#it enrages me that they had to be put in a closet and suffer because they were so scared of being treated differently

[atemu-remus]

It breaks my heart that one of my friends had resisted getting a cane for so long because she was terrified of being treated differently until I got a cane myself to help with my feet. She had the courage to get one herself because she knew at least one other person had that shared solidarity with her if she needed to get one also.

While I'm happy and proud that she did so, it shouldn't have gotten to the point where someone else in the friend group needed to take the plunge for other people to feel comfortable and safe enough to get the same help themselves.

The way people are treated for having physical disabilities is abysmal if we (yes, we, because I am realizing my cane is going to be an as needed basis for the rest of my life and had to make peace with this for the sake of my anxiety) are so terrified of being treated like freaks and monsters, of losing any and all rights and autonomy just by having a visual aid.

I am not someone to be pitied, I don't owe you explanations for why I need my cane or why I don't use it all the time, and I demand the same respect you expect out of me no matter the circumstances. Visual aids do not justify being treated as helpless, incompetent, or seen as a freak. And if you need my health information for you not to judge me, suck my dick.

People that want to oppress me are not entitled to an explanation or sob story just to treat me like a person, even if I know they won't treat me like an equal even with the information anyway.

[hxseok-honee]

sundress || part 8

written portion under the cut!

sundress [part 8] || weirdly normal

previous || masterlist || next

a/n : ['cause you're a one in a million // there ain't no man like you] streets x doja cat

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Saturday, 18 September, 4:33pm

“Sex?”

“No sex.”

“Not even a little bit of sex?! Just like, once a week!” Y/n lifts her head to level Yoongi with a glare, one that has him shrinking back and whispering ‘okay, no sex’. With a shake of her head, she’s dipping her head again, focusing in on the roll of parchment in her lap.

They’re sitting face to face on her bed, each holding some parchment and a quill as they try to ‘negotiate fair terms for their arrangement’, as Y/n had put it when Yoongi had complained about not needing rules.

Y/n’s making the final list of rules on her own parchment, Yoongi tearing off scraps of his and submitting suggestions, most of them sexual in nature. There’s a pile of rejects next to him, but he’s yet to lose hope. Ripping off another piece of paper, he scribbles ‘blowjobs?’ quickly and folds it in half, handing it over to her with a smile. She doesn’t even look up or open it, immediately crumpling it and throwing it back at him. It hits him squarely between the eyes.

Blinking once, he tears off another piece, unfazed - this one says ‘so no head?’. Somehow that one also hits him between the eyes.

“Okay — what do you think?” Y/n sits up straight with a smile, offering Yoongi her draft of the Rules List. He looks it over, eyebrows raised.

No sex!!

Romantic affection is to be kept to public situations as much as possible.

Saturday Night Routine is to remain untouched and untainted.

Min Yoongi must keep his scumminess to a minimum in private.

He finishes reading before looking up, eyes deadpan.

“You are so fucking boring.” Y/n scoffs, reaching out to take the parchment back, but he’s holding it above his head, grabbing for his quill. Quickly he scribbles a fifth rule, one that says “MAKE JEON JUNGKOOK SUFFER” in his chicken scratch. And then he looks up at her, another thought on his mind.

“We should have practice sessions.” Y/n furrows a brow, eyeing him with suspicion.

“What does that mean, and why do I already not like it?” He taps a finger on Rule #2, underlining the words ‘public situations’ lightly with his quill.

“We’re gonna be doing most of this stuff in public, so you’re gonna have to get used to getting freaky with me in public spaces. Library, broom closets, empty corridors and classrooms — that’s what I’m known for.” He looks almost proud when he says it, and Y/n can’t help her amused smile even as she shakes her head in disappointment.

“How are you so fundamentally gross as a person?” He grins back because she’s clearly fond of him, so he feels no shame in how he is, only explaining further.

“If the entirety of Hogwarts is gonna believe I’m taken and off the market, you’re gonna have to keep up with me, babe.” Y/n rolls her eyes, knowing he’s right despite not wanting to admit that. If Yoongi’s putting in the work to make it seem like he’s committed to her, she should at least meet him halfway. And Min Yoongi is a lot of things, but being a total sex fiend is what most people know him to be. She is gonna have to keep up.

“You realize it’s obvious you’re just trying to find somewhere to let out all your sexual frustration, right?” He doesn’t respond, only lifting an eyebrow, silently asking if she’s okay with that. After a moment, she’s sighing, pointing down at the list in his lap.

“Alright, fine. But we need rules for that, too.” He groans, throwing himself backwards onto her mattress dramatically.

“Why do you enjoy ruining every good thing in my life?” When she kicks at his thigh, he’s rolling over onto his stomach, flattening the parchment out in front of him so he can write the word ‘Sessions’, underlining it quickly. And then he looks at her.

“What are you comfortable doing?” She purses her lips, a smile dancing there, because she notices that he doesn’t make it about him and what he is and isn’t allowed to do. He makes it about her and respecting her boundaries. And she knows, by the way he’s tilting his head in confusion when she only smiles down at him, that he has no idea that he’s made that distinction. If he were anyone else, she’d be incredibly attracted to him right now.

But he is him. So she’s blinking that thought away, humming as she considers his question.

“Nothing below the belt…” He nods, writing as she speaks.

“Can I touch your butt?” When she lets out a noise of confusion, he’s looking up at her again. “Like, hand in your pocket while we walk, ass grabbing— that stuff.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t thought of that. She nods after a moment, not seeing the harm in him doing that. “Sure? Not my boobs, though.”

Immediately, he’s flopping backwards onto the bed again, whininess coating his voice when he complains.

“But I already felt everything in the shower! What’s the difference—Ow! Okay!” She’s pushed her feet up against his torso, kicking at him aggressively until he’s rolled away to where she can’t reach him. And then he’s pouting, making grabby hands at her for emphasis while he continues, at a distance now where he can complain safely.

“You know I’d pick tits over ass any day! You’re just doing this to hurt me.” Y/n only smiles mockingly, reaching out to tap a finger on the paper.

“Don’t forget to write ‘no boobs’ there, too!” Yoongi grimaces, rolling back toward her and picking up his quill, angrily scratching the words into the parchment.

“Okay, anything else?” He’d made a big fuss about not being able to touch her boobs, but he’s already over it, and — again — Y/n finds herself full of adoration that Yoongi will never push her boundaries, already having accepted them even when he was complaining about them.

You’re just all bark and no bite, aren’t you?

“Actually, I do bite. I like biting. Why do you ask?” Fighting the urge to smack the palm of her hand to her forehead at the realization that she’d said that aloud, Y/n shakes her head at Yoongi, who seems innocently confused. He shrugs when she doesn’t explain, his eyes lighting up when he thinks of something.

“We should do kinks.” Y/n rolls her eyes.

“Absolutely not—"

“Why not?! We’re gonna figure out what we like eventually if we’re doing these practice sessions, so why not talk about it?” He looks childishly enraged, his pout returning. She only laughs at him, shaking her head.

“Because we’re not doing anything sexual, so what’s the point?” He sighs, sitting up and facing her, crossing his legs as he goes.

“Kinks don’t have to be sexual, you big nerd. It’s not about the sex — it’s about the trust.” Y/n blinks, not having expected him to say something so serious.

“Okay… but if it’s about the trust, how are you acting on all your kinks with the other people? You don’t really know them.” He smiles softly, shaking his head.

“I usually don’t, actually. I just do whatever they want.” Y/n gapes at him, unable to believe that Yoongi had been holding back this whole time.

“So, if someone’s into choking—"

“It’s up to them if they want to trust me to do that for them. Obviously, I’d never go too far, but everyone’s trust thresholds are different. Mine’s just really high, so I always made it about them instead.” He shrugs while he says it, as if they’re talking about what he’d had for lunch and not the surprising weight he puts on trust in sexual situations.

“And you wanna explore that stuff now? With me? We’re not even together.” He tilts his head in confusion again.

“Yeah? There’s no one I trust more than you.” Y/n thinks her head might actually start spinning, because Min Yoongi’s brain is just not wired the same as hers. His ability to be both incredibly simple about his life outlook and shockingly nuanced about the inner workings of his mind — he’s more than just confident and sure of himself. He’s completely self-aware. It’s not the first time she’s been stupidly fond of him, but right now, she thinks he’s amazing.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Y/n blinks, realizing she’s just been staring at him that entire time. She shakes her head, slightly dazed, not even noticing that Yoongi’s looking at her with suspicious eyes. Pointing back to the list, she clears her throat awkwardly.

“Yeah, sure, kinks. But — I’m not telling you shit, it’s embarrassing. Figure it out yourself.” Eyebrows flying to his hairline, Yoongi reaches for the quill slowly, uncertainly.

“For real? You’re down?” She nods, trying to move on already, but Yoongi’s not letting it go, even as he writes it down. “Like… a game, then? We just test shit and see how we react? Because I already know you like having your hair pulled—“

“Oh my— Yoongi!” He snickers at her embarrassment, shaking his head. She has no reason to be shy, he thinks to himself. I’m the last person she has to worry about.

“So…” He glances up at her from where he lies, his eyes full of mischief. Y/n eyes him suspiciously, because he’s definitely about to say something stupid.

“Should we start now, then?” Lifting himself up onto all fours, he starts to crawl over to her, a smirk dancing on the edges of his lips — one that’s hidden quickly by the hand Y/n’s planting on his face, stopping him from coming any closer.

“Get out of my room, Yoongi.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Redirecting, Yoongi heads for the edge of the bed, sliding his sneakers on before standing. “I’ll be back in a couple hours—“ Turning, he cuts himself off, leaning down into Y/n’s face and smiling fondly when she backs away, rightfully wary of him.

“Kiss, please.” She’s immediately glaring, and he’s pointing down at the list on her bed, affronted. “You said Saturday Night Routine has to remain untouched — I still have like 2 hours until then. Kiss, please.”

With an irritated sigh, Y/n leans up, cupping Yoongi’s face and pressing her lips gently to his. Even knowing he’s probably got something up his sleeve, she’s unprepared for him to nibble at her bottom lip, trying to deepen the kiss. Pulling away quickly, she’s smacking at his arm indignantly, glaring when he laughs openly, his shoulders shaking as he does. He leans down quickly, pressing one last kiss to her lips before ducking out of the way of her swinging fist, chuckling to himself as he slings his bag over his shoulder and heads for the door.

“Don’t forget to choose something for us to watch while I pick up our food, okay? I’m not tryna let my dinner get cold because you’re indecisive.”

“That only happened once!” He shoots her a grin over his shoulder as he’s pulling her door open, his eyes amused.

“Love you!” Y/n rolls her eyes at the sing-song way he says it, responding with an annoyed ‘yeah, love you too’ as he’s closing the door behind him. She sits on her bed in silence for a few moments, vaguely disgruntled as she looks down at their list of rules and thinks about that entire conversation.

That was… weirdly normal.

[fortheloveoffanfic]

Family Matters More

Keanu Reeves x reader. Requested. (A/n- So, because I’m terrible at staying organized, I have all of my requests, but not who they were requested by, so, when I write and post and you aren’t tagged even if you didn’t request on anon, I am very, very sorry, it’s no one’s fault but my own.)

Masterlist

Warnings- Pregnancy, Angst (it’s fine at the end though.)

Dropping the phone to the dark veined, marble kitchen counter, Y/n sighed heavily, raking her nails through her hair. Tears prickled at her eyes, making them glassy and ready to overflow. It had been coming, her entire family knew it, but Y/n still couldn’t believe the news she’d just heard from her mother; her uncle, who she’d grown up extremely close to, had died, from lung cancer. He’d been suffering for almost two years, aggressive chemo had only worked the first time, but when another cluster of tumors had shown up in a follow up PET scan, nothing had worked and her family’s only option had been to make his last days comfortable. Unfortunately, his ‘last days’ had turned out to be thirteen grueling months. 

Uncle Kenny had wilted away like flowers at the beginning of winter, growing duller as the days dragged on. The last time Y/n had seen him was months ago, she’d wanted to visit him at the hospice, but collectively, her parents and husband had urged her to keep their interactions restricted to over the phone, not wanting to stress her out too much. It had frustrated her at first, Uncle Kenny was her favorite uncle, always able to put a smile on her face when she was a kid and had taught her so much about the great outdoors while her parents were too busy climbing the corporate ladder to do it themselves. But though it was hard, eventually, Y/n had relented, but only after her uncle had personally requested that she stay away. That had come after she’d told him that she and Keanu were expecting. He loved her, and his unborn grand niece, which was why he couldn't risk something happening to Y/n or the baby because of added stress.

Hanging her head in her hands, Y/n tried to quell the stinging in her eyes, but her efforts were fruitless and before long, hot tears were falling freely, punctuated by soft sobs racking her body. It wasn’t supposed to hurt that much, Y/n knew that it was inevitable, and it should have comforted her that he’d gone in his sleep, but really, it didn’t. If only he hadn’t been such an avid smoker, then maybe he’d still be there, hopefully to teach her daughter the things he’d taught Y/n when she was a kid.

“So, babe I-” Keanu cut himself off as he entered the kitchen. Worry immediately swelling in his chest at the sight of his wife in tears, “Hey,” he cooed, immediately going over to where she sat at the counter, pulling her flush against his chest and smoothing his hands over her hair, “Shh,” he kissed the top of her head, “What’s wrong baby?”

It took a while, Y/n was blubbering so intense that she couldn’t speak, but after about fifteen minutes spent in Keanu’s comforting embrace, she settled enough to form words, “He’s gone Ke,” she sobbed, burrowing into his chest, “Uncle Kenny’s gone.”

Right there, Keanu’s heart broke for her. Of course, everyone knew that the moment was coming, but still his wife had lost someone dear to her, and in such a painful way. All he wanted was to take the hurt away, she was supposed to be enjoying the path to motherhood, not breaking down because she’d lost a loved one. “I’m sorry baby,” Keanu kissed the top of Y/n’s head again. “Come on,” he eventually urged her off of the barstool, hugging her close as he led them to the living room, cuddling her as they sank onto the sofa. “Can I get you anything? Water or tea?” Even if he couldn’t fix her heartbreak, Keanu could still take care of her, and their baby.

“No,” she shook her head, staring forward blankly, her fingers absently tracing circles on her growing bump, too upset to notice the fluttering kicks against her stomach. Why couldn’t he have just stuck around for three more months? If not to see her grow up, just to meet her, at least once. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Keanu probed, wishing that he could offer more than just a listening ear and a hug.

Y/n shook her head again, “Not really,” her words were soft and broken, “Can we just sit here for a bit?” 

“Of course sweetheart.”

Funerals were always emotionally draining, but it was especially so when you were six months pregnant and your emotions were working in overtime. Huffing as she entered their bedroom, Y/n winced as she stationed a weary hand at her aching back. The lengthy service had been held at a church in the city, Uncle Kenny just had to be a devout Catholic in his final days, and the old, worn, wooden pews hadn’t been very kind. Worse yet, the kitten heels she’d opted to wear didn’t provide much support when she’d had to spend nearly two hours on her feet, standing at the entrance with her parents as they thanked everyone as they trickled out of the cathedral. 

With a pained groan, half from her back, half from the headache she’d acquired at some point throughout the day, Y/n slowly sank into the armchair, intent on starting to remove her shoes. Just as Y/n had lifted one swollen ankle onto her other knee, Keanu came into the bedroom, tugging at the neck of his black tie, his longish dark strands brushing his shoulders, the salt in his beard signalling that he hadn’t gone for a trim in a while. “Let me do that,” he offered, coming to kneel in front of her. 

“No,” Y/n flinched away, “I’ll do it.” She was upset with him, though, she hadn’t let him know yet. Y/n had spent the last week or so in deep, deep thought; her uncle had been a smoker, which had led to lung cancer and, ultimately, death. Keanu was a smoker too, and Y/n couldn’t help but worry that she’d lose him like that or to some other type of ill health. 

Furrowing his brows, Keanu tilted his head to the side. Y/n had been cold with him all day, holding his hand, but only reluctantly so, and barely saying a word to him on the drive back to their house. He understood that she was hurting, but he didn’t want her to shut him out because of it. “What’s wrong?”

“We just came back from a funeral, what do you think’s wrong?” Y/n grumbled, struggling to take her shoes off, eventually submitting to his help. “Excuse me,” she pushed off the arm chair, shrugging off the black blazer that she’d worn over her smock dress, letting her hair down afterwards. 

“Y/n,” Keanu sighed her name quietly, “Please, just talk to me. I know this is hard for you but-”

“I want you to stop smoking,” the admission just tumbled out of her mouth, with barely any warning. She’d had it; watching her uncle wither away was hard enough, Y/n was sure that she couldn’t survive watching Keanu being broken down like that. And worse yet, raise their child on her own, what was she supposed to tell their daughter? That her father puffed his life away even though he knew she’d need him?

“What?” Keanu slipped his hands into the pockets of his black slacks, taken aback by her harsh request.

“I want you to stop smoking,” Y/n repeated firmly, “I don’t want to lose you like that. And even if its not cancer, there’s a whole bunch of other stuff that it could cause. I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you, you know that.”

Keanu chuckled humorlessly, hoping to lighten the moment. Y/n had never had a problem with his nasty vice before, they’d been together for years, and now, out of the blue she wanted him to stop? “Honey,” he chuckled again, “Don’t be ridiculous.” In retrospect, accusing his pregnant wife of being ridiculous may not have been his best move.

“Ridiculous?” Y/n repeated incredulously, “You think I’m being ridiculous for wanting you to be healthy? Well maybe I’m being ridiculous for having a baby with a man who’s not taking care of himself, who probably doesn’t even care if he lives long enough to walk his daughter down the aisle one day.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” He scoffed, already exasperated, “I’m fine Y/n, healthy and right here.” He loved his wife, but like almost every other husband in the world Keanu didn’t want to be wrong. Besides, he was stuck in his ways; old habits die hard. And above all, he was scared, Keanu didn’t want to think about missing one of the most important days of his daughter’s life, no father did. Unfortunately though, instead of his inner turmoil encouraging him to be sympathetic to Y/n's cause, it just fanned Keanu’s flame, rousing the worst reaction, “And you know what? If having a baby with me is so fucking ridiculous, maybe we shouldn’t have kept it! Hell, I’m older than you anyway, maybe I’ll just die, have you thought of that?” 

Y/n’s lips quivered, frightened at his tone and at a complete loss for words. How could he say those things? “I…..” Nothing would come, and suddenly, Y/n wanted to be far away from Keanu. That wasn’t the gentle, sweet man she married. Her husband was loving and sensitive, he was overjoyed when they’d found out that they were having a baby and ordinarily would have never said something so cruel. Y/n didn’t know what had prompted the seemingly overnight change, but she did know that if Keanu was going to be like that, she didn’t want to be in the same house with him.

Seeing the tears in her eyes and the slight shake in her form, Keanu swore under his breath, “Fuck.” He couldn’t believe that he’d let fear and anger get the better of him like that. He stood; wooden and glued to the floor as Y/n suddenly started moving around in as much of a haste as her condition would afford her, grabbing a large bag from their closet and packing some of her stuff into it, “I’m- shit,” he mumbled when she wouldn’t stop to hear him, “Y/n,” he pleaded, reached out to grab her arm, huffing in defeat when she pulled away, “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Yeah, well you did.” Zipping the top up, Y/n swung her bag over her shoulders, too enraged to take the time to put her shoes back on, so instead shoving her tired feet into the nearest pair of flip flops, a fluffy set that she usually wore after getting into her pajamas. Without another word, she was leaving the bedroom, headed towards the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Keanu followed Y/n down the steps, and able to move a little faster than her, he easily blocked her way at the bottom.

Her cheeks were tear stained and Y/n’s eyes were already red, one hand gripped the strap of the bag tightly while the other was placed protectively over her bump. Keanu hated seeing her cry, yet, that night, he’d been the one bringing tears to her eyes. “Home,” was all she offered, trying to squeeze through the space between his larger body and the railing.

“You are home,” he countered, folding his arms.

“I meant home, to my parents,” she clarified, not even sure why she’d bothered to tell him. At the side door to the garage, Y/n grabbed her car keys off the little brass hook, singling out the remote for her car alarm and then hitting the button at the top to unlock it.

“At least let me drive you,” he didn’t want Y/n to leave like that, distraught and past dark. Even in the security of her car, anything could happen, and above all, her safety came first, triumphing any amount of anger over their spat.

“No,” Y/n was getting into her car, clumsily sliding into the driver’s seat, “I just…...I don’t want to be around you right now, okay?” 

The harshness in her tone coupled with her actual words stung like a snake bite to the chest, though Keanu was well aware that he’d said much worse not too long ago. He should have been reasonable instead of acting like an insensitive jerk. He should have heard her out and talked things through with Y/n instead of spewing battery acid.

The garage door reeled open and Y/n started backing her car out, not paying Keanu any mind as he called after her. Desperately, he followed on his feet for as far as he could, though, as usual, he was reminded that his knees weren't what they used to be and before long, Y/n's car was far beyond his reach, his wife and child, who he was  absolutely terrified to lose, gone, and he'd had no clue when, or if, they'd ever be back.

Sleep had been hard to come by that night, so hard that it never really came. Keanu's mind was constantly bombarded with anxious thoughts of Y/n. She hadn't answered her phone when he called, probably two dozen times, and when he'd tried her parents place, they'd both rattled off cheap, continuous excuses; she wasn't there yet, she was sleeping or even the age old "she's busy." 

All night, he'd worried about her, even between his fruitless phone calls. Was she sleeping okay? Was she well? How was the baby? For a brief moment, at around two am, Keanu had all but actually made it to his car, still dressed from the funeral, ready to head to his in-laws and mend things with his love, but in the end, fear and reason had stopped him. Y/n needed time to cool off, especially after what he'd said, a mere few hours definitely weren't going to cut it.

And then, slumping into one of the sitting room's sofas, Keanu finally took a minute to think about exactly what had gone down. Her plea had been reasonable; if it had been the other way around, he'd have wanted her to stop a lifetime ago, expect her to do anything that would prolong their time together. But there he'd stood, trying to make Y/n the fool for asking the same of him. 

Maybe I'll just die. Those were his words.

Keanu had never been one to let himself be preoccupied with thoughts of his own death, it was frivolous after all, it wasn't like he could change it. One day, it was going to happen, one day, he was going to leave people behind. And it never bothered him, that was, until he met her. So innocently, not looking to fall in love, but just a month later, doing it anyway. Almost four years ago, Y/n had brought a new vibrancy to his life, and now, they were creating one together. And with every cell in his being, Keanu didn't want to miss a moment of it.

Quitting was hard, he'd tried before. But arguably, before, there wasn't so much at stake. Just like that, with reinvigorated energy, Keanu pushed off the couch, fishing a half empty pack of smokes from his pocket, tossing it to the kitchen counter, only to head to the little draw in the kitchen where he usually kept some more on hand. Even if it wasn't going to be easy, even if the stories he'd heard about withdrawal and the side effects of going cold turkey were terrifying, Keanu knew that he had to. For his wife, for his child. For himself. 

For the rest of the night, knowing full and well that sleeping with her spot vacant would be a daunting task, Keanu disregarded the need for rest, instead opting to sweep the house for any trace of a cigarette; getting rid of everything from stray smokes and glass ashtrays to expensive cigars. If he was going to do it, he was going to do it right. 

By dawn, everything indicating that a smoker resided at their cushy house in the hills had been tossed; dumped in the appropriate bin at the curb, and then, unable to hold out any longer, Keanu finally got in his car, started it up and backed out into the street, headed to bring his family home.

Her eyes burned, half from crying all night and half from just not sleeping at all. Though she'd tried, pillows tucked around her, Y/n still hadn't managed to catch a wink all night, and as the light of dawn split the darkness, she'd found herself queasy with homesickness. It wasn't like she hadn't ever spent a night away from her place with Keanu, but the feeling of being at odds with him like that, knowing she'd actively left so abruptly and so distraught, had made her literally sick. 

Needless to say, things had gone far awry from what Y/n had expected. Of course, he was allowed to be upset, she was asking him to give up something he'd been doing for more than twenty years, smoking, as terrible as it was, was ingrained in his routine. Habitual. And trying to take it away so sudden would be like ripping away someone's security blanket. So really, she had no intention of hurting him.

Yet still, he'd hurt her  

That morning, and the painful memory continued to rack her frame with soft sobs, eventually interrupted by her mother, features pinched with worry, knocking on her ajar door as she poked her head in, "Y/n," she probed tentatively, "Sweetheart, Keanu wants to know if you'd be okay with talking to him now. Please, he's worried about you."

"I don't wanna talk to him," Y/n shifted beneath the mass of covers, swiping away some tears from her reddened cheeks, "Just tell him to leave me alone." She knew, full and well, that she sounded like a melodramatic teenager going through a lover's spat with her high school boyfriend, but Y/n didn't care. 

"Dear," her mother sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose, "I know you two had a fight last night, but he's your husband. Besides, he's already downstairs."

Struggling to turn towards the door and sit up, Y/n couldn't decide if she was infuriated or touched, "What?" Sniffing loudly, she reached for a tissue from the box at her bedside, "Why?"

"Because, he's worried and he loves you," when Y/n didn't look particularly moved, her mother, as adamant on having them resolve their issues as she was, continued, "And he know he's said some stupid things, but he doesn't want to keep things this way. Everyone makes mistakes Y/n. Please just talk to him, he's here and he's as much of a mess as you are. And we both know that all this stress isn't good for the baby, I'm sure she misses her daddy."

Hesitating for a moment, Y/n eventually nodded, absently caressing her bump as she finally permitted, "Okay, fine. Tell him I'll be right down."

Smiling faintly, Y/n's mother thought on it for a minute, before suggesting; "Even better; why don't I ask him up here? That way you two can shut the door and have some privacy."

"Yeah, okay," wiping her reddened nose with the crumpled tissue, trying not to cry again, "He can come up." Mouthing an okay, Y/n’s mother pushed the door back in, walking off without another word, and just as she did, Y/n shoved off the covers, scooting to the edge of the bed and slowly standing. Taking a minute to go over to the full length mirror, passing a brush from the top of the dresser through her bed head and then attempting to straighten her mismatched pajamas, she was just about to go over to the window, to see if Keanu's car was really parked out front, when her door creaked open, the sudden sound making her jump and gasp. 

"Hey," Keanu didn't hold her gaze for longer than a minute handful of seconds before letting his whiskey orbs fall to the hardwood floor, strands from his untamed mane curtaining his tired features. Cautiously, as if he were afraid of upsetting her, Keanu inched into Y/n's childhood bedroom. They both knew the room well, and she remembered the first time she'd brought him to it, the night he'd met her parents for the first time. They'd been skeptical at first, he was older, and Hollywood had given most of their men a bad rep, but by the end of dinner, her mother was smitten and her father…...well, he could tolerate him. They'd brought their desert up there and had it by the window, just before Y/n had showed him around. Their current situation felt far different; void of the warmth of new love replaced by the stifling fear that their marriage was hanging in the balance. 

"Hi," meekly, Y/n replied, swallowing thickly and not knowing how they should have continued. She didn't like how it felt; to be so flustered in his company. They were each other's safe places, refuge after a long, hard day, their first phone calls when something good happened and everything in between. Around Keanu, silence was comfortable and usually, breaking long stretches without words exchanged was easy. But that morning, she didn't have the slightest clue on what to say, on how to begin to bridge the gap that had grown overnight. 

Putting a fist to his lips, Keanu raised his head again, tentatively looking around first to the unmade bed and then to Y/n standing near the closed window as he cleared his throat, primarily to break the tense silence. "I'm sorry," just as she had the night before, Y/n flinched when Keanu reached for her, that time though, it was more out of hurt than anger. She could see that her actions had stung him by the pained look that crossed his face, but he'd done his own share  of damage the night before, and even if she could be talked into forgiving, Y/n wasn't just yet ready to forget. "What I said-"

"Was pretty damn fucked up," the break in her voice brought with it a new wave of quiet tears and Y/n could swear she felt her heart start breaking at his words replaying in her mind. Maybe we shouldn’t have kept it. Maybe I’ll just die. “You talked about aborting our child Keanu! What, were you just lying every time you said you wanted a family with me?”

“No, no, of course not,” scouring his brain for the right words, Keanu’s chest felt tight. He really had messed things up, with the best person in his life, and he wasn’t sure he could fix it. But he had to give it his best. He didn’t think he could stand to leave without his wife. “I just,” hitting his thigh with his fist and shaking his head, Y/n could see him fighting tears, “I got defensive, I don't want to think about not being there for the both of you, it’s scary.”

“Then talk to me about it, try to understand where I’m coming from when I ask you to try to quit,” Y/n’s arms fell to her sides in defeat, “Don’t…..” When she couldn’t finish, Keanu approached her again, and that time, she let him wrap her in his strong arms. It had just been one night, but she’d missed their comfort dearly, there was absolutely nothing that could compare to his embrace.

“I’m so, so sorry sweetheart,” his husky, pained voice was barely a whisper and he followed up his words with a chaste kiss on the crown of her head, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. It felt so good to have her tucked against his chest again, their heartbeats in sync. “I never, ever want to hurt you like this again,” Keanu rubbed her back soothingly, one hand toying with the ends of her freed tresses, “And I want to be with you, both of you, for as long as I can be. So I’m quitting, I’m done with that.”

With tear stained cheeks and glassy eyes, Y/n reared back slightly to meet his equally blurry gaze, “I’m sorry I picked a fight about that,” Y/n sighed quietly, and as much as she’d wanted him to quit smoking, she didn’t want to push him too hard, “And you know, if its too hard then-”

“No,” Keanu swallowed thickly, “It’s not. I don’t care about that, our family matters more to me, and you two are gonna be stuck with me for a very, very long time.”

Through her tears, a glimmer of a smile broke through, brightening her sorrow, and without warning Y/n’s arms around Keanu’s middle tightened and she laid her head on his chest, “Good,” she grinned softly, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him sweetly, “Cause we wouldn’t have it any other way.”

*****

Tagging- @harrisongslimited @magnificentclodpiebanana   @keandrews @greenmanalishi  @rdjloverxxx​  @danceoftwowolves​

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Liveblog Ch. 51-56

This is the “Seras Coming of Age” part of Hellsing, but the chapters are all one-off titles: “Last Mission”, “Get Away”, “Yaksa”, “The Man I Love”, “Ogre Battle”, and “Angelous,”

Last time, Zorin Blitz’s company invaded the Hellsing HQ, and Seras managed to kill them all except for Zorin herself, and then she used her psychic whammy, forcing Seras to relive some traumatic moment.   We saw one of the Wild Geese get this same treatment, and he briefly saw his dead daughter before Zorin killed him.  As for Seras, she relives the deaths of her parents.   Years ago, two guys barged into their home and shot them.   The circumstances aren’t entirely clear, but they must have had some forewarning, since Seras’ mom hid her in a closet and told her not to come out no matter what.   But when she saw what they did to them, Seras became so enraged that she attackedthe men and stabbed one in the eye with a fork.  

The other guy shot Seras, and while she must have survived, she remembers laying on the floor as the guy she stabbed decides to rape her mother.   I’m not even sure “rape” is the right word, since she was already dead, but the guy doesn’t care because the body is “still warm.”   You’d think he’d be too upset about losing an eye, but maybe he’s high on cocaine or something.

I don’t think you need me to tell you this, gentle reader, but hol-ee shit this dark.   We knew Seras’ parents died when she was young, and it wouldn’t be hard to speculate that they died in some violent crime, but Seras watched it happen, and she stabbed a dude in the face, only to get shot herself, and she watched her mother’s body getting molested before she passed out.  

And this gives us some insight into what Alucard saw in her that night in Cheddar.  There, Seras was surrounded by ghouls, many of them her comrades in the police department, and a vampire who promised to rape her before drinking her blood.   Alucard found it remarkable how she persevered in this horror, but now we see that may not even be the worst thing that ever happened to her.  It’s not even the first time she got shot!  

And from the earlier flashback we saw, Seras was hellbound to become a police officer like her father.  After a trauma like this, it’s amazing that she’d want anything to do with the police, since those men killed her father for digging “too deep” into whatever they were involved in.  But Seras quietly, defiantly chose to follow in her father’s footsteps, only to suffer a similar fate. 

Because, let’s not forget, Seras is dead.   She died in Cheddar, because Alucard had to shoot through her to kill the vampire who had taken her hostage.   Then she agreed to become a vampire like him, and join the Hellsing Organization.   Once more, she has quietly, defiantly, chosen to carry on in this life of public service.  

But none of that matters to Zorin Blitz.   She just wanted to dredge up all this trauma to keep Seras preoccupied long enough for Zorin to do this...

Oh, also she lopped off Seras’ left arm, but I liked this impalement panel better. 

On top of that, Zorin slashes Seras’ eyes, which was pretty gruesome and shocking.   When I started watching the Hellsing Ultimate OVA, I couldn’t wait to see what happened next, so I trawled YouTube for clips of Seras, so I had a pretty good idea where the character was headed, and noticed that late-story Seras was missing a left arm.   So Zorin cutting it off didn’t surprise me much, but everything else she did to her was a surprise.

Then, just as Zorin seems to be ready to finish Seras off, Pip Bernadotte gets the drop on her and whacks her with the butt of his rifle.    Machine gun?   Semiautomatic?   I don’t know from guns.    He hits her with it, is my point.   Then he shoots her with a different gun to put the exclamation point on it.

There’s two other guys left in the Wild Geese, and they toss smoke grenades to cover Pip as he tries to carry Seras to safety, but he’s wounded, and then a Millennium soldier wakes up and shoots him in the thighs.   Was that guy playing possum?  The Geese take him out, and Pip even makes it back to them, but I’m not sure what good that does anybody.   Then Zorin gets back up and cuts him down with her scythe.    I don’t think she chops him in half or anything, but he’s not getting back up again, that’s for sure. 

Seras calls out to him, and he steals another kiss.   I guess he forgot about the last time, because he acts like he “finally” managed to do this.   Then he asks Seras to drink his blood, which will allow her to win.   I guess someone must have explained enough vampire lore to Pip for him to have figured this out.    Maybe Seras herself told him how it worked, which makes it doubly-meaningful for him to say this to her now.  

And Seras starts wailing with grief, before Zorin finally mocks her for it, calling Pip an insect.   I’ve seen a few people poke fun at this scene, because it’s kind of weird for Zorin to just stand by while Pip and Seras have this final moment together, but Zorin’s a sadist.   Much of what she’s done in these past several chapters has been about reveling in her enemies’ suffering.    She took her sweet time with Seras earlier, which was the only reason Pip managed to help her, and now she’s taking her sweet time again, like she’s enjoying this drama. 

So Zorin uses her psychic whammy again, but this time it doesn’t work on Seras.   Maybe because Seras is already in the middle of a terrible trauma in the here and now.   She couldn’t do anything to avenge her parents back then, and she was powerless against the Cheddar Priest, but this time?   This time she knows exactly what to do.

VENIT AEVUS ILLE, O MESSIAH, O MESSIAH

YUDULIYA-VELE YUDULIYA-VELE

EN ESE MOMENTO ZORIN BLITZ SINTIO EL VERDADERO TERROR.

So yeah, this rocks.    The anime version does this cool thing where all the blood soaks up into her clothes and stains them red.   Maybe the manga was going for the same thing, but it’s harder to tell in black and white.   I find it kind of strange how Seras’ eyes grow back, but her left arm does not.    I’m pretty sure she could reform her arm, but chooses not to.   Instead, she’s got this black ectoplasm-y thing, like the same black stuff that Alucard uses when he’s not holding back as much.

Then Seras starts slaughtering Zorin’s men.   Didn’t she already kill them all?  Yeah, but there’s more.   The anime tries to cover for this by having Zorin explain that some “late arrivals” showed up.  Well, they did have to enter the building single file to get past the mines, so it makes sense that Zorin would keep some in reserve in case there were more traps inside. 

Seras is my favorite character in this whole thing, and since these pages of her kickin’ ass speak for themselves, I guess I’ll talk about why I like her so much.    I’m pretty sure I saw a cosplay photo of her on tumblr, and I found the design intriguing.   She’s a vampire, but dressed in something like a military uniform, kind of like the “Bridge Bunnies” in Macross. I looked up Seras to find out what she was from, and I was like “Oh, Hellsing was the show Team Four Star has been abridging, I guess I need to watch that anyway so I can watch the Abridged version and get the jokes.”

Mostly, I just like the idea of a vampire with a very professional mentality, as opposed to the whole Lost Boys/What We Do in the Shadows/Buffy kind of aesthetic.    Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but we see that sort of thing all the time.   I’ve also seen a lot of “reluctant” vampires in my time.    Vampires who try to avoid doing any vampire stuff, or going about their business like the vampirism is just this inconvenient obstacle.   Hellsing presents this other option, where vampires like Alucard are used for the purpose of anti-vampire countermeasures.   He’s been turned into a weapon, but he’s basically just Dracula with a fresh coat of paint.   Seras is more firmly rooted in the concept.  Alucard was a vampire who became a sort of cop, and Seras is a cop who became a vampire. 

And while I liked the idea of Seras being like “Oh, well I didn’t want to be a vampire but I’ll try to make the best of it”, I quickly found out that she wasn’t just a cop with pointy teeth.   There’s moments where she can be scary and creepy too.   “Sir, yes sir, my Master.”  It sums her up very neatly.   This is a vampire who can be polite and respectful and professional, but she can also get very deep into the more horrific aspects of this thing.   She’s got layers.  Zorin Blitz tried to peel them back, and look how that’s working out for her.

Once the rank and file goons are dealt with, Seras goes after Blitz, and just wrecks her shit.   Blitz tries to punch Seras in the face and it does nothing.   Seras just bites all her fingers off and spits ‘em out.   Then she announces that she refuses to drink Zorin’s blood, not a single drop. This is important, because Seras was always reluctant to drink blood.  She said she feared that drinking blood would mean the end of something inside of her, but now she’s crossed that Rubicon.   One might suspect that she’d suddenly want to drink more blood, but no.  She drank Pip’s as a means to an end.   Zorin’s blood would serve no higher purpose, and I think there’s an implication that she doesn’t want to dishonor Pip’s sacrifice.  Desperate, Zorin tries to use her power on Seras a third time, and then this happens:

  Okay, so at first Zorin sees Seras’ memories, like before, but now there’s all this stuff from Pip’s memories, and then Warrant Officer Shrodinger, of all people, shows up.   Zorin is confused by this, but he explains that he’s “everywhere and nowhere,” which means he can appear in this psychic vision just as easily as he can teleport between Brazil and England.

Schrodinger is here to pass along a message from the Major.  See, Zorin disobeyed his orders, and he would normally punish her for this, but he and the Doctor are busy with a “most interesting toy”, so they’ll just leave it to Seras to take care of punishing Zorin.  

Yesterday, I think I figured out what Zorin’s disobedience was.    Before I was confused because she didn’t start attacking until Seras opened fire on her blimp, and that only happened because Seras was shooting at the rockets fired by the Major.   Everything that Zorin did afterwards could be considered a matter of self-defense, but therein lies the problem.    Namely, what was Zorin’s blimp doing in the line of fire to begin with?  

Because once Seras shot her down, everything Zorin did next was sort of her only option.   She pretty much had to attack the mansion, and brave its defenses, whatever those happened to be.   And the Major knew that this was a big unknown.   He warned Zorin about Seras Victoria and while he didn’t seem to know exactly what her abilities were, he regarded her as an “arch-enemy” on the same level as Alucard.  That’s why he wanted Zorin to hold off and wait for the rocket attack.   It was intended to probe the mansion’s defenses, and once it became clear that they had anti-aircraft guns, and that Seras was eagle-eyed enough to shoot down their rockets, then the Major could have ordered Zorin to find a different way.   

But instead she was too close and gave Seras a target, which precipitated everything else, up to and including this:

Yeah, Seras just drags Zorin across the walls until her whole head smears apart.   Cool!

With Zorin dead, Seras delcares her intention to take the fight to the enemy, and the last three Wild Geese salute her before she leaves.   One way or another, they realize that Pip has become a part of Seras now, and they pay their last respects to him through her. 

Then Seras flies toward London, using her left arm-thing to make cool bat wings.    And this is a good illustration of what Seras is all about.  Once, she might have been horrified at the thought of doing something like this, but now she sees it as a way to carry on with her duty.    This was what Alucard had been trying to get her to understand, but sometimes you just have to work these things out in your own way.   Seras is about utility, and now that she has a use for these vampiric powers, she’s finally prepared to embrace them as her own.

In London, Schrodinger reports back to the Major and informs him of Zorin Blitz’s death.  He’s not surprised, and even declares “our ruin has begun”.   Schrodinger points out that he’s leading everyone, friend and foe alike, into destruction, and the Major simply observes that this is war.   Millennium didn’t come to London to win, they came to London to fight.

Then the Ninth Crusade shows up.  Recall that, earlier, Enrico Maxwell organized a military response to deal with the Millennium invasion of London, but he hasn’t come here to save the civilian population.   Instead, he’s treating them as enemies, just like the Nazi vampires.    Somehow, there’s still living people in the city, and as dawn approaches, they see Maxwell’s helicopters putting off some sort of light show.  I don’t know what you call this, but the people on the ground think it’s angels, and then Maxwell orders his men to open fire.

I want to point out that the newly promoted Archbishop Maxwell is riding into this battle in a special truck with a glass box for him to sit in.   He’s surrounded by microphones so he can address his troops and the people below.   Also the truck is hanging from a helicopter.   It’s stupid and pointless and over-the-top, so naturally the Major is highly impressed with Maxwell’s style. 

[a-typical]

She showed him all her teeth. He saw a smile.

"You're beautiful, honey."

"Thank you. I go now." (good for her)

"Nah!" and he took us by the wrist "Nah, you're not going."

"Let me go," said Janet.

Say it loud. Somebody will come to rescue you.

Can't 1 rescue myself?

No.

Why not?

All this time he was nuzzling her ear and I was showing my distaste by shrinking terrified into a corner, one eye on the party. Everyone seemed amused.

"Give us a good-bye kiss," said the host, who might have been attractive under other circumstances, a giant marine, so to speak. I pushed him away.

"What'sa matter, you some kinda prude?" he said and enfolding us in his powerful arms, et cetera-well, not so very powerful as all that, but I want to give you the feeling of the scene. If you scream, people say you're melodramatic; if you submit, you're masochistic; if you call names, you're a bitch. Hit him and he'll kill you. The best thing is to suffer mutely and yearn for a rescuer, but suppose the rescuer doesn't come?

Let go,____________________," said Janet (some Russian word I didn't catch).

"Ha ha, make me," said the host, squeezing her wrist and puckering up his lips; "Make me, make me," and he swung his hips from side to side suggestively.

No, no, keep on being ladylike/

"Is this human courting?" shouted Janet. "Is this friendship? Is this politeness?" She had an extraordinarily loud voice. He laughed and shook her wrist.

"Savages!" she shouted. A hush had fallen on the party. The host leafed dexterously through his little book of rejoinders but did not come up with anything. Then he looked up "savage" only to find it marked with an affirmative: "Masculine, brute, virile, powerful, good." So he smiled broadly. He put the book away.

"Right on, sister," he said.

So she dumped him. It happened in a blur of speed and there he was on the carpet. He was flipping furiously through the pages of the book; what else is there to do in such circumstances? (It was a little limp-leather-excuse me-volume bound in blue, which I think they give out in high schools. On the cover was written in gold WHAT TO DO IN EVERY SITUATION.)

"Bitch!" (flip flip flip) "Prude!" (flip flip) "Ball-breaker!" (flip flip flip flip) "Goddamn cancerous castrator!" (flip) "Thinks hers is gold!" (flip flip)

"You didn't have to do that!"

Was ist? said Janet in German.

He gave her to understand that she was going to die of cancer of the womb.

She laughed.

He gave her to understand further that she was taking unfair advantage of his good manners.

She roared.

He pursued the subject and told her that if he were not a gentleman he would ram her stinking, shitty teeth up her stinking shitty ass.

She shrugged.

He told her she was so ball-breaking, shitty, stone, scum-bag, mother-fucking, plug-ugly that no normal male could keep up an erection within half a mile of her.

She looked puzzled. ("Joanna, these are insults, yes?")

He got up. I think he was recovering his cool. He did not seem nearly so drunk as he had been. He shrugged his sports jacket back into position and brushed himself off. He said she had acted like a virgin, not knowing what to do when a guy made a pass, just like a Goddamned scared little baby virgin.

Most of us would have been content to leave it at that, eh, ladies?

Janet slapped him.

It was not meant to hurt, I think; it was a great big stinging theatrical performance, a cue for insults and further fighting, a come-on-get-your-guard contemptuous slap meant to enrage, which it jolly well did.

THE MARINE SAID, "YOU STUPID BROAD, I'M GONNA CREAM YOU!"

That poor man.

I didn't see things very well, as first off I got behind the closet door, but I saw him rush her and I saw her flip him; he got up again and again she deflected him, this time into the wall-I think she was worried because she didn't have time to glance behind her and the place was full of people-then he got up again and this time he swung instead and then something very complicated happened-he let out a yell and she was behind him, doing something cool and technical, frowning in concentration.

"Don't pull like that," she said. "You'll break your arm."

So he pulled. The little limp-leather notebook fluttered out on to the floor, from whence I picked it up. Everything was awfully quiet. The pain had stunned him, I guess.

She said in astonished good-humor: "But why do you want to fight when you do not know how?"

I got my coat and I got Janet's coat and I got us out of there and into the elevator. I put my head in my hands.

"Why'd you do it?"

"He called me a baby."

The little blue book was rattling around in my purse. I took it out and turned to the last thing he had said ("You stupid broad" et cetera). Underneath was written Girl backs down-cries-manhood vindicated. Under "Real Fight With Girl" was written Don't hurt (except whores). I took out my own pink book, for we all carry them, and turning to the instructions under "Brutality" found: Man's bad temper is the woman's fault. It is also the woman's responsibility to patch things up afterwards.

There were sub-rubrics, one (reinforcing) under "Management" and one (exceptional) under "Martyrdom." Everything in my book begins with an M.

They do fit together so well, you know. I said to Janet: "I don't think you're going to be happy here."

"Throw them both away, love," she answered.

[liebredeaconito]

[ID: In light blue background with two floral stamps and one plant stamps, in black it reads: “Loki/Sigyn. Writing prompt: “Whatever you want,” they always said. Always there, always ready to help me, and then more. Kiss me? Whatever you want. Marry me? Whatever you want. A dozen times a day, the backdrop of their lives until...“Stay with me. God - stay with me - please - don’t you dare die-” They only smiled, softly. “I love you.”. Rating: Teen and Up Audiences. Tags: Angst / Comfort / Hurt/ Fluff / Brief alcohol mention ” End ID.]

Link in the Reblogs! Or read full here: 

“Whatever you want,” he said. And he always said it. Like he couldn’t stop himself, because, in the end, he couldn’t refuse her. Kiss me? Whatever you want. Marry me? Whatever you want. And it was worth it every single time. Loki felt like a smile from his wife could warm the whole planet in an instant.

Whatever you want.

“Stop torturing yourself!” Sigyn screamed, desperate to make them understand. Or to understand herself.

“It’s not torturing, it’s the truth, Sigyn” Loki sighed “it should have been me who died” they sat and took the glass full of alcohol. Sigyn felt hopeless. She felt everything crumbling down and did not know what to do with it, how to hold it together.

“I’m not gonna sit here and watch you destroy yourself”

“Then go! Leave!”, Loki shouted back, “Whatever you want,” they said, venom in their words. A flash of pain crossed Sigyn’s eyes.

“Fine” Sigyn turned on her feet.

Loki opened their eyes, realizing what she had said. No.  “Sigyn! Wait- she was out of the door before Loki could say anything.

---

It was almost dark when Sigyn made her way back after cooling down. She shouldn’t have left but she couldn’t comfort Loki or even make her change their mind. It was something they would have to live with. Still, she could not be apart from them long.  

From the distance, Sigyn saw Asgrad’s guards in front of her hideout. Too many. She started walking faster and soon running as she saw as Loki was being dragged out. Loki looked accepting, not calm, but resigned.

Until they caught Sigyn running at the corner of their eye. Loki trashed and pushed against the guards, but could not free themself.

“LO-” Sigyn started screaming as she was cut off by a mouth on her hand, dragged back to the shadows of a nearby alley. She was being held. It was someone from Fenrir’s crew. She kicked but soon it was Fenrir in front of her. “We came as fast as we could, but Asgard’s guards were faster”, a defeated pause “I’m sorry, Sigyn”. She cried the rest of the run to a safer place blurry by the tears.

Soon the capture of Loki was announced, as well as her execution date. Too soon.

Everyone else was gathered around the broadcast device, listening to everything. They had tried everything to pinpoint Loki’s location, but no one had reliable information. Wherever they were, the world could only witness. People wanted to comfort her, try and hold her, but she couldn’t stand anyone’s touch. She kept waiting to look up and find her spouse. So she listened from another room.

“Stay with me. Don’t you dare die” she whispered to herself as she felt her guts twist. “Please”.

Whatever you want. The absence of the words was overwhelming and the sounds of cries filled every room.

---

Loki’s vision was fading, she felt the train moving with her blood. She felt Sigyn holding her. She felt like dying but not quite. Soon, she felt nothing at all.

Loki was deep in the darkness, not the awful thing she had been exposed to before, but a limbo of her own mind. “Don’t touch her!” a hurt and enraged voice said. Moment passed. "Just wait a little longer, we're almost there." She heard. She felt warm and cold. “Don’t die on me, you can’t leave me again”. Whatever you want, Loki tried to say, for she recognized the voice, like it was pulled from the back of her head, from her dreams, but her lips wouldn’t move. She couldn’t feel her lips. But then, she could feel her hand, as it was being held and squeezed sporadically. She tried to squeeze back, but nothing she tried to do worked.

“I miss her so much ” Sigyn said. I’m here, Loki tried to say again.

---

Now.

Loki gasped softly for air, to fill her lungs, and then she tried to open her eyes. Her head hurt, the lids of her eyes were heavy and breathing would have been more difficult had she not been in… a hospital room.

The lights were dimmed, so she did not suffer from a sudden influx of light. She blinked trying to get a hold of her surroundings. A window. A closet. A tiny table with a bunch of papers, pens, and coffee paper cups. A couch… and silhouette curled in it.

Sigyn.

Loki could see the bags under her eyes, the uncomfortable position. So tired, diligent, beautiful. So many years they had been apart, they were not the same anymore and still, Sigyn was beautiful. And still here wife. And still here. She tried to whisper her name out and finally succeeded. Her wife steered in her sleep and opened her eyes.

“Loki?” she whispered like she was afraid it was a dream. She got up and got closer to her. “Loki! You are awake!” she said enthusiastically as she sat on the chair next to her and took Loki’s hand in hers. Loki blinked slowly as she felt Sigyn’s gaze on her face, as she left a soft kiss on her knuckles and brought their tangled hands to her forehead, feeling her warmth. Seconds, or hours passed when Sigyn let go and stand. “I have to get a doctor”

“Don’t… leave” Loki tried to lift her hand. Sigyn’s eyes softened as she sat again and put her hand over hers, caressing.

“Whatever you want.”

-----

It’s true that after the storm comes the calm. Loki thinks to themselves as they pour thermos of tea and make their way into the roof of their new home. They had taken the time to attend a proper garden now, and with help, they put up a garden swing as well. A garden swing big enough to put your legs up in it, to nap on calm summer days, or watch the stars like tonight. Sigyn has brought more cushions and soft blankets, making a nest in it.

“It’s not that cold”

“Shhh, it’s gonna be. Trust your wife” Sigyn had said before going up. Loki laughed as they saw her climb up, making sure the blankets did not make her lose her balance. She stuck her tongue out in victory as she got to the top.

Loki is up now and takes a moment to thank whoever it is to thank for this. Sigyn looks at them and when Loki just smiles she sticks her arms out, in a motion that says “Come here already”.

Loki hand her the thermos as she climbs in and gets under the covers, nestling close to Sigyn. “You are cold!” she complains. “And you”, says Loki, as they put their hand under her sweater “, are very warm”. A shiver runs down Sigyn’s body and snuggles closer to her spouse.

“Kiss me?” she asks. Whatever you want Loki doesn’t say before kissing her.

[toutallyahoe]

Things We Need More ~ Gavin Reed (DBH)

Requested By: --

A/N: how long have I not touched dbh again? far too long apparently.

fun fact? this chapter is around seven months in my damn drafts.

and this is also my first uploaded one shot for this asshole? asdfghjjkl

anyways, here's something nice because a certain darling of mine needs something for their exams

Also, he may be an asshole but he's our asshole

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More: warm hugs

The brunet detective let out a grunt as he flopped himself on the couch, grabbing some of the couch's cushions and groaned on it to muffle the sound while his lover merely looked at him with amused [Eye color] eyes. Arms crossed as he rosed a brow at the brunet male who just laid there.

"Okay, what happened now?" The [Hair color] haired man had asked as he uncrossed his arms and walked towards his brunet lover who let out another groan.

"Robbers... attack... child... t-that's what happened..." Gavin had said as he took the cushion away from his face and placed it on his stomach and stared blankly at the ceiling as [Hair color] haired man had sat beside the brunet's legs.

"And?" Gavin grumbled out some curses as he maneuvered himself to face his lover, rolling his eyes as he did. The brunet had stayed quiet for a bit as his mind went back to what had happened hours ago. Gavin just blankly stare at his lover who's amusement slowly diminish. After awhile of not getting an answer, [Name]'s lips formed into a frown as he looked at Gavin with worried [Eye color] eyes.

"Gavin?" [Name] softly called the brunet who slowly began to shake. Sitting up as his hands instantly found themselves on his face as he began to explain.

"There was so much fucking blood..." The brunet detective had quietly muttered to himself as he then continued. "S-so much fucking b-blood..." Gavin had muttered. [Name] furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at his lover confused and worried. He couldn't understand Gavin's quiet mumblings and he was curious on why his brunet lover started to act this way.

"What? Gavin I can't hear you." The [Hair color] haired had said as Gavin began to quietly mutter again which the male, once again, did not hear. "Gavin, please I need you to speak up a bit louder."

Again, the brunet merely let out quiet mumblings to himself which frankly, slowly made the [Hair color] haired man was a bit annoyed. What was Gavin so glum about? Did Hank piss him off again?

Sighing, [Name] tried again. "Gavin, can't you speak lo--"

"THERE WAS SO MUCH FUCKING BLOOD OKAY?!?"

The brunet had snapped as he glared at his [Hair color] haired lover who seemed to be surprised from his outburst. Despite the guilt he felt on it, Gavin couldn't stop himself but let out all the pent up emotions of the day take over his thinking. "There was a fucking robbery and they left nothing but a fucking corpse of a fourteen year old boy with a bullet wound in his fucking head and a four year old girl who's skull was fucking cracked open!" Gavin had yelled as he felt the tears fell down his eyes.

"A fucking four year old [Name]! T-they fucking killed her without mercy unlike her older brother!" The brunet had shouted as his mind went back to the scene. The brunet almost vomit on seeing the young girl's corpse, face barely recognizable by her parents.

"She fucking died feeling the fucking pain of her head being bashed repeatedly on the fucking floor unlike her brother who was immediately fucking shot in the head! She fucking died suffering [Name]!" Gavin cried out to his lover. The corpses of the two too young children to die was so painful for the brunet detective. Especially the little girl's where she suffered greatly before death embraced her.

"S-she died p... painfully [Name]..." Gavin had quietly muttered as he sobbed. "S-she was too young... they were t-too young..."

[Name] could only hug his broken lover as Gavin clung onto him. Crying on his chest as the brunet had clutched his shirt. The anguished sobs of his lover made the [Hair color] haired male mutter things to comfort him.

"T... they d-didn't deserved t-this..." Gavin muyyered through his sobs as he felt his lover rubbed his back to soothe him. [Name] brought his lover closer to him as he muttered onto Gavin's neck, "I know love... I'm so sorry for you to witness this..."

"I-I couldn't e-even f... find t-the people who did this to t-them..." [Name] hugged Gavin tigher as he felt his lover shake in his arms. "Shhh, you will love. You'll find these fuckers and have them jailed..." Embracing the brunet tighter in his arms as he consoled Gavin.

More: good sleep

For the past few nights, the brunet haired male couldn't sleep. He felt a bit miserable each night he slept alone in their large bedroom without the comforting embrace and the warm body of his [Hair color] haired lover beside him. For three days or so, the [Hair color] haired man was too busy doing work and would often come home late, more so in around twelve or past two in the morning. It also doesn't help that the brunet male as that haunting scene of the case he had weeks ago was still fresh in his mind.

The brunet male let out a tired sigh as he looked at the empty space beside him where his suppose to be lover lay. Gently patting the empty space with his hand as he wished the other male was right beside him now. Gavin wanted his lover's arms wrapped around him as he get pulled closer in a warn embrace. The feeling of his [Hair color] haired lover just there, embracing him and always affectionately mutter sweet things to his ear that sometimes he felt embarrassed about. He missed [Name] dearly. But he couldn't do much but just imagine the male was there beside him.

After awhile of just mindlessly looking at the empty spot of the [Hair color] haired male, Gavin finally felt himself succumbed to the tiredness he had felt as he slept soundly. Not really noticing the door to their bedroom slowly opened for the very male he was waiting to come in.

[Name], the [Hair color] haired male had some small bags underneathe his eyes from the late shifts he was working through and despite how tired he felt, he softly smiled when he saw his brunet lover sleeping soundlessly on their shared bed.

Slowly, the man had unbuttoned his white dress shirt and putting it on an office chair they had in the room, he then proceed to take his black dress pants off and mindlessly kicked it on the floor. Going through his closet to find a grey sweatpants and a black wifebeater to wear, he then proceed to go over to sleep beside his lover.

[Name] wasn't surprised when as he laid down beside Gavin, the said man had immediately shifted and pressed himself on the [Hair color] haired man's side. The [Hair color] haired man couldn't help but smile softly as he watched his sleeping lover cuddle on him as he slowly wrapped his arms on the brunet, pressing a soft kiss on the male's head as he then closed his eyes. It didn't take long for sleep to take his conscience.

The two slept well that night as Gavin was in his lover's arms. Not a nightmare of that horrid case to be found.

More: adventures

Day offs were the best. That is where he and his [Name] could agree on, other than coffee is the best early in the morning. Gavin would spend his day off just laze around his and his lover's shared home, watch a horror movie and midlessly pet their furry baby, Donut. The fat orange tabby cat who they adopted when Gavin and [Name] moved in with each other and had decided to just sit on the house's back porch to enjoy the calm day a few years back.

Gavin was laying his head on [Name]'s lap. The [Hair color] haired man stroking and playing his brown locks. A donut in Gavin's hand as he ranted about a suspect on a case he had few days ago. Talking animatedly as [Name] looks down at him with ove in his eyes and a smile on his lips. Listening to Gavin talk and comment at times.

The two were having a peaceful time with each other when a meow was heard and before the brunet knew it, an orange blur passed by him and saw that it had took the donut in his hand. Gavin let out a cry as he immediately sat up, almost hitting his head with [Name]'s if the other man had not been startled and reeled back because of Gavin's cry and actions.

Gavin, having to sat back up and frantically tried to look at the culprit who took his donut. A bit enrage because it was his favorite one and was planning to hit whatever thing that took it-- only to see a few feet away from him and his lover was seating at, close to the fence was a tabby cat, consuming his donut.

After that, [Name] had caught the furry rascal and immediately fell inlove. The [Hair color] haired man silently pleading Gavin on taking care of the cat but the brunet didn't agreed. His reason was that the cat took his donut. His favorite and last donut.

The brunet male was ready to come inside and hopefully find another snack to eat but when he looked at [Name] who was holding the fat cat... he gaved up. He was stubborn and very against it.

Until the two-- [Name] and the cat-- pouted and gave him a pleading look. Both looks made the brunet cave in and that was when they officially had their first "baby".

A fat, lazy, furry, annoying baby who craves attention. Especially from the [Hair color] haired man. The detective swear that the cat gives him the smuggest look a cat can do when [Name] pets him and switch his attention from Gavin to Donut. Cooing and smothering the orange tabby cat with all the love and affection while Gavin silently fumed in rage as the cat-- a fucking cat had the audacity to look so smug when it looked at him while his own lover was cooing and showing affection to it.

That was where Gavin realize how much he loved yet also hated cats.

"I will call you Donut-- no [Name]. I will name this little shit rug right here. No. You forced me to adopt with this little asshole and I have the power to name him. Now, where was I? Right. I will call you Donut, because HOLY SHIT, I DO NOT FEEL LIKE SEEING YOUR DUMB SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE YOU FUCKING LITTLE ASSHOLE-- OH MY GOD! [NAME] LET'S THROW THIS ASSHOLE IN THE POOL!"

More: interesting conversation

It was a hot day and the two lovers stayed inside for it. Just lazying around. Gavin, again, had a day off and he just spended it with him and [Name] in the livingroom.

Gavin had taken on lounging himself on the coach and was playing away with Donut that was laying on his chest. Not really minding the tabby cat as he played with the cat's orange fur. This was one of the few occasions the cat actually lets him be affectionate to Gavin since the tabby cat mostly preferred [Name]'s attention.

Gavin's head laid on [Name]'s lap as the latter was reading on an old book. Paper books were rather rare nowadays and [Name] always loved them than the tablets. He felt like a child when he reads. Remembering back in his childhood where his parents would buy him books to read.

"Would it considered be incest if you fuck your own clone?" Gavin had abruptly said. Tone laced with boredom as he had continued to mindlessly run his fingers on Donut's fur. The cat purring, happy with the affection he was getting.

Gavin's comment made the [Hair color] haired almost choke on his spit as he had paused his reading and looked at the male.

Gavin giving him a unwavered determination on his face when he had looked at the male in the eye.

"What...?" [Name] asked, confused and rather perplexed with what his brunet lover had just said. Destroying the silence and making him ponder if Gavin finally lost his mind.

"Why... explain," the [Hair color] haired had sighed as he had placed a bookmark on the page he was reading and closed his book. Putting it down on the coffee table beside the couch as he returned to look at Gavin.

"Like... well... doesn't your clone carry your dna or some science bullshit? So, isn't that how incest works?" Gavin explained. Making some hand gestures that amuses [Name].

"Just... it is incest to fuck your clone!" Gavin had continued as he made made a face that seemed to be mix with anger and realization. "Wait... it is also kinda gay too, like, right?"

[Name] bit back a laugh threatening to leave his lips as he shake his head with Gavin rambling on about more about clones and if you would have sex with one.

"Gavin... you are gay," [Name] mused as the brunet detective send him an unamused glare when he had chuckled.

"Well, yeah I am shitlock. I am dating your dumb ass," retorded Gavin as the [Hair color] haired laughed. "What I mean is..." Gavin trailed off as he madly gestured something invisible that only seemed to see. It was amusing to [Name].

"Clones."

Leaning down toward's Gavin face, [Name] placed a soft kiss on the brunet's lips.

"Honestly, your adorable," mused [Name] as he parted and went back to his comfortable position on the couch as Gavin sputtered out incoherent words.

More: laughter

Gavin rolled his eyes as he saw [Name] play with Donut. The [Hair color] haired man and the orange tabby cat were on the floor. Donut was laying on his back, his tummy exposed to the [Hair color] haired man that [Name]'s [Skin color] hand would tickle the cat's tummy then raise it fast enough for the cat not to grabbed. [Name] laughing and enjoying his time with the feline as the cat was also enjoying aswell. Purring and meowing with content. This made Gavin a bit irritated.

"You pay more attention to that damn cat more than me," Gavin had grumbled out of a blue as he strutted towards the two as he then plopped down beside [Name] who didn't seemed to mind him.

"Oi," Gavin pouted when the [Hair color] haired man did not turn to greet him nor give a single glance to his person.

"[Name]," the brunet whine as the said man merely hummed as he played with the tabby cat. "[Name], talk to me," Gavin whine as he dragged the 'e' in the last word for higher annoyance.

"Yes, dear?" Hummed [Name] as he picked up Donut and raised it towards his eye level. The tabby cat looking at him in the eye and sticking his pink tongue. The cat's actions made [Name] chuckle as he nuzzled his nose towards the tabby cat's ones.

"Such a cute kitty you are," [Name] praised as Gavin let out a loud groan. "[Name] pay attention to me you dick," Gavin whined.

The said man did not do as what Gavin had whine which made the brunet huff in annoyance. After awhile of the [Hair color] haired cooing at the tabby cat. Gavin finally split.

"Give me the cat," the brunet had stated. [Name] seemed to pay attention now to what he says at the [Hair color] haired man turned his head away from Donut who meowed and looked at Gavin.

"What now?" Asked [Name].

"I said give me the damn cat," Gavin had commanded as he saw [Name] rolled his eyes but nevertheless, gaved the cat to the angry brunet. Placing the tabby cat gently on the brunet's hands as Gavin immediately raised it towards his eye level like [Name] did awhile ago and glared with the cat's eyes.

"You," Gavin started as Donut looked at him in eye with its own version of an annoyed glare. Clearly the cat was not hapoy to be taken away from his quality bonding tine with his [Hair color] haired owner.

"Fuck off you damn pussy-- he's fucking gay," Gavin had said.

Donut was an intelligent cat. Well, cats are more intelligent creatures that humans give them credit for. But Donut was really an intelligent one. He seemed to know what his brunet owner was saying and in return for Gavin's angry words. Donut hissed in Gavin's face and wiggled out from the brunet's hold.

Due to Donut's abruptly hissing and wiggling his body, he successfully got out of Gavin's hold which made the brunet yelp from the hissing. The tabby cat had landed in all fours as he then dashed back to [Name]. Leaping at the [Hair color] haired man's lap as the orange tabby cat then made himself comfortable there.

[Name] laughed at what he had just witnessed as he mindlessly patted the cat on his lap while he watched Gavin swear at everything.

"Mother fucking cat! Suck ass bitch like what the fuck that mother fucker--" and the curses go on and on and on that made the [Hair color] haired man laughed out more. Honestly, why was Gavin always like this? He doesn't know but he loves it.

Gavin let out a few more string of curses as he angrily glared at ther feline until he directed his glare at the laughing [Hair color] haired man. "Stop laughing dumbass," grumbled Gavin as [Name] rolled his eyes and chuckled.

"Sorry but Donut really do not like you," [Name] had said as he took a quick look at the purring cat on his lap. Gavin seemed to catch his words which caused the brunet to roll his eyes.

"You think?" Gavin sarcastically had said. The [Hair color] haired man merely sent him a grin.

It took a second for Gavin to realized [Name]'s words again.

"Did you just... you..." Gavin had said as he look at the other man who sent him a beaming smile.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" Gavin groaned at the joke his lover had said as he slapped his hand on his forehead. Despite it though, there was a smile on the brunet's lips.

"God, you are such a fucking dumbass," Gavin had said to the man as the other merely shrugged.

"You love this dumbass though," the [Hair color] haired commented as Gavin rolled his eyes but laughed.

"Dang right I do!" Beamed Gavin as the [Hair color] haired man shakes his head but softly smiled. Leaning towards the brunet and placed a soft kiss on Gavin's forehead.

"You are such a dork," [Name] softly said as Gavin sputtered out incoherent sentences with his surprise affection. Gavin's reaction made the [Hair color] haired man laugh again.

More: happy dances

Gavin groaned as he stiffly sat up straight. The brunet trying to fix the collar of his suit as he sent [Name] a glare when the man chuckled at his discomfort.

"Having a great time gents?" A voice piped up from behind them. Gavin didn't have to look to know it was one of his older sisters. Specifically, the one who wore a white wedding gown with a cheeky smile on her lips.

"I would if this would be fucking over," grumbled Gavin as [Name] elbowed him but sent the older female a charming smile.

"Oh course we do, Delilah," he said as Gavin rolled his eyes sister.

"When will this be over again?" Gavin asked as he saw his sister sent him a small glare but then pouted. His comment had made the [Hair color] haired man sitting beside him elbow him again. Making him grunt in pain.

"Fine, fine," grumbled Gavin. "I am having a blast with the part Del! Such a marvelous party it is, oh yes it very is!" The brunet sarcastically and dramatically had said as Delilah sent him another pout and turned to the [Hair color] haired man.

"Ugh, I'm so sorry you have to date his ass, [Name]," Delilah had said as the [Hair color] haired man shrugged.

"I'm sorry for myself too," [Name] commented which earned him an angry "hey!" from the brunet and a chuckle from the woman dressed in white.

"Anyways, off to mingle with the other guests now!" Delilah said with a clap of her hands. She send the two men smiles again and even ruffled Gavin's hair which gotten her some curses from the brunet. "Have fun you two!" She said as she walked away. Finding herself talking to another pair of people.

"Honestly," huffed Gavin as he crossed his arms on his chest. "She is still that annoying shithead of a sister," he had said.

[Name] only chuckled as he shakes his head. "You're still happy she's married though, right?"

"Not really," Gavin answered honestly which earned him a raised brow from the [Hair color] haired man. Not that he could see anyways. "I mean... that asshole better treat her right or I swear to God, he'll be framed for murder or some shit," sweared Gavin underneath his breath and the man beside him still caught it.

The [Hair color] haired merely shake his head and a fond smile on his lips as he looked at Gavin quietly grumbling uncomfortably in his seat. The two did wore some formal suits for it was Delilah's wedding. Gavin being a sibling is definitely invited while [Name] was his plus one and date. The two, of course, being lovers and all.

It was quiet-- save from the occasional grumblings from the brunet-- as two merely minded their business. Already finished eating the food that was catered by the wedding caterers and all.

After awhile, the large speakers in the area began to boom some songs. A song appropriate for a slowl dance in fact and it made Gavi perked up for a bit as he looked around. Watching how Delilah and her now-husband dancing in the middle and then some few guests aswell.

[Name] seemed to noticed his gaze on the dancers as he softly smiled. Standing up from his seat, the [Hair color] haired walked around his seat as he then offered his hand to Gavin who had looked at him with a raised brow.

"Care for a dance?" [Name] said with a charming smile that made Gavin roll his eyes but nevertheless, took the offer with his own grin.

"Let's show these motherfuckers how dancing is!" Gavin had said as he heard [Name] chuckle and helped him stand up from his seat. With hands holding, the [Hair color] haired man lead them both to the dance floor. With that, the two faced each other and placed their hands in the right order. Gavin placing one of his hand on [Name]'s shoulder while the other man placed a hand on his hips. The other hand holding each other as they looked one another in the eye. And they danced.

"You know, I thought you'd refused for a dance," [Name] confessed as Gavin sent him a small glare.

"I won't back down from this," muttered Gavin. Hearing his comment made [Name] smile.

"Well, that's good to hear... because I want to dance this song to with you," the [Hair color] had said with a smile as the bruney rolled his eyes yet a grin on his lips.

"Stop being sappy you dick," commented the brunet with a smile as [Name] laughed.

"I will if you change your last name to mine," came the retort as Gavin took a second to process what the other had said while [Name] smiled.

"Wait... did... did you just... what?" Gavin sputtered out as [Name] twirled him.

"Let's just enjoy this dance, alright?" The [Hair color] haired man innocently had said as he gave Gavin a smile. Gavin seemed to think for a second but nodded. A grin on his lips.

"You better come and proposed when I'm in the middle of my damn sappy congratulations to Delilah's marriage or so help me, I wont say yes," Gavin joked as the [Hair color] haired laughed at it.

"And get the attention off the newly wed? How evil," the [Hair color] haired man teased as Gavin rolled his eyes but smiled.

"Fuck them, I am an attention hoe and it's my revenge for making the two of us come here," Gavin replied as he felt [Name]'s hand squeezed their intertwined ones. "We could have fucked by this time god damn it."

"Let's see, shall we dear?" [Name] said as he spun Gavin around again. Then bringing the brunet close as the song slowly ended.

"Also, my answer is fuck yes," [Name] smiled at Gavin's words.

"That's great to hear."

[rosalinesmind]

MY THEORY ABOUT PRINCE HUMPERDINCK, WESTLEY, AND THE DREAD PIRATE CUMMERBUND. Okay. Bear with me. This is gonna go down like a really weird hole and some of it may be a stretch, but I just started thinking about it in the shower. And I wanted to tell you guys about it. Um, I have a theory that in the “Princess Bride” Humperdinck is actually gay and this has been all over “Archive Of Our Own” and, you know, he flirts with, um, Tyrone (6 fingered man, i.e. Count Rugen) and it would just explain so much about his character, just why he hates Westley, why he seems so disinterested in Buttercup. And, um, so I started thinking more and more about it, and I love how pieces in his story kind of connect together. So I thought about when Humperdinck is torturing Westley and he says, um, “You truly love one another. So you might've been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the story books say” And it got me thinking, why would he say that? Why, why would someone who you would think would be incapable of love, kind of have that pessimism and kind of have that, um, just dark outlook on life. And I, my theory is that, um, Humperdinck knew he was gay from a very young age and, um, it's not like it was, you know, unknown in the kingdom and it wasn't, um, kind of ostracized or anything. It was just kind of accepted. So when he was growing up, my theory is that he, um, as teen or as a, as a young adult, like a new adult had, um, someone he fell in love with, and this somehow created this great sense of betrayal where this true love feeling that they emphasize all throughout the movie was just ripped from him. So how would that happen? Why, why would true love be ripped from him? And I had a couple of theories about that. Um, and, but I'll get to that. So Humperdinck has someone he is really, really madly in love with, and he is all set to be happy. Um, his parents know that he's gay, um, and he's gonna tell them like, he's going to have to abdicate his position so he can be with this person that he really loves. And then his person decides to go, has to go somewhere, to Florin, has to cross the sea somewhere on a ship. And his ship is attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts. News of this somehow reaches Humperdinck and he knows that the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners. So he always assumes that his true love is, is dead. And it just, he feels so, so crushed. And so bitter that he had this love that kind of was ripped away from him, similar to how Buttercup reacts when she believes that Westley is dead. And it just sends Humperdinck into a, uh, just a spiral, a spiral of depression, and then his, his person that he loves, um, isn't actually killed of course, by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Since I had a couple of theories, either this person became part of the crew on the new ship, or this person is the Dread Pirate Cummerbund because when Westley is explaining to Buttercup how he became the Dread Pirate Roberts, he says, um, “I'm not really Roberts. My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from another Dread Pirate Roberts. His name was Cummerbund and he inherited it beforehand and so on and so forth.” So either Humperdinck’s true love because c'mon, “Humperdinck...Cummerbund” is just too fucking perfect. He, um, either became the Dread Pirate Roberts and, um, uh, Humperdinck never heard from him again, or Humperdinck somehow, you know, got wind that Cummerbund still alive and then just decided to become a pirate instead, and just Humperdinck kind of exposed a part of himself that was so new to him. And so, so vulnerable. And he thought it was, you know, true love because you're young. And when he either found out it wasn't reciprocated or when Cummerbund kind of betrayed him or just kind of went off and did his own thing, that's when, um, one of two things happened. 

First thing is Humperdinck tried to go it on his own for awhile, but his, all these emotions that were inside him just became so mixed up and he kind of fed on the rage and the torture that you kind of see in him now as an adult. And so he kind of resigned himself to the fact that he was never going to find anyone else and that he was going to have to fulfill his duties as a Prince and so he kind of just resigned himself over to that part. And so he's like, well, fuck it. You know, true love doesn't exist. Um, but I think he had a moment of weakness. And so he went to Miracle Max and he said to Miracle Max, you know, either I need to, to, to kill this feeling inside of me, I need that. Or he said, I want to be able to feel the way I felt again, I need you to create the magic pill that I can give to someone else. Um, either someone he was really in love with who was kind of ambivalent towards him and just say, I need you to make this person fall in love with me basically. And Miracle Max being a man of principle refused because he says, you know, it's not, I can't make someone feel this way. Humperdinck was so enraged that he fired Miracle Max. You never find out why he fired him in the movie. That's why he was fired. And Humperdinck kind of spun a tale and of course, made it be about something else, but he made it sound like in such a way that Miracle Max was ostracized in the entire kingdom and Humperdinck’s such a man of great persona and charisma. He was able to convince the whole kingdom that Miracle Max had done something, you know, erroneous and awful and he had done something incredibly terrible. So he was kind of banished from the community. And that's why Miracle Max is so bitter. Um, and, and so he kind of went on about his princely duties and when he met Buttercup, he was just like, Oh great. You know, this is someone that I can use and manipulate who seems very sweet. And he finds out that not only is she in love and true love with Westley, but that Westley is, is the Dread Pirate Roberts. And this reminds him so much of just the ultimate betrayal that he felt with Cummerbund, that when he meets Westley and tortures him. 

Oh, by the way. So one of his hobbies after he fires Miracle Max is, um, I pretty sure they have an illicit relationship, but Count Rugen is very much into Humperdinck and Humperdinck is not, but he likes the idea of having power or someone and Rugen seems, you know, sweet enough. And so Rugen is the one that introduces Humperdinck to this whole idea of like BDSM, all that stuff you see on “Archive Of Our Own” torture, just pain and Humperdinck knows what it was like to feel pain from the way Cummerbund made him feel. And he never wants to feel that way again. So he allows Rugen to kind of experiment and kind of push his boundaries to see, um, how to inflict pain on someone else. And it fills him with the sense of just power and control that he will not relinquish. So that's why you kind of see of Rugen and Humperdinck going down into this secret dungeon basically because Humperdinck still kind of lives  a closeted existence. I mean, I would have mentioned his parents know that he's gay and they're very accepting, but it's just like, you know, they see Humperdinck is kind of like, you know, their son who is very whimsical, very fancy and they kind of just let him get away with stuff, which is why they're so passive when it comes to Buttercup, they're wholly innocent. So, so now Humperdinck is into torture. And so when he kind of gets Westley at the bottom, he's like, here's this guy who not only is going to fuck up my plans that I made to start a war. He has something that I can never have. 

And the third prong in this theory, my dear children is that he (Westley) represents the barb or the sting that has been in Humperdinck’s side his entire life. Here's the Dread Pirate Roberts here is basically Cummerbund reincarnated. It only works if the time between Dread Pirate Roberts’ is maybe like five to 10 years. Um, cause I don't know how old, um, Cary Elwes is in that movie, but I know Westley's supposed to be very young, like 23 or something. And then Humperdinck kind of looks like he's in his late thirties, early forties. So the timeline only kind of works if there is about five years or so between each   Dread Pirate Roberts so by the time Humperdinck is a teenager like 19 and Cummerbund goes, fucks off, and becomes Dread Pirate Roberts, um, in between Cummerbund and Westley let's say like 15 years passed. So Humperdinck is like, I would say between 19 and 25. And if you add that up, he'll be like 34 or closer to 40. So that's the only way that the timeline could work. Um, in that sense. 

So my whole point with this is that when Humperdinck has Westley on the wheel, he says, “You truly love one another. So you might've been truly happy, but not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the story books say. And I think that no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will”. Because Westley in this, in this position or in this situation represents Cummerbund because Cummerbund is no longer around and Humperdinck can put all his anger and his frustration and his betrayal and pent up feelings on Westley. And at the end, when he's confronting him in the bedroom, he says, “I killed you too quickly last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate.” And I think in some way, Humperdinck loves Westley or at least is attracted to him or something because he, that would explain a lot about why he just, the way he looks at him and the way he just tortures him is like, it's very personal. It's like he hasn't been vendetta against Westley. It's not only to destroy the true love that Westley and Buttercup have because Humperdinck is super jealous and he wishes that he could have that. But it's also because Westley kind of represents, you know, the gay pirate that got away and Humperdinck, you know, instead of growing up or being mature and just basically finding someone else to love, just does everything wrong with the rest of his life. He tries to control people. He tries to manipulate them. He tries to do all these things that he's kind of forgotten since he was a teenager when he fell in love with, Cummerbund. So that is the a story of Humperdinck and Wesley and Cummerbund and how all of this is interconnected. And that is my theory. Let me know what you guys think. I didn't want to write it down. Maybe I will. Um, okay. Bye. 

[dreamlover31]

Love Will Find a Way: Chapter 10

"You have got to be kidding me!”

Rafael was reading through a case file on the leather couch in his office when an enraged Olivia Benson stormed in, as she stood before him; the level of rage that could be seen through her eyes was enough to give him pause. By all accounts, he could tell that she had spoken with Alexa and was prepared for the tongue lashing that awaited him; and as much as Olivia wanted to lunge at Rafael and throttle him, she knew that it would not help the situation. Calmly, she took a step back and breathed deeply as she closed her eyes for a brief second, once he could sense that she was at ease; Rafael met her gaze and said:

“And hello to you too”

“You mind explaining to me why you decided to emotionally traumatize my best friend”

“Liv…”

“Don’t Liv me, I went by Alexa’s apartment to check on her because she wasn’t answering her phone. When I got there…her eyes were all red and puffy like she’d been crying all night. When I asked her what was wrong, she just stared at me…I literally had to shake her out of whatever trance she was in, finally she told me what happened. She said that you wanted a break and that you didn’t mean it when you said you loved her”

Rafael lowered his head, unable to look her in the eye; he paused for a brief moment then let out a deep sigh as he said:

“It’s true, I did say that”

Olivia scoffed as she rolled her eyes at him.

“Are you insane, Alexa is the best thing that has ever happen to you…so why are you throwing all that away?”

“You know why”

Olivia sighed out of frustration as she walked towards Rafael’s desk, she leaned backwards with her palms flat and then took a moment to assess the gravity of the situation, she reminded herself of how he was receiving death threats for a year and that a lieutenant from the BX9 crew had approached him twice. In that instant, the pieces were coming together; Olivia knew how devastated and guilt ridden he was after Alexa got shot, so naturally the assumption was made that he would rather have them come after him than to have her become an innocent bystander, but no matter what the reason, Olivia felt that he could have handled the situation differently. As her mind made its way back to the present, she took a deep breath and peered her eyes towards Barba.

“Look, I understand what you are trying to do…but this is doing more harm than good. She is miserable without you, and I know for a fact that the thought of you not being with her is eating away at you”

Rafael shared in Olivia’s gaze, as much as he hated to admit it but she was right, a part of him wanted to run out of his office and into her arms; to bear his soul as to what was happening in his life, no matter how distressing it would be for her, but at the same time he knew that as long as he kept his distance then she would be safe.

“I’m sorry Liv, but this is for the best”

“Unbelievable…fine you want to be a stubborn jackass and blow your chance at happiness be my guest, but just so you know…god forbid if something were to happen to you, the devastation she suffers would be 10 times worse than the breakup. Think about that”

Olivia slammed the door as she exited his office, Rafael slumped backwards on the couch and with a look of despair, stared off into the abyss; his mind was in a state of chaos. The confidence and strong will he emitted inside of a courtroom was gone, now for the first time in his life, he was in a daze and unable to focus. As he sat there, all he could think of was how he was going to get through this ordeal without the overwhelming guilt he felt, as hard as this is…I have to just bare through it and take it one day at a time, and yet I just can’t seem to shake her…she made me feel…alive for the first time in a long time, how could I just turn my back on her?

Meanwhile, Alexa was curled up on the couch staring at the glare coming off the TV screen, she cried the last bit of tears she had; now as she laid there surrounded by the deep silence in her apartment, she felt hollow. Every bit of emotion she had was essentially erased from her body and mind, after what seemed like an hour, Alexa woke up from her self-induced catatonia. As she entered her bedroom, she shed the rags that were her pajamas and robe and stepped into the shower, after turning on the faucet; the spray of warm water cascaded along her body.

As it enveloped her body, her mind started to ease its way back into reality, how is it that when I fall for a guy, he turns out to be a total asshole? Well…screw him, I’m through crying over him, I’m just going to live my life and be done with it. Once she lathered and rinsed out the shampoo and conditioner from her hair, Alexa toweled herself off and put on a fresh pair of underwear then raided her closet and settled on a pair of jeans and a burgundy top. Alexa decided that she was going to head out to the local bar down the street to take her mind off Rafael, she grabbed her purse and brown jacket then headed out the door. After taking the short walk down, she entered the establishment; when she looked around, she saw that the crowd was fairly decent. There were mostly the blue collared crowd, guys who worked 9-5 jobs, she spotted a couple of guys that looked as if they could be college aged.

Slowly, Alexa made her way towards one of the stools at the bar top, when she sat down; she signaled the barkeep. She ordered a shot of whiskey, when the barkeep brought over the shot glass and bottle, he poured the amber liquid into the glass; Alexa told him to leave the bottle. After she downed the first shot, she refilled her glass a few more times, within a few moments the alcohol was starting to take effect. When the bottle was nearly half empty, the barkeep placed a hand on Alexa’s shoulder.

“Hey it looks like you’ve had enough”

“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough”

Alexa became intoxicated to the point where she was slurring her words and could hardly balance herself on the barstool, then in the midst of her drunken haze; she felt vibrations coming from somewhere. As she patted herself down, she felt a bulge on her right jean pocket, when she pulled the object out; she could barely see the name spelled out on the screen. Once she pressed the answer button, she held the phone up to her ear.

“Hello”

“Alexa?”

In her slurred speech, Alexa said “Hey Olivia…what up girl”

“Alexa, are you alright?”

“Oh sure, never better”

As Olivia listened on the other end, she could tell by the tone of her voice and the lack of proper grammar that Alexa was drunk. Olivia calmly asked her where she was, once she relayed her location, Olivia sternly told her to stay put and that she was coming to get her. Olivia arrived at the bar to find a drunken Alexa passed out on the counter with her finger curving an empty shot glass, the image was like a grim reminder of the days when she had to care for her alcoholic mother; the endless nights of carrying her up flights of stairs and wiping the vomit from her mouth. After she paid her bar tab, Olivia picked Alexa up and carried her out to her black SUV, following the short drive to her apartment; Olivia lifted her over her shoulder as they made the trek up three flights of stairs and crossed the threshold into her apartment.

While Alexa was laid out on her bed, Olivia rummaged through her dresser drawer and pulled out a pair of grey sweats and a black tank top, after a quick change, Olivia lifted the sheets and placed Alexa underneath them. She brushed back some strands of her sandy brown hair from her face and then proceeded towards the living room where she crashed on her couch, as she stared up at the ceiling; her mind went back and forth as to whether or not to tell Alexa the truth about Barba. Unfortunately, she learned the hard way of what happens when someone meddles in your personal life, but this was different, her best friend was falling into the same pattern of behavior that occurred when her last relationship went south. Talk about being caught in a rock and a hard place.

Tagging: @madpanda75 @laceybellerain @tropes-and-tales @madamsnape921 @thatesqcrush @youreverycolor @karens-imagined-world @beccabarba @southern-magnolia @glimmerglittergirl @teamsladsandgents @misssirenlove

[exorciseyourspirit]

0 to 100||Blanche and Rebecca

One (1) adult has entered the chat.

A zero? She stared at the notification on her phone in disbelief. Moose looked at her curiously, before shoving his nose into her leg when she let out an anguished yell. TurnItIn had given her a 0% plagiarized so she knew it wasn’t that. And there wasn’t even so much as a comment on it. What the hell?! Blanche had never so much as gotten lower than a 95 on something since middle school. In a rage, Blanche stomped Moose back to the house, let him back in, and then got into her car, and sped to the school. Soon, but not soon enough, she was outside Rebecca Rothbard’s office, seething in anger. She knocked, sharply on the door, ready to burst in there. She had 100 reasons why she shouldn’t have gotten below a 98 on that paper, and truly, she deserved a 100%. And especially after that stupid conversation they had earlier in the day - Blanche was seething. She was really just going to have to make someone let her withdraw and she could take the course under someone else that wasn’t… that.

Rebecca had settled into her office with a frown and a furrow of her brow. Grading the beginning essays-- “Anthropology At A Glance: What Is It and What Does It Mean”-- was easy. Most kids said all the same things. But Blanche Harlow’s stuck out. And so did her face, in Rebecca’s mind. There was definitely a ghost following her, and there was just something about the girl that Rebecca couldn’t get out of her mind. She was her, thirty years ago. Perhaps a bit more anxiety and nihilism, but she could see it clearly. She could see the water rising behind her eyes, threatening to drown her at any moment. The desperation to prove herself worthy of something or someone or sometime. Rebecca, after all, studied people. Maybe not specific behaviors, but people all the same. So she knew with clarity that Blanche would come directly to her office when she typed in the 0 and sent it. Not even an hour later the knock came. “It’s open!” she called, sitting back in her chair and simply waiting. Hoping her own ghost would not stir in the presence of another.

She was absolutely steamed. Blanche normally, with one other exception, didn't burst into professors offices. She practically threw open the door and threw herself into the office, staring accusingly at Rebecca. There was something bad happening. Blanche tensed the second she got near her, but didn't automatically register the familiar tingle as what it was - mostly because she was really pissed off and the earlier panic attack Rebecca’s messages had given her hadn’t totally gone away. Still, Blanche stared at Rebecca a moment, before she reached out and dropped a paper copy of her essay on Rebecca’s desk. “A zero?” Blanche asked, clearly offended, “What did I do wrong? Did Jeremy say I cheated again? I didn't! My TunItIn score was perfect!” Her freaking essay was perfect, just like the rest of her school work. “What happened? What did I do?” 

Rebecca leaned forward when Blanche came storming in, tilting her head curiously. She let Blanche throw the paper onto her desk, wondering why she’d bothered to print it out, as if she wanted Rebecca to read it there and now. Let her wear herself out with the yelling, but then the questions came first and Rebecca sighed. “Sorry,” was all she said, reaching over to grab the paper on her desk. “I must’ve mis-marked this one. Your name is right next to Eric Haughling and his essay was abysmal. But don’t tell him I told you that,” she said, taking a pen and writing ‘100’ in red pen and putting a little smiley face next to it. “Better?”

“Mis-marked…” Blanche said, in almost disbelief. She could have exploded, especially at being mistaken for the red-haired kid that was either late, high, or both. Blanche watched with suspicion as Rebecca took her essay, didn’t even read it, before putting a 100 on it with a smiley face. A smiley face. Blanche had never been so offended by a smiley before. Like it was mocking her. Especially since it did make her feel better too, maybe it would make her feel extra better once it was changed in the computer. Blanche looked down at her paper, before looking up at Rebecca, scowling at her. She suddenly realized what had just happened. “You did that on purpose,” Blanche accused, loudly. “You knew I would come down here and dispute that and - and - and -” oh, now she she was embarrassed and angry. Her face turned a bright shade of red as she tried to verbalize exactly how she was feeling. “And what the hell?!”

Rebecca let out a long breath. “You figured it out a little faster than I thought you would,” she said, tapping her pen on the desk. She looked up at Blanche with a calming, yet serious glance. “I did. Because you wouldn’t talk to me otherwise, and I think we really need to talk.” She wasn’t sure how to say this, but the tug she felt to do something, to say something to this struggling young girl was too great inside of her. “Please sit down. I’ll make you a deal. If you sit here and listen to me-- truly listen to me-- I will let you yell at me for as long as you want after. But I’m not here to yell at you or lecture you or make run around comments about why you don’t want to talk about your mediumship. I just want to help, Blanche. Because I was you at one point,” she explained, a little more wearily than she’d hoped, “and I really think you need help.”

“I’m pretty quick at figuring things out.” Blanche seethed, staring at her. She was enraged that she had been fooled, and so simply, too. Blanche considered storming straight out of Rebecca’s office, but the fear of her doing this to her again was great. If she did it once, she might do it again. Instead, Blanche closed the door to her office and rounded in Rebecca. “You were me?” Blanche said, in disbelief. “Just because you see ghosts?! Or whatever level of mediumship you’re on. You don’t know me! All you know is that I fucked up in high school, and that’s it! Maybe I’m doing just fine!” As much as Blanche wanted to lay into Rebecca, the truth curse was inhibiting her ability to proclaim that she was doing just fine and didn't need anybody's help, ever. Using maybe though, that helped force the words out of her mouth. “Maybe I don’t need help!” Cassie had helped her before, and in return she almost got Cassie killed by a demon. Blanche was deflating and fast, and Rebecca’s office was feeling a little claustrophobic. The only reason she sank into Rebecca’s chair was because her knees had started to shake. “Maybe I’m fine on my own!” As it should be.

“Maybe you are,” Rebecca finally said, after Blanche had started to deflate, “and maybe I don’t truly know you, but I’ve been around awhile, and I know the signs.” She sighed quietly. “Did they give you an ultimatum, too? Tell you it was their way or nothing?” She couldn’t imagine strict parents-- or grandparents, in her case-- letting something like that happen and not taking adverse action. “Blanche, I’m not even talking about the mediumship. I don’t have true mediumship like you. I’m talking about who you are as a person. Strong, determined, full of pride,” her voice grew quiet, “full of fear and anguish. Not only for what you are, but for those you might’ve failed.” She wasn’t listing things she knew about Blanche, but rather, things she knew about herself, and watching them reflect in the young girl’s eyes. “Maybe you are getting by on your own. But you’re not fine. This--” she motioned to her, the essay, the office, “--this isn’t fine.” A beat. “Is it?”

Words caught in Blanche’s throat as Rebecca seemed to know her. Confusion, anger, and pain flashed in her expression as she cringed away from her quiet voice and her hard words. She didn’t want to listen to this. She couldn’t listen to this. Blanche came here to defend her paper, she didn’t come here to confront her demons with this exorcist sitting there reading her like a book. Mocking her. Blanche couldn’t breathe, inky black spots appearing in her eyes as she tried to focus. Those you might have failed. Images of her friends - of Regan and Remmy and Nell and Winn and her parents and her brother. The invasive and toxic thoughts that wouldn’t shut up. “Stop it - stop it - stop it! I don’t want to talk about this! How do you know - why do you know? It’s not FINE. I mean - I meant it is! I can’t - I can’t lie right now - I can’t -” Blanche’s voice cracked and she doubled over, hugging herself as she forced herself to breathe and remember Al’s advice on what to do. She couldn’t just lock herself in her closet whenever she had one. That wasn’t an option here. Forcing control, Blanche grit her teeth, her nails digging into her arms. “What do you want?” Blanche said, slowly, looking up at her. “I’m trying. None of this - none of this matters. None of it. Everyone who helps me ends up getting hurt and I’ve managed just fine on my own. People are getting hurt and I’m just trying to figure it out, alright? I’m living. I live in a house now, and not my car or my old shit apartment, and I have friends and I’m tryin - I don’t know what you want from me. What do you want?”

Rebecca’s heart broke at the sight. The steely facade was suddenly crumbling, but she couldn’t let Blanche know that. The monster inside of her tugged at her. How badly did she want to help this poor, suffering girl? Enough to risk hurting her again? After all the pain she’d been through. The pain inside of her was too much of a pull. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t just let Blanche alone. Clearly whoever was trying to help her in her life wasn’t providing what she needed. Not that Rebecca could blame any of them, people all had their own stuff going on. But Blanche needed a guiding hand. She could so clearly see that. Rebecca stood up from her desk and grabbed a small, black remote looking object. She clicked it on and watched the lights glow brighter, before fading, before glowing again. Held it out to Blanche, coming to kneel next to her. “Here,” she said quietly, “it’s a breathing monitor. Breath in as the light gets brighter, and out when it goes dim. It will help.” It had always helped her. “I don’t want anything from you, Blanche. I’m hard wired to want to help people I see struggling, why do you think I became a professor?” A gentle smile. “You are trying, and it shows, it really does. And I’m sure you’re doing the best you can. But just surviving, just getting by-- that’s not truly living, is it?” She sat back. “This isn’t how you want to live the rest of your life, is it?”

Blanche let go of herself, hands shaking as she reached out, clutching the small black remote tightly and looking at it curiously. An anxiety tool, she stared at it curiously. A load of shit - those won’t her words, they were her fathers. For people that couldn’t handle the real world. How a doctor could be so against mental health, Blanche never understood. Still, she stared at it quietly for a moment, syncing her breathing up with it as best she could, before looking up at Rebecca as she spoke. She thought about everyone that tried to help her, especially over the last few months. All she had done was make things worse, or make bad decisions that hurt people. Cassie, Morgan, Remmy, Regan, and even Kaden and Alain has been hurt because of her. She stared at Rebecca, eyes swimming with tears and hesitation. “I don’t know how else I’m supposed to live,” Blanche said, quietly. “I only just figured what to study, I’m just trying to make sure no one else dies.” Blanche used the back of her hand to wipe her face as she looked at Rebecca. So kind, so calm, even with a child on the verge of a mental breakdown in her office. “How do I know if anything I'm doing is right?”

Rebecca was glad to see Blanche use the tool. She had been worried, for a minute, that it would just make her more angry. It was hard to know how someone would react to their anxiety being presented. “Blanche, you’re only what? Twenty? Twenty-one? You don’t have to have that figured out right now. I didn’t actually go to university until I was 26. You still have so much life ahead of you, it’s not your responsibility, right now, to make sure no one dies. Keeping the people you care about safe is important, but you’re important, too.” She sighed, standing stiffly-- she was getting up in age, after all-- and leaning against her desk with a soft expression. “I’m afraid you don’t,” she said honestly. “You can’t truly know until it’s done, but what you can know, is that you did what you thought was right. Sometimes it doesn’t all turn out good in the end, but you must keep the thought that you did your best in your head. Because it’s all any of us can do. And none of us can do that alone.”

Blanche leaned her elbows on her legs, looking up at Rebecca as she spoke. It was somehow both comforting and angering hearing Rebecca’s perspective. Twenty-six was a long time to wait to go to university. Her father would have had a heart attack. Not that it mattered. None of this mattered. Blanche let out a low groan, putting her head in her hands. Being forced to confront this head one was giving her a migraine. All her insecurities were out on the table in front of this woman - the professor - that she barely knew, and yet somehow felt a connection with. No bullshit, no asking questions, and she couldn’t lie or dodge any of her omissions, Rebecca was too smart. Finally, after a moment, Blanche looked up at her, emotionally exhausted. “I’m an adult now,” Blanche said stiffly, “My actions have consequences. I almost -  there are people that could have died because I made the wrong choice. Because I didn’t just shut up and deal with it. That is my responsibility,” Blanche’s expression melted slightly, maybe because tears finally spilled over. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, disgusted with herself. She wanted to go home - not to the house that she shared with Nora and Remmy. But to her parents home, where she could pretend that she was perfect again. Where perfection meant that she was wanted and loved and where her brother didn’t hate her. Her hand clutching the device, she held it out to her. “Can I go?” Blanche asked, quietly. “I have a lot going on right now. Storming down here because I got a bad grade wasn’t on the agenda for today.”

Rebecca could see the grief written on Blanche’s face. “No,” was all she said, “it’s not your fault. Asking for help isn’t your fault.” She stood up fully, watching as Blanche held the monitor back out to her. She put her hand over Blanche’s and pushed it back towards her. “Keep it.” She went back around her desk and picked up the essay, setting it down in her “To Do” box. There was only so much she could do right now, and pushing the subject was only going to make it worse. Blanche needed a hard, guiding hand, but driving her away too early would only make things worse. “You can go. If you ever need anything, my door is always open.” She sat back down in her chair and looked at Blanche firmly. “And I mean anything. You don’t have to hesitate to ask me for help.” Before softening her gaze again. “I’ll change your essay tonight. It was the best in the class, after all.”

Blanche stared at the device in her hand for a long moment, not looking up at Rebecca as she spoke. A sense of sadness that she didn’t like was building in her stomach. She didn’t like that. Not at all. Blanche was usually a master at avoiding her emotions. A self defense mechanism of getting angry always helped - anger overrided most emotions. Fear, anxiety, sadness. Blanche clutched the device tightly, jaw clenching as she considered chucking it at Rebecca’s stupid face in her stupid chair. She even stood, refusing to look. But before she knew it, the more rational side of her stuffed the device in her pocket, and she moved stiffly to the door, hurriedly wiping her face again. She paused, hand on the handle of the door. She wanted to say something. Maybe something that wasn’t cussing Rebecca out. “.... have a good day. I guess.” Blanche finally decided on that before disappearing out of her office. She wouldn’t make it to her internship on time, for the first time ever, because the second she got to her car, Blanche broke down, unable to see or drive or do anything else. It wasn’t until she remembered the stupid little clicker in her pocket that she was able to calm down. And that just pissed her off more.

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

My severe over stimulation continues. We are on... day 4.

So let me explain a thing for those who don't know.

When you have constant, fairly high levels of pain your brain, to some degree, filters it as 'background noise' (unless it's a particularly bad day, then it's an intrusive noise or an all consuming noise) meaning your brain is getting constant active input. It also means that you don't get proper sleep that is required to heal your body & give your brain a break from input, because it's still getting that pain input (at least if you're me). In my case, it interferes with my sleep so significantly that I developed a type of narcolepsy & only get an accumulated hour or two of deep/rem sleep, and that accumulated amount is broken into VERY small increments throughout the night, rather than is large chunks.

So the combination of constant input & shite sleep means my brain doesn't get properly rested which impacts various ways it functions. Like loss of short term memory, my ability to picture an object in my head & see where I saw it last is almost entirely gone.

However one of the most noticeable things from the outside is that I can no longer multi-task or handle a lot of even mild stress. This feature is why on days I have an appointment, I do nothing else of importance. I space out any phone calls I need to make. If The Spawn or I are sick or have some big event type thing, I do nothing else. So let's look at how my week has been.

Monday: I called & left a message requesting info about a post H.S. cosmetology school's programs. The Spawn spent the morning moaning about being sTaRvInG because she wasn't allowed to eat before the procedure. She also went in circles about if she wants to do online charter school or risk going in person this year (because our district decided to oBeY gOvEnOr AbBoTt'S mAnDaTe regarding schools not making masks mandatory. She also spent time fretting about anything that could possibly go wrong with the procedure. (She plays 'what if' and goes into a negative tailspin quite often.)

Took her up to get teeth removed. Waited in a parking lot for 2 hrs & during that time convinced Dad to go fill the prescriptions for me because less driving for me.

Then she was wheeled out & I did that whole thing.

Tuesday: I manage to speak to a person at the post H.S. program. Get some information but schedule a meeting via phone for additional. The Spawn starts her new habit of coming downstairs every 20 minutes to do one of the following: moan about liquid diet & hunger; fret about swelling; fret about how it feels when she moves her jaw; fret about something being in her wounds and making me check them; just moan about shit in general.

I call the charter school for info. Get info but find out that the enrollment/document submission deadline is Wednesday. Find out what docs I need.

Confirm with The Spawn that she wants this path for senior year. Get enrollment forms and all associated documents submitted while The Spawn interrupts for some b.s. every few minutes.

The thing I spent birthday money from Grandma on arrives! It is an industrial pipe style pole that hooks to the wall to hang clothes. I begin enacting my plan to hang it above an unusable window as a replacement closet for the one improvised from a pole & some ropes that hang from the ceiling & limit what I can do with bedroom arrangement. This process requires a stool & power tools. I am starting to get over stimulated, so I tell The Spawn that I am unavailable for awhile as I do this. She agrees & I put on headphones to begin.

My 'unavailability' was respected for maybe 5 minutes before she called me on the phone from upstairs about some random nonsense, then came downstairs to just constantly chatter. *sigh*

Bitching about inability to eat solid food continues. She orders Smoothie King from Favor. Dad & I leave for our nightly park jaunt, joined by Lou who just started playing Pokemon Go to help occupy time & needed a tutorial. The Spawn almost immediately begins texting me about how hungry she is. She asks if I can stop by a local restaurant 'on the way home' for queso that has refried beans in it, which she plans to eat with a spoon, as she has done with guac all day. I tell her that it's entirely out of the way but I will have some delivered. After it arrives, she is quiet until I get home.

Wednesday: just near constant moaning from The Spawn while I attempt to rearrange my bedroom. I'm so over stimulated at this point that any notification sound or the sound of The Spawn's ringtone (she calls me A LOT from upstairs throughout the day) makes me immediately pre-Endgame Hulk level enraged.

Lou comes by later to get further tutoring on Pokemon Go & talk a little while.

And today is Thursday. The Spawn hasn't arisen yet so we will see how that shakes out.

So when I start to get over stimulated, I can feel my brain start to 'short out'. I have a harder time thinking, keeping a train of thought, or remembering words. I can feel myself starting to get agitated.

So I mute my phone's notifications & ringtones, put on headphones & focus on a project. Any project. Gardening, rearranging, cleaning, sculpting... literally anything to give my brain a break.

However, because of The Spawn's procedure that has not been respected. So I'm incredibly irritable & my brain glitching makes me more irritable. I have a snappy, short tone without meaning to & under no circumstances want to be touched by anyone, dogs included. It's a problem.

And in addition, any time I'm trying to rest & get my brain to chill, The Spawn comes down & starts talking, then says in a snippy tone "What's your problem?" or "What's wrong with you?" If I try to explain, the drama queen supreme gets personally offended & says "Fine! I just won't ever talk to you again!" or "Oh I'm sorry my procedure is so inconvenient for you!" She has also taken to getting personally offended by every sarcastic joke I make, so apparently dry wit is no longer allowed, and takes anything I say, twists the context, and the take away for her is whatever the worst possible meaning could be.

(Example: she said she wished her friends had gotten this procedure so they could understand what she's going through. I said -while laughing & using an overly light tone- "You'd really want your friends to suffer through what you're suffering through so they understand?" Her response was "Wow you really think I'm just a horrible fucking monster, huh? That I'd want my friends to suffer? That's fucked up." Um... not AT ALL what was said or even remotely implied. So I sighed a deep sigh & said "My apologies, I forgot you've somehow lost the sense of humor you've had your entire life & no longer recognize the sense of humor I've had your entire life. So sorry. No I don't think you are a monster in any way but I do think you purposefully look for the worst possible meaning or implications within things I've said, so communicating with you is SUPER fun. Look! I made your dog a rope!")

So... that's how my life is going currently. I will, however, post old 'closet' & new 'closet' photos & dragon progress momentarily.

Fucking don't. I hate having to do this. Stealing people's shit for your buzzfeed article or click bait bullshit isn't journalism, it plagiarizing AT BEST. Fuck off.

[thorne93]

Unusual Upbringing (Part 9)

Prompt: Imaging growing up with the Maximoffs and falling for Pietro

Word Count: 1382

Warning: language, poverty/despair/wartorn country, pain and violence (later)

Note: The events in this fic will take place before, during, and after Age of Ultron…Beta’d by my girl @like-a-bag-of-potatoes

Tags: @amarvelouswritings​ @cocosierra94​ @essie1876​  @magpiegirl80​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @harleyquinnandscarletwitch @iamwarrenspeace @marvel-imagines-yes-please @superwholocked527​ @myparadise1982sand @missinstantgratification​ @thejulesworld​ @rda1989​ @marvelloushamilton @munlis​  @thefridgeismybestie​  @bubblyanarocks3​ @random-fluffy-pink-unicorn​ @hardcollectionworldtrash @igiveupicantthinkofausername​ @kaliforniacoastalteens​​ ​

Unusual Upbringing: @ultrarebelheart @feelmyroarrrr @punkdoor @mrs-lancelot​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You finally made it down to the salvage yard that you needed to be at. Ultron went to disable the power as you three swept inside. Pietro lifted Wanda to race her inside the office, and you teleported to outside Klaue’s office.  

“Yeah. The enhanced. Strucker's prize pupils. Want a candy? Oh, sorry to hear about Strucker. But then, he knew what kind of world he was helping create. Human life, not a growth market.” This was news to you. You didn’t know Strucker died. Who had killed him? The three of you shared a quick, confused look. “You...you didn't know? Is this your first time intimidating someone? I'm afraid that I'm not that afraid.”

You flicked your hands and ice and fire engulfed them.

“Everyone is afraid of something,” Wanda noted.

Klaue went on to talk about some cuttlefish thing and said he didn’t want to talk to any of you because you weren’t the man in charge. Until Ultron blew a giant hole through his office, blowing Klaue out of the office. Then proceeded to tell him how there was no man in charge.

Ultron went to a closet, gained some of the vibranium that was needed, and paid for it. Then said a strange phrase about friends, enemies, and keeping them rich. Klaue made a strange face.

“Tony Stark used to say that...to me. You're one of his,” he noted.

Ultron seemed to become enraged. “What?! I'm not--I'm not. You think I'm one of Stark's puppets, his hollow men? I mean look at me, do I look like Iron Man? Stark is nothing!” Ultron suddenly chopped Klaue’s arm, making you jump and slightly gasp. “I'm sorry. I am sor--Ooh, I'm sure that's going to be okay. I'm sorry, it's just I don't understand. Don't compare me with Stark!” He then kicked him down the stairs as his partner chased him down the stairs. “It's a thing with me. Stark is--he's a sickness!”

The four of you walked out of the small room and into the hallway of the bigger boat.

“Aww, Junior, you’re gonna break your old man’s heart,” Stark said suddenly said as he, Thor, and the Patriot arrived.

“If I have to,” Ultron said simply.

Thor said, “We don't have to break anything.”

“Clearly you've never made an omelet,” Ultron countered.

“He beat me by one second,” Stark remarked.

Pietro responded, “Ah, this is funny, Mr. Stark. It's what, comfortable? Like old times?” His eyes traveled down to the weaponry beneath you all.

“This was never my life,” Stark noted softly as he looked down at the missiles in the cargo.

The patriot said, “You three can still walk away from this.”

Wanda confirmed, “Oh, we will.”

He responded, “I know you’ve suffered.”

“What could you possibly know of suffering?” you asked as you stepped toward him, your anger returning and you remembered why you went through all the hell, and pain, and torture, and protesting for the Avengers. Because they were arrogant and indifferent.

“Look, we don’t have to do this. I know you’ve been hurt,” he started before Ultron cut him off.

“Uuughh! Captain America. God's righteous man, pretending you could live without a war. I can't physically throw up in my mouth, but…”

Thor stated, “If you believe in peace, then let us keep it.”

“I think you're confusing peace with quiet,” Ultron noted.

Stark said, “Yuh-huh. What's the Vibranium for?”

Ultron nodded as he responded, “I'm glad you asked that, because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan--” Ultron then got up and the Iron Legion bots began to attack. Stark and Ultron began flying together and attacking each other as Pietro worked on disarming the other guys. Wanda escaped to the dark corridors as you shot ice at Thor’s feet to keep him still for Piet. Thor pried his feet loose and slammed his hammer against the ice. You decided to change it up and teleport around him as you shot fire at him but he avoided your attacks and eventually, he seemed to figure out your pattern of movement as he rammed the hammer into your stomach, sending you soaring.

You landed against a crate, effectively knocking you a little senseless.

“Y/N!” Pietro said as he raced over to you.

“I’ll be fine,” you assured. “Go get them.”

He nodded at you as he ran off to deal with the Patriot and Thor. Wanda was set loose to give them their mind games. You finally got up and found the redhead.

“I believe we need to finish what we started,” you said.

“Not if I can help it,” she remarked as she struck at you but you teleported behind her, grabbed her, and set her hands in ice. Unfortunately, she was a good fighter without them and ended up kicking you across the room before leaving you to find something else. Eventually, after you caught your breath, you made it back out to the main part of the fighting, but Pietro had just grabbed Thor’s hammer and he went soaring through metal railings and slammed into crates with missiles. The patriot came up and slammed into Pietro hard and told him to stay down.

“Pietro!” you shouted before teleporting to him. “That son of a bitch,” you growled, ready to kill the Soldier.

“Leave it. We need to finish the mission,” he reminded. You nodded as you worked your way through the group of Avengers. You teleported where you could, shot ice where it would matter, where it would trip them up. Shot fire in their face to make them stop. Eventually, you made your way to the archer. You froze his feet, but he shot an arrow through the ice and spun, putting an electrified arrow on Wanda’s head.

Pietro caught up to you two as he slammed the archer back, and yanked the arrow from Wanda’s forehead and carried her outside. You teleported to meet them.

“It hurts!” Wanda said and you crouched in front of her.

“Wanda, I’m so sorry. I thought I had him planted,” you tried, feeling guilty for getting her hurt.

“Ah!”

“What can I do?” Pietro asked as he kneeled in front of his sister.

“Nothing. It hurts but--”

“I’ll kill him,” he said as he started to get up.

“No. No. I’m over it. Let’s finish the mission.” All three of you turned to lay eyes on Dr. Bruce Banner, the Hulk. He was the end game. You teleported beside Banner and held him.

“Hello, doctor,” you greeted.

“What is this?” he asked, trying to back out of the plane.

“Not so fast,” Pietro said just as he dashed up.

“We have a job for you,” you informed as you stepped closer to him and Wanda shot the magic into his head. “Now go get em, tiger.” You grinned wickedly.

Pietro picked up Wanda and you teleported to the aforementioned rendezvous point. From there, you watched the man turn to beast and then charge towards the city.

“Now, we need to continue the plan,” Pietro noted. You all nodded and made your way to the small plane Ultron had lined up for your escape.

“Are you okay, Wanda?” you asked as you placed a hand on her knee.

“I’ll be okay,” she assured with a smile and nod. “Are you alright?”

“Nothing the scepter didn’t already do to me,” you said with a shrug.

“We did not do so good back there,” Pietro noted.

“Yeah, I’ll say. You and I got our asses thrown into crates and Wanda got zapped by an overzealous Legolas,” you noted as you sat back trying to recoup from the fight. You were still bruised in the back from where you had landed and all the teleporting was still new to you.

“So Ultron is going to build himself...again?” you asked, leaning forward halfway through the flight.

“He said he was going to...evolve. Make a better version of himself using the vibranium. He said we would use Dr. Cho’s machine to create a stronger version,” Wanda informed.

“And then we can finally end the Avengers, and show the world just who they are,” Pietro said as he gripped your hand and smiled at you. “And we can move on.”

[runlittlelamb-blog1]

White Rabbit, Here I Come..

“

”

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, don't let me be misunderstood.

"Anna...stop! Forget about it and just come out with us!" Whined a voice through the cellphone that Annabelle clutched in her shaking hand. She didn't answer and her friend, Lily, sighed, "Annabelle...You aren't a bad person. You just..handle things differently. Just because some people don't understand that doesn't mean you should feel guilty..." There was a pause, "There's a crazy club not far from you, meet us at ten!! Please Annie...We'll get you thoroughly wasted and you'll feel better. Please Please Please!!" The sound of Lily's whining was starting to hurt her head and after several more minutes of obnoxious pleading she agreed. "Fine...I'll be there. Who is coming?" Annabelle asked softly, blue eyes already staring down her closet for smomething appropriate to wear. "Jen and Callie are coming...and I think Kristopher. But wear something crazy! I hear this place is insane! All circusy and shit! Oh! Annie! I know what you can wear" Lily's voice took to a whole new octave and Annabelle flinched, holding the phone away from her ear. "Wear those black stockings and the matching garterbelt! With your black lace dress, you know...the one with the super deep neckline!!" "Lily..If I pair that dress with garters and stockings I'm going to look like a hooker. I'm not going into a crazy club looking like a hooker. That's how people get drugged..." Annabelle said in irritation. Lily grumbled a lot for several minutes while Annabelle went through her clothes. She found the dress in question and rolled her eyes. The dress itself was almost completely made of black lace, but a small section at the chest and pelvic area had a second layer of black fabric beneath the lace- for modesty. The back was lace except for a small area that wrapped to cover her backside and connect with the covered front. Otherwise the plunging neckline didn't hide the valley between her breasts and her skin peeked from beneath the lace everywhere else. It was a short dress, and with stockings it was going to sit a few inches above them, showing the garterbelt straps. She would look like a damn hooker. "Oh please, Annie!!" Lily said again, "We all are going to dress like that. Your hair will make you pop out in all that black! We wanna get you some action. I'll cover all your drinks tonight if you wear it! With the stockings and garterbelt! Oh and your black heels, the ones with the red on the underside." In a desperate attempt to get her to just shut up, Annabelle agreed. Lily practically squealed with delight before hanging up. Annabelle tossed her phone to the side and grabbed the directed pieces for her ensemble. "Why do I even own this?" She grumbled to herself. She had two hours before she needed to meet her 'friends'. They were at least the closest thing she had to friends. Usually she was working too much to have any time for friends. It was something that really upset her. She had no family, so friends were the closest thing she could get. She wanted to be able to place her trust in a group of people and have a true support system. Lily, Jen, Callie, and Kristopher were almost that. She trusted them- probably to much since they always got her in trouble or led her to people who hurt her in the end. But the few fleeting but blissful moments that her trust got her...they were worth the pain that followed. The only reason Annabelle was going out was because she had been temporarily suspended--luckily with pay--from the hospital. Something about a patient and several nurses emotional outrage at her heartless actions. Annabelle got undressed while she remembered the cruel words from her peers.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The screaming wasn't reaching her through the focus she had built up around herself like an armor. She knew there was a child in front of her, his eyes creased with agony and lips parted in what was likely the most soul crushing scream a child could make. "He's in pain! Give him something!" Annabelle ignored the demands. They simply din't have time. Despite the child's terror and pain, she continued the treatment, her scalpel slicing away as needed. With each cut she heard an assault of curses around her. She ignored the complaints and icily gave orders to the other nurses for additional tools. They didn't have the child's record yet, they couldn't waste time to pick the proper drug to ease the child's pain. Nor could they risk a negative reaction to being put under. He had to stay awake. As always, the procedure went by in a blur of blood, crying, yelling, and finally silence. The child would live, but would be in the hospital for at least a week for recovery. Annabelle was washing her hands when a relatively new nurse came up behind her and wrenched her shoulder back, spinning her to scream in her face. "What the HELL kind of MONSTER are you!?! How dare you consider yourself a nurse!" The woman was practically snarling in her face. "You let that poor child suffer the entire time! You didn't even try to comfort him! Are you so heartless that an innocent child's pain doesn't phase you!?!" Anna blinked in surprise, "I was saving his life..." She said simply, thinking it was the only real response she had. The child lived. What was the problem? "Yea, sure you saved him. I don't understand why Doctor Costley lets you run this wing. I don't care how good you are- you're just a nurse..A heartless...monstrous nurse that shouldn't be in charge and certainly shouldn't be treated like a damn surgeon!!" It had gotten to the point that other nurses were glaring at her and she felt a tension spread through her shoulders. "I'm reporting you. No child should have to go through such agony. He will never forget that!" Annabelle frowned, "He would have died!" She snapped. "You don't know that!" The nurse snapped back, shoving Annabelle into the sink. A rumble of cries and cheers started around them until a distinct 'Stop' could be heard among the growing crowd. The department chief stepped between the women and Annabelle grimaced. "Doctor Costley..." She greeted. The middle-aged aged, but handsome man smiled. "In my office, Annabelle.." He replied coolly. As Annabelle turned to leave she heard a soft but angry conversation begin between Doctor Costley and the enraged nurses. The nurses always found her disconnect during her work odd and creepy, but they had never had such a negative reaction. Doctor Costley had taken almost an hour to calm the employees and apparently the family of the child. It wasn't enough that she had saved the boy- she hadn't done it humanely. Costley was watching her from over his folded hands, one leg crossed over his knee as he leaned back in his chair. Anna sat across from him at his desk. "I saved him..." She stated numbly. Costly, Devon Costley, nodded slowly, his eyes holding numerous emotions she couldn't read. "Doctor Cos-" "Devon. Please Anna...I 've told you before to call me Devon.." He murmured, a hint of amusement coloring his tone. "Devon," She started again, "I'm sorry. This had never been that big of an issue...I don't understand--" She stopped as Devon stood from his chair. He was well over six feet tall and towered over Annabelle, but somehow he always remained graceful. He walked around the desk and knelt beside Annabelle's chair. She watched him curiously, finding his actions to be somewhat unprofessional. "Anna..." He said softly, lifting a heavy hand and resting it on her leg. The muscle in her thigh tensed under his palm but he didn't move. "You know I find your focus to be an asset in our department...You've got the highest success rate among all of our emergency procedures...Even among the surgeons...Anna you're a very important part of this team.." He paused, his fingers lightly squeezing her thigh, making her nerves jump. "I understand some of the others don't appreciate the special treatment you receive...As a nurse...even the head nurse...you shouldn't technically be allowed in control of the procedures. That would be the surgeon...which is why I think you should change professions..." He suggested, his brown eyes intense as he met her gaze. "Dev-!" She was cut off by his finger to her lips. Her brow furrowed. "Anna...With my help you could finish the extra schooling quickly. The hospital would cover all of the expenses. And while you're in school I can pull you from the nursing and call you a resident. Then you can continue as you've been without everyone assuming you're.." He stopped abruptly, and hid his almost slip with a small smile. "Assume what Devon?" Annabelle asked, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. A satisfied grin curved his lips before he spoke,"That we've been sleeping together.." He laughed at the look of complete horror she developed. "Don't look so surprised, Anna.." "Surprised!?" Annabelle exclaimed, "I've never even considered sleeping with you! You're my boss!" He seemed irritated that she had never considered the idea. By the grip he had on her thigh he had clearly considered it...a lot. " Anna...you wound me. You've never considered thanking me for all the support I give you? Not once?" He murmured in a low tone. The look on her face must have answered his question for her. "Ah...well..I find you very beautiful and incredibly skilled. Your clear lack of emotion and empathy in the operating room does not bother me...I find it rather fascinating. I do hope you allow me to take you out one day, Anna." His hand slid a little higher on her leg. "I assure you that it would be a pleasurable experience..." "Doctor Costley," She snapped, "Am I being disciplined for the earlier events or may I leave?" Devon appeared to be frustrated and slowly he stood so he towered over her again. "You are being disciplined. I am forced to suspend you for the next week. You will still be paid, but it was the only way to get everyone off my back.." He sighed, a hand reaching down to grab her chin. "Things will be changing soon Anna...I suggest you consider my..suggestions. Both of them..." "Return to medical school and become your resident...and date you." She stated in an angry voice. "You're being very inappropriate, Doctor Costley..." She pulled her chin from his grip. "And no..to both of your suggestions.." Anna stood up, pulling out of his reach as he moved to touch her. Devon looked furious. "Annabelle. I have protected you because I respect your level of skill, something rarely seen in a nurse. But even I can't protect you if the rest of the hospital thinks you're a heartless monster unfit to wield a scalpel.." Monster. Heartless. Annabelle lifted her chin and straightened her baack. "I'm not asking you to protect me." She turned and headed for the door. "I'll see you in a week.." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Annabelle felt tears prick at her eyes. She sniffled, lifting a hand to wipe her eyes. She had thought correctly; She looked like a hooker. The lace dress, stockings, garterbelt, and heels were a very dark and sultry mix, her blonde hair a stark contrast to all the black. The memory of her earlier conversation with Devon still upset her, as did the negative reactions from her peers. She had saved the boy. He was alive! But something was still wrong with her. "Am I a monster?" she whispered. Ever since the death of her parents she had never viewed the pain or loss of others with much, if any, emotion. The only thing she could say to explain it was that she had hit a switch after the pain of losing her parents; once the switch had been hit, she had an unbreakable wall around her emotions. She still felt pain. Annabelle still had emotions and it was obvious that she could still be hurt. But death didn't phase her and seeing others hurting didn't strike her the way it should. She had developed a cold logic when approaching such concepts. Apparently she was the only one. Annabelle glanced at the clock, she had time to finish her makeup and get to the club. The White Rabbit...Here I come..

The club was already packed, with a line of men and women stretching around the block. Annabelle frowned, her arms crossed over her chest in frustration. There was no way that they were going to be able to get into the club. She had come out for no reason. And they were late. Her friends had dragged her out to go clubbing and they were late. Anna sighed and shook her head. She was wishing she was home with wine and her favorite pajamas. She wouldn’t look like a hooker in her pajamas. "Annie! Yay! You’re here!!”A familiar woman’s voice called from behind her. Annabelle turned and saw Lily, Jen, Callie, and Kristopher approaching her, a slight wobble in the steps of her female friends. They had already been drinking- great. Annabelle looked at Kristopher and he smiled, his dark eyes brightening slightly when they assessed her appearance. "Hey Annie..“ He greeted as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I’m going to make sure you have a good night..“ He promised, his voice promising things that she wasn’t sure she was ready for. She laughed softly and shook her head. “Guys..I don’t think we have a chance of getting in..They aren’t letting many people in to begin with and the line is long…It’ll be time for close before we get up to the door…” Annabelle complained. Kristopher laughed as Lily rolled her eyes and started towards the front of the line. “Lily! Hey, we can’t-.” She was cut off when Kristopher pulled her against his chest, setting his chin in the crook of her neck. Annabelle tensed up slightly, very aware of the attractive man holding onto her. Kristopher was a tall, muscular man with dark eyes, and a heart melting smile. His strong embrace was heavenly when you needed comfort and she could only imagine what it felt like at other times. The thought made her shiver in a surprising rush of desire, but she quickly pushed such ideas away. He was also a master manipulator, knowing how to bend people to his will and break them without much effort at all. "Annie..Relax…We have this covered…Just trust us…“ He mused, his breath brushing across the exposed skin of her neck. Annabelle bit her lip and slowly nodded, finally relaxing when he released her. She must have been obvious about her sudden release of tension because Kristopher was chuckling quietly. She flushed and looked away, moving so she could quickly catch up with the women.

She was shocked. Annabelle never thought it would be so easy. Lily had walked right up to the bouncer in front of the club and after a few words they were ushered through the doors. It’s because we look like hookers… She thought sourly, glancing down at her outfit. It had grabbed the attention of way to many clubbers already and she hadn’t had her first drink yet. It was clear that her mood was foul as Kristopher led her through the entrance of the club. Despite her mood, the club was amazing. There was something sinister behind it all, something she could sense but didn’t really see the source of. Her friends seemed oblivious, they were busy staring at the exotic looking dancers and the fire breathers. Annabelle also found herself gawking at the different entertainers that filled the interior of the club. Fire breathers, dancers, magicians, fortune tellers, and….clowns. Kristopher knew her fear of clowns and he noticed her immediate tension at the first sight of them. He pulled her into the safety of his arms as the other women found the way to the bar. As they approached she watched Kristopher snag an empty stool, pulling her quickly into his lap. She made a soft sound of protest but she was already settled in his lap, his arms securely placed around her waist. "Alright Annie-girl!! This one is to say FUCK those bitches at work…and this one is for saying FUCK YEA tonight is going to rock!!“ Lily cheered as she handed two shots to Annabelle. She blinked in surprise, not really ready for two shots. Kristopher was laughing behind her, the soft vibrations of his chest rumbling through her body. She sighed and accepted the two shot glasses. For a moment she just stared at her hands in dismay- she wanted to go home. As she glanced up she saw the other three women waiting for her to take the shots first. They were all eager to get the party started and she was ruining it for them. She gave a weak smile and held up the two glasses, toasting towards the club ceiling before quickly downing one and then the other. The liquor burned all the way down her throat to her empty stomach, making her eyes squeeze shut in distaste. Tequila…Shit… The women cheered and took their shots. The party was officially started. Between Lily, Callie, and Jen- Annabelle didn’t find herself without a drink in her hand. The other women were unstoppable as they provided her with liquor, trying to drown her depression with every glass. Kristopher wasn’t drinking much, spending his time watching over the girls instead. He kept a careful watch on Annabelle, gauging her level of intoxication and her emotions. "What do you think of the club!!?“ Lily asked, her hips brushing against Anna’s as they danced. Anna shrugged her shoulders and smiled. "Do you think you’d come back? It isn’t really my scene..Callie and Jen are kinda freaked out I think…“ Lily admitted, though you couldn’t tell she wasn’t feeling it by the way she was drinking and dancing. Annabelle kept her opinions to herself. The club had an allure that she found dangerous. She wanted to come back, with or without her friends. Despite the clowns, she wanted to know more about the inner workings of the madness that surrounded her. The night was supposed to be for making her feel better, but it was having the opposite effect. Though she liked the club, the fact that her friends did not made her feel isolated from them, just as she was isolated from everyone at work. She was always different. It didn’t matter where she was. Firm hands settled on her hips and she tensed, spinning on her heels to stare up into Kristopher’s sparkling eyes. She visibly relaxed as she realized it was just him. He frowned when he saw her face and pulled her close against his body, his movements fluid and suggestive as he moved to the music. "Annie…You aren’t having enough fun…“ He murmured, his lips finding her ear as he spoke to her. She shrugged and didn’t answer. What could she say? The club was perfect, but she couldn’t shake away the depression that clung to her soul. You’re a heartless monster.. She frowned and her shoulders tensed when she remembered the harsh words of her work peers. The club seemed to be the perfect place for a monster to hide away. "I’ve got something for you to take…it will help you forget about all that bullshit earlier…“ He murmured. She felt his lips brush her earlobe and she pulled back to look up at him. One of his hands lifted to pull out a pill. He held it up so she could see and she shook her head, her lips pursed in irritation. He chuckled, knowing that she would react negatively to drugs. "Anna…I’m here to watch over you guys…Trust me…It’s only going to help you…“ He promised. She was doubtful, but he wanted her to trust him. Trust. It was one of Annabelle’s greatest weaknesses. She was a sucker for trusting people, especially when they asked her to trust them. Kristopher could be a good friend, but he was a dangerous person to trust. She tried to pull out of his arms but he gripped her hip with one hand and shook his head. "Let us help you relax, Annie…Please…“ His voice held a hint of pleading and she felt her willpower crack. He saw the fissure in her will and a small grin spread across his face. Kristopher lifted the pill to his lips and then grabbed her chin, tilting her head back as he brought his lips down to kiss her. She was so shocked that she didn’t even try to stop him as he pushed the pill into her mouth, parting her lips with his tongue. To stop herself from choking she pulled back enough to swallow the pill and lift her almost empty drink to wash it down. She felt his laughing rumble before he lifted her chin again, kissing her once more. Anna melted into his arms, the graceful fluidity of his dancing paired with the warmth of his lips wrapping her in a comforting fog. She had never kissed Kristopher before, but she sure as hell had imagined what it would be like. It was better than she had imagined. His lips trailed across her jawline as he slowly turned her body so her back was pressed to his chest. Lips moved down her neck and she leaned back into him, letting the fog spread through her mind. Anna’s attention was snapped back as the lights changed and she saw a spotlight illuminate the figure of a man. A man in a top hat and rabbit ears. The crowd cheered in enthusiasm when they saw him. Must be the club announcer…She thought as a smile curved her lips, the excitement from the crowd contagious. Soon the man and his smooth, enticing voice faded back into the shadows and the music grew louder. Anna was starting to close her eyes again, ready to fade back into the peaceful fog when she saw something out of the corner of her eye. Clowns.

Her shoulders filled with sudden tension and she started to shake her head. They were suddenly everywhere. Panic flooded her system, taking the effects of the drug and liquor and twisting it into a nightmare. The strong hands wrapped around her body suddenly turned her around, concerned eyes locking with hers. "Annie…Calm down…You just need to relax..” Kristopher coaxed, his hands rubbing soothing circles on her sides. She tried, she really did but then she saw over his shoulder the stare of a tall clown. His eyes were locked with hers. He knew. It was like he could smell her fear. Her heart jumped in her chest and her breathing became erratic. Kristopher gripped her arms, shaking her, "Annabelle! You need to relax. The drug will fuck you up if you let it…Let it relax you, not screw with you…Hey!” His tone had grown thick with frustration and concern as his fingers dug into her arms. She couldn’t stop the panic, she was terrified. She felt fingers tugging lightly on the strands of her blonde hair moments before she heard the smooth voice of a man behind her."Is everything alright?” Kristopher’s gaze flicked momentarily to whoever was standing behind her. He seemed surprised and then he frowned, shaking his head."We’re fine…” Annabelle heard a laugh from behind her just as she noticed that clowns had surrounded them, creating a wall to separate them from the dancers on the floor. She made a panicked sound as the drug turned their heavily decorated faces into twisted and deformed masks with glowing eyes and sharp teeth. The fingers in her hair tugged a little harder as the man spoke again."Are you sure? She looks petrified…” "She had a couple drinks that didn’t sit right with her…We’re fine…” Kristopher stressed, pulling Annabelle closer. It caused the fingers tangled in her hair to get caught and she gasped in pain as her hair pulled against her scalp. Kristopher released her and she stumbled unsteadily back into the body behind her. The hand tangled among her hair was prepared and shifted to steady her with a firm grip at the back of her neck. "Are those your friends as well?”The wall of clowns parted to show Lily, Callie, and Jen a drunken mess against the bar. Kristopher cursed and nodded. "Why don’t you go take care of them? This one will be fine while you’re gone..” The hand at her neck lowered, sliding down her back to keep her steady with a firm grip at her hip. Kristopher looked torn but he knew how quickly Lily, Callie, and Jen could get messy. "Go…We don’t let anything…happen to our customers…” Even through her hazy thoughts she heard the lie in the man's voice. Kristopher sighed in frustration and gave Anna an apologetic smile before he turned to gather the three other women. Annabelle saw the clowns close their circle and her shoulders tensed again. “Oh God…” She cried, squeezing her eyes shut as if hiding them from view would make them disappear. Slowly she was turned but she didn’t open her eyes. " You don’t like clowns do you?” An amused voice asked her. She shook her head quickly, still refusing to open her eyes. The man’s hand lifted from her hip to tug on her hair again, twisting the strands around his finger. The odd action made her look at him. Blue eyes caught her gaze and she fought through the drug to see him without hallucinating. For a moment she saw just the blue eyes and dark hair. Top Hat. Rabbit Ears. It was the announcer from earlier. He regarded her curiously. "What did he give you?” The man laughed and released her hair. He made a subtle motion with his hand and the clowns started to scatter, watching her eerily as they did so. Something at the corner of the dance floor caught his attention briefly and when he turned his attention back to her he looked agitated. "Come back soon…” He told her darkly, his lips curving into a somewhat sinister smile before she felt a hand on her shoulder. Kristopher. She was pulled back into familiar arms as the blue eyed man turned to deal with whatever had pulled his attention moments earlier. Annabelle watched as the Rabbit eared man disappeared among the dancing bodies while Kristopher tugged her towards the exit. About halfway there she pulled away, fighting through her foggy mind. “You asshole!” She snapped. Kristopher turned with a shocked expression at her outburst. “You drugged me…And then left me with a complete stranger! Surrounded by clowns!!” She was pissed, and it was evident even through her slurred speech. Kristopher rolled his eyes and she slapped him. “Fuck you Kris! FUCK YOU!” She was shaking, some clarity returning to her through her anger. “You said you were going to take care of me! You told…t-told me to trust you!” "Anna, shut up. Seriously? I had to get the others before they ended up on the floor…I wasn’t going to leave you…And you didn’t have to swallow the pill…” He growled in response, reaching out to grab her wrist so they could leave. She stepped out of his reach and he sighed in frustration. "Annabelle. Stop it. The drug is perfectly safe. I’m sorry you reacted badly…It isn’t a big deal…Chill..” “Chill?!” She screeched in fury. “Chill!!!” Annabelle stepped forward and shoved Kristopher. “You guys only wanted to take me out so you could crash at my place around the damn corner…Well fuck off…Get a cab home. You’re not coming back to my place…” By the way Kristopher’s face twisted in anger she knew she was at least partially right. They had all been interested in trying the club and they knew she was within a couple blocks for when they needed a place to crash. “Get the hell away from me…” She said a little softer, her mood turning from angry to depressed. Kristopher stared at her for a moment before he shook his head and then left. Anna watched him leave, her shoulders slumping and her chest aching with a hollow pain she knew well. "Damn it..." She cursed, her hands shaking as she wrapped them around her small frame. She was drunk, on a who knew what drug, and her friends were gone. A pounding started in the back of her skull as she continued towards the club exit. The clarity she had claimed while yelling at Kristopher was fading as her emotions shifted. The fog of the drug and the alcohol was returning as she tried to leave. Her steps were unsteady and she was becoming distantly aware of how shitty her circumstances were. Yes, Kristopher had given her a drug she wasn't familiar with, but had he really deserved her anger? He had been watching her carefully for most of the night, it wasn't his fault she had freaked out. When she did he had attempted to calm her down. Guilt washed over her and she suddenly felt like a monster. Heartless. Monster. The street in front of the club was a disorienting change as the music disappeared behind her and the burn of a street lamp assaulted her vision. Anna groaned in pain as she clutched the side of her head. "I need to get home..." She mumbled softly, eyes squinting to see straight as she tried to figure out which direction she lived in. Come back soon... Annabelle shivered, remembering the blue eyes watching her. Come back? She intended to come back, but without her friends and without drugs. Her mind had been in such a frenzy that she could barely remember what all had happened. It felt like a big blur and with each passing moment she felt like it got harder to remember even the words she had shouted at Kristopher. She woudn't remember much come morning. Unfortuantly, Kristopher would remember everything and Anna wasn't likely to hear from him anytime soon. "Damn it!" She cried in anger at herself. She stumbled down the sidewalk in what she assumed was the right direction, hoping to see the familiar outline of her condo building eventually. She left the White Rabbit behind her, the images within the club burned into her subconscious.

"I lost myself somewhere in the darkness."

[killingdoll]

Warnings: spoilers, inappropriate comments

This is one hell of an episode – action-packed, thrilling and above all, sparkling with the familial love and solidarity of the Mikaelson clan. They’re truly the strongest when they fight for their family.

It once again reinforces my belief (not that it needs any reinforcing) that The Originals has a superior team of writers than The Vampire Diaries It’s unfair if The Originals only has 4 seasons (Ms. Plec ‘kindly’ mentioned something about there will be no fifth season in an interview) while The Vampire Diaries managed to sprout 8 while it should have ended after the train wreck that was the fifth.

Anw, back to this gem episode.

I kinda feel sorry (but not too sorry) for the guy Kol ate…

… or the entire bus they chowed down. “I’m so hungry I could eat a whole bus” taken very literally. Five years of no eating does takes it toll.

Did Hayley grab a few bites of her own?

Elijah’s shouting for Kol to eat less noisily like a big brother and Kol, actually hearing him or just coincidentally snapping his victim’s neck

I have a feeling that Kol does enjoy the scream a bit more than considered healthy.

Am I the only one to wonder why Elijah sort of cradles the dead body (presumably drained by him)?

Proper family squabbles. How I miss these?

Kol not so subtly reminds the producers not to kill him the friggin’ THIRD time.

Elijah’s shutting down the arguments by his vow: “We’ll free Niklaus today. Even if I have to burn that city to the ground.” Determined big-brother Elijah is the best Elijah.

See the brief proud look on Freya’s face?

“If we can’t free him, we’ll sure avenge him”. Sorry, wrong quote.

Anw, the vampire Avengers are advancing to New Orleans. Marcel’d better be beware.

Somewhere in Nola, Josh’s having a new, very human and undoubtedly clueless about the supernatural world boyfriend. It won’t bode well for him in the long run. I hope he fares better than Aiden. If he doesn’t, well…

Josh’s expression when seeing Elijah and Rebekah is similar to a person waking up to see two tigers lounging about in his home. His reaction is similar too – staying calm, no sudden movement so as not to provoke them while secretly trying to grab his phone and call 911…

… which is what Josh does, and fails, because one of the ‘tiger’ has a “murderous hunger” that can’t be appeased with pizzas. Duh.

And there’s Marbekah/Rebel argument in the graveyard. I’ve never doubted that Marcel genuinely loves Rebekah (even though he loathes her brothers to death) and Rebekah feels the same. I just love it even more that despite her love, Rebekah chooses her brothers over Marcel because that’s basically what the Mikaelsons and The Originals do, unlike The Vampire Diaries which tended to put way too much emphasis on romance. I cringe every time I read that Matt x Rebekah was cute and how big a waste to let that ship sink. To me it’s just a big, fat yuck that Rebekah had some affection and slept with the one that murdered her brother. And before someone kindly reminds me that Elijah was way too friendly with Elena, Kol’s murderer, I have to make myself clear that it grossed me as well.

Well, let what happened in The Vampire Diaries stay in The Vampire Diaries.

Sofya just has to interrupt Bex’s emotional speech, doesn’t she? Someone needs to remind her a certain Original absolutely hates backstabbing; she’ll pay back in one way or another.

The family’s casually discussing murder in Josh’s presence like he’s thin air

While the rest tries to find a way to break Klaus’s prison, Josh and Kol have a heart-to-heart conversation, or the closet thing to a heart-to-heart conversion, about losing someone they loved. It’d be quite a moment if it weren’t for Marcel’s text and Kol’s right back to threats of murders and destruction.

Josh was lucky Davina really liked him though.

Kol’s tearing through the vampire mooks like they are wet papers for Bex. Vampire mooks: 0, Originals: 1

Someone has anger management issues.

Hearing Elijah saying “brother” with both worry and relief lacing his tone is too much for my Klelijah

Hayley’s offering her power for Freya to channel to break the boundary spell while Elijah standing watch. Teamwork in its finest form.

Elijah’s facing Marcel alone to buy Freya some time despite Marcel’s hatred for him running the deepest

Hayley’s stepping in to protect Elijah, claiming once again to be a Mikaelson

… which of course enrages Marcel as the real reason for Marcel’s bitterness and wrath was because he felt he wasn’t treated as a Mikaelson.

Behold, Klaus’s incredible feat of pulling out Papa Tunde’s blade by himself (plus his subconscious Cami’s help). Almost as good as Mikael, who plucked it out not long after getting stabbed and with no imaginary soulmate’s encouragement. Klaus’ll get better next time for sure.

Klaus’s falling right into Elijah’s arms. Be still my Klelijah

Kolbekah moment followed by Klebekah hug followed by…

The whole family standing united against Marcel. #squad_goals

“That’s what family does. We fight for each other.” Kudos for Hayley.

And “If you want to kill one of us, you’ll have to kill us all.” Kudos for Rebekah.

Just to rub some salt onto the wound is Kol’s sassy remark…

… definitely not a very wise move because, well, considering Marcel could kill them all, why feeds his wrath more?

Actually, I believe it’s Marcel who was gonna lose if he and the Mikaelsons engaged in a full-out battle. Just think this strategy: Elijah, Rebekah and Hayley would fight Marcel (more like stalling him) while Kol and Klaus would protect Freya and probably let her channel them to cast some spell. Remember the sigil she’d created to trap Lucien last season? And Marcel, unbacked by the Ancestors, wouldn’t be able to fight it. Maybe not something of that scale since Freya’s pretty drained after freeing Klaus but a lesser spell to hinder Marcel’s movement would suffice, no?

Anw, no fighting happens as Marcel decides to ‘show mercy’ because he isn’t like the Mikaelsons. Who’re you kiddin’ Marcel? Anyone surviving to this point of the show with them is just like them. He just needs a few situations to see that…

… which the mysterious blue light and threat to the city would happily provide. Vincent’s up to some serious shit this season. Just don’t die along the way, ‘kay?

Klaus’s watching Hope in her peaceful sleep instead of waking her

Last but not least (more like saving the best for last), it’s Cami friggin’ O’Connell. I don’t care if she remains dead, I don’t care if she’s a figment of Klaus’s imagination, what matters is she is with Klaus in his darkest, loneliest hours to give him the strength to break his bondage. Klaus has conjured her to be his sole companion during his days of suffering, and more importantly, Klaus, having known Cami so well, has created this version of Cami that is very much similar to the original Cami; she isn’t afraid of his temper, and she challenges Klaus to face and triumph over his demons. She has literally become a part of Klaus per his promise: “I will carry you with me.” She has gained immortality inside his mind, where nothing or no one could lay a finger on her again. I admit, what she and Klaus have isn’t love. It transcends love to become something much greater, much more lasting. Love fades over time but once you let somebody get a spot in your mind, they’ll stay for as long as you live, and in Klaus’s case, possibly eternity. I’ve always felt Klaus and Cami’s relationship to lean more on spiritual side and this just proves it.

Overally, an excellent episode. Looking forward to Klaus and Hope’s first proper reunion next episode.

[Rant] No Quarter – The Originals 4×02 Warnings: spoilers, inappropriate comments This is one hell of an episode – action-packed, thrilling and above all, sparkling with the familial love and solidarity of the Mikaelson clan.

[dolames]

finding me

o n e • home sweet home 

Honest // Joseph

After spending close to many hours in the car I was more than ready to get out. Having to make a few stops for gas as well as letting Flynn out to go the bathroom added a solid hour to our drive south. I was less than impressed. Hopping out from the jeep I examined my new home, it was rather large compared to our old cottage. The outside was gray with a white trim accompanied by navy blue shutters around the late windows, the walkway leading to the front door consisted of cobblestone.

Dashing from the car Flynn had jumped down and made a run for it. "Dad! Grab him!" I shouted.

Running through a small wooded area I had lost him through the trees. "Yeah dad, great fucking idea. Move states away from home and leave the door open in a place Flynn isn't familiar with. Real fucking smart." I gruffed making my way through the woods.

"Hey bud!? Where did you come from?" Hearing a man's voice I followed it.

Stumbling out of the trees I was faced with a teenage boy who looked around my age. Flashing me a smile, he was only wearing white shorts making it hard to look away.

Continuing to pet Flynn he spoke, "I assume this dude belongs to you?"

"Yeah, he darted from the car. We just moved in next door." I responded scratching the back of my head.

"Oh so you're the new neighbor?" He asked.

"Unfortunately." I answered looking him directly in the eyes.

"Ouch." He responded as he placed his hand over his heart like I had hurt his feelings.

Approaching him to grab Flynn's leash I shrugged, "Hate to break it to you, but your whole state smells like a big fart."

Beginning to walk away he responded "Hey, give New Jersey a chance, you've only been here ten minutes!"

Stopping in my tracks I turned around shooting him a glance, "Try living in Maine where the air is actually crisp and clean."

"I see someone isn't very excited to be here..." He said faltering off at the end.

Looking straight into his hazel eyes I replied, "not in the slightest bit."

"Well then... My name's Grayson, maybe I'll see you around." He said not sure how to take the conversation.

Starting to walk away again he yelled, "wait what's your name?"

Refusing to turn around I hollered back, "Layla."

-

The house was a mess, there were boxes everywhere. We had one weekend to unpack everything and make this place "home". Making my way to my room, I was actually in love. It was huge. Bookshelves lined the walls and I even had my own connected bathroom with a large tub separate from the shower. A feature that would not have fit in our tiny cottage back in Maine.

Maine, I miss it so much already and it hasn't even been a day.

Changing into an old t-shirt I put my hair up into a messy and began to unpack and set up my new room. Stocking my shelves with my favorite books, setting up my new desk and putting my clothes away in the closet took up most of the evening.

"Hey Layla, get down here. I have to show you something." My dad yelled to me interrupting my process.

Shuffling down the steps I noticed that most of the kitchen had been put together. "Nice work, who knew a man could make his way around the kitchen." I ridiculed causing him to laugh slightly. Something that he hasn't done the past two weeks.

"Go look in the driveway." He said plainly.

Opening up the front door there it sat, an all black jeep.

"Keys are on the seat, they just dropped it off. It's for you." Standing behind me I know he was expecting a reaction, but not the one he's going to get.

My hands clenched up into fists. I was enraged. "Are you serious? You actually think you can make me forgive you for moving us here by just handing me a jeep? You kidding right? I left my entire life back in Maine because you couldn't bare to live in that house with the memories of her. You know what, I'm actually glad. Now I can do this." Storming out of the house I got into the jeep slamming the door as hard as I possibly could.

"Layla!" he hollered after me. "Get back here right now!"

Ignoring him I put the car in reverse backing out of the driveway as fast as I could. Stomping on the gas I drove out of there as fast as I could.

Shifting my gaze to the neighbors as I sped by, they had witnessed the whole thing. Great.

-

I found myself in a field after the sun had set leaving me alone with only the stars and my thoughts to keep me company.

Her memory still haunts me. I knew what was happening and I payed no attention to anything. I let her suffer when all she needed was her daughter. I had one last summer with her and what did I do instead? I pretended like she wasn't sick, like she wasn't dying.

Laying on my back I watched the stars as they glistened in the hours of darkness.

"Look at them Layla, aren't they marvelous?"

It's like I could hear her voice, but when I turned my head no one was there. I missed it, I missed the comfort of her voice and how she always knew what to say.

Trying to remember my last conversation with her I sat up. Crossed my legs in front of me I began to toy with the grass, hoping her last words would come back to me. Nothing.

No matter how hard I tried to think of her last words I couldn't think of them. Letting out a scream of frustration I slammed my fists to the ground. Crying furiously, all I wanted was to remember. Screaming as loud as I could, I was thankful I was alone.

I failed her, and I'll never forgive myself.

And in this moment I became numb, I can never be the same girl again.

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