#it was such a spontaneous edit i spent the past 1-2 hours working on this when i should've been doing smth else

[snowstark]

one way home.

For @peterparkerbingo | Fill: Free Space For @tonystarkbingo | Fill: Vulnerability

“I just really miss you, Mr. Stark. There are paintings of your face everywhere, and I just can’t seem to stop hurting. I bet you'd know what to do if your super secret identity was revealed to the whole world. I... I don't even know how to deal with everything that's happening, and May won't stop freaking out and everyone's staring at me like I'm not the same person I was yesterday.”

“...”

“I just wish you were here with me. I wish I could hold you one last time. I wish I could just see you, touch you, one last time.”

“...”

“I miss you, Mr. Stark. Tony. I'd do anything to bring you back.”

“Be careful what you wish for, Parker.”

“...Mr. Stark? Is that— you’re… here?”

“Not exactly. But close enough, little lamb.”

“...who are you?”

“Your Superior.”

[justsomewritingsandshit]

The Wait Is Over

Carlisle Cullen x Female!Reader

Length: 1681 words

Warnings: badly edited, I’m so tired fam

Requested

Masterlist for this series | Part 1 | Part 2

Long ago, before Carlisle had found others of his kind, he believed that he might have been damned to spend eternity alone. Destined to constantly hunt, run, and survive by himself.

He encountered the Volturi during his early travels, quickly discovering that not only were there hundreds of his kind, but a ‘monarchy’ too.

The Volturi coven’s ways differed from his own greatly. They revelled in the thrill of their hunt, as well as human blood, much like the other vampires that Carlisle had come across. Their ways vastly opposed Carlisle’s own morals, and his preferred animal-based diet. Thus, the blond vampire left Volterra after a few decades; his eagerness to learn, and his love for humanity easily forcing him out from behind the stone walls of the Volturi Castle.

Carlisle went on to live amongst the humans. The calm vampire quickly discovered that he had an amazing inner strength, never once divulging his thirst. Taking such a rare opportunity gifted to him; Carlisle went on to study, and later practice, as a doctor – he was always rather giving.

Practising medicine is how he met Edward Masen, the first of his ‘children’. The dying teen had been the first-person Carlisle changed, but he was certainly not the last. The following century was filled with adventures with the family he’d procured post-death.

Still, as his many of his ‘children’ found lovers, Carlisle often wondered if he’d do the same. Alice had Jasper, Rosalie had Emmett – their love was beautiful to be witness to, and it left Carlisle wanting the same.

Eventually, he stumbled upon Y/N.

Y/N was the most remarkable human (or vampire) he had ever met. The woman was a nurse, a healer, a lover, a fighter, a thinker… She was far more than Carlisle could ever have dreamt he could one day deserve. The entirety of his coven loved her – even the more stubborn, stuck-in-their-ways members adored their ‘father’s’ love.

The day he finally asked her to marry him, he had wept tearlessly (as only a vampire can).

He’d gotten down on one knee, late one night. Carlisle had shamelessly been carrying around the ring he’d picked out in his left pocket, safely stored in a small, vintage ring box – Alice had been the one to tell him to do so, telling him his proposal was often ‘spontaneous’. It had been a normal day, considering. He had simply looked to Y/N briefly, and then let himself think about how he would rather fight a newborn army than spend a second longer not knowing if Y/N would spent ever and a day with him.

Nurse Y/N Y/L spared barely a second before she said yes. Alice immediately began planning their wedding, though technically, she had commenced planning their nuptials six weeks prior to their engagement.

Forks was a rather dreary place year-round, and the coven would be outed by sunlight, so their wedding was organised to take place in the middle of October. Fall happened to be Y/N’s favourite season, and the brown hues of the once green trees were too beautiful to not be included in their wedding’s colour scheme. Carlisle’s father, Reverend Cullen, had been a man of the cloth, and an important part of Carlisle’s human-life. So, it was important to him that the wedding take place in a church. They easily picked the one on Main Street, as the outside of it was as beautiful as its inside. The reception was to be held at the Cullen residence, just a short commute away.

St. Anne’s, a rather quaint church, had been decked out by a sprightly Alice the morning of. The white pews were tastefully decorated with wide, brown ribbons. The end of every other pew held floral garlands, brown and white chrysanthemums spun around dark green foliage. The aisle was laden with a long white carpet, Alice’s snide attempt at hiding the rather hideous old blue one.

The vampire guests mingled with human ones easily, not that the human guests were aware of such a fact. All guests had arrived, not a single RSVP being turned down – people were far too interested in the Cullen’s, it seemed. Attending vampires had been warned to keep the Cullen’s identity secret, and had been informed that they were not to feed within a ten-mile radius of Forks – a precautionary method that many of the vampires simultaneously loathed, and respected.

The Alaskan coven, the only other ‘vegetarian’ coven known to the Cullens’, had arrived days prior. Alice had begged for their early arrival, as she claimed that she required Kate and Tanya’s help in the set-up of the reception. Peter and Charlotte, vampires from Jasper’s past that he still kept in touch with, arrived a day before the wedding – the two mates been man-handled into cleaner, more formal clothes by Alice, much to her husband’s amusement. Other vampires arrived, having heard of their old friends upcoming nuptials. Vampires that Carlisle hadn’t seen in centuries had turned up for the occasion. Even the Volturi had sent emissaries.

Many of the human guests were friends and co-workers of the pair. They looked to be in awe of the other guests, very much stunned by their striking beauty, and when the time came they needed prompting to take their seats. Any slow stragglers were given Rosalie’s famous death-stare until they were properly seated.

Shortly, the wedding march began.

Carlisle, already at the altar with his sons as his groomsmen, steadily looked to the double-doors of the entrance. Almost dancing into the room once the doors opened, came Alice. She was bridesmaid number two, the other being Y/N’s long-time friend. The two girls entered, quickly walked the aisle, then stood opposite the groomsmen.

If Carlisle had been a living, breathing creature… his heart might have stopped at his fiancée’s entry.

Y/N was ethereal. Astounding. Celestial.

She wasn’t on the arm of a family member, as she’d long ago lost them all. Instead, she walked herself down the aisle. Her painted hands were clutching tightly at her bouquet. She was very much attempting to not fall in front of the large crowd that had gathered. Assured that she wouldn’t be at risk of tripping, Y/N looked up, her eyes connecting easily with Carlisle’s. The adoration and longing in his gaze left her breathless.

As she approached the altar, one of her hands went out to reach for Carlisle’s. Nothing had felt righter than her hand in his.

The priest spoke. They talked long about the deep bond and commitment they were making, with the two lovers answering when appropriate to do so.

“I do.”

“I will.”

Then, when prompted, Carlisle gave his vows. “If I am to perish tomorrow, let it be in the sanctity of your embrace.” His words, similar in construct to a poem or a monologue from a play, left their audience in suspense. “If I were to go through life without you by my side… I would not be living. Having you as my lover, as my friend, and as my companion, ensures that I will never feel alone, nor lonesome, again. I am excited, thrilled, to spend an eternity with your smile, with your laugh.” A ring had already been slid onto Y/N’s finger, yet Carlisle did not recede his hand. “Knowing you, has been the greatest gift I have ever received. I love you, Y/N.”

Several members of the congregation dabbed away tears that had gathered.

Y/N, also teary-eyed, took the ring held out to her. “Carlisle,” She breathed, before shakily taking his hand in her own, “Once again, you have managed to out-do me.” A patchy laugh came from the audience. “I used to think you over-rated,” Another laugh emerged, with a particularly loud chortle from Emmett, just behind Carlisle. “I felt like I already knew you, when we met. I’d heard so much about you…” Y/N quickly blinked away tears that had begun to form again, “I wish I hadn’t been so stubborn. Working with you, loving you… knowing you… You complete me in ways I didn’t know were possible.” Smiling softly, she paused to slide on Carlisle’s ring, then looked back up to gaze lovingly at his face. “I love you more than I can possible verbalise… I guess I’ll just spend forever, trying to find a way to tell you exactly how much I love you.”

To a vampire, time passed by slowly, always. Yet, in this moment, Carlisle felt like every second was at least a minute long… Eventually, their priest announced what he’d been waiting for, “You may kiss-” Carlisle didn’t bother listening to the rest of the sentence. Instead, he pulled Y/N into his arms, dipped her low, then planted his lips onto hers desperately. Their lips slotted together seamlessly, this particular dance one their lips had danced dozens of times before.

A wolf-whistle pulled them apart. Y/N was breathing heavily, quite flustered. Carlisle was beaming.

The newly-weds marched arm-in-arm out of the church, grinning and smiling despite the fact it had begun to drizzle. Carlisle’s sleek Mercedes, which had been adorned with matching ribbon, was parked out front. The drive to the Cullen residence was full of the two lover’s giggles, and their murmurs of admiration.

Secretly, both of them counted down the hours until they could leave for their honeymoon (with Carlisle counting the minutes and seconds, as well). Y/N had no idea where they would be going, but she’d booked three weeks off of work for it, so it had to be far from Forks.

Carlisle assured her, “You’ll love it.” What person wouldn’t want an island, and home, completely secluded from the rest of the world – their own perfect, quiet spot? Though, to Carlisle; where they celebrated didn’t matter, rather it was the fact they celebrated at all that truly thrilled him. His long wait was over… Carlisle Cullen was married to his mate.

The only thing going amiss, was the fact that she was very much still a human. But, Carlisle mused as he pulled into his home’s large garage, that was a problem for another day.

Masterlist for this series | Part 1 | Part 2

TAGGED:

@iamwarrenspeace, @stilesloverdaily, @itsnotnormalteen, @aw-hawkeye, @glimmering-darling-dolly, @snapplejuice, @lookatflam, @seninjakitey, @theshortegg, @lexa-hataka, @gqlqxies, @artemis629, 

[goingknowherewastaken]

Divine Me A Masterpiece Challenge

♦ About

Welcome to my 1000 follower challenge!!! With there being a lot of seasonal challenges right now I thought I’d do something a little different. I thought that maybe we should get in touch with magic that’s in the air right now ;)

So for this challenge we are looking at tarot! First I’ll go over the rules and expectations, then gloss over tarot, and finally round out this post with the characters and prompts. So let’s get started :D

♦ Rules

To Enter

You must apply through my ask box so no anons. If you are using a side blog and don’t want your main shown to the world tell me so in the ask and I will not post it publicly. 

Every entry needs to be inspired by a Major Arcana card and must be focused on a character or ship I listed.

Each card is limited to one person!

Entries must be sent by ask and will be posted publicly!

I have bonus prompts listed at the bottom of this post; you need to use at least one (1) and you are limited to three (3) total! Sentence prompts are all first come, first serve! The majority of the AU prompts have a two person limit.

What your ask should include - the tarot card you wish to claim, the character or ship you wish to write for, and 1-3 of the prompts/AUs I have listed (You need to use at least one from the list).

All angst must have a happy ending and no cis-swapping.

I am accepting - fics, fan art, moodboards, edits, and playlists (you need to make a cover for it).

Note: I work second shift so please don’t panic if I don’t respond in the afternoon/evening hours.

November 24th, 2018 - I currently am just shy of 1000 followers and will not be posting a due date for these until I get 1000 followers. I will tag all who entered when that happens.

When Posting Your Work

All entries are due on February 22nd, 2019. Please do not post before then.

Make sure to list - the character/ship you wrote for, any warnings, and if it is nsfw.

Tell me how you interpreted the card for your work.

Make sure to tag me @goingknowherewastaken and @jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets (Ashley is my assistant during this challenge)

Please use this tag within the first 5 tags - #DivineMeAMasterpieceChallenge

If your work contains nsfw content please make sure to tag it accordingly.

Please send me the link to your work through my ask box!

♦ About Tarot

We’ve all seen the decks of cards with beautiful designs used for helping find possible answers to questions we may have, but not everyone knows what’s going on with them. I will gloss over the bare minimum of info here, but I encourage you all to read up on tarot if you are unfamiliar with it.

Tarot cards are used for uncovering possible answers to questions we have about our lives - from love to career. Cards can be drawn and placed in a certain layout (spread) and are then read in a specific order. They are meant for enlightenment and what they tell in the spread is not set in stone - they are cards and you can ignore their take if you wish.

There are two ways to read the cards depending on how they appear in a spread - upright and reversed (upside down). If the card is revealed to be right-side up you are to read the card as is and if it is reversed then it’s meaning is reversed.

Depending on the deck, the description of the card can vary slightly, but overall they are similar. Also, the meaning behind the card is affected by the other cards in the spread. For this challenge you will only have to worry about the card you selected.

Because there are in total 78 cards in a standard deck (divided between the Major Arcana and the Minor Arcana), we will only be using the Major Arcana which totals 22 cards.

Please read up more on the card you select!!!!!

The Tarot Cards (the words listed are just brief overviews of the cards that I gathered from Biddy Tarot)

Fool - @haveyouseenmymind 

Upright - beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit

Reversed - naivety, foolishness, recklessness, risk-taking

The Magician

Upright - power, skill, concentration, action, resourcefulness

Reversed - manipulation, poor planning, latent talents

High Priestess - @frostingsfics 

Upright - intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind

Reversed - hidden agendas, need to listen to inner voice

The Empress

Upright - fertility, femininity, beauty, nature, abundance

Reversed - creative block, dependence on others

The Emperor

Upright - authority, father-figure, structure, solid foundation

Reversed - domination, excessive control, rigidity, inflexibility

Hierophant - @bsotstory 

Upright - religion, group identification, conformity, tradition, beliefs

Reversed - restriction, challenging the status quo

Lovers - @the-goddamn-queen 

Upright - love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices

Reversed - disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values

Chariot

Upright - control, will power, victory, assertion, determination

Reversed - lack of control and direction, aggression

Strength

Upright - strength, courage, patience, control, compassion

Reversed - weakness, self-doubt, lack of self-discipline

Hermit - @auduna-druitt 

Upright - soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance

Reversed - isolation, loneliness, withdrawal

Wheel of Fortune - @kjs-s

Upright - good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning point

Reversed - bad luck, negative external forces, out of control

Justice

Upright - justice, fairness, truth, cause and effect, law

Reversed - unfairness, lack of accountability, dishonesty

Hanged Man

Upright - suspension, restriction, letting go, sacrifice

Reversed - martyrdom, indecision, delay

Death - @captainsbabysitter-blog 

Upright - endings, beginnings, change, transformation, transition

Reversed - resistance to change, unable to move on

Temperance

Upright - balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning

Reversed - imbalance, excess, lack of long-term vision

Devil - @bookcaseninja

Upright - bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism

Reversed - detachment, breaking free, power reclaimed

Tower - @haveyouseenmymind 

Upright - disaster, upheaval, sudden change, revelation

Reversed - avoidance of disaster, fear of change

Star - @filatarcangelus

Upright - hope, spirituality, renewal, inspiration, serenity

Reversed - lack of faith, despair, discouragement

Moon - @resistance-is-futile81

Upright - illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious

Reversed - release of fear, unhappiness, confusion

Sun - @and-i-cant-resurrect-you 

Upright - fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality

Reversed - temporary depression, lack of success

Judgement 

Upright - judgement, rebirth, inner calling, absolution

Reversed - self-doubt, refusal of self examination

World  

Upright - completion, integration, accomplishment, travel

Reversed - lack of completion, lack of closure

♦ Characters And Ships

Characters (for reader inserts)

Jim Kirk (AOS)

Leonard McCoy (AOS)

Spock (AOS)

Scotty (AOS or TOS)

Steve Trevor

Steve Rogers

Bucky Barnes

Clint Barton

Bruce Banner

Thor

Peter Quill

Skurge

Owen Grady (Jurassic World)

Nicholas Devereaux (The Princess Diaries 2)

Cinderella’s Prince (Into The Woods)

Bernie Webber (The Finest Hours)

Jack Ryan (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)

Toby Howard (Hell Or High Water)

FDR Foster (This Means War)

Dr. Alex Murray (A Wrinkle In Time)

Robert the Bruce (Outlaw King)(I can’t help it he’s too precious with Elizabeth!!)

Eomer

Vaako (The Chronicles of Riddick)

Gavin (Pete’s Dragon)

William Cooper (RED)

John Kennex (Almost Human)

Vincent Stevens (The Loft)

Kirill (The Bourne movies)

Ships

McKirk

WonderTrev

Jim Kirk x Eomer

Jim Kirk x Vaako

Jim Kirk x Scotty (Scirk)

Owen Grady x Charlie Weasley (from Harry Potter)(I know no one will use this ship but I have to have hope ya know?)

WonderKirk

Napollya (Napoleon Solo x Illya Kuryakin from (T.M.F.U.)

Merthur

I have expressed interest in other crossfandom ships in the past that involve one (or some) of the characters listed above so if you have an ship in mind ask me about it and I may grant an exception to it (no sp*rk though so don’t even try that)

♦ Other Prompts

Sentence Prompts (gathered from around tumblr)

“I…think I’m in love?” - @the-goddamn-queen 

“Are you scared? Don’t be. ‘ll protect you from today onwards.” @haveyouseenmymind

“It’s crazy, isn’t it? Two complete strangers who know nothing about each other being brought together like this.”

your car slid into a snowbank and i’m the mechanic that comes to tow you

i hate the holidays more than anything in the world and you drive me nuts because you love the holidays more than anything in the world and this is why we aren’t friends (enemies to friends to lovers hello)

i’m constantly dragging all my friends to your hockey games because i think you’re so much fun to watch and i don’t think you’ll ever notice me

you knit me a sweater for christmas and i realize i am in love with you @bsotstory 

your birthday lands on christmas so no one ever remembers except this year i’ve asked everyone to delay their holidays to throw you a proper birthday bash

I build a fort in the college courtyard and have been throwing snowballs at people passing by and you are not impressed

our first date is spent walking around our small town holding hands and talking as soft snow falls around us @resistance-is-futile81 

I mean life is full of surprises. You could find the love of your life tomorrow, but you could also wake up bald. @the-goddamn-queen 

Will you press pause on your SHIT for 5 minutes? @the-goddamn-queen 

“Let’s not confuse healthy eating with a hot dog.”

“I’m gonna lay down and die for like a half hour okay?”  @auduna-druitt

“So MacGyvering this out of my tuckus right now.” @captainsbabysitter-blog 

“I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit.” @frostingsfics 

“You screw with me, I’ll screw with you.”

“i’m pretty good at providing distractions.”

“Why is there a picture of Steve Buscemi in your bathroom?!”

“These stars are nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in your eyes.”

“Are you ready to dance with the devil?” @bookcaseninja

hey i just moved into the house next door and i just wanted to let you know that your dog keeps getting into my yard an - wait what? what do you mean that’s a cat????? that’s not a cat it’s fucking huge!!!! (turns out it is a cat, it’s just really big and fat) @haveyouseenmymind 

The postal worker delivered your package to my place accidentally and I was expecting something so I totally didn’t look before I opened it and… wow that is um… quite an interesting thing you bought and I’m here to return it

our dogs are in love with each other and it’s making things awkward at the dog park AU

I injured myself doing something stupid at a holiday party and you’re the doctor at the emergency clinic AU

I just moved into a new apartment and went to buy groceries, but I bought more than I could carry back. I’ve stopped to catch my breath when I hear someone asking if I need help and I look up and the sun is literally making you glow like a damn angel. @and-i-cant-resurrect-you 

where one person is actually famous and sets up a dating account with their real picture and the other sees it and is like, oh dude you are not fooling anyone with that picture and when they actually meet the other is pissed because DUDE YOU’RE THAT FAMOUS PERSON and the other is like, yeah, i mean, i thought you knew…

i have a soft spot for cats so i always feed the fat one that’s always hanging out in the hall with treats and now it started hanging around me fuck i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to accidentally steal your pet @filatarcangelus

“ur just a random stranger and i’ve been ranting to you for like 20 minutes about how much i hate this one band but now several groups of people came up to you asking for pics and autographs, and oh shit it turns out you’re in the band i’ve been going on about” au

You’re a famous viner and I constantly witness you doing the weirdest things AU

“I went to see you live in concert and was front row and you went into the crowd and I grabbed your hand, but started freaking out so much that I was touching you that I couldn’t let go to the point where security had to physically tear me away from you and now you’ve invited me backstage literally what” AU

AU Prompts (each of these (baring the Soulmate AU) has a two person limit)

Soulmate AU (there will be no limitations on this prompt) - @frostingsfics 

A/B/O AU

Shop AU -

Book shop,

flower shop,

bakery,

coffee shop/cafe,

ice cream shop,

boutique/antique store

Professors/Teachers AU

Wings AU - @bookcaseninja 

Supernatural Creature(s) AU

vampires,

werewolves,

fey,

shapeshifters,

Ghosts,

demons,

Angels

merpeople

Magic/HP AU - @haveyouseenmymind 

Celebrity/Famous Face/Hollywood AU

Fake Relationship AU - @captainsbabysitter-blog 

Youtuber/Viner AU

Circus AU - @kjs-s 

Roommates AU - @auduna-druitt

Historical AU

Fairy Tail/Disney AU

Spy/Secret Agent AU

Royalty AU - @and-i-cant-resurrect-you 

Classic Novel Pride & Prejudice AU

Tagging those interested: @musicmandy1991 (tumblr won’t let me tag you????) @haveyouseenmymind @outside-the-government @tardisoftheshire @bookcaseninja @miraclesoflove @exiledtime @cynically-optomistic @frostedej

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

Hey Danielle! Would you consider yourself a perfectionist? If you are, how do you get around those tendecies? Lol I just realized recently that I am textbook perfectionist and it's super limiting on my life, so I'm looking for ways to break out of this. (P.S. Love love love your blog, always brightens up my day to see your posts on my dash)

I wrote so freaking much so Imma make this a read more lol

Aw first of all thank you for your sweet words!!!

I am 101% an absolute insane perfectionist yes lol. I’ve been this way my whole life but in the past month or so especially it has been manifesting itself more and more which is STRESSFUL so I feel ya.

I’ve found that I’m better able to get around those tendencies in some aspects of life than others since they tend to manifest in different ways ya know?

Like with school I definitely work super duper hard (growing up my parents always said nobody could ever possibly put more pressure on me than I do on myself) but college has kind of been a wake up call in the sense that after a certain point of effort, you really need to just chill tf out and you’ll be better off. For instance, sometimes you can study for an exam for an extra two hours but there still is going to be a question on material you just didn’t have in your notes and would not have gotten even if you studied longer. I definitely try to take into account the concept of diminishing marginal returns when it comes to my academics. Obviously you want to put time and effort into things, but if that extra few hours is the difference between 1 question or making memories with friends, going for a run, etc. you need to decide what is more worth it. ALSO super helpful mantra “done is better than perfect.” I think this applies to me most when it comes to writing. When I have to write something I just word vomit a response and then walk away for a few hours and then come back and edit it. My boyfriend and best friend are the opposite, they will agonize over each sentence trying to make it perfect on the first try which ends up taking waaaaaay longer. Plus, 99% of the time when I come back to my writing I’m like wait that’s completely fine and good anyway.

Also related to school (omfg I already know this reply is going to end up being 100 years long) I finally, in my final semester of undergrad, am realizing that you really do not need to do every single thing on the syllabus. I am someone who always wants to do every single thing that is asked of me, but the reality is that a lot of the time spending 5 hours agonizing over a textbook chapter isn’t actually going to put you ahead of someone who didn’t do a reading by the time the professor finishes lecturing about it. (disclaimer: this obviously varies on a class by class basis because sometimes you 100% need to do the reading but a lot of the time it honestly will not make a difference and your time could be better spent elsewhere)

ALLSOOOOO with academics I know GPA is important, (and I’m saying this as someone who has a good gpa so take this with a grain of salt), but I firmly believe your CV and experience matters wayyyyyyy more. Aka, if you are going to skip out on a research opportunity so that you can get a 4.0, you might not actually be better off. It’s good to be well rounded. Also, chances are you’re still going to do well academically even if you do have an extra thing to worry about.

I guess the bottom line with that is choose where your time is most valuably spent. ^^

The main place where I see my perfectionist tendencies manifest are in food/exercise (hello recipe for an eating disorder) and even though I’ve come a long way I have recently been realllllllly realizing how much this is a thing. It’s like trying to find the perfect balance of food and movement has become a hobby and that is !!!!! bad !!!!!!!!

With this aspect of perfectionism I think it’s important to decide WHY you are doing those things. WHY do I feel the need to control my food to be “perfect” (doesn’t exist). Am I going to get an award for it? Am I going to be happier? (clearly the answer is no to all of this). 

For myself, I see my perfectionism as a manifestation of my ABSURDLY STRONG need for control. I think once you start to ask yourself why you are doing the things you do or feeling the way you do, you can begin to lighten up a little. Also, letting go of that perfectionism and seeing where life takes you may give you the experience you need to chill the heck out. For instance, last semester when I got my stress fracture I was forced to just rest for months, I was staying up way later and going out more (something me, who loves to get up early AF and get my shit together, would never do in the past), spontaneously doing things, etc. And of course part of me felt uncomfy because these actions didn’t fit into my idea of “perfection” but despite those moments of anxiety overall I was so. much. happier. holy. shit. 

This is a super long ramble as per usual but I think the key is 1. realizing that perfectionism lacks morality, doing something perfectly vs. pretty good is not inherently better and may have its own drawbacks. 2. getting to the bottom of why you feel the need to be perfect. 3. stepping out of your own way and living a little and caring a little less and realizing that the world isn’t going to end.

We’re in this together anon 👊🏼

[searchforthescars]

Road Music

In which Murphy goes on a road trip of self-discovery, following directions shoved in his cup holder in the hopes of undoing what he’s done.

Inspired by an excerpt of Siken’s “Road Music” sent to me by @emorireyes . Hopefully the length of this makes up for the length of time I spent on it.

And, as always, much love to @bombshellsandbluebells who sends me reaction GIFs and wonderful messages and also edits really darn well. <3

Also on Ao3.

1. The eye stretches to the horizon and then must continue up. Anything past the horizon is invisible, it can only be imagined. You want to see the future but you only see the sky. Fluffy clouds. Look—white fluffy clouds. Looking back is easy for a while and then looking back gets murky. There is the road, and there is the story of where the road goes, and then more road, the roar of the freeway, the roar of the city sheening across the city. There should be a place. At the rest stop, in the restaurant, the overpass, the water’s edge… 

Murphy won’t tell her where they’re going.

Granted, it was probably her own fault for not asking a couple more questions when he showed up at her apartment at 6 in the morning with a duffel bag and a list of oddly specific, seemingly nonsensical directions. She didn’t ask, though; she got dressed, packed a bag and put on her brace while he stood in her living room, staring at the ancient pictures on her wall.

Now that they’re three hours and nearly 250 miles down an abandoned stretch of highway, she asks, “What are we doing, J?”

“Driving,” he says.

“Obviously. But why?”

He doesn’t answer. He looks down at the napkin spread over his lap. When Raven squints, she sees directions printed in a careful hand. It’s not Murphy’s writing, and it’s not anyone else’s she recognizes.

“Where’s this taking us?”

He doesn’t answer. She can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s gone somewhere else in his head. She leans back in the passenger seat and waits.

She’s beautiful with a split lip and bloody nose. “Damn it, John, you couldn’t have waited another second?”

Murphy passes her a rag for her mouth. “You would’ve gotten killed!”

“I had it handled,” she says with a bloody grin. “You were just scared.”

He shrugs. “Maybe so.”

She smiles again, her soft eyes sharp against the rest of her vicious visage. “Come on.” She grabs his hand. “Let’s go.”

She pulls him along through a maze of alleyways, their pavement shiny from the spring rain, and to the overpass where cars race below at a dizzying speed.

He sits beside her and passes her the bottle of whiskey he’d swiped from the bar during Emori’s first fight. “I knew you loved me,” she crows.

“The alcohol’s what clued you in?” he asks, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. Back there, in the gaps between the skyscrapers, she has to hate him, and he has to avoid her. Here, away from the loud city, he can love her, and she can chose him. It’s nice, consequences be damned.

“That, among other things.” She kisses him. He tastes blood and sweat, salt and tears. When he opens his mouth to her, she lets out a low sound that sends shivers down his spine.

“Love you, John,” she murmurs against his lips. She pulls away and grins, taking a swig straight from the bottle, then passing it to him.

“Um, where the hell are we?” Raven asks, slamming the car door shut and jogging to Murphy’s side. He’s standing in front of an old brick wall with a brown metal security door and a single flickering light that doesn’t do much to ward off the shadows.

“Stay here,” he says, yanking on the handle until the door flails open with a scream of protest and slams against the wall, so hard Raven’s shocked the handle doesn’t dent the brick.

She counts to 20, then follows him. She’s not sure if she’s truly walking silently, or if he’s just too preoccupied to hear her, but he never once notices her presence as she weaves her way around dusty chairs and trash-ridden tables. He’s standing on a low, uneven stage, his feet leaving prints in the dust.

They lock eyes from across the room. He says nothing, only hops down after a long moment and pushes past her, back through the door and the cold back corridor.

They drive another 50 miles or so, weaving through cramped city streets that spit them out onto the highway. He pulls over at a rest stop, which is really nothing more than a collection of cramped, deteriorating brick buildings: two bathrooms, a storage shed and something that might have been a picnic shelter once, before the weeds took over.

He walks to the edge of the woods, and Raven follows, mostly because she knows it might annoy Murphy out of his silence, but also because she doesn’t quite trust that he knows what he’s doing. The memory of him sitting on the floor in front of his mother’s worn green couch with a gun against his chin and tears in his eyes is still too fresh for her taste.

He hadn’t spoken to her then, either.

“Murphy.” Her voice is loud against a backdrop of cicada screams and road noise filtering in through the trees. “J. What are we doing here?”

He doesn’t answer. Raven contemplates putting her foot down and refusing to budge an inch until he gives her some answers, but she knows he won’t hesitate to leave her behind. Plus, the scientist in her is curious about why they’re on this spontaneous adventure when Murphy hates both spontaneity and adventure; he once told Raven he needed at least 48 hours in advance to change his plans, even if his plans were to do nothing.

He tilts his head back and looks up at the sky. There are no stars, but Raven can see the moon.

“There should be more,” Murphy murmurs. “More than this.”

“What?”

He shakes his head. When he looks down, Raven can see tears in his eyes. “Nothing. Let’s go.”

It hasn’t occurred to Raven to be worried about her best friend, but as she watches his slim hands white-knuckle the wheel of his shitty car, she starts to be concerned. The tears never fall, but they’re there, resting on the edge of his lashes.

And then, she realizes. Or rather, she remembers. The memory feels like a faded photograph, blurry around the edges and fuzzy everywhere else, but she can see enough to know what Murphy’s thinking of.

“This is about her, isn’t it?” she asks quietly.

Murphy sniffs, nods. “About time you figured it out.”

She ignores the derisive tone of his voice. “J, it’s been three years.”

“I know,” he snaps. “But I can’t… I can’t let it go.”

“Murphy.”

He shakes his head. A tear spills over. “Don’t. Please. Just don’t.”

Raven shuts up and lets him drive.

2. He was not dead yet, not exactly— parts of him were dead already, certainly other parts were still only waiting for something to happen, something grand, but it isn’t always about me, he keeps saying, though he’s talking about the only heart he knows— He could build a city. Has a certain capacity. There’s a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly and he thinks if he could just maneuver one into place— well then, game over.

Raven falls asleep somewhere between midnight and dawn. Murphy envies her, but he can’t sleep. He keeps thinking about her, about her voice and the sound of her laugh and the soft way she sighed when he held her after a nightmare.

That’s why he’s doing this. He doesn’t know what to expect - a grave or a living girl - but he knows there’s a high chance she won’t be glad to see him.

He doesn’t blame her.

“Why are we doing this?” she asks, leaning against the doorway, watching him get dressed. “Why are we fighting?”

He doesn’t face her, doesn’t answer. He focuses on straightening his collar instead. Damn this new job that makes him care about his appearance. But it’s the price he pays for going straight, the price he pays for being able to be seen with the woman he loves.

“John.” Her voice is soft. When he turns to look at her, he sees her twisting the ring that hangs from a chain around her neck. His hand subconsciously moves to the matching one on his left hand. “John, what are we doing?”

He sighs. “Emori…”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I love you, but I won’t let you wall yourself off from me like this.” She holds up the ring. “How can we be a team when you won’t tell me what’s going on? How can we work together when you put a wedge between us.”

He doesn’t have an answer. What else is new.

She steps closer and folds down his collar with clumsy hands. He feels the heat radiating off her. He hates it, but it forces him to stand still.

“Are you going to be okay?” he asks when she moves back. He wants to kiss her on the forehead, wants to apologize for all the hateful things he said last night - things he should have known better than to ever let leave his mouth.

She nods. A glimmer of mischief brightens her eyes. Her cheeks, ruddy from days spent working in the hot summer sun, stretch as she smiles. “I’ll see you tonight.”

He kisses her quickly, a peck on the lips, and ignores her sound of protest when he doesn’t deepen it. She doesn’t follow him to the door.

He’s tried to forget her. It hasn’t worked, and he hates himself for it because he could pull his heart from his chest, but he can’t make himself remove the ring from his finger.

The sun breaks over the horizon, and with it comes the city, sprawling out in the distance, bright and lonely in the wide expanse of sky. Murphy pulls over on the side of the road at the top of a hill and watches the sun coming up. When Raven wakes up, muttering unintelligibly and squinting into the sun, he pretends her dark head on his shoulder belongs to someone else.

They stop at another rest stop so he can wash up and Raven can get some shitty vending machine coffee for the two of them. She gives him a ‘where-next?’ look that he doesn’t acknowledge, choosing instead to peel out onto the highway and roar toward the skyscrapers.

He wonders if she still has her warehouse job. He wonders if Anya makes her talk about her feelings or if she’s spent the past few years alone. He even dares to consider that she’s thrown her ring away.

Raven turns on the radio. He figured she would, figured she’d be bored of the silence, but that doesn’t mean he likes it. Twice, he shuts it off. Three times, she switches it back on.

This time, they don’t stop at the city. The directions scrawled on an old napkin don’t tell him to slow down, so he doesn’t.

“Murphy,” Raven starts as they swerve past the freeway exit and head down an old dirt road. “Do you know where you’re going?”

They pass a graveyard. He knows where they are now. His stomach knots in dread. There are tears gathering in his eyes and at the back of his throat. He doesn’t pay them any mind. He can’t afford to.

“Yep,” he says shortly. Raven raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment. She does, however, snatch his direction-filled napkin from his lap, peering at it in curiosity and confusion. “Where is this taking you?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m gonna be buried here someday,” she tells him nonchalantly, balancing on the fence post while he hikes himself up to sit on the top rail. “This is where people go when no one wants them.”

“Don’t think like that,” he says. She stands on one foot, then the other. Her hair whips around her face and sticks to her chapped lips.

Damn, she’s beautiful, he thinks.

“You’d bury me somewhere nice,” she continues, “but we both know you’ll die first.”

“Oh?” he asks, cocking an eyebrow at her.

“Between your fucked-up liver and your hatred of food, I’m hedging my bets on that.”

Murphy snorts. She grins that beautiful smile he’s come to know as well as his and plops down beside him.

“We’re not going to live much longer, are we?” she asks. She sounds mournful, and Murphy doesn’t blame her. Between her dead brother and his shitty mother, it’s a wonder they’ve made it this far. But it comes at a cost, like all things do; she lost her agency, and he lost his body. But at least they found each other.

He passes a knuckle over the scar under her eye. “I’ll live as long as you tell me to.”

“I want you to live forever,” she retorts, leaning into his touch.

“As long as it’s with you.”

She grimaces. “Sap.”

He smiles, leans forward to kiss her. She tastes like the dirt road and a lost bar fight. “Love you.”

She leans her forehead against his shoulder. “Love you too.”

He barely manages to pull over before he’s flinging the door open and dry heaving onto the dirt, the memory twisting his gut into painful knots.

“J!” Raven reaches for him, then pulls back. “Murphy, what is it?”

He doesn’t realize he’s sobbing until he tries to speak. “I need her,” he chokes out. “Raven, I fucked everything up. I fucked it up so long ago, what if-”

“Hey, shhh,” Raven tries to soothe him, but it’s clear she doesn’t know what to do in the face of his sudden outburst of emotion.

He gasps himself to some state of calm, and then Raven speaks again. “Is that what we’re doing? Finding her?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know.” He holds up the near-ruined napkin. “This was shoved in my cup holder last week. I don’t know whose writing it is, but these are all places she and I went.”

Raven frowns. He tries to focus on her clever eyes, but he fails. They’re the wrong shade of brown anyway. “You do realize how insane this is, right? That someone broke into your car to leave you this, and now you’re actually following the directions.”

He nods. “I don’t care.” He wipes his mouth and eyes with the back of his hand and closes the door. “I need to know what’s at the end.”

Raven sighs. Murphy entertains the irrational fear that she’s going to leave him, which is absurd since they’re hundreds of miles away from home. He’s been alive for nearly twenty-five years, and he’s been terrified of being alone for more than half of them. The closest he’s ever felt to safe is this.

“Okay,” Raven says. Murphy shuts the door. “Let’s go.”

3. You wonder what he’s thinking when he shivers like that. What can you tell me, what could you possibly tell me? Sure, it’s good to feel things, and if it hurts, we’re doing it to ourselves, or so the saying goes, but there should be a different music here. There should be just one safe place in the world, I mean this world. People get hurt here. People fall down and stay down and I don’t like the way the song goes. You, the moon. You, the road. You, the little flowers by the side of the road. You keep singing along to that song I hate. Stop singing.

There was a time when Emori thought John’s apartment was the only safe place in the world for her.

She plays with the chain around her neck and thinks about him, about his eyes and deft fingers and the way he smiled at her after a fight. She remembers the relief on his face when it was her coming into the bedroom and not someone else. She remembers the joy on his face in the courthouse, outside the church.

“You up?” Anya yells from outside the door, interrupting her thoughts.

“Yeah!” Emori shouts back. After a moment, she opens the door. Anya stands there, hands on her hips. “What? I’m not late.”

Anya raises an eyebrow at her tone but says nothing. She leaves, and Emori watches her go, standing in the doorway to her room, shivering against the rough wood. There’s a restless energy under her skin that won’t stop buzzing. She wants to rip it all to shreds, starting with her bad hand and working up, up, up until it all just-

Stops.

“What now, John?” she snaps. The nausea makes her angry. The fear makes her lightheaded. “What’s your fucking problem?”

He stands up, hands balled into fists. She doesn’t flinch - she knows he won’t hit her - but he’s ruined nonetheless. His face is twisted into the all-too-familiar look of self-hatred.

“You can’t even tell me why,” she whispers. “You can’t even tell me why,” she says.

He runs a hand through his hair. It sticks up at all angles. She tries not to find it cute. “Damn it, Emori-”

“No!” she shouts. “You can’t throw this away just because you’re scared! You picked me! You chose me! You signed a certificate and made a promise that you wouldn’t leave me! So don’t fucking lie to me and say that you want to be done!”

“I didn’t say that!”

She laughs, wrapping her arms around her torso. Her stomach shivers. “You’re sure acting like it.”

John stares at her. “Is that what you think?”

“This is what you always do,” she points out. “You cut and run when you’re afraid of what you’ll do, of losing this. I’m changing, John. We’re changing. And you need to catch up or be left behind.”

He makes his choice. She tries not to regret it when he moves out. She tries to hold firm when he moves back in, and she moves in with Raven. She nearly forgets when Raven moves out and Anya moves in, but it comes roaring back every so often and nearly chokes her every day.

There’s a knock at the door, a scuffle of feet on the porch that Emori can hear clearly thanks to the open windows throughout the house. Her heart leaps into her throat. She feels ink and a coarse napkin under her hands. She tastes blood and whiskey and kisses.

“Emori?” Anya shouts upstairs. Her voice is full of questions. “There’s someone here for you.”

She’s halfway down the stairs before Anya can finish saying her name.

His name dies on her lips the moment she sees him. He looks like hell, looks like thousands of miles of dirt road, hangovers and nights crying into a shitty mattress on a dirty apartment floor.

“Emori?”

She told herself if he ever came, she’d make him apologize - make him ask for her to come home.

“John.”

She told herself she wouldn’t let him touch her.

“I’m so sorry, Mori.”

She told herself she wouldn’t run to him.

“It’s okay.”

She can’t move. She can’t breathe. Anya’s looking at her as if to say want me to kick him off my porch?

“No, it’s not, I-”

Anya moves aside, out of the doorway, and Emori flies into his arms so quickly she startles herself. He wraps his arms tightly around her shoulders and holds on with trembling hands.

“I’m sorry, Emori, I’m so sorry,” he says into her neck. He’s crying a little, and so is she, but she tries to keep it together enough to remember how it feels to bury her head in his chest.

“It’s okay.” She rubs his back with her good hand. “Shh, John, it’s okay.”

She can’t help it. She sees his car, and she can’t help it.

“What are you doing?” Anya asks. They’re only in town for a few hours, and only because Lexa lives here, just blocks from John’s - their - place.

Emori kneels by the shitty red Oldsmobile and wiggles the handle. It pops open. Before she can second-guess herself, she stuffs the napkin in the cupholder.

She shouldn’t have spent the whole drive working on it. She shouldn’t have taken him to every place that would make him miss her. But she did. She does. She closes the door and prays.

“You could just call him,” Anya says.

Emori shakes her head. “I want him to find me.” She smiles. “We always did like driving.”

[kalon-confessions-blog]

alright, I'm not really here often, but I felt I kinda had to address this. I wanted to give you all a little insight into a few things that will overall improve your experience with kalons  -

1. if how many sparkledogs you have (or don't have) is really that big of a concern to you, then I'm sorry, but kalons isn't going to cater to you. I get it, okay. I was a non-owner once and I wasn't exactly all peachy all the time about it. but really, if you want to be a part of kalons, you have to let go of stuff like this. you are never, ever gonna have a perfect tryout and you are never guaranteed to win - trust me. if you get your hopes up to high, it can really hurt if you lose. on the other hand, winning when you never expected you would is super rewarding.

2. please, please always think about your own life before sparkledogs. once you get into the mentality that kalons is all you should think about - how many you have, where are all the new comps, why don't I have a kalon with that edit yet - it can be incredibly hard to get out of. I spent the entirety of my first months with kalons - up to the point that karmel & wicced became owners, pretty much - in a deep depression because they were all I could think about. they became my life and I suffered - a lot - because of it. just don't let yourself get to that point.

3. stop caring about edits. seriously, this is really important. once you can just stop caring about how many edits a kal has and what rarity they are, you will be so much happier - and you'll probably be doing better in comps as well. if you can look at design over edits it'll help you immensely when you're working on comp prompts. seriously, the first two kals I won had 0 edits and the second probably has the best form I've ever made. also, it'll make losing 100/50s easier - before when I lost on them it felt like the end of the world, but now I just think 'hey I can use these ideas better for something else'. in fact, continuing off of that -

4. if you try out for a lot of comps - or even just a handful - expect to lose a few, or all, of them. kals are at least 75% more competitive than when I was first trying out for them, and even back then they were difficult. if you expect to win every comp and get super attached to every design you try out for, you're going to get hurt often. also, if you're really salty after a comp closes, don't say congrats to the winner until you can actually mean it - and hey, if you don't think you can at all, then don't. trust me, no one will look down on you for not saying congrats to the winner, but they will if you do and you're salty about it. it doesn't look good and it makes artists wary of letting you win other adopts. 

5. give artists time. seriously, I know an artist taking two weeks to judge something might feel like a forever, but you really have to be patient. personally I find that an artist taking longer to judge gives me a little cooldown time to think about my entry, and even get a little disconnected from my ideas so if I don't win it doesn't make me upset. give yourself the time to calm down and stop caring about the comp once an artist is judging. it'll help you loads if you can just put them to the back of your mind and stop thinking about them for a little while. it also helps the artist feel more at ease when people aren't constantly jumping at them about when a comp will be judged - and, seriously, when people are always hounding you to judge a comp it really doesn't make you want to do it. 

6. don't stress about how long your batch is taking to be made, or how you haven't found an hm custom artist yet, or whatever else you're thinking about. these are small parts of your life that really aren't worth obsessing over and really don't need to be constantly complained about. also, on the note of finding an hm custom artist, I've never had trouble finding one so I can't exactly relate but, yes, a lot of the super popular artists are gonna be busy, but that doesn't mean no one is open to making them. no artist is going to get angry at you for asking about making an hm custom (though if they've specified in their sig that they can't it's best to just let them be) and even if they aren't open at the time, a lot of artists can help point you in the right direction. also, nursery artists can make hm customs so if you've never looked at that list before it might be worth it to.

7. be respectful of everyone. honestly, if you can do this, it'll make all of you experiences in the kalon community a lot smoother. complaining about staff and the community all day won't get you anywhere, but politely asking questions, following the rules, and just being nice to other people will do a world of good for a positive experience. most of the people complaining about kalons being a toxic community are also people who make it a toxic community. there are so many amazing community and staff members - don't just overlook them for the bad ones.

8. don't worry about growths. really, don't. I only recently got a kit of mine from my very first batch grown because I knew the artist would do a good job. it's a lot more rewarding to see a kit grown nicely several months after it's batch is made than it is to get a crappy growth done for it the week it's made. also, all growths are salvageable if you can edit their ref. color their lines nicely, erase any color that's bled outside of the lines, and fix up the background to something that works with it (especially lighter colors! seriously, this seems silly, but it really makes not so great growths look a lot better). even if it's not the biggest improvement in the world, it'll make you feel a lot better. also, ask a staff member to pick through it before it gets approved and don't be afraid to let your growth artist know if a color, marking, edit, design, or whatever else, is off. staff doesn't want to guys to have inaccurate growths so if you just message one of us to look at it and see if anything is wrong before you get it approved, it'll give you a helluva improvement.

9. if something bad happens, let yourself cool down for a bit before you do something. this could be a few hours or a few days - doesn't matter. just don't do anything rash after something just happened. you will regret it, trust me. if you decide you want to leave the community, take a few days to think about what's going to happen with your kals. don't just spontaneously gift/readopt them. also, don't go about breaking rules or asking for a ban. we've had people come to us in the past asking for a ban and then immediately regretting it. think about these things for awhile before coming to a decision because if you end up not liking the path you chose, kalon staff can do nothing for you.

10. enjoy yourself. don't try and bring yourself and others down, don't let every little thing bother you, and don't let yourself ruin your own life. kalons isn't the biggest thing in your life, it's an adoptable species online. if you take things too seriously and let it take over your life it's gonna be shitty. seriously, treat kalons like what it is - a fantasy sparkledog species that doesn't hold weight on your education, job, or personal life. if you treat it as anything more than that then it's your own fault if you have a bad time being a part of this community.

[mrjtingles-blog]

If you're new here, you may not know this but I nearly became a famous YouTuber.. there's a bit of a story behind it. This video is a eulogy to the channel that nearly took me there. That channel was called Mr J Tingles and it now no longer exists. So this is me telling my story.. Sometimes in life you have to let go of somethings (or someone) that you really love. One of my dreams growing up was always to be famous for making film. When YouTube came around and I saw kids like me making their living and changing their lives by creating videos they enjoyed for an audience of millions, I always wondered if I could do it myself. It then became not only my dream but my goal. For many years I enjoyed uploading to YouTube, even before 'Mr J Tingles'. It was a pastime more than anything else, a hobby. Life's circumstances always made it so my dream was constantly put on the back burner. Yet when I grew up to be an adult with a home of my very own, I took my dream out the attic, dusted it off, and got to work. One day I just spontaneously made a video. Little did I know that it was going to my first video on an incredible journey. I edited the footage and uploaded it to YouTube while thinking the video wouldn't get very far. That was ok with me. I would just upload because I liked the stuff I made. It was for me; if anyone else liked what I had made it was a bonus. This video I made was specifically for a blooming YouTube Genre. It had a particular niche to it. Thus 'Mr J Tingles' was born on June 1st 2015 My plan and dream was to become a famous and successful YouTube VLOGGER. So my strategy was to get a start in a genre that was easier to get noticed and grow and audience in. Once a substantial amount of people regularly watched me there, my plan was to then set up a vlogging channel and run it in unison with 'Mr J Tingles'. As soon as my Vlogging channel had taken off, my plan was to make it grow to a level that I could then use it to earn my living, thus realising my dream. I started making vlog style videos on this side channel called 'Twiglquirk'. I did this earlier than I had planned out at first. The name makes light of the fact that I was skinny like a twig and quirky. I started this sooner because I was just so eager to get it going. I always wondered though, for many years, "Could I at least reach 1000 subscribers"? If I ever did, I knew I was definitely on the road to making my dream my reality. That was yet to come and there was much work to be done to even get that far! So I made a start. The first video got way more views than I thought it would. I put this down to the considerably low amount of competition for this specific kind of content in the YouTube scene, compared to other genres such as gaming or vlogging. My second upload followed suit. Buoyed by the positive results, I began to upload on a regular basis. Aiming for one video a week. Soon I realised that people came back because I was making good quality videos they enjoyed. It wasn't just by chance. Soon I reached 100 subscribers. It hadn't been the first time in my life I had reached the 100 mark, (I had various YouTube channels throughout my teen years) so I felt just a fraction of the satisfaction I'd get from my dream milestone of 1000. I worked so hard to develop my own individualism and brand in this digital world where almost everything has been done before. After many tireless hours of experimenting in editing, I settled on a 'look', a 'feel' for my channel. I was truly unique. I had designed an 'intro' and 'outro' that would play at the beginning and end of each video, reminding people who they're watching and welcoming new ones to 'Mr J Tingles' and thanking them for their support, with plugs to other videos I had made, along with the request for new comers to Subscribe. At this point I should mention the only thing I had to work with, was my phone. I used it to shoot, edit, upload, and advertise everything I made. I downloaded some apps called 'PowerDirector' and 'PhotoDirector'. I used these apps to craft my videos and my 'thumbnail' images. I've spent so many hours using these apps. They're great apps and back then PowerDirector was yet to get all the updates it's had now, so it had much less 'usability' back then. Everything was bit bareboned when I started out, it's the same for many. I edited today's video with PowerDirector and it's the first video I have uploaded since Mr J Tingles died. Using it again brought back so many memories and I would like to carry on uploading. But I'll get to that later. The 'intro' and 'outro' would continue to be molded as I learned new editing tricks and as I grew more popular. The 'outro' forever changed when I was noticed by an already very successful YouTuber, one that is still a personal favorite of mine, one I've been watching for many years. I was on the App 'YouNow' watching Chris Kendall (AKA -- Crabstickz) in a live broadcast. He is loved by MILLIONS and has tens of millions of views on his videos. I watched a number of his broadcasts and even got a quick mention or two in a few of them which was pretty cool. Then I thought, "Hey wouldn't it be INCREDIBLE if I could get Chris to say "Thanks for watching Mr J" and then use it for my videos?? That'd be AWESOME RIGHT!?!" Well on April 27th 2016, in a live broadcast, after a number of attempts to be noticed, he finally saw my messages and checked out my channel -- this was in the middle of a live broadcast. At the 1 hour and 52 minutes mark he goes onto talk about me, my channel, and the genre for 5 minutes and 13 seconds. Again, this was in the middle of a live broadcast. He then encouraged everyone watching to subscribe to me. This may not be a big deal to anyone else but to me, I was over the moon! I was at the 400 mark by this point and with his plug I had a surge of viewers visit my channel and subscribe. I quickly reached the 500 mark and I felt so happy to be halfway to 1000. Luckily, by chance, he again noticed my messages in the flood of messages he was receiving in the live broadcast, and at 2 hours, 24 minites, and 41 seconds in of the same broadcast he reads out: "Hey Chris, would you say "Thanks for watching Mr J" and I'll use it for my videos" So he did ..and I got it on film. The footage I managed to capture with my phone wasn't great quality because Chris' WiFi wasn't great, so it was a little pixely, and by this time in the broadcast it was late at night, so he was poorly lit. What I had captured was a video of a video. The only thing I could really use was the audio, being the only thing about what I had captured to be of an acceptable quality for use in my videos. But I wanted to use the video footage too, so people would recognise his face not just his voice. They would think "Hey! That's Crabstickz! What's he doing in this guy's video?? That's so cool! I'm going to subscribe!" I was still so lucky and VERY grateful to have even a pixely, poorly lit video of a video. So I really racked my brain into thinking how I could improve this clip, because I didn't want to waste it! I contacted a friend of mine who works in IT. I asked if there was anyway to download past video broadcasts from the App 'YouNow'. I know how to download YouTube videos of course and I could do that from my phone even, but there was no way I could have done it with 'YouNow', not from my phone anyway, and at that time I didn't have a laptop or computer. My friend looked into it and came back to me saying that there wasn't a way to get videos from YouNow downloaded, and he saw no immediate way to be able to do it. He said with a little more time he could figure it out, but I realised he was a busy guy and told him to not to worry. So back to square one I thought of other ways I could get the footage of Crabstickz saying, "Thanks for watching Mr J". I traversed YouTube and looked for uploads of the live broadcasts I was mentioned in. I found one fan made channel that somehow managed to upload a few of the broadcasts to YouTube. I messaged them asking if they had the broadcast of April 27th, I desperately needed the footage, I said. They responded after a few days. They said that they had been working on trying to get the footage downloaded but they ran into some problems -- the same problems my friend had ran into earlier I assumed. They said they will continue to work on their computer and mess around with some code or whatnot so they could do it. A few days later I saw in my subscription list the video I needed and so I thanked the person responsible for all their hard work and downloaded the broadcast off YouTube and started fine tuning the footage to a quality that was acceptable. It still wasn't AMAZING quality but hey, it was still awesome! I added the final product to my intro and outro and it went down really well with my audience. After a while I used it exclusively for the outro and tweaked my intro as more updates for PowerDirector came out, making it possible for my edits to be smoother. Chris actually subscribed to me in another live broadcast. That was pretty awesome too! The last thing I did with Chris was meet him. On the May 9th 2016 broadcast at 35 minutes and 15 seconds in, he activates the 'guest' feature on the broadcast and beams me into a video chat with him while it's being broadcast live to hundreds and hundreds of people from all around the world watching simultaneously. We go on to talk for 13 minutes. It was an amazing experience. It was the next best thing to meeting him in person. Again I had been a fan of his for a number of years by this point and I dreamt about meeting him, so it was incredible to have a one on one chat with him. I never would have expected it would of been live over the Internet in front of hundreds of people watching from all over the world. That was one of the biggest highlights of my YouTube dream, to meet my heros. I did it, I met one of my heros. I've a had a few of my favorite YouTuber's reply to me in the comment section on their videos, people like 'KickthePJ'. But nothing compares to the time I spent meeting Chris live in a broadcast. After a while I reached the 750 mark. I started to really feel how close I was to my dream milestone. By this point my videos were getting around 1000 views a piece. Some of my videos were very popular! I remember making one video that got over 40,000 views alone. Then I got another sudden surge of viewers and new subscribers after what felt like a slow crawl. After countless hours of editing, 60,000+ views on 30 or so videos uploaded, 16 months, 2 days and just 1 mobile phone to do all the above. I achieved my dream milestone of 1000 subscribers on October 3rd 2016. I had answered that very question I first asked myself all those years ago. Could I reach 1000 subscribers myself?? I no longer had to wonder about it, because I had DONE it! Within a few short weeks I reached the 2000 subscriber mark. It took me over one year to reach 1000. Now I was at 2000 by November. Yes, this was truly the beginning of my dream coming true, my channel was snowballing and I had so many ideas and projects in mind. I was in contact with a fellow YouTuber who was also snowballing like me. He was called PJ (not the same one as before). He was at the 5000 mark when we first started talking. I was up and coming just a few thousand behind at 2000. We started talking about making a collaboration project. The videos we aspired to do together would have been a first in the genre. No one had done what we were going to do. PJ is now at 62, 000 subscribers. I can't help but know that if I hadn't stopped, I'd still be snapping at his heels, probably around the 50,000 subscriber mark right now. Which is halfway to getting the Silver YouTube Play Button Award for 100,000 subscribers. That was my dream too. It was around this mark you could really make a fair amount of money. I would be making an equivalent to a part-time wage from my YouTube career had I carried on. My ultimate dream would be to reach 1 Million Subscribers and make it my full time job. Another project I had on the cards was to create Mr J Tingles merchandise. I made a video on my channel reaching out to graphics designers asking for their help with a project. I was in contact with a number of graphics designers. I told them exactly what I wanted to do and what I wanted from their graphic. I went into great detail explaining how I wanted the nuances of the image to look. I wanted to be personally involved in every step in how it looked, everything from what was actually happening in the picture, all the way down to posture, colours, shading and style. I left the artists to their work but gave detailed feedback with every draft image I got, so I could perfect the final product into looking like what I had envisioned. I never got a final image finished, just a pretty cool looking draft. The final image would become my brand image and it was going to go on T-shirts, hoodies, hats, mugs, phone cases, wristbands, and even Bedsheets! I was in contact with a few companies to make this happen. This is one avenue that YouTubers use to make their money. MERCHANDISE. I was excited to kick it off and I already had many viewers saying they were excited and ready to purchase my merch as soon as it hit the market. Just quickly, another project I had in mind was to create a product that was specifically designed for watching videos of this genre. I had a few blueprints and pages of research, but nothing tangible. The product was going to be something you could buy and wear specifically while watching my videos. I don't know how I was going to do this one but I didn't stop thinking about it. SO it was all going very well, it was exciting and attracting so many people, my dream was coming true.. why did I quit? Well, I have a life outside of the world of YouTube, other responsibilities and dreams. Ones that are far more important. I realised that by aspiring to be what I was becoming, I was about to compromise some values that I live by. My priorities got turned upside down and I knew I was getting a bit carried away. So I knew in order to regain control, there was just one thing I had to do. Shut it down. I had made a goodbye video that was very emotional, in which I gave a full explanation for my loyal fans and growing audience as to why I had to quit. It had the music you hear in this video playing in the background as I got all choked up talking about it on camera. I cried because it was sad but I had made my mind up. In the end I couldn't bring myself to upload that video. I thought the best way to go was like an old dog in his sleep. So without a warning or word to anyone, I abandoned all my projects, deleted all my videos I had spent countless hours working on, and deleted my channel. It was so difficult deleting each video, it felt like a knife in the chest, one stab for every video I deleted. When clicking "Confirm" to wipe Mr J Tingles from existence forever, I felt a deep sadness overcome me. I was saying goodbye to a big part of myself and to thousands of people that believed in me and supported my dream. That was it then. It was all over. My channel and my dream that I had spent just under a year and half pouring my heart and soul into, was now gone.. forever. Mr J Tingles died in November 2016 with the final count of 72,000+ views and 2145 subscribers. I retired before the real work even started. This doesn't mean that I still don't love making videos, as I said earlier I'd love to carry on uploading. But I won't be uploading with the goal to be famous. I'll be uploading because I like to create film. Not so I can succeed in the world of YouTube but because it's just my art now, not my goal. I won't even be asking people to subscribe and my videos will only be about what I want to make. I'll probably change my name and only upload when I have time. True, I never went on to become a famous YouTube Vlogger, but I realised that, in my life, there are more important things to do, bigger dreams to chase, and a greater purpose to be apart of. So no, I never made that particular dream come true. I did get closure though. Could I have become a famous and successful YouTuber?? Answer? Yes. I nearly did. Who knows where I'd be right now if I was. - Mr J Hayes -

[spellboundwolf]

Chapter 2

Part 1: http://spellboundwolf.tumblr.com/post/158223301366/chapter-1-forward-ness-wolfess-start-7302016

(y/n) = your name

(e/c) = eye color

(h/c) = hair color

Dan = Dan Howell/Danisnotonfire

Danny = Leigh Danny Avidan/Danny Sexbang

With all of that taken care of, I hope you enjoy.

Because of the previous years of talking & getting to know each other over the internet, you, got along very well with Dan & Phil. To you, it felt like you were seeing old friends after a long time apart instead of a first meeting. There was something magical about that. For dinner, you had pizza from 1 of the men's favorite delivery places & handed out gifts from America. For Phil, a bag of gourmet ground coffee & Dan received a box of cookies within a Shiba Inu print tin. As you ate together, you discussed  NSP's music tour of the UK, weather & locations where to shoot the Pokémon GO collaboration video. After helping with putting away leftovers & washing dishes, you took turns with each of them making a vlog for their individual channels. Phil's was word game-themed & Dan's was of a story time/challenge kind. As the hours went by & the sun set, Phil was the first of the trio to wear out. He retired to his room to edit videos alone then turn in for the night as you & fellow night owl Dan settled on the livingroom sofa together. He had tucked himself into the right corner, long legs stretched out across your lap as he surfed the internet on his beloved laptop. You watched some British TV, curious about what different shows there were. As the exhaustion of a full day began to catch up to you, you switched off the local news & let out a huge yawn. Dan glanced up from the screen at this. He smiled & took a sip from the mug of tea that was set nearby before speaking.

“Worn out, eh (y/n)? He asked & you turned your head towards him. You blinked slowly & nodded.

“Mm hmm.” You replied & Dan swung his feet off of your lap & onto the floor. You scoot over so that you were now right beside Dan & laid down, head against the pillow he was using to rest his laptop on. He grinned again & ran 1 hand across your hair for a moment.

“Hey there.” Dan whispered as you closed your eyes to fully relax. Before you realized it, you were out. The sounds of fingers occasionally tapping the keyboard soothed you as your mind drifted to sleep.

The next morning, you awoke very slowly. Your eyelids fluttered, yet remained closed as you were still mostly asleep. You momentarily forgot where you were, but could tell it was a bed you laid on. You rolled over &, out of habit, snuggled up to the tall body beside you as soon as your hand grazed it. You sighed as your arms blindly wound around the waist of the man in front of you.

“Mmm,” You mumbled to yourself as you pushed your forehead between his shoulder blades & hands glided across 1 of his own. Even though you were mostly acting on instinct, your conscious mind sensed something was out of place. Your fingers felt out the masculine hands that's skin were smooth & soft as apposed to the more prominent veins with mildly rough fingertips you'd memorized over the years. Your brain began to wake up more due to panic at the unfamiliar situation & with 1 last attempt to figure out who this stranger was you were snuggling, grabbed hold of his nearest thumb. It was not as broad & rounded at the tip. Your eyes flew open & you gasped loudly, sitting upright & turned away from the stranger who was not your boyfriend. Your eyes darted around, then let out a sigh of relief when recognizing you were in Dan Howell's bedroom. Oh, right. You had spent the night in his & Phil's flat. You took a few breathes then swallowed as you began to calm down. Your knees bent up as you wiped sleep from your eyes & gazed over at the unconscious form of Dan beside you. Your face was hot & pink with a blush of embarrassment. You could hardly believe you had almost felt up your friend, thinking he was Danny by accident. Thankfully, Dan was still asleep & unaware. You concluded that he must've taken you to his room so you wouldn't have to be on the sofa instead. You smiled a bit at his hospitality, then looked yourself over. You were still in your pajamas & they hadn't been messed with. You trusted Dan, but checked them out to help yourself feel relieved. After a few more uncomfortable minutes of sitting beside the sleeping Dan, you silently walked out from his room & to the bath. You did your usual morning routines, then wandered into the flat's kitchen. Phil joined you about 5 minutes later, feet shuffling lazily & head downcast in grogginess. He lifted his eyes & smiled politely when seeing you making tea for yourself.

“Ah, good morning, (y/n). How'd you sleep?” Phil asked & a bit of blush returned to your cheeks from recalling how you had woken up.

“Good morning, Phil. Slept like a log. All that fun stuff yesterday really wore me out.” You replied, leaning 1 elbow back against the counter by the fridge & took a long drink while watching your best friend grabbed a box of cereal from a high shelf. Phil's tummy briefly became exposed with the stretching. You giggled at the sight & had another sip of the hot beverage in hand.

“I hope you & Dan didn't stay up too late.” Phil said as he served himself breakfast & poured a cup of the new coffee you gave him from the brewer. As if on cue, the 2 of your heard the distant groaning of Dan.

“He must have slept very well too.” You commented then got into the fridge for your own breakfast. Spontaneously, you decided to make enough for Dan to have with you.

Dan strode into the flat's kitchen right as you pushed down the plunger of the toaster, bagel inside. Phil shouted to him from the dining area.

“Hey, Dan!” He greeted & Dan just mumbled sleepily in reply as he poured coffee for himself as well.

“Hello, good morning.” You said, then looked back at the cutting board where you were constructing 2 bagel sandwiches with scrabbled eggs & such. Dan took a bottled water from the fridge as well & stood near you to watch.

“That's a lot of food. You making some for me?” He asked & you smiled shyly.

“Uh huh. I wanted to do this as thanks for having me over... and letting me sleep in your bed.” You replied, the latter part of your sentence lowered so Phil in the next room wouldn't hear.

“Yeah, no problem. You're a cuddler, you know?” Dan said while pulling out 2 plates from the cabinet & set them near you. He leaned in a bit & took a deep breath.

“Mmmm, smells wonderful.” Dan sighed contently & walked past you to go see Phil. When he was out of sight, you paused your work. Your hands were trembling & had to curl them into fists to make them stop. Dan knew you had clung to him & didn't see it as a big deal, but you did. You decided then that the only way to feel better about this was to talk it out with Dan... and maybe not mention it to your boyfriend. You drank some more tea, dressed the plates & joined your best friends in the dining area. Dan & Phil both looked up at you.

“You forgot your bagel, silly.” You told Dan as you slid the plate in front of him with a napkin & sat down between them.

“Oh! Thank you so much, (y/n)!” He replied happily & began eating. After a stretch of time where it was just quiet food consumption & scattered yawn, the 3 of you began discussing the Pokémon GO videos & again about Ninja Sex party's UK tour. After helping to clear the breakfast table, you took time for yourself to call Brian. You didn't want to bother Danny & knew that Brian tended to wake up before the other man. Being the lead singer was pretty exhausting as well.

“Hey, (y/n). Good morning.” He said as soon as he picked up. You grinned a bit at the sound of his voice. You had only seen Brian yesterday, but missed him anyway.

“Brian, hi! How was the concert last night?” You asked & he gave you a play-by-play, plus the highlights of the show.

“Danny accidentally fell flat on his face when I shot him in the neck with a dart. It was pretty awesome.” Brain said & both of you laughed when the sleepy, grumpy voice of your boyfriend sounded off, followed by the thump of a pillow being tossed.

“Shut up, man! Don't tell people that!” Danny hollered & you got excited at his voice.

“Oh! Can I talk to him?” You asked & Brian tossed the phone over. There was the sound of scrambling fingers as Danny caught the cellphone & held it to his face.

“Mmmph, hello?” He asked in a drowsy, heavy voice. Your hands curled up again, but this time it was from adoration. Sleepy boyfriend talk was the best.

“Good morning, love. How are you?” You asked, all the awkward thoughts from clinging to Dan gone from your mind for the moment. Danny shuffled in bed & cleared his throat.

“Pretty good, would have slept better with my woman beside me.” He replied & you chuckled.

“Miss you too. I'll see you for dinner, ok?” You asked, keeping your sentences short as he was still waking up. Danny groaned as he stretched out his tired muscles & hummed at you.

“Mmm hmm, promise. See you then, babygirl.” He said & the 2 of you chatted for a couple more minutes before Brian took the phone back. You told him of your plans & said bye.

[mypinkchapter]

Top 3 Favorites.

Hi friends! I am feeling so thankful because we can now count on ONE HAND how many treatments I have left... FIVE more weeks/rounds to go!!! Praise Jesus! I feel great! #happydance

In the perfect timing that comes only from the Lord, our women's ministry began a new fall Bible study over the book of Job by Lisa Harper; it is a seven week study & when we started up, I had seven weeks of chemo left! How sweet to wrap up these chemo rounds studying a book about finding unlikely joy in the midst of suffering... suffering that isn't even comprehend-able for me. My suffering in comparison to Job's is literally a drop in a bucket. 

With that in mind daily & with the excitement of seeing even more slivers of light at the end of this tunnel, edging closer, I thought it would be fun to reflect on my favorite parts of cancer. Yes -- favorite! In such a crazy turn of events from the diagnosis in April, as we carry on now, this has been such an incredible blessing. I fully believe gratefulness in the midst of the journey has been a huge part of my healing. So, without further ado: lists of my top 3 favorites, cancer edition! 

Top 3 favorite: head coverings

Nothing. Way more people than I would have originally wanted have seen my bald head because hello, it's been a hot Arkansas summer, & I actually like showing off my teeny tiny hair growth to anyone who wants to see!

Baseball caps -- in particular my simple breast cancer baseball cap that was a gift from my bestie, Natalie. Pretty sure I wear it at least 3-4 days of the week, but it's neat how many conversations that one hat has sparked because it answers the pressing question everyone has when they notice my bald head, wondering what cancer I have. So many new survivor friends now!

Multicolor/turquoise scarf from my fellow breastie, Savanah. This was her favorite headwrap during her journey & I think she seasoned it up just perfectly for me because it is truly the only headwrap I feel comfortable/happy in. It's like the scarf just knows how to make a bald girl feel a little better! ;)

Top 3 favorite: perks of having a bald (but really now a "fuzzy") head

I can get ready in under 10 minutes! 

I walk out of the shower & have dry hair in quite literally no time. 

Back in the day, straightening my hair was no simple task & I certainly don't miss all that time in front of a mirror, but I also can't wait for the day I get to turn my straightener back on! #lovehaterelationship

Top 3 favorite: things about the St. B's Cancer Center

My NURSES... unbelievably precious humans that I actually get excited to see weekly. I am so blessed to have our sweet Aunt Sandra looking out for me like no other; she loves like I'm her own & has been the absolute best caretaker. Plus, so many other sweet folks have brightened my days & have taken top-notch care of me. I don't want to forget their names one day -- Mandy, Jyl, Mr. Jack, Tasha, & such a kind volunteer, Ms. Dorothy.

I've had a wonderful oncologist, Dr. Durrani, but my PA, Callie, is someone I have grown to think of as a friend -- she's just a friend that talks cancer with me! And fun fact: we're only four days apart, so to have someone relate-able & my age walking with me through this has been quite the comfort. 

The hours spent in those recliners inside the infusion room have been truly priceless. I have cherished conversations with my “chemo buddies” each week. Between my husband, Mom, Dad, & Gran (plus a few new chemo buddies coming up in my last few rounds!), I have loved the catch-up sessions with those I love the most!  

Top 3 favorite: things about my Riverside family since diagnosis

My kids. Cancer or no cancer, I love my kids. The love, compassion, & respect has been unmatched by both my Jr. High & Sr. High students. The world could use way more kids like the ones I am honored to teach.  

The family I work with on the daily. Something that many don't know is the fact that the sweet, sweet faculty & staff have all been providing dinners three nights a week for my family. Three nights a week, y'all. There is a care calendar in place where we have been provided for since the beginning of the school year until my treatments wrap up in early October. How humbling to have so many people spend time & effort to lovingly prepare a meal or provide a gift card to make our lives easier... I will never forget the generosity & support shown by those I am blessed to work alongside.

Mr. Priest, Mr. Ziegler, Mr. Durham, & Mrs. Priest -- my administration has gone above & beyond with their support. There hasn't been a moment when I had to put my health on the back burner; they have been so encouraging & willing to stand in the gap for me to ensure I can be back to 100% when I am ready & able.

Top 3 favorite: Scriptures since diagnosis 

My go-to & the reference on my Team Erin bracelets: “Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

This past Wednesday night, a sweet friend, Nicole Arbuckle, prayed Psalm 57 over our Bible study & gracious, it was good... so good. I loved verse 1, "Be gracious to me, God, be gracious to me, for I take refuge in you. I will seek refuge in the shadow of your wings until danger passes." 

Top 3 favorite: funny moments since diagnosis

Meeting Chris Harrison at the FedEx St. Jude Classic & he thought I was a St. Jude patient. I told him that aged me backwards 10+ years so I would gladly take that "compliment" of sorts! 

Elly holds onto my head & we both giggle when she does as I get her dressed in the mornings. :) 

Ryan cracks jokes about my bald head & people legitimately have no idea how to react! Example: "Oh yeah, last time you met her she probably had hair but she definitely doesn't now!" *cue awkward laughter* So funny every time!

Top 3 favorite: lessons learned since diagnosis

Embrace the spontaneity. Random ice cream runs with Elly & Ryan. Living in the moment & not fretting so much over what's next, whether that be a big life change or just a simple monkey wrench thrown in an evening plan. Texting your best friend at 2pm that the Backstreet Boys are in town that night & somehow making the arrangement to go & dance way past your bedtime at the very last minute. Modifying & adjusting in the classroom, on the spot, because lesson plans aren't realistic every single day. Y'all, this idea of spontaneity just never came natural & not to say I'm so great at it now, but I sure am learning that some of the sweetest/best memories live in the unplanned moments. 

Trust Jesus. He is good. He has a plan that rivals no other plan I could make for myself. Know that every single moment in stormy seasons is worth it, is purposeful, & I pray will be used to glorify Him. There is NO way I could walk this walk without Jesus living in me & walking in-step with me. 

Savor the days. I have spent 28 years of life truly sweating the small stuff, as the cliché goes. Cancer sure knows how to strip that away & has served as a reminder these past five months that time is far too short & fleeting to waste my days. This has been the greatest perspective shift I could have ever hoped for & never knew I needed. Gratitude has truly washed over me & fortunately, I will never be the same.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. Therefore my heart rejoices, and I praise Him with my song." Psalm 28:7

All my love from my pink chapter, Erin