#it’s been such a rough year and a half
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Fingers are super crossed that my doctors appointment goes well this week 🤞🏻
Really hoping for an Ozempic/Wegovy prescription (whichever my insurance will approve) and to upgrade to a Freestyle Libre 3 prescription 🤞🏻
I’m truly just so defeated with my health & my body at this point.
#it’s been such a rough year and a half#my body is literally a mess#and if you know me you know I exercise almost daily#and I eat pretty dang well#I just can’t get this under control#I just want to be healthy again#yes I’m low ish carb#yes I focus on protein#yes I walk just about daily#yes I calorie count#I’ve lost a lot of weight before and it was NEVER like this#me#girls with red hair#girls#chest tattoo
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I'm really in a tight spot and in need of extra funds atm so I'm opening a couple of pokefusion adopts in my ko-fi shop!
Price list & links to each adopt can be found at the read more below. Thank you sm for your support!! 🙏🙏🙏
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Pokefusion adoptables price list:
Smeargle x Alcremie - $60
Mew x Frosmoth - $60
Lapras x Vaporeon - $45 - SOLD
Hattrem x Banette - $45
Nickit x Galarian Ponyta - $45 - SOLD
#artists on tumblr#pokemon#pokemon adopts#gotchibam arts#augh sorry guys..... I keep asking for help like this ;_;#tbh half of this year has already been so rough to me#i'll try my best to finish the comms & doodles no matter what tho!! might have to make some adopts from time to time to get some funds too#tysm for sticking w/ me even tho i've been barely updating ;_;#also been thinking of joining toyhouse.... if anyone has invite codes to spare i'd really appreciate it ;_; tysm!!
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Redraw of my first post on this blog. Oh how far we've come B'*)
[Now with it's own redraw!]
#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#Credit where it's due: the first one is from November 2022. So its been a bit longer than the post date implies.#It was always part of the plan to re-draw my first wangxian art at the end of each season#but wow I really didn't give enough credit to the power of drawing every day for the last half a year#I've really loved doing this B*) I have found so much confidence in accepting the fact I'm not a 'non-artist' drawing mdzs comics#I'm a REAL artist drawing mdzs#and this is just the start!!!! I will keep drawing and improving and learning! and I will have a big smile like this every time -> B*)#I'm stunned that so many people found this blog so early on. Despite the roughness of my art...yall saw what I struggled to see#which was someone who was worth it#That and how art really is what you decide it is. I thought It had to be perfect. It doesn't need to be perfect. I see that now#I love you all so much! I am so much happier than I have been in years!#Sorry for being sappy twice in a row I promise tomorrow I'll be your little jester again
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“put me on a pedestal and i’ll only disappoint you
tell me i’m exceptional, and i promise to exploit you
gimme all your money, and i’ll make some origami honey!
i think you’re a joke!!! …but i don’t find you very
fuuuuuuu~nyyy”
More tagr art!!! Assorted stuff this time! Featuring some cute chibi stuff. Some solo gaz’s, a lil uhhh. Comic of an altercation.. and a very belated Halloween pic I started drawing last Halloween and didnt finish lol. Also featuring lyrics from pedestrian at best cuz that song rllly rlly fits my ver of tak lol.
#invader zim#gaz membrane#invader tak#tagr#iz tak#iz gaz#tak#doodles#there toxic yuri!!! they’re all over the place!!! tak is tsundere insane alien who fueled by revenge it’s gonna be rough!#I think. there relationship would slowly grow and develop as gaz is helping tak w all her injuries#but I think they’d end up having a true true falling out sometime after take fully healed and gets her ship back.#and they’d be split up for a few years maybe? idk how long I’d want it to be. but! yeah.#absence makes the heart grow fonder and makes u realize how fucking stupid u are#and eventually they’d reunite and shit would be better lol#I don’t want them to be at each others throats forever that’d suck lol#theyre just definitely are moments where there at each others throats in the beginning#but they r also moments.. where they both feel true belonging and acceptance. like they never have before… and it blows there lil minds…#I also dO want gaz to go into space at some point w tak cuz that’d be fucking awesome#after they reunite again they can go explore the universe a bit#these r all very half baked ideas btw and also my brains mush cuz ive been drawing all day#so please excuse if said ideas suck. also please excuse all the typos lol#I might change my mind on the them separating idk… or maybe make it a shorter amount of time… idk!! I havent thought thru all this shit lol#it’s not like I’m gonna write a story or actually make a comic I’m just drawing random fanart#I don’t need to have all these thoughts all solidified lol
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yeehaw just wrote over 3k and i can't publish Any of it without miles of fantasy au context
#technically its a full scene and a half#brain: hey what if a solid thousand words was just silly puppets having breakfast#and then i said 'damn youre so right' and yeah. silly puppets having breakfast and arguing over ale vs mead#i love writing from barnaby's pov. im so unfunny that its ruining his reputation#i go There Could Be A Joke Here#but head Empty so there isn't one. i continue on. rinse and repeat#anyway big scene of barnaby and wally bonding#as i was writing i was honestly like 'the wallaby enjoyers would have a field day with this'#am i one of them? no. however i know my 'qp barnaby and wally' belief bleeds into my writing#so yk. its easily read either way.#of course i immediately counteract it by sprinkling in a laughingstock crumb or two but yk yk#fantasy au is so fun to chew on... everyone gets to say Fuck and threaten genuine violence...#absolutely unprompted#speaking of writing im actually going to Attempt nanowrimo this year#im gonna try to belt out the roughest rough draft of a standalone book idea#i still need to finish the outline but! im sure i can do that in 10 days!#but anyway ive been having so many fantasy au feelings lately idk why#i think i need to rewatch lotr! extended editions of course im not an animal.#well i am. but - yeah whatever yall get it#im craving that sweet sweet high fantasy & worldbuilding & high quality cinema
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aaaa I just wanna hear izzy laugh so bad!! I want someone to crack him up and miraculously get a genuine smile out of him for the first time in like two decades. I want him to overhear some funny bit from the crew’s shared stories that actually makes him huff a little snort, only for him to immediately try to hide it. I want to hear that gravelly, deep rusty chuckle of his goddamnit!!! I want everyone to hear it and immediately whip their heads up in wide eyed shock. (is that… izzy?? laughing???? I didn’t even know he could DO that). (something in ed’s chest creaks a little to hear it again. it’s been so long since he’s heard that sound). I will not rest until my boy gets a tiny shred of happiness and that’s final!!!!
#I want GIGGLING. GIGGLING I SAY!!! STUPID TIPSY DRUNK GIGGLING!!!!! I’M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT#izzy hands#ofmd#genuinely I love con’s lil chuckle so much idc I’ll fight ppl on this hill#it’s all nasally and rough. perfection.#pls god I need to see Izzy do a little soft half-chuckle and that lil head shake with his arms crossed and his head bowed#leaning against the wall talking to Jim or someone idc#just give him. a nice moment. pls. Izzy laughter in my life immediately!! I demand it!#god tho… I read a fic onfe that mentioned izzy laughing like. for the first time in front of lucius#and I forget the exact line but they described it something like ‘rusted and like it had been keelhauled a couple of times’#like it was rough and out of practice from years of disuse#but like there was something so miraculous about it?? so magical?#and BOY has that mental image/thought HAUNTED me since I read it!!#imagine someone just making him laugh once and then trying to make him laugh again and again just so they can hear it…..#FUCKK#he. him. god. fuck. I have emotions.
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We made it through kindergarten. Please clap.
#erin rambles#technically he has a half day tomorrow but that hardly counts#this year has been so rough#but he's grown so much and i'm hopeful for next year#and i'm so excited and happy for summer
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new artwork i’m most proud of
sort of sequel to this painting from 2016
#my art#fantasy art#wolf#creature#artists on tumblr#clouds#lightning#digital art#elemental#i am legit. extremely proud of this.#no idea why it took like 6 months tho i started it in september#if id just sat down and worked on it it wouldve been done in like a week or two tops#but unfortunately i was working on it for like half an hour every week :/#and the reason it took me like 7 years to make a sequel to that other painting is like#it's not like i havent been trying??? so many sketches and rough works that never got finished#also fun artist behind the scenes tip: the initial reason i put clouds in is because#i didnt know how to make the anatomy of the rest of the body look good#so now its all covered in clouds#oh yeah and this painting is transparent technically i just put a background bc it looked terrible on plain white
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do you ever hear the phrase "I was so scared of wasting a day that I nearly wasted my life" and have it haunt you for a month
there are so many times I've felt like I simply lost years, and you'll finally do something and realize you spent six months saying "I should do that soon" without doing anything or "I should get back to that" each day for months on end
#this post is primarily about a mix of gender and writing stuff#but there's also a lot recently where I've felt like I came to thinking when did it become too late to do anything#I spent the last 8 months unsure what was happening with hrt treatment and it took 10 minutes to get the next process to start happening#instead of waiting unsure#(to be fair my doctor was just On Leave for 4 of those months but still)#and likewise it has been six months since I properly worked on my novel and it kills me inside not doing so#but it's also about like#idk missing people that just kind of drift away and u never really noticed when it just kind of happened and suddenly its been forever#it is a Rough Melancholy Evening#and while this is also celebrating the fact I did get the hrt ball rolling again#and trying to really pump myself up to return to The Shape of a Lie to finish a shareable draft with my friends#I think I spent a lot of July just kind of mourning many months of these things being on standby because I was afraid of wasting a day#and wasted half a year again#anyway love u guys I had a little bit to drink at a work party tonight and it made me sad and reflective lmao <3
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Some months had so many good pieces that I just Had to make their own collections :3
#art summary 2023#my art#im real proud of these#so proud that I wanted everybody ta see em ♡#btd & autism creatures are my favorite drawings go-tos#these past couple years have been so incredibly rough but latter half of 2023 it all came together & im happy#now insteada survivin ive been indulgin & im excited to draw & try so much more in 2024 >:3
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these were some fun ones
#i don't think i could handle this playlist though omg akskskak#it's been a rough year and rn is so so much better but the first half was hell (〒﹏〒)#I'll listen to a few of the sad ones bc they slap but then listen to my fun songs as a treat#wish me luck we r diving into our feelings !!🤿#edit: im handling it fine (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟi guess I've healed more than i thought ♡ feels nice to take back good songs frm painful memories
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nursing world is Insane bc its like YES there is a critical staffing shortage worldwide and we cant staff a single unit for just one shift HOWEVER if you call off 6 times in a rolling year you WILL be terminated
#brought to you by being asked how many times ive called off in the last yr dueing my interview. bitch i dont fucking know#i dont think every hospital system is like this but i wouldve been fired frm mine if we didnt have a half year gap in admin#new admin: ong i am SO excited to be working w and advocating for you!! *immediately emails everyone writeups*#kels talks#management is always like HEHE WE KNOW THINGS ARE ROUGH BUT HERES SOME PIZZA FOR DAY SHIFT. FUCK NIGHTS THO HEHEHE#jk theyve never purchased pizza even for days
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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think i'm gonna gradually upload all the pics and vids of my cats so they can attain immortality. that's how it works, right?
#shy speaks#it's been a rough week of missing my old baby#i have some old pics and vids on snapchat and seeing the app makes me incredibly sad#it's been a year and a half and i miss her every day#and my new goofballs are god's silliest creatures so obvs the rest of the world has to experience them too
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The fucking disconnect is so real.
#theo's thoughts#Story time for the people who love reading tags bc I love sharing things in the tags#So I work at a therapeutic day school and this past school year like four school days before Thanksgiving break I was asked a question#The question was if I would be willing to step up and be a long term sub in a middle school classroom#To me this was less of a question and more of a hey we need someone to do this and you're who the assistant teacher asked for#Which cool yeah fine I'll give it a go I really like that person (the assistant teacher who asked for me) and I trust her judgement on this#I was asked and accepted on Thursday. Friday‚ Monday‚ and Tuesday happen. Then three day Thanksgiving break#When we got back from break I was the teacher and it was rough at first and it sure as hell was never easy but I enjoyed it#My formal teacher observation was my boss basically going like so I see you doing all the things and the basis is there#But it's not being followed through on because of behaviors from the most unmedicated classroom I've seen in all my years working education#And now for the summer they're changing 2/3 staff that were in the room and who even knows who the teacher will be (a new hire? Maybe?)#If there truly is a new hire coming in (fed to the wolves immediately btw what a dick move) but that new hire will be the fourth teacher#These kids have had in a year? A year and a half max. The fourth. After the only thing I've been repeatedly told by admin for months#Is that we need to be stable and consistent because we may be these kids' only reliable source of that consistency and stability?#So you're going to have me come in and tell me I've done such a great job and then tell me you're moving me to 'give me a break'#Trauma informed care my fucking ass. I hope those kids raise fucking hell over it.#The brutal satisfaction of watching your own crops burn and knowing that the invaders will starve is great and all but these are kids!#They're barely just about to be teenagers (11 at the youngest and 14 at the oldest) and this is what you're going to do to them?#Yes they can be complete assholes and are often dicks to one another but they're in our school for a fucking reason? I don't get it.#Then two hours later after being told abt the change‚ the clinical director puts me as one of the three main recipients in an email#Saying that there's going to be a new student starting in that room in the summer and the real icing on the cake?#This all happens on last day before summer break. we're out of session for two weeks now and you're just dropping these changes on us now?#God I'm so fucking tired
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not to be a colossal fucking cowabummer about everything but it really does suck that like. my really chill and like. supposedly more realistic type of career goal feels about as unattainable as like a kid saying he wants to be a singer or something
#kazoo noises#like yeah this was supposed to be a job i COULD get. i thought bc like. i was going into the field bc i loved the work and not bc i couldnt#make it into academia (fuck u alt-ac term users yall are snobs) id like maybe be able to cobble it together bc like. im good at doing work.#i can usually make something happen and i got a good attitude. but jesus ive got one year left and every job app comes back negative if the#even bother to respond#like idk man. i knew iwasnt gonna be making money or shit and i knew it was gonna be rough but like. everyone else i meet already has a gig#or at least like gig adjacent. volunteer or field experience or internship and like. i cant get anything to stick. its not like ive done#nothing either? ive worked extensively with small scale exhibition design. i have worked extensively with special collections libraries.#i have literal years worth of research experience from college. i have an entirely customer service based resume thats not academic so i#can handle a patron (and crucially different from my peers: I WANT TO)#i can organize. i can write and design labels. i can communicate. i can handle special collections objects. i can make ANY microfilm reader#work for me even when it doesnt want to#and im not saying my classmates arent qualified. but like. surely this has to amount to something. i have been so stupidly lucky#to have even half the experiences i do. i have variety in my degree that even some of my classmates would kill for i think. i did. so much.#i have had so many advantages and i like to think i use them well and that i am grateful for them. but why cant i make that shit connect???#my resume is good. im reliable. i want to work more than anything. so why cant i get a call back???#legitimately how much longer do i get to keep telling myself i a not the common denominator here#sorry for diary posting but im prepping to walk to the house tour and planning what job apps i can fill out when i get back and literally.#just like. why do i bother. i should have just held my nose and done the online only program in state. i'd probably spend less time rotting#god being 23 fucking sucks. it is going to be better. im literally just barely an adult. this cant be it and it wont be it. but jesus. i go#over having to beg for a rejection letter about ten months ago when i still felt like i had a shot at these experiences
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