#it's like ive lost all motivation to live

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

how do you keep working towards a better future when you know everything is meaningless futile out of control depends on the whims and tantrums of your fuckass father pointless empty unfulfilling doomed useless and easy to destroy

[insert-neologism]

bad astrology by flower face

[hecksupremechips]

Love being a boy who likes others boys like damn this is pretty silly I can’t believe we aren’t all doing this

[komiiko]

my agoraphobia keeps getting worse and worse................ im scared but I powerless

[scattered-winter]

damn the loneliness really do be hitting huh

[yejinnie]

☆ father like son.

- pairing. leeknow x reader

- tags. fluff

you came to your boyfriend's apartment to pet sit his three cats, which it was a miracle to you, as boredom was consuming you whole when you were home alone. however, as the whines that left your lover's and his three cats mouth, you realised how much in common your son's have with their father.

it was an quiet afternoon, were you find yourself longing for the day to end, due to the extraordinary boringness that was swallowing you whole.

tired sighs left your mouth, it seemed as if you been laying on your back for hours, seemlessly scrolling through your phone, however, it has only been 20 minutes.

the whole day has been wasted just like that, but it wasn't because you weren't motivated, it just was because there was nothing on your to-do list today, therefore, there was nothing to preoccupied the void that filled your brain with boredom.

you layed on your back on the cold wooden floor in your living room, the tunes in the background coming from your tv and the cold sensation from the wooden floor pressing amongst your back, was long forgotten. you were lost in the mind of your own.

however you were shortly interrupted by the ringing sound coming from your phone. your eyes weren't bothered to check who the caller was, as you felt it may of have been a scammer.

"hello?" you picked up, a confused tone leaving your mouth, as you listen to the sweet voice that had easily just lighten your terrible day by three words.

"wanna come over?"

a smile perked up your face and before you knew it, you started to sprint towards the front door. "i'll be right there!!"

who knew your day could easily be lighten up by a boy who owned three cats?

three quicken knocks hit the door of where your lover lives, slowly opening to reveal the kitten obsessed boy. leeknow stood there, wearing his usual grey sweatpants and white t-shirt, interwining both of your hands together and pulling you into a warm hug.

you stood there for a few seconds, allowing yourself to feel his warmth against your collided bodies, lost in the moment together.

however, this peaceful moment was interrupted by a furry figure that rubbed against your legs, begging for attention, which his two other brothers started to join after seeing your figure hidden by your boyfriend's back.

"i think that a sign to go inside" minho chuckled, still holding your hand while pulling you inside his apartment.

it's been a few hours since you been pet sitting with your boyfriend, however, night was falling and your desire to sleep was nearing.

"jagiya~ stay with me" lino whined, revealing his cute pout which easily persuaded you to stay. His sons crawled to where you sat on the couch, rubbing against your soft skin, purring and whining just like their father.

"fine, since you keep sulking" you teasingly responded, earning a clingy and more pouting leeknow, who kept saying he wasn't.

layed in your lovers bed, his fit arms firmly holding you tight against his chest, protecting you from the world.

there stood his little three furry sons, soonie, doongie and dori, cuddling with you guys, as if they were jealous.

littles whiney purs were heard from the three cats, making you and leeknow move your attention to them, before placing them between the both of you.

sleep over took all of you, embracing the moment, holding your sleeping lover and your three babies closely near you, with one thing left in your mind before you were drifted into dreamland.

'you are just like your father, whiny, clingy and will always win my heart'.

thank you for all the supports!! omg ive gotten so many notes it's fascinating and I'm literally dying from shock with how much attention I've been getting lately!!

now it would be an honour to write about what you guys want, so please, send me some requests of what you want me to write and ill try my best to construct it into your liking!! (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*

[idolomantises]

I think I’m gonna discuss this once and hopefully never have to bring it up again. Originally I wanted to talk about it on Twitter but people are very disrespectful when it comes to mental health so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Basically, I haven’t been doing so great, mentally. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m safe and surrounded by people I care about, and it’s been like that for months. I just, I haven’t been feeling good.

For people who do follow me on accounts like Twitter and Instagram, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything new since January. I was struggling to feel motivated to make something for my main accounts despite having countless ideas I’d love to work on. I feel better now and do plan on getting something done in March, but that sudden lack of motivation is pretty rare for me. Art is not only my job but a big hobby for me, I just love drawing. I did get some nsfw art done at least.

I don’t know what really prompted my mental health decline, I’ve been getting a few worried messages and fanart because someone insulted my art. But that didn’t hurt me at all, it actually boosted my account and patreon.

I guess I just… got sad?

I have a really bad tendency to suppress and even ignore my trauma and feelings of guilt. And I guess one day I really sat with my thoughts and I just, lost it I guess. I have so much traumatic memories and sudden and intense feelings of self loathing, something I’ve never felt in almost a decade, that it got overwhelming. I couldn’t reassure myself, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because how do you confront things that happened years ago? You feel almost irrational. It’s just memories that haunt you, it’s nothing physical or tangible and yet it’s a crushing feeling of anxiety, self hatred and resentment.

I was crying almost every day, and crying so much that my eyes kept hurting long after I was done, and I could barely see my own screen. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about myself and others, thoughts I can’t get into because they’re so deeply irrational. I was feeling suicidal urges and thoughts of self harm. I don’t see myself doing it, but it’s so frequent and overwhelming it’s like I’m already planning my suicide note.

I was talking to my therapist about it, that I was starting to hate being alive. That I hated living. That I could spend the next 50 years of my life with no more conflict or trauma and I’d still be in intense misery and turmoil. They’re feelings I couldn’t really bring myself to tell friends about because what could they say? How do you calm yourself down and reassure yourself. I can’t even talk about my trauma verbally without crying. And it’s funny because sometimes minor irks started to affect me negatively. I was feeling anxious about what to draw because I didn’t want to do deal with homophobic backlash.

I went to a therapist, I talked to friends, Ive been working out more and eating better, I did everything I should do to improve my mental health and all of a sudden a single night just sitting in my room destroyed everything I was slowly building up over the past 5 years.

It’s been really difficult for me. I think also, I just felt so much guilt over not being the best person I could be. I decided to lessen my online usage, not just for my mental health but because I really wanted to work on being a better person. I want to stop hating myself and letting my trauma push me down and I want to do just be better and do better as a person. A lot of people have been very forgiving and kind to me but I don’t feel like it’s enough and I want to do more and I want to feel better about myself. I want to give everything I can to people around me. I’ve been going to therapy a lot more lately and things are getting better for me, but it’s been a very slow process.

I just want to repeat that nothing serious has happened to me. Nobody attacked me in a way that negatively affected my health. A lot of people, friends and strangers have been really nice to me these past few months. I just was doing a lot of self reflecting and unintentionally forced myself to confront a lot of my trauma. I’m saying trauma a lot. I don’t want to get into depth about what I endured because it’s my business but people who do know me know how bad things were for me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I want to feel better, and I want to do better.

Sorry for the long read. That’s just how I feel.

[ivanzplaid]

Ok so I have this idea but I don't know how to write it. Can I get head cannons for Vincent Sinclair, Amanda Young, Billy Lenz, Otis Driftwood, Doomhead and Jason Voorhees if that's not too much. So they give their s/o a piece of clothing and their s/o returns it but they sprayed their perfume/colonge on it so it smells like them and the slashers reactions to finding that out. Thank you <3

im clearing out my inbox and i saw this and i screamed because I LOVE THIS PROMPT OMG??? adorable i love them all snd im screaming, you always give the best requests 😭

the slashers you chose are adorable theyre so perfect for this btw. ive been having some bill mosely brain rot so im literally rolling. i am adding leo barnes because yk i gotta spread my gospel about niche little characters i love, sorry man✊ but all other slashers are included!!

there are only 10-12 hcs per character this time because theres so many people my b💔

requests r open, masterlist is up!!!

Slashers + Leo Barnes x Gn!Reader + Giving back clothes (that smells like the reader)

Warnings: fluff, some wiseass comments from otis and doomhead, some trauma mentions from amanda, vincent & leo's source, like a LITTLE nsfw in leo's section.... mainly toothrotting fluff imma keep it real

Vincent Sinclair

vincent loves to be reminded of you, he loves to see himself in you ( or you in him ) because hes proud to have someone in his life as loving and gracious as you are, so he didnt hesitate to give his s/o a piece of his clothing

you wearing one of his sweaters, or even sweatpants, has him lightly smiling beneath his mask. he thinks you look like a piece of art in it, and wants to hold and touch you because of that

so after a few days of having it and wearing it, it was bound to smell like you. but just to play with him, you sprayed a little bit more of your cologne on, knowing he'll always think of you when wearing it

when he receives it, hes left wanting to be with you. youre on his brain, youve left him longing for your presence, something in his brain clicked. he'll be laying his head on your shoulder and laying with you, putting his head in the crook of your neck, or even painting you

he loves to be reminded of you, youre a comfort for him. hes unstable and unwell at times, so if youre ever not there or hes stalking his next victims, hes reassured by the thought of you. that youll be waiting or coming back for him soon

will steal your cologne to spray on himself sometimes. he cant hate, it smells good, you have taste. its a motivator for him sometimes, using it to get things done or complete projects that hes lost his spark on

has fallen asleep with his clothes on his face when you werent in bed with him. he didnt mean to, but he was so relaxed and tired, at ease for once, that he dozed off thinking of you

bo will think its ridiculous how he treasures those clothes and wears them more often, but vincents nature leads him to leaning back on you, and this helps with his anxiety or displeasure at times

hes reminded of certain memories you two have together when he smells it, reminiscing in those times. this may spark him to think of some more date ideas. it lowkey makes him more romantic because he wants to be greater for & with you

because of his childhood, stability and reassurance are things he needs, and this really helps him, both in the relationship and in his own life

Amanda Young

she is more than happy to give you her clothes, shes used to sharing and to have someone genuinely wanting her and to be reminded of her is something big

now she is a bit excited and suprised. she probably thinks you didnt mean to do this, and that your cologne/perfume accidentally rubbed off on the clothes she gave you, but its a happy suprise

is almost ashamed of how long she wears / doesnt wash the clothes. its comforting to know that you wore it, and lived in it, and was happy while doing so. she likes to have happy memories connected to her belongings, so this is meaningful

"You should wear my clothes more often- here," she says as she hands you a mound of stuff she thinks youd like. shes trying to be inconspicuous about it but you let out a slight giggle as you of course take it

likes to spritz herself with your perfume/cologne once before the day, it may not be the entirely same thing but she loves to copy what you do

will be more relaxed and in a better mood because of it, she'll be smiling a bit more often and giggling, and may even be in a lighter mood when shes out doing apprentice jobs

once she finds out you did it on purpose, she laughs and thinks its sweet how you thought if her and wanted to do this for her

will start to do it when you lend her clothes, making it a little tradition to spritz her perfume on anything you give her. it makes you laugh about how she picked up on it so quickly, but atleast your laundry hamper smells good now

the other apprentices and john start to notice her new perfume/cologne smell and are a bit curious, but she brushes it off. the others recognizing your perfume/cologne make her prideful to have and be with you, youre the thing shes most proud of

"I.. uhm, bought you more of your cologne/perfume, I noticed you were running low. And I know you really like it." she'll begin to memorize the brand and ones that you might like, surprising you with them as little gifts

Otis Driftwood

he loves sharing clothes, in fact, you two share a clothes drawer/closet. he thinks the moment you two shared a room was the moment your stuff was his and his was yours, he has a bad time with boundaries

he sees you one day in his t shirt and laughs, he thinks its funny that you wear his stuff casually. out of spite, he may steal one of your tops and parade around in it like an ass, but he does love seeing you in his stuff

however, when he gets it back, and is suffocated by your signature smell, he has two reactions. one is: "Aw sweetie what the hell *violently and dramatically coughs* im suffocatin' over here!" (he loves it)

and two is: "Oh baby.. you smell so good.. C'mere." he is going to be stuck on you and drunk on your cologne/perfume, yes he will be much more sexual, yes he is going to hover around you, entertaining you like this

he can never get enough of his s/o, and this only makes it worse. hes always thinking about you because the smell is always lingering in the back of his head

he'll get distracted easily and often forget what hes doing because hes wanting to be with you, or hes thinking about holding you. it'll be to the point where hes making his art pieces, configuring victims in the way he wants, and he just trails off

will hold you down and just rest his head in the crook of your neck so he can be at peace and smell your cologne/perfume, its calming to him and he does it to ground his mind alot

can and will bite you, little lovebites around your neck and collarbone because he has the urge to be close to you from your signature scent, its like primal urges with him

"Ohh Darlin'.. yer teasing me by smelling that good.." has very bad self restraint when it comes to you, he just loves you so much that he wants to show you

if grandpa hugo gives you any shit for wearing and 'fuckin up' otis's clothes, otis will not hesitate to defend you and call him delusional. is 100% at your defense because he doesnt let anyone shit talk you

Leo Barnes

leo may not care as much, he notices when youre actively wearing his stuff, but doesnt notice if some of his shirts are gone. he is a typical guy when it comes to that

however when he sees you in his clothes, its semi-comforting. its almost nice because he feels like youre protected, a vibe of "they're mine". hes a possessive and protective man, especially after his son died, he has an urge for you to be with him, and this is a way for you to be 'with him' in a sense

loves to come up behind you and rest his chin on your head, rubbing your arms as he secretly relishes in the sight of you. he is a is a secret physical contact love language guy if youve been in the relationship for a bit, it comforts him to know that youre there with him

when you finally give him back his clothes, he unsuspectingly finds out they smell like your cologne/perfume as he was going to wash them (which he quickly stopped, putting them to his nose to confirm his initial thought)

a sprinkle of nsfw... he secretly brings the clothes you spritzed your cologne/perfume on to his bed, shutting the door before laying down, holding it to his nose and jerking off, reminiscing on how tempting you are to do this to him, he'll be sure to confront you about it.. after hes finished

you'll see him immediately wear those clothes (casually of course, he cant let you think hes gone obsessed). its honestly therapeutic for him because of his trauma with loss of a loved one, feeling out of control and like he needs to have a sign of you with him

he'll confront you soooo normally about it, laughing and taunting you a bit about how you did this to torture him, since you knew he wouldnt be able to resist you. its loosened him up and made him a bit more soft. he'll laugh as he speaks and raises his eyebrows amused as you try to explain yourself

"So.. You drowned my clothes in your cologne/perfume? Not complaining.. the opposite actually. I'll be sure to get some more while I'm out," acting so nonchalant as he begins to mentally note the brand, hes now addicted to it because it represents you

will fall asleep with his head in the crook of your neck, or on your shoulder, because the smell comforts him to the point where hes able to be vulnerable, because he knows its you

almost makes him more possessive, he feels that youre his. the scent makes him more serious/stern when others are around, its literally primal for him, he cant help it

Doomhead

he thinks this is ALLL ridiculous, but isnt against it, quite the opposite, seeing you in his clothes makes him proud, and even if he teases you for it, he sees it as a sign of loyalty, and he ruffles/pats your hair when he sees it

"Well dontcha look nice now.. glad to see youre wasting my clean clothes" painfully an ass and sarcastic, but in one minute hes about to massage your shoulders because he needs to touch you since you look so perfect

if youve taken his sweatshirt or t shirt, he loves to grab you by the collar of it and pull you close, feeling a lot more in control snd dominant than usual

when you give him back his clothes, he tosses it aside, not using it or seeing what you did till he goes to wear it again (he js a STINKY man lets be real). when he finslly smells it, he laughs hard, knowing that you did it to get a reaction out of him, and thats what you'll get

he thinks its amusing, and he'll confront you in the most dramatic manner possible. putting and arm out and cornering you before slyly smiling, taunting you as he casually holds out the clothes

"Very amusing toots.. I love what youve done with it. You think I wouldnt notice?" after that hes going to drag you away, teasing you and giving you lovebites, tracing his finger over your shoulders, he wants you to know how much he likes it

can and will wear it to 31 if he can, hes not gonna tell you he did, but smelling you jolts him with motivation, especially when he knows he has a long night ahead of him

secretly steals your cologne/perfume if hes missing you, will snort it like its coke, but he needs it to stay stable for the moment

will hold onto you as you fall asleep in bed now, his grip is tight, he wants to fall asleep and wake up to your smell, it is oddly comforting and gives him a deep ass nights sleep

is a bit more in affection now because hes growing, he wants to be closer to you in any situation, his connection and relationship has grown deeper strangely because of this

Jason Vorhees

jason has very.. limited options for clothing, but his mother taught him well, so he shares like a gentleman. he'll even put it on you, gently placing his coat on your shoulders, or sliding you into his loose t-shirt

it brings him soso much joy to see you in his stuff, hes happy to know that you love it too, that you love him. seeing that its a bit big makes him smile, its funny how you still wear it even if it doesnt exactly fit

flaunt the outfits to him and he'll worship you, thinking of how good you look and how hes going to be lending you a lot more clothes, especially if you like it. if youre happy, hes happy

when he gets the clothes back, going to fold them back up to put away, he gets a sniff of them, and to his surprise, they smell lovely, they smell immensely like you. at first he assumes its just because you wore it so much, but he does inside love how abundant the cologne/perfume is, he relishes in it

is veryyy happy to see you the next morning, in an even greater mood than before, hugging you and picking you up everywhere, something about you is just a pick-me-up for him

youll see him wearing the outfit you had on.. no relation to anything, he just takes inspiration. however youll catch him holding a sleeve up and closing his eyes, and thats when you question him, which leads him to trying to shrug the topic off

youll say that you put some of your own cologne/perfume on for a little surprise, and thats when he realizes how lucky he is to be with you, he thinks youre so considerate for it, it almost reminds him of his mother, because she used to spray her perfume everywhere, giving him soft memories about him growing up with her, so this behavior is almost encouraged and is very comforting for him

he may start to want his own cologne after this, to match with you, and so he can smell good for you. he'd want the scents to match, and for his to compliment yours, because its the only right way in his mind

hes proud to be so lucky to have someone like you, wearing your cologne/perfume often, and spritzing it in moderation for when hes out hunting, still wanting to be reminded of you

he likes to have you lay on him while he sleeps, so that he can be close, trace your features, and be at totally contempt with his life

Billy Lenz

now billy is ecstatic about you taking his clothes, hes jumping off the walls and screaming in joy because you wanna even touch and be seen in his stuff, since hes used to being treated like a monster

he wants you to show him IMMEDIATELY what you look like in it, and hes going to be all touchy touchy, admiring you from every angle, maybe even stealing someones camera to get a photo

"Billy's pretty little piggy.. in his own shirt!! Too pretty.. too handsome..." he says as hes breathing heavily in your face, thinking hes acting normal

hes basically tracking when hes gonna get the clothes back because either way hes going to go insane and smell them and wear them and hold them

when he smells your cologne/perfume, he freezes in excitement before running to you, asking what you did and how you need to spray him with it and how he needs to hold you and cuddle you now because he needs to smell it again

when youre gone hes rummaging through your room, endlessly searching for your cologne/perfume, and once he finds it, not only is he going to douse the attic in it, he may slip a teensy bit into his drink... yes hes insane, he wants your essence to be inside him

charges at you and clings because hes in a trance of his own mind, your scent making him intoxicated for you now, hes obsessed with you and everything about you

speaking of this, he begins to notice the even littler details about you, like the hair wash you use or the selfcare/nail polish/clothing type you wear, he gets excited from memorizing every little detail about you

will growl if someone is getting too close to you and complimenting you & your cologne/perfume, even if he cant really be seen with you, he wants and needs everyone to know that hes claimed, and has got you

"Billy's piggy is so intricate... so detailed! Billy just wishes he could live in your skin for a day.. to see what you see!" morbid, yes, but he genuinely wants to see what you see, because if your little details are that impressive to him, he believes that what you choose and do in your ever day life is even better

[j0kers-light]

how would j react if reader was in a coma.... i read "just one check" (i think that was the name of the one about the bank robbery and reader getting shot?)

and i kinda want to see him feel sad and guilty. maybe readers in a coma for a week or two. i feel like j would be upset seeing her laying in a hospital bed with tons of iv's coming out of her. or and im not sure how he'd react to her being weak and confused when she wakes up. and you don’t have to write it if it’s too sad/dark 🫶 i just kinda love hospital soap operas so i thought of this 😂

His Lighthouse: Say Something (LedgerJoker x f!reader)

Say Something - Oneshot

Hey hi anon!!! 🖤✨

Phew this was an old request! I'm slowly getting back on schedule! Its never too dark of a request for me to write anon! I looooooooove dark content lol 🤭That being said, let's get into it! You requested sad and guilty Joker visiting bedside, you got it! It’s giving soap ops, like One Life to Live, vibes! I penned this on high off of period hormones and during the Super Bowl so buckle up and grab a tissue box! Joker is gonna be in his feels!! (and so was I)

Love you anon! Also, here’s the song inspo! 🖤✨

taglist:

@blackreaderatrisk @twinkledinkle @clemdango04 @l3ejm @tears-of-amber @what-an-angel @darthjokerisyourfather @thatsnoteii @dollster @cheetahspy @kaidennnnn @urdariingdoll @motivation-idontknowher @ins0mniac-whack @spaghettificationandpretzels @reneisance @alittlesmartcookie @ninacutebee16 @carydorse @jaysmentalspace

Let me know if you wish to be added to the official His Lighthouse taglist! Be alerted with any oneshots and the main story updates! 🖤✨

This was his fault. He deserved to be the one suffering not you.  

You did nothing in this life to warrant such a fate. Joker felt sick to his stomach being in your presence but at the same time, staying by your side was his penance. 

Even in a coma, Joker could argue that your beauty remained. Your colored skin, normally so rich and smooth, now gave off a mythical aura against the white hospital sheets. Your countenance was like an elfin or fae. All in all, you gave sleeping beauty a run for her title.  

Nurses and doctors bustled in one after the other to check your vitals as you slept on. Joker paid no mind. He was far too distracted by the constant beeping in your room. Everything was so loud; it quickly became a sensory overload. He flagged down a terrified nurse and demanded that she turn them off.  

“I... I can’t sir. Y/n needs them to survive.” That’s when Joker realized just how grave your injuries were.  

She took the time to point out each machine you were hooked up to and its function. Joker lost count after ten.  

He felt so small surrounded by all this tech. He knew nothing at all. For once, Joker had to trust someone to help him. He’d do anything to keep you alive and well. He already failed half of that promise, there was no more room for error. 

He wanted to grab ahold of your hand, but it looked so fragile lying on the hospital bed. Your nails were still manicured in your f/c and shape however your skin was pulled taunt so that three different IV lines could puncture your arm. The doctors had turned you into a pin cushion and Joker could only hope that you recovered from this. 

He had nothing but time to guilt trip himself into a downward spiral. He didn’t rescue you fast enough and this was the consequence.  

His enemies knew killing you would destroy the Prince of Crime once and for all and they nearly succeeded. Joker almost didn’t recognize you when he found you.  

Frost and the others assumed the worst, but they miraculously found a pulse and that was their cue to rush you to the nearest hospital. Joker didn’t care about the fallout— he walked straight through the front door with you in his arms, clown makeup and all.  

His sudden appearance caused panic, and no one dared to help until Dr. Sarai and her personal team arrived and wheeled you into an OR. Joker was then ushered into a safe room. He expected the staff to call Batman or the police, but they never did.  

He never understood why.  

Sarai broke it down plainly. “We don’t judge here. You didn’t see the desperation on yo’ face when ya brought Y/n in. How could we rip you away when it's obvious ya need to be ‘ere with her?” 

She guided Joker to a VIP room where he and his goons could visit freely without raising any suspicions. It was then Joker saw you for the first time all patched up. It was a shock to see how badly he failed at keeping you safe. Why did you of all people have to suffer like this?  

If he could transfer your pain to him, he’d do it in a heartbeat to rid you of this misery. For now, all he could do was watch over you helplessly. 

He grew to appreciate the steady beeps and hisses that filled your room. Each sound reported in real time that you were still alive. You were fighting to stay with him and he hoped you were giving it your all.  

Joker was still learning to love. If he lost you then he would never try again, for no one deserved to have his heart after you cherished it so. It belonged to you and you alone. You were the best warden in this prison called love and he never wanted to escape. He was just too addicted. 

An unexpected shrill noise brought him out of his thoughts. A crash team rushed through the sliding doors and carefully pushed him back.  

He didn’t have the time to be offended, “What’s going on?!” What were they doing to you? 

No one answered him as they talked amongst themselves; he didn’t understand a single word of their medical jargon, but he did catch, “Call a code!”  

He had seen enough tv dramas to know what that meant. A doctor voiced the trademark “clear!”, and everyone threw up their hands as he shocked you with paddles. The obnoxious beeping continued and then it hit Joker. 

The most important machine of them all. Your heart monitor. Joker memorized the rhythmic rises and falls as you breathed in your sleep. He could listen to your heart for the rest of his life. You were unable to talk but your heart spoke volumes.  

And now it was screaming out for help.  

“We’re losing her. We gotta get her into an OR.”  

It all happened so fast. One minute you were comatose in your room, the next they were pushing your bed down the hall into surgery. All that was left was the snake-like cords from the many machines you were previously hooked to. Joker was left in your room at a loss. 

It was far too quiet with you and your life’s music gone.  

Sarai found Joker still sitting in the bedside chair hours later. It didn’t appear that he moved an inch. The clown was mute, staring at the mess of cords on the floor. Sarai glanced at them briefly before clearing her throat.  

“Her lung collapsed again. We’ve managed to stabilize her but I gotta stress. It’s lookin’ like a temporary fix.” She flinched at the haunting green eyes staring at her. 

“WhaT. Does. That. Mean?” 

Great, he was already going through the stages of denial. How could she put this mildly? “It means... Y/n might not survive this.”  

He flung a rolling cart that was left behind into the wall. Its loud crash made Sarai jump. Somehow she remained composed. Joker wasn’t mad at her but at the situation. She had to keep that in mind with what would come next.  

He stormed over to her and growled, “Do not ever imply my Light might...” Joker’s throat closed up mid-sentence. He refused to say it aloud. “Y/n will be fine. She’s stronger than you think.” He noted.  

“I get that but let's face the facts. They moved her to the ICU so she could be on a ventilator.” 

“Great another machine.” Joker sighed.  

“That machine is breathing for her, Joker. If she loses any more oxygen to her brain, she’ll be a vegetable. No shocks or surgeries can fix dat.” Sarai waited until Joker locked eyes with her to drop the bomb. “She’ll be brain dead.” 

All was quiet as her words sank in. Joker didn’t expect forever with you, although he originally hoped for a few years at best. Time was never a given when this relationship first began.  

Joker was a wanted criminal and you, a famous citizen. It wasn’t destined to work out but the two of you made time. Living in the moment on borrowed time was enough, you were happy with J but now that happiness was being ripped away. 

He couldn’t think straight. The possibility of you dying hadn’t registered before but it became clear now. If only he been with you—kept you safe, then you would have never been abducted.  

This was all his fault.  

“I wanna see her.” He mumbled. Maybe seeing you again would help him make the right choice. At the most it would curb his sense of helplessness. Sitting around was doing nothing for his nerves.   

Sarai nodded and handed Joker a nurse uniform. “Y/n is on a different floor. Change into this 'n follow me.”  

He worn a similar outfit like this long ago so the disguise wasn’t an issue. It gave Joker access to walk alongside Dr. Sarai onto the ICU floor. There was a completely different atmosphere coming off the elevators. The dread was palpable and clung to his clothes.  

Joker could smell death that lingered in the air. He knew the smell all too well given his profession and it made his heart drop to his stomach, catching a whiff of it when he opened your door.  

You were knocking on death’s door and the cruel man was inviting you in.  

Joker pulled down his hospital mask and slowly crept towards your side. In the few hours he’d seen you last; you took a turn for the worse. 

It was going on two weeks that you been in the hospital, all of which you spent in a coma. There were countless surgeries and consultations and yet your health seemed to decline not improve. Maybe Sarai was right. He should probably entertain reality as painful as it will be.  

Joker came to a stop near your bedside to stare at your frail form. He knew from just one glance that you couldn’t survive for much longer. This wasn’t his Bunny anymore. All the light was sucked out of you and made you so small.  

“I’ll give ya some privacy.” Sarai said as she stepped out. She knew Joker needed to be alone with his grief. 

There couldn’t be any witnesses to what he was about to say.  

Pleading for someone to stay alive was such a foreign concept to him. Usually for him, it was the other way around, however Joker always found himself doing the unthinkable whenever it pertained to you.  

J cleared his throat before he began his dire plea.  

“Hey uh it’s meeee, Y/n. I dunno if you can hear me but I uhh.. Geez, I don’t know what to do without ya here. What I’d kill to have those pretty eyes of yours lookin’ my way. To hear your laugh. T-To feel your warm touch on mine..” Joker exhaled and looked up at the ceiling.  

He refused to cry. He did not cry yet a drop or two fell anyhow. If you were awake. the scene unfolding would be jaw dropping.  

Joker was a ruthless man with a matching reputation. None of that mattered as he spoke from the heart. 

“Uh, if you’re tired, t-that's okay, Y/n. Say the word and... d__n it, I’ll let ya go, okay?! I’ll swallow my pride. I can.. I can say goodbye when its time, but you gotta work with me doll. Give me a sign you’re ready and I’ll listen. But until then please... Fight. Stay alive.. stay w-with me, Y/n.” 

Joker choked up and backed away, suddenly unable to breathe.  

His hands were shaking and there was a ringing in his ears. J thought he was hearing one of your machines going off but your vitals were the same, sluggish but constant.  

It was just a panic attack that had him all discombobulated. You were okay (for now), but he was far from it.  

Why did he think you would hear him at his most vulnerable moment?   

This was nothing like the numerous tv show dramas where a heartfelt speech would instantly make the sick patient wake up. He was stupid for getting his hopes up and beyond weak for shedding tears for this. He got himself back under control and made himself comfortable on the room’s guest bed.  

He had to just hope that you would be okay. That’s all he could do.  

Funny how a week ago he couldn’t stand the noise your monitors made. But now? The slow beeps of your heart were his lullaby. 

The staccato pitfalls of your imminent demise roused him awake. Another team of personnel burst through the door, each one working on autopilot to get you back stable.  

You were crashing again. Another code. A shame that this became your version of normal.  

Could it be your lungs failing again or did Joker’s nightmare finally come true? Was this the sign he asked for last night? Was this your way of saying you were giving up? He honestly didn’t know.  

“No pulse! Charging to one hundred sixty joules!”  

Joker sat in the corner, resigning himself to this fate. That familiar bitter smell cloaked your room. You weren’t coming back after this.  

More beeping, more calls for procedures and useless equipment. There was so much commotion, he was forced to drown it all out in order to think straight.  

By no means was Joker a religious man yet in that moment, he closed his eyes and prayed to any high power who would listen.  

‘Please don’t take her from me. I thought I could let her go. I can’t. I just can’t.’  

Their attempts at keeping you alive went on and on for what seemed like forever until someone brave enough walked over to Joker’s hunched form to deliver the news.  

He appeared to be mumbling to himself, but she couldn’t be for certain. It made for a weird sight.  

“Um sir? We need your permission to..”  

So it was happening whether he was ready or not. So much for prayers. Joker wondered why he even bothered.  

He knew what they were asking for, yet he couldn’t help being bitter in his reply. “To whaT?” He snapped.  

The female nurse jumped at the frosty tone, “T-To pull the... um. We’ll give you some time alone.”  

She nodded at the others and in seconds the room was empty, save for you and Joker.  

Joker went to sleep fearing this moment would come. He thought he would have more time to prepare. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye, yet Fate was oh so cruel.  

The brief time that J spent with you skirted across his memory. He would never forget your eyes the first time he saw you. So bright and expressive. Your bravery and wit blew him away and your deep scars from your past humbled him. Joker had never met someone so resilient. You lived up to your nickname. 

You were his Light; always and forever.  

He would never forget your voice; how it felt in the hushed early mornings and intimate late nights, or your whimsical mind inspiring him to greatness. You changed him for the better in a fraction of a year.  

There were just too many memories to recap as he shuffled over to your body.  

Only a few vital machines were keeping you between life and death and they strained to complete their assigned workload. Even to the end, you were stubbornly fighting but it wasn’t enough to sustain you. 

Joker gently smoothed your hair back from your face. “M’sorry Y/n. I gotta let you go.” He rested his forehead against yours.  

You managed the unthinkable. You made The Joker cry.  

There was no time for theatrics, Joker spoke boldly and true.  

“You’re the only woman I’ll love. I will never choose another, I swear. I am so sorry that I couldn’t get to you. Please, Y/n. I’ll do anything just please.. don’t go.”  

For so many years Joker refused to be weak— he had a reputation to uphold, a symbol to represent; all of that meant nothing if you were gone. He would be nothing but a broken shell of a man.  

Joker cried as if his tears could bring you back.  

At first, he almost missed it. Maybe he was hallucinating in his time of grief— but then it happened again. 

A slight twitch. Coma patients didn’t move unless… 

J was pretty insane (he had papers to prove it) so he questioned if this was all a trick of his mind. Before he got his hopes up, he needed to be sure this was actually happening.  

And so you have him a sign.   

The back of your eyelids moved. The heart monitor picked up a sudden spike in activity.  

He felt your hand jerk. He saw your chest rise and fall. Joker felt as if he could breathe air again. He wasn’t crazy! This was actually happening! His life regained its purpose as more and more signs were recorded on your systems.  

And finally, the cusp of the performance; An explosion of alerts. Your heart was now beating too fast, the ventilator automatically turning off to let your lung take over.  

Joker couldn’t scream loud enough. “NURSE!” He mashed the call button as you struggled to wake fully. “C’mon Bunny, that’s it! Look. At. Me!”  

Two weeks he went without gazing into your gorgeous eyes. He could happily drown in them if only you would grace him with the sight. He didn’t have to wait much longer.  

Your colored eyes immediately met Joker’s expectant gaze. “Welcome back, my Light.” 

[atinyniki]

MY MOOTIES !!

(in no specific order i love all of you i promise)

@sona1800: literally my long lost twin 🥺 you mean everything to me bby 🫶 i love talking to you and spending time with you bc you’ve helped me so much in the past month you have no idea… so grateful for you love 💕

@kai-lee08: MY PRETTY BABY OH MY GOSH 🤭💕 YOU MEAN SO SO SO MUCH TO ME MY LOVE AUGH YOURE SO CUTE I CANT (Æ Æ Æ ‼️)

@skzoologist: you are actually so perfect i will cry bc it’s hard to believe someone as amazing as you actually exists 😭 (your accent actually has me in a chokehold)

@writingforstraykids: i love talking to you so much you actually make me so happy and AUGHHH I LOVE YOU NAT WEUIGFYU 💕💕💕

@yangbbokari: MUMUUUU OH MY GOD I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOURE SO AMAZING AND SO SO TALENTED >.<

@jinnie-ret: you're literally so cute and tiny (even tho youre older than me) and youre so perfect and OMG i love you <3

@cheesemonky: OMG LEISEL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH (even tho youre old) YOURE ACTUALLY SUCH A CUTIE PIE AND UGH YOUR ACCENT IS EVERYTHNNG I LIVE FOR 😍

@cinnamostar: i still remember the first time we interacted and how i literally exploded when i read your league of legends felix fic (still not over that) thank you for showing me how to use discord youre literally an angel 🥰

@hearts4leeknow: RIN RIN RIN YOU CUTIE OH MY GOSH YOU ARE SUCH AN AMAZING AND TALENTED AND PERFECT WRITER YOU HAVE MY HEART AND YOUR ANGST OH MY GOSH 🤭

@miuracha: miu... MIU... WHEN I TELL YOU IVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR AUDIOS AND READING YOUR FICS FOR MONTHS IM NOT EVEN JOKING I THINK I ACTUALLY DIED WHEN YOU FOLLOWED ME BACK (i was so excited you have no idea...) 😱

@arafilez: us becoming moots was actually something i didnt expect at all bc i didnt expect you to notice me BUT YOU DID bc your acc died (still mad abt that btw) AND IM LITERALLY SO HAPPY WE INTERACT NOW 😊

@oddinarylani: we dont interact much on tumblr but you have no idea how many times ive gone back to your page to read your angst... always gives me a good cry omfg. love you bby 🥺

@xpeachesncream: your drunk texting series has me on my KNEEEES lord it was so good ily sm <3 🤭

@mnwrld: i remember seeing you first following me one day and i literally binged every single one of your fics... THEY ARE ACTUALLY SO YUM I CANT (you write single parents so accurately too?!) 🤯

@hanstarrs: ive actually yet to talk with you but you are SUCH a big inspo to me. reading your works always gets me so giggly and AUGH youre amazing 😩

@2miniverses: i... i- YOUR SUB!SEUNGMIN DRABBLE?! OH LORD HAVE MERCY PLEASE I ACTUALLY COULD NOT BREATHE AFTER THAT 🫣

@vixialuvs: OMOGMOGMOOMGOM YOUR SMUT PLEASE YOURE ACTUALLY SO AMAZNIG AT WRITING IT AND YOUR BEOMGYU FIC IS WRITTEN IN SUCH A PERFECT WAY ITS ACTUALLY ADDICTING 🫠

@slvt4felix: i recently read your little hyunjin meet-cute fic and let me tell you... its actually PHENOMENAL like i love it so much you have NO IDEA AUGHHH 🤗

@chqnverse: even tho we dont interact much on tumblr i LOVE your fics especially the angst 🤭

@wegc: DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU??? I THINK ABOUT YOUR POSTS ON THE DAILY. MWWWAH YOURE DOING GODS WORK 🫶💕

@michelle4eve: as im writing this it has literally been a couple of hours since we became moots and i can see you liking all my posts youre such a sweetheart ily 🥺

@gayforfelix: im actually not sure if you write bc ive never seen your fics but ive seen you interact with my blog and you are just soooo cute ily bby <3

@hyewka: i... i- GOD I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA PASS OUT EVERY TIME I TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR BLOG BC I READ THE SUB!HYBRID PUPPY GYU THOUGHT LIKE EVERY WEEK OH LORD 😩

@bangchansgirlsblog: your ANGST i cant BREATHE its actually PERFECT in EVERY WHICH WAY and reading it gets me in such a sad mood and so motivated to write angst again (thats a compliment btw) 😊

@maximumkillshot: you are actually such a cutie pie, and though i only read your kpop fics throughout your blog, they are SO SO SO good and im so glad i stumbled upon your page that one day ilysm <3

@linos-kitten: your smut... your FLUFF... YOUR ANGST?! GOD YOU ARE SUCH A TALENTED WRITER IM ACTUALLY ON MY KNEES JESUS CHRIST 🧎‍♀️

@ivyisnotokay: idk if you write fics bc ive never seen them before (sorry) BUT I LITERALLY SEE YOUR REBLOGS ALL THE TIME AND OH GOD YOU ARE SOOOOOO SWEET ILY DARLING <3

@babybreadddd: ive only ever seen one of your fics (i dont remember seeing any more on your masterlist) and let me tell you... i am already HOOKED !!! ily so much bby keep up the amazing work 🥺

@astraysimp: YOUR FICS ARE SO CUTTTTTTTTE LIKE THEY ACTUALLY MAKE MY HEART FLUTTER I CANT EVEN DEAL WITH THE FLUFF YOU WRITE ITS TOO ADORABLE 🫠

@leaneverleaves2: i think ive only read your ditto fic but oh my god its so cute and comforting :((( youre such a talented writer my love <3

@skzstannie: your angst... YOUR ANGST?! HOLY FUCK NUTS ITS SO AMAZING AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO BAWL MY EYES OUT (thats such a big compliment btw dw) 😭

@noyurcapri: i think youre actually one of my first moots ever and i love you so much bc youre always interacting and supporting me <3 I LOVE YOUUU MWAH >//<

@laylasbunbunny: OH MY GOSHHH I LITERALLY SEE YOU REBLOGGING EVERYTHING AND I REMEMBER OUR FIRST INTERACTION WHEN YOU ASKED FOR A PT 3 OF THE FELIX FIC ILY SO MUCHHHH <3

@youfoundme-not: oh my gosh... i could literally never forget you. i remember when you just sent general feedback in my inbox and i literally started SOBBING bc it was the first thing ive ever gotten there. i love you baby <3 💕

@number1jeonginstan: idk how to explain it but your fluff is SO FLUFFY and its like in the most adorable way its so sweet like candy and OMGGGGG MWAH <3 🥺

@chansdoll: your hard thoughts... ouhhh baby let me tell you... you have SUCH an amazing mind and SUCH an amazing way of writing it out I LOVE YOUR WORKS 🫣

@jazziwritesthings: OMG YOU LITTLE CUTIE I LOVE YOU JAZZI ESPECIALLY YOUR 'missing you' FIC OH LORRDDDD 🫠

@linocvp1d: idk if youre a writer but i literally always see you interacting with peoples posts and it has me so giggly bc youre SO SUPPORTIVE AUGHHH ILY <3

@gyustarzzi: bby i love your little ateez headcannons theyre SOOOOOOO cute and your blog is so aesthetic and adorable too?! i cant w you youre so cutie pie omg... 🫶

@cutieleeknow: OH MY GOD THE ‘how they announce your pregnancy’ SERIES WAS LITERALLY SO CUTE YOURE SO AMAZING AND ILY

@viviworkshere: i know you’re like a new writer and all but i CANNOT get over the seungmin fic you wrote… cried to it this morning and probably will continue to cry over it every time i read it 🥺

@soullostinspaceandtime: don’t know much about you (hopefully we can get to know each other) but all ik is that you ATE w those tags. as you should 😌

@vanillacupcakefrosting: i think we literally only started talking recently but im soooo glad to be moots! i can wait to start talking to you more :))) you seem so sweet and AUGH 🥺💕

lmk if i missed any of you <3 love all of you so so sooooooo much :))

[ejsuperstar]

Something about the way people portray the SDV farmer as some sort of eldritch horror gets me. I fucking love it. I love imagining the townsfolk's reactions. A guy moves into town and you meet him for the first time, he greets you by name and hands you one of your favourite foods. How did he know?? He wont say. He knows your entire schedule somehow even when you yourself don't know where you're going. How does he know? Who knows. Why is he living with a sewer creature? Can't say. When did he become able to commune with forest spirits and have them repair the community centre? No fucking clue. Mans an enigma but he's an absolute boon for the local economy not to mention how he's managed to personally help each and every villager here so no one says anything.

As a Shane enjoyer I keep imagining how Shane must feel about all this. After a long night of drinking what he says to Gus at the bar about the strange man who, upon meeting for the first time, called him by name and handed him his favourite food, the strange man who seemingly is desperate to help him with his issues, the strange man who cares for him unconditionally, despite how much of an asshole he's been. And Gus just nods, because the whole town has been telling stories like that.

Anyway i need to play more sdv cos i lost my save and ive not had motivation to play since lol

[determinate-negation]

I mean no offense dude, but 'why do people convert what are they trying to gain' when you aren't religious is kind of why you are asking and why its hard for you to understand. I'm religious. I could not easily quantify why I converted because it is personal empheral experience that's difficult to explain to someone who doesn't really have that experience. I could tell you a dozen different true answers depending on which thing is most important and none would totally explain it, even all together. I wasn't trying to gain anything but following what spiritually engaged me and nourished me. If anything, it's been incredibly difficult and my life would be easier if I didn't. In some ways I have lost and struggled more than I've gained. I'm constantly contemplating and struggling with Judaism- not because it or G-d brings me pain, but because historically Judaism has had a poor opinion of my cultural background, which is still quite important to me. Apart of me was frankly- not upset, but weary, upon realizing the position I was in, but knowing I would be unable to make a choice to retreat. Not because my conversion was complete, but because I was drawn towards G-d, regardless of mortal obstacles, and that if I turned away, I would not be myself anymore. Which funnily enough, was not too dissimilar to my decision to come out. I could live, and suffer, yes, or I could be a mask moving through society "acceptably" while shriveling underneath it until I was dead walking. What is anything- racism, homophobia, or even Zionism- in the face of the divine suffusing through you? I'd been looking at other faiths for 6 years before that. None spoke to me, none felt like anything real or transcendent or nourishing. It certainly isn't logical, but this path, once I started it, was the only real choice I could make.

i completely respect anyones religious motivations to convert, i just cant relate myself. and personally i feel alienated from much of the jewish community that ive been around for its zionism and unbearable petit bourgeois character among other things. its not people id recommend being around and so i wonder what some people are trying to gain when they often seem to have a very rosy idealized version of a whole ethnic/religious group. you clearly are religious and convicted enough to do this even though it was a struggle to you but i question some peoples motivations

[nyxi-pixie]

me when im supposed to be studying but instead im thinking abt mori and dazai again

let me go absolutely insane for a second (not a second. this is so long. i just checked mfer its over 2000 words. i need to be sedated. imprisoned. restrained. examined. smthn)

'a young man with a death wish once came to me and i wanted to rescue him but i couldnt' and like yeah. beast mori couldnt rescue him. but to a certain extent, canon mori sort of has (touch wood for long term but as it is, dazai is so much less intent on dying than he was in dark era).

and it just. i always wonder about the actual intentions of the mimic situation. because on the surface, it looks like what dazai calls it, then deeper than that, it looks like a very calculated long term strategy, and deeper than that, its just. kinda sad.

i just think its interesting that he plans the mimic thing the way he does knowing dazai will leave despite the fact that he doesnt want him to. and dazai himself reasons this as mori being afraid of him, that mori doesnt want dazai to kill him the way mori killed the old boss. but thats? not true? mori seems unbothered at worst and downright proud at best when he tells oda that dazai will probably kill him one day.

so. Why. did he do it knowing dazai would leave? it wasnt his only option; he could have set skk on mimic. like 5 second future vision isnt gonna do much when the danger is alr there (as oda says). and in the face of a massive black hole coming right at u or a building being dropped on you, five seconds really isnt gonna do much. so mimic cld have been removed without a casualty and the mafia could still have got the permit, and not lost dazai. (who is Objectively an asset to the organisation.) But thats not how it happens. Mori plans it exactly as he does knowing oda will die and dazai will leave. he also then makes it continually obvious that dazai would be welcomed back.

and ive been trying to think of other reasons for it, but across canon and insight from beast mori the only thing i can think of comes back to the fact that mori wants dazai alive. alive and aware that the pm is the best place for him, but alive more than anything else.

i think he wants dazai as his heir bc he knows dazai is enough like him to manage it, but i wonder if it also comes back to the fact that mori is trying to rescue him, and i imagine his own reason to live (and lord knows he suggests he needs a strong one in fifteen) is probably tied down to legacy and responsibility for the city. mori devotes his life to the mafia because he wants peace and appreciates that control (rather than eradication) of the worst of yokohama is the way to keep that peace. and thats enough of a reason to live for him. but it isnt for dazai.

dazai doesnt give a fuck about the mafia as a concept bc his motivations dont rest on ideals the way moris do. dazai only ever does anything because of the people he cares about. everything we see him do, EVEN in pm era where people claim he was some emotionless rockman, come back to his friends.

its why hes never at the centre of the plot. he cant be, because he never does anything for himself. fifteen, in which he is a titular character, is a plot that rests vastly on chuuyas back story. dazais original motivation prior to meeting him is just to khs, and only upon meeting chuuya and them having their whole weird Thing and dazai deciding to be an obsessive freak, does he actually have personal stakes in the job. then in stormbringer, its all abt chuuya again, and dazai is only involved bc he cares about him (whatever he actually says aside). tdipud is driven by odas storyline, and so is dark era. dazai is only active in them bc he cares abt oda.

even when he has more idealistic motivations come canon era, they come back to the fact that hes doing it for oda. anything Above And Beyond that promise is bc hes acting to save the agency, who are his Friends. his motivations are deeply personal in complete contrast to moris, and it is perhaps the only place they really differ.

now ironically, it seems to be that the only decisions mori makes influenced by personal feelings are because of dazai. which takes me to the fact that i think he let dazai leave because he recognises thats whats best for him (at least in the short term - and we'll get to That in a second). and its not really a loss for the organisation because dazais too practical to ever dismiss the mafia, and he still gut responds with their methods. so its an easy sacrifice, a justifiable one.

then theres the contrast with the kouyou&kyouka thing. kouyou doesnt want kyouka to taste the light only to have it sour on her tongue when she realises she cant actually have it because of what she is. because kouyou believes anyone tainted by darkness the way they are can never be free of it. (because she couldnt get out herself).

i wouldnt be surprised if mori thinks the same way, certainly in regards to someone like dazai who Is naturally built for the mafia in a way kyouka really isnt. mori at least believes dazais blood is mafia black and whether or not this is true is irrelevant. he Does have to actively fight his impulses in order to do the Right Thing even now. And even doing that, he still falls into their methods when its practical, or when he's paranoid or unsettled enough to need the comfort of habit, hence the way he treats aku even four years removed from the mafia. hence the way he treats atsushi immediately after Q appears (the way he so instantly latches onto his older self literally slapping the self pity he detests in himself and in his former kouhai out of his current one). hence the way the parallels to mori spring up most when dazai has just been shaken by something.

so i wonder if mori let dazai walk into the light knowing (or believing) he wouldnt fit there, and would come back with a stronger commitment to the mafia as a whole because it may be a concept of sorts, but its one that embraces him in a way the light doesnt, and while dazai does things for the people He cares about, its a mutual thing - he feels responsibility for the people that care about Him too (which probably ties in to the desire for a quiet suicide without bothering anyone, and also to the disgust he has w the sheep - because it Isnt a mutual exchange there).

i think it was always intended as a temporary thing (five years away from the mafia maybe. the 'five years' right before dazai comes to take moris place). give him a taste of the light and let him come to his own conclusion that he doesnt belong there, and eventually turn back to the mafia where he does belong.

(despite suggestions that dazai Doesnt really belong there - smthn smthn cat/dog symbolism - though people suggest this implies he belongs w the ada and i dont think thats true either esp given the way hes omitted from the group so often. i think the cat symbolism w dazai likens him more to natsume than atsushi&fukuzawa esp given the way theyre shown tgthr so often. dazai doesnt belong to any organisation or rigid group, he just fits in line w whoever he cares abt and wherever he decides hes content to stay. v much like a cat actually.).

anyway, moris idea seems to be that dazai wld realise the mafia is somewhere he is cared for, and he cares for the people within it in return. though it doesnt seem to have really turned out that way (maybe mori j underestimated the power of the ada's one specialty: forced integration into its found family. lmao)

so you could see it from a practical perspective: mori sending dazai out to show him he really belongs w the mafia and shld come back to them when the time is right, thus mori secures his legacy by leaving the pm to dazai and the mafia is led forward by someone who could handle it the way mori has.

but. hes never pushy abt dazai coming back. hes downright polite abt it (contrasting to the way he treats yosano), and he puts an awful lot of effort into saving dazais life. (kinda funny that he sends chuuya to pick dazais ass up every five seconds with no reward for either of them - chuuya post dead apple literally asks and moris just like ? uh the safety of the city?? bragging rights😁👍? - but when he sends chuuya to save the agency as a whole the price is Heavy like. exchange of a member is crazyyy.)

dazai is always very much considered One Of Their Own. his seat is still empty waiting for him to come back, he and mori post guild are Always cooperating (despite the kinda petty way dazai talks to him during the reunion - the whole 'i burnt the coat' thing - its almost childish, spiteful in a way that speaks to personal hurt that undermines any control he might have had of their kind of distant passive aggressive exchange. but. im too insane abt that interaction that my interpretation cld be entirely bs.)

they communicate through this ridiculous game of chess, and rely on each other to keep both their organisations afloat. when anyone else from the ada tries to pull the same thing, mori pulls out contracts for their damn souls but when its dazai hes just like ? oh ur bf needs to save you again? of course i can spare him to go pick you up from european prison yeah not a problem! ill even glue his vampire cosplay teeth in!!

in connection with that, even with dazais commitment to Doing The Right Thing, he does not do it in the right way. hes perfectly content to use mori-typical underhanded methods to get the ada to the right place. he sends aku To His Death Knowingly for the sake of saving atsushi and by extension the rest of the agency (and he may have known that the vampirism wld sorta bring him back?? but he still sends him to die), and its sorta similar to mori sending aku out to deal with hawthorne and mitchell while hes in rlly bad shape.

anyway dazais methods always make me think of that cunty exchange sskk have in dead apple 'thats not the way we do things in the detective agency' 'was that a bad joke😘 ur too much weretiger🌈✨💖'. but like. dazai Doesnt work the way the ada does. at least not when things get tense enough to drive him back to habit.

i think people like to interpret dazai as being a better person now, and i think in some ways he is. because hes always influenced by the people hes around most. but also, his motivations havent really changed from pm era. he still does what he does for his friends, they just happen to be on the right side now.

anyway. mori puts more work into keeping dazai alive than any other character (bar perhaps chuuya - but thats because mori saving dazai runs hand in hand with chuuya doing it given hes the one sending him) which is. aurgh.

mori and the wish to save people is just interesting in general. the fact that he became a doctor in the first place is telling on its own plus the unhinged way he deals with yosano - of course someone obsessed with saving people would want a cheat card for sending Death packing - but maybe i could believe it was just a power thing, more to his sense of control. playing with life and death so that he can play god. and i think that probably is just a little bit part of it, esp during the war.

but theres also the way he treats doctors within the pm (sb calls it respect for his former position but it may also be knowledge that the better treated they are the more people they will save). And the only reason he works w the tripartite agreement is bc he loves yokohama, wants its people, including its underground, alive and all that (honestly it probably links back to war stuff - hes really intent on peace).

so hes already someone that is intent on saving people (and beast mori makes this obvious w the way he treats atsushi) but theres a personal edge to it w dazai, possibly bc dazai is so much like him, and asgr is kind of obsessed w the saving your mirrors bc you cldnt save yourself thing (atsushi. lucy. chuuya with his clone. beast akutagawa siblings. beast atsushi&kyouka. i could continue).

im frothing at the mouth but basically, mori does everything for practical reasons in line with his ideals, his grand vision for the PM, but that doesnt mean he isnt making any emotionally charged decisions. its just that theyre always justified by their practical outcomes. (Especially where dazai is concerned). so he can pretend that theyre not driven by personal feelings but IM WATCHING U MORI U CANT HIDE FROM ME.

yk i sometimes wonder if i see him too sympathetically for a guy thats as so sucks as he is but someone has to counterbalance the 75% of the fandom that thinks hes pure evil for no reason and has no thoughts outside of Being Terrible so. here you go have this from the depths of my brain.

[mdhwrites]

King and Eda are Bad Characters

Specifically because of the show they’re in. Conceptually, in isolation, neither is actually that bad or that great. Eda is just a grouchy mentor character and King is... Okay, King is a bad character because he’s comic relief until his character entirely inverts itself but any of the concepts present with him, being a disaffected young adult, being a megalomaniac child or even just being a lost kid trying to find his place without his birth parents are all good concepts that you can get a lot of fun or narrative use out of. The problem comes that they’re in a comedy adventure and both have this very peculiar and unique trait that does make them different from most fictional characters in that NEITHER WANTS TO DO LITERALLY FUCKING ANYTHING. Both are lazy assholes who don’t actually care about anything and don’t want to do anything. They are entirely content with just existing. Which is kind of a problem for your main cast of an isekai. Luz literally doesn’t know enough about the world to self motivate. She literally blindly walks to Hexide and it’s a good thing that happened instead of falling into a pit or monster’s mouth, etc. like that. And Luz does that because Eda isn’t interested in actually teaching, she just wants free labor and King sure as fuck isn’t going to do anything when S1 King wants everyone to just give him things without ever trying. That’s part of his one joke.

It’s why the found family aspect in S1 is actually as bad as it is. Most of the time the two of them are entirely dismissive of Luz so Luz either has to find a way to blackmail/bribe them into doing something with her or fuck off and do her own thing without them. When they are together, they’re making fun of Luz and her beliefs and not in a “We’re good friends who have this back and forth” but instead a “Look! This fucker cares about anything!” This is still true all the way to GROM! Three quarters of the way into S1. And it’s only a third of the way through S2 when Eda calls Luz and King her kids! It’s why S1 is dominated by Hexide and S2 is dominated by other characters than the main trio telling them going “Do this.” I’ve railed against proactive protagonists but this isn’t just not being proactive. This is actively being against being in the VERY STORY YOU’RE IN. Which is part of the point to TOH because I imagine they think they’re clever with this. That they’re being ‘subversive’. After all, fantasy shows have mentors who immediately start teaching their youths, Their mentors truly love their subject and so even while grouchy do relish in being able to pass on those skills. Fantasy characters don’t care about danger because part of the granduer of the world they live in is the possibility mixed with danger that is around every corner. You never know what will happen if you just point in a direction and go. But Eda and King are both characters who would go “You get eaten, the end, I’m gonna go take a nap.” In S2 this evolves a little towards the Hop Pop side of it where “Everything is so dangerous and these are kids,” but one of those people you’re talking about is literally one of the strongest witches in the Isles because glyphs are busted and the other is someone you have code names for crimes with and in this very season have gone out and done highly dangerous crimes with to get Palistrom wood. Remember: Eda ives so few shits about the dangers of her world that when the EC head and a squad of soldiers comes, Eda just keeps knitting Luz’s cloak while Hooty makes a literal joke out of them. That gets into just how incompatible the 2 seasons are though and I have an ask lined up inquiring about how detrimental the shit treatment of the EC is. But yeah, when 2/3s of your main cast are like this... How are you supposed to tell adventure stories? Easy: You don’t. They’re characters that feel directly out of something like Community, Always Sunny or even Family Guy (to the point where the playground B plot for King where he uses Eda’s monster form feels like its directly inspired by the episode Stewie meets Bertrum) so their plots are those. So many of them are in town or cleaning up messes of their past or really just exceptionally mundane because they’re NEVER going to go do something actually adventurous. Luz always has to go off on her own for that.

But that’s the problem isn’t it: In something like Family Guy, they would be entirely forgettable. Very basic and not even that funny or that ripe for jokes so they wouldn’t be great for that show but they would be compatible. For a KID’S SHOW... Why are they here? The only argument for them is the case of “Fantasy versus Reality.” They are the reality that crashes against Luz but they barely do that because they’re not nearly as much of the show as one would expect. Not only that but eventually they change to never question Luz and coddle her like the rest of the cast so now they’re not even working for thematic purposes AND they’re boring. And you can do this better. Karate Kid, Ranger’s Apprentice, a billion other stories have done grouchy mentors who still do things and still work for their stories but they’re usually at least enthusiastic about the thing they teach. The apprentice opens them up to grow and the like because they get a chance to see their lighter side through the joy they find in their passion. Eda fails at even this. Being a wild witch is important to Eda but we’re never given the impression Eda prefers it for a specific reason other than getting to be more free than other witches. Her freedom to do fuck all though because why should she bother? So she isn’t even excited about magic and her freedom barely matters to even her because it’s just so she can go “Yeah, you have to report to your coven head and all the friends you have at your coven while I get to go home whenever I want to a bird tube I actively dislike and a roommate I mock constantly!” Yeah... Keep winning Queen. I just wish you were winning somewhere else.

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I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[leggo-my-aego]

MY HONEST REACTIONS TO THE **HEARTSTEEL BOYS** PLAYLISTS FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BARELY CONSUMED LoL CONTENT (PART 1/2)

note: i am SO sorry if i accidentally mischaracterize but these r my opinions based on VIBES i get from the media ive consumed of these 2D men

note2: will NOT be rating cuz music is SUBJECTIVE and i love ALL OF THEM (k`sante has my fav songs of everyone tho 🫶)

Aphelios 💙

>the description is so cute w him just monologuing ab going on a walk with his sister 😭 like sir, this isnt twt but thnk you bbg

>THIS MAN IS ME WHEN I WAS IN MY INDIE/TECHNO ERA LOWK

>like deadass think hed be the type to listen to vaporwave/those mixes of songs w homer simpson high in the background (plz ppl know what im talking about) or like Slow Dancing in the Dark by Joji, idk

>gives the vibe of being out at night w headphones on; in your own world; surrounded by the city environment (neon lights and multiple cars passing by). getting off of work from a late shift and taking your time getting home cuz you wanna enjoy the commute alone

>definitely had a soundcloud before he had a spotify and still is active on it

>also seems like he'd def vibe to video game music from like persona 5 or smn

>also also everyone stream the fanmade song Lost in Silence by Marcus Skeen, its out on spotify!!!

> Personal Song Reccs based off this playlist💙:

• Breathe - Dahlia Sleeps

• rock + roll - EDEN

• Time to Heal - Slowtide, Idune Nicoline

Ezreal 💚

>this man is GAY, sorry dont make the rules. literally has Conan Gray and Troye Sivan in his playlist (I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE), may aswell add mitski 🙄

>rlly tho, Washing Machine Heart started playing after this and i didnt even question if it was part of the playlist

>anyways, very good vibes!! would def be a playlist id have playing in the bg if i was just hanging out in the living room or in the car with friends

>would give aux for a sing a long kind of ride where we're too engrossed in karaoke to pay attention to the road and accidentally start speeding down the lanes c:

>also someone equated him to baby-justin bieber kind of famous in this world and i can only think of howd he would definitely be unironically listening to that song as a guilty pleasure or Taylor Swift, idk

> Personal Song Reccs based off this playlist💚:

• God of Music - SEVENTEEN

• NO SZNS - Jean Dawson, SZA

• summer - keshi

K'Sante 💛

>UNDERRATED PLAYLIST, WHY DOES HE HAVE THE LEAST LIKES OF EVERYONE ???

>no notes, has my fav kinds of vibes of RnB and hiphop. like yes. ily k'sante 🫶

>this is what i listen to at night to keep me motivated with my work, very good vibes if you listen to ppl like UMI or SZA

>like omg will i get high and just chill in the house listening to this.. currently have it low on speaker with just my lamp illuminating my room with the sounds of the city in the distance and i am living for it

>would trust with my drink at a bar

> Personal Song Reccs based off this playlist💛:

• My Own - H.E.R.

• Everbody Business - Kehlani

• Irresponsible - Kiana Ledé

[turquoisephoenix]

Character Bios for Gallowmere's Merry Band of Doomed-By-The-Narrative Losers

This was going to be under this picture right here, but this got kinda long. Just want to reiterate that these are all just headcanons.

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Sir Daniel Wigginbottom Fortesque IV

Daniel is many things. He's the eldest son but youngest child of Lord Cedric Fortesque. He comes from a long line of knights and noblemen dating back centuries. His lineage can be traced back to 10 different European countries. And he just so happened to lose the genetic lottery in so many different ways with his awkward, gangly proportions, gargantuan height, and various "brain deficiencies" (aka ADHD and autism centuries before their discovery) that led several people in the courts to call him fae-touched or a changeling behind his back. The bad teeth is a Fortesque trait though, so at least Cedric knows that he's his son.

In a time of peace, Daniel didn't really have any pressure to make something of himself by his family and has spent most of his life jumping from job to job - from stablehand to scribe to pigeonry - in a vague attempt to appear useful. Despite having a very high education and being able to read and write, people tend to write him off as a simpleton because he has zero skill in reading social cues, especially in the courts. Many a banquet have been ruined because Daniel panicked.

He means well, but I'd be lying if I said he couldn't be bratty at times. Easy to please, but also easy to irritate. Can easily fall in love and be a loyal partner, can also easily hold a grudge and has several enemies in the court. Has a passion for storytelling and accidentally buys into his own hype because he knows enough about stories to pick up on Themes and CLEARLY he's meant for something...

Canny Tim

Once part of a relatively minor noble house that resided in the castle town of Gallowmere, Tim ran away from home to go live in a relatively non-enchanted part of the forest to work as a King's forester, rejecting both his house and his name. He has a passion for archery, and he will admit that he's partially motivated by spite after his father told him that arrows were not a pastime fitting for a lady.

To most of Gallowmere, Canny Tim seemingly popped into existence during the 49th Gallowmere Games and got top prize in all the archery categories. Sir Daniel has known him for a lot longer since they had some of the same tutors and has said that actually, Canny Tim is just so good at his job as a elite archer that he blended into the crowds and has no public records listed under a different name please don't ask me anymore questions bye.

Once went on a merry quest one summer to hunt down rare mushrooms in the Enchanted Forest for a pumpkin witch's brew to "redistribute fat in the chest area", so don't worry about him going to the Hall of Heroes in a binder, goodness no.

Wartilda, Daughter of Wartilda of the Pumpkin Gorge

As the daughter of the previous Pumpkin Witch of Pumpkin Gorge, Wartilda pretty much knew what she was going to do from the moment she was able to grow a fine gourd in the corner of her room at the tender age of two and she's quite fine with that. Pumpkins are a very agreeable population and most people tend to get on her nerves.

The witches of Pumpkin Gorge tend to marry shepherds or pig farmers, so no one knows how Wartilda managed to lure in the only son of a noble Gallowmere family such as Cedric Fortesque's son, who had to be saved after he and his horse got lost in the woods, nearly got eaten by a giant spider after bullied by a pack of fairies, and had to consume an entire pumpkin pie to calm himself down. A connection was made that day as this gangly idiot realized that he could be Himself around her away from the judging eyes of the courts AND eat steaming pumpkin pie at the same time. She thinks he's cute.

Like Dan, Wartilda has known Canny Tim for longer than the records have shown a Canny Tim living in Gallowmere. She's the one that brews his potions of masculinity, even if it means that she has to put up with Canny Tim's lame gourd-themed dick and balls jokes in the process.

Wartilda has an older sister, who has very low opinions of Dan, didn't like the fact that the two of them were seriously talking about marriage, and often says things like "he's uglier than a horse's butt" and "that loser's gonna die in the Battle of Gallowmere". They were meant in jest but that second one caused Wartilda to have a screaming match with her at Dan's funeral and it's said their relationship never fully recovered...