#it's less of an 'i am going to kill myself'

[luxlightly]

Drawing steps

Step 1: try to draw

Step 2: fail to draw

Step 3: 10-30 of the most intense, violent anger, self loathing and impulse to break things and/or self harm ever felt by mankind

Step 4: anywhere between a few hours to a few weeks of depression and suicidal ideation, occasionally going back to extreme self loathing and anger

Step 5: wait until the temptation to try again grows too strong to resist and go back to step 1

( at least this time my anger and frustration was slightly less aimed at myself and more outwardly aimed at fate. So i guess that's progress. We'll see how long step 4 lasts. In the meantime I'll be face down in bed listening to "please please please let me get what I want" by the Smiths when it doesn't make me want to kill myself too strongly)

[sergle]

has the huggable twee irritation always been a Thing or did it evolve in response to like, "you're not ugly. i'd fuck you" type comments? like in your personal experience

god, I'm not well spoken enough to describe it exactly the way it Registers In My Brain... but like. It's not the "you're not ugly, I'd fuck you" genre, and that type of comment is so easy to immediately dismiss because it always comes from a certain type of man, and it's like yeah yeah, I could throw a sandwich and you'd fuck it before it hit the floor. But also, that one's so specific, it's a bottom-of-the-barrel "compliment" that dudes will give when a woman has actively said something about feeling like she's unattractive.

The HUGGABLE THING. The oooh squishy marshmallow somft huggable mom shaped 🥺🥰 She looks like she gives GREAT HUGS. Those comments are UNPROMPTED. I'm immediately like. Every keyword you say, I kill another hostage. I will blow up this whole building and everyone in it. Because it is SO FUCKING WEIRD. And I have heard it one million times. And I see it on every drawing of a character who's even remotely plus sized. These comments would not fly for a thinner person, they'd be rightfully received as weird. People aren't gonna comment on a picture of Ariana Grande going omg she's sooo huggable mom friend shaped. WHAT. Simultaneously are desexualized and sanitized to a weird degree in that uwu language way, WHILE also being creepy. Like, why are you describing what you think I'd feel like if you hugged me? Like the only positive thing you can think of to say is that I look like I have some give. As strangers. I'm not going to hug you, I think you're a creep and I think you're giving yourself a big pat on the back for complimenting a fat person. What are we doing I'm arguing at the air. Where am I And you're just supposed to go oh thank you that's so nice, because as a fat person, you gotta take whatever compliment you get, even if it is actually not a compliment. And that's the thing, there are SO MANY ACTUAL COMPLIMENTS TO PICK FROM. But people settle on huggable and somft. Was this person pretty? Were they hot? You could say gorgeous? Handsome, beautiful? Elegant? Stunning? Sharp? Sexy? Stylish? Are you trying to say that you're attracted to this person's body? Are we being horny? Do you think they just look nice in general? Can't we think of anything else to say? Or are we just gonna sit here and say they fuckin look like Santa Claus. Huggable like a pillow. Girl what the fuck

[faaun]

i should have never dated an iranian person like i told myself i would never do it bc it would be too much intensity all in one place and i was RIGHT now that i've experienced it (smn who can engage in poetry in a similar way, talk in the same language, making all the cultural stuff gay and hot, etc) i feel like without those aspects things will just be missing Something like from now on . idk . let's drink black tea w saffron and then make out . i've never celebrated the solar new year or leapt over a fire the wednesday before or read romantic hafez poetry w someone who loves me romantically and now i crave it . so much

[b0ylik3r]

i hate scene kids who wear gir stuff that haven't watched invader zim. im about to gatekeep gir from people. name the plot of 3 episodes and 5 characters NOW!!!!!!

[skrunksthatwunk]

not gonna elaborate for now but why did none of y'all tell me the no.6 light novels were Like That (/pos in like a mildly baffled and mostly enthralled kinda way)

[averlym]

"bad decisions, that's alright; look, i'm still alive"

[digitaldiseas3]

it’s so odd hanging around ppl who are terrified of gaining weight. like the other day i was just chilling in this girl’s hotel room while she called her best friend back home and the friend was like “if i ever act like so-and-so, you need to kill me” and this girl was like “deal, and if i ever get fat you need to kill Me” and i was sitting there like WOAH. what???? hello????? oh my god?????

[seventh-district]

not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

[tamagotchikgs]

heavily debating whether i should start a fast or make pizza

[spite-and-waffles]

I get so infuriated when people reduce Jason's ultimatum to "trying to force Bruce to kill someone to prove his love". The dishonesty of it. Remove all context from the situation and make it sound like an insane inhumane choice. I can do that too actually. Batman is a rich kid who whales on poor and mentally ill people instead of going to therapy. He colludes with cops to bypass due process and collect evidence illegally. He creates child soldiers and makes them into canon fodder for his obsession. It sounds pretty indefensible when you remove every single context and convention that makes a story work doesn't it? Almost like you're only willing to extend the in-universe rules to the rich white manbaby and not the child whose death he was responsible for, huh?

Also? Moral absolutism is harmful and egoistic. You shouldn't kill people, not even criminals, of course not. But that doesn't mean refusing to kill in any situation whatsoever is the moral choice. There's a difference between killing to protect and killing to avenge. Between killing an active threat who will definitely escape and slaughter a family and killing one who is safely contained. Any rule that's taken purely prescriptively and without regard to the individual context of the choice is simply dogma. Especially if the role you have voluntarily taken on requires the willingness to do whatever it takes to do your fucking job. That's why morality isn't fucking black and white.

That's the crux of it for me; why I take this defense of Batman's choices so personally. I don't trust people who see the world in such a black and white way (this includes Jason, who is exactly as myopic as Bruce, but happens to be right about the Joker imo. Fortunately he's a fictional character and also a kid who has not yet had the opportunity to grow, unlike Bruce). I don't trust people who think morality is about a set of correct judgements rather than the process by which you arrive at said judgements. I don't trust people who won't fucking choose. Inaction is complicity, bitch. The consequences of your choices exist and fall on other people regardless of your refusal to take responsibility for them. Bottomline – if your version of "mercy" results in the death and suffering of other people, maybe consider that you're the villain of the story.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-dragonage]

Me, when Sebastian joins my party for the first time: Okay, this time I'm not going to forget about you, Sebastian. I'm going to make an effort to use you a lot this playthrough so I can better understand you.

Also me, immediately forgetting about Sebastian while finishing Act 2 and making it halfway through Act 3 before I finally notice his Faith quest: ......................Oh. Right. My bad.

[lilaccatholic]

how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?

[vincent-sinclair-deserved-better]

hm

thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol

[rustedpipe]

yeah i might have to go to killing myself island

[rithmeres]

genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry

[player1064]

ok first of all love your stuff second of all gary getting all flustered about freddie flintoff in 'it's just not what's done' is one of my favourite things in any fic and i would adore it if you wrote anything more involving gary getting flustered about the big handsome cricket man if you ever got the chance

I! LOVE! GARY GETTING FLUSTERED OVER BIG HANDOME CRICKET MAN FREDDIE FLINTOFF!!!! his poor gay nerves can't handle it........ can you IMAGINE if beautiful twink (~96-99) Gary had met him I think he would probably have died.

ANYWAY this lil drabble is set in the same fic universe as 'it's just not what's done' just bc I like writing openly gay but still hopeless with men Gary... and him and Carra still fighting the inevitable friendship that is coming for them...

---

The first planning session each Monday is more of a ‘sit in a conference room eating breakfast and chatting about the weekend’s games’ than it is a serious broadcasting meeting. It’s an almost nice start to a long day of meetings and rehearsals and shooting.

When they call time the producers all scuttle off to go spin their idle chit-chat into an hour’s worth of television, and the ‘talent’ (or whatever Carragher’s classed as) have a couple of hours to kill before the next meeting.

Gary, of course, usually spends it working. He’s no idea what Carragher does, only that he leaves their dressing room blissfully undisturbed for the full two hours, which is all he really needs to know.

Except, today Carragher pauses on his way out and says “thought I might try out one of them classes they have at the gym, fancy joining?”

Gary looks around the (now empty) room for who he could possibly be talking to, because there’s no way it’s him. He scoffs. “Do I look like I go to the gym, Carragher?”

“You look like you should,” Carragher replies, and so now Gary has no choice but to go just to prove him wrong.

He changes into baggy shorts and a t-shirt that’s tighter than he remembers it being when he bought it, and follows Carragher into the fitness studio part of the on campus gym.

And immediately walks back out when he sees which of his other esteemed colleagues have decided to spend their Monday mornings doing fucking yoga, of all things.

“Carra!” he hears a cockney accent greet as he starts to speed walk away, “and was that Gary I saw with you a second ago – oi, Nev! D’you forget something, I think we’re meant to be starting soon.”

Gary reluctantly turns back around and pastes on a smile, tugging self-consciously at the hem of his shirt. “Alright, Jamie?” he says with a nod, then turns to look at the man beside him and manages to get out a  single-syllable greeting of “Fred” without incident.

Carragher looks at him curiously, and he feels his stupid face heat up under the scrutiny.

“Just going to – just gonna head to my mat, then,” he says to a point on the wall behind Jamie and Freddie, and he hurries over to the furthest corner of the room possible.

Annoyingly, Carragher follows him.

“That was weird,” he says, voice hushed while the teacher walks up to the front and starts the introductions. “You’re weird, d’you know that?”

Gary tries to pay attention to what’s being said up front, but can’t help but frown and reply “dunno what you’re talkin’ about.”

Carragher leaves it, but a few minutes into the class the other Jamie and Freddie drag their mats closer and start up a continual stream of chatter that’s hard to ignore.

At one point, the teacher looks over to their corner and shushes them so harshly that Gary loses his concentration and stumbles a bit. He braces himself for a fall that doesn’t come, because there’s suddenly a warm hand on his elbow and – and, actually, maybe the fall would’ve been better.  Less embarrassing, surely, than having to look up at Freddie fucking Flintoff and mumble a thanks, and then turning away just a fraction too quickly and stumbling again, this time right into the poor man’s bare chest, because of fucking course he has taken his fucking shirt off for a fucking yoga class, why the fuck wouldn’t he?

He's just about ready to melt into the floor in a puddle of shame when the teacher points at them and says “you four, out!”, and he and Carragher are ushered out of the room by a giggling Jamie and Freddie.

“Didn’t yous say in your autobiography, Neville, that you got kicked out of yoga in playing days?” Carragher asks blithely.

Freddie is still stood close enough to Gary that he can feel his body heat, so with effort he manages to quite admirably reply with a hum and a shrug.

“Christ, if I’d known yoga w’you two idiots was all it took to get ‘im to shut up I’d’ve done it a year ago,” teases Carragher

Jamie reaches an arm out to ruffle Gary’s hair. “Aw, poor Nev’s got a little crush on me, don’t he? Can’t ever keep his head on around all this perfection.”

If he hadn’t played for Liverpool, Gary would be tempted to call Jamie Redknapp a good friend. Carragher and Freddie both scoff and start teasing Jamie and his vanity, and Gary’s able to regain enough composure to take a step away from Freddie and join in.

“Not if you were the last man on earth, Redknapp,” he says, then internally cringes at how his voice comes out just a little too loud.

Freddie laughs, elbows Jamie in the side. “Think you’re the one wit’ crush, Jamie,” he says, glancing over to Gary and Carragher with a wink. “Every time we see ‘im it’s ‘ooh, Gary, tell me I’m pretty’, ‘Gary, look, my biceps are bigger’n Fred’s’ – which is bullshit, just by the way – ‘Gary, stop starin’ at Fred and come pay attention to me’.”

Carragher looks between Freddie and Jamie, then turns to Gary with a squint. Gary prays to whatever god might be listening for him not to open that big ugly Scouse mouth of his.

No such luck.

“The two a’yous do realise who you’re squabblin’ over, right? Gary Neville, Christ, ‘ave some self-respect. He’s not even the best lookin’ footballer in his own family.”