#it has been 48 hours since I started this book and I am obsessed

[fflewddur-feanorion]

I love reading fantasy. I pick up a book on Monday night and suddenly it's 3 AM and I'm sobbing over a character named "moist von lipwig"

[bowtiesnmusicals]

Here is my recap of the Gleeking News: Alex Newell episode of the podcast.

This episode as the title states is with the very special Tony award winning Alex Newell. Kevin said they forced Alex to speak to them today because they are obsessed and no one deserves all the awards more. Jenna said like they don’t have enough to do that we are like hey you want to come on our podcast and talk about your Tony win. Kevin said they need to do more breaking Glee news. So they are starting it off strong with Alex Newell. He says he feels like they have seen Alex grow from fetus to final form but in truth they are just getting started. Kevin talked about having witnessed and given some critique to Alex on the Glee project. He said Alex never lets him live it down. He said people see you on stage or when you are camera but they don’t see the other things you do to hustle and get your name out there. He said he doesn’t think he has seen anyone work as hustle and work as hard as Alex. He said Alex has a huge successful music career and randomly shot of an EP no big deal. Jenna said Alex has a successful music career, Broadway multiple times now, the first non-binary performer to win a Tony for Best Performance by an Actor in a Featured Role in a Musical, 2 musical tv shows. What else is there to do? Kevin said also undeniable, you meet Alex and you see Alex, you have to hire him. He said Alex has never been better in Shucked. Kevin said Jenna was the first Glee member to win a Tony and now Ali and Alex from the Glee Project have won acting awards. He said how does the exclusive three member club feel. Jenna said it feels like the EGOT…just kidding. She said look at the group too..how cool that is. You have an Asian American producer that has one 2 Tony’s, you’ve got Ali Stroker who is absolutely amazing, and Alex Newell. It’s like yes diversity. Kevin said it is sort of testament to what Ryan was trying to showcase in Glee with all these different type of people and the people who are out there being accepted and winning awards at the actual Tony’s is the most diverse crew of our group. Jenna said it makes her proud to be in their company. She said the Tony Awards are special., coming from theatre its such a hard profession, the whole industry is a hard profession I but theatre is like it’s own thing. To watch people come together at the Tony’s it’s like Broadway’s biggest night out. It’s very exciting to see all the performances from shows you didn’t get to see, celebrate every performer, every crew member, every producer, everybody who has a hand, dresser, wardrobe, everything who has a hand it it. It’s such a celebration of the community. Jenna said being in the Broadway community feels like you are the Tony’s every night. It’s such a tight knit community and there’s this very deep understanding. Jenna said kudos to Alex who is doing that number 8 times a week. Kevin said he remembered talking to Alex when he was going to New York and he was like I need to come see you and it was only a few weeks into the show and Alex was like I am already tired, I’m exhausted. Kevin said you see the show and you will fully understand. That show is nonstop because it is so energetic. Kevin said he is going to say it a billion times but if you are in New York go see Shucked. He said it’s so hard to get something to stay on stage once it’s there and this show spread by word of mouth. He said it’s the funniest thing he has seen since Book of Mormon. He said its so so funny and good music.

Jenna said she ran into Brooke who was one of their choreographers on Glee, she was going to New York to see the opening of New York New York because she had some friends in it and Jenna said you have to see Alex. Brooke said she would only be in New York for 48 hours. She managed to go and when Jenna saw her after she came back from her trip, she came up to Jenna and said thank god you told me, it’s the best show ever, she laughed from beginning to end, she had so much fun, Alex is a freaking star, and literally was the best experience ever, go see it if you can. Jenna was like see Kevin told me. Kevin said it’s really wild because you see the Tony performance and yeah it’s a show about corn. Jenna said crazier things have been done on the stage. Kevin said as someone who is only peripherally part of the theater community, lots of friends, when you see the types of shows that broadway does put on, give a chance, and funds it’s always sort of mind boggling and he is always in awe of how open and accepting that community is. He said obviously all of these communities could be better and more accepting but he feels the Broadway community has always led in a lot of ways. You have this show about corn that was given a chance. Jenna said it is like that little girl with the suitcase coming to New York with a hope and prayer. Jenna said she feels like Kevin is a part of thee Broadway community adjacent. Kevin said it is so hard to do and he is awe of all of them that have done it and continue to do it. Jenna said it’s amazing. Kevin said it’s really amazing and without further ado let’s bring on Alex. Jenna said they only had them for a very short amount of time and they were so gracious to come on and give them this time…so.

Tony Winner Alex Newell

Kevins said look at that room. Alex said he is in his house. Kevin said he is going to cry and congratulations. Jenna said congrats you did it. Jenna asked if Alex slept with it last night. Alex said no, they gave it up the day before to get it engraved. Alex said they wanted to take it Tuesday night and he said I hate you all for even thinking about that. He said when he won it everyone wanted to touch and screaming drunkenly you have to pry it out of my cold dead hands. Kevin said it’s like I have waited too damn long for this you are not taking it away from me. Jenna said we are so freaking proud of you.

Jenna asked Alex to tell them how they are feeling right now. Alex said crazy, he’s not hung over but his body still hung over from all the emotions. She doesn’t have the words to describe how she is feeling. What do you say when you have been worked for something for so long and wanted something for so long. Also, they got a Tony for a musical about fucking corn. Who would have thought. They all thought Alex would get one for Once On This Island. Kevin said he should have wine one by the way. He said he sort of kind of sort of still won one for that show which is a great thing…but its’ about corn. Kevin said but it’s so damn good. He said him and everyone else that has seen it has been telling everyone to see this musical about corn. Jenna mentioned how Brooke told her that it’s the best thing she has seen and so good. Kevin said it’s stand up comedy with country music. Jenna said I love that. Kevin said you have won a Tony so obviously you are incredible but honestly you have never been better. He said he has been watching Alex perform for a very long time and he has no notes. Alex said that is lot that Kevin always has notes. Jenna echoed this. Kevin said all of it was so damn good. Kevin said there is something about watching Alex now, the power, the confidence, the acting, the singing all of it was so damn good.

Jenna asked what has it been like dong the show since they won. Alex said crazy, you’d think the applause was great then but now it is otherworldly and please like actually sit down. He said the first night after the Tony’s we understand it, we get it, yeah yeah yeah but that matinee he was not expecting that and that after show he was not expecting it. Alex said I have no idea what these people are drinking at the bar, if they giving them heavy pours. Kevin said, they are for the record but also you are great. Jenna said they are like enjoy the corn. Kevin I said they got me acting crazy, he said Alex saw him after the show, he was look oof heavy pour. Alex said, heavy pour that’s what I keep telling them and heavier, heavier is the crown. Kevin said you don’t need a heavy pour, you are good no matter what.

Kevin asked how is everyone at the show feeling. Alex said everyone is great. Everyone is in good spirits. Everyone was so proud He said John Behlmann, who they call their leading man because most of their scenes are with him or Maizy (Caroline Innerbichler) surprised Alex that night at the very end of the show and was like I will never be as strong as your whiskey, dirty as your thoughts, or fancy as your Tony. Alex said he lost his mind. He wasn’t expecting it. They wanted him to sing a song and bring out the Tony and he was like that is far too much. They don’t need a spotlight on her Tony, being like look at me I won a Tony.

Alex said he did something very shady, and does not recommend doing it. Tuesday morning their associate director sent notes out and sent Alex two notes as he was walking to the theatre. At the time they had their Tony award in their dressing room and wrote back Thank You so much and a picture of the Tony. Jenna said I thought you were going to be like no notes I am a Tony winner. Kevin said that’s the type of behavior I want to see.

Jenna asked what was Tony day like for you and even the Tony nominations because obviously like for Once On This Island they were waiting for Alex’s name to be called and were so shocked when it was such a snub and unfortunate. Jenna said for her this felt like redemption and finally Alex is getting the recognition they deserve. Alex said they were very still in the bed when Tony nominations came out because they were at the Met Gala the night before. Kevins said that’s damn right. Alex said they were just out here sitting with Glenn Close and Jimmy Fallon and rubbing elbows with Anna Wintour. Alex went to Anna’s house and said 10 out of 10. If you have the opportunity go to her house it really encompasses who that woman is she is so warm and inviting side note. Alex did the complete opposite of what they did for Once On This Island. They didn’t want to jinx it and have egg on their face. For Once On This Island they went to brunch with their closest friends. This time he was like I should sleep through it and he woke up to his phone being hot like actually physically hot. On Tony day Alex tried to go in as zen as possible, everyone kept saying you are going to win you are going to win, and Alex was like yeah if I win, if I win, let’s say if because their category was stacked with some phenomenal performances this year. Even within their own cast. Kevin Cahoon, he was brilliant, he was so good and still is so good. Alex was trying to be balanced and even in how they were doing everything. It was almost a stressful day but he tried to live in the moment of the relaxedness of it all. Jenna asked if Alex was thinking more negatively or positively or trying to ignore that all. Alex said they were trying ignore all of it. Kevin said Alex looked genuinely shocked, they called your name and he was like oh. Jenna said your Alex’s mom too. Kevin said it’s not often someone he knows os well wins a Tony or well any award and as much as they have all joked about it, talked about it, and wanted it for Alex, to actually then see the moment happen and see that happen on Alex’s face was just remarkable. Someone who has wanted this for so long and was still so surprised when their name was called and it was beautiful and you got up their and pulled that speech together and it was beautiful. Jenna said it was really beautiful. Alex said thank you, they said they don’t like planned speeches because you knew you were going to win, you knew you were going to win if you planned a speech. They wanted it to be really genuine because she didn’t know what was going to happen at all, they really didn’t, and they wanted to be clear in how they spoke and what they were saying and very pointed. Alex would be nowhere without the people in their building, in their cast and crew, those are the people they are doing their show for each and every night. Kevin said 8 times a week. Alex said 8 times a week dear god. Jenna said that is very gracious and that is what makes you such a good performer.

Kevin asked how is Alex’s mom. Alex said she is wonderful and asked if she could hold Alex’s Tony when they got back to their seat at the very end and he was like no, I just got it back. They were headed the press room and they were like no no no you show is performing you have to go get ready and they took the Tony back and he was Tonyless again putting on their costume. Jenna said what is it like performing after just winning the Tony, where is your head, were you able to find i. Alex said no, no, no, it felt like someone slapped them on ass and said go. Because that is really what happened. Also it I was hot as balls in that theatre. Alex said he remembers looking at Stephanie Hsu, and saw her get a bottle of water and she was like do you want one, Alex was like please. Not us sitting in our haute couture literally begging for water like literally begging for water like someone please give us an ounce of water. Kevin said turn on the misters like its Disney World. Alex said even downstairs where everyone was getting changed for their performances or getting changed back into their gowns and tuxes it was even hotter because they were in the basement. So all Alex remembers is someone grabbing their Tony, sitting in a seat, unzipping their dress, slapping blue eye shadow on them, snatching a wig off, putting another wig on, and him literally eating up stairs and being like… Kevin said something about hitting those high notes. Jenna said that’s so wild. Alex said by the time they were done the Tony’s were over. Lea was singing Don’t Rain and they were like oh so it’s done. Jennas said and then you celebrate and you party. Alex said then the Tony never left their sight. Jenna said I’m sure everybody wanted to touch it. Alex said everyone wanted to touch it, I don’t understand, why do want to touch it, it’s fine. Kevin said that’s what he does at Jenna’s house, he goes up and spins them. Jenna said she had a friend there and they were like you touched your Tony. Alex said it’s actually the cutest one because it does things. Jenna said it’s compact and it’s cute. Alex said the Oscar is just statuesque. Kevin said I mean you could do something with that.

Kevin said I have to say that he loves that the three Glee people that have won Tony’s couldn’t have happened to a nicer more talented group. Jenna laughed. He’s said Alex I can’t overstate this enough, you are the hardest working person. People don’t always seat, he was saying before they see it if you are on stage or screen. He said Alex has been on several tv shows, gigantic singles, hits upon hits, you just keep going and are good and show up and do the job. Alex said that’s all you can do sometimes. They said their lifestyle is not cheap, so they have to whore themselves out, they have to go out and do the things because they like nice things. You think this wig pays for itself. No. It looks like grew out of my scalp because I paid for it to look it grew out of myself. Jenna said it does look like it grew out of your scalp. Kevin said the difference is a lot of people will sit there and want those things and not do the work to actually get them. He said Alex has never not done the work. Alex said they will never ever in their life ever quote Kim Kardashian ever again and this is on record but she was right when she said get your fucking ass up and work. That is the one good thing that woman has said.

Jenna said they are going to have Alex back on the show to do some memory sifting with them about some episodes. Alex said oh god. Jenna said it’s been so much fun and very therapeutic. Alex said so it’s therapy, love that. Kevin said for free. Jenna said they are so so proud of them and congratulations and truly just enjoy this time and also congrats on the show. She said to say hi to Andrew for her and just enjoy it and they deserve it all. Kevin said it means a lot in their busy schedule this week especially that they snuck out some time for them and they love them so much and it was good to see him. Alex said they will always carve out time and they love them both. Jenna and Kevin said love you so much and congrats.

Alex. Newell. Tony. Award. Winner.

There you have it. There’s our Gleeking News. How many times can they say they are proud of Alex. When good things happen to good people. They said they hoped everyone enjoyed this Gleeking News, this special special episode.

Go check out Shucked if you are in New York. Listen to the cast recording. Shucked is great. Go enjoy it. Enjoy Alex.

Thanks for listening.

[resplendentgoldenwings]

I haven't been on tumblr much these days but on this Sunday past I realized I had been seeing a lot of post about IWTV, both the book and the 1994 movie. And I was like why am I seeing all this IWTV on my dash? Is there a new movie or something? I'd heard about the plans for a TV series a couple years back and completely forgotten about that.

Anyway I decided to check the tags out of curiosity and spent the next 48 hours utterly obsessed.

There's the trailer I saw if for some reason you still haven't seen it yet. Now I used to love the VC back in the day. The books were fun, erotic, and Anne Rice was a pretty good writer if a bit verbose at points and Lestat is a fantastic character. If you don't know the VC, The Vampire Chronicles are the main reason vampires with like human emotions and souls have become so popular.

So I spent the next 48 hours devouring everything I could for this new show. If I wasn't working or doing something that needed to be done I was scouring the internet for any and everything to do with AMC's Interview With the Vampire and I have some thoughts.

First I am super excited for this show, like forreal, y'all have no idea. The shit looks amazing, the directing, the costuming, the setting all of it looks on point. Things have been changed, but the spirit remains the same. Like look at that trailer and tell me everything important and essential about Louis Pointe Du Lac and Lestat De Lioncourt has not been captured.

But that said I want to talk a bit about some of the changes that have been made.

So in case you're wondering that picture of Jacob Anderson is Louis and yes he is black. Now this caught me a little off guard, like in the span of two seconds I learned that there was a new IWTV show and Louis was being played by that guy above. I immediately found the change intriguing.

That's Brad Pitt as Louis Pointe Du Lac in the 1994 film. He spent most of the movie being sad and beautiful and worming his way further into all of our teenaged hearts. He also very much does fit the description of Louis in the books, so, of course, some people are mad about this.

This isn't surprising. If you've been watching tv over the past 15 years, ever since Olivia Pope banged a president and Empire spent like 7 seasons as Fox's #1 show networks have been trying with varying degrees of success to put POC, especially Black people in more leading roles and some people really don't like that.

As a black woman I have mixed feelings about it. I have zero problems with character's having their races changed for the sake of diversity unless, of course, the character's race shapes the story in some important way. Which is why I paused when I found out about the casting. Louis Pointe Du Lac was a slave owner back in 1769, a wealthy one with two plantations.

There would have been a few Black Americans who owned slaves back then and even fewer that got rich from it. But already problematic Jacob Anderson playing a Louis that owned slaved would be especially distasteful. So instead the setting is changed. It's 1910 and Louis is a brothel owner.

Now some of the critics have used the idea of Louis as a pimp as some type of gotcha moment and I get it. They made this character Black and promptly made him a criminal??? Not quite, much like slavery in 1769 in 1910 New Orleans it wasn't illegal to own a brothel or do sex work.

So he's not a criminal and he's apparently grown extremely wealthy from running brothels. That doesn't make it okay, of course, but I imagine that's kind of the point. In this instance owning brothels could be considered analogous owning plantations. They're not the same but ya' know tomato, tomato.

Louis and his family, siblings and parents look like they are doing very well in the trailers. It's important that Louis have money because as he starts to doubt Lestat's feelings for him Louis comes to believe that Lestat is with him for the money. Oh Louis!

Now the usual suspects aren't the only ones bothered by the idea of Louis being a brothel owner some find it genuinely uncomfortable to have a sympathetic character doing bad things and some genuinely feel that it plays into a stereotype, which is part of why I want to offer my opinion.

Characters aren't meant to be perfect not even the POC ones. Characters need depth, they need flaws, they need vices and damn it when you change a character's race to diversify a story some things can and should change but the essence, the spirit of the character should stay the same.

He can't be an aspiration trophy, mortal Louis needs to acquire his wealth in an exploitative way, he needs to be a flawed character with room to grow.

You may still be uncomfortable with idea and certainly everyone is entitled to their opinion but it's flaws and vices that make characters relatable and beloved, its flaws and vices that make them feel real and human and its their flaws and vices that maybe sometimes teach something about ourselves.

Other Changes

Louis also seems to be somewhat more assertive and have more agency. I think that's smart. The other thing that bothered me with the race change was the already slanted power dynamic between the two being that much worse. To do this day in the African-American community one of the biggest concerns for us in interracial dating is the social power dynamic. Racism can become that much more dangerous if you're involved with an abusive white person. And well we all know what Louis says about his relationship with Lestat...

I do also think that Louis being Black and successful would simply have to be tougher more assertive person. I don't imagine he inherited the brothels and generational wealth and even if he did it's going to be a fight for a black family to keep that kind of wealth in 1910.

So with all these changes you might be wondering how can he possibly be the same. Well in many ways he's not but when you consider Louis' purpose in the story as a character, his core, his ability to drive the narrative home all Louis Pointe Du Lac needs to do is grieve, feel guilty and ashamed about things that were out of his control, be a bit of a liar and be really, really pretty in the face. From the trailers it certainly looks to me like Jacob Anderson's Louis is all of those things.

[deadlyglacier]

20 Questions tag~

I was tagged by @mythicamagic thank you senpai~<3

How many works do you have on AO3?

40 right now, plus 1 that is still hidden because of the SOFA Exchange event.  (I’m still a lil fish.)

What’s your total AO3 word count?

486,920!  That’s so amazing to me!

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

InuYasha - A Feudal Fairytale (18)

FullMetal Alchemist (18)

Mass Effect Trilogy (3)

Let’s Play (Webtoon) (1)

Kingdom Hearts (1) But I hope to write for many more fandoms in the future!  I have ideas for fics for Castlevania, Skyrim, Fallout 4, Last of Us Part II, and more!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

#1.  Stardust FemShep/Garrus, Mass Effect Trilogy, Rated Explicit. A retelling of the Shepard/Vakarian love story, with lots (and LOTS) of sexiness, from Garrus' point of view. Starts from before the Omega-4 and will end sometime after the end of ME3. Trying to stay as true to the game as possible, while adding some things happening off camera and a new ending.

#2.  Flamingo Sess/Kag, Inuyasha, Rated Explicit Kagome's method of beating the summer heat attracts a certain demon lord...

#3.  Hawk Sess/Kag, Inuyasha, Rated Explicit Kagome and Sesshomaru discover they have a mutual attraction for each other after a battle and a slight comedic incident brings them together. At first their relationship seems entirely sexual, but eventually evolves into something real. What will this romance mean for Naraku? Or even the future?  *TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHAPTER 6! MAJOR VIOLENCE AND TRAGEDY* Very, very loosely based on "A Mere Digression" by elle6778

#4.  Daisy Sam/Charles, Let’s Play, Rated Mature Sam wakes up somewhere unfamiliar with a splitting headache with no memory of the night before. Takes place right after the S2 finale.  First chapter was my prediction for what would happen next, and then three other “wishful thinking” chapters happened, lol.

#5.  Chemistry Ed/Winry, FullMetal Alchemist, Rated Mature A look at how the relationship between Ed and Winry developed after Brotherhood ended.  Cute, sweet, funny, and hot (eventually—y'all that know me know I gotta have some NSFW in there).

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to respond to everyone, especially when a fic of mine has just been posted, but sometimes I just forget.  If I haven’t responded to your comment, please know it’s just because I’m a big dumb and forgot!  I love getting comments, and I reread them all the time!  I just feel like there’s a time limit to when I can respond to them--if I let too much go by, it’s awkward if I reply.  Gah, but that’s just me getting in my own head, I guess.  I’ll do better!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Oof, definitely Psychology, a fic I wrote for RoyEdOTPoly this year.  The prompt I got was dark, and I didn’t see any way around an angsty ending.  Read at your own risk!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Well, aside from the last fic, I try to write happy endings for all my fics!  But, if I have to name names, I’m torn between Zoology (another FullMetal Alchemist fic, RoyEd, for RoyEdOTPoly this year) and Stardust (my Mass Effect fic, which is long, but so worth it, in my opinion).  Both are very fluffy in the end!

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Argh...  I don’t really like crossovers, to be honest.  I actively avoid them when looking for fics to read.  But that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought of writing them myself.  (I’m a total hypocrite, I know.)  I had an idea for an Inuyasha x The Sims fic, years ago, that I never did anything with.  The premise was basically Inuyasha and Kagome would get trapped in the game somehow (via the jewel or magic or something), and they’d be controlled by Souta, Kagome’s friends, Hojo--all sorts of different people who think the fact that Kagome and Inuyasha are in the game is just some kind of silly mod.  I probably won’t write it, so if anyone is interested in that crazy idea, have at it!  You have my blessing. <3 I also have a crazy crossover idea for what I call an “Ultimate OT3″ of mine that I’ve mentioned to my friends, but I haven’t actually written down yet:  Sesshomaru/Alucard/Sebastian Michaelis.  So be on the lookout for that!

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I wouldn’t call it “hate” so much as “mansplaining,” but I have gotten a couple of comments that made my eyebrow twitch on Stardust--both on AO3 and FFN.  Just dudes (and I’m fairly certain they were dudes, just from their tone) trying to explain why a certain plot twist wouldn’t work, or tell me how to save Sidonis in the actual game (which I already knew, that person just didn’t read what I wrote). I’ve also gotten a comment on one of my more controversial fics, Hippology, on FFN, where the person asked me if I thought my summary was K-Rated (which, admittedly, it does need to be for the site, and mine wasn’t--because of a single word).  I changed it and messaged them saying it was fixed.  Going to that commenter’s profile, however, proved to be fairly enlightening...  They’re nuts.  They have another profile, too.  Read at your own risk.  Yikes. There’s also a team of people on FFN who make it their life’s mission to report stories with rule violations.  I’ve gotten a comment from one of them as well.  These people are not mods, they just like to pretend they are--one of them even made their name look official!  “CU Administration,” gtfo dude. I also recently got one of my fics removed from FFN.  It wasn’t even one of my sexiest ones!  They put me in timeout for 48 hours, and when I was finally able to publish something new on the site again, I posted Hippology (my centaur smut), and it’s still up as I type this.  (Wonder how long it’ll take them to notice?)  And since the fic that got taken down was a SessKag fic, I’m thinking it might have been a petty SessRinner who reported it to the “authorities” of FFN, because another friend of mine got hers taken down not long after mine, and it was also SessKag.  Just my tinfoil theory, anyway!

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes, yes, yes.  It’s practically all I write.  I do all sorts of smut, from romantic, sensual stuff, to specific kinks, to monsterfucking--all that good stuff.  Can’t change me~<3

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

God, I hope not!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t think so.  No one has asked me if they can translate one, anyway.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet!  I’m open to the idea, and I’ve had little discussions with my fic-writing buddies about it, but nothing’s come out of it just yet.  Keep your eyes peeled!

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Oh, now come on!  I can’t pick just one!  But I’ll give you a top 3 (in no particular order, because they change places a lot, depending on how obsessed I am with them at the moment). Inuyasha:  Sess/Kag FullMetal Alchemist:  Roy/Ed Mass Effect:  Garrus/FemShep

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I have a couple of stories that I deleted from my original FFN account that I’d like to re-write and re-post on AO3, but I don’t think I’ll ever get around to it.  There were a couple of Inu/Kag fics I had in-progress, and then a Koug/Kag fic.  I recently rewrote and reposted my SessKag fic from years ago, Hawk, on FFN, AO3, and Dokuga!  So maybe all hope isn’t lost.  I’m even writing a sequel for Hawk! All the stories I have in-progress right now I plan on finishing.  At some point, lol.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, without a doubt.  It’s my favorite thing to write, aside from smut, of course--which is another strength of mine.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions, ugh.  I try to do them well, but I always feel like they get stale.  So I keep them somewhat vague, because in my mind, I think readers will fill in the gaps themselves whether you describe something immaculately or not--they’ll see what they want to see, and that is totally fine in my book!  Or maybe I’m just making excuses, lol.  I’ll only describe something in a lot of detail if I want the reader to focus on that--usually an outfit, accessory, or weapon--otherwise, I leave it up to their imagination (I don’t want manipulate it too much, I suppose).

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Wildly unnecessary unless that author speaks the language as well, or if certain words already exist in the fandom’s translations (ex. “youkai,” “alkahestry,” etc).

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Inuyasha, and the fic(s) I wrote in the beginning were terrible.  I want to burn all traces of them off the face of the earth.  I was in middle school.  I was young and stupid.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I gotta go with Stardust.  It’s the longest fic I’ve ever completed at more than 160k words.  I was so immensely proud when I typed “The End,” and I was able to say to myself “I did it.”

I tag: @glassesmcfancyhair @willowsrain 

[hamonsurveysoverdrive]

Comely

1. Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground and carry you? Yes, I hate it. 2. Are you a flirty person? Sometimes. 3. Do you like coffee? How about tea? Yes to both. 4. Where exactly was your first kiss? Hurricane Harbor. 5. The last store you went to was…? Kroger. 6. A name you hate with a passion? Gertrude. 7. Do you have a friend named Alex? No, but I know someone named Alex. 8. The last person you held hands with? Justin. 9. How about the last movie you saw? The Craft, I think. 10. Did you like it? I've liked it since I was a kid lol 11. What is your favorite type of water (ex. Arrowhead)? Idc. 12. Have you ever been to Warped Tour? No. 13. Do you know anyone who wears fur? Not real fur. 14. When was the last time you were on myspace.com? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh like 10 years ago? 15. How often do you cuss? All the time. 16. Have you ever cussed out a teacher? No. 17. Do you know how many kids are at your school? I go to school with adults, so none. 18. What did you think of the movie Juno? It was alright. 19. When was the last time you had butterflies? Last time Justin and I had a date. 20. How often do you eat meat? Probably every day. 21. What grade did you meet your best friend in? After high school. 22. Would you rather be loved or love someone? Both? 23. Last time you cleaned your room? A few weeks ago. 24. Have you ever gotten clothes from the kids section of Target when you were over the age of 10? Once lol. It was supposed to be a dress for kids, but it was super fucking cute so I bought it as a shirt. 25. Are you more of a science/math person or english/history person? Or how about science/history or something like that? English and history. 26. What is your biggest fear? Whales. 27. Have you ever been cheated on in a relationship? Yes. 28. Your favorite children’s book you ever read? Most of Dr. Seuss's books. 29. When you were little, would you have rather watched Cartoon Network or Disney Channel? Disney, probably. 30. Do you shave your arms? No. 31. Since using the internet regularly, have you started to read less than you used to? Yes. 32. Are you a big fan of the Harry Potter series? Absolutely. 33. How often would say you pulled all-nighters, if you ever do? I did a lot in my teen and early 20's, but I'm too old for that now. 34. Do you wear make-up on a daily basis? Yes. 35. Has a friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend ever had a problem with you for any reason? Yes. 36. How old were you when you learned to drive? 19. 37. How many times a day do you find yourself cracking your joints, if at all? All the freaking time 38. Do you find yourself feeling lazier when the weather is warm? No,  when it's colder. 39. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? Not really regularly. 40. Are you a fan of the TV show Friends? Yes. 41. How old do you think is too old to sleep with a stuffed animal? Whatever. 42. If AC wasn’t an option, would you rather sleep with a fan on or with the windows open? A fan, but fuck that sounds horrible. 43. Do you find it hard to fall asleep when you know you have to be up earlier than normal? Yes. 44. Do you style your hair in the same way every day, or do you prefer to switch it up? It's pretty much the same. There's very few variants when you have short hair 45. Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? No, we're still together. 46. Are you currently looking forward to anything? Not especially. 47. Ever receive a really long apology? Yepp. 48. What were you doing at 7:45AM this morning? Sleeping. 49. Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side? I don't eat ketchup. 50. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My kiddos. 51. How many tattoos would you like to have? I want way more. 52. Have you ever hung out with someone just to hang out? Sure? 53. Would you be mad if your best friend dated your crush? I am not a child, but thanks. 54. Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Eh, I'm good. 55. What was the last thing you drank? Coffee. 56. Do you laugh a lot? Yepp. 57. Do you have a dog? I do. 58. Do you like orange juice? Yes, but my ulcer does not. 59. Would you rather have big or small dogs? Big. 60. Have you ever slept in someone else’s bed? Yes. 61. When was the last time you cried? Idk. 62. Are you over the age of 25? Yes. 63. Do you like your first name? I do. 64. Do you wear glasses? Yes. 65. Do you think you’re wasting your time on the person you like? No. 66. Do you/have you ever liked/been in love with someone older than you? Yes. 67. Did you enjoy your summer? Not really. Pandemic summers aren't great lol 68. How’s your heart lately? Beating. 68. Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? No thanks. 69. Are you a jealous person? It happens. 70. Are you ready to get out of this town? No thanks. 71. Have you had alcohol in the last 48 hours? I haven't had alcohol in 3.5 years. 72. Do you currently have a hickey? Nope. 73. Would you rather live without music or without the TV? TV I guess. 74. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister? Do... those people still exist?

[swellwriting]

tagged by @kabeswaters​ and @fortisfiliae​ love u both sm <3 <3

1. on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? it fluctuates but right now -1 

2. describe yourself in a hashtag? #anxious

3. if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? JAKE MOTHERFUCKING GYLLENHAAL 

4. if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? i dont know what that is hah

5. what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i guess some people don’t know i’m type one diabetic??

6. what’s your wake up ritual? uh phone, animal crossing, fruit loops, weed

7. what’s your go to bed ritual? I watch asmr videos cuz im usually high as fuck and they knock me out lol, or i watch tiktok or pillow talk with my bf nick.

8. what’s your favorite time of day? like 9 pm?

9. your go to for having a good laugh? my boyfriend always makes me laugh no matter how angry or upset i am so i’d talk to him uwu

10. dream country to visit? FRANCe specifically Paris oui oui with my french candian bullshit

11. what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? when they announced 5sos was touring with one direction and i had tickets, never screamed so loud in my LIFE

12. heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers duh

13. vintage or new? vintage babey

14. who do you want to write your obituary? ME from the great beyond, the only other person who knows me well enouhg is nick and i love him but he is very stupid.

15. style icon? uh harry styles, devon lee carlson, halsey, bella hadid, tyler the creator some normal people whos style i LOVE  from insta are rebeccaramsdale , kehllie , kikalateefff , yourgirlneens , lilxmg !

16. what are three things you cannot live without? phone, insulin, art, music

17. what’s one ingredient you put in everything? probs vanilla or hotsauce, the only two flavours.

18. what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? my dead brother DJ, kurt cobain andddd ryan dunn from jackass what a weird mix.

19. what’s your biggest fear in life? loosing my senses, loosing control, the fear that i am not actually real and ... oh spiders.

20. window or aisle seat? window 

21. what’s your current tv obsession? think its gonna be adventure time again

22. favorite app? instagram or discord so i can talk to my friends uwu

23. secret talent? i can speak french and giberish

24. most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? camping i guess?

25. how would you define yourself in three words? anxious, empathetic, creative

26. favorite piece of clothing you own? my vintage star wars shirt

27. a must have clothing item that everyone should have? blank tees, good quality blank tees!!! white black grey mhmhmh

28. a superpower you would want? i’d wanna be spidergirl

29. what’s inspiring you in life right now? nothing at all :(

30. best piece of advice you’ve received? my grade six teacher telling me that i was very empathetic as i was sitting at the back of the class crying because of the movie we were watching, she told me not everyone is empathetic like i am but its okay to be soft. but not to expect that from everyone else.

31. best advice you’d give your teenage self? teenage me was a mess but not messy enough that i’d change anything. i’d just say, things get better but im currently back in the state teenage me was in so...i’d be lying. maybe that wanting to kill yourself does not count as a personality trait - and start reading comics earlier cuz u really like them.

32. a book everyone should read? i read wack books, everyone on tumblr should read fangirl tho

33. what would you like to be remembered for? something i created

34. how do you define beauty? self expression and individuality 

35. what do you love most about your body? wait people love their bodies? not everyone was severly damaged by online diet culture and thigh gap era tumblr? weird ok

36. best way to take a rest/decompress? weed or bath or a movie

37. favorite place to view art? there is an art gallery in saskatchewan that i love, i was suposed to go there this summer before corona took over :(((

38. if your life was a song, what would the title be? either something short like “mellow” or fob style like “im so anxiuos all the time and nothing ever feels real and i dont know what im doing but somehow im doing pretty good while feeling prety bad and laughing through my tears lol.” or i’d steal “teen idle” by marina and the diamonds.

39. if you could master one instrument, what would it be? guitar or piano because im lame at both.

40. if you had a tattoo, where would it be? i want two moths above my knees rn

41 dolphins or koalas? neither

42. what’s an animal that represents you? im more of a pokemon, i think id be jigglypuff

43. best gift you’ve ever received? whenever nick buys me clothes from stussy or maybe infinity on high on vinyl.

44. best gift you’ve given? i bought nick the entire sin city comic series in one giant book.

45. what’s your favorite board game? monopoly

46. what’s your favorite color? yellow

47. least favorite color? that weird pinky purple

48. diamond or pearls? pearls

49. drugstore makeup or designer? colour pop and fenty

50. pilates or yoga? yoga

51. coffee or tea? tea

52. what’s the weirdest word in the english language? pumpernickle is my fav one.

53. dark chocolate or milk chocolate? MILK

54. stairs or elevators? stairs

55. summer or winter? summer, canadian winters are brutal.

56. you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? ur asking someone who has very specific comfort foods so i already do this - cheese bagel toasted with cream cheese and then toasted again to melt cheddar cheese on top. with a diet coke thats very important.

57. a dessert you don’t like? cheesecake 

58. a skill you’re working on mastering? im crazy so this is a lot but - writing , drawing and painting, polymer clay, sewing, resin art and pottery.

59. best thing to happen to you today? nothing

60. worst thing to happen to you today? the line at starbucks was too long and i had to get wendys instead, and a few other things i won’t mention.

61. best compliment you’ve ever received? whenever my mom says i remind her of my brother dj, when people say anything nice about my art or writing style. when people ask about my clothes. when my friend jess called me a “known softie” uwu

62. favorite smell? lavender

63. hugs or kisses? hugs

64. if you made a documentary, what would it be about? i’d talk about star wars for hours on end 

65. last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? of mice and men made me ball my fucking eyes out

66. lipstick or lipgloss? chapstickk

67. sweet or savory? sweet

68. girl crush? Zendaya

69. how do you know you’re in love? idk ive just always been in love with nick (since i was 15) before i even really knew what love was, i guess if the other person feels like home, you know ur doing something right.

70. a song you can listen to on repeat? nine in the afternoon by p!atd or a match into water by peirce the veil, over my head by fleetwood mac

71. if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? harry styles that mysterious fucker

72. what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? currently not looking forward to anything becase my life is super uncertain right now ha.. maybe the release of the chaos walking movie whenever that decides to happen.

tagging: i assume yall have been tagged in this already but just incase @beskarjedi @woakiees @bluemadcnna @carolinesbookworld  @theseuscmander and anyone else who wants to do this consider urself tagged.

[purplesurveys]

816

Gonna do a before and after of one of the first surveys I took when I was FOURTEEN. Fucking wild that I’ve been doing this for nearly a decade. Kinda my way of celebrating the fact that I’ve just been reunited with my old blog, which Tumblr has apparently changed the URL of. Baffled by the move but still stoked, and @a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse​ is absolutely the coolest person for being able to find it haha. Let’s gooooo 1. Are you registered to vote? No. I still have 3 years to go. < That’s so precious. I’ve been a voter for four years now. I registered the second I turned 18 and I remember being very excited to make it to the presidential elections because only a handful of people from my high school batch were 18 by the time of the elections. 2. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? Only when I’m counting down for something. < This still sounds like something I would do, but I don’t really get to anymore because I have digital calendars on my phone and laptop now. 3. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? Summer vacation! 4 days left! < Again, so cute. There’s no countdown that exists because I honestly don’t know when it will be okay enough to go out like normal again, but I am waiting for Covid to go away or at least for a vaccine to be available.

No #4? 5. Ever got injured at work? What happened? Nope. < I sprained my ankle at one of the parking lots in school, while walking to my car. Worst thing was it happened in front of an ongoing rally, and I heard their chants slightly falter when they saw me fall. I tried to play it cool, but my foot clearly felt fucked and someone had to hold my arm as I hopped to my car.

6. What color is your roof? Brown. < Stop pretending like you have a roof, Robyn. The house has always had a rooftop.

7. Do you use MySpace or Facebook more? Neither. < I was still far too young when MySpace peaked so I never did get to participate in its glory days. I definitely use Facebook a lot more, then and now. 8. Last time you sharpened a pencil? When I took a diagnostic test last Monday. < Sometime in 2019 when I was still heavily into coloring and I bought several coloring books and a pack of coloring pencils. I loved coloring and wish I kept it up, but it was just a bit of a hassle for me to sharpen every ten minutes or so. 9. List all the people in your phone under T: Zero, zilch, nada. No phone. < A high school batchmade named Dani, a college colleague named Kate, and a couple of aunts and uncles whose contacts start with Tito and Tita.  10. How old were you when you got into text messaging? I once had a super obsessive text problem when I was 11, I think? < That would be the first time I got hooked with texting, but I got my first phone when I was 7 and was already texting by then. Mostly my parents and grandpa, but still. 11. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. < No. They’ve already told me they won’t pressure me to do so either, but out of gratefulness for taking care of me for 20+ years I have absolutely no problems covering some of the bills when the time comes. 12. What do you think of Obama’s new healthcare bill? I don’t know a lot about it. < Honestly, still same. That’s another country’s politics altogether and we have enough issues in our own nation as it is. I do pay attention to US issues that are more universal like LGBT issues, police brutality against black people, Trump as a person...but not the more in-depth ones like healthcare or student debt. 13. How many icons are on your desktop? 34. < Exactly half of that. 14. Do you spit or swallow? Get outta here!!! < Still can’t relate. 15. Ever wrote something on a bathroom wall? Nope. < Eugh no, public bathrooms are so nasty. I don’t usually touch anything in them other than the faucet. I’ve written on other things though, like the desks in school. 16. What’s your definition of a slut? Uh. < Someone who often has casual sex with a lot of people, is how I understand it. 17. If you use the word “slut”, do you apply it to men who do the same thing as what you listed above? Nah. < I don’t really use the word. 18. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I did once, in a children’s party. < Yeah, just that one time at my second cousins’ place when they were in the mood to paint on eggs and invited me and my siblings. 19. What did you do on the first day of spring? Never experienced spring. < We don’t have spring. 23. Are you currently crushing on anyone? No. < Yes. 24. What color hair did the last person you kissed have? NKSB. < LOOOOOOOOOL I spent like two minutes puzzling over this like who tf is NKSB??? Eventually realized this just meant ‘Never Kissed Since Birth’ oh my god 14 year old Robyn you were SO uncool. Anyway, her hair is black. 25. Do you stand up to say the pledge in school? We don’t have a school pledge, but we do recite our country’s pledge and yes, we stand up every time we say it. < Not anymore in university. Everyone just kinda does their own thing in college and we’re never gathered as one student body for anything, except for graduation. 26. Do you like your eye color? God no. It’s so boring. < I mean yeah it is a bit boring, but we kinda have no choice. Unless you go to West Asia which is nearing Europe as it is, nearly all Asians have brown eyes and black hair. 27. What brand of orange juice did you last drink? Zesto. < That’s the only brand of orange juice I’m okay with drinking, even eight years later. 28. Pens or pencils? Pens. < Still feel the same. 29. Last skirt you wore and why? My school skirt, because I have to go to school. < Omfg again, this is so precious. The last one I wore was my denim skirt, but it’s also been a while since I wore that because one of its buttons has since popped out and I never got around to having it fixed, leaving me with no skirts. 30. Last time you wore heels, what kind were they? A prom I went to. I actually have no idea what kind of heels they are so I’m just gonna say old-women heels. < They were stilettos, you dumbass. I also wore a pair of stilettos the last time I wore heels. They’re my favorite kind, so. 31. Shoes you wear the most? My Keds. < My pair of Onitsuka Tiger sneakers. . 32. Favorite quote at the moment? “YOU DUMB BITCH! I’M NOT HOLDING A MICROPHONE! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?” - CM Punk < Holy crap, I do not remember this quote at all and had to look it up on YouTube and – no regrets. Watching it made so many memories come rushing back lmao that clip is hilarious; Punk is the greatest. Right now I don’t really have a favorite quote. 33. What was the last magazine article you read about? I forgot. < It’s from the website version of the magazine, but the last article I read covered a viral Facebook post wherein someone had photoshopped the faces of The Big Bang Theory boys onto the traditional graduation photos of my university out of boredom. Article is here for anyone who wants to see how well the pictures turned out lol. 34. What do you think about communism? I don’t know enough about it. < I completely support the progressive youth orgs, especially the ones in my university, that are aligned with communist, socialist, and Marxist ideals. They speak the truth more than any other orgs, so I don’t shy away from defending them or promoting their ideals, especially on social media, even if it puts me in danger. 35. Are you planning on going to college? If so, which one? Of course. I want to study in Ateneo. < CAN WE CANCEL 14 YEAR OLD ROBYN?????? What a disappointment omg. You were always meant to be in UP, you weirdo. 22 year old me takes that appalling statement back lol I can’t even begin to imagine spending my college years in Ateneo. 36. What’s your favorite flower? Ugh I hate flowers. < Peonies and roses. 37. What’s the nearest beach? I think it’s like…600 km away + a 2 hour boat ride. < No it is not. There’s a beach I come back to in Nasugbu and that’s only 100 km away. 38. Ever been to Florida? Nope. < Still nope. 39. How old is your brother’s best friend? He’s probably 9 as my brother’s 9. < I don’t know if he has one and I don’t really care anymore. 40. What type of car did you ride in last? A Kia van. < Sksksksks this was referring to the school bus I used to ride omg :( I was last in our Vitara, when I had to go to the hospital to get some tests done back when I still had a pesky fever. 42. Are you excited for summer 2013? Fuck yeah. < I honestly don’t remember how it ultimately went, but apparently I was excited for it so that answers the question. 43. What class were your parents (ex. class of ‘75)? They’re the same age so batch ‘89. < There we go. 44. Are you in debt right now? For what? No. < Kinda-ish? I promised my sister I’d pay her for helping me out with iMovie (I wanted to make Gab a video for her birthday, but had never done it before), but I haven’t had the chance to do it since I only have big bills at the moment. She’s asking for ₱200 but I only have ₱1000s in my wallet, so I can’t pay her for now. 45. If you’re old enough, do you have a credit card? If you’re not old enough, do you want one when you’re older? I definitely want one. < Yep, still want one. Though I’ll need a crash course on how to use it because my parents never really taught me how cards work. 46. What color is your phone? No phone. < Apple calls it space gray but it’s really just black. 47. Have you ever had someone read a text message they weren’t supposed to see? Yes. < Yes. That person was me, and I accidentally read a text from my dad meant for only my mom when I was 5 because I had stubborn fingers that would click on anything. 48. What’s the minimum age you think someone should have a cell phone at? 10. < Holy cow, that’s a nope for me. I’d say 12 or 13. 49. Would you ever work night crew? Sure. < Yes. I’ve seen my girlfriend’s mom do it and honestly I find it pretty badass, especially because while everyone is stuck in traffic trying to get to work by 9 AM, she’s cruising down the highway on the opposite lane with no problem, to be home by 9 hahaha. 50. How old is the last person you texted? 41. < 22.

[alternislatronemhq]

Congrats, May, you have been accepted to AL for the role of Poppy Pomfrey (FC: Naomi Watts). Ahhh, May, I am SO excited that you are bringing us Poppy. We so rarely see her played in the RP community, and she’s just such a fascinating character. It’s obvious that you’ve written her before and have such a good grasp on her character as well as how she fits into this world. I’m so excited for my Minerva to have her best pal! Please send in your blog (no sideblogs for first characters, please) in the next 24 hours and be sure to take a look at our new player checklist.Welcome home, we’re so excited to have you join the family!

OOC

name — may
 age — 21
 pronouns — she/her 
timezone — GMT+1
 activity level — will probably be available for a few hours every day; will very rarely take more than 24hrs to respond any questions? — when do we start?

IC Overview

name — Poppy Pomfrey age — 48 
gender — cis-female, she/her
 sexuality — homosexual


patronus — a white swan, which often belongs to a highly emotional owner. unfortunately for her, this description fits poppy particularly well; she is a woman known for her bursts of hysteria and her strong emotional core. in particular, like a maternal swan, poppy’s protectiveness (of friends, family, and patients) borders on frighteningly aggressive — but you’ll get used to it!


boggart — what an outsider might perceive to be a fear of loss is in fact intrinsically linked to a fear of failure; poppy’s boggart is indeed death, but specifically preventable death. in other words, she will see those she cares about in mortal peril, but she is powerless to save them.

IC in depth

personality traits —

+benevolent - above all else, poppy is an intensely kind-hearted individual. though first a healer by family trade and intellectual interest, she nonetheless passionately ties herself to the welfare and safety of her charges.

+intelligent - she might not be minerva mcgonagall in the duelling department, but poppy excelled in all core subjects at school (as well as astronomy and muggle studies) in order to train as a healer. she is often found reading medical journals of the muggle and magical kind in her spare time — and if you call her ‘nurse’, when she is quite aware that a healer is the muggle equivalent of a doctor, she is very likely to show you her extensive knowledge of gruesome hexes.

+perfectionist - though there’s a valid argument for obsessive compulsive tendencies, poppy believes she’s merely a perfectionist. it’s not often problematic, though her excessive tidying and cleaning can become a tad time-consuming for her, and in fact ensures the best possible care for her patients.

+-protective - linked to a desire for regular company, which she sometimes lacks in the hospital wing, poppy is protective of her patients to the point of trapping them in her sights if an ailment stretches beyond the minor kind. nonetheless, she’s soft enough that she might allow the occasional visit, even if they are short and watched with a careful eye.

-aggressive - whilst not perhaps the most natural of fighters, the aforementioned fierce protectiveness goes hand in hand with an aggressive streak. poppy will shout when the safety of a patient is compromised, even if it risks said patient’s hearing. she has no qualms about angrily tackling those who would dare question her, which can cause various problems.

-emotional - some have termed her ‘hysterical’ which, with her muggle medical understanding, poppy deems highly offensive. she is inclined to tearful outbursts, though is usually able to maintain composure if her skills are required — even if she is found to be a sobbing mess shortly after saving a life. students are more likely to see the stoic side of her, which certainly exists in equal measure, but this is her way of maintaining order in her infirmary; besides, she doesn’t find fixing broken bones and the like to be particularly upsetting.

character biography —

born the second daughter of liberal, magical parents, poppy has been surrounded by witchcraft and wizardry her entire life. her mother, a hufflepuff healer, is her antithesis in many ways; perpetually calm and eternally warm, she is a creature of comfort for her own patients, whereas her daughter’s bedside manner tends to have a firmer, anxious edge. poppy’s father, a ravenclaw, is an alchemist of considerable ability and, like his younger child, more of a highly strung, intellectual character. completing the family is violet, a far older sister, who still delights in reminding poppy that she was an (‘unhappy’) accident. being the youngest, by a fairly considerable gap, poppy grew quickly in her youth, taking to her mother’s books and her father’s journals to seek ways to converse with her family without dragging them to her childish level.

sorted into ravenclaw at the age of 11, poppy discovered both age-appropriate friends and an identity of her own, though her love of healing and her passion for potions did not fade in her new verdant home, away from the london smog. she never discarded her maturity even during her earliest years at hogwarts, but she was certainly truer to herself without a family to please so directly. to this day, she credits minerva mcgonagall with the oft bolshy courage she carries around the infirmary.

at 16, poppy was alarmed to realise that boys had begun to notice her. a relatively popular girl, well-presented and quick to help others with their work, she wasn’t entirely surprised at first to spot a few extra faces in her study group. it was minerva, with all her non-existent tact, who leaned over to comment on certain growth around the bust; the illusion that she was being genuinely helpful quickly came crashing down. she knew how it all worked from her books, and even had a niece to coo over during the holidays, but the relationships that stole her free time for a while after that were peculiar and dissatisfying. it was down to minerva once again, aided by alastor moody, to inform poppy that her sexuality was very much up for debate. suddenly her fascination with watching minerva’s frankly dangerous quidditch tricks made an awful lot of sense…

after graduating from hogwarts, poppy trained at st mungo’s under her mother’s watchful eye, choosing to focus her talents on paediatric healing. once again suffocated at home, as well as at work, she grasped the opportunity to fill the post of hogwarts matron with both hands when it was mentioned to her. she has been happily there ever since, largely contentedly alone and perfectly comfortable with a continuous stream of children to mother — without the horrific remnants of labour on her body and memory.

in war, poppy made her association with the order of the phoenix clear to the right people, but never formally joined their ranks. in her mind, as dumbledore agreed, she was better without the recognisable connection. nevertheless, her days spent treating students bled into nights aiding order members in her personal quarters. if she ever has to house mr sirius black, or some other poor soul, in her spare bedroom with a nasty wound again, she is sure she will lose her mind. but, if the darkness comes knocking once more, she will gladly take that risk.

plot ideas —

- poppy absolutely has an unreciprocated crush on minerva, long since weaved with friendship and familial love, which i could certainly see as a point of contention between the two during heated moments.

- entirely open to romantic subplots, but poppy will always focus on her patients first!

extra —

headcanons:

- poppy heads the unofficial ‘ban the house system’ group, which she attempts to force on her colleagues every so often. she is not a fan of the division it creates, nor the rigid expectations, and has never been one to encourage prejudice against slytherin house (or any house, for that matter). this tendency towards prejudice is the one thing she dislikes in minerva.

- likewise, poppy has a small campaign to restrict quidditch players to fourth-years and above. she knows that minerva and the other house heads probably despise her for it, but her good friend’s dangerous school experiences have helped to create this intense loathing.

[ludicrousperson]

Get To Know Me Questions (Very long)

thanks for tagging me bubs @meeresnaechte <3

1. What is your first name? Michelle

2. What is your nickname? Michi, Ischi, E.T., Valera

3. What is your zodiac sign? Aries

4. What is your favorite book series? Definitely the Harry Potter Book Series

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? I believe in ghosts but not really in aliens? The term ‘aliens’ is so stigmatized, that I don’t support this term and it’s definition. But somehow I slightly believe that humans are not the only ones in space.

6. Who is your favorite author? Haruki Murakami

7. What is your favorite radio station? I don’t really listen to radio, but when I do, I skip along through every station while driving car.

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? I love to try the variety of all the flavors, but my go to flavor is definitely chocolate hehe.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Lovely or Cute/Adorable. I love it when something or someone is just themselves and it’s so pure and lovely and I want to give it/them all my heart.

10. What is your current favorite song? Don’t Settle - Ben Kyle

11. What is your favorite word? It may seem so casual but the word ‘Thanks’ or ‘Thank you’ (‘Danke’ in German) holds so much power and lots meaning. For me it is another way to express my thankfulness and love I hold for my friends and family. ‘Thank you for seeing me’, ‘Thank you for making me laugh’, ‘Thank you.’.

12. What was the last song you listened to? I am You - Stray Kids

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Breaking Bad, Narcos, Stranger Things & Goblin (KDrama).

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban & Therapie (by DieAussenseiter, German Youtuber).

15. Do you play video games? Currently I play ‘The Last of Us’. But rather than playing I really loooove to watch Let’s Plays of for example ‘Detroit: Become Human’, ‘Resident Evil’ aaand so on.

16. What is your biggest fear? Darkness & Loneliness. 

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I can be really spontaneous and would steal a car to drive to the ocean just for one hour so we can watch the sunset. Also I am really honest. You did something bad that’s not quite acceptable? Let’s talk it out and I will stay by your side to help you change your thinking/behavior or simply your mistake (vice versa counts for me).

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? My mind. I get nervous and tell myself that I am weird and that I am just annoying. That happens even when I am with my closest friends. Plus, I am sometimes very hot tempered. In a conflict I want to understand what my opposite thinks and what their opinion is, but it turns into me shouting quite fast.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Honestly I like both, but since I am allergic to cats, I love and praise doggos.

20. What is your favorite season? Spring Spring Spring and a bit of Autumn.

21. Are you in a relationship? No.

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? I miss that my parents never lived together and that I have never seen them together in one room.

23. Who is your best friend? I have 3. One I met through the Internet in 2013. One I met in school 4 years ago and that I didn’t like at the beginning and one who reached out to me in 2017.

24. What is your eye color? Brown

25. What is your hair color? Brown

26. Who is someone you love? My friends and my granny

27. Who is someone you trust? My friends

28. Who is someone you think about often? Someone who I can share my happiness with but haven’t met yet.

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? I am always excited for the little things. But right now I am lowkey excited for what this semester in University will gift me.

30. What is your biggest obsession? Music & Photography

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Spongebob and Disneys Recess

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? I have more male friends than female friends and I can talk as openly to them as to my female friends.

33. Are you superstitious? Slightly

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? I wouldn’t count it as a phobia but I get panicked as soon as I see too many people around me.

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind it. I love to capture the pure beauty of the nature and of my friends being themselves. I want to capture their beauty forever, even when ways start to split. The memories won’t disappear.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Photography.

37. What was the last book you read? Ein Kind - Thomas Bernhard

38. What was the last movie you watched? Annabelle 3. Saturday at a drive-in cinema with my best friend and her friends.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? I can’t play one but I am trying to learn the piano.

40. What is your favorite animal? Whales, Koalas and Birds.

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? Definitley @loewen-gebruell, kuss an dich

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Teleportation & Invisibility

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? At the ocean. Just watching the waves and the sun and the wind and the people. It feels like time stops while time is running by.

44. What makes you smile? When other people are happy, doesn’t matter if it’s because of me or because of something/someone else.

45. What sports do you play, if any? Zumba/Dancing, Handball and Badminton.

46. What is your favorite drink? Waaaaater

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? For my best friend on her birthday as a present in May.

48. Are you afraid of heights? A bit, depends on my current anxiety level haha

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Aggressiveness. I am so afraid if people get aggressive. 

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Yes. K.I.Z. in Essen & Monsta X in Berlin.

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? No.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I always wanted to teach or help children. Now I am trying to fulfill my wish into becoming a psychotherapist.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Aaaaaall the way Hogwarts.

54. What is something you worry about? I worry about my own future and about my family.

55. Are you scared of the dark? I am literally so scared when it gets dark. I need someone by my side to keep calm.

56. Do you like to sing? I love to sing and I would have already become a popular singer but sike my voice sucks so bad I don’t even like to speak in general because of my voice.

57. Have you ever skipped school? Yes hehe

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Wherever I know I am not going to stay forever.

59. Where would you like to live? I want to live in so many countries, but I am afraid to settle down somewhere for the rest of my life.

60. Do you have any pets? No.

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Early bird, but lately I am more a night owl uhu

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunrises. Even though I find sunsets so surprisingly beautiful, I cherish sunrises a lot more. My heart feels like ‘here we are, leave it behind, you had time, it is a new start, you can do it in your own pace’ and it just feels warm.

63. Do you know how to drive? Yes and it’s the only thing I am 100% confident in lol

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds.

65. Have you ever had braces? Yes I had and I plan on getting some again.

66. What is your favorite genre of music? Ballads & a mix of EDM and POP

67. Who is your hero? May I say ‘Gronkh’?. He is a Youtuber and I watch him and his videos since I am 12. He has been with me for all the past years and he is still with me even though I am 20. His words always gave me courage and gave me what I never received from anyone else. He has a strong Father Role in my eyes.

68. Do you read comic books? No.

69. What makes you the most angry? Lies

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? A real book.

71. What is your favorite subject in school? German & Chemics

72. Do you have any siblings? Yes, 4 Half-Siblings, all younger than me.

73. What was the last thing you bought? A hoodie for the drive-in cinema at night.

74. How tall are you? 170 cm

75. Can you cook? Since I live on my own I cook a lot and I didn’t get food poisoned yet so I think I can cook.

76. What are three things that you love? Late Nights, Spontaneous Roadtrips & Laughs.

77. What are three things that you hate? Toxicity, Self-Centered People & Hate in general. 

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? More male friends.

79. What is your sexual orientation? Straight by now but I don’t care who I am going to fall in love with.

80. Where do you currently live? In Austria for my studies.

81. Who was the last person you texted? My bestie @meeresnaechte

82. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday night.

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Gronkh.

84. Do you like to take selfies? Depends if I need a new profilepic.

85. What is your favorite app? Spotify & Tumblr

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Not good at all. My father disappoints me and breaks my trust to him everytime I visit him and my mother tries to be my best friend since she can’t act as a mother.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? Slavik and Australian.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Mongolia, Southern America and Antarctica.

89. What is your favorite number? 16

90. Can you juggle? No

91. Are you religious? I have been raised strongly catholic but I got myself out of this close minded thinking. Even though I don’t practice any religious “doings”, I try to compare my experiences with the religions opinion.

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? The deep ocean. The deep ocean is all around us and is covering 71% of the world we live on. So many lives live deep down in the ocean we have never seen and it’s the most undiscovered place on earth.

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? No.

94. Are you allergic to anything? Cats, Dust & Wheat

95. Can you curl your tongue? No

96. Can you wiggle your ears? No

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? 60% wrong, because I always try to see the good in someone and while not only hurting myself because of another disappointment, I hurt my closest friends as well.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? The beach. But the forest has something magical that will always leave me stunned.

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? “Do what makes you happy.”.

100. Are you a good liar? No and I don’t want to be.

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Hufflepuff

102. Do you talk to yourself? Most of the time since I live alone uhm

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? I am a situational extrovert.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? No, my Tumblr Blog is my diary since 2013.

105. Do you believe in second chances? Yes.

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Search for an ID and try to reach out to the person who lost it or give it straight to the owner of the place where I found the wallet or give it to the nearest police station.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? I have split opinions on it.

108. Are you ticklish? Yes.

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes.

110. Do you have any piercings? Yes, recently got a helix.

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Neville from Harry Potter, just imagining him as a best friend wow

112. Do you have any tattoos? Yes a Plumeria on my right arm.

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Not listening to others and making my own experiences.

114. Do you believe in karma? Yes.

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? No.

116. Do you want children? Yes, 3 to 5 children, but only if I am financially stable and if I can rely on my partner.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? Smart is anyone who found a way to live happily.

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? I don’t want to get reminded ciao

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? These dark circles under my eyes aren’t from sleeping.

120. What color are most of you clothes? Black & maybe some red here and there.

121. Do you like adventures? Always down for them, text me and I will show up at your front door with backpacks full of snacks and drinks and blankets let’s get it

122. Have you ever been on TV? No god thanks stay like this

123. How old are you? 20

124. What is your favorite quote? I have so many saved on my phone and written down in my notes, but one which I get reminded of most of the time is ”Erkennst du die nächste Gelegenheit, wenn sie passiert?” (”Do you see the next possibility when it’s happening?”).

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? I have a sweet tooth but spicy food has a special place in my heart.

People I want to get to know better:  @perrfectly @kuntergrau-mohae @loewen-gebruell

[secondscratch17]

weird asks that say a lot

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? All of them. I drink tea in coffee mugs and teacups. I love drinking wine. I like that I can recycle soda cans

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? chocolate

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? bubblegum if the flavor lasts long

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? the stereotypical quiet, obedient, smart, goody-two-shoes kid

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? somehow I like the aesthetic from soda bottles

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? hONESTLY I can dO ALL OF THE ABOVE in the span of days. Went to work one day wearing beach-y clothes for spirit day. Returned to pick up a friend to go see a metal concert in VERY metal concert attire. I own short, sweet summery floral dresses and gothic dresses, too

7. earbuds or headphones? Earbuds, they allow me to be more mobile

8. movies or tv shows? movies

9. favorite smell in the summer? Fresh cut grass. The smell of the ocean. Churros at the fair

10. game you were best at in p.e.? Soccer, obvs. Somehow would always last until the end of the game in dodgeball tho because I was small and no one could hit me

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Cereal

12. name of your favorite playlist? Don’t have one. 

13. lanyard or key ring?  Key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? Smarties!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? I remember re-reading Holes over and over just to make my book reports easier since I knew the boo so well. The Kite Runner was phenomenal and unforgettable

16. most comfortable position to sit in? idk?? I really can’t sit still in one position for too long

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? Currently my hiking/outdoorsy shoes. Also my black Nikes that I play pickup in and wear to the gym

18. ideal weather? Sunny and 65. Maybe one or two clouds. The tiniest of faint breezes to cool me down. 

19. sleeping position? Any I can get into and fall asleep in quickly

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? Laptop. I can edit easier.

21. obsession from childhood? Probably any cheesy show on Animal Planet. The Most Extreme, Meerkat Manor, Big Cat Diary, etc

22. role model? I have a lot of different ones. Role models for athletics, role models for career and ambition choices, artistic role models...can’t pick just one

23. strange habits? Spelling words with the tips of my fingers

24. favorite crystal? Aquamarine

25. first song you remember hearing? how in the FUCK am I supposed to remember that. I do remember my parents playing The Beatles for me when I was a toddler

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Soccer! (futbol) 

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Sledding, making hot chocolate, or playing indoor soccer haha

28. five songs to describe you? Who I am Hates Who I’ve Been by Relient K, Proud by the Icarus Account, Land of the Dead by Voltaire, Always Leaving by Mayday Parade, Wavin’ Flag by K’naan

29. best way to bond with you? Listening to my favorite music with me or watching the US Women’s national soccer team with me

30. places that you find sacred? Belfast, Maine. Gold Camp Road. Newport Beach

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Tight jeans with holes in them, fishnets, and a crop top

32. top five favorite vines? Vines still exist?

33. most used phrase in your phone? “tbh”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? O O O O REILLYYYYYY’S autoparts

35. average time you fall asleep? around 9

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? I don’t remember

37. suitcase or duffel bag? suitcase

38. lemonade or tea? Is it warm outside? Lemonade. Is it cold outside? tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? PIE!

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Zombie hunting or my professor cutting lab a half an hour short to go look at some Cedar waxwings

41. last person you texted? I think it was Robert

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? Pants pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Jean jacket

44. favorite scent for soap? Anything fruity

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy. It depends on how good the sci-fi movie is

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? as little as possible lmao

47. favorite type of cheese? Parmesan

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? A raspberry

49. what saying or quote do you live by? A great amount of good is always evened out by a great amount of bad

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? Honestly Daniel knew how to make me laugh better than anyone. There are a couple of memories with him that I don’t remember entirely but I know that I ended up cry-laughing so hard that my head hurt. There was a time during my orientation camping trip when a bunch of us were playing ultimate Frisbee, and Jesse went to catch the frisbee in the most perfectly lateral horizontal position and the expression of focus just frozen on his face had me laughing so hard that I couldn’t see

51. current stresses? Sam. Jobs that I can apply for starting in May of 2020. Sam. STUDENT LOANS. Bills. Car payments. Wondering how fucked up my car has gotten since I’ve lived here on this ranch. Sam. 

52. favorite font? Anything that looks fancy and sarcastic

53. what is the current state of your hands? Need to be washed. 

54. what did you learn from your first job? The world is cruel and bad things happen without warning

55. favorite fairy tale? Uh....the Pied Piper?

56. favorite tradition? when my family visits for Christmas, eating lots of traditional Chinese food with them

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? Heartbreak. Staggering rejection from the field I majored in. Probably a lot of body image struggles in there as well

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Writing, futbol, adaptability, flexibility. I think the last two are just traits but I don’t have a lot of talents I can invest in

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Let’s make like a baby and head out

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? No idea

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Though we are far apart, our spirits share the same earth and the same sky

62. seven characters you relate to? Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit, Data from The Goonies, Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, Eliza Thornberry from The Wild Thornberries, Raven from Teen Titans, Isaac from Teen Wolf

63. five songs that would play in your club? ANYTHING by Within Temptation. I wouldn’t be a good club owner. The catchy and pump-up songs from Hamilton.

64. favorite website from your childhood? Wasn’t allowed much computer time. I was allowed to visit educational sites and occasionally the Disney site

65. any permanent scars? some self-harm scars. Probably the one on my right leg that I got from CO parks and wildlife. I stepped on a barbed wire fence that had been plastered to the ground, but the metal sprang up when I stepped on it and ripped through my skin

66. favorite flower(s)? Plumerias

67. good luck charms? I’m not sure if I have any. 

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? earthworm flavor from Bertie Bott’s every flavor beans

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? uh...Something about not being able to spray silly string on Halloween in Hollywood

70. left or right handed? Right handed

71. least favorite pattern? wtf

72. worst subject? anything math related, I really struggled in GIS.

73. favorite weird flavor combo? I...have no idea

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 2. I’m a baby

75. when did you lose your first tooth? I was 6

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? chips and fries

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? a succulent

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? sushi from a grocery store, the quality can surprise you

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? Both are terrible

80. earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? I hate bugs

82. pc or console? PC

83. writing or drawing? Writing, I’m terrible at drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio? Not into either

84. barbie or polly pocket? I had both

85. fairy tales or mythology? God!!!! Like hearing about both but mythology I guess

86. cookies or cupcakes? Cookies

87. your greatest fear? Being forgotten. I also have a terrible, horrible fear of drowning

88. your greatest wish? In the times I’ve struggled I often find myself wishing for peace. Not only for myself, but for others to easily feel peace with everyone else

89. who would you put before everyone else? Sierra

90. luckiest mistake? Mistake? There’s been lucky accidents but I don’t think any of my mistakes have been lucky

91. boxes or bags? It depends on what I’m packing and where I’m going

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? Sunlight

93. nicknames? T, Tear, Tear-tear, T-Dog, Miss T..a few of my recent favorites from soccer: Ronaldinha and Thierry Chun

94. favorite season? Fall! Shit, especially in New England

95. favorite app on your phone? I don’t know

96. desktop background? A picture of a simple dock leading out to sea

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? My parents’ and brother’s

98. favorite historical era? Victorian era, for sure

[wildfangz]

@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want. 

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’.  i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust. 

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me 

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway 

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway! 

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

21

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

[tomhtrash-blog]

Wrong Number(Tom Hiddleston): August Year One

You can find this on Archive, I’m just posting it here as well. 

Series Masterlist

20 August

Unknown number 9:26 : Hey, Benny! Just checking to see if this is actually your new number, I’m not quite sure I heard you correctly when you told me -Tom  

Unknown number 9:32: I’m afraid you have the wrong number, Tom. No Benny here, just little old me.

Tom 9:33: My apologies, I hope this wasn’t too much of a bother.

Unknown number 9:35: No harm done, don’t worry about it. Honestly receiving a notification brought a smile to my face.

Tom 9:36: Well I am glad I could make you smile, but may I ask why a simple notification was able to?

Unknown number 9:36: In my life there really aren’t a lot of things that bring a smile to my face, so I try to enjoy the little things

Tom 9:37: Everyone deserves things to smile about, and I’ll bet that there are loads of things in your life to smile about.

Unknown number 9:42: You’re only saying that because you don’t know me

Tom 9:45: Then let’s change that, tell me a little about yourself.

Unknown number 9:47: Hmmm…. How about for everything about myself that I tell you, you in turn tell me something about you?

Tom 9:48: That sounds like a plan, let’s start with your name

Unknown number 9:48: Sarah. Now, seeing that I already know your name Tom, how old are you? I’m 22.

Tom 9:49: You’re making me feel old, Sarah, I’m 36. Tell me something about you that not many people know

Sarah 9:52: Ooh, that’s a tough one. Alright, but it’s kind of embarrassing, so promise me you won’t judge me?

Tom 9:54: I promise, and I’ll even share something equally embarrassing to even things out

Sarah 9:54: *deep breath* *sigh* Okay. A few years ago, a friend and I went to see a movie, and on our walk home we ran into one of the actors, only to completely and unrecoverably ruin my only chance at a first impression. We were walking around a corner as I was loudly fangirling over one of the actors, saying how I wanted to jump his bones and things like that, and I walked right into the said actor. With my dumb luck, it happened to be one of the few times when he was actually in London.

Tom 9:56: You live in London? Or were you just visiting?

Sarah 10:03: I live in London, have since I was sixteen. Where are you from?

Tom 10:16: Lived here my entire life, darling. Grew up just shy of the city, may I ask where you lived before London?

Sarah 10:17 : Iowa, midwestern United States. The weather there was insane, we’d have negative forties in the winter to over one hundred every summer. We once had snow in September and that very next January we had days in the upper seventies. The state is pretty much known for corn and hogs, and we have the second largest state fair in the states, the fair is known for fried food on a stick. Iowa is weird.

Tom 10:18: Sounds like it, but it sounds like a blast. May I ask why you left such an interesting place like that?

Sarah 10:21: When I was fifteen my parents divorced, and they wanted me to pick sides. It was either live with mum in Montana or dad in Iowa, so I decided neither. I stayed with a friend until I had enough money saved up to by a ticket to London so I could live with my aunt and uncle.

Tom 10:25: That must have been difficult, I’m terribly sorry. My parents divorced when I was young as well, and it was immensely hard on me. What made you decide to live with your aunt and uncle? I hope you don’t mind my asking.

Sarah 10:27: I’m sorry to hear about your parents, and of course I don’t mind you asking. My aunt had always been so supportive of me and my interest in writing, and my uncle is the reason I am the musician I am today, without them I wouldn’t be me.

Tom 10:29: You’re a musician? That’s wonderful, what do you play?

Sarah 10:30: I play quite a lot of instruments, actually. Ukulele, piano, saxophone, bass guitar, guitar, and drums. I also sing and I’ve recently been writing my own music.

Tom 10:31: That’s amazing, darling! You seem like a very interesting young lady, Sarah. I’m quite glad I texted you by accident. This is turning out to be a much more interesting night than I originally intended.

Sarah 10:32: I am as well, although I wish you would tell me more about yourself, I’ve been talking about me for almost an hour.

Tom 10:34: What would you like to know darling?  

Sarah 10:35: I have an idea. Let’s keep this as anonymous as we can, not share anything that could be used to find out who the other is.

Tom 10:35: That sounds like something I can do, but may I ask why?

Sarah 10:35: Keep a little mystery between us. A friendship based solely on personality instead of things like looks, place of business, education, or wealth.

Tom 10:36: That’s a lovely idea, darling. Now, what would you like to know about me?

Sarah 10:38: How about we just ask simple questions back and forth, one of us will ask a question and provide an answer and the other will do the same and so on?

Tom 10:39: Wonderful idea, Sarah. Ask away, darling.

Sarah 10:40: Shag/marry/kill celebrity edition

Tom 10:42 : Really, that’s your first question? You are quite an interesting, and funny, character, Sarah. I guess I’d shag Scarlett Johansson, marry Elizabeth Olsen, and kill Taylor Swift. What about you, darling?

Sarah 10:45: Shag Declan Donnelly, marry Tom Hiddleston(with lots of shagging), and kill Angelina Jolie

Tom 10:48: “Lots of shagging”? Looks like Sarah has a bit of a celebrity crush.

Sarah 10:53: Everyone has a celebrity crush, it’s as simple as that. You must have one, so spill; who is it?

Tom 10:56: You already asked your question, now it’s my turn. Favorite movie?

Sarah 10:57: That’s a bit of a tough one. I’d have to say either I Saw The Light or A Hard Day’s Night. You?

Tom 11:04: I Saw The Light? Not many people enjoyed that movie, or even know of it, I must say I’m impressed, Sarah. Now, for my favorite movie I’m going to say The Jungle Book, original animated.

Sarah 11:05: I have actually never watched that before

Tom 11:05: HOW HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED THE JUNGLE BOOK?

Tom 11:05: IT IS SO AMAZING SARAH

Tom 11:05: YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT

Sarah 11:06: You make me smile, Tom. I’ll make sure I watch it sometime soon, I promise. I’m afraid this is where our conversation ends, I have to be somewhere early in the morning and I do not function well without my eight hours, so I’m going to go to sleep. I’ve had a wonderful time talking to you tonight, Tom, I hope we can talk more in the future. Goodnight.

Tom 11:08: Goodnight, darling Sarah. I’ve had a wonderful time talking to you as well, and I do not see how it will be possible for me to go without messaging you again, so do expect a text from me tomorrow morning. ;)

**************

21 August

Tom 5:37: Good morning, Sarah. I’m guessing you are still asleep, but I wanted to bid you a good day before I went on my run.

Sarah 7:18: My lord, you get up early. Are you always up before six A.M?

Tom 7:20: Not always, on weekends I usually sleep in until around seven or so. Did you sleep well?

Sarah 7:31: You call seven in the morning ‘sleeping in’? You aren’t human, Tom. Yes, I slept fairly well, I hardly tossed or turned all night.

Tom 7:32: Yes, seven in the morning for me is most definitely sleeping in, my dear. I’m glad you slept well, so did I. If I am not human, then what am I?

Sarah 7:33: I’m not sure, but you certainly aren’t of this realm. Maybe you’re from Álfheimr.

Tom 7:33: Álfheimr? I must say, Sarah, I am insulted. Are you accusing me of being a Light Elf?

Sarah 7:35: I might be. >:)

Tom 7:35: How dare you! If I am from any of the Nine Realms, I would be from Jötunheimr.

Sarah 7:37: Ah, so you’re a giant, are you?

Tom 7:38: I might be, and what realm are you from, fair maiden?

Sarah 7:42: I am no simple maiden, for I am of Vanaheimr.

Tom 7:42: A master of sorcery, are you? Or are you more inclined to the knowledge of the future?

Sarah 7:43: Do you know nothing about the tales of Vanaheimr? Vanaheimr is home of an ancient branch of gods, but that does not mean each resident is such.

Tom 7:44: I’m impressed, Sarah. How do you know so much about norse mythology?

Sarah 7:46: I’m obsessed with it, honestly. I’ve been studying it since I can remember, I fell in love with the stories of the gods of Asgard, and then when Thor came out, I was even more in love with the lore. I loved the tale “The Kidnapping of Idun”, his life is threatened unless he hands Idun over to Thiazi, only to have his life threatened by the other gods unless he returns her to Asgard. I always pictured Loki as a handsome man, tall and lanky with long black hair, and Tom Hiddleston portrayed him better than I thought possible. I still shake my head and sigh at the inaccuracies of the mythology in the movies, but they are definitely some of my favorite movies.

Tom 7:49: Wow, you really know your mythology. I would love to hear more.

Sarah 7:54: And I’d love to tell more, but I’m afraid I have to go, my class will be starting any minute. I loved chatting with you this morning, and I hope to chat with you again as soon as I can.

Tom 7:55: I’ve enjoyed chatting with you as well, darling. Have fun in class, study hard and pay attention, I hope to talk to you after. Goodbye for now, Sarah.

Sarah 7:56: Bye for now, Tom.

***********

Sarah 11:32: Out of class now, thankfully.

Tom 11:37: Thankfully? Is something the matter?

Sarah 11:39: I love my studies, but a few of my peers make me regret pursuing my musical education.

Tom 11:40: What happened, darling?

Sarah 11:42: A few men in the class are a close group of friends, always with each other and always joking, but one of them has a bit of an infatuation with me. Everyday he flirts with me every chance he has, he makes passes at least ten times a lecture, it seems as though “no” isn’t in his vocabulary. Today his friends decided to “help him get some ass”, and cornered me after the lesson ended.

Tom 11:44: I am terribly sorry, Sarah. Did they hurt you?

Sarah 11:44: No, they’re just idiotic boys. And besides, I can hold my own, they wouldn’t get the best of me in a situation like that.

Tom 11:45: Well, of course you can. I expect no less from a maiden from Vanaheimr.

Sarah 11:46: You make me smile, Tom.

Tom 11:47: Then my mission is complete, darling.

[thehiddenlawyer]

At Last-- the Light!

(This is going to be REALLY full of split personalities and slightly manic…tones so y’know, you’ve been warned. 

And everything I say below is my own life experience, and it does not claim to be objective or the truth. Just me. It’s also frantic and disjointed so forgive me. I’ll try to be more articulate later.)

You, darling Patrick, have your lizard, your cigarettes and your drink, I have my words since I don’t keep alcohol in the house and refuse to get more cigarettes.

Oh my darling man, my darling Patrick, don’t let me down. Don’t let yourself down…just hang on a bit longer. It gets better, I swear. Just hold on tight.

A few months ago when the trailers came out, the people closest to me saw what a terrifying impact the trailers by themselves had on me. With no exaggeration I tell you that I cried 48 hours straight when the trailer was released that had the bits of Some Hope in it, where he says he wants to break out into the real world. I told my sister that I had a breakdown, I told my Johnny and my other best friend that I was reacting like this, predictably I told @sobeautifullyobsessed​ (hereafter SBO) that I wasn’t handling it well at all. SBO reassured me, as she always does in her loving way. My sister and two best friends were so concerned that they were insisting that I just walk away from Patrick Melrose altogether, basically just burn the books, burn the memory of the TV shows existence, just ignore it completely.

I know a few of you lovelies here did that and I completely understand.

But there’s always been something about me that likes looking at things that terrify me. Like I’m arachnophobic and willingly walked into the tarantula exhibit at the zoo once, just to face my own terror (I didn’t last long and ran out of there hyperventilating and literally crashing into the walls). I don’t do well with crowds and always need to see my exit (massive agoraphobia that kept me away from the Infinity War premiere in LA) so a few weeks ago when I in an overcrowded pub, I kept looking behind me to feel the helplessness of being trapped.

So I refused to not watch Patrick Melrose.

Hell, I’ve been waiting for this adaptation for lifetimes it seems, so why the actual fudge would I not watch it?

And me, being me, didn’t want to admit this was happening to my therapist. I was somehow convinced that she would certify me as a loon and tell me I’m beyond help. Like I had this actual fear that my reaction to Patrick Melrose was a sign of completely mental instability, not just mental illness. I felt like if I admitted to my therapist that I cried for 48 hours straight because of that trailer, or that I consumed every atom of information about the TV adaptation that I could even though it made me physically sick to see Patrick, she was going to call the hospital and have me locked away.

I was convinced.

But I told her, because I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

And she looked at me the way all therapists look at their patients, as if they know we’re waiting for them to tell us we’re hopeless, and she asked me to articulate why I loved this character so much. I outlined it the way I have for you guys, the way I have for Mr. C. in a hapless letter I sent along for him a bit ago, and she blew me away. She told me she saw the parallels, definitely understood why I was so taken with this character and why I was reacting so…viciously to it all.

Then she asked me the most simple question—she asked “how does his story end?”

And I very clearly remember sitting in my therapist’s cramped office and weeping when I remembered At Last, weeping because I remembered the way he picked himself up, the way he shed all that darkness and embraced this new and beautiful life with his wife and children. He rendered the venom useless, he was finally victorious.

But again, me being me, and Patrick being my Patrick, I was doing a book-by-book comparison with my life. I had this running list in my head:

Book 1- Never Mind- Patrick, aged 5. It begins, he escapes into the gecko. Me, aged 5. It began, I escaped into creating characters in my head to escape.

Book 2- Bad News- Patrick, early 20’s. Addictions galore. Ishtar, early 20’s. Addictions galore.

Book 3- Some Hope- Patrick- late 20’s. Law school. Wants to stop existing and start living, tired of hating. Ishtar- late 20’s….well, I’m late 20’s right now. Law school, want to live, tired of hating.

Book 4 and Book 5— early 40’s Patrick……..But I’m still 28.

So I saw the last two books as like a prediction to how I’ll end. Slipping and sliding through sobriety, failing at being a mother and wife, at being a daughter and sister, failing at being me because I haven’t been able to let go.

In my previous post about Mother’s Milk I talked about my inability to connect to the book but the 5th resonated with me.

Mother’s Milk Patrick, I’m starting to understand, hurt me deeply. He let me down.

He was this example for me. Like I got to Some Hope and I was like “okay. Good. Good! This is REALLY good. This means I’m going to be okay. This means I’m going to live through all these memories and nightmares and all my failures.”

In the beginning of Mother’s Milk I had the sense of “okay! He’s married! He has a family! He’s having babies! Good! That means that by the time I’m his age, since everything else has held true….then I’m going to have a family of my own too.”

And then he slipped. And he broke my heart.

Darling please don’t drink, for us.

He led me down. He led me down big time, because if Patrick slipped and fell, then that was my inventible fate…Weird thinking ain’t it?

But that’s the way it is.

Don’t give up. Hold on a little longer. It gets better.

It has too.

The last book was…weird for me in A LOT of ways.

I don’t deal with death very easily or at all. I know most people don’t but…I’ll explain in a bit.

I’ve told people that I thought I could trust and gotten a horrendous response to my confession.

I’ve been obsessed with sex, understanding sex, understanding the difference between sex and intimacy in my own life, failing, and finding myself disgusted with the simplest touches.

And the tv adaptation caught something that I really appreciate—the resistance to touch. I’ve never verbally talked to anyone except my therapist about my past, I’ve mentioned it in passing to my sister and friends. But even if I’m just thinking about what happened, I can’t stand the idea of being touched. I hate being touched, I really do. If you ever meet me in real life, do not be offended that I don’t like being touched. Like, even if I’m sitting on the couch with someone I adore, and their thigh is touching mine just because we’re squished together, I will contort my body so that we’re not touching.

I can’t stand it.

And I like that the TV showed it, when he’s with Mary and telling her about his rage.

Death—

I’ve emphasized this a few times but I want to again—I have a great relationship with my parents. I don’t tell them everything but I confide most things in them. I worship the ground they walk on but they are human, and like all parents, they gave me some baggage.

As an adult, as someone both paranoid and curious about why I am the way I am, I’ve come to recognize that I had massive anxiety as a child. This anxiety in children usually manifests itself in the child’s inability to let go. I get teased, to this day, about the fact that I would cry if mom had to throw away an old pair of shoes or an old, broken tie. The concept of good-bye, of being deprived of someone/something was unbearable. I remember sitting in the spider infested attic alone in Iran one time, weeping, because I knew my parents had thrown away a pair of shoes that were completely useless. We also lived with my grandparents back then, and they were in their 80’s when I was born—beautiful, inspiring souls, I adored them. But my grandma would inadvertently say things that all the old women in my culture and most Middle Eastern cultures say, asking me what if I’d weep for her when she died, if I’d be sad. She wasn’t being malicious, she was just asking her youngest and favorite granddaughter about her reaction.

Instead of understanding from my parents, I got rolled eyes from them. They’d tuck me into bed between them, usually little spoon to mom’s big spoon, with dad’s lips pressed in a sleepy, mustachioed kiss to my forehead. They’d murmur sleepily that I shouldn’t worry about it, that I should just say my prayers, that it was all going to be okay. I’d fall asleep nestled between these two human beings that I love more than anything else, so secure in their love and comfort, and just have panic attacks about losing them someday.

Those grandparents passed away, out of my visual sight, in Iran a few years ago.

My other grandma, however, is a death that cut me very deeply.

I’ve always been this weird source of strength for my family and I have no idea why. I’m both my parents’ confidant, I always have been. If something’s bugging them, I’m the first person they turn to. So when my other grandma got extremely sick and slipped into a coma, my mom turned to me, and asked me if they should sign the DNR order.

I was 22.

I carried my family through that ordeal, making funeral arrangements…all the business of death because I didn’t want mom to go through it.

But that horrible, horrible anxiety tripled and quadrupled and I stay awake nights thinking about death. About the death of my loved ones, about death of my enemies, about my own death.

With everything happening these past few weeks, I’m going to admit that I have been suicidal in the past. When Patrick in At Last talks about being on the motorway or being in a tall building and wondering if the fall would be fatal…I’ve done that and I have bad days when I do that. It’s with…shame and terror at my own thinking that I admit the first thing I thought of when I moved to San Francisco was that I’m by the ocean, I live by a cliff, there are three bridges in my vicinity, the university is six stories tall, and even my own flat is high enough.

And the only reason I haven’t taken advantage of a tall building is I can’t do that to my mom and dad.

My best friend and I have weird sense of humor- my Jonny that I always go on about. Just like Patrick and his Johnny, we joke about death all the time. But sometimes I wonder if he realizes I’m not completely kidding…

So, I live, and I kept the promise to myself and I’ve found the light.

It flickers, but it’s there.

Just hang on darling, one more night. The sun’s going to shine again tomorrow, I promise. I swear.

Don’t give up.

So imagine my reaction when Patrick ends up in the suicide ward…There was a sense of “hmm, maybe I’m ahead of schedule?” and “shit! I’m gonna end up there too!”

As far as suicide, I’m ahead of schedule, I promise.

But how the fuck do you deal with death??? 

The Confessions

One of the most…nightmarish things I read in the book was Patrick’s confession to Eleanor that he’d been raped, and her response of “me too.”

Like what the fuck.

Christ this is gonna be a long post if I have to go into it….

I can’t forgive Eleanor, as much as I can’t ever forgive David.

Eleanor was raped and abused too, but she wasn’t a helpless 5-year-old kid.

I can’t accept any excuses for her. Patrick may have forgiven her but I really can’t.

When my need for verbal vomit and endless confessions started, I had this weird mental list of people I’d tell.

Jonny, by default. And everyone else kinda started popping up randomly, and I mean these people from my real life. My sister was a last minute surprise, so was my other best friend.

My other sister…she’s being proven a disaster…As some of you know, I’m getting a Patrick Melrose tattoo in a few weeks time and I’ve been having fun trying to figure out how I’ll justify it to people—especially my parents. But this unknowing sister of mine is going to be the one that protests the most, and I don’t know what to tell her. Do I just ask her to read the books again so I can gauge her reaction? Or do I just say “never mind” and walk away?

There are two other people that I’ve told that left me….bleeding, and so disappointed.

One is a cousin that’s more like a sister and my best friend. She’s pretty close to me in age but older. We’ve told each other pretty much everything since we were kids. We’re partners in crime. If I find a way to get into trouble, she’s always along for the ride. Everyone in the family just thinks of us as being joined at the hip. So during the verbal vomit, I went to her house because she’s a BC addict too and we used to have marathons (you’ll see in a moment why I’ve retracted from this great love of mine). She was in the kitchen, and this is a week after I started therapy, and she studies psychology by the way. We were chattering and gossiping nonstop like we always do, and I felt the words, the confession bubble through me in an unstoppable force. She would be the second person I was going to tell…and I basically just blurted it out, and told her why I was so angry when I found out they’d invited all three of my rapists to her wedding. She didn’t really say anything, just raged for a bit and we dropped the subject. When the craziness with Patrick Melrose started though, I ran to her first, and I told her that I was reacting this passionately and it was scary and could she please just listen to me.

You know what she said?

“Just stop thinking about it. Bad things happen to everyone. Just stop thinking about it.”

She shut me down, and I don’t know if she’s realized that I’ve completely shut her out too.

I share my joys with her, and she still turns to me when she needs an ear to chew but I haven’t had a real conversation with her ever since that day. I can’t trust her anymore, it still stings to get shut down like that.

I like the basic principal, I would LOVE to stop thinking about it but...it’s not that easy. 

The other disappoint was another friend, a former lover who has become a friend anyway. I emailed her my story, and she responded with an email that was more about her than me. But I forced sympathy between the lines and took it for myself, even though it wasn’t there. But she did reassure me that she would be there for me, no matter what, always and forever.

And when I couldn’t help being overcome by what has been happening as I heal…I sent her a text in a manic, panicked state, begging for a kind word, for some love, for some sympathy because I was trapped, and she was the only lifeline…

I got the most generic response from her “Oh, I’m so sorry” and that was it.

I had to shut her away too.

Hold me, love me, kiss me, hug me. never let go but darling I can’t stand your touch right now. Go away but stay…make it stop.

I have friends in this community now that I can turn to, that have made me swear to text them if I needed them and they are…beautiful, amazing life savers. And I dunno what I’d do without you guys, especially SBO and @stlgeekgirl​. Like you two? Muh fuckin’ lifesavers, straight up.

I also have my bestie. I wasn’t sure how she’d react. She teases me endlessly about my love for Cumberbatch (although her nickname for him is not at all flattering or worth repeating. She replaces the A with an I…) so I felt compelled to explain to her. Now she’s the one that I run to and she’s always there, waiting with open arms.

A few days ago (holy shit, yesterday—Friday), I woke up with a memory, that there is a picture out there of the day it started happening. I was convinced that the picture was real, taken at some family function, the day I was raped for the first time…and I found it. And I sent it to her, crying with my hands shaking and she lamented the fact that I looked distraught in the picture and my mom looked like she was trying to soothe me.

And she talked to me, and she talked me through it, and she made sure I was talked out before getting me to talk about the tattoo.

When Edward St. Aubyn talked about his mother’s reaction, and when it was brought to life on screen…I can’t begin to imagine what it was like for ESA to hear that from his mother. To have years of torture be so brazenly acknowledged and dismissed in a single breath. What happened to me wasn’t as horrendous as his experience, but I felt the pain, I’ve felt the dismissal. There’s a sense of betrayal. You can physically feel your heart breaking with disappointment.

Confession is not a light or easy thing.

I don’t skip around and just tell everyone I was raped by my cousins as a child. That’s not how it works.

When I want to tell someone about it, a family member or a friend, it’s a piece of trust in that person that is…beyond this world. It’s the hardest thing I can do. So to have that kind of reaction be your solace?

I can’t forgive ESA’s mother nor Eleanor.

 Sex—

For those who have read my writing it might come as a shock that I’m a bit of a prude in real life when it comes to sex. Well, sex with men…we’ll leave the other half unspoken of for now.

Being touched and getting touched…I can have the love of my life on top of me, telling me he wants me, that he loves me, and I’ll suddenly be frozen with fear and need him to back off and let me catch my breath. For me, for my brain, that’s how it happens.

Just imagine how terrible it is though—you crave someone’s touch, their body, the very air in their lungs, the beating of their heart in their chest, the heat of their bodies, the salt of his skin…you lay awake nights, your legs sawing beneath your blankets, imagining his breath in your ear

And when he’s actually there?

You need to push him away.

That’s me.

I’ll sit somewhere, I’ll chat up whoever (my love life is long and complicated so let’s not go into all of that right now) and I’ll imagine having sex with them with the same clarity and determination as Patrick. But when push comes to shove, I can’t handle being touched.

Will I ever tell the love of my life why I need him to physically stay away from me after months and months of separation?

I don’t know.

I’ve been on a murder mystery docuseries kick lately after filling my head with the Bar…I watched The Keepers on Netflix (Don’t watch unless you have a strong stomach!) and one of the women who was talking about her abuse was talking about how she was deprived, by her abuser, of her mother’s confidence and trust in her mother’s ability to keep her safe.

That struck me and I’ve been wrestling with it and trying to figure out if I have any blame that I might be parceling out to my parents, that they somehow let this happen.

But I can’t find it there, and for that, at least, I’m grateful.

Patrick Melrose has been a revelation.

I’ve always been really good with words and expressing myself bur he gave me a starting point, multiple starting points, to start conversations that needed to be had.

It’s the strangest feeling to be able to send someone a clip of the show and be like “I do that! I literally do that all the time. I feel like that, all the time! Remember that one time I nearly pushed so-so off the chair cuz they tried to touch me? Yeah! See?”

 But what At Last did for me was serve as a reminder that if I’m meant to parallel Patrick’s life forever, then I’ll find my peace eventually too.

One thing that REALLY struck me was an interview with Benedict Cumberbatch a few days ago where he says he hopes the show will remind people that “it’s gonna be alright, it’s gonna be ok” and started reciting the lyrics of the song “come on come on come on get through this”.

I don’t think BC knows how much that meant to me.

I hope he finds out some day.

SO GUESS WHAT

I WATCHED THE EPISODE

I WEPT

FOR TWO HOURS STRAIGHT

THEN I WENT OUT AND RAN

I HOPED IT WOULD RAIN TO HIDE MY TEARS

BUT THERE’S NO HIDING NOW BABY

THERE’S NO HIDING NOW

LIVE IN THE SUNSHINE

STEP OUT INTO IT

DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE PAST

DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARKNESS

I STAND HERE AS A REMINDER THAT IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY

THAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE OKAY

THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

I GUARANTEE IT

I’VE SEEN THE LIGHT

I’VE FELT ITS WARMTH

I’VE TASTED ITS JOY

HANG ON

IT’S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

AND WHEN THE DARKNESS GETS TOO MUCH, I’M HERE FOR YOU.

JUST LIKE MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME.

PATRICK MELROSE HAS GIVEN ME A TONGUE, A PLATFORM, A LANGUAGE, A STRENGTH TO KEEP TELLING MY STORY AND ENCOURAGING OTHERS TO SHARE THERES.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

DON’T EVER THINK YOU ARE.

I might add to this because none of this makes any goddamn sense, but you know what?

I just took a deep breath.

[ladyknight1512]

I’ve seen this 5SOS ask meme floating around a few times and I don’t do ask memes but I do love me a questionnaire so I decided to just fill it out, not that anyone else will care.

1. When did you first find out about 5sos?

The first time I remember hearing one of their songs was in 2016, but they didn’t properly come onto my radar until early 2018. I know, I know. I was super late to the party.

2. How did you find out about them?

In February/March of 2018 they were guests on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show, which I listened to because I liked the host, even though I live on literally the other side of the world. I wasn’t familiar with the band at that point, beyond Want You Back, which had been on the radio pretty much every single day, and which I actually really liked. But hearing their interview made me want to look them up and find out more about them. And now I’m here, 8 months later, filling out a 50-question ask meme because apparently I have nothing better to do with my time.

3. What was the first song you heard by them?

She Looks So Perfect, in 2016.

4. Have you ever seen them live?

Yes, in Melbourne for the Meet You There tour. They were great and I would definitely see them again.

5. Have you ever met any of them?

Nope.

6. Who was your fave when you first started to like them? Are they still your fave now?

Ashton has been my fave from the beginning, and he still is now, but I like them all for their own reasons.

7. What is your favorite 5sos song?

Ghost of You.

8. What are your favorite lyrics?

I’ve got a jet black heart and there’s a hurricane underneath it – Jet Black Heart

9. What is your favorite music video?

I don’t really watch the videos much but I think Valentine is the most creative and visually interesting.

10. What is your favorite cover?

As in, song they’ve covered? No Roots, which they did in the BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge. I made it my ringtone I love it so much. Their cover of Stay for Spotify is fantastic too, though.

11. What is your favorite album/EP?

Youngblood.

12. What is your favorite bromance?

Probably Cashton.

13. What is your favorite livestream/twitcam/keek/interview /etc?

The Zach Sang interview they did in early 2018 is probably the one I’ve watched the most. It’s actually what turned my vague interest into proper obsession.

14. What is your favorite hair color on Michael?

Most of the colours were before my time but I am partial to his galaxy hair.

15. What is your favorite thing each of them has tweeted?

I don’t have fave tweets, but Ashton’s twitter in general is just a place of positivity and love, and I appreciate that.

16. How many of their albums/EPs do you own?

I own all three albums and various songs from the EPs, but none of the EPs in full.

17. Do you have any 5sos merch?

OMG, yes. Too much, considering I’ve only been a fan for 8 months. I think I’ve got 5 t-shirts, plus one more coming, a long-sleeve, a hoodie, the signed Youngblood litho (which I framed), three other posters (one signed – also framed) and the book. Yes, I bought the book, even though it precedes my time in the fandom by about 4 years. There might be other bits and pieces that I’ve forgotten about, but you get the gist.

18. Do you have any 5sos posters on your walls?

Yes, four. See above.

19. When they come on in the car/store/etc, what do you do?

I’ve never heard them in stores, but when they come on the radio I always cheer and get stupidly excited.

20. Who in the band do you think you’re most like and why?

Probably Michael. He likes cats, he’s a gamer, he seems more introverted than the others – all things that I definitely relate to.

21. Who do you think you’d get along with the most? What about the least?

I think Michael is either the one I’d get along with the best or the least. We’d either be too similar in a good way or a bad way.

22. If you could ask them each one question right now, what would you ask?

I’d like to ask Luke if he thinks he was too young when he got into all this. Personally I think he was, and I think we’ve seen the consequences of that, but I’d like to hear his thoughts on it.

I’d probably ask Ashton what his favourite cocktail is.

I’d probably ask Michael something gaming related.

I’m not sure what I’d ask Calum. He’s always been the one I relate to the least, so he’s a bit of an enigma to me.

23. What was you first impression of each of them?

I thought they were all generally pretty funny, but I actually thought at first that Ashton and Michael didn’t like each other. I think I just got a string of interviews and appearances where Ashton was particularly talkative and Michael was particularly quiet, and there seemed to be a lack of eye contact between them. I’ve since watched all these interviews again and I definitely see them differently and I pick up on more of the subtext now, but I was kind of confused initially.

24. How do you feel about the blonde in Calum’s hair?

Again, before my time, but I’m pretty indifferent.

25. How do you feel about the length of Ashton’s hair?

I prefer it short and I love the curls, but whatever he’s happy with is fine with me.

26. If you were trapped on a deserted island and could only bring one member with you, who would it be and why?

Probably Ashton. He seems like he’s got a good head on his shoulders, so he could potentially do something about getting us off the island, but he also likes to have a good time, so I think he could make our time there enjoyable, even as I was growing more and more dehydrated and sunburnt.

27. If you could switch everyone’s instruments, who would play what?

I love Ashton on guitar. It just does something to me. Also, that video of him on guitar when they did Teenage Dream? That was so cute? He was bouncing all over the stage, having the time of his life.

As for the others: Luke on bass, Michael on drums and I guess that leaves Calum with the other guitar.

28. Which Don’t Stop superhero would you prefer to be rescued by and why?

They all look pretty horrendous, but I think I’d laugh the least if I was in a bind and Mike-Ro-Wave showed up.

29. What is one song you really want the band to do a cover of?

I’d love them to do a country song with Ash on vocals, but that’s the most I’ve thought about it.

30. If you had 48 hours with your fave what would you guys do?

Oh god, I don’t know. It would definitely involve Ash and an acoustic guitar. I think I’d really just like him to take me to all his favourite places in LA and hang out with him and listen to him talk. I reckon 48 hours with Ashton would be the most fun and exhausting and exhilarating 48 hours of my life, but I’d be up for it.

31. If your fave were to propose to you right now, would you say yes? How would you want him to do it?

Well, it would depend on if this proposal were just out of the blue or if we’d been in some kind of serious relationship first. If the latter, then yes, probably. As for how: I feel like Ashton is the kind of person who would either go really big, super over the top with a proposal, or be really, really low key and just kind of ask at home while you’re doing something really normal and boring. Either would be fine with me.

32. If you could rename the band, what would you name them?

Luke and the Penguins? That’s literally the first thing I thought of. I’ve never thought about this before in my life. Seriously, though, I like that they seem to have embraced ‘5SOS’ as an identity, rather than just an abbreviation. ‘5 Seconds of Summer’ feels very much of its time and feels out of place in the current music world. ‘5SOS’ feels more true to who they are now.

33. What is your favorite thing about each of them?

I love the tongue thing Luke does. You know what I’m talking about.

I love Ashton’s sense of humour and his passion.

I love how Calum thinks Ashton is the funniest person alive.

I love how excited Michael gets about really nerdy things.

34. If you could change one thing about each of them what would you change?

I’d change Calum’s smoking habit, because it’s unhealthy and I worry for him, but other than that I wouldn’t change anything. They are who they are because of the choices they’ve made, good and bad.

35. What 5 words would you use to describe each of them?

Ashton: funny, passionate, driven, focused, storyteller

Luke: rockstar, vulnerable, electric, dorky, angel

Michael: adorable, quiet, genuine, caring, sweet

Calum: underrated (musically), solid, reliable, thoughtful, dedicated

36. If you could be the lead role in any 5sos music video, existing or not, what song would it be for?

Maybe Talk Fast?

37. If you could steal one thing from each of them (clothes, hats, etc) what would you take?

Ashton’s leather jacket, Luke’s black boots, Calum’s green hoodie and Michael’s necklace (that really long one he always wears).

38. If you were sharing headphones with your fave what song would you put on first?

Worry ‘Bout Nothin’ by Keith Urban.

39. Would you rather meet 4/4 but never get to see them live or see them live but never get to meet any of them?

See them live but never meet them. I’ve only been to one of their shows, but it was amazing and so fun. Plus, if I met them they’d forget about me pretty quickly because they meet fans all the time. If I can’t be special enough to remember, I’d rather have the full experience of a show than a quick hug and photo.

40. Would you rather catch Luke’s guitar pick or Ashton’s drum stick?

I’m an Ashton girl so definitely the drum stick.

41. Would you rather never be able to sing one of their songs again or never watch any of their music videos again?

Never watch their music videos. I don’t watch them much anyway, and half the fun of loving a band is getting to sing along. Honestly, one of the moments I’ve ever felt most alive was singing along to Jet Black Heart with thousands of other people at the MYT show.

42. Would you rather be brought on stage for an entire song or meet only 2 of them in public?

Probably meet 2 of them in public? I think I’d feel super awkward being on stage for an entire song. Everyone would be staring! I wouldn’t know what to do with my hands! Plus Ash would be behind the drums on stage and, therefore, unreachable. At least in public I’ve got a chance for a hug.

43. Would you rather play video games with Michael or go on a road trip with Ashton?

That’s super hard, because I’m a gamer but Ash is my fave. Hmmm… Probably road trip with Ashton, because that’s not something I would normally do anyway, and there would be plenty of time for talking and rocking out to whatever playlist he loads up.

44. Would you rather have Calum give you a tattoo or Luke give you a haircut?

I have more faith in Calum’s tattooing skills than Luke’s haircutting skills, so let’s go with the tattoo.

45. Would you rather date your fave but have the others dislike you or be friends with all of them but not be able to date/hookup with/kiss any of them?

Be friends with all of them. Definitely. I’m not sure dating them would be much fun anyway, in reality. They’d always be gone or going away. And they just seem like the kind of people you would want to be friends with.

46. Would you rather sing a duet with Luke or write a song with Calum?

Sing with Luke. More fun. Plus I’m already getting that tattoo from Calum.

47. Would you rather go to the fair with Malum or go stargazing with Lashton?

Stargazing with Lashton.

48. Would you rather touch Calum’s butt or Ashton’s biceps?

Ashton’s biceps. I am a girl who loves a nice set of arms, and Ashton’s are very nice.

49. Would you rather get high with Michael or drunk with Calum?

Drunk with Calum, but only because I’m not into taking drugs.

50. Would you rather have Luke give you his 'You Complete Mess' shirt or have Michael give you his denim jacket?

Michael’s denim jacket.

[stupidpianist]

27 october 2018

10:00: Shut off alarm, hit snooze. I set my phone’s snooze to ten minutes, I should probably lower it to five because of the frequency with which I “snooze”...

10:10: Shut off alarm again, put it to snooze.

10:20: Turned off all alarms until alarms at 11h. Got up and chugged giant glass of water from Brita.

10:21: Back in bed. Trying to sleep more, not ready to “start the day” yet.

10:40: Woke up from strange nightmare in which the world was experiencing an apocalypse, hard to remember exact details, remember being on an ark-like massive boat, trying to escape from some kind of antagonistic war force? Remember there being a corrupt leader. Almost 99% of my dreams are about banal things, like, literally Googling things and reading Wikipedia, the other 1% are always really dangerous apocalyptic or life-threatening situations in which I’m trying to save as many people as possible.

11:00: Shut off alarm, turned over to right side, went into “fetal position,” thought, “wow, this is comfortable, wow, this is so comfortable.”

11:30: Woke from another weird dream, dreamt that I was seeing the band Ghost perform in Montreal, only, the crowd was really diminutive, and most of the people in the audience were inexplicably not paying attention to the show at all. I was able to go right up to the stage. They played a few songs. I woke up. Weird. Going to get up now and clean my bathroom, it needs a “thorough scrubbing.”

11:31: Chugged another massive glass of water from Brita. So satisfying, one of the most satisfying things, waking, feeling dehydrated, taking glasses of water “to the face.” Mm. Yum.

11:32: Cleaning bathroom. Have probably super-harmful-to-environment chemical thing that is used to scrub porcelain surfaces. Have my “trusty,” “handy dandy” cleaning sponge. Have paper towels. First scrubbing tub, it’s gotten so grimy, wow… I remember when I used to work in a local ice cream parlor in my town, and one of my favourite things to do would be to mop the floors. The other employees and managers found this really weird, always said, like, “nobody wants to mop the floors,” but I always explained that it was one of the few activities that you could see the 1:1 results of your efforts immediately after doing it, and so I found it really really satisfying. Feeling the same way right now, scrubbing the tub, seeing all the muck and filth wash away with every little sponge motion.

Moving onto the sink now, first have to clear everything off of it. Electric toothbrush, check. Plastic comb, check. Gatsby hair product thing, check (when Phoebe came to use my wifi she was like, “of course you use Gatsby,” and I thought “oh crap, I’ve been ‘caught,’ I’ve been ‘pigeonholed’”). Toothpaste, check. Razor, check. Scrubbing sink now, scrubbing hard, scrubbing efficiently. This chemical stuff really “works wonders,” there must be some seriously bad stuff in here… Should I be using gloves? I don’t have sensitive skin, I’ve never really had problems with… With chemicals and my hands? I don’t know, seems like I should be using gloves right now.

11:43: Okay, deep-clean scrub finished, going to shower now, been looking forward to showering since last night. Don’t know why, I shower every day? I don’t know, maybe it’s from excitement that I’m, like, “preparing for the night,” going to meet up with person I met for drinks with a few nights ago this evening, extremely excited to do this, so, like, the shower is, like, propelling me into the day? Which gets me closer to the evening? I don’t know I DON’T KNOW I’m just trying to say I’m really hyped for this shower, okay? Going to put on some sweetass shower music. I got the best shower tunes, hit me up if you want the “sickest, dopest” shower playlists. I can curate them to your specific genre or BPM preferences. Just let me know, “drop me a line.”

11:48: Putting on clothes now. Going to “throw on” my “edgy pants,” and a thermal top, and “FUNERAL” hoodie, and Walnut Hill jacket. “Standard attire,” heheh. Wondering if I should also wear my raincoat? It’s supposed to rain steadily this evening, but I don’t want to be, like, sweating… I also don’t really mind the rain, it’s just water, it’s really not that big of a deal, it’s just like, you’re wet, so what? I’ll just bring my super crappy umbrella with me, that should be enough to mitigate any “water damage” my body could take. Read in Disaster Artist yesterday that Tommy had a daily routine of drinking five Red Bulls. Reminds me of me in middle school. “Fiending for” a Red Bull today, really “jonesing” for one, going to put some change in my pocket and grab one from a dep on my way to school.

12:00: Backpack: PACKED. Wallet: IN POCKET. Keys? I GOT THOSE TOO, BABY. Going to head to school and update this liveblog, and then practice piano for however many hours my brain lets me. Not sure what kind of “piano vibes” I’m getting today, but I hope it’ll be good?? Have also been putting off listening to Daniil Trifonov’s newest album, it’s Rachmaninov’s second and fourth concerti, and some Bach transcriptions. I really don’t like the fourth concerto, and I only sometimes like the second, even though I was super obsessed with it when I was younger, in my early-and-mid teens. Remember texting one of my friends, someone I feel more fondly towards than almost any of my friends, Alex, how long it took him to learn the first movement of the second concerto, just as a baseline so I could compare my own timeline and see if I was “on par” with how good at learning new pieces I wanted to be, and he told me he learned it in something ridiculous like one afternoon. He’s one of the most self-determined people I’ve ever met, maybe the most self-determined, miss him a lot. Should send him a message, why haven’t I done that...

Sorry sorry yeah so I’m going to take some time too and listen to the album in the practice rooms. Will probably/inevitably give me more practicing motivation. I am a huge fan of Trifonov. Will let you people know how the album is.

16:25: Packing up my piano books. Hey hey hey! Hi hi hi! What’s up YouTube!! If you’re wondering how the practicing went, it was… Satisfactory. I started warming up with some Schubert, his last sonata, and promptly started like sobbing uncontrollably. Can never seem to make it more than a few pages in before this always happens. Played through the first movement and second movement, no repeat in the first just to “save time” as I intended it to be a warm up, and created a pretty substantial pool of tears on the practice room floor by the time I was done. How the heck does anyone practice pieces like this without becoming a giant mess of tears?? Dissociate? I don’t know.

Felt really really good to play through it, though; one of my favourite pieces that I love the more and more I work on it. I thought I sounded really good in the Schubert, so I moved to Alkan, which was substantially worse. Felt like I had really heavy brain fog, like, a dense miasma of brain fog. Was able to play, but felt distinct disconnection between what my hands were doing, and what my head was thinking. I really hate that sensation, when you don’t feel in control of what you’re playing, so I switched to Thalberg, which was a bit better, but really just felt off. Played it through and did a little passage work before turning to Beethoven, opus 110, another one of my favourite sonatas, and my favourite Beethoven sonata by a long shot. After working on this pretty intensely I was like, okay, so you practiced for an okay amount of time, four hours or so, and even though you didn’t sound good, or feel good, you still did work, and you still put in effort.

Haven’t gotten groceries in a long time, going to head to Provigo to get supplies for massive Greek salad and pasta, here’s what I’m gonna get:

-bell peppers

-cherry tomatoes

-english cucumber

-lemon

-kalamata olives

-dill (maybe, if i want to “splurge”)

-red onion

-feta cheesee

-pasta sauce (i’m lazy i don’t wanna make it myself don’t judge me okay)

-mushrooms

Have the rest of the ingredients like dry pasta and stuff for Greek salad dressing at home. Gonna try and “beat the rain,” too.

16:45: Success in the grocery store. Also ended up buying a large scented candle as a bit of an impulse purchase; I really like things that create pleasant/comfy/cozy scents, and my Airwick thing I plug into my wall ran out of oil, and I don’t have any more incense, so I was like, “yeah, my mom loves scented candles, I love scented candles, let’s get a scented candle, yes.” Chose “Cashmere Woods” scent. It’s brownish in colour. Hope it smells as good as the name implies, one can never tell just by pure sniffing of the unmelted wax… Very… distrustful… Oh, oh! Also got bananas. Need some breakfast food that I can take and run out of the door.

16:56: Home. Going to unpack groceries and then read more of the Disaster Artist in bed, I think. Will also catch up on some YouTube tech videos. Feeling like a real nerd right now.

16:59: Got a Facebook message from the person I’m seeing again tonight!!! Okay so we’re going to meet at 22h, that gives me enough time to be productive before then, getting really cozy in bed, “settling in” for a nice read. Heheh. Ho ho ho. Something about “hehe” is just so funny to me, I still can’t place why, can any of you help explain it to me?

18:13: Got through a whole slew of tech videos, a whole mess of tech videos. Was just starting to read Disaster Artist when I heard the notification sound from my speakers hooked up to my laptop on my esk that notifies me when my younger brother signs into Overwatch. “Chatted him up” and he said he could play A FEW ROUNDS. MULTIPLE. Do you people realize how huge this is?! Usually he just has time for one! Maybe it’s because he has a long weekend? Monday for him is a teacher’s day or something, so he gets it off. Either way, here we go!!!!

19:37: Wow those were some INTENSE games. Played tank for some of it, then DPS for most of it. Haven’t actually played Tracer in so long, I used to main her so hard. Still my favourite champion to play alongside Junkrat. We played pretty well, won most of our rounds, wow, my adrenaline is so pumped up from that, can’t believe it’s been over an hour?! Holy heck that flew by. Brother going to eat dinner now, recommended that I make greek salad. Will probably do that, or maybe go for a run?? I don’t know, I’ve been so physically inactive the past week, I feel like a slug, I should at least do SOMETHING.

20:08: Yeah my adrenaline is pumping way too hard. This always happens, as a kid even if I was just having a “playdate” with a friend, I would get so so so, uh, not anxious, but like overly excited? Manic? That I literally couldn’t focus on anything or sit still, so I’d just run around doing menial activities while sweating through my palms profusely and just feeling a huge tightness in my chest. This still happens to me, but not as strongly, I think?? Unless I’m super excited to see someone, which I am tonight?? I need to “burn off some steam,” think I’m going to go on an intense bike ride, okay, see you guys soon, yes yes YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

20:13: CHRIST ON A CRACKER I forgot it’s raining now!!! OH NO HOW AM I GONNA crap crap I don’t have a flipping fender for my bike so if I go biking I’m gonna get soaked crap crap crap maybe I’ll just take a walk and blast music?? Yeah that’s feasible, won’t get too “wet” from that it’s gonna be great, I’ll do that, okay!!!! Just “thinking out loud,” here, folks, move along, nothing to see here, nothing at all.

20:41: Back from walk. Was really nice, rocked out to some Ghost (Rats, Con Clavi Con Dio, Cirice, Faith, in that order, I think?) and just chose some side streets off of Saint Laurent. Picked up a “quille” of 10.1% Labatt that the person mentioned wanting to get after she taught me the Quebec slang for those 1.17L, or 40oz dirt cheap big bottles of beer. Can’t call them 40s here, different system of measurement, can now call them quille. Seems astounding it took me this long to learn the term for it. Also got some Unibroue beers to “balance out” the pond scum that is 10.1 Labatt, even though it seems like my best friends here and I all concur that 10.1 Labatt is strangely delicious? Like we’d voluntarily, and do voluntarily drink it. Ooh, and some Powerade, lemon-lime flavour, my favourite. I’ve always preferred Powerade to Gatorade in terms of taste for as long as I can remember. You may be asking, “George, that’s a lot of liquids, why did you even get the Powerade, that’s just sugar water.” You’re right, but I just got my pay stubs from the last two weeks so I know how much I made so I was like, “you can go crazy, it’s the weekend before Halloween, do it, loser.” And you know what??? I DID IT. Going to eat a turkey sandwich now. Internal monologue repeating, “a nicely stocked fridge means a nicely stocked mind.” Hehe. Eheheheh.

[randomchick29]

50 Facts About Me (THANK YOU FOR 50 FOLLOWS!)

So... as promised in this post, I’m doing 50 facts about me because 50?! people followed me and my crazy masa obsessed cat mom ass. Thanks for enjoying my messed up commentary/rambles! Great, now I’m starting to sound like a youtuber that just wants money lmao sorry. Enough mushy stuff, and onto ze list!

Possible trigger warning: I’ll try to keep this as positive as I can, but there may be some things that can trigger some people (including but not limited to mental health, abuse/bullying, eating disorders etc.) If you are not comfortable with those topics, don’t read this.

1. My real name is Robin (middle name starts with Y and my last name starts with G)

2. I live in AZ

3. I LOVE FOOD. Part of the reason why I love masa and luka tbh... But seriously, food is great.

4. My fav foods are crab, ham, and burgers. See why I can’t become vegetarian 😂

5. I HATE onions with a passion.

6. My fav animals are owls, cats, hedgehogs, snakes, and whale sharks.

7. I have two dogs and used to have a cat (extremely long story short: My cat is in the “care” of an abusive psycho that isn’t allowed near me so I can’t see her ever again :/ but my sisters can) I still love Lucky (my cat) to death. She’s a sweet kitty (most of the time) and I miss her so much ❤️

8. My dogs are named Tucker and Bella. They’re both miniature schnauzers and they’re crazy. Tucker is a sweetheart, but he DOESNT. STOP. BARKING. He has a bit of a jealousy issue. When Bella gets attention, he starts barking and/or pushes her away from the human 😂 He hates when his people hug. He will jump on them and bark and growl. He also has stuffed animals that he LOVES. He uses them as pillows and carries them around. Bella is a lazy piggy ass. All she does is sleep and eat (like me haha). Half the time she’s too lazy to get up and go outside, and only responds when there’s food (once again, just like me 😅) They absolutely love each other though. Tucker licks her and grooms her and Bella follows him around and it’s just the cutest thing.

9. My lucky number is 9 because my birthday is 9/29 and my adoption day is 9/9 (see what I did there hehe get it? fact 9 is about my lucky number 9? no? okay...)

10. I’m adopted from an orphanage in (Eastern?) China

11. I have 2 sisters. They’re both in college but everyone who sees us on the street thinks I’m the oldest because I’m taller and curvier. One is 21 (but everyone thinks she’s like 16) and the other is 19 (people think she’s like 10 😂) No, none of us are blood related.

12. I’m 5’ nothing...

13. I’ve always been heavy for my height and age. I was and still am judged because of how much I eat and weigh. Because of this, I had an eating disorder in 4th grade and have always hated myself and envied my sisters for their tiny asian bodies.

14. I used to do tennis, dance, and swimming. I haven’t done any sports since then.

15. I can play 3 instruments, and tried many others. I played piano for 10 years, violin for 2, and French horn for 6 months.

16. I am EXTREMELY double jointed in my fingers

17. I have a fused tooth

18. My fingers bend back at the first knuckle way farther than most people’s

19. My hair is REALLY long and grows really fast. It goes to around my hip/tailbone area as of now.

20. My shoe size is a 7

21. My fav colors are red and green

22. My first fictional crush was Link. I was 8 at the time. We’re still going strong 7 years later.

23. Only a few months ago did someone top (wink wonk) Link: MASAAAA

24. My first otome was Shall We Date? Love Tangle after I saw an ad for it on trivia crack. My first route was Ryan. My fav is Nolan.

25. I still love MM, but I don’t have the time OR space on my phone to play (SORRY ZENNY)

26. I got in huge trouble when I was 10 coz I made a bunch of accounts that my mom didn’t approve of. I made an email, twitter, pottermore, quizilla (I miss that site smh), etc. And I did it MULTIPLE times. After she took the computer from me, she found out my DS had internet too. I didn’t have my DS for a long time. She would give it back after a while, and ID GO ONTO THE INTERNET AND YOUTUBE EVERY. DAMN. TIME. I got my DS back on Christmas in 7th grade coz I got games for it and she trusted me enough (and I had a phone by then so yay trust...?)

27. ...the twitter accounts still exist... I’ve looked back at them and I wanna kms holy crap it was bad. Lesson: 10 year olds shouldn’t be on twitter.

28. I love Harry Potter and The Inheritance Cycle (Eragon series). My fav HP book is Order of the Phoenix, and my fav IC book is Eldest.

29. My fav Zelda is a tie between Skyward Sword and Wind Waker

30. My fav Pokémon are Garchomp, Shaymin, and Breloom

31. We used to have so many games and systems. We had like 100-200 games, 2 gamecubes, 3 GBA’s, 4 DS’, 2 wii’s, and prob more 😂 We got only $150 from gamestop.

32. My fav youtubers are Chuggaaconroy, Rachel & Jun, and Glam & Gore.

33. I learned about sex through fanfiction (specifically, The Lemon of Zelda (pretty sure it’s been deleted tho coz I can’t find it))😂 I never got The Talk.

34. I may have looked at yaoi at school before...

35. I’m pansexual

36. Biggest turnoffs are arrogance, possessiveness, and bad hygiene.

37. Biggest turn ons are good chesticles and sense of humor.

38. I’ve had ONE bf and I dumped him after a day coz he wouldn’t stop calling me and I was scared of my mom. The thing is, we both liked each other for a LONG time and to my friend I was like “Yo ask who he likes” coz he was acting all sus and SHE TOLD HIM I TOLD HER TO ASK HIM and he’s like YA I LIKE ROBIN and I’m like WTF IS WRONG W YOU to my friend. Then he told me in class and it was really cute and I accepted. Then broke up w him OVER TEXT not even 24 hours later 😂 Dumb 7th grade ass

39. I’ve always been bullied because of how awkward and weird and annoying I am

40. My fav anime is Ouran

41. The only thing keeping me alive in freshman year (this past school year) was otome. Specifically Masa. My mind: What would Masa do without his kitten? Who would he chase through Azuchi? Who would be the pretty pillow/futon when he’s drunk? Damn, I love this man agh

42. I can reach my back much better than most people. I don’t need a back scratcher because I can reach my whole back.

43. I’m obsessed with makeup and nails, and used to love music, reading, and art.

44. My real baes are Huang Jing Xiang (fellow Chinese SPOTTED!) and Kato Kazuki

45. I sweat A LOT. I have to have a STRONG fan coz ac isn’t enough to keep me from sweating too much. And I live in AZ, so it’s even worse...

46. I still sleep with my baby blanket. I put it over my pillow coz it’s so soft (and I don’t have any other blankets)

47. My fav movie is Heathers (WELL FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW)

48. I have HORRIBLE eyesight but I don’t like wearing my glasses coz the arms give me a headache and I don’t like them period

49. I love bad puns too much (I would make one here, but I don’t wanna be PUNished) 😂

50. I’ve gotten caught drawing... and writing... some NSFW things at bad times...

AAAAND DAS IT! Sorry it was more negative than I thought it would be, but I’m a really boring person with a boring life filled with drama and... That makes no sense does it. A boring life doesn’t have drama... I’m dumb. Should’ve stopped at DASSIT. Ok, I’m actually stopping lmao baiii 😊