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shingia · 3 years

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Heya. I know this is very angsty of a request, but I saw the fic of characters reacting to their s/o who [tw] relapsed into self harm and was wondering if you would do some for asahi, ushijima, and oikawa?

[𝐓𝐖] 𝐒/𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅-𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌 𝐩𝐭.𝟐

hi ! ofc you can honey <3 i hope these will bring you as much comfort as you need, and plz don’t hesitate to dm me if you need to talk to someone, or to reach out for help in any way. here’s a hug for you bcs you deserve it, love you 💗

also im sorry but i really couldn’t imagine asahi ever arguing with his s/o so i didn’t include this in his fic (he really is too precious)

warnings : mentions of self harm, one mention of blood, some self-depreciating thoughts. please do not read if any of these might trigger something, stay safe everyone <3

➾ 𝐚𝐬𝐚𝐡𝐢

asahi trusted you blindly. and everyday, he had to make an effort to persuade himself that you trusted him in return. you did of course, how could you not trust the one that had helped you through so much ?

but this wasn’t about trust ; it was about shame. because the last thing you wanted was to find in his eyes the anguish and fear as they were a few months ago. you couldn’t do that to him, yet you kept doing that to yourself.

however, you had the misfortune - which was more of a blessing really - to have a very observant boyfriend who cared about you. and he cared enough to gather the courage to finally ask you about what he had hoped you’d come to him for. sat next to you on the couch, he took the plunge.

« do you… do you remember when you promised to always come to me if you needed help ? ». there, he had said it. and from the way that his arm tightened encouragingly around your waist, you understood what he meant by this innocent question. he kept speaking : « you know i trust you, right ? i really do. but something tells me that maybe you forgot about this promise recently ».

each of his words was carefully chosen, more than usual. because even if he didn’t show you, he was terrified of messing up. the fact that you were reluctant to answer was enough for him to understand that he had guessed right. but what confirmed it was the single tear that slowly streamed down your cheek.

« oh angel, no, come here. come, you’re ok now… » he spoke in a tone that was more comforting that anything you had ever heard. his arms were wide open for you to snuggle in, and when they wrapped around you, his words replayed once again in your head. i’m ok now, i’m ok now… you repeated internally. and you were, asahi was a man of his words after all.

« i’m sorry for being weak » you finally said after a few seconds of silence, voice half-muffled by his embrace. his warm fingers traced the outline of your face, encouraging you to look up to him. not because he needed to see your face, he already knew it by heart, but because you needed to see his. « weak ? y-you’re the furthest thing from weak. how can i even put it..? you are one of the strongest person i know, and i wouldn’t be half the man i am today if it weren’t for you.

you wanted to thank him, but exhaustion took hold of your body before any word could leave your tight throat. and when you woke up - two hours later according to the clock - asahi was still there, holding you tight against his heart like a promise to never let go of you anymore.

➾ 𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐚

ushijima hated to waste time and energy on ‘petty fights’, as he liked to call them. but it was really frustrating to always feel like he avoided confrontation ; arguments were necessary in a relationship, and he didn’t seem to understand that.

whenever you got into fights, you were always the only one to get angry, which never failed to make you feel guilty afterwards. and eventually, this feeling of guilt started to become permanent, taking so much place in your brain that you had to sacrifice a part of the self-confidence you had built up the past months. but you didn’t know how much longer you could conceal it.

tonight was the first time you were sleeping together since your most recent fight, the one that had damaged you so badly. and you couldn’t lie, feeling his warmth next to you after about three days spent ignoring him almost felt like a reward. but a reward for what ? you were certainly not proud of what you had done, and you were terrified at the thought that he’d ever notice it. but unfortunately, your efforts to pretend like everything was ok were put to an end in the middle of the night, at about 3 am. something silly, really : ushijima had just turned around in his sleep, and his shoulder accidentally weighed on your wrist, making you hiss in pain. he immediately opened his eyes at the sound, his hand immediately finding its way to your side - he was always a light sleeper with you.

« are you ok ? » he asked, propping himself on an elbow, barely distinguishing your silhouette in the dark. « yeah, just my wrist. come on, let’s go back to sl- ». oh… that wasn’t supposed to be said out loud. it was hard to gauge his reaction since you could not properly see his face, but since he sat on the bed as soon as you interrupted yourself, you understood that it had not fallen on deaf ears. « are you comfortable with me turning on the lights ? » he asked, obvious concern in his voice. saying yes was tempting, because you knew this was a serious matter, but you couldn’t bring yourself to let him see you like this, vulnerable and ashamed.

ushijima accepted it of course, he knew he was not the best with words, so the least he could do was to make sure you were comfortable with whatever he decided to do. « is it ok if i hold you ? » he asked once again, his tone a bit more hesitant. the muscles in your jaw tensed at his words, it was more than ok, or at least you wanted to give it a try, but the worry you had caused him was bringing you back to the familiar feeling of guilt.

however, when he carefully made you rest on top of him like he had always done, something inside you felt healed to know that whatever you were going through did not impact every aspect of your life. his embrace felt the same, so did his heaving chest that rocked your body to sleep every night. surprisingly enough, you did not shed a tear. because the comfort finally felt stronger than the pain, you refused to let anything trouble this moment.

« are you ready to talk about it ? » he questioned, his voice rumbling like a soothing storm in his chest « or do you prefer to wait until tomorrow ? ».

ushijima might have avoided many discussions with you, but this one ? he simply refused to. and if he was more than ready to help you overcome your pain, he also knew not to pressure you into talking. words would come, eventually. but actions were always first.

➾ 𝐨𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚

despite his usually confident behavior, oikawa knew he had a tendency to second-guess each and every one of his actions, and to beat himself up quite often.

he could not remember the last time he had felt so utterly disgusted by himself, he was usually more careful with his words. but all it took was one angry outburst from him for you to withdraw into yourself - and he had to fix this as soon as possible.

luckily for him, your relationship was strong enough not to be too affected by this argument - which had not been your first, but definitely the biggest one. however, you had been affected. a lot actually. but you knew better than to talk to him about this, knowing that he would obviously take the blame for your relapse.

but oikawa was attentive, and, clever as he was, it did not take long for him to guess what you were going through when he saw the red-stained tissues in the bathroom trash. it had been two weeks since your fight, and just the thought that he had left you alone with your struggles for so long made him want to throw up.

without wasting any more second, he burst out of the bathroom and made his way to the living room where you were absent-mindedly watching a movie. he would have preferred to have a discussion with you with a clear head, but the sight of the tissues kept spiraling in his head and he was incapable of doing anything else but to pull you in for a hug whose suddenness made you gasp.

oikawa’s hugs were usually soft, with little kisses here and there and a few compliments chuckled in your ear. but today had nothing to do with those. his arms were engulfing your figure in a desperate need to feel you against him, like he was trying to make up for all the time he had left you alone. « i’m so sorry, so sorry baby… can you forgive me ? » he breathed out, his voice cracking with emotion. obviously you knew what he was referring to, how could you not know ? and just like him, the thousand words on your mind only transcribed in your arms wrapping around him, closing the last few millimeters that separated you as you frantically nodded your head yes.

you did not think he had anything to be forgiven for, and sadly, you also knew that he would continue to blame himself no matter what your answer had been. that was actually your biggest motivation to begin your recovery journey. oikawa needed to know that, from now on, you’d turn to him instead of your old habits. and you wanted nothing more than to make him happy, so, since his happiness seemed to depend on yours, it could be considered a package deal towards a better future, together.

before you leave, here are links to two mental health support apps that i hope will help you deal what you are going through right now. i know it’s not much but i’ll be the happiest girl if this helped someone in the tiniest way. take care of yourselves ❤️

Calm Harm - Play Store | App Store

Wysa - Play Store | App Store

@toworuu @catwithangerissues

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu comfort #haikyuu angst #asahi azumane #asahi x reader #ushijima wakatoshi #ushijima x reader #oikawa tooru #oikawa x reader

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goldenpixel · 3 years

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can u talk more about the feral boys smoking and examples of why u think they do? i’ve Always thought especially sapnap has, and him and dream probably smoke a lot together irl (also the way dream always clears his throat??) but i haven’t had anything to really back it up to other people other than a Feeling. idk if ur the same but .. yeah

Honestly, for the most part it is just a Feeling, I like to call it my Gaydar for Stoners, but Sapnap especially I’m like 100% sure

Other than the time that Sapnap straight up told Tommy he was high (which a lot of people write off as a joke, but I firmly believe he was just a little too high and forgot Tommy was streaming, which would explain Tommy’s “huh? This is weird and strange and has definitely never happened before” type of response), there’s also the time that Sapnap was on Dream’s stream and he lit a Hot n Spicy McChicken on fire with the blowtorch that was in arms reach of his set up (what other reason can you think of for a 19 year old to have a blowtorch in his bedroom - on his desk that he likely spends most of his time at - if not for dabs?), and then there’s also that one time pretty soon after the blowtorch thing that he could be heard igniting a lighter in the background while Dream was talking. And that’s just the things that I can think of off the top of my head

Dream is much more subtle about it, but if we look at his behavior in other people’s streams, especially Sapnap’s since they moved in together & Train’s latenight streams, you can’t count the amount of things he says/does that could very easily be attributed to him being high/a stoner. The big thing that I can think of right now is whenever he asks Sapnap if he wants food or Sapnap brings up their eating habits. I know that this can be explained away by them being young guys living on their own, but that combined with Sapnap being all but confirmed and Dream being very open about his mental health (weed can help anxiety, depression, and adhd among many others), just makes me think that he and Sapnap get absolutely blazed together. (also how he hesitates and giggles a little bit whenever someone asks him if he drinks or does drugs)

I think George used to smoke a ton, and probably still lights up sometimes, but not to the same degree that he used to. George was a party animal in college and statistically, British youth actually smoke more than Americans do, despite it now being legal in America. This one is not based in any fact at all, solely just an observation combined with the vibes, but every single one of George’s outfits that we’ve seen him wearing outside of his home are stereotypical seshfits (comfy outfits for the purpose of being as comfy as possible while high)

Most of my stuff for Karl, like George, could just be because he’s a busy gamer boy, but I’m gonna list them out anyway. First, every solo-Karl alt stream I’ve ever caught, he’s been absolutely schlumped playing some mindless game like slither.io, and idk about any of my fellow weed partakers, but when you’re alone, being slouched and stoned at 2am-5am playing something like that is one of the greatest things ever, especially when you’re listening to the music that he almost always is playing. Then there’s that photo I posted a while ago with Karl and Mr Beast eating the Dream Burger, where Karl looks absolutely blasted, and I’m sure if we were to go back through old photos, videos, vods, whatever, there would be many many more just like that photo. And remember that old photo of Karl when he met Valkyrae? He looks like the epitome of the nerdy kid in high school who everyone thinks goes straight home, does his homework, and then plays video games until school the next morning, but he actually has a major smoke sesh before the gaming starts, and if you’re the lucky one to figure this out, you’ll suddenly have access to the highest quality weed that that school will ever see

Quackity is the one that I’ve got the least proof for, just because he’s always so Quackity. Like, if that boy is smoking regularly, it’s gotta be pure sativa, or he’s just timing it perfectly that he’s rarely high on stream, and probably never on his own streams. I’ve actually been meaning to go back through his vods and see if I can find any substance to it other than vibes and the fact that I firmly believe the feral boys have had smoke sesh calls more than once

If anyone wants to add or refute anything, feel free!! I love discussing this stuff, cuz it’s almost certain that we’re never going to get clear answers cuz they need to keep up their mostly family friendly images. Swearing and sex jokes are one thing, but if parents were to find out that they openly smoked weed a lot of kids would 100% be banned from watching them

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biaswreckme · 3 years

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turn back time | ot7

Summary: "5-year-old Jungkook or 5 Jungkooks?"

Pairing: none

Members: Jungkook, Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Jimin, Taehyung

Length: 1.7k words

Genre: fluff, fantasy, crack, magic!au maybe?

Rating: PG-13

Project: @btscreatorscorner 's June workshop with the theme BTS

Triggers/Warnings: unexplained magic, age regression/de-aging

You can also read this on: AO3

A/N: A huge thanks to @birbdae for beta-reading it ♥ and to @casuallyimagining for making this lobely banner ♥

“5-year-old Jungkook vs 5 Jungkooks?”

Looking back on it now, it had seemed an innocent enough question. They were starting to get questions like these in their V Live, so it didn’t really come as a surprise when someone asked in their group stream during the promotion of Be Essential. After it ended, they all decided to stay at the dorms and spend some time together, just enjoying some rare free time. They laughed about the questions and talked more about the insane idea of having five of a member or a baby version of them, imagining what it would be like. They could never imagine what was about to come.

Namjoon was a naturally early riser these days, so he was already awake that fatidic morning. The covers were warm and the comfort of the bed kept him from getting up immediately, choosing instead to pick up the book he left on his bedside table. But he had to put it down immediately when he heard some noise coming from the kitchen and guessed Yoongi was already up making some coffee, and he would wait until the smell permeated the place. His idea of staying in bed was cut short, however, by the unfamiliar scream that sounded through the apartment.

He did not hesitate and ran out of the bedroom, finding Yoongi and Seokjin opening the door to Jungkook’s door. And there, in the middle of the bed, sat a tiny person almost drowning in a baggy black t-shirt. A tiny person that looked exactly like a much younger maknae, from what Namjoon had seen in pictures before.

“J… Jungkook?”

The small boy’s lower lip trembled and came into a pout, his doe eyes filling with unshed tears.

“H-hyung?” He said and his arms reached for the leader, his small fingers opening and closing in a grabbing motion.

Namjoon sat on the bed and picked the boy up, the black t-shirt too big on the maknae’s new - old? - mini body.

“What on…” Jin started, shocked, but Jungkook interrupted.

“I had a dream… there was a voice and a strange laugh, Jin-hyung.” He paused to sniffle, his pouting lips trembling again as he tried not to cry.

“What did the voice say? Kook? Do you remember? I know it’s scary, but we’re here.” Yoongi sat on the other side of the bed, making some space as the other members who were awakened by the scream gathered on the threshold, worry painted across their faces.

“The… the voice said you chose 5-year-old so that’s what you would get? And something about a d-day I th-think? But what if… if it lied?”

And Namjoon remembered the Vlive, that question that had been going around for them to choose 5 of a member of the 5-year-old version, but they had been asked that question before and nothing had happened. This had to be a dream right, he was still fast asleep in his bed? And so Namjoon sat up, letting Jungkook snuggle into Yoongi’s arms and tried pinching himself hard on the arm, exclaiming in pain.

“Namjoon?”

“I thought I might still be asleep. How does this just happen? That’s not real life.” He said exasperated while moving his arms, trying to get a grasp of the situation.

The door opened again, this time Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok entering the room, Jimin still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“What is… What happened? Who is that?” Hoseok asked, with shock on his face.

“Ok, but let’s not scare Jungkook even more, please,” Jin pleaded, tilting his head in the direction of the maknae who looked even more about to cry.

“I’m sorry, Jungkookie,” Namjoon said, sitting down again. “I’m just trying to understand what is happening. So apparently you remember everything, right? You’re not a child child on the inside?”

“I’m still me, just… Jiminie sized.”

They all laughed, except for Jimin, whose natural reaction was to slap Jungkook’s arm, but he held himself back; Junkook was too small for that kind of playing at the moment.

Taehyung still could barely believe the situation, his eyes wide in shock as he spoke. “We should have some breakfast and discuss what to do. We had some choreo practice today but that was it… and Jungkook needs clothes, right?”

It was decided that after cooking breakfast, Seokjin and Hoseok would go shopping for clothes for the tiny member, heavily disguised with the help of one of the managers; they decided to tell the least number of people possible so as not to spread out what had happened while they hoped it would not last long.

And so while the two members went out, Namjoon was planning the rest of the day, considering the best and most logical options. “It’s too risky to go to the studio to practice. We know the routine well at this point… maybe we can do it in the living room? Push back the sofas and open up the space. I don’t want to risk going out and Dispatch creating a scandal about one of us having fathered a secret child or something.”

Namjoon was serious, already going to one of the sofas to move it. With some help they managed to clear out what was needed and create a decent space in their dorm living room so they could practice. Mostly, they not-so-secretly wanted to see mini Jungkook doing their routines, and he wouldn’t need much space for that.

As soon as Seokjin and Hoseok got back with some clothes - maybe they went a little overboard, but everything was so cute and seeing grown Jungkook’s style in mini Jungkook was exciting. The child looked stylish with an all-black ensemble very similar to what he wore on a day to day basis. And so they decided to start with Dynamite, their latest single out and the one they needed to perform the most.

They all watched as the small boy’s face was furrowed in concentration, a clear imitation of the expression the 23-year-old man sported when focusing solely on the practice. The members all watched as the tiny maknae started the song, his small limbs moving to the rhythm and choreography perfectly, proving he was still the adult Jungkook on the inside. It was, however, a much more adorable sight. They were supposed to be rehearsing together, however, it was much more fun watching Jungkook doing it; they attempted once and the tiny member’s legs were not big nor fast enough to get him to the positions in the formations, so they opted for just watching.

Hoseok played Mic Drop next and demanded Jungkook do the version with the full dance break, and he couldn’t stop himself from clapping and giggling loudly watching Jungkook do everything. At one point after a couple of songs the young boy complained and they gave him a break, giving him some tiny sized snacks. While they were out, Seokjin also got the maknae some coloring books, and while at first the youngest member pouted and said he was not really a child, as he started drinking some juice, his small fingers went for the coloring pencils and one of the books, mindlessly starting to color. No one said anything so as not to disturb the peaceful image, letting the boy just be for a while, resting, no adult or idol pressures on his shoulders.

The rest of the day went by smoothly, with one of the members every once in a while trying to get Jungkook to do just one more dance routine for them - and he indulged his hyungs. They could feel the tension starting to spike up again around dinner time, when they were all eating together and in silence, which was not usual, all thinking about the same thing.

It was Jimin who broke the silence first, worried about Jungkook. “So, what is going to happen tonight? Will he go back to being himself?”

“And what if he doesn’t?” Taehyung complemented, looking fondly at the youngest, missing his friend.

“The voice…” Jungkook started, pausing to have a sip of water, taking down big gulps. “The voice said one day… I should be back, right?”

Namjoon was quick to answer, “We’ll worry about it if it doesn’t happen.” But they all knew their leader well enough to know he was already thinking of a fall-back plan in case it did not. Yoongi could see the lines of stress almost permanently marked on Namjoon’s forehead at the end of the day, worrying for the mental health of his oldest friend. “We’ll get through it together, like we always do.”

All members nodded, and Yoongi patted his friend on the back reassuringly. And for as much as Jungkook claimed that on the inside he was the 23-year-old man, as the day progressed, he started acting more and more like a 5-year-old, which did not go unnoticed by Namjoon and Seokjin, their eyes meeting whenever Jungkook said or did something, not really wanting to imagine what would happen if this not end tonight.

But apparently whatever - or whomever - had put this sort of spell on the maknae told the truth. They put Jungkook to sleep on his bed surrounded by pillows to make him more comfortable with the big space. They talked and decided the best course of action would be for Jungkook to sleep without clothes, because if he woke up swimming in his own clothes before, what would happen if his body got bigger in such tiny clothes? They decided not to risk it and warmed him up enough with the covers. And when he woke up, the world did not seem as small as the day before; his limbs and torso were the right size, fitting into his own clothes and definitely taller than Jimin again - what a relief.

The event had been mentioned again in private jokes and shared looks, but they never found out the reason as to why it had happened. Until, that is, Jungkook was on V Live again, eating his salad and chatting with ARMY, going through the comments on the chat when the seemingly innocent question slipped from his lips before he could stop himself from reading it.

“5-year-old Tae or 5 Taes?”

Oh no.

Fin

#bts #bts fluff #bts crack #bts fantasy #bts fanfic #btscreatorscorner #thebtswritersclub #bangtaninn #blackswannet #52hertz #bangtan ot7 #ot7 #ot7 fic #bts fic #bts fanfiction #bts imagine #my work

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genaleah · 3 years

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ANSWERING WILDCARD QUESTIONS

For the first time in about a year maybe??? Some of these might be even older than that.

Yes, it is Korka! I definitely want her involved, she’s a wonderful character and there is a *lot* of fun paranormal stuff going on in this setting that she can help them research. Also, I’d just love for her and Nelson to become friends!

Thank you! I love him a lot, and it’s fun to picture him interacting with the other guys. They’d all make for some interesting uncle figures, but they might not be that great in terms of role models.

OHOHO. Devilish laugh. That’s a wonderful idea, and a good way to keep him occupied at some point. He’s a great character, but he’s incredibly powerful, and I want these dudes to solve their own problems whenever possible.

A good question! I don’t remember most of my dreams, but there’s usually a consistent look to the vivid ones. Lots of water, mountains, creeks, and high, winding roads. There are also a lot of buildings that are closely integrated with nature, even though I have almost never seen construction like that.

I had not, but now I have! Here’s a trailer, for anyone else that missed it:

https://youtu.be/33HXHaaagsw

I really like these new models! I’m looking forward to watching a playthrough when that’s available. Just like with Rhombus of Ruin, I don’t think I’ll be able to play this one myself.

DOUBLE FINE, I WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOU- no, I’m kidding! I think great minds think alike. But I’m really excited to learn more about that character and possibly involve them in this whole au eventually.

I’ve actually tried to avoid almost any info about Psychonauts 2 so I can go in mostly-blind, and a lot of the characters are vague to me. It’s fun to look forward to, but it’s also a little harrowing because I don’t know how to anticipate for it!

N...NO..... I NEED TO... Honestly those are old enough that it might be a good idea for me to re-make them, as well as the playing cards I made for the mega playlist cover. I think it’d be nice to remake them as vectors... that might make for a nice art stream sometime. I’ll mention publicly if I start doing that, and sharing any of these conceptual Wildcards arts when they’re done.

And if you’re just curious about what the tarot cards for the other characters are going to be, it’s this:

Eddie: Judgement, The Magician, The Emperor

Manny: Death, Justice, The World

Sam: The Chariot, The Tower, Strength

Max: The Devil, Wheel of Fortune, Joker

Although! I may actually give the Moon card to Max instead of the Devil, and replace the missing card from Nelson’s selection with the High Priestess? 🤔 I’ll decide when I get to it.

Could be! I’ve flip-flopped occasionally on if I want the split-a-cab gang to participate much in the story. I think they deserve a break, and splitting an apartment in New York seems like a good situation for the four of them.

Oh boy, that must be so disorienting for him. The Psychonauts deal with a lot of hippy-dippy weirdness in a seemingly organized way, but it seems like they’re not as paranoid about safety as a real federal organization would be. Not necessarily a good thing, considering one of their camp counselors went AWOL one day, and the head of the Psychonauts got kidnapped the next. They kinda need to get their act together.

Fun fact, in one of the earlier drafts of Chapter 3 I was actually going to make Nelson get scanned by the equivalent of a metal-detector for malevolent thoughts at the door and get really spooked by it, but I decided against it.

YEAH IT’S ON THE LIST

Honestly, a big bulk of the plot in this just regards characters having to face their mental health struggles... via facing it as literal internal demons, unstable powers, etc. It’s going to take a little while for any of Eddie’s teammates to realize how MUCH he has going on under the surface because he does a pretty good job of hiding it. “Needing to help others above ever helping themselves” is a hard issue to notice if you’re not looking for it. But it’s a guarantee that once they find out he needs help, they’ll give it; whether that’s making sure he’s not working himself too hard, or fighting off demonic cultists. Care comes in many forms.

SHE NEEDS TO REST.... POOR SYBIL (on the upside, they don’t TECHNICALLY work there, so she might be fine most of the time.)

Strong Bad isn’t a Psychonaut! He’s just a vlogger and a petty (psychic) criminal. It’s honestly not very different from canon.

Free Country, USA is a smalltown hotbed of psychic activity. Nearly everyone there has some mild capacity for supernatural powers, but nobody really notices or cares. Strong Bad just pops the tops off of cold ones and.... sometimes alters reality, a tiny bit. But mostly just in regards to media. The cartoons, comics, etc, that he invents and talks about have a tendency to suddenly voip into existence and nobody knows how. I swear, there’s actually a line of him saying something to this effect, but I can’t find it anywhere. Don’t worry about it! Nobody in town is ever going to do anything truly nefarious with their powers, so it’s not a high priority on the Psychonauts’ radar, just a weird footnote.

The only reason Homestar is an actual agent is because he seems like exactly the kind of guy to sign up for a job like that on accident and then stick with it. And he’s a talented telekinetic! None of his other friends know about his job or notice his absences.

And just for fun, here’s some weird instances of psychic overpowering that happened in the cartoon:

---

(Poor Strong Sad)

I’ve actually answered this one before! BAM Pretty sure all of it is still accurate.

Nelson: He sees floating sheets of paper containing notes, questions, etc. Anything that he wants to know more about regarding that person. The notes are subject to edits, cross-outs, ripped pages, etc.

Guybrush: He sees the item that the person is carrying that he wants most. As he gets to know people better, he sees them for their useful skills first.

Manny: His view of most living people is not very kind...

The people he’s closest to will eventually look a lot less garish. More like a flattering, camera-ready versions of themselves.

Eddie: Sickass sketch drawings that look like they belong in the margins of a composition book. The illustrations improve as he gets a better picture of where they’d fit in the internal lore of his mental world.

Sam: A lot like Nelson; Sam pictures case files, though his are a bit more in-depth.

Max: Max’s visions of people are highly personal and uncomfortable for those who witness them. He sees Nelson as a puzzle with a piece missing. Guybrush is a ripped up voodoo doll. Manny is a forgotten ofrenda. Eddie is a powder keg with a long, lit fuse. Sam is Sam, but he’s the wrong one.

I also got two questions that were pretty big subjects, or that I didn’t want to repeat, so I’m gonna cover them pretty broadly:

REGARDING [X] CHARACTER OR SERIES INCLUDED IN THE AU

Sure, I support it! I’ve gotten this question a few times in regards to things that I haven’t had time to delve into yet, or I’m not interested in, so I’m not going to include it into the AU myself. But if you want to explore an idea like that, feel free! This AU is pretty dang collaborative.

My main focus is just on the main 6 properties: Psychonauts, Puzzle Agent, Monkey Island, Grim Fandango, Brutal Legend, and Sam & Max.

But my general rule of thumb for “characters that exist somewhere within the background of this story” are any other properties owned by Telltale, Lucasarts, or Double Fine. And considering all of the licensed games that Telltale was getting into before it kicked the bucket, that includes some really weird characters, even up to the Venture Bros. I loved that series, but I’m not really interested in doing anything with them for this story! Partly for my sanity, the canon I’ve picked are already a lot of content to play with.

ASSORTED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WILDCARD AU DISCORD

There’s no particular criteria needed to join the discord, and it’s not strictly on a need-to-know basis! Because it’s been a long while since anyone has joined, I've been hesitant about adding new people in... But I‘ve decided to try sending invitations again! Everyone who had asked about it in the past will be getting a ping by me in about a day or so, since I want to double-check if you’re still interested. If you’ve been nervous to ask you can reply to this post or message me privately.

Some things to keep in mind before asking or accepting the invite:

If you’re not a friend or a follower I recognize, I will likely double-check your tumblr along with some other current members before sending the invite.

Here’s the Rules page, so you know what to expect before you join:

Be Mindful - Respect other people's boundaries, don't do or say things that would cross the line. If your behavior makes other people feel uncomfortable or unsafe, I will remove you from the chat. In most cases I will try to resolve things with you and offer a chance to do better, but that will depend on the severity of the situation. And if you have any concerns regarding another member of the chat, you can contact me privately.

Health Boundaries - While discussions of mental health do occasionally pop up, do not rely on the chat for help. None of us are equipped to handle serious mental health concerns, and it will only cause distress for everyone. Please seek real help if it is needed! If you rely on people beyond the point that they have asked you to stop, I will remove you from the chat.

NSFW - Generally speaking, try to keep NSFW talk to a minimum. Swearing and humor is fine, but don't get too explicit please! Discussions should usually keep to a PG-13 / occasional R, but no NC-17.

Spoilers & Censorship - Please use the spoiler function to hide story spoilers, as well as discussions and graphic depictions of gore/excessive blood/body horror/severe psychological horror. Include a content warning so that people know what they could potentially be seeing when they click on the censored content. If the spoilered content is the subject of a back-and-forth discussion, please use another warning when you are switching to a different spoilered topic. (Note that these rules were added to the chat later, so be careful when using the search function or back reading.)

The canon series involved with the Wildcard AU are Psychonauts, Puzzle Agent, Monkey Island, Grim Fandango, Brutal Legend, and Sam & Max. Please be mindful of story spoilers!

Channel Organization - Also be mindful of which channel you're in and move a discussion over if need be! That way they don't get too clogged with unrelated info.

Creative Criticism - When it comes to writing, art, or character creation; try to be open to suggestions from others! Nearly all of the creative work in the chat is collaborative, so input from others is important! Creative criticism is not the same as judgement, and is not a personal attack.

Have fun! - Discussions move quickly in this chat! Don't feel bad if you ever need to step back, whether it's because of the speed or a disinterest in whatever current topic we're focusing on. If you ever want to come back, we're happy to have you and can give quick explanations if you feel out of the loop! :thumbsup:

We’re a group of approx. a half dozen to a dozen people, either posting very very quickly in a span of a few hours or barely anything for a few days. We’ve been in an activity uptick lately and there’s about a year and half of back content, too. If it’s hard to keep up on, not that interesting to read through, or you just have a hard time gelling with the group that's already there, there’s no shame in just lurking or dipping out if you need to.

We also talk a lot about Psychonauts OCs, so anticipate that.

#wildcard au #wildcard hcs

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meetmeatthecoda · 3 years

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Okay so, I wanted to offer my two cents on that ask about Liz’s reaction in Luther Braxton: Conclusion. This is NOT meant as an attack on anyone—I find it 100% valid that the OG nonny (and anyone who related to them, including you dear Coda 💖💖💖) feels the way they do; they can’t control how they reacted to Liz any more than I can control how I reacted to that ask. Plus like, this is all fiction so no harm done? I purely wish to share my perspective, not ~present a counterargument~ or anything like that. :) Apologies in advance for how long this got. 😅😅😅

I get why you would react negatively to Liz’s screaming at Red, but I feel like?? That incident of all the times she’s treated him unjustly was (one of?) the most reasonable. Now, how she continues to act afterwards (regarding the Fulcrum but also, like, for the rest of the show welp) is 100% a continued bad decision in so many ways on her part and reflects terribly on her character, but her reaction in the immediate aftermath?? IDK, I feel the need to kind of defend her, probably because I absoluuuutely saw myself in her when she did that. I’ve (I shamefully admit) yelled, shoved, and even kicked at loved ones when they just wanted to comfort me but their attempts made me feel cornered and small. I’ve made logically unbased and ethically/emotionally unfair accusations against people who’ve done nothing but try to help me when I just needed something to get them away (literally or otherwise). When I just needed to attack something—take out my frustrations and confusion and fear and anger on someone. (And if Liz was like that, she might have latched onto Red as her target because he was the closest thing—physically, emotionally, and even in relation to the cause of that confusion and anger itself.) I have inflicted real harm on people while in an unsettling or unfamiliar mental state—harm that I couldn’t take back even when I could look back with a clear(er) mind and realize I never should have said/done any of that.

(Also, side note: when I first watched that ep and I saw Liz screaming at Red not to touch her?? I’d actually thought they were depicting her as being touch-averse due to the trauma and/or overstimulation, and I was?!! Like, call me badly coping but I appreciate seeing characters not being comfortable or straight-up being aggressive about being touched, even for just a moment, because that is me 24/7. Then of course a few more seconds and it turns out it’s not actually that?? Liz is just repulsed by Red’s Bad Guyness again apparently?? Whenever I rewatch the ep I still choose to see it as overstimulation though because, well… my heart is clearly very talented at choosing comfort characters for me. 🥲🥲🥲)

So speaking from personal experience, coming out of a trauma (or revisiting an unresolved one) is so stressful that it’s only natural to react explosively—even to the extent of unfairness and unreasonableness—in an attempt to protect or heal yourself, whether that attempt be justified or not. And honestly, I could even make the argument that for Liz, her attempt was to some extent justified. Of course Red would never hurt her, but sometimes a person needs breathing space. Like, literally needs. Maybe for the sake of her mental stability/health, Liz should have had her first moments coming up from her trance to herself. Does that make sense?? IDK if I made any sense there; I just know that while I never could have gotten to the place I’m at now without the EVENTUAL professional and personal support I’ve been blessed with, I also can’t fathom how much more mental anguish I would have experienced if I’d had people who knew me (or like, the “closest person” in Liz’s case) see me in the immediate aftermath of my trauma. Just… The state I was in? Yikes, am I glad only I saw myself pull myself together; I’d have had so much more to worry about with others seeing me like that. That might just be me and totally inapplicable to Liz of course, so I digress!

I’m not saying Liz isn’t responsible for her words/actions simply because they happened while she was in utter emotional upheaval and under mental and physical duress—Red definitely did NOT deserve that treatment from her. He did NOTHING WRONG. But with that kind of complex angst comes the inevitably mixed but nonetheless potent reactions of fans, I completely understand that. Everyone has different experiences and thus different viewpoints, and that’s fine and totally healthy in my book. Still, something about that discussion struck a chord with me—you can (and should) hold someone accountable for the harm they do while mentally unstable, but it’s possible and also healthy to do that without, yourself, harboring anger or resentment against them, you know? I had to teach myself (and those around me) that, so I guess I just wanted to put it out there. Again, I don’t mean to start anything and I’m so, so sorry if I inadvertently have. I hope it’s okay that I came here to explain my thoughts (and so wordily too, ack I’m sorry), and if not, I won’t anymore. Thank you for hearing me out this time though, I really appreciate it. :)

Dear anon!! 🤗🥰❤️ Firstly, I want to thank you for your kindness & respect for other's opinions!! This ask was worded in the sweetest, most considerate way & I appreciate it very much!! There's absolutely no need to apologize for having your own opinion & perspective, especially when you share & explain it so nicely, so never fear!! 😊❤️ Moving on to the meat of your ask - which is in regards to this previous one - you make such a good point!! When you look at it that way, the Luther Braxton Post-Memory-Unearthing Screaming Explosion is perhaps Liz's most justifiable negative reaction in the series LOL I guess looking back from where we are now - knowing all about & being completely fed up with all of Liz's awful writing & characterization in the subsequent seasons - it's easy to dismiss her reaction in Luther Braxton as something unreasonable & irritating & unfair to Red (which, to some extent - as you graciously allow - it is). But - as you generously point out - while that's a valid way of looking at it, it's also definitely worth examining from another point of view!! And I think your point of view (in everything ofc, but particularly in this) is so valuable!! I can relate at least on some level... I have definitely snapped at people, even those trying to help me, verbally & otherwise, when I lost my temper & just needed some space!! In fact, I think that's a pretty universal stress reaction & it's not necessarily something to be super ashamed of (but definitely something to be aware of & work on - a good reminder for us all!!) & it's definitely not a stretch to imagine Liz was going through something similar after being effectively water-boarded & having her memories so unceremoniously rifled through!! And, after all, Liz has one thing we generally don't... a perfect, convenient, willing catalyst for all the negative things in her life: Red (however undeserving of that title he may be.)

(And re: sidenote of touch-averse!Liz - Omg, I definitely thought about that being their angle at first too!! While I don't usually default to reacting that way myself [kind of the opposite for me usually LOL] I know that plenty of people do & it's 1000% valid as a coping mechanism & honestly??? A touch-averse Liz would be one of the more realistic reactions she's ever had 😂😭 especially considering the circumstances!! And hey, no shame about gravitating towards that interpretation bc it's 1) less painful for you & 2) you like comfort characters bc you 👏 do 👏 you 👏 but also?? I can't say anything bc the reason that I like that interpretation??? I love the angst of an overwhelmed & touch-averse!Liz unintentionally shattering Red's heart by completely rejecting his well-meaning physical comfort anddddd I'm not sure what that says about me tbh 😂😂😂)

Long story short, anon, you made perfect sense here, not to worry!! You were so respectful & cognizant of others' feelings, thank you so much for that, it doesn't go unnoticed!! You bring such a good point to the discussion with your perspective & outlook & I'm so thankful you chose to contribute!! I loved reading your thoughts & don't worry at all about the length, I appreciate your thoroughness!! (Plus, we all know I'm hardly one to talk, I never use one word when twenty will do 😂) Please don't hesitate to come back to my inbox any time to discuss whatever you like, I always love a little bit of friendly TBL conversation, especially since the show as we know it is so abruptly & unexpectedly over 😭 Yes, still grappling with that, in case you were wondering 🥲 Anyway, thank you again for your lovely ask, anon, I appreciate you greatly, & much, much love to you, of course, my friend!! ❤️

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suf-lives-rent-free · 3 years

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Fragments

Everything below is just my opinion; I am in no way trying to say that how I feel about this is the one correct take or whatever.

I know a lot of people like this episode and what happens in it, but I don’t. I totally understand that some people just don’t want to see any negativity, period, but negativity is not inherently bad or wrong.

Negative opinions, even about something you enjoy, can be valid too - regardless of whether you happen to agree with them or not.

Also I get very salty near the end of this, and that might be entertaining to people who stan this episode?

I am aware that a lot of people – the majority, I’m pretty sure – think that the episode is a masterpiece. And on some level, I see where they’re coming from with that assessment.

The episode is boarded beautifully, the backgrounds – especially during the training montage – are stunning as always. The music is fantastic, and the performances are great too. In these respects, Fragments is a stand-out episode; I agree.

(Like look at this. Gorgeous.)

However, something that’s bothered me since I saw the episode is the writers’ decision to write it into the story that Steven shatters Jasper.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: I just don’t get it. I’m purposefully misinterpreting the story to say it’s bad. Steven brings her back to life; and it’s not like he meant to do it in the first place. I just don’t have the capacity to understand the sublime nature of the show’s storytelling. I’m an SU crit and all I want to do is make the real fans feel about themselves for liking it.

Uhhhh... no. Nah. That ain’t it chief.

It’s true; I am not a writer. I’m just a passive consumer of media. However, I do not agree with the viewpoint that in order to properly understand or critique a thing you need to have the expertise and/or experience in order to make something similar.

For example, if I were to put something I drew when I was 10 years old next to something I drew yesterday, it shouldn’t take a person who has had an education in fine art to tell you that the latter drawing is better-looking than the former.

That’s how I approach media consumption and criticism; when I criticise a writing decision, I am doing so as a consumer. I’m not saying I could write it better, or even that my opinion is objectively correct and the writer is wrong or bad. I’m just saying that I didn’t like a thing. Which, I would hope, is allowed?

Okay, defensive hedging over, back to the point; I don’t like that they had Steven shatter Jasper.

[I get markedly saltier from this point on, fyi]

Full admission of bias here: one of the things I really cherish about the original show is how they wrote Steven’s character; he’s a boy with interests that don’t rigidly conform to gender stereotypes. He likes ‘boyish’ things and ‘girly’ things, and that’s okay; thats just him. In cartoons when I was growing up, characters like Steven would be the butt of jokes about being ‘girly’ or thinly-veiled homophobia. I find him very relatable, and I want to acknowledge that yes, that is probably a significant part of why I have such an issue with this episode’s twist.

I am not trying to say that he’s a perfect baby angel or whatever; Steven regularly gets frustrated and angry. He does some pretty manipulative and dickish things to people around him (stop trying to make Larsadie happen, Steven. It’s not going to happen). He is a flawed character who fucks up sometimes. And he’s not 100% peaceful either; he acts violently when he defends himself against corrupted Gems and Homeworld Gems (and Crystal Gems on occasion *cough*Bismuth*cough*).

However, he has a pacifistic temperament; whenever it’s possible, he prefers that problems be solved without needless violence or hurt. And I like that; in most media, it’s rare to have a male protagonist who wants to solve their problems without jumping straight to punching things.

When he accidentally frees Centipeedle, he convinces the Gems to step off and allow him to try and rehabilitate her peacefully; he even notices that the Gems’ weapons are a trigger for her, and make them put them away. He frees Lapis against the Gems’ wishes because he recognizes that keeping her prisoner is wrong, and when she steals the ocean, he talks it out and heals her so she can leave Earth peacefully.

He tries to aid Jasper when she starts corrupting, fixes Eyeball’s gemstone when she’s cracked and tries talking Bismuth down when she attacks him with the breaking point. In all of these situations, his words and help are ignored or rejected; he’s forced to resort to violence. And it traumatises him.

We get an entire episode dedicated to the fact that he’s been struggling with processing these awful things that happened.

Even in Future, Steven shows hesitation about engaging in unncecessary violence; he gives into Jasper’s goading for a fight after what’s implied to be dozens of failed tries at making her come to Little Homeschool, and he spends an entire episode trying to keep Lapis from squashing the two rogue Lapis Lazulis.

The only time he hops into a fight willingly is after Eyeball and Aquamarine hold Greg hostage, and even then they pose a clear threat to his and Greg’s safety and have made it clear that they want to hurt him emotionally and physically. Even at that, he stops and switches tactics to talking them down as soon as they lose their focus and start bickering with each other.

(I mean, he fails. But it’s the thought that counts.)

I personally find it really jarring that the writers found it appropriate to write it into the series that this same character – over the course of three (3) days – goes from disliking mindless violence for mindless violence’s sake to happily engaging in the destruction of plants and animals* and has done a total 180 on his willingness to spar with Jasper, to the point that he instigates their rematch.

*(You best believe plenty of small mammals and birds – y’know, like the nest Steven saved in the first episode – died as he and Jasper felled tree after tree, not to mention all of those displaced by the destruction of their habitats, and the potential loss of food sources from some of those trees.)

You’re telling me that it’s a reasonable character beat for this boy to gleefully laugh like an anime supervillain at his sudden new-found joy in fighting, then pin Jasper in place, taunt her for helping him get so strong, and hit her so hard that she breaks into pieces and dies?

You’re telling me that that’s an in-character thing for Steven Quartz Diamond Cutie-Pie DeMayo Universe do to another character?

(And yes I am purposefully dancing around talking about the mental health stuff because if I did that I’d have to go on a whole other tangent about Growing Pains and fuck I just don’t feel like it right now lmao)

Going back to Mindful Education, another big thing we see Steven struggle with is the idea that his mother shattered Pink Diamond. This knowledge sits heavily with him; it makes him sympathetic to the Diamonds, even under the circumstances in which he sees them (escaping from the Human Zoo, and being on trial for said murder).

He sees their grief, and he feels awful. He questions who Rose Quartz even was. He knows, based on what Garnet said, that Rose had to do it; there was no other way to free Earth. But he still feels awful seeing the pain that Pink’s loss has caused Blue and Yellow Diamond.

In Steven Universe, shattering is clearly equated with execution/death multiple times. When Pearl and Garnet fret over the crack in Amethyst’s gemstone worsening. When Blue Diamond threatens to break Ruby. When Bismuth introduces the breaking point, and Steven recoils at the sight of what it does. If you want to take the fact that Gem shards are sentient and desperate to become whole again into account, you could even argue that it’s a fate worse than death. This particular act of violence is treated very, very seriously.

When we find out that Rose shattered Pink Diamond, there is a season and a half long arc unpacking the implications and consequences of this one action, and how this knowledge forever alters Steven’s mental image of his mother. And she didn’t even kill anyone. It was a lie!

In Steven Universe Future, Steven shatters Jasper 4 episodes before the end of the series. And it’s only brought up twice; once for a big *gasp* moment during his breakdown in Everything’s Fine, and in I Am My Monster by Pearl, when she has to fill-in Bismuth, Lapis and Peridot. Notably, it is never discussed around or by Jasper. Y’know. The person who actually died.

No indication of how (or even if) what Steven did is affecting his own self-image after his initial breakdown, how Jasper feels about what she went through beyond falling back into the Era 1 and 2 mindset. No inkling of how the knowledge that Steven killed somebody has affected how anyone in his life thinks or feels about him; when Pearl brings it up in I Am My Monster, she seems to not even really believe it’s true.

If there are any consequences or talks about this incident, they’re skipped over between I Am My Monster and The Future, and we’re expected to assume that Steven and his therapist are dealing with it, I guess?

And yes. It was an accident. He did bring her back to life. But it still happened. If you hit someone over the head and they stop breathing, just because the paramedics are able to resusitate and stabilize them afterwards doesn’t mean you never hit them.

But here, it’s shoved aside because dwelling on it would take far too much time, and risks framing Steven in an unsympathetic way when he’s meant to be on the cusp of a breakdown.

It just feels like careless writing to me. They really, really wanted their big action scene with Steven and Jasper, but didn’t think (or maybe weren’t interested in thinking) about the seriousness or consequences of what Steven shattering someone would entail.

In my opinion, Steven shattering Jasper is one of the cheapest, laziest things they could have ever done with his character (and hers, for that matter). To me, the entire thing feels entirely out of character. It’s pure shock value; nothing more.

So yeah. That particular writing decision just does not work for me. And if you disagree... well that’s fine? It’s fine. We can agree to disagree? I’ve read a lot of defense/praise for this episode, and honestly even after processing all of those opinions and all the time my thoughts about this plotline have been stewing in my brain, I still feel the same way.

#steven universe #steven universe future #negativity #cw death

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mrmallard · 3 years

Text

I think I'm secure enough in my reasoning to go into detail about some personal information.

This post concerns my identity, and I discuss negative times in my life and poor mental health. Please be warned before you read this post.

To anyone who's known me for a while, this information is important to me and it's a bit of a shake-up to my portrayal on Tumblr going back a long time. Any input you have, any advice or commentary or anything about this would be appreciated.

Recently on GameFAQs, a user discovered a subreddit called egg_irl and began to take estrogen. He's still using he/him pronouns, but he wants to be a more feminine person - so he's undergoing a degree of transition with the understanding that he might fully transition later on, or he might continue to refer to himself as a man. This seems to be working out really good for him - he used to be really angry, and he'd lash out at users and mods over stupid shit, and this process has brought him some degree of calm and personal understanding.

A small community of trans and questioning users sprang out of his egg_irl threads, and I've been hanging around there lately because I like the atmosphere. I've also started browsing egg_irl, and I really like the memes there. I tend to binge-browse that subreddit when I'm in a bad way, and it makes me feel better.

You might be thinking this is a post about my recent gender exploration and discovery - and to a degree, it is.

But I've actually nurtured an interest in feminine presentation for years. I bought make-up and clothes in 2018, and I've had a feminine name in mind for years beforehand. Whether I'm trans or GNC or non-binary or genderfluid, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I'm not cis, and I've been hiding the bulk of it for years.

I remember a point where I believed in fluidity of gender and sexuality. But I've closed off almost completely about that side of things, for reasons I'm still thinking about. I think a part of this had to do with wanting to pass as straight and cis, with trying to improve my life to a point where I would be attractive to the sort of women I'm attracted to.

I thought that maybe I was living vicariously through a presentation I wanted to experience in my ideal woman. I thought maybe all of this was an expression of my low self-esteem, embodying the sort of woman I wanted to be with because I never believed I would ever be attractive enough for someone like that - and so, I would become that woman, and enjoy the attention that such a presentation would bring.

I gave myself a couple of years to try and sort myself out, go "straight" - or in this case, bi - to win the affections of a woman who I felt comfortable being myself around. But I just don't feel right. Despite my attraction to a woman in my life, it was never enough for me to get off my ass and improve myself enough to be an attractive man. Every time I got depressed, I would completely shut down again, even if I still loved being around her all the time.

Maybe it's a depression thing, maybe it's a gender thing. I think it's a depression thing exacerbated by a gender thing.

I'm hesitant to talk about any of this because I'm definitely mentally ill, and I'm worried that I'm conflating my lifelong depression with potentially being trans. I don't want to go all in on being trans, then realise that I'm just incredibly depressed whether I'm a man or a woman and have to navigate the life I upheaved. I need to get a round of antidepressants and see how my life improves from a cis standpoint, and then try to introduce genderqueer aspects to see how I mesh with them.

Another roadblock is that a lot of my mental illness stems from 10 years of bullying, from early primary school to late high school. My recent thought process has led me to believe that as someone who spent most of my childhood friendless and alone, I never really got to develop my own identity - I didn't have anyone else to really form a "self" from. And I still suffer from a lack of "self", to the point that I just don't know how to talk to other people unless I'm talking about myself in tandem to the topic at hand.

It's to the point where my own name is uncomfortable to me, because I don't think I've ever felt comfortable with anyone using it. I don't feel comfortable being perceived by others, which is bolstered by my childhood on the internet behind usernames. People perceive the username and the character, not me - and I'm comfortable with that. It's me, filtered through a front that other people interact with in my stead.

But my name is a very personal, vulnerable thing, and I don't think I like being addressed by it. I've justified my feelings by saying I would probably like it in an intimate setting - if it's used by someone I love behind closed doors, I would probably like it a lot more. But I haven't had a relationship where that's happened. Partially because I haven't had a relationship with someone I love - I've had one mediocre romantic relationship that we both half-assed, and nothing else since then - and partially because I've never grown to become comfortable with anyone using my name, not even friends and family.

Maybe that's because I have a fractured sense of identity due to emotional distance from everyone in my life, and I would feel that bad whether I was cis or queer. Or maybe it's because I'm trans, genderfluid or otherwise gnc, and I'm having a bad reaction to my deadname.

Back on track - the reason I'm talking about gender now is A) because of how nice those GameFAQs topics have been making me feel, as well as browsing egg_irl, B) because I'm wondering why I was othered for so long as a child, why people began bullying me and why they didn't stop - basically why I am the way I am - and I think being queer might be a part of that, and C) because I've been browsing through old photos of myself and getting these rushes of gender euphoria whenever I see pictures of myself that align with how I want to present all the time.

And as much as I want to wait for the jury's decision, as much as I want to test my mental health and gender expression separately to see if it's either/or - I'm just not in a place in my life where my mental health resources are cutting it. I'm extremely sad all the time, and I'm sober so it's been even harder to cope, and I have trouble opening up to anyone because I've been spending too much time with them and I don't think they want me around.

I figure that browsing egg_irl to cheer myself up, reading the dysphoria bible in the hopes of finding answers about myself and falling in with a crowd of trans and questioning users on another website is a sign that whatever my identity is and however I feel about myself, acknowledging the queerness about my gender is probably a positive thing to do.

So yeah. I think I might be genderfluid or non-binary. I don't mind presenting masc, but presenting as fem has been a guilty pleasure of mine for a long time and it kills me every time I have to go "PSA I'm a cis man, I understand if trans people don't want me commenting on trans stuff or in the trans community, I mean well but I understand if you don't want to hear anything coming from a cis man". Gender euphoria sounds amazing, and I've said as much in the past year when I learned about it for the first time - and I think I've experienced it when I find myself looking incredibly androgynous or fem.

So... yeah. That's what's up with me lately.

Next post in this series will probably cover some triggering topics and events, but for now I want to share some pictures of myself that make me feel what I perceive to be gender euphoria:

To this day I still miss that green hoodie, the fuck

#personal #important

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mary-nesbitt-larking · 4 years

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Why I moved from Choices to Lovestruck (and you should too)

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me well that I was a BIG Choices stan. I ran three Choices blogs (begging-for-kamilah, ask-kamilah sayeed and ask-priya-lacroix) for a long time, fulfilling fanfiction requests and interacting with many wonderful people. During my time in the fandom, I made some beautiful friends and created brilliant memories that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Unfortunately, as time passed, I started to notice a decline in the quality of content that Pixelberry were providing, and after a lot of hesitation, I decided to remove the app and leave the fandom. I was very lucky in that a very good friend introduced me to a different app with a similar style. Lovestruck was something that I’d heard about on the grapevine but had no idea what it was or if it could possibly compare to the fun that Choices had given me over the years. After a lot of resisting and stubborn behaviour on my part, I finally gave it a chance and have never looked back since. Here are just some of the many reasons why you should too:

There are no forced love interests in Lovestruck. That’s right. You read that correctly. You choose your love interest BEFORE you start the story so there will never be any frustrating interactions with characters that you’re not interested in. Remember in Bloodbound Book 2 when you go to Paris with Adrian and Jax (leaving the only two female love interests at home) and you were forced to hold hands with one of them (until Pixelberry later apologised and altered the scene)? There is definitely none of that to worry about in Lovestruck. The person you’re interested in is the only character who will show interest in you, and the entire story will be centred around him/her/them.

Speaking of which, it’s time to talk about the fantastic level of LGBTQ representation in Lovestruck. Non binary characters aren’t just side characters. They actually have their own routes, as well as a huge array of adorable side characters. There are also demisexual characters, asexuals and of course, plenty of lesbians and bisexuals. Voltage (creators of Lovestruck) also very proudly celebrate pride month by releasing incredible LGBTQ content.

On the topic of representation, something that has to be applauded is the racial and religious representation in Lovestruck. You can romance Jewish characters, black characters, south American characters, Asian characters and I’m sure the list goes on. Choices fans might be sad to find that you don’t have the option to customise any love interests or MCs, but I think that this is a blessing.

Something that I find very cool about Lovestruck is that there are different stories for every love interest. For example, if you romance one person from a certain book, romancing another from the same book will get you a completely different story with a totally different route. It’s a stark contrast to Choices, in which Pixelberry- quite literally- copy and paste the same lines for all the available love interests.

And along the same lines of copying and pasting, it’s very refreshing to see that Lovestruck doesn’t reuse faces. I always found it terribly off putting when you’d be playing a Choices book and a love interest from another book would be your waiter or waitress.

One brilliant thing about Lovestruck is the way that they present the MC. Every MC has their own unique personality and backstory. Whilst that does mean “less choice”, it’s really refreshing having an MC with parents. With siblings. With a job. A life. An actual story outside their love interest. There’s one MC who discusses her experiences as a woman of colour, and I think that’s exceptionally important for the player.

On a superficial note, Lovestruck has GORGEOUS art. I did love the art in Choices too, but I don’t think it has anything on Lovestruck. The backgrounds are stunning, but it’s the characters who are gorgeous. Not to mention, we get absolutely beautiful CGs. This is something Choices sorely lacks. In the later books, the LIs and MCs even blink and move which I find gives it a more engaging feel. There are also MANY more facial expressions for every character in Lovestruck. Blushing faces, a neutral face, smiles, angry faces, sad faces, shocked faces, anxious faces... It’s not just the same standard five like in Choices.

Another superficial- but very cool aspect- of Lovestruck is that almost every outfit is 100% free. The MCs and LIs will change their clothes whenever appropriate and you don’t have to pay a penny. The only time when outfits will ever cost any in-game currency is if it will mean you gain a CG out of it, but in my personal experience, I’ve only ever seen this being the case for two books.

This is just a side note but something I love in Lovestruck is that adorable animals aren’t paywalled. They’re just there. Your love interest might have a cat- or a bear in one book- and you don’t have to pay to love up on them. They’re just another part of the story.

Still on the more superficial side of things is the music. I will totally admit, I LOVE the music in Choices and have a fair bit of it downloaded to my iTunes. But for anyone hesitant to move over to Lovestruck for the sake of the music, don’t panic! The music is just as brilliant, just as catchy and just as heartfelt.

One of the things that always stressed me about Choices was the in-game currency. Diamonds were expensive and unfortunately, every single chapter would involve multiple diamond scenes. In many books, the diamond scenes were so important to the story that to go without them would mean that huge chunks of plot were missed. The amazing thing about Lovestruck is that if you choose not to do the premium scenes (the currency is hearts) then it does absolutely nothing to the story whatsoever. The heart scenes are purely there to give you a little bonus but whether you choose to do them or not, nothing about the story or your relationship with your love interest will change.

And whilst we’re on the topic of heart scenes, it’s important to note that whilst Choices usually has 3-4 diamond scenes PER chapter, heart scenes only pop up around 9 out of every 12 chapters, and you will VERY rarely find anything that costs more than 30 hearts.

The system to earn these hearts is totally different to Choices. Whilst you could watch ads to earn diamonds a few times per day, plus playing chapters would gain you two diamonds, Lovestruck gives you “quests”. Every few hours, the quests refresh and all you have to do is read a certain amount of chapters of a specified love interest, and you get the hearts. It’s a win/win situation because the more you play, the more you get.

Not to mention, every day you get to earn a puzzle piece and when you complete a puzzle, you win a certain amount of hearts. It seems tedious at first but they add up fast!

And it’s not just hearts you earn, either! In Choices, you would use “keys” to read a chapter. In Lovestruck, you use “tickets”. Some quests mean that if you read a certain amount of chapters, you get given 2, 3 or even 5 tickets so you can just keep on reading!

Since I’ve addressed some of the Lovestruck mechanics, I just want to talk about how much I love that you can fast forward, rewind, autoplay (it plays hands free and there are three different speeds to choose from) and even choose the chapter you’d like to play. This is amazingly refreshing because when it comes to Choices, you have to start the entire book again if you want to get to a specific chapter, AND you have to click through it fast because you can’t fast forward.

Oh, and when you’ve played a chapter, a little heart symbol will appear next to it if it has a premium scene so you know whether or not you need to save your hearts!

I really want to address the smut scenes. I know that sounds like another more superficial topic but I think it’s pretty important. I think there’s something more “mature” about Lovestruck and smut. The sex scenes are tasteful yet somehow sexier. They’re not rushed at all. And Voltage aren’t afraid to include actual kinky moments.

More importantly, though, is that Lovestruck addresses virginity and handles it incredibly tastefully. It’s done in a realistic fashion, too. Sometimes, characters don’t really feel like having sex with their partner. Sometimes they want to at first but then feel anxiety. Sometimes they’re scared. Sometimes they want to stop half way through. Sometimes they have trouble reaching orgasm. All very real scenarios that are addressed tactfully and beautifully. The virgins (be they the MC or LI) in Lovestruck are realistic. They don’t just dive into bed. It’s a process. There’s fear along with excitement. There are moments of panic. It’s not just smut for the sake of smut. It deals with adult situations, something that I always thought Choices struggled with.

Actually, it’s not just sex. These character get anxiety, depression and genuine mental health problems. And it’s dealt with so perfectly, yet so realistically. They’re anxious when it’s appropriate.

I don’t want to bash Choices too badly, as I don’t think Pixelberry are an evil company, but some of the things they did- particularly towards the end- were unforgivable.

Hana Lee’s infertility and the way that it was merely glossed over was appalling. As someone who is also infertile, I can tell you that you don’t just “get over it”, even if your partner is carrying your child.

I’ll also never quite get over the fact that when you’re almost raped in Red Carpet Diaries 2, you have to pay 30 diamonds if you want someone to stay and comfort you. As a sexual abuse victim, I think that’s grotesque, and a glorification of rape.

I can safely say, there is NOTHING like that in Lovestruck, and just to reiterate, all the important plot points are FREE.

To bring this mood back up a little bit, something I think is really cute is that when you’re choosing the love interest you’d like to romance in Lovestruck, you can see sweet little facts about them, including their birthdays, their height and their personality traits.

Sometimes the stories cross over, too, and love interests will appear in each other’s stories. And the cute thing is, if you’re romancing an LGBTQ character, it will be canonical that whichever love interest crosses over will be in an LGBTQ relationship with MC.

There are also fun little side stories that you can play, and to really make things interesting, you can often play the same book but from the point of view of your love interest! These do usually cost hearts but not many at all. 15 hearts can get you things like 4 chapters, for example!

I just want to talk about how wonderful Voltage are as a company, too. You can tell this isn’t about money for them. They just want the best for their players and it shows. They are often asking the community what they want and bringing out polls, and they will always let us have our say.

There are also no false promises of stories being “in the works”. If a story is abandoned, they won’t lie about it. There are no “politician’s answers” from them. Just pure transparency.

The last thing I want to talk about is the writing style. Lovestruck’s style is worlds apart from Choices. To describe it for you, Choices feels like playing a fun app with cool stories. Lovestruck feels like reading a book, immersing yourself in a novel. And the style is unbeatable.

TLDR; it’s time to cut the apron strings and move on from Choices. Lovestruck awaits! Tagging @lovestruckvoltage because I love you and appreciate you.

#choices stories you play #playchoices #lovestruck #voltage inc #lovestruckvoltage

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hquirks · 4 years

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Karasuno & College AU Pt. 1

School: Karasuno

Genre: headcanons, fluff, crack, slice of life

Warnings: mental health breakdowns

A/N: This is a Haikyuu!! Headcanon where the Karasuno first years attend the same college and experience their first semester. This is written under the assumption that they attend a Japanese college that follows an American college system. Lastly, most of these headcanons were based on our own personal experiences in college and from our friends.

Disclaimer: This is very...long LMAO. We’ve been working on this for the past 2 weeks on and off. We just had a lot of feelings but we had so much fun! We’re sorry but we hope you enjoy!!

By: Noodle ✨, BananaMilk 🐯, & FriedOmurice 🌊

HINATA SHOYO

Sports Communication Major

Gets scouted by a university’s volleyball team for either middle blocker/winged spiker

Procrastinates so HARD like does his essay that’s due at 8 am the night before. He PASSES his classes especially the ones for his major and what he is randomly interested in but he is still a mess when it comes to studying.

Though Hinata would be the person you see openly crying out of sadness and doom at 1am in the library

While he has gotten better in taking care of his body, however like any college student, he lives on redbull and coffee especially during finals.

Tries to not pull all nighters but will due to his procrastination and inability to get work done efficiently

Lives in the same dorm building as Kageyama but on different floors. They burst into each other’s rooms unannounced all the time since they’ve established long ago that they are best friends and do not give a fuck. They banter with each other 24/7 (their respective roommates have grown immune to their loudness and bickering.)

Hinata’s roommate is Inouka from Nekoma!! They both get along really well and are able to live well together so they stay roommates the rest of the years in college. Hinata is a little messier than Inuoka but he keeps his messes to his side that Inuoka never minds.

Their apartment is super wholesome bc since they’re always encouraging each other, they leave little notes like “You got this!!”, “Good luck on your exam!” or “You’re amazing and awesome! Don’t forget it!” Also, the apartment just looks really homey, very lived in.

He becomes kinda popular at school because he just ends up befriending all his classmates (and is even closer to the people in his major) and also because of being on the volleyball team!! Hinata gets recognized everywhere even when he’s off campus and everyone says hi to him, and he never minds.

As a freshman, he attends all of the freshman events and all the free events that happen every day Friday!!!! His favorite Friday event is when they get to stuff an animal (either their school mascot or another animal) and are able to dress it up and keep it! (His favorite is an owl dressed like a volleyball player that he named Little Giant)

Tries to get involved with other clubs but because of volleyball and his inability to juggle more than 3 things, he doesn’t (but still ends up becoming friends with the people in the club bc they think he’s so friendly and fun)

Ends up going to a lot of events held by the clubs he’s befriended! He kinda of becomes a recruiter for the clubs because if he finds someone who talks about an interest, he recommends them one of the clubs. (The clubs are forever grateful because they always get an influx of people during fall semester every year.)

His first semester grades consists of:

- The Coming of Individuality (mandatory freshman course): C+ - Japanese Literature: C - Sports Media and Society: B - Principles of Sports Reporting: A - Biology 1: C-

Hinata has a breakdown about his grades because he does not want to lose his starting spot on the volleyball team. However, he improves much more due to the help of his friends like Yachi and Inuoka the next semester.

KAGEYAMA TOBIO

Sports therapy

Also gets scouted as a setter by the same university as Hinata

Since Hinata is adamant about attending all the freshman events and free events the campus offers every Friday, he eventually gets pulled into going with Hinata even though he doesn’t want to.

Thanks to Karasuno and Hinata, he has softened over the years and has learned to be more sociable with others, but he still prefers to hang out with the first years squad and is still a quiet person.

In their first dorm year, Kunimi and Kindaichi were planning to room together & they were looking for a third roommate, and Kageyama was assigned to their room

They eventually grow mutual respect towards each other

His grades are better than when he was in high school because he actually likes his classes, but he still sucks at general education subjects

He lives on coffee and 5 hour energies to get through finals. He has to cut down on the 5 hour energies because he ends up not sleeping for 3 days straight and he starts to get worried.

Kageyama eventually caves in and tries to join other clubs that do not revolve around volleyball thanks to his friends. Somehow, and the first year squad is still confused as to how, he grew to love the cooking club and he gets really excited whenever they’re trying out a new dish! (He also thinks that as an athlete knowing how to cook and take care of his body is crucial).

One day when they’re hanging out at Yamaguchi and Tsukki’s apartment, he cooks for them a recipe he learned from the club. The others are really apprehensive at first to taste it, but are genuinely so surprised that it actually tasted REALLY good and immediately start showering him compliments and yelling. Kageyama’s brain goes mush and all he can say is HINATA BOKE(Hinata: WHAT??? I was complimenting you and I wasn’t the only one, Bakageyama!!)

Besides going on his daily runs, he will also find time to go to the gym early in the mornings. He brings Hinata along with him and they just end up competing at the gym. They become regulars and befriend the front desk people and the security guards.

Because of how popular and good-looking he is, he ends up developing a fan club but doesn’t know about it until one day Tsukki points it out. It’s right after midterms in their 1st year and all five are out to eat. Tsukki’s gets annoyed because there’s just been a hoard of girls (& guys) following them in the restaurant.

Tsukki: can you tell your fanclub to leave us alone?

Kags: ...my what???

Tsukki, unimpressed but not surprised:....

Hinata points out that he has a fanclub like the Great King and Kageyama just blanches...he wants to be like Oikawa but not like this LMFAO

Kageyama’s first semester grades:

- The Coming of Individuality (mandatory freshman course): C+ - Principles of sports therapy A+ - General Japanese 1 C- - Calculus 1 B+ - Ethical Issues in Sport A-

TSUKISHIMA KEI

World History major (Honors Program)

Very orderly with his course plans (LEARNING CURVE WHO??)

The guy who plans his week ahead and actually diligently studies. Since Tsukki is BUSY all the time in college, his planner is DETAILED and NEAT. He carries it with him all the time in his backpack or pocket since it is so small and portable. If needed whenever his plans do change, he would carry small sticky notes to plan it out on the spot and make sure everything goes smoothly still. Plus he hates it when it looks messy so sticky notes are a must.

Doesn’t usually go to events on his own willpower. He usually gets dragged into events by his upperclassmen (Kuroo and Bokuto) or Yamaguchi begs to go with him because he doesn’t want to go alone.

Enjoys going to the college’s on-campus museums during his spare time. He visits seasonally since the museums change up one exhibit every few month dedicated to a certain event or artist. His favorite is the art museum because it’s quiet and calming. (Also, he’s undisturbed by the others...)

Doesn’t want to be the group manager but becomes one anyway because he just can’t watch others “ruin” his grade.

Has some university credits already from his AP classes / dual enrollment so he’s already finished with some general education requirements but still needs a few more.

He can actually graduate a semester early BUT decides against it because his apartment lease goes through the next semester and doesn’t want to be bothered with finding someone else to take his spot. (He won’t admit it but he would kinda sorta miss the 4 idiots...)

Sometimes he forgets to eat (Yamaguchi usually reminds him plus they end up going to lunch together too). Often buys starbucks sandwiches on the way to class.

He has his own starbucks cup. He always drinks the same thing, so the workers remember his face and order. Sometimes they make his order ahead of time because they know. Loves their chocolate croissants.

That bitch who drinks BLACK coffee every morning for enjoyment!!! He also drinks espresso for necessity during finals

Arrives to class early so he can get the really nice seat in the back and doesn’t want to sit next to anyone

In class discussions, Tsukki is a classic smartass. He will not hesitate to give out his opinion and often plays devil's advocate for the class.

He doesn’t join the school official volleyball team, but joins the volleyball club instead because he has to juggle between being in the honors program, being a research assistant, and playing volleyball

Doesn’t want to admit it, but still supports the boys at the official volleyball team. Goes to almost every game in disguise.

Tsukki’s first semester grades:

- The Coming of Individuality (mandatory freshman course): A- - European History and Culture A+ - History Research Seminar: A+ - Crime and Punishment in Japanese History: A+ - Empires, Nationalism, and Revolution: A+

Won’t say it, but is actually pretty upset that he got a A- in Coming of Individuality

YAMAGUCHI TADASHI

He majors in psychology and minors in business administration.

Knows where all the university gardens are and has a favorite spot when he studies sometimes if he wants some fresh air.

In continuation, he knows and goes to all the nice trails and parks around the city. He tries to go when he cans and he often brings the other first years when they all have the time. (Everyone except Tsukki enjoys it...but Tsukki grows to love it as well.)

Yamaguchi and Yachi go together to pet the therapy dogs every Friday by the library and cry from the cuteness and love they receive. They have a favorite dog that is a shiba inu named Mizu who is the ABSOLUTE sweets and gets so many belly rubs from these two.

Yamaguchi works at a boba place to cover his loans. The first-year squad comes over often to study and hang out with him (really though they tease/play around with him). He is a STAR employee, having been there most of his 4 years and is employee of the month frequently. Knows the regulars’ orders by heart and is doted on the little old lady who comes in with her dog every Sunday morning.

He LOVES all the good food. He knows all the low key, hole-in-the-wall places that DELIVER on food. His favorite food is teriyaki chicken. It’s basic but also HAS to be quality chicken and chicken.

When Yamaguchi wants to cry from the stress of doing SOOOOOO MUCH (school, job, research assistant, and psychology club), he goes to the psychology building because it’s colder and has fewer people. He discovered a spot there that no one ever goes to and cries there.

He actually found his mentor/ researcher boss who was a psychology professor and researcher who saw him one day and asked if he was okay.

He joins the psychology club and gets so involved!! He does the mentor/mentee program and because he loves helping people so much, he ends up having so many mentees and even adopting a few who get abandoned

Even though he’s already busy, he actually becomes secretary this 2nd year, VP 3rd year, and then president his last year!

Yamaguchi does NOT do coffee, but he loves tea and anything relating to tea. His favorite boba flavor is matcha green tea.

Because of this, he becomes obsessed with matcha in general and will get matcha flavored anything

Yamaguchi and Tsukki are roomies (duh). People don’t get why they live together with their opposite personalities, but they eventually see why

Yamaguchi first semester grades:

- Psychology of Personality: A+ - The Coming of Individuality (mandatory freshman course): A- - Social Psychology: A+ - Introduction to Statistics 1: B- - Introduction to Finance: B

Has always been a good student and works hard for his grades but his first semester grades suffer a little(freaks out about his B’s) because of all the stuff he has on his plate, however, he learns to handle it better and understands that a B is still okay!!

YACHI HITOKA

Graphic Design Major

Binge-buys Shein and YesStyle Clothes the first week

This QUEEN has taken every self defense lesson she could get her hands on and bought herself pepper spray as well. Even though the boys felt they were fine, she gave them pepper spray to put in their bags(practically shoved it in their bags because she wants them to be safe too)

She gets a lot of compliments for her cat keychain from others, but none of them really know that the keychain can be used for self defense and Yachi bought it because it was cute and effective.

Her campus has a building for all of the student life and activities and there’s a small bowling alley. Lemme tell you, she’s a serious bowler; like her scores are always in the triple digits. She goes every Wednesday religiously all four years (except during midterms and finals week) because it’s half priced.

OFC she joins the bowling club and competes throughout her college years. Y’all already know she’s winning the medals.

THE QUEEN OF SAVING MONEY AND COUPONING!! She will always snag the free, semesterly coupon book in the plaza when they give them out. She ends up grabbing 4 (2 for her and 2 for her roommate)

Yachi LOVES sweets so when she’s feeling stressed, she usually eats sweet things or cries and if she’s REALLY stressed she’ll do both. Her best friends are her tears, a tub of chocolate ice cream, and videos of animals(cats, dogs, pandas mostly but cats are her fav mostly) plus tiny food cooking to make her feel better.

In clubs that she joins, she often becomes the multimedia chair and everyone loves her designs and ideas!!

She interns during her 3rd year as a local business where they use her design as the new logo for the company!! Because of how well the design was, she ends up catching the eye of a major company (one she’s been looking at for a while) and they offer her a job after graduation!!

The boys are super proud of her and surprise her with a congratulations party for her success!! The boys are tearing up at how much Yachi has grown as a person(imagine Kiyoko when she presented Karasuno with the team flag and all the second and third year boys CRIED. That’s what happens basically)

Yachi’s first semester grades:

- The Coming of Individuality (mandatory freshman course): A+ - Perceptual drawing: A+ - Typography: A+ - Principles of Art History 1:B+ - Introduction to Statistics: A+

Yachi is SMART and has great grades, but her anxiety affects her when she’s dealing with big projects for her classes. She eventually gets better every semester and learns to manage her anxiety when it comes to big assignments! Bottom line, she evolves to be a BOSS.

FIRST YEARS’ SHENANIGANS (FIRST YEARS)

Coming of Individuality: freshman required course

- Hinata, Yachi, and Yamaguchi agree to be in the same class Hinata convinces Kageyama to take the course with him

- Yamaguchi asks Tsukki to take the course with him and Yachi, which he agrees, but Tsukki doesn’t know that Hinata and Kageyama are also there

Plants Drops!

- Every 3rd Thursday of the month, the gardening club has a plant drop where they give out plants for free in their campus’ plaza

- So, Yachi and Yamaguchi are the first ones to find out about it, and end up dragging the other 3 to go with them

- Tsukki thought he would hate it but he got this little cactus that he’s kept alive all four years and brings it with him when he graduates into his new apartment - Hinata tries to keep the plants alive but ends up forgetting about them so he has to opt for cacti only; though, he does end up keeping one plant alive for the rest of the semester but forgets about it when he goes home and leaves it in the dorm - Kageyama ends up keeping two plants alive, both little ferns, and names them banana and strawberry (his favorite milks) They still go every 3rd Thursday even if they have plants because it gives them an opportunity to see each other if they have been busy

Yamaguchi and Tsukki’s place

- The undisputed hangout place for the first year squad (Tsukki worries that Kags and Hinata will break something every time they come over) since it is so close to campus. - They often come over in between classes to chill and eat their food in peace while watching Netflix or playing Mario Kart or Super Smash together.

MANDATED (Tsukki didn’t want this but the others wanted this to happen) first-year lunch hangout

- Every Friday at exactly 11:15am, the first-year squad would eat lunch together at a local food stand on their campus called Tikis to catch up for the week. - They chose Friday because they tried all the other days and decided collectively that Fridays were the best. - The food stand usually sells a variety of food (usually soul food) and switch it up every week but it has some of the BEST food on campus (& even the city) - Without a doubt, the first-year squad ALWAYS make sure to leave space for their mandated Tikis lunch when doing their schedules every semester. No excuses.

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turnupbrock · 4 years

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Was I not good enough?//Colby Brock x Reader

I was in the kitchen waiting for Colby to get out of the shower. I was sitting on the counter, scrolling through my social media pages when Colby's phone that was on the charger next to me, vibrated. Colby and I have been dating for 2 years and we never had an issue with secrecy towards each other. We always told each other everything. Whether it would have been late nights out on the balcony, or deep talks while cuddling, we knew everything about one another. Not a stone left un-turned or page not read. So when I saw the name 'Emily' text him, it took me by surprise. My curiosity got the best of me and I opened his phone. Seeing the most recent text read 'Hey babe, I miss you! can't wait to see you tomorrow!💕' My brow furrowed in confusion as I read the text. I continued to scroll through their conversation to subside my growing suspicion, as I continued to read my heart broke. I never in a million years thought that we would have these problem, never would I thought that he would cheat on me.

I made my way to the couch, still holding Colby's phone in my hand. I sat down releasing a breath, and felt warm tears run down my cheeks. It wasn't long before Colby walked out of his room wearing a pair of gray joggers, hanging low on his hips, shirtless, and his curly damp hair swaying when he walked towards me. Seeing me sitting on the couch with tears running down my face, he immediately rushed over to my side.

"Baby, what's wrong?" he cooed as his arm came around my shoulders, pulling me to his bare chest. "How long Colby?" I asked trying to keep my voice steady but it cracked on the last word. "Huh?" he asked confusion laced in his voice. I scooted away from him, seeing the hurt flash in his eyes when I moved. I tossed his phone on the couch in between the both of us. Colby looked down at his phone, his eyes widened and his gaze snapped back up to meet mine. Guilt and fear written across his face as he looked at me. "How long, Colby?" I asked again. "Y/n, I can ex-" I cut him off. "Answer the fucking question Colby" I spit out to him. He dropped his head and looked down at his hands, twisting his fingers. "Two months" he quietly said, my eyes widened "t-two mon- wow. Two months?!" I slightly raised my voice, my anger getting the best of me now. I was angry now, and that anger was taking over the pain that was in my chest, making it hard for me to breath. He nodded his head still not looking at me. "Look at me Colby," my voice cracked as I talked to him. After a minute he finally looked up at me, the guilt still in his eyes. "Why?" I croaked out. "I don't know, Y/n" he replied looking into my eyes. I laughed lightly although nothing about this was funny. "What a bullshit excuse," I laughed out. I didn't care to wipe away the tears leaking from my eyes. "was I not enough for you, Colby?" my voice was shaky, filled with so much emotion as I spoke to the boy that I thought would be my forever. When those words lefts my mouth, his head shot up to mine. He shook is head hard, "Of course you were enough y/n," he said as his own tears spilled over his cheeks. I shook my head back at him, "if I was, you wouldn't have ch- stepped out on me.." I choked out. I could get the word 'cheat' out of my mouth. But that is what happened he cheated on me and then lied about it. I should have noticed the way his phone was always on silent, or that he never left it out anymore, or that he was "filming late with the guys". All these signs that I chose to ignore because he had his way with words. I just stared at him for a moment watching the tears falling from his guilt and regret filled eyes. I closed my eyes against the tsunami of tears that we bound to fall at any moment. I lifted myself off of the couch and looked down at the only person that knew me better than anyone. The person that I trusted with my heart, only for him to break it and leave it in a pile of jagged pieces. Left it for me to pick up and try to put back to together. "Do you love her Colby?" I asked, dreading the answer that I already knew but I had to hear it. He broke our eye contact and looked down at his couch. Slowly, he nodded his head. I felt the pain in my chest increase to the point that I thought I would pass out from how heavy it felt. The tears just kept spilling, and I did absolutely nothing to stop them.

"Okay, um, I gotta go.." I trailed off walking back over to the counter where my phone, wallet, and keys were. Colby stood up off of the couch. "Can't you stay? So we can talk about this, please?" he asked wiping the tears off of his face just for them to replaced by fresh ones. "No, Colby because if I stay I'm going to end up forgiving you or slapping the shit out of you." I said making my way over to the door. I turned around just as I was about to open the door, to see the man that I fell in love two years ago. He wasn't the same Colby that I used to see. "I hope she was worth it Colby. I hope that when she is laying in bed with you, that you're happy. I hope that when she is wearing you shirt while cooking you something, that you're happy. I hope that when she looks at you with so much love and affection, that you're happy. I really do hope you're happy. I hope that she can give you everything that I couldn't." I said before walking out of the apartment that was my safe place to be when I didn't want to be alone. Leaving not only the good and bad memories there, but also leaving the man that I thought I was going to marry, have kids with, grow old with. I think that hurt the most, he always promised that we were forever but I guess I couldn't full fill that for him anymore.

Two days later I was sitting on my couch watching some show on Hulu, while eating ice cream. Trying to get my mind off of the hurt and heartbreak that I knew wasn't going away for a long time. Yesterday I made the discussion to take a break off of social media for my mental heath, tweeting out a simple 'Taking a break from all socials for a while..' I jumped when my phone dinged, bringing me out of my head. I looked to see that Colby had tweeted out a video, again the curiosity got the best of me and I opened it..

*In Video* Colby's eyes were red and puffy from crying and the tear stains on his cheeks were very prominent. He sat on a chair, his camera showing the kitchen in the background. "Hey, guys it's Colby and I just wanted to come on here and say that I'm going to take a break from social media for a little while. I'm not going to get into the reasons why I'm taking a break. I just wanted to let all of you know. I don't know when I'm going to be back, and this isn't a planned break so whenever I think that I am ready to come back on is when I'm going to." He sniffled a little bit and wiped away a few tears that had leaked from his red shot eyes. It broke my heart seeing him like this but I knew that I looked the same way. "So, I'll see you guys when I come to but I love you guys so so much, Peace." He covered the lens with his palm and the video ended leaving fans confused but it was better for his mental health and just social media in general is not the best thing to be on when you're in a bad state. I looked at my last tweets and there were only three, that left fans worried but I had to get it off of my chest. I looked at the tweet on my profile that I had sent out before I announced that I was taking a break, and that tweet said 'Love, what a powerful yet heartbreaking word.' How true that statement was to me.

A month later and a half later and I'm still working on me. It hurts to wake up and realize that I'm alone, it is one of the hardest things to do because for the past two years, I had someone to wake up to, and now I don't have anyone. I was looking through my old pictures seeing that so many involved Colby, it broke me and I started to sob again. The pain, betrayal, and heartbreak taking over me for a little until my phone rang. The contact showing Sam, he has been there with me during this breakup, helped me realize that it has to be bad before it gets better. I answered still sniffling, "Hey Sam, what's up" I didn't notice that my voiced was laced with my sadness. "Hey, you doing okay?" he asked worry in his voice. "y-yeah just you know, just perfect," I stuttered out. I heard his sigh on the other end but I chose to ignore it, "so, what's up?" I asked him, "Um, so Colby wants to post a video telling the fans what happened.." he hesitated before continuing, "he said that he just wants to clear the air with the fans, but he said he will only do it, if it's okay with you. He'll send me the video to send to you, so you can watch it before he posts it and so you can let him know if it's okay to be posted." I stayed silent for a second, thinking of everything that could come from that. I know that he will get hate from the fans when he tells them that he cheated but, he is right. The fans have the right to know since they are such a big part of our lives. I released a breath, "yeah, he can film, telling the fans the truth." I replied my voice still shaky from the crying session that was just interrupted. I heard a faint sniffle from the other end and I knew that it was Colby's. "Yeah, okay. Um, come over please. Come talk to me and we can post mates and chill for a while?" he asked nervously. I laughed lightly, "yes, Sam, I would love to come over and have you deal with my emotional, broken, and hurting self. While drowning my sorrows in Chipotle." I said to him, hearing his laugh through the phone put a genuine smile on my face. "Okay, but get here quick," he said sternly.

Colby's Pov- "yes sir." I heard y/n voice through the small speaker on Sam's phone. He finished the conversation with her, then turned to me. "You probably shouldn't be here when she gets here.." he trailed off awkwardly. I nodded and stood up, "thanks man for calling her, I just don't think that I could have done it." I said feeling tears line my eyes again. Sam pulled me into a tight bro hug for a second before letting go, "Anytime brother." I smiled weakly and made my way to my apartment. Without y/n here, it just felt so empty and quiet. I did what I've been doing everyday for the past month and a half, I sat on my couch, head in my hands, reliving everything that had happened while crying my eyes out. After a while I decided to take a walk around the apartment building to clear my head. I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my phone before walking out of my door. When I passed Sam's door I heard a familiar voice, the voice of the women that I love. "Sam, it hurts, it hurts so bad." she cried out, hearing her so sad and broke made me cry as well. " why? why wasn't I enough f-for him?" her cries got louder as Sam tried calming her down. I continued down the hall with tears of my own falling freely down my face as I looked down at the carpeted floor. Why? Why did I have to go and fuck something that was so perfect up? After a long wonder around the building, I made it back to my house where I set up the camera and started to film.

*In Video* Colby sighed and looked down at the rings that adorned his fingers. "This is going to be the hardest video I have ever had to film" he said. Colby looked back up to the lens with his heartbroken, glassy, red eyes. "I fucked up bad. I'm going to address some rumors and clear the air with you guys. Yes, Y/n and I broke up. We are no longer together. Now before you go start hating on her, listen to the full thing because all of this, is 100% my fault. I am the reason we are no longer together. ME not her." he emphasized that point to the viewers. "As you know Y/n and I were together for two years. Those two years were the best of my life. But a month and a half ago, we broke up. This was because.." he stopped and inhaled, preparing himself to tell the world that he had stepped out on his girlfriend. As a few tears slipped from his eyes he continued, "I cheated on y/n. I cheated on her for two months before she found out. It was with a girl that doesn't have any social media, so please don't go assuming that it was this person or that person, because it wasn't." he made sure to point that out before things go ugly with drama and lies. "People, my friends, and even my family keep asking me, 'Why?' 'Why would you go and ruin something so perfect?' And that answer is simply, I don't know. I'm being honest when I say that because truly, deep down, I have absolutely no fucking idea why I did what I did." Colby took a deep breath to try and control the tears that were overflowing from his eyes, but it was no use for they kept falling. "I don't want any pity, or people saying that they feel bad for me because I'm crying or because we're no longer dating. No, I don't want it, I don't deserve it. I just want to clear the air and continue on my break from social media. Um, yeah so that's why we are no longer together. And that is why I'm taking a break from this. I need time to focus on me and my state of mind. I need to stable those things before I can come on here. Peace." With that the video ended.

I sent the video, no editing to Sam so he could show it to Y/n. While I waited, I cleaned up my living room, seeing how much of a mess it was. But before I could completely finish, my phone buzzed with a text from Sam, 'She said that it's fine and that you can go ahead and post it, but she is also making a video to add on something. She said that it'll be sent to you as well so you can say if you don't approve.' I read it and sighed. 'Thanks man. Just send me her video and I'll watch it.' I opened the twitter app and a sent out a tweet saying 'I miss waking up to you dancing around the kitchen in my t-shirt while cooking..' directly after that tweet, I put up the video. I also put it on my Instagram. For the next hour or so I sat on my balcony, listening to music and thinking over how the past few months of my life played out. I didn't care to stop the tear drops that would trail down my cheeks. I was surprised to see a name pop up on my screen. A name I thought would never text me again, Y/n. She texted me her video and I automatically paused the music to watch it.

*In Her Video* Y/n sat there on the edge of her bed, a bed that Colby used to sleep in. The bed that you guys used to cuddle in or have amazing nights in. Colby couldn't help but to let out a couple of sobs thinking about how you guys would never share the same bed or nights again. You sat there, red puffy, bloodshot, glassy eyes peering into the lens of your camera. "Um, as many of you know know now, Colby and I are no longer together, yes that means that we broke up" you choke out as a couple stray tears fell out of your eyes. "Yes, he did cheat on me. No, I'm not going to go into it because it still hurts so so much. If you want to know then go check out the video that Colby posted first. He explained things that I won't go into." Y/n looked away from the camera to bite back the sobs that were fighting their way from her throat. A couple did get hiccuped out. "My friends and family keep telling me that the hardest thing to regain is going to be my trust. But I think that they are wrong. I think that the hardest thing to regain, the thing that is going to take the longest to get back is without a doubt my self love. I used to love myself and think of myself as good enough for anyone in my life but ever since this whole thing happened," she paused for a minute to wipe away her tears. "since this whole ordeal happened, I don't have much self love so that to me is going to be the hardest thing to get back. And that to me is going to take the longest. Yeah, rebuilding my trust is going to be a bitch too. This is why I am going to continue my break for as long as I feel that I need it and I hope you guys understand. I love guys so much. Colby, I miss you, I'm probably always going to miss you. Maybe one day in the future we can talk about being friends but for right now the best thing for both of us is a clean break. For our own mental health and so we can work on ourselves. I love you. So much." Y/n ended her video and the screen went black.

I took a deep breath a wiped my tears away with the sleeve of my sweater, before replying to her text. 'Yeah, go ahead and post it' I sent to her. Not long after I got her reply, 'Thank you' I took my chance, 'I miss you too', I was scared of the reply that I might get but she only replied with a simple,

'Always'

#absolutelynobodyposts #colby brock imagine #colby brock oneshot #colby brock fanfic

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qualquercoisa945 · 4 years

Text

So We Picked Up A Pen And A Microphone

AO3 Link

Title Inspiration- Ex Wives from Six

so for those wondering what the countdown in my bio has been about anyways yeah uhhhhhhhh i am legally allowed to post this today since it’s my birthday and therefor i am legally obligated to self indulge, thank you for your time

tws- none that i can think of, but please tell me if there are any

Even before the show had started, back when all of them were still in rehearsals and the very few voluntary conversations any of them ever had were stilted at best or arguments just barely disguised as passionate discussions at worst, Anne was never the earliest to places. Partially due to not really wanting to wake up at Too Fucking Early O’Clock, partially because she just genuinely wasn’t the most pontual person- very rarely was she not at least a few minutes late to events.

But today was a bit of an exception. Today was the opening of their West End run, and she couldn’t help the slight skip to her step as she walked from the tube station towards the theatre, for once the first one to get going there. Not that she wasn’t familiar with the theatre or the show or any of that- but she would be lying if she said there wasn’t a reason.

During their UK tour, they had one alternate- Regina. She’d go on whenever any of the queens were ill or busy, but only one alternate for six queens was clearly too little- something Anne herself had brought up with the production team, with no action taken. Of course, as anyone with half a brain could’ve guessed, this resulted in multiple shows having to be cancelled and all of them, Regina included, being exhausted by the end of their run.

So once the West End run was announced, so were the changes to the cast- the addition of two alternates and a swing. And she was shocked when she noticed that she recognized them- from the posts Regina had made with her friends.

She’d looked into them- call it paranoia or stalking or what have you, but she’d prefer not to be around people she knew nothing about, especially not people who were going to be acting as herself when she couldn’t. She had their names- the alternates being Skye Jackson and Ally Rodriguez and the swing Gretchen Warren- and the social media that the show’s account had tagged them with.

Gretchen was the second oldest out of the four of them, just 2 years younger than Regina at 22, with dark brown wavy hair and green eyes. She didn’t seem to have much in the way of public stuff- her account had been set to private when she was tagged, and it was only after Anne had gotten permission to follow her that it was set to public. It was mainly personal, with a few pictures of relatively small local productions that never fully took off. This was understandable- she’d graduated just a year ago, and not everyone had a job offer right out of college. Now Skye and Ally were a different story.

Ally was the youngest, having turned 19 in the past November, just two months earlier, with light brown hair and some of the darkest eyes she had ever seen. A lot of the posts were personal, typical teenager stuff like photos of hang outs or posts at parties. Some were more serious- activism or mental health centered stuff that hinted more into stuff Ally seemed to keep closer to her chest. And there were also some tiny school productions of musicals, as well as covers she seemed to mostly do with her friends- some of them being her fellow alternates and swing, and the closest Skye.

Skye had her curious from the moment she’d seen the clips posted of them in rehearsal. At 19, just a few months older than Ally, and with jet black hair with teal tips and purple eyes, she couldn’t help but focus on her as she acted out what she recognized as her own song. A quick browse through her profile and she noticed the girl’s personality was an awful lot like her own- all huge grins and cocky smirks and quickly thought-up quips and arguments. Her posts, along with the videos she posted on the Youtube channel linked in her bio, were a mix of everything- personal stuff, covers, productions, announcements, and other more serious stuff that she seemed to also avoid.

She’d texted all of them as soon as she could, and although she’d gotten along with them fairly well, conversation had died fairly quickly due to the usual early-friendship awkwardness.

That hadn’t been the case for some of her other cast members, however, as she’d heard Cathy talk about Skye as if the two were friends, and Kitty seemed to have gotten along with Ally quite well. There was a part of her that couldn’t help but wonder why no one had managed to connect with Gretchen, but she figured they’d have time for that once performances started and they had more time to be around one another.

And now, she hoped she wouldn’t be stuck to the sidelines as she made her way to the theatre, hoping to be the first to meet the new cast members.

As she turned a corner, she couldn’t help the grin that formed when she saw a familiar head of golden hair a bit farther ahead on the street. “Oi, Regina!”

She gave her a wave when the girl looked up, and the latter gave the barest hint of a smile before Anne made a dash towards her. “So, how’s our superswing?” Anne’s grin only broadened at the soft chuckle Regina gave- it was clear no one could quite avoid the excitement of opening night, stoic as Regina was (or at least tried to).

“Admittedly, I’m pretty excited.” She replied, only confirming Anne’s suspicions. “Plus, I feel like the six of you will like the new girls. Though, Skye and Ally will bring more chaos into it all.”

“Hey now, Aragon and Jane live with me, right?” She replied with a smirk, earning another soft chuckle from the girl as they turned the last corner- the one that lead them into the street of the theatre.

“I believe they do, yes.” She agreed softly. “And I’ve been dealing with those two for a good decade or so now, I can handle them.”

“How bad are they?”

Regina hesitated at that question, physically stopping just a few feet away from the theatre before turning to face her with a smile and a playful light in her eyes that Anne didn’t think she’d ever seen. “Skye is you and Ally is Kath, only those two are childhood friends and Ally has much less self control than Kath has, so they’re much worse than the pair of you.”

Anne stared at her, mouth slightly agape, before chuckling with her trademark confident smirk. “Well then, guess me and Kitty will have to up our game.”

Regina gave a soft chuckle, shaking her head as she walked the last few steps to the theatre, Anne right behind her as she came inside the foyer.

Neither spent much time there- apart from a quick greeting to the ticket booth worker, they both seemed to agree to head to see the dressing rooms as quick as possible.

As soon as they were in the dressing room hall, Anne could hear soft voices from the farthest away dressing room, voices that sounded vaguely familiar even if she couldn’t pin names to them, coupled with musical theatre tunes muffled by the voices.

Before Anne herself could react, Regina chuckled softly and made a quick dash for it, opening the door. Assorted greetings sounded from it, but Anne was too deep into her own thoughts to properly process them, simply following Regina into the dressing room while registering, from the corner of her eye the names of the four girls engraved on the dressing room’s door.

The first thing that caught her eye was a book, left on the counter right of her. On its cover, Anne spotted a portrait of a familiar girl with fiery red hair and dark eyes much like her own. Before she had a chance to reply, however, a voice spoke up.

“Oh, that’s mine.” Anne looked up to meet sharp violet eyes and a wide grin, and immediately she returned it. “Anne Boleyn, right? Nice to finally meet you- in person, I mean.”

“Right back at you.” Anne returned, sitting on one of the vacant chairs before handing the book to Skye. “I see you’ve done your homework.”

That earned a laugh from the girl. “Eh, I’ve always been a Tudor nerd, to be honest-”

“Can confirm.”

Skye turned back to face who Anne was pretty sure was Ally with an amused, playfully annoyed smirk. “Thank you, Ally.” She replied with emphasis on the girl’s name, before turning back to Anne. “But uh, yeah, have been since I was a kid. Elizabeth is the one they focused more in school- well, apart from Henry, but I was never too interested in him- so that’s where I started and it just kinda grew from there.”

Anne nodded with a soft chuckle. “I see, ‘nd I’m guessing it’s safe to assume you were really excited when you got the job.”

“She called me screaming about it.” Anne looked up at the quiet, soft tone, meeting gentle green eyes and a shy, if amused, grin. “So yes, it is safe to assume so.” Gretchen continued, before falling silent.

Anne nodded, but this time it was Ally who spoke up first. “And uh, just before you ask, I’m first cover Cleves and Parr, Regina is first cover Aragon and Seymour, and Skye is first cover Bo- well, you, and Howard.” She couldn’t help but chuckled softly at the girl’s stumble, before nodding.

“Well then, I can’t wait for a chance to see you all perform.” ________________________________________________________________

That chance, it turned out, would come just that Sunday, their last day of the week and a double show day. Though, not for Anne herself, at least not the first show.

Anne seemed to have gotten herself roped into a last minute interview organized by the show’s producers, and so, instead of the first (and only) debut being Ally’s in the evening show as Cathy, and since Gretchen had to call out due to illness, it seemed Skye would get the honor of first debut as Anne.

And quite frankly, Kath couldn’t wait for it.

Even as she got on stage, with the white lights simply showing their silhouettes backlit to the audience, she couldn’t help but shoot Skye a quick glance, looking up and down at the girl’s turquoise outfit, before fixating for just a moment on her hair, a mix of jet black and the near exact same shade as her costume, before averting her gaze when the first beats of the show sounded.

Kath let her mind run on autopilot during the show, up until just a bit after Catherine’s solo.

“Yeah, you know… the one, you’ve been waiting for!”

The audience sounded softly at that line, as if heating up for the proper cheer, and Kath couldn’t help but all but bounce through the choreography as they prepared for what would usually be Anne’s big reveal, but today would be Skye’s.

“Anne Boleyn!”

The end of the intro to the song was met with laughter from the audience at the sight of Skye sat on the steps, in between Maria and Joan, staring at her hand as if she were holding a phone. She let out a soft, slightly confused giggle along with the audience, waiting until they quieted down before speaking.

“Literally what are th-” She looked up, as if only now noticing the audience, and then seemed to shrink into herself the tiniest bit, although her confident smirk betrayed her actual feelings- she was loving this. “Oh. Sorry!”

At that, she all but jumped onto her feet as the first notes of Don’t Lose Ur Head sounded, and the show was on the road.

As they performed, even after the song was over, Kath couldn’t help but analyze the way Skye acted. It was confident, but not cocky- it was self assured, and grounded, as if she didn’t think she was better than all of them, she knew she was better than all of them. And she would be damned if she didn’t show it.

It seemed to work, as Skye’s delivery of Anne’s one liners had the audience all but roaring all the time, and by the end of the show it seemed as if Skye had conquered the hearts of all audience members.

It was almost scary. But at the same time, fitting. She may have not known Skye for long, but even then she could tell she was good at persuading people. She was impressed, if she was being honest.

It was when leaving the stage that the problems started.

One tiny misstep was all it took, and suddenly Kath had nearly fallen, pain shooting up from her ankle and the only thing keeping her from doing so being the tight grip on her arm.

If it weren’t for the fact that she was in really high spirits and the very light feeling of a costume’s fabric brushing against her arm, she would’ve definitely panicked.

As it was, however, she managed to keep herself together just enough to regain her balance, pressing more on her good foot, turning around as soon as the pressure around her arm was released, coming face to face with Skye, who looked both incredibly concerned and incredibly apologetic.

“I’m sorry I held you so tight, I just wanted to make sure you didn’t fall. Are you alright?”

Kath almost nodded. But then she tried to set more pressure on her hurt foot, and a brand new wave of pain shot up, forming tears in the corners of her eyes.

“Okay, that’s a no.” Skye’s awkward half laugh almost made Kath feel just a tiny bit better. “‘S okay! Probably just a twisted ankle, there’s no reason for it to be anything worse. Can I help you to your dressing room?”

After Kath nodded, she leaned just enough against Skye as the latter wrapped an arm around her shoulders, gently helping her up the stairs and to her dressing room.

Once Kath was sitting on the dressing room’s couch with one foot propped up and Skye sat on the opposite arm rest with a few anti inflammatories (“you underestimate how often I twist my ankle, or get hurt in general,” was her response when Kath had asked her why she just had some on them) in one hand and a glass of water in the other, she took off her show shoe as carefully as she could.

“Yeah, that’s definitely twisted.” Skye stated with a calm certainty as Kath stared warily at her swollen up ankle. She looked up when she got handed the meds and glass, taking them without another word before letting her head rest against the back of the couch.

“It just had to happen on a double show day, huh.” She grumbled, just managing a half-smile that earned her a chuckle from Skye.

“Yeah, it sucks ass. But hey, don’t stress! Better for you to get some rest so you can be back as soon as you can.” Skye reminded softly, and Kath couldn’t help a quiet chuckle when Skye leaned in and tapped the tip of her nose with her finger.

They both looked towards the door when they heard it open, and a very concerned looking Anne peeked in through it, clearly winded from what Kath had to assume was running. “Okay, sorry, I literally came running as soon as I heard what happened.”

At Anne’s slightly panicked tone, Skye gave a soft smile, before standing up. “I’ll give you both some time.” ________________________________________________________________

“She likes you.”

Regina’s voice, calm and serene as always, still managed to surprise Skye as she closed the dressing room’s door behind her. “How so?” She retorted as she took her usual seat next to the older girl, raising an eyebrow.

Regina gave a soft chuckle at that. “Kath doesn’t trust people easily. You can hardly blame her, after everything that happened to her, but still. She trusts you, though- she wouldn’t have let you help her otherwise.”

Skye looked down at the counter while shrugging, feeling her cheeks heat up as she blushed and staying quiet for a minute before looking back up, unusually serious. “Well, yeah, but healing also makes it easier for you to trust people again. You know that as well as I do, ‘Gina.”

Regina’s gaze hardened slightly at that, but still Skye didn’t back down, looking back at her while she waited for an answer. “Maybe so,” she finally settled on, “but even so.”

“I got it. I was just trying to make sure she felt comfortable.”

“She wouldn’t have let you stay if she wasn’t. Either that, or the others would’ve come in way earlier. Jane definitely would have, that woman has a sixth sense.” Neither of them could hold back their snickers at that comment, but even so Regina was the first to regain composure, as always. “So I think it’s safe to say you did just fine.”

Skye nodded at that, before reaching forward to grab her “K” choker. “Regardless, I’ve got bigger things to focus on right now.” She let out a soft sigh, a mix of worry and excitement in her voice. “It’s Howard time, I guess.” ________________________________________________________________

“Divorced.”

The audience’s chatter quieted down as Aragon’s booming voice filled the theatre, save for a few soft cheers or muffled squeals, and Ally could barely stay still as she waited for her turn.

“Beheaded.”

The audience full on cheered as her girlfriend’s voice sounded, clear and confident but still so distinctly young and playful.

But she couldn’t stop to analyse just yet- she had a show to do.

“Survived.”

A similar, or perhaps even louder cheer broke after she’d spoke, and Ally couldn’t help but shoot a quick glance towards Skye, both wearing matching, wide grins, that they both were quick to hide as Aragon moved on with the show, and they both followed the choreography they’d rehearsed to the point of knowing one another’s first covers at least semi decently. Not decently enough to actually play them, but semi decently.

She went through most of Ex-Wives focused on the choreography and words, refusing to let herself mess up on the first song of her fucking West End debut- she knew how harshly swings and alternates were judged, and she wasn’t about to risk it. It was midway through the queens’ individual intros, however, where her body began to move on near auto pilot while she did the choreography.

“Funny how we all discuss that but never Henry’s lil’-”

“Prick up your ears, I’m the Katherine who lost her head!”

Ally could barely hear their “beheaded!” over the audience’s cheer when Skye piped up, and even Skye, who Ally was (unfortunately) very aware of how loud Skye was naturally, had to raise her tone to make herself heard over their screams.

“For my promiscuity, outside of wed! Lock up your husbands, lock up your sons, K Howard is here and the fun’s begun!”

“Survived.”

Ally couldn’t help but feel that familiar mix of anxiety and excitement pool at the bottom of her stomach while she stepped forward, facing the audience- and more specifically the front rows, as she was looking slightly downward- as calmly as she could manage.

“Five down, I’m the final wife. I saw him to the end of his life.” Hand on her waist, she looked up to the rest of the stalls, before moving her gaze up to the circle and its slips as she sung. “I’m the survivor, Catherine Parr.” A nod towards the audience as she raised the fist that was previously on her waist, the women behind her doing the same. “I bet you wanna know how we got this far.”

They went about the show without any problems, but it was after the “I have the plague” joke where she could see the audience (for some members literally) lean forward in their seats.

“Okay, okay, okay!” She spoke up, waiting until the four women had quieted before continuing. “You know what, I think it’s time we heard from our next queen, K Howard!”

The audience absolutely roared as Skye stepped forward, and Ally could barely keep a proud grin off her face as Skye did a tiny curtsy.

Then, she had to physically keep herself from jumping when she saw someone move forward from the corner of her eye, calming when she noticed it was Anne. “Babes, who’s that again?”

Skye’s excited grin fell off her face, and even if Ally knew by the gleam in her eyes that it was all an act, she could barely keep herself from going to comfort her.

Ally felt like she was in a daze as the scenes went on- it was only right before All You Wanna Do when she snapped out of it.

“So yeah! I can’t even begin to imagine how I could compete with you all!” Skye paused, letting the audience laugh, before continuing. “Oh wait, like this!”

And thus the song was on. Skye kept the confident yet childlike act up throughout for the first half of the song, quick smirks and winks towards the audience frequent for the first two verses and choruses. It was after the third chorus ended where things started to change.

“So we got married.” With a nervous chuckle and smile, Skye addressed the audience, rocking back and forward just a tiny bit. “Woo!” Her voice was higher pitched than usual, even as she tried to stay calm (or at least tried to act like she was trying to stay calm).

She went through the fourth verse with a soft voice, so unlike what she’d done before. It was near the end, however, after the final “connection”, that it began to change, turning into a near roar as she put her full emotion into the ending chorus.

“The only thing, the only thing, the ONLY thing you wanna do is-” She tsked, then huffed, almost stumbling as she threw her head back. And then the audience blew up.

After that, Ally wasn’t quite sure what happened. If she was being honest with herself, she went on autopilot for most of the rest of the show. It was only near the end of the final song that she actually snapped out of it, when Skye approached her as they neared the last official line of the show and the two did that same dance move from the very first dance break- take her hand, hold it up, curtsy, switch places. Then, they went into position for the end of the show.

“For, five, four, three, two, one more minute!” Maria’s drums roared, and Ally couldn’t keep a slightly tired grin off her face.

“We’re SIX!”

#six the musical #six the musical fanfics #six #six fanfics #writing #anne boleyn #katherine howard #skye ocs #ally ocs #regina ocs #gretchen ocs #if this flops i will cry

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nastybuckybarnes · 5 years

Text

Distrust - Nine

Pairing: Past!Steve Rogers X Reader, Bucky Barnes X Reader

Summary: After Bucky gets ‘taken’ on a mission gone wrong, Steve blames you for it, casting you out. HYDRA takes advantage of your vulnerable state and is quick to capture you, the team knowing nothing of anything that’s happened.

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Language, Minor Triggering things???

Word Count: 2.6K

A/n: Hey guys. This can be the ending if you want, but I plan on posting a part 10/epilogue thing and I’m excited for it. Anyway, enjoy this!!

Edited Poorly Cause I’m Excited Lol Series Masterlist Masterlist

~*~

“She’s made amazing progress so far. I’m very proud of her and I think, if she continues this good work, she could very well be discharged by the end of the month,” June says to Tony, Nat, and Bucky.

“However I think it’s in her best interests to have her own apartment or house or something of the sort. Being... away from the Avengers and the constant reminder of who she was... that was extremely damaging to her mental health. I would like to keep in contact with you all over the next month as we try to figure out a place for (Y/n) to live. I’d also like to set her up with her own job. One with a very flexible schedule. If you have any ideas or anything don’t hesitate to contact me or any of the nurses here. We all want (Y/n) leaving here with her head held high, a good life set ahead of her.”

“I'm sure we could find her a house easily. It’s just, making sure she likes it would be the problem,” Nat says softly. “We could take her house hunting,” Bucky suggests, looking at the other two people.

“That could work. She was talking about having brunch with you all anyway. Perhaps that’s something you could discuss with her over the meal? She’s excited to start her own life away from the clinic, but she’ll need support. Mister Barnes, you’ve been... a pillar in her recovery. And without you, she wouldn’t have come so far so fast. I don’t want you to just go back to how things were. I do not know how (Y/n) would react to that and I don’t want to risk any relapses.” Bucky nods, understanding what the nurse is implying.

“Perfect! We hope to have(Y/n) discharged by the end of the month. But definitely before the tenth of next month.” Nat and Tony smile relieved smiles at each other, and Bucky grins to himself, happy that you’re getting better.

~*~

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” June asks from the driver's seat of the Honda Civic. You look over at her then nod, taking a few deep breaths. “I need to do this. It’s one of the last steps I need to take to embrace everything, ya’know?” She smiles proudly at you as you climb out of the vehicle. You straighten your dress, square your shoulders, then walk into the restaurant.

It’s not completely empty, which is a surprise in itself. Tony enjoys dining alone.

You're grateful for the other patrons of the restaurant, knowing you’d have a harder time doing things if there was nothing but silence in the restaurant.

You make your way over to the greeter, only to be intercepted by a tall man.

“(Y/n)!” Bucky takes your hand and squeezes it gently. You smile up at him and pull him into a tight hug, letting yourself relax for a moment in his embrace.

“Are you sure you want to do this? You still have time to back out,” He whispers into your hair. You pull away and look up into his icy blue eyes. “I need to do this. This is something that’ll help me more than it’ll hurt me.” He nods, taking your hand again and leading you to a booth tucked away in the back of there restaurant.

Sitting at the booth, each with a glass of water in front of them, is Nat, Tony, and Wanda.

You smile shyly at them as they all look up, relieved smiles on their faces. You slide into the booth across from them and Bucky slides in next to you, his hand continuing to hold yours.

“(Y/n). You look so good,” Nat whispers, her eyes moving over your face.

“Thank you. I... I feel good. I feel really good, actually.” Tony smiles at you and takes a deep breath.

“So you’re gonna be let out of there soon, huh?” You nod excitedly and start talking about your mental health and all the progress you’ve made.

“That’s wonderful, (Y/n). We’re all so happy that you’re getting so much better!” Wanda exclaims after you’ve finished speaking.

A waiter sets food you don’t remember ordering down on the table. Bucky nudges you and winks, letting you know that he ordered you your favourite.

“I’m happy too. I’m excited to start... living again. To have my own place and a job and a life. It’s scary and I know it’s gonna be really hard and I’ll have really bad days that’ll break me, but... it’s worth it. I know that no matter how hard it gets, I’ll have people to turn to, and that’s all that really matters anyway.”

It’s quiet for a few minutes as they think about what you’ve said while you all eat.

“I was thinking... maybe I could take you house-hunting? I mean, when you’re ready. I know that seeing us might set you back a bit in your recovery, but when you’re ready to see us again, I’d like to do that with you. Help you find a place to call home.”

You smile at Tony’s offer and nod, “I’d like that, Tony. A lot. I’ve really missed you guys. And... it’s been hard, knowing that seeing you was setting me back. It’s been hard dealing with how much pain I’ve unintentionally caused. June says I shouldn’t worry about you guys because you’re all worried about me, but I can’t help it.”

Bucky wraps his arm around your shoulders and squeezes gently, comforting you. You open your mouth, choosing your words carefully then giving up and deciding to just go with your gut.

“June says I shouldn’t push myself too far, but I need to know... how is he?” The four other people at the table stiffen at the mention of Steve.

“He’s... I don’t even know, honestly. For the first month, he was a wreck. He tried to do a bunch of reckless things but the serum prevented most of it from working. After that he buried himself in his work, spending every waking moment doing something. He was distant for a while, but now he’s getting better. He’s been talking to a therapist I think... trying to better himself. He’s been talking abbot how to make things better... how to make you feel better, but so far he’s come up with nothing.” You nod slowly at the new information, your heart hurting a bit as you realize how awful he must’ve felt.

“I don’t want you worrying about Steve, okay?” Bucky asks softly, looking into your eyes with a determination unlike any you’ve seen.

“I’ll try not to, but it’s hard. He used to be such a big part of my life. I think facing him is going to be the final step in my recovery. I think I need that kind of closure,” you whisper.

The others are quiet as they think about this. They know it’s your decision, but they can’t help but feel nervous about it for you. Seeing all the progress you’ve made away from all of them, away from him, it’s not something they want to be wasted.

“If you think you’re ready, we’ll support you. Whenever you want to talk to him, you tell me and I’ll set it up. Whether that be in the clinic, in a therapists office, in a restaurant, or in a park. I’ll be there if you want me to be,” Bucky says softly. The others nod their agreement and you can’t help the tears that fill your eyes.

“Thank you guys, so much for everything you've done to help me. I don’t know what I did to deserve you guys but I’m so grateful for you.”

“Do you have any idea when you’d want to see him? Just so I can make sure I’m free.” You shrug, swinging your arm between the two of you as you walk hand-in-hand down the sidewalk.

“I don’t know. Soon, maybe. Maybe not. I feel... kinda drained after all that with Tony and them. I need to recharge or something.” He nods, understanding what that feels like.

“I think, you should wait at least a week. Really gather your thoughts and prepare yourself. Then, once you know you’re ready to talk to him and know what you want to say, you can go for it and be... actually prepared and ready for it all. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be emotionally taxing and might send you in a downward spiral. But I want you to know that I’m going to be here for you... with you, every step of the way.” He stops walking at the entrance to a little park, looking at you with a certain uncertainty in his eyes.

“Thank you, Bucky. Without you... I wouldn’t even be alive right now. I’m so fucking grateful for you and everything you’ve done for me. I don’t know how I’ll repay you, but I know I’ll work my ass off trying.”

He brings one hand up and carefully cups your cheek, shaking his head slowly. “You don’t need to repay me for anything. I’d do what I did a thousand times over again if it means that I get to stand here with you right now. You mean a lot to me, (Y/n), and I just don’t... I don’t want you to ever think no one loves you or no one cares because I do. I always have and I always will.” You put your hand over his and look between his eyes and his lips, your heart hammering in your chest.

“I... Bucky... I...” He smiles and looks at you with nothing but soft adoration in his eyes. “You don’t need to say anything. I just want you to know that I’ll be here. You helped me when I needed help. You saved me when I needed to be saved. I'm returning the favour because I love you, (Y/n). God, I love you.”

You don’t fight anything in your body. You let your mind go blank and push up onto your toes to connect your lips to his in a soft and gentle kiss. A kiss filled with unspoken words on your part and acceptance on his. It’s hesitant and slow and everything you never knew you needed until right exactly now.

His lips are warm as they move against yours, and you can’t help but brush your tongue out against them.

He pulls back after a moment more and chuckles softly, his forehead resting against yours.

“I’ll always be with you, (Y/n). You mean the world to me and we’re gonna get through this together. I promise.”

You slot your lips against his once more, this time feeling more secure in what you’re doing as you take control of your life and your heart.

He gently grips your waist as you thread your fingers through his hair, wanting nothing more than to do this for the rest of your life.

Steve’s been pacing for the past half hour, a million thoughts running through his mind as he waits for you in front of the large beautiful pond in Central Park.

It’s a calming place, he understands why you chose it. What he doesn’t understand, is why you chose to speak to him.

Before he can overthink anymore, he hears someone clear their throat.

He spins faster than he thinks possible, a little lightheaded for a moment as his eyes focus, and then he’s filled with more emotions than he thought possible for a human to feel at one time.

You’re standing there. Looking beautiful and healthy as ever.

You’re watching him with guarded eyes, but you don’t look broken. Not anymore, and for that, he’s more than grateful.

“Hello, Steve.” He almost crumbles as he hears your voice.

“(Y/n). Hi,” he breathes, stepping closer to you. You take a step back and look over your shoulder.

Bucky steps forwards, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Please, have a seat,” you say while motioning to the bench right behind him. He nods eagerly and sits down. You slowly over yourself beside him, taking some deep breaths as you chose your words.

“Tony says you haven’t been doing very well lately,” you begin, eyes finding his. He swallows hard then shrugs. “I... I just want to help you. But I don’t know how. I know staying away is probably the best thing but there must be more I can do.”

You look down at your hands.

“I’m being discharged in three weeks. Tony and Bucky helped me find a place and Nat and Wanda are helping me decorate and furnish it. Tony’s got me a job lined up and Sam’s and Clint have been helping me go furniture shopping. I’m recovering. I never, ever thought I’d get my life back after everything that happened. I’m so glad that I have, though. But... my life can’t include you in any way at all anymore Steve.”

His head snaps in your direction so fast you swear he cracks something.

“W-what?”

You sigh and look down at your hands. “Being around you... being near you after what you did... that was one of the main reasons why I wasn’t getting better at the tower. But away from the constant reminders of what happened there, away from everything that brings me back to my days with HYDRA... I got better. But I needed closure. It’s wrong to cut you out with no explanation so here it is.”

He’s quiet for a few moments before he sniffles and nods. “I understand, (Y/n). I hope you continue getting better. If you ever need anything and you have absolutely no one else, I’ll always, always be here. You were... are maybe the love of my life.” You take a deep breath and look over at him.

“You were my first love. The father of my first daughter. And the reason why I need to leave.” The mention of his daughter brings a sob bubbling out of his chest.

“I’ll never forget you, (Y/n). I still love you and I fucking wish I never sent you away. I wish… fuck, I wish for too much. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. For all the loses you've experienced and all the pain. I’m sorry. I hope I’m thoroughly punished for everything I’ve done. I deserve it.”

You shake your head and pick at the skin surrounding your fingernails.

“No. You don’t deserve a punishment. Although it is your fault,” he coughs a sob, “you didn’t directly inflict the majority of the physical pain I endured. So for that, you don’t need to worry.”

He shakes his head and sighs. “But I will. Every moment of every day for the rest of my stupidly long life I’ll worry about you. About what you’re doing, how you're doing. Because you occupy my every single thought. Because I love you still. And I know you don’t love me anymore and I know how awful I’ve been.”

You take a few deep breaths then stand up.

“Thank you, for all the good experiences you gave me. All the sweet memories. Thank you so very much. You were my first love and I know that I won’t forget you. I only hope overtime I remember you as the man I knew before.”

With that, you turn and start walking away, leaving Steve crying softly on the bench as Bucky follows after you.

A weight gets lifted off of your shoulders as Bucky interlocks your fingers again.

This is it.

This is what closure feels like.

It does hurt, a lot more than you thought it would, but now you’re free to start actually living your own life.

Without the weight of your past.

Without any of that baggage.

You’re free.

TAGS:

PERMANENT TAGS:

@smolbeanbucky @wildefire @inumorph @impalatobakerstreet @nanna022 @mummy-woves-you @m-a-t-91 @wtfholland @bookgirlunicorn @beautifulwisdom2001 @deep-sea-glitter @mrhiddles-81 @iamwarrenspeace @bitchacho25 @escapetheshackles @i-know-i-can @buckyssoul @avnngrs @swoonhui @destiel-artemis

MARVEL:

@fallenangelfangirl @look-to-the-stars-and-wish @maladaptive-ninja-returns @cliffordasparagus @april-14-blog @potteritis @momc95 @shakzer00

DISTRUST:

@sthorkronstrangy @baebeepeach @phoenix-whiskey-tears @canumoveurseatup-no @marvel13princess @aplolomq @crist1216 @its-ray-bae @littledeadrottinghood @justendlesssummerfeels @whitewolfsnow @multireality @a--1--1--3 @some-random-stranger-007 @avengemepercy @20gayneen @clockworkherondale

Steve Rogers:

@an-anonymoususer

Bucky tags:

@chuuulip @nerd-without-a-cause @natashasnight @dragonrosegardens

#Steve x reader #distrust #bucky x reader #finally #bucky x sad reader #bucky x happy reader #bucky x black reader #bucky barnes x reader #Steve rogers x reader angst #angst series #flangst #fluffy stuff

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teaveetamer · 4 years

Text

My Issues With TFioS (and Other Elements of John Green)

Alright I’m just going to preface this with two things.

It’s been about six years since I’ve read the entire thing through, so my points are probably not going to be as detailed or precise as they were when I first read it.

If you enjoyed the book, identify with the fanbase, or like John Green in any capacity... Great! You might want to skip this one. This is definitely not the post for you. I’m going to put all of my more controversial thoughts under the cut so if you don’t want to see them you can just move on.

I brought up the book in that other post because I felt it had relevance to the discussion of “authors using characters as a mouthpiece”, but that’s only a small part of my issue with the book itself. I suppose I could have used a fanfiction example, since there’s more than enough fodder there, but I brought up The Fault in our Stars specifically because I feel comfortable criticizing a book in a way that I don’t feel comfortable criticizing fan works. John Green is a public figure that produced a paid product, made money, and does this professionally, while most fanfic authors are amateurs that provide free entertainment and just do it for fun.

Now with that said, we move on to the meat of the post.

Some Background

Perhaps this is not a little known fact, but I absolutely adore love stories. I don’t have incredibly high standards for them by any means, and in fact I actively enjoy them even when they aren’t the deepest, most thought provoking pieces. Someone got me a copy of Red, White, and Royal Blue for my birthday this year and I read the entire thing cover to cover in a day (and I seriously recommend if you’re looking for a pretty easy read with a lot of gay).

The only thing I love more than love stories? Tragic love stories, of course. If anyone has followed my fanfiction or main blog for any amount of time then you know that I love a little bit of tragedy. Usually with a happy ending, but not always. So when one of my friends shoved (and I mean literally shoved) The Fault in Our Stars into my hands and billed it as a “tragic but heartwarming love story” I thought it would be perfect for me.

I was sixteen at the time, the target age demographic, and I was always looking for books with smart, well written teen characters. At this point in my life I’d never heard of John Green or his fanbase before. I tell you this because I disliked the book as I read it, but I think John Green and his fanbase are a major factor in why I disliked it so much I’m willing to sit down and write a blog post about it six years later. Granted, that’s not all on the book, but it is a factor.

Needless to say, I was not all that impressed by it. At some points I was downright infuriated, really.

My Issues With the Book

In summary, it feels very meh and overly pretentious. After about two chapters I just wanted to put it down, and the only reason I pushed through is because my friend insisted that it got better. She said it was funny, relatable, and intelligent, but I found it to be none of these things.

The impression I got was that the author, whoever he was, fancied himself terribly clever and he wanted everyone to know it. You know the type, the kinds of people that go around and assure everyone of how smart they are? It feels like it was made for haughty teens to brag about how intelligent they were because they read a “deep” book. The book itself, despite being a surface level of “witty”, didn’t really have anything to say. In the end it reads like a thirty-something year old man bragging about how smart he is and waxing philosophical about the nature of life (and... Breakfast food..?) and using a fictional teenage girl to do it.

That’s why I brought up the “mouthpiece” thing. I didn’t want to read a book about a thirty-something dressing up his thoughts as a teenage girl. I wanted to read a book about a teenage girl.

Speaking of Hazel Grace… I don’t know if this is a common experience, but can anyone else tell when a man writes a female character? I find that I usually can. Men have a particular voice when they write, and especially when they write women. Every single page hammered me over the head with the fact that this was a man who was trying (and, in my opinion, failing miserably) to write a relatable teenage girl. And, in my opinion, he parroted a lot of very upsetting, dangerous mentalities for young women.

There were quite a few “I’m not like other girls, and not just because of the cancer!” moments (a mentality that I find wholly problematic coming from other women, let alone a man writing for a woman) that just had me rolling my eyes straight out of their sockets. She doesn’t care about shoes, see! She reads books! Isn’t that awesome and unique? Because, apparently, women are not allowed to do both.

These problematic mentalities extend into the book’s romance plot, too. Augustus is, frankly, one of the creepiest motherfuckers I’ve ever had the displeasure to read about. Not only is his aggressive creepiness portrayed as romantic, but Hazel reacts exactly how men wish women would react to their advances. Unfortunately I don’t have a copy of the book in front of me so you won’t get much in the way of direct quotes, but some examples include:

He stares at her, completely unblinking, for the duration of their cancer kids support group meeting… before they’ve even so much as spoken a word to each other. Which also features this gem of a quote: "A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well." which just perpetuates the disgusting misconception that women are okay with being creeped on as long as a guy is attractive. Spoiler alert: We fucking aren’t.

He repeatedly refers to Hazel as “Hazel Grace”, despite her introducing herself as “Hazel” and asking him to just call her “Hazel”. And not only does he ask for her full name, he demands she give it to him. This rings all kinds of alarm bells for me, because you know who else does that kind of shit? Christian Grey. And it’s manipulative, disrespectful, and downright rude. It is essentially saying “I hear your desires, but I would prefer to address you how I want to address you, not how you would like to be addressed, because my ego is more important than your comfort”.

Hazel is perfectly fine with getting into a complete stranger’s car and spending time at his house mere minutes after meeting with him and after all of the questionable shit he just pulled.

Continuing this book’s litany of problems with women, let’s talk about Isaac’s (ex)girlfriend. The book treats their breakup as this massive betrayal, then even goes on to justify vandalizing her property because of it.

I’m sorry, but no.

You, as an autonomous human being, have the right to end a relationship with someone else whenever, wherever, and for whatever reasons you designate, regardless of previously expressed emotions or promises. How and when she did it was not the most ideal, but she’s an emotionally immature teenager, and there’s never going to be a good time to do something like this. What was she supposed to do, keep pity dating him because she felt sorry for him? Wait until someone invented technology to cure blindness? Assuming she did actually break up with him because of his disability… Are her reasons shitty? Sure. But she’s allowed to have them.

And you know what? He’s allowed to be mad about it. His anger might be completely understandable, if not totally justified. But you know what else? That does not give him the right to take revenge on her by vandalizing her property.

I would have no problem with this scene if it were honest about what it was: a bunch of teenagers with under-developed frontal lobes that are angry and feeling vindictive. But it’s not that. It’s depicted as not only completely justified, but heroic. I’m sorry, no. You are never heroic for harassing another human being.

And Augustus’s dumb little speech to her mom is such garbage. You really expect me to believe that a grown woman was so pwned by some jerk teenager’s super witty justification for destroying her property that she just went inside and, idk, watched TV? Didn’t call the police to report the crime that he and his friends were actively committing against her? Bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit, that scene is pretty egregious, but that doesn’t even begin to cover my issues with this book’s pretentious dialogue. If you told me that they ran every word in this book through Thesaurus.com then I would believe you without hesitation. The one hook, the draw, the thing that kept me reading was supposed to be the relatable characters, but they just aren’t relatable. They’re not realistic in the slightest. Seriously, go read any line of this book out loud and tell me how ridiculous you feel. I kept expecting Augustus to pull off his skinsuit and reveal that he was secretly a robot trying to imitate human speech the entire time.

I’m not sure how far I can go into this point without giving you direct quotes, but half the stuff that comes out of these characters mouths is pseudo-intellectual nonsense. “Put the killing thing between your teeth so it can’t kill you”?

It’s not a metaphor.

Putting an unlit cigarette in your mouth is still stupid. I guess it won’t give you lung cancer, but really? It’s still not a great idea.

Augustus has to go buy these cigarettes, which means he’s actively going out and giving money to an industry that has been funding pseudoscience and suppressing health initiatives that would prevent people from suffering what he did (i.e. fucking cancer).

Here’s a clue: Tobacco companies don’t actually care about what you do with the cigarettes. Their transaction stops as soon as you put the money in their hands. I could purchase a hundred packs and throw them in the garbage, and the only thing they know is that they got about $600 from me. Way to “stick it to the man”, asshole. You’re not clever.

With the exception of the Isaac’s-girlfriend thing, all of that is in chapters 1-4, by the way. This book turned me off so thoroughly that early.

So by the time the Amsterdam trip rolled around I was already not enjoying this book, but then this thing happened and it was just the final nail in the coffin for me. You probably know what I’m talking about already, but if you don’t… The Anne Frank Museum kiss.

I honestly cannot even articulate how incredibly tasteless and disrespectful I find the entire thing, and not only does that happen, but it’s followed by an r/ThatHappened “and then everybody stood up and clapped!” Seriously?

There are smarter, more well-versed people than me that have covered this topic, so I’ll leave the analysis for why that’s all kinds of wrong to them.

Those are really my big gripes, though there’s a few smaller ones (like Augustus throwing a pre-funeral like are you a psychopath? Why would you put the people you love through that???) that I’m not going to touch on because they weren’t all that instrumental in putting me off. Instead I’ll move on to the external factors.

The Fanbase

So I finished the book, a little miffed at having just wasted my time, and immediately told my friend that I didn’t like it much, and that I would be returning her copy the next day. Feeling pretty meh-to-slightly-negative about it, but whatever, it happens.

I was essentially met with “wow I can’t believe you didn’t get it.” and “Oh well maybe you’ll finally understand how deep it is when you’re older” from my friend. Which is really just one step away from the wow can’t you read?! BS that I’ve been seeing more and more frequently these days. So immediately I was pissed. All that aside, I was sixteen, the target age demographic? If I didn’t ‘get it’ then John Green was doing a pretty piss poor job of conveying what it is.

So I went online seeking something. Either validation that I wasn’t wrong and that I didn’t miss the point, the book just wasn’t great, or an explanation of what this it was that I’d missed. And let me tell you... Spotting a negative opinion of this book was like looking for a unicorn. There were a few, and many of them were met with the same kind of thing I had experienced. Vitriol, insistence that they were stupid or that they didn’t get it (again, with no explanation of what it was), and, apparently, a lot of harassment and threats.

I discovered that John Green’s target audience had a tendency to be… A bit obsessive. Lots of young, impressionable teenagers that were willing to jump on an opposing opinion with zealous outrage. If I had any interest in pursuing any of John Green’s other works or John Green as an internet personality any further, then it died in that moment. Absolutely nothing turns me off like a rabid, spiteful fanbase.

Now by this point I was already in the rabbit hole, and I began encountering a lot of criticisms of John Green and the things he’s said and done in the past. I did not like what I found.

John Green Himself

To be extremely blunt, the guy put such a bad taste in my mouth that it retroactively soured my opinion of The Fault in Our Stars even more. Since this is a post about my opinions on the book, I’m only going to be discussing things that affected my view at the time I read it. These are all things that happened six years ago, and I have no idea what this man has been up to or what he’s said about any of these topics since.

Let’s just get this out of the way… John Green writes the same book over and over. There’s always a quirky, nerdy white boy that is invariably cisgendered, and almost always straight. He is always an outcast with only a few friends, though apparently never directly bullied. He always meets an edgy girl that he falls in love with the idea of. Usually there is a road trip somewhere in there too.

The Fault in our Stars admittedly doesn’t follow the exact same framework, but it’s close enough in a lot of ways. Instead of the Quirky, Too-Smart-For-His-Own-Good cisboi being the PoV character, it’s the love interest (Hazel also fits this description, albeit a female version). Hazel and Augustus are both still outcasts. Hazel is attracted to Augustus because he’s Deep and Edgy and A Little Larger Than Life. The road trip is a flight to Amsterdam.

Looking at the man... Yeah the entire premise starts to come off as some weird self-insert fanfiction. I can feel the “I was a quirky, bullied teen and I wish this is how my high school life had been!” energy coming through absolutely every pore and every molecule of ink. Every character reads like John Green. John Green has written book after book and the main character always appears to be John Green in a slightly different teenage skinsuit.

And that’s fine, I guess. A little lazy, but I guess it’s working for him since he’s making hella bank? It’s certainly not enough to put me off the guy, just not something I’m interested in reading, and not something I find compelling.

What put me off for good were some of his comments. Dude skeeves me the fuck out. I’ll just go over some of the highlights I found at the time, and why they upset me so much when I heard them.

“Nerd girls are the world's most underutilized romantic resource.”

As a nerdy girl that has been stalked and harassed by men because I’m “good girlfriend material” (aka I like video games and traditionally masculine stuff and I’m pretty! I must be a unicorn!), this statement is disgusting.

I don’t care if it was a joke. I don’t care if he wasn’t being serious. This is the kind of shit that men think is a compliment because they think it makes “quirky” girls feel “unique” and “special”, but that “complement” is also an insult. You know why? Because it makes female interests all about how men perceive their sexual or romantic viability.

John Green’s penchant for writing “special” and “unique” girls (while simultaneously shaming “typical” girls, but I’ll get to that in the next point) and depicting them as the ideal woman just reaffirms my feelings about this quote. I think, on some level, John Green has no idea why this is such a bad take. And that’s not even getting into the fact that he called human beings resources. Women are not objects that exist to be a plot device or for your gratification. Fuck right off with that shit.

“She was incredibly hot, in that popular-girl-with-bleached-teeth-and-anorexia kind of way, which was Colin’s least favourite way of being hot”

This is just one quote of many that shames people with eating disorders and weight problems (on both ends of the spectrum, “too fat” and “too skinny”. Another fun one being: “there’s the weird culturally-constructed definition of hot, which means ‘that individual is malnourished, and has probably had plastic bags inserted into her breasts.’")

Know what this line is? It’s called “negging”, and it’s a popular tactic of incels because it works. You make someone seek your approval by intentionally giving them backhanded compliments to undermine their self esteem. The idea is that the more you insult them, the harder they’ll work to try and impress you. It doesn’t work on everyone, but you know who it does tend to work on? Insecure younger people (usually girls). You know who John Green’s target audience is? Insecure teenage girls.

As for the actual substance of the quote… I hate it. He’s shaming a woman for the choices she makes over her appearance. Which are, fun fact, none of his damn business. Also the idea that “skinny” and “anorexic” somehow need to go hand in hand is just wrong, insulting women for a mental health disorder they have no control over is offensive, and using a serious mental health disorder (did you know that anorexia is the most deadly mental health condition?) as an insult is disgusting.

Coming back to my earlier point about shaming “normal” girls, this quote is just the tip of the iceberg. He repeatedly shames women in his books for looking or behaving “typically”, while quirky girls are lauded as the ideal. Quirky girls are “weird and interesting” and normal girls are “boring”. If this was intended as a compliment, it’s a shitty one. If you have to shame one group to make another feel better, it is not a compliment. You are lowering all women when you pull that shit. You teach them that in order to feel good about themselves another group has to be made to feel worse.

And hey, maybe the pretty girl likes her teeth bleached because it makes her feel confident? Why can’t bleached teeth girl and anime t-shirt girl both be beautiful and unique and confident in their own right? Why is it “powerful” for anime t-shirt girl to wear her nerdy clothes, but scorn-worthy for bleached teeth girl to like bleaching her teeth?

What John Green is doing is simply replacing one ideal (skinny pretty girl) with another (quirky cute girl), and then he pretends like his version is somehow “woke” because it’s not based on physical appearance (though all of the women in his books are also physically attractive. Hmmm. Guess “nerd girls” are only “viable resources” when they aren’t hard to look at?).

And trust me, I’ve been down this path. I’ve been taken in by guys who try to make me feel ~special~ by putting down other women, and it leads to absolutely nothing good. It doesn’t make you feel better. It just makes you feel angry and resentful, and that’s not a place you want to be in. In fact, this was a mentality I had recently escaped from around the time I picked up this book. Seeing someone with as much influence as John Green parroting this specific brand of toxic shit to exactly the audience that would be most likely to feed into it? I was never going to be able to like the guy, sorry.

I know some people are able to “separate the art from the artist”, and I might have been willing to do that had the book actually been good… but it wasn’t. So in the end the book just looked worse for all of the author’s shortcomings.

So yeah, in summary: The book was mediocre at best, the author pushed all of my angry feminist buttons, and elements of the fanbase were annoying, condescending, and spiteful. I didn’t like the book in the first place due to the myriad of problems plaguing it, but everything else just made it look so much worse in hindsight.

Anyways, this probably got kind of ranty, but it was cathartic and I did make this blog to vent about dumb stuff. I think this qualifies.

#Personal stuff #TFioS Opinion Piece #Sorry it took so long #I had a lot to say #A little ranty

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sebthesnipe · 4 years

Text

The Dreamer by Whatwashernameagin an Analysis? Part 3

All portions:

Chapter 1: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

Chapter 2: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

The Dreamer

@whatwashernameagain

Let’s jump right in, shall we?

Reminder: Spoilers under cut!

If we pick up where we left off, Logan talks about The Dreamer’s/Roman’s vision of the future ‘where everyone could live in love and harmony, and humanity would grow into its glowing, gallant potential, coexisting in friendship with nature and respecting the planet while creating a world fir for fairy tails’. “Why would no one see that [The Dreamer] was clearly delusional” (Whatwashernameagain)? Can anyone say… Foreshadowing?

I know I haven’t made it to chapter 2 yet but I need to bring this up so… If you haven’t read Chapter 2 yet then skip this bit.

*****CHAPTER 2 SPOILERS****

Once again, Roman’s character portrait is gaining more depth with this paragraph. In Chapter 2 we learn that Roman really does see the future this way. The knowledge has a sense of innocence that Logan obviously finds annoying but adds yet another endearing quality to the hero. I won’t go into too much detail about Chapter 2 but the foreshadowing here is quite lovely and shouldn’t be ignored. Logan calls Roman delusional for his vision and he truly is. With everything that we learn in Chapter 2 we see just how delusional the hero really is. But its not only for the future… his delusions go far deeper, involving his family, his duty, his team… I’ll stop there. You’ll just have to read my analysis of Chapter 2 when I eventually get there.

Now back to our regular scheduled programming…

*****END OF CHAPTER 2 SPOILERS*****

Okay… so this next para…. Oh man… So many thoughts…. “Despite his illogical argumentation, [The Dreamer] had somehow kept him from some of the more drastic measures [Logan’s] supercomputer suggested would be necessity for the continued well-being of all – much to the computer’s ire” (Whatwashernameagain). So, I really want to use two types of literary theories here… one being reader-response and the other bordering psychoanalysis. In other words, more Freud stuff. Don’t worry I’m not going to go into too much detail this time.

When I read this para all I can picture is the left and right side of the brain, which is really what Roman and Logan are aren’t they? I’ve briefly touched on the fact that Logan and Roman are polar opposites complimenting themselves before but… this para makes me consider it in a different way. Roman is acting almost like a conscious here; providing a line to draw when Logan starts to get out of control. Roman is the reigns that are yanked when Logan goes too fast. He keeps the Logical side in check. Fitting. Poetic. Perfect. Love it, Eva.

And… This super computer has so much Sass… Must be Remy. XP

With the introduction of Remy we get another burst of the light hearted humor that comes with his personality. Eva balances the character well, in my opinion. Remy is supposed to be a supercomputer with some sass but writing a character that is a computer can be difficult. I really would like to spend some time discussing Remy but I am afraid that I can’t go into to much detail. Remy in this scene is more of a support character, and there isn’t much to go on at the moment… Of course, knowing Eva, this will change in the future. I am sure he has plenty to say about Remy as the story progresses. As it stands Remy makes for a good comic relief and fantastic transitional device, pulling the reader from Logan’s thoughts back into the present to help the story move on.

**I’m going to pause here for a moment. While analyzing the entrance of Remy I grew curious about a few things and decided to ask her. I am going back to edit this in because while writing this portion of the analysis I felt as if I was missing something. Why did she choose Remy specifically to be the supercomputer and how does it play into any of this? I knew there had to be a reason, but I hadn’t managed to figure it out. So, I asked. Here was her response:

“So I absolutely thought about why I wanted Remy as the computer. Computers are associated with cool predictability and lacking emotional competence and stiff, predictable speech patterns. Everything Logan already is. Especially this computer, who has to calculate the highest odds- the value of human life - has to make extremely cold and emotionless decisions. He would have escalated Logan’s crusade dramatically had he behaved exactly like Logic at its worst and purest moments. And their conversations would have read like Logan talking to his Mini me. He had to break up that stereotype because we already have a human trying to operate like a computer. If the calculation of our actions through utilitarian predictions are possible (which I believe they are) the reverse - the creation of unique and emotionally capable A.I.s needs to be taken into account soon. Though Remy is not part of the deliberation yet, his ability for human emotion demands he be included. He makes that demand by being essentially the most human of all of them and I will go into (too much) Detail when it’s time for his arc.”

When she told me this I was floored! I knew that she put more deliberation into her writing than most, but I had never really expected this. That sounds as if I underestimated her but that isn’t the case. I knew she had considered it or I wouldn’t have asked but… Well this is just so beautiful… I suppose there is a reason she is such a fantastic writer… And this people, is one of them. Absolutely stunning, Eva. **

We jump back into Logan’s thoughts within the next paragraph. Remy accused the man of not ‘giving an f’ about what he says. He states that he attempts to follow Remy’s advice without prejudice. “However, whenever he endeavored to put those plans into action or even considered it, something made him hesitate. It was like a bug, hindering his rational thought process. A pesky pop-up window halting his deliberations and muddling his convictions with banal platitudes and illogical rambling” (Whatwashernameagain). I LOVE this paragraph!

So, the imagery here is fantastic. Eva uses a wonderful simile that really catches Logan’s personality. But I’ll have to get into that in a moment. I want to touch on something else first. We know that Logan is driven by Logic; he is Thomas’ logical side after all. That being said, it has been discussed within her Keep Him Safe fandom that Logan is/maybe autistic. I think that it is very fitting for Logan to be autistic (though this may be due to the fact that I am autistic as well). The thing is… and I really wish I had the source for this, but I don’t know what I’ve done with it and can’t for the life of me find it again. I am sorry. Anyways, if we look at this logically Logan is thirty years old (thought Eva may change that but the Logan in Sanders Sides is thirty because Thomas is thirty so I’m going with it); Which means that he grew up in 1990s. There wasn’t a lot of treatment for mild cases of autism in the nineties. In fact, it wasn’t until 2013 Autism Spectrum disorders were classified in DSM-V (History of Autism Treatment). Even if children were diagnosed before then, most cases in the 1980s and some in the 1990 used ECT, which involves passing small electric currents through the brain to intentionally trigger a brief seizure (History of Autism Treatment). These seizures are supposed to be hypothesized to change the brain chemistry in a way to reduce mental health symptoms (History of Autism Treatment). ECT is still used in some cases of autism today, though it is rare (History of Autism Treatment). Why is this important? Well, I am 27 years old. I grew up in the same era of Logan. I am also autistic so believe me when I say that /if/ someone tried to get Logan treated as a child he would have been subject to countless medications, off the wall treatment plans and subject to so many misdiagnoses that eventually he would have simply folded in on himself as we’ve seen him do throughout this work. On top of that, when he eventually came off of the treatments, he would had molded himself to avoid them at all costs becoming cold and driven by logic, blocking away as much of the emotional side of himself as he could and thus becoming the Logan we know today. This defense mechanism would obvious move into his adult years. I don’t know if this is Logan’s history in this work, this is merely speculation, but I am quite fond of the idea and historically speaking it is entirely possible.

**Author confirmed Logan is autistic**

I explain all this because if a person tries to block out emotions that are core to the very existence of a human being than what happens? Well, the example Eva gives, that’s what; “He attempted to follow the disgruntled computer’s advices without prejudice. However, whenever he endeavored to put those plans into action or even considered it, something made him hesitate” (Whatwashernameagain). Logan obviously tries to be as cold and calculating as his computer but despite his efforts, the fact remains… He is /not/ a computer; and he never will be. No matter how logical you try to be… no matter how much you block out your emotions, they will turn up here and there and there is NOTHING you can do to stop them. It is part of the human condition. Which brings me back to the simile I mentioned.

“It was like a bug, hindering his rational thought process. A pesky pop-up window halting his deliberations and muddling his convictions with banal platitudes and illogical rambling” (Whatwashernameagain).

This simile reinforces my hypothesis, but I still can’t say that it is true. Regardless it does show the struggle between Logan’s desire to be cold and calculating and his humanity; even basically describing himself as a computer (I’m pretty sure Remy would have a few things to say about that if he knew). He describes his humanity as a bug, or a virus, a pop-up messing with his head. Or… Could it be that it’s not his humanity that’s bothering him at all… Maybe it’s something… or someone else….

He states that this virus is “muddling his convictions with banal platitudes and illogical rambling”. For those of you about to look up the definition of banal platitudes, I’ve already done the work for you lol. It basically means clichés. So… clichés and ‘illogical’ rambling? Sound like anyone we know? Maybe a certain Dreamer? I talk as if Logan’s pesky humanity and The Dreamer are two different issues entirely but they are not. Roman seems to be a symbol of Logan’s unwanted humanity; something he both needs to define himself and hates because he wishes he didn’t need it. It is quite a wonderful use of symbolism and philosophical structure, beautifully executed. Someone once told me that a superhero is only as good as its villain. I believe that has some truth to it and vice versa. What would Batman be without the Joker or The Riddler? But it also poses the question… What would we be without our humanity. What would good be without bad? In life we define everything as a comparison. If you try to describe the color red you wouldn’t be able to because they can not compare the color to things that are red. In a world without bad, we wouldn’t recognize the good and in a world without good, the bad is just life. Would it be the same if the Utilitarianist didn’t have The Dreamer? If Logan didn’t have Roman?

This an actual concept in the literary world known as the dialectical method. “The dialectical method of analysis begins with particular sense data (knowledge of a single object). But such focus on a particular object of knowledge immediately invites reflection on what the particular object is not. It is not a concept or idea or category. We look at the legal system, for example, and see a law, but to understand a particular law fully we need to know what the principle or idea is that makes it a law" (Rivkin, Julie). While it doesn’t exactly work 100% for Roman and Logan in this instant, it basically mean that one thing is only defined by comparing it to another. But that is for another story…

A good writer makes their reader want to ask questions, to learn more… we see that here without a doubt.

I mentioned that the ‘banal platitudes and illogical ramblings Logan mentioned that were distracting him could be Roman and the next line confirms that theory: “The Dreamer was intruding on his mental solitude increasingly often with the memories of his wide eyes, predictably shocked at learning about the Utilitarianist’s latest plans, before determination lit a fire in his green eyes.” I’m sure his eyes are not the only thing crossing Logan’s mind… As I said before, Roman is a good representation of Logan’s conscious here, with a subtext of attraction that is ever present when it comes to his thoughts about the hero. Logan goes on to describe Roman’s banter once more but this time… there’s something a little different to his words.

“His voice was like a constraining vice around his chest, forcing him to remember his outraged claims of rightness and kindness and chivalry and peace – foolish banalities standing in the way of real benefits for the world. And yet his arguments kept resurfacing in his mind, playing like a broken record. Hopes for unity and joint efforts and belief in humanity’s solidarity and such naive nonsense. Data had proven the probability of success for his hopes at about 8%. A waste of time” (Whatwashernameagain).

8%.... 8%... Of course, Logan would know that! He talks about this hero getting in his way and messing up his plans but when it comes down to it the constant reminder seems to point to one thing… (Besides denial and attraction which we’ve already covered) Jealousy. Logan obviously isn’t jealous of The Dreamer’s popularity or social status, he doesn’t have a care for though things. No, the thing Logan is jealous of is hope. Let’s think about this for a moment. Sure, Roman is the symbol of hope for the country but that’s a different kind of hope. No, the thing that Logan continuously points out is the man’s ignorant hopeful view of a future that is almost impossible… Well, 92% impossible anyways. Logan is autistic… he is driven by logic, pushing down all his emotions as best he can because they are inherently bad… at least that is what he was conditioned to believe; you can’t push down just the bad emotions, its an all or nothing type of deal if you’re trying to be the most logical being you can be… Which means all the good emotions went with them… Logan doesn’t feel emotions like most people… like Roman…

I’m not saying that he doesn’t feel emotions, being autistic can sometimes mean you simply don’t feel emotions the same way as others. Plus, it makes sense for Logan to suppress them… ANYWAYS, I’m getting sidetracked. My point is that a lot of times when you struggle with something like that (or even depression (since ‘numbness’ can be a symptom of depression)) it can be quite difficult to see others enjoying emotions that you are incapable/not use to feeling. It is possible that this might be the case with Logan. Roman’s hope for the future, despite complaining of his naivety, is something Logan covets. It is something he probably respects, though he’d never admit it. I’m sure he no doubt calculated the statistics of Roman’s future to prep for his next argument but also because he was just a little bit curious as to how likely it really is. I even doubt he would actually tell Roman he only had an 8% chance of succeeding because he doesn’t want to see disappointment on those beautiful features; he’d probably just tell him the chances were slim… Though Roman would no doubt be one of those guys that would respond to ‘Fat chance’ with ‘I have a chance; and its fat!”. Of course, the next paragraph confirms my thoughts on Roman’s reaction to the information and once again reinforces Logan’s thoughts on just how handsome The Dreamer is.

The thing I want to draw attention to next is another opinion of Logan’s. Eva writes from his POV “Thankfully, many of his actions were far too advanced for a simple mind like the Dreamer’s, which afforded him the ability to work in peace. The threat of law-enforcement was hardly severe enough to warrant his attention. Still, he had interrupted his work and caused critical failure to several of his more drastic plans” (Whatwashernameagain). So, this brings up a number of things we were not privy to beforehand. First, it paints the dynamic in a bit of a different light. It brings our attention to the fact that Logan doesn’t see the man as the sharpest tool in the shed. We learn in Chapter 2 that that isn’t exactly the reason behind it all but Logan, of course is not privy to this… yet. Once again, we see Logan have a bit of a superiority complex, though I doubt he means to or even realizes it. In society today, knowledge is power, and Logan has a lot of it. His view that Roman is less intelligent puts him lower on the power scale and therefore beneath him. This reinforces the same imagery offered earlier in the story, calling Roman a ‘thorn in [Logan’s] shoe’ and the fact that Logan is not happy being attracted to him. On the opposite side it also reinforces just how adorably innocent Roman is.

I LOVE this next bit! Logan mentions that he had not made Roman a target despite Remy’s insistence and explains his position of the subject: “he was trying to be useful in his own way. Criminals and terrorist attempting to profit of the system’s flaws or praying on the weak were an issue the Utilitarianist was aware of, even if he had little time to devote to such matters as we worked on the grand scheme of things. Pedophiles were most deplorable, yes, but Remy could not devote his processor power to chasing every single individual. They had brought two sex-trafficking rings to light with the help of their white-hat-hackers and had, by making the addresses of the offenders’ public, dealt with a lot of them indirectly, yet a single kidnapping was a too small variable to devote any time to” (Whatwashernameagain). So far, we’ve seen Logan move from frustration, obsession, denial, attraction, respect to envy… now we see… understanding? While some may think this is a bit contradictory, I would have to disagree… In fact, it makes complete sense that Logan would accept and understand Roman’s heroic persona. Afterall, the two of them share the same goal, they simply go about it in two different extremes.

Logan wants a better world where things like corrupt governments are nonexistent and every person can walk to their car at night without having to cling to their pepper spray or keys so desperately. Granted, he is attempting to accomplish this on such a large scale that it will not happen anytime soon, but the intention is still there. In his mind, the end justifies the means and therefore the Utilitarianist was born. Roman wants the same world, granted there are a few more rainbows and most certainly more glitter in his vision but it is the same none the less. The only difference is Roman’s sense of morality stopping him from doing something as drastic as Logan does. I think Logan sees this and though he considers the unwillingness a type of weakness he can see that Roman has a use and therefore has value (just as the utilitarianism principle suggests). In fact, in a way, Roman is assisting Logan in his goals, though it is a very small way. He is basically taking care of smaller crimes while Logan attempts to handle the big guns. This, of course, paints their dynamic in a bit of different light; Logan being the brains while Roman fumbles about and makes his job far more difficult that it needs to be. Think of it like Pinky and the Brain, or Dexter (from Dexter’s Laboratory) and his sister DeeDee (Is my age showing?). Within the next two paragraphs

Logan talks about the hero saving a young girl and the ‘almost-admiration’ that he had felt for the hero who was basically doing something Logan was incapable of; which reinforces the analysis. A small snippet of their interactions is seen for the first time; Roman lecturing about every life counts and using power for good; Logan making a smart-ass comment in return and blasting him off the oil rig with high pressured water. This is actually quite a beautiful scene because it shows the rivalry (despite Logan’s complaining) is filled with more of a playfulness than actual malice. It is obvious that Logan doesn’t really want to harm Roman and vice versa. It makes for a very soft moment for the reader, warming them a bit.

The playfulness continues through the next scene. Logan reminisces about a moment when Roman’s ‘incompetence’ managed to get him captured by another villain. There is a lot to read during this scene so I will try to be brief (I am trying to shorten these parts while also moving a bit quicker through the work, so I don’t bore you guys too much). Logan states that “only Remy had managed to piece together his whereabouts after Logan had mentioned his failure to appear in front of a camera for a solid two days. Leaving him to die in the hands of such an individual might have caused a significant amount of unrest and subsequent danger to the public” (Whatwashernameagain).

First off, do you really pay Roman so much attention that you notice when he’s not there to brighten your day? Of course you do. I’m sure he would love the attention if he knew about it. Anyways, the last sentence provides more insight into what I have previously said about Logan’s recognition of Roman’s usefulness. He states that Roman’s disappearance would cause unrest and subsequent danger to the public. While, he may be making excuses, according to Remy, he does recognize this to be try and it is. If the public discovered The Dreamer was gone crime would spike, people’s hope would disappear causing them to lash out in fear and over protectiveness; everything Logan was working towards wouldn’t necessarily crumble but would no doubt be slowed. Which brings me back to the whole dialectical theory thing from earlier, which I won’t bore you with again. Just know that everything is related to something else in meaning, including Logan and Roman.

Love the light humor of Remy calling Logan his ‘computer-world-interaction device! LOL! Aside from the light humor, the interaction is a good resource in rounding out Remy as a character. It offers the reader a chance to understand that Remy needs/wants to interact with the outside world, to experience what it is to be apart of society outside his connections with the internet… Don’t we all Remy… Don’t we all… It develops Remy into the AI he is supposed to be rather than the image of a computer we originally had.

“Saving the Dreamer from his own incompetence was not a concession to his naive beliefs. No, certainly not! If anything, his wailing and warbling had caused Logan a headache as he’d dragged him out of the bunker, arguing the whole way” (Whatwashernameagain).

Logan SAVED Roman?! I love this. Irony at its finest! The villain saves the hero. Poetic justice! It also paints Logan to have a heart, though he denies it, which is quite nice too. Too bad Roman has no idea that his initials are carved in the ice around said heart. Best part is, we actually get to see a small snippet of the argument between the two: “’Uhhng you’re such an impossible motherf- um motherboard! Because you’re like a computer! Cold and emotionless!’ [The Dreamer] wailed, narrowly avoiding uttering a vile insult in his frustration. He prided himself on a hero’s impeccable manners, after all” (whatwashernameagain).

So, this snippet does a lot of things for Roman’s persona here. It provides him with the sass we hadn’t seen from him yet, giving him a bit more personality and a small bit of his POV which is a first in the story as well. We also can see the stark contrast between his and Logan’s frustration. Roman loses a bit of control in his frustration and almost curses; while Logan’s frustration, while intense, was still controlled almost to perfection (minus the one time he almost got caught because Roman got him to argue with him). His calm cool demeanor rarely cracking. Roman, as we see here, however, is the opposite, wearing the emotion on his sleeve and allowing it to flow freely rather than being bottled up and locked away like Logan attempts to do.

“Why had he cared to save this man after all? Not because of the softly uttered gratitude he’d finally muttered as he’d bundled him into an intimidated police officer’s car or his wide, awed eyes as he’d materialized out of the shadows of his cell, perfectly adjusted to the darkness in his neck-high sleek, black suit and high-tech mask that made him resemble a nimble, black cat. Or the way his expression had morphed into a knowing, almost warm smile before their differences had made their tempers rise once again” (Whatwashernameagain).

Okay, first off… Lets look at the structure here. This is another thing I love about Eva’s writing. I’ve mentioned time and time again, her ability to transition from one POV to another seamlessly but she also does it with timeframes. We’ve seen it a few times now, but this is probably the most obvious one which is why I waited until I got to this point before bringing it up. Before this para we were reading a small snippet of the arguing as Logan dragged Roman to safety. Now, we see Logan deposit Roman into a car and then BAM! Back in the cell he had been being kept in. The best part is that it is done so seamlessly that the reader doesn’t even really think about the fact that they are jumping back and forth in this timeline, they are simply able to piece it together as if it was all one piece… absolutely beautiful…

This para also gives a small insight into the humanity in Logan I had mentioned before, the humanity that only seems to come out when Roman is around; thus, reinforcing the fact that Roman /is/ Logan’s humanity. It also is a reminder of Logan’s denial but who is paying attention to that anymore?

Logan mentions the ‘softly uttered gratitude’ that Roman mutters as he was bundled in the car; making me wonder just how often Logan is thanked? Probably never… It is no wonder it was something of note here. It is like feeding a steak to someone who is accustomed to instant ramen: Surprising but not unwelcomed.

He also talks about Roman’s ‘wide, awed eyes,’ the look turning into a ‘knowing, almost warm smile.’ This is another example of how Eva manages to catch emotions so beautifully. This is also a wonderful example of Reader-Response theory as well. She mentions the physical reaction that Roman has at the appearance of Logan, but she leaves everything else up to the reader to fill in the blank… to shape the story. Still, she gave us just enough to work with.

Roman is obviously surprised that someone was there for him as his eyes go wide, but its really the fact that it is Logan, his opposite, his rival, that is there to save him. The shock fades quickly though as everything Roman has been arguing with the man over seems to come true in his eyes. Logan has just proven Roman right in the sense that Logan is good at heart and /can/ do the right thing… that there is hope that he can be led down the ‘right’ path. But the smile he offered wasn’t cocky or conceited if that were the case. It was simply ‘warm’. The complexity of human thought and emotions is far to vast for anyone to really /know/ what Roman was thinking her but I’m going to give a guess: Roman saw for the first time that his rival was not only living up to Roman’s hopes and expectations but was, in a way, providing him with a sense of friendship that Roman probably wasn’t accustomed to. Or at least a sense of affection (platonic or otherwise). No doubt, being a hero was a very lonely existence.

And we end the scene with Logan mentioning Remy’s like for Roman and his ‘cute ass and mouth.’ That’s Remy for you.

Thank you for joining me for Part 3 of this analysis. I apologize for the length and want to thank you for baring with me through it.

Yes, this is a repost. I had posted a very short Part 3 earlier today and did not want to end the Chapter 1 analysis on an odd number, so I combined Parts 3 and 4.

I will see you guys in part 4! Feel free to send me an ask or message with questions, concerns, emotional outbursts or things you simply would like to discuss or add! Thank you all!

“History of Autism Treatment.” Applied Behavior Analysis Programs Guide, https://www.appliedbehavioranalysisprograms.com/history-autism-treatment/.

Rivkin, Julie. Literary Theory: a Practical Introduction. Wiley-Blackwell, 2017.

Whatwashernameagain. “The Dreamer - Chapter 1.” Hello Guys Gals And Non Binary Friends, 8 Sept. 2019, https://whatwashernameagain.tumblr.com/post/187581477262/the-dreamer-chapter-1.

#The dreamer #villain!logan #Hero!roman #sanders sides #logince #logan sanders #roman sanders #logan/roman #roman/logan #analysis #readerresponse #reaction #fanfiction

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kewltie · 5 years

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a ‘what’s wrong with secretary kim?’ au where katsuki is the arrogant and tyrannical heir to a conglomerate and izuku is his capable and excellent secretary who is single handedly holding back his employees from starting an uprising and killing katsuki bc he’s a goddamn perfectionist bastard but now Izuku suddenly wants to quit and KATSUKI IS NOT HAVING IT :P.

on the anniversary of izuku’s 10th year with the company, AND TEN YEAR WORKING AS KATSUKI’S SECRETARY, there’s a big wide company celebration for it despite the fact that there are ppl who had worked there longer and in more powerful position than a mere secretary to the president, but izuku is like THE IDOL of the entire company and there’s a HUGE reason for that :P.

katsuki’s own this large business empire that date back to taisho period but it is mitsuki who truly shapes it to this powerful entity it is today. katsuki is the heir to this vast empire and he lives his life knowing what he has to do and how far he’ll have to go to reach it so he places an enormous amount expectation on himself just to live up to everyone view of him bc his mother is just so badass. this make him incredibly hard to work WITH and UNDER bc he’s set the bar so high and expect you not to leap but like skyrocket all the way to the fucking moon or something. he drives most of his employees insane with his perfectionism and micromanagement and like most president try to have some semblance of professional and distance b/t employer/emplyee status quo but katsuki breaks every rule by cursing daily and being a pain in their ass as he visits their floor to harassed them to get their work done in time. he’s very hands on and take no bullshit so if he doesn’t like something YOU WILL HEAR ALL ABOUT IT. this make the work enviroment extremely stressful and hectic for the employees but the one saving grace is THE AMAZING EMPLOYEE PACKAGE and IZUKU.

so even though katsuki make it HARD to work under/with him, his company (surprisingly) tops the list of best place to work at every single year bc of how their great employees benefit. there’s 40% discount on all their products for their employees, they get paid leave for a week at every quarter, mandatory paid vacation time that last 2-3 weeks, great maternity benefits, amazing childcare service at the company which provide 24/7 childcare bc the company never sleep, employment/raised/and rise in rank is based on a merit system so the population pretty evenly 50/50 male & female, the paid is extremely good, they have zero tolerance for sexual harassment, great healthcare coverage and even have psychiatric department for burnout/stress/etc, and their cafeteria food is sooooo good that most fine dinning. so even though it is highly competitive and stressful place that place exceedingly high expectation and workload on their employees, they have very low turnover rate.

that number can also be contributed to izuku bc izuku is the reason most of them don’t like murder katsuki out of rage and fear lol. izuku is beyond good at his job. he manages katsuki’s business and HIS LIFE and he does it with a friendly smile and a cheer. when katsuki order his employees to get this done in like today even though the workload is insane, izuku would bring them food and drinks, come into their office to check up on them, provide them keynotes on their project, run over their project with them, etc doing everything he can to assist them to get their work complete. he’s just so terrifyingly good at his job that everyone kinda joke how it would take a hundred people just to replace izuku bc izuku is pretty much the heart and soul of their company. katsuki may rule the company and dictate the direction of where they’ll go but izuku keeps everything running smoothly and get them there in time and in orderly fashion.

and it’s not just that he’s good at his job but izuku is the buffer b/t them and katsuki bc he’s is one of the few that can stand toe to toe with katsuki and LIVE. despite izuku always super friendly with everyone, he and katsuki often clash on how they see things and katsuki’s behavior which end in screaming matches sometimes lol. izuku is the peacekeeper and the negotiator between katsuki and JUST ABOUT EVERYONE. they know that rarely can they win katsuki over if they also don’t have izuku on their side too. EVEN HIS BUSINESS PARTNERS KNOW THAT bc everybody think this but nobody is willing to say it but izuku is prob the 2nd most powerful person in the entire company bc he got the ears of the president and though katsuki doesn’t hesitate to lash out at izuku, he always listen to what izuku got to say even as he reject them later lmao. he’s just really good with dealing with katsuki so many ppl defer to him whenever they have to report to katsuki bc izuku would keep him from like killing them when they don’t meet his crazy as fuck deadline/requirement/expectations.

SO YEA when izuku’s 10th year anniversary come along everybody is excited to celebrate izuku’s milestone and the next decade onward bc izuku is a stable in the company and everyone expect him to be around years and years bc any other thought would be UNTHINKABLE. katsuki even generously offer to fulfill any of izuku’s wish since it’s also their 10th year anniversary of izuku becoming his secretary, WHICH is hilarious and sad but it’s the longer either of them ever had with anyone. but on the night just as katsuki is ready make izuku’s wish come true like a new condo, a new car, etc which are all ridiculous presents bc izuku already got an apartment and A FUNCTIONAL CAR but rich ass ppl don’t really know moderation bc on izuku’s 30th birthday katsuki bought an island under izuku’s name JUST BC HE CAN and also, “so you can run away to it whenever i piss you off,” and izuku didn’t talk to katsuki for an entire day LMAO. anyway so YES izuku’s 10th year wish which katsuki assume would be something boring and entirely TOO feasible like new book collections by his fav writer but NOPE. it’s... “I want to quit, sir,” and katsuki is so shocked by izuku’s sudden request that he lit have a meltdown at izuku’s 10th year party which is at the roof of their company building with thousands of ppl. he stopped kicked everyone OUT just so he can properly yell at izuku bc WTFFFFFFFFF.

the thing is despite the amount of them katsuki had fire izuku (which is number in the hundreds by now), izuku had never left the job. he is just as dedicate to the company as katsuki and not once ever complaint about his work. complain about katsuki’s tyrannical demands YES but never the company or the people he work with bc HE LOVES IT. so this??? IS SO OUT OF THE LEFT FIELD THAT KATSUKI freaks out!!!!!! izuku has been with katsuki for soooooooooo long that katsuki took izuku’s constant presence as forever bc who else gets him the way izuku does?? it took him years to trained izuku to his expectation it’s going to take ages for him to train another person to replace izuku and just thinking about it MAKE HIM SO ANGRY BC DOES IZUKU KNOW HOW MUCH KATSUKI INVESTED IN IZUKU AND NOW HE’S JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY FROM IT ALL FOR NOTHING????

except izuku does have a reason and it’s his happiness. for ten years izuku dedicate his life to the company and katsuki. he does everything for them even putting his love life secondary and now that’s he’s into his 30s he realize how much life has passed him by. izuku wants to get fall in love and get marry. he wants to find his own happiness outside the company and katsuki and KATSUKI IS SO FUCKING CONFUSED AND LIVID. apparently, izuku was having his annual psych evals and talk with their psychologist and it made him reaize what he has been missing and he’d finally reach that point where he decided instead of putting others before him like he’d always did now it’s his turn to put himself first so yes HE’S QUITTING.

so katsuki storm onto the psych floor to yell at the company psychologist that they got on retainers for the employees (to deal with stress/ family issues/mental health etc but also mainly as a place to vent about work and HOW MUCH THEY WANT TO PUNCH KATSUKI IN THE THROAT) and demand to know what the fuck SHE HAD IZUKU INTO bc izuku would never thought to leave him if she didn’t put all that stupid nonsense in his head. she simply raises a brow and calmly ask katsuki to sit down to talk it over instead of yelling at her.

as soon as katsuki sits down she tells him, “it’s doctor-patient confidentiality, so i can not discuss what passed between me and midoriya-san,” and katsuki is one second from flipping her coffee table over but she continues unfazed, “but as he had explained to you, mirdoriya-san have always put others before him and rarely think of his own future but now he’s determine o chase his own happiness.”

and katsuki just shouts, “BUT I AM HIS HAPPINESS!!”

he stops. she looks at him evenly. he stares at her in horror. she smiles. and he knows he’d fallen into her trap because FUCK.

katsuki had been in love twice in his life and they were longstanding relationships but they never pass 3 years bc of work. OR SO HE THINKS. his work always come first and he goes into his relationship letting his partner know how important his work is to him and that they may be second place but that’s just the way it is. only two of the people he met and fell for accepted that part of him and when they do break up it’s bc katsuki didn’t put them first which katsuki is like??? BUT I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY but at that time he didn’t get it. now with startlingly clarity, he realizes what they meant that they were okay with coming second to work but not coming second to IZUKU. katsuki had canceled dates and anniversaries bc of overseas meetings and last mins work but izuku is the only one he literally ditched a very important business meeting all the way in paris and flew back to japan bc he heard izuku got into an accident even though izuku insisted he was okay AND THAT HE ONLY GOT A CONCUSSION GEEZ KACCHAN PLS GO BACK. katsuki live his entire life w/o restrained but izuku is the one to make him willing to compromise and meet ppl in the middle. he never felt the lacking in wealth, respect, talent, and love bc he got it all. wealth from his family’s fortune, respect from the people around, talent from himself, and then love is from izuku.

their relation actualy gooooooooooo waaaaaaaaaay back. even before izuku started to work as katsuki’s secretary. few know of this but izuku’s mother work as housekeeper for katsuki’s family and izuku grew up alongside katsuki as his playmate. from the time katsuki was in diapers izuku was with him every step. izuku attended same elementary school, jr. high, high school, and even same college with katsuki. they literally been together all their life. everyone always assume that izuku only make it through such prestioug school bc of his connection with katsuki and that is sort of true bc mitsuki paid it all for izuku to attend bc she adores inko & izuku but that just mean izuku have to endure all the hate and jealousy thrown his way. he was burden by the fact that he was close to katsuki and that ppl think he’s a leech so izuku work extremely hard to be able to stand beside katsuki, to prove to everyone that he isn’t useless and that he can help katsuki. even when they got to same elite college, izuku refused mitsuki offer to pay his way in but did his best to win a scholarship just so he can be at the same school as katsuki bc for all katsuki’s mercurial temper, katsuki never rely on his talent to get him there but he pushed himself there. he admires katsuki deeply and wishes to stand on even ground with him so that one day he can help katsuki as he rises to the top. that’s his only dream. EXCEPT izuku never got to fulfill it bc in the middle of izuku second year, he suddenly dropped out bc his mom fell sick and inko & izuku who had always rely on the generosity of katsuki’s family decide the family had done enough for them so izuku left school midway to take care of his mother, disappearing from katsuki’s life completely.

katsuki literally went on a bender and his grades that semester suffered for it. in the end he pulled himself back together with the help of really great friends and katsuki swore he’ll never let anyone effect him like that again. his work & goals come first, everything else is secondary. that’s what he tell himself anyway but izuku always been the exception to every rule he’d made for himself.

it won’t be years until they meet again, when katsuki start as an executive position in the company and izuku comes to him as a new hire, looking to work right under katsuki. katsuki put IZUKU THROUGH THE RINGER AND PUSHED HIM MORE THAN ANY OTHER that everyone is convinced katsuki got it out for izuku but just smile and prevailed every obstacle that katsuki throw at him bc even more the stress of the workload, more than hours he spent up late at night getting it done, more than his own peace of mind, izuku want to work with katsuki again. WANTS TO BE WITH HIM so he keep on trying, keep on pushing himself to get it done. and he did. he does.

katsuki ofc found out why izuku disappear but he never ask why izuku chose to come back to him bc in the end the answer has always been in izuku’s smile. he had chased katsuki from their childhood and all the way into their college years and even though he was gone for several years, now he was back to chased after katsuki again. to choose out of all the company he can work for, HE PICKED THIS ONE, it said all he need to say. their life have been bound to each other from the start so yea katsuki never realize he’s in love with izuku bc there’s no aha moment, no light bulb moment bc izuku have always been there chasing after him and katsuki can always look over his shoulder and find izuku right there as sure as gravity bc how can he fall in love when he’s been standing on solid ground the entire time and izuku is the foundation of his everything.

now that he realize he’s going to lose izuku, the floor beneath him starts to crack and he realizes it’s his turn to give chase. HE DOES THE ONLY THING HE KNOWS HOW: propose to izuku LMAO. look, now that katsuki realizes that he has been in love with izuku all along so why the fuck should they date bc they’re practically been married for ten years on the job and have been running this fucking company together with their millions of kids. he can’t imagine running this company without izuku’s constant presence at his side dispensing advice and carrying out his orders to the absolute best of his ability. LIKE, everyone joke how izuku is katsuki’s wrangler but no izuku nickname in the company is the guillotine bc izuku is katsuki’s sword. when katsuki tell izuku to do something, he get SHIT DONE no matter what and izuku is sweet on everyone but the moment someone do something to mess with katsuki, izuku is a force to be reckon with. so yea these two alone themselves are terrifying but together they’re MONSTERS and they wont stop till they take you for everything.

so how can izuku wants to break that partnership up bc they’re sooo amazing together?? esp when katsuki can make izuku a hundred times more happy than anyone else. AND THEY DON’T NEED TO DATE WITH SO MUCH HISTORY B/T THEM. katsuki just want to get marry already bc he never half ass anything and marriage is most acceptable step for them even though it’s just a formality at this point bc he’s practically married to izuku already if not in reality but in their heart.

they literally broke all the rules/boundaries of employer/employee relationship bc they have keys to each other home, more than one time katsuki’s SO mention dating katsuki is like dating katsuki and IZUKU bc of how much izuku is involve not just his business but his life as well, and they’re so bound to each other that izuku (who actually dated a lot but they’re short live fling bc they can’t handle his job and him always prioritizing katsuki first) and katsuki never have a relationship last longer than their three decades with each other. they’re practically it for each other. now katsuki just need izuku to see it.

so yea he propose bc that’s just make sense (lmao). and izuku is like :||| NO THANKS bc izuku just assume it’s just another delayed tactic bc katsuki THAT DUMBASS is like ‘”if you quit the morale of this company will go down to a point where im sure they will revolt soon enough so marry me before that happen”. he wanted to say, “ME AND THIS COMPANY WOULD BURN TO THE GROUND W/O YOU THERE SO PLS MARRY US” but it sound like it’s all for the company and izuku is tired SO TIRED of doing everything just for the company and katsuki. he just want to do something for himself for once but katsuki wont let up and convinced izuku to go along with engagement for like 3 months bc if izuku is looking for love & Happy ENDING than katsuki will give it to him. who else can give him all that if not katsuki???

izuku is JUST SO TIRED but he decided to humor katsuki so katsuki can get off his back and let him leave. he never expected that katsuki make such concerted effort to woo him for real lol.

ofc their engagement causes a huge uproar among the employees which were already having a meltdown earlier bc they had heard about izuku wanting to quit and the number of people heading toward the psychiatrist floor was more than the last three years COMBINED bc the thought of losing the lone person who can keep katsuki from verbally murdering them all is panic inducing.

their engagement doesn’t really change anything in the status of their work relationship. katsuki continues to yell at people and izuku continues to play buffer but occasionally katsuki will slides his hand across Izuku’s own and they just touch fleetingly but it burns enough that izuku can’t stop thinking about it all day. it’s like suddenly every nerve cells in izuku’s body is awake and alive and they’re just realizing how much KATSUKI BOTHERS HIM. WHICH IS A LOT. like izuku already spent so much time with katsuki so he never notice it before but now everything feels purposeful and intimate in a way like a veil is removed over his head. it’s always been there but he just never see it before bc sometimes it’s hard to know what you’re looking for when you’re LITERALLY STARING RIGHT AT IT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

the slow seduction of izuku is HILARIOUS AND TROUBLING BC THEY DONT DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT YET EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT WHICH MADE IZUKU REALIZE ALL ALONG THEY ARE WORST THAN MARRIED BUT LIKE SOULMATES LOL. katsuki bringing izuku as his plus one to events is the same as when he brought izuku there as his secretary; izuku eating dinner with katsuki’s family as his fiance is like how he did like A COUPLE WEEKS AGO; izuku and katsuki spending time together doing work, doing grocery shopping (bc that’s a thing you apparenlty do with your secretary???), doing movies, etc is all NORMAL AND THE SAME but now there’s an undercurrent of something else, something bigger than izuku is afraid to name.

but izuku still think katsuki only keep this charade bc katsuki need izuku here so he would do anything to izuku. but actually katsuki doesn’t actually need izuku. he can MANAGE WITHOUT HIM. it won’t be easy but he can do it. he’s bakugou katsuki after all but... he doesn’t want to. he may not need izuku and there may be other options out there but he will always chooses izuku in the end. it’s just the way it is.

i just imagine a lot of drama IN DUE PART TO BEING ASIAN DRAMAS and misunderstanding before their 3 months is up and izuku realizing what exactly katsuki meant AND THEY’RE TOGETHER TOGETHER but they’re getting there :P. Slowly but yea!!

#bakudeku #not!fic #i watch too many asian dramas lbr #and TWO WEEKS NOTICE IS ONE OF MY FAV ROMCOMS!!!!#secretary au

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