#it is ok. tomorrow i will wake up and eat a good breakfast and try again even if it is hard n sucky n stupid

[hoasvuon]

(12:31 AM)

jeonghan never used to understand why anyone would want to leave the house after 11 pm. after all, his days were so long and all he wanted to do after work was lay down, drown himself under a pile of blankets, and go straight to bed.

plus, eating so late at night meant his body would have to spend even more time to digest the food late at night, and he would have to wake up bloated and still half full. which meant that often times, he would skip dinner, opting simply to crawl into his bed and rot away until the next day. i'll just deal with it tomorrow by eating extra well at breakfast and lunch, he'd always tell himself.

that is, before he met you.

now his nights were filled of random adventures, running with you to the local convenience store to grab kimbap and ice cream, or to the stand down the street that sold udon noodles at nearly all hours (hannie try some it's so good!).

and tonight was one of those lucky nights. around 12 am, jeonghan woke up to you softly tugging on his sleeve. still half asleep, he simply pulled you in closer and tucked your head into his chest before kissing the top of your head.

"what's wrong baby", he mumured, lips still planted on your head.

"hannie ... on a scale of 1 to 10 ... how mad would you be if i told you i wanted kbbq" you whispered.

finally opening his eyes, he saw you staring up at him, eyes wide with a small, hopeful smile on your face.

"negative 1, you know i'm always down for whatever you want" he replied.

you shot up in bed, clapping your hands quietly. "oh i'm so excited! i was worried you'd be mad, or worse, not want to go! ok let me grab my hoodie and we can go, ok?" you said hurriedly.

jeonghan looked at you from the bed as you flurried around the room to find a hoodie to take, smiling fondly. after all, he could never get mad at you for anything, especially not for your random late night food cravings.

tonight you wanted korean barbecue. that meant he could sit flush next to you, blaming his clinginess on the fact that it was so late and he was still sleepy. you'd definitely feed him, feeling guilty for dragging him out of bed. and then he could leave soft kisses on your cheeks as 'thank you's when you remembered to order some fried rice at the end, his favorite.

and no matter how many times you would apologize as you walked back home, clock striking nearly two or three in the morning, all he could see is your face, lit up in front of him and he'd tell himself he would do it all over again just to see you smile. especially when that meant he was able to see you in his hoodie (you always seemed to "not be able" to find yours in time to leave), head burrowed into his side as pulled the covers over the both of you, eyes twinkling at him, murmuring soft praises that he 'finally ate well for once'. plus, in the middle of the night, it meant that he could hold you extra. tight against his body, excusing it to the fact that his body hadn't yet adjusted from the cold temperature outside.

"i love you" you'd say softly, before falling asleep.

i love you too

[annwrites]

exactly what he needs, pt. 2 ♡ ⋆｡˚

— pairing: nate jacobs x fem!reader

— type: part of a series

— summary: you & nate hang out in your room (after he snoops through it right in front of you), then ask each other questions, & he dresses & does your hair before you head out to spend the evening together.

— tags: conversing, getting to know one another

— tw: sexualization, lying (nate manipulating the truth), dollification

— word count: 6.2k

— a/n: I edited this numerous times, but fucked myself over by writing part 1 in present-tense to begin with, which I'm not always great at. So, if I messed up the tenses anywhere, please ignore it. Going forward, I'll probably be publishing further installments in past-tense.

Next post will be reader & Nate going shopping & having dinner!

The next morning when you wake, it only takes a few minutes for you to remember that Nate will be there in a little less than an hour, and the nerves immediately set in.

Surely people will see you getting out of his truck. What will they think?

You shake your head. It doesn't matter. Not really, anyway. You don't much care what any one person of the student population thinks of you.

You know high school is just a blip—a very brief moment in time, where it seems like every little thing you experience can be the end of the world, but it's really all just the beginning.

People will think whatever they like. It's not your job to try and change their minds. Not that trying to do as much would work anyway.

Once you've quickly showered, dressed, pulled your hair into a high ponytail to keep it out of your way, and eaten breakfast, you don't even have time to wait by the door as Nate's truck pulls up. You quickly pull on a pair of boots and step outside, locking the door behind you.

When you look up, your stomach does a flip when you see Nate holding the passenger-side door open for you.

You walk over to him. "You don't have to get my door for me, you know."

He shrugs, taking your backpack from you, setting it in the backseat with his. "I want to."

You tell him thank you as you climb inside and he shuts the door behind you.

Once you're on the road, he's the first to break the silence. "You can listen to whatever you want on the radio."

In truth, it's a bit too early for music for you. "I'm ok."

"Did you eat already?"

You nod. "I had a bowl of cereal."

He gives a slight frown. Not a very healthy start to your day. Something full of sugar.

"Do you want me to pick you up something on the way?"

Your eyes go wide. "Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you, though. It's nice of you to offer."

He decides tomorrow he's bringing you breakfast, and he won't be asking for permission beforehand.

You're both silent again for a moment and the truck slows as he pulls up to a red light. He briefly wonders if you know how to drive. If not, he'd be a more than willing teacher.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you something personal. If you do, just tell me to fuck off and you don't have to answer."

You look at him. "Ok..."

The light turns green and the truck picks up speed again. "I noticed neither of your parents were home yesterday. Were they both at work?"

You grow quiet for a moment, a pregnant pause settling between the two of you as you look out the window at the passing houses.

"My dad was...is. He travels a lot for work, so he's not home much."

He nods, deeming it good news, at least for him. "And your mom?"

You're quiet for even longer this time. Then, "I've never met her."

Minus Lexi, you've already divulged more to him in that short sentence than you have to anyone else at East Highland.

"I'm sorry to hear that." He's not sure that he means it. He despises both of his parents and, if anything, in this moment, is envious of you, due to your lack of relationship with both of yours.

You shrug. "It's fine."

He wants more than just 'it's fine'. He wants to know more, as it's clear it's something which bothers you. He wants you to give him emotional vulnerability for just a moment. Something he can use in the future to work his way in closer to you.

"Do you know anything about her?"

You shake your head. "My dad refuses to talk about her. After a few fights when I was younger where I tried to get him to, I gave up. It's probably for the best. She made her choice, and I think me knowing anything about her would just make things...more difficult. My life, I mean."

Even if you still felt like you were chasing shadows sometimes.

He nods. If nothing else, it's one less person he'll have to go through to be with you. Two less, from the sound of things.

Finally, he turns into the school parking lot, taking his usual spot and he shuts the truck off.

"I'll get your door for you," he states before getting out.

You unbuckle yourself, not sure what to think of his insistence with the whole door thing. It just doesn't seem to be something men much concern themselves with anymore—getting a girl's door for her—at least not teenage boys, that is. But perhaps he's different. Maybe it's just the way he was raised.

Nate opens your door and grabs his backpack, sliding it over his shoulders, then grabbing yours as well.

You get out and go to take it from him, but he continues holding it.

"Turn around."

Your brows furrow for a moment, but do as he's asked. You quickly realize what he's doing and adjust your arms as he slides your bag onto your back. He's really going the extra mile to be a gentleman, you think.

Once the truck's doors are closed and he's locked the vehicle, he places his hand against the small of your back as you walk into school together.

You look perfectly calm on the outside, but on the inside, your anxiety levels are rising with each pair of eyes turning your and Nate's way.

When you spot Lexi, the look on her face is nothing short of bewildered. Next to her sits Cassie, who's fuming.

You're torn away from looking in their direction by Nate coming to stand in front of you. "See you in third period."

You nod and give him a small smile, going to sit with Lexi, despite Cassie giving you that same glare from yesterday. A worse one, really.

"What the hell was that?" Lexi asks, her tone full of concern as you sit down beside her, setting your bag on the table.

"Nothing. He just drove me to school, that's all."

"And home," Cassie says, voice full of malice.

Lexi looks from her sister, then back to you. "The two of you are not hooking up."

You flush. "No. He just gave me a ride, that's all."

"Ok, but why would he do that? The two of you never talk. You're not even friends."

You do your best to ignore Cassie's unsettling stare.

"I'm just—" You immediately shut your mouth. You should've thought further ahead, should've thought about what excuse you would give people when they inevitably ask why the two of you are hanging out all of a sudden.

Nate asked you to keep it a secret and you aren't about to betray his confidence. If you do, you're sure he'll fail and never bother asking for help again.

"Just what?" Lexi prods.

"We're just hanging out. It's not a big deal. I promise."

Suddenly, Cassie stands, angrily grabbing her bag, jerking it off the table and storming away.

Lexi rolls her eyes. "Just ignore her. I don't know why she's still hung up on him, anyway. He treated her like crap." She shifts in her seat, facing fully toward you now. "What I can believe even less, however, is the fact you're giving him the time of day. He's an asshole. He was abusive toward Maddy and wanted to keep screwing Cassie so long as she kept it a secret. He uses people, Y/N."

Abusive? You knew he and Maddy had argued quite a bit, but nothing that severe.

"What do you mean by abusive?"

She shrugs. "I don't know much, since she and Cassie obviously aren't friends anymore. But I know a good portion of it, at least, was emotional. Maybe verbal, too. Then again, I don't think she was any better." Lexi glances behind you, and you don't dare turn around, now worried the subject of your conversation is who she's looking at. "She gives as good as she gets."

Once the school day is over and you go to drop off your books at your locker, you find Nate leaning up against it.

He smiles when he sees you and you give him a shy smile in return.

You put your things away, then look to Nate.

In truth, what Lexi told you had gotten to you a bit. You try to tell yourself that it's all nothing more than hearsay, and you're only tutoring—not dating him—so whatever had occurred between he and Maddy and Cassie is none of your concern.

"You ready?"

You nod, and, just like this morning, he places his hand firmly against your back.

Once you're in his truck, you notice Maddy staring at you today, just a few cars away. She and Kat are both looking in your direction, Maddy clearly getting worked up and Kat obviously trying to calm her down, and your eyes widen when she begins heading in Nate's direction.

Before she can reach him, however, he gets in the truck and pulls out of the lot, leaving her standing there, staring after the two of you.

You're glad whatever was about to happen has just been avoided.

Over the next week, you and Nate go to your house every day after school to study. You gradually get to know more about one another, like you learning he has a brother—which you'd somehow managed to forget over the years—and he tells you how passionate he is about personal fitness, something to which you don't much relate.

It'd been abundantly clear since day one that he dislikes his father. But that dislike—even if he talks about him very little—clearly, somewhere along the way, became loathing. It's all in the tone he uses, the language he uses when he's brought up.

But the thing that always seems to calm him—make him happier—is talking about you.

He asks you every question in the book: favorite food, color, flower, song, type of music, art, what you want to be when you graduate, the kind of house you want to live in. The list is endless.

And then the day came when he asked to see your room, with you standing awkwardly in the doorway as he surveys every inch.

He starts with your bed, your fluffy white comforter with small pink flowers printed across it, and your plethora of pillows. And then he notices the small brown teddy bear leaned back against said pillows. He briefly picks it up, smirking to himself, then looking at you.

“Do you sleep with this?”

Your face goes blood-red. “Y-yes.”

He studies it for a moment longer, making a mental note to one day buy you one himself, wanting you to sleep with one that’s come from him instead.

In truth, while you think about you sleeping with a stuffed animal as embarrassing—at least for another person to now know about—it’s a major fucking turn-on for him. You’re that innocent that you still sleep with a teddy.

He sets it back down, throwing a “that’s very sweet” your way before moving on to your bookshelves.

Not that he’s read or heard of the grand majority of the novels you have, he can tell by the titles and covers alone that they’re all either romance or fantasy. He supposes he understands that: you trying to escape through stories. Stories where you can go somewhere else, be someone else. Have a new family, new friends.

And then he thinks it incredibly sad—just how lonely you are.

It’s not like he isn’t already aware of it, because he is—has became more and more so as the last week has gone on. Everyday he’s come to your house it’s been empty. But to see your shelves crammed full of books—your one attempt at escaping into a better life—he vows in that moment to start working faster at bringing the two of you together into a relationship.

You need him.

You like stories about princesses trapped in towers and white knights coming to save them? Then that’s exactly what he’ll be for you. He’ll rescue you from the lonely hell you’re living in and give himself to you fully. He’ll dedicate all of his time that he can to you. And he plans to spoil you fucking rotten.

He looks over the various trinkets you have set on—and on top of—those shame shelves. Porcelain figurines of unicorns and cats, a small jeweled crown, some candles and a few faux plants.

He turns back to you. “Which one is your favorite?”

You shift nervously from one foot to the other. “The Lord of the Rings, actually. I…I really like Éowyn and Faramir’s story.”

He nods.

He’s never watched the movies, and has obviously never read the book, so he makes a mental note to at least do some reading on the characters you’ve mentioned to understand you better.

He then looks over your entertainment center and the small collection of DVDs you have alphabetically organized in one of the cubbies. Beauty and the Beast, Ever After, Stardust, The Last Unicorn, The Princess Bride, among a few others.

He then steps over to your closet and pulls the doors open without even asking your permission first.

You don’t much react to him doing so, supposing that everything in there you’ve worn to school at some point anyway.

He’s met with skirts and sweaters and dress blouses. Another thing he’s going to have to change—your wardrobe. It isn’t exactly “frumpy”, but it isn’t feminine enough for his taste, either. He wants your clothes to reflect who you truly are. Sun and baby doll dresses, and tennis skirts with the right pretty tops will suit you far better. Sandals and delicate flats. Your hair curled and actually down for once, perhaps with a bow in it. And he’ll buy you a few nice pieces of expensive jewelry as well. Maybe take you on a shopping trip to Tiffany one day.

He closes the doors in front of him.

What he really wants is to go through not just your bedside table, but also the top drawers of your dresser. He's curious if you've ventured into the territory of lingerie and sex-toys yet. And if so, what your preferences are.

He doesn't like to imagine you using more than a vibrator on your clit to get yourself to orgasm. As for lingerie, he doubts that you own any, but he often pictures you in lacy panties and pastel teddy nightgowns.

He adds such things to his mental shopping list of things to one day buy you.

Speaking of orgasms, however, he'd come thinking of you nearly every night for the past week.

He imagined you on his bed, naked, your pussy soaked for him, your legs spread wide as he teased you until you were begging for him to put himself inside of you.

He imagined all the things he'd teach you in bed, sure that you're inexperienced.

And only after you promised him that you're his—belonged to him and wanted no one and nothing else but him—did he finally join your two bodies together.

Finally, he sits on the edge of your bed. He then glances to the chair which hangs from the ceiling in the back left corner of your room, directly facing where he now sits.

You walk over, sitting in it.

He then lays back on your bed, feet still planted firmly on the floor, arms folded behind his head—God, he’s so tall.

“Do you not get lonely here?” He asks, turning his head to look at you.

You lift one of your socked-feet onto the chair, wrapping your arms around your bent knee. You shrug.

He shakes his head. “Don’t do that.”

Your brows furrow. “Do what?”

“Act like you being left alone all the time doesn’t matter. It matters; you matter.”

You remain quiet. Then, “I’m used to it. I like being alone.”

He refuses to believe that, knows it’s bullshit.

You’d only spent a week together, and only a little over an hour every day at that, but it’d not taken but a couple of days for you to—at times—talk his ear off. At one point, it’d nearly gotten on his last nerve, until his stomach dropped and heart broke when he realized why: how fucking long had it been since you’d had someone—anyone—to really talk to? Someone who bothered to truly listen? How long had you stayed silent, withdrawing further and further into yourself, until you’d built up an entire fantasy world within your mind and soul, which became your new reality?

And so he promised to himself—and mentally to you—that he’d never, even if it were true—tell you he doesn’t care what you have to say. He won’t be just one more person to hurt and let you down. Just like he knows you won’t be as much to him.

You’re good for him. He could tell as much from the first day he spoke to you.

He stares at you for a moment, making you squirm. “I don’t believe that.”

“Ok.” You don’t particularly feel like arguing. He can believe whatever he wishes.

He frowns. He dislikes that you don’t seem to much care what his opinion of you is. He supposes it’s a strange dichotomy. Going from Cassie who, it was all she cared about, to you, who clearly can’t care less.

“You’re really telling me that talking to barely anyone at school, except occasionally Lexi, and being alone in this house all the time doesn’t ever get to you?”

You shrug. “It’s just what I’m used to.”

In all the talking to him you’d done over the past week, all of it had been surface-level. About history or the new book you were reading, or something you’d read in a news article. None of it was actually truly about you.

If his plan to get in deeper with you—to know you like no other person on the planet does—is going to work, then you need to give him more.

“What if it wasn’t?”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugs, looking up to the ceiling. “What if we started hanging out more often than just when we study after school? We could text or something, too.”

You appreciate his being concerned for you, you think it really kind of him. Even if makes you the least bit uncomfortable. You tell yourself it’s simply because it’s something you’re not used to: someone showing genuine concern for you.

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

He looks at you again. “You wouldn’t be. I like spending time with you.”

You’re not sure how to respond, so you just say thanks.

“I feel like for the last week I’ve done nothing but ask you questions about yourself. Is there anything you want to know about me?”

He’ll never admit it, but your lack of interest in him hurts his feelings. It makes him feel like you aren’t nearly as attracted to him as he is to you.

“I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

He smirks. So that’s why. Always so fucking considerate; his sweet girl.

“You won’t.”

You think for a moment. The things you really want to ask him about are too personal this early on (even if you’d told yourself such things were none of your business, you can’t help wanting answers). Like why he despises his dad so much, and what happened with him and Maddy and Cassie. And what happened at that New Year’s party which landed him in the hospital?

You start smaller. “What made you want to play football?”

He considers giving you some bullshit answer—which will seem a plausible enough explanation—and giving you the actual truth. Finally, he decides on both. “It gives me something to do, for one. A reason to push myself harder. It gives me something to focus on. And football is a contact sport. So when I’m pissed off, I finally have something to take it out on.”

“Like when you’re angry with your dad?”

He grows silent.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-”

He shakes his head. “It’s ok. It’s not like I’ve exactly been subtle about my dislike of him.”

He doesn’t elaborate further than that.

“So…what’s your favorite color?”

He laughs. “I don’t know. Black, I guess.”

Somehow it seems fitting for him.

He looks at you, able to read you. “But that’s not the kind of question you want to be asking, is it?”

“I don’t want to overstep boundaries.”

He leans up on one elbow. “Then how about we make it fair? You ask me one actually personal question, and then I ask you one. And we both have to answer. No matter what. As soon as one of us refuses to, I head home.”

You think about it for a moment, worried about the sorts of things he may ask, but you have an out. “Deal.”

He smiles. “Alright, ladies first.”

“Will you tell me what happened during New Year’s?”

He sits up fully then. “Fezco smashed a bottle over my head, then beat me within an inch of my life. He got the upper hand immediately by doing what he did with the liquor bottle. He almost fucking killed me, all for a worthless druggy.”

Your brows furrow. “Who?”

“Rue went to him with some made-up story about me harassing her and some friend of hers online. When in reality I want nothing to do with her. So then he threatened to kill me and finally fucking tried to.”

“Why would she do something like that?” It feels like he isn’t giving you the whole story. He’s laid out the edges of a puzzle, but is withholding the middle.

He shrugs. “She’s a drug addict, how should I know?”

Before you can reply, can think of a polite way to say: so what’s the real story here, he takes his turn.

“How come we were never friends?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, we’ve known each other since we were five-years-old. We grew up together, have known each other for over a decade now. And only in the last week have we really finally talked, or spent any amount of time together.”

You lean back in your seat. “Well, just because you grow up with someone doesn’t mean that fact has to serve as some prerequisite to becoming best friends or something. Sometimes people, even from a young age, just don’t click. You were always running around on the playground, playing sports with others. I was always sitting off to the side and reading or coloring or playing with toys. I guess you were just more outgoing than me.”

“You know what they say: opposites attract.”

You tell yourself he’s just referring to friendship.

He lays back again. “Well, it may’ve only taken eleven years, but we’re friends now. I just… I just wonder what things might’ve been like had it happened sooner.” He sighs, then, “Your turn again.”

To an extent, you wonder that, too. Mostly just what it would’ve been like to have a best friend for that long.

“What happened between you, Maddy, and Cassie?”

“Not going to give me an easy one, huh?”

You let out a small laugh.

“Me and Maddy had been together since sophomore year. I guess we just grew comfortable with one another, even if we weren’t always happy. Even if it wasn’t always healthy. It didn’t start out toxic. We were happy at first. For awhile. A long while. But she just…it was like she wasn’t pleased unless we were fighting and then making up.

“It was just a constant cycle of her beating me down, then trying to build me back up again through sex. She just…she made me feel like shit about myself. As both her boyfriend and a man. It was like it wasn’t bad enough: the shit I dealt with at home with my dad. She just had to become one more problem in my life that I was forced to deal with.

“I’d hoped that if I loved her hard enough, if I gave her enough, she’d love me back the way I wanted to be loved. The way I loved her. Turns out I was just a fucking idiot.”

Tears sting your eyes. You feel so sorry for him. To be so young and to have already known an emotionally abusive relationship was heartbreaking. It was one reason why you refused to date at such a young age. You were all too young to understand yourselves, nevermind another person. Not in the context of loving and taking care of them, at least. You all were barely even fully-formed people yet.

So that was what Lexi had been referring to before. Just like everything, there were always two sides.

“And Cassie?” You ask, softly.

A muscle in his jaw feathers. “Just a giant fucking mistake. We first hooked up a couple weeks after Maddy and I had broken up…again. It happened on New Year’s Eve. I just…maybe I was trying to get even for what Maddy had done to me at the beginning of the school year—fucking a guy in the pool at McKay’s house—right in front of everyone.

"And then we hung out more, and at first I thought she was different. Maybe better for me. Until she started blowing up my phone with hundreds of calls and texts, screaming one night in my room about how crazy she was, how she’d never let me be with anyone else. How she was better for me than all the rest.”

Your brows raise. That unhinged? Cassie had always seemed so sweet and demure to you. But you’d also hardly ever been around her outside of school.

And dating—being in relationships—seemed to sometimes bring out the worst in people. Facets they themselves didn’t even know they had.

“I’m sorry, Nate. I never knew Cassie was so…” You trail off, until he fills in the rest for you.

“Psychotic?”

You laugh. “I wasn’t going to say it like that, but…” You shift legs, wrapping your arms around your other one now. “Your turn.”

He remains lying back, wanting this question to come off as something he’s casually asking. Whereas, in reality, he’ll be holding onto every word of your answer.

“Have you ever dated before?”

You feel like you suddenly want to use your out, but refrain. It’s a simple enough question, with a simple answer. “No.”

He looks over at you. “Never?”

You shake your head. “Nu-uh.”

His brows raise. He’d never known you to have a boyfriend before, but until recently he’d not exactly kept tabs on you.

It surprises him.

“Have you never kissed anyone or had sex?” He prays the answer to both is no. Also hopes you don’t cut his questioning you short.

You’re quiet for a moment, the two of you just staring at one another. Until, finally, you decide to answer. “No. And I’m not ashamed to say it. Not having done either of those things is a choice, just like having done them is as well.”

He sits up, hunching over to try and hide the erection he can feel forming.

No one has ever been inside of you—not in your mouth, not in your pussy, and not in your ass. Another pair of lips have never even touched your own, another tongue has never tasted you. Another pair of eyes has never explored your lovely naked body.

He wants to know what you do, then, to satiate yourself when the mood strikes. Do you rub at your clit until you come? Do you finger yourself—he wonders if your hymen is still intact? Do you bunch a pillow up between your legs, humping it until you've finished and the case is soaked? Or do you take and rub your teddy against your wet, needy pussy until you’re sore and can’t take it anymore?

God he wants to know what you fucking taste like. Wants to feel your fingers in his hair as he goes down on you. Needs to know what your perfect pussy feels like around his cock.

But he knows it’s too soon for any of that. For you, at least.

“That’s not something to be ashamed of. Not nowadays. You should be proud of yourself for having held out this long. I admire it.”

You shrug. “It’s not that hard to do.”

He smirks. “That’s because you’ve never done it before. Once you’ve been with someone in that way…giving up that kind of intimacy is difficult.”

You think any kind of intimacy must be hard to let go of after having it. Whether it’s emotional, intellectual, physical…sexual. Maybe it’s one more reason you keep most people at arm’s-length. If you never let anyone in, then you’ll never have to worry about losing them.

You clear your throat. “My turn.”

He lays back again.

“Can I ask about your dad?”

He flexes his jaw. “What about him?”

“Why do you hate him so much?”

There’s a long pause and then he finally sits up. “I guess it’s time for me to go.”

You plant both of your feet on the floor, now sitting on the edge of your swing-chair. “You don’t have to. I’m sorry. I was just curious. Since he always seems so…perfect, you hating him, I guess, is just a source of confusion for me. Then again, maybe that perfection is the source of it: your hate. I don’t know.”

“That’s part of it. But not all.” And that’s all the answer he’s willing to give you.

Letting onto his hate for his father in the first place was a mistake. But that loathing sometimes seeped out. And he feels like he can be honest with you. He trusts you. So, sometimes he lets go a little. That lid he keeps so tightly screwed slips loose sometimes in your presence.

He stands and you fill with guilt.

You’d gone too far. You’d known better—that asking about his father would end up being a mistake—but you’d brought him up anyway. And now you’d ruined the day.

“You really don’t have to leave. We can talk about something else?”

He pretends to consider that for a moment. When in reality, he’s all too-pleased that you’re so eager for him to stay.

Then, he steps over to you, standing in front of your seat, towering over you as you look up at him. He briefly thinks that this would be a perfect position for the both of you to be in as you take him into your mouth.

Then, he kneels down. One week was all it had taken for you to bring him to his knees.

He reaches up, grabbing either of the ropes the chair hangs from from on either side of you. “It’s Friday.”

You smile nervously. “That’s very observant of you.”

He smiles, letting out a small chuckle. “I just mean that it’s only four o’ clock; still early. We could go do something together.”

He begins to lightly swing you, just barely.

“Like what?” You ask quietly.

He shrugs. “Whatever you want. I could take you to dinner, take you shopping. I’ll take you wherever you want to go, even if you just want to drive around.”

You don’t know how to respond to his offer. “You don’t have anywhere else you need to be?”

“Not at all.” He wants so desperately to touch you, but he sees you like a newborn fawn, easily frightened; skittish. So he refrains. For now at least.

You glance to the set of glass doors beside the two of you which lead into your backyard. At the sun still high in the sky and tree branches blowing lightly in the wind. And then you look back to Nate, seeing no good reason to waste such a beautiful day cooped up inside.

“Okay.”

He smiles. “Good.” He stands, offering you his hand.

You take it, doing the same. “I’ll just be a minute, I need to change again. Don’t really want to go out in sweats.”

He nods, going to leave, then stops by your closet. He pulls the doors open and you watch as he pulls out a light-pink sundress, then turns back to you, holding it out in your direction.

“You don’t have to wear it, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it on you at school before. Just thought it might look nice.”

You gently take the dress from him.

He speaks before you can tell him no. “I’ll be waiting in the living room. Take your time.”

Once the door has shut behind him, you look down at the dress in your hands, then at the things you usually wear—the clothes you feel most comfortable in—beckoning you from your closet.

While you dress, Nate leans back on the couch, hoping you wear what he’s picked out for you. In truth, he wants to dress every inch of you. He wants to do your hair, your makeup—even if you never wear any. He wants to pick out a cute matching pair of lingerie for you—so only he knows what’s under your clothes—your shoes, your jewelry, even your perfume.

He isn’t sure why it means so much to him—perhaps it’s just another thing he feels the need to have control over. He wants you to look nice. He knows you’re capable of matching his ideal picture of what he wants you to be in his head.

When you finally emerge from your bedroom fifteen minutes later—you’d spent half of that time sitting on your bed considering putting the dress away—he’s left speechless.

You’d put on the dress, along with a cute pair of sandals, your toes already painted a pleasant shade of pink, which just so happens to match the item you’re now wearing. And between your breasts hangs a necklace.

You stand in the entryway awkwardly, one of your hands clutching your other arm. “I feel ridiculous,” you whisper, your face red.

He stands, coming to position himself in front of you. “You look beautiful.”

You’re surprised by his response. Wearing something which shows off so much of your body makes you want to crawl out of your skin.

You’d considered putting on a cardigan to cover your arms, but it’s almost ninety-degrees outside. So you decided against it.

He reaches around to the base of your ponytail, his thumb, index and middle finger gripping your hairband. “May I?” He asks, looking down at you.

You feel dumbstruck by the sensation of the base of your hair in his grip, so you just nod.

He gently pulls the band free, your hair falling over your shoulders and down your back, coming to rest just above your ass.

He’s never seen hair as long as yours before. Why the hell do you keep it up all the time?

He flexes his hand, the holder now firmly around his wrist and he reaches up with both of his hands, running his fingers through your soft hair, massaging your scalp as he styles it.

You just stare up at him, his face the picture of concentration as his fingers work against your head, through your long strands of hair. Your eyelids droop just a bit out of the feeling of relaxation that comes over you, goosebumps rising on your arms.

Nate takes note of that, as well as the quiet whimper in the back of your throat as his fingers brush against the base of your neck for just a moment. He likes that you like the way he’s touching you. He wants to know what other places his fingers and hands could explore that would get him similar results.

Finally, once he deems your hair presentable to his personal satisfaction, half of it falling down your back, the other half split evenly over both of your shoulders, he slips one hand into his pocket, the other coming to rest under your chin, making you look up at him again.

He feels blood rush to his cock at the flushed, lax look on your face as your hooded eyes stare up into his own.

“Why don’t you wear your hair down more often? It looks very pretty like this.”

“It gets in my way,” you state, your voice now having a dreamy quality to it.

He really likes you like this. All soft and submissive and dressed how he likes. He wants you wrapped around his finger sooner rather than later. Completely his in every single fucking way imaginable.

Today will be one step closer to getting that future.

He deems what you’ve said a good enough answer, but he knows you’ll have to get used to it. Your hair being down suits you far better than it being up.

He steps away, walking over to the door, holding it open for you.

Once you’ve locked it behind you, he holds open the passenger side door of his truck for you, same as always, shutting it firmly once you’re inside.

[teenage-mutant-ninja-freak]

Romantic moments with the boys/the most romantic things they've ever said to you

Leo

It's a lazy Sunday morning

you two are still in pj's and bustling round the kitchen making breakfast

it's not a productive day, you've both been so busy recently that you decided you need a rest day

as you're sitting at the table and Leo is pouring another cup of coffee he starts saying something but you don't quite hear it

"What? speak up, babe"

"I said, I used to think my life, my purpose, was fighting. Just being a weapon for good. But, if I could wake up at 2pm and roll over and kiss you and that's all I did with my day, that would give me greater meaning than any fight I could win"

you're shocked

at his tenderness, at his honestly, at the romance of it

"and no one would get hurt in the process" you reply

there's a moment of silence where you're just looking in each other's eyes

everything else seems to melt away.

Raph

He's a little drunk

but that's when the best stuff always comes out

you've both been partying in the lair, loud music, drinks flowing, dancing ect

he collapses on the bed and looks over at you, smiling

"what?" you demand

he chuckles and looks at the ceiling

"Y'know, I'm not the religious type and even if I was, there's no way I'm getting past the pearly gates but, I would gladly go to hell and tell them I've seen heaven without even entering it every time I've kissed you"

"you're drunk" you say

"I'm drunk sure, but tomorrow I'll wake up sober and you'll still be an angel"

Mikey

you've made cinnamon rolls

and you're sat on the floor of his room both stuffing your faces

he offers you the centre (the best part) of the last one

the sticky goodness of the icing still stuck to his fingers

you take it and happily eat it

"Why'd you always do that?" you ask "give me the best part?"

"I want to give you everything, the moon, the stars, the sun. But I can't do that, so the little things will have to do. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to give you the world"

"Mikey..." you begin "Don't get all soppy on me"

he flashes you a smile

"Bet I can chug more soda that you!"

and the moment is over, but you'll never forget what he said

Donnie

It starts as kind of an argument

"You're telling me you're a scientist and you know that energy can't be made or destroyed but you still think there's nothing after death? That we don't go anywhere, all the energy inside us?!"

"There's an argument to be made for that, yes. But the energy goes into the soil or heat if you're cremated! There is no next life, we're done"

"I refuse to believe that"

you give him that indignant look you always do when you know you're losing the argument

he laughs and then stops to think for a second

"Ok, I'll make you a deal. If there is a next life, promise me you'll find me in that one too? And the one after that? One lifetime isn't enough of you"

"I promise" you say.

he takes your hand and kisses it

"Then it's a deal"

[callmissrogers]

There For His Girl | Steve Rogers x Reader One Short

Summary: Y/n has reached her limit. Work has been difficult. People have been short, and some just mean. It all brings her back to her childhood, and right now, she just wants to pretend to be ok. So determined to pretend she tries to push her concerned husband away.

WARNINGS ⚠️ This contains mentions of a toxic relationship with the reader's mother and quotes some of their arguments. If this is a trigger for you, please DO NOT proceed. It also contains angst, fluff, and comfort. Also, very little editing and wrote on my phone.

Steve Rogers x wife reader

Word count: 1,370

Notes: The next part in the That's My Girl series will be going up today or tomorrow. I was feeling the need for some comfort myself, so this is what I wrote. Hope you like it!

Y/n slammed the door, tears streaming down her face she pressed her back into the wall and slid down until she was a small ball on the floor.

"Why do I do this?" She sobbed hating herself.

Y/n had had a rough few days. It seemed like no matter what she did or said, people were short with her. Everything was going wrong, and after one mistake, which led to a snarky backhanded compliment from Tony Stark himself, well, Y/n was done. Usually, it didn't get to her like this anymore, but her emotions frayed to a breaking point.

Her dad always told her she wore her heart on her sleeve but she just thought her mom was right and that instead of enduring this made her a nuisance.

Why should she be so bothered when people utter unkind things to her?

Why can't she pull herself together?

"You're always start crying! Stop trying to make me feel bad"

"You're stabbing me in the back by trying to do something different"

"Don't you know I need you here? Stop thinking about yourself and making everything harder on me"

This and many other instances where y/n would be belittled, ridiculed, screamed at, lectured for two hours at 1 in the morning, and reduced to making herself as small and as unseen as possible while being a sobbing mess, had made her what she is today.

Too sensitive. At least that's what she told herself at times like this.

And why couldn't she just talk about it like a normal person instead of blowing something trivial out of proportion?

Literally five minutes ago....

Steve had come home the night before. Poor guy had been so tired that he fell asleep in uniform on the couch.

Y/n had been carefully tiptoeing around the kitchen so as not to accidentally wake him up. Intending to surprise him before heading to work.

She was supposed to be going over mission plans with Vision today. This was the kind of work that excited her. None of the agents would bother them while they were working, which meant that she could just disappear for the day.

She platted up breakfast and carried it over to set it on the coffee table in front of the sleep soilder.

Tho he didn't actually wake up until she set down his mug of coffee.

Eyes fluttering open he peered up at her groggyily. "Hi" He mumbled, pushing himself upright. "Hey sleepy head." Y/n said, trying to make her voice sound chipper.

Steve sighed contentedly as he stretched out his muscles before standing up.

"Mind if I go change clothes before I enjoy this masterpiece?" He asked. Y/n turned to face him, attempting to smooth down his wild bedhead and then said, "Go ahead"

He was back a matter of moments, settling down next to her and drinking deeply from his coffee.

"Thank you for this," He sighed leaning over and gently kissing her on the cheek. Y/n just nodded, trying to keep her mind on a healthy track she focused on eating.

"Did you sleep well?" Steve asked. Taking another bite, she thought about lying and telling him that she had had the best night sleep.

"Sorta" She said trying to stiffle a yawn. "What does sorta mean?" Steve asked turning to look at her. "Nothing really. I'm good! Nothing some strong coffee won't fix."

Steve placed his hands on her shoulders, making her look at him. He studied the dark circles, the faint tint of bloodshot in her eyes, how she held herself and her fiddling hands.

"Hm," He said, his voice low in his chest.

Y/n knew exactly what he was doing, shaking his hands off her shoulders and standing up she said, "I should probably get ready for work."

Steve stood up, grabbing her wrist and stopping her. "Y/n, you look exhausted." "I'm fine" "You're twirling your hair, which means you're not telling the truth." "Steve, c'mon I don't have time for this" "Y/n, it looks like you've been crying" She pulled his hand off her wrist and started to walk away from him, "I'm going to work." "Sweetheart, please just tell me what's - " "Steve! Please just listen to me and leave me alone!" She yelled, cutting him off. She ran off to the bedroom, and that's when the door slammed.

Steve stood there a moment, thinking about honoring her request and leaving her be. But his protective nature overtook him and he decided that the best thing to do would be to be there for his girl.

In the bedroom.

Y/n sat against the wall still crying into her hands, body trembling, thinking hateful thoughts about herself.

She heard Steve knock on the door, saying "Sweetheart, can I come in?"

When she didn't answer him, he slowly opened the door and stepped inside.

She could feel him kneeling down in front of her, "Sweetheart," He whispered, trying to tuck her hair behind her ear to which she only buried her face further.

The next thing that happened, was Steve scooping her up into his arms and settling down in the arm chair that sat in the room.

Somehow this just made her cry more.

"Oh honey, come on now. Take a deep breath. In through the nose and out through the mouth." He soothed.

After about ten minutes of this, her crying settled down, breath becoming rhythmic.

Once he was sure that she had calmed down enough to be able to communicate with him, he asked his voice low and rumbling through his chest, "Do you wanna talk about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

She nodded against his shirt. "Everything" she gasped. "Everything?" He asked, pulling her back so he could look her in the face. Dabbing away the leftover tears.

"I'm too emotional. Everything the last few days just hurts. I let everything get under my skin... I just. . Lately, people and Stark are just mean, or maybe I'm just too sensitive.. and now I've yelled at you, too." She said, trying to get up.

"Now hold on a minute, " He cooed, keeping her in place.

"What did Tony say?" "Nothing. I messed up and he was being sarcastic, but I'm such a mess that it hurt" she said her voice breaking. "Alright. Listen to me. One, you are not too emotional. The world tells everyone to button up and be cynical. You, my dear, are a light in all that mess. You do care and that's a very good thing -- I don't want you to listen to anyone that would belittle that, ok?" He asked getting a slow, uncertain nod in response. "Ok. Secondly, people can be mean, especially Stark. People also have power trips and want to pull people down to make themselves feel stronger or better. This means there's one thing you can always be certain of: Do you know what that is?" "What?" "They're wrong. Anyone who would belittle you to make a point or to win an argument or for any other reason, is just a bully." "But what if-" "ah. No what ifs. Thirdly, and this one is the one that's most important of the three." "Then why'd it come last?" She asked clearly beginning to feel a little bit better if she could tease him now. Steve simply rolled his eyes and continued,

"I want you to remember that when you're upset, you can always talk to me. No matter how silly it might make you feel, your feelings are safe with me." "Steve I just yelled at you for no rea-" "No. You had a reason. You were upset. I can see that and you know what that means? It means I can take it too. When I put this ring on your finger," He said taking her hand in his and running a finger across her knuckles. "I signed up for this. I'd rather have you get emotional than bottle things up and hide them from me."

Y/n looked down at their still intertwined hands and then back up at him. Nodding again and breathed out an "ok"

"Ok." Steve replied, giving her his usual comforting smile and kissing her forehead.

[themultifandomgal]

Tommy Shelby- Old Love Pt4

Pt1 Pt5

I wake up the following day to Charlie jumping on the bed

"Mummy wake up wake up. Nanna has made breakfast!"

"Hmmm 5 more minutes"

"No mummy come on you need to get up" Charlie pulls the bed sheet off me

"Ok I'm up" I slowing get out of bed rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Charlie takes my hand and pulls me downstairs to the kitchen. He sits down next to my dad and I sit next to him. Mum places a plate of food in front of me

"Thank you" I give her a smile

"So have you decided if we're going to Polly's?" dad asks me

"Not sure. Is it a good idea? Tommy and I have only just reconciled"

"I think it will be good for Charlie" I look down at my son who's stuffing his mouth with his food

"Slow down Charlie" I scold Charlie

"Sorry mummy"

"I just don't want Charlie to be in the middle of whatever is going on"

"Sorry to say this love, he already is"

I decide that we should go and have diner that day at Polly's. So knocking on the door with Charlie in my arms was super nerve racking. Polly opens the door and smiles

"Aunt Polly" Charlie opens his arms out for Polly to take him

"Hi Charlie are you hungry?"

"Yeah let's go" I chuckle at Charlie and follow Polly into the house. The first to greet me is Arthur by pulling me into a massive hug. Next is John then Finn and Micheal. The final person to greet me was Tommy

"Thank you for coming"

"I'm doing this mainly for Charlie"

"I understand"

"Mummy hurry up I'm hungry. Uncle Arthur is already putting food on his plate. He's going to eat it all!" Charlie runs back into the dinning room

"We err best go and sit down" I give Tommy a small smile and follow where my parents and Charlie have gone. I sit down next to Charlie while Tommy sits opposite us. Johns kids and his wife are dotted around the table

"Mummy can you help cut up my chicken?"

"Of course I can" I take his knife and fork in my hands and cut up his food

"So YN are you moving back to Small Heath?" Arthur asks

"I don't know yet. We will see. I see the betting shop is doing well"

"Yeah it is" there's an awkward silence between us all.

The rest of our meal was quite awkward with a lot of small talk. I watch as Charlie and Johns kids all run around the garden when Tommy walks up to me

"Hey"

"Hi"

"Dinner was a little awkward wasn't it?"

"Just a bit" I chuckle

"He's grown since I last saw him"

"Been eating his greens, unlike his father"

"Don't like vegetable"

"I know. You never did" I finally look up at Tommy who's still watching Charlie play "Tom?"

"Hmm?" Tommy now looks at me

"Yesterday Charlie asked me if you still loved us. Hearing him say that broke my heart"

"I've fucked this up haven't I?"

"We both have" I shrug

"How do I repair our relationship?"

"Be his dad. Go play with him" I nod towards Charlie

"How?"

"He will tell you, be glad he's not a girl else you'd be playing as a princess" I say making us both laugh "you know he loves horses, bond over that. Take him to Charlie's yard to meet the horses"

"Can I have him for the day tomorrow?"

"Don't you need to be at the betting shop?" I ask frowning

"Polly's in charge tomorrow"

"Then you are more than welcome to have him"

"Would you like to join us?"

"Oh I don't know"

"You don't still have a fear of horses do you?"

"Maybe" I chuckle

"Then you definitely need to come with us tomorrow"

"I don't have any boots with me" I try to get out of going to the farm

"I'm sure Ada will let you borrow hers"

"But..."

"No buts. Your coming with us tomorrow"

"Fine, but I'm not ridding" I cross my arms

"We will see"

We continue to watch Charlie and the kids playing until it was time to leave Polly's and go home

"Mummy will we live with daddy again?"

"I'm not sure baby" I say tucking Charlie into bed

"I'd like to live with daddy again"

"Maybe one day we will, but even if we don't, daddy will always love you and so will I"

"I love you too mummy" I bend down and kiss Charlie on the forehead

"Goodnight baby. Sweet dreams"

[camryn-haitani]

Phobia Factor

Duncan x GNReader

Ep: Phobia Factor

TW: suicide talk and panic attack

All the campers are gathered around the fire sharing their fears. But you, you're a little smarter than that. but not as smart as Chris.

I know this isn't like a main fear some of y'all have, but this is a main fear for me. so I just wanted to put it out there beforehand. also just to clarify, y'all aren't dating in the beginning.

- - - - - -

"c-celine dion music store standees..." Duncan says while his head hung low. "uh exsqueeze me? I didn't quite catch that" Cody exclaimed while leaning more towards Duncan. "shut the fuck up you little asshole or I'll kick your puny ass into next week's challenge." Duncan said while holding Cody's shirt.

(in the confession booth)

"uhhh I'm a little scared right now. like I have a feeling Chris is gonna get some sick twisted idea for us. ya know, since we're saying what our fears were. but ain't no way I'm saying that shit Infront of people. and ain't no way I'm saying it here either." I say while crossing my arms.

(with Chris and Chef)

"heh heh heh, oh don't worry y/n. we've been watching you very carefully. you don't have to say what your fear is, I already know it." Chris said followed by a maniacal laugh. "ya know man, you're one sick freak. but me too." chef said while eating his dessert.

(back at the campfire)

"what about you y/n? what are you scared of?" Courtney egged on. "y'all a bunch of dumbasses ya know. y'all seriously didn't think that Chris is gonna do something with this info that he has on us now." I say. "omg you're rightttt." Lindsey said. you facepalmed and shook your head. "I'm headed to bed, good night y'all." I say while stretching and popping my back. "wait up sweetheart, I'll walk you there." Duncan says while walking behind you. "why's that bitch gotta take him away?" Courtney said quietly.

"you know, I have a feeling you're right about the whole Chris gonna do something with our fears thing." Duncan said while putting his arm around your shoulder. "I told y'all" I say, "well good night Duncan. I'll hopefully see you tomorrow." "good night babe." he says while kissing the back of your hand.

'why are feelings so hard. I think I'm falling for Duncan. we've just clicked from the beginning. shit. but I'm in this to win it.' I think to myself before falling asleep

(next morning)

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING CAMPERS. RISE AND SHINE. MEET ME AT THE LODGE FOR BREAKFAST IN 5 MINUTES." Chris yelled over the loudspeakers. "can't we just get 30 more minutes of fuckin sleep?" leshawna said while rubbing her head.

after I got dressed, I walked out of the cabin and was met with Duncan having his back facing me. "hey sweet cheeks, you ready?" "yeah yeah I'm coming." I say still trying to wake up. we started walking to the lodge and I felt someone glaring daggers into my back. I turn around and nothings there. I brush off the feeling and keep walking.

"heyyyy campers. while you finish up breaky, how about heather meet me up at the amphitheater. it's sumooooooo time." "WHAT" Heather spats out along with her drink which hit Gwen. "real fuckin nice heather." Gwen said while her face dripping in water. "awww at least it's a good look on you." Heather says while walking out, shaking with fear.

"see I told you assholes Chris was gonna do something." I yell. "hey y/n. I need to talk to you. it's something important." Chef says while he pulls me out the door.

"ok guys. I found out what y/n's fear is. and I'm really not gonna like saying this but, I need y'all's help to make it work." Chris whisper yells.

(after Chris explained what they need to do)

"you're one sick ticket dude." leshawna says. "yeah man, this is just wrong." Duncan said with his head hung.

(at the amphitheater)

"ohhhhh ok I get it now. thanks chef." I say while walking to go sit next to Duncan. "no problem y/n." chef says going back to Chris. "hey Duncan." I sit down next to him. *silence* "uhh Duncan? you ok?" "why the fuck are you always following me around? get the fuck away from me. this is why Courtney's better than you." he snaps. "......oh. I'm sorry." I sadly say. I get up and go sit next to Gwen. "hey Gwen." "ughh the hell do you want? if you're not gonna be useful then stop wasting my time." Gwen yells. I have one more person I can go to. "hey trent." I say hoping he's not gonna be the the other two. "omg y/n stop thinking we're friends. we are not friends and we will never be friends. go jump off the fucking cliff we did in the first challenge. you'd be doing us a favor." trent says while regretting every word that came out of his mouth.

'fuck fuck fuck. it's happening again' I say in my head. I get up and walk to the woods.

"SHIT. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME." I cry while sliding down a tree to sit down.

*suicide talk starts*

they were right. I should jump off that cliff. my breathing becomes ragged and unstable. I start to shake and my vision gets blurry.

(with Duncan)

'where did y/n go?' Duncan thought. but then a certain memory can across his mind.

*flashback*

"yeah I've had to move schools alot because of how much the people there bullied me and told me things that broke my mental health. I've been told to kill myself. multiple times. my biggest fear is being replaced and forgotten." I say.

me and Duncan were somewhere in the woods just talking. me and him have gotten kinda close but not that close.

*back to now*

Duncan pov:

"I fucked up. I fucked up bad." I say while standing up. I run. I don't know where I'm running to, but I'm running. wait, I'm running to find y/n. I check the cabin, I check the lodge, I check the bathroom. I check everywhere. wait, the woods.

your pov:

it's getting worse. this is the worst attack I've ever had. I start scratching my arm to try and regain neutrality. but nothing is working. I can't stand. I can't talk. I can't think.

Duncan pov:

shit shit shit. I hear them, but I don't know where they are. "Y/N" I yell to at least try. but alas, I don't hear a response.

your pov:

"Y/N"

I faintly hear my name but I can't respond. no matter how hard I try. my voice just won't come out. but I see some rocks. I pick one up and find the strength to throw it. I get one about a foot away from me. I pick up another one, this time I got it a little farther. the last rock, I throw it the farthest. then j hear rapid footsteps coming towards me.

"holy shit y/n. I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible person." Duncan says with tears in his eyes. he picks me up and puts me in his lap while he sits against the tree. he has his hand on the back of my head. 'this is nice' I think. Im still shaking. my throat is hoarse from crying. I'm weak from the energy I've been exerting.

after a good hour or two, I've finally calmed down. Duncan noticed it and asked, "do you wanna go back with the others or to the cabin?" it was around the afternoon and the challenge is over.

"I wanna go see Trent and Gwen." I say barely audible. "ok sweet cheeks let's go."

he picks me up and puts his arm around my waist and we begin walking.

"y/n omg I'm so sorry. I'm such a shitty person. please forgive me. I'll do anything." Gwen said while crying and hugging me. I hug back. "I forgive you. but please never do that again. promise?" "I promise." we break from the hug and I sit down. "fuck y/n. I'm so sorry, I'm a horrible friend. I shouldn't have said those things to you." Trent said while also crying. "please forgive me." "it's gonna take a while for me to forgive you. but I accept you're apology."

we all eat dinner and eve's drop the campfire ceremony. Tyler gets voted off. and we all go back to the cabins.

"y/n!"

"oh hey Duncan. what's up?"

"lemme walk you to your cabin."

"sure"

we begin walking and he says

"y/n. I think I like you. like I get nervous around you and I care about you a lot and when I saw you having that panic attack, I felt horrible because I knew I was the cause. but forget that, I want to be with you. I wanna be by your side through everything. even after this shit show."

"Duncan I like you too."

he closed the gap between us.

after a few minutes, we part.

"well good night sweet cheeks. think if me when you dream" he says

"I already do"

"WHAT" he says with the biggest blush on his face.

- - - - - - -

[specialagentlokitty]

Hotch x Daughter!reader - the outcasts

If it's ok I'd like to request a Hotch x daughter reader where she's an outcast and goes to Nevermore Academy and both of them try to hide it from the team but they find out (I picture the reader being a psychic with telekinesis/mind reading powers) - @elemental-of-magic💜

Smiling to yourself, you grabbed the coat hanger from your bed and put your shirt on it, followed by your blazer and your tie.

“Come on, it’ll be fun!”

Looking down at your phone, you pulled a face at the werewolf grinning from ear to ear.

“Not a chance Enid, she’ll kill us!” You laughed.

“Her parents said it’s fine! Just think about it?!” She pouted.

Hanging the coat hanger on the top of your door, you walked back over and picked up your phone, making your way through your home as you shook your head.

“Nope, nope and nope.”

“Fine I’m just going to come to yours then.” She huffed.

“Enid I swear to god.” You laughed.

She laughed back and grinned at you.

“I’m going to do it! Your dads going to love it!”

“He’s not!” You chuckled.

You walked in to the kitchen and propped her up on the counter as you started to go through the cupboards.

“Hey kiddo!” Your dad called.

“Mr Hotchner! Mr Hotchner!” Enid yelled.

“Hey! Shut up!” You yelled.

Hotch walked through to the kitchen, kissing the top of your head, he waved at the phone with a smile.

“Hello Enid, how’re you?”

“I’m good! Can I come stay with you for a few weeks during summer?”

“I can’t see any issue with it, Jack will be going away on his camping trip at the end of this month.”

“Awesome! Let’s ask Wednesday!” Enid gushed.

“Dad!” You whined.

While the phone rang again you started to snack on some food you had found and turned to your dad.

He was just smiling, amused at your childish behaviour about him agreeing for your friend to come stay with you.

“What? Enid comes a few times a year anyways, and since I’m working you guys can have the house to yourselves.”

“Ooo parties.”

“No.” He said sternly.

“I’m kidding! Wednesday would kill us. Can Wednesday stay to?”

“Sure, just make sure that you keep Thing away from my room, I really don’t want to find it a mess again.”

“I’ll make sure your doors locked.” You laughed.

Your dad kissed your head and you cheered when Wednesday finally answered her phone.

It took some convincing but she finally agreed to come stay, and the following week your dad was driving you to pick them both up.

You and Enid excitedly talked away in the car about how your summers were going while Wednesday just sat there staring out of the window.

Hotch helped them carry their stuff in, and he set them in your room where you had set up two air mattresses and put yours on the floor with them.

“Where’s your bed gone?!” Enid yelled.

“Clearly she moved it for more room idiot.” Wednesday said.

“Hey play nice.” You scolded.

Wednesday rolled her eyes at you and started to unpack her things, putting everything in a space around the bed she had chosen.

“Hey dad is having a BBQ tomorrow night with his team do you guys want to join?” You asked.

“Oh yes yes yes!” Enid cheered.

“Sounds awful.”

“I’ll bring you food up Wednesday.” You laughed.

You guys spent most of the night playing games, talking and eating snacks.

The next morning, Wednesday woke up before you, making her way down the stairs where your dad was making breakfast.

“Morning Wednesday.” He smiled.

“Hello Mr Hotchner.” She greeted.

She sat down at the table and just stared at him.

When he first met her he was slightly uncomfortable, but now he was used to it and he simply set a plate of pancakes down in front of her.

“Help yourself to whatever, I’ll get the other two up.”

“Must you? It’s so peaceful without them talking my ears of.” She sighed.

“Unfortunately yes, (Y/N) will kill me if I don’t wake her up for pancakes.” He laughed.

He set two more plates on the table.

He walked away, waking Enid up first before he spent the next twenty minutes trying to wake you up.

Enid and Wednesday both came back up the stairs and shared a look.

“We’ve mastered this.” Enid grinned.

Hotch stepped back, watching as Enid stood over you.

Wednesday ripped your covers off, and before you could react Enid dropped herself on you, making you let out a loud groan while slapping her back.

“I’m awake! I’m awake!”

“If you stay there you might finally end her talking.” Wednesday said.

“Get off you lump!” You laughed.

Pushing her off you, you slapped Wednesday’s leg and jumped up, rushing down to quickly eat the food your dad had made you.

“I’ve got to go to the office, I’ll see you girls tonight!” He called.

“We’ll be home late going shopping!” You called back.

“Can we at least go to a bookstore this time?” Wednesday asked.

“Sure! Let’s go!”

You guys spent all day out, and Hotch started the BBQ without you.

“Wheres the little lady?” Rossi asked.

“She’s shopping with some friends from school?” Hotch smiled.

“What school does she go to? You’ve never said.” Derek asked.

Hotch didn’t reply for a moment, he focused to flipping the burgers before he closed the grill and turned to his team.

They’d been asking him this question for ages, and he never gave a straight answer.

“She’s goes to a boarding school, it was her mothers wishes she attended the same school.”

“But is it close? Far?” JJ asked.

“It’s quite far, it’s a nice place though, great students and staff.”

“So Jack will go to?” Reid asked.

Hotch shook his head and went back to tending to the food.

“No he’s got his friends here.”

They all nodded and finally dropped the subject, they knew they weren’t going to get any information out of him.

About an hour later you came home and ran up to your room to drop your shopping before grabbing Enid’s hand.

“What food do you want?”

“Whatever.”

“Don’t get moody if you don’t like it!” Enid called.

You guys ran back down the stairs and into the back yard.

Letting go of your friends hand, you let her run over to your dad while you crept up on Rossi and jumped on his back.

“You’re going to knock me down one day you know!” He laughed.

You let go and let him turn around to hug your properly.

“How was school?” Emily smiled.

Hugging her, you quickly went around and gave the rest a hug as well.

“It was good! A lot of drama this year, and a new student, she’s really weird but she’s cool!” You beamed.

You bounded over to the table where the food was, and started to help Enid pile food on to a plate.

“So who’s this?” Derek smiled.

“Oh this is Enid!”

You introduced them, and explained that your other friend was in your room because she didn’t like people very much.

While Enid took the food upstairs, you stayed to talk to your aunts and uncles for a little bit before you excused yourself to go and eat.

“They’re not as loud as I thought they would be.“ Wednesday noted.

“Well they are adults it’s not like Ajax trying to hide the fact he’s having a party in his dorm.” You snickered.

Another hour passed, and Hotch decided to light the fire.

“I’ll go get the girls!” Garcia squealed.

She was so excited to see Wednesday, and so she rushed up the stairs to your room.

She stopped outside to the door and went to knock when she stopped to look at the uniform that was hung on the door.

She stared at the crest, and through the crack in the door she could hear laughing and cheering.

“Do it again!” Enid laughed.

You laughed and held out your hand, raising a book in the air before you let it drop on the floor with a thud.

“You two are so childish.”

“You agreed to come!” You sang.

Enid laughed and you slapped her leg to make her go quiet.

“Aunt Garica?” You asked.

She squeaked and rushed back down the stairs before you could stop.

“(Y/N) goes to Nevermore?!” She yelled.

Every turned to Hotch in shock, and he looked a bit nervous, shuffling around on his feet.

“Nevermore?” Rossi asked.

“It’s a school for outcasts, students who can’t fit into normal schools because of their particular… abilities and family bloodlines.” Reid explained.

“So she’s an outcast?” Emily asked.

Hotch sighed, opening his mouth to reply but you spoke before he could.

“Yes, I go to a school for outcasts, so do Enid and Wednesday. Though to be honest Wednesday is only there because she didn’t have much of a choice and kept getting expelled.”

You sighed, giving them all a little smile.

“You guys know dad adopted me from my mom, who was best friends with him. But she was an outcast to, so was my father. And I inherited both of their abilities.”

You then sat down and explained everything, not giving them a chance to get a word in just in case they tried to stop you.

By the time you finished no one knew what to say.

Looking at you, you were still their little weird niece, you were still part of their family.

“So Enid you’re an outcast to?” JJ asked.

Enid nodded her head, looking to you for permission and you nodded.

So Enid explained what she was and it added even more shock to the whole situation.

“We’re sorry we didn’t tell you, but we know how people can be towards people like (Y/N), Enid and Wednesday.” Hotch sighed.

“It’s… strange that’s for sure…” Derek mumbled.

“Kinda cool though.” Garica smiled.

“You guys are still family, we’re just glad to know the whole story now.” Emily laughed.

You laughed as well and smiled brightly.

If there was anyone you could count on it was your dads team.

They happily asked questions about all of you, and you answered all of them if you could, even Wednesday helped with answering the questions to try and make it easier for your family to accept you

[tripthelightfandomtastic]

here’s my sammy idea; its about edging so if that’s not your thing, keep scrolling!

ok so, i want to edge sam. i feel like the idea it would come up from some argument he was having with boys when having drinks at jakes house, a stupid discussion about who could go the most without an orgasm, and sam gloated about how he is not a desperate teenager.

the little comment takes root in your brain, and on your way back home you raise the idea to him.

“do you actually think you can do it?” you say casually while driving “do what?” “go a few days without cumming” his eyes go a little wide at the question “well… yeah, i think i can do better than those 3, at least, why?” you casually stop at a red light, so you look at him “would you be down to try?” he is quiet for seconds that feel too long “…try it how, exactly?” “well,” you raise an amused eyebrow at sam’s sudden shyness “we do our usual thing, but you make me cum, and you suck it up” you joke hoping to put him at ease, making him chuckle before he quiets down again “so… edging? is it?” “yup” you nod “we can build up to it honey, im not gonna slap a cock ring on you and keep it there for half a month” the mention of the ring already makes sam feel hot under his collar, you continue “we can start with four, maybe five days if that sounds ok- if you are okay with the whole thing, that is” sam nods, its not like you aren’t in control of all his orgasms already, he loves to be putty in your hands “okay, yeah, lets do it” he runs his clammy palms up and down his legs, already feeling a bit jittery “are we… are we starting now?” you giggle at him sweetly “no honey, right now im gonna be sweet to you and make you cum in any way your little heart desires” you park in front of your home and cup his jaw and peck his lips “we can start tomorrow” making him gulp nervously.

you settled on four for being the first time, but god it was the four longest days of sam’s life. from making him eat you out 3 times while praising him, to jerking him off hard and fast, in a way that made him squirm desperately and gasp for air as if he was constantly coming out of the water. you never pushed him too close to the edge, maybe once or twice before letting him catch his breath and take a cold shower.

on the fourth day, sam woke up to an empty bed. he got up and walked to the kitchen, and bent over to hide his face in your neck and mutter a shy good morning. you were sitting on the table with a mug of coffee and a left-over croissant from yesterday. “good morning, pretty. how did you sleep?” it was hell to fall asleep, honestly. you palmed him through his underwear and kissed his neck while praising him for what what felt like hours, so he had to fall asleep with a hard on and wake up to a slight case of morning wood. “Fine” he bit his lip, looking around in the kitchen, catching your eyes every now and then. “im not gonna make you cum yet, sam” you chuckled at his whining “you’ve been waiting for days, you can wait a few more minutes.” you placed your mug and plate on the sink, feeling him follow you like little puppy. “first, breakfast, you are gonna need your energy, baby” he sighed and fixed himself a mug with a bowl of cereal on the side, and ate with a pout “oh, dont be dramatic, sammy”

30 minutes later, you feel him creep behind you while you do the dishes, hands on your rib cage trailing down to your hips “please? now?” he asks quietly and you sigh with a smile “ok sammy, go wait in the room” you kiss his shocked face on the cheek “go, ill be right there” he nearly trips on his way out.

if you could take a picture, you would, because you dont think there’s anything prettier than sam with his hair in a bun, hands tied up above his head, cheeks and chest flushed, squirming from your hand pumping him slowly but steady, and your lips fluttering around the base of his cock. “please, please…” he whines sweetly “sammy, you really arent helping yourself with all your begging and whining” you say, with a seductive smile “can i try something?” “yes, please, just-“ a choked moan and the clench of his legs interrupt him “anything, i need it” “aw, he needs it” you coo mockingly “ok baby, im gonna give it to you, yeah?” he nods shakily with closed eyes, taking this as a chance to take the little bullet vibrator from the nightstand to your left.

with your right hand holding his red, weeping cock up from the base. “just let go when you are ready, ok?” you dropped a kiss to his hip as he nodded, his breath still labored but not as frantic. you wrap you lips around his tip, babying it with your tongue, circling around it gently. his noises almost sound like complains, his hips already starting to shift. when you feel like he got back into it, you turn on the bullet vibrator at high power, holding it to where his shaft connects to his balls, making him almost scream in surprise, and it takes little to no time to get him there. “oh god- oh, please! can i-?” he sobs out, you let go of his tip with a pop “yes, yes baby, come for me, let go-“ sam’s scream interrupts you as his orgasm splatters against his chest. his body tenses erratically, his mouth open with now gasps coming out of him as his orgasm hits him like a train. you pull the vibrator off of him while still pumping steadily to work him through it gently. when there’s only a few tears coming from his cock you pull away from him, immediately standing up to release his hands, the only sound in the room being his panting. “sammy? did i break you baby?” you touch his face delicately, he nods with a wet face, nuzzling it into your hand “let me know when i can clean you up, bub. take your time” while playing with the stray hairs from his bun to pull him back to reality gently

(i know the spacing looks weird as hell but this is tumblr being HELL to write in im sorry)

Oh... now that is delicious.

[girlsbeingtheirbestself]

get out of a rot 🧖‍♀️🎀🎧📖🌺

hey guys!

so recently i have just been not doing great. I spend hours scrolling, I havent been washing my hair enough or my face i have a messy room and ive not been eating great or doing enough exercise i just feel…. ugh. the people that get it, get it. idk how many people can see this but if you’re feeling the same… we are gonna get out of this together! lmk in the comments pls! 

ok so i don’t want to loose a load of readers by saying this but just hear me out and ill explain why in a second! i have deleted insta tiktok and snap. I KNOW. its just the main cause of my rot and im gonna reinstall snap i think because i need it to text my friends but i deleted so i can GET RID OF THIS FLIPPING ACCICTION! its bad. i go on my phone and ipad (i know) wayyyy to much. that has been my first step. ive had it deleted a couple days and im gonna try keep it as long as poss. i feel much less stressful too because im not waiting for replies 24/7! its quite good actually. 

now tomorrow if you can here is what you are gonna do:

tonight, go to bed at 9.00 or 10.00 earliest you can. (if its later than 7.00 do this tomorrow so you aren’t going to bed late!) put screens away before bed and have a hot shower (or cold however you like) and RINSE AWAY THE ROT! then get in comfy pjs. read until you are tired. listen to a sleep story and fall asleep

ok…here is the plan for the day.

wake up at 6 or 6.30 or 7 am whichever works best for you. don’t groan and pull the covers over your head. get up and put on sports shorts and a baggy tshirt. go for a short fast run and come back tired and sweaty. stretch for a few mins and do an ab workout (lmk if you want the best one i know!) pour yourself a glass of ice water and gulp it down. get in the shower and wash, shave if you like to. wash your hair use your fav products and then get out and put lotion all over. get into comfy but presentable cute clothes and tidy your room - start with your bed and tidy the best you can. you shouldn’t have touched your phone yet. just pretend you are still asleep. go to the kitchen and cook your fav breakfast. avo on toast? pancakes with maple syrup? whatever you want babes. ok now clear up and if you have any get some simple homework done. i know big tasks seem scary but it will feel easier. write 3 achievable goals for the day in a notebook along with your thoughts. just write whatever. this will be your lifeline for your unrotten life. DRINK WATER! im shit at this but it cleans you inside and out! then, after what you need to do with your day (if you have nothing to do, connect with freinds family or pets or if you can’t then clean anthing or draw or style your hair or comment on this or start your own blog) take a short walk and cook a nutritious lunch with veg and fruit for dessert. then workout again just a bit to get you sweaty and tired! eat a yum dinner and have a quick shower again. then brush your teeth and tongue and use mouthwash and floss then wash your face. get in your cutest pjs and watch a little tv before bed but do this mindfully, know how long and how much you will watch. then get into your cozy bed and snuggle with your teddies. have a hot tea/milk and a hot water bottle. write how you feel in your journal (just a little scribble, no need for neatness) and read until your tired. fall asleep AND DONT TOUCH YOUR PHONE its you enemy! 

right its 11.30pm now. i should go to bed. night! ill be back with more tips and another routine tomorrow 

see you then xoxo

[ironwoman18]

Rather Be - Part 11

Chapter 11: Family Vacations x Mission

The next morning after father's day Twilight woke up early in the morning and stood up to make breakfast and wake Anya up for school.

But in his encrypted machine, a message had been printed.

He read it.

Come to WISE HQ, it's important.

He sighed and put on sweatpants, a shirt and running shoes. He left a note saying that went out to do exercises.

Then he got out of the house and he ran to the headquarters. He was wondering what would be so important for them to summon him there at six thirty in the morning.

When he arrived he went to the Handler’s office and after a soft knock he walked in.

“Good morning Twilight” she said smiling with a cup of coffee in her hand “how was father's day for our beloved Loid Forger?”

“It was pretty good. You can see I'm wearing what Anya made for me." She looked at the beautiful shirt with drawings from a little kid and her heart was melting.

“It's an adorable gift, I bet she made it at school” he nodded and she smiled more “yeah... Schools love to do that kind of thing” she had memories of her daughter doing that kind of thing for her and her husband but she had to stop the memories before an unwanted visitor ran down her cheeks “ok changing the subject, we have a new mission for you. It's a the south of Ostania, you have to infiltrate in the hotel room of the leader of a more aggressive section of the Red Circus and steal documents that could lead us to discover if they plan to do a terrorist attack”

“Ok, understood, when? And who's my target?”

“His name is Vladimir Gaunt. He's this man” she pointed at the photo of a big fat man with a terrific smiles and eyes of a man ready to kill thousand of people, he had short blond hair and green eyes and he wasn't very tall but his presence was intimidating “he isn't like the man who kidnapped Anya's bus. He's capable of killing if you speak too loud to him”

“Yeah I can tell by his body expression”

“About when... You will have to leave tomorrow and this mission should be completed in four days and three nights” Twilight looked at her confused and his boss handed him a brochure of the hotel “you and your family will go there for that amount of time”

“That's a terrible idea, how can I do the mission with Anya and Yor with me?”

“You are a smart man, you will figure it out. I had to do it that way since the hotel doesn't accept individuals, just families. But don't worry. We have the perfect excuse. You won it thanks to your hard work at the hospital and because of your birthday” she smiled devilishly at him and he was nervous “by the way... Twilight, I think it's the first time you added personal information in one of your covers”

“I wanted to have a real reason to celebrate it. I didn't want to put up a fake date, meaningless to me”

“I understand... I used a piece of personal information in my cover as Sylvia. Of course I won't tell but it's something important to me. We always try to have a piece of reality in this terrible and nameless work” she said, taking a sip of her coffee “Since it is in three days you will celebrate it with them in that hotel. All charges are covered, you will have all the foods without extra charge and drinks, please don't get drunk. It would be embarrassed” she smirked knowing he can't get drunk easily, he has a high tolerance to the alcohol after all “have fun, now you may go”

He sighed and nodded, holding the information about the hotel and his cover for the mission in his hands, leaving the HQ. 

He ran back home, stopping by to buy some ingredients he needed for lunch. When he arrived Yor and Anya were already up and Yor was cooking. 

As the perfect planner he was, Loid planned the menu for them every week. That way each of them will know what they are going to eat from Monday to Sunday.

Also, that way he can go to the grocery store and get all he needs for the week. 

And that also helped Yor know what to cook in case he had these “emergency calls”, today they would eat hotcakes so that's what his wife cooked.

He smiled as he heard the “daddy!!” from Anya while she was running to him and hugged his leg.

“Good morning Anya” he ran his hand softly on her hair and Bond also looked for his hand and after both received a pat on their heads they ran back to the table.

“Good morning Loid. I saw the ingredients out and read the menu for today's breakfast. I hope I made them well” he looked at Anya eating and she had a smile on her face.

“Yes, it looks like you mastered them” he smiled and it made her blush and he could see her with teary eyes, something he found cute “I can keep going from here if you want to. I have an appointment later today”

“And my shift starts later today so I can do the laundry while you cook lunch for us” he nodded “I will get Anya ready”

“Ok I wanted to tell you both something but I will when Anya is ready” Yor nodded and left the kitchen to get the little girl ready.

He continues to cook starting long in the meantime.

When Anya was ready, he walked to them and put a letter in her hand “Anya, you are going to give this to your teacher. I won a prize for being the doctor of the month and for my birthday so we will be leaving for a four day trip to the south. If you need a letter for your job just tell me Yor”

“And I have to do a spy mission there,” thought Loid, making Anya excited.

“That sounds awesome! I think my boss won't have much trouble with my absence these days” she said with a big smile.

Then Yor took Anya downstairs to get her into the bus to school while Loid ate then he continued to cook their lunch.

Yor arrived a couple of minutes late and started to do the laundry and cleaning the apartment.

After finishing the laundry she took a shower and changed into her uniform then headed to the kitchen and since it was noon they ate together and they went together to the train station and took the train to their destinations.

The rest of the day was busy for both of them. Yor told her boss about Loid's prize and that she will be out of town for four days.

He accepted her absence but in exchange she will have to deal with a couple of missions as Thorn Princess when she returns from this unexpected vacation.

Meanwhile Loid used his time to memorize the faces of his bodyguards, the map of the hotel and the information about his target.

Also he had some patients as part of his cover. 

At night the marriage met on the train back home and she found out he brought two new suitcases for them, because the ones they had were awful.

When they arrived Anya was at the neighbors’ house, doing homework and working on her handwriting.

While Yor opened their apartment’s door, Loid knocked on their neighbor’s to pick her up.

“Thank you so much for having her while we were gone” said Loid to Granny Barbara and Anya hugged his leg.

“It's always a pleasure to have her here. She's a funny girl and behaves like a normal child” said the old lady smiling at Anya “she's getting better at writing. It's slow but this old book is working”

“That's good news” said Loid, smiling big “good night Mrs Barbara” and they both left. 

Bond barked happily at them and licked Anya's cheek. Loid smiled and walked to the kitchen and found Yor starting to cook dinner.

Loid went to take a shower then prepared his suitcase and helped Anya with her clothes, putting them in the suitcase she will share with Yor.

After that they sat down and ate dinner together sharing stories of their day as usual.

Then Loid sent Anya to brush her teeth while he helped Yor wash the dishes and finally she went to Anya’s bedroom to read her a story. When she fell asleep, Yor went to her bedroom to get everything done for the next day.

The next morning after breakfast Loid left Bond at Frankie and he looked too happy to have Bond with him which was suspicious but he let it go for his inner peace.

He met with his wife and daughter and the three of them left to take the train. It would take them most of the day but they will be comfortable there.

Loid was reading, Anya was playing with her toys and Yor was also reading. They had lunch and by five they arrived at their hotel.

The weather in the south was hotter than Berlint but Loid found it nice, he liked the cold weather but the change was welcomed.

When they walked in the hotel he went straight to the reception.

“Excuse me... I'm Loid Forger and these are my wife, Yor, and my daughter, Anya. We have a reservation” the young woman at the reception nodded kindly and checked their names.

“Ok Mr. Forger. You have a reservation for four days and three nights in one of our suits. You will have today's dinner and the last day’s breakfast included in your plan” she said reading the notes “and the hospital asked us to give you a special gift since the 19th will be your birthday” 

“Oh my... They did? I'm embarrassed now” said him blushed and rubbing his neck softly “well thank you” he said then the girl looked at him and answered in code.

“Yes sir but don't worry it will be a nice surprise in your room” 

Twilight your target is on the fifth floor. The documents are in his safe box.

“Oh thank goodness. I'm not used to this surprises”

Ok, I understood that. Do you have any clue what the password is?

“I'm sure you will love it, mister,” she smiled.

No sir. But The Handle is expecting you to get that info.

Twilight just nodded, faking a kind smile and got his keys and a copy for Yor. 

“Room 305, have a nice night Mr. Forger” he nodded and walked to his family.

“Let's go to our room and let's have something for dinner” he said and they left for their room.

The place was huge and with separate beds for them. One was bigger but he gave it to the girls, he would use the little one.

There was a TV so Anya wouldn't lose her favorite show. It has a little table and chairs, the bathroom was huge with a bathtub and a shower. 

On the table was a basket with fruits, some chocolates and a brochure with the activities for the week.

After setting everything up they went to the restaurant and had dinner watching the pool and the sea a little further from where they were.

A soft wind was blowing and it was calm and nice so Yor and Anya decided to walk around the place to see what it has, even when it was dark outside.

Meanwhile Loid stayed in talking to one of the waiters and part of WISE about his target, he told his family he will be talking about the hours of breakfast, lunch and dinners and how the room service works.

Your target is normally at the pool in the morning, said the waiter in code so only Twilight could understand him and the boy handed him a brochure about the restaurant.

Twilight nodded, faking a kind smile understanding what he said and left the restaurant to find Anya in Yor's arms at the reception.

“I'm sorry I couldn't be with you, but I needed to ask a few things”

“It's ok Loid” she said smiling “tomorrow we will have a good day” he nodded and they left to their room.

Yor changed Anya into her pajamas and Yor changed too, then she laid next to her daughter and almost immediately she fell asleep.

Loid looked at both of them and smiled, he liked to see them like that, at peace and trusting him.

He decided to go to sleep later that night after pondering everything the receptionist and waiter told him earlier.

The next they woke up and got ready. It was the first time in almost a year that Loid wasn't cooking their breakfast which feels weird but he deserved some rest.

He puts on the shorts he ended up buying at the cruise ship. Yor put on a red bathing suit and a white dress on it and Anya had a kids bathing suit on that protects her from sun burns.

They went down to the restaurant and had breakfast. They ate waffles with cream and syrup. Loid had coffee with milk as well as Yor and Anya some juice.

After that they picked a table close to the kid's part of the pool and sat down. Loid took off his shirt first and Yor couldn't help but look at him.

She has never seen him shirtless back home and after their adventure at the cruise ship they wore special suits that covered their bodies, but now she had a full view and she had to admit, he looked pretty good. He had muscles but he wasn't buff, his abs were defined and his shoulders looked even better without the shirt.

Loid could feel her eyes and blushed slightly, Anya broke the moment by saying “mommy and daddy are flirting” 

“We are not!!” Said both of them blushing and Anya left with a little smirk knowing she was right about it.

They had been showing a lot of affection towards each other and she noticed it, she just enjoyed teasing him now and then.

Yor looked at Anya and her senses were on looking for possible threats when she saw her making a friend with other kids she relaxed and noticed that Loid was relaxing too.

They were both watching Anya with worried eyes.

She decided to take off her dress and it was Loid’s turn to look at her. He was aware of her beauty but bathing suits help you notice things that even a thigh dress couldn't.

He noticed her curves and he couldn't understand why this woman was single when he met her. She was kind and sweet but also beautiful and beyond stunning.

Yor felt his eyes, like that day at the tailor's shop, but this time she felt more exposed to him and felt suddenly ashamed. Loid noticed that and said in a soft voice “you are perfect, don't feel ashamed” 

She relaxed and sat down. And turned again to watch over Anya. Loid did the same but also he looked with angry eyes to any man brave enough to lay his eyes on her.

He felt a weird kind of possessiveness towards Yor now that could be normal if they were a real married couple but, they weren't but still he was jealous of other men looking at his wife.

Was his feelings for her real or just his natural competitive self? We're those feelings even there or just something in his mind?

He noticed that she also was giving some women a deadly look when they dared to look at him, was that something his mind fabricated? Was it even real?

The rest of the day was relaxed for the Forger. Yor and Anya played and swam in the pool, under the protective eyes of Loid. Loid joined Anya too and they even played games with the recreation crew of the hotel.

They had lunch by the pool and after resting for an hour, Anya joined her friends at the pool.

“This place is way more relaxing than the cruise ship,” said Yor.

“Yeah but I think your opinion is base on the fact that you were working, I couldn't relax much either with Anya jumping around but still it was fun”

She nodded and laughed softly. Yes, she was working and the only days she could relax was on the first day when Olka and her baby were out of the room to see the view with her, and the day at the island with her family.

She suddenly felt the need to held his hand “I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you, I missed you both all the time and had you in my mind all the time”

Loid blushes softly and squeezes her hand softly “it's ok, I understand that you were working and even when we missed you too, we were happy to know that we will see you sooner rather than later” she smiled and blushed too.

“Thank you, Loid” she said and before she was aware of what she was doing, she gave him a soft kiss on the cheek then ran away to play with Anya. This left him speechless. 

They had been sharing kisses on the cheek most recently but this one felt different and he didn't understand why. Maybe because he discovered new feelings towards her?

He suddenly felt cold and he noticed why, at the other side of the pool was his target, with three big men around him. His blue eyes were ice cold and he started to analyze the situation. 

He didn't noticed that Yor got tensed as well when those men arrived. Her senses were full on and noticing blood lust. They were hungry for killing but who? And why everytime she had a nice day she found these kinds of nasty people.

One of the WISE members approached the target and smoothly placed a microphone then another one close to Twilight offered something and hidden under a plate was a earphone to hear everything from that table.

Twilight could hear everything and took mental notes. He was focused on the mission right now and when he got what he needed to know he took off the earphone and the same waiter swiftly recovered the microphone.

His eyes were back on Yor and Anya who were in the pool playing, Loid was happy they didn't notice the silence exchange that just happened. He was dead wrong because Yor noticed their blood lust and Anya read his mind and Yor's mind, knowing everything and being excited about this new adventure.

The rest of the afternoon was tense with that man in front of Twilight. He could continue spying on him by reading his lips but also wanted to keep an eye on Anya and Yor.

At the end of the day everyone left for their rooms to take a shower and have dinner.

“It was fun!” Said Anya excited and happy “thank you daddy for being a good sp... Psychologist” 

“She still pronounced the beginning wrong” thought Loid and sighing.

“I'm just doing the best of me at my job” he smiled “just like you are doing with your homeworks” he congratulated her and she hugged him which caused Yor to have teary eyes. She loved to see them like this, it was adorable and made her think how of a good father he was.

After this beautiful moment, they took turns to take a shower. Yor and Anya first then Loid. They got dressed with light clothes and went down for dinner.

They ate and stayed for a little jazz concert close by the pool until Anya fell asleep  arms. He held her with one arm and held Yor's hand like they started to do, normally when they were alone or when Anya was asleep.

He smiled at her and she smiled back. Those light touches made her craving for more and for them to be longer. She got used to his touch and now she didn't even think about drinking alcohol to allow them to happen and sometimes she imagined how his lips could feel like to be on hers.

She didn't know this but he thought the same thing about her, he wanted longer touches of their hands and how her lipstick tasted.

After the concert the family returned to their room, laid Anya on the bed and went to sleep. Even Loid, who was supposed to write down the information, couldn't stop himself from falling asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow.

The next day was exactly the same, except it was his birthday so Yor woke up earlier and ordered their breakfast to be brought to their room. And she placed three presents on his bed.

One from Frankie, which was a beautiful watch that was also a secret gadget for his missions. Anya gave her a cup with the words “The best father” and drawings made by her.

Apparently, Yor contacted Anya's art teacher and asked him how they made her cup. He explained and Yor did the same with Anya at Camilla’s house. Loid didn't stand Camilla but he couldn't deny how helpful she had been.

Then her present, a travel-sized grooming kit, he was thankful because he actually needed one, he realized Yor asked Frankie because he told him about this.

Loid smiled and hugged both of them and kissed Yor's cheek and Anya's forehead then they ate happily and enjoyed their day like the one before.

At night they ate cake and the hotel crew sang the birthday song alongside his family and it was the best birthday he had since his mother died. 

At their room and with the thoughts of his mom still there, he allowed himself to have some tears and Yor just hugged him, Anya joined her and he let himself cry in front of someone. He was never this open with his emotions but with Yor and Anya, he was more open and dared to share them the true Twilight.

The third day there was his chance, he left Yor and Anya at the pool because he had to “go to the bathroom” and Yor was somehow happy it could also happen with others food not just hers, even though she knows her food wasn't the best.

Meanwhile Twilight met with his team and changed quickly into a waiter and they managed to infiltrate. Some waiter/ agents distracted his target while he found the safe box open and stole the information he needed. His new watch camera helped him and when he got everything he needed he left everything like it was before he walked in.

He was glad that he was lucky enough to find it open and he didn't have to guess the password even though he had a pretty good guess after spying on him for two straight days.

After that he returned and Anya read his mind and was disappointed that she didn't help him but he was a great spy after all.

That night was their last one so they spent it in their room watching movies and happy for their time together.

The next day they left the hotel. Twilight thanked his fellow agents and they were fanboying over him telling him how amazing he was. He smiled and left the south happy after completing his mission.

When they returned Anya got a visit from Becky who handed her her homework. Twilight gave the information to the Handler and Yor got the mission to kill Vladimir Gaunt, the same man Twilight stole the information from. He was back in Berlint and they asked her to eliminate the corrupt scum. 

When WISE found out about this assassination, they were in shock and in his documents they found out why.

He was selling secrets to other nations and building an empire of lies. It was clear someone contracted an assassin to eliminate him, but who? and who was this powerful assassin?

OOooOOooOO

This chapter took me forever to finish it. I wanted to write the mission and continue to build up their relationship. 

I hope you enjoyed it, it's a long chapter so it might compensate for the wait.

It was meant to be posted yesterday but I was sick and it was my mother's birthday.

[whentherewerebicycles]

I wake up multiple times at night (I have to pee all the time lol) but it’s usually pretty random except for my without-fail 4am wakeup. I have no idea what happens in my body or in my house at 4am but every night without fail I jolt awake, roll over to check my phone, and discover it is somewhere between 4:00 and 4:03am. SO WEIRD. anyway usually I put on a Calm recording and fall back asleep pretty fast but this morning I was awake for ages and now I am soooo sleepy. at least it’s a WFH day I guess. here goes:

6:30-8:30 work emails, write, send grant update, email BW

8:30-10 shower, breakfast, think about therapy goals

10-11 therapy

11-12am student presentation (put it on in the background and work on slides. do NOT overthink this do NOT get clever & creative just do the simplest version and get it done so I’m not scrambling tomorrow)

12-2 eat lunch, finish slides, take the dogs for a 30-40 min walk, follow up about website

2-3 leadership mtg

3-4 AU mtg

4-4:40 take dogs out, change into workout clothes, eat a quick snack

4:45-6 try out this weights class

watch the rest of the hockey game if it’s going well, quick shower, maybe make basil-ginger stir fry (or easy egg & avocado bagel sandwich?), write a bit hmm, read read read!

I am nervous but hopeful about the weights class! I really need to get back into a consistent exercise routine and if I can afford it/if it seems like a good class I would love to go 2-3x a week and then TRY to get myself to start jogging again. the short cold days combined with the fact that I’m still kinda dragging with light fatigue is making it real hard to get out there and get started. but ok baby steps baby steps.

[wanttobepr3tty]

Wednesday, 15th Feb

1. Breakfast

Skipped

2. Lunch

Egg sandwich & Milk tea

Calories: 405

3. Dinner

Electrolyte drink

Calories: 70

Total calories consumed: 475

After lunch I started my liquid fast, I plan to complete a 24 hour one sooo it's until tomorrow lunch. I fueled my body with electrolytes a while ago before bed to help my body function xd

You know what they say; skip dinner, wake up thinner. My weight hasn't changed at all the last few days and it's been frustrating me- maybe I'm just impatient. Anyway, I'm just trying to get used to not eating for longer periods so even when I do eat I won't over eat at all or at least not *that* much. Idk man it just makes sense in my head ok.

Today was at least productive, I was studying C# and a bit of game dev

Byee ily <3 I need to sleep,, can barely keep my eyes open rn. Apparently a good night's rest is beneficial for weight loss. Also my bf read me a bed time story he's so cute I feel bad for lying to him by saying that I didn't relapse bc he'll make me eat a lot and stuff my face like I know what I'm doing is bad for me but I want to keep doing it in peace

[berrypaws]

{It'll be all over.}

Tw:Bullying, implied abuse.

Oc story

Evans POV!:

I Wake up from my bed, still tired and exhausted. It's Friday, at least I'll be able to stay home tomorrow. I change my clothes before gently tapping on my brother Eli. He wakes up “5 more minutes…?” He whines “Eli, we need to arrive early Ok?” I say, tapping on him once more. He gets up reluctantly before changing his clothes. I go downstairs with both of our bags before sitting at the table for breakfast “Morning mom, morning dad.” I greet them before they wave back and serve our food. Although Eli's doesn't really look that appetizing and seems to be a lot less than mine. I don't really get that hungry so I decide to give Eli some of my food before he quickly eats it “Thank you Evan!” He grins, I give a small smile back. It always makes me glad knowing my brother is safe and happy. We patiently wait for the bus before stepping on and sitting down “Good morning you Alex, Morning Aiden.” I smile and wave to our two friends “Morning guys!” Aiden smiles. “Morning..” Alex says, he looked rather tired and bored so it's best I don't bother him. “Guys! Look at my cool new hair clip!” Eli says, showing off a cool new pink butterfly hair clip. I hear two boys and 1 girl snickering in the back “Is he really wearing a pink butterfly hair clip…isn't he a boy?” The girl snickers “He's a freak man. A total loser. He acts so childish…like grow up.” The boy laughs, I turn to them annoyed “Do you have something to say?” I stare at them as intimidatingly as possible, they slump back into their seats scared before I turn around and snicker. Always afraid to say something to someone's face huh… that's what makes people pathetic. Once we get off the bus and into our respective classrooms I take off my bag and hang it on my coat hanger. I take my books and pencil case out “good morning Ms.” I say. Once she takes the attendance I listened to her science lesson. She hands out a worksheet to the class and I begin to do it, it's pretty easy at first but I'm not that confident. Once I hand the worksheet in I wait for the bell to ring, I decide to drift off the sleep while waiting….

—>>>timeskip..

I wake up to the sound of the bell chirping. I walk outside excited to see Eli again, But that smile quickly fades once I see him being shoved around by the children from the bus along with a couple more kids. He seems to be bleeding, must've hurt him rather bad. “LET HIM GO!” I sprint over quickly to the group of people “No way, he deserves it. You can't make us.” So they want a challenge huh….okay I'll give them a challenge. I proceed to knock one over roughly before tackling another person. “ILL MAKE YOU REGRET THAT!” I shout, angered that they even think about laying their hands on my little brother. One manages to kick me hard and I wince in pain, I can't and shouldn't give up. I grab one by the wait and put my arm around their throat. “So, will you leave him alone?” I say, making sure to sound threatening. Scaring people is quite fun.. most of this boys gang are down so it's just him. I tighten my grip around his neck “WILL YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE? OR WILL I HAVE TO TAKE IT EXTREME?” I shout. A teacher comes over before grabbing me off the boy and dragging me to the office. “We are going to Inform your parents about this.” She says “MY parents don't care.” I shot back at her. She dials the number to my parents before i pick up the phone “Kids were bullying Eli. I had to hurt them.” I said, the teacher was already out of the room “You don't have to defend that little runt sweetheart.” she says softly “I heard your gonna get detention for today…” she adds “I don't care. I'm fine.” I say before saying goodbye and putting down the phone…Looks like all there is to do now is just wait till schools over…there's nothing exciting..

—--->>>> timeskip again.

Once we are at home my mother looks at Eli angrily “You little runt…your brother got in trouble trying to defend you today.” She starts going off about how she hates Eli and insulting him. She's about to raise her hand at him before I grab it “MOM! Don't touch him please…I don't want him to get hurt..” I beg her before she turns away “Fine…only because you said so.” She mumbles. At that moment Eli seems to break down crying “I'm sorry! You got detention because of me…I'm sorry..” He cried “Eli, don't cry. It's NOT your fault Ok? It was those stupid…those stupid bullies..” I firmly put my hand on his shoulder to comfort him. Poor Eli, he didn't deserve all this…

Next time I catch them it'll be over for them. Just watch

Wahhhh! Thank you for reading this rushed and horribly written story. I'll maybe release some more today or this weekend if I feel like it>_<

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1999 Although life is still good overall, things weren’t too great last night and earlier today.

I was able to fall asleep sooner than I thought I would last night, but I kept waking up all through the night.

I’m surprised I forgot to mention what happened yesterday afternoon. It could’ve been worse than it was, but instead, it turned out to be pretty funny. We locked ourselves out of the trailer and couldn’t jimmy the lock with a credit card. Luckily, though, Tom had his pants with the keys in their pocket by a window, and he was able to pop the screen and reach through to get them.

We’re at the La Quinta now, but I’m too tired to get into it now, so I will later. I’m just gonna read for now.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1999 We got new camera batteries today and I took more pictures of the land, trailer, and animals.

Tom told me he’d prefer to wait till tomorrow to screw cuz he feels more comfortable in a hotel. That’s fine, but I don’t understand why when you only like to screw for 2-3 minutes. I spend 10 minutes hardening him up by hand (although he gets hard right away) then we screw for a couple of minutes, so why we need a hotel for that beats me. I can see if you wanted to screw for at least 10 minutes, but he prefers quickies.

I may not write long, cuz I can’t see well cuz our battery needs charging. The toilet barely flushes and the lights are so dim that I’m using one of our kick-ass flashlights.

Later…

Tom went out and charged the battery, so now the lights are plenty bright enough to read and write. He used jumper cables and charged the trailer’s battery with the car. God only knows I’ll be up late tonight because as I was starting to say, for some reason I was beat. Yesterday I woke up really tired, even though it quickly passed. Then last night I crashed earlier than the usual midnight I normally crash at. I was out by 10:00. I woke up for an hour or so during the night, then I slept till 9:15 when the guinea pig decided it was time to serve him breakfast. I set my clock for 8:15, but for some reason, it never went off. Anyway, I was still a bit groggy. Then Tom got in a few minutes later and he crashed and I dozed off yet again for a while. So it’s gonna be a bitch getting to sleep tonight, and I’ll be getting up an hour or two earlier than usual once Tom gets up. His movements wake me up if his snoring doesn’t.

I took some pictures after dark of the distant city lights, all the beautiful stars, and the planet Jupiter. Of course, I won’t know how well they came out till I get them displayed on the computer. This digital camera sure beats other cameras, though. I started with nearly 90 pictures and I now have 55 left I can take. You sure don’t get that many with a regular camera.

Anyway, at about 2:00 this afternoon we headed out to a sit-down restaurant, which would’ve been OK if it weren’t so noisy. I had Chinese people gabbing really loud next to me. I don’t know why those who don’t speak English feel the need to shout when they talk. Then minutes later, a couple of loud kids came in behind me. They could’ve been worse, but again, Mommy didn’t even try to calm them down. A simple “shhh” would’ve been nice. I wonder why restaurant employees don’t even do anything. You’d think they’d think that maybe other diners were annoyed, and ask the parents to take some responsibility for controlling their own kids in public.

After eating we went into a Petco. I got rat/mice food, a cute little wooden log for the mice to burrow in, and another little mouse wheel. Of course, sometimes two mice still like to wheel on one wheel.

After Petco, we hit Circle K in Maricopa and picked up batteries, double mocha coffee, and some orange juice so I could take a water pill.

Again, it’s been another quiet day and night. I only heard barking once in the morning for a few minutes, and again at sundown. And these dogs wouldn’t have been heard in the house.

A big smile came to my face when I thought of all the company the nearest houses had to have had since we’ve been here that I didn’t have to hear. I no longer have to know they exist! Neighbors' company is no longer my company, too. I’ve only heard one car door since being here. The one visiting next door that mysteriously parked between our properties and only cuz I was standing outside.

I know it won’t always be this way, but I intend to enjoy every day of peacefulness God will allow me to have until he takes it away from me.

It’s also nice to know that holidays are no longer something to stress out over. If neighbors party - so what? It won’t be my party too, like it or not. They can’t force their shit on me unless they were to blare a car stereo, but remember, they’re not into that here. They want to hide from people and life in general, not be in the spotlight. You want to be noticed, you want to be on stage, here’s not the place to be for that.

Lastly, before I read for a while, Deb and company had to have gotten my mail by now so long as there wasn’t any “divine interference” of any kind. God could’ve made sure it got to our old place, for all I know. The H's seem like the type to give it to next door, though, if they did get it. Speaking of them - what’s the story? We haven’t gotten a bill from them or heard anything about the side mess, so does this mean that they’re not gonna take our offer and that all they wanted to do was bitch about it?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1999 Desert Winds is really living up to her name today, fortunately, or else it’d be a bit toasty in here. I’m lying on my bed topless, enjoying the breeze coming in from the window right by me.

It’s quiet out there, but that’s to be expected in the middle of the afternoon. Dogs and people won’t be heard till the sun starts setting, and they’ll go on till 9:00-10:00.

Now, here’s the best news of the day: I got one new rat and three new mice! I’ll expand later.

Later…

That’s weird. You mean I could take the heat and he couldn’t? That’s a first. He’s not only a native, but I’m usually more sensitive to temperature than he is. He was going to take a nap but said he was too hot to sleep, so he fired up the generator so we could run the AC.

Hilda, Steven’s assistant, gave us the number to Palm Harbor’s factory so we could set up a tour appointment. Tom spoke to the guy he was referred to and was told we could go there Monday at 10:00 and see our house which will be half done by then! I guess that means they started building it today. Can’t wait! It’ll be interesting to see what it’ll look like half done.

After the continental breakfast at the hotel, and then a stop at the fast-food drive-through, we went to a pet store that was either in Mesa or Phoenix. I’m not sure which. They had a ton of Fancy mice and rats! They even had animals I’d never heard of before, like some weird-looking gerbil-like animals.

I originally wanted this gray rat, which the girl tried to claim was blue, but it was a female, so I got this cute little black rat. Actually, he’s dark brown. Darker than Porky, who I call Vanilla Belly these days. He has the same white hands and feet as Vanilla Belly, but he doesn’t have a patch on his belly.

He’s an energetic little guy, and I sure hope he’ll be big enough to live in their wire cage!

Anyway, the rats all get along with each other really well.

They had more variety of colors and markings than I’ve ever seen before with rats and mice. Got three mice - Mocha, Butter Rum, and Oreo. Oreo’s a black and white timid mouse who I doubt is pregnant. Butter Rum, who really has more of a butter rum, butterscotch color than Butterscotch the rat, who I call Polar Bear these days, could be pregnant, but I’m not sure. Mocha, the bravest mouse of all, is definitely pregnant and should deliver in around 10-15 days. Mocha’s colors resemble that of a wild mouse and an all-brown Fancy mouse like Cocoa was. She has a mix of different browns, and I personally think she’s the nicest looking. I have quite a variety of mice colors: white, brown, black, and gold. The rats have brown, crème, and white. They all have three different shades of brown, though.

I can’t wait to take pictures of them, get them set up in the house, etc.!

Oh, I forgot to mention that the house will be delivered on the 4th.

Later…

I am utterly amazed that I haven’t heard a sound yet. No dogs, no voices, just that engine.

I had to rescue Ratsy earlier, who got stuck in his wheel. The poor guy started squealing and was pinned between the wheel’s stand and support bar.

The mice are as cute to watch as the rats. Maybe even cuter. There’s only one little wheel in there since I didn’t know I’d be getting this trio before getting into the house. Sometimes there are up to three mice tumbling in it at once. Sometimes two mice run together side by side. Sometimes they squabble for no apparent reason, yet they don’t fight over food.

Butter Rum, whose fur looks gold in dim light, may or may not be pregnant, but Oreo and Mocha are for sure. At first I didn’t think Oreo was, as young as she is, but she is.

A little while ago Tom got us dinner at Dairy Queen. Their burgers are great.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1999 We’re back at the Hampton, and Tom just went to bed.

I slept OK last night, got up at 8:00, then went to Casa Grande when he got in shortly afterward. I didn’t realize just how many papers there were to sign!

After getting a baked potato at Wendy’s, we decided to skip going to Palm Harbor’s factory since it was out of the way, and just come here to the hotel.

In order to get the top floor, which is something I always prefer, we had to take a smoking room. So, we’re on the 6th floor, the hotel’s only smoking floor, and man is it quiet. This is definitely the best place so far, but it is a bit early still. The closest rooms to us are right next door (I forgot some doors are next to each other here) and the two across from us. There’s no one on one side of us cuz there are vending machines there. Well, I don’t have to describe the place since we’ve been here before.

I brought bottled water to run through their coffeemaker to heat up water so I can have coffee that doesn’t taste like it’s laced with bleach.

Soon I’ll go enjoy a nice hot, relaxing bath in their nice clean modern tub which is identical to the Red Roof’s. Yeah, they have some of the same things. Same digital alarm clocks, same tubs, same lamps, same AC units. But unlike Red Roof, they’re serving cookies at 4:00, which I’ll go help myself to.

Sometime after 8:00, I’ll get him up to go to Denny’s.

Look at this! He’s not snoring at all. But if I were trying to sleep, he’d be snoring like hell! I’m hoping we can find a battery-operated sound machine by the weekend, so I won’t have to listen to his snoring while I’m trying to sleep.

From about sunset at 6:00 to about 9:00 or 10:00 is the noisiest time on our land. That’s when the dogs are barking. It still beats Phoenix!

Believe it or not, we don’t have to pay flood insurance at the new place even though there are three washes, possibly four, going through our land, yet we had to in a flat subdivision in Phoenix! And next door’s house wasn’t considered a flood zone. I think I’ll go take my bath now.

Later…

Ate a can of fish I brought, took my bath, and now I’m just gonna relax till it’s cookie time. I have three basic things to do…listen to tunes, read, or write.

We have our doubts that the house can be delivered on the 1st cuz we didn’t sign the papers till today. The good news, though, is that the house has to be there and ready for us by December 1st.

Tom’s still being as quiet as I wish he’d be when asleep all the time.

Although I no longer want a child, it bothers me to know that if I’d been naïve all along, and didn’t know he didn’t cum (especially during the first few years of marriage when we were “trying” to get me pregnant), he’d never have discussed it. Nor would he ever bring up fertility testing if I hadn’t. Just the fact that he’d never have come out and admitted to his not cumming, if he saw I didn’t know it and didn’t question it, bothers me. I just knew in my gut that he’d lie when it came to sex and stuff like that, and that’s why I did my little test about a year ago. The one where I’d make comments about us having so-called normal sex that he wouldn’t deny.

Although I don’t appreciate the dishonesty, at least I no longer want a child or care if he cums. As long as he’s happy, which he truly has to be, or else he’d complain and see a doctor. So, at least I can rest assured that he wants to be the way he is and that he’s perfectly OK with it. He wouldn’t have put up with it this long without liking things the way they are. I just think he should’ve leveled with me a little more, and from the get-go, although he did try to tell me, in his own way, by dropping certain comments, that he’d rather not have a child. I just didn’t want to hear or accept it at the time, although my journals will tell you that I’ve known all along when you read about all his resistance and his lack of appetite.

Having a low drive may truly be a part of him, but he didn’t have to live turned off cuz of his fears if he’d only been firmer. I’d have given in for him. Well, at least we’re on the same side now, and birth control and lack of cumming, and infrequent sex no longer matter.

Trio 2 is a good CD, but not as good as the one they did 10 years ago (Linda, Dolly, & Emmylou).

What a difference in how my life was when the first Trio album was released! All alone and broke, rotting away with no life whatsoever in a project in Mass. Just thinking of it makes me cringe! All the depression, frustration, anger, helplessness, and hopelessness I felt!

Well, I’ll finish up my before-the-house writing in my big blue book.

Later…

I hate it when one person says one thing and another says another thing. So cookie time isn’t really at 4:00. It’s at 5:00.

I couldn’t get out of the room cuz the inside latch got stuck and I had to get Tom up to figure out how to get it unstuck, and the poor guy bashed his fingers in the process. At least he was able to return to bed.

Well, I guess I’ll read till 5:00. Why are they serving cooking at dinner time, though?

Later…

Those cookies were great! I thought they’d be store-bought, but they were home-baked oatmeal raisin cookies. I couldn’t get any for Tom, cuz he hates raisins. I’m not overly fond of them myself, but I’m willing to pick them out and east the few I can’t.

What’s going on now? It was quiet all day, but now I hear a ton of door slamming. Can’t people make up their minds - in or out? Well, it is prime time for that, and technically, it’d be quiet enough come bedtime to sleep without the fan, but I’d rather not.

I almost had someone let me in here so I wouldn’t wake Tom again, but I finally got in after fighting with this so-called key. Red Roof has the better key. You slip a key-like thing in, it beeps, and you’re in. This thing, a piece of plastic like a credit card, doesn’t always release the door lock.

In disguised handwriting, I’m sending Bob a “death” letter rather than just disappearing. That way he’ll tell Kim. I could care less what Bob thinks, but I’d rather Kim think I died than that I dumped her. I didn’t literally “dump” her. I just moved on without giving her a way of keeping in touch. She’s just too far away and I felt it best not to bother. What kind of friendship can we really have anyway, with us on opposite sides of the country?

Anyway, in the letter, I claim to be Tom’s sister, reporting to a list of friends we left, that we died in a car wreck.

Later…

Tom and I walked across to Denny’s a while ago. He got a burger and I got a pot roast.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1999 Been writing journals for 12 years now.

Last night was the best I’d slept in quite a while. I slept straight through from 12:30 to 7:00, then I dozed till 8:00. I’m sure having the fan helped, or else I’d have woken up many times in between.

Tom should be here any time now.

Today we’ll be going to Casa Grande to sign some papers.

I let Tom get caught up on his sleep last night, and while he slept, I read 110 pages in my book, between writing and listening to music.

When Tom got up, he went to Circle K and got himself a hot dog, and me a brownie and some coffee. Shortly after, he went to Whataburger and got himself some fries, and me some chicken strips. Then he left and I conked out.

When I got up, I headed down to the lobby for the continental breakfast. As figured, they didn’t have as big of a selection, but what I got was still sufficient enough. I got a blueberry muffin and some coffee. Some apple juice, too.

I guess Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, will be the nights we stay in hotels.

After I finish this book, I’m gonna use my big, unlined sketchbook to finish up the time before the house. There’s no way I could fill up the whole book, and if I did, that’d mean we ran into a serious problem getting into the house.

Yesterday was pretty cloudy from the time I got up till we checked in here, and even afterward, too. It was a nice break from the usual glaring sun. If it actually rained, I wouldn’t know.

Later…

Tom just called. Says he’ll be here in 10 minutes and will call Casa Grande to make sure we can get out there today. I hope so! They can’t do the house without payments or signatures, and that house is due on the 1st. Less than a week!

We’re gonna check on the animals first since it’s on the way. Tom made a good suggestion last night - that I pop some popcorn in Circle K’s microwave as a treat for the animals. They certainly can’t have a whole bag, though, so I’ll eat most of it as I usually do and give them the rest.

Later…

I gave the animals their popcorn, changed their cages, and Tom called Casa Grande. We couldn’t sign the papers today, so we made an appointment for 10:00 tomorrow.

We went to Casa Grande today anyway, to do other things. It took us 10 minutes to get to Stanfield, and another 10 to get to Casa Grande. On our way, we went up to the higher desert which was even nicer than our land cuz it had saguaros and better mountain views. Yeah, life’s always about second best, but hey, it sure beats Phoenix!

It’s been dead quiet here ever since we returned at 4:00, but it’s a little too early for dogs and voices. It’s still pretty warm out there.

Anyway, we went to a Laundromat which was overrun with wild loud Mexicans, and walked to a furniture store with a pesky saleswoman while our clothes washed. After they dried, we went to a pet store. Large Fancy rats and Fancy mice are so hard to find. They did have small rats and Egyptian spiny mice that were cute, but probably too aggressive.

Then, we went to pick up the prescriptions I ordered, then to Arby’s drive-through. Lastly, we picked up a few things at a grocery store and drove by Palm Harbor’s factory where our house will be built. I’d love to see them build it, or at least give us a tour, so we’re gonna stop in there tomorrow.

We’ve also got to stop in the center of Maricopa to check out a truck I had a hot vibe on as we were passing by.

I’d go outside to read, but there are just too many damn flies. How sad, huh? If it isn’t noise, it’s flies. Does something not want me outdoors much? Well, I’ve never been that outdoorsy, anyway.

I still don’t understand why next door parked on the service road in between our properties. Even if they did have a ton of company, there’s plenty of room on 10 acres to park vehicles. I’d say, though, that no, they’re not Mexicans. They’re just not loud enough. I don’t hear any kids or music.

It’s amazing how much has changed since we moved. I’m not the talkaholic I was, Tom’s more talkative, and even the pig is, too. I don’t expect anything to change in bed, but I’d be lying if I said I wanted it to. I love Tom and I want to be with him forever, but nothing beats fantasy.

I wonder how long the sawdust will stay where it is? Both times I changed their cages, I dumped the sawdust by the front of the wash.

Later…

I don’t believe it. I just don’t fucking believe it! Then again, I can believe it. I’ve already heard someone’s music, but I don’t know if it was from a car or a house. At first I thought it was from next door, and I had heard voices from somewhere around here earlier, but it was coming from the opposite direction. It lasted 5 minutes and may’ve been country music. I highly doubt I could’ve heard it in a dual-paned windowed house, but just the fact that I did hear it tells me something. It tells me I’m still a magnet for noise. I mean, this is a totally nasty sign. You’re not supposed to hear that shit out here. We’re in the middle of the fucking desert, for Christ’s sake! Well, it still beats Phoenix, that’s for sure, cuz in Phoenix, you could hear them over loud fans.

The sunset dog barking was pretty mild this evening. There’s only one dog I’d die having next to me, cuz it has a very whiny, shrilly bark. Its yipping sounds more like shrieking.

Later…

Yes, other than the few shrieks I heard, and the music, it’s been a quiet, pleasant evening so far. That diesel engine hasn’t started up yet. That starts closer to 7:30, I think.

I went for a little stroll around the grounds earlier and for the first time in ages, I thought - wouldn’t it be nice to have a cigarette now? I like to keep my hands busy, which is kind of hard to do when you’re walking. I’d be terrified to live out here if I still smoked, though (it’s been 2 years now!). There’s no way they could rescue me in time and save me from the deadly attacks I used to have.

I still can’t believe I heard music, even though I can believe it at the same time, and even though I know my presence here will mean hearing more and more of that, I thought people out here wanted to be ignored. I thought they didn’t want attention.

Tomorrow night’s my pick, and I vote we return to the Hampton. We just may not get a room on the end like last time. I liked how their doors weren’t right smack next to each other like the Red Roof’s were, and like most hotels/motels are.

Tonight we’re gonna do what we did two nights ago; I’ll get him up when I’m ready for bed. Then he’ll go doze off or play computer games in the car till it’s time for him to head to work.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1999 We’re in the Red Roof Inn right now. He’s sound asleep. The place isn’t as nice or as quiet as the Hampton Inn was, but it’s cheaper, and I’ve got my fan this time around. I may be sleeping at night these days, but what’s to say someone won’t slam a door an hour or two before I’d like to get up?

At least their water’s almost hot enough for my instant coffee.

Yesterday, I did manage to get more sleep, but I could’ve used even more. I woke up half a dozen times or so but was able to fall back to sleep. I crashed at around 11:30, and Velvet decided that at 8:30 he’d waited enough for his carrot. So he squealed for me, I got up and fed the animals, then waited for Tom.

Someone cut their hair while sitting in this chair, cuz there are hairs at the sides of the chair.

This place’s negs are that they have the same dark, dull colors (I guess they feel it’ll hide spills and stuff like that better), and there’s a lot more door-slamming.

Despite it being smaller, less attractive, and bangier, it’s suitable enough. If I can’t even sleep with the fan on, then no.

Tom was sweet enough to leave the trailer at 10:30 last night, so I couldn’t hear him or feel his movements. He dozed in the car a few more hours before work. He was pretty beat when he got to the trailer just before noon. But he called and found that our loan on the new house has gone through (I knew it would), we went to Denny’s, then to the post office where I got my two CDs.

Ashton-Drake never sent that pen and yearly planner like they said they were for ordering over $75 of stuff, so I’ll call them if we still haven’t gotten it in a week or so. I want it for Tom.

Anyway, we checked in here on the 3rd of 4 floors by 1:30, then he showered and crashed. I’m gonna try staying up till 11:00-midnight so he can have time to get caught up. Thank God he’s on nights throughout all this so I can have some nights where I can sleep without his snoring.

I also like the idea of doing the hotel scene every other day, so we can rotate between days where we have a decent shower, and where I can go to sleep not having to worry about doors slamming.

It was dead quiet from the time I got up and left the land. I’m sure it was quiet all night too, seeing how I slept. Like I said, it’s just late afternoons/early evenings that will have dogs barking. I just hope most of them stay off in the distance, but at least they can’t get within a few feet.

Later…

I’m listening to my new Heart CD as I write.

I crept out in search of food. Even though Tom told me to wake him if I got hungry, I want him to catch up on his sleep, so I found a vending machine in the lobby and got something for him for when he gets up.

They don’t give skin lotion, shampoo, or laundry bags here, and they certainly don’t have irons and ironing boards. No coffee maker, either. Just soap, toilet paper, towels, and the usual basics.

As I said, I hear a lot more door-slamming here because, with their lower rates, it’s bound to be full compared to the other place, so more people will be coming and going. Sleeping at night with the fan should be OK, though, but if it’s not, we won’t stay here again.

Friday and Saturday nights, we want to spend at the trailer or else we’ll really have to deal with a lot of people and noise, no matter where we go. I’d rather listen to Tom’s snoring than people banging.

I also heard what I think was the housekeeper vacuuming the hallway which took forever.

I realized something pretty sick and rather sad the other day. After one of his visits to his mother, I had asked what the latest gossip and complaint about me was. He said nothing was said to him because they know he’ll tell me. That’s when it hit me - Evie told his mom who told Tom cuz she knew he’d tell me, and that’s what she wanted. What a wimp you are, Ev! What a sneaky way to get someone to do something you don’t have the guts to do, and why is she such a coward, anyway? That sly, little deceptive shit!

Speaking of shits, the shit black in Phoenix will hear from me tomorrow at the earliest, and Friday at the latest. Enjoy your reading material, you fucker! I wonder what blacks or Mexicans are next to me tonight. A white guy is across the hall.

I sent the excellent ratings I gave the Hampton, and this place will get a ‘fair’ report card. I mentioned the hair, cobweb, and door-slamming (there’s a huge cobweb over the door). The hair and cobwebs are nothing, though. I’m just an observant person, and they asked. I’ll leave the card in the room, as well as a page from here which I had been writing notes on.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1999 We’re now on our way to Mel’s, after having lunch at IHOP. I got pancakes, eggs, and undercooked bacon.

The hotel was the best we’ve stayed at since we’ve known each other, but his snoring’s really been robbing me of sleep. I guess for now we’re gonna stay in hotels every other day. Tonight we’ll be in the trailer, and thankfully he won’t be in at 6:30 snoring. So now just the animals can wake me up. Or my having to pee. Or just because. I really don’t think I’m gonna be able to sleep 8 hours straight through till after we get into the house, but at least I’m not sick. I still don’t wheeze, my lungs are OK, I’m just tired.

He won’t get back till around noon tomorrow, which is good, but he won’t be leaving till around 12:30 tonight. Much later than I want to be up, but hopefully, he won’t wake me up if I fall asleep before he leaves.

Their complimentary breakfast was good. They had a good selection.

Later…

We’re now at Mel’s. At least we got here only 20 minutes early and not 45.

Anyway, the only noise I heard at the hotel was the housekeeper bopping around at 8:30, but if I had slept longer, I wouldn’t have slept past 8:30 anyhow.

After this, we’re gonna go straight to the trailer where I’m gonna be lazy for the rest of the day.

I forgot to add that the hotel was much darker at night than that dive in Snotsdale was. Also, it had a flat carpet. The carpet in the trailer, which is a yellow/gold color, is plush.

Later…

Went to my appointment, but haven’t mailed the bitch’s mail yet. We will within the next few days. We were just so beat and we wanted to get back to the trailer as soon as we could.

I’ll also be mailing a little survey the hotel provided. I gave them excellent ratings. Tom liked how I put “lots” next to “position.” Well, I do lots of things.

I told Mel I was gonna stick with her at least for a while. She said, “Good.” Also, that purple was my color (I was wearing a purple dress). The doctor came in and tightened my retainers, and I’ll see them again in 4 weeks.

Is there really no place on Earth that’s totally quiet? I guess no home is completely free of other people’s noise, or other people’s dog’s noise. If there is, God simply won’t allow it for me. Although there’s still no comparison to our old place, all the area’s dogs can really get to be a bit annoying at certain times of the day. Again, they’re nowhere near as loud as the collies, and we won’t hear them in a dual-paned windowed house, but once again, I can’t enjoy the outdoors in peace. I give up. I totally give up. This isn’t just one dog, either. It’s obvious there’s a kennel somewhere around here, or as Tom suggested, maybe racing dogs. There are at least three dogs that go on and on for hours, but there could also be a dozen of them. It’s hard to tell for sure, but there are a lot of them.

Also, I see new utility poles nearby. Tom said they may’ve always been there, and they’re still miles away. I’m pretty observant, though, and I think they’re the first sign of how I vibed the place would build up as soon as we got here.

He also reminded me that we could sell our land and house in a few years and make a ton of money so he doesn’t have to work and go 100 miles from people (we’d split the land into 4 properties). Yeah, but moving’s a bitch, I really want to stay here, and where would we go? God would only have someone and their dog move close enough to be a bother. And this is nothing. The barking’s gonna get almost as bad as Phoenix was once the surrounding properties get dogs. It’s better than those fucking stereos, though.

I thought I also heard screaming as if someone was getting attacked by these dogs, but I couldn’t be sure. These dogs have got to be a mile away, even though sound carries a little better out here cuz it’s so flat. Yeah, wait till the dogs get on all the surrounding properties as I said. The mountains are too far away to block sound, but we are gonna put up a block wall. Not as close to the house as in Phoenix so it doesn’t enhance sound, but enough to ward off surrounding sounds.

Tom doesn’t think it’s building up in this direction, but like I said, it will now that I’m here. I’m gonna be stubborn, though. I do not want to leave this beautiful land and what will be our beautiful house. Maybe I’m not getting my hopes up for no reason for once by hoping it’ll be quieter in a well-insulated house, and I don’t have to be outside all that much. It’s either too hot or too cold for the most part, and I hate all the flies. You just can’t casually stroll around here without the possibility of encountering a snake at night and without the more definite possibility of encountering ants during the day. When you sit still, flies won’t leave you the fuck alone.

Later…

The shouts and barks are still going on. Just what is this place and what are they doing?

Now I hear an older voice that may be closer. A white service van of some kind just headed towards the houses behind us, but I can’t say for sure that that’s where it went and that that’s where the voice came from. Well, in another hour or two, people should head indoors as the cold rapidly closes in, and the dogs should settle down.

I think I’ll go listen to music.

Later…

The "kennel" has settled down. All I heard, but only for a minute, was some adult voices. They were coming from either behind us or from the opposite side of the kennel. I heard a middle-aged woman and a young to middle-aged guy. I’d rather a few spurts of distant voices than hours of distant barking. And I sure as hell don’t want any close barking or bass.

The analyst in me says the voices are from the houses behind us (they sound white!). I also get the feeling there’s something going on too, and that this isn’t an ordinary hang-out-at-night-when-the-temperature’s-pleasant-and-chat kind of thing. At least whatever’s going on is good. The voices sounded pretty jovial, and I even heard some laughter.

I just hope I can sleep tonight. I really need to catch up on my sleep. I won’t count on it, though. Not till we get into the house and I can run a soft fan.

I hear ducks or geese, but they’re no bother.

I hear that engine running as I usually do, but it sounds different tonight. Actually, it sounds more like a vehicle running. Something with a bassy idle like our car has. Now it’s slowly fading. Nope. Still going. It just faded for an instant.

Later…

The well, or the diesel truck, or whatever it is, began running at 8:30. A little later than usual. I like this thing, though, cuz it provides some background noise, even if it isn’t much. It only stays on till around midnight, though.

Tom woke up for a minute and said those voices couldn’t have come from behind us cuz the place is too deserted. After he said this, I saw someone drive up and park in between us and next door, suggesting that other cars were filling up the space closer to the house. I heard the car door shut, then saw someone get out and go to the house, but of course, it was too dark to see who it was. So I guess they were having a party and needed more space to park. You can’t park just anywhere on their land, and these people have 4-5 vehicles. Mostly old trucks, and who knows if they all run or not.

Judging by their vehicles and their house, I’d say these people aren’t very nice and that they aren’t very easy-going. What do you expect, though? They’re next to me.

Their house is older and uglier and has been around for a while. Of course they also have those two little shacks that are falling apart with smashed windows that are on a corner of their land closest to us. I’d say they’re the ugliest things around here. Anyway, their house is no big beautiful manufactured home, and they’ve probably been there for a long time.

They’ve hung out laundry today and yesterday. I get the feeling there are a lot of them, they’re poor, and not all of them work. This, coupled with what God’s had in store for me the last few years, made me think all the more that these were Mexicans, but those voices I heard, if they were truly from over there, sounded pretty white to me.

Also, where are the millions of kids Mexicans have? I’d think there’d be more evidence of it if lots of kids were over there. I’d hear them. Not like I heard the Phoenix kids, blacks, or Mormonettes, but I’d have to hear something to tell me they were there. So if they exist, they’ve been unusually quiet.

I just can’t wait to get into the comfort of that big, gorgeous new house with its master bedroom windows surrounded and insulated by other rooms. Actually, every room in that house except for the master bath will have just one exterior wall. The master bath will have two.

Tom’s asleep now. He told me that although he doesn’t have to leave till 1:00, to wake him up when I’m ready to crash, and he’ll leave. He said he’d go play computer games in the car or something. That’s sweet of him, but he hasn’t had much sleep either, and so I’m gonna let him sleep till 10:00. It’d be wonderful if I could sleep from, say, 11:00-7:00, or even 10:30-8:30, but I know better than to even think I could do this. Either it’ll be too hot or too cold and that’ll wake me up. Or the animals will, or I’ll just wake up just because and not be able to fall back asleep for a while. Or maybe a person or an animal will wake me up.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1999 We are now just off the freeway that goes to our land at the Hampton Inn in Chandler. Although it’s $69 which is over our $40 limit, it’s really nice. At least so far it is. It’s a far cry from the Siesta Suites. The only thing we’ve heard so far was the housekeeper slamming a nearby door. The doors here aren’t right next to each other either, but we do have a room right across from us. We’re at the end of the 5th floor. There are 6 floors in all. I deliberately picked something with more than 2 floors. Once you get over 2-3 floors, they really have to build things firmer and thicken walls and floors up.

I’ve been tired for the last couple of days, but fortunately, he’s returning to work tonight so I can get some sleep without his damn snoring! Even if no bangs of any kind wake me, though, I’m sure I’ll wake up once or twice cuz I’m in a place I’ve never slept before. That seems to be my habit these days anyway.

Even though I was tired this morning, I couldn’t have slept much past 8:30 if I wanted to. I guess my body is just not used to sleeping past that anymore. I may take a nap today like I occasionally do.

I’ll write more about our hotel later.

Later…

We just returned from Denny’s. I got a nice steak and shrimp dinner and he got a burger.

This is a wonderful hotel so far, and you get so much with it. There’s a little coffeemaker with coffee, dry cream and sugar, an iron and ironing board, a digital alarm clock, and a big TV with HBO. I’m not interested in TV, but of course, Tom is. He likes TV more than sex. We screwed yesterday in the trailer, but we wouldn’t have if I hadn’t brought it up. We could make the time for it just about every day, but neither of us is very interested. He was only up top yesterday for a minute or two, cuz it was very hot in the trailer. What was neat, though, was how easy it was for me to start with him up top since there was no room for our side position which sort of forms a T, where he’s on his side and I’m on my back.

I revved him up by hand before our brief screw, and man did he get hard! I still can’t imagine getting that excited without releasing it. Ugh! He has major control, restraint, and determination, on top of his fears.

Melanie, or Tisha, never left my appointment reminder message. Why, I don’t know. My only guess is that they’re too cheap to call long-distance.

Anyway, the only negs to this place are its ugly, dark, dull colors, and its bathroom floor. It’s a rough sort of odd-textured tile.

The bathroom’s great. It’s roomy and has lots of counter space. It was great taking a bath in the nice clean, roomy, modern tub.

I washed my exercise mat’s cloth cover in the tub and hung it to dry. I put the foam part under the cover sheet and blanket (I’ll cover myself with the bedspread) which has a nice velvety feel to it.

I hope I get caught up on my sleep tonight with Tom not around and with being able to have a more stable temperature in here. Last night I went to bed sort of warm and awoke in the middle of the night freezing like Tom did a few nights ago. I had to wake him up to light the pilot and heat the place up.

Although I’d like to stay here, it is rather expensive, so we decided that for the fun of it, we’d stay at a different place each night. I don’t know how “fun” that’ll be if we end up in a 2-story motel, though, but we’re gonna take turns picking. He suggested we stay at the Super 8 tomorrow (which I think will be noisy), and I suggested the Red Roof Inn the next night, which is a hotel identical to this place.

We checked boxes before leaving the land this morning, and Tom found the bitch’s mail, so it will go out as planned.

Even though I’m kind of tired, I’m really enjoying today. It’s been a while since we’ve had a day off to relax and go at a leisurely pace, but tomorrow it’s back to sitting in the car and dealing with traffic and construction as we go from place to place. It’s good to be busy and active, though. Gotta go to Mel’s, the post office, and hopefully to Casa Grande to sign the house’s loan papers. Naturally, we’ll also go to the trailer to feed the animals.

Tom’s gonna have to call the Budget Suites tomorrow. This was the place that didn’t allow animals that we were gonna stay at till we settled on the Siesta Suites. We had made reservations, then canceled. Well, these little moochers stole $58 from our credit card. Fucking thieves! What a spiteful thing to do all cuz we canceled. I’m worried about the dive we stayed in. What are they gonna help themselves to? They’re my real concern.

Later…

So much for getting all excited over the coffeemaker. Their coffee tastes like shit and the water tastes like bleach, as Arizona water usually does, so it made my instant French vanilla taste shitty, too. Maybe I’ll just have my wake-up cup and get my English toffee coffee at Circle K till I can get a cheap warming plate for the places that don’t have coffeemakers and my water filter.

I’d never have worked at the Harley Hotel in Enfield, CT if it had been anything like this what with all the extra things there are to clean.

I polished my nails. Each one’s a different color - pink, light blue, dark blue, light purple, dark purple, yellow, white, black, red, and green.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1999 Tom and I returned not too long ago from doing something I’m getting pretty sick of - running errands.

It looks like the fat tub of shit’s not gonna get her mail next week after all. I can’t find her envelope. It’s here somewhere, but she’s not worth tearing things apart for. It’ll just have to wait till we get into the house, but she’ll get it.

I was right about strongly vibing the white trash and the blacks would be there while we were, cuz get this - the blacks next door were moving when we were there. The older animal nearly ran Tom over running around the corner.

Can you believe the black lady next door smiled at us? Does she even realize we were the ones to complain on her? I’ve never heard of anyone smiling at someone that complained on them. Especially out here. Normally people are furious with you for complaining on them. Especially when it’s about noise.

Also, I think the blacks below us may’ve moved too, cuz there was a different car in that spot.

The white trash, however, will be there at least till the painting’s done. They’re now painting the studios. Yeah, it figures they’d do our building while we were there and not after. In the end, though, there wasn’t as much in the way of projects as I thought there’d be. Just noise from kids and movement within the building.

I waited in the car while he turned in the keys, cuz I knew that if I went in that office, and if that lying little cock looked at me wrong, I’d kill the little shit. As it turns out, he never said anything to Tom.

Before going to the apartment, we went to a place in Phoenix I had a hot vibe on. I was right. It turned out that there was a truck within our price range, but we didn’t like the looks of it.

After leaving the apartment, we went to Ace Hardware where we found that Durham’s rock-hard putty we need, and I also got a nice plastic step ladder. They were giving away free bags of popcorn, too.

From Ace, we headed here, stopping in Maricopa at Dairy Queen. It’s hard to believe this is also Maricopa. This here is so rural and remote, and the center of Maricopa’s rather ugly with its scummy junkyard and all.

We timed it today, and we’re about 40 minutes from the freeway and 20 minutes from Circle K.

Later…

I’m sitting outside now with Tom. We also got fly strips at Ace too, and we put two indoors and two outdoors. So far, I’d say it’s worthless.

Later…

Tom just went in to lie down, but I think it’s too hot inside the trailer so I’ll stay out here, even though the flies are totally annoying. I haven’t heard much from the area’s dogs yet. It’s still a little early for that. Dogs usually do their barking between 7:00-10:00 PM, so I’ve noticed.

The view from where I’m sitting on this little beach chair looks so cool. The taller mountains are towards the back and the sides of the property, but when I sit down facing the front, I’m below most of the trees, so it looks like we could be on a cliff since the sky comes down into the little trees and clumps of sage. Sitting down and looking towards the sides and back, though, you can see the mountains.

Later…

The sun has just reached the mountain tops in back, so it won’t be long before it’s set and this trailer can begin to cool off. It’s hard to believe we’ll be freezing and in the 50s late at night if we don’t use the heater. It’s cold at night and hot during the day. Whenever you’re far away from an ocean, you have a wider temperature swing between night and day.

Later…

Tom ran out to Circle K. I ran around outside for a while, enjoyed the beautiful sunset, and sang.

There’s a full moon out. On the 7th there’ll be a new moon.

The house is due in on the 1st, it’s to be inspected on the 8th, and he thinks we’ll be moving in on the 12th. I still fear rain, or something, will delay us till November 20-something, but I sure hope I’m wrong and that I lose our bet. Meli is a beautiful doll, but I’d rather move sooner and wait on her.

I’ve begun drinking a glass of prune juice every day to help with regularity. It seemed to help at first, but I haven’t gone today or yesterday.

Tom put pieces of foam - the same kind air conditioners use - between the screens and windows. This is to filter some of the dust the workers will be kicking up when they bring in the house and dig the septic and the well.

It’s already gotten much more comfortable in here, but just an hour ago, we were boiling.

I hear that engine running now. It seems to run from sundown to around 11:00.

I also hear different dogs in the distance all around me. Sometimes the barking is in spurts, sometimes it’s pretty consistent. Again, it’s nothing like the collies were, and it probably won’t be audible at all in the house.

I don’t fear coming across a coyote, cuz they’re very timid and wouldn’t go near a person, unlike wolves, which travel in packs, but all the ants out here make me pretty damn nervous. I’d be pretty scared to run across a rattlesnake, too. Another thing we may encounter would be a stray dog, and you’d be hard-pressed to find a household out here with no dog. Also, if they don’t allow them in their homes in the city, then they’re really not gonna allow them in their homes out here, and there’s certainly no leash laws here. You just don’t take your dogs indoors in the southwest, and you let them roam free in the remote desert areas. The only thing out here I think there’d be laws on confining would be horses and cattle.

We see that crop duster flying around a lot.

I think Tom’s back.

Later…

Ashley, who’s never really been healthy, and who’s always been sort of hunch-backed, was wheeling for about a minute or so. She never usually wheels, either. Not like Katie. She wheels a lot. Even in the daytime.

I forgot to mention that the two little houses in back, that are where the land’s divided into four lots, have had front lights on. I don’t know why, though, cuz the houses are obviously empty. All we could see between the two houses was a refrigerator. It was sitting in the middle of one’s kitchen. Their power poles look new, cuz the newer ones are metal, not wood. Our guess is that people are moving in little by little. It may take them a few months, but it fits with my vibes. I tell you, it’s gonna build up around us over the next year as we get settled. Oh, it may never get like Phoenix, but I’m talking about the lots surrounding us. And like I said, people and music may not be a problem for a while, but we could easily get boxed in by dogs. God would have me stuck with dogs too. And I know he’ll have me next to off-brands at the hotel we end up at. Or with freeloaders. My guess is that he’ll black out on me, before siccing Mexicans on me, but they’re just as bad. They’re all the same, but God forbid he put a white person next to me! Hell no! It’d be a sin for me to be allowed to have a white person next to me. There was to the left us in Scottsdale. Yeah, after we started roughing it out here.

Tom’s listening to the first game of the World Series on the trailer’s radio.

We’re not gonna bother turning on the heat and setting the thermostat tonight. We’re just gonna bundle up. To tell you the truth, I’ve been sweating my ass off so much that a little cold will be a nice, refreshing break. Yes, I’d rather be cold for a change. Just a few nights a year, though.

I’m packing about a week’s worth of stuff, even though we’ll be coming here daily to feed the animals. Even though I’m not looking forward to leaving here and returning to the smog, crowds, and noise, we’re both looking forward to having some elbow room for a change and to being able to plug things in at all times, rather than only when our gas-powered generator’s running for a few hours. Real showers and toilets will be nice to have again, too.

This 70s Terry trailer really looks 70s with its wood grain paneling and its upholstery design/color. The only good thing about the 70s, in my opinion, was its music and its TV.

It’s hard to believe I’m nearly halfway done with this journal and I began it barely two weeks ago.

I sat outside with the mister to try to get a little color. Tom says I’m burning, but I don’t see it. Nor do I feel it.

As much as I love Tom and spending time with him, I’m kind of glad his vacation is over and that I’ll be alone at night. His snoring is getting old. By the time he’s ever on days, and we’re both asleep at night, we’ll be in the house. I don’t know if we’ll ever sleep together or not. As long as we’re together, happy, and healthy; that’s what’s most important. You never know, though. I was wrong when I said I could never quit smoking or get on a schedule (it’s been 2 years since I quit!). The only thing I know I could never be wrong about is having a kid, but that’s fine with me.

Later…

Well good, I did a duty. My stomach was kind of gassy, so now I feel better.

Tom went to bed a little while ago, and when I do, I’m gonna pull the accordion-like thing that separates the back from the front to muffle his snoring a bit. This divider was mostly created to block sight rather than sound, but it should lessen it slightly.

Usually, when I do my journaling, I type notes on stuff I want to write up at the end of the file I’m typing in. Here in this paper journal, I’m writing notes on the last page, since it’s quicker and easier to flip to the back of this book to glance at notes. As each page gets full, I’ll tear them out. They’ll go to Andy, along with the house/land pictures I plan on sending him. The same ones I’ll send Tammy, Dureen and Art.

Speaking of Tammy, boy, is she about to get a strange and confusing piece of mail! From Bob to me. Yeah, I thought she might get a kick out of it. I wrote to Bob, whom I just received a boring letter from, letting him know I’m at a relative’s house in Salem, CT, and that he can mail me his visiting hours there so I can try to visit him. The sucker will definitely fall for it too, so there Tammy will be, receiving wacky mail from this inmate.

As I said, I never bothered giving any numbers or our address to Bob, Kim or Paula.

When describing the trailer, did I mention it has Venetian blinds? Well, it does. I try to keep them shut on the west side as much as I can. I’ve been keeping them shut at night too, to block out the moonlight.

I haven’t done any reading yet and I don’t know when I will. At least my books aren’t library books so I don’t have to worry about deadlines.

I wish I knew which box I threw that fat bitch’s shit in!

It’s quiet out there tonight dog-wise. One of the things I love about the house we’re getting is how only one bedroom wall is an exterior wall. You usually have two exterior walls in bedrooms. Even though there’ll only be one, and even though we’re out here, I plan on sleeping with the fan on low, but not my big box fan. I’ll use our wimpy fan on a stand. This way it’ll keep the air circulating like I like, and I don’t have to worry if Tom drops anything, for example, or if the animals have a night where they’re louder than usual. Remember, they’re gonna be right outside the bedroom, and I plan to go from 6 rodents to about 16 rodents.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1999 Another day of roughing it out in the desert! It sure beats living with blacks, Mexicans and noisy kids.

I jogged around the property at sunset. I’ve been jogging around the property a lot to release all my energy that gets bottled up due to sitting in the car all day while we run errands.

The view is just as beautiful at night as it is in the daytime. At night the mountains form really neat silhouette shapes around most of the area, but in a little corner of the property, you can see city lights miles away in the distance.

Besides seeing lots of lizards and quails, we saw a coyote! It was neat to finally see one, but it wasn’t here that we saw it. We were still on the freeway about a half-hour from here when we saw one dart across the road. It was so cute. Looked a lot like a fox.

I can’t wait to get into the house, set it up, and have use of the computer again! There’s just no room to set it up in the trailer.

So far, the only thing around here that could be annoying would be if next door’s dog were to bark a long time while we were outdoors. You wouldn’t really hear it, though, in a regular house.

When our house is set up, our house will be about 400’ from next door. That sure beats 3’, huh?

As I said, they subdivided these lots in ‘58, and we read up on some of their rules out here.

You can’t build closer than 50’ to the front of your property (I assume the same goes for the back) and no closer than 25’ to the sides.

You can’t have more than one house per acre. If our land were in the city, there’d be 60 houses on it!

Ain’t it ironic how we whites stole the Indian’s land, yet they’re protecting our land? Yes, the AK-Chin reservation goes through Maricopa, so it buffers it and protects us from the expanding cities. Cities like Phoenix, Chandler, Mesa, and Scottsdale are really growing fast, but due to the way the reservation borders near where we are, we won’t have to worry.

Between that, and the fact that yes, my lungs are actually better. Boy, do I fear compensation!

We’ll have to check out the new casino on the Gila River Indian reservation soon, but we did spontaneously pop in AK-Chin’s Harrah’s casino, which we’ve been in before, and we each lost about $20. It was fun, even though my vibes always told me we were never destined to win anything big.

Maricopa’s a nice, but weird town. You get the impression it’s a separate town - us and its central street. We go through its main street to get here, and you also get the impression it’s a one-street town. Its side streets are sort of hidden.

As of tomorrow, this trailer becomes a weekend retreat. Tom wants to stay in a hotel, a real hotel with more than 2 floors, so he can have access to a shower he’s not so cramped in and that doesn’t have wimpy pressure.

There may be no comparison in noise (although I’m sure I’ll hear doors slamming), and it may be more comfortable and roomier, but I’ll miss being out here. Still, it’ll be nice to plug in a fan and my portable CD player, so it won’t all be bad.

Haven’t done any reading since we got here, which has been nearly a week, so I think I’ll read soon. I want to write a bit more first.

Amazingly, I’ve written nearly 40 pages so far. It’ll be much easier typing this up, cuz of its spiral binder.

I still want to describe this trailer and our land, but first I’ll cover today’s errands.

First we ate at Denny’s, stopped to pick up our mail, then went to the apartment to get a load of stuff. All that’s left will fill only half of the car. It was amazingly quiet while we were there, but weekdays tend to be quieter till those animals get in around 4:30. Although they’re not peaceful, they really did quiet down in the end, but I guess they’ve figured out that we’re hardly there lately, cuz they were wild when we were there a few days ago. I’m sure it’ll be rocking this weekend too, but at least we’re checking out!

We also went on a wild goose chase trying to find all the doll supplies Jamie listed for me.

Got another state coin today. They’re quarters. We’ve got Georgia, Delaware, Maryland, and Connecticut. I think. We may have New Jersey, too. I can’t remember what we have for sure until I unpack.

Anyway, I called Jamie from the apartment to ask about Jade’s dress, but it won’t be ready for a few weeks. Oh. I thought it’d be ready in a few days, but there’s no hurry.

After looking in four different craft stores, as well as Wal-Mart, we got the white tacky glue, what’ll hopefully be long enough needles (although we’d have preferred upholstery needles), silicon, 18-gauge wire, batting, and I think that’s it, cuz we couldn’t find the putty we needed.

Got a 17” super thin vinyl doll to practice making clothes on. I want to learn how to do patterns. Anyway, for a cheap vinyl doll that costs $6 or $7, she’s nice. I don’t know if she’s supposed to be a white doll with a tan or a Latin doll, but she has a pleasant enough face with nice curly brown long hair.

We went to a drugstore and were unable to find fly strips, but we got the nail clippers we needed, cup holders, a tarp for the generator, more plastic silverware, trash and freezer bags, and the best thing of all - a personal mister. I love it! I wish I got it as soon as I came to Arizona. It’ll make tanning a lot easier. It’ll run steadily for 20 minutes. The water goes in a sports bottle and you can strap it over your shoulder, around your neck, or set it down somewhere. The part where the mist comes from has a clip on it, so you can clip it to your shirt if you want or to whatever. They had black, blue, green and purple. I got purple.

I forgot to say that we’ll still be coming to the trailer daily to feed the animals. How I wish they didn’t exist just till we got into the house! We should’ve tried to have them boarded at a pet store or somewhere, even though I’d miss them.

I stopped for Chinese take-out on our way back here, then he got a hot dog at our closest Circle K in Maricopa 20 minutes away, and I got my favorite new coffee - English toffee cappuccino. It’s great and you don’t need to add cream or sugar.

Still haven’t heard from the people who bought our house. Who knows if they’ll take our offer and who knows if they’re living there yet or if they’re remodeling? We drove by there the other day and saw no people or cars there. As for the Mexicans - all we saw was the van. No cream pickup, other vehicles, or people. I’ll be mailing that fat bitch’s mail out the day I see Mel, next Monday, so she should get it Wednesday or Thursday. Less than a week, Deb!

Let me break, then I’ll get into land/trailer descriptions.

Later…

You’d think it was a streetlight, but it’s actually the moon that’s glowing out there. It’s nearly full. I can’t wait for a moonless night out here so I can see all the stars. We talked about getting a telescope.

Tammy’s considered remote where her house is, and it is for being in New England, but this is remote. It takes about 20 minutes just to get to our nearest stores, like a gas station, convenience store, and Dairy Queen. There are a few other things there too, like a school and a church. The nearest grocery store, though, is about 40 minutes away. We’ll probably try to do biweekly grocery runs, rather than weekly, and throughout most of the year, we’ll need a cooler or else our frozen stuff will spoil before we can get it here.

Anyway, although the land lacks saguaros, prickly pears, Joshua trees, and ocotillos, it sure is gorgeous. Besides, we can plant those kinds of cactuses and some palm trees. There are no organ pipes, either. Just lots of sage, Palo Verde trees, a few barrel cactuses, and lots of gopher, ant, and maybe even snake holes.

There are up to four washes running through here, but two definite main washes. We plan to put the house just behind the front one where we have a couple of pretty tall trees. Although most of our trees are shorter than me, these are at least 10-12 feet high. We’ll make some sort of bridge to get across the wash, what’ll be neat; having a little river run through here when it rains. Although I suppose it’d be more appropriate to call it a stream or a brook. There are a lot of “bald spots,” just open, bare patches of hard-packed dirt (I wish I had my roller-skates) which really helped us when it came to driving the trailer in here. We went out and got shovels and rakes, just in case we had to clear a path. This was before we were as familiar with our land as we are now, although there’s still more to explore and learn.

The 27’ trailer is what I’d describe as being simple. They certainly have nicer, newer, bigger trailers than Dennis’, but it’s no little piece of shit, either. You walk into the living room/kitchen area with its 2 beds (we use the one on top for storage), a table we don’t bother to use, and its kitchen with cabinets, an oven, and a refrigerator. There are 4 main windows in this area. There are a total of 3 ceiling windows too, which we crank open. In the back, or close to it, is a bed (this is where I sleep. He sleeps in front), more cabinets, and a little counter. In the very back is the bathroom. I’m amazed that it’s got a tub. I thought it’d be just a shower stall.

All in all, this thing has pretty good cabinet and drawer space, but we sure could use triple this amount!

There are 2 windows in the back bedroom and one in the bathroom.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1999 Oh, these damn flies! Why are there so many of them out here? Well, they’re better than spiders and rattlesnakes.

Anyway, I’m sweating my ass off now while he’s taking our daughter to one of her millions of appointments. Thank God for Mary and Dave, though!

I should’ve taken his offer to go to the apartment, but oh well. It could be much worse. It could be 110º-115º, but it’s about 95º outside the trailer and about 90º inside the trailer. I had to stay inside while the sun was straight up at noon, cuz neither side of the trailer had any shade.

We were only gone for about an hour this morning getting more water for the trailer, some coffee for me, etc. I’m trying to lay off the food. All that hard work that it took me over a year to do in order to get down around 110 pounds has been thrown away. I’m an easy 120-125 pounds.

Anyway, neither of us has heard a sound all day (just flies buzzing) and I’ve seen only two vehicles go by all day. That same white pickup I saw yesterday and a furniture truck. This truck is from the same place we bought our living room set at, so maybe they do deliver out here, even though we were told otherwise. If we can’t find a truck, we’ll get a trailer and haul the furniture out ourselves. The living room set I chose is not what I originally had in mind. It’s better. It’s a beautiful, plush black crushed velvet set with gold trim. We got three gold and glass tables, along with a couch, a loveseat, and a chair. I want to get one of those cool-looking spider lamps, too.

I would love to explore the grounds now, but it’s just too hot, and it could be dangerous at night. That’s when snakes and ants are out, among God only knows what else, although he and I are beginning to doubt we even have any snakes here.

We haven’t seen any coyotes (we think we’ve heard some, though), or roadrunners, but we did see a quail pass by on our way back in this morning.

Tom said he “thought” he heard a baby for a split second this morning, but he couldn’t be certain. Well, I did see a young, motherly-looking woman and a toddler on our south side. They’re our only neighbors for now (I still can’t get a sure make on their color) but I just hope it stays this quiet if people move in behind us and to our north and front! It’s just too hot and dangerous for kids to wander around out here, so I guess the worst noise you could get could only come from dogs, as long as people keep their music to themselves. That’s the whole idea out here in this remote area, though. Everyone’s out here for the same reasons; to get away from civilization and other people’s noise.

Once he gets back, we’re gonna go to the apartment to take a shower there, even though their showers are very windy. Yeah, there’s more air than water. Poor Tom’s cramped in this shower, and there’s very little water pressure.

We won’t get there till the kids are out of school and are there screaming, but I still have the fan there. Another few days and we’ll be completely out of there.

Why the fuck were those kids on vacation in October, though? I thought you had time off through Christmas and New Year’s, and a week in April.

There’s a gentle breeze out now and if it weren’t for that, I’d be mighty hot.

Let’s see…another negative to the land, besides the possibility of snakes, a ton of ants, and all these bugs, are the weeds. They’re the same kind we had in Phoenix and they’re a bitch cuz they have little stickers within them.

I’ll get to the land’s positives later.

Later…

He’s still not back yet, even though the bitch’s appointment was at 1:00.

I brought the pig out who’s sitting by my feet. That’s the great thing about guinea pigs - they stay where you put them. The rats, though, have to be held when taken outside.

Still not a sound. I love it! Al H would hate it. I remember he hated how quiet Sun City was. Well, living like this isn’t for everyone. Some people like the noise and the action of the city. And the crowds.

The more shaded the front side of the trailer gets, the more pleasant it is.

Later…

We returned from Denny’s a little while ago, and on our way out, Tom tried to win me a pink teddy bear. That’s become kind of a Denny’s tradition for us. It’s one of those machines with a claw, and you try to grab a stuffed animal, but I really think it’s designed to be deliberately impossible to win cuz the claw seems way too flimsy to hold even the tiniest stuffed animal. It’s a clever way to make a few extra bucks, though.

Tom said he hates Phoenix more and doesn’t miss it at all, cuz driving through it was the nightmare it usually is what with all the traffic and construction.

I guess no one’s mad at me for anything and no one wants to gossip about me. Well, if they did, they certainly wouldn’t tell Tom, cuz they know he’d tell me. It’s still too bad they didn’t have the nerve enough to confront me directly with anything that might’ve upset them, but truthfully, if they’re rude enough to badmouth me behind my back, I don’t give a shit if I rubbed anyone the wrong way. If you don’t have the guts to face me, I cannot respect you.

I can now hear some dogs barking. It seems to be mostly a morning and evening thing, although I don’t think we heard any dogs this morning.

I wanted to clean around the wash, but it was just too damn hot. The days are hotter out here while the nights are cooler.

I found a couple of weird things: an old rusty knife blade, and an old rusty pair of small scissors.

We yanked Trail’s End’s for-sale sign out and laid it down, but I guess they’re in no hurry to get it back.

I had the pig outside today. He sat where I put him, for the most part, but he did decide to go waddling down to the front wash, so I had to grab him and bring him back. It’s a good thing GPs aren’t as fast as rats.

Tom and I made a bet earlier. I say it’ll rain and delay us from moving into the house as fast as we can. He says on November 12th we’ll move in. If he’s right, he gets to buy $200 worth of computer stuff ASAP. If I’m right about rain stalling the move, I get to get Meli ASAP. Meli’s the oriental doll I want. Her kit’s $200. I’ll buy her naked, though, and get her an outfit somewhere else for a fraction of the cost. Jade would’ve been $250 instead of $350 had I gotten her dress elsewhere, but we wanted to get a dress this time around from them.

That was weird. Tom and I could’ve sworn we heard someone’s voice just now. Out here? With the nearest house about 400’ away?

Every night, except for our first night here, we’ve heard a motor running. We thought it was a semi’s engine, but now we’re wondering if it’s one of those big well pumps that’s on a nearby farm. Thank God the farms aren’t too close to us what with all the dust they kick up. Also, some of those farms really stink. They have some farms growing melons and grapes and tons of cotton fields out here.

We saw this really cool little plane flying back and forth over some of the farms, dropping bug spray over crops.

Let me finish with the doll news.

I now have 7 Barbies. I got another cheap $4 blond-haired one with a cool-looking blue, 2-piece bathing suit with pearls on it and dangling pearl earrings. So now I have 5 blond Barbies, Teresa with her brown hair, and Christie, who’s black.

I have received all 3 of the Ashton-Drake dolls I ordered. Sacajawea and Pine Leaf are beautiful, but I need to steam their hair down a bit more.

I got Colette too, and her dress needs steaming like Patrice’s did. Now get this - Colette’s black! I didn’t know she was black. I couldn’t tell from the catalog, but it’s cool to have contrasting ballerinas, in a sense. A white one wearing blue and a black one wearing pink will complement each other nicely. Of course, I have other ballerinas, but they’re different. Patrice and Colette were made by the same guy. They look the most realistic too, as do most Aston-Drake dolls. Their dolls are of pretty good quality. Giselle and Liselle are much taller, and Christina’s a phony-looking goofball. Don’t know why I bothered to win her on that eBay auction. She looked better online, I guess, but her dress is rather pretty.

Yesterday, when we went to pick up Jade’s kit, Jamie’s sister Lisa was there. She was useless to us, but she was covering for Jamie cuz Jamie’s kid had to go to his orthodontist. If someone else’s kid holds you back in life, imagine what your own will do! I’m glad we can’t make any.

Anyway, I spoke to Jamie on the phone, who asked us to come back later. So we got some ice cream, then returned. Jamie was so nice and took the time to explain the kit to me. She went over the stuff we’d need, which we’re gonna get tomorrow. I’ll expand on this some other time when I’m more awake, but I will say now that her dress isn’t ready (so we only paid $260 for her). They’re making one for her since the ones they had were too frilly and too girlie.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1999 I’m now sitting on our land outside the trailer on a mini beach chair. Tom’s gone into the city to run some errands.

The reason I’m not with him is cuz I thought I had a cold. I was miserable yesterday with non-stop sneezing fits that began as soon as I got up, and that didn’t quit till bedtime. I even ended up napping at the apartment for a couple of hours while Tom went on a hopeless truck hunt.

Sacajawea came yesterday. I didn’t expect her that fast and she’s gorgeous!

Jade will be picked up today.

We brought the animals out yesterday, but the pig stunk so badly that I had him in the car overnight. Today, till I can change him, he’s in the tub in the bathroom with the window open and the door shut.

I can’t believe I’ve slept with no fan these last few nights. Tom woke me up a couple of times by shaking the trailer as he’d turn in his sleep, and I woke up naturally a few times, but sleeping here has been easier than I thought. Maybe it’s just because I’m here, where it’s so peaceful. I feel so safe and happy here.

I have heard some dogs, but they’re pretty much off in the distance and are nowhere near as loud as the collies were. As big as these lots are, I just hope this place doesn’t build up fast!

The people to our south have a dog. Tom saw a middle-aged woman over there when he was looking for ant holes, but she was too far away to get a make on her color. If she can keep her lifestyle to herself and not force it on me, it won’t matter. The property in back of ours is unoccupied, but there are a couple of little houses out there. I don’t know if someone’s planning on moving in soon, or what.

There are no houses to our front and our north side, but I fear that’ll change soon enough. Once we get settled I expect things to build up, but thankfully, it can never get as noisy as Phoenix was.

The only other things we’ve heard were some people shouting God only knows what off in the distance, and some semi’s engine running about a mile away late at night.

Conveniently, the weather cooled down a lot during our first night out here. In fact, we were freezing when we woke up. It got down into the 50s! We put the heater on at night, but all you need are open windows during the day. This is the first day anyone’s really been here what with all the errands we’ve been running. We came on the 17th.

When Dennis, who’s a very nice guy, was here getting the trailer set up, he found what may’ve been a javelina’s foot. Maybe a coyote got it or something.

Our mountain views aren’t spectacular, but they’re certainly beautiful enough! What I didn’t know was that you can see distant city lights from one corner of the property, and it is beautiful! You can see the glow of Phoenix’s lights way off sort of behind a range of mountains. South Mountain, I believe it is.

Fittingly, I’ve renamed our land Desert Winds, instead of Desert Visions. Yes, it can get very windy here. So much so that it’s loud and hard to hear Tom talking.

Seeing all the stars at night is breathtaking. I can’t wait till there’s no moon. The stars are so much easier to see without all those city lights.

So far, neither of us has heard or seen any snakes, huge spiders, or coyotes, although Tom said he thought he heard one off in the distance. I’d rather that than come across a snake.

Later…

Tom’s back. He got us a nice generator.

Only two cars have driven by so far today, which surprises Tom. He expected two cars in a week. I saw a white pickup go by once and a brown car go by twice.

They made this so-called subdivision in 1958. I guess someone thought it’d build up back then, but it will sooner or later, which is a sad thought. We need to preserve some of this beautiful, spacious natural desert. To think of having subsidized blacks and Mexicans out here, trashing the place, and with their loud music and their rude, selfish, hostile ways makes me utterly sick. I just hope it isn’t in my lifetime, but I won’t hold my breath.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1999 Between the Trailer and Hotels…

Today we met Dennis, the guy Tom’s known for three years, at the Harrah’s casino on one of the Indian reservations. Actually, we met him near it. The tribal police told him he couldn’t hang out by the casino. Fortunately, we came by minutes afterward, or else we wouldn’t have seen him going further down the road.

He is a very nice guy and the trailer’s pretty nice too, but I’ll write about it out at the land cuz I’ll have plenty of free time then.

Later…

Just thought I’d jot down a few more lines.

That black bitch should’ve gotten my mail by now. Oh, how I hope she reads it! Especially the good parts. And oh, how I wish I could be a fly on her wall to see her reaction when she got the stuff! I’m sure it didn’t take her too long to figure out who it was from.

Speaking of blacks - I don’t think the ones next door have been home all day, believe it or not, since they never seemed to go anywhere. It’s been too quiet. But then again, see what I mean? It’s the “quiet end time.”

I mailed Andy a 7-minute phone card. No letter or anything else. Just the card, which I got a few weeks ago and was gonna mail then.

Tom says all the stuff we have here at the apartment will fit just fine in the trailer, but I doubt it. If we have to put anything in our mini storage, then we will. I just hope we don’t end up with half the stuff in the big storage bin being smashed.

The trailer doesn’t seem to be as long as 27’, but once again, I’ll get to that some other time. My hand already hurts from writing, cuz it’s been so long since I did it regularly. Also, my handwriting is a nightmare!

I hope we find a cheap old used pickup tomorrow. We need it! That way, we can not only have a backup vehicle, but we can also get out of here in one trip.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1999 More family problems. However, it’s on his side so it’s not nothing compared to what I went through with those on my side. It’s petty shit, but at the same time, I was both hurt and angry to find out through Tom’s mom that Evie may’ve been rather offended by my request that she doesn’t bring the kids to the house to visit till they’re older. She told me that that was no problem because they use sitters all the time anyway, but it appears that it just may be a problem after all. I hate someone that can’t tell me when I’ve upset them. Why do people always have to go to someone else, huh? What are they afraid of? I went through this shit with Andy for years. He’d bitch to me about Miles or someone, and I’d be like - Andy, you’re telling the wrong person how you feel! Did you ever think of confronting the source and going directly to the person that’s pissed you off and letting them know how you feel?

It’s no wonder so many people don’t get along. They don’t communicate.

I feel betrayed by his mom, but mostly by Evie. I see this as gossiping, although he says he sees it as expressing their opinions. Yeah, I didn’t expect him to see it like I see it, but oh well. Although I feel his mom gossips a lot, most of her talk is about Evie, Nickolena and Parker. I guess they’re her favorites. I told him I don’t want anything to do with Evie from here on out, but that he could do what he wanted as far as allowing Mom, Mary, and Dave to visit. It wouldn’t be right of me, like he said, to tell him his own family can’t visit just cuz mine can’t, and I can be polite while they visit. We both can live without Evie, though. I told Tom I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Mary disliked me and talked shit about me (it’s a feeling I’ve always had). He said, who cares? Well, normally I wouldn’t want someone who had not-so-nice things to say about me visiting, but no, I don’t care, and I can live with it and with her visiting. I care if Tom says something bad to me or thinks something bad about me, but others, I’m just not so picky about. I let Evie know I was both hurt and upset to have found out through Mom that she was offended by my request and that I really wished she’d come to me with anything that offended her. I told her I still love her and David and the kids and am very sorry if I upset her in any way, but perhaps it’s best we ignore each other and that I remove her from my email list. That way I don’t have to worry about finding out from someone that I offended her again. I certainly don’t want to be a problem for her, I told her.

Speaking of letting people know how I feel, I won’t be leaving any notes here. They already know how we feel about them and this place and they aren’t worth the time and energy a note would take.

The black and white beasts were sitting right smack outside our patio. I just don’t get this sitting on other people’s patios, yards, etc. Is something wrong with their own? They’re still quieter than they were when we first got here, although I do hear an occasional bump, bang, or scream. I guess not all kids are on vacation. We’ve seen some school buses around. God just had to make sure the kids next to me were out of school, though! I think the reason he’s been siccing kids and their noise on me for so long is to make up for and to compensate me for the fact that I get to get out of having it inside my own home for 18 years. Thank God, too!

I don’t know if remembered to write about this, but once when we were out by the land, Tom ran over a big rattlesnake. I didn’t see it, though. I had my head down looking at maps or something. That’s something I’m not looking forward to having to deal with out there. He said I may never see one, but I’m sure I will. And God only knows if I’ll be seeing tarantulas too, and other huge, terrifying spiders. It also sucks that there are just as many ants and other insects out there. Maybe more.

Tom said he was told a house once existed on our land, but we think they must be mistaken, or else we’d have seen some remnants of it, wouldn’t we?

Before we get regular trash services, we’re gonna throw our bags of trash and put them in the trunk of the car to take once a week to put in Mary’s alley when he visits the mouth. One of the mouths, anyway.

Also, we have to use special toilet paper that’ll break up in the acid that’s in the shithole.

The other day I wanted to browse through an adult store, but Tom reminded me that he’s uncomfortable in those places. And he says he’d be OK with discussing his sexual ways with a doctor? I don’t think so! He’d be very uncomfortable and embarrassed to discuss it with anyone else, but he wouldn’t want to and he doesn’t have to. I know how much he enjoys cumless sex and I want him to have what he wants. Even if I started wanting a kid again, I still wouldn’t want him to sacrifice the sex he likes, not that I could conceive the natural way. He’s a very old-fashioned guy, though, trust me.

I seriously wonder about something, though. Most women do want kids and wouldn’t give that up for a guy who’s like Tom is in bed. Well, 35 years is an awfully long time for such a great guy to be alone, and I really wonder if it could be because of his not cumming. Although, it’d depend on whether or not they were on birth control. I don’t think he’d be the way he is if I had been on birth control all along. Yes, he likes not cumming, but I still also believe it’s a fear thing and I always will. He told me he came with his first wife. Well, she was on birth control. Well, as long as he’s happy - and hey - he keeps the sheets dry while he’s doing what he likes/wants, so why not?

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1999 Can you believe the kids are on vacation from school this week? I can. Yeah, God just had to make sure it was while he knew we were going to be here. What is he trying to tell me by rubbing kids and blacks in my face like this year after year?! Anyway, they’re still quieter than they used to be for people who don’t go anywhere but to school and maybe work, too. I stay in the bedroom with the fan or music on most of the time, and it’s only for about another week or so anyway. Also, maybe, just maybe, mama black will have some compassion when it comes to her blacks in light of the poor old man who moved in below them. He’s obviously terminally ill. He must’ve been living far out like where we’re going, then came into town as he got closer to death. He’s in a hospital bed right by the living room window in which curtains are wide open. A couple of women, probably a family member and a nurse, are with him. I guess people out here really don’t care for privacy that much. Either that or the window’s wide open so that the guy feels more a part of life and less cooped up and isolated. What a way to go, though, with kids running around screaming on top of you. Like I said, though, maybe his presence, along with the fact that we’ve only got a week left and things usually quiet down right before I leave somewhere, will impact how much those kids are rambunctious. I haven’t heard any screaming today, but most people just don’t give a shit, so who knows what they’ll do from here on out? At least it won’t matter after a week or so, rather than in six years.

Next door to our left still appears vacant, but last night and this morning I could’ve sworn I heard someone over there. Maybe it was just the blacks below us. Could’ve even been the people next to the blacks, since these walls are just like the Vista and Crystal Creek. They’re kind of in between NHA walls and regular walls.

I can’t believe those Mexicans never woke me up during the four months I was stuck with them. Without the fan, they would’ve. That is until I made them not wake me up. Things could’ve been a lot worse as far as that goes with both the blacks and the Mexicans, and therefore, I would’ve definitely been forced to go after them and fight for my sleep. That’s what I should’ve done while I was at the NHA, even though I still wanted out of that hell hole, and even though it wasn’t Barbara’s fault that the walls were as thin as they were. You can only go so far when it comes to controlling kids, too. They’re like wild animals that just cannot be tamed for the first ten years or so of their lives.

The weather’s been hot, but beautiful, and I really think God’s going to have it rain like hell once the house gets delivered. I know he will. That’s totally something he would do to us. He’s gonna make sure the weather gets in our way and stalls us from getting into that house.

I just hate having to count down the days all over again. First I had to anxiously await getting out of Phoenix, and now here.

Anyway, today we went to get ideas for things like a CD changer, washers and dryers, and things like that at Best Buy.

Then we went to Border’s where I got a regular-sized lined journal for writing in the trailer as a way of conserving energy with bright neon hearts on its cover. Its pages are purple on one side, and green on the other. Both sides have floral borders. I also got a cool unlined sketchbook. It’s bigger, and it too is hardcover. I forgot to get some pencils, though, since mine are packed. It’s one of those with two pictures, and you see different ones depending on the angle from which you view it. One scene has a light blue day sky with suns, birds, butterflies, and ladybugs. The other has a dark blue night sky with moons, planets, stars, and comets. I have it leaning against the bedroom wall and it’s so cool when you walk by it, cuz it changes from night to day and back and forth.

After Border’s, we went to a Jack-n-the-Box drive-through, and as we were heading to sit and eat in the shadier parking lot of the wallpaper store, some fucking Mexican nearly hit us and caused us to spill our drink. Fucking Mexicans! There’s just no getting away from them and their fucking shit!

Tom and I looked in both the wallpaper store and at the house floor plan and made tentative plans for what would go where. The only thing I don’t like about the house, but only when it comes to murals and border accents, is its slanted ceilings and its vertical strips every foot or so. Tom says we can take those off, and hopefully there won’t be too big of a gap in between the wallboards so we won’t have to tape them and put that joint compound in between them, to keep us from accidentally poking a hole in the mural or border.

They only had a couple of mural scenes I liked, although some of the woods and waterfalls are nice enough, too. I’ve decided on a palm tree mural for the den and a night city scene for the bedroom. As for borders, man did they have a lot of adorable ones! I’m gonna get a variety of ones with fairies, ballerinas, dogs, cats, tie-dye, and cactuses. They also have door murals, but I don’t want too much to clash with each other, so I may put a door mural on the side of the cabinets that you can see from the pet room and dining area that’s just outside my office, so it won’t clash with other borders or murals. Obviously, I’ll only border areas that don’t have murals, cuz it’d look pretty stupid, for example, if I had cats bordering a room that had a palm tree mural in it, or ballerinas bordering a room with a city scene. I’m not gonna border rooms like the guest room or the baths, cuz I won’t see those as much, and what I’ve already decided on is expensive enough.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1999 I don’t believe it! I just don’t. The H's true colors are coming out. This is exactly what I mean when I bitch about God not letting us get ahead in life and having past people, places, and things reach out and grab us just when we thought we were rid of them for good. I guess they’re not so easygoing after all, cuz they fucking complained about the side of the house being trashed with roofing stuff (they didn’t make any offers or ask for any money. Not yet, anyway). It’s not that Tom didn’t want to clean that or the stuff he left on the patio and in the garage and it’s not that he didn’t want to vacuum the house, but he just didn’t have time. I suppose I’d complain too, if I had dogs whose paws could get hurt on those roofing nails that I was gonna keep outside all the time, but still - isn’t it a little late for that? That’s not our fucking house or our responsibility anymore. We already gave them the keys. So Tom stupidly made them an offer that he feels is reasonable and that he feels would avoid us possibly having to go through the hassles of court, not that they could win since they now officially own the house. He offered $250 for either them or him to hire someone to clean it up. Fine, but if they think they’re gonna turn into little mooches and continually complain and try to weasel money out of us, they’ve got another thing coming to them. A part of me understands their complaint, but another part of me wants to slap them silly! And I was just saying to myself the other day how I hoped the blacks were leaving them alone too, since they had seemed so nice, making such a great offer on the house, and so quickly. Well, I hope those Mexicans make them miserable nonetheless with their trash and with their antics. The question is, though, what are they gonna do about that - complain to us about their music, about their trash in the yard, about all the people? They’ll be sorry if they do.

Yes, they do deserve a letter of some kind from me, don’t they? I’ll give it a few months, but I’ll either send them a wacky letter or maybe even a letter posing as the Mexicans, complaining about all the barking.

Speaking of all the barking - Gloria, in back, is not gonna be a happy camper. I know she hated those two collies just as much as I did, and now she’ll have five of them to listen to. I sure as hell had to listen to a lot of barking today myself. I felt so bad for Mary’s neighbors, remembering all too well all the barking I had to endure so close by, year after year.

Yes, we went over there to do laundry and to put up the handrail in Ma’s bathroom. It took him no time at all. He had to buy more drill bits, though, cuz they don’t even own a drill, let alone drill bits, and his are packed.

No one was there while we were there. He put the dog out back that barked and barked non-stop, and as usual, the place was a total pigsty. The place was caked with dirt and dust, and the clutter and garbage were horrendous. There’s no way in hell someone could live like that without actually liking it. Well, to each their own as far as living style goes, I guess.

Anyway, she had a nice, big washer and dryer in a little room at the back of their carport.

According to Mary’s scale, I’m about 120 pounds. Yeah, I knew I’d gained weight since leaving Phoenix. I can tell by how my clothes fit, although Tom says he can’t see it. He says all the walking I’ve been doing has kept me from gaining inches. Well, it is true that I did have more inches for the pounds the last time I was in the 120s, but still, I’m quite the chub. I could easily afford to shed a good 20 pounds and get into shape, but that’s hopefully going to be done once we get into the house and get an exercise machine of some kind.

After leaving Mary’s, we went to JB’s where I got a scallop and fries lunch, topped off with a slice of pecan pie. He got a burger and fries. He doesn’t like as many things as I do. Primarily he likes hot dogs, burgers, pork chops, steak, omelets, chili, and ham and cheese sandwiches.

We finally ordered a couple of CDs from our CD club the other day online. I ordered Trio 2 with Linda, Dolly, and Emmylou. It’s been so long since I got their first Trio album. I was on Oswego St. in Springfield at the time, so it was in the late 80s. I also ordered a Heart CD.

We’re thinking of things to do to conserve energy in the trailer, and are still looking for a reasonable generator, as well as a backup vehicle. We decided on getting a portable CD player and me a journal to write in like I used to, instead of using the computer. We certainly won’t be online during this time either, that’s for sure.

We’ll probably sleep here about five more days, then we’ll still keep the place till right around the 24th which is what we’re paid up till, but will be moving stuff out little by little.

According to what they say, we’ll be in the house by Thanksgiving, and we’ll be able to see the house brought in, which is set for November 1st! I was hoping to see it driven in.

OK, it’s time to get to Jade, for once and for all, who’s still about a week away. I did decide to check out JBS Dolls after all, and yes, they do have a lot of realistic-looking dolls (they seem to range from about 24”-32” for the most part). But that’s just a small part of it. The wonderful part of it is that you don’t have to buy what you see as it is! You can take a doll like Chyna, for example, which they do have, and say give me that doll, but instead of having her be oriental, have her be white and put red hair on her! They have books of wigs and stuff like that, and you can also pick out their outfits, too! Never again will I have to worry about getting a doll with a beautiful face but who has a boring outfit, or a doll dressed nicely with a boring or ugly face! I probably won’t buy any more clothes from them next time, cuz they’re way too expensive. Anyway, it’s been a dream of mine to find a pretty mold like I did with Jade who I thought was the best-looking doll there, then tell them to put straight black hair on her, give her brown eyes, and put her in a pink dress, and that’s just what I did! They don’t glue the hair on the dolls they have set up in the store, so the people can buy them as they are (then they’ll glue the wigs on right on the spot), or have them glue the hair on but take them naked so they can buy their own outfits for the dolls. Then you can do what I did. I saw a beautiful 32” Indian doll named Jade, who had on a typical Indian costume which I don’t particularly like, with black hair without bangs. I told her I wanted that doll with the same Indian complexion in a kit, but I wanted her in a pink dress (hopefully it won’t be too girlie since she is a woman doll) and that I wanted her black hair with bangs. She says putting the dolls together isn’t too hard, and that they have classes for that for just $15. Well, we’re gonna give it a shot ourselves (all they’re gonna do is paint her).

I hope this is a potential money-maker if it isn’t too hard to assemble dolls, cuz then I could sell them and buy dolls for myself with the profits. I’d still like to have a redhead, a black doll, and an oriental doll. There were only a few doll faces that really stood out, and one of them was Shay’s (if that’s how she spells her name). I liked how her mouth was open and how well you could see her two front teeth.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 1999 Tom’s getting the car fixed now and doing laundry while he’s waiting for the car to be done. I’m sick of our fucking cars not being able to get past 3-4 months without some problem! I totally resent God too, for allowing us to be hexed with the same old shit over and over again! We don’t need to spend any more time and money on cars! Why should we bother getting a new car someday, after all? It’ll only have problems every few months.

All its hoses are old and are cracking and leaking. Power steering fluid’s been leaking like hell, so now that’s one more thing we’ve got to deal with and lose money on. Why now God, huh? Have some compassion and just leave us alone and let us get ahead in life for a change!

I was going to go with him today, but I was just too tired, so he said it’d be no problem for me to hang back and for him to do the laundry.

Today’s a holiday, and it fucking figures there has to be a 3-day holiday while we’re here, huh? The blacks are home today, but get this - they’ve been so quiet that I thought they moved! Since last Thursday, they haven’t been banging and screaming like hell, and I haven’t seen the white boy, either! There was a cluster of black and white kids playing on the lawn down at the other end of this strip yesterday, but that’s it. No screaming outside the living room.

As far as I know, the room to our left is still empty. The room below the blacks is still empty too, and has been for nearly as long as we’ve been here, but gee, I wonder why! I should’ve put two and two and figured out that this place had to be empty as long as it was for a reason, too. It’s now more than obvious that this place was vacant as long as it was, along with the one below the blacks, cuz no one wanted to live next to or under a herd of blacks. Also, other people had to have been shown this room, just like we were, while the white kid was next door screaming out front and I’m sure that’s got to have turned a lot of people off. Not that it didn’t turn me off, too; it’s just I knew I was destined for that no matter where I went, so I figured I might as well go with the flow of what was fated to be since I knew I had no choice. Also, I’m still pretty sure the blacks are permanent residents. I wonder if the blacks downstairs are too, but at least their bumps and bangs are much milder and they don’t have kids screaming outside.

What I wonder, though, since I’m naturally a curious person, is what made them quiet down? I mean, I hear a few scattered bumps and bangs, but not nearly like I used to.

I have a whole shitload of stuff to write about, but I’ll get to it later.

Later…

Fuck! Those fucking blacks and the white animal are at it again! They’re still not banging as much as they used to, but still, why do I have to hear them at all? Can’t they fucking sit still and shut up? Why do they have to be so wild and make a scene? Can’t they live like civilized, normal people without having to be the center of attention? The white animal’s back in the picture again. The little black boy just ran out and slammed the door behind it, then went running down the patio by our place with whitey behind it. At least they didn’t come back so soon afterward. I guess they went to hang out at someone else’s place for a change that lives down at the other end.

I’m just so sick of kids and blacks being thrown at me like this year after year! Is God ever gonna let me disassociate myself from them? And Mexicans, too? By the way, there are still too many Mexicans out here, but not as many as there are in Phoenix.

I still can’t figure out what God’s been trying to tell me by tossing neighbor’s noise on me throughout the bulk of this last decade, and I’m getting pretty nervous as well as excited about getting out of here. I know that my time of listening to neighbors is coming to an end for the most part, but I also know that that means I’m about to trade that in for a new problem that will dominate the next decade, and this worries me. What will it be? Tom thinks that instead of having one big problem, I’ll have a bunch of little problems. An example he mentioned is how we won’t be able to easily run out to a Jack-n-the-Box. Also, there’ll be more dust where we’re going that’ll build up on the skylight. But that’s nothing compared to what God usually has in store for me. He’s gotta do much worse than that to me. I just know it. Even so, I can’t wait to get out of here! We were wondering about certain things about the trailer, like if it has any dishes. Should we buy a $50 microwave just for the month or two that we use it? Will the crew want to use the bathroom? Well, I’ll let them know as soon as they ask that they have to piss elsewhere, if not quite in those words. We’ve got to go sparingly on water.

It’s hard to believe that I have only about ten more days of having to live with headphones on. That is when the shitfucks next door are home. But it’s either them or my music. Tom was worried that the construction on the land would get to me, but I doubt it. As long as I can keep a schedule, and as long as I know what’s going on and for how long, it shouldn’t be a problem. As long as it’s coming from within my own territory, that’s different, and I can deal with it. That doesn’t mean I want to go for in vitro (not that God would allow me to have a kid, naturally or not) and bring a kid into the house to make the same loud, obnoxious, nerve-fraying noise I’ve been trying for eight years to get away from. Besides, I still want to be selfish and live life for us. I’m not ready to have to give up my pets or my doll collecting, either.

Anyway, I finally found those chewable calcium supplements that taste like tootsie rolls, and that are therefore pleasant to take. I lack calcium in my diet cuz I can’t eat much in the way of dairy products cuz my stomach’s too sensitive to it.

We looked in some stores Tom wanted to look in, like camping stores, electronic stores, hardware stores, etc.

We stopped at a car parts store yesterday so he could play car for a while (we’re still looking for a backup vehicle of some sort). I got scented deodorizer while I was there, though, but instead of using it in the car, I’m using it as “duty spray” in the bathroom. It’s berry-scented, but it smells more like just grapes than a mix of berries.

We spent nearly $200 on software yesterday. Yes, it’s been so fun doing all this shopping, and we do feel like we’re on vacation at times! Now’s the time to do all this, too. Once we get settled in the house, it’ll be a while yet before we can splurge like this again.

He got some software for building decks, as well as another book on building things.

I got a dictionary which I love, and which I’ve been wanting for a long time. For a long time, I’ve wanted a quick and easy way to look up words on the computer. It’s even got Gloria’s name in it! I thought it’d have Linda’s too, for sure, but nope. Also, it’s got swears in it!

I got a new mahjong game, so I now have three versions of that game, which is my favorite computer game. It doesn’t have a lot of pretty, colorful tilesets, and most of its background pictures are boring or too blocky, but the cool thing about this version is that I can use my own wallpaper pictures for the background! Can’t do that with the others.

I also got a couple of games that deal with ghost hunting. One of the games is based on a series of books by John Saul.

OK, time to take another break.

Later…

Two years of not smoking yet I still continue to be interrupted by congestion every other time I sing. I feel like God just won’t let me move on and get ahead in life. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t know I’d still be tight and congested before I quit, or else I definitely wouldn’t have put myself through the hell of it and the weight gain. At least I saved money by quitting, and gave up the wheezing and the chances of me dying in a fatal asthma attack where we’re moving to since it’d take an ambulance about a half hour or more to get to me. I’ve been more congested here and less tight (it’s either one or the other). It’s still so insulting to hear people say that God helps those who help themselves when this is bullshit! When is he gonna help me after all my hard work with quitting smoking by taking away this tightness and congestion, even if it’s just some of it?

Anyway, our black and white assholes have still been much better overall. They were much worse last weekend. This weekend, though, they’d distract me with their bumps, bangs, and screams, but only a few times and for a second. Not twenty times for several minutes each. I just don’t understand why whitey has to play next door or in front of our place. What’s wrong with its own place?

Anyway, I have yet to cover some of the purchases we’ve made over the last handful of days, so let me get to that, and the other things I’ve done.

Tom showed me an easier way to make calendars with little pictures in each square so there can be a picture for each day, as well as for each month. It’s pretty cool.

I had wrapped flossy yarn around the plain, boring white plastic hanger that goes with this pink floral plant I just got, but it looked tacky. So, I took Tom’s advice and took the hanger off altogether, since it would look good on top of the kitchen cabinets with its branches hanging down.

My mail has finally gone out to Joebitch, Tammy, Larry, and Andy, but the Mexicans’ are gonna wait a little while. As I said, I don’t want to confuse the postal people too much.

I got a shiny, glittery headband. Two of them, actually. I was dumb enough to lose the first one, even if it was only $3, while we were in the food court getting my chicken wings and his hot dog. So I had to get another one. It looks dazzling, and I’m gonna need headbands the longer my bangs get, that’s for sure. It’s looking better than I thought it’d look with the bangs growing out. I look older, but not geekier. I’ll still never have the face and body I had in my twenties, that’s for sure! I’ll probably go back and forth between having bangs and not having them throughout my life. At least I can cut bangs instantly and not have to wait for them to shrink shorter like I have to wait for the bangs to grow longer!

I got some liquid foundation to better hide my facial blemishes which are worsening with age, rather than my usual powder foundation. I’ve got blotches, zits, and veins showing through my too-white, almost transparent, albino skin. Got some higher-quality mascara too, and six bottles of nail polish - white, black, light blue, yellow, orchid, and magenta. I still can’t do nail art too easily, though, cuz this stuff doesn’t do color over color very well. Oh well. At least I have all the really cool colors. I have each nail a different color.

Believe it or not, I got a rock. It’s a beautiful $3 pyrite rock that’s also known as fool’s gold. It shines and glitters so gorgeously.

When Tom went back to Border’s to get another book, I got a true-crime storybook about some guy that was a trucker that’d torture women he’d kidnap along the roads and a 4-book series by V.C. Andrews. This series has four little books, rather than five big ones.

Still can’t find a big enough wheel for Ratsy. If I have a hard time finding Fancy mice, I may get common white mice. They are kind of cute, it’s just that they all look the same and are less calm. Even so, they’re active enough to be entertaining to watch.

Last Friday night, I think it was, I almost fell off schedule again. I was having a bad allergy attack that just went on and on and on. So I took a Benadryl and ended up napping, which almost threw me off schedule. This is so amazing, though, that I still can’t believe it! Me? Able to keep a schedule?! It’s been nearly two months now. Usually, when you change a habit you’ve had for so many years, you’re not usually able to have it stick the first time around. It takes several attempts, but I couldn’t do it without the Melatonin, that’s for sure.

Tomorrow, Tom’s gonna do up a résumé for a day shift job and call Dennis, the guy who works for IBM and repairs the computers where Tom works. He told Tom to call him 4-5 days before we wanted the trailer set up, although we probably won’t be totally out of here and in it till around the 20th. Just one more wild weekend! Then what will God stick on us? Another $400 to have to be dished out on the fucking car? I just hope we can find a backup vehicle fast and that God doesn’t have them break simultaneously, which is something he’d do.

Tom didn’t have time to do the laundry today, thanks to the cursed car, so we’re doing it at Mary’s tomorrow. Believe it or not, Ma’s still in California. That’s fine with me. I really don’t want to deal with her and her problems right now. We’ve got enough of our own shit going on. Tom said they asked for a rail to be put up for Ma and at first I was pissed, thinking - here we go again with their wants, but as Tom said, they know he can’t be a regular slave of theirs. One favor here and there is OK, anyway, and they are being kind enough to let us do our clothes there. Tom said he’d put the dog outside, too. Good. Cuz even if he liked me the last time, I don’t want to take the chance that he’ll change his mind and decide to take a bite out of me. Dogs can be pretty unpredictable, even though he disagrees.

I’ve had the headphones off and haven’t heard a peep out of next door, which is nice.

Yesterday and today we went to Denny’s. On both days I got steak and shrimp. What is it with these waitresses and salespeople trying to be so friendly these days? They’re more than friendly. They’re pests. Our waitress wanted to chat while I was trying to eat. We can’t go into a store without being asked if we need any help as soon as we step foot in the door, we say no, then they go into a spiel about their measly deal they got running, then we have to go through the whole damn thing all over again with a different sale person five minutes later.

We looked in a wood-making store that Tom wanted to check out and discussed the possibility of getting unfinished furniture that we’d finish ourselves. I’d rather not do that, though.

We also looked in a couple of furniture stores. The entertainment center, though, would best be bought at a Walmart or something like that. I might get this gorgeous smooth, shiny black bedroom set so there won’t be too much whitewash in the house, since the kitchen set, the kitchen, and the baths will have whitewash. So will my computer desk.

We checked out dishes at Walmart and I found a beautiful set I want to get that sure beats Doe’s boring set, although I do intend to keep her stuff. I’ll just store it away. They have a series of designs, and I liked My Garden the best. We can get sets and we can get stuff individually, so as he pointed out, it won’t kill us to have to get a five-dollar pan for his hot dogs if we have no microwave or a wimpy one from the 70s that the guy said was there.

My period’s being erratic again, but that’s just the way I am these days. I told Tom I thought it had only been one week since getting my last period, but he said he thought it was two. As soon as he said that, I knew he’d be too scared to cum, although he pretended to be close to doing so. Maybe he really was close, but fear is a powerful thing. Yes, he finally initiated some sex Saturday morning, which I didn’t think we’d ever have here.

I forgot if it was Saturday or Sunday - one of those days - we went to another mall we hadn’t been to in a while and they had a doll store. Most of their dolls were only $15, about 16”, and very boring. They did have a couple of bigger, nicer dolls, but of course they were the ones that were between $80-$150.

I got a couple of cheap $5 Barbies at a drugstore that were in boring outfits, so I could put them in a couple of outfits I have that haven’t been worn. So now I have six Barbies.

Got another 17” porcelain doll too, at Walmart for just $17. They have a lot of these cheap dolls cuz of the holidays, but after Christmas, they’ll be gone. She’s from the same people who made the Meagan doll I got there right before we left Phoenix. I named her Shauna. She’s got a pretty dress for being so cheap. It’s a mint green dress with white lace and pine green and maroon floral-like trim. She has a matching hat. She has a pretty pink chiffon bow by one hip with little maroon flowers in the center of it. Rather than her shoes being typical white saddle shoes, she has white shoes with daisy cutouts and a few pearls. She has dark green-gray eyes and long blond hair.

My best news of all has to do with Jade and JBS Dolls, but I’ll get to it some other time.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1999 Why can’t I ever get an allergy attack close to bedtime? That way I can take Benadryl without having to worry about it knocking me out. I had allergy attacks on and off all day today and when I finally broke down and took a Benadryl, I fell asleep for an hour. My allergies are still bad, but it’s only 7:00, so I’m trying to keep from popping another one.

I haven’t heard a peep out of next door tonight which means they can’t be home. There’s no way they’d be this quiet if they were. Last night was a different story, though. The kids were right outside our window screaming, and there was a bang so loud from over there that I could hear it in the bedroom.

The blacks and white boys were most definitely helping the people that were next to us on our left side move out, cuz yesterday the housekeeper spent four hours in there cleaning. I heard every move she made too, in these “close to soundproof” walls. It’s too bad they left cuz they were never a problem (they must’ve been white), but for all I know, the new people could be just like next door to our right.

I told the Mexican housekeeper (they always get the shitty jobs when they do work) that all she had to do was change the bed, dump our trash, and replace our towels. She seemed like a nice lady, too.

They never did end up waking me up at 6:00 AM like we thought they were going to by repaving the parking lot, cuz they didn’t rip it up after all. All they’re doing is resurfacing it.

Real quick, then I want to finish my book - we went to look at exercise machines today, and to a mall I’ve never been to before. I got something cute, something pretty, and something cool.

The cute thing is a magnetic puppy memo pad.

The pretty thing is a floral headband. It’s got three sets of three different shades of pink roses. Nine roses in all. I’ve been growing my bangs out and I’ll be needing headbands to keep the hair out of my face as it grows longer.

The cool thing I got was a nail art set, but the paint’s pretty shitty. I mean, I can’t do the artwork from the book it comes with cuz the paint’s so thin, but the six different colors are pretty, nonetheless. Part of why it’s shitty is cuz it’s not regular nail polish. It’s a type of latex and you can peel it off. You don’t even need polish remover. The six colors are white, black, yellow, red, blue, and green.

Before we shopped we got a few bites in this little diner with an obnoxious cook who was playing drums with his cooking utensils, and with these fucked up mini jukeboxes. Of the three songs I wanted to hear, only one played the right song. The numbers didn’t match the songs for the most part.

I think the blacks are in now, cuz I think I hear voices over there.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1999 I got my first porcelain doll (that I bought) one year ago today and that was Anne.

Anyway, I got up at 7:30 and ever since then, it's been quite noisy between the construction going on just outside the complex, sirens, barking, banging within the building, and now the fucking mowers are out. I can't believe it's quiet at night around here. At 7:45 this morning I heard what sounded like a beat of a song being tapped out on a counter or something, but couldn't tell if it was next door. Just in case it was, I slammed some cabinets right back to them. At least I can give these blacks their shit right back a lot easier than I could with the Phoenix blacks. I thought, though, that they left before 7:30, cuz I've never heard them here that early. If it was them and they left afterward, wouldn't I have heard their screaming voices on the way out? Well, I don't know for sure who it was or where it was.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 1999 Tom called about an hour ago saying he might’ve gotten a hold of a suitable trailer. He said it’s 27’ long with a full bath and all that, but it’s 20 years old. That’s OK, I told him. As long as we get out of here, although it’s quiet right now, and the blacks did quiet down after that initial wild spree they went on upon coming home. It’s mostly my just wanting to be on the land and watch the workers work, now that God’s blessed me with one less thing to have to worry about - my schedule. Anyway, he wanted to know if it’d be OK to check it out without me. Of course, I told him.

He got stopped by a cop last night on his way to work for having a broken headlight. It figures, huh? Just one more thing we gotta deal with and pay for, but he didn’t get any ticket or fine or anything like that. He said he didn’t even know it was broken.

Tom called HSN and had them change our address, but just like I knew there’d be some kind of problem like there always is with HSN, he couldn’t order online cuz it didn’t recognize the address. I’ve been fighting for Sekarina, and now Chyna, for how long now? Long enough to know these dolls just aren’t meant to be. So now I’ve got $400 to decide what to do with. Should I go to JBS Dolls which should be open now? Should I look elsewhere online? Or should I get more Ashton-Drake dolls? Ashton-Drake is the only one reliable when it comes to non-store stuff. With them, what you see is what you get. There are no ordering hassles, and nothing’s sold out without you knowing it till you try to order it.

Speaking of dolls, I packed all my dolls since we won’t be here too much longer, and since we’re getting maid service tomorrow (unless there’s some problem with that, too).

I forgot to mention that yesterday when we stopped at the grocery store, I got a really pretty bottle I’m keeping. The bottle had tea in it which I drank on the way back cuz I was so thirsty, but for just a buck, it came in this pretty bottle with pink flowers on a green and purple background. The seal around the bottle’s neck has pretty blue, pink, and purple flowers. It says Arizona on it so it’s kind of a souvenir type thing too, and another southwestern decoration for me that’s pretty, bright, and colorful. I like southwestern decorations, but not southwestern furniture.

Later…

I have both good news and bad news.

The bad is that on the 7th, these mother-fucking assholes who just have to always have something going on are gonna be tearing up the parking lot at 6:00 in the fucking morning. The motherfucking cocks! Always, always, always gotta be doing something. This is total harassment and I do intend to take Tom’s suggestion and file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. I told you they’d be off to a new project as soon as the painting was done. I can’t believe they have the nerve to charge the outrageous fee they do just to be harassed by them and have to listen to other people’s noise! What will the project of choice be after that? The roof? Are they gonna be running around on the roof since they can’t sit still?

I didn’t hear from the blacks next door today till 5:00 (just the kids screaming, but no banging) and for a minute there I thought they were moving or were helping the white trash at the end move out, but I don’t get what the fuck they’re doing. One of the black boys and whitey are moving stuff out from the left side of us, which is the wrong direction for either the white trash or the blacks.

Anyway, in better, more important news - we own the land!!!!! Yes, they closed early on it since it’s already all paid for.

Also, Tom got a deal on a trailer from a guy at work. We’re gonna use his personal trailer and we agreed on $100 a week, plus we’d refuel the thing afterward, too. I’ll write more about the trailer once it’s set up and ready for us, but that won’t be for a couple of weeks yet. Just two black weekends left, though!

I wasn’t out much today. Just to get new headlights for the car and refills in a new Walgreens. I got a couple of nice cactus magnets too, which makes a total of three new ones.

Believe it or not, it was actually quiet around here today, but it won’t be when they repave the parking lot. Also, if those blacks are moving, and I don’t think they are, they’re gonna be noisy with getting it set up for a new batch of noisy, rude, selfish blacks.

Tomorrow’s maid service day. It’ll be interesting if they do what I think they’ll do. I’ll tell them they don’t have to bother dusting or vacuuming. I don’t want them too close to our stuff, and besides, we have the vacuum here now, so I’ll vacuum anything that needs vacuuming.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1999 It’s prime black time now, so we’ll see how they are, but I don’t think they’ll be any different now that I’ve finally had my fill of these fucks and complained on them (so I won’t be leaving the letter up above. I’ll leave a different one). You know how those fucking blacks are - always gotta be the center of attention. They’re so rude and so selfish I can’t believe she even smiled at me when we moved in here.

We were out for most of the weekend, but when we were here, they just wouldn’t sit still. They’d be quiet for a while, then they’d get pretty damn noisy. While I was listening to music, Tom said it sounded like they were building something over there.

God’s forcing these noisy blacks and Mexicans on me and I just don’t know why! I just don’t get it! Why is it always me? Why can’t I live next to quiet, white neighbors, huh? Why is that so much to ask for? If they absolutely have to be blacks or Mexicans, can’t they at least shut up and leave me the fuck alone? Why do I have to hear every fucking move they make?

God, I hate blacks and Mexicans! Fuck the motherfuckers!!! It’s like - here we go again with the shit they bring. It’s no wonder so many people hate them. They deserve any hatred and shit they get for the way they carry on in society without a care for anyone or anything but themselves.

Anyway, I left the office a message about them and about the fact that neither of us was too happy that they entered this apartment without our permission first (they left another stool in here while we were out Saturday). That was nice of them, but they could’ve and they should’ve waited till someone was here.

The cock at the office called and talked to Tom this morning before we headed out. The fucking painting of the doors that just couldn’t wait till we were out of here was brought up. Tom let them know I have asthma and that we don’t want our door left open either, while we’re out. The dude said he’d paint the door with it shut while we were out and would do the edges after we left, after lying about having asthma too.

The cock said he’d talk to next door, and there was a note on their door waiting for them, but again, I know blacks. When they do consider those around them, it’s to go out of their way to deliberately harass them one way or another. Nothing will ever change with the blacks of this world. Nothing.

Tom said the guy said I was very angry. Even though he denies this, I can tell Tom doesn’t believe me when I tell him I didn’t swear or use the N-word any more than he believes me when I tell him I didn’t call the Mexican a slur, but oh well. I know what I said, and of course I was angry. I had every right to be. What did the guy expect? For me to call up laughing about it? I didn’t know who I wanted to beat the shit out of more - the blacks or the lying little cock.

They just got in over there and I can hear them stomping their asses off next door now and the kids are right in front of our place screaming. It just has to be our place that they have to play in front of. They’re not doubt totally furious now, but tough fucking shit! If you’re gonna run around like a bunch of wild animals, you should expect complaints like this. They gotta know we were the ones to complain too, cuz they're pals with the people on the other side of them, and no one’s below them now. The people below them got locked out for not paying up and it’s gotta be due to either the blacks, the hassles around here with the painting, or both. So many things are fucked up around here. Especially considering what people are paying. They don’t even have numbers on their fucking oven dials, so I couldn’t bake my macaroni and cheese in the oven the other day.

I think the blacks are permanent residents and that the white trash on the end next to them definitely is. They must’ve done bartering where they agreed to let the guy, his lady, and his animal boy live here in exchange for his painting, etc.

I dig how they left us a note after they got done painting while we were out saying, thanks for your “coroperation.” Fucking idiots can’t even spell.

The blacks below us are also a noise problem, but they’re easier to deal with than next door. The fucking blacks live in their bedroom, constantly banging drawers and shit around, but the fan takes care of them a lot easier, but when I come out to do writing, for example, I have to go through the hassle of dragging my headphones out cuz of the blacks next door. I just don’t understand why everyone’s gotta force their ways on others. It’s not that I’m against blacks and Mexicans being so loud, it’s when they force it on others who don’t want to hear it that I have a problem.

Tom bought the six priority mail stamps needed for my manila envelopes, but who knows when we’ll actually mail them? I decided I’d let the black bitch’s shit go first before the Mexicans’, cuz I don’t want to confuse the postal people with 3 manila envelopes addressed to that same address.

Anyway, let me back up to Saturday. I still say Sekarina and Chyna aren’t gonna happen, but he disagrees. He called the HSN and they said both those item numbers were sold out, but he thinks that they got a new batch of these dolls and that they have different item numbers online. He had them change the address, and tonight he’s gonna try to see if he can order those two, but I’ve pretty much written them off as lost causes just like with Marisa. I still do intend to check back on Marisa later on, though, and on Glenora, too. It’s just that I can’t afford Sekarina, Chyna, and Glenora right now without going over my thousand-dollar limit. I’ll only get Glenora if I’m right about Chyna and Sekarina, but with my shit luck, she won’t be available, either. Between mid to late November, though, Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, and Colette should be here so that’s good.

After getting lost for what seemed like the millionth time, and stopping for Jack-n-the-Box we went out to the land. It doesn’t have the greatest mountain view since they are far away, but it’s still beautiful and I can’t wait till the day we finally get there no matter what God’s gonna do to us for it. I just want to get there and to hell with what he has planned for us! It’s absolutely gorgeous there and it was dead quiet. Of course, that’s to be changing as soon as we get there, but we won’t share the same walls with loud, rude, obnoxious, selfish little fucks, and they won’t be just 3’ away, either! The only thing I didn’t like was the garbage that ran through the wash over the years; mostly broken glass. Tom said it’s 30 years’ worth of stuff. I’d think so since it’s not like there are a lot of people out there. You can only see a few houses in back and they’re not near the wash. Anyway, we’ll clean it up as best we can.

We discussed where we want the house and took some pictures.

Tom spoke to Steven today, but couldn’t get in touch with Gravity.

We tested the road we’d normally take to go to Melanie’s and it’s about a 45-minute drive. Very scenic, but long. Nonetheless, we’ve agreed to stick with her at least for the rest of the year.

We stopped at Dairy Queen on the way back.

We were at a huge mall Saturday which was mobbed. It was either that or sit here and listen to the blacks bang around. They had a little cart in the center of the aisle with dolls. I’ve never seen them in an isle cart before. They were just so-so. At first I was like - oh, I have to have that Japanese (or Chinese) doll in the red satin dress - but when I got a closer look at her face - nope. I saw several different boring porcelain dolls in different places.

Just when I was about to give up hope of this mall having those Indian babies I wanted, I found them. And I’m so glad I got them where I did too, cuz no one else seems to have them with the pretty jewelry that mine have. Tom was right, though. They are everywhere.

I got $80 Asha, who’s about 10” sitting. She’s the crying one. After seeing a crying one today with its eyes open, I’m glad I got mine with its eyes closed. It looks more natural and just seems to go with the expression better. It’s cool to see the open mouth with the little tongue inside. Her hair’s in two braids. I took the maroon ribbons out that were on the ends, though, cuz I like the white rubber bands under it better. Both doll’s outfits are the same except for their colors (I don’t know if you’d call the material felt, velvet, or a type of suede). Also, Nyla, my other doll who’s about 20” long, has a silver/turquoise necklace and bracelets. Asha’s sleeper is white, and just like Nyla, only her hands and head are porcelain. The rest of her body is stuffed, but they’re stuffed a little differently. Asha’s is harder and feels more like a stuffed animal. Nyla’s is like a beanbag. She’s weighted to feel like a real baby too, and is almost as realistic as Bailey is in size/looks. Asha’s in a sitting position, although her legs do move and she can be laid down. Her arms move, too. She wears a necklace of red beads, with a few lighter colored ones, and an I-don’t-know-what-you’d-call-it around the head. It’s of the same material as the sleeper is, and it’s a strip of material that’s tied around the forehead with a knot in the back of the head. There’s an oval silver design made of aluminum in the front and it’s also on the chest of her sleeper, too. It’s the same case with Nyla, too. Hers, though, is deep red and so are her hair ribbons. It’s like a wine red, I guess, and boy is she adorable! Both dolls are very different than anything I’ve had yet. She too, came with her eyes closed, although hers are shut cuz she’s sleeping. I put Bailey in a sitting position with Nyla’s head on her lap and it looked so cute/realistic. I took a couple of pictures of it.

I’ve got Nyla, Asha, and Falling Star packed in the box that Nyla and Asha came in, which is a nice box with those little pieces of foam to keep them stable. Also, I named these two dolls myself.

Thank God I didn’t settle on that $200 redhead!

For variety, I put Bailey’s hair in two ponytails, and again, it looks very realistic.

At an outlet where things were dirt cheap, I got two outfits for just $4. They’re a combination of shirt/shorts.

Got a $17 fake plant with pink flowers. Some of the flowers hang down like a spider plant, so it’s really pretty. It’s got a boring white plastic hanger, though, so I’ll have to decorate it when we get to the house.

I checked pet stores for a new wheel for Ratsy, but couldn’t find one big enough. No one’s got mice and rats these days. That’s a bummer. How am I gonna get any more after we move? Ratsy’s still the only one that wheels, though. Porky jumps in the wheel sometimes, but only to keep Ratsy from pinning him when they play the game of pin the opponent.

Got a Lita Ford CD with that song I like that I heard only once on the 80s station back in Phoenix. I’m sure that once we get hooked up with a satellite again, though, they’ll play it all the time.

Yesterday I got a couple of puzzles to do on the dresser in the bedroom at Walgreen’s, and a magnet with a cactus on it.

We went to look in CompUSA, and then an excellent store called Borders. They have books, music, and videos. I got four books. A V.C. Andrews one, and a few ghost/murder mystery books. He got a book on making decks, garages, and things like that.

We also went to Denny’s again where I got my steak and eggs. This Denny’s had a very different layout from any other I’ve seen. A big old lady was sitting nearby. She got up, then walked past us just as the food was delivered and she said, “That steak’s bigger than you!”

Now that’s a compliment. Yeah, but I gotta watch all this eating I’ve been doing. Yes, I’ve done a great deal of walking, but you know how my body just doesn’t burn calories like it used to, and walking’s never helped my weight in the past.

We’ve picked up groceries along the way and went to Jiffy Lube for a tune-up, but you know what? It looks like God’s hit us with yet a new round of car problems. Can’t we ever have a fucking car that works?! God, we don’t need car trouble now! We don’t! We have enough to do! Have some compassion, will you? We’ve been punished enough. Tom says it’ll be no big deal, but yes it will be. We’re due for another round of car trouble, and God knows he has no place to work on the damn thing other than Mary’s driveway. Anyway, this latest shit has to do with the power steering fluid leaking, which is making this grinding sound.

Yesterday and today we looked at two trailer lots, but so far we didn’t find what we’re looking for. We’re looking to rent a little trailer that we can live in on the land till the house is ready. Like Tom told the cock in the office, though, we’re out of here by the 24th even if it means sleeping in the street. I just hope we can find something affordable before the house is built and ready.

We went to a different mall today and I ate Chinese while he ate pizza.

While I was there I got scented lotion, a free bar of soap to go with it, and some pretty, colorful, shiny hair clips. I’d really like to get these pretty, colorful rhinestones you put in your hair some time. The saleslady had them in her hair and they looked cool.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1999 Yippee! The blacks downstairs just left. They were playing musical dresser drawers all fucking morning. They get up at the same time I do. Anyway, they were so noisy this morning that I wonder if they could’ve been packing and if they moved out today, but I don’t know. I get the impression people aren’t coming and going every day here and that the average stay is 1-3 months. Any minute now I’m gonna have the blacks next door and little whitey to deal with, but we’ve only got 22 days or less left here.

On my way out, I’m going to leave a little note on the counter here giving my little review of this place. I’ve enclosed a copy of it here.

Here we go. Next door just started up with their shit and hit the walls, cabinets and doors. I saw one of the black boys head downstairs. I guess there are two different white boys and two different black boys that live/play over there.

I think I forgot to mention this, but we can be connected to the black people next door. There are adjoining doors in our living room behind an end table just like in hotels, but I’d say this place feels much more like apartments than a hotel. And when they get to banging and slamming shit around next door, it totally reminds me of living next door to that butch at the Vista.

I’m surprised I don’t hear much more in the way of dogs around here.

One of the things I’m excited about is knowing that today, when he gets in, I’m ordering six dolls! If all goes well, I’ll have Sekarina, Chyna, Colette, Glenora, Sacajawea, and Pine Leaf on their way to me today.

To Management:

For whatever it’s worth, I did not find this place as quiet as I was told it’d be. Yes, there were some quiet periods, and fortunately, it was quiet at night. However, on and off throughout the day and evening, I could hear spurts of banging coming from the room below us. Also, the people next door in #4 were quite annoying at times between them and their company. I could hear them going in and out of their cabinets for hours, and they’d slam their doors a lot. Also, their kids would be right out front on the patio and stairs stomping around and screaming for hours. I highly suggest you lower your rates if it’s going to be this noisy and this easy to hear neighbors below/next to you.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1999 And the weekend anxiety continues. Weekends will still be a bitch and filled with a ton of noise until we get to the house. And even then, who knows what gunfire we’ll hear from those weekend hunters? We talked about the possibility of renting a trailer and living on the land until we can get into the house. I like that idea very much.

I was just about to say that this has been the quietest day here so far, with just a few scattered bangs, but then the fucking sanding machine had to start up. They just gotta do something.

The reason I’m not looking forward to the weekend is cuz of the blacks next door and the white kid that practically lives there. At first I thought both families lived there, but Tom said the white boy and his parents live on the end. We’re the third one from the end and the blacks are the second. I’m sick of God sticking those blacks and kids on me! It’s like – enough is enough for fuck’s sake!! Well maybe, just maybe, this really is the last year I’ll have to listen to other people’s antics, but I don’t know. I’m just afraid that if it is, some new ongoing curse will begin in its place and I’ll have to deal with that throughout most of the next decade.

These fucking assholes really make living here during the late afternoon/evening hours hell. And the weekends, too. What I think is that the white kid’s mother works past when it gets out of school, but the black doesn’t, so the kid is at the blacks people’s place till its mother gets in around 6:30-7:00. This is why the fucking kid is screaming its head off with its many toys all over next door’s patio and not elsewhere and why I thought it lived next door (God just had to find a way to bring him closer to me). I thought it lived there too, cuz of all the time it spends over there. It might as well live there, cuz it’s only in its place to sleep. There are about 15 rooms per floor, with two sets of stairs at either end leading up here. One of the stairs just had to be right in front of our place, and stairs are a magnet for kids to play on. So, when it’s not on the patio next door, which is still too close for comfort, it’s playing and screaming on the stairs just outside here. And the thing of it is, is that I know these people will be here as long as we are, give or take a couple of days. I wouldn’t get all psyched up, though, if they left right now, cuz I know better. I’ve learned from experience that God would just replace them with the same old noisy shit.

Well, for whatever it’s worth, I do intend to set that guy straight that knowingly lied to me (not that I didn’t know he was lying) and let him know that it’s only quiet when the sanding machines are off and people aren’t going in and out of their cabinets over and over a zillion times and throwing shit up against the wall. The reason I’m not gonna say anything now is that I know it won’t do me any good. If that doesn’t make them all the noisier, it at least won’t make them any less noisy, either. They’ll just be like - how dare you complain on us even if you do have a point and we truly are quite noisy!

The only thing that’s different here as far as the construction of the building goes is that footsteps don’t vibrate the floors. If you’ve got someone that loves to stomp real hard like Andy, you’d hear his foot making contact with the floor, of course, but he couldn’t jolt someone awake that was next door by making them think an earthquake just broke out.

The only other thing you hear a lot more of here is sirens cuz there’s a police station nearby.

I can’t believe I haven’t found one spider in here. Just a couple of little tiny ant-like creatures.

I sent Marla my explanation of why I was walking away from Andy and can only guess as to if she’s pissed or understands or both, but it doesn’t matter either way. What’s done is done. On my third day here I sort of felt bad and a little bit guilty but I quickly got over it and other than that, I don’t feel guilty for what I did. I had to do what I had to do just like anyone else in this world and like I said, he’s not alone. He has others who are on his level. The poor guy probably thinks he’ll never see his phone message tape again, but he should have it by next week.

Mary’s dog Pepper bit Evelyn. As Tom says, Evelyn’s not a very nice person (she sits with his mom all day), but still, that’s all it took for me to hear and now I know I won’t ever go in that house again unless that dog is either outside or locked in some room.

Ma’s latest problem is that she’s got shingles. Tom said he had no idea what it was, so I went online to look it up. It’s fluid-filled blisters on the skin.

The dumb shit’s going to California with David and Evie, who Tom’s worried will screw up her medication. Actually, it’s Mary that’s the dumb shit. OK, so this may be her only chance to ever go there, but if she’s incompetent enough not to make the best decisions for her, then Mary should. She’s just gonna end up causing more problems for Tom and stealing more of his time so our lives get delayed some more. A part of me wonders if she likes being a burden to people and if she wants to be smothered by people doting on her. I don’t know. Either that or maybe she really is out of it that she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. I’m just sick of her problems! It’s like - God? Yo, God? What are you waiting for? Take this woman and just let her be with Dad. She belongs with him. Let him spend the time and effort on her, OK? She’s done her time here and all she can do is be miserable and make others miserable, too.

Although I didn’t know approximately what month she’d die, I knew during Dad’s funeral that she would die when it was hot. Of course she will. So I can die of the heat during the services.

Later…

What a fucking liar! A total, total liar! I knew I did the right thing by cutting off Tammy. For many reasons. One of them is because she’s one of the biggest liars I ever knew and she simply cannot be trusted. Ever since she tried telling me Art’s voice went out, I knew deep down she was lying. Still, I was curious about proving her wrong and hearing for myself what a liar she is, so I called Florida, he answered, and he sounded perfect. Just like he’s always sounded. I knew that bitch was full of shit, saying anything to get me back in touch with them.

It took me a while to get through cuz the line was busy and I expect it will be a lot in the near future what with how I bluffed them. I did the same for Larry and Tammy, but they don’t know it yet. I bluffed them all by saying I sent duplicate copies of each letter to people they know, so naturally, they’re gonna be paranoid for a while and keep asking people if they’ve heard from me. They need what they’re getting from me. They not only deserve it, but maybe they’ll actually learn something from it!

We got our first sales call. At least there aren’t a dozen a day! I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up back to the same old shit after moving.

They didn’t ask to paint our door today. The fucking painters that won’t be done for weeks are painting the turquoise doors purple. We told them Wednesday and Thursday weren’t convenient for us, and hopefully they’ll take the hint and just wait till we leave. I don’t need this place stunk up with paint at $850 a month. We’re already paying hundreds of dollars to hear next door bang and scream. We don’t need to pay for any more interruptions.

Later…

The white boy and the black boy are out playing on the stairs. They arrived at 4:22 on the dot. They were down on the grass playing ball, but whenever they do that, it’s never for long. They prefer to sit and scream on the stairs and the patio.

Nothing makes me sicker than seeing a child with a child, as I did at Denny’s yesterday. This child-mother couldn’t have been a day over 15. I don’t know which I felt sorry for most -the child, whose mother’s still too young to know how to take care of even herself let alone it, or the mother, whose life is over when it should’ve just been beginning.

Well, let me get into yesterday’s outing before I get backed up. I was hoping it’d be fun, but for the most part, it was a bore. We were out for nine hours, but we spent about five of it driving and getting slowed down in construction. This city’s so fucking full of construction everywhere and I won’t miss it!

After leaving just after 9:30 and getting lost, we arrived at Steven’s at close to 10:30 to finish up the options. The only bad news is that I can’t get that beautiful pink carpet I wanted. We can’t find a sample that matches what he’s got. I don’t want burnt mauve. I wanted the champagne pink. I’m still getting plush carpet, though, even if I’ll put rocking dents in it. I was right in figuring from the get-go that the carpet would be either pink or blue. Instead of going back to the bumpy spice carpet, which is sort of like a cranberry color, I chose Providence Blue. A vivid pretty blue that’s neither too light nor too dark. It’s a medium blue shade. Meanwhile, I’ll have more decorations with pink in them and it’ll look great.

His kittens made me sneeze while I was there, but they were fun to play with anyway. Minnie liked me and Mickey liked Tom. Steven doesn’t seem to like them, but Tommy does. He was so mean to Tommy at one point too, telling him to “just do what I said,” but Tommy seems like enough of a sucker to put up with it. He seems very submissive.

After an hour or a little more at Steven’s we intended to go out to the land, but it was just too far to Casa Grande where we had to go first. We didn’t realize it was so far and we were running out of time. Casa Grande’s a nice little town, though. We paid for the land in a place with gorgeous southwestern decorations where we had to sit on our asses some more. I love being with Tom, but I had to sit the whole fucking day away, between the car and the office. We had to wait quite a while in line at the bank, too.

When we got into Scottsdale, we went on a wild goose chase trying to find a Laundromat, which is scarce out here. First, though, we stopped in the store I got Anne, Edie, Rapunzel and Angel, and they only had 3-4 impressive dolls, but they were $400-$600 and not impressive enough to buy. Kachina dolls are a joke. Totally tacky.

Tom asked me if I had noticed the fem drooling over the Barbies when we were in there, but I didn’t. I just don’t get these feminine gays and masculine lesbians, and it looks like I never will. If you’re not attracted to anything feminine, then how can you drool over Barbies? And again, why do you have to look like a man in order to be attracted to women if you’re a woman? I just don’t get why liking women means you can’t look like one.

We went to a Laundromat that was practically right next door to the doll store, and amazingly enough, we were the only ones in there the whole time. I’m sure we won’t be that lucky next time. It had a ton of washers, but only four dryers. They were big, kick-ass dryers, though.

Our last stop was Denny’s where I got another steak and eggs dinner. It was good, but a little tough this time.

He changed the credit card address today, and tomorrow we’re ordering Chyna, Sekarina and Glenora! Yes, good news - I found Glenora online! Also, Tom had a brilliant idea last night. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself, but he suggested I look and see if the home shopping network has a web page, and they did. I was able to look up Sekarina and see that they have her! And Chyna, too.

Here’s my latest doll plan: I’ve decided to order Chyna, Sekarina and Glenora online. And Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, and Colette (another ballerina made by the same artist that made Patrice) from Ashton-Drake. That’ll leave $200 to get a couple of Indian babies like the ones I saw a few days ago. I’ll try again for Marisa with any birthday/Christmas money I may get, and go to JBS Dolls in March when we have more spending money. It’s just that I don’t want to go there and be overwhelmed with wanting more dolls and having more to pick from. Also, if I wait until then, they should be somewhat established.

[tapatiopickle]

042924 0257am

i am about to rest. i had a very good day today! i wasnt agitated, i was rather happy. did i get anything done? no, but thats ok.

anon, i love water so much, idk what it is about it. its true about how they say that actual water drinkers like room temperature water. i dont care for cold water. i do like warm water, but only for tea or right after i wake up or go to bed. i lovovovove my room temp water. so yummy! i lvoe the lemon in it too. bahah.

tomorrow morning, i think i will have avocado toast for breakfast and some more fruit. ive been eating so much fruit recently too.

water, healthy eating, outside time, and movement are the cure for sadness.

it was about time i finally took some accountability for my sadness. i am not a victim. my life only sucked because i made it suck. i only felt such pain because i kept drowning myself in it. do i still hurt now and then? yes, but so does everyone else. whats important is to feel it, realize why i am feeling that way, and actively try to feel better. life isnt bad. i believe it is inherently neutral. you cant have good without bad, such is nature. and nature always returns to balance since i am nature myself.

goodnight, anon! i will dream vividly tonight. i know i will because ive been dreaming brightly for a few nights now. i need to start writing them down again. maybe ill tell you some tomorrow over tea and toast? <3

[coolgirl32]

Episode 1 season 1 A very beautiful day

Ok so now that everyone got to know the people and peaceville so this is the first season and first episode of the 1950s family life I'm going to try my very hardest so enjoy also no copyrighting or reposting without my permission so please do enjoy

It starts with a beautiful morning in the Henderson House Jacqulyn Henderson wakes up with a smile on her face she gets up and stretches and tiptoes to the kitchen without waking her husband or her children up.

When she got to the kitchen she prepared everyone's breakfast she made pancakes bacon eggs orange juice apple juice milk toast and some fruit and also prepared baby food for her twin babies the smell of the breakfast woke everyone up with a good mood, when everyone went to the dining room they saw that everything was on the table ready to be eaten and enjoyed. While everyone was eating George and his wife put Zoe and Emmett in high chairs so George and Jacqulyn can feed Zoe and Emmett with the mushed up baby food that has breast milk in it. after everyone got done eating and putting their dishes in the sink everyone went to there bedrooms to get dressed Jacqulyn and George got Zoe and Emmett dressed.

A few minutes later

Everyone was already dressed Rachel and Liam Victoria and Andrew Abby and Max were already at their schools and Zoe and Emmett were at daycare George and Jacqulyn we're already driving to work at George's office. When they got to the office everyone said hi to them they said hi back and went to their office room and sat at both their desks. When they got finished with their work it was lunch time luckily Jacqulyn brought not only hers but her husband's lunch to work as well when they started eating their lunch George complimented his wife on making a really good lunch of course it was leftovers from last night. When they got done eating their lunch they went back to work while they were working it started to rain outside both George and Jacqulyn were both shocked and a little disappointed because they wanted to take their kids out to the park maybe next time they thought but they continue to work.

A few hours later

George and Jacqulyn headed back home safely and are now at their house staying warm and dry waiting for their children to come home from school today Zoe and Emmett are taking a nap in their room in their cradles after being picked up from their parents today. When the rest of the children came home from school they told their parents the kind of day they had today. A few hours later after supper everyone was getting ready for bed and brushing their teeth after everyone did that the kids headed to the living room George was in there with a Bible for kids George put on his reading glasses and began to read Daniel's 3 to his children when the story ended he told his kids to never give up on God and to never lose faith when it was bedtime everyone headed off to bed.

A few moments later

George and Jacqulyn were in their shared bed reading their books when George looked at the time he told his wife it was bedtime they had a big day tomorrow his wife agreed and they put their books away and George took his reading glasses off put them on the nightstand next to him and turn off his lamp his wife turned off her lamp they both lay down and they both kissed each other passionately saying good night to each other and they fell right to sleep until the next day or they'll have a wonderful happy day they hope that it'll be sunny tomorrow

I hope you all like this episode 2 will come out anyway I hope everyone enjoyed this and I will be riding X-Men 97 fanfic in a little while you all will be surprised on what it's going to be