#it's a representation of trauma from religious upbringing

[one-winged-dreams]

Also getting my first tat today :D

[imakatperson22]

Ok. So. I’ve been thinking…

Everyone involved from Tim to Oliver to Ryan has stated that they want to do the characters justice and tell a story “true” to the characters. IMHO there really isn’t a better story for Buck and Eddie in terms of character growth than them getting together.

Eddie has been constantly searching for a new maternal figure for Christopher and possibly even someone to just play “wife” with him so he can fulfill this heteronormative expectation of a having a traditional family unit that stems from his religious upbringing and what was modeled by his own parents. His identity and self image is that he’s a “nester, he nests”. He needs somebody to love. The rub is that none of his attempts to make that happen have made him happy. Buck is the solution to this. Buck is already a part of the family. What Eddie so desperately searches for in all of his failed relationships is what he already has with Buck and that does make him happy. He just doesn’t realize it yet.

Buck on the other hand is the opposite. Through his upbringing and trauma with his family life, Buck has felt neglected and unloved for a long time. In the earlier seasons, this manifests as hyper sexuality and a need to create intimacy with whoever he can project it on to. It’s quick and dirty and it does the trick for a little but it’s not satisfying and fulfilling the way he wants it to be. Buck needs to be loved. And his solution is Eddie. Buck has that lasting affection and intimacy with Eddie, and I’m not speaking sexually. What’s more intimate than having a key to someone’s house and being their child’s coparent/godparent? Buck also has the belief that he’s expendable and Eddie is the one to help him out of this mindset by making Buck Chris’s guardian in the event of death, which helps give meaning and weight to Buck’s self esteem because now Buck has a reason for self preservation: Chris. Also, Eddie is incredibly patient and kind when it comes to Buck. After the tsunami, Eddie sets Buck straight when he’s beating himself up about losing Christopher. Instead of being angry he lost Chris or just neutral and saying “it was out of your control”, Eddie actively reassures Buck in a positive way. Buck gets what he needs from Eddie. He just doesn’t realize it yet.

I saw something floating around that was really interesting and that I agree with: Eddie knows he loves Buck but doesn’t know he’s queer, and Buck knows he’s queer but doesn’t know he loves Eddie.

Whether or not they intentionally wrote them this way, whether they’re going for just box checking representation or shock value or fan satisfaction, what have you, the reality is that the product they currently have is currently set up in a way for them to do one of the most beautiful, unique, compelling queer love stories we have ever seen on network television. And I really hope they lean in to that.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk…

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

anyway quick summary of what i think each character represents to isaacs psyche before i go to bed. regular characters are a part of him as a person and the tainted characters then reflect part of his trauma imo

isaac: obviously himself, but also isaac being a blank slate represents how he created so many personas to deal with his trauma/tainted isaac: the physical abuse isaac experienced and how he had to adapt as a survival strategy

magdalene: his love and admiration for his mother, to the point of wanting to be just like her/tainted magdalene: isaac's desperate need and latching onto any positive attention + his association of love with physical and emotional pain due to having shitty parents

cain: isaac feeling like he destroyed his family and the guilt that comes with that/tainted cain: hoarding

judas: isaac feeling like he’s betrayed both those he loves and his faith/tainted judas: intentionally acting out bc you believe you’re evil anyway

???: isaac's perception of himself after death/tainted ???: generally playing with feces is a common symptom of childhood trauma, which tainted ??? takes to an absurd extent.

eve: isaac's suicidal ideation and desire to self harm, along with internalised misogyny from his upbringing/tainted eve: self harming and suicidal behaviour

samson: isaac's anger and frustration/tainted samson: violent outbursts from trauma triggers

azazel: isaac's religious delusions of being the antichrist and his sins/tainted azazel: isaac's belief he needs to be punished and physically hurt for those “sins”

lazarus: potentially past suicide attempts/thoughts of suicide, and the religious implications of such/tainted lazarus: isaac's fear of purgatory and being unable to enter heaven due to suicide being a sin.

eden: the playfulness and silliness of like, a normal five year old, and isaac's maladaptive daydreaming/tainted eden: the fawn response, changing who you are to try and make what’s hurting you stop

the lost: again, isaac's idea of himself after his suicide/tainted lost: fear of being forsaken and abandoned again bc suicide is a sin and he’d be stuck in purgatory in his own head.

lilith: isaac's negative thoughts on his mother shifted to a “safe” alternative/tainted lilith: fear of sexuality and growing up

keeper: both again isaac's constant thoughts of death + a representation of his father, who he both admires and fears becoming/tainted keeper: indulgence and risky behaviours as a distraction

apollyon: due to the void representing delirium, possibly a reflection of isaac's own thoughts/reflections on his psychosis?/tainted apollyon: dunno tbh the later characters are less obvious and it’s 2 am

forgotten: isaac's idea of purgatory and what he thinks he deserves after his suicide, due to it being “sinful”/tainted forgotten: again, isaac's fear of being stuck forever due to that

bethany: isaac's idea of what he “should” be, being virtuous and holy where he feels he is sinful and damned/tainted bethany: clinging to his religion as a coping mechanism or rejecting it violently out of fear

jacob + esau: desire for a friend/sibling?/tainted jacob: impostor syndrome, feeling like you’ve betrayed/stolen from people around you.

again these are very simplified very tentative and it is 2 am so I cannot elaborate but. i think about this way too much.

[alexissara]

Alexis Sara On Vampires

[Art by @swordsofthorns from our comic When Hypnotic Eyes Meet. He is currently crowdfunding for transition care, please go support. ]

The vampire is an ever expanding concept, layers on layers from innovations, merging of myths, alternative cultures, and the many layers of media representation. What a vampire is, what it represents and how it exists in this world all vary from story to story. It is with knowing that that I speak about my own personal take on vampires as a person who has written vampires many times.

I believe vampires can go into true queer wish fulfillment. That a vampire can stand for queer strength, queer struggle, queer love and queer liberation. The death and then rebirth, the fear of the light, the community, the spreading through intimacy, the undying nature, it all suits queerness does it not. As a trans Lesbian I particularly am found of the death and rebirth, killing an old self and being reborn as someone new, someone more true to the nature of the woman who was once there.

I want to cover the blood of how Vampires I write work then talk about why I chose these things thematically and as part of the lore. Click keep reading for all the goodness.

[Art by https://twitter.com/remusmaurice which is also the cover for my little webnovel I wrote Love Beyond The Holy Light]

For me a vampire is a chance for a rebirth. The death removes that person who was there before and brings someone who was there inside all along, someone stronger, someone with fantastical powers and the strength to live on even beyond their own death. In this rebirth they are given an idealized form, a form that is their own deep personal, subconscious ideal. All vampires are sexy because their the self they wish to be. Their thirst for blood is a thirst for connection, for affection, for vengeance, it is layers of things depending on the context. Typically my vampires are not hurt by the sun but instead they simply are about human strength and around human ability when in the sunlight, they are playing by the rules of society but in the dark they make their own rules and are beyond the cis/het patriarchy. Although powerful vampires are effected even less by the sun.

A vampire has hypnotic powers, their compelling, their freedom, their way of life, their passion, their charisma, their unique sensibility it pulls you in and you just want to listen. They are fast, strong, they regenerate, they are unending in their resilience and ready to bash back. The vampire is a magical being and in so is inclined to magic, it comes naturally with different strings of magic coming to different people easier or harder. This leads to diverse things from turning into bats to shape shifting into other forms of humans to becoming a soft mist, a vampire's spells are their own, personal.

My vampires can see their reflection and are not effected by religious objects. However, this is only so true as they transcend their own traumas. Can they look themselves in the mirror or do they remember when they face they saw looked wrong and avoid being seen by it's reflective image. Does the pain of a religious upbringings make them move back at the sign of a cross, avoid a temple of worship, run at a incantation from a holy person?

If you want an example not written by me of Vampire's I think is good Seifuku no Vampiress Lord is probably my favorite Vampire Story that I've read. It's sadly a series that had to rush it's ending do to being canned and has yet to be localized but I promise it's an expectational lesbian vampire story.

I hope you enjoyed, if you did you might like checking out my work, you can go to my Carrd to get links to everything I worked on and find ways to support me. I'd love to write more vampires and I may be doing a bit of that in Thirsty Sword Lesbians: Falling Deeper.

[a-better-beginning]

Hell Followed With Us

Andrew Joseph White

Date Finished: June 26, 2022

4.5/5

Hell Followed With Us is an incredible read that explores religious trauma from a unique and interesting setting and perspective. The messiness of Benji’s thoughts on his upbringing and relationship with New Nazareth and the Angels is so personal, but also something so relatable to someone who has left a toxic religious environment. The characters are incredibly diverse, with their own thoughts, feelings, and prejudice, even within similar groups. I adore the choice to include these prejudices within the Watch as it is something I know exists and have experienced myself within queer communities. Nick’s autism was a fact I was cautious about when first picking up the book. As an autistic person myself I often find that a character's autism is often kept completely separate from their other characteristics, however, Nick’s autism is a part of every aspect of his character. He keeps stim toys with him, goes nonverbal, and even experiences shutdown which is a symptom that is often overlooked in autistic characters in favor of more dramatic and well-known meltdowns. He is flawed, messy,  and human, and is exactly the kind of representation I wish I would have had as a teenager. I could go on and on about how well Nick was written, and this attention to detail shows through in every single character. I have tried to write this review 5 times now and I can’t seem to fit in exactly what I am trying to get across. I loved this book, everyone should read it.

Content Warnings

Graphic: Religious bigotry, Transphobia, Body horror, Deadnaming, Gore, and Vomit

Moderate: Sexual content and Toxic relationship

[sad-endings-suck]

i totally understand how some people might think six of crows isn’t as diverse as the fandom makes it out to be, but i think a lot of people forget that diversity can exist outside of gender, race and sexuality. like okay, Inej and nina are the only main characters that are women, of the seven main characters four are queer (which is great) but only three of those seven are poc. however, if you broaden your horizons for a moment, you’d realize kaz is physically disabled (hence the need for his cane), nina is plus-sized (body diversity), wylan is dyslexic (also disabled), inej’s religion and culture are very important to her (healthy religious rep), jesper has adhd and a gambling addiction (neither is used to illustrate how lazy he is) kaz and inej’s trauma isn’t treated like a character trait (their lives and how they live are both changed by their ptsd) and matthias’ whole arc is about learning to do better by people that are not like him and how to break away from a toxic upbringing. so no, soc doesn’t have perfect rep if you’re only concerned about gender, race and sexual orientation, but i implore you to re-evaluate why you think only those three things are worth representing. soc doesn’t have perfect rep, but it has more diversity of representation than most mainstream media.

[theworldbrewery]

what does it mean to play with a high (or low) stat?

fun fact: “commoners” (i.e., your average unskilled random) have a 10 in every ability score.

they are the average of the average. the most middle-of-the-road we can achieve. and they will never reflect your Player Character’s reality.

but they are a great baseline for determining where your characters are outstanding, and where they will struggle.

An average person can lift 50 lbs comfortably, has enough hand-eye coordination to play a decent game of ping-pong against an equally-matched opponent, can fight off most communicable diseases, knows how to read, can tell when they need more information to be able to act, and is able to handle basic social contact when there is no reason for conflict.

***note--I’m using these “averages” to talk about what a non-disabled and neurotypical person will be generally capable of without training or honing a particular skill. Being within 2-3 ability score points of the average doesn’t necessarily require justification, but it might still be fun to explore***

so your barbarian with an 18 in strength isn’t just an outlier, it’s a major difference from what Jane Ordinary can manage on a typical day, and the sweet-talking powers of your 20-charisma sorcerer are going to feel supernatural compared with what the traveling horse salesman is used to. When you’re creating a character, whether that’s an NPC with class levels or a player character, consider why a character’s stats are the way they are.

If they were naturally gifted, is that why they felt called to the class they chose? Did they work hard to be where they are today, and let other abilities fall by the wayside? Did a higher power imbue them with strength, charisma, or wisdom to make a perfect vessel for their plans? Reimagining the reasons behind your statistics can help develop your backstory and even factor into your character arc down the line.

***Another note: be especially self-aware if you’re going to play a neuroatypical, mentally ill, or disabled character and you aren’t yourself a member of the group you’re representing. I love representation but don’t be insensitive---and if anything I mention here comes off as insensitive, let me know and I’ll adjust accordingly!***

STRENGTH: 

At first level, a higher-than-average STR score is going to reflect a lot of training, whether intentional or not. The character may have grown up chopping wood and hauling logs around a woodland village, spent their young adulthood in a mine, or studied with bodybuilders in a remote bodybuilder monastery.

In contrast, a lower-than-average STR score might correspond to a pampered lifestyle, one where the character never needed physical labor to get by; or perhaps they have a disability, such as a bad back, or a chronic illness that leaves their muscles weaker than usual.

DEXTERITY:

A character with a high DEX is flexible and fast. They might have been an acrobat in a circus, flipping around on the trapeze. An urchin whose two options are move fast or get arrested is also likely to be dextrous, as much as a noble who, as a child, often crept around and hid in their family estate to avoid lessons or spy on the adults. They might be from a tree-dwelling community where leaping across platforms is commonplace, or use their dexterity on the rigging of the ship they made their home. A very dextrous person might even have EDS or another condition that makes them hyper-flexible.

A low DEX might, like low STR, match with a disability like arthritis or an old leg injury that never healed properly, or it could align with pressure to behave properly in polite company--never running, climbing, or skulking around. Low DEX could also translate to clumsiness, a fear of taking physical risks, or a tremor that makes Sleight of Hand difficult.

CONSTITUTION:

High CON is a matter of resistance to illness, poison/drugs/alcohol, and general hardiness or stamina. A high CON character might take vitamins and supplements to keep their peak physical condition, do exercises to increase lung capacity or practice running to build endurance. They may take small doses of poison to build up immunity, or maybe they’ve been a low-grade alcoholic for so long their liver is adept at filtering out toxins. They might have done charity marathons to raise money for good causes back home.

Low CON might therefore translate to an arrhythmia or other chronic illnesses such as asthma, POTS, or even severe allergies. The low CON character could have been trapped in a sheltered upbringing that never exposed them to disease or required them to stand and move for hours. Maybe they have never been exposed to drink or drugs and are an incurable lightweight.

INTELLIGENCE:

A high-INT character may have spent years under the tutelage of scholars, worked hard to get into an educational institution, or learned history and magic from the elders of their community with the intent to carry the knowledge into the next generation. They may have autism that helps with information recall, ADHD that leads to hyperfocus on a few specific topics, or another form of neurodiversity.

A low-INT character may have never had the chance to learn from their uneducated family, or be so without a community that no one bothered to teach them. They might have a learning disability, memory problems, or chronic fatigue that causes brain fog.

WISDOM:

A high-WIS character is generally observant, able to assess the intentions of others, clear-headed, and pragmatic--or at least practical. High Wisdom may come from being taught from a young age to pay attention to one’s surroundings, be a part of a community’s religious or ethical worldview, or be a necessary skill developed for survival in a world full of hazards or underhanded strangers. High WIS scores can also derive from anxiety or trauma that make characters more sensitive to information and more likely to observe patterns that otherwise go unnoticed.

Low WIS characters might have very little life experience, or be naive because of the way they’ve been taught to view the world. They might have issues with visual or auditory processing that affect their perception, have low empathy that makes insight a struggle, or experience depression, psychosis, or paranoia that leads to difficulty assessing what is real.

CHARISMA:

High CHA characters may spend months or years mastering the performing arts, honing their ability to lie or stretch the truth, or practicing their most intimidating posture. Or their Charisma may stem from being completely genuine and trustworthy, without any apparent artifice. Characters with sociopathy may know how to turn any social encounter to their advantage, and those with high empathy may be simply likeable. A high-CHA character could be funny, attractive, talented, or have a magnetic personality for any number of reasons, including trying to impress a particular social group or person, a career goal as a comedian or performer, or being raised with rustic hospitality.

A low-CHA character may have trouble with eye contact or even be compulsively unable to lie (or a compulsive liar that’s simply unconvincing); they might have sensory issues that make them sensitive to music or certain vocal timbres, or they might be brusque and businesslike. Low Charisma can stem from a roughshod upbringing, a cultural emphasis on stark honesty even when unsolicited, or a lack of awareness for someone else’s perspective. Even a speech impediment or a trauma that leads to skittishness can read as low-Charisma if you want to play it that way (though it doesn’t have to be).

Sometimes, a character is in the middle-of-the-road but you still want to include one of the options mentioned above. In that case, they could have multiple “conflicting” influences in their background. A character with ADHD might be very good with a specific subject but the ADHD also manifests as memory issues, reflecting a 12 Intelligence score and its ambiguity (and proficiency in specific skills will reflect the specificity of hyperfocus, for instance). 

None of these are hard-and-fast rules. If you want to play a character with chronic pain that doesn’t have a matching low score, that’s also amazing! But if you’re starting from the stats and want to figure out the “in-game justification” for why someone’s abilities are where they are, I hope this little outline helps.

If you like our posts, consider donating to our Ko-Fi @ theworldbrewery. We are saving up for Volo’s Guide to Monsters (and I’m kinda looking forward to trashing Volo’s opinions)

[thewhizzyhead]

Hey, your misfits musical thing sounded super super interesting! Any other details about it that you're willing to share? Minor plot points? Gay Relationship stuff? :0

oh boy this is gonna be long *cracks knuckles* here we go

SO FUN BACKSTORY BEFORE I GET TO THE PLOT PARTS TJXJJS: my sunday school has a tradition of um holding productions of christmas musicals every december. My teachers would find american christian christmas kiddy musicals productions on youtube and then basically um translate all the dialogue to Filipino (the songs stay in English) and have us um reenact the whole thing and ngl it was a lot of fun! I even acted as some of the main roles there when I was like 10-13 so um I can kinda say that I have some experience with musical theatre YAYYY (jk jk that doesn't really count djsff).

When I was around 12-13 years old, I became obsessed with A Very Potter Musical and wondered what it would be like to make AVPM but Christmas so that my church could perform it (very silly idea but shh i was 12 and I was obsessed) and then over time a plot that Was Definitely Not Harry Potter started to form and them um here we are fjsjd so thank you Starkid for making me go down this hellhole

Oki backstory over, now here comes the very long part:

(Also um warning this musical concept involves a lot of religion talk since majority of the thingy is me criticizing a lot of the hypocrisies in religious institutions here based on my experience so um yea proceed with caution if ur sensitive to religion-related stuff)

p.s. ari i am so so sorry but this is so fucking long and definitely more than what you asked for so um yea goodluck fjxjsjf

SO BASICALLY Misfits is about 5 "narrators" - these guys serve as the "floor directors" of the show and um yea they make sure that the plot actuall happens and everything goes exactly according to the script given by the church higher ups or "producers" - who have to bring 3 teens branded by their church as "Misfits" back to Bethlehem 1 CE in order to "teach them a lesson about God" aka convert them to Christianity thus removing the "Misfits" branding. (Also they can only go back once they successfully arrive at the manger because um that's how the producers want it to be tjxjs)

I have to emphasize that although this tackles a lot of stuff related to Christianity and religion as a whole, this really isn't a Christian Musical and that this very morally questionable mission (through the power of Stage Magic and Super Powers, the Narrators essentially bring the Misfits back to the past against their will for the sake of completing their mission) goes horribly, horribly wrong very very quickly.

Throughout the course of the musical, the 5 Narrators struggle to stick to the given script and get their mission done as the 3 Misfits prove to not only be very freaking stubborn but also quite insightful as well as they bring up really good points in regards to religious hypocrisies and socially questionable, prejudiced and backward views commonly held by most religious institutions here i.e gender roles, homophobia, the demonization of science and technology at times, elitism and classism, etc etc (i can only speak in behalf of the Philippines so um yea Philippines). Overall, this is kinda a case study on as to how religion can influence and shape people's mindsets for either the better or the worse and how it is often used by the authorities to simultaneously give hope to the people (especially those of the poorer sectors wherein because of how hopeless the present seems here because a very flawed system kept in place by the exploitative privilged here, they choose to just trust in God instead and also hope that the afterlife is much much better than this shit) while also keeping them in line and like preventing them from rioting. (Church and politics undeniably go hand in hand here even though we have legislations enforcing the separation of the church and state and um yEA THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN VERY PROMINENT THROUGHOUT PHILIPPINE HISTORY AND WE CAN ALL THANK THE SPANIARDS but um anyways that'll be a rant for another day)

On a more personal and emotional aspect, this thingy also tackles a lot of stuff I find rather common among kids my age, especially those who had a very Christian upbringing (aka 99.9% of the philippine population tjxbdbf). There's a lot of questioning involved in regards to one's faith, sexuality, perspective and purpose in life and all that fun stuff and how oftentimes said questioning is discouraged due to the church (and ph society overall) wanting us to just like um sTICK TO THE STATUS QUOoOoO and just comply with what is seen as appropriate and godly cause anything out of the ordinary is ngl treated like it's heresy. (YES THERE WILL BE A LOT OF SELF PROJECTION HERE)

One final and important thing to note is that the show is essentially a musical-inside-a-musical in a way fjsjf I originally designed this thing to be like um produce-able on my church's stage (because they were supposed to help me produce the first version of misfits which um yea that's def not gonna happen now tjxjdv) which um kinda looks like the OG Spring Awakening Stage (and yes Misfits is very much inspired by Spring Awakening God I love that show) which is why the show is kinda stylized like a concert with handheld mics and all wherein um the 5 narrators are aware that they are putting on a show to the point of even directly addressing the audience a lot while the 3 Misfits (except for 1 which i'll get to in a bit) aren't aware that they are in a show. The three do eventually find that out and that's when all hell breaks loose to the point that the "producers" (represented by Hades-ish voices) have to intervene by literally changing and manipulating the show's setting and plot to make sure that their script gets followed and that's when the characters really try to break the show to get out of it bUT THE POINT I WANNA MAKE HERE IS THXJD keeping in mind that I had initially planned for Misfits to be produced by my church prior to the many drastic changes, the show the narrators were putting on (aka the musical-inside-the-musical) was made with the intention to pander to a Very Religious Audience. Successfully convincing people to convert to Christianity, especially those of the youth, is what many religious audiences want to see and that is exactly what the "producers" have written for the 5 "narrators and floor directors" to enact. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian and preaching the Gospel and bringing in new believers isn't essentially a bad thing; if they want to believe in the religion then woo good for them! But, such preaching becomes detrimental when you take away one's agency and basically force them into Christianity by means of guilt tripping and manipulation which is sadly very much a reality here (again, a rant for another day) and a representation of such is shown here in the show where um the 3 Misfits were basically forced into this show that 5 Narrators are putting on and, through the influence of the 5 Narrators, the 3 Misfits have to decide to become "good Christian youths" for the show to conclude because that's show the "producers" have written. So when the 3 Misfits stubborness goes to the point that even the 5 Narrators start questioning the morals of their mission, that's when the show starts to go off-script and that's when the production starts to like umm "break" and whenever that happens, the "producers" start speaking to the Narrators, reminding them that they have an audience that they need to please and a message that they need to convey.

So while the Misfits (2 of them, at least, cause um the third one has um yea i'll get to him in a bit) mainly focus on figuring out what in the everliving fuck is going on (while also dealing with their um unfortunate circumstances, childhood trauma, a shit ton of guilt and the concept of salvation and self-forgiveness), the Narrators are tasked with the burden of carrying the show and making sure that the audience finds it appealing while trying to convince themselves that what the church wants them to do is "right" and what the Misfits keep telling them is "wrong" ala um Holier-Than-Thou mindset. Once they eventually start becoming more willing to see the true nature of both the Misfits and the Producers despite the fear of disappointing everyone who's watching, that's when the Narrators and Misfits all start breaking the show by going off-script and completely destroying the plot and production that the Producers have made for the audience - thus making a statement of refusing to comply with a flawed system for the sake of audience approval while also making the first step to fixing that system for the good of all.

Also fun fact: Although it'll make my job a lot harder because I am more fluent in English than in Filipino, i wanna write the thingy in both English and Filipino fjxjdf the dialogue can be Taglish but um the songs that are "part of the script" aka what the Producers want the characters to sing are in English while the songs that aren't part of the script are in Filipino; songs that are both in Filipino and in English are um i guess indicative of the struggle to follow the script while also trying to do what you believe is right (an example of a song with that style is Interpretasyon - which means Interpretation and um Ezekiel (one of the Misfits) sings in Filipino while Joshua (leader of the narrators) sings in English and um just imagine Wallflower cuz IT IS VERY MUCH LIKE WALLFLOWER GJDJNF) and um yea i kinda imagine it to be some sort of rock-pop musical concert thingy so um woo thank you pma for once again influencing my work

SO ANYWAYS UM THAT WAS LONG SO LET'S GO TO THE GAY SHIT

Okay so far 4/8 of the characters here have queerness directly related to their individual plotlines here but um yea honestly i'm tempted to make all of them queer CAUSE IT'S FUN oki so um anyways on to the character dynamics (I won't be able to include more in depth descriptions because im hungry and GOD THIS IS LONG so um yea)

June & Anna (Narrator 2) - oki so June here is one of the Misfits and she's from the poorer sectors (i'm still working on her backstory to make it more believable but um yea) and she isn't able to go to school due to having to prioritize providing for her family first. Due to a very unfortunate childhood event (one that involves Zack, another Misfit), she had to grow up fast and now appears to have a rather jaded view of the world. Anna, one of the Narrators, is the very opposite of that - she's privileged and wealthy-as-fuck and seems to be very optimisitc and friendly. However, ever since she has been blackmailed by her own churchmates for merely questioning her sexuality (true story), she became a more reserved and emotionally closed person despite her very friendly and cheerful demeanor. So when she finds out that June's music carries a lot of beautiful insight and hope in spite of her unfortunate circumstances (the two girls bond over music btw that's how Anna got June to trust in her), she becomes confused because how can June, a girl who has nothing, not even faith, still have hope that she'll be able to find some semblance of happiness while Anna, who has everything, has such a downtrodded view of the world? So um basically their dynamic will also consist of Anna checking her privilege, June explaining how good people turn against the world when the world turns against them (YES A LOT OF TALK ABOUT POVERTY AND HOW THAT IS A RESULT OF CAPITALISTIC EXPLOITATION) (yes June will talk about that a lot), and um what it means to hope with or without faith and what it means to trust another and oneself again. Oh and also lots of philosophy talk and emotional expression through music wie

Zack and Mikael (Narrator 3) - Zack, another Misfit, is a childhood friend of June and a younger stepbrother of Ezekiel (the third Misfit). After Zack and June lost contact after the 'unfortunate childhood event' (i am not sure on what exactly it'll be but in the earlier drafts a fire burned both of their homes and killed both of their dads and rn I have a song concept describing that called "Umaapoy" which means "Burns" but i dunno i'm still working on it), he became best friends with Mikael and um yea said best-friendship was Definitely Not Platonic. After a picture of them kissing was sent to not only the school principal but to basically everyone in the school, both of their parents were called to the principal's office which led to both of the boys moving to different schools to um mitigate the damage i guess gjdjd while Zack's mom eventually learned to accept her son's sexuality, Mikael um wasn't so lucky - I'd say he went through um a lot of religious intervention almost akin to conversion therapy which then um yea has caused him a lot of internalized homophobia and um yea Mikael and Zack haven't been able to talk or even chat in about 3-4 years so imagine Mikael's surprise when he found out that his mission involved Zack - who does not and cannot recognize Mikael because welp not part of the script. Zack, a bit braver now, takes a liking to Mikael and wants to at least be friends with him partly because he somehow finds him really familiar while um Mikael tries to maintain a strictly professional demeanor out of fear that Zack will recognize him and out of fear that he'll fall in love with Zack again. Their dynamic will also include um learning to trust one another and oneself again (like June & Anna's dynamic), to learn how to be brave and be sure in one's beliefs (Mikael um doesn't really speak up that much out of fear while Zack is not only outspoken, but is also an activist - this is another one of the many reasons why Zack is branded as a "Misfit" aside from the fact that he's gay and um yea Ezekiel spends almost 2 minutes berating Joshua for this out of pure anger and disgust), and what it means to reconnect with the past and to forgive oneself (although that is much more expounded upon with June & Zack's dynamic).

Ezekiel and Joshua (Narrator 1) - SAY HI TO THE RILEY AND CAIRO DYNAMIC WOOOOOOO but yea ari dude your analysis on Riley and Cairo (and Kate) being the Main MAIN characters and everything about cheerwives gave me a lot of think about and SO I PUT IT IN HERE WOOOOOO so basically um Ezekiel is the older stepbrother of Zack and the first of the 3 Misfits to figure out that they are in a show. He figures this out because he recognizes Joshua aka the leader of the Narrators aka his former churchmate and ex-bestfriend. He also realizes that they are in a show because he recognizes their tricks which he knew about because he had participated in these missions before as one of the Narrators (Joshua and Ezekiel are older than the rest of the cast and the other narrators don't know that Ezekiel was once a Narrator as well). Due to an Unfortunate Incident (that i'm still working on) 3 years prior to the events in the show, Ezekiel cut off all ties to the church but he is still viewed as this "perfect role model golden boy" which is why the 4 Narrators were shocked to find out that Ezekiel was part of their mission. Joshua, knowing that the real reason to his sudden involvement is due to "producers" somehow finding out their secret about the Unfortunate Incident, lied and told the others that he was just included to make converting his brother a lot easier, which they believed. Out of all the narrators, Joshua is the one who tries his best to stick to the script the most because he knows that if he doesn't, the true nature of that Unfortunate Incident will not only be revealed to his companions but to everyone else watching. Meanwhile Ezekiel, who doesn't know that him being involved in this mission is some sort of um penance for his involvement in that Unfortunate Incident, tries his hardest to sabotage he show by being the most outspoken when pointing out a lot of hypocrisies within religious institutions and in ph society in general (he refuses to tell the other two that they are in a show though because if that happens, he knows the Narrators, Joshua especially will um get very heavily scolded by the producers and despite everything, he still cares for Joshua a lot). I'd say that these two are the ones that push the plot the most - one wants to push the show accordingly to plan in order to please the audience and the producers and in order to not let his and Ezekiel's secret go out while the other wants to push the show off-script in retaliation against the producers (and yes the Unfortunate Incident involved the time travelling thingy which is why he really wants to sabotage this). In fact, these two have 2 duets that are basically them trying to convince the other to go along with their plan ("Interpretasyon" which means Interpretation and "Sikreto" which means secret). This dynamic involves um yea trying to convince the other to switch sides gjxjd and um reconciliation, responsibility out of guilt, and what it means to forgive oneself (forgiveness is a common theme here) and to start to heal from trauma and to not deny the existence of said trauma any longer.

NOW ORIGINALLY I REALLY DID NOT INTEND THE JOSHUA AND EZEKIEL DYNAMIC TO BE GAY BUUTT WHEN I WAS THINKING OF THE LYRICS, I REALIZED THAT OUT OF CONTEXT, IT SOUNDED VERY GAY SO UM HERE'S AN EXCERPT OF SIKRETO (still not finished writing the thingy)

Joshua: (singing to Ezekiel) (this is also the first time Joshua sings a Filipino solo so this is him breaking the script for the first time) (also um yea the translations aren't direct translations cause I wanted to make them rhyme fnxnf) (So to those who know filipino i am terribly sorry cause yup this isnt an accurate translation fjfjd)

Ang natitirang alaala ay aking binura (I have scrubbed away all the memories that may have still remained)

‘di ko na sila kilala (I don't know them anymore)

Kinalimutan na kita (I have forgotten about your name)

Ngunit ang bigat ng pagsisisi ang aking dinadala (But the weight of regret, I carry all the same)

Ang sakit sa balikat, lagi kong dinarama (I constantly feel the sting of my shoulders' pain)

Pero masasabi ko pa rin na sinusubukan kong itama (But at least I can say, I tried to right-)

Ang aking mga pagkakamali (all that's wrong)

Ikaw, saan ka pumunta? (What about you? Where in the world have you gone?)

Tumakbo ka lang at iniwan mo ako (You ran, you just ran, and left me behind)

Sa pagbubuhat ng kasalanan at sikreto (In carrying the sins and secrets, and you paid me no mind)

Pero pinapanatili ko paring malinis ang ating munting kwento (But I stillade sure I kept our little story clean)

Patuloy na sinisigurong ‘di nila malalaman ang totoo (I kept on making sure the truth would never be seen)

Alam na natin ang kwento (We already know the story)

Alam na natin ang kwentong kailangang itago (We know the story that we need to hide)

Itong munting sikreto ay kailangan burahin (This little secret that has to be erased)

Ating pagkakamali, patuloy na bubuhatin (We will have to always carry, our sins and our mistakes)

Alam na natin ang kwento (We already know the story)

Alam natin ang katotohanan ng nakaraan (We very well know the truth of the past)

Ito'y nakabakas sa isipan, ‘di natin malilimutan (We'll never forget what will remain ingrained in our minds)

At sa Diyos na lang natin mahahanap ang kapatawaran (And from only God could we find forgiveness for what we left behind)

Habang buhay bubuhatin ng konsensiya (Forever will our consciences bear the weight and carry

ang ating pagkakasala, ang kwento't sikreto nating dalawa (our sins kept in secrecy, the story of you and me)

Pero ngayon, ‘di ko alam paano pero nalaman nila (But now, I don't know how, but somehow they know)

At ngayon, dinedemanda na nila ang penitensya (And now, penitence is what they demand)

Kaya ngayon, naghihingi ako ng pasensiya (So now, patience and forgiveness is what I ask)

Sa iyo at sa kanila (From you and from them)

Sa aking gagawin at mga nagawa (for what I'll do and I've done)

Baka nga (Perhaps)

Tama nga mga sinabi mo (What you've said all this time is right)

Na ‘di tayo ang tanging may sala rito (That we aren't the ones only at fault here)

Pero ‘di ko matatakasan ang aking naging tungkulin (But I can't really escape my little role here, because)

Sana ‘di mo nakalimutan: lahat sila nakatingin (God I hope you haven't forgotten: they're all looking at us)

Lagi silang nakatingin (Always looking at us)

Kahit ano man ang iyong gawin (No matter what we do)

Tayo'y mananatili sa entablado (On the stage we shall stay)

At lahat sila nakatingi- (And the stares still won't go awa-) (He then realizes that he's on stage and Should Not Be Having A Breakdown In Front Of The Audience Because Duh and Because That's Not Part Of The Script)

SO UM YEA IN RETROSPECT SOME OF THOSE LYRICS COULD ALSO REFER TO SOME SECRET NOT-PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP THAT THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT YET (because the Secret doesn't get revealed til much later) WHEN IN ACTUALITY IT'S ABOUT THE TRUTH BEHIND WHAT HAPPENED 3 YEARS PRIOR TO THE EVENTS IN THE SHIW AND NOT GONNA LIE,,, THEM BEING IN A NOT-SO-PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP KINDA ALSO WORKS SO I'M CONSIDERING MAKING THEM HAVE SOME ROMANTIC HISTORY TOO JDHXBSJF

Oki that's all for today hdhdh there are two more characters (narrators 4 and 5) but i'm still working on them and i kinda wanna make the both of them not cis cause WHY NOT also i have been typing this for like 6 hours now and i'm tired and hungry so tjjxjs anyways if you read to the end, I'm sending you carbonara-

[spector]

I have a question and I’m sorry if this sounds ignorant because I don’t know much about MK but how much matters that they get a Jewish actor to play Moon Knight? I mean if they don’t focus on childhood aspect then it wouldn’t matter as much that the actor resonates with the character? But this only from what I read from biographies on various fan sites. Like I said I never read a MK comic so I claim ignorance but I’m interested to hear your opinion.

I MEAN… i dont… exactly know how to explain that like… you should care about jewish characters being played by jewish actors? im not rly trying to make u sound ignorant but being jewish is more than uhh… a childhood. LIKE honestly im a little bit stumped by ur question?? being Jewish is … more than religious practices. no its not ethnicity or a race but it’s pretty close and it’s important we honor that by casting jewish people in jewish roles. just as you’d want an actor of color playing a character of color, you should want the same for mk - a jewish actor playing a jewish role in which they get to celebrate their ancestry despite the antisemitic world we live in. 

its a similar situation to when u have trans actors playing trans characters.. sure a cis actor can act authentically and portray the trans experience as well, but it’s not about whether they can or cannot. a good actor can learn to convey just about anything, a cis person can act trans. its about letting trans people tell their stories because theyre theirs, authentically theirs. 

and this sort of representation is very important for marc, who is a son of a rabbi and was going to be a rabbi too. he is one of the major jewish representation in mainstream comics and like. you cannot sum up his jewishness by just referring to it as ‘childhood upbringing’. it has ALWAYS influenced every part of marc’s motivations, for example his choice to go to the army was specifically to spite his father and go against the religion of peace. his attitude towards his faith informs the way he interacts w/ khonshu as well. marc is a VERY angry man and a lot of that anger stems from the injustice he has witnessed as a kid but also the generational trauma he carries as a result of being jewish…. like is marc a practicing jew?? no hes not and in some comics its possible to completely overlook the fact that hes jewish but does that mean we shouldnt let a jewish actor play a distinctly jewish role in a world that doesnt care about celebrating judaism ??? 

LIKE. I HONESTLY… DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS and i dont mean it the bad way… like yes of course, an actor of any background could portray marc accurately… marc could also be written with 0 references to him being jewish and he would still read as moon knight … but he is jewish, one of the VERY. FEW. characters who are openly jewish. and jewish people deserve to have that representation played by one of them because that just matters. its not about factual qualifications, its about letting jewish people play jewish characters. because the world usually doesnt care about that or just straight up hates them.

also i promise you theres plenty of talented jewish actors out there who can tackle mk

[fareweller]

Buffy The Vampire Slayer and coming to terms with my queerness

I grew up in a small town on Lake Michigan, raised by two ultra-religious parents who sent me to Lutheran school until, after much begging, they let me attend public high school. I’ve learned from various interactions mentioning my private religious school upbringing that people’s ideas of what that looks like isn’t consistent. For me, being raised in Lutheran school meant that in sixth grade my teacher wrote “Love homosexuals” on the board, dropped the chalk like a mic, then went on to say that although his gay neighbor makes him uncomfortable he loves him because that’s what God would want. Love the sinner not the sin. No one in the class agreed. At that time, my classmates’ ignorance bothered me. However, at 22 I can better understand the reasons they isolated me: I was an awkward queer goth kid who spent most of my spare time researching serial killers; I persuaded my parents to let me stop eating meat when I was just 10; when I was confirmed at age 12, I knew I didn’t believe in God, but I didn’t want my parents to tell me I was going to Hell. I was different and vocal about that Otherness. Throughout puberty, my only friends lived in Sunnydale, California. Buffy the Vampire Slayer  served as an escape, showing me a world outside of isolation.

The series came out in 1997, five years after the movie that inspired Joss Whedon to make a Warner Brothers spin off.  The growth of Buffy and her friends paralleled mine in many ways. Willow, one of Buffy’s closest companions and part of “The Scooby Gang,” a small group of people aware that their high school sat atop a literal HellMouth, was my first representation of a queer woman. Ever. It allowed me to escape the constant isolation I felt in class and at home.

Willow wasn’t able to address her queerness until college. Until she meets her first girlfriend, Tara. She comes out to Buffy in the episode “New Moon Rising.” After the return of Willow’s ex werewolf boyfriend, Oz, Buffy is excited for Willow because of the work Oz has put into becoming more of a man and less of a wolf. Willow’s not excited because she’s secretly started dating Tara, another witch at UC Sunnydale.

About 16 mins into the episode, Buffy and Willow have this awkward conversation:

WILLOW: It's complicated - because of Tara.

BUFFY: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, not - Oh. Ohh.

“Are you freaked?” Willow asks.

“No. Absolutely no.”

From this point on, there’s never another moment of awkwardness surrounding Willow’s lesbianism. She’s normal and functioning. She’s accepted by her friends. As someone young, closeted and terrified of my identity I didn’t know this was possible.

Whedon hinted to Willow’s queerness throughout the series but it doesn’t, pun intended, come out until season four. The majority of these hints were saturated in darkness -- her doppleganger born of a wish gone wrong was queer. This hornier, darker version of Willow is everything she doesn’t want to accept about herself. I believe she doesn’t truly face this shadow self until the loss of the the very thing that sparked her beginning steps into queerness -- Tara.

“Dopplegangland” is the second time we’re introduced to Willow’s other dimensional self. At this point in the series Anya, who becomes a beloved member of the Scooby Gang, is a vengeance demon fallen from Hell’s grace trying to gain back her reputation as a Big Bad. She approaches regular Willow, who has just begun her journey into Wicca, to help with a spell that will return her demonic abilities. The necklace that allows Anya to be a demon was lost earlier in the series when a wish lead to another dimensional apocalypse. In this dimension, Willow is a vampire. The spell to return the necklace allows Willow’s shadow self to step into the current reality. In this episode, regular Willow is starting to doubt her identity. But it’s not her sexual identity. Instead, she doubts herself as someone who’s always reliable and studious. It’s here that she’s presented with the very antithesis to that self -- vampire Willow. 

As the episode ends, the Gang decides to send dark Willow back to her own dimension, rather than killing her. Dark Willow is finally dealt with when regular Willow loses Tara and must come to terms with the darkness inside herself.

“She messed up everything she touched. I don’t ever want to be like that.” Willow said. Unfortunately, in season six this becomes her reality.

Season six is broken into two parts, two Big Bads. The first is the Trio, a group of nerds dabbling in the Dark Arts run by the misogynistic Warren who wants to rule the world and defeat the Slayer. A man wanting to defeat a powerful woman to feel better about himself. 

The second is Dark Willow. Season’s end, Warren ends up misfiring on Buffy and shooting Tara through a window. Unable to deal with the loss, Willow goes Dark -- the full power of her dark self is unleashed by a man who hates women, who oversexualizes and objectifies them. She skins him alive. 

The only person who can bring her back is another Scooby, Xander, who reminds her of her humaness. She goes to Witch Rehab and deals with all of the things she never dealt with, all of the things that caused her and Tara to fight, all of the things that had been there the whole time she just hadn’t realized it until it got that bad.

In college, I ended up facing my own Dark Willow. I came out when I was 15 to everyone but my dad. At 18, I told him I was gay. When I got to college, I started dating guys along with girls and lost sight of the queer community. I was diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma when I was 20 years old. I was on the precipice of my Darkness when my friends, my own Scooby Gang, reminded me that I wasn’t alone. I rewatched Buffy when I was at my sickest. Willow’s strength reminds me that there will always be loss and pain but I am not alone. Even when I am, I can always return to Sunnydale.

[therealforeignspell]

Inside Cover:  “When four classmates from a small Massachusetts college move to New York to make their way, they’re broke, adrift, and buoyed only by their friendship and ambition. There is kind, handsome Willem, an aspiring actor; JB, a quick-witted, sometimes cruel Brooklyn-born painter seeking entry to the art world; Malcolm, a frustrated architect at a prominent firm; and withdrawn, brilliant, enigmatic Jude, who serves as their center of gravity.

Over the decades, their relationships deepen and darken, tinged by addiction, success, and pride. Yet their greatest challenge, each comes to realize, is Jude himself, by midlife a terrifyingly talented litigator yet an increasingly broken man, his mind and body scarred by an unspeakable childhood, and haunted by what he fears is a degree of trauma that he’ll not only be unable to overcome—but that will define his life forever.”

First Paragraph:  “The eleventh apartment had only one closet, but it did have a sliding glass door that opened onto a small balcony, from which he could see a man sitting across the way, outdoors in only a T-shirt and shorts even though it was October, smoking. Willem held up a hand to greet him, but the man didn’t wave back.”

Meeting Details: Friday November 10

Rating:   4 Bookworms

Final Thoughts:  

Reading A Little Life was liked being pulled in every direction at once. The lives of these character’s had such verisimilitude. I felt like I knew each one on a deep personal level. Because of this, it was also a very difficult read. As I read Jude’s reasoning for his desire to harm himself, it brought up flashbacks of my own past and what I have come out of. His character put so poetically into words what it is like to feel that sickness of depression inside of you. Like it is an alien body trapped in your blood and flowing through your veins. It was so vivid that at times I had to put down the book, close my eyes, and breath again. I paced my living room while trying to calm my nerves and my husband would say “Good book, huh?”  The amount of human suffering that Jude experiences is nearly unfathomable. Yet it’s the friendships that he forms that make it tolerable and not torturous to read. And these relationships are as inspiring and full of beauty as the book can be dark. A Little Life will make you ugly cry, it might induce an panic attack, but I promise you it is worth it. Beautifully written and a great example of the human ability to feel and love at great depths.

Talking Points:

Page 19- Why does JB choose to lie to his friends about his family life? Does he appreciate his family, or take them for granted? Is he ungrateful?

Page 25- Why can’t Willem acknowledge Jude’s pain and help him? Why have they never spoken about it?

Page 75- “But this was part of the deal when you were friends with Jude: he knew it, Andy knew it, they all knew it. You let things slide that your instincts told, you not too, you scooted around the edge of your suspicions. You understood that proof of your friendship lay in the keeping of your distance, in accepting what was told you, in turning and walking away when the door was shut in your face instead of trying to force it open.” in response to Jude suicide attempt. Do you know anyone who forces boundaries like this in your relationship with them? What could cause someone to be like this?

Willem skirts the issue of Jude cutting himself. He has multiple opportunities to confront his best friend who is clearly suffering but never draws the courage to do so. Is it a masculine trait to ignore these clues, to not talk about things so important because it is hard or scary or uncomfortable? Have you done this in past relationships?

Why does Willem play mostly “dark and complicated” characters as an actor? They are described as often quietly violent, usually morally compromised- that inspired different degrees of sympathy. Does this have a connection to his upbringing or friendships?

Page 275- Jude explains what aspects of his new job as a litigator he enjoys. Even thought it was the opposite of what he was doing before at the U.S. Attorney’s Office (where he worked for the people and the community making a difference which would have led to being a judge or justice) and now works for “the enemy”. What, in his past, makes him enjoy this work? What about his character makes him good at it? “Had the job made him venal, or had he always been so…?” See page 301 + 398

Was it surprising for you to hear JB’s true opinion of his friends? (Page 300-306) He speaks of how boring he thinks they are and how surprised by their success he is. His extreme selfishness and superiority over others and lack of empathy makes him a sort of Devil’s Advocate character.

Page 636- Jude tells JB that he has always been lucky. Why does he say this?After all he has been through, does he mean it? In What way?

How would this book been different if the main characters were not rich and famous? Why did the author choose this storyline?

Why did Hanya choose to make the main characters men?

Discuss young Jude’s reaction to Father Luke’s arrest. Were you surprised by it? Do you think it changed over time?

How did Willem’s experience with Hemming shape him?

Do you think Caleb beat his other boyfriend?

  Vocabulary:

insensate | inˈsensāt, inˈsensət |adjective

1 lacking physical sensation

2 lacking sympathy or compassion; unfeeling

3 completely lacking sense or reason

blithely | ˈblīT͟Hlē | adverb

1 in a way that shows a casual and cheerful indifference considered to be callous or improper

2 in a happy or carefree manner

flibbertigibbet | ˈflibərdēˌjibət | noun

a frivolous, flighty, or excessively talkative person

indolence | ˈindələns | noun

avoidance of activity or exertion; laziness

parcity |ˈpärsətē | noun

frugality, scantiness

vociferously| vəˈsif(ə)rəslē | adverb

in a loud and forceful manner

scrivener | ˈskriv(ə)nər | noun

a clerk, scribe, or notary.

dross | drôs,dräs | noun

1 something regarded as worthless; rubbish

2 foreign matter, dregs, or mineral waste, in particular scum formed on the surface of molten metal

verisimilitude | ˌvərəsəˈmiləˌt(y)o͞od | noun

the appearance of being true or real

interlocutor |ˌin(t)ərˈläkyədər | noun

a person who takes part in a dialogue or conversation.

dirigible | ˈdirəjəb(ə)l,dəˈrijəb(ə)l 

1 adjective capable of being steered, guided, or directed 2 noun a dirigible airship, especially one with a rigid structure.

parry | ˈperē |verb

ward off (a weapon or attack), especially with a countermove.

Philistine |ˈfiləˌstēn,-ˌstīn | noun

a member of a non-Semitic people of ancient southern Palestine, who came into conflict with the Israelites during the 12th and 11th centuries BC

stave | stāv |

1 noun a vertical wooden post or plank in a building or other structure

2 another term for staff1 (sense 4 of the noun)

3 verb break something by forcing it inward or piercing it roughly

4 avert or delay something bad or dangerous

carapace |ˈkerəˌpās | noun

the hard upper shell of a turtle, crustacean, or arachnid

querulous | ˈkwer(y)ələs | adjective

complaining in a petulant or whining manner.

benediction |ˌbenəˈdikSH(ə)n | noun

the utterance or bestowing of a blessing, especially at the end of a religious service.

fulcrum |ˈfo͝olkrəm,ˈfəlkrəm | noun

1 the point on which a lever rests or is supported and on which it pivots

2 a thing that plays a central or essential role in an activity, event, or situation

simulacrum | ˌsimyəˈlākrəm,ˌsimyəˈlakrəm | noun

1 an image or representation of someone or something

2 an unsatisfactory imitation or substitute

civet | ˈsivət | noun

1 a slender nocturnal carnivorous mammal with a barred and spotted coat and well-developed anal scent glands, native to Africa and Asia

astringent | əˈstrinjənt

1 adjective causing the contraction of body tissues, typically of the skin

2 sharp or severe in manner or style

3 noun a substance that causes the contraction of body tissues, typically used to protect the skin and to reduce bleeding from minor abrasions

koan | ˈkōän| noun

1 a paradoxical anecdote or riddle, used in Zen Buddhism to demonstrate the inadequacy of logical reasoning and to provoke enlightenment

venal | ˈvēnl | adjective

showing or motivated by susceptibility to bribery

stultify |ˈstəltəˌfī | verb

1 cause to lose enthusiasm and initiative, especially as a result of a tedious or restrictive routine

2 cause (someone) to appear foolish or absurd

jounce | jouns | verb

jolt or bounce.

ni·hil·is·tic |ˌnīəˈlistik,ˌnēəˈlistik/ | adjective

rejecting all religious and moral principles in the belief that life is meaningless.

“an embittered, nihilistic teenager”

ob·tuse | adjective

stupid or unintelligent; not able to think clearly or to understand what is obvious or simple

tac·i·turn | ˈtasəˌtərn/ | adjective

Quiet, not speaking frequntly; saying little.

ep·och·al | ˈepəkəl/ | adjective

uniquely or highly significant.

aphorism

a short phrase that expresses a true or wise idea

ignoble

of low birth or common origin

lassitude

a condition of weariness or debility: fatigue

furtive

done in a quiet and secret way to avoid being noticed

contrition

the state of feeling sorry for bad behavior

vitriol

harsh and angry words

apoplectic

very angry and excited

uxoriousness

excessively fond of or submissive to a wife

succint

using few words to state or express an opinion

Quotes:

“Wasn’t friendship its own miracle, the finding of another person who made the entire lonely world seem somehow less lonely?”

“He experienced the singular pleasure of watching people he loved fall in love with other people he loved.”

“What he knew, he knew from books, and books lied, they made things prettier.”

“He now viewed a successful relationship as one in which both people had recognized the best of what the other person had to offer and had chosen to value it as well.”

“It had always seemed to him a very plush kind of problem, a privilege, really, to consider whether life was meaningful or not.”

“Friendship was witnessing another’s slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honored by the privilege of getting to be present for another person’s most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return.”

“…when your child dies, you feel everything you’d expect to feel, feelings so well-documented by so many others that I won’t even bother to list them here, except to say that everything that’s written about mourning is all the same, and it’s all the same for a reason – because there is no read deviation from the text. Sometimes you feel more of one thing and less of another, and sometimes you feel them out of order, and sometimes you feel them for a longer time or a shorter time. But the sensations are always the same.

But here’s what no one says – when it’s your child, a part of you, a very tiny but nonetheless unignorable part of you, also feels relief. Because finally, the moment you have been expecting, been dreading, been preparing yourself for since the day you became a parent, has come.

Ah, you tell yourself, it’s arrived. Here it is.

And after that, you have nothing to fear again.”

Homework:

Who is Malcolm Muggeridge? (Malcolm’s namesake)

Explore the work of Lee Lozano (performance artist)

How to make a Ten-Nut cake

Listen to interview with Hanya Yanagihara

Practice mindfulness

Express gratitude to friends & family

PAGE 4 | A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara Inside Cover:  "When four classmates from a small Massachusetts college move to New York to make their way, they're broke, adrift, and buoyed only by their friendship and ambition.