#it wasnt supposed to exist
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well, here's the update to this post:

i finished it at 3am and cried a whole bunch. and not just about the story (which was very good, very tragic, and also very gay) but also the history behind the book and how it shouldn't even exist. i'll be posting a full analysis soon, Though it may take longer than I'd like (I'll be starting my first year as a teacher on Thursday). for now, i'll leave yall with these excerpts.


#this book is truly my prized possession#like#this book is an absolute anomaly#it wasnt supposed to exist#and nothing like it will ever exist again#star trek#star trek novels#spock#jim kirk#spirk#k/s#star trek killing time#all ill say for now is that there are MULTIPLE romeo and juliet parallels in this book#and they are blatantly about kirk and spock
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#hello i love next to normal so so much o need to say this#this musical will forever hold a very very special place in my heart#next to normal#natalie goodman#gabe goodman#originally in this drawing natalie wasnt supposed to jave a reflection#as opposed to gabe who only exists as a reflection#BUT i didnt know how to get it down lol so natalie is real and gets a reflection#as a treat#natalie goodman i will love you forever#art tag
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Assassin's Creed Revelations be like
#remember this meme?#assassins creed#ezio auditore da firenze#altair ibn la'ahad#desmond miles#I’m just joking of course theyre all in misery#sigh#i wish revelations didnt completely retcon altaïr's story and personality so that i could actually enjoy the game#every time he opens his mouth i’m just like… who are you?#it just makes me feel gaslit afjhdhs#it doesn't help that he has a completely different voice as well lol#also WHERE IS MALIK????#and maria suddenly gets fridged just like that???#at least ezio gets his eat pray love arc and finally decides to get ass-ass-out of the ass-ass-ins to enjoy family life#good for him#and desmonds just hangin out#no thoughts head empty#literally not allowed to actually do anything or change at all and put in a coma bc this game wasnt supposed to exist in the first place#dont you just love corporate greed?#sorry this got negative lmao#ac revelations spoilers#i guess???#its been like 15 years
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anyone else soooooo fucking normal and sane
#zero escape#vlr#virtue's last reward#zero escape phi#phi vlr#I KNOW the reasoning of the first one like the rad6 and everything but it still makes me crazy. she still feels that way at one point#something something who else having the most fucked up existence ever#being a double clone who only exists because of an experiment. an accident in a way. she isnt supposed to exist#and her role in the grand scheme of things is largely out of her control. what agency does she have in any of this? to have her body be#cloned and frozen and poisoned and burned and etc etc#im normal#i promise#trevor.txt#tl;dr she makes me insane#girl who is so normal#the point of this is like. highlighting how weird her existence is if it wasnt clear#what she is is not a normal human being. she is a paradox and an experiment and an accident. its iust. a Tad crazy to me#phiposting
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@grinningjackal hit me up the other day regarding pierre and kendis' space thanks to that cool tea infusion ask game. bc i had no space in my romance novelist description of scents, i didn't get to do this. i felt like i wanted to, so i did.
Kendis
I actually already did one for Kendis - technically, and I could have cp'd it but .... I love to cause myself pain. Also, I couldn't find it for a minute but here. I both like and dislike the second middle picture, as for the left second row picture there would be more pizzaz ... probably more color to help with the browns. Probably a carpet like the right one or more fun looking bins. Or both.
Pierre
#aest: twc#aest: pierre lin#aest: kendis crawford louel#... eh ->#inight: twc#if anything even if grandma-core didn't exist i wouldn't place pierre under cottage-core. he would be a more light academia + bright apartm#nt vibe#if i had to pick a category/specific vibe to describe it#i feel the former covers that soft cozy vintage-y vibe with the brightness adding color and keeping it from being so ... sterile [imo]#i like it because it is distinct to how some people might have known him when he was younger and maybe even from how he is as a detective b#t then as you get to really look at it. it's like oh yeah this is definitely an apartment for a book loving genuine stylish ish nice dude#lol#<-#insight: pierre lin#lol.#kendis' apartment if i recall right is more Actual Design Aesthetics lol#something about mid-century modern#the frustration of finding so many gorgeous pics but they were 'ai modified'#i know this will get me shotted -- but i wouldnt be entirely against using them - what is done is done - if i knew it was from products the#store already had or images the photographers gave permission to use. pinterest is wiggly enough as it is re: crediting and tracing now you#wanna make it WORSE??#i mean i suppose it isnt like i ever give credit for images i used for like decorations or outfits but i guess it feels less weird bc i can#image search ...#idk#but hey at least pinterest is finally making notes which pictures are and which arent#tired of straining my already not so great eyes lol#i tried to find looks that would fit for small spaces but ---#and i wasnt gonna spend the day on this#was a fight for my life to find colors that were vibrant but kinda earthy. a whimsical boho maximalist look bc all of it was 'ai modified'#why do you hate me pinterest? what did i do??
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anyway malory towers by enid blyton (and the continuation by pamela cox) was gay as fuck. i thought bill and clarissa were a couple bc even with no knowledge of gay people i knew in my heart they were together. and also alicia was darrell’s gay awakening
#malory towers#the show won’t go there bc byutv isn’t. super lovely ab gay people. and enid blyton certainly wasnt#but those books were really pretty queer#justice for my girl gwendolyn mary lacey you weren’t nice all the time but you didn’t know what expectations existed for yoh#how were you supposed to follow them. especially when everyone hated you
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Every single person surprised by the sexualization of Pop Step is a fucking idiot because what the fuck did you think was happening with Yaoyorozu, Mineta, and Lady Midnight???
#say someone say 'yeah the people who SAed her will get a redemption' LADY MIDNIGHT???#LADY MIDNIGHT WHO HIT ON HIGH SCHOOL BOYS AND GOT A HEROES DEATH#ENDEAVER WHO CANONICALLY RAPED HIS WIFE AND GOT A REDEMPTION#I'm not saying you have to like it but genuinely so fucking genuinely how are you surprised#horikoshi admitted that every time he draws momo her costume gets more revealing#mineta fucking exists#i know fandom ignores him but guys youre literally supposed to like mineta in the show#what the fuck are you on if you thought pop step wasnt gonna get the same treatment#bnha#mha vigilantes#pop step#mine
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Lexember 2024: Day 9
Sorkish
síla [ˈsilæ] n. quiet → silá [sɪˈlɑ] adj. quiet kóqhi- [ˈk͡xɒχɪ] v. draw (from kóqh "line") → kóqhin [ˈk͡xɒχɪn] n. drawing ulní- [ʊlˈni] v. paint (from ulán "colour") → ulnín [ʊlˈnin] n. 1. painting 2. mural
Chytari
cansana [t͡ʃɐnˈsɐɾɐ] n. rest (from can "after" + sana "breath") → cansanaya [t͡ʃɐnsɐˈɾɐjɐ] v. rest kagin [ˈkɐɣin] n. drawing, picture (from Sorkish kóqhin "drawing") → kaginya [kɐˈɣiɲɐ] v. draw unin [ˈuɾin] n. painting, picture (from Sorkish ulnín "painting") → uninya [uˈɾiɲɐ] v. paint
#i genuinely cant get enough of loaning words between my conlangs#chytari may have once been the unplanned child that wasnt even supposed to exist on kélas but here we are#sorkish conlang#chytari conlang#conlanging#conlang#constructed language#conlangs#kélas#lexember#lexember 2024
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...
#ho hum. goodbye to 2024. good riddence i suppose. probably my worst year yet haha#but it wasnt all bad. i learned a lot. experienced a lot.#im doing probably better than i ever have been. probably from the treatment for over controlled coping. along with an awareness#that something has to give or i will literally die. also probably the medication. probably a lot the medication.#and its weird because everything mostly feels normal.#im only sometimes paralyzed by the terror of what it means to die.#even when im living in the shell of a ghost and breathing out haunted words. her phrase are woven within my speech and im wrapped in her#clothing. we're going to erase the data on her locked phone and it will become mine. and my life will be held in the same divice that hers#was held in. and she will dissolve away into the future. seeping away with every second without a body to hold her in thr present#anyway. heres to hoping 2025 is better. heres to hoping i can remain in my program. heres to hoping i can avert my compusive striving for a#perfect that doesnt exist.#and that all our tragedies are behind us. an impossible dream but so it goes.#unrelated
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YAYYYY oc posting :) anyone remember old fnaf fandom days? handing you heavily revamped and redesigned ocs of Vincent and who TECHNICALLY counts as Henry before Henry was even revealed??? >_<

ik the pride flags are a little "modern" for 1998 but idgaf this is for fun and sillies. yapfest in tags my bad
#carn1eposting#art#fnaf art#fnaf ocs#fnaf oc#fnaf vincent#it feels criminal to tag that oml#i wasnt really on tumblr during og fnaf fandom days i was on dA instead. i miss you old dA. i miss you FuzzFoxy rp chatroom#this also counts as an au sort of? vincent is william's nephew in this au and also has a younger brother around michael's age (10-12 diff)#i had originally split vincent and xander (the brother) into like#so xander is kinda more the flirty sexy fanon pg and vincent's more the laid back/depressed “heh... you can't *smirk*” fanon pg#so ig i should add these tags#fnaf au#fnaf fanart#fnaf#fnaf redesign#other oc is almost fully original and doesn't TECHNICALLY belong to me. im more like his foster parent HAHA#his name is gary my bestie at the time (we're still close :3c) made him just bc we wanted to be silly and also we were in like 5th grade#his name is funny. bc i remember it was originally just “Gary Guy”. which was supposed to be a joke calling him “Gay Guy”. he's gay. idk#he was created before the name william was revealed and before henry emily was sort of a existing character in people's minds at the time#we had a separate oc for “phone guy” and it wasn't gary#whoahhhh lore i love lore i used to think about these guys all the time oml LOL#if i hear shit about gary being gay and vincent being a she/they nby and blah blah IDC suck my peanits it literally doesnt matter blow up
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me n my sister spent some time messing around in pokemon channel for the first time in like over probably 10 years and its making me realize a small handful of things. for one, i am a massive fan of virtual pet games and sites and this is probably why. two is that that none of them ever did what pokemon channel did might be why i can never seem to find anything quite similar enough that it fulfills the imagined concept for a virtual pet that im constantly seeking
#i get periodically obsessive over virtual pets as a concept and it usually coincides w stress#something abt my imagined virtual pet game soothes me and if not pokemon channel it simply doesnt exist yet#finding it.... my white whale#nintendogs likely also influenced this. and the ubisoft petz games. and paws and claws pets resort#the last of which being an awful game ive never seen anyone know abt that i was OBSESSED with for a while as a kid#anyway wobbledogs gets close but its still not the imagined game#its good for other reasons#a lot of virtual pet sites are also too collection based. neopets gets it right by being not abt collecting neopets#but also. you still cant interact w your pets the degree i want to....#(i need to get back into neopets i was nonstop abt it last yr but im nervous to return#bc i was in a guild and i def wasnt kicked so ill just have to be. uhmmm hiii haha sorry its been 7 months#not that it was a job but im just not ready...)#anyway theres def a nostalgia factor to why i like pokemon channel so much but i do think its set up#is smth i hardly ever see... not having to care for the needs of ur pet but still#having a well rounded way of interacting w them... its good#i like feeding virtual pets like its cute but i get stressed when i have to keep with it consistently#cus then ill inevitably miss a day and feel awful or ill wait too long#and it makes me dread playing again and put it off cus i know ive got too much to catch up on#that said i dont believe theyll ever remake pokemon channel. it could only exist in the time it did#if they tried to make it again theyd try to modernize it bc that was a huge factor in the original#that it wasnt supposed to be old concepts. sticking to that look wouldnt make sense for the pkmn company#also considering i never see anyone mention it i get the feeling it wouldnt be profitable enough#at least pokemon snap had some dedicated fans#i mean my sister and i's enjoyment is also likely largely nostalgia... but i think ot has a lovely charm#that pikachus always up to things and interacting w tables and tossing himself at the player and hitting the tv#its great. it has a lot of charm. i hope of not the pkmn company that someone does smth similar in the future#not necessarily w the older media look but just this sorta pet game#i also think ppl underestimate the importance of minigames in these things hehe...
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Okay, but Three babysitting Kate. HOW did Three end up babysitting Kate? Did he just find her in the Brig's office when she was having a sick day, pop her the cure for common cold in the form of space tic tacs, then offer to show her all the forbidden Science Labs because he's a chaos gremlin? Did the Brig suddenly realise that it was his anniversary and swear up a storm trying to sort out restaurant reservations and find a baby sitter and Three just. Volunteered cheerfully and the Brig said yes and only realises what he'd done about half an hour later?
#i know canonically speaking 12 is supposed to be the first dr who met kate#but lbr thats because Kate wasnt invented until 12's run#and if Nicholas Courtney hadnt passed away im not sure she would exist#WHICH MEANS I CAN REWRITE CANON TO SAY THAT THE THIRD DOCTOR BABY SAT HER IF I WANT#timelines arent real in that show anyway
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Ugh episode 10 was good. Why can't it just be good all the time
#it had the pacing + the character-focus most of the season has been missing#if anything... it feels a little late in the game#but i suppose luthen is a big character and if it wasnt dropping in chunks there would still be 2 weeks left#i just... andor has good characters#idk why they havent utilized that as much in s2 as they did in s1#the plot-focused approach is probably a lot of why the characterization has been so off too#letting the characters exist as who they are naturally versus molding them to the plot#andor#andor spoilers#flythepost
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remember that theory on the nct dreamverse about jisung forcing the members to stay with him on this imaginary realm/time loop/dream so he wouldnt be alone........ im starting to think its true... bro looks sus af in these new teasers because whats this ??
and like this is not even his first time breaking the 4th wall......
thats: chewing gum, joy, synchronization of dreams and rainbow.
bonus: (its very long, sorry)
the video NCTmentary EP3. Empathy is literally about how the dreamies are conected to each other thru dreams. and theres a scene where jisung says "last night i had a dream"
and then we get jaemin saying he had the same dream as jisung and that he thinks he was "lured by something" and felt like he was "wrapped in smoke", which is interesting because the other dreamies talk about how they think they saw each other in their dreams but none of them say they were actually there or lured by something (none of the other dreamies shared a dream with jisung, just jaemin).
also !! when the members talk about the dreams they had about each other they are together in reality, but jisung is the only one thats alone on a room writing about it on his diary instead of actually talking to someone (another member or the camera).
when jaemin talks about his dream with jisung, jisung is also not there, and the scene we see of them together are the scenes of the dream (theyre wrapped in smoke). so jisung is never seen with the members in the real word.
and then on EP.4 Synchronization of Dreams is when we get this scene
the full scene shows jisung entering the room, the rest of the dreamies were already there watching the tv not moving at all.
on DREAM LOOP : The Last Midnight #1, jisung is the only member that immeditely assumes theyre trapped on a dream, with little to no proof, he just remembers (and we see someone kept a diary, im sure it was him, again) and he's the one to tell the members "i think we're locked in here"
on EP5. Back to the Reality, they explain to us that reality is "a world with limits" and so the dream lab was "created to break these limits in reality". they also say one of the stages they can reach its called "dream in a dream" where "the dream can influence reality".
now we get kun telling us about a dream he had where he saw a door and we get these scenes:
thats jisung !!!! on the inside of the dream door !! like-
which is something we ALSO get to see on EP3. Empathy, while hes writing about his dream on his diary (he's the only member ever shown by the door):
and when the narrator explains how to come back to reality they show a bit of jisungs dream with the smoke but this time is on reverse, as in deleting all their progress.
NOW all of those are actual canon events on the nct universe so whats the theory.
theres a lot of versions of the same thing but they all conclude the same: jisung doesnt want the members to leave this imaginary realm/time loop/dream theyre trapped in.
why ? the main theories ive seen are:
-the dreamies are not real and jisung made them up as imaginary friends but this dream in a dream state that can influence reality made them lowkey real ?? but they dont exist in the real word so to leave the dream world would mean to lose them.
-the dreamies died and jisung has them trapped on a loop where they dont get to ever die. jisung can come in and out of the loop/dream but the members cant.
in every version of the dream in which the members are aware that theyre trapped, they want to leave. either because they don't know what would happen if they do or because they just want jisung to let go and get to have a real life without them.
at the end of DREAM LOOP : The Last Midnight #2, the members solve all the puzzles to get out of the loop correctly but right after they leave the dream world thru the door the day starts again with jisung saying theyre trapped on a loop.
this implies jisung is succesfully controling the realities where the members exist and that even if he reveals to the dreamies that they are trapped in a dream, they still wont be able to leave.
so jisung is using the dream lab to break the limits of reality by keeping the members trapped because they wouldnt exists if not for this.
and then i think all the different universes we've been seeing the members go thru as 7DREAM (like all the chapters of DREAM-VERSE or Production : Stranger Seven) are realities jisung is making up to keep the members together forever, but it probably gets more and more difficult each time.
maybe we get to see them scape this comeback ?? i mean its literally called [DREAM( )SCAPE].................
cant wait to see the scape films ! 5 chapters !!
wait i cant believe they posted one of the new teasers while i was writing this lmao
youtube
i love it here !!!!!! this is so good !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#nct dream#theory#comeback#kpop#jisung#nct#dreamverse#dream scape#dreams#i know this is probably not real#like i do not think SM has been planning this shit since chewing gum#not when this unit wasnt even suppose to exist today.....#but its still fun#i love theories#and i love playing with reality#alternative universes#fate#destiny#the red string of life#and im sure jisung would love this too heh#renjun#chenle#mark#haechan#jeno#jaemin#Youtube
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fuckd up my stupidity and shit memory ruin everything but at the exact same time being dumb and forgetting about things is the only way for me to be able to stay existing w everything . im so filled w fear theres no room for barely angthing to fit and it makes me such a bad person

#its all against my will its just. how it is#will my anxiety leave me in an agonizng loop of rumination or will my goldfish brain lose all including mundane (but very important) things#i dont know how to be a person and i never have and maybe because of tjat im not meant to be#i wasnt built to be and its becoming more and more clear#i can exist but ill never be what im supposed to#the parts arent there#genuinely stunted i think#i just wish i could have a place regardless#i want to fit#i want safety#i want to be allwed to care i want the right to be a person even though im not and never will be#but i feel like all i do is prove why i dont deserve that#doesnt make me stop yearning for it but it does crank up the shame to level 3930202#i am so tainted n dirty i dont know how to become deserving of it#anyway . bedtime
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rotating noelle around in my brain. i need the dess raises kris au to be real RIGHT NOW.
please talk to me about the dess raises kris au i think im gonna explode. also start writing it this summer maybe :3333
#chatter#drkau#posts that need context. basically despite being called 'dess raises kris' neither dess nor kris show up for the first arc of the story lol#it would cover dark worlds 1 + 2 + 3 which i would make up#and its about noelle susie and ralsei being the three closing dark worlds and becoming besties#BUT ALSO so ive always worried id never be as excited about noelle as kris#n thus do her poorly when shes literally like one of the main protagonists#BUT NO. IM GOOD NOW. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IM GONNA DO WITH HER#what do you do when your entire family has been defined by a grief you dont feel. by the death of a sister and friend you dont remember#what do you do when their grief shapes the form of your life and you keep bucking against it#because now youre the baby of the family and everything is On You#and you finally FINALLY find somewhere where you can maybe be someone#only to find out that that world never wanted you either. that world wasnt ever supposed to exist for you#what the fuck are you supposed to do#ANYWAYS NOELLE HOLIDAY-DREEMURR....NOELLE HOLIDAY-DREEMURR I LOVE YOU.....#(ps yes she gets a hyphenated name i wonder what might lead to this....)#(pps no i dont know what kris's last name is in this au skull emoji#chara would take dess's when they get married but dess wouldnt keep holiday (or let kris keep dreemurr)#cause she did. technically. kidnap them oops)#ANYWAYS IM SO NORMAL ABOUT THIS AU LITERALLY SHAKING IT AROUND LIKE A DOG WITH A CHEW TOY
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