#it's been a while since i did a tmi post

[paranorahjones]

okay so in the interest of this being the tmi website i'm gonna go ahead and say that the effects of ovulation on women really, really need to be talked about more. so expect some major tmi. sorry but also im not sorry because there is much about ovulation that i wish i had known when i was younger. so if you don't wanna get super intimate super quickly with how my body works, you might wanna skip this one.

pretty much everyone has at least a basic idea of what menstruation entails but it seems like, for the most part, the only knowledge the general public seems to have regarding ovulation is "haha woman horny".

and i mean. that is definitely an aspect of it for a lot of women. that's what the hormones do. but there's SO MUCH MORE.

i'm just gonna talk about this in reference to my own personal experiences. i don't have the scientific knowledge to explain the "why" behind a lot of it, it's just what i experience.

first off: ovulation cramps. they are painfully real. they don't last anywhere near as long as menstruation cramps but for me at least, they are often more intense. they are a more sudden, knife-like pain and they happen in a very specific place in my lower back and down there. they usually only last for a day, but sometimes they're on and off for a couple days.

second: emotional upheaval. you know the memes about shrimp colors? that's what ovulation emotions feel like to me. shrimp emotions. a lot of women experience feeling irritable or super emotional on their periods, and i am definitely one of them. but the majority of the time, my emotions are even more affected by ovulation than menstruation. it's intense. when i'm on my period, the emotions usually manifest as major rejection sensitivity. when i'm ovulating, they most often manifest as grief, but also a myriad of other things. i'm usually a lot more sensitive to the media i consume, and a lot of times this hyper-awareness of my own feelings can be a blessing. depending on where i'm at in my cycle, i often experience a few days of hyper-creativity. being connected and understanding of my hormonal/emotional state helps me to also be more in tune with my creative tendencies. and with ovulation, i'm not distracted by the other symptoms that accompany it (except for the cramps) like i am with menstruation.

thirdly, the one everyone knows about: haha woman horny. ehhhhh . . . for me personally, not really. occasionally, but nowhere near every cycle. that might change when i'm no longer single, but for now it's just not a big deal. the way these hormones affect us vary wildly for every woman and that's normal. if we're being completely honest, i often feel ✨that way✨ more often when i'm on my period than during ovulation.

which. damn. that's gonna be inconvenient.

but anyways, i have a feeling that that has something to do with the fact that a lot of people also desire sex when they're grieving. it's a desire for intimacy in the midst of pain. it sounds weird on the surface, but it makes sense when you think about it.

so yeah. those are my main experiences during ovulation. hopefully this gave you some more understanding on what to possibly expect during ovulation, or an explanation of why you feel how you do during a "random" time of the month that isn't your period.

[jordynbreeloa777]

Can you tell me the things that you've manifested?

Take love 💖

Hi anon! Also im not FULLY DONE with all my “big” manifestations i have manifested a lot in my journey! LONG POST AHEAD👀

sharp jawline, high defined cheekbones, slim face, overall 0 face fat, and a L, V shaped jawline. I lovee that I manifested this one because people literally ask me if I do mewing, and how my jawline is so sharp I manifested this with subliminals, even though I kinda already had a defined face I definitely enhanced it to the max ✨

thicker, fuller, better shaped brows. I think I mentioned this in one of my last post but I also manifested this with subliminals & robotic affirmations, this is probably my biggest one since I manifest it in a day 😭 I swear before my eyebrows was so thin, didn’t fit my face, and was giving pencil. But now it’s so pretty and my mom always tells me “ you always look like you got your eyebrows done” and “ did you brush your brows today?” 💈🎀

smaller nostrils. Which also I used subliminals, there is a visible change in my nose as the nostrils go more /\ instead of () which I love and the tip is more rounded, im not really done with this though because I may manifest a desired nose shape instead of just smaller👀

lips, this one is kinda self explanatory but I manifested plumper lips, pinker, and pointy lip corners also by subliminals 👄

clear skin, which I love because my skin use to have tiny bumps, but it’s clear and even though I manifested this a while ago it still IS! my friend asked me for my skincare rountine which was literally a affirmation in the subliminal 🫣

hair. I’m not done with this, but my hair definitely got much thicker then it was before 💇🏽‍♀️

lashes. My lashes are thicker, but im not done with this eitherr because I want them to be a little longer so half succes story ig 🫶🏽

‘TEETH. I have braces, so I didn’t manifest teeth change, because obviously the braces is already fixing my teeth plus I love how they look on me, but I manifested white teeth 🦷

~BODY TEAA⏳

less neck lines, I got these because of fake necklaces and it made me not like it so I manifested it away💋

strong, defined, collar bones, I already had this but I enhanced it and it’s so much more noticeable!

arms. I manifested slimmer, toner, longer arms ( I already had long arms but again I enhanced them)

fingers & nails. This one is kinda big, but my nails are so long and strong even my toe nails 😭 But I cut them ofc and my fingernails break because of sports so I may manifest them to never break even though they grow SUPER fast💨

flat stomach, which I manifested using subliminals it’s literally like paper, but I may manifest for it to still be flat when I get bloated because your girl still likes to buss down food🤗

thicker thighs. My thighs don’t have a gap, and there a little toned which I lovee (also subs)✨

bigger booty meatt- this may be tmi but I had to add it. I may manifest it to be bigger but y’all… it be showing. literally my friends be harassing me everytime I wear dresses😒

🍒- I manifested for them to look pretty, there not to big, not to small there like C cup and I love themm, so mwah

taller height. I was at first like 5’4 and now im 5’6.. not to tall not to short but i love my height my Dad even asked me “are you having a growth spurt” plus my legs are so long now <3

i manifested good exam marks.. only A’s & B’s without even studying 📚

SATS.

i manifested for my knees, elbows, and knuckles to all be the same color by affirming I have a even body skintone 🤞🏽

now this is probably all i manifested in the 4 years i been in the community! I’m still not “done” with all my “big manifestations” or my “journey” but I know it’s coming to an end 💝

[adventuresasmrsfindley]

TGIF! What a week it's been. This may be a TMI post but we're all friends here right? 😅

I went in for the colposcopy (reminder, this is for the cervix, not a colonoscopy) on Wednesday. My PCP said this was precautionary but I was still pretty nervous for the procedure. Imagine my shock when the OBGYN was talking to me before and said the cells they found were more on the side of concerning and this was an "absolutely need to do further testing" scenario. Not just "let's be extra cautious". I completely broke down in that poor woman's exam room. After coming off the breast scare, her throwing around the word cancer again was too much for me. I cried for a good 10 mins while she talked me through everything. I explained what had been going on recently and apologized for being such a mess. She totally understood and was great considering this was the first time we met lol. Anyways, she said that she definitely wanted to do biopsies which I was hoping wouldn't be needed but I trusted her judgement and let her proceed with the procedure. She took 3 total, and it was definitely not a pleasant experience. The last one sucked the worst. I took ibuprofen before the appointment just in case and I'm glad I did. Luckily it was over pretty quick but I had quite a bit of bleeding (duh - she basically hole punched my cervix 3 times) so she had to use extra of the solution that is supposed to stop the bleeding and lemme tell you. It's gross. It looks like coffee grounds coming out and I'm still dealing with it 2 days later. I was pretty sore the night of but haven't had much pain after that. It's more just annoying. It's also annoying because she said the results take about a week. If they come back a level 1 or lower we will just continue to monitor with yearly paps, but if they are higher than that she is going to recommend a LEEP. You can Google that if you want to know what I'm in for 🙃 all the research I did before said most places do it in the office but she said they are not equipped for that and it would be done in an outpatient surgery room and I would be put under general anesthesia. I am hoping soooo hard that my results come back good but a week is a long time to wait!!! I am so over this year.

On top of that, I found out I'm going to be traveling to CA multiple times this summer for work. I knew one trip was very likely but was not prepared for probably having to go once a month. It's going to be a great career opportunity so I'm not going to pass it up but I am not stoked about being away from my guys so much. I'm not in a great place with my MIL either right now and she's the best equipped to help us out while I'm gone because she's retired. So we will see how that plays out...

It's a lot going on right now. I just really need some good news back from the doctor and then I feel like I can fully focus on getting our summer planned and setting us up for success since things are going to get pretty crazy I'm sure.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

related mostly to this, but also this, so... very tmi shit under the cut:

Normally, when I have tmi sex and/or scene stories to tell, I put them in the tags, but there's too much to say this time thus, a whole fucking post. No half hiding in the tags, lmao.

Last night was a goddamn religion experience. I swear to FUCK. I say scenes are godly in the most unholy way in my writing a lot and... yeah 😮‍💨

The first thing I did at the party was get my boots blacked, since I've always wanted to, and--Jesus Christ. I would have been completely chill with that being my only playing for the whole night because it was ✨️that good✨️

The bootblack that was there was criminally, unfairly good in so many ways. For one, my boots look better than they did when I bought them, and I do upkeep them myself. Secondly, he fried my fucking brain. Of course, I understood that bootblacking in a kink setting is a kinky experience and would be deeply sexual going into it. That being said, I was not fucking prepared for the bootblack to apply some of the shit he was using on my leather with his tongue. I was not prepared to have one of the leather belts that he had to work on wrapped around my neck to use as a leash to force me down closer to his level where he was at my feet so he could kiss me. With my chest pressed to my thighs, his hand at the end of some strangers belt around my throat, he kissed me, and smeared some of whatever it was he was using into my mouth, against my own tongue. I was not prepared for him to taste the leather of my boots, nor was I prepared for him to share the fucking taste (not to mention him asking if I wanted a second taste when we broke apart and me immediately going, "uh-huh," as if I were trained on command). 😮‍💨🥴 Oh. my. fucking. god.

I tipped the bootblack because, duh, and he playfully refused to accept it from my hand. Instead, he had me wedge the cash between the lases of my boots because he wanted to show off how he could untie my laces with just his teeth. He did. He fucking did. Then, he had me re-tie my own laces. I nearly fucking forgot how to tie my boots, I shit you not--and I'm pretty sure that was the point 👀

Okay, so, boots blackened and severely fucking turned on, after that I was like whatever the fuck comes up, I'm fucking good. I. Yeah.

I watched for a while. The guy who threw the party had a really big house with only a small part set as off-limits, so I wandered around until... I got approached by a different guy. I forget the exact words of his opener, and even if I remembered it, it would be nowhere as charming in text as in real life. Anyway, he was straight (ha) to the point and basically was, just, hey, you look like you're really light (for reference, think about pre-serum Steve but a tiny bit taller, I'm 5'6", not 5'4"), I bet you'd be perfect to suspend. And, oh, are you into that, by chance? When I said I'd never been suspended, he started to back off, but I was like, oh, oh no. You can't say shit like that to me and not expect to make me curious to try.

People.

I've tied other people up before, but I haven't been tied up myself in any real capacity--I've practiced shit on myself and gotten off, lmao. And certainly, I had never been suspended myself.

I have now.

I got fucking suspended.

There were anchor points in the ceiling of the basement, and we used them to their full capacity. The writer in me is, like, details details details, meaning I would fucking love to tell you what ties he did and everything but I don't fucking remember. He told me the names before we got into it so I could agree. But I don't recall in the fucking slightest, lmao. I just. Brain gone.

He did my legs (my calves to the back of my thighs) and arms (which were straight back behind me, tied together at the elbow and wrist, meaning that my arms were up toward the ceiling as I was facing the floor). (Eventually, he tied a rope around my torso at the small of my back, too, to help hold me up, that was later, though.)

But.

Before I was really suspended, I was on the floor, he had me on my back, legs folded up underneath me, arching my back to accommodate for the position and so my stomach and dick was very exposed, and he joked very casually--while standing over me, staring down and smirking, of course 🥴--about kicking me so hard that he'd leave the tread print of his boot in my stomach and. I think I died.

Fuck.

I really kinda wish he did kick me that hard 😮‍💨 I'm sure the pattern of the fucking workboots he had on would look great.

Anyway, then, later, I was not on the floor. At all. And as it turns out, I'm even more bendy than I apparently already look 💀

I don't really experience subspace in the same capacity that I experience domspace. I don't go as deep, for sure. And maybe that's why I prefer domming to some degree. That being said, suspension is probably the deepest I've ever gone into subspace. Like. That weightlessness. Every touch, meant to be stimulating--being groped or whatever--or not--like having his fingers slide between my skin and the ropes, checking to make sure nothing was too tight--made my entire body move and sway and twist. Yet, I absolutely couldn't move. I could not keep anything straight. He would touch me in one place and then suddenly be doing something else, somewhere else.

The rope he was using was sisal and holy shit. It's like jute but better because it's rougher and it hurts more. Like. Suspension obviously doesn't have to hurt. I told him I was all good with more than a little hurt, though. So. He made it hurt.

And I now have the announcment that I... I may be much more of a masochist than I thought 💀💀

I couldn't move, obviously, but I could strain against the ropes some and oh my fucking god. He edged me, jerking me off, before I came down from the tie and he swear to god I was groaning so ridiculously loudly by the end because I couldn't not strain and flex against the rope but that just made the rope dig even more into my skin. Every time I twitched it hurt a little more. Not gonna lie, I think the weightlessness and restraining and pain did more for me than the pleasure of a hand job 😮‍💨

It was incredible.

That fucking dom was incredible. He was so good at ties and suspension and so accommodating to my inexperience, listening but also creative enough to know where to push to give me more than I wanted.

Also. Because I was already fucking there and why not go zero to sixty, though, this is probably more like zero to hundred, lmao, when I came down from being suspended, he untied me, and then I gave my first blow job. It is exactly what I thought it would be, which is intoxicating. The smell. The taste. The weight of it. The power. The way he enjoyed it. Just. Yup.

I was totally fucking locked in the entire time the scene was happening, nothing else fucking existed, nothing else could have--but now that I'm out of it... I can't wait to turn around and have a sub that I can give head to in the same way. I love eating pussy, I really fucking do. It's about the heat, the wetness, the smell, the way they squirm, those noises, and the way it's so fucking easy to pull pleasure out of someone like that. And I just know sucking dick would be the same, doing it from the dom side, not the sub side. As a sub, don't get me wrong, it feels so fucking good to be used--aching, in pain, like, fucking throbbing but also totally limp, so all you can do is stay where they put you and be used. But, I just know flipped it'll be just as good and, maybe, for my personal taste, better.

Aftercare was done--that rope dom was fucking great (as was that bootblack). And before my friend, who I came with, and I left, we did little more watching, together, then headed home.

So, to simplify: first, all gay dungeon party achieved and successful 😮‍💨😮‍💨 Bootblacking experience successful and hot as shit. Suspension experience successful, also hot as shit. Giving a blowjob successful, hot, and in need of repeats.

Thanks for listening to my tmi tales, lmao

[cardboardheartss]

CARDBOARDHEARTSS D1 Chart Analysis

I actually have been wanting to do this for a while actually so here we go!

My blog is a Bharani Nakshatra, as I had mentioned in the past these natives are known to just pop out of nowhere and make their place in whichever area or part of their life they are in. I guess this could correlate with my blog because I came out of nowhere with my PAC readings and Tarot games. No introduction or backstory, just straight to business.

My blog's ascendant is in Rohini (Taurus), and my blog probably aesthetically pleasing. Taurus is an earth sign and the theme of my blog is Brown, which is an Earthy color. When it comes to photos I post, I ALWAYS make sure the artist or whoever the post has a decent picture.

5H Part of Fortune Uttara Phalungi and Ketu in Chitra (Virgo), I could say I am a bit creative in my blog but that only comes to when I’m creating Paid reading posters. This tarot blog is also one of my very few hobbies and genuine interests as well and my blog is based on readings on creative people like musicians and some actors.

8H Purva Ashadha Mercury and Mars, Mula Venus (Sagittarius). Well… majority of my followers are most definitely not from my home country hence the Sagittarius Mercury. The 8H represents the occult, astrology, etc, and that is what my blog is based on. I often times also share some paranormal experiences and spiritual cleansing situations etc.

9H Uttara Ashadha Sun, Pluto, and Vertex (Capricorn), this blog is quite formal in the way of certain topics I post and do not post to. Since the 9H represents foreign travel, as I had mentioned before, my blog is based on readings on celebrities and 99.9% of them are also not from my home country.

10H Shatabhisha Saturn (Aquarius), it did in fact take me a while to open this blog. I had to mentally prep myself for the amount of energy and work it’d take. From my perception of this Saturn being here also means that I enjoy being on the “low” on here, meaning exclusively staying on Tumblr and not focusing too much on the amount of overall Notes I have. I am honestly only here to share my insight and have fun!😚

11H Revati Rahu and Chiron, 11H represents communities, and I am genuinely grateful to be surrounded by so many fellow tarot readers and we all have the opportunity to share our own opinions and thoughts on readings. I enjoy doing exchanges with you all!!

On the downside, I’ve had numerous hate comments and reblogs from the beginning, and that is because of the Chiron placement.

12H Aswini Jupiter, Bharani Moon, and Uranus (Aries). At times, I do tend to show my raw emotions ONLY when I’m triggered but apart from that I do show my gratitude to my followers. Overall these placements, do reflect because I rarely post about “private things,” in this sense, I’m talking about TMI’s.

Thank you for reading!!

[atzjieun]

[240805 FROMM UPDATE]

[02:15 PM KST] | [01:15 AM EDT]

JIEUNIE SOPHIE hiiii tinys~ (PM 02:15)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE it’s been a while since i’ve been here, right? (PM 02:15)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE sorry for not being very active 😓 (PM 02:16)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i’ll try harder in the future! (PM 02:16)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE wow so many international atiny are awake (PM 02:16)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE it’s 1am here though? (PM 02:16)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE ah i see. i guess people just don’t sleep during sunmer break (PM 02:18)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE yes i’ve been exploring all the cities! (PM 02:19)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i know my reputation ㅋㅋㅋ but i promise i’ve gone out (PM 02:19)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE there were a few days i stayed at the hotel because i was tired, but the members drag me out often (PM 02:19)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i went to a restaurant with mingi-oppa and yeosang-oppa the other day! (PM 02:20)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE the food was so good!! best steak i’ve ever had and i ate so much i thought i’d explode (PM 02:20)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE toronto and illinois atiny!! please give me some food recommendations 😊 (PM 02:21)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i like trying local food places 🥰 it’s fun to see what different foods are popular here (PM 02:21)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE ah, what did i do today? (PM 02:21)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE well earlier i went out for brunch with hongjoong-oppa (PM 02:21)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE then i worked out at the gym for a bit (PM 02:21)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE and then took a shower and have been resting since (PM 02:22)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE wooyoung-oppa and i were watching a movie (PM 02:22)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE mamma mia of course <3 (PM 02:22)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE you guys want a tmi? (PM 02:23)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE hmm… (PM 02:23)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE ack it hurts (PM 02:24)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE wooyoung’s laying on my leg and cutting off my circulation (PM 02:24)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE he fell asleep while watching mamma mia!! a crime, really (PM 02:24)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE that’s why i came to talk to atiny~ (PM 02:25)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE no, i’m not going to send a photo of him asleep (PM 02:25)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i did take some, but those will stay between the members for now ㅋㅋㅋ (PM 02:26)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE maybe i’ll use them for blackmail later (PM 02:26)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE some people are asking for another mamma mia cover (PM 02:27)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE maybe one day! (PM 02:27)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i've been working on a lot of things in between shows (PM 02:27)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE no spoilers~ (PM 02:28)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE LOL someone's asking what i'm getting mingi for his birthday (PM 02:28)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE nice try mingi-oppa (PM 02:28)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i know its you (PM 2:29)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i might try to sleep soon (PM 02:29)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE i forgot i'm going out with the others tomorrow (PM 02:29)

JIEUNIE SOPHIE goodnight north american atinys <3 please go to sleep (PM 02:30)

a/n: jiwoo are officially no longer fighting in real time :) the details of their fight will be shared one day LMAO

a/n 2.0: the layout for the fromm post was inspired by the lovely @ateezjuliet :”)

[casswithmywholeheart]

Is there any more information you can share about your Spidey Golden Guard AU? I am absolutely frothing at the mouth over this it is literally so cool, and the art you made for it is EXCELLENT it is scratching my brain so well, you have no idea

Also I know this was asked before but it was a while ago, so would you allow fan art of this?

Thank you!!

Oh well! I coulda go on for hours and hours for this.. It's been three years but I still remember the burning passion I had for this!

This is actually just a very very vague idea in which <Hunter is a high school student who is secretly a superhero named golden guard>. I gave spiderman traits and spidey-like characteristics to his hero identity, such as joking (to hide his insecurity and weaknesses), may come across as mischievous (a social menace) but is actually just trying his best to use his powers for justice, and a masked guy who must keep his real face and name unrevealed. As a teen he is classic peter parker cause he is nerdy (for birds), struggling for everyday life at school against the bullies.

The only difference might be that he's trying to get a boy -instead of getting a girl- cause he's in love with his classmate Edric lmao edric is basically his gwen stacy. And that he had to be trans bc I'm ftm, so extra trans struggles(like wearing a binder to a fight and stuff). Also he uses a magical staff as a source of power so all his superpowers come from that, instead of spider webs or a spider bite.

I didn't specifically think of a concrete or consistent storyline or setting (when it comes to making AU's I tend to be weirdly unspecific); I just drew a bunch of doodles of whatever scenes that came into mind. All the posts were created like that. The margin ones where gg is shooting webs from his wrists are literally just brainrot doodles- I don't think that's canon. I don't think the golden guard as a hero should be bitten by a spider (he has a whole staff to use). He is the masked golden guard who uses magic powers to save people but normally is an insecure teen named Hunter(not ben); the classic story we all know.. It's as simple as that. (Since it's vague and unspecific I think it makes easier for others to hop on and enjoy with their own views!)

There are tons of doodles in old textbooks and on printouts and papers from back then.. but for now, here are some drawings that I found.

I remember the start being a random thought where I made a connection between these two because I thought their vibes were very similar.

And yes! You're absolutely welcome. I would always love to see any kind of fan art for this idea. I always think of a green t shirt with white long sleeves beneath it with a pair of beige pants when I think of spidey Hunter, but I did draw an orange hoodie once, and I don't mind if people made him wear what they would like for him to wear. Even I couldn't decide if he had round or pointy ears, but I believe he is human in this au, so even if they were pointy it would be due to genetics. (One last Tmi: I like to think his arch enemy is emperor belos who is actually his own uncle, just like how spidey's enemies are sometimes among his own neighbors.)

And last, thank you so much for giving love and attention to a silly little AU I made. 💛💛 It's so precious to receive asks like this.

[axel-skz]

SEUNGMIN IN THE BUILDING!

A/N: I wrote this half asleep 😭 I keep changing my idea for the Felix story so I moved up posting Seungmins. I love this one-shot though, it’s so cute. Right, now, song roulette. AA WE GOT ‘WAITING FOR US’! I feel like it’s been too long since I listened to it. Damn.

(No cus why is he so cute? Who allowed him to be this cute? I think he would kill me if I ever actually called him cute.)

You and Seungmin had been together for a couple months now. It was heaven.

You didn’t realise heaven was this sarcastic but it was heaven nonetheless.

You both enjoyed each other’s company a lot so you spent, some would say, too much time together. Jeongin would see you and smirk, always comedically checking the surrounding area to see where Seungmin was.

It was annoying that he would be right about his jokes and Seungmin was always right there.

One day, you both were doing your own things but like, in the same room. Because where else would you be? He was… harassing one of the members over text while watching TV. You were gaming.

You guys hadn’t used pet names at all yet (aside from you calling him Minnie) so what came now… embarrassed you to no end.

‘Baby, can you pass me my drink,’ you stupidly said while being too distracted by a part in your game to notice.

Seungmin, the cute little menace, smirked. Now he has ammunition.

‘Am I tiny? Am I bald?’ He replied, unmoving.

‘What? Is that a riddle or something?’ You paused your game to look at him in confusion.

‘You called me baby, what makes you say that?’ He grinned, resting his head on his palm.

You began to turn more and more red, ‘I did not!’ Yeah, lying seems like a great option right now.

‘Are you… saying my ears are broken? I’m picking up soundwaves from the neighbourhood? Like a bat? ARE YOU SAYING I’M BATMAN?!’ He gasped dramatically.

You stared at him blankly, ‘sometimes I think back to when I asked you out and I wish someone had run me over so I didn’t.’

‘I’m batman apparently so I wouldn’t have let that happen, sugar bear,’ he seemed a little too eager now.

‘Omg, why are you this way?,’ you whined as you covered your face.

‘I don’t know what you mean, honey nugget, I thought this was what we were doing now,’ you glared at him.

‘It slipped out, ok?! Can we forget it please??’

‘Your baby just slipped out? Wow, wierd of you tell me that. Bit Tmi.’

You got up and walked over to him. He had this smug smile on his face. He also looked confused about what you were planning.

You sat next to him then suddenly started tickling him.

He hated that and you knew it. Giggles escaped his mouth and he couldn’t look mad while he was laughing his ass off.

Eventually you stopped, ‘had enough, sugar bear?’

‘Ok, ok! Yes, I’ll stop now,’ he glared at you so you booped his nose and he blushed.

It made you laugh as you got up and went to get your water.

You heard him say something but couldn’t make it out, you poked your head back to look in the living room, ‘what?’

He was blushing like crazy and looking anywhere but you as he spoke, ‘you can call me baby or whatever if you want…’

You smiled and didn’t tease him too much about it, ‘that sounds nice Minnie. You can call me sugar bear or whatever.’

He laughed a little and then continued with whatever he was doing on his phone. The rest of the night passed without a sugar bear or a honey nugget being mentioned :)

Seungmin: You are right. *he’s suddenly stood behind me with an axe in his hand (lol, get it? Axe, Axel, Axe, Axel? Ok yeah, I think you get it)* I would kill you.

We can talk about this… I swear… I only called you cute because… of… umm… hold on, wait… I swear I can think up a good reason…

Seungmin: TIMES UP!

insert high speed chase here

Meanwhile, the boys on the side, sit with popcorn and drinks.

Minho: if he doesn’t catch her, I’ll be very disappointed, I taught him better then that.

Bang chan: you know, this is why I don’t leave him alone with you anymore.

Minho shrugs: fair.

They all start cheering as he slowly catches up but then aw as he falls back again.

YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIENDS TOO! WHY AM I ALWAYS IN DANGER WHEN I’M AROUND YOU!

Felix: if you live, I’ll bake you something!

Oh damn, totally worth it.

And suddenly I’m Usain Bolt.

[written-in-the-stars135]

helloo! just gonna dump a few questions rq C:

favorite color?

favorite book/show/movie/video game/non video game?

thoughts on pineapple pizza?

do you have any ocs? if so, would you mind yapping about them and telling me everything 👀

hope you're having an amazing day holly!! :D

Hi!!

I love purple

Oooh... for books I just really like Stormlight. Despite how little I post about it the cosmere is my main interest. I like the owl house (TV show) and for games it has to be undertale.

I've never tried it but I don't trust it lol

I doo!!! I have 2 main ones rn. I will warn you I may never stop talking if I start-

Yap under the cut

So the two main main ones are named Kahza and Kavinn. (Lore incoming)

So about 100 years before the plot Kahza’s country got into a war that broke a very tenuous treaty everyone was a part of. Due to the other country having better trade routes and stronger connections they got aid from most everyone else leaving Kahza’s people (Hivaz) too disadvantaged to win. So they lost a good half of their territory and were pushed into the dessert part of their land. As well as all ties with other nations being cut.

so for that 100 year gap the Hivaz have been preparing for a war. Kahza’s father was a general and Kahza strives to live up to him. She has a passion for her country and the concept that the war is about justice.

But there are a few problems. While she was recently promoted she is paired up with her ex. Their relationship is tense but both of them are good commanders and kahza doesn't want to cause a stir so she goes with it. And she not generally well regarded by her peers. She often comes off as cold and uncaring. She also tends to be more formal then necessary giving people a bad impression of her.

But once she gets on to the field a darker side of the war shows itself. The two generals kill an Ambassador during a diplomatic meeting. And most attacks are on civilians with no army in sight. But her mind is made up this is for her country for justice. Until something changes.

She meets Kavinn when he saves her life. She finds him in a later battle but let's him go telling him that she's repaying the favor.

Meanwhile Kavinn's country joins the war after their allies Ambassador is killed. He does not want to fight, he plans with one of his few friends to desert. Then he finds a survivor in one of the wrecked towns and he makes a last minute decision to stay.

through a long series of encounters and events Kahza decides to give information to Kavinn's country (Havalinia). That way the war will end swiftly and less casualties on both sides. And os that way she can get a better treaty for her people.

All the while tensions brew with her Co-comander (Vixtilian) wich results in a duel where the loser gets demoted. Kazha wins and gets someone else to work with her. As they work together Kahza sees her growth as a person.

Through long late night conversations after giving information Kahza befriends Kavinn and the two find they have far more in comon then they ever assumed.

Kavinn ends up severely injured in the last main battle and Kahza risks revealing her treachery to save him. The injury leaves him crippled and since he had nothing else other than his military job he doesn't know what will come next.

After the war ends with Kahza losing she returns home with Kavinn planning to live together. But she still has to tell her parents and best friend from home. She explains what she did and they basically disown her. Soon after she gets promoted. So the ending is a little bitter sweet

there are more specific scenes but I thought that may be TMI

[defilerwyrm]

Sorry if you've answered this already but could you tell me a little bit about orgasms with phalloplasty? I'm ftm and have been looking into and doing research on this every once in a while for years. If you're not comfortable with that, could you point me towards some literature about that topic specifically if you're aware of any?

I’ll do both of these at once since they’re very similar!

There are two major factors at play: testosterone and phallo. Gonna pop this under a cut ‘cause this is gonna be very NSFW and very TMI.

I started testosterone cypionate in 2017 after a dud year on T cream. Prior to that, it frequently took me around 45 minutes to get off, if I could at all; sometimes I’d just get too tired, sore, and frustrated to continue. Even then, I’d go as many as five times a day trying to get some degree of satisfaction out of it. After a few months on T (the cypionate variety), that dropped to a pretty reliable 12-15 minutes. So that was most of the heavy lifting done there.

It varied by method, still. Front hole penetration made orgasm harder to achieve; anal penetration made it a LOT easier. But even if it took 30 minutes of prep and 20 minutes to get there, my orgasms were stronger and more satisfying.

After bottom surgery, my libido came back after about a month, but I was still too sore to do anything about it. At one point I got too worked up not to try something, so I used a dildo in the shower, and came like a truck hit me as soon as the damn thing was in. My dick felt like it should’a been glowing there was so much sensation there all at once. Nearly fell over. It was great. It also was a lot briefer than pre-phallo, but frankly with that intensity I did not mind.

About two months post-op I was finally healed up enough to get myself off with penile stimulation, and for a magnificent ~8 months or so I could get off in three minutes flat. They were very similar to how that one in the shower had felt: very bright and vibrant and sudden, with super intense sensation all through my dick and whatever remains of my Skene’s glands (“female” prostate); they took a while to come down from; and one was enough.

Tragically, over time the necessary duration increased back to that 12-15 minutes, but the intensity and satisfaction with just one is still there. Right now I’m on an SSRI that makes it harder to orgasm again but sure as shit doesn’t keep me from getting horned up, but frankly it’s not doing me any good to balance that out so I’m tapering off it.

Same deal with anal penetration. It’s not instant anymore, but it still gets me there PDQ. With those orgasms, if I’m coming just from penetration alone, I feel it more internally than in my dick, but that’s why we have two hands.

Mind you, I don’t know how much of all this is psychosomatic, and bodies vary wildly; this is just one man’s experience.

Dick shaving: carefully, with light pressure, and using a high-quality safety razor designed to flex.

[septemberzacademia]

About me

Warnings: TMI (Too much information-- about my life) and Cancer. Not exactly about academics.

Hello everyone, I am September. This is my blog; I made it intending to share my experiences while navigating my way through academics-- it is a difficult field for those candidates who do not have anyone from their family or neighbours in Academia. Basically, a community that can guide them through or can observe and inculcate specific attributes. My entire bachelor's and master's journey has been a series of trial-and-miss method-based navigation. I struggled a lot, ngl.

Adding to this struggle, academics is a lonely line of work, and having no community to rely on makes it even more lonely. This blog--- well, I created it to remind myself that I am doing what I love, reach out to people who are struggling with the same thing as I am, tell them that they are not alone, and maybe create a small community of my own.

Dearest Readers,

I hope you know you are not alone. Academia is sucking the hopes out of us, but hey! At least we are doing this together, haha. 

TMI time, my situation, my lore, my story-- a small part of my story.

Well, as for me I am 25 years old. I finished my master's in Philosophy back in 2022. After my defence, I thought I would take a year off to work on my research, strengthen my CV, and work on my Phd proposal; but the Universe had other plans. My mother was diagnosed with Breast cancer stage 3. My whole world drained down the pipe; all I could think of was how I could make my mother better again, and I moved back home. After an entire year of continuous treatment, she entered her recovery era. Things were going back to normal slowly; after about 2 months (into her recovery era), I moved back to my apartment (in a different city) (I missed being by myself). I started working on my application for Phd and looking for part-time jobs. It took me 3 months of utmost dedication and zero sleep to finish my phd application. I got my application approved and had my interview on 16th April (this year). I shared about my interview and excitement on this blog. But the Universe had other plans for my family and me; my mother's cancer resurrected. And her emergency surgery was on the 16th of April--- crazy, right? I gave my interview in the hospital. But I was not in my right mind. And I did not get selected. 

While working on my applications, I did not share my intentions with my parents. They were already so stressed that adding the burden of my lengthy application process would cause more stress to them. So it was my sister and I who knew everything about this. And I never felt so lonely and weak--- I couldn't put all my baggage on my sister; she was going through the same thing. Navigating her life and seeing everything she has to do and make up for. We'll have to do this again. Please, dear Universe, be kind to us. 

Anyway, as my mother's treatment is halfway done, I have started to slowly work on developing my Phd applications for the 2025 intake. (My sister plans to start after the treatment is done. I am a pile of anxiety. So I have to start already.) 

For now, you will see me uploading posts about studying literature for my major change (I plan to shift to sociology or women's studies), Korean language and Culture, East Asian and South Asian literature, my applications (ofc), etc.

If I am being honest, I am scared. I am afraid that I might have lost a major chunk of my skills during the gap year(s) I took since I did not study. However, I am dedicated to getting better and starting my academic journey. I want to be good at learning and researching, and I also want to be a good professor. 

I guess I am sharing something so personal on this worldwide platform to tell people who are struggling with life, understanding academics, studying, how to, what to, etc., that they are not alone; I am struggling, too. We all have our own pace and ways of approaching the journey or reaching the destination(s). I also want to remind myself that I am capable and talented.

Dear me, 

I will get into a phd program, get the degree, write a beautiful thesis, become a professor, and publish my research on a grand level. I will have a place of my own and create it. I will give back to this society through my research. And I will make my mother and sister proud. This one is for my mother, my sister, and myself.

Dear Readers,

I hope you find hope in this world of darkness and sadness. 

-September

PS: Sorry for the TMI and such a long post.:)

[beansnpeets]

Hi friends. Personal stuff under the cut, as per usual. I may be asking for dating advice. 😬

How flirt??? How do I make it clear to a man that I would like to Smooch And Stuff Maybe?? Without explicitly telling him??

I would very much not normally ask this kind of thing here, but I do not know who to talk to about it. I already talked to my bestie and she is bolder than I and has more or less told me to just suck it up and tell him, but uh. I don wanna 😵‍💫 because FEAR.

I have been out of the game for so long. The apps were already getting bad when I met Jon more than 6 years ago, but I hear they are Super bad now and I'm not really interested in wasting my time. I already have my eye on SDG, obvs. It would be NICE to do a little dating before I get into something with him, but I already know I am not meeting anyone anytime soon so I may as well just skip that part since it isn't important to me, just could be fun. I am pretty sure he likes me back, but he is being RESPECTFUL and giving me space post-breakup with Jon and I have already been dropping hints at him, but perhaps it's just not clear enough.

I gifted him a photo album with a few photos he had mentioned once he wanted printed out and I hand-wrote a note thanking him for the help moving and letting me be a part of the kennel and I signed it "yours, Blair 💙" and he messaged me afterward "I love it 💙 lol", and said it was a good trade for the collar he gave me for Rollei (he also gave me a hoodie with his new kennel logo on it, which I did not order, he ordered one for me specifically and gifted it to me) and idfk where to go from that. Everything since then has been normal. He DID linger and follow me around a little last weekend when I was there to brush dogs again. We usually end up chatting whenever I am there, it's always been like that from day 1. I have told him stuff I haven't talked with a lot of people about, in terms of my family garbage. He has told me some of his also. He was one of few people I told about Jon before I bought the house. And every time we talked after that he asked me if I had "had the difficult conversation yet" (dumping him).

Anyway, yeah idk how to flirt with this guy. I am getting a failing grade in Flirt I think. I had an opportunity to make a move last time I was there, but I was too chicken to be that bold. Might try next time, but idk if I can get up the nerve.

And here is the tmi/nsfw part pls don't perceive, but I need to get it out.

I know it is quite soon still, after Jon. I was trying to leave Jon for more than a year, though. I was ready to get out a while ago. Um but I am really craving that partnership and companionship that comes with a relationship but also I would reeeeeally appreciate getting laid sometime soon because I haven't for MANY MONTHS and now that I am free from the tension of my ex I am finding I do in fact have a libido. But, again, I ain't meeting anyone here. I don't like bars and there isn't exactly a roaring dating scene for 30+ people in this tiny town. Unless I wanna go after older men, but.....ew.

Like idk where to meet people? There is no recreation here!! And I'm not just chasing SDG because he's around my age, single, a dog person, and convenient. We get along well and I am interested to get to know him and see what this could be. Also VERY attractive man. Ngl. God. The one day I showed up there and he was doing chores with his shirt off and WOWIE I melted. And those hazel eyes 😍😍

But anyway. Um. Yeah. So. I am A Yearning Mess right now and have been super unsure how to deal with it. I am terrified to be too bold, but I am thinking maybe that is the next step here. Idk how much time he is going to give me post-Jon or if he is just going to wait for me to make a move anyway to be respectful. I am tired of chasing men, I would like to be pursued by someone I like just once 😮‍💨

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

Thanks for the memories (A/N)

So.

Discussion of slightly heavy topics and maybe TMI ahead. Point is this.

A couple people might have known that this was a long time coming, but here it is: the day I officially leave the Maribat fandom.

I may continue to update a few fics that I’m genuinely passionate about, but I wouldn’t count on it.

While writing Maribat, I’ve never had the most healthy mindset. I started writing during an antidepressant-induced manic episode during September of 2020. I continued writing afterwards only out of obligation since my fic at the time, Soulmarks, was not done yet. However, I quickly realized that, when writing, I would get comments, and the positive affirmation felt amazing to someone going through a particularly bad depressive episode. I got addicted to comments, kudos, and hits. I would spend hours a day refreshing my ao3 author page constantly and bask in the dopamine I would get from every new interaction. And, in those hours, I would write until my hands hurt (and, sometimes, far past that). Because if I wrote more, I could post more, and I would get more in return.

But, as time moved on, people began to leave as they found other things to obsess over. What had been a somewhat manageable problem and mildly unhealthy mindset began to spiral. The threshold for dopamine hits kept increasing. Hits and kudos were no longer enough, I needed comments in particular, and then comments that were more than just emojis, and then… well, you get the point.

I needed a certain amount of interaction on my fics to feel happy, and I wasn’t getting them anymore. So, I did what I always did, and wrote more and more and more.

Until I woke up every morning in pain, until my fingers and arms started to hurt when I tried to straighten them, until I woke up after a nap a month ago and found my hands poised for typing in my lap.

However, for the past few months, I have been slipping in and out of mania once again, and it has made me realize something:

I don’t enjoy writing for Maribat anymore. Because, as much as I hyperfixate on things and write for hours at a time, I never once wanted to update one of my Maribat fics.

I still updated sometimes, out of obligation, but I never was happy to do it. Writing stories I used to love was like pulling teeth, I would dread it to the point where even the comments I might get weren’t enough to motivate me anymore. Because there would only be ‘a few’, and they wouldn’t be ‘good enough’, and I was no longer ‘happy’.

In fact, I was miserable.

I should disclaim that I do not believe that I am owed comments. My mental health is my responsibility and my responsibility alone. 

But I have begun to realize that, just like you don’t owe me comments, I do not owe you fics.

And, so, I am leaving this fandom. I will still be in fandom spaces, such as discords, as I have made many friends and happy memories that I do not wish to lose, but for many of you this is goodbye.

Thank you for supporting me all of these years, and I hope you all figure out what makes you happy, too.

[joyswonderland1108]

3D.

Alrighty tighty i'm finally home and i can finally make my post peacefully, i didn't want to just dive into it earlier since i was busy, not at home and it might've been a bunch of bullshit (not saying this might be perfect either but you get me)

So after the release of 3D there was a lot of opinions, very divided opinions, i gave my opinion as well, a very short post but hey don't blame me the release time was 5:00am for me lol. There was also a lot of policing.

Now i don't know if it's just me who hasn't seen that on the tl or are people completely misunderstanding some opinions. With that being said, everybody is entitled to their own opinion as much as YOU have an opinion another person has their own and YOU have no right to police them on their opinion and THEY have no right to police you on yours, as long as it stays respectful with those who deserve respect that is.

Before i start i would like to mention here @andy-wm 's post, very wise, very insightful, please do check it out :

It was very well written, nothing out of context, nothing shady and i didn't want to reblog and make the post even longer so instead i decided to make a separate post while referring to it.

Following up, and this is of course from here on my own opinion. I've seen some people call out others about "shading JK" and maybe IIIIII personally just didn't see those posts but if they're talking about the people who aren't comfortable with Jack's part then i don't know how is that shady towards JK? But again maybe this is just me missing the point of the posts because up until now i haven't seen anyone shade JK, the comments were more about Jack's part.

Again some people felt the need to invalidate people's feelings about Jack's part saying that "If they think Jack's part is bad that means they haven't listened to rap before" or "he's talking about himself he's not degrading women" or "People are not ready to accept JK the way he is because of a picture they painted of him, they're not ready to hear about him having sex" yada yada

First i would like to say that it's not about sex nor is it about JK. You mean to tell me i get JK singing about sex and the way he likes it? FUCK YEAH! TMI here but many of us are sex addicts and kinky af so saying that people are "criticizing" because of the sex is a bit.. too quick of a judgement.

Second thing this is exactly why people are saying that they prefer the alternate version better, it's still about sex but it's just JK without Jack's part. How is that not clear enough that the problem here is Jack?

"They must've never listened to rap before"

You do realize that BTS have a rap line right? Also, just because it's rap it doesn't mean i have to normalize some shit people rap about you know.. And maybe let's not generalize and speak about rappers putting them all in the same bubble, not all rappers rap about the same thing, a lot of rappers don't touch some subjects and stay miles away from them, and before you say again "the sex part" AGAIN it's NOT about the sex.

"He's talking about himself, calling himself a whore"

Okay here i have to agree and disagree. Yes he did call HIMSELF a whore but let's rewind back a bit "I'm on my Jungkook" so basically he is not talking about himself but he is talking about the him that is JK which also means that whatever he was singing about was a description of him being JK let's not forget about that.

Another thing would be that he didn't concretely call those women whores but it was heavily implied, sprinkles of misogyny here and there. Talking about women like they're a piece of meat, like they're something to get bored of, a hole to fuck and throw when it no longer satisfies you, having women lining up for you to use um..? Let's please not normalize this now shall we?

"People are not ready to accept that JK has sex"

Uhm, he's 26 years old? And i believe i myself and many bloggers here talked before about how he's not some virgin maiden of fucking course he's having sex. Yes some people still see him as the 13yo baby star candy (He's still baby star candy just not a literal baby) but many people already came to terms with the fact that he's fucking 26yo.

And those who are only talking about the sex reference in Seven to defend the fact that he's a grown up who has sex and can sing about having sex, i guess y'all are completely forgetting that the sex references didn't only start with Seven lol Need i remind you "Ramyeon meokgo gallae?" and just not to make the post longer than needed there were many instances where he openly talked about sexual stuff let's also not forget his mini concert with "Unholy".

The thing that bothers me with this whole situation is the policing about respectful opinions that not once were shady towards JK nor were they words meant about JK. Army all agreed that ON ft Sia was just not it and that was okay they had no problem hating Sia's part but now that some Army expressed their discomfort with Jack's part and said they prefer the version with JK only they are being cancelled left and right and called antis, how are they JK antis if they only like JK's part?

Another example i want to add is Abel. Remember when The Idol dropped many Army came for Jennie saying that she agreed to act in a show produced by Abel who disrespected women, made very misogynistic comments about them, sexist, yada yada. So exactly why wasn't that normalized? Why were Army calling out the misogyny back then but not now? Maybe if it was a BTS member who was acting in the show then Abel would've never been called out?

A little reminder again, some women are completely okay with misogyny actually, they think it's completely normal for women to be treated like objects and like men's property. Sorry but i personally don't think that way and many others don't think that way so if YOU think Jack degrading women like this is okay IIIIII don't have to think it's okay.

Again and again and again, we go back to the same conclusion that the whole problem here was never JK. Sue me but i love JK and whatever he does and that boy not ONE time said anything derogatory about women, heck boy even while singing about giving a massive orgasm he was asking for consent, so sexy of him!

In conclusion, i hope people can stop this whole unnecessary war about having different opinions. We're all here loving JK (not talking about actual antis and solos trying to shade him for breathing) but we don't all love Jack, we don't all love Jack's part and trust me if it turns out that the alternate version's streams will be counted/combined with the main version, a lot will only stream that one because again, they are free to like or dislike that man or the part he added to that song.

With that being said, STREAM 3D Y'ALL AND STOP WITH THE CHILDISH ARGUMENTS!!! STREAM STREAM STREAM!!! I shared the 3 playlists i use you can use them as well if you want to.

Salutation.

[pjunicornart]

Symptoms of Me (vent post... kinda)

So, my mental health has been kicking my ass as of late. I haven't been feeling the best, and lately I've been beat to shit by my autistic symptoms.

So how did I vent? With Meet the Robinsons, of course. Because I feel so connected to Lewis/Cornelius, I headcanon that he experiences my symptoms as well.

I drew Neil displaying how my symptoms/trauma manifests. They're all just little doodles. I think it's important for people to see from multiple perspectives when it comes to mental health (especially neurodivergency) because everyone's symptoms manifest differently. I've wanted to make a post like this for a while, so... here you go.

This is me. (cw: brief mentions of trauma/abusive relationships)

I space out a lot. Often times I'll get lost in my daydreams, so much so that hours could pass by and I wouldn't have a clue. This happens a lot, actually. It's the reason why I'm only able to get one artwork done a day, because I constantly space out. Another little symptom displayed here is my fidgeting. As I write this post I am bouncing my leg.

Wanna know a physical sign of autism? Toe walking! I do this a lot. I do it because carpets and hardwood floors feel weird to walk on. If I don't have my house shoes or socks on, I'll toe walk everywhere.

Music is how I connect with the world. That's why I get inspired by music so often. Since I can't formulate my words on the topic of my feelings, music is how I do that. Music helps me understand myself by putting complex things I don't understand into simple to sing along to verses.

On the topic of music, it gets stuck in my head. Easily. I can put a song on loop for five hours straight and I would never get bored of it. When I go to bed, the song will play in my head, and I'll get excited because I can listen to it again in the morning. Because songs get stuck in my head so often, I would mumble under my breath the lyrics as a tick. The same could be said for my ticks in general. Small phrases or words will repeat in my head over and over again, and I'll say them aloud. Recently, "he's tired" has been on repeat for me. I don't know why.

Wanna know ANOTHER physical sign of autism? Frequent constipation/irregular and incomplete bowel movements. I am definitely guilty of this. I've been taking fiber gummies, but it's only helped a little bit. I still go over a week without going number two. This might be a bit TMI, but this is one reason why it was super difficult for my parents to potty train me. It would hurt to go, and therefore I wouldn't wanna do it. My parents weren't particularly... nice, about potty training me. I have trauma from it. Speaking of...

Because of trauma, I HATE using toilets. This kind of ties into my age regression as a coping mechanism a bit. For multiple reasons, I wish I had a better childhood. So, I regress to a mental space where I'm a happy kid. If I'm being honest? There are some days where I wish I could just go in a plastic potty and not use the toilet. Because of the trauma from potty training, yes, but also because they're loud. Loud noises suck.

Emotions? I don't understand them. To me, it's just noise. I see no reason for them, and I hate them. But it's only because I don't understand them, and this includes my own emotions. There are times where I'm crying, and I have no idea why I'm crying. I'll tell myself there's no need for me to cry here, and I'd curse myself for being "weak", when I'm just being human. I'd judge others for getting angry, because to me, it's so easy to just suppress everything and look at things logically. I had to teach myself empathy recently, because I didn't get it when I was younger.

I freeze when I'm in conflict. I remember everytime I'd get in trouble with my dad (he was emotionally abusive), I'd just sit there and cry, with the words stuck in my throat. I couldn't get them out, no matter how hard I tried. He'd yell at me and tell me to talk, and it would frustrate him when I wouldn't listen to him, and he'd just tell me off more. He didn't realize I was shutting down due to my autism (which was undiagnosed at the time - and still is because the American healthcare system sucks). It was hell. To this day, if I'm ever in a conflict, the words get stuck in my throat.

In general, my relationship with food is negative. I avoid certain foods like the plague because they trigger my very sensitive gag reflex. Most of the time it's a texture issue. That's why I have my comfort foods. They textures and tastes are perfect! You'll notice that they're mostly warm foods. These foods warm me up in a way I really like; It's a pleasant feeling. Box mac n' cheese is my all time favorite comfort food, too. I like it a specific way: It has to be the Kraft brand with the spiral pasta, and I like it with a little bit of extra milk. It makes it creamier. By the way, I don't know why I drew that burger with cheese, because I actually like my burgers plain. Just burger and bun (same with hot dogs).

I'll be okay. Just going through a rough patch right now. I have a new AU idea for MtR that I'll explain. Eventually.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

This is gonna sound like a sad post, but is more of a silver lining post.

The good: my new health insurance is pretty badass so far and I should be able to afford laparoscopic surgery this year 🥳🥳🥳

just waiting on my insurance card to come in the mail and I’ll be able to find a doctor to start these shenanigans of trying to convince a doctor that there is something wrong.

TMI under the cut

I’m having really really bad ovary pain again. I know cysts are normal, but despite doctors telling me over and over again that I’m fine, I just don’t believe it. None of my other ovary owning friends have this much pain this often and I relate way too much to others with these types of diagnoses.

So, I’ve been having this normal-to-me ovary pain for the last two weeks. Feels like knives stabbing my ovary right? But I also rarely get this pain in my stomach below my belly button that feels like I’m ripping in half. I can tell when it’s coming and as long as I don’t bend, it’s manageable. But when I do bend, oh my goodness I swear my insides are being ripped apart.

Well, this week THAT pain has been happening every other day. Yesterday we’re in the car and I go to bend to pick up my dog to look out the window and when I tell you I SCREAMED in pain, I would not be exaggerating. Okay, this is still normal-to-me pain. Just don’t bend for a few more minutes.

Well, the pain doesn’t stop and goes from my belly button down through my V. Bearable, but only because I’m so used to just being in some level of pain in my reproductive system most days.

We get to our destination and I’m still having pain. I thought as long as I don’t bend again, I’ll be fine. Well, as I stand up, I swear my insides have now completely ripped apart (side note: while this retelling may be dramatic and not how I’d explain it to the doctor, it’s real) and i literally fall back into the car still yelling and now tears are streaming down my face. I can’t breathe, like I literally cannot catch my breath like someone squeezed it out of me. I finally get myself to breathe and as I inhale, the pain starts all over again from my stomach to my V. I’m trying to stop crying because every inhale is just continuing to rip my insides apart.

I am tangled up in my dogs leash and half in half out of the car and somehow get us both back in while screaming and crying. I was afraid to move for a while, but when I did, the pain was less.

Sometimes when I really have to pee, it feels like there’s glass in my bladder (but not a kidney stone pain). I go to pee because maybe that’s why I’m feeling pain? Anyway, the pain happens again and I can’t get myself to void because it both burns and is ripping me in half. Finally finish.

But since yesterday, anytime I have to use the bathroom, there is insane pressure on my ovary. I’m also having trouble walking because that puts pressure on it too. Not necessarily a painful pressure, but definitely pressure that’s bothersome enough.