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irkenheretic · 4 years

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okay i promised id do it and im doing it: Explaining The Plot Of That AU I’m Vague About: The Post

(as i was preparing to write this i actually got my 250th follower, which slapped)

so i’m just gonna start with the simple version, which is this: it’s a rebel AU which primarily centers around the tallest, who are both defective. they give up on trying to make any meaningful changes as figureheads, and instead direct their attention to being involved with the “neo defect revolution,” or NDR. they do manage to make one change as tallest- there is a garbage dump planet turned into a sanctuary for defectives (who in this au are executed once discovered,) and eventually enough of the populace finds out about it that the tallest have to deal with it. they finesse their way into kicking it out of the empire, so now it’s its own planet with its own rules, governments, and most importantly, immigration policies and protections

a lot of stuff happens and it’s gonna be structured using arcs, and each arc has a separate protagonist/deuteragonist/tritagonist lineup (but that doesnt mean the same lineup won’t be used multiple times!) and yes the insane list of OCs are for this au alone: some arcs are very OC-centric, some have OCs as supporting characters, and a couple are all-OC or mostly-OC.

its going to be very longform and it’ll span from the tallest’s elite training days to twenty years after zim arrives on earth. (the 20 year gap btwn zim arriving on earth and the story proper isnt as tightly plotted as later tho.) the point is to see how a revolution on the scale of the NDR works, who was fucked over by defact laws, who was fucked over by other laws, etc. theres a lot of lore and a lot of headcanons i made for this AU and even a conlang. i am a being of hubris. itll be a series of fics, some multichapter and some oneshots.

the series as a whole is gonna be called Invader Zim: Annexed or just Annexed for short. its a pun on an irken word that sounds similar but means the exact opposite. i am not explaining more bc itll be explained in the fic itself. but thats why the tag for it is #anx lmao

i didnt mean for this to be as long as it got but under the cut im gonna breakdown some of the early arcs:

so it all starts with a fanfic called Love Is The H-Word (no the “h-word” isn’t “hell.) it centers around red and purple as elites-in-training, who do a little whoopsie and have an egg. purple doesnt wanna smuggle it into a smeetery, bc then he’ll never see it again, so they go to the defect sanctuary (still a part of the empire at this point.) purple knows he’s defective while red has a hard time accepting that he is as well, due to events from his past. but being around all these other defects are starting to wear down his denial, and the fic is all about that. it also sets up some plot stuff, like how defects adopted a self-identifier in the word “heretic,” hence the sanctuary being named, “heretirk.” (hey look my url!) (no, the “h-word” is not heretic, either.)

i dont wanna say what happens in that fic bc spoilers, but stuff Happens. its also when we meet some ocs that end up being important, and the existence of others are foreshadowed. this is also where we meet the tallests’ future advisor, rarl kove, for the first time, as a local who decides to keep them company. purple bonds with kove due to their shared interest in politics, while red reluctantly bonds with titch, a young irken (a smeet in heretirken standards, an adult in imperial standards- did i mention he and red are roughly the same age? lol) who is interested in military stuff and thrill-seeking and general destruction. titch is pissed because he claims his father is stealthing on devastis as a military commander, but won’t let titch sneak in as a soldier, as titch is deaf.

(fun facts: in the au, “titch” is regional slang for “a little bit.” ironically, titch the character is above-average in height.)

due to titch’s deafness, he developed “gesturespeak,” irken sign language, so he can communicate. this existing becomes important later

a oneshot called invade the system is right after h-word in publishing order. it details zim’s exploits in leaving foodcourtia, where he was assigned and infiltrating the invading academy he eventually graduates from (in this au, zim is too short to be an invader, which sucks because the hight minimums for the military are really short to begin with lmao)

the fic chronoligically after H-Word focuses on red and purple being back in their platoon on devastis, specifically red navigating his training and his relationships with two defective platoonmates, pon and zi (who are in h-word a little,) after the realization that he too is defective. it also focuses on how the irken military works, and how they train their soldiers.

the first arc overall focuses on red and purple going thru training and such, and ends after they graduate and are on the field, working to get commander rank. (they planned to gain commander rank then leave and go back to heretirk to train an army there, as heretirk has.... no army.) in the middle of this, they’re pulled out and told they are to become the next tallest. they debate over staying and taking the job or just running to heretirk, and they ultimately decide to stay.

the next arc i call the “bridge,” tbh. its less tightly plotted than the other arcs; fics are spread apart from each other chronologically and all that. it spans the time after the tallest being appointed to a little after zim arrives on earth. it also has a couple of anthologies focusing on imperial defects- each chapter is a new character. these guys are all important and the easiest way for me to introduce their backstories without cluttering everything up is anthology style, lmao. other things that happen are a look into how the tallest work, eventually culminating with the resolution of the tallest having to Deal With Heretirk, tenn’s rescue from meekrob, and zim on earth obtaining a half-irken smeet named pip due to stealing an Unethical Science Experiment from dib (which is pip.) the bridge is basically just. “heres some stuff that happens between point A and point B so when we get to point B you’re not confused as all hell.”

the next arc focuses on zim. in the first fic, pip is sick and zim is trying to get into his neighbor’s pants, to cope. this basically sets up that zim in this au has no idea how to find personal fulfillment in living- he’s only OK if he focuses on pleasing someone else, be it taking care of pip or doting on the neighbor, some rando human named piqu (pronounced, “peek.”) this is mainly a cute romance story with the underlying veneer of “a child is slowly and painfully dying” in the background. fun!

without spoiling the circumstances, zim and pip end up on heretirk, which at this point is its own independent planet. pip is in the hospital for most of it so zim has to do his own thing. computer fans rejoice bc hes basically zims dad at this point, who tells him to go outside and get some fresh air and talk to the locals instead of schmooping or screaming in anxiety. im sneakily introducing more characters like ini, the “next-gen zim;” a short bio-engineer (she works on PAKs) who was constantly passed over by everyone because they dont trust someone that short or they dont trust someone that spazzy, even though shes actually brilliant. also her brother mo, who’s a pilot that NOBODY will teach military-class ships to (at this point, HTK has a population of ex-military that had their old ships, but still no formal army) because he doesnt talk and they think hes “slow” as a result. for the curious, he is physically able to talk most times, he just doesnt like it. zim ends up teaching him how to fly military-class which ends up being important laterrr

(haha ini and mo. wheres meenie and minie? ILL GET TO THEM)

no really, theyre quadruplets. named ini, myni, minie, and mo. these are real characters.

minie isnt introduced till later. shes too cool to be the side character in someone elses arc. she is feel uncomfortable when we are not about her.

myni is busy palling around with pip and pip’s friend “elly” (real name elevenn, with two N’s.) elly is a half-meekrob War Crime Baby and tenn’s smeet. he has vision problems (he can “see” energy signatures of things, as opposed to conventional sight. everything is monochrome and he has to really focus to see like, words on a paper. also fuck tablets) but the trade-up is telekinetic powers (that he cant use too much or his brain will melt. fun!) this isnt relevant until the arc AFTER zim’s, where they end up poking around a historical site due to myni’s interest in that kind of thing, and they find logs of an old revolution (that was actually pretty successful in their goal, before they were caught and executed,) that lead them to a man named lefy. he helps with revolutions and helped these guys, and the trio go to seek him out; myni because he wants to impress his parents with helping them, pip because after they’ve recovered enough to walk around and do stuff, feel like they need to justify the choice to save their life and make their dad proud and all that, elly because he doesnt want pip to get hurt and die. And thats where the stuff REALLY starts happening and i cant tell u more sorry

this seemed kind of disjointed but thats bc i cant really be too detailed otherwise id like.... spoil it lmfao. but thats the summary of the first few arcs.

#*falls over and dies* my poor hands and fingeys #yall better mf read this.....#ill post a fic later today or maybe tomorrow #its being betad rn #take this lol! i finally explain myself #for those of you on mobile i am SO sorry #this is fine to rb in case ur wondering. dk why u would wanna but its chill #anarchisma au #live from conventia #long post

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calamarispider · 4 years

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i think....so. this may not make sense, but i think today? with tumblr, and the internet in general, and the state of the world. theres honestly not much time given to be...a kid, or a teenager, with dreams for the future. i just saw a post someone made about how when your seventeen you have dreams of a glamorous adult life or whatever and like...im sixteen. when i was thirteen i thought i was going to go to uni even though i hated it, struggle, and just barely get through, and only learn depression. when i was ten, i thought i was going to live alone, unhappy and trapped in a system i still barely understand. even now, at sixteen, ive decided to accept the fact that ill be living off of benefits and have to struggle to keep hold of any sort of entry-level job.

and like....that honestly sucks? its fine, and its good that i know that now. but. it sucks, that ive never had this wonderful idea of the future that apparently i should have. i dont, because i was constantly told by everyone around me in person or online,about how the 'real world' is a harsh and cruel place. about how theres no hope if youre going to act like a child, or be strange, or have ideas or be creative. it just feels like...kids should be allowed to have grand idea for the future without being told theyre silly for it. i used to want to be a dragon!! i felt as if there was a fire deep in my throat that breathed ice and flame, and some day wings would sprout from my back and id be able to fly away from everything. honestly, i still wish for something like that. but it always feels as if we arent allowed that yknow? theres this constant idea that every kid and teen is just a disillusioned child with no idea what its actually like, so clearly you need to, what? break them down? push this constant message that everything sucks and will never get better? i showed someone a tree i thought was nice, and they just looked at me as if i was strange for just...enjoying things.

and i can only speak from an autistic/adhd perspective, so i dont know how it is for other neurodivergencies or neurotypicals, but like. i hate the idea that you have to throw away your childhood once you turn thirteen, and instead you just have to know how to survive in a world thats out to get you. it sucks!!! i havent even been taught how to do taxes, and yet im expected to know what job i want and plan my life around it and only focus on work and sadness. i did very well in school, until i had friends and a basic understanding of mental health. until then, i was just very, very sad, with very good grades and the idea that life is only pain. and sure, pain is part of it. but thats not everything! theres so much more to the world, and while there are things that fucking suck that doesnt mean any happiness should be abandoned and crushed in the mud!! i still have trouble being happy, openly, in front of people. but i still hope that will change, and i still hope that even if it doesnt, things can, will and are getting better.

#calamarispeaks #this is all a big ramble so idk if it makes much sense #i think theres also this whole overlap with cringe culture? which is awful #when i was thirteen i had instagram #and i posted about undertale as i played through it. and someone told me to stop posting about it bc it was annoying and childish??#or something??? and its like...i was harmlessly enjoying a game!!!#i was constantly told this false idea of 'the real world' despite that whole idea being bullshit #and there was all this stuff about how things only get worse and the way out is only a dream #and i was thirteen!!! i was struggling with depression and anxiety and i still do and i was told i was faking it #and wed be taught about it as if noone could actually have it bc were kids!! and we cant dream but we cant be depressed but we cant be aaa #and its just. treat people like people. and let people have harmless enjoyment and fantasys without being told its childish!!#ugh #idk if this makes sense but hsgbshd

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naoyatoudo · 3 years

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i need to rant about how zzs was treated in shl hold on spoilers for the end of the drama

still pissed. i hate HATE HATE that zzs was shoved to the side and became the little side piece to wkx’s story of revenge. hello? he’s the MC. ZZS is the MC. WKX is the ML. this is not the wkx story this is the zzs story, literally, he is the main character. why does he just drop back into the background at some point, shoved into a corner, used only to make wkx look good? hello? how the fuck is it that he was captured and tortured for days but no one asks after him or shows much care when he comes back...........it just goes to wkx’s stupid plan that he DOESN’T TELL ZZS ABOUT? HELLO?

and after wkx “dies” no one even thinks to keep an eye on zzs despite him literally trying to commit suicide to follow after him before. how the fuck could they just leave him alone?? and then even when zcl and jby and wx learn about him taking out the nails they just are like. ok bye :) at least zcl cries but THE FOCUS IS STILL ON WKX??????????? THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME OUTSIDE LIKE 5 MINUTES??? AND WKX OF COURSE HAS THIS WEIRD OOC MOMENT AND LIES TO ZZS AND ACTS LIKE ZZS DESERVES IT AS IF HE HASNT LIED TO ZZS MULTIPLE TIMES NEAR THE END DESPITE THE FACT THEY HAVE A WHOLE THING ABOUT NOT LYING TO EACH OTHER BUT WHATEVER. HAHA. WHO CARES RIGHT? AS LONG AS WKX LOOKS SYMPATHETIC AND GOOD! FUCK. IT’S SO OBVIOUS THE SCRIPTWRITER HAS A WKX BIAS IT MAKES ME FEEL ILL.

I’M SO ANGRYYYYYYY HOW ZZS WAS TREATED LIKE SHIT IN THIS. LIKE GREAT SO YOU TOOK AWAY HIS DECISION WITH HIS LIFE TO SACRIFICE YOUR OWN SO HE’D LIVE FOREVER AND TRAPPED ON A MOUNTAIN AND CAN ONLY EAT SNOW. ALONE. FOREVER. HOW KIND OF YOU. IT’S NOT LIKE YBY HAS A WHOLEEEEEEE EXTRA ABOUT HOW MISERABLE THAT IS OR ANYTHING IN THE NOVEL RIGHT? FUCK OFF. HOW DARE YOU DRAMA WKX.

NOT TO MENTION HOW THE COSTUMES AND MAKEUP WERE CLEARLY HIGHER QUALITY FOR WKX...LIKE REALLY? REALLY?????/ ASIDE THE NEW YEARS ONES IT’S SO STARK HOW MUCH MORE MONEY WENT INTO WKX’S LOOK. AND THE AMOUNT OF TIMES WE HAVE TO SEE THE SAME STUPIF FUCKING FLASHBACKS OF WKX YES I KNOW HIS PAST YES I GET IT I DONT NEED TO SEE IT EVERY EPISODE 3 TIMES.

THE NOVEL. IS ABOUT. ZZS. IT’S ABOUT HIM LEARNING TO MOVE ON AND SPEND HIS LIFE FREELY. WITH HIS OWN DECISIONS. AND BE HIMSELF. SINCE HE COULDN’T DO ANY OF THAT WHILE STUCK SERVING THE EMPEROR (PRINCE HERE, WHATEVER). AMAZING HOW WKX TAKES THAT AWAY FROM HIM AT THE END OF THE DRAMA AND IT’S PLAYED AS GOOD AND ROMANTIC. WKX’S REVENGE PLOT IS IN THE BACKGROUND AND IN THE END HE LITERALLY /LITERALLY/ CHOOSES TO LIVE SO HE CAN BE WITH ZZS. THERE IS NO SACRIFICE ON HIS PART. ZZS DOES NOT GET INVOLVED IN HIS SHIT EXCEPT TO SAVE HIM AT THE END. ZZS LITERALLY STATES WKX’S PLOTS ARE HIS OWN AND HE HAS NO RIGHT TO BUT IN IN THE NOVEL.

WHY DID YOU WRITE ZZS LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHO HE IS? I GET CHANGING THINGS TO MAKE HIM PALATABLE FOR A WIDER AUDIENCE BUT COME ON. AND HIS CRYING AND SIMPERING..LIKE..>???????????? EVEN THEN FINE. BUT THEN YOU TURN HIM INTO A SIDE PIECE WHO JUST IS THERE FOR WKX TO LOOK GOOD. I AM SSSSSO MAD AND I’M GLAD APPARENTLY CHINESE FANS ARE TOO (?) . he deserved better. he did not deserve to be cast aside so the limelight can be on wkx. i feel so bad for zzs and for his ACTOR because even with the actos everyone is soooo focused in wkx’s actor.

wkx’s actor did well don’t get me wrong, glad he is getting attention, but zzs’ actor did really well too.......ugh. the way people are so into wkx and just use zzs as a piece for him even in fics now..like whya re so many fics zzs crying over wkx dying or being a comfort for an upset wkx?? zzs is the one who is literally in pain every single day, was literally tortured and betrayed, lost EVERYONE from his sect, and the whole shit show with wkx’s fake death HE WASN’T TOLD WAS FAKE. SO HE HASTENED HIS DEATH. but no it’s all about wkx and wkx’s emotions right? fuck off.

i’m gonna write so much stuff for zzs. im gonna write jby noticing zzs is upset and confronting and comforting him. for a supposed best friend in the drama he didn’t do fucking much. idk why wx and jby were even there, in the novel they cure him but here they just. what give him medicine so he can live an extra week? wow great.

im so sad we didnt get to see all the things zzs thinks in the novel that show how affected he is by everything and how traumatized he is. i hate how they made his shizun this friendly father figure when he was a rough person who died and left everything for zzs to handle alone at FIFTEEN. i hate how they made zzs the prince’s cousin for NO FUCKING REASON when zzs was just some guy from a family in the jianghu who befriended the prince to help his sect survive.

why is it the series starts off well and with zzs as the mc and switches at some point to be the wkx show? i still like wkx but im so........disappointed. im so disappointed if my rants didnt say it enough ufbhvndskm, especially how the other characters dont notice how upset or pained zzs is at any point?? how the fuck did jby not??? amazingly zcl is the best with it...T__T

also why is it they fight constantly and even though zzs is literally right usually wkx is the sympathetic one and they never talk it through zzs just kind of goes back over to him and they act like normal?? hello??? yeah, uh, zzs was RIGHT. INNOCENT PEOPLE WERE LITERALLY BEING KILLED FOR WKX’S PLAN. YES ZZS WAS RIGHT. IT’S HIS LIFE IF HE WANTS TO JUST DIE FROM HIS WOUNDS AND NOT LOSE HIS MARTIAL ARTS HE CAN. does no one remember in the novel when wkx tries to destroy his martial arts zzs stops him with a “if anyone should understand, it’s you..” and wkx just stops and says “yes...i..i understand...” and respects zzs’ wishes???

what were their other stupid fights? oh yeah zzs again saying innocent people die and oh look he was right again. when wkx betrays zzs’ trust and does his fake death without telling him zzs doesnt even get mad at him. meanwhile wkx raged at him for choosing his own path in life that wkx didnt want...right, that’s good. then the fucking end with wkx saying it’s his turn to lie to zzs like he didnt before. i would punch wkx into the ground for that. fuck you asshole, are you kidding me with this shit??

also why did it take so long for zzs to realize who wkx is in the drama?? in the novel they figured each other out right away almost... why is zzs weaker physically and not as smart.. T_T and he took his disguise off earlier so the fangirls wouldnt have to deal with the “ugly” (wasnt even ugly) look...i know it would never have happened but i feel like wkx’s reaction to his real face was kind of understated. i’ve already said i dislike the shidi-shixiong thing but i do get why they did it so whatever.

im mostly mad about how zzs was picked up, slapped around, and thrown outside.........

scriptwriter why do you hate zzs.......?

#rant

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starrspice · 4 years

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Rose Quartz isn't a villain

Unpopular opinion. But here we go

This is My personal two cents. This isn't ordered well its kind of all over the place.

WARNING. ITS REALLY LONG

A lot of people (especially since the movie) have been acting and bashing Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond and acting as though she's the cruelest villain in the universe.

And here's why I don't think she is the ANTAGONIST (a person who actively opposes someone or something)

And furthermore why she falls in line as a VILLAIN ( a character whose evil actions or motives are important to the plot.)

As well as a HERO (a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities)

Let's start with her thought process and behavior.

A big thing I see is people saying "HER ABUSE DOESNT JUSTIFY WHAT SHE DID SHES STILL A MONSTER" and it's true. Abuse doesn't justify terrible behavior but it does to some degree explain it. Pink diamond was abused by the other diamonds.

She was constantly punished for acting out, which she did not only for attention from the other diamonds (as she seemed to be left alone quite often ) but also to make them happy (which indicates that they usually are not) and bring the family together. Not only did she act out, but when punished, she was forced to say she's sorry and that she was wrong, for simply trying to make her family happy and feel less miserable herself.

Pink was basically trained to follow homeworlds rules and not to question anything. And was forced to live a life she hated.

Yes. A lot of what Pink did and HOW she acted is due to how she was raised by the diamonds.

Diamonds are taught that THEY are the leaders. All gems and other life forms are lower than they are. And while Pink did, in fact, realize that killing the planets was wrong that may very well be all she realized. Gems weren't made to fuse with other gems, or to rebel, or to find their own path in life. All of those were things introduced by the rebels. The only reason the diamonds are getting closer to behaving and thinking better than they used to is that they had GUIDANCE. Steven helped show them a better right and wrong. He's helped them work to become better people for 2 years. And one may argue that pink/rose had thousands of years AWAY from. her abusers to become better. But the big thing she didn't have was guidance. She didn't have anyone tell her that those things weren't ok. The gems couldn't tell her that because everything they were doing is new to them. They grew and developed as people but couldn't possibly understand a stronger sense of right and wrong since it had never been questioned before and they'd never been told anything except for "Diamonds know best so we never question them" if you listen to Rose's song love like you she REALIZES SHE WAS TERRIBLE but only because she finally had someone to show her how her way thinking was resulting in terrible behavior and causing problems. "I always thought I might be bad now I'm sure that it's true, 'cus I think you're so good and I'm nothing like you. " GREG WAS HER GUIDANCE but she realized that even if she tried to be a better person. Shell always has a bit of her old self. And she may very well think That's holding her back. But she knew that steven, someone surrounded by people better than she ever could be. And by a strong loving father to guide him and make him kind and considerate and the amazing steven we know and love.

I know a lot of friends who have dealt with abuse. And they go on to behave all kinds if different ways. But this show depicts 2 very different ways people can behave after a childhood of abuse. Pink ran off and made her own life, but didn't necessarily become better. She continued living as she had, not knowing her behavior was wrong because she had never seen anything else or been told that it was wrong. She acted how she was taught to act by homeworld, and as for the rebels, no one recognized how bad it was because they lived the exact same way. They were stuck and had trouble growing as people because they didn't know how to grow. Steven taught them. That's why pearl lives for herself now instead of rose. How Amethyst takes pride and lives with the support of her friends and family boosting her up. He taught garnet that it's ok to not know everything, and sometimes you just have to focus on what you can change rather than what you cant. He taught them that fighting doesn't always fix the problem. Pink didn't have a steven until she realized how much she truly loved Greg. How he was different from other humans because he taught her and was willing to overlook the mistakes of her past so he could help her future. Only at the end of her life did she learn that she was wrong, and selfish, and not a good person. The diamonds acted JUST like this. They all dealt with Whites abuse. And realized. They behaved wrongly. Steven showed them that. They had guidance. Yes. Some people can realize the fault in their behavior on their own. But some cant. The diamonds needed guidance to take steps towards being better. And they're still struggling to learn. But they have someone to help them. So they're trying to fix their mistakes. So yes. Pink diamond was a bad person. And she did a lot of what she did not only because of the abuse. But because of how she was taught to think. This is not to void her of fault or to excuse the things she did. But I feel like it's unfair to call her evil and cruel and heartless. EVERY SINGLE VILLAIN in steven universe has had some layer of depth of deeper reasoning for what they did. And even if you consider pink to be the real villain. The same goes for her. Evil is not inherent, just like all terrible thoughts and behavior patterns. Like racism isn't inherent, or bias or prejudice. These are behavioral traits that are TAUGHT. If a killer raises a child. That child may not think killing is wrong. Pink was raised where she was an important person who had a right to everything she wanted and her desires took priority. Once something didn't serve a purpose she was expected to get rid of it. And gems were treated like objects. They were used for walls, decorative statues. Even aquamarine said topaz was of no use to her. And was prepared to get rid of her. we know this is wrong but they don't. Not all of them anyway. Even the off colors thought they were in the wrong for being themselves. It's not as if she did all of this because she wanted to hurt those around her. She did everything how she did because she was taught to think that way or behave that way. We become the people we are through nature AND nurture. But one can have more sway on someone depending on their upbringing. Abd abusive upbringing like pink endured is bound to drill homeworlds ideals into her head that much more. Especially since she tried to go against the grain and was punished constantly for trying to save things and be better.

And a lot of complaints I see is that "if she tried to explain her feelings to the diamonds none of this would happen" but everyone seems to forget. SHE DID TRY. In the episode where ruby and sapphire split and pearl explains everything she shows that pink diamond DID try. But was scolded for it. And was ignored. Just like how white ignored blue and yellow. She used all her authority but it meant nothing. She felt trapped and took an out. She tried to make a change. It started a spark that leads to a rebellion. Gems thinking for themselves. Being themselves. She did do good things. She tried to leave as much good as she had. But she didn't really know good and bad. She is still responsible for her failures and actions. But it's so so SO wrong to just slap a label on her calling her pure evil like she WANTED to do all that damage. Its the same as calling someone a hero despite any terrible things in their past that may have lead up to that. It's fine to classify her as an antagonist because yes. She caused problems for the main character and everyone around them. But it's not ok to ignore the meanings and cause behind it. We all knew pink/rose wasn’t A good person. But it's not ok to belittle her and act like her suffering and upbringing played no part.

It just upsets me when people ignore the history of someone. And I repeat THAT DOESN’T EXCUSE HER ACTIONS but that doesn't mean its ok to label someone based on their mistakes. No. Rose isn't a good person. She didn't know how to be. But that doesn't mean shes a cruel villainess. It means she was hurt early on and never fully recovered.

People who come from abuse can rise higher than their oast and tey to be better. And sometimes they can get stuck in their past and never learn from it. But that doesn't mean it's from a lack of wanting to be better. They may just not know-how.

This explains pinks behavior. And why she isn't an ANTAGONIST. She wasn't ACTIVELY trying to harm anyone or ruin anything. She even REFUSED TO SHATTER GEMS. She had a semblance of right and wrong and what was too far, but that's as far as it went. Additionally, by the time the show takes place, Pink is gone and can no longer actively do anything against steven or the crystal gems.

So. My thoughts on Pink/Rose

Not a good person and not justified in her actions, but came off the bedside of an abusive childhood and was never taught better. Just because she's done a lot of bad things doesn't mean bashing her is ok. Try and think of it like real life. Not everyone becomes better after abuse. And not everyone has the influences and tools needed to become better after abuse. We learn right and wrong from the people around us, so what if no one around us knows proper right and wrong?

Not looking to argue and you can reply with your thoughts if you want. But that doesn't really mean ill respond (im sure ill be flooded with people telling me why I'm wrong lol)

I would go on but I feel like this is too long already

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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years

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When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

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warmau · 5 years

Text

{Regular Inspired!AU x NCT 127} Johnny

tw: weapons mention, violence mention, n*fw elements, be warned. everything written here is a work of FICTION, it does not in anyway reflect reality, nor do i condone any of the extreme behavior. ♢ introduction ♢ pick mark instead | pick haechan instead | pick yuta instead

“he’s guilty of being soft - a hopeless romantic type who’d rather runaway than break a heart.”

“i choose john-”

before you can even finish, johnny is cascading over to you

he’s abandoned his wine glass and is instead clapping his hands together ceremoniously

as he takes a bow in front of the table you’re sitting on

“i promise to keep you quite entertained during your time with jung enterprises”

he extends a hand to help you up

and you take it, faltering a little

and asking quietly that you rather he promise to keep you quite safe

he winks, muttering under his breath that of course he will be doing that too

before turning to the rest of the group with a smile

“well, as you can tell the decision has been made. it was obvious from the start that i would be the best choice as the rest of you,,,,,,,,”

he lowers his tone a little

“dont know how to treat a guest right anyway”

somewhere in the room haechan scoffs

mark is giving you an almost worried look

while doyoung and jungwoo turn to discuss something in hushed whispers

taeil suddenly pops up by your side, poking the skin of your cheek and causing you to let out a surprised gasp

“johnny has more secrets than you think!”

he exclaims

and you want to ask what in the world he means

but he’s already shoo’d off

jaehyun’s hand comes down on a nearby table - the sound rattling everyone into silence

and you notice johnny take a step in front of you

as jaehyun clears his throat

“it’s been settled. everyone go home. johnny, make sure they -”

“what do you think i am, an ungentlemanly idiot? of course i will escort this lovely person home”

jaehyun doesn’t bother to respond

even though he seems utterly pissed about the whole situation - he seems content with your trust in johnny

you start to think that johnny is probably held close by the jungs, he is after all their lawyer

or so you hope

“you can report tomorrow to my office darling, for now ill call my chauffeur and have him bring you to your home”

“oh, you’re not coming with us?”

you ask almost on instinct

johnny’s smile widens

“ah you want me to stay by your side? well of course you do, we’re one in the same now aren’t we? and alas, i dont want to leave you either, but i have some more work to do.”

he takes your hand gently, lifting it up to kiss the top

“but tomorrow - i promise, we’ll be together all day, baby”

johnny drawls out the words - his voice naturally sensual and emphasized

just the way he speaks makes your body react a certain way

but you talk it down, reminding yourself of the situation you’re actually in

these people are dangerous, these people could kill you

johnny’s chauffeur is an older aged man, he speaks with you in english and you think you hear some kind of accent - maybe from a big city like chicago

but that slips your mind

because you’re watching the streets of seoul pass in your window

regular people, regular cars

you’d been just like them the other day and now,,,,,,you’re being driven home under the pretense that you might run away from the mob

the goddamn mob

you groan and the chauffeur asks if you’re ok - when johnny is stressed he usually just needs something to drink

you shake your head politely, explaining that everything is fine

it’s just been,,,,,,,,a long day

the next morning ,,,,, johnny is outside of your house

he’s wearing an expensive looking jacket over a freshly pressed white button down

the cuffs of the jacket are pushed up to his elbows and on his arm is an array of expensive bands and a diamond watch matches on the other

he greets you with another kiss on your hand - eyes hidden behind equally as expensive shades

“i thought i would make up having to leave you all alone last night by picking you up today,,,”

he starts - smiling when a group of women pass by, all whispering and pointing at him

he waves and they all go up in arms about it as they hurry on past

and you take note that johnny just seems to like attention,,,,,,especially the attention of those who find him attractive

“are we going to the office?”

you ask, suddenly wanting him to just get into the car so all the eyes on the street would stop finding their way to you

“oh no no no, office work will come later. for now, i want to make sure you get to enjoy some new luxuries.”

you blink, trying to read between the lines

does luxuries mean something in this shady industry? are you about to be in the middle of something dangerous?

but,,,,,,,,,,,,it’s nothing of that sort

when johnny meant luxuries - he meant it literally

you find yourself following him into stores of brand names you’d only read about in magazines

everywhere the store employees recognize and treat johnny like he’s a celebrity

you are paraded in and out of dressing rooms, in and out of clothing you could never afford

you make the mistake of looking at a price tag while you’re changing and almost fall over

the whole time you insist to johnny that this is,,,,,,overwhelming,,,,,and you dont want him to buy you something - or spend his money or time anymore

that you’re fine going to the office and filing papers all day

but johnny takes your chin in his hand and tilts your face up to meet his

“im not doing this because i pity the situation you’re in baby, im doing this because im letting you have a taste of my world”

his mouth curls up into a smile

“and you’re part of it now.”

he lets you go, turning to focus his attention on some expensive necklace

but the words rattle you

im a part of a whole new world?

the shopping trip turns into a stop by a restaurant where everything is in french but johnny doesnt even have to order

the chef knows what he wants

and you feel small in such a big chair in such a big restaurant

when johnny is really only two feet away

the fancy food turns into fancy art

hung up on the walls of highbrow galleries

johnny listing names of artists like they’re his favorite colors

everywhere he goes and everything he says just dazzles you - the capacity of his networking, his social skill

it’s hard to believe he even needs to work for the jungs - it seems money is naturally drawn to him

as are people

it’s supposed to be your day with him, as johnny had sort of sketchily implied

but when you think about it, it’s been you watching his broad back

people flanking his sides

people chattering in his ear

you’re ignored - aside from the watchful eyes of bodyguards or securities in whatever upscale establishment you go into

and it’s not jealousy,,,,,,,you’re not vain or greedy for his attention

you just,,,,,,feel out of place

so when it’s already night and johnny tells his driver to take you to your home

you dont have anything to say - seated on the leather backseat with johnny right beside you

“well, did you enjoy yourself?”

he asks, leaning his head back and opening the window on his side

his hair whips a bit in the wind that comes through

and when you look at him like this,,,he’s almost unreal

“im very ,,,,, i appreciate you taking your time to show me all of this. it’s all very,,,,,,,,new”

you try to pick your words carefully - but it’s hard

you dont know how to politely say - it was super uncomfortable

johnny doesnt respond, not until the car pulls up onto your quiet street

but before you get out, johnny goes

“you have no interest in being rich, do you?”

his tone isn’t demeaning, it’s rather more,,,,,,genuinely surprised

you lay your hands in your lap and shake your head

“im only interested in being,,,,,normal. a desk job, a good retirement plan, maybe a family.”

you pause and johnny’s gaze is suddenly on you

his hand reaches out, brushes yours

“you’re very humble. i hope you stay that way.”

this voice is one you haven’t heard from johnny

it’s a stark contrast to his usual upbeat, personable and borderline flirtatious sound

this is,,,,,,,,,,,,almost prayer like

but it’s gone as soon as it comes

he straightens up his shoulders and gives you a wave as you step out of the car

“see you tomorrow, be sure to rest and be as pretty in the morning!”

and with that he closes the door to the car and you go to your apartment

worn out, tired

happy to be in your tiny, little corner of normalcy

thankfully, johnny doesnt take you out like that again

for the next couple of weeks you only see him at the office

where he is just as teasing and cheery - calling you over to help him with affectionate names and light touches on your back

it’s not predatory or suggestive - although doyoung has on several occasions grabbed johnny’s hand or given him looks when you were all in the same room

but you dont feel as if you’re being pressured to do anything

you just think this is how johnny is,,,,he’s inviting to everyone,,,,or at least everyone who he in return is fond of

you’re not alone, he’s ruffled mark’s hair in front of you - as if mark isn’t also part of the underground illegal business they’re all in

he’s used cute chinese add-ons when addressing sicheng

quite literally told jungwoo how “adorable and handsome” he was when the mentioned had come in to work with a new haircut

he was just social

so nothing he did to you made you feel outright special

but what it did make you feel was distracted

you were thankful to have someone with his disposition looking after you

had it been taeyong or jaehyun, you think you’d spend everyday sweating over the fact that you could be killed

or put in danger

but johnny made you forget that

until ,,,,, something changed

you had maybe been wrapping up the first month of your time with jung enterprises

happy to have not witnessed anything too gruesome or too against the law

when you’d come in before leaving to see if johnny needed any last minute help

you’d found him at his desk, papers scattered in piles around his feet - his large hand grabbing a fistful of his hair as he shook slightly behind his computer screen

at first you dropped everything and thought he was in some kind of physical pain

but when you got closer, concern in your voice

johnny barked for you to get back

you could only see briefly what was on the screen

the image was of johnny,,,,,,,,,,,,and you

the first day where he’d taken you out

but not wanting to infringe on him, you did as you were told

backed silently out of the office, collected your discarded bag, and disappeared downstairs

johnny’s chauffeur could see the almost ghostly look in your eyes - so he made quick work of getting you home

“don’t worry about him, i will go back and check if he is alright”

he’d assured, surprisingly using english instead of korean

you had a weird feeling in your gut that something was going on - something had been going on all this time

and only you weren’t in the loop

once inside, you’d suddenly stated to panic

had someone threatened johnny? why did the use a photo of you and him together? were you also going to be in danger?

all of those thoughts began to circle and chant louder and louder in your head

they kept you up all night

and in the morning, you came into the office absolutely petrified

mark running over to you almost immediately

“what’s wrong?”

he asked, leading you into the empty printing room, shutting the door

before you could answer, the door clicked again and through it came taeil of all people

his smile wide on his face, his hands clasped behind his back

“so did you find out johnny’s secret?”

he chirped, mark trying to tell him through gritted teeth that now wasn’t the time to joke around

but you could only shake your head

“n-no, but ,,,,,, but is it bad? i just saw johnny last night and he was a mess-”

mark opens his mouth, but taeil moves him to the side as he bends over to get closer to you

“johnny isn’t a mess, his life is. you’ll probably never find out - but if you do, i think you wont really want to be around him anymore~”

“taeil, that’s enough. johnny isn’t a bad guy - he just has a past”

mark’s voice is soothing, as is his concerned expression and gentle hand on your shoulder

but even though his words are meant to calm you down, you forget them and only think about taeil’s

you wont really want to be around him anymore

you want to ask why,,,,was his past riddled with worse crimes? was he really a horrible person?

but taeil just laughs, turns on his heel and leaves the printing room before you can even formulate a question to ask

not that he’d answer it anyway

mark leads you back to johnny’s office

where you can see his silhouette inside

and mark asks if you’d rather have someone else watch over you, he could do it or maybe doyoung

but you would feel wrong just up and trading johnny away

he’d been nothing but kind to you, he’d done nothing but made you forget all the realities of this job

so you decline, thanking mark and taking in a deep breath before walking in

johnny seems back to his usual self, his desk is all cleaned up and he doesn’t seem to be anything short of,,,,,,happy

when he sees you - his eyes light up and he reaches out to grab your hand

“darling! ive been waiting!”

he eagerly motions with his other hand to the door

“i have a meeting with a new client and id like you to come with me!”

you blink, stuck between wanting to ask if he’s ok and between asking if going to meet a client would be safe for you

johnny doesnt hesitate before taking his brief case and leading you back out the door

people from their desks look up, but no one really pays attention

and when you find yourself already in the car - you’re surprised that ,,,,,,,, haechan is also there

“you- you’re here,,”

you start and he snorts

“no offense but i belong here - youre the one that’s out of place.”

you bite back your tongue and johnny swats at haechan like he’s some young child

“don’t speak like that to them, you may be my assistant but they’re our guest-”

haechan huffs, taking out his phone and making it clear he doesnt care what else is said

the car ride is awkward, johnny chats with his driver and tells you about the client

as haechan’s elbow mercilessly digs into your side - even though there’s totally room for him to move over

when you finally pull up to an office building

you brace yourself for the worse

if this is a client that is interested in the jung’s ,,,, “family” business,,,,then that means it’ll be like what you see in the movies

a big mob boss, cigar smoke, men in black, guns,,,,,,,

but to your surprise it’s none of that

the office is normal, the man who you meet is normal, and there isn’t any sort of weapon or burly bodyguard in sight

“i understand you’re interested in drawing up a contract with jung enterprises - is that correct?”

johnny asks, you are seated beside him - notepad out, ready to take notes

while haechan seemingly thinks the best place is to stand directly behind johnny - eyes locked on the poor client

“yes,,,i wanted to talk to one of the company’s lawyers before i agreed to anything.”

the man explains, passing some sort of document to johnny

the conversation is a typical business conversation - nothing shady, nothing illegal

haechan seems to have had enough, as he’s on his phone now

and you’re trying to take notes before suddenly you hear the man address you

“is this your intern?”

johnny nods, motioning to you

“they’re wonderful. please give them your card so they can contact you on my behalf.”

the man shuffles around his desk and you take the business card he extends with a polite bow

you read it

‘cho kyuhyun’

the meeting ends and as you’re walking out beside johnny, you catch sight of something in the waistband of his suit as he reaches for the elevator

it’s the grip of handgun, and as soon as you see it - you avert your eyes away

now you know why haechan chose to stand where he did

“that guy looked like a total weirdo,,,,”

haechan says when the elevator doors close

“well at least he’s not another one of those goons from the busan gang - remember how messy our last meeting was?”

johnny sighs, turning to you

“im glad you didn’t have to see anything like that”

he smiles and you don’t know why, but your shoulders tense

a mess? like a bloody mess?

haechan doesnt follow you and johnny to the car - he waves his phone and mutters something about having to see jaehyun

“isn’t jaehyun at the office?”

“jaehyun is never at the office, he’s always avoiding his father.”

johnny explains

you look down at the notepad still in your hand,,,,kyuhyun’s card inside of it

“well since haechan has left us, i think we should also find something fun to do!”

johnny leans forward and whispers something to the chauffeur

“wait - we aren’t going to the office?”

you watch as johnny’s smile spreads out on his face

“it’s a beautiful day - let’s not spend it holed up inside~”

you want to protest, to say that you love being inside! but then you remember how johnny had looked

sitting at that computer, shaking

and think that this might be for his own sake - a meaningful distraction

so you force a smile back

the car pulls up infront of what looks like another over decorated, unnecessarily rich store

you follow johnny out, ready to feel completely ostracized among the heavily invested, borderline trying to marry johnny employees

and rich people who can practically smell the poorness on you

but instead of stopping every second to entertain someone, or even acknowledge the people who mid sentence try to greet him

johnny just announces that he’ll be upstairs in the “amour éternel suite ”

you scurry behind him, trying to keep in tune with his long legs as he makes his way up a crescendo staircase

into an open, runway style changing room

you look around the interior

there are couches made of white leather - trays with red roses and bottles of wine paired with crystal glasses

and all of the clothes

are wedding clothes

beautiful, floor sweeping gowns

veils with crystals woven into them

suits made of soft, soft silk

and cases line the wall of glittering, gigantic diamond rings

you feel your throat dry, a sweltering nervousness makes a home in your stomach

as johnny walks past the mannequins, gently running his hand over some of the gowns and suits

till he settles on something he likes

he turns to you, eyes narrowed - scanning you up and down

as you press closer into yourself

suddenly shy and unaware of yourself

“this, put this on.”

he passes you what he’s chosen and you’re almost fearful to touch it

but there’s an insistence in his voice,,,,,that deep prayer like voice you’d only heard once before

who is this johnny? why is he acting like this?

all of these thoughts preoccupy your mind as you change, hands trembling over the expensive garments

your own eyes too scared to face your transformed reflection

“are you ready?”

he asks and you feel so out of place,,,,,so embarrassed

“johnny, why are you making me do this?”

you ask and the sound of your shaking voice seems to rattle itself through johnny

because you hear him get up, walk across the vast room, till you feel him outside of the curtain that seperates you and him

“can i come inside?”

it’s soft, a plea almost

shyly you reach and pull the curtain back

you’re wearing what he’s chosen, even the accessories and when you look up at johnny

you gasp

his cheery expression, always happy and playful smile is gone

replaced with dark, downcast eyes

that seem faraway and pained

his handsome features all highlighted by a look of utter agony

“you look divine”

he says - reaching out, touching the curve of your neck

“tell me, you said you wanted a regular life. a family. i assume you want to get married?”

“i,,,ive thought about it of course, but -”

“so tell me. you want to marry a person you love - not a person who is chosen for you, right?”

your throat closes up on itself

you’re searching johnny’s face for some kind of explanation

what is going on here? what is he talking about? why did he look so terrified last night? what is happening right in front of you that is being kept secret?

“i ,,,,, i want to marry the person i love”

“so do i”

johnny’s hand falls from your neck, to the dip of your waist

gently he pulls you out into the room and before you know it

he’s spinning you around, swaying with you in the silence of the room

he moves your body to his lead

your eyes connected with his

confusion apparent on your face, torment on his

it’s the only time in your life you’ve ever danced with no music

your body completely under the control of the man who leads with such painful elegance

that you can’t help but give in

johnny twirls you around and for a second the whole world is in this room

the eternity of your past, his past, your future, his future

is here

until you make a small mistake, drop a hand from his shoulder and you feel it brush past his waist

past the gun that’s hidden there

it strikes you back into reality and you pull from his hold

johnny lets you, standing there with his head hung low

as you hurry back behind the curtain, throw off the wedding clothes, and put your own back hastily

when you come out, johnny is on the phone

“so he checks out? you haven’t found out who sent me those photos? that’s fine. ok.”

you wait until he’s done

turning around to see you again

“it looked beautiful on you, would you like me to buy i-”

“no.”

johnny takes you home instead of the office

he has the car drop you off and you don’t look back when you go inside

you don’t know why you suddenly feel ,, angry? scared? you don’t know why your head is spinning

you think of johnny’s darkened eyes - an expression you’d never seen before in your life

you ask over and over why he made you put those clothes on. why he asked you about marriage

you ask over and over what is he hiding? what’s the secret?

but there are no answers

there never are with him

and in the morning, you dread seeing him

you dread seeing everyone

but you have to go to work - scared if you stay home jaehyun’s own father will come and collect you

or even worse

johnny will come to your home, exist with his incomprehensible self in the only space that is safe for you

johnny is in his office, and so is kyuhyun

the man you’d met with yesterday

you greet them both and say you’ll go get some coffee started

johnny doesn’t say anything to keep you

and as you’re making the coffee - you nearly let the pot overheat

someone’s hand coming over to put the heat out

“trying to commit arson? you’re interested in being a criminal now?”

you look up to see taeil by your side, trickster grin and all

“will you tell me johnny’s secret?”

he adjusts the tie around his neck, shrugging his shoulders up and down

“he’s guilty of being soft - a hopeless romantic type who’d rather runaway than break a heart.”

you scoff, uncaring of the fact that you’re sure taeil could hurt you if he pleased

but you’re sick of playing guessing games

and not being in the loop

at first you didnt want to know what shady business was going on - but working for johnny had started feeling like a legitimate job

like a trusted boss and intern relationship

and

maybe

in a small way, something more

but you repressed that thought - you just wanted to help johnny

that’s what it really came down to, and right now it felt like that wasn’t possible

you return, brushing past taeil who just laughs as you walk away

to johnny’s office, setting the coffee down

oblivious to the way kyuhyun watches you intently

the two of them talk a bit more as you work on some of the files that need to be organized

before he leaves kyuhyun says goodbye to you

and you turn, his eyes large and dark - staring almost through you

it’s a little weird, but your mind is so cluttered that you don’t care much

you exchange a small bow and then go back to your work

johnny doesnt talk much as usual

he’s actually focused on work

and multiple times leaves the office after being called by the ceo

you try to act normal but it’s hard

and for the next couple of days - there’s just this rift between you two

you waited and waited for johnny’s usual attitude to come back, fo him to greet you with a petname - to touch your back gently as he asked about your morning

but it didn’t happen

he didnt turn cruel or anything - he just,,,,became kind of silent around you

“i cant believe it - but i think you’ve put a curse on johnny.”

doyoung mentions one day

“he isn’t walking around talking up a storm anymore.”

you feel a twinge of sadness in your heart - you didn’t mean it,,,,you dont understand what you did to make johnny like this

so finally you decide that you’re going to confront it

he is a dangerous man - you know this, but you trust he wouldnt hurt you and you want everything to be as it was before

“johnny, can i talk to you?”

you ask on a quiet evening, the rest of the office has already gone for the day and the dim light comes through the windows as the sky turns from bright blue to a yawning grey

he looks up from his computer, eyes tired

“of course”

“i dont know what i said or did,,,,maybe i acted rudely at the store we went to - but i just want to ask if everything is ok?”

johnny listens to your question, then moves a bit forward in his chair

you feel him take your wrist and tug you closer

your eyes glancing to his office door to see if it’s close

“ive been such a scumbag, haven’t i?”

he starts

“i was that one who was rude to you, who dragged you around without a care. you should be mad at me. but there are things,,,,,going on now that are very complicated. ive been wrapped up and have neglected you - but just know that no matter what you do or say,,,,,i will never be upset with you”

his voice is soft and genuine, he tugs you a bit closer but also loosens his hold

lets you decide if he’s too close or not

and for a moment you’re stuck looking at his lips

his gorgeous lips

that those pretty words all come out of and - and you think had it been anyone else in the world

with lips like those, a face like his, you’d have fallen in love like magic

and maybe just a little part of you did

johnny knows where you’re looking - and he reads your mind

he tilts his head and lets his hand come up to move to your neck

pull you down and whisper

“close your eyes”

before he does what you can’t bring yourself to do

and just as you feel his lips brush yours

the door opens

and you jump back like a frightened animal

johnny getting up on impulse to block you from whoever is at the door

but it’s only kyuhyun

you both relax

and think he’s probably just here to drop something off

when suddenly, he pulls something from behind his back

“youngho. you’re coming with me”

you think you must have misheard or misunderstood

youngho? who is that?

but johnny doesnt falter, he just motions with his hand for you to get behind him

“i should have known they would send someone for me.”

“you thought you could escape the arrangement? change your name, fly to korea, and it would all be over?”

kyuhyun smirks, his finger calm on the trigger

his hand extended - lining up a shot that would go point blank through johnny’s heart

“your family wants you back. her family wants your back. you can’t just leave your fiancé like that.”

your blood goes cold

fiancé?

“she knows i dont love her, her parents just want -”

kyuhyun hisses for him to shuttup

he steps closer, then moves the gun over johnny’s shoulder

“this lover of yours - they’re no match to the woman whose waiting back in chicago. dont make me kill them for the sake of your marriage”

you dont dare to breathe, let alone speak

is this johnny’s secret? that he’s escaping a wife back in the states?

your heart churns in pain, but your mind cant believe it

not with the memory of him standing in that changing room

looking at you

“i want to marry the person i love”

“so do i”

with the kind of emotion and empathy that could only exist inside someone who really truly believed that

so whoever this fiancé was,,,,,,she wasn’t in johnny’s heart

if she was you’re sure he’d be there with her

not here in korea

not here

with you

“they’re not my lover-”

“bullshit. you know i have evidence. youngho, who do you think sent you that photo?”

your mind flashes back to that night where you’d seen johnny alone in his office

“who do you think wrote that letter? i warned you that id come and get you. and if i had to kill the person you were sleeping with - parading out on the town with like some unmarried man - i would. no hesitation.”

kyuhyun’s voice is cold

his expression stoic, beside the smirk that comes when johnny doesnt answer right away

“nothing to say? just step aside, get your things, and come with me to america. ill even let your little pet run off alive.”

you begin to panic, frightened that

one) johnny would leave - abandon the jungs and his life here and two) that when he did - you’d still be hunted down, unprotected with him gone

but johnny doesnt have any plan to give in

not even when he’s unarmed - a gun pointed in his direction

he instead turns around, facing you and smiles

“remember when i said i was happy you never got to see things get messy?”

you are frozen in place - but manage a tiny nod

“well, baby it’s going to get messy so please forgive me in advance.”

with that he turns, steps forward and right as you see kyuhyun’s hand squeeze over the trigger

with one swift movement and shout

johnny orders you to run - as he squats down, one long leg coming to roundhouse kick kyuhyun off his balance

a shot goes off, but just as it does the gun comes flying out of kyuhyun’s hands by the stun kick

you run to duck under the desk, but see the gun go skidding across the office floor

it lands only a couple of feet from you

you can hear kyuhyun shout - but johnny throws his weight forward, keeping kyuhyun pinned to the ground

he lifts his hand up to land a fist into his chest

and you - scared out of your mind - think this could be your only chance

you dart out, reaching for the gun

kyuhyun manages to land a hard blow into johnny’s jaw with his elbow

and throw him off

he comes barreling toward the gun, but you get it first

and before he can grit his teeth, grab you by the collar

he’s being pulled back, johnny’s arms wrapped around his torso as he stops him from getting close

“GET OUT OF HERE!”

johnny yells and you dash for the door, your adrenaline pumping high in your ears

but then you stop

“what about you-”

johnny throws kyuhyun down, getting back ontop with his hand pulled back

he doesnt answer - but you can see the pure power almost radiating off of him

scared to leave him on his own like this, but sure he can hold his own

you dash down the stairs, screaming for mark, jungwoo, doyoung, jaehyun - anyone

until it’s haechan who rushes past you

“it’s johnn-”

you start, but he seems to know

“im his assistant, i can tell somethings up.”

and with that he’s flown by you like the wind, up the stairs to the offices

you stand - hands shaking with the gun in them

the image of johnny’s bruised face, his broad shoulders shaking - this time with anger and strength as it broke free from his body

a moment or two later, it’s taeil who finds you with the gun

he grabs it from your hands and doesnt offer any comfort or words

he just looks at you

“still want to be around johnny?”

there’s no ambulance called, no police - obviously - but you hear something about kyuhyun being dragged up to face the ceo

and that finally

when you can go back upstairs as well

johnny is seated in a chair, ice on his swelling jaw

dried blood on the corner of his mouth, his hair a mess and sweat soaked through his shirt

when he sees you - he tries to smile, say that he’s happy you’re safe

but you just fall on your knees infront of him

sobbing against his knee

“i thought he’d hurt you- that if i left he’d really take you back and i would never see you ag-”

you feel his hand in your hair, petting it softly

till you look up and johnny motions for you to stand

you do and he pulls you between his legs

“im not leaving. it’s true, i left america and changed my name to get out of an arrange marriage but that’s because i had no choice. it was marry her or die. and im not the kind of man who can marry someone who he doesnt love”

“see, hopeless romantic like i said”

taeil chirps from somewhere

but you don’t care or notice the rest of the room

you just see johnny, not youngho not the ‘mysterious past’ johnny

you see the johnny

who so dearly cared for you - distracted you from all of your life’s troubles

when his own was all upside down

“was kyuhyun-”

“he was sent to kidnap me. he was sending me photos of us,,,claiming he knew we were longtime lovers. im sorry you had to get involve-”

you lean in, careful of his swelling to pull johnny into a hug

he chuckles against your ear and lets his hands wrap around your waist

“i know you said we werent to kyuhyun - but i would be honored to be the person you one day call your lover”

you whisper, without really thinking, to johnny

low enough for him to only hear

and it’s as if your heart has talked for the first time

and johnny only squeezes you closer

“should i call you lover instead of baby from now on?”

he mumbles and presses a kiss to the side of your skin

which makes you pull back, embarrassed to do this with others in the room

but the rest of the group just seems to look as if they’ve expected this to happen

haechan does a gagging motion with his hand, which you see has also taken a couple of beatings

you thank him later for helping johnny - only to be answered with a

“just because you’re with him doesnt mean i have to like you too,,,,,,,but it was ballsy of you to grab a gun like that!”

the rest of the night, after johnny is driven home and insists that you stay over too

just to “nurse” his bruises

you find yourself for the first time since the fight alone with him

the first time since you two kissed alone with him

and you listen to johnny’s story

escaping america, begging his parents not to force him to marry

and you realize that’s why he took you to that store

johnny, like any normal person, had fantasies about his wedding day

about the person he would love

his family was doing its best to ensure he wouldnt get that - that he’d dread his wedding day - a scam, to be with a person who you dont love

you wonder to yourself

did he go there a lot alone - to that store

look at the gowns, the tuxs, and wish he could have a chance to be regular

johnny kisses you a lot that night, says something about how he’s never got the chance to do it with someone he really truly felt something for

and how it all tasted sweeter - felt warmer

until you curled up close with him and asked gently

“are there any other secrets you have?”

he breathed out

“all my secrets,,,,,,you know them now ,,,,, and i promise to never hide a thing from you again”

the words make your heart feel as if it’s going to rip through your chest - because they’re so sincere

they sound like wedding vows

“ill tell you everything too”

you reply, closing your eyes and letting johnny lightly trace his fingers over your neck

the hairs on your skin stand up from the touch and you let his hand go further downwards

his lips kiss where his fingers have been

and you hear it against your skin through the hazey feeling that starts to fog your brain with pleasure

“baby, im yours and you are mine”

the next morning you come into the office and when taeil tilts his head and asks why you’re wearing a turtleneck

you tell him,,,,,,it’s a secret

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct au #nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 au #johnny scenarios #johnny imagines #johnny au #regular au #nct #johnny #seo youngho #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh who wrote this .......it wasnt me..............#weapons/#blood/

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angrylizardjacket · 6 years

Text

time’s arrow {Roger Taylor}

Anon asked: Hi, I love your roger/ben imagines so much and was wondering if you could do some angst with Roger x female, maybe they are good friends and she sees him with another. Whatever you would like! Thank you x :)

A/N: 2727 words. A story told through Seasons. I took a little bit of liberties with the prompt, if that’s okay? This hit me like a lightning bolt and I had to write it. Angst with a happy ending. (I’m just trying to show I’ve got versatility in writing, okay?)

Warnings: Implied sex.

You meet him in Spring, before it all begins, he sits up the back of your Intro to Head and Neck Anatomy lectures, the only class with open spots available by the time you were looking for a science credit. You find out he’s in a band three weeks into the first class, finally going to the local bar, sick of cramming your brain full of information you’re not even sure is necessary for your degree. He grins at you and wow okay, you didn’t even think he’d recognise you.

“You’re in, um,” he’s leaning against the bar next to you in this dimly lit pub, grabbing a drink between sets. Faltering for a moment, his eyes travel down before you clear your throat, angry at yourself for blushing, but his smile widens, “my class.” He finishes, taking a sip of his beer. You agree, rolling your eyes at him, but even that seems to amuse him. He asks your name. The guitarist is calling him over, setting up for the next set, but you tell him before he leaves. Something tightens in your chest when, later that night, he catches your eyes mid-song, his look of intense focus shifting for a moment as he grins, giving you a wink.

He takes to sitting next to you in lectures, chewing the end of his pencil and taking occasional notes in a falling apart notebook that looks as though he uses it for every class. You catch lyrics in the margins and at the bottom of some pages, but he’s cagey about that in a strange way, just says you’ll have to come to a gig to find out what they’re about. So you do.

Gigs become a regular for you, and you start to become friends with the girls who frequent the shows, often hosting predrinks in your dorm room for Mary and her friends on a Friday night. You learn on one of those nights that at least two of the girls have hooked up with him, and there’s a strange, sinking sensation in your chest. You’re not sad, or at least, you tell yourself you shouldn’t be. You and Roger are just friends, it’s not like there’s anything going on there, sure, sometimes after a really good show he’ll give you a pash, but it’s- that’s just him.

It’s not like you’ve never thought about it, but you also know his reputation, and that it’ll do more harm than good to get involved with that. He’s the one mistake you don’t think you want to make.

It’s Summer, a few years later, when they trade in the van to get money to hire the recording studio. Roger had really loved that van, and he lay on your sofa for a solid hour grumbling about it, about how Freddie had some kind of nerve. You roll your eyes at him, call him a drama queen, which he takes offence to, but moves obligingly when you sit down, letting him rest his head in your lap.

When you raise the point that it might be worth it, he looks frankly aghast, griping about how he has to catch lifts everywhere now. He calms down somewhat when you start carding your fingers through his hair, though he still pouts.

“If it comes to it, I’ll buy you a car, you baby.” You snort, despite the fact that you’re currently barely making a living wage on some retail job, it’s not where you’d thought you’d be after university, but sometimes that’s just how it is. He looks up at you, and when you look down at him, he’s looking very intense. Perhaps he might say something poignant about your offer, you think, but instead he reaches up and pokes your nose.

“I can see up your nostrils.” He tells you, and you smack his hand away, scowling. You stand abruptly, ignoring his complaints, smoothing your pants out against your thighs.

“Come on,” you offer your hand, which he regards with both confusion and a bit of disdain, “you can’t mope around my apartment and complain about the band again. We’re going out.” That gets his interest.

You’ve been to bars with him before, and usually you go home alone while he gets the pick of the prettiest girls of the night, or he decides to wingman you, which hurts your heart a little, but you won’t decline. You were attractive in your own right, you won’t deny that, you didn’t technically need his help, but a selfish part of you likes the way the attention to you, even if it’s to help you get with other people.

Tonight is different, tonight he doesn’t leave your side, he slings an arm around you as the two of you stand by the bar watching the truly mediocre band they had on that night.

“You know why they aren’t recording an album?” You ask as the set ends.

“Because they didn’t sell their van?” Roger mused, vaguely bitter, but not melancholy as he swirled the last of his drink in his free hand.

“No, it’s because they’re terrible.” Turning, you smile at your own blunt remark, and when he looks back at you, he’s grinning with a little disbelief. There’s very little space between the two of you, but that doesn’t make your heart race anymore, he’s your best friend, close contact was part of the bargain. But he kissed you, quickly, without warning, and when he pulls back, he turns away to order another drink like nothing had happened.

Your mind is spiralling, this isn’t post-gig excitement, this wasn’t something you were expecting. The selfish creature in your chest that you tried to deny for so long was crowing with victory. Taking a quick look around the bar, you don’t recognise anyone, though there are a few girls who look like they’d be his type- but his hand is moving to wrap around your waist as he turns back.

“What was that?” Voice quiet, you take his drink and have a sip of it yourself, the movement done from muscle memory alone. He raises his eyebrows at you, not regarding the drink, that was a usual occurrence, but at the question. He doesn’t seem to know how to answer, baffled at the question. Dropping you gaze, you take a sip of your own drink. “Why me? Why tonight?” You asked. Looking incredulous, he stepped back, looking you over.

“Have you seen yourself tonight, love? Couldn’t help myself.” You’ve heard him talk like this before, to other girls, not as blunt, but with you he can get away with it. The creature in your chest is elated, and you find yourself smiling, actually blushing. He moves closer once more, his arm around you, voice low as he spoke into your ear. “Trust me, you look very fit tonight, any man would be lucky to have a crack at you.” Heart in your throat, you hope you’re reading the situation right, at the same time ignoring the part of you that knew this was a bad idea.

“Even you?” You turned to face him, watching the way his smile shifted to a smirk, and he pulled you a little closer.

“You know I’m always feeling lucky.”

You kiss him, feeling your blood thumping in your veins, selfish and excited in equal measure, but with his hands on you, you can’t find the focus to care about the former.

Once the bad starts up again, Roger pulls away, making a face at them, asking if you wanted to get out of there. You do, and the two of you are elated on the quick walk back to his apartment, stopping only when he pressed you up against the wall of an closed shop to suck a hickey into the skin of your neck. You catch sight of it in his bedroom mirror, but he’s pulling off your jacket and you have better things to worry about.

It’s not weird, like you thought it would be, when you wake the next morning and he’s curled up, fast asleep with his back to you, but your chest aches just a little. He avoids eye contact over breakfast, though you chat like normal. The gripes about his van have died down, though he makes an offhand comment about things are changing that you read enough into to realise what had happened.

“You’ll always have me, Rog.” You reach across the table to take his hand, and he finally looks you in the eye, he looks so relieved, not that he’d ever say it. Afraid of losing another thing he cared about, he had panicked last night and tried to keep you close in the only way he knew how. He certainly loved you, but not in the way you wanted him to. Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, you give him a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. It’s not his fault.

Bohemian Rhapsody airs in Autumn, you’re regional manager now, and you’re sitting in your office when you hear for the first time; you almost scream when the first harmony comes in after the radio host introduces the song.

“You’re a star, Rog!” You gush over the phone on your break, unable to wait until that night when the band was having a celebratory get-together to talk to him.

“Of course, I am, you think I sing that high to be paid in peanuts?” You can hear the smile in his words without even seeing him, and being able to hear his voice warms your heart.

“That was you?” You laugh, the ‘Galileo's playing back in your head, and you try to picture him singing it, which only made you laugh harder.

“Oi,” he bristled, indignant at your laughter, “I’m the only one with the range to execute Freddie’s vision.” You could see him in your mind now, proud and stubborn, standing tall to defend the decision.

“I’m proud of you.” Suddenly sincere, you find your smile turning to something more genuine as you think back on far he’s come.

“Thank you.” His own voice has become less animated, more sincere, though you can still hear him smiling.

“Love you, Rog.” You tell him, just as you always did when you parted ways.

“I’ll see you tonight.”

He’s grinning, draped with casual confidence in an armchair in Freddie’s living room when you arrive, and you feel like you’ve been taken back five years, the casual enthusiasm he’s exerting. Smile brightening, he stands when he sees you, striding across the room to enfold you in a hug.

“Good to see you!” He practically beams at you, holding your shoulders as he looks over you, as if assessing you, seeing if anything has changed.

“Of course, you’ve been holed up for weeks, I wouldn’t miss this for the world!” Though he’s in front of you, you’re words address the room as a whole, and when he steps back, Brian moves in to hug you as well, asking how you’ve been.

The boys are your friends, all of them, you’ve been around for most of their big band moments, and it eases something in your chest to be here for this one too. But then the ease sharply tightens as a woman you’ve never seen before sits on the arm of Roger’s chair, and he rests a hand on her thigh, smiling up at her.

Mary follows your gaze, and her smile is sad as she pulls you down to sit beside her, asking you about your thoughts on the single. You answer, though your heart’s not in it, and the selfish creature in your chest rears it’s ugly head after such a long slumber.

The monster has shifted, changed and grown, it hadn’t cared about him running around with any pretty girl he could find for the past few years, but this was different. Roger had made it clear that he was far from sacred, but this was the band, this was Freddie’s home, this was the place of some of your happiest memories; this was yours.

You stay well into the early hours of the following morning, despite the interloper, but Roger still stopped you at the door.

“I’m really glad you could make it, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” He’s smiling at you, but you don’t smile back. It’s been a long night of being kind and pretending that you’re heart didn’t hurt.

“Well, you’ve very busy.” You shrug, punctuating it with a yawn. His expression turns confused, and you open the door.

“Y/N.” He tried to get your attention, but you left, throwing a goodbye over your shoulder to him. “Love you.” He calls through the door, but you stay quiet, refuse to say it back, just keep walking. You’re too tired to be upset, but maybe you’ll get there tomorrow.

Things change, and you’ve grown to accept that, but sometimes old aches don’t heal like they should. Or at all.

“I’m getting married.” He calls you at the end of Winter.

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

Your relationship’s been on the mend in the years since the Bohemian Rhapsody launch night. You two smile and laugh like you had when you were younger, and you’ve learned to listen to his exploits and his gripes about women, offering your own about your partners, though they’re few and far between. He’s still your best friend, and you learn to act like it.

“Congratulations.” Your voice is flat. It had been a shock, you’d heard about his latest on-again off-again girlfriend, and had even offered advice in certain situations, actual advice, no malice at all.

“Thanks.” He doesn’t seem to know where to go from here, and silence stretches out between the two of you.

“I should go.” You finally murmur.

“What? Why?” He spluttered, and you sighed deeply.

“Was there something else you wanted to talk about?” You asked, closing your eyes and leaning your forehead against the wall.

“I- no, but I want you to be there.” He paused. “And I wanted to be the one to tell you.” Clenching your jaw, you make a snap decision.

“I can’t-”

“Why not?” He actually sounded angry, which was perhaps warranted, though your next words shut him up.

“Because it hurts, Roger.” After a beat, your voice is quiet. “Because I love you.” Taking a breath, you let yourself relax. “I want you to be happy, but I can’t watch you marry someone else.” There’s silence for a very long moment, but you hang up before he can respond. You take the phone off the hook. You need to be alone, just for now.

“After everything, you still-?” It’s the first day of Spring, and he’s on your doorstep, seemingly unable to say the word love. You’re wearing your pyjamas and he looks like he’s just walked out of a Rolling Stone cover shoot, though he just sort of looks like that now, you supposed.

“Don’t worry about it.” You try not to betray how much his visit shocked you, or the way his very presence after your recent conversation hurt you.

“You’re my best friend! Of course I’m gonna worry about it!” He threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. Sighing deeply, he stepped forward. “I thought I fucked everything up when we hooked up, I’m sorry, I panicked.” He was looking at his fidgeting hands, rather than your surprised expression. “And then... I thought I fucked it up again when I chose the band over you.”

“You never-” You tried to protest, but he smiled self-deprecatingly.

“No, I did. I loved you, and I thought that would get in the way of the band.” Clenching his jaw, he looked up and you could see the regret in his eyes. “It was easier to fuck around that tell you I love you.” Your breath stopped in your throat as he finally walked closer. “And I thought after everything, that you deserved better; you know what I’m like, why would you-?” But you cut him off with a kiss.

“You’ll always have me.” You murmured, finally letting yourself smile. Nothing about it felt selfish, in fact, it felt as though the sun was finally shining on you, warming you from the inside out.

“I know,” he agreed quietly, wrapping you up in a hug.

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x reader #borhap #queen #bohemian rhapsody #queen imagine #ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #bo rhap #the angry lizard writes

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71tenseventeen · 5 years

Text

Take My Hand (Take My Whole Life Too)-8

Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5, Pt 6, Pt 7

Warnings for sexual content, male pregnancy, non-hockey Sid. Sid and Taylor’s ages have been altered to fit the story.

Perpetual credit to my betas, @queen-alia and @icosahedonist as well as the GC and @ljummen.

They meet at a quiet pizza place at Sid’s suggestion.

As soon as Sid sees Geno on the sidewalk he realizes it was a mistake. He already has people stopping him and Sid can see the stress lines around his eyes as he glances up and back to the people around him.

Sid has no idea what the protocol is but he suspects it’s better if he stays out of all of that so he tips his head toward the door of the restaurant and ducks in, grabbing them a table in the corner of the dark, quiet dining room.

It takes another ten minutes before Geno finally ducks into the restaurant looking very harried but at least he’s alone. He immediately spots and heads for Sid, carefully avoiding eye contact with the handful of other patrons. He gets stopped anyhow and politely signs autographs and poses for pictures with a family of four before he finally makes it to the table looking more than a little stressed.

“Sorry, Sid. I was hoping since it Tuesday afternoon would maybe not be such a big problem.”

“No, I’m sorry. I should have known. Next time we’ll figure something else out, okay?”

Geno nods, looking very grateful.

“So…” they both start after an awkward moment and it breaks the tension. Sid gives a quiet laugh and Geno’s face softens.

Sid thinks maybe, finally, they can relax.

Of course that’s when a waiter arrives at their table and starts his welcome spiel before stopping completely and exclaiming, “Whoa! Geno! Hey man!”

“Hello,” Geno says cordially, but Sid can see the lines forming around his eyes again.

The waiter, “Braden,” he informs them as he shakes Geno’s hand and ignores Sid completely, is grinning ear to ear and turns long enough to call in the general direction of the kitchens. “Yo, Frank! You gotta get out here! We got Geno Malkin in the house!”

Sid sees Geno slump in defeat and sits quietly as he politely signs autographs and poses for pictures with what must be every staff member there… and a couple of construction workers who hadn’t bugged him when he came in. As far as get-togethers go, this is a disaster.

Geno finally asks Braden to please give them a minute with the menu and turns to Sid with a pinched expression, talking low and fast. “Sid, okay if we get food to go? I take us somewhere private to eat and talk. Don’t think this going to work.” He says it like he’s asking permission and Sid feels terrible.

“Yeah, of course.”

That’s all it takes for Geno to motion Braden back over.

It takes another twenty five minutes before they’re actually leaving the restaurant with bags of food and a pizza, Geno having left a generous tip.

He pulls his hat down over his eyes and seems to be trying to hunch in on himself even though there was no way someone that big is going to be able to hide. Sid follows quietly and they make it to Geno’s car with only a couple of people stopping him. As soon as Geno slides into the driver’s seat, he drops his head back and lets out a deep breath.

“Really sorry, Sid.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m sorry for suggesting this place.”

“Not be sorry. Let’s just go eat. Hungry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Geno turns to him with furrowed brows. “You ok? Need to eat and drink now?”

“No, I can wait. I feel okay.”

Geno’s face relaxes a little then and he nods. “Okay.”

He takes them to the arena. It’s the last place Sid expected to find himself but it makes sense. When they go in, no one does anything more than give him a wave. Certainly no one seems concerned that he’s toting a bunch of takeout bags and has a stranger trailing along beside him.

And that’s how Sid finds himself eating pasta and pizza in the Penguins’ team kitchen.

It’s Sid’s turn to be jumpy, glancing nervously at the door every few seconds until Geno explains, “No practice here today. Not expect anyone around or I take us to private conference room.”

Sid breathes out in relief. “Okay.”

“So—” they both start again and Geno laughs.

Maybe this won’t be as bad as Sid feared.

Geno is enthusiastic about any mention of the baby and wants to know all about Sid’s appointments with the ‘baby doctor.’ He listens to every tiny detail—from the baby’s heart rate to Sid’s blood pressure—with rapt attention and asks what seems like a hundred questions.

Sid doesn’t mind. It’s nice to have a conversation about the pregnancy that isn’t revolving around what a crisis it is.

He likes how easy it is to talk once they’re relaxed, that Geno actually takes interest in his life. He isn’t just asking questions to have something to talk about—he genuinely listens to Sid’s answers and asks more questions, seeming to want to know everything he can.

He asks about Sid’s studies at the university and Sid spends several minutes talking about the courses he plans to take and his plan to teach someday. In turn, Sid asks him about hockey and they spend a good half an hour talking about the upcoming season. Geno seems pleasantly surprised at Sid’s interest and knowledge.

From there the conversation turns back to the pregnancy and Geno asks if Sid has talked to his family in the last couple of days. “For a few minutes last night. I told them I told you about the baby.”

Geno fiddles with the edge of his cup. “They know is me?”

“No. I didn’t tell them that much.”

“What they say when you tell them I know?”

Sid shrugs. “Not much. My parents are still hoping I’ll change my mind, I guess. But my sister is happy.”

“Glad you have her, at least. Hope your parents come around.”

“What, um, what about your parents? Did you, um, tell them about…?” Sid glances down at his midsection.

“I not tell them yet, no.”

“Oh. Right.” Sid’s not sure what he expected and he works hard to push back the pang that’s threatening to bubble up inside him

“Going to tell them, Sid.”

“You don’t have to.”

Geno frowns. “Not keep something like this secret from them. Is just hard, try to figure out how to say. Worry how they respond.”

“You think they’ll, ah, be upset?”

Geno sighs and runs a hand through his hair as he leans forward to rest his elbows on the table. “Maybe. Probably.” He takes a deep breath. “Mama, Papa very close to me but they not really know about my private life. Just not sure how they react when they find out, you know.”

“Find out about the baby or…?” Sid feels like it probably doesn’t need to be said.

Geno nods. “In Russia, be with guy very bad. Not safe.”

“Yeah,” Sid swallows hard. For the first time he’s thinking about consequences beyond the scope of Pittsburgh and the NHL and he’s suddenly grateful he’s from Canada.

“Not something I need to tell them before but now…”

“Right. Now I’m pregnant and fucked that up for you.”

Geno looks up and grabs Sid’s wrist. “You not fuck anything up, Sid. Take two people make this happen. Was my choice, too and I’m not regret.”

“Well, I’ll understand if you decide not to tell anyone. I mean, I’d get it.”

“Not going to be that way. Just have to figure out best way. Maybe not be easy but I do because it’s important. Besides, better to tell now than someone here find out and they hear in press.”

Sid looks up, struck again by all the things weighing on Geno with this pregnancy.

“I guess we should probably be more careful around town, too. I mean, if it got out it would be bad.”

Geno sighs and runs a hand through his hair again. “Would be very bad. Here, maybe not as much but Russia… I probably can’t go back.”

“Oh god. You can’t—” Sid shakes his head. Somewhere in his mind he knew it but hearing it like this brings it into stark contrast. “I can’t be the person responsible for that. I won’t tell anyone, Geno. I promise.”

“Not the kind of thing to keep secret forever. Eventually, baby born and grow. Seem impossible to keep thing like this secret.”

“We’ll do it, we’ll find a way.”

Geno shakes his head. “You really want that? Not so sure I do.”

Sid’s heart sinks. “What do you mean?”

“Even if we could keep total secret, what kind of life that be for our baby? What kind of life that be for us? Maybe not ideal and maybe some hard consequences but still a baby, still going to be child for us to raise. Our baby, Sid.” To Sid’s surprise, Geno smiles and it fills him warmth.

“Only know for two days and already think about baby growing up. Want to teach him to skate and play hockey, want to take him to family skate and bring him to games.”

Sid realizes he’s smiling too. “Him?”

Geno’s grin brightens. “Have a feeling.”

“What if it’s a girl?”

“Not matter. Do all same thing. All that matter is she our baby, our family.” Geno’s smile stretches across his face. “We gonna get to love our little baby and watch him grow up. Maybe hard, little bit scary now but gonna be worth it, you know?”

And Sid suddenly has to blink back tears because in all the time he’s known about the pregnancy, he’d never felt like he could talk about his future with his baby, that he could look forward to it. It had hurt that everyone saw this as a burden, nothing but a crisis to manage. But now Geno is saying things out loud that Sid has barely felt allowed to even think privately.

“Yeah.” Sid has to swallow. “I do,” he breathes and he means it.

“Wouldn’t trade for anything now that I know, Sid. Don’t care what happen.”

“But what about the team? The NHL, Russia?”

Geno meets his gaze. “We figure it out. Not want you worry about it, okay? Just focus on take care of you and take care of baby. Most important.”

Sid sighs. “I’ll try. I, um, I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple of days.”

Geno’s face lights up and Sid’s glad he told him. “When? Maybe I find way to go?”

“Friday at three.”

Geno frowns. “Have meeting.”

“Oh. Well, I…”

“I’m sorry.”

Sid takes a deep breath and forces himself to look at Geno. “You don’t have to apologize. I know you have responsibilities. Honestly, the fact that you care at all means a lot. So, don’t worry, okay?”

Geno nods, looking a little miserable. “You call me, tell how it goes?”

“For sure.”

“Maybe we get together after?”

Sid smiles because this is just all so much more and so much better than he ever expected. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

Geno drives Sid back to where he’d parked earlier. It’s still crowded and Sid knows they can’t linger with Geno idling in a no parking zone so he pulls the envelope out of his pocket and pushes it into Geno’s hands before he gets out of the car.

“What this?”

“It’s not all of it, not even close but it’s part of what I owe you.”

Geno frowns. “Sid…”

“Not negotiable. See you Friday.” He closes the door before Geno can reply

Part 9

#Take My Hand #my fic #mpreg #rpf #sidgeno #part 8

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stanstiktok · 5 years

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OK so you all wanted it. i could definitely do a fuller analysis over this but this is what im gonna start with bc im thinking about it right now. ill most likely have a thousand more things to add bc ill remember them later after writing this but heres my initial pitch as to why stan marsh is obviously gay. most of this is about his compulsory heterosexuality.

first of all we need to address the elephant in the room being his relationship with wendy. i feel like a lot of ppl are very quick to off him as being bi or pan or something. and while it may seem that way, personally having lived my life being a gay man throughout school, i dont think thats the case.

his relationship with wendy is INCREDIBLY surface level. it seems forced more than anything. i take a lot of this from my own experience in being a gay boy at school, and i definitely had a ton of compulsory heterosexuality, which is exactly what i feel that stan deals with. you may think that younger boys at school dont really “deal” with that, but i assure you that your friends who are also boys can be brutal about this sort of thing when it comes down to it.

stan more really seems to like, just like girls because thats the “right” thing to do. thats what everyone else expects. thats what everyone else wants. he wants to fit in he doesnt want to make a scene and he doesnt want it to be talked about.

nothing about stan really says that his crush on wendy is anything other than this. the dude just likes her because he can, basically. there is no basis to the crush or them dating. honestly when you look at it it really seems like a way to assert the fact that hes “not” gay. putting your life into liking a girl you dont actually have any feelings for is something ive done personally in an effort to show that i was straight when i very clearly wasnt. i convinced myself i liked a girl to the point where it was unhealthily effecting me, i genuinely thought i liked her and thats what i told my friends, because i wanted them to accept me as a “straight” guy. Stan seems to mirror that, as he doesnt really have many reasoning into liking her. its surface level attraction, and he uses that as a ground to show that hes straight. no one questions you if you lie about it and convince yourself otherwise, dude.

if you dont buy into it, its kinda been scrapped as far as recent episodes go, but him throwing up whenever wendy would go to kiss him is an incredibly big indicator at this possible comphet. as its a gag, i wouldnt use it too much into the point, but there really isnt a straight reason to throw up when a girl goes to kiss you.

still on the point of wendy, her being genderfluid canonically also affects stan. stans confused about it, which is fair play to him. hes stressed out about it when she begins to identify as not just a girl. but he doesnt question her decision to do so or take any kind of action to break that crush towards her. i feel if he really was straight, and i know straight men, he would adamantly refuse this and stuff. but he doesnt he just kinda rolls with it. while i still think his crush on wendy is completely comphet, he doesnt make the move to change anything when she identifies as wendyl. its more acceptance towards it, despite how confused and stressed out he is at the thought. its also interesting how they make it clear to show his confusion with his sexuality at this point.

tweekxcraig is another example of this. stan becomes the focus. stan is the one whos confused. everyone else is kind of just like whatever about it, but stans the one up at night threating over 2 kids, who arent even really his friends, being gay! why would stan be a center in this if he wasnt also dealing with his sexuality in some way, it doesnt make sense for him to be like this. straight dudes tend to be god awfully sensitive about their sexuality, but stan isnt at all. stan questions it and questions himself. many others have pointed this out before, too. when there is an episode involving sexuality or gender, it always seems to point in on stan for some reason. always stan.

there are plenty of instances when stan is also called gay in a mocking sense, or kyle is referred to as his boyfriend or something. he never seems to fight that, though. he just kind of takes it! if he were straight he might be more adamant that this isnt the case, but i dont think he is. he brushes it off more often than not.

and lets not forget big gay al, i dont have to say much other than that for this one!

and im most likely forgetting a lot right now, but i really wanted to talk about the comphet aspect of this. i 100% believe that stan deals with comphet feelings and thoughts.

#stan marsh #htanks guys

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missjackil · 5 years

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My 14x13 Opinion

Lebanon The 300th Episode

I am so proud of this episode and so blown away by how awesome these last 4 episodes have been! Might be an unpopular opinion guys but I really like this season! Sure its had some duds like Optimism and The Scar (Though The Scar had a great broment) but I thought we’d be getting Leader!Sam this season but we have emotionally wrecked!Sam instead, and Im here for that! Needless to say I LOVED this episode, I was so pleased with pretty much everything and I have no big complaints, so lets have at it! I enjoyed the lightness of the beginning, and getting a look at the town. Im so pleased they FINALLY noted that Lebanon KS is the geographical center of the country! So the boys can get anywhere in the country within a day and a half. Its kinda weird though that Lebanon seems to have 3 different post offices. The one from Something About Mary, the one from The Spear, and now this one. LOL thats no big deal so lets move along.

It was funny that the dude in the pawn shop committed suicide by Winchester, which of course is trying to, or successfully killing one gets you killed by the other, and Dean acknowledges that they all talk too much LOL.

The kids talking about the rumors about the boys was fun but I really wasnt impressed by “cool chick” Max. I liked the boy in the hat though, he was great. Stealing Baby is also suicide by Winchester but Sam and Dean dont go around killing teenagers so, they got lucky.

I was amuzed by the ghost of John Wayne Gacey clown, and Dean being all “You love serial killers but hate clowns!” and Sam being like “I get it Dean” but Im really glad they didnt make Sam act like he was scared like the other times before. It just wouldnt have fit well into this episode I dont think. Saving Dean is more urgent than a clown fear right?

Moving on to the meat, and this was as meaty as an episode can get! Dad comes because Dean makes a wish. It seems Dean’s desire to have his family together is more of a desire than getting ole Mike out of his head, and thats really pretty sweet. Dad recognizes the boys right away, which is cool especially since Sam looks NOTHING like he did back in 05, let alone 03 but John says “What happened to you?” I reckon they aged 15+ yrs Pops!

The boys give Dad the nutshell version of their lives over shots of whiskey, because, how else could you do it? But man, John’s face when he hears Mary’s voice was amazing! And I dont even like Mary but, good lord if she didnt nail these scenes! My hear crumbled, their reunion kiss was completely believable even though we never saw them kiss on the show before. I saw some of you whine that John didnt ask permission first... really? I could see if they were gonna have sex, but when does anyone on TV ever ask to kiss someone?? Not very often. It was by far the most romantic thing Ive ever seen on this show,

Like typical Winchesters, Dean is sucked into whats right before him and Sam is worried about the big picture. But Sam doesnt lean too hard on Dean about it, lets all have the nice family dinner we’ve never had.

While compiling a shopping list with Mom, Dean leaves Sam alone with Dad. This scene was .... WOW... so well written and brilliantly acted. I had been wondering how Sam and John would hash things out and this was so much better than I invisioned. Its so in character for the Sam we have watched grow over the last 14 years to get over the bad and focus on the good, because those you love can be taken away in a heartbeat and being left with hard feelings is the worst. All he can think of is seeing Dad dead on the floor and he never got to say goodbye. and he never got to smooth things over. Sams emotions were raw and real! Jared really let Sam feel it, all the regret and anger and loneliness, melts away and turns into “but you loved us.... and thats enough” It was so refreshing to get so much emotional POV from Sam. Something we;ve gotten more of this season than we ever have. It hurts like a mother... but its worth it.

After the heart shattering talk, Sam composes himself and tells Dean hes right. This was a good thing even if its jut temporary. He asks Dean if he wants company for shopping, and this is like Sam wanting to hold on to his rock (Dean). This is precious.

The boys leave Mom and Dad alone, and go shopping. Now we discover that the timeline has shifted and they have alternate selves. Dean is a wanted criminal and Sam, omg lol Sam is flaming TED talking douchebag that wears turtlenecks, loves Kale, doesnt drink coffee, and doesnt see the need for hobbies or family. But, I gotta say hes lovely in glasses 😎

This inevitably means that not only will Mom disappear, but the boys wont have the relationship they do, and we know, thats a fate worse than the universe exploding. Meanwhile we get a guest appearance by Zachariah and Cas, and Cas is back to S4-ish Cas and possibly even more of a dick. Sam and Dean find them as theyre about to kill the teenagers from earlier and save them. Cas of course doesnt know them from Adam but Zach does. A fight ensues and I just have to state very clearly that Dean went after cas with the angel blade with no second thoughts. Zach attacks Sam and tries to kill him, but Sam kills him instead. Now thats poetic to have been killed by both Winchesters at different times!

Now Cas is trying to kil Sam, which as we know, never goes over well with Dean, but Cas really nails Sam HARD in the face and Sam spews blood all over! That was pretty graphic and dramatic! Well full strength douchebag angel or not, Dean doesnt let you beat on Sam. so heattacks Cas, and Cas is about to kill Dean. There is no “Cas its me!! Fight this!! I love you!!” like all the hellers wanted and predicted LMAO instead Sam writes a sigil with his blood and zaps Cas away.

Back at home, yet another highly emotional scene as Sam tells Mom why they have to let Dad go... she would just fade away and they would become their “other” selves. Mary cries real tears. and Sam overflows again. God my heart!! Dean talks to Dad and Dad is more than willing to lay his life down for Mom. They all sit solomly at the dinner table. Oddly enough Sam is the only one eating, and Im sure theres meta in there somewhere.... all I can think of at the moment is that hes distracting himself from the painful slence, and hes the only one who never really had Winchester Surprise. John decides to lighten the mood and be grateful for this time, and they all follow suit. And it was glorious!! My boys laughing and eating and enjoying themselves with mom and dad, I just dont know what words to give this scene!

Afterwards, Sam and Dean are washing dishes together #husbros and they briefly discuss keeping it the way it is. I mean really.... Mom may disappear and they wont be insanely co-dependent, but Michael wont be in Dean’s head anymore, because nothing leading up to it would have ever happened. Dean says hes good with who he is, and hes good with who Sam is, and hes just too old to want to change it.

The farewell scene was nothing less than earth shattering painful. Dean was surprisingly calm and stoic, though he had many tears. It was as if on purpose, he let Sam and Mom have all the emotions. John hugs his sons one last time. and tells them he’s so proud of them, Poor Sam is gutted. He cant even pretend he isnt crying. Dad tells them he loves them. Dean says he loves him too. Sam cant get words out so he wipes his face and nods. In a beautiful paralell from the old days when John told Dean “Take care of Sammy” and Dean answers “I always do” John says “Take care of each other” and Sam answers “We always do”😭😭😭😭😭😭John takes Mary’s hand and Sam in obvious pain crushes the pearl and Dad fades away. He wakes up in Baby back in 2003 believing he had a good dream.

Now we have to wait a freakin month for the next episode. But Ill be ok. I think I need a break from all the emotions of the last several episodes because the next couple will probably be less dramatic. This is ok, if every episode was this emotional, even that would get old fast. We only have 7 episodes left and I dont want to rush to the end of the season for a freakin 6 month hiatus!! AGGGHHHHH!!

Overall I am in love with this episode. It may have moved itself into first place but it has at least tied. This episode definitely met and exceeded my expectations, and last week I thought it wouldnt be able to beat that one. Im so proud of SPN, the writers, and the cast of this episode Ill give them all a standing ovation 👏👏👏👏👍💖 I think its abundantly clear now that Dabb DOES care about the brother bond and doesnt give a rats ass about dean/cas in fact it looks as if the next few episodes might be Dean lite... but we never really know till we watch the episodes.

In conclusion. on a scale from Bloodlines to Who We Are, Lebanon is a 10. Well done show.... well done! Now onward to the 400th episode!!

#14x13 spoilers #spn 300 spoilers #best episode ever

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eyecicles · 5 years

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i'm autistic...i've known for about 6 years now, and i was diagnosed pretty late (17) and in secret. my mom doesnt believe in autism, calls it "all in my head", and she doesnt take the resulting depression and anxiety seriously either. she yells at me for everything i've come to learn has to do with my autism, and claims to have read and researched everything but i know she hasnt (or if she has, its been 1 or 2 unreliable articles) /1

whenever i break and tell her she’s yelling at me for something outside of my control (for example, being uncomfortable with sudden changes in plans or making eye contact) she starts talking about how if i keep saying it to myself i’ll never get better and i should acknowledge the problem and stuff like that. she doesnt want me to go to therapy and if i must, its gonna be someone she picks out and i really dont want to go there

im kinda scared of therapy as it is because ive lived my whole life this way and im worried that i’ll lose bits of my personality if i start to change (even if its for the better) and i dont want to go but i also know that i should, and i also really want an official diagnosis from someone whose opinion actually counts (because mine sure as fuck doesnt) so that my parents could get off my back about these things. im really confused about how to explain shit to them

and how to approach this whole thing because im so tired of having to constantly adapt to every new thing she insists on especially when im not mentally ready for it. she doesnt take my mental health seriously or considers it a priority and then tries to act like she cares (she does care, i know that, but her approach is all wrong) but refuses to take my opinion on it anyway, even tho im clearly the one suffering most. ive even told her (after a long time) that she hurts me but she wont stop

im sorry to dump this all on you but none of my friends have problems like this and my family doesnt believe in MIs because of the stigma around them here, and i dont know who else to ask for advice from. if you could give me anything at all, i’d appreciate it so much

_____________________________________________________________

Hmm, I don’t exactly know what you mean with "diagnosed in secret”. You don’t have access to any papers or anything else you could use as proof?

Asking the people who diagnosed you for something like a certification would be your easiest option, of course. But if that’s, for some reason, not possible, I would advice you to either talk to someone from an autism counselling centre (if that’s a thing where you live) or your doctor. They will help you find out how to get an official diagnosis, because I definitely think that would be your best course of action.

I unfortunately know a lot of parents who treat their autistic child like your mother does. And some of them refuse to accept the truth even when they’re confronted with hard facts and actual evidence, like a professional diagnosis. I think what helped a lot of people is talking about autism in a way that humanises us. Showing them interviews, videos or books by other autistic people in similar situations, with similar struggles, or just talking about as neutral as possible. No method is infallible, sadly, but I found that normalising or talking about the more positive aspects of autism will sometimes change the minds of parents with autistic children. Sometimes only to some degree and very slowly, but it’s still better than nothing, I suppose.

My parents were quick to accept that I’m autistic, but they’re pretty much like your mother when it comes to mental illnesses. It’s a very tricky situation and a topic I’m trying to avoid with them. I personally don’t think that changing the perspectives of one’s parents should be anyone’s main focus though, even if their words still hurt. Self acceptance and getting the help you might need are infinitely more important in the end.

I understand your concerns about therapy, I really do. Almost every autistic person has a comorbid diagnosis (I think it’s about 90%), or several, and getting the right kind of therapy is often unavoidable if we want to get better. But that’s also why it can be important to get an official diagnosis: regular therapy, with someone who doesn’t know a whole lot about autism (because let’s face it: even mental health professionals mostly know jack shit about autism if they didn’t study it) is often times almost completely fruitless. A good therapist won’t try to change your personality and autism symptoms by the way.

I know you said that your mother would want to pick your therapist, but it’s not for her to decide. Especially not when you’ve got the diagnosis, because the psychologists in charge will recommend you therapists that are well-versed in autism and the unique struggles we face. If you have still concerns about your mother, you can and should bring this up with those people as well! They will know how to best handle situations like yours, since it’s sadly not that uncommon.

The first step is usually the hardest. But to me it sounds like you desperately need to change something about your situation - you can see yourself that you won’t convince your mother the way you tried. But a diagnosis and therapy can help you in so many ways you might not even be aware of yet. It’s of course not a magical remedy to all your problems, but I think the fact that you reached out to me already shows that you’re on the right path. You seem to fully realise yourself that it can’t go on like that. Which is great!

So yes, my advice would be to first talk to someone from an Autism Centre of Excellence (or however it’s called where you’re from, it should be easy enough to find online) (you can usually e-mail them as well, if you don't want to call) or a doctor.

Another thing: if you haven’t already, I think it could help to check out the autism community online. There are many people in similar situations, with similar concerns, and just reading about other autistic people’s experiences online helped me a great deal. You can for example check out the #actuallyautistic tag on tumblr, or this blog. If you like, you can of course ask me more questions, of course.

I wish you the best of luck, anon!

#answered ask #anon #not dn

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catgirldirk · 5 years

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so i just learned that. APPARENTLY. theres 2 different types of empathytheres cognitive empathy which is like... u kno when u make an effort to see things from another persons perspective and then u like talk to them with understanding and care?yeahand then emotional empathy is the type everyone knows which is just being able to feel what others feelso like heres my hot takeyou know how jake is the introvert but acts like hes really an extrovert and dirk is the literal opposite? thats them but with the different types of empathyjake= high cognitive empathy, low emotional empathy dirk= low cognitive empathy, high emotional empathyi just had a really long conversation abt this but basically likejake can come off as insensitive or not understanding he legit just has a hard time with le Emotions, but he really does go out of his way to understand what his friends are feeling, even if he doesnt understand how or why his friends feel the way they doso its likejake: i want to help my friends because i can see theyre having a hard time but i dont really understand the feelings behind it but im going to try and help anywaysand since he never had a lot of social interaction, he likely got his knowledge of how people with regular empathy function from movies. so like in movies he sees someone acting/talking a certain way when they are sad so when he sees one of his friends acting the same way hes like "oh man they must be sad" so he tries to help and understand but it can come off as insensitive because at the end of the day he really just doesnt Get the emotions behind the actionsso him going out of his way to help and talk is a sign of cognitive empathymeanwhile dirk is likeokay i can feel what youre feeling, almost to a painful extent but i really dont know how to go from hereso, even though dirk can feel what others are feeling, he doesnt know how to handle the situation or really approach that person in particular, and that makes him come off as a rude bitchand i dont know the actual reasons behind him concealing his emotions but in my mind id imagine its part of him not wanting to really show how much he truly feels for others, like another form of self preservation? as i continue reading, ill see how that holds up, because im not sureid also imagine that sort of gives him more responsibility, if people knew that he really is an emotionally empathetic person?like, people know hes highly empathetic so they expect him to act like it but since he lacks cognitive empathy but hes like N.but since cognitive empathy is something that can be improved and worked on, id imagine thats something hed work on during his journey of recovery, yeah?(edited)emotional empathy isnt really something that can be changed, though, so i figure jake would just focus on how he approaches situations and observes peoplei would also think this is one of the reasons that dirk and jake didnt work outtheyre, like, the same person, just in different waysand like. since jake depends on others expressing their emotions for him to be sure of how theyre doing, the fact that dirk purposely hides his emotions wouldnt work out at allmeanwhile dirk is having a hard time getting a read on what jake is feeling because jake just doesnt really feel the need to talk about what hes feeling because like. obviously he doesnt have strong emotionsand of course i dont know much about dirkjake because i havent even got there yet, but this is just what i think what makes sense with the information i have right nowso like from what i understand a lot of why dirk and jakes relationship didnt work out is because of lack of communication or bad communication, right? so this disparity in experiences with empathy would contribute a lot to that problemtalking about their relationship is getting into risky territory, though, so i just wont get too much into it since im going off very limited informationanyways, this is just my thoughts on how dirk and jake experience empathy... as i continue reading i will have more to go off of but as of now this is just what i think based off what little i have

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astrifica · 5 years

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What if your family doesnt take you serious, even though youve had a few episodes infront of them? My dad is insisting that Im just sensitive to ghosts and I should talk to them, but the things I deal with dont look or sound like ghosts. I try to explain and show him art of what they look like and how im scared, but he thinks im being dramatic, Im afraid of starting to believe him. I always tell my friends these things but im scared of them being afraid of me, even though they always support me

I’m really sorry your family isn’t as supportive as they should be, and instead are only making you feel worse about it and invalidating your struggles. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have the best intentions doing so, but sadly good intentions don’t change the damage these things can do.

I know this doesn’t actually help your situation but I just want to let you know that you’re not alone in this experience, especially within the psychosis spec community. It’s sadly a surprisingly common occurrence where non-psychotics try to turn our symptoms into something they’re not, by for example trying to make them into a spiritual or religious thing.

I’m really glad that thus far it hasn’t had too bad repercussions on your delusional thinking though from what you’ve said (correct me if I’m wrong), because in some instances people pushing that type of ideology on you can have really bad, and sometimes dangerous effects on your psychotic symptoms, especially at times where you’re already having trouble keeping in touch with reality. Taking all that in account, I completely understand why you’re afraid of starting to believe this ideology. Therefore I also quickly want to tell you that it’s really great you’re still trying to actively keep on seeing these things as symptoms rather than giving in to theories like that, and to instead still keep striving to get help for them! I’m really genuinely proud of you for that, because that can really be awfully difficult.

On that note though, I think that for now it might be best to pause trying to make your parents understand your symptoms as it’s only being met with ignorance thus far, and that doesn’t seem to help your situation in the slightest. So while it could definitely still be a future project, it might be best to direct the focus off of that and to try your best to keep in mind that you do not need them to fully understand your symptoms in order to reach out and receive help.

I don’t know if you’re over 18 or not, but if you, are the best thing to do might be to seek out professional help on your own. Even if your parents aren’t entirely supportive or understanding towards it (if that’s safe to do of course). But if not, a good option might be trying to explain to your parents that you want to access professional help without actively making them understand the specifics of why, and just that you feel it’d benefit you. If you feel explaining it like that doesn’t convince them though, it might potentially be an option to use their theories in your explanation. You could potentially do this by phrasing it like you feel accessing therapy would help you cope with their reasoning for your symptoms. Another option might be trying to access professional help through counsellors of sorts from a school setting if you’re currently going to school, or otherwise through organisations, programmes or community centres in your area. It might also be an additional option to contact your local social services to see if they can provide any help in it.

Then once you’re in the process of receiving professional help, it could definitely become an option to have your doctor try and get your parents to understand that these are in fact symptoms you’re experiencing, rather than hearing it from you. Sadly it’s more often than not the case that people who believe these kinds of ideologies will be quicker to believe an authority figure or generally more “intimidating” professionals than the person actually experiencing it.

After that, once they do feel they want to learn about it and intend to help you you could work out some tips/guidelines on how to (and how not to) actually do so with your doctor.

If it ends up being the case where that’s not an option (yet) or if they still don’t understand it then, please try and keep in mind that your parents understanding your symptoms or supporting your need for help with them and through that being an active part in this area of your life isn’t a requirement for still having a good relationship with them and having a good support system with the help you need. There’s plenty of cases where mentally and physically ill individuals leave that area of their life more superficial towards their family as it simply doesn’t benefit them (or would even have adverse effects) to have a deeper relationship with them on it due to the family’s ignorance or ableism etc while still being close to their family with things not relating their mental or physical illness and that’s perfectly fine too.

I also completely understand your worries towards your friends, but honestly it seems like that with how supportive you say they’ve already been, there’s not a whole lot to actively worry about regarding bigger changes in their attitude towards you. So for that bit, my biggest suggestion is trying to communicate these fears/worries with them, and to potentially show them some info on why there’s no need to be afraid of you just because you experience psychotic symptoms.

I should also add though, while I don’t think it’ll actually happen, that if any of your friends do end up having that type of attitude towards you even if you explain to them why it’s not an attitude they need to have, that they wouldn’t end up being good friends to begin with and in that case you deserve some much more understanding and caring friends.

I really hope any of this can be of help to you but if you have any further questions please don’t hesitate to ask! ♡

#ask #anonymous #advice

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thedistantstorm · 5 years

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Phoenix Protocol 03

A Zavala x Female Guardian work.

Summary: When the Traveler’s Light was returned to the Guardians after the defeat of the Cabal, it did not manifest itself the same in everyone. Miyu, an Awoken Warlock, finds herself struggling with her abilities, her Light feeling different and not her own. With her Vanguard preoccupied with grief and all eyes turned to the Reef, she finds herself turning to an unlikely source in an attempt to rediscover her connection to the Light and define what it means for her as a Dawnblade.

Previously

A voice bellows her name, puncturing her concentration in such a way that it feels like coming up for air. “Miyu!”

She knows that voice, she realizes. It’s the Commander.

When the realization fully processes and she realizes she doesn't know how long he's been watching, her head rockets up, the rift and solar fire dissipate immediately. Her hands fall to her sides, covered thankfully by her sleeves. She can feel the tingling prickle of numbness that indicates she’s burned herself severely, despite the rift. She sighs and straightens from her throwing stance.

Zavala jumps down from the spectating balcony dressed in a cotton training tunic and lacking most of his armor, with the exception of his mark. It flaps quietly as he lands on the ground in the arena, knees easily accepting the impact of the fall. He runs toward her, concern evident in the brightness of his eyes and set of his jaw.

“What were you doing?” He stands before her now. “I heard a scream.”

“Oh,” The Warlock sighs. “Sorry, Commander. Something hurt more than I thought it would. I didn’t mean to-” She looks down at his sweat-soaked training gear in surprise. She had expected to be the only one here, today of all days. “-disturb you from your drills?”

The Vanguard Commander nods and she notices his slightly heavier breathing. “It’s fine. You are unharmed?”

“I’m fine,” She agrees.

Ghost hangs nearby, his optic narrowing on her in concern. Zavala looks up at him in turn, and the small being hovers backward, clearly caught. “You are not,” The Vanguard says quietly, “Are you?” His scrutiny is unbearable.

She moves to tuck her arms behind her back, to mimic the pose he usually takes, when he looks over the City from his post in the Tower. If she can get them behind her back, he -

Zavala grabs her left forearm with his right hand. Miyu hisses. His brows raise, eyes narrowing as he turns her palm over and peels back the sleeve of her robe. He gasps. Blistered, bubbling skin, pink and red and black, weeping and angry meets the light of day.

“How did-”

She snatches her arm from his grasp, ignoring the watering of her eyes. “I’m very sorry for interrupting you,” She repeats quietly. “My Ghost will heal me. It’s fine.” She turns her back to him, looks to her partner, and takes several steps before breaking into a run. It’s clear she does not want Zavala to follow her.

The Commander does anyway, taking measured, calm steps, her Ghost at his side, looking fretful. “Miyu is having difficulty with her Light, I’m sure you’ve noticed,” The little Light explains. “After the war… it - we didn’t,” He doesn’t know how to explain it and finally sighs. “It’s different now.”

The duo finds the Warlock braced over one of the sinks in the empty locker room, robe discarded carelessly on the ground, using her right hand - the less burned one - to splash water on her face. Being so pale in complexion, the redness of her eyes and cheeks immediately drew attention to the chaotic swirling of white aura beneath her normally equally light skin.

“Miyu,” Both Titan and Ghost say, before looking at each other in curious surprise. Zavala blinks, but lets her Ghost take the floor.

Ghost speaks. “Miyu, let me heal you,” He calls gently. “That has to hurt.” She cradles the damaged arm against her chest, her undershirt already soaked with sweat and water turning pink with plasma and blood on contact. Her eyes dart to him, and he turns to the Commander. “Give us a moment,” The Ghost implores. “Please.”

Zavala nods and retreats back into the hallway.

Pale light casts a shadow of his hulking form against the stone floor when her Ghost shucks his shell and swathes her in the glow. The Commander hears the combined sigh of Ghost and Guardian, and a quiet metallic gargle when the Ghost speaks to her. “It’s okay,” He’s telling her. Zavala feels a touch rude for listening in, though there’s no way for him to tune them out in the echoing, empty halls. “He’s worried, not mad. Just… talk to him, okay? Maybe he can help.”

Ghost transmats her soiled training robe away for a softer one. Her skin stayed sensitive afterward, sometimes - the Light not healing it all, not really, and he was always mindful of her needs. She held her hand out for him to rest when she exits the locker room, and Ghost drops to her hand - accepting an affectionate nudge of her fingers against his cones - before disappearing in a shower of sparks.

“Your Ghost cares about you a great deal,” Zavala says, echoing previous words. He does not make eye contact, like she’s expecting. She’s not sure if she’s grateful or feels like she’s being treated like a caged animal. “He said you have been experiencing difficulties with your Light, since the War.”

She nods her agreement, looking sheepish. “Both of those things are true.”

This time, he does meet her pale gaze. “Have you talked to Ikora about it? Certainly she’d be willing to help you.”

Miyu looks away, and shrugs. “I’ll do that,” She says, but his eyes don’t leave her face, staying trained on it - reading it - despite the fact that she’s looking at the ground.

“You have, haven’t you,” He intones, gently. “You’ve talked to her about this.”

The sideways pull of her lips in a disapproving frown is a giveaway. “Maybe once or twice,” She admits. Certainly more than that, but she’s not in the business of putting down her Vanguard.

“Does she not listen?”

“She doesn’t understand,” Miyu finally says, a bit more abruptly than she’d planned to. “She doesn’t understand how my Light can be so different from what it was before. I don’t think I’m supposed to use it in the way the Dawnblades do. Not anymore.” A peek up at his face reveals pensive concern, not condemnation. It spurs her onward. “She believes pushing me into the worst situations possible will help me to reconnect. But-”

“That is a terrible idea,” Zavala says, mostly to himself. He looks up at her in surprise, as if he can’t believe he’s said it out loud, but then admits, “While the Light may very well react if you feel threatened, if it does not, the cost…” He trails off, looks back at her, contemplative. The conflicted look on her face tells him that she’s thought of that, as well.

Miyu leans back against the wall, crossing her arms. “How does a Titan - a Sentinel,” She specifies, asking, “Call upon their Ward of Dawn?”

His brows furrow. “Not that I mind,” He holds out both hands as if demonstrating that her question is not unwelcome, “But what does this have to do with our conversation?”

The Awoken Warlock steps past him, looks down the hall to the empty training arena. “I believe that my Light might be better served in a more defensive manner. That perhaps my rift might hold the key.”

Rubbing a hand against his chin, Zavala thinks it over. “Your research,” He recalls. “You are trying to unlock a different type of ability.”

She nods, a little twinge of a smile here and gone when she faces him again. He understood her immediately, and yet Ikora… she didn’t seem to understand despite Miyu’s attempts at being transparent. “I think I might be able to use my Light, specifically, maybe to not hurt myself, or at least let it last longer, if I try something different. Something with a focus on healing. Protecting.” She reaches up for her ashen black hair, combs her fingers through some of the tangles. “After all, isn’t that our purpose? To protect? If I want to reconnect to my Light, I think that might be the way to do it.”

He still gives her Vanguard the benefit of the doubt, saying, “Certainly Ikora would be interested in-”

Miyu shakes her head and Zavala stops short. “Maybe it will change, but…” She shrugs. “She wants me in the Reef. Up until today, I think she wanted me to help find Uldren.” Zavala doesn’t react to the name, though Miyu watches him carefully. “I don’t want anything to do with that.”

“What do you want?” Zavala asks her. Not judgmental. Neutral. Perhaps curious, just a little.

“I want to feel like me again. I want to prevent what happened - what the Cabal did,” Her fists clench. “I don’t ever want it to happen to us, ever again.” She sighs. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to unload on you. I know Ghost said you’d hear me out, but this - it isn’t your problem.”

“No,” He agrees. “But perhaps I can help. I’ll show you how my power manifests, and let you determine if the Ward of Dawn could assist you in your search for answers. However, we cannot do it now. My schedule is-”

The apology stumbles from her lips as she realizes how much of his valuable time she’s taken. He was trying to train, too. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“Stop apologizing, Miyu. It is not your fault I am the Vanguard Commander.” This time, his lips do almost make it to what would be considered a smile, and his tone is nearly teasing. “I lead the Titans in drills most mornings, before dawn, in the training facilities here. You’re welcome to come spectate, if it will help. The schedule should be posted.”

She bows, pressing her hands together. “Thank you,” She chimes. “I appreciate it.”

“I hope you find what you are looking for,” He replies, and his hand finds his way to her shoulder, a gentle squeeze. An affirmation that someone beyond her Ghost might actually care. It makes her flush. “I cannot imagine…”

“It’s difficult,” Miyu admits, voice quiet. “I don’t know if it was because I was in the middle of casting Dawnblade when the Traveler was captured and the Light was ripped from us,” The words are a whisper that she’s not shared with anyone besides Ghost, who was there. “But it feels like it’s all there, you know?” He doesn’t, she knows, but he doesn’t interrupt. She sees the uncomfortable shift in his stance, knows that from his perspective she’s describing something horrific he never hopes to experience. “I can feel the Light there, to be called upon. It just… won’t come out all the way.” She shrugs. “Anyway,” She transitions, not paying attention to the brilliant eyes that soften as they listen to her resolve, “There has to be a reason. I’ll figure it out and persevere. That’s what we do.”

That evening, when she finishes up her late patrols and checks in, Kadi, the postmaster, has a message for her. The frame produces two books, old ones. Tucked within the cover of the first one is a small note, written on thick ivory paper with neat handwriting.

She doesn’t need to know his handwriting to know it’s from him, the two symbols denoting her name in its proper, original form tipping her off. Pre-Collapse Japanese, he’d said, when he learned her name. It brings a smile to her lips. He seemed like the kind of man who would know about languages, how to read and write them. She found herself curious as to what he’d write her, after their encounter earlier in the afternoon.

実優

Perhaps these texts would prove useful. I am not sure how the translation would be made between the Void and Solar energies as they are very different, but it might be worth a read.

I will be focusing on training my new Sentinels in two days’ time, at the place and time we discussed. Afterward, I anticipate being free long enough to answer your questions, should you have any.

-Zavala

Ghost looked down at the paper, then back up at her face and the pleasant surprise he sees there. “See,” He says, “What did I tell you, Yu-mi? He might be able to help. At the very least, he wants to.”

Miyu smiles. “Yes,” She agrees, cradling the books to her chest and letting Ghost rest atop them as they head home for the night. “You never steer me wrong.”

#commander zavala #oc: miyu #zavala x female guardian #zavala x oc #destiny #destiny fanfiction #destiny stories #destiny fan fiction #slowburn #angst #character development #destiny community #post-forsaken #collection: phoenix protocol

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