#it wasnt really a clean breakup either

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[littlemisschameleon]

.

[sugarless--girl]

Day 7: Disaster — fem!Kuroken

Kuroo was a bit of a disaster around Kenma. The dark-haired girl was terrified that someday she’d slip up and it’d all come crashing down that she had the hots for her childhood friend.

Of course she fucks this up by making out with Kenma at a party. God help her poor soul.

Read on AO3

The party was an absolute disaster and everyone knew it. It wasn’t enough that cops were called half-way through the night, oh no—Kenma had to go and make shitty decisions in her inebriated state of mind. Remind her never to go to a frat party again.

When Kenma first woke up that morning, her hangover was painful enough that it left her cursing god and her dumbass past self. Why was she so stupid? After she finally managed to muster up the strength to sit up—trying not to gag a few times—Kenma looked around for her phone. But something else caught her attention—namely the fact that she was completely topless, no bra in sight. She wasn’t wearing pants either but at least she had her underwear. Small victories. She was also in her room, so she at least had enough sense to get back home.

Did Kenma get lucky last night or had she thrown up all over herself? The latter explanation didn’t account for the missing bra though. God, it was cold in this room. She slowly got out of her bed. Her sense of balance was worse than ever and the thought of even bending down to pick a shirt off the ground felt too much. Kenma just rooted around the closet until she found an oversized t-shirt to wear.

She went to the bathroom to get rid of the taste of alcohol in her mouth.  As Kenma grabbed her toothbrush, she took in her appearance in the mirror. Her hair was a total disaster—something she was not looking forward to fixing. She smelt like alcohol and sweat but the thought of stepping into the shower made her head spin. Her eyes traveled to her neck. It had a huge fucking hickey on it.

Who the fuck—?

Kenma pushed the thought out of her head. She’d have a mental breakdown later. She made her way to the kitchen, hoping to find Kuroo. Her longtime friend was standing at the stove with a look of intense concentration. Before Kenma could step closer, the smell hit her and it made her want to throw up right then and there. Luckily, she clearly threw up everything last night as she just gagged. But it did cause Kuroo to turn her way when she heard Kenma hitting the wall.

“K-Kenma! You’re up!!” She said, as she practically jumped out of her skin.

Her friend’s loud voice would’ve been comforting any other time but Kenma only felt, well, pain stabbing her head. “Kuro…..you’re too loud.”

“Ah, yeah sorry.” Kuroo stared at her oddly (probably staring at the hickey) but Kenma wasn’t in the mood to try and read the other girl’s expression.

“Aren’t you hungover?”

“No.” There was Kuroo’s easy going smile. “I actually watch my limit unlike you. Here, drink some water.”

Kenma took the cup and began sipping it. Drinking water was an ordeal itself. Why did she drink so much again?

“Oh, yeah I saw Shrimpy make out with that scary girlfriend of hers. Weren’t you hanging out with her?”

“Yes.” Kenma muttered mutinously, now remembering why she decided to suddenly torture her liver. Kuroo had ditched her to hang with Bokuto so she decided to find Hinata before the party got too hectic. But it hadn’t taken long for Hinata to get distracted by Kageyama, thus leaving Kenma to her own devices. She hated when her friends did this. Drag her to some random party, made her leave her 3DS behind so she could “socialize” and ditch her halfway through. Kuroo wasn’t too bad with leaving Kenma as the black-haired girl usually knew when Kenma was ready to bail but Hinata—despite being well-meaning—tended to get distracted easily.

God, what even happened last night?

“Uh, so you hungry?” Kenma just glared at Kuroo who laughed at her misery.

“You took me back last night, right?”

“Yeah?” Kuroo said, sounding weirdly hesitant

“Do you remember if I made out with anyone?” Kenma wasn’t the type to make out with strangers—not that she judged people who did, but it was definitely out of character for her. Drunk Kenma was more sleepy and cuddly than horny.

Kuroo stood tense at the stove. Kenma blinked as she tried to make sense of Kuroo’s strange behavior. “Was it—one of your exes or something?” That seemed like the only logical conclusion for the odd atmosphere.

“No, I didn’t see who the person was.” Kuroo muttered.

That explained it. Kuroo was doing her over-protective routine again. “Well, I’m gonna go shower.”

Kuroo whipped to look at Kenma. “Eat something first.”

Kenma grimaced. “After my shower.” She could feel Kuroo’s eyes on her and turned to look at the other girl. Kuroo just looked away.

Weird

Last night was a disaster. Kuroo was a disaster.

How the fuck was she going to live with the knowledge that she made out with her best friend? She was a godless sinner that deserved to be burned at the stake. She took advantage of Kenma when the other girl cuddled up to her. Never mind that Kuroo was just as fucked up as Kenma—she still took advantage of her friend’s trusting nature. Kuroo hadn’t gotten drunk in a while now so last night had been bad. A disaster even.

Kuroo had luckily come to her senses and stumbled drunkenly into the bathroom to throw-up the rest of the alcohol to sober up quicker. Never had she been so thankful for her gag reflexes. Of course, sobering up just made her feel worse.

Not to be dramatic or anything but she totally got why people became raging alcoholics. It was way easier to ignore your feelings when you were drunk out of your minds. But you made stupider decisions so maybe it wasn’t worth it.

Kenma knew something was wrong despite being massively hung-over. When she finally recovered she’d probably ask Kuroo what the hell was going on and Kuroo knew there was no way she’d be able to lie to her face like that. She hadn’t ever been able to lie to Kenma. She was just too perceptive. But the other girl knew when to give Kuroo her space so she hoped that Kenma would let it go this time. That was the only reason she got away with not spilling her guts about her raging lesbian crush on the other girl.

She looked down to her frying pan and sighed. It had turned out slightly overcooked during her self-loathing episode—Kenma wouldn’t mind but Kuroo hated making anything less than perfect for her.

Kenma stepped back into the kitchen, toweling her hair dry. She felt significantly more like a human being after properly cleaning up. Her hair—which initially smelled like someone dumped a shot of vodka all over it—was washed and she no longer felt like that one time where she stayed up three days in a row to finish Dark Souls. She did not finish Dark Souls in those three days as it was rather difficult to react fast when you were sleep-deprived. Who knew?

In the shower, she spent a good deal of time wondering who the hell gave her that hickey. Was it a stranger or was it someone she knew? She contemplated asking Hinata about it but figured going to Kuroo would be the best place to start.

Kenma sat down at the dining table and Kuroo placed an omlette in front of her. She was grateful it looked rather plain as the thought of digesting much else seemed like an ordeal in it of itself. Kuroo watched her as she slowly dug into her meal. Kenma’s stomach was beginning to rebel but she wasn’t about to throw up now.

“Good?” Kuroo asked

“Mmh.” Kenma looked up to see Kuroo staring intently at her nails. “Kuro? Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Ah, I already did.”

Something felt off. “Did you see your ex at the party last night?”

“No? Why are you bringing him up?” Kuroo asked with a frown

Kenma shrugged and continued to eat her breakfast. Kuroo’s breakup had been a messy one but not many people knew the details. Apparently Bokuto knew and that bother Kenma. All she knew, herself, was that it had something to do with her.

“Did you see me with anyone?”

“Well I didn’t see you much in the beginning of the party.”

“But you took me home, right?” Kenma pressed.

“Uh, yeah?”

“You didn’t see me with anyone when you came to take me back?”

Kuroo rubbed her neck. “No…”

Wait…. “Did I have hickey at that time?”

Kuroo looked everywhere but at her. Surely not…

“Kuro, did you give me this hickey?”

To Kenma’s mild horror, tears began welling up in Kuroo’s eyes. “I-I’m so sorry Kenma. I’m really sorry. You can—you can do whatever you want with me. I’m just—“

“Wait, wait, wait…so let me get the events in order: you called a Lyft or something and we went back to our dorm. And then we ended up making out on my bed I’m guessing. And then you got horrified and went to wallow in your room, right?” Everything was starting to finally make sense to Kenma. She always felt as though she were missing something with Kuroo. She knew that a kiss wouldn’t bother Kuroo that much unless it had weight behind it—Kuroo hardly cared about kissing Bokuto after all.

“Yes….” If the kicked puppy look was saying anything, then it was clear that Kuroo expected the worst.

“Kuro….how long have we known each other?”

“I-is this a trick question?”

“No—I mean, why would you expect that I’d get mad?”

“Well because you got mad at Lev…”

“You and I both established Lev is an idiot.” Kenma sighed. “I’m just surprised I didn’t notice this about you.”

“Notice what?” Kuroo asked, slowly looking up at Kenma.

“You liking me.” At that, Kuroo buried her hands in her face and groaned.

“I didn’t want you to notice, that’s why.”

“Why? Because I don’t like you?”

Kuroo mumbled something intelligible in her hands but Kenma had an idea of what she was getting at.

“Kuro….you’re the exception to a lot of my rules. It’s why the thing I’m most surprised about is that I didn’t pick up on your crush.”

“Yeah?” Kuroo asked, peaking up from her hands.

“Yeah.” Kenma smiled, “I notice you all the time.”

Kuroo smiled for what felt like the first time that morning and Kenma’s raging headache didn’t feel as bad as before.

[malafight]

mhhrhrhrhrhrrr okay im gonna cave and... go into a little more detail, i guess. not like, absolute breakdown of everything that happened, but i need to share a little to get it off my chest and some level of context is required to fully understand just how fucked up my therapist was today so im gonna put it behind a cut and uh, go against my Personal Feelings and turn off anon for a little bit to protect myself

this isn’t an attempt at getting attention or garnering sympathy; i wasnt pressured into divulging my Victim Status by anyone. im just an open book as a person, and i need to vent, and on some level i just need the validation that my therapist was wrong and how she treated me today was really fucked up

so i guess, trigger warnings under the cut: rape/sexual assault, victim blaming and probably some gaslighting by an authority figure who is supposed to be trustworthy, click at your own risk, im deeply sorry to anyone on mobile

so, in the clearest of words, i was sexually assaulted when i was 19, by a 24 year old. at least, i think he was 24. i don’t remember. i don’t even remember his last name; he was my first serious boyfriend, and my first sexual encounter, but i don’t remember his god damn last name. up until about a week and a half, two weeks ago, i just set it aside as A Bad But Consensual Experience, because for almost ten years i’ve been telling myself, word for word, that “i did it because i wanted to, not because i had to.” no deviation from those words, like a fucking mantra. i said it to my mom the night it happened and didn’t change it for almost ten fucking years.

i don’t remember much; some sensory details, him shushing me, crying afterwards and him telling me it can just be intense sometimes, mostly just dissociating through the whole thing.

i’ve dissociated through every sexual encounter since, all consensual on my part at least. i was uncomfortable and anxious and even scared around him after that, culminating in an ugly breakup soon after. i stopped using any penetration when masturbating, and didn’t start again until about three years ago, and even then it’s rare -- especially because it’s uncomfortable and often downright painful to get anything inside me now. it was always a little tough/tight, but not painful. only in the context of sexual stuff, though; i can get a super plus tampon in me and the only problem is getting it at the right angle so that it sits comfortably. surprise rape scenes in any media are intensely triggering, as are (stupidly enough) depictions of jasper being a rapist, which i understand is going a bit far in the projection department, but i unfortunately don’t control my brain.

i never understood why i felt broken because of this stuff, why it felt like something bad had happened that i couldn’t remember, until a conversation with a friend put it in a new light and made me realize that it was absolutely possible to be rape even if it was just finger-fucking.

i don’t remember saying no. but i definitely don’t remember saying yes.

i told this to my therapist today and here are some loose recollections of things she said to me, not word for word because somewhere in here my brain just checked the fuck out:

“since you can’t say for sure you ever said no, it’s kind of a gray area” “how can it be rape if it’s just his fingers, when he’s not getting anything out of it?” “it just sounds like you regret it” “why are you just thinking about it now?” “it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that it happened that way” “you should see a doctor to find out if there’s a physical reason for the pain” “i’ll have to do some research into what else might cause the things you’ve said made you feel like that”

when i tried to explain to her that, while i was technically a legal adult, i had been in an abusive household from 11 to 18 and the constant fight-or-flight stunted my development emotionally/mentally/socially, so i didn’t think i even understood that i was allowed to say no, that i didn’t owe him anything, she was just like, “wait, so do you have, like, a disorder?” and i was like “well, i have adhd, which is technically a developmental disorder, but i meant like-” “well adhd doesn’t delay you like that”

and throughout most of the thing she kept saying consulted instead of consented

and im just. so fucking upset. betrayed. and fucking angry. i fear for her past, current, and future patients who might come in with similar stories. and i’m still trying to silence the gremlin in my head that’s telling me i’m making it up, emboldened by the fact that An Authority Person Said So.

the worst part of this is that i have to be in counseling to get my meds, and she’s the only mental health counselor at that location. the only place that i can afford.

god. i feel sick, and fucking dirty, and just wrong all over, and everything from the bellybutton down feels like static right now. my skin feels like there’s something nasty and gritty under it and there’s a sour taste in my mouth.

i want to physically tear into her, tooth and nail, just to stop feeling like this. but instead i called and told her supervisor what she’d done, and her supervisor at least was like “wow, i’m gonna... talk to her i am so sorry.” so, there is that. i’m approaching this like an adult and not a terrified child or an injured animal, at least.

but god i just. i want to cuddle my kitten and sleep forever. i feel awful and i want to die. but i’m not going to. i’m going to take a nap, and clean house, and then go to work tomorrow morning like nothing is wrong. and i’m gonna go to new hampshire next week, and officiate cy and tree’s marriage on halloween, and it’s gonna be fucking awesome. i have a lot to fucking live for and im not going to let some insensitive, victim-blaming bitch be the reason i miss out on it all.

but boy howdy i am not okay right now, either, so im just. gonna take a nap.

sorry for babbling but i. needed to get it off my chest? and i needed to vent. so. here’s too much information, given to a thousand strangers on the internet, after which i have no control over it. i’m desperately hoping this doesn’t go badly, but who fuckin knows.

have a good night xo

[musical-miranda]

That’s What Friends Are For

@hamwriters write-a-thon: femslash day (2)

pairing: phillipa soo x reader

summary: Pippa is reader’s childhood best friend and when reader finally gets out of an unhealthy relationship, she is right there for her through all the tears. 

warnings: swearing, very brief mention of sex, i think that’s all?

words: 2894

a/n: this is going to be a little two part bit of fluff. i was just going to make it into one part, but that was a LOT of writing to finish in one night, so i decided to split it up. i hope you enjoy!!

tags: @bluesnowyangel @hamrevolution

“Luke, I can’t keep doing this!” You snapped as your boyfriend came stumbling through the front door of your shared apartment. It was 1 am and he reeked of alcohol and another woman’s perfume, but you were so exhausted you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

Falling limply into your arms, Luke let out a loud groan from the back of his throat then mumbled a few incoherent words. You grabbed onto him tightly to drag him over to the sofa just a few feet away and tossed him there with a sigh.

“You were supposed to be at a meeting for work,” you hissed at the dark haired man.

His response was much less coherent, but you were able to figure it out through the slurs. “But baby, I was!”

“Don’t fucking lie to me! I have proof right in front of my eyes that you weren’t at a meeting!”

“I was meeting with a friend!” He tried to snap in defense, but he sounded more like a whining seven-year-old.

You shut your eyes and took in a deep breath to stay calm before you responded, then turned your gaze right to Luke who was already half asleep. “Sleep on the couch tonight, I’ll see you in the morning.”

With that, you made your way back to your bedroom and shot a quick text to a friend before laying down.

To: Pippa 1:27 am

He got home safe, but he’s absolutely trashed. Smells like whiskey and cheap perfume. If he wasnt so attractive, i’d’ve punched him in the face 9 times by now.

From: Pippa 1:30 am

Glad he’s home safe, but you deserve better babe. You need to end it.

To: Pippa 1:31 am

But I love him, pips.

From: Pippa 1:33 am

You love having a partner

To: Pippa 1:34 am

I can fix things with him, sober him up, clean up his act.

From: Pippa 1:37 am

It’s unhealthy babe, you need to end it asap.

From: Pippa 1:43 am

Good night. Please remember that you and your health should always come 1st.

To: Pippa 1:44am

I love you, good night.

When you woke the next morning to loud snoring, you saw Luke sprawled out on the floor by your bed. It looked like he had tried to get onto the bed during the night, but his intoxication made it damn near impossible.

You decided to make yourself a quick breakfast before you woke him up, so you popped a bagel into the toaster and poured yourself a glass of orange juice. While you waited for the bagel, you hummed softly to yourself and got the cream cheese out of the refrigerator.

During your brief breakfast, you thought deeply about the conversation you had with your best friend the night before. You knew she was right that you had to end things, but a small part of you was whispering that you would regret leaving him.

Luke always insisted he had business meetings or had to work late, when it was clear as day that he was out drinking with friends. If you were to guess, he was probably visiting a strip club every other night and finding a quick fuck in the bathroom of a bar every other night.

You knew you needed to confront him, so after you finished your breakfast and got dressed, you went back to your bedroom and tried to shake the snoring man awake.

You tried this for a few minutes to no avail before you decided to fill a cup with cold water and throw it on him. Sure enough, his eyes shot open and he sat up straight, whacking his head on the nightstand he was underneath.

“Fuck!” He shouted, trying to shake himself dry like a dog.

“Good morning, sunshine,” you greeted bitterly.

“What the hell was that for?!” Luke rubbed the back of his head and groaned.

“You wouldn’t wake up.”

“And why did I need to wake up?”

You just chuckled softly and ran your fingers through your hair. “Because we really need to talk.”

“Talk?” He gaped at you. “What do you mean talk?”

“I mean…” You took a seat on the bed. “This relationship isn’t working out for me, Luke.”

Luke quirked an inquisitive eyebrow. It was like he was taunting you.

“You’re coming home drunk and high as a kite every other night. You’re clearly having sex with other women. And when you aren’t doing either of those things, we’re fighting. I really can’t be in this type of a relationship.”

“It isn’t every other night! And you signed up for it, you made the relationship official.”

“I didn’t ask for any of this! It wasn’t supposed to happen like this; I trusted you, I loved you, but you changed!” You were shouting at this point.

His voice raised along with yours. “Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

“I want you to clean up your act!”

“I enjoy partying, Y/N. I’m not gonna stop for some silly girl. But I will gladly leave.” Luke’s voice pierced your typically thick skin like venom as he pressed your buttons.

“Well then get the hell out of my apartment!” You finally yelled at him, your voice shaky as you held back tears. “Go on now, leave! See if I care!”

As he started pulling his suitcases out, you pursed your lips and tried to calm yourself down. There were a few minutes of silence, so you spoke up again. “Frankly, I couldn’t care less, Luke.”

“Oh, you’re gonna regret this decision,” he spat before yanking drawers open to throw his clothing out.

“I really don’t think I will. The only thing I’ll regret is not doing it sooner.” You took in a deep breath. “I’m going out with a friend, and I want you gone by noon. I don’t want a single trace of you in this place when I get back. Leave your key on the counter.”

The moment you finished your sentence, you walked out of the room and rang your best friend as you slipped on your shoes.

Three short rings later, you heard her voice through the phone. “Y/N babe! Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, everything’s good Pip! I just kicked Luke out and he has two hours to clear his things out of my apartment.” You laughed shortly. “Are you free to go out somewhere? I don’t want to be around while he’s packing his stuff.”

You could hear the smile on her face through the phone as she spoke, and that itself had you grinning like an idiot. “I’ll meet you at the Starbucks by your apartment building in five?”

“I’ll see you there.” You paused for a second. “Thank you.”

“That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Of course. Love you, see you in five.”

“Love you too, Y/N.”

You slipped your phone back into the pocket of your skinny jeans once the line went dead then walked out of the front door and left the apartment building.

The Starbucks you always met Pippa at was just at the end of your block on the corner, so you were inside the building within two minutes, tugging your coat closer to your skin to keep warm.

Just as you got in line, the bell on the door rang as it swung open and Pippa had her arms wrapped around your waist from the side. She nuzzled her face into your shoulder when you wrapped your arms around her in a tight hug, resting your head against hers for just a second.

“How are you doing? Alright, I hope?” Pippa asked, her voice tender as ever.

“I’m fine, I promise,” you insisted with a quiet laugh, squeezing her once before breaking away from the hug.

“Okay, okay. I just worry about you.” Her eyes crinkled up in a fond smile. “Do you know what you’re getting?”

Your stare at the menu was rather intense while you tried to decide what you were getting. “A Frappuccino of some sort… It’s between chocolate chip, caramel crunch, that cotton candy one, and a lemon one.”

Pippa pulled you out of the line with a gentle chuckle to give you time to decide on a drink. Decisions had never exactly been your strong suit, which is probably how you ended up where you were; sometimes you wished people would just make these decisions for you.

It took close to fifteen minutes of silent contemplation for you to decide on a drink and by that time, the line was gone. You went straight up to the counter with Pippa and ordered your Cotton Candy Frappuccino, pulling your wallet from your purse.

Before you could even take your cash out of your wallet, Phillipa was swiping her card to pay for both drinks. “Pips, you didn’t have to-”

“You just broke up with your boyfriend.” She interrupted with a laugh. “Let me pay for your drink. You don’t have to pay me back.”

You couldn’t argue with that.

“Y’know...” Pippa started while you waited. “I never understood what you saw in him.”

“Honestly? He was really good in bed. And those arms… God, those arms could do things to me.”

Both of you immediately burst into a fit of laughter that filled the small coffee shop. “That’s an awful reason to stay with somebody! He was a total dick!”

“Oh my god he was such a dick! Like, if you look up “fuckboy” on Urban Dictionary, I’m pretty sure his photo comes up.” You threw your head back laughing. “Even his name screams stay away! I was pretty dumb to get into it.”

When your names were called for the drinks, you grabbed yours and took a sip. “Should we walk and talk or sit and talk?”

Pippa thought for a few seconds then swallowed a sip of her drink before she answered. “Walk and talk.”

“At least I knew the breakup was coming,” you pointed out as you walked out of the Starbucks, flicking your eyes between the sidewalk and Pippa.

“That’s true. What were you together, a year?”

“Just over. Remember, we met at a New Year’s Party and went home together. That should’ve been my first sign not to get involved.”

“You should never get involved with a hookup. It never ends well.”

You just chuckled at this, offering a warm smile to her. “Thank you, by the way.”

She raised a confused eyebrow but smiled anyways. “For what?”

“For being such a good friend. Convincing me to break it off finally. I know I should have done it sooner, but I’m just glad I did.”

Pippa reached over to give you a side hug, her free hand resting on your waist for just a few seconds, but long enough for you to realize how perfectly her hand fit. It just felt right. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

“That’s what friends are for.”

Over the next three weeks, you and Pippa were practically inseparable. If she wasn’t hanging out at your apartment, you were at hers watching a movie, playing a game, or just sitting on the couch with her.

It would be an understatement to say this was the closest you’d ever been with your childhood best friend, and you couldn’t find one thing to complain about.

Whenever you even mentioned a sad thought, she rushed to your side with a pint of ice cream and her copy of Titanic. You could not have asked for a better friend.

Everything was going wonderfully until you checked your calendar one day to see when your period was due. You knew it had to be soon, it felt like it’d been close to a month since your last one, so you wanted to be prepared.

When you looked at your calendar, you saw that you were 9 days late. Your immediate reaction was to google possible causes of a late period other than the obvious. But you didn’t fit the bill for any of them.

To: Pippa 2:17 pm

SOS!!!!

To: Pippa 2:18pm

I’m panicking. my period is 9 days late.

From: Pippa 2:19pm

Oh my god!! I’ll be over asap with some pregnancy tests, okay??

From: Pippa 2:21pm

Don’t panic, it’s gonna be alright!!

For the next ten minutes, you paced around your small apartment anxiously with tears in your eyes. You weren’t ready for a baby. There was no way you could be a single mother living in a New York City apartment. Your job barely paid enough to cover rent, let alone everything you would need for a child.

Pippa bursting through your front door and yelling out ripped you from your thoughts. “Go, take them all right now!” She tossed a bag with a few pregnancy tests in them at you and you caught them, scurrying off to the bathroom.

The five minutes you spent with Pippa waiting for the test results were the longest five minutes of your life. You rambled on that entire time about how scared you were, but she assured you that no matter the results, she would be there to help you. It was a comforting thought, but not strong enough to overpower your fear.

When the timer rang, signaling the end of the five minutes, your stomach dropped and your head started spinning from fear. You didn’t want to look at the tests. Your entire future was sitting on a paper towel in your kitchen and you didn’t want to know what it would be.

“You look first, Pippa. I’m too scared.” Your voice shook and you shut your eyes.

You could tell when she looked at the tests because she took in an audibly sharp gasp. Your heart was pounding in your chest; her reaction almost guaranteed the answer.

Hesitantly, you fluttered your eyes open and dropped your gaze to the tests in front of you. All three had plus signs on them.

“Oh,” you breathed out, swallowing thickly and trying to keep your cool.

“You’re… You’re pregnant, Y/N,” Pippa whispered.

When reality struck, you fell to the ground and let out a loud sob, tears quickly streaming down your face as you clutched onto the carpet. Phillipa immediately rushed over and wrapped her arms around you gently, pulling you into her warm embrace.

She stroked your hair slowly to calm you down as much as she could and instead of the carpet, you now had her shirt balled up in your fist as you sobbed. You tried to speak, but as sobs caught in your throat, you just buried your head in your best friend’s chest.

“I’m here for you, no matter what happens,” Pippa whispered in your ear, rocking you back and forth in a soothing motion. “I’ll support you no matter what.”

Several shaky breaths later, you finally managed some words. “I-I’ll need time. To know what I’m gonna do. Would… Would it be crazy to have a baby? I b-barely have a stable job.” You sniffled and looked up at her with red eyes.

“Not crazy, no. It would be difficult, I’m sure, but if you want to keep the baby, then I’ll help you in any way I can. If it comes down to it, I’ll move in with you to help support you.” Her fingers running through your hair helped calm your panic further. You leaned into her touch and listened.

“I’ll do anything to help you. Literally. But something we should do now is schedule a doctor’s appointment to get you checked out.” Pippa let her hand slip into yours.

You laced your fingers with her long ones and looked up at her once your sobs had calmed, breathing out a soft laugh. “There’s a little person in me, Pippa, a small human. And it’s all mine. My god, I’m not prepared for motherhood. I’m a single twenty-two-year-old, living off of ramen noodles in a one bedroom apartment.”

“Maybe not, but are we ever truly prepared for anything in life?” She questioned, looking into your eyes. For the first time, you noticed a bit of a twinkle in her brown eyes as she spoke and, for a reason you couldn’t quite establish, that small detail put a smile on your face.

“I guess not, huh? Some of the best things in life are unexpected.” Your thumb rubbed across the back of your best friend’s hand gently. “And I have nine months to prepare for this.”

“We have nine months to prepare for this.” She was quick to correct you which made you laugh, softly. “You will not be doing this alone, Y/N. I won’t let you. I don’t care if you pay a hitman to off me, my ghost will come back to help you in every way possible.”

“You are, without a doubt, the best human ever to grace this planet. Earth should feel honored to have your presence.”

Pippa just squeezed your hand gently and crinkled up her eyes in a smile that spread from ear to ear. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

As you leaned up to press a kiss to her cheek, you whispered, “That’s what friends are for.”

[rainwoman-world]

My dreams

My dreams have been all over the place.

Three nights in a row, I dreamt about dating my ex and asking to have him back. Qhen he pissed me off the other night, I had an interesting dream, that i wont get into to. Laat night, i dreamy about apologizing to him for making him feel like he wanted to die.

There was something he said to me not to long ago, or smth he said in general. Like i never cared about it?

I literally hate it when he says that, cause like i did care about him, he was literally my world and i did love him with all my heart, until he started ignoring me and not telling me why. I mean, hell, i gave him my first kiss! That's really hella important to me. Dont you hate it when the people you cared about the most say you never cared about them? Thats one of the worse things to me, because its like, hellooo! I loved you so much, i cared about you for so long, I stayed here when you had an anxoety attack, I was here when you cried, I was always trying to be there for you. Some guys just dont get it.

Like i know i became a bitch to him, but thats because he shattered my heart when i poured it out to him and his reaction was idk, it just broke me, and i snapped. I dont think i ever did that to a person but the thing is...

What I wrote meant so much to me, all my feelings were there, all i felt for him, how i fucked up, how i loved him, how I'll always have some feelings for him no matter what because its hard to not have feelings for someone you were with for seven months no matter what happens. And then his reaction was "idk".

I have no idea why that made me snap, maybe because i poured my heart out to this dude and he gave me three letters back? I mean, that kinda was an asshole move...

Do you ever love someone with all your heart and soul then they accuse you of you never loving them? Because if that has happened to you, then same.

And he said i was never there for him i was there for me, NO, because when i was in denial after the breakup, i wouldve been fine not talking to him but i stayed because i wanted to make sure he was okay. I always wanted to make sure hes okay, because hes a good person and I loved him.

Exs are so weird right? I mean the guy exs are weird too sometimes. Or exs that accuse you of never caring or never loving them? Like wow, okay. It just ruffles my feathers a bit like big oof-

You know, he said dating me was a living hell, but last night i talked to a friend and they said he probably didnt mean that, and that he was just mad at me too in the moment.

I know dating me wasnt a living hell, so i know he didnt mean that. And i know he did love dating me until we broke up.

Because he's like, out of all the relationships I've had, that was probably the best one, i dont know if he'd say the same though.

You know, when i broke up with him, i never meant to hurt him, but in a breakup someone is always bound to get hurt.

I didnt wanna talk to him about what was going on in my head, and thats why everything ended. But i know to be more communication savvy in my next relationship, so I'm glad for that.

Im like 85% over him, and looking back at everything that has happened, i realized, this breakup was woahhhh. I mean i was an asshole after but he was a bit more of an asshole, ill take like 40% of being an asshole and he was the other 60-

Im joking haha, but its a breakup? What can you do? Not all break ups are gonna be clean, right? This whole experience was fun, and i learned how mean i could be to a person which was... WOW i fucking snapped and it was nice to be mean for one instesd of nice and holding it in, its just i was rude to the wrong person.

But he was mean back so, even now?

Sometimes i look at his tumblr posts *cough*EMOTIONAL SELF HARM*cough* yes i know the signs.

And i see things like "I know we broke up/you'll find someone else to love but fuck i think youre mine" which he said about me.

I wonder what happened to that.

But like i said in one of my earlier posts, he lost feelings because i made him feel like an asshole, but...

If you really love someone... I really dont think he'd get over me that quickly despite what happened.

So there's something I dont know, either he never really loved me or hes not completely over me.

I realized what animal I'm like. Im like a dog.

Im an energetic moody motherfucker sometimes, so like a kinda moody dog, but the right affection and love will make me feel amazing! Also the random bursts of energy i get sometimes are kinda like a dog haha. But mostly... Because im loyal. Thats how i am, im loyal, and getting rid of me, is like getting rid of a dog.

The dog always wonders what it did wrong, why it wasnt good enough, how is it's owner/person doing, because it still cares and its loyal to what it has loved.

I figured out my animal yay!

I think thats all for this morning haha.

I had a lot to say, you know. I think imma write about my ex often because there is soooooo much i had to say in the past i never got to say and this is my chance! So yeah!

Have a good day/night everyone!

[aqueeragenderaway]

Journal post, please dont read this i just hate writing things on my phones memo pad

Seriously please just scroll past. Especially if weve ever dated, met irl, or you are using a computer or phone to scroll through tumblr, please respect me and dont read this. Breakups are hard. They work like the stages of grief, and work differently for both parties, which means maintaining a friendship afterwards is extra hard. At firat, theres the denial (for the dumper, its before the break up). Surely all that relationship cant be over, right? Then comes the self-hatred, the depression stage. How could i date them? How could i hurt him? How could i let her hurt me? You begin to bargain with yourself, too. "Ill talk to them again, but only a little, and i wont respond to anything involving our old relationship." "I'll keep wearing this ne klace they gave me, let it remind me of what ive lost." "Ill keep the rings for now. Who knows, if i fix myaelf up, maybe ill get another chance." Back in high school, this stage probably embarrassed a few of us, especially if we thought that "holding the radio up while playing our song" thing wasnt creepy as HELL. Evebtually those self-deals fall through, and the illusion of good you had about your partber wears off as you can no longer use the salve of denial and infatuation to soothe the burns. Anger starts boiling up, abd you lose any semblance of forgiveness with them-- "because that forgiveness is what allowed you to get hurt!" You tell yourself (or are told by your friends). You begin to sense the full scale of the damage they did, and you finally let go of the idea that it was all your fault. Now, its all theirs. I hate this part, be ause we all know its bullshit. No relationship that exists exists only because of one person. Codependency takes two to form, and two to feed. Maintaining a friendship after requires allowing yourself to forgive, to say "what happened, happened, and i cant change that. But i wont let it control me. I refuse to let it affect every or even any aspect of my life, to the best of my ability. I am moving forward." (Note: forgiveness does NOT mean pretending it never happened, or wiping the slate clean, and if you think it does, please never talk to abuse victims). That part can be really, really hard to get to. Maybe your partner was really, really shitty, and left some wounds that are still healing. Maybe your partner is still hurting you, calling you at 4 in the morning promising theyve stopped drinking. Maybe you are atill so angry at yourself that you didnt stop her from raping you while you house sat.... My point is, sometimes, it still hurts, so much. And you want to get revenge, to hurt them back before they get the chance to hurt you again, and so you snap at them, or talk shit behind their back. Maybe you write a burn book, or trash their stuff, set it on fire, etc. Revenge is so easy to chase, such a low hanging fruit. Why not burn that bridge. Ive burned a lot of bridges, happily. But then again, the bridges ive burned fastest were those of people forcing me to have sex with them (SS, SB, AE) or cheating on me (BP, AC, YK), or beating me (SB, AE), or just plain being bigoted assholes (MN, SB, J). Im used to defending myaelf from pain by cutting contact off from that source of hurt. What im not used to is wanting to stay in touch. Its happened before. Hell, it happened with someone on the list above; we made amends, fixed our issues, and are once again friends. But its just so.... rare. How can i be friends when they need to hate me to heal, when they need to hate me to protect tyemselves from people who do what i did? How can i be friends with someone who couldnt communicate their needs to me before? Why do i think we could communicate well now, if we couldnt then? And even if we could, whose to say we will, instead of making assumptions and then getting defensive, or worse, jumping preemptively to the offense because we went down that road before and MUST be going down that same road now? Maybe we just need some time. Luckily, thats the only resource ill always have for the rest of my life. I am glad to be past the "only self hate" part, though. To know that i am allowed to move forward, rather than drown myself in my own mistakes.... that was hard to do, too. Again, thanks for not reading. If you read this, either forget it or may your worst nightmares end. No seriously if you read it you suck and i hate you but also please less nightmares for you. For all of us. Theres enough pain and fear as it is.

[viralhottopics]

How to lose your gut, according to 6 regular guys

(images courtesy Mark Warnke/Men’s Health)

The following men not only wanted to shape up, they took action and made their ambitions a reality. 

Take a look at how they shifted their habits to improve their lives for years to come.

How Christopher Jacob lost 38 pounds in 4 years

After his wife had a heart attack in 2012 at age 45, Christopher Jacob knew they both had to make a change. 

The father of three from Saudi Arabia had high cholesterol, and feared he was on a similar path.

Jacob and his wife both vowed to take shaping up seriously to ensure they would be around to support their kids for decades to come. 

Despite a work schedule packed with travel as a director of human resources, Jacob made exercise a priority. While traveling, he would pick out his hotels based on the workout facilities, searching for options with either a pool to swim in or a gym to lift in. 

Jacob would also follow along with fat-loss workout videos from Mens Health Fitness Director BJ Gaddour, C.S.C.S., to add variety and blast calories. (Gaddour just launched his newest and most intense fat-burning workout program ever with Mens Health, MetaShred Extreme.)

He also reigned in his calorie count to about 1,500 to 2,000 per day, using the app MyFitnessPal to track his intake. On days when he overdid it, he worked off the extra calories at the gym.

The 44 year old got off his cholesterol medication in January 2015 and has been off it ever since. The same motivating factor that pushed him to take action in the first place continues to drive him to keep the weight off today: His kids. 

I am a family man, Jacob says. And I would like to see my kids grow, influence them in any means possible, and have an impact on their livesso that when the time comes to let them go, I know that I have taught them well. 

How Ted Gibson lost 45 pounds in 6 months

The sexiest women in the world want Ted Gibson. Angelina Jolie, Jessica Chastain, Anne Hathaway, and other A-listers line up for himfor haircuts, at a price of $1,500 a pop. 

Related: The 100 Hottest Women Of All Time

But while New Yorks top hairstylist was busy growing his salon empire, his girth grew too.

I just wasnt exercising as much as I had been before, says Gibson, 50. And the weight slowly crept on. 

As a 64, 200-pound ultralean bodybuilder in the early 1990s, Gibson had always been a naturally big, muscular guy. 

But last January I hit 280, he says. I had less energy and my back hurt. I wanted to look amazing for my impending 50th birthday. 

So Mens Health paired Gibson with Vinny Brandstadter of Peak Performance, a New York City gym just around the corner from his salon, and Mens Health nutrition advisor Mike Roussell, Ph.D. 

Roussell worked to sneak healthy tweaks into Gibsons diet that wouldnt affect his overall lifestyle. He helped Gibson find healthy meals at each of the restaurants where his staff orders lunch every day. 

Along with making key changes to his diet, Gibson hit the gym three days a week. Gibson did aerobic intervals that built his endurance and hour-long circuits that burned between 500 to 700 calories.  

Related: The Lifting Technique That Flattens Your Belly

He admits he was nervous to not be the big guy anymore. 

But Im now at 235 pounds, says Gibson. This is the best Ive felt in a long time. I have a lot more energy, my back doesnt hurt, and Im getting a lot of compliments. 

How Yosef Herzog lost 50 pounds in 5 months

Yosef Herzog played sports in high school and college. But once he graduated, his structured workouts fell apart. Aside from intramural sports and some pickup basketball games in Manhattan, he rarely stepped foot in the gym.

The weight crept up on him. At 231 pounds, he began experiencing back pain and was out of breath after tying his shoes. 

After trying to develop healthier habits and losing motivation after a couple weeks, Herzog signed up for the gym at his office.

His evaluation session didnt seem that tough: Lunges, planks, and pushups. But 20 minutes in, Herzog lost his lunchtwice.

I wouldnt say I was in Chris Farley territory, but I was definitely in bad shape, says Herzog. 

He began alternating cardio and strength training, six days a week. 

Herzog also cleaned up his diet. He swapped oatmeal in for his usual breakfast bagel, salad in for subs, and Mexican-style chicken and beans in for burgers. 

In less than half a year, he weighed 181 pounds and needed new clothes. The fitter I got, he says, the more confident I felt.

How Bryan Hodgins lost 190 pounds in 2 years

From age 2, Bryan Hodgins had been overweightbut a lot changed for him at 17, when he got a job at a local grocery store. 

Hodgins started in the heat of August 2014walking over a mile to get to the store where hed push carts and help customers pack their groceries. He weighed about 380 pounds at the time.

Related: Why Some People Sweat More Than Others

At first, Hodgins didnt think those 7-hour shifts had any impact on his body.

I didnt notice any difference, he says. I had family and people I work with, over the course of a year and a half that I was [at the store], tell me, Youve lost weight. And you know, I never believed them.

A little less than a year later after he started working at the grocery store, he was helping his family move and weigh metal at a scrap yard. On a whim, Hodgins decided to hop on one of the scalesand was floored by the result. 

I can still remember the number as clear as day as being 247 pounds, Hodgins says.

He had lost about 140 pounds.

Even though the weight loss was accidental, the significant amount of pounds hed dropped really began to sink in. 

When you see a number that low, from what youve started at, you get a sense of accomplishment, he says. And so I tried eating better. 

Hodgins began incorporating more protein-rich foods like chicken and eggs and eliminating packaged sweets and salty snacks.

He also started working out with a friend from work. 

They made me do mountain-climbers and pushups and situps, Hodgins says. They kicked my ass when it came down to it.

Now down to 190 pounds, Hodgins is studying to be a paramedic. He hopes to eventually enlist as a combat medical technician in the armed forces. 

How Mark Warnke lost 53 pounds in 4 months

Mark Warnke had just booked tickets to propose to his girlfriend on the beach when she ended the relationship. 

Warnke was devastated. But in the aftermath of his breakup, he decided it was the perfect time to take control of his life. 

He started in the kitchen.

Warnke switched out his frozen meals and canned soups with chicken breast and fresh vegetables that he could throw on the grill Sunday night and eat for the rest of the week.    

In the past, Warnke had tried trends like cutting carbs and diet pills, but nothing worked better than eating whole foods. 

He also started doing bodyweight workouts on the Mens Health website.

Soon Warnke was able to put his heartburn medication away and after only a month of his new training regimen, Warnke had to go out and buy all new pants.

He was down 53 pounds total four months after the breakup. 

But if you ask Warnke, he didnt lose the weight to spite his ex-girlfriend.

It wasnt an, Im going to show her, he says. It was an Im going to be the best person I can be.

How Jake Galicia lost 86 pounds in 2.5 years

When Jake Galicias blood test results came in, he was shocked to find out he had high blood sugar and lipid levels. At 29, Galicia thought he was too young to be on the borderline for metabolic diseases like diabetes.

Galicia had always been on the heavier sideat the time he was 247 poundsbut the new father could not stand the idea that his condition might someday stop him from watching his toddler grow up. 

In February 2012, Galicia started a low-carb diet full of protein and vegetables.

Despite working sporadic shifts at an insurance company, Galicia made it a priority to squeeze in workouts.

Galicia would exercise anytime between the early morning and midnight, depending on when his shift fell that daybut he always made time. 

Initially hed hit the gym to run on the treadmill or complete circuit workouts. But as the fat began melting off, he started incorporating strength training into his workouts to gain muscle. 

And those odd hours at the gym were well spent. Galicia eventually shed 10 inches from his waist.

Now 33 years old, he says perseverance was key to his weight-loss success.

No matter how hard it may seem, you have to finish your workout, he says. This is how your body exceeds its known limits, preparing you to face more difficult physical tasks.

This article originally appeared on MensHealth.com.

Read more: http://fxn.ws/2hNBcrV

from How to lose your gut, according to 6 regular guys

[viralhottopics]

How to lose your gut, according to 6 regular guys

(images courtesy Mark Warnke/Men’s Health)

The following men not only wanted to shape up, they took action and made their ambitions a reality. 

Take a look at how they shifted their habits to improve their lives for years to come.

How Christopher Jacob lost 38 pounds in 4 years

After his wife had a heart attack in 2012 at age 45, Christopher Jacob knew they both had to make a change. 

The father of three from Saudi Arabia had high cholesterol, and feared he was on a similar path.

Jacob and his wife both vowed to take shaping up seriously to ensure they would be around to support their kids for decades to come. 

Despite a work schedule packed with travel as a director of human resources, Jacob made exercise a priority. While traveling, he would pick out his hotels based on the workout facilities, searching for options with either a pool to swim in or a gym to lift in. 

Jacob would also follow along with fat-loss workout videos from Mens Health Fitness Director BJ Gaddour, C.S.C.S., to add variety and blast calories. (Gaddour just launched his newest and most intense fat-burning workout program ever with Mens Health, MetaShred Extreme.)

He also reigned in his calorie count to about 1,500 to 2,000 per day, using the app MyFitnessPal to track his intake. On days when he overdid it, he worked off the extra calories at the gym.

The 44 year old got off his cholesterol medication in January 2015 and has been off it ever since. The same motivating factor that pushed him to take action in the first place continues to drive him to keep the weight off today: His kids. 

I am a family man, Jacob says. And I would like to see my kids grow, influence them in any means possible, and have an impact on their livesso that when the time comes to let them go, I know that I have taught them well. 

How Ted Gibson lost 45 pounds in 6 months

The sexiest women in the world want Ted Gibson. Angelina Jolie, Jessica Chastain, Anne Hathaway, and other A-listers line up for himfor haircuts, at a price of $1,500 a pop. 

Related: The 100 Hottest Women Of All Time

But while New Yorks top hairstylist was busy growing his salon empire, his girth grew too.

I just wasnt exercising as much as I had been before, says Gibson, 50. And the weight slowly crept on. 

As a 64, 200-pound ultralean bodybuilder in the early 1990s, Gibson had always been a naturally big, muscular guy. 

But last January I hit 280, he says. I had less energy and my back hurt. I wanted to look amazing for my impending 50th birthday. 

So Mens Health paired Gibson with Vinny Brandstadter of Peak Performance, a New York City gym just around the corner from his salon, and Mens Health nutrition advisor Mike Roussell, Ph.D. 

Roussell worked to sneak healthy tweaks into Gibsons diet that wouldnt affect his overall lifestyle. He helped Gibson find healthy meals at each of the restaurants where his staff orders lunch every day. 

Along with making key changes to his diet, Gibson hit the gym three days a week. Gibson did aerobic intervals that built his endurance and hour-long circuits that burned between 500 to 700 calories.  

Related: The Lifting Technique That Flattens Your Belly

He admits he was nervous to not be the big guy anymore. 

But Im now at 235 pounds, says Gibson. This is the best Ive felt in a long time. I have a lot more energy, my back doesnt hurt, and Im getting a lot of compliments. 

How Yosef Herzog lost 50 pounds in 5 months

Yosef Herzog played sports in high school and college. But once he graduated, his structured workouts fell apart. Aside from intramural sports and some pickup basketball games in Manhattan, he rarely stepped foot in the gym.

The weight crept up on him. At 231 pounds, he began experiencing back pain and was out of breath after tying his shoes. 

After trying to develop healthier habits and losing motivation after a couple weeks, Herzog signed up for the gym at his office.

His evaluation session didnt seem that tough: Lunges, planks, and pushups. But 20 minutes in, Herzog lost his lunchtwice.

I wouldnt say I was in Chris Farley territory, but I was definitely in bad shape, says Herzog. 

He began alternating cardio and strength training, six days a week. 

Herzog also cleaned up his diet. He swapped oatmeal in for his usual breakfast bagel, salad in for subs, and Mexican-style chicken and beans in for burgers. 

In less than half a year, he weighed 181 pounds and needed new clothes. The fitter I got, he says, the more confident I felt.

How Bryan Hodgins lost 190 pounds in 2 years

From age 2, Bryan Hodgins had been overweightbut a lot changed for him at 17, when he got a job at a local grocery store. 

Hodgins started in the heat of August 2014walking over a mile to get to the store where hed push carts and help customers pack their groceries. He weighed about 380 pounds at the time.

Related: Why Some People Sweat More Than Others

At first, Hodgins didnt think those 7-hour shifts had any impact on his body.

I didnt notice any difference, he says. I had family and people I work with, over the course of a year and a half that I was [at the store], tell me, Youve lost weight. And you know, I never believed them.

A little less than a year later after he started working at the grocery store, he was helping his family move and weigh metal at a scrap yard. On a whim, Hodgins decided to hop on one of the scalesand was floored by the result. 

I can still remember the number as clear as day as being 247 pounds, Hodgins says.

He had lost about 140 pounds.

Even though the weight loss was accidental, the significant amount of pounds hed dropped really began to sink in. 

When you see a number that low, from what youve started at, you get a sense of accomplishment, he says. And so I tried eating better. 

Hodgins began incorporating more protein-rich foods like chicken and eggs and eliminating packaged sweets and salty snacks.

He also started working out with a friend from work. 

They made me do mountain-climbers and pushups and situps, Hodgins says. They kicked my ass when it came down to it.

Now down to 190 pounds, Hodgins is studying to be a paramedic. He hopes to eventually enlist as a combat medical technician in the armed forces. 

How Mark Warnke lost 53 pounds in 4 months

Mark Warnke had just booked tickets to propose to his girlfriend on the beach when she ended the relationship. 

Warnke was devastated. But in the aftermath of his breakup, he decided it was the perfect time to take control of his life. 

He started in the kitchen.

Warnke switched out his frozen meals and canned soups with chicken breast and fresh vegetables that he could throw on the grill Sunday night and eat for the rest of the week.    

In the past, Warnke had tried trends like cutting carbs and diet pills, but nothing worked better than eating whole foods. 

He also started doing bodyweight workouts on the Mens Health website.

Soon Warnke was able to put his heartburn medication away and after only a month of his new training regimen, Warnke had to go out and buy all new pants.

He was down 53 pounds total four months after the breakup. 

But if you ask Warnke, he didnt lose the weight to spite his ex-girlfriend.

It wasnt an, Im going to show her, he says. It was an Im going to be the best person I can be.

How Jake Galicia lost 86 pounds in 2.5 years

When Jake Galicias blood test results came in, he was shocked to find out he had high blood sugar and lipid levels. At 29, Galicia thought he was too young to be on the borderline for metabolic diseases like diabetes.

Galicia had always been on the heavier sideat the time he was 247 poundsbut the new father could not stand the idea that his condition might someday stop him from watching his toddler grow up. 

In February 2012, Galicia started a low-carb diet full of protein and vegetables.

Despite working sporadic shifts at an insurance company, Galicia made it a priority to squeeze in workouts.

Galicia would exercise anytime between the early morning and midnight, depending on when his shift fell that daybut he always made time. 

Initially hed hit the gym to run on the treadmill or complete circuit workouts. But as the fat began melting off, he started incorporating strength training into his workouts to gain muscle. 

And those odd hours at the gym were well spent. Galicia eventually shed 10 inches from his waist.

Now 33 years old, he says perseverance was key to his weight-loss success.

No matter how hard it may seem, you have to finish your workout, he says. This is how your body exceeds its known limits, preparing you to face more difficult physical tasks.

This article originally appeared on MensHealth.com.

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