#it only took me 2 whole nights of rendering (because i made some mistakes first time and had to redo lmfao)

[procyo9]

reblog to have the big sad™ Raziel on froggy chair™ spin on your blog

[rrasado]

No Spider Lilies : I

|| Act 2 of The Snapping ||

A/N: Ara? What’s this? I never thought I’d find myself wanting to actually re-end this accidental series dksjsn but...I wasn’t satisfied and frankly I’m craving an even more sorrowful route. Who knows? After all...this all deviates from the main story line in game. As usual I shall provide any necessary trigger warnings to ensure a safe reading for you all 💙🌒💙. Pleas tell if you want to be part of a tag list for the next parts. I’ll be using my past tag list as basis but if you don’t wanna be tagged next time don’t hesitate to tell me ^ ^.

Tagging: @starshiningsirius @dittoqueeno @thatweirdomidas @bnhastakenover

__________________________________________

And when death do them part…

...would it really fulfill that cruelty?

Storm clouds formed high above, raindrop cascading down on everything on the face of the earth indiscriminately. The residents of that lamenting house deep in the Devildom never really cared for such details lest it concerned them and their doings directly. At least...that was when they didn’t know how to care, so what happened?

__________________________________________

The records...the way the aged parchment felt in the exchange student’s hand just signified the reality of the parchment’s contents. No excuse can dismiss such news, especially one of this degree… They could barely speak in the moment, a few deafeningly silent minutes passed before they peered up at the Devildom prince’s own butler.

“I...thank you Barbatos…”

Their gratitude was much more meaningful than at face value, the scale of the revelation they had just received isn’t something to be taken lightly and since it especially concerns them, well…

“I trust that you’re taking all of it in?... I can only imagine how you feel right after...certain prior events.”

They both knew what the time bonded demon was referring to, after all it was him who escorted them to their new place of residence for the rest of their stay here at the Devildom. Hah..that was already two months ago. Now that they thought of it...Barbatos have always been there for them huh? The reveal...the dorm transfer requesting...and now this. Whether it was due to his time related prowess or sheer coincidence which- they honestly dismissed after everything that has come to play- the human was grateful.

“Yeah...I think...I’m actually thankful for this”

Barbatos blinked for a good few good seconds before arching a brow at their proclamation. Thankful? Does the human not know what the contents make of them? His confusion was brought to a close when MC casually waved the parchment, it’s sounds accompanied by the night wind that whizzed past the two in front of Purgatory Hall.

“I feared the worst, humans tend to...be easily toppled by the unexpected per se...Then again you are the great exception”

“Eheh I’m honored you hold me in high regard. Because it’ll make my next proposal a bit easier”

And yet again, the butler’s confusion returned, proposal? Well after everything that has spiraled leading up to where they stand it honestly wasn’t that far fetched to him, so with an affirmative nod he gestured for them to continue.

“Hearing of it won’t hurt, what is it you wish then?”

He didn’t miss the way MC’s lips tugged upward in subtle relief. The human’s gaze quickly flickered back to the contents of the parchment and without looking up they spoke.

“Can I count on you if I need to make a wretched departure?”

De...parture? He had a hunch but he needs more context…

“In what sense does this departure fall on for you to need my assistance?”

“Hm...a departure that looks grimmer to those you choose to be grim to.”

The two turned their heads to thewhite haired sorcerer. An ever knowing smirk on his expression as he stood there arms crossed. How long has he been eavesdropping? Not that MC minded...after all they’ve grown to actually trust the shady sorcerer along with the other two angelic residents of Purgatory Hall.

“Truth be told, I've been conducting research of my own… and to a pleasant surprise it seems my lead was not entirely off!”

Childish tone aside, his gaze showed no sign of jest nor kid. In one flick of his finger the old parchment apparated within Solomon’s grasp. And if possible the smug aura on his features grew twofold along with an amused chuckled escaping his parted lips. My oh my did he always manage to come so close yet far..

“Would you believe me if I said I was prepared to act on my pact in the making of this negotiation?”

“Fufufu I do believe that we’re still in the phase of hearing this proposal... I have yet to bestow a verdict so you shouldn’t speak so mightily Solomon.”

“And if I may continue..”

..

…

…..

“...I see…”

The sheer collateral damage at stake is something of its own degree when not tended to with precise caution. He's only delivered the news tonight and yet it was as if they’ve been concucting such a proposition for a considerable amount of time. Then again...the sorcerer did mention doing his own antics regarding the subject.

“With all that said...Barbatos, will you lend us a hand or a place at blade point?”

His shoulders rose and fell with the seconds that passed before he gave a slow curt nod at the two humans.

“Hm… if it means something, the young Lord did vow behind closed doors that he shall keep all the exchange students safe no matter what it may cost...and seeing as it will technically align with my duties..”

A chorus of amused laughter spilled from the magicless human, lips curled into a grin whilst the sorcerer could only let out a chuckle or two.

“Barbatos, I thank you. I know you won’t state it as is but, your help is very much appreciated”

“It really is, and it puts me at ease knowing I have you on our side in this whole issue…”

“If I may...I’d like to evaluate this more into much prefaced details. Would it be alright if we were to properly prepare this? After all...this especially concerns you, MC”

Said human gave an affirmative nod as their hands clasped behind their back, fiddling with their own exposed fingers as the late night breeze passed the three of them yet again.

“It’s best we all retire...who knows what’ll happen if we idle out here any longer, an interesting sight to see this particular roster of residents out of premises at this hour noh?”

“Point taken...well we’ll see you next time Barb”

“Yes...I bid you two a good evening and a hopefully peaceful night.”

A wish so innocent yet truthfully hard to attain...especially with the cruel revelation that brought the three of them together in the first place. They should learn to tread carefully from here on out. At least...that’s what Solomon thought. That same night breeze had passed the gardens, among which were multiple blossoms yet to bloom, all but one crimson lily...

__________________________________________

And from a starry night it all flickers to that unforgiving herd of rain clouds, their own right of sorrow spiraling along with those that received their cold moist. If followed...those raindrops fall onto someone crouched form, in front of a chipped tombstone amidst any ordinary cemetery that lays barren with the weather.

A lone umbrella covered the crouched form, rendering any other incoming rain from soaking the tuft of white hair any further. Mammon didn’t need to look up and see who it was offering cover. Levi didn’t care whether he himself got wet and frankly not even the rain water on his skin put him at any ease whatsoever. No one could be comforted at this point… And whatever it was to put the usually bickering brothers in such hushed silence…

“We gotta get going y’know…”

“...five more mins…”

“Lucifer is getting restless the more you push your luck-“

“Then let him dammit”

Levi didn’t even bother questioning his brother's lack of fear for the first born. Normally he would’ve made fun of it but… when his orange hued gaze fell on to what was even engraved on the chipped tombstone. It didn’t sit right with him, heck it didn’t sit right with any of them. And who could blame them...the guilt crawling on their backs never left when they saw them leave the House of Lamentation. At some point they thought of...eventually getting closure, some of them even had plans.

But now they won’t be able to attain such desirable closure, not when...they aren’t there to listen to their pathetic pleas.

A good few distance away from them was the Avatar of Wrath, observing all of his brothers from the side as he always had. His eyes flickered to each of their situations, emerald orbs not letting a single twitch of an eye nor brow going unnoticed. If allowed to be honest, he found them all utterly pathetic… and he’s already filtered out most dark thoughts that have plagued his mind. Besides, they deserved this, this torment didn’t compare to what those on the opposite end of their mistakes felt. He had every right to speak of so. Thankful for the cover the rain provided he took a sharp step to the side, turning his whole body to the other direction that had garnered a scoff of attention from the the laxer twin.

“..where are you going?”

Hearing Belphie’s question had Satan stop monetarily in his tracks, and without looking back at him he muttered a quick ‘somewhere’ before resuming his strides towards the direction of the cemetery gates.

Belphegor watched the blonde's figure go farther from where he stood, turning his attention back to his twin with a numb look on his features.

“It’s odd…”

A brow was raised at the sudden statement, but at the same time he completely understood what the glutton meant.

Their eyes setting sight on the tombstone mammon and Levi were idling in front of… ‘ A beloved friend and family’ written on the very same tombstone. MC’s full name carved elegantly on its face that used to seem so unreal when they first arrived but, the longer the twins looked the more it actually sank into them.

The human is dead.

Lilith’s descendant is dead.

Beel couldn’t even manage to stomach his food, he knew there was something off when he felt a sudden snuff of energy in the atmosphere that day. Not only him but all of them did...and to think it was actually this.

The guilt kept stacking.

But hidden in their walls of guilt the fourth brother allowed himself to be led towards the cemetery gates, left to his own grim thoughts he couldn’t help but to wonder if..all this will be for the better or for the worse… and in a fraction of a second he was snapped out of his thoughts. The flicker of a shadow barely registering in his peripheral vision..

.hah...

...He wished them all goodluck

__________________________________________

Me, a few months ago:

I’m a clown I know-

As always y’all know the drill, just say if any of you wanna be tagged in the next part ^ ^.

[sgtjbbhasmyheart]

Drunk Texting Is(n’t) Bad for Your Health- Chapter Six (part 1)

Series Summary: Talk about your unconventional meet-cute! Bucky receives a text by mistake requesting he prove he's not Reader's sister. The easy dialogue between Reader and Bucky sparks a natural friendship, but could it lead to more? Bucky still deems himself unworthy of any form of affection or love. Reader is hellbent to prove him wrong. With the help of some (meddling) friends along the way, Bucky may get his happily-ever-after after all.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 3293

Warnings: ANGST, bad language words

A/N: Tumblr sucks. It forced me to split this chapter up because I exceeded the text block limit. That’s just how I write! Link to part 2 at the end.

A/N 2: Thank you again to everyone for showing this story so much love! And thank you to everyone for your patience and support as I struggled to put this out. As you can tell from the multiple parts, it was a doozy. 🥰 divider credit- @firefly-graphics​

In case you missed the update, I will be publishing a new chapter every other Saturday from here on out. Schedule is in the Masterlist in my header.

DO NOT copy or replicate without my permission.

Monday morning rolled around, and your good mood from the weekend followed you into the office. Spending all of Saturday and the majority of Sunday texting James had lent to this early morning cheerfulness. You couldn’t help the smile on your face. You had even managed to arrive before most of your team.  

You hummed a sweet melody as you booted up your computer and organized a few files for Timmons to peruse. They were statements intended for the press needing his approval about a particular prominent CEO or A-list celebrity client. The firm was not confirming nor denying any knowledge of said client’s whereabouts the previous week or why there was photographic evidence of them coming out of FlashDancers NYC. Other files included those seeking rebranding approval for existing companies looking to revamp their image.

Most importantly, today was contract signing day for Stark Industries. 

You had compiled the document from a generic template the company used for all its clients, manually plugging in Stark Industries’ information in the correct spots and changing or omitting any services rendered or not. E-signing contracts were not only environmentally responsible, but they also saved a lot of your time from printing out numerous copies of a single agreement.

All you needed now was Timmons’ go-ahead to email the contract, and Pepper Potts could plug in her Jane Hancock.

Seeing Timmons enter the workroom, tweed coat draped over his forearm and attaché in hand, you rose from the seat behind your desk. You shuffled into his office after him.

He hung his jacket from the coat rack in the corner near a bank of expansive windows and placed the small, leather case he’d been carrying on the sturdy oak desk. He pulled out a stack of papers and tapped the pile against the desktop to straighten them before setting them down. Looking up at you briefly, he tugged out his laptop next.

You positioned a mug of coffee on Timmons’ desk, turning the handle just so, making it easier for him to grab. You cleared your throat gently. He glanced up at you again.

“Here’s the media statements for today,” you said, handing him a group of manila folders. You smoothed down the hem of your cardigan, smiling at the reminder of Bucky. You wished there had been a way to apologize to him again. He had left your apartment with such a pained look on his face. Maybe you could ask Peter. “And the Stark contract pdf is ready to go. I can email it over to you for final approval.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Timmons replied absent-mindedly, lifting the organized piles on the desk as if looking for something.

“Oh, okay,” you returned, nodding your head diminutively. “Do you want me to forward the contract on to Ms. Potts, then?”

“Ah-ha!” Timmons exclaimed, plucking a pen from underneath a stack of envelopes. He twirled the writing implement in his hand and peered at you, finally taking in your presence for the first time that morning.

An uncomfortable feeling washed over you as he evaluated you from head to toe. What was he looking at? Your hands tensed into fists as you continued to wait for his answer, growing impatient.

“Should I go ahead and do that, then, sir?” you asked, folding your arms across your chest like a protective suit of armor to deflect prying eyes.

“Yes, yes. That should be acceptable,” Timmons answered.

It threw you off balance. What had gotten into him? Timmons always had to have the final say on everything. It was so unlike him!

“Just so we’re clear- I will be sending the Stark Industries contract via email to Pepper Potts to e-sign,” you said, seeking clarification. You wanted to dot all i’s and cross all t’s because you weren’t going to lay your ass on the line for a misunderstanding. Especially not with something as crucial as the Stark Industries account.

“What? No, there’s been a change of plans,” he corrected.

You stared at him dumbfounded. Was he purposely trying to give you mental whiplash?

“Change of plans,” you affirmed. “Has Stark Industries decided not to use the firm, sir?”

“Oh, no. They’re still going with us,” Timmons said, rearranging the clutter he’d made on his desk.

You dropped your arms to your sides, although inside, you felt like throwing them into the air in frustration. Why was he so vague? He was usually wholly transparent with you. “Would you mind explaining it to me, please?” you asked, borderline annoyed. “Last time I checked, Stark Industries’ contract signing was still on the calendar for today’s agenda.”

“And it still is,” Timmons acknowledged. “It’s moved to an in-person signing.”

Your stomach plunged to the floor. Shit! You hadn’t printed out the contract! When was the appointment? How much time did you have? So many questions flew through your head.

How could Timmons keep something like this from you? Your heart hammered in your chest. You practically wobbled on your feet. Were you going to be sick?

I’m going to get fucking fired over this, you thought, trying to steady your breathing.

“Will you be ready to go in twenty minutes?” Timmons questioned, sitting down in the comfy desk chair and opening his laptop.

“Go?” you squeaked, attempting to recall how much you had in savings. You shook your head, trying to understand his words. Was he already asking you to clear out your desk?

“Yes. The car will be here at nine,” he said, keyboard clacking as he typed something.

“Car?” you asked, finding great difficulty comprehending the situation. Your head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

Timmons regarded you in bafflement. “Have you been drinking?”

“What? NO!” you declared. You didn’t need that added to “the inability to perform required tasks” as a reason for your firing.  “I’m-I’m just really confused, sir.”

“About what?” Timmons asked, sitting back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap.

“Well…” you started. “What do we need a car for?”

His chocolate brown eyes shone with what you imagined might be excitement. “To drive upstate, of course.” He smirked as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on the desktop.

Upstate? What was upstate?

Timmons’ smile broadened as realization crept across your face. “Are we-”

“Yup!” he interrupted gleefully. He was like a child in a candy store. “We are headed to the Avengers Compound with a personal invitation from Tony Stark himself!”

You blinked several times at your boss, not entirely computing what he’d said. You were usually a lot quicker on the uptake than this. Why were you having such an off-day? 

“We?” you asked, shaking your head clear of the cobwebs. Why on Earth would he bring you along?

“I need someone who knows the ins and outs of these contract signings,” he said, fiddling with his pen again.

Wasn’t that his job?

“I’m just the schmoozer- the people-person,” he admitted, shrugging. “You’re the real brains behind this whole operation.

You nodded your head in agreement. He wasn’t wrong. The office would collectively collapse without you, and it felt good to hear your actual boss say it out loud.

“You better not forget it, either. Especially when my job performance evaluation comes around,” you asserted.

Timmons swiftly saluted you as if he was the subordinate. You huffed a laugh at him while shaking your head with incredulity. You took a step or two toward the office door before looking over your shoulder at him.

Timmons had turned back to his laptop screen already and started typing again. “So, twenty minutes?” he asked with an air of levity.

You faltered, nearly tripping over your feet. “Wait? You were serious about that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Timmons wondered, looking up hurriedly from his laptop.

“I need to print out the contract and make copies, for one thing,” you mentioned, almost accusatory. Maybe if he had warned you ahead of time, you wouldn’t be so defensive.

“Already taken care of,” he soothed.

“What do you mean it’s ‘already taken care of’?” you asked, raising your hands to make quotation marks with your fingers.

“I had one of the other grunts do it last night.”

You gaped at Timmons like a goldfish, mouth popping open and closed. Did you hear him correctly? Timmons did something to make your job easier? You could hug him right now! You felt like pinching yourself to make sure it wasn’t a dream.

Once you gathered your wits again, you glanced to your feet bashfully. “Oh,” you spoke, absently fingering the bottom button of your cardigan. “Thank you.” You smiled gratefully.

Timmons returned the smile with one of his own. “You’re welcome.”

“Nine o’clock, then,” you agreed, moving further toward the doorway.

“On the dot!”

Words couldn’t even begin to describe the Avengers Compound. You’d seen it on the news, sure, but that didn’t compare to seeing it in real life. It was grandiose, imposing. You felt dwarfed in size looking up to the high rooftop. 

It was almost ostentatious in a way. Much like the man who designed it. Larger than life.

Tony Stark.

Tony had insisted he take you and Timmons around on the tour of the compound. You still hadn’t seen the need for a tour.

“When Tony Stark invites you to tour the Avengers compound, you don’t say no,” Timmons had said in the car-ride up when you questioned why it was necessary.

It was all superfluous, really. Like Tony was trying to woo the firm to sign them, not the other way around.

A headache was forming at the base of your skull as you waited in line at the reception desk to return your visitor security badge.

The tour of the facility seemed to have been drug out longer than it needed. Tony had appeared overeager to show off every little gadget or trinket. Or maybe he just liked to hear himself talk.

When Timmons excepted the lunch invitation after the tour was completed, you felt the urge to run down to the armory, grab a gun, and shoot yourself in the foot. You were kicking yourself for ever agreeing to come on this dumb tour.

As the line slowly dragged forward, the muffled noise of men’s voices caught your ear. It sounded like an argument. Your line of sight followed to where the altercation originated.

Standing twenty feet away was Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, clearly disagreeing.

Your breath stilled as you watched the two super soldiers quarrel in a near-stage-whisper. What could they be fighting about?

From your place in line, you saw Bucky shake his head adamantly, his chestnut hair swishing about his shoulders. He might have even stamped his foot like a child, but you were too preoccupied with the look of abject horror on his face. He turned away as if to flee, but his friend caught him by the shoulder to stop him.

Were you causing this reaction from him?

You looked to your right to see if there was possibly someone else. All you noticed, though, was an empty space. Had you hurt Bucky’s feelings that badly? Your stomach clenched. The last thing you wanted was to be on an Avengers’ shit-list.

Glancing back to the two men, you caught Steve gesturing Bucky forward with short sweeping motions of his hands. Bucky shook his head again, stubbornly.

Even at this distance, you could feel the frustration rolling off Captain America.

Like a sucker-punch to the gut, you suddenly became very aware you were eavesdropping on Captain America and his best friend.

Your cheeks heated instantaneously, embarrassed of your staring. You shouldn’t be spying on them, you admonished. No matter how much your curiosity is piqued. 

It was none of your business.

You turned away from them, facing the reception desk again.

As hard as you tried not to pay attention, you could still see what looked like wild gesturing from the corner of your eye.

What if they started fighting? Shouldn’t you be conscious of your surroundings for your own safety? You fidgeted in your spot as you debated your moral compass.

Fuck it, you thought.

As you peered over to the two super soldiers, Steve shoved Bucky forward gently, causing the latter to trip over his booted feet. Bucky glared back at his friend, his hands clenching into fists. Steve shooed him further. You could barely make out the word “Go!” on his lips.

As if in slow motion, you eyed Bucky taking step after step toward you. Was he coming over here?

Once you realized what was happening, your heart plummeted to your knees as your head whipped around to the front of the line.

Bucky Barnes was definitely walking over to you. 

Had he noticed you staring?

You tried to stabilize your heart rate with slow, easy breaths, but Bucky was beside you much sooner than you could imagine.

A waft of aftershave hit your nose- woodsy and deliciously masculine. Your stomach swooped.

God, he smelled good.

Without having to turn your head, you could feel his brawny mass hovering near you.

How do you play this?

Perplexed? 

“Oh, my gosh! I had no idea you’d be here!” Of course, he wouldn’t believe that. This is where the Avengers lived. He’d probably think you were a stalker.

Apologetic?

“I’m so sorry Peter and I made fun of you! Will you ever forgive me?” Nah, too needy or clingy.

Or--

Before you could think of any other ways to portray the situation, you heard a large gush of air escape from Bucky. Was he nervous?

“Hey-hey, (Y/N),” he said, voice shaky.

You gazed to your left. Bucky looked as white as a ghost. Had his ego taken that big of a hit?

At that moment, you wanted to do nothing more than wrap him in your arms and tell him sorry, and everything would be okay. You couldn’t, of course. You didn’t know the guy. So you settled for the next best thing.

You smiled at him beatifically. “Hello, Mr. Barnes.”

Like a veil had been pulled, his demeanor changed instantly. He returned the smile. “Ja-” he started but scrunched his nose as if he’d made a mistake. “Please. Call me Bucky.”

“Okay, Bucky,” you replied.

Timmons turned around, ahead of you in line, and eyeballed you. You gave him a dismissive look, praying he wouldn’t butt in.

“So, you here visiting?” Bucky asked, observing the badge in your hand.

“Sorta. It’s a work thing,” you remarked, waving the plastic fob in the air. “Stark Industries has hired my firm as their PR representative. It was signing day.”

“Ah,” Bucky said, nodding in understanding.

“And I got the tour and lunch courtesy of Tony Stark,” you added.

“Oh, yeah?” Bucky’s eyebrows raised in interest. “What did you think?”

“Honestly?” You watched Bucky shake his head in agreement. “It was extremely overwhelming. How do you not get lost in this place?”

Bucky laughed. Crinkles appeared in the corners of his eyes, yet he looked so boyish. He was beautiful.

“When I first got here, I did several times,” he huffed. “Every hallway looks exactly the same!”

“Right?!” you exclaimed. “I kept thanking my lucky stars that I had a tour guide!” 

Timmons rolled his eyes and pivoted, facing front.

“Steve had to draw me a map to help me find my living quarters after the third time,” Bucky confessed, running a hand through his hair.

“Oh, no!” you empathized, bringing a hand up to cover your mouth. “That must have been so embarrassing!”

“Bird brain caught wind of it and gave me shit for weeks,” he lamented.

You gave him a confused look, not understanding who or what he was referring to.

Realizing his mistake, Bucky corrected, “Sorry. Bird brain is Sam.”

“Because he’s Falcon?”

Bucky bobbed his head yes, looking a little sheepish.

“It’s clever,” you grinned. “I like it.”

Bucky reciprocated the smile, and your chest warmed. It was a feeling you usually felt while texting James. Light and airy.

Finally making it to the reception desk, you relinquished your security badge to the pretty blonde in the too-tight sweater set. She handed you a clipboard to initial and fill out your departure time.

While signing, you surveyed the blonde as Bucky stepped closer. Her eyelashes fluttered rapidly, and she bit down on her bottom lip. Was she giving him bedroom eyes?

A new kind of warmth flooded your body. It felt a lot like jealousy as it snaked its way up to your ribs and circled your collarbones, which was absurd because you had no claim to this man. You’d met him one other time. Why would you feel this way?

Shoving the clipboard back at the receptionist, you spun toward Bucky. He regarded her politely and nodded, “Ma’am.”

Her shoulders slumped, and a frown slithered onto her painted lips. Somehow you felt triumphant, but not sure why. Bucky hadn’t picked you over her.

Your heart thumped harder in your chest as you walked side by side with Bucky, nearing the exit. You were suddenly overcome with the feeling of apologizing. What had you told James if you ever saw Bucky again? Apologize profusely and ask him to coffee.

You smiled at Bucky once again as he rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. The sound of a throat clearing resonated nearby. It wasn’t until you glanced up did you register Timmons standing so close. You had nearly forgotten about him.

Trying to gather your courage, you glimpsed between the two men. Bucky was squinting suspiciously at Timmons, and it made you chuckle lightly. “Easy tiger,” you assured. “That’s my boss, Roger Timmons.”

Bucky’s blue eyes widened a fraction, and he raised a hand in hello. “Sir.”

Timmons raised his chin in acknowledgment before looking down at his watch. You took it as his way of telling you to hurry up.

Okay, it’s now or never.

“Would you like to go to coffee with me?” Bucky blurted out, cheeks coloring pink.

Your eyes roamed across his handsome face. The boyishness was back, along with a touch of uncertainty. He was sweet, regardless of what the media claimed about him. Your lips curled up into a broad smile. “You read my mind,” you revealed, then winced. “That’s not one of your superpowers, is it?”

Bucky tittered. “No, no mind-reading.”

“Good,” you said, relieved.

“Whaddya say? Coffee?”

You dipped your head in a slow yes. “It’ll have to be after work, though.” You motioned over your shoulder with your thumb. “The slave driver over there is taking me back to the office to put me to work.”

Giggling, as you heard a scoff come from behind where you were standing, you reached into your purse and pulled out a pen and an old receipt. You quickly jotted down your work address. Handing it to Bucky, you began moving towards Timmons. “I get off at five,” you called. “I’ll meet you in the lobby.” You waved goodbye.

Bucky smirked. “Don’t work too hard!”

You flashed him one last smile before disappearing through the exit door.

You had a coffee date with Bucky Barnes!

You couldn’t believe it! The giddiness swelled inside you.

You gazed at Timmons’ profile as you walked to the waiting car parked at the curb. He had that look on his face.

It was a long drive back to the city. There was no way you could endure it if he started up now.

You gave a stern look before you stated, “Whatever you’re thinking, keep it to yourself.”

Timmons threw his hands up in mock surrender. “I wasn’t thinking anything.”

“Uh-huh,” you said dubiously. Timmons smiled smugly as you both climbed into the town car.

Chapter Five | Chapter 6 (part 2)

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[floralseokjin]

— crystallised 07 (m)

crystallised /ˈkrɪst(ə)lʌɪz/ (verb) make or become definite and clear

Six weeks, that’s all it takes to forget about the threesome you shared with your boyfriend, Yoongi, and your past…fuck buddy, Seokjin. After all, it’s no big deal. Yoongi and you are doing better than ever, there’s no reason to regret such a night shared. That is until you hear some gossip in the library one day, and then slowly, little by little, everything starts to fall apart… Can you begin to make sense out of all this confusion, or is it too late?

pairing; kim seokjin x reader  genre/warnings; smut; oral, fluff for like the first scene.. and then the drama and the angst kicks in 😬 oc really doesn’t have a good track record with parties bless her 🤧 words; 8,724

sequel to;  memoirs of a mistake + losytmyhead

chapters; 01 ⤑ 02 ⤑ 03 ⤑ 04 ⤑ 05 ⤑ 06 ⤑ 07⤑ 08 ✓

“What are you doing?” Seokjin chuckled, chin jutting into his chest, trying to save himself as your lips puckered against his neck, tickling him. You hummed into the skin before biting it playfully. “You’re going to miss what’s happening.”

You lifted your head, mouth now seeking his. “Don’t care,” you said against it. 

“You don’t care?” He repeated, amused. He shut up for minute when your tongue swiped his bottom lip, kissing you back before quickly pulling away. “You’re the one who suggested we put it on.” 

“Fine.” You rested your head on his shoulder, attention now back on the laptop sat between your bodies on the bed. You hadn’t given up entirely though. The movie had been an excuse. Not that you needed one to hang out with Seokjin. He was your boyfriend now after all. The word still made you giddy. Even a week later.

But back to the “excuse.” It was an excuse to get him on your bed. Excuse to touch him and kiss him and everything else you were burning to do. You hadn’t seen him much all week, and if truth be told you were still tingling from the night shared at his. It was the first time you’d gotten intimate like that since you’d gotten together, and while it was amazing, you wouldn’t mind doing it with you clothes off this time. 

It wasn’t long before your hand was rooming his body. Across his chest, down his stomach, lifting under the fabric of his sweatshirt to graze the fine hair that trailed down to his crotch. He yielded first, hands reaching for your face, angling you to kiss him. With a little mischievous smirk you slid your hand further, over the front of his shorts, cupping his dick. You massaged him, feeling him begin to grow hard against your palm. As he groaned against your lips your excitement grew. 

He murmured your name, sounding a little dazed. “What’s with you tonight?” 

“What do you think?” The rhetorical wasn’t enough. You wanted to spell it out to him. Bravely. “I’m horny.” 

You think it did the job, your words having the desired effect. He was on your mouth before you could take another breath. Laptop lying forgotten, as good as squashed when he rolled on top of you, movie playing to itself. His hands groped your body almost eagerly, like he’d been waiting for this a long time and that just got your heartbeat racing, body burning. 

So it was like he’d thrown a cup of iced water over you when he pulled away abruptly. 

“Let’s stop now,” he murmured, kissing the top of your nose. 

You laughed, believing he was just teasing you, only the way he began to lift from your body told you he wasn’t. “Serious?” You asked, smile falling from your face. He’d just been making out with you furiously not five seconds ago, dick as hard as ever, and now he wanted to stop? 

He eyed you, sensing the edge in your tone and tried to sound casual. “It’s getting late. We won’t be able to finish the movie.” 

Frustration filled you, followed by some unexplainable embarrassment. So you’d basically made a fool of yourself just now, not realising you were going to get rejected like that… Because that’s what it was… Rejection. “That’s what you care about?” You asked, pushing at his shoulder to wriggle out from under him. He slowly sat up, finally pausing the movie. You guessed he really didn’t want to miss it…

“I don’t understand what’s going on. Don’t you want me?” Shit. You cursed inwardly, the question leaving you before you could stop it. Way to sound desperate. 

“Of course I do,” he protested. “I just…” 

His hesitation was enough to hurt your feelings even more, embarrassment now prickling your skin. You rolled onto you side, saving face. “Whatever, finish your stupid movie.” 

You felt like an idiot. Rejection was never fun, but neither was conflict. You hated feeling annoyed at Seokjin – mad even. 1. Because it felt just plain wrong. Especially after all the recent happiness, and 2. It was plain childish this issue was over sex. It was stupid how something like that could turn you into an insecure fool, but you just wanted him. Wanted to show him how much he meant to you. Was that such a bad thing? 

“No,” Seokjin insisted, and you felt him move closer, holding onto your arm. He shook it lightly. “I do want you.” Despite your slight humiliation, it began to disappear when his face found its way into the crook of his neck, mouth kissing away furiously.  He felt your body ease up and kissed your earlobe once, before trailing across your cheek. Try as he might though, he couldn’t reach your mouth. 

“Please kiss me back,” he whined, hugging into your body. You couldn’t help your giggle. 

That did it. His hands beginning to tickle you as his mouth found the side of your neck again. You shrieked. “Stop!” You tried to squirm away, but he latched onto you, laughing. “Okay, okay,” you gave in, able to get on your back. You reached for the back of his head to pull him forward, but his mouth was already on yours before you got halfway. 

He rolled on top of you, rocking his body into yours in a much less eager rhythm than before. He was sure to be gentle, sure to be sweet, and your skin began to flush once again in excitement. He was warm and having his body on top of yours made you feel safe. This time you were sure he wasn’t going to pull away, and you were correct. He deepened the kiss, hands cradling your face like he was determined to put your mind at ease, and it was you who had to pull away in the end. Jaw beginning to ache, a little out of breath. 

“I do want you,” he repeated softly. He hesitated for a second before deciding to continue. “I’m just kinda nervous.” 

You held onto him, feeling slightly guilty for your melodramatics just a moment ago. The thought of him being nervous had never really crossed your mind, because, well, he was Seokjin. Seokjin never got nervous about stuff like that. No matter what, sex was the one thing he seemed to be genuinely confident in. “Why?” You whispered. “It’s just me.” You’d been intimate way too many times to count. What had changed? 

He gave you a coy smile, fighting through his embarrassment. “It’s been a while.” 

You giggled, reaching to kiss him. Okay, you understood. You cocked an eyebrow, knowing the best way to put him at ease would be with some light teasing. “Kim Seokjin forgetting how to pleasure women?” 

He rolled his eyes, playing too. “Well, I am human too.” 

You burst out laughing, Seokjin joining in too before the urge to kiss again got too damn much. It was with intent this time, each stroke of his tongue turning you to putty, his hands running down your body. You pushed into him, your legs tangling with his, before he used one hand to grip your ass, lifting you to hold you to his crotch. He let it grind with his, controlling the movement with small circles. You couldn’t help but moan out a little. The sensation of his hardness rubbing against you reminding you of a few nights ago when you’d humped one another silly. 

He pushed you into the bed now, giving you a few more tiny grinds before he eased up and a hand slipped into your shorts, bypassing your underwear completely. Your head fell back, pressing into the pillow as you felt one of his long fingers stroke down your folds, the sweet relief rendering you immobile. You gasped when he began circling your clit, so slowly, yet so precisely it took you everything to open your mouth and speak. “Nope,” you sighed happily. “You didn’t forget anything.” 

He chuckled. “I haven’t even done anything yet.” 

With his mouth at your neck, the time for talking was finally over. You concentrated on the sensation of his lips, trailing their way to the collar of your t-shirt and back up again. You concentrated on the way his hand pleasured you, fingers dragging down your slit once again to circle your entrance. You were hyperaware of how wet you were and for some puzzling reason that embarrassed you just a smidge. Maybe because yes, he hadn’t actually done anything yet. Your excitement was just too much, anticipation itching at your whole body. You squirmed under him, desperate to just feel his fingers inside of you. You almost opened your mouth and begged, but then you felt his other hand tug at the waistband of your shorts. He wanted you naked. 

And naked he got you. From the waist down. He ogled for a moment; it was actually pretty funny. Mesmerised by a sight he hadn’t seen in the longest time, and then he was on you. Hand between your legs, grinding down, tongue in your mouth, making you breathless. You planted your feet against the mattress, which was lucky, because no sooner had you done so, he was pushing a finger inside of you. You moaned, hips jumping up. Fuck, it had been so long since you’d felt even an ounce of this kind of pleasure. Masturbation was good, but never this good. Seokjin was enjoying himself too, getting used to how you felt again and how you liked it. 

He lowered his face to yours, a smile spreading. He looked insanely happy, like sweetly happy, which was hilarious considering he was now two fingers wide inside of you, gliding them in and out of your body like he was playing a rhythm. It honestly felt so good you could cry. 

“What?” You whispered; voice uneven. You subconsciously spread your legs wider. 

“Nothing,” he said innocently but his actions were anything but. He curled his fingers inside of you, keeping deep, and you twisted in pleasure, moaning out. He liked that, moaning too. “You’re so wet.” That you were. It stuck to the inside of your thighs now and sounded around the room with each thrust of his fingers. Sticky and lewd, but hot and beautiful. So very hot. 

He watched you intently, studying your face, almost like he was too afraid to kiss you in case he missed something. There was a glint in his eyes though. Something needy. It all made sense when he spoke again. He was so close his hot breath fanned across your face. “Mm. Is there anything you really want me to do?” 

He was hinting. How cute. He was too nervous to just say outright what he wanted to do to you. Because you knew what it was. You’d guessed it straight away earlier when his eyes had been glued to your centre. Or maybe that was just your urge talking. It really had been the longest time since he’d eaten you out.  

“Mouth,” you moaned, unable to stop yourself from reaching and kissing his, tongues meshing together for a few quick seconds before you pulled away. “Want your mouth.” 

From the moment you felt his tongue between your legs you were done for. He was a little hesitant at first, looking up at your face to see if you were enjoying yourself, but your reactions encouraged him soon enough. He took his time, getting familiar with being this intimate with your body again. How you felt, how you tasted, how you liked it. 

The last part was easy though. You were so sensitive every drag of his tongue exploded your nerves. You found yourself remembering back to when he’d eaten you out the very first time. In the back of his car after a very confident and brazen proposition. You would never regret accepting. Not when this was the outcome. You and him. 

You came hard, to the warmth of Seokjin’s tongue – when he was finally done dragging it out as much as possible of course. It dazed you. Made you feel all warm and sated. Like you wanted to hold Seokjin tight and never let him go, because he knew your body so well, like you’d never been apart. Knew how to make you feel good. But more than that, you never wanted to let him go because he made you so happy. Everything about him. Maybe it was the orgasm making you sappy. So you kept quiet. Didn’t stop you from wrapping your arms around his shoulders though, when he crawled up your body, holding him tight like your heart wanted. 

“Good?” He asked, a little out of breath. 

“So good,” you nodded, giggling a little when you caught a proper look at him. His mouth and chin shining in the dim lighting. You really had been that wet, huh? You went to wipe him clean in apology. “You’re all sticky.” 

He shook you away. “Mm. I like it.” That made you laugh harder, squealing when he squashed his lips to yours. You didn’t really mind though, kissing him happily. 

Besides, there was something distracting you. Like your need to return the favour. You had started this night wanting it to end in sex, but now you really had the mightiest of urges to suck his dick. Just as good as he’d gone down on you. Sex could wait until next time. This was equally as great. 

You pulled back, running a hand though his hair. “Your turn.” He was rock solid; you could feel his erection pressing into you every now and then. You didn’t know how he had the strength to essentially be ignoring it right now. 

His eyes widened. It was actually pretty comical. “I’m okay, honest. If you don’t want to, it’s fine.”  

You dropped your head to the side, looking at him as if he was dumb. “Jin,” you cupped his face between your hands. “Of course I want to.” You kissed him. “Yeah?” 

He reached for your mouth again, humming against it. He pushed his crotch entirely into yours then, finally trying to ease the pressure. “Yeah.”

He was on his back with you straddling him in seconds. You kissed him hard, excitement rolling through your body at such a high frequency you felt like you were vibrating. The urge to just pleasure him and make him feel good was just too much. You detached your mouths and ran your hands down his chest and sides as you slipped lower, butt settling on his thighs, and then you glided a hand across his clothed dick. Poor thing was sick of being restricted, ready to explode, and it struck you, why were you still playing about when you could finally get ahold of him properly? Wrap your fist around his pretty dick and run it across the hot, thick flesh. Make Seokjin feel just as amazing as he’d made you feel. 

“I’ll cum really fast,” he told you, mildly embarrassed, his shorts now lose around his calves, cock wrapped in your hand. You could feel it tightening against your palm, squeezing in anticipation. 

“What’s new?” You teased, watching him shift and attempt to prop himself up with your cushions. 

“Hey,” he whined, before he faltered a little, jaw falling slack as you began to run your fist over him. 

It was almost exhilarating, getting to feel him like this again after so long. To feel how his body keened to you. He let out a breathy sigh when your thumb circled the tip of him, spreading the precum already formed against the sensitive skin. You bit down on your bottom lip, a need in your stomach growing. To taste him, to feel him in your mouth. You’d never wanted to suck dick so bad in your life. The power of Kim Seokjin. 

“No, really though—ahhh,” he broke off suddenly, strangled noise catching in his throat as you pounced. 

Maybe wanting to get a better view, or maybe just unable to know what to do with himself, he sat up, watching his dick disappearing into your mouth, feeling your tongue wash and curl around it. He dug his fingers into the sheets, his breathing laboured as he moaned lowly, mesmerised at the sight. 

“Shit.” He cursed when you choked a little, getting a little too overzealous, you admitted. But he seemed to enjoy it, hips bucking up, eager for the sensation again. So you repeated, jaw aching as you stretched around him, trying to get his big ass dick as far as it would go without suffocating you. 

“Fuck!” He exclaimed, thighs tensing up. You came up for air and he quickly wrapped his fist around the base of his dick, squeezing tightly, as if he was desperate not to cum yet. He gave you a coy chuckle and you reached up to kiss him, giggling too. 

“You can cum, you know. I won’t mind.” You murmured, nudging his hand out the way so yours could take its place, beginning to rock it up and down. Your weight against his chest toppled him back to the mattress and you both landed with a soundless puff. You kissed him wildly. Your lips were wet so they slid against his easily, only making you lose yourself further. 

He groaned as you picked up the pace of your fist, air squelching through the gaps, his cock slick with your saliva. You glided easily, grip tight enough to work your magic, concentrating on the head, fast but determined jerks, rendering Seokjin pretty incapable of trying to hold off coming any longer. 

He grunted against your mouth, pulling back to catch his breath, each exhale sounding more like a moan than anything else. “Don’t stop.” You grinned, mouth on his neck now. He’d given in. “Shit,” he cursed quietly. You could feel him pulling his sweatshirt up his stomach a little, preparing for the spill. That was adorable. He didn’t want to stain his clothing, and just like that you felt a fresh urge. “I’m gonna–c–”

“No, wait,” you half yelped, bouncing back, your movements stopping. He looked at you with wide eyes, pleasure on his face almost turning into betrayal. Well, you had been the one telling him to cum minutes before. You were evil. Yet you were positive he’d enjoy your idea much better than coming on his own stomach. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” you whined. “Don’t you want to cum in my mouth?” 

You forgot how easy it was to talk so candidly like this. With Seokjin you could say whatever you wanted. No matter how dirty or sordid. 

“Cum in your–? Yeah,” He nodded breathlessly. “Fuck. Yeah.” He was babbling, lost in his own pleasure bubble as you crawled back down his body, raking your fingers slowly along his length before your mouth reached him, lips wrapping around the head to suck at the sensitive skin. He trembled under you. 

You eased up, wrapping your hand around him again, jerking him tightly right under your mouth. He reacted, hips steadily rising up with each movement and you popped your mouth off him completely, now letting your tongue swirl and flick sticky patterns across the swollen tip. 

You looked up at him, not noticing he’d been staring down at you this whole time, watching your every action, eyes glassy, and you give him a smile. He groaned, expression scrunching up before his eyes fluttered closed and he let his head fall back agains the pillows, one of his hands running across his forehead. Not long now. His body was taut, chest heaving for oxygen. 

You wrapped your mouth around him again, flattening your tongue and jerked him harder, hearing him grunt, hips shooting up and stiffening. You released your grip on his cock as you waited for the first spurt of cum, only to tighten again when you tasted the second.

Squeezing him before you raked your fist up and down slowly, massaging him, dragging out his pleasure as he emptied every last drop of cum inside your mouth and down your throat as you swallowed. 

You only let him go when he softened, sensitive, even the warmth of your mouth agitating him now. He managed to lift his head up, glancing down at you in a daze and you laughed, making your way up his body. He reached for you, caressing your sides. “You okay,” he asked weakly. 

You nodded, hand stroking down his chest. “Yep.” You were more than okay. On top of the world. “Are you?” 

He cupped one of his hands over yours and chuckled. “You literally blew my brains out, but yeah, I’m great.” 

You couldn’t hide your grin, tugging at his sweatshirt so he would sit up. So you could wrap your arms around him, and hug him, and kiss him, and— Your thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash just as Seokjin obliged and sat up. You jumped a mile, instinctively gripping to him, eyes wide. “What was that?” 

He laughed loudly, amused by the scared look on your face and wrapped his arms around your middle. “Your laptop.” Oh, shit. You’d forgotten about that. Amazed it had even lasted that long on your bed with all the movement. Must’ve been hanging on for dear life, finally unable to save itself. 

You made to move and pick it up but Seokjin squeezed you to him. “No, leave it,” he whined, placing a pouty kiss on your mouth. “It’s fine,” he reassured. “Wanna hold youuu.” 

And who were you to say no to that? Although, if the screen was cracked, he was paying for it to get repaired… 

“How long do we have,” Seokjin asked as he walked back into his bedroom, towel slung around his hips, another in his hand as he rubbed it through his hair, attempting to dry it. 

“Hm. Like three hours.” It was a few days later, Hoseok’s birthday, and he was having a party later on tonight. It was supposed to be a surprise but living with Namjoon he was bound to find out one way or the other. 

You got up, shimmying your cardigan off and throwing it on the bed. “You gonna shower now?” He asked. 

“Mmhm.” You nodded, attempting to raise your tank top over your head. 

“Babe,” Seokjin protested, realising you were stripping in here. “Sandeul is in his room. You can’t just walk out there naked.” 

You paused, tugging it back down over your stomach to roll your eyes playfully. “You walked back in pretty much naked.” Besides, as if you would do that. Your towel was in here. You wouldn’t be streaking it past his room. 

“That’s different,” he said. “I’m not my girlfriend.” He let his words sink in before puzzling.  “Wait…” 

You chuckled, moving closer to him. “I get what you mean.” He dropped the towel he’d been using to dry his hair on the floor, instantly wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer. There were still water droplets against his shoulders, back too you found out as you ran your hands across it. If you thought about it, it was a wonder you hadn’t tried to jump his bones already. He was illegal in just this towel. Smelling of strawberries and still wet. You leant in closer, lips nearly touching. You were only half joking. “Can’t we just blow the party off?” 

Seokjin chuckled, squeezing you tighter to him “And break Hobi’s heart? No way.”

You grumbled, mouths finally meeting in warm sticky goodness. Kissing Seokjin was like breathing to you now. Funny because even though it seemed like a lifetime ago, you still remembered when it hadn’t always been that way. When it had taken you literal weeks to kiss at all in the original days. Unbelievable now, not when his lips fit so well against yours. 

“I can’t stop thinking about the other night,” you said quietly. You’d been glowing ever since. Boss complimenting you on your new and improved customer service skills that had magically appeared in the last few days. What could you say? Orgasms and sucking dick put you in an exceptionally good mood. 

From the way you could feel something tenting against Seokjin’s towel you guessed it excited him too. Cheekily his hands found their way to your ass, giving it a squeeze. You were growing hot fast, head fuzzy, body greedy. In the thick of it a memory popped into your mind. “Remember when we fucked in the shower that one time? You slipped and nearly died.” 

Seokjin laughed softly, hands sliding up the small of your back now. You shivered. “I nearly smashed my pretty little face in.” 

You reached to kiss him again, he returned the action, getting your hopes up. It was only  when he pulled away did you realise that he’d only been indulging you. He gave a little tap to your side. “Speaking of showers… Weren’t you about to take one?” 

He was already walking away, towards his nightstand to grab his watch. “But I–

“Maybe we should get there a little earlier.” He interrupted. You couldn’t tell if he’d done it on purpose or if you’d just spoken at the same time. But he didn’t let you carry on like he usually did anyway... “Just to hang out. Before people start arriving.” 

Uh oh. It was coming back. That feeling. The one you’d gotten a few nights ago in your bed. Rejection. Embarrassing rejection. Unexplainable. Possibly an overreaction, but you couldn’t ignore it. Not when heat prickled your skin and your stomach sank. You just felt plain stupid. You tried to remember what he’d told you. He wanted you. He really did. You knew that, but why were you so insecure lately? 

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been into it the other night. He’d really enjoyed himself, made sure you did too and afterwards he’d kissed and held you before you’d fallen asleep. Just now even, moments ago, he’d grown hard easily. He’d wanted you, yet there was still something holding him back. Something he was hesitant about. 

“I don’t get it.” 

You accidentally said it out loud. Seokjin was a little puzzled until he caught a look at your face. He steeled himself, sounding casual when he spoke next, picking up the towel he’d thrown on the floor. “We’re in the middle of getting ready.” Any other time, any other scenario and that would be fine. It was the truth after all. But your insecurities were screaming at you. You watched him sit on the bed, beginning to dry his hair again. “Besides, didn’t we agree to take it slow?”

You froze, struggling for words. “We did, but I just…” Were you foolish to think that had past now? That was when things were still new, a little uncertain. Things were serious now. He’d asked you to be his girlfriend a week ago. You clenched your teeth, deciding you wouldn’t back down. Something was up, and you wanted to know what. He was giving you conflicting messages. “There comes a point where it just feels like you’re blowing me off. I understand wanting to take it slow. I wanted that too, but now I just want to show you how much you mean to me.” 

Were you wrong to think like that? Sex definitely wasn’t the be all, end all. You’d come to realise that these past few months. Because you and Seokjin were more than that. Always had been despite not releasing, but it didn’t mean it had to become some sort of forbidden subject between the two of you. An awkward conversation. 

“I’m not blowing you off.” There was an edge to his voice, unable to hide it. That just pissed you off. It flared through your body. 

“Well then what is it?” You demanded. He shrugged, standing up to start searching for clothes in his closet. No. he wasn’t blowing this argument off too. It had already started in your eyes now. You hated conflict, but you wanted answers. “You’re doing it right now. Just say now if you don’t want me like that anymore.” 

“Of course I want you.” He exclaimed, surprising you with the volume. “I’ve already said like a hundred times. What kind of question is that? I’ve always wanted you. Long before you wanted me.” 

You gaped. “Seokjin, what the hell.” The silence that stretched between you seemed to last forever. You were hyper aware of your heart thudding in your chest, in your ears. You wanted to ask him what that meant? If he held it against you… But now no words would leave your mouth. Maybe you were too scared of the answer. 

He drew back from the closet, shaking his head a little as if clearing his mind, stepping closer to you. His voice was gentle when he spoke again. “I just want everything to be perfect the first time. It’s nothing bad. Just that.” 

You frowned. What did that mean? Candles and sensual music? That didn’t seem Seokjin’s style. Besides, there had been plenty of perfect opportunities, and why was this the first time you were hearing about it? 

“Really? Because I feel like it’s more than that.” You weren’t buying it, but the worry on his face began to unsettle you. He sat down. You joined him. “Seokjin,” you begged softly, trying to get through to him. “I just want to be with you. I miss you.” Being this open was a weird feeling for you, but you were trying to be different. To face your fears even in the midst of uncertainty. 

He dropped his head into his hands. “I’m sorry.” 

Concern twisted in your gut. Whatever was wrong was more than just sex. “Seokjin, if there’s something wrong, just tell me,” you said softly. “If you’re worried about something, I don’t know, you can talk to me.” 

He shook his head, laughing weakly at himself. “I’m just being fucking stupid.”

“About what?” 

He hesitated. “I just… I feel under pressure.”

You frowned. “Under pressure?” You didn’t get it.  

“I keep thinking.” For some reason, despite wanting answers, you had a bad feeling about this. A sick feeling. “About us… About that night. You know,” he looked up, not needing to spell it out, but doing so anyway, “with Yoongi.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You were instantly defensive, a bite to your voice. 

He tugged at his hair, frustrated. “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”

Whatever. You’d just explain for him. “It ruined things?” 

“What?” He scoffed, eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “No. It didn’t, of course it didn’t. I just—

“Oh, my god,” you couldn’t let him finish. You couldn’t even listen to him. Too scared, but also your mind was running away with you. Racing, making you dizzy. “I knew there was something wrong. Why you didn’t want to have sex with me.” 

“That’s not the issue.” He insisted. “Nothing’s ruined like that. It’s me. It’s all on me. I–I…” He trailed off, struggling.

“I don’t understand.” If anything you were even more confused now. You stood up abruptly, grabbing your cardigan. “I need to go.” 

“What?” He looked up. “But Hobi’s party?” 

“I don’t know if I can go.” You didn’t even know if you were making sense yourself. Talking but your mind still racing. “I need–I need a moment to—

“Stay,” he rushed, standing up too, reaching for your hand. “Look. We don’t have to go. We can stay here and talk.” 

“I don’t want to talk.” You shook your head. He stared at you, looking hurt, dropping your hand abruptly. You cursed at yourself. Things were coming out wrong. “Not right now anyway.” 

“So you’re just gonna run away?” Yes, you were. “You ask me what’s up, I’m trying to tell you and now you can’t handle it?” 

Maybe he was right. “I don’t–I don’t even understand what’s going on,” you admitted. You wish you’d never pressed him now. You hated arguments. Always ran away at the first signs of conflict. Why did you think that could change?

Seokjin kept silent, still looking at you, hurt in his eyes. You could stay. Let him talk, understand what he meant. But you were too scared. Scared you’d hate the reality. Scared it would hurt you. You took a step backwards. You needed some space. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow or something, okay?” 

He still didn’t say anything. Just let you pick up your bag and watched you leave. 

.

.

Not exactly surprising but being alone just made everything worse. Curled up on your sofa with nothing but your own thoughts was not fun. Why hadn’t you just stayed? Why hadn’t you just heard Seokjin out, instead of not only speaking over him, but speaking for him too. You kept thinking about what he’d said. About being under pressure and wanting things perfect. About thinking about the threesome. What did that even mean? You’d thought that was behind you. You’d already spoken about it in the beginning and made sense over it, so why did he bring it up? Did he really regret it that much? Or was that just your worry talking? Thinking about it, you’d definitely put words into his mouth. Words he was quick to deny, yet you hadn’t let him give you the actual reason. The one he was struggling with. Still struggling with because you’d just ran away. 

Something else kept fucking with you too. What he’d said when it had first started escalating. He wanted you way before you wanted him. Did he really think that? It had fallen from his mouth so easily. Yes, in some ways it was true. It had taken you a long time to realise your feelings, but you were under the impression he was okay with that. It had taken him a little while to realise too. You were both guilty of it. So why had he said that? Maybe that’s why you’d become so defensive? Hurt by such a flippant remark…

An hour later you were still thinking, wondering if Seokjin had gone to the party without you, when your cell rang. Your stomach flipped, thinking it was him, but you were only left with disappointment when you saw Lina’s name. No offence to your best friend, but she wasn’t who you wanted to talk to right now. You thought about ignoring the call, but couldn’t do it. 

She wanted to know if you were already at the party and if not could she tag along. Jimin was going with some of his friends and he thought it’d be fun if they could meet up. You told her you weren’t going and she took it you and Seokjin were just being being boring spoil sports. No, he was probably there you told her, but you weren’t. There was a pause and then a sigh. “What happened?” 

Half an hour later she was in your bathroom mirror enthusiastically getting ready with you behind her, applying your own make up with not half as much vigour. Somehow she’d convinced you to go to Hoseok’s house party and somehow she’d gotten you to explain every single detail of your argument with Seokjin. 

You finished applying your mascara with a “What if he’s having second thoughts?” 

“Nonsense,” she scoffed. “I know Seokjin really likes you. I could tell by the way he was looking at you last week.”

Your heart warmed at that, but not for too long. You were instantly left wondering where it all went wrong. Maybe it was doomed from the start, maybe you were just too pessimistic. Lina caught a look at your face in the mirror and sighed. “I know it may be unbelievable, but I’m sticking up for him here. The guy sounds worried. You should’ve stayed to talk.” 

“No shit. Thanks for the words of wisdom.” 

She rolled her eyes at your sarcasm. “Let’s just go to the party, you can find him, talk to him. Make up with some kisses!” She puckered her lips way too enthusiastically. 

You pulled a face. That sounded scary more than anything. “Don’t worry,” she told you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and half hugging you. “One argument isn’t the end of everything. You need to quit believing that. Me and Jimin would’ve broken up too many times to count if so!” 

.

.

You spotted Seokjin almost right away, beer in hand, laughing and joking around with a bunch of guys you were vaguely familiar with. For some reason, seeing him so happy and unbothered, like he didn’t have a care in the world, pissed you off. You’d been battling with yourself for the past three hours and he was here, getting drunk. 

He must’ve spotted you too along the way. He came up behind you when you were in the kitchen, scrolling through your phone like a loner because Lina had made an instant beeline for Jimin and you didn’t fancy hanging out and socialising right now. 

“You came?” He sounded surprised, but in a good way. Happy. 

Like an idiot, unable to explain your actions, you just shrugged, locking your phone to turn and acknowledge him. “Mhm.” 

He smiled, not quite catching on to your frosty attitude yet. “That’s great. I didn’t think–I thought you wanted to be alone or something.” 

“Lina persuaded me.” 

“Oh.” Okay, maybe this time he heard the disinterest in your voice. He was a little drunk, you could smell the beer on his breath. Maybe you’d been wrong. Maybe he wasn’t carefree. Just drowning his sorrows. But you’d committed now. You were stubborn. He lowered his voice, leaning in. “Wanna go somewhere and talk?”  

You shrugged again, looking off into the distance. “Not really.” 

“Okay,” he said slowly, finally getting it. “How about I leave you alone then? Because that’s obviously what you want.” Guilt clogged your throat, made it unable to apologise and start over. “I don’t understand. You’re the one who ran out on me. I should be pissed right now.” 

You didn’t reply. He was probably right. “So now you’re not talking entirely? Fine,” he fumed, about to storm off. Only he had something else to say, turning back to whisper it furiously. “Honestly what was the point in us even trying to be together? This is just plain childish.” 

And then he was gone. It took you a few minutes to process his parting words and collect yourself, looking around you to see if anyone had noticed your exchange. They probably hadn’t, but it didn’t stop you from feeling embarrassed. Or maybe that was just because of Seokjin’s words. Childish? Were you childish? That whole interaction was definitely so. God, you were an idiot. 

You should just leave, but then again you couldn’t go without Lina. She’d flip if she knew you went alone. You looked around, which was a bad idea. Just reminded you of all the times you and Jin had been here hanging out with the guys and their girlfriends. Honestly, how could things go so wrong so fast? Days ago you’d been over the moon Seokjin had asked you to be his girlfriend. Now you were close to tears in a crowded party feeling more alone than ever. 

You were making your way up the staircase and aiming for the bathroom before you realised. Maybe some quiet time would help, the music muffled the further you got. You could cool down, have a breather and think about maybe finding Seokjin to apologise for real. What had Lina said? One argument wasn’t the end of a relationship. Only… what Jin had said just now seemed a little more alarming. He was having second thoughts. And now you were spiralling. Why the hell did you have to keep going on at him? Why couldn’t you have just been happy with how things were? Why couldn’t you have been patient? Why couldn’t you have just spoken to Seokjin…?

You got to the bathroom door just to realise it was out of bounds if the sex noises were anything to go by. You hovered, now a little lost. What should you do? You were sure Namjoon or Hoseok wouldn’t mind if you took refuge in one of their rooms. By the looks of things no one was in the both of them, dark inside, doors ajar. You took the first one, pushing inside quickly and close to shutting the door when you looked towards the bed, your heart dropping out of your chest as you let out a surprised gasp. 

Yoongi’s face was lit up by the white glow of his cellphone. He was sat on the bed, back against the wall, equally as surprised as you. It was only when it sunk in, shock wearing off did your heart start beating normally again and you could talk. You had not been expecting anyone to be in here. “Shit. Sorry, Yoongi. I didn’t know you were in here.” 

“It’s fine, my fault for hiding in the dark. Fuck, you gave me a fright.” He chuckled, mildly embarrassed. He sat up straight, changing his posture. “Looking for the bathroom?” 

“It was occupied.” He caught on instantly. You moved closer into the room, forgetting to close the door and leaving it ajar. “What are you doing?” Possibly an invasive question, but the guy was sat here in the dark like some some sort of serial killer. 

“Avoiding you and Jin. I saw you arrive.” Okay. You admired his honesty. He didn’t even sound embarrassed – not that he should. “Don’t worry, it’s an ego thing. From everyone else’s perspective it looks like I got dumped for another guy. Just my luck you’d find me. My fault for coming here in the first place.” 

You were listening, honest. But your eyes were flitting around the room, a strong sense of déjà vu hitting you. The bed, the colour of the walls, even the little metal alarm clock on the side table. Oh fuck. You were so stupid. How hadn’t it dawned on you before bolting in here? This was Namjoon’s room, and that meant–

“Hey, I didn’t mean to make you feel shitty or anything.” Yoongi was still talking, moving forward to click on Namjoon’s lamp. Maybe your face was giving something away, but he was mistaken. “It’s not that serious, I’ll go downstairs soon.” 

“It’s not that,” you shook your head. 

“You okay?” 

“This bedroom…” You said weakly. You’d been so distracted it hadn’t even crossed your mind. 

He slowly nodded his head in acknowledgment. “Mm. Right. Coincidences are a bitch.” He chuckled. Maybe the same thing had happened to him. “Why did I come here again?” Tell you about it…  “Why are you trying to escape into the dark?” 

You kept silent. You didn’t think you could talk right now. Being in this bedroom with Yoongi…the argument with Seokjin… Everything was too much. You felt shaken. 

Yoongi murmured your name, sounding concerned. “What’s up? C’mon, sit.” He demanded lightly, tapping the bed. “Talk to me.” 

You should really just go. No offence to Yoongi, but talking to him was probably a bad idea anyway. He was definitely just being polite and confiding in him about something personal between you and Seokjin seemed wrong. For Seokjin’s sake and his. But maybe you just really wanted to hear his advice. Maybe you wanted Yoongi to tell you everything was going to be okay. He had always seemed like the voice of reason when you were dating. Maybe it was selfish of you, but then again, he’d asked what was wrong…

You sat down. If you ignored the dim light Yoongi had flicked on you were still in the dark. Alone and just voicing your worries out loud into nothing. “Everything’s a mess, Yoongi.” Okay, not into nothing then. You’d said his name. You definitely knew he was there. “I…” You hesitated, still cautious to say Seokjin’s name in front of him. Stupid really, but it just felt awkward. “I don’t think it can work out between me and him.” 

“What do you mean?” Whatever it was, he wasn’t expecting that. 

“I really wanted it to work out,” you whispered. You still felt a little shaky, and your voice didn’t sound your own. 

“I thought everything was going amazing?” He asked. “I saw you guys made it official.”

“It was going great, but I don’t know.” You sighed, unsure where to go from here. Unsure how to explain. “It’s also kinda awkward.” It had to be, right? If Seokjin was unable to tell you what was wrong. If you were unable to listen without getting scared and running off. You were back to square one. But worse than that, you were afraid everything was lost. 

“Everything we once had. I’m scared that it’s different now. That we spent too much time apart.” 

Your deepest, darkest worry. It hung heavy in the silence, mocking you. Yoongi stayed quiet, and you realised how far you’d crossed the line. Despite his understanding towards your relationship with Seokjin, he didn’t want to hear you drivel on. He didn’t want to counsel you. You sighed again, looking across at him. “I’m sorry. I need to find Lina, or just go home.” 

He shook his head, silently telling you it was okay. He was too nice for his own good. “Did something happen tonight?” 

You nodded slowly. “We had an argument.” 

To your surprise he scoffed in amusement. “An argument doesn’t mean the end.” 

Half an hour ago you were begging yourself to believe that. Lina and Yoongi were correct after all, but now? They hadn’t heard what Seokjin had said to you before he stormed off. It seemed pretty final to you. Your heart clenched in physical pain at the thought.  

“You should go talk to him,” Yoongi advised. “Tell him all this. Talk it out.” 

“I can’t. It’ll end in another argument.” Or Seokjin would just confirm your worst fears. You bit down on your bottom lip, fighting the urge to cry. Repeating his words to you downstairs in your head. “He said what was the point.” 

“Hm?” 

You jolted, not realising you’d said it out loud. You shook your head. “He said what was the point in us trying to be together.” 

“He said that?” Yoongi sounded surprised. 

“He was right.” You tried to tell yourself. “We were just kidding ourselves. We made a mistake.” 

“We did?” 

The sound of Seokjin’s voice made you jump and you jerked your head up, seeing his figure in the doorway. He was staring at you, ignoring Yoongi by the side of you. “I came to find you and apologise.” 

You froze, dread filling you. How long had he been stood there, listening behind the door? What did he hear? All of it? Did it even matter? The damage was done. “Seokjin,” you exclaimed, standing up immediately. “I–I… I didn’t mean that—

“Never mind,” he bit, turning back to leave. 

“No, wait!” You called after him, but he didn’t listen. Seokjin–!” You rushed after him, unable to even give Yoongi another glance. In fact, you’d almost forgotten he was even there entirely. All that was on your mind was reaching Seokjin and trying to explain yourself.

You saw him turn down the staircase as you darted through the door and you called his name once again to no avail. When you were halfway down the stairs you only just caught a glance of him leaving the party and slamming the door behind him. You were already out of breath, the panic tightening your chest, but you continued to follow him, looking both left and right as you made it outside. The night air was chilly against your skin, but you couldn’t think of that now, not when you could see him in the near distance, storming ahead and away from you. 

“Seokjin,” you cried, taking off again. Your boots thudded against the sidewalk, just like your heart was against your rib cage. Maybe he was beginning to listen, maybe you were getting through to him, because you swear he was beginning to slow down. You definitely weren’t getting any faster anyway, so that wasn’t an option. “Please,” you called, now within a few feet away from him. “Will you just stop for moment!”

He spun around suddenly, catching you off guard and you stumbled back a little. He looked upset. He looked mad. And you realised the only reason he’d stopped was because he knew you wouldn’t let up.  

“Jin,” you pleaded, trying to catch your breath at the same time. His breathing was also a little heavy, you could hear it from here. “I’m so sorry. Please, just listen—

“Go back to him.” 

That caught you off guard. Of all the things you thought you’d hear it wasn’t that. You puzzled, not really comprehending what he meant. “We were just talking. I found him in there and he asked if I was okay. I was upset, Seokjin.” 

“No. Go back to him.” 

Your heart dropped, finally realising what he was getting at but unable to understand his reasoning. You stared at him, trying to read his face. You got nothing. “I don’t want to.”

“Why? He’s much better than me, right?” He scoffed. “Mr. Perfect.” 

You shook your head back and forth, unable to process what was happening. Where had this all come from? You’d never seen Seokjin like this, let alone heard him speak like this. The tone of his voice was unnerving. Not what you were used to. “What are you going on about?” Your voice was barely there. 

“You said so yourself.” He was blunt. “Yoongi’s perfect, I’m not.” 

When had you ever said that? You had never, ever insinuated, let alone said explicitly that Seokjin wasn’t perfect. He was talking nonsense, but he looked so devastated right now you couldn’t even get angry at him. 

You reached for him, attempting to caress his arm. “Let’s get out of here. We can talk.” 

He jerked out of your grip. “No.” 

“Seokjin, you’re drunk,” you told him sternly. Unable to think of any other way to get through to him. How much had he had to drink to speak this much bullshit? “You’re not making sense.” 

“I’m making perfect sense,” he insisted. “I can’t compare when it comes to him. You’re right. We made a mistake.” He took a breath, sounding sombre when he spoke again. “You made a mistake choosing me.” 

There was a pain in your chest. A sharp, piercing pain that took your breath away. “I never said that.” 

He looked you dead in the eyes, shrugging slightly. “I’m saying it for you.” And with that he was leaving again, walking away. Leaving you. 

“Seokjin,” you called, stood there there you were glued to the sidewalk, watching him go. He rounded the corner. “SEOKJIN!” But it wasn’t going to work. He was out of sight. He was gone. 

You stayed outside for a little while, your head a mess, tears pricking your eyes but unable to fall. You were trying to make sense of Seokjin’s words, but it was hard. You didn’t understand where it had all come from… That’s why you were so shocked. Is that what he’d been hiding all this time? Why he’d found it so hard to explain himself earlier? He didn’t think he was good enough? 

Glancing down the street, towards Namjoon and Hoseok’s place, you couldn’t face going back there. Being surrounded by people having fun. You couldn’t even face seeing Lina. Yoongi too. God, why had you even confided in him? Imagining Seokjin listening to all that made you feel sick. 

It was all sick. You suddenly understood. A sick coincidence, a sick irony. That Seokjin was the one overhearing you and Yoongi in the room the reverse had happened six months previous. The aftermath of the two situations were glaringly different. What happened that original night you were sure, was the reason of Seokjin’s insecurities regarding his feelings for you and your relationship. 

You couldn’t change the past, so what happened now? You felt hopeless. You felt scared. 

Written 2019-20. Reworked/Edited 2020 Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020

[gargaj]

A breakdown of the Revision 2020 Threeway Battle shader

Those of you who have been following this year's edition of Revision probably remember the unexpected twist in Sunday's timeline, where I was pitted in a coding "battle" against two of the best shader-coders in the world to fend for myself. Admittedly the buzz it caused caught me by surprise, but not as much as the feedback on the final shader I produced, so I hope to shed some light on how the shader works, in a way that's hopefully understandable to beginners and at least entertaining to experts, as well as providing some glimpses into my thought process along the way.

Recorded video of the event

But before we dive into the math and code, however, I think it's important to get some context by recounting the story of how we got here.

A brief history of demoscene live-coding

Visual coding has been massively opened up when graphics APIs began to introduce programmable fragment rendering, perhaps best known to most people as "pixel shaders"; this allowed programmers to run entire programmable functions on each pixel of a triangle, and none was more adamant to do that than a fellow named Iñigo Quilez (IQ), an understated genius who early on recognized the opportunity in covering the entire screen with a single polygon, and just doing the heavy lifting of creating geometry in the shader itself. His vision eventually spiraled into not only the modern 4k scene, but also the website ShaderToy, which almost every graphics programmer uses to test prototypes or just play around with algorithms. IQ, an old friend of mine since the mid-00s, eventually moved to the US, worked at Pixar and Oculus, and became something of a world-revered guru of computer graphics, but that (and life) has unfortunately caused him to shift away from the scene.

His vision of single-shader-single-quad-single-pass shader coding, in the meantime, created a very spectacular kind of live coding competition in the scene where two coders get only 25 minutes and the attention of an entire party hall, and they have to improvise their way out of the duel - this has been wildly successful at parties for the sheer showmanship and spectacle akin to rap battles, and none emerged from this little sport more remarkably than Flopine, a bubbly French girl who routinely shuffled up on stage wearing round spectacles and cat ears (actually they might be pony ears on second thought), and mopped the floor up with the competition. Her and a handful of other live-coders regularly stream on Twitch as practice, and have honed their live-coding craft for a few years at this point, garnering a considerable following.

Just a sample of insanity these people can do.

My contribution to this little sub-scene was coming up with a fancy name for it ("Shader Showdown"), as well as providing a little tool I called Bonzomatic (named after Bonzaj / Plastic, a mutual friend of IQ and myself, and the first person to create a live coding environment for demoparties) that I still maintain, but even though I feel a degree of involvement through the architectural side, I myself haven't been interested in participating: I know I can do okay under time pressure, but I don't really enjoy it, and while there's a certain overlap in what they do and what I do, I was always more interested in things like visual detail and representative geometry aided by editing and direction rather than looping abstract, fractal-like things. It just wasn't my thing.

Mistakes were made

But if I'm not attracted to this type of competition, how did I end up in the crossfire anyway? What I can't say is that it wasn't, to a considerable degree, my fault: as Revision 2020 was entirely online, most of the scene took it to themselves to sit in the demoscene Discord to get an experience closest to on-site socializing, given the somber circumstances of physical distancing. This also allowed a number of people who hasn't been around for a while to pop in to chat - like IQ, who, given his past, was mostly interested in the showdowns (during which Flopine crushed the competition) and the 4k compo.

As I haven't seen him around for a while, and as my mind is always looking for an angle, I somehow put two and two together, and asked him if he would consider taking part in a showdown at some point; he replied that he was up for it - this was around Saturday 10PM. I quickly pinged the rest of the showdown participants and organizers, as I spotted that Bullet was doing a DJ set the next day (which would've been in a relatively convenient timezone for IQ in California as well), and assumed that he didn't really have visuals for it - as there was already a "coding jam" over Ronny's set the day before, I figured there's a chance for squeezing an "extra round" of coding. Flopine was, of course, beyond excited by just the prospect of going against IQ, and by midnight we essentially got everything planned out (Bullet's consent notwithstanding, as he was completely out of the loop on this), and I was excited to watch...

...that is, until Havoc, the head honcho for the showdowns, off-handedly asked me about an at that point entirely hypothetical scenario: what would happen if IQ would, for some reason, challenge me instead of Flopine? Now, as said, I wasn't really into this, but being one to not let a good plan go to waste (especially if it was mine), I told Havoc I'd take one for the team and do it, although it probably wouldn't be very fun to watch. I then proceeded to quickly brief IQ in private and run him through the technicalities of the setup, the tool, the traditions and so on, and all is swell...

...that is, until IQ (this is at around 2AM) offhandedly mentions that "Havoc suggested we do a three-way with me, Flopine... and you." I quickly try to backpedal, but IQ seems to be into the idea, and worst of all, I've already essentially agreed to it, and to me, the only thing worse than being whipped in front of a few thousand people would be going back on your word. The only way out was through.

Weeks of coding can spare you hours of thinking

So now that I've got myself into this jar of pickles, I needed some ideas, and quick. (I didn't sleep much that night.) First off, I didn't want to do anything obviously 3D - both IQ and Flopine are masters of this, and I find it exhausting and frustrating, and it would've failed on every level possible. Fractals I'm awful at and while they do provide a decent amount of visual detail, they need a lot of practice and routine to get right. I also didn't want something very basic 2D, like a byte-beat, because those have a very limited degree of variation available, and the end result always looks a bit crude.

Luckily a few months ago an article I saw do rounds was a write-up by Sasha Martinsen on how to do "FUI"-s, or Fictional User Interfaces; overly complicated and abstract user interfaces that are prominent in sci-fi, with Gmunk being the Michael Jordan of the genre.

Image courtesy of Sasha Martinsen.

Sasha's idea is simple: make a few basic decent looking elements, and then just pile them on top of each other until it looks nice, maybe choose some careful colors, move them around a bit, place them around tastefully in 3D, et voilà, you're hacking the Gibson. It's something I attempted before, if somewhat unsuccessfully, in "Reboot", but I came back to it a few more times in my little private motion graphics experiments with much better results, and my prediction was that it would be doable in the given timeframe - or at least I hoped that my hazy 3AM brain was on the right track.

A bit of math

How to make this whole thing work? First, let's think about our rendering: We have a single rectangle and a single-pass shader that runs on it: this means no meshes, no geometry, no custom textures, no postprocessing, no particle systems and no fonts, which isn't a good place to start from. However, looking at some of Sasha's 3D GIFs, some of them look like they're variations of the same render put on planes one after the other - and as long as we can do one, we can do multiple of that.

Rough sketch of what we want to do; the planes would obviously be infinite in size but this representation is good enough for now.

Can we render multiple planes via a single shader? Sure, but we want them to look nice, and that requires a bit of thinking: The most common technique to render a "2D" shader and get a "3D" look is raymarching, specifically with signed distance fields - starting on a ray, and continually testing distances until a hit is found. This is a good method for "solid-ish" looking objects and scenes, but the idea for us is to have many infinite planes that also have some sort of alpha channel, so we'd have a big problem with 1) inaccuracy, as we'd never find a hit, just something "reasonably close", and even that would take us a few dozen steps, which is costly even for a single plane and 2) the handling of an alpha map can be really annoying, since we'd only find out our alpha value after our initial march, after which if our alpha is transparent we'd need to march again.

But wait - it's just infinite planes and a ray, right? So why don't we just assume that our ray is always hitting the plane (which it is, since we're looking at it), and just calculate an intersection the analytical way?

Note: I would normally refer to this method as "raytracing", but after some consultation with people smarter than I am, we concluded that the terms are used somewhat ambiguously, so let's just stick to "analytical ray solving" or something equally pedantic.

We know the mathematical equation for a ray is position = origin + direction * t (where t is a scalar that represents the distance/progress from the ray origin), and we know that the formula for a plane is A * x + B * y + C * z + D = 0, where (A, B, C) is the normal vector of the plane, and D is the distance from the origin. First, since the intersection will be the point in space that satisfies both equations, we substitute the ray (the above o + d * t for each axis) into the plane:

A * (ox + dx * t) + B * (oy + dy * t) + C * (oz + dz * t) + D = 0

To find out where this point is in space, we need to solve this for t, but it's currently mighty complicated. Luckily, since we assume that our planes are parallel to the X-Y plane, we know our (A, B, C) normal is (0, 0, 1), so we can simplify it down to:

oz + dz * t + D = 0

Which we can easily solve to t:

t = (D - oz) / dz

That's right: analytically finding a ray hit of a plane is literally a single subtraction and a division! Our frame rate (on this part) should be safe, and we're always guaranteed a hit as long as we're not looking completely perpendicular to the planes; we should have everything to start setting up our code.

Full disclosure: Given my (and in a way IQ's) lack of "live coding" experience, we agreed that there would be no voting for the round, and it'd be for glory only, but also that I'd be allowed to use a small cheat sheet of math like the equations for 2D rotation or e.g. the above final equation since I don't do this often enough to remember these things by heart, and I only had a few hours notice before the whole thing.

Setting up the rendering

Time to start coding then. First, let's calculate our texture coordinates in the 0..1 domain using the screen coordinates and the known backbuffer resolution (which is provided to us in Bonzomatic):

vec2 uv = vec2(gl_FragCoord.x / v2Resolution.x, gl_FragCoord.y / v2Resolution.y);

Then, let's create a ray from that:

vec3 rayDir = vec3( uv * 2 - 1, -1.0 ); rayDir.x *= v2Resolution.x / v2Resolution.y; // adjust for aspect ratio vec3 rayOrigin = vec3( 0, 0, 0 );

This creates a 3D vector for our direction that is -1,-1,-1 in the top left corner and 1,1,-1 in the bottom right (i.e. we're looking so that Z is decreasing into the screen), then we adjust the X coordinate since our screen isn't square, but our coordinates currently are - no need to even bother with normalizing, it'll be fine. Our origin is currently just sitting in the center.

Then, let's define (loosely) our plane, which is parallel to the XY plane:

float planeDist = 1.0f; // distance between each plane float planeZ = -5.0f; // Z position of the first plane

And solve our equation to t, as math'd out above:

float t = (planeZ - rayOrigin.z) / rayDir.z;

Then, calculate WHERE the hit is by taking that t by inserting it back to the original ray equation using our current direction and origin:

vec3 hitPos = rayOrigin + t * rayDir;

And now we have our intersection; since we already know the Z value, we can texture our plane by using the X and Y components to get a color value:

vec4 color = fui( hitPos.xy ); // XY plane our_color = color;

Of course we're gonna need the actual FUI function, which will be our procedural animated FUI texture, but let's just put something dummy there now, like a simple circle:

vec4 fui ( vec2 uv ) { return length(uv - 0.5) < 0.5 ? vec4(1) : vec(0); }

And here we go:

Very good, we have a single circle and if we animate the camera we can indeed tell that it is on a plane.

So first, let's tile it by using a modulo function; the modulo (or modulus) function simply wraps a number around another number (kinda like the remainder after a division, but for floating point numbers) and thus becomes extremely useful for tiling or repeating things:

We'll be using the modulo function rather extensively in this little exercise, so strap in. (Illustration via the Desmos calculator.)

vec4 layer = fui( mod( hitPos.xy, 1.0 ) );

This will wrap the texture coordinates of -inf..inf between 0..1:

We also need multiple planes, but how do we combine them? We could just blend them additively, but with the amount of content we have, we'd just burn them in to white and it'd look like a mess (and not the good kind of mess). We could instead just use normal "crossfade" / "lerp" blending based on the alpha value; the only trick here is to make sure we're rendering them from back to front since the front renders will blend over the back renders:

int steps = 10; float planeDist = 1.0f; for (int i=steps; i>=0; i--) { float planeZ = -1.0f * i * planeDist; float t = (planeZ - rayOrigin.z) / rayDir.z; if (t > 0.0f) // check if "t" is in front of us { vec3 hitPos = rayOrigin + t * rayDir; vec4 layer = fui( hitPos.xy, 2.0 ); // blend layers based on alpha output colour = mix( colour, layer, layer.a ); } }

And here we go:

We decreased the circles a bit in size to see the effect more.

Not bad! First thing we can do is just fade off the back layers, as if they were in a fog:

layer *= (steps - i) / float(steps);

We have a problem though: we should probably increase the sci-fi effect by moving the camera continually forward, but if we do, we're gonna run into a problem: Currently, since our planeZ is fixed to the 0.0 origin, they won't move with the camera. We could just add our camera Z to them, but then they would be fixed with the camera and wouldn't appear moving. What we instead want is to just render them AS IF they would be the closest 10 planes in front of the camera; the way we could do that is that if e.g. our planes' distance from each other is 5, then round the camera Z down to the nearest multiple of 5 (e.g. if the Z is at 13, we round down to 10), and start drawing from there; rounding up would be more accurate, but rounding down is easier, since we can just subtract the division remainder from Z like so:

float planeZ = (rayOrigin.z - mod(rayOrigin.z, planeDist)) - i * planeDist;

And now we have movement! Our basic rendering path is done.

Our little fictional UI

So now that we have the basic pipeline in place, let's see which elements can we adapt from Sasha's design pieces.

The first one I decided to go with wasn't strictly speaking in the set, but it was something that I saw used as design elements over the last two decades, and that's a thick hatch pattern element; I think it's often used because it has a nice industrial feel with it. Doing it in 2D is easy: We just add X and Y together, which will result in a diagonal gradient, and then we just turn that into an alternating pattern using, again, the modulo. All we need to do is limit it between two strips, and we have a perfectly functional "Police Line Do Not Cross" simulation.

return mod( uv.x + uv.y, 1 ) < 0.5 ? vec4(1) : vec4(0);

So let's stop here for a few moments; this isn't bad, but we're gonna need a few things. First, the repetition doesn't give us the nice symmetric look that Sasha recommends us to do, and secondly, we want them to look alive, to animate a bit.

Solving symmetry can be done just by modifying our repetition code a bit: instead of a straight up modulo with 1.0 that gives us a 0..1 range, let's use 2.0 to get a 0..2 range, then subtract 1.0 to get a -1..1 range, and then take the absolute value.

vec4 layer = fui( abs( mod( hitPos.xy, 2.0 ) - 1 ) );

This will give us a triangle-wave-like function, that goes from 0 to 1, then back to 0, then back to 1; in terms of texture coordinates, it will go back and forth between mirroring the texture in both directions, which, let's face it, looks Totally Sweet.

For animation, first I needed some sort of random value, but one that stayed deterministic based on a seed - in other words, I needed a function that took in a value, and returned a mangled version of it, but in a way that if I sent that value in twice, it would return the same mangled value twice. The most common way of doing it is taking the incoming "seed" value, and then driving it into some sort of function with a very large value that causes the function to alias, and then just returning the fraction portion of the number:

float rand(float x) { return fract(sin(x) * 430147.8193); }

Does it make any sense? No. Is it secure? No. Will it serve our purpose perfectly? Oh yes.

So how do we animate our layers? The obvious choice is animating both the hatch "gradient" value to make it crawl, and the start and end of our hatch pattern which causes the hatched strip to move up and down: simply take a random - seeded by our time value - of somewhere sensible (like between 0.2 and 0.8 so that it doesn't touch the edges) and add another random to it, seasoned to taste - we can even take a binary random to pick between horizontal and vertical strips:

The problems here are, of course, that currently they're moving 1) way too fast and 2) in unison. The fast motion obviously happens because the time value changes every frame, so it seeds our random differently every frame - this is easy to solve by just rounding our time value down to the nearest integer: this will result in some lovely jittery "digital" motion. The unison is also easy to solve: simply take the number of the layer, and add it to our time, thus shifting the time value for each layer; I also chose to multiply the layer ID with a random-ish number so that the layers actually animate independently, and the stutter doesn't happen in unison either:

vec4 fui( vec2 uv, float t ) { t = int(t); float start = rand(t) * 0.8 + 0.1; float end = start + 0.1; [...] } vec4 layer = fui( abs(mod(hitPos.xy, 2.0)-1), fGlobalTime + i * 4.7 );

Lovely!

Note: In hindsight using the Z coordinate of the plane would've given a more consistent result, but the way it animates, it doesn't really matter.

So let's think of more elements: the best looking one that seems to get the best mileage out in Sasha's blog is what I can best describe as the "slant" or "hockey stick" - a simple line, with a 45-degree turn in it. What I love about it is that the symmetry allows it to create little tunnels, gates, corridors, which will work great for our motion.

Creating it is easy: We just take a thin horizontal rectangle, and attach another rectangle to the end, but shift the coordinate of the second rectangle vertically, so that it gives us the 45-degree angle:

float p1 = 0.2; float p2 = 0.5; float p3 = 0.7; float y = 0.5; float thicc = 0.0025; if (p1 < uv.x && uv.x < p2 && y - thicc < uv.y && uv.y < y + thicc ) { return vec4(1); } if (p2 < uv.x && uv.x < p3 && y - thicc < uv.y - (uv.x - p2) && uv.y - (uv.x - p2) < y + thicc ) { return vec4(1); }

Note: In the final code, I had a rect() call which I originally intended to use as baking glow around my rectangle using a little routine I prototyped out earlier that morning, but I was ultimately too stressed to properly pull that off. Also, it's amazing how juvenile your variable names turn when people are watching.

Looks nice, but since this is such a thin sparse element, let's just... add more of it!

So what more can we add? Well, no sci-fi FUI is complete without random text and numbers, but we don't really have a font at hand. Or do we? For years, Bonzomatic has been "shipping" with this really gross checkerboard texture ostensibly for UV map testing:

What if we just desaturate and invert it?

We can then "slice" it up and render little sprites all over our texture: we already know how to draw a rectangle, so all we need is just 1) calculate which sprite we want to show 2) calculate the texture coordinate WITHIN that sprite and 3) sample the texture:

float sx = 0.3; float sy = 0.3; float size = 0.1; if (sx < uv.x && uv.x < sx + size && sy < uv.y &&uv.y < sy + size) { float spx = 2.0 / 8.0; // we have 8 tiles in the texture float spy = 3.0 / 8.0; vec2 spriteUV = (uv - vec2(sx,sy)) / size; vec4 sam = texture( texChecker, vec2(spx,spy) + spriteUV / 8.0 ); return dot( sam.rgb, vec3(0.33) ); }

Note: In the final code, I was only using the red component instead of desaturation because I forgot the texture doesn't always have red content - I stared at it for waaaay too long during the round trying to figure out why some sprites weren't working.

And again, let's just have more of it:

Getting there!

At this point the last thing I added was just circles and dots, because I was running out of ideas; but I also felt my visual content amount was getting to where I wanted them to be; it was also time to make it look a bit prettier.

Post-production / compositing

So we have our layers, they move, they might even have colors, but I'm still not happy with the visual result, since they are too single-colored, there's not enough tone in the picture.

The first thing I try nowadays when I'm on a black background is to just add either a single color, or a gradient:

vec4 colour = renderPlanes(uv); vec4 gradient = mix( vec4(0,0,0.2,1), vec4(0,0,0,1), uv.y); vec4 finalRender = mix( gradient, vec4(colour.xyz,1), colour.a);

This added a good chunk of depth considerably to the image, but I was still not happy with the too much separation between colors.

A very common method used in compositing in digital graphics is to just add bloom / glow; when used right, this helps us add us more luminance content to areas that would otherwise be solid color, and it helps the colors to blend a bit by providing some middle ground; unfortunately if we only have a single pass, the only way to get blur (and by extension, bloom) is repeatedly rendering the picture, and that'd tank our frame rate quickly.

Instead, I went back to one of the classics: the Variform "pixelize" overlay:

This is almost the same as a bloom effect, except instead of blurring the image, all you do is turn it into a lower resolution nearest point sampled version of itself, and blend that over the original image - since this doesn't need more than one sample per pixel (as we can reproduce pixelation by just messing with the texture coordinates), we can get away by rendering the scene only twice:

vec4 colour = renderPlanes(uv); colour += renderPlanes(uv - mod( uv, 0.1 ) ) * 0.4;

Much better tonal content!

So what else can we do? Well, most of the colors I chose are in the blue/orange/red range, and we don't get a lot of the green content; one of the things that I learned that it can look quite pretty if one takes a two-tone picture, and uses color-grading to push the midrange of a third tone - that way, the dominant colors will stay in the highlights, and the third tone will cover the mid-tones. (Naturally you have to be careful with this.)

"Boosting" a color in the mids is easy: lucky for us, if we consider the 0..1 range, exponential functions suit our purpose perfectly, because they start at 0, end at 1, but we can change how they get here:

So let's just push the green channel a tiny bit:

finalRender.g = pow(finalRender.g, 0.7);

Now all we need is to roll our camera for maximum cyberspace effect and we're done!

Best laid plans of OBS

As you can see from the code I posted the above, I wrote the final shader in GLSL; those who know me know that I'm a lot more comfortable with DirectX / HLSL, and may wonder why I switched, but of course there's another story here:

Given the remote nature of the event, all of the shader coding competition was performed online as well: since transmitting video from the coder's computer to a mixer, and then to another mixer, and then to a streaming provider, and then to the end user would've probably turned the image to mush, Alkama and Nusan came up with the idea of skipping a step and rigging up a version of Bonzo that ran on the coder's computer, but instead of streaming video, it sent the shader down to another instance of Bonzo, running on Diffty's computer, who then captured that instance and streamed it to the main Revision streaming hub. This, of course, meant that in a three-way, Diffty had to run three separate instances of Bonzo - but it worked fine with GLSL earlier, so why worry?

What we didn't necessarily realize at the time, is that the DirectX 11 shader compiler takes no hostages, and as soon as the shader reached un-unrollable level of complexity, it thoroughly locked down Diffty's machine, to the point that even the video of the DJ set he was playing started to drop out. I, on the other hand, didn't notice any of this, since my single local instance was doing fine, so I spent the first 15 minutes casually nuking Diffty's PC to shreds remotely, until I noticed Diffty and Havoc pleading on Discord to switch to GLSL because I'm setting things on fire unknowingly.

This is fine.

I was reluctant to do so, simply because of the muscle memory, but I was also aware that I should keep the show going if I can because if I bow out without a result, that would be a colossal embarrassment to everyone involved, and I only can take one of those once every week, and I was already above my quota - so, I quickly closed the DX11 version of Bonzo, loaded the shader up in a text editor, replaced "floatX" with "vecX" (fun drinking game: take a shot every time I messed it up during the live event), commented the whole thing out, loaded it into a GLSL bonzo, and quickly fixed all the other syntax differences (of which there were luckily not many, stuff like "mix" instead of "lerp", constructors, etc.), and within a few minutes I was back up and running.

This, weirdly, helped my morale a bit, because it was the kind of clutch move that for some reason appealed to me, and made me quite happy - although at that point I locked in so bad that not only did I pay absolutely not attention to the stream to see what the other two are doing, but that the drinks and snacks I prepared for the hour of battling went completely untouched.

In the end, when the hour clocked off, the shader itself turned out more or less how I wanted it, it worked really well with Bullet's techno-/psy-/hardtrance mix (not necessarily my jam, as everyone knows I'm more a broken beat guy, but pounding monotony can go well with coding focus), and I came away satisfied, although the perhaps saddest point of the adventure was yet to come: the lack of cathartic real-life ending that was taken from us due to the physical distance, when after all the excitement, all the cheers and hugs were merely lines of text on a screen - but you gotta deal with what you gotta deal with.

A small sampling of the Twitch reaction.

Conclusion

In the end, what was my takeaway from the experience?

First off, scoping is everything: Always aim to get an idea where you can maximize the outcome of the time invested with the highest amount of confidence of pulling it off. In this case, even though I was on short notice and in an environment I was unfamiliar with, I relied on something I knew, something I've done before, but no one else really has.

Secondly, broaden your influence: You never know when you can take something that seems initially unrelated, and bend it into something that you're doing with good results.

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, step out of your comfort zone every so often; you'll never know what you'll find.

(And don't agree to everything willy-nilly, you absolute moron.)

[ahnmakes]

devlog # 8 // mapmaking, part 2 (plants, blender modeling + refining map visuals)

welcome back to the world of Gamedév!

okay, so, it’s been a couple weeks since the last devlog, but honestly, it feels like years have passed.  to let you know a bit of what i’ve been up to, i’ve mainly been reflecting on pursuing further education in a formal setting.  for close to a year now, i’ve already been studying computer science and game development pretty intentionally on my own - with the abundant resources available online, it is more than possible to receive a full and competent education without university studies. however, there are a few things that self-studying does not always make easy or accessible, namely: a) tangible, structured evidence of the skills you’re learning, in a format others (employers) feel they understand, b) opportunities to collaborate and build with other people around your skill levels, and c) in-person connections, leading to further interpersonal and career potentials

these are things that i think university education does tend to provide more consistently, and they are the reason that i am nearly certain i’ll be pursuing more formal education in the coming months.  i am mainly waiting to hear back on a funding opportunity, so more details on my plan in the next devlog ..

as far as progress on zodaia, the main thing i worked on this week was getting some new models into the game.  as you may remember, in the previous devlog, i had made a number of environmental models .. pretty much entirely out of cubes.  the first model, a tree, allowed me to render a stunningly realistic and artistically compelling forest:

it may be difficult to tell, but this is a digitally-rendered forest scene, not a photo; hard to believe, but if you zoom in close, you might see subtle indications that these models were created from geometric shapes.  while i did not imagine i could improve upon the flowing asymmetry of the grass or the bold sharpness of the rock faces, i thought i would give it a shot.

putting these placeholder assets temporarily aside, i decided to start with a sort of leafy plant because it seemed like something i couldn’t fuck up too much.

i opened blender, deleted the initial cube, and started with a flat plane, just the default one provided.  i then extruded it a couple of times, making a longer, flat plane - it seemed easier to work with the leaf as a flat piece before bringing it more into 3d.  i next curved the shape by selecting loop cuts and scaling them down as made sense to me; i didn’t follow any guide, just went along adjusting the shape into something pleasing to me.  once i had a flat leaf that looked nice, i put a loop cut down the length of the leaf, and i rotated the whole leaf up, keeping its base close to the center, where the axes meet.  i then pulled this center loop of vertices down, creating an indent in the leaf, then individually adjusted the side vertices up and down to create more depth, as if the leaf were rotated or growing differently along its edges.

and that brought me to this:

i know that is a lot of blender/3d-modeling talk, already, so let me know if you’d like a more in-depth blender introduction; if you support me on patreon, i will definitely make a tutorial so you can know more about the modeling process!

anyhow, once i had this one leaf, i just duplicated it and started manually positioning the leaves to make something that looked decent.  i’m sure there is a more perfomant or efficient way to do things, but my goal right now is simply to make - i have spent years trying to conceptualise an ideal way to do everything, which often led to me not making anything at all, but the intention of this blog is for ahn to make.  so, this is what i made:

obviously, as this was the first model i’ve made for the game (aside from the hex model, which will also soon get a rework), i couldn’t wait to see the model actually in the game.  i made a basic green material, imported the model (as an fbx file) into unity, and simply replaced this with the model in one of the original InteractableObjects - i think i replaced the bush?

here’s how it looked:

already stunning!  sincerely, this time.  i am in love with the simplicity of this effect - and though i might feel differently later, right now, i love how this plant looks.

next, i continued swiftly on with a tree, since i imagined that is the thing that would be most engaging and also most visually rewarding.  in the past, i have created low-poly trees before and absolutely loved the effect, so i also decided i would go for something similar this time.

skipping most of the modeling details, i basically just started with a cylinder and extruded, extruded, extruded and repositioned vertices until i got this shape - it took probably 5 minutes (including the part where i needed to bond the duplicated tree branch by manually creating faces between the central and duplicated branch vertices).

i then added in some icospheres, which i just pulled around and contorted into these shapes, which i (again) duplicated.

after creating materials for the tree bark and the tree top and putting a light in the scene, this was the quick render result.

and now, in the game..

the difference is absurd, especially considering how little energy it took to make these trees.  i created a dark and a light variation once i had the models imported into unity, and will certainly make variations with many more shapes - however, right now, there is only that one tree model in this scene.  could you tell?  without studying the trees too hard, i think the automatic rotation (included in the procedural generation) gives a convincing effect, as if there are many tree models there.

and since i was coasting on the excitement of having these models complete nearly immediately, i decided to go ahead and do the grass and rock models, too.

again, start with one shape ..

then duplicate and make material ..

et voilà.  also featuring the rocks i made.

actually, the first time i imported the model and pressed play, it crashed unity and looked like this:

why? i initially thought it was because i had made the noob mistake of making 3d grass (which i did) instead of using 2d images, but actually, it was because i had also imported a light and camera for each grass model; remember to delete them from the scene in blender before exporting!

with that, i was pretty in love with how everything was going.  the environments are starting to look more organic and how i dream of them being.

updated glacier: (not much going on here yet; needs more water effects, snow falling .. but i did update the ice color and transparency to be more distinct from the snow)

desert scene with a very bright weather:

ash biome looking almost exactly the same:

gardens at night with an ambient light:

and two new biomes: the tundra, a mostly frozen, rocky landscape with some plant-growth:

and the cove, dark because it’s inside/a cave:

overall, i am super pleased with these developments and *so* thrilled for the next changes to come.

look out for the next devlog, where i’ll probably be working on a couple more models (or texturing/modeling the hexes?) and especially the more weather-y environmental effects: lighting, post processing, clouds, rain, lightning, water, the sky -- much to come.  until then..

with love and hopefully a low poly count,

ahn

// support me on patreon?  click here to join my party and help me keep making content like this <3

[iamthewatcheronthewall]

First Lines Meme

RULES: List the openings of the last ten stories you published. Look to see if there are any patterns that you notice yourself, and see if anyone else notices any! Then tag some friends.

Thank you for the tag @thesparkles59 & @drakhus

My last 10 fics include all 8 of my GOT Jonerys stories, plus a ‘Humans’ one-shot and my last ‘Merlin’ multi-chapter.  

I’m really bad at any sort of analysis. In most of these recently multi chapters I appear to drop the reader straight into the action but not always.  Some of them open with dialogue or thought. Anyone else got any thoughts?

I’m late to the party as usual so most people I know have done it.  @kiyasama

@sirmatthew1972 @jillcfan & anyone else I’ve missed who wants a go.

All 10 openers under the cut with links to the works if any catch your eye! ;)

1. The Prince Next Door (WIP multi-chapter)

Sword fighting was nowhere near as enjoyable as Jon had expected. Watching the soldiers train in the main courtyard had always been thrilling and so he had assumed it would be the same once he learnt. Perhaps it would be better when he got a proper sword? This small, wooden one had felt light when Ser Rodrik first placed it in his hand and showed him the proper way to grasp it but, as Robb's sword hit his repeatedly, sending vibrations up his arm, Jon’s shoulders had begun to ache and he found himself wishing he was five again and could return to the nursery to play with his toy soldiers instead.

2. Insatiable Dragon Drabbles (only written one, 100 word drabble so far, so a very short opener here)

She’s breathtaking.

Whilst Daenerys was staring at the cave paintings, Jon was gazing at her. The torchlight flickered off the dark stone walls and the queen’s pale features, making her appear even more stunning than usual.

3. Warg Riders (complete multi-chapter)

He was reliving the Battle for the Dawn, the great northern ice war, the final, desperate attempt to stop the Night King and his army from continuing their deadly march south and destroying the realm.

And it was exhausting.

As a Warg Rider with exceptional sword skills, Jon was effectively having to be two soldiers at once; mentally directing Ghost and his huge pack of wolves and direwolves, whilst also physically fighting as himself; his Varyrian steel blade able to destroy wights and White Walkers alike.

"How can we possibly win this?" he wondered for the hundredth time. 

Every living fighter who died - human and animal - instantly became turn-coat and fought on the enemy’s side and most of the living soldiers held ordinary weapons which required them to 'kill' their opponents many time over to render them ineffective.He felt Ghost bite through another wight, and tried to suppress the now familiar nausea as the taste of dead flesh also filled his mouth whilst, at the same time, Longclaw sliced through another in front of his own eyes. Then, to make matters worse, he received a third point of view, Bran choosing that moment to let his brother know what he could see whilst flying high above in a raven.

"Seven Hells!"

4. Charade (pwp one-shot)

Daenerys took another large swig from her goblet, exchanging a glance with Jon who was sitting next to her at the high table at King's Landing. He rolled his eyes and copied her, obviously feeling exactly the same way about this farce as she did. Tonight would be a whole lot easier if the pair of them were seriously drunk by the time they left the Hall.

And so she was married. Again. This time to Prince Aegon, her nephew and her very best friend although, to Daenerys, he had only ever been Jon and to him she was always Dany. This whole marriage idea was ridiculous in more ways than one. What was it with the Targaryens and their insane need to ‘keep it in the family’?

5. Silent Declarations (complete multi-chapter)

“Why?”

Daenerys paces in her cabin, constantly mumbling the word to herself, even though she isn't entirely sure what question she's asking.

'Why did he bend the knee when I'd already agreed to support him?'

'Why did holding his hand feel like the most passionate of love making?'

'Why did it seem as if he meant something else when he called me his queen?'

'Why does it feel like I'm walking through fire every time I'm close to him?'

Ever since their intimate conversation at his bedside, being around Jon Snow has been delightful torture. She had left his room for very good reason then, overwhelmed by the looks he was giving her and her own unexpectedly strong emotions. So many men have desired her, worshipped her and confessed their love to her but this is different. He is different. It makes no sense how thrilling it feels being close to him.

6. Here Be Dragons (complete multi-chapter modern au)

Daenerys was sitting on a tall stool behind the shop counter studying the accounts; a pen in one hand, mug of coffee in the other and one bare foot resting idly on her largest dog's back. Drogon shifted under her, searching for a scratch, and she did her best to oblige with her toes, far too preoccupied to bend down and fuss him properly. The numbers in front of her barely added up but she didn't really care. It wasn’t as if money was an issue for her, after all, and this new, quiet life was her reward for everything she had gone through before this; a modest flat over a shop full of dragons, fairies, jewellery and magical books. Just her and her three large dogs who were far more than pets to her. They were the loving family she'd never had, the security she had always craved and the honest companionship she didn’t dare search for elsewhere.

They had saved her life. They were her life.

7. Servants of Light (dark one-shot)

Jon rode into the Winterfell courtyard next to Daenerys - closer than necessary, perhaps a little closer than advisable - but his queen might as well have been across the Narrow Sea for all the attention she had paid him since they had left White Harbor.

He knew that the idea of them keeping their distance was a logical one but that hadn’t made their separation any easier for him to bear. And, if it had just been that - the pair of them acting disinterested for the sake of appearances - then he could have coped with such cruel separation, but there was something more going on here. Dany was withdrawn, nervous … scared about something and, no matter how gently Jon had tried to ask her, she would not talk to him about what was on her mind. Would not allow herself to be alone with him at all.

‘It’s for the best,’ he thought, trying hard to convince himself. ‘We do have more important things to think about, after all.’

8. This (boatsex 2-shot)

"Jon Snow's not in love with me," Daenerys declared and yet her heart leapt unexpectedly at the thought.

"Oh, my mistake,” Tyrion countered. “I suppose he stares at you longingly because he's hopeful for a successful military alliance."

Did he really stare at her longingly? Dany thought she had caught that look once or twice, but had just as quickly dismissed it as her own fancy. She would turn towards the King in the North and there, just for a heartbeat, imagined she saw something thrilling in his eyes' dark depths, but then the illusion would quickly vanish, replaced with the impenetrable glower she was now so used to seeing on his face.

9. It’s Just a Little Crush (’Humans’ One-shot)

This was not at all how Mattie had envisaged her reunion with Leo. Although, honestly, what had she expected? She had been so single minded recently - focused on one specific goal - that she'd somehow managed to convince herself that there'd been an element of self-discovery to her search for Odi and the development of the mature code. Some higher purpose.

But she now realised she'd been deluding herself and it had all been for one reason. For one person.

10. A Prison Around Our Wrists (’Merlin’ complete multi-chapter)

“Hurry, Morgana!”

The corridor the three of them were hurrying down was narrow, dark and cold, and her heartbeat thumping loudly in her ears did little to drown out the sound of moans and soft sobs around her. She grit her teeth and continued on, trying not to think about all the others in here, focusing instead on the two warm hands she was holding; one large and one very small.

The metal bracelet around her wrist buzzed viciously, a timely reminder to keep her emotions under control. She took a deep breath to calm herself whilst her companions' hands gently squeezed hers, attempting to give reassurance.

“Nearly there.”

[anon-luv]

Blankets 5FINALE5 [JungkookXReader]

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader (Feat. Rest of BTS)

Genre: Romance/Angst/Smut BadBoyAU!

Summary: A one night stand turned into various visits. No strings attached, or at least that is what you told yourself every time he walked through the door. His first name was the only thing you knew, besides having memorized every sensitive spot that laid upon his skin.

One night you catch a glimpse of his world. One that you had never had the temptation to roam on your free will. Jungkook though was addicting, and your craving for his touches led you to venture into his life. This new found world offering you a freedom you didn’t know existed. The consequences of your actions instead of taking you a step closer to him, formed a barrier. Jungkook’s sweet touches turned rough with rage, his passionate kisses turned possessive, and his comfortable casual talk went to promises/lies of a forever.

Rating: M [Language, Strong Scenes, Drug usage, Sexual Scenes]

Author’s Note: Took me forever.... I AM SO SORRY!!

I lost the original ending because my computer went to laptop heaven so I had to rewrite it. Here you go though. I hope you all like it. I am so nervous about posting this since it was the first fic I have ever written..and to be honest I did not expect anyone to like it lol. Thank you all for your support.

This is the finale, but I do plan to do a small epilogue drabble for this. 

Also I will edit it a bit more later...ignore minor grammar mistakes please

DISCLAIMER I DONT OWN THE LYRICS!!! Credit to people who wrote it. 

Let Go by Hailey....Steinfield? hehehehehe

Love yall!!

Trigger warning: Drugs, alcohol, and Sexual scenes

Not 100% edited yet. Might have minor mistakes :)

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Word Count: 6.2k+

Blankets

.Part 1. .Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.  [Fic Playlist]

MASTERLIST

“I can’t sleep right now, so instead I’ll lie here and imagine better days. Days where I’ll wake up to your arms around me and not your name on my phone. Days where I’ll fall back asleep to the sound of your heartbeat and not the lonely silence of this room. Days where we’ll be together and nothing else will really matter anymore. But should I manage to slip off into a new night of dreams, I hope you know you were the last thing on my mind. You always are.”

 Whoever said Love is a blessing was lying…...Love is a curse. Love is a parasite consuming you from the inside slowly and painfully with no remorse. Love is to lose oneself in a feeling without a guarantee of finding love on the other side. Love is pain. Love is a weakness. Love is succumbing yourself body and soul to another person and giving them the ability to walk away at any given time, leaving you with nothing left. Love…...you were completely in Love with him, and you were starting to despise the ill feeling that had taken over your life.

Your sleeping schedule had adjusted to his, in order to have as much time with him as possible. He had become an addiction, an endless craving.

The way Jungkook kissed you had changed along with your relationship. The kisses seemed to last longer, but they also tended to be a lot rougher. He was not as fond of you spending time with Yoongi or any of the guys on your own. He always managed to keep a hand on you when they were present as if he was marking his territory. You had never witnessed such a possessive trait on Jungkook when he was with Tabi. You knew that what you and Jungkook had was a lot more different and complicated than what theirs had been, but you were slightly taken aback on how needy he had become. You didn’t mind it at all for you were just as needy yourself. Jungkook and you spend most of your time locked inside your apartment talking about everything and anything. The blanket had become your haven, and parting with them was becoming almost physically painful.

Winter had come and gone, and the melting snow had marked your anniversary with Jungkook. The day was colder than usual, and Jungkook had finally managed to keep a stable job for longer than a month. Yoongi had managed to wiggle Jungkook into a paid internship in the music studio. Jungkook had taken advantage of the position and started using the studios to create his own music. His singing had become his number one priority besides you. The hang out spot usually lacked your presence, for most of the time that you weren’t with Jungkook you stayed in your apartment waiting for him to come back. The boys stopped at times to say hello or have dinner with you guys, but you rarely hit the circle to fill up your lungs with smoke now at days.

“I miss you,” Yoongi said through the phone “I see you more at the studio these days than anywhere else. The garage is lonely without your presence. Danielle and Namjoon have been glued at the hip by the way. What’s up with that?”

“He must be doing her good,” you said bursting out into giggles.

You heard a yuck from the other side of the line “Too much info (y/n), I much rather not know which places have been rubbing against each other behind closed doors. Which by the way...are you and Jungkook going to get over this whole humping like bunnies stage...it is growing old”

“Yoongi, we don’t hump all the time… we talk in between breaks” you said teasingly.

“Ok that is it, I am hanging up now,” Yoongi said as your giggle turned uncontrollable.

“See you in a bit Yoongi. I am on my way to the studio” you said as the cold wind blew against your face once again.

“Whatever” you heard him say as his other side went dead.

The chilly winter air was canceled out by the warmth of the building that you had just entered. The area was quite roomy, white, and clean. It looked modern and you felt a bit out of place.

As soon as you entered the premises you quickly scanned for Jungkook in the desk he usually sat at. His lack of presence gave you a weird chill down your spine, sort of like an intuition of something that was about to flip your world upside down. Before you could overthink the feeling Yoongi came out of a door and walked over to you, “Hey, Jungkook is in the back recording some stuff, he asked me to tell you to pop a squat. He shouldn’t be more than 10 minutes”

You nodded and took a seat in one of the white stiff couches in the waiting area, Yoongi smiled at you and turned back to the door he had just come out from. He looked a bit hurried as he basically ran back inside what you assumed was a studio.

It had been an hour. Your phone was at 15% and your foot had tapped annoyingly on the floor for the last 30 minutes or so. Finally, Jungkook stepped out of the room looking quite happy, completely ignoring the fact that he had made you wait for so long. He jumped into the couch next to you making your anger and frustration melt away as his lips captured yours in a surprise lock, something that was not appropriate for the public, but as your hands made their way to his soft locks the rest of the world disappeared.

“Gross” you heard a deep voice say breaking you apart.

“Your ass” Jungkook replied to Yoongi playfully as he managed to pick you up and sit you down on his lap “You are just jealous I own this sexy pair of lips ….and I am not talking just about the ones on her face.

“YAH! Jungkook respect your elders” Yoongi replied, but you could see a flash of a strange emotion in his eyes.

You smacked Jungkook on the chest “Stop it Kook! Or I will ground you”

“Oh, please do,” Jungkook said sexily in your ear.

“Ok time to go home,” you said pulling Jungkook up.

“Oh, please do,” Yoongi said mocking Jungkook’s previous statement.

You walked towards the pale man and pecked his cheek “Stop it Grumpy ass”

Yoongi rolled his eyes clearly blushing. Jungkook gave Yoongi a stare, but he just shrugged off the younger boy as he waved you goodbye.

Before you made it out the door you heard Yoongi yell Jungkook’s name followed by a “Don’t worry about a thing Kookie, we will spread that shit all over the stations”

Jungkook’s previous possessive stare turned to one of excitement as his bunny smile spread taking over his whole face.

Before you could ask what that was about Jungkook was already pulling you away towards the apartment, barely giving you time to breathe as he decided to toss you over his shoulder to get there faster. You laughed the whole way back, not knowing what was about to hit you head on and in all honesty as Jungkook ran back to your apartment while whispering naughty things in your ears, you did not give a single fuck.

  Change. It was bound to come. It always came when you least expected it. It started that fateful night when Jungkook’s possessiveness took an all-time high. All it took was Yoongi’s hand on your lap for Jungkook to snap. Punches, kicks, pushes, split lips, and a bruised eye later you had grown tired of it. When had your relationship turned into this?? The freedom you had felt whenever Jungkook was present had been thrown out the window. As soon as Jimin and Hoseok split the boys up you pulled Jungkook away as if the place was on fire. You needed an explanation of whatever the fuck was going on.

“Okay Jungkook, are you a puppy I need to get fixed or something? what the fuck is wrong with you??” you asked as you gently placed ice on his swollen lip.

“The real question is what the fuck is wrong with you?? Are you some sort of hot potato that my friends can pass around and run their hands all over??? Are you a hoe now?? Is that your goal? am I not good enough??” Jungkook scram in your face as his face grew a gross shade of red.

For the first time throughout your relationship with Jungkook, you were rendered speechless.

The tears threatening to fall not from sadness, but from complete and utmost anger. Who did he think he was? He had turned your life upside down and he thought he had the right to judge you?

“Jungkook, Yoongi and I are friends, you know that we have been close for a while as FRIENDS.” you replied not knowing what to say exactly to please the man-boy. Your mind running about 100 miles per hour. You just wanted to fast forward ahead and get this night over with.

“Yeah friends, sure whatever you say (y/n)” he said grabbing his beanie and stomping away towards the door, the ice on the table melting….forgotten. He turned to look at you one more time and you could see him fighting a battle inside his dark brown orbs. He walked back towards you and captured your lips in a rough yet breathtaking kiss.

Your hands consumed themselves in his broad back pulling him in even closer. You craved his warmth more than anything in the world. He was your safety net, he was your comfort blanket.

Jungkook bit your lower lip causing you to moan into the kiss intensifying it. He walked you backward into your open bedroom door. He laid you down softly on the bed, and he paused looking down at you. His eyes traveling across your face like he wanted to map out every single freckle as if they were stars in the sky and he was about to become a blind man. You scrunched up your nose getting a bit self-conscious. A gentle smile appeared on his face contrasting the previous argument that was no longer existent in your mind.

You whispered, “I love you”

He bends down to capture your lips “I love you too”

His hands peeled your clothes slowly gracing your skin ever so softly. Feathery like kisses sprinkled across your neck traveling down, marking a path to what you knew was going to shoot you up to the stars.

As he lifted your hips to strip off your last piece of clothing you noted a lone tear escaping his eyes, but before you could ask what was wrong, he thrusted deep into you making you swallow down your questions and insecurities.

The blanket now cocooning your bodies as you moved in sync with each other, a sweaty beautiful mess.

You knew something was off when your eyes opened to an empty bed, empty kitchen, and half of an empty closet. Jungkook was nowhere to be found and neither was his clothes. Even the old worn out ones you had treasured from before you both became an item were missing.

Your hands trembled with anxiety as you reached towards your phone. 25 missed called, none from Jungkook. You ignored the notifications and dialed the number you now had as memorized as your own name.

Disconnected. The line had been disconnected. The beep on the other line ringing endlessly, but you didn’t give up. After 50 calls, your neurons decided to assist you, and you dialed Yoongi. After 3 rings he answered sounding worried.

“Hey, how are you doing?? I heard” he asked in a quiet serious tone.

“What happened Yoongi?? Tell me what the fuck is going on??” you asked breaking down in nervous tears.

Yoongi sighed into the phone “I’ll be right there”

“No don’t. Meet me at the studio” you said in a rush and hung up the phone.

  You slammed the door to your car as you turned it on and rushed out of the parking space. Much to your luck, you had gotten stuck at 5 pm traffic. Your anxiety causing you to hyperventilate. You raised the volume of your radio and the ac in your car. Your finger tapping a rhythm against the steering wheel.

You looked anxiously at your watch. It had already been 10 minutes in traffic and the line was still not moving. You regret your decision to take your car.

The radio suddenly caught your interest “And now a brand new song featuring one of our hometown artists who has taken off to the big city with a shiny new contract. We wish you the best of luck!”

Your heart accelerated, Yoongi’s voice telling Jungkook something about a radio station coming into mind, but this couldn’t be Jungkook.

 “You made plans and I, I made problems

We were sleeping back to back

We know this thing wasn't built to last and

Good on paper, picture perfect

Chased the high too far, too fast

Picket white fence, but we paint it black

Ooh, and I wished you had hurt me harder than I hurt you

Ooh, and I wish you wouldn't wait for me but you always do

I've been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn't

Somebody's taking care of all of the mess I've made

Someone you don't have to change

I've been hoping

Someone will love you, let me go” Jungkook’s soft voice blasted through the speakers.

 Your silent tears had become hysterical. The lyrics to the song hitting you like an 18-wheeler ramming head into your small beat up beetle. The song you were assuming had been written about Tabi.

 Arriving at the studio had felt like ages, and when you saw Yoongi waiting for you outside walking aimlessly from side to side as if he was as lost as you, you broke apart in his arms.

He caressed your hair “I promise I had no clue. He said he had told you. He said you were going with him. I even helped him pick out an apartment in the city. He was excited about moving WITH YOU to a new city”

You looked into his sad familiar eyes “Yoongi, how long?”

“What?” he asked confused.

“How long has he known about this? About the city? About the contract?” you asked desperately for answers you knew were just going to hurt you more.

“About 10 months ago, he got scouted by one of our talent agents, and he got asked to write a song and send in a demo. About 3 months ago he started writing a song…….and we finished it 2 weeks ago” he said summarizing the betrayal that had been Jungkook.

Jungkook had never really believed in a future with you. 10 months ago you were celebrating your 2nd month anniversary playing video games with endless pizza and chips, and now as you stared at your broken reflection against Yoongi’s glasses, you came to the realization the song might have been about you.

 Yoongi went back to your apartment and made you a burned toast for dinner. He tried cracking jokes, failing miserably at making you smile. You kicked him out nicely at 12am, as your feet dragged you lifelessly to your once shared bedroom. His belongings completely gone, but the memories more present than ever. You made your way into your bed wrapping the blankets around you from head to toe. His scent strong against your nose. You buried your face in his pillow and screamed as loud as you could. You scram and cried till your eyes gave up, and your heart and brain surrendered into a sleeping coma to let your body rest from all the pain.

  The next morning you were mad. Scratch that; you were furious. The sadness from the previous day had gone down the drain replaced by outrageous rage. The alarm clock turned on the radio station as if on cue playing Jungkook’s now HIT SONG according to the DJ.

You heard knocking on the door and you stomped your way to open it. The anger glowing in your eyes made Yoongi want to hide behind the brown bag full of donuts he had brought to cheer you up.

The tears in your eyes erupting from a dormant volcano as soon as you saw Yoongi at your doorstep, looking fully awake and quite scared instead of his sleepy grumpy self.

You decided at that very moment that you hated change. You hated the red hair that now lay upon your head, you hated the piercing on your tongue, you hated the way Jungkook’s number was no longer a mystery but carved in your memory, you hated how empty your apartment was, but most of all you hated the emptiness in your heart you could’ve avoided by not letting Jungkook in after that first one night stand.

Yoongi walked into your apartment after building courage setting the bag on the table and starting a pot of coffee. Caffeine had always been the best remedy for his everyday problems, and right now it seemed like you needed a bit of a boost.

You frowned at the dark cup of coffee in front of you as you bit at a donut as if it was Jungkook’s head. Yoongi frowned not used to seeing you in such a horrible state.

“Do I look like garbage Yoongi??” you asked the boy sitting across from you.

He set his coffee mug down and looked deep into your eyes.

“No (y/n), you are seriously one of the most beautiful treasures I have been granted in my life, and you are the closest to a best friend that I will ever have. You did not deserve any of this shit, the problem wasn’t you” he said holding your trembling hand in his large calloused one “I am sorry (y/n) I should’ve tried to keep you away, I didn’t think stuff would end up like this. But just a tip…. sometimes showers are good for the soul…..and other things”

“Yoongi you warned me, you warned me several times and it fell on deaf ears. It is not your fault...it is all mine. I fucked up...just like I always do “ you said with a bitter laugh “Karma is a bitch after all”

Yoongi looked at you with saddened eyes, “(Y/n), whatever you are thinking don’t please. I know you must be thinking the worst right now but give life a chance. Sometimes shit happens, but it happens for a reason. You were too good for Kook anyway. You think you are a fuck up?? Then he was times ten.”

You smiled sadly at Yoongi “You think so?”

He stood up and wrapped his arms around you. His warmth reminding you of Jungkook, but you couldn’t help but notice how much bulkier Jungkook’s arms were. Yoongi kissed your cheek shyly “I know so”

A week. It had been a week and no word from your Houdini.

The sheets now lay cold in your bed, the essence of him still lingered for you have not been able to sleep in the bed you had once shared with the person you thought would be the love of your life. You walked aimlessly around your apartment seeking proof that he had existed, the pictures framed on your wall not good enough to satisfy your need for him.

Why would he leave so unexpectedly right after making love?

You sighed completely annoyed at yourself?

You were being weak while he was in his prime, being showered with all kinds of rewards. You looked back at the blankets, your dry tears in your cheeks feeling sticky against your hand.

If he was done with you, you were done with him.

You had already wasted too much time chasing after a person you weren't even sure wanted to be chased in the first place. You were better than this.

Determined and numb to any Jungkook related emotions you marched towards the bed ripping away the sheets in which he used to lay and walked straight out of the apartment.

Half the blanket dragging behind you like a tail, you walked away throwing them out of your life along with your memories of Jungkook.

There on the floor beneath the bed though, a letter that had been wrapped around the blankets went unnoticed, your name scribbled on the front along with a crooked heart.

 ----

“I really do not think you should be doing this” Yoongi said trying to take away the lighter that you grasped tightly in your fist. Yoongi was on his way to your flat when he noticed your figure walking around with your bedsheets. His curiosity allowing you to proceed in your strange endeavors, but as soon as your lighter made an appearance it was game over. The blanket had been placed in your apartment complex’s trash, but even then, the mere thought of the blankets existing irked you. Fire was the only answer to your current predicament, and you did not even care about any future consequences.

You lit the corner of the blanket, and before you knew it, a blaze had ignited setting the rest of the trash surrounding them in different shades of orange.

“Holy Shit” Yoongi whispered as the fumes started to make him cough.

The fire growing faster than you would have imagined causing your neurons to properly function again, you looked at Yoongi completely panicking “What the fuck do you think you are doing?? Call the fire department. I fucked up! “

Yoongi nodded quickly taking out his phone

Not even a minute later the sirens blasted through your neighborhood ready to put out the fire in the trash can. You wondered if you stood right in front of the pressured water hose, would it put out the fire that was burning from within your heart as well??

 Bullshit.

This was utter bullshit.

“One thousand seven hundred dollars!!! What the fuck? All I did was burn some blankets outside” you scram looking at the court fee you had just received in the mail.

 “Well, you did almost light up your apartment building??” Danielle said shaking her head as she sat down in what now was her usual seat aka Namjoon’s lap.

 You rolled your eyes at her, ready to argue your case, but before you could Danielle stood up pulling Namjoon along with her. Her slim figure not giving away the Hulk she has hidden within. Namjoon smiled at her like a love-sick puppy. You gagged playfully as she walked next to you ready to head out the door.

She looked at you suggestively as she gave you a wink “Anyway, we better head out. The rest of the kiddos are waiting for us in the Garage. See you there LATER” she said enunciating the last sentence, not really giving you a choice of whether you would make an appearance or not.

 “You too Yoongi, behave,” she told him as she bit her lip suggestively. The color of your cheeks brightening as you tried hiding the fact that you had noticed her not so subtle hint at Yoongi.

 Yoongi and you had grown closer with the passing months, other than school and work you had spent every waking moment together. The line between friendship and romance growing thinner and thinner by the minute, but when Yoongi tried to jump over the boundary, there was always something holding you back. Jungkook.

Even though he was long gone, you couldn’t shake him off. He was everywhere you looked. He was in the raindrops that kissed your skin in the evenings when memories of him twirling you around as he hummed a song to end it with a slow passionate kiss came to mind. He was in the late mornings when you would wake up at 11, and you would have a tough time deciding whether you wanted a late breakfast or early lunch, when back, when he was around Jungkook, would flip a coin, before you would instead end up having to eat dinner. Jungkook was behind every Superhero movie or comic book, the lines of some memorized due to the endless replays, courtesy of Jungkook. He had become a permanent mark. A tattoo that you thought would wash off with water and soap, but instead, it had turned into a lifetime commitment. Something you sometimes completely despised and regretted while at times you treasured it like it was the most beautiful piece of art.

There were days where you laid in bed, replaying your last day with him over and over again, wondering where you went wrong. Your head commanding your heart to move on, but your heart played deaf not following orders.

Yoongi had been your aloe vera. He had been there for you on your down days when the urge to google Jungkook’s name had become so tempting, you had turned your computer off and on over 100 times. He had studied with you a few hours before your class when you had forgotten to study because Jungkook thoughts had clouded all of your reasoning the night before. He had stood with you in court sharing your punishment over a stupid immature decision because of those stupid blankets. Yoongi had been there, all along from the beginning he had never gone away. Why did your heart keep pining for someone who was no longer there? It was just like chasing a ghost…..

 Yoongi’s head rested on your lap while he scrolled through his phone. His eyes moving slowly from side to side as he read an article that was obviously interesting to him. His facial expressions had become easier to read now, and you could tell he was deeply intrigued. You were but a pillow to him at the moment, so you decided to take the opportunity to admire the man who has stood beside you. His long fingers moving fluidly with ease, you could tell easily he played an instrument. His pouty lips hiding one of the cutest rarest of smiles you had ever seen. His nose a little button that sometimes scrunched up reminding you of a little kid. He was cute. He was handsome. Why couldn’t the butterflies in your belly flutter around for him?

 “You look a little troubled” Yoongi’s deep voice snapped you out of your thoughts. You looked up to stare into his brown eyes that were now leveled with yours.

“I am not...not at all I just…”

“Did you forget I can read you like the back of my hand?” he said pinching your cheek playfully as if you were a little girl.

You gave him a smile, that unwillingly turned into a pout, “I just don’t get it”

“Don’t get what??” he asked tilting his head to the side.

 You stood up from the couch and walked towards the window not daring to make eye contact with him, “Why it still hurts…. Why I can’t move on. Why are there days where I feel perfectly fine like he never existed only to wake up the next feeling like I can’t stand up because I am missing a part of me? I want to know why I did this to myself. I want to know why my brain is telling me to move on, but my heart is not having it. I want to confess that when I look at you I want to love you, but for some reason, something is holding me back….he is holding me back Yoongi, and I don’t know if he will ever let me go”

 Yoongi looked down at his hands, his phone forgotten beside him. He looked up at your now hunched figure across from him. Tears flowing down, something that hasn’t happened in a while, at least not in front of him. Yoongi stands up following your footsteps as he crouches down to level your face with his. His hand caressing the side of your face, wiping a few tears before he tilts your head up to look at him. Your eyes shyly meeting his. His breath hitting lightly on your lips as a scent of mint takes over your senses completely hypnotizing you.

Before you knew it, his hand had fallen away from your face, his wide eyes now focused on the direction of the front door.

“Kook?” he whispered in shock.

Your breathing hitched paralyzing you in place, barely gaining enough momentum to face towards the direction Yoongi was staring at.

Jungkook stood there in one of his usual white shirts, his face completely pale as he took in the sight before him.

He looked from Yoongi’s eyes to yours, a look of absolute betrayal taking over his previous shaken expression.

“THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?” he scram walking forward completely furious at the man in front of you.

Before Yoongi could react, Jungkook was already holding him by the collar, pulling his fist back to aim a hard blow right upon his face.

You stood up quickly due to the adrenaline rushing through your veins. The confusion in your brain muted, to try and pacify the upcoming fight.

“Jungkook, put him down, nothing was going on,” you said trying to pry his hands off the man’s shirt.

“What are you saying (y/n), I can’t hear you with all that shit pouring out of your mouth,” Jungkook said completely furious.

His eyes practically glowing red with anger.

“Jungkook seriously let him go, we were just talking,” you said as you soothingly touched his neck, “Please babe”

Jungkook took a deep breath as he set Yoongi back down on his feet.

Yoongi looked confused at the younger boy standing in front of him “What the fuck bro! Where did you go? Why didn’t you call or anything?? We were all worried”

“You didn’t seem that worried a minute ago” Jungkook replied looking directly at you accusingly.

“Hey, don’t talk smack, she didn’t have a clue of where you were or what you were doing, you just disappeared,” Yoongi said trying to stand protectively in front of you.

“What are you talking about?? I left her a note. On the bed right before I left. I was scared, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to drag her with me to something that could potentially fall apart and leave us homeless” Jungkook explained.

You stared at him confused “Note??”

“Yes, I left you a letter, right beside where you were sleeping on top of the blankets” he replied, “Wait did you even read the letter? Did you even see it?”

You looked down completely baffled by your own stupidity. You met his eyes and then scurried towards the room you had once shared with him. The urge to look through every corner for the mysterious letter taking a front seat in your mind. It didn’t even take you 10 seconds to find the letter, it was neatly laying underneath your bed as if it was placed there by magic. The urge to facepalm yourself almost winning over your urge to cry in absolute dismay.

This letter right here was about to mend you or break you all over again.

 You looked back towards the door, the two boys standing there frozen in place. You looked at them both as silence took over the room. The letter in your hand felt like it was burning through your emotions. Nothing mattered more than the words written down in that piece of paper.

 Yoongi looked at you for a second and then back at Jungkook. An expression of defeat as he uttered “I think I should go”

You looked at him through your tear-filled eyes “I am sorry Yoongi”

 “Just….call me. Let me know you are okay before you head to bed” he said as he walked off. Not even giving Jungkook a second glance. Yoongi’s heart had been stomped on and it was all your fault.

 “I am sorry Yoongi” you whispered again as your focus went back to the item in your hands.

  (y/n),

I am sorry for taking off without saying goodbye, but I know how much you hate them.

If you take 15+ minutes to hang up on a phone call I would never leave the apartment.

I will be back though I promise. I am leaving without my phone or anything. I want this to be as quick as possible to get back to you. Once I assure this is not a too good to be true gimmick I’ll be back for you my love. We will move to the city together and I will make you mine forever. I love you so much and I am sorry for doing this without any prior notice. We have been through so much together already that a few months will be nothing on us.

You can hit me, scratch me, and make me your sex slave for years to come after I come back, but please do not forget about us. Do not give up. Be strong for me my love, like I’ll be strong for you. Listen to my radio shows and tv interviews, you will be mentioned in each one till I am back in your arms. I LOVE YOU!!!!

 Your KookieMonster

  Jungkook laid in your bed listening to the whole fiasco that had happened while he was gone. A smile of amusement plastered on his face much to your surprise. You were expecting yelling, and an endless number of accusing fingers your way, but all you got were smiles and chuckles in his behalf.

 “Why are you laughing??” you said crossing your arms and pouting “I was broken, I hated you, and I am now 2,000 dollars in debt to the city”

 “I am laughing because you could’ve avoided all this shit if you did your adulting correctly and actually did your bed,” he said as he stood up and walk towards you.

 The tears that you were holding back spilling out like a leaky faucet, “It hurt…. it hurt so much”

 “I know babe, but I am here now,” he says cradling in his arms. Those arms you have missed so much.

 “I love you so much …..so so much” you whispered as you peppered kisses along his face.

 He grasps your face in between his two hands and finally your lips meet. Desperation evident in every lick and bite.

A moan escapes your lips as you let him guide you back into bed. The past is forgotten and ripped away with every piece of clothing that was starting to pile up onto the floor.

 Jungkook backs away after both of your shirts are off, snapping you out of your heated hunger.  Your arms shooting automatically upward to pull him back to you.

“Wait are you sure you want to do this??” he asked with half-lidded eyes.

The same eyes you have dreamt about every night since you have last seen them were in front of you once again……. And your heart...your stupid heart…..is the one you follow as you kiss him again answering his previous question.

He stops you once again causing you to sigh in annoyance.

“Mood killer,” you say playfully as he scurries to get something from his pant’s pocket.

He pops out a ring and lands himself on one knee.

The confusing in your face is quite evident for her tries to explain what is happening before you reject him.

“It is not a wedding proposal….it’s a promise. I know I fucked up when I left you behind. From now on I promise I will never leave your side, and once we are up and not in debt we will do the whole white dress and big party thing” he says reassuring you.

You smile at him replaying his words in your head and then something clicks “Wait, what do you mean in debt??”

He shrugs his shoulders as if he was a child about to be scolded, “Well I kind of broke the contract when I came back here. I just couldn’t stand being without you anymore….I couldn’t so I left”

“Wait….you know you could’ve called me right?” you asked searching his eyes.

He dismissively shook his head “Not the same, plus I doubted you would’ve answered the phone when I didn’t even give you a proper see you later”

You rolled your eyes…..

“(y/n), my knee,” he said making a faint yelp as he tried to keep balanced “It is getting numb”

“Silly, stand up,” you said trying to pull him up.

“NOT TILL YOU ANSWER,” he said in between his teeth clearly in pain but stubborn as hell.

You looked at the boy in front of you. The one that had made you jump through hoops and see the world in a different perspective in a matter of months. The guy who was a complete and utter fuck up just like you.

You kissed him hard letting every emotion out in that kiss.

He looked at you dreamily “Is that a yes??”

“I’ll let you know in the morning,” you said as you grasped him from the arms and pulled him towards you, your new blankets about to be blessed by both your bodies tangling and fusing into one.

Whatever tomorrow brought doesn’t matter as long as there was a Jungkook in your life….. No matter how, where, or when….as long as he was beside you.

[lighthouseofthewanderess]

Experiment

Have you ever done something you clearly know isn’t meant for you? If yes, welcome to the club of Unlucky yet Brave Experimenters. UBE was a one member secret club for the longest time before the founder, me, dissolved it out of realization that life itself was about experimenting. But I could resurrect it and we can pretend to be the Illuminati or something.

My years of experimenting started long ago. I don’t know if we can count it, but I ate chalk when I was in kindergarten. In my head, I had eaten earth from the garden and it had tasted so rich. The texture was brilliant, and the color stuck to my fingertips. Some of the earth got under my nails and I could snack on that later. Chalk I thought was no different. But when I ate it, oh boy it tasted so much better! It even came in an easy stick format to break off into bites. My grandpa on my mother’s side looked amused every time I bounced up to him demanding slate chalk. I would always say it got over,  I’m studying well, or that my friends stole it from me. He willingly gave into my trickery till he caught me chewing on it while practicing my alphabets on the slate. I just couldn’t help it; I need to think and chewing chalk helped. After that, my grandpa made it a rule that I drink a glass of milk -- “she’s eating chalk because her body needs calcium.” he would scold my grandma like it was her duty to have figured this out before him.

Anyhoo, I kept UBE a secret affair. The caterpillar that just won’t float on water? I really thought they were capable of it. The dolls with eyes carved out and replaced with marble? Why was it creepy, she had beautiful eyes now. For a long time I stuck to things around me and it fueled my curiosity but I also got bored of it too soon. I gave it up  -- for the poor butterflies, the ants, and flowers that were getting tortured by me. My heart was a noble one. Head held high I went about life accepting things the way they were. Then I got the brilliant idea of experimenting with myself. The mission was simple; do one unexpected thing every day. What was I on the search for? The million different parts of me that make me who I am. It started with the coloring. My teachers in India complained that I might have an eye problem. “She is coloring roses blue and all.” I wish I can see their faces now when there’s not just blue but black roses as well. Ha! Then I thought why not fight for the things I believed in. I undid the red ribbon of a girl in class and when she yanked it from my hand, I yanked it back. It turned into a fight just like I expected and we stood on top of the benches and wrestled with each other. That experiment ended up with bruised elbows and a 100 ‘I am sorry’ on the blackboard. Damn that girl. I was just trying to see if I had a fighter in me. UBE would have to some basic rules that saved them from situations like this. Rule #1: If your experiment involves a person, an animal, a flower or any living thing… do not harm it. Fate will boomerang back. That left me the only choice of putting myself in awkward situations. After pre-school, mom would take about 2 hours to come pick me up. Her job was tricky. So I would play around, seesaw on my own or just sleep on benches. A light bulb went off in my head during one of those slumbers. Next day after I finished up, I climbed the stairs and sat inside the 5th grade class. The teacher didn’t object, the students welcomed me with open arms. Literally. They picked me up and took turns seating me on their lap. The blackboard swarmed with letters and symbols I didn’t understand but I stared at it fully in awe. In my eyes,  this experiment was a successful one. I would come back and wait right on time for mom to pick me up. I was so used to the routine that even the lunch my mom packed would be forgotten, eaten only minutes before she arrived. One unlucky day she caught me eating my lunch, which had kind of gotten spoilt in the summer heat, on the steps by myself. I looked super content, but my mom almost burst into tears. After that she got an aaya to pick me up right after school and keep me with her, make sure I was fed on time. Time for UBE to have another rule. Rule #2 - Tread with caution when there are moms involved. They have the power to banish all experiments.

With these two rules, I had my fill of experimenting without hurting anyone for years. Even in the US. Climbing trees, hanging like a bat, fries in my ice cream. Life was so rich when every day was a new affair. There was one time I took UBE to the next level. A midnight release of a new Harry Potter book was announced. There would be games and exciting gifts, almost the whole school was going. But I wasn’t a fan. I knew nothing the other potter heads knew. Rise to the experiment, oh brave one I told myself and dragged my mom with me. At the library every one had dressed up. Polaroids were being clicked. There were cauldrons with little wands. There was a line of people waiting to answer and get their prizes. I happily went and stood there. As my turn approached, I didn’t have the slightest fear that I wouldn’t be able to answer. The point wasn’t to win, it was to experiment. The lady at the counter asked me a question.

“What was the name of Ron’s brothers?” Um, no clue. I shook my head. The line behind me gasped. I heard them whisper that I didn’t know even the basics.

“Okay. Here’s an easy one, hon.” She asked me about the platform number. Someone in line even offered to answer for me. I shook my head again.

“I just wanted to know what the prize was, that’s all.” I said to her, shrugging my shoulders. She smiled and gave me one last questions.

“Who are Muggles?” I paused to give it a thought. The line was getting restless, they hated my guts. Well, everyone has to human right? Plus she used ‘who’.

“Humans?” I stated. Everyone broke into an applause and some even clapped me on my back. Well done they said. At least you know the difference between the wizard and the human world. I was just happy I get the gift. It was a pack of gummy worms. Aw man, really? Rule  #3: A smart experimenter assesses risks.

From there I went on try one thing after another. Spanish classes. Adding ‘ito’ to everything didn’t work so I stepped out of class. Bharatnatyam went on for a bit but Ballet was more fascinating. Swimming felt like I still needs to sprout some fins so I made a mental note to try it out later. Caramel apples. Plaster-of-Paris. Swinging from the door. They all went down in UBE’s history. I remember playing the piano for a recital. I practiced with a Casio keyboard at home and rendered the beautiful ‘To a wild rose’ by McDowell. Bach. Beethoven. It started getting too sad for some reason. Switch to something else. Karate. Held onto that till the gold belt and then tossed that away too. I was super restless. I was focused so much on getting my little feet into everything that I never stuck to anything for too long. What if I’m meant to do something more? Ice skating. The flute. Singing.  It was all a whirlwind when I look at it now. I don’t even know if I had a favorite hobby. Well, maybe climbing trees. But I couldn’t choose one. Too much experimenting. Rule #4: UBE practices a good interval between two experiments. To learn and experiment better in the future.

Somehow, on the way to India, I lost UBE. Maybe I packed it with the wrong boxes. Maybe I have to join another secret club when I land there. I knew it the minute cranberry juice was placed in front of me, a thousand feet above sea level. I didn’t feel like trying it out. What? That doesn’t normally happen. I tried to sleep it off. Then I blamed it on the jet lag. Then came the ‘national’ language called Hindi and what a horrible experiment. When my Principal, John Zachariah, admitted me in the middle of the year he asked me why I was hell bent on Hindi. Why not try French? “I am a secret experimenter” I whispered when my mom stood far, straining to hear what we were discussing. In a year, I changed that to Tamil, another experiment but a successful one at that. I tried my hand at throwball, loved the matches in the rain. For the sports day, I did the ridiculous thing of trying out for tug-o-war. Here was another joke -- this girl was underwait, a thin fragile thing and she fainted a lot. But when pitched with others at the tryout, I won all three. Pure bone weight. All those glasses of milk and chalk must have nursed my bones. The last significant thing I tried, apart from writing, was the National Cadet Corps. NCC in a lot of ways made me tougher, even thought I was just eyeing the 15% marks that would come out of it. On my first NCC camp, I tried a lot of new things and every night I would ache all over but feel intensely successful as a member of UBE. In the early morning jogs and yoga, I came to realize two things about me. I am not a morning person and Yoga made me sleeps. And just like that, I was able to draw observations about myself after every lab session. Even from the ones I think I would suck at the most. Rule #5 - When you’re unsure about it, that’s the UBE sixth sense telling you that you have to do it.

I have been following these rules for a long time now. I have surprised myself time and again with the things I set out to do. Solo travel. Tattoos. Gardening. Oh what the hell, even babysitting. And I think the only mistake one can make as a member of UBE is fearing the outcome. That gives birth to normalcy and monotony. The kind that makes you pick the same things from a menu, the same colors from the clothes aisle. Choose a heavier ball when you go bowling, take a different route to work, eat Doritos with chopsticks. Sometimes I’ve taken a chance on people too; meeting them once just to see how it goes. I love getting to know them and experimenting in understanding what I feel for them. Even if this goes against Rule#1, I know I wouldn’t harm them no matter what. I know to step back from there. One can argue that repetition of certain tasks and decisions forms tastes, styles, and shapes one’s personality. And I agree. Yes, comfort in the familiar is a safe thing, but then again as Tove Lo puts it, ‘If you had any flavor in the world, would you still choose vanilla?’

[madokasoratsugu]

therefore you and me post-production notes (or: murphy’s law as a project that has been two years in the making)

ive had this idea for ‘therefore you and me’ and Fritz ever since i first played CindPhenon. nothing ever fell into place until i played Evermore though, so here we are!

drafting this project was pretty easy tbh (see: hubris). the parallel imagery and everything about the lyrics was right up my alley aha.

fun thing with the lyrics: TadanoCo uses ‘要る (iru)’ in the line ‘Which do you want (iru)? Or do you want neither (iranai; aka negative form of ‘iru’)?’

‘ 要る ‘ as a verb can mean ‘to be wanted’ or ‘to be needed’. 

hence, the line can also be read: ‘Which do you need? Or do you need neither?” or any other variation of the verb’s usage. 

it’s halfway through drawing the lineart that murphy’s law began. 1) i drew ~15 panels on the wrong dimensions, and had to redraw them all (lol), re-grey tone (LOL), and re-ink (LOLOL). it was not a fun three days.

then i lost momentum because of lunar new year (happy late lunar new year btw! happy year of the ox :”) )

anyway: the moment i regained momentum for the project again, i hit a roadblock in the form of overconfident, sloppy drafting (see: hubris is my downfall). 

because of the lack of clear drafting for certain panels (and changes to previous panels), i had to redraft two different sections of the PV while keeping in mind that there was the bridge still to be drafted. fun ! 

i decided to simplify the bridge. can you believe it was supposed to be another animation. i can’t. so i scrapped it.

(slight tangent. Evermore’s release honestly cleared up a lot of uncertainty regarding the direction of the PV and whether or not to include Fritz’s mother (who I still fondly call Beatrice). im really happy the PV never came to fruition before Evermore’s release, as im not sure i would have done half as good a job without Evermore’s content.)

back to the hubris of proceeding with a messy draft - there was a lot of push and pull internally for me as to how much i should keep to the original PV and how much i should just put my spin on things. i ended up doing a bit of half-and-half, i think. 

but really, it only delayed things as i ended up redrafting and having multiple drafts of certain panels haha//

the last two choruses were honestly my favourite parts to draw. the shift from Varg’s clothes and colours to Fritz, Fritz’s acceptance of Varg and the soft way Varg looks at Fritz (and no one else). there’s something cathartic about acceptance and acknowledgement. i think that’s what i aimed to really capture.

also: in between drawing all the panels, murphy’s law 2) my Evermore itchio game file ? got deleted off my computer ? 

it’s a very old, barely functional brick so im lowkey unsurprised but at the same time it was a crazy experience and setback when i needed to reference certain scenes. oh, and Steam decided to not download Evermore too. i still haven’t fixed that one. haha. ha.

i have screenshot posters to thank for uploads of certain CGs, although im still pretty sure its best not to post a ton of those publicly at one shot?

also, i had to scrap the recreation of the famous ‘did you love Varg’ scene because of this aha. looking back now, i think it worked out. 

(another tangent: using referencing as an excuse, i actually took the opportunity to replay Fritz’s route for the third time. i ended up checking nothing at all and falling in love with the masquerade scene again.) 

up till the very end, im still not sure if everyone got that the line “You are love itself.” was meant to be said by Lucette to Fritz. i colour-coded Lucette with her own unique blue for the PV, which was the same hue as the line. i hope that it got across, aha.

with that said, video production was a whole entanglement in and of itself. i think murphy’s law really took up a hammer and swung hard at this stage.

timing was actual hell. im usually not this bad at it, but this project in particular was tricky bc TadanoCo uses a lot of background beats that aren’t overt, which his PV also matches - i think? or maybe im just not good at recognising beats from lack of video/music production haha//

hence there were certain scenes i was stuck at and kept revising because i wasnt clear where the beat was meant to be, what transitions i should use, and when the transitions should be.

subtitling was actually really fun! until i rendered my first version and realised all the subtitles were completely off and blurry.

turns out my project properties were different from my video properties, hence the off-alignment. huh. didnt know those were Actual Things(tm). 

also, quick tip to all vid-making amateurs like me out there: you may have to double the dimensions of the font’s media properties if you dont want them to come out fuzzy. another thing i didnt know lol. 

anyway all this lead to: me needing to spend another evening to redo subtitles. haha. it was not a fun two back-to-back 3am nights + extra evening afterward.

in between all this was countless rendering tests to guess-and-check what’s causing numerous errors in the video btw.

and with those rendering tests came: glaring mistakes in the panel art that i only now spotted and had to fix, and refix, and refix again. then reimport into sony vegas, put it into the video, render and double check if it’s alright. rinse and repeat countless times ! haha ! PV making is fun !

i think i nearly redid a certain scene with the exact same panels once. like i said: not a fun two 3am nights.

that said: i dont know how all this technical issues (and more) popped up and were resolved over two 3am nights and one evening. im not about to question it either. 

at this point: panel art - fixed ! subtitling all redone ! render works fine, everything checks out.

i make the mistake of uploading it directly to yt instead of leaving it unlisted first.

murphy’s law 3) when im watching the vid on yt, the yellow parts in the second verse were completely unable to be seen. 

panic put it on unlisted. people are already watching it and leaving (very sweet) comments. panic delete it.

btw if you’re one of the first three commenters reading this: thank you for the quick response !! it means a lot and made me really flustered in a good way :”))

cue me re-colouring those scenes, redo-ing the section and oops, is that a panel in the masquerade scene where Fritz literally is missing his mask ??? 

i think i lost my mind entirely at this point. from then on i was fueled by spite to complete this cursed project.

at thereforeFINAL.mp4, (version five of the full PV, version maybe 10-11 of all the rendered videos, including tests) finally. finally it is done. 

i upload it.

the end !

(except, not really. because here you are at post-production notes detailing the worst luck i’ve ever had with PV making. 

i learnt a lot from this though, and honestly on hindsight i should have learnt all these from my first PV but nothing went wrong at this magnitude so i kinda just...shelved it aha//

but really, im relieved it turned out well, and that i took the time to redo scenes until i was satisfied. for a PV that’s been waiting in the background for two years now, i think this is the least it deserves. 

if the comic about Fritz and Varg (which i referenced in one of the last choruses, i wonder if anyone caught that?) was meant to be a love letter to Fritz’s route, i think this PV ought to be a tribute to the character himself. 

although - hm, this isn’t quite as good a tribute to Fritz as it is to his route, maybe? i don’t know, haha ! maybe it’s just myself wanting to make excuses to create more for him//

i was thinking of continuing on about the PV and it’s significance to Fritz and Varg, but hm. maybe not on this post. maybe some other one, some other time.

but at it’s core, at it’s simplest, most raw - i think i just wanted to explore what it means to Fritz to ‘want’ and to ‘need’ with this PV.

thank you for watching the PV, and thank you for reading this.

- blu.)

[clubakashi]

Chapter 15

a cute story of Akashi and his mini-bokushi by @active-mind-15​

Link to: Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Chapter 12 - Chapter 13 - Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Masaomi sighed as he sat down in a chair near the entrance of their garden. He had been holed up in his office for six hours doing nothing but sorting out paperwork and taking phone calls with business partners. After finally ending the last call and putting his pen down, he took the first chance he got to take a short break. He immediately exited his office and made his way straight outside, where he sat down in one of the seats there. Once the butler had come around with a cup of tea for him, he was left to sit out in the garden in peace. Taking a long sip of the tea, he revered in its calming flavor and allowed his drink to warm him from the inside.

He always came out to the garden to wind down; if it was too cold, he’d sit by the window and stare out into the garden instead. It was something that Masaomi always did, so he could temporarily relieve himself of his duties. It was one of the only times a day he truly had to himself.

At this point in time, it had almost been two weeks since his son left for school. The halfway mark should be coming up in a few days. As soon as Akashi had left, many things had begun to change in the house. Left with his peculiar other self, Masaomi could admit, he was intrigued about the situation. Not enough to think about it for more than five minutes at a time—he was too busy for that— but every time he saw the boy, he couldn’t help but wonder about him. Ever since Akashi left, Bokushi had been spending more and more time out of the house. To that Midorima boy’s house, the man recalled.

Bokushi, more often than not, was going out to his house to spend time with his new friend that he had informed him about. At least twice a week now, when Masaomi asked him what he did all day, the boy would tell him that he spent his day at their house. The last time they talked the night before during dinner, Bokushi had told him that he was currently teaching the girl basketball. He, of course, felt the need to bluntly point out that she initially made a lot of mistakes, but then told him that she was making progress, more than he expected. Masaomi at the time had just nodded his head and replied with his usual “I see” before going back to his food.

Masaomi, going by the knowledge he already had about his son’s condition, assumed Bokushi was the colder personality. But it seemed like that was not the case. He suspected that he too was also changing in not only the time he spent together with Akashi, but in the time they were currently spending apart. Through their short conversations at the dinner tables, Bokushi seems to enjoy his time socializing with the friends he currently has. And even he on occasion was a bit expressive. Albeit less than Akashi, but still expressive. While there were some things he knew, there were still some things that he didn’t know, such as what happened in order for this ‘other self’ to switch with the original Akashi in the first place, or why they switched again after two years. While he understood the big picture, he still had missing information. What really was this boy to his son?

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the door to the back slide open. Masaomi did not bother to turn his head, expecting it to be a staff member, but it wasn’t. Because when the footsteps got closer and closer, they stopped behind where he was sitting and a child’s voice cut through the air.

“Good afternoon, father.”

Masaomi blinked, frowning at the unexpected voice before turning around to find Bokushi standing there. He was staring up at him, heterochromatic gaze and all, holding that horse plush toy he often sees him carrying around. Bokushi’s expression was expectant, waiting for his father to answer back. The middle-aged man nodded at the young boy.

“Good afternoon,” he answered back. “Was there something you wanted me for?”

“No,” Bokushi replied. “I came to sit down if you do not mind my being here.”

“Do as you like.” Masaomi gestured to the chair next to his. “Have a seat.”

Bokushi managed to get onto the chair and get himself settled before proceeding to stare out into the garden with an impassive expression on his face. Masaomi momentarily glanced at him from the corners of his eyes. It was fascinating how both Bokushi and himself both have the habit of staring out into the garden when they have time on their hands. Well, like father like son.

“What brings you out into the garden at this time?” the man asked. Bokushi shrugged.

“I was originally in the library, but it was getting a bit stuffy, and so I decided to come out here.”

“You are not going to spend the day at the Midorima household?”

“Miyoko has, unfortunately, come down with a fever, and since yesterday she has been bedridden. Perhaps when her symptoms subside I will call to see if she’s recovering properly.”

“I see. It would be a shame if her illness persisted.”

“Indeed.”

They both fell silent for a few minutes, neither seeing the necessity of carrying on the conversation for more than it needed to. Both of them were content quietly sitting there. While Bokushi was busy in his own little world as he continued to stare into the garden, however, Masaomi began to observe him. As usual, every time this boy was in front of him, his curiosity got the better of him. While, on most days, he tended to suppress this sudden curiosity, now that he was watching him, Masaomi wanted to know what the boy was thinking. After all, a common trait every Akashi shares is the ability to be completely unreadable. Which is why when the silence was broken again, his attention was on the boy, whose eyes were still looking out into space.

“I’m surprised the flowers managed to survive the winter.”

Masaomi looked ahead at the flowers that were out in the garden. What a strange thing to comment on. Then again, they were in the garden, so taking about flowers was inevitable.

“It requires extensive knowledge about flowers to know how to keep them alive during the winter,” Masaomi responded. “The staff responsible for garden maintenance were adamant on keeping the roses.”

“For good reason,” said Bokushi. “They’re quite pretty. It’d be a pity if they had to get rid of them. Are they planted often?”

“They’re in the garden all year.” Masaomi paused. “They were Shiori’s favorite.”

Bokushi hesitated, slightly taken aback at what his father just said, but continued to stare ahead, feeling the air suddenly shift; but it was not in a bad way. The air wasn’t tense like it was when it usually shifted, but it was instead something else, something different that Bokushi couldn’t place. All he knew was that when his father mentioned his mother, that meant his guard was down. Those moments never came often, and, like a rare gem, it was to be treasured.

“Father…”

The man looked over at the boy, raising a brow in question. “What is it?” he asked him. Bokushi took a deep breath and pushed himself to continue.

“What was mother like?”

The silence that followed wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but when Bokushi looked up at his father, he looked visibly confused. He must not have been expecting me to ask, he thought.

“Were you not once a part of Seijuro?” Masaomi inquired. “You should already know.”

“Au contraire, father.” Bokushi looked down at Yuki, idly playing with his ears as he talked. “I was a part of him, and we do share experiences. However, whatever I have not been around for, I have no knowledge about. I only came into existence after mother had passed. Any memories from ten years prior, I have no access to.”

Masaomi had no idea that this was the nature of Bokushi and his son’s relationship. Akashi had seen everything prior to his wife’s death, and Bokushi was only aware of the aftermath. He had always assumed that this Bokushi character had known everything, but now that he has been told this new piece of information, it makes perfect sense as to why he wouldn’t. But that leaves another question unresolved…

“Why didn’t you ask Seijuro this question?”

His son had all the answers to his queries, he had been there the whole time. Why would Bokushi choose now to ask? And why would he ask him of all people? The answer was simple, apparently, because Bokushi didn’t miss a beat in answering.

“Because I already know how he feels about her,” he said. “I don’t know much about her, but I know what she means to Seijuro-nii. There was never a proper time to discuss a topic like this with him, anyway. With this time and this atmosphere, I thought it best to ask you. Although, if you want to hear my main reason for asking you now, it’s because I wanted to know how you felt about her. So, with that, allow me to rephrase my previous inquiry.” He shifted in his seat, so his whole body was facing his father, his eyes and expression innocent and curious.

“What was mother like to you?”

Masaomi had never been rendered speechless from such a simple question before. Akashi would never have had to ask, which is why he didn’t prepare a proper answer. But now here he was, standing face-to-face with a boy who was basically his son, who had just asked him this question. He huffed out a breath of air almost like he was laughing at his current situation.

What a strange set of circumstances I have been put in…

His expression became a bit relaxed as he set down his cup of tea onto the small table between them.

“Very well,” he answered. “If you are going to be a part of this household, it would only be fair to tell you everything.” He turned his head to look at the sky, eyes distant as he recalled the past.

“I had met her nineteen years ago, at a business function,” he began. “She was accompanying her father to the event, who just happened to be in partnership with my own father, so naturally at every function and gala, we always managed to cross paths.”

“What were your first impressions of her?” Bokushi asked. Masaomi thought for a minute to dive into his memories that were almost two decades old.

“Kind…polite…ever-smiling… Those were qualities that shaped her personality. She was the complete opposite of me, but, as they say, opposites attract.”

“A lot of women in the business world possess those qualities,” Bokushi pointed out. “What made her stand out to you?”

Masaomi hadn’t really put much thought into this before. What Bokushi said was true, every woman within the business world, whether they owned corporations or were simply housewives of the businessmen he associated with, always held themselves up with an air of dignity and grace, and Shiori was no different. If that was the case, then what was it? What did he see in Shiori that he didn’t see in anyone else?

“I suppose…”

Bokushi looked up at the man, tilting his head in interest at what his father was about to say. When he looked into his eyes, however, he saw that they had narrowed in contemplation.

“I suppose it was because she was not afraid of me.” Bokushi’s eyebrows furrowed, perplexed at his father’s reasoning.

“Afraid?” he parroted.

“Yes. Perhaps that was why I was taken with her.” Masaomi nodded to himself, satisfied with his answer, and then continued. “As you know, our family name is well-known in the business world. There isn’t a single corporation who doesn’t know who we are. Even in international waters, the most prestigious and distinguished of businessmen and women would know who I am. As such, when I introduce myself at any type of event, people are automatically intimidated. And yet…” He paused, sounding puzzled all of a sudden. “She was never intimidated by me. And she treated me like a normal individual, never resorting to using honorifics or bowing anytime I was in her vicinity. She showed her true self to me at all times, her emotions unguarded and her expressions genuine. I have dealt with businessmen and women on a daily basis. Most expressions you see on their faces are, more often than not, ingenuine and dishonest. But every time she smiled, I always knew that she meant it.”

Even though Akashi inherited the majority of his looks from his mother, he was more like his father than he could even imagine. Both he and his father had even the same distaste for uncomfortable distance with the people they were acquainted with. They both didn’t like it when friends (or in Masaomi’s case, colleagues) would act like they were some kind of deity in human form. They both wanted to effectively interact with society without intimidating anyone. Bokushi had known about Akashi (because he was always watching Akashi hold back a cringe in the back of his mind every time someone had called him ‘Akashi-sama’), but he never imagined his father to be the same way. This was becoming quite the revelation for the boy. During the conversation, his father’s voice had considerably softened, and Bokushi had no intention of ruining the mood. He simply nodded, entranced by his father’s memories, and allowed him to carry on.

“There was never any tension between us,” he said. “The air around her was pleasant, and it seemed like I always ended up spending most of my time with her at all the events whether I had taken notice or not; and the more time we spent around each other, the more enchanted I became by her. It was only a matter of time before I had proposed.”

“Were you successful on the first try?”

“A member of the Akashi family must be well-versed in letters and arms, child,” the man quipped. “That includes romance.”

Bokushi took that as a yes.

“After we had been married for a year, we had Seijuro. It was a snowy morning, that December. I can still remember the way she looked when she held him for the first time…”

He was so far deep in his thoughts, he didn’t even realize how much emotion he was actually showing. Not necessarily in his face, but in the tone of his voice. The way it sounded so nostalgic, so soft and quiet as he gazed up at the blue sky. This was a completely new side to Masaomi that not even Akashi had seen. Bokushi wanted to see more of this side, he wanted to ingrain this moment into his memory banks, so he can look back at it for years to come. He wanted his father to keep going.

“What was she like after Seijuro-nii was born?”

“The same as always,” Masaomi told him. “She was excited to have her own child to take care of. Shiori was always watching over Seijuro throughout his childhood. Seijuro had started his education from a very young age, and for as long as I can remember, we had tutors come into the house day in and day out to teach him. Shiori was fine with that, but she always emphasized to me the importance of letting him be a child, in a sense, which is why she gave him that basketball. She would never stop talking about how happy he looked that day.”

Bokushi could picture a young Akashi looking up at his mother with a smile as bright as the sun itself, gripping the basketball in his hands as if it was the most valuable thing on the planet. It probably was, and still is to Akashi, the most valuable thing on the planet. The ball is still in his room, Bokushi sees it in the corner every time he pays a visit. The physical manifestation of Akashi’s happiest memories. An orange basketball from many years ago.

“Were you happy?” Masaomi huffed out a breath of air, considering the answer to this question.

“Happy is not necessarily the word I would use,” Masaomi said slowly. “But if that is what you would like to call it, then yes. In a way, I was. Because Shiori was happy, and Seijuro was happy, I was in turn grateful to be in such a peaceful time with the family that I had built. Those were perhaps the most memorable years of my life. But of course, all good things must come to an end…”

Bokushi watched as his father’s relaxed expression suddenly faded, his lips curling downwards into a frown, his golden eyes clouding over with an emotion he couldn’t fully comprehend.

“It happened so fast,” he murmured quietly. “Her illness, I mean. One day she was here, and then the next…she wasn’t. And all that time in the hospital, as I watched her life fade into nothingness, I had never felt more useless. There were many things I would like to have said, what I should have said to her, but I didn’t. And those regrets still haunt me to this day.”

Akashi Masaomi was a man of many achievements, but this is the first time Bokushi has heard about his regrets. An Akashi never makes mistakes. An Akashi never has regrets…so he’s been taught. But now he sees that it was all an illusion. This realization sent a shiver down the boy’s spine as he thought about the weight of the statement, and the implications that it had. He swallowed.

I wonder what other regrets he has…

“…What did you want to say to her?”

“Many things.” Masaomi sighed and leaned back in his seat. His cup of tea rested near the edge of the table, neglected and long forgotten. “But from all of that, I would have liked to say thank you.” Bokushi faltered.

“…Thank you?”

Masaomi nodded. “Yes,” he said. “I would have wanted to thank her for the time that she was able to give to me. She was perhaps the only person in this world who understood me and accepted me, despite my opposing personality. She gave me—no— she gave both Seijuro and I a reason to appreciate the little things in life and to enjoy every moment. When she passed, it was a dark time in our household; and I admit, painfully, that things were never the same.”

The more Masaomi spoke, the more he came to life with each detailed sentence about their families’ past. Bokushi had never seen so much emotion in his father’s face before. It wasn’t that much, he knew that, but the fact that he was even showing emotion at all spoke volumes to the young boy. Without warning, Masaomi’s eyes shifted away from the garden and locked on to Bokushi’s. In the few seconds that they stared into each other’s eyes, Bokushi felt as if time stopped. Not because of the fact that his father was looking at him, but the way he was looking at him. He sat there, unable to move a muscle, under the scrutinizing gaze of his father. Then, all at once, his eyes softened, the lines on his forehead vanished, and his lips were no longer scowling, now a relaxed thin line across his face. He continued to stare, unblinking.

“You look so much like her…” he murmured. “Just like Seijuro.”

Bokushi’s eyes widened. His father’s voice just now sounded so longing. This was not the voice of the man who was only interested in success. This was not the voice of a man who did not care for his son’s mental state. This was not the voice of a man who did not tolerate defeat.

This was the voice of a man who was hurting.

This was the voice of a man who is hurting…

This was the voice of Akashi Masaomi.

Bokushi now realized that Shiori meant way more to his father than just good company. He had hidden it under that stoic mask of his for years, but he was absolutely sure that this man really, truly, did love her. The young redheaded boy felt a lurch of pain in his chest before bowing his head, catching his father off guard.

“I apologize,” said Bokushi. “It must be difficult for you to look at us because we look so much like her. I wasn’t aware that this was troubling you…”

Why? Why did he feel ashamed? He felt like he couldn’t even look his father in the eyes after what he just said. This whole time, he had been making him out to be such a horrible father but didn’t even think for a minute how his father felt about his mother’s death, what feelings he had been keeping to himself, what feelings he had hidden away. He may have misunderstood his father a bit.

He didn’t know what his father was going to say, not after he just up and apologized out of nowhere. He was afraid to even check to see what kind of face his father was making. Until his father finally spoke, that is.

“Do not apologize.”

The young boy looked up to see that his father’s face was nothing like he imagined. His expression was firm and his voice was stern like he was back to his usual self, but not quite. He was back to having a stare-down with Bokushi, and the young boy felt like he had somehow done something wrong. He blinked.

“I shouldn’t?”

“No. After all, there is nothing to apologize for. It is true that both you and Seijuro remind me of Shiori, and every time I look at you, I am reminded of that loss. However, I think I prefer it this way.” Bokushi cocked his head to the side, not understanding his father’s words.

“I’m sorry…but I don’t know what you mean.” Masaomi sighed letting his eyes fall shut momentarily.

“Losing Shiori was the biggest setback this family had ever experienced. The hallways in the house felt emptier than ever, the silence quieter, and sitting down to dinner was always a reminder that someone was missing. But…” He opened his eyes again and Bokushi could sense the air shift again. The air was thick and heavy, and he found himself holding his breath.

“When I look into your eyes or Seijuro’s, I see the woman that I married as if she had never passed. I realize now that Shiori is not gone. She is alive, and she lives on in the both of you.”

To say that Bokushi was frozen in place was an understatement. This was the first time someone had ever seen him in this light. His heterochromatic eyes, the ones that differentiated him from the original Akashi; the ones he used to intimidate, to threaten, and to bring people to their knees…how can that be possible? How can his father see Shiori in those once cold and uncaring eyes?

Bokushi had always regarded himself as something that should have never existed, but he now sees that he serves as a memory himself of those peaceful times in the Akashi household. All this time he was regarded as nothing more than a defense mechanism, a manifestation of Akashi’s weakness, but he was much more than that. Within him and within Akashi as well, was a part of Shiori that never died. And there were so many different emotions Bokushi was feeling at the moment knowing that his father could associate him with someone so precious to him. His eyes widened, a flush of red beginning to creep onto his face.

If father associates me with someone precious, then does that mean I am also…?

He took a shaky breath.

“Um…Father…”

Masaomi raised a brow when he was called, looking down at the young boy in front of him.

“What is it, child?”

Bokushi hesitated, feeling his father eyes burning holes into his head, but pushed himself to continue, slowly opening his mouth.

“I…”

Suddenly, the door to the entrance of the garden slid open and the butler walked briskly over to where the two were sat.

“Good day,” he greeted. “I apologize for the intrusion but the driver has come to take you to your meeting, Akashi-sama.” Masaomi frowned, looking at the time on his watch and raising his eyebrows when he saw the time.

“Ah,” he said. “It seems I have overstayed my welcome. I had not been keeping track of time. Tell the driver I will be ready in a few minutes.”

“Yes, sir.”’

Masaomi began to walk away, leaving Bokushi staring after him from his chair. Halfway to the door, however, he stopped and turned around to the boy, his face even and his voice level.

“I shall be back later,” he said. Bokushi, still dumbfounded how quickly he went back to normal, simply nodded, unable to verbally respond. Once Masaomi saw that he understood, he continued to walk over to the door and then vanished inside the house, the butler politely excusing himself and trailing after. Bokushi was left alone in the garden.

He sat there for a few moments, staring blankly into space until his body decided to finally move and he slowly slid himself off the chair. He couldn’t even think at the moment. His mind was flooded with so many thoughts and questions that it all just sounded like white noise to him. He had just seen a side to his father that no one had ever seen before, and he had never been more amazed in his entire life.

What did all of this mean? Bokushi was so sure that is father hated his very existence the minute he stepped into the house. But now he wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t sure about anything anymore. Was there more to his father’s personality? Was this his true self? He couldn’t say. But as he walked back towards the door himself, he was able to take away one thing as a light blush formed on his cheeks.

Maybe he likes me after all…

[itsfinancethings]

New world news from Time: Exclusive: The Chinese Scientist Who Sequenced the First COVID-19 Genome Speaks Out About the Controversies Surrounding His Work

Over the past few years, Professor Zhang Yongzhen has made it his business to sequence thousands of previously unknown viruses. But he knew straight away that this one was particularly nasty. It was about 1:30 p.m. on Jan. 3 that a metal box arrived at the drab, beige buildings that house the Shanghai Public Health Clinical Center. Inside was a test tube packed in dry ice that contained swabs from a patient suffering from a peculiar pneumonia sweeping China’s central city of Wuhan. But little did Zhang know that that box would also unleash a vicious squall of blame and geopolitical acrimony worthy of Pandora herself. Now, he is seeking to set the record straight.

Zhang and his team set to work, analyzing the samples using the latest high-throughput sequencing technology for RNA, the viral genetic building blocks, which function similar to how DNA works in humans. By 2 a.m. on Jan. 5, after toiling through two nights straight, they had mapped the first complete genome of the virus that has now sickened 23 million and killed 810,000 across the globe: SARS-CoV-2. “It took us less than 40 hours, so very, very fast,” Zhang tells TIME in an exclusive interview. “Then I realized that this virus is closely related to SARS, probably 80%. So certainly, it was very dangerous.”

The events that followed Zhang’s discovery have since become swathed in controversy. Crises beget scapegoats and the coronavirus is no different. The floundering U.S. response to the pandemic has prompted a wave of racially tinged soundbites, such as “China virus” and “Kung Flu,” as President Donald Trump’s Administration seeks to divert blame onto the nation where the pathogen was first identified. “The outbreak of COVID angered many people in the Administration and presented an election issue for President Trump,” Ambassador Jeffrey Bader, formerly President Obama’s chief adviser on Asia, said at a recent meeting of the Foreign Correspondents Club of China.

Read more: Inside the Global Quest to Trace the Origins of COVID-19—and Predict Where It Will Go Next

Upon first obtaining the genome, Zhang says he immediately called Dr. Zhao Su, head of respiratory medicine at Wuhan Central Hospital, to request the clinical data of the relevant patient. “I couldn’t say it was more dangerous than SARS, but I told him it was certainly more dangerous than influenza or Avian flu H5N1,” says Zhang. He then contacted China’s Ministry of Health and traveled to Wuhan, where he spoke to top public health officials over dinner Jan. 8. “I had two judgements: first that it was a SARS-like virus; second, that the virus transmits by the respiratory tract. And so, I had two suggestions: that we should take some emergency public measures to protect against this disease; also, clinics should develop antiviral treatments.”

Afterward, Zhang returned to Shanghai and prepared to travel to Beijing for more meetings. On the morning of Jan. 11, he was on the runway at Shanghai Hongqiao Airport when he received a phone call from a colleague, Professor Edward Holmes at the University of Sydney. A few minutes later, Zhang was strapped in for takeoff and still on the phone—then Holmes asked permission to release the genome publicly. “I asked Eddie to give me one minute to think,’” Zhang recalls. “Then I said ok.” For the next two hours, Zhang was cocooned from the world at 35,000 feet, but Holmes’ post on the website Virological.org sent shockwaves through the global scientific community.

By the time Zhang touched down in Beijing, his discovery was headline news. Officials swooped on his laboratory to demand an explanation. “Maybe they couldn’t understand how we obtained the genome sequence so fast,” says Zhang. “Maybe they didn’t fully believe our genome. So, I think it’s normal for the authorities to check our lab, our protocols.”

Read more: China Says It’s Beating Coronavirus. But Can We Believe Its Numbers?

Critics of China’s response have latched onto the Jan. 11 date of publication as evidence of a cover-up: why, they ask, didn’t Zhang publish it on Jan. 5, when he first finished the sequencing? Also, Zhang’s lab was probed by Chinese authorities for “rectification,” an obscure term to imply some malfeasance. To many observers, it seemed that furious officials scrambling to snuff out evidence of the outbreak were punishing Zhang simply for sharing the SARS-CoV-2 genome—and in the meanwhile, slowing down the release of this key information.

Yet Zhang denies reports in Western media that his laboratory suffered any prolonged closure, and instead says it was working furiously during the early days of the outbreak. “From late January to April, we screened more than 30,000 viral samples,” says Fan Wu, a researcher who assisted Zhang with the first SARS-CoV-2 sequencing.

And, in fact, Zhang insists he first uploaded the genome to the U.S. National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI) on Jan. 5—an assertion corroborated by the submission date listed on the U.S government institution’s Genbank. “When we posted the genome on Jan. 5, the United States certainly knew about this virus,” he says. But it can take days or even weeks for the NCBI to look at a submission, and given the gravity of the situation and buoyed by the urging of colleagues, Zhang chose to expedite its release to the public, by publishing it online. (Approached by TIME, Holmes deferred to Zhang’s version of events.) It’s a decision that facilitated the swift development of testing kits, as well as the early discussion of antivirals and possible vaccines.

Read more: ‘We Will Share Our Vaccine with the World.’ Inside the Chinese Biotech Firm Leading the Fight Against COVID-19

Zhang, 55, is keen to downplay the bravery of his actions. But the stakes of doing what is right over what one is told are rendered far higher in authoritarian systems like China’s. Several whistleblower doctors were detained early in the pandemic. According to a Jan. 3 order seen by respected Beijing-based finance magazine Caixin, China’s National Health Commission, the nation’s top health authority, forbade the publishing of any information regarding the Wuhan disease, while labs were told to destroy or transfer all viral samples to designated testing institutions. Caixin also reports that other labs had processed genome sequences before Zhang obtained his sample. None were published.

It’s difficult to know what conclusions to draw. Dr. Dale Fisher, head of infectious diseases at Singapore’s National University Hospital, says he doesn’t think that any delay by the Chinese authorities was malicious. “It was more like appropriate verification,” he says. Fisher traveled to China as part of a World Health Organization (WHO) delegation in early February and says outbreak settings are always confusing and chaotic with people unsure what to believe. “To actually have the whole genome sequence by early January was outstanding compared to outbreaks of the past.”

Of course, Zhang’s fears based on the viral genome were just one evidence strut to inform China’s decision-making process, alongside public health data and clinical reports about specific cases. Despite mounting evidence of human-to-human transmission, including doctors falling ill, it was only on Jan. 20 that China officially confirmed community transmission. Two days later, Wuhan’s 11 million residents were placed on a bruising lockdown that would last for 76 days. Even while the WHO publicly praised China for transparency, internal documents seen by the Associated Press suggest health officials were privately frustrated by the slow release of information. One joint study by scientists in China, the U.K. and U.S. suggests there would have been 95% fewer cases in China had lockdown measures been introduced three weeks earlier. Two weeks earlier, 86% fewer; one week, 66% fewer.

Read more: ‘I Told Myself to Stay Calm.’ As Wuhan’s Lockdown Ends, A Doctor Recalls Fighting Coronavirus on the Front Line

Yet there was some historical basis for skepticism about the severity of the emerging viral disease. After all, the last global pandemic—the swine flu outbreak of 2009—was far less deadly than initially feared, mainly because many older people had some immunity to the virus, leading to criticism that the WHO was overly hasty and even overly dramatic in declaring a pandemic when the virology didn’t warrant it. “In China, even though we had a very bad experience with SARS and other diseases, in the beginning nobody—not even experts from China’s CDC and the Ministry of Health—predicted the disease could be quite so bad,” says Zhang.

Donald Trump disagrees. He has repeatedly claimed that swifter action by China could have stopped the pandemic in its tracks. “The virus came from China,” Trump said Aug. 10. “It’s China’s fault.” Beijing concedes that mistakes were made at the outset, though insists that blame lies solely with bungling local officials (who have since been punished for those failures), while the central government’s response was exemplary. This is, of course, its own politically motivated oversimplification. On both sides, wild accusations have eclipsed reason as Sino-U.S. relations spiral to an unprecedented nadir. While U.S. officials have suggested that COVD-19 originated in a Wuhan laboratory, their Chinese counterparts have propagated conspiracy theories that the U.S. military is responsible. “It’s not a good thing for China and the U.S. to be involved in this struggle,” says Zhang. “If we can’t work together, we can’t solve anything.”

Read more: The Coronavirus Outbreak Could Derail Xi Jinping’s Dreams of a Chinese Century

Some facts are undeniable. The first U.S. case was confirmed on Jan. 21—a man in his 30s who had just returned from Wuhan to his hometown in Washington State. Japan confirmed its first coronavirus case one day later, and reported the world’s highest infection number early in the outbreak, before getting a handle on the situation. Today, the U.S. has 16,407 cases per million population compared with 462 in Japan. Across the world, authoritarian and democratic nations have both handled the crisis well and poorly.

For its part, the global scientific community has risen to the challenge, working across national boundaries to advance understanding of the disease, including priceless collaborations between Chinese and Western virologists. Previously, the best described epidemic in terms of viral genetics was the 2014 West African Ebola outbreak. Then, about 1,600 genomes were mapped over three years, providing insights into how viruses move between locations and accumulate genetic differences as they do. But for SARS-CoV-2, following Zhang’s initial genome, scientists mapped about 20,000 within three months. Genomic surveillance enables scientists to trace the speed and character of genetic changes, with ramifications for infection rates and the production of vaccines and antivirals. “Very large-scale genomic screening can evaluate whether any resistance mutations have occurred and, if they do, how those spread through time,” says Oliver Prybus, professor of evolution and infectious disease at Oxford University.

For Zhang, focus must now be on understanding how pathogens and the environment interact. Over the past century, an inordinate number of new viral diseases have emerged in China, including the 1956 Asian Flu, 2002 SARS and 2013 H7N9. Zhang attributes this to China’s diverse ecology and enormous population. Moreover, as China’s economy boomed its people have begun traveling far and wide in search of work, education and opportunities. According to the World Bank, almost 200 million people moved to urban areas in East Asia during the first decade of the 21st century. In China, 61% of the population lived in urban areas in 2020 compared with just 18% in 1978. This brings unknown pathogens and people without natural defenses into close proximity. “People and pathogens must be in contact [for outbreaks],” says Zhang. “If no contact, no disease.”

As urbanization intensifies, outbreaks of pathogenic diseases will only become more common. Mitigation, says Zhang, comes from deeper understanding of viruses, so that we can accurately map and predict which are likely to spill over into human populations. Just as satellites have made forecasting weather patterns unerringly reliable, Zhang believes science holds the key to predicting viral outbreaks with similar accuracy as with which we now anticipate typhoons and tornadoes. “If we don’t learn lessons from this disease,” says Zhang, “humankind will suffer another.”

from Blogger https://ift.tt/31sxKgC via IFTTT

[newstechreviews]

Over the past few years, Professor Zhang Yongzhen has made it his business to sequence thousands of previously unknown viruses. But he knew straight away that this one was particularly nasty. It was about 1:30 p.m. on Jan. 3 that a metal box arrived at the drab, beige buildings that house the Shanghai Public Health Clinical Center. Inside was a test tube packed in dry ice that contained swabs from a patient suffering from a peculiar pneumonia sweeping China’s central city of Wuhan. But little did Zhang know that that box would also unleash a vicious squall of blame and geopolitical acrimony worthy of Pandora herself. Now, he is seeking to set the record straight.

Zhang and his team set to work, analyzing the samples using the latest high-throughput sequencing technology for RNA, the viral genetic building blocks, which function similar to how DNA works in humans. By 2 a.m. on Jan. 5, after toiling through two nights straight, they had mapped the first complete genome of the virus that has now sickened 23 million and killed 810,000 across the globe: SARS-CoV-2. “It took us less than 40 hours, so very, very fast,” Zhang tells TIME in an exclusive interview. “Then I realized that this virus is closely related to SARS, probably 80%. So certainly, it was very dangerous.”

The events that followed Zhang’s discovery have since become swathed in controversy. Crises beget scapegoats and the coronavirus is no different. The floundering U.S. response to the pandemic has prompted a wave of racially tinged soundbites, such as “China virus” and “Kung Flu,” as President Donald Trump’s Administration seeks to divert blame onto the nation where the pathogen was first identified. “The outbreak of COVID angered many people in the Administration and presented an election issue for President Trump,” Ambassador Jeffrey Bader, formerly President Obama’s chief adviser on Asia, said at a recent meeting of the Foreign Correspondents Club of China.

Read more: Inside the Global Quest to Trace the Origins of COVID-19—and Predict Where It Will Go Next

Upon first obtaining the genome, Zhang says he immediately called Dr. Zhao Su, head of respiratory medicine at Wuhan Central Hospital, to request the clinical data of the relevant patient. “I couldn’t say it was more dangerous than SARS, but I told him it was certainly more dangerous than influenza or Avian flu H5N1,” says Zhang. He then contacted China’s Ministry of Health and traveled to Wuhan, where he spoke to top public health officials over dinner Jan. 8. “I had two judgements: first that it was a SARS-like virus; second, that the virus transmits by the respiratory tract. And so, I had two suggestions: that we should take some emergency public measures to protect against this disease; also, clinics should develop antiviral treatments.”

Afterward, Zhang returned to Shanghai and prepared to travel to Beijing for more meetings. On the morning of Jan. 11, he was on the runway at Shanghai Hongqiao Airport when he received a phone call from a colleague, Professor Edward Holmes at the University of Sydney. A few minutes later, Zhang was strapped in for takeoff and still on the phone—then Holmes asked permission to release the genome publicly. “I asked Eddie to give me one minute to think,’” Zhang recalls. “Then I said ok.” For the next two hours, Zhang was cocooned from the world at 35,000 feet, but Holmes’ post on the website Virological.org sent shockwaves through the global scientific community.

By the time Zhang touched down in Beijing, his discovery was headline news. Officials swooped on his laboratory to demand an explanation. “Maybe they couldn’t understand how we obtained the genome sequence so fast,” says Zhang. “Maybe they didn’t fully believe our genome. So, I think it’s normal for the authorities to check our lab, our protocols.”

Read more: China Says It’s Beating Coronavirus. But Can We Believe Its Numbers?

Critics of China’s response have latched onto the Jan. 11 date of publication as evidence of a cover-up: why, they ask, didn’t Zhang publish it on Jan. 5, when he first finished the sequencing? Also, Zhang’s lab was probed by Chinese authorities for “rectification,” an obscure term to imply some malfeasance. To many observers, it seemed that furious officials scrambling to snuff out evidence of the outbreak were punishing Zhang simply for sharing the SARS-CoV-2 genome—and in the meanwhile, slowing down the release of this key information.

Yet Zhang denies reports in Western media that his laboratory suffered any prolonged closure, and instead says it was working furiously during the early days of the outbreak. “From late January to April, we screened more than 30,000 viral samples,” says Fan Wu, a researcher who assisted Zhang with the first SARS-CoV-2 sequencing.

And, in fact, Zhang insists he first uploaded the genome to the U.S. National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI) on Jan. 5—an assertion corroborated by the submission date listed on the U.S government institution’s Genbank. “When we posted the genome on Jan. 5, the United States certainly knew about this virus,” he says. But it can take days or even weeks for the NCBI to look at a submission, and given the gravity of the situation and buoyed by the urging of colleagues, Zhang chose to expedite its release to the public, by publishing it online. (Approached by TIME, Holmes deferred to Zhang’s version of events.) It’s a decision that facilitated the swift development of testing kits, as well as the early discussion of antivirals and possible vaccines.

Read more: ‘We Will Share Our Vaccine with the World.’ Inside the Chinese Biotech Firm Leading the Fight Against COVID-19

Zhang, 55, is keen to downplay the bravery of his actions. But the stakes of doing what is right over what one is told are rendered far higher in authoritarian systems like China’s. Several whistleblower doctors were detained early in the pandemic. According to a Jan. 3 order seen by respected Beijing-based finance magazine Caixin, China’s National Health Commission, the nation’s top health authority, forbade the publishing of any information regarding the Wuhan disease, while labs were told to destroy or transfer all viral samples to designated testing institutions. Caixin also reports that other labs had processed genome sequences before Zhang obtained his sample. None were published.

It’s difficult to know what conclusions to draw. Dr. Dale Fisher, head of infectious diseases at Singapore’s National University Hospital, says he doesn’t think that any delay by the Chinese authorities was malicious. “It was more like appropriate verification,” he says. Fisher traveled to China as part of a World Health Organization (WHO) delegation in early February and says outbreak settings are always confusing and chaotic with people unsure what to believe. “To actually have the whole genome sequence by early January was outstanding compared to outbreaks of the past.”

Of course, Zhang’s fears based on the viral genome were just one evidence strut to inform China’s decision-making process, alongside public health data and clinical reports about specific cases. Despite mounting evidence of human-to-human transmission, including doctors falling ill, it was only on Jan. 20 that China officially confirmed community transmission. Two days later, Wuhan’s 11 million residents were placed on a bruising lockdown that would last for 76 days. Even while the WHO publicly praised China for transparency, internal documents seen by the Associated Press suggest health officials were privately frustrated by the slow release of information. One joint study by scientists in China, the U.K. and U.S. suggests there would have been 95% fewer cases in China had lockdown measures been introduced three weeks earlier. Two weeks earlier, 86% fewer; one week, 66% fewer.

Read more: ‘I Told Myself to Stay Calm.’ As Wuhan’s Lockdown Ends, A Doctor Recalls Fighting Coronavirus on the Front Line

Yet there was some historical basis for skepticism about the severity of the emerging viral disease. After all, the last global pandemic—the swine flu outbreak of 2009—was far less deadly than initially feared, mainly because many older people had some immunity to the virus, leading to criticism that the WHO was overly hasty and even overly dramatic in declaring a pandemic when the virology didn’t warrant it. “In China, even though we had a very bad experience with SARS and other diseases, in the beginning nobody—not even experts from China’s CDC and the Ministry of Health—predicted the disease could be quite so bad,” says Zhang.

Donald Trump disagrees. He has repeatedly claimed that swifter action by China could have stopped the pandemic in its tracks. “The virus came from China,” Trump said Aug. 10. “It’s China’s fault.” Beijing concedes that mistakes were made at the outset, though insists that blame lies solely with bungling local officials (who have since been punished for those failures), while the central government’s response was exemplary. This is, of course, its own politically motivated oversimplification. On both sides, wild accusations have eclipsed reason as Sino-U.S. relations spiral to an unprecedented nadir. While U.S. officials have suggested that COVD-19 originated in a Wuhan laboratory, their Chinese counterparts have propagated conspiracy theories that the U.S. military is responsible. “It’s not a good thing for China and the U.S. to be involved in this struggle,” says Zhang. “If we can’t work together, we can’t solve anything.”

Read more: The Coronavirus Outbreak Could Derail Xi Jinping’s Dreams of a Chinese Century

Some facts are undeniable. The first U.S. case was confirmed on Jan. 21—a man in his 30s who had just returned from Wuhan to his hometown in Washington State. Japan confirmed its first coronavirus case one day later, and reported the world’s highest infection number early in the outbreak, before getting a handle on the situation. Today, the U.S. has 16,407 cases per million population compared with 462 in Japan. Across the world, authoritarian and democratic nations have both handled the crisis well and poorly.

For its part, the global scientific community has risen to the challenge, working across national boundaries to advance understanding of the disease, including priceless collaborations between Chinese and Western virologists. Previously, the best described epidemic in terms of viral genetics was the 2014 West African Ebola outbreak. Then, about 1,600 genomes were mapped over three years, providing insights into how viruses move between locations and accumulate genetic differences as they do. But for SARS-CoV-2, following Zhang’s initial genome, scientists mapped about 20,000 within three months. Genomic surveillance enables scientists to trace the speed and character of genetic changes, with ramifications for infection rates and the production of vaccines and antivirals. “Very large-scale genomic screening can evaluate whether any resistance mutations have occurred and, if they do, how those spread through time,” says Oliver Prybus, professor of evolution and infectious disease at Oxford University.

For Zhang, focus must now be on understanding how pathogens and the environment interact. Over the past century, an inordinate number of new viral diseases have emerged in China, including the 1956 Asian Flu, 2002 SARS and 2013 H7N9. Zhang attributes this to China’s diverse ecology and enormous population. Moreover, as China’s economy boomed its people have begun traveling far and wide in search of work, education and opportunities. According to the World Bank, almost 200 million people moved to urban areas in East Asia during the first decade of the 21st century. In China, 61% of the population lived in urban areas in 2020 compared with just 18% in 1978. This brings unknown pathogens and people without natural defenses into close proximity. “People and pathogens must be in contact [for outbreaks],” says Zhang. “If no contact, no disease.”

As urbanization intensifies, outbreaks of pathogenic diseases will only become more common. Mitigation, says Zhang, comes from deeper understanding of viruses, so that we can accurately map and predict which are likely to spill over into human populations. Just as satellites have made forecasting weather patterns unerringly reliable, Zhang believes science holds the key to predicting viral outbreaks with similar accuracy as with which we now anticipate typhoons and tornadoes. “If we don’t learn lessons from this disease,” says Zhang, “humankind will suffer another.”

[ahopkins1965]

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LIFE AFTER DEATH?

Death Is Not the End (Part Seven)

Death Is Not the End (Part Five)

The Second Death

Life Is Service (Part One)

Comfort One Another With These Words

Taking It Through the Grave

Heaven Must Wait

Resurrection AD 31

Jesus and 'the Spirits in Prison'

What Happened to the Thief on the Cross? (Part One)

Is There a Hell?

Disproving Hell

Lazarus and the Rich Man

Is Your Soul Immortal?

Trumpets and Hope

Parable of Lazarus and the Rich Man (Part One)

Was Jesus Dead?

The Resurrection From the Dead

Is Heaven the Reward of the Saved?

Whatever Happened to Gnosticism? Part Three: Satan's Three Heresies

The Sin of Partiality

by Dan Elmore

Forerunner, "Ready Answer," July 2007

Topics

Bias

Christian Unity

Church Problems

Competition

Division, Causing

Elitism

Equality

More...

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Respect or Respect of Persons?

What Sin Is & What Sin Does

God's Way of Give at the Feast of Tabernacles

The Weightier Matters (Part 2): Judgment

James and Unleavened Bread (Part Two)

The Church Family - Convinced and Persuaded

Mercy and Justice

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"My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality." —James 2:1

Back in the 1970s, in Norwalk, California, when I was seeking to be baptized, I was trying to quit smoking. I found that it required that I keep quitting, because I kept finding a cigarette in my hand. It was such an ingrained habit that I did it without thinking. Each time I did, I would leave the rest of the pack some place where I could not recover it.

One night during this time, my family went to the home of some friends for a barbeque. Out of habit, I lit a cigarette and took a drag. As I blew the smoke out, I overheard my mother bragging to our host that I had quit smoking. My mom had been blinded by her partiality toward me and my abilities, and I felt horrible that I had caused her shame and disappointment. Realizing this helped me to quit the disgusting habit for good.

James 2:1 broaches the topic of partiality: "My brethren, do not hold the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with partiality." The King James Version translates this virtually the same way except that instead of "partiality," it reads "respect of persons." In many ways, "respect of persons" is a plainer translation of the Greek, since that is exactly what the apostle is fighting: church members respecting some people over others.

Since we, too, are members of God's church, it is beneficial to take a closer look at this idea of partiality or respect of persons from time to time. This problem frequently rears its ugly head, causing trouble among brethren, so it is good to know what it is and how it manifests itself in a congregation.

Definitions

First, we need to make sure that we understand the full implications of partiality by reviewing some definitions of the term. Webster's Dictionary defines partial as "biased to one party; inclined to favor one party in a cause, or one side of a question, more than the other; not indifferent." A second meaning emphasizes favoring something "without reason," and a third, "affecting a part only; not general or universal; not total," implies dividing or separating things apart from the whole.

Another tool we can use to get a better grasp of a term is to see how other translations of a particular Bible verse use it. Here are several alternate translations of James 2:1:

International Standard Version: My brothers, do not practice your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ by showing partiality.

New International Version: My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism.

Good News Translation: My friends, as believers in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, you must never treat people in different ways according to their outward appearance.

James Moffatt Translation: My brothers, as you believe in our Lord Jesus Christ, who is the Glory, pay no servile regard to people.

William Barclay Translation: My brothers, you cannot at one and the same time believe in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ and be a snob.

The New Testament in Modern English: Don't ever attempt, my brothers, to combine snobbery with faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ!

Amplified Bible: My brethren, pay no servile regard to people [show no prejudice, no partiality]. Do not [attempt to] hold [and] practice the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, [the Lord] of Glory, [together with snobbery]!

This term, rendered variously as "partiality," "favoritism," "respect of persons," "servile regard," and "snobbery" in James 2:1, is prosôpolepsía in Greek, and it is very close in meaning to the English word partiality. Vine's Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words expands on its meaning: "[It is] the fault of one who, when responsible to give judgment, has respect to the position, rank, popularity, or circumstances of men, instead of their intrinsic conditions, preferring the rich and powerful to those who are not so. . . ."

Armed with this understanding, we can explore some of the occasions when partiality occurs. For instance, parents almost always display partiality for their own children over other people's children, which is only natural, but sometimes they favor one of their own children over his or her sibling(s). This is bound to have disastrous results at some point.

People also make economic distinctions, showing a bias for one brand of car, clothing, appliance, or laundry soap. Some are partial to stocks and bonds, while others prefer to invest in land, gold, or commodities. Such preferences are usually just personal opinions due to habit, experience, advertising, or personal recommendation.

Of course, there are racial, social, religious, and political prejudices. We read or hear of such biases frequently. Many of these kinds of partialities can get one in trouble with the group in question, the law, the community, or the church, depending on how radically a person displays them. Even in supposedly free and equal societies, prejudices abound, as they are part of human nature.

Further, intellectual snobbery and elitism abound. Those who have advanced degrees too often look down their noses at those whose educational achievements were stymied by a lack of opportunity or funds or plain bad grades in school. Though it is more rare, a reverse intellectual snobbery has been known to exist among poorly educated Americans from time to time.

In the church, we often witness the "holier than thou" individual who wears his spirituality on his sleeve for all to see. He is quick to criticize others for their shortcomings, drawing away from fellowship with them for their "lack of conversion." Such a person is showing a bias toward his idea of righteousness, which, as we know, is called "self-righteousness."

There are many other kinds of partiality, and if one keeps an eye out for them, they are easy to spot. Respect of persons is part of the underside of the human condition, so it is not surprising that the Bible presents so many illustrations of it.

Biblical Examples

God provides us with dozens of examples of men and women who were partial to various people or things, and along with the examples come important lessons we can learn to avoid their mistakes. Sometimes, a right and godly favoritism is shown—particularly by God Himself—and an unrighteous, human reaction causes a great deal of trouble. Yet, more often, human partiality toward or against others opens the proverbial can of worms. A number of examples come immediately to mind.

»When God accepted Abel's offering but rejected Cain's—favor based on obedience and proper attitude—hatred, jealousy, resentment, and murderous rage resulted (see Genesis 4). This first example is one of godly favor taken badly.

»Through favoritism, Isaac (toward Esau) and Rebecca (toward Jacob) instilled a spirit of competition, strife, and resentment between the two brothers, which led to an even-now ongoing feud, more than 3,500 years later (see Genesis 25 and 27)!

»Jacob's partiality to Rachel was the source of a great deal of hostility and scheming among Jacobs's wives and concubines (see Genesis 30). This also created rivalries between their sons.

»Jacob's favoritism for Joseph made his half-brothers so jealous that they were ready to murder him (see Genesis 37). Instead, they "only" sold him into slavery, telling their father that he had been torn to pieces by a wild beast. This caused the patriarch no end of grief.

»Through his partiality as a father, Eli allowed himself to become complacent to the gross sins of his two sons (see I Samuel 2—4). This led both to calamity for Eli's house and national defeat at the hands of the Philistines.

»King David's partiality blinded his eyes to his children's evil actions, particularly Amnon's rape of his half-sister, Tamar; and Absalom's murder of Amnon and his rebellion against David himself (see II Samuel 13—18). Later, he ignored Adonijah's preparations to take over his throne, in spite of his expressed desire to have Solomon succeed him (see I Kings 1).

»In the story of Esther, Haman's prejudice almost cost the lives of all the Jews living in the Persian Empire (see Esther 3—8). Only an act of great courage and self-sacrifice saved the Jews from annihilation.

The Bible contains a host of other examples that thoroughly demonstrate the insidiousness of this potential sin. It is clear that the effects of partiality are the real problem. A person can have the best of intentions and reasons for his bias—as God's favor certainly is—but the reactions of those not in favor cause events to spin out of control. At other times, and certainly in most cases of human bias, the respect of persons is clearly wrong from the outset, and the carnal reactions of those it affects just makes matters worse.

Emulating God

In his epistle, the apostle James is combating the practice of showing favoritism toward the wealthy at the expense of poorer brethren. He asks in James 2:4, in doing so, "have you not shown partiality among yourselves, and become judges with evil thoughts?" Here, he gets to the crux of the problem. As converted children of God, we are supposed to be able to make righteous judgments through the gift of God's Spirit. However, when we show partiality or respect of persons, we have allowed evil thoughts to compromise our judgment.

The Jamieson, Fausset, and Brown Commentary emphasizes that "the sin in question [respect of persons] is peculiarly inconsistent with His 'faith.'" Christ died for all, rich and poor alike, and His doctrine consistently stresses the spiritual equality of believers and unity in a brotherhood of believers. Thus, preferring one person over another because of wealth or status introduces an element of wickedness into Christian relations: division.

Matthew Henry agrees:

The apostle is here reproving a very corrupt practice. He shows how much mischief there is in the sin of prosôpolepsía—respect of persons, which seemed to be a very growing evil in the churches of Christ even in those early ages, and which, in these after-times, has sadly corrupted and divided Christian nations and societies.

. . . You who profess to believe the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ, which the poorest Christian shall partake of equally with the rich, and to which all worldly glory is but vanity, you should not make men's outward and worldly advantages the measure of your respect. In professing the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, we should not show respect to men, so as to cloud or lessen the glory of our glorious Lord: how ever any may think of it, this is certainly a very heinous sin.

What about God's supposed favoritism for His chosen people? For many centuries, it seemed as if God was partial toward Israel in that only Israelites had an opportunity for salvation. From our perspective today, we know that He was working solely through Israel only for the time being, preparing a people for the coming of His Son in the flesh.

After Jesus' resurrection, God soon opened salvation to the Gentiles too, as related in the story of Cornelius in Acts 10. In verses 34-35 of this chapter, Peter draws a conclusion from his experiences with the vision of the animals let down in a sheet from heaven and with the conversion of the household of Cornelius: "In truth I perceive that God shows no partiality, but in every nation whoever fears Him and works righteousness is accepted by Him."

In Romans 2:11, speaking of the righteous judgment of God, Paul repeats this point: "For there is no partiality with God," a truth Paul understood from the Old Testament (Deuteronomy 10:17). To the Galatians, the apostle makes the spiritual equality of Christians even more specific: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28; see I Corinthians 12:13; Colossians 3:11).

It is clear that God is not a respecter of persons, giving everyone an equal opportunity for salvation and judging all by the same standards. And certainly, we should want to be like God, respecting every member of the church as an equal brother or sister in Christ.

English playwright George Bernard Shaw wrote, "We educate one another, and we cannot do this if half of us consider the other half not good enough to talk to." The church of God is an educational institution, and every member has a part to play in helping to build up others as they prepare for God's Kingdom. Eliminating biases and prejudices will go a long way toward bringing unity and growth to God's church.

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Respect or Respect of Persons?

[horror-movie-blog]

Top Ten Best THMBs of 2018

Original Publishing Date: December 15th, 2018

Well, it's that time of year again, when I look back at all the horror movies I watched over the year and decide which were the best and which were the worst. As a reminder to those who haven't had their New Year hymens broken yet, this isn't a list of movies that came out this year, but those I watched as part of my Thursday/Friday Horror Movie Blog. But before I get into the grit and dirty, there's something I need to announce. I've been giving this some thought, and since there were weeks this year where I skipped THMBs due to my lack of investment and enjoyment, I decided that I'm going to end the Horror Movie Blog... So I can expand it to any movie I want to watch. That's right, not just horror movies. Adventure. Syfy. Romantic Comedy. Goose Punk. Whatever I feel like that week, that's what I'm going to watch. Of coarse, there will still be horror, and I'm going to favor horror over any other genre because it's my favorite, but I realize this is my only opportunity ever week to watch stuff due to my busy schedule. And since there's so many movies I've been meaning to watch, I felt like this is a great way of finally knocking them off my list. So look forward to those in the next year. With that said, let's just jump into it. Here are my favorite films I watched during THMB this year. 10. Repulsion When I first saw this movie, I gave it a glowing review and labeled it as a new favorite. But it's been months since that viewing, and looking back, I might have over thought the movie. Don't get me wrong, I still admire it, and think it deserves the recognition it gets, but I realize so much stuff in the movie was just there to be pretentious art house film stuff. I have a feeling if I watched this again I'll notice all the unnecessary additions to it that doesn't really need to be in it. However, I understand those pretentious, weird moments are what gives the movie it's atmosphere and tone, so getting rid of them would render the film. Still, if there was ever a film that I would label pretentious, it would be this. I still liked it, but it wasn't the master piece that I claimed it to be, so I gave it the lowest spot on the list.   9. Trick r Treat My enjoyment of this film comes down to atmosphere. I wanted something to get me into the Halloween mood and this film did just that. Despite not finding the individual plots to be predictable and pointless at times, I was invested and did find them interesting. I still love how they all take place on the same night in the same town, a trait that I wish more anthology series took advantage of. If you were a fan of Krampus, you'll be a fan of this. 8. Kuroneko The latest movie to show up on my list, Kuroneko was more like a dark fairy tale than a horror film, but still managed to creep me out. It kept my attention throughout the film, and there were times where I had no idea what was coming up next in the plot, subverting my expectations. And the ending was fantastic too, leaving it up to the audience to interrupt its meaning and what happened. Add on top of that memorable visuals and a compelling story, and you got yourself an underrated classic. 7. Red Dragon Many people say that Red Dragon is superior to Silence of the Lambs, and after watching the film, I agree. The dynamic between the main character and Hannibal Lector was spot on, the B-plot of the Tooth Fairy was heart breaking and terrifying, and it was all paced together perfectly... Okay, the ending was a but tacked on, but that's a nitpick compared to the rest of the film. It's weird how this movie doesn't get half the recognition Silence of the Lambs get. I mean, Philip Seymour Hoffman gets set on fire and rolled down a hill in a wheelchair. What happened in Silence again? Oh right, a bunch of fat lady get skinned. Yeah, case close. 6. A Quiet Place I feel bad watching so many good horror films this year, cause many of them could have easily made it to the #1 spot if I watched a bunch of shit. But I didn't, cause believe it or not, I'd like to enjoy my Friday nights, so many great films get low rankings this year. But make no mistake, A Quiet Place is still a fantastic horror film. The simple act of making noise has life or death consequences in this universe, creating a show don't tell movie where you're always on the end of your seat. But of coarse, the thing that splits people is the ending, where it kind of feels like a cheap out. I mean... It has to end on something, I guess, but still, it makes you scratch your head and question the rules of this universe. Still, that doesn't undermine the rest of the film. Fantastic film. 5. Cube Six people trapped in cube, which is made up of thousands of other cubes. They need to work together in order to get out, but that proves to be more difficult than it seems. My enjoyment of the film comes from its simple idea but great execution, how the characters solve the ultimate puzzle of the film, and the nerve racking suspense when you realize that not everyone's buddy-buddy with each other. There's a common theme I see in these list selections, that the ending didn't really land the plane right. I heard people complain about this movie's ending too, but... I don't know, I kind of like it. Again, the ending doesn't ruin the movie. Please check it out if you like SyFY-horror. 4. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? On this list we have aliens, cannibals, vampire-cat-spirits and goblin in a halloween mask. Yet what's scarier than all of them? An old lady. A very disturbed old lady, who's only victim is her crippled sister. And that's good enough for me. The amount of agony this poor women goes through due to her cunt of a sister is horrible. Yet they never truly villainfy Baby Jane, as we see clearly she's just a poor old woman trying to reclaim what little fame she has left, her only stardom in the world. I might sound like a broken record again, but the "twist" at the end didn't really add much to the rest of the film. Yet I think even the film knows this, for it's not lingered that long. I don't know, maybe it serves a purpose, but to me, it didn't really add anything, nor changed anything. Still, a great movie. 3. Hausu I really wanted to place Hausu as #1, it was so memorable and enjoyable that I felt like it deserved the spot. But there's two more who do, so it's three. That being said, I love Hausu. The amount of creativity that shines in this movie, how it experiments with what can be scary and what can be funny, and somehow successfully makes an effective horror-comedy is just mind boggling. And that's a perfect word to describe this film, mind-boggling. If this isn't the best horror film I saw this year, it's defiantly the best horror-comedy. More people need to see this film. I heard the director wanted to make a Jaws like movie, but for Japan. Well, if what he meant was a movie that rivaled Jaws in creative film making, then yes, I think it did. 2. Hereditary When you really think about it, Hereditary's plot is fairly simple; someone dies and they try to contact the spirit. Yet how the execute this plot is what earned this #2 spot. The framing of the camera, the pacing of the plot, the disturbing imagery, all wrapped together with suspense, wondering what will happen next. And you're going to hate me for saying this, but... The ending is the weakest part. Yeah-yeah, I know. Cop out. But did feel a little weird when you spent the whole movie guessing what was going to happen, only to get a solid answer at the end which makes you go... Really? That's what this film was building up to? But who cares about the destination, it was journey there that made Hereditary the second best horror film of the year. But what's the best, you might ask? Well keep reading, dummy. 1. The VVitch But... I can't understand what the characters are saying! Fuck you. But... Nothing happens! Fuck you. But... It's set in old people times! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. This is one of the best horror films I have ever seen. If you call yourself a horror movie fan and you hated this film... That is your opinion and I respect you. Also fuck you. This is one of the few films that I can call disturbing. It takes a corny horror movie monster, a witch, and reminds us why people were afraid of these things. Not only that, but the attention to detail. From the costumes, to the sets, to the effects. My God... Everything just stands out in my head. And there's so many memorable scenes. God, seeing the negative reception this movie got just makes my blood boil. How can you be bored by this? Just... How? How small is your attention span if this is considered "long"? Whatever, go watch American Horror Story or something if you can't wait ten minutes for something spooky to happen. This movie is great, and I reward it the #1 horror film of the year. Okay... I went off the rails on that last one. Again, this is just my opinion, my tastes, my experience. If you like/hate any of these films, that's perfectly fine and I'm sure you have a valid reason why. Just as long as you gave the movie a chance, that's all I expect of people. With that said, it was fun walking down the horror road with all of you, but it's time to embark on new territories. And I'll see you then. 

[hottytoddynews]

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hegel and Capt. Joe Skinner

Editor’s note: The following is a Veterans Day speech written by Captain Joe Skinner of Oxford for the American Legion Post 55. As a 31-year U.S. Navy veteran, Captain Skinner served as commanding officer of the USS Louisville, a fast-attack nuclear-powered submarine, among other assignments, and later served in the Pentagon. Unfortunately, a scheduling conflict prevented Captain Skinner from delivering the speech, but he has kindly agreed to share the text with HottyToddy.com’s readership.

I was asked to speak today by the American Legion, and it is truly a humbling experience to speak on such an important day. How can I possibly memorialize the legion of heroes that have gone before us? I will try, but I must apologize up front, because I know it is difficult to properly thank all the veterans.

Today, I am going to tell you a little about who I am, how veterans contributed to my life, and conclude with some submarine stories. The American Legion said I could pick my topic, so you are going to hear some submarine stories.

I grew up surrounded by veterans: My father was a Marine who fought on five islands in the Pacific. My mother was a WAVE. Seven of my nine uncles served in WWII or Korea. My oldest brother, two cousins, and two of my four brothers-in-law all served during the Vietnam War. Every night growing up, my neighbor played taps.

These men were all hard-working family men that loved America. It seemed natural to me to join the military when I was old enough. My wife also came from a military family: her father served during the Korean War in Europe, and three of her uncles and grandfather served in the military. We can trace relatives who fought for this country in the Revolutionary, Mexican, Civil, Spanish-American, WWI, WWII, Korea, and Vietnam wars.

I spent 31 years in uniform, four at Annapolis, 20 associated with submarines, and seven working international military policy issues. I served on six nuclear attack submarines and spent a total of six years under water. I traveled extensively, visiting 37 countries, leading discussions with Russia, China, Vietnam, India, Japan, Korea, and others.

After this, I was asked to take a job in the Pentagon, where I developed an asymmetric strategy for Taiwan to defend itself from China.

The crew of the USS Louisville (SSN-724) pose for a picture with their submarine.

Now I want to shift to discuss submarines. Today, submarine missions include reconnaissance, land attack missions, anti-submarine and surface missions, mining, SEAL delivery, and ballistic missile patrols. Most of the information concerning these missions is classified, so I am going to discuss what submarines accomplished in WWII.

At that time, the submarine force consisted of only 2 percent of the Navy, but it sank 54% of all Japanese merchant ships. They also sank eight carriers, one battleship, 13 cruisers, 38 destroyers and 23 submarines.

Read Steve Vassallo’s far-ranging 2014 interview with Captain Skinner on world affairs here.

During the war, U.S. submarines had the highest casualty rate for a single branch of the service—18% of all those who served on submarines died.

Two specific stories I would like to share with you, and I have a connection to both:

First, Captain George Street is a Medal of Honor winner. I met him in 1989 during a submarine birthday ball. I shot silly string at a friend of mine, who ducked, and the string hit an older gentleman in the table next to me. I went and apologized and noticed he was wearing a Congressional Medal of Honor.

This artist’s rendering, by Lt. Commander Fred Freeman, depicts the a scene from the famous battle of the USS Tirante off the Quelpart Island in the South China Sea. Commander George Street earned the Medal of Honor for his bravery in the battle.

The following excerpt comes from Captain Street’s award recommendation for the Medal of Honor:

“With extreme aggressiveness, brilliant planning and daring, the commanding officer took his submarine deep into the enemies’ inner defenses in a meticulous search for enemy shipping. With sagacity and consummate skill, he penetrated strong escort screens in the shallow water and launched four devastating torpedo attacks, which resulted in the sinking of four ships, including a transport ship loaded with troops. After the attack upon the transport, the Tirante was subjected to a severe depth-charging, which bounced her off the bottom. Fighting for her life, with explosions rocking her from side to side, this gallant submarine came back with a vengeance and launched a brilliantly executed torpedo attack to sink a patrol vessel. In the confusion following the sinking, the Tirante skillfully made her escape.

“Although the Tirante had already sunk a very creditable amount of enemy shipping, the commanding officer refused to leave this dangerous area until the maximum amount of damage had been inflicted upon the enemy. By sound deduction and brilliant reasoning, it was determined that the enemy ships were using a confined harbor on the north shore of Quelpart for an anchorage. In order to reach this anchorage, he would have to take his submarine through many miles of shallow water in which his ship would not be able to dive. The harbor was inevitably mined, numerous reefs and shoals were known to exist, and the whole area was closely guarded by shore-based radar, numerous patrol vessels and extensive air coverage. Fully realizing the mountainous dangers involved, the commanding officer made his decision to attack.

“Disregarding the possibility of minefields and five shore-based radars in the immediate vicinity, Tirante closed the shoreline and progressed into the harbor through numerous anti-submarine vessels. The gun crews were at the stations, as Tirante would have to fight her way out on the surface if attacked. Once in the inner harbor, the current was checked, and a rapid set-up was made on a 10,000-ton tanker. Two torpedoes were skillfully fired at this target, and a great mushroom of white blinding flame shot 2000 feet into the air, and a thunderous roar nearly flattened the crew of Tirante. In the light of the burning tanker, two frigates spotted the Tirante and started in for the kill. Quickly bringing his submarine to bear on the leading frigate, the commanding officer tenaciously fired two torpedoes at the vessel that was endeavoring to block his escape and then swung his ship and fired his last torpedo at the other frigate.

“With all torpedoes expended, the commanding officer headed his ship out of the confined harbor at full speed just as the torpedoes hit the first frigate and blew it sky-high. Seconds later, the sister ship was hit and it, too, disintegrated. With emergency full speed, the commanding officer slipped right out of the enemy’s hands. In addition to this action, a 100-ton ship was sunk with gunfire, three prisoners were captured from a schooner, and two aviators were picked up from a downed Japanese aircraft.”

Richard “Dick” O’Kane accepts the Medal of Honor from President Truman.

The second submarine Medal of Honor winner I want to discuss is Dick O’Kane. I had the opportunity to meet him when he sold his book in Groton, Connecticut while I was a student at submarine basic school.

On October 23, 1944, Commander O’Kane conducted a surface attack on a convoy and torpedoed seven ships. Twenty-four hours later, he encountered a second convoy that included oilers with aircraft on their decks and troop transports headed to Leyte. This convoy was heavily escorted, and before he reached attack position. the escorts opened up with 5-inch and 40mm fire. O’Kane remained on the surface, and at 1000 yards fired six torpedoes at two transports and two tankers—all torpedoes smashed home.

At once the night became livid with the glare of burning ships, spitting guns, tracers, and exploding shells. All ships were highlighted by the burning ships as the Tang maneuvered for an attack on another large transport. The transport and tanker were astern of the submarine, and off the beam, a destroyer was charging in at 30 knots. Two destroyer escorts rushed at the Tang from the other side, and the three burning ships were directly off the bow. The Tang fired three fast shots to clear the way—the first struck the tanker, which immediately spewed a geyser of flame. The second hit the transport, stopping her dead in the water. The third struck the destroyer.

The explosion of the destroyer shook the Tang from stem to stern. Sprinting out through the gap, she dashed away from the Japanese destroyer escorts. The Tang remained at a safe distance while her last two torpedoes were loaded.

O’Kane selected the damaged troop transport as his final target. The Tang darted through a gap between the escorts and fired the last two torpedoes. The first ran straight to the target, while the second failed and circled back and struck the Tang. The nine crew members on the bridge were thrown into the sea, and the submarine sank to 180 feet. Thirteen men attempted to escape the submarine—eight survived the swim to the surface. The surviving crew were immediately captured and sent to a prisoner-of-war camp in Taiwan.

I selected these two stories for several reasons. First, I had the opportunity to meet both of these men; however, I failed to take advantage of this opportunity and really talk to them. Don’t make my mistake—talk to the veterans in your community; they all have stories worth hearing. However, you will likely have to encourage them to talk—these humble men seldom brag.

The second reason for selecting these stories was to tell a little about the submarines of WWII. Like all services, their culture is built on incredible sacrifice. The submarine force has been called the silent service, and many of their stories do not get told.

Lastly, I selected the second story to remind you not to blindly trust government organizations. In WWII, two U.S. submarines were sunk by their own torpedoes. The U.S. Bureau of Ordinance refused to allow our submarine to fire torpedoes prior to the war because their operation was so secret. This failure to test the torpedoes prevented flaws from being detected and corrected in the torpedoes. Several submarines were lost because of the Bureau of Ordinance’s arcane procedures.

In this photo, Captain Joe Skinner’s father affixes the command pin on Captain Skinner as he assumed command of the USS Louisville.

My final point of this speech is to ask you: Do you have a ritual you share with your children on Veterans Day or Memorial Day to instill pride in your country? My simple ritual occurred on Memorial Day when we lived in Hawaii. My three daughters would put a lei in Pearl Harbor in remembrance of Claude Alderman, my grandmother’s brother, who died in Flanders Fields during WWI.

To end on a lighter note I have one more story about a veteran:

Ethan Allen returned to England after the Revolutionary war, and the British made fun of him. One day they put a picture of George Washington in an outhouse where Allen would be sure to see it. He used the outhouse but said nothing about the picture. Then the British asked him about it, and Allen said it was a very appropriate place for an Englishman to hang the picture because “nothing will make an Englishman s— so quick as the sight of General Washington.”

The post Former Submarine Captain Shares Stories of WWII Heroism appeared first on HottyToddy.com.