like a stranger, an intruder, within your own life, within your own home.

Fanciful musings and hopes of a lovestruck fool.

The small chirp of an incoming message pulls you from your reverie, a bright smile appearing instantly at the sight of who it’s from, before withering away once you read it: Sorry, I won’t be able to make it home tonight. Going to the Hamptons to meet some new business partners. I promise I’ll make it up to you later. I love you.

You don’t bother to send a message back— what could you possibly say? Yet another promise had been thrown to the wayside by the older woman. Even if it was just a cursory, and unspoken, one being as simple as not leaving your fiancé alone on New Years. Or waiting until the last minute to actually say anything about it.

A soft sigh escapes your lips, an acidic twang settling over your tongue, as bitterness seeps into your bloodstream, poisoning your heart and soul. You knew what you needed to do, have known since this had become your new normal, but hadn’t had the strength, or the courage, to make it a reality. Until now.

Until the heartbreak, the suffering, has become as close of a friend to you as the oppressive silence.

And, as the door to the penthouse gently closed behind you, never to be opened by your hand again, you feel a sense of bone-deep sorrow settle over you. For everything that could have been, for what you had hoped for, and all that you now had to live without. You could just step back inside, hide or destroy the letter, and Wanda would never know. She’d never find out how close you had been to giving up, but you couldn’t find the strength to do so. Could no longer gather up the power to keep fighting for something that’s been lost long ago— no matter how much your heart screams at it not being true.

Tears gather in your eyes as you take another step away from the door, away from the place you’ve lived in for the last two years, and your heart breaks with every step. But, it breaks even more at the knowledge that you were leaving your true home behind too— that doing this would destroy everything you have with Wanda, never to be salvaged. The penthouse may be expensive, and it may be beautiful, but it’d never be home to you like Wanda; it’d never offer you the same feeling of protection like her arms did.

You’ve been shut out of your home for months now, and being left out in the cold has finally frozen your heart enough for you to be able to do this. No matter how much more it was going to hurt once it thaws once more.

Shouldering your duffel bag, the only thing you’ve allowed yourself to bring, you step into the private elevator and press the button for the lobby. Hands tightening around the strap of the bag, trying to ignore the way your ring finger no longer felt the familiar press of metal against it as you do so.

It was time to look forward, to finally make your own laters, the things you had been pushing off, become an actuality.

Even if you wanted nothing more than to have never needed to say goodbye to Wanda Maximoff in the first place.

Losing the ring was one thing, but losing the love of your life?

It’s a wound you’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to recover from.

[Present]

“Mom?” The small voice catches your attention, your eyes focused back in to see bright eyes, twin grins being sported between the pair. “Can we still get hot chocolate?”

Billy and Tommy had come into your life when you needed them to most— a blessing that you’d definitely been searching for after everything imploded with Wanda. And, even if how they were conceived didn’t lend itself to a happy tale, you’d never change a thing. They were your twin miracles. Your beautiful baby boys— even if they were eight years old now.

“I thought you decided to get caramel popcorn instead?” You poke Billy’s side gently, delighted in the giggle the actions caused. “That’s what you both told me at the theater.”

Tommy’s eyes widened dramatically, in full puppy-dog mode. “But that was before you took us past our favorite store.” He points to the small café only a few feet away— one that you frequented with the twins when you could find the time. A place that you hadn’t even realized you’d be leading them towards. “Can we please get hot chocolate.”

The twins chime in unison: “Please.”

You chance a glance towards the café— deliberating your options— but you know that you’re going to cave. After all, the reason you had gone to the movies was to celebrate their stellar report cards. What harm could some extra hot chocolate do?

So, with a faux long-suffering sigh, you relent. “I suppose.”

“Yes!” Twin cheers are your immediate response, brightening the smile on your lips, and you soon find yourself in the quaint café— one that held so many memories for you. Phantoms of your past the whispered in your ear as you placed your order and directed your boys to their usual spot.

Only half-listening to their chatter about the movie you had just seen— some superhero film— you simply bask in the simplicity their joy brought you. Observing their small faces light up, little hands waving around as they discussed various points, and your heart swells with more love than you ever thought you could feel.

“—What did you think, mom?”

Billy’s sudden question tears you from your musings, his widened eyes, alight with excitement, giving you the impression that he really wanted to hear what you thought.

“About the movie?” They both nod. “I thought it was good, bug.”

Tommy pouts. “Yeah, but what did you like most about it? Did you have a favorite scene?”

“I—”

“Order for Y/N.”

Saved by the bell, you think. A wave of relief crashing over you. “You two stay put.” Standing, you ruffle their hair. “I’ll be right back with our drinks.”

At the prospect of their hot chocolate they don’t seem to mind that you didn’t answer their question— though you’d certain Tommy would ask you again. Though you’d have more than enough time to google some things about the movie before then. Small miracles.

Stopping at the counter, you take the tray with the drinks with a smile and a nod in greeting to the server you’ve grown quite fond of.

“Y/N?”

Breath catching in your throat at the husky voice sounding out behind you, the cadence and tone so familiar that your heart still burns from it. Hesitating only slightly, you turn and meet the shimmering emerald eyes you haven’t seen in a little over eight years. Her face still as beautiful as you’d last seen it, if a bit older now.

“Wanda.”

[brainbuffering]

An argument that regularly occurs within the discussion of accessibility in cinema, is that creators should not have limitations put upon them. If their creative vision requires Strobe effects to be used, then they should be used regardless of any adverse effects they may have on the viewer. 

Others before me have spoken about how the health and wellbeing of your audience should be more important than any artistic vision. However, I think something that is never noted is that creatives are already placed with strict limitations in the form of age certificate guidelines, and other broadcasting standards. 

Now, fair warning. I am going to use a lot of uncensored profanity here. If you are offended by slang terms that refer to the act of sex, genitalia, a person's moral/social standing, or any form of bodily fluid then you may wish to step away. 

"Cunt. Cunt cunt cunt cunt. Cuntity-cunt-cunt! I'll say it again you shit faced bastards! What is up with all these mother fucking cunts, on this mother fucking cunt ass plane?" is a phrase that beloved merc-with-a-mouth Deadpool is not allowed to say. The rating of the series doesn't matter. The nature of the character doesn't matter. The fact that, objectively, nothing of true offence to any individual beyond the realm of fiction has been said; doesn't matter. The words used are deemed as offensive by the society in which we live in, and so the producers and editors have decided to place limitations on the writers. 

British Swear-tastic Political Comedy "The Thick of It" famously had to carefully count the number of cunts and fucks in order to meet with "broadcasting standards". This limited their actors ability to improvise more effectively, and led to scenes being forced to be cut or heavily edited in post production. Yet nobody ever questions whether the limit on swearing was unreasonable even though it was fundamentally detrimental to their creative process. 

These may seem like some extreme examples, but one must remember that this applies to all cinematic media. It does not matter that a depressed, middle aged Peter Parker would be perfectly at home letting our a quite "Ahhhh fuck." when he drops his pizza on the floor, because Spider-Man films need to be rated PG-13 in order to maintain sales. This policing of language does limit the ways in which a character is allowed to express themselves, and the sort of stories that are therefore allowed to be told. However the majority of fans deem it perfectly reasonable and acceptable. It does not cause outrage in the same way that suggesting a PG-13 film does not contain Strobe effects heavy enough to send someone to hospital. It would appear that society has deemed the word “Fuck” worse than a Seizure. Peter Parker cannot say fuck in order to protect viewers, he can, however, bombard them with deadly strobes. 

And why is this? What is it about our society where we have deemed it more traumatising for a 14 year old to hear the word "cunt" than it is for them to have (or even witness) a seizure? I can assure you, from personal experience, that seizures have caused far more long term damage to my brain than the word "cunt" ever has. 

Cinematic Limitations are not just put down to language though. Blood shed is also something that is carefully monitored during ratings. If one watches the extended edition of "The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies" one will note significantly more blood shed during the extended sequences! A level that is far more realistic than what was shown in the original. This is because the cinematic release needed to be a 12a, whereas the Extended BluRay was allowed to be a 15. The creators had to work around creative limitations that were put in place to protect their viewers' sensibilities. 

Of course standards for these things differ across nations. Other recent examples of this include films such as "Demon Slayer: Mugan Train". Demon Slayer is a Japanese animated film based off of a comic aimed at young boys, and as such was given a PG12 rating in its home nation. However, in the UK it was rated as 15 due to "Strong Violence" including "strangling, slashings and stabbings with bladed weapons, dismemberment and decapitations which result in extensive blood spurts and other forms of bloodshed." The US release was given an R Rating for similar reasons, although it is perhaps important to note that whilst in the UK the film was not allowed to be seen by anyone under the age of 15, in the US a child could still go see the film so long as they had adult supervision. 

Yet it is also interesting to note that whilst Japanese Society considers fantasy levels of blood shed to not be a problem for their children to watch, they do have some of the strictest photosensitivity laws for broadcast TV. This is as a direct response to the infamous "Pokémon Incident" where 685 children from across Japan were taken to hospital after suffering from seizures following an episode of the Pokémon anime in 1997. “Electric Soldier Porygon” has hence been banned from ever being broadcast again, and the titular Porygon has never been seen in the anime since. Even though the trigger for the seizures was Pikachu’s attacks, not Porygon’s. #PorygonWasInnocent. 

Most fans consider this a reasonable response to children being put in danger by a TV Show! Indeed, when people watch the episode on YouTube (some things simply refuse to stay lost) folks tend to agree that the lighting effects were incredibly severe and TV Tokyo were right to ban the episode. Yet in 2018 (over a decade after Electric Soldier Porygon Aired) when Pixar also caused children to have seizures in the cinema during "The Incredibles 2" the film was not pulled from screenings or revised, and anyone who suggested it should be was met with volatile abuse from so-called-fans claiming that if their creative vision involved strobe effects, then those strobe effects should be allowed to stay in, no matter how many children might be hurt in the process! 

Interesting to note, too, is that the version of the film that aired in the USA was in actual fact illegal to broadcast in the UK due to the potentially deadly nature of the strobe effects, and so an altered version had to be shown. This version still came with an official warning (as is legally required in the UK) but was at least deemed not as likely to cause seizures in those who do not usually suffer from photosensitive seizures. What this tells us, is that Pixar had a version of the film that they could have easily re-distributed to theatres but chose not to. 

Pixar easily accepted limitations on their films in terms of language and violence in order to protect the moral/mental well-being of their audience, but drew the line at anything that would actually protect their physical well-being. 

You may find yourself reading this and agreeing with the certificate ratings. You may think that the words such as "shit", "fuck", and "cunt" shouldn't be used in media aimed at under 15s. That an excessive or realistic depiction of blood and violence has no place in superhero films that are naturally going to appeal to children! And yet, in my experience, the same people who have these views do not expand them to the use of strobes. Any time the mention of films such as “Into The Spider-verse” should not include strobe effects, a plethora of people will rise up to tell you that you are wrong and terrible and bad for daring to suggest such limitations be put upon cinema! Yet as demonstrated above, these films must already undergo limitations in order to be shown to mass audiences. If the creators wanted total creative freedom, they would keep themselves to small indie productions supported by Kickstarter. Yet when a film is made for a mass market, then it must accept those mass market limitations, especially if they wish for their film to be watched by a younger audience. 

Because, at the end of the day, whilst I may be forced to hear again and again that not all animation is for children, a coming of age movie about a teenager attending a brand new high school is, fundamentally, going to be aimed at people under the age of 18. A.K.A. Children. It is also important to note, that the age in which a person is most likely to experience their first seizure is between the ages of 13 and 18, the exact age range that these films are deemed safe for in terms of emotional and mental wellbeing. 

Now, I am no parent, but if given the choice between my child hearing Peter Parker call Green Goblin a "Little Shit", or having to hold my child's limp hand as I desperately prayed for them to wake up after suffering from a seizure, I know which I would rather. 

I’m not calling for a complete rehaul of cinema certification here. I’m not advocating for more swearing, or more bloodshed. I simply believe that if certificate ratings exist to provide guidance to parents and the rest of the general public about what to expect from films, and what society decides is and is not safe for children to consume, then their physical as well as mental health should be taken into consideration. 

And if you are reading this, and still find that a production company including the word "cunt" in their film is more offensive than that film causing someone to have a Seizure, then I have terrible news for you. I think you might be just a tad bit ableist. And that maybe, you, and vast portions of the western film industry, need to start addressing that problem. Before it becomes too late, and the voices of photosensitive people are lost to cinema forever. 

For, at the end of the day, if we cannot go see these films, how can we be inspired by them?

[pinktom]

What do you think pink about tomarry content creators getting abusive tomione asks suddenly? First obsidian, then I saw one more account getting and now seminar arts. Is it only one person doing all this?

Btw my jaw dropped with your no filter answer where you said that whenever harry comes the chemistry between to marry best tomione 🤣. I would love to hear more of your no filter thoughts

I have no doubt those asks were sent by trolls. I, however, am simply a hater—I see an opportunity to hate, justified or not, I pounce. x]

In ascending order, here are the reasons I think Tomione sucks.

PS: If you know this post is gonna piss you off and press "Keep Reading" anyway - that is entirely on you. Send me anon hate and I'll assume you're a masochist who wants me to spank your pert, round hinie and call you a naughty, naughty girl.

“Book nerd loves book nerd uwu” trope does not fit Tom Riddle, and I find it obnoxious.

Like I touched on when I was first sipping on that haterade, Tom Riddle values usefulness. By this logic, you could easily contrive up a scenario in which he wants to use Hermione’s skills for whatever reason. 

However, the route that is usually taken in Tomione is that Tom is … impressed … by her intellect. A woman… who is… smart? He’s intrigued. 😏 He’s never once met a smart woman in his life before. And certainly not one so independent and feisty. She doesn’t swoon over him like the other girls do (eye roll).

I never got the impression anywhere in canon that Tom Riddle cared much about intellectual pursuits beyond those which were immediately useful to his goals, so for the very basis of a relationship to be his interest in her brains – to me, it’s tedious and off-base.

And also icky honestly lkjdflkj. Hermione’s two crushes are on a couple of stinky smelly boys (Krum, Ron), where the hell do you go off acting like she wants some mysterious, twisted dark boy? I’m offended. 

Absolutely zero chemistry; once Harry steps in, it’s game over

Because these characters lack any common ground, shared values, or compelling circumstances that tether them together, there is zero chemistry. You can try to fabricate those things with a little bit of crack!cocaine, but then you’re forced to contrive a lot of additional personality traits and circumstances that diverge them from their canon selves. (Which yes, you can do, but it only works if you’re gonna do something really interesting.)

As much as people like to har har about how canon doesn’t matter, here’s the truth: yes, it does. Our communities only exist because we’re referencing shared source material. However much you can bend characters around, everyone knows each character has an essence that just “feels like them” on a deeper human level. 

As such, we all know Tom Riddle and Harry Potter are intrinsically connected to each other. In Tomione this presents a conundrum. I could cite dozens of fics, but I’ll stick to two very well-written ones I enjoyed.

In one of them, Tom was a criminal and Harry was a detective on his tail; no matter how many times Tom fingered Hermione, he was always more entangled with Harry, because the stakes and intensity between them were so much grander. Same thing with the other fic but amplified by the Horcrux bond. At their very first encounter, when Tom and Harry laid eyes on each other, they both immediately felt an arresting connection, with distrust and intrigue. Hermione instantly paled in comparison in both stories.

It’s just like the moment Harry steps into the frame, you see how transparent and superficial the “commonalities” between Tom and Hermione ever are. Books and cleverness - oh but Harry, there are more important things! Like being spiritually linked! And sharing unique and intimate traumas in common! 

Heterosexual Tom is truly disgusting to read about

Look–it’s a matter of taste. We’re all products of our environments. For me, no amount of feminism or fantasy can overrule everything I’ve seen and experienced in my life. ( ಠ_ಠ )

I don’t enjoy reading about women in relationships with men who are controlling, violent, and selfish. Even the way Voldemort treats Bellatrix in canon always makes me wince, because I see it like this … here’s this girl who grew up proud; who was beautiful, rich, extremely gifted and powerful; and she turns into this horrible sniveling creature. Say it ain't so! I wish she'd killed him when he broke her ass out of Azkaban.

But back on the topic of Tomione specifically — I think there’s another layer to it, which is the greasy self-insertion aspect which makes me uncomfortably aware of how much the author’s ginie is tingling at the idea of Tom Riddle lifting a brow and saying, “Is that so, Miss Granger?” while she scowls and tells him to fuck off !!!

It’s of course not the self-insertion in itself that’s icky. It’s more just that the type of person who wants to self-insert into that particular heterosexual scenario is, uhh, too basic for me and my big powerful fujo brain.

And I guess that's gets me to the very core of why I find Tomione basic, trifling, and underwhelming. 

Tom Riddle is allowed no faults whatsoever in Tomione

Oh, sure. He’s controlling. He’s mean. He grabs her wrist and says, “What were you doing talking to Malfoy?” 😠

But so... ? Tom Riddle is a deeply embarrassing, mentally unwell trainwreck of a person. He's so much grosser than that. Yet you do not get that feeling at all in most Tomione fics. His worst character traits are often there but they’re made to seem sexy and flattering at all times.

I’m not saying your run-of-the-mill Tomarry fic doesn’t suffer this fatal flaw too—but when it comes down to it, Tomione doesn’t allow for his unsexy fallibility, period. Because the sexiness of the ship really depends on heteronormative romantic tropes and fantasies, which tend to be quite rigid and narrow. 

And I understand and empathize with why this is; just look at Reddit, so many women in heterosexual relationships already must put up with mortifying, embarrassing, and unhygienic things (y’all know which posts I mean 🙁). 

That’s just not what I’m here for. I love Tom Riddle because he’s a superficial narcissistic lunatic with no self-awareness and emotionally stunted outlook.

I don’t want to hear how he terrified the orphans if I’m not gonna hear about how he pissed the bed and got his bare ass whipped by a mean, toothless matron for chatting in sermon. I don’t care to see him bossing around those wimps at Hogwarts if there’s not at least one student who looks at “ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE” written in blood and feels tummy-churning secondhand embarrassment.

[plutosunshine]

Astro Notes Pt. 10

✨ It is very interesting to me that both Gemini and Virgo are ruled by Mercury but are so different. Especially in terms of lies. Gemini's lies are their second nature. It doesn’t mean they lie all the time but if they need to, it is not a big problem. Also, they (I mean Gemini placements) are good at uplifting their friends so they’ll lie to make a friend happy. At the same time, Virgo placements feel like they betray themselves when they lie. Sometimes they say the truth that hurts but you may be sure that Virgo won't stab you in the back.

✨ Leo Mars people want to be right soooo much! They feel offended when they are wrong. It is that kind of person who will tell you “WHAT I TOLD YOU! I WAS RIGHT!”.

✨ I know this thing may be applied to any Pisces placement but Pisces Moon just NEEDS someone to help out. They feel empty when they aren’t doing something good for others. They may even have helpless friends with addictions or mental issues so that they could be there for them.

✨ Having 8th house overlays with your friends is sooo good. You are going through tough experiences together and transforming each other. This is the type of friend that will help you no matter what. Deep connection, conversations, and mutual understanding. You may help each other to heal deep wounds.

✨ Yes, it is very difficult to be on the same wave with a person whose Moon squares yours. However, when you have a deep bonding and desire to develop a relationship, you can deal with it. You have to understand that you never will fully understand the deep feelings and emotions of each other and you will never fully relate but know that you may find a way to cope. With time, it even deepens your connection, because you need to be more attentive and understanding.

✨ I want to mention again how important it is for Virgo Suns to have a purpose or do something no matter what. Virgo energy is so hard-working and restless that you need to navigate this energy to the right place. When you have nothing to do, no purpose or things to do, you subconsciously blame and criticize yourself which leads to low energy levels and low self-esteem.

✨ Also, Sun square Pluto can relate as well. Pluto creates much tension and when a person doesn’t have something where they can invest this intense energy, a person starts to destroy themselves.

✨ People with the 7th house in Aquarius often remain friends with their exes. I see all the time when their ex is their closest friend after the breakup. Also, it is common among people with Venus in Gemini and the 11th house. But there are a lot of indicators.

✨ People with Jupiter in the 2nd or 8th are so happy. They even don’t do anything but they have money somehow. Money just comes to them easily. (Don’t forget about other placements before saying that it's not true in your case!)

✨ People with the North Node in Leo have a chance to perform throughout their life. Maybe you reject it but it will find you anyway. Even if it is a small concert in your school or a local band that even doesn’t perform that much. Life will gift you opportunities to show yourself so don’t miss it!

✨ If you have Saturn in the 10th house, just listen. DON'T GIVE UP! I know you have high expectations for yourself and you feel incapable at times but once you give up, it will make you miserable. Don't give up on your dreams and goals! If you don’t satisfy this placement it will slowly kill you from the inside.

✨ People with Chiron in the 4th often feel guilt in terms of their family. Whatever happens in their family, they blame themselves. They think they could help or prevent some situations and it may kill them from the inside.

✨ Having Cancer placements for men in our society is crazy. Cancer energy is so vulnerable and sensitive but our society makes men hide it, which leads to suppressed anger and other emotions. That is why a lot of men with Cancer Mars have anger issues. They don’t know how to express emotions and blame themselves when they show weaknesses and insecurities.

[fauustic]

the fear of losing this

too many people in my inbox got a little too comfortable asking me for “a fight between reader” as well as “miguel angst please” so i am combining both as i struggle to get through this writer’s block ))

gender-nonconforming reader x miguel “spider-man 2099″ o’hara

angst. little comfort. your universe is falling apart, yet miguel doesn’t want to let you go.

warnings: pure angst. light cursing? i’m not too sure, just lots of tears.

word count: 2211

The night sky of Nueva York shined brightly with the bustle of commute, highly advanced cars whirring softly through the clouds. Your mask hung from your hands at your side, bunched up in the anger that fizzed and popped in your bloodstream– threatening to explode at any given moment as Miguel brushed off your conversation with a stoic chill.

“You don’t understand how important this is to me Miguel–” your voice raised as you paced the highest level of the building, padding against the overly complex structures that mimicked webs. You would have laughed at the irony of having a headquarters so invested in the theme of spiders that even the ground you walk on replicated the symmetry of webs if the both of you were in any other given situation– but that joking persona that came with the gig flew and crashed out the window the moment Miguel brushed off and rejected your plans to return back home. “I need to be there, helping my people. What is the point of me taking up a spot in this ‘fateful–’” You dragged out the words, venom dripping from your tongue as you partially made fun of the organization he spent so much time on. “Spider Society if my own boss doesn’t let me return back to the place I belong in?”

“No, no.” His tone was blunt as he stood as rigid as ever; surveying your every move in a way that you could never guess what he was thinking, with or without the mask. “You don’t understand.” Miguel repeated your own words back to you in a taunt as one of his clawed hands fidgeted with the device that decided whether or not you could walk around or stay in a little bubble for the next week just like all the other prisoners were down below. “You created a problem in your own universe, that’s the problem we’re having here. You cannot fix it.” He practically spat his words, anger emitting from every rhythmic clang whenever he tossed the technology into the air and caught it with calculation. “It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re from that Earth, you put that place you so valiantly ‘protect’ into a state of emergency. Is that not clear enough?”

“Oh, sure– but the hundreds of other spider-people that can’t go one word without making a joke of the situation can fix my mess? Am I just some inexperienced rookie to you, Miguel?” You countered, ripping your gaze from his own. His features were exposed to you as his mask was off as well, the sunken circles beneath his eyes growing prominent when a vibrant car passed by and shone a striking yellow light into the corridor the two of you stood within. His usual expression made of stone chipped away with the stress he was under as a deeper frown made its way onto his lips.

Miguel sighed dramatically before pinching the bridge of his nose, turning away from you to mumble a jumble of incoherency. “God,” He repeats your name like it's a curse, “That’s not what I’m saying at all. It’s just not safe.”

You scoffed, eyes growing wide at the audacity of this man you have to call your boss. “Of course it’s not safe Miguel, that’s our job.” You couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief, pulling at the roots of your hair in any attempt to calm yourself down. “I risked my life every single day in my universe before I even knew of your existence, yet now suddenly I can’t?”

“This is different. For some reason these– these anomalies are running rampant in your world and it’s taking everything to finally have the problem at hand contained.” Miguel held his breath as if he had something more to say, but left it unsaid the moment you stomped closer towards him in a new fit of anger.

You shoved your palm against his chest, baring your teeth as a groan erupted from the back of your throat in a concoction of frustration and despair. “Exactly! That’s exactly the problem, Miguel. My people out there are suffering and fighting for their lives, surrounded by these people that are like me but aren’t me.” Tears began to well up in the corners of your pained gaze, humiliation washing over your consciousness as you sniffled and stifled a sob. Fauxe confidence and quips were something you specialized in, annoying Miguel in a little dynamic the two of you found yourself in as months turned into an entire year of being called in for missions. Emotions were never a thing the both of you have ever discussed with one another because it wasn’t your position to pry and he was never the one to initiate such conversation.

“If you just let me go, I’m more than willing to show you how capable I am.” It came out as a whisper as you turned away from him and began padding down the structural webs. Miguel was on high alert, you could notice as every glance felt as if he was trying to convince himself that no other member of his society occupied this part of Headquarters. He followed you close behind, claws digging into the beams of construction to reach the same floor as you without a word. The brooding silence that usually met your company could be sensed from any person in their right mind, and as you spotted the hesitation in each thud of his footfalls– confusion clouded your anger. So in a flurry of adrenaline, you webbed his next step to the ground with a ball of the substance you artificially produced in the depths of your makeshift and cozy lab, hidden away at your home in the world you desperately needed to save. It would give you time to finally just talk to him.

“¿Eres estúpido o qué? Do that again and I’m putting you in the–”

It wasn’t to hold him down, you know you couldn’t match his strength. It was to make a statement. 

You interrupted him, a newfound determination holding onto the little hope you had. “You follow me for one more second, I’m going through that portal and never looking back.” Brutally honest and uncharacteristically serious, the attempt at ripping his limb free was cut cold at the promise looming in the air. His frown fell for just a moment’s notice, mouth agape in shocked horror before quickly recovering himself. Repeating yourself more clearly as his attention was occupied, your body shined away while shaky fingers struggled to input the coordinates of your universe. But eventually it clicked, the AI voice of Miguel’s beloved Lyla sounded throughout the tension in a glitchy mess– notifying Miguel of the portal to-be seconds before it truly distorted the fabrication of reality in front of you.

Miguel dropped to his knees, struggling to claw off the web that had his foot planted to the structure. His breath quickened concerningly, shoulders heaving as the plan of his crumbled in front of him in an instant; all because he was not observant enough. You played him like an instrument like you always had, a pained groan from the back of his throat sounded and echoed throughout the space of the vast headquarters. “No, no, no..” He repeated, mirroring the despair you had on your features moments ago at the idea of not being able to save your people. You could never once recollect a fraction of a second where he allowed himself to convey the pain plaguing his mind, and as he reached out to you in a frantic heap of limbs– the walls of protection he hazardously built around himself came crumbling down by each shape contorting and twisting into a gateway to your world. “I can’t, I can’t lose anybody else–”

You stood there, heart breaking as the man who has had villains three times your size on their knees, collapse into fragments of himself at the mere idea of you leaving the security of his universe. Bursts of color painted the dark hues blotching upon white, igniting his fresh-tear stained cheeks in splashes of reds and yellows and greens. The portal was completely open, awaiting your entrance to return back to your familiarity– yet your senses buzzed alarmingly at each step away from Miguel. It’s almost as if you could feel the hole in his chest, searing away his soul he finally allowed himself to offer like a god’s offering.

You fell to your knees to hold his face in your suited hands, the waves of sorrow and grief infesting your mind like a sickness almost had you doubling over in pain. You could hear the cries of hundreds around his, no– your own heavy breathing, a confused and fearful little girl’s pleas for help overlapping the muddled screams. You felt the weight of a child in your hands before it was ripped away like a paper airplane in the wind, and soon your trembling hands met the purchase of his nape. Your body moved automatically, holding his face in the comfort of your lap while you shielded his gaze from the portal. Despite his power, the capability to snap you in two, you held him like a fragile doll that would break within any mishap.

“All this time, you never told me.” You sobbed into his hair, dampening his combed back curls with your tears and he only held your waist like you were the anchor in this unforgiving ocean of anguish. You have become one, the memories of his own mixing into the blur of yours's.

“I didn’t know how to.” He murmured into the purchase of your thigh, wetness seeping into your suit. But you didn’t care as your hands wandered all over his figure: a soft massage to the shoulders before quickly scooping his neck into your arms before finally settling on petting his hair back. “I, I haven’t allowed you to go to your world because a part of my thoughts can imagine your arms fading into a technicolor mess, falling into the clutches of another failed universe.” He forced himself to take a deep breath, gulping up air as the portal behind the both of you fizzled and popped.

“I can’t lose you too. I’d be so–” He hesitated, breathing in deeply just to choke on a sob. “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.” He poured out the burdens weighing on his conscience, confirming your long-forgotten wonder that he was just as emotional when he was faced with his grief head-on; the same intensity seen in his short-tempered anger.

You simply hushed him, cooing reassurance that he accepted with greed. “Nothing is going to happen to me.” The rational fear being expressed aloud made your shoulders shake and head buzz with anxiety, but you steeled yourself at the reminder of Miguel melting into your tearful embrace like putty. You needed to be strong for him when he wasn’t, just like how he pushed himself to the greatest extent his body can endure all the times before. 

“It’s just, I can’t lose where I come from.” You worked at ridding his foot from your webs as your serene tone accompanied his sniffles, his breathing settling out bit by bit as you continued to finally explain yourself. In regards to Miguel's quietness, you genuinely thought he was listening. “You can’t keep me away and shield me from my own mistakes, O’Hara. It’s just not possible, I need a home to thrive and protect. Without my people, I’m going to disappear as well.” A snap of your webs trapping his limbs finished your little speech, indicating that time was up and you had a job to do.

“I’m.. worried.” He mumbles aloud, like the sentence itself was foreign on his tongue. “These creatures from foreign worlds, they are drawn to your universe as if there’s a pulling force. I haven’t been able to figure it out. It’s so infuriating, it’s like I can’t do–”

You intercept his little tangent as you grab his chin and lift his gaze to meet yours’, an unsaid question hanging into the atmosphere like an old letter to a former self. Do you want this? Is this okay? I’m scared of messing this up.

The question is answered as Miguel’s grasp finds purchase in your flesh, claws digging into your thighs like if he let you go you’d fade along with everything else of his. In a messy, salty clash of teeth against fangs and tongue against lips, Miguel lapped up every inch of your mouth like he had to memorize every crevice of your entire being. It’s as if the two of you have synchronized, being able to suspect slight changes in each other’s mood as he grew more needy with the introduction of desire bubbling against the forefront of your mind.

“We can do this.” You murmured into his cheek, hands dancing over his suit in case this was the last time you’d ever be blessed with his presence again.

Miguel nodded, heaving for breath before he snatched one last kiss– sincere and genuine and full of unfiltered affection. “Yeah,” His nose met the crook of your neck, grazing each curve it stumbled upon.

“Together, mi alma.”

[sitronsangbody]

But what about health?? Fine, let’s talk about The Health. Here’s everything I think some of you should know and keep in mind when it comes to health: SOME MYTHS AND MISCONCEPTIONS: - You can’t know someone’s health just by looking at them. You just can’t. And it’s probably not any of your business. - Size is not a reliable indicator of health. There is currently no evidence that being fat in and of itself is bad for you. - Health is not a moral category. - Your body doesn’t need to be The Fittest It Could Possibly Be. What matters is where you need it to get you in life, not some theoretical physical potential. SOME STUFF NOBODY SEEMS TO GRASP: - Health is SO individual. Bodies are complex and incredibly diverse. They come with all sorts of needs and limitations and these fluctuate depending on so many inside and outside factors. We do not all need the same number of calories, the same number of steps, the same amount of rest. And we’re not all supposed to look the same. - More stuff than you probably think is genetic. - Mental health is just as important as physical health, and the two very much impact each other. - Our health is impacted by an array of societal factors beyond our individual control. - Some people will never be healthy for whatever reason, and that doesn’t make them less valuable in any way. SOME STUFF THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT HEALTHY: - Hating yourself. Fat people are constantly encouraged to fight against our weight and size, and it’s statistically a losing battle. One that wreaks havoc on our mental health. - Starving yourself and shutting out your body’s hunger cues. - Minority stress. Discrimination, marginalization and exclusion is not good for you. It impacts you both physically and mentally. In other words: shaming someone does less than nothing for their health. If you’re shaming people because “you worry about their health”, you are actively causing the kind of damage you claim you want to prevent. - Seeing doctors that don’t know enough about the body you have and how symptoms manifest in it. A very real occurrence for many black people, trans people, fat people, disabled people - the list goes on. - Not having universal health insurance SOME THINGS THAT ARE INDEED HEALTHY: - Eating regularly. Eating a variety of foods and food groups. You should find and eat food you like if possible. - Some level of movement regularly. A lot of us already get it at work et cetera. You should move in a way that you enjoy, that does not cause pain. - Staying hydrated. - Getting enough sleep. The amount will vary from person to person. - Resting when you need it. - Brushing your teeth. Wearing sunscreen. - Not overdoing it with drugs and alcohol. - Fresh air. - Being - and feeling - safe. - Love and community. - Being kind to yourself. NOTE: not everyone has access to all of this. People are busy. People are poor. People are sick. People lack accommodations they need. People live in dangerous areas. People are abused and controlled. The world around us has a huge amount of power over our health.

[inzsanewrites]

Newly Engaged

Cassis Pedelian X Reader

You waited for Roxana to leave.

After all, it would be a bit harder to explain why you had suddenly wanted to see the prisoner. You wondered if she would even let you knowing that Lant, who had considered you his favorite and doted on you heavily, fervently denied you the prisoner you had asked for.

You hid behind a pillar and watched as Roxana left key in hand and cell door tightly locked.

Typical.

Throughly making sure she wasn’t coming back anytime soon, you approached the door and took out a small file. It was straight as a stick but the moment you but when it passed through the lock the door opened.

You carefully took it out and shuffled into the room. You looked around and saw him.

Cassis Pedelian.

He was lying in his side and appeared to be sleeping. You hesitated, you didn’t want to wake him but it was a matter of importance. At least to you.

And you hoped it was to him as well.

You brought yourself down to his level and aware of his many wounds and bruises lightly touched a patch of unmarked skin, intending. However, Cassis seemed to have other plans.

“Who are you?! Are you Roxana or another Agriche bastard?”

That had you a bit mad.

“Technically, it would be another Agriche bitch. And didn’t you recognize me?

“…Wait a minute… that voice… Y/n?”

“Who else?”

“Roxana, most likely.”

Well it did make sense, but on the topic of Roxana it reminded you that you had limited time.You grabbed his face and brought him a hairbreadth away from yours.

“Why don’t you want to marry me?”

“Huh?!!” His eyes went as wide as saucers.

“Don’t play dumb with me. Seven months ago, you sent me a letter asking for permission to court me and when I replied that you could. You. Never. Responded. Why?”

Cassis seemed confused as well.

“What do you mean, I sent letters every week after that but you never responded.”

You squished his cheeks a bit.

“Because I was waiting to see one of those letters.”

You and Cassis seemed to have a bit of a stare down before a look of realization showed on his face as well as a small flush. He tried to retract himself from your hands which failed due to your tight grip and he cleared his throat.

“Y/n, I think the question you should be asking is why your dad doesn’t want you to marry me.”

Lant? What did he have to do with anything.

Cassis noticed your furrowed brows and spoke up.

“Do you get your mail directly or does it go through someone before you get it?”

“Dad always get the mail before anyone else see it to check for any contact from other famil…”

Oh, you got it now, Lant probably expected you to reject a Pedelian which explained the first letter so he when you accepted Cassis’ proposal he probably got a slight heart attack and kept the incoming letters.

You brought Cassis closer to the point your noses where touching, causing his face to turn a brighter shade of red.

“So you do want to marry me?”

“Eventually, yes.” You two were still underage after all.

You eye twinkled so brightly Cassis thought he would go blind from looking into them.

‘Did that make you that happy’ he wondered. But faster than he could react, you lightly touched the corner of his mouth.

You kissed him.

He jumped back, blushing like crazy now.

You didn’t seemed to mind and cheerfully, you sprang up and made your way to the door.

“Thanks! I’ll wait for our first kiss when were hopefully, somewhere more romantic.”

You placed a hand on the door handle and turned to face Cassis.

Despite the same smile still on your face, your aura you seemed to change a bit.

It seemed a bit darker.

“If you want to get out of here or at very least die, remember Roxana is the easier way out.”

The atmosphere around you brightened once again and you bid Cassis goodbye and shut the behind you.

Instead of returning back to the main mansion, you turned around to the darkness, a threatening smile plastered on you face any traces of friendliness wiped away.

The cell was soundproof so you didn’t care anyway.

“Did you hear that? We’re engaged now so you can’t do anything to him. Because the moment you do…”

You took a step to the shadows.

“I’ll skin you alive.”

And with that you left.

[charmedreincarnation]

What have you manifested and I feel like people don’t talk abt how different they really feel when they’re living their dream life. Like is it really that easy ?

I’m still probably never going to make a mega post of everything I’ve manifest till this point just because I think there are so many out there and mine won’t serve any difference. But I did draft this post a year ago, and even since then I’ve done so much more and my life has only gotten easier and better ! I hope this can kind of gage obviously how happy & grateful I am and continue to be.

I also see other bloggers get comments like, well you don’t seem happy, or how are you already used to it, I’ll never stop being happy. I know it’s surprising but you will. I talked about this earlier but I can’t find the post so I’ll just say it again. No matter how much you have, the capacity you have to be happy forever is limited.

This concept is better known as the Hedonic Treadmill. This is the idea that even when life gets better, our happiness and appreciation for it eventually wears off and goes back to what is called our “baseline” or default level of contentment.

The Hedonic Treadmill is the idea that we can get used to any improvement in our lives. In other words, when something gets better in our lives, we eventually adapt to it, whether it be in our job, lifestyle, financial outlook, or any other aspect of life. Over time, our happiness returns to this baseline level and we no longer feel the sense of elation or appreciation we once did when the situation first improved.

To better explain this concept it’s important to look at the history of the term. It was originally coined by British psychologist Michael Eysenkek in the 1960s, and he explains the idea that “human beings have a limited capacity for happiness, and thus when their quality of life improves they soon adjust and return to their former level of contentment.”

In other words, the Hedonic Treadmill is the idea that no matter how much our circumstances or environment improve, we always return to a state of baseline contentment. This is due to our psychological ability to adjust and adapt to new changes quickly.

We also see this in lottery winners which shows the effects of their happiness no matter how much they won wears out, in about 2-3 years. I’m even seeing this in my own family. If you want to always be happy and living your best life, even after the void you’re going to have to continue doing the work to do so. Will it be hella easier? Yes. That doesn’t mean stop improving your life

[pochapal]

Umineko Liveblog: Thoughts/Theories [Episode 1 Chapter 13 Edition]

In Umineko chapter 13, it happened again. Barely three chapters after the previous slaughter, the second twilight unfolds. The two who are close were torn apart, in a gruesome and inevitable moment that shocked everybody and nobody. It is a compact chapter that almost entirely hinges around Eva and Hideyoshi’s demise.

However, that’s not all that’s going on here. Beyond the shock and the horrors, some of the more salient elements of the story are slowly simmering to the surface. Eva and Hideyoshi’s involvement in the first twilight, the nature of the witch narrative, Genji’s role in these grim events, and Kinzo’s potential bizarre and horrifying motive.

And also try to figure out just what went down in that locked room.

Our first stop on the chapter 13 writeup brings us to the titular two who are close. I’m not yet talking about their corpses or the seemingly impossible closed room they were killed in just yet. First, I want to think about the very loaded conversation between Eva and Hideyoshi in the opening half of the chapter.

At first glance, it feels like nothing more than an endless parade of death flags. They comment on how proud they are of George, they affirm their love for one another, and then they talk about their plans to travel somewhere beautiful once this is all over. There was never any subtlety about what was going to happen to these two in this chapter. The surface level reading is incredibly apparent.

What’s less apparent is what else can be gleaned from this conversation. Yes, Eva and Hideyoshi are having their “when we leave this place” doomed by the narrative conversation, but there is one specific death flag that doesn’t get tripped. Not once do either of them talk about the murders, or Beatrice, or any fear they may have for their own safety.

Eva and Hideyoshi not necessarily caring about their murdered siblings doesn’t come as a surprise. What does come as a surprise is that Eva, who spent the last two chapters mercilessly interrogating the mystery of Kinzo’s disappearance, has very little to say on the matter of these bizarre murders. They briefly comment on how Natsuhi is letting the power go to her head now that Krauss is dead and that it’s a relief that Shannon was killed so George now cannot marry her. That is the extent of it.

It is almost out of character how far removed from the situation Eva and Hideyoshi appear to be in this conversation. After all, the killer is still at large and there are still twelve hours until the boat gets there. So why are they so completely unbothered? It’s almost as if to them, this murder business does not concern them.

And why would that be? Why would Eva and Hideyoshi be acting without fear despite having no outward reason to do so?

If they are unafraid, that indicates that they believe, for whatever reason, that Beatrice and the killings pose no threat to them. This is something that was evident even in the previous chapter when the two of them broke off from the group despite the clear risks associated with that. It’s also reinforced by the fact that they make plans to escape to the Maldives in a few weeks’ time – there is not a shred of doubt that they will be leaving the island alive. Everybody else on Rokkenjima is panicked and terrified, but not Eva and Hideyoshi. In short, in private, they are acting as if there is no threat to their lives at all.

This is of course a wildly bizarre stance to take given the situation they find themselves in. What’s important here is trying to find a reason as to why these two would act like this and say the things they do. What they talk about is reaffirming their future and going away on a luxury trip. No mention of the murders, the epitaph, the gold, or the inheritance.

Almost as if these problems are no longer a concern for Eva and Hideyoshi, despite half their family being killed and them still in the red financially. Those things might as well not exist behind closed doors. Why is that?

I think figuring out a compelling reason for this relies on a prior assumption almost certainly being true: Eva and Hideyoshi were involved in the first twilight. More specifically, they were helped along in whatever they did by the originator of the Beatrice narrative enough that their culpability has been taken care of for them. If “Beatrice” is making their problems disappear with “magic”, then of course it would be no issue for the two of them to play along with the witch narrative as long as it continues to benefit them. Hideyoshi leaning in on the “demonic” nature of the magic circles despite his prior skepticism towards Beatrice makes complete sense under this light.

This would also be why Hideyoshi chastises Eva for her receipt ploy with Natsuhi. The witch narrative works on ambiguity and uncertainty, of not looking too deeply or closely at the mysteries. If the Kinzo death embezzlement theory is true, then the coverup is operating on the same logic as the narrative that is protecting Eva and Hideyoshi. If Kinzo’s death is unmasked by the family, then so too can Beatrice be unmasked. And if Beatrice is unmasked, then Eva and Hideyoshi’s role is exposed.

Further, this can also be used to explain away their Maldives plans. We are presented with a very Romantic vision of Eva and Hideyoshi making peace with their lot in life and renewing their love for each other in the wake of tragedy, the facts of which can only be contradicted via attacks on their character and not via logic. However, if we use the Detective’s approach and separate the actions from the emotions, what are we left with?

Eva and Hideyoshi, who are no longer concerned about the inheritance and Kinzo’s fortune, are making plans to be out of the country in a remote location about twelve weeks from the present moment. This would leave them totally unreachable and untouchable at what would likely be the height of the police investigation into the Rokkenjima murders. They would be in a foreign nation under foreign jurisdiction right around when they would be scrutinised either as witnesses or suspects. They will be out of the country, and thus uninvolved with the immediate management of the Rokkenjima estate in the absence of pretty much every other viable next-of-kin.

Why would they be out of the country at such a crucial time, and why would they not be concerned with taking control of the family’s affairs? I think two points can be extrapolated here.

The first is that they need to be out of the picture so as not to be a suspect. On its own this would not make sense because them being unreachable would only serve to make them more suspicious, so it stands that there is some kind of contingency they feel is protecting them. The second is that they don’t challenge the succession/inheritance because they either already have everything they need, or they know that it is a matter of time before they get it anyway. Eva is ambitious and desperate for the top slice of the Ushiromiya pie. She would not back off without a guarantee.

What this tells us, I think, is that there is an individual who exists to take the heat off Eva and Hideyoshi in some way. Some person who would be infinitely more suspicious than even the only surviving beneficiaries who have fled the country. Some person who, in some way, will guarantee that Eva and Hideyoshi will still have access to the Ushiromiya fortune when all is said and done.

A perfect candidate for this sort of person would be a hypothetical individual who has already seized ownership of the headship and the fortune who otherwise should not have it, and who will very quickly get caught out by the police for having wealth and power above their status. Someone who is, say, a servant who solved the epitaph and gained control of Rokkenjima and its gold. A servant who will most likely be swiftly arrested, not believed, and their stolen wealth immediately returned to the highest-ranked Ushiromiya still alive. This is everything Eva wanted and more, and all she has to do is sit quietly and let events fall as they will. Like Kinzo before her, she will be bestowed untold riches through Beatrice’s magic, so long as she keeps her mouth shut.

Ultimately, when Eva tells Battler to think more deeply on what she said before leaving the parlor, she is obviously imploring him to consider Natsuhi as a duplicitous hypocrite. However, if your thinking extends beyond the “who” and into the “how” and “why”, then Eva’s trick with the receipt provides a solid blueprint for breaking down the witch narrative. This is, of course, almost certainly not something the person behind Beatrice expected to happen when they stepped in to clean up Eva and Hideyoshi’s mess. If the witch narrative is destroyed too early, then not only does whatever Beatrice’s plan is get thoroughly ruined, but also Eva and Hideyoshi get suspected as culprits and lose everything.

Each one has the power to destroy the other. However, while Eva and Hideyoshi cannot survive without the witch narrative, the witch narrative can certainly survive without Eva and Hideyoshi. So Beatrice cuts her losses and disposes of the two of them before they can become a liability in order to keep the narrative going.

And of course, the witch narrative itself plays a central role in this chapter as an unseen yet glaringly visible force. We’ve already gone over how and why Eva and Hideyoshi would play into the witch narrative, so now let’s examine the broader narrative that exists beyond the two of them.

Until now, it was fairly easy to read the witch narrative as a mere metaphor coverup for the killing of the Ushiromiya siblings. It cloaks the murders in obscurity and makes it hard to understand anything other than the hard fact of death. The first twilight is a masterclass in a mystery that gives nothing away easily. Not so much with the second twilight.

A lot of this comes from the fact that the interim chapters between the two twilights have been peppered with glimpses into how this narrative is being constructed, and who is telling this story. The scenes between the servants talking about Beatrice reveal that whatever is going on is much more than a little bit of occult obfuscation. Beatrice is made into a consistent character with concrete personality traits that are completely superfluous to the “a witch is murdering everybody” scenario. Why does it matter that Beatrice is respectful to those who respect her in kind? Why would Beatrice have a propensity for pranking? Why does the story of Beatrice, in Battler’s words, have to bring everyone on Rokkenjima into another world?

This still mostly touches on elements of the witch narrative that are hard to figure out at this point, related to things like the paradox of an unsolvable mystery begging to be solved. I don’t think this chapter does much to advance my understanding of these issues. Instead, I want to examine the way the witch narrative is working around the second twilight, and what these features can tell us.

The first thing I noticed on this front is a soft culmination of the recurring image of the TV. Since the first twilight, there has been a narrative emphasis on Maria being totally absorbed in watching TV, except for the moments where the narrative flares up and she gets the chance to be witch-Maria. The TV here is used as a symbol for the unreality of the situation – the programs Maria watches are fictional, a fantasy to keep her absorbed in. The witch narrative is similarly an all-absorbing fantasy, and during the scenes in the parlor when everybody is discussing Beatrice and the occult, Maria is able to turn her attention away from the TV. When they are not talking about the witch narrative, Maria returns to the TV.

If you view Maria as totally fantasy-absorbed within the story, then the only times she stops watching TV are when the fantasy has spilled out into the material world. The TV, then, is a stand-in for the witch narrative – only those invested in perpetuating the witch narrative watch TV. The TV itself is also a signifier of the fiction contained within the screen leaking out into wider reality.

This is all important because in chapter 13, the TV features heavily in the guest bedroom. Alone in the room, Eva and Hideyoshi turn the TV on, and it becomes the only audible sound aside from the rain. While discovering the murder, Kanon remarks on how the light and noise from the TV grow stronger and stronger until they are the only thing he can focus on. The TV strengthens throughout the chapter, right up until the moment where Eva and Hideyoshi’s bodies are found.

If TV = witch narrative, then chapter 13 is a steady progression of the witch narrative increasing in strength. Despite the seemingly disconnected shock of the murders, there is still that Beatrice-shaped throughline linking it to the first twilight. Whatever happened to Eva and Hideyoshi is part of the same continuity of killings that was responsible for the deaths of the other siblings. This is perhaps the most important takeaway from this observation: we must consider the two sets of murders as a continuous series of events. Whatever caused the first twilight is still happening.

More than that, it also means that so much of this scene is shrouded in that misleading obfuscation inherent to the witch narrative. It’s hard to know for sure what’s going on since the important parts of this chapter were entirely relayed through a third person outside perspective and not through Battler’s eyes, so if there are discrepancies in presentation they are not yet known. All we have to work with is the singular, third person series of events. If there are incongruities to be found, it is too soon to speculate on them. The only thing that is certain is that if the witch narrative is in play as strongly as the story would suggest, then it must not be taken for granted that everything here is as it seems.

The other witch narrative element in this chapter comes in the form of more occult symbols, of which we get two: bizarrely-decorated icepick-esque murder weapons, and a freakishly elaborate magic circle.

The icepicks, or whatever they are, are a little easier to puzzle out. The characters remark on how bizarre and out of place they seem to be, not knowing how or why they got here and were used in the murders. Regardless of how truthful you may assume these observations to be, I think it’s fairly easy to say that the weird ornate weapons came from Kinzo’s collection, same as the gun. If so, then these picks may have either been obtained the previous night when Kinzo’s study was entered to prepare for the first twilight, or at some undisclosed point beforehand depending on how much in advance these murders were set up.

What the picks actually are is a little less straightforward. If you’re going by the rules of occult symbols and weapons, the first thing that naturally comes to mind when thinking of “conical object with a fancy handle” is some kind of stake – I’m thinking more along the lines of blood sacrifice than demon slaying here. It was described as being like an icepick but not an icepick, and similar to a spear but too short to be called a spear, so I think some kind of modified sacrificial stake is the best fit. I said a second ago that I think the intended evocation is of ritual sacrifice rather than the killing of something demonic, but in the prior scene Eva describes her own toxic ambitions as a “devil” in her head. Killing the “devil” inside Eva by running a stake through her has a nice ironic thematic resonance to it that I think further justifies considering this object as some kind of stake.

The other issue, however, is that stakes are almost only useful for piercing soft flesh – the traditional image is of a stake through the heart, and not through the forehead. It is far easier to pierce the chest than it is the skull, so if this is some kind of stake (not that the exact nature of the weapon matters that much), how did it do that?

I think that, both like and unlike the first twilight, it’s worth considering a more mundane tool here. In order to get something thin and piercing through a hard to penetrate surface, you need to apply a lot of force. The gun could not be used since that is still in Natsuhi’s possession, so some kind of shenanigans there is automatically out of the question. Given that, what’s left to us?

What’s worth noting is that we never get a good look at the weapons, beyond seeing their handles and that they are roughly conical in shape. How they are embedded in Eva and Hideyoshi remains unknown. My thinking is, given the size and shape and purpose of these wounds, that a drill was likely used to create the effect seen. A drill could, with enough pressure, pierce into someone’s skull. It would then either be a case of having the weapon attached to some kind of screw as it is drilled into them, or sticking the weapon into the hole after the fact. The drill could be easily sourced from the same tool storage room Kanon acquired the bolt cutters from, and easily returned without suspicion.

One question that arises from this is that it is once again very unlikely that Eva and Hideyoshi died by having their foreheads drilled through. Given the list of suspects and the logistics of the killing, it is most likely that the mutilation happened posthumously like with the first twilight. Which means, again, that Eva and Hideyoshi were actually killed in some other way that left no other visible signs. And once again, I have reason to believe that may be poison.

Before I consider who could have administered some kind of poison to the two of them, let’s also think about the magic circle for a second. According to the narration, Kanon first notices the magic circle when returning to the bedroom with the bolt cutters – a more elaborate magic circle than the first has appeared on the door. Kanon and Kumasawa both react in shock upon seeing it – Kumasawa because it is so ghastly, Kanon because it was not there less than five minutes ago.

On the face of it, this is another impossible-seeming occurrence, even more so than any other occult symbol seen so far. That said, if you keep in mind the overwhelming swell of the witch narrative and the reliability of our narrators, then it becomes less impossible to consider. Going back to the Detective/Romantic narrative viewpoint, we need to remember that these third person scenes are more about being faithful to the emotional truth than the literal truth – the why is accurate, but the how and what may not be.

For the magic circle, what we get is the emergence of this symbol accompanied by Kanon’s shock, fear, and helplessness. Kanon is not in a good place when he looks upon the magic circle – his distress culminates in the appearance of this symbol. This does not necessarily mean the magic circle literally materialised in a handful of minutes, but it does mean that the magic circle’s emotional relevance only became clear upon Kanon’s second known trip to the bedroom.

Now that Kanon has the means of entering the locked bedroom, the witch narrative bleeds out into something concrete and grim. When the bedroom was still a sealed space, there was no occult iconography. The appearance of the circle, narrative-wise, marks a point of no return. As readers, we know what this means: the epitaph murders have continued, and Eva and Hideyoshi are absolutely super dead. There is no avoiding or delaying that inevitability. Likewise, Kanon having the bolt cutters means that he, too, can no longer ignore the writing on the wall.

The bolt cutters break through the material lock on the room. The magic circle breaks through the immaterial lock of obfuscation. We know exactly what is in there, and how to get there. There is no use in pretending. Truth, or some form of it at least, rules the moment. Beatrice shows her hand when she knows we can no longer deny her presence.

So we see the magic circle and understand. So Kanon has the bolt cutters and can step into the room. If the witch narrative is about one thing, it’s the conferring of understanding onto observational parties. Despite the obscurity and mystery surrounding everything, the signs and symbols are remarkably devoid of ambiguity. Magic circles indicate that a completed murder lies behind the door. The imagery of the first twilight goes from a spectacle to a pattern.

Of course, this still means that this is the witch narrative, and this still means that the information we are receiving Is obfuscated. Under the witch narrative, the magic circle inexplicably manifested within a few short minutes as a signpost by the Golden Witch. If you take away the witch narrative and apply more of a Detective’s logic, you then also have to come up with an alternative explanation that conforms to human rules and human logic.

If there is no witch and no magic operating on the physical level, that means that the magic circle was materially constructed by a material entity. With the previous circle on the storehouse door, I reasoned that the six hour timeframe is more than enough for the culprit to draw it. With the second twilight. However, that timeframe has rapidly shrunken. The one that the story offers us, of less than five minutes, is plainly not feasible. Therefore, like other mysteries in this story, we’ll have to extend that window as much as possible.

We know from the chapter breaks that chapter 13 starts at 19:00. We also know that Eva and Hideyoshi are alive at this time. During the discovery of the bodies, Nanjo remarks that they have been dead for roughly an hour. This chapter doesn’t end with a clock transition, but from this we can roughly surmise that the family finds the corpses at 20:00, thereabouts. An hour is still a tight timeframe to produce a magic circle that complex, but infinitely more feasible than five minutes.

Another detail we’re given about the circle is that the paint still appears to “drip”, so assuming that to be true, an hour would still be enough time for the pain to be fresh enough to still run. Really, depending on the type of paint used, this “wet” period could last as long as two to three hours. This was obviously less of a problem for the first twilight, given that the paint was exposed to the rain the whole time and would therefore have difficulty drying. With the second twilight, this is on a door in a sheltered, likely heated, hallway. Even with upper estimates, the amount of time the paint can be visibly wet for is limited.

So what is the earliest that this could have been done? The first major hurdle that needs to be eliminated is Eva and Hideyoshi. If the circle was on the door before they entered the room, the initial assumption is that they would have reacted to this in some way. This, of course, is also predicated on Eva and Hideyoshi having minimal involvement in the witch narrative.

However, the past couple of chapters have proven that Eva and Hideyoshi are, if not producing, at the very least perpetuating the narrative. Like I thought about before, it’s likely that they’re choosing to play along as insurance to protect themselves against being caught out with their involvement in the murders of the first twilight. There’s also the sealed letter found under their door that we never get to see – perhaps these are/were some kind of written instructions on how they were to act for the rest of the weekend? An updated primer on the witch narrative to keep their story straight as the story evolves? Either way, given that, it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to imagine that they’d ignore the existence of the magic circle under instruction. After all, whatever keeps the suspicion off them works.

Where we do run into an issue is that prior to this, Natsuhi and the servants performed a full sweep of the mansion in search of Kinzo. Unlike Eva and Hideyoshi, Natsuhi is not embroiled in the witch narrative in the same way, and absolutely would have said and done something had she encountered a magic circle while searching the mansion. This means that either Natsuhi never went near the guest rooms (unlikely) or that the magic circle was painted after her search was complete and she returned to the parlor with the gun (much more likely).

If that’s the case, then that pushes the window of opportunity back by an additional hour or so. This also, ultimately, leaves us with a very small pool of suspects. In an anticlimactic fashion, these are basically the same people who were the only ones in a position to draw the magic circle on the storehouse door: Genji and Kanon.

The servants excuse themselves from the parlor early on even in spite of Natsuhi’s attempt to keep everyone in one place. Ostensibly they are in the kitchen to prepare dinner for the family. Kumasawa is shown to be the one most involved in the cooking process, only calling upon Kanon to help her plate up and serve. This gives Kanon and Genji a lot of leeway to move about the mansion and prepare things for the second twilight.

This also, by extension, puts Nanjo in a less favourable light. He spends time in the kitchen playing chess with Genji during the timeframe when he and Kanon would be coming and going. So either Nanjo was completely oblivious to this happening, or he is complicit on some level in what is going on. As always, the dilemma of Nanjo remains ever present and ever unsolvable. His positioning here only adds to the question, and helps very little in pinning anything down. Nanjo is there. This kind of makes him suspicious. It also kind of might not.

More relevantly. I want to instead examine my new prime suspect of the day. Up until now, my prevailing theory has been that Kanon has been the one behind the witch narrative, with Genji as an accomplice. This was mostly based off considering who could have been responsible for giving the first letter to Maria, and who would have the strongest motive to tear down the Ushiromiya family. However, after this chapter (and percolating on things from the last few) I am reporting that my stance has totally shifted. Genji is the orchestrator, and Kanon is the accomplice. I got it backwards.

Too much falls into place too perfectly if you consider Genji to be the “mastermind” of the operation. The bizarre coincidences with everything on Rokkenjima either being out of service or out for repairs specifically over the weekend of the conference makes a hell of a lot more sense if you consider it to be Genji’s doing. The only people who could have done this are those with any degree of authority with household management, which shrinks the circle to Kinzo, Krauss, Natsuhi, and Genji.

Natsuhi has already been eliminated from the suspect pool a million times over, so I won’t spend time repeating myself. Kinzo is too far removed from reality to care much about the specifics of sealing Rokkenjima off from the outside world (although I do have more to say on Kinzo shortly) and also he may or may not actually be alive as of this October weekend anyway. Krauss is a possibility, but him being killed during the first twilight the way he was seems to indicate that he is not involved in any higher-level machinations. Genji, however? Genji is very much perfectly placed to do this. As the defacto senior member of the household staff and as the one person on Rokkenjima who actually has Kinzo’s favour, Genji has a lot more options open to him than the self-professed humble “furniture” would have us believe.

Of all the servants, Genji is the one who can most easily move about unchallenged. Natsuhi and Krauss distrust him too much, and fear Kinzo too much, to make any serious attempts at obstructing him. Kinzo does not care enough to take that much of an interest in anything Genji does. The other servants are either beneath him or unaffiliated with him (as is the case with Gohda). Genji just is, able to go about his business while assumed to be untouchable.

Even if you were to suspect Genji of ill intent, he very effectively wields his position as a servant to deflect. Genji is one of three servants on Rokkenjima to bear the label of “furniture” – a term that is associated with being in Kinzo’s inner circle, and with being a victim of Kinzo’s abuse. For Shannon and Kanon, to be furniture is to be less than human, it is to be the servant before the person. It is to be so folded into your position of servitude that nothing else can be permitted to exist, save for your function of being at the mercy of your superiors. They are powerless teenagers trapped in a cruel situation. For Genji, though, this narrative does not quite click.

Yes, he is bound to serve Kinzo regardless of his personal will. Yes, he has almost totally given himself over to his role as a servant. Yes, he is seemingly “stuck” on Rokkenjima. But it’s not the same as Kanon and Shannon. Genji was not plucked from birth and forced into this position. He was, by all accounts, a good friend of Kinzo’s in their youth who chose to become his personal servant at some undefined point decades in the past. Genji entered into this arrangement willingly, even if the present circumstances do not necessarily match the starting conditions.

But Genji still calls himself “furniture”. He is deliberately positioning himself as part of the same class of individual as Shannon and Kanon, despite ostensibly having more in common with someone like Kumasawa. She is another elderly servant with enough leeway to get up to antics, but she does not refer to herself, or anyone, as furniture. She lacks Kinzo’s favour, but in all other measures she is equivalent to Genji. Furniture as a term used to browbeat junior servants into complacency checks out, but furniture being used to describe a man who willingly entered into the service of his once good friend does not track in quite the same way.

In an earlier chapter, Genji pulls Kanon to one side and discusses with him how they are in service of both of Rokkenjima’s masters – Kinzo and Beatrice. There is a sense that this private conversation carries with it a degree of sincerity. Genji is autonomous compared to the other servants, and yet he is still bound. This is a glaring contradiction in Genji’s psychology that continues to undermine the notion that the Beatrice narrative is all a farce put on by a cynical and crafty servant. There is a sincere notion of a belief in something underpinning the goings-on here, something that drives Genji to step further into whatever unpleasant role he is assuming.

Genji is furniture in service of his master. This statement alone reveals much of the truth we need to understand what is happening here, or at the very least cobble together a compelling theory.

What we know of Genji is that whatever he and Kinzo have goes far back into the past. There is, or was at one point, a genuine affection between the two men. The scene between the two in the study is proof of this, no matter if you subscribe to the notion of Kinzo being alive or the notion of Kinzo being dead. If Kinzo is alive, then the affection is straightforward and reciprocal if erratic. If Kinzo is dead, then Genji is evoking a mirror to feelings that are deeply true in his own heart if nowhere else. And ultimately, what Genji feels matters more than what Kinzo feels, especially for this theory.

The theory is as follows: Genji is the orchestrator of the witch narrative, and Kanon is his coerced subordinate. Where this differs from my earlier Kanon theory is that rather than try to shoehorn a reason into why Genji would so intimately know all this occult stuff in order to deploy it for the murders, I instead think that while Genji is executing this scheme, he is not the mastermind.

The mastermind of the witch narrative, and the originator of “Beatrice”, is actually Kinzo. Or, to be more technical, the ghost of Kinzo.

In order to explain this, we need to go back to the very start of the story, to the prologue scene between Kinzo, Nanjo, and Genji where all three men discuss the issue of Kinzo’s last will and his declining health. This scene has always been a little structurally weird, owing to the fact that it never really connects neatly to anything else in the story. We have no way of knowing when or why this scene happens. All we know is what, and the “what” of the scene is that Nanjo declares that Kinzo has not got long left, and that he should really get to making a will before it is too late. And Kinzo, in response, says that all he cares about is Beatrice, and he would happily throw all his family and all his possessions in the fire for one last glimpse of the Golden Witch.

One implication of this scene is that Nanjo was subtly pushing Kinzo to seek absolution for some undisclosed sin that hangs in the air. I do not think this is what happened – In Kinzo’s own words, he has no regrets. Instead, I think the shift in conversation conveys a literal truth in reasoning. Kinzo’s final choice is to offer it all up to the Demon’s Roulette for the witch. It is not that Kinzo refuses to make a will, but that he does choose to produce one, albeit on his own spiteful, warped terms.

For this to work, I firmly believe that, regardless of everything else going on, Kinzo was definitely alive in this prologue scene. This may have taken place days, weeks, even months before the 1986 family conference, and while that could be pinned down by examining certain actions taken on Rokkenjima and Krauss’s embezzlement efforts, the exact timing does not matter at this exact moment. What matters is that Kinzo formulates some kind of rotten plan before he dies.

What we know here is that Kinzo longs to see Beatrice again, and that according to Maria and the epitaph, Beatrice is in/from the Golden Land. From the few bits of information we have, we know that Beatrice is an unreal ghost-like entity, and that the Golden Land seems to be some kind of afterlife/world Beyond. Or at least the supernatural definition of Golden Land – I also believe that the gold vault is another kind of Golden Land. Glory in life, glory in death and all that.

From this, we can extrapolate that “reunion with Beatrice” is fuelled by some kind of death drive. To meet the Golden Witch in the Golden Land is to cross the threshold of death. The material world must be departed from in all its forms, otherwise there is no point. And more than this, any deaths offered during the twilights are consigned to be little more than sacrifices for Beatrice’s power.

This poses a conundrum for Kinzo. If he dies as a sacrifice, then he is very unlikely to be graced with Beatrice’s smile. If he survives the whole ordeal, there is every chance he just does not see Beatrice at all. For him to get what he wants based on what we know of how this system operates, he either needs to die before the epitaph murders, or after. We know that Beatrice is a ghost. It stands to reason that “Beatrice” would also be a ghost. In other words, I think Kinzo died at some point between the prologue scene and the family setting foot on Rokkenjima. Or at the very least, gave the total impression of death to everyone that matters. Whatever it took to put him in a position where his last will could be carried out.

A spiteful last will, designed to ruin the family that Kinzo so loathes, and to bring him closer than ever to his deranged fantasies. A scheme twofold in its purposes, one final echo of the Ushiromiya patriarch’s abuse, inflicted from a place that totally shields him against any kind of retaliation. The abusive father “exists” in the shadows, forcing everyone on the island into the role of frightened and helpless children, where adulthood and money offer no defence against the horror. The wry and scheming Eva is, in the end, as powerless as Maria in the rose garden. The witch narrative becomes a grand and cruel equaliser only interested in pain.

And, of course, for Kinzo to be the phantom behind the stage, this means that there must be somebody carrying out this violence in the material world. We are given exactly two people who would be privy to this plan of Kinzo’s, if it exists: Nanjo and Genji. Nanjo may know, but Nanjo lacks the power and influence to do much more than potentially splutter out some regurgitated nonsense about the witch narrative and maybe a lie a little about the state of crime scenes. Genji, however, has intimate knowledge of Rokkenjima and of Kinzo, and command of the household staff, including whatever control and leverage is used to keep the other “furniture” in line. One final request to an old friend, one last blood-washed sin to see it off.

The big question, of course, is why on earth Genji would do something like this. We know that there is some kind of unfathomably deep devotion towards Kinzo in spite of everything the man is. We know that, in Genji’s heart at least, there is a fondness that is one of the major components keeping him going. I don’t think it’s as literal as I’m positing, but I do think there is a sentiment towards Kinzo that Genji harbours which goes beyond servitude and friendship and into something resembling love. Be it romantic love, or some other kind of bond formed by history, companionship and proximity, I am not sure. But Genji feels strongly enough about Kinzo that he is willing to bloody his hands in this dirty business simply to fulfil his dear friend’s final wish. The nature of this bond is less important than the fact of its existence.

Genji is acting as Kinzo’s “furniture”, as a manipulated piece on a board that further manipulates pieces beneath him to adhere to the plan. Kanon, then, is trapped under a new layer of torment and abuse as Genji’s fanaticism takes centre stage. He loses his sister and dirties his hands for the sake of a dead man. He has no other option except to acquiesce, because unlike Genji Kanon does not have the luxury of saying “no”. He has nothing of his own, nowhere to go, nobody in his corner. Kanon is little more than a tool, the ultimate embodiment of the “furniture” concept. Kinzo is gone, but the power and abuse dynamics remain as alive as ever.

This is the stage of the epitaph murders. Genji, acting out a rehearsed script bestowed onto him by the evil master he will follow into the depths of hell. Kanon, forced to play deuteragonist no matter what he would rather want for himself. The other servants, the supporting cast of varying relevance. Everyone forced into carrying out Kinzo’s final wish to see his family destroyed in the name of his fleeting, warped dreams.

Keeping that in mind, let’s now try to sketch out what I think happened during the second twilight.

We already know that Eva and Hideyoshi are involved in the first twilight, be it as culprits or accomplices. As the only surviving siblings of that eventful night, they are absolutely painted in suspicion that has taken the witch narrative firing on all cylinders just to keep at bay. And even then, it was only a matter of time before Eva’s ego and the family’s reasoning would lead them to the conclusion that the two of them had some degree of involvement in the deaths of the six. And from there, that would of course lead to the witch narrative potentially being uncovered and the entire scheme falling apart. The two of them are liabilities if “Beatrice” is to have any longevity.

I do not think Eva and Hideyoshi at any point thought they were in danger. They were so secure in their innocence and survival that, after separating from the rest of the family, were willing to make plans about what would happen after the conference. Disappearing into the Maldives for a few weeks at the height of the criminal investigation into the murders indicates that at the very least, the two expect to have the means to do this. After this weekend, they will no longer be in need of a lot of money right now. All they need to do is keep up the pantomime for a few hours longer.

Even if Eva and Hideyoshi weren’t always intended to die, their performance that morning solidified that keeping them around would jeapordise the witch narrative immensely. So either Genji/Kinzo intended to betray them from the start, or this decision came about after witnessing them flail to keep their cover in the parlour. Whatever the case, their decision to break off from the group and retire to the guestroom was actually them stepping into a trap.

Depending on the timeframe of the magic circle, there can be a case made that at some point during the afternoon Genji and/or Kanon painted the door, and Eva and Hideyoshi were told to head to this room at a certain time. Perhaps they were told that staying in a room with a magic circle would make them look like survivors of an attempt on their life in a scenario akin to the stains on Natsuhi’s door, and take the heat off them in the same way as it did Natsuhi. Perhaps they didn’t think to ask questions, so long as they were confident in both their survival and their financial gain. Either that, or the magic circle was painted after they had already entered the room. Both cases are viable, and neither one detracts too much from the overall shape of events.

While Eva and Hideyoshi are in the room talking and doing all the other stuff they were doing, Genji and Kanon are almost certainly preparing the murder. This would involve taking the picks from Kinzo’s collection and painting the magic circle, depending again on the timeframe we’re working with. Either way, that first hour is spent closing the trap in.

At some point in a nebulous timejump, either Genji or Kanon enters the guestroom. Most likely this is done using the pretence of the second letter, which they may have believed contained further instructions for the rest of the conference. I also think that, going by the pattern of culpability, that the person who greets them at the door is Kanon.

The most likely scenario is that Kanon knocks on the door a short while after Eva and Hideyoshi have finished making love. Eva is found dead fully dressed on the bed, and Hideyoshi is found dead naked in the shower. I think you can extrapolate from this their final actions: Eva cleaned herself up first, and Hideyoshi was about to enter the shower when Kanon arrived.

So it is most likely Eva that let Kanon in. She does this because she believes she is not at risk of further harm, and because Kanon and Genji have the blackmail of her involvement in the first twilight over her head. With no choice but to receive further instruction, Eva opens up the guestroom.

In order to kill them, Kanon likely serves Eva and Hideyoshi something poisoned. This was most likely prepared by Genji using whatever poison Krauss and Gohda used in the first twilight. Ironically, the paranoid Eva would not have thought to detect any poison at this stage, and will die of the exact thing she taunted Shannon and Natsuhi about earlier in the story.

After serving them the poison and having some kind of interaction with them, Kanon most likely leaves the scene. What follows next is that Eva chooses to lie on the bed, while Hideyoshi enters the shower. The poison takes hold and kills them a short time after that, leaving them in the positions the others would later find them in.

At this point, Kanon and Genji would likely return to the scene with a drill and the picks to dress up the murder scene with occult accessories. Their heads are drilled through, the picks inserted, and the letter placed under the door. Then, via whatever method achieved such a thing, they lock the room from the inside with the chain and left the scene.

An amount of time passes here where Kanon and Genji help to prepare dinner and dispose of the leftover evidence. At around eight, as we see in the chapter, they return to the guestroom to complete the charade. Genji knocks on the door, receives no reply, and then he and Kanon “discover” the letter. To keep up the illusion, Genji and Kanon return to the kitchen in a panic. Kanon and Kumasawa seek out bolt cutters, while Genji and Nanjo return to the guestroom.

Once Kanon and Kumasawa return to the guestroom with the bolt cutters, they “discover” the magic circle. Kumasawa acts shocked, but it cannot be discounted that this is also part of the act. Whatever the case, the magic circle has been here for some time, and only now is Kanon permitted to acknowledge it. Kanon then unlocks the door chain with the bolt cutters, making quick work of whatever method allowed the room to be sealed in the first place, and Eva and Hideyoshi’s corpses are “discovered” in their final occult resting positions. This is, I believe, the overall gist of the second twilight.

The major question that lingers is “how was the locked room constructed”, something for which there is no answer at this stage. The major outlier with the second twilight concerns the drilled heads. Unlike the poison, this is not something that could have been passively set in motion before the locked room’s construction. We also know that there was nobody in the room except for Eva and Hideyoshi, so it’s not like somebody could have stayed in there and done the drilling after the room was locked up.

There is also not really enough time for Eva and Hideyoshi’s heads to be drilled after the room was unlocked, either. Even if that was somehow managed, the issue of hiding and disposing of the drill becomes much harder than my earlier theory. Ultimately, while I could tie myself in knots trying to pin down the locked room, I don’t think the “how” is too important. We already know the who and the why, and changing the how doesn’t change either of these factors.

So, to sum up: Eva and Hideyoshi were killed by Kanon and Genji as part of the witch narrative. This was done first via poison, and then via posthumous mutilation. The servants took advantage of the nebulous timeframe to set the scene, and then pretended to discover the crime an hour after the fact. This was done under Genji’s instruction following a plan most likely sketched out by Kinzo in advance, carried through out of some kind of sick and doomed devotion. Case kind of mostly closed.

What now? Eva and Hideyoshi were the loose end of the first twilight. There are no such ends this time. Just the culprit and his accomplices. Kanon and Kumasawa are not liabilities in the way the other two were, so the next twilight will most likely not occur under similar circumstances. There aren’t any hostile actors left in the Ushiromiya family, either. Just Natsuhi and Nanjo and the cousins.

It is very hard to see what circumstances would breed the next murder under the current conditions. With the death of Eva and Hideyoshi, a kind of equilibrium is reached.

However, one thing worth noting is that the third twilight makes no reference to murder. All it asks is for Beatrice’s noble name to be praised. In more plain terms, this may equate to a kind of acknowledgement of the witch’s existence among the survivors. Perhaps the aftermath of this murder starts to genuinely convince people of Beatrice’s existence, and this “praising” leads to a schism between those left standing that breeds new conflict.

Perhaps the praising marks a threshold point where Beatrice can now for real start interacting with the world, growing more and more capable with each sacrifice. Perhaps we will see the witch narrative scheme fall off the rails in favour of the real murderwitch in action. I don’t know. There are a lot of directions the story could go from this point.

But let’s see how the pieces fall first before we start doom forecasting again. There is another lull between twilights to digest, and more non-murder based mysteries to consider. Let’s see what’s next.

[yallalreadyknowitsunderale]

Stupid Rambling/theory I guess

Kris and their Soul

Something that I don’t think I’ve ever seen discussed when analyzing Kris’ behavior in deltarune is that, when Kris removes their soul from their body, they gain full control of their body yes, but it might be at the expense of their compassion

What if, when Kris is soulless, we assume that they are similar to Flowey in Undertale. They are incapable of feeling (or find it extremely difficult to feel) compassion for others. The rules might work differently, but the soul is still referred to as “the font of our compassion” in Deltarune’s world (although in context this is just speculation, not a hard fact)

That’s not to say Kris is a bad person, I think it’s the exact opposite. I think Kris is inherently good natured, but I think a lot of their more out there behavior might make more sense if you consider the idea that some of those decisions might have been made when they lacked their soul.

I think a good example is the intermission between Chapters 1 and 2

In between Chapters 1 and 2, Kris remorselessly eats the entire pie that Toriel left out to cool for them to share

But then, not even ten seconds later, if you make Kris take five dollars out of Asriel’s dresser drawer, five dollars that have probably been sitting there for months and clearly doesn’t mean all that much, Kris feels so bad about it that the language makes explicit that they are reluctant to do this and intend to pay Asriel back

But then, Kris later slashes the tires on Toriel’s car.

The key difference between these 3 actions though, is whether or not Kris is in possession of their soul

We don’t know why or how Kris knows what to do when they remove their soul, but a common theme is that the actions they take are actions that require a lack of compassion. Kris is not the kind of person who would slash their mother’s tires under normal circumstances, but if they are incapable of caring, that changes.

And I think this logic can apply to other strange things about Kris’ behavior.

My personal belief at current is that Kris, for some reason, has been living without a soul for a very long time. Maybe their entire life prior to Deltarune.

Noelle, despite being so close to Kris that they know each other better than anybody, repeatedly comments that she doesn’t even know if she and Kris are even friends.

Kris has apparently never even said it out LOUD before

Without a soul, maybe Kris was just unable to understand why that would be important to mention. Maybe because of their lack of a soul, despite how close the two became, Kris could never truly connect with Noelle on an emotional level. They couldn’t FEEL for her, no matter how much they tried.

Kris is also repeatedly surprised whenever Susie assumes that they don’t like her.

Kris is never scared of Susie’s threats, and might have just assumed they were playing around.

Kris might have not even realized that Susie was trying to hurt them. If they’re the kind of person who has trouble feeling or understanding empathy (without their soul, I mean) Susie’s words might not have had any impact on them. They just. Didn’t understand. They COULDN’T understand.

At the end of chapter 2’s weird route, the thing that Noelle distinctly points out as the most abnormal thing about Kris’ behavior is that they keep visiting her dad in the hospital. Rudy himself is surprised that Kris came to visit him in the hospital.

It’s not as if Kris never visits the hospital, they do, very often in fact, to play the shitty piano

It is specifically going out of their way to see Rudy that’s strange. And I think it could be inferred that it’s strange for Kris to do this because that is an act of pure compassion.

Kris might just not have been able to understand why it would be important to visit Rudy in the hospital.

Before chapter 1, Kris seemingly doesn’t talk to anybody other than their mom, they don’t do much of anything except go to school and come back home, they don’t really have any friends, their side of the room is completely empty, not from neglect by their family but because Kris seemingly didn’t care to have anything at all.

A lot of people have wondered why Kris’ actions at the end of a normal and weird route are the same despite Kris clearly being horrified and afraid of the player’s actions, and I think the explanation is right there. They remove their soul before they take those actions. They have removed the part of themself that feels these things.

And I think Kris is slowly realizing that they don’t want to live this way anymore.

In Chapter 1, Kris is repeatedly described as looking bored, or like they don’t care. Their dialogue options are incredibly basic at best and distinctly annoyed sounding at worst. They give off the impression that they want all of this to be over as soon as possible.

But in Chapter 2, their responses are starting to become more playful, they’re becoming more personally expressive, they’re enjoying the time they’re spending with their friends.

And I don’t think Kris wants to have to choose between their compassion and their autonomy.

I think it’s important to remember that Flowey was initially so depressed from his inability to love or care about anybody that he tried to erase himself from the world.

I think this is one of the things that’s so scary for Kris. It’s not just about control, it’s about becoming whole again.

[kagekitsuneoflight]

Actually there is a very good reason why Gilgamesh hates Shirou. And it’s not a “I’m an arrogant bastard. I don’t need a reason to hate this boy trying to claw his way to my level.”

In Fate/Extra CCC, we get to have Gilgamesh as our servant. He’s exactly the nightmare you imagine him to be. He makes fun of you for being poor. He genuinely starts to cry when he sees the state of the player character’s (named Hakuno) wallet. He will follow your commands, but if you screw up in commanding him, he will make sure you know it. He’s the highest maintenance bitch to exist. Entertain him Hakuno. Go on. Struggle. Fight for your right to live. He’ll kill you if you mess up. He’ll strip down naked to prove a point.

Yet despite Hakuno objectively being more useless than Shirou, being an AI who only just gained personhood, who was supposed to be deleted and die… Gilgamesh’s sacrifices 90% of his treasury to save them! He gives up 90% of all of humanity’s treasures!! For an AI who can only do a handful of spells granted by a mystic code!!! Who’s just figuring out this who personhood thing!!! Even Shirou at the start of his series could do more than this computer program.

Fate/Extra CCC gives us this important insight to Gilgamesh. He values people who are true to themselves. No matter how weak or useless, he adores seeing a genuine person, who does not hide who they are.

Tokiomi bent over backwards to please Gilgamesh in a way he thought that Gilgamesh would want, to be the person he thought Gilgamesh would like, even if it was not who Tokiomi truly was. So of course Gilgamesh was insufferable. He hates being bossed around and you SHOULD be respectful to him. But Tokiomi dealt with a bored Gilgamesh who sought his entertainment elsewhere, because he knew that Tokiomi wasn’t being genuine. Kotomine, on the other hand, just needed a gentle push to finally embrace who he truly was, and Gilgamesh was amused watching Kotomine. But even then, he never truly held Gilgamesh’s favor. Because Kotomine couldn’t grow. Gilgamesh sacrifices nothing of value for Kotomine.

Kotomine never got to learn about Gilgamesh’s Thrilling Splash Time, the all-weather indoor water park he had once planned out. It’s Hakuno! He whines that he wants to swim, and they suggest the school pool, and Gilgamesh is mildly offended at the suggestion, calling it a ‘seedy water tank’. And then proceeds to spend an unspecified, but not a short time, explaining just how amazing his Thrilling Splash Time is.

So how does this tie into Shirou? Well, it’s simple. Gilgamesh says as much. Shirou is a Faker. He based his entire identity around fulfilling his dead adoptive father’s dream. To be a Hero of Justice. He’s snarky and rude in his mind, but outwardly he’s that friendly classmate you have. Sure you’re not exactly best friends, but if you’re in a spot of trouble, he’s definitely someone who could help. He’s good at archery, but it’s not something he likes. People can argue that he doesn’t really have a hobby outside of cooking. Everything is about becoming a Hero of Justice.

But he does truly care about people! In the VN, he was ready to kill Shinji when he found out Shinji was the one putting all their classmates in danger by stealing their life force after all. But we’ve seen how he will put his borrowed dream over his relationships when it really matters.

Shirou’s projection ability also REALLY hammers this point down. He can copy any weapon he sees, with a few exceptions. He steals and borrows and uses them. And truthfully, he never gets permission. He never asks. He’s never asked. Just like with his dream, he takes those legendary weapons and makes them his own, though he was never asked to. He never asked for them.

Gilgamesh sees Shirou for what he is. He’s taken bits and pieces of others and stuffed it within himself with hardly an effort to make it his own. And to Gilgamesh, this it’s infuriating. He loves when humans are themselves and honest and to see this boy with a stolen dream wielding stolen legends, stolen pride (because keep in mind. A Noble Phantasm is a symbol of a hero’s pride), he cannot help but be infuriated. Who was this boy, this faker, who dares claim to be a Hero of Justice when it is not even his own dream?!

As the King of Heroes, the First Hero, he absolutely cannot let this stand! He, Gilgamesh, is allowed to use those symbols of pride as projectiles. He is the King of those owners of pride. It is within his rights. Yet.

He never truly uses another’s Noble Phantasm, does he? He doesn’t grasp their pride and use it as his own.

Shirou does.

[redd956]

Imposter Syndrome & Writing

Oh that pesky imposter syndrome! Many of us know her whether we like it or not. Although I don’t have as bad anxiety as others do in this regard, imposter syndrome can try to come for us all, and hits a lot of us creative types the hardest. I know some nights it hits me too, and I completely forget about all my favorite work, and fixate on my worst.

Have you heard your inner speech say any of this:

“My writing just isn’t good enough for others to enjoy”

“Why isn’t my online activity as good as others?”

“Oh they’re better than me...and younger...”

“I or my writing isn’t interesting enough”

Well I have news for you that was likely imposter syndrome speaking, or anxiety, or depression or- You get the point.

Overcoming & Lowering Writing Anxiety

Kicking imposter syndrome to the curb isn’t easy, and it isn’t really permanent either. We as humans have a hard time with comparing everything to everything, and that includes ourselves to other writers. Which is the primary problem. Here’s some popular tactics to help tackle anxiety and self doubt in writing.

What’s a real writer?

Gatekeeping is a problem among all groups of creatives. For awhile growing up I most saw it as digital artist “aren’t” the real artist. Writers struggle with gatekeeping in the community frequently too. This has become so prevalent some have taken the negative voices of gatekeeping and subconsciously ingrained it into themselves. 

So let I remind you, you are a writer if you

Write

Don’t Write but want to

Are trying to write

Create stories

It doesn't really matter what you write, you’re a writer if you have the will to be. Telling yourself and acknowledging that what you write doesn’t devolve you as a writer is a tremendous first step.

You’re not alone

As said before creatives of all types, including hundreds of writers are suffering from imposter syndrome. It’s valid to feel such a way, and acknowledging those feelings can also help. Don’t oversaturate yourself though. Even best-selling authors experience imposter syndrome, or get discourage by comparing themselves to fellow writers. You can not turn into another writer, because you will always be yourself as a writer.

What you’ve done up til now/Perfectionism

Often times in the boughs of imposter syndrome people become blind to their hard work, or begin to feel like everything they’ve done up til now is pointless. Which completely negates that others better or on their level have gone through most if not all of the same hard work.

All because we aren’t the best all the time doesn’t mean our hard work and talent is invalid. Seeking perfection is impossible. Every good artist has thousands of throw aways, deletes, messed up layers, balled up paper, and more. The same goes for writers. I even frequently post my bad, as it forces me to accept that I’ve created it and it’s a thing.

My bad doesn’t invalidate my good. Just like how you on your bad days doesn’t define your entire personality. To accept the bad in creativity is important, and I greatly suggest keeping all your ideas now matter how trash. You might find your future skills or mentality will be ready to take it all on again in the future.

One way I’ve done this, and a popular writing hack at that is to keep a writing journal and refuse to delete half-written or poorly written pieces. Editing and rewriting is okay as long as you don’t over do it, and find yourself rewriting the same thing over and over again. It will never be perfect, and accepting that is one of the most helpful things we as writers can do.

[choicesficwriterscreations]

June MC of the Month: Dr. Casey MacTavish Carrick

Please welcome our fifth MC of the month! Each month, we will highlight one MC or OC that is currently on our Meet My MC / OC List. The MC / OC is selected randomly on the Wheel of Names, and eligibility requirements can be found here. We accept MC / OC profiles on an ongoing basis. Please feel free to send yours in!

This month's MC of the month is...

@jerzwriter's Casey MacTavish Carrick.

Learn more about Casey and her creator, Elsa, below.

In your words, tell us what you like most about your MC. 

There are many things I love about Casey. First and foremost, she’s genuine.  What you see is what you get; she has no time for games or being fake.  She wears her heart on her sleeve, and even though that has burned her in the past, she refuses to allow it to change the person is.  She’s passionate about her beliefs and does not back down.  She is very serious when she needs to be - at work, when dealing with a crisis, or engaged in activism - but in her personal life, she’s playful, quirky, and not afraid to make an idiot out of herself (or others) to have some fun.  She really tries to live every day to its fullest, even when it’s difficult to do so.  

Do you feel your MC is like you at all? How are you alike or different?

In some ways, yes; in others, no. We’re both passionate about our beliefs and fight for them. We were both activists from a young age, and that's an important part of our lives. We try not to take life too seriously and to enjoy the journey more than the destination. And the people we love mean more to us than anything else. most. 

However, Casey has her shit together to a level I have never been able to achieve. lol She’s a doctor, and I barely passed my science classes. And her husband is FAR superior to any of my exes (if I had what she does, I'd make sure they never became exes). lol What can I say? Fictional men written by women are just better. 

What is most important to your MC? What is their motivation in life?

People matter the most to her. It was her motivation for going into medicine and what has driven her activism.  She can’t witness problems and gross inequity and not attempt to do something to solve them. She believes if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. 

She almost lost her mother as a young child, and she almost lost her own life as a resident, and again in her 30s, so she values every day and lives with the understanding that we all have expiration dates.  There is no day but today - and she uses that to push herself. 

Her career is very important to her, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the people she loves.  She is fiercely loyal, and when she loves someone, she loves them for life.  Tobias and their girls are her world, and they have plenty of family - real and found - surrounding them.  

Casey wants to leave the world better than it was when she entered it.  She has worked tirelessly for equity for all. As a proud bisexual woman, she has fought for women's and LGBTQ rights. Growing up in a diverse community, in a city that has residents living in both extreme poverty and excessive wealth, she loathes inequality. As such, racial and social justice issues, as well as equal access to healthcare are important issues to her. She is appalled that people die in one of the wealthiest nations in the world simply because they don’t have insurance.  That becomes her biggest mission. 

What are their biggest pet peeves/dislikes? 

Pretentiousness. She’s not a fan of affluence, and she's automatically suspicious of people who have too much. That’s a struggle for her and Tobias initially because he is extremely wealthy. It took a lot of work, and some changes and compromises, for them to rectify that.

Intolerance. People who feel the need to control how others live their lives incense her. She has no use for people who espouse racist, misogynistic, and homophobic views.

Hypocrisy and phoniness.  She’s a genuine soul, and she expects the same in return.  She can usually sense when someone is inauthentic, and she will do her best to keep such people out of her inner circle.  

If your MC could change one thing - anything - what would it be? 

She would change the world.  She would rid it of many -isms. More than anything, she’d like to see a world where people are truly judged by the content of their character, not by their race, gender, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic standing.  She knows the world is an unfair place, and it’s distressing to know how it is almost impossible to change it, but it doesn’t mean she won’t try.  But, if she were given a magic wand, she knows exactly what she’d do with it. 

What is your MC’s favorite quote or song?

“Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.” - Bell Hooks - This is her guiding principle.  Love is not a noun, it’s a verb, and when we love people or things, we need to give them our full commitment and dedication.  One cannot be lazy about love. To whom much is given, much will be required (Luke 12:48) Although she was raised in the Catholic faith, Casey really had no use for organized religion and considered herself agnostic by the time she met Tobias.  Three things made her begin to believe in something greater: her near death after the chemical attack, the love she shares with Tobias, and the birth of their first child, Samantha.  She NEVER becomes a bible thumper, nor does she believe there is one "true" religion. She considers herself more spiritual than religious, but this bible quote resonates with her.  Especially after she and Tobias were sure they would share a future together.  Given his level of wealth, she insisted this would be how they would live and raise their daughters. She has a zillion favorite songs, but the four songs that she and Tobias selected for their wedding will forever hold a special place in her heart.  They are All of Me by John Legend, Spend My Life With You by Eric Benet, Every Time I Close My Eyes by Babyface, and You Make Me Feel Brand New by The Stylistics.  Is there anything else you’d like to share about your MC: (It can be why you created them, how they’ve inspired you, or you could write a little blurb as if it is coming from your MC - an acceptance speech. :) ) 

Casey’s sunny demeanor leads most who don’t know her well to believe she has had a charmed life.  But that's not true. Casey made a decision to have a bright outlook - whenever possible - because of the struggles she faced.  Nearly losing her mother at a young age, seeing her family struggle under the mountain of medical debt, and coming to terms with her sexuality were all defining moments of her younger years…. And each one played a part in the anxiety that remains an issue for her throughout her life.  These struggles all left scars but also helped her become the woman she is today. 

Her unlikely romance with Tobias Carrick faced challenges at first, but once they realized that they both accepted that they had found “the one,” they were all in for life. They’re alike in many ways… outgoing, flirtatious, full of life, and, yeah, horny. Lol, But their differences complimented each other.  Tobias is so self-assured, and he helps Casey build her confidence.  Casey’s authenticity helps Tobias get in touch with his authentic self, and together, they live their very best lives.

To learn more about Case, please see her character bio and Casey & Tobias's masterlist.

[fayewongfuzao]

[TRANSLATION] Harper's Bazaar Hong Kong, March 2001

Faye Wong’s ‘I do what I want’ demeanor might give one an untouchable feeling that is so high it can’t be reached. She even projects an image of being a thousand miles away. But is this only an 'image’ or is it the truth?

Facing the pressure of the media who often distorts stories of celebrities’ private lives, does she have to directly put her feelings, her happiness, and her sadness in everyone’s faces? Is this the responsibility of a public figure? Perhaps in her own self-protecting way, like anyone else, hidden in her is a heart full of passion.

Maybe this interview will allow us to see what Faye Wong’s deep thoughts are.

About fashion/image…

Do you think you are beautiful?

I never use the word “beautiful” to describe anything to do with myself. I understand that everyone has different definitions for this word. But for me, I don’t even use this word to describe some people that I like very much. Maybe “beauty” feels too external to me! If the individual is attractive to me, it is beyond the level of “beauty”.

The media often lauds you for being a stylish singer. Every time you appear in public, your looks are often reported on by the media. What is your opinion on this? Are you bored by it?

I always try to be indifferent to any media reports. But there is no denying that when your image or appearance is appreciated or recognized by others, I believe it’s not hard to accept! However, I think these media reports are just gimmicks. They are really meaningless and will not cause me any emotional distress.

Do you think that as a singer, your clothing style and image shouldn’t be manipulated by a stylist?

Not only singers, but even ordinary people. If our appearance is only manipulated by stylists, it wouldn't be gratifying. The person who knows yourself best is always yourself. If you only allow outsiders to guide you on how to dress, then your own style will be completely lost. At least I would feel uncomfortable. I firmly believe that no matter how much an image is designed, the most basic truth should be based on personality. What’s the point if you can’t even understand yourself!?

Do you have any fashion designers you admire or love?

Never thought about this. Basically, I start with the “garments”. I rarely buy a certain designer’s design every season just because of my love for them. The most important thing depends on whether their seasonal works [collections] can meet my personal preferences.

From the days of  "Wong Jing Man", your image was “ordinary” at the beginning, and now you are recognized as a person with outstanding style. How did you cultivate such a unique personal taste?

I have never tried to cultivate any unique style. Are you speaking of the changes from my debut to the present? I believe that everyone will inevitably go through different changes as they mature. From beginning to end, what I wore was purely out of my different preferences at different times, and I never cared about the likes and dislikes of the public.

Do you think the public is more interested in your image or your music?

There are two aspects.  For example, for some who love to listen to my songs, one day I might wear some clothes that do not suit their “eyes”, but I believe they will still support my music. It is also possible that some people loved my style and started trying to get familiar with my music and fell in love with the songs I sang. For me, it doesn’t really matter which way they start [as fans].

About the media…

What do you think about the media in Hong Kong?

Compared with Hong Kong, the Taiwanese media gave me a “quiet” feeling. Gossip news is inevitable. But it is obviously not as severe [as Hong Kong]. The Hong Kong media pays particular attention to the development in this area and it has even become a common practice. Local competition is fierce, so they often have to “win by a surprise move” [aggressive tactics].  But in fact, there is fierce competition everywhere! Why is it only the Hong Kong media [that does this]? I am not denying the need for this type of reporting. But it does seem to be too widespread now and it has reached the point of “going overboard”!

Often harassed by paparazzi, it seems that you have lost your private life! It may be as simple as eating a bowl of wonton noodles and the media will make an exaggerated and inaccurate report so that it becomes another “drama” to entertain the audience. How do you feel about this? Is it tiring?

In these circumstances, the only thing you can do is try your best to protect your privacy. I can only look a little bit at these false reports! I believe that the audience and readers just smile after seeing these reports, so why take it too seriously? Besides, its purpose is only to entertain the public. I know how to separate it from my private life.

Is the price of fame worth it?

There is certainly a price. To become a public figure, you have to face the curiosity of the public, and naturally you will be affected by these curiosities. I understand this and it is human nature, but I don’t think that because of this reason, I need to lose all privacy. This is not my responsibility. If the media and the general public think that just because I am a celebrity that I “should” have no privacy, then it is a very wrong idea.  I believe they should also adopt an open attitude towards their own comments and criticisms.

If you have the opportunity to choose again from the beginning, would you rather choose the fame you have today or just be an ordinary person?

There is no choice! Even if you start from scratch, it will only go with the flow. Actually, everything that happened, I didn’t “choose” it, maybe it’s fate…

About myself…

What is your goal in life? Is it everything you obtained now?

I hope that in any environment and situation, I can be carefree and at peace. Actually, this is very difficult to achieve. I am only trying to learn the principles of being a human being from every moment.  

Was it your childhood wish to be a singer?

It was not. I never thought about becoming a professional singer. But I loved to sing since I was a child. It was an inevitable thing.

Do you love making movies?

Actually, sometimes I don’t have much confidence in acting. But at the same time, I am strongly interested. The situation is very contradictory. So I will only take a film if I have enough confidence. Singing is always more natural for me.

Ever wondered what you would do if you were not a singer?

Never thought about it. I am not a person with a long-term plan, so I am more comfortable going with the flow.

Do you like living in Hong Kong? Or is there another place you want to settle down?

It has been 13 years since I have settled in Hong Kong. It has been a long time and I have become accustomed to everything that happened in Hong Kong. And in the future, I hope that I will not settle in only one place….Hong Kong… or Paris which I love… That’s what I hope!

At the present moment, what do you think is the most important thing in life?

Same as what everyone else wants every moment: carefree mind and healthy body.

Are you satisfied with your current life?

Satisfied. Actually, I have a lot now, so I should be satisfied! The only other thing is hoping that oneself can be better. What I mean here is not wealth or career, but spiritual experience and pleasure…I just hope that I can “practice” this better. Right!

[theawkwardanglophile]

Chenford + "Lucy saw you propose to Ashley!"

“You’re lucky I’m so loyal to you.”

Tim looked up from the coffee he’d been sipping at his desk to see Angela scowling at him. “Good morning to you, too. Why exactly am I lucky?”

“Lucy came to me last night wanting to know how to put a curse on someone. After some expert-level prodding, imagine my surprise to find out she wanted to put the curse on you.”

Tim nearly choked on his coffee. “Me?”

Angela crossed her arms over her chest. “Lucy saw you propose to Ashley! Ring any bells? Wedding bells, perhaps?”

Tim rolled his eyes. “It was a prank! She knows it was a prank. I was just messing with her since she’d been on my case all day about whether or not I was going to propose to Ashley.”

“Were you going to?”

“No! We’re not ready for anything like that. Besides, it doesn’t matter because Ashley told me last night she never wants to get married…or have kids.”

“And what did you say?”

Tim shook his head. “Nothing. We’re fine, and still going to Hawaii.”

“Then you’re a bigger idiot than I thought.”

“Excuse me?”

“Tim, you’ve told me more than once how you want to be married again someday, and finally have the kids you weren’t able to have with Isabel. So why are you settling with this woman? And why would you create a fake proposal when you knew it would bother Lucy?”

Tim's eyes shot up at his friend. What was she talking about? Lucy was just having fun messing with him all day yesterday, that’s all. Right? “I didn’t know it would bother Lucy. Why would it? Pranks are our thing. We’ve been pranking each other for years.”

Angela pointed a finger at him. “Id…i…ot.”

Tim wasn’t an idiot, but he refused to let himself go down the thought path Angela was trying to steer him toward.

Shaking her head, she added quietly, “You didn’t see the hurt in her eyes, Tim. It really shook her up. I don’t think she expected to be so affected by it but she was. And if I were you, I’d give some serious thought about whether Ashley is who you truly want to be with, or if there might not be a better option closer than you think.”

“It’s…not like that, Angela. It could never be like that.”

She patted his arm. “Just make sure before you make any final decisions. You deserve to be happy, Tim. Don’t settle just because it’s the easy thing to do. That’s not you. Got it?”

Tim could only nod, a little overwhelmed by everything she’d said. 

“Alright, that’s all I’ve got. Back to work, Sergeant.”

As she began to walk away, Tim called out, “Sooo…no curse, then?”

She turned back, smiling deviously. “Nope, no curse, not yet anyway.”

Tim shuddered, reminded once again of Angela’s dark side. He looked at his watch, knowing that he needed to get a move on, but his head was stuffed full of thoughts, mostly of a beautiful brunette that had weaseled her way into his heart and managed to become the most important person in his life, and wondering what exactly he was going to do about it.

[umlewis]

Every Traveler Needs to Try Lewis Hamilton's Hotel Hacks [part 1/2]

The F1 driver has mastered the art of resetting his body clock and getting comfortable on the road.

Lewis Hamilton first stepped into the Mercedes-AMG Petronas car over a decade ago. Before his signing, Mercedes was struggling to produce as a team, but with the young, cunning Brit behind the wheel, things changed. Since then, Hamilton has scored the record for most wins, pole finishes, and podium finishes in the most competitive motorsport in the world. No matter how gifted the athlete, leading the pack like that doesn’t come solely through natural ability, and the driver has found a formula for success that follows him across the globe. Men’s Journal spoke with Hamilton on how he prepares to drive circuits he’s never seen before at speeds over 200 miles per hour, his favorite cross-training activities, and the travel routines that keep him at the front of the pack.

Men's Journal: F1 Las Vegas Grand Prix has a start time of 10p.m. PT. How are you prepping for a night race—any hacks? Lewis Hamilton: Preparing to drive a new track means as much simulation work as possible to get a feel for the course. I have two full days that I’ll do in the sim before I land in Vegas. It’s important to adjust your internal clock, so before we get to Nevada, the team is spending some time in Los Angeles. I’m already adjusting my mornings to waking up and going to bed later to fit with the schedule of a night race. I’m also making sure my meals and nutrition intake fits the new schedule. The key is adjusting the light I’m taking in—using different bulbs with different brightness so I can maintain a good circadian rhythm. Since we travel so much, I always make sure the rooms we’re staying in have blackout curtains so I can get a deep sleep at any hour. I like to keep the room cool, which makes the bed more welcome. The bed itself is also crucial, I like a firm pillow because I like to sleep on my side. The ones I have at home are Tempur-Pedic. Do you struggle with sleep? I’ve never been a great sleeper. For years I would go to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning and sleep for about five hours. But, to be honest, that worked for me, because our days are leading up to the the main event, which is later in the afternoon. So if I wake up at 5 in the morning, I’m probably peaking a lot earlier in the day than if I wake up at 8. So I’m sticking with waking up later, though these days I’m trying to get more like seven hours of sleep a night. The Mercedes Benz team has a partnership with Marriott Bonvoy and The Ritz-Carlton, which seems like a smart one given how much you travel. How do you make a hotel feel like a home away from home? One of the most important amenities is a coffee machine in the room, because I like to have coffee when I wake up on race day or any day for that matter. I love to play music, it calms me so I’ll have my music equipment in the room as well. I have a keyboard that folds in half so it’s easier to travel with. I really want that hotel space to feel like home. The Marriott team takes that to another level, and sometimes they’ll even have a picture of my dog, Roscoe, on the nightstand. It’s also about what I have them take out of the room. I have them take out all the snacks and anything from the minibar, because when you're working strange hours your body can crave comfort. The easiest way to get that is from food, so I want to eliminate any temptation I might have to deal with later. Instead, I’ll make sure the fridge is filled with healthy snacks like fruit. What’s the most challenging part about being a Formula 1 driver? The Formula 1 season is very challenging for all the drivers. We're going to 24 different countries, maybe more throughout the year, sitting in planes all the time. Rest and recovery is a huge part of making sure we're on point when it comes to showing up to the races ready. There's an immense amount of travel involved. My mindset is greatly benefitted by meditation, so I try to prioritize it. I don’t always get to, and I can feel the difference, but the schedule can get very hectic. I always do better when I can put that focus into my mental game. I like to start my day with positive affirmations, no matter what state I’m in, and focus on the things I want to do. That’s where things like playing music comes in handy. Competing has become very serious business, and we work hard, perhaps too hard. There’s immense benefit to smiling to the body and mind. Exercise is also a great way to help me stay sharp, on top of being critical to succeeding in motorsports.