#it’s been a while since i was actually affected by a celebrity death but this one got me

[chameleon66]

Hazbin Hotel Baxter theories

Introduction

As many Hazbin hotel fans have been patiently waiting for season two to be released, Vivizepop gave us a sneak peak at an unfinished scene at the San Diego comic con that’s going to be in season two.

And in that scene we are introduced to a new character, Baxter. Baxter actually used to be part of the main cast for Hazbin hotel (Back in the Zoophobia days) before his role in the show was given to Sir Pentious. So in this post I’m going to discuss some possible theories for what Baxter’s role in the series might be, how his prescenes will affect the rest of the cast and the storyline, and what we know about him so far.

Chapter #1 Who’s Baxter?

In the clip we are shown that Baxter is a scientist who came to the hotel not looking for redemption but to study the idea of redemption, he claims that he doesn’t believe redemption is actually a thing that can happen so that’s why he came to the hotel.

Baxter first appeared in the Hazbin Hotel Pilot, however only his silhouette was shown. Then in the season one, episode two Radio Killed the Video Star we see him on one of Vox’s screens. Keep this clip in mind because we’re gonna come back to it later. Then we see him Cameo again in the Season one finale, the show must go on. Where he is watching the news about how the extermination was canceled. So his character is yet to be formally introduced to us but that doesn’t mean we don’t know anything about him.

According to the Hazbin Hotel Wiki, we have some information that has been revealed through posts, livestreams and others I’m pretty sure fans just made up, so take some of these with a grain of salt. Also keep some of them in mind because we’re gonna be coming back to them a little later.

Baxter appears to be an Angler fish sinner since he has a very dark and muted color palette with the occasional pop of bright colors like teal, yellow, or red which are commonly seen on ocean predators who live in deep parts of the ocean. Also according to Faustisse Baxter also has an underbite referencing another trait that’s common among Angler fish. Baxter also has fish like finns on the sides of his head and an esca (That thing Angler fish have on their head that light’s up to attract their prey). Like what was seen in Finding Nemo. One theory I’ve heard a few times is that Baxter might be trans since in real life, only female Angler fish have an esca. I would like to see this because 1. It seems like it would be good representation for the transgender community and 2. It would really add some depth to his character.

I’m not sure how high the chances are that Baxter is actually Trandsgender or if we’ll even get it confirmed within the show or by one of the cast or crew members but regardless I think it is a good concept for his character that may happen. I mean we already got one canonically confirmed within the Hellaverse. When in Hazbin Hotel’s sister show, Helluva boss, we were introduced to Sallie Mae, Millie’s older sister.

Fans first guessed she was transgender when they noticed her horns. In Imps in Helluva Boss, males have black and white horns with equal sized bands of each color while the females have black horns with smaller white bands but Sallie’s horns are of that of male variety so that was what first made fans believed she was a transgender women, Then in June of this year to celebrate pride month they released this piece of merchandise with the whole cast and decked out in pride flags which confirmed many of the characters sexualities. One of which being Sallie Mae who in that art was confirmed to be not only a lesbian but also Transgender. So the point here is since they already got one character who is confirmed to be transgender, another one probably isn’t out of the question. Ok back to Baxter.

Baxter was previously said to have died on the titanic however this was later changed because Vivzie didn’t want any real life events tied to characters death (especially tragic one to avoid coming off as insensitive), so it’s now said that Baxter died in a large boat that sank in the 1910s and officially the main cause of death was drowning which probably contributed to his aquatic demon sinner form.

It said on the wiki Baxter likes Science, Laboratories, and mad science experiments. But he dislikes being touched, this could imply he’s touch averse, touch starved, or maybe he just isn't comfortable with physical contact. It’s yet to be confirmed if he will have a laboratory in the hotel but I think he might just turn his room into one when he stays at the hotel. Personality wise Baxter’s personality is said to still be in development but Vivize likens him to the character Myron Reducto from the show Hervey Birdman in his mannerisms. He is screechy, neurotic, fidgety, anti-social “gremlin” and an all-round mess. He is introverted and wanted nothing to do with anyone preferring to do science alone in peace. I have a feeling that as soon as we are introduced to Baxter in the show he’s gonna automatically become a fan favorite, he just has all of the traits. Now we’ve gotten to know Baxter a little bit better it’s time to discuss him and what he’s gonna bring to the series.

Chapter #2 Charlie and Baxter

Charlie is ecstatic to have another guest staying at the hotel but she is definitely still trying to heal from losing Sir Pentious in the battle. Because it’s pretty clear she’s kind of labeling Baxter as a replacement for Sir Pentious due to them having shared characteristics, such as being Inventors/Scientists, having very old school styles of dressing, having quite similar mannerisms/ hand gestures while talking to people, and they honestly kind of sound similar too. (But that may be just a me thing)

Charlie has also made this clear because even after Baxter tells Charlie his name she continues to call him Pentious, albeit by accident but the point still stands. This could become a plot point where Charlie continues to treat Baxter like he’s Sir Pentious and this makes Baxter upset until he most likely snaps at her and she’s forced to finally deal with her grief over losing Sir Pentious. Which Charlie may be trying to hide because she wants to be a strong leader for everyone else during this difficult and confusing time but while she’s allowing everyone to dump their feelings and problems onto her while she’s continuously being forced to hold her tongue and play therapist for everyone. Husk really was right there. “Princess, is a bleeding heart who wants to solve everyone else’s problems except her own.” - Husk, Season one, episode four, Masquerade.

I mean, don’t get me wrong here. No one in the hotel is completely okay. They’re all got problems, trauma, and insecurities. But trying to help others improve themselves and get through hard times is no excuse for Charlie to be neglecting her own needs. And I think that with Baxter joining the crew at the hotel, it’s really going to bring Charlie’s problems to light.

Chapter #3 Sir Pentious and Baxter’s connection

We also learn in the clip he has a connection to Sir Pentious somehow, as when Charlie mentions him in the sneak peek clip, He says that he’s nothing like him and calls him “A pompous snake”. This means the two sinners knew each other, that feels likely since both of them are Inventors/Scientists who died around similar times.

I have seen this one idea floating around the internet that Baxter was actually the one who helped Pentious create his Egg Boiz which would make since Baxter called himself a mad scientist and in a lot of cases mad scientists try and create life through their experiments and we’ve seen that Baxter actually has a bag will crab eyes and legs which is pretty likely he created. And it feels unlikely Pentious would have created the Egg Boiz on his own because he had always been portrayed working with machinery and steampunk kind of equipment; we've never seen him create anything living, so that means he at the very least probably had some help creating his henchmen. It’s also confirmed in the Finale that at least one of the Egg Boiz still remains in Hell after the battle in which Sir Pentious and what seems to be many of the Egg Boiz died in too. So maybe that remaining Egg Boi will recognize Baxter and spill some information about him to the rest of the cast. Since it has been shown they have a habit of spilling information they weren’t supposed to, as we saw in the season one, episode three, Scrambled Eggs.

An idea I had was that Sir Pentious and Baxter were rivals that maybe used to be lab partners but then had a falling out for whatever reason. It was confirmed we would see more of Sir Pentious’s past so that could mean we could see what the connection is between him and Baxter. Another idea here is that after Baxter hits his limit of Charlie constantly making him the replacement for Sir Pentious he reveals what happened between him and Sir Pentious in some kind of dramatic flashback or maybe even a musical number (Now that would be fun to watch).

Chapter #4 Baxter’s love interest?

Another character in Hazbin hotel I think will become close with Baxter is Nifty. I’ve seen a few posts online where Baxter and Nifty are being shipped together. Personally I think the Ship is very cute, but since we haven’t seen much of Baxter yet there isn’t much ground for a relationship to be built on. But There is some evidence out there to suggest that Nifty and Baxter might have a romantic relationship with each other within the show.

Back in the pilot days of Hazbin Hotel Vivziepop used to draw Nifty and Baxter together during livestreams and in one she even drew them sharing a milkshake together with Nifty not so subtly staring at Baxter. Keep in mind before Baxter was going to have Sir Pentious’s role in the series and Nifty during the episode Pentious was introduced in was infatuated by him but by the end of the episode she’s over him because she learns he’s not “A bad boy”. Throughout the show Nifty has been shown to have a thing for bad boys. Baxter is much more rebellious than Sir Pentious ever was and with Nifty’s track record it wouldn’t surprise me if she was attracted to him.

Baxter on the other hand would probably be a little less cheerful towards Nifty, since he’s not very social and prefers to be on his own. Nifty however couldn’t be more different in that sense. She’s shown to enjoy being in the company of people regardless of who she’s with in most circumstances. I can see a sort of HuskerDust dynamic here, with Nifty constantly bugging Baxter to try and get his attention while Baxter is just annoyed with her continuous antics.

However that being said, I think Baxter and Nifty could actually make a great match. Because while they are very different from each other they also have things in common. Like both enjoying doing experiments though Baxter’s are probably less chaotic and more scientific, they both are labeled as “Gremlins”, and appearance wise they are both two of the shortest members of the cast. I honestly can see a sort of scenario where Nifty as a show of her affection towards Baxter giving him some kind of dead insects or animal that she killed maybe and instead of getting grossed or weirded out like everyone else does with her, he’d be curious and ask her if she’d be okay if he did some kind of experiment on it and then she’d just get all excited and gleefully follow him to his lab to watch him work. Maybe I need to write this later as a short Fanfic, would you guys be interested in seeing that? Let me know.

Anyway, Nifty and Baxter have the potential to have a very cool dynamic whether as a couple or as just friends and it also gives us some potential to see Nifty developed more since so far in the show she’s been only portrayed as the maniac maid in the hotel and as comic relief which works great but I think some depth to her character could make her that much better. Some dynamics/Tropes I could see them having included. Opposites attract, We’re not so different after all, Pure looking (But super shady) x Scary looking (But is actually a softie), Chaotic baddie x Sweet baddie, Energetic x Serious, and Mad scientist duo.

Chapter #5 Alastor and Baxter

Of course we’re talking about Alastor here. It wouldn’t be A Hazbin Hotel analysis/theory if we didn’t talk about Alastor. Alastor is a fan favorite within the fandom and it’s not hard to see why, he’s entertaining, funny, and has a lot of mystery about him. Something for everyone within the fandom to enjoy. I has been said we’re going to see more of Alastor’s past in season two which I think is going to give us more insight into his intentions, because right now it’s clear he’s playing a bigger game than he’s letting on but he also has his own little deal that he’s not letting anyone else no about and if you mention it bad things happen. Just ask Husk. (Play the scene here)

Alastor in the finale loses his fight to Adam and afterwards has a mental breakdown where he’s singing in riddles and not giving us exact answers because of course not they don’t wanna make things too easy for us to figure out. Alastor is clearly shaken up and is now definitely looking to speed things up in his plan and break his contract with whoever’s leash he’s on. But he also is still going to have to keep up appearances by helping Charlie with the hotel and keeping his listeners convinced he’s the almighty radio demon. And Baxter might just be involved in his plan, either as an ally or as an hindrance depending on which way everything goes in. Let’s break it down.

Alastor likes to have control with what’s going around him including with the people, that’s one of the main reasons he makes deals with people, to ensure he’s the one with the power. With the arrival of a new face in the hotel Alastor is probably eager to see what he can get out of Baxter. Since that’s something Alastor does with people too, he doesn’t just keep someone around for nothing, most times it’s either to get something from them or just to keep up appearance as a “Nice guy”

One of my speculations comes from a moment in the finale. When Alastor’s staff breaks in his fight with Adam, then we see him have his solo in the finale song and his staff is still shown to be broken. Then he comes in at the end of the song he doesn’t have it with him. Now we aren’t exactly how Alastor’s staff works in the pilot its shown to be alive which I’m not sure is still a thing but I think it’s a pretty safe bet that Alastor probably can’t fix it on his own since if he could’ve he probably would have before he returned to the main group to wrap up the song. So maybe after Alastor realizes that Baxter is quite intelligent, he goes to him to see if Baxter could possibly repair his staff for him, which Baxter might do as part of a deal they make for whatever hopefully plot relevant reason, because Alastor threatened him to do so, or maybe just out of mutual respect.

Because I think Baxter and Alastor might become relatively close with each other. I’m not saying they’ll be friends but they might come to some kind of partnership or alliance for both of their benefits. It could start with Nifty telling Alastor about Baxter (Since it’s been shown the two are actually kind of close with each other, though with Alastor it could be all fake) which could bring Alastor to the idea to make use of having Baxter around the hotel but then Alastor come to realize he actually doesn’t mind Baxter as much as everyone else in the hotel. Think about it, everyone in the hotel wants to become closer with each other and Alastor is usually having none of it. Since he likes to keep his cards close to his chest as they say. Especially with more bubbly and cheerful characters like Charlie, Nifty, and Frank around the hotel always trying to get closer to Alastor and figure him out. Even with less cheery characters like Angel, Husk, and Vaggie they all are kind of trying to figure Alastor out and get a read on him. I can imagine Alastor getting sick of all this but of course not directly saying it to any of them under most circumstances to keep up appearances with characters who he has trust with.

Alastor might find Baxter to be a refreshing change since he’s said to be very introverted and prefers to work alone. Baxter reads to me as the kind of guy who won’t bother you as long as you don’t bother him, Alastor could find this nice and see that Baxter has the potential to be a good ally. But at the same time, Alastor could also view Baxter as a threat to his plan and try to bring Baxter down in whatever way he can. Which brings me to my next speculation.

Chapter #6 Why did Baxter come to the Hotel?

Everyone in the hotel came to the hotel for a reason whether they claim something different or otherwise. Vaggie is there to support her girlfriend, Lucifer is there to support his daughter, Angel Dust claims to be staying there so he had somewhere to live where he didn’t have to pay rent but to me he’s there to try and redeem himself so he can try and break his contract with Valintino, Husk and Nifty came because of Alastor, and Alastor claimed to come there for the entertainment and to help Charlie succeed, though no one there is completely buying that story. Baxter claimed that he came to the hotel to study redemption but I’m not going to take that claim at face value because there is some evidence to push that Baxter isn’t there just to experiment with the idea of redemption but to also hide from something or rather someone.

We’ve been told that the Vees are going to be major antagonists in season two, we aren’t sure what they’re plan is but it’s clear they’ve now got their heads in the game. Now here’s the big speculation that I’m honestly surprised hasn’t been talked about more. What if Baxter used to work for the vees, specifically Vox. Now at first this might feel like a stretch but if you take a step back then it actually makes sense within the show. Remember that clip from season one episode two I wanted you to remember for later, well now it's time to discuss it.

In the clip of Vox spying on everyone we see Baxter on one of Vox’s screen and he appears to be in a place very similar to The Vee’s meeting place which we see in the same episode, now there’s no way to confirm it’s the Vee’s meeting place but you can't deny the similar wall coloring and the how similar the chairs look. Baxter also seems to fit the bill for a person who’d work for Vox because he has the dark and muted base colors with the brighter blue and red accents on him. Much like Vox and his other employees that we’ve seen. Baxter is also a sinner based on an aquatic life which also fits with Vox’s theme since we’ve seen Vox’s employees such as one that appears to be his assistant and he has a tail which looks similar to that of an axolotl or maybe a sting rays, either way it definitely looks like some kind of aquatic animal’s tail to me. This also fits with Vox because in his lair he has a giant tank where he has several of what look to be sharks but maybe some Hell mutation of them. To me it wouldn’t be to far fetched if maybe Baxter used to work as part of the science department at Vox tech, we haven’t heard of him doing much tech related work but that could be because we haven’t been introduced to him yet officially in the show and he very well may be versatile in his work with science.

Ok let’s entertain the idea that Bxter used to work for Vox and by extension the other Vees. What would that mean for the sake of the plot and storyline? It could be like the other case where the Vees sent sir Pentious to the hotel to act as a man on the inside to gather information on Alastor. But this doesn’t feel very likely to me. 1. Because the Vees probably wouldn’t be dumb enough to try doing the same thing twice, 2. The writer’s of the show probably wouldn’t be as uncreative to reuse the same idea twice for very similar characters. So why else would Baxter be at the hotel in this hypothetical scenario where he used to work for the Vees? Maybe it will help if we first try and figure out why Baxter no longer works for the Vees.

Because we can already rule out that Vox fired him, because let’s be real here. If the Vox wanted to fire Baxter he would use real fire, that and/or Baxter wouldn’t make it out alive. Since They themselves have said to shoot the lowest earners among their employees. So it’s likely the Vees didn’t willingly let Baxter go. It’s also pretty much known that The Vee’s own their Employees souls like all overlords, It’s pretty likely that if Baxter did work for Vox at some point then Vox would have owned his soul too. And if Vox has the same style as Valintino then he would have his employees sign a contract that confirms they own their soul or something along those lines. Maybe Vox just didn’t read his own terms and conditions and Baxter found a loophole somewhere in his contract that broke his deal with Vox setting him free. This doesn’t feel out of character for Vox because unlike Alastor he isn’t always looking at the bigger picture, rather he just tunnel visions onto one single thing and then the rest of the details just fly under his radar.

Baxter's motivation for breaking his contract with Vox isn’t too hard to figure out either, it’s pretty clear the Vee’s aren’t the best people and treat their employees horribly so it’d probably push Baxter to his breaking point and make him want to be free from them. What happened could be that after Sir Pentious and Baxter had their falling out, Baxter began to fall on hard times and when Vox found him and wanted to hire he probably immediately took the chance not knowing the risks of doing so. It’s a pretty common tactic among Overlords in Hell like people in real life to target people when they are most desperate or in vulnerable positions because they’re more likely to agree to whatever you want them to.

Now obviously the Vee’s (More specifically Vox) probably wouldn’t like that Baxter tricked them out of his contract so they’d probably want to get him back or eliminate him entirely to eliminate the risk of him telling the press about how horribly they treat the people who work for them or just how bad they are in general, which the only reason their current employees probably don’t do that is because they’re bound by contract. But Baxter isn’t, not anymore at least. So let’s say Baxter is now on the run, he’d definitely need somewhere else to stay and that’s why Baxter really came to the Hotel, think about it. There are a lot of powerful people in the hotel like Charlie, Alastor and even Lucifer himself so by putting himself next to some of the most powerful people in Hell now makes him have a protective wall around him because now that he’s a resident at the hotel everyone else is now obligated to protect him from the Vees. And as we learned from Angel dust he doesn’t even have to pay them to live there.

But now this creates another problem for Baxter, now that he’s living in the same place Sir Pentious used to live and we know how things went for Sir Pentious. Imagine what would happen if someone. Anyone in the hotel found out he had ties to the Vees, even if he uses the past tense it’ll look all too suspicious especially after what happened with Sir Pentious, the people at the hotel know that the Vees are known to do this kind of thing. But Baxter now doesn't work for them anymore in this scenario. Which he can use to try and convince the others they're wrong but it’s not guaranteed to work. Especially taking into account one specific character. I’ll give you a hint, his name starts with an A and ends with a Lastor. In case you don’t get it, that’s Alastor.

Chapter #7 The betrayal?

Now there’s a lot of Potential in this scenario if Alastor finds out Baxter used to work for Vees and by extension Vox. Since they’re rivals and while Alastor wasn’t very phased when Vox tried to pull this trick the first time, imagine it the second time after all of the events that happened. Alastor realizing he’s not the most powerful piece on the board and he can be bested, Alastor taking a liking to Baxter and asking him to repair his staff for him. Even if it wasn't at the front of his head, Alastor was likely building a connection to Baxter and maybe even a little trust. But now that he finds out about Baxter’s past with working for Vox, his enemy. Alastor is automatically going to assume that this a part in some grand scheme from Vox to takeover and possibly even end him. And after that confidence hit he took from Adam he’s going to be feeling extra defensive about himself and his safety.

Baxter would either be kicked out of the hotel or at the very least put on some kind of parol or house arrest in the hotel and since no one would really be sure if they can trust him. Meanwhile Nifty can be forced away from Baxter by Alastor because he wants to protect her, again we are not sure if Alastor genuinely cares for Nifty or she is just another pawn in his game. But either way Alastor could want as little to do with Baxter as a way to protect himself and his own plan, whatever that may be. And what do you know? You’ve got yourself a good old star crossed lovers story between Nifty and Baxter. This literally writes itself.

Chapter 8 The conclusion

To wrap this all up, I want to say that Baxter has the potential to be a key character in Hazbin hotel and whether or not any of my predictions, theories, or analyses come true. I’m sure Baxter is going to be a great addition to the cast of Hazbin Hotel.

Chapter #9 Bonus stuff

Wow, you’re still reading. I’m impressed. I was convinced no one would read this whole thing because of how long it is. So Thank you for reading my weird jumble of thoughts related to one of my biggest current hyperfixations. And now as a reward for making it this far, I give to you some random headcanons about Baxter that I just came up with or found on tumblr or other online platforms with but couldn’t find a way to fit into my predictions/theories. Enjoy.

Baxter headcanons

- Introverted as hell; mostly because he finds people confusing and hard to deal with, or people will find him off putting or weird and make fun of him for really just being himself. So for him it’s just easier to be on his own and maybe kind of lonely then have to put up with people he finds annoying.

- He has built up an immunity to several different types of poison and drugs while testing various concoctions of his and now enjoys the taste of some.

- If you’re nice and respectful towards him there is a much higher chance of him saying yes to doing something for you (Maybe why he agreed to help Alastor fix his staff).

- His hearing is a little impaired due to all of the explosions he’s been in from his experiments.

- Was most likely sent to Hell because he had no value for life and is willing to cross a lot of moral gray areas in his experiments.

- By extension of that, due to his analytical views and unsympathetic mindset, when asked what his favorite color is he’ll say “Morally gray” just because he finds other people’s reactions humorous.

- Would probably try to use the other residents of the hotel as test subject for his experiments before probably being stopped by Vaggie, the only person in the hotel who’d let him do experiments on would probably be Nifty (Because she’s got the hots for him and she’s a tiny bit psychotic).

- Whenever he gets an idea or realizes something his esca lights up (Like the old visualization or a light bulb lighting up above someone’s head when they get an idea).

- He also uses his esca as a headlight for when he’s reading or working.

- Does not understand the appeal of Angel Dust’s movies because of how there’s literally no characters, plot, or storyline established throughout any of them and he’s a Demisexual (I do not see this sexuality used enough in characters).

- Baxter doesn’t like drinking alcohol because he hates the feeling of his head not being on straight.

- He has developed something of a sixth sense for when someone’s about to touch something in his lab and will just say “Don’t touch that” with the most monotone voice to whoever is in his lab.

- Baxters crab carry on bag we saw in the teaser clip is named Clemmy.

- Sometimes lisps his Hs when talking because of the sounds anglerfish make. (I actually listened to a recording of anglerfish sounds before and they legitimately sound like underwater zombies)

-After going through various posts on Tumblr I have given the ship name, NeedleFish to Baxter x Nifty. (Credit to dolliezilla)

- Nifty calls him fishy as a term of endearment.

- Baxter has the worst vision without his glasses that he made for himself (Real angler fish are blind). Without his glasses he’ll bump into every and anything or anyone, cannot read anything, and he’ll trip over any obvious obstacle in his way.

- He’s a manners boy, he always calls everyone mister/miss, asks permission to leave the dinner table, and says “Please” and “Thank you” all the time.

-Baxter learned morse code when he was alive and since he’s pretty sure no one else in the hotel knows morse code, sometimes during group conversations he’ll tap his finger on some kind of surface and make comments about whoever he’s with. (But then later on Alastor figures out he does this and teaches himself morse code so he can translate what he’s saying, and honestly he just finds Baxter’s analyses of everyone to be hilarious).

Author’s note: So it's been a longtime since I’ve posted something this long and for that I am the sorriest. I’ve been going through a tough time lately and I didn;t have any motivation for a long while to write anything more than incorrect quotes. I promise I will upload a new Fanfic soon, but please let me know what you think of my theories/predictions/analysis and feel free to correct me anywhere if I made a mistake or to add your own thoughts into this one sided conversation. Thank you guys for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day/night/anything else.

[look-at-the-soul]

Ain’t she sweet

Tommy Shelby x reader

Master list

✨I had this idea for a while going around my mind, and even though I’m still in jail time, it was the perfect time to finally write this down. Actually this idea was meant to happen in The Photoshoot, but you know me… if I don’t use something in a story, I will make it fit into another one ☺️😉

Dear Val @notyour-valentine congratulations on your 1K celebration followers!!!!! I’m so happy you reached that goal and I’m still keeping some of your stories on my to-read list. 💖

🌙🌘I chose this incredible theme A forever memory

“How was school, Charlie?” You tried to make small talk with Tommy’s son, he had been very quiet, looking out the window. His attitude was screaming he rather walk back home than be with you inside the car.

After a loud sigh he answered; “Good.” You could even bet he was rolling his eyes at you so you decided to stop bothering him.

The trip back home was long and quiet, he got upset because you went to pick him up instead of his aunt Pol like she usually did. Tommy had asked you as a favor because his aunt wasn’t available that day, neither was Ada, so Charlie didn’t really have much choice there.

His cold attitude towards you wasn’t something new, ever since he found out his mother was killed because he accidentally heard his uncles Arthur and John talking about it. He refused to talk to anyone for days, and when he finally did, Charlie asked lots of questions no one could really answer, even Polly couldn’t reach to the boy. And then, he deliberately started to ignore you, he constantly interrupted while you were talking to Tommy, stormed into his room or office without knocking first -and almost caught the two of you making out twice-, he even told Polly once he wished it was you the one that got shot instead of his mum. You didn’t even know Tommy back then.

Tommy practically gave up on him, too busy with the family business and well the general danger surrounding him, he eventually got tired of explaining Charlie it wasn’t your fault his mother was killed. You even gave up to the little hope of the kid changing his mind about you, since in his mind, you were the enemy.

You tried several times to get close to him, and every single time, Charlie rejected any way of affection that came from you, any present was left unopened, when you tried to congratulate him, he turned his back at you… and the list could keep going.

But you wanted to keep trying for Tommy, and deep down, you adored Charlie, he was an incredible kid, you understood growing up without his mother wasn’t something easy, you actually wanted Tommy to be closer to his son, wanted them to have a relationship based on love and trust yet, you understood Tommy’s reasons to be strict, he even struggled himself for his late wife’s death. And he also suffered for being in the middle, between your love and his son’s.

You saw Frances opening the door as the car reached Arrow’s House entrance.

“I’m going out to play with my cars.” Charlie announced, probably to Frances and rushed past you.

Ruffling his hair, you gently suggested: “How about we have lunch first, then homework and later we can play outside?”

You never noticed Tommy coming out from his office just as Charlie yelled at you:

“You don’t get to tell me what to do! You’re not my mum!” He ran off upstairs, not even stopped to say hello to his dad.

A heavy silence filled the room as you felt the pain caused by his words like a hot, sharp knife, slicing through your heart.

“Charles Shelby, come back in this moment!” Tommy barked as the boy reached the last step to then disappear in the hall of the second floor. He tried to go after his son, but you stopped him.

“Leave it, please.” When you saw Tommy’s angry expression you pleaded again. “I don’t want you to start a war.” Frances discretely had left you alone. “Besides, he is right… I am not his mother.” You added in a low voice, your head down as you walked to the kitchen.

Tommy stayed there in the middle, between his fiancé in the kitchen and his son upstairs. Torn between comforting one or grounding the other.

Something shattering in the kitchen made him choose the first one.

The glass pan you used that morning to bake a cake was on the floor broken and mixed with the smashed cake. Frances saw it slipping from your hands.

Hands shaking, you were frozen in spot. Unable to keep holding the tears as you heard Charlie’s words over and over in your mind. No matter how hard you tried, he would never accept you. Picking up a piece of cake, Tommy rushed next to you as you were about to cut your hand.

“I got it love.” He moved you with a gently voice. But he felt your body shaking. “It’s alright, hey, listen to me.”

As he pulled you into his embrace, you started to shake your head against his chest.

“No, it’s not.” He heard the way your voice broke down and shot Frances a quick glance to leave the two of you alone.

He wasn’t usually very fond of showing his emotions or affective, but he also was aware how much Charlie’s contempt affected you. That’s why he decided to keep his arms around you, hands running up and down your back while he felt your sobs subsiding.

Tommy took his handkerchief from his pocket to wipe away the tears from your face.

“He’s going to have to get used to you once we get married.”

Taking a deep breath, your fingers touched nervously the engagement ring he gave you about a month ago, right before Charlie found out about what happened with Grace.

“Tommy… I think it’s best if we put our engagement on hold.” You decided to distract yourself smoothing the neck of his shirt, you couldn’t look him in the eyes, not with all the battles you were fighting at the moment.

“That’s nonsense Y/N.” His body tensed immediately and then he lifted your chin with his finger. “You can’t let a child control your life like that.”

“I’m not going to be in the middle between you and your son, I grew up without my father and-”

“Don’t do this to me, fuck this Y/N. Why are you taking the easy way out?”

“This is far from easy for me Tommy, I’m trying to avoid that one day he makes you choose between me and him.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

You took a step back, trying to put some distance between the two of you.

“That’s what happened with my father and he didn’t choose me… I can’t go through that again.”

You didn’t want to wait anymore to listen what he had to say, so you walked out of Arrow House.

Tommy’s hands were closed in a tight fist, the vein in his temple visible. Each footstep he took, echoed on the floor as he returned to his office.

“Frances! Get someone to clean this up and tell my son he’s grounded!” He closed the door with a loud bang only to open it again seconds later. “Indefinitely.” He added with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

***

As Tommy skipped lunch, and he pretty much was about to skip dinner as well, Frances decided to prepare him some tea. She had known Y/N since Mr. Shelby started dating her and she could recognize all the good things she had brought into his life.

“What am I doing wrong, Frances?” He asked the maid while his eyes were fixed on the papers in front of him.

Smoothing her apron, Frances looked at him, lines of worry across his forehead, tensed shoulders, rubbing his index finger against the thumb, the lost look in his eyes, she could read him like the palm of her hand.

“If I’m too strict, he’s going to run away, if I’m too soft he’s going to end up like Finn, there’s no in between.”

“Talk to him, Mr. Shelby, Charlie is a smart child he will understand.”

Leaning back on his chair, Tommy took the remains of the almost consumed cigarette to take a long puff.

“Will he?” With a groan he moved his arm to reach the cup of tea. “I’m scared one day he will look at me and ask why did his mum die instead of me.”

Frances felt her heart crushing inside her chest.

“He loves you Mr. Shelby and not long ago he was happy around Y/N. Give him some time, I found him crying earlier.”

How did his happiness could cause such sadness to his own kid?

“Soon we’ll be celebrating your nuptials and all of this will be forgotten.” She had so many things to do, and she knew that once Mr. Shelby stayed quiet, his mind started to overthink everything so she decided to excuse herself and left her boss alone.

Leaving his tea unfinished, Tommy walked upstairs to Charlie’s room, the lighted lamp and his breathing gave away his son wasn’t sleeping, he was just pretending to be asleep.

Sitting by the end of the bed, Tommy tucked his son in, just like when he was a little boy.

“When your mum was taken away from us, I swore I would never get married again.” His voice was soft, almost soothing. “And it’s actually a funneh story the way I met Y/N, the only time I’ve been late to a meeting in my life, was because of her.”

Tommy chuckled at the memory and leaned his palm over his thigh to rest his body forwards. He knew Charlie was awake because he saw him by the corner of his eye blinking, but he kept talking as if he was asleep.

“I was in a hurry, distracted, talking to myself like I always do. She was walking backwards you know, just coming out from the store carrying boxes of cupcakes and I swear I didn’t see her right away as I was taking my right on the corner… the cupcakes ended up flying everywhere and landed on the floor. I thought she would be so mad, but instead she looked at me with the biggest and kindest smile and after asking if I was alright, she offered me the only intact cupcake that wasn’t ruined.” She smelled like vanilla and frosting, too sweet and delicate he remembered. “And in that very moment I knew she had something that no one else had.” Licking his lips, he could still taste her there. “She was the sweetest little thing a grumpy man like me needed.”

He was now softer thanks to her, she constantly stormed inside his office or the betting shop with fresh baked cookies or cake to share and bright everyone’s day. “And I don’t tell her much this, but she makes me want to be better man, and she’s constantly pushing me to be a better father to you.”

A glimpse of sadness clouded his blue eyes. “You can’t even imagine how much your words have hurt her, because if there’s someone asking me about you, worried every time you get sick, staying up late to check on you or if you need anything, that’s Y/N.”

Tommy swallowed hard, thinking how grateful he actually felt for you.

“You’re right, she’s not your mother, she will never be, but apart from your aunts… Y/N is the closest to a mother you will ever have.”

The bed creaked when Tommy got up to walk out of his son’s room, wearing his heart on his sleeve, craving for you in that moment.

———

The following day, he knew you wouldn’t be home to have lunch that day like you usually did. You actually made him change that from his schedule, to spend more time with Charlie every day and he couldn’t lie to himself, he had loved making that little adjustment to be with you and his son instead of eating alone in his office.

“Mr. Shelby! I tried to reach you in your office all morning.” Frances appeared with a worried expression. Tommy saw by the corner of his eye Charlie in the middle of the stairs.

“What is it Frances?”

“It’s Y/N, she was run over by a delivery truck outside her business this morning.”

Tommy didn’t wait to hear the rest, he rushed back to his car to go to the hospital.

Trying to adjust yourself, you groaned from the pain.

“Do you want something?” Tommy’s voice asked you taking your hand.

“How many elephants were?”

Tommy chuckled at your humor. “One milk truck in reverse was all you needed to get knocked out.”

“Mmm, it felt like a stampede.” You finally opened your eyes to meet his. Tommy was all over you, kissing your face, moving away your hair.

“Doctor says you can leave today, but you will need someone looking after you.”

“Did you had to pull out your gun to make him say that?”

“It wasn’t necessary, says you’re strong as an oak.” He winked at you. “I’m taking you home, Y/N… and I don’t want to hear a single complain about it.”

You closed your eyes for a moment, too tired to keep them open. “Wasn’t going to.”

“So, you’re really in a lot of pain.” You saw the corner of his lips moving upwards.

“I didn’t see the truck.” You admitted.

Tommy made a funny face. “Maybe you need glasses.”

Too tired to argue his sarcasm, you slapped his arm. “The truck driver was moving in reverse.”

After sleeping all the way to his house, he carried you upstairs in his arms as if you weighted nothing, straight into his bedroom, under the gossipy eyes of the maids.

You thanked Tommy for arraigning the pillows for you and the soup he announced Frances was making.

“I’ll be in my office doing some phone calls, but if you need anything you know where the bell is.” Tommy leaned down to kiss you softly on your forehead, but before he could break apart, you pulled him to your lips, tasting the smell of tobacco in him. “Don’t start something you won’t be able to carry out, Y/N.”

“Give me a couple of days and you’ll see.”

You felt like you needed at least ten painkillers to make you feel better, but you already had too many, looking around, there was just a dim light coming through the curtains so it was probably night by now and Tommy still hadn’t returned. Tilting your head to the side, you found the door open barely by a few inches and a spying eye looking through.

“You can come in Charlie.” As the little boy opened the door you realized he had been crying. “What’s the matter?”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t want you to get hurt Y/N.” He stormed in and started crying inconsolable on your side.

“Take a deep breath Charlie… of course you didn’t, it’s not your fault.”

But he had a confession to make. “It is, I wished you went away or disappeared.”

“Well… I’m glad your wish failed, you have nothing to worry about.” Your fingers moved away the fringe from his face, he was starting to look so much like Tommy now.

“Dad said I made you cry... sorry.” He looked down.

“Don’t worry, we all say things we don’t want to say.”

“But I was so scared of something bad happening to you.”

Patting the empty spot on the bed, you smiled at him. “Just a little push, that’s all, you don’t have to worry now.”

As Charlie cuddled close to your body, you helped him climb under the covers.

“I like you Y/N, I just miss my Mum.”

You had to blink a couple of times to make sure you listened him correctly. “I’m sure she’s watching over you, Charlie. You know, your Dad works really hard to keep you safe, you’re his priority always.” You could feel him relaxing against you. “And I’m not here to take your Mum’s place, I’m here to make you and your Dad happy.”

You chuckled as Charlie yawned. Stroking his head, you felt his arm over your stomach, as if he was hugging you.

“When I feel better how about we bake something? A chocolate cake? Your favorite.”

“Can’t… I’m grounded until I’m twelve.”

Smiling, you couldn’t tell him his Dad would never do that.

“Maybe… I can help you reduce it to nine?”

“Deal.” He had completed melted in your arms, his eyelids closed now. “Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“Is it true you and Dad are getting married?”

He must have heard someone in the house talking about it.

“Would you like that?” You saw the boy nodding eagerly to your question. “In that case, I can talk to your father about that too tomorrow. Have sweet dreams Charlie.”

Perhaps it was the heavy pain medication you were in, or the fact that Charlie went back to being the sweet kid he was in the beginning to you, but that night was a good one, despite the little incident with the truck. You could even see the moon shining up in the sky through the curtains.

Unbuttoning his vest, Tommy walked into the room the two of you shared when you stayed for the night, he was taken aback by the sight in front of him; Charlie sleeping in his bed, not only stealing his side of the bed, but his woman as well.

The image filled his heart, this was all he was hoping for, to have you in his life, his heart, his house, his bed. He wanted everything. The whole scene was something he would keep like a forever memory.

But also in Charlie’s life. He knew he had chosen the right woman to raise his son with, he just hoped Charlie could eventually see it too.

And judging by the heartwarming scene in front of him, it looked just like that.

Well, ain’t she sweet. He thought to himself with the hint of a smile decorating his lips as he climbed in the tight space free.

***

A/N: since I’m in jail time, I won’t be able to reply to your comments 💕 but you know I treasure each of them. If you decide to share and spread the word, I will be forever grateful ♥️ thank you for reading!!!

The usual tags will be from my side blog.

[livi-in-digital-circus]

10 Bunnydoll story ideas

(free to use because I have a writer block and a hard time at school)

– Jax is a celebrity that everyone loves, except Ragatha, who openly despises him. Secretly, she is actually his crazy obsessed fan who stalks him almost 24/7

– Years ago, Jax and Ragatha had an affair and since then their paths have diverged. Now they meet again and Jax quickly realizes that Ragatha is not the same sweet rag dolly she used to be, especially since she is now a single mother

– Caine organizes a quiz show about Ragatha for her birthday (imagine they celebrate birthdays) and Jax doesn't want to participate. In the end, it turns out that he knows the answer to every single question, at the same time revealing that they are in a relationship

– Jax and Ragatha have been a couple for quite some time. At some point, the rabbit starts to suspect that his girlfriend might be thinking about starting a family, which makes him a little uneasy. One day, everyone except him and Ragatha turns into babies, while Caine magically disappears and they automatically have to take care of their friends

– One day a child arrives at the Digital Circus. Confused and frightened, it gets "adopted" by Ragatha, who takes care of it and treats it as if it were her real child, which also makes Jax jealous. Later it turns out that this is in fact Ragatha's son/daughter that she had before she got trapped in the circus. After finding out, Jax has a hard time accepting it

– Similar to the previous one, there's a new addition to the circus. This time it's Jax's girlfriend from the real world. Slowly they rebuild their relationship, which Ragatha quickly notices and gets sad because she and Jax recently started to get closer. She tries to make friends with his girlfriend but fails as the girl hates people like Ragatha

– Everyone thinks that abstracting is like death. But when Ragatha abstracts, her subconscious comes back to her body in the real world and she wakes up in a hospital. For the first few weeks, she feels alone, although she is reunited with her relatives and former friends. One day she runs into a guy who seems very familiar for some reason. Later, it turns out that Jax also abstracted and got sent back to the real world

– Ragatha is a teacher's pet who is often bullied by the school's most famous troublemaker, Jax. When she meets some guy online, she befriends him and even develops a crush on him. Little does she know that it's actually Jax, who also has no idea that it's Ragatha he's been texting all along

– There is a Valentine's Day event and the circus members are sent on a special adventure where a mischievous cupid is hiding somewhere on the map. Jax tries his best to avoid him, as it turns out that cupid has the ability to make someone deeply in love with the first person they see after being hit by the arrow. Later, Jax notices Ragatha's strange behavior and suspects that she is the one affected, so he tries to ignore her as much as possible. But he also feels different and doesn't know why. In the end, it turns out that it wasn't Ragatha who got hit, but Jax

– A Halloween adventure where Jax and Ragatha are trapped in a haunted house. Unlike the rag doll, the rabbit isn't scared at all, since the monsters there are just some silly looking NPCs. However, the scariest thing happens when they are suddenly separated and the worst events of their lives as humans are presented to them. After they reunite and leave the haunted house, they feel a strong need to comfort each other (and beat the shit out of Caine when it comes to Jax)

Let me know if you like any of these ideas and feel free to use them! <3

[iikatsukii]

The Boy's a Liar

Synopsis: You are a young Na'vi named Koa. You and the Sully family have been inseparable since Lo'ak, your promised mate, chose you as his best friend. Though, devastatingly, his family is forced to flee the clan to ensure their safety. Will things be the same five years later when you and lo'ak meet again?

Pairings: Lo'ak x Omatikaya Fem!reader, Ao'nung x Omatikaya Fem!reader

Warnings: Major Awotw spoilers, death mention, swearing, mating mentions, Na’vi language.

Word count: 13k.

A/N: IT IS FINALLY DONE OMG GUYS IM SO EXCITED TO POST THIS AHHHHHHH!!!! ALSOI know I haven't uploaded for Missing Pieces in a while but balancing Avatar works and the missing pieces story plus my outside life is a bit difficult, but please be patient with me! I am trying. Please let me know how you guys feel about this story and if you want more Avatar stories.

Glossary: yawntu - loved one, yawntutsyip - little loved one, skxawng - idiot, sa'nu - mom (affectionate), sempul - father, parultsyip - term of affection for children

it was a day like any other. you were at the sullys’ home hanging out with kiri and tuk, waiting for the rest of the family to return from the raid. while you waited, kiri helped you with a new hairstyle that you wanted to try. it was just simple box braids with your natural hair, but you added some beads to the end.

you weren’t one for beads in your hair. neytiri and kiri always tried to get you to do it, but you never gave in. you complained that they made your head feel heavy and your neck hurt. 

tuk got bored of listening to you guys, so she got up to play outside with the other kids in the village. “play nice, tuk!” kiri called after her little sister. tuk gave an absent-minded hum of agreement as she rushed out. you and kiri couldn’t help but giggle at the young girl’s free spirit. 

you guys continue to braid your hair and chat for the next few hours until you hear the pitter-patter of little feet growing louder. tuk bursts into the tent as if on cue, shouting, “the war party is back! they are back!! come on! let’s go! let’s go!” luckily, kiri had just finished securing the beads on your last braid before tuk came in. 

you and kiri both stood and ran out of the tent. you were just as eager for the return of the war party as tuk was. 

because it meant the return of lo’ak

lo’ak has been your best friend since childhood. he has never left your side. not since the day you two met. you and lo’ak had been announced as promised mates back when the two of you were 15. now you’re both 17 and ready to be of age, so you can visit the tree of voices and mate before the great mother eywa, just like how he told you his parents did.

as you approached the heart of the village, you watched as all the warriors landed their ikrans. the village people chant and cheer in celebration of the warriors’ return. you looked around frantically until your eyes landed on precisely who you were looking for. still, before you could even step toward him, you noticed the dejected look on his face. not only him but neteyam too. neteyam, though, was roughed up way more than lo’ak was. 

jake walked his boys past you and straight toward their home. you waited a few minutes, trying to respect their privacy as a family, but you couldn’t help yourself. you snuck over and pressed your back against the wall next to the entrance of their home, quietly listening in.

“you’re supposed to be spotters. how is it that i gave you direct orders, and you knuckleheads still managed to disobey them.” jake scolded his boys as neytiri stood behind them. 

“now, ma jake, your son is actually bleeding,” she said, giving him a look. he just sighed and dismissed his eldest to go see his grandmother. 

neytiri walked out of the tent and greeted you as she passed, “hello, koa, your hair looks beautiful.” you could only stare at her back in shock as she walked away, guiding her son to his grandmother’s tent. and just before neytiri was out of sight, she peered over her shoulder, making direct eye contact with you. then she winked, and immediately after, she was out of view. 

you and neytiri had this adorable mother-daughter relationship in which she teased you about how you acted around her son, lo’ak since he was your promised mate. she would tease you whenever she caught you daydreaming or giggle and give you a knowing look when she noticed you and lo’ak’s entangled tails as you all sat for dinner. 

you love neytiri. she was more of a mother to you than your actual mom, but you never told her that. they all think your home life is perfect, but everything is horrible behind closed doors. 

before you could get deeper into your thoughts, your ears perked up at jake talking again.

“you do understand you almost got your brother killed today?”

“yes sir,” it was a quiet response from lo’ak. one full of insecurities. insecurities that you made a mental note to kiss away later when you met up at your ‘secret hideout,’ as lo’ak liked to call it. 

“you’re grounded. no flying for a month. dismissed. oh, and go wash that shit off your face.” jake said before leaving lo’ak to be the only sully in their home. you stood from your hiding spot and silently slipped into their home, spotting lo’ak standing in the center of the room.

you noticed how his fists were clenched, and his frame shook, and then you heard the sniffles. you immediately walked over, wrapping your arms around him, palms pressed flat to his chest as you pressed your face between his shoulder blades. you felt his heartbeat, his breathing, heard his sobs, felt him shake. 

“oh, lo’ak… i wish i could take this pain away for you,” you said as you felt tears coming to your eyes. you knew how much his fathers’ words hurt him. 

lo’ak didn’t respond. all he did was turn in your grasp and push his face into your neck as he sobbed. slowly, you lowered your body, bringing you both to the floor so you could sit and hold him. 

after a few minutes, you noticed he still had his face paint on. you got up, a process made way more complicated by who lo’ak didn’t want to let you go, grabbing a wooden bowl and a small cloth before sitting in front of the boy you love again. 

reaching your hand, you raised his chin to see his face correctly. you wet the soft cloth with the water from the bowl, ringing it out a bit before introducing it to lo’ak’s face. you gently removed the war paint from his face, focusing on getting everything off. 

while you’re focused on cleaning lo’ak’s face, he takes the time to admire your beauty. he takes in all of your features as if trying to memorize your face. you felt his gaze on you, but you didn’t mind it because lo’ak tended to do this often. he always sits quietly and admires you when you take his face paint off after the war party returns. once, you asked him what he was doing, but he just shushed you. 

you pulled back from the boy, looking him in his eyes. you finished cleaning off his face, so you placed the cloth in the bowl, freeing up both of your hands. you cupped his cheeks, using your thumbs to wipe away his remaining tears. “lo’ak, why don’t we go to our secret hideout, hm? that always cheers you up.” you suggested, and the moment you said ‘secret hideout,’ lo’ak was sold.

“let’s go,” he said. his voice was hoarse and scratchy, probably from all the crying, but he ignored it. standing to his height and helping you with him, lo’ak grabbed your hand and started walking you out of his family’s home. 

you didn’t get far, running into his back when he stopped suddenly. “ah- lo’ak! what was that for?” you said as you rubbed your nose, looking up at the taller boy. he turned to you and held your shoulders. “i have to do something before i leave,” he said, looking over at his grandmother’s tent. you could hear the voices of his siblings pouring out, and you could also see his parents sitting out front, talking. 

you nodded in understanding. “it is okay, lo’ak, go. meet me there after, okay? don’t be long.” you said as you walked down the path the two of you usually took to get to your spot. 

little did you know, as you were waiting for lo’ak at your hideout, he and his siblings were being held at gunpoint by rda avatars. the night had gotten so late that you laid down, hoping by the time you woke up, lo’ak would be next to you.

you stirred awake at the sound of forest animals and ikrans flying by. rubbing your eyes, you sit up, noticing that you had fallen asleep in the forest waiting on lo’ak to meet you. you were hurt that he stood you up, but you were pretty rational, so you hoped he had a good excuse for why he never showed. 

when you returned to the clan, you noticed that everyone in the village was surrounding the ikran takeoff area. you were confused, so you walked over. pushing through the crowd, you saw the sully family once you got to the front. they had everything packed onto their ikrans, and you noticed neytiri was crying. 

when jake noticed, you could see his demeanor visibly soften. neytiri saw you and only started crying harder. “neytiri, what is happening?” you asked cautiously, tears coming to your eyes. “oh, my sweet girl,” she said as she held her arms out for you, hugging you close. “our family is being hunted,” she whispered to you.

your entire world stopped. you knew exactly what this meant. “no. no. no. neytiri, jake, please don’t leave. please don’t leave me. this is your home. we will fight for you guys. we will protect you guys. please don’t go. you guys are my family.” you said in a whispered voice. jake and neytiri comforted you to the best of their ability, but then it struck you. 

lo’ak. 

you release your hold on neytiri and turn to face him. he had an unreadable look like he was scared or nervous. 

you walked over to him with tears in your eyes. “you did not meet me last night, lo’ak, and now your family is leaving. what am i to do?” you sobbed. lo’ak pulled you into his chest, holding you while you cried. he cried, too, because this hurt him more than anything. you were the one person in his life who truly understood and loved him, and now he had to leave you. 

“let me come with you,” you begged. “i can pack my stuff very quickly, i promise-” lo’ak cut you off, squeezing you tighter into his body. “koa. you can not come. you have to stay here. this is the only way i will truly know you are safe.” you shook your head. “lo’ak, please don’t do this, please. i will find you, my love. i will fly all of pandora just to find you.” 

the boy looked over to his father, giving him some kind of signal, and jake motioned to two warriors over. they immediately got the hint, walking around to you, grabbing your arms, and pulling you away from lo’ak so he could mount his ikran. 

“i know ma koa. i’m sorry,” he said. 

“KEHE, PLEASE LET ME GO TO HIM,” you screamed and kicked and cried, begging them to let you go as the sully family took off into the distance. the scream you let out was bloodcurdling. lo’ak could hear it, despite the distance his family had already flown away. having your promised mate leave you right in front of your eyes felt like having your heart ripped out of your chest. 

for five years, you have been flying around pandora, going from clan to clan, venturing through forests, and trying to find your promised mate. you never even thought about turning back; home has become a forgotten thought in your mind. 

you and your ikran, seze, fled the omatikaya clan at night. not wanting anyone to see or hear you leave, but then again, it’s not like if you left at the busiest point of the day, it would’ve made a difference. nobody looked at you anymore, let alone acknowledged that you lived amongst them. so you took it upon yourself to leave. if everyone acted as if you didn’t exist, you might as well go; it’s not like anyone would have cared. 

the omatikaya clan meant nothing to you, and you mean nothing to them. 

at least that’s what you told yourself. 

continuing to fly, you came across what looked like a young na’vi boy backing up toward a cliff edge. you analyze the situation further and notice a thanator slowly walking towards the child, emerging from its hiding spot. though you did not know the child, you still needed to save him. 

“come on seze, yah!!”

your ikran took off towards the thanator, screeching. in one swoop, seze sunk his talons into the side thanators neck, killing him on impact. quickly removing your tsaheylu from seze, you slowly tried approaching the young boy, trying to coax him away from the cliff’s edge. 

“hi, yawntutsyip, it is okay. i am not here to harm you. look,” you said as you slowly grabbed your bow and arrows, removing them from your body. you kicked them away, too, so the child would be more comfortable. you took another step closer, but he still cringed away. you looked down at your body and saw that you still had your knife on you. you quickly grabbed it and tossed it with your bow and arrows. 

only then did the boy allow you to approach him. you wrapped your arms around the child, trying to soothe him from all the fear he had just experienced. you moved the two of you far, far away from the cliff. you sat against seze’s resting form, and the child curled up into you while you wrapped one of the blankets you packed when you left the omatikaya clan around the both of you. that boy had death at his front door, but you saved him. 

the little boy pulled back from the hug, rubbing the tears out of his eyes. “irayo,” he said between hiccups and sobs. “it is okay, my child. you are safe,” you whispered.

“what is your name, my child?” you ask while trying to lull him to sleep. 

“anuk,” he said, rubbing his eyes.

“hi anuk, my name is koa. you’re going to be okay, it is alright,” you said as you rocked him back and forth, planning on trying to find his home in the morning.

he was fighting his sleep, though, probably still running on adrenaline. looking up at you, he whispered, “i really like your bow.”

“thank you, anuk. my promised mate gave it to me. its very special to me.” you said, the vibrations from your voice soothing the boy, and the rocking motion only aided in lulling the boy to sleep. 

you both lay under the stars of pandora’s night sky, seze remaining on guard so the two of you could rest in peace.

the young tawkamian boy held onto your leg as you loaded the last of your belongings onto the back of seze. you never got to tell neytiri about the name because your iknimaya happened after the sully family left.  

returning to reality when you felt tiny hands squeezing your leg again, the big sad eyes of the little village boy meeting yours. “anuk~ you cannot come with me, paruitsyip. i’m sorry, but it’s my time to go.”

“no, koa, stay here!! we can be a family! i can have an older sister again,” the words out of the poor boy’s mouth saddened you. you kneeled to his height so you could look him in the eyes.

“i’m so sorry, ‘nuk, but my lover is waiting for me, so i have to find him. i hope you find love like this, so you will one day understand why i left. but remember me, you never know, i may come back and visit.” she said, smiling at the young boy.

you were aware of the loss of the chief’s daughter because it happened to be the same night you found anuk. the two children traveled into the forest just before eclipse until they got lost while trying to escape a thanator. the same one that attacked anuk the night you found him. 

anuk said that while he and his sister were going on their daily hunt, äzan noticed that a baby thanator had wandered too close to the clan’s territories. she started to panic because that meant that the mother was not far behind. she tried to get anuk to safety, but before she could get anywhere, anuk noticed the mother thanator creeping in the branches above them. 

the eldest child looked to her younger brother and whispered, “anuk, you run right now. you run and do not turn back for me no matter what you hear me? go, now!” 

upon hearing his sister’s stern voice, the young boy took off, and it was only seconds before he heard his sister’s screams. he knew he couldn’t turn back, though. she told him he couldn’t and would rather be banished from his clan than disobey her last words. 

the young boy sniffled, reliving his last memory of his sister. you, having been at the tawkami clan for a few months now, know the look on his face when he returns to that memory. “hey, anu’, stay here with me, okay? äzan is with eywa. she’s in good hands.” you said, hugging the child. 

after a few minutes of tears and goodbyes, you finally set off to continue your journey to find your promised mate. it was always sad when you left a clan. the friendships and bonds you would build with the people of the villages were something you held close to your heart. and every time you left, it left your heart missing the warmth of the village people.

you think it had been about a week and a half, and you and seze were soaring around pandora. it wasn't until you started to see gorgeous blue waters that you perked up.

another day or so of flying goes by, and you see something as you pass over a clearing—or rather, someone. 

there was a light-toned, almost turquoise, na'vi jumping around, looking like he was trying to get your attention. you waved back, and he started pointing somewhere, assuming that he was telling you to fly in that direction, so you followed. after a few minutes, you saw two more na'vi

and then three more

and then a whole group of them

and then, finally, you came across what you assumed was their homeland. 

horns started blowing, signaling an arrival. 

you slowly dismounted, where the water met the sea, and left seze on the beach. removing your flight gear, you notice a massive crowd of people staring at you. as this isn't your first time, you do what you've learned to do.

walking toward the crowd, you raised your hands in surrender, showing that you did not intend to harm anyone, the bow, arrows, and pocket knife that you left on seze's saddle makes that clear to the village people. but something was different about this clan. 

it almost seemed as if they weren't shocked to see a na'vi from a faraway land. 

after a few minutes, you're surrounded by these clan people. you have yet to learn what clan you are in or their leader. your attention is pulled to a tall man, who you assume is the clan leader, and you immediately acknowledge him. 

"i see you," you said while also making the gesture. 

he returned it, as well as a woman next to him who you assumed was the tsahik, so you gestured 'i see you' to her as well. 

“who are you.” the woman hissed.

"hello. um.. my name is koa. i am a wanderer; i'm flying around pandora because i'm looking for someone." you explained, cowering away at the woman's hostility.

"i am tonowari, olo’eyktan, and this is my wife, ronal.” the tall man introduced himself and his mate

“what clan are you from, koa," ronal asked; you could hear the slight hiss in her voice as she said your name, as if she didn't want you to be here. 

"i am from no clan." you say with your head down. 

"well, you lived somewhere at some point? that place was?" tonowari pressed further.

“the forest. omatikaya.” you said, barely above a whisper.

"omatikaya? what is it with your people and seeing refuge with the metkayina clan, huh?" he joked, a few people around him laughing a bit too

"what do you mean?" you were confused. what was he talking about?

"you say you come looking for someone. who is this person?" ronal asked.

"i am looking for a man who goes by the name of lo'ak sully. does anyone of that name live here, or have you heard the name anywhere before?" you asked desperately, 

the second you said his name, there were murmurs, gasps, and whispers from the crowd around you. 

the two adults analyzed you. you were dirty, improperly dressed, and looked like you hadn't had a shower or meal in days. you looked exhausted. the mother in ronal stirred a bit. 

tonowari and ronal turned to each other, sharing a look before looking at you again. they couldn't let you wander around anymore. not when they know where the person you're looking for is.

"come with me, my child; i am tsahik of the metkayina clan. you are going to be okay," ronal said as she wrapped her arms around you to support you while she walked you to her home. ronal doesn't know what it is about this child and why she's treating her differently than how she did the sully family, but that's not important right now. 

"tonowari, go to the sullys and tell them an omatikayan girl is asking for lo'ak in our pod." her husband was moving within seconds of hearing his wife's demand, and the rest of the clan dispersed, going back to what they were doing.

you were sitting in ronal’s home for about 20 minutes before you heard heavy footsteps growing louder. it was only a few seconds until tonowari pushed the tent’s flap aside, but you were only greeted with four out of six faces that had left five years ago. 

jake

neytiri

kiri 

and tuk...

where the hell are lo’ak and neteyam?

the family looks at you for a second, and when they accept that it’s you, they rush over and scoop you up into the warmest hug you’ve had in years. 

it brings tears to your eyes seeing the people who you’ve missed for five years.

“oh, my sweet girl. you’re here,” neytiri said, wiping the tears from your eyes. 

“how did you find us?” jake asked. his tone was concerned, a manner that only a worried father would use. 

“i have been looking for you guys since you left….” you said nervously. 

“you’ve been looking for us since we left?!” tuk cries; you glance over the once small child and notice that she is a preteen now, about 12 or 13 years old.

“oh my eywa tuk you’ve gotten so big!!” you said, tickling the girl in the same place you used to when she was younger. seeing as tuk immediately started giggling and laughing, you knew that even though she had grown up, she was still the same little girl you remembered. 

“i know! i am taller than when lo’ak was my age,” she said, slightly teasing her older brother, who wasn’t even present. speaking of which, 

“where is lo’ak?” you asked, looking over at kiri, your best friend who you miss so much. you figured you would ask about nete later since you assumed he was out hunting like he always was

but when you notice the room go silent, you refocus your attention on the people around you. the sully family had these looks on their faces, one that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. the air had grown thick with tension, and you started worrying. in the corner of the marui were ronal and tonowari. they both had looks of confusion on their face. they called jake over to have a conversation.

you watched him walk over and tried to listen to their whispered conversation. you gave up when you realized they were talking too low. but before you could completely tune out, you heard a small gasp followed by a heavy sigh. 

jake told ronal and tonowari everything. he told them how lo’ak had a promised mate at their old clan and how they tried to talk some sense into him, but they couldn’t help but want to see their boy finally happy after the loss they faced as a family.

you turned back to your best friend,

“kiri… what is wrong? i just asked where lo’ak is?” you were starting to get worried. did something happen to him?

“he is out right now,” was all she said. 

“out? kiri, what the fuck? out where?”

“he is out with tsireya!” tuk pitched in. 

suddenly your heart started beating fast, and your stomach was dropping. your worst nightmare began to form in your head. 

“who is tsireya?” you asked.

“tsireya is my daughter.” said tonowari.

you looked at tuk and asked. 

“who is tsireya?” but tuk knew what you were really asking. ‘who is tsireya to lo’ak.’

“she is his mate.” the girl said dejectedly. 

you felt your heart fall to the floor and shatter into a million pieces. the second tuk said that m-word, the one word you honestly never thought you would hear, it felt like your world was caving in. 

everyone in the room could visibly see your heartbreak at that statement, but as soon as the expression came, it was gone. you masked your pain, not wanting to have a breakdown in front of everyone, but you were damn sure going to get some answers. 

“where is he?”

“he is just south of here. at a place, we call three brothers. it is about a 10-minute ride on our ilus, but you have an ikran, so i am not sure how long it will take you.” ronal spoke up, directing you in the direction of the boy who she now knows betrayed you. 

“i can make it there in 5,” you said as you stood and walked out of the room.

sure enough, you got there in 5 minutes. you could tell by the three big ass rocks that were coming into view. something in your gut told you that you wouldn't like how this was about to go down.  

"above the clouds," you instructed seze. this way, if you noticed lo'ak, he would see you when you wanted him to. it only took like 30 seconds of looking to find him. he was lying on the beach with a metkayina girl, tsireya.

"land." it was a simple command. seze brought you down silently as he settled on the opposite side of the beach. 

sneaking up on someone isn't hard when walking in the sand. however, you still ensured you were as quiet as possible when you approached the couple. as you stood over the two, you questioned how you got so close without either of the na'vi noticing you. then you realized they were sleeping, with a blanket and everything. 

they were sleeping under the eclipse… 

that was something the two of you used to do. 

this enraged you. walking back to seze, you grabbed your bow and one singular arrow. by the time you were standing over the couple again, you had taken your hand and drew back, aiming the arrow right in between lo'ak's face and the back of tsireya's head. 

your hands shaking and the tears blurring her eyes only made you pull the arrow further back. and finally, you released a breath you didn't know you were holding as you let go of the hand, allowing it to snipe right into the ground in front of lo'aks nose.

it wasn't the noise of the arrow that woke lo'ak up. it was the force of the wind from how fast it had been released. it startled him. with wide eyes, he looked at the arrow and then up from where it came from, making eye contact with you. 

lo'ak was in denial, to say the least. not believing his eyes, he slowly stood up, which caused tsireya to stir awake too, but she couldn't sit up much because your arrow trapped one of her braids in the sand.

as lo'ak stood to his full height, you got to consider how much he had grown over the last five years. the last time you saw each other, you were 17, and now you're 22. to you, lo'ak still looks like the boy you knew back then. the only difference you spotted was the height and muscle growth.

"nothing about you has changed. so why is everything so different now?" you asked him. he could hear the hurt in your voice. that's the only reason he could tell that you knew. you knew that tsireya was his mate. you knew he went against eywa's wishes. you knew he lied to you. 

"koa, this isn't what it looks like," lo'ak started. you narrowed your eyes at him. "okay, this is kinda what it looks like, but-" suddenly tsireya checked into the conversation, cutting lo'ak, "YOU KNOW THIS CRAZY WOMAN?!" 

to say lo'ak's mate was furious was an understatement. tsireya was pissed, she had been disturbed from her nap by some woman she didn't know, had her hair trapped in the sand, and now this woman was claiming to know her mate. 

lo'ak, hearing tsireya yelling, immediately tried to calm her down. "baby, remember, no stress, okay? you gotta calm down."

"CALM DOWN?! how can you say calm down, lo'ak?!!” as the couple argued, you took your arrow out of the ground. pulling your arm back, you aim right in between tsireyas eyes, fully intending to release the arrow.

but before you could, lo'ak stepped between the two of you, holding his hands out. 

he's trying to diffuse the situation. 

"you defend her. why?!" you asked with tears in your eyes. your bow was still in the perfect position to release at any moment. "i defend her because she is my mate, koa." hearing the words come out of his mouth made it so much more real. you didn't want to accept that your promised mate had left you for someone else, but the facts were right in front of you. 

lo'ak isn't yours anymore. 

"you dare betray the will of eywa?!" you said, only pulling your arrow more. you knew this wasn't really what bothered you, but you weren't ready to crack, still wanting to keep up your strong warrior façade. 

"what is she talking about, lo'ak," tsireya asks her mate. you can tell by the face that lo'ak made at tsireya's question that he got caught. this was the only thing that caused you to lower your bow slightly. a sound of disbelief left you. "you betrayed me for someone you can not even trust enough to tell the truth. you betrayed me with someone you do not even harbor any respect for!! lo'ak, what were you thinking?"

"she was there for me."

"how could i have been there for you when you left without telling me where you were going? i guarantee i have been there to comfort you after your father has run through you more times than she has."

"that's not what i meant-"

"then what do you mean, lo'ak? just help me understand what is happening-"

"SHE WAS THERE FOR ME WHEN NETEYAM DIED." you had pushed him so much, he snapped. lo'ak couldn't help but raise his voice at you. you were pushing his buttons, and you knew you were too. but this is not at all what you expected lo'ak to respond with

"wha-" you couldn't even form words while trying to process what lo'ak had just said. 

neteyam is dead

"when…" 

"four years ago" if your heart could break more, it would have. neteyam was like the older brother you never asked for. he always watched out for you when adventuring, treating you the way he treated kiri and tuk, like his little sister. 

never in a million years did you think eywa would take such a mighty warrior from the world at such a young age. 

"the sky people took him… we went to go save spider, and then he-" lo'ak got choked up, causing his mate to move so she could comfort him. 

as she got up, the blanket fell to the floor, revealing the girl's baby bump. 

"she's pregnant…." 

"koa-" he tried to explain

"you did not tell her that you had a promised mate waiting for you at home? i was looking for you. i had hope that you loved me enough to wait for me because i told you i would come for you lo'ak. i told you i would, and yet… you got her pregnant…" the words felt like knives coming out of your mouth. 

lo'ak started to get defensive. he didn't feel like he did anything wrong. he followed his heart, and his heart led him to tsireya. the girl who was there the nights he had endless nightmares, reliving the worst moment of his life. she was there when his mind started clouding with horrible thoughts. thoughts that haunted him until tsireya was finally able to pull him from the darkness in which he had submerged himself. 

"oh, please don't act like you haven't thought about mating with someone else while i've been gone. eywa, i bet no'eng has been all over you since i've left." 

that last sentence was like adding fuel to a flame. you were pissed. 

"you know what? he was throwing himself at me. he asked me to be his tsahik and all." lo'ak scoffed, rolling his eyes "see, you're no better than i am, you traitor-" you didn't let him finish his sentence as you quickly raise your bow. the pointed edge being held at lo'ak's neck.

"i am no traitor. you will speak when i am done." not that he would ever admit it, but seeing this side of you terrified lo'ak.

what had he done to you…

you were not the same girl he remembered from when he left. but he refused to speak another word, unsure if you would hurt him, given the current circumstances.

"he asked me to be his tsahik. i went through the training, the lessons, the courting. and when the day came for us to mate in front of eywa, i refused. i told him, as i had been telling him and everyone else the entire time he was courting me. my heart belongs to lo'ak sully. i will not mate with anyone unless it is him. i will not be anyone's tsahik unless it is his. i will not bare anyone's children unless it is his. and yet i am stupid. i am stupid because here you are. mated, in love, starting a family with someone else when you said you would only do those things if it were with me."

"YOU HAD A DESTINED MATE, AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!" tsireya was fuming.

"the baby, my love," lo'ak said, trying to find any excuse to get her to calm down.

"i was planning on telling you," he tried but tsireya wasn't having it. "oh yeah, when, you asshole! before or after you got me pregnant?!!" she yelled, throwing a handful of sand at her mate, which he dodged.

"you've lied to me for five years about having a promised mate?" lo'ak looked at tsireya now. when he heard the hurt in her voice, he moved closer to her, cupping her cheeks.

another thing he used to do with you.

"reya, you were there for me. okay? i fell for you, and i promise you, i put it on eywa-"

"it would not be wise to trust someone who has gone against the will of our great mother-" koa advised. 

"KOA, SHUT. UP. tsireya, you were there for me when 'teyam died. every second of healing you were there for. you never left my side, and for that, i will love you till the end of pandora." hearing the love of your life not only raise his voice at you for the first time but also confess his undying love for someone else right in front of you was your breaking point. you felt like someone stabbed you in the heart, twisted the knife, and ripped it out.

neteyam is dead…

lo'ak no longer loves you…

what else is the point of being here?

but you are strong and came for a reason, so you're not about to let this woman redirect your conversation with lo'ak. 

"after i rejected the tsahik position and refused to mate with no'eng, my parents disowned me. they said i was selfish, that i wasn't thinking about the clan and only about my feelings. so for the next five years i traveled pandora looking for you. because i knew if i was welcomed anywhere in the world, it would be where the sullys are- no. it would be where lo'ak te suli tsyeyk'itan is." tears were pouring out of your eyes, and it was clear as day that they were not going to stop any time soon. 

with eclipse approaching, you just wanted to disappear. you didn't care where. it wouldn't matter anyways. not when the one person who you flew around the world for, the one person who you dreamed of mating with, being with, had mated with someone else without a second thought about you.

"but i guess that is not true anymore, is it..?" you finally lowered your bow, throwing it at lo'aks feet. "i would rather remain defenceless for the rest of my days than use a bow gifted to me by a traitor."

walking away, you didn't look back at all. hopping over seze’s back, you instructed him, "fly." within minutes, you were back on the sand of the metkayina beaches. 

still crying your heart out, you wandered the village aimlessly. you tried your hardest not to make much noise as you walked around and as you started to get lost in your thoughts, you bumped into someone, causing you to return to reality. 

a very tall someone.

"oh! i'm so sorry i wasn't looking where i was going," you said as you quickly tried to wipe your tears away so you could see who you were talking to. 

you made eye contact with a very handsome metkayina boy who had tattoos littering his body and a high bun on top of his head. it almost felt like everything went in slow motion as you two made eye contact. but again, you were reeled back to the real world when the boy spoke.

“don't worry about it- wait, you're not a sully," he said, looking more confused than he was a few seconds ago. "who are you, and how did you get here undetected," he said, starting to lower himself into a battle stance, but kiri's laugh rang in your ears before things could get carried away. you turn your head, seeing the girl walking up behind you. 

"for someone who is the chief's son, you are very uninformed, ao'nung," the younger girl jokes, flicking the older boy's forehead. "she is a visitor from the omatikayan clan. a family friend of ours," she says, hugging you around your shoulders. 

"kiri, i was looking for you guys. i have a question," you said as you nervously played with your hands, tears brimming your eyes for the millionth time today. 

you were thinking about how you lost everything, your family, your friends, your home, and you would never get to see neteyam again. you traveled all over pandora and for a boy who mated with someone else the first chance he got. 

"is it okay if i stay with you guys for a while? i can't go back home." the hurt in your voice was evident to both na'vi standing with you. 

"wait, why can't you go home? did your parents pass?? oh, my condolenc-" you cut kiri off.

"no-no. kiri, you do not understand. i can not go home because i was disowned. by my family, by the clan. everyone hates me." kiri didn't understand. how could the village's sweetheart suddenly be shunned by the whole clan? resting her hands on your shoulders gently, trying to reassure you, kiri asked you softly, "...what happened." 

"where is your mother," you asked, ignoring kiri's question. "she is in our marui. come, it is this way. sorry, ao'nung, we have to go, but i can formally introduce you guys later, ya?” the sully's eldest daughter said, walking you away to her family's marui pod. when the two of you arrived, jake and neytiri immediately turned upon hearing sniffles and sobs to see who was entering their home.

when they noticed it was you, they took in your expression and remembered where you just came from putting two and two together. they were immediately offering you comfort. neytiri was the first to move. 

"oh, my girl. my sweet, sweet girl." her mother mode activated immediately. 

"ma sa'nu... 'teyam..." hearing you say her deceased son's name only made neytiri cry harder. but not for herself, for you. you were losing so much at once, it wasnt fair. you were getting hit by a storm that you didn't even know was coming and even then, no amount of time or experience couldve prepared you for this.

"he is with eywa now... he is safe..." was all she said as she pulled you into a tight hug, making you cry even more because you hadn't felt a mother's love in five years. 

having nobody to raise you was hard. growing up on your own, feeding yourself and your ikran, and surviving extreme weather and dangerous predators as a child who wasn't ready for the world was hard. you haven't felt warmth and love in ages, and this... this felt so nice. after how shitty the past few hours have been, this felt like floating on a cloud. a cloud you never wanted to come down from.

and then, when jake joined the hug, you felt the entire world go silent—feeling the two people you considered your parents your whole life embrace brought warmth to your hurting heart. 

you felt peace. for the first time in five years, you felt peace! but of course, it had to be ruined by the sound of tuk and a boy's voice arguing with the last person you wanted to see. 

"lo'ak stop. go back with tsireya! roxto pull harder!"

"i'm sorry, tuk, i'm trying!"

lo'ak walked into the entrance, roxto and tuk hanging off his arms, trying to pull him in the opposite direction. "koa! how dare you. you come to my clan, you mess with my life, you-"

you scoffed, "so, what? you're following me now?" you asked.

"you come to my home and say i'm following you? how ironic" lo'ak rolled his eyes. you get up from neytiri's hug, walking over to lo'ak so he can hear what you are about to say.

"i only came here looking for you because i thought you loved me, lo'ak. i guess i was wrong," you said, bumping his shoulder as you walked past. though before you got anywhere, he grabbed your arm.

"i'm not done talking to you-"

"FUCK YOU, LO'AK," you screamed.

the room was silent. 

"have i not given up everything for you? have i not grieved every loss known to man? HAVE I NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH FOR YOU, LO'AK?" if your tears stopped earlier, they sure are back now.

"i refused to be tsahik and rejected the finest man in the village all because of my love for you, so have i not given up my life? i have been disowned by my dear parents... my poor, poor parents, so have i not given up my family?" your body was so spent. you felt like she had been running on adrenaline for five years. you feel like it's starting to wear off, causing pain in every inch of your body. that's how bad this heartbreak hurt you.

"i have TRAVELLED AROUND PANDORA FOR THE PAST FIVE. FUCKING. YEARS. LOOKING FOR YOUR DUMBASS BECAUSE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD A PART OF ME KNEW THAT I WOULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE THE WAY I LOVE YOU, LO'AK..." there was dead silence in the marui. nobody spoke, nobody moved, nobody breathed. falling to your knees, you continued to sob on the floor in the sully family marui.

on your knees in front of the man who you thought loved you. 

you raised your head to look lo'ak in the eyes as you said, "maybe that is a good thing, though. maybe i should not love anyone the way i loved you. because the way i loved you caused you to not only leave me alone but to abandon the will of eywa completely. if you hate me so much that you go to such lengths to get away from my love, i will leave to where nobody knows where or who i am. i am destined to be alone in this life anyways, right?.." you sobbed. everyone in the room felt their hearts break hearing you crying like that. 

"i never thought you would do this to me in a million years. but i guess we all get a reality check one day." you said, standing up and walking out the marui, barely finishing your sentence. you ignored all protests coming from the rest of the sully family as you walked away.

you had been hiding away from the sully family since the day you and lo’a- him argued. it wasn’t because the family had done anything wrong. you just were not ready to talk about your feelings, and knowing jake and neytiri sully, they would find a way to make you speak like they do with all their kids. 

over a week passed, and every time you saw someone from the sully family, you turned the other way and hid because then that would mean they would start asking you questions and probing you, and you weren’t emotionally ready for that right now. 

it was eclipse, and you were sitting against a rock, looking out into the ocean with a lost look in your eyes. you were silently crying to yourself, wishing, praying that this was all a dream and that your worst nightmare hadnt coming true. yet you already knew it wasn’t a dream, but it didn’t hurt to try, right?

“i thought i would run into you again” it was a familiar voice you had only heard one other time, yet you couldn’t put a finger on who exactly it was. you didn’t have enough energy to turn your body, though. 

the sleepless nights combined with the nightmares you got when did you manage to fall asleep created the worst sleep deprivation you’ve ever experienced. you didn’t think you had enough energy for anything anymore. 

“hellooo?? pandora to crybaby! is anyone in there??” ao’nung was waving his hand in your face slightly. 

“i’m not a crybaby, skxawng. this isn’t normal for me,” you defended yourself as you tried to quickly wipe your tears away, not noticing how close he had gotten when you were drowning in your thoughts.

the handsome boy you knew as ao’nung was someone you would often see wandering around the village. the boy had been looking for you. he was hoping he could catch you alone at some point so the two of you could talk. while he had seen you around a few times, you were always gone before he could even notice approach you. he also never got your name from kiri, so calling out to you wasn’t an option. 

“i can tell. you look like a fierce female warrior who falls to nobody and nothing. so tell me, what’s got you stumbling?” 

you had to think a little bit to understand the boy’s analogy, but you could only let out a heavy sigh once you understood it.

“that bad, huh?” he asked. 

you scoffed, “i think we can consider this a fall, not just a stumble.” 

ao’nung just chuckled at your response. “well, if you are going to fall over a boy who could not see the beautiful woman standing before him, fine. but please, at least let me be the handsome man who picks you back up again,” you started blushing a deep shade of blue at his words. 

“do not flatter yourself, sir. handsome is being generous. you are mediocre at best.” playfully teasing each other, ao’nung keeps the joke going. 

“mediocre?” the boy feigned hurt, completely fooling you in the process. since you don’t know ao’nung well, you thought you hurt his feelings. 

“oh, no, i am sorry i thought we were joking around. i did not mean to hurt your feelings. eywa, can i get anything right” with how sensitive you were from the previous events this week, the tears were already starting to run down your face. before ao’nung could move a muscle, though, he noticed a woodsprite floating around your form.

there were two of them. you looked up for a second, only for your expression to fall and your eyes to widen.

“ao’nung... there is a woodsprite on your shoulder...” you whispered

“and there is one on your head,” he whispered back. 

the two of you knew exactly what this meant but so suddenly? were you even ready for this? you are literally still going through the worst heartbreak in the world, and now eywa is telling you that this is who you’re destined to be with now? what about lo’ak? what about-

eywa bless this boy and his ability to drag you out of your thoughts because only she knows that you would need someone good at roping you in when you got lost in the sea of your thoughts. 

“hey, look, i got filled in when i went home; i’m the chief’s son, tsireya is my sister. after we first metast week, i just wanted you to know that i understand what you’re going through. i also understand if you want to take this slow or if you’re not ready at all. regardless of what you choose, i will still be with you if you want to be with me. it would help if you had somebody on your team after all,” his charming smile sent a sense of security through your body. 

at that moment, seeing ao’nung smile made you forget about all the troubles in your small world, and you finally felt what you hoped was happiness. maybe this is a good thing. you know eywa would never do anything bad to you. this, everything that’s wrong right now was the fault of lo’ak, but you refused to let him win.

lo’ak doesn’t get to be happy while you live your life miserable so you take ao’nung’s hand and say, “well, if eywa says it’s meant to be, then you really must be it for me, ao’nung.” the smirk on your face threw ao’nung through a loop because he had only ever seen you crying, but the boy wouldn’t let this deter him. he raised his large hand and wiped away any stray tears you had left.

“you are to be my tsahik.” ao’nung said as he pressed his forehead to yours. “i hope you’re ready for training, princess, because this ain’t the omatikaya clan.” you were shocked because although you refused the tsahik position in your home clan, you had dreamed of being tsahik one day. what made it so much better was that lo’ak promised you that you would be his tsahik.

not anymore. 

“i thought lo’ak was next to become olo’eyktan.” you inquired. 

“don’t be silly. you think i’m going to let a baby-tailed-”

“hey!”

“sorry, not you! your tail is cute-” ao’nung tried to save himself, but when he heard the giggle from you, he could tell you were joking. 

“haha, very funny. you got me,” he said sarcastically, laughing alone with you. 

“but, princess, you think i’m going to let some forest boy run my clan? absolutely not. i just needed to find my tsahik before becoming olo’eyktan, and my parents do not believe in arranged marriages. thankfully, eywa has finally brought you here to me, but we have just one problem.” the confidence radiating off of him was so attractive. he just oozed sexy, and you couldn’t help it. you shamelessly stared at your new promised mate, admiring all his muscles, tattoos, and personality.

the boy, who had yet to move his forehead from yours, looked into your eyes. it felt like he was looking into your soul. 

like he was looking into your past. 

like he was trying to read what kind of person you are. 

and since you already decided that you wouldn’t love anyone the way you loved lo’ak, you let him. 

you let him observe you, learn you, study your features and mannerisms, something nobody had ever done. something nobody cared enough to do. 

“what is this problem you speak of, ma ao’nung.” the words felt foreign coming off your tongue, but you let it happen. you wanted to embrace this new environment, embrace this new home, embrace this new love and life that you were so graciously given by the great mother, eywa.

“i still don’t know your name, ma tsahik.” ao’nung felt the same, the words were foreign, but he had felt drawn to you the moment he laid eyes on you. he wanted you to talk him to sleep when he first heard your voice, he wanted you to be the mother of his kids, and he wanted you to be the best tsahik this clan has ever seen, right after his mom, ofc. 

“my name is koa. i have no last name, and i am from nowhere. i have lost everything i love, but i’m hoping, praying to the great mother eywa, that this-” you say as you squeeze his hands in yours. “-is not for nothing. i hope that whatever comes of this new love, i will enjoy every second of it.”

“after everything you’ve been through, you deserve it, ma koa.” ao’nung said as he pulled his promised mate into a warm embrace. you hesitated before hugging back. although you’re good at flirting with your words, when it comes to physical attention, you folded. but can anyone blame you?

you had been touch starved for five years with nothing and nobody but you and your ikran the entire journey. you had not been held, caressed, or kissed in what felt like ages.

“i can’t wait to start a life with you,” he mumbled into the hug, and that sentence alone brought tears to koas eyes again, but for the first time in a while, they were happy tears.

“i can’t wait either,” you said before finally throwing your arms around his neck, causing ao’nung to fall backward into the sand. something they both laughed off and basked in.

today had been a long day, so you fell asleep together in the sand under the night sky.

ao'nung's father allowed him two weeks off of his olo'eyktan duties to get to know his new promised mate, and the boy hasn't ever been happier. for two weeks, he returns to being his teenage self, riding ilus all day, relaxing on the beach, and watching the sunset. he hadn't felt this alive in years, and now he was happiest with the person he loved most. to him, nothing in life could be any link.

you agreed. although it has only been a short two weeks being here, being home, you haven't felt this way in ages. though you get your bouts of sadness whenever you have a run-in with lo'ak, your olo'eyktan has never failed to be there for you in your times of need.

and you couldn't love him more for it.

"ya' know," ao'nung started, "when i first met you, i immediately knew." having to keep his voice under a whisper because the rest of his family was sleeping. 

you giggled a bit as you moved closer to your boyfriend. "knew what, skxawng."

"i knew I wanted you to be mine—tsahik or not. from the moment i laid my eyes on you, you were prettier than any of the stars in the sky, the most beautiful woman i have ever seen." he marveled at his woman. he was looking at you as if you were his entire universe.

"didn't you get down into a battle stance the first time we met." you teased.

"i did, but it was only because i was out hunting the whole day, and i had not been made aware that we had a visitor from another clan. i just saw a pretty blue warrior, and i couldn't help myself," he said with a smirk. wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you against his body as if you weren't close enough. the two of you drifted off to sleep, not a care in the world.

a conversation came up one day when the sullys and the olo'eyktan's family decided to have a joint dinner.

"you know. you two should be living in your own marui." ronal said without hesitating in her actions. jake and tonowari, though, are both currently choking on their food. neytiri gasped, excitedly, "i was thinking the same thing!!"

within the next week, you and ao'nung were kicked out of his parents' marui and given your own home. ronal and neytiri said it was an early mating ritual gift, but jake and tonowari werent happy about it.

tonowari is protective of you like you're his own daughter. jake as well, so when they hear that ronal and neytiri were planning on giving you and ao'nung a marui for just the two of you to stay in, they immediately knew they would have to remain mentally preparing themselves for grandchildren. they were just protective dads, that's all. there's no harm in that. 

on nights that ronal or neytiri would find their husband missing, they would know exactly where to find them. camped out in front of ao'nung and your home, ensure no babymaking was happening and it always ended the same. the half-asleep wife would drag her husband by his ear back to their home and scold them for not trusting their 22-year-old daughter. 

jake and tonowari would argue that they were trying to protect their little girl from this world's harsh and cruel truths. their wives, however, argue that you're not a little girl anymore, and they want some grandbabies.

“ao! i have a question for you,” you called your boyfriend, soon-to-be mate, over as he walked into your shared marui, finally home from hunting.

at first, the man didn’t answer. he silently walked over to you, draping his body over your back and wrapping his arms around your waist. he reached up to turn your face so he could give you a kiss hello. “what did i tell you about questions before my hello kiss, baby?”

you playfully rolled your eyes at him, setting aside the bracelet you made for tsireya’s newborn girl. you had befriended the metkayina girl one day when she defended you from her own mate. saying how he has put you through so much, the least he could do was leave you alone. 

after that, the two of you got to talking and then apologizing. tsireya told you how she never would’ve mated with lo’ak if she knew he was taken, but you assured her that it was a thing of the past and that you were with ao’nung. of course, that led to some girl talk, and you may have let it slip that the two of you were trying for a baby. of course, she was so excited to hear the news, but you swore her to secrecy.

your boyfriend, tired of waiting for a response from you, decided to regain your attention. you had a habit of getting lost in your head, and ao’nung was never one to be upset about it. he actually thought it was cute; your brain working so hard that you forget that you are in the middle of making dinner or beading a necklace for kiri.

“ma koa, i feel like if you don’t drown in the ocean, you’ll drown in your thoughts.” ao’nung said, pinching your side to get your attention. “answer my question, yawntu.”

“kiss first, questions later.” you said, rolling your eyes again as you brought him into a kiss. 

“exactly, look at my smart girl,” he said, nuzzling his face into your neck as you giggled at how it felt. the two of you fell back, curling into one another and staying like that for a while. but not long after, you broke the silence again. 

“ao,’ there are some people i want to invite to our mating ceremony. i know it is not traditional to ask other clans to attend, but they are the closest thing i have to a family outside you and the sullys. do you think your father would approve?” the hopeful look in your eyes made ao’nung believe that even if his dad disagreed, he would find a way to get your family.

“i will talk to him about it, my love. i wouldn’t want your family to not be present during our mating ceremony. it might take some convincing, but i will try ma koa. now sleep.” he said as he kissed your forehead, closed the flap to their marui, and drifted off into a dream.

ao’nung was on his hands and knees, begging his father and mother to invite the other clans to your mating ritual. they had given him their final answer 10 minutes ago, but the boy refused to take no for an answer. 

“sa’nok… sempul… please. they’re all she has besides us. and she can’t only invite one or two. how would everyone else feel?” the things love will make people do. 

ao’nung was never one to ask twice, let alone beg. if he asked his parents for something and they said no, then oh well. if he was supposed to have it, eywa would’ve made his parents say yes. but here he was, shocking not only his parents but also himself. 

“a mating ritual is a sacred ceremony ao’nung. we can not just invite whatever clans we want to ‘come watch’. it is ridiculous.” ronal said.

“they are not ‘whatever clans’ they are her family.” your mate defended. 

suddenly jake sully walked into the olo’eyktans marui. “i’m sorry if i’m interrupting anything but i couldn’t help but overhear that ao’nung was asking to invite the other clans to the mating ceremony.”

“this is a family matter, jake sully. please excuse yourself.” tonowari said, remaining civil.

“well koa is my daughter so i am a part of this family. look, i’m not trying to give you guys input or advice. i just want to give you insight. on earth-”

jake was cut off by a harsh hiss from ronal but continued. “please just let me finish. on earth we have ceremonies and celebrations called weddings. it’s similar to a mating ceremony but since skywalkers don’t have queues they give each other rings and wed themselves to each other. in these ceremonies both the male and female get to invite their sides of the family to watch them officially bond with the person who they love.”

ronal and tonowari take a second to think. they knew about your past by now but not how many clans she had visited. ao’nung had not moved from his place on his knees, showing just how serious he is about having his mates’ family there. it was only a few minutes of private discussion before the olo’eyktan, and his tsahik were ready to speak up.

“how many clans are there.”

ao’nung’s head shot up, a beaming smile on his face. “eight,”

it was the day of your mating ceremony. neytiri and ronal help with finishing touches, fixing your hair, straightening your headpiece, the whole nine yards. the men were over in ao'nung, and your marui helping him get ready. 

you were worried sick but also frustrated, and everyone in ronal's marui could see it on your face. 

"ma itetsyip, what is the matter?" neytiri said, holding your chin to look at her.

"none of the clans have shown up yet. i am terrified of mating with someone even though i've been dreaming about it since i was a little girl. i have no family to come to watch my ceremony and to make everything worse, i didn't eat breakfast this morning, so now i'm hangry." you could feel the tears brimming in your eyes.

kiri and tsireya just laughing at your dilemma while trying to keep you from messing up your face paint. 

"oh dear, look straight down. koa, your tears will mess up your face paint if you keep crying!" tsireya said as she tried to fan her friends' tears while holding her baby. 

"you became a real crybaby in the past 6 years, ya know that." it was only a joke, kiri trying to lighten the mood so you would stop crying, and it actually worked. 

"i'm sorry, guys, i'm trying." you said, laughing at your friends' teasing through your tears. 

"oh, ma koa, honey, we can always push the ceremony back if you are not ready." ronal offered, but you shook your head immediately. "sa'nu, i want to do this. i just wish i had someone to hand me off." you said with a sad look on your face. you knew jake or tonowari would do it in a heartbeat, but something in your heart told you that it shouldn't be them. it should be someone else. 

while all the older women were talking and helping you out, tuk took it upon herself to pick some fruit for you. she noticed you skipped breakfast like you always had back when you all lived with the omatikaya clan. the young girl wandered around until she found the exact fruit she was looking for, immediately running to jake so he could cut it up.

coming back into the marui with the bowl of fruit that she made jake cut for her, tuk smiled as she offered it to you.

"oh, thank you, tuk. omg, it's the fruit i like, aww tuk-tuk, you remembered," you said, pulling the preteen into a hug, which she gladly returned. you smiled and quickly tried to finish the fruit before it was time for you to go out for your ceremony. 

but then the clan's horns were blown, signaling an arrival or several. suddenly you can hear the screeches of banshees, the shrills of tulkun, and the chants and cries of clans people. that's when you knew your family had arrived. 

you peeked out the flap of your marui pod only to see hundreds of na'vi. all from different lineages and places but still bonding and mingling with each other as if everyone here were one big family. your clans had come. all 8 of them. your family was here just for your mating ceremony.

"cry straight down, cry straight down," you reminded yourself. your mother figures couldn't help but giggle at your antics. kiri, tuk, and tsireya took the route to fully laugh at how you were acting. 

"it's time," neytiri said, her and ronal looking at their little girl, all grown up, about to be mated before eywa. they couldn't be more proud of you. you surpassed the clan's expectations in the short year you had been there. you had become one of the strongest female warriors the metkayina had ever seen. you had completed your tsahik training and were finally ready to take on the world. and you were prepared to do it with ao'nung by your side. 

"wait here!!" kiri and tsireya, who carefully handed her baby to tuk, ran out of the marui. it took them 5 minutes to return, but they weren't alone. 

the 8 clan leaders, who took you in and cared for you, were standing before you. "your friends told us that you wanted someone to hand you off." the head of the anuri clan spoke up. it was the first clan you ever visited.

"she brought all 8 of us so you could choose which one of us you would like to walk down with." the leader of the kekunan clan spoke after.

you just smiled to yourself, already knowing who you would choose. still, before you could do anything, you noticed tiny eyes peaking at you behind the tawkami' olo'eyktans leg.

she gasped softly, "anuk?"

the second the boy heard her call his name, he rushed over to her, engulfing her in the tightest hug he could give. 

"hi my little warrior, how are you? oh my you've gotten so big." you asked, scooping him up and hugging him to your chest. he hasn't actually gotten that much bigger. it was only about a few inches, but to na'vi, growth is growth. 

"i miss you koa..." was all the boy could whisper. "well you are with me now, anu', okay? let's enjoy our time together." you said as you tried to set the boy on the floor, but he only clung to you tighter.

"anuk, baby you have to let go, just for now, only for the mating ceremony. then i'll come find you after okay?" the boy whined and shook his head, hiding his face in your neck.

you sighed, knowing it was hard for him to be away from the only person who helped him heal from losing his sister, so you just held him tighter

"ma koa, we have to get going soon or the village will think you got cold feet." ronal reminded her soon to be daughter in law.

with that being said, the tawkami olo'eyktan spoke up, “i'm so sorry, koa, anuk, you have to let her go. it is her special day-" he reached for his son, but the boy shied away.

"no he's okay, sir." you reassured as you held the boy in your arms. 

"my poor boy. okay, come on." you said as you turned to your mothers, sisters, and the clan leaders with your head held high. this was the happiest anyone in the room had ever seen you. 

"i'm ready," you said.

you walked towards ao’nung while holding anuk in your arms. ao’nung, kneeling in front of the metkayinian tree of voices, couldn’t help but let his mind wonder about you having his kids and starting a family with him. you guys had been trying for a baby for a while, but it was like luck wasn’t on your side. 

seeing his mate-to-be holding a child was attractive, to say the least, but he quickly brought himself out of those thoughts and refocused on the love of his life. 

behind you stood eight olo’eyktans—one from each clan you visited along your journey. 

the anurai clan

the tawkami clan

the kekunan clan

the hulanta clan

the li’ona clan

the ni’awve clan

the olangi clan

and the rey’tanu clan

the clan leaders always found you out in the world, taking you in and giving you shelter and a home. which is why having them hand you off meant too much to you. they all treated you as if you were their daughter and never failed to make you feel at home no matter which clan you were in. but this, the metkayina clan, is where you want your forever home to be, and in the next few minutes it will be your forever home. 

finally, when you got to where ao’nung was standing, you turned to your clan leaders and, untraditionally, hugged them. it only took a few seconds for them to reciprocate it, but eventually, it was one big group hug, and all you could say was a small “thank you.” after releasing from the hug, she still acknowledged them with the “i see you” gesture. 

anuk allowed himself to be set on the ground, motioning “i see you” to you. it warmed your heart, so you mirrored his actions. the boy then walks over to his father, and the ceremony begins. you sit on your knees facing ao’nung, and once you settle, every na’vi present kneels along with the both of you as they prepare to watch your ceremony. 

all eyes were on you and ao’nung, and for a second, you remembered the 15-year-old who dreamed of this moment. although it isn’t with who you dreamed it would be, you would argue that the way things are now is better than any dream you’ve ever had. 

you and ao’nung didn’t break eye contact the entire ceremony. jake gave the speech about two young adults becoming one, and after what felt like the longest speech ever, it finally came time for you to create your tsaheylu. all nine clans went silent so the you both could have your moment. 

there was not a sound in the sky or a splash in the water. it was almost as if eywa had silenced all of the nature around you. she wanted you two to focus on each other and not on any of the sounds around you. 

the moment couldn’t have been more perfect. you reminded yourself to thank jake for mixing in some earthy wedding aspects to the mating ceremony, but you quickly regained focus, bringing your queue to your front. ao’nung mirrored your action, and you both held up the ends of your braid, watching the tendrils entangle. you released a soft gasp, and suddenly, your senses went through the roof. 

you can feel each other’s feelings

you can hear each other’s thoughts

you could feel each other’s heartbeat

listening to your heartbeat was like music to ao’nungs ears, but as he listened a little bit harder, he noticed something. he reminded himself to bring it up to you after the ceremony when you both are alone in your marui pod

you and ao’nung are now mated for life, and you couldn’t recall a happier moment. 

once the tsaheylu was created, both parties were given a few seconds to calm down. you opened your eyes, not even realizing that you closed them, and everything seemed to go in slow motion. you felt as if your world had stopped for a second. you and ao’nung were the only two things registering in your brain right now.

ao’nung, who was just as breathless as you, asked, “my mate, can i please kiss you?” bringing his hands to cup your cheeks.

you didn’t even respond. all you did was throw your arms around his neck to bring your mate into a kiss, and ao’nung wrapped his arms around your waist as he returned the kiss.

the clans erupted into cheers and cries of joy for the two of you. it seemed as if nature, the wind, the waters, and even the animals were cheering you on.  

eywa was giving you a chance to soak at this moment because your life will never be the same from here on out. 

and in your opinion, that’s a good thing

it was only a matter of minutes before you and ao’nung managed to slip away from the ceremony, finally having a moment of privacy

a moment to yourselves.

as you were still bonded with one another, it wasn’t hard for ao’nung to remember what he reminded himself to tell you during the ceremony. 

you sensed a slight shift in ao’nungs emotions, but you couldn’t pinpoint the feeling.

“ma koa, there is something i want to tell you.” your mate said.

you were curious, allowing him to continue without interruptions. 

“i noticed something during the ceremony,” he began, and the way he spoke was starting to sound like he was having doubts about mating with you. before you could drown, ao’nung sensed the heavy shift in your emotions and immediately began to reassure you. 

“koa, it is nothing bad. i am in love with you and i wouldn't want anyone else as my mate okay? that is not, at all, what this is about.”

“then what is this about” was the first thing you had said to him since you two got to this private area. 

“i heard something different about your heartbeat.” he said

you were confused. “i do not feel like anything is wrong, i mean my heart is beating fast but that is only because i am with you, my ao’,” you explained to your mate.

“That is not it. princess, there are two heartbeats… it is faint, but i am sure i can hear it.” ao’nung breathed.

you look at your lover to see him tearing up. 

“wha… you don’t mean….” it finally clicked for you. 

your mate hears two heartbeats in you, so that must mean…

“i’m pregnant.” the words were barely a whisper.

and then you were screaming out in joy, bringing your mate into the tightest hug you could muster as he reciprocated with just as much energy. 

“let’s go to my mother to confirm,” your mate said, pulling you up as you both ran back to the village.

rushing through the crowd, you finally found ronal, and you couldn’t contain your excitement. 

“I'M PREGNANT!!” you shouted, and it was as if everyone had heard you because everything seemed to pause. the music, the dancing, the singing, the chatting amongst each other. everything stopped. 

“is this true?,'' ronal questioned ao’nung, looking down at their connected queues. 

“we were hoping you could confirm it mother,”

“come quickly,” ronal took the two of you to her marui pod so she could check if what her son and his mate were saying was true.

it was only five minutes until you three emerged. 

“it has been confirmed. koa is pregnant.” ronal announced, and once again, the clans erupted into cheers and celebration, and honestly, it felt as if it was even louder this time around. Everyone rejoiced, if this day could get any better, it just did.

since you weren’t fortunate enough to have a good family growing up, you wanted to ensure that your child had the most loving, caring family imaginable. as you looked around, though, at all the na’vi mingling around the island, all the different clans joined together; you knew your child would undoubtedly have the best family anyone could ask for.

[kissagii]

Catch A Wave! - Isagi is willing to fail at surfing if you're teaching him

cw: 0.1k words, gn!reader, Isagi pining like a fool, food mentions.

a/n: a little bit of fluff for @hobieist's 1k celebration event - congrats again bby!!

Despite being an athlete, Isagi Yoichi has never had good balance. In the heat of a game his maneuvering abilities are top-notch, but in any other context, so much as standing on one foot has him wobbling and grasping at nearby objects to keep him steady.

So, naturally, surfing presents a challenge for him. Maybe it’s the way the board bobs in the waves and leans from side to side with every shift of his weight. Or maybe it’s the person teaching him, guiding him through every motion from catching a wave to landing near shore. And really, can he be blamed for not focusing when you look so beautiful surrounded by the glistening sea?

It’s been an hour since your surfing "lesson" began, and the cold of the water was beginning to leech into his very bones.

“Hey, can we go in?” He asks, “It’s getting cold.”

Over the crashing waves he can hardly be heard, so you move closer and make him repeat himself. With a shaky voice, he does: “I’m a little cold, can we head in?”

Though in truth, he’s no longer so cold. A bump of your leg against his sent sparks rocketing through his nervous system, dissipating the water’s chill like mist. Every touch of yours did that — every innocuous brush of skin on skin to guide him through the motions of a new sport.

“Yeah, of course, do you want to ride in together?”

Together?! Isagi’s heart nearly stops in its tracks. “Together? Like, on the same board, together?”

“Yeah, just for fun! I can send you in on your own though if you’d prefer,” You say cheerfully. Your smile is enough to wipe away any doubt that remained in Isagi’s mind — maybe it would be fun to share a board.

“Oh, uh, sure,” He says, enthusiasm badly disguised under a nonchalant facade. “What do you want me to do?”

His eyes don’t leave you as you move to the back of the board, watching the approaching swells for an acceptable wave. “You’ll kneel about halfway down the board and I’ll get behind you, sound good? Don’t worry about paddling or anything, just hold the board. I’ll do the work.”

Though he’s using a beginner’s longboard, it’s not exactly long enough for two. For the short minute that you’re on the wave, you’ll be very close to him. Too close. Far too close. His heart can’t take it, not with the way he’s been yearning hopelessly for your affection.

“Here’s our wave!” You exclaim, and Isagi scrambles to get into position exactly where you told him to be. The wave came too soon for his liking. He wanted at least a few minutes to regret his decision before he actually had to face it.

The wave is underneath him suddenly, threatening his death grip on the board’s sides, his muscles screaming to hold balance as you pop up behind him and begin guiding the board towards the shore. 

“Come on Isagi, stand up!” You urge, and though the words you say are carried off by the wind, your enthusiasm stays, “I’ll make sure you don’t fall, promise.”

While it’s not the graceful, fluid pop-up that you attempted to teach him, Isagi makes it to his feet, arms stuck out haphazardly for balance. Your hand lands on his shoulder, squeezing proudly. He registers the touch, blinks, and suddenly he’s nearly landed on the shore. When you bail you drag him down with you, landing in the shallows with a splash. 

“Was that fun?” You ask as you extend a hand to pull him up.

He takes your hand eagerly, “Yeah, really fun.” It was far more than fun, though. It was the highlight of his day; the highlight of his week, even; a chance to feel the sunlike warmth of your smile; his best attempt at earning your favor and the special place in your heart reserved for a lover.

“Wanna get a snack? There’s a place just down the street with the best donuts.”

With every moment this was turning out more and more like a date. Not like he minded. 

One of Isagi’s worst habits is following people like a lost puppy. He’d go anywhere if you asked and led the way, and in this case, the path was from the beach to your car to the hole-in-the-wall donut shop that had apparently been running since the sixties. In his flustered state, he hardly had the chance to protest when you took his order and bought it for him, refusing to be paid back as you make your way back down toward the beach.

“How’d you know about this place?” He asks, taking a bite of the pillowy bread and sweet icing. “The storefront is so…. dingy.”

“It’s locally famous, I promise. Do I really have to introduce you to everything important around here?”

His voice starts before his thoughts do — “Yeah, please do.” The genuine excitement and curiosity in his tone make him want to slap himself for sounding like a fool, though he’d really love it if you showed him your favorite places. Maybe they could be his favorite places too.

The way you laugh makes him want to slap himself slightly less, and your smile momentarily deletes all his self-doubt. “I’ll have to make a list for you, then.”

Other than a nod he’s not really sure how to respond, and as you lead him through the quaint streets leading toward the beach you fall into a comfortable silence. The sort of silence where neither party feels compelled to break the awkwardness, only relax and enjoy the unspoken affection.

In the silence, Isagi feels the urge to take your hand. It’s so close to his, moving back and forth slightly in time with your steps, and he’s sure it’s comfortingly warm. His rationality glitches for a mere moment, and suddenly your hand is in his, with the exact same warmth he was sure it would have.

“Do you have something you want to tell me, Isagi?” You ask teasingly, not even looking back at him.

Isagi fumbles with his words, heat creeping into his cheeks. “I- uh- you see- I-“

“I like you too, Isagi.” You fall back into step with him, bumping your shoulder against his. “And for the record, I think you look very kissable right now.”

“Pleasekissmeassoonaswegetbacktothebeach!”

[dracowars]

Hi again sweetie! Luke and reader where theyre all celebrating the whole end of the empire/death star and she gets absolutely drunk off her mind and sits on his lap and plays with his hands all giggly and theyre "just friends" and han (and leia) are having the time of his life teasing tf out of them?? Maybe in the morning shes embarrassed and apologises so lukes all sad bcs it was a "mistake" but they end up tgt later? Thankss lovee

booze and confessions | luke skywalker

pairing: luke x reader

word count: 1,9k

summary: where y/n celebrates the end of the war a little too much, ending in a confession

a/n: i feel like it has been ages since i wrote something even though it's not true lmao hope you enjoy lovely!! <3

warnings: angst, mentions of war, mentions of death

universe: star wars

To be honest, you have no idea how many drinks you already have in your system, but when if not today are you allowed to celebrate like this? After the Death Star was successfully destroyed, the Empire was defeated and peace and tranquility will return to the entirety of the galaxy. The age of fear and terror is over, the time of fighting is over and you can finally let yourself go. Finally, there is something to celebrate, something you have been working towards for years. And today, after all the suffering, that goal has been achieved and you could not be any happier to be right here, right now: on Endor, in the midst of numerous Ewoks dancing and partying, with your friends who fought alongside you all those years while the sky above you is lit up in a variety of colours.

However, the exertion of the day affects your body, your feet slowly starting to hurt from this long, fateful day and when you see Luke sitting at a table, with Han and Leia next to him, a break from all this celebrating suddenly sounds quite attractive and you stumble and stagger towards them.

"There he is! The man of the hour!", you chuckle happily as soon as you are near them, your arms spread wide as you head straight for Luke, who examines you with a small but shy smile. Before he can answer, however, you actually trip over your own feet and almost hit the ground if it wouldn't be for Luke's strong arms to prevent you from falling to the ground.

"Woah! Be careful!", Luke warns you, but what he does not expect is that you barely noticed your little misstep and just sit on his lap, giggling with joy. "I think someone had a drink or two too many."

"Are you talking about me? Don't you worry, Luke, I'm perfectly fine!", you cheekily smile at him, swaying a bit which is why he carefully puts one of his hands on your arm so you do not fall off your seat on top of him.

"Maybe you just didn’t have enough?", you tease him, showing him his glass, turning it upside down to emphasize that it is empty. Of course, this victory also comes with a lot of pain for Luke and Leia due to the loss of their father, but Luke has assured you several times that he is fine and that he still wants to celebrate this victory, in honor of his father.

That is also why you really wanted the two of you to have a good time together, but apparently you really had a few too many drinks.

"She definitely had too much", Han comments on your behaviour, sitting across from you with an arm around Leia, followed by a laugh. "I think I have rarely seen her like this and I have seen a lot."

"Han, you could use another drink, don't you think?", you answer him provocatively, but before you can elaborate, you feel the warmth of Luke's hand running up and down your arm. Heat rushes to your face, your cheeks turning red, but you just reach for his other hand and play with his fingers enthusiastically.

"I never thought I would see Ewoks in my life! I mean, did you look at them? They are so cute, I can't believe they stopped an army of stormtroopers by themselves!", you gush in awe upon watching these little creatures dance around their fire. "Don't worry, Luke. You are still cute as hell, too."

"Oh wow, it must sting to be compared to little furry bears", Han chuckles, putting his hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing out loud. Leia, also trying to hold back her laughter for her brother's sake, hits Han with her elbow.

"Stop it, Han. I am not even talking to you, just to Luke. Look at you! Such a beautiful face!", you grin, running your index finger along Luke's jawline. Your faces are so close now that they are almost touching and as soon as your eyes meet, the world around you becomes silent.

But just when Luke thinks you are about to close the gap between you, you throw your arms around his neck and place a kiss on his cheek, your arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

"I really love you, Luke", you whisper, or at least think you are whispering, because Han comments your words with inhaling in shock.

"No, that is news to me. I would never have expected that in my life, with the way you always look at each other-"

"Han!" Luke and Leia interrupt him at the same time and he immediately raises his hands in the air in defense, an expression of innocence on his face.

"It is not at all fun to say if you don't say it back, Luke", you sadly pout now, skillfully ignoring Han or not even noticing him due to your numbed senses. Because you are moving too much again, you almost slide off Luke's lap once more, but he holds you tight again in the last moment so that does not happen.

"Well, I think it is time for you to lie down now. It was a long evening and-"

"B-But we haven't even danced with each other yet!", you say indignantly as Luke stands up with you and immediately grab his hand, lifting it up to do several clumsy pirouettes underneath.

To prevent you from tripping over your own feet again, Luke casually lifts you into his arms, causing you to squeal as everything around you suddenly seems to spin even more. Not resisting or fighting back, enjoying the closeness you now have to him too much, you wave to Leia and Han over Luke's shoulder and let him carry you into one of the huts further up in the treetops.

Luke gently lays you down on the small mattress laid out in your hut and covers you with the blanket, sitting next to you. Your eyes are already half closed, but one of your hands is still clinging tightly to his.

"I love you too, you can't even imagine how much", Luke admits before giving you a kiss on the forehead and leaving you to your dreams, which for the first time are only consisting of positive things.

════════════

Scattered rays of light shine into your face, causing you to wake up far too early after the previous long night. Slowly, you open your eyes and listen to the soft rustling of the leaves outside. You stretch your arms above your head as you yawn and sit up, running your hands through your face as the first effects of last night make themselves noticeable.

You curse under your breath as you rise on shaky legs, having to hold onto the wall of the small hut to keep your balance. You already regret not drinking less yesterday, but it felt so good in the moment. Completely sleepy and not yet fully awake, you stumble out onto the wooden platform high up in the trees and stop in your tracks when you see Luke standing on the railing in front of you, looking out over the Ewok village.

The light wind blows through his hair and the sunlight causes his face to shine naturally. Barely able to take your eyes off him, memories of last night suddenly come to your mind and your heart beats faster. You can't remember everything, there are some missing parts in your memories, but what you can remember brings a blush to your cheeks in an instant.

Wanting nothing more than to immediately disappear back into your hut because you just do not want to be confronted with your actions of last night, you slowly turn around, retreating, but as soon as he says your name, you know he does not even need to see you to know you are there.

With a smile, Luke turns to you, leaning his back against the railing.

"Slept well?", he asks gently, but you think you can also hear a certain amount of concern in his voice.

With a nod, you slowly walk towards him, looking away because you just can't keep eye contact, too afraid of what you might see in his eyes.

"How are you?", you ask carefully as you lean over the railing next to him and he looks at you from the side, his focus solely on you which makes your cheek feel even warmer. Playing with a strand of rope that is holding the wood of the railing together, you wait for his answer, your heart beating loudly in your ears as your shoulders touch.

"I'm good. We won so..", Luke chuckles quietly, but immediately falls awkwardly silent again.

You stand next to each other in silence for several minutes, just listening to the wind and the peaceful sounds of the forest. But you both feel that there is something unspoken between you and neither of you knows how or whether to address it. Once Luke finally clears his throat, you brace yourself for the worst.

"You don't have to be embarrassed about what happened last night if that is why you are not speaking to me like you usually do", Luke addresses the rancor in the room and you want to run away and lock yourself up somewhere and just never come out again.

"Luke, I'm incredibly sorry. I-I had too much to drink and my behavior was completely inappropriate", you apologize to him, head down because you just can't manage to look at him without immediately turning bright red. Why are you suddenly so completely out of control of your emotions?

"Oh... I see. Uhm, you don't have to apologize. I mean, if it was just the effects of having too much to drink, then it was probably just a mistake.."

"W-What do you mean?", you ask in surprise, not knowing what he is trying to imply. Or maybe you do know and just do not want to admit it.

"Well, I mean- So I- Would it be wrong of me if, deep down, I hoped that it was more than that? That it was, maybe, real?"

"Luke, what are you talking about...?"

"Would it be so bad if it was real? Do you really feel about me that way?", he asks you and now you finally look into each other's eyes and you hold your breath, searching his eyes for any signs that will tell you what is going on, if he actually means his words.

"Because if that were the case, then all I can say is that I feel the same way about you. Maybe even more", he continues, not letting you speak as he takes your hands in his. "I really really love you too. I told you yesterday, but I don't think-"

"I know. I think I heard it", is the only thing you can say in response to his confession, your thoughts swirling around in your head. You never would have thought that he would feel the same way about you and for some reason your heart now beats a little more painfully than before because you just feel so much love for this man in front of you.

"As I told you yesterday, Luke: I really love you too", you admit openly and before you know it, he wraps you in his arms and hugs you as tightly as if you wouldn't experience the next day.

And in that moment you realize that you would never find a safer place than right here, in his arms. That no matter what comes your way in the future, nothing matters as long as you have each other. And finally, after all this time, you do have each other.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

I've thinking about this question… and I want to know your perspective:

At first I though British tabloids were kind of invasive and intrusive, I know Diana died in Paris, but somehow I attached it to the British media…

since this year, i´m not sure after what happened with Frederick and that woman, and how some media behave with Catherine (except for TMZ)... I´m not sure which media (Country) is more intrusive.

Given on your experience, which media/tabloide is worse that others?

You can't actually compare the media and tabloid culture that way. Or at least, I'm not comfortable comparing the cultures in that way because it leads to a really flawed analysis.

First, the tabloid culture of the '90s (which affected Diana) was incredibly different from the tabloid culture of the '00s (Kate) and incredibly different from the tabloid culture of today ('20s).

Second, the cultures between the different countries and their media enterprises is also incredibly different. What American media does isn't what British media does, which isn't what Spanish media does, which isn't what Italian or German or French media does.

In both respects, there's no established baseline standard of practice. And you need a baseline in order to set the scale to define what you mean by "worse." Because all of the examples anon cited are from very different times and from different countries, you can't really compare them to each other. So you really can't compare what Frederick went through media-wise with his affair in 2023 in Spain to what Diana went through in 1997 in France to what Kate went through in 2008 in England to what Meghan went through in 2016 in Canada. (And then you have to account for bias and familiarity; most of us only know the tabloid and media culture in the countries that we grew up in or that we're knowledgeable of. For instance, i know a lot about American tabloid culture because I'm an American and because I came of age on Perez Hilton's internet and I know quite a bit about British tabloid culture because of how long I've been a royal watcher. But I know next to nothing about tabloid culture from the '80s - beyond what I've seen in documentaries - or media from other countries.)

What can really only happen is looking within - e.g., if you look at just the tabloid culture of the '90s or of the '10s, or if you look at just the media in England or in Spain. But again, that requires even knowledge of all the countries and all the media/tabloids, rather than just the ones that you know really well.

I know this probably isn't the analysis or the answer that you were looking for, anon.

Focusing specifically on my own personal knowledge of British and American media and tabloid culture, my theory is that British tabloids and media were more viscious in the '90s. They were checked by the public after Diana's death when the backlash against mass consumption reached fever pitch with the likes of George Clooney and Tom Cruise laying the blame for her death specifically on consumers and paparazzi. So while the British tabloids were licking their wounds and trying to find a new star/celebrity to replace Diana (JFK Jr. worked for a bit but then he died), American media and tabloid culture grabbed ahold of the reigns and became the mean, viscious ones in the '00s by turning their coverage on the young female stars of Millennial Hollywood and being more critically- and gossipy-focused in their coverage. American media continued to be the meaner, viscious, "worse" ones until the mid-'10s, when the rise of social media checked them because social media, or Web 2.0 technologies/user-generated content, meant the famous people could control their own image through their own specifically and specially curated content. This is when we started to see the celebrities partnering with tabloids and paparazzi take prevalence (as opposed to the spontaneous stakeouts of known celeb hotspots) and that's where tabloid culture in the US and the UK is today - it's a partnership between the famous person and the publication or photographer.

I can't comment on Spanish media or how the tabloids contributed to Frederick's affair(s) because I know nothing about Spanish media, Danish media, and the Danish royal family.

[fatuismooches]

muzzle anon here- thx for HURTING ME SO MUCH :D !!! that dottore fic is 'THE' dottore fic for me now, I will read it over and over and over again, it was an amazing experience. AND I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT

Since you wrote how the raven and sparrow's destinies are intertwined. I was thinking of a reincarnation (modern) au? Idk if you would be interested but I just keep thinking of doctor zandik and fragile reader

Kinda would be ironic if zandik is still experimenting on people to find a cure for reader

Or maybe this time they are actually healthy and happy together?

Oh maybe one day Zandik remembers his past life? How he lost reader? How they both ahem went to the other side haha like the whole "you are as beautiful as the day I lost you" thing

They can also met at an university (like how they met at akademiya) it is giving soulmate vibes but hear me out. When they first see each other, they instantly know each other, they don't know how but there is just this bittersweet feeling. Both are questioning why do they feel this desire to hug each other like they have been apart for so long

(I still cant over the death of the segments, Omega, and the end tho. Beta is my fav segment but ZANDY? GONE? NOO and then Omega also? Considering how reader told Dottore they still loved him, maybe Omega thought reader hated him while dying- Like in the end he thought about how he lost the love of reader. How much he messed up? Ouch .)

Actually wait segments didnt die (delulu talk)

Dottore: it was a prank.

Reader: wha-

Segments: *was just about to celebrate their birthday but now feel guilty they just caused a borderline panic attack*

YESSS GRRRR- Imagine if thousands and thousands of years have passed and Teyvat is unrecognizable from what it once was. Elemental energy, Visions, what makes Teyvat, Teyvat, are no more, and the world is completely modernized. Since Celestia is gone as well, the eternal punishment handed to you and Dottore is finished and you two can finally be reincarnated, and perhaps this time fate may give you a happy ending.

Modern Doctor Zandik and fragile reader... your illness is so mysterious that no medicine or treatment seems to be able to cure it, no one knows what's going on with you despite all the medical advances, you get sent from doctor to doctor, clinic to hospital in hopes of a miracle but nothing... But Dottore, he is widely renowned as one of the best doctors in Teyvat, despite his... attitude. Now obviously you could never dream of affording the money to see him but, it just so happens he hears of your case and takes an interest in you... Now, he never expected to get attached to anyone, much less his patient but, it seems that history repeats itself... (unethical doctor part 2)

Happy and healthy reader... and having an instant connection with Zandik!! Oh my gosh yes. Zandik would be the most confused and annoyed because he had never felt a connection with anyone his whole life, he's always been the one by himself. He tries to ignore it, ignore the building feeling in his chest, but as fate would have it, he finds himself bumping into you far more frequently than he'd like. You've had enough of his pretty man constantly invading your mind, so you approach him one day and it all begins from there. (I imagine if he ever dreamed of his past life with you, it'd teach him not to take you for granted. Especially if it was after a fight with you or something.)

I imagine Omega didn't regret his actions, but he still deeply lamented his relationship with you - he missed whenever you'd barge in and lavish him with your affection, how you'd freely rant to him, how you loved him. All were replaced with stone coldness. But perhaps, this is the price of selfishness, one that he had to pay.

😭😭 Segments pranking you... they feel quite guilty but at the same time, it's really nice to think you care about them so much.

[acrossthewavesoftime]

top five things YOU have written 🫵🫵 that you're ok with sharing ofc :3

That's a very difficult and interesting question, thank you! :) I don't really know if I can pick five and rate them in a set hierarchy. I like many things I write, shorter and longer, finished and unfinished, so here are 5 that come to mind:

I don't write for it very often, but what I write, I enjoy writing a lot. The early 19th century AU which I came up with for @nordleuchten in which a few generations ago the Stuarts managed to produce some sort of heir, making the Hannovarians bog standard German provincial rulers instead of British monarchs. The man you know as George III and his heir, Prinz Georg stand to inherit the throne as it is expected that the Stuart line will come to an end in their lifetime. Georg is pretty much good old Prinny, who however decides to take drastic measures when he finds that being patronised by his dad as a grown man has become insufferable. He decides to take an alias and join the British navy, because what else cries freedom so much as watching romantic sunsets at sea? In the act of leaving clandestinely, he is caught by one Karoline von Braunschweig, a beloathed cousin acting as his mother's lady-in-waiting. Georg takes to life at sea like a duck to water despite the fact that it turns out to be nothing like what he imagined, and becomes a celebrated hero of the Napoleonic Wars. Hijinks ensue when his cover is blown, his brother Ernst tries to take over the succession, and he realises he doesn't actually loathe Karoline, quite on the contrary, really. Karoline meanwhile has to explain a big belly away, and George sails for a place called Trafalgar... It's all delightfully off and the real George and Caroline would probably disapprove, but sometimes, certain AUs are not meant to be very accurate, just a little silly.

Less silly and as far as my research goes, as close to history as possible, my story on Henry Clinton and Mary Baddeley. I have written so much about the two already, it's almost a novel. I am fascinated by the mutual respect, suppressed affection and surprisingly good documentation there is. Theoretically, their relationship is a communist party meeting worth of red flags; a power dynamic between employer and employee, a substantial age gap, Mary being very much reliant on Clinton's protection from beng sexually harrassed by an officer in her husband's regiment and him falling in love with her while she was pregnant with her husband's child are just the most obvious ones. Regardless of all these things, both, given time, found love. Let's hope I will finish it one day so we can have the big budget adaptation i'm dreaming of ever since learning about the two...

I have a similar thing going for the Graveses, which is a little more light-hearted in that both Mrs and Mr Admiral were two very outspoken people, with Margaret in particular passing judgements on people in her letters worthy of Jane Austen novels. There is some tragedy in that they met at a point in their lives where they both seem to have still been processing the death of a beloved loved one, and both helped raise a child that was not their own. Given their eventful lives, bubbly family and their very loud personalities, however, I think this one writes itself a little easier.

A Stuart AU in which Maria Beatrice d'Este, now Queen of England, has had enough. Identifying, in her mind, her husband's unchanging licentious ways as the reason why God takes all her children from her young, she decides to commit regicide when she realises she is pregnant once more, in order to protect this child at least; because if James is dead, he can no longer commits acts displeasing God, right? The flaws in her logic aside, she makes this last desperate attempt to suffocate James, the husband who has abused her for so long, both physically and mentally, in his sleep with a cushion, but fails as he wakes up. Fleeing England in the middle of the night, Maria Beatrice manages to find a passage to the continent and makes it to The Hague, where the Prince and Princess of Orange now have a political scandal on their hands. What ensues is an intense triangular situation in which everyone is faced with ghosts of the past; Maria Beatrice, who never wanted to get married and have children, is faced by the involuntarily childless Mary who would do everything to be a mother; William by his own conduct towards Mary when they were newly-wed, which he finds himself reminded of by some things Maria Beatrice recounts of her marriage, fearing he may have mistreated Mary, and all three of them by the question of who will one day be James' heir, Mary, or the baby, if it turns out to be a boy, Maria Beatrice is about to have? Includes such memorable scenes as the one in which William feeds a toddler potential pretender a waffle while engineering his ascension to the throne during a council meeting (hey, the waffle-thing at least is based on an event and person during his own childhood, so).

I'm currently writing a little something quite light-hearted featuring Louise de Kérouaille and exploring her perspective on her relationship with Charles II, which I find quite delightful.

If any of you want to know something else about the stories (since I don't post them to AO3), feel free to ask. :)

[howdothoughtscollide]

An Unwanted Goodbye

Dazai Osamu x idol!gn!reader

WARNING: mentions of suicide( you should've expected this) and kidnapping, major character death, angst, reader wear lipstick, very brief mentions of chuuya, akutagawa, ranpo and maybe atsushi(?)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Inspired by this post by @soysaucefu, I recommend you read it first.

Here he is again, at the first place that you met. Well, maybe not for you, but it was the first time for Dazai to hear such an enchanting voice that made him stop in his tracks.

The howling wind intertwined with his hair, giving him fluttering kisses of the cold evening and muffled all the bustling noises of the moving vehicles beneath him and the cheering of your fans. Dazai looks down to his phone, which is showing the livestream of your concert, as he spares no attention to watch your performance. You look so lovely and vibrant, singing while the colorful lights focus on your figure, as if you are the only shining star in the night sky. Right, you are his star, the one being so radiant that it hurts everytime he looks at you. 

You are the star that deserves all the love and affection of your fans, the one who always stands in the spotlight, while someone like him, only deserves to be faced with all the filth and ugliness of this world, thrown and drowned into the void of the night. 

This time, the song you’re performing is quite different from the first time Dazai heard you, different from your usual energetic and exciting style. It is so soft and fuzzy, like being wrapped up in a cozy blanket when it is stormy outside or being able to have a warm meal after a long and tiring day. And, there is also something unusual, that it carry such a …sad undertone, like the fact that you can’t help but feel under the weather while staring out as raindrops make harmonic thrumming against the window, like a lover waiting for their other half to come back after a long trip. 

Did you miss him, he wondered, as it has been a long time since he last basked in your comforting scent and encased in your tender embrace. Did your heart ache for your annoying lover, ache for the person who always pranks and causes scandals for you, for the one that makes you face major problems and dangers when his crimes are revealed.

Did you?

Dazai averts his eyes to the vivid stage across the busy street, where you are living with your passion and showing the world your dazzling beauty, one of his arms holding up. You’re looking so small now, fitting into the tiny gap between his thumb and index finger.

So little, yet so far away. Actually, too far that you’re out of where his arms can reach, and he couldn’t protect you when he wanted to, needed to. The memory was still fresh, as if yesterday was when you were kidnapped, hidden in a cold and humid place, and-

It’s all fine now, he thinks. All of that has ended, and now, you’re safe and sound, standing right before his eyes. And, soon enough, nothing can cause harm to you, Dazai will ensure it.

Ahh~, he is such a genius, isn’t he? Who could think of dying while listening to their darling’s sweet sweet voice? Well, how romantic of him~. He hopes you see the message he sent you, you’re his clever darling, surely you’ll understand it~. Dazai smiles to himself as undecipherable emotions swirl in his eyes, his gazes soften when it takes in your image, like wishing to burn the moment into his memory for eternity.

“Stay safe, belladonna.” He says as he embraces himself for the fall.

Eventually, the concert comes to an end, the lights are turned off, people pouring out of the gates and staff moving around to collect and pack up gears. 

After changing into your casual clothes, you quickly gather your stuff, shoving your phone into your bag since you can not wait to return to the comfort of your home.

“Y/N!” Your manager called out. “We’re going to a restaurant to celebrate the success of the concert, do you want to come along?”

“No thanks.”You shake your head. “All of my energy is drained by the concert, I’d rather just go home and lie in my bed right now.”

She flashes you a teasing smirk. “Oh? Eager to meet someone, aren’t you?”

You grin shyly, a tint of blush forming on your cheek.

“Then just go, I’ll take care of the rest.” Your manager waves you off .

You mutter a small ‘thank you’ before swiftly making your way out.

The car suddenly stops, disrupting the conversation between you and your personal assistant.

“What’s the problem?” You ask the driver.

He turns his head to face you, a frown appears on his face. “ I’m sorry, but it seems like an accident occurred and is causing a traffic jam. I think it will be long until the road is clear again and we can move forward.”

“An accident?” You tilt your head in confusion. “Well, if it will take that much time, I’d better go and have a look!”  You exclaimed cheerfully as you put on your mask and jumped out of the car excitedly.

“Ah! Please wait for me, you shouldn’t go alone like that.”  Your assistant is dumbfounded by your actions, and hurriedly follows you.

You weave through the traffic, taking note of a huge crowd before you. “Hm? What type of accidents do you think that requires so many police cars and attracts such enormous attention?”

Your assistant leans on the side of a car, catching her breath. “W-Well, it could be a crazy fan who want to draw attention. It’s right before the concert stage and you’re quite famous afterall.”

You quirks your brown in disbelief. “My fans? How so, they’re such lively and chaotic cookies, I doubt they’d pull off something like that.”

“Ha ha, yeah.” Your assistant laughs before she bumps her head against your back. “H-Huh? Why did you stop all of the sudden?”

She lightly tapped your shoulder, but you stood there, frozen.

It is fully displayed directly in front of your eyes, that messy brown hair, that beige trench coat, and even that white bandage, all dyed in scarlet, all too familiar. 

Ah, how can you be so careless and forget such simple things? 

The only one who would carry out such silly schemes on you, your biggest and craziest fan. Look, he’s even holding the handmade merchandise that he cherished so much.

You chuckled.“Osamu, wake up, stop messing around, you’re causing trouble for the police. Did you miss me that much? I promised I’d make up for you this week, didn’t I?”

But there were no answers. Dazai is still there, the hands that used to hold you is now so cold, the lips that used to whisper sweet nothings into your ears is now closed and so silent, and the face, the face that used to smile at you warmly is now painted with the color of crimson. Except, it's not the bloom when you tease him, not the lipstick smudge when you kiss him behind the stage, it's the color of the twisted fate, of the bitter farewell which needed no melancholic melodies or complicated words for him to sing it to you.

“You’re joking, r-right? Q-quit it with your little pranks, I-I may actually get mad at you, you know?” Your voice trembles as giggles and giggles pour out of your mouth, not noticing your quivering hands reaching out as a poor attempt to clasp his, just to be interrupted by police officers, or the worried glances your assistant shoots you while explaining the situation to them, or even the flickering of cameras and quiet murmurs of others. Well, why should you, when the sight of your lover alone has the ability to suspend the flow of time and take your breath away, especially now once overwhelmed with red? 

You blink, trying to make a clearer view of Dazai. 

Yet, it’s just getting more blurry and hazy. What’s covering your vision? What’s making your cheeks feel so warm? Questions echoed in your mind as darkness envelope your senses.

You wake up to the bright and golden sun rays tumbling through the flimsy and translucent curtains. Examining the room, it’s decorated with sturdy and substantial wooden furniture in a welcoming manner, but it’s a strange place, nonetheless.What happened?

“Oh my, you’re finally awaken.” You avert your eyes to the surprised voice of your assistant. “Here, please watch some TV.” She says before running off to announce the doctors and the manager.

You divert your attention back to the glowing screen, broadcasting daily news.

“Yesterday, a famous idol’s partner was found jumping from a tall building in front of where their concert took place. Police say that this could be a suicide but the reason is unknown and still need further investigation. The-”

Your eyes widen, memories start flooding in your head, the red and blue lights of police cars, the yellow and black stripe of the barricade tape, you remembered it all.

“Y/N!” Your manager thrust open the door. “Are you okay? Do you feel dizzy? The doctors will come soon, so sit here and rest for a little bit, will you?”

You nod blankly at her, not even sure about how to answer. Then, doctors and nurses enter the room to check up on you, and police officers question you about the incident. During the whole process, the only thing they received were just nods and shakes, along with dry and simple phrases departing from your mouth, as if you’re a robot that isn’t fully programmed and is learning how to speak.

Your manager is on the verge of pulling all her hair out, a troubled look on her face. You’re still alive and healthy, eating and sleeping like you’re supposed to. But that’s it, other times you just merely glance at the windows, immersed in your own spiral of thoughts.

Before your manager’s hands decide it’s time to go bald, she spots some tuff of light gray hair.

“You come, at last!!!” Is that tears on her face? “You’re his acquaintance, right? Please do something, this is their room”.

The boy was baffled by your manager, dark circles clearly evident under his eyes. “A-Ah, yes, I’ll try my best” He says before reluctantly twisting the door knob.

“H-Hi, It’s been a long time. Do you remember me? I’m Atsushi Nakajima from the Armed Detective Agency.” He seems to be nervous, fidgeting his hands and gluing his eyes to the floor. 

“I-I heard that you refused to leave the hospital, are you not feeling well? Ha ha, what am I even saying, you’re sitting right here.” He laughed it off, then a sigh escaped his lips. “I know that you’re feeling distressed and I understand, since he is also someone very important to me. We’re going to hold Dazai’s funeral in several days, do you think you can come?”

Upon hearing Dazai’s name, you whipped your head at Atsushi. He yelped, taken aback by your abrupt movements and your catatonic gaze. If you could see your eyes at the present, you’ll notice how it is devoid of any sparks, like gemstones that have lost its glimmer, like a bottomless abyss where emotions cease to exist. Similar, isn’t it? Alike to his eyes the first time you met, alike to his eyes on that specific night when he concludes there’s nothing in this world to hold him back.

Did he think you are not enough of a reason?

Before those ideas take over you, and before Atsushi could react, you close your eyes. “Thank you, Atsushi. I’ll attend the funeral, you can send the invitation to my manager. Please leave now.”  Your voice was calm but determined, leaving no rooms for objection.

After you hear a soft thud, you turn your head to the window again. And this time, you let yourself be devoured by those guesses and assumptions again.

As the unceasing cold and incessant raindrops knock on your face, it breaks you out of the scrambling voices in your head and the numbness of your body.

Ah, where are you again?

You eye the scene in front of you, a gingerbread man pointing at the grave and yelling insults while the staff try to calm him, a boy with choppy charcoal hair coughing and faintly muttering something along the lines of he can’t be defeated that easily. All of a sudden, you catch a glimpse of a short male wearing a brown hat and your legs move on their own before you even give it a second thought.

“Ranpo”. He looks at you with a serious expression. “You know the reason why, don’t you?” It took all of the air inside your throat just to utter those words out of your dry lips. “Why did he-”

“I think you will be the best one to answer that.”

He walks away, and instead of untying the knots, his statement only adds more to the confusing mess in your head.

“Y/N.” Atsushi steps up to you. “Dazai told me to give this to you, so it must be something important.” He opens his arm to reveal something shiny.

Right, of course it’s important, it’s the key to your shared apartment.

Click clack

The fluorescent light lit up your whole bedroom, uncovering the voluminous but dusty merchandise and memories.

The walls are full of posters, with the biggest one being the elegant and cottage themed photoshoot of Dazai holding your hand and kissing your knuckles. The bed and shelves are stuffed with handmade merchandise from a fan petition after they saw the chibi drawing Dazai had of you on him all the time. There’s even a shirt with your face printed out that his yellow-haired colleague threatened to rip off when Dazai wore it to work.

What day is it? Honestly, you can’t recall, you didn’t care to. You take out your phone that was tossed aside since the concert, the battery was concerning low. Well, today is-

One unseen message from Osamu Dazai

Just six words, but enough to make your thumb trembles with fear in order to press on the screen.

For a moment, there was only pure and thick silence in the room, then continual and hollow laughters attempting to take over, just to be absorbed by the denseness of the walls and agonizing sobs and incoherent whimpers.

If death take my hand-

It did, and now you’ve left pieces of you in me that if I tried to pull it out, it would just cause more unbearable pain and draw me with prodigious nostalgia on its path-

I would hold you with the other-

You said we’d clutch our hands and be in each other’s soothing warm if we commit double suicide. You said if we go down, then we go down together. And look at what you did, completely go against your words-

And my love will lead me to you everytime.

Osamu, the dead can’t return, and so do you. This isn’t even funny anymore. You silly, stupid, cruel, heartless, insensitive, bastard, liar-

You can keep crying and crying, until your voice is hoarse and your eyes are heavy. But there will be no one to alleviate your suffering or distract you by making a fool of themselves. No one, not anymore.

A/N: This is my first work, I tried to keep a serious tone but the longer it get the more my goofy side tried to win over. Guess I can't write angst seriously ¯_(ツ)_/¯. Also English isn't my first language, so sorry if there is any the grammar mistakes.

Anyways this is a poor attempt at thirst traps of Dazai falling of a building. You can see that I never watch thirst trap before lol.

Imagine you're crying over your lover's death but your fans made thirst traps of him dying 😐.

[perverse-idyll]

Thanks for tagging me, @danpuff-ao3! <3 And it's so good to see you talking about your fics again. I love your thoughtfulness about your work and the whole writing process. (And I love your work itself, of course.)

"Self-rec time! What are your favorite five fics that you've written and why? After replying to this ask, feel free to pass on to five other writers to spread the love. 💗"

This comes at an odd time for me because I feel very disconnected from my fic and deeply unimpressed by it. Every time I open the current chapter I'm working on, I think, "What an absolute slog." So maybe focusing on what I love (or remember loving) will rekindle the missing spark! Plus it's been umpteen weeks since I last posted here, and it would be good to show signs of life. (I'm not giving up on writing or my OTP. RL just kind of saps the will to live sometimes. Experience tells me this too shall pass.)

Tagging anyone who wishes to celebrate their faves because I'll be poking at this while at work, and it may take me hours*. *days, as it turns out.

I actually don't have that many fics, which is embarrassing, considering how long I've been in fandom. The same handful just keep cropping up. So I'm going to be really aggravating and mostly talk about WIPs:

The Afterlight - the Snape/Harry WIP I'm currently working/ intermittently fixated on. It's got a serial killer subplot that still hasn't kicked in after 52K words and a Denial of Feelings dysfunctional romance heavily influenced by the fact that both men died in canon and forever after have to live with that knowledge. (Here we have the author's perpetual Denial of (Snape-ish) Death on full display 😉). The fic features disillusioned!Harry, an offshoot of the angry!Harry who often turns up in my work, alongside a Snape whose feelings, whatever else they may be, are typically obsessive to the point of self-sacrifice. They fight a lot and fuck a lot and at one point Snape takes a curse for Harry. Hurt/comfort as courtship! Probably my schmaltziest ending ever, and quite likely a narrative mess, but it's got its hooks into me so I really want it to turn out halfway decent.

Year of the Thestral - the only non-WIP here, a Severus/Minerva fic I had on the back-burner for years and finally finished. It uses a dubcon relationship as a lens to examine the damage done to - and price exacted upon - all and sundry during Snape's year as headmaster. The conceit involves Minerva at the end of her life reminiscing to a biographer, finally facing the memories and meaning of Snape's actions, the layers of betrayal and inevitability of sacrifice, and the furious despair that lay behind Severus' treatment of her. It offers the possibility of forgiveness and even retrospective love, and is woven throughout with femslash feelings. For me, it's a meditation on the punishing aspects of Snape's agreement to play the monster, as well as a character study of McGonagall, undertaken as a tribute.

The Blood of Stars - possibly my favorite of my current WIPs, put on hiatus in 2014. It starts with Snape basically being kicked out of the afterlife by Dumbledore and Lily and discovering, as he searches Hogwarts' post-battle wreckage, that he can't speak to Harry. Literally, no words. Partly in retaliation, he commits an act of heartache and cruelty that affects Harry's marriage. But he also reappears at desperate moments in Harry's life to provide help. There's much to-do over an underground prison, a mutual fascination despite their problems communicating (although one might suggest that Snape's inability to tell Harry what he thinks actually improves the situation), two dramatic death scenes, and more afterlife shenanigans. It also has what may be my favorite ending for any fic I've written thus far, and I'm determined to finish it if only for those scenes alone. Oh, and it's my version of horribly romantic. Also, hubris: the entire middle section is written in first-person Harry POV, which I know will take out a chunk of my potential audience, but I wanted to try something I'd never done before. Anyway, it's next in line once I finish The Afterlight (yes, I know, how many years will that take? But hope springs eternal).

Impossible Without It - another Snarry WIP put on hiatus in 2014! Ah, I was so full of ideas then and struggling not to let the bastards get me down. Well, I haven't given up on this one, either. It's another angry!Harry fic (I do write optimistic!Harry, but really, none of my Harrys are well-adjusted). In fact, it's a memory-holed Harry who can't recall killing Voldemort and an amnesiac Snape who works in a Muggle gay bar. The story is told partly through their sexual addiction to each other, fueled by secrets and lies and out-of-control hunger, desire for vengeance and of course the question of what really happened the day Voldemort died and Harry lost that moment in time while Snape forgot crucial parts of who he is (like the fact he's a wizard). They don't treat each other well, but they become so bound up in their obsession they can't let go. Eventually Harry discovers a way to restore Snape's memories, and Snape makes him regret it. Believe it or not, this one has a happy ending! Well, depending on whether you think a rather fucked-up relationship can be described as 'happy.'

The Threefold Death, or: The Lost World (long version), Snarry, WIP. I was originally going to choose When the Rose & the Fire Are One, but I've singled it out often enough that at this point I'm not sure what's left to say. I had Threefold Death hidden in a collection for a while because I couldn't stand to look at it, but that didn't help so I've removed it from its cage. I'm still haunted by a lot of the scenes, and I love fooling around with fairy tale imagery. I also like playing with ambiguity: how much of Snape's love for Harry is his own and how much is the Forest using Snape to draw Harry into its clutches. Ditto Albus Severus, the third in their circle/cycle of debts and devotion, who can't stop setting off tragic consequences despite the best of intentions. (Well, maybe not the best.) The POV in this one starts with Harry and switches to Al, partly because I'm a sucker for outsider POV and partly because I want to examine Al as a mixture of Harry and Snape, neither as loving as his father nor as ruthless as his mentor and therefore the weakest link in this Game of Three. But it is ultimately his love for them both that closes the circle, and he's the one who ends up losing the most. (Sorry, Al! Even if it's partly your own fault.) And this is another ending with lines and images I'm rather proud of. Also a ton of bittersweetness. Ever since I hauled it out of storage, I've been having all sorts of daydreams about character moments, so this fic is definitely simmering again.

[smallraindrops-blog]

Late night WMFTD mermaid au stuff. I thought maybe some people would enjoy the HCs since i dont know when I will be able to post the fic.

Y/N

Titan mermaid, built for strength and speed. Apex predator and have hunting trails that go worldwide. These guys evolved to hunt big game such as great white sharks, orcas, dolphins, octopuses and the like.

they will eat almost anything however.

Their tails varied, but y/n’s tail is similar to orcas. He is also large even for a titan mermaid. His teeth are shark-like,however like all titans mermaids 

His clan/culture is very spartan. They pride themselves on being strong warriors and glory on the battlefield and the hunt. It is a great honor to die in such ways. For those who chose to give birth, dying in childbirth is an honorable death.

children and mates are highly valued, they even have a celebration once a year to bless all kids with strength and good health. Mates are given gifts. They are to be protected above all else 

It is common among mates to tease about eating the other for a snack. Bite marks are a sign of affection. both which isn’t common with other mermaid clans.

red is considered a lucky color, blessed by their goddess.

In the fic, he is the clan’s king after his parents had happily retired and his advisers had been hounding him to find a mate and produce heirs. His parents aren’t helping, often suggesting baby names to him over breakfast.

He took one look at Hypnos, who was barely awake when they met and fell right in love. 

Hypnos

Siren mermaid, beautiful creatures that adore living in warm sea waters, are often found in reefs or sunbathing on rocks. While they do occasionally eat seafood, they also eat seaweed and other plants.

They can hunt but mostly small, easy game. To coexist with the reef they only hunt outside of it and don’t eat anything that lives alongside them.

Which causes them problems when the orcas/sharks/everything bigger than them close by realize they make easy prey.

Tails and their colors are their crowning glory. The more jewel-tone the tail is, the higher the beauty. However colors follow a trend, and right now dark colors are in due to many wanting to be as beautiful as Queen Nyx and her deep amethyst tail.

They all really love shiny things.

Gender/sex is a joke to them, they can and often do change sex easily. Sometimes on the same day. Hypnos tends to favor his tail pattern with female sexual organs due to a more powerful shine while male sexual organs are more muted. 

Mates and children are more commonplace, so while loved and wished for dearly, there is no real big celebration for them beyond birthdays and personal anniversaries.

Mates will give each other high quality/rare food or goods as a sign of affection, it is believed jewelry is the ultimate show of how one prizes their mate. 

Y/N, to court hypnos, would bring all kinds of unique meat or food that his kind could never get their hands on, during dinner times where others could witness. Hypnos hated that it is actually kinda working. The jealous looks shot his way is just the cherry on top.

In the fic, Hypnos still doesn’t understand why a Titan king picked him. Or why he keeps commenting about eating Hypnos. Or why he kinda likes it. He just wants the damn whales to stop hunting his kind.

[asshlyyyy]

It's Only Love

Thank you so much for this request. I was actually writing something similar to this, and I still will. I want to try and get my request box cleared, and I really want to get back into writing.

I wanted to have this more on the happier end, considering I will have one that will be extreme sadness and angst. I hope that the comfort you wanted is present? I didn't do too much, more like... understanding and knowing Elvis.

Masterlist

Pairing: Elvis (or Austin!Elvis) x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Death, Sadness, Greif, Fluff, Spelling and Grammatical Errors Mostly Likely. Let me know if I missed any!

Word Count: 1.6k

"Could you do a fluff with Austin. Where the reader’s brother passed away and it’s his birthday and he just comforts her and they go to visit his grave"

In life, everyone had a mental priority list. If somehow you don't know what a priority list is, it is as simple as it sounds. It is a mental list that everyone has that shows who is the most important. Whom you rather be spending most of your time with. Whom you'd want to take the most care of. For some people the first person is themselves. For other people, it can be their significant other.

Your list was quite simple actually. First things first... the first person was your husband. You lived with him and breathed the same air as him twenty-four-seven. No matter his crazy ass schedule. You followed him everywhere he went, even if it meant you suffered just as much as he did. He was the love of your life, and you would do anything for him. Hell, you would risk your life if it meant saving him.

Next on your list came yourself. Just like your husband, self-care and self-health were very important. Being able to be openly available for your husband, and not have him have to deal with your own weight... just makes things quite easier. Not to mention, it's good to have a good self-care and self-love system. Because then you're less stressed, and your husband doesn't have to hold stress for you.

Third, on your list came your family. Now, this excludes your husband considering he is number one on your list. This includes the family you were born into. So, your mother... your father, and your brother. It was a small family, but it was your family. You loved them all very much. Nothing could lose your love for them. They all meant something to you and they all brought you something.

Your mother was an absolute angel. She always tended to you when you cried and made sure you knew how to understand your emotions. She also taught you how to care for others and how to understand their feelings. Your father taught you how to be tough. He taught you how to be rough. Your brother taught you almost everything else. When your parents were working, he took care of you. He taught you the things your parents didn't want to teach you.

Everyone else was below number three. Your friends, other relatives, Elvis' friends. They all appeared lower on your list. You wanted to focus your breath on people more important than those you hardly saw. Plus, you were sure that your friends were just using you at this point to get close to your husband.

A couple of weeks ago you got the worse news of your life. Your best friend, your older brother, passed away. Death affected everyone differently, and while someone like my husband can’t feel what I feel towards him, he still feels sad. He was a friend of his, and you were glad the two got along. You two were home when your mother phoned you. You broke down right there and couldn’t get the words out.

It wasn’t until later that night Elvis found out the news. So, while you dealt with the hard details of his death, Elvis took time off. He knew what it was like to lose a loved one. Especially a brother. He may have not known his, but still went through the same situation.

As you woke up, you felt your whole body fall apart. You knew what today was, and you’ve been dreading it since his passing. A birthday is a time to celebrate getting old int. Taking in a new age, but he was stuck at the age he died in. How do you celebrate something so happy, when they are no longer around? Do you just stop celebrating their birthday?

You were new to this whole death situation, and you didn’t like it. You didn’t know how you were supposed to do anything. Did you still celebrate their birthday? All these questions and you got no answers…

You stared at the ceiling blankly and shook your head. You turned to look at your husband, but instead, you just found his pillow and no body.  You let out a sigh and pushed yourself up into a sitting position and heard the door open. You turned your head and watched as Elvis walked in.

“Good mornin’ darlin’.” Elvis said as he noticed you were awake.

“Morning,” you replied tiredly.

“I figured we could go to the cemetery today?” He suggested as he opened up a few of the blinds. You looked at him confused. He wanted to go to the cemetery.

“You want to go…?” You confused. He let out a hum and nodded.

“I always visit ma mama on her birthday. Figured we could visit ya, brotha.” You smile softly and nodded.

“I would love that.” You replied.

You got yourself up out of bed and made it to the closest. You two get dressed and soon you two went downstairs. You decide it would be best to eat before you two leave. Of course, you two were going to stop to get some flowers. Why wouldn’t you? You couldn’t exactly buy anything for him to use, so get him some flowers to show that you care.

“What kind of flowers do you get someone?”

“Usually ones that remind you of them.” You replied as you looked at the selection of showers the shop had. Elvis hummed and looked around also.

Elvis picked up a bouquet of flowers and looked towards you, “what about their favorite flowers?”

“That too, but when its cases like this… well… it’s always best to go with ones that remind you of them.” You replied and looked at the flowers in his hands. You smiled and nodded. You didn’t know if he picked them up on purpose or not… but either way they were perfect.

“Yeah, these remind me of him. They hold that sense of… look I’ll fucking kill ya, but I’ll also love ya.” You rolled your eyes playfully at his explanation.

You took the flowers from him, “of course they do.”

You two went to the checkout and paid for the flowers. You then made your way over to the cemetery where your brother lay for the rest of time. It wasn’t that far of a drive, but it sure felt like forever. It felt like it did so long ago. The first drive out here was a painful one, and Elvis had to make many stops.

You’re still pained by his loss, but you knew that he was still around. He was up in heaven giving his advice now to those who need it. You smiled softly as the gates appeared in front of you. Maybe today wouldn’t be as bad as you thought it would be. You had your husband by your side and your brother.

“It’s not too bad outside,” you commented as you guys came to a stop.

“Not too cold, not too hot,” Elvis replied in response. You nodded and got out of the car.

Being in a cemetery can be quite frightening. There are hundreds of dead people, and not to mention these places can be sort of like a maze at some points. Never knowing where you are, or where the person you’re looking for is. It is all one big place to get lost in.

“You ready?” Elvis looked over at you.

You nodded in response, “let’s go.”

The two of you made your way over to his grave. Being here in the cemetery reminded you just how real this was. It always feels like a fever dream, but when you’re standing here… it is reality.

“Hi Aiden,” you said softly and laid the flowers down. “Happy birthday,” you smiled weakly.

Elvis wrapped his arms around you and held you close. “Happy birthday man.”

“You would’ve been thirty today. Ya old man,” you chuckled lightly

“‘M turnin’ thirty soon.” Elvis pointed out.

“And then you’ll be an old man,” you poked his chest lightly. You pulled away from him and sat down on the grass.

“Great, just great.” You laughed gently at his reaction and shook your head.

“Elvis picked those out for you, so if you don’t like it haunt his ass.” You talked to your older brother.

“Hey now, I didn’t sign up for a bullying class,” Elvis commented as he sat down beside you.

“You signed up for it when we got together. Don’t make this about yourself either, it’s Aiden’s birthday.”

“Oh, of course, my apologies. Go on,” he motioned his hand out. You chuckled lightly and rested your head against his shoulder.

“I thought today was going to be hard. Instead… it’s easy… It sucks that you’re stuck at twenty-nine forever… but at least you got to experience everything. Who wants to get old anyways? I think it’s overrated.”

“You think everythin’ is overrated,” Elvis spoke up.

“I don’t think you are.” You smiled at him.

“Mhm, just kissin’ up to me now.” You chuckled once more and closed your eyes gently.

“I miss you Aiden… we all do… but I know you’re here with us each and every day. Mostly because I know you would want to haunt us all.”

“Is that why my toothbrush is always downstairs?” Elvis started to question.

“Maybe,” you giggled and pushed Elvis lightly.

While a couple of hours ago today may have seemed like the hardest day… it turned into an easy day of remembrance. You got to spend it with your husband, and the two of you spent some time with Aiden. You really wished things turned out differently, but God had a path for everything… and he just reached the end of his.

Original Ask: "Could you do a fluff with Austin. Where the reader's brother passed away and it's his birthday and he just comforts her and they go to visit his grave."

If you don't know, my taglist is broken. While I work on figuring out a different method, I am just tagging mutuals. I hope to get it up and running in a little while.

Mutual Taglist: @babyhoneypresley, @emmymaehereeeeee, @venus-haze, @austinstyles

[inbetweenhours]

Headcannon for the seablings what if when they forget about their past they either lost their divinity and turned into babies or were kids in sea monster years and they just got turned into humans and got adopted or they were young adults or teenagers that found parental figures and since they couldn’t remember their mom they think of them as family even after they remember

maybe not lizzie because it’s Lizzie and she would not be open to any parental figures trying to guide her maybe siblings for her to guide because she is a big sister with out a younger sibling but Jimmy had lizzie acting as a parent/big sister he never had to worry about gathering food or not having a family member to seek comfort from so even if he doesn’t remember her I think any older person that would be willing to provide affection he would subconsciously latch on to

Lizzie created her empire and was the first ruler of the ocean in a very long time that she new of but the cod lands are older their have been many cod fathers and though i have headcanans about how they handle succession I’ll share the one

my head canon is that they choose the next cod father while the previous one is still alive to mentor them so even if Jimmy didn’t see his predecessor as a parent he new they well

if you have any family headcanons for the seablings after they lost their memory then can you draw them or draw the cod father before Jimmy since I assume there mom was the last ocean queen and you already drew her I’d love to see the past codfather even if They never met and it’s similar to Joel and his predecessor I wonder what your thoughts on previous codfather s are

Had to check my timeline sheet to answer this!! I love your ideas they're super fun! I'm gonna put a read more cut for my thoughts so I don't clutter everyone's dashes too much lol.

My personal fanon merlings age slower than other sentient species, they're actually the only one to do that in my lore! Many species have a longer than human life span, but tend to age at a similar rate. Merlings age about 1 year developmentally per every "human" 2.5 years. They are considered adults at 40 years, but arent technically done growing till about 50 (in the same way many humans are considered adults at 18-20, but don't finish growing till 25). Ages are a bit hard to count for Merlings as well because thy celebrate two "birthdays". Their egg day, and their hatching day. they tend to count personal age from when they hatch though. I have so many species notes you would not believe lol

Jimmy very much has a family in the Codlands! He was found there and was basically communally taken in! So he has a very strong connection with a lot of his people because they are like family for him! Jimmy actually celebrates his birthday the day the Codlands took him in because no one knew what day his egg was laid, nor when he hatched. He eventually figured it out after reconnecting with Lizzie, but I doubt she knew exactly when he hatched so they just share their egg day lol.

My notes on Lizzie says she found herself on the Mezalean coast when she first lost her memory, and grew up in the outer empire there before going to reconnect with the Ocean Empire. The Ocean Empire was being held together by a council after the old empress' death, and there were prophecies about The Blue Axolotl returning to claim the throne and lead the empire into a new age basically. So when Lizzie started reconnecting with the Ocean Empire she was recognized as being similar to the queen, and the council was more than happy to bring her into at least some power as a kind of hope symbol to the people. When she discovered her status as Blue Axolotl she already had some prep as queen and was able to take up her station in full.

The Codlands are interesting because they were a province of the Ocean Empire for a long time, and only claimed separation the year Jimmy hatched! Not that anyone really knew that at the time lol. The Ocean Empire had been greatly battered by a lot of war, especially with the salmonfolk who were from a different province. They also wanted independence, it was a fight. and after the brutal losses from it the council decided to be more negotiative with the Codlands instead of raising arms again. So the Codlands are a self governed dominion of the Ocean Empire.

The council is made up of members of its founding people, since by the time Jimmy is made Codfather the Codlands have only been self governed for 62 years. (i had to do math with my timeline dates,,,). So there was likely only one other Codfatehr before them, probably another founder.

The role of Codfather isn't a lifelong position necessarily, its something that was chosen by the council and can be revoked just as easily. So either that former Codfather resigned (he'd have been doing politics a lot after all, probably tired) or the council thought him unfit. Now there's Jimmy, young bright eyes merling. Heart and soul of the Codlands community, national darling tbh. Yeah that's a fantastic person to represent the nation! So the council basically find him, offer him the position. And who is he to refuse? and that's basically how that went. Codfather is mostly a figurehead title. They can make decisions, but the council can veto them if they want, tbh.

Anyways hope that answers your questions!! I'll try to get around to doing some Codfather art, or seablings childhood post hatching! I guess my seabling art with their mom was kinda cheating, since they only actually met her in my au lore. Not my fanon lol.

[lotusthewriter]

Some day, when your head is much lighter

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Peter & Tony, Peter & Nebula, Peter & Morgan

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Nebula, Morgan Stark; MINOR - Pepper Potts; MENTIONED - Guardians of the Galaxy (minus Gamora), Happy Hogan, James "Rhodey" Rhodes

Summary: As they all celebrate Tony's return home, Peter feels like an outsider.

Nebula may relate a bit too much to the feeling.

Word count:

AO3

A/N: Heads up that on AO3 the fic is split in two chapters, but here I published the whole story in one post.

I bet a fic like this exists already, but I think Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 inspired me, so I ended up writing this thingy. Well, besides my dad treating me like shit as usual, resulting in a clingy and needy author writing paternal affection to soothe their lack of it. And I once again ended up writing 5k of self-indulgent hurt/comfort.

Also kind of a salt fic, mainly because we were robbed of more Nebula and Tony - and better yet, Nebula and Peter. They all deserve happiness!!! They deserve to be friends!!! To be family!!!!

Anyway, the Guardians are buddies with the Ironfam because of Nebula, while the Rogues/Avengers should stay as far away from Tony as possible, lmao.

Please be aware of the trigger warnings listed below.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - past canonical character death, suicidal thoughts/ideation, grief, implied past child abuse and depression.

Hate will be blocked. P/roship DNI.

--

Parties were never really his thing.

This one is different, though.

After practically two months, Tony Stark, the savior of the universe, is back home with his family.

His real family.

Aunt May couldn’t come due to all the housing issues they’ve been facing since returning from the Snap, so for old times’ sake, Happy went all the way to Peter’s current apartment to take him to the peaceful lake house the Potts-Starks have decided to retire in.

The trip felt… uncomfortable.

Happy of all people tried to get Peter to talk, in the most awkward way imaginable. Eventually, Happy would only shoot him sad glances, not at all grumpy, until Peter quietly asked him to give him some privacy for now (of course, not rudely). The boy didn’t even listen to music while he delved into New York City. Save for new stores and buildings, for the most part it didn’t look so awfully different to the human eye.

But Peter knew better than that. He sees more than the average person did. And that’s a curse.

It certainly is with Peter here, in this party that he should actually care about.

The teen gets to see Tony with the biggest smile on his face, despite the scars and the metal arm he built himself. He gets to see Pepper and Morgan, now relieved that Tony is not trapped in a hospital bed anymore. Even the… Guardians of the Galaxy have come along, like they’ve been Tony’s friends this whole time, despite the events that initially brought them together, and those that separated them as well.

Everyone is fine.

They’re exhausted and hurt, but they’re fine, because for now they celebrate.

Peter, however, has nothing to celebrate. When he should have.

This feels like Liz’s party, but at least back then Peter had Ned with him. At least things were easier. Not better , but easier .

What makes this all worse is that everyone is trying.

Like Happy did in the car, Morgan is constantly taking his hand and grinning at him with her adorable dark eyes, trying to lure him into her antics – she’ll whisper in his ear to beg him to be Spider-Man and grab all the juice pops for her –, and then Pepper immediately finds them and she will reassure Peter he doesn’t have to do anything the little “burglar” says, so Morgan will pretend to be innocent and she’ll run somewhere else. After this, Pepper is sweet and attentive towards Peter, smoothing his brown curls like she’s always done this, like he’s been her child from the moment he was born. While Rhodey likes joking with Tony, the former is incredibly soft and patient with the boy, telling Peter he can always tell everyone to stop smothering him, half-joking, half-meaningfully. Finally, the Star-Lord, who’s apparently also named after Peter, tries to sound like his cool older brother/cousin figure, only for him to end up sounding even more unaware than Uncle Ben, since Quill hasn’t been to Earth in forever. Everyone laughs when Peter accidentally implies that Quill is an old man since he has no idea how smartphones work, for a guy that has a spaceship and everything.

Admittedly, talking to the Guardians of the Galaxy kind of helps Peter get distracted from his haunting thoughts, since he ends up acting like a guide to them, in cultural terms. So you’ll basically find a teenager showing a group of aliens – and animals (as Peter eyes the walking raccoon that does not like being called a raccoon) – random memes. Drax doesn’t get the majority of them, and he demands explanations. Honestly, nobody but Groot gets it, even if all he says is “I am Groot”.

Peter never had a chance to know these guys better, as they all had to face Thanos and save the universe, so… this is nice.

That is, when Morgan steals Peter again – as well as the blue girl with black eyes, Nebula, if he’s not mistaken – to beg him to know when they’re going to play and get the juice pops. Suddenly, all the Guardians tune in and Drax “the Destroyer” is all for doing justice for the “Iron Daughter”, which draws Pepper’s attention, Tony’s and Rhodey’s laughter, and Happy doing his best to not let chaos rule the house, even if he might be secretly laughing as well.

And Peter is just… there .

He has been just there from the very beginning and… there’s nothing left for him to do.

This shouldn’t be upsetting. Peter should be laughing with them. He should be happy that Tony is alive. He should be grateful he’s here with him and everyone else.

But he isn’t.

He can’t keep pretending.

Peter flees the scene when he’s sure no one will notice, so he’s outside by the lake, facing the distant buildings he’s grown up with. The teenager already wonders how in the hell he’s going to leave without asking Happy, because he certainly doesn’t want to cause any more trouble for them. Peter does have his homemade suit with him, since it’s a habit he’ll never grow out of, but again, there aren’t any buildings in this area, and trees aren’t exactly stable enough for web shooting. Not to mention how expensive a cab would be to leave such an isolated place.

In the middle of his overthinking, a presence approaches, somehow undetectable by his enhanced senses at first.

“You’re leaving?”

It’s… truly not the voice you’d expect.

Peter turns around to find Nebula, who observes him with a knowing look… yet not judgmental. She doesn’t look confused by him leaving, either. She just pointed it out.

He opens his mouth but he only makes weird noises instead of words, hiding his cell phone since he’s already been caught, and fidgeting nervously.

“I- I-I dunno,” Peter manages, “I just…”

The arachnid teenager truly has no idea what to say. Every excuse he can come up with only sounds more and more dickish.

Nebula hums.

“Although you smiled the entire time, and were even socializing well with others…” Her eyes are deep like outer space. “All you wanted was to escape.”

Peter bites his lip. Nebula doesn’t sound like she knows the whole truth. Once again, she just observes and wants to confirm her suspicions.

“I-I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

Nebula shakes her head. “You don’t need to apologize for wanting to escape.”

Peter frowns, looking down.

“I-I don’t want to be ungrateful, I know everyone wants me to be here and- and you’re all trying really hard to make me feel comfortable, but…”

The cyborg crosses her arms, yet again, not in a way to make him feel bad.

Peter sighs. “I just feel like I don’t belong.”

His voice sounds wet and broken. Honestly, he’s been wanting to cry the moment he stepped here.

“These past few months have been so hard for me,” the boy opens up, despite Nebula being basically a stranger to him. “I already have to deal with the fact I turned into dust and woke up five years later. I have to get home and realize nothing is the same, I realize how much I’ve lost. People have moved on from me. And yet I have to go to school and be a normal boy like none of the things I mentioned ever happened. A-And then, I almost lost Mr. Stark, and he was isolated in the hospital this entire time… the staff told me I had to be his actual family to visit him.” Peter sniffs, drying his eye with his sleeve. “And even though I know Mr. Stark and Mrs. Potts would do everything to include me in their family, I still… never went after that. It doesn’t make sense, does it? I’m hurt that they didn’t let me see him… but I also didn’t have the heart to tell them I was hurt. Not to mention seeing him in that state… I don’t think I could handle the sight.”

Peter doesn’t look at Nebula at all, though he’s aware she’s listening in silence the whole time. She seems to have stepped closer to him, but they keep a fair distance from each other. He half realizes Nebula seems to have… glitter on her face, probably thanks to Morgan. He would have laughed if he weren’t breaking down.

“Like, even the Guardians are way better at this than me! At being their family!” Peter resumes. “It’s like they’ve been Mr. Stark’s friends since forever, like they weren’t dead for FIVE YEARS or the fact that they barely know him!”

He hates how childish he sounds right now, how needy and spoiled he is for being upset about all of this; especially after just admitting that he never bothered to tell Mr. Stark what he wants.

Peter dries his tears because he doesn’t want them to be seen, to be discovered, even if Nebula looks like the best person to keep secrets.

“S-See? The problem isn’t them, it’s me,” he says, angry. “They want me to matter, but it’s pointless. I’m not worth anything, ‘cause I can’t do anything right.”

He only remains cleaning his face meaninglessly with his shirt while Nebula is quiet, maybe shocked or sympathetic, he doesn’t really know. Peter also makes sure nobody else is watching them, which thankfully seems to be the case.

Either way, the boy dries the water and snot until his eyes shut up… besides Nebula finally saying something for once.

“... you are not the problem.”

Peter frowns. “What?”

“You’re not the problem,” Nebula repeats patiently.

“Why?” He’s too distraught to apologize for the slight lashing out.

Nebula, however, is unfazed by the reaction.

“I… never had anything,” she starts. “Thanos stripped everything away from me. And when he killed half of the universe… somehow I managed to have less than nothing. But then… I had Tony.” Nebula is the one looking away, staring at the lake. “We were the only survivors.”

Peter watches her not shed a single tear.

“It only lasted a few days, but they felt so long. We were out of food and gas. Even still, he made sure to look after me. We even played games together. He… praised me. Tony barely knew me and yet… he liked me,” Nebula contemplates. “And he was going to die. I knew I couldn’t do anything… but I did what I could.”

She pauses.

“After we were saved, I thought he’d be better off without me. I knew he had a family,” Nebula admits. “But whenever I was available, I’d find myself getting repairs and updates the most carefully I have ever witnessed. I’d find myself drinking… hot chocolate. And sometimes babysitting Morgan. So… I ended up being part of his family, I guess.” She shrugs affectionately, a shy smile even surfacing there. “I never thought I’d be part of a family. The Guardians didn’t convince me otherwise, not at first. It was Tony’s.” She stops again. “It might not look like it, but to this day, I still believe I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to be taken care of. I don’t deserve Tony loving me the way my father never did.” Now her voice is the one which breaks.

Peter watches her this whole time, without breaking down again. Nebula seems to be tough, but at the same time she’s being very vulnerable right now. She ends up letting out a deep sigh.

“What I mean is… you have every right to feel hurt or alone, or out of place. That does not make you a bad person. That is not your fault,” Nebula reassures him. “And most importantly, you deserve help for that. You deserve love.”

Peter looks at her with his well-known puppy eyes, like Tony would call them.

He wants to say something – he should, but not sure what it’d be.

The blue cyborg stands awkwardly next to him, probably feeling the same way, especially after the two of them opened up so deeply like that. Nebula likely believes that she might have not helped much, hence why she’s going back to the house without a lot of certainty (or she’s really not the best at socializing, given she’s, you know. An alien).

When she’s about to leave, Peter finally lets out:

“Hey, Nebula?”

She merely turns around.

“Th… Thank you,” Peter smiles, “for looking after Mr. Stark.”

Nebula’s expression manages to soften even more. If she weren’t a cyborg, Peter is almost sure her cheeks would be red.

She nods, not saying anything. She doesn’t have to for Peter’s grin to widen.

Now, he’s rather unsure what to do. Maybe he’ll stick out here for a while, throw rocks to the lake with his super strength and see how far they can go. He doesn’t get to decide with Morgan coming back… only she’s on Tony’s lap.

“Petey! Aunt Nebula!” The little girl smiles. “Where were you? You should’ve seen Mr. Drax falling asleep in just three seconds! Without any bedtime story!”

“Mantis had to stop the big guy before he ripped our fridge apart,” Tony explains, smirking.

“Are you okay, Petey-pie?” Morgan asks, worried.

“O-Oh.” Great, that question. Why is he so obvious? “Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Morgan.”

“It’s okay. Daddy says everyone needs some good cry every now and then. And at least you weren’t alone!”

“Yeah,” Peter sniffs as he briefly smiles at Nebula.

He feels too embarrassed to look at Tony back, knowing the older man is staring at him with those big concerned eyes of his.

Due to the heavy silence, Nebula suddenly walks to Tony to talk to Morgan, her low voice softening and even sounding playful. Just vaguely.

“What do you say we prank Drax while he’s asleep?” Nebula suggests. “We could put some glitter on his face, too.”

Morgan gasps, excited. “Yeah! He’s a Guardian of the Galaxy, so he needs to shine reeeeally bright!”

“That’s right,” Nebula smiles, picking the girl up.

“Are you coming, Petey?” Morgan wonders.

Before the boy can even open his mouth, Tony speaks for him.

“We’ll be right back at you, Morguna,” he winks at her. She returns the gesture, so Morgan hugs Nebula, who seems completely alright with the affection. When Peter first met her, he never thought the cyborg would be so sweet with children.

Only for the teen to realize, he’s alone with Tony. Perhaps the first time in so long. They feel like strangers even if Tony tries not to leave that impression.

The last time they were together… Tony was dying in front of him, and all Peter wanted was to hold onto him, because he couldn’t handle losing someone else. It had felt like losing Uncle Ben all over again, and Peter wanted to push everyone else away to save Tony, to cry and mourn, and beg him to stay, to not leave him.

Peter can only understand how Nebula must have felt when she also thought she’d lose the only person that ever made her feel loved.

Tony is back.

Then why isn’t Peter happy?

“Pete?”

He can’t even look at Tony.

Peter is so ungrateful.

“Hey, buddy… you don’t need to hide your tears from me,” the man says softly. “You don’t have to be fine for my sake, or anyone’s sake.”

Peter knows that, and it only makes him want to cry harder.

When Tony approaches him, while still not directly touching him, Peter smells wood, which is… quite new for him. That and a shampoo that screams “Dad” shampoo. However, he smells the same oil and coffee that brings Peter back to their lab days. It brings him back to the nights the boy stayed over at the Compound, watching movies with his mentor, accidentally falling asleep on the hero’s shoulder, and not realizing it until he was wrapped up in a blanket and too tired and comfortable to move. It reminds Peter of when Tony put a hand behind his neck, his fingers running through the former’s curls, as the teen was being crushed by the weight of his grief, the weight of bullying and loneliness. It reminds Peter of when he felt loved despite the entire world telling him otherwise.

Everything has changed so much now, but in the end… Peter can still find some of the old smell of home.

He’s… home.

It doesn’t look like it, at all.

But he’s home.

And he loses it.

Unlike in the battlefield, Peter rushes to Tony’s arms before anything bad happens to separate them again. Before anything and anyone can take Tony away from him.

“I’m sorry!” Peter sobs, “I’m sorry, I missed you, I thought you’d–!”

“Hey, hey, hey… it’s alright, Peter.” Tony just soothes his back up and down. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Peter weeps, “I’m sorry.”

“Shhh… you have nothing to apologize for. Nothing, do you hear me?”

Tony sounds so incredibly patient that it only has Peter cry more in his shoulder, at this point too out of it to apologize for wetting Tony’s dad-looking sweater. Peter just buries himself in his mentor’s shoulder, wanting to be wrapped up in his home again, to feel like he belongs somewhere again. He’s missed this so damn much…

“I missed you,” Peter whispers, voice high like a child’s. “So much…”

Tony laughs wetly, squeezing the teenager in his arms, and kissing his head many times. “I missed you too, kiddo. You have no idea.”

His right arm is a little more solid than the rest of his body, but it’s still the same arms that have always loved Peter. The arachnid isn’t hugging the armor this time. They’re not fighting an evil overlord. They’re home again.

Tony just calms him down and never once complains about how long it takes. He’s willing to stay forever if Peter needs it. Truly, he doesn’t know what he did to deserve… a father like Tony Stark.

Although he’s grateful, the black hole in him aches again, absorbing his joy. That’s how his life feels most of the time.

“I’m sorry,” Peter repeats.

“Peter…” Tony sounds pained.

“N-No, I mean it. You were all doing everything to welcome me, and I just… didn’t say anything. I just left.”

Tony just looks heartbroken, his flesh and mechanical arms wiping some of Peter’s tears for him.

“I thought…” Peter gulps. “I thought of leaving without anyone knowing. I didn’t feel right staying in there. Ever since I came back, nothing has felt right, but it feels like I’m expected to live like I didn’t literally die . A-And even though you’re trying to help me feel less alone… I still feel alone. And that’s not your fault.”

His mentor looks like he’s about to hug Peter the same way he did when they reunited, only for the boy to say more.

“I-I guess I’ve always felt like this, but… I still felt like I had something, before this all happened. But now, I don’t have anything and I feel like everyone has lived on well without me. You might try to include me, but… I can see it. I see how you guys interact. How… better you are without me.” He sniffs grossly. “The Guardians were gone for five years too, but they’re having so much fun, celebrating your return. I know I should be, too. I-I’m so relieved you’re back home, Mr. Stark,” Peter insists. “B-But I don’t feel like… I’m home. It’s like I lost it. Forever.”

The boy lowers his head, staring at the dirt, the ground reminding him of his own demise. He’s stepping on it like… he belongs there.

“I-I f-feel like… like…” Peter cries, scared of Tony’s reaction, “like maybe I shouldn’t have come back.” He feels so much like a little kid. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? Peter didn’t grow up with Tony. He’s stuck in a teenage body when he should be a young adult. “M-Maybe I… I should have just stayed dead.”

With the way Tony’s hands stop gently touching Peter’s face, the latter is sobbing furiously again.

Maybe now, he should leave.

Leave and never return.

Peter never wanted to admit these thoughts to anyone, because they just make him realize how much of a horrible person he is.

When his instinct tells him to run and hide, and never – ever – return, Tony’s left hand stops him, grabbing his arm firmly but not to the point of hurting it. If anything, it seems to shake silently.

“M-Mr. Stark, l-let me go,” he begs.

“You’re not better off dead.”

Tony is quiet and gentle, yet he appears to be close to breaking down, too.

“I-It doesn’t feel like it,” Peter bites.

“I know.”

The way Tony speaks… the way he’s rubbing Peter’s arm…

The boy wants to reject it, but he can’t.

“Let me help you, Peter,” Tony quietly pleads.

“Nobody can help me.”

“That’s not true.”

“Then why hasn’t it gotten better? Why do I keep losing everyone and- and everything? Why does life just get worse every time I think it’s going to get better?”

“Because it sucks. I know it does.”

Tony is behaving a lot like Nebula right now. They both speak from experience. Only here, Tony doesn’t explain where it comes from. Maybe because, right now, it’s not the focus.

“I’m…” Peter lowers the defenses. “I’m so tired, Tony.”

“I know, Pete.”

Like this, Tony is hugging him again.

“You can rest now,” he promises.

Peter cries once again, and it only hurts even more. Yet somehow, the crying is less desperate and loud. It’s more… here , if that makes sense.

He knows more than anyone that this is not enough for the black hole inside him. Nothing is enough for the black hole.

Still… Tony is able to quiet it down.

With just this one hug.

So, Peter just holds onto it.

It's true, then. That sometimes, a hug is really all you need to know that things will be alright.

--

They don't even notice the time pass until the Guardians come to say goodbye, though they almost retreat in respect, seeing that Peter and Tony were having a moment. Peter is the one who reassures them it’s alright. Each of the Guardians comforts the teenager in some way. Quill even suggests they should cruise in space some of these days, whenever he feels like escaping Earth. Obviously, with the glare Tony gives him, Quill ensures that Peter will have all the resources needed, including some great taste in music, or so he says. Either way, it… doesn’t actually sound like a bad idea.

Nebula promises she’ll keep visiting as well, or at least make video calls in case she’s stuck out there. She also tells Peter to keep in touch with her whenever he needs. He smiles and raises a hand for her to shake. She returns both gestures, and hopes he gets to feel better soon.

Rhodey and Happy still stick around the lake house while the spaceship flies away, mostly so they help Pepper clean the house. Peter would’ve helped, but Morgan takes his hand to show him his room. Not her room, but… his . Tony sighs dramatically that she ruined the surprise, but he joins the duo to what appears to be an untouched bedroom.

Morgan tells him to close his eyes and not peek.

“I have enhanced senses, Morgan,” Peter gently reminds her.

“Then turn them off!”

The boy giggles. “Okay, okay.” He even covers his eyes with his free hand.

Obviously, he can’t turn his senses off, but he keeps it up for her.

The room smells… very clean.

“O-kay, you can look!” Morgan instructs him.

When he sees…

He gasps.

Besides the exact same Star Wars posters he had at the Compound – and some new –, there are hand-made drawings of Spider-Man shooting webs. They’re all signed with Morgan’s name, and some appear to include Nebula’s as well. There are a couple colored lightbulbs, red, blue, and yellow gold, hanging in the ceiling, and then… Peter notices a few pictures by the other wall, most of which feature Peter and Tony in the lab, or whenever Pepper or Rhodey were able to capture them sharing a sweet moment.

But what really has Peter laugh and almost cry again is a photo of a small Peter Parker in the Stark Expo, Uncle Ben picking him up and laughing like his nephew was his whole world. The little boy, his true identity hidden behind an Iron Man mask, is pointing his toy repulsor at May, who took the picture while she also laughed like an angel.

“What do you think, kiddo?” Tony asks.

Peter laughs more, quietly. “I-It’s… It’s perfect.”

“I’m gonna design my own suits for you!” Morgan states rather determinedly.

“Oh, I would love that, Mo,” Peter squeezes her in a half hug, making her giggle. Meanwhile, Tony is looking at his kids with the proudest gaze he’s ever given someone.

Tony eventually leaves to help Pepper and the others, allowing Peter and Morgan to interact more properly. She shows him the books, comics and graphic novels she helped her father pick for Peter. Some of them were also hand-made stories about Spider-Man and his adventures, including his antics with Iron Man. As Morgan reads them to Peter (she sits on a chair next to his bed), the latter is very much invested. He knew that Tony probably told Morgan those stories, since they were all specific and familiar to Peter. Her comics bring the biggest smile to his face.

It feels like the day will never end, in the good way, when Pepper arrives (only she doesn’t interrupt them just yet, also looking like she probably took a picture of them like this, since she has her phone in her hand) to tell them it’s Morgan’s bedtime. Tony is next to his wife with curious eyes while the woman asks Peter if he’s going to stay overnight, as Happy is ready to leave and take him home if he wants.

As he lies in his bed, Peter… shakes his head.

“I’m already home.”

Tony looks like he’s about to cry at any moment, while Pepper and Morgan smile affectionately.

“You can come home whenever you want or need, okay?” Pepper touches his hair softly again.

“Okay.”

“Now, say good night to Peter, sweetie,” she tells her daughter.

“Wait! Can I kiss Petey good night?”

“Sure you can, Mo,” Peter smiles.

Thus, Pepper helps Morgan reach his forehead, her little lips touching it like it’s precious. Peter returns the affection with a smooch on her cheek.

“Nighty-night, Petey-pie,” Morgan says.

“Good night, honey,” Pepper kisses his head next.

“G’night.”

As the two leave, Tony comes in, silently, wearing a… Mandalorian hoodie. Mainly one where he’s protecting Grogu, if Peter is not mistaken. Tony doesn’t come to kiss him good night just yet.

“She read you the stories of Petey-pie?” He teases.

Peter snorts. “She’s the only one allowed to call me that.”

“You don’t have much of a choice here.”

They don’t really engage in further with the snark competition, not as Peter holds the blanket as if someone is going to take it away from him.

“Y-You’re not going to bed?” Peter asks.

“Yeah… but I still felt like my kid needed me. Guess you’re not the only one with Peter Tingles in the family.”

Peter rolls his eyes affectionately. Even then, Tony always sounds so… certain when it comes to the boy.

“This… might sound stupid, I dunno,” Peter gulps, “but… I d-don’t wanna wake up and… lose this, y’know?”

He expects Tony to reassure him that Peter won’t lose anything… only to come across the most tragic expression in the universe.

“... me neither,” the man whispers, likely something not even Pepper and Morgan know.

Peter doesn’t know what to say… other than shyly scooting over to the side.

Tony smiles sadly.

Once again, they haven’t cuddled in forever, and Peter forgot how good it felt.

“I missed my clingy spider-son,” Tony sighs in relief.

“Like you’re not clingy yourself.”

“Remind me again who’s the one being literally stuck right now?”

“Hmmmph,” Peter grumpily replies. Tony’s laugh feels contagious.

The former hesitantly touches the latter’s metal arm, then his brown eyes find Tony’s hairless right side, burnt skin now dark red, somewhat dead. Peter wonders if it hurts.

Tony, as usual, notices.

“Hey, you’re the one who needs attention here, bud,” he reminds him softly.

Peter looks away. “It’s different.”

“And it’s still valid.”

“Y-Yeah, but…”

Peter shakes his head.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine, kid.”

“No, it’s not, I keep–”

“You keep being your best self, that’s what. And I’m very proud of you, Peter.”

The teen has lost count of how many times he’s wanted to cry today. He has cried since coming back, but never like this – maybe because Peter wasn’t even allowed to cry, or he didn’t feel like he was allowed to.

Peter clutches the older man’s hoodie, afraid of what just came to mind.

“What?” Tony questions.

The boy shrinks.

“W-When… When you…” Peter swallows. “When you snapped your fingers… d-did you want to die?”

Tony doesn’t tense at the question. If anything, he… relaxes?

“No. I didn’t want to lose Morgan, or Pepper… I didn’t want to lose you again. When I saw you crying for me… damn, kid. I felt like throwing Thanos far away to the other side of the galaxy, just to tell you I wasn’t going anywhere,” he replies, not sounding snarky in the slightest. “But there were many moments where I should’ve died. Moments where I thought… dying was the only option.”

Peter contemplates.

“What made you… not die, then?” He wonders.

Tony hums. “I never actually wanted to die.”

Something in the boy aches while hearing that.

“I was taught to believe my life was worth nothing. Even when I became Iron Man… they all told me I had to die to make peace,” Tony continues. “I still thought that when I was in the hospital. But every time I saw Morgan and Pepper, and Rhodey and Happy… every time I remembered Nebula was there for me in my darkest moment, and every time I remembered you were finally here and we could be together again… it gave me more strength than anything. It made me realize… that was the whole point. That’s the point of living. You get to live with people you love. You live to become someone you love, too.”

Peter remembers when Tony took away his suit, the way he was more disappointed than angry.

“That’s not a road that ends, nor is it an easy one. Mine began late in my life, but it’s worth every single mile.” Tony cups Peter’s face so they look at one another. “I’m sorry yours have been this bad, kiddo. I promise I’ll do what I can to help make it easier for you. I hope you get the breaks and support you need. Please, remember that you can count on us, for anything, even when it doesn’t feel like it.”

The moment Peter sniffs, Tony is cradling him like in those nights the boy had nightmares and needed to be comforted. Peter can only cling back with everything he has.

“I’m sorry,” he says either way.

“It’s okay, buddy,” Tony never gets angry. “One day, you’ll see that you don’t need to apologize for being you. One day, the emptiness will be easier, and calmer.”

At this point, Peter knows better than to get his hopes up.

But then…

Tony kisses his forehead and adds, “We’ll be here to help you see that day.”

And just those mere words seem to take away the tensions and calm the hungry, angry black hole in him.

Peter knows it’s just going to bite him back and make him question everything. But right now? He wants to believe Tony. Because it’s Tony Stark, because he’s a genius and a hero, and…

“... I love you, Tony,” Peter mumbles, muffled by the Mandalorian hoodie.

Somehow, the hero manages to hold him even closer.

“Love you too, kiddo.”

And just like before, Tony’s cuddles are the only way to make Peter sleep.

[bookishardor]

A Last Journey to Lorien~

Or, A Dream Comes True Again.

In October 2019 I wrote a short blog entry about a course of events that I could owe to a book I pulled from a box in eleven years earlier.

The Ape Who Guards the Balance by Elizabeth Peters set the trajectory of my life on that otherwise unremarkable day, and the knowledge that I simply skipped home none the wiser of how deeply it and its author would affect my life still gives me goosebumps.

I have looked back at that moment countless, and at all the moments that stemmed from it, with elated and sometimes stupefied astonishment. Moments that include choosing to attend Hood College because I read MPM lived in Frederick and had an honorary degree from that institution, pursuing my budding interest in archaeology/art history and Egyptology, and even traveling to Egypt.

After graduating college, I discovered and helped cultivate the most amazing community of fans on Twitter, and through that channel TeamRamses and Beth Mertz, MPM’s daughter. The two of them have been such joys to get to know and talk to on social media, the main forum for the MPM fans I know. It’s not often I run across people who know the books in real life, so being able to talk to fans from around the world online is important to me.

Funnily enough, it is rarer for me to find casual fans of MPM’s work than it is for me to find people who actually knew her.

In 2017 with the launch of The Painted Queen, I met the owner of Wonder Book, Chuck, who had been dear friends with MPM, as well as Ray and Jay, Egyptologists who not only knew MPM, but also purchased and moved into her Frederick home a few years after her death.

Eventually I would come to work at Wonder Book, and in that fateful October of 2019, I was invited to see the house and gardens, MPM’s Lorien.

One might suppose with that jewel in my proverbial crown, that this would be the end of a superbly lovely and incredible tale.

Oh, Dear Reader, it was not the end.

At the end of April of this year, I had the privilege to attend Malice Domestic—an annual conference of mystery writers and readers. TeamRamses and myself were kindly invited by Beth to be a part of the fun in honoring her mother, and while I was only able to be there for that Saturday’s events, I had the most wonderful time.  

I brought along my mother and one of my best friends—my roommate from college actually, so you could say I kind of owe MPM even more for the push that had me attending Hood—and we had a blast listening to the panels and walking the book room. You all likely know how hard it was for me to not snatch up a million books to buy in that room…

And then it was time for the panel. And here is where I met TeamRamses for the first time in person. There is something so special about meeting someone who loves a book series and author just as much as you do, even if online, and then to finally be able to hug and talk face to face. And TeamRamses is so easy to talk to, and so insightful about books and fandom. Chatting with her on the balcony outside later in the evening while we waited for the banquet was delightful. We talked books and television, and brought up all of our favorite topic: Who is your dream Amelia Peabody cast? Maybe we can run a panel on that someday. Or better yet, a panel about a show itself! Wishful thinking, I know.

The authors gathered on the panel for MPM discussed her amazing characters and her lasting influence over their own works. As soon as Gigi Pandian opened the discussion on Amelia, with an introduction along the lines of, “Peters’ most famous and beloved heroine” I felt a suspicious tingling in my eyes. As Amelia might say, just a bit of dust, nothing more!

But truthfully, I felt briefly overwhelmed. It’s been nearly 10 years since MPM’s passing, but being in a roomful of people celebrating her and thinking of Amelia and seeing her so vividly in my mind as I have for 15 years, sort squeezed the breath from me for a second. All of this culminated when we all realized that Barbara Rosenblatt, the voice of Amelia, was in the crowd and graciously answered a fan’s question, and illuminated us all on MPM’s more mischievous side.

When it was time for the banquet later that evening, I was seated at the same table as Gigi Pandian and some of MPM’s old friends; her veterinarian and her husband and son. It definitely still hits me in hindsight, how incredibly lucky I was to have gotten that seat. To be able to talk to an author so influenced by MPM. To hear first-hand accounts from the friends that knew her so well, including a riveting tale involving a treed raccoon and some rather presumptuous hunters. I have added each little detail I’ve picked up from her friends to my ever-increasing regard for the woman. In hearing these stories, I know I am beyond fortunate.

At the next table, Beth and TeamRamses sat with Beth’s family and Chuck. Barbara Rosenblatt was also in their set, and when I turned suddenly to find Chuck standing with her at my side…Reader, you should have seen how wide my eyes got. I could feel them become starry saucers. I shook her hand and thanked her—in my mind for all of the beautiful narration she has done for the Amelia books and beyond—though in reality it probably looked like I was just thanking her for standing next to me. Let’s be honest, I kind of was. Chalk one up for me being completely calm and smooth, certainly. If you ever read this, Barbara, I promise I’m more eloquent when I’m not star-struck!

Unfortunately, I was unable to stay for the entire award ceremony that night, but I took with me so much from that dinner and the people I shared it with. To them I also wish to say, “Thank you.”

The drive home gave me time to reflect. What a wonderful day. What a wonderful gathering of people. What a wonderful woman MPM had been. I turned to my friend, not for the first time that day mind you, and asked, “So when are you gonna read Amelia?”

On the following Sunday I was invited, along with my mother and TeamRamses, to visit Lorien again once more before Ray and Jay move.

Now, as I said before, I’d been to Lorien once, in the fall of 2019. But coming around that corner and seeing the house on that little rise again…

At this rate, I feel most everyone has seen photos of the house and gardens. I don’t know if I could paint that same scene with words that can’t be gleaned from those images. If you have not seen the photos, you can likely Google the real-estate listing, or find it on the Facebook fan page: Another Shirt Ruined. I recommend it; they’re a feast for the eyes.

Nothing I say could do it justice, but there are a few things that can’t be extricated from photos, and I’ll do my best to explain here.

Once the visual beauty and appeal of the home has settled around you the next thing you notice is the scent. In fact, you may notice it as soon as you enter the solarium, but the architecture and bright glass walls of the room dazzle, where the smell calms. It permeates the air until you can’t help but pay attention, until it ensconces itself in your memory. Weeks later and I can still recall it; I think I always will be able to.

I’m not exactly sure what it was entirely. Lavender, undoubtedly, as Jay had it hanging in the kitchen, but also the earthy smells of the garden and trees outside. And perhaps, the stone itself imparted a lingering trace of aroma. The overall effect was dreamy and sweet and I could only imagine many a quiet, rainy day in that room, sipping coffee and dozing while the rain ran down the windows and accentuated the smell of the air.  

The next thing you notice is the love.

It’s in the very bones of that house. It’s in MPM’s desk and chair that were still in situ. It’s in the bookshelves and artwork and posters that were still hanging in the rooms and up the stair case. It’s in the custom Egyptian murals of the bathroom and the tiles on the kitchen floor and backsplash. And of course, it’s in the gardens; where beloved pets were buried and where so much time and care was given to creating a paradise. It’s in the stories I heard about gatherings and exploits her friends and family recalled.

And that’s where the love was most. In the people that gathered at the open house that day.

As we all walked the rooms of the home, listening to Beth and asking questions, I know we all fell into pockets of personal reverie. Where we could just imagine the life of the woman who’d lived there, who’d filled each room with her blazing personality. It felt like that I had actually met her before, in a sense. And it felt like I could turn a corner and find her there, petting a cat or tending a plant, or writing away at her desk.

After a tour of the house, TeamRamses, my mother, and I took a turn through the garden, ruminating on all the reasons why it would be so easy to never leave the property. It’s simply idyllic, even in the misty weather of that day.

And love was to be found lastly in the performance given by Barbara Rosenblatt.

As a delightful treat for all of us, before she had to drive back up to NYC, Barbara read an except from The Curse of the Pharaohs, the second book in the Amelia Peabody series. Fans will know the scene well—where Amelia and Emerson return to Evelyn’s to collect their progeny…little baby Walter Peabody Emerson.

Ramses, to those of us who know him best.

It was surreal to stand there in MPM’s home and listen to Barbara read. I’m still in a daze thinking about it. A little teary, too. I never gave audio books the time of day until I thought to try the Amelia recordings as a reread method. And to hear her voice come alive in the home where so many of the stories were written? To hear Emerson bellow and Evelyn laugh, to hear baby Ramses proclaim in somber, serious tones, “it is a femuw. A femuw of a winocowus…”

I have said before that somewhere in my mind and heart, I am always in the desert of Amarna with Amelia and Emerson. The first book in the series is my favorite for so many reasons, least of which is the nostalgia and peace it brings me. My original copy is well loved, and I know pieces of it by heart. Part of me is sitting with them at the fire, looking at the stars and listening to the jackals, chiding Walter and Evelyn’s young love, and scoffing at Lucas. Part of me is always snickering at the feelings brewing between Amelia and Emerson, even as he sets his own pocket on fire and she bosses him around.

In the same vein, I know part of me will always be standing in that solarium with MPM’s nearest and dearest, listening to Barbara read. The smell of lavender, rain, and stone in the air, the sound of all our laughter, and the sense of MPM just out of eyeshot, chuckling with us all.

I write my own story, from time to time. I’m not very disciplined with it, at least, not as much as I used to be. I have varying feelings about it, and I don’t imagine it will ever be much more than a tale of my own whimsy. But I do feel like every time I add even a little bit to it, that I’m adding to a love letter to MPM. And I do think I could add endlessly to a love letter to MPM. Writing my story, reading her books, talking to fans and friends on Twitter—it’s my way of saying thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over to an author I owe so much to.

So does the story end with the last visit to Lorien, the last glimpse into the sanctuary of a woman I can only wish to have met? Maybe. But so many things have happened these last 15 years that can find threads trailing back to my decision to read that book.

I can’t wait to see where she leads me next.