#it’s just annoying to me that SO is basically the nice and pure version of this other show. and it’s going away | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jesperwolf · 5 months ago

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Ok ok, I don't do asks and technically this isn't an ask BUT, I thought of something... (Idk if it's something you would dig, but ehhh... Also excuse my poor writing skills, idk how to write or explain things to save my life). Also also, not as anon bc we die like Steve's characterization in EG.

What if Bucky was always manipulative and possessive over Steve? I love me some dark! versions of characters, and I want to imagine Bucky being like this from the beginning in canon compliant/canon divergence (after TWS). Also it would go nicely with their co-dependency, me thinks.

His intentions were never as pure and platonic as Steve thought. After all, Steve didn't have many people that cared about him so he didn't know better, even if his ma tried to warn him about that kind of person, she never suspected anything "bad" was going on either because Bucky was a 'good kid'.

Bucky was his only best friend and he did some things because Bucky wanted him to -like any normal friend would do, right?- , like the double dates Bucky planned, he did that for his sake -for the most part-.

So, What if Bucky thought of Steve as his from the beginning? He saw him one day and thought 'He is going to be mine' and he was just seeing how long it would take Steve to get with the program.

At first he would try to worm his way into Steve's life and heart with little things -innocuous stuff- like helping him, greeting him, asking him stupid questions, gifting him little trinkets, caring and asking about his mom, giving him side hugs -and increasing their physical contact little by little too, to make Steve more comfortable with him-, asking about his art, bringing him food when he was sick, etc. Basically presenting himself as a good fellow while testing the limits and what he can get away with.

And things started to escalate without Steve noticing, because it was something that Bucky just did for years, and it was normal for them to be like that. Bucky was the older kid that helped Steve, his first friend, then his best friend, his first kiss -its for practice Stevie! It doesn't count if you don't wanna- and well... Bucky wanted to be and would end up being Steve's first at everything that matters.

The double dates were just a front. Bucky liked to believe they were dates for just the two of them, but as they couldn't go alone... he used the ladies. He knew that the girl that would be paired with Steve would just dislike him, he planned for it to go that way after all -he's glad Steve is going to be left alone and will come back to him at the end of the day, but he's pissed off that Steve's not appreciated as he should be, because they would never appreciate him as they should, even if they were slightly interested in him-.

Bucky knew that there were some girls that found Steve kind of interesting -at least-, but he never approached them for double dates, and he actually discouraged them into pursuing Steve when they talked about it with him, but he did it in a way that wouldn't be seen as him talking badly about Steve, because he didn't. He put the blame on the girls instead, but he did it in a way that they couldn't be mad at him because he was that charming and good with words.

Steve's physical change didn't stop him from loving and obsessing over the blond. On the contrary he loves him the same, more even, because the dumb ass put his life on the line for others and for him, even if he knew Bucky would hate the fact he wasn't safe anymore, he loves him and will love him no matter what. But of course he would take advantage to explore the limits of Steve's new body and pass it as punishment just because he can.

With Peggy in the picture, he gets a bit self conscious, annoyed and jealous -But Steve promised him 'To the end of the line' already, so even if Peggy is there and is more convenient, he knows Steve's ultimately his- and well, Steve went to rescue him, he worked besides him, he slept next to him, he was with him. Not Peggy. So she was an inconvenience, but she arrived too late to make a bigger impact on Steve's life, so he isn't that worried.

After TWS, Bucky has Steve in his little finger, so he isn't as careful and subtle as before. Some of the others Avengers start to notice that something is wrong with their dynamic, and try to warn Steve, but Bucky has always been this way and Steve doesn't understand what's the problem, so he just ignores them.

Bucky? Bucky doesn't care anymore, Steve's his and they're finally together, officially together. Sure, he has trauma in spades and nightmares for months, but Steve follows him like a lost puppy and Bucky will take advantage of it like he always did.

Idk man, I was reading a fanfic that gave me this idea (of another ship and fandom tho, the charas -they were two- basically trained another into loving them. Manipulating his reality and feelings, but it was in a short period of time and when they were adults) and I just thought of Bucky worming his way into Steve's head and heart since they were kids and they being co-dependent because Bucky wanted it that way, and no one noticing in the 30s-40s because Bucky was a 'good kid' and after a 'good man'. He went on dates with women, worked on the docks, helped his family and 'helped his poor sick best friend' too, so he had a great reputation. -Bucky knew his way around people and he also knew how to fool them-

After TWS he would milk the trauma and years of torture to get away with being clingy -and more- with Steve. (Also I see him making a game out of escaping from Steve at first, to see how long it would take for Steve to give up. But he doesn't, and Bucky feels kinda exasperated but really pleased at the same time).

oh FUCK yes! Bucky always being that little bit twisted, willing to do whatever it takes to keep Steve 👀 And Steve just being so desperate for his approval and doing whatever it takes to keep Bucky happy... this got away from me a bit lmao.

Bucky 'accidentally' stumbling across one of Steve's street fights and helping him out. Pretending he has no idea why those guys are picking on Steve. Befriending him like you said, love bombing him, impressing his ma. Taking care of Steve far more than a normal friend would - not that Steve would know.

Everything he does is carefully constructed to make Steve like him, to rely on him.

Pre-war Bucky warning Steve about others their age, telling him about the shitty things they (may or may not) get up to... the people that his ma talked about.If anybody tries to make friends with Steve, Bucky coming in between them - Steve doesn't need anybody else!

("Look, pal, I'm only telling you this 'cause I like you, okay? You seem like a really nice guy, so don't tell Steve I told you this, but he thinks you're annoying and can't stand you...")

("Steve, seriously, he's an asshole if he just ditches you like that. Don't bother with him.")

Just him making himself the centre of Steve's world, isolating him from anyone else... *chef's kiss*

The double dates? Perfect

Punishing Steve if he does something Bucky doesn't like. Giving him the silent treatment, guilting him, comparing him to others, acting passive aggressive. It works its way up, until Bucky just has to look at Steve disapprovingly and Steve starts to break down.

When they get into a physical relationship, Bucky is Steve's first everything. He's very pleased with that, and plans to be his only. But when he wants to punish Steve, it works its way into this as well - at the start, just making Steve choose between not cumming or getting spanked. Working up to various, more intense methods. And Bucky definitely won't be telling Steve about safewords.

Bucky hating to leave Steve alone when he goes to war. Worries about Steve meeting other people and relying on him less. He hates the idea of Steve losing his dependence on him. Becoming less sheltered. He hates the idea of Steve going to war even more.

Him being obsessed with the evidence of Steve's devotion to him, when the 107th gets rescued - proof that Steve will do anything for him. Although Bucky is pissed off about the serum, and Steve risking his life, and takes his anger out on Steve - punishing him. And absolutely testing his new limits!

Steve just accepting it, because he deserves it! He enlisted against Bucky's wishes, he risked his life multiple times, he didn't even ask Bucky's opinion about taking the serum (nevermind the fact that it was top-secret). Sure, the punishment's worse than ever, but he also betrayed Bucky worse than ever!

Oh, Peggy... Peggy could've been a threat, but Steve's already gone to the ends of the earth for Bucky. He just has to make sure Steve remembers that.

For Steve, Peggy was nice - it was good to have a friend while he was apart from Buck. But Bucky's a bit jealous, and gets upset whenever he and Peggy are together, so Steve tries to spend as little time as possible with her. Making up excuses so they're never alone together, so he can get back to Bucky.

When Steve wakes up in the 21st century, he's so lost and alone. He's never had to make friends on his own, he's always had Bucky for that. Everything is so different and he feels unsteady, like the ground is shifting beneath his feet. Steve catches himself talking to Bucky, sometimes, not to mention the countless letters he writes. He tried to pick up a pencil, once, but every line and every sketch was wrong.

He ended up burning those pages.

THE WINTER SOLDIER. Oh my god, I have so many thoughts here.

After the helicarriers, the Soldier goes and does his research on Rogers. Visiting the museum, studying Captain America's history. None of that explains why this man is so obsessed with him, why he would let something with his friend's face kill him.

Everything in him is screaming to avoid capture, so he stays on the run. He destroys HYDRA facilities, brutally killing the agents and scientists. His memories slowly come back about the man - Steve, he recalls one day - and his life before, and he remembers how the man was his.

The Captain is still desperate to find him, slowly trailing behind the Soldier's wake of destruction. Now, with each facility he decomissions, there's a stack of files and photos of how the Soldier was trained, how they remade him.

He stalks Steve Rogers when they're in the same city, always keeping his distance, watches as Steve loses sleep and loses weight. The man with him tries to take care of Steve, but Bucky is viciously pleased to see him fail each time.

Steve refuses to give up on Bucky, even as he learns what he's done and what was done to him. Bucky continues this pattern, wanting to see how far it'll reach - destroy a base, leave some information that will sicken Steve, watch as Wilson comforts him, move onto the next base - wait.

As the weeks and months pass with no sign of Bucky, Steve finds himself relying more and more on Sam, his steady presence and cool head. He's not giving up on Bucky, but sometimes it's nice to just take a break and be a tourist in whatever city they're in. They're definitely not going on dates.

And Bucky sees this. Watches them get closer. Go out together. Sees the way Wilson looks at his Steve. Finally, someone is appreciating Steve, but Bucky's not there.

After another one of those not-dates, after a quiet dinner together, Steve and Sam come back to find Bucky in their hotel room.

("Please, Steve, you have to help me. I can't do this on my own anymore." Bucky's voice trembles as Steve stands, frozen, drinking in the sight of his friend. He looks awful, clothes torn and hair tangled, but Steve's never seen anything better in his life.)

(Bucky pretends he has no clue where Steve just was, completely ignores Wilson as he tries to talk, just gazes pleadingly at Steve. And, bingo, he spots the exact moment Steve's heart cracks. He knows he's Steve's focus again, finally. The outfit was a nice touch, he thinks.)

When they get back to the US, Bucky asks to live in Brooklyn again. It feels like home, he tells Steve, and if there's no Sam Wilson or Avengers close by? Well, that's just a bonus.

Steve goes out, sometimes, but more often than not Bucky has nightmares, or a newly-remembered mission, and doesn't want to be left alone, so they mostly stay at home.

Bucky loves it.

They have sex eventually, Bucky convincing Steve that it won't retraumatise him or any shit like that. It's a relief for both of them.

Bucky introduces Steve to BDSM, telling him about how it's like what they did before but they've got all these new toys now. He still doesn't mention safewords, of course.

Now, you could either have Steve not have sex with anyone in the 21st century before Bucky, so he's desperate and lonely for companionship, OR you could have Steve having one night stands and Bucky punishing him for that, OR Steve tried dating and when Bucky learns about this, becomes upset and makes Steve feel guilty... hm many good options.

Steve doesn't go anywhere without Bucky now. They've both spent too long without each other, hiding their relationship, for them to waste this precious time.

But Steve's so glad Bucky's back. He's got his anchor point back, and he knows Bucky will always take care of him.

#stucky #dark bucky barnes #writing #long post

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spider-mar2004 · 1 year ago

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🕸❤𝕎𝕖𝕓𝕓𝕖𝕕 𝕊𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕤💙🕸

The Meeting

Pairing: Kaine Parker x Marlette Saravia [Canon x OC]

Characters: Kaine, Marlette [OC], Ben Reilly & Miguel O'Hara

Summary: Kaine lately was behaving in a bad mood, seems he didn't do a mission for a while and he's bored, stressed about it. Until, maybe do it with someone can help him, and not a someone known...

Warnings: Swearing, Kinda Impulsive violent behavior, Mistrusting feelings & A little of Slowburn.

Well, all stories starts in a place right? Or maybe in many places once? Oh wait that should start many stories then, anyways. Since the multiverse is infinite, let's just start in a direct point and is...

Spider-Society, in the universe exactly named Earth-927. A futuristic world, in a city known as Nueva York, basically the spanish "worded" version of New York. But it doesn't matter now, the place would be in a huge building where many but many variants of the hero Spider-Man are in from other infinite universes, or better called "Earths" let's say.

Inside the building, every Spider-men, Spider-women, etc. Would be having a normal and nice day, or well at least many of them, because some aren't not in a good mood just exactly like...

Ssswisshh.

That noise, it was heard like someone pulled out a knife. But actually no, for now there wasn't a spider using knifes, unless stings can count as them too.

Yes, we talk about the first clone of the famous Peter Parker from the Earth-616, Kaine Parker, made by The Jackal, and considered as a failed clone expermient unfortunately. Anyways enough describing a lot. Kaine Parker would be in a corner, his expression serious under the dark mask with red lenses, displaying and staring at his own stings from his wrists, they were sharp and scary so nobody would likely love being stabbed by them after all.

He seemed to be apart of serious, he was also annoyed, maybe because he didn't have anything else to do? Not just that actually, it was also sometimes his mind was trapped by the memories of rough, painful and yet violent moments.

". . . Being in this bullshit doesn't do anything, or at least "help" me."

Kaine said in an almost whispering tone for speak with himself, unlike other many spiders. He seemed to be a not really social one, aswell as territorial. When he took a sigh for catch a small breath, he cutted and quickly looked as a sound from a landing person appeared. It was Ben Reilly, the second clone of the same mentioned Peter, just this time was more into a success. I know, sounds painful comparing like that but sadly it was the truth.

"Damn these idiots won't even let me express myself there-"

Ben said with a small snort, until he noticed Kaine and his sting, he rolled his eyes under the mask and then walked closer to him.

"Again annoyed? Urgh... I know what you feel or think, or whatever but man just try forget it already, slowly at least-"

He was interrumped as his spider-sense activated before and now dodged a small attack from his "clone sibling" Kaine from his stings.

"Whoa! Chill dude i try to say the pure truth!"

"Do i need hear your stupid mouth throw up of those words? Is my bussiness, my problems, not yours, because the fact that you fucking suffer "Identity clone crisis" is not an excuse about me, being the first clone."

Kaine as he took off his own mask in a slight violent way he growled, yes, he seemed even more annoyed. He was also revealing his strange scarred face with a brown long hair, including a small bun on it, while Ben stepped back and also took off his mask, revealing his face with his golden hair, his expression was a little bit surprised as he saw how his clone brother mentioned that and still didn't get over it.

"But I AM trying MY BEST to get over it! Then don't use the "first clone" excuse! I know what you passed! But please at least try control those impulsive thoughts!"

Kaine snorted angrily, hot air coming out from his nostrils and rolled his brown eyes and baring his teeth. Ben frowned in a worried way, he wanted to try help him but that sturbborn and angry behavior very surely won't let him. Until he thought for a few seconds and got an idea.

"I know that you want be better and anything but... Maybe you can go distract yourself...? Seriously don't let that dark past trap you easily again because you... You'll suffer, you'll be in a eternal pain between the dark claws of it and-"

"So are you telling me go outside like a dog, hooow greaaat. And stop sounding like that because you are not a poet or some shit."

Kaine snapped with those not friendly words, Ben blinked just a few times, staying now in silence, maybe his presence was mostly annoying him? He wasn't sure but, although he was a little dramatic, he wanted still to help.

". . ."

The scarred spider-man sighed silently for try to calm down and looked at Ben with that "okay fine" expressing eyes. So as Kaine accepted about the do the mission, which can at least keep him distracted. They both went to the control center of the Society, where the boss there Miguel O'hara who was managing some stuff from his bright orange screens, like always. Since he didn't have a spider-sense, he wouldn't notice the two men behind him until the AI asistant Lyla popped on Miguel's shoulder and poked his unmasked face.

"Ey ey eyyy Mr. Taco-man, guess the clone Earth-616 brothers needs you."

Lyla said, pointing at the clones with a silly goofy smile, Miguel inhaled a lil grumpy, seems he was just too busy and concentrated, but if is about Kaine, guess it makes already his day bad, because they never got along but well is just for a minute so what could happen.

"A ver que quieren..." [Okay what do ya'll want]

"Uhh... Dad- I mean Boss- I mean Miguel! Lately again Kaine is not being friendly still and seems this doesn't help him... Which we are just asking you if is that fine we can send him do a mission, i can go with him if is that okay..."

Ben somehow became a bit more docile or vulnerable towards the tall mexican spider-man, which by that Kaine made an annoyed face thinking how Ben is acting like a sort of golden retriever puppy. But mostly he was even more stressed when he looked at Miguel with those eyes of pure dislike or... Hate possibly.

"Ah, yeah you. Thought you went some Margaritas then-"

"I didn't even have the time for that, Tequila-Ass."

Miguel's sarcastic phrase was quickly cut by that rude phrase from Kaine, Ben gulped a bit and just looked at both, staying silent for a bit.

"Huh, Okay."

O'hara crossed his both shoulders, he wasn't feeling intimidated or anything. So he looked away at an already portal which he was planning go to a mission but since Reilly suggested that...

"Well, i think you are lucky with it, i was planning do a mission but, seems you can be ideal for it."

"If is ideal for me die there already, would a be a pleasure then."

Kaine replied sarcastic and putting his both hands on his own waist, Ben made an even worried face as he was listening.

"Whatever you say. Just, listen here. All you need do is go to the Earth-1610, an-"

"An anomaly going around there, i know that already and if y'all excuse me, i leave for do that shit and go back to my world because i am tired."

God Kaine kept interrupting the leader's words which he reacted even more stressed, it was reasonable we guess.

"Then i'll don't waste my time on you if is that you really want, or better i should. But just, listen. You won't be alone because the anomaly is not a really easy one."

"Oh! Then i can go-"

"Ben, no. We don't need you, for now."

Ben Reilly made a sad expression and looked down for a bit but also he was confused, just aswell like Kaine who before go to the portal he turned to see Miguel.

"I have someone who you can be a great team, and kinda reminds me of you so."

That made the brothers be even more confused, specially Kaine, why he would need help if he can do it all by himself? Well at least not with Ben because although he was slowly getting better, still his crisis can appear in any time. But well, Ben's spider-sense again turned on as then he looked up, at the dark ceilings, a dark camuflaged figure was there, with glowing blue things like eight eyes, stripes and more was staring down at them and those eyes didn't look friendly, so Kaine did a defensive pose aswell Ben.

The figure jumped and then landed in the same dark distance, then the it began to get close as it walked, slowly, revealing someone...

A tall 6'7 Spider-woman with a muscular, intimidating-looking but also yet a little kinda attractive body would approach, the shoulder-spiked suit was tones of blacks and glowing light blue mentioned eye lenses, stripes, logo and spike-tips. She was just scary, there wasn't a big female spider that literally could take the same level of intimidating look as Miguel.

The siblings widened their eyes, Ben was surprised and stepped back, oh god he could even feel already his skull being crushed by her easily. While Kaine stared at her, he saw she was slightly taller than him because he was 6'4 of height. But he wasn't scared or intimidated, he was still displaying that grumpy serious face.

"So, is that the guy i go with?"

The lady named Marlette Saravia said with a low tone that showed the definition of coldness, staring at them as the mask disappeared fading away which yes, her suit was also holografic just like Miguel's by the reason of belonging a universe which was futuristic aswell but different comparing this Earth-928.

Kaine just stared at her face, his expression was still not so happy, like always. And of course a strong feeling of mistrust began already to work in his mind. Marlette raised an eyebrow slightly, angry spiders is not new to her because she was also one which could be difficult how the connection of these can work, but Kaine probably can give an oportunity of himself? Who knows.

"Just let's go already."

Kaine simply said, entering to the portal but imstead just leave her, he just waited a bit anf turned slightly to see her while putting on his mask, Marlette would activate her mask, shrugged and just followed him. While Ben watched them leave with that classic frown.

"Why didn't you let me go with him...-"

"You will always bring an useless drama during any mission, so is enough for that you know? You would indeed have a bit of time for "treat that" if you know what i mean."

Miguel explained as then he came back to his work, while Ben just looked down and left walking feeling slightly sad, and worried.

Wondering if these two can get along...

Here is how they met i'll do another chapter of them in process of the mission they will going to do for add more slowburn. Apologies really if the Characters are OOC anf if it was veery long, but i tried my best but at least had some fun writting, hope you enjoy. :) 💙🕷

#mar's random shit #oc x canon #Kaine x Marlette #My writting

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endsicknessorg · 7 months ago

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When I realized my symptoms were due to MCAS, I did what any rational person would do—I went down a three-year rabbit hole of research, Googling like my life depended on it (because let’s be honest, it did). I bought over 100 natural mast cell stabilizers, turning my kitchen into something that looked like a pharmacy married a vitamin store. But after trying everything short of witchcraft, I found 16 winners that worked like magic.

Now, I can’t keep this treasure map to myself. If you’ve been dealing with mast cells that act like toddlers after too much candy, let me share what I’ve learned. Grab a comfy chair, maybe a snack (low histamine, of course), and let’s calm those cells down together.

The Best Natural Mast Cell Stabilizers for MCAS

Quick Disclaimer: Every stabilizer here is naturally derived. Why? Because synthetic supplements are like store-brand cereal—they look the part, but they’ll disappoint you. I’ve listed the best brands next to each title because quality matters. Can’t find them in your country? Don’t panic. Go for the next best plant-based version and hope your mast cells don’t file a complaint.

1. Raw Colostrum – Local Farmer

Think of raw colostrum as the MVP of immune health. Packed with proline-rich polypeptides (say that five times fast), it calms your mast cells, blocks inflammation, and strengthens your gut like a protein shake for your immune system. It’s also got immunoglobulins that hunt down bad guys (pathogens, not your annoying neighbor). If you’re wondering, “Where can I get this liquid gold?” check out my linked article or find a local farmer who isn’t stingy with their cows.

2. Bifidobacterium – Probiota Bifido

Bifidobacterium is your gut’s bouncer—keeping the riffraff (leaky gut) out while making the environment nice and cozy for your mast cells. It produces butyrate, which is basically a calming tea for your immune system. Bonus: It boosts Tregs (your immune system’s chill-out squad). If your gut’s been acting up, bifidobacterium might just be the probiotic BFF you need.

3. Magnesium – Aquamin by Nature's Answer

Magnesium is like the chill cousin who tells your mast cells, “Hey, relax, it’s not that serious.” It balances calcium levels to prevent overreactions and powers up your body’s antioxidants like glutathione, making sure oxidative stress doesn’t turn your immune system into a drama queen.

4. Vitamin D3/K2 – Sports Research

Mast cells love vitamin D3. It binds to their receptors and basically tells them to stop throwing tantrums. It also boosts your gut lining, detoxes your system, and keeps inflammation at bay. Think of it as sunshine in a bottle—but make sure it’s plant-derived because we’re keeping it classy here.

5. Fucoidan – Swanson Vitamins

Fucoidan, aka “seaweed sorcery,” calms mast cells by messing with their calcium levels. It also boosts your gut bacteria and helps Tregs (the immune system’s peacekeepers) do their thing. Plus, it’s fun to say: FOO-koi-dan.

6. Beta-Glucans – Pure Synergy

Beta-glucans are like emotional support carbs for your mast cells. They latch onto receptors, calm inflammation, and help your gut produce butyrate. Plus, they’re found in oats and mushrooms—so yes, breakfast can be medicine.

7. Acacia Senegal – Anthony’s

Acacia Senegal is like the fiber that could. It feeds your gut bacteria, strengthens your intestinal lining, and promotes anti-inflammatory vibes. Your mast cells will thank you for this one.

8. Apigenin – Swanson Vitamins

Apigenin is the monk of flavonoids, helping your mast cells find their Zen. It blocks inflammatory pathways, calms calcium influx, and boosts those all-important Tregs. It’s found in chamomile, celery, and parsley—so sip that tea and relax.

9. Bee Propolis – Eco Bee Farms

Bee propolis is like the honeybee’s secret weapon. Packed with phytonutrients, it calms mast cells, boosts your immune system, and even helps your gut flora flourish. It’s basically a superfood with a superhero cape.

10. Zinc – Triquetra

Zinc is the unsung hero of mast cell health. It regulates calcium, supports detox enzymes, and boosts Tregs. Combined with magnesium, it’s a dynamic duo for calming your immune system.

FAQ: Let’s Break It Down

Q: Are supplements the first step to overcoming MCAS? No way! First, kick those dietary triggers to the curb with an elimination diet. Supplements without diet changes are like trying to put out a fire with a squirt gun—ineffective and frustrating.

Q: What’s the best dosing strategy? Rotate your supplements like a playlist. Mast cells hate monotony. Overuse can lead to sensitivities, so mix it up for better results.

Q: What if I react to a supplement? If even “calming” supplements are causing chaos, your environment might be the culprit. Check for mold or mycotoxins—they’re the arch-nemesis of happy mast cells.

Conclusion: Supplements Are the Sidekick, Not the Hero

Mast cell stabilizers can work wonders, but lifestyle changes are your main weapon in this fight. Once you’ve got your diet and stress under control, these supplements can be the cherry on top of your healing sundae.

Got questions? Reach out—I’ve been there, and I’m here to help. Let’s kick MCAS to the curb together.

Happy healing, Matt Nedin Certified Holistic Nutritionist | EndSickness Founder

#mastcellactivation #MCAS

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vitaminwaterreviews · 8 months ago

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XG - AWE

Look, I gotta be honest, I am extremely disappointed by this album. It ended up being three new songs, the whole album together is 23 minutes, and two of the songs don’t even feature XG themselves on it. It’s basically a single album, or an EP with two pre-releases, which is kinda frustrating. I might’ve enjoyed it more if I hadn’t heard two and a half of the songs already, but I had, and experientially that definitely changes my perspective. I will add all three of the new songs to my playlist though, I did genuinely enjoy them. All of them had clear drawbacks, and in general this album felt way more NewJeans than I’ve come to expect from XG. That said, I appreciate the intro and the interlude from a purely creative perspective, even if it’s annoying how few actual songs we got here. I liked the harmonies on In The Rain, I liked the soundscape on Is This Love, and I liked the instrumental on Howling. But still, it really just didn’t do enough for me, and it doesn’t help that both of the pre-releases are kinda mid too. Song average of 7.1, that’s fair enough. It’s alright, but I don’t think I’ll ever listen to some of these songs again.

- HOWL

Okay, an instrumental intro, haven’t had an album with one of these in a while

7/10 I guess? It’s an intro, it did intro things

HOWLING

Alright, here we go

QR Code mask

Mmmmm that bass

And look, there’s a howl

Love the instrumentals here, Love whatever that string instrument thing is

Actually, I dunno about this chorus yet

Mmmmm but I love the instrumental so much

Yeah “Wolfgang” is a name that exists

8/10, I love the instrumentals but honestly the chorus is really mid to me on a first listen

SPACE MEETING skit

Help I don’t speak Japanese

Or maybe it’s Korean

Oh ok but I do understand this part

Okay so wait, this album is only 3 new songs, huh. Not gonna rate this one bc it’s uhhhh not a song.

Actually wait let me see what I’ve done in the past for this sort of thing

Mkay looks like in the past I have rated things like this, so we’ll go with

8/10

IYKYK

I have heard this song a few times before

Very trendy kpop vibes, very NewJeansy

7/10

SOMETHING AIN’T RIGHT

Another one

I don’t mind this one as much. Actually, I think this is the second XG song I ever heard

(My first XG song, of course, being Woke Up)

7/10

IN THE RAIN

Six songs in, and our second new song!

Kind of a vibe, I actually really appreciate how the vocals are used

Very thick

Kind of Young Posse - Umbrella insofar as its a hip hop ballad about rain

Yeah, the “goodbye” is really good

Oh ok nvm, they have no umbrella in this song

8/10

Woke Up Remix

Ain’t no way I’m typing all that up

I can tell you already I will not be adding this song to my playlist, just because I hate when a song starts playing but I’m not sure what version it is

Lol “Tokyo arigato” ok dude

Nahhh you can’t just say “Tokyo drift” because they make that exact joke in the song, except they do it way better

Very curious what he just said about “kpop, jpop”

Oh ok, he’s just saying “I love kpop, jpop” alright then

This literally isn’t even an XG song, where are XG at

I bet this is the type of song that a hip hop fan would appreciate, but I don’t really get it

5/10

IS THIS LOVE

This is kinda nice

There are a lot of little sound effects and things in the background

Like, the soundscape is very thick

7/10, very short

#album #kpop #XG

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zealsoughtsequesterustanxiedemon · 2 years ago

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On last RB

reminds me of the cis male version of that. Brain used to get so weird about trans fans of those characters that would claim that they were trans.

Was very stuck in the mindset of like "Okay they aren't definitionally transgender" (whatever that means). Most people saying it probably mean they're more, like, thematically transgender or just very relatable to trans people. Or they're just unaware of how cis people could relate to it. I've actually seen my fair share of comments from trans women on GB/CD manga going, "I don't know understand what cis people get out of this". They make me laugh.

Regardless I'm not very bothered by it nowadays unless it's accompanied by complaints about people gendering the character as male. Or just shitting on the author for "not understanding that trans people exist." The latter def still annoys me, like this character couldn't be an honest exploration of gender or that the author actually wanted to make a trans character and got told no by publishers. But my brains better now about just muting/blocking and moving on.

Cause I do understand the frustration. There's not a lot of trans characters out there in anime/manga, at least not in the mainstream. These are characters they really relate to and see themselves in. I at least feel being disappointed when a character you thought was trans has the story opt out of making them trans. I've definitely had those with gender bending stories before, even had one that did the opt-out right at the end and left me crying and angry and feeling like shit. I get wanting to see your gender identity reflected there. And for them talking about it they basically get harassed. Even if they can still be an asshole about it sometimes, it's such a minor issue to me now. Again, if it really bothers me, I can always mute/block and move on.

Really we should have plenty of trans and cis gnc characters to pick from. Personally speaking, I definitely need the latter and want more of the former that I don't just see as the latter. Cis people, at least a decent portion of us are always gonna need cis characters that fly in the face of gender norms. It's always weird when people call that kind of behavior "not very cis", when like, to some of us it's kinda intrinsic to being cis. Struggling with gender was actually always a cis experience thing to me; like, not a struggle about which gender you are but like how good at gender you are. Feeling like less or like more of a man. I saw that type of insecurity everywhere growing up, not all equivalent, but definitely there in some amount. Seeing this kind of exaggeratedly "feminine" traits being carried by a man who's often very secure in his masculinity feels so freeing. Even when those characters are insecure, I can see someone who feels a lot like me. It validates my "feminine" interests, lets me feel okay to want to be cuter, wear different clothes, etc.

Its nice seeing that trans people, especially my friends, love these characters too. I love that there's people like me out there, connecting to the same characters, even if we're just a little different (or a lot different). I think part of my original insecurity with these characters being called trans was, like, I figured these were people who'd understand exactly how I'd feel about these characters, but instead, from my understanding at the time, they were denying me. Saying that I shouldn't relate to that character or that if I did I'm probably not what I think I am. The cis side of the conversation is often v surface level ("He's just a guy who likes cute things" or pointing at snapshot-able gender confirmations). So glad I've got plenty of trans friends now who make me feel cool about this stuff and can talk more substantively on characters like this. I love em and wouldn't trade em for any amount of transphobic assholes that'd call these characters men purely because of their AGAB. ❤��🧡💛💚💙💜

#Anx-I-E-Demons #also looong post #don't know why my brain needs to write so many words tonight

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nightglider124 · 2 years ago

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Titans: Season 4 - Ep11 - Thoughts

I have finally watched the episode. My God, my day at work was agonizing; I looked at tumblr and saw gifs and posts and was like screaming cos I wanted to watch it.

Anyway, since I've just freshly finished watching it, I am gonna note down some thoughts!

So... I feel weirdly mixed on this episode? As an episode it was good but as the penultimate episode? Idk... I feel kinda meh about it? I don't wanna come across as negative and the rest of this will mostly be stuff I enjoyed since I actually did enjoy the majority of it and as an episode in itself, it was good but idk... the fact the finale is all that's left, I feel like it's gonna be rushed... or the actual action is gonna be over super quick etc and loose ends won't get tied up... and I hate to say it, but I am kinda now doubting what is in store for dk fans in the finale? I would have thought this episode would have had more than it did, I gotta say. Idk... I just felt I had to say that to begin with.

Sigh, Kory continues to be and will forever be my absolute favourite. Idgaf what haters say and shit, I love Anna as Kory. I really do. She might not be like some of the versions people know Kory from but I think she brings close qualities and if anything makes this version of Kory edgier. Like, I absolutely adore her. Starfire is my absolute favourite DC character. Always has been, always will. I basically support any and all versions of my baby girl since DC doesn't spotlight her as much as they should cos she's fucking amazing.

Kory's dreaming and shit has me nervous for her. Like, we all know by now some bad shit goes down and happens to Kory. I am so dreading it. I know that she's gonna be fine from BTS stuff but like... it's still gonna hurt like a motherfucker.

Mercy was an interesting addition this season, I gotta say. I like the actress a lot since her days on Coronation Street (UK soap opera) and honestly, seeing her get choke slammed by Kory had me grinning but I like in the end she is purely like fuck it, take the documents, whatevs. Gar was also hilarious in that scene like no we don't need them all but I'm taking them ehehehehe. XD

Was... Was I missing something with May?? Like I thought she was dead when he burnt her ass up last episode? I was really confused cos she was just walking about like that didn't happen. Did she die and come back or was she never dead?? What... was that bodybag scene in the last ep real? I thought it was a dream. It was weird. I mean she dead af now and I enjoyed her as Mother Mayhem; she really had the villain oomf. Sebastian is... lacking in comparison.

In addition to that, Sebastian had potential to be scary but honestly, he comes off as a whiney mamas boy like he is grating. XD

Conner... my boy, I am always so left and right with you. I'm glad he is actually team Titans but... idk something in me still isn't trusting his ass XD. Like, I thought the bit with him and Dick in the tunnel was him tricking Dick or something but seems legit. We'll agree to like Conner and trust him... for now. XD

So, I didn't mind the Jason and Tim scenes but fuck me, wrong time. Like, I'm sorry. It felt so badly placed. We are at the penultimate episode and we're now just getting some Tim training as Robin with Jason? Nah, I was annoyed. And, they spent so many scenes on it?? Like miss me with that bs. It felt unnecessary, imo.

Another sour note, I feel like we actually could have had a lot more Kory scenes considering the episode was called Project Starfire. Like, damn. I promise, that's my only really salty thing.

Now, ahem... the dickkory scene on the balcony was cute af. It really nicely reflected the scene in S1 at the motel. But, it was too shorttt! Their sweet scenes are just... always too short for my liking which is disappointing. I'm happy for all and any scenes but jeez.

Gar and Rachel talking about wanting a change and shit, I was like are y'all gonna leave the famjam?? Cos I will not be emotionally okay if that happens. I literally just saw a certain new hero film where this was also a thing like pls CAN YOU NOT. My heart can't.

Lmao, Dick in the chamber thing when they were powering the orb thing was hilarious. Like, boy done fucked up the whole plan bc of his own anxiety for his wife. It was cute and his concern was very obvious.

Also, side note, the bit where Dick, Rachel and Gar appear where Kory is with Mercy made me giggle. Like Dick was so huffy like 'Making new friends?' and it was unusual like in this series its a real rarity that Dick is annoyed at something Kory has done like he has let her get away with literal murder whilst batting eyelashes at her. So, it was like tehe. Ya know? I'm assuming others know what I mean.

ALSO. When in the chamber thing as they got to 98% and before Dick fucked it up, did you guys notice Kory's eyes? That tiny bit where it went a bit slower and her eyes like flickered from glowing to normal? Was that something up with her powers or am I imagining shit?

I think that's mostly my thoughts. I still don't know how to feel on the episode. It didn't blow me away and I feel like with penultimate episode, I should be? I got excited in like the very last minute where he blows the horn and Kory's like 'There's only one way to end this. My way.' like bitch is dead serious and I'm scared for my girl.

I'm hoping the finale is really good buuut... I have also seen screeners really hyping it up and I'm just not trusting it. So, I think I'm gonna try and go into the finale with as less an expectation as possible to avoid crushing disappointment. I'm not gonna have any theories or anything or scenes that I would ideally like bc I think that's how you get set up for disappointment.

I'm gonna enjoy the ride and just see where the finale takes us. Weird that this time next week, Titans will be over. Sad times. :(

One upside, I'm working til 3pm next week so I am gonna try my absolute HARDEST to avoid tumblr and just not look at the tags so I remain blissfully unaware of what happens. Even if it kills me.

Each week when I am at work and a new episode of Titans comes out, I literally refresh the dc titans and dickkory tag like a thousand times to get me through the day.

Anyways! Hope others liked this episode and see y'all for the finale!

#dc titans #titans spoilers #dc titans spoilers #dickkory #just my thoughts

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soleadita · 2 years ago

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the arospec eddie diaz post

in honor of aromantic awareness week and also me having a lot of thoughts about eddie diaz at all times, i'm going to talk about arospec eddie. sorry but not sorry. it needed to be said.

(tagging @xjustonemoremiraclex because i promised you a post about this a while ago but i had too many thoughts and no idea how to wrangle them. and ty @scattered-winter for witnessing the pure unfiltered chaos version of this unfold over dms <333)

this is sort of a spiritual successor to my queer pepa post, by which i mean it's about the possibilities!! i'm not saying i believe this is canon and i'm not saying i hope this is canon and i'm not saying it's the one and only and correct way to see eddie. i'm just saying the foundations are there, and the possibilities are fun to think about!! (and also ok fine, nothing about this man gives me any indication that he’s got a firm grasp on what romantic attraction feels like.)

disclaimers: (1) this is heavy on the projection; (2) I AM NOT SAYING I DON’T WANT BUDDIE CANON I DO WANT BUDDIE CANON I LOVE BUDDIE. this is just something i think about kind of a lot and i’m always saying i want more aro headcanons and interpretations of my beloved characters (or literally ANY characters, i'll take anything i can get), so i’m just trying to be the change i want to see in the world. (3) i really tried to make this as aro-focused as possible but it ended up being a blend of aroace + autistic because, like i said, this is projection, and for me, those three parts of me are wrapped up in each other in a way that's hard to separate; (4) re: canon and timelines, i did go and google a few things that i wasn’t sure about but other than that, most of this is pulled from my own recollections. if there’s anything glaringly and FACTUALLY incorrect, i’m so sorry, it was not intentional; (5) i tried to organize this in a way that somewhat makes sense but it's a little rambly; i hope the little subheadings help.

pre-canon | eddie & shannon

so ok. consider this:

maybe, as a teenager, eddie is captivated by shannon. she's pretty, and she's so vibrant, and she's interesting to him. he likes talking to her. he likes being around her. they're friends, but his friends, parents, sisters, whoever - they're annoying about him having a friend who's a girl. maybe his friends make suggestive comments and say shit, and maybe his parents start to ask questions, and maybe adriana is like, “oooh, eddie and shannon,” in that annoying (affectionate) way only little siblings can achieve. and at first he's irritated, but then he starts to overthink and wonder. “do i actually like-like her? well, what does that even mean? what does that feel like?”

and maybe he asks his parents or abuela, and they feed him lines that can basically double as a description for friendship: "someone you want to be close to, someone you can talk to, someone you can be yourself around, someone you like to spend time with." (entirely possible that the list would be different for people raised as cis dudes, idk actually, but this is what i grew up hearing.) and what if eddie takes this and thinks, “well...i guess i do feel like that about shannon?” and then maybe they touch a little more—they hold hands, they hug—and one day, she kisses him, and he's like, “well ok this is nice, i guess,” and he does like affection, his dad has always wanted him to be tough but he misses being little when abuela would pull him into her lap, and when it was ok to ask for hugs, and when his mom would kiss him on the forehead before he went to bed.

so he kisses shannon back, and that's just like something they do now? and he rolls with it. and he does care about her and he does love her but he just...? he just doesn't know what it feels like to be In Love. but that's ok, because he's still young, and this doesn't have to be forever, and maybe it's too soon to know anyway. he has fun with her. he likes being around her. and isn't that more important than knowing for sure whether or not he's in love with her?

and eventually they start having sex (obviously because, as we know, christopher exists), and, again, it's...ok? it's not the worst thing in the world, and he’s always heard that the first few times aren’t great, but he really just thinks it's overhyped and he'd rather, like, sit and listen to music with her and talk or something. but again, it's Something People Do, so he does it.

and then, you know, she's pregnant, and he panics, and they get married because he feels like they have to, and maybe it's actually almost a relief. because now he doesn't have to overthink whether or not he's in love with her, because that doesn’t matter anymore. they're getting married regardless. they're having a child regardless.

anyway, i know this isn't necessarily a groundbreaking interpretation of their relationship; i think this is probably how a lot of the fandom would interpret them (although i do tend to live in a little echo chamber, so i could be wrong). and i think this interpretation usually paves the way for gay eddie, sometimes demi/ace eddie. and that's totally valid!!! i love a gay eddie fic!! i am SO grateful for the abundance of ace eddie in the fandom!!

but lately i've been having a fun time looking at this and thinking about an arospec and/or aroace autistic eddie who falls into a relationship with shannon because it feels like an unspoken rule, a logical next step, something that others want for and expect from him. a tactile eddie who wants physical affection in ways that aren't socially acceptable for him to get anywhere else, and because he's not really sure what love in a romantic sense is supposed to feel like anyway, but he likes spending time with her, so why not? a quietly rebellious eddie who has sex because he is sorta curious, and his parents wouldn’t approve, and his friends are doing it, and people generally seem to enjoy it, and he tries it, and he's just like, “hm. whelp. that was that i guess.” an eddie who is not all that great at interoception?? who is not entirely sure how to interpret feelings in the first place??

season 2 | eddie & shannon 2.0

ok, so this is also well-established: we all know that when shannon comes back, eddie isn't thinking about what he wants. or, like, he is ostensibly, but he's thinking about what he wants for chris. he wants chris to have his mom around. he wants to "be a family" (god forgive him he knows not what he says, he knows not of the amatonormativity in which literally everything is steeped). yeah, he falls back into hooking up with her and then some sort of weird tentative relationship, but like: patterns of behavior. masking. once you Are a certain way with someone, it can be hard to Not be that way with them.

and i can't remember how much of this is canonically established or fanon embellishment, but there's the element of eddie feeling some sort of obligation (shannon is still technically his wife, maybe he owes it to her, to chris, to try again?) and searching for some form of absolution? (yeah, shannon is the one who left most recently and most permanently, but he left first, he made the first cracks, and maybe if he can make it work this time, he can forgive himself?)(<- i do not personally think this about him myself but it is something i can see eddie's gorgeous little traumatized season 2 brain coming up with.)

there’s also an argument to be made that maybe he thinks it would be easier for other reasons, too. like, yeah, it would be so much easier to have a household with two adults. it would be so much easier to have more childcare options for chris, less questions from places like chris's school, someone else to help with managing things like grocery shopping and making dinner and running errands and laundry (i swear to god i'm not listing these things because they're like "women's work" and shannon's a woman, it's just those are the things i fucking struggle with so they're at the top of my mind). they'd be a fucking dual income household. like. that shit would be LIFE CHANGING.

(are these things i've thought a lot about in relation to being autistic and aro…who can say…who can say.......)

seasons 4-5a | eddie & ana

i mean. i think this is also self-explanatory at this point, and eddieana has been dissected to shreds. i'll just say that pretty much every piece of evidence for gay eddie in this scenario could also apply to arospec (and aroace) eddie. (and it's not like he can’t be, like, gay ace, but we all know when fandom talks about gay eddie, it’s usually gay allo eddie. and i’m NOT AGAINST that (really, i love all queer eddie headcanons, they're SO SPECIAL), but. you know. it's like this post.)

ok, wait, no. i’ll say a little more. consider this:

maybe eddie was so weird around ana because the way he masked around her was, like, a little stiff and overly formal; partly because the first time he met her it was at a parent/teacher conference, and partly he was trying to perform the role of Good Date/Boyfriend, and then she ended up in his house and around his kid (outside of the classroom context) sooner than he originally planned, putting him in the awkward position of, "fuck, how do i be at-home-with-christopher-me and also trying-to-date-ana me?"

or maybe he just didn't know her well enough to have that basis of friendship he had with shannon (remember i'm extrapolating here, i don't think we know whether or not shannon and eddie were friends first, i think that's just something from the autistic!eddie series of all time that i've integrated into my eddie backstory fanon forever), so he just straight up didn't care about her the same way!! literally just in a “oh, i actually don’t know if i really enjoy this person’s company” way, and then in a “oh we’re not vibing as expected” way. only instead of peacing out once he realizes that, he fucking DOUBLES DOWN.

there's also, of course, the department store panic attack. feeling trapped. trying to convince himself that she is what he wants. that maybe if he stays long enough he'll change his mind. and i know this can all be attributed to MANY things; i'm just saying the entire eddieana arc was really relatable to me, local aroace autistic, who has fallen into Situations not entirely unlike this prior to realizing i am in fact aroace.

season 2-onward | eddie & buck

i don't have TOO much to say here, mostly because i know we all know the buddie moments inside and out, and there are so many beautiful posts that already exist about the depth of their relationship, and i don't really have anything new to contribute.

i guess i just wanted to say regardless of whether or not it's ever a canonized romance, it's SO clear to me that they care SOOOOO deeply for each other and in a way that transcends most people's framework for friendship. and i absolutely do not want to devalue platonic relationships or found family dynamics, because THOSE ARE SOOOO IMPORTANT, but like. okay. chim and hen? platonic soulmates. bobby and buck? father/son dynamic. chim and buck? brothers. hen and athena? besties.

buck and eddie? i look at them and i'm like WELL. it doesn't have to be romantic but it's also definitely not like, "oh yeah we're friends!" or even "we're brothers for life." like. they love each other, and in a different way than the rest of the firefam loves each other. and that's one of my favorite things about them as a ship; even without any elements of romantic or sexual attraction, they'd still like...fight like hell for each other. they're still home for each other. idk. can't think about it too hard otherwise it destroys me but in a good way.

ok that's all. <3

some miscellaneous things that make me giggle

(1) THE WAY EDDIE IS CANONICALLY SOOOOOOOOO DISINTERESTED IN DATING. COULD NOT CARE LESS. WOMEN FLIRTING WITH HIM ON A CALL? ANNOYANCE.* "I HAVE A KID THEY'RE NOT MY TYPE" ??????? SIR????????

*this is really valid, actually, aro or not; like, he's just trying to fucking do his job, please leave him alone!! that said, it also amuses me greatly.

not to fucking mention he's told ana (or maybe ana just inferred?) that there hasn't been anyone else since shannon. which is really interesting and could be interpreted in SO many ways (like...there haven't been any other women, but we all know buck's been there? not to mention the rest of the 118?), but to me, it also sounds like NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN SEEKING PEOPLE OUT AT ALL, regardless of gender. <333

(2) he never so much as LOOKS at maddie. granted, she’s almost immediately paired up with chim, and she's buck's sister but?? jennifer love hewitt is GORGEOUS. i am Looking i am Looking so hard and with no particular motive other than to admire because, you know, ace. but i'm just saying.

(3) he's soooooo embarrassed and constantly trying to downplay his relationship with ana in front of other people. like, the man does NOT WANT HER in the firehouse, he does NOT WANT HER around the 118. RELATABLE!! JUST SAYING!!

people start giving him a hard time about going to the christening because that means "it's getting serious" and he shuts that shit down immediately. "it's not that serious." PLEASE. PLEASE.

(that was fucking hilarious to me by the way because like. straight up denial. that IS serious, eddie, i'm sorry, but you are going to CHURCH with that LATINA AND HER ENTIRE FAMILY AND THEN TO A PARTY AFTERWARDS PROBABLY.)

in conclusion...

i guess i just feel really soft about the idea of characters who did things because they were doing what they thought they "should" do, and/or they didn't realize there were other options, and/or they didn't realize what they were feeling wasn't what other people feel. and i also feel really soft about people having ace and/or aro realizations, especially after struggling through a few relationships and feeling shitty and confused. AND i also feel really soft about eddie diaz.

💚💚💚💚💚

#aro eddie diaz #arospec eddie diaz #aroace eddie diaz #autistic eddie diaz #911 fox #aromantic #aro tag #leo.txt #this is once again ridiculously long and the thing is i actually tried to condense it. it WAS LONGER. sorry.

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watchmegetobsessed · 4 years ago

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Hey Angel - Harry Styles

a/n: since i had so much time on my hand at work lately (not anymore unfortunately) i used it wisely and cooked up this PA themed fic bc i absolutely love this trope. it’s lengthy and kinda emotional? kinda, lol. hope you’ll like it and as always, feedback is much appreciated!!

warning: sexual content

word count: 11.5k

masterlist

Harry likes to pretend he is tall enough to comfortably rest his chin on the top of your head when he stands behind you, but that’s not true. He has to push himself a little to his tippy toes and push you down at the same time to fit his chin above you, his arms weighing down on your shoulders. You stopped arguing him that you need to push your hips forward when he does this so you don’t carry his whole weight.

“Tha’s rude, you do not have to do tha’!” he defended himself every time you brought up, so you just stopped.

Now as you watch the game of air hockey unfold in front of you, a half empty pint in your hand, you don’t even budge when you feel a chiseled chin resting on the top of your head, you push your hips forward without a second thought to shorten your height. You catch a glimpse of a tattooed forearm on your shoulder, Harry’s chest presses against your back gently.

He doesn’t stay in this position too long, it’s making it hard to drink so soon enough, he wraps his left arm around your shoulders, coming to stand next to you, sipping on his tequila on the rocks.

“Hey you,” you smile at him as he gives you a side look, a boyish smirk tugging on his pink lips. “Everything alright?”

“Everything is fine.”

“You need something? How much have you had to drink?” you ask furrowing your eyebrows, looking down at his glass that was certainly full when you last saw him about ten minutes ago.

“Shush, stop pretending like you’re working,” he waves at your face, his words melting together, definitely thanks to the alcohol he has consumed tonight.

“I know I’m not working, I’m just tryna’ be your friend and look out for you.” Bringing your own drink up to your lips, you give him a look, but he just smirks at you playfully.

“Uh-huh, whatever. Don’t worry about me.”

“I always worry about you, H,” you sigh dramatically and it makes him laugh with his head falling back.

“Is this the part where you tell me I’m some spoiled brat celebrity you ‘ave to babysit for your living? And that I always do ridiculous shit so you ‘ave to keep an eye on me at all times?”

You can’t push your smile down at how far this statement is from reality. You just like to tease him about being a typical, asshole rockstar when he is literally your favorite person in the world without a doubt.

“Oh Angel, you can’t fool me,” he cackles, squeezing you to his side before taking another sip from his drink.

“Wouldn’t even try to,” you mumble with an amused smile. “Havin’ fun, birthday boy?” you ask, leaning into his side. You would never admit, but you love how touchy Harry can get sometimes, not really caring about physical boundaries, especially when he drinks. The hugs, the squeezes, the touches, they always make your heart flutter even after knowing him for years.

“I’m havin’ a blast. What about you?”

“What about me? It’s not my birthday,” you chuckle shortly.

“So what? I can’t make sure you’re enjoying your night?” he frowns at you dramatically that just makes you laugh.

“I’m having a great night. It’s just that my boss keeps coming after me even though I’m supposed to be off the clock.”

You peek up at him to see the grin on his face at your teasing. The dynamic between the two of you has been like this since day one. The constant bickering and teasing is what really brought the two of you close, you are so similar, it’s like you can see a male version of yourself when you look at him.

“Tell the dude to fuck off,” he mumbles into his drink and you bump your hip against him, but he just holds you tight to his side as an answer.

Soon enough, Harry joins the game and you watch him play from the side, obviously cheering on his opponent to annoy him, earning some pretty dirty looks from him whenever they score against him and you let out a “woho!” in victory.

“Y’know, it’s not too nice to cheer against the birthday boy, is it?” he calls you out when the table is taken by someone else and he joins you at the side again.

“Am I not allowed to choose who I want to cheer to?” you ask with a faked puzzled look and he presses his lips into a thin line, glaring down at you intently.

“Don’t test me, Angel,” he grumbles into your ear before walking off to join his friends who came out to celebrate with him today.

It’s a pretty lowkey celebration, since he is still in the middle of filming Don’t Worry Darling, so he couldn’t really travel far from the set, but some of his dearest friends were able to come here and celebrate with him and his cast members.

You stand at the bar and your eyes find him every time you scan the place, not able to keep your gaze away from him for too long, he just demands the attention. Or at least yours.

You’ve never met anyone like him. When you got the chance to be his personal assistant four years ago at the very beginning of his solo career, you never thought how he’ll move right into your heart and never leave it. Whether you look at him as your boss or your friend, you can’t deny that he changed your life and you’ve learned so much from him, you can only hope he thinks of you somewhat the same. However you always tell yourself: what could you possibly give for The Harry Styles? He has everything in the whole wide world.

Harry catches you staring and he arches a brow at you, abandoning the conversation he has been in for the past minutes, mouthing you “what’s up, Angel”, his accent thick even without hearing his voice.

He’s been calling you Angel for longer than you can remember. When you asked him why the nickname, he said it’s because One Direction’s song Hey Angel was written about you. It was a fat lie, you haven’t met him when the song was written, but his words still tightened your chest, playing with the thought of Harry writing a song about you.

As cheesy and cliché as it is, you fell for him faster than you’d like to admit. You tried to fight it for a while, convince yourself it’s just a silly crush, but you soon had to realize you outgrew that after the first few weeks working with him. How could you not fall for him? He is everything any woman could wish for and he has you wrapped around his fingers, just like he has half the female population, probably.

You shake your head in his way, not sure how to tell him you just got lost in your thoughts about him. In fact, he occupies your mind pretty much all the time, but he doesn’t have to know about that.

He excuses himself from the table and walks up to you, a slow breath leaving your nose as you watch him approach you.

“Tired?” he asks, stopping in front of you, placing his empty glass to the counter.

“Kinda,” you nod.

“Want to head home soon?”

“Don’t worry about me. I can just call a taxi and go home, you don’t have to come.”

“Don’t be silly, we go to the same place, obviously we’re gonna go home together.”

Since filming has started, Harry and you’ve been sharing a nice apartment near the set. It was his idea to rent a place for the two of you, rather than to stay at a hotel. At first you didn’t think it would be a good idea, but of course, he convinced you to live with him for the months while the movie is being filmed. So now you basically live with Harry, share pretty much all your living space with him, except your bedroom.

“But it’s your birthday, stay as long as you want,” you tell him, not wanting to snatch him away from his friends on his big day.

“We’re filming in the afternoon tomorrow, can’t drag the night too long either way,” he shrugs, trying to make you believe it’s really nothing.

No matter how badly you try to convince him to stay, he doesn’t bulge and starts saying goodbye within an hour, calling the two of you a car to take you home. He is clearly tipsy, but not drunk. Once you’re in the car, Harry’s hand finds yours and he pulls you closer in the backseat until your thighs are pressed together. He curls an arm around your shoulders, holding you tight to his side, sinking down in the seat. You let your head rest on his shoulder, enjoying the closeness of his body, pressing down any worrying thought that usually makes its way to your mind every time Harry gets a little cozier than the usual.

The rational side of your brain knows you should be keeping some distance from him for the sake of your own sanity and emotional health, but you just can’t. Denying these little moments from yourself would be like pure torture and your heart can’t take that for sure.

“What are you thinkin’ about?” he murmurs, his nose nuzzling into your hair and you just shrug your shoulders.

“Nothing,” you mumble your lie.

“Liar, I can hear the gears turning in that pretty head of yours,” he grins down at you as your eyes lock for a moment. Thank God for the darkness in the car, because you can feel your cheeks heating up. The last thing you need is for Harry to see how nervous he can make you feel with just a simple compliment.

“Stop being nosy, you don’t have to know everything all the time.” You poke his side with your elbow, it makes him jump a little before he snuggles back to your side.

“That’s not true, you know I’m entitled to hold every knowledge in the world.” He tries to hide his smirk, but he fails miserably and you just laugh at him with your head falling back to his shoulder.

“Harry Styles, you are something else,” you sigh shaking your head at him.

Arriving home Harry keeps an arm around you as you walk up to the front door, fishing your keys out of your bag since you’d bet Harry didn’t bring his. There’s a chance he hasn’t even used his copy since you’ve been here, he knows you always have yours and you haven’t really left without each other so far, always staying around the other.

“Want to shower first?” he hums, walking inside, his arm leaving your shoulders and though you feel lighter without the extra weight, you wish it was still there.

“Go for it, I’m gonna clean up the mess I made when I got ready earlier,” you tell him, heading into your bedroom where the floor is littered with half your wardrobe from earlier, when you were trying to figure out what to wear for the little outing.

Harry disappears in the shared bathroom and a moment later you hear the water running. You go around your room, picking up the dresses you voted against, placing them back into the wardrobe and then you put away your makeup you left on your bed in your hurry.

“Bathroom is yours!” Harry calls out just when you finish, you hear his bedroom door open and close so you grab a clean oversized t-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts before occupying the bathroom.

The warm shower feels nice, it’s been a long day since you started on set, Harry had a few scenes to film before you could leave in the afternoon. You wash away the day, scrub your makeup off and then take off the rest with your wipes once you’re out. You brush your hair and use some lotion for your dry skin before getting dressed and leaving the steamy bathroom.

Padding down the short hallway you hear nothing coming from Harry’s bedroom and you wonder if he’s already asleep, but once you step inside your room you see that he is cozied up on your bed, your covers pulled up to his naked chest, a pillow tucked under his head as he scrolls through his phone so shamelessly, as if it was his own room.

“Did you take the wrong turn in the hallway?” you ask with an arched eyebrow as you throw your dirty clothes to your temporary hamper, which is basically your emptied out suitcase.

“Nope,” he grins smugly, you have to roll your eyes at him. He locks his phone, dropping it to the side table, watching you move around, getting ready for bed and his eyes on your figure feel like they’re burning down on your skin.

“You know, it’s rude to stare,” you comment not even looking at him, but you just know he is still staring at you. Grabbing a hairtie from the little dresses in the corner of your room you reach back to loosely braid your hair, but his voice stops you.

“Wait,” he pleads and you furrow your eyebrows at him. “Can I do it?”

You give him a confused look as he pushes himself up into a sitting position, his green eyes are glimmering from the tiredness and the alcohol he has consumed tonight.

“You want to braid my hair?”

“Yeah,” he nods. You hesitate for a moment but join him on the bed at last, turning your back against him, giving him full control over your hair.

A shiver runs down your spine when you feel his fingers raking through your strands. He is so gentle and careful as you feel him section your hair off to three parts.

“Didn’t know you can braid,” you tell him, eyes fixated on the sheets in front of you.

“Gemma taught me, but I’m not the best at it.”

“So I’ll look atrocious?” you tease him smiling to yourself. He pokes the back of your neck with his fingers before continuing his work.

“You could never look atrocious, even if you tried.”

“And you are such a flirt,” you sigh. Over the years you’ve gotten used to his flirty act, it’s just who he is and though in the beginning your breath always got caught in your throat when he said something cheesy, now you just brush it off, only thinking about his words when you are alone in the night, struggling to fall asleep because you’re once again, thinking about him.

“M’telling the truth. Have I told you how beautiful you looked tonight?”

“Mmm,” you hum. He has told you that you looked pretty when the two of you left and he saw you walk out of your room in your black skinny jeans and flowy sheer top on, your hair loosely curled, but you didn’t really know what to say, so you just smiled at him and it’s the same now. You’re not the best at taking compliments.

“You really did. You always are.”

“And once again, you are such a flirt.”

“Complimenting a pretty woman is being a flirt?” he asks pretending to be offended as he carefully works on your hair and you wish you could see his focused face as he is trying to keep track of the sections between his fingers. At a lack of a witty comeback, you just shrug your shoulders, fumbling with your fingers on your lap.

You both fall silent as he concentrates on your hair and you manage to stop thinking, just focus on how his fingers keep brushing against your back every time he crosses two sections over each other.

“Hairtie, please,” he asks, his hand appearing next to you with his palm upwards. You place it in his hand and he finishes up his masterpiece. “There, it didn’t turn out as bad as I thought,” he comments once he is done. Reaching back you run your fingers over the braid and it feels good, he did a great job.

“Thanks,” you smile at him shyly, turning around. He leans back, making himself comfortable once again and you arch an eyebrow at him. “Need me to walk you back to your room, sir?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine here,” he grins smugly, tugging his arm behind his head as he takes up the right side of the bed.

“You’re planning to sleep here?”

“Please, don’t make me sleep alone on my birthday!” he pouts, giving you those damned puppy eyes. How could you ever say no to him?

“You better not push me off the bed in your sleep,” you mumble before getting under the covers.

You turn off the bedside lamp and the two of you start moving around, finding a comfortable pose to sleep in and you end up facing each other on your sides, Harry’s face squished into the pillow as his eyes are roaming over the hand you have laid between your faces.

His fingers start to inch towards yours until he hooks his pinky with yours, the touch sending a warm feeling down your spine.

“I hate sleeping alone,” he mumbles into the semi-darkness.

“Why?”

“Don’t you like it when there’s someone next to you? When you wake up and you’re not alone?”

“I like it, but I don’t hate sleeping alone either,” you tell him as your eyes fall to your linked pinky fingers. “Why do you hate it? You have the bed all to yourself, and there’s no chance of waking up to someone snoring or talking in their sleep.”

He huffs out a laugh as he buries his head deeper into the pillow.

“It makes me feel lonely. Which is ridiculous, because I’m never alone.”

“But lonely and alone are not the same, so it’s not ridiculous. You can feel lonely when you’re not alone.”

“I know,” he nods, his eyes watching your linked fingers intently, before he moves his hand so it’s now covering yours, his warm palm wrapping around your much smaller hand. “I’m never lonely with you, though.”

“So… you are only lonely when you’re sleeping or in the bathroom, because we basically spend every moment of the day together.” You smirk at him and see his dimple form in his cheek as he smiles at you nodding.

“That’s right. We are like glued together.”

“How aren’t we sick of each other already?”

“That’s never gonna happen.”

“You sure about that?” You raise your eyebrows at him with an amused smile, he is too sure about that answer.

“One hundred percent. You’re my favorite person.”

“Is that what you tell everyone?”

He gives you a look, but you just chuckle, sinking further into your pillow. His fingers start playing with your hand as he draws a deep breath.

“I only tell this to m’ mum and Gemma. No one else.”

Your heart starts racing at the thought of him seeing you on the same level as his closest family. You know how much his mum and sister mean to him, but you never thought you are anywhere near them in his eyes.

“You’re my favorite person too,” you whisper as your eyes meet over your joined hands. He smiles at you warmly, his floppy curls falling into his forehead and you want to run your fingers through them, feel how soft they are under your touch. Harry scoots closer, your faces only a few inches away from each other as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

For a moment you just watch him, thinking how good it feels to have him in your bed. How amazing it is to end the day with him so close to you. You wish all days would end like this, you wouldn’t have another bad day with him next to you.

Lying there and watching him slowly fall asleep, his hand still on yours, the bitter thought eats itself into your mind that he is only here because he feels lonely and wanted to be close to someone, not you particularly. And though you’re glad it’s you he ended up next to, you try not to get too accustomed to the feeling, because you’re just a temporary fix to his loneliness.

The door to Harry’s trailer opens and he walks in wearing his blue dress pants and crispy white dress shirt, fumbling with the top buttons to undo them. You glance up at him from your laptop where you’ve been working on his schedule for the upcoming weeks while he was filming.

“Hey, how did it go?” you ask as he places his water bottle to the vanity and then sits in the chair he spends his mornings in while his hair is being styled and tattoos are covered.

“Good. Messed up only a few times. Whacha’ working on?”

“Just your schedule, I’ll email it to you when I’m done, though you never check it.”

“Hey, I do check it! I like your color coding. I just suck at using it and you’re always here to remind me of the important stuff.”

You roll your eyes, continuing to type away on your keyboard as he moves around, having a snack and texting back people.

“Florence is coming over for a little after we’re done. We can order something,” he speaks up grabbing your attention again.

“Cool,” you nod with a small smile. “Is she staying the night?”

“No, we just thought it would be nice to hang out a little without dressed like this,” he chuckles looking down at himself.

“What’s wrong with Jack’s clothes? You look neat.”

“Do I?” he cocks an eyebrow cheekily, placing his hands to his hips as he looks down at you.

“Yeah. It’s a nice change after all the grandpa clothes,” you tease him and he gasps pretending to be offended at your words, though you both know you have nothing against his style. In fact, you love how he just wears whatever he wants, not caring what others would think.

“Watch your mouth or you can’t wear my bode jacket again,” he warns you holding up his pointing finger, shaking it at you, but you just chuckle at him, finishing up what you’ve been working on before shutting the laptop down.

“How long until you’re done?”

“Just a few more scenes. I think we can leave in about two hours.”

“Alright.”

“You done working?”

“Mhm, for now.”

“Come and watch the filming. You’re always so hidden in here.”

“Because I always have work to do,” you point out, putting the laptop to the side from your lap.

“Yeah, but you’re done now, so come out and watch me be the next Leonardo DiCaprio,” he smugly tells you, and it makes you roll your eyes at him.

“You’re so humble, H. Is something that comes with the age?” you tease him standing up from the small sofa, grabbing your phone from the table.

“You’ll find out in a year,” he smirks back as you follow him out of the trailer, back to the set.

Later that day you, Florence and Harry are chilling back at your apartment, munching on the pizza you ordered, watching some documentary on Netflix, just enjoying a lazy evening. You’ve become quite close with Florence, her personality is a lot like yours so you got along well from the beginning, the three of you often do things together outside of set.

You and Harry are sharing the couch while Florence is curled up on the loveseat. The temperature at the apartment is always nice, but you often catch yourself feeling a little cold in the evening, but it has more to do with the tiredness rather than with the heating of the place. When you pull your legs underneath you to warm your feet, Harry notices the action and knows right away that you’re starting to feel cold as always. Reaching down he grabs a blanket from the basket next to the couch and he wraps an arm around you, pulling you closer to him.

“Come ‘ere,” he mumbles, draping the blanket over the two of you. You shuffle closer to him, making yourself comfortable at his side as he makes sure you’re fully tugged in. Then he leaves an arm around you, his fingers gently grazing your shoulder as he turns his attention back at the movie.

Glancing over at Florence you see the puzzled look on her, but you ignore it biting into your bottom lip, turning back to watch the movie though you’re having a hard time focusing. All you can think about is Harry’s touch on you.

It’s almost midnight when Florence calls herself a taxi. Harry picks up the glasses you used and volunteers to wash them, leaving you and Florence alone in the living room.

“So, what’s up with you and Harry?” she questions right away without beating around the bush.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you two has always been close, but now… it seems all too… couple-like.” She narrows her eyes at you, hands on her hips, looking like a mother questioning her daughter.

“Don’t be silly.”

“I’m not,” she scoffs. Then you pretend to be busy with folding the blanket, but you can feel her intent stare on you before she speaks up again. “You like him, don’t you?”

“What?” you huff with a not too Oscar-worthy expression on your face that was supposed to hide the panic in you. “Well of course I like him, he is my friend and boss.”

“But not just like that. You like like him.”

“Florence,” you sigh, just when Harry walks out of the kitchen, oblivious to the conversation that he just interrupted.

“You sure you don’t want to spend the night?” he politely asks her, but she just shakes her head.

“I’m not really up for spending the night on the couch.”

“You wouldn’t have to, you can sleep in my bed,” he simply offers and something is telling you he shouldn’t open his mouth again.

“You’re not taking the couch because of me.”

“I wouldn’t, I usually sleep at Y/N’s,” he states as if it was nothing, but you instantly freeze.

Yes, ever since his birthday he has spent way more nights in your bed than in his own, always raving to you how well he can sleep when you’re next to him and you couldn’t bear the thought of him feeling lonely, so you’ve been letting him occupy half of your bed through the nights. He usually holds your hand falling asleep and then you wake up tangled together, sometimes he is cuddling you from behind, other times you’re the one curled up to his side. He treats it so casually, like it really is nothing, he just always goes on his day when you wake up so you decided to not make it into a big deal either.

Florence gives you a wide eyed look that you try hard to ignore, while Harry is so oblivious to what he just caused with his statement.

“I uhh—thanks but I’m fine going home. Besides, I think my car is already here. See you guys on set tomorrow. Y/N?” she calls out walking towards the front door.

“Hm?”

“We’ll talk later,” she tells you and it’s a strong message that she won’t just leave it at that.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” you nod awkwardly, waving her goodbye.

You and Harry clean up together and as always, he is the first one to use the bathroom and by the time you’re done, he is in your bed, waiting for you to join him. You don’t comment on his presence anymore, part of you afraid he would stop spending the night in your bed and you definitely don’t want that. Not much is left from filming, meaning that soon you are forced to go home where you and Harry do not live at the same place so you’re gonna have to sleep alone, like you did before. Only now you are way too hooked on the feeling of having him in your bed, even if it’s not in the way you truly want, it’s better than nothing.

The moment you get under the sheets, Harry reaches out and pulls you to his side. He hasn’t done this often when you went to sleep, only sneaking some small touches, but you don’t mind him being a little extra clingy.

“Filming is almost over,” you mumble into his chest, your hand lazily resting where his ribcage ends in his chest.

“Mhm.” There’s a short silence before he speaks up again. “What about it, Angel?”

“It’s just that it’s going to be weird going home. I got used to living here.” It’s your way saying that you’re gonna miss having him around all the time, but you’re not sure if he understands the hint. It doesn’t really matter anyway.

“You like cramped together with me?” he chuckles lowly.

“Was kinda nice,” you smile.

“Remember how you threatened me to throw my shit out if I leave my dirty clothes on the floor?”

“I do,” you smirk, thinking back to the conversation where you agreed to live with him while he is filming. “Didn’t find any clothes on the floor, so you get an A for that.”

“Wow, was this… a compliment?”

“Shut up, I always compliment you!” you laugh smacking his chest gently.

“Oh, no. You don’t compliment, you just tell me when I managed not to fuck something up,” he corrects you and your cheeks are heating up about how well he knows you.

“Those are compliments in my book, don’t be greedy.”

“M’not. I love how grounded you keep me with treating me like this.”

“Like what?” you ask furrowing your eyebrows.

“Like a normal person. With you, I don’t have to be afraid that I earn something because of who I am. You give no shit about my name, you always keep me in check and I appreciate that.”

“Can’t let you have a too big of a head,” you smirk, closing your eyes. He laughs with you, squeezing you a little before you both fall into silence, drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms.

You’ve managed to avoid Florence in the past few days. Her burning look has been making you way too nervous, you know she wants to know more about what’s going on between you and Harry, but truth to be told, you have no idea what to tell her.

Yeah, I’m definitely in love with him and we’ve been sharing a bed for a few weeks because he feels lonely alone at night, so he uses me to ease the feeling while I just let him because as I said, I’m in love with the man.

No, you can’t tell her that.

Now there’s only two days left from filming, meaning that only two more nights to spend with Harry and it’s making you a nervous wreck to think about sleeping alone in your bedroom.

You round the corner in the maze of the trailers after a phone call you had with Jeff when you run out of luck and bump right into Florence.

“I’ve been looking for you, Y/N. Come have lunch with me in my trailer,” she smiles sweetly, grabbing you by your hand so you can’t escape her this time.

“Oh I wanted to call—“

“Do it later,” she simply cuts you off.

Soon, you find yourself in her trailer as she eats her burger while she eyes you with suspicion.

“So, you and Harry sleep together?”

“Well, not like that. We really just sleep in the same bed.”

“Oh, makes perfect sense, sleeping in the same bed as your boss. Very casual.”

“Don’t make it sound so weird,” you frown at her words. You definitely don’t see Harry as your boss. You do work for him, but it never felt like he stands anywhere above you, the two of you have always been equal even before you became close friends.

“You gotta admit it’s pretty unusual,” she points out and you just look away from her. “So let’s talk about how you’re in love with him.”

“What? I never said that!” you protest, but she just gives you a look that says ‘cut the crap, girl’ and you know there’s no use to try to trick her, she sees right through you. “Don’t fucking look at me like that, I have enough shit on my plate without your judgment.”

“Oh, I’m not judging you. I’m just wondering why you two are not together already.”

You practically snort at her statement, finding it quite absurd and ridiculous.

“What? You two are perfect for each other and I’m pretty sure Harry loves you too.”

“Yeah, as a friend.”

“That’s not how friends act, Y/N. He wouldn’t beg himself into your bed every night if he was just your friend.”

“He is just lonely. He doesn’t need me, just someone to be with him.”

“That’s bullshit,” she scoffs. “You two are just being idiots.” Just as you are about to answer, your phone starts ringing. Harry’s smiley face appears on the screen, making you extremely nervous because of the conversation you are having with Florence.

“Hey,” you breathe out answering the call.

“Hey, where are you?”

“Just, talking with Florence. What’s up?”

“I got an email from Jeff and I have some questions.”

“I’ll be there in a sec.”

“Thank you Angel,” he hums before ending the call.

“I gotta go. Please don’t… bring any of this up for Harry,” you ask Florence, heading to the exit.

“You’ve gotta sort your shit out. This is not ideal, Y/N.”

“I know it,” you growl under your breath, leaving the trailer. You chew on your bottom lip nervously as you march back to Harry’s trailer. You feel so confused and anxious about this whole situation and the worst thing is that you have no idea what to do about it. Telling him how you feel seems like a stupid idea, but mostly because you’re terrified of rejection. What if it all meant nothing to him? If you were right and he is just lonely and uses you to help himself, it has nothing to do with you. You wouldn’t survive the heartbreak it would give you if he told you he doesn’t see you more than just a friend.

As you walk into his trailer he is sitting on the sofa with his phone in his hands. He glances up at you, a warm smile tugging on his lips as you take a deep breath, feeling very much out of place suddenly. Unfortunately, he immediately senses your discomfort.

“Everything alright, Angel?”

Angel. This nickname could make your knees go weak in a heartbeat and you hate how much effect it has on you. Especially in this state of mind you’re currently in.

“I just…” You shake your head shutting your eyes. “Why do you keep calling me that?” you ask, sounding way more desperate than you intended to. Harry puts his phone aside, looking a little puzzled at your sudden weird act, but he seems more worried for you.

“I, uhh—“

“And don’t tell me it’s because Hey Angel is about me. We didn’t know each other back then.”

You have no idea where this is coming from or why you even questioned him about it all of a sudden, but Florence just totally threw you off with what she just said. Harry stares back at you, probably vigorously looking for the reason why you are acting up now, but luckily, he doesn’t try to turn it into a joke as always.

“I call you Angel, because you remind me of the song. It wasn’t written about you, but the lyrics match up with… you.”

“What?” you ask in confusion.

“I wish I could be more like you, do you wish you could be more like me?” he quotes the song, not singing the words, simply just talking them as he stares back at you. “I see you at the bar, at the edge of my bed, backseat of my car, in the back of my head,” he continues and you feel your throat doing dry just from the way he softly speaks, standing only a few feet away from you. “I come alive when I hear your voice, it’s a beautiful sound, it’s a beautiful noise.”

You never really gave it another thought, but now that he has told you this, it hit you hard in the chest. You weren’t expecting, especially because those lines are rather meaningful, to you at least.

“I thought of it once not long after we first met and thought calling you Angel would suit you. Do you mind it? I can just… stop calling you that if you don’t like it.”

You shake your head. You never want him to stop calling you that even if it’s not that meaningful for him. If it’s just some game. It’s great to know that something reminded him of you.

“No, it’s… it’s alright.” Your voice is small, barely more than just a whisper. It’s a little too much at once. Florence’s words are still stuck in your head, and what he just said has felt like he just gripped your heart even if he doesn’t know.

You take a shaky breath, forcing yourself to come back from this hazy state of mind.

“So, what about that email?”

“You alright?” Reaching forward he takes your hand and you try not to flinch at his touch, just smile at him nodding.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” He squeezes your hand before dropping it and he luckily doesn’t ask any more questions.

You stay oddly quiet for the rest of the day and Harry surely knows something is wrong, but he respects you enough not to bug you about it any longer. He just stays close to you as much as he can, trying his best to take your mind off of whatever keeps you occupied.

On the way home you and Harry drop by a supermarket, buy some quick dinner, not wanting to stack the fridge when you’re leaving so soon. Then you sit in the living room, eating and watching some random movie that’s on TV. You snuggle to his side on the couch naturally, he doesn’t even have to pull you close this time. The thought of having left only one more night in the apartment makes you want to sue every little moment you have left in this bubble.

Harry makes you have a shower first tonight and when you come out from the bathroom, your bed is already nicely made, inviting you warmly. He is quick to finish with his shower and joins you in bed barely five minutes later. You move towards each other instantly, his arms curling around your form soothingly as you make yourself comfortable, melted into his embrace. You feel his lips pressing against your forehead and you almost start crying at the small action.

“Angel, I don’t know what has upset you, but I’m here for you, alright? You’re not alone,” he murmurs softly.

“I know,” you whisper. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me. I would do anything for you, just like you do so much for me. You’ve got me.”

I wish, you think to yourself. You have him, but not the way you’ve been desiring. His hand moves to cup your face as he lifts your head so you are looking into his eyes in the darkened room, but there’s enough light coming through the window that you see his features. He runs his thumb across your cheek, gently caressing your skin and everywhere he touches you, it feels like your body is in flames. This something has been building up inside you and now you’re not sure how long you’ll be able to control yourself. And just as you think about how you really should put some distance between the two of you so you won’t regret it later, the unexpected happens.

Harry pulls you up just enough so when he moves his head he is able to place his lips on yours, kissing you out of the blue. His lips feel so soft, so fitting on your mouth, you let out a whimper when he goes further than just a gentle kiss, taking your bottom lip between his properly. It’s an out of world experience, you’ve imagined it so many times, but you never thought it would actually happen and now that it is very much happening, your whole mind goes blank and for a split second… everything feels right. You kiss him back with fever and with each passing moment the kiss grows more passionate and way hungrier than how it started. Harry’s arm tightens around you, almost pulling you on top of him and you can’t make yourself stop, not that you want to.

With a little force, Harry pushes the two of you around so now you’re lying on the mattress and he holds himself up above you, his lips never disconnecting from yours. He licks into your mouth, pulling and tugging on your lips, making your whole body go weak just for him.

But then, as if reality hit you in the head, you realize what’s happening.

“Harry,” you gasp pulling back, gasping for air. “This—We…”

“Angel, let me take care of you. Please,” he begs out of breath.

“What…”

“I want to make you feel good. I want to take care of you, please let me.” He sounds so desperate, like he would do anything for this and you are not strong enough to deny it from him.

It’s just his pity. He’s been using you for his needs, now he wants to give some back, it’s nothing more, you think to yourself. It can’t be more.

You lack the willpower to make a rational decision, so as you stare up into his eyes that appear so dark due to the lack of proper lighting, you just nod before he leans down and kisses you again.

He holds himself up on one arm while his free hand wanders down your body, touching you at places you have never felt him before. He palms your left breast, squeezing it gently and it makes you moan into his mouth before his hand moves down the curve of your waist until it reaches your sleeping shorts. Your body is burning for him and you can’t stop it from reacting to everything he does. You buckle your hips up when you feel his fingers gently graze along your pubic bone, even though you’re still fully clothed.

“What do you want me to do, Angel? I’ll do anything you want me to,” he pants between kisses as his hand moves to cup your heated core, making you moan again from the sensation of his touch there.

“I need you,” is all you manage to get out.

“I’m right here. You got me. What do you want me to do? Please, tell me, Angel,” he whines, forehead pressed against yours and his hips fall, pressing against your thigh, making you realize how excited he has gotten. His erection is hard under the fabric of his boxers, almost aching to be freed. There’s no way you can take any teasing or a long foreplay. You need him inside you now before you burst.

“Harry, I need you inside me. Please,” you whimper, almost cry, before he kisses you again, hard and demanding as he simply pushes your shorts down, revealing your naked sex since you don’t wear any underwear to bed. You grab the waistband of his boxers too and push it down until he can wiggle his legs out of them, leaving him completely naked in your bed while you still have a top covering your upper body, however he is quick to change that. He grabs the hem and starts pulling it off, your hands helping him so a few moments later you’re completely naked underneath him.

“Fuck, Angel,” he breathes out, his perfect, pink lips attacking the side of your throat, kissing and nibbling on the skin, going down to your breasts, giving the same amount of attention to both while you turn into jelly under his touch. lacing your fingers through his hair you cry out his name as you can feel him leaving a mark on your left breast, his tongue swirling against the spot he just completely destroyed before he brings himself back up so he can kiss you again and again with so much hunger, it’s hard to tell where you end and where he starts. Everything melts together and you’re such a mess in every possible way.

His hand gently reaches down between your legs and parts your shaking thighs before he cups you drenched pussy, his middle finger sliding between your folds, a shameless moan slipping from your mouth, right into his as your lips are still attached.

“So wet, I can’t wait to make you feel good, baby. Let me make you feel good.”

“Harry, just… please,” you pant, surely feeling yourself lose the last bits of your nerves.

“D’you have a condom?” he asks, head lifting up a bit so he can look into your eyes.

“I-In my, um, the makeup bag,” you try to explain gesturing towards your dresser where your makeup bag sits on top, two condoms somewhere inside it. Harry pecks your lips before pulling away from you, the lack of his weight on top of you making you shiver.

He digs into the bag until he finds what he’s been looking for, tearing the packaging open with his teeth and he rolls it on while he walks back, not wasting another moment. You cling onto him like a koala bear once he is back in bed, his massive body covering you again.

“Just tell me how you like it, I’ll do anything,” he mumbles against your shivering lips as he pushes the head in first, stopping for a second before the rest of his cock buries inside you, completely taking your breath away. He is bigger than anyone you’ve ever been with, filling up every inch of you, your walls stretching around him as he stills once he is all the way inside you.

This is it. This is the moment you’ve imagined oh so many times, feeling him the closest possible, his cock buried inside you, his cheek pressed against yours as he holds himself up on top of you. Years of yearning and endless nights when you imagined your hand was his… and now it’s your reality. And though you know it’s gonna change everything, you can’t tell yourself to stop.

Harry lifts his head, pecking your lips gently, calling you Angel over and over again as he starts moving, the friction between your legs growing with each thrust. He fits inside you so well, you won’t be able to enjoy sex with anyone else now that you’ve experienced it with Harry. All of a sudden, he has become the epitome of your whole life.

“Tell me what you want, Angel. Do you want me to go slow or fast? Tell me how to make you feel good.” His lips brush against yours with each word while you’re just trying to catch your breath, fingers digging into his back, the euphoria building up inside you gradually.

“A little faster,” you breathe out, speaking feels like a hard task at the moment. Harry picks his pace up, finding just the right rhythm that makes you wrap your legs around his waist so he can go even deeper with each thrust he makes.

“Look at me, Angel. Let me see your eyes,” he begs, his hand cupping your cheek. He runs his thumb along the line of your lower lip before he takes it between his lips, tugging on it gently, kissing you like you’re his last breath on Earth. He is devouring you, body melts together with yours, all your senses are strictly focused on him. He is all you see, hear, feel and taste.

Your gaze meets his and the way he looks at you, like you’re his whole entire world, it makes your eyes tear up. You want it to be true, you want it to be reality, you want it to be more than just about needs and satisfaction, but it’s not and your consciousness is not letting you believe otherwise.

“Oh Angel,” he softly hums, wiping away a tear that escaped the corner of your eye and ran down the side of your face. Keeping up his rhythm he kisses along your jawline, your cheek, your lips, the side of your face, the bridge of your nose, everywhere he can before returning to your lips with a hungry, passion filled kiss.

“Harry…” you whimper, holding your thighs tighter around his waist as you feel yourself nearing the edge.

“Let it go for me, Angel. I wanna see you feel good, cum for me,” he tells you, eyes never leaving yours as you are ready to burst underneath him.

“Harry, I-I need you!” The words fall from your lips as a desperate beg, arms wrapping around his torso tight, as if he could disappear from your embrace any moment.

“I’m right here, Angel. Right here,” he soothes you, kissing your lips sweetly as proof that he is not just a trick your mind is playing on you. “Are you close, baby? Are you gonna cum for me?”

“Yes! Yes!” you pant, losing control over your body and all your senses. It’s gonna be intense, you can tell and it hasn’t even started yet, you just know it’ll shake you to the core.

“Good girl. Let me make you feel good.” “So good,” you breathe out before Harry occupies your lips with his once again.

It doesn’t take long. He keeps thrusting in the perfect angle and it throws you right over the edge. Harry demands you look him in the eyes when your orgasm wash you over and the intensity of it all almost makes you cry again. You burst, lose yourself under him, screaming his name as if you were praying to all higher forces. In a way, you are, because for a moment you really think you completely vanish from this world.

Harry follows you just a few more thrusts later, falling out of his rhythm as he grunts and moans your name, face buried into the crook of your neck while you tug on his hair, the feeling of his soft locks between your fingers is like pure heaven.

He stills, but stays inside you as he looks up, his eyes filled with satisfaction and contentment as he cups your face again, kissing you long, taking his time with you.

As you come off your high and the clouds of euphoria clears off, reality sets in more painfully than ever. Your limbs are paralyzed and you feel like you are outside your own body, just watching everything happen as if you were a third person in the room. Harry rolls to the side, chest heaving wildly as he is trying to regulate himself. Once he is able to breathe without panting, he pecks your shoulder gently and makes a quick round to the bathroom. You hear water running and then his feet padding on the floor, but you can’t bring yourself to move, you just lie there, completely drained out. It doesn’t change even when Harry gently cleans you off with a damp washing cloth, throwing it to the side to take care of it in the morning. He pulls the covers over the two of you and scoops you into his arms. You manage to bring your arm up to his chest as your head rests on his shoulder. His fingers are dancing up and down your arm, his steady breathing keeping your overcrowded head grounded. And then… he starts singing so softly, it’s almost just a whisper.

“Hey Angel, oh, I wish I could be more like you. Do you wish you could be more like me?”

Your eyes shut close, the damn tears flooding again, but you keep your sobs drowned in your throat. Instead you force yourself to sleep and hope you live to see the morning, because you feel like your heart is about to give up on you.

When you wake up, you genuinely feel like you’ve drunk through last night and now have the worst hangover. It’s like you’ve been hit on the head with a chair. You slowly come to your senses and realize that you’re completely naked in bed and there’s a body curled to your side, equally naked.

The shock sets in first because you realize, once again, that what happened last night wasn’t just a fever dream, it actually happened. And then you basically jump out of bed when you look at the small digital clock on the bedside and see that the two of you have ten minutes to leave if you don’t want to be late to the last day of filming.

“Harry! Harry get up!” you smack him, kicking the covers off and grabbing your top and shorts from the floor, quickly putting them on. The man in talk growls, just rolling to his back without even opening his eyes. “Harry damn it! We have ten minutes or you’ll be late!” you snap at him and it somewhat wakes him up. With furrowed eyebrows at puckered lips, he lifts his head up and looks around.

Those lips were kissing you last night.

“What?” he mumbles in confusion.

“We overslept, get up. We have… eight minutes left.”

“Shit,” he mumbles under his breath, finally getting out of bed, reaching for his boxers.

It’s a shitshow as the two of you try to get ready on time and though you are running just a few minutes late, the driver of the taxi manages to speed down the streets fast enough that you arrive to set just in time.

During the whole ride, you feel Harry’s burning eyes on you, but thank God, you get a call from Jeffrey the moment you get into the car and it lasts the whole ride so you don’t have to talk with him about what happened last night.

“Y/N,” he tries when you’re still on the phone and he is already done with hair and makeup, heading to set to start filming.

“What?” you mouth at him.

“Can we talk later?”

“I’m busy. Go, I’m sure they are waiting for you,” you whisper to him and he looks so disappointed, but he nods and walks away. Your heart breaks as you lower the phone. You have been out of the call for some time, just didn’t want to talk to him.

Quite frankly, you’re not ready to talk to him about what happened last night. You don’t want to hear him say that he was just trying to help you out last night, that it wasn’t anything serious, just some messing around. It was just two people trying not to feel lonely.

Walking back into his trailer you can feel your chest tightening, a sharp pain shooting right into your heart the more you think about him. It was a mistake, you shouldn’t have done it because you are the one with the feelings and now you are the one struggling with the consequences of your little get together.

The more you think about it, the worse it gets and you feel like you’re about to suffocate. You need to get out of here, there’s no way you can face him now.

It all happens so fast. Before you can even second guess your decision, you’re on your way back to the apartment to pack all your stuff and get on the first flight back home. You need to put distance between you and him, spending one more night in the same apartment would make you go nuts. So while Harry is filming, completely oblivious to what you’re doing, you pack up your room as fast as possible and head to the airport to hop on the plane that leaves at four pm.

With a racing heart you check all your baggage in and make it through security when Harry first calls you. At first, you want to ignore it, but then you find yourself swiping your thumb across the screen.

“Hey,” you shortly greet him.

“Hey, where are you? Have been looking for you everywhere.” “I um… I’m at the airport,” you answer and the silence on the other end is deafening for a moment.

“You are at the what?” he then snaps.

“I had a, um, kind of emergency, so I’m heading back home now. Sorry, I would have called you, but didn’t know when you’d be off set.”

“You fucking packed and left already? You’re really at the airport?” He is fuming, Raging. You can tell he is pacing in the trailer, vigorously running his fingers through his hair, ruining it without a care. You almost feel guilty, but then again, you just know facing him now would break you. You’ll get back to him when you’ve pulled your shit together.

“I am, calm down, alright? Not a big deal.” “You just left on our last day here without a fucking word! And when am I seeing you again?”

“I, uhh—I need to be home for a while, but you’ll be fine. I’ll stay in touch with you in email and text.”

“Fucking text? Email?” he is barking now. Good thing you are not there because it would be a disaster. “Y/N, you can’t be serious. We-we were supposed to talk. You can’t just fucking disappear like this.”

“We’ll talk, alright?”

“When?”

“Later,” you simply tell him at a loss for a better answer. Hopefully, never, you think to yourself, but don’t say it out loud.

“Okay, you’re not doing this. Don’t you dare get on a plane, I’m going to the airport right now. You’re not leaving.”

“Well, I am and you’re not coming here,” you clap back, but you can already hear him moving around, probably gathering his stuff so he can leave right away.

“Swear to God if you get on that plane, I’m—“ He cuts himself off, no idea what to really say and you just sigh, closing your eyes. People rush by you and as you glance at the big screen you see that your plane is boarding.

“Harry, just… it’ll be better like this, alright? You’ll be fine, I’ll see you… when I see you. Have fun on your last day on set.”

You end the call before he could get another word out and put it on airplane mode right away as you grab your backpack and head to your gate.

Using your time on the plane wisely, you put together a very detailed schedule for Harry so he knows everything about his next few weeks and you can minimize your contact with him. You even set up a bunch of reminders in his calendar so he won’t miss his appointments.

When you set feet on the ground again, you expect the distance between you and Harry to feel comforting and freeing, but it’s the opposite. An ache in your chest is getting heavier as you get yourself a taxi and head home, feeling more alone than ever in your life.

Your home doesn’t feel like a home. Not without that one person who could make any place your home, but you can’t see him right now, not until you learn how to exist around him without the urge to faint.

Going to bed alone is pure torture. Every moment you are waiting to hear Harry shuffling around in the apartment, you miss his little snorts when he is watching the TV, his singing coming from the shower, but most importantly, you miss having him so close to you in bed. Now that you’re lying on your own, your bed feels so cold, it brings you tears as reality sets in. You miss him. You miss him more than anything and you can’t imagine a time when it won’t hurt anymore.

The crying pushes you into a shallow slumber sometime in the middle of the night, however, you’re rudely shaken back to consciousness when you hear someone banging on your door like crazy, pushing the doorbell constantly.

“Jesus fuck,” you mumble with a grimace, pulling a hoodie on as you make your way to the door hazily, probably still half asleep because you open the door without checking who it is through the peephole and you end up staring up at none other than Harry. “What the—What are you doing here?” you breathe out, panic sets in fast and your hands start shaking at the sight of him.

Harry steps inside without invitation and closes the door behind him, a stern expression on his handsome face.

“Y/N, what the fuck were you thinking when you left like that?”

“I-I told you, it was an emergency.”

“What kind of emergency? Because I called your mom and sisters, they all said nothing happened in the family, so what could possibly happen that needed you here immediately?”

“I don’t have to explain shit to you.” Shaking your head you try to step back to put some distance between the two of you, but he doesn’t let you, taking a step forward at the same time.

“Well I think we have a lot to talk about after last night, don’t you think?”

“I don’t want to talk,” you shake your head biting into your bottom lip. This wasn’t supposed to happen, why couldn’t he just stay where he was? “How did you even get here so fast?”

“Left as soon as we wrapped.”

“Where are all your stuff?”

“Left everything there, I’ll just go back and pack it up, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that for a girl who genuinely hates any form of working out, you ran pretty fast from you today.”

Any other day you would have laughed at his comparison, but not today. You just stand there, chewing on the inside of your cheeks as you try to figure out what to do or say. You were not ready to face him so soon.

“What do you want me to say?” you ask desperately, throwing your hands into the air.

“Tell me what it meant for you,” he calmly answers and you want to shake him. How is he so peaceful?

“No,” you shake your head. “I’m not doing this to myself, okay? I need time, Harry.”

“For what?”

“So I can get myself over this, alright? I need time, I—fuck this,” you growl, feeling the tears flooding your eyes again. Damn it!

“Why the fuck do you want to get yourself over it?”

“Because it obviously didn’t mean the same thing to me as it meant to you!” you snap at him and he raises his eyebrows at you in a way that tells you “you’re stupid”.

“What do you think it meant to me?”

“Probably nothing,” you scoff rolling your eyes, but the anger that bursts from him quickly washes your attitude away.

“Fucking nothing? You think I would get on a fucking plane first thing after filming for ten hours straight just to come after you? You think I spent all my nights with you these past weeks because you mean nothing to me? You know, for a smart girl, you can be pretty dumb sometimes.”

You blink at him in utter confusion, his words knocked you off your feet. He exhales sharply, long fingers running through his messy curls as he tries his best to calm himself down. When he is finally breathing somewhat normally his wildly vibrant green eyes meet your widened stare.

“Y/N, I thought we were on the same page. What did you think it was all about?” he softly asks, seeing how shook you still are.

“I, uhh—I thought this was all just some kind of distraction. You said you were feeling lonely, I thought you were just… kind of using me. And then last night was you returning the favor.”

“Hell no,” he breathes out shaking his head as he steps closer and this time you don’t back away from him. You let his hands run down your arms until they find your hands. “I thought this was clear, but I’m gonna say it then. I’m in love with you, Y/N, have been for a long time, I was just being a pussy and didn’t know how you’d take it. But then, when you didn’t kick me out of your bed the first night we slept together, it got me hoping and it was all heading just the right direction. Then last night happened and I was so damn sure this would be our turning point but then…” He breathes out shakily again, as if the thought still upsets him. “When I called you and you said you were at the airport… I love you, Angel, but I was ready to murder you.”

You let out a faint chuckle, feeling the tears bubbling in your eyes.

“Why did you run away instead of talking to me? Did you not trust me?” he asks softly, a hand coming up to cup your jaw gently.

“I didn’t trust myself,” you admit weakly.

“Oh Angel…” Leaning down he kisses your forehead tenderly, his lips feel like soft feathers against your hot skin. “Do you need me to tell you again how in love I am with you or are you gonna believe me? You’re not planning to run away again, are you?” he teases you making you chuckle as you shake your head.

“I’m not gonna run away, but I would love to hear you say you love me again.”

“I love you. I love you so fucking much, Angel, don’t you ever think otherwise for a moment, okay?”

You nod, lips curling into your mouth as your teary eyes meet his green orbs.

“I love you too, Harry.”

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that,” he chuckles breathing out in relief and it makes you smile. “I would never just use you. Love you way too much for that, Angel. You are everything to me.”

“Wish I knew that earlier,” you mumble with a bitter chuckle. It would have saved you a lot of tears.

“I will never stop saying it to you.” His forehead rests against yours, noses touching as his arms curl around your frame, pulling you close to him until you’re pressed up against his hard chest. “Just out of curiosity, what were you thinking when I told you, you reminded me of Hey Angel? Because I think it pretty much gave me away, but apparently, I was wrong,” he chuckles lowly, pulling back a little so he can look you in the eyes.

“I honestly have no idea,” you admit with an awkward chuckle. “I just had a conversation with Florence before that where she called me out about my feelings for you and I was still kind of in shock. Probably took it as just your usual flirty behavior.”

“I’ll admit I do flirt some, but haven’t you realized it’s different with you?”

“I guess not.” “Angel, you are… something else,” he chuckles in disbelief before leaning down he finally presses his lips against yours. You giggle into his lips, arms wrapping around his neck as he lifts you up from the ground, twirling you around, a squeal slipping from your mouth.

“So, now you have to go back to pack your stuff?” you question, still wrapped into his arms completely and you don’t want to exist any other way. This is where you belong.

“Yeah. Had to chase down this Angel who thought she could run away from me.”

“So how are you planning to get to New York by four tomorrow when you’re still here and have to go back to pack? Have you checked the schedule I sent you? You’re not gonna make it.” You cock your head to the side with an arched brow.

“Did you just go back to full assistant mode right after we confessed our love for each other?”

“Someone has to be responsible and we both know it’s always me.”

“I’ll just hire someone to do it for me, I’ll leave to New York from here. Happy?” he grins at you as you nod.

“Very. Because this means you can stay the night here.”

“Seeing the fact that I literally have nowhere else to go, because even my house keys are in the suitcase I left back… I very much need to stay here for the night,” he points out.

“Good. Come on, my bed felt empty without you,” you giggle, pulling him towards your bedroom and he follows you eagerly.

“I can definitely help that.”

Thank you for reading! Please like/reblog if you enjoyed!

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