#it just feels like nothing is going to change and I'm so tired
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so hard to choose from all these wips but pls gimme some of:
🔄🔄🔄
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
📝📝📝📝📝
👨🍳👨🍳👨🍳👨🍳👨🍳
yeah months after but I finally got toanswer it (I'm sorry <333)
9 from 7x4 reverse with Sal:
“So, how was football?” Tommy aims for feigned disinterest, missing some lightness in tone for it to be believable, but Sal just drugs and smiles.
“It was fine. Kid got us good tickets. And it was cool to watch the game with someone who doesn’t moan every second about how bored he is.”
“Hey, I don’t moan!”
“Yeah, you're right. You whine like a baby who wants cuddles from their mama.”
“I don’t whine,” whines Tommy and on Sal’s smirk and a raised eyebrow answers with silence, changing the tactic.
9+ for break up and make up after 7s au:
“And then Sal …” when Evan says the name it’s like the lever inside his mind is yanked down and his brain is off. Evan’s voice is around him but he hears nothing. It’s like the headphones are put on him and he can make some outside noise, but not enough to actually comprehend anything. He just sits there, passing his food, not in the mood to eat. His stomach feels too easy to make sick.
“..my! Tommy!” the louder when before voice and the touch of his shoulder makes him jump in his seat and Evan takes his hand away. “Sorry, you just weren't answering me and I asked if you wanted to come to my place or you wanted me to come to yours as you seem pretty tired,” Evan smirks, but his usual playfulness and Tommy tries to answer but big blue eyes go sadder.
He guesses he didn’t fool Evan.
“Sorry, Evan, I’m really tired and have a headache. Want to be alone. If it’s ok?”
15 for Justin knows best:
“From what I saw he was,” Mr. Russo’s voice answers, “he was almost eye fucking you during renovations.”
“I’m sure he did it not to me, but to Eddie. Or should I remind you that it’s him he took to Vegas and I’ve got only one Harbor tour that I asked about.”
Justin nods to sadness in Mr.B voice feeling the anger on his uncle and Mr.Diaz getting higher. They broke his perfect plan and made Mr. B sad.
“First, Eddie was on the other side of the room and those big blue eyes were still taking off your tank top and shorts. Second, I remember about Vegas. You were mopping about it a lot recently,” Mr. Russo listed. “Maybe it was just a friendly fly? I mean they watched a fight together. If you ask me I’d fight a guy who takes me to a fight as a first date because I hate it. And you too.”
“Yeah, I thought it too,” Mr. says and then he somehow gets sadder, “but it wasn’t only Vegas. They also worked over Eddie’s Chavele. And yesterday they went to Karaoke trivia together. And Eddie asked me to babysit,” Mr. B whines the last sentence and Justin sees red.
and 15 for second part on I wanna dance with you universe
“What is it?” Evan asks and Tommy shrugs, giving him a playful look, and waits for him to open the box, loving the laugh Evan makes when he reads the custom inscription.
Still laughing, Evan takes the bright pink apron out and turns it so that Tommy can read it, bold black lettering makes him smirk again.
He’s my favorite housewife
“So you want me as your housewife?” Evan asks.
“Do you like it,” Tommy ignores the question.
“I like the color and the title but only if it’s a joke. Because if it’s not, it's like a huge red flag and I’m gonna run from here right now.”
Tommy hugs the perfect waist, kissing the neck, loving the shiver that goes over Evan’s body, “just a joke, baby of course. And now as far as I remember,” Tommy nuzzles into Evan's neck, biting it, “I was promised that if I'll buy you apron you love, I can fuck you in it. Only in it,” Tommy whispers in Evan’s ear and bites the skin right near it.
“I-I did say it, didn’t I?” Evan puts his hand in his hair pushing his head till their lips meet.
Using his body weight Tommy pushes his boyfriend till he’s near the counter and then sits him there, not breaking the kiss, with pleasure swallowing the moan Evan makes.
Ending the kiss Tommy gets back to working on Evan’s neck, while his boyfriend unbuttons his shirt.
#my wips#bucktommy#justin knows best wip#7x4 reverse au wip#apron sex wip#fic: I tried to go on like I never knew you
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hold my hand
pairing - lee hyein x female reader
synopsis - hyein has always loved holding your hand, but today is somehow different—in a good way that makes your heart race.
genre - cute shit :/
warning - nothing here
word count - 828
a/n - i'm tired of writing fluff, but my ass can't seem to write angst :(
you and hyein had always been close.
like, really close.
holding hands wasn’t even new to either of you. but today?
oh, today felt different.
it wasn’t just the normal kind of hand-holding. there was something in the air that made it... ten times more awkward.
the two of you were walking back from school, backpacks slung over your shoulders, and you could feel hyein fidgeting next to you.
you glanced at her, catching her eye for a second before she quickly looked away, cheeks flushing pink.
“you okay, hye?” you asked, chuckling softly at how jittery she was acting.
“y-yeah! i’m fine!” she squeaked, her voice going up like two octaves. not convincing at all.
you raised an eyebrow, curious but too amused to push her further.
the group—hanni, minji, haerin, and danielle—was trailing behind, laughing at some inside joke, but hyein?
she was too focused on what seemed like a life-changing decision in her head.
you could practically hear her thoughts scrambling to make sense of what she wanted to do next.
it wasn’t long before hanni’s voice cut through the air.
“yah! y/n! are you coming with us or what? we’re almost at hyein’s house!” she whined, dragging the end of her sentence with that classic dramatic flair she always had.
“yeah, yeah, i’m coming,” you called back, waving her off, but that’s when you felt it.
hyein’s hand brushed against yours.
at first, it was like an accident.
or maybe that’s what she wanted you to think.
the second time it happened, though?
definitely on purpose.
you glanced at her, catching her nibbling on her bottom lip as if she wasn’t debating whether or not to actually hold your hand.
you smiled softly, finding her nervousness adorable.
“what are you doing?” you whispered, leaning slightly closer.
her eyes widened as if she had been caught in some kind of serious crime. “w-w-what do you mean?! i-i’m just… walking???”
you couldn’t help but laugh under your breath. “uh-huh. walking.”
another beat of silence.
and then it happened.
she did it.
she grabbed your hand.
but it wasn’t the usual confident, playful hyein you were used to.
this time, her fingers trembled slightly as they intertwined with yours, her hand clammy from how nervous she was.
your heart did a little flip, and you smiled at her. “there, was that so hard?”
“i-i don’t know what you’re talking about,” she stammered, but her grip tightened just a little bit, as if she didn’t want you to let go.
suddenly from behind you, hanni’s voice rang out again. “OMO! are you two HOLDING HANDS?” her tone was dripping with mock shock as she gasped dramatically.
“wait, wait, i didn’t see anything. totally didn’t see you guys being all sneaky and cute or anything.”
minji and danielle snickered, with haerin simply nodding as if she was already way ahead of hanni’s realization.
hyein’s face turned an even deeper shade of red, and she instinctively tried to pull her hand away, but you held onto her tighter, giving her a reassuring squeeze.
“you’re not getting out of this now.”
“ugh, why are you guys so annoying?” hyein whined, burying her face in her hoodie sleeve. “just leave us alone…”
hanni wasn’t done. “i’m shocked! truly! our baby hyein has made her first move, everyone! hold the presses!”
hyein groaned, her face practically hidden now. “unnie, please…”
you chuckled, finding the entire situation ridiculously cute. “don’t worry, hyein, i think it’s adorable.”
she peeked out from her sleeve, still blushing but a tiny smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “you think so?”
“of course. besides,” you leaned in and whispered, “i like holding your hand too.”
her eyes darted to yours for a moment, a genuine smile breaking through her nervousness.
she squeezed your hand a bit tighter, and for the rest of the walk, she stayed close, even when hanni kept poking fun and pretending to be shocked every five seconds.
inside hyein’s house, the teasing didn’t stop.
you’d barely set your bags down before hanni started whining again.
“i can’t believe it. my baby hyein is all grown up, holding hands with y/n. what’s next, marriage?”
“unnie, shut up!” hyein squeaked, hiding her face behind a pillow as she threw herself onto the couch.
“or maybe… cuddles during the movie?” danielle added with a wicked grin.
“guys, please!” hyein groaned, her voice muffled by the pillow now. “i’m never inviting you again.”
you laughed, sitting beside her on the couch. “i’m fine with that. more cuddles for me.”
hanni let out a mock-offended gasp. “y/n, you traitor!”
the banter continued as everyone piled onto the couch, the teasing settling down only when the movie started.
you and hyein ended up sitting side by side, her hand slipping back into yours under the blanket when she thought no one was looking.
spoiler: they were all looking.
#newjeans#new jeans x reader#fluff#oneshot#fanfiction#fanfic#lee hyein x reader#hyein x reader#RAHHHH IM TIRED
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#is now a good time to admit that I've cried myself to sleep for the past 3 nights :/#it just feels like nothing is going to change and I'm so tired
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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Not the like to reblog ratio being so frustrating that I'm considering doing free YCHs in exchange for reblogs.....
(If you share this post please include the tags in some way. They're important. May or may not delete this later.)
#not the first time I've done free art in exchange for an extremely simple task#sometimes it feels like people can't read#they can look at my art but as soon as I ask them to reblog it#they act like they can't see what I wrote#tumblr doesn't have an algorithm.#the like button does nothing#like actually#it does NOTHING. it's just a little button that you press#but it helps no-one and changes nothing#except for making a number go up#and it's absolutely phenomenal#how many times I've seen artists ask for people to reblog their posts#just to be completely ignored#it almost feels?? disrespectful???#like they care about the art but not the artist#you like having pretty things to look at#but you don't wanna help the person that gives it to you#I genuinely want to know why people don't reblog posts#what makes it so hard for you?#what is it about pressing anything other than a heart that feels so impossible?#whatever reason you may have#I'm tired of it.#so if you guys really need a REASON to reblog#I'll give it to you#if you guys really need a reward for doing the BARE MINIMUM#I'll give it to you.#anyway extra tags that you can ignore//#artists on tumblr#art#ych
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so i finished the teal mask dlc
#i'm not okay#i'm dead fucking serious i have never been so disquieted by a POKEMON GAME PLOT like this before and i don't like it#i'm so upset#look. LOOK. listen it has been established that the player's choices in pokemon do not actually matter outside of mild dialogue changes#i'm totally fine with pokemon moving towards more consequence-based stories#but if you're going to do that here then you NEED TO ACTUALLY /GIVE THE PLAYER A CHOICE/#THIS PLACE SUCKS I JUST CAME HERE FOR A GOOD TIME AND I'M FEELING SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW ;;;;;;;;#FUCK YOU CARMINE I HATE YOU#I HATE YOU I HATE YOU#TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN AND I WILL DECK YOU IN THE FACE#YOU FORCED ME TO BE A BAD FRIEND TO THIS SWEET LITTLE BOY AND THEN WE TOOK AWAY HIS ONLY CHANCES AT FRIENDSHIP WITH ME /AND/ OGERPON#ABSOLUTELY HEINOUS#CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT#HE TRIED SO DAMN HARD THE ENTIRE TIME AND DID NOTHING WRONG AND I WILL /DIE ON THIS HILL/#I'M SORRY KIKI ;;;;_______;;;;#literally he had his completely justified joker moment at the end and my friend was like 'yeah sorry he's evil now' and I just paused#and then turned to her and said 'never love anything'#this is unrelated but if Iruma in M!IK ever turns actually evil like this at any point ever I am defenestrating my tv#i am SO tired and i am betrayed SO often CAN'T HAVE SHIT IN DETROIT ;;;;;;;#WHY CAN'T MY SWEET LITTLE GUYS JUST STAY SWEET LITTLE GUYS FOR ONCE#Kieran is my SON you can't DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!#also i would die for Ogerpon btw#she is my daughter and i love her#i want to squish her little face and hold her in my arms forever#i need a plush of her right the fuck now#if any of you villagers or tourists scare her or make her sad again i will cut you and that is a THREAT#my art#kind of lmao#pokemon
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#the rational part of me knows that everything will be okay but it's getting there thats always the hardest. so many big changes have been#happening recently and. fuck. i dont like what my life is becoming. i try my best to keep it together but god it's hard sometimes#i feel so. stupid. am i even worth anything? I'm just tired. i havent been doing anything to deserve to be tired but i am#i wish i could be better. i wont get into the details and i know this sounds like I'm losing my shit but god theres just so much happening#and I'm being crushed by this pressure and the scariest part is that maybe theres nothing even to be scared about. maybe this is just me#being fucked up and a scared little kid that was never quite good enough just like always. i was gonna get back to playing my game but ive#just been here for the past hour staring into space and crying. i tried to read a book but even that made me cry too-#what a fucking life huh? i dont know anything anymore. everything i know is changing and idk how to deal with it all#ive never felt so.. worthless. i just want a break. this is mostly just about academic pressure since thats what really set me off tonight#but everything else too.. god i'm so.. fucked. i put on this brave face because I'm in a position where ive been so isolated for so long#that i dont even have people to talk to about my problems anymore. when did it get to the point where i have all these friends in name but#thats all? when did i get so far from everuthing#when did it all fall apart? when did i become this stupid?#and ofc all this fucking jazz leads to the eventual 'my f/o wouldnt love a girl like me theyd go find someone else + leave' bullshit. sigh.#I'm fucking tired man. no one has to comfort me or message me or anything. I'll be fine and honestly I'm glad i was just able to get it out#(even if i can't share details obviously) I'm just.. at a point in my life where I'm confused. adulthood is hard man..#anyways i think I'll get my shit together and play more y.akuza now! the crying has sorta stopped lmaoo i think I'm on chapter 12 of 0 now?#very fun! I'm having fun.#negative#vent#ash rambles 💚#technically-#ahem. yeah. getting it all out felt good. maybe this hellsite is worth smth after all LMAAAOOO
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less than a week until I move in with my squish and get to see them again aaaaaaaa
I have never felt such an intense mix of excitement and fear and longing,, send help
#like on the one hand#I get to see them again!!!!!! after three long long months I'll finally be able to feel their arms around me again#and breathe in their presence and see their beautiful smile right in front of me that isn't over 3 pixels of video call#and I'll see them EVERY DAY and we can talk or just sit together whenever we want!!!#and we can host parties!!! and build ikea furniture together!!! and laugh as we try to bake and probably miserably fail!!!!#but on the other hand#GODS am I terrified#what if I fuck it up???#what if I've romanticised this so much in my head and it'll really be nothing like that#what if they get tired of me and living together just makes us drift#what if it brings awkwardness into our friend group#what if my feelings get in the way#there's so much that can go wrong and so much at stake#and I can't bear the thought of losing them#I want this to work so so badly#I guess I'll find out soon#it's crazy though#three months seemed like such an unbearably long time#and now suddenly its almost over#I'm terrified of what comes next but I also want it so badly it hurts#well#come what may#I love them and I don't think that's going to change#here's to this new chapter#queerplatonic yearning hours#cosmo rambles#personal ramble#queerplatonic#aroace#aromantic
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and that's on top of pinning my distress and suffering and the awful time i'm going thru on the fact i'm on hrt
#why are cis people so obsessed with our transition when it has nothing to do with the situation#why does every therapist psychiatrist and other professional keep asking me if i've “fully” transitioned#if i see any huge side effects#if i find it hard to adjust to changes in my body (it's been 4 years btw)#and then when i try and tell them hrt is going well and i don't have any problem in that regard#they ignore me and keep saying it's hard to deal with your body changing even if you wanted it to and it's understandable to be struggling#literally so so tired of this. you guys aren't even listening to me. you guys don't care about me#you only care about your weird beliefs that hrt is harmful and you're so uncomfortable with my transness (always have been) that you don't#even want to help me for real you just want to have the satisfaction of saying see i was right see you're suffering bc of your “choice” to#be like this#well honestly i don't know who would ever choose to ask for help when you either pay lots of money or maybe get lucky or pay more money and#try again until you hit jackpot or just get no help just transphobia from public healthcare#i'm tired. i'm so tired. and i don't know how to stand up for myself. i'm sorry i wish i was one of those trans or fat people who fight lik#hell to get the respect they deserve but i'm just a scared traumatized mentally ill person who struggles to talk to people#so i just get stuck in these feelings of helplessness and no wonder i let myself reach my limit and would rather die instead
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I don't understand why TLM 2 tried so hard to emphasize and clarify how much Ariel is like her mother in terms of personality when she is, in the movie, quite frankly, written to be more like Eric in character. She was really primarily introverted, shy, awkward, tomboyish, mild-mannered and more serious, which is more like her father. I guess it was her impulsive, curious, rebellious and reckless nature that made the characters in the movie go, "Ow, she is so like her mother!", but I don't know, whenever I see Melody, I see her as closer to her dad. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who sees it this way. I don't believe for one second that NO ONE in that universe was able to notice the similarities she had with her father. C'mon, she even has his doggone smile! 😂
#melody#eric#disney#the little mermaid 2#meta#disney meta#character analysis#txt#i've seen a few screencaps of her and i'm like “man that's eric child”#he made that girl damn near like him the only difference is the facial structure nose and eye shape#this was not a mistake from the animators and writers. she makes a lot of similar facial expressions#“like mother like daughter” more like father like daughter!#but that was when she was kid she could have changed later on. some kids do change A LOT when they get older#i feel like the older she got the more she resembled her dad#it seems that way prolly because it was from the perspective of ariel's side of the family/heritage but i mean#i'm pretty sure they spent a lot of time around eric enough to get an idea of what his personality is like#and if you bitches say he had no personality i'm going to strangle you so hard you are gonna see nothing but blackness#tired of that silly ass false ass argument. but ANYWHO#i'm DAMN SURE grimsby noticed the parallels. eric's staff most likely said “she is just like her father”
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Every single time I defend someone shitty who has done nothing but be a cunt to me because they did 1 (ONE ) decent thing THEY ALWAYS TURN AROUND AND DO SOMETHING SO MUCH WORSE TO ME
#every single time i praise aomeone for turning a new leaf they fuck me over#my life is continuing getting worse and worse and worse and worse and i really don't know how much longer i want to deal with this shit#if things do not change soon I'm quitting I'll run away and i will never come back#i praise y sister for growing up she steals and then lies about it and i print with out a shadow of a doubt she did it wont admit it#coworker who bums job off onto me dose. one piece of work then fucked off and dowe nothing else all day then spreads rumors i lied about my#moms cancer#like i can pull up her obituary bitch#dad dose 1 nice thing then like let's me go to bed instead of doing all the dishes that accumulate while i was at work#then need day turns me back into a slave#is goin to marry his yandere bitch gf my mother has not been dead a year yet good for him#I'm done#i hate being alive i can't daydream about anything anymore except death#i used to be able to daydream ocs n stories that stopped years ago then it was day dreaming about a better life with my wife#that's hard to believe it'll ever happen in just trapped and my dad constantly discourages me getting independent or doin anything for mysel#no don't get a full time job don't move out you cam never do it no don't try to learn sewing again doing try dnd again doing make new friend#don't do anything to make like nice#I'm allowed Wednesday nights after the kids go to church and that's it and if it clashes with family aucks to be me#and i don't get to make. it up the next day like dad#i cant stand my life i hate it so much#i hate my family minus my four youngest siblings#i hate my job i hate waking up i hate feeling exhausted all the time#being alive is disappointment and work I'm tired of it#I'm tired#i dont want to do this anymore#i need something to change but I'm trapped nothing will change unless i do it#and i hate that I'll probably have to leave ao much behind
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#in tags cos I'm not tryna start disk horse I just feel like ranting a bit about it cos it annoys me ahsmdhsbsgd#i'm tired of the prevalent attitude in a lot of RPG video game fandoms that men VAs suck and deserve to be ridiculed for no reason ahrbdgdgd#like it's been going on for so many years i'm tired i'm over it i'm done#having a preference for the female VAs and character options is fine lord knows i prefer to play them myself#but like mark meer??? gavin drea??? aren't bad actors???#it's a different performance and interpretation but like they're at worst FINE (but also actually good)#even in games where i have a very big preference for the female VA (ac odyssey and valhalla) the guy is still good???#i'm not big into alexios or meivor but i think their performances as deimos and odin respectively are brilliant for those stories#(and that's really a flaw in the fact they were not supposed to be main character options originally and were rewritten for that)#(so it's not on the VAs but ubisoft being dumbasses who fear making a woman the sole protagonist)#ANYWAY i know it's not that serious but it's so weird seeing people in tags on a certain post being so... nasty#about people they don't know and who afiak have been nothing but kind and appreciative of their fandoms#thank fuck honestly that bg3 doesn't have full voiced Tavs/Durges cos i know people would be freaks about the guys there too#also in games as big as these massive RPGs it's rarely just one voice director for the whole project#so a lot of the times a big reason these voice performances are very different is they're likely being directed by different people#sometimes different directors for different scenes so like. there's a lot of things that can change from page to performance because of that
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i know everyone's told me to rest because i'm sick but i just can't. it doesn't feel right. i need to do everything i can rn because i'm scared that any second we'll be told to get out NOW
#there's a lot of legal shit going on so i'm really unsure when exactly we'll have to leave#my mom keeps telling me to pack an overnight bag just in case and i know she's right but there's other things i need to do first#plus i'm not leaving my computer here. i'm just not. i can't. it's my most important possession. it keeps me sane if you can call it that#i need to get everything else ready before finishing getting my ''i need these with me at all times'' stuff ready#because so much shit is in the way like i still need to take out trash and do more laundry#and get more things that have already been in boxes forever out of here. also the closet door is stuck so that's a problem#i don't even care about most of the shit in my closet like i know there's stuff from my childhood in there but i don't remember what#other than that it's junk. and decorations i bought for an eventual apartment but when the fuck is that even gonna happen#i know i'm sitting here doing nothing rn as i'm typing this but i'm like mentally stuck on what to do next without my mom's help#and she's not here rn. plus there's some dude that her shitty ex is letting stay downstairs rn ? for some reason ?#and i just don't feel comfortable leaving the room to get food or take out trash or change out the laundry. it's just weird#plus i'm sick and he has a weak immune system and like. i dunno i don't wanna be responsible for that#anyway sorry i'm rambling. i know it's understandable at a time like this but i just feel bad that this is all i'm talking about rn#i'm just so fucking depressed and stressed and tired and i've barely eaten anything for the past few days#i can't even have fun or talk to any friends like i normally do. my brain won't let me and it just doesn't feel right. i can't be happy rn#for even a second. it's just not the right time. there's nothing to be happy about. i have no hope at this point that things will work out
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I think, and this is gonna sound crazy but stay with me, that life should just get a little bit easier and softer and kinder
#every day this month has felt like some kind of mental health saw trap and I'm just really tired#like I don't even have the energy to really feel the righteous anger mega bitch rage anymore I'm just tired#my brain and body are like cat turds microwaved in a hot pocket crisper#I'd give anything to go back to last summer's secret family elopement drama that at the time I thought was hellish#at least that was funny and not happening like in my own house I could turn off the chatter#now though. every time I turn around there is some problem with the house. it has not stopped for the entire month of july.#it's literally just been problem after problem after problem and it's not like. interpersonal issues where we could all sit down and talk#it's like appliances dying. pest problems. money problems cause all the other endless problems#they changed shit at my job and have made it 700× more difficult and stressful#and I have to really actually legitimately find a second job now too cause of all the financials#like. all I've ever wanted was just a very simple life. ppl make fun of me cause I don't do much I don't have big aspirations#but my life was not spectacular growing up. all I ever wanted was simple peace and some cats. nothing flashy.#and like even that's an impossible ask it seems. every day there's a new fuckin problem but there isn't a bag of money to go with it#I'm just so tired. I'm just tired down to the marrow#erin explains it all
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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax#any other comment would make me feel worse#💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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