#it's deeply meaningful to me and comes from a place of compassion

[scrawnytreedemon]

Seriously tempted to make a highkey detached headcanon/pseudo-analysis post regarding Zant and gender. Probably a bad idea.

[littlemisssquiggles]

Imagined scenario while at work: Oscar when seeing Ruby return, runs up and hugs her tightly. He notices she's different and is hypersensitive to her emotions. WBY+J watching this realize how Intune Oscar is with Ruby and her emotions and feel all the more guilty for not noticing them more. The fact that Oscar can notice, understand and act towards her feelings even more than Yang feeds this in them all, and even moreso that Ruby will show them to Oscar and be honest with him.

Hiya Miki-chan! Thanks for the inbox as always. I hope you can pardon the very, very late response. I needed a bit of time with this one because the instant I read the scenario, my head just went into overdrive with just how much I could and wanted to say about it.

What I’ve written here is days of me attempting to accumulate my many, many thoughts on this subject matter and for what it’s worth, I hope actually managed to response accordingly to it. Y’know the usual spiel with yours truly XD

Okay, so without further delay, here’s what I gotta say:

First off, love the scenario. Your description of the moment is pretty much how I would envision the Rosegarden reunion following Ruby’s return would go, more or less.

To me, a big deal and a huge indicator of the Rosegarden dynamic potentially shifting into a romance would be if their respective ways of communicating compassion for one another were to suddenly reversed.

Despite Ruby seeming to have resolved her insecurities about herself through the aid of the Blacksmith, I’d like to think that the memories of what triggered her to go to the tree in the first place would still be quite fresh on her mind.

Therefore Ruby becoming anxious around reuniting with Oscar is fitting. The last time Ruby saw Oscar was him being cut down by her own weapon. While it may have been an illusion, the fact that the sight of such an apparition was enough to contribute to her breakdown is meaningful.

I’d like to think that upon returning to Remnant and reuniting with Oscar---the real Oscar---Ruby would suddenly be quite skittish around him. As a matter of fact, I kind of had this idea that Ruby’s new attitude towards Oscar would ping-pong between her being distant and avoidant of him while in Vacuo (since the memory of the illusion’s murder would still haunt her and could possibly be triggered by any contact they make with each other) to suddenly being very overprotective of him; more so than she's ever been in the past.

Oscar has always been cautious type. As outspoken as Oscar is, throughout the series we have seen him be presented as someone who isn’t afraid to be vocal when it comes to expressing his honest feelings or opinion of something, sometimes to very blunt degrees.

Oscar is deliberate when communicating. But at the same time, he has also been shown to be careful. Careful in what he says; always being sure to take a few seconds to ponder his approach before speaking up.

When it comes to the Rosegarden friendship dynamic, Ruby has always been the one to initiate any sort of physical contact between herself and Oscar whether it be holding hands or just lightly touching his shoulder in comfort. Oscar, on the other hand, as I’ve noticed, mostly reaches out to Ruby with his words. Talking to her has always been his main way of communicating his feelings to her. And whenever Oscar speaks, specifically to Ruby, you can bet assure that his words are always going to come from a place of honesty and kindness.

Because, Oscar has mostly always been honest with Ruby even in moments when she challenges him on maintaining that (as evidenced during the events of V6 following Ozpin’s Intervention and Ruby’s Deceit towards General Ironwood during V7).

If Ruby isn’t being 100% honest with Oscar, their peers or even herself, Oscar will see right through that deceit and will even challenge her on it. That’s something I’ve always deeply appreciated about Oscar’s character when it came to his budding relationship with Ruby. He was always one to take notice of her moments of lying to herself/masking her insecurities with bravado for the sake of maintaining the mask of their “righteous team leader”.

While Oscar certainly trusts Ruby and is willing to give her the space that she needs to figure things out on her own. In the event that things become too much, he will confront her. Challenge her even.

Ruby has always been a voice of encouragement and support for her team. It’s one of the most endearing aspects of her character which, in my opinion, made her a fitting leader and an all round good friend in general.

All the more reason why it truly sucked that when she needed that kind of emotional support and understanding in return, everyone seemed to just overlook her. And what’s even more ironic is that for those of us who have been paying more attention to the dynamics within our hero group, this was to be expected.

As sad as it will be to admit, Ruby’s teammates overlooking and dismissing her clear depression/frustration is…not new.

And what’s also not new is Ruby not being as open with her team about how she truly feels. I don’t know if we would ever get a moment of Yang, Weiss and/or Blake making the realization that Ruby is more open with Oscar than any of them. And it’s not even so much that Ruby is more open with Oscar because she has a stronger connection to him either.  To me, it’s more so of the fact that Oscar isn’t always complacent to blindly follow everything Ruby says or does or allow certain things he notices off about her slide.

This is something that Oscar shares with Yang. Both care about Ruby and are willing to trust her but at the same time, aren’t afraid to confront her on her choice of actions.

To me, the perfect example of this behaviour is V7 after the whole lying to Ironwood ordeal.

The only two people shown to actively challenge Ruby’s stance to deceive the General and shared their concerns with her were Yang and Oscar.  Heck, Yang even prompted Ruby on what Oscar thought about the whole thing.

This is what made the writers’ decision to have Yang appear to take Blake’s side following Ruby’s outburst in V9 disappointing to me.  

While I understand it may have been Yang’s way of redirecting Ruby’s anger away from Blake and onto her instead, it still bugs me til today that all Yang did for Ruby in that moment is appear to defend Blake alone.

Where was her sympathy and understanding for her little sister like before?

We have seen Yang comfort Ruby in moments of emotional breakdown in prior seasons.

Heck we even saw Yang provide comfort for Ruby at the start of V9 after she fainted from hearing the news about Penny's death.

So why is it that in this particular moment did Yang not offer the same olive branch she’s always given Ruby before as the older sister?

I could’ve accepted Yang suggesting for her and Ruby go off somewhere away from the rest of the group so that they can talk things out privately and having Ruby stubbornly refuse her sister’s attempt at helping her.

I would’ve rather had a scene like that as opposed to the a single, warning “Hey!” while shielding Blake and that be it.

I know other fans have defended this scene but I’m sorry, this squiggle meister will always dislike it. Say what you will, but I will always find that scene disheartening to look at because it just gave off the vibe that in one of Ruby’s lowest moments (the calm before the actual storm at the Mad Tea party), she had no one to turn to.

No one to understand her. No one to at least TRY to understand her.

Everyone she’s legit helped with their problems and offered emotional support to in the past just turned their backs on her. Even her own big sister seemed more concerned with her new girlfriend’s feelings than hers and she’s her family!

Say what you will but…as an older sister as well as a team mate and supposed friend, Yang failed Ruby in that moment.

They all did; admittedly with Jaune being the worse offender, making Ruby's clear frustration all about him and his problems.

I like Jaune but this moment was one of his worst for me; right behind the time he took out his frustration for Ozpin on poor Oscar.

This is why the concept of Oscar being the one to help Ruby if he had gone to the Ever After makes sense and why it also makes sense why the showrunners sought not to include him in this particular arc. Yang standing by while her own sister fell apart was enough of a stretch.

If Oscar Pine had gone to the Ever After, there is no way he would’ve ignored Ruby’s growing depression.

If Oscar had gone to the Ever After, my prediction would be that the two would’ve had a similar moment to what happened canonically between Ruby and Jaune--- meaning that our two smaller, more honest souls probably would’ve gotten into a very heated fight for the first time.

We've seen Ruby and Oscar support each other. We've seen them protect each other. We've even seen them disagree with one another only to eventually stand in solidarity side by side, on the same page. However, we have yet to see these two actually argue with each other which is what I think Oscar's presence in the Ever After would've led to.

Only in that instance, Oscar would’ve succeeded where Jaune (and by extension the rest of Team RWBY) didn’t. Instead of deflecting or making the entire moment about himself, my assumption is that, similar to their moment in the dojo scene from V5, Oscar would’ve gotten Ruby to confess what was truly bothering her.

Oscar would’ve challenged Ruby to the point of breaking through her emotional walls in order to get to the real root of her problem; just as he did back in Mistral.

There is no doubt in my mind that Oscar would’ve been the one to bring out Ruby’s deepest fears and insecurities about herself and get her to openly admit that to him, even if it was at the expense of making himself somewhat of an adversary in her eyes.

Similar to Jaune, Oscar would’ve definitely called Ruby out on her shit; just like he did in the dojo scene.

Hoooooooooowevvvvver, unlike Jaune, who deviated and made Ruby’s obvious cry for help all about himself and his problems, Oscar would’ve remained true to Ruby and reminded her with sincerest affirmation of how much he cared deeply for her and since he visibly took notice of her struggles in the Ever After, Oscar would instinctively wish to do everything in his power to help Ruby.

Just as he’s always done during past interactions. And just as he promised he would do back in Argus during V6 bringing that moment from Chapter 9 full circle.

“...I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be me but, I did some thinking and I do know that I want to do everything I can to help with whatever time I have left…”

If Oscar was in the Ever After, he would’ve asked Ruby the two most important questions that needed to be asked.

“What’s really going on with you?” and “What can I do to help you?”

~LMS (2023)

[mbti-notes]

You wrote once, something I interpreted that when choosing partners/friends we can look for confirmation of ourselves by choosing personality types that are very similar or opposites, so that they complement us Ok, I'm an ENTJ and I try to make a good connection with every personality type, thanks to this blog I'm able to appreciate something in everyone However, I have noticed that I am by far the most fond of ENTP, ENFP, INTJ, INFJ, INTP. With the rest, it is rather difficult for them to really like me Assuming we are trying to win the favour of each personality type, what does it say about us which types like us and which don't? Are there cognitive functions which are crucial?

What is motivating your question? Why do you think it's important to try and make a good connection with every personality type? What are you hoping to achieve exactly? It is necessary to ask because some people are obsessed about being liked by everyone, some people can't handle being disliked, some people get a kick out of being able to "conquer" others, etc. I'm not saying any of these apply to you; I'm only making the point that it's important to be completely transparent about your motivation. If it's coming from a less than wholesome place, it might lead you in the wrong direction, developmentally.

Perhaps you hope to improve your ability to connect with people because you genuinely care about forming healthy relationships with them. If that's the case:

There are qualities and virtues you can nurture to make yourself a better friend, companion, or helper. For example: loyalty, trustworthiness, reliability, warmth, kindness, supportiveness, agreeableness, cooperativeness, patience, compassion, tolerance, acceptance, inclusivity, authenticity, integrity, sincerity, openness, curiosity, adaptability, humor.

There are skills you can build to facilitate the formation of meaningful relationships such as: listening, conversation, communication, conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, empathy or perspective taking, problem solving.

By working on these things, you generally become a more attractive friend or companion, and people will naturally be more drawn to you. In a nutshell, no matter the type, if people feel at ease and even feel good about being in your presence, they'll want to be around you more.

The list of types you are fond of is fairly predictable. They include all your fellow NTs (same temperament). They are all N types, which speaks to a disconnect with Sensing and Sensors. Among them, only two are Fs, but it is no coincidence that they are the very two F types that most closely resemble NTs. This speaks to a disconnect with Feeling and Feelers.

These patterns seem to suggest that lack of development of your lower two functions sometimes impedes your ability to get along better with the types that didn't make your list. As your type development progresses, assuming it progresses well, you should get a better and better idea of how to appeal to Sensors and Feelers. It is not a matter of me telling/teaching you what to do. It is a matter of you being able to truly identify with them. Appreciating things about people, as though they are an object of art, isn't the same as really understanding and deeply relating with them.

Perhaps you want to know if there is anything about your ENTJness that is repelling certain types. From the feedback I've heard about ENTJs in general, one of the issues at the heart of their relationship conflicts is a lack of understanding. People feel as though the ENTJ doesn't really know them, either because the ENTJ simply can't or they won't make the effort. This is not entirely the fault of ENTJs. With inferior Fi, it is genuinely difficult for them to understand people sometimes. Maybe it helps to think of the inferior function as a kind of "disability", which means we all have this disability. You have to learn to accept it and find ways to compensate as necessary.

Your question also seems to be about the mysterious idea of relationship "chemistry". It is a complicated concept because there are numerous factors that play into it, some of which are beyond awareness and control. Yes, function compatibility plays a role as mentioned, but sometimes it is a small role compared to more pressing factors such as attachment style or very specific personal/psychological needs that remain hidden from public view.

If you've put in a reasonable effort to reduce function misuse and mitigate the negative characteristics of your type, then you ought to feel good about the positive aspects of your ENTJness and wear them proudly. However, remember that some people will be put off not only by your negative ENTJ characteristics, but also the positive ones, because they are suffering personality development issues that distort positives into negatives. For example, some people see "kindness" and call it "weakness", because they have some deeper issue of fearing exploitation. These psychological issues create a wall in relationships and there's not much you can do about them because you aren't the right person to change their mind. The existence of these psychological walls means some people just aren't relationship-ready, unable to meet you halfway no matter how much effort you put in.

An important aspect of being good at relationships is understanding when a relationship isn't meant to be. You can't compel people to like you. With inferior Fi, it might be difficult for you to fully grasp, but some people like what they like and they just don't like you. There may be no rhyme or reason other than it is just their preference and you don't meet it. If someone just loves apples, you shouldn't blame yourself for not being an apple. There's nothing you can do about such cases because it's really not about you on any personal level. When there is a lack of chemistry and it doesn't appear to be anyone's fault or doing, it's best to accept the fact and move on.

[lifepoast]

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆ nichijou ☾ ﾟ｡⋆₊ ⊹

i finished nichijou today. it was the perfect watch for my life right now. i'm very busy, lonely and am not enjoying everyday things. i'm in the process of moving out of an apartment i have loved so much for 2 years, and i'm doing it alone because my roommate is out of town until well after our move-in date.

i'm very sensitive to the idea of serendipity and things coming to my life for a reason, even (or especially) little things like an anime from 2011. what are the chances a random piece of media falls into my lap and resonates deeply at the exact moment—and in the exact way—that i needed it to?! in truth the actual miracle is that no matter what i watch or read, my desire to connect with something outside of myself is so strong that it's like i can do it to anything in my path. and in further truth it's not actually a miracle at all, because this is to say nothing of all the other pieces i watch and read in the interim and fail to finish because they don't resonate. (i have tried to pick up many books since my last and have put them all back down—sir gawain and the green knight, crime and punishment, perfect spy...). of course it's more likely i will have resonated with something that i liked enough to bother seeing it through to the end in the first place. i know that, and yet it all feels so miraculous anyway. that must be the thesis of nichijou rubbing off on me—that "our ordinary life that passes us day by day may actually be a series of wonderful miracles." ୧ ‧₊˚ 🎐 ⋅

what i love the most about this—about nichijou—is its suggestion that satire and comedy can be compassionate. sometimes i think this doesn't occur to people at all. in the toolbox of things that can make a great satire, compassion is overlooked in lieu of tools that can be more construed as weapons: bite, caricature, sarcasm. many would argue satirical intentions are noble. the work of satire is done so that its author may ask something good of its audience: to be more discerning, to put certain illogical behaviours away, to recognise things for what they 'are' with fresh eyes. so is nichijou even satire? i think so. i at least think it uses the ethnographic methodology of satire (highlighting and exaggerating mundane blind spots), only to ask its audience of something different, for once: not ridicule nor criticism, but gratitude and tenderness.

if i imagine vividly enough, stay lucid and self-aware enough, and stay optimistic enough to forbid disaster from ending my narrative, anything that happens in my day-to-day could be reinterpreted into oblivion until it becomes a ridiculous, overblown, dramatically and situationally ironic nichijou skit. and like in nichijou, i could fashion any little thing into a miracle. but to do this faithfully to the series' mechanics, i would have to let go of self-consciousness and control. nichijou wouldn't be nearly as fun to watch if its characters reacted by letting the insane, illogical world they inhabit beat them into submission—if they resisted the narrative's push to treat every little thing in life with equal weight. through everything they maintain their sincerity, and tend to their friendships, and they hold fast to their ridiculous plans and ideas, and everyone and everything around them is all the better for it—not least of all the show's humour.

but i guess nichijou made me emotional today because it made me reflect on my days in high school. it shocked me to realise that what few meaningful and lasting memories i have of it are entirely confined within the friendship i had with my two best friends, no one else. even though they probably know that, i wonder what they would feel if i said it to them. how else to phrase it? you were my life. you are my frame of reference when i watch bittersweet tv shows about being a high schooler. when the tv shows go for the low-hanging fruit, when they reach for my nostalgia and ask, "don't you miss this?" i think of you—which is another way of saying, i say "yes." i haven't talked to either of them in a very long time now.

the three of us were so in tune, so similar, it felt like our personal faults were contagious. we felt like a three-way mirror. and i think in front of a mirror, we are all are afraid to be sincere, and to let go of self-consciousness, and control. so when we were in high school together, we let the chaos around us make us obsessed with those things, and that was a logical response, because we simply didn’t know how much better we could have made things for ourselves. how could we have?! we were so preoccupied with avoiding being “cringe,” otaku shit like nichijou and the lessons they wrought were off-limits!!

━━━━━━━ ˖°˖ ☾☆☽ ˖°˖ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

[2n2n]

Minamoto Teru.... some thoughts

We’ll get one thing out of the way-- obviously, the training Teru was put through by the Minamoto clan, was both isolating and abusive. He did not get an opportunity for a normal childhood, nor any meaningful amount of time ‘off’.

the composition of this image is important-- Teru flanked by an entourage of adult men, walking to an unknown destination. The only child in this group. In the background, an arcade sits-- a place Teru has never, ever been. A child who has never so much as enjoyed a crane game. He’s covered in wounds, and his eyes are blank, glossy, wet, out of focus. He’s anxious, scared.

Every young Teru we see is covered in some amount of wounds.

More under the cut!

bandages around wrist, bandaid on face, escorted away by adult man.

nothing but adult men waiting outside. Our bandaged, wet-eyed Teru.

He’s not had a moment to himself since being swept into this. School, or work. That’s it.

... I do not think the Minamoto clan leader, their father, is a good, kind, or compassionate man. He is willing to put his own children through the ringer, and he rigidly enforces a dogma that, whatever it was, has sunk deeply into Teru-- likely through the vector of harsh punishment and lessons taught by physical risk. The Minamoto clan places their work first, their duty is their only obligation, and anything else, even love for their family, comes second. I’m sure Teru once was similar to Kou... and even had sympathy/pity for some Kaii he came across. I’m sure he was doggedly shown why that’s unacceptable and forced to watch any amount of brutality until the absoluteism was grasped. I’m sure there was no allowance for anything but complete loyalty.

...but does Teru truly believe in that dogma? He appears very extreme to us, but for a Minamoto, I think he is actually very weak, and relatively speaking, overly soft, accommodating, and creates allowances and excuses for things..... because Teru himself loves his family, more than his duty.

Teru will disregard the rules, because he does not want to make his family hate him.

Teru probably hates their father... and perhaps the entire extended Minamoto family. He doesn’t want to become that sort of figure to Kou, or to Tiara. He doesn’t want to do what dad did, to Kou! 

He can’t even bare to harm Mokke, as it would make his little sister cry. A Minamoto being clad in Mokke-centric gear would surely be a hideous disgrace

I’m sure their father’s mindset would amount to killing Mokke in front of Tiara to make a ruthless point. You know, that sort of thing.

Teru is unable to handle any disapproval from Kou or Tiara... in an after-school Hanako-kun chapter, Kou snaps at Teru, which completely erodes him instantly. 

..... I think faced with allying with his family, or his duty.... Teru would actually be forced to choose his family.

............................................ but this is a little frustrating, isn’t it? ... Teru’s belief system is neither an entirely earnest Minamoto dogma mindset, nor a compassionate mindset, towards anyone other than his immediate loved ones. Though, valuing only the lives of those you treasure, is pretty standard in this manga. Seeing other lives as disposable, insofar as you are accommodating your own preciousness, is what we do here in JSHK. In that case though, we should see Teru as no more noble than Hanako, willing to kill Aoi for the sake of Nene.... except uh, Teru is eradicating thousands without their will, so, that’s not actually.... equal.. to me... he’s upholding a system of oppression. He is maintaining a rigid power-dynamic where Kaii must stay on the bottom, must be corralled and penned like vermin. Kaii only have a small amount of circumstantial protection within the school, and are eradicated the moment they step outside of it. The Mysteries ‘protect humans’ within the school... and in exchange, they themselves ‘get’ to exist without immediate Minamoto expulsion. It’s not a fair existence, but it is the way it is.

Teru does not have a belief system based on compassion and sympathy. He is playing by his family’s rules, now, to avoid a backlash he could not handle. But he doesn’t actually value this system. It could likely all burn to the ground, for all he cares. He resents the shrine workers, and he resents the pleasantries. He resents what the Minamoto clan did to him. He does not respect, or admire, or adore, them. This is not a man who loves his bloodline and his dogma, this is a man who loves 2 people close to him, who is also being subjected to a cruel system he has no power to escape without being subjected to punishment.

Teru does not want Kou or Tiara to ever have to be subjected to what he was subjected to. 

All of this said, I can’t..... enjoy.... condone...... Teru.... as.......Teru’s ruthless about Kaii at the moment.... he is not merely put out sadly performing his duty... he is absolutely vicious,

He completely dehumanizes them. Even his physical abuse of Akane is about this. Akane is associated to Kaii, so its OK to treat him as less than human and vent his frustrations onto him. Kaii.....They are not individuals to him. Mitsuba and Hanako are met with the same disdain and disgust as anything else. It is the Minamoto clan’s pressures that create the obligation to dethrone the Mysteries, for their own protection-- because they would simply be slaughtered if enough humans were placed into danger. 

Human lives are more valuable than Kaii. No matter their personhood, no matter their story. Teru finds their plights pointless. They must simply pony up and disappear already.... face their miserable stations, and stop inconveniencing humans... stop inconveniencing him. He kills so many a day, it has become tedious.

so... when comes time to deal with something like Hanako, Mitsuba.... it’s troublesome, and just another doldrum.... truly another cockroach.

.... he really does see Kaii as things to resent. 

a consistent expression. Kaii make his life inconvenient.... Kou is jarred by his brother’s unmitigated expression of hatred. The expression of someone who sees these people... as nothing but problems for him.

............................ but if Kou were to become a Kaii, what would happen? ....I think this belief system would simply disappear. I think Teru could turn on a dime, as he’s implied.... ... Tiara herself also likes Kaii, though she uh, makes one her, slave, (classic Minamoto family instinct ig), , so, it’s not looking good for Teru’s current behavior to continue infinitely. Submit to being hated by them, or bend more? So far, with Kou, he was trying to submit to being hated, delivering harshness, calling Kou weak, finally, in no.6′s boundary. If Kou becomes no.6, then what? hmmm............

.....That’s a little frustrating, isn’t it? While a part of the oppressing system in power, Teru will simply uphold it... but the moment those close to him enter into it, he would defend and join that side. 

..... that’s I guess to me like a cop creating special exceptions for only his bestest buddies, while killing whoever they please every other day without remorse or concern. Choosing not to respond critically about things, until they become personally relevant.

He’s... not a respectable character, to me! Teru only sees the personhood of those close to him, and will create any exception for them, all while subjecting the rest of the world to the harshest judgement. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY! Dear reader. Obviously the manga wishes for us to sympathize with the circumstances Teru is forced under, and the difficult choices he has to make, in honor of human lives........ WHATEVER!  I think this, sucks, no matter how abused Teru is.... no matter what some Kaii do. You may as well slaughter all humans because some commit mass shootings....! You may as well ascribe to eugenics, believing dangerous individuals should be pre-exterminated before they can create problems in society! Humans can destroy thousands of kaii, slaughter entire clans of anything, roam forests exterminating them like bugs.... if kaii kill humans sometimes, that’s merely a level playing field, at that point....! We see atrocities from both sides, we see selfish, brutal acts of violence in every direction, we see humans hurt humans, we see Kaii hurt Kaii! Seems like everyone’s an individual with BEEFS.... I’M WITH TSUKASA!!! WE GOTTA BREAK ALL THE RULES, THE RULES SUCK!!!! WE GOTTA LET KAII HAVE SOME RIGHTS!! If it breaks the world then it was meant to be broken, THIS PLACE SUCKS! We’ve got Kaii sobbing desperate just to please be allowed to exist in the CORNER OF A BACKROOM and a DIRTY OLD BATHROOM ... the Minamoto clan can fuck themselves! I hope Teru is FORCED to finally contend with KAiI RIGHTS when HIS OWN BROTHER BECOMES ONE and HIS OWN SISTER LOVES THEM...! How about you make a goddamn change!! Tsukasa’s the only mfer trying to free us all from this system, that’s what I think! This is getting out of hand. Thinking about Teru does this to me. ok. Post over

[ayandagz]

"Empowering Compassion: The Heart of Client-Centered Practice"

Client-centered practice is the foundation of caring and efficient treatment, which puts the needs, values, and preferences of the individual first. With this method, the client actively participates in their own path to wellbeing rather than just being a recipient of services.

It is also known as client-centered therapy or person-centered therapy. It is a humanistic approach to therapy and counseling that emphasizes the client's autonomy, agency, and self-direction (Witty, 2007). During my fieldwork I used this practice which helped me priorities and place my client at the center of the therapeutic process and viewed them as the expert of their own experiences and needs for effective sessions, intervention, and outcomes. Client-centered approach strives to increase trust, encourage autonomy, and improve the general standard of care by creating a cooperative and empowered atmosphere.

I find that adopting a client-centered approach is really fulfilling on a personal and professional level. I have personally witnessed its transformative effect in creating genuine relationships and promoting holistic intervention in my professional life. Client-centered practice makes care more individualized and efficient by putting each person's particular needs and viewpoints first. Client-centered approach considers the variety of clients' identities, experiences, and backgrounds by adopting the values of inclusion and cultural humility. I find great satisfaction in advocating for the voices of disadvantaged groups and encouraging fair access to care because I appreciate diversity and social justice. My personal approach to client-centered practice stems from a strong sense of empathy, compassion, and dedication to advancing each person's autonomy and well-being that I come into contact with, this comes from being raised by a very strict and loving mother, even though at times I end up spending more time with my clients to make a positive impact in their lives.

Occupational therapists aim to enable their clients to learn how to do what they need and want to do and assume that the clients are the experts in their lives. The implications of a client-centered approach for practice are that clients and their families should be asked to identify occupational performance needs (Casteleijn, 2012). My own strengths include empathy, the ability to deeply understand and resonate with the emotions, experiences, and perspectives of my clients is a significant strength. This empathy allows me to establish meaningful connections and create a safe space for clients to express themselves openly. Some of my other strengths include active listening, cultural sensitivity, collaboration, flexibility, and reflective practice position, as an effective practitioner in client-centered care. These qualities not only benefit my clients but also contribute to a fulfilling and rewarding my professional journey.

The interaction between facilitator and group, building a trusting relationship and climate, and individual employees’ realness and readiness to risk crossing boundaries between self and difference and to address stereotypes (Cilliers, 2004). During my client-centered practice, I encountered a diverse range of individuals with unique backgrounds, experiences, and needs, also people with different age groups who are in different stages of life.

The essence of client-centered therapy is a relationship between two sovereign human persons in which the therapist’s skilled “performance” requires being oneself! It involves the complexity of reflexive awareness of one’s being-in-relation with oneself and the client (Witty, 2007). As I engaged with clients, I practiced active listening, demonstrating genuine interest in their concerns and perspectives, my empathetic response allowed me to connect with clients on a deeper level, fostering trust and rapport. I asked open-ended questions to encourage clients to express themselves freely and explore their thoughts and feelings more deeply.

In conclusion, client-centered practice embraces the values of empathy, respect, cooperation, and cultural humility, is a shining example of successful and compassionate healthcare. By prioritizing the unique needs, values, and preferences of each individual, this approach fosters meaningful relationships, empowers clients, and promotes holistic well-being.

As we've explored, client-centered practice is not merely a professional technique but a philosophy that guides practitioners in honoring the inherent dignity and agency of every person they serve. It celebrates diversity, embraces inclusivity, and champions the voice of the client as central to the care process. As we continue to strive for excellence in our practice, let us remain committed to upholding the values of client-centered care, recognizing the transformative impact it has on the lives of those we serve.

Bibliography

Casteleijn, D. &. (2012). South African Journal of Occupational Therapy 42 (2). Incorporating a client-centered approach in the development of occupational therapy outcome domains for mental health care settings in South Africa, 8-13.

Cilliers, F. (2004). The Person-Centered Journa 11 (1). A Person-Centered view of diversity in South Africa, 33-47.

Witty, M. C. (2007). Client-centered therapy. In Handbook of homework assignments in psychotherapy: Research, practice, and prevention, 35-50.

VIDEO: (Carl Rogers ~ Facilitating South Africa)

(What is a person-centred approach?)

[bonbon-bonny]

^_^ Happy Chinese new year everyone! :D Today is Year of the Dragon! Chinese new year is one of my favorite holidays, and back when I was in my home country I used to either dance or do judo demonstrations for the festival they held for it. (back when I took Judo. ^_^; unfortunately on one such festival I needed to break a board, and I accidently knocked my sensei over because I didn't do it right. Boy THAT was a very embarrassing day.) Anyway since it is new years I thought it would be a good time to reflect on everything that has happened this year from where I started then to where I am now. Last year, before the new year started, I was in a very hard place. I was stuck in a job that constantly overworked me, and stressed me out only to barely make any money worth saving. I felt hopeless, lonely, and inadequate in every conceivable way. In order to try and cope I had started writing a story because I had always wanted to be a writer but never had any inspiration to write anything meaningful. So I said fine, whatever, I will write stories I enjoy, even if no one else does because at least at the end of the day whenever I was feeling down I could go back and read them and feel better because they'd definately be the kind of stories I enjoyed XD I had poured so much time and effort into this story and after I finished I felt much better, but also a bit sad. It still felt like my life lacked meaning because I was certainly too shy to show anyone my work. Still, I decided it might be nice to make it a picture book and put it out there so at the very least I could say one day I did something. ^_^; I tried on my own at first because I am used to asking for help and not receiving it, but I quickly realized I just couldn't do it on my own and so I set about connecting with people who had the skills I didn't, and with the very little money I had my writing began to turn into a storybook. But the most amazing part is that when I did reach out to people about my project, about what I cared so deeply about, people reciprocated. They didn't make fun of me, they didn't judge me or tell me that I was silly for wasting their time on my story. ^_^; even if i was paying them to provide a service, it still felt very nice to feel valued and seen. These people helped me out in more ways they could possibly ever know. They showed me kindness and compassion during a time in my life where I didn't feel as if anyone else did. Because of them I started to change my perspective. Throughout the year I had come across many valuable lessons that showed me that my thoughts and feelings mattered, my voice mattered, I mattered. Honestly there is simply too much to write to express all the lessons I have learned but perhaps the biggest, at least from my perspective, is that it's always important to express compassion and kindness as much as you can with others. You don't know what someone else is going through, even if they smile at you or hurt your feelings. So today on this New Years I might be in the middle of trying to move back to my home country, wondering about how I'll have to start working from the very bottom just to start my life all over when I'd rather spend my time volunteering, I am surprisingly much much more happy than I was last year. I'm not scared to look towards my future, because even if I'm not sure what exactly will happen next in my life, I know it'll be full of pastels and colors no matter how grey the world around me might seem sometimes. And of course I wouldn't be here today if it hadn't been for the help of those who grabbed my hand when I was desperately reaching out. Thank you so much everyone <3 Happy Chinese New Year!

[solusidigital21]

Time Is Running Out! Suppose About These 10 Methods To alter Your Meaningful Jewelry Kaufen

meaningfull jewelry

We took the time to really feel what it was prefer to be deeply seen by another human being. Use this form when you've got come throughout a typo, inaccuracy or want to send an edit request for the content material on this web page. For basic feedback, use the general public comments part under (please adhere to guidelines). For my own section (Zachary’s story), the hand-drawn approach is a style I was most comfortable with and one thing that's extra manageable throughout the tight timeframe. Rather than only transitioning between the 2 states of the posting section (visible and hidden), the action of posting may very well be related to an animation that clearly transitions between you writing a put up, to the submit being revealed. In our more and more fast-paced society, during which we glorify being busy and deal with countless demands on our time, life can usually really feel like a battle to sustain. Basically, he’s saying that means is like an equation-add or subtract value variables, and also you get kind of which means. Following different philosophers who write on the meaning of life, I maintain that in discussions of the which means of life, "meaning" is mostly used in the second sense-that is, that of worth or worth.

As a few of the accounts are by individuals who're quite younger, animation helps present the anonymity wanted for the accounts. In gentle of this, I want to ask you: How does no matter we're doing to contribute to the beauty, meaning, and wellbeing of the world, make any sense except we're doing that within the context of guaranteeing that there are people left on Earth to have fun, obtain, and carry it ahead? Inside the police bus, we exchanged tales, feeling a way of joy and accomplishment. What appears most constant, nonetheless, is the deeper awareness that is a witness to all of this and even this seems to have various layers to it as it is skilled from the inside. However, beyond that is a point the place the soul seems to open up into Spirit. What seems much more fixed is what we call witness consciousness. In my dream, I had deeper consciousness of the approaching and going of varied varieties of phenomenon in the sector of thoughts, consciousness or no matter name you need to provide it. This is how I hold all of the phenomenon that I spoke of above.

” In other phrases, I don’t exist in the way I assumed, standing apart or above a ground of Being. Walking in direction of the police bus I reminded myself to look as much as the sky and touch gratitude for the sunshine above me. Walking on the Earth grew to become a miracle. Looking down, feeling into my toes, I remembered to contact gratitude for the Earth beneath me. I breathed deeply and let the feeling move into and by me, holding in my heart compassion and gratitude for her courage. Wow. I have such a feeling of deep, deep gratitude for Extinction Rebellion New York City (XR NYC). We also knew that a few of our pals can be transferred, to spend the night time in one other location, the notorious ‘Tombs,’ the detention middle of new York City. We knew what to expect and the way to reply. We knew in our bones that it was price putting ourselves, our bodies, on the road for that.

Since the jail segregates men, based on state notion of identification, we knew it would be a type of ‘men’s circle.’ We knew we wanted to be collectively in some strategy to support each other, and to deepen our connections and dedication. What occurred to me in a distinct approach is how thoughts seemingly come out of nothing and go back to nothing. From this observing house, I’m watching feelings, ideas and even self and holding them as object. It’s actually extra difficult, however the self is consistently changing and when situations change it can cease to exist as an observable phenomenon on the planet Earth. As my insight deepened still additional, I realized at another stage that my character or higher self-identity is absolutely no completely different though it's a phenomenon that persists for an extended time period. Step one is to take word of your liked ones’ likes as well as dislikes, traits of personality in addition to accessories that you just typically notice sporting. As properly we all the time give 100% customer support and are innovators in our field.

Instead, we will set aside blocks of time (guarded effectively) for working on our minds. Then, we sat down collectively in our circle and set some intentions. They come in shorter, informal types, or you can opt for a more elegant set of tassel earrings. People with greater ranges of training and better incomes are usually extra probably to mention their family and profession as issues that give them that means than are folks with decrease levels of schooling or decrease incomes, respectively.1,2 Mentions of service and civic engagement are typically larger amongst these with extra schooling. You can work towards your children’s happiness by giving them love and spending quality time with them, ensuring their basic wants are met, ensuring in as much as attainable that they are wholesome, encouraging them to get the mandatory schooling for the profession of their selection, and encouraging them to work together with household and friends. I've now a greater sense, in my body, of the mission and the power of their commitment and love. Just now, scripting this has introduced a deep crying release to my body, with tears flowing, and I’m holding tenderly my very own face and chest in my palms.

Our hands and arms have been aching from being restrained behind us, and we couldn't sit again. In a Western context, I might equate this with the ground of Being and with Emptiness in Buddhism. Two well-liked and considerably alternative ways to look at it are represented by Eastern and Western Mysticism. Responses are weighted to be representative of the adult inhabitants in every public. These variations help clarify why the share giving a specific answer in sure publics may seem a lot decrease than others, even if the topic is the highest mentioned source of that means for that given public. I ask you to contemplate participating in what could show to be the greatest and most powerful mass movement in human history: a movement of movements. We took time to actually welcome and begin to hold space for our experience, grounding it within the soothing sensations of the load of our our bodies, the breath flowing in and out of our lungs, the rhythmic movements of our bodies.

Despite the fact that it was simply a very short time in jail, it was such a relief to be out. Choose your supplies, size, and even an inscription that will mean one thing. I have decisions about what I will identify with as me in any explicit moment. I invite you to become involved, to add your voice and your contribution, in your personal unique manner - to participate in perhaps the best single historical moment of our species, as Joanna Macy calls it, The good Turning. The last word nature of actuality would be Emptiness within the sense of phenomenon being empty of really standing apart in any meaningful way from the all. But not everyone’s expertise was optimistic that day - some of us had the sense of being intimidated and harassed. The Buddhists can be inclined to say that the self is “empty” of inherent or non-contingent Being. Within the East, the tendency is to say that Atman equals Brahman or that basically your deepest self is God.

Therefore, they're subsumed in a larger subject and from this area I can label them as phenomenon slightly than self. In all of the circumstances that I mentioned, the worldview of Buddhism would advise to carry all phenomenon as a dream. Again, since all of this was arising in a dream state, I am simply reporting observations and never defending what I observed. Again, nature makes some values, and culture provides a truckload of additional ones. Many others resist and rebel at what their tradition has chosen for them. In other phrases, like we have a stream of ideas, I sensed or felt a stream of “identities” dissolving and arising once more. Next, we sat and allowed ourselves to get in touch with our our bodies, our feelings, our thoughts, and the emotions flowing through us. Tune in for the stay hour-lengthy broadcast with Rabbi Simon Jacobson to get real solutions to your actual…

[wof-reworked]

I don’t want to reblog the post in question because like. I generally like the people involved in it but there’s a post about Qibli going around rn that is making me legitimately kind of mad so let’s talk about Qibli and where Tui fucked up with him, but also where she didn’t

(this is going to get a little bit aggressive, I might end up deleting this because it is an impassioned rant of sorts, but it’s on my mind as more people talk about Qibli)

(please, keep in mind: I don’t think all of his behavior is healthy. This dragon needs some goddamn therapy. But I think the distinction between unhealthy vs destructive is important. I talk about this later)

SO.

The idea that Qibli is manipulative for having very clear self loathing and trauma is, quite frankly, disgusting?? Like did you forget that a really, really common trauma response is to latch onto people who are kind to you in your life??? The idea that Qibli only acts like he cares about Thorn, his fucking adoptive mother, to get her to pay attention to him is a wild stretch and such a butchering of their relationship I’m genuinely still trying to comprehend it. 

 Qibli thinks Thorn hung the moon because, honestly, when you’re deprived of kindness, having it freely given feels like magic. And Thorn is one of the few dragons in Qibli’s life that has given him any amount of genuine compassion. And we see this with Moon too, the fact she thinks of him as smart and kind himself is something new and kind of shocking for Qibli. This is only emphasized by the fact she’s seen into his thoughts and finds someone she loves there. He thinks of Moon as being way too good for him (and he doesn’t understand why she likes *him*, or if she does at all) and it shows. 

 Like I know the point they’re trying to get at with this analysis, but it’s such a strange reading of the text. Qibli comparing himself to Winter in his thoughts is not the same thing as him pressuring Moon to choose him, if you remember, Qibli still has a piece of skyfire, meaning his thoughts are blocked from Moon’s. He isn’t thinking these things in an active attempt to pressure Moon, these are just his thoughts! He isn’t trying to pressure Moon into being in a relationship with him, he is just a deeply self loathing character, and her response reflects that with how she replies “don’t overthink this. say yes” BECAUSE QIBLI HAS BEEN, IF ANYTHING ELSE, DELIBERATELY AVOIDING TRYING TO PUT HER IN A POSITION WHERE SHE IS HIS ONLY OPTION. LIKE THIS WHOLE BOOK IS HIM GOING “I don’t want to pressure Moon into a relationship, I love her but I want what’s best for her”. AND SHE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE KNOWS SHE’S SINCERE AND WANTS THIS TOO. 

And related to this: Him thinking about Winter is not about trying to garner sympathy from Moon or make himself the one who needs her attention, it’s based off genuinely feeling Winter brings more to the table and would be better for her. I’ll say it again: Qibli is a deeply insecure dragon who doubts his own skills constantly, that’s the root of him comparing himself to Winter. 

SO: EVERYTHING I’VE DESCRIBE IS UNHEALTHY. LIKE THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY WAY TO LIVE. BUT IT’S NOT MANIPULATIVE. I think what I would call Qibli is, more than anything, codependent. His relationships with Moon and Thorn involve idolizing them to an unhealthy degree and placing them on a pedestal where everything they do is right. I would’ve loved to see this get actually explored in canon. 

Now. I do want to point out Qibli’s book is not actually very good lol. Qibli is also never wrong, which is boring and bad storytelling. He solves everything put in front of him and always comes out perfectly fine and forgiving. I would’ve loved to see him as a more complex character, and honestly a better written character here’s how BPD qibli can still win- *I am dragged off-stage by a comically long hook*

And it’s worth mentioning: Part of Qibli being written without meaningful flaws is that this is presented as his genuine thoughts and feelings and reality. Qibli is not an unreliable narrator like Darkstalker or Peril. So the idea he’s “acting” or otherwise pretending to have these feelings is a really bad read. 

Not to get personal, but Qibli as a character matters to me a lot. As someone who struggles with a lot of the same inner monologue to the point of being brought to tears when I read this book the first time, this book and the message mean a lot to me. The idea that that inner monologue is indicative of being manipulative is the kind of rhetoric that lead to me feeling like I was manipulating people into caring about me when I shared my problems. That idea has actively sabotaged relationships in my life, and I cannot stress how much I hate it. That the only way to be mentally ill is to suffer in silence away from the world because sharing your feelings with loved ones is forcing them to care about you. 

I understand being annoyed by Qibli’s narration. I like a lot of Qibli critical analysis. Do not take this as me mindlessly defending this character. But I do not like the rhetoric I’m seeing passed around AT ALL. 

so y’know. If you can have compassion for Winter, you can have compassion for Qibli. 

[autisticgayngel]

Canonverse Castiel-centric/pining/loving Cas fics

some of these are Dean's POV and a lot are alternating POV, but all of them really delve into Cas's emotions and his love for Dean. All canonverse and all happy endings. Categorised by post-confession, pre-s15 curtain fic and other canon-era. Descending word count within each category. If anyone has any recs for things I should add lmk!

Post-Confession Fics

things happen (they do, they do, and they do) by sobsicles 28k rating E

Everyone has recced this, and for good reason, it's stunning. Cas gets back from the empty and Dean sort of lets him down gently and is very worried about breaking his heart. Despite this Cas is finally able to express to Dean how much he loves him and takes full advantage of this. He's earnest and sweet and so intense about it, but also incredibly hurt about the lack of reciprocation, though he tries to hide it. He does get the love he deserves in the end and it's so good!

closer (isn't close enough) by fleeceframe 18k rating E

Again, Dean's POV, but very much focused on how much Cas loves him. Has the gorgeous Cas line: “When you are hungry, you eat. When you are tired, you rest. When you are dirty, you bathe. But what are you supposed to do with love?”

My unintended by DeanaWinchester, Jeanne_de_Valois 10k rating E

Really good Cas POV, he’s obsessive and insecure but also deeply loving.

my heart a compass by lagaudiere 10k rating T

The empty torments Cas with visions of Dean and of the family he longs to have with Dean. Dean saves him.

I said show me something by ilovehowyouletmefall 7k rating E

Sparked by the debate about whether or not Dean thinks Cas can feel. Cas is hurt by Dean saying he thought he couldn't feel and vulcan mind melds to show him exactly how he feels about him. It's a really interesting exploration of both of their feelings and fears.

Gift by thisisapaige 2k rating G

Very sweet little fic of them trying to work things out once Cas returns from the empty.

Pre-s15 Curtain Fics

take the long way home by dothraki_shieldmaiden 95k rating E

Dean tries to retire with his family but finds himself alone as Sam and Jack take a road trip and Cas goes hunting in order to prove he's still useful as a human and to avoid thinking about his feelings for Dean. Really agonising and harrowing at the start as they both feel so rejected and miserable. Cas gets into situations where monsters use his feelings for Dean to attack him. Eventually, they're able to tentatively work out their feelings and settle down together and it's very sweet.

Morning Glory by edgarallanrose 26k rating E

Dean and Cas retire together. Cas becomes a beekeeper and Dean starts to use the honey he makes to bake goods, which they sell at the farmer's market. Cas is very much in love with Dean but it takes Dean a bit longer to work things out.

Other Canon-era

A Winter's Tale by NorthernSparrow 64k rating T

This one hurts a lot, so fair warning for that. Cas falls ill while human and homeless and is hospitalised. Dean finds the journal Cas kept as he struggled to survive in this time. Pre-Destiel but Cas does write a lot about his feelings for Dean. Sam and Dean shower Cas with love and kindess as he recovers. Also a destiel epilogue that is very sweet and fluffy.

In the Shadow of your Wings by Enochian Things (Salr323) 57k rating E

Cas confesses his love to Dean post s11 finale but the timing is terrible and Dean is very repressed about it all and breaks Cas's heart. Cas gets an Italian man of letters boyfriend in an attempt to get over it and Dean is insanely jealous (which Cas is oblivious to) but they all have to work together to try to save Sam from the BMOL. Dean eventually gets his shit together and treats Cas the way Cas has learnt to understand he deserves.

That Black Dog Ache by SaltyWords (agent4hire22) 28k rating E

This is very much Dean's POV but I'm putting it here anyway because it has a really intense love confession from Cas, which I'll include an excerpt of that drives me insane:

'“I listen to your music, and I close my eyes. I try to imagine I’m in the Impala, hunting with you. And, sometimes,” his throat jumped, “I lay on your bed. I think about what it would be like if I got to have a place on it beside you... If you ever let me get close enough.”'

Kelp!I Need Somebody by andimeantittosting (Saylee) 27k rating E

A really sweet fic in which Sam, Dean and Cas go to investigate a case on Jesse and Cesar's ranch. Switching POV with really good mutual pining as they tentatively begin to realise the other feels the same.

Being Dean Winchester by Anonymous 26k rating E

Set early s4, Cas has to possess Dean temporarily. While doing this, he has to work to hide his feelings from Dean. Cas is already obsessed with Dean and in love with him but is embarrassed by it and struggles to keep Dean from seeing all of this, especially when Dean wants to have sex with someone while Cas is possessing him.

Après by imogenbynight 24k rating E

Set after the angels fall in s8. Cas falls to earth in Paris and realises he's in love with Dean. Dean comes to get him and they find love together in Paris.

desiderium, lost by atlasian 20k rating T

Castiel confesses his love for Dean and Dean tells him to move on. Cas tries, fairly unsuccessfully, before Dean gets it together.

No Other Worthy Quest by MajorEnglishEsquire 15k rating E

Cas just loves Dean very much.

'“For fuck's sake,” his skin is heating. Cas can feel it. “Stop saying lovey-dovey shit.”

“I know,” Cas rolls his eyes. “It’s so mortifying for you when I want to tell you I love you. I’m using all my self-restraint, I promise not to embarrass you.”'

The Arrow by jscribbles 12k rating T

Valentine's day and Cas has been hit by a Cupid's arrow and is literally sick with love for Dean.

and all this devotion by dothraki_shieldmaiden 10k rating M

Dean gets hurt on a hunt and Cas takes care of him in a cabin. Very sweet, delightful Cas POV of him being very much in love.

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits 10k rating E

Cas struggles to work out why Dean deems some things meaningful and some things worthless, and where he fits into this apparent dichotomy. Really gorgeous and agonising Cas POV that deals with their constant issue of Dean just wanting Cas to stay and Cas wanting Dean to want him to stay but they're both too afraid to express it.

Breathe by turningthepages 9k rating G

Dean and Cas platonically sleep together to help with Dean's sleep. Cas both likes the situation and longs for it to mean more.

First Date by aeli_kindara 9k rating T

Dean asks Cas on a date and they're both trying very hard to make it all work. The sequel is stunning too.

'Dean says, “We should do that. Go on a date.”

Something in Castiel’s chest fuzzes, like static on a TV, and stops.'

weights on my ankles by dothraki_shieldmaiden 9k rating M

After 15x3 The Rupture, Cas goes back to Rexford. While there, he thinks about how Dean hurt him all those years ago and how he hurt him more recently. Partly a 9x6 Heaven Can Wait fanfic-gap fic.

Let it Linger by OmniscientOranges 8k rating M

Cas starts sleeping with men out of jealousy when watching Dean pick up women at bars. The way the fic describes how in love he is and how hopeless he feels about it is both agonising and very sweet.

He Thought He Was Reckless by MajorEnglishEsquire 8k rating M

Cas plays up injuries so that Dean will coddle him. Self-woobification from the Angel of the Lord and it's so sweet!

Something to Protect by Sass_Master 6k rating G

Cas tries to work out how to make Dean feel less unsafe so that he no longer has to jolt awake. Sweet, tentative intimacy and Cas enjoying it so much.

lonely hearts. by outpastthemoat 5k rating G

Deals with Cas accompanying Sam and Dean on hunts and feeling incredibly lonely and longing to be with Dean. He finds solace in romance novels.

Some People Would Call This Romantic by almaasi 5k rating G

Human Cas goes to the beach and finds it rather overwhelming. Taking a romantic walk with Dean along the beach is also overwhelming.

The Tea is Decaf by mnwood 4k rating T

Really sweet! Cas and Eileen talk and gossip about Sam and Dean in the bunker at night over tea.

A Place to Rest by Inessencedivided 3k rating G

Dean and Cas talk through things after the Stuck in the Middle with You love confession. Cas cries some more.

White Noise by domesticadventures 2k rating G

Cas struggles with feelings of worthlessness in the aftermath of Lucifer's possession.

Receipts by surlybobbies 1k rating G

Cas writes little notes about how much he loves Dean on receipts from meals they share together. Dean finds them.

[rosequart]

i compiled a bunch of direct quotes about pink diamond/rose quartz from the newest artbook, end of an era. some of these quotes are taken from charts and scribbled notes, so the sentence structure might be weird.

let me know if there are any typos/missing information you think i could add!

quotes from rebecca sugar: on pink diamond/rose quartz

Pink Diamond is so sure that she’s powerless, but she’s actually profoundly powerful, so much so that she devastates people’s lives without understanding it because she thinks that she has no real power or sway.

The thing that she really lacks is balance, any ability to temper her extremes. This is part of her character throughout her forms: she’s always very extreme. 

Pink fits into those older tropes, too: the restless princess, the little Winsor McCay clown.

Pink is pure want. Impulse, desire—she’s infectious. She is the flip side of White; she can bring out a Gem’s hidden personality—their deepest wants. This isn’t necessarily a Diamond power (she has a handful of Diamond powers both destructive and constructive), but she has this power in a very human sense. She is an enabler and very manipulative when it comes to getting what she wants, so when what she wants is to get closer to someone, her intensity, and her sincerity, opens them up and draws them in.

White and Pink were always clashing. The Diamond body repressed Pink’s wants, as directed by White, the self-critical conscience. Pink’s shield made it impossible for White to override Pink’s identity, so she had to find other ways to repress her.

Episodes like Bismuth make much more sense when you know that Rose is Pink, and even more sense when you understand how poorly Pink treated friends who became inconvenient.

Rose is tracked carefully through the entire show. She makes sense once you know she is her own worst enemy. She dreams, achingly, that she could become compassionate, because she’s sure she’s incapable of compassion. Her lack of respect for herself makes it impossible for her to respect everyone closest to her. She reveres them instead, because they are better than she could ever be, and that reverence is so honest and intoxicating that it draws everyone closer to her, without them understanding the deep self-hatred that pull is coming from.

She couldn’t stand herself; self-destruction is a huge theme throughout the show—the struggle of the feeling that you shouldn’t exist, and what that can do to a person. A lot of the themes of the show exist within Rose, like her inability to be honest with other people or herself about what she’s done. She’s so deeply ashamed of herself and her past, with very good reason. The truth is that the people in her life would be so much more understanding than she believes they will be. The contempt that she has for herself gets turned outward as contempt for other people when she can’t trust them. When she can’t trust herself, she can’t trust other people, and it makes it impossible for her to be close with anyone. It makes life extremely difficult for her. It makes living difficult for her.

Rose wants [honesty and trust and being able to grow and change] so badly, but she can’t really accomplish any of that until she accepts herself—and she never does.

quotes from rebecca sugar: on rose and greg

Rose and Greg have a very specific relationship. They parallel each other: Greg left his unsupportive family to follow his dreams. He changes his name and begins living as his stage persona...He invents himself.

Rose is instantly interested in Greg; he’s so human, sweet and funny and pliable. But as they get a little deeper into their relationship, Greg starts to realize how alien she actually is. She objectifies him, she laughs at him...she can’t seem to relate to him or pick up on how he’s feeling. They have a physical relationship, but they’ve never had a meaningful conversation. He starts to feel used. So he challenges her in a way she’s never been challenged before: he asks her to treat him like an equal. This is huge for her. She’s always been less than the other Diamonds and more than everyone else. She opens up to him in a real way, and over time she’s ready to confess everything to him. But he understands what it is to run away from home and reinvent yourself. He doesn’t need her old name and he’s not going to drag her through whatever it was she ran from; as far as he’s concerned, her old self isn’t the real her anyway. The real her is her in the present, the person she decided to be. [...] This is an incredible relief for her! With him, she can live authentically in the moment...They both can, but on the flip side, they enable each other. She never unpacks what scares her about her past, and neither does he.

They really wanted to have a child [...] It’s something they are genuinely excited about. And that’s something that’s left a little open-ended—just how selfish it was for Rose to do this knowing that she would disappear. What Rose is doing is outrageously selfless and outrageously selfish at the same time, and you can really read it both ways and neither is untrue.

chart notes: on pink diamond/rose quartz

Pink learns to keep secrets. She tells her new Pearl to keep them too. (She puts on an act. Behaves better.) She doesn’t trust herself...keeps asking her Pearl what to do...

The Game: Rose plays Batman on the ground. (Pearl is Robin and Alfred.) Pink tries to use Rose as an excuse to call off the invasion. This backfires when Blue and Yellow send in reinforcements.

Rose finds herself the head of a family. Determined to be everything White was not—she is close with everyone, flexible in everything. Love & fun are the rule—and there are no rules—and everyone is the most special!

chart notes: on rose and the crystal gems

Pink keeps asking Pearl what she thinks. Pearl understands she should have no opinions, and should follow orders. She is caught in a paradox. Her head swims. She laughs—feels scared—what is this?

Pearl is falling in love. Pink, as Rose, is intoxicating. She’s free somehow. They both are, when they’re on Earth.

Rose falls in love with Pearl’s surprising boldness that comes out of left field—!

Pearl and Rose start fusing a lot.

Pearl and Rose—the dust clears, revealing an endless honeymoon. Pink is gone and Pearl is free—free to love Rose.

Garnet trusts Rose, respects her secrets. She sees in Rose a self-made gem, a quartz that transcended her station out of sheer will and the power of self-love. Garnet loves Rose and her mystery, the way she learns to love & embrace the mystery of herself. Rose is her rock and inspiration.

Rose teaches Amethyst: you can be anything you want to be! Huge advocate of shapeshifting, self-expression, anarchy—however, Amethyst can sense shame from Rose and Pearl over the Kindergarten.

chart notes: on rose and the crystal gems, post-pink diamond reveal

Amethyst finally understands Rose: wanting her to shapeshift, not feel obligated to be a quartz, suddenly feels sympathy...kinship. It wasn’t Amethyst being inspired by Rose—Rose was inspired by them!

Garnet shocked: Rose taught her to love herself. If that was a lie—if Pink Diamond was self-hating, and wanted to disappear—than what does that mean for Garnet? No—it wasn’t Garnet being inspired by Rose—Rose was inspired by them!

Pearl is finally released—but, a rift—! Garnet feels betrayed! But, Pink did change! Pink did grow! Rose was different! That’s why Pearl was inspired by Rose—or, wait—Rose was inspired by them!

chart notes: on pink and the other diamonds

Pink, the littlest diamond, is largely ignored by Yellow, Blue, and White. Her silly impulses and eccentricities are not particularly helpful to the other diamonds in their endeavors. No one wants to play with her. Pink desperately wants White’s attention and approval (she will never get it).

Pink’s [original] Pearl is the only one who sees how much this upsets Pink. Pink is bright in front of Yellow, Blue, White—but when they don’t have time for her, she privately takes it hard.

Noticing Pink’s behavior, Yellow and Blue think she should have her own colony. White insists—she hasn’t really changed. She’ll never change. She gives Pink a colony—if only to prove Pink will fail.

White knows Pink is out there. This expensive, embarrassing tantrum is not worth her attention. Pink will come groveling back when she’s done running away from home.

Yellow and Blue are relieved to have Pink back—but White is vindicated. I knew you’d be back, your silly game is over—get back in place.

Steven gets Yellow and Blue to understand who he is now. But White won’t have it [...] In an ultimate act of self love, Steven fuses with himself, as White realizes—she can be wrong, and she’s truly lost her ‘daughter’.

[comradekatara]

the gaang + how well they would do on the infinity train?

this is suuuper hard because there are so many factors to take into consideration. first is obviously the train itself. the train's function in a metanarrative sense is to serve as a vehicle for storytelling, dissecting & deconstructing the process of a narrative and how a character's arc is propelled by their circumstances. the train supposedly functions to improve its passengers, and yet we also know that The Train is a deeply flawed mechanism that can corrupt and further traumatize its passengers just as much as it can "fix" them. when the train invites you in with the single-minded goal of getting your number to zero, assuming you ever disembark, you're probably gonna be left with even more trauma than when you arrived, or at the very least, weirder trauma.

grace wanted to be seen, but instead of learning to value herself for her own intrinsic worth instead of relying on validation from those around her, she was enabled by that validation and literally started a cult. likewise, since jet is basically a less heinous version of simon, i see him taking a similar path to the apex (though he would of course name them the freedom fighters) trying to overthrow the tyrannical one-one and reinstate the True Conductor. he would think his path is righteous. he would think he is protecting those kids from evil. who knows what would happen once he learns the truth.

then there is the matter of what the train wants from you. the train arrives at a pivotal moment in one's life, when they are at an emotional crossroads and need a catalyst for growth. for example, jesse's problem was relatively small (because he is perfect) but hurting his brother caused him emotional turmoil nonetheless, so the train stepped in. this means that to answer this question properly, i would have to answer not only when the train arrives for them, but why, and seeing that every single atla character carries massive amounts of baggage (most of it flavors of trauma that infinity train has not addressed), this proves extremely difficult. i have to identify the most narratively satisfying moment in each character's lives to have the train arrive, and then i have to make assumptions about which cars would propel them which way (emotionally). you're asking me to outline nine different fanfictions.

only jet's character feels similar enough to any of the characters we've seen in infinity train for me to even have an inkling as to what path he would take. while sokka and tulip are quite similar as people (rational, scientific yet creative thinkers who over-rely on logic over feeling, are deeply loyal, and instinctually blame themselves for the problems caused by others), their character arcs themselves have little in common. both aang and hazel experience a tragic loss of pure, childhood innocence (which is why i cry over both of them every day), but in relatively dissimilar ways (at least appa gets to return to aang). min-gi and zuko are both pressured by their upbringings to conform to a standard that makes them miserable to please their parents, only to ultimately embrace their own passion & truth... but not only do those arcs play out completely differently, zuko and min-gi are completely different people, and if anything, zuko's approach to life is far more like ryan's (ie, jumping off a cliff and hoping he lands on his feet).

but what i think you're really asking, at the end of the day, is how emotionally mature, self-aware, and capable of positive growth is each atla character? because how am i supposed to know what the train would do to their psyches, considering each external situation would shape them differently, and unless i'm supposed to meticulously craft fanfiction for each one of them (which i wouldn't be opposed to doing, but only for one character, i simply cannot do all nine – also, i'm surprised infinity train AUs aren't more common, but then again i'm not particularly familiar with fanficition, so maybe it is!), it would only be an approximation, in which i identify their core problem (which again, is not how real people work, or even how atla characters work, but how The Train works) and then analyze how long it would take for each of them to solve said problem.

so, that was a very long-winded preface. without further ado:

aang's main problem is that he keeps running away from his problems, which is to say, distracting himself from the enormity of his grief. personally, i would say his coping mechanism isn't the worst. after all, he experiences so much world-shattering pain in such a short span of time, and he does deserve to preserve his childhood and his innocence for as long as possible. but, for the purposes of the narrative, the train must necessarily disagree. he must confront his grief head-on, without distracting himself from it or flying into a destructive rage that he'd only regret later. it also depends on who his companions are. with katara by his side, he can get through anything (and vice versa), but it's unclear who will be there to guide him through his pain. that said, i know he'd make it through okay. he's aang. he has to.

katara lives in a fairytale. like i said with aang, that's not really a bad thing. she's a great kid with big dreams and a big heart. she wants to save the world, and – guess what! – she does. but living in a storybook strips one's worldview of the nuances of life, not simply the harsh realities of the world, but also the full extent of one's personhood, outside of simply the black and white worldview of heroes and villains. katara's apotheosis is when she confronts yon rha, looks him in the eyes, and sees a human being staring back at her, another human being. she is no longer in a revenge tale. she is out of stories to tell herself. (life doesn't make narrative sense.) ironically, the train is a metaphor for storytelling, so katara coming to realize that she isn't in a story would both be confusingly meta and also fucking brilliant (if i do say so, personally). i don't know how exactly it would play out, but by god i would pay to see it.

in many ways, sokka is remarkably open-minded, and in many ways, sokka is extremely stubborn. i think he'd come to terms with his own emotional growth (which would be rooted in learning his own self-worth) faster than he'd come to terms with the train itself. "okay, fine, yeah, i deserve love regardless of what i can do for other people, but WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE?!?!?" his journey through the train is actually everyone else's dream experience on the train. passengers and denizens alike keep falling in love with him (or at the very least, admiring him more than they've ever admired anyone they've ever met), but he doesn't even notice because he's too busy being extremely suspicious of everything he comes into contact with. yes, he'll solve your problems and puzzles and help people and make meaningful connections and eventually he might start to realize that he is worth something even when he's alone, even (especially) when he's being unconventional or "weird" or "selfish." but even once he does get his door, does he walk through it? oh no, he takes it apart and tries to figure out how it just created a fucking portal. so while he would technically "do" quite well, he is never leaving that fucking train. rip sokka.

well, toph needs to learn to accept and embrace her own vulnerability. she definitely goes through that same crystal karaoke car tulip did. that, or the train just tortures her by putting her in increasingly more painful situations in which she must ask for help. but that's too awful to even think about, so i'm just gonna say she has to sing karaoke.

zuko needs to learn to trust his instincts and his own internal moral compass instead of the external pressures being forced upon him by his Father (capital F to emphasize that his nation & his father – aka the patriarchy – are one & the same for him, lmao). and he would fail. a lot. but eventually he would realize that his number goes down when he lets himself be himself, and he would leave the train happy. he probably also gets a bunch of cute little talking animal companions to guide him through. he deserves it.

the train appears to suki while she's having a breakdown in solitary confinement at the boiling rock. she finds healthy ways to cope with being put through hell while on the train, and by the time she gets off, she's being let out of solitary. it is a very rewarding experience, and one that she can swear wasn't just some hallucination. she's constantly telling herself yes, of course it was just a hallucination.... but still... it felt so real....

if i had to diagnose azula with one singular problem that plagues her at the core of her very being, it would have to be her fear of rejection. but it's not good enough to just keep having train cars reject azula, she has to accept that rejection, instead of just intimidating people into submission after the fact. she needs to understand why she is being rejected, and be fine with it, and learn from it, instead of letting her lack of universal perfection in every area anyone could ever excel in shake her to her very core. when ty lee proved that she secured the affections of dumb stupid boys better than azula ever could, she did an arson to cope (which of course is still very valid of her uwu). azula needs to learn to come in second place, third place, even last place, and shrug it off, think to herself, "hopefully i'll do better next time, and if not, that's okay also," and once that happens, everything else will fall into place. though maybe she could read bell hooks or smth at some point on the train cuz i think that could help too.

mai needs to stop being so goddamn depressed all the time. has she tried lexapro, or perhaps using a lightbox in winter? her favorite coping mechanism, knives, only helps her feel something some of the time, but most (if not all) of the time she's still being expected to play a part. has she tried, like, being herself? i heard from zuko (you know, the guy? from the train?) that "being yourself" works wonders. so the train gives her that opportunity. and she actually even enjoys herself for once in her miserable fucking life.

omg there must've been some sort of mistake ty lee was totally sent here by accident because she's actually super happy all the time and doesn't have any problems!!!!!!!! jk, can u even imagine? ty lee hates her life too, she just doesn't go around advertising it like mai does with her big dyke boots and depressing eyeliner. but apparently she also needs to learn how to "be herself," whatever that means. as if life isn't a constant performance, you know, like jacques said or whatever. she sees mai on the train. she rolls her big beautiful brown eyes. "oh god, not you too."

[lokiondisneyplus]

Variants. Time Keepers. Apocalypses. Alligators. Jet Skis. Over the course of Season 1 of Marvel Studios’ Loki, the God of Mischief has seen and done it all across the Sacred Timeline. But now at the end of time — literally, Loki has arrived at the Citadel at the End of Time, accompanied by Sylvie — only one question remains: Has this journey changed Loki? It’s even a question He Who Remains poses, reminding the duo that they can’t reach the end until they’ve seen a change: “It needs to happen, to get us all in the right mindset to finish the quest.”

For a trickster who has always been so focused on his wants and needs, it’s safe to say that Loki’s time working for the Time Variance Authority (and then trying to take down the TVA) has certainly shaped him in ways we haven’t seen before. Gone is the Asgardian who commanded people to kneel before him; now, for the first time, we’re seeing a softer side to Loki as he realizes that his choices have consequences and he’s in charge of his own destiny — no one else. Going all the way back to the very beginning of Episode 1, as Loki stands before Judge Renslayer at the TVA, he yells that no one else will dictate how his story ends, and he’s finally doing just that.

“Loki, as a show, has introduced so many complex ideas, and themes, and conversations,” Tom Hiddleston tells Marvel.com. “One of the things I've been so pleased and thrilled to see with the show is how deeply the audience is engaged with the big ideas, the ideas of fate versus free will, agency versus determinism. Do we have the capacity to genuinely choose our path through our lives? And in those choices, where do we derive meaning? To what extent are any of us free? To what extent are these characters free to choose their route through the universe and self-realize and determine the course of their lives?”

Loki didn’t change completely on his own, though, as everyone he encounters throughout all six episodes influences him in ways he never could have predicted, from his surprising friendship with Mobius to Classic Loki reclaiming his “glorious purpose.”

“People latched onto the relationship between Loki and Mobius, and understood that there was a mirror in the two of them,” Hiddleston says. “Both Mobius and Loki had a lot to teach each other. Mobius opens up Loki’s sense of his own identity and that this might be something that's malleable. And then Sylvie opens up something in Loki about the nature of identity. And that Loki is able to then reflect back to Mobius.”

“In Episode 5, suddenly, the conversations the three of them have had [cause] an effect on the variant Lokis — on Classic Loki, on Kid Loki, on Boastful Loki. I like to think on Alligator Loki, too. Maybe he starts to think about free will.”

This all comes to a head when Loki and Sylvie have the most important conversation of all, with He Who Remains. Standing before this man behind the curtain, He Who Remains lays out his entire philosophy, the reason behind the TVA and all the smoke and mirrors. It’s to protect the Sacred Timeline from his own variants.

“This conversation between the three of them about the nature of reality, about the nature of time, about the nature of the multiverse, and the question about whether the TVA organization has any moral authority to determine reality as we see it,” Hiddleston continues. “There's an enormous amount to unpack, an enormous amount to think about, and it provokes as many questions as it provides answers.”

Loki, having gained a new perspective, wants to stop and think about what he’s just learned since it’s heavy. Sylvie, on the other hand, believes “he’s stalling for time and that it’s another manipulation. She feels is on the precipice of some catharsis,” adds Hiddleston. The two come to a disagreement where they both believe they’re the one in the right. Loki wants to weigh the options of He Who Remains’ proposal, and Sylvie just wants this puppet-master dead.

“It’s incredibly distressing for both of them that they disagree in this moment,” Hiddleston says. “It was quite an intense scene for us. We knew we had to be quite precise about the way the scene unfolded.”

Not only are they verbally arguing, but soon both have their weapons at the ready and are trading blows back and forth. (Something He Who Remains giddily watches from the sidelines.)

This finale was the last thing shot for the season, with Jonathan Majors joining the cast, as He Who Remains, for the last week they were in production. From there, it was time to dive into the trio’s conversation and how it caps off all the themes leading up to this point — identity, free will, and accepting yourself, to name a few.

“Right up to the time of the few days in which we filmed it, we were refining the dialogue between Loki and Sylvie because we needed to make sure that there was a balance,” Hiddleston recalls. “Both their positions [needed to be] articulated, and the audience could see the struggle. We worked all weekend to make sure we integrated the scene with the choreography so that it was completely seamless. The disagreement was at the center of all of it, and every word and every move.”

Unfortunately, the two just can’t see eye to eye on the situation — as He Who Remains points out, Sylvie can’t trust and Loki can’t be trusted. Hiddleston even notes, “At the center of Loki’s identity, certainly for as long as I’ve played him, is untrustworthiness. He’s unpredictable and spontaneous.”

But now, with a tearful confession to Sylvie, Loki’s newly changed outlook shines through as he takes everything he’s learned over the course of the series and tries to reason with her. But, “it’s heartbreaking pain because she’s not on the same page.”

“The confession in Episode 6 reveals how much he’s evolved. Sylvie believes Loki’s position comes from the same old motivation to sit on a throne. But it doesn’t. It comes from genuine care for another being outside of himself. It speaks to a theme that was very close to all of our hearts as filmmakers, which was about self-confrontation, and self-awareness, and self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance in some way. That the only way of moving forward is to acknowledge who you are. And then change can begin.”

Making matters worse, Sylvie isn’t the only familiar face Loki loses in the end. Though he ends up back within the halls of the TVA, this isn’t the TVA he left. The choices Loki and Sylvie made at the Citadel at the End of Time are already breeding consequences, one of which is that “his friend Mobius doesn’t recognize him and doesn’t know who he is. His destabilization in that moment is profound.”

Loki and Mobius’ friendship has been a touchstone for the series, and according to Hiddleston, as the show was being developed, their relationship was “one of the things I was drawn to.”

“I’m very moved by the idea of their friendship,” he continues. “I don’t think Loki has allowed himself to have many friends. Because to have friends, you have to be vulnerable, and you have to trust. Loki’s so defensive, vulnerability and trust, those two things don’t come easily to him. Mobius is perhaps the first figure in Loki’s life to sit across from him and reflect him back to himself without judgment, but somehow with compassion.”

“Mobius is able to contain Loki and say, ‘This is who you are. And I understand.’ That feeling of compassion or lack of judgment is new for Loki, and allows him to open up in a way that facilitates the genesis of this unique friendship. Mobius also is surprised by his affection for Loki. And then it’s Loki who teaches Mobius about life outside the TVA, life before the TVA. Maybe he had a life. Maybe he had a family. Maybe he had a jet ski. They mean a lot to each other, and they’ve done a lot for each other.”

With a new Mobius now in the mix, this means that the pair’s parting goodbye in Episode 5 was their final farewell, when “Mobius offers his hand; Loki chooses to hug him and he says, ‘Thank you, my friend.’ That’s very sincere and very meaningful.”

What’s a trickster to do when he finds himself in an unfamiliar place surrounded by people he used to know? That remains to be seen, as the season ends before those questions are answered, laying the complex groundwork for Season 2 and the lingering unanswered TVA questions.

“What’s been fascinating for me making it, and continues to be one of the most interesting questions of our story, is the moral complexity of the TVA,” Hiddleston concludes. “The idea that an organization that claims to govern the order of time with benevolence and precision is actually something much more ambiguous. And there's a question: On what authority does the TVA, or anyone who has set it up or runs it, decide who gets to live and who doesn't, who gets to participate in reality as we know it?”

[luna-is-on-mars]

I'm so deeply sorry for worrying you @ajokeformur-ray and @jslittlebirdie! That was never my intention and it pains me very much to realize how unfair and careless my disappearance was. In fact, I still find it difficult to realize and accept that I'm actually seen, heard and even valued by the two of you, that I may not just be a nobody on the internet, but a very real friendship. I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for the sorrow that has arisen, for the worries and thoughts that you've made, for the horrific impression that I've given and all the other terrible things and feelings that my sudden absence caused. I swear none of this was my intention and I hope so much you two know that none of this has to do with any of you! I'm all too aware of how it feels and none of you deserve it in the least. For this reason I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore and yet I hope that you can accept my apology. What I did was neither fair nor justified, I know that, but I still want to let you know that I miss you indescribably. Even when we weren't interacting or I was online, you were always with me, in my heart and mind. The meaning that you've for me is limitless and I could never thank you for all the wonderful, great things that you've done and are for me. I hope to never forget you and I hope so much that my carelessness and thoughtlessness didn't ruin such a meaningful acquaintance!

I was wondering how I could ever get in touch again, tried not to be a coward just once, to admit my mistake and to apologize. I know that I've always needed you more than you needed me, that I've hoped again and again for understanding and acceptance from you. And I realized that this time is probably no exception. So if you're still reading this text, then the READ MORE will be followed by my explanation of why I disappeared at all, why it took me so long to come back and what was going on in my head.

So, as you may know, my apprenticeship started last Monday. In detail, this means that I have two days of school every two weeks and one day of school for the opposite two weeks. In the weeks where I have one day of school, I also work five days in the store, in the weeks with two days of school it is four days. This means that I only have one day off per week and that I'm awake from 5:10 or 6:00 am, until 1:30 or 2:40 pm at work/school, at 2:00 or 3:30 pm I'm at home and go to bed by 9 p.m. at the latest, so really too little time to rest, cook, clean up, etc. So currently I ride my bike about 40-50 km per week. All of this ensures that I'm quite exhausted, plus the overwhelming changes in my everyday life, with completely new and unknown environments, activities, people and above all routines (which is an enormous effort for me). But all of this has become more or less established for me and I very much hope that not too much will change now and that I'll get used to everything as quickly as possible.

All of these things are already exhausting enough for me, but the worst is that I'm now going back to school with people who're all too quick to judge and who've high expectations of me, who've little understanding and openness for people who're different, with problems and difficulties. People like me. I've already had a negative clash with one of my teachers because he asked me to do something that I couldn't organize in terms of time.

But that's not what's worst for me because that's one of my classmates. She has only seen me for two days, hardly knows anything about me and yet she hurt me so much and made me think that I came home and cried, so discouraged and hopeless. Actually, I'm not an overly "openly" emotional person, but I don't have too high an opinion of myself anyway.

She told me that I'm such a shollow person, invisible, irrelevant, that my being alone alienates me from my surroundings, that I would't understand anything within the real life, that all I'm and feel are just my thoughts, that I'm a waste in this world, that I'm alone and always will be because my lack of social interaction and experiences mean that I'm not able, don't have the right, to feel part of any group or society. She told me that I'm a nobody, incapable of anything, with a cold heart.

And let me tell you, I was overwhelmed, scared, sad and hurt. I actually thought there was some truth to it, and maybe it is, but after days of worrying, I realized that I'm SO MUCH more too!

All of my problems, all of my loneliness don't make me angry, bitter or cold-hearted, on the contrary, in fact. My loneliness and detachment are part of me, neither positive nor negative, they allow me to observe, understand and empathize. Maybe I don't belong anywhere, but because of me, no one else will EVER have to feel as if they're not accepted and valued for who they're. No one will ever feel as lost or hopeless as I do. For me, every single living being is something very special and extraordinary. Maybe I don't have a big or important meaning, but neither am I meaningless. If being part of one of these groups or societies means that it's okay to hurt someone, then I NEVER can and NEVER want to be part of them. I prefer to watch the world, stay away from people who have no idea of the meaning of their words and deeds, stay lonely. Because, in reality, my heart is neither cold nor dead, it's incredibly alive, full of warmth and love. My mind is filled with so many wonderful ideas, stories, observations, and experiences; it's not dull or wasted. My amazement, love, curiousity, compassion and appreciation are truly limitless. Maybe I'll never fully understand the people and life around me, maybe I'll never find my place, my home, but that's okay. My mother always told me that if I don't find my place among people, I'll always have one among the stars. I've no idea what or who is popular, how to do this or that, what's considered normal or realistic, what makes the average life special, worth living or beautiful. And that's okay. I realized, more than before, that I'm capable of something, something very important in fact! I feel, intensely, limitless and almost magical. I know what it feels like to have the rain pattering down on me, to feel the wind in my hair, to see my cats happy, to see the smiles of those around me, authentic and beautiful, how amazing it is to look at the stars, to be filled and flowed through by music. I know what it feels like to live, not to experience, but to simply be alive, to breathe, to see and to perceive everything, no matter how small, around me. To be overwhelmed by emotions, good and bad. Should I actually be meaningless, then I'm definitely grateful for all the meaningful things that I can experience.

I'm lonely, out of place, that's right. Maybe I'm lost, but maybe it allows me to see and discover so much more. I have realized that all of my weaknesses and difficulties, my loneliness, make me understanding and kind. Not cold or incompetent, insignificant or indifferent. I wish I could show her, make her understand that there's so much more than popularity or reputation, all of these wonderfully great things that she seems to overlook or perceive as of less value. And even though her words hurt me, I made up my mind to forgive her. I wish she would understand how complex and meaningful words, deeds, feelings, people and this extraordinary world are, I'm sorry that she understands and appreciates so little. In any case, I want to make sure that she, or anyone else, NEVER gets hurt by me.

I'm sorry to annoy you with my rambling, but that's why I needed time to myself. Unfortunately, I'll not have too much time and energy to be very active in the future either, but I'll try to read and answer all of your wonderful messages. I can't tell how quickly I'm able to do this, but I will try my best! After a really exhausting and intense week, I'm definitely back. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the compassionate, thoughtful messages. Their, and your, incredible meaning is really difficult for me to put into words, so THANK YOU!

I miss you both so incredible much and I hope all is well with you.

[cruelfeline]

I’ve been thinking about various aspects of SPoP, as I am wont to do, and as often happens, I’ve settled on trying to figure out why I feel a certain way. Namely regarding why I, personally, am able to feel so much more compassion towards Hordak rather than towards the Princesses. After all, the Princesses are the ones being wronged throughout this show, aren’t they? Their lands are being invaded. They’re the ones having to fight to maintain their way of life. They’re losing ground because of Hordak’s war.

So... why do I find it hard to care about them? Why are their experiences in this conflict just sort of... well, meaningless to me?

And why, instead, do my tender emotional responses strongly favor Hordak, despite his serious role in starting a terrible war?

Well! As per usual, I’m going to try to talk my way through it. 

(and, as per usual, your mileage may vary!)

Let’s start with the Princesses. They range from children to young adults. Seem like reasonably nice girls, despite various flaws. They clearly did not ask for a war, had no hand in starting it, and are clearly on the side of good, seeking to protect innocents and simply return to a peaceful way of life.

They appear perfectly designed to garner sympathy and connection... yet I feel so little for them. I feel little because, despite the show telling me that they’re fighting for their lives, and for their home, despite them being the apparent underdogs in their battle against the Horde, I feel like their lives remain relatively stable. Pleasant. Even enjoyable. 

Essentially, I feel like despite everything, they do not truly suffer. Not in a way that is consistent or touching. 

The arcs the Princesses go through either deal largely with matters unrelated to the war and subsequently involve less arduous difficulties, or are handled in such a way that any real pain is quickly resolved and loses its impact.

Frosta and Perfuma represent the former. Both are parentless rulers of their kingdoms, but there is no real confirmation that their parents were killed by the Horde, and they themselves seem largely unperturbed by parental loss. They maintain control of their kingdoms throughout the series. Frosta never loses the Kingdom of Snows, while Perfuma, though in brief danger of losing Plumeria due to damage to the Heart Blossom, ends up... well, defeating the Horde with a band of untrained hippies. So while they fight in the war against Hordak, they never really suffer any significant, confirmed personal losses because of it.

In fact, the Plumerian conflict is... kind of played for laughs.

The other aspects of their arcs have largely to do with friendship matters, or self-belief, and are also dealt with quickly and with little fanfare. Frosta learns how to make friends. Perfuma learns how to play with cacti. Afterwards, Frosta spends the remainder of the story essentially being a violence-happy little kid; amusing, yes, but not particularly tugging at my heartstrings. Perfuma likewise settles into “sympathetic friend” and, though she’s involved in Scorpia’s story at the end, also does little to invoke any sort of significant emotion. 

we’re just going to skirt around the whole “leashing Entrapta” thing, as it’s not relevant to this discussion

(Spinnerella and Netossa barely even register to me, given their very bare-bones roles in the first four seasons and standard “chipped loved one” narrative (that everyone experiences) in the fifth.) 

So, let’s move on to Glimmer and Mermista.

Glimmer and Mermista are arguably the two Princesses who actually lose unique things in the war and suffer because of those losses. And yet, because of the way the show is written, even their pain is dulled in such a way that it just does not facilitate me forming any sort of consistent, compassionate bond with them.

Mermista is the only Princess to actually lose a kingdom. In Hordak’s most visible evil act, Salineas is burned and beflagged, leading to Mermista deeply mourning the loss of her home, her culture, her peop- oh. Hm.

She takes it oddly well, doesn’t she? Apparently, ice cream in a bathtub is how deposed rulers deal with the loss of their entire country nowadays. 

And once she’s done with her moment of moping, she’s back in the fight, fueled by Sea Hawk’s shenanigans and her own power ballad (and Bright Moon’s lack of ice cream). There is no extended mourning for her people, no real depth to the loss she has supposedly suffered. There’s not even a real sense of it: we never see the people of Salineas, never know them, never get to feel anything for them. And with them being all but theoretical, the show appears to have no issue quickly forgetting them: Mermista never negotiates on their behalf, or visits refugees, or... anything. She might use Salineas in her future battle cries and as an excuse for increased recklessness, but that homage is the extent of emotion that we see.

Kingdom gone, bathtub ice cream finished, she goes on living life as if little has happened. And, because of her royal connections, she doesn’t even experience a decrease in quality of life: she continues to live in luxurious comfort despite an apparently raging war.

Because of how the writing handles Salineas, and her character in general, I never feel connected to how Mermista feels. Whatever pain she experiences is there and gone in a few scenes, quickly dealt with so the story can continue. There is no exploration, no nuance, nothing to really make me appreciate any sort of depth to her experience. And so I feel little, if anything, for her plight.

Glimmer, then, is the last chance the show has to make me feel something for the Alliance Princesses’ suffering during this war, and while season four nearly does it, the series again ends up falling short. 

Glimmer loses her mother. The actual sacrifice is emotional... though that emotion, admittedly, comes mainly from Adora. Glimmer’s pain comes through at the beginning of season four, when she is clearly in mourning all while needing to take Angella’s place as queen. Afterwards, season four does a fairly good job of making the loss meaningful: Glimmer becomes more and more willing to commit dark acts due to a mixture of grief and desperation. It works well, and out of all of the Princesses, I feel for her the most... until season five comes along and pretty much erases Angella from character consciousness.

Angella’s death essentially plays no role in season five. Glimmer does not appear to think back to it. While it drives her actions during season four, it appears to have been all but forgotten now, a particularly glaring shift when Catra, the one who is practically responsible, joins the group without it coming up at all. Glimmer’s other parental loss, Micah, likewise becomes meaningless not because of questionable writing choices, but because he simply never died.

Glimmer’s other problem, her rift with Bow and Adora, is repaired within an episode and never spoken of again. That... falls quite flat for me. 

And so, by the end of the series, Glimmer fails to maintain a believable level of distress and thus doesn’t invoke any real emotion in me. The one thing that really mattered, that really hurt her? Suddenly irrelevant in the name of Catra’s redemption. Hm.

And while these are the specific character examples that come to mind, the general situation the Princesses find themselves also fails to carry much weight in my mind. They are in the middle of a war, yet they continue to live in luxury. Skirmishes carry a sense of light-heartedness and sometimes seem almost fun. Battle plans are developed via a game of DnD. There is just no consistent sense of urgency or severity, no believable sense of emotional depth to convey to me that these characters are in truly dire straits. Yes, there are moments... but these moments are so brief, and carry such questionable lasting impact, that they don’t connect with me the way that they should. And as a result, the plight of the Princesses just feels hollow to me. 

I just... I just find myself unable to care about them because, when all is said and done, I don’t feel like they are truly in danger of real harm, or that they are realistically affected by their losses. It all just feels so shallow to me.

Now, let’s pivot and look at Hordak. Hordak, whom I still cry over on the daily. Hordak, who has owned my heart for over a year now. Hordak, who invokes in me all of the emotions. 

What is the difference between Hordak and the Princesses, other than the glaring fact that he is the instigator of the Etherian war and thus a bad, bad man? What makes him snap my heartstrings in half, while the Princesses barely manage a gentle tug?

The answer is that Hordak legitimately suffers. Terribly. Consistently. Throughout the entire series. While the Princesses experience brief moments of distress that the show quickly sweeps under the rug in favor of witty banter and friendship problems, Hordak is the direct opposite: he experiences only the occasional breath of happiness while otherwise drowning in a constant sea of bitterness, fear, pain, and deep unhappiness.  

From the moment we meet him, Hordak is stern and humorless and angry, and while this initially appears to be a side effect of him being a Standard Ultimate Villain Who Never Smiles, we quickly learn that it is due to his struggle. Hordak is constantly struggling against his physical defect, battling an illness that causes him not only significant health problems, but incredible shame. He is likewise constantly struggling to earn the respect and validation and nonexistent love of his god-brother. His sour demeanor, with all of its anger and dourness, originates in the fact that, throughout the overwhelming majority of the series, he is gravely unhappy. He is in ever-present distress, both physical and emotional. 

And as the series goes on, does that distress lessen? No. No, instead, he is rejected by his brother, thoroughly humiliated, and brutally “reset” back into his life as an actual cult slave. Rather than having his difficulties minimized like so many Princesses do, he finds himself in ever-worsening circumstances, graduating from (supposed) “disgraced, disabled military veteran” to “enslaved cultist desperate to be loved by his loveless master.”

Any moments of happiness are not only relatively brief, they are taken away as quickly as the Princesses’ moments of difficulty are. Hordak experiences love and friendship for the first time with Entrapta, only to swiftly lose her to Catra’s lies and spiraling madness. He finally begins to win the Etherian War (which is bad, yes, I know), only to realize that his victories stem from Catra’s betrayal before the whole affair culminates in Prime’s nauseating violation of his personhood.

It does not stop. Physically, mentally, or emotionally: not until his triumph over Prime in the season five finale does Hordak stop hurting, and even that is marred by Prime taking control of his body in a final act of nightmarish control before, bless him, Hordak is freed and able to begin his recovery.

In addition to being a series constant, Hordak’s pain is conveyed. It is dramatically shown through facial expressions, through body language, through phenomenal voice work, through scenes that clearly depict real anguish. 

The purification ritual is one of them; what other character do we hear scream like that, over and over, due to such terrible agony? His reunion with Prime is another; I will never forget how deeply I could sense his fear, how watching him tremble and beg instilled within me a sort of breathless panic because the scene actually made me want to instinctively protect him... but I could not because, y’know: cartoon. 

Hordak’s suffering is not only ever-present, it is varied and developed and communicated to the viewer in ways that result in it making a lasting impression. It is never minimized. It is never ignored. It is painful and horrifying with little reprieve, and it has a deep, life-altering effect on him.

That, friends and neighbors, is why I think I find myself feeling so much more compassion towards Hordak than I do towards the Princesses, despite his less-enticing place on the moral spectrum. Hordak is in pain. Consistently, meaningfully. He suffers, and the story takes it with every ounce of seriousness it can muster.

The Princesses, on the other hand, either experience little hurt or, when they do suffer, do so briefly before the narrative shoves it aside in favor of Catradora other things. As a result, they fail to make the same impression. They fail to garner my compassion because, in the end, they just don’t seem to really need it.

Whereas Hordak does.

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Here to Misbehave (Pt. 6 | S.R.)

Series Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Finale |

Summary: Something’s up with Spencer and Derek shows up at his door. The couple has their first fight.

A/N: By the way, we have a playlist for this Fic Series! Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader 
 Category: Smut! (NSFW) & ANGST 💔 Content Warning: Adults w/ Age Gap (10yr), unprotected sex, oral (female receiving), heated arguing Word Count: 6,785

MASTERLIST

—————————————————

My dreams had been particularly absent as of late. I wondered if it was because I was too busy living them.

Fantasy and reality had been blending together in a symphony of overwhelming emotion. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. The warmth surrounding me was greater than just the temperature of the car, it was the spirit of Spencer’s company.

I was awoken from the thought by strong arms under me, hoisting me out of the car as my head lolled over to his chest. It took me a moment longer to realize that he had picked me up, quietly carrying me towards the apartment.

“Pumme down,” I slurred while my eyes struggled to open, my hands weakly protesting my position. Spencer just chuckled, readjusting to try and follow my instructions. However, I just as quickly almost tumbled out of his arms in my rush to the ground.

“You are so graceful,” he laughed harder now, holding onto me as I steadied myself on my feet, not even bothering to fix my messed up hair.

Rubbing my eyes to try and wipe the exhaustion off my face, I replied in the least hostile voice ever, “Shut up.”

He waited for me to lead the way, probably to make sure I didn’t fall on my ass. Truthfully, I was a little surprised he chose to take me to his place instead of mine. After all, it was late and he’d barely gotten any sleep last night. I wasn’t going to complain though.

This time when we entered his apartment, he didn’t seem to care if I wandered around. However, it’s probably because I was tired as shit. I headed to the bedroom on instinct, beginning to strip before he even entered the room.

“Getting comfortable?” He joked, and I wondered which way he meant the question. Was I getting comfortable existing in his space, or by removing my clothes? The answer to both questions was yes. Wasn’t planning on telling him that, though.

Instead, I just smiled. “See something you like, Dr. Reid?”

Immediately recognizing the line from our first night together, he shook his head with an equally snarky grin. “You’ve got to stop doing that.”

“I can’t help it,” I shrugged, “I think about it all the time.”

“We can make a new memory if you want.”

The twisting sensation in my gut reminded me how quickly he could turn the tables on me. That stupid, suave motherfucker.

As he approached me, my heart beat recklessly, like a child with a drum set. I like to think that I am quick on my feet and easily able to bounce back… but sometimes Spencer was just so…

Gentle. That was the way he touched me, his hands coming up from behind me and gingerly exploring my chest, stomach, and hips. With his cheek pressed against my temple, I could feel the way he deeply breathed in the scent of my perfume still lingering after the long day.

Caring was the way he spun my body around to face him, kissing me with the same unrelenting passion I’d felt in the observatory.

Quiet jubilation was my response, my hands taking their time removing his clothes as he backed me against the bed. This silence persisting between us was not actually silence at all, the room filled with soft sounds of our breath quickening and the rustling of fabrics as they were thrown to the ground.

He lifted me off the ground and onto the bed by the backs of my thighs, climbing onto the bed with me as he positioned me nearly flat on the bed.

At first it was just like all the other times we’ve shared, although something felt distinctly different. There was an emotion running just under the surface of our contact that I tried to will away.

Spencer’s slow descent down my body was not helping. He was only passing by my chest and I was already a steady flow of moans, clutching desperately to his shoulders that were moving out of reach.

It wasn’t until he pressed a long kiss just above my pubic bone that I realized what he was planning on doing. My muscles tensed under him, my legs clamping together in painfully obvious shyness.

“W-what are you doing?” Had I actually just fucking stuttered?

“I think you know what I’m doing,” he responded, his hand easily separating my legs as his kisses continued onto my inner thigh.

I reached down, covering myself with my hands as my face burned with all the blood that should be reserved for more fun activities.

“B-but, it’s late. We should… do something else instead.”

“No,” was his response. So simple, so cruel.

“But Spencer,” I whined, cursing my legs for shaking as I felt his tongue gliding closer to my center.

“What? You can’t honestly tell me you’re too shy after you let me finger fuck you on the metro.”

I smiled nervously at the memory, still shifting back and forth to avoid his touch getting too close to where he wanted to be. “I-It’s not that it’s just… It’s never… done anything for me. So it’s not worth it.”

“Oh?” Spencer’s eyes immediately filed with a dark, voracious greed, a smirk spreading across his face that I’d never seen before. If I was nervous before, now I was terrified. I’d never seen him so competitive.

“You’re not broken, little girl. Promise.”

My legs were shaking so desperately now I couldn’t have stopped him if I tried. Without another thought he spread my legs, positioning himself enthusiastically under my knees and between my thighs.

“Some things...” his breath hot against my arousal, “just require a man’s touch.”

With that, he finally ran his tongue between my folds, the combined wetness of his mouth and my body leaving me drowning in a sea of his pleasure. My eyes were clenched shut as he explored every piece of me he could reach.

My fingers curled and rooted in his hair, tugging mercilessly as he dipped his tongue inside me, no doubt enjoying the way I squirmed and shook for him, laid out before him like a decadent meal.

“S-Spencer!” I cried as my legs wrapped around him, heels digging into his back. Knowing that he couldn’t respond with words, I wasn’t at all prepared for the way his responding moan reverberated against me.

“Fuck!” I yelled again, my breath coming in short, loud bursts. He raised his mouth just a few inches, his nose pressing hard against me as his tongue lavished the sensitive pearl at my crest.

I couldn’t moan his name, or anything else, at this point. It was just careening mewls, whines, and screams to the tune of Spencer’s ministrations. It was a mistake to look down at him, his pupils blown so wide that I could barely see the brown as he fixated on the wrecked look on my face.

Throwing my head back, I held him down against me as he switched from long laps of his tongue to short, flickering motions, gently suckling on me like a man starved.

I couldn’t take it much longer, finally breaking through the tension to find sweet release, the vibrations of his hum of pleasure following me over the edge. Now simultaneously overstimulated and invigorated, my body tried to relax.

But Spencer didn’t relent. No, he became even more fervent, bringing a hand up to join his mouth.

Jesus, how could this man still breathe?

Wasn’t my problem. Because as soon as two long, slender fingers plunged into my heat, I was blinded by ecstasy

My entire body was spasming underneath him in a disjointed mess. When I could breathe, they were gasps of air akin to the first one taken after being swept into the riptide.

His fingers curled inside of me, stroking me in harsh, long movements until my muscles began to flutter once more. My second orgasm was shorter, but twice as intense. I couldn’t identify the ways he was touching me, feeling all consumed by this man.

As I came down this time, he slowed his pace with me, eventually drawing his face away with one final brush of his tongue up the length of me.

I shuddered, my back arching off the bed as the weight of my legs collapsed against him. Sweat dripping down my temples, I couldn’t stop the way my body continued to tremble underneath him.

“That...” his voice breaking from the lack of breath and use, “was definitely worth it.”

Once I was able to breathe and form a thought, I responded with an equally crackly voice, although mine was for a different reason. “Spencer Reid, you have positively ruined me.” I rasped with a laugh, “I don’t know how anyone else will ever compare.”

Using the back of his hand to clean his face, a smile appeared for both of us. Stalking closer, his face hung above mine as he admitted, “Good. I want you all for myself.”

And he had me. He had me until the stars fell from the sky and ended the Earth in a fiery ball of smoke. When the world is drowned by the oceans falling from the sky he would have my last full breath.

I would be his until he wouldn’t have me anymore, and then a little longer after that.

Which is what I told him when he kissed me. The taste of myself on his tongue, we shared more than bodily fluids. I wrapped tired arms around his neck, tangling our limbs together to stop him from floating away from me.

There was no salacious provocation. There was no anger at all. It was a deep, meaningful yet silent compassion.

So synchronized our minds and hearts that my hips knew to raise when he brought his arousal to mine, my body accepting him with only a little apprehension.

With just enough force to fully join together, he pushed into me, his kiss becoming deeper. He was trying to tell me something that I had begged him to say but was now terrified to hear.

Maybe I should have changed the mood, tried to turn this into another meaningless romp between lonely strangers. But I didn’t. Part of me didn’t want to. Most of me didn’t want to. But the small piece of me - the scared, lonely piece - begged me to hold on to the space between us.

Spencer’s thrusts were slow and meaningful. The muscles in his back tensed with each movement, dedicating every part of him to this dance with me. The long, powerful moan that crept through my throat broke the kiss, and I couldn’t stop myself from calling to him again.

“Spencer,” I whimpered.

He had that look in his eyes again, the possessive, ravenous look that made me feel like I belonged here, with him. He fit within me so perfectly, each movement drawing my hips into a soft rocking motion with him.

His hand almost felt cold against the burning skin of my cheek as he directed my eyes to stay fixed on his. He swallowed a moan, desperately trying to remain composed as his pace began to increase in force and speed.

“(Y/n)...”

Oh no. That voice. I had only heard that voice from him twice, and both in the last twenty four hours. ‘Don’t...’ he had first begged with that voice before hypocritically criticizing the million plus words in the English language for not being able to express his feelings for me.

“(Y/n),” he repeated, working up the courage I would never let him utilize. “I—“

The speed with which my hand raised to cover his mouth with my fingertips was startling in comparison to the agonizingly slow pace of the rest of our bodies.

“Shhh,” I hushed, my eyes softening as I begged him to keep his words to himself. My actions hurt him, but the alternative might have hurt worse. Besides, what was the point of saying it if I already anticipated it?

I don’t think you love me as much as you think you do, Spencer Reid.

Once it was clear he wouldn’t continue, my hands returned to the back of his neck, bringing him in for another wistful kiss. More insistent now to act out the words he wished he could say, our tongues joined in the exploration of one another.

Although just as slow, Spencer drove into me as hard as he had before, my entire body shaking as I slid against the sheets. I clung to his shoulders, letting his lips slip away from me as he buried his face in the crook of my neck.

The stifled sound of my name on lips left me trembling at his mercy. But that was nothing compared to the way shockwaves spread through my body as he growled in my ear, “Come for me.”

It was a command I was all too excited to surrender to. With one last careening cry, my body tensed around him. I could feel my walls fluttering, trying to hold onto him and carry him over the edge with me.

His hips were flush against mine as he drove into me one last time, holding himself as deeply in me as he could. He propped himself up, locking our eyes together as he finished.

“That’s my little girl,” he uttered as his warmth spread within me. My mouth hung open as I panted his name, my eyes trying not to roll back. The exhaustion that quickly followed was unlike any of our previous trysts. My heart felt as heavy as my muscles felt weak.

Spencer dropped his forehead to mine, granting me one more kiss filled with longing. I kissed him back just as sweetly, my fingers barely pressed against his jaw.

We didn’t say anything. There was nothing left to say. I couldn’t find words to shift the energy in the room, and I didn’t want to. Once he was off of me, I was the one to leave first.

He didn’t watch me as I walked away; his vision was locked on the ceiling as he let himself be lost in his thoughts. I could only imagine what they were about.

I returned to the bedroom to find him standing at his closet, just as lost in thought. I wasn’t even sure he heard me come in, but he definitely heard the curses I muttered under my breath.

“Is everything alright?” He asked, turning to see me crouched over my bag on the floor.

“Yeah, I just forgot my sweater. And no offense, but you’re a giant blanket hog.” The little chuckle afterwards was to make up for the fact I could barely maintain eye contact with him.

It was strange how much more naked I felt right now, compared to when our bodies had been tangled in a mess of pleading and sweat.

He didn’t respond to my comment, turning to his closet and pulling something from the top shelf. I wasn’t sure what it was until it landed in my lap.

A navy blue crewneck depicting two hands holding a torch, with “Caltech” below it. My breath caught in my throat, and I looked up at him, my mouth open but unable to make noise.

“It’s fine,” he responded to a question I hadn’t even asked. “It doesn’t fit me anymore, anyway.”

An awkward smile later, he finally made his way to the bed and slid under the covers. His back was to me.

Slipping into the sweatshirt, I took a moment to breathe in the way it smelled like the home I’d found with him. This sweater had obviously been loved; it was worn around the edges and lightly bleached from too many washes.

I didn’t let him speak the words ‘I love you’, so he found other ways to say it instead.

Under the covers I inched over to where he lay, snaking my arm around his waist and pulling myself as close as I could to his back.

“Thank you, Spencer.” I said with shaky reverence. I wasn’t talking about the sweatshirt.

An equally unsteady breath left him, and I knew he was avoiding looking at me for a reason. I wasn’t going to make him. He put his hand over mine on his chest, holding tightly for a moment before relieving the pressure.

He didn’t say it, but I could hear it in his thoughts.

‘Don’t,’ he had warned me, ‘I won’t be able to stop myself.’

Why hadn’t I listened? Why had I let him kiss me like that? Had I make a mistake in stopping those words?

Had that been the only chance I’d ever have to hear Spencer Reid say he loved me, even if it wouldn’t have been entirely true?

His heart beat against my heart to remind me that I was still in this moment with him. He let me hold him as I drifted off to sleep.

I wondered if he would still join me in my dreams.

—————————————————

When the sun peeked through the windows it landed on the bed next to me, my arms clinging to sheets and empty space.

Spencer was not there anymore.  

Although I hadn’t expected it to be the same as before, I was surprised to find the nothingness. The bed wasn’t even warm, a sign he hadn’t been there in some time.

Trying not to panic, I managed to slip on leggings and pack up my things. I wasn’t even sure what I would do if he wasn’t here. Before I would have loved the opportunity to get to snoop, but now it just felt dreadful to be here without him.

Luckily, it wasn’t too hard to find him. I rounded the corner, spotting him curled up on his couch with his head resting against his arm. He looked miserable, the bags under his eyes visible despite his being asleep.

The alarms in my mind were blaring, and I begged them to be quiet. My heart was breaking with each step he didn’t wake up. Left with no other choice, I placed a heavy hand on his shoulder, hoping not to spook him with a lighter touch.

He immediately stirred awake, seemingly surprised that he had fallen asleep in the first place.

“Spencer, are you alright?” I asked as I got down on my knees in front of him, meeting his height as he sat up.

“What time is it?” He ignored my question.

“9:30,” I replied patiently, my hands resting on his knee. “Why are you out here?”

His hands ran over his face like it would answer my question. I wasn’t giving up, though, continuing my questions until he answered at least one of them.

“Did you have another nightmare? Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Just shut up,” he snapped, and I actually jumped at the words.

“I-I’m sorry,” my voice shook as I watched the guilt wash over him. My hands dropped from his lap and my body shrunk into itself. “I didn’t mean to—”

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, it’s not you. I just— I couldn’t sleep.” Like that wasn’t fucking obvious. I felt terrible but I didn’t know how to reach him like this.

He had to let me.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Something happened in the pause between us. Spencer’s eyes met mine, and I felt the way he was tugging at my heart.

His tongue swept over his lips, contemplating whether I was safe to share this unknown weight with. His mouth barely opened, a sharp inhale that usually precedes catharsis.

I never got my answer.

The knocking on the door was more like an insistent banging, with a very worried male voice on the other side.

“Reid, it’s Morgan. Is your phone broken? Where you at, man?”

Spencer hadn’t looked this rattled in all the time I'd known him - not even when he’d found out he was hanging out with a criminal (me).

“Oh, shit,” he hissed, grabbing me by the arm and pulling me away from the couch. “Shit, (y/n), go to my room.”

“What? Who is that?” I whispered back, looking back at the door as the man continued to knock.

“Go,” he cryptically replied. So I did, bolting down the hallway and waiting as I heard him answer the door.

“Hey, sorry, my phone died.” Spencer explained to the man I couldn’t see.

“You look like hell. Everything alright?” At least this man shared my concern for the obvious mental breakdown he was clearly going through. “Yeah, I just… didn’t get much sleep.”

As much as the man seemed not to trust the response, he sighed. “Well, tough break. We’ve got a case. I’ve been calling you for an hour. You can sleep on the flight. We’ve gotta go.”

“Alright. Give me a minute, I’ll meet you at the car.”

Okay, that was a plan. Then at least I could get out of here before Spencer did. Not like it would be bad if I left after him, but I just wasn’t sure if that’s something he wanted to do.

“Reid, wait,” the man named Morgan said, clearly stopping the door from shutting. “Are you sure you’re alright? I can tell Hotch you can’t make it if you’re not.”

Perceptive. I guess that was their job.

“I’m fine,” Spencer clearly lied, “go wait by the car.”

The sound of the door clicking shut was what I needed to breathe again, and I relaxed against the wall just in time for Spencer to briskly walk past me, not even pausing to look at me.

I padded after him, grateful that I had already packed up my stuff. I picked up the bag, pausing to stare at him. He could feel it but didn’t make any indication of how he felt about it.

“Just go.”

My lips tucked together, trying to find the right words to say right now. He was frantically packing stuff together in a go bag he never even had a chance to unpack from the last time. I had begun to turn when he stopped, tossing the clothes at the bag as he rushed over to me.

His hands grabbed my face, crashing his lips against mine in a flagrantly fond manner. It felt like a kiss meant to say goodbye for longer than one trip.

Now even more wary, I grabbed onto his wrists by my face, looking up at him with one more plea. “Please, Spencer. Take care of yourself. Come home safe.”

For the first time, his eyes flickered down to his sweatshirt swamping my figure. Although startled, I could see the desire to please me behind the wall steadily forming between us.

“I will.”

I was not convinced, but he wasn’t going to accomplish that any time soon. I let him go, turning back to watch him one more time before I left.

As I exited his apartment I pulled the door softly, turning the handle and waiting for it to close fully before releasing the latch.

“Hey,” a confused voice rang out. I was not alone in this hallway.

Like a deer in the headlights, I didn’t even look at the man whose voice I immediately recognized as the one who had been at Spencer’s door a few minutes earlier.

Shit! He was supposed to be down by the car!

“Sorry to scare you. I just… Well, to be honest, I don’t really know what to say. It’s usually Reid that catches girls leaving my apartment.”

The inside of my brain was literally just screaming, my hands beginning to shake as I stepped back from the door, frantically avoiding eye contact with Spencer’s coworker.

“I-I was… You know, it’s not like… That.” I stumbled over words, sounding like a fucking idiot. Morgan’s eyebrows raised, a clever smirk on his face as he laughed.

“Babygirl. It’s 9:30 in the morning,” he pointedly remarked, an accusing finger aimed at the logo on my shirt, “and that’s not your sweatshirt.” Fuck! I forgot I was even fucking wearing it!

“I might not be Reid, but I know this isn’t a study group.”

All of the admittedly poor excuses in my mind came out in a defeated whine, my head hanging in shame. “Pleeease don’t tell Spencer.”

His chuckle was comforting. I understand now why they’re so good at what they do.

“No worries. I’m just glad you didn’t keep him any longer. I’m guessing you’re the one that kept him up all night.”

My face fell, and the way he responded told me he immediately understood why. He didn’t ask, although I could tell he wanted to.

“I... I’m worried about him.” My hands clasped together in front of me, worrying the sleeves under my fingers. He turned to face me more fully, and I could feel the way he inspected each movement of my body. He wasn’t as subtle as Spencer, which was its own relief.

“Will you keep an eye on him?” I blurted out, finally making strong eye contact. “Make sure h-he takes care of himself. That he’s okay?”

Morgan nodded, a familiar solemn look on his face. “Yeah, of course. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks,” I sighed, tucking my hair behind my ear as I glanced down the hallway. “Uh, I-I should go before he comes out.”

He followed my line of sight down the hallway, then nodded again. As I passed him, he called to me one more time, “What’s your name?”

I halted mid-step, not sure how to respond. I didn’t turn around, forcing out my first name as quickly as I could.

“(Y/n).”

Only time would tell if I’d just made a terrible mistake.

—————————————————

There was something about cases like these, the ones where the happy ending isn’t nearly happy enough, that stick with me. I had fucked up yesterday and I knew it. I’d let my emotions get the better of me and made a stupid mistake that could have hurt people.

Thankfully, it didn’t. But I knew that the man in the driver’s seat next to me was still fuming. If it was any consolation to Derek, I was just as upset with myself. But that didn’t stop him from asking the question I’d been waiting for since he first picked me up at my apartment.

“What’s been up with you, man?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I mumbled back under my breath, acutely aware of how unconvincing it was. I hadn’t slept in days and my head was killing me. It took everything in me not to wear sunglasses right now, knowing that he would use it against me.

“Nah, we’re not playing like this. This isn’t just about you, Reid. You need to talk to me. How am I supposed to trust you?” There it was. He was acting like he hadn’t seen this coming. As much as I didn’t want it to be true, we were all profilers. He could either keep acting like he hadn’t been overanalyzing everything I did and shut up, or let it go.  

“Nothing’s changed!” I nearly shouted, “There’s no reason you shouldn’t!” It wasn’t true, but I wasn’t going down this road without a fight.

“Something is up with you, man. And it’s making you reckless.”

Ha! Of all the people to lecture me about being emotional, immature, or selfish? What a joke. “Oh, I’m reckless?”

“Yeah, Reid. You are.” His tensed jaw in his stern reply lit an anger in my chest that I was holding back with every bit of strength I had.

“Do you know what happened the other day when I came to get you? After you let your phone die cause you weren’t sleeping? A girl came out of your apartment and told me she was worried about you. You wanna tell me about that?”

I can’t even pinpoint which word that came out of his mouth set off the blind rage in my mind. The pulsating pain in my temples was nothing compared to the bile that stung my throat or how my stomach tied itself into knots. She did what?

The pause was stretching too long; I was giving him too much information. But my response was just as pathetic, my voice cracking as I whispered, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Damn right I don’t. Cause you haven’t told me anything about this.” I could barely see straight, nonetheless comprehend what he was saying to me. I wanted to scream at her right now. She told Morgan? What the hell was she thinking? This was my career!

“What’s a girl doing leaving your apartment in your clothes, telling me to look after you?” God, he was still talking. I don’t know how I would handle this situation without the headaches, and I certainly don’t want to handle it in a car after watching someone blow their fucking brains out in front of me.  

“Hey, Morgan, here’s an idea. How about we don’t interrogate girls the other one is sleeping with?” I snapped, my hands finally leaving their clenched fists.

“I didn’t ask her shit, Reid. She looked terrified. How old is she anyway? 25?”

This was more than he was ever meant to know – especially at this point. I wasn’t prepared at all to handle everything that was going on with her. That’s why I hadn’t told anyone about her. I’d wanted time to deal with the shit I already had going on. It hadn’t been long since Emily waltzed back into my life, taking any trust I had in JJ with her entrance.

It hadn’t been long since I had to hold tighter to my NA chip to stop me from dipping into the locked box in my apartment. I can’t handle this. I couldn’t handle her if she was going to make my life any more complicated than it already was.

“She’s not important.” I tried to convince myself the words were true.

“Really? She’s not important but you give her your sweatshirt?” Of course he fucking caught that little detail. I rubbed my forehead, the pain returning in a crushing manner. I felt like I couldn’t fucking breathe.

“I’m not buying it, Reid.”

That was it. That was all it took for me to lose any sense of sanity or compassion I had left in reserve, my voice raising higher than I’d used with Derek before.

“Morgan, she’s just some stupid fucking girl I picked up at a bar. It doesn’t matter what she said. She doesn’t know anything about me, okay? She’s no one.”

The look on his face as the scathing words burned my tongue told me neither of us believed me, but neither of us was going to challenge it, either.

“Fine,” he said, defeated, “Sorry I even asked.”

I leaned back in my chair, giving in to the temptation and putting my sunglasses on.

“Great.”

—————————————————

The sound of my phone going off woke me, and I was a little surprised to see Spencer calling me in the middle of the night. Usually he texted me to avoid this situation. Especially on a weeknight.

I picked up the phone, my voice groggy and unsure, “Spencer? It’s after midnight. What’s up. Are you alright? Did you just get home?”

Nothing could have prepared me for the hostility I was immediately met with. “Yeah, I did, and I had a very interesting conversation with Morgan. Do you want to explain what the fuck that was about?”

My heart clenched in my chest, and I grabbed my head to try and stop it from spinning. It didn’t work.

“M-Morgan...?” I stuttered, trying to regulate my vitals, “Is that the guy from the other day?”

“I’m pretty sure you know who he is, (y/n).” Spencer’s voice was quick, harsh, and unrelenting. I’d never heard him like this before.

“What did he say? Are you alright?”

“No, not really, I’m pretty fucking pissed.” I could already feel the tears pooling in my eyes, knowing that I’d make a mistake I couldn’t take back. Knowing I would have to deal with this all, right now.

“Telling my team that you think I’m unstable? What the fuck were you thinking?”

I scrambled to defend myself, since he sure wasn’t going to do it for me. “I never said that, Spencer.” My tone was beginning to match his, and I hated it. I didn’t want to fight with him.

“Well what did you say, then?”

I ran a hand through my hair, looking over at the clock on my nightstand that read 1:01 AM and mourning the sleep I was never going to get now.

“Please, let’s talk about this in the morning. You need to sleep. We both do.”

“Fuck that, we’re talking about it right now.” The noise that came out of my mouth was halfway between a sob and a sigh, tears starting to stain my face as I tried to stop them from going too far.

He didn’t seem to care, continuing on his tirade, “I don’t have the luxury of pretending like nothing happened and going on with my life like a selfish fucking child.”

“That’s not fair, Spencer,” I croaked.

“Oh, it’s not fair? It’s not fair for me to treat you like a child now? After you jeopardize my career?” There was some truth to his words; I had crossed a line that I shouldn’t have. But was that really my fault, that I cared about him when he didn’t?

“Spencer, I was worried about you! You hadn’t slept in two days. You were crying in your sleep. What was I supposed to do?” The light in the hallway came on as my roommate woke up to the sounds of my hushed yelling.

Great, another problem for me to deal with. Another person I was inconveniencing.

“Mind your own fucking business and not tell my coworkers, for one.”

Quieter now, my hands motioned around me like he would be able to see it. Through clenched teeth I urged, “Let’s not pretend like I didn’t have reason to be concerned.”

Spencer bitterly laughed, “What the fuck do you know?”

There was no attempt to stymie my voice nor frustration now, practically yelling into the phone.

“You almost told me you fucking loved me, Spencer! You don’t fucking love me! You don’t even know me!”

A pregnant pause following, and I could practically see the way he was clenching his eyes shut, trying to hide his blatantly obvious emotions behind his hands. “I didn’t say it though, did I?”

Now it was my turn to scoff. “Because I stopped you!”

“And that’s my fault?!” He shouted back.

Throwing my head back against the headboard, I winced at the distraction of the pain. Maybe it knocked some sense into me, because I was starting to remember that this man wasn’t supposed to be the enemy.

“I’m not blaming you, Spencer.” With a deep breath, I tried not to sound like I was crying.

“But I’m not going to let you sabotage this relationship, either. Tell me right now that if I’d let you say it, you wouldn’t have found another reason to end things. Just like you are right now.”

It was hard not to let the anger bleed through my voice as I tried to keep it together for both of our sakes.

His reply was much quicker now, “(Y/n), we don’t have a relationship.”

The words were like a kick to the stomach, and I doubled over as if one had actually landed. We were really still acting like this was fucking normal friendship? Pouring our hearts out and screaming at each other at 1 AM?

“And right now the conversation isn’t about something I did. It’s about you trying to ruin my entire fucking life over your sick idea of romance.” Is that really what he thought I was fucking doing? I was over here worrying about whether he was going to come home safe and he thought I was just trying to get attention? Unable to tell if this was genuine miscommunication or just him projecting, I needed to see him.

“I just... if we have to talk about this tonight, please just come over. We can talk about it.” The emotion was clear in my voice, and I couldn’t hide the tears any longer. I was practically choking on the words, feeling the pain in each fiber of my being.

At this point, I didn’t even care about him being with me. I just wanted him to be okay.

“Come over? Why, so you can try to convince me to fuck you so I forget about it?”

Choking on my breath that was coming in gasps, my voice matching the static of the background noise. “Excuse me?”

Blood boiling and burning breath, I seethed, “What the fuck is the matter with you?!”

“If you know me so well, why don’t you tell me yourself?” He scoffed to hide the hoarseness in his voice.

Was he crying?

“Stop being like this, Spencer. Please.” I was begging him. “I was worried about you. And clearly, I was right to be.”

“How about you worry about yourself before you try to fix other people, (y/n).” There was no laughter or hesitance now, just bitterness and unprecedented hate he was projecting on me.

“Me? What the fuck did I do?”

“Aside from breaking the law literally the first night I met you?” I rolled my eyes at the pathetic excuse. Like I was the first person to ever use a fake ID. He didn’t seem to mind it that badly before.

But it was what came next that vaulted way too far over the line.

“How about how you constantly require some twisted, sadistic attention to make up for all your fucking daddy issues?”

“Daddy issues?!” The guttural growl came from a darker side of myself that Spencer had never seen. “Oh you want to talk about daddy issues, motherfucker? What do my daddy issues say about you? What does it mean that you want to act on them? How you love to tell me I’m your little girl while you fuck me? Or how about calling me a bitch while you fantasize about putting a baby in me? Don’t fucking talk to me about my daddy issues, Spencer.”

Heavy breaths were mirrored through the phone, the line eerily quiet without the screaming accusations.

“I’m done talking to you.” He was quiet now, resigned to the end we had reached. But I wasn’t done yet. I was still mad. Daddy issues? Fuck him.

“Why? Because you can’t handle the fact that I’m right? Because you’re ashamed of me? It’s okay to have feelings, Spencer. I just want you to talk to me about them instead of acting like everything is fine when it’s clearly fucking not.”

“Don’t ever contact a member of my team again. I don’t want or need your help. You don’t know fucking anything. You’re not my girlfriend. You never were.” I’m not sure if a yell would have been any better, but the sudden clarity in his voice killed me all the same. Crying loudly into the receiver, I closed my eyes, pleading his name one more time.

“Spenc—“ I never got to finish. He didn’t even say goodbye.

I wasn’t even worth that.

The sound of the dial tone was deafening, burning into my brain as I clutched the phone in my hand before tossing it across the room. I shrunk into myself, pulling my knees to my chest and burying my face in them.

I don’t even know what had happened. The call had barely lasted five minutes. That’s how long it took for everything to come crashing down around me.

Falling onto my side as the sobs wrecked my body, I spotted that stupid fucking sweatshirt next to me. Torn between wanting to burn it and cling to it, I chose the latter. I buried my face in the fabric, trying to breathe in the way it still smelled like his room.

Would I ever be there with him again? Was he really going to throw it all away that easily?

I knew he didn’t love me like he thought he did, but had I really underestimated just how little I meant to him? I hadn’t, had I? It couldn’t have just been me.

He didn’t get to be the one to tell me that he loved me right before he left me.

He didn’t get to do that when I was the one who fell in love first.

Spencer Reid had just made an enemy of the wrong girl.

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| Part 7 |