#it’s crazy cause I’ve literally seen one picture of her fiancé. to me? that is literally Just Some Guy

[explanationpoint]

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[fruitcoops]

Could you maybe write a “73 questions with Sirius Black” Vogue one? Or something like that.

Yes! I had never seen these videos before and it was a fun challenge to write. Hope you enjoy! Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove!

The house is large, two stories tall and painted a soft gray with white trim around the windows. Holiday lights have yet to be taken down and shine in all colors of the rainbow from the eaves as the camera crew walks up the front steps. The curtains in the window tremble for a moment, then a dog pokes her head through—she is all-black and curious, and looks quite large.

Dorcas Meadowes knocks on the front door; a moment later, it swings open and reveals Sirius Black. “Hey, guys, come on in! You can leave your shoes by the door inside.”

“Thanks, Sirius.” Dorcas kicks off her flats and follows him inside as he sets a dish towel on the end table and leans against it. “How are you today?”

“I’m doing pretty well. Morning practice was productive and I’m feeling good about our upcoming game.”

“We’re here today to ask you 73 rapid-fire questions while you lead us around. Sound good?”

“Sounds good. You can all come inside instead of freezing on the porch,” he laughs, waving them closer. The door shuts with a gentle click.

“First question: on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?”

“Hmmm. A solid seven.”

“Do you have any pets?”

“I do!” Sirius leads them into the other room, where the dog is curled up on the couch below the window; he picks her up and gives her a kiss on the head. “This is Hattie and I love her very much.”

“Cute! If you could do a dramatic love scene in a movie with anyone, who would it be?”

Sirius sets the dog down and thinks for a second. “Aside from my fiancé, I’m going to say James Potter. We would kill it and I don’t think it would be that awkward.”

“What’s the origin of your name?”

“Pretty much my whole family has star-themed names. Sirius is the dog star from Canis Major.”

“Brightest star in the sky, too. What’s one thing people don’t know about you?”

“I’m an introvert. Lots of people assume that I’m super social because of my job, but I’m very quiet in real life.” He walks back out to the entrance and takes the towel off the table, then moves into the kitchen. It’s well-lit and painted a deep, warm red. The countertop is scattered with knickknacks and picture frames—clearly, this is a place people spend a lot of time. Hattie, who followed them in, lays down by the oven with a heavy sigh.

“What’s your wakeup ritual?”

Sirius reaches up and pulls two mugs out of the cupboard. “I wake up around seven am and make coffee while Re is in the shower, then rinse off and get dressed while he makes breakfast. It’s a good system. Want some tea?”

“Sure. What’s your bedtime ritual?”

“I don’t think I have one,” he says as he puts the kettle on and ignites a burner on the stove. “Usually we read or watch a movie, then go up to bed and talk for a while. There’s not a big routine or anything.”

“Sounds nice. What’s your favorite time of day?” Dorcas sits on the other side of the kitchen island while he takes a box of peppermint tea down.

“That’s a tough one. I like the in-between spots, like just after sunrise or dusk. Three in the afternoon is usually pretty chill as well. Does anyone else want a cup?”

There are a few murmurs behind the camera and he takes two more down. “What is one thing no one knows about you?” Dorcas asks.

He raises an eyebrow. “If I told you, everyone would know, and it wouldn’t count.”

“Fair enough. Dream country to visit?”

“Anywhere. I think I want to go to Ireland first, though.” Small wisps of steam begin curling out of the kettle, but it doesn’t whistle.

“Do you ever feel pressure to post things on social media?”

Sirius makes a face. “I used to. Eventually I just got tired of it, you know? The whole point of social media is sharing bits of your life with people and it makes me happy to show off my dog, or Re, or my friends. I post things just for fun now.”

The kettle begins to hiss and he reaches back to turn it off. “Sneakers or skates?”

“Skates.”

“Vintage or new?

“Vintage, especially for t-shirts and sweaters.”

“Who is your biggest role model?”

“Pascal Dumais.” Sirius stops pouring for a moment to look up at the camera. “If you ever get a chance to meet him, listen to what he has to say. You’ll be better for it.”

“Wise words. How do you deal with negativity? Oh, thank you.” Dorcas wraps her hands around the mug and takes a small sip while Sirius passes the other ones to the crew.

“Honestly? I don’t give a shit. It used to really bother me, but I’m happy, I have a job I love, and my family cares about me. Why should I care what people I’ve never met think of me?” He sits on the counter and rests his elbows on his knees, blowing on the hot water.

“What are three things you can’t live without?”

“My dog, Remus, and my family.” There is no hesitation in his voice.

“Not hockey?”

“I’d be devastated if I couldn’t play, sure, but it’s not the central focus of my life anymore.”

“What’s one ingredient you put in everything?”

“Does salt count?” He winces as he takes a drink. “Ugh, burned my tongue. I put salt on a lot of things because I drink so much water that it throws my balance off.”

“What is something you’re completely bored of right now?”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Gossip columns and tabloids in general.”

Dorcas hums in agreement. “What’s your biggest fear in life?”

“Losing my loved ones.”

“Window or aisle seat?”

“Window. Anyone walking by always steps on my foot or hits my elbow if I’m in the aisle. Plus, I get a good view and an easy nap spot.”

“What’s your current TV obsession?”

“Avatar: The Last Airbender, which I’m watching for the third time already.” He shakes his head. “It’s just so good.”

“Favorite app?”

He takes a second to think. “Spotify.”

“Secret talent?”

Sirius looks at her over the rim over his cup. “This is going to shock you. Ready?”

“Ready.”

“Hockey.”

“You’re the worst.” Despite her words, Dorcas smiles. “What the most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?”

“Uh, probably going to Europe with some of the guys last year. We had a lot of fun, but it was crazy.”

“I can imagine it was. How would you define yourself in three words?”

“Tall, dark, and handsome.”

“And apparently not humble,” Dorcas teases. “Favorite piece of clothing?”

“Hoodies.”

“Clothing item everyone should have?”

“Hoodies.”

A door opens behind them and the camera turns; Remus walks out of the basement, covered in sweat as he wipes his forehead with the hem of his shirt and holds his skates in his other hand. “Baby, have you seen…” he trails off when he sees the group of people in the kitchen. Hattie’s tail thumps on the floor. “Um. Hello.”

“Hey, Remus, how are you doing?” Dorcas asks mildly.

The camera pans out to catch both Sirius, who is laughing quietly, and Remus, who flushes pink. “I’m good. I thought you were coming at ten?”

“It’s ten-thirty, sweetheart,” Sirius says, hiding his smile in his tea.

Remus glances at the clock before giving an awkward nod and walking toward the stairs. “I guess I’ll take a shower, then. Sorry about that. Uh, carry on.”

“What’s a superpower you would want?” Dorcas asks as soon as he disappears.

Sirius shakes his head with a grin. “Uh, teleportation. That would be really cool.”

“What’s inspiring you in life right now?”

“Ah, une grande question.” He thinks, then tilts his head toward the staircase. “Moments like that. And the Stanley Cup, of course.” He reaches back and knocks on the wooden cupboard.

“What cause is closest to your heart?”

“LGBT+ rights, especially trans rights. I’m privileged enough to have a platform and I intend to be loud as hell about that.”

“Good.” Dorcas sets her almost-empty mug on the table. “What’s one thing you’d say to your teenage self?”

Sirius lets out a long breath and drums his hands on the light blue ceramic of his cup. “I would say…it gets better. It really, really does. You’re going to feel super shitty for just a little bit longer, but then I promise you will be so incredibly happy that you wake up every morning and it hits you all over again.”

Dorcas nods, and the kitchen is quiet for a moment. “What’s a book that everyone should read?”

“The Hobbit, by J.R.R Tolkien.”

“What would you like to be remembered for?”

“This is going to sound so corny, but I want to be remembered for just being a good person.”

“That’s not corny. How do you define beauty?”

“Remus Lupin.”

“That’s corny,” she laughs, making him smile. “What do you love most about your body?”

“I’m a big guy, which can be a little bit intimidating, but it means I give really great hugs. I’m sure everyone saw the video that went around a while ago.”

“Cap Cuddles?”

He snorts. “Right. You’ve got Finn O’Hara to thank for that.”

“In your opinion, what’s the best way to take a rest or decompress?”

“Being alone,” Sirius says. “There is literally nothing better than getting home and sitting down with a book or something while I can hear Re doing his own thing and Hattie’s napping. It’s one of my favorite parts of the afternoon.”

“That’s the most introverted thing you’ve ever said.” Dorcas grins and finishes her tea just as a faint beeping noise begins in another room. “What’s your favorite way to experience art?”

“Through music, for sure.” He slides off the counter and walks down the hall, leading them toward the laundry room. He gives the camera crew a look as he pulls dry clothes out of the machine and heads back to the living room. “What? Did you think I didn’t do my own laundry?”

“You lost a sock,” Dorcas informs him, picking it off the ground and laying it on top of his head.

“Thanks, D.”

“What question do people ask that you wish they wouldn’t?”

“Lots of people have asked me when I decided to be gay, which is wrong on so many levels.”

“If you could master one instrument, what would it be?”

“Guitar or piano.” He dumps the load of laundry on the couch and opens the back door, holding it for the crew as they walk out into the sunshine. Hattie weaves through their legs and disappears into the bushes along the back.

“I might have to take your dog home with me. If you had a tattoo, where would it be?”

Sirius mock-glares at her. “Let me have my girl! Um, I would love to have a tattoo somewhere on my arm.”

“This might be a hard one. Dolphins or koalas?”

“Oh, that is hard. Probably dolphins. The ocean is terrifying but those little guys are just having a blast.”

“What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?” Dorcas asks as he picks up a tennis ball and throws it across the yard. Hattie emerges from the bushes and races after it in a blur of black fur.

“An engagement ring.”

“Yeah, it was.” Remus walks into the backyard and kisses Sirius’ cheek before bending down to catch Hattie in his arms. His hair is still damp from the shower. “Hello, sweet girl!”

“Who’s your favorite musician?”

“Queen.” Sirius laughs at her surprised look. “I’m gay, what did you expect?”

“True. What’s your favorite board game?”

“Monopoly.” Remus and Hattie disappear from the frame, but the bouncing sound of the tennis ball creates some background noise and Sirius watches them for a moment with pure affection.

“Favorite color?”

“Blue.”

“Least favorite color?”

“Orange.”

“Bowties or knot ties?”

He frowns. “Don’t they all have knots?”

“Smartass.”

“Yep! Uh, regular ties.”

“Bowties are superior!” Remus calls.

“Get your own questions!” Sirius laughs.

“Going off your music answers: records or CDs?”

“I don’t own a lot of records, so I’m going to have to go with CDs. I love the way vinyl sounds, though.” His eyes widen as he looks to the side. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Remus wheezes. “I didn’t need those ribs anyway.”

“For the viewers, the dog just football-tackled him into the grass,” Sirius says, and Dorcas snorts.

“Your hair is famously luscious. Blow-dry or air-dry?”

“Air dry.”

“Coffee or tea?”

“Coffee, but tea is nice in the evenings.”

“What’s the weirdest word in the English language?”

Sirius laughs. “There are so many. Uh, ‘jeez’ is the one that comes to mind first.”

“What about the French language?”

“Oiseaux,” he says in a crisp accent. “It means ‘birds’, and you pronounce about three of the actual letters.”

“Good to know. Do you prefer dark chocolate or milk chocolate?”

“Dark chocolate.”

“Stairs or elevators?”

“Elevators. I don’t want to walk up three floors after playing hockey for two and a half hours.”

“Summer or winter?”

Sirius bites his lip in thought as they walk around the yard, where small flowers line the fence in beds and colorful pots. “I love summer because I have actual free time to be with my friends, but winter is hockey season. I don’t know, next question.”

“What’s a dessert you don’t like?”

“I’m not a huge fan of caramel. It’s too sticky.”

“A skill you’re working on mastering?”

“Will you ban me from more interviews if I say hockey?”

“Yes.”

“In that case, I’m working on keeping plants alive, as you can probably see.” He taps the nearest flowerpot gently with his foot; it has ‘Harry’ painted across it in sloppy blue letters. “My godson made that for my birthday.”

“What’s the best thing to happen to you today?”

“This, for sure,” he says with a smile. “I haven’t seen you and Marley in ages.”

“We missed you, too. What’s the worst thing that happened to you today?”

He pouts slightly. “Burning my tongue on tea.”

“Hugs or kisses?”

“Hugs! Though I’ll accept kisses from a few very specific people.”

“Do you have a favorite smell?”

He pauses and cranes his neck to look behind the cameras. “Re?”

“Yeah?”

“What shampoo do you use?”

“Uhhh…” There’s a moment of quiet. “It’s something with lavender, I think.”

Sirius turns back to Dorcas. “Something with lavender.”

“How specific,” she laughs. “What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?”

He smiles to himself. “There was a young woman, maybe sixteen or seventeen, that came to one of the games earlier this season. I saw her standing with a puck and went over, and while I was signing it she looks at me and says, ‘you are exactly what I wish my older brother was like’. Turns out, she was bisexual and her brother wasn’t super accepting of her. That was…” He shakes his head. “That meant the world to me. I’ll never forget it.”

“You’ve definitely made a big impact on the community,” Dorcas agrees. “What’s the last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?”

“I watched ‘Soul’ the other night and almost had to pause it at one point to pull myself together.”

“Do you prefer animated movies or live-action?”

“Animated, mostly because I wasn’t allowed to watch Disney movies as a kid, so I’ve been catching up as an adult and they rock.”

“What’s your nerdiest quality?

“I love watching documentaries.”

“Sweet or savory?” The back door creaks a bit as they walk back inside and the camera catches a few frames of Hattie and Remus running around the yard together.

“Sweet.”

“In ten years, you have a daughter. What age do you let her date?”

Sirius gives Dorcas a look. “Whenever she wants to. I’m going to impose curfews and stuff, but I’m the last person on the planet to police her love life.”

“Good answer. What’s a song you can listen to on repeat?”

“Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen. Absolute banger.”

“If you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be?”

“Arthur Weasley,” he says after a moment. “I would love to know what it feels like to get up in the morning and know you’re about to spend another day wrangling our team. It’s a miracle he hasn’t killed us all with his clipboard.”

“How do you know you’re in love?”

“Oh.” Sirius blinks at her in surprise at the sudden topic change. “Well, for me, I think it’s just…being comfortable around someone. Being able to spend time with them without saying anything and knowing you’re safe, no matter what. It’s the best feeling in the world.”

“What are you most excited about at this time in your life?”

A slight smile crinkles his eyes. “Getting married. That’s going to be awesome.”

“Who is your go-to for having a good laugh?”

“James Potter. He’s the best, and I love him.”

“Last question,” Dorcas says, sliding her list into her pocket. “Many LGBT+ people, especially teenagers, have spoken about how you’re an inspiration. Any words for them?”

Sirius hums in thought. “First of all, thank you for being so open and welcoming. I would never have expected the sheer force of people’s love to come through like that when so many people were saying horrible things. Second, to any kids out there who need to hear it: I’m proud of you. It takes a lot to be true to yourself and even if you’re still in the closet, you’re just as valid as the rest of us. Stay proud.”

“That’s a wrap.” Dorcas gives him a quick hug that he happily returns. “Thanks for letting us crash your morning, Cap.”

“Any time. Thanks for tuning in to Lion Pride, everyone!”

[yaachtynoboat711]

Our Next Guest...

A/N: Here’s my contribution to @hoopshoney and @purple-apricots With Love, From Wakanda fic fest! I’m so excited to temporarily break from Fonder’s angsty chains and coming with that present-day Yaa and Wins! I apologize for the tardiness of this fic, as I started my new job this week. I had to dust this off from the depths of my archives due to the time crunch. I was going to do my M’Baku x OC, but my time was limited.

Word Count: 2.4K

Warning(s): Fluff, Black Love

Prompt: “Have I mentioned how much I love you? Only twice in the past hour.”

“Chris, I’m fucking terrified.”,you huffed.

You were in your dressing room getting ready to finally begin your Sheimbloom press junket. The first stop was Jimmy Kimmel Live, one of your favorite talk shows. You’d been delaying the tour for personal reasons. Now, it was here and you were going alone. Winston was in the middle of a project in New York. Plus, it was Valentine’s Day. It sucked knowing that Winston couldn’t make it, however,it was worth knowing that he was being supportive and giving you advice on TV interviews. You’d had many a print interview, but never a TV interview.

“Baby, you’ll do fine. You’re a lawyer: you orate for a living. Plus, you love Jimmy, so this’ll be a breeze.”, Winston reassured via FaceTime.

“Yeah, you’re right...I guess.”

“You’re damn right I’m right. I can’t recall a time I was ever wrong. ”

“Well shit I can.”, you smirked, earning an annoyed huff and eye roll from your fiancé.

“ANYWAYS, are you going to indirectly promote Us?”

“Hasn't it already been promoted enough?”

“Now, what’s that supposed to mean,Yaa Denae?” One of the production assistants walked in at the perfect moment.

“Dr. Abdullah, we’re ready for you.”, the PA said.

“Well, won’t you look at the time! I love you, baby love!”,Yaa said in a hurry.

“I love you, too, Pumpkin. Gimme love.” The two of you did your secret handshake despite the distance and he hung up.

“K.D., you two are just too cute for words.”, your assistant Talia gushed as you handed her your phone.

You walked out of your dressing room along with Talia and your other assistant Jacqui to the backstage area.

When you got backstage, you found a mirror to check yourself out and posed for your OOTD post. Winston picked your outfit: simple black blouse with matching flared pants and a Tuskegee crimson and old gold striped ascot (your choice,of course). He even picked out the leopard pumps. That man had an eye for fashion. Your curly platinum locs were pulled neatly into a ponytail.

“Dr. Abdullah, you’re up in 60 seconds!”, you heard the PA announce. “Thank you!”, you replied. You took this time to recite your affirmation to yourself:

I am enough;I am here for a reason;I am here to slay; I am my ancestors’ wildest dreams!

Finally, you walked into the elevator as you heard the countdown and studio applause before hearing Jimmy’s introduction. “Welcome back! Our next guest is no stranger to shattering glass ceilings. In addition to graduating valedictorian of Yale Law School at the age of 23,yeah, twen-ty three, this past July, she became the youngest and the first Black woman to win the Richard T. Sheimbloom Award for Merit and Excellence in Law--the highest award for any lawyer in the world to receive. Please, help me welcome for the first time, Attorney Khalida Abdullah!”

The audience erupted into cheer, but not before the elevator door slid open to you doing that little Thotiana jig. You waved to the audience and gave them your brightest Miss Tuskegee smile. You strutted your way towards Jimmy and hugged him before sitting down. “Well...”, Jimmy began, “...happy Valentine’s Day and welcome to the show, Attorney Abdullah.” The audience continued their clapping and cheering.

“Thank you so much,Jimmy! Happy V-Day to you! Please call me K.D.. Can I just say that one, this is a dream come true to be on the show and two, I need to carry this audience in my pocket because they really--” they all screamed and you smiled as you glanced towards the audience once more, “--they really helped me overcome my nerves just now and this energy y’all are giving me is every damn thing to me.”

“Well, I’m happy that’s something that helped ease you. So let’s jump right on in: what made you want to become a lawyer?”

“You know, not a lot of people have asked me that question.”

Jimmy’s head bucked back in disbelief, “Really?”

“Yeah, so believe it or not, the OJ trial inspired me to go into law. I was about 5 years old and I see Johnnie Cochran, a Black man, and Marcia Clark, a woman, working the case. I guess I was trying to figure out why weren’t there any Black Women working this case. Even after the case, I didn’t meet a Black female lawyer until I was in college. Sometimes, you gotta be your own role model.” The audience applauded your answer.

“That’s something to really live by. Now fast-forward to this past July: what’s going through your mind before and after hearing your name called for the Sheimbloom?”

“Maaaaan, I was a complete wreck and a tad tipsy from the wine they put on the table. I had my umi and Winston’s hands in vise grips. For clarification, Winston Duke, y’know…”,you looked dead into camera 1, “...THICC DADDY M’Baku? Anyways, everything’s going in slow motion, so my reaction was about 10 seconds slower than what it should’ve been. Now, the Chairman didn’t actually announce my name per se.”

Jimmy and the audience laughed. “So...are you the 2018 Sheimbloom winner or not?”, he joked. “Jimmy, listen! Winston, along with some of his fellow Jabari actors, started barking like they did in the Warrior Falls scene? It wasn’t until Winston let go of my hand and literally took his scarf to bark did I realize I’d won.” The audience cheered as a picture of your raw reaction to winning appeared on the screen behind you. Your red eyes were bugged out, mouth ajar, both hands placed on your chest. That feeling of victory began tingling throughout your body all over again .

“How’s life after winning?”

“To be honest…I don’t really feel that much different. I worked that Monday after the ceremony and up until the middle of August because my partners essentially forced me on leave and sent me to L.A.”

“Why would they do that?” The audience laughed. You did too.

“Honey, I had been working like a madwoman from October up until they put me on leave.”

“Ah-a. So that leads me to the next question: what happened that night?” You smirked.

“Well, after giving my speech, I got whisked upstairs to take pictures with my award.” The screen behind you showed a picture of you holding your award up to your ear like a cell phone with one hand and showing off your rose gold slugs by pulling on your bottom lip with the other. You were squatting down and showing off your red sparkly pump.

“That’s one of the most epic pictures I’ve ever seen. What happened next?” The audience gassed you up with “Ow’s! and whistles..

“Wellllllllllllllll”, your toothy smile should have been the indication that it was about to go down, “I sneak away to the terrace for a breather because God knew I needed it. I’m out there and my Winston texts me asking me where I had gone, right? Long story short, he proposed. Afterwards, socialized for a little bit, and then Wins and I went to our favorite 24-hour diner like nothing even happened that night. So, that’s another reason I was out here in L.A.: he still lives here and we needed time to begin planning the wedding.” The audience went crazy with applause.

“So how’s the planning coming,”

“Uhh...it’s proving to be harder than we initially estimated. We don’t live together—he’s here in LA and I’m in DC. So with that being said, we can’t just meet at a central location at lunch and talk about flowers and what not. He’s big money now with his ever-filling schedule and I’m doing the damn thing too so we can’t just break. We try to reserve a weekend every month to devote our time and energy to planning. The few times we’ve actually come together, progress was def made.”

“One more question before the break: when’s the wedding date?”

You looked at him with your usual “Really, nigga?” face. “C’mon, Jimmy. I can’t just disclose something personal like that. We don’t want our special day to be a media circus. But the only thing I will say is that it’s in 2020.”, you teased.

“We’ll be back after the break.” The audience applauded until the director yelled “Cut!”

—————

“And we’re back! I’m here on this Valentine’s Day with the incomparable Khalida Abdullah, attorney and activist. Now earlier, you mentioned that your fiancé is none other than actor Winston Duke, who’s been on this show before.”, Jimmy explained. The ladies in the audience swooned.

“That’s correct! He’s currently doing press for his upcoming movie Us. Y’all should hit it up next month.”, you responded, trying to conceal the goofy smile forming.

“So one thing I failed to mention before the break was that you two are gracing the cover of Essence Magazine’s Black Love issue.”, Jimmy announced. The audience cheered. He propped the advance copy up that showed you and Winston posed together and serving faces.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, is it difficult being in a relationship with a man of growing international status?”

“Well, damn. I never even thought about that. Ummmm...no. If anything, our relationship is growing stronger. Life after Black Panther has, in a sense, caused us to strengthen our communication. I believe that our mutual communication is our greatest asset. We literally text each other our daily schedules and we have each other’s events and event reminders in other’s phones. We’re very transparent with one another.”

“So you don’t get jealous with other ladies throwing their panties at Winston?”

You shot Jimmy an unimpressed look. “Why get jealous when he’s in mine all the time?”, you said unphased, shrugging your shoulders, crossing your legs and drinking from your mug. The audience hooted and hollered.

"Welll, here's an Instagram picture of the two of you. Not quite like we just discussed but very cute. Does he get tired of the graduations and celebrations you drag him to? You taking his shine?"

A picture of you two came on the screen. It was the Instagram picture the two of you took at your graduation dinner this past spring. In your beautiful red off-shoulder African dress and doctoral cap and he in his khaki seersucker and unbuttoned white dress shirt, the two of you jokingly did the “prom pose” and he was kissing your neck. Your signature smile and red lip were on full display as you were mid-laugh. The audience awed as they felt the warmth and love you two shared in that moment.

“Nahhh...in his mind, he sees us as equally yoked. Whatever hustle I have, be it a speaking engagement, an award, or anything, he’s cheering me on 125%, and the same goes for me. So with anything in our lives, you’ll see one go all the way for the other. Metaphorically, no one has a bigger head between us.”

“But in the literal sense?”

“Oh, it’s definitely his ass.” Everyone including yourself burst out laughing. “Plus, it doesn’t hurt that we’re good arm candy for each other for events. I mean, look at us!”, you said enthusiastically as you pointed at the picture.

“Well, one more thing before we go: what’s on the agenda for Valentine’s Day?”, Jimmy inquired. You carefully thought about your answer. The thought of being away from your Teddy Bear on Valentine’s Day sucked ass.

“Well, unfortunately, he’s on his way to New York to tend to some business. Buuuut, in a perfect world, I’d be rushing to finish this interview and get ready to go out on a date or stay in, get into our pajamas, and watch Forensic Files all night long.”

“Well, once again, happy Valentine’s Day and congratulations on everything you’ve accomplished. Khalida Abdullah, everybody.”, Jimmy concluded. The audience stood up and cheered as you and Jimmy chatted it up until yhe break.

“Annnnd cut! Great job, Khalida!”, the producer yelled over the PA system.

“Not bad for your first interview.”, Jimmy complimented. You thanked him for the opportunity and were escorted backstage.

Jacqui was the first of your staff to welcome you backstage. “K.D. (you hated formalities with your staff), that was amazing! It’s crazy to think that you were terrified right before this and now look at you: mastered it like it was nothin’!”, she said as she hugged you deeply. You’d thanked her and you started walking back to your dressing room.

“I just wished that Wins could’ve been here, y’know?”, you whispered loud enough so Jacqui could hear. You opened the door and it hit something heavy, the door’s impact sounded as though the victim may have been a person. Your face scrunched in curiosity and your native New Orleans kicked in for this very moment. “Bitch, who the fuck?!”, you yelled. You stepped back to make sure you were going to the right dressing room. Yup, this is my dressing room. You slowly opened opened the door again.

Your confused expression remained on your face as you heard Ed Sheeran’s Perfect playing softly. The lights were dimmed just enough that you could see Winston standing in the middle of the room looking the fuck good as usual. You ran to him, tightly hugging his torso. He took in the sweet scent of your loc oil and perfume and kissed the top of your locs. He could feel your chubby cheeks complimenting your candy apple red smile.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Pumpkin.”, he whispered.

“You raggedy as fuck. Just want you to know that. I love you though. ”, you clapped back.

“I love you, too, but hoooooow?!”, Winston looked down into your teary light brown eyes. “New York, Winston? Really?”, you answered.

“Denver, Khalida? Really?, he shot back.

Silence. “Touché.”

Your staff recorded the entire exchange. Praise the ancestors for them. You looked over to the counter to see a large bouquet of your rose trifecta and Tropical Skittles, your personal favorite candy. Your favorite snack was sporting a burgundy suit with a tan turtleneck.

“Now, I was in a crunch trying to get here, but I figured you’d appreciate the Tropical Skittles over the originals, even though Skittles are your favorite regardless.”, he explained. You shook your head as you heard his explanation.

“God, I love you, Winston.” He kissed your fivehead before giving your lips the same attention.

“I love you even more, Pumpkin.”

“Have I mentioned how much I love you?”, you asked.

“Only twice in the past hour. ”, he teased. “Now come on—it’s half-past 4 and we need to get ready for the night ahead of us.”

“Welp, there goes that Forensic Files binge-a-thon I bragged about.”

Tag Listiana 🤷🏽‍♀️

@muse-of-mbaku @kumkaniudaku @eriknutinthispoosy-deactivated2 @whoramilaje @mbakusthrone @mbakuwife @crushed-pink-petals @hoopshoney @purple-apricots @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @jackburtonsays @randomwordprompts @bartierbakarimobisson @wakandan-flowerz @blackpantherreblogs @babygirlofwakanda @eerythingisshaka @washyourlinens @turn-thy-paige @doublesidedscoobysnacks @supersizemeplz @wakandas-vibranium @dramaqueenamby @oshasimone @destinio1 @sonofnjobu @teheeboo @sarahboseman @iamrheaspeaks @chaneajoyyy @lovelynervouschaos @cay-cah @coonflix @katasstrophey @mareethequeen @jozigrrl @great-neckpectations @jellybean531 @yofavcocoa @storibambino @maya-leche @blackgirloneshots @royallyprincesslilly @texasbama @certifiednatural @abeautifulmindexposed

[herespeyton]

hazy memories & hazel eyes

TAGGING  → @herespeyton​ && @sammynolanh​

TIME FRAME  → 5th May. 

LOCATION  → Hospital & coffee shop, NYC. 

WARNINGS  → alcohol, pregnancy. 

NOTES  →  Sammy questions if Lexi is his after realizing they were both drunk at the same house party nearly four years ago. 

sammy

Sammy had a good week in New York. He missed the city all too much but his heart was now in LA with Kitty, he figured that out when the apartment didn’t feel like home anymore, LA did. After dropping off his fiancé at the airport, Sammy headed to the hospital to visit his friend Stacy. He was excited to see her and her baby boy, Sammy loved kids. As he approached the room, he saw a very familiar face leaving the room. It was the vet nurse that had helped him with Dude a few times at his check ups. He grinned wide as he made eye contact with her and waved at her. He also saw the little toddler following her. She was gorgeous and extremely cute, she had soft curls almost similar to his. “Hey Peyton! It’s nice to see you out of the clinic!” He told her with a grin. He then looked down at Lexi. He squatted down to her level and greeted her. “And this must be Lexi. What a gorgeous young lady.” He chuckled.

peyton

It wasn't even midday yet and the day already felt long. Lexi had been up since well before the sun, and Peyton was already on her third cup of coffee. But seeing the new baby had left her smiling from ear to ear, he was perfect and she was so excited for Stacey. The younger girl had been such a blessing with Lexi and Peyton couldn't believe her own little boy was already here. They were walking down the corridor towards the exit when Peyton spotted the tall brunette, "Hey there stranger." She  greets him. "Yeah, thought it was time to give actual nursing a go." She jokes, reaching for Lexi to grab her hand before the little girl wandered on ahead. "Kidding, i'll be back there this afternoon... But yup yup yup, this is Lexi. The one and only" Peyton nods, looking down at the girl. "Hey Lex, show Sammy the bells on your shoes."  Lexi shakes her shoes for him to hear before laughing. "The bells are for baby wyatt." Lexi says adamantly, very proud of them.

sammy

Sammy had never laid eyes on a cuter toddler. He chuckled at her and nodded. “Those are some very very impressive bells, Lexi. I love them.” He reaches out to ruffle the little girls hair before standing up again. “She’s precious.  I still insist that she looks just like me.” He joked at Peyton. He had seen her picture before and thought it was funny that they shared characteristics. “So, here visiting Stacy? I was on my way up there right now. I’m excited to meet the little one.” He explained. “You said you’re headed out? Busy night ahead of you?” He asked curiously.

peyton

"Thank you. My mom put them on." Lexi replies. Being around people was never something the young girl struggled with, in fact there were days as Lexi was chatting to strangers that Peyton sort of wished she was at least a little shy. Peyton squeezes her daughter's hand and smiles at her before looking back to Sammy. "You should see me with popsicle sticks, I'm  a craft genius." Peyton shrugs. "She does a little. I think it's the hair." Peyton admits with a nod. "Yup, I've just seen Stace. Wyatt's so adorable... I know it was only three years ago, but I never remember her being that small." It's like she blinked one day and had a sassy three year old running around. "Nothing out of the ordinary. We're heading to pre school now, and then you're gonna come and hang out with me at the clinic, right?" She comments, but looks to Lexi who nods. "There are kittens!" The small girl exclaims excitedly.  "Are you moving back to New York?"

sammy

Sammy nodded. “Oh really? You have a very talented Mommy.” He told her. He found the little girl so charming but he wasn’t surprised, Peyton had a charm of her own. “Yeah must be the hair and her smile.” He joked. “You’re sure I’m not her father, right? Cause I know he’s not in the picture.” Sammy jokes with a small chuckled, thinking nothing of it. “Yeah, well she’s grown into a very wonderful little lady. So it’s okay.” He grinned and listened to the little girl speak some more, his brows raised. “There are? Oh my god! I’ve always wanted a Kitten but my fiancée won’t let me.” He pouted at Lex. “I do however have a very cute little puppy.” He told her. “Nah, Kitty likes LA, so LA it is.” He explained to Peyton.

peyton

Peyton laughed, “Unless you were at Ohio’s messiest house party ever nearly four years ago, then that’s unlikely... also I mean that literally, I vaguely remember body paint being a thing.” Vaguely being a key word. Her entire memory of the night was foggy at best, which made finding the father hard at the time and next to impossible as the years went on and trying to find him became less important to her — she’d done this much on her own just fine. “Can I see your puppy?” Lexi asks, looking around him as if the puppy was going to be close behind the man. “We have a dog at grandma and grandads. Two of them.” She adds holding up two fingers. Peyton raises her eyebrows, “things she never lets me live forever down.” She nods. “Fair enough, I’ve never been to LA so can’t compare. When are you heading back?”

sammy

Sammy laughed but then thought for a moment. He did remember being at a crazy house party going into his sophomore year of college. And now that the memories were coming back, he realized why Peyton had looked so familiar. He felt light headed all of a sudden. He had slept with this girl, I mean it had to be her, he was pretty wasted but he didn’t really black out that night. He remembered the body painter taking requests... it was her. He was at that party and this little girl was very very possibly his daughter. “I- um... it was a frat party. Sigma pi...the biggest house party of the year.” Sammy stammered as he looked up at Peyton. His skin practically pale. The little girl distracting him from his thoughts. “Yeah, yes. Of course.” He stumbles on his words and pulling out his phone to show the girl. “I have pictures.” He told her as he looked through it, taking longer than usual as he was incredibly flustered. He finally found a decent photo and squatted down to show her. “Two of them? That’s amazing. Here’s mine. His name is Dude. Your mom is his nurse.” He explained, his voice shaking just a bit as he watched her, it was uncanny to him now. That girl was his. He looked back up at Peyton, not knowing if she got what he was saying earlier. She had to remember him somewhat. “You should definitely visit sometime. It’s not as great as nyc but they have awesome food and beaches and there’s also Hollywood and all the cool museums... I go back tomorrow night.” He rambled.

peyton

Peyton’s head tilts to the side, humming thoughtfully as she tried to remember back to that night. She loved her daughter more than anything, but thinking back to the party she was conceived often just seemed like a waste of time and energy now. “Yeah... I think it was.” She nods, biting down on her lower lip as she watches the way he’s reacting. “You were there?” Peyton looks between Lexi and Sammy and her eyes widen. “You were there.” She stumbles on those three words this time and she feels like her memory might be failing her right now so she doesn’t say anything more, besides by this stage Lexi is asking question after question about his dog anyway. “It’s on the list.” She replies about L.A. “it’s more important at the moment to go back to Ohio. But... yeah. One day.”

sammy

Sammy nodded at Peyton “I was there.” He repeats softly and looks back down at the little girl as she swiped through his phone to look at pictures of Dude.  Oh shit. They needed to talk but not infront of the little girl. “What’s back in Ohio?” He asked carefully.

peyton

He was there. Peyton swallows, and takes a deep breath. She wasn't about to ask anything further in front of Lexi, she learned her lesson on that one after she said the word  "fuck" and the girl walked around for a week repeating it. She hears everything. "Grandma and Grandad... Dogs. Cats. Bunnies." She says forcing a laugh for the sake of her daughter. "Hey... I need to get Lex to pre school.  But if you're not busy or  anything later, did you want to get coffee?"

sammy

Sammy licked his lips “That’s nice, I bet Lex would love that.” He nodded. He looked back down at the girl feeling himself get just a tad bit emotional, he already felt himself getting attached to her but he still didn’t know the exact truth. What if he wasn’t the father? What if he was just making it all up in his head. I mean, yes, they were at the same party and Sammy remembers seeing her there but maybe it wasn’t them who slept together. He needed answers. Kitty was going to murder him. “Okay, Yeah. I’m not busy at all. The sooner we can grab coffee than the better.” He responded to her. He crouched down again to talk to Lexi again. “Hey, little lady, your mommy and you gotta get going. I’m going to need my phone back. But I promise to send your momma more pictures so you can see them, okay?” He told her as he reached for the phone. “It was really nice meeting you.” He told the little girl.

peyton

Peyton nods. "Awesome. You should go and see Wyatt and Stace and I'll meet you ... at the coffee shop next to the pet clinic?  Just text me when you're there." She reaches into her bag and pulls out a business card with her number on it.  Lexi reluctantly hands back the phone to Sammy, "I'll send you pictures of my dogs." She replies and looks up at her mom. "I'll see you later?" Peyton comments, offering him a small smile and gesturing to the small girl that they were leaving. She needed to clear her head and try and remember what happened that night... and do it all preferably before she met up with the man again later.

sammy

Sammy keeps zoning out a bit, the girl speaking to him, reeling him back in. “Yeah, I should.  The coffee shop sounds great, I’ll see you there soon.” He nods at her, he keeps returning his gaze to the little girl. “I’ll see you around, Little Lex.” He tell her as he reaches out it has so she could give him a high five.

It was a couple hours later when Sammy got the courage to text Peyton. He was fucking terrified, and he couldn’t really believe the discovery that might be true. If it wasn’t for how much Lexi looked like Sammy then maybe Sammy would have tried to deny it but the resemblance was so obvious it had to be true. Still, Sammy wanted proof. Not that he needed it. He already felt drawn to the little girl, as if there was an instant energy connection and he already felt attached and excited. It would be heartbreaking if it turned out she wasn’t his. After getting the address from Peyton he made his way to the shop and sat at a more secluded table, waiting for the girl to arrive.

peyton

Peyton was going over every memory she had from that night. Over and over and over again. Could it have been Sammy? Sure. But it also could  be any tall brunette guy at the party and Peyton was putting his face to it because she’d 1. Just seen him, and 2. Just discovered he’d happened to be there too. She looks at his picture on her phone hoping it would help bring something back— apparently Sammy was very google-able. They’d only met a few times, but it had admittedly felt like they’d met before? Peyton got his text and told her boss she was leaving for an hour before waking to the coffee shop down the street. She was feeling weirdly nervous considering it wasn’t a date or anything close to. Opening the door, the girl spotted him in the corner and smiled softly as she approached the table, sitting  across from him. “Hey... thanks for meeting me. This is sort of strange, I guess, but I think we should talk? Maybe?”

sammy

Sammy tapped his fingers against the table as he waited. He was definitely nervous. Upon seeing her he waved at her and offered a small smile. He didn’t know how this was going to go. “Hey. Of course. We should definitely talk... but where to start?” He asked as he ran a hand through his hair. “We we’re both there that night a-and I remember you being there. You were wearing that pale pink dress... “ he rambled, just spitting out detail of what he remembered.

peyton

Peyton twists her lips as he talks. He was right, that’s what she was wearing... but  it all felt kind of unreal right now. “You never said anything before today...” she comments, feeling the need to protect her daughter. This was sudden. “Everything is a bit blurry to me.” She confesses, looking down at then table for a moment. “I was drunk, and honestly I never really do that sort of thing?” She laughs a little. “Apparently I’m not very good at having a one night stand.” Peyton pauses, and brings her hands up to cover her face, dreading asking the question but knowing she needed to. “Did we... have sex that night? Like I need you to be sure...”

sammy

Sammy nodded. “I always thought you looked familiar... but it had been so long and I don’t really think about that night too much, I mean I went to a lot of college parties...apparently...” he explained. “But when you mentioned this party, the memories just kinda came jolting in... you don’t remember any of it?... I remember thinking you were really pretty and we hit it off...”  he told her as he fidgeted with his fingers. Sammy sighed and shrugged lightly... “I don’t remember the sex... but I remember leaving the next morning, I was running late for class so I just sort of bolted... “ he confessed and paused for a moment. “You can’t deny, the resemblance is uncanny... I’ll take a paternity test.”

peyton

“I remember parts... but not everything.” She admits. “Obviously.” Peyton was suddenly feeling quite overwhelmed. “Wait... hold on. Just... give me a minute? It’s not that I don’t believe you, in fact the more I think about it the more I do. and I’m sure you’re a really great guy... but, we’re talking about my daughter. Ive done it all by myself, and she doesn’t need a father in her life. So... before you take a paternity test, just think about what you would even do if it came back positive. Please.”

sammy

Sammy took a few deep breaths “Peyton, if I had known... if I had known, I would have been there with you every step of the way.” He told her truthfully. Suddenly he was feeling protective. Sure, he never really thought kids were in his future anymore, considering Kitty’s situation but now there was this and he had a daughter. A daughter who didn’t know who he was, a daughter he was never able to watch grow up. But it was his daughter, he knew she had to be his.  “I want to be in her life. Maybe she doesn’t need me, but I need her. And knowing about her now and not being in her life would kill me. I don’t even need to take the test to know she’s mine. I can feel it.” He rubbed his face as he began to get emotional. “Sorry, I just sort of need a moment.” He said as he looked away and took a few more deep breaths. God he was so overwhelmed.

peyton

“Sammy...” Peyton didnt really know what to say anymore, this was a lot to take in and the more he talked the more emotional she was feeling. “That’s... really sweet. But I do need you to take the paternity test. I need to know for sure before letting you be in her life at all...” She runs her hand through her hair and sighs. “Take a deep breath, okay? Before you start making great plans to be around for her, get a test. And then, if you’re her father, we can talk about how you can be involved in her life.” She tried to keep her voice calm, not wanting to come off as harsh, but when it came to Lexi, Peyton couldn’t take any chances. She couldn’t afford a paternity test but she would find the money for Lex. “Are you okay?”

sammy

Sammy stayed quiet, listening to the girl. He understood, of course he understood. He couldn’t just jump into this girls life after years of her not having a father. He needed the test. That was doable. “Then lets do the test... we can do it today, or tomorrow. I’ll pay for it, I’ll pay to expedite it too.” He told her, manically. “Not knowing for sure is already driving me crazy.” He sighed and bit his lip. He needed to relax. He didn’t even know for sure, even though he thought he did, maybe he was projecting.

peyton

Peyton shook her head. “No no no, we both got drunk that night. If we weren’t, one of us would be able to remember for sure if we had sex. So, I’ll pay for half. It’s the right thing to do.” Even if part of her wanted to do the wrong thing and forget this exchanged happened. Once upon a time she wished for the help with Lexi. Now? Now, she had gotten used to it just being the two of them against the world. “You leave tomorrow night? I’m sure we can get it done before then.... I’m not really sure how these things work? Is there like a place you go? I’ll google it...” she muses, more thinking out loud at this point. “But do you think you can you keep this to yourself until we know?”

sammy

Sammy shrugged. “I know but it’s okay. I can pay for all of it. I’d rather you keep your money for Lexi.” He pushed. They were really going to do this. “Yeah, I leave tomorrow, unless you need me to stay, I can stay another day... I’m sure we can go to a clinic and get the labs done, or I think they also have those at home kits we can buy somewhere...” He told her. He nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

peyton

Peyton chuckles. It was probably not an  appropriate reaction, but she had a bad habit of nervous laughing. “No, it’s okay, you go back to L.A and get back to your life. We can get it done... well, as soon as we work out how, and I can let you know as soon as the results come in.”

sammy

“I can’t just go back to my life... this is going to be all I think about... I’ll call around. I’ll text you what I find out. I know you’re busy.” He told her as he reached out his hand to grab hers in a friendly way. “Is there anything you need right now? I know we don’t know for sure but I want to help in anyway, regardless of the results.” He offered.

peyton

“I don’t need anything.” She assures him. “Regardless of the results?” Peyton looks at him a little confused. “You have a fiancé? So, it’s okay. I manage... even if it means watching the same movie all day everyday.” She smiles across at him, he really was a genuinely nice guy. But this already felt complicated and overwhelming, and she had to think about Lexi above anything else. “I need to get back to work...”

sammy

Sammy nodded. “Okay. Um, I’ll text you soon.” He told her. He offered help because he didn’t know what else to do. Sammy was adamant on Lexi being his daughter and if it turned out to be false then he would be crushed. On the other side, how would he even begin to tell Kitty that he has a daughter with another woman? He knew it would crush her, especially with her not being able to have her own kids. Sammy stood from the table and offered Peyton his hand. “Do you want me to walk you to the clinic? I’m walking that way to the metro anyway... “

peyton

“Awesome.” Peyton takes his help to stand — There are worse people she could have in Lexi’s life. “You don’t need to, but if you’re walking that way then you’re welcome to walk with me.” She told him.  “Are you sure you don’t want to adopt a kitten on your way past? A kitten and a possible kid on the same day? That’s the dream right there.” She jokes, possibly inappropriately? But cracking jokes was the only way she knew how to deal with serious situations. Peyton pushes open the door and takes a deep breath as the get into the fresh air... it’s been a long day.

sammy

Sammy nodded and walked alongside her, his hands in his pockets. He smiles at her. “I would love a kitten but I’m sure my fiancé would murder me if I came home with a cat. She’s barely getting used to the dog we have. And with this news of me possibly being a father, I don’t even know how she’ll react...” he told Peyton. He was scared of their future but he really wanted to be in his daughters life.

peyton

“Yeah, maybe hold off on surprising her with a cat then.” Peyton didn’t know their relationship so she wasn’t going to offer advice. Besides, she’s been essentially single since she had Lexi, she really wasn’t the best person to ask on how to navigate a relationship and  a kid. She stops when she gets out the front of the pet clinic and offers Sammy a half smile. “For my sanity, please don’t forget to send at least one picture of your dog. She doesn’t forget... anything. But I’ll talk to you soon. Text me with what I need to do for the test?”

sammy

Sammy sighs “Is it okay if I mention it to her? I know we don’t know for sure but I hate hiding things from her... and this is huge... I get it if you’d rather I don’t.” He asked. He didn’t necessarily want to tell kitty right away, afraid of her reaction but he knew it was the right thing to do. He could hide something this big from his fiancé. “I’ll definitely make sure to send you a few.” He nodded “I’ll text you. Promise.”

peyton

“Of course. She’s your fiancée.” Peyton nods. “I meant more... Your... people? Is it obvious I don’t spend a lot of time with famous people.” She laughs and crosses her arms in front of her. If he was the father she’d talk further about the whole celebrity thing, but right now she just needed to focus on getting through the next couple of days. Hell, she just needed to focus on getting through today. “Perfect. I’ll see you soon, Sammy.”

sammy

“Oh thank god.” He told her with a sigh. “Of course, I wouldn’t want Lexi in the spotlight... that could be toxic for her. Celebrity kids don’t get left alone.” He commented, thinking how much their lives would change if she was his daughter. “Yeah, I’ll talk to you soon, Peyton. Thank you for giving me the chance to see if I even am the dad... it means a lot to me.”

[deeperthanloveff]

Chapter 44

Chris

I pushed my key to walk in the door and it was no use because baby girl swung open the door jumping in my arms making me smile and laugh “hi papi.”

I pecked her lips all while kicking the door shut and latching it with one hand as I balanced holding her “wassup baby love?”

“I been here waiting on you to come back to me. I cooked your favorite and then we can pick up where we left off this morning” she said allowing her robe to slide off her shoulders.

I bit my lip taking in the cheetah print lace bra and thong she had on “ok, you tryna kill your man? You to happy.” She giggled and kissed me “no crazy, I’m just tryna make it feel like old times. You’d come home I’d feed you and ride you into the mattress. It was an arrangement but I was crushing on you so hard.”

I smirked “yeah I knew you wanted a nigga. I laid the pipe crazy from day one!” She smacked her teeth and jumped down from my waist making me laugh. She tried to stomp off but I immediately grabbed her wrapping my arms around her waist “I’m just kidding Melody, I wanted you from the minute I laid my eyes on your beautiful ass. And this accent you got turns me the fuck on.” She giggled “no don’t try to kiss up to me now! How’s Kae?”

I smirked “it’s ok I’ll be kissing all this ass in a minute anyway let me put some food energy in my body. She’s not doing well. She’s suicidal and I’m honestly scared. I didn’t want to leave her.”

“You so nasty papi, but wow. Do you want her to stay here?” I shrugged “I would never do that to you. I’ll just have her stay at Erin’s. I already called her and talked to her. She honestly just wants me around, but I can’t fall back into that cycle. She’s very much so still in love with me. The way she’s so antsy until I interject or touch her. She was always like that for years, but it’s heightened.” Robin knotted her brows “that sounds really clingy.”

I shrugged “no it is, but it never bothered me before I loved that then. I love affection, she’s just so scared I think she’s put me as the savior here.”

“Chris I feel bad for her I do, but I will beat her ass. Did she try anything?” I was amused inside but didn’t show it on my face. She was jealous, she’s always been jealous of Kae and how I treat her, she’s letting me see it and boy is it something. “What you mean? Did she try to fuck me? No, she’s literally on the brink of crazy. I think the last thing she wants is my dick.”

She huffed “that’s all I wanted.” I smirked “and you got it plenty of times. Is that the problem? You think because I cheated on her with you I’ll do it to you?”

“Does is sound so crazy out loud?” She asked tying her robe up. “No baby it doesn’t. You don’t trust us alone, and it’s not like you’re wrong in feeling that way. I can assure you on my kids I just held her. That’s all she wanted, so I did that for her. I told her I loved her and I refuse to lose her and have to raise our daughter alone. Nothing happened, I’ve cheated before yes, but I’ve never lied to anyone after and I won’t start now.” I said looking her in the eyes.

“I hate that you love her the way you do, she gets this side of you I want but can never have. It makes me feel like you’d rather her over me all the time” she said looking at her feet.

When she said that, I was finally able to see what about Kae bothered her so much. I also never let Robin see me unaffectionate toward her since we had our daughter so it was probably throwing her for a loop. I closed the space between us and picked her head up “baby you have to tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. There’s nothing I won’t try to do for you. Stop comparing you and her to this right here. You never really pull me in for the soft stuff. Is that what you want? Me to be more gentle you can have that.”

I gently pushed her hair back and kissed her softly placing my hand on the small of her back. I pulled back and caressed her cheek bending to rest my forehead hers “I’m so in love with you. I want this and you forever.” She blushed a bright crimson red and hid her face in my neck making me chuckle “that’s what that feels like, damn. Now I see why you have her so hooked.”

I smacked my teeth “stop talking like it’s competition. It’s not, you want me to give you that soft affection well ask for it. I’m rough because that’s always been our thing. I can’t know you want the best of both worlds if you don’t talk to me. Communication remember?”

“I’m sorry, let me feed you. Then you can feed me that good shit” she said biting her lip at me. “You a damn nymph” I said making her laugh.

I was about grab her and she pushed me away suddenly running to the bathroom. I followed her with an urgency because I didn’t understand what was happening. Once I rounded the corner I could hear her bringing up everything she must’ve eaten during the day. “You ok?” I asked wetting a rag with some cold water for her. “Yeah, I’m fine I guess that left over shrimp I ate wasn’t the best idea.” I raised an eyebrow because she rarely gets sick, but said nothing of it “you sure you ok baby?” She nodded “yeah I promise, go eat I’m gonna clean up a bit and come join you. We have few more kid free hours and I want all of them.”

I chuckled “alright. I’ll fix you a small plate and pour you some ginger ale.” She smiled “thank you papi.”

I walked off leaving her there but in the back of my mind I felt like something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I’d find out. If Robin is by any means being sneaky I'm done. I dished our food and thought about the possibility of her being pregnant, but that’s next to impossible because I fucked her last night and this morning. So I shrugged it off going with the first option of her just being sick.

Robin

I stared at the positive pregnancy test in my hands and I started crying. Chris was absolutely not the father and how was I supposed to throw this monkey wrench in there? Oh you know I let Odell fuck your pussy raw and I also let him cum inside me, so we’re having a Beckham baby! I grabbed my phone once it dinged back with a text from Odell.

Big O 💙🏈- Come over, I’m in LA. I want this baby and you Robin.

Me- O idk, I haven’t told Chris yet I’m scared.

Big O 💙🏈- Well I’m here for you baby girl, I love you

Me- I’ll call you later

I put my phone down and put my hand up covering my face. It’s been a few days and this is the 12th positive test I’ve taken so I know I’m not crazy. Just as I thought about what to tell Chris he snuck up on me on the bedroom floor. “Aye baby, what’s wrong? You feeling ok?”

I looked at him and he rushed to my side once he saw me crying. I wouldn’t let him touch me though. I could see frustration on his face. “Yo what’s good with you? You been acting funny all week man.” I sighed “Chris I’m pregnant.” He smiled and kissed me “why you so nervous? Have I ever not wanted one of my kids?”

“That’s problem Chris, this is not your baby it’s Odell’s.” I said watching him drop his smile and look at me like I was telling a joke. “Babe that isn’t funny, this is my kid right?” I sighed and shook my head “no Chris it isn’t.” He stood up and took a seat on the bed looking at his shoes. I knew he was pissed because he said not one word. I didn’t even bother to say anything to him either. He looked at me and I could see the anger, hurt, and disgust on his face. I couldn’t look him in the eye so I just looked away. “How far along?” He asked lowly.

“I’m guessing I’m anything from 10-12 weeks along. We had sex everyday the week of the baby shower for India.” He chuckled “you know I guess this is my get back huh?” I knitted my eyebrows “huh?” “You know I got Kae pregnant so this is my karma.” I smacked my teeth “are you serious right now?” He opened his mouth but the kids ran in putting a halt on this conversation “daddy!!!” Kyia ran up to her dad and he smiled kissing her cheeks “hi beautiful. How was school?”

“Ohhhh fun today we did 3 times tables. 3x1 is 3, 3x2 is 6, 3x3 is 9! Ohhhh and I made you a picture see, we dancing daddy!” She said handing him the photo. He smiled so big it melted my heart “aww baby girl you’re so smart and this picture is perfect I’m gonna hang this on my art wall. I love it.” Christian laughed and walked over dapping up on his dad with their secret handshake and hugged him “wassup pops!”

“Shit bicking” he said making us all laugh at him being silly. As much as we fought he never let our babies see us yelling at each other “y’all say hi to your mother. Y’all act like she invisible when I’m here be nice.” They ran over to me and jumped me and I laughed holding them tight “I love you mommy” Christian said. I was so emotional I started crying. Kyia wiped my eyes “mommy why you cry for?”

“Cause I love you guys so much. I missed you today too. I think I’m gonna lock you guys up.” They giggled “no mommy you get in trouble” Kyia said playing in my hair. I smiled “never you’re allllllll mine!” I started tickling them and they fell out laughing. “Alright knuckle heads it’s time for homework, get your books” Chris said to them as he stood up.

They whined “awwweeee mannn.” He fanned them “yeah aw man my butt, come on! I ain’t raising no slow babies.” They ran out the room and he got up to follow “Chris I-“ I began but he held his hand up. “Save it, I really don’t want to hear it. You let that nigga cum all up inside my shit and you carrying his seed. I don’t wanna hear that you’re sorry or anything like that. Just know it’s different now and this shit here is the straw that broke the camel’s back. You could’ve left me and my fiancé alone and I could’ve been expecting my son to be here in a few weeks. You knew you was straight fucking that nigga letting him believe y’all was together and you still stood in that room and broke up my relationship. This type of shit is exactly why I don’t want to be with you cause you fucking selfish as shit. I’m gonna go help my kids do their homework and then we’re going to see Silver today. I haven’t seen my daughter in a few days and I miss her. Shit I miss her mother too” he said making sure to burn me with the last comment. I didn’t even bother to argue back because he was right. Odell thought we were getting back together up until that baby shower. I also was fucking him through every inch of his house like I was trying for him to give me baby. If he left me this time I can’t say I blame him. I picked up my phone and called Odell “I’m on my way” I said into the receiver once he answered.

“You ok, why you sound like that?” He asked concerned. I sighed “just stay on the phone with me until I get there?”

“Yeah I can do that” he said as I grabbed my purse and headed downstairs to grab my keys. I walked into the kitchen and kissed my babies “have fun with daddy. I’ll see you guys in a bit.”

“Byeeeee mom” they said in unison. I listened to Odell calm me down as I drove to his house to talk. He was doing everything I needed Chris to be doing, and the reassurance he was doing made me feel good. It was crazy because I never had to beg him for things I wanted and needed he just did them. With this little life inside me everything was about to change. I was beginning to wonder if Chris and I could really stand the test of time with this. Could he watch another man father my child?

Chris

“Chris unhook your sister from her car seat” I told Christian as I pulled into the driveway of the home I shared with Kae not long ago. He did as I said and helped her out the car. I smiled watching as he held her hand to the front door. I knew when they got older he will be beating some ass behind his sister. I rang the doorbell and Kae answered looking very done up.

“Damn” I mumbled. She smiled “why didn’t you just use your key, I just got back. Erin took me for lunch and insisted I dress cute.”

“You look better than cute” I said watching as she hugged the kids. “Awe, I miss y’all so much. You gotta stay with me a weekend” she said kissing their cheeks. They hugged her so tight and it warmed me to see how much they seemed to make her genuinely feel happy. “Where’s my daughter?”

“First of all she’s watching tv, second can I get some loving or something?” She asked embracing me. I chuckled “yeah you can get some loving alright” I said smacking her ass as she walked away. She giggled and I followed “what’s up with you? What did she do now?” I laughed “we’ll talk in a few, let me just say hey to my princess.” I walked in the living room to see Silver sprawled out eating pretzels “hey princess” I said softly tugging her hair.

She turned around and leaped into my arms “daddy you came!” I closed my eyes and just held her tight “I promised didn’t I?” She held me so tight I knew she missed me all the same “can you stay tonight? Please?” Without hesitation I agreed “yes, I can and for you I will.” She kissed my cheek and crawled back in front the tv with her siblings joining her with snacks of her own.

“Hey, come upstairs tell me what’s going on” Kae said catching my attention. “You’re doing better” I said noticing a pep in her step today. “The medication is helping, this is my first day wearing makeup since the accident. I’m not the best, but I’m trying. Chris I swear today is the first day I see a light at the end of the tunnel.” I closed the bedroom door behind us and she walked into the closet to change “well you know I’m here for you.”

“Yeah I know, but what’s up? Talking about your problems might make me feel better.” She said making me smack my teeth. She giggled “she’s pregnant Rue.” She shrugged “ok so, you worried about me or, wait she what? How?!” I threw my hands up “it’s his!” She dropped her jaw “whatttttttt! After all the shit she talked and now she having a baby by O?”

“Exactly, it’s always something. I should’ve never let you leave me. I miss the peacefulness in my life and your Vietnamese food” I said earning a smile. “Chris you do know that you said you love her more right? Did you lie or was that the honest truth? Was all that for nothing? Or you just pissed off she having a baby and it’s not yours?” She asked her hand on her waist. I sighed “I’m past pissed, but honestly I’m in love with the both of you. My heart feels like I never finished anything with Robin so I want to be with her and then there’s you, but it’s different you know. You don’t want much and I love that. We got therapy tomorrow and it’s about to be whirlwind because it’s confession day.”

She walked towards me and climbed onto the bed laying back “What’s your confession?”

“This baby shit giving second, third, and fourth guesses. I know for a fact I can not see her carry another nigga child and act like I’m gonna be ok.”

“Well Chris it’s time you start telling the truth, don’t let that girl think y’all gonna be together forever only for her to end up alone” she said looking at me. “Did I tell you I was sorry? Did I tell you I never meant to hurt you?” I asked pulling her small body toward mine. “No, but I like the kissing of my ass keep going.” I chuckled “I ain’t shit, you rode for me and I played you. Is there anyway you could forgive me?”

She flipped her hair “let’s start with your credit card, cough it up daddy!” I laughed so hard and handed her my wallet “anything else?” She tapped her chin “this is part where we kiss and makeup, but I guess the shopping spree can be our alternate ending.” I looked at her bare legs and I was tempted, but I was trying not to be that guy anymore “unfortunately as much as I’m tempted I probably shouldn’t.” She smiled as my phone dinged with a text from Robin. I looked at Kae and she nudged me to open it.

Robin Hood 😈💦👅💚- Chris I think we should break up. I’m sorry I begged you to get back with me, but I should’ve just left it alone

Me- Robin what?

Robin Hood 😈💦👅💚- I’m going to get back with Odell

I didn’t even bother to reply. I simply just placed my phone down kicked off my shoes and laid parallel to Rue in silence. Two whole months of my life I spend in therapy to be worth of just a break up text.

[magnoliadarling]

I took a lot of photos documenting how the stress of this summer affected me, physically, in ways I didn’t know it could affect the body. For me, this photo kind of sums it up. I think I ate 1/2 of a sushi roll that dinner. I was unable to eat. I had absolutely no appetite. I was empty and somehow went days and days with eating nothing and never felt weak. I was content being empty. I was barely 102 pounds in this photo. And this wasn’t my eating disorder. My tongue was affected with probably 300 or more inflamed taste buds for some reason. It was painful to eat. I developed a cold sore that took up almost half of my bottom lip. I get cold sores from time to time, but this thing was impressive to say the least. I didn’t really care. It’s strange for me to look back and while I’m sure my eating disorder did affect me a bit this summer, truly, this time it was driven by stress. There were points in my days where I would stare at the fridge and pantry for hours. I wanted to eat something, but everything would actually make me gag. It’s so strange to think about, looking back. 

I was stuck in a constant state of insomnia. Going days and days without sleeping or feeling tired at all, but spent numbing myself with drugs, alcohol, the business of bars and clubs and meaningless conversations that took my mind off of things up until I couldn’t stay awake anymore. I would sleep for 4 days straight, not knowing it wasn’t still Monday when it was Thursday. And I would repeat that cycle over and over. 

The main thing you can’t see in this photo that still wrecks me is the tremor I developed. It started in my mouth, spread to my hands, my feet, my whole body. I looked like I had Tourette’s or Parkinson’s. It caused to sweat uncontrollably. I tried once to start writing out the just mass amount of emotions I was dealing with, but I was shaking so bad I could only write one sentence. “You have taken too much from me.” I had people asking me at the beginning what drugs I was on, when, at the time, I wasn’t on any. People made fun of me when I was out, they would try and snap chat me. Eventually, I had to go to the ER because my doctor wouldn’t let me go home. All the drugs they gave me in the ER didn’t stop the tremors. I had a doctor come in at one point and he asked me to stand up and walk for him and my left leg shook so bad, I fell over. He had to catch me. I saw the just pain and helplessness in my dad’s eyes as he watched his baby girl literally breaking from the inside so much, my body was shutting down and there was nothing he could do. I did my best to tell him I was okay and I don’t know why I’m shaking, but it just won’t stop. I was trying to stop the pain I knew he was feeling watching me fall apart because I didn’t want him to feel that. It’s a lot of why I separated myself from my family during this past summer. They saw me broken in ways I didn’t know I could be broken and they didn’t know how to fix it. And, truly, there was nothing they could do and I couldn’t stand to see that just worry and sadness in their eyes. So, I just distanced myself. The shaking definitely caused some trauma because I didn’t know stress could affect the body that way. And it still comes back if I haven’t slept or am not okay. It’s so strange to be so unable to control your body in that way. My mom told me once that my dad took a video of me shaking while I was in the ER. I’m building up the courage to ask him to send it to me. 

I was bruised from head to toe because I was so malnourished. I was functioning, but barely. I was politely calling every wedding vendor telling them that my fiancé was ill and we didn’t need them. One by one, erasing the wedding I had always dreamed of. Cleaning up Eric’s mess that all started because he decided he didn’t need to be on medication. I was making jokes just to give people something else to talk about besides my life falling apart. I haven’t really told a lot of people this, but up until the end of July- I still had faith that he could stabilize and yeah, he might be a little manic at our wedding, but I was hoping for the most grandiose of endings to this nightmare. I clung to the tiniest shred of hope that Eric would come back to me in time to meet me at the end of the aisle. I spent countless nights having to get him out of bars because he was scaring people or hitting on girls, politely and very protectively defending him when people called him crazy. Because fuck you, he’s not crazy, he is just very fucking sick right now. I spent the whole summer having people text me and be like what the fuck is wrong with eric- asking me if I had seen some picture with him and this or that girl or if i knew that he was telling people i was a sociopath and generally just embarrassing the hell out of me on social media. And again, I knew (well, I thought I knew) that when he did stabilize he was going to be so embarrassed and feel so much hurt and regret and I didn’t want him to feel that so never once did I talk shit about him. I sent him to the psych ward 2 out of the 3 times he was in there this summer. Once where he tried to fuck a girl in the same unit I was in back in June. That same fucking psych ward where I told myself over and over and over and over again. I know Eric. He wouldn’t cheat on me. He just wouldn’t. I broke myself trying to believe that when this was all over, he would give me the fucking just decency of not even crawling on hands and knees begging me to take him back (which, honestly, he should of) but just letting me fucking yell at him for 30 fucking minutes. Because I understand he was so sick. No one on this planet understands the loss I have felt each time he gets that sick. I lose my best friend. and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. It wrecks me to see him unable to stop the things he does when he’s ill. It’s almost like he’s a child. 

So, I understand he was still. but goddamnit. It doesn’t make his actions hurt any fucking less. I’m angry that he has this fucking disorder that causes him to get so fucking sick. I would take it from him in a heartbeat if I could. No one truly gets how devastating his illness is except me at this point. Because no little girl grows up thinking the happiest time of her life is going to wrecked in the catastrophic way mine was. And I’ll never know why, this time, his illness was negatively focused on me because he doesn’t even know. I’m also just so angry at the girls who slept with him. I don’t even fucking sleep with him when he’s that ill. I feel like I would be taking advantage at him and when he slept with them- he was OBVIOUSLY fucking ill. You’re disgusting for sleeping with someone that ill. Fucking trash. I’m angry that, now, you will never see the most perfect wedding dress there ever was. I’m angry that I didn’t get to spend my birthday with you. I’m angry you couldn’t be there for me when I was suicidal in the hospital. I’m angry you didn’t listen to me about staying on your medication. There’s so much I’m angry about. And yeah, there is a piece of me that is just fucking pissed you slept with 3 ugly ass fucking whores. Sue me. But you didn’t even give me that. You didn’t give the validation that yeah, I may have fucked shit up in the past, but this....this was your fucking fault. You didn’t just let me have 30 goddamn minutes where my best friend, previous fiancé, husband that was supposed to be, understood that he wasn’t able to pick me up when I was in shattered pieces and the pain I felt and where that person didn’t blame me or didn’t use my illnesses as a reason not to be with me, but the love of my life who I haven’t even kissed or been in the same room with for almost 4 months just let me yell at you. And just absorb some of unbearable and enormous amount of pain that I had to bear alone. And at the end of it, just hold me and let me weep for all that we lost. Maybe you would’ve wept too. And then given me the true validation that yeah this was your fault and a just real apology and maybe even a thank you for still wanting to be here and never giving up that yeah you go away sometimes, but you always come back. 

No, you told me I had no reason to be  mad that you came inside an ugly fat redhead because you were sick. 

Fuck you asshole. Stop playing the fucking victim. Be a man. Maybe just, if anything, understand you have literally no fucking clue the PTSD I now suffer from and the literal trauma I went through and am still going through because of you. Maybe you could of loved me enough to just show me some empathy at the one fucking time I needed it most. You weren’t there. You were sick. Because you chose to go off meds. Even though I begged, sobbed, and pleaded on the bathroom floor for you not to. And you promised me you wouldn’t get sick and ruin our wedding. 

I don’t why I wasn’t enough for you. But I hope you truly fucking know, you’re not find better than me. No fucking woman would stay with through what your illness put me through. 

Love wasn’t enough for you this time. I hope you remember all those times we played the I love you more, no I love you more game. I win. I have always loved you more. 

I shouldn’t have to go to sleep wondering if my significant other is in love with me. You have absolutely taken too much from me. Because I’ve let you. 

And I can’t say that it’ll happen because you know. We were really happy. And that’s what’s hardest to let go of. The love I had in you will stay with me forever. But you, you will always have in the back of your head that I’m the one that got away.

Holy cow. I am not even going to read over this. It uh, I’m sure is a mess. I haven’t been able to write more than 2 sentences about this summer. So, I’m just going to leave it as it is. 

[imnoexpertblog]

I'M BACK, (maybe insert something here a little less aggressive than BITCHES) ... Nah

8/13/18

Ahhhh... It’s been a while, huh?

I had an Engagement/Housewarming party to prep for and host a couple weekends ago AND my best friend ever (ABBIE) visited from (the middle of no where) North Carolina! She was only here for a week so I took off a couple days of work to see her as much as possible. I figured it was the least I could do because she flew here just for my party. That sweet thing. (Honestly she’s kind of harsh and not sweet at all but she is sweet to me LOL).

You know what I love about my blog? I write it because I like it. I write it when I want to. It’s not something I have to get done, that I have a deadline for, etc. Dishes? Need to be done at some point every single day in my house. Laundry? Weekly chore that NEEDS to be done. My blog? Definitely something I do to relax and soothe me. Something that makes me feel good. Its not something I am obligated to do. Much like my modeling! But when I need a break, I need a break.

I took a little break because I was wearing myself thin a little bit. Not with writing, but with everything. I took a break from modeling when we bought our house because, well, I had to. I wasn’t getting enough sleep during the day because of the buying process; going to the bank when it was open, meeting with my lender when he was available, house hunting during the day, being awake for inspections, etc. Modeling was something that needed to be put on the back burner for about 5 or 6 weeks. Baby (my fiancé) is the one who pushed me to get back into it in July. Things started to slow down and I had time again! I have an issue though. I do this thing where I get very ambitious and excited to get back at something or start something new to the point that I overdo it. I booked about 8 shoots in the matter of 2 weeks and a lot of them were out of the area. I overdid it for sure and burnt myself out all over again. That wasn’t all that did it though; Abbie was about to visit, the house needed to be in order, having Nugget (my soon to be step-son) every other week, weddings and birthday parties to attend, we had our engagement photos done, etc. Honestly, adulthood was getting in the way. I am glad I booked so many shoots though because I am putting out my best content right now.

The engagement pictures are GORGEOUS. I am in LOVE. If you've read my two posts about how I began modeling, how I continue to do so now, and my advice for how to get into it, (A Model Was Discovered and Modeling a Year Later) you will recall my first real photoshoot. I posed as the bride in a wedding styled shoot for a photographer named Linsey Goodson here in Green Bay. She started it all for me and I've always been a huge fan of her work. It was such a treat for her to capture the love Baby and I have for one another in pictures. If you'd like to see more of her amazing work, go to https://linseygoodsonphoto.com/ to check it out! The wedding styled shoot we collaborated on is on her website, too. You can find her on social media platforms. I know I put a bunch in this post but if you want to see more, follow me on Instagram! @sabrinadwieland 

Any who, I have a lot of requested blog-topics to cover right now. I picked 3 just to start off with this week. I’m just gonna let you in on what they are, right up front: Religion in my personal life, my love for the show FRIENDS, and being friends with the opposite sex.

Starting off pretty heavy with the religion thing, aren’t we? A follower of mine on Instagram asked me to touch on this and I found it to be an interesting inquiry. I feel like the new age of religion is that there isn’t much of it. Or am I just not paying attention? Or are people just private about it? I’d be surprised if you told me people are just private about ANYthing in this day in age. I just had a different follower of mine tell me that she feels like she knows me just because of what I post and how often I post. I thought that was pretty cool to hear actually; that people pay attention and find my content enjoyable. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I’m not religious at all. It’s most-likely from the fact that I wasn’t raised religiously. Now, some of my family members are genuinely bothered with me “not believing.” It’s irionic because these family member who are bothered are some of the ones who raised me on a daily basis. It’s as if they forgot they never took me to church or taught me anything about the Bible. My mother and I would recite the “I lay me down to sleep…” prayer before bed but that was about it. And that didn’t last very long anyway. I wouldn’t say it’s that I “don’t believe.” I just don’t see much proof of the actual … THING I am supposed to believe in. An all-powerful man somewhere in the sky that controls everything. It’s hard for me to grasp, but it’s not for me to say it doesn’t exist. I’ve always been a bit more scientific in my beliefs. I do, however, think that we all need something to believe for our own sanity. Whether that something is real or not. It’s nice to think that Baby, Nugget, and I can go to an afterlife of some sort and be together forever. It’s nice to think that everything happens for a reason and someone or something is taking care of us, and has plans for our souls. I wish I could know if this all was real. I just don’t know if it is and I can’t count on it. I can’t say I haven’t prayed to something in times of need or hoped that there was someone/something greater than all of us taking care of me. Like I said, I have a hard time believing that it’s a real thing. Crazy things have happened in my life, miracles have taken place; horrible things have also happened, too. I’m kind of stuck in the middle with religion. I don’t know what I believe, and I’m okay with that uncertainty. I live my life with reason and logic while also trying to hold faith in SOMEthing. Even if I don’t really know what that thing is.

FRIENDS. Holy cow if you even know what my name is, you also already know I’m the biggest FRIENDS fan in the universe. I know every word of the script, I swear. It’s almost sickening and I am super okay with it. LOL. People think it’s a little odd that someone as young as me (22) is so obsessed with a show that aired from 1994 to 2004. It’s actually been in my life since I was born because my mother watched it from the beginning. I obviously didn’t understand any of it until I was older, but I’ve been watching since as long as I can remember. My mother and I have had quite the history and we struggled with our relationship when I lived with her (and that is putting it mildly). But Friends was one thing that brought us together, rather than caused issues. I’ve noticed watching/listening to the show soothes me. This sounds really weird, but because of the positive connotation it has, it seriously de-stresses me and calms me down. I have this show playing on some electronic of mine at a point during almost every day of my life. It’s on when I’m cleaning, when I’m getting ready for the day or a photoshoot, when I used to do homework in college, when I cook, when I need something to fall asleep to, when I actually just want to watch it, etc. I know the show so well that I don’t even need to physically watch it, I just want to listen to it so I listen to it at work and even when I shower. I kick some serious ass at Friends trivia because I’ve watched the series (10 seasons. 236 episodes) over 50 times. I’ve done estimates and if I watch a certain amount of episodes every day on average (which I do), I have easily seen it all way more than that, even. I’ve owned season on VHS and DVD. I literally only have Netflix for the ease of FRIENDS watching. The day it leaves Netflix, I will be heartbroken and a huge mess. It’s like a security blanket for me. I laugh at it harder the more I watch it. I feel like I know the characters personally. I own a bunch of FRIENDS merchandise. I know an unhealthy amount about the show. I just have a really deep and strong connection to the show and it may be weird to some people but I love it.  I recommend the shit out of it. I’m not even sorry for swearing, that was just passion.

Being friends with the opposite sex. From my perspective. I just talked to Baby about this so it’s coinditental that I write about it today. The wedding he and I attended on Saturday was actually for a long-time female friend of his. He was talking about how he was thinking of all the times they had and memories they shared. I found myself feeling… I don’t know the word exactly… I couldn’t relate. I have had two very close male friends and it was a constant struggle because they both wanted to be more than that when I was friends with them. Other standard male friends of mine that I never got very close to always eventually hit on me, asked me out, or flirted with me in some way. That isn’t me being conceited or anything, it’s just how it always went. I have one male friend that has never tried anything with me and I’ve never even met him. We lives a little bit out of my area and we met through friends on Facebook. He’s a great guy and I trust him a lot. I still can’t relate to Baby with the friendship because I haven’t even met my closest guy-friend. We don’t talk much anymore, either unfortunately. My best friend from work is a man, but he is also gay. We tell each other everything and we have a lot of fun together. Obviously there is no room for any possibility of something happening. I know straight men and straight women can be just friends, I just have yet to experience it myself successfully. I have no problem with Baby having close female friends; I trust him completely. I think I might not be close to any straight men because of my previous experience with those relationships. I’ve only seen the dangerous side of being friends because of who my friends were, and not the innocent side. I do believe you can be just friends, but I know there is possibility for something more to occur and I just try to steer clear of that in my own life.

How was your weekend? I had s’mom things going on. Baby is 27 and has a 3 year old brother (yep, that’s right!) and Nugget (who is 4) looooves playing with him. They get along really well. He came over and I watched those two boys for a few hours on Friday. Baby made us all dinner and then retreated to our den to play his new Madden 19 I got for him as our one year anniversary present. He loves it and I’m glad he does. The little ones and I played outside for the evening. Saturday was booked tight, as well. Baby helped his parents demo their new home while Nugget and I went to my sister’s 6th birthday party. Yep, I have a really young sibling, too. She and Nugget also are very close so they had a blast bowling. The future husband and I had a wedding to attend Saturday evening so Nugget spent the night at his soon-to-be grandparents’ house! He and my sister (we’ll call her Kin) had a blast. Then, the dreaded Sunday hit. Pick-ups and drop-offs with Nugget are not consistent each week (which I struggle with because I’m very much a fan of schedules and planning far ahead of time), getting back into the third shift groove isn’t easy, and it’s usually the day that Baby and I need to do our weekly grocery shopping. It’s my toughest day because I need to find a 4-hour block that I can sleep during to prep for my first third-shift of the week. That means that it needs to be later in the day, but not directly before I go to work (because I also need to sleep as soon as I get home Monday morning). It also needs to be quiet in the house, of course. I think my body knows it’s Sunday when it rolls around because Sundays are also the days I get migraines the most. I was having a pretty hard time today, but Baby is very attentive and spoils the heck out of me in the ways I need on Sundays. He often times makes me breakfast when we get up, does the dishes, makes sure I get that long nap in, he tucks me in beforehand, makes sure it’s quiet the whole time I am sleeping, gets me up on time, has dinner ready for when I wake up, gets me meds when I need them for my head, gets me water, etc. Sundays are my least favorite but he really makes them entirely tolerable for me. I can’t thank him enough. He pays such close attention to me and I am incredibly grateful.

That felt GREAT to write. Wow. I missed this. I don’t know what I’m writing next, but stay tuned for more posts SOON! (P.S. I would super appreciate if you shared this to your Facebook page and on Tumblr or both!)