#but for some reason im mad at myself for letting it bc idk why??? just ugh. this is awful.

[anotherpapercut]

working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do

[flowersbark]

Holy shit. Okay. Hi. I’m also a csa survivor. I’m legit so desperate for anything sort of recognition on this issue I’ve been having for almost 2 years now. https://www.tumblr.com/flowersbark/740288973409288192/fellas-is-it-a-proship-to-project-cocsacsa-on

It relates to this post, except I am going to get EXTRA personal on this.

Tw for r//pe, gr///ming, Self-h//rm, and csa (obvsly)

Okay so I also really really reallyyy don’t like proshippers, I am hypersexual, and I have zero access to any sort of help atp in my life. Now that I have those things out of the way right now, I am essentially in a dilemma a lot like that post. One major problem, it’s not me JUST wanting to project, it’s me wanting to BE in that spot of the victim again for some reason. And I mean like srsly getting assaulted again and all that horrible stuff. Like, i THINK these ideas, thoughts, and urges I have are called “intrusive thoughts”?? But I’m not sure. I’m disturbed by them regardless.

This has been so frustrating to deal with bc first of all, I’m not a victim to gr//ming, second, yes, I am a victim of csa at a young age, and third, I find myself having some sort of YEARNING to be hurt in such a way. (Not cocsacsa, just to not let things get mixed up btw) I have looked around on the internet for so long about this issue and I find NOTHING on it, like, am I just going crazy? Am I trying to cope with it in the worst way possible? Like, I genuinely don’t know, and it drives me mad because on one hand, I have this massive theory that it’s a mental attempt of “self- h//rm”, and then on the other hand, it’s a bizarre extreme version of yearning for touch and affection, but I’m just so unsure because I can’t find any other personal accounts of anyone else!

I acknowledge that your post wasn’t about this oddly specifc scenario, and I’m so sorry that this is so out of pocket, and possibly even counterproductive (idk) but as another csa victim, would you be able to offer some sort of insight? Is that something I can even ask for on here? It’s okay if you can’t, or don’t want to, I fully understand if I just never see a response to this. I really hope things get better for you and that you’re a having at the very least, a decent day regardless. Thank you.

Also p.s., sorry for not being able to answer that question, I myself am also uncertain on a definite answer for that. Like, the most I can say is that I think it’s okay to explore unhealthy dynamics, so long as they’re both acknowledged as bad/unhealthy/traumatizing things, and not put out to the public since people can take/look at things and get weird and nasty🤢 (so generally just used in a private and secure setting)

HI !!! uhh

first off, yes you can ask for advice, insight, anything. thats why i made this blog, other than to just vent to strangers. second, thank you for giving me your opinion on the csa proship situation.

i do think what you're going through are intrusive thoughts, and i get those a lot too. especially about going through what i did again, or worse. i also fucking HATE those thoughts, especially because my mind makes it by people i know irl, especially classmate im close to. it makes me feel disgusting and like im sexualizing and making my classmates horrible people when they ARENT. intrusive thoughts arent a reflection of who you are, theyre a reflection of who you DONT want to be, thats why theyre so disturbing.

again, the almost yearning for it is intrusive. it's also a trauma response. like how people who are used to being mentally abused will seek out and be with people that will treat them like that, its kinda like that. its not a good way to cope, but its not the WORST. as the absolute worst would be repeating the cycle.

im sorry if this doesn't help, its kinda just my word vomit with no revisions,, but i hope it does. it gets better, i promise. keep going.

[magebastard]

Would you be willing to expand more on the choices that felt weird or janky? The book was pretty meh to me but I feel pretty alone in that sentiment

ya!! im still kind of muddling through the different routes so here are just a few things (spoilers ahead):

you suffer the most in this book by a WHOLE LOT and that doesn’t feel like it’s very. important. it just feels like bad things keep happening and it’s onto the next. it’s frustrating bc these are things that fundamentally change people.

wildly enough n’s romance (how I played it) might be. my favorite? in this book. I thought abt myself and my friends and ppl I know for a minute and was like “ya I’ve told people I love them very early in relationships maybe that’s fine I can live w that” and ive just rolled with it but the option even appearing DID feel a lil wild and out of pocket even with my mental gymnastics

a’s romance is trying to achieve sth that’s pretty specific in that tortured, sweeping soulmates kind of way. the push and pull was broken up in moments for A that felt. out of character for the sake of giving you romantic content. it felt rushed and sometimes, frankly, not cohesive w the character as previously written. some of it felt bizarre.

you can snap at tina but you can’t snap at the spy who’s leading her on.

why can’t you realize that you’re in love w f who you are IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH???

the tension w rebecca is rough bc everything w the chamber felt like it existed for the purpose of Introducing The Chamber and also showing rebecca’s ass as a liar. she pretty much tells u she didn’t raise u bc she didn’t know how to and you can’t challenge that you can’t freak out you just accept that info or get mad abt this lie that doesn’t feel like it matters that much

rebecca also said she didn’t have the clearance to know what happened to rook but she???? ran the agency?????? I get some of the other reasoning that’s like “it hurt too much to know” but be real be serious right now. Let me call her out.

AT LEAST let me call out. idk just facts? as they come up. the big bad referring to someone as a ‘she’ who scares them should immediately click for a detective w deductive skills as the leader of the rogues.

idk! I think a lot of romance should have been sidelined in this book. the detective should shift and be a little more characterized by what’s happening around them and I think the LIs could be huge as side support in that. THE BEST FRIEND ROUTES COULD BE SO GREAT FOR THIS TOO?? THOSE AND THE TINA VERDA CONTENT WERE GOLD

overall so much of the issue is very weird pacing

that’s a bit of where im at!

[meili-sheep]

so i've seen this theory that is allegedly going to be confirmed in 3.4 Basically it says that al haitham cannot feel any emotions bc he is the sole survivor/successful case of the greyscale elezar experiments run by dottore and it basically lobotomised him so he doesnt feel emotions and thats why he wants to live a quiet life as a scribe. I say a lot of kaveh/al haitham shippers talking about this on twitter as some kind of win bc aww al haitham let kaveh enter his super controlled life ect ect. 1. idk if this is an outlandish theory that has no chance of becoming canon bc i dont really have a good gage for that kind of thing so if im falling for the bait im sorry 2. I can kind of understand it for story reasons as it makes for a compelling relationship between al haitham and dottore and by extension the akademyia for allowing dottore back BUT 3. I feel really sad bc it means all that autistic coding was a concious effort to make the character LITERally unfeeling. It means all those traits I recognised in myself and in him are the result of him missing something, being less, ect. and it kinda hurts. Like obvs i never expected hoyo to come out and make him autistic in canon but it just feels like another autistic coded character that is coded that way because they are missing something fundamentally human. Whether thats an android, alien, puppet ect. Idk you are one of the few people on here ive seen talk about al haitham being autistic coded so i wanted to get your thoughts -@under-wcrlds

ahahahahahha

Yeah. (Genshin talk start at paragraph 4)

I've actually mentioned in a previous post that I don't want Al Haitham to be any kind of inhuman character because he's so humanity autistic. Like in particular, he feels a lot like my brand of autism. Because here is the thing. I'm not academically gifted. But I'm incredible with patterns. I'm very good at seeing the patterns of life and being able to predict on only people's responses but emotional responses without knowing them. And I have the same goals as Al Haitham. I want to live a simple and comfy life. Do no more work than needed, and then do what interests me. I have also turned down big leadership positions because that's not what I want to do.

And guess what. I'm a real fucking person. Yeah, I've been through some shit. But that didn't make me this way, and everyone goes through it at one point or another.

But I've always been like this. Fuck, my mom had me (at a young age) start packing the car on trips because I could just see where everything was supposed to be. I was never one who could express my emotions well. I still struggle with that, and I feel a lot of the time, I come across as a know-it-all? And attention-hogging because I just talk in a sort of weird antidotal way.

This also makes me a good storyteller because I can give a more natural flow of events. So let me country why I don't think this theory is gonna be correct.

in the 3.2 stories. Al Haitham did say he understands and knows the importance of emotions and makes it clear that he's not really the type who is good a motivating people through emotion. Never did he make any reference to not being able to feel them. Fuck I'd argue he'd have to have them to understand what the mad Scholars were feeling to imitate them as well as he did.

Also, there isn't really a reason to re-pick up the elezar plotline, as it has been pretty solidly dealt with. Like it's gone, there's no reason to look more into it. We know what causes it and what cured it. Like if they are to bring Dottore up again, it will be for another story and another experiment. Also, Dottore isn't the type to pick up something again once his interest in it is gone. Heck, look at Scaramouch. Plus, Dottore had Collie. Like that's confirmed. And seemingly, Dottore knew how to keep elezar at bay. So there wouldn't be much reason for him to expand experimentation. Let long a reason to make someone stop feeling emotions.

The TDLR is that there really wouldn't be many benefits for Dottore if this was the case, and that feels outta character. Also, we don't know Al Haitham's timeline, just that he graduated, which apparently is really hard to do and takes a lot of time.

And a point that's just hit me.

LISA WANTS TO LIVE A SIMPLE LIFE. And She's objectively waaaaaay smarter than Al Haitham is. So again, it's not a good reason?

Idk man. I'm a little heated under the collar because I HATE when people try and make an autistic-coded character nonhuman. Because I'm a human.

[lindszeppelin]

okay so yesterday the twitter hive got into a frenzy over V posting *checks notes* ...for posting.... *double checks notes from confusion* .....darla the dog that Austin left with her when he went to go film for Elvis.

no but fr they're heated over it. they are also assuming she was shading him with a post she reposted to her story about not giving things energy but like..that literally could be nothing but a regular post. ppl were saying things like "she never deserved him" and just really being whiny little bitches about it. personally, i don't really like V but saying something like that about a relationship you weren't in and know actually nothing about is wild, no!? it's giving unhealthy levels of parasocial relationship. they don't even like her— how did anyone see her STORY? when i thought to try and offer a different perspective i just figured it was for nought bc it doesn't seem like any of them would listen to reason. i don't give a shit she still has the dog...clearly he doesn't care. shouldn't they be more mad at that then anything? "it was his MOTHERS dog!!1!!11" yeah and they were together for a decade, i'm sure he just thinks Darla was in better hands with V🤷🏽‍♀️, especially once he started doing the press tour/award campaign run for Elvis–he was barely home ever! i don't get the anger, it's petty and misplaced and immature and (maybe even naive?) to think she's(V) evil or some sort of horrible person for this one act. let me reiterate: they were together for a decade!!! im sure after his mother passed they took care of the dog together for the majority of their relationship so in my eyes, Darla is as every bit Austin's as she is V's.

and it's very obvious they are ASSUMING she was shading him rather than idk looking the other way(or never looking in her direction in the first place bc they do not like her anyway so why disrupt your own peace and happiness for THIS?) and pretending like she doesn't exist. or simply being levelheaded and logically thinking. i have to routinely pull myself back farther away from fandoms in general bc honestly i've never really been too deep into them for this exact reason— ppl just get a tad bit too creepy and weird for me. and this moment is making me wanna leave entirely..it's almost making want to like her again too out of spite for those ppl(almost, babes, almost lmao). it's just...icky to me is all. anyway, all this to say: thoughts? lol.

i don't like vanessa for many reasons, but the shippers will always think that she's shading him for no reason. this bitch is married, like...she has MOVED ON from austin in all kinds of regards. and like i said before, people will interpret things in their own personal way and that can be a curse. from my perspective, that quote vanessa shared TO ME read as "okay guys hang it up, i have moved on and everything is okay. let's just move on from this narrative".

also idk about the discourse surrounding darla and stuff but listen, if austin was perfectly fine leaving darla with vanessa after all this time then cool. he trusts her with his mother's dog. i mean clearly vanessa loves darla and i see the pics she posts with darla. cole seems to be a good surrogate dog dad to darla too from what i can tell. so...there is no problem here.

[rumpunch]

HIIII so… i finally got to see hadestown this weekend (the national tour production) w two of my best friends 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i knew we were gonna see it for months but i didnt want to post abt it beforehand / acknowledge it in any way after making plans bc i was scared i would jinx it like what happened when i posted / talked abt seeing shows on the west end and then covid hit and sent me home lol. but i can’t believe i finally saw it!! it doesn’t feel real and honestly didn’t until right now as im writing this….. being in the theater was truly an out of body (and mind lol) experience for better or for worse. this was my first time seeing a show since covid and im soooo glad it was this one given how much it’s meant to me for all these years 🥹💗

i have a lot of thoughts on the production and also the plot / story so here they are lol:

production thoughts

for context ive never seen a hadestown 👢 before, i told myself that i wanted my first experience of seeing it to be actually seeing it in person. but ive listened to the obcr 5798673594 times over the last 3 years and the songs have become thoroughly woven into my life... so that made for a really weird experience where i knew every word but was watching it unfold for the first time and yet i knew what was coming for the most part. that also could be chalked up to the fact that ive seen so many gifsets and have read so many posts about other ppl seeing the show so i did know about some visual things.. but yeah it was just weird what i knew / expected and what i didnt lol

my friends and i sat in the back right corner of the mezzanine (like the LITERAL corner. no chairs behind us or next to us and the exit right next to us) and sadly the balcony in the set was cut off for us so we had to keep leaning across each other or scrunching our heads down to see the action up there :~/ but it was ok

i think bc of the above two bullet points + the fact that i really did not let myself believe that i was going to see the show bc i was scared of jinxing it + me having depression / possible derealization issues that i did not have when i first got into this show... i was kinda numb the entire time which sucks a little. i cried a couple times (happy / disbelieving tears in road to hell (persephone's entrance specifically for some reason, idk why it wasnt the "aight"s LOL) and any way the wind blows, sad tears in doubt comes in) but i didnt really... process anything in the moment or really experience the epic highs and lows of it while watching it. i just generally wasnt very moved! and im processing the show right now for the first time. and that kinda sucks and is unlike me and unlike what i thought seeing it was gonna be like. in a similar vein i found myself really focused on whoever was in the spotlight and im kinda mad at myself for that bc this is a show where SO many little details / context clues are communicated when ppl are in the background. but its fine i guess, i may be in a weird place mentally but i got to see it and maybe i'll see it again someday and be more moved

the cast was PHENOMENALLLLLL. j antonio rodriguez was our orpheus and he was the standout for me, his singing and acting as were breathtaking! i was frustrated about hannah whitley (eurydice) though bc like (and i feel bad for saying all of this)... nobody can be eva noblezada but hannah was missing a lot of notes / singing off key and kept like.. idk what the technical term for it is but she was kinda singing on her own beat and adding in a lot of pauses or rushing into things instead of staying on pace with the music and also she kept kinda revving up into the high notes and all of it grated on me. but i grew warmer to her singing in act 2 and i really appreciated her acting throughout! i didnt rly have many thoughts about hades (matthew patrick quinn), persephone (maria christina oliveras), or hermes (nathan lee graham) aside from ADORING all of their performances and what they brought to the roles compared to the obc! and the fates (dominique kempf, belén moyano, courtney lauster) / ensemble (kc dela cruz, colin lemoine, sean watkinson, shavey brown, raquel williams) / musicians were INCREDIBLE and had such amazing chemistry with and between each other :~D

antonio made for a bolder more charming orpheus and hannah made for a darker moodier more tortured eurydice which was interesting. but (and maybe this was just me dealing with the whole numbness / already knowing what to expect thing) i wasnt really convinced about their love story (specifically the early parts of it in act i as they were falling in love) or that orpheus in particular was insecure and vulnerable to the fates. but they did have some good chemistry in act ii especially and i was rooting for them so hard despite knowing wht was to come :~(

i knew that on broadway they have that little elevator in the center of the stage so i was curious about how it would work in the tour and... they had this giant oven box thing with moving doors! i actually really liked that, it made the whole idea of traveling to / from hadestown seem more sinister. that said i was kinda bothered by it during doubt comes in because orpheus and eurydice had to walk around the entire stage to make sure eurydice was positioned in front / inside of the oven and it kinda spoiled the ending in a way (even though we all know how that ends)... im guessing that on broadway its less exaggerated and you dont see it coming bc all eurydice has to do is just move over to the side a little. but idk i'll finally let myself watch a 👢 and see what the difference is

i couldnt take my eyes off of hades and persephone during promises. they started the song with hades kneeling with his head against persephone's stomach and then he stood up and they just hugged.... for a LONG time. like at least 3-5 minutes. and i was like god i wish that were me and i was thinking about what that mustve been like for the actors playing them.. like if thats a moment that they share and look forward to or whatever bc i know i would. it made me think about jenna's dear baby monologue in you matter to me LOLLLL

i saw from another post i read on here (as i was pregaming for the show by scrolling thru my hadestown tag LMAO) that orpheus runs through the audience at one point? and he didnt do that for us that i saw which i was bummed about. maybe thats just a broadway thing

i had no idea the set splits open during wait for me!!! it was so cool

i also didnt know / fully realize that hades produces a flower for persephone during epic iii 😭 the tears in my eyes... also speaking of epic iii hades singing the lalalalalalalaaaa got a LAUGH and i was so MAD!!!!! i get that its kinda funny because it just sounds so weird in his voice and its a startling moment... but that pissed me off bc the moment is supposed to be so tender and heartbreaking and the audience didnt appreciate that.. augh.

since its pride month the set was initially lit up with rainbow lights and in act ii hermes had little rainbow tassles on the ends of his sleeves!! :~D

plot / story thoughts

another context bullet point to kick us off: i discovered hadestown in the spring / summer of 2019 which was an INCREDIBLY formative time for me and so many aspects of the show (creative expression as a tool / forum for bringing about the world as it could be (and illuminating the possibilities in the world as it is), discovering that you have agency, love / loyalty / betrayal / sustenance, finding your purpose, etc.) were profoundly relevant to things that i was awakening to at that exact place and time in my own life. so i went into this experience hoping to have more insights like the kind i had when i first listened to the obcr... and i didnt really. i mean i had some but they didnt feel as profound i guess? and again that may just be me having mental health issues now that i didnt have then.. but that was a thing that i was aware of and kinda sad about. so yeah

that said... the main thing along those lines that i did take away (which really only hit me while watching epic iii / promises) is like... love is agency is love is agency is love.... or something like that. at least that they coexist and happen together. the oppressive conditions in hadestown and the poverty in the overworld strip the gods and humans alike of... their humanity (which is weird to apply to the gods but still)! their sense of self, and their love for each other and the world. the moment that became clear for me was in epic iii when the workers took off their goggles one by one and it was like.. they could See again! they could see themselves and each other, they were holding hands with each other and singing together. and they saw a future that they could create together. and hades was letting persephone dance and she kept spinning away from him with her arms outstretched like a bird but then coming back... idk. im not articulating this well and i need to think about it more and let it simmer for a bit and maybe watch a 👢 to get all the details. but it was like yeah... the opposite of capitalism imperialism etc etc is love and agency and they go together and they are the same thing.

another thing i need to think about more: orpheus went to hadestown all by himself to get eurydice! how come he was so confident then? he was LITERALLY alone. he didnt know where she went or if she would come back with him. and he didnt have the workers following him (though they were there in wait for me swinging the lamps, but i interpreted them as being like... part of the scenery i guess). he was completely alone and operating off of hope AND THE FATES TAUNTED HIM TOO and he was like... fine! so then in doubt comes in.. when he has all these people including eurydice following him... like idk. maybe its just because he'd confronted hades who couldnt fully be trusted and he knew that eurydice had turned her back on him and stuff... like maybe its just because on the journey back he'd experienced things that caused him to doubt / mistrust the people he was journeying with / from and that's what made him vulnerable, not so much the physical loneliness but the emotional loneliness that comes with a betrayal. which is something i just realized typing it out lol. but that kinda agitated me bc its like... he was FINE the way up so why did he crumble on the way back :~(

doubt comes in is such a fucking GUT PUNCH btw. i wanted to cry harder but didnt let myself bc i didnt want to be too loud or soil my mask. but i was so so scared to see it and it devastated me. its just so... SAD. and its so... like i relate to / identify with orpheus SO much yes in part because of the creative expression / seeing the two worlds thing but also because of doubt comes in specifically. its just so so so sad. he had all of these people including the person he loved most cheering him on and echoing to him. and he couldnt hear them. and he couldnt internalize how much they loved and believed and trusted in him. and he turned. that is so wrenchingly real. and it hurt so bad to see it playing out on the stage knowing what was about to happen and then WATCHING it in all the brilliant horror. like thats another insane thing the way the lights get so wildly bright. actually now that i mention that i think the lights are brighter in hadestown when bad things are happening. like hades saying I CONDUCT THE ELECTRIC CITY etc etc. that could be a whole post. someone should make that

im thinking a lot about The Song and whose song it is and actually WHICH song it is. bc if you think about it... so we're introduced to the lalalalalalalaaaa and whatever song that is which builds in the epics. and that song incites a lot of action like orpheus (quite literally!) tuning out eurydice which causes her to choose to go to hadestown, and hades realizing what love is and whatever. but another song that is equally if not more catalytic is.... IF IT'S TRUE!!!! bc thats the song that sparks the revolution among the workers and gives orpheus hope that he almost lost after learning about eurydice's betrayal and inspires eurydice to fight for something instead of succumbing to her fate. and in wait for me reprise when eurydice is singing "echoing OUR song" "the falling of OUR feet" ... like they're not alone as just the two of them, the workers are coming too!! so which song is she referring to! what if it's actually "if it's true" and the hopes that orpheus has stirred up about what the world could be?

btw speaking of orpheus tuning out eurydice... im sure this point has been made 5476463979 times but its rly interesting to think about how love languages (for lack of a better way to put it, ik that can be kinda reductive) work in this show. eurydice and orpheus both attempt to address the storm but the ways they choose to do it are different / dont align: eurydice tries to manage the short term by searching for food and firewood, while orpheus works on the song that will bring spring back and stop this kind of disaster from happening again. but iirc they dont talk about how they're going to take these two different but equally important strategies — eurydice at least interprets the song as being unimportant and orpheus just... straight up seems unaware of the food / firewood thing also being important. so theres a communication failure and eurydice interprets the silence as abandonment (for good reason, also relatable) and turns her back (ha!) on orpheus. and then with hades and persephone... hades does all these big flashy power gestures to show his love for persephone but it's the exact opposite of what she wants and they dont see eye to eye about how to express their love for each other either. yeah

speaking of eurydice making that choice... like yeah. sigh. betrayal is such a huge thing in this show. trust and betrayal. eurydice was (kind of) leading orpheus through the immediate short term danger of the storm and she turned on him. and the fact that she did was part of the reason orpheus turned on her. they made their vows in promises that they would walk side by side but he couldnt get over it (partially bc they literally weren’t allowed to physically walk as they planned but still). and eurydice said "im right behind you and i have been all along" and its like no you havent been thats the entire plot of the show lol (again for understandable reasons but still!)

another thing im sure has been analyzed 456456984 times but its interesting to think about hermes watching everything playing out while knowing how it will end and not choosing to intervene. idk what that means and my laptop is running out of battery so im not going to dig into it but im just thinking on it. BUT ALSO THAT GOES FOR US AS THE AUDIENCE like so many ppl probably know how it ends and maybe some ppl are seeing it multiple times and its like... anyone could intervene and change the story (within reason ofc). also goes for the other ppl on stage too like the musicians etc. its just interesting to think about the implications of that and what would happen if someone tried it both "in character" and "out of character" i guess

its interesting to think about the role walls play in the show too. like the wall hades is making the workers build to keep out the "enemy" and keep them (him) powerful and prosperous in their (his) isolation vs the walls repeating the falling of feet, echoing songs... letting people know theyre not alone. and the fact that that doesnt happen in doubt comes in even though orpheus is being followed by a whole crowd basically. idk. fascinating

ok those are all of my thoughts i think! i also saw some interesting posts / takes that im going to rb again bc theyre on my mind as i interpret the show but i dont want to put them in this post bc theyre not my original thoughts. ty for reading if you did :~D this is a glorious new era in rumpunch nation im so glad and grateful that i can finally say ive seen this beautiful show!

[taikanyohou]

I think its already established that Daemi don't know how to write shit to save their lives. This just further cemented it.

I also think it's funny that one of the authors' favorite character is Vegas, so why the hell they would just make him suffer more and more... I don't know what to tell you. They just suck and I will not accept this as canon. Like there is just no reason to kill off Macau wtf... like, you leave fucking Venice (who provides very little to the plot) and kill off Macau??? Wtf wtf wtf wtf??? Nobody wants that fucking baby ffs, not even Vegas.

I think the authors may have a grudge against the cast/fandom considering all the controversies that have happened concerning them 2 so I think they're like "let's kill someone everyone cares about and actually like as payback! *evil laughter*" and everyone else KP, VP, KC are too important to the plot and the bodyguards aren't that much so they decided on Macau... oof

I think that if we get a S2, they will keep Macau's death, just make it better or have him die a noble death (just like how they changed it for Big- who ended up dying for Porsche- who was the actual traitor in the book instead of Ken) since I do think BOC may be obligated to follow the broad strokes of the novel and I don't think they have bought the rights off Daemi...

hiiii anon!!!

god i am MAD. like. idgaf about venice NO ONE gives a flying fuck about venice and YET!!!!!!!

they absolutely do not know how to write for their characters nor do they care much. so they kill off macau ... can you imagine the PAIN and ANGUISH that vegas would feel? at that point, knowing vegas as We know him, he himself wouldnt wanna live anymore, no matter if he has pete beside him or not. he was gonna blow his brains out just at his DAD dying and pete talked him down. i dont even think pete could talk him down if he saw macau comitting suicide in front of his eyes. like. what?? they wanna play the misery porn card on vegas????

and like. thats just vegas. who's a secondary thought rn. to me its more about macau. like. yes okay he is clinically depressed and on meds in the novel. and you know all this time since kp ended ive gone on and on and onnn about how much of a blank canvas macau was on the show and how if we ever got a s2, i wanna see macau be given depth and be explored more bc theres SO MUCH room and scope with him to do so. and like the novel, i'd wanna see macau go through these bouts of depression bc ... hell ... his entire life has just been one trauma after the next after the next laid upon him. its GOT to get to him. and i could just. so clearly picture what the plotline for macau can be if we got a s2. i could write it myself and do a better job!! and that would include not killing him off just to dump more pain on vegas and to give macau hope in wanting to live bc he has his big brother and his big brother has him!!! and he'd graduate from school and go to uni and make something of his life!!!!

but like. i just dont know. IF. we ever got a s2, would they write macau as being clinically depressed like in the novel. and of course there has to be (a) death involved in the show and WHO BETTER to kill off than macau, who's only attachment is with vegas and then pete and is a well-loved character. like i would Hope they would rewrite it all and Not have him die but then im like ... well someone has to die and whose death would twist the knife in more than macau's for the sake of Great Plot Writing and Advancement. i said it once before that i could so easily see a future scenario where pete and macau are both in some sorta danger and only one makes it out alive or vegas has to choose and that ties in with your idea of the Noble Death trope and macau probably dying that Noble Death. so either that, or they DO write macau as clincally depressed on the show and have him commit suicide, which idk if they will write him as that.

but yeah im just so ... Mad at this all. i wanna say yeah that yeah if we did get a s2, that they could rewrite this all and macau doesnt die but then ...... like. duh. its pretty obvious that macau's death would trigger and offset so much for the plot and facilitate it going forwards.

and fuck that. bc i LOVE macau so much and theres SO MUCH that can be done with him and explored with him that I COULD DO A BETTER JOB AT. like i said, yes, i wanna see macau be written as clinically depressed on the show just like the novel and for that and his headspace and character to be properly explored, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, be given hope of a hopeful ending for him!!!!!!!! ITS REALLY NOT THAT HARD TO DO YOU SICK FUCKS!!!

[justalia]

this is kinda long, but i’m at the point where i feel like i just can’t apply states correctly (which given how states work that itself is probably a state but i digress). i would greatly appreciate your help if you have the time

i’ve read neville many times. but i’ve just never been able to feel fulfilled in imagination and i genuinely don’t understand how you would. i can’t visualize, so i really only have internal dialogue. plus i have never been an imaginative person and i’m very much left-brained. even when i was in school if my brain wandered off i was just thinking about what i would eat for dinner or something. people talk about having imaginal arguments with people and i don’t even do that? my imagination is literally just like an internal version of how some people talk to themselves.

my sp and i lived together and were talking about getting engaged before i accidentally manifested a breakup. i don’t get how to fulfill myself cause i just feel like i miss the human experience of being together. i can’t visualize, i despise scripting, and inner conversations are unnatural to me, so i can’t give myself the experience of waking up next to him, or talking to him, or going on dates, or being intimate. but i know from studying the law we desire the feeling. so i ask myself how would i feel if we were back together and were doing all those things? and it’s just crickets. i get the wish fulfilled can feel like nothing. but if i’m sad and missing him and try to shift my state and still feel sad then i know i’m not changing self.

i’m frustrated to the point of tears. i know the 3d will just continue to reflect my state and show me more stuff i don’t like. but even with the 3d not being the goal (which ik it isn’t) i feel like i can’t be happy in imagination either. i’m burnt out from trying to make myself feel better but ik staying in my current state isn’t going to help in any way. idk if you’ve seen rem’s distraction technique but im tempted to try it because it seems fitting for my situation. i just don’t know that affirming it’s done and distracting myself but continuing to feel sad is actually shifting my state. i really don’t know what to do anymore

okay let me help you out.

first of all from what you’re saying i feel like you still haven’t fully processed the emotions the breakup caused and you’re desperately trying to feel better and feel positive bc that’s what you think shifting the state is.

what you first need to do is fully process and let out all of your emotions regarding your 3D without putting on yourself the pressure of “i need to switch state or it won’t manifest and things will stay the same”.

STOP STRESSING YOURSELF OUT.

you’re putting pressures on yourself that you shouldn’t even have. you’ve studied the law you know how it works now you only need to apply.

you know that time is a social construct and imagination being the only reality means there’s only the present moment.

IT’S OKAY TO MISS YOUR SP. allow yourself to feel those emotions PLEASE stop bottling it up.

i know i have tired myself to death trying to push aside these emotions thinking it was me reacting to the 3D.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL.

what matters is that you intend to shift back to the state of the wish fulfilled as soon as you feel better.

if you know that the 3D is not your goal why would you be so mad at yourself for feeling certain emotions if you know that as soon as you’ve let them out you can have what you want immediately?

stop forcing yourself to feel things.

the reason why you don’t “FEEL” that you’ve switched state is bc you’re identifying with the 3D version of yourself.

knowing that you are faceless and formless consciousness and that all you want is only consciousness as well why would you miss something you have?

i’m not saying you should repress your emotion of missing your sp, i’m simply saying let it out, feel it, return to a neutral state focus on feeling neutral and as soon as you feel ready to just switch to your desired state.

the only reason you’re so hard on yourself is bc you’re still seeing the 3D as your goal.

stop looking for techniques thinking it will help in any way.

you know what the “rules” are, identify with imagination and know that you have it. period. that’s it.

[skadren]

I keep seeing a bunch of live and let go, boundaries are personal and not moral stances posts about writing and i largely agree ppl should be able to explore what they want in fic but also. Is there a way to balance or talk about "hi um white author so you kinda reinvented racism/blood eugenics and unilaterally present sex work as inherently degrading and etc etc etc for Shipping Angst Drama fodder, when the text is like. None of that" in fandom or even just in like. A server community. Maybe I'm a bit sensitive bc i feel constructed/projected misery is kind of tacky to begin with and i wouldn't do it with a complete stranger but idk my guy. I don't want to alienate myself but it's weird to go completely uncritical here

i think there are a couple items you need to check off the list before you can go "yes talking to internet stranger #37461239 about a highly sensitive topic is a good idea"

is it tagged appropriately? if it's tagged trust me the writer knows. they have probably gotten way more unsolicited feedback than they would really like

is the portrayal you're concerned about reinforcing an unhealthy or discriminatory predominant social narrative? if it is and you think the writer is genuinely unaware, then yeah, it might be worth bringing up. the emphasis here is on predominant please i am begging on my hands and knees

will this result in a productive conversation? if the intent behind this is to get people to reconsider, it isn't helping anyone if you know it will just lead to them doubling down and doing it even worse. at that point you're only making a performative statement to validate your own stance

if it really is bothering you that much, is there a compelling reason why you can't just block and move on? it isn't your responsibility nor is it feasible to fix how a fandom is doing things, especially if it's a group of people you don't really know. your own mental health always comes first, and a bit of salty venting in private with your friends never hurts anyone

if it IS a friend or acquaintance who is doing this and you think they would be open to discussing it with nuance, then you can probably bring it up. if that person has a basic level of consideration and respect for you it tends to go well, but i've also seen people double down because they already know there's something wrong with their attitudes but get mad at you for wanting them to change, and then it creates a whole ton of drama and people get hurt and it's not pretty. so. ymmv

ultimately, someone's views on racism or sex work or whatever is reflective of a broader social norm, and fandom is not the best space to try to fix that through confrontation-- it's usually someone's "safe space" where they want to retreat from the world, not come face-to-face with any sort of personal reckonings. do i think it's a mark of privilege that some people have the luxury of ignoring these issues when they "just want to have fun"? yes, but again, this is about being able to have productive discussion, not about what's "fair". unfortunately.

my two cents: if you're in a server community or some other space that makes you uncomfortable there's really nothing wrong with going "hey, we have fundamentally different standards when it comes to [x], and i don't think i want to be here" and moving on. the best way to challenge these things is quite literally to make your own food. there's a much better chance of the people you're worried about coming across it and realizing they like it than magically being able to argue them down with well-placed logic and reasonable points or whatever

EDIT: OH ALSO IM STUPID if you mean talking about it in general. not naming writer names but trends in the fandom. yes absolutely-- not in a public space like social media but definitely find a group of people who you trust who you can talk about these things with!! it is good and healthy. just make sure it isn't just a discord server open to the public or smth tho so you personally know and trust everyone who can see it (and you don't accidentally shit talk someone who is in that space lmao)

[lexa-griffins]

thanks loads for the quick response, you were so lovely!! 🌸 as i said i’m just starting to educate myself so i don’t want to get things wrong or support someone who doesn’t deserve it. for example, Eliza.. like im still confused about this other topic bc i’m not interested enough, my heart already belongs to Alycia and i mean Alycia only, so… that’s what i’m focusing on. okay so basically that’s what i thought, the “could’ve handled it better” was about her not actually handling it at all, in a way, which i like to believe has nothing to do with her “hating” lexa (it’s something i keep reading online and idk where it comes from) or her fans. Bad advices and likely her trying to save Jason’s a** lead her to shut the discourse. but if this makes sense for the first weeks/months following lexa’s death, what i don’t understand is why she did seem annoyed when fans brought up lexa to conventions etc. but if she hated the fans and/or lexa, i can’t possibly believe she would’ve ever accepted to come back to the show for the finale. she came back bc she cared (about lexa, i mean SHE played her for gods sake, it must be hella important for her as well!!) and knew it was important for the fans, i guess. I’m almost scared to talk about this as i know Eliza’s fans are mad about it and especially Eliza/b0b supporters (i’ve seen enough on Twitter dear lord) but if what some people say is true, that he asked Jason to fire her bc he was jealous of her success, then maybe HIM being fired was also one of the reasons she willingly came back? like don’t get me wrong, i’m sure a big fat paycheck played a huge part too 😅 but trying to add more pieces to the puzzle here, as i really know like 40% of what happened behind the scenes with Jason and all when lexa was killed off, so again, i’m sorry if this always ends up being super long but i’m trying to do my homework here 📋🖊️ (and you genuinely are super kind btw which i’m super grateful for 😭)

I have never opened my mouth about the E and B topic because I am not about to open that can of worms or invite their fans to fight me here. I was a huge E fan and just a week before all the shit came out i was talking to a friend about how i wish clarke and her got the same love Lexa and Alycia do... that came back to bite me in the ass real quick 😅 you guys know how much i love Clarke but damn was it impossible for a bit there for me to be able to watch clexa and clarke scenes again and be able to seperate e from Clarke. We clearly got there tho 😌

In a way, I can understand why she was a little annoyed at cons. Alycia never went to a con with the main intent of talking about Lexa, she was on FTWD, she was probably very excited about it and was sent there to talk about it and yet every question she got was about a character that st that point she had not played in maybe a year if you account for the time between filming and the episodes coming out. And its probably nerve wracking to have a room full of people who care so deeply for a character and that are part of a community that is marginalized and her having to say the right thing. Not to meantion like most actors sometimes the line betwwen Lexa the character and Alycia the actor got a little blurred and i get the sense Alycia is the type of actor who wants a clear separation between herself and the character. Maybe wrongly so she tried to distance herself from Lexa not because she hates the fans but because it was what she and others around her felt was right for her career having just started on a new show.

We know B was most likely fired but I doubt that he was the reason why Alycia left. I truly think Jrot believe he was doing something with Lexa's death and that he was telling a epic story, i really think any other story of B wanting her gone and what is now know its false about her not being able to do both shows (AMC was ready to let her continue on the show, i wish i could link you a source to this) - making Alycia agreeing with Jason probably just PR trying to not cause a drift. Alycia (and Jason) kind of alluded to the fact that there had been chances for Lexa to come back before but that Alycia didn't feel comfortable with it and I do think that shows that she respected the fans and didn't want to be used as a prop to make fans to watch the show again. Her being in the finale was a surprise (well, not to me and many others because it felt like there had been hints being dropped for a good while). While i dont doubt the nice pay check wasnt an incentive Alycias entire message for the shows finale felt very sincere to me and very clearly dedicated to the fans. Blorke/B/E fans (well, B fans, lets be real here they only care for her because shes with him, they used to call her names before that) think that just because Alycia is both rather private and doesnt try to take fans money left and right that she hates her fans and hates Lexa. I just think that Alycia didnt really speak up when it was the time for it for whatever reason - i dont think it was out of malicious intent but i do think she should have said more - and talking about it now would just come across as trying to stir something up unless it was directly asked of her to talk about it. Id like to think she has proven herself an ally and a decent person where i dont think she has to talk about Lexa for me to consider her "forgiven" for not speaking up back then.

No need to say sorry, i totally get trying to understand what the fuck happened in this fandom of ours 😅 i just hope im saying things accurately because i have been here since mid 2015 so some things really get blurry around the edges. There used to be master posts or something im sure that explained things because this was a whole thing that last through most of 2016.

☺️ i might not remember or know how to answer everything but if you have any more questions about the fandoms history and if i can help and respond, feel free to ask me! :)

[faerociousbeast]

since i no longer consider myself a genshinner i will share some of my thoughts! epic! do not try at 3am. leaks and its long and stuff warning

- i dont like in game yelan ayato or childe sorry. rich 5* hydro users just arent it for me i guess especially if theyre bows.

- yelans design however objectively speaking i can see why so many like her 👍 go girls

- heizou also i am not a fan of 😕 Unfortunate! hes made me lose my detective liking streak

- i am bad with bows i am so bad with bows.

- idk how i feel about tighnari anymore. a lot of my negative opinions are fandom based tbh and its not the characters' fault for that but w him, the instant switch up was so insanely obvious im kinda iffy about he himself 💀💀 dont c/ynonari me

- also his voicceee 😭😭 never any hate to the vas but its so bad. i dont like it. i have him and made myself do a challenge where i got however many waypoints in sumeru in my ar 55 world using only him at level 11 so i can make this judgement.

- c/ynonari is genuinely.... fhwhhrgegrggrgr LIKE ITS NOT BAD i guess, no comment as far as me being cyno goes, but it just got so popular so quick it jumpscared me

- al-hai/tham. another im more so irritated by what you represent otherwise i probably would like him better. boy why are you white

- kav/eh too man like half of these designs would Literally Look Better With Slightly More Saturated Skin what is going ON!!!!!!!

- i personally dont care for kusa/nali for yk colourism reasons too but there very much is a. well the men are hot. lets get mad at the women tho

- ni/lou is the okest so far for cultural representation but her i just dont care for

- uhhhh. hm. what THE HECK is faru/zans design..... bro... its so bad im sorry? PROFESSOR?? huh? what? 3* design behaviour

- same w nah/ida 😭😭 dont argue against me i get it shes a kid cool nice her pale design is literally not interesting to me its. whatever. thats a 5*? lmao ok

- god...... actually this isnt even a my opinions list its jyst a things-that-were-ruined-for-me bc racism bht everyone else ignored it which ruined it for me more. anyways the harbingers.

- they knew what they were doing with the release time on that and everyone ate it up and it makes me sad bc i was genuinely very invested in the harbingers! but then theyre all shown all at once at a time like that huh. gross.

- idm scaras new design its cool its jhst we got TOO MANY BLUE GREEN PEOPLE 😭😭 change it up!!! his old colour palette or whatever was unique that what was nice ab it. yeah but his new colour scheme is getting a bit old sorry.

- the stepping on is funny for his burst everyone getting mad at it but not raidens is irritating tho

- layla is like..... people ARE being dramatic but i get what they mean on the voice. change it up a little we dont need more high pitched stressed girls my god!!! oh wait this is an anime waifu game

- i love itto 👍 NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT HIS PERSONALITY. he was another ruined by the fandom bc LITWRALLY ALL I KNEW ABIYT HIM, BEFORE I DID HIS QUEST, was he had abs. thag was it. that was all anyone evr told me. he had slightly more abs than all the other skinny twinks. j dont care aboyt abs so i didnt care about him its that sjmple!!!!! why didnt anyone tell me how great he is!!!!!!!! wtf!!!!!!!!!!!! injustice

- AYA/THOMA IS SO OVERRATED oh my god stop talking

- itto/rou seems to have died down? or idk im interacting with the right people

[cjrights]

just saw ur reblog… I AM SORRY GIRL☹️☹️ think of it as i just missed u so much i had to go to ur twin cause u guys are like basicallyyy connected ykwim like u guys have that twin telepathy or whateva

anywayss yes bro i was so mad (period might be starting bc my ive been crying over the smallest things lately🤕🤕)

we went to this restaurant called din tai fung guys when i tell u i’m thsi restaurants biggest fan I MEAN IT. if there’s one near whoever is reading this 1000% recommend. but this restaurant is kinda like u order smth and everyone shares yk so there were a lot of stuff but my fav was the chocolate xlb those are bomb (K now i just sound like i belong on my 600 lb life)

aw that’s sounds like sm fun and also i remember a couple (a hundred) posts back u said u might share some of ur photography? i would love to see it !!

NO STOP I SWEAR IM LIKE CHARGING IT 24/7. my battery health is at like 92% which makes me want to cry bc i only got this phone like in like late july so yea that’s not too good…. but i did hear that the 14 pro had bad battery life so i’m just gonna use that excuse as to why the battery health is so bad !!

okay idk if this is gonna give away who i am but i think it might so i’ll limit the details but i’ve talked to u and luce a couple times and u guys are both so sweet ily guys both (my fav twins ever other than my future wife🤗🤗🤗) K i need to stop i’m like cringing at myself but anyways i think the only reason why i’m scared to dm is bc i’ll like randomly just be having a convo with u but i’ll like accidentally blurt out smth that reveals i’m the 🌉 anon😭😭

YEA I KNOW UGH I TOLD HER I WOULD LOVE TO GO ALREADY SO NO GOING BACK (not that i would want to in the first place i’m like basically dying of excitement)

and i think this might be my longest ask yet so sorry guys i just love talking (as u guys can all tell already)

- 🌉

ok i forgive you because that’s just too sweet

UGH im sorry babe that sucks ☹️ sending you no period vibes

HAHAHA no you don’t stop it! i think ive had that before it sounds yummm

ok no need to hate on the chronic yapping. i will keep the photos to myself if the hate continues.

my phone can never die. i will never let it. anxiety gets the best of me and im complaining “my phone is gonna die” when its at 70%

NOT CRINGE. I LOVE. your wife is wifeing soon trust trust!! BABEEEE you don’t have to reveal yourself!! but you can if you want 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

YAYYYY YAYYY

me too it’s ok you already know and called me out in this ask.

[midnightmisadventures]

Babe Week dream #3

Todays dream was also interesting.

Again 2 ALIs. But i was def more into one....sort of like before. Again black vs white. And again only knowing the black guys name (sean).

Um....and idk it was basically like we were in an airbnb in the middle of wyoming. So secluded and boring and we didnt have much food but it was a mix of my friends and florida family and we were all partying having a cute chill time.

Like just smoking, drinking, movies, hot tubs, vibing for days. I was starting to like the one guy so much. So it was so fun and freeing to just find him and be affectionate, like hug him and kiss him and cuddle on the couch. It was just so cute.

At first the fight was even and we were all just having a good time. But when i started liking the other guy more i was trying to distance myself from sean, and sean would like pull me to like grind on him and dance with him, and i was trying not to be mean cause....like before i had been leaning into it but i didnt want other guy to see and be mad and think i wasnt into him in the way i was.

Also there was this emotional moment with morris?? um, yea he was crying bc...well im not sure why but he was having a breakdown. And it was just him and me in a bathroom consoling him. And i was like you can let it out its okay, we love you. YOur friends love you so muhc like we all care about you, your like a little brother to me. And i genuinely love and care about you.

But also i was struggling to find the words i was just trying really hard to be supportive. Earlier in the night.....we had kissed. And it wasnt romantic like there was some reason for it, we were drunk, but we kissed in the shower and idk if thats even important its just weird that i kissed morris ya know?

um......that might be it. There were so many bedrooms....and i really wanted to find a place with mans to cuddle

some food insecurity stuff came up...

But thats pmi

[catlady-ily]

dear diary;

sorry for the lack of updates! it's been a mix between busy and uneventful lately and overall i've just been tired.

not too much happened on wednesday - i had some pretty boring classes, but i hear my sport teacher gave us permission to flip off any of the boys from the other class if they catcall us while we're running. i love this sport teacher, he gives me a C just because i actually try in that class (every other semester, i got Ds bc i kinda suck at sport), so that's pretty cool!! and, other than that, i ended up cutting myself again. not sure why, just did.

thursday was a little bit more eventful i think?? idk - we had an icas test first period for english. icas is this testing for extension students and im not entirely sure why we do it, but it did mean not having a normal english lesson, so i can't exactly complain. during math class, something rlly funny happened - so at some point, the teacher explained something, which like always, was followed by a collective "ohhhh" from the class. but for some reason this time everyone started moaning!! and the teacher's response was "well i'm glad you all enjoyed that 😭. after school my family went to ikea!! not completely sure why, but i did get some candles!! i love ikea candles. and the food there - i ate a lot, rlly proud of myself!!! i love ikea.

friday was, well, a bit scary. i started the day by waking up early to finish a science poster that didnt even end up being due that day- halfway through drama class (which is going rlly well btw!! i'm rlly enjoying our performance so far), a lady came to take me out of class for the rest of the lesson and i didnt know why until she took me to her office and sat me down. turns out she was the youth support officer at the school and someone had made her aware that there were cuts on my arm. basically i ended up telling her the full truth, why i started initially, that i wasnt sure why i started again now, it was just scratches with some scissors, etc. then she said she would have to call my mom and let her know for the sake of my safety. although i begged her not to, she ended up calling my mom anyways, and i basically just started hyperventilating and crying a bit bc i was rlly rlly scared she'd be mad. luckily, she didnt seem to be angry at me, just a bit shocked bc she thought i'd been going so well lately and sad bc she didn't want me to be hurting myself. that afternoon she spoke to me about it and said the same thing. she then said she had to tell dad, i begged her not to, but she said that it wasn't something she could hide from him. so, she told dad, and i sat there absolutely terrified the whole time. anyways, it went ok, dad said the same thing that mom did, and they both said that we can maybe talk about it together another day.

saturday and sunday were exhausting - i worked in the mornings (on saturday i had to stay an extra hour because one of the new coworkers wanted to go home a bit earlier) and then in the afternoons i was so tired that i really couldn't do much. i hear from my coworker that she loves working with me bc i work hard and i always get stuff done (contrary to our other coworker, who's older than me and just kinda mopes around the whole time) and that one of our superiors is also rlly happy with my work!! im rlly glad to hear this, means my efforts are paying off :3

my eating's getting a lot better which is amazing!! im no longer hungry all the time, and i think im getting some good food in >w< only goes upwards from here!!!

oki i have to leave for school now, so i'll end it here!

love, kitty 💕

[saintobio]

so many thoughts about sy6 but im honestly not very furious with gojo at the end? he's already not in the right mental state in the first place, then his memories started swarming in and only a few days had passed since that happened. i pity him tbh. im guessing that the letter was a spur of the moment decision, and he will retract it back in sy7 when he's in a better headspace.

i have a feeling that, yes, his memories are back, but the feelings attached to those memories are not, because he's not in the moment with them. memories are the past, so it's easy to forget what you felt at that moment.

gojo after the 3 years of therapy probably feels that he's at a better place and at ease with himself, hence he would most likely not file a complaint against yn for lying about the abortion. but the current gojo can't remember the feeling of being the better person. that's why he's out of control because there's a disconnection between his heart and head, which makes it easy for him to go back to his old, spiteful way.

idk if im making sense help 😭😭 if it doesn't please leave this in ur asksbox idw to embarrass myself aaah

it makes sense!!! :) i like what you pointed out trust me, especially when you said that there seems to be a disconnect between his heart and his mind bc even if he recovered his memories, they’re still very fragmentary.

a lot of people have been mentioning this in my inbox right now, about how out of all gojo remembers, he’s paying the most attention to yn’s wrongdoing instead of his. think of it this way:

gojo knows he’s cheated. the foundation of his guilt even at the beginning of sy was bc of his existing knowledge that he lied and cheated on his wife, that he was very mean to her, and up until now, the reason he can’t get fully mad at yn is bc he knows he deserves to be cheated on. or that he deserves how yn is “neglecting” him. you can piece this together from his conversations with nanami and utahime.

now, when his flood of memories started overwhelming him, his mind recognizes yn’s fake pregnancy termination and his attempts of unaliving as brand new information. he doesn’t remember much of that, so it’s very normal that a person will be more surprised over something that he’s only finding out recently. it’s not like he has the time to think all his actions through in a span of 5 minutes. him focusing on what yn did doesn’t mean he has completely forgotten his mistakes. let’s not forget that goio in sn went through depression after learning that sachi was supposedly dead, which is why that part had some impact on him.

btw i’m not defending gojo bsdjsj i do this for all characters. i’m just saying that the immediate reaction was normal. how he handles that after he’s had more time to think is when he should be judged.

[calehenituseappreciation]

Ive seen a lot of Dream (and usually Techno and Phil too) as gods au (i have one too dw) but all of you are sleeping on the funniest option.

Tommy is the god.

Tommy.

hes the only one in that galaxy (other than drista ofc)

Just imagine how fucking funny it is like 

it would be so fucking hilarious

and tommy just doesnt tell them

so techno is just there making all these blood god jokes and jokingly telling tommy to serve him and tommys just laughing

imagine a god in the form of a chaotic 16 year old racoon gremlin just walts into your land commits arson and gets banned, only to come back with another person who he helps start a nation for drugs?

imagine how fucking funny it is

just

imagine tubbo banning a literal god from his lands and he just doesnt come back? he just plays by the rules? then goes and like sits in the corner all sad because some humans/dreamons told him to leave

ranboo, just joining the server: hi-  a chaotic gremlin god: wanna commit arson with me?  ranboo, just trying to vibe and maybe not disturb this god: sure 

Phil and Ranboo recongnize Tommy as a god on sight.

Everyone else just refuses to believe it. hes Tommy. Tommyinnit. hes just weird lol

And Drista being a fucking chaotic blood god? 

drista is open about her godhood and does not hesitate to spawn blocks

Drista finds Dream and decides she likes this small human, and dream just has to deal with it lmao.

drista and tommy are both born at the same time.

Tommy is a god of music, chaos, war and theivery (the last one bc he is a BITCH)

Drista is the blood god, chaos, deception, and theatre

okay but imagine the sbi interactions... like ig in this au tommy joins at like 12/13 years of age (in their minds) so he doesnt really grow much 

and like tommy, a literal god, just claiming phil as his father???

phil, in his house making eggs, assuming one of his sons woke up and came to the kitchen, not looking: hey son  tommy, from their couch, already deciding hes phils son now: whats up dad? phil: looks up at tommy who are you tommy: idk dad, who am i  phil: *stares at tommy for a second* eh i made extra eggs you can stay 

ASJIDGASUIOG IMAGINE TOMMY TELLING THEM HES A GOD BUT THEY THINK HES JOKING AND IGNORE HIM

everyone on the server: tommy is the youngest! tommy, as old as the universe: no im not!!!! im not a child!!!! he doesnt pout because pouting is for children and hes not a child but hes pouting tubbo: lol im older than you by a month tommy dont try to hide it tommy: im not a child!!!! techno: laughs

tommy doesn't try to hide that hes a god just its tommy

thats all the evedince anyone needs to think tommy isnt a god or powerful its like mcc hes good but only when he doesnt throw for content

quackity: sees drista written in bedrock lmao drista visited? tommy: yeah! i wrote that for her!  quackity: snorts yeahhhh sureee tommy

imagine like how fucking funny it is jsut like 

a fucking chaotic god breaks into your house androbs you makes a room under your house and decides to live in your floorboards

imagine dream like trying to manipulate tommy, and tommy a fucking anchient diety immeditly recongnizes what hes doing

but decides to play along for the angst and giggles and then actually gets mad when no one fucking cares for his theatrics

tommy, storming off to technos base to rob and build under: >:///// cant believe none of them acknoledged my  deppression 

i love that tommy stills robs everyone, he doesnt need to he can spawn in anything he wants

he just does it for the sport of robbery

JAKOGFSDOH

THE HOLY LAND

dream: im god actually tommy: thats so fucking funny lets make a cult about that :)  dream: see! look! im god! and jesus!  tommy: wheezing

imagine tommy getting stressed and letting go of his mortal form

Tommy, his human form peeling away, showing his actual form a bit: WH̸͘A͠T̷ ̶̢T͞H͢E ̡͘F̴̵͘Ù̧C͜K҉ ̶T͘͜͞E͟CHǸ͏Ǫ  Techno: HAH?

tommy just saw tubbo and got emotionally attached

Tommy, a literal god: hello Tubbo: oh hi do you like my pet bee? Tommy: you’re mine now Tubbo: im okay with this

tommy, a bored god: gives techno shapeshifting powers  techno, not even caring: changes into more human to pig-ishg forms as he wishes this is my life now ig 

phil lets tommy do fuck all in exile bc he knows hes a god hes fine

phil: IDC IF YOURE A GOD! YOU WILL DO THE DISHES NOW YOUNG MAN! tommy: grumbles but does them

phil is the only one who can control tommy

god... tommy... with star freckles... on his human form... (as well as his god one)

tommy: f̷͛͠a̵̋t̵̒̑h̸̚e̶̓͝r̸͊ ̸̐̒i̴ ̸̅̿d̷̉͆o̵͂͋ ̵̛̆ñ̸̾ő̶́t̸̎́ w̶͆͘i̴͠s̵̓̈́h̸͗́ ̵̯͗f̶͋́ő̴͑r̷̐̌ ̶͝é̵̽g̸͊͂g̵̒s̷͂̃  phil: idc, eat your goddamn eggs tommy: pouts

tommy, despite being able to get supplies himself by fucking spawning them in: hey tubbo? we need supplies 

In this au ig like if a god claims you you get a mark on your skin showing that. Drista’s would be like a green crown, Tommys would be a red and white disk (white as the outer ring and red as the center) (its different enough that if you don’t realise tommy is a god you wouldnt realise whos it is) (schlatt is the only one who never had one which shoulda been a sign dude :/)

Dream has two from the beginning, everyone else has only one, well until they meet drista. (sbi have had one since they met tommy, though they dont remember the first time they met tommy)

wait what if tommy like found them all as children one by one and later kinda pulled some strings to get them all in one kingdom. (he still joined sbi through forcing phil to adopt him) 

OKAY BUT IMAGINE IF TOMMY MET TECHNO WHEN TECHNO WAS YOUNG ENOUGH TO NOT REMEMBER

tommy would hang out with baby techno and tell him stories

once he told him the story of a man named thesus

another time he told him the story of a blood god

like for example tommys first time meeting techno would be like

(for context techno lived in a shitty village and was an orphan and it was kinda a dog eat dog place, he learned how to be strong because of it)(he was young enough that he doesn’t remember this well, just like learning about the blood god and someone giving him gold)

baby techno: sighs tommy, appearing out of nowhere: oh heyyy whyre you sad? techno: jumps turning around with a knife up ready for a fight who are you tommy: im tommy! :) techno: what do you want from me! you dont scare me! tommy: whats your name! techno: i have a knife! i'll use it! tommy: of course, thats a given, but its rude not to tell people your name techno, confused: t-technoblade? tommy: smiles thats a nice name techno: so. tommy: hm? techno: why're you here tommy: i don't have a reason. im just a traveller! techno: then why hole to this terrible village! theres nothing nice here! everyone is terrible and so are you! tommy: hmmmm i dont agree techno: what are you? a child? i thought adults were supposed to know that everyone is mean tommy: mmhmm looks at the bruise on technos face where'd you get that? techno: fight. i won. i'll win against you too! so don't try anything. tommy: of course. i would never win in a fight against a blood god techno, putting down his knife a bit, stars in his eyes: blood god? tommy: grins blood. god. i think she'd like you. techno, muttering: maybe i can give the blood god some of your blood tommy: laughs yeah, she'd defenitly find you intresting tommy: here tosses techno a golden crown at techno, he spawned it in in the moment techno: whats this? tommy: a crown, thought it suit you screams in the distance tommy: huh. i need to go. have fun lil piglin. ruffles technos hair before running off towards the screaming unbeknownst to the pig the blood god was actually the one waiting for the god he met. techno: stares at the crown 

Techno found a pouch of gold in his ‘house’ later that day. he didnt know who left it but it helped him get food for that night. (he kept the crown)

okay but imagine tommy not taking the war seriously at all, and only seeing it as a squabble between mortals, Like toddlers fighting

dream: SURENDER BY TOMMOROW OR WE'LL DECLARE WAR! wilbur: FUCK YOU WE'LL NEVER SURENDER AND JOIN YOUR SMP! Tommy: how cute

tommy doesnt realise that theyre serious until wilbur dies

tommy would usually go apeshit against anyone who dares messes with his humans, but what is he supposed to do when his humans are fighting Eachother?

wilbur: fucking goes insane and dies  tommy: hey- hey can you guys let me talk to wil for a sec? everyone else leaves tommy, unsually somber: sorry i didnt help you i forgot how easily breakable mortals are tommy: this time you wont die, and i'll make it so that you dont break again, okay? tommy: brings wilburs soul out of its body and enters his mindscape ghostbur: wakes up what- where am i? tommy: hi there ghostbur: who are you tommy: i go by a lot of names all, one, you, the world, the universe, god, but you can just call me tommy ghostbur: oh okay. who am i? tommy: you're name was wilbur soot. you were the son of philza minecraft and brother to Technoblade, Tubbo and myself. ghostbur: was? tommy: well you see, you died. ghostbur: oh... well what am i then? tommy: a ghost! well actually its your choice. would you like to continue your existance or fade away with your body? ghostbur: i dont want to fade away! tommy: smiles thats what i thought you'd say stretches his hand to wilbur ghostbur: grabs tommy hand tommy: lets go home

ghostbur doesnt remember that though

he only remembers the good

tommy wont let him remember the bad, what if he breaks again? mortals are so fragile

phil realises what tommy did as soon as he sees ghostbur 

drista, painting tommys nails (there both in god form btw) (after wilburs death btw): tommy shouldn't you of all gods realise how fragile they are?  tommy: i know just... forgot  drista: sighs and nods i get what you mean, especially with the ones we found... they act a lot like gods sometimes i forgot they arent  tommy: ikr? wait- drista here gets drista's hair out of her face you were gonna get it on my nails, anyways, don't judge me. we all know if dream died you would turn him into a ghost too drista: smirks not if you do it first, we all know you would tommy: you say that as if you wouldn't fight me to do it first  drista: .... tommy: ... drista: both of us when he dies? tommy: nods tommy: anyways my turn to do your nails 

or like tommy with ghostbur like

ghostbur: i don't like this :( tommy, a worried brother and god: whats wrong? ghostbur: everyone is mad at me and i d-dont know why- why are they mad at me tommy: theyre mad at something alivebur did ghostbur: b-but im not alivebur sniffs it hurts. i dont like it. tommy: spawns in some blue here ghostbur: whats that? tommy: its some blue! it'll help you not hurt anymore! ghostbur: how does it work? tommy: see how its blue? ghostbur: nods tommy: well its blue because it sucks up all the bad feelings! it'll help ghostbur: !!!!! ghostbur: presses the blue into his chest ghostbur: !!!!its working!!!! :D tommy: smiles good

wilbur fucking died and tommy went from annoying little brother to caring older brother

tommy just wants to help his brother :) though he doesnt realise that not letting ghostbur remember bad memories isnt good

*at logsted shire btw* ghostbur: who are you? tommy, chuckling: did you forget me already ghostbur? ghostbur: i didnt forget you! i think! you're tommy! i just... you're different tommy, looks over at ghostbur: different how? ghostbur: you're not normal are you? tommy: grins whaaaaat? you think im weirdddd? how heartbreaking... my own brother thinks im weird, this is terrible ghostbur: giggles tommy: but really, don't worry about it bur. ghostbur: you sure? tommy: yeah, dont worry about me ghostbur: smiles okay! do you want some blue anyways? tommy: giggles sure! ghostbur: grins

ghostbur isnt worried about tommy

he knows hes strong

phil having to tell tommy that he cant just not let wilbur remember the bad memories

and tommys like "what if he breaks again!" and phil hugs him and tells him to at least ask ghostbur if he wants to remember and tommys like ‘fine’

tommy: hey bur? ghostbur: yeah? tommy: do you like you're memories? ghostbur: i mean, yeah its hard not to when you only remember the good tommy, quietly: would you want to remember the bad? ghostbur: w-what brought this question on tommy: answer the question ghostbur: no- alivebur was badi shouldn't want to- tommy: but what do you want bur? wilbur, silent for a moment: yeah- yeah i do. not that i like the bad memories! they hurt... but i wish i could remember tommy: ... ghostbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? ghostbur, with tears in his eyes: do you think they'd be less mad at me if i could remember, maybe then i could repair my relationships, what the hell am i supposed to do when i dont even remember hurting them? tommy: what if they dont? what if you break again? ghostbur, saltily: we'll maybe i'll be able at least be able to say i know why everyone hates me tommy: i know how to get all of your memories back ghostbur, looks towards tommy in shock: you do??? tommy: nods ghostbur, voice wavering: for how long tommy: since the beginning ghostbur: and you didnt tell me tommy: i did what i thought was best. i just didnt want you to hurt anymore. ghostbur, angrily: WELL THAT CLEARLY WORKED DIDNT IT? tommy: sorry wilbur, sometimes i forget how to handle humans ghostbur: what- tommy: sighs and taps ghostbur on the forehead and ghostbur does the ghost equivilent of passing out tommy: wont hide any memories this time

ghostbur doesnt wake up, instead wilbur wakes up weither thats good or bad we'll see

wilbur, waking up with all his memories: HOLY SHIT TOMMY WASN'T KIDDING phil, who was reading beside the bed tommy placed wilbur into, which was in technos house. yes he broke into technos house with a passed out wilbur. move on.: hm? wilbur: holy shit phil: huh? yeah. wilbur: wait you knew? phil: yeah i recongnized him as soon as i saw him about 5 years ago now? wilbur: excuse me while i freak out because my little brother is an actual god

it really hits wilbur that tommy is a god later

wilbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? wilbur: how fucking old are you? tommy: snorts of course thats the first thing you ask wilbur: well? tommy: i dont really know the exact years since years are kind of a human thing that were invented recently wilbur: they were invented thousands of years ago- tommy: but it was around the beginning of this galaxy wilbur, softly: what the fuck

tommy telling wilbur stories about different heros and villains and different humans he met during his life.

Adsjbffsg what if Tommy made himself blonde and blue eyed and white bc thats hyow the first human he met looked like asjfhsd

and just didnt change that, despite meeting new humans, its just his defult settings.

he would totally do this tho im crying.

drista just based her human form off dream because she is his sister now. he must deal with this. trying disowning me when i look like you BITCH.

thats my take anyways later might continue this