#it kind of worked with my Shepard who was So Depressed for some reason

[rawliverandcigarettes]

Reading about a cool post about romancing a more diverse set of aliens in the next Mass Effect (yes please), I'm realizing I'd really want more focus on different ways to get close to NPCs that don't necesserily involve smooches or sex scenes. I know that would explode the budget, but... I don't know, I see room for a relationship system that does not 100% rely on the "is romanced" boolean, where cutscenes/missions activate or do not activate depending on the specifics of the relationship you're developing with a given character (with a tag system for example).

That way, there is a conversation where you pour your heart out with a given character that is available whether or not you romance them, but that you *could* miss out on if you decide to romance them but put the focus on the more competitive aspect of your relationship instead of the vulnerability. A sort of web of possible situations that would tailor more closely to who you are as a PC and how you want to engage with the world without betraying the NPC.

That would imply uhhhh budget, and a very strong relationship design system (let me design it bioware wait actually don't I could not handle working on mass effect emotionally I think). But. Would be cool, and would allow me to RP aroace characters without feeling completely alone and adrift in the uncaring void of space. :3

[upat4amwiththemoon]

hi! saw that your requests are open and if you want to could you write a fic with amelia shepard x reader. kind of a mental health fic where reader is struggling (depression or something) and either amelia and reader are a couple or reader is someone coming into the ER (or something else) but either way amelia decides to help R and eventually they become a couple (if they’re not already). i hope you understand what i mean?

anyway, thank you!

i’ll die anyway.

Summary: It’s still hard to find reasons to stay alive.

Pairing: Amelia Shepherd x female!reader

Warnings: depression

Word count: 824

a/n: Amelia Shepherd please cure my mental illnesses <3

masterlists | guidelines

Even though Amelia is oftentimes busy with her work, being the self proclaimed best neurosurgeon, she still makes time for her girlfriend, who unlike her, doesn’t have such a mess of a schedule. However, she just came to the realization that date nights haven’t happened in a while. She really hasn’t properly seen Y/N in a while.

Which is why, after arriving back home, Amelia’s first mission is to find Y/N. She goes up the stairs, towards their shared bedroom, still wearing her scrubs. She frowns as she steps into the room. No one is there. It’s dark and the bed is messy, which indicates Y/N has been there recently.

The sound of water hits her ears. Amelia knocks on the door opposite of their bedroom, trying to open it, but it’s mocked. “Y/N?” She calls out, growing worried at the silence coming from the other side. “Are you okay in there?” There’s slight humor to her voice, but it’s only there to mask her anxiety.

A quiet yeah comes from the other side of the door, but it doesn’t ease Amelia.

“You think you could open the door for me?” It takes a while, but eventually Amelia can hear the soft clink of the lock. She opens the door carefully, only peeking her head in first. When she sees fully clothes Y/N sitting under the running shower, she steps in the room fully, closing the door behind her so the warmth of the water wouldn’t escape. “What are you doing?” She has a gentle smile on her face as she kneels near Y/N. She recognizes the look in her eyes.

“I think I’m getting sick.” She whispers. Water droplets are getting all over her eyes and mouth, but she doesn’t seem to care.

“Sick?” Amelia shuts the shower off, getting no reaction from Y/N. She sets the back of her hand to her girlfriend’s wet forehead. “You don’t feel warm.” She states quietly.

Y/N hums. Her hands are hidden in the sleeves of the hoodie she’s wearing. It’s oversized, one of her favorites, mostly because it’s technically Amelia’s hoodie. Her eyes are unfocused, so she rarely blinks, only when water slides over her eyes.

“Maybe getting out of the wet clothes would help?” Amelia’s tone makes the sentence sound like a question, but it’s more of a request, as she is already helping Y/N up before she has a chance to answer. She leads her into the bedroom, not caring about the trail of water dripping to the floors. “I’m going to get you some clothes, okay?”

Amelia starts looking through their wardrobe, picking the coziest looking clothes for the both of them. She helps Y/N out of the wet clothes and into the clean ones before she changes out of her scrubs.

“Have you eaten today?” She’s pretty sure she already knows the answer, and it worries her, since she had a ten hour shift today. Y/N shakes her head, confirming Amelia’s fears. “Okay, I’m going to order us some food.”

After leading Y/N to the bed, she picks up her phone and orders the food that’ll arrive to their house the quickest. She sets her phone back down, making sure it’s not silenced so she’ll hear when their food arrives.

She sits down next to Y/N, leaning her bad against the backboard, she pulls Y/N’s back into her chest. “Can you tell me how you’re feeling?” Amelia pulls the covers over them before wrapping her arms around Y/N.

She sighs, slowly leaning the side of her head against Amelia’s. “I don’t know.” She whispers, her voice slightly wobbly. “I don’t feel anything but I’m feeling everything at the same time. It’s like I’m stuck in a hole and I can’t scream for help.” Taking a shaky breath, her voice turns almost too quiet for Amelia to hear, “it feels like it doesn’t matter if I’m dead or alive.”

“Maybe we could go meet up with a psychotherapist together tomorrow?”

Y/N hesitates. Asking for, or receiving help has never been something she can do easily. “I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.”

“But it is.” Amelia states in a way that leaves no room for arguments. “Mental health needs to be always taken seriously.”

Emotions mull through Y/N’s body. She feels guilty and bad for letting Amelia see, for making her worry, that’s not what she wants. She feels like going to psychotherapy would mame it worse, it’d solidify the fact there’s something wrong with her.

Amelia’s embrace turns tighter, bringing Y/N back to the present. Her hands have started shaking, she didn’t notice. “You don’t have to decide now.” Amelia whispers into her ear. “We’ll think and talk about later, okay?” Y/N nods, letting herself relax for now as she lays on her girlfriend, and tries to forget her worries.

[innepttia]

(Part one can be found here) AMAZING MAEVE ARTWORK BY @bomerpascal what a delight he was to work with! I think he captured Maeve perfectly and I’ll be crying about this for the rest of my life.

Y’all ready for part two of

Maeve Shepard

I really put my all my heart into these next 50 questions. (Thank you for the prompts @spookyvalentine​ )

TW: mentions of alcohol abuse

1. Where would your Shepard go back to play tourist? Are they going alone, or bringing someone(s)?

Maeve honestly doesn’t care, she just wants to go to any desert planet and drag Thane along with her. When I say this woman loves this silly lizard, I mean it’s twuuuueeee luuuvvvvv.

2. Your Shepard is making a sandwich. What’s going in it?

She’d be making a breakfast burrito with some chorizo and hot sauce and adobo eggs, let's be real.

3. What’s Shepard’s love language? What love languages do they respond best to?

Physical touch. Especially with Thane, it helps to keep her grounded. A good tether to reality.

Garrus figures this out eventually too and touches her shoulders and hands and fringe a lot. She doesn’t make him stop.

4. What were Shepard’s opinions of Cerberus before waking up on their table?

🚨Terrorists🚨Terrorists🚨Terrorists🚨Terrorists🚨

5. Is your Shepard politically active? Do they stay on top of galactic comings and going’s

No way, she had enough of that with her parents in the military. She’s way over it.

6. What would they be doing, if Shepard never joined the alliance?

She would be a chef. She loves to cook but never gets the chance to. Too busy saving the galaxy and all that.

7. What’s Shepard’s favorite way to let loose?

Both Maeve and I: *nervous laughter* “Let loose”? We don’t know her.

8. Does your Shepard like to be alone? Are they prone to isolate?

No. Contrary to almost everything pointing in the direction of severe depression in ME2 and ME3, being around people makes her brain stop thinking so loudly. She usually tries to hang out with at least one person on board at all times.

9. What does Shepard like to wear when they’re out of the armor?

In ME1 she was super stuffy and had all the Alliance SOPs drilled into her head so she would wear the Commander’s uniform, but after she died…

She started to wear what she really enjoyed, which is, AND I AM NOT JOKING, the whole Ellen Ripley outfit from Alien. Engineer jumpsuit, top rolled down and tied at her waist with a white top underneath and her hair up.

In ME3 when she has some dignitaries on board, the jumpsuit is buttoned up, but she WILL be comfortable! Except when they have official meetings in the conference room… then FINE, she’ll wear her uniform.

10. What does TIM think of Shepard at the start of me2? And at the end?

“This fucking bitch.”

“This fucking sexy bitch.”

11. What does Shepard think of TIM?

Hot daddy vibes (shut up). I have been informed I am the resident TIM fucker in our discord so… all related TIM questions are all very thirsty.

12. Who is Shepard’s favorite non-companion character?

Joker, for reasons I will explain further down the list.

13. What kind of roommate would Shepard be?

A great one! She’s lived on ships her whole life! The drinking could become a problem, so it depends on when in her life you catch her… but for the most part she’d be a great roomie.

14. It’s takeout potluck night with the gang! What’s Shepard ordering, and from where?

Maeve would probably just order a giant container of mashed potatoes and grumpily place it in the middle of the table because she wanted to cook something instead but was too busy.

(I gotta be honest, my husband and I don’t do a lot of take out so this was somehow the hardest question I’ve had to answer so far. So my tiny brain said PO-TAY-TOES.)

15. If Shepard could have an extremely dangerous and illegal pet, what would it be?

Really my kneejerk reaction was to say “none”, but in the interest of being more creative… A snow leopard. She wants to pet the ears and smoosh the face.

16.. What does Aria think of Shepard?

Hot daddy vibes (shut up).

17. Does your Shepard seek counseling/have a therapist?

No. While she knows she’s Definitely Not Fine, she doesn’t want help.

When she’s locked up though, the Alliance assigns her a court mandated therapist. It does not go well.

18. Obligatory gang beach episode! What’s Shepard doing?

She’s trying so hard to get Thane to take off all his clothes. No shame, girl, no shame. But also drinking a pina colada and reading a book and taking sneaky candid pictures of the gang.

19. What was Shepard’s first interaction with an alien?

Oohhhh what a good question. With being in the military, her first interaction with an alien was a turian and she said, “oh damn that is a sharp alien” to herself and that was about the extent of it.

20. List five songs your Shepard is currently listening to

Y E S!!!!! I hoped this would be here. I’m going to do a +1(+1) because I can never just do the required amount. So we doing the 5 +1(+1)trope but with songs 😂

Madness by Ruelle (this is the song that would be playing if she snapped and murdered someone… while not on the military’s dime) “Feel the fury closing in, all resistance wearing thing, nowhere to run from all this havoc.”

.44 by Tejon Street Corner Thieves “My mama told me that god ain’t happy, that I ain’t worthy of the love of the lord. I said, mama I don’t mind, mama I don’t need it. Cos I’m meeting the preacher man at the local liquor store.”

Cocaine and Abel by Amigo the Devil “I was born impatient and I was born unkind, but I refuse to believe I have to be the same person I was born when I die.”

Bath Salts by Highly Suspect “I feel like death is coming soon and, oh all I wanna do is fucking sleep.”

Witches’ Wrath by The Bridge City Sinners “I kick and scream but there’s no life left in these lungs.”

+1 Empty Crown by YAS “My body’s missing pieces, can’t pull it all back together, I wish I could remember.”

(+1) I’m Tired by Labrith & Zendaya “Now the tide is rolling in, I don’t wanna win, Let it take me, I’ll be on my way, How long can I stay in a place that can’t contain me?”

21. What companion quest did shepard enjoy the most? What was the most difficult one for them to do?

Most enjoy, Kasumi.

Most difficult, Zaeed.

Funny how it’s the two of them isn’t it? Kasumi was fun because Maeve was so excited to do a heist. Zaeed’s was most difficult because she brought Thane along and the two of them had so much beef the entire time and honestly Zaeed was being so fucking annoying.

22. Any guilty pleasures?

Yes, Thane. *evil laughter*

Okay but in all seriousness, playing the piano. She’s a natural at it, with only minimal practice, but she never has time to play so it never comes up. When there’s that piano in Anderson’s apartment, she gets so excited to play it, but alas, the world decides to end before she can.

*Guilty pleasure because any pleasure she feels during those last months are laced with guilt.

23. What does Shepard think of Conrad Verner? How do they handle him?

Uhhhh okay tbh I don’t remember this person lmfao so I assume Maeve also doesn’t remember him.

24. How does Shepard handle house arrest? How do they fill their time?

Badly. So, so badly. She’s not only going through DTs, but she’s mad. Like furious. Not at Vega, who she begrudgingly befriends, but at all of them. All the people she saved three times over now (ME1, ME2, Arrival DLC) and they had the nerve to lock her up for war crimes. (Her logic is not sound at this point in her life.)

25. How does Shepard react to meeting Javik, a real life prothean?

She said, “holy fucking shit, Liara are you seeing this?!” As Liara is standing next to her with her mouth hanging open and Javik is about to explode them both with his biotics. Garrus is the only one that can snap the two of them out of their stupefaction.

26. What is Shepard’s relationship with Joker?

*rubs hands together in anticipation* Hope you’re ready for a long reply.

Maeve never romanced anyone in ME1. She was holding out hopes for Joker. They had a work wife/work husband vibe going on. She’d always be in the cockpit talking to him and flirting and they’d banter and he could always make her laugh. But, she had “no fraternization” from the military so drilled into her skull that they never took it any further.

Then, she died.

And Joker mourned her, mourned a love they could now never have, and for two years he tried his best to get over her. But, it’s Commander Shepard. Who can get over her?

Then, ME2, they’re reunited and it’s big emotional. But that same night Joker went up to her cabin and had to set the record straight. He grieved her, he loved her, but he had moved on. Maeve accepted this, not wanting to push it any further or overstep any boundaries.

“In another life, without military ranks, we would have been good together,” Joker said with a small smile, sounding all the world like he regretted every word coming out of his mouth. Maeve had to drag her eyes from him to stare at the empty fish tank so he wouldn’t see her tears.

“I understand,” she replied softly.

They kept their flirting up, the two of them toeing the line between impropriety, but once more neither of them taking the leap.

Then Thane literally dropped into her life and EDI kicked down all the doors of reality for Joker.

Towards the end of ME3, Joker is fully prepared to mourn her again, and maybe - maybe - there’s a soft kiss pressed to her armored glove as she passes by his chair, quiet words passed between them; all the squadmates looking away from this private moment before she disembarks to blow up the fucking Reapers.

27. What does your Shepard take pictures of?

Her crewmates.

Joker sitting in the pilot's chair, looking over his shoulder at her, genuine smile on his face like he’s happy to see her. (ME1)

Garrus and Tali fighting over some dextro food rations in the mess hall. (ME1)

Kaidan and Ashley on the Citadel, chatting easily with each other. (ME1)

Maeve and Wrex trying to arm wrestle (Liara took the picture). (ME1)

Joker, sitting in the same pilot’s chair, arguing with EDI as a blue orb. (ME2)

Samara and Kasumi, sitting in front of the big observation window, talking to each other. (ME2)

Dr. Chakwas patching Maeve’s leg up with a hovering Miranda. (ME2)

A lot of (tasteful!!!) pictures of Thane in Maeve’s cabin. The most looked at ones are the ones where she managed to catch him smiling or laughing. (ME2)

A straight up selfie of poker night with the engineers, Garrus, Jack, Jacob, Zaeed, and Tali all trying to squeeze into the background. (ME2)

Mordin and Legion standing awkwardly, looking like they were trying to have a staring contest. (ME2)

Maeve hanging from Grunt’s arm as he waves her around wildly. Maeve is nothing but a blur in this picture and Grunt is laughing and presumably shouting “battle master” (Garrus took the picture, a talon can be seen in the corner of the picture where he accidentally covered part of the lens). (ME2)

Someone took a picture of Maeve drinking a very full glass of white wine with a cigarette in her hand (she does not smoke but she always tries things at least once), looking super stressed with her hair haphazardly pulled back (like the Mads Mikkelsen meme - I will be getting this one commissioned eventually so I’ll link once I get that done). (ME2)

Joker and EDI on the Citadel, Joker’s arm around her waist as they stare out at the scenery. (ME3)

A very special photo of Thane, on some desert planet, smiling up at the sun like a flower in bloom. (ME3)

Javik at his table in his quarters. (ME3)

Liara and Garrus on the battlefield, both concentrated on the enemies while Maeve is there taking pictures of them. (ME3)

Vega and Cortez in the shuttle bay, laughing about something. (ME3)

Of course the group photo at Anderson’s apartment. (ME3)

Tali, on her homeworld with the whole future ahead of her. (ME3)

A picture of a vase of white flowers in Life Support. (ME3)

*all of these, no, not all the (tasteful!!!!) photos of Thane (but most of them lmao), are released to the crew after her death and they all have a good cry

28. Who is your voicecast for Shepard? Is it Jennifer Hale/Mark Meer? Do they have an accent?

Straight up Jennnifer Hale. No changes - it’s perfection.

29. What is the perfect day for Shepard?

Suns Out, Buns Out (~500 words)

30. What did Shepard think of the thorian? How did they feel about killing it? What did they decide for Shiala?

ME1 Maeve was creeped out by the thorian (although ME3 Maeve would make a joke about how it could be potentially good inspiration for tentacle porn) and she wanted to save Shiala.

When she saw Shiala in ME2 she probably would have fallen for her and her new lovely shade of green if she hadn’t met a different green alien only moments later.

31. How did Shepard feel, seeing Legion wearing their old armor? Does that change?

Maeve thinks this is cool af. She kind of did that Leonardo DiCaprio gif of him pointing at the TV when she saw it and then went to interrogate Legion about how he got it and why.

32. Any vices?

🍺🍷🥃🍸🍹🍶🍑

(The last one should really be the Thane peach.)

33. Is Shepard free with affection, or more reserved?

Free with it. She really is emotionally constipated (as stated in the previous 50 questions) but she will tell her crew if they do a good job and how proud of them she is. She’ll hold Thane’s hand in public, she’ll clasp a squadmate on the shoulder, she’ll hug someone if they look like they need it.

If someone asks her how she’s feeling though?

“I’m fine,” Maeve replied, as she said every single time she’s asked. “Thanks for asking though.”

34. Are there any people out there that betrayed Shepard? How do they handle it?

Yeah there are plenty, but Maeve is a busy lady and she eventually just kind of shrugs and says “fuck it”.

35. Is your Shepard a biter? (Interpret this as you will)

Wow the whole time I thought this said “bitter” and I was like, I mean I guess she’s bitter but who wouldn’t be after the things she’s been put through- oohhhh this said BITER.

No, she’s not. She’s not a super fan of people that aren’t her found family being up close and personal in her face. And honestly, Thane has scales, so… no (but she might get a little nibbly around the frills).

36. What is their relationship with Wrex?

In good standing! Just buddies, friends, pals that would do anything for each other including die for each other.

37. Does Shepard have any friendships that surprise the rest of the crew?

Mess Sergeant Gardner. She just wants to cook, man!! So sometimes she goes down to the Mess Hall and just watches him with rapt attention and critiquing the way he holds his knife (which drives him crazy).

In ME3, she’s friends with a geth who she has private correspondence with via email. It is notably not Legion, but this geth just kinda slid into her DMs, ya know. Turns out they both love the Murderbot Diaries series, which should maybe raise some red flags for her that this geth likes that particular series but she thinks it’s hilarious instead.

38. If Shepard is dropped into the middle of the wilderness for a week, how do they handle it?

PROBABLY NOT WELL. If you dropped this woman into the middle of space on a broken down ship slowly losing power to its life support, she’d do better than in the middle of the wilderness. How find food? How find water? No electronics to fix? RIP Maeve.

39. Does Shepard have a will? What do they want done with their body after they’ve passed?

Yeah, she has a “DO NOT BRING BACK FROM THE DEAD A SECOND TIME GOD DAMN IT” type of will. Viking death please. Place her body in a boat, push it out to sea, and set that shit on fire. That way she’s really really really REALLY gone.

40. How does your Shepard react, when Liara tells them she’s the one that handed their body over to Cerberus?

Liara tells her and Maeve doesn��t say a word. Just opens up her Omni-tool, beginning to type something out. It’s awkward and silent between the two of them, but Liara is determined to wait this out. Maybe five minutes into this horrid standoff, Maeve sends a file to Liara and lowers her arm with her Omni-tool. She stares neutrally at Liara until the asari opens her messages and reads the email she got from Shepard.

It’s the will she just made that says, “Do not do this shit again I swear to god do NOT bring me back from the dead A SECOND TIME.”

Then they both move on. Maeve is very aware that every second is precious so she doesn’t spend a lot of time mad at her found family.

41. They’ve been caught in the rain! How does Shepard react?

Like a soggy wet blanket. You’d think for someone who never grew up experiencing rain, she’d like it more but instead, Maeve thinks it’s gross to just be… moist.

42. How does Shepard handle the reporters? What are they like in an interview

Since she grew up in the Alliance, she handles reporters with professional passive aggression. No punching off reporters here, she answers the question in monotone, standing at parade rest, with dead eyes, and moves on with her life.

43. What was the clone’s fate? Do you think Shepard and their clone could coexist?

The clone does not make it. Actually, Shepard wonders what screws are loose in TIM’s head to make a clone of her because she is such a disaster by ME3. She is suuuuper sus about if TIM has a relationship with the clone or not (I HAD to somehow fit timshep in there, okay, I have a problem) because of some choice phrases the clone tried to taunt her with.

44. What’s the perfect date to sweep Shepard off their feet?

Well… this is currently getting published in my indoctrination AU so I’m not sure I want to ruin it…

But there’s a lot of laughter and smiles.

I’ll update with a link here when I get around to posting that fic.

45. How many unread emails are in their inbox?

None. She reads them all and cherishes them all even if she doesn’t respond (though she responds to most of them).

46. What does your Shepard get competitive over?

Video games. Back when she had hobbies besides war crimes, she played online video games. (Referenced in the first 50 questions)

47. What museum is your Shepard going to? natural history, science, art… the zoo, aquarium?

Art! She didn’t get a whole lot of art growing up on spaceships. Seeing paintings of ships at sea, or sunsets is amazing to her.

48. What kind of a sleeper is Shepard? Sprawl out, hog the covers, octopus…. How many hours do they normally sleep?

Sleep? What’s sleep? Lmao well if she isn’t sleeping in some random place on the Normandy and she’s up with Thane in the cabin, she’s a big time cuddler. So I’d think she’d be curled up around Thane in some sort of fashion.

She’d rather fall asleep at the CIC on the galaxy map searching for resources than alone in her bed.

49. Do they have any morning or evening rituals?

Brush teeth ✅

Shower ✅

Brush hair (if she remembers)

The end 🙃

She read somewhere that if there’s only one thing you have the wherewithal to take care of it should be your teeth because those are expensive to fix.

50. What scents in particular draw Shepard in?

Okay I’m so lame when I say this but I’m obsessed with this idea so here we go.

Pre ME2 death: cloves, cinnamon, mulled spices. They remind her of her parents boiling the spices over a stovetop on whatever ship they were on during Christmas. It was really the only tradition they had (they didn’t do gifts because they didn’t have a lot of possessions with how much they jumped from ship to ship; only what could fit in a single standard issue Alliance duffel bag).

Post ME2 death: the ocean, the salty breeze that blows across the sea, the way rain smells when it pours over angry waves (she tries to put an Ocean Breeze febreze scent in her cabin only to stink up the whole thing so badly she couldn’t sleep in it for a month ((she slept in the co-pilot's chair in the cockpit that month with Joker just side eyeing her the entire time)) (((this was before she was in a relationship with Thane so she was really like, why the FUCK do I want to smell the ocean all the time))) ).

I really HC that Kalahira had a hand in bringing Shepard back from the dead.

Kalahira is like, to bring one life back to save the galaxy seems a fair trade

And Maeve is like, no the fuck it’s not

+1 what, to your Shepard, is a good death

You know, an independent journalist asked Maeve this once, while she was still working for Cerberus, almost immediately after she woke up barely stitched back together. It’s the only time she’s ever snapped at a report. You know what she said?

“Shut the fuck up about death already. She’s a bitch and won’t leave me alone.”

(The real answer is that she doesn’t know, by ME3 she just wants to go back to being dead and it doesn’t really matter how.)

[colorfulandblack]

I got to say I'm kind of disappointed with Wayward Son.

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

Carry On had a clear plot that got resolved in the end but also set the reader up for the sequel which I guess Wayward Son follows but it's all lost potential.

It started off right with the characters (especially Simon) dealing with the past trauma, righteously so and it hurt my heart so much to watch SnowBaz being fucking idiots who couldn't communicate properly and work through their issues to the point where their entire relationship throughout the book dangled on the edge of a breakup.

Side note about SnowBaz content. I'm not usually for a romance oriented plots but I felt and inadequate amount of those two. It could be ascribed to the fact neither of them knew whatever they actually still had a relationship but that very fact that they wouldn't fucking talk about it at all bugged me enormously.

Now the entire book felt like it revolved around a semi-imporatnt plot involving Agatha. Now don't get me wrong I don't necessarily dislike her, I feel she is a reasonable character who's actions reflect her worldview and priorities and I respect her decision to move away from all the magickal mess to California but then why revolve an entire plot around rescuing her whilst giving her basically no role in said plot. She has like 4-5? chapters total and they don't tell us anything really. She's contradicting herself like crazy. She is about to die and she remembers all the times Simon saved her and how awful it was to be tangled in all this mess but then simultaneously she wants to be rescued. And when the help arrives she is just so passive. Her entire person in this book is so fucking passive I just couldn't. I get why she wanted to leave Penny, Simon and Baz behind but it just kind of came off like a big paradox.

We never see Simon resolving his issue with the trauma he's been though and his newly status as a "Normal" (though he's still pretty magick, he's got wings and a tail). We know he goes to therapy but he's simultaneously depressed and noone really knows what to do when he's stuck in his self loathing stupor. We see him have better days because he seems to he enjoying America but nothing really gets done and it's all smoke and mirrors. I though that was the idea of the whole trip (apart form rescuing Agatha). To help him cope with his new life. Which the ide itself wasn't bad itself but it would be FUCKING BETTER IF THEY JUST COMMUNICATE

Another missed opportunity is how little development we see with Baz. It's literally last few chapters when they are in Vegas where he learns more about vampires than throughout his entire life and the reader is lead to believe that Baz (not necessarily will stay with them) but at least this knowledge and experience will help him make peace with the part of him being a vampire and help him grow as a character. No such thing. Throughout the entire series so far it is only said that although Baz is a Vampire he thinks and acts like a magician. It's a shame really not to develop his character and to either make peace with it (more definitely) so we know that him despite being a vampire nothing changes or help him accept the vampire part of him and learn to use it to his advantage.

Same thing with Penny. We get a better glimpse of how her being headstrong and opinionated affect others and how her worldview view makes her come out as classics or even practicing mage supremacist especially in America. I thought that was an important moment in he character development and Shep would help her grow as a person and make her see that other magickal beings are also important and in fact Speakers (was it? Forgot the term) are acting like privileged assholes more than anything. No such luck. No character growth.

And lastly Shepard. 10/10 absolute delight have no complaints. Intrigued about the demon curse.

So I really fucking hope some big changes are made in the last book because Carry On was just a great start and had so much potential that kind of got lost when Rowell decided to throw the characters into this new world of American magick and give them new rules and new quest but kind of forgot about character development.

[degenerate-perturbation]

Viv Reviews: Wayward Son by Rainbow Rowell

As part of my quest to read every edgy Harry Potter knockoff, I read Wayward Son.

I liked it much better than Carry On. Carry On was a confusing mess and I don’t really remember anything that happened in it. Wayward Son is a much more tightly plotted, emotionally coherent book, with many good ideas.

Is it good? No.

But here are some things I liked about it:

The plot construction. Checkov’s guns are ably placed in the first act, and fired in the third. The twists make sense, without being telegraphed. The story clips along at a reasonable pace and there is a consistent sense of motion and dynamism throughout that made me want to keep reading.

The Americana. I love all magical Americana. However, it is possible to fuck this trope up (see: CW’s Supernatural.) Wayward Son does this trope without fucking it up, and I’ll give it credit for that.

The inherent hilarity of British people interacting with America and being completely befuddled. For the duration of reading this book I felt about 4% more patriotic. There is a scene where the main characters are gearing up to fight the villains with magical spells but this is America and the villains brought guns and they just shoot them. This is hilarious and exactly what would happen.

The villains. The concept of a bunch of Silicon Valley techbros becoming vampires as like a biohacking project is brilliant, because I know so many people who would do that. I would do that. Las Vegas being run by old-school vampires and the two groups hate each other for Vampiring Wrong is also brilliant.

I really enjoyed the new muggle character. Shepard is a muggle who knows about magic and just really likes it and wants to be around it as like, a hobby. I would totally be this guy. Between him and the Silicon Valleys vampires I feel like the American characters in this book are spot-on as types of people who would exist in a setting where magic is real. So few urban fantasy books get this right, and Wayward Son kind of does!

Most of the characters do have coherent, detectable emotional arcs. They aren’t well-executed. But they exist! This is more than I could say for the previous book. Draco/Baz struggles with existing as a marginal vampire in mage society, or abandoning humanity to exist in vampire society. Hermione/Penelope takes a long series of L’s and comes to realize that she can’t actually do everything herself and should really have asked for help. Harry/Simon is depressed about not being a main character anymore.

The fact that Draco is a vampire for no obvious reason doesn’t seem as weird in Wayward Son as in Carry On because vampires are a major element of this book’s plot.

Harry and Draco’s relationship in this book is on the rocks, and it starts out seeming like they are going to break up. They still bicker a lot, despite being boyfriends, which makes perfect sense for people who disliked each other for most of the time they knew each other. This creates a fine thread of emotional tension throughout the story (I love conflict!) that, unfortunately, goes nowhere.

Here is what I did not like:

THE POV CHANGES. 

Oh my god, the POV changes are fucking intolerable. Do you guys remember those old fanfics where there was a POV change literally every paragraph and every event got described from 4 different characters’ point of view? This book does this so egregiously that part of me wonders if in fact Rowell is making the book bad on purpose to fit with the fanfiction thing--because her other books are fine! I know Rowell can write a perfectly respectable love story, so really, what gives?

This is really just one thing because I think all of the book’s flaws boil down to this supremely irritating structure. Here are some issues that I feel arise from it:

Characters do not really develop their relationships to each other, because all of their emotional turmoil happens in their first-person internal monologue. Simon and Baz never really work through their relationship issues because they do not talk to each other until the very end of the book. They live completely inside their own heads, straightfowardly telling the reader how they are feeling, without having to tell each other.

Similarly, I thought Penelope and Shepard were going to be a developing couple. They would make sense as a foil to Simon and Baz’s established (and crumbling) relationship, they interact quite a bit, Penelope gets dumped at the start of the book by her boyfriend for traits that Shepard explicitly values, and on a meta level, it is sensible to pair the most magical mage with a muggle. But they don’t really interact much on the page. I think about how much more interesting this relationship would have read if Penelope had worked through some of her issues with this guy, but she didn’t.

As a result, the character’s arcs do not really go anywhere satisfying, because they are all so inside their own heads! Without playing off each other, they don’t have opportunities to develop in a natural way. She just privately thinks her to herself that she’s in over her head, and that’s the end of it. We don’t see anyone challenge Penelope on her overconfidence or see her confess vulnerability to anyone. We don’t see Simon and Baz argue about their relationship; we just see them mutually, separately worry about it.

The other problem I have with Simon and Baz is that their relationship takes place entirely in terms of dramatic overwrought romantic inner monologue. The one time they interact with each other romantically on screen--we don’t actually see it! We just see ping-ponging POV of “He means the world to me” and “I only ever wanted him," which is wildly inconsistent with how they actually interact with each other, which is mostly tense in petty bickering. And that would have been perfectly fine if, say, it had lead to a break up and subsequent make up. That would have been a good trial-by-fire for this relationship! But it doesn’t happen. I’m left asking over and over again, why do these characters love each other? Why does he mean the world to him? Why should I care?

This is related to another issue with the book is that, like a fanfiction, it seems to require the context of “canon” events in order to make emotional sense. Simon and Baz keep referring back to their dynamic as roommates that hate each other to contextualize their present love for each other. But we never saw any of that happen! I don’t feel attachment to their pre-existing relationship because the pre-existing relationship is an informed quality.

And this is the problem with Simon himself, as a character. His arc in this book is about overcoming his depression and the burnout of being an ex-main-character. He and Penelope keep referencing adventures they’ve had that we weren’t there for, so how am I supposed to feel a sense of bittersweet nostalgia for then? It’s like hanging out with a group of friends who keep making inside jokes I don’t get. It’s alienating, and does the opposite of make me relate to these characters.

If I was reading about Harry Potter’s ex-main-character depression, this would read totally differently, because I would have already read seven years’ worth of Harry Potter’s wild adventures. A fanfiction about Harry’s post-traumatic stress about all those events would be perfectly suitable fanfiction subject. A book about Crypto-Harry-Potter’s post-traumatic stress over events we weren’t present for does not work nearly as well.

Finally, the dynamic of this trio does not work. What really worked for Harry, Ron, and Hermione is that each one of them was the awkward third friend. In Wayward Son, Penelope and Baz both have a relationship with Simon, but not really each other. And since the characters stay in their own heads, a new dynamic doesn’t really have space to develop.

Also, the prose just, isn’t very good. J. K. Rowling was not a master of prose, but Harry Potter felt magical. It felt like a fairy tale. With Wayward Son, I am Once Again reminded of this Ursula Le Guin quote, from her essay, “From Elfland to Poughkeepsie”:

Many readers, many critics, and most editors speak of style as if it were an ingredient of a book, like the sugar in a cake, or something added onto the book, like the frosting on the cake. The style, of course, is the book. If you remove the cake, all you have left is recipe. If you remove the style, all you have left is a synopsis of the plot.

This is a recipe for a book. A good recipe, with many good ingredients, but it utterly lacks style, making it just good enough to disappoint me.

Apparently there is going to be a threequel. Obviously I am going to read it.

[madnessismylover]

Hello friend! How are you? You working any projects you feel like talking about? I have projects myself but uh, I haven't touched them in a hot minute 😅

😃 Friend

*deep breath* 😮

Oh I have so many WIPs right now. (I also have so many fics that are "on hiatus" when really they should be labeled as discontinued. I think I almost have 100 works on AO3 and - not counting one shots - maybe ... 10 are completed... Probably less - checked there's about 8 or so out of 31 completed works the rest being one shots)

Hyperfixation switches are annoying 😩

My most recent and the ones I've mostly been working on lately is 3 new WIP and 1 rewrite WIP with a possible second rewrite I had already started but my hyperfixation might be switching again...

First is just a super fluffy fic that's a prequel to the movie Prometheus (and I have 3 other fics "planned" for that series X.x). Basically I added an OC who is filming for a documentary (because Weyland would totally want to profit off finding the key to eternal life) and she asks David to wake her about a week early so she can get some filming in and it's basically 2 weeks of tooth-rotting fluff and mutual pining, idiots in love, etc.

Second is more androids which is kinda semi fluff for Detroit Become Human with some hurt/comfort. Irl I have these heart shaped stones of Rhodonite and they're supposed to help with emotional healing and trauma so I started with the idea of giving one to Daniel (because he deserved better) then it escalated to MC giving one to pretty much every deviant she came across because they all deserve healing 😭 and I wasn't sure what ship to make it (cause for some reason I can't write a fic without there being some kind of romance in it X.x) but ended up deciding on it being for Simon but with platonic love for everyone else and I'm gonna have Nines and Sixty and just big happy android family; Hank has 3 sons and a daughter (MC) now. Sixty dyes his hair blond because he wants to be as different from Connor as possible. Nines doesn't care and of course he works with Gavin. Oh and there's gonna be some angst but not too much

Third is a The Lost Boys (87' vampire movie) fic where the MC is a witch (with like a mix of ideas from Charmed, Merlin, Supernatural, etc) and I'm just making her super powerful because I don't ever really make my OCs OP and I've just decided fuck it I'm gonna make her super badass. It's a polyship and she annoys David and her and Star are friends because Star deserves a best friend (and maybe girlfriend? 😲, David and Star are Bi you can't convince me otherwise). And she's Michael and Sam's "werid" cousin and goes into total "don't fuck with my family" mode on Max. Spoiler or not spoiler I am saving the boys.

The first rewrite is for a fic I wrote back in highschool in 2014 (🤢🤢🤢) for Mass Effect and since the remaster of the trilogy came out recently and I pre-ordered it and I've been playing it my hyperfixation has moved slightly over to that. (this is also the order of my hyperfixation switches all within like 2 months 😅) a modern (2021) woman basically gets sucked into the game and has to survive and joins Shepard and crew. In the original she was 19 and just somehow had military training because she "had a lot of time on her hands" X.x . now I've made her 24 and she's actually had legit training and doesn't mention how the world is a game because of unseen forces giving her blinding pain in her head when she tries instead of me just occasionally forgetting she's from our world ^^"

Last is a rewrite I had already started, sometime last year I think, for an Undertale fic that's basically if Frisk decided (after a bunch of resets) to not go down the hole at all and instead someone else did (a super depressed adult 😐) and basically it's about her and Sans and we get her and bone boi some therapy once everyone's up top and I wanna mess around with AUs and stuff cause I love some of the Undertale AUs and honestly don't know how my hyperfixation has picked back up on this game...😵

That was long I'm sorry 😐

[magneticmage]

I'm in the mood for it (plus it's Disability Pride month) so here are all my disabled ocs;

Under cut for Length

Additional Notes; Please do not judge me too harshly. While I have a few of these disabilities (most notably PTSD, anxiety-depression, and visual impairments) myself and personally know people who have some others, every person and their experiences are unique. I try my best to give these disabilities the space and gravity they deserve in my writing, but it is difficult for ones that I have no personal experience with. In addition, I am still learning and only human. If I have done something wrong or phrased something badly at any point now or in the future, let me know and I will do my best to fix it/do better. Apologies for the abrupt disclaimer but there we go.

Anyways!!!!

On the the List!

RWBY;

Selene Argent=Has PTSD, one prosthetic eye, and some physical scars on face and torso. I'd safely say she counts.

Baldur's Gate;

Sable Shades=Is an albino and was rendered mute at birth. He sunburns extremely easily and is near-sighted. He also often communicates through sign language.

Roan Roarke=Beyond some minor PTSD symptoms (increased anxiety and stress levels) surrounding fires, he's perfectly fine.

Faenerys Elendir=Has PTSD from her time imprisoned particular involving whips and brands as torture implements.

Rune Mistsea=Post-lycanthropy encounter, he is notably more short-tempered around the full moon along with a distinct craving for meat and violence. Otherwise, nothing else of note.

Lucine Mistsea=Beyond a notable paranoia issue when it comes to demons and cambions (but not fellow tieflings), she's fine.

Lyr(e/a/an) Lovemoor=Autistic. Too much light and noise and surrounding activity is draining and makes them short-tempered with occasional blowouts/meltdowns. Has a Thing about certain textures (very much hates slimes and oozes and squishy things for this reason, likes silks and furs and leathers). Has a fascination for all things shiny and glittery (gems and currencies are a special interest). Also often fidgets with their daggers.

Saga Musehart=Was rendered blind due to torture at the hands of prison guards. She also lost a hand (initially) and a forearm (later due to infection) and wears a prosthesis.

Cei Gloomdraft=Autistic or at least neurodivergent of some kind. Might have some ADHD, it's not quite clear yet in the few pieces I've written so far to help develop her.

Mass Effect;

(Solo Shepard Canon)

Annette Shepard=Has some lingering PTSD symptoms from surviving a raid on Mindoir, then thresher maws in Akuze, and then being spaced at the beginning in Mass Effect 2. She also suffers from some survivor's guilt Post-Virmire due to losing Ashley, and then all of Mass Effect 3 puts such a huge burden on her that she's fighting off some severe depression and despair from all the losses. She's got an old war injury in her shoulder that acts up from time to time, occasionally making her biotics misfire a barrier. She's on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent her body from rejecting her Cerberus-added cybernetic implants and upgrades, and also some antidepressants for depression and anxiety symptoms for said lingering PTSD symptoms. Girl's a walking disaster-fire mentally but she keeps on surviving and she still looks for the good in life as it comes, so there's that.

(Shepard Siblings)

Joanna=Like Roscoe and Riley, she's also on immuno-suppressants to prevent cybernetic implant rejection. Notably, she's the most well-adjusted of the three mentally, although the losses and struggles of ME 3 start to take their toll due to depression. She spends an awkward month on the Normandy adjusting to the new medication while adjusting the amounts needed. In addition, she also goes through a whole existential crisis come the Citadel DLC about if she is really Joanna Shepard or a clone (which Riley, Roscoe, and the Normandy crew snap her out of). Her survivor's guilt is much less pronounced than Riley's though she does start the early stages of a martyr complex (it's a source of frequent and well-humored debate between Riley and Roscoe if it was already there or not) about the of Thane's death. But she does her best and keeps on going.

Roscoe=Definitely mentally ill. He's got some trauma around abandonment that starts to get fully addressed around ME 2 in part due to Jack and Miranda and is mostly resolved around ME 3 though naturally scars remain. It often manifests as anger, depression, and even callousness. Like Joanna's and Riley, he is on immuno-suppressants to prevent the potential rejection of his cybernetics. He's also got an old wound from Torfan in his abdomen that acts up under stronger pressures like before a rainstorm or different gravity levels as well as drastic temperature changes such as cold (he HATES Noveria for that reason in particular though it isn't the only one, man). Beyond all that, he's very strong-willed and gives no fucks to shit.

Riley=Much like Annette except a bit more well-adjusted due to a larger support network and character drive. Has notable flashbacks/triggers around batarians, thresher maws (this one includes panic attacks once the direct danger has passed), and hardsuit complications (they always makes sure that their helmet and everything is in working and optimal order). Has survivor's guilt from their losses on Mindoir and Akuze but between meeting Talitha and Toombs in ME 1, they confront and deal with it, beginning to heal from it. Even on Virmire with the loss of Honora and all the failures of ME 3, they do better at handling it though it still remains to varying degrees. Like Joanna's and Roscoe (and Annette again), they're on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent issues with their body rejecting the cybernetics, with the additional ones of antidepressants to help manage some of their anxiety-depression symptoms. They also have some degree of chronic pain (maybe some kind of cystic fibrosis?) due to past overuse of their biotics that damaged part of their nervous system and occasionally causes it to misfire for no reason, often causing intense pain. Rarely and only if the pain isn't treated with extensive biotics-free rest periods and numbing agents in the form of more pills, the biotics will manifest and they'll accidentally move shit around, including themself a few times. This is most notable in ME 3 due to the nature of the larger and longer combat sequences with shorter and shorter rest times between. Though they manage as best they can with the help of their crew and family, it is still a struggle and they notably stop joking about retiring when they're dead and seem to consider it more seriously around ME 3 but save the final decision for the end of the Reaper Wars.

(Shepard Family)

Honora Hartford=She had an eating disorder when she was younger that left some lingering issues with her health but overall she's fine up until her death.

Riley's deceased siblings were overall healthy though Payton had Down's Syndrome and Brooklyn had ADHD. Harley had moderate asthma and used an inhaler.

Clover has anemia quite often and takes iron pills daily

The rest of the Shepard cousins don't have any disabilities to much knowledge though I am still fleshing them out.

(Andromeda)

Sara and Scott Ryder have some lingering damage from their cryopod accident and the Kett leader fucking with them, but otherwise they are okay.

Asher has ADHD while Shiloh struggles with a mild form of chronic fatigue. Evander, Rebecca, and Lucas are all able-bodied.

Dragon Age;

(Fereldan Wardens)

Lynera Mahariel=Dunno if this counts, but am putting it here anyways since it affects her overall health. Occasionally suffers from a type of sleep paralysis that is mixed with night-terrors. It doesn't appear to have a rhyme or reason as to when it occurs beyond perhaps stress and it's only every few months. However, it often leaves her completely drained for at least a week afterwards. She also occasionally has insomnia post-terrors as well which she self-medicates with sleeping draughts. She also has crippling period pains that appear to be consistent with ovarian cysts on her left side (though she later has it removed by Catriona once it ruptures due to injury). She also suffers from bouts of depression during Origins but that could be due to the extenuating circumstances she was under at the time.

Isemaya Tabris=When overly stressed, being exposed to strong amounts of concentrated Taint in a short period of time, or sometimes simply for no apparent reason, she suffers from intense migraines that are often treated with herbal painkillers and lying still in a dark and quiet room. Also due to a past injury to her left eye by humans, she has a harder time seeing on that side but is not completely blind.

Catriona Surana=She seems to be autistic due to her ability and predilection to hyperfocus on various studies (often Blight and magic-related but other areas do occur) as well as her obliviousness to social cues (she didn't realize she was liked by her suitors until Cale outright told her and by then she had decided she liked them already). Notably, she adapts a bit better Post-Origins due to Alistair and Leliana's influences but it still happens.

Cale Amell=Had some minor amnesia surrounding the exact events leading to his magic manifestation but later learned it was because he had set his eldest brother Azul on fire and believed he killed him as Raven helpfully supplied (Azul had instead faked his death as Cale discovers around the time of Awakening).

Fion Cousland=Briefly suffers from a minor alcohol addiction but has treatment while he is still in the functional phase courtesy of Catriona. Since then, he heavily monitors his intake and even helps Oghren get treatment for his own. He also occasionally has painful muscle twinges due to an injury that stretches from his temple to his eye and ear down to his neck on the right side. This is most notable in bad weather or when he is sick.

Barran Aeducan=Suffered from a superiority-inferiority complex towards his siblings growing up though it has greatly lessened with time and experience. It is mostly gone by the time of Inquisition though prominent traces still remain.

Tatha Brosca=She is hard of hearing and has manged to cope by learning to lip-read (not always successful, however, especially with languages she is not familiar with) in Origins and a pair of hearing "horns" designed for her by an admiring Smith caste man by Awakening. She often jokes that now she has even more in common with her Bronto companion, Salroka, due to their shared horns.

(Origins)

Vireth Mahariel=Suffers from epilepsy and often treats it with various herbal remedies, though it is not completely effective and large amounts of intense stress on his body make it worse. He also begins to develop cataracts around the time of Act 2 of Dragon Age 2, though the cause is unknown (presumed genetics or simply age at the moment).

Elthorn Tabris=Has a stutter speech impediment.

Alaros Surana=Unknown at the moment as I haven't written too much about him.

The Amell Siblings=Probably doesn't count but Azul gets motion sickness, especially on boats. Raven, Carmine, and Reed are all perfectly healthy and fine, however the latter two are the ones I've written least at the moment. Marigold has asthma that she treats with herbs.

Aelynne Cousland=Nothing comes to mind. She does have some old injuries (mentally and physically) she acquired from the attack on Highever by Arl Howe that color her later interactions with the family during the Fereldan Civil War.

Valda Aeducan=Has a notable visual impairment that is corrected with glasses, albeit there is nothing to be done for her slight colorblindness (she has a hard type distinguishing between greys, greens, and blues).

(Orlesian Wardens)

Dion Caron=Suffers from sleep apnea that is eased by a special breathing herbal-incense infused mask he wears as well as whomever in his group is on watch to check on him periodically to ensure he still breathes (most often this is either Victoire-Ainsley or Garam). He also snores and coughs due to this. Loudly.

Victoire-Ainsley Caron=Nothing of note.

Isenna Andras=She's an albino and so burns and rashes in intense light and heat. She also has a lame leg that cannot be fixed with magic and so wears a reinforced brace to aid her walk. This creates a noticeable limp.

Garam Kader=Alcohol makes him sick and he suffered from intense gender dysphoria before paying a huge sum to have an ex-Tevinter magister turned fellow Warden help him transition.

(Hawkes)

Jasper, Skye, and Violet Hawke are perfectly healthy. Albeit with some diet restrictions due to various allergies.

Gray Hawke=He is diabetic and so often has to monitor his energy levels to ensure his health. It's part of the reason he doesn't actively endanger his life like his siblings (not that he won't, just less often in comparison). He acquires a truly impressive diet regime and treatment plan upon becoming a nobleman of the Amell family, allowing him much more freedom than before.

(Marquises)

Aurore and Marcel de Serault both suffer from mild hemophilia. Marcel also has a lyrium drug addiction he is trying to break (and is actually doing quite well via weaning himself off it) due to a brief stint as a Templar while serving the Chantry.

(Inquisitors)

Armashok Adaar=Poor eyesight that cannot be fully corrected by glasses and later loses an arm due to the Anchor. He also lost a few fingers and some right hand mobility due to pre-nquisition injuries as a mercenary. He also wears a brace on his left shoulder. He wears a prosthetic eye and replacement arm.

Ransley Trevelyan=Like Cullen, he is working on breaking his own lyrium addiction from his time as a Templar and, like the other Inquisitors, loses his arm due to the Anchor. He had it replaced with a prosthetic arm for his shield side.

Paeriel Lavellan=She loses an arm alongside all the other Inquisitors, but takes the loss much harsher due to her archery skills suffering. While she will wear a prosthesis in battle or when hunting, she doesn't wear it in her day-to-day life, instead preferring to make due as needed. She also has anxiety.

Naranka Cadash=She loses her Anchor-wielding arm and gains a crossbow-and-dagger prosthetic one courtesy of her Inner Circle, much to her delight. She also suffers from some damage to her reproductive tract due to past injuries and is uncertain if she could have children.

(Inner Circle)

Kara Adaar=Beyond an intense hatred of slavery due to being kidnapped and almost sold when she was younger before being rescued by her father, she's perfectly healthy. She does require bedrest for her periods though.

Emilyse Trevelyan=She suffers from some PTSD from her abuse at Templar hands in the Circle, though she begins to recover towards the end of Inquisition.

Samrel Lavellan=Has dyslexia and uses reading aids and memory devices.

Pyrmar Cadash=He might have some PTSD from his Carta days due to a notable cave-in that lasted for a few days before his rescue.

[venusmages]

Cyberpunk 2077 non-spoiler review

Anyways here’s my writeup about my least favorite parts of 2077 for people who are interested in seeing if it’s for them. Both going to talk about content as well as gameplay. This is for PC version, too, because I know last gen consoles are suffering terribly rn and I wouldn’t recommend the game if you’re not going to be playing on PC. At least not until it’s on sale or the issues have been resolved. It really, really shouldn’t have been released on last gen consoles at all in my opinion - or at least should’ve been released on consoles LATER.

If you like Saints Row, GTA, Mass Effect, Shadowrun, or the Cyberpunk genre in general - I definitely think this is something you might want to take a peek at! I wasn’t anticipating the game until about a month or two before release - so maybe that’s why I’m having a blast - but It’s one of my favorite stories from the past decade as far as sci-fi goes. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, and It’s really impressed me. I can’t even go into detail about all the things I LOVE because I really want folks to experience it themselves. Just know there’s a very intricately detailed world, all the characters are memorable and insanely well realized and complex, and the story is great fun. Also made me cry like 5 times. It’s become one of my FAVORITE games very quickly.

I’d also recommend Neon Arcade if you want someone who’s been covering the game for quite a while, including the technical and game industry aspect. He does well to go into some detail and even though he’s a fan, I’ve found him to be largely unbiased. I’m not going to go into industry politics here because I feel that’s up for everyone to decide on their own terms.

No spoilers, things to keep in mind, content warnings, etc. below!

CONTENT WARNINGS and issues with plot/story

this setting is dark. very dark. if you struggle stomaching things like dystopian landscapes, body horror, physical, mental and sexual abuse, corporate and gang violence, abuse of children, harsh language, and concepts that mess with the perception of reality - this game might not be for you. It’s a very mature setting, and I don’t mean that in the Adult Swim kind of way. I mean it in the ‘oh shit, it went there’ way. In my opinion I haven’t run across anything in it that was handled distastefully when it dipped into the depressing, but dark and gritty isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and I wanted to give a disclaimer.

The game’s universe in advertising and working for the lower class also exploits sex/sex work quite a bit. This is part of the lore itself because in this universe everyone’s become desensitized to sex and violence to the point that marketing embraces it and makes it ridiculous. I feel it’s very obvious that it doesn’t condone this message and is instead a commentary on consumerism - but people still might be uncomfortable seeing a lot of suggestive stuff all over the place regardless. 

Women in game are naked more often than men - even though there is nudity for both. This is likely a mix of appealing to the Gamer Boy demographic (even though the story does NOT actually), or the fact that media is way more cool with seeing naked women than seeing full frontal nudity on men. They probably had to tone some of it down to avoid going above an M rating. 

The story is amazing, but sometimes it dumps a lot onto you at once. It’s one of those sci-fi stories that you have to really be following the names, faces, and concepts continually to get it all down. There’s a lot of betrayal, background players, etc. I think by the mid-way point I’d mostly had it, but It’s pretty dense. However it’s still amazing. You might just need two playthroughs before every tiny detail clicks - because there’s a LOT of details. 

Honestly I think it would help to read up on the lore first so you’re not going ‘what’ constantly. But people have seemed to manage fine without that also! Neon Arcade has a really nice series of videos (like 2 or 3) that get you up to speed with the universe. It also helps you decide if the tone is right for you. 

I think the main story should’ve been longer, also. I don’t mind a 20 hr story, especially in a massive RPG, but It feels like they really struggled to cram as much into that time frame as possible. It skirts the edge of being nice and concise, snappy, and tight - and needing just a few more moments to take a breath and wait a second. This is helped if you do a lot of side quests.

The straight male romance option, River, is INCREDIBLY well written but he doesn’t tie into the main plot in any way whatsoever. It’s very strange and feels like they either ran out of time with him, or slapped together a romance with him at the last second. All the other romances at least know what’s going on with V’s story - meanwhile River has no idea, and you can never tell him. He’s an amazing guy though and I highly recommend his questline. He appears in ACT 2.

In general I’d say not to bother with the romances. There are only 4 total, and while the romancible characters on their own are really well written, the romances themselves are just kinda meh. One romance you don’t even meet until act 3. I don’t think they should’ve been included in the game at all, because they definitely don’t feel as fleshed out as everything else. 

CDPR also sometimes forget that women players or gay men exist. Panam and Judy have a lot more content than River and Kerry for example. I don’t think this is intentional, they just have a large fanbase of dudebros. It only shows in the romance content and the nudity thing though.

Johnny, Takemura, and Claire should’ve been romances and I will fight to the death on that. 

There are gay and trans characters in the game and their stories don’t revolve around their sexualities. It’s very Fallout: New Vegas in it’s approach to characters: IE. you’re going to love them. All of them. 

V’s gender isn’t locked to their body type or their genitals- but to to their voice. I don’t think it’s the best solution they could’ve used but given how the game is heavily voice acted I assume that was what they had to work with. 

Some of the romances are locked to both cis voices AND body types (not genitals if I recall but body shapes). That’s disappointing but I assume it was because of scripted scene issues and/or ignorance on the dev’s part considering the LGBT NPCS are so AMAZINGLY done. There’s no homophobic or transphobic language in the game - though there are gendered curse words and insults if that bothers you. 

Some characters MAY suffer from ‘bilingual people don’t talk like that’ syndrome. But it can be hard to say for sure given that translators exist in this universe and the way they operate aren’t fully described. It’s only momentarily distracting, not enough to take away from how charming the NPCs are.

The endings are really good don’t get me wrong but I want fix it fic :(. All of the endings out of like 6 (?) in the game are bittersweet. 

Both gender V’s are very good but female V’s voice acting is out of this world. If you don’t know what voice to go with/are neutral I’d highly recommend female V. Male V is charming and good but he feels much more monotone compared to female V. 

V has their own personality. To some this won’t be a detractor - but a lot of people thought they’d be making absolutely everything from the ground up. V is more of a commander shepard or geralt than a skyrim or d&d pc, if that makes sense. You can customize and influence them to a HUGE degree, some aspects of V will always be the same.

Streetkid is the most boring background - at least for it’s introduction/prologue.

GAMEPLAY/TECHNICAL

If you can run your game on ultra, don’t. It actually looks best with a mix of high and medium settings. Unless you have a beast that has ray-tracing - then by all means use ray tracing and see how absolutely insanely good it looks.

There are color blind modes for the UI, but not for some of the AI/Netrunning segments in cutscenes. Idk how much this will effect folks with colorblindness but those segments are thankfully short. 

There was an issue with braindances being an epilepsy trigger because for some reason they decided to mirror the flashing pattern after real epilepsy tests - probably because it ‘looks cool’. I don’t have epilepsy but it even hurt my eyes and gave me a headache. Massive oversight and really goddamn weird. Thankfully this was fixed.

There is no driving AI. Like at all. If you leave your car in the street the traffic is just going to pile up behind it. It’s one of the very few immersion breaking things I’ve encountered.

Sometimes when an NPC is driving with you in the car, they’ll drive on the curb and/or run into people. It’s kind of funny but can occasionally result in something weird. Feels very GTA  - but nothing excruciating. 

The camera angle feels a little too low in first person mode when driving on cars. You get used to it though. 

The police in this game feel slapped on and I hope they improve it. Right now if you commit a crime, you can never tell what will actually trigger it. And if you just run away a few blocks the police forget about it. 

Bikes are just way more fun to ride than the cars are. 

You CANNOT respec your character after you make them. Ever. it sucks. Go in with an idea ahead of time what you wanna do - it’s better than being a jack of all trades.

as of now you also CANNOT change their appearance after you exit the character creator. This, also, sucks. Make sure you REALLY like your V or you’re gonna be replaying the openings over and over like I did. 

Photomode on PC is the N key. Had to look it up. The mode itself is great though

Shooting and Mele fighting feel pretty standard. I don’t have a lot of shooter experience besides Bethesda games so anything feels better than that to me. So far I’ve enjoyed stealth and mele the best, but that’s just my own taste! The combat and driving aren’t groundbreaking by any means, but they’re still very fun. I look forward to running at people with swords or mantis blades, and zipping around the city on a motorcycle to see the sights. The story, lore, and interesting quests and characters are the real draw here.

I haven’t encountered any game breaking bugs in 80-ish hours of play time. One or two T-poses, a few overlays not loading or floating objects - but nothing terrible. Again, my experience is with Bethesda games. This is all usually fixed by either opening your inventory and closing it again, or exiting out and reloading your save. 

The C button is mapped for crouching AND skipping dialogue by default. That’s terrible. Change it in the settings to be HOLDING C skips dialogue and you’ll be gucci.

There’s apparently a crafting system. I have never been inclined to touch it. But I also play on easy like a pleb so IDK how it all scales otherwise.

The mirror reflections can be a little bit weird, at least on my end. They always end up a teeny bit grainy despite my computer being able to run everything on Ultra Max. You can still get good screens out of it though!

So many people text me to sell me cars and I want them to stop. Please. also the texting menu is abysmal. The rest is ok tho

It’s pretty clear when you’re going to go into a ‘cutscene’. all cutscenes are rendered in-engine BUT you often will be talking to other characters at a specific angle or setting. The game locks you into this usually by having you sit down. It works for me - after all we do a lot of sitting- but it IS very obvious that it’s a way for the game to get you in the frame it wants to display.

That’s all I can think of rn! If you’re interested but wanted to get a slightly better idea of whats going on, I hope this helps. I’m really enjoying it and despite my issues it’s exceeding my expectations. I’m going to be thinking about and replaying this game for quite a while. 

[christalpepsi]

a bit for storage

I’m going to post a buncha my grey’s fic! Not everything is connected yet, I just write in bits and pieces. Alex Karev x OC (for now), loosely follows canon, just not izzie. Anyways this is what I got so far: 

TW: depression, suicide, death

Selected bits from S1E1

Finally. Her first day. She was indescribably excited, but anxious thoughts kept invading her mind. She’d worked her ass off for this, and seeing it’s fruition as a residency at Seattle Grace was so rewarding. Well, until Dr. Webber killed the mood. 

“Say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play...That's up to you.”

What was this, a gladiator fight? Her brows furrowed, but as she glanced around, everyone was completely serious. Well, fight she would. 

She zoned out, hoping she’d get placed with people she met at the mixer, as Webber started listing the interns and their assigned residents, until her name caught her attention. 

“...Dr. Heather Palmer, Bailey. Dr. Isobel Stevens, Bailey…”

Someone nudged her from behind. 

“Palmer, you got the nazi.” Great.

She didn’t wanna push the envelope on the first day, so she had brushed her curls out and slicked them back into the tightest ballet bun she could without giving herself a headache. 

“You’re gonna be a suck up aren’t you? I can tell. Regular Mrs. Grundy.” Alex, another intern, snorted as she bobby pinned her bangs back. She glared at him, but he missed her stare as his eyes roamed over to Dr. Stevens. 

The other interns muttered amongst themselves as Heather finished tying her shoes, trying to imagine what the “nazi” looked like. A short black woman walked in, and no one paid her much attention until she raised her voice. 

“I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up, I already hate you, that's not gonna change. Trauma protocol, phone lists, pagers. Nurses will page you, you answer every page at a run. A run, that's rule number two. Your first shift starts now and lasts forty-eight hours. You're interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain, you run labs, write orders, work every second night till you drop and don't complain!”

She rushed out of the locker room at a quick walk, and everyone scrambled to follow her. Slamming open a nearby door, she said flatly, “On call rooms. Attendings hog them, sleep when you can, where you can, which brings me to rule number three, if I'm sleeping, don't wake me, unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number four, the dying patient better not be dead when I get there, not only would you have killed someone, you would have also woke me for no good reason, we clear?”

Silence fell, and Heather and the blonde girl, Izzie, vigorously nodded their heads.

“Um, Dr. Bailey?” Heather said softly.

“Yes,” Bailey said, staring daggers.

“You said there were five rules? That was only four.” Dr. Bailey stared a hole through Heather, chilling her to the bone. Thankfully, Bailey’s pager started beeping. 

“Rule number five. When I move, you move.”

“Nurses are the ones implementing most of our work, dickhead.”

“Whatever. Maybe you should’ve been a nurse then.” Alex grabbed his chart, and sauntered away. 

“Palmer, what is it?”

“Pain, paresthesia, pallor, pulselessness, paralysis. Compartment syndrome.”

“So? Book an OR!” Bailey yelled.

“Oh! Right, booking a plastics OR for a fasciotomy.”

Selected bits from S1E3

Alex stormed into the locker room as Heather and Izzie were changing. “Morning, Dr. Model.”

“Dr. Evil Spawn.” Stevens deadpanned.

“Ooh, nice tat. They airbrush that out for the catalogs?”

“I don't know. What do they do for the 666 on your skull?” Heather snickered, earning a glare from Karev, but effectively shutting him up. As they finished clipping their badges on, Palmer turned to Izzie, lowering her voice a tad.

“Iz, I don’t blame you! If I was hot I would’ve done the same thing.”

“Oh, shut up, you’re so hot.” Izzie retorted.

“I’m not skinny blonde hot.” Heather crossed her arms.

“Whatever, sexy brunette goddess.”

She let out a giggle, pleased to have the complement returned.

“Are you guys gonna make out now, or what?” Alex interrupted. Heather scoffed, leaving the room with Dr. Stevens in tow.

Dr. Palmer’s patient was scheduled for a lap cholecystectomy at 3 that afternoon with gensurg, so she had time to kill. Heading for the locker room to grab her wallet, she overheard a raised voice. Walking in, she saw a crowd had gathered, and Izzie stood in her bra and underwear. 

“Let's study them, shall we? Gather around and check out the booty that put Izzie Stevens through med school. Have you had enough or should I continue? Because I have a few more very interesting tattoos. You want to call me Dr. Model? That's fine. Just remember that while you're sitting on 200 grand of student loans, I'm out of debt.” Izzie yanked her clothes back on and stormed out of the room, nearly knocking Heather over. 

Everyone awkwardly filed out, leaving Alex and Heather staring at each other from across the room. 

“Where do you get off?” She sighed, leaving her wallet still in her locker, and left for the break room empty handed.

Additional Bits That I’m Working In

Sure, he was a whore, but...seeing him with the kids stirred something in her. It freaked her out. He was Alex Karev, Dr. Evil Spawn, cheater, syphilis giver, aloof, uncommitted, but stubborn, calm, steady, yet exhilarating, adroit, wry, and so clever. And so kind. So kind. He held the premie in his arms, a crooked smile on his face, and feeling her gaze, glanced up to meet Heather’s eyes. She lit on fire under that gaze.

“Palmer.” Addison’s voice brought her out of her thoughts, and she turned away, towards the direction of Addison’s call. Alex’s eyes followed her out of the room. 

“So who’s going with Dr. Montgomery-Shepard?”

“I will!”

“Palmer, you’re in Peds or OB everyday. I’m putting you in cardio.”

“Damn it.” she muttered. Cristina’s mouth dropped open in offense.

“What? She’s crazy and ungrateful and-turning down cardio?”

“Yang, take her place in OB today.”

“For God’s sake…” Cristina huffed and went to find Addison, leaving Heather with Burke. 

“Hey, Joe! How’s your day been?” Heather hopped up on one of the barstools, trying not to slouch due to lack of back support. 

“Eh, so-so. Whatcha drinking?”

“Hm. I’m not sure,” she turned to her right. “Alex, what am I drinking?”

“We’re off tomorrow. Have some damn tequila, Palmer.” he said with a smirk.

“Don’t mind if I do. Could I get a flight, Joe?”

“Alright! Make sure you don’t die of alcohol poisoning, Dr. Grundy.” Alex jabbed her in the side, making her flinch. She whacked him on the back of the head teasingly. 

“Here ya are, Dr. Palmer.”

“Joe, please, it’s Heather.”

He chuckled, heading down the row as she took her first shot. 

“No chaser? You psycho. That’s pretty hot.”

“Yeah, I know.”

And him. Just standing there, arms crossed, chewing his Extra peppermint gum, not a care in the world. He was leaning against the nurses’ station, and she noted with envy the eyes that weren’t hers staring at him. 

Just laying there, hearing Mere’s bedsprings, Izzie’s rustling, George’s soft snores...she was so alone. She had no reason to be. Full house, friends that cared for her...or did they? It’s not like they went out of their way to make plans outside of work, other than Joe’s, which wasn’t exactly the healthiest of bonding activities. But no one fought for her. She didn’t even fight for herself, and she could feel it again, the sinking. The numbness was settling in again. She stared at the ceiling fan, spinning, spinning, spinning. 

“It’s depression! Just...it hurts all the fucking time, Alex! And I just, file it away, keep myself busy with work, with Joe’s, with you-”

“Oh, so I’m just here to keep you busy, is that it?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted? Just sex?”

“Shut up!” He took a ragged breath. “Please, just leave me alone, Heather.”

She pursed her lips. “If you wanted-I mean I-”

“I asked you to leave.”

Defeated, she met his eyes and turned back down the garden path to her car, careful not to trip in the dark. She wouldn’t be sleeping here tonight. 

Izzie hadn’t moved from the bathroom floor in about 18 hours. Heather was inclined to go lay down with her, but it wasn’t her rotation yet. George was in there keeping her company for now. 

“Who’s next?”

“Meredith. When I tried to kill myself, it was because I saw no way out.” She fiddled with the sheets of Meredith’s bed to be rid of some of the fidgety anxiety. “Just having to be mediocre, feeling I wasn’t important to anybody…” she trailed off, looking in Meredith’s direction. “Mere, you have so much. You have such a gift and I know you don’t want to hear this, but you can’t be so careless. There are people who care about you, people who love-”

“Okay, Palmer, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, I really do, sharing your trauma and all that, but I’m fine. Really. I didn’t try to kill myself, thanks.”

Heather sat there until Meredith raised her eyebrows, a clear order to get out. Turning the corner she ran smack into Karev, whose eyes were haunted. 

“You tried to kill youself?”

“Ha. Yeah, big whoop.” She looked at him witheringly. Her facade fell when they locked eyes and she shrugged. “G’night, Alex.” She sidestepped him, heading to the elevator.

“Okay, but you can see us being endgame right?” Meredith asked again desperately. 

“Mere, I’ve already told you, you and Derek, if you want to make it work, you have to put in the effort! It depends on you two, not some magical twist of fate.”

“God, if he so much as looks at me funny, I’m reporting for sexual harassment.”

“That’s what everyone says before they sleep with him.” Callie said wryly. 

No. Because he had this thing with Rebecca. And she was supposed to be with Ben. But, God was it hard to give him space. 

“Please…” tears shined on his face, and his nose had started to run, “Please, please, please…”

He grabbed her by the back of her neck, forehead to forehead, pleading. “Alex-”

“Please...” She wiped his tears away, but new ones replaced them just as quickly.

“Callie, oh my God! Congratulations!”

“Thank you, Heather! George and I just-did it!’

“Lexie! Wanna work with me today?”

“Oh my gosh, yes!”

Heather pulled her to the side. “Thank God, you’re my favorite. Don’t tell the others.”

He pulled her closer to him, as if that would save her from the water that poured into the elevator, soaking their scrubs through. Their shoes were squelching as they ran to dry land. Except, of course, there wasn’t any. The whole floor was flooded. 

“Oh, God, it’s seeping through my socks.” Heather groaned. 

“I can handle the mess.” Alex said softly. “You know that.”

“But- I’m so much. Alex, Mere thinks she’s all dark and twisty or whatever, but that’s nothing, not to invalidate her but, it’s nothing compared-”

He took her by the sides of the face, eyes open, honest.

“I said, I can handle it. Do you want this?” 

Heather nodded, as a loss for words.

“Then bring it on.”

“Get a crash cart, dammit!” Heather yelled, voice cracking as tears spilled over. She met Alex’s eyes, just as glassy as hers, and he took over compressions.

Her knees buckled. She fell to the floor as if in slow motion. Izzie, first, now George. Not Georgie. Her 007, her Bambi. O’Malley. The pain was constant, unceasing. Because he really was gone. She imagined him, like he should’ve been the next day, new Army uniform, neat buzzcut...her head was too full; it was too much. Her body wouldn’t move, her mind was debilitated-then strong arms grasping her, meeting her here, on the floor.

“He was. George was hit by a fucking bus!” They burst out in laughter, trying to stifle any echos so passersby wouldn’t freak out.

The addition of Mercy West was hell on earth. Even just the loss of Izzie made the workload shoot through the roof.

[rubyredsundae]

Mass Effect Trilogy Tag!

I was not tagged by anyone, I just really wanted to join in. If you see this and want to as well, please do! I've been loving reading through everyone's :)

I am a fan since… 2011ish? Definitely at least a year before ME3 came out. I remember watching my brother play ME2 and thinking it was so cool. While he was away it was a huge comfort for me to play it in his room, kind of like a bonding or cathartic experience for someone who wasn't there at the time.

When ME3 came out, me and him went to the midnight release at a gamestop like 40 minutes away or something, wearing clothes we threw together to kind of fit the N7 color scheme. Even though we don't talk anymore, those memories are still really precious to me. Also, the nostalgia of playing ME1 after-school or on the weekend, running to get my easy mac from the microwave during a cutscene, stuffing too hot mouthfuls while speeding the Mako towards the conduit on Ilos.

Favorite game of the series: It's a tough call between ME1 and ME2, but I'd say ME2. It's the game I get the urge to replay the most.

MaleShep or FemShep? Femshep all the way. I only play MShep when I want to do his exclusive romances. No offense to BroShep, but ME was the first game I ever played that let me not just be a girl, but customizable. Not just to be the already generated token girl character in a pack of boys. And not only can you play Femshep, but every game you are surrounded by smart, funny, tough women as squadmates. It was such a huge deal to me, and still is. Femshep represents so much. As Jennifer Hale put it, FemShep was a military grade boot to the video game industry glass ceiling.

Earthborn, Colonist or Spacer? I personally tend to lean spacer in-game, but I tend to use Earthborn when I'm writing fics.

Paragon or Renegade? Usually Paragon, but Renegade playthroughs can be really interesting, especially if I have a detailed background about why Shep is the way they are. My first Renegade, Krystle, is pretty bigoted and anti-alien until she meets Liara. Krystle is naturally guarded and quick to anger, so meeting someone who seemed to accept her and listen to her without judgment really opens her mind.

By the 2nd game, she wakes up in the cerberus lab with new biotic powers, having previously been a regular foot soldier. This makes her seeth, having someone completely take her agency, agreeing with the illusive man on the surface but plotting against him the entire time. She starts to lean more Paragon, if only to piss him off. She has the biggest smirk on her face when she blows up the collector base.

Biotics or Tech? Oooh, this is hard. Maybe biotics just the tiniest smidge because of Jack/Samara biotic bubble throw during the suicide mission. I don't know if we'll ever get a screen adaptation but THAT is a moment I would pay to see done with a big SFX budget behind it.

Favorite class: Sentinel! I don't know how much this reflects on my class preference in gaming in general, but I love the 'jack of all trades'ness of it. By the time I get an assault rifle, I don't really feel the need for anyone else to make up for something I lack. Also, tech armor in ME2? Where your shields regenerate automatically when it breaks, and the cool down is when you initially active it, instead of when you detonate it? Chef's kiss. I understand why it was nerfed in 3 but I'm still mad.

Favorite companion: Ho boy. This is obviously very difficult to choose but I'm gonna say Miranda. I've always loved and identified with her character, I love the accent, and she's always useful on missions. I was so happy when I learned she could be a squadmate in the armax arena.

Honorable mention to Ashley in ME1. Her character is rarely used to exposition lore, so she just gets to have her personality fleshed out. I don't always agree with her but she does seem genuinely willing to listen. ME3 tosses her out the airlock though; partially because her content was bugged and never restored, leaving her inclusion feel half-baked, and partly because Ash and Kaidan have to be able to serve the same plot function as each other and it negatively affects her character more than his. This could also be intentional on bioware's part, to try to flesh out kaidan's personality and tone down Ashley's as a response to criticisms of them from ME1.

Least favorite companion: Also difficult, because I don't really hate anyone as much as I am just less interested in some. I didn't like Zaeed for a long time, but I think he's much better and really funny in ME3. James was pushed on me too much at the beginning and it made me really dislike him, but I think he's greatly improved and also pretty funny in Citadel DLC. I'm also pretty indifferent to Jacob; I don't think he's a bad character, just disappointing because there was a lot of potential.

Not that every character has to go on and do some grand quest to be interesting, but I don't feel like Jacob every really got a big hero moment like everyone else. He is a very calm and introverted person (imo) who doesn't really share his feelings, so it's always been hard for to to connect with him on anything.

My squad selection: Depends on the game, but it usually involves Garrus lol. Typically it's Liara/Garrus in ME1, Miranda/Garrus for ME2, and Liara/Garrus again in ME3. I am very boring and predictable! If you have any suggestions for me to try out and mix things up, let me know!

Favorite in-game romance: Also depends on the game. ME1 it's Liara, hands down. It was the first game, really the first piece of media, where I was told two women could fall in love and be happy and that was okay. The amount of enlightenment and comfort in figuring out that I was bi these games brought me is kind of wild to look back on.

ME2 is a toss-up between Garrus and Thane. They are both wonderful but in completely different ways. I tend to now romance Thane on characters I don't plan on importing to ME3, or if I do, to just have a really depressed fucking Shepard lol. I hate how much Thane was brushed off, especially if you romanced him.

Other pairings I like: l love Miranda so much, but I'm a gay girl so I ship her and Femshep. Same goes for Tali, Jack, Ashley... damn I'm just really gay for straight girls huh :/

I don't really have any other ships for non-Shep related pairings.

Favorite NPC: Shiala is really cool to me, I wish we got to see her in 3. Emily Wong is also cool, also wish we saw her in 3. There's probably a lot more that when I come across them next I'll be like, "you! I love you! You're my favorite."

Oh also Joker! And EDI! But not together. Idk I feel like ME3 threw a curveball at me with "do you support organic/non-organic relationships?" Like m'am please don't ask me, I accidentally drank turian liquor last year, I'm not qualified to be an expert on this.

Favorite antagonist: Tbh I really dig Saren. I think his reasoning is super fascinating, both to set up how someone who's indoctrinated can rationalize to themselves that they are still in control; and as a foil to Shepard, to show what can happen when you become too isolated and the ends justify the means. I think his VA does a great job of walking the line between desperate survivor and madman. He's also the only antagonist in the trilogy that we ever fight 1 on 1 (ignoring squadmates) and it feels more personal. I think he's such a fantastic foe for the first entry in a trilogy and I don't think he gets enough credit.

Favorite mission: Is it cliche to say the suicide mission? It's honestly close to perfect. The stakes, the sequencing, the cinematics, the score. Everything works so well.

Favorite loyalty mission: Kasumi's and Tali's are really cool, as we all know. Samara's is also cool because it is entirely non-combat based. Shepard has to prove they can accomplish what seems impossible without a gun or biotics.

The confrontation at the end with Morinth always haunts me a little, because they are both right in their own way. Morinth's final line, "and they say I'm the monster", as you let Samara kill her, watch her scrambling backwards in fear... I know that she's a remorseless killer, but it gets me every time.

Favorite DLC: It's Citadel, obviously. Turns out what I really wanted was quality time and a party with all my friends. I love mass effect for many reasons, but simulating friends and affection when I had none has always made me bond to this series like other games don't. Is it sad? Sure! But I don't think love and affection for fictional characters should ever be shameful until it makes you hurt other people.

Control, Synthesis or Destroy? I'd say destroy. If the other options were presented earlier and we had time to stew with it, maybe I'd be more split. But all of this in 5 minutes? It's not like the collector base where the implications are obvious and the choice is just down to what Shepard believes. The 3 choices all seem like space magic out of nowhere, and none of them seem to really offer any insight on what Shepard should believe. So I say destroy, just because it's what Shep has intended and is most consistent with their character and their admiration of Anderson.

Favorite weapon: The spectre level assault rifle in ME1. Never have I felt more powerful.

Favorite place: Idk why but I just thought of the creepy lab with all the scientists during the leviathan DLC. I really love when Mass Effect leans into the Lovecraftian horror aspect of things. Talking to Sovereign and Vigil in ME1 gave me goosebumps my first few playthroughs.

A quote I like: I have hundreds, but the one off the top of my head is, "After time adrift among open stars, along tides of light and through shoals of dust, I will return to where I began." I have a poster of it up on my wall right now!

[kaidans-alenko]

Andromeda, Cassiopeia, Draco, Libra, Crux, Indus, Pavo, Puppis + Virgo

Andromeda - Describe your main characters 

So these are all from Melancholy requiem(silent hill au) 

Lily: very much the opposite of her canon self, bitter, suffers from depression because of her mother’s murder(and one other reason I can’t go into because spoilers) doesn’t really interact with people much outside of her family. Other than taking care of her daughter she doesn’t work and rarely wants to leave the house. Constantly paranoid something could happen to Kaidan, Aiden or Ashley while she’s away from them. Her mother’s death really messed her up and while Kaidan did help bring back some of her old self another tragic event occurred that worsened her mental health. She often feels like the only reason her brother lives with her and Kaidan married her is because they pity her but she’s never told them that. 

Aiden: A freelance photographer, lives with his sister and Kaidan to help her out with Ashley because Kaidan has a busy work schedule and often works late. Over protective of Lily and Ashley, spends most the story feeling helpless because as much as he wants to help his sister he can’t because he has to stay with his niece. As a result of his mother dying he became so protective of his sister it’s nearly an obsession, after she got married though he calmed down a little. 

Kaidan: The boy! Not all that different from canon(I try to keep Kaidan the same regardless of au) the town wanted Lily and so they used him to get her there. When I was drafting it he showed up more often but now he can be in a chapter and it’s not a huge deal. If it weren’t for the fact he was the sole reason Lily went on her little trip I wouldn’t say he was a main character but he was so he is. 

Ashley Williams: Born and raised in Brahms and comes from a long line of law enforcement, has a savior complex which is why she wants to help Lily as much as she does. Originally it was Azalea but her and Lil had too much romantic chemistry in my mind so I changed it to Ash last minute. 

Jack: Oh TIM~ *clears throat* can’t give too much away about him but he’s very closely related to Daisy. He’s both the Dahlia and the Vincent but he’s turned into more of a Vincent orz local cult leader extraordinaire. Has a fake kindness most people get fooled by but Lily sees through(because she doesn’t trust people to begin with) would sell every one of his followers to Valtiel for one corn chip. Indirectly responsible for the death of Lily’s mother.

Daisy: Ah yes, little miss Daisy, she’s my yandere queen uwu plays a very important role in the cult that I cannot say anything about yet. Takes an extreme liking to Kaidan which 4 chapters in I guess I don’t need to tell anybody that so moving on. Her husband kind of ditched her as soon as she got sick which is why she latches onto Kaidan like she does. Prone to violent mood swings as a result of her illness and those monsters Lily ran into at the beginning of ch4 are actually ones she conjured up. Daisy views herself as a monster trapped in her bed and their attack is symbolic of how she treated her husband. Spewing venom at him until he eventually stopped seeing her(very much like Mary) 

Cassiopeia - What’s your favorite scene so far?

The one where Lily finds her mother’s body, took me most of the night to get that scene exactly how I wanted it and as much as it gave me a headache it was so worth it in the end. 

"Mommy….?" She squeaked, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You're bleeding...the first aid kit it's in the bathroom," she nodded as she stood up. "You just need some bandages then you'll be good as new."

Lily didn't run, she didn't jog, she walked, there was no sense of urgency to be had, she knew there was no point in what she was doing, her mother was dead, no amount of gauze or disinfect wipes was going to change that.

Lily caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, her hands were covered in blood as was her school uniform all the way down to her shoes "This is...mom's blood?" She fell to her knees onto the cold tile of the small bathroom, the room spinning and the metallic scent filling her nose, making her sick to her stomach.

"I...mom..." the shock overwhelmed her and her eyes rolled back into her head as she passed out, the bathroom carpet cushioning her fall.

Draco - Who’s your favorite character to write?

Lily because I get to torture her and was else are ocs for if not that? Closely followed by Aiden ofc 

Libra - Which relationship dynamic do you enjoy writing the most?

Alex and Kaidan in my step dad au that I need to write more of orz

Crux - Villains or Heroes?

Heroes! the closest thing i’ve written villain wise is Lily in any of my canon stuff. She’s renegade and a very ruthless one at that so i’d say she’s more of an anti-hero. 

Indus - Are there any characters or stories you miss writing? Tell us about them!

I miss writing Buttercup, she is the Shepard in my alankarian fic but I really want to write more for her and Jacob. Sometimes I miss burden of gemini and i’m sure at one point i’ll get back to it but it’s also something that could be told thru one shots of Lily and Aiden so we’ll see but right now i’m having way too much fun with melancholy requiem <3

Pavo - Where do you get inspiration from?

Mainly music and the sims lol I usually play with Kaidan and Lily and I came up with a vampire au and a modern au fwb story because of it <3

Puppis - Give us a piece of advice! (about anything)

Ummm don’t fall in love with video game characters? Jk jk uh....for an older sibling i’m bad with advice but there’s this thing I always do when i’m having a shit day or just a busy day at work I just tell myself “I never have to do this day again” and while I may have another shitty shift it won’t be this specific one. 

Virgo - Describe your favorite tropes.

I really like break the cutie which is the biggest trope I use when writing Lily lol like no matter the au, something bad is happening to her 

[gremlinkween]

Bad Moon Rising

Part 2: Mermen, Vampires, and Werewovles, Oh My! 

Summary: The reader finds and rescues a hurt merman who tells her that his name is Jim. She helps him without a second thought, but his presence might attract the attention of other supernatural creatures she never knew existed. This will eventually be a foursome (Jim Mason x Michael Langdon x Duncan Shepard x Reader) mythology/supernatural au.

A/N: I'm not dead! Instead of just saying that I was gonna do something, I figured my welcome back post would be the next revised chapter of BMR as an apology. I had some repressed memories come up and they were repressed for a reason so that rocked my boat real hard, but hi everyone! I'll get to the asks sitting in the inbox hopefully tonight, but it might have to be tomorrow. So for the new readers, the last one of the foursome is introduced, but we’ll get to actually see more of Michael and Duncan in the next part. There is an oc in here, Rory, that we’ll see more later. I’ve had him for awhile and he’s actually one of my fave characters ever. You can totally imagine Cillian Murphy for him. Again, if you want to be on the tag list, just hit me up and let me know what you think!

Warnings: No smut yet, sorry. There is blood, injury, mentions of mental illness, depression, crying, concern about having a total break from reality.

Word Count: 2.3k

Tagging List: @langdonsinferno, and @moonagecordelia and remember, my tag list is all sorts of messed up so please lmk if you want to be on it! either for this story or all my work! 

Previous Parts: Part 1

“I thought that vampires fed off of humans? Why did he go for you instead of me?”

“Well, yeah, vampires feed off of humans, but that’s not their only food source. Faerie blood is actually more nutritious and flavorful for vampires, just humans are more readily available and easier to hunt. He probably smelt my blood and sought me out.”

“… Wow, I mean makes sense, I guess?” It really didn’t, nothing made sense to her, but also Jim could tell her that the sky was actually purple and the ocean was orange, and she’d believe him at this point.

“You should probably take care of him.”

“Yeah, probably. Do I need something stronger than rope.”

He scoffed, “Yes, probably something more like a stake through the heart.”

She looked to the darkly angelic figure passed out on the floor. He looked helpless now, and she could see that the wounds that were on the cat adorned and tarnished his skin. He was hurt, and probably just looking for a way to heal himself. She felt bad, but on the other hand, Jim was in danger. So was she. This was fucked up. “No.”

Jim gave her a look like she might be insane.

“I said no. He’s just trying to survive like you. I’ll get like, chains or something. That should hold him?”

Jim looked at her with such bewilderment, she felt like she was the weird one in the room. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’s probably going to end badly.”

She was still looking at the vampire. Probably, she was thinking, but that’s not what she said. “I think it’s going to be fine.”

“…. Okay, if you say so.” Jim was still so unsure of this. “Just move him please.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

—————————

Moving the vampire that was nearly double her size wasn’t an easy feat, but she did it. Thank god for the hauls of fish she’s been lugging around her whole life or this might actually be impossible. She had him propped up against the support beam in the living room. That was the sturdiest place in her house she could think of, but you knew you needed to move fast. There was no telling how much time you had before he woke up, and she couldn’t imagine he’d be happy when he did. Now, the next problem was finding chains and a lock that was probably heavy duty enough. She figured the boatyard, but she’d really have to move her ass.

She grabbed the keys to her dad’s old beat up pick up truck and a jacket and hurried out the door. She was humming to herself in a tense song, a habit she did out of nervousness, and fumbled with the keys.

“Hi there, Y/N, a little la-” a familiar voice called, but with the night’s events, she was already under so much pressure, and she yelped and nearly threw the keys. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Hi, Rory. Sorry, it’s been a night.” Oh Rory, the older Irish gentleman that ran the dock’s favorite bar to go to in the evening, and her next door neighbor. She had known him her whole life, a steady constant in this crazy shit show her life had been these past couple of months. She really wasn't alarmed with him being out so late. With his business, he always had been a night owl.

“I can see that,” his thick accent rang out with a chuckle, and she blanched for a second. “Dragging in buckets of sea water?”

“It’s an art project,” She answered maybe a little too fast and he cocked an eyebrow. “You know, for processing trauma. I read about it.”

“Okay then, Y/N,” he was unsure, but he was going to drop it. He knew grief made people do some strange things sometimes. 

“I’m going out for more things.” She didn’t know when to stop talking apparently.

“Well, good luck with that at 3 am. Just be careful,” he wished her well, “It’s a full moon, all the crazies are out tonight.”

She just chuckled uneasily, if she could only tell him. “Will do, you get some rest.”

“You too, dear.”

She was finally able to get the truck open and started, and she sped off to the boatyard.

————————————

The yard was desolate and particularly eerily this night. Mist from the water was creeping over the place and gave it an all too fitting gothic appearance. She really wished that the world would stop being so poetic for a change. She found herself pulling her jacket tighter as she walked in between the older and busted up boats, something making the hair on the back of her neck stand up on end. A presence was following her, but she was all too tired of the night's weirdness to give into the thought. Surely, tonight couldn't get weirder. 

She had to kick the door down to the supply shed, but she doubted anyone would really care. This was the forgotten side of town anyway. She found heavy duty chains and a padlock fairly quickly, a feeling of satisfaction filled her that was quickly overshadowed by something else. Her head whipped up to the door and then to the window. She saw nothing, but she swore she felt eyes on her. Very intent eyes. God damn it. At this point, she was just hoping for another human.

The best thing to do was just get the hell out of there regardless, she decided, and without actually breaking into a run, she moved as fast as she could.

Outside, she swore she hear footsteps of something. It was much too big to be a person, but she didn’t know what it could be. Could be anything. She didn't know, and she was getting tired of this one night getting so fucking weird. There was an idea trying to creep into her mind, one that she was trying to violently shut out. She actually might just give up if she was right.

There was a movement and then a soft growl. She blanched again, but sighed. Of course. No, of course this would be the night that even more insane shit has to happen. She turned to the boat she saw the movement coming from and her eyes widened, yet she was somehow not surprised. A giant wolf monster sat perched up on the cabin and she nodded. “Sure. Yep. This might as well happen. Let’s just get this over with.”

It glowered at her as it crept down and off the boat, but in the bright moonlight, she saw the deep wounds ruining the lay of the coat. It growled again and began to stand on this back legs, standing at it’s full eight foot height, but she held dropped the chains and held up her hands. “Don’t even think about it, buddy,” she said firmly and the wolf’s ears pitched forward, clearly curious about the lack of fear.

“I’ve got a hurt merman and a vampire I need to restrain soon or he’s going to try to eat the merman at home. I see that you’re hurt. I can take care of you, but I need you to stop being a dick.”

It looked like it was debating something it’s head before settling down on all fours and cautiously moved towards her before gently nuzzling into her neck, smelling and licking her, she figured that this was some kind of greeting that werewolves had, but he was being friendly, but she just rolled with it. It was that kind of night that was already weird enough. She scratched behind it’s ears and it practically mewled and she had to smile, that was pretty cute.

“Come on, let’s go. I have to get back before the vampire wakes up.”

He limped along with her, and she had to help the poor thing up into the bed of the truck, but he was behaving quite well. She covered him up, with one of the tarps she used for the fish, and hopped in. Hopefully, she wasn’t too late, and she felt worry pit itself in her stomach.

———————————————–

She had to make sure the lights on in Rory’s house were off before she uncovered the newest friend and boy from her truck and hurried him into the house.

The first thing she did was check to make sure that the vampire was still out and passed out where she left him. Thankfully, he was, and she was able to breathe a sigh of relief. She went back to the kitchen as the werewolf began sniffing around. “Go upstairs, it’s the room with the lights on.”

The wolf looked at her uneasily, but he relented and sulked up the stairs on all fours, looking over its’ shoulders at her.

She grabbed the chains and quickly secured the vampire to the post. There was a moment that nearly had her passing out, his nose flared a couple of times when she got closer, but luckily that was his only response to her.

She didn’t waste anymore time though, grabbed the medical box for the third time tonight, and she was running up the stairs. Once she reached the top of the stairs, she saw the large furry head pop out of the doorway. It was odd to have such a large creature in her house, but she didn’t think about that just yet. She sat the box down on the desk and she heard it growl softly.

“Come on, I know this is going to hurt a little bit, but,” the wolf cut her off with another, more aggressive growl.

“Uhhh, Y/N,” Jim called from the bathroom. “What was that?”

She turned around and went to the door. “I might have made another new friend tonight.” The wolf’s head popped into sight from the door to look at where the other voice came from out of curiosity, and Jim went white.

“That’s an alpha werewolf.”

She grunted as he pushed his way into the bathroom and began smelling and licking at Jim’s neck like he had done with her, and Jim couldn’t help the giggles that escaped his mouth and it only encouraged the wolf to tickle him more, but he eventually pushed him off gently.

Jim smiled shyly at the wolf before looking to her again. “Why was he growling at you?”

“I was just getting ready to stitch up his wounds.”

The monstrous animal’s ears pinned back at the word and Jim swatted his muzzle, startling the wolf.

“Be nice. She doesn’t know anything and you can’t talk in that form,” Jim chided with a small smile.

“You don’t need to rub it in!” She was almost defensive, but Jim was laughing.

“Werewolves don’t need stitches, particularly alphas. He’ll be fine by tomorrow night, you won’t even know that he was hurt.”

She nodded, but then stopped. “Why did he come with me then? If he didn’t need help.”

Jim’s eyes were practically shining with mischief. “He probably thinks you’re cute.”

She was bright red now and she looked at the clear amusement both of them had.

“Or he had other reasons, I’m just,” He had to think about it. He wasn’t sure about the human word for this. “Having my fun?” He had a little shy smile, and while she was scowling, her heart melted a bit at the expression.

“I didn’t realize I was opening my door to such jokesters,” but even she had to laugh.

She let out a yawn, and she realized how tired she was out. It hit like a freight train now that she didn't have a murderous vampire on the loose and she no longer had to play doctor. “Well, I think I’m going to be retiring for the night. Jim would you like a pillow or something?”

He cocked he eyebrow. Right, that makes sense that they wouldn’t have them in the ocean.

“I’ll go get one for you away.”

The wolf followed her out of the bathroom and crawled up on the bed for no regard to his weight as he circled like any dog would before settling down on the bed. She grabbed one of the extra pillows and returned to stuff it in the corner between the wall and the bathtub and Jim hesitantly rested his head against it before his eyes lit up.

“This is very comfortable. What did you call this?”

She chuckled, “A pillow. Goodnight, Jim.”

He smiled, “Goodnight, Y/N. Thank you. again.”

“It’s no problem.” With that, she left again for the bedroom.

She looked at the wolf, seemingly asleep, and she decided what the hell. She took her bra off and her pants, leaving herself in just a shirt and underwear. She crawled into bed under the blankets and tried to get comfortable, but sleep wasn’t coming to her at all. She was just replaying the events of the night.

So, at the beginning of the night, it was crippling loneliness and a solid crying session, then late night sailing on the boat …. Then she saved a merman …. Then they got attacked by a vampire ….. and then she picked up a werewolf ….. and now there’s a merman in  her bathtub, a vampire chained up in the living room, and a werewolf in bed with her. She sighed. This was…. weird. This was a weird night. This couldn’t have happened, could it? This stuff was made up. Oh god, she was having a mental breakdown. She was breaking and this wasn’t real. None of this was real.

She was starting to hyperventilate, panic gripping her, but then she felt a warm head, a very warm, very large, and very fluffy head nuzzle into her chest. A strong, furry arm ending in a hand with extremely long and sturdy claws wrapped around her abdomen and pulled her tight. An animal’s tongue licked her cheek and she had to laugh at how much it tickled. She heard the wolf make a noise deep within its throat in approval and she relaxed. This was real. It was very very real and she had the feeling that this wolf wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

Sleep soon took over, and for the first time in what felt like years, there was a smile on her face.

[tarysande]

Hi, new followers!

There have been many of you lately---I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because of Lucifer (omgIloveitsomuch).

Hi, my name is Tara! I’m a freelance writer and editor from Canada. My day job entails a lot of editing-of-all-kinds and some marketing/sales writing/blogging. I write fiction for fun (and maybe even profit one day). I have a background in theatre, film, and creative writing (and have a writing tag you can peek at for various bits of take-with-a-grain-of-salt advice).

Right now, as is probably pretty obvious, my primary playground is Lucifer. I’m still connected to the Mass Effect and Dragon Age fandoms, though, and have written quite a lot of fic in all three.

This is also a personal blog. I tend to tag these posts “Tara talks personal stuff.” I have (currently well-managed) depression, anxiety, and ADHD; occasionally I talk about these, too. I really love Iceland, Ireland, Italy, tea, coffee, books, cats, cocktails, libraries, pretty dresses, rain, travel, foxes, ravens, psychology, dogs, cottages surrounded by overgrown gardens, water, and fairy tales. I am wildly averse to spoilers and a TAGGER OF ALL THINGS, so if you want something tagged specifically, hit my up askbox without worrying that you’re bothering me.

Tumblr is my happy fannish space: you won’t see a lot of negativity here, and you’ll never see character hate (though you will definitely see character discussion). Though I care deeply about current events, that doesn’t bleed over into this place very often; I blacklist as many politics-related tags as I can to give myself at least some small respite.

My fic can be found on AO3, or in my fic tag. Lately, I’ve been writing a lot of Lucifer fic and Lucifer meta. Most of the Mass Effect fic I write is about the same Shepard and Garrus, and you can find a roughly-chronological accounting of their story on my blog’s sidebar.

For dash-management purposes, I can’t follow everyone who follows me (and I can’t follow people who don’t tag because I curate a pretty extensive blacklist), but my askbox is open, and I am always happy to interact with people, even if we’re not mutuals. Please, feel free---nay, I implore you---to introduce yourself at any time. I’m not ashamed to admit that seeing someone repeatedly show up in my notifications is usually how following happens (as long as there’s tagging). 

Also for dash-management purposes: video game peeps can blacklist #lucifer on netflix; Lucifer peeps can blacklist #mass effect and #dragon age.

I do try to be good about answering asks. Sometimes I fail. If I don’t reply to something, either I didn’t get it, I was temporarily treading water, I was really busy with RL stuff, or the NOW OR NEVER side of my ADHD kicked in (I’m working on it). IT IS NOT YOU, YOU ARE NEVER BOTHERING ME, IT’S 100% ME. Please try again. Or send me a DM. In that vein: while I accept prompts (and occasionally even ask for them), I can’t guarantee I’ll get to them (and it’s probably worth at least noting what my interests or OTPs or favorite characters are before sending requests).

People have occasionally asked if they can do fanwork/fanart/fanstuff of my stories. After the blushing stops, the answer is always yes. Just make sure to point me at it so I can shriek with appropriate appreciation :D

If anyone wants to support my original writing (which, frankly, means I have more time for all writing, including fic), I have a Patreon and a Ko-Fi, but 100% do not feel obligated. I’ll still be here, making stuff :) And a huge thank you to everyone who does support me; you are amazing, and I do not deserve you.

Last but not least, if you need to unfollow me for any reason, please don’t hesitate. I have an open door policy around here, so come and go as you please without letting tumblr-anxiety get you down. (Though, if we’re mutuals, I’d love it if you dropped me a line.) <3

[lilyhoshikawa]

Yugioh Vrains & Trauma

The concept of Yusaku, Takeru, and Ryoken as characters and the way they each process trauma is so interesting to me and I wish we got more exploration of it.

The pieces though, are certainly there, and I think it's worth some thought.

We came close a few times to having a very real, direct statement about the trauma the characters face. For example, Takeru's duel with Blood Shepard, where he pulls a fast one and Blood Shepard attempts to use traumatizing imagery from Takeru's past against him, but Takeru- who has began the path of recovery- has reached a point where he can face triggering images without completely being overtaken by weakness. Having Flame with him grounds him in reality. All of this fitting the theme of his deck, Reincarnation, which he uses to turn the duel around.

Despite this, Takeru isn't healed completely. One of my biggest criticisms of those episodes is the framing of Takeru's trauma as something he has moved past, as if it's that simple. Takeru doesn't let his trauma define him, but it's still a part of him. He wants to be a cool hero and enjoys his duels against opponents he respects, aspects he does not share with the deeply depressed Yusaku, but one place the mask slips is in the confrontation with Revolver. He gets mad. He is faced with someone he can reasonably pin the blame of his torment on. He is not directly responsible, but there's enough room to make a case that he deserves to suffer for his actions. Takeru becomes angry and tries to defeat Ryoken, and this scene is great. It's powerful. It illustrates how two traumatized people- young people without parents, also- process their trauma. It's two people who are very hurt clashing. But they process it in different ways.

Ryoken blames himself for a lot of things. For his father's death, for his father's illness, even to an extent for the lost incident. In his duel with Go he explains that he doesn't duel for a grand symbolic purpose or for himself, but to accomplish his goal. This is an extension of how Ryoken exists in life. Ryoken Kogami, the person, hates himself. He, at the very minimum, blames himself for a lot of heavy things. But as Revolver, as the leader of Hanoi, he's simply acting out his mission to exterminate the Ignis. He doesn't have to deal with his feelings about himself because he's acting professionally.

The duel against Takeru is the only time he does not duel as Revolver, but as Ryoken. He is being faced with someone who wants to hold him, personally, accountable for his actions. This isn't like the duels with Playmaker, who despite being a victim of the Lost Incident, is trying to stop the Knights of Hanoi and their plans. Takeru only wants to defeat him for personal vindication. And as a person, Ryoken is unable to stop him. He has the cards to make a play, sure. He could even very well win. But what does that prove, if he does? It'd be refusing to own up to his actions. Ryoken fully believes he is guilty of everything for which Takeru accuses him. And he is prepared to face that. He doesn't value himself enough to defend. The duel will always end either with Takeru defeating him or forgiving him and moving on.

Now the character whose trauma we get the most insight on is Yusaku, but it's a strange way. So much of it is much more subtle. Yusaku has nothing and no one, this is the foundation of his character. On the surface, he's surrounded by people. Naoki is present in his life trying to be his friend, Kusanagi is his mentor and ally, Ai never shuts up, he's got Roboppy at his house, countless duelists in Link Vrains look up to him as Playmaker.

And yet, Yusaku is distant. He chooses to be distant. Perhaps not even in a voluntary way, but out of preservation.

Almost as second nature, he keeps his distance. He ignores Naoki. He avoids roping Go Onizuka into the fight against Hanoi. He shares his feelings only with Ryoken, who understands his past, and later with Takeru. He does share these feelings with Kusanagi to am extent, but even then, he's careful not to show too much. Kusanagi is a friend and ally, but not someone who Yusaku wants to drag into his deepest turmoil.

This can also be observed in his role as Playmaker. Unlike Takeru, Yusaku does not want to be a hero. He operated in secret until he was dragged out into the open. He fought for the personal goal of revenge until the danger became massive enough to affect innocent people. Even then, though, he didn't care about saving others so much as he did fighting Ryoken. In season 2, he is cast countless times as the hero of Link Vrains, but he doesn't care to be that. He owes Ai and wants to help him, and to assist his friends, but he has no interest in being a "cool hero". In fact, he's all but ready to drop the veil when Kusanagi loses.

While Takeru has Flame to keep him stable, Yusaku has Kusanagi. A close person that grounds him in reality. Yusaku is forced not only to watch him vanish, but to be the one to do it. He's vulnerable and afraid, but there is no one to comfort him. He has no choice but to fight back and win to fulfill Kusanagi's promise with him- not so that he can keep fighting, but because he made a promise. It's the same reason he wakes up and keeps going. He doesn't care about defeating Bohman and saving the world. All he knows is that he owes someone close to him, and he has to keep moving. But having to directly end Kusanagi is understandably traumatic. Yusaku comforts himself with the knowledge that Kusanagi was proud of him, but even then, it's a huge burden.

He had to face someone who he loves and trusts and directly be the one to end his life, and it takes all he has. The giant scream he lets out right before his last turn- the only turn in which he can bring himself to declare an attack- is the moment he builds up all his strength to make one strong move to win all while pushing back his own feelings. As soon as its over, he can't keep himself together.

Yusaku waking up is also deeply symbolic. For people with serious depression, just getting out of bed can be a tremendous ask. It's so hard to get up and face the world. You're tired. It's easier just to give up. Yusaku repeats all of these points. "I've had it with everything. I'm tired".

Yusaku never got the help he needed. His attempts at therapy didn't fit with his needs, as he was already so deeply traumatized that he shut himself off to trusting others. He had night terrors. He lived completely alone. He found a person to live with and stabilize him in Kusanagi, but the depression still majorly controls his life.

He sleeps in class, he has no interests or properties outside of his mission. He barely knows anyone and makes no effort to connect with people, in fact, he actively pushes them away- not just to preserve his identity. He abandons anything that doesn't involve his mission if he can. He ignores the words of others, especially Ai, and only focuses on his dueling.

You get the feeling that while Yusaku is pushing himself, all of this is taking a lot of effort for him. Every action is a massive request, it's difficult. And Yusaku remains alone in this journey even as friends amass beside him. He does not confide in them, he simply relies on them for technical and strategic help. At no point does he come to them about his personal struggle. So of course he doesn't see himself as a hero. Being a hero takes work, it requires a sense of duty and honor. Yusaku has none of those qualities, or at least, he doesn't believe he does. He simply motivates himself to keep going, nothing more. He struggles to grow, to better himself, to recover. When he finds Ryoken and Takeru, it's a step up for him, much as it was when he met Kusanagi. They are people he can confide in and feel close with, but they are as traumatized as he is. Ryoken is distant and confrontational. Takeru is kind, but his personality is too different from Yusaku's own to connect. He remains in large part with all of his feelings internalized.

But what this does to Yusaku is set him up in a very vulnerable place. When he fails, when people close to him and that rely on him are let down, or taken away, he is damaged more and more. He has already lost so much in the course of the series. He allowed himself to rely on Go Onizuka and Blue Angel and ended up hurting them. Now his closest friends and allies are being defeated in the war against the Ignis. He has faced so much loss and had so many people he cares about get hurt that he is emotionally fragile. It'd be interesting to see him finally crack, finally open up and admit to someone that he's hurting and needs them. He has the people there, he simply needs to be open with them. And that role which would normally default to Ryoken can't be fulfilled because of Ryoken's own very poor coping making him distant. This is why I think Takeru is the right person to set both of them on the path to recovery. He's a kind person who wants the best for others, that's what Bohman even says upon defeating him. His earnest and caring demeanor is what it would take, in my opinion, to break through Yusaku's walls of defenses and distancing that he has set up as a coping mechanism to isolate his struggles and weakness from others, both as a result of a lack of trust and the duties placed on him as Playmaker, the Savior and Hero of Link Vrains. Only someone who has been in that position can really understand, or if anything, connect with him.

There is a lot more, honestly. I think signs of Yusaku’s intense state of depression brought on by his untreated trauma is really evident in almost everything he does as a character, and that’s why I like him so much. All that said, though, I’d basically be repeating myself so I’ll just close by saying Vrains has the potential to explore this in more depth and I hope desperately that that’s what we’ll get out of season 3. The Bohman narrative is pretty cliche and played and it doesn’t have quite as many opportunities for intimate character moments as I’d like. Yusaku isn’t gonna, y’know, open up about his trauma to Bohman during the final duel.

A forced duel between Soulburner and Playmaker, in a similar vein to the Kusanagi duel, could open that door and bring them closer together as well. It’d be nice to naturally integrate Takeru in the story a bit more, too.

[simplechicwithacrazedheart]

Into the Great Unknown (Tom Holland x Spanish Reader

A/N: This may become a series, depending on the reactions! This was inspired by his Instagram story in which he found a dog with Harrison and took him to the vet. It has been so long since I’ve written anything so excuse the bad writing. I think the bit with Tom at the end makes the whole thing worth it, but I am biased. Let me know if you want more of these! Also, I wrote this in one-go, no proof reading.  So sorry for any mistakes. 

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Words: 2,606

[y/n] = your name

[y/s/c] = your skin color

“Babosa” = A Spanish word for dumbass/idiot (female)

*********************************

Thrill. That’s what rushed through her veins when the gate was left open. Her heart no longer pumped the blood that coursed through her, no, no, no. What pumped her blood was the sense of wild adventure that accompanied the Great Unknown. This is pushed her to bolt past the slightly ajar gate when no one was insight. The future was her to take hold and by damn, she was going to take hold of it. She was going to decide her path. She was going to run loose and take it all in.

All by herself.

The sun lowered into the sky, cars passed by. No one batted a single eye as she roamed around trying to take it all in. At least she hadn’t noticed anyone staring. The street lights flicked on chasing away the natural light of the sun. There she was.

Alone in the dark.

Hungry. In the sudden burst of adrenaline that had overtaken her, she had ignored the breakfast that had been prepared for her.

Lost. In trying to take everything in, she had gotten turned around. Everything and nothing looked familiar. The people who walked past her only seemed to hastily walk away from her. Unable to understand her cries for help. Unable to understand that all she wanted was to go home. In the end, she found it logical to lay under a tree and sleep for the night. For not much else could be done.

She awoke with the sun and began her search for the journey home once more.

The attempt was moot and she couldn’t remember the last time she had gone this long without food and the restless night of sleep plagued her mind. She missed her overprotective mother, who smothered her senseless. But, those smothering had made her feel loved. Cared for. It made her forget about how she had been abandoned, left in a box in an alleyway when she was young. These last few hours only brought up those memories. Her heart twisting, whimpers echoing within her throat yet never slipping past her lips. Why had she run out? She had the perfect life. A mother who spoiled her, who brought her ice cream, who let her sleep in her bed, who taught her English and Spanish, who taught her how to love again. Why had she been foolish enough to go out without her, especially when they had only recently moved into a new area?

It was in the series of depressing thought of resentment towards oneself did someone, or some people, approached her.

“Are you lost love?”

***

[y/n] walked down the sidewalk, hands deep in the coat pocket fiddling with the new set of keys and a brand new tag with a grocery bag dangling on her forearm as she hummed to herself, lost in her thoughts. Never had she planned to move out of the neighborhood she was raised in, must less to this section of Kingston. Not that it was a bad area, in fact it was quite beautiful to her, but that was besides the point. The point had been was that she was in a new area now and had a new number. This was a new life and the moment she got to her new home she would update her p-

Few things could interrupted [y/n]’s thought process. Seeing her gate pushed open did not only that but stopped her heart. Feet pounded the ground as she ran past the gate. Maybe the Babosa was inside the house by some miracle or in the backyard asleep under the tree. The backyard was as empty as [y/n]’s lungs. The air escaping her lungs, her lungs themselves burning, pulsing even. Her heart jackhammering against her chest. Keys jammed into the front lock, opening it yanking the door open, the grocery bag dropping to the floor. “Laika?? Babosa! Come here!” Silence. Not even the sound of trotting. Stepping in the house, disbelief coursing through her veins. “Laika! This isn’t funny!” Voice thick, eyes blurring. “Laika!”

[y/s/c] hands grabbed the keys that had been dropped into the bowl on the table stand by the door and ran out the house, barely managing to lock the door behind her.

***

“LAIKA!” [y/n]’s voice was raw, hoarse. It hurt to speak, to breathe, to run. She had been outside for about twelve hours, running around calling out her precious dog’s name. “Laika! Please! Vega pa ca!” (Come here!) She cried. She stopped everyone who even glanced at her. Showing photos of her lost german shepard mix lab until her phone had died. When it did, she would describe Laika down to the little scar along her left paw from when she was abandoned as a puppy.

No luck. That night [y/n] slept on her porch hoping that her dog would find her way back home by some miracle. That perhaps that God would answer her prayers. That all those times when her family would drag her to church Sunday morning would mean that she was in his good grace. That he would grant her this one miracle. She prayed in Spanish, English, and Spanish once more before sleep claimed her.

In the morning, she grabbed her phone from the charger and went out searching once more. She resumed her shouting, using her determination to find the only thing that made her home feel like home, pushing down the tears, pushing down the cold gripping fear that she had been runned over. That she had been stolen. While running around, [y/n] called every pound, every shelter. Her phone dinged and [y/n] unlocked it at the speed of light. Praying that the instagram notification was about her dog.  It had not been. [y/f] had just send her a comment saying to check out Tom Holland’s instagram story. How it would “make her day better”. [y/n] wanted to punch her friend in the face so much at that moment. Seeing some actor, no matter how much she adored his personality, smile, and kind eyes, would not improve her day. Yet, she still tapped over the small circle at the top of her instagram feed. 

“Bit of an odd message, walking around Kingston and we found this dog….so if this is your dog, please let us know we’re gonna take her to the vet to make sure she’s all ok.”

You had missed some part of what Tom Holland had said due to him revealing the dog.

Laika.

Laika was alive.  And wagging her pinche cola (fucking tail). Tears ran down your cheeks as relief replaced the cold gripping fear that you had lost your piece of home forever. It was only after the story ended that you realized that you had no clue which vet he was referring too.

It was a long shot but you had to try. Your finger tapped the “send message” button and you tapped as if your life depended on it, having to correct misspellings due to trembling hands.

I know you have no reason to believe me. But the dog you found is my dog. I just moved to the area so neither of us knows it too well. Please can you tell me which vet you went to? The microchip information is incorrect. She has a scar on the underside of her left paw, about 1/4th centimeters thick and 4 centimeters long. She responds to the name Laika and Babosa, Ba- bow-sa. She responds to both English and Spanish commands. Well, her best trick is the give me paw one. You can have your hands behind your back and say the command and she still understands. You can leave first and then tell me. I don’t give a flying fuck right now. I just want my dog back, I have been looking for her for the past day and a half please. Solo quiero la única cosa que haci me casa sentí como casa de nuevo.

Not having noticed that you had finished the rambling in Spanish, nor that you had rambled you hit send and began calling every vet nearby according to google asking about a german shepard mix lab that had been brought in. Cursing at them, crying on the phone, when they refused to say or if they had not been brought a dog.

Her phone dinged once more and like before she whipped it out at an incredible speed.

Ello. I can’t believe posting a story like that actually worked if I’m quite honest. All of the details you gave proved that she’s indeed your dog. We’ve taken her to Goddard Vet in Kingston.-  

There was more to the message but you opened up the UBER app the moment you found out the vet and called one over to the vet. The drive there felt as if it was an eternity, her heart never ceased pounding despite knowing Laika was alright. She wouldn’t believe it until Laika was back in her arms again.

Bolting out the uber with a quick, “Gracias!” [y/n] ran inside of the vet clinic, running to the counter, panting. Unable to breathe or catch her breath. She opened her wallet and gave the man working the front desk her ID. “Shepard Lab mix. Es mio. Is mine.” She correct herself. “Old information. New number. Was going to update it pero ella se (but she had) disappeared. Por favor.” She begged the man. “Quiero mi perra. (I want my dog) Owner nombre es igual entonces no problema right??” Her English was failing her. What if she came this far only to have her dog denied to her because they didn’t believe her. “Ella tiene,” she pauses at the confused look on the mans face. “She has a escar,” her Spanish accent becoming thicker when speaking English, “on paw left. Very small. Please.” Tears swam in her eyes and the man told her to take a seat.

Despite the dull ache in her legs and feet, she couldn’t sit. She couldn’t relax. She paced the waiting area, her heart pounded, lungs burning, doubt clouding her mind and she could swear that she felt people staring at her. But that was expected, she was pacing around like a mad man.

Hearing nails tap along the tile floor, [y/n]’s head whipped upwards. “Laika!” She managed to shout.

The dog ripped herself free from the vet’s grip on her new leash and bolted to her owner, to her overprotective mama. Laika pounced on [y/n] sending her to the ground and [y/n] didn’t mind one bit. Her grip tightened around her dog, tears rolling down her cheeks and onto the dog’s fur. Laika lick vigorously at the woman’s cheeks and face, tail wagging.

“Porque te fuiste?! Babosa de mierda! Me asustaste tanto. No tienes idea como me preocupa por te. Podría matarte ahora mismo por eso. Nunca vuelvas a hacer eso de nuevo! Me entiendes?!” (Why did you leave? Stupid shit! You scared me so much. You have no idea how much I worried for you. I could kill you right now. Never do that again! You understand?!) [y/n] mumbled into her dog’s neck, stroking the fur along her spine. After a few minutes, [y/n] pulled herself together and stood, not bothering to wipe away the dog fur on her clothing, grabbing Laika’s leash with white knuckles. Looking up she found herself looking into probably the kindest dark eyes she’s ever seen. Cue nerves.

“I’m glad you have found your dog.” A smile graced his lips, making his already thin lips thinner. She blinked for a moment, stunned that he was standing before her. She was at a lost for words. She parted her lips, realized she was going to speak Spanish and corrected herself.

“Thank you. Thank you very much. I owe you everything. She means the world to me. You didn’t have to help her and you did. You even got her checked up on. I can’t thank you enough Mr. Holland. I really can’t.”

“Tom.”

“Pardon?” “You can call me Tom, darlin’.”

A smile passes over her lips, “Thank you Tom.” With her free hand she pulled out her wallet and gave him all the cash she had on her. “This is to pay you back for everything you’ve spend money on. If this isn’t enough, I can write you a check.” Her  hand extended  towards him, urging him to take the money. Instead of him taking the money, his wrapped his fingers around her hand, closing it into a fist.

“I can’t take that. It was my pleasure really.”

“As much as I appreciate that. I can no...cannot accept that. There has to be something I can do. I can teach you Spanish? That way you can defend yourself in Spanish. Know more than tu puta madre.” Her eyes widen and she promptly wanted to kick herself in the mouth. Tom, on the other hand, laughed rubbing the back of his neck. Laika seemed to sense something for she nudged his hand with her hand and he began to pet her without skipping a beat.

“I know a bit more. That’s just my favorite word.”

“Words. It’s a phrase.”

“Is it?” “Si, and it’s a very dirty one. Like fighting insulting one. Not a sexy one.”

“Well, I’d love for you to teach me some Espanol.  But I reckon I’d need your numbero for that. So you can add it to my phono?”

“Telephono.” She corrected him, smiling. Her nervous slowly disappearing the longer they spoke.  She typed her name into his phone along with her number. “[y/n].” She says. “Mi nombre es [y/n] y es mucho gusto a concer te. Nunca crea que yo te iba a conocer, pero paso. Y me encantra a pasar tiempo con usted.” (My name is [y/n] and it is a pleasure to meet you. I never thought that I would meet you, but it happened. And I would love to spend time with you.)

“Well, looks like I’ll need a lesson soon. I understood just about nothing, save for your name. Which is absolutely beautiful. How about a lesson this weekend?”

“Es una cita.” (It’s a date.)

“Cita?” “It’s a deal.” She smiles to herself, grateful that she could cover up that little slip up due to his lack of knowledge.

“I’ll be seeing you around. Behave yourself and be good to your mum.” Tom instructs Laika and he gives her one last scratch behind the ears. “I’ll be seeing you this weekend.” He smiles at [y/n], lifting his hand as he walks away. She waves the fistful of her cash and watches him leave. Putting the money away you hear your phone go off, this time a text tone.

I’m free this saturday around 7pm. Does that sound like a sita to you?

A laugh falls past her lips and she looks at Laika. “He actually thinks cita means deal. I really saved my ass there”

*Cita. And that Works for me. We’ll figure out what you know. Food will be provided. It’s the Spanish way.

***

“You’re grinning like an idiot mate. You got her number?” Harrison questions as Tom buckles in his seatbelt and types away on his phone. The smile only grew at her response.

“Did one better and got a cita with her.”

“Cita?” Harrison questions, eyebrow arched with confusion. Tom feels a smirk pass over his lips and didn’t bother to hide it. “A date. That’s what cita means. You gotta keep up mate.”

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or as little detail as you’d like, then tag some friends to see what they’re working on.

This can be writing, art, vids, gifsets, fanwork, or original work!

I was tagged by @veliseraptor--thanks!

fanfic

this is reminding me that I really need to get around to updating my existing WIP page, because it’s way too long and detailed and also it’s not really accurate, largely because it’s too long and detailed so it’s cumbersome as hell. so that’s...yet another thing I should be doing that I haven’t done. fics I’m actually actively working on, though, or should be, or really for real keep meaning to do:

final chapter of the kindness of strangers, which is probably 3/4 written and has been for a very long time but I need to edit and finish it, and figure out what I want to do with Yondu, because I had him show up in this chapter mostly because I really disliked him and then GotG2 came along and made me like him, sigh

edit and start posting the rest of going down to nowhere, because I wrote the first chapter for MCU AU Fest this summer and then actually finished the fic in November for Marvel Big Bang but it was basically an exercise in my brain constantly screaming, and I just. haven’t gotten back to it. @portraitoftheoddity assured me that it doesn’t actually suck but I know it needs quite a bit of work and I just keep...not getting around to doing that

this

a little post-Ragnarok whump, which I honestly did start before reading Aftereffects although you’d be forgiven for thinking otherwise given that the inciting incident is basically the same

haha so waaaaaay back in 2011 I fucked up on a Graveyard Book fic for Yuletide and didn’t finish (I posted, uh, 185 words) or properly default, leading to a super-last-minute pinch hit, and this stupid fic has basically haunted me ever since because it’s still on AO3, unfinished, so it’s also been in my WIP list for years because I keep meaning to go back and finish it. I actually wrote a little recently for the first time in years, but then I basically got stuck again for the same reason I got stuck in 2011, which is, what the fuck is a 14-year-old boy in modern England with “some money” but no home, no living relatives, almost no formal schooling, and very very few records of his existence supposed to do with himself so he doesn’t just end up indefinitely living on the streets

I only ended up posting a couple chapters of my Marvel Heroes fic and kept vaguely meaning to come back with more, and then the game was going to shut down, and then it abruptly shut down even sooner than it was supposed to, and I was sad, so I started writing at least one more chapter about that

a little Infinity War speculation

“MCU Steve is both furious and depressed about the Hydra Cap thing” part 2, now with Loki, which obviously should have been finished back when it was relevant but then it kind of turned into “Loki fucks up the alt-right and everyone connected to them” wish fulfillment, so...I still do want to finish that

a fic somewhat based on a pre-Ragnarok-release post by @theotherodinson about Thor on Sakaar as a fighter and running into an amnesiac Loki who hasn’t been seen since Svartalfheim and who was one of the Grandmaster’s favorite pets until he lost favor

crafts

more female Shepards for Etsy commissions

more unmasked Power Rangers to list on Etsy

I got a nice 12-inch Wonder Woman action figure but she didn’t come with a shield, and then I picked up a less nice Barbie Wonder Woman on clearance because she did have a shield, but it looks cheap so I want to repaint it to look more like Diana’s shield in the movie

repainting Titan Heroes Loki and giving him a cape so he looks better, which would probably be done by now except it turned out to be not as simple as I expected because the gold paint didn’t look right and now it won’t come off the plastic where I messed up

Funko black suit Loki

Funko Avengers Academy Thor

plenty of other things that stalled out at various stages for various reasons, like a 3.75-inch figure of my Sith Inquisitor, and a 3.75-inch Jotun Loki, and a Funko Jotun Loki that I actually haven’t started but should because it really wouldn’t be that complicated

cosplay for ECCC

genderbent Avengers Academy Loki, for which I think I have all the parts except some kind of staff and dark green leggings or socks, so otherwise I just need to...work on it. replace the blazer’s buttons or paint them gold, tear out the shoulder pads and then probably stitch up the shoulders a little because they’ll look weird, put fake fur on the collar

AoU Wanda, for which I think I also have all the parts except the legwarmer things but probably long black socks would work fine instead, and I also need to get together some rings and necklaces and figure out what color nail polish she wears, and cut down the boots

committing to something else or committing to just doing two cosplays for ECCC and not worrying about doing others, which...would probably be smart at this point considering there’s not much time left and I’d still need to figure out pretty much everything for anything on those lists, and considering it would all require explanation, I’m not sure it’s worth the effort. although I might still try the sorta-punk Wonder Woman thing

misc

bot posts for The Hope Jar, which means I need to figure out how to make a simple Twitter bot that just posts prewritten tweets at assigned intervals, which I have no idea how to do 

type up everything in notebook and reorganize files of writing stuff

Tagging, ummm...I have no idea who’s already done this. @portraitoftheoddity, @jaggedcliffs, @gaslightgallows, @turianosauruswrex, @theotherodinson, @daihell, @koipepper? as usual, only if you feel like doing it.