#it was a choice made w regards to freedom.

[foreverppl]

gosh… the two things i love most abt the exile is how many revelations happen (+ how much they matter) and how complicated the people are as individuals and in relation to one another. i don’t think you could play this game passively if you tried. how i initially felt abt characters like marcelle, syfyn, and freedom have changed so drastically over the course of these five chapters it’s actually insane. and this change has been in huge part due to finding out new information. uncovering truths… uncovering lies.

[doumadono]

Sekido with T? ;w; im weak willed

A/N: gotta admit, this one was a real head-scratcher. The whole obscure AU thing threw me for a loop, and even after hitting up Google, I was drawing blanks. So, I just went with my gut on this ficlet. Hope it hits the spot for ya, even if just a smidge. The inspiration for this ficlet came from the following post

DEMON SLAYER MASTERLIST

In the Taisho era, where demons lurked in the shadows and warriors fought against the encroaching darkness, the night was cloaked in shadows as you slipped away from the confines of your family's house. The decision to become a demon was not one made lightly, and the air was thick with the weight of your choice. The desire for something beyond the constraints of your human existence had pushed you to seek a new, otherworldly life.

The moon hung low in the sky as you ventured into the unknown, guided by the whispers of the night. In the darkness, a figure materialized — Sekido, the embodiment of anger and one of the counterparts to Hantengu. His eyes, gleaming with an intensity that mirrored the moon, met yours. "Why?" he grumbled, his voice a low growl, as if trying to comprehend the tumult of emotions that drove you to this decision.

You hesitated, the words catching in your throat. "I want more. More power, more freedom. I want to be something other than human, I want to be like you."

"This is ridiculous," Sekido, his anger simmering beneath the surface, regarded you with a mix of curiosity and concern. Torn between the loyalty to his lord, Muzan, and a strange connection that seemed to be forming between you, he sighed, the sound carrying the weight of a thousand years. "Follow me," he finally grunted, a reluctant acceptance of your choice.

You and Sekido ventured into the dense forest, the moonlight barely penetrating the labyrinth of ancient trees. Your heart pounded with a mix of fear and exhilaration.

As you walked, the shadows seemed to dance with a life of their own, their eerie movements mirroring the hidden dangers lurking in the night. Sekido, silent and brooding, matched the atmosphere perfectly. His eyes, gleaming with an otherworldly intensity, scanned the surroundings as if constantly on guard.

"Are you sure it's safe here?" you asked, your voice a hushed whisper, aware of the potential threats lingering in the darkness. "Isn't there a safest path?"

Sekido's gaze, sharp and penetrating, met yours. "As safe as it can be, weakling," he grunted, his tone reflecting the simmering anger that defined him. "Don't let your guard down, woman. You want to be a demn after all, so push your fears aside."

The forest seemed to close in around you, the ancient trees whispering secrets of a time long forgotten. The unsettling ambiance heightened the intensity of your emotions. Sekido's presence, while comforting in its own way, also added a layer of complexity to the night.

"So? Why? Because I don't understand your stupid decision," he growled, his voice lingering with anger.

You looked into Sekido's eyes, determination in your gaze. "I want to be a demon because I want to be with you, to stand by your side until death does us apart. I want to share every darkness with you."

As you continued, a distant rustle in the foliage caught your attention. Your instincts kicked in, and you both halted, eyes narrowing as the forest came alive with a hidden threat. Suddenly, a demonic figure emerged from the shadows, its grotesque form snarling with hunger and malice.

Fear gripped your heart as the demon lunged toward you, its claws unsheathed and hungering for blood. Panic surged through your veins, but before the creature could strike, Sekido erupted into action.

His movements were a blur, a manifestation of unbridled rage. His fists collided with the demon's form, each strike fueled by the anger that coursed through his being. The air crackled with energy as Sekido unleashed the full force of his wrath, a storm of violence against the demonic intruder.

"You dare threaten what's mine?!" Sekido's voice, a guttural growl, echoed through the forest. His eyes burned with an intensity that matched the flames of his anger.

The demon, battered and defeated, slinked back into the shadows, a mere whisper of the threat it once posed. Sekido, however, remained poised, his anger not yet appeased. He turned to you, his eyes softening just a fraction, a rare display of vulnerability. "Are you hurt, woman?" he grumbled, the concern in his tone contrasting sharply with the anger that defined him.

You shook your head, the adrenaline still coursing through your veins. "I'm fine. Thanks to you."

Sekido's expression softened further, the storm of his anger subsiding for a moment. He reached out, his touch surprisingly gentle as he checked for any signs of injury. His fingers lingered on your skin, a silent reassurance that spoke more than words ever could. "And you want to be a demon despite you can't protect yourself?" he snorted, the sound oddly reminiscent of a snore. "That's ridiculous. It makes me super angry just hearing it, but it's your choice, weakling."

As you resumed your walk, the atmosphere shifted. Sekido, still brimming with anger, walked beside you, a silent guardian in the shadows. The moonlight filtered through the leaves, casting an ethereal glow on the path ahead.

"Stay close," Sekido grunted, his anger a protective shield against the unknown. And as you ventured deeper into the forest, the echoes of the night's encounter lingered, a haunting reminder of the delicate dance between demons and humans in this world. "I want you to be in one piece when you meet my Lord."

[lets-try-some-writing]

I just finished reading your “Optimus as Unicron’s Sparkling AU” (IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST PEICES OF WRITING I HAVE EVER READ) and there was something I was left wondering about. What if Optimus joined the Decepticons in his exile instead of the AutoBots. However you want to do it is fine, whether that be because of Unicron’s constant urges, or the Prime just feeling so betrayed. Again it’s up to you entirely. But really you writing is astonishing, and absolutely amazing. Thanks!

Thank you so much for the praise!! My dear requester you have literally made my day with this (after I dug through my pile of requests to find your lovely idea). I love this whole concept, thank you very much. I wish I could draw better so that I could illustrate these scenes.

Previous part here. Part most relevant to the request here.

━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙ ━━━━━━━━━━━━

The Autobots wallowed after they chose to send their Prime away, but left alone to heal and to think, Optimus's thoughts wandered. As he hid in an old garage, trying to compose himself and come to terms with all that had come to pass, he started to reminisce. He thought back on his life and all that had led up to his current situation, and as he did, he found his opinions shifting.

Over the first week, he remained firm in his belief that what he did was right. He struck his maker down, for if he hadn't, there would have been nothing left of his foster Sire's efforts. He could not condemn the one who raised him to continue on without a legacy. That was a faith he kept close to himself, but his thoughts regarding his mortal life began to be questioned. He fought for the Autobots to stop tyranny and to ensure that Primus's creations remained free. Megatron wished for freedom too, but his actions were monstrous, terrible by any moral definition. But then again, what was Optimus if not the creation of monstrosity?

By the end of the second week, Optimus began to doubt, not even bothering to move from his hiding place as he thought. At first he was plagued by guilt for even questioning, but then as he continued his contemplation, pieces he never considered began to fall into place. When he was Orion Pax, he was middle caste and was not shown the darker sides of society. He was foolish in his actions and his words, going on to provoke Megatronus by stealing the spotlight the Kaoni warrior deserved and fought so hard to obtain. He was willing to accept that he was wrong in that regard. But when he ascended to once again become a Prime, was he really wrong to fight back? Megatron killed mecha, he stripped them of their choice by tearing the council down without a care for those caught up in the backlash.

But then again, when was peace really ever an option? Mecha still would have suffered if things had been done slowly as he had hoped so long ago. There would have been pain all the same, it just would have lasted longer and been more drawn out. Fighting back against Megatron's revolution turned rebellion only brought greater suffering than if he had just allowed his former brother in arms to win. Not only that, but was Megatron really that wrong in his ideals? Yes they were more perverted from time and bitterness, however he still fought for freedom did he not? If Optimus had been there to steer him in the right direction, he could have appeased his maker by ensuring change was a constant while also assuring that his foster Sire's children didn't wipe themselves out in civil war.

By week three he came to a startling conclusion amidst his wallowing. He had failed in both his directives by trying so hard to maintain mortal morality. He was a creation of Unicron, his function was chaos and due to the kindness of his foster Sire, it was his duty to ensure his chaos was directed into something useful. In attempting to be something he wasn't due to his time as Orion Pax, he failed to bring change. The war was horrific, but it was static, nothing of note ever shifted. Always death, always battle, but there was no change. And in the never ending death, he was also failing his foster Sire by allowing his creations to drive themselves to extinction, even going so far as to encourage it by driving the war on and refusing to yield.

His Autobots didn't want him anymore, they feared him and all that he was. Even his oldest friend and his sparkling wished him to vanish. Optimus could not grant them that, he was eternal, destined to walk the stars until they went out and the universe unraveled. However he could fulfill his function and in doing so, finally bring about an end to the war that was driving his foster Sire's children to extinction.

When at last Optimus stirred, he did not reject his maker's touch. He relished in it. The Matrix pulsed in warning but Optimus ignored it for the most part. It was there to keep him on track, he would heed it when required, but his duty was long planned. He had a mission, a goal. He had to end this foolish war, and he was not afraid to wield the power granted to him from his birth to do so.

Thus as Optimus pushed himself up and abandoned the place he had taken shelter in, he found himself wandering. His frame broke apart into what it was in the beginning of times, a mess of energy and corruption balanced only by enough order to keep it contained. Unicron smiled and praised his creation through their bond with every passing moment as Optimus drew more and more upon his maker. In a matter of days, all remnants of the adaptation Optimus performed during the age of Primes faded away to reveal his true colors. A giant even amongst Cybertronian kind, he walked the surface of the earth, all its flora and fauna bowing to the one son of the being which spawned them. The Matrix screamed in concern, flaring wildly to try and reign Optimus back in, and it worked to a degree. Optimus's thoughts shifted, his ideals warping in response to the influx of his maker's power, but never did he become what his maker intended. Primus's touch was still powerful, but more subdued.

His attachments faded somewhat, ending up still present but distant in the ways of immortals gazing down upon their short lived comrades. He cared for his former team, he still loved his dear Autobots, but he knew what was best for them. The foolish children of Primus could not see their faults. The Decepticons were cruel, they were wild, and they were most certainly lost. However the Autobots were no better, their corruption ran deep, so deep in fact that only looking through the sight of one beyond mortality revealed it to him. Optimus had been so wrapped up in his war and maintaining morality that he hadn't seen the indoctrination, the functionalism, and the rampant biases that would most certainly lead to reinstitution of the council should the Autobots win. Changing their path was impossible now, but Optimus had no desire to kill those he held dear. He merely needed to play the side that needed his aid, just as he did with his false siblings during the first age.

They would hate him for it, but did they not hate him already?

With his frame having lost all its Cybertronian adaptations beyond the general form of one, Optimus was left with no ability to use internal commlink communication or any sort of technological advantage to contact Megatron. However Starscream quickly proved useful as soon as the seeker in exile was captured. Starscream shook like a leaf when he was wrenched out of the sky, and thus he complied swiftly when Optimus forced his shattered frame components to rattle in a mimicry of true speech.

Optimus: C̷o̴m̸m̸u̴n̴i̶c̸a̶t̷i̵o̷n̸ ̴m̷u̷s̷t̴ ̵b̷e̷ ̷a̸c̷h̵i̶e̴v̶e̵d̵.̷ ̶C̴o̴n̵t̷a̵c̶t̴ ̷M̸e̷g̶a̸t̴r̷o̸n̴ ̶o̵f̶ ̵K̵a̴o̶n̶.̶ ̶I̴ ̸m̴u̵s̸t̸ ̴s̵p̵e̸a̶k̵ ̶w̷i̴t̴h̴ ̶h̸i̷m̴.̴ ̶

Starscream, terrified for his life and unwilling to risk it: Of course my Lord.

Starscream was dutiful, and within the groon Optimus had communications established. It was of course an understatement to assume that Megatron was shocked. He witnessed Optimus's full might as Unicron woke, so seeing him in such a state once more put him on edge. However against all his expectations, Optimus did not threaten, he did not demand or speak in strange clinical whispers as he had last they met while the Prime was filled with the Unamaker's power. No, instead Optimus merely uttered his decree.

Optimus: M̴y̶ ̴m̵i̸n̶d̸ ̸w̴a̵s̵ ̷c̸l̴o̴u̵d̵e̶d̶ ̶b̵y̵ ̸m̵o̶r̷a̷l̴i̷t̸y̵ ̵t̶h̷a̵t̴ ̷I̷ ̷w̶a̴s̷ ̴n̸o̵t̸ ̵m̸e̷a̸n̶t̷ ̸t̶o̵ ̶c̶o̶m̶p̶r̴e̶h̴e̵n̷d̶.̷ ̴I̴ ̵d̷e̶v̸i̴a̴t̸e̴d̷ ̴f̵r̷o̶m̸ ̷m̸y̶ ̶p̵u̷r̴p̴o̷s̶e̶,̵ ̶a̵n̵d̵ ̴a̴l̵l̷ ̵o̷f̶ ̷P̸r̴i̸m̶u̸s̷'̴s̸ ̸c̷r̸e̴a̵t̵i̷o̶n̴s̸ ̸h̵a̵v̵e̵ ̵s̸u̴f̶f̶e̸r̵e̴d̷ ̵f̷o̷r̵ ̶i̵t̴.̴ ̵

Megatron: What do you want Prime?

Optimus: I̵ ̷w̵i̸s̷h̸ ̸t̸o̶ ̵m̴a̸k̶e̵ ̵t̷h̸i̸n̴g̸s̶ ̶r̸i̸g̷h̷t̴,̶ ̸t̷o̶ ̷e̷n̴d̵ ̵t̴h̶i̸s̶ ̸m̷e̵a̶n̴i̷n̵g̵l̸e̸s̸s̶ ̶s̵t̸a̷t̴i̸c̸ ̷c̵y̷c̶l̷e̶ ̶o̷f̷ ̷d̵e̸a̸t̸h̴ ̷a̸n̸d̷ ̶d̶e̷s̴t̵r̴u̷c̵t̸i̶o̶n̷.̸

Megatron: So you wish to slaughter me and my Decepticons with that newfound power of yours?

Optimus: N̸o̷,̴ ̷t̶h̴a̸t̴ ̶i̸s̸ ̵a̶ ̷w̵o̴r̶t̸h̷l̸e̷s̵s̵ ̶e̸n̸d̶e̸a̸v̴o̵r̸.̴ ̸T̶h̶e̴ ̵A̴u̴t̷o̴b̷o̴t̸s̴ ̴a̷r̷e̵ ̶g̷o̵o̸d̸,̵ ̴b̴u̷t̷ ̴t̷h̵e̷y̴ ̵a̸r̸e̶ ̸m̶i̷s̴g̶u̴i̶d̴e̸d̴ ̸s̶o̶ ̶g̵r̶e̶a̵t̵l̶y̵ ̵t̴h̶a̸t̷ ̶I̵ ̴c̴a̶n̵n̷o̴t̵ ̵f̶i̸x̸ ̶i̵t̷.̴ ̸T̶h̵e̷ ̷D̵e̴c̴e̷p̷t̷i̶c̷o̸n̴s̷ ̴a̷r̷e̸ ̵l̴o̴s̸t̶,̴ ̴b̸u̴t̵ ̵t̵h̷e̵y̶ ̵c̴a̵n̸ ̵b̷e̴ ̶f̶o̷u̵n̴d̶.̶

Megatron: Get to the point.

Optimus: I̶n̷ ̷e̶x̴c̸h̷a̵n̶g̶e̵ ̷f̴o̷r̵ ̶m̸y̷ ̴A̶u̸t̸o̸b̷o̷t̸s̸ ̵b̸e̴i̶n̴g̶ ̸a̷l̶l̸o̵w̸e̵d̶ ̶t̴o̴ ̷l̸i̵v̸e̵,̷ ̴I̷ ̶w̷i̷l̴l̶ ̸j̷o̵i̴n̵ ̸y̷o̵u̴ ̵a̸n̶d̵ ̷f̴i̵g̶h̷t̸ ̷f̴o̷r̵ ̸t̶h̷e̶ ̷f̵r̵e̸e̷d̴o̶m̵ ̷o̵f̵ ̶y̴o̶u̴r̸ ̶k̶i̴n̷.̷

There was a great silence from all present as the words were spoken. Starscream froze up, incapable of processing the Optimus Prime of all mecha was about to jump ship and swap sides. Soundwave very nearly lost his mind the moment the audio from the commlink was relayed to him. Every other present commander had to reboot their audial systems just to be sure they heard right. As for Megatron? He stopped, his optics wide as he listened and waited for the other shoe to drop. When Optimus said nothing else, he rebooted once and then nodded simply.

"I always knew you would make a fine Decepticon"

With no reason to doubt the Prime in his declaration and sensing Unicron's affirmation through the vague connection Megatron held to the chaos god, Optimus was soon allowed on board the nemesis. He was met with raised blades and increadible suspicion due to his prior behavior, however within a few weeks, that hostility all but vanished as Optimus proved his worth. The Decepticons were still wary of him, his field and nature as one of the Unmaker's creations ensured that. He was their opposite, a thing that was similar to them but not the same. Even still, the Vehicons laughed in joy when Optimus joined them on the battlefield as one of their own for the first time, much to the horror of the Autobots there to fight.

Bulkhead: Optimus? What are you doing?!

Optimus: I̶ ̵w̶a̵s̸ ̷l̶a̶x̶ ̷i̴n̷ ̸m̷y̵ ̷d̸u̷t̵i̸e̸s̴.̷ ̸B̵u̶t̷ ̶n̶o̵ ̷l̸o̴n̸g̵e̴r̵.̵ ̶I̷ ̶w̵i̵l̶l̵ ̴e̵n̷s̷u̸r̶e̶ ̷t̷h̶i̴s̶ ̶f̵o̷o̴l̷i̸s̸h̸ ̷w̸a̸r̶ ̶c̴o̵m̸e̸s̶ ̶t̶o̴ ̷a̵n̸ ̵e̴n̸d̶.̴

Arcee: Have you lost your mind!? What does that even mean!? What are you doing with the Decepticons?!

Optimus: D̷o̸ ̴n̷o̵t̸ ̶f̴e̸a̷r̴ ̸l̵i̵t̴t̵l̵e̸ ̵c̴h̴i̵l̵d̵r̷e̴n̷,̶ ̶y̴o̵u̷ ̸b̴e̷l̸o̷n̷g̴ ̵t̴o̸ ̶m̵e̴,̸ ̵a̸n̵d̴ ̷t̴h̶u̷s̷ ̴I̷ ̵w̵i̴l̸l̸ ̵m̶a̴k̶e̶ ̴s̴u̷r̵e̷ ̸t̴o̷ ̸k̵e̶e̶p̷ ̷y̴o̸u̷ ̴a̶l̴i̶v̶e̴ ̸a̸s̴ ̶I̴ ̵s̴e̶t̴ ̴t̵h̵i̵n̶g̶s̵ ̸r̴i̴g̸h̷t̶.̷ ̴

Unicron rejoiced as his son wrecked havoc on the battlefield. The children wept as they watched the recordings of the event. Bumblebee pulled away, blaming himself for his Sire's fall. Ratchet grew more and more guilt ridden, and the rest of the team were not much better off. They had failed and in their hubris they had driven their leader into a darkness they feared he would never emerge from. All the while the Decepticons grew more and more hopeful, all eager to see the war brought to a close even if none were comfortable around the Prime who now bore their emblem with controlled apathy.

[deleteddewewted]

Trans! Shinso Headcanons

Shinso x Gn! Reader

W/n: This is something I've hc for a long time but also something I've talked to a mutual about. Shinso gives some gender envy.

W: Insecurity, Shinso has parents (Not Eraserhead), Mentions of Transphobia, Intersex Character, Mentions of Needles (Not Graphic/Testosterone injections), Puppy love, Body worship (non-sexual), Mentions of therapy, Depression, Medication Usage

Commissions: Open! (You can commission me on Ko-fi!)

His parents were always upfront with him about him being intersex.

They wanted him to have a choice about who he was and what he wanted to do his health.

The world around them was safer and more understanding since quirks began to appear.

But it wasn't a 100% guarantee that people would be loving or embracing.

Bigotry and hate still prevailed and people maintained divided regarding mutants and quirk types.

They knew that if their child was going to be part of a unique demographic, they would rather their kid be prepared to face it rather than deny themselves from seeking their happiness.

So they did everything they could to make life enjoyable for.

They wen with what their doctor said and allowed Shinso to grow up unique himself.

They gave him the freedom to choose the clothes he wanted to wear and what toys he wanted to play with.

If he wanted to wear dresses they'd let him. If he wanted to have his haircut short they'd cut it short for him.

He was allowed to experiment and enjoy his childhood.

It was the outside world that was a little harder to navigate.

He would wear pink at times just because the color was stimulating to him.

He'd wear bows in his hair alongside his school uniform and he'd get teased for it by his classmates.

He couldn't understand why or the reasons behind the comments his classmates would make about him.

He remembered just feeling hurt and uncomfortable wearing certain items of clothing after the fact, at least in public.

As he entered middle school things started to fall into place for him.

He liked it when people would call a boy or a "young man".

He enjoyed presenting as more masculine and he enjoyed doing things that labeled him "manly".

But he still liked the more feminine things from his childhood.

He would buy makeup and his parents would encourage him to wear whatever he wanted.

He would paint his nails and would do his mother's nails too just because he found it relaxing.

He started using "he" and "him" pronouns.

It felt right. He felt right.

His parents took him to speak with his therapist and see what they could do to better support him since he was nearing puberty and it would create more complications with his quirk and his hormones.

They then took him to his doctors and had all the options listed out for them on what they could do to help him.

He was put on puberty blockers and was later on given testosterone.

The year before entering UA was an event in itself.

He was smaller compared to his other classmates.

He was thin and lanky with a little bit of peach fuss on his face.

Everyone was so fantastical and outgoing while he was the guy with an awkward smile and a raspy laugh.

He felt out of place again but it was now for two reasons.

His quirk was the thing that people focused on the most and it made him both self-conscious and resentful.

He wondered what life would be like if he hadn't developed his quirk. On other days, he asked if it would be easier to just be the villain others made him out to be.

It got bad for the first few weeks into UA.

He switched his dosage for his antidepressants and it caused him to get drowsier.

He could barely focus on his classes and he isolated himself from his class.

Nothing felt right and nothing felt good.

He hated how he looked and he loathed that he wasn't his "heroic" classmate.

He hated that he wasn't as defined or as muscled as his male classmates.

All of it. All of it took him into a deep depression and dark thoughts began to consume him.

He wanted to stop wearing his binders and he wanted to stop taking his hormones.

He just wanted everything to stop.

He just wanted to have a moment to breathe.

Shinso started taking his bike out with him on long rides around his neighborhood and on the weekends he would go out to a trail and just ride.

He was happy with the isolation and he felt like he had fresh air whenever he was far away from other people.

He liked it better this way.

He liked the loneliness because there was no judgment and no pressure.

And yet you turned that around when you came into his life.

When you came into his life it was like something had knocked the air out of him.

Your smile was infectious and your pretty eyes were the most mesmerizing thing in the world to him.

He knew he looked bizarre and out of place even among a sea of students with a variety of physical differences. He knew his presence was intimidating, but you, you were something else entirely.

You were so unique.

You lived your life in a way he did not think possible. You didn't care about what others thought about you or the way you dressed.

You spoke your mind, you embraced the flattering and unflattering aspects of your quirk.

You were free from the confines of teen angst and social pressure.

You looked comfortable in your skin.

You looked like the breath of fresh air he had been looking for.

He followed you around and sat next to you whenever he could even though he wouldn't say anything to you.

His face would get red just being near you and he'd subconsciously improve his posture and puff up his chest to impress you.

Was it kinda of cringe? Sure. Did you find it cute? Yes.

He'd offer up his class notes to you so you could study them if you felt lost during the lectures and he'd even draw silly cat doodles on a piece of paper just to leave them on your desk for you to find.

He was whipped by just how nice you were and how understanding you were with him.

You were always talking to him even if he didn't talk back.

You never asked him about his quirk and you'd never point out his scrawny physic.

You did mention his mustache that was starting to come in. You said it was cute and that he'd looked good with a mustache.

He was so flattered and felt so validated. You made him feel like he was good enough for you despite the fact everyone kept telling him that his quirk with yours wasn't compatible.

He felt good just being around you.

He liked getting compliments from you and you liked being around him.

You both grew closer and eventually, he started asking you to come over to his house to hang out and eventually ended up staying the night over multiple times throughout the week.

You learned a lot about him just by spending time at his place.

You liked cuddling with his stuffed cat plushie and you liked that his room had this playful feel to it.

He wasn't big on decoration but he had posters of his favorite movies and music bands all over the walls. He had those sticky stars and planet glow-in-the-dark stickers on the ceiling right on top of his bed.

He was also pretty open about his transition. (He told you he was trans and after another sleepover at his place he told you he was intersex.)

He would share his things with you like clothes and menstrual products since he always kept extra just in case.

You both would go shopping together and on more than one occasion he has asked you for your input on what binders he should get among other things.

He asked you if you would be ok with being in the room with him when he had to take his testosterone injections.

You both fell into a natural and almost domestic relationship and be it that he hadn't outright asked you out you both just started treating each other as partners.

You were exclusive with him and he was the same way with you.

Once he started bulking up from his training with Eraserhead, he started gaining confidence that wasn't really there.

He was more comfortable being shirtless around you. He even started sleeping without a shirt on when you stayed the night.

And because of this, he decided he was finally going to ask you out officially.

He was nervous of course. You were his first everything. You were the only person who he felt was his support besides his parents and the few friends he had managed to make along his journey to join the hero course.

You'd reassure him and reaffirm him on the things he was doing even if you didn't fully understand why he was doing them.

So as you both lay in his bed cuddling and trying to sleep, he whispered to you just how much you mean to him.

"You've been there for me since we've met and you've ever asked me to explain myself to you. You accepted me for who I was and that's something I've only had happened to me just a few times in my life. I can breathe with you here. I don't feel trapped or stuck anymore."

He took a big gulf before kissing the back of your neck and pressing himself closer to you.

"I love you more than words could describe and I wanted to ask you if you would officially be my partner. I couldn't envision a future in which I'm not with you and you're not with me." He waited in what felt like hours of silence before you answered him with a soft yes.

You both stayed together, wrapped in each other's arms excited to see what the future would hold for you and in your newly established relationship.

[gaypirate420]

Curiosity here: {Discussion}

If you could re-write Jasper but keep 2 things about him, what would you keep? Besides appearance and gift! How would you explore this new version of Jasper?

For me, I'd keep his army past and Alice. But I'd explore how he changes over time and comes to realize how bad being on the Confederate side & being racist is. (I think you get it I'm trying to keep this short.)

Such as what makes him change and how he copes with his new understanding, and y'know the whole process of that.

Ofc, she comes into play too, maybe she's the catalyst that gets him to thinkin' about the topic at the surface, but it eventually goes deeper as she overtime explains things to him, and he thinks further on his own. IDK BRO I'm just thinking and wanted to read what you'd do. {Have a discussion.}

I'd change him shacking up w/ the Cullens though...or maybe their relationships with each other. I'd love to explore everything basically around canon while still being divergent to an extent. (Canon Related?)

He'd be the main character, but I think you already knew that if you read or at least skimmed this. But I have a terrible fear of people misunderstanding me. (⊙﹏⊙)

But yeah, I was just curious! I know a lot of people have done all sorts of things with him in Fics regarding his past and such, but I do always enjoy reading your responses to things.

This is just a purely hypothetical discussion. {If this was ever made that would be ambitious as hell cause like mf is like... 150 years old!}

I don't even want to think about all that time, and they never sleep either so like holy hell. So many moments of introspection and guilt and etc. to write I'd have a mental collapse. {But that's me when I write anything but also editing sucks ass.}

But not to mention ofc the huge amounts of research everything would take, and I am a huge perfectionist.

-Sincerely a mutual who tried to ask a few questions then freaked out over my own questions.

I'm making this anon now because I fear this ask now.

I think we have the same idea dear mutual!

(this is so fucking long omg I went off the rails, let me know what y'all think.)

I wouldn't rewrite anything, I'll just play it differently, I'll give it a nice depth.

I've always been on the side that just rewrite or ignore Jasper's confederate past is- not ideal. Yeah it's okay for a silly little comfort fic with your favorite vampire but not when talking about his actual canon characterization.

I would keep him serving for the Confederate army. I know a lot of people don't like that about him, but, I think it's a huge part of his character but there was something lacking there.

And what was missing is guilt.

Jasper, as to how he is written, and how we see the scenes of his past are played on both the book and the movie makes him look like he wasn't ashamed of his racist past or that he was even still prideful for it.

And it's so weird for me, how could this man who spent a century long depression, a self described "monster" a "nightmare" that just floods with self loathing couldn't feel guilty for not only taking someone's life but their freedom?

How could he feel guilty over killing the newborns but not black people? It doesn't make sense and it makes it worse, it makes you think that he, in modern times, it's still a confederate and also because vampires are "mentally frozen." He's not changed that much really then.

(I think Jasper lacking guilt and remorse about these fact about him is because of SM and her own views she not so subtlety spread all over her books though.)

So yes, I am keeping him as an ex-confederate soldier. Jasper was 17 so we are just to assume he was ignorant, and that's okay, we can live with an ignorant white boy for now. I cannot stress enough about how there is no need to make mental flips and splits to justify this choice of thinking in a 17 y/o southern boy from the 1840's. But, he gets to change, he, after the first years of him killing the newborns reflects about this, he might not be completely educated but he has the spirit.

Now let's talk about Alice.

I love her, but, if we are really analysing this then her and therefore the rest of the Cullens (because they welcome her and Jasper on their family) are okay with Jasper serving for the confederacy and I don't like that.

Why did Alice make him feel hope and all this shit and get him to change and learn a new life but didn't make him reflect on that maybe, perhaps, fighting for the enslavement of an entire race wasn't a good thing to do.

She says "you'll never be that again." referring to him being a vampire killing machine, not a racist, may I remind y'all.

So, I think the change would be about Alice teaching him things, Jasper spent so much time with Maria and then he was seriously depressed, I get the idea he wasn't interested on- going outside besides to feed from humans.

I think there are two types of vampires, those who love seeing humanity grow and change and come up with all these little inventions and then the ones who just see humans as prey.

Alice being the first and Jasper the second, but not for long after he meets her.

I think Alice could update him about the modern world that was the 50's, she would educate her that yes, Jasper's gentlemanly ways are charming and make her blush and giggle but there are some comments that aren't okay, just because in "his time" it was "okay", "funny" or "right", to say these things doesn't make them less offensive, dismissive and hurtful.

Alice would ask Jasper what did he felt while serving? And why? Was he even fully aware of what he was fighting for? Did the years of him seeing countless human's fight and go to wars that got bloodier and more destructive made him stop and think about the damage of his own army career?

Make the man reflect. Make him think for days and days about these questions he asked himself but never truly took the time to answer them. I need Jasper to have a slight mental breakdown before he gets to know the more peaceful life with the Cullens and Alice.

Alice asked these questions in her endless curiosity, not in innocence, but rather to know Jasper, really know him and understand him.

I want him to feel disgusted about having to feed from humans now that he realizes how much harm he did, and that's were the Cullens come in, Alice knows about her new family of course and it's more than excited to know her mate wants this life too, not because oh he's so in love with her he'll do anything (he is) but because he wants to change.

Carlisle let's him stay because he knows this, he understands in a way and he can't help but sympathize with him and Alice wanting to change herself and help her partner.

But Jasper can't fully because his body is asking him to kill constantly. He doesn't want to keep harming people, but his body can't forget, not only his body it's scarred as a reminder, but there's this annoying bloodlust that doesn't want to go away just yet.

But he has Alice, holding his hand and make him feel like everything will be alright.

Jasper is struggling but he is changing, he is getting more and more mental peace, finally, after a century and a half. It's slow, it's painful but it's there, self forgiveness and change.

One of the things that I love, a concept, Jasper being into philosophy, history and just literature, him loving to learn.

I love that in Breaking Dawn Jasper wanted to help Bella with her thirst. And of course I love him being hurt when she's way more successful than he is after so many years.

Seeing someone who you share the same experiences is so amazing, it helps you, but seeing them overcome this challenges that you also endure it brings you down on such a horrible way, it hurts you, but it makes you think of who you were before and how much you have accomplished. How much you've changed and that's my take on Jasper Hale.

I am not normal about him.

Also, I think I would change vampires not being able to sleep or cry, I think Jasper deserves both, as a treat :). I love him.

[qqueenofhades]

so how do you think it would be best for American leftists to label ourselves, if not socialist? i've always seen socialism as one of the more palatable terms for leftism. i agree that meeting people where they are + responding thoughtfully and compassionately to their concerns is essential, but i also think we need to use the terms which accurately describe us, and *show* through our community building and efforts that dictators like Castro and Stalin do not represent us

Frankly -- and this is never going to actually happen, but I can dream -- I honestly wish the left would just abandon the word "socialism" altogether. It's never going to be palatable in the American context, there's never going to be a moment where you can just use it and have people immediately know what you mean and/or that you mean the "good" kind of socialism and not the "bad," and it's heretofore been one of the most effective cudgels for the right-wing noise machine to hit us with. Maybe when the older generations all die out, we might have a shot at rehabilitating it, but not until then, and definitely not with the way things are going right now. I'd say that the left can keep it to use among themselves if they have to, but since the one thing that leftists love to do is attack other leftists for being Insufficiently Pure, I'm not even sure it has any use in that regard. It's become an empty signifier and it has, so far as I can see, no real critical use (a bit like "feudalism" to a medieval historian, but never mind that).

Besides, what are we actually saying with the word "socialism," and in some way that we can't rephrase and say more effectively? I would define the progressive/left-wing Democratic agenda as focused on achieving economic and racial justice, protections for women, minorities, LGBTQ+ people, abortion rights, workers, etc., reforming or otherwise significantly changing the late-stage capitalist system, fighting climate change and promoting green initiatives, and other similar policies. How exactly does the word "socialism" signify any of that, and why is it necessary that we keep it? Especially when it's been proven that this does not help us win elections and drives away the Mushy Middle voters that we have to convince to vote for us long enough to actually keep a Democratic administration/Congress in power to make changes, rather than seesawing back to the GOP every few years and putting us even more miserably behind the 8-ball?

This doesn't mean we should BE Mushy Middlemen ourselves, or aspire for some milquetoast centrism that solves nothing and pleases no one, but rather we need to figure out how to make Middle America embrace our policies as they are and how to make them attractive in that context. I think Biden did this very well with his re-election video, where he cast the Democrats as the party of freedom. This is the most American word you can possibly think of, and Americans are predisposed to like anything associated with that word. Heretofore the GOP has had a total stranglehold on it, and defined it very narrowly as military triumphalism and personal freedom to be a dick to everyone you encounter and do whatever you want while trampling over the rights of others. But that's obviously a wildly hypocritical and distorted version of "freedom," in the most Orwellian sense imaginable, and the Democrats actually are the party of freedom: freedom to live your life how you choose, freedom to make choices about your own body, freedom to let your kids be who they want and learn the truth and not get murdered in school, freedom to not live in an authoritarian repressive fascist theocracy. For way too long, Democrats have just meekly ceded the "freedom" word to Republicans, who have shit all over it and made it meaningless the way they have with everything else, and that's a major error.

Likewise, "justice" is another word that the Republicans have appropriated to mean "locking up black people for anything we want and mindlessly worshiping cops," but which Democrats need to get into reclaiming. Everybody can see for themselves how wildly corrupt and unjust the GOP-packed federal judiciary and SCOTUS is (with scandal-a-day Clarence Thomas and the rest of the Federalist Society monsters). The Democrats have a golden opportunity to -- accurately -- cast themselves as the party of justice: economic, racial, climate, gender, etc etc. It's already been proven that "defund the police" is a bad message, so don't SAY that. But talk about an overall scheme of achieving justice, and Middle America likes that! They like to see themselves as generally fair and supporting people who "play by the rules." Yes, of course the law is by nature unjust, but we can still make that messaging work to our advantage to get them to support us.

Basically, I want to see leftists and Democrats alike use the language that the country is predisposed to like: words like justice, freedom, fairness, equality, etc. It's harder to smear somebody as a nasty anti-American socialist (not, of course, that the right wing won't try) if they're talking about those things, especially freedom, and especially in a left/liberal context as the GOP becomes ever more paranoid, fascist, and authoritarian. Besides, they know they're in the minority. Abortion bans aren't popular (they really, REALLY aren't popular). Book bans aren't popular. Attacks on women, LGBTQ+ rights, and trans kids aren't popular. Election denialism and attempted coups aren't popular. Endless and unrestricted assault weapons aren't popular. Yes, a fringe part of this country is awfully and irredeemably poisoned by theocratic fascist white supremacy, but they're still not the majority, and we don't need to act like they are, or write off everybody who's not a Terminally Online Leftist as impossible to ever reach or convince. That just provides a convenient excuse for not doing any work and just letting things get worse.

So like... the Democrats and the leftists alike need to lean into these words and stop letting Republicans monopolize them with their idiot and hypocritical definitions. They also need to reckon with the fact that for a not-insignificant portion of visible and vocal tankie-leftists, they DO want to emulate Castro and Stalin, or at the very least, not care at all about the historical baggage that comes with those names. They feel that any terrible dictator was secretly good if they were a) anti-American and b) describable as "leftist" in some vague and overarching sense of the word, and that's sure as hell not going to convince John and Jane Q. NiceIowaCouple to like them. It sure as hell doesn't convince ME to like them, and I'm already a leftist/liberal who has never voted for a Republican in my life. And because we are at such a dangerous moment where we've escaped fascism but it's still trying with all its might to come back, we really, really can't afford this. It's stupid and it's useless and it's just mean.

Anyway: I want people to stop f'n using the word "socialism," especially since most of them couldn't actually define what it means, what it has meant in the past, or why any benefits outweigh the clear and obvious costs. Start talking about justice, freedom, and fairness instead, show how those things can be improved with Democrats/progressives/liberals in charge instead of Republicans, and then act accordingly. I think that might work better.

[elegyofthemoon]

yoohoo! i remember you had a robin pfp somewhat recently, so... could you do the character bingo with her?

YEAH I WAS VERY EXCITED TO MEET ROBIN WHEN PENACONY WAS FIRST RELEASING !! she, firefly, and misha were the ones i was most excited to meet :D so to celebrate I had Robin as the theme of my blog for a little while ^ w ^

blank character bingo

uhh to be safe! i shall put this under the cut but some hsr 2.0 spoilers :D (ik we're on 2.1 rn but still! to be safe!!)

i'd like to stress on the SQUEAK panel because the way that the ending of 2.0 had me go insane that i 100% all areas in penacony in hopes to find clues about WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY GIRL NOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL

I refused to accept that she died and wanted to understand WHAT happened which inevitably turned into me searching and finishing all the missions in Penacony and 😭 I still have zero idea what happened. and I mean. technically 2.1 gave us the answer about what happened, but that doesn't explain how people die in this dream when usually if people die, they just wake up back in the Reverie

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO ROBIN??????

I think she's really interesting though, even if we only get to know her through word of mouth - which is. kinda fitting for an idol like her. You only know her image, not the person she is. You could even meet her former teacher who envies Robin stealing her spotlight, and how Singer mentions that Robin and The Family had some argument or conflict between each other. It made me wonder if that's the reason why she left to be a Galaxy known singer rather than staying in Penacony since she only came back because of that.

Hmm... Now that I'm here. There was this thing about Robin being an Emanator for Harmony because she was said to be blessed by Xipe themself for such a talented voice and how Penacony was just Obsessed with Robin to the point that uhhh I forgot her name but the NPC who follows Idrila was just sick of being under Robin's shadow as well.

If Robin had gotten into a fight with The Family, I wonder if her leaving and returning may have been the cause for her voice to be Weird (I don't understand), getting her powers revoked and all that.

All this next to her song "If I Can Stop One Heart from Breaking" really fits the "bird in a cage" imagery that her splash art has WHICH MAKES ME ADORE HER ALL THE MORE I LOVE BIRD IN A CAGE IMAGERY SM (SHAKES HER)

The other thing I did while coping was start questioning "why is it that Firefly and Robin had to die in this?" I mean, albeit, both deaths have different modus operandi, where Firefly's body dissipated (which is what I anticipate will happen too with Sunday's) and Robin's didn't. And I reflected a bit more on Firefly's monologue regarding why do people dream/sleep, in which the answer was "because they're afraid to wake up." That whole scene was played out with Robin's song in the background which ALSO is all about how with no other choice, the character of the song has no choice but to dream of freedom that they weren't given -- to not face that reality.

Put both of those together -- that Firefly and Robin both stood for the freedom dreams can give and that both characters wind up dying in 2.0 -- I sorta thought about the dream of Penacony crashing down entirely.

But maybe it's also that having both die is just the counter to this question that hangs over Penacony arc: Why do people sleep? since it repeats itself too in 2.1 :]

So I just. I like Robin through the things I've collected about her but also what she may have stood for in the realm of the Penacony arc in its entirety.

I really hope to pull for her when she does come out though :D I was supposed to save my guarantee after losing on Luocha for her but I pulled Acheron asdklfajh So we'll see if I can get her. Ik I'm excited to read more about her character story. And also know whether or not she's actually dead or is that a fake body that we saw.

[shoezuki]

writing my final essay on the Beat Generation rn and that whole literary movement in america. and my essay topic is basically me arguing that bob kaufman Fucks and was the best beat. because tbh he was

but this also like. contains a lot of my distaste for the beat movement and that this course has really made me more.... like. i dont really like the beat movement much? i mean the biggest aspect of it, of the idea of freedom and no responsibility or consequences is somethin i dont like. most the other shit, bout sexual freedom and movement and anticapitalist n antimaterialist notions are all good. but the beats are just so inherently American. the underlying idea of freedom is SO inherently american in terms of like... the idea of it. its so very 'i can do whatever i want, whenever i want, and i dont care if it hurts other people because i value my freedom over the consequences or responsibilities i would be expected to assume.' its this idea of freedom in terms of absolute individuality and its far too self absorbed for me.

but another Issue i take w it was like. the movement was heavily inspired by black culture, and all about defying social norms and rejecting conformity. but there was still a major issue with norms in the movement itself or at least in terms of how media perceived it. like yes it was about liberty and freedom but also all the most well known beat writers are white dudes. many of them like kerouac held views of women as inherently lesser still.

and like. in that regard most of the most known beats who are like. THE beat writers. were kinda hypocrites. like kerouac didnt think women could write and when he met one woman who was a good writers he saw her as an exception. and with burroughs he was like, from an extremely wealthy family and was given an 'allowance' his whole life and never had to work and so his rejection of capitalism and the job market feels flat in that he can say all that from a place of privilege.

i mentioned it to my professor when we'd talk bout it but honestly the most authentic beats who didnt seem hypocritical or make the movement feel hypocritical to me were those who were marginalized and didnt have a choice in rejecting society. like allen ginsberg was one the Big Beats as well and to me he is the most Beat out of the main three of him and burroughs and kerouac. cuz ginsberg was an openly gay man in a long term relationship, he was jewish and lived on the fringes of 'acceptable' american society as an outlier.

it especially goes for bob kaufman. he was always left out of the beat movement and ignored and even in modern times doesnt really get the credit and recognition that he deserves. but holy fuck if anyone was ACTUALLY beat it was him! he was a black man with a jewish father. he created poetry without ever really writing it down besides on napkins and would 'perform' his poetry on streets and yelling out poems or sticking his head in peoples cars. he did not ever seek out publishing his work and he purposefully would confuse any publishers and would lie about himself and his life so even now some of the aspects of his biography is confusing. he wanted to be forgotten! he was never concerned with actually carrying on his work or creating it and there was something beautiful in that. he was constnatly accosted by police to the point that specific officers would harass and abuse him whenever they felt like it. he actually experienced a lot of the bullshit and hardships the beats rejected and criticised. many white beat writers chose to reject social norms, but he had no choice! theres something so much more authentic about the rejection of society when you by virtue of existing cant even exist within societal norms itself.

he was just. such an interesting dude. and the beat movement abandoned him because he was too far on the fringes of society that the public couldnt accept him. motherfucker wanted that, in a way, though. like he took back his silencing by silencing himself. he wasnt being forgotten or silenced or ostracized anymore, because he wanted to be forgotten.

[papirouge]

In case you want to debunk this dumbass terf post about how disability based abortions aren’t eugenics because wah wah poor women shouldn’t have to take care of disabled babies

https://aa-terf.tumblr.com/post/691500757573419008/im-once-again-here-to-tell-you-that-eugenics-is

I’m a therapist for kids with developmental disabilities and I am disgusted

LOL why has my blog become a receptacle to call out radfem crap? 😭 WHY WOULD YOU INFLICT TO ME THAT, ANON??

anyway, I love how this woman defined eugenics, and then explained the reason WHY women resorted to abortion were valid......when these reasons were actually part of eugenicism

she said

"eugenics is the study of how to arrange reproduction within a human population to increase the occurrence of heritable characteristics regarded as desirable"

and then

"It is not women getting abortions because their child will be permanently disabled and or in chronic physical pain if they are born. It is not women deciding they cannot care for a down syndrome child who will need permanent care"

and yet, what OP conveniently avoided bringing up is "W H Y" are these women are getting abortion then? If not to spare them an "UNDESIRABLE" life that would be plagued with "chronic physical pain". These are exactly the same arguments are eugenicsts ; not only they want to only "desirable traits" to be allowed on society, they coincidentally prevent "undesirable" ones existing. If you deem A as "undesirable" (A in the situation is "disability") to justify the people with A characteristics' eradication, then you incidentally elevate anything that isn't A as (more) desirable.

eugenics

/juːˈdʒɛnɪks/

noun

noun: eugenics

the study of how to arrange reproduction within a human population to increase the occurrence of heritable characteristics regarded as desirable. Developed largely by Sir Francis Galton as a method of improving the human race, eugenics was increasingly discredited as unscientific and racially biased during the 20th century, especially after the adoption of its doctrines by the Nazis in order to justify their treatment of Jews, disabled people, and other minority groups.

We have here the most glaring hypocrisy & intellectual inconsistency of radical feminists : DAY AND NIGHT they are prompting women to questions their own choices and how they can affect their social freedom, but N E V E R when it comes to abortion. That's how a simple WHY totally debunks OP standpoint because it would actually reveal that YES, abortions rely on the willingness to retrieve the acess to an "undesirable life" to sick or disabled people, which relates to eugenics.

"[eugenics] is not individual women making choices that effect their lives and bodies and families."

oh so why do radfem seethe at sex preference favoring MALE baby? Aren't those "individual choices" (made by women preferring a male child), too?🤡 After all, in many of those countries, having a male boy does positively effect their life and families since malehood is elevated & sought after, unlike female ones.

It's been years I've been pulling out this intellectual consistency and not a single one managed to circle this square out :

If choices made by women can & should be criticized, so should be abortion.

[universestreasures]

@crimsonkaiser (To Get Unite Going!)

Teasing had always been something the prince had been subjected to. From his own family to those outside and inside the palace, it always seemed like he was the target of such things by others. That meant even his bodyguard, his childhood friend who had sworn his life to protect and look after him, often partook in jests too. Guess Aichi made things too easy with how easily embarrassed his was, the red color gracing his soft features at this moment in response to a little jab about his fiance Kai just made being a testament to that.

"W-What?! K-Kai Kun, y-you know it's not like that!" He blurts out, not doing the best job at proving Kai's assumptions wrong by how he was stammering the words out. "M-Misaki and I are just friends! S-She's like a big sister to me more than anything! T-The only reason we're engaged is to keep relations good between the clans! I-If we had the choice, we'd opt out of it!"

He’s certainly tried to convince his father to change the arrangements plenty of times over the years, but the agreement had been set since they were very young. The Genesis and Oracle Think Tank clans were crucial to the runnings of the nation. Without their predictive powers, their army wouldn't nearly be as effective. Keeping those relations good was a top priority of King Ahmes, even at the cost of his oldest son's freedom in regard to who he'll marry.

“Besides, even if I did feel that way about her, I…I wouldn’t be worthy of her. I’m not worthy of anyone…”

~

[thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness]

Spice e-plus interview Die & Toshiya 27th April 2021

DIR EN GREY:  What’s the current mood of a band that chose to move forward even in times of Corona? DIR EN GREY is releasing their 32nd single "Oboro" on April 28th. After a series of cancellations and postponements of their lives due to the Corona outbreak, the band continues to move forward with activities such as “Explosive screening ‘Meguro Rock-May-Kan GIG”, an unattended live performance recorded at Meguro Rock-May-Kan GIG,  that is being screened at live houses all over the country. We asked Die (Gt) and Toshiya (Ba) remotely about the shocking music video, the new song "Oboro", and the current band mood.

Notes before reading: This is Die and Toshiya’s interview for the Japanese website Spice E-plus published on April 27th. Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistakes or any confusing parts. Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :) --- Original interview: Here

Text by:  Yohsuke Hayakawa ---This interview was done on the last day of the  “Explosive screening ‘Meguro Rock-May-Kan GIG” but, even though there is no audience in that live, the band could play together on a stage for the first time in a while.

Die: That’s right. There was no audience, however at the time of recording there were some moments in which it was difficult to play as there were no limits. The fact we were able to get together for the first time in a long time and play together as a band was simply touching/ emotional.  However, it becomes difficult if you can’t see the audience. Last year we did an unattended live broadcast but that was the first time and as it was broadcasted in real time, I was nervous. In that sense, this time was a bit different from the previous live without audience we did. -How was the “Meguro Rock-May-Kan GIG” for you, Toshiya? Toshiya: First of all, I think it was the best thing to be able to show movement as a band. Also, I’d say overwhelming? About being able to play together, I think the words I’d use would be “happy” and “fun”.

-Ah, it felt like returning to a place that it’s like the origin of the band. Toshiya: That’s right. When the five of us played together for the first time, it was interesting and fun, somehow, I think I was really nervous about it. It’s not something that paralyzes you, I think it was a natural feeling after all. In this special environment because of Corona, it was like the first time we played together, I thought again “after all, this is it”. -In terms of freshness, you also had the chance to play “Ochita koto no aru Sora” (digital single released in August 2020) live for the first time. Toshiya:  Yes. After all, I could realize that as opposed to when you play it with headphones, the rhythm is adjusted in an atmosphere in which the air is moving around. Die: Actually, I felt it was a song that felt familiar and I was playing it while feeling that if we went on tour, I would be able to create more and more grooves.

“ We can’t play lives but as we are making songs for the album, we are moving forward. I’m hopeful because of that” (Die) -Along with the latest songs, there were some nostalgic songs that suit “Meguro Rock-May-Kan GIG”, especially “JEALOUS” was a surprise. Moreover, it was the original version, not the “reverse” one. Die: Hahaha. Well, we’ve played old songs on the "mode of ~" tours, so it’s a song we can still play. However, the tempo of the songs at that time was too different from what it is now (laughs).  It’s simple, but it feels like I’m playing a song from another band. Toshiya: Regarding “JEALOUS”, we were planning to play it at the cancelled tour『TOUR20 Sogai』 - I didn’t expect to heart it at this timing.  Hearing it after a long time…. the impression I got is that the sense of consistency has increased in “JEALOUS”. Die: Hehehe. Toshiya: I think that's right. As we didn’t listen to the click (of the metronome) in the old songs, if someone was going faster, everyone would go faster to keep up the rhythm, and if someone messed up, everyone would be drawn into that.  In that sense, I had a lot of freedom but as recent songs (the rhythm) are matched by this clicking, in order to do that, I tried “JEALOUS” using a metronome this time. That’s why I think you got that impression that it “clicked”. Die: Well, I think we should had done it more freely.  Not using a metronome click as we used to do, the tempo of the song is determined by the feeling of the venue. Certainly, at that time, everyone was doing it like that so I wish we could do it in that way this time too. Toshiya: Yes, that way is a possibility as well. If we have a chance, I think it would be good to do it in such a highly flexible situation. Well, from time to time there will be different rhythms within the band, if the members are simply playing at that moment and doing well, I think the audience will listen to it naturally  and will go with it comfortably. -I see. So, it’s been said for a while you were in the process of making an album, has your mindset changed since when you were working in “Ochita koto no aru Sora", which was done in a relatively early stage of this Corona situation, until now? Die: For me personally, I don't think it has changed. From the beginning, my feelings are heading towards a new album. We are releasing a single this time, but we were working on arranging different songs in parallel, so the mood is basically the same. We haven't been able to play lives since last year due to the corona, but that doesn't mean we've changed the way we make it. Basically, it hasn’t changed our way of working remotely. “When I listened to the melody, I felt the hope that "I'm sure we can make something beyond our imagination next time." (Toshiya) -So, how about you, Toshiya? T: Personally, there have been quite a few changes during that time. The world situation has changed due to the Corona situation and I wondered if we could released the single we made and if the fans would listen to it. I want to play concerts but I can’t do it……how could say it?....this is my point of view but….it’s like I didn’t know what’s the purpose of the band, it’s a bit confusing for me. It's a big thing for me to think that way. Well, now I feel like I have no choice but to move forward. Until that seemed like that, I was thinking where I should rely on, I felt like, where should I set a goal? -Do you mean now after such a period? I wonder if there was a moment in which those feelings you had went up as the new songs for the album took shape. Toshiya: That's right. I haven't seen the goal yet, but I'm working on pre-production with the band right now. After that there will be a period in which the songs will be released. I was listening to the songs that the members brought there, and it was really interesting for me. -Oh, is it interesting? T: Yes. It's completely different from the songs I made myself, and when they pass through the filters of each members, they become versatile and I think that’s very interesting. I don't actually see the members face to face and interact with them but when I listened to the songs, I felt the hope that "Oh, I'm sure we can make something beyond our imagination next time". I think the other members  might also hope for that, or renewed their feelings like about it like, "I have to do my best for DIR EN GREY". Die: Well, about that you mentioned, making songs for the album ... You can see hope as Toshiya said, we can’t play lives, but we're moving forward. I feel hope in that. -That you had to work on the album during this corona situation had a positive effect on your mind. Die: But after all, there is a continuous cycle for the band, touring and producing, and one of them is missing. I don't feel the that tension there. So, while thinking “There is nothing we can about it because we can’t play lives", we are making the next new album and continuing with the hope that later we will be able to tour again. -As a result of concentrating on production in such an environment, do you feel a good response in what you are creating now? T: Of course, there is a response, but I wonder if it’s really good to pack our current feelings together in it. I haven’t found a decisive factor yet. Several complications came out quite a bit but, maybe it’s the way it is now, and it and I guess it’s not over yet. Die: Rather than “in this kind of situation”, the hurdles are simply rising. Everyday, there are many....many....(laughs) -Hahaha. Was that so? Die: Yes. It’s always the same but, if you find a keyword or a hint to the next album, it will lead you to make several songs. Now I think it is still part of our work to find that. I can’t really say at this point what kind of specific feeling is but, if we find it, we can change the shift, or it will be easier to find the direction of the album. Right now, we are exploring this aspect and we haven’t come to any conclusion yet. There will be a moment  it would be like “this is the atmosphere” and it will flow in that way, so I guess it will be easier to go that way. We have no option but explore it further. “It's been 24 years since the band was formed, and it’s like the challenges we are going through are also reflected in the MV, it’s not like we are going to sit back and rest on our laurels” (Die) -I think the song that gives you a glimpse of how the next album will be it’s the new single “Oboro”. At the time of this interview, just the 15- second MV teaser was released but….no, it already is having a strong impact! Toshiya: Hehehe Die: (Smiles)  As for the MV, the concrete idea came out from Kyo, and from that idea everyone went to do it in that direction but, well, it’s like it can’t be done without us, right? It’s been 24 years since the formation, and it seems that the things we are challenging are also reflecting in things like that. It’s not like we are going to sit back and rest on our laurels. -Yes. I feel you are a band that doesn’t know the meaning of “withering” and in a good sense, doesn’t settle down. Die: That’s right. When I was shooting the MV, I talked a bit with Kyo, I was like “Isn’t this too edgy? It’s too much”. Probably, I think that a scene like this can be shown firmly even in a MV where only 5 people play, and I think  it can be expressed in a simple form, but DIR EN GREY isn’t just there, after all, I thought we had to beat in/smash down more and more. So, the MV set this time reminded me of the atmosphere when we debuted, I was feeling like it was still aggressive and no good. -In an era when there is a call for compliance/ obedience, you must have an image of reliance. Die: Haha. But there is a part that it can’t be played (on TV etc…) (laughs). -It’s true (laughs). Toshiya: Well, so this is also part of DIR EN GREY. This talk we just had, I wonder if this scene with the five members playing is also part of what DIR EN GREY is. Personally speaking, I want to try to go to other places rather than this one at the next chance. I still don’t know what that would be, and when it comes to what we are actually going to do, I think everyone, including myself, will be concerned about it again. However, if some form remains, I would like to do something that it’s constantly evolving. -When it comes to the style of your MVs, you want to be a band that has no limits. Toshiya: That's right. For example, DIR EN GREY is gloomy, isn't it? DIR EN GREY is heavy, difficult, and intense, isn't it? Of course, I think it's an option that we can be caught like that (in a MV) but if we even want to surprise ourselves, after all I think I want us to keep working as hard as we can. I’m sure we jumped over those limits but maybe….just maybe….I think that’s  the things the 5 members are looking for…. -In 24 years of activity as a band,  if now it’s time to shake off everywhere, that’s your strength as a band. Toshiya: Yes, I think so. -So, "Oboro" is a ballad with a power and lyrics unique to DIR EN GREY, I felt  the core was made in a way to make you listen to the song and the live  performance of it in a fresh shape. It’s because each part is powerful, even though there are instruments in it that are not the usual ones in the band. As for the arrangements that the band did, was it simply a scraping work? Die: Now it’s simpler than it used to be, we’ve been focusing more on how to make the sound that’s in more powerful than actually just adding more. As I had that mental image,without overdubbing  the guitar arrangement as much as possible, I went in the direction of reducing it. It might be a bad way to say this but, I approached the arrangements with the feeling that this is what I’m going to play live later, so it was like “don’t do anything crafty/pretentious”. -It seems that you are using a Fender Jazzmaster for recording, did you do that choice because of what you just said? Die: That's right.  After all, for chord stroke parts, etc… I’m going to play with that guitar and that tone quality later. So, when I tried to use that kind of chord progression for the first time in a while, it was simple, but it felt like something fresh. It really resonated with me, and when I listened to it myself, I simply thought, "Oh, that's good" (laughs). -Hahaha. That’s good. Is that feeling of being a raw band an essential point for you? Die: Well, that's right. At the so-called chorus part,  it wasn’t  just about filling the backing with the low notes of the guitar. I also took on a new challenge to be able to see the scenery further. “I think there will surely be something that makes it fun for the band, fun to match our sounds again, there will be something that it’s going to feel interesting for sure.” (Toshiya) -I see. Also, the bass phrase is a basic one, but it’s done with an approach that makes each note stand out, including the tone quality/timbre. Toshiya: Regarding “Oboro”, I simply thought  the dynamic image of it would be the most attractive thing, so I wanted to hear each and every sound without really doing anything extra. Up until now, there were too many things we wanted to do, and we wanted to include that and this as well, I had a sound barrier, but I couldn't hear what I wanted to hear. While narrowing down the main points and making it possible to listen to each part you want to hear firmly, still, each of the members started  working on it with the idea that to be able to listen to each part of it would be the virtue of this composition. - As a result, the bass sounds with a thick sound image that has a strong presence. Toshiya: That's right. At the end, I think the part where you can hear the sound of the bass alone is quite distorted, but that is the tone through all the song, and the sound is quite distorted. However, when the sounds overlap, the low feeling is more noticeable than the distortion. Normally, if it is distorted, it tends to overlap  when you join all the parts. However, as I said earlier, each member was thinking about how they wanted to hear their own sound, and even if it is distorted very much, the sound has a strong presence. I think I was able to reach such a result firmly. -While setting up the coordination/the harmony of  the musical instruments, is your main idea oriented toward making a song “that makes people listen to it”? Toshiya: Yes, I have in mind that it’s going to become a song. After all, it’s because I’m thinking it will be a full song. However, I think at that point the band sound has become unbeatable. Die: First of all, the basics of a song (without the lyrics) start once the instrumental part is recorded.  At that point, I still have no idea what kind of song we are getting into, so after the approach of how it’s going to be the singing part actually comes, the task is replacing some parts with a backing that makes the most of the lyrics. I’m always trying to figure out how to make the lyrics stand out. -I'm looking forward to hearing "Oboro" live, but recently you announced a live performance at the Tokyo Garden Theater ("Sogai") on May 6th. After cancelling the tour and Pia Arena MM performance scheduled last year,  does this live performance with audience mean that, after all you have been through, you can see a way that the band can perform in this situation? (* It was announced that this "Sogai" live will be postponed due to the announcement of the state of emergency on April 23rd.) Toshiya: The members and the staff included talked about this a lot, but in the end, after a lot of discussions we came to the conclusion that it couldn’t be “as under these circumstances we can’t do it, we won’t do it’  but rather, the talk went into the direction of “If we don’t do it, we won’t accomplish anything”, of course, there is a national guideline for lives and we have to obey it. While thinking about that, as for DIR EN GREY, nothing will work unless we take action. If you don't take a step, nothing will happen. If you don't move now and say "Let's wait for the time to come",  it’s more like, “when will that time come?”. - That's true. Toshiya: Then, instead of waiting for the time to come, we thought it would be better to make "now" the right time for us. - While there is a change in your previous mindset, you made the best choice you can make now. Toshiya: That’s right.  Our mindset is simply different from those days. Die: As Toshiya said, if you don't experience a live performance during Corona, nothing will come out, and if you simply say, “we won't do a live concert during Corona," that's all. I think we should also have the experience of a live performance under the regulations. At the moment, we can’t ask everyone to come, but it's important for the future that we don't wait without moving at all, that we take a step forward and experience this kind of live. It’s a live that was decided with no idea of how it will turn out. -Is it necessary for yourselves to continue the band in the future? Is it also a trigger/spark for you? Toshiya: Yes. We felt that we couldn't get anything unless we acted on our own to get something. We had a discussion about what we could do while following the guidelines, and we thought that it was the live concert that would be the spark/trigger for us, so I would like to take on the challenge of the next live concert with that decision. As I mentioned at the beginning of this interview, I think there will surely be something that makes it fun for the band, fun to match our sounds again, there will be something that it’s going to feel interesting for sure. In addition, although there is a limit on the number of people who can attend the live, this time there will be  audience there. It’s a commonplace but, I think we can get something like a synergistic effect by colliding with the people who is going to come. - It will finally be a live  with audience in front of you. Die: That's right. However, the hurdles are still rising. You have to make a live concert following a guideline such as half of the capacity of the venue or not being able to shout/scream. I don't think it's good to say, "As the audience can’t shout/scream, we are not sure about doing it". Since we decided to do it, I think we have to do a DIR EN GREY live that has never been seen before. The future setlist and so, we have to change the method itself…. There is no point in doing it unless we get to convince all the fans who come to see us under these circumstances. “I’m glad I came”, “I’m glad I was able to see it”, things like that, I want to make a live that everyone can think of.

[white-cat-of-doom]

I've come to the party late, I'm afraid, but here's a question: let's say you're completely in charge of a production's costuming/makeup, and you are allowed to use whichever production's baseline style you want - no restrictions and mixing different styles is allowed and encouraged. Which costumes and makeup would you use for your favourite characters (and why)?

Thank you for the ask! No one is ever late to send me asks, especially you Jemi. You have given me perhaps too much freedom of choice, so I apologize for the protracted wait.

I recently outlined my favourite characters in another ask.

I am fairly basic, some may say traditional, in my choices, but I admire the creative differences across the decades of the musical. I am a fan with how more recent productions having been generally making the characters more fluffy in appearance, whether through arm or legwarmers, tails, or the shoulder fluffies. If it was up me, every production would have super fluffy tails like the recent Mexico tours, but as that borders on non-replica, I will only mention it here. As I go through the characters, you may start to notice a trend in key design elements found in certain production and years.

Jellylorum

I have always slightly preferred a more yellow coloured Jellylorum design found in US or Shiki productions, so my baseline design for the unitard would be the original Broadway production, as worn by Bonnie Simmons. The yellow colouring gives more colour compared to the UK based designs, which I also adore. I would have the late US Tour 4 wig, armwarmers, tail, and makeup (see Jeanne Montano), with the Asia Tour 2020 or Vienna Revival legwarmers. All these choices are because I love having a Jelly with more floof, and she deserves a full set of warmers. She gets the braided collar with the small gold charm found in the Broadway Revival/US Tour 6 to finish the design.

The makeup from US Tour 4 I think incorporates a few similar looks from other international productions from around the same time, such as Hamburg, past productions such as Paris or Amsterdam, all while also not being too far of a departure from the UK design.

Shoutout to CATS (2019) for their Jellylorum design because I adore the orange tabby design with the floofy white-tipped tail and paws.

I do also love the non-replica Gothenburg 2006/Stockholm 2009 design for Jelly, because their design is of a white cat with black accents, and I am a basic person who loves white cats.

(Pictured are Bonnie Simmons from the Original Broadway Cast in 1982 and Jeanne Montano from US Tour 4 1997-1998)

Victoria

Speaking of white cats, everyone probably knows that I live for floofy cats, and for me no one is more important in that regard than Victoria. I know that she has not the most exciting design, but she is my favourite. I picture Victoria to be a Traditional Persian cat (no brachycephalic cats please and thank you), either purely white or with a hint of silver.

For a baseline, I would have to go with China 2012 for the unitard design, the wig from the mid to late 90s Broadway/US Tour 4, the arm and leg warmers from Cast 1 of the RCCL (or the Vienna Revival or even CATS (1998) for that matter), and the tail from late Hamburg or the Australian Tour 1989. All these choices are made to make Victoria as floofy as possible. Victoria gets the pink jeweled collar from CATS (1998) because she is loved.

Makeup wise, (I am boring and) I would go with how Kirstie Tice from US Tour 4 does her Victoria makeup because she manages to have character with next to no colour. This also applies to mid to late 90s Broadway/US Tour 4 Victoria, as I love the almost completely white makeup. I also love how Sophia McAvoy (RCCL Cast 1 and UK Tour 2016 in 2016 and 2017) or Hannah Kenna Thomas (specifically hers in the Vienna Revival) do theirs. It is very recognizable as Victoria (not that there is much doubt), while adding some pink to her nose, eyes, and lips. It is a bit more colour to the very white design, without becoming excessive, and is basically a distillation of the London makeup designs. China 2012 makeup is great as well.

I would change the golden accents typical of the Victoria design to silver. I have to mention that I do absolutely love the silver accents for Victoria from Shiki productions, but it is maybe a tad bit too much? I want more subtly.

The reason behind all these design choices for Victoria is that they would be remind me of my silver Chinchilla Persian cat who passed away a few years ago.

I also love the non-replica Italian Tour design, as she is very white with a brilliantly floofy tail. My kind of thing!

(Pictured are Miao Sijia from China 2012 and Kirstie Tice from US Tour 4 1994-1995)

Jennyanydots

The baseline for Jenny's design would be US Tour 6, specially how Emily Jeanne Phillips' unitard with the more orange looks compared to actors later on. I do love the Asia Tour 2020 design as well, but I feel Jenny should have those leopard spots. The warmers would be either the same US Tour 6 ones that Emily had, Asia Tour 2020, or Vienna Revival. The wig would be based on the Hamburg design as it has a bit more white, and is nice and round in shape, while having more volume than other productions. Tail wise, it is hard to decide because they are so few pictures, but judging by how the late Hamburg tails look for everyone, let us go with that.

Jenny's makeup would be based on how Ellie Nunan did hers in Asia Tour 2020, as she added a bit more little details on top on the recent traditional UK designs that borrow a small bit from the Broadway Revival.

Of course, we cannot forget the Gumbie Coat and Tap costumes! The Gumbie Coat with hat and gloves would be the Amsterdam 1987/Paris 1989 design because I find the little additions of grey and orange to the coat add some personality, and I adore the fact that the hat looks like Jenny found it, took it for herself, and added some whiskers. The Gumbie Tap costume would be the Shiki based design. The taps shoes would based on Broadway Revial/US Tour 6 with all the rhinestones, because as Holly Megan, Jennyanydots in Asia Tour 2014 and the Australia/New Zealand Tour 2015 and Swing in Asia Tour 2020, says, you need to be sparkly!

Shoutout to Shiki for making Jenny almost exclusively orange. Also, shoutout to the Paris Revival for naming the Gumbie Cat 'Pouffi'. Both good stuff.

Mexico Tour 2013/2018 Jennys are fun as well with their respective Gumbie Coat and Tap costumes.

(Pictured are Emily Jeanne Phillips with Rose Iannaccone as Rumpleteazer from US Tour 6 in 2019 and Mary Illes from Paris 1989)

Jemima/Sillabub

The answer will be split into two because I tend to view them as different characters in certain situations, but more importantly because I can have two designs that I can go with. Plus, Jemima is my second favourite character design.

I have always loved the look of later year London production Jemimas (which for the most part is how Jemima is standardized now), and that would be the unitard baseline. The Jemima wig would be based on either Zurich 1991 or Copenhagen 2002, because they both have the look of pre-revival Jemima and adds a larger amount of colour. I am not sure why they changed the wig for the London Revival and subsequent productions, the shape just does not look great. Some recent productions such the Vienna Revival, Asia Tour 2020, or UK Tour 2016 (from 2017 onwards) are slightly better for wig shapes, but the non-Equity US Tour 6 not so much, especially the ones for the swings. I would do away with the gloves and have the armwarmers from Zurich 1991 with legwarmers from the Vienna Revival, all to add floof. The tail would be from Zurich 1991 as well, but I would change it slightly so that it is not segmented, and instead all floof. She would have the collar from the Vienna Revival, as it is a modern take on the London jewelled/spiked design.

The makeup design would be how Kimberly Partridge (London 1993-1995) did hers as I think it perfect captures the Jemima look, while having a few extra details.

For Sillabub, I would use the Australian/New Zealand Tour 2015 unitard (which is technically Jemima but the design is based on the Australian design where the character is named Sillabub; Australian productions made the name change between Asia Tour 2014 and Australia/NZ Tour 2015), which (I think) have some more floof and yellow/white colour compared to the preceding Australiasia 2007-2010 Tour/Asia Tour 2014 designs. Hamburg also has a fantastic unitard design, with the golden colour along with the traditional black. She would have the mid Hamburg wig and tail (like Stephanie Spellman), as I find the Australian design wigs to be a bit too large. The arm and leg warmers would be from US Tour 5, for some added floof, and the collar from Paris 1989, which has some nice gold accents in addition to the normal silver.

Makeup wise, I would use the US Tour 4 design, specifically how Michelle Kelly did hers, as I like the colour and subtly. Stephanie Spellman's makeup from Hamburg comes in a close second.

I do not think that I like any non-replica looks enough for Jemima to specially mention them.

(Pictured are Alexandra Jay from London 1999-2000 and Kimberly Partridge from London 1993-1995; I unfortunately could not find a picture of the Sillabub design aside from large group photos)

Demeter

My golden queen is probably the easiest for me to design, as everything except the tail will be based off Ella Nonini (UK Tour 2016 in 2018 and Asia Tour 2020), who I consider to look just like John Napier's original Demeter sketch from 1982.

The unitard would be based off hers in the UK Tour 2016 in 2018, as I think it has a touch more gold than the one from Asia Tour 2020. The wig and leg warmers would be from Asia Tour 2020, as they are a bit bigger and more floofy than in the UK Tour 2016. The gloves would be from Asia Tour 2020 as they look a bit less yellow and remove the orange gradient. Her makeup would be from Asia Tour 2020, not that it is really any different than from 2018, but it may be slightly more refined. Her collar would be the one from Asia Tour 2020. The only departure would be the tail, which would be from Hamburg, because it is floofy.

A shoutout again to Gothenburg 2006/Stockholm 2009, this time for the grey Demeter design with a fancy pink bow. I do also love the grey Demeter from CATS (2019) and her pink collar and nose.

(Pictured is Ella in the UK Tour 2016 in 2018 and Asia Tour 2020)

[teyvattherapist]

A-Z for the oc asks (:

Help okay this is going to be so long it is under a cut.

A. Annoying: What is your OC’s most annoying trait?

Sandrone

Always monotone. Which, as his creator, I'm legally obligated to say I speak exactly like him about 80% of the time. Very dull, monotone, steady at all times. It's annoying! Or at least, I've been told. So, yeah. That.

Ohm

Puts his work first always. Those who know him only know a small smidge of the work he does and it would seem like there's no way in hell he has SO much work regarding that one section. But yeah, he's a workaholic who does just.. a lot.. behind the scenes.

B. Best: What is your OC’s best personality trait?

Sandrone

He's very observant! He can be dense regarding romantic stuff of course, but other things he's hella in the know. Sulien remembers or notices everything somebody he cares about says or does regarding things they like. So yes, he will always have your favourite takeout and snack ready before you even realise how sad you actually are. He knows.

Ohm

Like youngest like eldest I suppose. Ohm is also incredibly observant. Ohm is a bit more annoying with it because he will know you're injured even if you try to hide it. But beyond that, he's like a dog. You're sad? Cool let's go do something! Literally contradicts his above annoying trait but I mean, Ohm is weird as hell, he manages too many two faced traits. Anyways have a lollipop.

C. Child: Your OC encounters a crying, lost child. How do they react?

Sandrone

Ooh.. He's confused.. Sulien doesn't do well with people crying in general, let alone kids. He's had some practice with Tartaglia's little siblings, but that's not very much. He's kind of a yk criminal, so he'll probably bring the kid to the nearest location that looks like it'll be able to help them find their parents. He won't stick around for all that long, he's so awkward.

Ohm

He is on a fucking mission. Ohm is a doctor, he's a very good doctor, he's crouched down talking calmly within seconds. Always has lollipops on hand for this, and for himself, but mostly this. The kid's hand is in his while they're chewing away happily within moments. Then he'll find the parents, and they WILL get scolded on losing their child. Captain Ohm is not pleased ):<

D. Desire: Your OC has the opportunity to get the thing they desire most, but it means betraying a friend. Do they do it?

Sandrone

Yes. He does. A natural infiltrator, Sulien is known as a betrayer for a reason. Merely a job for the most part, a business transaction if you will. All relationships can be sacrificed in exchange of Freedom. He doesn't care. Sulien is tired, he has few friends as is, sometimes people need to go.

Ohm

No. Because betraying a friend for what he desires means to throw away everything he's ever signed his own life away for. Ohm can't do that, no matter how much he craves Death or Peace. One is obtainable if he makes a mistake and the other is unobtainable. He'll get there in the end without betraying somebody.

E. Excellent: Which of your OCs is the most virtuous?

This one will surprise people who don't as intimately know their stories. I mean come on, you have the Medical Captain of the Knights of Favonius vs a Fatui Harbinger, right? And yet, Sandrone is the more virtuous. Curious, isn't it?

F. Forgive: How good is your OC at apologizing? Do they own up to it when they’ve made a mistake? How easily does your OC forgive other people?

Sandrone

He's so condescending without meaning to be.. Mostly because the times he's apologised, it's been while arresting or killing somebody and he's saying sorry for betraying them. He makes an effort once he's realised he's hurt somebody he cares about, stumbles over his words, but he'll try. He always owns up to mistakes though, especially since he makes so few and he needs to be a good impression to his subordinates so THEY don't make any mistakes. It would depend on what they've done to him. He doesn't forgive nor does he forget sometimes.

Ohm

Very good! He's a fantastic liar :D! Ohm knows that sometimes to appease people, you have to do what you must, and he's a king with words for a reason. Another one who leads people and needs to show up as a good leader, Ohm always owns up to his mistakes. There are though.. Some things... In his personal life that he's only ever told two.. maybe three people.. Those mistakes.. They run so deep. Hurt too much. Ohm may be a very forgiving person, but he never forgets. Never.

G. Guilt: Does your OC often regret their decisions? If so, describe a decision they regret.

Sandrone

Conditioned to not feel, he ignores things like regret or guilt. He isn't programmed to feel them. He can't afford to. So it isn't often that he'll regret a decision. But when he does, he thinks about it forever. What he could have done better, what would have changed the outcome, he's supposed to be the best in his field at analyzing any given situation and yet.. Sulien just thinks too much sometimes.

Ohm

A lot of the things he has done he regrets, even if he deems them necessary to choices to make. I suppose Ohm is interesting like that, outwardly, he keeps going, keeps pushing forwards. Inwardly, it's a constant blizzard of guilt. I've always likened Ohm to a man damned, so his feelings about his decisions and the guilt he feels when he makes a bad one definitely fits into that.

H. Honesty: How often does your OC lie? Do they believe lying is ever justified? Describe a time your OC told a lie, or told the truth even when it was difficult.

Sandrone

His job is to lie. Head of Reconnaissance for the Tsaritsa, the puppet's function is to infiltrate what he needs to in order to gain the information he needs. Always adaptable, moldable, he's a liar at any given time. Even if he'd rather tell the truth, he never does, in Her name everything was justified. To tell a time he lied would be just looking at his work history. To tell a time he told the truth even when it hurt, would be more interesting. To compromise; in /almost/ all of his voicelines, he's actually telling the truth. Try and figure which are actually the lies..

Ohm

Ohm is clever, cunning, his personality handcrafted, perfectly put together piece by piece. Unlike his younger brother, Ohm is a natural liar. It comes easy to him, every honeyed word spoken from a tongue of silver. He has sins to hide and karma to beat back, if that means lying? Well. So be it. His most obvious lie that's revealed throughout his story quests would be that he's almost never on expedition to a nation for medicinal supplies, but rather he was infiltrating Snezhnaya to try and find his brother. A lie very few people knew the truth of, most notable being Varka, who gave his approval. Some hard truths are better off buried for Ohm Ambros.

I. Individuality: Is your OC’s morality more influenced by the society they live in, or their own critical thinking?

Sandrone

I mean... I'll just be honest, Sulien got tortured into utter compliance by way of forcing him to forget everything he ever knew. He's smart as hell, but if he has no frame of reference, then yeah... It's influenced by the people around him, his environment. Sulien is getting better about it though.

Ohm

His moral code is a roulette wheel and he's not sure where the bullet is. But hey, it's fine. Literally, I have nothing else to add. Ohm kills people, like, straight up disposes. But he's also a very nice man, so..

J. Jealousy: How often does your OC get jealous of other people? Do they keep their jealousy in check, or does it influence their behavior?

Both of them aren't very jealous people, one because Sandrone doesn't even fucking know he's jealous. And two, Ohm is just kinda dense unless someone is like.. uncomfortable, then he'll notice.

K. Knack: What is something your OC is skilled at?

Sandrone

Sulien's skill that I like to talk about the most is the fact he personally repairs his mask(and other things) with Kintsugi! It requires a lot of patience and technique and he is very good at it. Takes him forever though ngl.

Ohm

He loves his origami. He's very talented with it and can make pretty much anything. A lot of stuff he can do either one handed or without looking, but the more complex stuff he actually needs to concentrate on. He has a nasty habit of folding his briefing papers into cool little pieces.

L. Loathe: What qualities does your OC loathe in other people? Do they tend to be judgmental of others, even when it isn’t warranted?

Sandrone

He doesn't like super whiny people. It's just a personal pet peeve of his, he'd rather not. Like the whole high pitch "hmf!' kind of whiny? Yeah. Despises it. Otherwise Sulien isn't very judgemental! He's pretty respectful in general.

Ohm

Lmao Ohm is a hypocrite. He dislikes people who are reckless and put others in danger. He'll willingly put himself in danger, but not his team, which is the only real difference. It's weird, he's best friends with Kaeya and yet- ahem anyways. Call it the Doctor Vibe or w/e.

M. Mistake: Describe a time your OC did something bad, or was wrong about something.

Sandrone

War Criminal! Congratulations! He was behind the scenes making sure the sigils of permission were done correctly. I mean, he's a war criminal in general though. Personally, good dude. His work? Mm.. He's done things!

Ohm

I can't even be like "this dude killed two people when he was fourteen! that's bad!!" cause it was sort of warranted. I think, to Ohm, his biggest mistake would be "failing his parents' one task to him" which was to protect Sulien. And he failed to do that and lost Sulien for pretty much eleven years. It haunts him constantly.

N. Negative: What does your OC believe is their worst flaw?

Sandrone

Sulien has a bit of a thing where he hates how emotional he can get. He's been equated to machine so often that when he feels, he doesn't feel real. He dissociates and he hates that feeling. To him, it is his worst flaw. The puppet being emotional? What's the point? But he also doesn't know how to express his emotions in a healthy way, and I think it makes it all that much worse when he feels so strongly sometimes.

Ohm

Somebody who has a low outlook on themselves, there is very little Ohm likes. Though his inability to feel like he belongs or perhaps the karma attached to him would be the worst ones. To be haunted by demons, among other things, it is utterly ridiculous to him. And yet, here he is. How one can find comfort in somebody like him is just, beyond him.

O. Outlook: Is your OC more optimistic, pessimistic, or realistic? How likely are they to believe a bad person can change?

They are both Realists. To take a situation upfront and deal accordingly is who they both are at their core. Sandrone is more likely to believe somebody bad can become good, because /he/ wants to be good. Ohm is less likely to believe this, no matter how much he may want it to be true. But at the end of the day, products of environments that were so truly unkind, they are both realistic of the grim world around them.

P. Positive: What does your OC believe is their best personality trait?

Sandrone

For some odd reason, Sulien thinks how blunt he is at times is a good personality trait. I mean, like, I guess? He believes it at least. Sulien just thinks that being blunt is a good way of dealing with things without any communication problems or misunderstandings, and that's true to an extent.

Ohm

A man bound by contracts, it'd be how dutiful he is. Diligence is the name of his game, ultimately. He's been doing this since he was a child, he better be good at what he does, and he is. He always fulfills his duties, always does his role, always plays his part. His work is who he is.

Q. Quirk: Does your OC have any (minor) bad habits? If so, what? (Biting their nails, sleeping in, procrastinating, etc.)

Sandrone

Honestly most of his work takes place at night or the evenings, so he usually sleeps the day away. It isn't the best for a person, but he does what he must.

Ohm

Due to his insane alcohol tolerance, he definitely drinks way too much. But it never really hits him...? So he just kinda drinks those lil fruity drinks of his cause he likes the taste haha

R. Respect: What qualities does your OC admire in other people?

Sandrone

Honesty. He admires honesty the most. Sulien has been lied to a lot, had things taken away from him that nobody should ever have taken away. He just wants somebody who will tell him the truth, even if it hurts.

Ohm

Surprisingly, Ohm likes people who are resourceful, a little bit cunning maybe. He likes people who are useful to him, and being useful means being able to think fast on your feet.

S. Success: Describe a time your OC did something good, or was right when others were wrong.

Sandrone

Most of the time LMAO bye. Sulien functions on one perfected line of code. "Analyse the situation, filter what is appropriate, narrow the results, speak." He tells Pierro straight to his face that he's a better information gatherer because "the difference between your recruits and me lies within step three." He's not often wrong, the other Harbingers hate him for it.

Ohm

He does his best to do good things to make up for all of his bad karma. A doctor, a captain, an adeptus. He sacrifices his own vitality to heal others. I mean the list goes on. He tries, very hard, to make up for the things he's done.

T. Troubled: Which of your OCs is the most flawed?

They're both flawed in their own ways that I can't really compare them.

Sandrone was broken down into bits, had literally every sense of self or shred of dignity stolen from him, and then he was turned into a tool and used time and time again. That trauma will never go away, nor the problems or flaws that arise from it. Then you have Ohm, who was forced onto a path of bloodshed and slaughter in the name of Celestia. A pawn that has lost everything, everyone. Who failed, time and time again, and has to live with that, with himself. That also doesn't ever go away.

And I think to compare them would be unfair. Especially when the more they learn of each other's pain in their separation, the further they fall into that guilt and pain for their twin. They always blame themselves for what happened to the other.

U. Upgrade: Does your OC strive for self-improvement, or are they less concerned about becoming a better person?

Sandrone

He does what he can with the circumstances he's in, if that makes sense. There isn't a lot that Sulien can do to change himself or the things around him. But he tries to learn better life skills(like cooking) or pick up new hobbies and stuff like that. He really does try though.

Ohm

I don't think that Ohm sees the value of self-improvement. He knows he isn't a good person, and I think he knows, deep down, that he can't really change that.

V. Value: Is your OC more selfish or selfless? What would they sacrifice for a loved one? What would they sacrifice for a stranger?

Ooh they're so similar haha.

Sandrone

Selfless, he is always doing what other people want. His opinion always comes second. For a loved one? He will lay his life down. For a stranger? Well he'll do his very damn best if the situation calls for it.

Ohm

Selfless, following a set path laid out in the stars before him, he has no choice. Fate has called and he has answered, what he wants does not matter. But put his loved ones in the firing line? He'll die before they do, he can guarantee that, and he has the power to ensure that. An innocent stranger will receive very close to the same treatment, too.

W. Worst: What is your OC’s worst flaw?

Sandrone

He accidentally gaslights people a lot.. Like he lies to lie at times because he's so used to it? And if you've never been gaslit you are so lucky, its such an awful feeling. A lot of the time when he does it to people he cares about, he really doesn't even notice. And I think that's pretty much his worst one. I mean and he kills people but w/e.

Ohm

He's self destructive. It's such a big part of his character and just who he is and it shows a lot about who he actually is. Ohm can't stand what he's been pushed into doing and yet he continues to do it. He'd do anything to wash himself of these feelings and it leads to incredible self destructive behaviour. He also kills people but w/e.

X. X-ray: Does your OC believe that they’re a good person? Would you consider them a good person?

Sandrone

No, he doesn't believe he's a good person. I, as his creator, know that he's a genuinely good person put into a bad situation and forced to make bad choices to survive. He just doesn't see it that way, he can't, he's been conditioned to believe whatever they need him to believe to get him complacent.

Ohm

Also doesn't believe he's a good person. And I, as his creator, know that he's bad at his core, but he tries so hard to do good things. He wasn't given a chance, not really. He tries to make up for it, tries to cleanse his sins, but that blood never washes off..

Y. Young: How has your OC been influenced by their past? Are they a better person because of their past, or a worse one?

-looks into the camera-

The answer is the same for both of them. Heirs to a clan favoured by Celestia, paths set in fate, destinies controlled by stars. They are influenced by things even further than their own pasts. Sandrone was allowed to forget his past, forget who he is, and what he means. Is that good? Is that bad? Who knows. But when he did remember as a child, he was very much influenced by it. Then Ohm, well.. Past mistakes and failures are who he is, right? The last thing he remembers is his father's words too him regarding destiny and given how ingrained that is in their family line. Well..

The past means everything to them.

Z. Zealous: Does your OC have any guilty pleasures? If so, what? (Watching reality TV, drinking soda, reading cheesy romance novels, etc.)

Answered here

[assortedpuzzlepieces]

Ok, I’m about to go off on a GIANT rant about a specific issue I have with John Winchester & how the show intentionally & canonically portrays him as an ableist, homophobic asshole through his portrayal by JDM, so buckle up.

For the record, this is something I’ve always believed, but after listening to podcast episodes from @otrsupernatural & Carrying Wayward, one super clear example of why has just snapped into place & I feel compelled to share it.

So I want to start by noting a couple things that stand out. First & foremost, I think JDM is an incredible actor & I think he brings his A game with his portrayal of John. John Winchester is undeniably an asshole, & yet JDM balances that so well against the idea of loving parent, to not only make the character more realistic, but also to give real authenticity & depth to the trauma his children experienced at his hands & answer why they act the way they do in regards to him as their parent.

John is someone who, on the surface, appears to be a loving and concerned father, who makes mistakes, but does so because he’s in shitty circumstances & doesn’t have a lot of options or has his own trauma to battle that limits the choices he believes he has.

However, the show also gives us other content that proves there is more to John than that caring but broken man from as early as S1 & into the beginning of S2, & this content screams the truth of his ableism & homophobia, & gives some really strong evidence as to why these are two of the primary struggles of his children through the end of the series.

To explain, we 1st have to look at characters from earlier in S1. In 1x10, Asylum, we are introduced to Dr. Ellicott. He is shown to be someone who is canonically ableist to people with MHI. He sees them as less human, he does unethical experiments on them, he tortures them, just, lots of gross stuff there. On top of that, we see him as a ghost using what appears to be electrical shocks to Sam & Dean to possess & harm them, which resembles electroshock. There are also strong echoes of conversion therapy in this episode.

After this, we have 1x12, Faith, where Sue Ann is using dark magic to attack & murder people she hates, which specifically includes a woman who was pro choice & a gay man. This not only shows that she was homophobic, but that she condemned sexual freedom & bodily autonomy for women as well, which is in relation to homophobia, as well as deeply rooted in misogyny.

So essentially, we are shown a doctor who tries to force people to be less mentally ill or queer by “curing” them, & then a woman who took it a step further & murdered them to “cleanse” the town. We are given two different, but very interwoven ways with which society has tried to get rid of queers & disabled people, & it’s not subtext, it’s literally stated.

Now, in the show, both Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are the villains, & while the show demonstrates their ableism & homophobia, it also clearly condemns them for those actions. They are both dead/gone by the end of the episode & their actions are shown as evil. This is SO important, especially for a show that has failed in other episodes to truly state what exactly is the problematic action in the episode (looking at you, Bugs & Route 666).

That said, if Dr. Ellicott & Sue Ann are villains, then we must also extrapolate that ableism & homophobia are intentionally being written as evil in the show, so other characters who demonstrate these actions are also bad. (Yes, I know I’m being super redundant right now, but I just want to be really damn clear on this to demonstrate why I believe John’s characterization is intentional).

Now, in 1x21, John finally “learns” about Sam’s psychic abilities, & I say that in quotes bc there’s reason to believe he knew about it already from Missouri & was just in denial until confronted with the evidence, at which point he has a very strong reaction. As Ali pointed out, it’s interesting that he has such a strong negative reaction, as he clearly doesn’t have an issue with Missouri as a psychic, & yet he’s upset about Sam being one. He demonstrates the mindset of “othering” people outside of his family, which is a common treatment of both people w/ MHI & queer people - the mentality that “those people” are fine in general, but “not my son/daughter/family/me”.

So here in that episode, we are already getting an attitude from him that clearly parallels ableism & homophobia, & that is on top of other comments he made that are clearly rooted in misogyny, like his “that’s my man” to Dean in the flashback in Something Wicked This Way Comes (1x18).

THEN - the final nail in the coffin is the “secret” he tells Dean before he dies in 2x1; that Dean needs to either save Sam or stop him. By now it’s crystal clear he views Sam as something “other”, something not fully human, & his response? It’s literally “cure or cleanse”. Either make him “normal” or get rid of him.

To repeat, John LITERALLY uses ableist & homophobic language & tactics towards him son because he is different, & also tries to force Dean to do the same, passing on that legacy, by trying to erase anything about Sam thats not his personal definition of “normal”, all out of FEAR of who his son is & what he might do.

And the show CONDEMNS this behavior from the very beginning, even before we ever see him act this way!! They make it clear that ableism & homophobia are BAD, show John act that way, & then condemn him AGAIN when Dean tells Sam & it is made clear to the audience that what John asked of him was wrong.

Like… holy fuck. There is literally no way I can watch this & not believe that his characterization was not 100% intentional with him being set up as a bad person & his actions as condemnable. It’s just not narratively possible. John Winchester was intentionally written to be an asshole & we are supposed to see him as one, & any love we see from him is only meant to validate the complicated feelings Sam & Dean have towards him, not undermine the knowledge that he is a bad person. It’s literally in the text.

*Edit - Im adding a point here, since it’s been brought to my attention. John’s concern about Sam being infected with demon blood & possibly corrupted does not detract from the parallel being made between his actions & those of IRL people who are homophobic or ableist. In fact, this is another argument for that in interpretation, & here is why -

For literal thousands of years, mental illness has been viewed as demonic. People w/ MHI were thought to be possessed, evil incarnations, or even just sinfully corrupt & given to wickedness. People w/ physical disabilities were believed to be punished for moral failings, not faithful enough, etc, etc. Queer people were believed to be sexually deviant, witches, destroyers of families, etc.

These beliefs carry across many religions, but especially Christianity, & are present even today in some more extreme sects. And the people that believed these things? Well many of them were parents who “loved” their child & were trying to protect them from evil by purifying them. They too believed they had valid fears & good reasons to torture, maim, & even kill their children.

So to anyone who would argue “well it’s not the same because John had a good reason to be afraid of Sam” - shut the fuck up, because no, he didn’t.

Sam hadn’t hurt anyone. He wasn’t doing anything worth killing him over. He was a good kid who was hurt by someone outside his control & yet he only started doing anything that was truly wrong when he was pushed to it by circumstances that were again, beyond his control, & only then bc he was trying to do what was right!!

Anyone would do that, not just a kid w/ some demon blood powers. So let’s not act like he was inherently dangerous just BC he was different, bc guess what? That’s part of that mindset too. Sam was a good fucking person & John seeing him as less was John’s failing, not Sam’s.

[randomnameless]

Jeez I feel like I’m in Fire Emblem Three Houses with all the heavy lifting the game is giving us, not to make someone “uwu/sympathetic” in this case but to remind the player that, hey, you picked a controversed route.

(just like the other 2... or so it is supposed to be?)

First of all, during the “duel”, Serenor face tanks Frederica’s spells and I’m sure he’s fried, but w/c.

Unlike his lines with Benedict or even Roland during their duel, here everything is milquetoast towards Frederica.

Everyone knows it’s the utilitarian route (the needs of the many > the needs of the few) but while Frederica wants to stop giving a fig about everyone else to save Rozellians... No one tells her that, hey, if you fuck away to Centralia and let the Norzelia be embroiled in the war, a lot of “powerless” people are going to die, even if they won’t be Rozellians.

We still came from Frederica “we should try to find a way to talk and resolve things peacefully so no one will die” to “As long as Rozellians are safe it is enough for me” and it’s still... Frederica is happy to have been part of the Wolffort family, but “her people” to her, at this point, are only Rozellians, not Wolffortians and especially not the randoms from Aefrost (remember Frederica’s part Aefrosti?).

I still think it was a kind and nice move from Serenor to give her the choice not to follow them, and to follow her heart to save the Rozellians, even if he picked the “let Hyzante rule over Norzelia”.

Gustadolf’s propaganda is a wonderful thing, really.

He’s rallying his forces under the pretense of defending against Hyzante who, uh, apparently wants to enslave them all under their Fake Goddess’s decrees - and totally not because Gustadolf started the war, Gustadolf’s building a super weapon to demolish Hyzante and Gustadolf wants to erase Hyzante to gain control of the continent.

I love this guy.

Then we have the perfect slice of onion regarding Sycras, the miniboss who’s holding the gates of Aefrost - he says goodbye to his wife and children, and while it’s very touching because they all know he’s not going to return home...

It’s so hamfisted - I don’t remember anything similar for Ayxame or Kamsell when we’re attacking Hyzante, just like we don’t meet Layla’s husband and child - no it’s just to hammer home how attacking Aefrost means attacking randoms who will suffer, and it’s very very sad.

But this scope is completely eluded in the Frederica/Benedict routes, it’s just in Roland’s. I wonder why, Hyzante wasn’t evil enough or??

We don’t see random Hyzanteses worrying about Aefrost/Wolffort attacking them on the Benedict route - granted Benedict’s route doesn’t give a fuck about people/randoms, just about who’s going to sit on the top of the world. As for Frederica, if I didn’t made it clear above, as long as they’re not Rozellians, we won’t give a crap about them.

So, with Sycras dead (TFW you can beat up Travis to recruit him afterwards, but you can’t spare Sycras?) we march on Aefrost’s capital, and lo -

Gustadolf’s still rallying his forces, conscripting even his citizens to use them as cheap soldiers (I suppose the tier 1 units are the civilians who suddenly took an armor, meanwhile the tier 3 are the professionals?) and exhorting to fight to the death.

His and Roland’s convo is really interesting, Gustadolf prefers a world where might makes right over one where everyone is equal (and lives in peace save for Rozellians) built on a lie - if Roland gave up his throne it is for the sake, at least he thinks so, of his people, wars will stop and they will be able to live happily. But to Gustadolf, living like this is just like being enslaved - and Roland’s wishes for his people won’t take away the Liberty his people are drunk upon -

Long Story Short Story, Roland sacrifices his pride and freedom for his people, Gustadolf wants freedom at the cost of using his people as meatshields - clearly having no regards for their lives, and hoping Uncle’s going to come to his rescue with his sekrit new weapon.

This path clearly shows Gustadolf is in the wrong, but given some avid discoursers here - I can see why his words ring a bell, a Daenerys expy who argues for “liberty” and meritocracy, lying to his people about their battle to be one against a “False Goddess” - when his real reason to fight is to become the, dare I say it, Supreme Leader of the continent?

If there’s one thing I can blame this game for, it is for not giving the same “apparent” complexity to Hyzante - as it must stick to the Evil JRPG religious organisation - while trying to depict Aefrost as a country who’s wrong only because of Gustadolf.

Like we have three situations.

In Glennbrook, the rulers try to be kind and just, but the people (nobles+randoms) suck.

In Aefrost, the rulers suck, but the people seems to be okay, if not a bit too prone to buy Gustadolf’s propaganda.

In Hyzante? The rulers suck, and from what we see of the people (the few NPCs) they seem mostly neutral, bordering on assholish thinking they’re better than the rest of the world and they’re racists towards Rozellians.

One of those three countries has way more “defaults” than the other 2... While Roland’s choices follow his character arc, when you play his version of the ending chapters, you still feel worse than when playing the Benedict/Frederica’s chapters.

Hopefully, unlike someone, Gustadolf never fails to provide reasons as to why he’s, imo, this game’s best antagonist.

[odetogyus]

wait

↳pairing/s: idol boyfriend!yugyeom x fem!reader

↳genre: angst (w/ a happy ending lol), idol!au

↳warnings: profanity, mentions of alcohol consumption, trust issues

↳song: wait by maroon 5

✎author's note: idk what I was going through when I wrote this but this was from my 2018 archive and I think this baby needs to see the light of day,, so here it is!

—

"The concert should be done now," you thought to yourself while staring at your phone.

Since your brother's wedding was in 2 days, you didn't have time to fly to Toronto to see your boyfriend and his group perform. You've been on a few tours with them– sometimes working as a stylist for Yugyeom and the whole team. JYP himself even sends you an extra ticket to every single country the boys go to just in case you wanted to come with, but this time however, you had to stay home to help out with your brother's wedding.

It's been almost 3 years since you started dating Yugyeom. What started out as a very unexpected interaction at a dance showcase, later bloomed into something so beautiful. Your relationship wasn't always pretty. In fact, it's true what they say about the first year; it definitely is the hardest.

You've seen them grow, not just as artists but as people, too. You've built such tight relationships with each and every one of them, even the staff members. GOT7 was a family and you were over the moon to be a part of it.

After a few hours of waiting, you decided to take a hot shower before taking a nap. It was a tiring day for you and your family. The wedding was in 2 days and there were a lot of things left to do. You also knew very well that the boys come out exhausted after every show, and so you fought back the slightest feeling of worry in your head and fell into a deep sleep.

–

You woke up to the sound of your phone going off.

BREAKING NEWS

MEMBERS OF THE KPOP GROUP– GOT7, WERE SEEN AT A CLUB IN TORONTO AFTER THEIR CONCERT. MEMBERS MARK TUAN, JACKSON WANG & KIM YUGYEOM WERE SPOTTED HEAVILY INTOXICATED WITH 3 UNKNOWN WOMEN JOINING THEM AT THEIR TABLE. NO OFFICIAL STATEMENTS REGARDING THE INCIDENT HAS BEEN RELEASED BY JYP ENTERTAINMENT.

People you knew and didn't know were tagging you everywhere. Every photograph, every article, they all had their eyes on Yugyeom, and they all had their eyes on you, too.

Your brother's fiancée barged into your room shortly after the news broke out. She was always there for you, and the relationship you shared was a very special one. You trusted her, and you never hid anything from her after the first time she saw you cry.

"Y/N," your almost sister-in-law cooed. You both knew that it was very unlikely of Yugyeom to act that way, but then again, the people surrounding them aren’t always angels. No one really is.

Just then, the name you've been waiting to see finally popped up on your screen, but this time, you weren't sure if you had the guts to answer him.

"Should I answer?" You asked, sounding miserable as ever. Tears escaped your eyes, glistening like broken glass when the sunlight hits the surface.

"You need to hear it from him, Y/N. I'll be in the kitchen, let me know if you need anything."

Accepting the call, you swallowed hard enough and prepared yourself for what could either be the most painful truth you had to hear, or the biggest lie ever you had to believe.

"Y/N.. hey, please let me explain," Yugyeom's voice was incredibly raspy and shaky, and you knew damn well that he was in tears. It's only been a few hours since the incident, so it was safe to say that he was still quite hungover. You knew they were well taken care of, but what happened cannot be rewritten again. What's done is done.

"Go ahead," you answered. Holding back your tears is always the hardest when you know that you have no choice but to endure the pain.

"We had a few drinks, and we had fun. We had so much fun. The boys and I, the staff. Me and Jackson hyung tried the hose thingy, it was so– cool– but, but I'm sorry babe, I'm so sorry–"

"Do you just.. wanna talk when you’re not like.. this, Yugyeom? Because if you're gonna keep doing this, I might as well just hang up and talk to my fucking wall–"

Oh, the theatrics of a brokenhearted beast.

"No.. stop, listen to me, I'm trying to explain!"

"Okay, then do it," you said angrily. The tears from your eyes were flowing down uncontrollably. It was so painful that you couldn't even hear anything else but the sound of his lies breaking you continuously.

"Mark hyung joined us, and we got so drunk, and next thing you know, these random girls sat with us at the table. I don't remember a lot but– I think one even bit my neck– it hurts, and she– I think she sat on my lap but I think I tried to push her off but I passed out. I don't really remember anything else–"

"You know, Gyeom? Sometimes, I wish you knew what it's like to be the one that patiently waits for you to come home, hoping that the worries in your head just disappear. How could you be so irresponsible? Man.. how could you do this to me? To us?"

"Y/N, you know I love you more than anything else but for fuck's sake, will you please believe me? My head hurts so much and you're acting up! Jesus!"

Yugyeom knew not to push your buttons, but in that state of his, he pushed it all, not missing one.

"Well, if that’s the case then I’m sorry. I’m sorry for caring too much, and for being all up in your business all the fucking time. Have fun remembering how you got that stupid hickey of yours, I’m done–"

"No, you are not hanging up on me, Y/N. It was a mistake, okay? God, my head is killing me and I just.. need you to believe me. I drank too much, and I know it’s bad, but I swear to fucking God, I didn’t do anything to hurt you. I would never hurt you. But you need.. to stop being difficult.. you’re making things worse here–"

The tension grew even more. You were both screaming your lungs out at each other, thousands of miles away from the other.

"Really now?" You spat bitterly. That was it for you. The last straw. "Well then, I know my brother invited you to the wedding, but don't bother showing up. I don't want to see you."

Your harsh words must've hurt Yugyeom so much, that his screams of anger just managed to slip out of his already worn out body.

"You're really throwing this all away– huh? Almost 3 years worth of memories? Just because I made a mistake, just because I don't remember everything that happened to me while I was intoxicated? You think I wanted those girls to come close to us? You're so– Y/N, you really think I wanted to hurt you, don't you? So now.. you do this? You're really breaking up with me? On the phone? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Trust, Yugyeom. Trust. You broke the most important thing we built. Do you know how hard it is to do this? To date someone like you? People send me death threats, Yugyeom. Just because I decided to be with you. Do you even know how I feel? Do you know how Mark's girlfriend feels? How Jackson's girlfriend feels? Because I do. We all fucking get it!"

"Okay, trust. But let me ask you Y/N, if things were so difficult, why are you still here? Why date me when you could've left? That's what you wanna do anyway, right? You wanna leave, you wanna be free, right?"

But it’s not freedom if it’s not with you.

The bitter taste of surprise was too much for you. It was never meant to hurt that much, but it did.

"Wanna know why I'm still here, Yugyeom?"

"Why," he spat coldly.

"Because I thought that– loving you, oh god, I thought that that was more than enough to believe that we'd make it. But at this point, maybe we're both just better off alone. Separate ways, Gyeom."

Yugyeom let out a faint laugh. The most painful laugh one could ever laugh. A laugh of defeat.

"You're really doing this, huh? This is what you want? You're really doing this to us–"

"You don't need to show up at the wedding.. I'll just, tell them about us after. We'll meet when we're both ready to talk. Be safe."

"Fuck this, Y/N. Fuck–"

And with that, you hung up.

Your heart was broken once again, not by the same person, but because of the same reason you kept your heart safe and hidden in the first place.

Trust.

Yugyeom was your true love. The man you believed to be was your person. The person you entrusted your fragile self to. The person you needed.

But maybe he doesn't need you.

Putting your phone on silent, you cried yourself to sleep, wishing you'd never wake up.

—

wedding day.

Your eyes were still tired and gloomy, but you were better. You haven't heard from him since the fight and although it hurt you too much to be that person to hang up and end things, you knew better than to mope all day and question your existence.

"You look so beautiful in that dress! I'm so happy you chose that style! It's just perfect," your brother's soon-to-be wife exclaimed. She was the one who held you tight when your heart broke for the wrong guy, and she was also the one who held you when Yugyeom couldn't. It's safe to say she's the sister you never had.

"Thanks, I'm happy to be here. I'm so excited for you and my brother. I don't know what you see in him but I'm thankful you stuck around."

The bride smiled with tears welling up in her eyes. "You stick around for the one you love, Y/N. Even when the storm hits and everything falls apart, wait it out, then love again."

The wedding venue was everything you imagined it to be. A beautiful pathway to the garden, red and white roses everywhere, and photographs of your brother and his soon-to-be wife hung from the stringed lights wrapped around the tall trees to create the most beautiful ambiance.

Your quick peek of the venue ended since it was almost time for the actual ceremony. You were one of the bridesmaids, and you had to be wherever the bride was.

From afar, a tall figure walked towards the venue in a red suit. His dark hair complemented his outfit, and his handsome face was the cherry on top of it all.

Yugyeom showed up to the wedding a few minutes before it actually started. He took his time exchanging words of happiness and support to your brother. Yugyeom's relationship with your brother started out like any other brother – boyfriend relationship, but the two ended up being very close friends. A few moments before announcing the beginning of the ceremony, Yugyeom found his way to his seat. He sat close to the front, but in the corner.

The ceremony began, and every second felt longer than it should have. Closing your eyes, you took slow, but steady, steps to the podium where your brother was. You both agreed to welcome the bride with your whole family present next to him.

dirty looks from your mother

never seen you in a dress that color, no

it's a special occasion

not invited but I'm glad I made it

He looked at you like it's the first time he's ever laid eyes on you. His heart thumped like crazy, seeing how your hair fell perfectly down the length of your spine, in a red dress that exposed most of your back. Yugyeom couldn't resist every urge to kiss you. Every thought of you possibly breaking up with him completely made the poor boy pale. He was madly in love with you, in every possible way, that losing you meant losing everything to him.

The moment you stood next to your brother, your eyes met his. The eyes you hated to look into, but missed the most. Yugyeom stared at you for a long time, before you both snapped out of the trance only you two were in. You saw him mouth a "wow" before facing the bride and giving her a hug.

Walking to your designated seat, your mind went crazy just imagining how hard it would be to keep your composure when Yugyeom would literally be inches away from you.

"Beautiful," Yugyeom said in awe as you sat next to him. "You're beautiful, Y/N."

Without looking at him, you extended your gratitude. "Thank you, Yugyeom," was all you could say.

You both tried so hard to focus on the wedding. For the most part, it felt like no one else was there. You were in the moment, and so was he.

The exchange of vows was definitely something. Every word your brother and his wife exchanged was pure love. And deep down, you prayed that the love you needed was Yugyeom's.

oh, let me apologize

i'll make up, make up, make up, make up for all those times

your love, I don't wanna lose

i'm begging, begging, begging, begging, I'm begging you

As if on cue, Yugyeom held your hand without looking at you. His hand was shaky, and so was yours, but you didn't pull away. You held onto him, too. You held onto him like your life depended on it, and you held onto the person that longs for you the most.

"I do," your brother speaks into the microphone, looking at his woman. Yugyeom holds your hand even tighter, saying the same words your brother said, loud enough for you to hear it. Only you.

I do.

The bride reciprocates, and tears immediately stream down your face as the rush of emotions take over you.

Not wanting to lose the love of your life ever again, you follow suit, and said the same words the bride said. Only for you and Yugyeom, it meant something else. Only something the two of you could understand.

I do.

You both stood firmly, not letting go of each other, when the officiator finally said the words everyone wanted to hear.

You may now kiss the bride.

Not wasting a precious second, Yugyeom pulled you into a tight embrace, holding your head against his chest. His lips planted kisses at the top of your head, and suddenly everything was right in the world.

The scent of his perfume was home to you, and it made you feel so much better.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so stupid, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," Yugyeom whispered, still keeping you in his arms.

"I'm sorry, too, Gyeom," you answered, trying hard not to let the tears roll down your cheek and ruin your makeup.

Yugyeom finally kissed you.

He kissed you without stealing the spotlight from the newly weds. He kissed you softly, but it was clear that he longed for it. For you. He kissed you just the way you needed to be kissed, reminding you that he is yours in full surrender.

"I love you, Gyeom."

You finally meet his gaze. The prettiest eyes you've ever seen, and he really was the best thing that's ever happened to you.

"I love you, Y/N. I love you."

Wait it out, then love again.